Candy Cane Lane (2023) Movie Script

Merry Christmas, baby
Merry Christmas, baby
Sure did treat me nice
Santa came down the chimney
Half past 3:00, y'all
Left all them good ol' presents
For my baby and for me, ah-ah-ah
Merry Christmas, baby
Sure did treat me nice
Oh, baby
You bought all those good ol' presents
I love you, baby,
for the rest of my life
Merry Christmas, baby
Sure did treat me nice
Ah! And God said, "Let there be Santa."
Holy cow. Wow.
You sure got a thing for candy canes,
don't you, Chris?
And you sure got a thing
for big blow-up dolls, don't you, Bruce?
Yeah, I love those blow-up dolls.
Oh. Okay. No.
I see what you did there.
Did you blow all those up?
We're, uh, we're a family that blows.
And I see you're, uh, still carving
your wood... little hobby.
Yeah. All hand-carved.
Yeah, it's cute.
It's not first-place cute, but it's cute.
I don't know how a blow-up doll
could, you know,
compare with this handcraftsmanship.
Not interested.
- Well, we'll see. We'll see, Bruce.
- We w... We will see.
We will see. We will see.
We will see.
Do I want an invisibility cloak
or flying shoes?
If an elf can make it,
you can wish for it, okay?
Santa's elves can make anything.
They can make anything.
Now finish that letter.
Come on. We got to send it
all the way to the North Pole.
How much more inflatable crap
is Bruce gonna put on that roof?
Oh, Bruce.
Babe, thank you for reminding me.
Please don't forget to buy a nice bottle
of red for us to go over there tonight.
I'm not getting a good bottle
for the competition.
They're not the competition.
They're our neighbors.
Dad, where are my cleats?
Your cleats are right here.
You know, Joy, I was wondering:
Since you're having such a hard time
keeping track of things
while you're at home,
what's gonna happen
when you go off to college...
Notre Dame?
How'd this get in the house?
Dad, I... I know that you guys met at USC,
but I don't want to go there.
What?! Huh?!
Excuse me.
USC is in your blood.
- Fight on.
- Fight on!
Listen, sweetheart, I-I would be happy
to call my old softball coach.
No, Mom, I...
I'm-I'm shattered
that you don't want to go to USC.
Wow. Joy.
USC. Fight on.
- Fight on, honey.
- Fight on.
Only a half hour away.
You could spend so much time with Dad.
That's right.
It's only 20 minutes with no traffic.
You could eat dinner with your family
every night.
Nick, um, how did that math test go?
Oh, you had a math test? What'd you get?
I don't let grades define me, Dad.
All right, that does not sound good.
Yeah, that don't sound good at all.
Look, Nick, if you want to win in life,
you have to learn to focus
on what's important.
Well, my music is important.
Math is required. Music is elective.
Okay, but, sweetie,
the-the music makes him happy.
Yeah, but he ain't gonna make no money
making music.
Well, I mean, there's a lot of
music people that make money, Chris.
Not playing the tuba.
Name one tuba player
that's living his life like it's golden.
- Oh.
- Just one.
Have you ever heard
somebody in the band say,
"And on tuba is," and they introduce him?
Hey, hon, I think
you should focus on the math.
You should focus on the math.
No one ever blew up on the tuba.
Hang all the mistletoe
I'm gonna get to know you better
This Christmas
And as we trim the tree
How much fun it's gonna be together
This Christmas
The fireside is blazing bright
We're caroling through the night...
Hey, good morning, Pam.
Good morning.
What's the matter with you?
Merry Christmas.
But, hey, good news.
Our outplacement officers
will gladly assist you
in obtaining the strongest references.
Lee, nobody can talk
to the vendors like I can.
Nobody has my relationships,
my history and my Rolodex.
Rolodex, huh?
Classic O.G.
I love it.
You're really gonna do this
right before Christmas?
It's just business.
Listen, we know it's the holidays.
We want to give you something
to say thank you for your service.
Hey, don't nobody want your fleece.
Hey, you know what?
I'm-a take this fleece.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna regift it, show you how much
contempt I have for your holiday fleece.
There for you.
Merry Christmas, brother.
Merry Christmas.
Uh, who's next?
So I stopped the bleeding
on the night sort by 14%.
Great job as always, Carol. Right?
The regionals are gonna be
impressed by all this.
So, do you think
that they will consider me
for the director of operations position?
I feel like when the regionals come,
they'll see how we are the...
that we're the best distribution center
in the west.
Because of me and-and because of you.
Because of you.
And be... well, because of...
mostly because of me, so...
can I count on your support?
If everything goes perfectly.
- Yes! Thank you.
- You got it.
- Good work.
- Thank you so much.
Thanks. Yes!
Hello, Mrs. Carver.
You are never gonna believe
what just happened.
Yeah, you know, I was gonna say
the same thing to you.
I did it. I-I got, I got Donald's support.
Oh, that's great, babe.
They'd be crazy not to promote you.
Chris, this is gonna be, like, an increase
in pay and-and more vacation time.
Hey, listen, um...
- something funny happened here today, too.
- Oh, hang on. Hang on a...
There's a backup in the sort.
- I'm gonna call you back.
- Hey, Carol, listen...
I'll call you later. Okay, bye.
Yoo-hoo. Hi.
I'm Kimmer, your outplacement officer.
I'm here to assist in your transition.
- You're my what, now?
- Outplacement officer.
- An outplacement officer?
- Yes, you're being outplaced.
Ah, yes, I-I know.
I knew I was being outplaced,
but I didn't know that there was
an actual, uh, officer that assisted you.
Yes, I'm here to help.
How are you feeling today?
Well, you know, I got that...
got that, uh, outplaced feeling.
So is this what you do?
You help the fired people
leave their jobs?
- RFPs.
- Oh, R...
- "Recently fired persons."
- Oh, wow. Thank you, Kimmer.
- And out we go.
- Oh.
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose...
Hey, there you are.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
- Hey, Carol.
- Huh?
There's something I... I...
Where's the red wine?
Ah, damn it.
Oh, Chris, come on.
I really don't want
to drink that box wine.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, honey.
- You look pretty, Mom.
- Aw, thank you, sweetie.
- Hey, can you tell Joy and Nick that we're across the street?
- Yeah.
- And the pizza's on its way, okay?
- Okay.
- You ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready.
Okay, I think we should try pickleball.
Seriously, everybody's doing it.
Scott and Shelly are doing it.
And I think that we should get
those matching headbands and, um, shorts.
You look so good in those shorts.
And that way, we could do stuff together.
It'll be like we used to do.
You know how we used to do that?
We would dress up and we would go out
and do, like, an activity.
- Hey, Carol. Hey.
- Yes, my darling?
I got laid off.
Wait, what?
I got laid off.
Lee sold the company,
and they cut the sales division in half,
and I was in the wrong half.
Oh, my God. Wait, when did this happen?
This morning.
I didn't want to say anything about it
'cause you were so excited
talking about Donald and the promotion.
I just didn't want to ruin it, so...
- Are you okay?
- No, I'm not okay.
I'm screwed.
No, you're not screwed.
You're not screwed.
We'll... we'll figure this out.
- We will.
- Listen, the kids can't find out about this, okay?
What are you talking about? They love you.
They do, and they should know
what's going on.
No, I just don't want to ruin
the last Christmas.
"Last Christmas"?
What are you talking about?
- Joy is moving out.
- Uh-huh.
Nick is not that far behind, and...
Oh, my God, my little baby girl is almost
old enough to realize what's going on.
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You got thrown a curveball, all right,
but this is not our last Christmas.
It's okay. We're gonna figure it out.
- Are we?
- Yes, we are. We're gonna figure it out.
- All right.
- Ahoy, neighbors!
Permission to come aboard!
I got the good stuff!
Yeah, join us for a box of grog!
He means wine!
We'll be right over!
Give us two secs!
There's a box of wine, though.
Do you want to skip this?
- We can skip it.
- No, you heard him.
- He got the good stuff. Let's go.
- All right.
Could do with a glass of the good stuff.
I'll drink the box myself.
Maybe I'll feel better.
I'll give you some good stuff later.
- Oh, okay, I'm-a hold you to that.
- Okay.
Aidan's school called.
Apparently, compared to
the other kids in his class,
he is testing off the charts in math.
You know, I saw an article online recently
that said a lot of sociopaths
were math prodigies.
But not Aidan.
Well, I don't know about you guys, but
I'm so excited Candy Cane Lane is here.
- Yeah.
- The lights, the decorations,
the goodwill between neighbors.
I hear the competition
is different this year.
Hurry up, guys. It's about to start.
This is Prism 1.
Seeing the world through your eyes.
Hi. I'm Emerson Turner.
And I'm Kit Kleiman.
Oh, that's-that's new.
And we're hosting
the Candy Cane Lane Spectacular
live from beautiful El Segundo.
Only on Prism Cable.
Not only will there be
music, merrymaking...
And lights!
...but there will be high stakes as well,
as the neighbors compete
for best decorated house,
and because of our sponsors...
Wait, sponsor?
We've never had a sponsor. What?
I'm sorry, what?
- - Shut up!
- Oh, my...
Join us all week
as we cover the festivities,
starting with
our Santa's house lighting parade.
And ending with our spectacular finale
on Christmas Eve.
Christmas Eve!
Christmas Eve is only three days away,
so let the competition begin.
Ho ho ho.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Yeah.
This was so fun.
- I'm tired.
- Thank you so much.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was so nice. It was so nice.
It was so ni... thank... okay, we're...
- Thank you so much.
- Yes, have a good night.
- We got to get Aidan...
- The wine was amazing.
Of course, we got to get Aidan to sleep.
Good night, everybody!
I need your brackets to mount a reindeer.
Dad, are you, are you serious?
Thank you, son.
I've got a supplier.
I can hook you up with more
if you need it.
That's my girl.
Uh, what is all this?
- What is this?
- What do you mean, what is all that?
You said to get a plan, so I got a plan.
Ugh. Okay.
Hey, look, I know it looks like a lot,
but I got to do something spectacular,
something they've never seen before.
- Okay, well...
- This'll be...
I was talking about
a plan for after Christmas.
- Mm.
- Yes, like
maybe update your LinkedIn,
telling your vendors, letting people know
you're back on the market.
You know, we good, we good.
- You know why?
- Why?
'Cause I'm gonna win Candy Cane Lane.
Oh, my love, I know that this is something
that's so important to you,
but I think that you need to consider
the idea that you might not win.
Oh, well, I also might not not win.
Okay, you know what?
Let's go, guys. Come on. Let's go.
- Let's go to school. Oh.
- Yes. Get the show on the road.
Hey, can you bring Holly to school today?
I don't know if I can do that
because I got a lot of stuff to do today.
I'm really busy.
I got to get a thousand icicles.
- God, okay, well, I got to go to work.
- Okay, touch.
- Touch.
- Okay, you're going to work.
- Uh-huh. You got it?
- Okay. I will handle it.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, my love.
- All right, I love you.
- Love you, too.
Yeah, I'm not going to school, am I?
Don't be ridiculous. Of course you're not.
You got to be freaking kidding me.
But our decorations are handmade.
They'll see how hard you worked.
That's better than buying stuff.
Hard work? Nobody cares anymore.
And crap beats quality every time.
Hard work.
I'm sorry, you're old enough
to know the truth.
Whenever somebody says to you,
"It's just business,"
then you're the one getting f...
Fleeced. Fleeced.
Fleeced, yes.
Yeah, fleeced.
You're the one getting fleeced.
I got fleeced yesterday.
And I did not like it.
Who cares about craftsmanship
or relationships?
You spent your whole career developing.
- Toss you out like cheap plastic...
- Dad. Stop!
Holly, look at this.
This is unbelievable.
- Wow.
- This is amazing.
Look at this detail here.
- I know.
- Look at this thing. It looks like...
- Merry Christmas!
- Oh, sh... Hey.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.
Who am I kidding? Of course I did.
What's Christmas without a little terror?
I'm Pepper.
Hey, Pepper.
Uh, hey, h-how long
has this place been here?
Oh, well, we're what the kids call
a pop-up.
You know, here today, gone tomorrow. Pop.
Very Instagrammable. Go on, take an elfie.
Sorry, sugarplum.
Please, please be careful with that.
That's very precious to me.
They look so real.
Don't they?
Each one has their own story.
So what's yours?
Indoor, outdoor? Flashy, classy?
Mistletoe, mistle-no?
- We are looking to kick some ass.
- Ah-ah.
That's not what she meant to say, Holly.
Oh, children always say what they mean.
It's adults you can't trust.
See, I like her.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
Every year, our block
goes all out for Christmas.
You have my attention.
And this year,
the stakes are higher than ever.
Keeping up with the Joneses.
It's actually gonna be televised
this year.
Cable? Streaming? The Internet?
Probably all of that.
This year, the competition's got
a lot of money on the line,
and I mean a lot of money.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your reindeers.
Christmas is not about money.
I agree. Christmas is...
It has never been about money.
Christmas is not about money.
- It's not.
- Except that it is.
I'm just kidding. Of course it is.
'Tis the reason for the season.
Follow me. Let's kick some ass.
On the 12th day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping
Ten lords a-leaping,
nine ladies dancing
Eight maids a-milking,
seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying, five gold rings
Four calling birds,
three French hens, two turtledoves
And a partridge in a pear tree.
Now, that, my friend,
is the pice de rsistance,
the crme de la crme,
the winner, winner, chicken dinner.
And up there at the tippy-tippy top
is the luckiest partridge
you'll ever get your hands on.
I'll take it.
Oh, cool your cocoa, Krampus.
These are handmade.
Each one of a kind.
I need to know that you understand
the true meaning of Christmas.
Are you kidding me? I'm Mr. Christmas.
Christmas is about giving.
And Christmas is about
the power of a child's imagination.
And it's about giving the least popular
reindeer with the red nose
- a chance to be great.
- Mm.
Unless you want to go the religious angle.
Jesus Christ, no.
I'll ring you up.
One magnum Toblerone...
...36 boxes of Christmas lights,
one "12 days of Christmas" tree.
And your grand total comes to...
No, no, no. I don't even want to know.
Probably for the best.
Uh, tap your card, please.
Yeah, sure.
Signature, please.
Oh, ignore all the fine print,
legal mumbo jumbo.
Honestly, it's like
you're signing your life away.
Go on.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Hello there
Merry Christmas, how've you been?
It's been a long, long time
Can't explain why you crossed my mind
I guess it's just to wish you
Okay, keep coming.
A merry Christmas...
Keep going. Yeah.
A little more.
Okay, stop.
"Rub partridge."
I just want it to be a great Christmas.
Let me win this thing.
It's stupid. Daddy's trippin'.
This is Prism 1.
It's beginning to look a lot like
Christmas here in El Segundo.
I'm Kit Kleiman.
We're still doing that.
And I'm Emerson Turner, and welcome
to opening night here on Candy Cane Lane
- where the temperature is cooling off...
- Ooh.
...but the competition, my friends,
the competition is heating up.
And let me just say how thrilled I am
to be here with you.
And I am also here with you.
Well, the 1300 block of Acacia Avenue
is about to get lit.
And with good reason, 'cause this year,
the residents of Candy Cane Lane
are competing for a $100,000 prize.
Well, this is exciting.
I've been looking forward to this
all year.
And you know what,
I've been looking forward to this, boy,
ever since I graduated top of my class
from the Columbia Graduate School
of Journalism.
No. So let's kick it off by sending it
to our Prism Cable News meteorologist
Sunny Roberts.
Can I give y'all some advice?
When y'all brought the spaceship out
and mixed it in with Santa Claus,
it screamed, "I don't want to win."
I'm sorry, who is that?
Oh, that's my nephew Josh!
He's an influencer.
Okay, where is... where's Sunny?
Where's Sunny?
Hold up, hold up.
I got, I got, I got to go to work.
I got to go to...
- It's time to work!
- Why you ain't tell me...
We're recording!
This is live! This is live!
Coming live from Prism Cable, ya dig?
Your boy Josh DaBoss
hanging with Santa Claus.
You know what time it is.
Ain't nobody come to play!
- Yes!
- On Candy Cane Lane.
Ay, KJ, D-Berry, I told y'all
I'm gonna be on the news!
Didn't I tell you? Ah!
Make sure y'all hit that
like and subscribe button,
'cause I don't know
how long I'm-a have this job.
Is this gonna be on Roku cable?
Well, you heard him.
It's time to get this party started
with the big man himself,
the one, the only Santa!
Oh, here we go.
They are starting to turn on some lights.
- Let's see what happens.
- Hey.
And with one wave
of Santa's magical pointer finger,
the houses light up.
- Joy to the world
- Oh!
The Lord is come
Let Earth receive her king
Hanukkah, Hanukkah...
Whoa! Santa Claus got it lit up down here!
They got the Hanukkah mixed in
with the Christians,
but, you know, Jesus was a Jew.
Yes! He was Jewish.
L'chaim to all of our Jewish supporters.
Santa Claus is lighting up everything.
You got a LAX house.
I just wanna fly...
Dad, Dad, Santa's coming!
Hurry up! He's coming! Hurry up!
Oh, you look amazing! Hey! Oh!
Oh, look at him go!
Dad, Dad, he's coming! He's coming!
I know. I'm ready.
He's two houses away. Hurry up!
Oh! That's the Matrix?
- Hey! Matrix!
- Oh.
Dad, they're almost here!
Hey, Santa! Santa!
Strap yourself in because
I'm about to blow this house up!
You know you're the mastermind
Run, run, Rudolph
Randolph's running way behind...
This house has won the past four years,
so it looks like we have
an early front-runner.
Mm, he's gonna win again.
We're next, Dad, we're next!
Come on, Chris, what do you got?
Come on, Dad.
Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Come on.
Man, come on, brother man.
You must not pay your light bill.
You couldn't hook it up to the Matrix?
Ah, poor guy.
What a disappointment.
God, you sound like my father.
Josh, what's going on down there?
Santa Claus, give it one more.
One more shot. Do your little thing.
Do your little thing you do.
Dad! You did it!
Yeah, we did!
That's my house.
- That is my husband! Hold on!
- Yeah. Nice.
Um, I'll be right back.
Oh, Dad, this is amazing!
It's amazing, yes.
- Oh, my God.
- Chris!
- Chris! This is incredible!
- Hey!
- You see this?
- Oh, my God!
Look what you did!
Give me some!
Got a six-foot elf.
I ain't never seen nothing like it.
I ain't never seen that.
I think this is the house to beat,
don't you, Emerson?
All is definitely bright.
And things will only get brighter
on Christmas Eve
when Prism Cable brings you the...
live from El Segundo...
Candy Cane Lane Spectacular
Extravaganza Bonanza!
That's a mouthful.
- I added that last part.
- Yeah, we-we know.
Oh, my gosh.
Uh, hello?
- Hello.
- Hello, Chris.
And who is this?
Rise and shine, naughty boy.
Do you know where your ornaments are?
They know where you are.
They'll be coming for you.
Hey, teenagers, how do you block
an unknown caller?
I'll tell you if you tell me
how to block out Nick's music.
Hey, what are you listening to?
Uh, it's... I wrote it.
You want to hear it from the beginning?
Uh, no.
What's wrong with you?
In a second.
Hey. Hey.
What the...
- No, no, no! This is...
- Chris!
- No!
- Chris!
Hey, Carol, we've been vandalized.
Somebody trashed the whole...
I know we are not doing live swans.
What the hell's all of this?
I don't know.
But you mean to tell me
that you will not let the kids get a dog,
but you're gonna get swans?
These guys need to go.
I didn't do this.
I didn't bring these back here.
But now that you mention it, live animals
would make a hell of a statement.
No, no.
I am squashing the swans, okay?
And I do not want to be late
for regionals.
- Get these out of here.
- O-Okay, I'll get rid, I'll get rid of 'em.
- It's in the pool. That's disgusting.
- Okay, I'm gonna...
- I'll get rid of 'em.
- Please, please.
Hey, hey, little swan.
All right, listen, you swans,
y'all have to get up out of here.
Let's go. Let's go.
Come on.
Oh! Hey! Hey!
Don't worry about this, honey.
I can fix this.
- Hey, Bruce. Hey, Tricky Bruce.
- What?
Yeah, I know you know
what happened to my ornaments.
Don't act like you don't know.
Hundred percent don't know
what you're talking about.
Don't act like you don't know
what happened.
You know exactly what happened
to them ornaments.
I have no idea
what you're talking about, Chris.
And you know what just dawned on me?
That whoever did it wasn't working alone,
Scott and Shelly.
- Why would we do it?
- Look, the only thing I know is
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- You know exactly what I'm talking about.
And if you don't know
what I'm talking about,
maybe you should ask Scott and Shelly
what I'm talking about,
'cause I think they might know.
Chris, we didn't do anything.
We didn't do anything.
Did you guys do anything?
- No.
- I did nothing.
- Okay.
- Stop looking at me like that, man.
- Oh, my God.
- Creeping me out, man.
Yeah, you see, it's all good holiday cheer
till there's $100,000 on the line.
Then you see what happens
to the thin veneer of neighborly love?
What are you gonna do, Dad?
I'm gonna go back to that weird woman
and see if she can hook me up
with some replacement parts.
- Can I come?
- Don't you have school?
It's the last day.
We're watching Frozen
in like three different classes.
You know, you're very, very cute,
and you're also very manipulative.
Hey, I don't know about this bird.
Well, Pepper did say it was good luck.
Not so far.
What was that?
Oh, my God.
You in here?
- What are you doing?
- Hey! Ooh.
You have to stop scaring me like that!
Oh, looks like someone's been
rubbing the partridge.
What? No.
I know a rubbed partridge
when I see one, sir.
I rubbed it like
the instructions said to rub it.
- Weird instructions, by the way.
- What was your wish? Fame?
No, fortune.
No, no, no, that is right.
You want to win a contest,
because Christmas is all about winning,
isn't it, Chris?
- Look, lady...
- Pepper.
Uh, look, Pepper, somebody stole my
ornaments, and I need some replacements.
Oh, I'm sorry. It's like I told you.
Each one of those trees is unique.
If you lost your ornaments,
I'm afraid you have to find them yourself.
I didn't lose my ornaments.
Somebody stole 'em.
Do you hear that song?
- No.
- You don't hear the tune?
I don't hear nothing.
What's a little man to do
To make his little wish come true?
Before the old clock tower dings
You must collect the golden rings
Then all will hail
the king of Christmas
A strip of land is called an isthmus.
A isthmus?
Well, nothing else rhymes
with "Christmas."
Yeah, um, that's weak.
Well, the joke is on you... ha ha...
because you're also weak.
Ooh. A customer.
Welcome to Kringle's.
We've been expecting you.
Pepper is crazy.
Psst. Oy. Over here.
Good morning, milady.
Good morning, good sir.
What the...
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Easy, guv.
Bit of an head scratcher, innit?
But no worries.
Pip here at your service.
Nice to meet you, Pip. I'm Holly.
Hey, Holly, don't get so close
to that little, tiny man.
But he's so cute.
But he's not real.
Are you real?
As real as you. Least I was.
We all were until we fell into
that elf's sick, twisted trap.
Yeah, don't get screwed like us, man.
It ain't good.
No, Christmas is wonderful once a year.
But every day? It's a nightmare.
I've been eating nothing
but chestnuts for ten years.
I'm right clogged up.
The relentless good cheer,
these ridiculous outfits.
And it never ends.
I light the lamp. I blow it out.
Light it, blow it out again.
- Light, blow, light, blow, light, blow...
- Stop it!
I would love to, Cordelia.
So Pepper's a real elf?
Pepper was Santa's favorite,
but any mistake and she'd put you
on the naughty list.
Her standards were impossible.
One strike and you're out.
So Santa demoted her all the way down
to the reindeer stable.
And then she just quit.
Who quits Santa?
Now she's made it her mission to punish
anyone who makes it onto her naughty list.
And I got news for you, fellas.
We're all on the naughty list.
But the benefit is
I do have a two-inch waist.
Guys, enough of the backstory.
Not enough time.
There's not enough time.
She'll be back soon.
Quick, guv, what'd she sell you?
She sold me some decorations,
the 12 days of Christmas.
12 drummers drumming
11 pipers piping,
ten lords a-leaping...
- Stop it!
- - Please!
Did she tell you what to do,
a task of some kind?
There's usually a very bad rhyme involved.
- Yeah, she...
- Yeah, it was,
"Before the old clock tower dings,
- you must collect the golden rings."
- "The golden rings."
Five gold rings.
Find the five gold rings
before the clock tower dings.
That bell only chimes
on Christmas Eve at 8:00.
That's in three days.
Hurry, man, get those rings.
It's the only way to save yourself.
But be warned: If you fail...
- Yes?
- What are you doing?
Oh! Sh... Hey.
You got to stop doing that!
What's going on?
Um, we were just, uh,
admiring this craftsmanship.
It's very lifelike.
Interesting choice of words.
- We got to find those rings, Dad.
- No.
I bet you that was just
some hidden camera practical joke thing
that some idiots want
to put on the Internet.
We're not chasing any rings.
Well, what are you waiting for?
Get the ring.
Holly, this is crazy.
What if it's not?
What's the worst that could happen?
If it's not real, you've got the ring.
But if it is, you've got the ring!
All right, easy there, chickens.
All right, little chickens.
Look at this. Look at this.
Hey. I had the weirdest morning.
Yeah, I bet not as weird as mine.
No, I'm about to meet the regionals,
and there's egg on my face.
And I mean it. Like, on my suit, too.
Well, baby, you'll crush that.
But, hey, listen.
This is gonna sound kind of crazy,
but about those ornaments?
I don't think Bruce took them.
It's some kind of test.
I got to get all the rings
by Christmas Eve.
It's the only way to win the contest.
Chris, I was attacked by birds
this morning.
What? What kind of birds?
Listen, they were laying eggs
out of the sky.
What kind of bird does that?
That is no way to perpetuate a species,
and it was, like, all over my suit,
my brand-new...
Six geese a-laying!
- Huh?
- Were there rings?
Gold rings?
If you see a gold ring, grab it!
- Oh, I got to go. I love you.
- Hey, Carol...
I got to go. Okay.
Something's going down at Mom's work.
Well, think there's a ring?
Only one way to find out.
All right, my little French hens,
time to wreak some havoc, cause some chaos
and make them suffer
as only the French can.
Vive la rsistance!
Well, what are you waiting for? Allez!
Go, Pierre. Go, Jacques.
By alternating packaging flow,
we avoid backups
that could lead to costly ware...
...warehouse shutdowns.
Right this way!
You see how...
Let's go that way.
The sorting is unbelievable.
Sort, sort, sort, sort.
We'll go that way. Go ahead, go ahead.
Business all the way through.
Wait till you see what she has to say.
It's pretty incredible.
Go ahead, Carol.
So, packing peanuts.
Ours are completely biodegradable.
They are plant-based and s...
...sourced and...
Oh! Chicken.
Our packing peanuts are made of chicken?
No, no. That would be crazy.
- I got this.
- Uh...
I got it!
I got it!
Oh, my God. Okay.
- Carol?
- Yes?
What is the problem?
Ex... Y-Yes!
This is a problem.
I wanted to demonstrate what can happen.
- Chickens.
- Chickens.
You would avoid all of that
if you came to our warehouse
and do my protocols.
Come on. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, seriously.
- Get it out. Yeah. Thank you.
- Yeah.
Where are we going, Dad?
We're going around back
'cause I need some answers.
The sign says she's not there.
I'm not talking about her.
I don't like this.
And are we breaking in?
No, no, not at all.
We are paying customers, all right?
See, the door was wide open.
Go keep a look out front.
That's the kind of thing you say
when you're breaking in.
Just do what I said.
Wake up. Wake up.
Wake up, everybody.
Wake up, wake up.
I usually don't get up before 10:00.
- Okay.
- What's up, man?
Wake up.
- Oh, man.
- Okay, okay.
- We're here.
- Okay. Okay.
All right, Tiny Tim,
now Pepper's messing with my family.
Oh, blimey, that's what she does, guv.
Goes after the people you love most,
turns your whole life upside down.
Well, it's not gonna work
because I'm calling this off.
This has to stop.
- You can't make it stop.
- Mm-mm.
You made your wish. You're in it now.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm, that's how she gets you, man.
Tells you you can get a wish.
Only you have to complete
some crazy, stupid, impossible challenge.
- Well, why me?
- Why any of us?
Because we took the bait.
Anyone can make one mistake,
and then you're cursed
and no one can help you.
She's evil but needy like a cat you bought
and raised but hates your guts.
Well, she sent me looking for gold,
frankincense and myrrh.
I mean, gold was easy, obviously.
I have a ton of that at my house.
But what even is that other stuff?
I went to every Sephora I could find.
I found plenty of Fenty but no myrrh.
No myrrh!
And she made me dress up
as a New York City cop
to rescue my estranged wife
from a Japanese-owned high-rise
being attacked by terrorists.
What? Die Hard?
That's not even a Christmas movie.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It is the Christmas movie.
- I literally cannot with you.
- Well, I can with you.
- You won't.
- All right, then.
Guv, we all failed.
Now we're trapped in Christmas Village.
Just like you'll be
if you don't find those rings.
Like I'll be?
I'm not gonna get trapped
in no Christmas Village.
I didn't sign on for this.
Uh-oh. But you did.
You literally signed on for this.
Your receipt? There's, like,
a bunch of fine print at the bottom.
You didn't read it?
Nobody reads the fine print.
Oh, come on, brother.
You got to read the fine print, man.
The terms of service are brutal.
I know one thing:
No elf is gonna shrink me down
into some freaky Christmas person.
- Well, I am freaky.
- That's personal.
Sorry. Sorry.
'Cause I'm going after those rings.
- Whoa. Whoa!
- Holy Sonic the Hedgehog.
I'm already on my way.
Oh, my God, he's doing it.
He's really doing it!
That's a good sign, guv.
You only need three more.
And if he gets all five...
Five gold rings...
Shut up!
If you get all five,
you can break the curse.
And if he breaks the curse for himself...
Maybe it breaks it for me!
- All of us! All of us.
- All of us, girl.
I don't know nothing about no curse,
and I don't know about no magic,
but I do know one thing,
that I ain't scared of no elf.
- That's right, Chris.
- That's right. You tell her.
Yeah, too bad she not hearing you
say it right to her face.
One day
of Christmas, I got a smartphone
"Jingle All the Way"
playing on my ringtone
Second day of Christmas,
I copped two pair of kicks...
Dad, she's coming.
12 days, 12 days
12 days of Christmas
It's the 12 days, 12 days...
Dad, she's right outside!
Okay, come on.
Take us with you, guv.
Help us, and we'll help you.
- Okay, come on. All right.
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Everybody, in. Come on.
- Thank you, Chris, is it?
Move it, move it, move it, move it.
- Come on, man. Hurry up, man.
- Is there a pub on the way?
All right.
See you never, Kringle's!
Ah, take that, Pepper!
We're out of here!
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Come on, come on. Be careful.
Oh, my God, that's the sun, dawg.
Hey! I'm outside!
No, no, no, no, no!
I can't live without you!
I mean, I can, but who wants to try?
- Easy, guv.
- We all right?
Ah, right on my coccyx.
Ah, ow!
Sorry for putting my butt on y'all.
- Oh, God!
- Ow!
Good job, bonbon.
Let me head up top.
Whatever you do, don't peel out!
This is amazing!
So that's how you want to play?
Game on.
I'm the king of the...
- I pulled a hammy.
- Hey!
Whoa-whoa-whoa! Hey! That was fun.
All right, just don't take
any more turns like that.
I don't know if I can take it!
Two normal-size people
driving down the street.
Hello, neighbors. Hello, neighborhood.
Uh-uh. Is this a broker version
of where we came from?
I have motion sickness.
Girl, don't throw up on me.
Ah, at last, free from the torment
of eternal Christma...
- Oh.
- Ew.
I'm-a burn up everything in here.
- Oh, run!
- Paper tidal wave! - Incoming!
Hop it! Hop it!
- Ow, my bustle!
- Ow, my everything.
You're quite the home decorator, Holly.
What is this,
some sort of butcher's chart?
Oh, my God, it's Operation!
Yo, I love Operation, dawg.
Oh, I am flawless. I never get shocked.
Watch this, y'all.
- Oh, no.
- S-Sweeney Todd!
- Oh, my God, Gary, are you okay?
- Do I look okay?
Ay. Ay. Ay. Ay.
- I actually think it's an improvement.
- Eh.
Hey, hold up.
This is important.
Dad, come on, seriously?
Do you have any idea
how bad that could've been?
- I can explain.
- And why were there chickens?
Did you bring the chickens?
Well, kinda, yeah.
Oh, my God.
This about the contest?
Are you ki...
Chr... Chris...
you are supposed to be
spending this time looking for a job.
Why Dad looking for another job?
Did you quit?
You got fired?
No, I got laid off.
And I didn't want to tell you guys
because I didn't want to ruin Christmas.
But it's fine. It's fine.
Seriously, fine.
As long as I keep my job.
I'm gonna show you guys something, and
when I show you what I'm gonna show you,
all your questions are gonna be answered.
But when I show you this, don't freak out.
- Come on. You got to see this.
- Careful. Careful, you guys.
- Holly, seriously?
- What are you doing?
What is happening?
Oh, my God, look at this.
What is this?
- What am I looking at?
- This is what I want you to see.
Let nothing you dismay.
Who's singing?
They're singing.
Oh, my God.
Ooh, look at you, hot stuff,
looking like a tall drink of water.
- Gulp, gulp, baby.
- Step back. Step back.
- Step back.
- What'd you just say about my mom?
Hey, I know you see
this fire between us, girl.
- Is he talking to me?
- Hey, watch it.
- That's my wife.
- For now, brother.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Hi. Um, nice to meet you.
I can only apologize for Gary.
He's the worst.
She feel that heat, though.
She feel that heat!
That tree is feeling the heat!
- God, watch it! The tree!
- Hey.
- It's on fire.
- Oh!
See, you're burning stuff down.
Watch what you're doing, Gary.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, it's kind of my thing, though.
Check out the new whip, everybody.
Someone order a cab?
Hi-ho, cheerio, Holly.
Okay, Chris...
what are these?
Hey, everybody, this is my wife Carol.
- Hello.
- Here we come a-caroling
- Among the leaves so green.
- No.
Nope. That is weird.
And-and this is my son Nick.
Jolly old Saint Nicholas
Lean your ear this way.
And you guys remember Holly.
The holly and the ivy.
And this is my oldest daughter Joy.
- Joy to the world.
- Wow.
We're all named after Christmas stuff?
- Oh, my God.
- Seriously?
Just now figuring this out?
I have to admit that was my idea.
- Yeah, it was all him.
- I kind of talked Mom into that.
Mm, he did.
Chris, can I talk to you for a second?
Oh, she's talking through gritted teeth.
- You know what that means.
- We can talk right now.
Think we should do it a little privately.
Just kind of step away for a second.
Mm, someone's in trouble.
No, no one's in trouble.
What are those and why are they talking?
They're little Christmas people.
Yes, I can tell, but that's insane.
I mean, do you wind them up?
Is there a battery?
I don't got no battery, but you can check.
No, there's no battery.
They're-they're little Christmas people
that have come to life.
- It seems scary to me.
- What's scary about it?
They're talking and they're little, and
that little one keeps flirting with me.
Hey, I'm scary at first, baby, but...
I'm telling you right now,
you say one more thing,
- I'm gonna flick you into next Christmas.
- Ooh, girl.
Oh, you smell good.
You don't think this is amazing?
No, it doesn't feel magical.
It feels terrifying.
Please don't touch that! Don't touch it.
It's okay. They're...
It's safe.
- You know what this is?
- Mm?
This is Christmas magic.
Well, I'm magic. I don't know what Gary is.
Mostly, like, gross.
That's why I got to find three more rings
before this clock chimes eight times
on Christmas Eve.
- Okay, so Popper...
- Pepper.
- Pepper. Pepper.
- It's Pepper. - It's Pepper.
Pepper will make your wish come true?
Right, then I win. I win the contest,
- and I get $100,000.
- Right.
Then this family has the best Christmas
of all the Christmases ever.
Except for the first one,
which was obviously a biggie.
That was special.
Wait, so that was your wish?
To win Candy Cane Lane?
Not, like... I don't know... world peace?
- End hunger?
- End homelessness?
- Stop climate change?
- Save the polar bears?
- New Drake album?
- Oh. - Oh, I love Drake.
Me, too.
Okay, point taken,
but I wasn't thinking like that.
I was thinking about my family.
- Oh.
- That's why I love him.
But remember, if you fail...
If you fail? What?
If I fail, then I don't win.
But we don't have to worry about that.
'Cause I'm gonna find those rings.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
What you mean, "hopefully"?
Stop being negative.
All right.
Somebody better find that stapler.
Come on, guys, who used it last?
Over here, you little piper.
There you go.
You little suckers.
Right there, lady.
There you go.
All right.
So, we got two rings.
The first one is from...
Two turtledoves
Yep. And the second one
is from the three...
- Three French hens
- I was gonna say it.
Okay. And we also met...
- Seven swans a-swimming
- And the six geese a...
Six geese a-laying
That looks just like her.
I'm-a burn her ass up.
Firepit that ass.
- Hey, Gary. No, no, no, no.
- Yes.
Mm-mm. She going to hell.
Gary, put the fire down.
So, Dad, Dad, who is this Pepper person?
She some old girlfriend or something?
'Cause I met one of those before,
and she was still mad.
She's not wrong.
No, no, she's not an old girlfriend.
She's an elf.
And she fights dirty,
so we got a new house rule:
Nobody can leave this house
till Christmas Eve.
- What? - What? - Wait, what?
- Fine with me.
- Dad, I got band.
- You're gonna have to skip band.
Okay, more importantly, I have a
track meet, and a scout's gonna be there.
- Oh.
- Really? A scout?
From USC?
Okay, we can't skip that.
We're gonna all go to that together.
I'll just have to keep you safe.
Yeah, and we're gonna do this as a family.
- We should split up.
- What do you mean, we should split up?
Have you ever watched a horror film?
When you split up, somebody dies.
That's true.
Yeah, a Black person always die first,
and all y'all Black.
I've searched online,
and no one has heard of this Pepper.
I think we should wake up tomorrow morning
and call the police.
And tell them what?
And tell them the truth,
that some sadistic little elf
is targeting our family.
Yeah, I just said it out loud.
It's not gonna work.
I just got to find those damn rings.
Can you please forget the rings, Chris?
Seriously, just give the-the village back
and all those little tiny figurines
and say you're sorry
for whatever you did to piss her off,
and then be done with it.
It's just not that simple, Carol.
What are you not telling me?
There's something you're not telling me.
What are you not telling me?
Carol, I just can't walk away.
I have to.
Okay, I hear you.
- Okay?
- Okay, yes.
- All right.
- We made a promise to each other.
I'm glad you're saying this.
I was about to remind you.
- Oh, you were gonna remind me?
- Before you said it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- So... Yes, I'm gonna show up for you
because we are on the same team
- with each other.
- Yes, because of this, we show up.
- We show up for each other.
- Right, we show up for each other.
No matter how strange, no matter
how crazy, we show up for each other.
I don't think those were in the vows.
I'm putting that in now.
- No matter how strange or how crazy, we support each other.
- Okay.
So I got your back.
We're gonna get this done.
- And that's why I love you so much.
- I love you, too.
Give me another one.
Ooh, I love both of y'all right now.
How strange it 'bout to get?
- No! No!
- Hey.
- No! Chris.
- I'm-I'm-a handle him.
Oh, don't cup me, brother,
not on the holiday.
I'm gonna d-deal with our little friend,
and I'll be back in a second.
All right, you got the letter?
- Yes.
- Disarmed.
Here we go.
You're very brave, Holly.
Thank you, Pip.
I'm quite scared myself.
You see, Pepper will never stop
until she finds us.
It's okay.
We can protect each other.
That's very kind of you, love.
I'm just so tiny, you see.
I am, too.
Is that the mailbox?
It is.
We got this, love.
Thank you, Pip.
Well, and Bob's your uncle.
I don't have an uncle.
- It's an idiom, love.
- What's that?
A figure of speech.
You ever hear of a writer
called Charlie Dickens?
- No.
- Oh?
My mother knew his mother.
Where are you,
my naughty little stocking stuffers?
Don't move. Don't even breathe.
Lamp boy?
My Santa. It's a slum.
Oh, what a downgrade.
Come out, my little villagers.
It's me.
Where are you?
- Mm.
- Please, no.
I want to tell you a bedtime story.
But you need to come out.
Where are you?
I'm starting to get angry.
Feels like you're hiding on purpose.
Well, look at this.
Is that me?
I'm stunning.
All right, I'm leaving.
Or am I?
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
How's that song go again?
Does anyone know the lyrics?
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
- Ha ha ha!
- Oh.
You know, he can't protect you forever.
He'll never find the last ring.
For the king of Christmas to save himself,
he needs the one upon the shelf.
I'll be back when the clock strikes 8:00.
And then you'll learn your tragic...
Inevitable outcome?
No, that's not it either.
Okay, girls, this is just a normal relay.
Yeah, totally normal for
a Notre Dame scout to be watching us.
Joy, does your dad know?
Hey, Joy!
We see you!
Look, just don't worry about him.
I think those are those scouts
from USC up there.
- Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Take a look. See, right where...
That's them, right?
Is that them?
- Yes?
- Yeah.
- Yes. It is? It is?
- The middle one, the middle one.
- Hey!
- Oh.
- Fight on!
- Okay. Oh, my God.
Stop. Yeah.
I'm getting sick of this.
- Hello.
- Squawk.
Clock's ticking, naughty chicken.
Polly doesn't just want a cracker.
She's after all of you.
No Carver is safe. No Carver is safe.
What is that?
Some prank call, like I don't have enough problems.
Sounds like a parrot.
That's it.
- The birds.
- What? - NICK: Birds?
The calling birds.
- She's messing with us.
- Okay.
- What do we do?
- Look, hey.
Take these binoculars,
look around the crowd.
- You spot anything, say something.
- On it.
- You think she's here?
- She could be. She could be anywhere.
Oh. Hey.
Hey, look at that.
Nick, that's your math teacher.
- No, it's not.
- Mr. Benedetto. Hey. Hi.
Oh, my God, sweetheart. Hey.
He's probably excited 'cause
you're doing so well in math, sweetheart.
- Yeah, I'm doing, I'm doing good in music.
- Yeah? Uh-huh.
He's coming to say congratulations.
Hey! Hi there.
- I see you. Hi.
- Okay. Okay.
- I'll be right there.
- Hey.
Where's Nick?
- There she goes. There she goes.
- Come on, Joy!
- Come on. Come on, babe.
- Come on, Joy!
- Oh.
- Got a minute. - Come on, Joy!
- I need to talk to you about Nick.
- Smoke 'em, Joy!
Yeah, you want to praise my boy.
- Run, girl, run!
- Come on, come on.
- Whoo!
- Praise your boy for failing my class?
- Failing. He's not failing.
- Come on, now!
- If he was failing, I would know he was failing.
- Fight on!
- Is he failing?
- Whoo!
- Oh, yeah. Exponentially.
- Who's failing? What?
I don't know where Nick is.
Uh, there you go. Need I say more?
No, you should not.
A topic I know nothing about.
But I did my research last night,
and I looked up some of
the greatest sports icons of all time.
The likes of...
Wade Gretzky...
...and Tiger Wools.
And of course the classic trio of
Le, Bron and James.
And the greatest of all time...
...Michael B. Jordan.
And do you know what they would say
if they were here right now?
They would say this is not a game.
We're not running in circles out here.
We're not passing the baton.
Life is about taking the baton
and shoving it right up
the competition's chimney!
That was your cue. Go, go, go!
Got milk?
- - Hey!
- Oh!
What the hell are you doing?
You've got no drip.
You have got to be kidding me.
I'm coming, Joy! I got you!
Hey, this doesn't count!
Hey, man, what...
All right, now, I ain't no punk.
Hey! Why y'all messing with me?
Y'all should be working
for Cirque du Soleil.
- Run, Joy!
- I don't know if
- you understand how important math is.
- Run!
...nine, ten.
Mom, ten lords a-leaping.
Joy. What are you doing?
Why y'all dressed like Prince?
Hey, Chris, the ring!
You got to stop him!
Math is at the heart
of everything. It's vitally important.
- Nick...
- Listen to me, Friar Tuck.
I need you to shut it!
Stand by.
Ha! Yes! Yes!
What were you saying?
I... I... Oh.
That's right!
I was about to start whipping
everybody's ass up in here!
Y'all got off easy this time!
- Joy, that was amazing. That was amazing.
- Thanks, Dad.
You got it. You got the ring.
- Are sure you're okay?
- Yeah, I'm good, Mom.
- You're okay. All right.
- Thank you.
Hey, oh, there's that scout.
- Where? Oh.
- Wait, Dad, don't. -
Hey, how about that? Did you see that?
Did you see what she did out there?
Wasn't she amazing?
Look, listen.
It's not my policy
to talk to parents, okay?
Or an athlete at these events.
I'm just here to observe. That's it.
Well, consider yourself lucky.
You got a chance to observe her.
But did you see what she did?
I did. I did.
I counted, uh,
20 violations and infractions.
Well, I-I promise,
- I don't usually run like this.
- Yeah.
Look, if she could run that fast with all
those obstacles and hurdles coming at her,
imagine how good she'll do
in a USC uniform.
I hope so. I do.
'Cause she's not running for us.
- Oh.
- Notre Dame?
Nobody want to go to Notre Dame.
Well, she's definitely not.
What's going on?
Holy cow! Holy...
I don't want to talk about it.
So you lied about
how you're doing in math?
It wasn't a lie. It was a spin.
Yeah, now, how far you expect
to get in life with an attitude like that?
I don't know.
I'm thinking president.
Something big. Big things.
- This boy. I can't.
- Look.
Only reason I didn't tell you
I was a loser in math
is 'cause I know
how you feel about losers.
And, Dad, just as a reminder,
I can speak for myself.
Excuse me.
Don't you even try to make this about me.
Okay? USC scout.
That guy was from Notre Dame,
and you knew it.
Okay? I don't want to go to USC, okay?
I-I don't want to come home
for dinner every night.
I want my own life, away from you.
There is nothing wrong with that, but
you need to be honest with your parents.
Do you two even know how hard that I work
so that you can have
the best of everything, the best in life,
the best Christmas?
Everything that I do, I do for you.
Oh, no, no, no. You do this for yourself.
All this Christmas stuff,
this isn't for us.
Not anymore.
It's all for you.
You... yeah, y-you say
that you want our help,
but you really just want to do it yourself
and then have us stand here and go,
"Wow, isn't Dad so amazing?
He's number one!"
Okay, that's not helping anything.
We. We do the work.
- I know we do the work.
- Okay, okay.
Okay, but, you know, not right now.
Look, everything you said
out there was true. All right?
I want to apologize for a lot of things.
And I haven't told you the whole truth.
If I find all the rings, I win.
But if I don't...
...then I get turned into one of them.
- What?
- Dad, what?
Oh, my God, Christopher.
Gary, you already knew that.
I know. It's still a big reveal.
Girl, I'm in the moment.
- No.
- Dad!
Hey. What do you mean?
You're gonna be one of those little guys?
- Forever.
- Why didn't you tell me?
'Cause I thought that I could,
you know, fix this by myself.
By yourself?
Oh, my God, Chris.
Now they gonna turn me into a little...
- Don't cry.
- I'm gonna be all tiny.
I would break you.
You're not gonna let her take my dad,
are you, Pip?
Not if I can help it, love.
Oh, little bonbon.
I'm not crying. My eyes just sweat
when I see something adorable.
You know what I mean?
No, sweetheart.
No. Get up. Get up.
We are not gonna let her turn your dad
into one of those weird,
old-timey Happy Meal toys.
Not like... No offense. I'm sorry.
- None taken.
- A little taken.
Mom is right.
We're in this together.
We're the Carvers.
You know what? We are a family.
We will do this together
because we are the Carvers.
- We're the Carvers!
- Yeah!
Technically, you guys are not Carvers.
Honorary members.
On a temporary basis.
Temporary honorary Carvers!
Hey, these tree creatures
have to have the ring.
Mm, don't be so sure, guv.
Pepper's not to be trusted.
In fact, she was here last night
looking for us.
Wait, she was in my house?
And she said
you'd never find the last ring.
- There's always some trick.
- That's how she gets you.
Right when the clock strikes 8:00
and you think you're about to win...
You lose.
But she also said something about,
"Don't forget the nice gift maker."
Oh, yeah, and,
"For the king of Christmas
to save himself,
he needs the one up on the shelf."
"Up on the shelf"?
What does, what does that mean?
What does that mean?
What? Seriously, you guys?
Elf on the Shelf.
- Duh.
- Oh. - Oh, elf. Yes.
Ah, that's it.
Elves make gifts. Pepper's the elf.
- Pepper has the last ring.
- Pepper has the last ring.
Do you see this?
How nice is it to have some help
from your family?
Yeah, it's good to have
some help from your family.
Right? And what you need is
an operational manager, and that's all me.
Follow your mother.
I have ideas. Let's go.
- Come on, you heard your mother. Let's go!
- Yeah!
What is she doing?
She's in the zone.
Okay. Okay.
Listen up!
Here's how it's gonna go down tonight.
Village people, I want you right here,
front and center.
To do what?
You're the bait.
I liked when Chris was in charge.
I mean, he wasn't effective,
but I felt safer.
No one asked you.
Yeah, for once, I agree with Gary.
Do you guys want to catch an elf or not?
Don't answer it!
Hey, listen here, you stupid birds.
Let me tell you something right now.
We are all coming for you 'cause
you messed with the wrong family.
- That's right.
- So you better not ever...
Nick, this is Mr. Benedetto.
What the heck is going...
- That's the wrong number.
- Oh.
Okay, listen up, guys.
We are gonna need a pulley, plywood
and string lights,
lots and lots of string lights.
Now you're speaking my love language.
Hey, babe, do you think you can make
a lasso out of string lights?
That's my man.
I'm dripping with the spirit,
I been on a wave
'Tis the season,
we gon' ride or die today
You better stay home, happy holiday
If you want smoke,
we blow your squad away...
Merry Christmas Eve, everybody,
and welcome to our special live coverage
of the El Segundo
Candy Cane Lane Spectacular.
Extravaganza Bonanza.
Now, all week long,
our sponsors have been judging the houses,
and one of these lucky families will be
declared the winner of Candy Cane Lane.
And receive a check for $100,000.
Um... it's not a check.
It's, uh, prizes that equal $100,000.
Was that not clear?
No, that was absolutely not clear.
What kind of prizes?
You know, just see for yourself.
Can you run the prizes, please?
Oh, and of course,
gift certificates to Tony's Tacos.
Live every day like it's Taco Tuesday.
$100,000 in Tony Tacos?
It's not cash? It's tacos?
Dad, Dad, just stay focused.
They are gonna turn you into
a tiny action figure.
Stay focused on the plan.
Tacos are stupid.
A hundred grand in tacos?
Oh, God, that's unbelievable.
You know what else
is unbelievable, Emerson?
I don't know,
that I haven't fired my agent?
The magic and music the good folks
of El Segundo have in store for us.
Take it away!
Said the night wind
To the little lamb
"Do you see what I see?
Do you see what I see?
Way up in the sky, little lamb..."
And she shoots.
And she scores! Touchdown!
"Do you see what I see?
A star, a star..."
Do you see what I see?!
Is-is that the thing?
"Tail as big as a kite
With a tail as big..."
A peppermint.
There she is.
Okay, go, go, go. Go, go.
A peppermint.
There she is.
Joy killer.
Hello, old friend.
Hello, Santa's little devil.
Going for a spin?
See if you can catch me.
Oy! Now!
Messed with the wrong family!
This is the Oompa Loompa that has been
causing all the trouble? What...
Oh, no.
I walked right into your trap.
Or did you walk right into mine?
What are you talking about?
Santa's been giving too many nice passes
to all the naughties.
I'm here to put a little coal
in your stocking.
- You got some real anger issues.
- Just a little.
Well, I got the last ring.
- Winner!
- Yeah!
I win!
I win, win, win!
Did you?
All right, I get it.
I got a lot to learn about Christmas.
It's not about what you have
on the outside of your house.
It's about who you have inside with you.
And nothing compares to that.
Oh, my God, if you do not stop
humansplaining Christmas to me.
What is that?
It's coming in hot.
Dad, what is that?
Oh, crap.
Is that who I think it is?
Uncle Santa! What's up?!
I knew Santa was Black, man!
Oh, my gosh, Black Santa!
I only see Santa.
What color is that nutcracker?
It's white.
Santa, we love you!
- That's Santa Claus.
- It's Santa! Hi, Santa!
I knew it!
- Peppermint!
- Oh.
Peppermint, you working my last nerve.
Hey, you.
Fudge me.
You look great.
What's your secret? Less cookies?
Peppermint, what have you done?
Well, I know how busy you get
this time of year,
so I thought I'd just teach a few people
the true meaning of Christmas.
The person that needs
to learn a thing or two
- is you!
- What?
Wow. Santa.
- It's Santa, right?
- Uh, hello, Christopher.
Yes, it's me.
He knows your name.
I'm... I'm really sorry about all this.
No problem.
Wow, you're actually really here.
Hey, listen, Santa, um, I'm good, right?
'Cause I got all the five gold rings.
- I never said five.
- Yes, you did.
"Before the old clock tower goes ding,
you must collect the golden rings."
- There are five golden rings.
- Uh-huh.
Are there?
Dad, there's 12 partridges.
Why? Why are there 12?
Oh, no.
- What?
- That song "The Twelve Days of Christmas,"
it repeats.
She always changes the rules.
That's her trick.
That's why no one ever wins.
Is this a... some sort of pet entrance?
You sing it over and over again, and
every time you do, you add another one.
12 partridges!
Why... why are we doing math right now?
And two turtledoves.
And then it repeats that verse.
11 times.
So... so that means there's...
22 turtledoves!
So it's not really five golden rings.
It's 40.
Oh, my God.
He's right. How is Nick right?
I don't know. It's... it's music.
But it's math.
I'm doing math.
Is this what y'all call calculus?
What? It's multiplication, you idiot.
But you're right, for once.
Wait a minute.
40 rings?
I got you so good. All of you were like,
"Five? Let's find the five."
It was 40.
- Peppermint.
- Mm.
Enough is enough.
No. No, no, no, no, no. No, no.
He made a deal.
He signed it and everything. Look.
Signed it right there.
And there's nothing you can say or do
because it's a deal.
A deal is a deal!
Well, there's a lot of fine print here.
You can't expect someone
to read all of this.
Oh, dear.
I'm afraid she's got you.
Oh, my God.
Hey, wait a second, now. Wait a second, now.
You're Santa Claus, so you should be able
- to veto this or something.
- Yeah.
Christopher, you signed the receipt.
That's your name.
Only you can break the curse.
Do you hear what I hear?
Wh-Wh-Where y'all come from?
- Whoa.
- Everybody, back up.
Ticktock, ticktock.
Almost eight o'clock.
Seriously, you want us
to try to get 40 rings now?
Oh, no, no, no. I expect you to fail.
Peppermint, I'm warning you, if...
No, I'm warning you, old man.
You've gone soft.
Well, all that's about to change
because Peppermint is coming to town!
- Oh!
- Son of a Blitzen!
Fly, my pretties! Fly!
She just kick Santa Claus?
That's what I saw.
- Whoa!
- Oh, my God! Oh!
Ooh, that hurt.
- Hey, we need more rings.
- Oh, quick, how many do we have?
- Five.
- Five?
- Okay, we got five rings.
- That leaves 35.
I'm like a math genius, y'all.
No, sweetie.
Okay, everybody has to get
as many rings as they can.
- Yes, okay, split up.
- You said not to split up.
That only happens in horror movies.
What do you think this is? Come on.
Hey, Santa Claus, you all right?
Are all your elves like this?
I'm telling you, this generation.
Where these birds come from?
Oh, he got you.
He got you.
Hey, Santa, are you sure
there isn't anything else you can do?
- Yes!
- Hell no!
Santa Claus!
Well, maybe you come by the shop sometime.
Introduce you to the elves.
We got Cupcake, Twinkle, Dinky...
Okay, okay, let's hurry this up.
We got Winky, Dinky, Binky...
and Stinky.
He not allowed inside.
If you looking for scrambled eggs,
I'm telling you,
it's going down on Candy Cane Lane.
I could've stayed in the hood for this.
- Thanks, neighbor.
- Oh. All right. Hey.
All right. All right, Bruce.
Thank you.
My window is rolling up so slow.
I can't do this.
Hey! Hey!
You're fast.
Yeah, it's kind of my thing.
Mine, too. We should talk.
Oh, my God.
Oy, that's dirty pool.
Pepper know what time it is,
but Chris won't.
- Okay.
- What we gonna do, just sit here?
Actually, guys,
I think it's time for me to drive.
What? It's not time yet.
We still have five minutes.
Where's that ring? Excuse me.
I'm-I'm sorry.
There it is.
What are y'all doing?
Yo, who are these guys?
Yo, we got to get those rings.
- Rings? What rings?
- There's a ring on that drum.
Oh, this the battle of the bands?
Dude, let's go.
Yo, everybody, bring them in closer.
Then I can grab the rings.
Go ahead, Nick.
What in the world?
Oh, no!
Breaking news!
Brother man who house couldn't light up
the first try, he just shrunk.
She got me.
Hey, I still have time.
Coming through! Watch your step, y'all!
I don't know what just happened.
I ain't never seen no...
Where did he go?
Let 'em get closer. Let 'em get closer.
Drum line, single file.
Hey, this is all we can do, Nick.
Got to do it now!
There they go.
I got 'em.
- Carol, down here!
- Chris?
Whoa, this chicken is trippin'!
Beautiful and fast, coming through!
I'm the cabbie!
I should be the one driving!
Now I know what Barbie feels like!
Let's punch it!
You're not even using the turn signal!
Look, it's Chris!
Hey! Cordelia!
Oh, gee, we're too late.
- Get in! Get in!
- Chris, jump in!
Oh, my God, I'm never
going to Popeyes again!
Get in, guv!
Oh, you got to be yolkin' kidding me!
- Punch it!
- Let's go!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What happened to me? It's not 8:00 yet.
Pepper moved the hands on the clock.
I told you, she always cheats to win!
But I still have time.
We got to get the rest of those rings.
Ay, we all just gonna sit here
and act like his ass ain't already glass?
We just gonna do that?
There's one.
Hard to port! Put your weight on it!
- Catch it, bro!
- Oy! Huzzah!
That's what I'm talking about.
Nice one, Pip!
That ain't nothing. Watch this.
Call this a Tootsie Roll.
A-one, a-two, a-three.
I got all the rings
from Cordelia's three marriages.
Those were annulled and you know it!
Oh, bombs away! Look out!
Got it! I got it! I got it!
We can't get traction, y'all!
We got to go!
Come on, come on,
come on!
Uh, that's not our only problem.
Give me that thing.
Hey, don't just touch another man's stick.
- I got this.
- Oh, I think I got it.
Here we go!
Stick that chicken!
This better work!
Come on, Chris!
Okay, impressive.
Got the ring! Let's go!
Yes! Everything is going great!
End of the road, sugarplums.
God! Why are you always finding us?
Oh, look at the oppressor
with the foot on our necks.
You signed a contract.
That's not fair.
Oh, it's just business.
Dad, no!
You're a villain.
- Hey.
- Ow.
Oh, my God.
Easy now, guv.
Hold on. One minute.
Chris? Oh, my God.
Oh, blimey.
I had no idea
that this would actually happen.
I know, honey.
It's like we're in the Twilight Zone.
Dad, no.
How do we fix this?
I'm-a keep it real.
Worst Christmas ever.
Look, bad things happen to good people,
but if you have family and love,
you'll get through anything.
And it's always better to get through it
together than on your own.
Joy, you go to any college you want to.
'Cause you are unstoppable,
and it should be your choice.
And, Nick, your music is good.
Really good.
I saw that tonight.
Son, you're an entertainer
and you're a leader,
and you need to share your gift.
And, Holly, baby girl,
you keep the spirit of Christmas alive,
every day.
That's always been your gift to the world.
That's always been your gift to me.
And, Carol, mama,
you gonna have to go on without me.
No, Chris.
Chris, we're not the Carvers without you.
We're just not.
Oh, too bad, so sad.
Say goodbye to your dad.
Wait, wait. Wait!
Santa! Please.
Please, you've got to help.
No, no, no. Don't get any ideas, old man.
I won fair and square.
They needed 40 gold rings in their hands.
And how many rings do they have?
- 38. I counted.
- Uh, 38.
We have 38 gold rings.
You sure about that?
Y-Yeah. I-I...
Wait. 39.39!
Plus mine makes 40!
- Dad, you're back!
- What just happened?
Oh, God, you're heavy.
Oh, my God! I love you!
Oh, I love y'all so much.
- We love you, too.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Holly.
Daddy, I love you.
Those don't count. Those don't count!
40 rings, Pepper.
- No! No.
- Just like you said.
In their hands.
No, no, no, no!
No, no!
No. No.
Hey, can y'all not forget about
the little people, like, literally?
Hey, Santa,
is there anything you can do to help them?
No. No, they are mine.
They made a deal, too, and they lost!
- They lost!
- You're right. They did.
- Oh.
- There's nothing I can do.
Shaken ornament syndrome.
But I know something that can.
Oh, what's that?
A child's Christmas wish.
Oprah said if I believe,
I can do anything!
Let's park and dive!
Jumping in!
Oh! Oh!
We're back! We're back!
What in the absolute f...
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Holly, my angel.
- Are you Gary?
- Yeah. And you my future, ain't you?
- No, no, no, I didn't mean it like that.
- Are you my future?
Come on, baby, you don't like all that?
- I don't.
- Okay.
All right, all right.
What are we doing?!
What are we doing?!
Hey! Way to go, Santa Claus!
Why is this happening to me?
It's what I asked Santa for.
For Christmas.
Are you elfin' kidding me?
Thugs need hugs.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- No, don't, don't, don't! -
Don't! Oh. Oh.
Why is it so warm?
That's the spirit.
Now, if you promise to be good,
I'll let you return to the North Pole.
Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You gonna let her return to the North Pole
after all the stuff she did to us?
I'm Santa Claus, Christopher.
Everybody gets a second chance.
Oh, no, Santa Claus.
I mean, she did a lot of stuff here.
At-at the very least,
she should be flogged or something.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
It's been a long time
since my last flogging.
Well, you overdue.
All right, come on, everyone.
Let's get you home in time for Christmas.
- Oh, oh! Bye!
- Bye!
- Shotgun!
- Not if I get there first!
That's not how shotgun works, Gary!
My heels! Oops.
Where's your magic up in here?
I'm gonna miss you, guv.
Pip, I wish you could stay, but you
probably got family waiting on you, right?
That's the real gift, innit?
Yeah, it is.
Merry Christmas, Pip.
Merry Christmas.
All right.
Babe, look. They're gonna take off.
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Merry Christmas!
- Bye, Cordelia!
- - Bye!
Just hear those sleigh bells jingling,
ring ting tingling, too
Come on, it's lovely weather
for a sleigh ride together with you
- Take a ride
- Outside, the snow is falling...
- Bye-bye!
- Bye! - Bye!
Bye, Santa!
Ho ho ho!
Oh! Oh.
Oh, my gosh. Oh, oh, oh!
- Wow.
- Hey! - Oh, my God.
Oh, that was great. And snow?
- Hey!
- Hey!
Whoa! Look at that!
- It's amazing. It's amazing.
- No way. - Hey!
What happened?
That's not snow.
- Oh, hell no.
- Oh, you're kidding me.
- From Bruce's yard!
- It's Bruce!
Ugh. I thought it was
one of those moments.
Wow! Wow!
I mean, it all looked so real.
I mean, I think it... I think it was real.
Uh, real good.
Like Tony's Tacos.
Live every day like it's...
Like it's Christmas.
I don't know how we gonna top this
next year.
- No, Chris, we don't want to do that.
- What? Next year? - Seriously? - What?
- I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- Okay, but the-the good news!
It's ten months to Halloween.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Oh, my gosh, seriously, Mom?
Not bad.
- Merry Christmas, Bruce.
- Oh, hey.
- Chris. Thank you.
- Yeah, man.
I didn't get anything for you, but I will.
And hey!
What is this?
- It's fleece. It's fleece.
- Is this... Is it real fleece?
- That's real fleece. Yeah.
- That is so generous of you.
I love fleece.
How about that?
I saw it, and I thought, "Bruce."
Little known fact about fleece:
It's very breathable.
Very breathable fabric.
- That's not the calling birds, is it?
- I really hope not.
It's for you.
Oh. All right.
So, yeah, man,
I think you're gonna enjoy that.
Yeah. What size is it?
- Hello?
- Your size.
Uh, uh-huh.
Um, okay, yeah.
Uh, merry Christmas to you, too.
All right. Buh-bye.
I got the job.
I got the job!
- You got the job.
- What? Are you serious?
You got the job!
- All right.
- Incredible!
Oh. Oh, get the door.
- I got the job. Oh, my God.
- Mommy!
- Oh. I got the job.
- Ah.
- I can't believe it!
- I got it.
- No, I'm okay. Okay.
- Okay.
Pip, you're back.
Morning, guv.
- Hey, is everything okay?
- Yeah.
Just found myself in the borough,
thought I'd stop by.
Merry Christmas, my angel.
I made a wish meself, Holly.
It's to not spend the holidays on me own.
- Aw.
- If you'll have me. - Oh, man.
Get this man a taco.
- Tacos.
- Taco?
- What is that?
- This is wine in a box!
- How kind.
- Aw.
And what is this?
That is a fresh lady mallard.
- Ah, a fresh-killed lady mallard.
- Ah.
- Delicious.
- Oh, yes.
It's a Christmas miracle.
Ah, well, come on in and have a seat.
- Please come sit down.
- Have a seat with us, Pip.
We're having tacos tonight.
- Please.
- Oh, splendid. - But, uh, I'm sure
we could, uh, figure out how to, how to
break this, uh, lady mallard down into...
Baby, do you, do you know
how to prepare mallard?
Ooh, nice one.
Chris, fits like a glove.
Ah, yes, it does. That's a sport cut.
Yeah, it's very hard to breathe, though.
This is, this is Bruce.
This is Pip. Pip, Bruce.
Pleasure. You must be the local dandy.
It's a miracle
What we go through
We will aim high
We'll find the joy for you
Bells are ringing, ringing
Your time is ticking, too
- Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la
- Hey
Oh, oh
'Tis the season for the golden rings
Everybody, gather round and sing
Let's bring the type of joy
that keep us together
A friendly reminder
we can do this in any weather
It's a miracle...
Well, hello. Good to see you.
I thought you were giving me
a second chance!
Oh, you'll get one.
I believe in you.
And if you're a good little ornament,
you can work your way up
to the reindeer stalls...
Santa, please! Anything but that.
...where you'll shovel dookie.
Please. Is there anything I can do?
No, but I just feel that...
I'm just upset because clearly...
You can't just turn everyone you want
into an ornament.
I'm sorry, Santa.
Please. Please.
You're ruining my life, Santa.
Let's get mystical
Here's what we gon' do
We will aim high
We'll find the joy for you
Bells are ringing, ringing
Your time is ticking, too
Your time is ticking, too, hey
I can't believe the love
and the joy sent to me
Everybody came together,
and that's all that we need
That's all we needed
We can't get caught up
in this world's evil little game
Just believe it in your heart,
anything can come your way
"Jingle, jingle bells," we sing
Traveling around for rings
We need the whole family
When we swallow our pride
We can do anything
It's a miracle
What we go through
Oh, what we go through
Let's get mystical
Here's what we gon' do
- We will aim high
- Yeah
We'll find the joy for you
We'll find it
Ring, ring, ring
Bells are ringing, ringing
Your time is ticking, too
- Why'd you pick the tuba anyway?
- It called me.
It called you? The tuba called you?
What did it sound like?
Oh, God, I think
there's a saltine in here that's...
- Oh.
- It's tearing me up.
- You want some saltines?
- Uh, no.
I have chocolate!
Well, all that's about to change
- because Peppermint is...
- Who?
I bet you the white Santa Claus
could help us.
I'm sorry.
- Why you gonna do that to me, man?
- I'm sorry.
- It's not as heavy as it looks.
- It's huge! It...
- You ready?
- No!
- Don't push it!
- I'm pushing!
Don't push it!
It's Christmastime in...
I am not as loud as you.
- In fact, you know how I met your mother?
- I'm scared to ask.
We was at a party,
and I heard somebody screaming,
"Party over here! Party over here!"
- "Go 'head! Go 'head!"
- Go 'head!
Let me tell you something
you guys don't know about your father.
- Hey.
- He's an amazing dancer and he can sing.
- What?
- I'm right... They can hear you.
You ain't got to talk so loud.
Snowflakes falling,
it's that time of year
'Tis the season,
spreading joy and cheer
Fire's glowing
and the lights are bright
Children dream of gifts
underneath the tree
Smiles on their face full of pure glee
Friends and family are near
Sharing memories so dear
Cherish the moment
With the people that surround you
Live in the moment
Let's have a timeless Christmas
Let's just come together
In harmony as one forever
Ring the bells, let the music play
Feel the joy,
it's time to celebrate Christmas
Oh, this Christmas
In every home, a candle's lit aglow
A warmth of love for all to show
As snowflakes dance outside the window
A feeling of peace forevermore
Feel the king, o holy night
The choir sings a song of life like
Pa-rum-pum-pum, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum
Cherish the moment
With the people that surround you
Live in the moment
Let's have a timeless Christmas
Let's just come together
In harmony as one forever
Ring the bells, let the music play
Feel the joy,
it's time to celebrate Christmas
Oh, this Christmas
There's laughter in our hearts,
a special kind
Sharing love and kindness
in every rhyme
Every rhyme
We gather round
with friends by our side
And feel the magic in the sky
In the sky
Let's have a timeless Christmas
Let's just come together
In harmony as one forever
- Ring the bells, let the music play
- Ring, ring
Feel the joy,
it's time to celebrate Christmas
Oh, this Christmas
Timeless Christmas.