Cannonball Run, The (1981) Movie Script
What do you say
when there are no words
Feel it
Feel a song
that's never been heard
Sing it
How do you know
when you hear the call
Answer
What do you do
when you've done it all
Ball
THE CANNONBALL RUN
Cannonball
It's not what you do
it's how you do it
Be anything you want to be
It's not what you got
it's how you use it
You be you and I'll be me
It's just a matter of style
You can't fake it
Mile after mile, feeling free
If you've got the soul
You can make it
Move 'em out, let 'em roll
From sea to shining sea
Ball
Cannonball
What do you do
when the mountain is there
Move it
How do you answer
the challenging dare
Take it
When your back's against the wall
Feel it
What do you do
when you've done it all
Cannonball
It's not what you do
it's how you do it
Be anything you want to be
It's not what you've got
it's how you use it
You be you and I'll be me
It's just a matter of style
You can't fake it
Mile after mile, feeling free
If you've got the soul
You can make it
Move 'em out
Let 'em roll
From sea to shining sea
Ball
Headquarters, we are still
in pursuit of the black Lamborghini.
Car 42, you've been in pursuit
for two hours.
Another five minutes,
and you'll be in Arizona.
Yeah, and we're gonna stay in pursuit
until we catch him.
It didn't take us that long
to catch Dillinger.
Hi, guys.
- You're two hours late.
- I'm sorry.
Where the hell you been?
I'm sorry.
Fuel-injection system...
It's driving me crazy.
I'm really sorry I'm late, but one
of my hamsters had an anxiety attack.
I couldn't leave him
until he was settled down.
He was acting so crazy.
He ate a piece of tail.
And Henrietta wasn't even
bothering him.
Then he ate his treadmill.
They got vets for that.
We got other things to worry about.
Hamsters are a big responsibility.
Let me paint you a mental picture,
all right, Victor?
I want you to think of your hamsters
as a little army...
marching along on a treadmill...
running their little legs off,
running as fast as they can...
making that engine just
purr right along the road.
Oh,j.j. What a wonderful way
to put it.
Wouldn't it be great if we could share
winning the Cannonball with them?
That would be a real team effort...
you, me, the hamsters and him.
Don't start with him.
I don't want to talk about him.
- If you need any help...
- I don't want to talk about him.
- Sir james!
- Oh, my God. You again?
Fenderbaum, do me a favor.
You're drawing flies.
Get the hell out of here.
Wait a minute, Greek.
Only thing I want to know is...
how are you figuring the odds
on this Cannonball cockamamie?
It takes brilliance
and years of hard work...
and you wouldn't understand
any part of that.
Do me a favor.
A race is a race, right?
The only thing you gotta do
in the Cannonball is drive steady...
stay out of trouble
and have a good cover.
Do you know what that is?
You want to talk
or do you want to bet?
Anti- radar paint,
turbocharged,j.j.
Nobody can stop us now.
Nobody.
What are you, some kind of nut?
Who do you think you are?
I am Captain Chaos.
And this...
This is my faithful companion, Cato.
Say hello, Cato.
Been a cop long?
Funny!
You wanna talk or you wanna bet?
- You got 50 to 1.
- And you know what you got?
You got yourself a bet.
Twenty big large ones.
That's a million dollars.
If you win.
I don't know if you know my partner.
Jamie, you remember jimmy the Greek.
Jamie Blake.
You used to drive
that Formula One...
when high- button shoes
were in style.
Let me tell you something, Greek.
We got a secret weapon.
- God is our copilot.
- You'll need him.
"God is our copilot"?
- Remember our car?
- Yeah.
- Two seats?
- Two seats.
Where's he gonna sit?
Where?
Listen to me, El Porko.
We're not in the Indianapolis 500.
We can't have a car with numbers on it.
- We have to camouflage the car somehow.
- Like what,j.j.?
How about a limousine
with diplomatic plates?
I know. A bloodmobile.
They'd never stop
a bloodmobile, would they?
Ice cream truck!
An ice cream truck!
You know. They got to get there
before it melts.
Terrific.
- We're out of beer, Victor.
- Sorry.
Take it easy! You're acting crazy
since this Cannonball thing!
I'm gonna pull in here
and get some beer, all right?
How about an armored personnel carrier?
They wouldn't stop that, would they?
Hey, don't bother to park.
I'll be right out.
Thank you.
We could get a black Trans Am.
No, that's been done.
Hello, Mother.
I trust you've had a pleasant day.
A nightmare.
A living nightmare.
You are killing me, Seymour...
killing me a slow death
with this idiot spy business.
- Mother, you don't understand.
- What is there to understand?
I'm looking at my son,
Seymour Goldfarb,jr...
son of Seymour Goldfarb,
God rest his soul...
and heir to the Goldfarb Girdles
fortune.
And what is he doing?
Walking around, acting...
like he was some goy movie star
named Roger Moore.
And for this I sent you
to the best schools?
For this I'm spending 8,000
on orthodontia work?
For this I'm going broke
paying that Beverly Hills analyst?
And now...
this.
The sleep-in maid found it
under your pillow this morning.
What is the meaning of this?
The meaning, Mother dear,
is a quick death.
I warned you not to interfere
in my affairs.
Seymour, put that away.
It's liable to go off.
I'm terribly sorry, Mother...
but you know too much.
You see, in my business...
even the deepest family relationships
aren't worth a farthing.
Farthing, schmarthing.
Zie gezunt, Mama.
Where did I go wrong?
You know something, Mama?
You're too jewish.
Of course, we could always go
with a nice, plain- jane Chevy...
with a truckload
of Sidewinder missiles.
J. J., maybe you should slow this down
just a little bit.
- I can't hear you.
- I said, you're making waves.
- You're bothering the people.
- What the hell does going too fast...
got to do with being
in the Cannonball?
J. J., you're making very big waves.
How are ya?
You guys are lucky.
You tore the heck out of that boat.
- You all right, Victor?
- Oh, I'm fine,j.j.
It only hurts when I point.
You know, maybe
it would've been better...
if you didn't pay
so much attention to those girls.
- Nobody's perfect.
- That's true.
Nobody's perfect...
but him.
Sorry.
How far is it
to the hospital?
- About ten miles.
- Oh, yeah?
How long will it take us
to get there?
About four or five minutes.
You can smoke through traffic like
shot through a gun in this thing.
Camel.
Not the Camel, schmuck. Winston.
Starting tomorrow, you and George
will be riding in the car with me.
Yes, sir.
How goes your driving, my brother?
Allah be praised, dear sister.
My speed is rivaled only by
the lightning bolts from the heavens.
And I suppose you still intend
to go through that race...
with the infidel Americans.
Cannonball will fall...
to the forces of Islam!
My dear sister, I pledge it!
Drink! Drink!
- The car will be there, correct?
- Yes, Mr. Compton.
Don't forget to cancel
the board meeting on Monday.
I'm going to spend a week
in Spain at the castle.
- Yes, Mr. Compton.
- I want you to find an old friend...
a Mr. Shakey Finch.
He is the finest long- distance
motorcycle rider in this nation.
- You got it?
- Yes, Mr. Compton.
Mr. Compton, the board has asked me
to express their concern one more time.
- Please reconsider.
- Not possible, Arthur.
The board will have to permit me
this one indulgence...
to my ego.
I've gotta be free
I've gotta be me
To live
Got to be free
- Boy, ain't he something?
- Are you kidding?
That is the dumbest thing I've seen
since that dimwit...
tried to jump the Grand Canyon.
He's still on our ass.
I don't think...
I don't think...
I don't think he's a brother either.
Don't you worry, son.
I'm gonna lose him up here at the motel.
Hey, I remember.
There's a spot...
There's a spot right in back...
and it's a perfect spot to hide.
All right. Wonderful, wonderful.
- Take... Take...
- Left.
Oh, hell. Take a left.
I can't see shit, can you?
No problem, son.
No problem.
What was that?
That's... That's... That's...
perfect.
That's better than hiding...
- That's better than hiding it out back.
- I know.
But the only problem
we got now...
is we have to go and retune it.
All right?
Let's go get a beer first.
Yeah, let's go get... Let's... Beer.
I'd like to thank Mona Carson
of Westport...
for that wonderful combination
of hemp sandwiches...
and wood chip consomme.
And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for.
This is a titty turn...
terrific turnout for the meeting.
- Yes, terrific.
- He led the campaign...
to ban the use of electric toothbrushes
during peak load hours.
I suppose you...
came here to hear me speak.
No, not really.
I'm into trees.
Trees.
Friends of Nature love trees,
you know...
so I come to the meetings.
That's very interesting.
I love anybody who loves trees.
They happen to be
a great passion of mine.
You know what I like
best about trees?
- No, what?
- That you can lie under them...
on a moonlit night
with the breeze blowing...
ball your brains out.
Mr. Arthur j. Foyt.
Mr. Foyt.
Give that sucker some juice.
The only thing hiding it...
hiding it... hiding it in the pool...
did was make it pretty.
It ain't running worth a shit.
And it's wet!
I know that. Just hit it
one more time, all right?
Hold it! Hold it!
I know what's wrong.
Don't think for a minute...
that we in Washington...
don't appreciate your Mothers' March...
to ban the sale
of colored toilet paper...
to help reduce irritation...
of the rectum.
But today...
I want to direct my remarks...
to an old...
and familiar enemy...
the automobile.
One more time.
Let me hear it.
It reminds me of a poem...
I wrote.
"The automobile, the automobile..."
Are you all right?
They picked on the wrong one
this time!
I guarantee
they're gonna pay for this...
because when the going gets tough,
the tough get going.
She's running good now, buddy.
I still think
we ought to paint it.
If we're gonna paint it, let's go ahead
and Midasize it, all right?
There's the motel.
The Cannonballers have the parking lot
all jammed up.
Man, I can't handle this traffic.
Hold on to your lunch pail.
This may get a little weird.
Wait a minute.
Slow down!
You the one running this flea bag?
- Where are the hookers?
- What?
Hookers, man.
Where are the hookers?
Excuse me.
- Hello, Mad Dog.
- Hey,j.j.
You probably didn't realize this,
but the parking lot's outside.
Yeah, I know.
Brakes went out.
- You think you're the president?
- Well...
let me make one thing
perfectly clear.
We feel terrible about it.
And if they can't take a joke...
Thank goodness. We just had
a terrible accident.
We'd like to help you,
but we're off duty.
This man looks bad.
Maybe he's dead.
Then you should call the coroner.
J. J., he don't look too good.
- I think he just had his bell rung.
- Can't you do something?
You're professionals.
This is our day off.
Will you guys do something?
This man's life is hanging by a thread.
You have to be scientific. It could go
up the nostrils, affect the sinuses.
That's true.
There.
Don't bother about the bill.
Just give him
a couple of enemas...
and call me in the morning.
- Hi. How's it going?
- Perfect.
We'd like two singles.
J.j. McClure, Victor Prinzim.
I'll be in the bar.
I always like a couple drinks
right after surgery.
I wonder why that guy
parked his truck in the lobby.
Only in America.
Get me 12 suites.
- Better yet, the entire floor.
- Yes, sir.
Too much couscous.
I would sure as H
like to get my hands...
on those Hell's Angels
who were driving that truck.
But you know, it's probably
just as well...
because I am a wild bull
when I lose my temper.
I love wild bulls.
It's really funny that you should...
Oh, my God. It's them.
- "Them" who?
- Those Hell's Angels.
They could be part
of a terrorist group.
I don't know.
This place is filling up...
with some real hoodlums.
Do you see anything weird back there?
I'm gonna find out.
I don't understand why it's
so difficult for you to find a doctor.
It's very, very hard. It's not easy
finding a doctor to take off like that.
- Dr. Gay doesn't even leave his house.
- You don't understand.
If you're going to win and you're
driving an ambulance, you need a doctor.
- What does Dr. Gay do?
- He's my shrink.
- He was committed yesterday.
- Why?
He was smoking bananas.
He gets very upset
when he talks to him.
So do I.
Sorry.
I don't want fruit in my drink.
Congratulations.
Here's to you.
Good luck.
You dumb shits.
They haven't got a chance.
You know what?
I think I'm gonna call the Greek
and put another 10,000 on us.
What about those two?
Maybe one of those beauties
could be our patient.
Both of them could be.
I could be very patient
with those patients.
They're very lick...
very likeable.
Tell you what. Let's go over there
and talk to them.
- Okay.
- I'll do all the talking.
You just think about the doctor.
- Good evening, ladies.
- Hello.
My name is j.j. McClure, and this is
Victor Prinzim, my executive assistant.
- Hi.
- I'll do the talking, Victor.
Terrorists, my dimpled ass.
These people make terrorists look like
the Sisters of Charity.
These guys are Cannonballers.
What is that, a bowling team?
As you probably know, we're
the favorites to win the Cannonball...
and I was wondering if one of you
or both of you...
might like to ride
in the winning vehicle.
That would be very exciting.
Exciting.
But we're Cannonballers ourselves,
thank you.
They're Cannonballers.
As for the winning vehicle...
we'll just have to wait and see.
You haven't seen our equipment.
Equipment?
Don't tell me your name.
Let me guess.
I'll just call you Beauty, okay?
That's nice.
Thank you.
Sit down.
Are you one of those volleyballers?
Cannonballers. No.
Why are you dressed like that?
Humanitarian reasons.
I'm a wealthy philanthropist.
Me and my partner ride around
in an ambulance...
Iooking for accidents,
trying to help people.
I don't think we were put
on this earth to hurt people.
I think we were put
on this earth to...
help people.
- That's beautiful.
- Thank you.
You must be a sensitive person.
I try to be.
I bet you're a fan of Rod McKuen.
I listen to him every night.
I'm into trees.
Have you ever heard of joyce Kilmer?
She wrote a terrific poem
about a tree.
He.
Who?
- He.
- He's a she?
She's a he.
Well, he wrote a really terrific
poem about a tree.
- You know what I like best about trees?
- No, what?
That you can lie under them
on a moonlit night...
the leaves gently
blowing in the trees...
Sorry.
It's all right.
What were you saying about trees?
I was saying,
what I like best about trees...
is that, on a moonlit night
you can lie under them...
with the leaves gently blowing...
Hey,j. J., you'll never believe
what just happened to him.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- He had the most wonderful time...
I don't want to talk about him.
Victor, Beauty. Beauty, Victor.
- Hello, Victor.
- You really are.
- Do you want to hear about the doc?
- He's telling me about the doctor.
- Oh, it's about the doctor.
- It's really important.
- We need a doc for the ambulance.
- It'll keep.
I'll leave you two alone.
- But listen, I think you should hear...
- It'll keep!
- It's really important.
- I want to talk to her.
Who?
Now do you want to hear
about the doc?
- No!
- It'll keep.
Hey, Brad, old buddy!
How the hell are you?
My God, it is you.
Hello, Shakey!
Shakey, it's kind of tough
to get close to you.
Last time I saw you,
you were a bit more svelte.
Yeah, well, what can I tell you?
In the pizza business, when it's slow...
you tend to eat the inventory.
But that's not good for the Cannonball.
You know that.
You don't need a motorcycle.
You need the Super Chief.
Even with the extra tonnage,
I'm still the best there is.
Yeah? Well, I'll tell you what.
I got a throttle that's been sticking.
Why don't you fix that?
Boss, this is the biggest coup...
in the history
of the safety enforcement unit.
We're gonna blow this
Cannonball thing wide open...
and then we're gonna hit congress
for a real budget...
that will allow us to play
some real hardball.
I mean, this is
our Three Mile Island...
and Love Canal combined.
- What's wrong?
- Look at the chicks.
- What is it?
- Look at the chicks!
If we were Methodists...
what a shot we could have had
of getting laid right here.
Listen, I want to get up there.
I don't want to miss a thing.
All right. There you go.
Just as good as new. Give her a try.
- That's it?
- That's it.
All right.
We'll see.
Hey, I don't think it's the throttle.
I think it's the clutch!
Good-bye.
Look out!
Hey, watch out!
Watch out!
Coming through!
What in the hell was that?
That must be the entry
of the National Safety Council.
Good day.
I am here to participate
in your little jaunt to California.
Well, of course.
If you would sign in here, please.
Hold still, Petey.
Say cheese.
I realize the novelty
of a major celebrity...
entering your little race...
but kindly resist the temptation and
keep the media coverage to a minimum.
- Thank you.
- Will you hurry the hell up?
Hurry up!
Man does not live
on... on bread alone.
What concerns me is, do we have
enough ice for all this beer?
Plenty.
Yeah, well, how about food, son.
Did you bring enough food?
Plenty.
Will you get serious?
Give me the rest of that beer.
Excuse me, good sisters,
if you will.
Father, we do have a race to run,
and we're running a little late.
So will you come on?
Will you excuse him, good sisters?
- Bye- bye.
- Don't run off. Tonight's the night.
I'd like to welcome you all...
to an event that's sometimes been
called the automotive counterpart...
to the Bay of Pigs.
You all are certainly
the most distinguished group...
of highway scofflaws and degenerates...
ever gathered together
in one place.
We're gonna have fun.
Of course you know certain skeptics
note that perhaps 10,000...
of the nation's most elite
highway patrolmen...
are out there waiting for us after
we start, but let's think positively.
Think of the fact that there is
not one state in the 50...
that has the death penalty
for speeding.
Although I'm not sure about Ohio.
Everybody is gonna get
a card like this.
When you leave, you're gonna
punch out here at this time clock.
Three thousand miles away from here...
is another time clock just like that
at the Portofino Inn.
The difference between the two times
is your time across the country.
The record stands
at 32 hours and 51 minutes.
Believe it or not, those guys did
break the 55 mile an hour speed limit.
Let's get that first car up here.
We're gonna get this thing underway.
Go!
- I know.
- All right. Where's the doctor?
- I got everything else.
- Where's the doctor?
- I got 60 gallons of gas...
- Can you read my lips?
- Where is the doctor?
- The auxiliary tanks...
Goddamn it, I gave you one
responsibility... to get a doctor.
You give me no doctor.
Where is he?
He got sick.
Listen to what I'm telling you.
You go find a doctor.
Get me Dr. Kildare.
Get me Dr. Livingston.
Get me Dr. Frankenstein.
Just get me a doctor.
- Go where the doctors hang out.
- Where is that?
Bars, golf courses.
Golf course, bar. All right.
Where else? Hospital!
Try that too.
My jet will take you to California.
It's time for you to punch out.
I'll see you in California!
I love you!
A toast to us, you and me.
- We're gonna win the whole thing.
- It's a cinch.
The more I look around
and see these turkeys...
I have...
While you're drinking,
that truck to the left...
Isn't that j.j. McClure?
He's nothing.
Don't worry about him.
It's the blimp next to him. The blimp.
When he puts on that mask,
he'll blow your goddamn doors off.
You understand that?
The blimp!
Was that weird?
It's a Nevada license plate...
and that's...
whiskey, zebra, alpha...
niner, fiver, zero.
- You got that?
- What?
Just write W-Z-A...
No, here.
Will you let me do it?
W-Z-A-9-5-0.
See? Whiskey, zebra, alpha,
niner, fiver, zero.
Okay, so it's Interstate 80
through Pennsylvania.
Oh, that's a good looking piece.
And cunningly disguised
so it won't look like a racing car.
You know, the cops would never
give that a second glance.
Two hundred and twenty miles an hour,
and they won't get a second glance.
Hey, when we get to California...
I got a place out at Palos Verdes...
You boys gonna start this thing or just
sit and wait for that paint to dry?
Yes, sir.
- How long till we stop?
- Eight hours.
Damn, I gotta go to the john.
Go.
Mad Dog, you are gonna take the shortcut
to the interstate, aren't you?
We're here to win, ain't we?
If you're gonna be a bear,
be a grizzly.
My God, Pamela.
Did you see that?
They drove right through those trees.
I love trees. Did I tell you...
We are going right down there and bring
this thing to a screeching halt...
right now.
Buckle up.
We're going into action.
Would you mind?
- Very civil.
- Might be easier with your lights on.
Why advertise?
- Wait a minute, Father.
- What?
That's a no-no. Haven't you heard? They
haven't allowed that for 2,000 years.
No, look. I'm a liberal wing.
Way out on the other
part of the church.
- It's nothing at all.
- Keep flying, Father.
How about just one of you?
Who says cops won't stop honeymooners?
Anyhow, why do I
have to be the bride?
Shut up, sweetie,
and punch the clock.
- Okay, go slow until I get my wig on.
- Yes, dear.
Well, old pal of mine,
are we all set for California?
- Next time, Methodist. Methodist!
- All right, pal of mine.
Okay, okay. You're all right.
Okay, now, who's driving?
- You are.
- You're driving.
- I can't drive.
- Then I'm driving.
Yeah, I think you are.
All right.
Put me down.
You hold this.
I'll get in the car.
- Come on.
- I'm coming.
Somebody's hat!
Hold my drink.
Hit it!
Thank you, good sisters.
May the good Lord take a liking to you,
but not too soon.
Bless you, my children.
Those guys are more juiced up
than that Ferrari.
- J. J., wait. I got the doc.
- Terrific.
No, wait.
He's in the ambulance. This way.
Before I open this,
don't get your hopes up too high.
- I was pressed for time.
- No problem.
Holy shit!
I'm honored, sir.
I'm Doctor Nicholas...
Nickolas Van Helsing,
professor of proctology...
and other related tendencies.
Graduate of the University
of Rangoon...
and assorted night classes...
at the Knoxville, Tennessee,
College of Faith Healing.
You may be a little
overqualified for this job.
You got your equipment with you?
I never go anywhere without it.
However, in my particular line of work,
I seldom need more than this.
Or this.
We'll talk about this later.
Now, sir, before we commence
this odyssey...
which I understand will carry us
across this grand nation...
from sea to shining sea...
there's the matter of my compensation.
I've determined that my services
will require...
the payment of $2,000.
I was thinking more
along the lines of $200.
Fortunately...
my practice allows me
a certain flexibility.
After checking my schedule, I find
I'll be able to make the journey.
As far as the money's concerned,
you've got a deal.
We're off!
Here we go.
Three thousand carefree,
madcap miles to California.
California, here we come
Right back where we started from
Thanks to you, Victor, we do not have
a female patient in the back...
thanks to your wonderful Cousin Tessie.
It's not my fault
that she didn't fit in the stretcher.
Doesn't fit in the ambulance.
I got the doc here, didn't I?
Don't ever tell me where you got him.
I don't want to know where you got him.
I was just surprised
that all the animals there were...
I don't want to know
where you got him!
Hey, maybe I could be the patient.
That's a good idea.
Everybody would believe you were sick.
- Don't you believe he's sick?
- Want me to examine him?
Him doesn't like it
when you say bad things about me.
And you know that.
Thanks to you, though,
we don't have a female patient.
And we've got to find a female...
Damn Cannonballers.
I'm so happy you're here.
- Can you help me with Mr...
- Foyt.
- Foyt.
- Sure. That's what I'm here for.
Mr. Foyt. Go around and get in
the emergency entrance.
Come on right here.
There we go. Hit it!
Wait, I'm not...
This is really terrific...
the way you guys go around
helping people.
Next year we're going
for the Nobel Prize.
That's where the big bucks are.
You forgot Mr... Mr...
Well, we got you.
We're batting.500. Nobody's perfect.
Well, I think you have to go back
and pick him up.
We'd really like to,
but we're on kind a tight schedule.
We're on our way to California.
You'd be amazed how many
sick people there are out there.
They need our help.
We could pick him up on the way back.
Victor, can you help me?
No, I can't.
I can't do anything.
But he can.
Who can?
Him.
Excuse me.
Doctor...
My God, the perfect specimen.
J. J., you want me to start
the examination right away?
I'm gonna like this job.
Right here, honey.
No, thank you.
Not right now.
Of course, man.
This took 30 years.
They won't be able to see us...
the son of a guns.
I'm really sorry about that...
little lapse, Officer.
Normally I drive
right around the speed limit.
We all make mistakes, miss, but 160?
That's a little more than a lapse.
What the hell is going on here?
Everybody's driving like maniacs.
I don't know, Officer.
Let me see
your driver's license, please.
What the hell. I can't penalize
nice girls like you...
for a little indiscretion...
with the whole road packed with
speed-crazy lunatics.
Here. You girls have a nice trip.
- Drive carefully and take it easy.
- Thank you.
- Come back and see us next year.
- Bye.
Take care.
Keep it in the road.
I don't know why you're pouting.
I mean, look. We're taking
a nice, leisurely trip to California.
And we're picking up all the bills.
This could be fun.
I can't believe
this is happening to me.
This is not a joke anymore.
I'm being kidnapped.
You can call it kidnapping
if you want to be rude.
Just think. We have
a professional physician on board...
in case somebody gets swamp fever.
You guys are strange.
We got company.
Yeah, I hear.
Okay, Beauty, you lie down
and be a patient for the police.
- Come on. Why?
- Don't!
I'm not gonna help you.
You didn't even help Mr...
Maybe I can help.
Dear God!
It's all right, miss. It doesn't hurt.
Give it to myself all the time.
Yeah. He gives it to himself
all the time.
Show her.
Come on, Doc.
Show her.
Show her.
There. You see?
That didn't hurt.
- J.j.?
- No, thanks.
Hi, guys. What's up?
What's up?
You guys are running at 120.
Your lights are flashing all over.
- We've got a patient in there.
- You were still speeding.
She's very sick.
There's not a hospital within 50 miles.
Where are you headed?
- UCLA.
- UCLA?
- UCLA Medical Center.
- L.A.
California?
This is going to sound like a dumb
question, but if she's that sick...
why didn't you fly her?
Why didn't we fly her?
I'm just the driver.
We have to ask the doc.
That's a good idea.
Why don't we ask the doc?
I'm sorry.
What's going on out here?
What is this crude interruption?
The patient... Why can't she
be flown to California?
Cysts on the walls of her lungs.
Very rare.
You see, airplanes are only
pressurized at 10,000 feet.
Anybody who knows anything
about medicine knows...
that she can't fly,
she has to be driven.
We couldn't even go through Denver,
it's so high.
Tell them to go back
and pick up Mr...
- Is that lady all right?
- She's in great pain.
Causes her to make
certain delirious deliriums.
Sounds like she's on something to me.
Let me explain something to you.
We have to get the senator's wife...
to California in 72 hours.
You understand what I'm saying?
We have to get the senator's wife...
to California in 72 hours.
We're very close.
As long as you're in New jersey,
I want you fellows to take it easy.
- You got that?
- We sure do.
- Thanks a lot.
- Get this rig out of here.
I'm glad there's no cupcakes
like that in New jersey.
You haven't met
my brother-in- law Ralph.
I thought that cop was gonna have
a cardiac arrest...
when we said we were going
to California.
Wasn't Beauty terrific?
The lady was splendid.
She should have her picture
on the cover of the AMAJournal.
I'm sure that doctor's
a very sweet man, basically.
Ah, thanks.
But don't you ever tell me
where you found him.
Ever.
It's the Cannonball.
It's the damn Cannonball for sure.
They blasted away
right in front of my eyes.
And they kidnapped a girl
named Pamela Glover...
just like it was the goddamn
Red Brigade or something.
No, I've got them.
This time I've got them.
Ohio? Yes.
Ohio has been notified.
Ohio has been notified.
And Missouri.
And California.
We'll get them, and I'm gonna
be there to handle it.
You can count on it.
I've got two minutes
to catch my flight.
Bye.
- Madam. Madam.
- Madam?
I'm no madam.
I'm a decent, respectable woman.
I don't even own a house.
I live in an apartment.
Now get off my case.
I'm late for my plane.
- After my career in the RAF...
- The what?
The Royal Air Force.
- Do you mind if I have a cigarette?
- Please, go ahead. They're your lungs.
Well, I had a chestful of citations...
medals, that sort of thing...
and then I drifted in playing
a rather popular...
Not that one, darling, please.
We don't want you leaving so shortly
after the trip has begun, do we?
No, of course not.
Then I drifted into playing...
a rather popular character
on a television series.
It's still in syndication, you know.
Puff away.
Thanks a lot, ladies.
But I would take it a little easier.
Some of the officers up the road
might not be as understanding.
Thank you so much, Officer.
We really do appreciate that warning.
And if you're ever in Duluth...
remember to look me up.
I got the number.
You can count on it.
How's the patient?
She's alive.
Looks like she survived the procedure.
What procedure?
If you guys laid a finger on me...
No, I just gave her a little prick.
With this.
Hey, Super Chief, will you lean forward
so I can get the front wheel down?
Stop kidding. I am.
Pull over!
We want to give you our blessings.
There are two priests
in that car over there.
They want us to pull over.
They're two priests
driving a Ferrari.
When's the last time you saw
two priests driving a Ferrari?
Are they taking the bingo money home?
Oh, no, they're doing
the work of the Lord.
In a Ferrari, they can just
do it faster, that's all.
Pull over!
We want to bless you!
One of the priests is black.
- Oh, yeah. They have black priests.
- They do?
Oh, sure.
They have a black cardinal.
Oh, they do want us to pull over.
They want to bless us.
Can we?
Let me get this straight.
You want us to pull over
and be blessed...
by a black priest in a red Ferrari?
Couldn't hurt.
- Nice car, Father.
- Thank you, asshole.
Hello, Father.
Nice-looking car.
That's what everyone says.
He even said it.
I want to thank you
for stopping, son...
'cause we always stop the ambulance...
so we can bless
whoever's in there...
and you paramedics are doing
such a wonderful job.
We're in kind of a hurry,
so just bless it and we can go.
- Oh, I gotta bless her.
- I'm sorry, Father.
She's a Zen Buddhist.
You're not a Zen Buddhist,
so you can't bless her.
We specialize in blessing Zen Buddhists.
On second thought, Father,
you want to bless him?
We need all the help we can get.
Just give him a little shot.
Thank you, Father.
- You're quite welcome.
- You did a good job.
Thank you.
Thank you, Father.
Why don't you take that piece of shit
back to the junkyard?
- We got a...
- Flat.
- And those priests...
- Weren't fathers.
- They were...
- Mothers.
Come here.
Ah, shit!
International film star...
ruthless assassin...
Casanova, poet, philosopher...
You might say a legend in my own time...
in fact, you can.
Not that one, darling. I'm afraid
this car is full of surprises.
This is something I've noticed,
I must say.
How about some champagne,
darling?
Hey, little silver four-wheeler...
that just flew past me
with the good-looking seat cover.
Son, back that thing down.
You got smokies all over my back door.
If you are referring to me...
I request that you speak more clearly
in the queen's English.
That is, if we are going to converse
on this wireless.
Bless your heart.
Cheers.
Down the hatch.
What do you think you're doing?
You can't come in here.
You're a man.
- 7-Eleven. How can I help you?
- Pumps one and two... hit 'em.
What are you, some kind of nut?
You got one unleaded and one premium.
She goes both ways.
The round orange moon pie with
the white hat on... he'll pay for it.
I'm a doctor, and if I may be
permitted the indelicacy...
you seen one,
you've seen 'em all.
Come on.
A thousand miles on one wheel?
We're trying to win a race,
not set a record.
- Victor, what do you got?
- A lot of goodies for you guys...
and a Big Gulp Dr Pepper for me.
I'm a pepper, you're a pepper
He's a pepper, she's a pepper
Wouldn't you like to be
a pepper too
- Will you get in here.
- Okay. Here you go.
Officer!
Do you take your law and order
in this town seriously?
Are you kidding?
Excuse me for asking.
Greek! But...
Would you shut up a minute
and listen to me?
Oh, by the way, Greek.
What's the odds on the japanese team
not finishing?
There's gonna be a red Ferrari come
flying through here in a few seconds...
and the two men driving
are responsible for the victim...
lying back here
in this ambulance.
- Victim?
- A flasher victim.
- You want to know the worst part?
- What's that?
- They're dressed as priests.
- Go on.
I guess they think it's a little
kinkier, you know, dressed as priests.
Goddamn, that's sick.
I'll handle this.
Oh... one more thing.
I think they're armed.
Damn, I hope so.
It'll give me an excuse.
Flashers!
Bye- bye!
J. J., you son of a...
Out of the car,
both of you. Now!
All right, hit it.
- Hit it?
- Hit it?
Freeze, or name your beneficiary.
Beneficiary?
Officer, I sincerely hope...
- you're not a Catholic.
- Pay no attention to him.
He's been locked up for six years
in that monastery...
and he don't know what he's doing.
I don't think both of his paddles
are in the water.
Six years is gonna seem like
a summer vacation...
when the state of Missouri
gets through with you.
You, shorty.
Where'd you get all that jewelry?
- Why'd he call me shorty?
- 'Cause you're small. Small.
S-M-ALL.
I suggest you take
another route, good buddy.
The smokies are getting traffic
all tied up on 40...
Iooking for them Cannonballers.
That's a big ten-four.
- Hey,j.j.
- Yeah?
There's a lot of talk on the CB
about the roadblock ahead.
What do you think?
I think we're in deep you- know-what.
The transmission is slipping.
And we lost a lot of time
because of your two phony priests.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Listen, if the transmission
does hold together...
you think we're gonna be able to bluff
our way through the roadblock ahead?
I don't know.
Give me a minute
to gather my thoughts.
I gathered my thoughts.
Hey, Lowboy!
Look in your rearview mirror.
You see this ambulance back here?
We need a piggyback ride.
This one can go by.
There's no problem here.
Let's just have this one and...
that one.
Yeah, that one's okay.
Let it go.
Excuse me, but you look very familiar.
Do I know you?
Yes, that's quite possible.
Is this going to take long?
You see, we're on our honeymoon,
and she can't wait.
Oh, thank God.
Normal people!
No, you see, we were just
looking for Cannon...
It's not important.
Just move along, if you would.
- What is this, anyway?
- It's a stakeout.
Oh. Bon appetit.
English humor.
Come on, guys,
keep moving, will you, please?
Let's see...
Quiet, Victor.
You're gonna blow our cover.
J. J., this is not
a nine-to-five job.
I wish him were here.
Hi.
Hello.
You look tired.
More frustrated than tired.
Think you're gonna win
this crazy race?
Damn right I am.
I'm sitting here having a conversation
with somebody who kidnapped me.
Who can blame anybody
for kidnapping you?
You gave me laughing gas.
Well, you have
an awful beautiful laugh.
You made me forget my favorite skirt
back at the motel.
Doesn't matter.
You look terrific without it.
What'd you expect, anyway?
- A gang bang or something like that.
- A gang bang?
We're racers, not rapists.
- Why?
- Why what?
Why all this speed and trouble
and risk and...
I mean, what for?
For the hell of it.
Didn't you ever do anything
just for the hell of it?
I guess so.
My father used to work
in the coal mines.
Forty- three years.
He was gonna retire.
Buy a houseboat.
Move down to Florida.
Fish on the back of the boat
and tell my mom lies.
He died two days
before he was gonna retire.
I guess you just never know.
Yeah.
I made up my mind right then.
I was gonna go for it...
I mean, everything I wanted...
I was gonna go for it
right then...
because you never know when
something's gonna happen to you.
Like talking to you, you know?
I mean, it's really nice.
Excuse me.
Where are you guys going?
We're just out
looking for a pack of cigarettes.
With North Carolina plates...
you're driving
to Missouri for cigarettes?
How about a beer?
How about the fact
that your paint job is coming off?
You want to take these guys away?
The good guys strike back!
What is that? Five, eight, three...
Five, eight, three, six...
Hold on. Hold on.
Let it go. Come on.
Come on, guys, keep moving,
will you please?
Howdy, sir.
What seems to be the problem?
You guys didn't really think
you'd get away with this, did you?
We're gonna get
the whole lot of you now.
Not here, you won't. The word is out
about your little roadblock.
They're talking about it
all up and down the "superslab."
Get these traitors out of here,
will you?
Think you're so big.
Do some of you people want to come over
and push this thing out of the way?
Come on.
I'll put it in neutral.
Who did that?
Make it stop!
Thanks a lot!
Keep on truckin'!
Hey, George, you remember the good old
days before they got radar in?
We used to chase speeders?
Yeah. This is really boring.
Bye- bye!
- What the hell was that?
- I don't know...
but whatever the hell it was,
it was doing 125.
That's the first time
we took an order by phone.
It was hard to understand you.
When I called you,
I was doing 140 miles an hour.
That was six lamb burgers,
four shish kebabs...
a side order of couscous...
and two milk.
No! How much?
Six seventy- five.
Here, my desert blossom.
Keep the change.
Have you ever considered
joining a harem?
I shall return for you
after the race.
Get a physical.
I shall return, my little fig.
I love you!
I don't know
how to ask you this, but...
isn't it a little strange
having that guy...
running around inside your head?
He's not in here.
He's out there somewhere,
helping people.
He's always helping people.
He'd help you.
He would?
He likes you.
How did he find you?
I mean, how did you two
get together?
Well, when I was real young...
I didn't have any friends
like I do now.
Like j.j.
Like j.j.
One day I was in the schoolyard...
and nine guys were beating me up
pretty good.
There he was.
- Captain Chaos?
- Yeah. Out of the blue!
Pow! Slam! Bam! Boff!
I sure was grateful.
That's great!
Nobody bothered me at school
after that.
I wish I had a friend
like that.
Well, first you need a mask
and a cape.
I think I'd like mine
to be pink.
Almost everything I wear
is pink.
Everything?
Even...
I don't wear any.
You don't?
Wow.
I'd like to be your friend...
'cause I like you.
I like you too, Beauty.
Thank you.
New Mexico.
Texas?
Stupid!
I'll take care of this one.
Hello, hot pants.
I don't suppose
you have a driver's license...
tucked down in there somewhere,
do you?
Yes, Officer.
That policeman seems to want us
to stop, darling.
Yes. He must be rather upset
with our rapid rate.
Funny. They don't have any sense
of humor about that sort of thing.
Aren't you going to pull over?
I'd rather not.
Can be such a bore,
talking to those chaps.
Tell you what.
We'll just slip away.
- Hit that button, will you?
- Like in your movies!
And now a little oil,
right, darling?
Well, well. We are full of tricks,
aren't we?
It's all part of my business,
really.
I've been meaning to ask you, darling.
What movie... Wait a minute.
- Can you see where you're going?
- Perfectly.
This is ridiculous.
It's good sport, isn't it?
Would you mind rolling
your window down, old girl?
We're getting done up
like a couple of kippers here.
Next time, I bring my mask.
A foggy day in London town.
You are about to witness
the ravishment...
of a woman who has been abducted.
A woman whose initial fear
has mellowed into curious expectation.
In the morning, she will be set free,
unaware of anything...
except that she has been loved
as never before.
Oh, yes, there!
Yes!
I've never seen a damn Rolls Royce
that'd do 140 miles an hour.
What do you fellas got
in that thing?
- Stock.
- Sign here.
I guess you must have misconstrued
my remark...
about my mother planning to purchase
Southern California...
as an attempt to influence
your giving me a ticket, Officer.
I am sure that she will still
consider keeping you all on...
as a member of the Highway Patrol,
regardless...
of how shabbily
you treated her son.
You might want to tell that
to the judge, sir.
This is for you and the judge!
Goddamn camel jockey.
Oh, shit.
We got a smokey on our tail.
Watch this.
- Officer.
- Pull it over.
We got no brakes!
No brakes!
Help us!
Yes, thank you!
Damn "no brake" gag
works every time.
Oh, no!
We really don't have any brakes!
- Quit kidding, will you?
- Hang on!
Evel Knievel...
you've got yourself
some competition.
Secret weapon.
Ready, fire!
How long we been here?
Twenty minutes.
We could have been there by now.
We're gonna be open
in five minutes, Father.
Father Putz.
Albert Schweitzer!
I want to thank you for being
so sweet and so nice...
and telling those people all about us
back in Missouri...
that we were both flashers
and sex maniacs.
Well, I just
wanted to return the favor...
that you and the chocolate monk
did for us back in Ohio.
"The chocolate monk"?
He could say that.
He could say it 'cause he's riding
around with the Goodyear blimp.
"The Goodyear blimp"?
- He can say that.
- Yeah, I can say that.
Because if I had the time...
I would take those rosary beads
and stuff'em up your nose.
- These rosary beads?
- Yeah.
My rosary beads?
You're gonna shove 'em up this nose?
Up that nose, yeah.
- He can do that.
- He can do that.
- You take a little advice?
- Sure.
Bring friends.
A lot of them.
He wants me to bring...
Blimp?
Ah. The bride and groom
Cannonballer.
I told you this honeymoon scheme
would work.
Good. Now you wear the wig,
sweetheart.
- It's hot.
- Oh, I don't know.
When I was in Egypt making
The Fly Who Bugged Me...
it was at least 180 in the shade...
not that there was much shade.
If CBS would have
had their cameras there...
we'd have made Sports Spectacular
for sure.
We just zoomed right out
over that train.
What, do you want
to try it again?
All right!
Don't you look precious,
all dressed up like that.
And wearing a wig too.
Ain't he cute?
Those guys scare me.
You just stay close to Moore.
There won't be any trouble.
He looks like Gregory Peck
in that blue flannel suit.
This is my friend Shakey.
Allow me to present myself.
I'm on Wall Street.
Maybe we can have lunch sometime.
We don't ride on Wall Street.
Nah, we don't ride on Wall Street.
- Why don't we go over and help 'em out?
- What do you mean "we"?
If we do, then that road opens up
and you're long gone.
Now, why don't you?
You're the Good Samaritan.
Besides, I'm wearing these.
Maybe you would like
to complete your ensemble.
Oh, no. There's something else
of yours that I want.
Oh, really? What's that?
Your ass!
Oh, shit.
Well, shall we join the fracas?
Step back, my dear.
I must warn you,
I'm Roger Moore.
- Who?
- Roger Moore.
We'll run in there.
Knock 'em flat out.
- Then we go. We could still win it.
- We can do that.
- We can do that. Yeah.
- We can do that.
You'll be sorry!
Let me down!
Take that!
You're so macho.
Watch this.
Need some help, Father?
Give me somebody!
What, are you crazy, Greek?
How could you possibly change odds
in the middle of things?
Hold it. You wouldn't last five minutes
in the New York subway.
That's the way it's done.
- Is that good to drink?
- I don't know. I never tried it.
Hold it, hold it.
You wanna try this side?
Yeah.
Need some help?
- Will you get out of here?
- Right!
Thanks, Shakey.
Excuse me.
Get this guy, Shakey!
Excuse me, Father,
but the road's open.
Oh, thanks.
The road's open!
Bye.
Let's go! Hit it!
- Come on, come on! Faster, faster!
- I'm trying.
- Come on, faster!
- Drive it like Captain Chaos would.
I'll try.
What'd you take off
that goddamn mask for?
I didn't take off the mask.
He took off the mask.
- We need him, Victor!
- I don't know where he is.
Very interesting fellow.
I'd like to probe his case.
I don't believe this shit.
We don't want him around, he's around.
When we want him, he's not around.
I'm gonna get a beer.
It's only ten blocks to the finish.
I feel very confident
that we will be triumphant.
- What the hell was that?
- A Lamborghini.
- She in the race?
- Catch it!
Will you go faster!
Come on!
I've seen every single one of your
movies at least three or four times.
Four times?
- I think we've got it goin', baby.
- Yeah, we're looking good.
Greek's gonna pay us money!
Gosh! Wait'll I tell my friends...
I was sitting
next to George Hamilton!
George Hamilton?
- We got 'em!
- We got 'em!
Look out!
It's a foot race!
- I've got the card...
- No, give me that, Doc.
Come on!
It's a foot race!
Have no fear!
Chaos is here!
Take it and win, Captain!
Anyone need medical attention?
Go! Go, Chaos!
We're gonna win!
It's not a sporting way to win.
What do you say, Father?
No, it's not a sporting way,
it's a shitty way to win.
We won!
We're gonna win!
Help! Help! Somebody save my baby!
He's drowning!
No problem, fair lady.
I will save your baby.
Have no fear!
Oh, my baby, my baby.
Thank you.
You're such a brave man.
You don't know
what this means to me.
Oh, my baby, I love you.
J. J., I saved that woman's dog.
Victor, we could have won
that race.
You understand what I'm telling you?
We could have won!
You understand that?
You had to go
pull that stupid stunt.
He's right, Victor.
We are sick of Captain Chaos.
We are so sick of Captain Chaos
we could throw up.
So you know what, Victor?
There's not gonna be any more
Captain Chaos.
No more!
You see what I'm telling you?
No more Captain Chaos!
Now, what do you think of that?
I don't care, because...
I've always wanted to be...
Captain USA!
It's a dirty job,
but somebody's got to do it.
- Who won the race?
- What do you get for last?
How do you all feel, now that
you have raped the American highways?
- Beautiful. Wonderful.
- Great.
Old chap, I suggest
you get a grip on yourself...
or better, on one of these.
I'll take anything.
And feel free to use the lighter
in my car, Mr...
Foyt.
You wait till he touches
that lighter.
Ain't nothin' happening.
That's funny.
Excuse me.
Mr. Foyt,
how did you light that?
Well, with the lighter,
of course.
That's odd.
I've got a feeling
next year we'll do this again.
J. J., didn't we do good?
- Stop it.
- Ready?
- Stop it!
- Okay. Okay.
Wait a minute. I got something.
No, this will help.
I'm not gonna hit you.
Listen to me. I swear to God.
I'm not gonna hit you. Watch. Watch.
Okay, I'm ready now.
Here we go.
Look at that shit.
I'm ready, I'm ready.
I swear to God, I'm ready.
We're off.
Where's he gonna sit?
I warned you not to interfere
in my affairs.
Steven, put away. Seymour. Excuse me.
That's all right.
I'll answer to anything.
You see, even in the deepest
family relations...
My business is not worth a...
Thank you, Victor.
As you probably know, we're...
we're the favorites to...
be the winning racers tomorrow...
in the Cannonball...
Race, which is gonna be poured...
Good evening, ladies.
- Evening.
- Hello.
My name is j.j. McClure,
and this is my...
Next year we're going for the...
Yes?
Perfect. Perfect.
Better than...
We have to get this woman...
the senator's wife...
to Philadelphia by...
Make that California, will you?
We're very close.
Because if I had enough time...
I would take those rosary bleeds...
and stuff'em up your nose.
- These bleeds?
- Those bleeds, yeah.
You're gonna take these...
- and shove 'em up my nose?
- I'd take these bleeds here...
I don't care...
- I don't care...
- Stop laughing!
I don't care, because...
You're gonna get slapped.
I always wanted to be...
Captain America!
It's a living.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
He laughed... He laughed first.
Mr. Martin laughed first.
Why were you laughing?
He laughed and you hit me!
when there are no words
Feel it
Feel a song
that's never been heard
Sing it
How do you know
when you hear the call
Answer
What do you do
when you've done it all
Ball
THE CANNONBALL RUN
Cannonball
It's not what you do
it's how you do it
Be anything you want to be
It's not what you got
it's how you use it
You be you and I'll be me
It's just a matter of style
You can't fake it
Mile after mile, feeling free
If you've got the soul
You can make it
Move 'em out, let 'em roll
From sea to shining sea
Ball
Cannonball
What do you do
when the mountain is there
Move it
How do you answer
the challenging dare
Take it
When your back's against the wall
Feel it
What do you do
when you've done it all
Cannonball
It's not what you do
it's how you do it
Be anything you want to be
It's not what you've got
it's how you use it
You be you and I'll be me
It's just a matter of style
You can't fake it
Mile after mile, feeling free
If you've got the soul
You can make it
Move 'em out
Let 'em roll
From sea to shining sea
Ball
Headquarters, we are still
in pursuit of the black Lamborghini.
Car 42, you've been in pursuit
for two hours.
Another five minutes,
and you'll be in Arizona.
Yeah, and we're gonna stay in pursuit
until we catch him.
It didn't take us that long
to catch Dillinger.
Hi, guys.
- You're two hours late.
- I'm sorry.
Where the hell you been?
I'm sorry.
Fuel-injection system...
It's driving me crazy.
I'm really sorry I'm late, but one
of my hamsters had an anxiety attack.
I couldn't leave him
until he was settled down.
He was acting so crazy.
He ate a piece of tail.
And Henrietta wasn't even
bothering him.
Then he ate his treadmill.
They got vets for that.
We got other things to worry about.
Hamsters are a big responsibility.
Let me paint you a mental picture,
all right, Victor?
I want you to think of your hamsters
as a little army...
marching along on a treadmill...
running their little legs off,
running as fast as they can...
making that engine just
purr right along the road.
Oh,j.j. What a wonderful way
to put it.
Wouldn't it be great if we could share
winning the Cannonball with them?
That would be a real team effort...
you, me, the hamsters and him.
Don't start with him.
I don't want to talk about him.
- If you need any help...
- I don't want to talk about him.
- Sir james!
- Oh, my God. You again?
Fenderbaum, do me a favor.
You're drawing flies.
Get the hell out of here.
Wait a minute, Greek.
Only thing I want to know is...
how are you figuring the odds
on this Cannonball cockamamie?
It takes brilliance
and years of hard work...
and you wouldn't understand
any part of that.
Do me a favor.
A race is a race, right?
The only thing you gotta do
in the Cannonball is drive steady...
stay out of trouble
and have a good cover.
Do you know what that is?
You want to talk
or do you want to bet?
Anti- radar paint,
turbocharged,j.j.
Nobody can stop us now.
Nobody.
What are you, some kind of nut?
Who do you think you are?
I am Captain Chaos.
And this...
This is my faithful companion, Cato.
Say hello, Cato.
Been a cop long?
Funny!
You wanna talk or you wanna bet?
- You got 50 to 1.
- And you know what you got?
You got yourself a bet.
Twenty big large ones.
That's a million dollars.
If you win.
I don't know if you know my partner.
Jamie, you remember jimmy the Greek.
Jamie Blake.
You used to drive
that Formula One...
when high- button shoes
were in style.
Let me tell you something, Greek.
We got a secret weapon.
- God is our copilot.
- You'll need him.
"God is our copilot"?
- Remember our car?
- Yeah.
- Two seats?
- Two seats.
Where's he gonna sit?
Where?
Listen to me, El Porko.
We're not in the Indianapolis 500.
We can't have a car with numbers on it.
- We have to camouflage the car somehow.
- Like what,j.j.?
How about a limousine
with diplomatic plates?
I know. A bloodmobile.
They'd never stop
a bloodmobile, would they?
Ice cream truck!
An ice cream truck!
You know. They got to get there
before it melts.
Terrific.
- We're out of beer, Victor.
- Sorry.
Take it easy! You're acting crazy
since this Cannonball thing!
I'm gonna pull in here
and get some beer, all right?
How about an armored personnel carrier?
They wouldn't stop that, would they?
Hey, don't bother to park.
I'll be right out.
Thank you.
We could get a black Trans Am.
No, that's been done.
Hello, Mother.
I trust you've had a pleasant day.
A nightmare.
A living nightmare.
You are killing me, Seymour...
killing me a slow death
with this idiot spy business.
- Mother, you don't understand.
- What is there to understand?
I'm looking at my son,
Seymour Goldfarb,jr...
son of Seymour Goldfarb,
God rest his soul...
and heir to the Goldfarb Girdles
fortune.
And what is he doing?
Walking around, acting...
like he was some goy movie star
named Roger Moore.
And for this I sent you
to the best schools?
For this I'm spending 8,000
on orthodontia work?
For this I'm going broke
paying that Beverly Hills analyst?
And now...
this.
The sleep-in maid found it
under your pillow this morning.
What is the meaning of this?
The meaning, Mother dear,
is a quick death.
I warned you not to interfere
in my affairs.
Seymour, put that away.
It's liable to go off.
I'm terribly sorry, Mother...
but you know too much.
You see, in my business...
even the deepest family relationships
aren't worth a farthing.
Farthing, schmarthing.
Zie gezunt, Mama.
Where did I go wrong?
You know something, Mama?
You're too jewish.
Of course, we could always go
with a nice, plain- jane Chevy...
with a truckload
of Sidewinder missiles.
J. J., maybe you should slow this down
just a little bit.
- I can't hear you.
- I said, you're making waves.
- You're bothering the people.
- What the hell does going too fast...
got to do with being
in the Cannonball?
J. J., you're making very big waves.
How are ya?
You guys are lucky.
You tore the heck out of that boat.
- You all right, Victor?
- Oh, I'm fine,j.j.
It only hurts when I point.
You know, maybe
it would've been better...
if you didn't pay
so much attention to those girls.
- Nobody's perfect.
- That's true.
Nobody's perfect...
but him.
Sorry.
How far is it
to the hospital?
- About ten miles.
- Oh, yeah?
How long will it take us
to get there?
About four or five minutes.
You can smoke through traffic like
shot through a gun in this thing.
Camel.
Not the Camel, schmuck. Winston.
Starting tomorrow, you and George
will be riding in the car with me.
Yes, sir.
How goes your driving, my brother?
Allah be praised, dear sister.
My speed is rivaled only by
the lightning bolts from the heavens.
And I suppose you still intend
to go through that race...
with the infidel Americans.
Cannonball will fall...
to the forces of Islam!
My dear sister, I pledge it!
Drink! Drink!
- The car will be there, correct?
- Yes, Mr. Compton.
Don't forget to cancel
the board meeting on Monday.
I'm going to spend a week
in Spain at the castle.
- Yes, Mr. Compton.
- I want you to find an old friend...
a Mr. Shakey Finch.
He is the finest long- distance
motorcycle rider in this nation.
- You got it?
- Yes, Mr. Compton.
Mr. Compton, the board has asked me
to express their concern one more time.
- Please reconsider.
- Not possible, Arthur.
The board will have to permit me
this one indulgence...
to my ego.
I've gotta be free
I've gotta be me
To live
Got to be free
- Boy, ain't he something?
- Are you kidding?
That is the dumbest thing I've seen
since that dimwit...
tried to jump the Grand Canyon.
He's still on our ass.
I don't think...
I don't think...
I don't think he's a brother either.
Don't you worry, son.
I'm gonna lose him up here at the motel.
Hey, I remember.
There's a spot...
There's a spot right in back...
and it's a perfect spot to hide.
All right. Wonderful, wonderful.
- Take... Take...
- Left.
Oh, hell. Take a left.
I can't see shit, can you?
No problem, son.
No problem.
What was that?
That's... That's... That's...
perfect.
That's better than hiding...
- That's better than hiding it out back.
- I know.
But the only problem
we got now...
is we have to go and retune it.
All right?
Let's go get a beer first.
Yeah, let's go get... Let's... Beer.
I'd like to thank Mona Carson
of Westport...
for that wonderful combination
of hemp sandwiches...
and wood chip consomme.
And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for.
This is a titty turn...
terrific turnout for the meeting.
- Yes, terrific.
- He led the campaign...
to ban the use of electric toothbrushes
during peak load hours.
I suppose you...
came here to hear me speak.
No, not really.
I'm into trees.
Trees.
Friends of Nature love trees,
you know...
so I come to the meetings.
That's very interesting.
I love anybody who loves trees.
They happen to be
a great passion of mine.
You know what I like
best about trees?
- No, what?
- That you can lie under them...
on a moonlit night
with the breeze blowing...
ball your brains out.
Mr. Arthur j. Foyt.
Mr. Foyt.
Give that sucker some juice.
The only thing hiding it...
hiding it... hiding it in the pool...
did was make it pretty.
It ain't running worth a shit.
And it's wet!
I know that. Just hit it
one more time, all right?
Hold it! Hold it!
I know what's wrong.
Don't think for a minute...
that we in Washington...
don't appreciate your Mothers' March...
to ban the sale
of colored toilet paper...
to help reduce irritation...
of the rectum.
But today...
I want to direct my remarks...
to an old...
and familiar enemy...
the automobile.
One more time.
Let me hear it.
It reminds me of a poem...
I wrote.
"The automobile, the automobile..."
Are you all right?
They picked on the wrong one
this time!
I guarantee
they're gonna pay for this...
because when the going gets tough,
the tough get going.
She's running good now, buddy.
I still think
we ought to paint it.
If we're gonna paint it, let's go ahead
and Midasize it, all right?
There's the motel.
The Cannonballers have the parking lot
all jammed up.
Man, I can't handle this traffic.
Hold on to your lunch pail.
This may get a little weird.
Wait a minute.
Slow down!
You the one running this flea bag?
- Where are the hookers?
- What?
Hookers, man.
Where are the hookers?
Excuse me.
- Hello, Mad Dog.
- Hey,j.j.
You probably didn't realize this,
but the parking lot's outside.
Yeah, I know.
Brakes went out.
- You think you're the president?
- Well...
let me make one thing
perfectly clear.
We feel terrible about it.
And if they can't take a joke...
Thank goodness. We just had
a terrible accident.
We'd like to help you,
but we're off duty.
This man looks bad.
Maybe he's dead.
Then you should call the coroner.
J. J., he don't look too good.
- I think he just had his bell rung.
- Can't you do something?
You're professionals.
This is our day off.
Will you guys do something?
This man's life is hanging by a thread.
You have to be scientific. It could go
up the nostrils, affect the sinuses.
That's true.
There.
Don't bother about the bill.
Just give him
a couple of enemas...
and call me in the morning.
- Hi. How's it going?
- Perfect.
We'd like two singles.
J.j. McClure, Victor Prinzim.
I'll be in the bar.
I always like a couple drinks
right after surgery.
I wonder why that guy
parked his truck in the lobby.
Only in America.
Get me 12 suites.
- Better yet, the entire floor.
- Yes, sir.
Too much couscous.
I would sure as H
like to get my hands...
on those Hell's Angels
who were driving that truck.
But you know, it's probably
just as well...
because I am a wild bull
when I lose my temper.
I love wild bulls.
It's really funny that you should...
Oh, my God. It's them.
- "Them" who?
- Those Hell's Angels.
They could be part
of a terrorist group.
I don't know.
This place is filling up...
with some real hoodlums.
Do you see anything weird back there?
I'm gonna find out.
I don't understand why it's
so difficult for you to find a doctor.
It's very, very hard. It's not easy
finding a doctor to take off like that.
- Dr. Gay doesn't even leave his house.
- You don't understand.
If you're going to win and you're
driving an ambulance, you need a doctor.
- What does Dr. Gay do?
- He's my shrink.
- He was committed yesterday.
- Why?
He was smoking bananas.
He gets very upset
when he talks to him.
So do I.
Sorry.
I don't want fruit in my drink.
Congratulations.
Here's to you.
Good luck.
You dumb shits.
They haven't got a chance.
You know what?
I think I'm gonna call the Greek
and put another 10,000 on us.
What about those two?
Maybe one of those beauties
could be our patient.
Both of them could be.
I could be very patient
with those patients.
They're very lick...
very likeable.
Tell you what. Let's go over there
and talk to them.
- Okay.
- I'll do all the talking.
You just think about the doctor.
- Good evening, ladies.
- Hello.
My name is j.j. McClure, and this is
Victor Prinzim, my executive assistant.
- Hi.
- I'll do the talking, Victor.
Terrorists, my dimpled ass.
These people make terrorists look like
the Sisters of Charity.
These guys are Cannonballers.
What is that, a bowling team?
As you probably know, we're
the favorites to win the Cannonball...
and I was wondering if one of you
or both of you...
might like to ride
in the winning vehicle.
That would be very exciting.
Exciting.
But we're Cannonballers ourselves,
thank you.
They're Cannonballers.
As for the winning vehicle...
we'll just have to wait and see.
You haven't seen our equipment.
Equipment?
Don't tell me your name.
Let me guess.
I'll just call you Beauty, okay?
That's nice.
Thank you.
Sit down.
Are you one of those volleyballers?
Cannonballers. No.
Why are you dressed like that?
Humanitarian reasons.
I'm a wealthy philanthropist.
Me and my partner ride around
in an ambulance...
Iooking for accidents,
trying to help people.
I don't think we were put
on this earth to hurt people.
I think we were put
on this earth to...
help people.
- That's beautiful.
- Thank you.
You must be a sensitive person.
I try to be.
I bet you're a fan of Rod McKuen.
I listen to him every night.
I'm into trees.
Have you ever heard of joyce Kilmer?
She wrote a terrific poem
about a tree.
He.
Who?
- He.
- He's a she?
She's a he.
Well, he wrote a really terrific
poem about a tree.
- You know what I like best about trees?
- No, what?
That you can lie under them
on a moonlit night...
the leaves gently
blowing in the trees...
Sorry.
It's all right.
What were you saying about trees?
I was saying,
what I like best about trees...
is that, on a moonlit night
you can lie under them...
with the leaves gently blowing...
Hey,j. J., you'll never believe
what just happened to him.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- He had the most wonderful time...
I don't want to talk about him.
Victor, Beauty. Beauty, Victor.
- Hello, Victor.
- You really are.
- Do you want to hear about the doc?
- He's telling me about the doctor.
- Oh, it's about the doctor.
- It's really important.
- We need a doc for the ambulance.
- It'll keep.
I'll leave you two alone.
- But listen, I think you should hear...
- It'll keep!
- It's really important.
- I want to talk to her.
Who?
Now do you want to hear
about the doc?
- No!
- It'll keep.
Hey, Brad, old buddy!
How the hell are you?
My God, it is you.
Hello, Shakey!
Shakey, it's kind of tough
to get close to you.
Last time I saw you,
you were a bit more svelte.
Yeah, well, what can I tell you?
In the pizza business, when it's slow...
you tend to eat the inventory.
But that's not good for the Cannonball.
You know that.
You don't need a motorcycle.
You need the Super Chief.
Even with the extra tonnage,
I'm still the best there is.
Yeah? Well, I'll tell you what.
I got a throttle that's been sticking.
Why don't you fix that?
Boss, this is the biggest coup...
in the history
of the safety enforcement unit.
We're gonna blow this
Cannonball thing wide open...
and then we're gonna hit congress
for a real budget...
that will allow us to play
some real hardball.
I mean, this is
our Three Mile Island...
and Love Canal combined.
- What's wrong?
- Look at the chicks.
- What is it?
- Look at the chicks!
If we were Methodists...
what a shot we could have had
of getting laid right here.
Listen, I want to get up there.
I don't want to miss a thing.
All right. There you go.
Just as good as new. Give her a try.
- That's it?
- That's it.
All right.
We'll see.
Hey, I don't think it's the throttle.
I think it's the clutch!
Good-bye.
Look out!
Hey, watch out!
Watch out!
Coming through!
What in the hell was that?
That must be the entry
of the National Safety Council.
Good day.
I am here to participate
in your little jaunt to California.
Well, of course.
If you would sign in here, please.
Hold still, Petey.
Say cheese.
I realize the novelty
of a major celebrity...
entering your little race...
but kindly resist the temptation and
keep the media coverage to a minimum.
- Thank you.
- Will you hurry the hell up?
Hurry up!
Man does not live
on... on bread alone.
What concerns me is, do we have
enough ice for all this beer?
Plenty.
Yeah, well, how about food, son.
Did you bring enough food?
Plenty.
Will you get serious?
Give me the rest of that beer.
Excuse me, good sisters,
if you will.
Father, we do have a race to run,
and we're running a little late.
So will you come on?
Will you excuse him, good sisters?
- Bye- bye.
- Don't run off. Tonight's the night.
I'd like to welcome you all...
to an event that's sometimes been
called the automotive counterpart...
to the Bay of Pigs.
You all are certainly
the most distinguished group...
of highway scofflaws and degenerates...
ever gathered together
in one place.
We're gonna have fun.
Of course you know certain skeptics
note that perhaps 10,000...
of the nation's most elite
highway patrolmen...
are out there waiting for us after
we start, but let's think positively.
Think of the fact that there is
not one state in the 50...
that has the death penalty
for speeding.
Although I'm not sure about Ohio.
Everybody is gonna get
a card like this.
When you leave, you're gonna
punch out here at this time clock.
Three thousand miles away from here...
is another time clock just like that
at the Portofino Inn.
The difference between the two times
is your time across the country.
The record stands
at 32 hours and 51 minutes.
Believe it or not, those guys did
break the 55 mile an hour speed limit.
Let's get that first car up here.
We're gonna get this thing underway.
Go!
- I know.
- All right. Where's the doctor?
- I got everything else.
- Where's the doctor?
- I got 60 gallons of gas...
- Can you read my lips?
- Where is the doctor?
- The auxiliary tanks...
Goddamn it, I gave you one
responsibility... to get a doctor.
You give me no doctor.
Where is he?
He got sick.
Listen to what I'm telling you.
You go find a doctor.
Get me Dr. Kildare.
Get me Dr. Livingston.
Get me Dr. Frankenstein.
Just get me a doctor.
- Go where the doctors hang out.
- Where is that?
Bars, golf courses.
Golf course, bar. All right.
Where else? Hospital!
Try that too.
My jet will take you to California.
It's time for you to punch out.
I'll see you in California!
I love you!
A toast to us, you and me.
- We're gonna win the whole thing.
- It's a cinch.
The more I look around
and see these turkeys...
I have...
While you're drinking,
that truck to the left...
Isn't that j.j. McClure?
He's nothing.
Don't worry about him.
It's the blimp next to him. The blimp.
When he puts on that mask,
he'll blow your goddamn doors off.
You understand that?
The blimp!
Was that weird?
It's a Nevada license plate...
and that's...
whiskey, zebra, alpha...
niner, fiver, zero.
- You got that?
- What?
Just write W-Z-A...
No, here.
Will you let me do it?
W-Z-A-9-5-0.
See? Whiskey, zebra, alpha,
niner, fiver, zero.
Okay, so it's Interstate 80
through Pennsylvania.
Oh, that's a good looking piece.
And cunningly disguised
so it won't look like a racing car.
You know, the cops would never
give that a second glance.
Two hundred and twenty miles an hour,
and they won't get a second glance.
Hey, when we get to California...
I got a place out at Palos Verdes...
You boys gonna start this thing or just
sit and wait for that paint to dry?
Yes, sir.
- How long till we stop?
- Eight hours.
Damn, I gotta go to the john.
Go.
Mad Dog, you are gonna take the shortcut
to the interstate, aren't you?
We're here to win, ain't we?
If you're gonna be a bear,
be a grizzly.
My God, Pamela.
Did you see that?
They drove right through those trees.
I love trees. Did I tell you...
We are going right down there and bring
this thing to a screeching halt...
right now.
Buckle up.
We're going into action.
Would you mind?
- Very civil.
- Might be easier with your lights on.
Why advertise?
- Wait a minute, Father.
- What?
That's a no-no. Haven't you heard? They
haven't allowed that for 2,000 years.
No, look. I'm a liberal wing.
Way out on the other
part of the church.
- It's nothing at all.
- Keep flying, Father.
How about just one of you?
Who says cops won't stop honeymooners?
Anyhow, why do I
have to be the bride?
Shut up, sweetie,
and punch the clock.
- Okay, go slow until I get my wig on.
- Yes, dear.
Well, old pal of mine,
are we all set for California?
- Next time, Methodist. Methodist!
- All right, pal of mine.
Okay, okay. You're all right.
Okay, now, who's driving?
- You are.
- You're driving.
- I can't drive.
- Then I'm driving.
Yeah, I think you are.
All right.
Put me down.
You hold this.
I'll get in the car.
- Come on.
- I'm coming.
Somebody's hat!
Hold my drink.
Hit it!
Thank you, good sisters.
May the good Lord take a liking to you,
but not too soon.
Bless you, my children.
Those guys are more juiced up
than that Ferrari.
- J. J., wait. I got the doc.
- Terrific.
No, wait.
He's in the ambulance. This way.
Before I open this,
don't get your hopes up too high.
- I was pressed for time.
- No problem.
Holy shit!
I'm honored, sir.
I'm Doctor Nicholas...
Nickolas Van Helsing,
professor of proctology...
and other related tendencies.
Graduate of the University
of Rangoon...
and assorted night classes...
at the Knoxville, Tennessee,
College of Faith Healing.
You may be a little
overqualified for this job.
You got your equipment with you?
I never go anywhere without it.
However, in my particular line of work,
I seldom need more than this.
Or this.
We'll talk about this later.
Now, sir, before we commence
this odyssey...
which I understand will carry us
across this grand nation...
from sea to shining sea...
there's the matter of my compensation.
I've determined that my services
will require...
the payment of $2,000.
I was thinking more
along the lines of $200.
Fortunately...
my practice allows me
a certain flexibility.
After checking my schedule, I find
I'll be able to make the journey.
As far as the money's concerned,
you've got a deal.
We're off!
Here we go.
Three thousand carefree,
madcap miles to California.
California, here we come
Right back where we started from
Thanks to you, Victor, we do not have
a female patient in the back...
thanks to your wonderful Cousin Tessie.
It's not my fault
that she didn't fit in the stretcher.
Doesn't fit in the ambulance.
I got the doc here, didn't I?
Don't ever tell me where you got him.
I don't want to know where you got him.
I was just surprised
that all the animals there were...
I don't want to know
where you got him!
Hey, maybe I could be the patient.
That's a good idea.
Everybody would believe you were sick.
- Don't you believe he's sick?
- Want me to examine him?
Him doesn't like it
when you say bad things about me.
And you know that.
Thanks to you, though,
we don't have a female patient.
And we've got to find a female...
Damn Cannonballers.
I'm so happy you're here.
- Can you help me with Mr...
- Foyt.
- Foyt.
- Sure. That's what I'm here for.
Mr. Foyt. Go around and get in
the emergency entrance.
Come on right here.
There we go. Hit it!
Wait, I'm not...
This is really terrific...
the way you guys go around
helping people.
Next year we're going
for the Nobel Prize.
That's where the big bucks are.
You forgot Mr... Mr...
Well, we got you.
We're batting.500. Nobody's perfect.
Well, I think you have to go back
and pick him up.
We'd really like to,
but we're on kind a tight schedule.
We're on our way to California.
You'd be amazed how many
sick people there are out there.
They need our help.
We could pick him up on the way back.
Victor, can you help me?
No, I can't.
I can't do anything.
But he can.
Who can?
Him.
Excuse me.
Doctor...
My God, the perfect specimen.
J. J., you want me to start
the examination right away?
I'm gonna like this job.
Right here, honey.
No, thank you.
Not right now.
Of course, man.
This took 30 years.
They won't be able to see us...
the son of a guns.
I'm really sorry about that...
little lapse, Officer.
Normally I drive
right around the speed limit.
We all make mistakes, miss, but 160?
That's a little more than a lapse.
What the hell is going on here?
Everybody's driving like maniacs.
I don't know, Officer.
Let me see
your driver's license, please.
What the hell. I can't penalize
nice girls like you...
for a little indiscretion...
with the whole road packed with
speed-crazy lunatics.
Here. You girls have a nice trip.
- Drive carefully and take it easy.
- Thank you.
- Come back and see us next year.
- Bye.
Take care.
Keep it in the road.
I don't know why you're pouting.
I mean, look. We're taking
a nice, leisurely trip to California.
And we're picking up all the bills.
This could be fun.
I can't believe
this is happening to me.
This is not a joke anymore.
I'm being kidnapped.
You can call it kidnapping
if you want to be rude.
Just think. We have
a professional physician on board...
in case somebody gets swamp fever.
You guys are strange.
We got company.
Yeah, I hear.
Okay, Beauty, you lie down
and be a patient for the police.
- Come on. Why?
- Don't!
I'm not gonna help you.
You didn't even help Mr...
Maybe I can help.
Dear God!
It's all right, miss. It doesn't hurt.
Give it to myself all the time.
Yeah. He gives it to himself
all the time.
Show her.
Come on, Doc.
Show her.
Show her.
There. You see?
That didn't hurt.
- J.j.?
- No, thanks.
Hi, guys. What's up?
What's up?
You guys are running at 120.
Your lights are flashing all over.
- We've got a patient in there.
- You were still speeding.
She's very sick.
There's not a hospital within 50 miles.
Where are you headed?
- UCLA.
- UCLA?
- UCLA Medical Center.
- L.A.
California?
This is going to sound like a dumb
question, but if she's that sick...
why didn't you fly her?
Why didn't we fly her?
I'm just the driver.
We have to ask the doc.
That's a good idea.
Why don't we ask the doc?
I'm sorry.
What's going on out here?
What is this crude interruption?
The patient... Why can't she
be flown to California?
Cysts on the walls of her lungs.
Very rare.
You see, airplanes are only
pressurized at 10,000 feet.
Anybody who knows anything
about medicine knows...
that she can't fly,
she has to be driven.
We couldn't even go through Denver,
it's so high.
Tell them to go back
and pick up Mr...
- Is that lady all right?
- She's in great pain.
Causes her to make
certain delirious deliriums.
Sounds like she's on something to me.
Let me explain something to you.
We have to get the senator's wife...
to California in 72 hours.
You understand what I'm saying?
We have to get the senator's wife...
to California in 72 hours.
We're very close.
As long as you're in New jersey,
I want you fellows to take it easy.
- You got that?
- We sure do.
- Thanks a lot.
- Get this rig out of here.
I'm glad there's no cupcakes
like that in New jersey.
You haven't met
my brother-in- law Ralph.
I thought that cop was gonna have
a cardiac arrest...
when we said we were going
to California.
Wasn't Beauty terrific?
The lady was splendid.
She should have her picture
on the cover of the AMAJournal.
I'm sure that doctor's
a very sweet man, basically.
Ah, thanks.
But don't you ever tell me
where you found him.
Ever.
It's the Cannonball.
It's the damn Cannonball for sure.
They blasted away
right in front of my eyes.
And they kidnapped a girl
named Pamela Glover...
just like it was the goddamn
Red Brigade or something.
No, I've got them.
This time I've got them.
Ohio? Yes.
Ohio has been notified.
Ohio has been notified.
And Missouri.
And California.
We'll get them, and I'm gonna
be there to handle it.
You can count on it.
I've got two minutes
to catch my flight.
Bye.
- Madam. Madam.
- Madam?
I'm no madam.
I'm a decent, respectable woman.
I don't even own a house.
I live in an apartment.
Now get off my case.
I'm late for my plane.
- After my career in the RAF...
- The what?
The Royal Air Force.
- Do you mind if I have a cigarette?
- Please, go ahead. They're your lungs.
Well, I had a chestful of citations...
medals, that sort of thing...
and then I drifted in playing
a rather popular...
Not that one, darling, please.
We don't want you leaving so shortly
after the trip has begun, do we?
No, of course not.
Then I drifted into playing...
a rather popular character
on a television series.
It's still in syndication, you know.
Puff away.
Thanks a lot, ladies.
But I would take it a little easier.
Some of the officers up the road
might not be as understanding.
Thank you so much, Officer.
We really do appreciate that warning.
And if you're ever in Duluth...
remember to look me up.
I got the number.
You can count on it.
How's the patient?
She's alive.
Looks like she survived the procedure.
What procedure?
If you guys laid a finger on me...
No, I just gave her a little prick.
With this.
Hey, Super Chief, will you lean forward
so I can get the front wheel down?
Stop kidding. I am.
Pull over!
We want to give you our blessings.
There are two priests
in that car over there.
They want us to pull over.
They're two priests
driving a Ferrari.
When's the last time you saw
two priests driving a Ferrari?
Are they taking the bingo money home?
Oh, no, they're doing
the work of the Lord.
In a Ferrari, they can just
do it faster, that's all.
Pull over!
We want to bless you!
One of the priests is black.
- Oh, yeah. They have black priests.
- They do?
Oh, sure.
They have a black cardinal.
Oh, they do want us to pull over.
They want to bless us.
Can we?
Let me get this straight.
You want us to pull over
and be blessed...
by a black priest in a red Ferrari?
Couldn't hurt.
- Nice car, Father.
- Thank you, asshole.
Hello, Father.
Nice-looking car.
That's what everyone says.
He even said it.
I want to thank you
for stopping, son...
'cause we always stop the ambulance...
so we can bless
whoever's in there...
and you paramedics are doing
such a wonderful job.
We're in kind of a hurry,
so just bless it and we can go.
- Oh, I gotta bless her.
- I'm sorry, Father.
She's a Zen Buddhist.
You're not a Zen Buddhist,
so you can't bless her.
We specialize in blessing Zen Buddhists.
On second thought, Father,
you want to bless him?
We need all the help we can get.
Just give him a little shot.
Thank you, Father.
- You're quite welcome.
- You did a good job.
Thank you.
Thank you, Father.
Why don't you take that piece of shit
back to the junkyard?
- We got a...
- Flat.
- And those priests...
- Weren't fathers.
- They were...
- Mothers.
Come here.
Ah, shit!
International film star...
ruthless assassin...
Casanova, poet, philosopher...
You might say a legend in my own time...
in fact, you can.
Not that one, darling. I'm afraid
this car is full of surprises.
This is something I've noticed,
I must say.
How about some champagne,
darling?
Hey, little silver four-wheeler...
that just flew past me
with the good-looking seat cover.
Son, back that thing down.
You got smokies all over my back door.
If you are referring to me...
I request that you speak more clearly
in the queen's English.
That is, if we are going to converse
on this wireless.
Bless your heart.
Cheers.
Down the hatch.
What do you think you're doing?
You can't come in here.
You're a man.
- 7-Eleven. How can I help you?
- Pumps one and two... hit 'em.
What are you, some kind of nut?
You got one unleaded and one premium.
She goes both ways.
The round orange moon pie with
the white hat on... he'll pay for it.
I'm a doctor, and if I may be
permitted the indelicacy...
you seen one,
you've seen 'em all.
Come on.
A thousand miles on one wheel?
We're trying to win a race,
not set a record.
- Victor, what do you got?
- A lot of goodies for you guys...
and a Big Gulp Dr Pepper for me.
I'm a pepper, you're a pepper
He's a pepper, she's a pepper
Wouldn't you like to be
a pepper too
- Will you get in here.
- Okay. Here you go.
Officer!
Do you take your law and order
in this town seriously?
Are you kidding?
Excuse me for asking.
Greek! But...
Would you shut up a minute
and listen to me?
Oh, by the way, Greek.
What's the odds on the japanese team
not finishing?
There's gonna be a red Ferrari come
flying through here in a few seconds...
and the two men driving
are responsible for the victim...
lying back here
in this ambulance.
- Victim?
- A flasher victim.
- You want to know the worst part?
- What's that?
- They're dressed as priests.
- Go on.
I guess they think it's a little
kinkier, you know, dressed as priests.
Goddamn, that's sick.
I'll handle this.
Oh... one more thing.
I think they're armed.
Damn, I hope so.
It'll give me an excuse.
Flashers!
Bye- bye!
J. J., you son of a...
Out of the car,
both of you. Now!
All right, hit it.
- Hit it?
- Hit it?
Freeze, or name your beneficiary.
Beneficiary?
Officer, I sincerely hope...
- you're not a Catholic.
- Pay no attention to him.
He's been locked up for six years
in that monastery...
and he don't know what he's doing.
I don't think both of his paddles
are in the water.
Six years is gonna seem like
a summer vacation...
when the state of Missouri
gets through with you.
You, shorty.
Where'd you get all that jewelry?
- Why'd he call me shorty?
- 'Cause you're small. Small.
S-M-ALL.
I suggest you take
another route, good buddy.
The smokies are getting traffic
all tied up on 40...
Iooking for them Cannonballers.
That's a big ten-four.
- Hey,j.j.
- Yeah?
There's a lot of talk on the CB
about the roadblock ahead.
What do you think?
I think we're in deep you- know-what.
The transmission is slipping.
And we lost a lot of time
because of your two phony priests.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Listen, if the transmission
does hold together...
you think we're gonna be able to bluff
our way through the roadblock ahead?
I don't know.
Give me a minute
to gather my thoughts.
I gathered my thoughts.
Hey, Lowboy!
Look in your rearview mirror.
You see this ambulance back here?
We need a piggyback ride.
This one can go by.
There's no problem here.
Let's just have this one and...
that one.
Yeah, that one's okay.
Let it go.
Excuse me, but you look very familiar.
Do I know you?
Yes, that's quite possible.
Is this going to take long?
You see, we're on our honeymoon,
and she can't wait.
Oh, thank God.
Normal people!
No, you see, we were just
looking for Cannon...
It's not important.
Just move along, if you would.
- What is this, anyway?
- It's a stakeout.
Oh. Bon appetit.
English humor.
Come on, guys,
keep moving, will you, please?
Let's see...
Quiet, Victor.
You're gonna blow our cover.
J. J., this is not
a nine-to-five job.
I wish him were here.
Hi.
Hello.
You look tired.
More frustrated than tired.
Think you're gonna win
this crazy race?
Damn right I am.
I'm sitting here having a conversation
with somebody who kidnapped me.
Who can blame anybody
for kidnapping you?
You gave me laughing gas.
Well, you have
an awful beautiful laugh.
You made me forget my favorite skirt
back at the motel.
Doesn't matter.
You look terrific without it.
What'd you expect, anyway?
- A gang bang or something like that.
- A gang bang?
We're racers, not rapists.
- Why?
- Why what?
Why all this speed and trouble
and risk and...
I mean, what for?
For the hell of it.
Didn't you ever do anything
just for the hell of it?
I guess so.
My father used to work
in the coal mines.
Forty- three years.
He was gonna retire.
Buy a houseboat.
Move down to Florida.
Fish on the back of the boat
and tell my mom lies.
He died two days
before he was gonna retire.
I guess you just never know.
Yeah.
I made up my mind right then.
I was gonna go for it...
I mean, everything I wanted...
I was gonna go for it
right then...
because you never know when
something's gonna happen to you.
Like talking to you, you know?
I mean, it's really nice.
Excuse me.
Where are you guys going?
We're just out
looking for a pack of cigarettes.
With North Carolina plates...
you're driving
to Missouri for cigarettes?
How about a beer?
How about the fact
that your paint job is coming off?
You want to take these guys away?
The good guys strike back!
What is that? Five, eight, three...
Five, eight, three, six...
Hold on. Hold on.
Let it go. Come on.
Come on, guys, keep moving,
will you please?
Howdy, sir.
What seems to be the problem?
You guys didn't really think
you'd get away with this, did you?
We're gonna get
the whole lot of you now.
Not here, you won't. The word is out
about your little roadblock.
They're talking about it
all up and down the "superslab."
Get these traitors out of here,
will you?
Think you're so big.
Do some of you people want to come over
and push this thing out of the way?
Come on.
I'll put it in neutral.
Who did that?
Make it stop!
Thanks a lot!
Keep on truckin'!
Hey, George, you remember the good old
days before they got radar in?
We used to chase speeders?
Yeah. This is really boring.
Bye- bye!
- What the hell was that?
- I don't know...
but whatever the hell it was,
it was doing 125.
That's the first time
we took an order by phone.
It was hard to understand you.
When I called you,
I was doing 140 miles an hour.
That was six lamb burgers,
four shish kebabs...
a side order of couscous...
and two milk.
No! How much?
Six seventy- five.
Here, my desert blossom.
Keep the change.
Have you ever considered
joining a harem?
I shall return for you
after the race.
Get a physical.
I shall return, my little fig.
I love you!
I don't know
how to ask you this, but...
isn't it a little strange
having that guy...
running around inside your head?
He's not in here.
He's out there somewhere,
helping people.
He's always helping people.
He'd help you.
He would?
He likes you.
How did he find you?
I mean, how did you two
get together?
Well, when I was real young...
I didn't have any friends
like I do now.
Like j.j.
Like j.j.
One day I was in the schoolyard...
and nine guys were beating me up
pretty good.
There he was.
- Captain Chaos?
- Yeah. Out of the blue!
Pow! Slam! Bam! Boff!
I sure was grateful.
That's great!
Nobody bothered me at school
after that.
I wish I had a friend
like that.
Well, first you need a mask
and a cape.
I think I'd like mine
to be pink.
Almost everything I wear
is pink.
Everything?
Even...
I don't wear any.
You don't?
Wow.
I'd like to be your friend...
'cause I like you.
I like you too, Beauty.
Thank you.
New Mexico.
Texas?
Stupid!
I'll take care of this one.
Hello, hot pants.
I don't suppose
you have a driver's license...
tucked down in there somewhere,
do you?
Yes, Officer.
That policeman seems to want us
to stop, darling.
Yes. He must be rather upset
with our rapid rate.
Funny. They don't have any sense
of humor about that sort of thing.
Aren't you going to pull over?
I'd rather not.
Can be such a bore,
talking to those chaps.
Tell you what.
We'll just slip away.
- Hit that button, will you?
- Like in your movies!
And now a little oil,
right, darling?
Well, well. We are full of tricks,
aren't we?
It's all part of my business,
really.
I've been meaning to ask you, darling.
What movie... Wait a minute.
- Can you see where you're going?
- Perfectly.
This is ridiculous.
It's good sport, isn't it?
Would you mind rolling
your window down, old girl?
We're getting done up
like a couple of kippers here.
Next time, I bring my mask.
A foggy day in London town.
You are about to witness
the ravishment...
of a woman who has been abducted.
A woman whose initial fear
has mellowed into curious expectation.
In the morning, she will be set free,
unaware of anything...
except that she has been loved
as never before.
Oh, yes, there!
Yes!
I've never seen a damn Rolls Royce
that'd do 140 miles an hour.
What do you fellas got
in that thing?
- Stock.
- Sign here.
I guess you must have misconstrued
my remark...
about my mother planning to purchase
Southern California...
as an attempt to influence
your giving me a ticket, Officer.
I am sure that she will still
consider keeping you all on...
as a member of the Highway Patrol,
regardless...
of how shabbily
you treated her son.
You might want to tell that
to the judge, sir.
This is for you and the judge!
Goddamn camel jockey.
Oh, shit.
We got a smokey on our tail.
Watch this.
- Officer.
- Pull it over.
We got no brakes!
No brakes!
Help us!
Yes, thank you!
Damn "no brake" gag
works every time.
Oh, no!
We really don't have any brakes!
- Quit kidding, will you?
- Hang on!
Evel Knievel...
you've got yourself
some competition.
Secret weapon.
Ready, fire!
How long we been here?
Twenty minutes.
We could have been there by now.
We're gonna be open
in five minutes, Father.
Father Putz.
Albert Schweitzer!
I want to thank you for being
so sweet and so nice...
and telling those people all about us
back in Missouri...
that we were both flashers
and sex maniacs.
Well, I just
wanted to return the favor...
that you and the chocolate monk
did for us back in Ohio.
"The chocolate monk"?
He could say that.
He could say it 'cause he's riding
around with the Goodyear blimp.
"The Goodyear blimp"?
- He can say that.
- Yeah, I can say that.
Because if I had the time...
I would take those rosary beads
and stuff'em up your nose.
- These rosary beads?
- Yeah.
My rosary beads?
You're gonna shove 'em up this nose?
Up that nose, yeah.
- He can do that.
- He can do that.
- You take a little advice?
- Sure.
Bring friends.
A lot of them.
He wants me to bring...
Blimp?
Ah. The bride and groom
Cannonballer.
I told you this honeymoon scheme
would work.
Good. Now you wear the wig,
sweetheart.
- It's hot.
- Oh, I don't know.
When I was in Egypt making
The Fly Who Bugged Me...
it was at least 180 in the shade...
not that there was much shade.
If CBS would have
had their cameras there...
we'd have made Sports Spectacular
for sure.
We just zoomed right out
over that train.
What, do you want
to try it again?
All right!
Don't you look precious,
all dressed up like that.
And wearing a wig too.
Ain't he cute?
Those guys scare me.
You just stay close to Moore.
There won't be any trouble.
He looks like Gregory Peck
in that blue flannel suit.
This is my friend Shakey.
Allow me to present myself.
I'm on Wall Street.
Maybe we can have lunch sometime.
We don't ride on Wall Street.
Nah, we don't ride on Wall Street.
- Why don't we go over and help 'em out?
- What do you mean "we"?
If we do, then that road opens up
and you're long gone.
Now, why don't you?
You're the Good Samaritan.
Besides, I'm wearing these.
Maybe you would like
to complete your ensemble.
Oh, no. There's something else
of yours that I want.
Oh, really? What's that?
Your ass!
Oh, shit.
Well, shall we join the fracas?
Step back, my dear.
I must warn you,
I'm Roger Moore.
- Who?
- Roger Moore.
We'll run in there.
Knock 'em flat out.
- Then we go. We could still win it.
- We can do that.
- We can do that. Yeah.
- We can do that.
You'll be sorry!
Let me down!
Take that!
You're so macho.
Watch this.
Need some help, Father?
Give me somebody!
What, are you crazy, Greek?
How could you possibly change odds
in the middle of things?
Hold it. You wouldn't last five minutes
in the New York subway.
That's the way it's done.
- Is that good to drink?
- I don't know. I never tried it.
Hold it, hold it.
You wanna try this side?
Yeah.
Need some help?
- Will you get out of here?
- Right!
Thanks, Shakey.
Excuse me.
Get this guy, Shakey!
Excuse me, Father,
but the road's open.
Oh, thanks.
The road's open!
Bye.
Let's go! Hit it!
- Come on, come on! Faster, faster!
- I'm trying.
- Come on, faster!
- Drive it like Captain Chaos would.
I'll try.
What'd you take off
that goddamn mask for?
I didn't take off the mask.
He took off the mask.
- We need him, Victor!
- I don't know where he is.
Very interesting fellow.
I'd like to probe his case.
I don't believe this shit.
We don't want him around, he's around.
When we want him, he's not around.
I'm gonna get a beer.
It's only ten blocks to the finish.
I feel very confident
that we will be triumphant.
- What the hell was that?
- A Lamborghini.
- She in the race?
- Catch it!
Will you go faster!
Come on!
I've seen every single one of your
movies at least three or four times.
Four times?
- I think we've got it goin', baby.
- Yeah, we're looking good.
Greek's gonna pay us money!
Gosh! Wait'll I tell my friends...
I was sitting
next to George Hamilton!
George Hamilton?
- We got 'em!
- We got 'em!
Look out!
It's a foot race!
- I've got the card...
- No, give me that, Doc.
Come on!
It's a foot race!
Have no fear!
Chaos is here!
Take it and win, Captain!
Anyone need medical attention?
Go! Go, Chaos!
We're gonna win!
It's not a sporting way to win.
What do you say, Father?
No, it's not a sporting way,
it's a shitty way to win.
We won!
We're gonna win!
Help! Help! Somebody save my baby!
He's drowning!
No problem, fair lady.
I will save your baby.
Have no fear!
Oh, my baby, my baby.
Thank you.
You're such a brave man.
You don't know
what this means to me.
Oh, my baby, I love you.
J. J., I saved that woman's dog.
Victor, we could have won
that race.
You understand what I'm telling you?
We could have won!
You understand that?
You had to go
pull that stupid stunt.
He's right, Victor.
We are sick of Captain Chaos.
We are so sick of Captain Chaos
we could throw up.
So you know what, Victor?
There's not gonna be any more
Captain Chaos.
No more!
You see what I'm telling you?
No more Captain Chaos!
Now, what do you think of that?
I don't care, because...
I've always wanted to be...
Captain USA!
It's a dirty job,
but somebody's got to do it.
- Who won the race?
- What do you get for last?
How do you all feel, now that
you have raped the American highways?
- Beautiful. Wonderful.
- Great.
Old chap, I suggest
you get a grip on yourself...
or better, on one of these.
I'll take anything.
And feel free to use the lighter
in my car, Mr...
Foyt.
You wait till he touches
that lighter.
Ain't nothin' happening.
That's funny.
Excuse me.
Mr. Foyt,
how did you light that?
Well, with the lighter,
of course.
That's odd.
I've got a feeling
next year we'll do this again.
J. J., didn't we do good?
- Stop it.
- Ready?
- Stop it!
- Okay. Okay.
Wait a minute. I got something.
No, this will help.
I'm not gonna hit you.
Listen to me. I swear to God.
I'm not gonna hit you. Watch. Watch.
Okay, I'm ready now.
Here we go.
Look at that shit.
I'm ready, I'm ready.
I swear to God, I'm ready.
We're off.
Where's he gonna sit?
I warned you not to interfere
in my affairs.
Steven, put away. Seymour. Excuse me.
That's all right.
I'll answer to anything.
You see, even in the deepest
family relations...
My business is not worth a...
Thank you, Victor.
As you probably know, we're...
we're the favorites to...
be the winning racers tomorrow...
in the Cannonball...
Race, which is gonna be poured...
Good evening, ladies.
- Evening.
- Hello.
My name is j.j. McClure,
and this is my...
Next year we're going for the...
Yes?
Perfect. Perfect.
Better than...
We have to get this woman...
the senator's wife...
to Philadelphia by...
Make that California, will you?
We're very close.
Because if I had enough time...
I would take those rosary bleeds...
and stuff'em up your nose.
- These bleeds?
- Those bleeds, yeah.
You're gonna take these...
- and shove 'em up my nose?
- I'd take these bleeds here...
I don't care...
- I don't care...
- Stop laughing!
I don't care, because...
You're gonna get slapped.
I always wanted to be...
Captain America!
It's a living.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
He laughed... He laughed first.
Mr. Martin laughed first.
Why were you laughing?
He laughed and you hit me!