Captain Faggotron Saves the Universe (2023) Movie Script

[projector clicking]
[soft music]
[dramatic organ music]
- So, where did all those
those pieces of the body of
Jesus Christ our Lord go, hm?
Surely, they didn't eat
themselves, did they?
- I'm sorry, Father.
I was hungry.
- And why were you hungry?
- I had the munchies?
I was smoking
- The Devil's cabbage!
- I've sinned.
I've sinned!
[dramatic organ music]
- You have sinned!
And now you must pay your
Come here.
On your knees.
That's right.
Now you will take your
[Father Gaylord moaning]
[dramatic organ music continues]
[Altar boy gagging]
[Father Gaylord moaning]
The power of Christ compels you.
The power of Christ compels you.
[door knocking]
Off with you.
[triumphant music]
You should be ashamed of
Think on your sins, boy.
- Bye!
So, I got your message, Daddy.
What seems to be the problem?
- I asked you not to come
here dressed like that.
- Ach!
You and your closets.
I am here for penance, baby
I have been a bad boy.
So, so naughty.
So, what's got you so hot and
You seemed pretty upset on the
- Captain, something
terrible has happened.
My, my ring is missing.
- Stop the presses.
What did the police say?
- Captain, this is bad!
I came by this ring in
way that if some members
of the church found out,
I'd be excommunicated!
- Nah.
- Captain.
- Mm-hmm?
- I got tangled up with
a being named Queen Bitch
many years ago, a creature from
[dreamy music]
Someone might see.
- So what?
- I...
Maybe we can go away somewhere?
- I love a beach holiday.
- I thought somewhere a bit
more, private.
- Baby, I love you.
I really do.
And I'm tired of doing it in
the dark.
I want you to come with me.
There's someone you need to
[muffled dance music]
We're just here for tea.
[dance music]
- Hello!
Such formality, please
stop with this show.
Who is your friend?
Is this the one you've told me
Sir Gaylord, I presume?
- Oh, yes, this is indeed
the one I have spoken of.
- Welcome.
I've been waiting for you.
They know me as The Dick Reader.
But you can call me Carol.
- Nice to meet you, Carol.
I am Andy.
[soft music]
- Andy, I understand that you
are at a crossroads right now.
The intersection of desire and
Is that correct?
- I don't know if I'd put it
that way.
I'd just like things to be
[Queen chuckling]
- Queen!
Dear, how much does he know?
I see.
Andy, what if I told you that
was a whole society of
people just like you?
- Catholics?
- Homosexuals.
- Oh, but I'm not!
- Hmm?
- Am I?
I don't think I'm-
- Men who love in other
ways than having a wife?
- My faith is-
- It's about love.
And love is love.
And this person right here,
this person loves you.
And you love them, don't you?
- I...
That's not the point!
- It's not?
- I can't!
I can't be like you.
I'm about to become a priest.
I do love you.
But I can't, the way you love
- Why?
What would happen?
- Darling, maybe he's not ready.
- But I am ready, damn it!
[both sighing]
Tell him about Oberon.
- What's Oberon?
[Dick Reader sighing]
- Very well.
[voices sighing]
[soft music]
Many years ago, Queen Bitch
and I lived on Oberon,
the second largest moon of
Life on Oberon was peaceful.
[soft music continues]
Love was indiscriminate of
Reproduction worked the
same way as it does here
on Planet Earth.
When a person wanted to get
they would find a sperm donor.
Children were raised in
without the nuclear family
that is so popular here.
Queen Bitch and I were part
of what you might call a royal
We had no hunger, no war, no
All of us, we had enough.
[dramatic music]
A virus came.
There were escape pods, of
They dispersed us throughout
the galaxy.
But there is no way of
knowing where they landed,
if they made it to their
if they have survived.
[wind whooshing]
So now, here we are.
Unable to return home, trapped
on a planet
whose societal mores are
foreign to us.
But I hold a key.
A piece of Oberon's core.
Oberon's history and way of
And some day, when the planets
are aligned
on the sky just so, Queen Bitch
will release the power of the
and this Earth will become
the Utopia we once knew.
- But God, the church, families.
You can't just change everything
like that without warning
That's not right.
- There'll be casualties, of
[soft music]
My sweet.
It's for the greater good.
It's for us.
- I'm sorry.
I can't.
It's not right.
It's also not wrong.
I'm just too overwhelmed.
- Andy, wait!
[dreamy music]
- Queen Bitch is dangerously,
venomously and powerfully,
dripping with sexual energy.
She was going to destroy
life as we know it.
I stole her ring, and
since then, she's after me.
- Thou shalt not steal?
- Guidelines and suggestions!
This ring, this ring is special.
In three days, Venus, Uranus
and Neptune
will all align in the sky.
If she masturbates and comes on
the ring
at the exact moment of the
the Anus of Hell will open and
the demons
of the underworld will be
and sodomize all virgins of
Turning everyone into
[dramatic music]
- Yeah.
- [Father Gaylord] Put it in a
it's the End of Days we're
talking about!
- Sounds delicious.
- I admit, the idea is
appealing, but as a man of God,
I have to fight temptation as
best I can.
- Honey,
in case you haven't noticed,
I try to surround myself
with as many queens as possible.
So if you think I'm going to
help you
with your fucked up homophobic
And yet, I feel I must.
[dreamy music]
[upbeat dance music]
[upbeat dance music continues]
[all laughing]
I was awake since Friday
I really need to go home.
- He's so hot.
So hot.
[dramatic cello music]
[Captain Faggotron breathing
[dramatic music continues]
[siren wailing]
[Captain Faggotron breathing
[Captain Faggotron sobbing]
- Who's there?
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Father, they were
chasing me.
- There, there, my child.
You are in a safe place now.
[dramatic music]
- You're not supposed
to like people like me.
The church...
- God has love for all
And I do like people like you.
Very much.
Come, let's have some tea.
The sun will be up in a few
- So, where did you lose the
Did you retrace your steps?
- I was doing some church
at Crisco Cuties last night.
I went into the darkroom.
I took it off.
But then I saw this Adonis.
I thought I put it back on.
But I was so high.
The details evade me.
- Hmm.
- And then she came in.
And I ran away.
- She?
- Queen Bitch.
She, she, the agony never goes
She was with someone else.
Seeing her just rips my
heart in two. [sobbing]
- There, there.
I'll get your ring back, Daddy.
- But you must be careful.
Queen Bitch is very dangerous.
The planets are on her side
and she has a very powerful
female counterpart.
[dramatic music]
[dance music]
[Queen Bitch laughing]
- Soon the world will be
flooded with...
[dramatic music]
In only three days, the
demons will be released,
to sodomize the virgins,
and all the world
will be flooded with fresh meat!
I swear to you, I'll make it so.
[Maurice whimpering]
Be careful!
- I'm sorry, Queen Bitch.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Well?
What is it?
- It's just, it's just that,
with all this fresh meat,
you're probably going to
want a new table. [sobbing]
- My sweetie.
Come here.
Come here, sweetie.
Just here, come here, yeah,
it's okay.
- With all the new fresh meat,
you'll be able to have
your own furniture, hmm?
Now, my sweet darling, we must
In order to be the most
effective in opening the Anus
of Hell, we must get as close
to the source as possible.
And that means infiltrating
the Saint Sebastian Church
of the Sacred Ass, and being
at the pulpit at midnight.
- Dear Queen, my love.
My light.
Do not be careless with the
And whatever you do, do
not let the Ring of Oberon
fall into the wrong hands.
- Of course not.
Father Gaylord will never
again possess this jewel.
The error has been rectified.
- You know that is not what I
- Oh, Lordess, Queen Bitch
would never-
- Silence!
You speak when you are spoken
to, knave!
The power of the ring is far
too great for any Earthling,
even for the one who is
working with Father Gaylord,
although he's really quite
something. [chuckling]
Queen you know it must
be a being from a moon
of Uranus that activates the
ring's magic.
Otherwise, it is lethal.
- Yes, my Lordess.
It is my duty to activate
the ring, and my joy to live
on a homosexual planet.
[dramatic music]
[both laughing]
Fresh meat!
[Maurice sobbing]
You have to stop with the
jealousy thing.
You're my table.
No one can replace my table.
[upbeat dance music]
[choir singing in foreign
[Father Gaylord humming]
- Can I help you with something?
- Oh.
Well, yes, I feel the
need to confess, Father.
- Don't you usually go to the
police to do that sort of...
- Huh?
- Yes, sure.
I will be there in just a
- Bless me, Father, for I have
It has been five years
since my last confession.
So much has gone wrong in that
I, I'm looking for my son.
Five years ago, there was an
The hospital said he had died.
They wouldn't let us see the
The coroner said it was
too mangled. [sobbing]
I was watching the news a month
And they had a story about
one of those faggot parades.
With the flags and all these
sissy boys
marching down the street,
too stupid and godless
to be ashamed of themselves!
And my son, my boy,
I saw my boy in the front!
Twirling a baton!
Like a girl! [sobbing]
How could this happen?
What did I do wrong to
raise such a faggot?
How can he be a homosexual?
- There, there.
The Lord works in mysterious
- I don't want my son to burn
in Hell
for having a depraved life.
I need to bring him back to God.
He was always such a good boy!
It just does not make any sense.
He was the advertising
executive behind Gay Away!
- Gay Away, you say?
- It's a powder to put in
communion wine.
It cures homosexuality.
It's very popular in Russia.
[dramatic music]
- Um, um...
Maybe I can help?
I can help.
Your son will suddenly see
the illness of his ways
and come here seeking for
If that's for communion wine,
I've got plenty of that.
Gay Away is no sin.
Would you just pass me a few?
- Of course, Father.
[upbeat music, no dialogue]
- [Father Gaylord] Dear Captain
I will meet Queen Bitch
in the cruising zone tomorrow
I must convince her to give me
the ring.
My feelings for her are still
so strong.
I am afraid.
It is what God wants.
Your friend, Father Gaylord.
[upbeat music continues]
[soft music]
[both growling]
[soft music continues]
- Well,
imagine running into you here.
I guess clergy school
fixed you up real good.
Looks like you're cured.
- Leave me be!
- [laughing] No.
[ominous music]
[ominous music]
- Demon!
- Run and run and run.
You can't escape who you are,
[animals chittering and
- I need to talk to you.
- Yeah?
- No.
Stand back!
The, the ring.
- Hmm?
- It's not the way.
- Hmm.
- What if we can be saved?
What if we can be normal?
Don't you want a chance?
- [laughing] At what?
A wife and a mortgage and what?
Why be normal, when you can
be extraordinarily fabulous?
[chimes ringing]
Just come out.
"What would Jesus do?
What would Jesus say?"
we were so good together.
- What if, oh, Christ, have
mercy on me,
what if I were to be with you?
Out with you?
What if, then?
Then, would you give me the
Then, would you leave the
rest of the world alone?
[soft music]
- I'd consider it.
[soft music continues]
[soft music continues]
[triangle ringing]
[Father Gaylord humming]
- What should I do?
Should I take the Gay Away?
- [Jesus] Can you help me out?
[dramatic music]
- Jesus Christ!
Yes, of course!
[soft music]
- [Jesus] Up here.
- Yes, sure.
- Ah!
That does get tiring.
Do you mind?
- Please.
Would you like a fresh one?
- Whatever, man.
- Should I-
- Dude!
You have got to relax.
Just, Just chill for a second.
We have to talk about this ring
And the Gay Away?
I forbid you to take that crap!
- I just want to assure you
that I, as your humble servant,
will do all in my power
to prevent Queen Bi-
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hang
- What?
- You're gay.
It's fine.
I swear.
I swear on my Dad!
Let the planet turn gay, who
- But, but, the Bible?
- Those fucking guys, my
They didn't love me.
They didn't understand me.
The part about stoning,
this is the stoning.
Listen, Father.
You really need to stop
trying to dictate your desire.
It's unappealing.
Just love men.
Nobody cares.
Well, maybe not nobody.
But I don't.
And I'm the one that matters,
And the Gay Away?
I forbid you to take it!
[bell tolling]
[dramatic organ music]
- Why is Jesus rejecting me?
I don't want to be gay.
No fats, no fems, no Blacks,
no long chats, no blah-blah
No Asians, no Latinos,
no mixed, no whites
No Tories, no fake, no
chat, no gay voices please
No plan, no bullshit,
no strings, no sex dates
No you're not the fucking
No drugs, no chems, no tea,
no crap, no face no response
No kinks, no levels,
no fisting, no tops
No one old enough to be my
No pics, no answer
No answer, no interest
No time-wasters, no HIV, no
endless back-and-forth, no TB
No group, no beards
No smokers, no face pic, no
No sunglasses, no burn
tattoos, no couples, no females

No girls, no drama, no
hang-ups, no face no chat
No border, no nation
No messages without pictures
No older, no one over 23, no
one over 25, no one over 27,
No one over 28, no one
over 29, no one over 30,
No one under 30
No children, no pic, no
No money involved
No escorts
No tops, no bottoms
No answer is an answer
No answer, no interest
- No conformity.
- This queen.
Have you seen her around?
- No.
- Wow, that is a big sausage.
Look at you.
You big, sexy meat stick.
You're just the longest
sausage, aren't you?
You just wait until I
get my lips around you.
[upbeat music]
- I'll have what that one is
I hear you've been looking for
I'm so glad you found me.
[upbeat dance music]
- Order up.
[upbeat dance music]
[Queen Bitch moaning]
[both moaning]
[upbeat dance music]
[both moaning]
- So, you must be that Captain
I've heard so much about.
Are you enjoying Daddy?
- My priest?
- My priest.
- We have a purely, [clearing
professional relationship.
But I believe you have
something of his.
- [chuckling] Oh, honey.
Everything I have is mine.
Now, darling.
Play nice.
I can't believe you, of all
people, would fear a gay planet.
- Of course not.
Father Gaylord...
It's complicated.
- I think I've seen you
somewhere before.
A long time ago.
You looked different then.
[dreamy music]
- Well you tell that fudgepacker
that if he doesn't meet the
deadline, not only is he fired,
but he'll also never
work in this town again!
And I don't care if his
wife has lung cancer!
[upbeat rock music]
[Mr. Smith sniffing]
Sally, get in here.
- Yes, Mr. Smith?
- Sally.
Put a hold on that Jew
David Ingleman's account
starting right fucking now!
- Yes, Mr. Smith.
- And, Sally?
- Yes, Mr. Smith?
- Smile more.
It looks better.
- Yes, Mr. Smith.
[upbeat rock music]
- Thank you.
That's all.
[upbeat rock music continues]
Fuck all this!
I'm going to a titty bar!
[upbeat dance music]
[dramatic music]
This isn't a titty bar!
[dramatic music continues]
- Silence!
Come forward.
- I don't take orders from no
Even if she does have a nice
[laser humming]
[Mr. Smith groaning]
[Mr. Smith grunting]
- You are a man in pain, Mr.
Lies latch on to you
like sticky spider silk.
You are but a fragile fly
in a web of falsehoods.
These mistruths, they
eat away at you at night.
I can help you, Mr. Smith.
But first, you will have to
let me break your fragile ego
like an egg.
And you won't let me do that.
[dramatic music]
A great tragedy will befall you.
A terrible accident will happen.
Please stay here with me, Mr.
Please, let me help you.
- You crazy pervert!
You don't know what you're
talking about.
Go get fucked.
Choke on a dick!
- A curse on you, Mr. Smith.
May you be forever tied to one.
Trapped between gayness and
God, to aid him on his journey
and transcendence.
From now on, your sole
mission in life will be
to smash the patriarchal
structures that have benefited
The Ring of Oberon makes it so!
[dramatic music continues]
[upbeat dance music]
[car horn honking]
[Mr. Smith screaming]
[tires screeching]
[car crashing]
[Mr. Smith gagging]
[siren wailing]
[machines beeping]
- The patient, Mr. Smith,
has suffered several severe
including stage fracture
of the homunculus majorus.
We have stabilized him for now,
but he has lost a lot of blood.
The good news is, he is O
and we've got lots of that.
Father, it does not look good.
Please stand by for last rites.
Go to the storage room and
get us two bags of O Positive.
- Right away, Frau Doktor.
[quirky music]
[machines beeping]
[dramatic music]
[machines beeping rapidly]
[Mr. Smith groaning]
[chimes ringing]
[upbeat music]
- Nurse!
I feel fabulous!
I feel great!
[dreamy music]
- Yes.
You have a curse on you, don't
You must help Father
Gaylord, you have no choice.
- How did you know?
- It controls you too.
Or, it has.
I'm sure you remember
meeting The Dick Reader?
And boy, did she read
you wrong. [laughing]
- Father Gaylord has a
picture of her on his wall.
I remember.
But it does not change the
- Doesn't it?
That priest is using the
church as an over-sized closet!
He's running from me.
- From you?
- When I release the demons,
Father Gaylord won't
be able to run anymore.
There'll be no reason to.
No more hate.
No more concentration camps for
the gays.
No more pink triangles
pinned to our chests.
No more shootings in Orlando.
No more Wyoming crucifixions.
The world will embrace men
loving men
because we will dominate the
Father Gaylord can't stop me.
And neither can you.
[Queen Bitch laughing]
- I met Queen Bitch.
She took me to her lair.
Which, I must say, is fabulous!
Her human table Maurice
will come to you tonight
with an urgent need to confess.
But while you are in the
Queen Bitch will sneak to
the pulpit and jerk off
into the Anus of Hell
and release the demons
and turn the whole world into
[dramatic music]
Are you sure we want to stop
- Oh no, she's got you in her
- I am in no one's clutches!
I just don't understand
why we fear a gay planet.
More homosexuals is what the
world needs, don't you think?
- No.
No, no, I do not!
We must find a cure for this
queerness that afflicts us!
- Come on!
Jesus was a total homo.
All these men around all the
And the foot washing?
Seems a little fetishy
to me, don't you think?
And that chest.
Maurice will come tonight.
What you do then is up to you.
[dramatic organ music]
- My children.
My children.
My children, my blessed
Today I have grim news.
Trouble is afoot in our House
of the Lord.
A being will enter Saint
Sebastian's Cathedral tonight
and attempt her way to the
where she will perform
unspeakable and irreversible
at the stroke of midnight
to flood the world
with homosexuals.
[dramatic music]
My children.
It is up to us to stop her.
- What kind of acts, Father?
- Unspeakable means that
we don't speak about them.
Isn't that right, Johannes?
- How will we know her, Father?
[soft music]
- Her beauty, incomparable.
Her seductive eyes.
Her bejeweled slender fingers.
When she moves, it's like a
You will know her.
You must stop her!
- How do you know her, Father?
- Many months ago, I was
doing some important outreach
with homosexuals,
[dramatic music]
urging them to repent.
Trying to save their souls
from the fiery depths of hell.
I met Queen Bitch.
A being beyond saving.
A being with certain power.
In cahoots with a treacherous
- I counseled Queen Bitch for
some months.
Trying to show her the way
of our Lord, to no avail.
Indeed, I did fall under her
But the power of Christ is
And it was by this power that
I was able to break free.
- Is this the weekly outreach
you still do at Crisco Cuties?
- Silence, we don't
speak about that place.
Queen Bitch must be stopped.
If she's not stopped, none of
most of you, will never be the
[bell tolling]
[triangle ringing]
- Bless me, Father, for I have
I have aided and abetted in
and succumbed to carnal,
homosexual lust with Her
Queen Bitch, whom I
believe you know as well.
- I know why you're here.
- Father Gaylord.
Captain Faggotron has the ring.
And he's going to use it.
- Not Captain Faggotron!
- Yes.
He has joined us.
And he's at the pulpit as we
waiting for the Anus of Hell to
But he doesn't know what
the ring will do to him.
- What do you mean?
- The ring is from Queen
Bitch's home, Oberon,
one of the moons of Uranus.
Queen Bitch is immune
to the ring's powers.
But for a mere human such
as Captain Faggotron,
it is deadly.
If Captain Faggotron is
able to work his magic
with the ring, at the stroke of
the ring will fly into the Anus
of Hell,
releasing the demons,
and taking Captain Faggotron's
life force with it.
- Didn't Queen Bitch warn him?
- She tried to, but he wouldn't
- We need to warn Captain
- Father, it's 30 seconds to
I don't think we can stop him.
- We'll have to hurry.
[upbeat dance music]
Infused with queer blood
His dick revealed a special
Destroy all toxic masculinity

We're gonna buck your
Now he drips with
Sexual energy
It's Captain Faggotron
Flirting in person
when he gets a chance
He dances with his pants
Clouds of glitter and
It's Captain Faggotron
It's Captain Faggotron
It's Captain Faggotron
Captain Faggotron won't
destroy your family
But he could quickie
And be sure to set them free
Captain Faggotron
From elastic in Japan
He makes it into small
towns and majesties
Another man
Captain Faggotron
He's gonna save the world
Make it a safer place
For every queer boy
and every queer girl
It's Captain Faggotron
It's Captain Faggotron
It's Captain Faggotron
It's Captain Faggotron
It's Captain Faggotron
It's Captain Faggotron
It's Captain Faggotron
- [Captain Faggotron] Come on,
Come on, demons!
- [Queen Bitch] Wait!
- This is what you want.
[dramatic music]
[dramatic music continues]
[explosion booming]
[eerie ambient music]
[quirky music]
[all laughing]
[all moaning]
[Captain Faggotron groaning]
- It's happened.
It's happened.
We were too late.
Too late.
- I'm sorry, Father Gaylord.
I did it for the greater good.
- I know.
I know.
[Captain Faggotron groaning]
[soft music]
- No more closets.
No more fear.
- Never.
[soft music continues]
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music continues]
I walk the streets alone
in the dead of the night
Follow the slightest crawl
From darkness into the light
Within an hour or two
This city wakes under
unforgiving skies
Turns nightly creatures into
And turns promises to lies
I drown my sadness in a
nice glass of chardonnay
Watch all the strangers
through a blur of cheap cocaine

The face in the mirror
Don't hold on to things
that have long gone
I turn my head to the light
And with the blink of an eye
I come undone
[singing in foreign language]
[upbeat music continues]
Let me be the ocean
That whispers to the
shore of fallen tears
Let me raise my glass to the
Before my kind just sets a
Underneath the night skies of
[woman speaking foreign
Let me be the ocean
That whispers to the
shore of fallen tears
Let me raise my glass to the
Before my kind just sets a
Underneath the night skies of
Underneath the night skies of
[upbeat music continues]