Captain Black (2019) Movie Script
1
- Mike, I need you.
- What's up?
- Some asshole on 42
wants to see the manager.
They say the food's all wrong,
I'm all wrong,
just a bunch of fucking jerks.
- Hi, can I be of help?
- Yeah, you the manager here?
- I am.
My name's Mike.
- Well Jesus, where
do I even start.
Okay, first of all,
we specifically did not order guacamole.
What do you call that?
- I'm so sorry, let me
get this out of your way.
- The beans weren't even hot.
And my wife, she ordered
Midori pineapple sour
and neither one of us
can taste the alcohol.
- You know what, I can have
the bartender make another,
or better yet, I
can make one myself.
- No, you know what.
It's too late.
Just forget it.
Okay, we'll take the check.
Thank you very much.
And I don't think that you'll be
seeing us in here any time soon.
- I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, damn right you are.
- Let me take care
of the check for you.
- Well, alright.
You should.
But what you really should do
is you should give us some
free coupons for next time.
- For next time?
- Yeah. Yeah, you want to keep
your customers happy, don't you.
- I'm sorry, you weren't
happy with your food
or your service,
so you'd like
credit for the next time?
- Yes I do.
- Let me take care
of the check for you.
- Fine.
We're leaving.
And you, Mark.
- Mike.
- Whatever, you will
not be seeing us
in your establishment again.
Thank you very much.
Awful.
Awful.
- Safe home now.
- What'd he say?
- Nothing, you were
right, total jackass.
- I told you so.
What'd you do?
- I comped him.
- Fuck man.
The fucking assholes.
- They were.
- So you just give them the--
- Order.
- You just give
them a free meal.
- They're gone, right.
- Fuck them.
- Language.
Language.
- Now they're gonna yelp my ass.
- It's okay.
- They're gonna yelp
the whole fucking place.
- You'll be fine.
- Fuck that.
- You'll survive.
- Not to mention no tip.
No fucking tip,
and that fucker is running me.
- Junior, Junior, just calm down.
Let it go.
Breathe deep.
- Coming out.
- Mike, I love you man,
but this is so lame.
- Junior, I love you man,
get back to work.
- Fuck this.
Fucking bullshit.
- Yo, Jake.
- Mike.
- Can I get a
Midori pineapple sour,
extra strong please.
- You fucking kidding me?
- Yes, I'm kidding.
- Good, cause some piece of shit just
sent one of those back a little while ago.
- I heard.
- You heard?
- Don't worry about
it, you're fine.
- Everybody I got a birthday.
- Okay, birthday.
- Yeah, it's the gay couple
with their granddaughter.
- I got to blow off some
fucking steam in here.
- Okay, table 33 follow me.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven.
Happy birthday
Ponchito
Birthday party is for you
Happy birthday
To our amigo
Happy birthday is
to you, babaloo
- Dude.
- Yeah?
- That was dope.
I grabbed the liners,
I was throwing them
all over the place.
- I know.
I caught them all.
- You caught them all?
- Every one.
- Nice.
- Man, I need new shoes.
These things are killing me.
- You need new shoes
because those stink
to high heaven
and should be incinerated.
- You think?
- Uh huh.
- Shut up.
Hey.
Hey babe.
Oh shit, that's now?
Oh yeah, yeah, I'm on my way.
Uh huh.
Hey Mike, my drop all good?
- You're all set.
- I gotta jet.
- Alright buddy.
- Bye.
- Later dude.
- Later skaters.
- I'll clock you out.
- Hey Mike, can
you clock me out?
- You got it.
- Thanks boss.
I still can't believe you
comped those jag offs.
Adios.
- Adios.
- Come on, baby.
- You wish.
- I do wish, that's
why I keep asking.
- Uh uh, take a
walk Ponyboy,
you had your chance.
- Krissie, baby, please.
- Sorry bud.
- It wasn't my fault.
Just a teensy
little peak, please?
- You're such an animal.
- You bring it out of me.
- You're all good, did you clock out?
- Uh huh, of course.
Okay.
I bid you goodnight gentlemen.
And I do use the term loosely.
- Don't forget your bag.
- Oh, what bag?
- This isn't your bag?
- Nope.
Ah.
Comic books.
- Comic books?
- Oh, it's probably Junior's.
He's in to all that comic book shit.
- I'm outie.
- Bye.
- Hey Ponyboy.
- Yes my darling.
- Sweet dreams.
- Come on, please.
That was just mean.
Borderline sexual harassment.
Sexually frustrating at least.
- Grow the fuck up.
Mark my words.
- No.
- What?
Really?
It ain't?
Why not?
- Hey amigo.
- Hi Mike.
- How goes it?
- Good.
- What you doing?
- Nothing.
- Cool.
Nice night.
- Yeah.
- Nice night to just
sit outside and hang, right.
- I guess.
- Then why you
acting like such a psycho?
- Your mom home?
She with Andre?
That's her boyfriend's
name, right?
- Uh huh.
- Okay.
Well, I'll leave you be.
Goodnight buddy.
- Goodnight.
- Lighten up, Francis.
Good morning buddy.
- I think to myself,
if you had a fraction of a fraction of
a fraction of a fraction of my brain,
you wouldn't make half the moves.
What are you doing?
Put that away.
Those are the instructions.
Okay, I'd rather you figure out
the hard way and die 10 times.
That's embarrassing.
You can't put that out in the tournament.
Why you throwing down?
Does that make any sense?
Does it make any sense?
You tell him.
Don't tell me you don't
know what you're doing.
That works.
Really?
You're gonna put this out now?
That's like making
your first move.
It's better.
We're better people
than chess players.
- Open your eyes
and your brains,
keep your mouth shut.
You might learn something.
Pause.
Hi.
- Hi.
- What is this?
Oh, Capitan, nice.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm just kind of
discovering him now.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- You know, he has
a trade paperback.
You can get these issues plus a
few more and it'd be way cheaper.
And it wouldn't
have that lame ass
storyline of where he's
training his cousin in Thailand.
That is a bullshit
shoehorn of a storyline.
- Okay.
You said trade,
trade paperback?
- Trade paperback, yeah,
it's a collect, you know, okay.
Here, I'll show you.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Clark.
- No comments please.
- Comments?
- Yeah.
Clark the clerk,
Clark Kent,
last train to Clarksville,
Clark Clark, Dick Clark,
all the Clarks,
all the every Clark,
I've heard them all.
- Okay, okay.
- So here, it's rather
impressive actually.
I'm more of an individual
issue guy myself,
but if you're
looking to catch up,
it's a great one oh
one crash course.
- Cool.
- Oh, and you neglected to
pull the brothers issue.
That's the introduction
of Kitt Vixxen.
- Oh god, she's--
- Ridiculously sexy, I know.
- Yeah, she is.
- No, no, she's--
- Yeah.
- Ah hah, here we go.
Like I said, less expensive,
none of that Thailand bull piss.
- Oh yeah.
Cool man, thanks.
- Yeah, and plenty
of Kitt Vixxen,
if you know what I mean.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- So what turned you on?
- I beg your pardon?
- To Captain Black,
what turned you on?
- Oh, oh, oh, you know,
I don't know.
It just kind of,
it just kind of fell
on my lap, you know.
- Oh, I love that.
I love it when guys your age
slash demographic
get into the good stuff.
- Nice, yeah.
Junior, I hope you don't mind.
I read some of those last night.
- Yeah?
What'd you think?
- I liked it, I liked it a lot.
But that Kitt Vixxen.
- She's banging, bro.
Smoking hot.
- Yeah, she's banging.
- Wait a minute, just
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just look at you.
You blushing?
- What?
- Yeah, you're blushing.
You fucking pervert.
- What?
- You got a woodrow
for a comic book chick?
- No, I don't.
- Yes you do, you
frigging sicko.
- Please.
- I get it, I get it.
She's a smoke show.
But you understand,
she's not real, right?
I mean you're aware that
she's a piece of fiction.
- Yes, I aware of that.
I just like the cartoon.
- Comic.
- What?
- Comic.
- You said cartoon.
- Comic. I like the
comic, I like the comic.
Captain Black, he's,
he's
cool,
and righteous,
and tough.
He's,
he's dark,
but he's decent.
I like him.
I like him a lot.
- Cool.
- Yeah, it's cool, it's cool.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
- You still want to bang a
comic book chick character.
- Shut up.
Go to work.
Fix your tie.
- So, you're coming to my
Halloween party, right?
- Um, you know I haven't
really made up my mind yet.
- Come on.
It's classic.
We had like a hundred people last year.
- It's a thought.
- We can go together.
We can go as a couple,
cause I'm gonna be
strong caveman, and
you can be my Wilma.
- Your Wilma?
That's rich.
- Mikey, would you please
tell this young lady
that we would be
a perfect couple?
- Kris, darling,
I think you'd be
a wonderful Wilma,
whether or not you
want to be his Wilma
is entirely up to you.
- You could be our Barney.
It's perfect.
The three of us,
let's do it.
Let's go together.
- You going Mike?
- It's a thought.
It's a thought.
- Oh, is it?
- I'm considering the proposition.
- Okay.
I'll tell you what.
Mike goes,
I could be persuaded.
- Me?
- Yeah.
You bring class to
this band of heathens.
- What night?
- Saturday night.
Night off, no excuses.
- I'm in.
- You're in?
- Yeah, I'm in.
Why not.
But I'm not Barney.
- Awesome.
And,
and you?
- Well, if Mike is going,
I guess I can make
an appearance.
- That's what I'm talking about.
That's,
that's people helping people.
Fucking-A.
- Oh, fucking-A.
- Shots, three.
- Oh, shots.
- Shots.
Wait a minute.
- I'll ring them up, Jesus.
- Okay.
- Oh buddy.
Alright.
Yabba dabba doobie.
- Yabba dabba doobie.
- Hey Trace.
- Hey.
- Nice night.
- Yeah.
- Hey,
what happened to
your eye, I mean?
- Oh,
I fell off my bike.
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
- Didn't you,
didn't you fall off your
bike a couple months ago?
- You calling me clumsy, Mike?
- No.
No, I'm sorry, I,
goodnight.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
- Your shoe's untied.
- Life is precious.
Life is fragile.
Be your own ally.
Whoa.
This is awesome.
Life is precious.
Life is fragile.
Be your own ally.
Life
is precious.
Life is fragile.
Be your own ally.
Life--
- Son of a bitch.
- What the
fuck is wrong with you?
Are you friggin nuts?
Have you completely
lost your fucking mind?
- Oh shit.
Captain Black
rescues cat on roof.
Film at 11.
Gatito was stuck on the roof.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I got him down,
no problem though.
- Cool.
- I'll
tell you what,
it's going to be a real punk.
- So you're
just hanging out here then?
I'm gonna give the cat some tuna
if you want to help.
- I'm fine.
Thanks.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Hey Mike.
- Yeah.
- Do you have any
brothers or sisters?
- Yeah I do.
I have a sister.
We,
we don't really
talk to each other.
- How come?
- Yeah, it's a long story.
- That's too bad.
- Yeah.
- So why are you
dressed like that?
- Oh, this is just a thing.
I'm going to a party.
I was just trying
it on for size.
- Cool.
- So everything's okay then?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Alright, amigo.
I'll leave you be.
- See ya.
- Hey, Austin,
be your own ally.
You ever hear that expression?
- No.
- Pretty cool, though, huh.
- I guess.
- I'll see you.
- Something low cut,
you know what I mean,
but you should see what the
chicks wear to this party.
It's like everything's hot.
The zombie's hot.
The nurse's hot.
The kitty cat's hot.
Astronaut's freaking nuts.
- It's cool man, cool.
- Yeah, yeah.
What are you wearing?
- I got something in mind.
- Well don't half ass it, buddy.
This is serious.
- Okay, I like my chances.
- Alright, I love that spirit.
- Hey.
I got a birthday.
- Time to shine.
Happy birthday
It's a fucking Halloween party.
Everyone's gonna be dressed up.
No problem.
Whiskey.
Oh shit.
Oh fuck me.
Oh fart.
Come on.
Son of a bitch.
- It's a cool outfit, bro.
- Thanks, Andre.
- Faggot.
Turn it up
So everybody knows
That I got the good thing
I'll show you how it goes
Turn me loose
Til sweat drips
down my shoes
- This is Marshmallow,
she's a rescue.
- Second, let me guess.
Know where to find me
It looks like I know him,
but I don't know him.
Are you,
no, no, god, I'm so close.
- You'll get it.
Music's hot
- I'm not happy about this.
But I'm telling you,
unless I die early,
and I'm gonna be one of those
people wearing adult diapers.
- Oh, is that a
banana in your pocket?
- It's as if the green peppers
are the Paul,
and the red peppers
are the John,
and the gold peppers
are the George.
- But what about Ringo?
- Ringo?
Ringo, Ringo.
Orange.
Orange peppers.
I don't know if Ringo
even gets a pepper.
- Poor Ringo.
Hey, it's the walrus.
- These guys here though,
in between the peppers,
that's Yoko.
- Okay.
- I'll take you back to my cave.
- I want to do something
bigger,
something better.
- What do you mean?
You're great at what you do.
- No, no, but I want to be more than just a waiter.
- Okay.
Well what do you want to do?
Go funk yourself
- That's just it, I don't know.
- Jesus, did you
hear about that?
Dude, he broke his
fucking collar bone
in a goddamn massage parlor.
Yeah, like over a
rub and tug place,
you know what I mean.
Cause his feet were
all oily, right.
And then after the happy ending,
he just like hops off the table
and breaks his
fucking collarbone.
- Jesus.
- The best part
he had to lie to
his wife about it
because he can't just
tell her that he broke
his clavicle in some
Chinatown rub and tug
after getting a hand-o.
- What did he tell her?
- He told her that
he was playing hoops
at the YMCA.
- I didn't even know
he played basketball.
- Mike, I'm so drunk.
- Listen, we're nouns.
Not pronouns.
I mean all nouns, man.
We're fucking homo sapiens.
And we're all gonna die.
With you downtown
We're all gonna die.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to bring it
down, but we're all gonna die.
We're all gonna be
in this together.
Oh I get that feeling
Yeah you give it to me
- I got it.
You're that guy.
You're the guy from TV. You
dressed like the guy
from all those commercials.
- Nailed it.
- Brilliant.
Absolutely brilliant.
My eyes on the road
- Alright, one,
I'm not gonna,
I'm not gonna use my
cellphone at a urinal.
- Yes.
- No freaking way, right.
- No.
- Alright, second thing.
I'm not gonna put
ketchup on a hotdog.
I mean come on, that's childish.
He's leaving.
- LA proved too
much for the man.
So maybe he wasn't around.
You know what I mean.
Like maybe he doesn't
need the constant reminder
it didn't pan out.
Cause,
cause he's quitting.
Like he's turning tail.
And she's just
going to jump on a
midnight train to
Georgia to, what?
Right, right,
to rub it in?
Be a constant echo of
his failure and regret?
I don't know.
I know I don't need
that shit, right.
Stay your ass in LA.
Doing to me
Take me to church
- Do you know what word
is dramatically underused?
- Dastardly?
- Close.
Rapscallion.
Do not come.
You are sleeping
At half past three
But I know you know girl
A man's got his knees
So I get that feeling
Oh I get that feeling
Oh I get that feeling
And you know what it means
I get that feeling
You give it to me
I get that
The girl is bad
From her to choke
You know that she's the shit
The way she moves at night
The girl is bad
You ever need
Please tell me that
you want me baby
- Well hello.
- Hello to you.
- Hello.
- You already said that.
I want a good thing
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- I couldn't help but notice.
- Oh captain, my captain.
- Um.
- Captain Black?
- Oh yes, of course.
Yes I am, I am that.
- Well.
She said she do
- You look just fine.
She says she love me
But I don't believe her
- And you're Kitt.
- Damn skippy, I'm Kitt.
- Whoa,
you look
just great.
- Well thank you.
- Really, really.
- No way.
You guys look so cool.
The black Captain, right,
and Kitt Vickie?
- Well.
- You know it.
- So awesome.
Let's get a selfie.
What.
Oh my god, this looks so good.
Here, put in your numbers
and I'll text it to you.
- I don't really text.
- Old school.
That's so sweet.
Comic book nerds are so sweet.
My girlfriend is so
into comic books.
I got to show her you two.
She's gonna freak the fuck out.
Where is she?
Have you seen her?
She's dressed up as a cowgirl.
I wanted her to
go as Wonder Woman
cause she looks way
hot as Wonder Woman.
But she didn't want to
cause she says she's
done it too many times
and she'd be pissed if there
was another Wonder Woman here.
Blah, blah.
Cause you don't want
to be the same person
as someone else, right.
Unless there's like
a zillion people here
and the odds are
just way too much.
Oh, where is she?
Oh well, I lost her.
It's okay.
Oops.
Look at you two.
You guys are the best couple.
Wait.
Wait right here.
I'm getting my cowgirl
and we're all doing shots.
Don't move.
- Okay.
I want to
- She said we make
a good couple.
- Yeah, yeah, that's a--
- Do you like what you see?
- Yes I do.
- You know what though,
I bet I'd look even
better over there
on the other side
of these lights.
- Oh well then,
we should go investigate.
- So how are the kids?
- Fuck.
Kids are lonely man.
To the millionaires why
We rocking to the stage
I wouldn't know
- Well,
this
seems cozy.
- Uh huh.
- This is crazy,
this right here.
- Don't you like it?
- Yeah, I like it.
But I don't even know your name.
- Just shut up and kiss me.
- Okay.
Take off your mask.
- No.
- There it is.
Right here.
You sure you're okay with this?
- Yes, I'm okay with this.
- Okay.
- You sure?
- Yes.
Yes.
- Oh my god.
Fuck.
Oh my god.
My god.
Wow.
You,
you, you, you are,
you are incredible.
You're incredible.
- So you are you
captain, my captain.
- I don't,
what's your name?
- Kitt Vixxen.
- Okay, funny.
Funny, funny, funny.
My name's Mike.
What's your real name?
- My what?
- What.
What's your alter ego?
- You know, I'm thirsty.
I'm gonna go get a drink.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Alright.
What the fuck just happened?
Yabba dabba dooie.
She drove off to Chino
As she done me wrong
Gonna jump in the lake
As our cannon ball
With things get to fake
I pull back the skin
Poor me
Poor me
Poor me
Poor me
Did I fucking dream that?
Nope.
I did not.
- I got a birthday.
- Yabba
dabba do.
- No guacamole.
- Captain Black.
Captain Black.
If you're ever in danger
There's no need to hide
For there's dark stranger
Who will stand by your side
He's a leader of justice
Leader of the pack
They call him the captain
Captain Black
He will right
every wrong here
He will take a stand
He will always
be strong dear
For his fellow man
He'll run through a desert
Crawl through hell and back
Just call for the captain
Captain Black
Just call for the captain
Captain Black
Just call for the captain
Captain
Black
I'm feeling good
I'm feeling fine
Thinking of you
Fine
I'm going for a fucking run.
I'm going.
I'm going.
I'm going.
Oh fuck.
Holy shit.
Oh my god.
Jesus.
Good luck with this shit.
Fuck me.
Holy hell.
Holy hell.
Oh my God.
- Yo.
Sarge.
- Yo.
- There he is.
What's up sergeant?
- Good evening.
- Was I right, or was I fucking right?
- You were, you were
absolutely right.
Yes. - I tried to clean up
for like three hours straight,
didn't even make a dent in the place.
- That was, that was.
- Yeah, off the charts.
It's the best party ever.
- Off the charts,
off the chain,
off the rails,
off the hook.
Why were you
calling me sergeant?
- That's who you were, right?
Sergeant Blackstar or
something like that?
- No, no, no, no,
captain, Captain Black.
- Ah, right, right, right.
- Well thank you very
much for inviting me
and talking me into that.
I had a blast man.
That was a blast.
- Dude, I'm just happy you came.
That was awesome.
Did you get wasted?
- No, I had a couple beers.
- Yeah.
Did you meet any felines?
- Felines?
I was gonna ask you.
There was a,
there was a Kitt Vixxen there.
- Yeah. There were a lot
of vixens there, dude.
- No, no, no, no.
Kitt Vixxen is a character
from the same comic as me,
as Captain Black.
- No.
I don't know man.
I was like three shades of shitfaced.
- So you don't know who she was?
- No, sorry.
- I figured.
- I mean did you get her info?
- No, no, no, she split
before I even got her name.
- She smoking?
- Grass?
- No, not smoking
grass, whatever.
Everybody was smoking.
No, smoking hot.
- Oh yeah, oh god yes.
Oh, that smoking.
Yes very much so.
Very much so smoking.
- Okay.
So you hook up?
Did you hook up?
Did you?
You did, didn't you.
Good.
Dude, I need details.
- No, I don't do details.
- Ripoff.
- Yo, caveman.
That drink order up.
Oh, hi Mike.
- Oh hey, Kris.
- Hot plates coming through.
- Recovering?
- Recovering from the party?
- Uh huh.
- No, I'm good, I'm good.
I went for a jog actually.
- Oh.
Had to sweat off that girl
with the cat ears
and that tight body suit, huh.
- What?
- I saw you talking
to that hottie.
Hey Flintstones, these drinks aren't
gonna make themselves. - I'm on it.
- Do you know her?
- No, I never saw her before.
She's pretty.
- Yeah.
- What's her name?
- Good question.
- No name?
Scandalous.
- Okay, I'll be in the office.
- Alright man,
but I want the skinny on the shit dude.
I'm not pussyfooting around.
I want the real nitty gritty.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
I got you a cornucopia.
They're giving them
away at the store.
There you go.
Here you go.
Here I go.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I would have invited Brie,
I'm sure they have plans.
- He said he was
playing basketball.
Hoops he said.
But you know, I'm not
buying that for a second.
Basketball?
- What makes you say that?
- Well he hasn't played
basketball for ages.
And the YMCA?
Like I'm not even sure that he
still has a YMCA membership.
- But why would he lie?
I mean like who
lies about the YMCA?
- Exactly.
This is so--
- It's so.
I don't know.
I smell a rat.
- Hey, I got a birthday.
- Oh thank god.
- Alright, you guys ready or
what motherfuckers? Fuck yes.
Fuck yes.
We'll light it there,
we'll light it there.
Happy birthday
Pochita
Birthday party is for you
Happy birthday
To our amiga
Happy birthday is to you
Babaloo
- Thank you.
- Yes, of course.
Yes.
Thank you.
Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
Birthdays,
birthdays are great.
- Thank you.
- What's your name?
- Maria.
- Happy birthday, Maria.
- Thank you.
- My name's Mike.
My name's Mike.
- Okay, well, thanks Mike.
- Of course.
- Great.
- Cheesecake's on the house.
- Thank you.
- That's very sweet.
- They don't make cheesecake
the way they used to.
Well.
Happy birthday again.
- Thank you again.
- So how old are you anyway?
- 17.
- That's right.
No more sweet 16.
- And
never been kissed.
- Quiet.
- You okay boss?
- Yes?
- Mike?
- Yes.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm
good, I'm good.
I got a little queasy.
I'm sorry.
- Can I come in?
- Of course,
yeah, I'm sorry.
- You okay Mike?
- I'm good.
I just got a little queasy.
- Do you know
what times it is?
- Time?
No, why?
- Mike.
- It's after 11.
That's fine.
- Mike, we haven't seen you
for two fucking hours.
I have been doing
all of your shit.
Counting drops,
cutting people,
checking the side work,
what the fuck are
you doing down here?
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
I'm fine.
Everything's fine.
But are you okay?
- I'm good.
I'm good.
- Are you sick?
- Yeah, you know I did.
I got sick.
I was.
But it's over now.
- Michael.
What the hell is going on?
- Can we talk?
- Of course.
- Okay.
- Well?
- The what?
- Do you want to talk?
- Oh Jesus yes.
Can we?
Can we?
That would be great.
- So let's talk.
- Yeah, okay.
Only--
- Only what?
- Only,
not right now.
Can we talk later?
- You know we can Mike.
- Yeah, like maybe tomorrow.
- Tomorrow is fine.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Fuck, holy shit.
Is everything okay out there?
- Everything is fine.
- Oh my god.
- I took care of everything.
- It's 11:11, is everyone gone?
- Everyone but Jake.
He's just closed up.
But you need to lock up.
You do know that, right?
- Yeah, of course.
Of course.
Of course.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- So you're gonna,
you gonna be alright?
I can leave you alone?
Okay.
- Of course.
I'll go with you.
So Kris.
- Mike.
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.
- We'll talk.
- Of course, babe.
We can talk about
anything you like, okay.
I'm here for you.
We can talk now if you'd like.
- Tomorrow.
I'll buy you a drink.
- After tonight,
you owe me a bottle.
Yabba dabba doobie
- Hey,
I got a birthday.
- That's right,
no more sweet 16.
- Scandalous.
- That's a
cool outfit bro.
- Do you
like what you see?
- Oh my god.
So good.
Here, put in your numbers
and I'll text it to you.
- Oh, I don't normally text.
- Old school.
That's so sweet.
I
Know how to hit the road
Know how to go it alone
Down some dark
Highway
But I
I ain't been here before
Some southern bound platform
My love gone away
- Good morning.
- Morning.
It's like somebody else
is at the wheel driving
500 tons of steel
And that's as half
as heavy as my heart
And I
Can hear the trains cry
Now I finally know why
It's the most lonesome
Sound
Yeah I
I know why the trains cry
They're leaving with goodbye
They can't just turn around
This
This is the life I picked
And this is the
love I can give
But it's always
heading out of town
Yeah, somebody else
is at the wheel
Timed like a thief
coming and stealing
Take me away from
where you are
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Nice day.
- Yeah.
- So.
- Yeah?
- So I don't really know what
to, to say here.
- I don't either.
- That was nuts.
- Yep.
- That was just crazy.
That whole night.
Really.
Everything that night,
that kind of thing doesn't
happen to me or with me.
I just, I don't do that
kind of thing.
Do you?
- No.
- That's great.
I mean that's cool.
You just seem so-
- So what?
- I don't know, so
smooth,
experienced,
self-assured.
And I just wondered if maybe
you know,
this wasn't something
new for you.
- Well it was.
- You and me both.
- So.
- So.
- So do you have any
questions for me?
- Questions?
No.
No, I just,
I just hope we're cool.
Are we?
- Are we cool?
- Yeah, are we?
- Look,
I'm late.
- Okay.
I'm sorry, I don't
want to keep you.
I just wanted to talk.
- No.
No, I'm late.
- Okay, that's fine.
I'll just, take care
of yourself I guess.
- Mike.
I'm late.
- Oh Jesus Christ.
- Yeah.
- Okay, so
how do we,
how do you want to
proceed?
- I don't know.
- How can I help?
- I don't know, I don't know.
Okay, this is new to me.
Kind of new waters, you know.
- Of course, of course.
- Well have you,
have you
considered
what are you considering?
- I have no clue.
This is not what I had in mind,
not what I had in
mind that night,
not what I had in mind
for my life for right now.
Okay, this was not a part
of the plan, you know.
- I understand.
- I mean I can't have a kid.
Right now?
Are you fucking kidding me?
No way.
But I can't tell
my parents either.
They'd pitch a fit.
This is just so fucked up.
This was not supposed
to happen to me,
not like this.
- Have you looked into a,
a procedure?
- I need to get my
parent's permission
in order to get an abortion.
Unless I want to go see a judge.
And that's not gonna happen.
- Well what about me?
Can I help?
- You?
Help, seriously?
You're my fucking
statutory rapist,
what the hell can you do?
You've done quite
enough already,
don't you think.
- Right.
Right.
- I'm sorry.
Okay, I'm just,
I'm just kind of freaking
out over here, you know.
- Oh I know.
Trust me, I know.
- Look, I got to go.
- So Maria--
- Yes, Mike?
- This is all pretty
delicate, you know.
I mean--
- I get it.
- I mean I want to be
there for you, but--
- I know.
- This.
- It's okay.
You just can't right now.
I get it.
- Do you have someone,
do you have someone to help you?
- I'm a big girl.
I'll be fine on my own.
And Mike,
you,
you were
good
as Captain Black.
See ya.
- Oh my god.
Lord help me.
- Hello?
- Hi.
Hi.
- Hi.
Well come in.
- Thanks.
- Can I get you some
water or something?
- No, thanks.
I'm fine
- Oh, sit down I guess.
- Give it to me.
- No mine.
- Just give me a minute.
- Mine, give it to me.
- Mine.
Mine, give it to me.
- Hey, no, no, don't.
Uncle Mike is here
and I need to talk to him
in private for a minute.
So just give me a second, okay.
I'll be back.
- The place looks great.
- Thanks.
- How are the kids?
- Mike.
- You know, this year
would have been their
50th wedding anniversary.
- I'm aware of that.
- Do you remember,
remember a long time ago,
I told you that,
that we should see
each other more often.
I was afraid that
when we did
that it would be bad.
It would be because
of something bad.
Do you remember that?
- I remember that.
- This might be bad.
- Okay.
- I might be in trouble.
- Okay.
- I met a girl, and
I think she might be pregnant.
- Okay.
- The thing is,
when we met,
she didn't,
I never asked her
how old she was.
- What?
- And I--
- Oh my god, what
the fuck, Mike?
- I thought about what happened to you.
- What the fuck are you saying?
- That I felt awful.
- You felt awful?
- I did.
I felt awful.
Of course I felt awful.
- How can you come in my house with
this and you tell me to feel bad?
- I'm sorry.
- You tell me this.
- I didn't know what to do.
- You abandoned me, Mike.
You just left me.
I was horrified
and I felt alone,
and you just left me.
- I didn't know.
I didn't know what to do.
- Fuck you.
Get out of my house.
- No, I'm not gonna
get out of your house.
I want to talk to you.
- No, I'm not talking to you.
Get out of my house.
You cannot talk to me.
I am not here for you.
Get out of my house right now.
- No.
I'm not, I'm not leaving.
I'm standing right here.
- No, go.
- I'm right here.
- Go.
- I'm right here.
- Get out.
Get out.
- Fine.
- Out.
- Fine.
- Out of my house.
- I'm going.
- Yeah, come in.
- We're not gonna do this again.
Holy shit.
- You're telling me.
- She did not that young.
- Nope.
She did not.
- And now it's like,
what can you do?
I mean this is--
- Don't I know it.
- And she says she has
to talk to her parents?
Or a judge?
- I don't want to
think about a judge.
- You tell anyone else?
- My sister.
- You're kidding?
- Nope.
- Jesus.
How'd that go?
Wow.
- The girl,
she called me a rapist.
- What?
- She--
- That's bullshit.
Mike, I saw it.
- I know.
- That fucking little bitch.
I mean I saw it.
I saw it Mike.
I didn't see it, but--
- That's not what I mean.
- She was coming on to you all night long.
- That's not what I mean.
- Well what the
fuck do you mean?
- I mean
that's not what she meant.
I mean she
understands
the sensitivity of
the situation.
She gets it.
- Oh, she gets it?
- Right.
- Great.
She gets it.
Fat fucking lot of
good that does for us.
Mike, I am here for you.
- I know.
- I just don't
know what I can do.
- I know.
- I don't know if there's
anything I can do, you know.
- I know.
I know.
- It's like we're fucked.
- It's like I'm fucked.
- Yeah. You're right,
I didn't want to say anything.
It's like you're fucked.
Yeah.
It's your own fault.
You looked pretty
hot in that outfit.
You're a good man.
Don't forget that.
- Thanks.
- Don't do that, I am
telling you something.
You
are a good man.
Don't sing
Waiting
Wishing for a sleep
that won't come
I need a peaceful
wind to blow
And push me along
Searching
Wondering
I'm lost in this maze
I've got to
disappear these days
To find my place
The noise of the
world gets louder
The walls in my
heart climb higher
Maybe someday
I'll touch the sky
- Well,
I'm not sure how to
tell you guys this.
The thing is,
well I haven't really wrapped
my brain around it yet.
The thing is,
oh I wish you guys
were here right now.
Or maybe I don't.
Maybe,
maybe it's better that you're
not here because I don't,
I don't know,
I don't,
I miss you guys so much.
I wish you were here right now.
It really is so beautiful here.
See you soon.
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
- Hey there, it's Kris.
I can't take your call.
Let me know what's what.
Chow.
- Hey, Kris.
It's me.
It's Mike.
So that thing, the thing
that we talked about.
I think it's bad.
I don't know,
I don't know what's
gonna go down.
But I think I might
be in trouble.
Listen,
you're the only one
with a key to my place.
So if
anything happens to me,
or anything goes down,
hopefully everything's fine
and I'm just making a big
fucking fool out of myself.
Could you just make
sure nothing happens
to Gatito cause
you're great.
And I love you, thank you.
Fucking no idea.
I had no idea.
- Oh go.
You want me to go?
Where do you want me to go, huh?
And what are you gonna
do without me, huh?
What are you gonna
do without me?
What are you gonna do then?
- Please just go.
- Who the hell's that?
What the fuck?
No.
- Mike.
- Son of a bitch.
- Jesus Mike, stop.
- Son of a bitch.
How dare you.
How dare you hit a woman.
Never again.
Get the fuck out of here
and never come back.
You understand me,
never the fuck come back.
- Baby.
- You heard him, get out.
Get the fuck out of my life.
- Baby, I'm sorry.
- Get out.
- Leave him alone. Baby.
- You heard her.
Go.
- Go.
It's okay, Austin,
we'll be okay.
- And you.
Life is too precious.
Life is too fragile.
Be your own goddamn ally.
- Okay.
- Be your own ally.
If you're ever in danger
There's no need to hide
For there's a dark stranger
Who will stand by your side
He's the leader of justice
Leader of the pack
They call him the captain
Captain Black
Oh oh oh
He will right
every wrong here
He will take a stand
He will always
be strong dear
For his fellow man
He will run through a desert
Crawl through hell and back
Just call for the captain
Captain Black
Just call for the captain
Captain Black
Just call for the captain
Captain
Black
- Mike, I need you.
- What's up?
- Some asshole on 42
wants to see the manager.
They say the food's all wrong,
I'm all wrong,
just a bunch of fucking jerks.
- Hi, can I be of help?
- Yeah, you the manager here?
- I am.
My name's Mike.
- Well Jesus, where
do I even start.
Okay, first of all,
we specifically did not order guacamole.
What do you call that?
- I'm so sorry, let me
get this out of your way.
- The beans weren't even hot.
And my wife, she ordered
Midori pineapple sour
and neither one of us
can taste the alcohol.
- You know what, I can have
the bartender make another,
or better yet, I
can make one myself.
- No, you know what.
It's too late.
Just forget it.
Okay, we'll take the check.
Thank you very much.
And I don't think that you'll be
seeing us in here any time soon.
- I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, damn right you are.
- Let me take care
of the check for you.
- Well, alright.
You should.
But what you really should do
is you should give us some
free coupons for next time.
- For next time?
- Yeah. Yeah, you want to keep
your customers happy, don't you.
- I'm sorry, you weren't
happy with your food
or your service,
so you'd like
credit for the next time?
- Yes I do.
- Let me take care
of the check for you.
- Fine.
We're leaving.
And you, Mark.
- Mike.
- Whatever, you will
not be seeing us
in your establishment again.
Thank you very much.
Awful.
Awful.
- Safe home now.
- What'd he say?
- Nothing, you were
right, total jackass.
- I told you so.
What'd you do?
- I comped him.
- Fuck man.
The fucking assholes.
- They were.
- So you just give them the--
- Order.
- You just give
them a free meal.
- They're gone, right.
- Fuck them.
- Language.
Language.
- Now they're gonna yelp my ass.
- It's okay.
- They're gonna yelp
the whole fucking place.
- You'll be fine.
- Fuck that.
- You'll survive.
- Not to mention no tip.
No fucking tip,
and that fucker is running me.
- Junior, Junior, just calm down.
Let it go.
Breathe deep.
- Coming out.
- Mike, I love you man,
but this is so lame.
- Junior, I love you man,
get back to work.
- Fuck this.
Fucking bullshit.
- Yo, Jake.
- Mike.
- Can I get a
Midori pineapple sour,
extra strong please.
- You fucking kidding me?
- Yes, I'm kidding.
- Good, cause some piece of shit just
sent one of those back a little while ago.
- I heard.
- You heard?
- Don't worry about
it, you're fine.
- Everybody I got a birthday.
- Okay, birthday.
- Yeah, it's the gay couple
with their granddaughter.
- I got to blow off some
fucking steam in here.
- Okay, table 33 follow me.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven.
Happy birthday
Ponchito
Birthday party is for you
Happy birthday
To our amigo
Happy birthday is
to you, babaloo
- Dude.
- Yeah?
- That was dope.
I grabbed the liners,
I was throwing them
all over the place.
- I know.
I caught them all.
- You caught them all?
- Every one.
- Nice.
- Man, I need new shoes.
These things are killing me.
- You need new shoes
because those stink
to high heaven
and should be incinerated.
- You think?
- Uh huh.
- Shut up.
Hey.
Hey babe.
Oh shit, that's now?
Oh yeah, yeah, I'm on my way.
Uh huh.
Hey Mike, my drop all good?
- You're all set.
- I gotta jet.
- Alright buddy.
- Bye.
- Later dude.
- Later skaters.
- I'll clock you out.
- Hey Mike, can
you clock me out?
- You got it.
- Thanks boss.
I still can't believe you
comped those jag offs.
Adios.
- Adios.
- Come on, baby.
- You wish.
- I do wish, that's
why I keep asking.
- Uh uh, take a
walk Ponyboy,
you had your chance.
- Krissie, baby, please.
- Sorry bud.
- It wasn't my fault.
Just a teensy
little peak, please?
- You're such an animal.
- You bring it out of me.
- You're all good, did you clock out?
- Uh huh, of course.
Okay.
I bid you goodnight gentlemen.
And I do use the term loosely.
- Don't forget your bag.
- Oh, what bag?
- This isn't your bag?
- Nope.
Ah.
Comic books.
- Comic books?
- Oh, it's probably Junior's.
He's in to all that comic book shit.
- I'm outie.
- Bye.
- Hey Ponyboy.
- Yes my darling.
- Sweet dreams.
- Come on, please.
That was just mean.
Borderline sexual harassment.
Sexually frustrating at least.
- Grow the fuck up.
Mark my words.
- No.
- What?
Really?
It ain't?
Why not?
- Hey amigo.
- Hi Mike.
- How goes it?
- Good.
- What you doing?
- Nothing.
- Cool.
Nice night.
- Yeah.
- Nice night to just
sit outside and hang, right.
- I guess.
- Then why you
acting like such a psycho?
- Your mom home?
She with Andre?
That's her boyfriend's
name, right?
- Uh huh.
- Okay.
Well, I'll leave you be.
Goodnight buddy.
- Goodnight.
- Lighten up, Francis.
Good morning buddy.
- I think to myself,
if you had a fraction of a fraction of
a fraction of a fraction of my brain,
you wouldn't make half the moves.
What are you doing?
Put that away.
Those are the instructions.
Okay, I'd rather you figure out
the hard way and die 10 times.
That's embarrassing.
You can't put that out in the tournament.
Why you throwing down?
Does that make any sense?
Does it make any sense?
You tell him.
Don't tell me you don't
know what you're doing.
That works.
Really?
You're gonna put this out now?
That's like making
your first move.
It's better.
We're better people
than chess players.
- Open your eyes
and your brains,
keep your mouth shut.
You might learn something.
Pause.
Hi.
- Hi.
- What is this?
Oh, Capitan, nice.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm just kind of
discovering him now.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- You know, he has
a trade paperback.
You can get these issues plus a
few more and it'd be way cheaper.
And it wouldn't
have that lame ass
storyline of where he's
training his cousin in Thailand.
That is a bullshit
shoehorn of a storyline.
- Okay.
You said trade,
trade paperback?
- Trade paperback, yeah,
it's a collect, you know, okay.
Here, I'll show you.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Clark.
- No comments please.
- Comments?
- Yeah.
Clark the clerk,
Clark Kent,
last train to Clarksville,
Clark Clark, Dick Clark,
all the Clarks,
all the every Clark,
I've heard them all.
- Okay, okay.
- So here, it's rather
impressive actually.
I'm more of an individual
issue guy myself,
but if you're
looking to catch up,
it's a great one oh
one crash course.
- Cool.
- Oh, and you neglected to
pull the brothers issue.
That's the introduction
of Kitt Vixxen.
- Oh god, she's--
- Ridiculously sexy, I know.
- Yeah, she is.
- No, no, she's--
- Yeah.
- Ah hah, here we go.
Like I said, less expensive,
none of that Thailand bull piss.
- Oh yeah.
Cool man, thanks.
- Yeah, and plenty
of Kitt Vixxen,
if you know what I mean.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- So what turned you on?
- I beg your pardon?
- To Captain Black,
what turned you on?
- Oh, oh, oh, you know,
I don't know.
It just kind of,
it just kind of fell
on my lap, you know.
- Oh, I love that.
I love it when guys your age
slash demographic
get into the good stuff.
- Nice, yeah.
Junior, I hope you don't mind.
I read some of those last night.
- Yeah?
What'd you think?
- I liked it, I liked it a lot.
But that Kitt Vixxen.
- She's banging, bro.
Smoking hot.
- Yeah, she's banging.
- Wait a minute, just
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just look at you.
You blushing?
- What?
- Yeah, you're blushing.
You fucking pervert.
- What?
- You got a woodrow
for a comic book chick?
- No, I don't.
- Yes you do, you
frigging sicko.
- Please.
- I get it, I get it.
She's a smoke show.
But you understand,
she's not real, right?
I mean you're aware that
she's a piece of fiction.
- Yes, I aware of that.
I just like the cartoon.
- Comic.
- What?
- Comic.
- You said cartoon.
- Comic. I like the
comic, I like the comic.
Captain Black, he's,
he's
cool,
and righteous,
and tough.
He's,
he's dark,
but he's decent.
I like him.
I like him a lot.
- Cool.
- Yeah, it's cool, it's cool.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
- You still want to bang a
comic book chick character.
- Shut up.
Go to work.
Fix your tie.
- So, you're coming to my
Halloween party, right?
- Um, you know I haven't
really made up my mind yet.
- Come on.
It's classic.
We had like a hundred people last year.
- It's a thought.
- We can go together.
We can go as a couple,
cause I'm gonna be
strong caveman, and
you can be my Wilma.
- Your Wilma?
That's rich.
- Mikey, would you please
tell this young lady
that we would be
a perfect couple?
- Kris, darling,
I think you'd be
a wonderful Wilma,
whether or not you
want to be his Wilma
is entirely up to you.
- You could be our Barney.
It's perfect.
The three of us,
let's do it.
Let's go together.
- You going Mike?
- It's a thought.
It's a thought.
- Oh, is it?
- I'm considering the proposition.
- Okay.
I'll tell you what.
Mike goes,
I could be persuaded.
- Me?
- Yeah.
You bring class to
this band of heathens.
- What night?
- Saturday night.
Night off, no excuses.
- I'm in.
- You're in?
- Yeah, I'm in.
Why not.
But I'm not Barney.
- Awesome.
And,
and you?
- Well, if Mike is going,
I guess I can make
an appearance.
- That's what I'm talking about.
That's,
that's people helping people.
Fucking-A.
- Oh, fucking-A.
- Shots, three.
- Oh, shots.
- Shots.
Wait a minute.
- I'll ring them up, Jesus.
- Okay.
- Oh buddy.
Alright.
Yabba dabba doobie.
- Yabba dabba doobie.
- Hey Trace.
- Hey.
- Nice night.
- Yeah.
- Hey,
what happened to
your eye, I mean?
- Oh,
I fell off my bike.
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
- Didn't you,
didn't you fall off your
bike a couple months ago?
- You calling me clumsy, Mike?
- No.
No, I'm sorry, I,
goodnight.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
- Your shoe's untied.
- Life is precious.
Life is fragile.
Be your own ally.
Whoa.
This is awesome.
Life is precious.
Life is fragile.
Be your own ally.
Life
is precious.
Life is fragile.
Be your own ally.
Life--
- Son of a bitch.
- What the
fuck is wrong with you?
Are you friggin nuts?
Have you completely
lost your fucking mind?
- Oh shit.
Captain Black
rescues cat on roof.
Film at 11.
Gatito was stuck on the roof.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I got him down,
no problem though.
- Cool.
- I'll
tell you what,
it's going to be a real punk.
- So you're
just hanging out here then?
I'm gonna give the cat some tuna
if you want to help.
- I'm fine.
Thanks.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Hey Mike.
- Yeah.
- Do you have any
brothers or sisters?
- Yeah I do.
I have a sister.
We,
we don't really
talk to each other.
- How come?
- Yeah, it's a long story.
- That's too bad.
- Yeah.
- So why are you
dressed like that?
- Oh, this is just a thing.
I'm going to a party.
I was just trying
it on for size.
- Cool.
- So everything's okay then?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Alright, amigo.
I'll leave you be.
- See ya.
- Hey, Austin,
be your own ally.
You ever hear that expression?
- No.
- Pretty cool, though, huh.
- I guess.
- I'll see you.
- Something low cut,
you know what I mean,
but you should see what the
chicks wear to this party.
It's like everything's hot.
The zombie's hot.
The nurse's hot.
The kitty cat's hot.
Astronaut's freaking nuts.
- It's cool man, cool.
- Yeah, yeah.
What are you wearing?
- I got something in mind.
- Well don't half ass it, buddy.
This is serious.
- Okay, I like my chances.
- Alright, I love that spirit.
- Hey.
I got a birthday.
- Time to shine.
Happy birthday
It's a fucking Halloween party.
Everyone's gonna be dressed up.
No problem.
Whiskey.
Oh shit.
Oh fuck me.
Oh fart.
Come on.
Son of a bitch.
- It's a cool outfit, bro.
- Thanks, Andre.
- Faggot.
Turn it up
So everybody knows
That I got the good thing
I'll show you how it goes
Turn me loose
Til sweat drips
down my shoes
- This is Marshmallow,
she's a rescue.
- Second, let me guess.
Know where to find me
It looks like I know him,
but I don't know him.
Are you,
no, no, god, I'm so close.
- You'll get it.
Music's hot
- I'm not happy about this.
But I'm telling you,
unless I die early,
and I'm gonna be one of those
people wearing adult diapers.
- Oh, is that a
banana in your pocket?
- It's as if the green peppers
are the Paul,
and the red peppers
are the John,
and the gold peppers
are the George.
- But what about Ringo?
- Ringo?
Ringo, Ringo.
Orange.
Orange peppers.
I don't know if Ringo
even gets a pepper.
- Poor Ringo.
Hey, it's the walrus.
- These guys here though,
in between the peppers,
that's Yoko.
- Okay.
- I'll take you back to my cave.
- I want to do something
bigger,
something better.
- What do you mean?
You're great at what you do.
- No, no, but I want to be more than just a waiter.
- Okay.
Well what do you want to do?
Go funk yourself
- That's just it, I don't know.
- Jesus, did you
hear about that?
Dude, he broke his
fucking collar bone
in a goddamn massage parlor.
Yeah, like over a
rub and tug place,
you know what I mean.
Cause his feet were
all oily, right.
And then after the happy ending,
he just like hops off the table
and breaks his
fucking collarbone.
- Jesus.
- The best part
he had to lie to
his wife about it
because he can't just
tell her that he broke
his clavicle in some
Chinatown rub and tug
after getting a hand-o.
- What did he tell her?
- He told her that
he was playing hoops
at the YMCA.
- I didn't even know
he played basketball.
- Mike, I'm so drunk.
- Listen, we're nouns.
Not pronouns.
I mean all nouns, man.
We're fucking homo sapiens.
And we're all gonna die.
With you downtown
We're all gonna die.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to bring it
down, but we're all gonna die.
We're all gonna be
in this together.
Oh I get that feeling
Yeah you give it to me
- I got it.
You're that guy.
You're the guy from TV. You
dressed like the guy
from all those commercials.
- Nailed it.
- Brilliant.
Absolutely brilliant.
My eyes on the road
- Alright, one,
I'm not gonna,
I'm not gonna use my
cellphone at a urinal.
- Yes.
- No freaking way, right.
- No.
- Alright, second thing.
I'm not gonna put
ketchup on a hotdog.
I mean come on, that's childish.
He's leaving.
- LA proved too
much for the man.
So maybe he wasn't around.
You know what I mean.
Like maybe he doesn't
need the constant reminder
it didn't pan out.
Cause,
cause he's quitting.
Like he's turning tail.
And she's just
going to jump on a
midnight train to
Georgia to, what?
Right, right,
to rub it in?
Be a constant echo of
his failure and regret?
I don't know.
I know I don't need
that shit, right.
Stay your ass in LA.
Doing to me
Take me to church
- Do you know what word
is dramatically underused?
- Dastardly?
- Close.
Rapscallion.
Do not come.
You are sleeping
At half past three
But I know you know girl
A man's got his knees
So I get that feeling
Oh I get that feeling
Oh I get that feeling
And you know what it means
I get that feeling
You give it to me
I get that
The girl is bad
From her to choke
You know that she's the shit
The way she moves at night
The girl is bad
You ever need
Please tell me that
you want me baby
- Well hello.
- Hello to you.
- Hello.
- You already said that.
I want a good thing
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- I couldn't help but notice.
- Oh captain, my captain.
- Um.
- Captain Black?
- Oh yes, of course.
Yes I am, I am that.
- Well.
She said she do
- You look just fine.
She says she love me
But I don't believe her
- And you're Kitt.
- Damn skippy, I'm Kitt.
- Whoa,
you look
just great.
- Well thank you.
- Really, really.
- No way.
You guys look so cool.
The black Captain, right,
and Kitt Vickie?
- Well.
- You know it.
- So awesome.
Let's get a selfie.
What.
Oh my god, this looks so good.
Here, put in your numbers
and I'll text it to you.
- I don't really text.
- Old school.
That's so sweet.
Comic book nerds are so sweet.
My girlfriend is so
into comic books.
I got to show her you two.
She's gonna freak the fuck out.
Where is she?
Have you seen her?
She's dressed up as a cowgirl.
I wanted her to
go as Wonder Woman
cause she looks way
hot as Wonder Woman.
But she didn't want to
cause she says she's
done it too many times
and she'd be pissed if there
was another Wonder Woman here.
Blah, blah.
Cause you don't want
to be the same person
as someone else, right.
Unless there's like
a zillion people here
and the odds are
just way too much.
Oh, where is she?
Oh well, I lost her.
It's okay.
Oops.
Look at you two.
You guys are the best couple.
Wait.
Wait right here.
I'm getting my cowgirl
and we're all doing shots.
Don't move.
- Okay.
I want to
- She said we make
a good couple.
- Yeah, yeah, that's a--
- Do you like what you see?
- Yes I do.
- You know what though,
I bet I'd look even
better over there
on the other side
of these lights.
- Oh well then,
we should go investigate.
- So how are the kids?
- Fuck.
Kids are lonely man.
To the millionaires why
We rocking to the stage
I wouldn't know
- Well,
this
seems cozy.
- Uh huh.
- This is crazy,
this right here.
- Don't you like it?
- Yeah, I like it.
But I don't even know your name.
- Just shut up and kiss me.
- Okay.
Take off your mask.
- No.
- There it is.
Right here.
You sure you're okay with this?
- Yes, I'm okay with this.
- Okay.
- You sure?
- Yes.
Yes.
- Oh my god.
Fuck.
Oh my god.
My god.
Wow.
You,
you, you, you are,
you are incredible.
You're incredible.
- So you are you
captain, my captain.
- I don't,
what's your name?
- Kitt Vixxen.
- Okay, funny.
Funny, funny, funny.
My name's Mike.
What's your real name?
- My what?
- What.
What's your alter ego?
- You know, I'm thirsty.
I'm gonna go get a drink.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Alright.
What the fuck just happened?
Yabba dabba dooie.
She drove off to Chino
As she done me wrong
Gonna jump in the lake
As our cannon ball
With things get to fake
I pull back the skin
Poor me
Poor me
Poor me
Poor me
Did I fucking dream that?
Nope.
I did not.
- I got a birthday.
- Yabba
dabba do.
- No guacamole.
- Captain Black.
Captain Black.
If you're ever in danger
There's no need to hide
For there's dark stranger
Who will stand by your side
He's a leader of justice
Leader of the pack
They call him the captain
Captain Black
He will right
every wrong here
He will take a stand
He will always
be strong dear
For his fellow man
He'll run through a desert
Crawl through hell and back
Just call for the captain
Captain Black
Just call for the captain
Captain Black
Just call for the captain
Captain
Black
I'm feeling good
I'm feeling fine
Thinking of you
Fine
I'm going for a fucking run.
I'm going.
I'm going.
I'm going.
Oh fuck.
Holy shit.
Oh my god.
Jesus.
Good luck with this shit.
Fuck me.
Holy hell.
Holy hell.
Oh my God.
- Yo.
Sarge.
- Yo.
- There he is.
What's up sergeant?
- Good evening.
- Was I right, or was I fucking right?
- You were, you were
absolutely right.
Yes. - I tried to clean up
for like three hours straight,
didn't even make a dent in the place.
- That was, that was.
- Yeah, off the charts.
It's the best party ever.
- Off the charts,
off the chain,
off the rails,
off the hook.
Why were you
calling me sergeant?
- That's who you were, right?
Sergeant Blackstar or
something like that?
- No, no, no, no,
captain, Captain Black.
- Ah, right, right, right.
- Well thank you very
much for inviting me
and talking me into that.
I had a blast man.
That was a blast.
- Dude, I'm just happy you came.
That was awesome.
Did you get wasted?
- No, I had a couple beers.
- Yeah.
Did you meet any felines?
- Felines?
I was gonna ask you.
There was a,
there was a Kitt Vixxen there.
- Yeah. There were a lot
of vixens there, dude.
- No, no, no, no.
Kitt Vixxen is a character
from the same comic as me,
as Captain Black.
- No.
I don't know man.
I was like three shades of shitfaced.
- So you don't know who she was?
- No, sorry.
- I figured.
- I mean did you get her info?
- No, no, no, she split
before I even got her name.
- She smoking?
- Grass?
- No, not smoking
grass, whatever.
Everybody was smoking.
No, smoking hot.
- Oh yeah, oh god yes.
Oh, that smoking.
Yes very much so.
Very much so smoking.
- Okay.
So you hook up?
Did you hook up?
Did you?
You did, didn't you.
Good.
Dude, I need details.
- No, I don't do details.
- Ripoff.
- Yo, caveman.
That drink order up.
Oh, hi Mike.
- Oh hey, Kris.
- Hot plates coming through.
- Recovering?
- Recovering from the party?
- Uh huh.
- No, I'm good, I'm good.
I went for a jog actually.
- Oh.
Had to sweat off that girl
with the cat ears
and that tight body suit, huh.
- What?
- I saw you talking
to that hottie.
Hey Flintstones, these drinks aren't
gonna make themselves. - I'm on it.
- Do you know her?
- No, I never saw her before.
She's pretty.
- Yeah.
- What's her name?
- Good question.
- No name?
Scandalous.
- Okay, I'll be in the office.
- Alright man,
but I want the skinny on the shit dude.
I'm not pussyfooting around.
I want the real nitty gritty.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
I got you a cornucopia.
They're giving them
away at the store.
There you go.
Here you go.
Here I go.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I would have invited Brie,
I'm sure they have plans.
- He said he was
playing basketball.
Hoops he said.
But you know, I'm not
buying that for a second.
Basketball?
- What makes you say that?
- Well he hasn't played
basketball for ages.
And the YMCA?
Like I'm not even sure that he
still has a YMCA membership.
- But why would he lie?
I mean like who
lies about the YMCA?
- Exactly.
This is so--
- It's so.
I don't know.
I smell a rat.
- Hey, I got a birthday.
- Oh thank god.
- Alright, you guys ready or
what motherfuckers? Fuck yes.
Fuck yes.
We'll light it there,
we'll light it there.
Happy birthday
Pochita
Birthday party is for you
Happy birthday
To our amiga
Happy birthday is to you
Babaloo
- Thank you.
- Yes, of course.
Yes.
Thank you.
Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
Birthdays,
birthdays are great.
- Thank you.
- What's your name?
- Maria.
- Happy birthday, Maria.
- Thank you.
- My name's Mike.
My name's Mike.
- Okay, well, thanks Mike.
- Of course.
- Great.
- Cheesecake's on the house.
- Thank you.
- That's very sweet.
- They don't make cheesecake
the way they used to.
Well.
Happy birthday again.
- Thank you again.
- So how old are you anyway?
- 17.
- That's right.
No more sweet 16.
- And
never been kissed.
- Quiet.
- You okay boss?
- Yes?
- Mike?
- Yes.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm
good, I'm good.
I got a little queasy.
I'm sorry.
- Can I come in?
- Of course,
yeah, I'm sorry.
- You okay Mike?
- I'm good.
I just got a little queasy.
- Do you know
what times it is?
- Time?
No, why?
- Mike.
- It's after 11.
That's fine.
- Mike, we haven't seen you
for two fucking hours.
I have been doing
all of your shit.
Counting drops,
cutting people,
checking the side work,
what the fuck are
you doing down here?
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
I'm fine.
Everything's fine.
But are you okay?
- I'm good.
I'm good.
- Are you sick?
- Yeah, you know I did.
I got sick.
I was.
But it's over now.
- Michael.
What the hell is going on?
- Can we talk?
- Of course.
- Okay.
- Well?
- The what?
- Do you want to talk?
- Oh Jesus yes.
Can we?
Can we?
That would be great.
- So let's talk.
- Yeah, okay.
Only--
- Only what?
- Only,
not right now.
Can we talk later?
- You know we can Mike.
- Yeah, like maybe tomorrow.
- Tomorrow is fine.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Fuck, holy shit.
Is everything okay out there?
- Everything is fine.
- Oh my god.
- I took care of everything.
- It's 11:11, is everyone gone?
- Everyone but Jake.
He's just closed up.
But you need to lock up.
You do know that, right?
- Yeah, of course.
Of course.
Of course.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- So you're gonna,
you gonna be alright?
I can leave you alone?
Okay.
- Of course.
I'll go with you.
So Kris.
- Mike.
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.
- We'll talk.
- Of course, babe.
We can talk about
anything you like, okay.
I'm here for you.
We can talk now if you'd like.
- Tomorrow.
I'll buy you a drink.
- After tonight,
you owe me a bottle.
Yabba dabba doobie
- Hey,
I got a birthday.
- That's right,
no more sweet 16.
- Scandalous.
- That's a
cool outfit bro.
- Do you
like what you see?
- Oh my god.
So good.
Here, put in your numbers
and I'll text it to you.
- Oh, I don't normally text.
- Old school.
That's so sweet.
I
Know how to hit the road
Know how to go it alone
Down some dark
Highway
But I
I ain't been here before
Some southern bound platform
My love gone away
- Good morning.
- Morning.
It's like somebody else
is at the wheel driving
500 tons of steel
And that's as half
as heavy as my heart
And I
Can hear the trains cry
Now I finally know why
It's the most lonesome
Sound
Yeah I
I know why the trains cry
They're leaving with goodbye
They can't just turn around
This
This is the life I picked
And this is the
love I can give
But it's always
heading out of town
Yeah, somebody else
is at the wheel
Timed like a thief
coming and stealing
Take me away from
where you are
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Nice day.
- Yeah.
- So.
- Yeah?
- So I don't really know what
to, to say here.
- I don't either.
- That was nuts.
- Yep.
- That was just crazy.
That whole night.
Really.
Everything that night,
that kind of thing doesn't
happen to me or with me.
I just, I don't do that
kind of thing.
Do you?
- No.
- That's great.
I mean that's cool.
You just seem so-
- So what?
- I don't know, so
smooth,
experienced,
self-assured.
And I just wondered if maybe
you know,
this wasn't something
new for you.
- Well it was.
- You and me both.
- So.
- So.
- So do you have any
questions for me?
- Questions?
No.
No, I just,
I just hope we're cool.
Are we?
- Are we cool?
- Yeah, are we?
- Look,
I'm late.
- Okay.
I'm sorry, I don't
want to keep you.
I just wanted to talk.
- No.
No, I'm late.
- Okay, that's fine.
I'll just, take care
of yourself I guess.
- Mike.
I'm late.
- Oh Jesus Christ.
- Yeah.
- Okay, so
how do we,
how do you want to
proceed?
- I don't know.
- How can I help?
- I don't know, I don't know.
Okay, this is new to me.
Kind of new waters, you know.
- Of course, of course.
- Well have you,
have you
considered
what are you considering?
- I have no clue.
This is not what I had in mind,
not what I had in
mind that night,
not what I had in mind
for my life for right now.
Okay, this was not a part
of the plan, you know.
- I understand.
- I mean I can't have a kid.
Right now?
Are you fucking kidding me?
No way.
But I can't tell
my parents either.
They'd pitch a fit.
This is just so fucked up.
This was not supposed
to happen to me,
not like this.
- Have you looked into a,
a procedure?
- I need to get my
parent's permission
in order to get an abortion.
Unless I want to go see a judge.
And that's not gonna happen.
- Well what about me?
Can I help?
- You?
Help, seriously?
You're my fucking
statutory rapist,
what the hell can you do?
You've done quite
enough already,
don't you think.
- Right.
Right.
- I'm sorry.
Okay, I'm just,
I'm just kind of freaking
out over here, you know.
- Oh I know.
Trust me, I know.
- Look, I got to go.
- So Maria--
- Yes, Mike?
- This is all pretty
delicate, you know.
I mean--
- I get it.
- I mean I want to be
there for you, but--
- I know.
- This.
- It's okay.
You just can't right now.
I get it.
- Do you have someone,
do you have someone to help you?
- I'm a big girl.
I'll be fine on my own.
And Mike,
you,
you were
good
as Captain Black.
See ya.
- Oh my god.
Lord help me.
- Hello?
- Hi.
Hi.
- Hi.
Well come in.
- Thanks.
- Can I get you some
water or something?
- No, thanks.
I'm fine
- Oh, sit down I guess.
- Give it to me.
- No mine.
- Just give me a minute.
- Mine, give it to me.
- Mine.
Mine, give it to me.
- Hey, no, no, don't.
Uncle Mike is here
and I need to talk to him
in private for a minute.
So just give me a second, okay.
I'll be back.
- The place looks great.
- Thanks.
- How are the kids?
- Mike.
- You know, this year
would have been their
50th wedding anniversary.
- I'm aware of that.
- Do you remember,
remember a long time ago,
I told you that,
that we should see
each other more often.
I was afraid that
when we did
that it would be bad.
It would be because
of something bad.
Do you remember that?
- I remember that.
- This might be bad.
- Okay.
- I might be in trouble.
- Okay.
- I met a girl, and
I think she might be pregnant.
- Okay.
- The thing is,
when we met,
she didn't,
I never asked her
how old she was.
- What?
- And I--
- Oh my god, what
the fuck, Mike?
- I thought about what happened to you.
- What the fuck are you saying?
- That I felt awful.
- You felt awful?
- I did.
I felt awful.
Of course I felt awful.
- How can you come in my house with
this and you tell me to feel bad?
- I'm sorry.
- You tell me this.
- I didn't know what to do.
- You abandoned me, Mike.
You just left me.
I was horrified
and I felt alone,
and you just left me.
- I didn't know.
I didn't know what to do.
- Fuck you.
Get out of my house.
- No, I'm not gonna
get out of your house.
I want to talk to you.
- No, I'm not talking to you.
Get out of my house.
You cannot talk to me.
I am not here for you.
Get out of my house right now.
- No.
I'm not, I'm not leaving.
I'm standing right here.
- No, go.
- I'm right here.
- Go.
- I'm right here.
- Get out.
Get out.
- Fine.
- Out.
- Fine.
- Out of my house.
- I'm going.
- Yeah, come in.
- We're not gonna do this again.
Holy shit.
- You're telling me.
- She did not that young.
- Nope.
She did not.
- And now it's like,
what can you do?
I mean this is--
- Don't I know it.
- And she says she has
to talk to her parents?
Or a judge?
- I don't want to
think about a judge.
- You tell anyone else?
- My sister.
- You're kidding?
- Nope.
- Jesus.
How'd that go?
Wow.
- The girl,
she called me a rapist.
- What?
- She--
- That's bullshit.
Mike, I saw it.
- I know.
- That fucking little bitch.
I mean I saw it.
I saw it Mike.
I didn't see it, but--
- That's not what I mean.
- She was coming on to you all night long.
- That's not what I mean.
- Well what the
fuck do you mean?
- I mean
that's not what she meant.
I mean she
understands
the sensitivity of
the situation.
She gets it.
- Oh, she gets it?
- Right.
- Great.
She gets it.
Fat fucking lot of
good that does for us.
Mike, I am here for you.
- I know.
- I just don't
know what I can do.
- I know.
- I don't know if there's
anything I can do, you know.
- I know.
I know.
- It's like we're fucked.
- It's like I'm fucked.
- Yeah. You're right,
I didn't want to say anything.
It's like you're fucked.
Yeah.
It's your own fault.
You looked pretty
hot in that outfit.
You're a good man.
Don't forget that.
- Thanks.
- Don't do that, I am
telling you something.
You
are a good man.
Don't sing
Waiting
Wishing for a sleep
that won't come
I need a peaceful
wind to blow
And push me along
Searching
Wondering
I'm lost in this maze
I've got to
disappear these days
To find my place
The noise of the
world gets louder
The walls in my
heart climb higher
Maybe someday
I'll touch the sky
- Well,
I'm not sure how to
tell you guys this.
The thing is,
well I haven't really wrapped
my brain around it yet.
The thing is,
oh I wish you guys
were here right now.
Or maybe I don't.
Maybe,
maybe it's better that you're
not here because I don't,
I don't know,
I don't,
I miss you guys so much.
I wish you were here right now.
It really is so beautiful here.
See you soon.
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
- Hey there, it's Kris.
I can't take your call.
Let me know what's what.
Chow.
- Hey, Kris.
It's me.
It's Mike.
So that thing, the thing
that we talked about.
I think it's bad.
I don't know,
I don't know what's
gonna go down.
But I think I might
be in trouble.
Listen,
you're the only one
with a key to my place.
So if
anything happens to me,
or anything goes down,
hopefully everything's fine
and I'm just making a big
fucking fool out of myself.
Could you just make
sure nothing happens
to Gatito cause
you're great.
And I love you, thank you.
Fucking no idea.
I had no idea.
- Oh go.
You want me to go?
Where do you want me to go, huh?
And what are you gonna
do without me, huh?
What are you gonna
do without me?
What are you gonna do then?
- Please just go.
- Who the hell's that?
What the fuck?
No.
- Mike.
- Son of a bitch.
- Jesus Mike, stop.
- Son of a bitch.
How dare you.
How dare you hit a woman.
Never again.
Get the fuck out of here
and never come back.
You understand me,
never the fuck come back.
- Baby.
- You heard him, get out.
Get the fuck out of my life.
- Baby, I'm sorry.
- Get out.
- Leave him alone. Baby.
- You heard her.
Go.
- Go.
It's okay, Austin,
we'll be okay.
- And you.
Life is too precious.
Life is too fragile.
Be your own goddamn ally.
- Okay.
- Be your own ally.
If you're ever in danger
There's no need to hide
For there's a dark stranger
Who will stand by your side
He's the leader of justice
Leader of the pack
They call him the captain
Captain Black
Oh oh oh
He will right
every wrong here
He will take a stand
He will always
be strong dear
For his fellow man
He will run through a desert
Crawl through hell and back
Just call for the captain
Captain Black
Just call for the captain
Captain Black
Just call for the captain
Captain
Black