Camp (2003) Movie Script

To all the critics
out there,
I know they're going
to review this,
and I know they're
gonna try to knock me...
is it okay if I say this
to camera, Amber? Okay.
I only am who I am
'cause I was born that way.
I have a gift,
and I'm trying not to be
selfish about it, but to use it.
If you're gonna knock me for
that, that's your problem.
will get you nowhere.
And I'm gonna
keep rockin' on.
Ellen, what's
the matter with you?
Don't tell mom I'm taking you
to your stupid junior prom.
Get out of here!
Your brother!
How gross is that?
They don't know
you're my brother.
They don't know
you're my brother.
Please, Ben.
You have to. I'll pay you.
Find someone
who's not related to you.
What are you doing here?
Aren't you, like, 30?
Come on!
Excuse me,
is there someplace
we're supposed to check in?
Over there.
Is this your first summer?
I was here last year.
Remember? We were in
'night, mother together.
Remember? We were in
'night, mother together.
You're Jill Simmons.
My name's Fritzi.
Fritzi. Of course.
Let me.
You have the number
at the ship.
Call me
whenever you need me.
This is Glen,
the camp director.
Go to him
if you have a problem.
Go to him
if you have a problem.
That's enough, mom.
You're embarrassing me.
We'll take
very good care of him.
Give me a hug.
I can't breathe!
My role model
in everything nubian.
What are you doing here?
I thought you had to go to weight
watchers camp this summer.
We wanted her to,
but she insisted on
going back to camp ovation.
So we compromised
and had her jaw wired shut.
You can hardly tell.
Buddy Miller,
sports counselor.
We have a sports counselor?
Of course we do.
You gonna play
some softball this summer?
Aah! Michael!
How you doin', babe?
Why weren't you on the bus?
My sister drove me here.
I'm staying with her.
My god, your face.
He tried to go to his junior
prom in fishnets and heels.
My junior prom,
I stayed home with a roll of
cookie dough and TV land.
I stayed home with a roll of
cookie dough and TV land.
I watched my junior prom
from outside in the bushes
for three hours.
That's so Stella Dallas.
Is Bert Hanley really
directing here this summer?
Bert Hanley?
I thought he retired.
- I thought he died.
- He might have.
He was supposed to
be here two days ago.
How does that happen?
He used to be huge.
He hasn't had a hit
since children's crusade.
He never
wrote another show.
I hope he directs
the benefit this summer.
What are you singing for
auditions for the first show?
- Don't rain on my parade.
- That's original.
With the tugboat.
What is that
supposed to be?
How you doing?
My name's Vlad.
Okay if I
use those drawers?
You can go into
anybody's drawers you like.
I don't think
you'll get an argument.
Just ignore him.
That's what he's used to.
I'm Ellen, this is Shaun
and Spitzer and Michael.
Thirty-foot rule.
- No way!
- What's that?
Michael has to stay
30 feet away
until we know
if he's straight or gay.
If he's gay,
I'm Tyne Daly.
Honey, it's just...
Could someone
please shut her up?
A boy.
An honest-to-god
straight boy.
Cast lists are up.
I will go insane if I don't
get into promises, promises.
I'm in it!
Midnight sun?
Two thousand sunsets,
yet not one sunrise.
No, no, no, no!
God damn you all!
You piss on the memory
of the greatest playwright
of the 20th century!
In Cuba, we took our lives in
our hands performing her work,
waiting for Castro's thugs
to burst in and arrest us!
I don't understand
what I'm saying.
Of course you don't,
you middle-class piece of shit!
Of course you don't,
you middle-class piece of shit!
I'm doing the best I can.
That's what's so tragic.
Leave her alone.
How about you, then?
Have you had even
one painful moment in your life
since the doctor slapped you
on your ass when you were born?
Tell me, then.
Tell me
your most painful moment,
the one that makes you convulse
with sobs when you think of it.
Why would I do that
in front of three strangers?
Why would I do that
in front of three strangers?
To be able to do it
in front of 3,000.
Back to the top,
and try not to screw up
the blocking this time.
Eyes, eyes, nostrils,
silent scream.
I have to
go to the bathroom.
Piss in the dumpster.
Start again!
How was your first day
of rehearsal?
It was okay.
I'm a little
out of my element.
We really do a new show
every two weeks?
And a benefit
at the end of the summer.
Ellen said
you were her hero today
with that crazy director.
Can I ask you
something personal?
What made you come here?
I want to act. Why?
I want to act. Why?
We just don't
get many like you.
Can I ask you
something personal?
You're gay, right?
How do you know?
Have you ever experimented
with heterosexuality?
You mean sleep
with a straight guy? What for?
A girl.
A girl.
I can't even
straighten my hair.
That's too bad.
You'd be a total playa.
Got that whole
Latin thing going.
Get a girl alone,
throw on some salsa,
whisper a little Spanish
in her ear.
You'd make out like a bandit.
I'll keep that in mind.
Is that your father?
That's Stephen Sondheim.
The greatest songwriter
in musical theater.
I don't talk to my parents.
- Why not?
- Enough.
I have to keep
some kind of mystery.
You'll grow bored with me
and move on to someone younger.
- Good night, Mike.
- 'Night, Vlad.
- Good night, Mike.
- 'Night, Vlad.
Did he call me Mike?
Can I help you?
I'm not sure
where I'm supposed to go.
- I'm Bert Hanley.
- Bert Hanley? It's about time.
Where have you been?
You were supposed to
be here two days ago.
You're right.
What's the use in lying?
I've been drinking
for 72 hours.
You've been drinking?
Not the way you make it sound
when you say, "drinking?!"
Not the way you make it sound
when you say, "drinking?!"
I'm fine now, really.
Let's get started.
I'll get those.
I assumed that we would have
some adult time to ourselves.
What show
am I doing, anyway?
My name's Vlad.
I don't mean
to bother you or anything.
I just wanted to tell you how
excited I am that you're here.
I just wanted to tell you how
excited I am that you're here.
I did a production
of the children's crusade
at school this spring.
And, uh...
At first I did it just to
get close to this girl.
But then it was so good.
It really took the characters
of the kids so seriously.
That's really kind of you
to say.
That song I sing for you,
I listened to the record,
like, a hundred times
I listened to the record,
like, a hundred times
just to get the chords right
on my guitar.
It's not out on cd.
Did you know that?
Yeah, I knew that.
So, what shows have you done
since then, Mr. Hanley?
Thank you very much
for coming by to visit, Vlad.
Thank you.
Just give me a break.
You little ass-kisser.
One, two,
three, four.
Quit dragging!
Y'all better get your asses
used to less sleep
'cause we're gonna have
rehearsal all morning.
Then lunch,
then rehearsal.
Then dinner,
then rehearsal.
And the whole thing starts
all over again the next day.
Miss Allen, we've all seen
the beginning of fame.
Fame, huh?
They do that on fame?
One, two, three, four.
'Night, Jenna.
'Night, Ellen.
Shut up! Start again!
Eyes, eyes, nostrils!
Silent scream!
Eyes, eyes, nostrils!
Silent scream!
You're really talented.
I don't understand
a single word of this crap,
but you do it
with such conviction.
A guy like you could have
a really lucky summer
in a place like this, huh?
I'm starting to
get that idea.
Hey, look. First star.
I know my wish.
Changing the subject.
Do you have
any brothers or sisters?
Four brothers...
Two older, two younger.
Four brothers...
Two older, two younger.
Must be tough when the middle
child is the special one.
Throws everything
out of whack.
Special? Yeah.
I don't even remember
the last time
my parents called me
by the right name.
You don't think
you're special?
I mean, seriously.
I don't mean like dorky
boy-band kind of special,
I don't mean like dorky
boy-band kind of special,
which I'm sure
you get all the time, but...
There's something
really there.
Something substantial.
And you deserve something
substantial in return.
God. Somebody hit me
with a rock so I shut up.
Made me feel great.
It's cold.
Come here.
That worked.
It's 10 A.M.
everybody should be in class.
Here we are.
Be it ever so humble...
What's up, Fritzi?
Would you like Fritzi
to fix you a bug juice
or something?
Leave us.
Bye, Fritz.
Does she
work for you now?
She likes to do
little things for me.
It makes her feel
like she belongs.
It makes her feel
like she belongs.
I'm supposed to be
running lines with Ellen.
She'll have
the whole summer to do
that brother-sister bonding thing
she does with all the boys.
You said you had
a fantastic surprise for me.
What is it?
What is it?
I'm going to ask if I can
dance with Stella jolla
in the "Turkey lurkey"
I've been practicing
really hard.
That's the part
Jill wants to play.
"Turkey lurkey" is the
best number in the show.
I know.
I took dance classes
all winter.
Good for you.
The only thing is,
it's a '60s show.
That means
tight little miniskirts.
I'm just
trying to be a friend.
What are you saying,
that everyone
would see my legs?
Not that they're so bad.
They're just a little chunky.
But the halter tops.
I'd worry about my rolls
jiggling around
in the spotlight.
Whereas the secretary character
has some great one-liners
and wears sensible suits.
We just love it here.
We see a show
every summer.
What did we
see the kids do last year?
Wit, right.
but really entertaining.
Vlad, your cat's dead.
I'm sorry.
He was hit by a car
this afternoon.
Vlad, your mom's dead.
I'm sorry.
She got nailed
by a car this afternoon.
I like to practice
in the mirror.
Your parents coming
to your show?
Jesus, you still
haven't called 'em?
What are you going to do
when you have to go home?
I'm not going home.
Where you going to live?
I'll find an apartment.
You'll end up
on a milk carton.
They haven't
called me, either.
How much you wanna bet they
don't call me on my birthday?
How much you wanna bet they
don't call me on my birthday?
Then you have to be
bigger than them.
how often are you going
to get cast as Romeo?
I mean it. Call 'em.
Besides, who can resist you
in them tights?
Are you blushing?
You kidding?
I'm doing everything
but bat my eyes.
Call 'em.
Buddy Miller,
sports counselor.
Remember me?
Think fast.
"Dear Mr. Flores,
the school has determined that
"due to your refusal
to wear either a tuxedo
"due to your refusal
to wear either a tuxedo
"or an ankle-length
formal gown,
"you failed
to meet the dress code,
"and therefore
appropriate action was taken
in refusing you entrance
to this year's junior prom."
You didn't get in
because of your hemline?
I've been looking
all over for you.
What are you drinking?
Chicken breast.
Chicken breast.
Don't you think
that's a little extreme?
It's her parents' idea,
the pricks.
It's like
some Nazi experiment.
They're just
looking out for me.
You're only a few pounds
heavier than Ellen.
Tell me something...
Isn't it a pain in the ass
to put on
all that makeup every day?
I don't mind the extra effort so
people have something nice to look at.
I think she looks wonderful.
We know!
Looking good to attract
the opposite sex
has been a basic human impulse
for almost a thousand years.
Has been a basic human impulse
for almost a thousand years.
What about before that?
However old the world is.
You know, maybe if
you'd soften up a little,
you'd land yourself
a boyfriend
and lose that hostile edge
that's so unattractive.
Drop dead.
That's the one.
I'd be happy to help.
You could be my project.
I'll put you on a diet.
I'll style your hair.
I heard about your little
line-learning session.
You got Vlad to put
his arm around you.
That must be like
third base for someone
who's never been touched
by a boy, isn't it?
Who's never been touched
by a boy, isn't it?
Ellen, wait.
Where do you think
you're going?
You know, I think I know
your sister cinderella.
There you are.
You disappeared so fast.
I looked everywhere for you.
Where's your girlfriend?
She's not my girlfriend.
Why'd you come after me?
I don't know.
'Cause you were upset.
She's a bitch.
So was I.
She's a bitch.
So was I.
I like you, Ellen.
I like you, too.
I like you, too.
What is it that
we're listening to, anyway?
I can't
deal with this anymore.
I like regular music, too.
I like joni Mitchell.
I know every album by heart.
They have this great
new thing called drums.
They have this great
new thing called drums.
You're gonna love it.
What's so special
about this?
Sometimes it's nice
not to be special.
Sometimes it's nice to listen
to what everyone else listens to
just to be normal for once.
Dance with me.
Jump off the roof.
Come on, dance with me.
Just kidding.
Just kidding.
Fiddler on the roof?
This is the last straw.
Look at us.
Do we look like
any Jews you know?
You could be sephardic.
You could be sephardic.
Look at those curly things
on petie.
I don't think motel the tailor
used a lot of hair relaxer.
It's color-blind casting.
What do you want me to do?
Porgy and Bess?
Bring in 'da noise?
Why do we have to
play white characters
show after show,
summer after summer?
I don't have enough black kids
to do an all-black show.
I want my little brother
he can be himself
and still get applause.
You know what I'm saying?
Now, what are you
gonna do about it?
For someone with
a name like Vladimir,
you sure are
a clichd American teenager.
If you don't like it,
stop watching.
I'm not.
I'm reading.
Sorry. I'm only human.
Call your parents, Romeo.
Get 'em up here.
I envy you.
You've probably known what you
wanted to do since you were born.
When I was eight years old,
I asked my father
to send me to acting class.
And you know what he said?
"There are five billion people
in this world.
"If only 1/10th of 1%
of them want to be actors,
"that's still
five million people.
"Do you really think you're
prettier than five million people?
You're not even the prettiest
one in your class."
I think you're very pretty.
Why should that make me
want to cry?
I would've asked you
to your prom.
I'm sorry,
did I wake you up?
It's nice
to hear your voice, too.
I miss you too, mom.
Can you guys
come see my show?
New cast lists are up.
I got joanne in company.
You're in it, too.
What are you doing?
What is that?
Is that my underwear?
I was just
washing them out.
We need to talk.
I think we need a little
break from each other.
It's something
I've been meaning
to bring up
for a while now.
This whole thing is beginning
to get a little weird.
I don't understand.
I've done everything
you've asked me to.
I know, and it's
been a great help,
but the time has come
for you to get
some sort of life.
I have a life.
Get another one.
I don't know why
you're saying this.
I can be better.
You're not hearing me.
I can be better.
You're not hearing me.
Test me.
I'll do anything you say.
You're my best friend!
Get away from me, you freak!
From now on,
let's just go about our business
and pretend like we never met.
I'm going out.
Why don't you be gone
when I get back.
You ready
for our big opening night?
You're very intense
back there in the chorus.
Is everything okay?
I'm a little frustrated.
a useless emotion.
If you see something you want,
you just got to go for it.
Easy to say.
It's better to regret
something you have done
it's better to regret
something you have done
than something
you haven't done.
Trust me, I'm the expert.
I've been watching you,
and you are
a scary little girl.
There's nothing you can't do
if you put your mind to it.
Thank you, Mr. Hanley.
You've been very helpful.
Lunch is now being served.
Lunch is now being served.
Everybody should be at lunch.
I'd like to propose a toast.
I'm going to call it off.
I think you'd better.
What in the hell
are you doing here?
I knew you'd be discussing
stopping the show,
and I just thought how
disappointed the kids would be.
You scheming little bitch!
Please! I'm a child.
If you think for one...
Save the speech, rummy.
She's fucked, I'm ready,
and the goddamn show
must go on.
So let's get cracking,
shall we?
Two households,
both alike in dignity
in fair verona,
where we lay our scene.
From ancient grudge
break to new mutiny,
where civil blood
makes civil hands unclean.
Romeo, come forth.
Romeo, come forth.
Come forth,
thou fearful man.
Affliction is enamored
of thy parts
and thou art wedded
to calamity.
Father, 'tis I, Romeo.
What news?
What is the prince's doom?
What sorrow
craves acquaintance...
Tell me, chino...
How many bullets
are left in this gun?
Enough for you?
And you? And you?
How many can I shoot
and still have
one left for me?
Michael, where are you?
Dude, we looked
all over for you.
I heard about what happened.
I called them afterwards...
To make sure they
weren't dead somewhere
on the New York
state thruway.
On the New York
state thruway.
My father decided he couldn't
put himself through seeing me.
What does that even mean?
It means they
think I'm a freak,
like the kids at my school.
Let's face it, even here
I'm in the upper third.
Why don't you live at home?
Why don't you live at home?
Prom night,
my father looked at me
bleeding in a dress.
He told me
I brought it upon myself.
He said that if I did that
when he were in school,
he'd have been one of those
boys kicking my ass, too.
That's crazy.
When it was happening,
I just projected myself
out of it,
and in my head
I went somewhere else.
Why would you wear a dress
to your prom, dude?
You had to know
you were going to
get creamed.
I don't get that.
Of course
you don't get that.
That's because your life
is pretty damn close
to perfect.
Mine is like, one from column
"a," one from column "shit."
How about this?
3, 4, 6, 1,
3, 4, 6, 4, 10,
4, 14, 3, 17, 1, 18,
6, 24, 4, 28, 3, 31, 4.
What's that?
What's that?
Have you ever
heard of ocd?
I count letters
That was
"one from column 'a, '
one from column 'shit.'"
I don't understand.
It's like,
if I don't take my pill,
then every time
someone speaks,
or if I have an idea,
or if somebody talks...
I break it down into words,
then into letters,
and I add them up.
3, 1, 3, 4, 2.
"And I add them up."
3, 1, 3, 4, 2.
"And I add them up."
I take those numbers,
and I add them up backwards.
3, 1, 3, 4, 2
was 6, 3, 9, 1, 10, 3, 13, 4.
The last word
plus the word before that,
plus the word before that,
and on and on...
Till it ends
in a prime number.
It's, like,
constantly in my head.
I take it all back.
That's the sickest thing
I ever heard.
I know.
It's weird 'cause it's,
like, it's just there.
3, 4, 5, 9, 3, 12, 3.
"It's just there."
It's crazy. Oh, my god.
That's why I act.
That's why
I want to be an actor.
'Cause when I'm acting,
it's not there
if it's really going good,
you know?
It's like the character
doesn't have it...
So I don't have it.
A teenage Prozac junkie.
That's my perfect life.
I guess we're both freaks.
You can
take a pill for yours.
I'm still some
teenage drag queen
with bad skin
who can't put on a dress
without getting the crap
beat out of him.
Let's get out of here,
Good morning, campers.
Time to rise and shine.
Today's wake-up song
is a special
birthday dedication
to Michael Flores.
Happy birthday, Michael.
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Oh, my god, look at you!
The only thing
I have to say is,
the hair on my legs
better grow back,
or else
somebody's getting sued.
Drag kings "r" us!
Make a wish.
Right at this moment,
I have everything I want.
Right at this moment,
I have everything I want.
I'll give this wish
to you guys.
Who are you people?
What planet did you
beam down from?
I'm serious.
If I can teach you one thing,
which is supposed
to be my job here...
It'd be that
you should all go home.
It'd be that
you should all go home.
Michael Bennett's dead.
Bob fosse is dead.
Times Square
is a theme park now.
I hate to be the grinch,
but it's not normal
what goes on up here.
has got to warn you.
Teenage fag hags
become adult fag hags.
Straight boys are straight.
You can't turn 'em just
because you need to be loved.
You can't turn 'em just
because you need to be loved.
The foundation
that's being laid here
is not going to help you
in the real world.
It's going to lead to
waitressing jobs
and bitterness
and the obsessive,
pointless collecting
of out-of-print
original cast albums.
Mr. Hanley?
Mr. Hanley?
Look, I don't know what your problem
is, and I don't really care.
Maybe you're
a son of a bitch
just 'cause
you haven't written a show
in, like,
a million years.
Or maybe you're
just a stupid drunk,
but those kids,
they look up to you.
And they don't deserve
to be treated like that.
Did you think I wasn't
talking to you, too?
Or did I
forget to mention that
you're a fraud who has to be
everybody's golden boy,
you're a fraud who has to be
everybody's golden boy,
or you'll just shrivel up?
I've taken shots
at drunks before.
Don't think I have some
honor code about it.
Bring it on.
What is your problem?
I don't have a problem.
There's a theater in Brooklyn
that's got a problem.
Seems they need
a rehearsal pianist,
and they thought I might just be
hard up enough to oblige.
So I sit in hot, stinking
traffic for three hours
just to drive down there
to find out it's not
the 200th revival of
my one hit show they wanted.
The 200th revival of
my one hit show they wanted.
You should never
meet your heroes.
They always disappoint you.
Come on, kid.
Come here. Help me out.
I think I'm
going to be sick.
Oh, Jesus!
Get it away.
You don't even know
what it is.
I don't care.
If it's been touched
by him, it's diseased.
- Oh, my god.
- Spit.
It's everything he's written
since the children's crusade.
It's everything he's written
since the children's crusade.
There's a ton more
at his place.
It's like the holy grail
of musical theater.
This one
doesn't look so good.
Some are lousy,
but most of 'em are great.
It's like they don't even
seem like they're from shows.
They're just songs he wrote.
There's funk, gospel.
There's this awesome,
rootsy Neil young song.
Come on. Neil young?
He doesn't know I took 'em.
They're just copies.
What are you going
to do with them?
What time's that benefit
rehearsal start tomorrow?
12:00 to 3:00.
That's it?
Ever since
Michael's drag party,
Glen's been on a crusade
to make us
more like a normal camp,
so he's cutting back the benefit
rehearsals to three hours a day.
That's enough time.
Time for what?
He'll be late.
He's always late.
Come on.
I ever tell you we did
the children's crusade?
Five summers ago.
It was good.
The kids want to do a revue
of my music for the benefit.
Yeah, I heard.
What'd you tell them?
- I told them yeah.
- Good. I'm glad.
But not on three hours'
rehearsal a day.
You tell me, am I wrong?
Am I doing
such a horrible thing?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I was like you, except I was
feeling sorry for myself,
and I thought these kids
needed a hard dose of reality,
so I gave it to them.
Both barrels.
But I've been watching them,
and I was wrong.
They're a bunch
of little freaks.
The more normal
we try to make them,
the more lonely and isolated
they're gonna feel.
Summer is almost over,
Let's all go out like pros.
What do you say?
Dee, entra.
Dee, entra.
What are you doing here?
I don't speak no Spanish,
so you better habla your ass
some English.
Peter Piper picked a peck
of pickled peppers.
Add that one.
Cut it out, dude.
I'm gonna cure you.
Why are you
in a good mood?
You want to know?
You want to know?
What is that?
No way.
- Who?
- Dee.
You slept with a girl?
You slept with a girl?
You're so full of shit.
I don't believe you.
I mean, why would you?
Maybe I didn't want
a whole lifetime
maybe I didn't want
a whole lifetime
of feeling
the way I have so far.
I'm asking Dee.
- Don't.
- I'm calling your bluff.
Don't be a jerk.
What're you gonna do?
Hi. Ellen's not here.
I know.
What are you doing?
A journal.
Oh, my god!
Michael told me.
That punk!
I'm going to give him
a bitch slap so hard.
This is
the trippiest thing I ever...
This is
the trippiest thing I ever...
All right.
Could he do it, even?
Were his eyes open?
Nothing against you,
it's just...
If you wanna know, he talked
about you most of the time.
Who knows?
I finally tuned him out.
Come on.
Seriously, tell me.
Why are you
so interested, anyway?
What's going on
with you two?
Nothing. Why?
What did he say?
I'm just saying you guys
hang out an awful lot.
So what? I'm straight.
- Straight.
- All right.
you don't believe me?
All I'm saying
is that people talk.
That was stupid.
That was stupid.
It wasn't that stupid.
Do you know
how long it's been
since a guy's liked me
that wasn't gay?
I don't like you.
I mean, I like you,
but that's not
why I did that.
I don't know
why I did that.
It's all right.
You just
slept with Michael.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Then go back
to your boyfriend.
Shut up.
Why don't you
make me?
Come on, wait up!
Leave me alone.
- Wait up!
- Don't follow me!
Oh, baby!
Doesn't she look pretty?
- I missed you so much!
- You look so beautiful.
I don't understand.
How can you spend all summer
with your jaw wired shut
and still look like that?
I'll tell you what,
we'll keep it on
for fall term.
You won't be sneaking milkshakes
with me around the house.
I have to get ready.
I have to get ready.
Oh, my god, it's him.
Stephen Sondheim.
Stephen Sondheim!
They called places already.
You're not even
dressed yet?
How paranoid can you be?
Oh, my god.
Was that your plan?
Did you
put something in there?
I only wish
I'd thought of it.
can you
please pass the base?
Thank you.
This is ridiculous.
If you say one more syllable,
I will shove a powder puff
so far down your windpipe...
Do not underestimate my ass,
because I will knock you flat.
- Girls, why don't we...
- Butt out.
And there's no such thing
as bisexuality, you know.
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
I took the bus.
How are you?
I'm good. How about you?
- Good.
- I give up.
- You give up?
Oh, yeah.
Julie, this is Ellen,
Michael, and Dee.
Listen, is there
somewhere private we can go?
Right now? I have a show.
- I'll see you after, okay?
- Great.
- I'll see you after, okay?
- Great.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I hardly know
where to begin.
Why didn't you tell us
you had a girlfriend?
You didn't ask.
You never asked me
if I had a boyfriend,
but if I did,
I would've said something...
Except you assumed
I wouldn't have a boyfriend.
No sense in asking a question like
that to someone like me, right?
Stop it.
Stop it.
And I was supposed to assume
that you
did have a girlfriend.
And of course
that you screw around.
That's not true.
I'm sorry about Dee.
It's just...
I have no excuse.
It's all my fault.
Maybe you and I
only went out
because I thought
it would make you happy.
I'm sorry.
I knew that.
I knew that all along.
I guess
I just didn't care.
I guess
I just didn't care.
But tell me one thing.
What was going to happen to us
when we got back home?
Jesus Christ!
Oh, god!
You sabotaged my makeup!
You bitch!
I did not. Sit down.
- I can't do it.
- Come on, Jenna.
got multiple fractures,
and Jill's face looks like
40 miles of bad road.
You've got to do it.
I know you're scared.
It's not that.
My parents are here.
It's about time
they met their daughter.
Good job, Bert.
Really terrific.
Thank you. I had no idea
you chaired this benefit.
I'm giving a party
on the 18th.
I'll give you a call.
Great. Love to.
Great. Love to.
Who's that?
Go away.
What are you doing?
I'm going swimming.
Don't! I don't
even want to talk to you!
I want to apologize.
You are either the biggest
closet case I've ever seen,
you are either the biggest
closet case I've ever seen,
or you're just plain evil.
Why? I thought now
that you're straight...
don't get carried away.
I slept with her
'cause of you.
I figured you might
feel less threatened
if you thought I was capable
of sex with a woman.
I don't even know how
to respond to that, dude.
With a straitjacket,
went so good with Dee.
Isn't it just possible
that you're...
The only thing
that's possible now
is that I'll get
beat up once too often
and decide to be with some
woman because I know I can.
It's not exactly something
I wish I knew.
You can't pin that on me.
We can't pin anything on you
'cause you're perfect.
I'm not perfect!
Except for that little
obsessive-compulsive thing.
Even that makes you
kind of sexily damaged.
I hate people like you.
I really do.
Oh, my god.
Water's freezing.
Why are you doing this?
Doing what?
Maybe I do flirt,
but if I do,
it's only because
I want to be liked.
And... Maybe I'm
a little confused.
Y-you're not confused.
You like girls.
You're right. I do.
I was just trying
to give you what you want.
I'm an asshole.
Man, I don't know.
I just love attention.
I'm an attention junkie,
I guess.
I'm an attention junkie,
I guess.
Why do I do shit
like that?
Do you forgive me?
Do you?
Come on!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Do you?
Do you forgive me?
Ha ha ha!
Huh? Do you?
If I forgive you,
will you get off of me?
- Yeah.
- Then no.
- Oh, god.
- Ha ha ha!
who are you with?
Don't hate me.
I made up with him.
Where's Julie?
She broke up with me.
She came here
'cause she wanted
to tell me in person.
Well, well, well.
How's that for a little
opening night present?
How does it feel to be
on the other end, lover boy?
Well, actually...
Never mind.
Well, now that camp's
almost over,
and we live
kind of close to each other,
I was hoping that
we can go out sometime.
I know you're not
asking girlfriend
out for a date
after all this.
If she'll forgive me.
This boy
not only has cojones,
but he's got burritos
and huevos rancheros, too.
- Okay.
- What?
I'll go out with you.
You're like
some Jenny Jones guest!
Eventually I have to start
hanging out with boys
who don't wear dresses.
I thought we came here
to go swimming.
You coming in?
It's pretty cold.
It's pretty cold.
I'll take my chances.
It's not that cold.
don't be a girl.
Leave that to Michael.
You two are like
a bad car wreck.
You two are like
a bad car wreck.
I wash my hands
of the both of you!
Quit splashing!
What a dump.
Hey, where's that from?
"What a dump."
Hey, where's that from?
"What a dump."
How would I know, Martha?
So you went to this camp.
What was that like?
I was consistently miscast...
Titus andronicus,
Stanley Kowalski.
Then there was the year they couldn't
find a girl to cast as Annie,
so I played "Andy."