Can You Keep a Secret? (2019) Movie Script

Every single one of us
has a secret in our world
that we don't want
anyone else to see.
And we think if people find out
who we really are,
they won't stick around.
So we make our way through life
trying to hide
our vulnerabilities.
The problem is,
that's a lot harder
than it sounds.
And sometimes it works,
and sometimes it doesn't,
but at the end of the day,
we're all just trying
to do the best we can.
Take me for example.
I pretend to know
what I'm doing,
but I am so far
from figuring out
what life is all about.
Couple things
I wanna talk about.
Logistical, formative alliances.
Let alone what this guy
is trying to say.
But I do know
I have to land this account
to get my promotion.
Or my future
could very well end up
looking like that.
Chuck? You got anything to add?
You good? All right.
Chuck's good.
The point is, unfortunately,
uh, after rebranding,
these products
are just incompatible.
And our, our clientele,
they just...
- they can't pay...
- Sorry. Uh...
- Doug.
- Yes?
Um, I don't want to...
Just to do... I'm just, uh...
Just recap the situation?
Oh, okay. A little recap.
Chuck, let's see what you got.
Okay. This is what we got.
We don't like your prices.
- My pricings?
- Yes.
I don't... but I...
I don't price anything.
Okay. We're... We're done.
I think...
- Wait. No, hold on.
- Well, it's time to go.
I just have two points to make.
Panda Prime
is an organic energy drink.
Panda is a marketing phenomenon.
The Panda character
is known around the world,
and that slogan, "Don't Pause",
has made it into the dictionary.
We are offering
Shoreview Cruises
an exclusive opportunity to join
with this premium,
world famous brand.
When customers buy Panda Prime,
they are saying
that they will settle
for nothing but the best.
They expect the best
from their energy drink.
They expect the best
from their cruise.
And they expect the best
from themselves.
I, um...
I hate to burst your bubble.
That was a great speech.
That was really, really,
really good speech,
but have you seen our clientele?
Right behind me.
Right over here.
Take a look at 'em.
And I don't wanna say
we're proud,
but we're not ashamed.
Look, when Panda customers
open this can,
they're saying who they are.
They're making a statement.
I am asking Shoreview Cruises
to make that same statement.
Please don't tell my boss.
This is the final boarding call
for flight 2816 nonstop
service to Chicago...
Hey. Hey, how'd it go?
It was a certifiable disaster.
You realize this is my third job
in four years.
I'm, I'm sorry.
- And I'm boarding soon.
- Remember.
Thousands of people
fly every day.
- Yeah.
- It's like...
safer than lying down in bed.
Great. I'll remember that
when I'm sleeping tonight.
Excuse me, can I? Thank you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How you doing?
I'm in 32F.
Hasn't been your day, has it?
No, not really.
How about an upgrade
to first class?
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Seat 2A.
Thank you.
- Hi.
- Champagne?
Champagne, miss?
Ladies and gentlemen...
- Champagne?
- Yes!
Thank you.
Direct service to JFK.
Thank you.
Place carry-on bags
in the overhead compartment.
Champagne, miss?
Your champagne, sir.
All right, cheers.
It's my phone.
Uh, yeah, no, no. I'm here.
Somebody thought
I was talking to them.
Um, yeah, so I'll see you
guys, uh, next month.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Uh, that's unacceptable.
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
Uh, good evening, sir.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Would you be interested in, um,
the new business class
lounge at JFK?
Oh, no. Thanks.
Oh, my god.
Is that normal?
Oh, my god!
- Did we hit something?
- Uh...
We're currently experiencing
some slight turbulence.
Please remain seated
until the captain
has turned off
the fasten seatbelt sign.
This is your captain. Hold on.
- We're gonna be...
- Oh, shit!
Oh, my god!
This is it. We're gonna die!
No, no. Yeah, yeah.
It's just some turbulence.
What do you think
they're gonna say?
They're not gonna say
"This is it.
"You're all gonna die" That would
make everyone freak out!
This is it, though.
I haven't done anything
with my life!
I haven't done anything!
I haven't climbed a mountain.
I've never had kids.
I never got a tattoo.
I don't even know
if I have a G-spot.
- Excuse me?
- I think that I'm someone
that I don't have one of those.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I just say that out loud?
That's okay.
You can keep talking.
My career's a joke.
I just messed up
my first big meeting
and I'm not gonna get
a promotion.
And there's this awful girl
named Artemis...
She got a promotion over me,
and so I water her stupid
spider plant with orange juice.
I wish that I could pee
standing up.
I wish that I knew what
it was like to have a penis.
Every single time
I hear "Demons"
by Imagine Dragons,
I cry instantly.
Even thinking about it
makes me cry.
And my boyfriend, Connor,
he's obsessed with jazz.
And he took me
to all these jazz concerts,
and I pretend to like
it but I hate jazz.
I hate jazz.
And Connor does this
really weird thing
with his tongue,
but I told him
that it was amazing...
and that my whole body opened up
like a flower, and he asked...
What kind of flower?
So I said... Begonia?
I don't think that I've ever
really been in love,
and I don't think anyone's
ever really loved me.
I just want, like, this huge,
amazing romance,
like this, like, earthquake.
Like if I could just...
Excuse me.
Ladies and gentlemen...
- What?
- Sorry. We, we landed.
If you checked baggage,
you can pick it up
at carousel...
Turbulence stopped
like a half hour ago.
Why didn't you tell me that?
Seems like you had a few things
to get off your chest.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god.
I have to go.
Emma! You're alive!
- I missed you.
- Me too.
What happened to you?
Just a little turbulence.
No, I got your text that said...
"We're in a death spiral,
not gonna make it.
Know that I loofah you."
I mean, I know what that meant.
I just wanna go home.
Oh, no, no, no. Wait, wait.
Oh, oh, Emma.
I don't know
what I'd do without you.
I, I've been thinking...
I'm thinking that it's time
that we take our relationship
to the next level.
we should move in together.
Oh, you're very sad. Okay.
Okay. Yeah. That's okay.
It's okay, baby. It's okay.
Let's go in,
let's go in the car.
Let's go in the car.
Jeez, how bad was the flight?
There you go, okay.
There's a quiet,
safe place to cry.
Tootsies in.
Like a little angel.
You look so heavenly perfect.
I wanna die
in each other's arms.
Oh, shit!
I can't believe I get to wake up
to this every morning.
When you move in!
Oh, yeah. Right.
- Espresso?
- Oh, yeah.
I got this new
Colombian blend. It is...
to die for.
- Yeah?
- Oh. Almost forgot to tell you.
Guess what I got tickets for?
The Bjorn Svornson Quartet.
It's gonna be
their last show of the year.
That's great.
Almost forgot the saucers.
But we need them
because if you spill in the bed,
I will be very upset.
Here comes the espresso train.
Thank you.
Lot of nut.
Lot of nut in this.
That's smooth.
I'll see you at the office.
I've got to do a two.
I was up till midnight
- caulking her tub.
- Ugh.
She's not using me, is she?
Well, of course she's using you.
She's just...
looking for a free handyman.
Yeah, I should have realized.
She asked me on our first date
if I had plumbing
or roofing experience.
I have the worst taste in women.
No, no you don't.
It's not your fault.
I mean, how are you
supposed to know?
There's no way to know.
I'm not gonna cry at work.
I'll be there for you.
If you really need to.
But let's do it privately
this time.
What the heck is going on?
Hey, Nick.
What's going on?
Jack Harper's visiting.
Are you serious?
Well, he only co-founded
the company you work for.
I thought he had a breakdown
after Pete Laddler died?
Well, looks like he's back
in the game.
- That's got to be him.
- Yeah.
That's got to be him.
Are you being sarcastic?
You know... Corrigan!
Okay, stay strong.
Good luck.
Did you forget to take your meds
or something?
- No.
- I'm...
just trying to understand
the phone call
I just got from Chicago.
I mean, is this some kind
of psychotic break
that we're dealing with?
Is this a manic state?
Some Kanye
at The White House shit?
What the fuck happened
- to Shoreview?
- Nothing.
Did you really pour a drink
on Doug Hamilton?
No. It was like a tiny
little bit of spray.
Like, I was gesticulating
with the can.
I was passionate about,
the, the product. And I just...
- I was just like gesticulating.
- Were you... were you doing this
in the meeting?
I just, it got shook up.
- Stop doing that with your hand!
- It just...
It was like that much, though.
- Shh.
- Okay.
Just clean up your desk.
- What?
- You're firing me? I...
Learn to listen, Corrigan.
I said clean it up, not out.
Jack Harper
will be here in a few minutes.
And if you spill
Panda Prime on him,
then you're fucking gone.
- I'm not gonna spill...
- Shh!
Okay, everyone.
Listen up!
This is an informal
visit, nothing more.
Mr. Harper will come in,
maybe talk to one or two of you,
so act normal...
just better.
Not a really great meeting
for you, was it there, Emma?
Cybill's not really
liking you today.
Okay, everyone.
He's on the floor.
So go about your everyday task.
Everyone, may I have
your attention, please.
It is my distinct honor
and pleasure to introduce...
our founding father.
The man who has
influenced and inspired
an entire generation
of marketers.
The inimitable...
Jack Harper.
Thank you, Cybill. Everybody.
And who's this?
Ah. This is Emma Corrigan.
One of our junior
marketing assistants.
Hi, Emma.
Hello, Mr. Harper.
It's very nice to meet you.
Uh, it's nice to meet you.
Show the man who you are.
Now, Emma,
what, what do you do, Emma?
I work in the marketing
Emma was just in Chicago
on business.
We try to give our junior staff
early as possible.
That's a great idea.
I could use a coffee.
How's, how's the coffee here?
The coffee is absolute poison.
It's fricking terrible!
It's delicious.
That's great. Good to hear.
And this is Artemis Harrington,
one of our brightest
young executives.
- Hi, sir.
- Hi.
Oh, my goodness. Are you okay?
Yes. Bonjour.
- Oh, you're French.
- Two percent.
Well, um, I like your,
I like your spider plant.
Thank you, sir.
It's, um, looks very healthy.
And this is Nick.
He's another one of our
junior marketing executives.
- Mr. Harper.
- Nice to meet you.
- Call me Nicky.
- Um...
Well, I'm sure I'll get to meet
all of you at some point,
and, uh...
look forward to getting to know
some of you a little bit better.
Right this way, Jack.
Au revoir!
You're from Pittsburgh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So... So...
What a coincidence.
- It's good to see you again.
- Yeah.
- How are you?
- I, I'm good. How are you?
The world works
in such mysterious ways.
- Yeah.
- Doesn't it?
It does.
So... Jack... Harp...
Mr. Harper...
In my defense,
I had no idea who you were.
So I don't think
that I should...
be peen-alized.
You, you don't think
I should penalize you?
Is that how you pronounce it?
Pen... penalized?
The penalty flag,
not a "peenalty" flag.
Right. Now that you say it,
It's weird.
- I, uh...
- It's like "penis". Sorry.
Neither of us are wrong.
You're gonna fire me.
Please don't fire me.
- I'm gonna like...
- I'm not gonna fire you.
Great. Great. Thank you.
But I am gonna ask for a favor.
I would really like it if nobody
knew that I was in Chicago.
Do you think we could
keep that between us?
- Yeah?
- Of course. Of course.
- You haven't told anybody?
- No.
No. I'm like a steel trap.
Like, nothing goes in
and nothing comes out.
Well stuff goes in, it's like...
like one of these, you know?
It's like a...
Venus fly trap.
Like you get in there,
and then... You die in there.
In like...
So it all goes in
and it dies in here.
- I feel very safe.
- Good.
- Yeah.
- And the same thing goes
for you, though, like...
everything I said...
Dies with me. To the grave.
We're both dying
with each other's secrets.
That's quite intimate.
So, you've really
never been in love?
Did I say that?
No, I didn't, right?
Oh, I mean...
I mean, who really even knows
what love is?
No one has any goddamn idea
what love is
on this entire planet.
And I'll tell you that,
as a fact.
Hey, Lissy. Need to talk to you.
- Emma.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You're early.
You're home. You're home early.
Oh, hi. Hi.
- This is, um...
- So sorry.
- This is Omar.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Um, Emma, my roommate.
- Hi, pleasure to meet you.
- Hi. Yeah, you too.
Omar and I were just reviewing
some case notes.
- Cool. That's fun.
- Mm-hm.
Yeah, it's fun, but it's work.
And we're, we're just swamped
at work, aren't we?
- Of course. Mm-hm.
- Yeah.
- So...
- Yeah.
Well, you know, I think we got
to a good place.
We can pick it up tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- Okay, I should be going now.
- See you tomorrow.
- Great, nice meeting you.
- Yeah, you too.
- Yeah.
Have a really good day.
- So...
- He's new.
He's, yeah, I'm kind of,
showing him the ropes.
- Great.
- Yeah, great.
He's like, kind of, ripped
for a lawyer.
- Is he?
- You didn't notice that?
- Well...
- That he was, uh, attractive?
Yeah, I guess he is.
I guess he is.
I just see him so much at work,
I guess I'm used to, like,
his physique.
Totally. I believe you.
- That looks good.
- Yeah.
You look like you need it.
Is there a man here?
I thought I, like,
smelled a presence or something.
- He left.
- Yeah.
He's my co-worker.
Did you finish the quiz?
- What quiz?
- It's this article.
Says that proportions of beauty
have always been the same,
so you can figure out
how beautiful you are.
What did you get?
I'm a 33.
Out of what?
- A hundred.
- That's ridiculous.
I think 33
is pretty good for you.
Gemma, what did you get?
And that's without all this.
So dumb. You are so stunning.
That's insanity.
I'm going to a bris.
Night, ladies.
No shoes in the apartment!
God, that outfit is hideous.
You're not gonna believe
what happened today.
You remember that guy,
the guy from the plane?
The one you spilled
your guts to?
He showed up at work today.
- Like, stalking you?
- No.
He's the top guy at the company.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
Wait, I thought that guy died?
No, that's the other guy.
But this guy fell apart
after Pete died.
- Hmm.
- They were like brothers.
Anyway, I told him
all of my secrets.
Like, I told him
everything about me.
I told him about... the begonia.
And I told him about
Danny Nussbaum.
He lasted for 17 seconds.
- I counted.
- Oh.
Oh, my god.
So, what?
He knows a few things about you.
So, what?
You don't have any secrets
from me though, do you?
I had a sex dream about my best
friend and roommate Lissy.
It's like, in there, now.
No. Of course not.
So when are you gonna move in
with Connor?
I don't know.
He's still
in his pantsless phase?
He is still.
- Hmm.
- Connor's great.
Thing's like, thing's aren't...
They're... they're not
that romantic anymore.
I think that's normal for things
to kind of slow down, and...
fade out a little like that.
But that doesn't mean
you can't spice it up.
What about doing it at work?
With him? Like, Connor would...
I don't...
It was just a suggestion.
I don't know.
Oh, hello again.
- Oh, sorry.
- Sorry.
- I'm gonna...
- Yeah, okay.
Jack will be observing
what we do,
see how we operate as a team.
And before I forget,
thank you, team...
for coming out
to last week's family picnic.
It truly meant the world to me.
And it was
an incredible opportunity
for us to meet
each other's families
and to have what I like to call,
good old-fashioned fun.
Don't fucking embarrass me.
Uh, you can just ignore me.
Really. I'm not here.
Hi! Yes, this is
Artemis Harrington in marketing.
Emma? Can you get me the, uh,
Costco brochure, please?
My assistant's coming now.
I can't, I can't reach that.
Okay, just one second.
Yeah. I still can't reach it.
Thank you so much.
That's my girl!
Don't know what we would do
without her.
I will have this...
Sent over to you right away.
Au revoir.
Um, is it always this quiet?
You know, when Pete
and I were starting out,
we talked about everything.
Um, yeah, what we were watching,
what we were listening to,
- what we were reading.
- Oh!
I am devouring a biography
on Queen Mary I of England.
Also known as Bloody Mary.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
She was, she was a feisty one.
I'm in the middle of a history
of 14th century tapestries.
- Nice!
- It's, uh...
Uh, what about you, Emma?
Weren't you reading
Great Expectations...
in your little "book club"?
I could not get through it.
So I just skimmed
the back cover.
What, uh, what do you think?
You know I, I actually,
it really resonated with me.
Which part exactly resonated?
Um, the resonances.
The resonances resonated.
I'm gonna,
I have to get back to work.
- Yeah. No, please.
- I'm really busy.
- Yeah. Okay.
- Hmm.
Too bad.
Uh, Casey, Mr. Harper.
Uh, um...
I'm sorry.
Oh, it's okay.
Just a fly on the wall.
- Uh-huh.
- Proceed.
- Okay.
- Don't. Don't proceed.
- Uh...
- I just...
I, I just came to ask Emma
if she wanted to go over
some numbers with me.
Casey comes and he asks
if I wanna go over the numbers,
but what he really means is,
"Can we go sneak out
and get some coffee."
I'm so busy right now.
I'm really, um...
This is a two-person number job.
I can't do it on my own, so...
- Uh...
- Come on.
Last time I, sort of,
I was, like, a hindrance.
No, you're the go,
you're like a human calculator.
- Casey, just...
- It's what you are.
That's, I think you should
get started on that.
I, I, I think you should
go over the numbers.
You think he knew?
Harper? About our little system?
He's, uh, he's handsome. Hm?
Yeah, he's like,
boy-band handsome.
He's tall, he's rich.
I hate him.
Jesus, Mr. Harper.
Uh, sir.
Uh, how are those numbers
working out?
I, uh, I don't want that one.
Okay, I'll take it.
Um, you know, that's...
Uh, I'm gonna take
the stairs, so I can...
Come on in.
You know,
when we were starting out,
Pete and I, we, uh,
we had a code.
One of us would ask the other
to bring him the Leopold file.
- The Leopold file?
- Yeah.
Didn't exist. It was just a...
An excuse to get away
from our desk.
Mr. Harper.
Hi. I, I, I'm Jack Harper.
Jack, uh, you're Jack Harper.
I'm Connor Martin.
Market research.
Oh, yeah.
I, uh, I'm on my way
to your presentation.
Oh, oh. I am so excited.
Well, uh, I can't wait.
Oh, you two are an item.
Do you just sense...
sense this stuff, or...
No, no, no. Um...
Have you ever found Emma's
presence here distracting?
Oh, no. No, sir.
I, I promise that when Emma
and I are at work,
she, she... we are nothing.
We are nothing.
We might as well be two eunuchs.
- Take our parts...
- Uh-huh.
Put them in separate drawers.
Leave them until 5:00 p.m.
Emma, why don't you join us?
Okay, thank you so much
for joining me today
for my presentation
on the evolving demographics
of Panda Bites.
As you know,
Panda Bites has been doing...
Badly. Very badly.
But we are hoping
to maybe turn that around
with, uh, some of the data
that we have gathered.
So, the first thing
that you should know,
is that we have discovered that
our target demographic is...
Let's look
at a typical millennial.
Oh, he's got to...
I wish I was in bed.
Suspenders... Yes.
A guitar case.
'Cause he's in a band.
His shirt has a pattern.
Okay, thank you so much.
I think we get the picture.
Um, so this is a millennial.
We, uh, interviewed
1,000 of them
form all across the country.
And we asked them
about various aspects
of Panda Bites.
What we learned
is that our, our target demo
is 18 to 35.
Uh, they drink Panda Prime
four times a day,
they eat organic
when it's available,
they go out to restaurants
on the weekends.
When they ride on the train,
they try to avoid
making eye contact with people.
Most of them would have bought
tickets to the Fyre Festival,
and most of them would've been
very upset when they found out
that the Fyre Festival
wasn't actually something.
Are you...
Wrap it up!
That's basically what we know
about the demographic
of the, uh, millennial.
Uh, we're looking forward to,
uh, investing more resources
and trying to get them
to eat Panda Bites.
Does anyone, um, have anything
to say about this?
I, actually, um.
Corrigan, then, great.
My grandpa and his friends
are obsessed with Panda Bites.
They eat them, like,
three times a day.
Um, so I thought, I don't know,
maybe we could ask them why.
Maybe there's something there
that's not being accurately...
portrayed in all of the data.
But your grandpa
is not our target demographic.
I mean, does this guy
look like a grandpa?
- Yes.
- No, look.
I think what Connor
is trying to say,
is that Panda Bites
isn't performing.
So we need to axe that.
If we are going to maximize
concept innovation,
then we need to focus..
On strategic competencies.
- Could you, um...
- Yes.
- Could you say that again.
- Absolutely, sir.
- Um...
- Not like a Harvard Professor.
From a, a strategic...
Without using
the word "strategic".
Uh, we should focus on...
what we do...
Good. Well.
Great. Like...
I don't mean to single you out,
and I appreciate
what you're doing, all of you.
It's a lot.
But Pete used to say,
"Sometimes, you just got to kiss.
Keep it simple, stupid."
That's what I would like us
to do as a company.
I thought you were
saying, "We should kiss."
- Thank you so much.
- No.
Thank you very much.
Ladies, thank you
for your input. Appreciate it.
So, uh...
It's actually pretty good.
Is he the one?
I know what you're thinking
and you're wrong.
- You sure?
- Yes.
Are, are you convincing me
or yourself?
Hey, there.
Why are you standing like that?
I want you to look at my body.
Do you have like a rash
or something, or...
No, I don't have...
I wanna look attractive for you.
I, I thought there
was some emergency.
There is.
We never make love
spontaneously anymore.
When did, when did we ever?
Oh, my gosh!
Come on!
Make love to me,
right here, right now.
Are you crazy? No!
- No, Emma!
- Well, maybe I am crazy! Like...
Isn't love supposed to make you
a little bit crazy?
Uh, like, you know, take off on
a Thursday crazy! Not, not this!
- Emma, Emma, Emma, stop. Stop.
- What?
I'm so sorry, I didn't...
Let's just not talk about it.
I just...
I was just trying
to get the spark back.
What, what, what spark?
Oh, my god.
I've been so stupid.
Yeah. You think?
- Sex in the archive room?
- Connor, this isn't working out.
What did you expect?
No. Not this, just everything.
This, us.
I don't think we're,
we're working.
You're joking, right?
Are you breaking up with me?
Because, because I,
I wouldn't have sex with you
in the archive room?
No, that's not why.
It's a bunch of reasons.
I'm everything
a woman could want.
I listen. I perform cunnilingus.
I opened up your world to jazz.
- I'm a catch, okay?
- I know, yeah. I'm really sorry.
Two, two, two seconds ago...
my, my wiener was out
in my place of business.
- Well, I don't know...
- And now you don't wanna be
- with me.
- You put your ass out
everywhere else,
I don't know what the big deal
about doing it
- in the empty archive room.
- No. No!
I put my ass out in my home,
at the gym, at the doctor's,
and at a certain yoga class
that I take
that is very specific,
welcoming, and supportive.
That's too many places, Connor!
If you would have acted like the
perfect couple for long enough,
you would've become
the perfect couple.
Yeah. But we wouldn't
have been happy.
You would've been
the perfect couple.
That is happy.
Everyone pretends
in a relationship.
Well, maybe they shouldn't.
Are you joking?
Being honest is so overrated.
My parents have been married
over 30 years
and my dad still thinks my mom
is a natural blonde.
And she's Asian.
That's so sad.
Not that she's Asian.
Relationships should
be based on truth.
- Yeah.
- And trust.
I give up.
I'm going to a baby shower.
I really can't believe it,
but it turns out
that those wrestlers,
they're actors,
and that they're not
actually fighting each other.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, I'd been watching it
- for years at that point.
- Hey, Nick!
- Yeah?
- Hey, um... Hi.
Hi. Um...
Panda Bites
is your account, right?
Till they get the boot.
Right, well until then,
can I just have,
like, a tiny little bit
of the marketing budget
to put a two-for-one ad
in a magazine?
Um... Bowling Monthly.
I have a theory to test.
Look, I think that we've been
targeting the wrong demo.
Like, I'm telling you,
my grandpa and his friends,
they're obsessed
with Panda Bites.
Somebody's obsessed
with their grandpa.
I'm going.
Nick, please.
I don't know.
I won't tell anyone
what happened
at Chuck's retirement party.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
- Uh-huh.
- Thank you.
Jack Harper's assistant called,
wants you to bring
the Leopold file to his office.
Uh, yeah, guys, I'm gonna say
that you're way off base
on this one.
Jan, I'm gonna go
and hand this over to you.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Hey, uh, come in.
- Yeah.
What does this look like to you?
Panda and a... cockroach?
It's actually... ovaries
with some panda eyes.
- So, yeah.
- Okay.
Would you buy this...
if it was on a product
of some kind?
Is it a product for my ovaries?
No, it's not.
No. That's the right answer.
That's the right answer, yeah.
It's terrible.
- Anyway. Hi.
- Hi.
Um, I brought you the,
the Leopold file.
You made an actual Leopold file.
Well, I didn't want...
if I dropped it,
I didn't want anyone to see
that there was nothing in there.
"From the office
of Ernest P. Leopold.
Six thousand cases
of Panda Prime."
Wow, that's,
that's quite the customer.
That's right.
"May I add that I am delighted"
with all aspects
of your company,
and have taken
to starting my day
with a bowl of Panda Pebbles.
"Which is the best cereal
I've ever had."
Wow. This is...
This is amazing.
Pete would've,
he would've loved this.
- Thank you.
- Of course.
Um, do you wanna,
do you wanna sit down?
So, um...
I, I heard you
and Connor broke up.
- I'm sorry. Are, are you okay?
- Yeah.
I'm fine. I think,
you know, it's for the best.
It'll be good to be single.
- Right.
- Mm-hm.
Right. Yeah, um...
Yeah. Sure, okay.
Um, well, I guess...
Maybe now is not the...
best time to ask, um... What?
Well, I was, I was,
I was wondering if you...
wanted to, um...
I, I was gonna ask you... Date?
- Uh...
- I was gonna say dinner.
But sure, yeah, uh...
Would you, would you want to?
Yeah, sure.
How's tonight?
All right, um, okay.
- Great.
- Great.
- Great.
- Thank you so much.
- Okay.
- Uh...
- Huh?
- Lissy, please?
- No. I said no!
- Please.
Please, I need to impress him.
I can't think of anything else.
The key...
"The key shall
not be transferred
to any non-member
under any circumstances."
Please. I will owe you big time,
like, I will love you forever,
- and I will cook you dinner.
- Okay.
- For two years.
- Stop. Just stop.
- It's making me grind more.
- Thank you.
- Don't lose it.
- I love you. Thank you. I won't.
I won't, and I'm gonna do
the same thing for you
when I'm the member
of an exclusive club.
- I promise.
- Thank you.
That's where it was
the whole time?
In the cork bowl?
Yeah, right under our noses.
That's it?
Why is it so small?
I don't know.
Just show it at the door.
Wait, do you remember
the password?
- Blake.
- Chad.
Chad! Of course, I knew
it was like a douchey name.
Is that him?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Sorry, I know I'm early,
I just, I, I hate being late,
and I didn't know... traffic.
I do that all the time, too.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Anyway, I'm not totally ready.
Do you wanna wait here
and then...
Oh, um, I can just wait,
I can just wait with you.
- Yeah.
- If that's okay?
Yeah, sure. Yeah, totally.
- Okay.
- Come on in, please.
After you.
Um, so this is my, um, roommate
and best friend, Lissy.
- Hi.
- That's Toots.
- Jack.
- Lissy.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, hey, Toots.
Oh, uh, roommate?
I've, uh, heard a lot about you.
- Have you?
- Yes.
Did you know
that I grind my teeth?
No, it's a genetic condition.
- So that's why I've...
- Oh.
- I didn't expect you to...
- Oh, no. It's okay.
- It's nice to meet you.
- Yeah, I mean...
Thank you. Yeah. You too.
So this is your world, huh?
"Beacon's closet."
Oh, cool.
Wow. It's, uh, bright.
That is the happiest dog
I think I've ever seen.
- Right?
- Is he actually smiling?
- Dogs smile.
- Oh.
- "Adopt, don't shop."
- That one does.
Sorry about that.
Putting it on do not disturb.
There, for emergencies only.
All right, well, I'm ready.
If you're ready.
- Yeah.
- Okay, great.
- Let's go.
- Great.
Bye, Toots.
Bye, guys.
I know your itinerary.
Yeah, it's just,
you know, weird street.
All right, well,
an evening out, Emma-style.
What does this, I mean,
what does this look like?
Well, I thought we could
be spontaneous,
- you know.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hi. Hi.
- Hm.
Um, is, uh, can I talk to Chad?
Um, Chad? Chad.
Uh, the key. I know it's small.
Um, but, can... is Chad
to come in? Chad?
Is it?
Uh, are you sure
this is the right address?
Hold on, I'm, it's... This is...
Just... I'm just gonna ask.
I was just, has this got a bar?
This, do you know
if there's a bar nearby?
You want a drink?
- Lose deputy dipshit...
- You know what,
- I think we're good.
- Thank you, no. I think...
- I'm sorry. Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
Maybe we'll come back.
I could have sworn it was here.
It's like this really cool club,
it's so cool.
And like, tons of celebrities
go there, and it's just like...
I thought this was where it was.
Um, okay.
Well, do you want me
to call a car?
No, no, no. Don't.
It's, I mean...
- All right. Um...
- We'll find it.
Are you hungry?
- I'm starving.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Do you like falafel?
- Oh. Oh.
- Oh, my god.
Are you kidding me?
Here. I don't, I'm...
I wanna be helpful.
- Well, here, I, uh...
- I'm abandoning it.
I don't blame you.
God, I haven't been here
in so long.
Pete used to drag me out
this way a lot.
I guess since he's passed,
I, um...
It's nice to be here again.
And for a night that...
didn't go according to plan.
It went sort of, wrong.
- This is, uh...
- So embarrassing. No.
No. It's, uh...
No, it's perfect.
It's okay.
What do we do? Plan B?
Back to Chicago?
Yeah. Bye.
Is everything all right?
It's just complicated.
Well, maybe I can help.
Like, I'm really, really good
at giving advice.
Like, I'm way better at giving
advice than taking advice.
Yeah, I just, like...
I can't.
I understand
if you have to leave.
No. Like, I wanted to...
I wanted to spend
an evening with you, and...
and that's what I'm doing.
You could have any woman.
Yeah, but I want you.
- That was so douchey!
- No!
What I meant to say... Is...
Maybe you're not the only one
looking for an earthquake.
How do you remember that?
I mean, you remember everything
that I said on the plane.
Like, why would someone like you
be interested in my...
boring little life?
Emma, you, you are anything
but boring.
Ever since you started talking
on that plane...
I was gripped.
You were gripped?
I was gripped.
- Oh, shit.
- What? What?
Rock-hard abs.
I don't...
- I don't know any tricks.
- What?
Like, I know you've had sex
with millions of, of, like,
supermodels and, like...
and like, models, and...
and, and gymnasts, and...
- like, I don't know any tricks.
- Okay.
Yeah, I don't know
any tricks, either.
- Okay.
- Maybe one.
That was a hell of a trick.
You're, like,
the most successful person
that I have ever met
in real life.
And you're like so...
hot and, and handsome,
and charming.
And you have rock-hard abs.
Okay. Okay.
It's ridiculous.
- Like you were made in a lab.
- Mm-mm.
And I'm just entirely flawed.
That's not true.
And I am not flawless,
I promise you.
- Yes, you are.
- I am not.
Name one defect.
One blemish. You have none.
Okay. Well, um...
- Actually, no, um...
- What?
- Um...
- What? -Okay.
Okay, fine. I'm, I'm gonna tell
you something but, it...
You have to promise
you will not tell anybody.
I have syndactyly.
- only sometimes contagious.
- What?
I'm kidding.
It's a, it's a joke.
- It's a...
- What is that?
- It's just... it's a joke.
- What is that?
It's... okay. Calm down.
Calm down.
- I'm calm.
- Just, just...
You can't just spring something
like that on me.
Just, just... Just look. What?
- What are we looking at?
- My foot.
Oh, thank god.
That's skinflactly?
No, it's syndactyly.
It's, uh, it's, it's not
a webbed feet situation.
It's like a two-headed toe.
Look at it, it's not...
- it's just, it's one...
- You have webbed feet!
It's one toe.
- Well, it's two toes...
- Jack Harper
- has webbed feet!
- But it's one toe.
No, I don't! I have, oh, my god.
Have I...
- Jack Harper is deformed.
- You, shush.
- Jack Harper is hideous.
- No.
Jack Harper is a hideous beast.
It's all been a lie.
He is everything
that I didn't have with Connor.
He's interested in me.
It's amazing.
That's hideous.
Okay, dating 101.
Never let a man
know your feelings.
Didn't your mom
teach you anything?
Well, it's too late.
He already knows
absolutely everything.
Okay, well,
he'll never respect you.
Oh, sure, he will.
I'm trying to get the shot.
- Trying to get the shot.
- Well...
I'm trying to give her
this sherry.
This is a disaster.
- Unless...
- What?
You use it
to get that promotion.
Are you kidding me?
I would never do that.
I'm washing my hands of this.
I have to go meet my grandma
for dinner.
Oh, and don't even think about
borrowing any of my clothes.
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Come on.
- Yeah.
- Oh! Oh my god, are you okay?
- Oh! Thank you!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You're taller than usual.
- Yeah.
Okay, okay, so then what?
So then, I went around
to the side of the house...
and I ate the entire thing.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, wow.
How's this fucking thing work?
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Oh! Oh, my god.
So how did you
and Pete Laddler start Panda?
Um, I'm so sorry.
Oh, I like this one!
"You'll gain new insights
this week."
- Huh.
- I like that.
Oh, here's one for you.
"You will learn
to share yourself with others."
Mmm. Hmm.
When I was growing up,
I took it for granted
that I would always love myself.
But sometimes, I feel like...
Like I haven't done
enough to deserve it.
And that's really scary.
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I'm crying.
It's okay.
I don't know why
I told you that.
Hey. Hey.
You deserve it.
I'm in love!
Are you here?
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
No, no, no.
Emma. Open up.
I'm really sorry.
- We weren't having sex.
- Okay.
- No, we weren't.
- Sure.
No. I'd...
We were dancing.
What are you wearing?
What do you mean?
Why, this is what dancers wear.
I am in this group, um...
Just a bunch of lawyers,
uh, got together,
- and we formed a dance group.
- Dancing lawyers?
Yeah. And one judge.
That's great.
I don't know why
you didn't tell me that.
- 'Cause you would laugh?
- No.
Well, I'm really relieved
I didn't see you having sex.
Yeah, me too.
But it's also really a shame...
'cause I thought
we were both having
sweaty, passionate,
marathon sex.
Twice last night...
and once this morning.
And I'm in love with him.
- I love him.
- Wow. Whoa.
Has he told you anything
about himself?
Why are you lawyering me?
- Stop.
- Okay.
I'm just curious
whether he's sharing himself
with you.
Look, I know that he's like
a really private person,
but I think he's gonna start
opening up, because...
I opened up first.
Men and women, they should
just be honest with each other
right from the start.
Like, all of this being aloof...
and mysterious stuff.
It's total bullshit.
Everyone should just tell
their secrets
to each other right away.
- Okay?
- Toots knows.
Right, Toots?
Jack Harper's about
to do an interview,
and we're all going to watch
from the conference room.
I'm joined by Jack Harper,
who founded Panda Prime
with Pete Laddler in 2010.
Those guys were just 25
when the company went public,
and Pete was always...
The outgoing type.
But you were the man
behind the scenes,
but no more, my friend.
Tell me, how did things change
after he died?
Uh, it was,
it was really tough...
uh, for all of us. We...
We used to do this together.
Um, but I'm,
I'm enjoying work again. I'm...
finding new inspiration.
You've taken the organic energy
food market by storm.
And now I hear you're looking
to get into women's health.
Well, we, we plan on
a full line of products.
Um, starting
with some amazing supplements.
We wanna continue our mission
of getting affordable, organic
products into the mainstream.
All right.
Who's your target market?
Just the girl on the street.
How can Panda tap in to that...
girl on the street?
Well, uh...
what we would like to think,
and I like to think,
I know something
about that girl.
Go on.
Um, you know, we're surrounded
these days by these...
perfect and polished
and airbrushed
images and ideas of women.
But this girl, she's um...
She's real.
She hates high heels.
She'd rather go barefoot.
You know, she, she chews her gum
without shame.
She's not afraid
to drink wine out of the bottle.
She likes clothes,
but she's not fashion-forward.
Maybe she wears a pair of jeans
with a flower in her hair.
She reads a dozen horoscopes
and then chooses which one
to believe.
She loves animals,
especially the ones
that no one else wants.
Oh, my god. It's Emma.
She loves Abba,
but she hates jazz.
She scans
the backs of classics...
and then pretend
that she's read them.
I knew you had never read
Great Expectations.
She cries every time
that she hears "Demons"
by Imagine Dragons.
Oh, wow.
She sleeps
with a My Little Ponybedspread.
Oh, my god.
She has fears and worries
and deep insecurities.
And she doesn't feel like
she deserves love.
I'm sorry.
I, uh... I got carried away.
We can edit
some of that out, right?
We're live, so... nope.
Jack Harper,
thank you for joining us.
Are you screwing Jack Harper?
I'm so sorry.
I can't imagine what
you're going through right now.
I've never been so humiliated.
Everyone was laughing at me.
What did I say?
Never let a man know
anything about you.
I know.
You were right.
I just should
have kept my mouth shut,
and none of this
would have happened.
Oh, my god. It's him.
Don't pick up.
No. Answer it.
Otherwise, he'll think he won.
I don't ever want
to talk to you,
or see you, or hear you.
- Or...
- Taste you.
Or touch you, ever again.
Yes, bitch,
step into your power.
All right. Now...
it's time to get even.
I don't know. I don't...
Come on, Emma, just do,
do something like, um...
key his car, or shred his suits,
or something just a,
a little something
to just, like,
send him a message.
You know,
instill that fear in him.
If you wanna get back at him...
just reveal his secrets.
That's, that's actually
a really good idea.
I don't know any of his secrets.
You don't know any of them?
Lissy was right.
Our relationship
was completely one-sided.
Like, he knew everything
about me,
and I knew nothing about him.
- Nothing at all?
- No.
He, he has like...
he has skindylactfootly.
It's like webbed feet.
Like, two toes fused together.
Oh, yeah. I get it. I get it.
But it's, he still has his toes,
they're just like...
- Yeah, I, it's not right.
- It's like a hoof?
Yeah, kind of like a hoof.
- Sorta.
- It's a, it's a deformity.
- You can't make fun of that.
- But it's fine,
- because you just wear socks.
- Mm-hm.
- Like a special sock?
- No, no.
Okay, well, anything else?
He was in Chicago.
Chicago. Okay.
He didn't want me
to tell anyone.
And he was like very, very
adamant that I not tell anyone.
And I overheard him say
something about, like, um,
a Plan B.
Wait, that's, that's it?
Plan B?
Not exactly a kill shot.
I'm so sorry.
Things are just so...
You okay?
I mean, if I had gone through
what you went through,
with everyone...
seeing and knowing all that,
I would...
just wither away to my death.
I would literally figure out
a way to make a time machine,
so I could go back in time.
But like, not our time,
like, my ancestor's time,
so I could just wipe out
my whole lineage.
Done. You know?
Yeah. Yeah, I, I... I mean...
- Ditto.
- Emma.
Oh, my god.
- Uh, Emma?
- No. Don't look at him.
Don't look... Just look at me.
Just pretend
- that he's not here.
- Oh.
- He's right there.
- No. Look at me.
Don't. Just pretend.
Can we talk?
No. There is nothing
to talk about.
I just wanna try to explain.
- What? How you betrayed her?
- Casey.
Casey, just... Casey.
- I'm sorry for yelling at you.
- Hey, Casey.
Mr. Harper, my boss.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna go.
- No, no, no.
- No. Get...
- Hey, hey, hey. Look at me.
- Just...
Look, hey. You got this.
If you hurt her, I'll kill you.
I am so sorry.
Everyone was laughing at me.
You, you humiliated me.
I know, I know. They, they,
they asked me that question,
they caught me off guard
and I, and I, I panicked.
You broke your promise.
You told me that you would die
with my secrets.
I fucked up.
I am so sorry.
Do you have any idea
how violated I felt?
Is it, is it really that bad
for people to know
the truth about you?
Are you kidding me?
You haven't told me
anything about you.
You think that your secrets
are more important than mine.
No. That's not true.
Then why don't you tell me
what you were doing in Chicago?
Why don't you tell me
what you were answering
all those phone calls for?
Look, it's really hard for me
to trust people.
Okay? I've been burned a lot.
Look, I get that.
But I can't be the only one
who's being vulnerable in this.
Goodbye, Jack.
I saw Jack.
Oh, tell me
you didn't go to him.
No. He came to me to apologize.
What did he say?
He said that he fucked up,
that he thinks his secrets
are more important than mine.
Oh, hell no!
Okay, well,
if they're so important,
then you got to find out
what they are and expose them.
I don't know what he's hiding.
Maybe he's with another woman.
Do you think
he's with another woman?
No, no. I don't...
I don't know. I don't know.
What else would he be hiding?
It doesn't matter
whether he is, or he's not.
No. It does matter.
And you need to get revenge.
He needs to pay.
I know a guy.
What? Are you gonna
have him whacked?
No. He's a tabloid reporter
I hooked up with on Tinder.
I'll take care of it, you know.
She's crazy.
I can't just tree-stand here
and watch you suffer.
I don't want revenge.
I just want closure.
That's just another fancy word
for revenge.
No, it's a different
word entirely.
You need to have
that ready for launch
and do three copies.
Well, look who's here.
- Nick.
- Yeah, boss?
Can you explain to me why,
for the love of god,
you would put a coupon ad
for Panda Bites...
in Bowling Monthly Magazine?
It was actually, uh...
Well, I have the numbers.
And despite
the shit-show circulation,
they're off the charts.
Well, that's great.
Good job.
- It was a bit of a gamble.
- Okay.
But, um...
I thought it was time
to experiment with the new...
- Demographic.
- Smart.
Excellent. Well, it paid off.
Wait, wait, wait. Sorry.
No, I'm not sorry.
That was my idea.
That was entirely my idea, Nick.
Well, uh, we may have...
discussed it, but you, you know,
marketing is all about teamwork.
- We're sitting here as a team.
- It's not.
It wasn't teamwork.
You were gonna axe Panda Bites.
I told you I knew we were just
marketing to the wrong demo.
Because everything
is marketed to millennials.
You make something cool
for the older crowd,
they're gonna show up for it.
Not bad, Corrigan.
Thank you.
- Nick.
- Yeah.
Don't you ever pass off
someone else's idea
as your own again.
All right.
- Anything else?
- So can I have my promotion?
You told me
that I could have a promotion
if I made my own opportunities,
and I think
that I did that here.
And I have put everything
into this job.
And I think
that I've proven myself now,
and I think that I deserve
a promotion.
Fair enough.
All righty. Meeting done.
Well, I guess
that's what happens
when you sleep with the boss.
Corrigan. We need to talk.
I know Jack Harper
to be a decent man.
I have one thing
to ask you, Corrigan.
- Was it your choice?
- Yes.
When I met him, I didn't
even know he worked here.
I think it's important that...
that you know that as a woman,
you have to work twice as hard
as everyone else
to be taken seriously.
And this is gonna make it
that much harder,
because everyone's
going to assume
that everything you get
is because you slept
with the boss.
But you earned it.
- Okay?
- Yes.
Don't tell anyone I did that.
- I got the promotion.
- See?
That's great news.
So, Emma...
I need to ask you a question.
- Sure.
- It's a sex question.
Were you always honest
with me in that department?
Oh, kill me now, God.
Connor, I'm, I'm...
Please, I wanna learn
from my mistakes.
Oh, my god.
Okay, um...
There was that one, like...
that one thing that you did
with your tongue,
like the slidy thing.
The slide down or the slide in?
The slide, it's both.
It's a little bit
not in the right... spot.
You show me
what it should look like.
What I would imagine, I think,
- you find the right spot.
- Right.
And then... Okay.
- You can also, like that.
- Oh, with the fingers?
And then, yeah, yeah.
You find the clitoris.
Yeah, but not...
- Oh, not the side to side?
- Not that.
- Oh, I thought it was fun.
- It's bizarre
and then you miss the spot.
Are we stuck?
Well, Emma, I fully believe
that you deserve happiness,
and I hope that Jack is
as generous a lover as I was.
Yeah, you know
the clause four sets.
Yeah. I wrote clause four.
Dude, dude, that's clause eight.
Come on, man... My god.
You look amazing.
So beautiful!
Where's your outfit?
It's backstage.
I can't do this.
- What?
- I can't do this.
I don't wanna do this.
I don't...
I'm, I'm way too nervous.
- No, everyone feels that way.
- I don't wanna do this.
I feel bad.
I feel like I'm gonna throw up
and shit, and like...
It's totally normal.
Here, look.
Look at the dancing judge.
Look, if he can do it,
then you can do it.
- He's really good.
- Yeah. He is.
And so are you.
You can do this.
Trust me, you can do this.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- I love you.
- I love you.
What are you doing here?
I, um...
I saw the flyer you put up
at the office.
Look, I came here to tell you
that you were right.
I should have shared
a lot more with you.
I was in Chicago...
because I was visiting someone.
- A girl.
- A woman.
No. It's... It's actually...
Um, a little girl.
Her name's Alice. She's, um.
She's four years old.
You have a daughter?
No. Um... She's my goddaughter.
She was Pete's.
She's cute.
I didn't know
that he had a daughter.
Yeah, um, nobody really does.
We're trying to keep her
out of the spotlight.
There was a tabloid
snooping around,
and I had to kill the story.
That's your big secret?
It doesn't seem
like much, but...
This kid...
she means the world to me.
And, and I just want her
to have a normal life.
I'm sorry
that I didn't tell you.
You don't have to be sorry.
Look, only a handful of people
know about her.
A very special...
trusted handful.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the house is now open.
- I should probably...
- Yeah.
Sit down.
Well, thanks.
Thanks for keeping this
to yourself. I...
I know that you knew how
important it was to me, so...
Yeah, of course. No. It's okay.
Do you wanna maybe...
watch a bunch of lawyers
find their inner artists?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Yeah. Sounds good.
Oh, my god, that's Lissy.
She's remarkable.
My god, you were so amazing!
I had no idea you could dance.
Yeah. Hi.
- Hi, you were so good.
- Um, thanks.
Thank you for coming.
I mean, I totally messed up,
I was definitely...
Stop. I wanna hear you say,
"I was magical",
because you were magical.
Okay. I was, I was magical.
That's right.
- Thank you for being here.
- Of course.
- Oh.
- I wanna take your picture.
You look beautiful.
- Shit, I left my bag.
- Oh. Your bag.
- I'll, I'll get it.
- Okay. Are you sure?
- Yeah.
- Okay. Thank you.
He came to talk to me.
- Okay.
- He came to tell me his secret.
- Okay. What is it?
- I can't tell you.
- Emma.
- I'm sorry, I can't.
- After all that?
- I can't.
This is Mick fromThe Enquirer.
If you could just state
your name.
Okay, can you please leave?
There's been like,
a huge misunderstanding.
- What?
- Is she Emma Corrigan?
Yes. She is Emma Corrigan,
and she needs to get back
at Jack Harper.
- You have to, you have to...
- Hi.
- You have to leave right now.
- Wait, wait.
- Don't talk yet.
- No, stop.
Let me hit record.
Just tell me everything
- you know about Jack Harper.
- Please, just go.
She doesn't have
to tell you anything.
America wants to hear
this story.
Can you go, please?
You know, there's a lot of money
to be made in this.
There's no money to be made,
there's no story.
Jack Harper needs
to learn his lesson.
Lissy, please,
can you do something?
- Guys, just go.
- I'm a lawyer.
- No, no, no.
- Go. Just stop.
Mr. Harper, can you confirm
that you were on a flight
from Chicago
with Miss Corrigan?
What's going on?
- Just wanna get a photo.
- She's getting her revenge.
- That is what's going on.
- Stop. No. Jack!
- Jack, one more question.
- Stop it!
Jack, wait. Wait!
So that's why you pressed me
on Chicago?
No. They don't know anything.
- You have to believe me.
- Except the one thing
I asked you to keep private.
- No, Jack.
- You wonder why
- I don't trust people.
- I was hurt and I was angry.
Emma, you sold my secret.
I didn't.
I... just... No, Jack. Please.
- You have to believe me.
- Go finish your interview.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to flight 810
with service to Chicago.
We have a full flight tonight,
so please take your seats
as quickly as possible.
- Thank you.
- Hi.
Cybill told me you were leaving.
I need to tell you something
before they send me to my seat.
I didn't tell that guy anything.
I would never ever,
ever do that.
In my whole life,
I always based
my value in myself...
off of what other people
thought of me.
I completely lost sight
of who I was.
And then I met you.
And I told you everything
about me.
I told you all of my secrets.
And, you didn't leave.
Even though you knew
all of my goofiness,
and my weirdness,
and all of my...
fears and my insecurities.
You didn't leave.
And I didn't know anything
about you.
But it didn't matter,
because I knew your heart.
You made me believe
that I could be loved
just by being myself.
You made me believe
that the only way to be loved
was by being myself.
And that is amazing.
Excuse me. You're in my seat.
I'm sorry.
I'm afraid of the dark.
Always have been.
I, I keep a baseball bat
under my bed just in case.
I have a fake tooth.
I cracked mine trying
to open a beer bottle
to impress a girl in college.
I lost my virginity to a girl
named Lisa Greenwood...
in her uncle's barn.
And like a true, true loser,
I asked if I could keep her bra
as a souvenir.
Do you wanna switch seats
with me?
It's uh, you know, first class.
Oh, hell yes.
- Hold these.
- Oh, sure.
Watch it.
Thank you.
I have always wished
that I was two inches taller.
Usually, when I sit
in board meetings,
I look around and I think...
"Who the hell are these people?"
I met a girl...
on a plane.
And my entire life changed.
I'm absolutely...
completely in love with her.
I got a lot more to tell you.
But, not all of it is pretty.
- You okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Yeah.
Yeah. I'm just, um...
kind of, really afraid
of flying.
A lot afraid of flying, yeah.
Just keep talking.