Camp Wedding (2019) Movie Script

To live a life free of sin,
it is not enough to follow the rules.
The moral and just answers to life's
difficult questions lie within you.
And you'll find ways to ignore them, to
twist them, to serve your selfish desires
but deep down you
know what is correct.
JAMES 4:17, "If you do not do what
you know is right, you have sinned."
You do realize
your venue has a past.
Everything has a past.
No, I mean like a past.
Like little did they know,
200 years ago...
In a relationship? Alexis?
Oh shit, sorry,
I didn't realize
you'd get a notification.
I didn't mean to
upstage your wedding, Mia.
Are you kidding?
Gore, like that post.
Who's the guy?
Totally stalking him.
Hello, Danny Ralston.
You guys are hilarious.
Gore, are you going to
post anything funny for me?
I'm really happy for you.
Sorry, was that super dramatic?
Sometimes I forget how
to interact with real people.
More like #everyoneproblems.
Totally posting that.
Oh shit,
it's grapefruit time, Gore.
Grapefruit time?
It's for the
Bride Boheme Cleanse.
Mmm, it was on
the man of honor checklist.
I must have missed that email.
There were a lot of emails.
Man of honor fail.
Was that it?
Okay, you're not navigating.
I was posting a humorous comment
on Alexis's profile for you.
Oh, okay, right, you're using
the OkCupid app to do that.
- Okay sorry, I went on like four dates yesterday and...
- Four?
it's like sending out resumes.
And no one's gotten back to me.
It's just very surprising.
Camp Pocumtuck.
It was a steal on Airbnb
and we're their first wedding.
You booked a
summer camp on Airbnb?
You can book anything on Airbnb.
"Electronic devices
will not be tolerated."
Is this place Amish?
I think it's so
the kids can experience nature.
"Inter-camper liaisons
will not be tolerated."
"Gum chewing, gambling,
and public nudity
will not be tolerated."
Interesting assortment.
"Drugs and alcohol
will not be tolerated."
Sorry, Camp Putuck, I didn't pump three-days'
worth of breast milk to stay sober.
Well, I for one am gonna have
a serious inter-camper liaison.
- Oh yeah.
- With Dalvaro.
And I expect all of
your electronic devices
to be posting up a
storm to #MiaCampWedding.
Should I add #whatadivadoes?
Oh no, that's just my personal
one. It's for my opera posts.
Are we finally going to get to
hear you sing at the talent show?
Uhm, I haven't worked with
my voice teacher for a while.
Oh, I forgot to
mention that the service
is really kind of sketchy
so posts and texts will work
but phone calls
really won't work.
Text Scott.
Can't do
Jefferson bedtime story.
Wasn't informed there
was no service, ellipses.
It was in
the bridal party email.
Please delete that.
I can't. It's a Polaroid.
Then just burn it and
you won't owe me for the cab.
Oh man.
Mia's Kickstarter video
was badass but it's better IRL.
You should pay for
your wedding yourself.
But it's the
crowdfunding that made it
a Bride Boheme Special Feature.
Mia really nailed
the cross-promotion.
this Mia sounds pretty amazing.
- Whoa, you haven't met Mia?
- Nope.
But I thought you were
the groom's best friend.
Mmm hmm.
Oh shit they're coming!
I got to hide.
- Here first hold my gum.
- Oh.
Oh, oh my gosh.
It's so dilapidated. I love it.
Okay, so we have a
few wedding prep things
and then we can enjoy
the outdoorsy bachelorette fun.
Oh sorry we couldn't do a girls' night
in the city, honey. Our schedules just...
It's okay. This is going
to be way better, you guys.
I didn't want one of those
obnoxious bachelorette parties.
Oh let the
bachelorette-palooza begin.
And hi!
Oh, Eileen, my friend from...
- Community Theater, yeah.
- Community Theater.
- You took forever.
- Oh.
- Oh!
- Oh, thank you so much for including me.
Oh, thank you for
coming all this way.
it's really nice to meet you.
Man of honor.
Oh, you know who I am.
- Yeah.
- I, okay.
And this one's for you.
Thank you.
And the biggest
and the brightest.
Let's get this party started.
I've got your favorite,
Bloody Eight fixings.
- And penis straws.
- Oh my gosh, that sounds really great.
I was just thinking that we were
gonna get some lunch.
And then we have a
brief production meeting
in, you know, 20 minutes.
So, um maybe later.
Babe, your... I bet.
All right, smile, you guys.
It's my first #MiaCampWedding.
- Okay, so good. All right.
- Some info, this is yours.
Here you are.
Here you go.
Take this one, Gore.
Alrighty, so I think
everybody's almost done lunch.
Well, I'm sorry,
I know you said everything
would be gluten free,
but since you don't have
a gluten-free kitchen, I
didn't want to take any chances.
All this is supposed
to be accomplished today?
No, no, just the Friday to do.
Yeah, I'm referring to the Friday to do.
It's really not that much.
I mean, we just have to get the
playhouse ready for the talent show.
And then we need to get
the cabins done for the guests.
Not going to take that long.
And then we're gonna come back here,
we're gonna arrange some
tables, throw up some lights,
and we're going
to have so much fun.
Oh, I almost forgot,
we have butterfly nets
so like if you happen to be
prepping and you find a butterfly,
'cause we're going to have
a butterfly release.
Oh my God.
- Let's do this!
- I get it.
It's a plantation
wedding really.
Guys, this is how weddings work.
I mean, we didn't have to throw her
a shower or a bachelorette party.
And she let us pick out
whatever dress we wanted.
Hmm, as long as it was pink.
Hey, you know she would
be just as ridiculous
- about helping us with our weddings.
- We eloped.
I mean, let's just suck it up
and help make
her dream come true.
Nice pic on Facebook.
I did not approve this vacation.
- Hey, how's it coming?
- Hey.
Okay, so are all
the other cabins done?
Did you split
them up with Paulette?
No. I was just getting
this one wrapped up
and then I was going to go over
to the next one and get going.
- So, none of the other cabins are done.
- No.
Okay, where is Paulette?
I don't know.
"Meet me tonight in
the clearing across the lake."
I want you to be my first kiss.
We need to talk. Meet by the camp
entrance tonight after bedtime.
Oh my God!
You have to see this.
Yeah, what happened
to the chair rental?
This camp was intense.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Can you clear the stage
and cover whatever that is?
And you can figure out the whole
lighting, sound situation, right?
All right, okay.
Oh, so it's time for canoeing?
just come whenever you're done.
I'm so hungry for you.
Jefferson's only
allergic to hazelnuts, right?
Fuck, sorry.
- No, my fault. Nothing broke?
- No, we're good.
Get over here.
We only have the weekend
before my girlfriend
gets back from that wedding.
Sorry, just got a weird text message.
I'm just gonna have to find service.
Okay, but if you see
any pretty wildflowers,
can you bring them
and then you...
Oh hey, oh it was 14.
How are the cabins going?
Yeah, actually I'm all done.
We going to canoe?
Yeah. So maybe you could
help Eileen with her cabin
'cause she's falling behind.
Okay, and you're going to...
I got to do high
intensity interval training
every three hours
to reduce water weight
and flush my skin.
Text Scott.
Walnuts, exclamation point.
Is Jefferson all right,
question mark.
Fucking text me back, period.
Call Scott.
We'll catch up tomorrow.
- Are you sure your text went through?
- Yeah, I am.
Are you sure nobody's
seen Flynn since before dinner?
Maybe she's looking
for a gluten-free kitchen.
You guys, she gets really sick.
That's why I got
gluten-free everything.
these are gluten-free s'mores?
Oh, Jesus!
Oh thank God.
I need to use the van to get
somewhere with service, okay?
Scott has Jefferson's
nut allergies confused.
Is he okay?
Scott's not getting back to me
and I'm supposed
to call him at bedtime
and I've never
been away from him.
I'm just the
only designated driver
and I just got Lasik so I'm
not allowed to drive at night
for like a month and,
but if you need to make a call...
You got Lasik?
Yeah. Dalvero got it
for me as a surprise
so I can go
water skiing in Cancun.
You could walk to Bufflehorn.
It's just 7.8 miles.
Fuck it.
It's your weekend.
He'll be fine.
I just need to trust.
Are you going to be okay?
Did you get dinner?
I had some flax chips.
Oh my God, you must be starving.
The s'mores are gluten-free.
Yeah, they're
right out of the package.
They weren't in my kitchen,
just here.
Take mine. It's not part of
the Bride Boheme Cleanse.
Now that we're all here,
maybe a little sneak
peak into the talent show?
Summer 1985, Camp Pocumtuck.
A picture of youthful innocence
until it is deflowered by death!
Wait, are you part
of the talent show?
Ghost story, summer camp.
- Too tropey?
- Yeah.
But it's true.
I did the research.
As did I. It was
a social experiment gone awry.
That's pretty obvious.
But did you know
that the girl drowned
because she was
struck by lightning?
Wait, what are they
talking about?
There was just
some unrest in the '80s.
A camper drowned,
it was an accident.
And honestly,
in the history of a camp,
one death, it's kind of amazing.
This is also the
location of an Indian massacre.
And there were some
witch trials up the road.
Nothing Salem level
but some girls got immolated.
Wait, is someone else
doing horror spoken word?
No, they're not
but I think maybe
you should try something
else a little less maudlin.
Like what did
you decide to sing?
"Battle Hymn of the Republic."
What, you said it
had to be rights free
because of Bride Boheme
taking video
but it's difficult to
find public domain songs
and have time to rehearse
when you're a mom, okay?
And I just sang it
for Jefferson's 1776 party.
Why don't you guys
sing that together?
Are these handmade marshmallows?
Yeah, they're from that
great little place in my hood.
All marshmallows
are gluten-free.
- I checked.
- No!
All mass-produced ones are
but some of the handmade ones
use flour in the process.
Oh my God!
- Oh my God!
- What the fuck is that?
Wheat or potato-based?
It's okay.
I'll know in a couple of hours.
- Another one.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
No green piles still?
- Flynn!
- Oh shit, my tolerance is gone.
Guys, help me drink all this
gluten-free beer so it's a fair fight.
Oh, got enough of this.
Bride Boheme Cleanse.
I'm okay.
You're refusing alcohol?
Are you pregnant?
- Flick fly.
- Oh, fuck!
Ah ha ha ha ha.
Should we see if Eileen
and Paulette want to play?
Can we discuss
Eileen and Paulette?
Yeah. I know Paulette's.
Dalvero's weird
college friend but Eileen.
I accidentally invited Eileen.
Not going to sugarcoat this.
You're fired.
Her email address is
so autocorrect
thinking I typed in Flynn's name
and now she thinks
she's a bridesmaid so, yeah.
Can you be more specific
than camp entrance
and after bedtime?
Shit, fuck, whore.
Oh, fuck I miss swearing.
Are you guys
getting baby pressure yet?
Yeah, ever since
we announced the date.
Fuckety fuck fuck!
But, you know, it's just
for the taxes in other words.
Everything changes.
It's like a mortgage.
You sure he's a safe investment?
what does that mean, Alexis?
- Blitz.
- Mother of God, shit, whore!
Fuck you.
I got to take five.
Wow, you just let
her have that fantasy?
She thought you two were
having a fren-a-ssance.
Should have let
the poor girl off the hook.
What, it's a long story. I mean, if anybody
was supposed to apologize, it's her.
You guys, blitz pile.
There are these guys
with these scary fucking masks
out in the woods!
- Couldn't they just be other Airbnb renters?
- No, I booked the whole camp.
I guess the escaped
convicts that are going to rape
and murder us didn't book
their crime scene on Airbnb.
Were the strippers not a joke?
Oh, you would've killed me.
You hate all
flavors of exploitation.
Gluten-free knife, just in case.
Fuck this!
- What the fuck?
- Yeah, I'm sorry, boo.
You were
supposed to come tomorrow.
My fault,
I had Jack drive us up.
Dalvero didn't even know.
Yeah, well he knew
he was wearing a mask
to scare the shit out of us.
It was really
poor judgment on our part.
But this way we can
help you first thing tomorrow.
Oh, hey, you made it.
I'm Trask, groomsman.
Sorry if you all
thought I was a murderer.
This is Jack,
best man, designated driver.
And you all know Dalvero.
Uh, sorry to
psychologically molest you all.
Hi, I'm Eileen.
I'm not supposed to be here
but I'm just going with it.
Okay, I think we
should all just go to bed
because we have a
very big day tomorrow.
The big day, boo.
Sweet dreams.
Come on, Jack.
- Oh, mother of God.
- Who is Trask?
He's one of
Dalvero's douchey work friends.
He's really not that sexy.
Bride blindness,
he's everything.
Okay, lights out, all right?
We kind of got a
lot to do tomorrow.
- He's kind of too much.
- No such thing.
Mia, what team?
guys don't look like that.
Oh, Flynn, welcome to
the decade of CrossFit.
I'll take one for the team
and propose some
inter-camper liaisons.
Dalvero mentioned he had a wife.
He could be bi.
- And polyamorous.
- Well, what about Jack? You guys seemed to have
a little moment there and you bonded over
hating Tom Hanks at my engagement party.
And we made out
and he never responded
to my follow-up text.
Bridal Yenta fail.
Anyway I've moved
on to Traskier things.
Who doesn't love Tom Hanks?
Good night.
he said he'd text me but...
Oh, pull
the fucking reigns on that.
If you like him, text him.
- It's late.
- Fuck late.
Late's hot.
Late's desperate.
Ignore the man who
hasn't dated since high school.
I am very happily married.
That was before
apps and texting.
Dating is like espionage now.
I'll get intelligence from Mia.
Fuck, I'm out.
Good night.
Come on, one more round.
I can bet a professional
lap dance worth $55.
- It's how I paid for my MBA.
- Off!
It's your last night of freedom.
Taste the magic.
- Go the fuck to sleep.
- On the house then.
Show them my loyalty to you
and the bank knows no bounds.
Stop kissing ass. You'll get VP.
You're really
stiff for this guy.
Ah shit.
Best man speech.
Come with me.
I got just the thing.
The fucking outdoors!
then you do your speech.
Tomorow'll be easy.
Genius, right?
I've never actually uh... Oh.
Virgin territory.
Okay, electronic devices
will not be tolerated.
There's so much to do.
You friends with
Trask on Facebook?
Powering down.
Dalvero's substance abuse issues
are well known to his friends.
He is literally
addicted to substance.
He binges podcasts.
Terry Gross is his celeb crush.
And he'd donate a
kidney to Noam Chomsky.
I'm going to pee in my pants.
When I get back you're totally
going to sext that Gore dude.
Hey, it's Trask.
Want to meet at the playhouse?
You are not Trask.
Who are you?
Trask. What the fuck?
Got your number
off Mia's contact sheet.
You are so my thing.
I'm waiting.
What am I doing?
Nice catch, sir. Bring
my mask and a couple of zip ties
and meet me on the
other side of the lake.
How did you get my number?
Contact sheet.
Not as bright
as you are handsome.
That's a mildly creepy request.
Creepy equals sexy.
Keep on the DL, duh.
You're on the pill, right?
No, but it's not an issue.
Boo, can you pick me up
some grapefruits ASAP?
Gore failed.
posted to #MiaCampWedding.
what's with the scary selfie
and where are you?
Gore, Go...
What the fuck?
- Shit.
- What's wrong?
Where's alcoholic girl?
Definitely wheat-based
vodka, sorry.
It's quite the shit show.
Did I wake you guys?
We're the only ones
left in the cabin.
Why would she sully up
my feed with this?
I'm just going to say
what we're all thinking.
This is not a selfie.
Someone else took this pic.
Someone psychopathic.
That's what we're all thinking?
Alexis used to be goth, okay?
She's probably just doing
some like bachelorette
- haunted house thing.
- Is this her stuff?
Hey, that is her stuff. Come on.
I'm looking for a clue.
- Jackpot.
- Wait, no.
These are prenatal vitamins.
Do you think she's pregnant?
Uh, she refused that beer.
That's a first.
Or she's trying to get pregnant.
Maybe she was
cheating with the psychopath
and she thought he was a full-
service sperm donor until...
Oh my God. Okay.
Let me just go
check the boys' cabin
in case they're not sleeping.
Where are you?
Starting to not feel this.
Where are they?
- Oh, I asked him to run an errand.
- -Now?
Oh, he picked up my dress
after the bachelor party.
I'll be right back.
You guys at the store?
Alexis posted this.
Can't find her.
Is Trask with you?
Jack, where are you?
You guys at the store?
Alexis posted this.
Can't find her.
Is Trask with you?
Is this happening?
Yeah, boo, be back in a jiff.
I'll text him
to look for Alexis.
And is Gore not
into Jack or what?
Come deeper into the woods, put on the
mask, and zip tie yourself to a tree.
I'll find you.
Man of honor, need you.
Where are you?
Alexis's phone
must've just died.
And your best gay?
Caustic drunk girl.
What was it, a phone massacre?
posted to #MiaCampWedding.
Trask is
flaunting his conquests.
Who was everything to Gore.
And whose genetic makeup
would you want for a child?
He's some nympho psycho, so
bathed in unexamined privilege.
This is just sport to him.
Well, that's an airtight theory.
Gore was acting
pretty desperate though.
And prenatals?
She wanted a baby bad.
They could both be
out there still alive
just bleeding out somewhere.
How are you
even getting service?
I've been trying to
text Scott all night.
We need to call the police.
Man of honor fail
is an inside joke
and Gore was
probably in on the prank.
We'll just wait
for them to scare me
and then I will kill them.
- You're not looking to come with us, are you?
- No.
I should stay
with my friend here.
Are you going to be okay?
I'll be fine.
Alexis! Gore!
Shh, turn that thing off.
We need to be stealth.
Okay, I can't see.
Your eyes will adjust.
Coast is clear.
While we're here,
we could just finish the...
People are coming tomorrow.
To a blood bath.
Recovering from an accidental glutening.
Hydration is key.
Reach for
electrolyte-rich beverages
such as coconut water.
He didn't make it.
So sorry.
You're next.
Mia! Mia!
If you're afraid to
talk about this wedding,
it's obviously a mistake.
Oh, hey.
Are you okay?
What are you doing out here?
I needed some fresh air.
I, uh, gave the best man
shrooms to calm his nerves,
but it freaked him out
and now I can't find him.
You gave him
shrooms to calm his nerves?
For tomorrow not like right now.
You don't have any pot?
I thought that would have been
better right before his speech.
So you do have pot.
Oh, maybe we could smother
Trask with one of these.
Oh, is that how you yawn?
You're like a big
opera singer now, right?
- I love that #whatadivadoes.
- Thanks.
I just looked at your profile
every once in a while
to see what you're up to.
Yeah, sorry about not accepting
your friend request yet.
I just got really
busy with the wedding,
so, you know, haven't had...
Oh my gosh.
This camp is so
adorbs and so un-PC.
What decade did
these kids come from?
I don't know. I think they
haven't had campers for a while.
At your cabin.
Where you at?
Oh my gosh.
This could be a trap.
We should get Flynn's knife
and take one of
these mattresses.
If you're afraid
to talk about this wedding,
it's obviously a mistake.
Eileen's cray. She is
going to ruin the wedding.
Can you take care of her?
mean like be really nice to her
so she's not so cray?
No, not nice.
Like, scare her away?
Fine. Fine.
sure I'm down with this plan.
So I'll scare her, okay?
Thank you for contacting.
How to Be Your Best Diva.
Email's really the
best way to reach me.
- Dalvero's totally sprung for that girl.
- -Mm-m.
He wouldn't even go in
the vicinity of a strip club.
That's not sprung.
That's whipped.
Am I interrupting something?
No, um, no.
So what are you doing right now?
Getting some fresh air,
I'm going to show you something.
Fucking hell.
Fucking outdoors, right?
Where the fuck are we going?
Follow me.
Jack, what are you doing?
Oh, yeah.
He got her.
Maybe she was chopping something
and she cut herself.
Are you high?
Either Trask or
your husband-to-be
or both or someone else
is killing everyone.
But we haven't found a body.
That's beet juice.
Everyone is missing. We need to find
a landline and call 9-fucking-1-1.
Unless you want to deliver your
vows to a room full of coffins.
If you would like to explain creepy
selfies to 9-1-1, be my guest.
I'm going to go find Dalvero and I'm
going to sort this whole thing out.
- I don't want you to die!
- Oh, you're
wrinkling the dress.
You're next.
You're next.
Hey, boo boo.
Where the fuck is everybody?
Hey, Mia.
I've been trying to call you all day.
Your fianc picked up the
wrong dress from the tailor.
But amazingly, this dress
is very close to your size
and should just fit barring any deviation
from your diet and exercise regime.
My deepest
apologies for the mishap.
9-1-1, where's your emergency?
Now who's next?
You're alive!
You faked your own death
to throw us off.
Except beet juice?
Cut the bull.
Is my son alive?
Frame me all you want.
You're the one who
disappeared for hours
clearly to set traps for us.
Are you even gluten-free?
I have celiac disease.
What did
accomplice do to my son?
Do you even have a child?
Or is it like you
invented an imaginary son
to get attention and
now your fantasy is crumbling
and you have to
kill off everyone by...
What'd I tell you, right?
You got any more weed?
Oh, I got some good shit
like you died
and went to heaven.
I'm pretty sure I
wouldn't like heaven.
- What are you doing?
- I'm getting comfortable.
It's a hot night,
don't you think?
Wow. Does like say hello to my
package normally work for you?
You should be
like way more dominant.
Kind of.
sorry for the super late notice,
but we can't
make it to the wedding.
The car broke down and it won't
be fixed till next week. Sad face.
I already put in the
headcount to the caterers.
Can't you rent a car?
That is so rude.
Are you all right?
Girl, you got... what are you...
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Come to the playhouse ASAP.
Oh God.
Come on, come on!
Come on, come on.
Hide the body. No one can
know or there'll be more.
What the fuck?
Great news.
The videographer was approved.
Can you just
resend me the camp address?
Can't seem to find it.
- See you tomorrow.
- What?
Uh, do.
Hide it now!
Trask, what the hell, man?
What's going on?
Is this some kind of game?
I know Mia has
been kind of intense
with the wedding prep
and the man of honor checklist.
She BBC'd me.
But she really
just wants this to be
a wonderful
experience for everyone.
Uh, look, I know
you've known her half her life
and I'm just some guy
in a long line of guys.
I don't really want to know how
long so please don't tell me.
But seriously I'd
do anything for her.
I know you would, too.
I mean, if you were straight,
you would probably be marrying her.
So, yeah,
I feel some competition there
but I also think
of you as a friend.
I hope you think
of me as one, too.
And maybe this is premature,
but if we decide to have kids,
we're thinking
you'd be the godfather.
I'm just like
trying to be sure what...
- No more talking. No more talking.
- All right.
- What are going to do?
- This is feeling much...
What the fuck?
posted to #MiaCampWedding.
- Oh.
- What the crap was that?
I read a story about an
opera singer who got mugged
and then she sang a crazy high
note and then he ran away.
Well, we're all safe now, okay? Eileen was behind
everything but I locked her in the fridge.
Wait, what? But Eileen was
with us the whole time.
Yes, I know. She must've done
it all before we got up
and then posted
the photos later.
I even found
her Polaroid camera.
Oh my God.
Is that your dress?
Dalvero picked up the wrong one.
Shit, sorry.
- Is that why you needed me here ASAP?
- Yes.
Sorry, but I need to
check on Jefferson, okay?
You don't mind if I
take Dalvero's car to Brooklyn?
Are you sure that
he's in imminent danger?
And then seconds later...
- Whoa.
- Right?
Okay, do you think that
there is also a killer here?
Is someone dead?
No, no.
No, just the selfies.
Eileen probably roofied them.
Who knows what she's capable of.
She was
projecting her crimes on me.
It's just all so sick and weird.
- I should have told her about the email mix-up.
- Don't blame yourself.
This country is a disaster when
dealing with mental illness.
Okay, I'm going to go
find service and call 9-1-1.
You just stay here and
wait for the police, okay?
Congratulations. You've
had your most active day yet.
Way to go.
Hey, why'd you run from me?
I need your help with Gore.
I think he's really hurt.
Meet me at the canoes.
One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten.
One, two,
three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten.
Oh! Okay.
Hey, big favor, can you meet Paulette
by the camp entrance and give her
that lap dance and more?
She needs to chill the fuck out.
For real?
Not cheating on my wife.
Guess you're not ready to be VP.
Oh my... Hide the body.
No one can know
or there'll be more.
Oh, um.
Hide it now.
Oh fuck, oh fuck.
Uh, sorry, Gore thought
he was supposed to scare you.
Eileen's in the cafeteria.
So I'll scare her, okay?
Should have cut
me when you had the chance.
Leave this place.
Where the fuck are you going?
Please send that address ASAP.
The crew needs to
get up there early.
Sorry, it's one Pocumtuck Road,
Massachusetts, 01313.
Can't wait to finally meet you.
Oh my God, my TV dinner dream!
Wow, you can sing.
Is that your wedding dress?
What did gluten-free tell you?
It's called being framed.
Where is she?
Saving her son
from your accomplice.
I don't have any friends
that would kill children for me.
Have you ever
even met this Jefferson?
Yes, several times.
She could have rented a baby.
Jesus, Mia.
People are dying and
you're still inviting bloggers?
Nobody's dying.
Oh, oh my God!
Jesus, Mia, is she okay?
- Uh...
- Have you checked her pulse?
I don't know how to do that.
We took CPR together.
No one can know
or there'll be more.
Well, she's not alive.
She's your friend
and you're still trying
to make this wedding happen?
She's fine.
She just has one of
those artificial hearts
that has no pulse.
When possible, make a U-turn.
When possible, make a U-turn.
What the fuck, lady?
I just made a fucking U-turn.
This is me
chilling the fuck out!
What did you do to Jefferson?
- Jefferson?
- My son.
- I thought he was in Brooklyn.
- Don't fuck with me.
- What are you doing with a gun?
- It's not mine.
Oh, does it belong
to your Bloody Eight friend?
You two team up
to ruin Mia's wedding
and harvest my son's stem cells?
What are you
doing with Dalvero's car?
I'm borrowing it.
Let's borrow it back to camp
and clear this whole thing up.
I'm really sorry
about the email mix-up.
I should have said something.
I just gave you the wrong...
Game over, Mia.
Inviting me here
was no accident.
You wanted revenge.
Revenge for what?
"Star Search."
"Star Search" was 20 years ago.
I'm over it.
You're telling me you're not at all upset
that I didn't pick you up that morning
and you missed your audition
for the talent competition
of the late '80s, early '90s.
Yeah, your house
got hit by heat lightning
and your alarm got reset.
And you're totally fine
that I went the next day
and booked it.
We only got 1 1/4 stars.
And still managed to land a
Disney Channel Japan contract.
Okay, but that
wasn't really Disney Channel.
And Hamlet.
What woman
wouldn't want to play Hamlet?
You didn't even
get Guildenstern.
You were just Fortinbras' wife.
Okay, maybe I was
pissed off about that
and maybe I had to
Google what heat lightning was
and maybe on that day
the weather reports
contradict your story.
Because my story is a lie.
You'll never
outrun him in that thing.
I can't get out of this.
What the fuck?
When people
are freezing to death,
they figure shit out.
And you're reading
a lot into those texts.
Am I?
posted to #MiaCampWedding.
Stop! Get out.
Oh, shit, shit.
Get... Oh, my foot!
Wait, your mom OD'd?
Disney Channel
Japan was her rehab.
1 1/4 stars is television
leprosy. I didn't book shit.
I kind of hated you actually.
I'm sure the Wendy's
commercial didn't help.
No, no, it didn't.
I didn't even try.
I just got
scouted at the Galleria.
I've been
trying to say I'm sorry
since I found you on Facebook.
I thought the
bridesmaid email was your way
of accepting my apology.
I suck.
And see, you're the one
who became a star.
I paid the karmic price.
Actually, I know that I seem
like I'm this big opera star
'cause I post on Facebook
but I'm not.
Had this like
really bad vocal crisis
and now all I do is coachings.
Like you just teach?
9-1-1 traced our calls.
We're saved!
Fuckin' no way.
- Officer, stop.
- What the fuck?
Arrest her. She's been trying
to stop this wedding
by killing my son.
And she's in on it, too.
Mia, do you just hurt you,
are you all right?
Paulette's part
of the conspiracy.
Hey, have you guys seen Dalvero?
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- What?
Officer, this woman
locked me in the freezer
at gluten-free knife point
and has invented a child
to mask her own insecurities.
You guys, it's not one of us.
We saw the killer.
I knocked him out.
Why are you so sorry?
- Oh my fucking God.
- Now you three stand back away from the vehicle.
Oh my God. Mia, he has a gun.
And who the fuck are you? Because you
are certainly not an officer of the law.
Please step away
from the vehicle
and hand over your weapon.
You have the right
to remain sexy.
Oh shit, Magical Michael?
Sorry, guys, my bad.
He was supposed
to be here hours ago.
This place is hard to find.
I'm sorry, Mia, I didn't
know you were so against
the exploitation of men.
But don't you
think after a millennia
of the exploitation of women,
we should get our turn?
Is that what this is about,
an anti-marriage
feminist reprisal?
- I should probably go.
- Hey, I already paid for this online.
Yeah, not for
whatever the fuck this is.
No, no.
We need a third party
to settle this.
And how the fuck
do you turn that off?
Just a few more times.
Go for the full routine.
Officer down to funk.
Spread 'em.
No, no one leaves.
I need to get to my son!
Who doesn't exist!
She's the killer.
No, it's Trask.
- What?
- I saw him raping Paulette.
No, that was consensual
and there wasn't
really any penetration.
I know he didn't kill Dalvero.
I didn't mean to but...
He was attacking us with a mask.
She didn't do it.
No fucking way!
She didn't... No.
Our lives are in danger.
I paid for 35 minutes.
Can we all just talk about this?
posted to #MiaCampWedding.
Everyone follow me.
Inspect the body.
I bet you've been building
up your tolerance for years
just to seem like an alki loser
all the while just waiting...
Just do it.
Does anyone see a gunshot wound?
This is some JFK shit.
JFK's wound was pretty visible.
I fired a warning shot
into the air.
This is weird.
Maybe the same thing
happened to Dalvero.
I didn't kick him that hard.
Do the selfies mean you're dead?
I should have texted him.
Adorable but people are
dying without visible injuries.
Alexis didn't have any either.
You found Alexis?
I got a text from a 510 number
and it said,
"Don't tell anyone and hide
the body or there'll be more."
Wait, you never
gave me your phone number
for the contact sheet
and Dalvero has a 510 number
from Berkeley and
you probably do, too.
I got the same exact text
after Trask croaked
on top of me
except from a 617 number.
Aren't you
originally from Boston, Mia?
No, Eileen texted me,
"You're next,"
and she's the one
with the Polaroid camera.
I don't have your number.
We all got the contact sheet.
I'm not that organized.
Someone must've
hacked our numbers.
You work in tech now.
You Googled me?
Caught your Linkedln request.
I work in social media.
Well, did.
I got fired.
Jesus, fuck!
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh shit.
I swear he didn't have a pulse.
I don't think he's alive.
This is supernatural.
Oh, that explains everything.
The paranormal
always explains everything.
He probably just got
knocked out, came to, and...
Is really engrossed
in a "New Yorker" article?
Mia, I did a background search on the
camp and all of the permits were expired.
- Did you book it or are we just trespassing?
- I am not that cheap.
And if they are out of date,
I'm going to ask Miriam for a discount.
Who's Miriam?
The Airbnb contact for the camp.
And the name of the girl who was
struck by lightning and drowned?
- Convenient.
- You think that she's capable of being behind all of this?
Shit, that's her last name and her
profile picture was the camp sign.
I've seen that Walkman.
Her spirit is probably
entrancing through his phone
and made him a slave.
Maybe if you take it away,
it'll sever the tie.
Because you've seen
this kind of thing before?
Well, no, but I manage's web presence
and, well, did.
Are you going to do it?
Uh, he looks pretty strong.
Yeah, I'm not going to try it,
not in this.
I say we all just
pile in Dalvero's car
and get the fuck out of here.
But if this works on him,
maybe we could
save everyone else.
Okay, go for it.
Oh oh.
Jack1138 posted
to #MiaCampWedding.
Dalvero's car
sounds pretty good about now.
Oh ho!
Follow me!
Shouldn't we throw our phones
away so we don't get zombied?
If grabbing
one's phone is stealing,
maybe tossing
our phones is littering.
We should leave where?
Fuck that! That bitch lured
us here by the Airbnb
because she obviously
has some unfinished business
that she'd clearly
like us to help her resolve.
Then why is she
killing everyone?
Dead weight, you think
they could've helped her?
Where's Flynn?
She can knock.
We can't just
leave her out there.
She's safer than in here.
What are you trying to do,
trap us in the
smallest room on the planet?
Oh my God, oh my God.
That's why we're in here.
Do you have the key?
Fuck me.
Where are you?
We're trapped.
Leave now and Mia's toast.
You're next!
Would be amazingly
lucky if we just found the key.
Oh my God.
"Dare you to steal
Yolanda's Cabbage Patch Kid
and hang it."
Kids at this camp were brutal.
You think it's inside.
Cover your ears.
- Oh God.
- What the fuck?
Continue toward state route,
make a U-turn,
make a U-turn or you're next,
- you're next, you're next.
- Shut the fuck up.
Shut up.
You were warned a lot.
- What the fuck?
- Uh!
posted to #MiaCampWedding.
I'm going to write
the email to tell everybody
to stay away from my wedding.
No, we can
get to the bottom of this
and exorcize everyone.
You could still have
the best wedding ever.
What? No!
Fucking scare everyone away
and like tell them it was a fire
or something because I am here
and I can barely
believe this shit.
So you're just
going to give up and listen
to drowned girl's mix tape?
Nobody labels a mix tape
Camp Record Number One.
It's got to be something.
But we need to warn people
in case it's not
the best wedding ever, okay?
Anyone see the headphones?
Better idea.
So we can all hear.
We're going to need to find
a more defensible position.
We need to go to the playhouse.
Be prepared to run.
Oh my God. Take shelter.
- Shit!
- Just drop and roll!
That is not
happening in this dress.
Rip it off.
I can't, it's too tight.
- Shit, come on!
- Gee, oh, go, go!
Damn, home girl's
got some mad skills.
Well, Dalvero said
she trained with the CIA
but she failed some test.
How's that email coming?
Shit, it's Alexis.
We could
barricade her with seating.
Good plan.
Gore found this
while we were setting up.
Yeah, that would've
been a red flag for me.
Oh my gosh.
Look who's on top of the board.
The last camp director
was this psych grad student
who, according to
this very creepy website,
pitted the kids
against each other
through some
like disciplinary game.
We've got to save her
from his ghost.
You break a rule and,
bam, you're on the board.
Mmm, but we all
broke camp rules.
I did. I drank, did drugs,
I had sex, well kind of.
Yeah, and the camp
director's not dead.
Well, fuck.
Let's play the tape.
Oh yeah.
To live a life free of sin,
it is not enough
to follow the rules.
The moral and just answers
to life's difficult questions
lie within you and you found
ways to ignore and twist them,
to serve your
selfish desires but deep down,
you know what is correct.
"JAMES 4:17," If you do
not do what you know is right,
you have sinned." Now, excuse
me, is that a tape recorder?
Director McFuffer,
my parents said I had an exception.
I record everything so I can
study it later and get it perfect.
There are no
exemptions at Camp Pocumtuck.
Electronic devices
will not be tolerated.
Your parents
warned me about your lies.
Your selfish desire has twisted
your moral truth.
That's makes you our first
addition to the Board of Sin.
If you do not do
what you know is right,
your picture goes up here.
What's your name?
But I'm not lying.
They told me that...
What's your name?
Miriam Kleingeist, sir.
Step up here, Miriam.
The only way to
get off the Board of Sin
is to report a sin.
What the Nazi Germany fuck?
- Do you have a sin to report, Miriam?
- No, sir.
How does he expect to police
the reporting of other's sins
especially when the incentive is
so high to report a false sin?
Reports of false sin just to get off the
Board of Sin, is the gravest sin of all
and God will tell me
if you do something so heinous.
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Miriam, I'll need
to be confiscating that.
So everybody who was
zombied just didn't do
what they knew was right?
Cheating, okay sure.
But man of honor fail,
I don't know, that stripper,
man, he could have saved us
but he decided to save
his own ass instead.
And also
Gore forgot the grapefruits.
I highly doubt it
was the grapefruits.
He probably got an
ultimatum text just like Trask
and even he had to know that cheating
on his wife to get VP is just,
you know, fucked up.
Wait a flippin' second.
It wasn't the camp
director that pitted the kids
against each other.
It was the drowned girl.
She needed a sin to report
to get off the board.
But she reported like six sins
and she's still on the board.
Because the
religion Nazi camp director
has to approve it.
We need to open up
a channel to her spirit
and then call
the camp director...
But the camp
director is in prison
according to the website.
Well, all that matters
is that she believes it.
One of us can pretend
we're the camp director
and let her know
she's off the hook.
Or we could pretend to be God
and tell her to go to hell.
How hard is it
to open a channel?
WikiHow, don't fail me now.
Circle of salts, silver amulets,
blessed prayer shawls, serpents?
Where are we going
to source all this stuff?
We can improvise.
In the spirit realm,
it's the thought that counts.
Is that real or
a Tweet you wrote?
Attention, there is
a dangerous, toxic gas
leak near the wedding venue
and we must postpone.
Please, for your safety,
stay away from the camp.
We have all been evacuated.
I am so sorry for this
last-minute cancellation.
Love, Mia and Dalvero,
Oh God, gluten-free
almost tomahawked me.
Did you find any prayer shawls?
They didn't do
"Fiddler on the Roof".
It's okay, I got backup.
First, I need
to smudge the whole place.
You guys can set up the altar.
I thought I was smudging.
Who needs to chill the fuck out?
Does that count?
It's herbal.
Where's the salt?
Use the Bloody Eight.
It's loaded with sodium.
Who has a serpent?
Uh, they're
fertility symbols, so...
Use the prenatal vitamins.
We need to barricade the door.
Put these on
and really treat them
like sacred garments.
Now form a crescent
around the idol.
Present the sacred
object of the spirit
to the idol.
Now we hold hands and
chant something of meaning.
And what the fuck would that be?
Shit, look.
What's the tune?
I don't know, I'll improvise.
Just follow me.
Did you go to camp?
Maybe folk it up a bit.
Come on, we have to do this
together or it won't work.
Exactly. And how am I supposed
to believe that this is sacred?
What do you need to believe?
Don't even touch it.
It's not a bad idea.
You can sew it back together.
It's not like it fits.
You slept with Dalvero.
Oh my God,
we're going to do this now?
While we were together.
He told me.
Did he?
Did you ever
think he made that up
to save face
because you told him
that you hooked up with some
guy on Memorial Day weekend?
We never had sex.
I told him that you
were the type of person
to snoop through his emails
and he didn't believe me.
So then he did the slow
fade from my life
and I guess forgot to
uninvite me to the wedding
because I'm his,
was his best friend.
I guess I didn't
encourage the friendship.
You think?
Let's do this shit,
- Yeah.
- May I try the song?
- We're in.
- Who's gonna do the douche boy?
- Miriam?
- Yeah?
Do you have a sin to report?
Are you pretending
to be Director Mudfusher?
He's a butthole.
I reported tons of sins
and it's not working.
You have to help me
get to my parents.
Miriam, I know this
is going to be really hard
for you to understand
but you got struck by lightning
- and you didn't survive.
- No, duh.
Tell your minions to stand down.
I don't know how
to possess people.
That's the pilgrim witch girls.
They want more friends to play
their really, boring games with.
There are no one else
from the astral plane
that these pilgrim girls
can play with?
No one who died on the site
of an Indian massacre
and are trapped
in a liminal vortex.
You have to help me
get off the board
or your friends are goners.
Oh, no fucking duh.
We just have to get her
Polaroid off the board.
That's cheating.
You can't shoot them,
they're kind of alive.
Even if
they're going to kill us?
You guys, butterfly nets.
- Mmm, I wouldn't do that.
-Why the fuck not?
If you leave, they'll probably just
have your friends kill themselves.
They only need them alive
to hunt the rest of you down.
- And you can't stop them?
- Not trapped in this thing.
But they need me to connect with
you guys through your telephones.
- They don't get technology at all.
- What are we going to do?
- Phones won't work in the water. -No.
- Good idea.
No, no, no. I don't like
the lake. Stop, I'm scared!
They were so mean.
I just wrote the notes.
I didn't make 'em do anything.
I'd never been in trouble before.
Did it ever occur to you
that maybe your parents
just didn't tell them
about the exemption?
Take me back to camp or
I'll report your sin right now.
What sin?
You did sleep with Dalvero.
Do you have proof?
November 15th, 2008.
It's in your MS Word journal
and you wrote
- a lot of poetry about it.
- Wow.
I was just
starting to warm up to you.
It was undergrad
and I was a virgin
and I didn't tell him and
he freaked out midway through
so defining it as full-stop
sex is like a stretch, okay?
It was awkward and
then we became friends
and I have a hard time
making and keeping friends
so this wedding
felt like the death nail.
So sue me for not
being totally honest.
You lied, too.
Both of you.
We can't help you if we're dead.
We could swim.
Oh, that's why
you failed Quantico.
It's a phobia.
Miriam, I have a sin to report.
You don't have to trick anyone.
Maybe that'll
get you off the board.
Mia, I knew
the email was a mistake
but I wanted to force
a fren-a-ssance. -Um...
And exploit your opera fame
to get my career back on track.
But I really think we connected and
not because you're just teaching.
But I knew the right
thing to do was to ask you
if it was a mistake
and I didn't.
Fuck, it didn't work.
Maybe you all have to do it?
Uh, I didn't send the stay
away from the wedding email.
Seriously? Do you just want your friends
and family to show up to this shit storm
in case we pull off an
eight-way exorcism. Oh my God.
So this isn't
just my wedding, okay?
It's an audition for a wedding-planning
position at Bride Boheme.
My opera career is over.
Okay, fine, it never even started.
I just started lying
about it on social media but...
I have to do
something with my life.
I can't just be somebody's wife.
Send the fucking email!
What more do we have to do?
I, I cannot die!
Oh, duh, full ceremony.
No, no, no.
Say cheese.
We could still swim.
Miriam forced Paulette's sin
out of her, but not yours.
No, no, no! Fuck.
Um, sorry, that job at
Bride Boheme, that's all me.
- But you didn't cause our email mix-up.
- I, yeah.
That was me, too.
When I was ten years old, I stole a
chocolate milk from the liquor store.
And I set a cat on fire
and I blamed it on neighbor boy
and he went to juvie
and I knew it was wrong.
You have to sin at the camp.
Am I supposed to report myself?
Maybe I lied
about the electronics exemption.
He didn't make it, so sorry.
Maybe we can apply to that
preschool in Carol Gardens?
You're fired. Kidding.
You need a vacation.
I've got a perfect new account
for you,
Shit! That was meant for Dax.
We were going to surprise you
turning the brew room
into a nursery
and then he got tickets to
the Yankees' game
but totally
doing it next weekend.
Toxic gas?
I hope you're all okay.
- No worries.
-We're staying away in our rental car.
- Did you try Gas-X?
- Smirk.
Is everyone alive?
Okay, Mia, I mean,
she's totally great.
I approve.
Can we just be friends again?
Jefferson's alive.
- Alexis, are you pregnant?
- I didn't want to upstage you.
Stop, that's amazing!
- Boo?
- Boo.
Oh my God, my dress.
25 minutes? Deal?
Why is it daytime?
Okay, phone time over.
- Let's make this wedding happen.
- But nobody's coming.
If you actually love each other,
does it matter?
And you have
a pretty strong case
to contest your Airbnb fees.
You can use the money
to throw a party
in the city for
the obligatories.
And I can probably Molly
Ringwald this into something.
What about Bride Boheme?
Oh, it's okay.
Paulette is actually right.
If we're going to have a wedding,
we should do it because we love each other
and we have
really great friends.
- Oh my God!
- What?
You accepted my friend request.
Five more minutes.
Five more minutes,
five more minutes.