Canadian Bacon (1995) Movie Script
God bless America again
You must know
the trouble that she's in
Wash her pretty face
Dry her eyes and then
God bless America again
You know
I wish God
would bless America again
Like he did way back there
When it all began
He blessed her then
But we sort of
took it for granted
And didn't ask again
So let's just kinda
hold her hand now
That's all
In case she stumbles
Let's don't let her fall
MALE TV HOST:
Let's go live to
TV 10's Kelly Breen.
KELLY: It's a big day
in Niagara Falls, New York,
where the presidential
motorcade
will pass by
in a few moments.
The turnout is pretty much
nonexistent,
which is rather surprising.
This is the first time
a president has been
here since 1901,
when William McKinley
stopped by and was shot.
God bless America again
You must know
the trouble that she's in
Wash her pretty face
Dry her eyes and then
God bless America again
I don't understand
everything I read and hear
About what's wrong
with America
When you don't have
a lot of book learning
There's many things
you don't understand
But I know this much
She's like a mother to me
I love her
with all my heart
And let me tell you this,
Mister
Everything I am
or ever hope to be
I owe to her
KELLY: Topping the President's
agenda today will be a speech
at the recently closed
Hacker Defense Plant.
Hacker was closed,
10,000 employees laid off
due to the end
of the Cold War,
which rendered useless
the military supplies
they produced there.
The public
is being encouraged
to not only and listen
to the President's speech,
but also
pick up on a bargain.
There are some good deals
left on items
ranging from missiles
to light armament.
One of those laid-off
employees this morning
had quite an altercation.
This ex-Hacker employee
is trying to deface
the image of R.J. Hacker,
the chairman
of that company.
He got away before
he could be apprehended.
God bless America again
You must know
the trouble that she's in
Wash her pretty face
Dry her eyes and then
God bless America again
Oh, please
God bless America again
(MUFFLED LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHING)
Shit!
(APPROACHING SIRENS)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
KELLY:
Meanwhile, in other news,
due to
the record number
of laid-off workers
jumping to their death
in Niagara Falls,
the City Council has just
approved an incentive program.
Sheriff's deputies who talk
someone out of jumping
will be getting $25.
If they go in
to retrieve the body,
they'll be getting $50.
Jump!
Jump! Jump!
What'll this one make?
Uh...
The third one today.
Uh, ninth this week.
Man,
are we racking
up the grief bonus!
450 bucks, and the
week's not over yet.
Stick with me, Honey.
Things keep going
like this,
we'll make what we
used to make at Hacker.
You know it.
What's this guy
doing up there?
(GRUNTING)
It's a free country.
He doesn't like it here,
he can swim to Canada.
A lot of work there.
Shut up and
look at this.
Hey, isn't that...
It's our good friend,
Roy Boy.
Jump!
No, no! He's wearing
my good hat!
Let's help him out.
Great.
Don't jump, Roy Boy,
don't jump!
Help is on the way!
(GUN FIRING)
Huh?
Nice shootin'!
All right!
Who did this?
Medic.
That was a beautiful thing
you just did, Honey.
God, I love you.
Just kidding.
I was kidding.
ROY BOY:
Let me get
this straight.
You shot me
because I didn't
want to go on living?
Yeah.
You want me
to finish the job?
Relax, Honey. Roy Boy,
would you please pipe down?
I was trying to make
a statement about
our plight.
At least
the plight of those
whose uncle ain't the mayor.
Don't you mention my
Uncle Jack.
You're thinking nepotism.
I took that test and
passed it fair and square.
What about handing her a job?
I'm your buddy.
Don't you mention Honey
like that.
Look, you guys,
my life
has been complete hell
since Hacker laid me off.
We know how you feel.
We all feel
the same way.
We've all made
big changes in our life
since the plant
closed down.
That's right.
If life
hands you a lemon,
crush it into lemonade.
That's
positive thinking.
Come on, smile.
Just what makes
that little ol' ant
Think he'd move
that rubber tree plant
BOTH:
Everyone knows an ant
Can't
Move a rubber tree plant
'Cause he's got
Roy Boy, sing!
ALL: High hopes
He's got
High hopes
He's got
High-apple-pie-
in-the-sky hopes
So any time
you're feelin' low
Instead of lettin' go
Just remember that ant
Woops, there goes
another rubber tree
Woops, there goes
another rubber tree
Woops, there goes
another rubber tree plant
Ker-plop!
President here yet,
Riley?
Officer Riley.
Oh, sure. Sorry.
You fellas need
any backup here,
Officer Riley?
I don't think so,
Sheriff.
Okay.
You finding
a lot of roadkill
this year, Sheriff?
We get to keep what we find.
Forgive me.
Where are my manners?
This is my woman deputy,
Honey.
Honey's been a real asset
since she got her parole.
Next, I have an unused,
air-delivered,
chemical weapon.
Guaranteed death
within three minutes.
What do I hear for this
miracle of modern science?
Do I hear...
Spread 'em, or I'll
blow your brains out.
Where the hell
you guys been?
Pulling stiffs
out of the Falls.
You promised
I could pull the
stiffs out this time.
I need the money.
We never got the $50.
We stopped Roy Boy
from jumping off.
What? You're jumping off
the Falls now?
I was making
a statement.
Stop with the
statement thing.
Get us a beer.
I do love
an auction.
What do I hear for this
beautiful, wire-guided,
uranium-tipped
fire-and-forget thing?
Who'll give me $1,000?
1,000, 1,000, 1,000?
$500, then.
Have $500 anyone?
$500, my ass.
Come on,
ladies and gentlemen.
Built right here
in Niagara Falls.
You can own one.
You built it.
You can own it now.
300, 300, 300, 4.
400, 400, 400, 400, 5.
Can we get out of here?
All these
guns and white people
are making me nervous.
Ease off with that
"white people" stuff.
You got me
looking at 'em funny.
I've got 25, 26, 25, 26.
Sold! $25.
All right.
Here you go.
AUCTIONEER:
Next, we have...
(SIRENS WAILING)
Pardon me.
Out of the way.
Let me by.
Anyone!
Could I have
$100, please?
Give me
that microphone.
I reckon
all of you know me.
I'm R.J. Hacker,
and I own Hacker Dynamics
and Hacker Aerospace,
Time-Hacker,
Hacker-Upjohn,
and a bunch of others
I don't even remember,
and you don't care.
You're upset because
I closed this plant
and put you
out on the street.
Well, I want you to know
I'm upset, too.
In fact, I get choked up
thinking about it.
(SIRENS WAILING)
ALL: Boo! Boo!
Shit.
Pill-popping freaks.
Look at this trash.
Just garbage.
Human garbage.
Look. That's what
we get for kicking butt
in every goddamn
corner of the world.
Why do we have to be
here at these closings?
General, we're here
to show the people
that we care.
Let's put on
a happy face,
shall we?
Used to be that you
had your Russian reds,
your Cuban red,
Hollywood red.
Here a red,
there a red,
everywhere a red red.
E-I-E-I-O.
But it kept us on our toes.
We didn't know
who to mistrust,
but we had
to defend ourselves.
You had good jobs
to put meat on the table.
But today we find ourselves
being destroyed
not by the reds,
but by a bunch
of shortsighted,
bleeding-heart,
penny-pinching
Washington wimps.
Who is this guy?
R.J. Hacker, sir.
How about some credit?
I'm the only president who
hasn't gotten us into a war.
I think that's his point, sir.
You have yet to send
our boys into battle.
Where?
Nobody's bothering us.
Send them anywhere,
sir.
Guaranteed 30-point
boost in the polls.
Well,
I'm not going
to start a war
just to increase
my popularity.
What can I do
for 20 points?
HACKER: ...makes me
want to commit acts
I cannot utter in public.
Here he is now.
The man that
a thin majority of you
chose to be President
of the United States.
(BAND PLAYS HAIL TO THE CHIEF)
(AUDIENCE SILENT)
Stu.
Little hard
on the leader
of the free world,
don't you think?
It's just
what he deserved.
This peace ain't all
it's cracked up to be.
Especially if we keep
laying off thousands
of voters.
What would you suggest
we do to keep these
factories open?
Should I call up
the Russians,
see if they want
to get back into it?
Don't you get
sarcastic with me,
you little pissant!
You just had an idea
that I liked!
I want you
to follow up on it.
See to it that those
Russkies get back in
the Cold War mode.
If you don't, you'll go
right back where I found you.
Now, don't make decisions.
Just do it.
PRESIDENT:
I want to thank you
for that great welcome.
You provided the power
to win the Cold War
for the United States
of America.
If we could take what
we spent on just one
day of the Cold War,
we could put our children
through school for the year.
Now's our chance to do it.
Time to turn off that
war machine and turn
on our children.
Turn...
Turn on our children.
The time has come,
fortunately,
for us to
beat our swords
into plowshares.
Excuse me.
Do you work here?
You work here?
I want
to get a copy
of the speech.
A transcript
or something?
And you are...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sheriff Bud Boomer,
Niagara County.
And your handle is?
What?
Your name? Your name.
Stuart Smiley,
the president's
National Security Advisor.
(WHISTLES)
Stu, you're just the
guy we wanted to see.
Can you give us a deal
at our sheriff's department?
We're looking for...
What do you call them?
The M-16
40-millimeter
grenade launchers.
Flash,
fragmentation,
incendiary illumination,
and smoke.
To go, please.
Are we putting on a play?
It's for civil
disturbances only.
"How many times
"must the cannonballs fly"
WOMAN: You tell us.
"Before they're forever
banned?"
MAN: Ugh.
"The answer, my friend,
"is blowin' in the wind.
"The answer, my friend..."
(GUN FIRING)
Okay. I'm in command here.
Stay calm.
Get off me!
MAN: The sheriff has
the eagle covered.
It's an honor to meet you.
I'm sorry I didn't
vote for you.
I had to stay home.
The cable installers
said they'd come...
Get off me.
Pardon?
Get off me!
I'm sorry. Sure.
Oh, God.
Good thing for you
the President liked me.
Otherwise, you'd
be in big trouble.
Right.
You must be really
important, Boomer.
You see
Cops last night?
I wouldn't miss it.
They kept
the camera running
while they were
waling away on
those guys.
Whack, whack,
whack, whack!
Oh, it was awesome!
Ooh!
You think we're ever
gonna be on Cops?
Damn right we will.
Wait'll they see me
throwing myself on
that grenade.
You threw the President
on the grenade.
Well, whatever.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
STU:
Morning, Mr. President.
GENERAL:
Morning, sir.
I have the results
from the overnight
tracking.
Care to hear the damage?
Yeah. I can take it.
It's good news, sir.
Immediately after
the assassination
attempt,
we got a 15-point boost
in the national polls.
Okay.
They dropped off
considerably
once word got out
that you were still alive.
But the initial massive
gains the Dow Jones made
after the assassination
bulletin
held for the entire
business day.
That's good news.
GENERAL:
According to this,
rumors that you were
clinically dead
for five minutes,
and returned to life
boosted your rating
with the religious right.
That's good.
But the voters felt that
your being alive or dead
had no real bearing
on their daily lives.
You can take that
a couple of ways.
With all due respect,
sir,
enjoy your single term.
You know, it's not fair.
Every other president
had the Russians to
blame for everything.
What have I got?
It is really
too bad that the Russians
are no longer in the game.
They weren't much fun
anyway.
Never got to kill any.
But without them,
you and your friends
would've had
to get real jobs.
That isn't funny,
Stu. Stu's got a point.
What point, sir?
You got a point, too.
My point
is that Russia
is in such shambles,
they couldn't
sissy-slap us
if they tried.
Well, they still have
all those missiles
lying around.
20,473, to be exact.
Are you kidding?
One of their breakaway
republics, Kazakhstan,
is the third-ranking
nuclear power in the world.
Are you kidding?
Most Americans don't know
where Kazakhstan is.
My travel agent
can't find it.
I can imagine why.
What do you want
to do about Russia?
Let's find out
who's in charge
over there this week.
STU: Vladimir Krushkin.
Vlad. I like him.
That's good.
Let's ask him to come over.
We can have a summit thing.
Maybe we can work
something out like before.
That's an excellent idea.
Super idea, sir.
We got
a contingency plan.
Good.
We'll bring it right in.
Good, good.
Look at the treacherous
bastards.
Once a commie,
always a commie.
Pretend
you're not here.
Shut up, peanuts.
All right. Be nice.
This man's our only hope.
Mr. President,
welcome to our summit.
You look great.
Let's eat.
Good. Right this way.
Have a good trip?
Wonderful.
Truly wonderful.
Mm-hm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mr. President,
we were wondering if, uh...
If you and I, you know...
If we couldn't sort
of get together and...
You know, mano y mano,
and...
And sort of
work something out,
sort of mix it up
the way we used to
in the good old days.
I don't mean a real war.
Just a little tension.
Sort of help people
forget about things.
Oh, Mr. President.
Please!
Is this why
you called us here?
We already gave up.
You've won.
We are too busy
trying to perfect
universal indoor plumbing.
That's right.
Indoor plumbing.
Maybe even a little...
Central heating.
A big Buick in every
garage would be nice.
A few cellular phones,
compact discs, MTV...
What is the name
of that other channel?
VH-1.
Yes! VH-1!
I'm so sorry,
Mr. President.
We can't go back
to the old days.
Please try
and understand.
Good day.
It's a trick,
Mr. President.
Damn right.
Can't we talk this over?
What is there
to talk over?
You're in charge
of the world now.
Don't be a sore winner.
I'm sure we
could discuss this
like civilized men.
Civilized men?
Is that
what we've both been
for the last 50 years?
Just a holy
goddamn minute,
your comradeship!
You don't go
throwing your
weight around
for half a century,
threatening the peaceful,
freedom-loving western world,
and decide one day
you don't want to
tug the rope no more.
Do you?
PRESIDENT: Mr. President,
I'm so sorry for this.
Sorry for this?
You made us spend trillions
on submarines and missiles,
and what did
all this rubbish get us?
Bread lines
and May Day parades!
GENERAL:
Don't chicken
out on us now!
STU: We need you.
I need you.
You don't always
get a second chance.
Attaboy, Stu!
GENERAL:
You can't do that!
Get off him!
Get off him!
I'm very sorry, Mr. President.
I'm very... All right.
Get over there.
Get over there.
Sorry.
I'm really,
truly sorry.
Maybe we could meet again.
How about Geneva?
We could
meet at Geneva,
sort of neutral territory.
Goodbye, Mr. President.
And good luck.
Any more
bright ideas?
What are we going to
do for an enemy now?
GENERAL: Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
I miss anything?
Nothing.
Also dead.
They're all dead.
You working
from an old list?
They're what
we're looking for.
This guy,
he's still alive.
But he's down in Florida
making license plates now.
She's reformed.
And looking good.
You know,
we were thinking,
what could be
a bigger threat
than aliens
invading from space?
Whoo-boy!
Scare the shit
out of everyone.
Even me, sir.
PRESIDENT: Is this
the best you could
come up with?
What about, you know,
international terrorism?
Sir, we're not going to
reopen missile factories
just to fight some creeps
running around in
exploding rental cars.
Turn on the lights.
I'm sorry.
I'm appalled.
I'm surprised you left those
killer bees off the list.
How about...
How about Canada?
O Canada
Our home and native land
True patriot love
In all thy sons command...
That's what I hate
about coming here.
You got to listen to
that song.
Check out the flag.
What is that,
a weed on there?
Give me a break!
Nice flag.
Let's go!
Let's go!
Drop the puck!
Let's go!
Come on! Face off!
O Canada
We stand on guard for thee
ANNOUNCER: Evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to Hockey Night
in Canada.
Tonight the American team
visits our Canadian champions,
the Ontario Beavers.
Please enjoy the game,
and remember,
no bad language
and no littering.
BOOMER:
Here we go!
Hey, Kabral, how come
you never see
any black guys
playing hockey?
Do you think it's easy to
just gradually take over
every professional sport?
Let me tell you
something, man,
brothers are starting to
figure out this ice thing.
Hope you enjoyed it.
These Canadians ain't
got a care in the world.
How about
the way they cheat
at the World Series?
That's our game, people!
KABRAL:
That is true.
And another thing.
Their beer sucks.
Ew!
Oh, boy!
Look at that!
That's footage
never seen on TV.
Yowsah!
It's amazing.
How did you know that
was a nuclear facility?
They tricked us there.
That's a hospital.
But it's
a hell of a strike.
We've got technology
we've never been
able to use.
TV ANNOUNCER:
A riot between
Americans and Canadians
broke out last night
at a hockey arena in
Niagara Falls, Ontario.
Police estimate
at least 60 people,
including
an American sheriff,
were detained overnight
by Canadian authorities.
I want to call
the American Embassy.
All I said was,
"Canadian beer sucks."
People!
People!
Can't we all
just get along?
Boy, these Canadians
are violent.
General,
can I use your
phone for a second?
Sure. Go ahead.
Yeah. Stu Smiley.
Give me Central Intelligence.
Yeah, Canada desk?
Timmy.
Hi, Stu.
What's up, Bill?
How you doing, Stu?
MAN 1: Re-route
the heroin through Cancun.
MAN 2:
Hold on a second.
Yeah. Oliver Stone.
There's Gus.
What do you say, Stu?
Long time no see, huh?
It's like
The Plaza in here.
They've got
me in a temporary
place here, that's all.
I see
you're still proud
of telling Kennedy
to send advisors
to Vietnam.
You're damn right.
The whole
Vietnam war was my idea.
Not ashamed of it one bit.
If they had
followed my advice
and gone nuclear...
I'm sure history
will vindicate you.
Would've wiped out
the Koreans, too.
Then we wouldn't be driving
behind them shitty little
compacts with no pickup.
Those cars are built
in South Korea.
They're our Koreans.
Like I care!
What have
you got for me?
Anything, something?
You mean Canada.
Yeah.
We can't talk here.
Let's go for a walk.
There a secretary
hidden somewhere to
hold your calls for you?
GUS: Remember the big
New York blackout?
Caused by a Canadian
hydroelectric plant,
Niagara Falls.
The canucks
claimed that it was
a faulty transmitter.
We had reason
to suspect otherwise.
Why? What do you mean?
These Canadians suffer from
a serious inferiority complex.
That's why
they built this.
Canadian National Tower,
world's tallest
freestanding structure.
Our scientists can't
figure out its purpose.
I'll bet
theirs can't either.
Jesus.
Canadians are always
dreaming up a lot of
ways to ruin our lives.
The metric system,
for the love of God!
Celsius!
Neil Young?
By God,
you're right, Gus.
Of course!
It was crazy of us
to have been
so blind for so long.
We thought,
they're just Canadians.
They're practically
the 51st state.
We admired them.
Clean streets,
no crime, no minorities.
How'd they do that?
No slavery.
God, they're smart.
Their entire government
is run by socialists.
But it's not
the real pinko stuff.
No! That's
where you're wrong.
They've always
had these tendencies.
"Capitalism must be
destroyed in all forms."
What's this?
We haven't been
paying attention.
We think that, oh,
they're a little strange
with the socialized
medicine stuff.
But do you know
they provide free
college to anyone?
Free trains,
free eyeglasses,
free condoms?
Jesus. Do your
superiors know
about this?
Ah, those gutless
desk mammals.
Ever since
I told them we'd finish
the Bay of Pigs by 10:00,
they've treated me
like dirt.
You've done
a great job here.
I'll make sure the President
knows of your fine work.
Like I care!
PRESIDENT: Canada?
Did you say Canada?
The American people,
Mr. Smiley,
would never,
ever buy this.
Mr. President,
the American people
will buy
whatever we
tell them to.
You know that.
Aren't you overlooking
one major obstacle,
like how to get
the average American
to hate and fear Canadians?
Hell, they're whiter
than we are.
Gentlemen, ladies,
allow me to clue you
to a few
rude awakenings.
For those that think Canada
is a mom-and-pop operation,
it's time to wake up
and smell the snow.
Fact: Canada's now
the second-largest
country in the world.
Fact: Canadians freely
cross over our borders,
walking among us...
Undetected.
How many of you knew
that they eliminated
the Miss Canada contest?
You're on
to something here.
Remember
the Air Force C-130
that crashed mysteriously
a few years ago?
And that just
happened to occur
over Canada,
Mr. President.
My God.
That's shocking.
When did they
get rid of Miss Canada?
A year ago.
Suppose
something like that
caught on down here.
One week,
Mr. President.
Give me one week,
and I'll have
Americans burning
maple leaves so fast,
they won't have time
to think about their
smog-filled lungs,
rising interest rates,
or their dwindling
savings accounts.
One week, sir.
Good evening.
Edwin S. Simon reporting.
NBS News has obtained
Pentagon documents
that show our neighbor
to the north,
the sovereign nation
of Canada,
has embarked
on a military program
aimed at the United States.
Canada, known for ages as
a polite and clean country,
has, under
a socialist majority,
undertaken a massive
military buildup
on its border
with the United States.
I don't like Canada.
It's freezing cold.
Canada owns more
of the U.S..
than any other country.
MAN: The Canadians.
They walk among us.
William Shatner.
Michael J. Fox.
Monty Hall.
Mike Myers.
Alex Trebek.
All of them Canadians.
All of them here.
Is Canadian prime minister
Clark MacDonald
a member of
a satanic cult?
SIMON: Most of Canada's
vast military technology
has been built and supplied
by the United States.
The Canadian National Tower
in Toronto,
erected to transmit
nuclear attack warnings
from radar stations
in northern Canada,
is now solely
in Canadian hands.
It is the height of six
American football fields,
or five Canadian
football fields.
As if Canadian football
really counts.
What would be
the psychological motivation
to erect a huge,
long, rigid shaft?
First, there is
no Canadian culture.
I've never read
any Canadian literature.
And when have you
heard anyone say,
"Honey, let's stay in and
order some Canadian food?"
SIMON: Congress is also
asking intelligence agencies
to investigate why
the Canadians maintain
a threatening lead
in Zamboni technology.
Think of your children
pledging allegiance
to the maple leaf.
Mayonnaise on everything.
Winter,
11 months of the year.
Anne Murray.
All day.
Every day.
Holy shit.
We're right on the border.
We're the first line
of defense.
We have to get
everyone organized.
All right, people!
Do not panic!
I repeat, do not panic!
I'm in complete control.
Now, Honey, Kabral,
Roy Boy, and myself,
we'll guard the hydro plant.
Snake,
you guard Ed's gun shop.
Dell, the bowling alley.
The rest of you,
guard this bar
with your lives.
DRUNK: Yeah.
All right, people.
Let's move out.
Fighting soldiers
from the sky
Fearless men
Who jump and die
Men who mean
Just what they say
The brave men
Of the green beret
Silver wings
Upon their chest
These are men
America's best
100 men
Will test today
But only three
Win the green beret
Put silver wings
On my son's chest
Make him one
Of America's best
He'll be a man
They'll test one day
Have him win
The green beret
Now,
who would've thought?
America against
the scary Canadians.
Boy, I'm good.
I'm going to let you
in on a little secret.
Mmm!
Mmm, Christ.
The American public's
attention span
is about as long
as your dick.
You have got to give
Americans something real,
something they can
get their teeth into,
something that will make
them cry, "Bloody murder!"
Americans will not go
to war, even a Cold War,
unless they truly believe
that their very lives
are threatened.
What do you
have in mind?
Back in the early 1960s,
my old buddy
Lyndon Johnson says,
"Boys, why don't we just
bomb one of our own ships
"and blame it on
the North Vietnamese?"
We did.
We shelled
a U.S. Navy ship
in the Gulf of Tonkin.
At least, that's
what we told everybody.
As far as I know, that
damn boat was out in
the middle of Lake Erie.
But,
24 hours later
the U.S. Senate
voted 98 to 2
to send troops
to Vietnam.
That's
an amazing story.
That's the truth,
and it can still work.
MALE TV ANNOUNCER:
Like maple syrup,
Canada's evil oozes
over the United States.
How long will we remain
silent to the screams?
Oh, that is stunning.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Everyone knows
what it's like to get
syrup on your fingers.
This guy's ingenious.
I mean...
Mr. President,
Canadian Prime Minister!
Clark?
How's Claire?
You were just watching
on NBS, really?
I don't know
what to think.
Looks like you people
are planning something nasty.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
What? If you feel that
way about it, goodbye.
I like this.
I think now
may be the time
to turn up the heat.
What do you mean?
Well, what if...
I'm just spitballing here.
That's okay.
Go ahead.
A Canadian hit squad,
i.e., trained professionals,
who looked
like Canadians,
were photographed sabotaging
an important installation
inside the U.S.
Let's go there
with a strike force,
knock out
their infrastructure
quicker than you can say,
"Collateral damage."
No.
No.
Why not?
Yeah, why not?
A war with Canada
would be over in days.
Remember Grenada?
They didn't even wake
Reagan up.
Didn't have to.
All we found were rich
American med school rejects
and a couple of
Cuban construction workers.
That's liberal bullshit.
Cuba had a division
in there.
What about Panama?
Right. Listen to this.
A few days of blasting
Def Leppard over
loudspeakers,
and Noriega
ran out weeping.
And Iraq? Ha!
Ha.
They were supposed to
have this big, bad army.
They had
the biggest cannon,
invented by a Canadian.
72 hours
after we invade,
they're begging
for a big Mac.
They stopped us
a hundred miles
short of Baghdad.
We just sat there
waving our dicks
at the desert.
Mr. President,
do you want more of that,
or 50 years of
Cold War prosperity
because Joe Schmoe
American is scared
shitless
the world's going to end
before the next commercial?
Well, I think I like
Mr. Smiley's approach.
Oh!
No, no.
I really like it.
Here's what
we're going to do.
We'll get some Special Ops.
We'll disguise them
as Canadians
and let them
blow something up.
But nothing valuable, okay?
No casualties, all right?
There will
be no casualties,
and Canada gets the blame.
Come on.
Step on the gas!
Double time.
Double time.
We're just minutes away
from blowing this hydro
plant to kingdom come.
Ha! I'm back!
GUS: You got them
down there?
Wait till those
SOBs back at Langley see
this on the nightly news.
BOOMER:
Freeze! The both of you!
Don't move.
Don't anybody move.
Honey, Canadians
on the east wing.
Bring the boys, quick!
Who the hell are you?
Who the hell are you?
Get out! Go on!
Look what we found!
Get your hands up there.
Come on!
Hey, spread 'em!
Come on.
Spread 'em! Let's go!
Under the articles of
the Fifth Geneva Convention,
and with the powers
invested in me by...
Would you please shut up?
We're American!
Who plays quarterback for
the St. Louis Cardinals?
I have no idea.
There ain't no more
St. Louis Cardinals!
They moved to Phoenix!
Wait.
Give us another one.
HONEY:
Sorry. Time's up!
Cuff 'em!
Frisk these canucks!
Then call
the CIA, the FBI,
the DA, and the ASPCA,
and call Channel 5.
You're going to be on TV.
The nation
remains stunned today
after the capture
of secret Canadian agents
who were attempting to blow
up the hydroelectric plant
in Niagara Falls, New York.
The Canadians
were apprehended
by Niagara Sheriff,
Bud B. Boomer.
BOOMER: Move! Move! Move!
Right.
Our correspondent,
Charles Jackal,
who is rejoining us
after a stint
at the Betty Ford Clinic,
kicks off
our team coverage.
Chuck, it's great
to have you back.
And it's great to be back.
I want to apologize for
the hurt I may have
caused that night
to so many of you,
especially those
who were standing
too close to the curb.
You know who you are.
Forgive me.
Ed, it's
a startling revelation.
Canada, getting
ready to invade,
has amassed 90%
of its population
along its border
with the United States.
The longest unprotected
border in the world,
stretching from
the Atlantic Ocean
to that other one.
You'll be pleased
to know, sir,
that the Hacker Hellstorm
was delivered to
and installed in
Toronto yesterday.
Good work.
Good work, boy.
When I found you,
I said to myself,
"I can make something
out of that sniveling
little sneak."
Yes, sir.
Sir,
what exactly is
the Hacker Hellstorm?
I'm just curious
since I sold it and all.
Well,
that's fair enough, Stu.
The Hacker Hellstorm
is a devastating weapon,
a destabilizing weapon,
and it is capable
of launching
all the missiles
in the United States
at once.
Really?
But the Canadians will
never, ever use it.
How can you be so sure?
Because I didn't give them
the operating codes.
Really?
They think
it gives them an edge
on high-tech
weather forecasting.
Uh-huh.
So the Hellstorm
is harmless, yes?
Ah, Stuey.
Honey!
Honey!
What the...
Holy shit.
What the hell?
Honey?
Shh!
Kabral.
What does this
look like to you?
Got me. I never saw
a white one that size.
It's the Canadian
National Tower.
Maybe I better
carry the guns.
Where we going?
Boomer's got a special
mission for us.
Says Canadians are too
clean for their own good.
We're crossing over.
To Canada?
Yep. We're
going in tonight
to kick some
Canadian butt.
Can we go to the Tower?
No. I don't think so.
Cut the engine.
It's making too much noise.
(ENGINE STOPS)
What did you say?
We have to be very quiet.
We're all going
to have to paddle.
Get those oars in the water.
Go on.
Put your back into it.
Nice and easy.
There you go.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Canada.
This'll drive them crazy!
There is no more heinous
crime than this in Canada.
Are you sure
we're in Canada?
Do you smell anything?
No.
Exactly. Canada!
Hey, those look
like my socks.
That isn't garbage!
That's my laundry.
Roy Boy, you idiot!
Pick this up!
You stupid jerk,
what are you doing?
My good stuff.
Hello,
who goes there?
Freeze!
Johnny Canuck!
Leave the park
immediately
and go back to
where you came from.
Scatter! Everybody
back to the boat!
Sir, you can't end your
sentence with a preposition.
Oh, really?
(WHOOPING)
Well, what
would you say?
Well, I guess
I'd say either,
"Go back from
where you came,"
or the preferred
Queen's English,
"Go back, thee,
from whence thou came."
Oh, man, that was close.
We were staring death
right in its face!
So, uh...
Where's Honey?
Oh, man,
we forgot Honey!
I left Honey behind!
We left a man behind.
Boomer left a man behind!
The Marines never
leave a man behind.
Chuck Norris never
left a man behind.
Wesley Snipes never
leaves a man behind!
She's all alone
behind enemy lines.
I got to think!
She's going to be fine.
She's a survivor.
She's strong!
(EXPLOSIONS)
Hope she doesn't kill anybody.
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt our
regularly-scheduled program
and go live
to the President
of the United States.
We have just learned that
the Canadian government
is holding an American
citizen hostage.
I have communicated
with the Canadian
Prime Minister
our demand that
this hostage,
this woman,
uh, hostage Honey,
must be released now!
Oh, my God. Honey!
To facilitate this,
I've ordered our
armed forces on alert,
and I've ordered them
to prepare to engage
in Operation
Canadian Bacon.
And I want to say to
Prime Minister MacDonald,
"Surrender her pronto,
or we'll level Toronto."
God bless America.
MAN:
God bless America.
God bless you,
Mr. President.
Oh, Honey.
And, honey, I miss you
And I'm being good
And I'd love
to be with you
If only I could
This just got in.
We have received amateur
videotape of hostage Honey.
Roy Boy, Kabral, quick!
Huh?
Honey!
HONEY: Boomer!
Traitor!
You Benedict Arnold!
You took off
and left me here...
Oh, she's pissed.
You think?
I'll rip out every bone in your
body!
She's mad at you, Boomer.
Boomer, you hear me?
SIMON: She is being held
at Mountie Headquarters
in Niagara Falls, Canada.
Sources in the
intelligence community
speculate that Canada
may be preparing to
terminate her,
which would certainly
be in keeping with what
we know about the Canadians.
BOOMER: Terminate?
This is no less
than an act of war.
There's a time to think
and a time to act,
and this, gentlemen,
is no time to think.
We'll have
one more round,
and then we'll go.
Chester!
Another round.
Same thing.
Gives Honey a chance
to cool off a little bit.
Yeah, we know.
Yeah.
Come on.
Out of the way.
There's not
a locked door in
the whole country.
Let's go!
(SHOUTING)
I don't want to
have to drop first blood,
but I will if I have to!
I mean it, I'll hurt you.
Everybody
down on the ground,
and no one will be hurt!
MAN ON TV:
The elk, the beaver, and the
moose are man's best friends.
All right, Pops,
who's in charge?
Just the two of us,
just Ruthie and me.
No other personnel
in the whole building?
No. We're
the night shift.
Excuse me, ma'am,
there's not
another control room?
No, dear, this is it.
Thank you.
Boomer, maybe
we better just go, huh?
Stand your ground, soldier!
Oh, brother.
Now, let me
get this straight.
You're telling me that
you two are responsible
for supplying
all the electricity
to your entire nation?
That's about
the size of it.
Oh, Dad.
Does he ever
like to brag.
Put those needles down,
nice and easy,
where I can see them.
Spread out!
Find the power source for
the Mountie Headquarters.
I'm going to ask you
one more time.
Where is the power switch
to the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police Headquarters?
You're going to tell me
sooner or later.
Now, we can do it my way,
which is very nice
right now,
or we can do it their way,
which you're
not going to like.
You Canadians
are so sneaky.
Don't touch that.
You'll black out
most of Canada!
Yeah, right.
What do we look like,
jerks?
Please!
KABRAL:
You screwed up now.
BOOMER:
I'll be the judge of that!
All right.
Let's move out.
And you, don't tell
anybody we was here.
Come on!
(GRUNTS)
You know, I could
get to like this.
Really?
On these screens here,
Mr. President.
What is this?
What's happening?
All of Canada
is going dark, sir.
What do you make of this?
I'll tell you,
but you'll dislike it.
Mr. President,
Prime Minister MacDonald,
calling from Ottawa.
Yes...
Clark, hi.
Now, why would we want
to cut off your power?
No. What... Calm down.
Calm...
No. If we were up
to something, we would
have mined your harbors.
Damn right.
What? Who?
Yeah, I see. Yeah.
We'll check this out,
and we'll get back to you.
Goodbye!
You're not going
to believe this.
That same
goddamned sheriff
from Niagara Falls,
that hero...
Bud Boomer.
He's the one responsible
for the blackout.
Boomer? Oh, sir.
That's bullshit!
This is
a Canadian trick.
Blame us,
get world sympathy,
and make it impossible
for our
night-attack bombers
to locate their cities
and destroy
their inhabitants.
God, sir,
that's the oldest
trick in the book!
MOUNTIE: "Thank you
for sleeping so quietly.
"I love you.
"Even though
you're a criminal.
"Thank you
for keeping
your cell clean.
"I
"miss you."
Welcome to Canada.
Hold it right there,
canuck.
Who are you?
I'm your worst nightmare.
I'm a citizen with
a constitutional
right to bear arms.
Take the pelts.
Take whatever you want.
We don't want
your stinking pelts.
Have some fudge.
Just leave me alone.
Didn't you hear him?
We're your
worst nightmare.
My worst nightmare
involved a pack of
rabid wolves.
I was stuck somewhere
in the Yukon,
and there were
tall, skinny rabbits,
and they were
drinking heavily.
(GLASS BREAKING)
Just shut up!
We want your prisoner.
Where is she?
I don't know what
you're talking aboot, eh.
"Aboot?" It's "about!"
What we're
talking about!
And enough of
that "eh" business.
Learn to talk right,
understand?
We got ways of making you
pronounce the letter "o."
I want my Honey!
Now, get the keys
for the cells now.
Now!
Easy.
Easy.
Okay, Mr. Canuck.
Mr. Two-time
World Series winner.
Hey, watch
that fancy move!
See? This is all
the prisoners we have.
This man was arrested for
putting regular gas into
an unleaded tank.
Where do you
think you're going?
I'm going over to show
you the next guy.
Easy. One step at a time.
This man was arrested
for being in too many
bad moods.
I got you covered.
I got you covered.
I got you covered, buddy.
This man raided
a company, merged it
with his conglomerate,
and then fired
all the employees.
Get away from the bars,
you scum!
Boomer!
Hold on, Jack.
Now,
you tell us
where Honey is.
Let me paint a picture
for you, buddy.
She's petite,
extremely beautiful,
and heavily armed.
Wait. You mean
the litterbug.
They took her
to the capital
to give her a free
mental health examination.
Good.
The capital, Toronto.
No. The capital
of Canada is Ottawa.
Yeah, right.
Do we look that stupid?
Ottawa!
Nice try, Dudley.
All right, boys!
We're going to Toronto.
The capital.
Do you want some water?
Mmm-hmm.
Too bad.
Gentlemen.
Let's take the truck.
Let's go!
Hey, Boomer?
Yeah? What's wrong?
I got an idea.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Mr. President, I think
we should look on the
positive side.
What we have is a brave but
misguided group of Americans
who've gone into Canada
and kicked some serious
Canadian butt.
Well, we've got
to do something.
We could send in
the Omega Force.
Isn't that
a bit drastic?
Sir, the
Helms Amendment
and NSC Order 725
both specifically prohibit
the use of Omega Force
against Caucasians.
That's right.
I guess if I were the
President's male secretary,
I might read the
Helms Amendment that way.
What choice
do we have, sir?
We have to take
this sheriff out immediately
before this turns
into a shooting war
instead of the Cold War
that we wanted.
Mr. President.
Hey! Hey!
Sheriff Boomer has
become a national idol
at a time
when our people
lack true heroes,
yourself excluded, sir.
It would seem wise
not to lose him.
General,
the President
should see this, sir.
Enraged by the imprisonment
of hostage Honey,
and inspired by their hero
Bud Boomer,
U.S. citizens
from coast to coast
are taking actions against
Americans of Canadian birth
and suspected
Canadian sympathizers.
Some Americans
in other border towns
have followed Sheriff Boomer
into Canada
with the hope
of liberating that country.
Everything I see or
read about these
Canadians
just makes me
want to puke!
(CHANTING) U.S.A. U.S.A.
It's time we put America
back in North America.
God bless Bud Boomer!
(CHANTING) U.S.A. U.S.A.
Oh, Christ.
Mr. President,
I believe we have no choice
but to remove Bud Boomer
judiciously.
Now.
PRESIDENT:
Well, it's an idea.
Send in Omega Force!
Spread your tiny wings
and fly away...
Go fish.
Welcome to Canada.
Who are you?
That was
totally unnecessary.
SOLDIER 1:
Where is Boomer?
I had an amazing hand.
SOLDIER 2:
Where is he?
Toronto.
We're coming, Honey.
We're coming.
Hey, Boomer,
how come you never
let me drive, man?
Just don't start with me,
all right?
The black cat
never gets to drive.
It's not because
you're black.
Lots of black guys
drive all the time.
For example.
What's his name?
Danny Glover
in Driving Miss...
What's her name?
Danny Glover didn't drive
Miss Daisy.
He drove Mel Gibson.
He didn't drive
Mel Gibson.
That's Eddie Murphy
drives Mel Gibson.
Eddie Murphy
drives Nick Nolte.
He does not.
ROY BOY: Hey, guys,
I drove once.
(SIREN WAILING)
BOOMER: Oh, jeez.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, jeez.
Maybe it's not us.
It's not us.
Pull over! Pull over!
It's us. He wants us.
All right.
We're pulling over.
All right, fellas.
Just act normal,
all right? Act normal.
Not normal for us.
Normal for regular people.
Good day.
Hi.
May I see your license
and registration, please?
There you go.
Thank you.
Oh, Americans!
Welcome to Ontario,
a sportsman's paradise.
Isn't it, though?
Please get out and
step away from the vehicle.
Okay.
What is wrong
with this picture?
Um...
Uh...
No snow tires.
No.
I was driving on the
wrong side of the road.
I can explain that.
I am not used to
your rules up here.
That's not it.
This writing on the
side of your vehicle.
Oh! How did that
get there?
Those kids at the garage,
I just...
Whatever.
My concern is
the sensibilities
of a certain distinct
and viable part
of Canadian society.
Les Quebecois.
Huh?
You know,
wine drinkers.
Pea-soup eaters.
French Canadians.
Oh, yeah.
Those guys. Sure.
If you wish to
avoid prosecution,
I'd advise
that you comply
with our language laws,
which specifically prescribe
that all signs be in
both English and French,
Canada's two
official languages.
Okay.
I do have to fine you.
That'll be $1,000 Canadian
or $10 American if you'd
prefer.
Oh! No. I'll pay the
American there. Yeah.
There you go, buddy.
Here you are, $10.
Thank you very much.
There's your receipt.
Thank you.
And now...
(RATTLES)
In French,
if you please.
WOMAN ON INTERCOM:
Dr. Wall, Dr. Wall,
please pick up line five.
All doctors participating
in today's house calls,
please report to the lobby.
"Get well soon
"from
Prime Minister
Clark MacDonald."
Anyone in need
of a free triple bypass,
please sign the bonus slip
in your room.
"Get well, get well,
feel good."
This is...
"Best wishes,
Gordon Lightfoot."
Ew!
HONEY: Ottawa!
MAN: Go, Fifi!
So, we're up and around,
are we?
And how are
we feeling today?
Aren't you two a little
young to be doctors?
Oh, we're not doctors.
We're candy stripers.
Our universal
health care system
has determined that
you don't actually
need a doctor until...
Until then,
we're here to see
that you're comfortable
and to give you, uh...
A kidney transplant.
No, that can't be right.
Check the paperwork.
Ow!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, Douglas!
Born
Born in the U.S.A.
I was
Born in the U.S.A.
I was
Born in the U.S.A.
I was
Born in the U.S.A.
I was
Born in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.
Dah, dah
Dah, dah, dah, U.S.A.
If you catch a cold,
there's some aspirin
in the cabinet.
And thanks for hanging on
to my American-made
assault weapons.
WOMAN ON INTERCOM:
Dr. Fred Einerschmidt to 2-B.
Give me that.
Oklahoma
Oklahoma
Oklahoma
[ humming ]
Oklahoma
Oklahoma
Oklahoma
Oklahoma
Hey, it's okay.
It was just my toe.
(GUN FIRING)
(HARMONICA PLAYS OFFKEY)
(WOLF HOWLS)
All right.
That's enough, man.
You guys aren't thinking
about Honey at all, are you?
I'm worried sick.
Ever see
The Dirty Dozen?
That was a cool movie.
Man, that
was real cool.
Lee Marvin.
Charles Bronson.
Ernest Borgnine.
Jim Brown.
Telly Savalas,
Clint Walker.
Jim Brown.
Trini Lopez!
Cool.
Trini Lopez?
I never could
figure that one out.
What the hell was he doing
in The Dirty Dozen?
If I was putting together
a group of murderers
and cutthroats,
Trini Lopez would not
be in the starting lineup.
That's why he dies first.
Don't they all die?
No.
Jim Brown dies.
What do you expect?
Of all
The Dirty Dozen,
this black guy's
supposed to sneak in
behind enemy lines and
pretend he's a Kraut?
That's not it, man.
It's just the black guy
always dies.
Think about it, man.
Unforgiven.
Alien.
Rocky IV.
The Shining.
Star Trek II.
Forrest Gump.
Witness.
Annie Hall.
Not Annie Hall.
Night of the Living Dead.
That's the one!
And what about that brother
in Jurassic Park?
Oh, that was cool.
Two black guys died
in that one. A twofer!
You must be really
pissed off at that one.
I'm telling you, man,
the black guy
always dies first.
Oh, aw, man.
Hey. Don't worry,
Kabral.
You'll pass
for Canadian.
You really do need help.
Oh, I need help?
Yeah.
Knock it off with
this Dirty Dozen stuff.
Did anyone see Dirty Dancing?
Whoo!
That was a good movie.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Welcome
to the Hacker Hellstorm,
your one-stop program
for total nuclear destruction.
Please enter
your pin code now.
You have
reached the Hellstorm
communications center.
Please choose
your missile launch sites
from your on-screen menu.
Establishing contact
with all U.S. launch sites.
American missiles
now under the control
of the Hacker Hellstorm.
Countdown ready to commence.
Hellstorm activated.
Thank God for technology.
12 hours to launch.
(ALARM HORN BLARES)
Any word
from Omega Force,
like where they are?
Hell, they...
(ALARM SOUNDS)
What the hell is that?
It's Def-Con 4, sir.
Just remind me.
What is Def-Con 4?
Defense condition 4, sir.
A nuclear attack
is imminent
or the opposite.
I'm not quite sure.
MAN: Imminent, Stu!
There you go, imminent.
Well,
can't we stop this?
The siren, sir,
or nuclear exchange?
Either one!
Sir, our missile
silos in southern Utah
have somehow
become activated.
PRESIDENT: Well,
who ordered that?
It wasn't me, was it?
No. I didn't order that.
Can't you stop this?
General Panzer,
where are those
missiles aimed?
Well, sir, uh...
Those ICBMs in
southern Utah are
directed at...
At Moscow, sir.
What?
Why would you aim
missiles at an ally?
Sir, it seems that
nearly all of our
missiles
are directed at targets in
the former Soviet Republics.
Why the hell is that?
With all due respect,
sir,
your boys
in Intelligence
never could decide
who was
a big enough threat
to point those
babies elsewhere.
Let me say, sir,
if one of
our birds lands
in the Russkies'
backyard,
plenty will
be landing in ours.
I have just arrived here
as part of the Pentagon
Press Corps.
There are some things
we will not be allowed
to show you.
But you can rest assured
that you will be getting
all of the information
you need to know.
I am standing here...
(BLEEP)
...in the middle of... (BLEEP)
And it is...
(BLEEP)
For those
of you with sons
and daughters up here,
I can only say that...
(BLEEP)
And that's about
the only thing
that has been going
wrong at this point.
MAN: The activation order
appears to be coming from
Canada.
How can Canada
activate our missiles?
Oh, shit.
The Hacker Hellstorm.
The what?
The Hacker Hellstorm.
Sir, it's a program
you canceled
when you tried to
balance the budget.
What is
the Hacker Hellstorm?
Vargo.
It's an
automatic nuclear
response system, sir.
It initiates a nuclear
counterstrike on its own.
I never liked it.
Took the fun out
of Armageddon.
I'm glad
they canceled
the son of a bitch.
How did Canada get it?
That's classified.
Classified?
I'm the President!
How did Canada get it,
Stu?
I want to talk to
Hacker right now!
ROY BOY: It's a vision.
My eyes.
There it is, men.
Toronto.
It's beautiful.
It's like
no other city
I've ever seen.
It's like Albany.
Only cleaner.
The Tower!
BOOMER:
That's Toronto, boys.
ROY BOY: Cool.
Wow!
ROY BOY:
Jeez, how do they
clean all those windows?
BOOMER:
Windex, dummy.
Where did they get
so many buildings?
It's eerie.
Where is everybody?
I don't like this.
Me neither.
There's a kid up there.
Hey, hey, kid.
Kid, where is everybody?
The Tower.
The Tower?
The Canadian National Tower.
Some crazy
American woman's
there with a big gun.
Oh, thanks.
Crazy American
lady with a gun.
It's Honey!
Come on, fellas, let's go.
MAN ON PA:
Attention, please.
Attention, please.
This is the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police.
Would you come down
from the Tower, please?
HONEY: If you say "please"
one more time,
I'm going to let you
have it.
No, no, no.
I got that part.
What
I don't understand
is how the Canadians
have a fully functional
and operational Hellstorm.
I thought what I
sold them was not usable.
How the hell
did I let you
get me into this?
Stuey.
God Almighty.
Why do you
bother your head
with this kind of crap?
Maybe it's because
you're an only child.
Or maybe it's because
you're becoming irrelevant.
Now, calm down,
for Christ's sake.
Mmm-hmm.
The Canadians cannot
launch any missiles.
Only I can,
because I
have the codes,
all of them.
And I'm in control.
So, easy.
Missile countdown
has started in
Wyoming and Montana.
All right.
I want an answer.
Does Canada
have the power
to launch America's
nuclear weapons?
The Hacker Hellstorm
can do that and a lot more.
And if you hadn't
canceled that program,
the technology would
still be in American hands.
So you sold control
of American missiles
to a foreign country.
If you can call
Canada foreign.
Or a country.
When you canceled
that program,
you left me
standing there
out of pocket
$500 million!
I got to make up on
a shortfall like that.
After all the billions
he's made on Uncle Sam.
In a decent,
God-fearing country,
I'd be allowed to beat
the two of you to death.
It's scum like you that make
a simple war all screwed up
and confusing.
It's people like us who keep
people like you in business.
MAN: We're now registering
missile activity in Nevada.
All right,
now I want to know
where exactly did
you install this,
this Hellstorm thing?
Ever run an old possum
up a tree, Mr. President?
He'll find the highest
branch he can.
Out of my way.
Out of my way.
Out of my way.
CANADIAN 1:
Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Out of my way.
Out of my way.
CANADIAN 2: I'm sorry.
Out of my way.
Out of my way.
CANADIAN 3: I'm sorry.
All right.
You wait here.
I'll be right back.
Get out of my way.
Oh.
Now, you know that I
built Hellstorm number 1.
But what you don't know
is that I also built
Hellstorm number 2.
Two? What's that?
What's two?
It's to defend us
against Hellstorm 1.
Just in case an enemy
should ever acquire it.
I don't want to say that
it's pure genius, but...
No, no.
It's insane!
It's business.
And I can let you
have it immediately,
but it won't be cheap.
It won't be cheap?
How much will it be?
$1 trillion.
$1 trillion!
That includes
the cost overruns.
Mr. Hacker, you've got
Uncle Sam by the cojones.
Don't you have
any patriotism,
sir?
What about the Alamo?
The Halls of Montezuma?
The Sands of Iwo Jima?
The Guns of Navarone?
Didn't you ever
fantasize about
The Duke
in The Flying Leathernecks?
Huh?
I mean, fantasize
about being The Duke,
not fantasize
about The Duke.
You know what I mean,
sir?
WOMAN:
30 minutes to launch.
(ALARM BLARES)
Oh, God.
GENERAL: What have you
got there?
Oh, my God.
Mr. President, we have
a situation Uranus in
Utah.
They bumped their birds
up to T-minus 7.
This is terrible.
I didn't understand
a word of what he said.
He said
the missiles will
launch in seven minutes.
Oh, my God!
Mr. President, you got
six minutes and change.
This is a mistake
you do not want
to make!
Negotiate with him.
Give him what he wants!
I know.
Just give me a second.
Gentlemen, I intend
to put some shoe leather
between me
and ground zero.
Call me, Mr. President,
when you decide to give
me the money.
Wait a second.
Hold on one second.
I don't understand
something.
Why would the
Canadians try to start a war
between us and the Russians?
I don't get that.
Hacker!
Hacker! Hack...
Get me Intelligence.
I need Intelligence.
Canada's not launching
those missiles.
You are!
Give me the money,
then I'll turn it off.
Give me
the goddamn codes!
You son of a bitch,
you're through!
Oh, my God!
Guards!
Arrest Mr. Smiley!
Wait! I got the codes!
(MUFFLED SPEECH)
Mr. Hacker?
Mr. Hacker?
I think
this old possum
has bought the farm.
E-I-E-I-O.
CANADIAN 1: Oh, excuse me.
CANADIAN 2: Pardon me.
CANADIAN 3: Sorry.
CANADIAN 4: Oh!
Sorry!
Stu, Stu, Stu,
it really pains me
to see you this way.
Ah, who am I kidding?
We'll torture him later.
Get him out of here.
What about the Russians?
Call Moscow.
We've got to warn them.
Vladimir Krushkin.
He was in briefly
over lunch,
countercoup, he was out,
then reinstalled again.
As of supper,
he was still there.
Let me level
with you, sir.
I would destroy
any nation,
even my own,
if my president
gave the order.
So you just
say the word, sir,
and we'll do what
we should have done
in the first place.
We'll nuke the slimy
canuck bastards.
We'll wipe their frigid,
goddamned country
off the map.
I can't kill
America's neighbors.
I can.
I summer up there.
I understand, sir.
Mr. President, we've lost
contact with Omega Force.
Well, that's it.
Moscow is
about to light up
hotter than a pig roast
on flag day.
That'll certainly guarantee
a retaliatory gesture
against the United States.
No shit.
Get Prime Minister
MacDonald on the phone.
I'll give him
anything he wants.
Got to.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: This is
the Hacker Hellstorm
weather forecasting center.
1 minute, 50 seconds
to total annihilation.
Have a nice day.
Mr. Prime Minister,
I'm asking you to
stop it.
Now pay attention
to me, okay?
I'm talking about
the Hacker Hellstorm.
You got it,
and you've got
to turn it off.
Clark,
we can't turn it off.
Of course we've tried!
We can't turn it...
He's putting his wife on.
Hi.
(MUMBLES)
Ecoutez,
vous avez gagne.
Uh...
Fermez les "rockettes",
okay?
About two years
in high school
and about four years
in college.
Well, thank you.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: American
missiles will launch
in 1 minute and 30 seconds.
(ALARM HORN BLARES)
Oh! Oh! When will it end?
(GROANING)
Clark, are you
listening to me?
Don't launch the rockets.
Our rockets!
Don't launch them!
I'm giving up,
you understand?
Whatever you want,
you've got it!
You've won!
Don't play games
with me, Clark!
You won!
Canuck central!
ELECTRONIC VOICE:
T-minus 15 seconds.
(ALARM HORN BLARES)
(GASPS)
The canucks and Hacker?
10 seconds to launch.
Prepare to launch.
Clark, please!
We're running out of time!
That's my Honey.
Boomer!
Don't like heights.
We've got to get out of here.
Come on!
Step on it.
HONEY: Now, this is what
I call a health care system.
Look, Honey. Home.
Home.
The US of A.
HONEY:
Whoo! Let's go.
GUS: There it is!
Like I care!
BOOMER: We're going to
be there any minute now!
Oh, yeah! Trust me.
Only in America
Can a guy from anywhere
Go to sleep a pauper
And wake up
a millionaire
Only in America
Can a kid
without a cent
Get a break and maybe
grow up to be president
Only in America
Land of opportunity,
yeah
Could a boy
who's nothing
Be something
and be everything
Only in America
Can a kid
who's washin' cars
Take a giant step
And reach right up
and touch the stars
Only in America
Could a dream
like this come true
Could a guy like me
Start with nothing
and end up
Like you
Only in America
Land of opportunity,
yeah
Could a boy
who's nothing
Be something
and be everything
Be everything
America
America
America
America
America
Beneath its snowy mantle
cold and clean
The unborn grass
lies waiting
For its gold to turn
to green
The snowbird sings the song
he always sings
And speaks to me
of flowers
That will bloom again
in Spring
When I was young
my heart was young then, too
And anything
that it would tell me
That's the thing
that I would do
But now I feel
such emptiness within
For the thing that I want
most in life's
The thing
that I can't win
Spread your tiny wings
and fly away
And take the snow
back with you
Where it came from
on that day
The one I loved forever
is untrue
And if I could
You know that I would
fly away with you
The breeze along the river
seems to say
That he'll only
break my heart again
Should I decide to stay
Spread your tiny wings
and fly away
And take the snow
back with you
Where it came from
on that day
The one I loved forever
is untrue
And if I could
You know that I would
fly...
away with you
You must know
the trouble that she's in
Wash her pretty face
Dry her eyes and then
God bless America again
You know
I wish God
would bless America again
Like he did way back there
When it all began
He blessed her then
But we sort of
took it for granted
And didn't ask again
So let's just kinda
hold her hand now
That's all
In case she stumbles
Let's don't let her fall
MALE TV HOST:
Let's go live to
TV 10's Kelly Breen.
KELLY: It's a big day
in Niagara Falls, New York,
where the presidential
motorcade
will pass by
in a few moments.
The turnout is pretty much
nonexistent,
which is rather surprising.
This is the first time
a president has been
here since 1901,
when William McKinley
stopped by and was shot.
God bless America again
You must know
the trouble that she's in
Wash her pretty face
Dry her eyes and then
God bless America again
I don't understand
everything I read and hear
About what's wrong
with America
When you don't have
a lot of book learning
There's many things
you don't understand
But I know this much
She's like a mother to me
I love her
with all my heart
And let me tell you this,
Mister
Everything I am
or ever hope to be
I owe to her
KELLY: Topping the President's
agenda today will be a speech
at the recently closed
Hacker Defense Plant.
Hacker was closed,
10,000 employees laid off
due to the end
of the Cold War,
which rendered useless
the military supplies
they produced there.
The public
is being encouraged
to not only and listen
to the President's speech,
but also
pick up on a bargain.
There are some good deals
left on items
ranging from missiles
to light armament.
One of those laid-off
employees this morning
had quite an altercation.
This ex-Hacker employee
is trying to deface
the image of R.J. Hacker,
the chairman
of that company.
He got away before
he could be apprehended.
God bless America again
You must know
the trouble that she's in
Wash her pretty face
Dry her eyes and then
God bless America again
Oh, please
God bless America again
(MUFFLED LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHING)
Shit!
(APPROACHING SIRENS)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
KELLY:
Meanwhile, in other news,
due to
the record number
of laid-off workers
jumping to their death
in Niagara Falls,
the City Council has just
approved an incentive program.
Sheriff's deputies who talk
someone out of jumping
will be getting $25.
If they go in
to retrieve the body,
they'll be getting $50.
Jump!
Jump! Jump!
What'll this one make?
Uh...
The third one today.
Uh, ninth this week.
Man,
are we racking
up the grief bonus!
450 bucks, and the
week's not over yet.
Stick with me, Honey.
Things keep going
like this,
we'll make what we
used to make at Hacker.
You know it.
What's this guy
doing up there?
(GRUNTING)
It's a free country.
He doesn't like it here,
he can swim to Canada.
A lot of work there.
Shut up and
look at this.
Hey, isn't that...
It's our good friend,
Roy Boy.
Jump!
No, no! He's wearing
my good hat!
Let's help him out.
Great.
Don't jump, Roy Boy,
don't jump!
Help is on the way!
(GUN FIRING)
Huh?
Nice shootin'!
All right!
Who did this?
Medic.
That was a beautiful thing
you just did, Honey.
God, I love you.
Just kidding.
I was kidding.
ROY BOY:
Let me get
this straight.
You shot me
because I didn't
want to go on living?
Yeah.
You want me
to finish the job?
Relax, Honey. Roy Boy,
would you please pipe down?
I was trying to make
a statement about
our plight.
At least
the plight of those
whose uncle ain't the mayor.
Don't you mention my
Uncle Jack.
You're thinking nepotism.
I took that test and
passed it fair and square.
What about handing her a job?
I'm your buddy.
Don't you mention Honey
like that.
Look, you guys,
my life
has been complete hell
since Hacker laid me off.
We know how you feel.
We all feel
the same way.
We've all made
big changes in our life
since the plant
closed down.
That's right.
If life
hands you a lemon,
crush it into lemonade.
That's
positive thinking.
Come on, smile.
Just what makes
that little ol' ant
Think he'd move
that rubber tree plant
BOTH:
Everyone knows an ant
Can't
Move a rubber tree plant
'Cause he's got
Roy Boy, sing!
ALL: High hopes
He's got
High hopes
He's got
High-apple-pie-
in-the-sky hopes
So any time
you're feelin' low
Instead of lettin' go
Just remember that ant
Woops, there goes
another rubber tree
Woops, there goes
another rubber tree
Woops, there goes
another rubber tree plant
Ker-plop!
President here yet,
Riley?
Officer Riley.
Oh, sure. Sorry.
You fellas need
any backup here,
Officer Riley?
I don't think so,
Sheriff.
Okay.
You finding
a lot of roadkill
this year, Sheriff?
We get to keep what we find.
Forgive me.
Where are my manners?
This is my woman deputy,
Honey.
Honey's been a real asset
since she got her parole.
Next, I have an unused,
air-delivered,
chemical weapon.
Guaranteed death
within three minutes.
What do I hear for this
miracle of modern science?
Do I hear...
Spread 'em, or I'll
blow your brains out.
Where the hell
you guys been?
Pulling stiffs
out of the Falls.
You promised
I could pull the
stiffs out this time.
I need the money.
We never got the $50.
We stopped Roy Boy
from jumping off.
What? You're jumping off
the Falls now?
I was making
a statement.
Stop with the
statement thing.
Get us a beer.
I do love
an auction.
What do I hear for this
beautiful, wire-guided,
uranium-tipped
fire-and-forget thing?
Who'll give me $1,000?
1,000, 1,000, 1,000?
$500, then.
Have $500 anyone?
$500, my ass.
Come on,
ladies and gentlemen.
Built right here
in Niagara Falls.
You can own one.
You built it.
You can own it now.
300, 300, 300, 4.
400, 400, 400, 400, 5.
Can we get out of here?
All these
guns and white people
are making me nervous.
Ease off with that
"white people" stuff.
You got me
looking at 'em funny.
I've got 25, 26, 25, 26.
Sold! $25.
All right.
Here you go.
AUCTIONEER:
Next, we have...
(SIRENS WAILING)
Pardon me.
Out of the way.
Let me by.
Anyone!
Could I have
$100, please?
Give me
that microphone.
I reckon
all of you know me.
I'm R.J. Hacker,
and I own Hacker Dynamics
and Hacker Aerospace,
Time-Hacker,
Hacker-Upjohn,
and a bunch of others
I don't even remember,
and you don't care.
You're upset because
I closed this plant
and put you
out on the street.
Well, I want you to know
I'm upset, too.
In fact, I get choked up
thinking about it.
(SIRENS WAILING)
ALL: Boo! Boo!
Shit.
Pill-popping freaks.
Look at this trash.
Just garbage.
Human garbage.
Look. That's what
we get for kicking butt
in every goddamn
corner of the world.
Why do we have to be
here at these closings?
General, we're here
to show the people
that we care.
Let's put on
a happy face,
shall we?
Used to be that you
had your Russian reds,
your Cuban red,
Hollywood red.
Here a red,
there a red,
everywhere a red red.
E-I-E-I-O.
But it kept us on our toes.
We didn't know
who to mistrust,
but we had
to defend ourselves.
You had good jobs
to put meat on the table.
But today we find ourselves
being destroyed
not by the reds,
but by a bunch
of shortsighted,
bleeding-heart,
penny-pinching
Washington wimps.
Who is this guy?
R.J. Hacker, sir.
How about some credit?
I'm the only president who
hasn't gotten us into a war.
I think that's his point, sir.
You have yet to send
our boys into battle.
Where?
Nobody's bothering us.
Send them anywhere,
sir.
Guaranteed 30-point
boost in the polls.
Well,
I'm not going
to start a war
just to increase
my popularity.
What can I do
for 20 points?
HACKER: ...makes me
want to commit acts
I cannot utter in public.
Here he is now.
The man that
a thin majority of you
chose to be President
of the United States.
(BAND PLAYS HAIL TO THE CHIEF)
(AUDIENCE SILENT)
Stu.
Little hard
on the leader
of the free world,
don't you think?
It's just
what he deserved.
This peace ain't all
it's cracked up to be.
Especially if we keep
laying off thousands
of voters.
What would you suggest
we do to keep these
factories open?
Should I call up
the Russians,
see if they want
to get back into it?
Don't you get
sarcastic with me,
you little pissant!
You just had an idea
that I liked!
I want you
to follow up on it.
See to it that those
Russkies get back in
the Cold War mode.
If you don't, you'll go
right back where I found you.
Now, don't make decisions.
Just do it.
PRESIDENT:
I want to thank you
for that great welcome.
You provided the power
to win the Cold War
for the United States
of America.
If we could take what
we spent on just one
day of the Cold War,
we could put our children
through school for the year.
Now's our chance to do it.
Time to turn off that
war machine and turn
on our children.
Turn...
Turn on our children.
The time has come,
fortunately,
for us to
beat our swords
into plowshares.
Excuse me.
Do you work here?
You work here?
I want
to get a copy
of the speech.
A transcript
or something?
And you are...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sheriff Bud Boomer,
Niagara County.
And your handle is?
What?
Your name? Your name.
Stuart Smiley,
the president's
National Security Advisor.
(WHISTLES)
Stu, you're just the
guy we wanted to see.
Can you give us a deal
at our sheriff's department?
We're looking for...
What do you call them?
The M-16
40-millimeter
grenade launchers.
Flash,
fragmentation,
incendiary illumination,
and smoke.
To go, please.
Are we putting on a play?
It's for civil
disturbances only.
"How many times
"must the cannonballs fly"
WOMAN: You tell us.
"Before they're forever
banned?"
MAN: Ugh.
"The answer, my friend,
"is blowin' in the wind.
"The answer, my friend..."
(GUN FIRING)
Okay. I'm in command here.
Stay calm.
Get off me!
MAN: The sheriff has
the eagle covered.
It's an honor to meet you.
I'm sorry I didn't
vote for you.
I had to stay home.
The cable installers
said they'd come...
Get off me.
Pardon?
Get off me!
I'm sorry. Sure.
Oh, God.
Good thing for you
the President liked me.
Otherwise, you'd
be in big trouble.
Right.
You must be really
important, Boomer.
You see
Cops last night?
I wouldn't miss it.
They kept
the camera running
while they were
waling away on
those guys.
Whack, whack,
whack, whack!
Oh, it was awesome!
Ooh!
You think we're ever
gonna be on Cops?
Damn right we will.
Wait'll they see me
throwing myself on
that grenade.
You threw the President
on the grenade.
Well, whatever.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
STU:
Morning, Mr. President.
GENERAL:
Morning, sir.
I have the results
from the overnight
tracking.
Care to hear the damage?
Yeah. I can take it.
It's good news, sir.
Immediately after
the assassination
attempt,
we got a 15-point boost
in the national polls.
Okay.
They dropped off
considerably
once word got out
that you were still alive.
But the initial massive
gains the Dow Jones made
after the assassination
bulletin
held for the entire
business day.
That's good news.
GENERAL:
According to this,
rumors that you were
clinically dead
for five minutes,
and returned to life
boosted your rating
with the religious right.
That's good.
But the voters felt that
your being alive or dead
had no real bearing
on their daily lives.
You can take that
a couple of ways.
With all due respect,
sir,
enjoy your single term.
You know, it's not fair.
Every other president
had the Russians to
blame for everything.
What have I got?
It is really
too bad that the Russians
are no longer in the game.
They weren't much fun
anyway.
Never got to kill any.
But without them,
you and your friends
would've had
to get real jobs.
That isn't funny,
Stu. Stu's got a point.
What point, sir?
You got a point, too.
My point
is that Russia
is in such shambles,
they couldn't
sissy-slap us
if they tried.
Well, they still have
all those missiles
lying around.
20,473, to be exact.
Are you kidding?
One of their breakaway
republics, Kazakhstan,
is the third-ranking
nuclear power in the world.
Are you kidding?
Most Americans don't know
where Kazakhstan is.
My travel agent
can't find it.
I can imagine why.
What do you want
to do about Russia?
Let's find out
who's in charge
over there this week.
STU: Vladimir Krushkin.
Vlad. I like him.
That's good.
Let's ask him to come over.
We can have a summit thing.
Maybe we can work
something out like before.
That's an excellent idea.
Super idea, sir.
We got
a contingency plan.
Good.
We'll bring it right in.
Good, good.
Look at the treacherous
bastards.
Once a commie,
always a commie.
Pretend
you're not here.
Shut up, peanuts.
All right. Be nice.
This man's our only hope.
Mr. President,
welcome to our summit.
You look great.
Let's eat.
Good. Right this way.
Have a good trip?
Wonderful.
Truly wonderful.
Mm-hm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mr. President,
we were wondering if, uh...
If you and I, you know...
If we couldn't sort
of get together and...
You know, mano y mano,
and...
And sort of
work something out,
sort of mix it up
the way we used to
in the good old days.
I don't mean a real war.
Just a little tension.
Sort of help people
forget about things.
Oh, Mr. President.
Please!
Is this why
you called us here?
We already gave up.
You've won.
We are too busy
trying to perfect
universal indoor plumbing.
That's right.
Indoor plumbing.
Maybe even a little...
Central heating.
A big Buick in every
garage would be nice.
A few cellular phones,
compact discs, MTV...
What is the name
of that other channel?
VH-1.
Yes! VH-1!
I'm so sorry,
Mr. President.
We can't go back
to the old days.
Please try
and understand.
Good day.
It's a trick,
Mr. President.
Damn right.
Can't we talk this over?
What is there
to talk over?
You're in charge
of the world now.
Don't be a sore winner.
I'm sure we
could discuss this
like civilized men.
Civilized men?
Is that
what we've both been
for the last 50 years?
Just a holy
goddamn minute,
your comradeship!
You don't go
throwing your
weight around
for half a century,
threatening the peaceful,
freedom-loving western world,
and decide one day
you don't want to
tug the rope no more.
Do you?
PRESIDENT: Mr. President,
I'm so sorry for this.
Sorry for this?
You made us spend trillions
on submarines and missiles,
and what did
all this rubbish get us?
Bread lines
and May Day parades!
GENERAL:
Don't chicken
out on us now!
STU: We need you.
I need you.
You don't always
get a second chance.
Attaboy, Stu!
GENERAL:
You can't do that!
Get off him!
Get off him!
I'm very sorry, Mr. President.
I'm very... All right.
Get over there.
Get over there.
Sorry.
I'm really,
truly sorry.
Maybe we could meet again.
How about Geneva?
We could
meet at Geneva,
sort of neutral territory.
Goodbye, Mr. President.
And good luck.
Any more
bright ideas?
What are we going to
do for an enemy now?
GENERAL: Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
I miss anything?
Nothing.
Also dead.
They're all dead.
You working
from an old list?
They're what
we're looking for.
This guy,
he's still alive.
But he's down in Florida
making license plates now.
She's reformed.
And looking good.
You know,
we were thinking,
what could be
a bigger threat
than aliens
invading from space?
Whoo-boy!
Scare the shit
out of everyone.
Even me, sir.
PRESIDENT: Is this
the best you could
come up with?
What about, you know,
international terrorism?
Sir, we're not going to
reopen missile factories
just to fight some creeps
running around in
exploding rental cars.
Turn on the lights.
I'm sorry.
I'm appalled.
I'm surprised you left those
killer bees off the list.
How about...
How about Canada?
O Canada
Our home and native land
True patriot love
In all thy sons command...
That's what I hate
about coming here.
You got to listen to
that song.
Check out the flag.
What is that,
a weed on there?
Give me a break!
Nice flag.
Let's go!
Let's go!
Drop the puck!
Let's go!
Come on! Face off!
O Canada
We stand on guard for thee
ANNOUNCER: Evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to Hockey Night
in Canada.
Tonight the American team
visits our Canadian champions,
the Ontario Beavers.
Please enjoy the game,
and remember,
no bad language
and no littering.
BOOMER:
Here we go!
Hey, Kabral, how come
you never see
any black guys
playing hockey?
Do you think it's easy to
just gradually take over
every professional sport?
Let me tell you
something, man,
brothers are starting to
figure out this ice thing.
Hope you enjoyed it.
These Canadians ain't
got a care in the world.
How about
the way they cheat
at the World Series?
That's our game, people!
KABRAL:
That is true.
And another thing.
Their beer sucks.
Ew!
Oh, boy!
Look at that!
That's footage
never seen on TV.
Yowsah!
It's amazing.
How did you know that
was a nuclear facility?
They tricked us there.
That's a hospital.
But it's
a hell of a strike.
We've got technology
we've never been
able to use.
TV ANNOUNCER:
A riot between
Americans and Canadians
broke out last night
at a hockey arena in
Niagara Falls, Ontario.
Police estimate
at least 60 people,
including
an American sheriff,
were detained overnight
by Canadian authorities.
I want to call
the American Embassy.
All I said was,
"Canadian beer sucks."
People!
People!
Can't we all
just get along?
Boy, these Canadians
are violent.
General,
can I use your
phone for a second?
Sure. Go ahead.
Yeah. Stu Smiley.
Give me Central Intelligence.
Yeah, Canada desk?
Timmy.
Hi, Stu.
What's up, Bill?
How you doing, Stu?
MAN 1: Re-route
the heroin through Cancun.
MAN 2:
Hold on a second.
Yeah. Oliver Stone.
There's Gus.
What do you say, Stu?
Long time no see, huh?
It's like
The Plaza in here.
They've got
me in a temporary
place here, that's all.
I see
you're still proud
of telling Kennedy
to send advisors
to Vietnam.
You're damn right.
The whole
Vietnam war was my idea.
Not ashamed of it one bit.
If they had
followed my advice
and gone nuclear...
I'm sure history
will vindicate you.
Would've wiped out
the Koreans, too.
Then we wouldn't be driving
behind them shitty little
compacts with no pickup.
Those cars are built
in South Korea.
They're our Koreans.
Like I care!
What have
you got for me?
Anything, something?
You mean Canada.
Yeah.
We can't talk here.
Let's go for a walk.
There a secretary
hidden somewhere to
hold your calls for you?
GUS: Remember the big
New York blackout?
Caused by a Canadian
hydroelectric plant,
Niagara Falls.
The canucks
claimed that it was
a faulty transmitter.
We had reason
to suspect otherwise.
Why? What do you mean?
These Canadians suffer from
a serious inferiority complex.
That's why
they built this.
Canadian National Tower,
world's tallest
freestanding structure.
Our scientists can't
figure out its purpose.
I'll bet
theirs can't either.
Jesus.
Canadians are always
dreaming up a lot of
ways to ruin our lives.
The metric system,
for the love of God!
Celsius!
Neil Young?
By God,
you're right, Gus.
Of course!
It was crazy of us
to have been
so blind for so long.
We thought,
they're just Canadians.
They're practically
the 51st state.
We admired them.
Clean streets,
no crime, no minorities.
How'd they do that?
No slavery.
God, they're smart.
Their entire government
is run by socialists.
But it's not
the real pinko stuff.
No! That's
where you're wrong.
They've always
had these tendencies.
"Capitalism must be
destroyed in all forms."
What's this?
We haven't been
paying attention.
We think that, oh,
they're a little strange
with the socialized
medicine stuff.
But do you know
they provide free
college to anyone?
Free trains,
free eyeglasses,
free condoms?
Jesus. Do your
superiors know
about this?
Ah, those gutless
desk mammals.
Ever since
I told them we'd finish
the Bay of Pigs by 10:00,
they've treated me
like dirt.
You've done
a great job here.
I'll make sure the President
knows of your fine work.
Like I care!
PRESIDENT: Canada?
Did you say Canada?
The American people,
Mr. Smiley,
would never,
ever buy this.
Mr. President,
the American people
will buy
whatever we
tell them to.
You know that.
Aren't you overlooking
one major obstacle,
like how to get
the average American
to hate and fear Canadians?
Hell, they're whiter
than we are.
Gentlemen, ladies,
allow me to clue you
to a few
rude awakenings.
For those that think Canada
is a mom-and-pop operation,
it's time to wake up
and smell the snow.
Fact: Canada's now
the second-largest
country in the world.
Fact: Canadians freely
cross over our borders,
walking among us...
Undetected.
How many of you knew
that they eliminated
the Miss Canada contest?
You're on
to something here.
Remember
the Air Force C-130
that crashed mysteriously
a few years ago?
And that just
happened to occur
over Canada,
Mr. President.
My God.
That's shocking.
When did they
get rid of Miss Canada?
A year ago.
Suppose
something like that
caught on down here.
One week,
Mr. President.
Give me one week,
and I'll have
Americans burning
maple leaves so fast,
they won't have time
to think about their
smog-filled lungs,
rising interest rates,
or their dwindling
savings accounts.
One week, sir.
Good evening.
Edwin S. Simon reporting.
NBS News has obtained
Pentagon documents
that show our neighbor
to the north,
the sovereign nation
of Canada,
has embarked
on a military program
aimed at the United States.
Canada, known for ages as
a polite and clean country,
has, under
a socialist majority,
undertaken a massive
military buildup
on its border
with the United States.
I don't like Canada.
It's freezing cold.
Canada owns more
of the U.S..
than any other country.
MAN: The Canadians.
They walk among us.
William Shatner.
Michael J. Fox.
Monty Hall.
Mike Myers.
Alex Trebek.
All of them Canadians.
All of them here.
Is Canadian prime minister
Clark MacDonald
a member of
a satanic cult?
SIMON: Most of Canada's
vast military technology
has been built and supplied
by the United States.
The Canadian National Tower
in Toronto,
erected to transmit
nuclear attack warnings
from radar stations
in northern Canada,
is now solely
in Canadian hands.
It is the height of six
American football fields,
or five Canadian
football fields.
As if Canadian football
really counts.
What would be
the psychological motivation
to erect a huge,
long, rigid shaft?
First, there is
no Canadian culture.
I've never read
any Canadian literature.
And when have you
heard anyone say,
"Honey, let's stay in and
order some Canadian food?"
SIMON: Congress is also
asking intelligence agencies
to investigate why
the Canadians maintain
a threatening lead
in Zamboni technology.
Think of your children
pledging allegiance
to the maple leaf.
Mayonnaise on everything.
Winter,
11 months of the year.
Anne Murray.
All day.
Every day.
Holy shit.
We're right on the border.
We're the first line
of defense.
We have to get
everyone organized.
All right, people!
Do not panic!
I repeat, do not panic!
I'm in complete control.
Now, Honey, Kabral,
Roy Boy, and myself,
we'll guard the hydro plant.
Snake,
you guard Ed's gun shop.
Dell, the bowling alley.
The rest of you,
guard this bar
with your lives.
DRUNK: Yeah.
All right, people.
Let's move out.
Fighting soldiers
from the sky
Fearless men
Who jump and die
Men who mean
Just what they say
The brave men
Of the green beret
Silver wings
Upon their chest
These are men
America's best
100 men
Will test today
But only three
Win the green beret
Put silver wings
On my son's chest
Make him one
Of America's best
He'll be a man
They'll test one day
Have him win
The green beret
Now,
who would've thought?
America against
the scary Canadians.
Boy, I'm good.
I'm going to let you
in on a little secret.
Mmm!
Mmm, Christ.
The American public's
attention span
is about as long
as your dick.
You have got to give
Americans something real,
something they can
get their teeth into,
something that will make
them cry, "Bloody murder!"
Americans will not go
to war, even a Cold War,
unless they truly believe
that their very lives
are threatened.
What do you
have in mind?
Back in the early 1960s,
my old buddy
Lyndon Johnson says,
"Boys, why don't we just
bomb one of our own ships
"and blame it on
the North Vietnamese?"
We did.
We shelled
a U.S. Navy ship
in the Gulf of Tonkin.
At least, that's
what we told everybody.
As far as I know, that
damn boat was out in
the middle of Lake Erie.
But,
24 hours later
the U.S. Senate
voted 98 to 2
to send troops
to Vietnam.
That's
an amazing story.
That's the truth,
and it can still work.
MALE TV ANNOUNCER:
Like maple syrup,
Canada's evil oozes
over the United States.
How long will we remain
silent to the screams?
Oh, that is stunning.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Everyone knows
what it's like to get
syrup on your fingers.
This guy's ingenious.
I mean...
Mr. President,
Canadian Prime Minister!
Clark?
How's Claire?
You were just watching
on NBS, really?
I don't know
what to think.
Looks like you people
are planning something nasty.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
What? If you feel that
way about it, goodbye.
I like this.
I think now
may be the time
to turn up the heat.
What do you mean?
Well, what if...
I'm just spitballing here.
That's okay.
Go ahead.
A Canadian hit squad,
i.e., trained professionals,
who looked
like Canadians,
were photographed sabotaging
an important installation
inside the U.S.
Let's go there
with a strike force,
knock out
their infrastructure
quicker than you can say,
"Collateral damage."
No.
No.
Why not?
Yeah, why not?
A war with Canada
would be over in days.
Remember Grenada?
They didn't even wake
Reagan up.
Didn't have to.
All we found were rich
American med school rejects
and a couple of
Cuban construction workers.
That's liberal bullshit.
Cuba had a division
in there.
What about Panama?
Right. Listen to this.
A few days of blasting
Def Leppard over
loudspeakers,
and Noriega
ran out weeping.
And Iraq? Ha!
Ha.
They were supposed to
have this big, bad army.
They had
the biggest cannon,
invented by a Canadian.
72 hours
after we invade,
they're begging
for a big Mac.
They stopped us
a hundred miles
short of Baghdad.
We just sat there
waving our dicks
at the desert.
Mr. President,
do you want more of that,
or 50 years of
Cold War prosperity
because Joe Schmoe
American is scared
shitless
the world's going to end
before the next commercial?
Well, I think I like
Mr. Smiley's approach.
Oh!
No, no.
I really like it.
Here's what
we're going to do.
We'll get some Special Ops.
We'll disguise them
as Canadians
and let them
blow something up.
But nothing valuable, okay?
No casualties, all right?
There will
be no casualties,
and Canada gets the blame.
Come on.
Step on the gas!
Double time.
Double time.
We're just minutes away
from blowing this hydro
plant to kingdom come.
Ha! I'm back!
GUS: You got them
down there?
Wait till those
SOBs back at Langley see
this on the nightly news.
BOOMER:
Freeze! The both of you!
Don't move.
Don't anybody move.
Honey, Canadians
on the east wing.
Bring the boys, quick!
Who the hell are you?
Who the hell are you?
Get out! Go on!
Look what we found!
Get your hands up there.
Come on!
Hey, spread 'em!
Come on.
Spread 'em! Let's go!
Under the articles of
the Fifth Geneva Convention,
and with the powers
invested in me by...
Would you please shut up?
We're American!
Who plays quarterback for
the St. Louis Cardinals?
I have no idea.
There ain't no more
St. Louis Cardinals!
They moved to Phoenix!
Wait.
Give us another one.
HONEY:
Sorry. Time's up!
Cuff 'em!
Frisk these canucks!
Then call
the CIA, the FBI,
the DA, and the ASPCA,
and call Channel 5.
You're going to be on TV.
The nation
remains stunned today
after the capture
of secret Canadian agents
who were attempting to blow
up the hydroelectric plant
in Niagara Falls, New York.
The Canadians
were apprehended
by Niagara Sheriff,
Bud B. Boomer.
BOOMER: Move! Move! Move!
Right.
Our correspondent,
Charles Jackal,
who is rejoining us
after a stint
at the Betty Ford Clinic,
kicks off
our team coverage.
Chuck, it's great
to have you back.
And it's great to be back.
I want to apologize for
the hurt I may have
caused that night
to so many of you,
especially those
who were standing
too close to the curb.
You know who you are.
Forgive me.
Ed, it's
a startling revelation.
Canada, getting
ready to invade,
has amassed 90%
of its population
along its border
with the United States.
The longest unprotected
border in the world,
stretching from
the Atlantic Ocean
to that other one.
You'll be pleased
to know, sir,
that the Hacker Hellstorm
was delivered to
and installed in
Toronto yesterday.
Good work.
Good work, boy.
When I found you,
I said to myself,
"I can make something
out of that sniveling
little sneak."
Yes, sir.
Sir,
what exactly is
the Hacker Hellstorm?
I'm just curious
since I sold it and all.
Well,
that's fair enough, Stu.
The Hacker Hellstorm
is a devastating weapon,
a destabilizing weapon,
and it is capable
of launching
all the missiles
in the United States
at once.
Really?
But the Canadians will
never, ever use it.
How can you be so sure?
Because I didn't give them
the operating codes.
Really?
They think
it gives them an edge
on high-tech
weather forecasting.
Uh-huh.
So the Hellstorm
is harmless, yes?
Ah, Stuey.
Honey!
Honey!
What the...
Holy shit.
What the hell?
Honey?
Shh!
Kabral.
What does this
look like to you?
Got me. I never saw
a white one that size.
It's the Canadian
National Tower.
Maybe I better
carry the guns.
Where we going?
Boomer's got a special
mission for us.
Says Canadians are too
clean for their own good.
We're crossing over.
To Canada?
Yep. We're
going in tonight
to kick some
Canadian butt.
Can we go to the Tower?
No. I don't think so.
Cut the engine.
It's making too much noise.
(ENGINE STOPS)
What did you say?
We have to be very quiet.
We're all going
to have to paddle.
Get those oars in the water.
Go on.
Put your back into it.
Nice and easy.
There you go.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Canada.
This'll drive them crazy!
There is no more heinous
crime than this in Canada.
Are you sure
we're in Canada?
Do you smell anything?
No.
Exactly. Canada!
Hey, those look
like my socks.
That isn't garbage!
That's my laundry.
Roy Boy, you idiot!
Pick this up!
You stupid jerk,
what are you doing?
My good stuff.
Hello,
who goes there?
Freeze!
Johnny Canuck!
Leave the park
immediately
and go back to
where you came from.
Scatter! Everybody
back to the boat!
Sir, you can't end your
sentence with a preposition.
Oh, really?
(WHOOPING)
Well, what
would you say?
Well, I guess
I'd say either,
"Go back from
where you came,"
or the preferred
Queen's English,
"Go back, thee,
from whence thou came."
Oh, man, that was close.
We were staring death
right in its face!
So, uh...
Where's Honey?
Oh, man,
we forgot Honey!
I left Honey behind!
We left a man behind.
Boomer left a man behind!
The Marines never
leave a man behind.
Chuck Norris never
left a man behind.
Wesley Snipes never
leaves a man behind!
She's all alone
behind enemy lines.
I got to think!
She's going to be fine.
She's a survivor.
She's strong!
(EXPLOSIONS)
Hope she doesn't kill anybody.
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt our
regularly-scheduled program
and go live
to the President
of the United States.
We have just learned that
the Canadian government
is holding an American
citizen hostage.
I have communicated
with the Canadian
Prime Minister
our demand that
this hostage,
this woman,
uh, hostage Honey,
must be released now!
Oh, my God. Honey!
To facilitate this,
I've ordered our
armed forces on alert,
and I've ordered them
to prepare to engage
in Operation
Canadian Bacon.
And I want to say to
Prime Minister MacDonald,
"Surrender her pronto,
or we'll level Toronto."
God bless America.
MAN:
God bless America.
God bless you,
Mr. President.
Oh, Honey.
And, honey, I miss you
And I'm being good
And I'd love
to be with you
If only I could
This just got in.
We have received amateur
videotape of hostage Honey.
Roy Boy, Kabral, quick!
Huh?
Honey!
HONEY: Boomer!
Traitor!
You Benedict Arnold!
You took off
and left me here...
Oh, she's pissed.
You think?
I'll rip out every bone in your
body!
She's mad at you, Boomer.
Boomer, you hear me?
SIMON: She is being held
at Mountie Headquarters
in Niagara Falls, Canada.
Sources in the
intelligence community
speculate that Canada
may be preparing to
terminate her,
which would certainly
be in keeping with what
we know about the Canadians.
BOOMER: Terminate?
This is no less
than an act of war.
There's a time to think
and a time to act,
and this, gentlemen,
is no time to think.
We'll have
one more round,
and then we'll go.
Chester!
Another round.
Same thing.
Gives Honey a chance
to cool off a little bit.
Yeah, we know.
Yeah.
Come on.
Out of the way.
There's not
a locked door in
the whole country.
Let's go!
(SHOUTING)
I don't want to
have to drop first blood,
but I will if I have to!
I mean it, I'll hurt you.
Everybody
down on the ground,
and no one will be hurt!
MAN ON TV:
The elk, the beaver, and the
moose are man's best friends.
All right, Pops,
who's in charge?
Just the two of us,
just Ruthie and me.
No other personnel
in the whole building?
No. We're
the night shift.
Excuse me, ma'am,
there's not
another control room?
No, dear, this is it.
Thank you.
Boomer, maybe
we better just go, huh?
Stand your ground, soldier!
Oh, brother.
Now, let me
get this straight.
You're telling me that
you two are responsible
for supplying
all the electricity
to your entire nation?
That's about
the size of it.
Oh, Dad.
Does he ever
like to brag.
Put those needles down,
nice and easy,
where I can see them.
Spread out!
Find the power source for
the Mountie Headquarters.
I'm going to ask you
one more time.
Where is the power switch
to the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police Headquarters?
You're going to tell me
sooner or later.
Now, we can do it my way,
which is very nice
right now,
or we can do it their way,
which you're
not going to like.
You Canadians
are so sneaky.
Don't touch that.
You'll black out
most of Canada!
Yeah, right.
What do we look like,
jerks?
Please!
KABRAL:
You screwed up now.
BOOMER:
I'll be the judge of that!
All right.
Let's move out.
And you, don't tell
anybody we was here.
Come on!
(GRUNTS)
You know, I could
get to like this.
Really?
On these screens here,
Mr. President.
What is this?
What's happening?
All of Canada
is going dark, sir.
What do you make of this?
I'll tell you,
but you'll dislike it.
Mr. President,
Prime Minister MacDonald,
calling from Ottawa.
Yes...
Clark, hi.
Now, why would we want
to cut off your power?
No. What... Calm down.
Calm...
No. If we were up
to something, we would
have mined your harbors.
Damn right.
What? Who?
Yeah, I see. Yeah.
We'll check this out,
and we'll get back to you.
Goodbye!
You're not going
to believe this.
That same
goddamned sheriff
from Niagara Falls,
that hero...
Bud Boomer.
He's the one responsible
for the blackout.
Boomer? Oh, sir.
That's bullshit!
This is
a Canadian trick.
Blame us,
get world sympathy,
and make it impossible
for our
night-attack bombers
to locate their cities
and destroy
their inhabitants.
God, sir,
that's the oldest
trick in the book!
MOUNTIE: "Thank you
for sleeping so quietly.
"I love you.
"Even though
you're a criminal.
"Thank you
for keeping
your cell clean.
"I
"miss you."
Welcome to Canada.
Hold it right there,
canuck.
Who are you?
I'm your worst nightmare.
I'm a citizen with
a constitutional
right to bear arms.
Take the pelts.
Take whatever you want.
We don't want
your stinking pelts.
Have some fudge.
Just leave me alone.
Didn't you hear him?
We're your
worst nightmare.
My worst nightmare
involved a pack of
rabid wolves.
I was stuck somewhere
in the Yukon,
and there were
tall, skinny rabbits,
and they were
drinking heavily.
(GLASS BREAKING)
Just shut up!
We want your prisoner.
Where is she?
I don't know what
you're talking aboot, eh.
"Aboot?" It's "about!"
What we're
talking about!
And enough of
that "eh" business.
Learn to talk right,
understand?
We got ways of making you
pronounce the letter "o."
I want my Honey!
Now, get the keys
for the cells now.
Now!
Easy.
Easy.
Okay, Mr. Canuck.
Mr. Two-time
World Series winner.
Hey, watch
that fancy move!
See? This is all
the prisoners we have.
This man was arrested for
putting regular gas into
an unleaded tank.
Where do you
think you're going?
I'm going over to show
you the next guy.
Easy. One step at a time.
This man was arrested
for being in too many
bad moods.
I got you covered.
I got you covered.
I got you covered, buddy.
This man raided
a company, merged it
with his conglomerate,
and then fired
all the employees.
Get away from the bars,
you scum!
Boomer!
Hold on, Jack.
Now,
you tell us
where Honey is.
Let me paint a picture
for you, buddy.
She's petite,
extremely beautiful,
and heavily armed.
Wait. You mean
the litterbug.
They took her
to the capital
to give her a free
mental health examination.
Good.
The capital, Toronto.
No. The capital
of Canada is Ottawa.
Yeah, right.
Do we look that stupid?
Ottawa!
Nice try, Dudley.
All right, boys!
We're going to Toronto.
The capital.
Do you want some water?
Mmm-hmm.
Too bad.
Gentlemen.
Let's take the truck.
Let's go!
Hey, Boomer?
Yeah? What's wrong?
I got an idea.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Mr. President, I think
we should look on the
positive side.
What we have is a brave but
misguided group of Americans
who've gone into Canada
and kicked some serious
Canadian butt.
Well, we've got
to do something.
We could send in
the Omega Force.
Isn't that
a bit drastic?
Sir, the
Helms Amendment
and NSC Order 725
both specifically prohibit
the use of Omega Force
against Caucasians.
That's right.
I guess if I were the
President's male secretary,
I might read the
Helms Amendment that way.
What choice
do we have, sir?
We have to take
this sheriff out immediately
before this turns
into a shooting war
instead of the Cold War
that we wanted.
Mr. President.
Hey! Hey!
Sheriff Boomer has
become a national idol
at a time
when our people
lack true heroes,
yourself excluded, sir.
It would seem wise
not to lose him.
General,
the President
should see this, sir.
Enraged by the imprisonment
of hostage Honey,
and inspired by their hero
Bud Boomer,
U.S. citizens
from coast to coast
are taking actions against
Americans of Canadian birth
and suspected
Canadian sympathizers.
Some Americans
in other border towns
have followed Sheriff Boomer
into Canada
with the hope
of liberating that country.
Everything I see or
read about these
Canadians
just makes me
want to puke!
(CHANTING) U.S.A. U.S.A.
It's time we put America
back in North America.
God bless Bud Boomer!
(CHANTING) U.S.A. U.S.A.
Oh, Christ.
Mr. President,
I believe we have no choice
but to remove Bud Boomer
judiciously.
Now.
PRESIDENT:
Well, it's an idea.
Send in Omega Force!
Spread your tiny wings
and fly away...
Go fish.
Welcome to Canada.
Who are you?
That was
totally unnecessary.
SOLDIER 1:
Where is Boomer?
I had an amazing hand.
SOLDIER 2:
Where is he?
Toronto.
We're coming, Honey.
We're coming.
Hey, Boomer,
how come you never
let me drive, man?
Just don't start with me,
all right?
The black cat
never gets to drive.
It's not because
you're black.
Lots of black guys
drive all the time.
For example.
What's his name?
Danny Glover
in Driving Miss...
What's her name?
Danny Glover didn't drive
Miss Daisy.
He drove Mel Gibson.
He didn't drive
Mel Gibson.
That's Eddie Murphy
drives Mel Gibson.
Eddie Murphy
drives Nick Nolte.
He does not.
ROY BOY: Hey, guys,
I drove once.
(SIREN WAILING)
BOOMER: Oh, jeez.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, jeez.
Maybe it's not us.
It's not us.
Pull over! Pull over!
It's us. He wants us.
All right.
We're pulling over.
All right, fellas.
Just act normal,
all right? Act normal.
Not normal for us.
Normal for regular people.
Good day.
Hi.
May I see your license
and registration, please?
There you go.
Thank you.
Oh, Americans!
Welcome to Ontario,
a sportsman's paradise.
Isn't it, though?
Please get out and
step away from the vehicle.
Okay.
What is wrong
with this picture?
Um...
Uh...
No snow tires.
No.
I was driving on the
wrong side of the road.
I can explain that.
I am not used to
your rules up here.
That's not it.
This writing on the
side of your vehicle.
Oh! How did that
get there?
Those kids at the garage,
I just...
Whatever.
My concern is
the sensibilities
of a certain distinct
and viable part
of Canadian society.
Les Quebecois.
Huh?
You know,
wine drinkers.
Pea-soup eaters.
French Canadians.
Oh, yeah.
Those guys. Sure.
If you wish to
avoid prosecution,
I'd advise
that you comply
with our language laws,
which specifically prescribe
that all signs be in
both English and French,
Canada's two
official languages.
Okay.
I do have to fine you.
That'll be $1,000 Canadian
or $10 American if you'd
prefer.
Oh! No. I'll pay the
American there. Yeah.
There you go, buddy.
Here you are, $10.
Thank you very much.
There's your receipt.
Thank you.
And now...
(RATTLES)
In French,
if you please.
WOMAN ON INTERCOM:
Dr. Wall, Dr. Wall,
please pick up line five.
All doctors participating
in today's house calls,
please report to the lobby.
"Get well soon
"from
Prime Minister
Clark MacDonald."
Anyone in need
of a free triple bypass,
please sign the bonus slip
in your room.
"Get well, get well,
feel good."
This is...
"Best wishes,
Gordon Lightfoot."
Ew!
HONEY: Ottawa!
MAN: Go, Fifi!
So, we're up and around,
are we?
And how are
we feeling today?
Aren't you two a little
young to be doctors?
Oh, we're not doctors.
We're candy stripers.
Our universal
health care system
has determined that
you don't actually
need a doctor until...
Until then,
we're here to see
that you're comfortable
and to give you, uh...
A kidney transplant.
No, that can't be right.
Check the paperwork.
Ow!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, Douglas!
Born
Born in the U.S.A.
I was
Born in the U.S.A.
I was
Born in the U.S.A.
I was
Born in the U.S.A.
I was
Born in the U.S.A.
Born in the U.S.A.
Dah, dah
Dah, dah, dah, U.S.A.
If you catch a cold,
there's some aspirin
in the cabinet.
And thanks for hanging on
to my American-made
assault weapons.
WOMAN ON INTERCOM:
Dr. Fred Einerschmidt to 2-B.
Give me that.
Oklahoma
Oklahoma
Oklahoma
[ humming ]
Oklahoma
Oklahoma
Oklahoma
Oklahoma
Hey, it's okay.
It was just my toe.
(GUN FIRING)
(HARMONICA PLAYS OFFKEY)
(WOLF HOWLS)
All right.
That's enough, man.
You guys aren't thinking
about Honey at all, are you?
I'm worried sick.
Ever see
The Dirty Dozen?
That was a cool movie.
Man, that
was real cool.
Lee Marvin.
Charles Bronson.
Ernest Borgnine.
Jim Brown.
Telly Savalas,
Clint Walker.
Jim Brown.
Trini Lopez!
Cool.
Trini Lopez?
I never could
figure that one out.
What the hell was he doing
in The Dirty Dozen?
If I was putting together
a group of murderers
and cutthroats,
Trini Lopez would not
be in the starting lineup.
That's why he dies first.
Don't they all die?
No.
Jim Brown dies.
What do you expect?
Of all
The Dirty Dozen,
this black guy's
supposed to sneak in
behind enemy lines and
pretend he's a Kraut?
That's not it, man.
It's just the black guy
always dies.
Think about it, man.
Unforgiven.
Alien.
Rocky IV.
The Shining.
Star Trek II.
Forrest Gump.
Witness.
Annie Hall.
Not Annie Hall.
Night of the Living Dead.
That's the one!
And what about that brother
in Jurassic Park?
Oh, that was cool.
Two black guys died
in that one. A twofer!
You must be really
pissed off at that one.
I'm telling you, man,
the black guy
always dies first.
Oh, aw, man.
Hey. Don't worry,
Kabral.
You'll pass
for Canadian.
You really do need help.
Oh, I need help?
Yeah.
Knock it off with
this Dirty Dozen stuff.
Did anyone see Dirty Dancing?
Whoo!
That was a good movie.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Welcome
to the Hacker Hellstorm,
your one-stop program
for total nuclear destruction.
Please enter
your pin code now.
You have
reached the Hellstorm
communications center.
Please choose
your missile launch sites
from your on-screen menu.
Establishing contact
with all U.S. launch sites.
American missiles
now under the control
of the Hacker Hellstorm.
Countdown ready to commence.
Hellstorm activated.
Thank God for technology.
12 hours to launch.
(ALARM HORN BLARES)
Any word
from Omega Force,
like where they are?
Hell, they...
(ALARM SOUNDS)
What the hell is that?
It's Def-Con 4, sir.
Just remind me.
What is Def-Con 4?
Defense condition 4, sir.
A nuclear attack
is imminent
or the opposite.
I'm not quite sure.
MAN: Imminent, Stu!
There you go, imminent.
Well,
can't we stop this?
The siren, sir,
or nuclear exchange?
Either one!
Sir, our missile
silos in southern Utah
have somehow
become activated.
PRESIDENT: Well,
who ordered that?
It wasn't me, was it?
No. I didn't order that.
Can't you stop this?
General Panzer,
where are those
missiles aimed?
Well, sir, uh...
Those ICBMs in
southern Utah are
directed at...
At Moscow, sir.
What?
Why would you aim
missiles at an ally?
Sir, it seems that
nearly all of our
missiles
are directed at targets in
the former Soviet Republics.
Why the hell is that?
With all due respect,
sir,
your boys
in Intelligence
never could decide
who was
a big enough threat
to point those
babies elsewhere.
Let me say, sir,
if one of
our birds lands
in the Russkies'
backyard,
plenty will
be landing in ours.
I have just arrived here
as part of the Pentagon
Press Corps.
There are some things
we will not be allowed
to show you.
But you can rest assured
that you will be getting
all of the information
you need to know.
I am standing here...
(BLEEP)
...in the middle of... (BLEEP)
And it is...
(BLEEP)
For those
of you with sons
and daughters up here,
I can only say that...
(BLEEP)
And that's about
the only thing
that has been going
wrong at this point.
MAN: The activation order
appears to be coming from
Canada.
How can Canada
activate our missiles?
Oh, shit.
The Hacker Hellstorm.
The what?
The Hacker Hellstorm.
Sir, it's a program
you canceled
when you tried to
balance the budget.
What is
the Hacker Hellstorm?
Vargo.
It's an
automatic nuclear
response system, sir.
It initiates a nuclear
counterstrike on its own.
I never liked it.
Took the fun out
of Armageddon.
I'm glad
they canceled
the son of a bitch.
How did Canada get it?
That's classified.
Classified?
I'm the President!
How did Canada get it,
Stu?
I want to talk to
Hacker right now!
ROY BOY: It's a vision.
My eyes.
There it is, men.
Toronto.
It's beautiful.
It's like
no other city
I've ever seen.
It's like Albany.
Only cleaner.
The Tower!
BOOMER:
That's Toronto, boys.
ROY BOY: Cool.
Wow!
ROY BOY:
Jeez, how do they
clean all those windows?
BOOMER:
Windex, dummy.
Where did they get
so many buildings?
It's eerie.
Where is everybody?
I don't like this.
Me neither.
There's a kid up there.
Hey, hey, kid.
Kid, where is everybody?
The Tower.
The Tower?
The Canadian National Tower.
Some crazy
American woman's
there with a big gun.
Oh, thanks.
Crazy American
lady with a gun.
It's Honey!
Come on, fellas, let's go.
MAN ON PA:
Attention, please.
Attention, please.
This is the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police.
Would you come down
from the Tower, please?
HONEY: If you say "please"
one more time,
I'm going to let you
have it.
No, no, no.
I got that part.
What
I don't understand
is how the Canadians
have a fully functional
and operational Hellstorm.
I thought what I
sold them was not usable.
How the hell
did I let you
get me into this?
Stuey.
God Almighty.
Why do you
bother your head
with this kind of crap?
Maybe it's because
you're an only child.
Or maybe it's because
you're becoming irrelevant.
Now, calm down,
for Christ's sake.
Mmm-hmm.
The Canadians cannot
launch any missiles.
Only I can,
because I
have the codes,
all of them.
And I'm in control.
So, easy.
Missile countdown
has started in
Wyoming and Montana.
All right.
I want an answer.
Does Canada
have the power
to launch America's
nuclear weapons?
The Hacker Hellstorm
can do that and a lot more.
And if you hadn't
canceled that program,
the technology would
still be in American hands.
So you sold control
of American missiles
to a foreign country.
If you can call
Canada foreign.
Or a country.
When you canceled
that program,
you left me
standing there
out of pocket
$500 million!
I got to make up on
a shortfall like that.
After all the billions
he's made on Uncle Sam.
In a decent,
God-fearing country,
I'd be allowed to beat
the two of you to death.
It's scum like you that make
a simple war all screwed up
and confusing.
It's people like us who keep
people like you in business.
MAN: We're now registering
missile activity in Nevada.
All right,
now I want to know
where exactly did
you install this,
this Hellstorm thing?
Ever run an old possum
up a tree, Mr. President?
He'll find the highest
branch he can.
Out of my way.
Out of my way.
Out of my way.
CANADIAN 1:
Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Out of my way.
Out of my way.
CANADIAN 2: I'm sorry.
Out of my way.
Out of my way.
CANADIAN 3: I'm sorry.
All right.
You wait here.
I'll be right back.
Get out of my way.
Oh.
Now, you know that I
built Hellstorm number 1.
But what you don't know
is that I also built
Hellstorm number 2.
Two? What's that?
What's two?
It's to defend us
against Hellstorm 1.
Just in case an enemy
should ever acquire it.
I don't want to say that
it's pure genius, but...
No, no.
It's insane!
It's business.
And I can let you
have it immediately,
but it won't be cheap.
It won't be cheap?
How much will it be?
$1 trillion.
$1 trillion!
That includes
the cost overruns.
Mr. Hacker, you've got
Uncle Sam by the cojones.
Don't you have
any patriotism,
sir?
What about the Alamo?
The Halls of Montezuma?
The Sands of Iwo Jima?
The Guns of Navarone?
Didn't you ever
fantasize about
The Duke
in The Flying Leathernecks?
Huh?
I mean, fantasize
about being The Duke,
not fantasize
about The Duke.
You know what I mean,
sir?
WOMAN:
30 minutes to launch.
(ALARM BLARES)
Oh, God.
GENERAL: What have you
got there?
Oh, my God.
Mr. President, we have
a situation Uranus in
Utah.
They bumped their birds
up to T-minus 7.
This is terrible.
I didn't understand
a word of what he said.
He said
the missiles will
launch in seven minutes.
Oh, my God!
Mr. President, you got
six minutes and change.
This is a mistake
you do not want
to make!
Negotiate with him.
Give him what he wants!
I know.
Just give me a second.
Gentlemen, I intend
to put some shoe leather
between me
and ground zero.
Call me, Mr. President,
when you decide to give
me the money.
Wait a second.
Hold on one second.
I don't understand
something.
Why would the
Canadians try to start a war
between us and the Russians?
I don't get that.
Hacker!
Hacker! Hack...
Get me Intelligence.
I need Intelligence.
Canada's not launching
those missiles.
You are!
Give me the money,
then I'll turn it off.
Give me
the goddamn codes!
You son of a bitch,
you're through!
Oh, my God!
Guards!
Arrest Mr. Smiley!
Wait! I got the codes!
(MUFFLED SPEECH)
Mr. Hacker?
Mr. Hacker?
I think
this old possum
has bought the farm.
E-I-E-I-O.
CANADIAN 1: Oh, excuse me.
CANADIAN 2: Pardon me.
CANADIAN 3: Sorry.
CANADIAN 4: Oh!
Sorry!
Stu, Stu, Stu,
it really pains me
to see you this way.
Ah, who am I kidding?
We'll torture him later.
Get him out of here.
What about the Russians?
Call Moscow.
We've got to warn them.
Vladimir Krushkin.
He was in briefly
over lunch,
countercoup, he was out,
then reinstalled again.
As of supper,
he was still there.
Let me level
with you, sir.
I would destroy
any nation,
even my own,
if my president
gave the order.
So you just
say the word, sir,
and we'll do what
we should have done
in the first place.
We'll nuke the slimy
canuck bastards.
We'll wipe their frigid,
goddamned country
off the map.
I can't kill
America's neighbors.
I can.
I summer up there.
I understand, sir.
Mr. President, we've lost
contact with Omega Force.
Well, that's it.
Moscow is
about to light up
hotter than a pig roast
on flag day.
That'll certainly guarantee
a retaliatory gesture
against the United States.
No shit.
Get Prime Minister
MacDonald on the phone.
I'll give him
anything he wants.
Got to.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: This is
the Hacker Hellstorm
weather forecasting center.
1 minute, 50 seconds
to total annihilation.
Have a nice day.
Mr. Prime Minister,
I'm asking you to
stop it.
Now pay attention
to me, okay?
I'm talking about
the Hacker Hellstorm.
You got it,
and you've got
to turn it off.
Clark,
we can't turn it off.
Of course we've tried!
We can't turn it...
He's putting his wife on.
Hi.
(MUMBLES)
Ecoutez,
vous avez gagne.
Uh...
Fermez les "rockettes",
okay?
About two years
in high school
and about four years
in college.
Well, thank you.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: American
missiles will launch
in 1 minute and 30 seconds.
(ALARM HORN BLARES)
Oh! Oh! When will it end?
(GROANING)
Clark, are you
listening to me?
Don't launch the rockets.
Our rockets!
Don't launch them!
I'm giving up,
you understand?
Whatever you want,
you've got it!
You've won!
Don't play games
with me, Clark!
You won!
Canuck central!
ELECTRONIC VOICE:
T-minus 15 seconds.
(ALARM HORN BLARES)
(GASPS)
The canucks and Hacker?
10 seconds to launch.
Prepare to launch.
Clark, please!
We're running out of time!
That's my Honey.
Boomer!
Don't like heights.
We've got to get out of here.
Come on!
Step on it.
HONEY: Now, this is what
I call a health care system.
Look, Honey. Home.
Home.
The US of A.
HONEY:
Whoo! Let's go.
GUS: There it is!
Like I care!
BOOMER: We're going to
be there any minute now!
Oh, yeah! Trust me.
Only in America
Can a guy from anywhere
Go to sleep a pauper
And wake up
a millionaire
Only in America
Can a kid
without a cent
Get a break and maybe
grow up to be president
Only in America
Land of opportunity,
yeah
Could a boy
who's nothing
Be something
and be everything
Only in America
Can a kid
who's washin' cars
Take a giant step
And reach right up
and touch the stars
Only in America
Could a dream
like this come true
Could a guy like me
Start with nothing
and end up
Like you
Only in America
Land of opportunity,
yeah
Could a boy
who's nothing
Be something
and be everything
Be everything
America
America
America
America
America
Beneath its snowy mantle
cold and clean
The unborn grass
lies waiting
For its gold to turn
to green
The snowbird sings the song
he always sings
And speaks to me
of flowers
That will bloom again
in Spring
When I was young
my heart was young then, too
And anything
that it would tell me
That's the thing
that I would do
But now I feel
such emptiness within
For the thing that I want
most in life's
The thing
that I can't win
Spread your tiny wings
and fly away
And take the snow
back with you
Where it came from
on that day
The one I loved forever
is untrue
And if I could
You know that I would
fly away with you
The breeze along the river
seems to say
That he'll only
break my heart again
Should I decide to stay
Spread your tiny wings
and fly away
And take the snow
back with you
Where it came from
on that day
The one I loved forever
is untrue
And if I could
You know that I would
fly...
away with you