Caffeine (2006) Movie Script
# Live like you're gonna die
Tomorrow #
# Wild, like you are
The final flame #
# White flash into the dark #
# Before the rain
Comes thundering down #
# Live like you're gonna die
Tomorrow #
# Shoot your gun
At the rising sun #
# Crash right
I nto your walls #
# And watch them all
Coming tumbling down #
# She don't mind,
Shakes it all the time #
# Like a monkey's
On her back #
# You got time,
Man she got the crime #
# Gonna get it
While she can #
# Live like you're gonna die
Tomorrow #
# Wild, like you are
The final flame #
# White flash into the dark
Before the rain comes #
Ah! Rachel!
What are you doing?
I want you out
of here now!
All right,
calm down, darling.
Calm down.
You have no business here.
I work here.
Not anymore.
What do you mean?
You're fired.
Where am I supposed to go?
You kicked me out of the flat,
I need the rest of my clothes.
I'm keeping the rest
of your clothes
so I can burn them!
Fuck you, Rachel!
This is ridiculous.
You can't run a restaurant
without a chef!
That is not
your concern anymore.
I know you're upset, darling.
Don't you think you're going
a little tiny bit over the top?
Do you remember
what you told me
last night?
You had a threesome.
You had sex
with two girls.
One isn't bad enough.
You had to do it with two!
It doesn't count
as two, darling.
What?
It happened
at the same time.
So it's one indiscretion
with each girl
counting as half!
If anything,
it's better than one
because it shows
there were no
real emotions involved.
Get out!
Get out.
No emotion.
What are you waiting for?
Have you been having sex
with someone in here?
Right, that's it.
I want you out
of here now.
And if you so much as
set foot on my cafe,
I'm calling the police.
I'm gonna stand out here
until you have calmed down.
Good morning.
(Grandma)
Oh, what lovely roses.
They're all dead I
Grandma,
how are you doing?
Look.
Grandma,
you're not really supposed
to be here, okay?
J ust sit here quietly.
I'll go get you
a nice cup of tea, right?
I'll be right back.
My God.
Do I feel like crap today.
I know.
Me, too.
Remind me the next time Dylan
suggests an after-hours drink,
to punch him in the face.
I feel like someone
shat in my mouth.
That's nice.
What's going on
with Charlie?
I just saw him half naked
out in the corridor.
Rachel kicked him out
last night.
No!
Don't you remember?
They'd a screaming row,
and then she told him
she'd never want
to see him again.
Bloody hell.
I thought they were
the perfect couple.
Well, they were,
except that he was fucking
other people.
[Door opens]
[Humming]
Morning, Tom.
Morning.
Oh, Tom, would you mind
doing the cooking today?
Me?
Yeah.
Is that okay?
I'll do my best.
I thought we'd do
a lasagna special.
What are you gonna have?
M ike.
I really think I'm too stoned
to be here right now, Danny.
You need to relax, man.
I'm beginning to feel
extremely anxious.
What are you gonna have?
M ike?
Why are you...
Why are you looking
at me like that?
I'm just wondering
what's with the hat.
Shit hair cut.
I'm single for the first time
in four years,
I'm not gonna pull
with a shit hair cut.
I don't know.
Let's have a look.
It looks the same
as it always does.
Like shit.
Danny, don't look now,
but there's a woman
over there.
She's really strange looking.
She's staring at me.
What woman?
I told you not to look.
Do you think if I went
over there and sat
in that chair opposite her,
she'd think I was sitting
on top of the person
she's talking to?
I don't know.
She's freaking me out.
Dylan.
Charlie's gone.
I'm having to do
all the cooking.
Do you think you'd like
to join us for work
at all today?
I feel like shit.
I'm waiting for my agent
to call, okay?
I'll be there in a minute.
I'll tell Rachel.
Give me a break.
I'll be there in a minute!
You're like my mother!
[Telephone rings]
Hello?
(woman)
Rachel, Davies
is coming in today.
Today?
Does it have to be today?
Yeah.
Is there a problem?
No, that's fine.
At what time?
Don't know.
It could be any time
this afternoon.
You will let me know
what time.
I'll try.
Okay.
Thanks.
Shit!
I shouldn't have had
that split before lunch time.
It's too early for me.
Where did you get
that stuff, Danny?
J ulian.
Jesus Christ! J ulian?
The guy's a maniac.
He pumps his stuff
with all kinds of shit.
God knows what was in it.
It's what makes it great.
Give me strength.
What are you trying
to do to me?
You get me stoned off me tits
and bring me to a place
full of freaks.
Now she's got me off.
All right, mate,
calm down.
[Grumps]
Okay.
Danny, please, can we go now?
I'm starting to get upset.
M ike, I think you're having
a paranoia attack.
No shit.
Dylan, why
aren't you inside?
You are unbelievable.
Don't blame Tom.
We've got customers.
I'm waiting
for my agent to call.
We were supposed to talk
to the publishers on Wednesday.
I'm sure he'll call when he's
got something to tell you.
Get in.
You're such an ass.
So do we have to work
while you sit on your ass
all day?
You're not the only one
with a splitting headache,
you know!
It started since
you split up,
and you started acting
like a such fuck up case.
Excuse me?
Correct me if I'm wrong,
but wasn't it you
that told me
to split with her?
I said you shouldn't get
married.
It amounts
to the same thing.
Yeah, but what's that about?
Giving you ultimatums?
Women know that no man
in their right mind
wants to get married. Ever.
But only do it
'cause they put them
under psychological
and emotional pressure.
Why is it women spend
their entire lives
dreaming about weddings
and men avoid them
for as long as possible?
I don't know.
Because the old concept
is completely
female-orientated.
It's a celebration
of female victory
over the male.
At least it's better than
being alone and miserable
for the rest of your life.
Oh, bollocks, mate.
You need to learn to go out
and enjoy the single life.
I bet she is.
I bet you
she is going out
right now,
getting laid by every Tom,
Dick, and Harry she can get
her filthy hands on.
Danny, what are you saying?
Women are like that, mate.
They act like,
"Oh, I'm gonna crumble and die
if you break up with me."
Bullshit!
She is going out,
having great sex
with a variety of partners,
doing all the weird sort
of experimental shit
she could never do with you.
Could you just please
shut up, all right?
Mate, I'm just trying to help.
Don't help.
All right,
here you go.
You'd better get a move on.
We're starting to fall behind.
How am I meant to do
all these?
My God, Tom,
what the hell is that?
[Glass whistling]
Do you have to do that?
Do you have to read
while we're sitting together?
I told you
I was gonna read.
You invited
yourself along.
Because I thought
that you might want
to talk to me.
I did talk to you.
We had a nice chat.
Now I'm reading.
Why don't you get yourself
a paper?
Can I get
a latte, please?
U h, sure.
Anything else?
No, that's it.
It's a good book.
Yes, it is.
What was all that about?
What was all what about?
The business
with the waiter.
What is wrong with you?
He was mentally
undressing you.
He was doing his job.
Don't be ridiculous.
Doing his job?
Yeah.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna take a piss.
Can you go for a couple
of minutes without flirting
with any strangers?
I can't give that
to our customers, Tom.
It smells like old vomit.
What's it meant to be,
anyway?
That's lasagna.
Lasagna?
Are you joking?
I'm not a chef.
What do you want from me?
You're gay, aren't you?
Gay men are supposed
to be able to cook.
That's conventional.
Here, smell that.
Jesus Christ!
What is that?
It's meant to be lasagna.
It's meant to be
lasagna?
Nobody complained
about it on Tuesday I
I tried to
freshen it up a bit!
My God, I'm doing
the best I can under very
difficult circumstances!
Rachel, smell that.
Tom says it's meant
to be lasagna.
Out of interest,
is anyone planning
on doing the washing up?
Why don't you do it
for a change?
I can't serve that.
You don't wash upl
Does that look
like lasagna?
Willy, Charlie!
People, please!
I can't cope with you acting
like small children.
I know we all feel
like utter shit,
but we're just gonna have
to pull together.
Charlie's gone.
U ntil I can replace him,
we're just gonna have
to make do.
I saw him.
We could ask him
to come in.
He's not to come in.
Is that clear?
Yeah.
Go on, Tom.
You help with the customers.
Tell them we're out
of the pasta special.
Bloody twat.
Dylan.
We've got a real nut job.
Table six. You'll have
to deal with her.
No, no chance.
Come on.
I always have to handle
the weirdos in this place.
No. J ust let her sit there.
She'll get bored
and leave.
You two are a couple
of pussies, aren't you?
She's my grandmother.
Your grandmother?
Yeah.
You got a problem?
Does she look freaky lookn'?
That's the way you look like
when you spend half your life
in an institution.
Does Rachel know
she's here?
No, she doesn't.
And you'd better
not tell her,
unless you want these tongs
to be a permanent part
of your anatomy.
Wait until she gets here.
Find yourself a random girl.
Shag her. Dump her.
That ought to sort you right.
Out.
What?
What is it?
Mate, I think your luck
just came in.
The table over there,
right behind you.
Do you recognize that bird?
No.
Who is she?
Mate, she's a bloody
porn actress.
Wait here.
I'm gonna talk to her
for you.
Don't be insane.
What are you gonna say?
A mate split up
with her girlfriend and needs
a little female company.
No, you can't say that.
Sure I can.
The drugs have fucked
with your brain.
Rubbish.
Going over there.
Don't do it.
It's gonna end in tears.
Probably mine.
[Clears throat]
H i there.
Hello.
Look, l...
I hope you don't mind me
coming over here or anything,
but, uh,
I just had to tell you
that I...
really love your work.
I mean, I think that you
bring pleasure
to a lot of men.
Myself included.
I'm sorry?
You know, with the films
you are in.
No, I don't know.
Yeah, you do.
There was that one you did.
It was brilliant.
Walking to the men's song
and end up being shagged
by three blokes.
What the hell
is going on?
H i.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
We're just...
This guy has
mistaken me
for someone else.
Really?
Are you sure...
She said that you had
the wrong person.
Oh, right.
Okay, yes.
Sorry about that.
That's, uh, fair enough.
Sorry, mate.
[Clears throat]
What happened?
Wrong girl, apparently.
Fucking nob.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
He's not worth it,
you know.
It's not just Charlie.
Then what is it?
I've applied for a job
at the Marion.
The Marion?
Bloody hell.
Yeah. The manager
position was up.
I've had two interviews,
and now the owner wants to come
here to check out the cafe.
He's coming today.
Like he couldn't come
any other day.
Christ, Rachel.
Am I hallucinating or was
that guy insinuating that
you were in a dirty movie?
I think he might
have been.
How dare he?
I'll just go
over there right now
and put him straight.
It was a mistake, Mark.
J ust forget about it.
Forget about it?
I mean, it's not true, is it?
How can you even ask me that?
Of course it's not true.
Do you swear it
on your life?
You want me to swear
on my life?
Yeah. Why not?
If it's not true,
swear on your life.
Because I don't swear
on my life.
I don't!
Fine. J ust look me
in the eye and tell me
that it's not true.
For God sake's, Mark.
It's not true!
My God.
It's true, isn't it?
Mark!
I know when
you're lying to mel
Shit.
What do you mean, "shit"?
I mean, you weren't supposed
to find out like this.
How could you do
something like this?
It was just to make
some extra money.
It was the only way
I could stay
on the university
and finish
my Comparative
Literature degree.
Jesus Christ!
What are you doing?
Don't be so melodramatic!
It was only sex!
Shh!
Don't say that word.
Look, just tell me,
how many men did you fuck
in these things?
I don't know.
What do you mean?
I mean I don't know!
[Moaning]
(Danny)
Wow I
[clears throat]
I've never known a girl
shag so many men
in one go.
It must be some sort
of record.
God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Calm down, Mark.
You're making a scene.
I'm perfectly fucking calm,
all right?
I'm trying to find out
how many men you
have fucked in these things.
You do realize that
when you fuck men
for money,
it effectively
makes you a whore.
A filthy fucking whore!
Sir, you cannot shout
like that in here.
You want me to leave
so that you can fuck
my girlfriend?
No, I don't want to fuck
your girlfriend.
Oh, really?
All right.
Who here wants to have sex
with my girlfriend, huh?
Come on.
Who wants to ask her?
What's going on?
Vanessa, I'm handling it.
Thank you.
I was going to
ask you to marry me.
Can you believe that?
I wanted you to be
the mother of my children.
Oh, look at that.
He had your whole life
planned out.
What a great guy.
This has absolutely nothing
to do with you.
Is it in your nature
to be this controlling
or are just compensating
for having a small penis?
Vanessa, enough.
Sir, I have to ask you
to take it outside, okay?
Mark, why don't you go outside
and see if you can find
some perspective?
You okay?
Yeah.
Fine, thanks.
You really need
to grow yourself
a decent size pair of balls.
Vanessa, the guy left,
didn't he?
Yeah, he needed
a good walloping.
That was really something.
The way you singlehandedly
fucked up that couple's
relationship.
That's quite impressive.
It's not my fault
if they can't deal
with their own shit.
What's that guy's problem?
So, his girlfriend
is a porn actress.
For one thing,
she's probably extremely
uninhibited in bed.
I bet you she's up
for all sorts of weird shit.
Where're you going?
You can't leave me
on me own.
It'll be two minutes.
Do you think you can just
do whatever you want
and not be punished for?
You sick pervert.
You'll suffer
for what you've done.
You're disgusting.
You should be locked up.
Pervert.
Grandma, what the hell
are you doing?
It's the handling
and the mistreatment.
What's the matter with you?
# Woo-hoo
Woo-hoo #
# Come on,
Come on #
# Woo-hoo
Woo-hoo #
# Come on,
Com on #
What the...
Excuse me.
Can I have a table
for two, please?
Sure.
Thank you.
You didn't hear the way
she was talking to me.
She told me
I was going to suffer.
The woman
is clearly insane.
Fuck off!
I'm not sitting
in the toilets all day.
It's your fault
'cause you got me
too stoned, didn't you?
I can't deal
with this shit, Danny.
Not now, not...
It's not funny.
I've got a pain
down me left arm.
I could be having
a heart attack.
Okay, mate.
Calm down.
Hello, Tom.
Hello, Charlie.
How's Rachel?
Not great.
She says
you're not allowed in.
You have to wait outside.
All right, mate.
Tom, have you got
any idea about this?
I found it in Rachel's office.
No.
Excuse me.
Laura?
You must be Steve.
I'm relieved
I can tell you.
I was worried that Sean
wasn't gonna set me up
with the right minger.
I'd have to dart out
the door.
[Laughs]
Right.
How long do you think
this guy is gonna be?
You gotta take a dump?
Why don't you use
the urinal?
I wanna use the cubicle.
I don't like
taking my penis out
in front of other men.
What are you worried about?
Is it...
I'm not worried
about anything, Danny.
I just find
the whole situation
a bit uncomfortable.
We're just expected
to stand there
and expose our... bits.
You're afraid of getting
an erection, aren't you?
I reckon that's what it is.
You're afraid you'll catch
sight of another man's penis
and you'll sprout
a giant erection.
M ichael, there's nothing
wrong with being gay.
I never said there
was anything wrong
with being gay, did I?
Have you been
waiting long?
Not too long, no.
Oh, good.
I thought I might've been
a bit late, you know.
I've been out
buying meself a new gun.
[Laughs]
Don't worry.
I'm not a nutter
or anything.
It's for pigeons, mostly.
[Laughs]
I kill a lot of pigeons
'round our house, you know.
Cropping on the roof.
And squirrels.
Pfft!
[Laughs]
Dirty little bastards.
It's the latest model.
Twelve gage.
Double barrel shotgun.
Sounds nice.
It's great.
You'd love it.
I'll show it to you.
It's in the car.
No, that's all right.
Thanks.
So, are you
into guns then?
U h... not massively, no.
Sometimes I wish
I was gay.
Really? Wow!
Why is that?
One way to avoid
the gender-divide nightmare.
Think about it.
Never having
to second-guess a woman.
Never having to worry about
what you're gonna say
that was gonna annoy her
or turn her off you.
If you're gay,
you've gotta deal with
getting shagged up the ass.
Are you all right
with that?
Yeah.
At least I know
I was gonna get shagged
up the ass.
Not that uncertainty
that you have with women.
The question hanging over.
Will we, won't we?
I reckon I could go
out there tonight,
find a bloke
and pretty much rest assure
I'd get shagged right up
my back passage.
[Toilet flushes]
Hello.
So how do you know Sean?
Oh, I actually shared
a flat with him, you know.
Back in the day.
Do you remember when
he used to work as a clown
in children's parties?
What was he like
to live with?
Was he fun?
Oh, you don't want to know
about that.
Yeah, I do.
Go on.
Well, I shouldn't
really say this,
but the truth is
Sean spent
most of his time
masturbating.
Oh!
Really?
Any chance he would get.
Morning, noon, or night.
It was like he was addicted
or something.
Don't tell him
I told you this, right?
Because he still doesn't know.
But we once hid
a video camera in
his room and taped him.
[Laughs]
To this day
I have in my house
a video tape
with Sean wanking.
[Laughs]
Got me the funniest thing
you've ever seen
in your life.
All right.
How is it
you know Sean, anyway?
He's my brother-in-law.
Oh, right.
All right?
How are you?
I hope you don't mind.
Angela's on her way.
Oh, right.
We're going to sort out
the flowers for the wedding.
Turns out they lost our order.
Can't believe it.
A week before the wedding.
I wouldn't wanna be
in their shoes with Angela
on the war path.
Yeah.
Tell me about it.
Listen, uh, David.
I've got something
to show you.
What's that?
This arrived
at my doorstep this morning.
Gee! My God,
what the hell is that?
It's a dead rat, David.
What do you think it is?
What are you doing
with it?
First you've gotta promise me
you're not gonna tell anyone.
Not even Angela.
Do you promise me?
Of course.
I promise.
I remember I used
to go to the Marion
when I was a little girl
and just peek
through the window.
I thought it was
this amazing place.
I'm so close
to getting this job
that all I think about
is that I'll be letting
everyone here.
My dad managed
this place for years.
He actually died here.
He had a heart attack
right here in this kitchen.
J ust feel like
I'd be abandoning
everything he worked for.
Rachel, I really think
you've worked your ass off
here long enough.
Quite frankly, I think
you deserve something more.
Thanks.
Don't tell the others, okay?
I don't want them
getting all neurotic.
Yeah, I won't say a word.
What's going on?
Nothing.
I bet that guy
thinks I'm gay now.
Well, you did say
you were definitely gonna get
fucked up the ass tonight.
So maybe.
I should go and tell him
I'm not gay.
Who gives a shit
if he thinks you're gay?
I don't like
being misrepresented.
[Peeing]
Oh, God.
Mate, what the hell
are you doing in there?
Danny, I think
I might have a problem.
What sort of problem?
When I go to the toilet,
it kind of comes out
in dribs and drabs.
[Laughs]
I think I've got a problem
in me prostate.
I'm sacred
I might be developing
a cancer.
But you're not a doctor.
You can't diagnose yourself
with cancer.
You see?
I've had it
for about three weeks.
It's not getting
any better.
I put my symptoms into
the I nternet and I got 3, 000
results for prostate cancer.
I'm genuinely scared,
Danny.
You should go to a doctor.
I guarantee he'll tell you
it's nothing.
What are you doing?
You can't smoke that
in here?
Keep your pants on.
So, I'd just been down the pub
for a couple of pints.
Janey's been a total
nightmare at the moment.
She's stressed out
by the fucking baby.
I just needed
some time by myself.
So, it's about 11: 30
and on my way home.
And I really badly needed
a slash.
So, I go down the alleyway
behind the pub,
and I'm just about
to have a piss
up against the wall
when I hear
someone coming, right?
Well, first I think,
shit, you know,
I'm gonna be marked
or murdered or something.
But then I turn around
and there's just this
little girl staring up at me.
And I'm quite
freaked out.
I'm looking at her,
and I don't realize
that I have still got
my cock in my hand.
Jesus!
So what happened?
Well, she just stares at me
for a while,
and then she gets this, like,
weird, horrified look
comes over her face.
Then she runs off screaming,
"There's a pervert
wanking off down the alleyway."
"Wanking off"?!
[Clears his throat]
Can I get you anything?
U m, yeah.
I'll have
a cappuccino, please.
I'll have a latte,
please.
Sure.
Wanking off? My God!
So, what did you do?
Obviously, I got out of there
as fast as I could.
But I was almost home
when a police car
pulls me over
and tells me I match
the description of a pervert
they've been looking for.
They took me down the station
and charged me with public
indecency involving a minor.
The girl was 12 years old,
and she's walking the streets
at that time at night.
It's a disgrace!
Charlie!
How're you doing, man?
I'm doing terrible.
Do you know
where this comes from?
No.
I found it on the floor
in Rachel's office.
Really?
Yeah, really.
And you think
she used it with someone.
I don't know.
I can't think about that
at the moment.
Why did you do it, Charlie?
It was a threesome
with two girls.
They were
identical twins, Dylan.
What the fuck
I was supposed to do?
What the hell
did you tell her for?
I don't know.
Honestly, I just
hated going to her.
I couldn't do it anymore.
And then when the booze
came out,
it just... came out.
More and more and more.
I couldn't stop it.
Truth fully,
I absolutely screwed up,
because I love that girl.
Do you think
she's gonna forgive me?
It doesn't look good.
I gotta go.
Take care.
Yeah.
Thank you.
He's over there.
Excuse me.
I ordered...
Oh, bollocks.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
I'm sorry about this.
Did you see him?
He's over there.
Do you want
to get me fired?
No, of course not,
dear.
J ust sit here.
Vanessa, what's going on?
Nothing.
She's my grandmother.
She gets one day
out of the home a month,
and it was my turn
to look after her.
She can't stay here.
Please, Rachel,
I promise you it'll be fine.
You won't have to worry.
What happened to her?
She came home one day
to find her husband of 20
years dressed up as a baby
with a big nappy on,
and being spanked
by a prostitute
in a nursemaid's outfit.
Look, today's a big day
for me, Vanessa.
J ust make sure
she doesn't mess it up, okay?
Tom, I'm gonna take
five minutes.
Okay.
I'm telling you, mate,
you should try
some of this.
How many times
do I have to tell you?
I don't want any of it.
[Coughing]
God!
What the hell
is going on in here?
Are you doing drugs?
No.
It's, uh...
It's my friend's.
He uses this
for medical reasons.
Then why
are you smoking it?
Because...
[clears throat]
Shall we go for dinner
some time?
J ust get out.
I'm really sorry.
Why did you tell her
I had medical problems?
You had the medical problem.
What difference does it make?
Besides, you're the one
with the dodgy prostate.
What about the thing
in the bag?
It came with a note saying,
"I know where you live."
It's perfectly obvious.
They put the packet
in my doorstep.
Jesus, John!
Is there anything
I can do to help?
Well, here's the thing.
When the police arrested me,
I was a bit flustered,
as you can imagine.
So, when they questioned me,
I denied having been anywhere
near the alleyway.
So, what did you tell them?
I told them
I was with you.
You told them
you where with me?
Yeah, at your house.
You told them
you were at my house?
Yeah.
John, I'm a lawyerl
That's why I thought of it!
They'd never suspect you.
Are you joking?
Now the police
are going to contact me,
and I'm gonna have to lie
and tell them
you were at my house!
It's not okay?
No! No, it's not okay.
What if they found out
I was lying?
I wouldn't be able
to practice law again.
What the hell
were you thinking?
I didn't know
what else to do!
(Charlie)
Vanessa.
You're not supposed
to be here.
Ouch!
Give me one second,
all right?
I found this
in Rachel's office.
That's nice.
Is it yours?
Of course it's not mine.
It has to belong to somebody.
Who's is it?
Look, stop waving
at my face!
I don't know, okay?
But look at the facts.
You tell Rachel
you shagged some other girls.
Ended having
a screaming row with her.
She kicks you out.
She goes up to the office
where she's comforted by Dylan,
and no one sees them
for half an hour.
It doesn't take
a genius, Charlie.
Dylan?
Oh, Christ.
What did you think?
That there was
one rule for you
and another for her?
You know, maybe
she just thought
like you.
She fancied a shag
and Dylan was available.
Dylan?
Why aren't you eating?
I can't eat.
I've got no appetite.
I need some salt.
(female voice)
I'm a teacher.
Bloody hell.
What's the matter?
I don't believe
what I've just seen.
If I tell you,
promise me you're not
going to get upset, okay?
Why would I get upset?
Laura's here.
Laura?
As in... my Laura?
Yeah.
Where is she?
She's over there
behind that pillar.
H i!
I was wondering
if Sam Harvey's back, yet?
I left a message
earlier. It's Dylan.
Tell him I'll call again.
(man over the phone)
I've got your number
right here. 7247, right?
No.
No, it's not 7247.
It's 7267.
Why do you think
I've got it wrong?
'Cause it's my number.
I think I know
my own number.
Right here
it says 7247.
What do you think?
That I gave you
the wrong number
or you wrote it down wrong?
Before I started business,
I used to live
with this geezer,
and he thought it was
gonna get bad. I said,
"Go on your own, then."
He goes on his own,
and the next thing I know
is he falls off the roof.
What was all that about?
He ends up in hospital.
He can't work.
It's definitely her.
Definitely Laura.
Who's the bell-end
she's with?
Bet they're over there
having the time of their life
while I'm suffering in torment.
He is well built.
Hey.
You okay?
What's wrong with me?
Why do I feel like if I
don't get my novel published
my life won't be
worth living?
Dylan, it was only
your first attempt.
A lot of writers wait years
before they get published.
My uncle wrote his whole life.
Didn't get published
until he was 81.
That's good to know.
Thank you.
Sorry.
How're you doing?
Terrible.
I feel like someone took
my brain out of my head
and kicked it
around for a while
and stuck it back in.
Charlie is still waiting
to talk to you.
He can wait all year.
The guy looks
absolutely wrecked, Rachel.
Good!
Don't you think
you should have a little
conversation with him?
He's looking
like a homeless person.
Dylan, you're not
gonna make feel guilty.
[Clears throat]
We'd better get back
to work.
Oh, I'm so hungry
I could eat
an entire animal.
Do you know
what I mean?
Not those little
vegetarian meals you get
at some of these places.
You're not one of those,
are you?
One of what?
Vegetarian.
Actually, I, I am
one of those.
Yeah.
Thats' fair enough.
It happens I've met several
and they seem like
perfectly normal people.
Why shouldn't they be?
Exactly.
I'm not saying
I understand them,
but each to their own.
That's what I say.
God knows I've got
some pretty warped
ideas meself.
What's warped about
being a vegetarian?
Nothing.
I'm just saying.
That it's warped
not wanting some animals
to suffer for no good reason?
Going to get all militant?
I'm just stating
an opinion.
And there's nothing wrong
with a woman having
her own opinions.
What does that mean?
There's nothing wrong
with it.
Of course there's
nothing wrong
with it.
Exactly!
What you really
want to do is
make her jealous.
How the hell
am I gonna do that?
Easy.
If you got together
with that porn actress,
I bet that
would make her jealous.
Have you ever suffered
a serious head injury?
Forget it I
I'm not going to lie
to the police.
No! Do you have any idea
what Angela'd do to me
if she finds out?
Jesus! That woman
rules your life!
That is not the point.
So, what do you
expect me to do?
I don't know.
You'll have to go
back to them
and tell them
you made a mistake.
Tell them I made a mistake?
They're gonna think
I'm guilty as hell.
You should've thought
about that before you decided
to show your cock
to an under-aged girl.
My God.
You think I did it,
don't you?
Well, wouldn't be
the first time you've strayed
from the path, would it?
How can you compare
that to this?
That is completely irrelevant.
I don't think my Aunt Betsy
would agree with you there.
I was 12 years old!
Besides, I don't know why
you're getting on your moral
high horse about.
When we all know about
your foibles.
Foibles?
What do you mean?
You know exactly
what I'm talking about.
How do you think
Angela would take it
if she found out about that?
Rachel, I need to talk to you.
Give me one minute.
Call the police, Vanessa.
Call the police.
Go on, pick that phone up.
I'll go to prison.
God knows I deserve it.
Rachel.
I fucked up,
I know I did.
But that didn't mean
anything to me.
And I know that
whatever mistakes we've made...
M istake we've made?
Yes!
I don't care
what you did.
I just know that
we can work through this.
I don't wanna break up.
That's it.
Time's up.
Don't be bloody ridiculous.
That wasn't a minute.
Piss off!
Please, Rachel.
I'll make it up.
I promise.
They weren't even
that attractive.
Give me another chance.
(woman)
Go on, Rachel,
he's a good lad.
Give him another chance.
Yeah, don't be tight-assed.
Come on.
Out you go.
Come on.
Are you okay?
Not really.
You're doing
the right thing, Rachel.
Am I?
Look, just in case
you haven't worked it out
for yourself,
basically men are scum.
They can't see
beyond their own dicks,
which in the majority
of cases isn't very far.
The only time they appreciate
what they really had, is when
they'd already fucked it up.
They think women should be
these virginal creatures
that bring up their babies,
and serve them breakfast,
and wipe their noses,
and then suddenly transform
into these sexual objects
for their pleasure.
I like a good fuck
now and then,
but I'm not gonna be
some man's subservient
mother-whore fantasy.
Is this going
anywhere, Vanessa?
I'm just saying
that you're free now
to explore your options,
you know.
This is the 21 st
century, Rachel.
You should be getting
out there shagging around
and having some fun.
That's not really me,
though, is it?
Isn't it?
Rachel, phone call.
Hello?
(woman)
He'll be there in 20 minutes.
Are you gonna be okay?
Sure.
Okay, thanks
for letting me know.
Bye.
Excuse me.
I ordered a green salad
about half an hour ago.
Mate, we've been sitting here
and we haven't ordered yet.
These chips
taste like feet.
If you wanted
to keep it a secret,
you did do a very good job
by leaving the condom wrapper
on the floor.
What in the bloody hell
are you two doing?
Am I literally the only
person doing any work?
What's going on?
There's chaos.
People are walking out.
Nobody's making any food.
All right.
Let's get things
back in order.
Vanessa, Dylan, you keep
the customers happy till
Tom and I sort this out.
All right,
let's get to work.
You do know this is
blackmail, don't you?
I wouldn't call it that.
It doesn't matter
what you call it.
But you don't seem to be
appreciating how fucked I'll
be if this thing comes out.
This is not the way
to deal with things.
You leave me no choice.
Don't be such a child!
You leave me no choice.
You leave me no choice!
I swear, if you say that again,
I will stab you in the head
with this knife.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Do you want anything
from the menu now?
No, thank you.
If you could just give us
a couple more minutes,
it would be lovely.
Thanks.
Hello, boys!
So, what's been going on?
Are they gonna take
our order in here or what?
Look, I'm sorry.
I just don't think
it's gonna work out.
What?
There's just no
possibility of anything.
Why? I mean,
what's wrong?
Well, it's just everything.
The whole package.
To be honest,
I don't know what Sean
was thinking
of getting us together
in the first place.
I think I'm just gonna go.
No, no, no.
It's okay.
I'll go. I mean,
this place isn't really
my cup of tea, anyway.
I guess I'll...
see you then.
Yeah, see you.
So, John, did David
fill you in on all the wedding
details and everything?
Yeah, pretty much.
Did you hear about these
bloody flower people?
M m-hm.
Okay.
What the fuck's
going on here?
What do you mean?
Why are you two acting
like a couple
of dumb animals?
We've just been
sitting here talking.
About what?
I've got some legal
stuff to deal with.
What kind of legal stuff?
It's nothing
to worry about.
I'm a lawyer, too, John.
Do you think I can't offer
anything to the situation?
No, of course not.
But David has agreed
to help me out.
I haven't agreed
to anything.
Don't you think you should,
given the circumstances?
What circumstances?
Right, that's it.
David, I want to know
what's going on,
and I want to know now.
I've got something
that I need to tell you.
Don't be a fool,
David.
What is it?
It's something that
I should've told you
a long time ago,
and I am so sorry
that I haven't.
For God sake,
just spit it out.
I sometimes wear your clothes
when you're out of the house.
What?
Actually he only wears
your underwear.
(female voice)
Excuse me.
This tea is cold.
I did bring you that tea
about 20 minutes ago.
It was cold
when you brought it.
That's ridiculous.
Are you arguing with me?
You know what?
Why don't I just bring you
a new one?
Is this some kind
of sick joke?
No.
Are you gay?
No, I'm not gay.
Then what the fuck
is this?
He's a transvestite.
Will you shut up?
Don't you think
you've done enough?
You can't blame me
for this.
I kept that
secret for years.
I never told her.
You've known
about this for years,
and you never told me?
It's not my place.
So, what is this?
Some weird, perverted
fantasy game you play
where you both dress up
in my clothes and dance
around the house?
Hang on a minute.
I've got nothing
to do with him.
That's right.
John prefers wanking off
in front of girls.
That is a vicious lie.
What are you
talking about?
John hangs around and waits
for little girls and then
he gets his cock out.
It's not true.
My cock was already out
and the girl came along.
Shut up,
both of you!
Let me just get this
clear, David.
Basically, since we've
been living together,
you've been waiting for me
to go out so you can sneak
through my drawers
and prance around
in my bra and knickers?
I don't prance around at all.
I just put the stuff on.
There's no prancing involved.
So, what do you do?
J ust sit around
in my clothes?
I just watch the telly
or do the ironing
or the vacuuming.
Vacuuming?
And you,
you need special help.
You do know that, don't you?
Look, don't you think
you should be a little
more focused on him?
He's the one
you're about to marry.
Angela?
Don't you think
you should've told me this
before we got engaged?
What the hell
are my parents gonna say?
Oh, you don't have
to tell your parents.
What is this thing?
No, it's nothing.
It's nothing.
What the...
Oh, you sick bastards.
Angela, please, calm down.
Let's not blow this
out of proportion.
Got the wedding
in a week.
Angela!
Angel...
Would you like
to order something
from the menu?
Look, will you just
please fuck off?
What's the matter
with you?
[Voice cracking]
I asked a customer
what he wanted from the menu
and he told me to fuck off.
I've had enough.
I'm going home.
You can't go home.
I'm sorry.
I can't handle it anymore.
You have to stay.
Nobody else is doing any work.
I'm lumbered with everything
in my head.
You can sack me
if you like. I don't care.
I need you here!
You'll manage.
You don't understand.
I didn't wanna
tell you this.
I'm in line for a job.
The Marion.
And the owner's
coming here today
to check this place out.
You're leaving?
This job would be
huge for me, Tom.
And I'm so close.
I can't stay here forever.
When's he coming?
Any minute now.
Thank you, Tom.
I'm gonna go an check
if he hasn't arrived, yet.
[Whispering]
That's okay.
You know, I was never
really sure about you
and Angela, anyway.
Making it in the long run
with a marriage and everything.
But look
on the bright side.
Sure there are plenty
of women out that are
into that sort of thing.
Hello, again.
Oh, hello.
Look, I know we
didn't really hit off
all that well.
We both know
why we came here today,
don't we, eh?
Do we?
I'm a man,
and you're a woman.
And I reckon you probably get
a bit lonely at night,
don't you?
You must be, what?
Thirty? Still single?
I'm 27.
Exactly. Well,
near enough, anyway.
What I'm trying to say
is, uh, if you want to,
we could just go back
to my place and...
My God,
you're serious.
What's the worst
that can happen, eh?
I mean, you have a bit
of a crap shag.
You go home,
take a shower.
I n a day or two
you would've forgot
all about it.
But then again,
you just might enjoy it.
I've never had
any complaints.
So, uh,
what do you think, then?
Thanks and everything.
Sounds like
a great opportunity,
but I think
I'm gonna give it a miss.
Really?
I mean, are you sure?
Yeah.
Fair enough, then.
I mean...
Bye.
Okay.
M ike, Laura's getting up.
Didn't even notice me.
That's how insignificant
I am to her now.
Quickly, while she's gone.
Porn girl. Go.
She's just broken up
with her boyfriend!
Exactly, mate.
She's single.
Plus, she's feeling
vulnerable, alone.
Her self-esteem
is at a low ebb.
I've never seen
anything so perfect.
I'm more likely to stab myself
in the eye with this fork
than go over there.
You want Laura to come
back and see you sitting here
like some sort of tern
while she's out
on a hot date?
Yeah, but think about it.
What if she saw you with that?
She wouldn't think
you're so insignificant,
would she?
No.
[Angela retching]
Are you okay?
[Coughs]
Yeah, great.
[Flushes toilet]
Is there anything
I can do?
Well, I just found out that
mi fianc likes to dress up
in my bra and knickers.
What do you suggest?
Oh, no, here she goes,
mate. That's that.
She's looking around
for the waiter.
She's about to leave.
You've got to go now.
Do it I
I will.
Good man.
Go on, then.
Come on, M ichael,
you can do this.
[Clears throat]
Hello.
Hello.
What are you reading?
That's a good book.
Anna Kara...
Karenina.
Have you read it?
No.
I just... me mates,
they all said
it's a good read.
Do you mind if I sit down
just for a sec?
Go on.
I just want to sit
to apologize
for what happened earlier.
Your friend's an idiot.
What sort of a person
does that?
He's not my friend.
I feel sorry for him.
[Whispers]
He's got
learning difficulties.
It's sad, but true.
I'm M ike.
I'm Gloria.
You cunt.
You evil cunt!
Pervert!
This man is a deviant.
He gets sexual satisfaction
out of dressing up as a baby
and getting spanked I
Whoa, whoa!
I think you've made
a mistake.
Okay, okay.
What the hell...
What the hell
is going on here?
My husband.
He's a sick man.
He dresses up in a nappy
and pleads with me
to spank him.
He needs to be locked up.
I can assure you
that I've never seen this woman
before in my entire life.
You know, look at her.
She is obviously a nutser.
Surely, could you sit down?
And we can all talk about this
over a cup of tea.
[Shouting]
No, you don't understand!
This man is a pervert!
He needs to be locked upl
He's sick.
He's a sick man I
You're crazy.
I'm gonna go
get your granddaughter.
Stay.
What's going on?
Vanessa's grandmother
tried to take out
one of our customers.
Where is she?
We put her outside.
Outside? You can't
just put her outside.
Excuse me.
Hi, everyone.
I'm the manager here
and I'd like to apologize
for the unfortunate incident
that just took place,
and offer you all
coffee on the house.
Grandmal
You have to believe me.
That woman
is a complete maniac.
I don't know
what she's talking about.
I mean, I've never
even been spanked.
You know,
I certainly wouldn't...
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It was an accident.
I can...
I can help you with this.
You might have to open
your legs a little bit.
What the hell
is going on?
He's some kind of pervert.
H is wife was saying.
Someone should call
the police.
She's not my wife,
for crying out loud.
She was insane!
Couldn't you see that?
What the hell are you doing
with my girlfriend?
I was just...
I was dabbing.
Right.
You little fuck,
outside, now.
Mark, just leave it.
You heard me.
Outside, now I
No, no.
You don't understand.
You don't understand,
pussy!
You and me
are going outside.
You can either walk out,
or I can drag you out
by your hair.
I've got cancer.
What?
I've got cancer.
So, you know,
back off.
[Clears throat]
He says he does the ironing.
Can you believe that?
He puts on my underwear
and does housework.
What am I supposed
to make of that?
Well, that doesn't
sound so bad.
At least he's clean.
Yeah, brilliant.
My ex-fianc
is a filthy
disgusting slob.
I'd have been happy for him
to wear gimp outfit
if he'd do the washing up
once and a while.
Really?
Why is he your ex?
He couldn't handle
the whole commitment thing.
Thanks.
We got engaged
because I practically
forced him into it.
He used to wake up
in the middle of the night
having palpitations
and nightmares
about castration.
Eventually, we accepted
he just wasn't up to it.
The thing is,
I was always trying
to change him.
I guess I was trying
to mold him into what
I wanted him to be,
instead of just accepting
him for who he was.
Now I'm back to being
alone, having to go
on blind dates with idiots.
I don't believe
you told him
you have cancer.
Where were you?
The guy was about
to rip my head off.
What was I
supposed to do?
To tell him you have cancer,
that's just sick.
Do you think
I've cursed myself?
Fucking freak.
I should sort him out now.
Oh, just leave it,
Mark.
Come on,
let's get out of here.
I'm not coming.
Don't start this shit now.
I mean it.
I am not coming.
I'm fed up
of this macho bullshit.
The possessiveness,
the jealousy, the paranoia.
What are you talking about?
You've got a lot
of growing up to do.
The fit ones
are always bastards,
aren't they?
Yeah.
They're just not worth it.
Hi.
Is Sam Harvey back?
(man over the phone)
Yes, he is.
He's there.
Okay, thanks.
He's there.
Fuck.
(Sam)
Hello?
Hey, Sam!
It's Dylan.
How are you doing?
Great. So?
Yeah, I spoke
to the publishers.
What did they think?
Well, they said they, uh...
Well, basically
they didn't get it.
Didn't get it?
Apparently not.
What do you mean
they didn't get it?
Are they retarded?
They said there
wasn't enough action.
Not enough action?
Sam, did you tell them
this is an existential novel?
It's not supposed
to have action!
They didn't care.
You know, Sam,
do me a favor, okay?
Call them back and tell them
I am going to get
my novel published.
And furthermore, when people
are calling me The Voice
of the Next Generation
and they come crawling back,
begging me on their hands
and knees
to publish my next novel,
I'll tell them they can kiss
my action-less assl
Calm down, dude.
I've got another call.
I'm gonna have to run.
Will you call me back?
Okay, bye.
They didn't get it.
They didn't get it.
I'm so sorry,
Dylan.
U h, what's going on?
How can you two
be standing there?
Perhaps someone
would actually like
to be cooking.
We do have customers
that need to be fed.
Dylan just got
some bad news.
They're not gonna
publish his book.
I see. It turns out
you know better than
the rest of us after all.
Jesus, Tom!
A bit of sensitivity.
What? He's been
strutting around
for the past six weeks
like he's some sort
of prima donna.
Why don't you shut
your face?
Maybe you wanna shut it
for me.
Maybe I will.
Whoa, whoa.
This is all very exciting,
be we still got a cafe to run
and a round of free coffees
to deliver.
Come on.
Fine. Here're
your new orders.
You can add them to the backlog
and to the new customers
coming in for lunch.
Shall I get Charlie?
Do you want to do
some cooking?
Yes, please.
Come on.
H i.
Tom said you might need
some help.
It doesn't mean
I want anything
to do with you.
Bloody hell.
Jesus Christ!
Let's get going.
Don't we get any cake?
Can't have coffee
without cake!
The coffee is free.
If you want cake,
order cake.
I think if they're going
to give us coffee,
they ought to give us cake.
Who has coffee
without cake?
I don't know.
Skinny people!
Look, no one ever said
anything about free cake.
The coffee is free.
If you need cake,
then you can fucking
order some cake!
If you don't like it,
you know what you can do.
I demand to speak
to the manager.
N ice one, Dylan.
Fuck you!
What are you doing in here?
Actually, Rachel asked me
to come in, Vanessa.
Two more Greek salads.
That shouldn't be a problem
for you, Charlie.
You can do both
at the same time.
H i. I'd like to report
a missing old lady.
Yeah, I'll hold.
Charlie, did you ever
find out who that condom
belonged to?
Yeah, I did, Tom.
Really?
It was Rachel and Dylan.
Was it?
Come on.
There you go.
Hey, man!
That was quite a display
you put out over there, man.
I just found out my novel
is not gonna get published.
Hey, man,
you mind if I play
a song, man?
Pass the hat?
Is that cool?
Knock yourself out.
Excuse me.
Not now.
(whiny customer)
It's ridiculous.
First I get a chicken salad
that doesn't even look
like a chicken salad.
Then they try
to serve us coffee
without any cake.
H i. Yeah, Id' like to report
a missing person.
Yes. M m-hm.
Yes.
(Rachel)
Yes. Yesl
Oh, yesl
Yes, Dylan, yesl
I never knew sex could be
so incredible.
Thank you.
What are we gonna do
about Charlie?
Who cares?
[Both laugh]
To Charlie.
[Laughing continues]
(Vanessa)
Charlie, what the hell
are you doing?
Rachel!
M r. Davies!
How are you?
Welcome.
Rachel!
Sorry.
Please, darling,
tell me it's not true.
Did you fuck Dylan?!
Did you?!
What the hell are you talking?
Get back to the kitchen.
Everybody, listen up.
This woman right here
is the most loving,
most generous, most wonderful
person in the whole wide
bloody word,
and until
very recently,
I don't now why,
but she was my girlfriend,
and I screwed up, Rach.
I royally fucking
screwed up! I'd never
had a threesome before
or anything like that.
But they were twins!
What was I supposed to do?
Bloody hell, Rach.
I've embarrassed myself
in front of all these people.
I don't know what to do.
Do you want me
to get on my knees?
I'll get on my knees.
I'm getting
on my bloody knees.
Please, Rachel.
That's it, get up.
Get back to the kitchen.
We'll talk about this later.
I don't want.
Excuse me.
Sorry to interrupt.
But under the circumstances
I thought it'd be a good idea
to sing a little song.
This is for all of you
lonely motherfuckers out there.
# I don't believe in Heaven #
# I don't believe in God #
# My parents are dead #
# I got no friends #
# I don't even have a dog #
M r. Davies, why don't we get
a coffee in my office?
And we can have a chat,
and I can show you...
# There once was a time
I had a love #
# But I threw it all away #
# Now I sit here
All alone #
# J ust wasting away #
# Like a rotting corpse #
I guess the thing is
I just always thought
I'd find a man
who was sweet,
and kind, and clever,
and hardworking,
and happy in men's clothes.
To be honest with you,
sounds to me like the worst
thing your fianc does
is wear your underwear
and do the housework.
You're doing
pretty bloody well.
# When all is said and done #
# A six by two-foot box
To rot inside #
# Being eaten over decades
By maggots and worms #
# I just want
To kill myself #
# p ut a bullet in my eye #
# I just wanna kill myself #
# I just want to die #
# I just want to die #
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Right.
Three rules.
N umber one.
I'm wearing
the wedding dress.
N umber two.
We're buying you
your own set of underwear.
I'm not having you
stretching out
all my knickers.
And number three.
If any one ever finds out
about this,
I'll kill you both.
Come along, David.
So, you're gonna get back to me
about the whole
alibi thing then?
Damn!
Tom, that guy in the suit,
who was that?
That is the owner
of the Marion.
The Marion?
He's come to see Rachel
about a job there.
Oh, shit.
I made a mistake
breaking up with Laura.
You'd rather got married
and never shag a bird again
the rest of your life?
I'm not shagging anyone.
There is potential there.
It's not good enough.
I'm sick of acting like
an overgrown teenager.
I'm sick of you
telling me what to do
all the time,
like you've got
all the bloody answers.
You've never
had a girlfriend.
Easy, mate,
that's not true.
Maybe not, but all you do
is smoking gear.
Are you listening to me?
Oh, my fucking Lord!
[Gunshot]
Right.
Nobody move!
Do you...
Excuse me for a moment.
Come on, pigeon hat.
I'm taking you home
to deal with your problem.
I'm going to cure you I
Come on, up you get.
Grandma.
What are you doing?
P ut the gun down.
[Bang]
Oh, bugger! Come on.
I've told you once!
What have you done
to my grandmother?
Sorry, mate.
You don't mind if I,
uh, tch, tch.
Grandma.
Grandma, wake up.
Should we call
the police?
She just blasted a hole
in a bloody fucking wall I
All right, everyone,
let's calm down.
Hello, sir.
My name is Charlie.
I'm the chef here.
What's going on?
Nothing.
It's just an old lady
firing off a shotgun.
I would love
to apologize for my, uh,
for my outburst earlier.
Hello?
Can you hear me?
You feeling okay?
Could I get a cup of tea?
It's not just the business.
You know, she is so fantastic
with people.
And the staff,
she treats them
like her own family.
And the customers,
oh, my God,
love her.
That's why they keep on
coming back for more.
I honestly truly think
that, uh,
that she'll be
the best person
for this job.
If you're all so fond of her,
why do you want me to give her
a job and take her away?
To be honest with you,
the last thing I want
in the whole wide world
is for Rachel to leave.
But I know that she's always
wanted to work at The Marion,
you know.
And, uh, and me,
being as I am,
completely and utterly
in love with her,
I guess I just want her
to be happy.
H i.
That was just a little
old lady with a shotgun.
No harm done.
So, how're we doing here?
Good.
Good bye.
I nteresting staff.
Sorry about that.
Danny.
I have to tell you
something.
What?
When she fired the gun,
I shat my pants.
Well, mate, so did I!
That shocking behavior...
No, no.
I mean I actually
shat my pants.
You did what?
[Whispering]
Shat my pants.
I've shat in my pants.
[Whispering]
Danny, I'm full of shit
inside me pants.
You did, didn't you?
Fucking hell.
All right, yeah.
Let's, uh...
We'll get you to the toilet.
Get you cleaned up.
No toilets.
J ust take me home.
Take me home, please.
And I'll deal
with it there.
So, up on three then.
On three.
One.
On three or after three?
Make me stand on three.
One.
Two. Three.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
You've forgotten
your dead rat.
Thank you.
Do you know what?
I'm not gay.
I just wanted to...
Great.
Mike?
Laura?
Hey!
What are you doing here?
What the hell is going on?
J ust some crazy old woman
trying to take me
as hostage.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Now I'm done, eh?
Bit of a crick
in the neck, though.
Can you just...
Thank you.
It's funny
meeting you here,
actually, 'cause...
well, I've, uh,
I've been thinking
about you a lot.
And I was just,
you know, I was thinking
that we still have stuff
to say to each other, right?
What's that terrible smell?
I don't know.
I should get moving.
But, um, I'll call you,
and we could go
for a coffee or a tea.
Whatever you fancy.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'd like that.
Me, too.
I'll, uh...
Oh, what do you do?
I don't know!
Okay. All right.
Bye, then.
Right.
That's enough.
Let's go.
I don't believe you told her
you'd call. If you hadn't
shat your pants,
I 'd give you such
a go at you right now.
Well, I have.
So shut the fuck up.
God! I can't believe you
would whack an old woman
over the head.
What is wrong with you?
She was holding
a loaded shotgun!
You're lucky
she didn't kill anybody.
You shut up.
I can't take
you two bickering.
The backlog of orders,
and Rachel is in the office
having an interview
for another job.
What do you mean
she's having an interview?
Thanks for stepping by.
Well, it's been my pleasure.
Good bye.
Hey.
How did it go?
He said that the fact
that I kept this place going
considering the misfits
I had to deal with,
was almost unbelievable.
He offered me the job.
I don't know
what to do.
You should take it.
Did you get the job?
And?
I'm gonna take it.
That's great I
Congratulations.
Tom.
I'm sorry.
I just can't believe
you're leaving.
You know I couldn't have gone
through today without you,
don't you?
And actually, I was wondering
if you'd take over this place
as manager.
Oh, God, Rachel.
I'd love to.
Well, you turned out
to be quite the hero today.
Didn't know
you had it in you.
Neither did I.
At least one of us
is getting out of here.
You're gonna make it
one day, Dylan.
I've no doubt in my mind.
You got to keep working
your ass off.
I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
For what it's worth,
I think you should
forgive him.
Really?
Life's confusing, Rachel.
None of us really know
what we're doing.
Especially him.
But he loves you.
You shouldn't take that
for granted.
That was nice.
What you said
to M r. Davies.
I meant it.
Charlie!
I know I fucked up,
didn't I?
Yeah.
J ust so you know,
by the way, I don't
blame you or Dylan.
You must've been
really angry and...
a difficult proposition
to resist.
What are you
talking about?
The condom wrapper.
Charlie, I didn't
have sex with Dylan.
What do you think I am?
What?
Who's was it, then?
I don't know. You're
the one with the rampant
sexual appetite.
So, was it worth it?
The threesome?
Nothing, nothing
was worth risking
what I have with you,
because you are
everything to me.
And to think
that I fucked that up
because of some dirty
cheap thrill
makes me feel
like the biggest twat
on the planet.
You are what you are.
I know.
J ust give me
one thing, darling.
J ust tell me this
is not definitely over.
I'm not asking
to move back in.
But please tell me
that it's definitely
not the end.
[Whispers]
Hey.
[Whispers]
'Cause I love you.
I'll think about it.
[Whispers]
Fine.
I've got to get back.
So, it actually happened
with you and Rachel.
What are you
talking about?
Everyone keeps saying,
"Dylan and Rachel."
I just wanna know
if there's something
going on.
Are you the most irritating
person in the world?
It was us, you idiot.
The condom was ours.
I know.
I just...
thought there might have been
some truth to it.
Well, there wasn't, okay?
Sorry.
I'm used to it.
All right.
I'm off to take Granny
back to the home.
Make sure you bring her
back again soon.
She's an angel.
Yeah, yeah.
Very funny.
See you tomorrow.
See you.
God, what a day.
I can't believe
I'm gonna be the new boss.
Well, just remember
who's the boss
in the bedroom.
[Smack]
Thank you for a lovely
afternoon, dear.
Of course.
(whole cast)
# After you've gone
And left me crying #
# After you've gone,
There's no denying #
# You'll feel blue,
You're gonna be sad #
# You've missed the bestest pal
You ever had #
# There'll come a time,
Now, don't forget it #
# There'll come a time,
That you'll regret it #
# Someday you'll know
What you're doing #
# You know my love for you
Will drive me to ruin #
# After you've gone #
# Go away #
# After you've gone away #
# Away #
# Away #
# Away #
Tomorrow #
# Wild, like you are
The final flame #
# White flash into the dark #
# Before the rain
Comes thundering down #
# Live like you're gonna die
Tomorrow #
# Shoot your gun
At the rising sun #
# Crash right
I nto your walls #
# And watch them all
Coming tumbling down #
# She don't mind,
Shakes it all the time #
# Like a monkey's
On her back #
# You got time,
Man she got the crime #
# Gonna get it
While she can #
# Live like you're gonna die
Tomorrow #
# Wild, like you are
The final flame #
# White flash into the dark
Before the rain comes #
Ah! Rachel!
What are you doing?
I want you out
of here now!
All right,
calm down, darling.
Calm down.
You have no business here.
I work here.
Not anymore.
What do you mean?
You're fired.
Where am I supposed to go?
You kicked me out of the flat,
I need the rest of my clothes.
I'm keeping the rest
of your clothes
so I can burn them!
Fuck you, Rachel!
This is ridiculous.
You can't run a restaurant
without a chef!
That is not
your concern anymore.
I know you're upset, darling.
Don't you think you're going
a little tiny bit over the top?
Do you remember
what you told me
last night?
You had a threesome.
You had sex
with two girls.
One isn't bad enough.
You had to do it with two!
It doesn't count
as two, darling.
What?
It happened
at the same time.
So it's one indiscretion
with each girl
counting as half!
If anything,
it's better than one
because it shows
there were no
real emotions involved.
Get out!
Get out.
No emotion.
What are you waiting for?
Have you been having sex
with someone in here?
Right, that's it.
I want you out
of here now.
And if you so much as
set foot on my cafe,
I'm calling the police.
I'm gonna stand out here
until you have calmed down.
Good morning.
(Grandma)
Oh, what lovely roses.
They're all dead I
Grandma,
how are you doing?
Look.
Grandma,
you're not really supposed
to be here, okay?
J ust sit here quietly.
I'll go get you
a nice cup of tea, right?
I'll be right back.
My God.
Do I feel like crap today.
I know.
Me, too.
Remind me the next time Dylan
suggests an after-hours drink,
to punch him in the face.
I feel like someone
shat in my mouth.
That's nice.
What's going on
with Charlie?
I just saw him half naked
out in the corridor.
Rachel kicked him out
last night.
No!
Don't you remember?
They'd a screaming row,
and then she told him
she'd never want
to see him again.
Bloody hell.
I thought they were
the perfect couple.
Well, they were,
except that he was fucking
other people.
[Door opens]
[Humming]
Morning, Tom.
Morning.
Oh, Tom, would you mind
doing the cooking today?
Me?
Yeah.
Is that okay?
I'll do my best.
I thought we'd do
a lasagna special.
What are you gonna have?
M ike.
I really think I'm too stoned
to be here right now, Danny.
You need to relax, man.
I'm beginning to feel
extremely anxious.
What are you gonna have?
M ike?
Why are you...
Why are you looking
at me like that?
I'm just wondering
what's with the hat.
Shit hair cut.
I'm single for the first time
in four years,
I'm not gonna pull
with a shit hair cut.
I don't know.
Let's have a look.
It looks the same
as it always does.
Like shit.
Danny, don't look now,
but there's a woman
over there.
She's really strange looking.
She's staring at me.
What woman?
I told you not to look.
Do you think if I went
over there and sat
in that chair opposite her,
she'd think I was sitting
on top of the person
she's talking to?
I don't know.
She's freaking me out.
Dylan.
Charlie's gone.
I'm having to do
all the cooking.
Do you think you'd like
to join us for work
at all today?
I feel like shit.
I'm waiting for my agent
to call, okay?
I'll be there in a minute.
I'll tell Rachel.
Give me a break.
I'll be there in a minute!
You're like my mother!
[Telephone rings]
Hello?
(woman)
Rachel, Davies
is coming in today.
Today?
Does it have to be today?
Yeah.
Is there a problem?
No, that's fine.
At what time?
Don't know.
It could be any time
this afternoon.
You will let me know
what time.
I'll try.
Okay.
Thanks.
Shit!
I shouldn't have had
that split before lunch time.
It's too early for me.
Where did you get
that stuff, Danny?
J ulian.
Jesus Christ! J ulian?
The guy's a maniac.
He pumps his stuff
with all kinds of shit.
God knows what was in it.
It's what makes it great.
Give me strength.
What are you trying
to do to me?
You get me stoned off me tits
and bring me to a place
full of freaks.
Now she's got me off.
All right, mate,
calm down.
[Grumps]
Okay.
Danny, please, can we go now?
I'm starting to get upset.
M ike, I think you're having
a paranoia attack.
No shit.
Dylan, why
aren't you inside?
You are unbelievable.
Don't blame Tom.
We've got customers.
I'm waiting
for my agent to call.
We were supposed to talk
to the publishers on Wednesday.
I'm sure he'll call when he's
got something to tell you.
Get in.
You're such an ass.
So do we have to work
while you sit on your ass
all day?
You're not the only one
with a splitting headache,
you know!
It started since
you split up,
and you started acting
like a such fuck up case.
Excuse me?
Correct me if I'm wrong,
but wasn't it you
that told me
to split with her?
I said you shouldn't get
married.
It amounts
to the same thing.
Yeah, but what's that about?
Giving you ultimatums?
Women know that no man
in their right mind
wants to get married. Ever.
But only do it
'cause they put them
under psychological
and emotional pressure.
Why is it women spend
their entire lives
dreaming about weddings
and men avoid them
for as long as possible?
I don't know.
Because the old concept
is completely
female-orientated.
It's a celebration
of female victory
over the male.
At least it's better than
being alone and miserable
for the rest of your life.
Oh, bollocks, mate.
You need to learn to go out
and enjoy the single life.
I bet she is.
I bet you
she is going out
right now,
getting laid by every Tom,
Dick, and Harry she can get
her filthy hands on.
Danny, what are you saying?
Women are like that, mate.
They act like,
"Oh, I'm gonna crumble and die
if you break up with me."
Bullshit!
She is going out,
having great sex
with a variety of partners,
doing all the weird sort
of experimental shit
she could never do with you.
Could you just please
shut up, all right?
Mate, I'm just trying to help.
Don't help.
All right,
here you go.
You'd better get a move on.
We're starting to fall behind.
How am I meant to do
all these?
My God, Tom,
what the hell is that?
[Glass whistling]
Do you have to do that?
Do you have to read
while we're sitting together?
I told you
I was gonna read.
You invited
yourself along.
Because I thought
that you might want
to talk to me.
I did talk to you.
We had a nice chat.
Now I'm reading.
Why don't you get yourself
a paper?
Can I get
a latte, please?
U h, sure.
Anything else?
No, that's it.
It's a good book.
Yes, it is.
What was all that about?
What was all what about?
The business
with the waiter.
What is wrong with you?
He was mentally
undressing you.
He was doing his job.
Don't be ridiculous.
Doing his job?
Yeah.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna take a piss.
Can you go for a couple
of minutes without flirting
with any strangers?
I can't give that
to our customers, Tom.
It smells like old vomit.
What's it meant to be,
anyway?
That's lasagna.
Lasagna?
Are you joking?
I'm not a chef.
What do you want from me?
You're gay, aren't you?
Gay men are supposed
to be able to cook.
That's conventional.
Here, smell that.
Jesus Christ!
What is that?
It's meant to be lasagna.
It's meant to be
lasagna?
Nobody complained
about it on Tuesday I
I tried to
freshen it up a bit!
My God, I'm doing
the best I can under very
difficult circumstances!
Rachel, smell that.
Tom says it's meant
to be lasagna.
Out of interest,
is anyone planning
on doing the washing up?
Why don't you do it
for a change?
I can't serve that.
You don't wash upl
Does that look
like lasagna?
Willy, Charlie!
People, please!
I can't cope with you acting
like small children.
I know we all feel
like utter shit,
but we're just gonna have
to pull together.
Charlie's gone.
U ntil I can replace him,
we're just gonna have
to make do.
I saw him.
We could ask him
to come in.
He's not to come in.
Is that clear?
Yeah.
Go on, Tom.
You help with the customers.
Tell them we're out
of the pasta special.
Bloody twat.
Dylan.
We've got a real nut job.
Table six. You'll have
to deal with her.
No, no chance.
Come on.
I always have to handle
the weirdos in this place.
No. J ust let her sit there.
She'll get bored
and leave.
You two are a couple
of pussies, aren't you?
She's my grandmother.
Your grandmother?
Yeah.
You got a problem?
Does she look freaky lookn'?
That's the way you look like
when you spend half your life
in an institution.
Does Rachel know
she's here?
No, she doesn't.
And you'd better
not tell her,
unless you want these tongs
to be a permanent part
of your anatomy.
Wait until she gets here.
Find yourself a random girl.
Shag her. Dump her.
That ought to sort you right.
Out.
What?
What is it?
Mate, I think your luck
just came in.
The table over there,
right behind you.
Do you recognize that bird?
No.
Who is she?
Mate, she's a bloody
porn actress.
Wait here.
I'm gonna talk to her
for you.
Don't be insane.
What are you gonna say?
A mate split up
with her girlfriend and needs
a little female company.
No, you can't say that.
Sure I can.
The drugs have fucked
with your brain.
Rubbish.
Going over there.
Don't do it.
It's gonna end in tears.
Probably mine.
[Clears throat]
H i there.
Hello.
Look, l...
I hope you don't mind me
coming over here or anything,
but, uh,
I just had to tell you
that I...
really love your work.
I mean, I think that you
bring pleasure
to a lot of men.
Myself included.
I'm sorry?
You know, with the films
you are in.
No, I don't know.
Yeah, you do.
There was that one you did.
It was brilliant.
Walking to the men's song
and end up being shagged
by three blokes.
What the hell
is going on?
H i.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
We're just...
This guy has
mistaken me
for someone else.
Really?
Are you sure...
She said that you had
the wrong person.
Oh, right.
Okay, yes.
Sorry about that.
That's, uh, fair enough.
Sorry, mate.
[Clears throat]
What happened?
Wrong girl, apparently.
Fucking nob.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
He's not worth it,
you know.
It's not just Charlie.
Then what is it?
I've applied for a job
at the Marion.
The Marion?
Bloody hell.
Yeah. The manager
position was up.
I've had two interviews,
and now the owner wants to come
here to check out the cafe.
He's coming today.
Like he couldn't come
any other day.
Christ, Rachel.
Am I hallucinating or was
that guy insinuating that
you were in a dirty movie?
I think he might
have been.
How dare he?
I'll just go
over there right now
and put him straight.
It was a mistake, Mark.
J ust forget about it.
Forget about it?
I mean, it's not true, is it?
How can you even ask me that?
Of course it's not true.
Do you swear it
on your life?
You want me to swear
on my life?
Yeah. Why not?
If it's not true,
swear on your life.
Because I don't swear
on my life.
I don't!
Fine. J ust look me
in the eye and tell me
that it's not true.
For God sake's, Mark.
It's not true!
My God.
It's true, isn't it?
Mark!
I know when
you're lying to mel
Shit.
What do you mean, "shit"?
I mean, you weren't supposed
to find out like this.
How could you do
something like this?
It was just to make
some extra money.
It was the only way
I could stay
on the university
and finish
my Comparative
Literature degree.
Jesus Christ!
What are you doing?
Don't be so melodramatic!
It was only sex!
Shh!
Don't say that word.
Look, just tell me,
how many men did you fuck
in these things?
I don't know.
What do you mean?
I mean I don't know!
[Moaning]
(Danny)
Wow I
[clears throat]
I've never known a girl
shag so many men
in one go.
It must be some sort
of record.
God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Calm down, Mark.
You're making a scene.
I'm perfectly fucking calm,
all right?
I'm trying to find out
how many men you
have fucked in these things.
You do realize that
when you fuck men
for money,
it effectively
makes you a whore.
A filthy fucking whore!
Sir, you cannot shout
like that in here.
You want me to leave
so that you can fuck
my girlfriend?
No, I don't want to fuck
your girlfriend.
Oh, really?
All right.
Who here wants to have sex
with my girlfriend, huh?
Come on.
Who wants to ask her?
What's going on?
Vanessa, I'm handling it.
Thank you.
I was going to
ask you to marry me.
Can you believe that?
I wanted you to be
the mother of my children.
Oh, look at that.
He had your whole life
planned out.
What a great guy.
This has absolutely nothing
to do with you.
Is it in your nature
to be this controlling
or are just compensating
for having a small penis?
Vanessa, enough.
Sir, I have to ask you
to take it outside, okay?
Mark, why don't you go outside
and see if you can find
some perspective?
You okay?
Yeah.
Fine, thanks.
You really need
to grow yourself
a decent size pair of balls.
Vanessa, the guy left,
didn't he?
Yeah, he needed
a good walloping.
That was really something.
The way you singlehandedly
fucked up that couple's
relationship.
That's quite impressive.
It's not my fault
if they can't deal
with their own shit.
What's that guy's problem?
So, his girlfriend
is a porn actress.
For one thing,
she's probably extremely
uninhibited in bed.
I bet you she's up
for all sorts of weird shit.
Where're you going?
You can't leave me
on me own.
It'll be two minutes.
Do you think you can just
do whatever you want
and not be punished for?
You sick pervert.
You'll suffer
for what you've done.
You're disgusting.
You should be locked up.
Pervert.
Grandma, what the hell
are you doing?
It's the handling
and the mistreatment.
What's the matter with you?
# Woo-hoo
Woo-hoo #
# Come on,
Come on #
# Woo-hoo
Woo-hoo #
# Come on,
Com on #
What the...
Excuse me.
Can I have a table
for two, please?
Sure.
Thank you.
You didn't hear the way
she was talking to me.
She told me
I was going to suffer.
The woman
is clearly insane.
Fuck off!
I'm not sitting
in the toilets all day.
It's your fault
'cause you got me
too stoned, didn't you?
I can't deal
with this shit, Danny.
Not now, not...
It's not funny.
I've got a pain
down me left arm.
I could be having
a heart attack.
Okay, mate.
Calm down.
Hello, Tom.
Hello, Charlie.
How's Rachel?
Not great.
She says
you're not allowed in.
You have to wait outside.
All right, mate.
Tom, have you got
any idea about this?
I found it in Rachel's office.
No.
Excuse me.
Laura?
You must be Steve.
I'm relieved
I can tell you.
I was worried that Sean
wasn't gonna set me up
with the right minger.
I'd have to dart out
the door.
[Laughs]
Right.
How long do you think
this guy is gonna be?
You gotta take a dump?
Why don't you use
the urinal?
I wanna use the cubicle.
I don't like
taking my penis out
in front of other men.
What are you worried about?
Is it...
I'm not worried
about anything, Danny.
I just find
the whole situation
a bit uncomfortable.
We're just expected
to stand there
and expose our... bits.
You're afraid of getting
an erection, aren't you?
I reckon that's what it is.
You're afraid you'll catch
sight of another man's penis
and you'll sprout
a giant erection.
M ichael, there's nothing
wrong with being gay.
I never said there
was anything wrong
with being gay, did I?
Have you been
waiting long?
Not too long, no.
Oh, good.
I thought I might've been
a bit late, you know.
I've been out
buying meself a new gun.
[Laughs]
Don't worry.
I'm not a nutter
or anything.
It's for pigeons, mostly.
[Laughs]
I kill a lot of pigeons
'round our house, you know.
Cropping on the roof.
And squirrels.
Pfft!
[Laughs]
Dirty little bastards.
It's the latest model.
Twelve gage.
Double barrel shotgun.
Sounds nice.
It's great.
You'd love it.
I'll show it to you.
It's in the car.
No, that's all right.
Thanks.
So, are you
into guns then?
U h... not massively, no.
Sometimes I wish
I was gay.
Really? Wow!
Why is that?
One way to avoid
the gender-divide nightmare.
Think about it.
Never having
to second-guess a woman.
Never having to worry about
what you're gonna say
that was gonna annoy her
or turn her off you.
If you're gay,
you've gotta deal with
getting shagged up the ass.
Are you all right
with that?
Yeah.
At least I know
I was gonna get shagged
up the ass.
Not that uncertainty
that you have with women.
The question hanging over.
Will we, won't we?
I reckon I could go
out there tonight,
find a bloke
and pretty much rest assure
I'd get shagged right up
my back passage.
[Toilet flushes]
Hello.
So how do you know Sean?
Oh, I actually shared
a flat with him, you know.
Back in the day.
Do you remember when
he used to work as a clown
in children's parties?
What was he like
to live with?
Was he fun?
Oh, you don't want to know
about that.
Yeah, I do.
Go on.
Well, I shouldn't
really say this,
but the truth is
Sean spent
most of his time
masturbating.
Oh!
Really?
Any chance he would get.
Morning, noon, or night.
It was like he was addicted
or something.
Don't tell him
I told you this, right?
Because he still doesn't know.
But we once hid
a video camera in
his room and taped him.
[Laughs]
To this day
I have in my house
a video tape
with Sean wanking.
[Laughs]
Got me the funniest thing
you've ever seen
in your life.
All right.
How is it
you know Sean, anyway?
He's my brother-in-law.
Oh, right.
All right?
How are you?
I hope you don't mind.
Angela's on her way.
Oh, right.
We're going to sort out
the flowers for the wedding.
Turns out they lost our order.
Can't believe it.
A week before the wedding.
I wouldn't wanna be
in their shoes with Angela
on the war path.
Yeah.
Tell me about it.
Listen, uh, David.
I've got something
to show you.
What's that?
This arrived
at my doorstep this morning.
Gee! My God,
what the hell is that?
It's a dead rat, David.
What do you think it is?
What are you doing
with it?
First you've gotta promise me
you're not gonna tell anyone.
Not even Angela.
Do you promise me?
Of course.
I promise.
I remember I used
to go to the Marion
when I was a little girl
and just peek
through the window.
I thought it was
this amazing place.
I'm so close
to getting this job
that all I think about
is that I'll be letting
everyone here.
My dad managed
this place for years.
He actually died here.
He had a heart attack
right here in this kitchen.
J ust feel like
I'd be abandoning
everything he worked for.
Rachel, I really think
you've worked your ass off
here long enough.
Quite frankly, I think
you deserve something more.
Thanks.
Don't tell the others, okay?
I don't want them
getting all neurotic.
Yeah, I won't say a word.
What's going on?
Nothing.
I bet that guy
thinks I'm gay now.
Well, you did say
you were definitely gonna get
fucked up the ass tonight.
So maybe.
I should go and tell him
I'm not gay.
Who gives a shit
if he thinks you're gay?
I don't like
being misrepresented.
[Peeing]
Oh, God.
Mate, what the hell
are you doing in there?
Danny, I think
I might have a problem.
What sort of problem?
When I go to the toilet,
it kind of comes out
in dribs and drabs.
[Laughs]
I think I've got a problem
in me prostate.
I'm sacred
I might be developing
a cancer.
But you're not a doctor.
You can't diagnose yourself
with cancer.
You see?
I've had it
for about three weeks.
It's not getting
any better.
I put my symptoms into
the I nternet and I got 3, 000
results for prostate cancer.
I'm genuinely scared,
Danny.
You should go to a doctor.
I guarantee he'll tell you
it's nothing.
What are you doing?
You can't smoke that
in here?
Keep your pants on.
So, I'd just been down the pub
for a couple of pints.
Janey's been a total
nightmare at the moment.
She's stressed out
by the fucking baby.
I just needed
some time by myself.
So, it's about 11: 30
and on my way home.
And I really badly needed
a slash.
So, I go down the alleyway
behind the pub,
and I'm just about
to have a piss
up against the wall
when I hear
someone coming, right?
Well, first I think,
shit, you know,
I'm gonna be marked
or murdered or something.
But then I turn around
and there's just this
little girl staring up at me.
And I'm quite
freaked out.
I'm looking at her,
and I don't realize
that I have still got
my cock in my hand.
Jesus!
So what happened?
Well, she just stares at me
for a while,
and then she gets this, like,
weird, horrified look
comes over her face.
Then she runs off screaming,
"There's a pervert
wanking off down the alleyway."
"Wanking off"?!
[Clears his throat]
Can I get you anything?
U m, yeah.
I'll have
a cappuccino, please.
I'll have a latte,
please.
Sure.
Wanking off? My God!
So, what did you do?
Obviously, I got out of there
as fast as I could.
But I was almost home
when a police car
pulls me over
and tells me I match
the description of a pervert
they've been looking for.
They took me down the station
and charged me with public
indecency involving a minor.
The girl was 12 years old,
and she's walking the streets
at that time at night.
It's a disgrace!
Charlie!
How're you doing, man?
I'm doing terrible.
Do you know
where this comes from?
No.
I found it on the floor
in Rachel's office.
Really?
Yeah, really.
And you think
she used it with someone.
I don't know.
I can't think about that
at the moment.
Why did you do it, Charlie?
It was a threesome
with two girls.
They were
identical twins, Dylan.
What the fuck
I was supposed to do?
What the hell
did you tell her for?
I don't know.
Honestly, I just
hated going to her.
I couldn't do it anymore.
And then when the booze
came out,
it just... came out.
More and more and more.
I couldn't stop it.
Truth fully,
I absolutely screwed up,
because I love that girl.
Do you think
she's gonna forgive me?
It doesn't look good.
I gotta go.
Take care.
Yeah.
Thank you.
He's over there.
Excuse me.
I ordered...
Oh, bollocks.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
I'm sorry about this.
Did you see him?
He's over there.
Do you want
to get me fired?
No, of course not,
dear.
J ust sit here.
Vanessa, what's going on?
Nothing.
She's my grandmother.
She gets one day
out of the home a month,
and it was my turn
to look after her.
She can't stay here.
Please, Rachel,
I promise you it'll be fine.
You won't have to worry.
What happened to her?
She came home one day
to find her husband of 20
years dressed up as a baby
with a big nappy on,
and being spanked
by a prostitute
in a nursemaid's outfit.
Look, today's a big day
for me, Vanessa.
J ust make sure
she doesn't mess it up, okay?
Tom, I'm gonna take
five minutes.
Okay.
I'm telling you, mate,
you should try
some of this.
How many times
do I have to tell you?
I don't want any of it.
[Coughing]
God!
What the hell
is going on in here?
Are you doing drugs?
No.
It's, uh...
It's my friend's.
He uses this
for medical reasons.
Then why
are you smoking it?
Because...
[clears throat]
Shall we go for dinner
some time?
J ust get out.
I'm really sorry.
Why did you tell her
I had medical problems?
You had the medical problem.
What difference does it make?
Besides, you're the one
with the dodgy prostate.
What about the thing
in the bag?
It came with a note saying,
"I know where you live."
It's perfectly obvious.
They put the packet
in my doorstep.
Jesus, John!
Is there anything
I can do to help?
Well, here's the thing.
When the police arrested me,
I was a bit flustered,
as you can imagine.
So, when they questioned me,
I denied having been anywhere
near the alleyway.
So, what did you tell them?
I told them
I was with you.
You told them
you where with me?
Yeah, at your house.
You told them
you were at my house?
Yeah.
John, I'm a lawyerl
That's why I thought of it!
They'd never suspect you.
Are you joking?
Now the police
are going to contact me,
and I'm gonna have to lie
and tell them
you were at my house!
It's not okay?
No! No, it's not okay.
What if they found out
I was lying?
I wouldn't be able
to practice law again.
What the hell
were you thinking?
I didn't know
what else to do!
(Charlie)
Vanessa.
You're not supposed
to be here.
Ouch!
Give me one second,
all right?
I found this
in Rachel's office.
That's nice.
Is it yours?
Of course it's not mine.
It has to belong to somebody.
Who's is it?
Look, stop waving
at my face!
I don't know, okay?
But look at the facts.
You tell Rachel
you shagged some other girls.
Ended having
a screaming row with her.
She kicks you out.
She goes up to the office
where she's comforted by Dylan,
and no one sees them
for half an hour.
It doesn't take
a genius, Charlie.
Dylan?
Oh, Christ.
What did you think?
That there was
one rule for you
and another for her?
You know, maybe
she just thought
like you.
She fancied a shag
and Dylan was available.
Dylan?
Why aren't you eating?
I can't eat.
I've got no appetite.
I need some salt.
(female voice)
I'm a teacher.
Bloody hell.
What's the matter?
I don't believe
what I've just seen.
If I tell you,
promise me you're not
going to get upset, okay?
Why would I get upset?
Laura's here.
Laura?
As in... my Laura?
Yeah.
Where is she?
She's over there
behind that pillar.
H i!
I was wondering
if Sam Harvey's back, yet?
I left a message
earlier. It's Dylan.
Tell him I'll call again.
(man over the phone)
I've got your number
right here. 7247, right?
No.
No, it's not 7247.
It's 7267.
Why do you think
I've got it wrong?
'Cause it's my number.
I think I know
my own number.
Right here
it says 7247.
What do you think?
That I gave you
the wrong number
or you wrote it down wrong?
Before I started business,
I used to live
with this geezer,
and he thought it was
gonna get bad. I said,
"Go on your own, then."
He goes on his own,
and the next thing I know
is he falls off the roof.
What was all that about?
He ends up in hospital.
He can't work.
It's definitely her.
Definitely Laura.
Who's the bell-end
she's with?
Bet they're over there
having the time of their life
while I'm suffering in torment.
He is well built.
Hey.
You okay?
What's wrong with me?
Why do I feel like if I
don't get my novel published
my life won't be
worth living?
Dylan, it was only
your first attempt.
A lot of writers wait years
before they get published.
My uncle wrote his whole life.
Didn't get published
until he was 81.
That's good to know.
Thank you.
Sorry.
How're you doing?
Terrible.
I feel like someone took
my brain out of my head
and kicked it
around for a while
and stuck it back in.
Charlie is still waiting
to talk to you.
He can wait all year.
The guy looks
absolutely wrecked, Rachel.
Good!
Don't you think
you should have a little
conversation with him?
He's looking
like a homeless person.
Dylan, you're not
gonna make feel guilty.
[Clears throat]
We'd better get back
to work.
Oh, I'm so hungry
I could eat
an entire animal.
Do you know
what I mean?
Not those little
vegetarian meals you get
at some of these places.
You're not one of those,
are you?
One of what?
Vegetarian.
Actually, I, I am
one of those.
Yeah.
Thats' fair enough.
It happens I've met several
and they seem like
perfectly normal people.
Why shouldn't they be?
Exactly.
I'm not saying
I understand them,
but each to their own.
That's what I say.
God knows I've got
some pretty warped
ideas meself.
What's warped about
being a vegetarian?
Nothing.
I'm just saying.
That it's warped
not wanting some animals
to suffer for no good reason?
Going to get all militant?
I'm just stating
an opinion.
And there's nothing wrong
with a woman having
her own opinions.
What does that mean?
There's nothing wrong
with it.
Of course there's
nothing wrong
with it.
Exactly!
What you really
want to do is
make her jealous.
How the hell
am I gonna do that?
Easy.
If you got together
with that porn actress,
I bet that
would make her jealous.
Have you ever suffered
a serious head injury?
Forget it I
I'm not going to lie
to the police.
No! Do you have any idea
what Angela'd do to me
if she finds out?
Jesus! That woman
rules your life!
That is not the point.
So, what do you
expect me to do?
I don't know.
You'll have to go
back to them
and tell them
you made a mistake.
Tell them I made a mistake?
They're gonna think
I'm guilty as hell.
You should've thought
about that before you decided
to show your cock
to an under-aged girl.
My God.
You think I did it,
don't you?
Well, wouldn't be
the first time you've strayed
from the path, would it?
How can you compare
that to this?
That is completely irrelevant.
I don't think my Aunt Betsy
would agree with you there.
I was 12 years old!
Besides, I don't know why
you're getting on your moral
high horse about.
When we all know about
your foibles.
Foibles?
What do you mean?
You know exactly
what I'm talking about.
How do you think
Angela would take it
if she found out about that?
Rachel, I need to talk to you.
Give me one minute.
Call the police, Vanessa.
Call the police.
Go on, pick that phone up.
I'll go to prison.
God knows I deserve it.
Rachel.
I fucked up,
I know I did.
But that didn't mean
anything to me.
And I know that
whatever mistakes we've made...
M istake we've made?
Yes!
I don't care
what you did.
I just know that
we can work through this.
I don't wanna break up.
That's it.
Time's up.
Don't be bloody ridiculous.
That wasn't a minute.
Piss off!
Please, Rachel.
I'll make it up.
I promise.
They weren't even
that attractive.
Give me another chance.
(woman)
Go on, Rachel,
he's a good lad.
Give him another chance.
Yeah, don't be tight-assed.
Come on.
Out you go.
Come on.
Are you okay?
Not really.
You're doing
the right thing, Rachel.
Am I?
Look, just in case
you haven't worked it out
for yourself,
basically men are scum.
They can't see
beyond their own dicks,
which in the majority
of cases isn't very far.
The only time they appreciate
what they really had, is when
they'd already fucked it up.
They think women should be
these virginal creatures
that bring up their babies,
and serve them breakfast,
and wipe their noses,
and then suddenly transform
into these sexual objects
for their pleasure.
I like a good fuck
now and then,
but I'm not gonna be
some man's subservient
mother-whore fantasy.
Is this going
anywhere, Vanessa?
I'm just saying
that you're free now
to explore your options,
you know.
This is the 21 st
century, Rachel.
You should be getting
out there shagging around
and having some fun.
That's not really me,
though, is it?
Isn't it?
Rachel, phone call.
Hello?
(woman)
He'll be there in 20 minutes.
Are you gonna be okay?
Sure.
Okay, thanks
for letting me know.
Bye.
Excuse me.
I ordered a green salad
about half an hour ago.
Mate, we've been sitting here
and we haven't ordered yet.
These chips
taste like feet.
If you wanted
to keep it a secret,
you did do a very good job
by leaving the condom wrapper
on the floor.
What in the bloody hell
are you two doing?
Am I literally the only
person doing any work?
What's going on?
There's chaos.
People are walking out.
Nobody's making any food.
All right.
Let's get things
back in order.
Vanessa, Dylan, you keep
the customers happy till
Tom and I sort this out.
All right,
let's get to work.
You do know this is
blackmail, don't you?
I wouldn't call it that.
It doesn't matter
what you call it.
But you don't seem to be
appreciating how fucked I'll
be if this thing comes out.
This is not the way
to deal with things.
You leave me no choice.
Don't be such a child!
You leave me no choice.
You leave me no choice!
I swear, if you say that again,
I will stab you in the head
with this knife.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Do you want anything
from the menu now?
No, thank you.
If you could just give us
a couple more minutes,
it would be lovely.
Thanks.
Hello, boys!
So, what's been going on?
Are they gonna take
our order in here or what?
Look, I'm sorry.
I just don't think
it's gonna work out.
What?
There's just no
possibility of anything.
Why? I mean,
what's wrong?
Well, it's just everything.
The whole package.
To be honest,
I don't know what Sean
was thinking
of getting us together
in the first place.
I think I'm just gonna go.
No, no, no.
It's okay.
I'll go. I mean,
this place isn't really
my cup of tea, anyway.
I guess I'll...
see you then.
Yeah, see you.
So, John, did David
fill you in on all the wedding
details and everything?
Yeah, pretty much.
Did you hear about these
bloody flower people?
M m-hm.
Okay.
What the fuck's
going on here?
What do you mean?
Why are you two acting
like a couple
of dumb animals?
We've just been
sitting here talking.
About what?
I've got some legal
stuff to deal with.
What kind of legal stuff?
It's nothing
to worry about.
I'm a lawyer, too, John.
Do you think I can't offer
anything to the situation?
No, of course not.
But David has agreed
to help me out.
I haven't agreed
to anything.
Don't you think you should,
given the circumstances?
What circumstances?
Right, that's it.
David, I want to know
what's going on,
and I want to know now.
I've got something
that I need to tell you.
Don't be a fool,
David.
What is it?
It's something that
I should've told you
a long time ago,
and I am so sorry
that I haven't.
For God sake,
just spit it out.
I sometimes wear your clothes
when you're out of the house.
What?
Actually he only wears
your underwear.
(female voice)
Excuse me.
This tea is cold.
I did bring you that tea
about 20 minutes ago.
It was cold
when you brought it.
That's ridiculous.
Are you arguing with me?
You know what?
Why don't I just bring you
a new one?
Is this some kind
of sick joke?
No.
Are you gay?
No, I'm not gay.
Then what the fuck
is this?
He's a transvestite.
Will you shut up?
Don't you think
you've done enough?
You can't blame me
for this.
I kept that
secret for years.
I never told her.
You've known
about this for years,
and you never told me?
It's not my place.
So, what is this?
Some weird, perverted
fantasy game you play
where you both dress up
in my clothes and dance
around the house?
Hang on a minute.
I've got nothing
to do with him.
That's right.
John prefers wanking off
in front of girls.
That is a vicious lie.
What are you
talking about?
John hangs around and waits
for little girls and then
he gets his cock out.
It's not true.
My cock was already out
and the girl came along.
Shut up,
both of you!
Let me just get this
clear, David.
Basically, since we've
been living together,
you've been waiting for me
to go out so you can sneak
through my drawers
and prance around
in my bra and knickers?
I don't prance around at all.
I just put the stuff on.
There's no prancing involved.
So, what do you do?
J ust sit around
in my clothes?
I just watch the telly
or do the ironing
or the vacuuming.
Vacuuming?
And you,
you need special help.
You do know that, don't you?
Look, don't you think
you should be a little
more focused on him?
He's the one
you're about to marry.
Angela?
Don't you think
you should've told me this
before we got engaged?
What the hell
are my parents gonna say?
Oh, you don't have
to tell your parents.
What is this thing?
No, it's nothing.
It's nothing.
What the...
Oh, you sick bastards.
Angela, please, calm down.
Let's not blow this
out of proportion.
Got the wedding
in a week.
Angela!
Angel...
Would you like
to order something
from the menu?
Look, will you just
please fuck off?
What's the matter
with you?
[Voice cracking]
I asked a customer
what he wanted from the menu
and he told me to fuck off.
I've had enough.
I'm going home.
You can't go home.
I'm sorry.
I can't handle it anymore.
You have to stay.
Nobody else is doing any work.
I'm lumbered with everything
in my head.
You can sack me
if you like. I don't care.
I need you here!
You'll manage.
You don't understand.
I didn't wanna
tell you this.
I'm in line for a job.
The Marion.
And the owner's
coming here today
to check this place out.
You're leaving?
This job would be
huge for me, Tom.
And I'm so close.
I can't stay here forever.
When's he coming?
Any minute now.
Thank you, Tom.
I'm gonna go an check
if he hasn't arrived, yet.
[Whispering]
That's okay.
You know, I was never
really sure about you
and Angela, anyway.
Making it in the long run
with a marriage and everything.
But look
on the bright side.
Sure there are plenty
of women out that are
into that sort of thing.
Hello, again.
Oh, hello.
Look, I know we
didn't really hit off
all that well.
We both know
why we came here today,
don't we, eh?
Do we?
I'm a man,
and you're a woman.
And I reckon you probably get
a bit lonely at night,
don't you?
You must be, what?
Thirty? Still single?
I'm 27.
Exactly. Well,
near enough, anyway.
What I'm trying to say
is, uh, if you want to,
we could just go back
to my place and...
My God,
you're serious.
What's the worst
that can happen, eh?
I mean, you have a bit
of a crap shag.
You go home,
take a shower.
I n a day or two
you would've forgot
all about it.
But then again,
you just might enjoy it.
I've never had
any complaints.
So, uh,
what do you think, then?
Thanks and everything.
Sounds like
a great opportunity,
but I think
I'm gonna give it a miss.
Really?
I mean, are you sure?
Yeah.
Fair enough, then.
I mean...
Bye.
Okay.
M ike, Laura's getting up.
Didn't even notice me.
That's how insignificant
I am to her now.
Quickly, while she's gone.
Porn girl. Go.
She's just broken up
with her boyfriend!
Exactly, mate.
She's single.
Plus, she's feeling
vulnerable, alone.
Her self-esteem
is at a low ebb.
I've never seen
anything so perfect.
I'm more likely to stab myself
in the eye with this fork
than go over there.
You want Laura to come
back and see you sitting here
like some sort of tern
while she's out
on a hot date?
Yeah, but think about it.
What if she saw you with that?
She wouldn't think
you're so insignificant,
would she?
No.
[Angela retching]
Are you okay?
[Coughs]
Yeah, great.
[Flushes toilet]
Is there anything
I can do?
Well, I just found out that
mi fianc likes to dress up
in my bra and knickers.
What do you suggest?
Oh, no, here she goes,
mate. That's that.
She's looking around
for the waiter.
She's about to leave.
You've got to go now.
Do it I
I will.
Good man.
Go on, then.
Come on, M ichael,
you can do this.
[Clears throat]
Hello.
Hello.
What are you reading?
That's a good book.
Anna Kara...
Karenina.
Have you read it?
No.
I just... me mates,
they all said
it's a good read.
Do you mind if I sit down
just for a sec?
Go on.
I just want to sit
to apologize
for what happened earlier.
Your friend's an idiot.
What sort of a person
does that?
He's not my friend.
I feel sorry for him.
[Whispers]
He's got
learning difficulties.
It's sad, but true.
I'm M ike.
I'm Gloria.
You cunt.
You evil cunt!
Pervert!
This man is a deviant.
He gets sexual satisfaction
out of dressing up as a baby
and getting spanked I
Whoa, whoa!
I think you've made
a mistake.
Okay, okay.
What the hell...
What the hell
is going on here?
My husband.
He's a sick man.
He dresses up in a nappy
and pleads with me
to spank him.
He needs to be locked up.
I can assure you
that I've never seen this woman
before in my entire life.
You know, look at her.
She is obviously a nutser.
Surely, could you sit down?
And we can all talk about this
over a cup of tea.
[Shouting]
No, you don't understand!
This man is a pervert!
He needs to be locked upl
He's sick.
He's a sick man I
You're crazy.
I'm gonna go
get your granddaughter.
Stay.
What's going on?
Vanessa's grandmother
tried to take out
one of our customers.
Where is she?
We put her outside.
Outside? You can't
just put her outside.
Excuse me.
Hi, everyone.
I'm the manager here
and I'd like to apologize
for the unfortunate incident
that just took place,
and offer you all
coffee on the house.
Grandmal
You have to believe me.
That woman
is a complete maniac.
I don't know
what she's talking about.
I mean, I've never
even been spanked.
You know,
I certainly wouldn't...
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It was an accident.
I can...
I can help you with this.
You might have to open
your legs a little bit.
What the hell
is going on?
He's some kind of pervert.
H is wife was saying.
Someone should call
the police.
She's not my wife,
for crying out loud.
She was insane!
Couldn't you see that?
What the hell are you doing
with my girlfriend?
I was just...
I was dabbing.
Right.
You little fuck,
outside, now.
Mark, just leave it.
You heard me.
Outside, now I
No, no.
You don't understand.
You don't understand,
pussy!
You and me
are going outside.
You can either walk out,
or I can drag you out
by your hair.
I've got cancer.
What?
I've got cancer.
So, you know,
back off.
[Clears throat]
He says he does the ironing.
Can you believe that?
He puts on my underwear
and does housework.
What am I supposed
to make of that?
Well, that doesn't
sound so bad.
At least he's clean.
Yeah, brilliant.
My ex-fianc
is a filthy
disgusting slob.
I'd have been happy for him
to wear gimp outfit
if he'd do the washing up
once and a while.
Really?
Why is he your ex?
He couldn't handle
the whole commitment thing.
Thanks.
We got engaged
because I practically
forced him into it.
He used to wake up
in the middle of the night
having palpitations
and nightmares
about castration.
Eventually, we accepted
he just wasn't up to it.
The thing is,
I was always trying
to change him.
I guess I was trying
to mold him into what
I wanted him to be,
instead of just accepting
him for who he was.
Now I'm back to being
alone, having to go
on blind dates with idiots.
I don't believe
you told him
you have cancer.
Where were you?
The guy was about
to rip my head off.
What was I
supposed to do?
To tell him you have cancer,
that's just sick.
Do you think
I've cursed myself?
Fucking freak.
I should sort him out now.
Oh, just leave it,
Mark.
Come on,
let's get out of here.
I'm not coming.
Don't start this shit now.
I mean it.
I am not coming.
I'm fed up
of this macho bullshit.
The possessiveness,
the jealousy, the paranoia.
What are you talking about?
You've got a lot
of growing up to do.
The fit ones
are always bastards,
aren't they?
Yeah.
They're just not worth it.
Hi.
Is Sam Harvey back?
(man over the phone)
Yes, he is.
He's there.
Okay, thanks.
He's there.
Fuck.
(Sam)
Hello?
Hey, Sam!
It's Dylan.
How are you doing?
Great. So?
Yeah, I spoke
to the publishers.
What did they think?
Well, they said they, uh...
Well, basically
they didn't get it.
Didn't get it?
Apparently not.
What do you mean
they didn't get it?
Are they retarded?
They said there
wasn't enough action.
Not enough action?
Sam, did you tell them
this is an existential novel?
It's not supposed
to have action!
They didn't care.
You know, Sam,
do me a favor, okay?
Call them back and tell them
I am going to get
my novel published.
And furthermore, when people
are calling me The Voice
of the Next Generation
and they come crawling back,
begging me on their hands
and knees
to publish my next novel,
I'll tell them they can kiss
my action-less assl
Calm down, dude.
I've got another call.
I'm gonna have to run.
Will you call me back?
Okay, bye.
They didn't get it.
They didn't get it.
I'm so sorry,
Dylan.
U h, what's going on?
How can you two
be standing there?
Perhaps someone
would actually like
to be cooking.
We do have customers
that need to be fed.
Dylan just got
some bad news.
They're not gonna
publish his book.
I see. It turns out
you know better than
the rest of us after all.
Jesus, Tom!
A bit of sensitivity.
What? He's been
strutting around
for the past six weeks
like he's some sort
of prima donna.
Why don't you shut
your face?
Maybe you wanna shut it
for me.
Maybe I will.
Whoa, whoa.
This is all very exciting,
be we still got a cafe to run
and a round of free coffees
to deliver.
Come on.
Fine. Here're
your new orders.
You can add them to the backlog
and to the new customers
coming in for lunch.
Shall I get Charlie?
Do you want to do
some cooking?
Yes, please.
Come on.
H i.
Tom said you might need
some help.
It doesn't mean
I want anything
to do with you.
Bloody hell.
Jesus Christ!
Let's get going.
Don't we get any cake?
Can't have coffee
without cake!
The coffee is free.
If you want cake,
order cake.
I think if they're going
to give us coffee,
they ought to give us cake.
Who has coffee
without cake?
I don't know.
Skinny people!
Look, no one ever said
anything about free cake.
The coffee is free.
If you need cake,
then you can fucking
order some cake!
If you don't like it,
you know what you can do.
I demand to speak
to the manager.
N ice one, Dylan.
Fuck you!
What are you doing in here?
Actually, Rachel asked me
to come in, Vanessa.
Two more Greek salads.
That shouldn't be a problem
for you, Charlie.
You can do both
at the same time.
H i. I'd like to report
a missing old lady.
Yeah, I'll hold.
Charlie, did you ever
find out who that condom
belonged to?
Yeah, I did, Tom.
Really?
It was Rachel and Dylan.
Was it?
Come on.
There you go.
Hey, man!
That was quite a display
you put out over there, man.
I just found out my novel
is not gonna get published.
Hey, man,
you mind if I play
a song, man?
Pass the hat?
Is that cool?
Knock yourself out.
Excuse me.
Not now.
(whiny customer)
It's ridiculous.
First I get a chicken salad
that doesn't even look
like a chicken salad.
Then they try
to serve us coffee
without any cake.
H i. Yeah, Id' like to report
a missing person.
Yes. M m-hm.
Yes.
(Rachel)
Yes. Yesl
Oh, yesl
Yes, Dylan, yesl
I never knew sex could be
so incredible.
Thank you.
What are we gonna do
about Charlie?
Who cares?
[Both laugh]
To Charlie.
[Laughing continues]
(Vanessa)
Charlie, what the hell
are you doing?
Rachel!
M r. Davies!
How are you?
Welcome.
Rachel!
Sorry.
Please, darling,
tell me it's not true.
Did you fuck Dylan?!
Did you?!
What the hell are you talking?
Get back to the kitchen.
Everybody, listen up.
This woman right here
is the most loving,
most generous, most wonderful
person in the whole wide
bloody word,
and until
very recently,
I don't now why,
but she was my girlfriend,
and I screwed up, Rach.
I royally fucking
screwed up! I'd never
had a threesome before
or anything like that.
But they were twins!
What was I supposed to do?
Bloody hell, Rach.
I've embarrassed myself
in front of all these people.
I don't know what to do.
Do you want me
to get on my knees?
I'll get on my knees.
I'm getting
on my bloody knees.
Please, Rachel.
That's it, get up.
Get back to the kitchen.
We'll talk about this later.
I don't want.
Excuse me.
Sorry to interrupt.
But under the circumstances
I thought it'd be a good idea
to sing a little song.
This is for all of you
lonely motherfuckers out there.
# I don't believe in Heaven #
# I don't believe in God #
# My parents are dead #
# I got no friends #
# I don't even have a dog #
M r. Davies, why don't we get
a coffee in my office?
And we can have a chat,
and I can show you...
# There once was a time
I had a love #
# But I threw it all away #
# Now I sit here
All alone #
# J ust wasting away #
# Like a rotting corpse #
I guess the thing is
I just always thought
I'd find a man
who was sweet,
and kind, and clever,
and hardworking,
and happy in men's clothes.
To be honest with you,
sounds to me like the worst
thing your fianc does
is wear your underwear
and do the housework.
You're doing
pretty bloody well.
# When all is said and done #
# A six by two-foot box
To rot inside #
# Being eaten over decades
By maggots and worms #
# I just want
To kill myself #
# p ut a bullet in my eye #
# I just wanna kill myself #
# I just want to die #
# I just want to die #
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Right.
Three rules.
N umber one.
I'm wearing
the wedding dress.
N umber two.
We're buying you
your own set of underwear.
I'm not having you
stretching out
all my knickers.
And number three.
If any one ever finds out
about this,
I'll kill you both.
Come along, David.
So, you're gonna get back to me
about the whole
alibi thing then?
Damn!
Tom, that guy in the suit,
who was that?
That is the owner
of the Marion.
The Marion?
He's come to see Rachel
about a job there.
Oh, shit.
I made a mistake
breaking up with Laura.
You'd rather got married
and never shag a bird again
the rest of your life?
I'm not shagging anyone.
There is potential there.
It's not good enough.
I'm sick of acting like
an overgrown teenager.
I'm sick of you
telling me what to do
all the time,
like you've got
all the bloody answers.
You've never
had a girlfriend.
Easy, mate,
that's not true.
Maybe not, but all you do
is smoking gear.
Are you listening to me?
Oh, my fucking Lord!
[Gunshot]
Right.
Nobody move!
Do you...
Excuse me for a moment.
Come on, pigeon hat.
I'm taking you home
to deal with your problem.
I'm going to cure you I
Come on, up you get.
Grandma.
What are you doing?
P ut the gun down.
[Bang]
Oh, bugger! Come on.
I've told you once!
What have you done
to my grandmother?
Sorry, mate.
You don't mind if I,
uh, tch, tch.
Grandma.
Grandma, wake up.
Should we call
the police?
She just blasted a hole
in a bloody fucking wall I
All right, everyone,
let's calm down.
Hello, sir.
My name is Charlie.
I'm the chef here.
What's going on?
Nothing.
It's just an old lady
firing off a shotgun.
I would love
to apologize for my, uh,
for my outburst earlier.
Hello?
Can you hear me?
You feeling okay?
Could I get a cup of tea?
It's not just the business.
You know, she is so fantastic
with people.
And the staff,
she treats them
like her own family.
And the customers,
oh, my God,
love her.
That's why they keep on
coming back for more.
I honestly truly think
that, uh,
that she'll be
the best person
for this job.
If you're all so fond of her,
why do you want me to give her
a job and take her away?
To be honest with you,
the last thing I want
in the whole wide world
is for Rachel to leave.
But I know that she's always
wanted to work at The Marion,
you know.
And, uh, and me,
being as I am,
completely and utterly
in love with her,
I guess I just want her
to be happy.
H i.
That was just a little
old lady with a shotgun.
No harm done.
So, how're we doing here?
Good.
Good bye.
I nteresting staff.
Sorry about that.
Danny.
I have to tell you
something.
What?
When she fired the gun,
I shat my pants.
Well, mate, so did I!
That shocking behavior...
No, no.
I mean I actually
shat my pants.
You did what?
[Whispering]
Shat my pants.
I've shat in my pants.
[Whispering]
Danny, I'm full of shit
inside me pants.
You did, didn't you?
Fucking hell.
All right, yeah.
Let's, uh...
We'll get you to the toilet.
Get you cleaned up.
No toilets.
J ust take me home.
Take me home, please.
And I'll deal
with it there.
So, up on three then.
On three.
One.
On three or after three?
Make me stand on three.
One.
Two. Three.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
You've forgotten
your dead rat.
Thank you.
Do you know what?
I'm not gay.
I just wanted to...
Great.
Mike?
Laura?
Hey!
What are you doing here?
What the hell is going on?
J ust some crazy old woman
trying to take me
as hostage.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Now I'm done, eh?
Bit of a crick
in the neck, though.
Can you just...
Thank you.
It's funny
meeting you here,
actually, 'cause...
well, I've, uh,
I've been thinking
about you a lot.
And I was just,
you know, I was thinking
that we still have stuff
to say to each other, right?
What's that terrible smell?
I don't know.
I should get moving.
But, um, I'll call you,
and we could go
for a coffee or a tea.
Whatever you fancy.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'd like that.
Me, too.
I'll, uh...
Oh, what do you do?
I don't know!
Okay. All right.
Bye, then.
Right.
That's enough.
Let's go.
I don't believe you told her
you'd call. If you hadn't
shat your pants,
I 'd give you such
a go at you right now.
Well, I have.
So shut the fuck up.
God! I can't believe you
would whack an old woman
over the head.
What is wrong with you?
She was holding
a loaded shotgun!
You're lucky
she didn't kill anybody.
You shut up.
I can't take
you two bickering.
The backlog of orders,
and Rachel is in the office
having an interview
for another job.
What do you mean
she's having an interview?
Thanks for stepping by.
Well, it's been my pleasure.
Good bye.
Hey.
How did it go?
He said that the fact
that I kept this place going
considering the misfits
I had to deal with,
was almost unbelievable.
He offered me the job.
I don't know
what to do.
You should take it.
Did you get the job?
And?
I'm gonna take it.
That's great I
Congratulations.
Tom.
I'm sorry.
I just can't believe
you're leaving.
You know I couldn't have gone
through today without you,
don't you?
And actually, I was wondering
if you'd take over this place
as manager.
Oh, God, Rachel.
I'd love to.
Well, you turned out
to be quite the hero today.
Didn't know
you had it in you.
Neither did I.
At least one of us
is getting out of here.
You're gonna make it
one day, Dylan.
I've no doubt in my mind.
You got to keep working
your ass off.
I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
For what it's worth,
I think you should
forgive him.
Really?
Life's confusing, Rachel.
None of us really know
what we're doing.
Especially him.
But he loves you.
You shouldn't take that
for granted.
That was nice.
What you said
to M r. Davies.
I meant it.
Charlie!
I know I fucked up,
didn't I?
Yeah.
J ust so you know,
by the way, I don't
blame you or Dylan.
You must've been
really angry and...
a difficult proposition
to resist.
What are you
talking about?
The condom wrapper.
Charlie, I didn't
have sex with Dylan.
What do you think I am?
What?
Who's was it, then?
I don't know. You're
the one with the rampant
sexual appetite.
So, was it worth it?
The threesome?
Nothing, nothing
was worth risking
what I have with you,
because you are
everything to me.
And to think
that I fucked that up
because of some dirty
cheap thrill
makes me feel
like the biggest twat
on the planet.
You are what you are.
I know.
J ust give me
one thing, darling.
J ust tell me this
is not definitely over.
I'm not asking
to move back in.
But please tell me
that it's definitely
not the end.
[Whispers]
Hey.
[Whispers]
'Cause I love you.
I'll think about it.
[Whispers]
Fine.
I've got to get back.
So, it actually happened
with you and Rachel.
What are you
talking about?
Everyone keeps saying,
"Dylan and Rachel."
I just wanna know
if there's something
going on.
Are you the most irritating
person in the world?
It was us, you idiot.
The condom was ours.
I know.
I just...
thought there might have been
some truth to it.
Well, there wasn't, okay?
Sorry.
I'm used to it.
All right.
I'm off to take Granny
back to the home.
Make sure you bring her
back again soon.
She's an angel.
Yeah, yeah.
Very funny.
See you tomorrow.
See you.
God, what a day.
I can't believe
I'm gonna be the new boss.
Well, just remember
who's the boss
in the bedroom.
[Smack]
Thank you for a lovely
afternoon, dear.
Of course.
(whole cast)
# After you've gone
And left me crying #
# After you've gone,
There's no denying #
# You'll feel blue,
You're gonna be sad #
# You've missed the bestest pal
You ever had #
# There'll come a time,
Now, don't forget it #
# There'll come a time,
That you'll regret it #
# Someday you'll know
What you're doing #
# You know my love for you
Will drive me to ruin #
# After you've gone #
# Go away #
# After you've gone away #
# Away #
# Away #
# Away #