Carlton Taylor Has: Major Problems (2026) Movie Script
1
[ethereal music]
[man] What do we have here,
Joseph?
[man 2] Just look at the poor
kid.
Found him like this, eh?
[ominous music]
He needs help, Franklin.
You can't just leave
him like this.
I've got just the man for the
job.
[firetruck siren]
[eerie music]
[man] Kid!
Kid, you okay?
[man] Kid!
[gasp]
[man] Hold on there, kid.
Why don't you go ahead
and get warm.
[gulping]
We thought we lost you.
[coughing]
[slapping]
Nothing hair of the dog
won't fix.
Joseph.
He ate the whole pooch!
[bottle bounces]
Come on, son.
Grab some embers.
[hands rubbing]
It ain't gonna kill you
to get warm.
Ironically, the opposite is
true.
[trash can scratches]
Boy, you was spliff-ified.
What you celebrating?
Christmas time.
It was almost your last.
[liquid sloshes]
[music]
[unscrewing]
[clearing throat]
Remember,
a man isn't a failure
who has friends.
Amen.
Amen.
[liquid pours]
Merry Christmas, boy.
What's the name, son?
What's the name?
Carlton.
Carlton Taylor.
To Carlton Taylor.
[cups clink]
Yeah.
[Carlton] Merry Christmas.
[music]
[Music]
Oh, you can leave that
flask here.
Yeah.
Think of it as an 'angel tax'.
[upbeat 80s music]
Good morning Mr. Taylor.
Good morning.
You're looking dapper today.
Dapper, Simon?
Hardly. And remember...
...call me 'Carlton'.
Of course...
Carlton.
[Exhales]
There you go, boss.
Look, I like the font here.
But can we put some new stock
photos?
Because this guy kind of weirds
me out.
He's like plotting something.
You got it, Spencer.
Hey, Spencer.
Hey.
Invisible man, I presume.
Yeah, from your lips to
God's ears.
What do you think of that guy?
You're right. I don't trust
him.
Dude!
What have you
been drinking?!
Nothing that isn't all natural
and completely organic.
Whatever it is, just give
me some
because it'll probably help
me with this meeting.
Oh shit, I forgot about that.
Oh. Uh, Louis. Come here.
Take this over to copy
and tell him to make it...
sing?
You got it.
What's this meeting
about anyway?
Our new head honcho
is coming to sniff us all out.
So, you know, Carlton,
that means you're probably
going to get that
golden handshake.
Well, he can keep his hands
in his pockets
because I'm not retiring
anytime soon!
Well, I 'huuured'...
they're going to be
shaking things up and, you
know,
divide and conquer.
So it isn't D-Day.
I wouldn't be so sure.
Oh, geez you.
McCain Mountain Publishing,
this is
Felicia speaking.
How can I direct your call?
Please hold.
I need my sweets, 'Leesh'...
I thought you had your
fill this morning.
Thank you for holding.
Mrs. Wright's extension?
You're incorrigible.
The word is 'irresistible'.
Uh huh. Hey, how'd it go
with the
P.A. from marketing?
Could have gone better.
And that, Peter,
is why Spiro Agnew was known as
Nixon's Nixon in the inner
circle.
[laughs]
Fascinating.
Yeah, so I'm booking to
flights to Prague next week...
[Snaps fingers]
I don't think...
You sure you want another
bottle of wine,
Mr. Taylor?
Last time, you threw up in your
bowl.
You thought it was pasta
fagioli...
and you ate it.
I suggest you hold off.
The Parmesan and
the antipasto
will be here shortly.
Thanks.
Nick...
My guest...
is'a parched.
I could drink.
Mmm.
Peter.
Peter.
Did you know...
that Prague has the oldest
astrological clock in the world?
Will it tell me if
Mercury is in retrograde or
is that just apparent?
Mmm.
Get it next time, buddy.
Listen, my go-to,
give him something to remember
you by.
Like an STD?
I leave him all with my own
personal thing.
You know, give him something
to remember me by.
I can imagine that's effective.
Your place or mine?
Yeah. Check, please.
Sounds like Tina's on a
heated phone call.
She was looking for you
all morning, buddy...
'My Girl Friday' will do
perfectly fine on her own.
That's why she got the big
office.
Isn't it the same size as
yours?
Yeah, but she's got big office
energy.
Go.
Here, turn left.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Archie.
What a mess.
Thank you, Betty Davis.
I have deadlines.
Did you see the latest edition
of Fabrics of Society?
It's absolutely killing me.
And 'Navigating Numbers and
Patterns'...
It's a bore.
It's a book on calculus, man.
My dear Horatio, we're the
stewards of America's
educational excellence.
We don't have time to rest
on our laurels.
We publish textbooks.
You publish textbooks.
I produce tomorrow's
educational excellence.
That must be some good bourbon
you got there.
To be honest with you, Spence,
the past few years haven't been
great.
I don't know how long we're
going to be able to keep the
lights on.
What are you even talking
about?
We're stronger than ever,
'C-Dog'
McCain Mountain ain't moving.
Yeah, but the industry is
changing.
People don't want books.
They hardly want facts.
Did you see those changes they
want for 'Fabrics of Society'?
It's basically lies.
I don't know how long I'm going
to be able to look myself in the
mirror.
No, you're not that ugly.
Oh, you flirt.
You know what I mean.
Listen, we publish textbooks
for all sorts of people
with all sorts of philosophies.
Thank you, George Orwell.
I feel so much better.
Do we work with these people?
Why don't we go ahead and take
care of this meeting, okay?
Whatever you say, champ. Come
on.
'Let's go, Rock!' Come on,
baby. Let's go get them.
Okay.
[Pulsing Music]
[80s Music]
[indistinct chatter]
He's here. He's here.
Yeah, I think we could set up a
business meeting for ... in
mid-summer.
Thank you, honey.
Yeah, I think we could do
something with that.
Oh, Midsommar's over?
All right, let's go with the
Chinese.
Yeah, call them up.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Okay, bye.
Please, have a seat.
Thank you.
Yeah, no, please, it's totally
okay.
Would you like to have
another...
No, that's okay.
Chairs.
What are they?
Oh, well, there are some, we
have some--
No, but what do they mean?
Right.
Do you know?
Stagnation.
You see?
Sedentary inactivity.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Get up, all of you.
Push away those chairs. Come
on, get up, get up.
Yeah, even you, buddy. Come on.
Yeah.
Now, I know it's early in the
morning,
but let's do a little exercise.
Yeah.
Let's have a good day.
Become the tree.
Deep breath in and a deep
breath out.
[screaming]
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Now, tell me something.
Who are you?
Susan?
No.
No?
No.
Who are you?
JW.
Anybody? No?
McCain Mountain Publishing,
yeah?
Yeah?
Yeah?
Who are you guys?
McCain Mountain Publishing.
Come on, guys.
Let's make a symphony over
here.
Come on.
McCain Mountain Publishing.
McCain Mountain Publishing.
McCain Mountain Publishing.
McCain Mountain Publishing.
Louder!
I want them to hear you
in Staten Island!
McCain Mountain Publishing.
McCain Mountain Publishing.
McCain Mountain Publishing.
McCain Mountain Publishing.
Wooo!
Wow.
Wow.
Please, guys.
Yeah.
Sit down.
This my friends...
...is a Big Day!
My name is Hiroto Lambert...
... and I am the new CEO of
McCain Mountain.
[Record scratches]
The world's more connected
than ever before
and mobile content is the
king of the castle.
As a search term alone, the
word mobile has
more than tripled in importance
since 2004.
Beating out laptop by double
and textbook...
Textbook hasn't budged in
search rank in over 20 years.
Managing only to out-trend
burlap, the cotton gin,
horseless carriage.
[Tina laughs]
But what's so great about what
we do is that the future is out
there people.
And it's our job to bring it
in here. Right in here.
And in here.
McCain Mountain's going fully
digital baby!
Tina? The meeting's yours.
Okay, well thank you so much.
That was very informative,
don't you think everyone?
-Who are you guys?
-McCain Mountain Publishing.
We'll work on it.
That was really, really nice.
We'll circle back tomorrow,
alright?
Okay.
Thank you so much. Wow, that
was...
Tina!
This guy's like 16 years old!
Okay, calm down.
Calm down, everyone!!!
We all knew that this is going
to happen sooner or later,
right?
So, there will be changes, yes.
But they're not going to be
overnight, so for now, let's...
get back to work.
Okay? Alright. Thank you
everyone so much. Thank you.
Wonderful.
Good job. You all still have
your job, by the way.
For now, you men.
Carlton, please don't start.
This is amazing, Carlton.
You kidding me?
Finally, there's innovation
around here.
Mass extinction is more like
it.
I'm out! I don't deal with these
negative vibes pretty good.
So, I'll be back...
Burlap. Cotton gin. Carlton
Taylor.
I'll see you at Rudy's later?
You're buying.
[Frantic music]
[Typewriter clicking]
'This is Ground Control to
Major Carlton...'
What you writing, Hemingway?
How long have you been here?
Holy shit, what is this, a
manifesto? You gonna kill a CEO
or something?
It's something I've been
working on for a while.
I just didn't realize I'd have
to get it done so quickly.
Okay, and why do you need it?
To save our job, Spencer.
And maybe my soul.
Your soul? You ain't going
nowhere.
You're Carlton Taylor, Founding
Father, Trailblazer,
Defender of Truth and Justice
and the American Way.
You make me sound like John
Adams.
That guy's from accounting.
Where did you graduate?
Wharton?
Yeah, that tracks.
Alright, so what are you
writing then?
This kid comes into this
industry and treats it like a
widget.
He has no clue about the dirty
underbelly of textbook
publishing.
Think of Kanawha County.
Ka-na-wha?
Okay, don't worry your pretty
little head.
Our board of directors are
salivating at his
slash and burn techniques for
innovation, right?
Do you think they care about
quality? Do you think
they care about facts?
Going digital is like natural
evolution.
What about libraries? The postal
service? Travel agencies? What
about taxi drivers?
You talking to me?
Oh God.
There are apps for that. They're
not gone. They're just
different.
If anything, McCain Mountain is
gonna be more everywhere than
ever before.
Holy shit, that is good.
On devices that people can't
afford.
Subsidized.
Tracked, you mean.
Made at a fraction of the cost
you mean.
Written by robots and
fact-checked by no one
and the victors can literally
rewrite history.
You literally sound
like a conspiracy theorist,
And maybe I am, but I will tell
you one thing. I'm not
going down without a fight.
I'll see you later, Alex Jones.
They're not making the frogs
gay.
And the cows.
[Smacks typewriter]
[Cheeky music]
[Machines whir]
[Holiday Jazz music]
I'm sorry I'm late.
I'm sorry that I overreacted
today.
Hey Sam, get the lady another
and I'll have a...
-Jack-hattan.
-[Bartender] You got it Carlton.
Where were you?
The office.
And then?
The Hibernian and Shillelagh.
Carlton, I'm worried about you.
You're not holding it
together.
Pish Posh. I have never felt so
focused.
Like a... myopic house-cat?
I edited Animal World last
year.
Well, Slinte, Sam, and...
too near-sighted pussy!
To you and me, my darling.
How long have we known each
other?
Oh... too long for you to
ask that question.
Agreed.
Do you remember that first
semester in college?
We were kids.
And you, you were going to
write The Great American
novel.
And you were going to be...
Dr. Seuss meets Stan Lee.
Ah, with a little bit of Edward
Gorey.
Yeah, and here we are.
Textbook publishers!
-To Archie.
-To Archie.
That man could sell ice to...
Hey, Carlton...
Penguins. I was about to say,
"penguins."
Mmm.
But, this is far more
important.
What is this?
This is how we save McCain
Mountain.
Meaning?
We have to build a better
mousetrap.
What is this?
We need to keep making books,
Tina.
Hard books, soft books, big
books, little books, all the
beautiful books.
You know I love you.
I love you too, which means
there's a 'but' coming.
But...
Ugh...
McCain Mountain is going fully
digital.
No bifurcation, no denial, just
acceptance. Okay?
I think you missed a few steps
there.
Another drink with me?
Yeah?
No, I have no...
No? Why?
I have to go.
Where are you going? Why?
You just got here.
You just got here.
I have a child and a husband
to go home to.
Yes.
Sure.
You should get some rest.
Yeah.
And eat something.
Mmm-hmm.
Something green, okay?
Mmm.
Bye.
Poor Carlton.
Bastard can't catch a break.
He can catch a martini at
50 paces though.
You think that girl broke his
heart?
Norm...
Boy's heart's been broken since
day one.
Nice enough guy but... fuck,
man.
Hope he finds out someday
before he can't.
Wha... ?
[All laugh]
I want to buy a round for
everyone here.
Huh? Huh?
You got it!
I appreciate it.
That's what I'm talking about.
[Chaotic music]
[horns blaring]
Carlton.
He called me Carlton.
Yeah.
You're looking chipper.
A bit of a rough start, but
better late than never.
Do you want me to ring Felicia?
That hardly seems necessary.
Hey Carlton.
If you ever need anyone to talk
to.
Thank you.
Have a good one.
You too, Simon.
Mr. Taylor?
Yes, Felicia.
It's me in the flesh.
Ooh.
Do I have any messages?
Not at the moment.
I'll be in my office.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, Spence.
The damn thing won't open.
It's like it's locked or
something.
That's because...
It is?
Why would it...
Does Doogie Howser think that
offices are too last century,
huh?
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
What the fuck, Tina?
I'm so sorry.
Tell it to me straight.
I found out that Mr. Lambert
made some sweeping changes
this morning.
I'm not happy about it.
And you couldn't have told me,
given me a heads up, instead
of coming here and look
like a complete asshole in
front of everyone.
Even Simon the goddamn security
guard knew.
We tried calling you and left
messages.
I haven't been home.
Did you try Rudy's?
Don't make me the bad guy here.
Thirty years.
Thirty years.
I've been here.
I lost my youth.
I lost my goddamn waistline
sitting on my ass, fact checking
and editing.
It was never about your work.
You do great work.
Hell yeah I do.
Until you don't.
Oh, that old tune.
Give the clients what they
want, Carlton.
It isn't about politics.
It's about survival.
Do you remember?
Do you remember how you got
this office?
You told McCain that I was a
better candidate for the
position.
And I was right.
And you are.
The old man took my advice and
then what happened?
He pulled out a 26 year old
Lagavulin
and three of us finished it
by three o'clock.
That we did.
Because that's who we are.
We work hard, we play hard.
Day after day, week after week,
year after year.
That world has changed,
Carlton.
Hell, that world was gone by
the time we got here.
McCain was the last of those
guys.
And I couldn't have been more
proud.
To work for him.
To do the right thing.
He was...
I know, the closest to a father
you've ever had.
Better than a father.
Better than a friend, a mentor,
an industry icon.
Yeah.
And when he passed, we were
all devastated.
But we had to heal and catch up
to the real world, Carlton.
Not McCain's utopia.
Facts.
Truth.
Educate the world.
I was keeping his legacy alive.
By killing your liver?
You know why I drink.
And it isn't because of him.
And it isn't because of you.
Or you.
Your package will be very
attractive.
No one has given a shit about
my package in ten years, Tina.
It's just a job, Carlton.
You have to get through this.
Move on, you're up.
It's only a job, you patr...
You've left me with nothing,
Tina.
You took it away your--
Nothing!
[Chaotic music]
Simon?
What do you know about Scotch?
[Holiday music]
And this, Simon, is the
Lagavoulan 12.
It is not as good as the 26, but
it is infinitely more
appropriately priced.
Actually, I'm 45.
But I do like them older...
An appreciation for age.
And no tolerance for it.
Garon?
I'm a bartender.
Yes, you are.
Would you please take this lad
to--
Hold on.
Frisky, huh?
No.
To, um,
Staten Island.
Poor bastard.
Here you go, Simon.
There you go.
Bye-bye.
Thank you.
[Fire crackles]
Mind if I rest my bones, young
man?
[Mysterious music]
Sure.
Old timer.
Here.
Sorry, lad.
I can't touch the stuff.
Then why?
Just checking in.
On?
You?
You know me, mister?
Oh, yes.
Very well.
Carlton Taylor...
...Founding father of McCain
Mountain.
Trailblazer.
Defender of truth.
I presume.
Has it been so long you don't
recognize me?
Ah.
I've been 'roofied'!
I don't know what that means.
This is happening...
Curly Sue.
There's only one person who's
ever called me that.
God, I've been druugged...
I've been--
Bartender!
Eh...
No one's coming.
So let's just be two grown men.
Have a nice little chat.
Archie, you're dead.
You're overgrown.
I don't have a lot of time.
What are you doing?
Haunting the Secretary of
Education?
Oh, like that would do any
good.
No, no, Carlton.
I'm here to tell you.
You're on the right track.
Archie,
I just got fired from the only
job I've ever had since college.
Apparently, I'm a social
pariah,
because I like to take a nip
every once in a while.
Okay.
I am a highly functional,
near-alcoholic.
Okay, I'm a goddamn train wreck,
but I have my reasons to
drink.
Believe me, I know.
But I also know something you
don't.
There's a Vatican Library of
things I don't know, Archie.
Something major is coming,
and you're part of it.
Keep strong.
Oh, and ah... kid,
those things you said about
me at the office,
Thanks for that.
Anytime, old man.
Archie! Archie!
Hey! Cheap-skate!
Archie!
[Car honks. Tires Screech.
Bang!]
[Heart monitor beeps]
Morning, tiger.
Oh, hold on there, Hoss!
What happened?
Nothing major.
Little hit and run.
Followed by an aneurysm.
Christ.
Bad timing, too, right?
Because probably could have
used those paid vacation days.
"Et tu, Brute?"
Where's Tina?
Kid's soccer game.
Her turn for pizza party,
whatever that means.
Oof, I'll take the aneurysm.
Well, you sound like you.
Good.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What
the hell are you doing?
Well, if I'm going to be fine.
Okay, well, fine is one thing,
but don't be stupid.
Just rest.
Fine.
Alright, I'm going to head out,
but when you're released, give
me a call.
Do you want me to call anybody?
Does my doorman count?
No.
See you later, C-Dog!
Simon.
Mr. Wiley.
It's okay, Simon.
You can come in.
Head injuries aren't
contagious.
It's just the nurse told me
that visiting hours were over.
So I'll just set this here.
Mm-hmm.
Maybe there's something good on
TV?
[Holiday music plays]
It's A Wonderful Life. I love
this movie!
Yeah, there's nothing like a
holiday
suicide movie to get you in
the Christmas spirit.
Okay.
[Western music plays]
Oh, Gunsmoke! How butch!
How are you doing, Mr. Taylor?
The vitals look good.
You hear that?
You had us worried there.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
I'm sorry, visiting hours are
over.
I understand, Doctor.
You feel better, okay?
Whatever doesn't kill me.
I guess.
Simon.
Thank you for the flowers.
They're very pretty.
Screw this.
Whoa!
Where'd you come from?
You had quite a day, Mr.
Taylor.
Listen, you just get yourself
some rest, you'll be fitter than
a fiddle in no time.
You're awfully folksy for a
city doctor.
Oh, doctors without borders,
you might say.
Now, do me some favors. When
you get home tonight, no
late night news cycles, heavy
carb diner dashes, no booze.
How did you know?
Eh, chalk it up to city livin'.
Wait a second.
Here we go.
Oh, I like this show.
That's better.
Now, sleep. Here.
This'll help.
What is that?
Come now. You can trust me,
Carlton.
I'm a doctor.
For now.
Oh, what is... What does that
mean?
Ho, ho, ho.
Nighty night, sweet prince.
[Melancholy holiday music]
I hung my stocking by the fire
and wrote a letter just today
I tried to smile for mama, but
it's hard when dad's away
The lights are glowing on the
tree and carols fill the air
But I'd trade every present
just to see my father there
Well...
Oh. What do we have here?
Did you draw this?
Are you sure?
This isn't Pablo Picasso?
No, I drew it.
Who are they?
The Ka'Tareen ... but we're not
sure if they're friendly yet.
Oh. Is that Major?
Major was sent by The
Collective to
investigate why The Ka'Tareen
is in our solar system.
You came up with all this by
yourself?
No, Major told me.
Wow. Major has quite the
imagination.
Everyone's coming to Christmas.
Right?
We have a pretty packed
Christmas Eve. We have Grandma
and Grandpa and Uncle Tim and
Ellie and Auntie Margo.
Daddy?
Carlton.
Honey, we talked about
this. Daddy's...
Fighting for our freedom.
Okay. Young man, why don't you
and Major
go downstairs and get out
the cookie sheets?
Christmas cookie! Yes!
Bring my daddy home to me
at least to say goodbye
[jaunty holiday music]
[man over radio] Better wait
for Mom, Carlton.
What?
[Dialogue on TV]
[Cheeky music]
Ah! What the hell, you sloppy
piece of shit!
Hey, there's a new coat! Where
are you going?
Where are you going? You're
paying for this...
Dumb drunk!
I'm the CEO of McCain Mountain.
Cartlon, I'm worried about you.
You're not holding it together.
Going digital is like natural
evolution.
Something major is coming.
And you're part of it.
[Club music]
What can I get you, honey?
20 years of my life and a full
head of hair.
One of those days, huh?
More like one of those lives.
How about, um...
Three fingers of Jack?
I can't remember the last time
Jack gave me three fingers.
Tough crowd. I'll be right back
with it, sweetie.
Enjoy.
Bottom's up.
[Music intensifies]
Wakey, wakey...
Sleeping Beauty.
Tony! We got'a Rip Van Winkle
over here.
Twenty Years!
[Sniffing]
Get up!
I said, get up! You know how
much that coat cost me?
No!
More than you're worth...
you worthless piece of shit!
The city's full of scum like
you, only caring about yourself
and your next fix.
[Wretches]
You need to learn some manners.
[Punches, kicks and yells]
This is for my coffee.
I'll make you a new coffee.
For my jacket.
No, I'm sorry.
You piece of shit.
More garbage for the garbage
man.
Stay down!
You're garbage!
The world's better without
people like you.
Scum.
That's not very nice.
[growling]
[Boozy music]
Open up!
Here.
[Grunting]
[Liquid sloshing]
[Pills jiggle]
[Coughing and crying]
[Seagulls and car horns]
Psst. Psst.
Boop. So are you're happy now,
Carlton?
Huh?
Huh?
[Thunder cracks] I said are
you--
Happy?!
How'd you get in here?
[Crying in pain]
It's a little pitchy.
Just go.
Just go.
I don't have anything.
I'm nobody.
Oh, we both know that's a lie.
You're Carlton Joseph Taylor.
I don't--
"I don't know you..."
[screaming]
Pal, come on back here, pal.
We got this. [crying]
Come on, Carlton.
It's me.
Get out of there.
Why are you doing this to a
freakazoid?
[Screams in pain]
Just leave, and I will not
call the authorities.
The authorities?
You really don't recognize me.
Maybe we should wait for Mom,
Carlton.
-I'm dead!
-You're not dead.
Major?
Well, no fairy godmother.
Get out of there.
Why are you so weird?
I'm weird?
My childhood imaginary friend
appears in my adult apartment 30
years later,
and I'm the weird one.
I see your point.
[panting]
[whistling]
You've done pretty well for
yourself, Carlton.
Swanky Pad?
Yeah.
Spoils of hard labor.
Mori-dad
Come on.
So what?
They give you the boot, and
that's it for you?
Murdered by Jack Daniels?
Yeah.
And Oxy.
How very Judy Garland of you.
Look out there, man.
What do you see?
A city of millions of people
wasting their lives in
a city that someday is going
to forget about them.
You're a ray of sunshine.
I see it as a city of over
eight million stories.
Imagine it, man.
In every window a unique story
waiting to be told.
You know what?
You're right.
I've never seen it that way.
You're mocking me, aren't you?
Oh, no. No, I see it.
Out there, I see the high school
sweethearts who got together,
and they're so
codependent, they don't realize
they're 100% incompatible.
Or over here, the 20-something
year old lawyer who is so
knee-deep in debt because
his only goal is to make sure
that his
parents love him more than
his athletic brother.
Okay, okay, you finished?
No.
You know what?
You want a story?
Here's a story.
Middle-aged man wakes up one
day to find out he is
obsolete, defunct.
No family, no job.
No friends.
It's like Schrodinger's cat.
Is he alive or is he dead?
His entire existence rendered
futile.
And here it is, my entire
life story revealed.
A divine comedy.
Here's the problem.
You don't remember who you are
at all.
I do.
You don't shit.
After the week that I've had,
you are some souped-up
pseudo-guardian angel come to
show me the error of my ways.
Oh, thank you, Jesus.
No, you know what you are?
You are a chemical reaction to
"too much pills and liquor"!
Or maybe I'm just here for you,
buddy.
You're imaginary.
You're impolite.
You know what, enough of this.
I am going to go and I'm going
to take a shower and I'm
going to call a therapist.
But the friend can't help you
now, Carlton.
Your mother has become a--
I'm not going to engage.
-Hey.
-Hmm?
Why do you think I'm here?
[Strange growl]
You hear that?
Whatever.
What is that?
Ain't that queerer than a
football bat?
You can't say shit like that.
Queerer than a box of birds?
Wait.
Are you the doctor from the
other day?
Look at you talking to me.
Whatever this is, less of it.
Whatever you say, master.
Yes, that.
[Low growl]
What do you think that is?
It's an elevator.
It's made of metal.
And people go up and down in
it.
Dick.
Idiot.
I missed you, kid.
Fine.
What are you hear?
Ka'Tareen.
That's not a word.
You really don't remember
anything, do you?
Magna Carta, signed June 15th,
Declaration of Independence,
August 2nd, 1776.
Most people don't remember that
one.
Last time you got laid, Fall
Dick.
Doctor.
Doctor.
Just listen.
Fine.
[Elevator dings. Door opens.]
[Whooshing sound]
What did you do?
Don't do that.
I'm just as surprised as you
are.
Surprised?
I am terrified.
[Elevator ramps up.]
[Grunting]
[Supernatural sounds]
You come down from there!
You come down here.
Up here?
[Time travel music]
[Elevator speeds]
[Elevator slows]
That was awesome.
You are deranged.
A figment...
Of your imagination.
[Door snaps open]
[Magical Whoosh]
Is it safe?
I don't know, Marathon Man.
Come out of there and find out.
[Moaning]
[Magical Whoosh]
Yeah, not weird.
You're looking spry.
Huh. No pain.
This looks...
[Sniffs air]
Familiar.
Yeah.
We shouldn't be here.
[Metal rings]
Where's the damn elevator?
Oh, we're calling that an
elevator now?
I don't know what you're
talking about.
Just come and find the damn
door.
Well, maybe the elevator
brought us here for a reason.
There's a lit path and
everything.
Hey, Major, have you ever had
dj vu?
Nope.
Huh.
I remember this.
[Distant sirens]
[Firetruck sirens]
[Magical whoosing]
Hey, I found something.
Whoa.
[Otherworldly music]
We gotta keep moving!
[Loud alarms]
[warped voice] Carlton...
I'll turn the wheel.
You work the dogs!
What do you mean?
The levers!
The levers!
Okay.
[Grunting]
Major.
Just focus, okay.
[Grunting]
[Pressure releases]
[Crying out]
[Grunting]
[normal voice] What the heck?
Shh.
Is this some kind of Ridley
Scott fever dream?
I can't believe we're here.
You know this place?
[Loud door]
Uh-oh.
That's not good.
Where are we?
Intergalactic Transport Zulu
2208 of The Collective.
[Ominous music]
Now you're just making shit up.
I wish I was.
[Growling]
...and that is a Ka'Tareen!
There is no such thing as a
Ka'Tareen!
[Grunting]
Come on, man.
There's no such thing as a
Ka'Tareen... or The Collective
for that matter.
Tell him that.
What do we do?
You tell me! You created them!
Okay. Okay. Um--
Think, think, think.
What's the one thing that kept
you from being scared as a kid?
You--
No, not me at night.
When you were alone...
When you got scared and your
parents were away and a storm
would come up.
I don't remember after the
fire.
What's the one thing that made
you feel safe, like nothing
could harm you?
[Louder growling. Door banging]
Think, Carlton! For our sake,
think!
Dogs.
Not dogs.
Dog.
My dog, Duke.
My family dog.
[Louder growls. Door banging]
[Howling]
[Building music. Barking]
[Ka'Tareen cries in pain]
[Barking. Door breaks open]
[Hopeful music]
[Laughing]
Good job, Duke.
Good boy.
Good boy.
[Laughing]
Good old Duke.
Good boy.
[Magical whooshing]
Major, where's Duke?
Dead, Carlton.
He's been dead over 30 years.
Then what was this all for?
Does it make you feel better
to know I'm worried?
No, it wouldn't. You're
supposed to be helping me.
It's your perception.
I can't do anything.
So you're telling me...
I'm not in control.
That my hero...
Imaginary friend.
Different skill set.
Is a big fat fraud.
Does this sound like fraud to
you?
[Steady heart beat]
No.
[Loud crash]
Oh! What fresh hell is this?
[impersonates Stallone] Only one
way to find out.
I imagine.
None of that.
[Magical whoosing]
Carlton!
Well, howdy there.
You're early, Carlton.
Hair of the dog. We should go.
Hey, stranger.
Hello.
[Loud sniffing]
Smells like money.
Major money.
My favorite cologne.
Hey, big boy.
Hello.
Daddy like.
You're so bad.
I'm modern.
For the oldest profession.
Who's your friend Carlton?
Nobody.
All's gold by me.
You always pay your bits up
front.
Diamond Lou here.
Thems my gals.
You got the means to dance,
lad?
My pop-n-lock is on point.
He means the horizontal mambo.
Is that legal in Texas?
Yes.
Have a shot, Carlton. On the
house. I've been stockin' the
finest for you.
The 26.
You know what?
I don't need it.
-[loud piano bang]
-[crowd gasps]
Hallelujah!
Something strange going on.
How'bout you, fella?
Well, never had a shot before.
Be my guest.
A toast!
To uh, where are we?
Reddington River.
To Reddington River...
May well never run dry.
-[crying out in pain]
-[magical whoosing]
[Western music]
-[horses galloping]
-[banditos whooping]
[cowboys hoopin' and hollerin']
Vaya con Dios, Carlton.
Yeah. Don-don!
Whoo!
We're in a western, Carlton.
A proper western.
Sure.
Hellsian days of dysentery,
gangrene and chronic syphilis.
And everything's wrong.
What?
This is...
West-ish?
Ten gallon hat.
Hollywood invention.
And that?
Only the sheriff got to have a
gun.
Everybody else got a token.
Kinda like, coat check!
That's right, partner.
It's the law.
Are you on something?
Just feelin' back in the
saddle.
Hey y'all, it's your girl
Chloe.
Living her west life.
Don't forget to like, share
and subscribe.
Yeehaw!
Where are you going?
This is my town now.
I gotta protect it.
With a prop gun?
[Major] You're a prop gun.
[Hawk screams]
You're in my way, stranger.
Now don't let things... get in
my way.
Oh look, a cliche on a horse.
What you call me?
I'm not doing this.
You're a side-winding little
cow patty, ain't you?
Time to move on, Bart.
This don't concern you,
sheriff.
Everything about this town
concerns me.
[Gun hammer clicks]
[Showdown music]
[Romantic music]
[Guitar string breaks]
Fine.
You got lucky.
This time.
-[Horses gallops]
-[heroic music]
Welcome back.
So, outer space and the final
frontier.
What's it all mean?
Oh Carlton, sometimes men are
called to destiny...
and never heed its call.
Never realizing their true
worth until it's far too late.
You and me, we're being
called. Some higher power...
...some unspoken truth that
needs to discover
and then only you and me
can take the reins.
Mainly you, take the bull by the
horns, take the con or give it
to Spock.
Either way, I'm very aroused.
You have no clue what you're
talking about, do you?
That's what I've been trying to
tell you.
This whole time I've been
trying to tell you.
I'm in your imagination.
Nope.
No.
Nope!
Done!
I ripped my pants.
Donkey.
Ripped a hole in his crotch.
Worst week ever to stop
drinking.
Okay, which way to reality?
Sounds like someone's got major
problems.
You have no idea.
I think I have just the thing.
A pocket knife?
Oh, not just any pocket knife.
A rusted pocket knife?
Optimized.
You look familiar.
Oh, why thank you, sir. I have
one of those faces.
Uh-huh.
All right.
What do you want for it?
Um... yer entire concoction.
Fine.
Makes me look like
Hoss Cartright anyway.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Sure.
Nice doing business with you,
Hoss!
You're ridiculous, you know
that?
[woman yelling] Help!
Somebody please help me!
This isn't happening.
You gotta be kidding me.
Come on, man. You just battled
an alien.
My dead dog battled an alien.
We watched.
Come on!
Fine, indulge the madness!
Help me!
[Loud train and whistle]
Have no fear, ma'am.
We got you.
Okay, John Wayne.
Mom?
Well?
Lesser of two evils, I guess.
What are you doing? Have you
ever even shot a gun?
Yeah. Lots!
That's why they made me the...
Balls!
It's not real. None of it is
real.
Come on, man. Are you gonna
help me or not?
Why? It's a delusion cooked
up by a broken brain.
That alien seemed pretty real.
So does the train.
Help me save your mom!
That is not my mom.
My mom is dead.
Help me anyway!
Why?
So I can teach myself a lesson?
Some self-induced
psychotherapy?
So I can be the big hero,
right?
To wipe away 30 years of
disappointment and regret?
Look, man. You know how the
story ends.
Help me change it.
Baby, please.
[Train gets louder]
[Heroic music]
[Train whistle]
[All grunt]
-[Train goes by]
-[magical whoosh]
Hello?
Thank you.
Carlton?
Son of a bitch.
What are we doing here?
At least we saved Mom.
We didn't save Mom. That wasn't
Mom.
I just want to go home and go
to bed.
And you were there?
And you were there?
Screw you, Dorothy.
What do you think's next?
Hopefully a massive coronary
resulting in permanent brain
death.
Sparkling personality and still
single.
Shocker.
Are you there, God?
It's me.
Carlton.
I've learned my lesson.
I will honor Christmas in my
heart and try to keep it all the
year.
I will live in the past, the
present, and the future,
and I will not shut out the
lessons that they teach.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
That's some condescending shit.
[Loud bang]
Oh, I think you made him mad.
I'm an atheist.
That's way worse.
Look at Mr. Caution-to-the
Wind.
I think we've determined that
my elevator's an asshole.
Agreed.
[Magical whooshing]
Okay.
Let's go.
[Explosions. Magical whooshing]
[Gun fire. Grunting]
Where are we, Major?
I'm sorry, kid.
[Loud plane]
I really am.
Huh?
I really am.
[Explosions]
[Screaming]
Go. Go. Go!
Keep moving.
You okay?
Physically?
Come on.
It's not safe here.
I don't think it's safe
anywhere at this point.
-[jungle sounds]
-[gun fire]
I don't think I can do this.
I don't think we have a choice.
Go ahead.
-[distant explosions]
-[jungle sounds]
Go ahead.
Dad?
Who's there?
Are you Charles?
Get out of here.
Before they come back.
We're not going anywhere
without you.
You're brave, old man.
But I ain't going anywhere.
Shh.
Stop!
They'll hear you.
Major, help me.
Can't.
Listen.
Even if I could get out of
here, it's no use.
My legs.
They're shattered.
I don't even know why they're
keeping me alive.
We can get him out of here.
We can get him in the elevator.
I don't think that's the plan,
Carlton.
Carlton?
That's my son's name.
Old man, do me a favor.
Anything.
You do make it out of here in
one piece.
Tell my wife and kid, I love
them very much.
I'm Taylor.
Major Charles Taylor...
...from New Jersey.
Major...
Tell my son.
I love him very much.
I will.
I promise.
Now go.
You gotta go.
Come on, kid.
They love you too.
[Magical whooshing]
What was this all about?
If I had to guess.
Closure.
I had closure.
Two bottles of booze and
a handful of pills.
I'd made a choice and then you
show up.
I told you, I'm not in charge.
I know.
Let's just face it though, I am
no George Bailey and you are no
Clarence.
Thank you.
I'm just saying I have nothing
to go back for.
No Zuzu Petals, no Donna Reed.
I don't even have an
age-appropriate Bob Cratchit.
This Christmas goose is cooked.
I don't know what any of that
means, by the way.
I know, buddy.
I know.
[Magical whooshing]
Well...
...looks like the end of the
road.
-[water sounds]
-[magic whooshing]
Well, this looks right for a
change.
Oh yeah, I forgot about that.
Thanks, Archie.
One, please.
One?
One coin.
One passenger.
Them's the rules.
You sure you got this?
No.
Whatever you are, whatever
this was, thank you.
Anytime!
[Magical whooshing]
[Dramatic music]
[Loud knock]
This must be the place, huh?
Okay.
Okay.
All you can eat?
Tough crowd.
[Ominous music]
My God.
Who's there?
It's okay, Carlton. I'm not
gonna hurt you.
How do you know my name?
That's a long story.
[Crying]
It's okay.
I'm a friend, I promise.
Why are you here?
I wish I could tell you.
You know me, mister?
Oh yes.
Very well.
You should go, I'm dangerous.
Dangerous?
I make things burn.
Jesus.
Language.
Sorry.
They're all dead.
Grandma, grandpa, Uncle Tim,
Ellie, Auntie Margot, Mommy.
It was a defective Christmas
decoration.
[Crying]
I'm all alone.
I'll always be alone.
Oh shit.
Sorry.
Carlton.
The fire...
...their deaths.
Everything that happened...
...it wasn't my fault.
What?
It wasn't your fault.
Here.
I think this belongs to you.
[Magical gliss]
Thanks, mister.
You're okay, kid.
You're okay.
You're okay.
[Magical whooshing]
Are you happy now, Carlton?
Yeah, Major.
Yeah, I am.
[Upbeat music]
So cowboy went to his horse,
grabbed him by the ears
and said, "I said posse."
Man, you've been telling me
the same joke for 15 years.
You ain't heard nothing.
Get another board.
[Bottles clink]
Would you look-ie here?
Hey.
Looking good.
You hit the lotto or something?
Something like that.
For us?
This is good stuff.
You sure get it?
Positive.
Thanks for everything.
Don't mention it.
Joseph?
Yeah, Franklin?
We're back.
Yeah.
[Laughing]
[Upbeat music]
Carlton!
Intelligent boy.
Remarkable boy.
[Laughing]
Thank you?
I don't think they want to see
you.
That's what I'm counting on.
Mr. Taylor, you know you can't.
Don't worry.
We've got this.
You know what?
Give'em hell!
Thank you, Felicia.
So we're gonna reschedule my
meeting for Wednesday.
[Knocking]
C-Man!
Hey, Spence.
What are you doing here?
Nice touch.
Just an office, right, bud?
Mrs. Wright?
Simon, what are you doing here?
Today is your lucky day.
You don't say?
I do say.
Tina, Spence... Facts, truth...
...Educate the world.
Do you still believe?
In the motto?
In us.
In what we do.
Of course.
Sure.
Then let's stop doing the easy
thing.
And start doing the right
thing.
Tina.
Yes?
Aren't you sick and tired
of rationalizing
what this company's become
because you're afraid
they're gonna take it away from
you,
just like they did to me.
Spence, life is more than just
cashing a paycheck, right?
What do you got in mind?
Come with me.
Okay, Jerry McGuire.
I mean it.
Imagine what the three of us
could do.
Fighting the good fight.
Playing by our own rules.
What's gotten into you?
I have a plan.
But first, Simon?
Okay.
[Hopeful music]
Any of you influencers?
You're gonna wanna film this.
Carlton!
Trust me.
Yeah, no.
That's all right with me, Bill.
We could totally do that.
Sir.
Bill, I'm gonna call you back.
Okay.
What's this, Simon?
Mr. Taylor, you're in to see
you.
Taylor?
Ah, Taylor.
Come in, 'what's bussin', my
man?
What's good?
Not much, kid.
We have to talk.
No, thank you.
Here's the thing.
I've been in this business
a really long time.
And I know it's not perfect.
Nothing is, but more
importantly than anything,
Archie instilled in us that
there's a right way
to do things and a wrong way.
Okay, I'm listening.
And the reason the McCain
Mountain
has been around this long is
because each one of us here
has had a passion for what
we're doing.
A friend of mine, he recently
told me
that this is a city of over
eight million stories.
Each window with a hero,
a villain, a victim.
What we try to do here is tell
the story
of the over 100 billion people
who came before us
with the best information that
we have.
It's the only thing that's
given my life passion.
And what you're planning,
I just don't think you see
how dangerous it is.
Mr. Taylor.
Carlton.
Carlton.
You look at me and see a kid
just out of diapers
with lots of money and shiny
new toys
taken over your sandbox,
but I couldn't be further from
the truth.
You shared what drives you.
May I do the same?
Fire away.
That's triggering.
Just kidding with you, man.
[both laughing]
The reason why I had any
interest in McCain Mountain
in the first place is because I
have a dream of my own.
Education for all.
Yeah, I know it's cliche, but I
mean it.
[Tender music]
This is my grandfather.
He immigrated from Japan in the
30s to find fortune.
Comparative peace.
A few years later, he and
his 'American family' were...
...sent to internment camps.
This story may not be news
to you, Carlton,
but for me, my school didn't
teach it.
I found out out of all places
on YouTube,
I was what, like 16?
Everyone wanted to paint over
this tiny little blemish
in American history.
Luckily though, what they did
teach me
got me where I am today, and
that's why when I found out
that McCain Mountain was
seeking a new CEO,
I had to jump on that chance.
And that's great, and
I appreciate that, I do.
But taking McCain Mountain
fully digital
is gonna do the complete
opposite
of what you're trying to
accomplish.
This got boring.
Agreed.
Don't forget to like and
subscribe.
Carlton, let's just go with
them, man.
Let's let Mr. Lambert get back
to work.
I guess you're right.
I guess you got this covered.
Carlton, wasn't it something
you wanted to show,
Mr. Lambert?
No, I'm good.
We'll talk more after
the meeting tomorrow.
I like being challenged,
Carlton.
I'm sure you have some great
ideas.
I don't work here anymore.
I was fired.
Fired?
I haven't fired anyone.
I saw your signature on the
paperwork.
[Quirky music]
Carlton, I assure you, I didn't
know anything about this.
Come to think of it.
The person who told me that
you were fired,
was Spencer.
Is this true, Spence?
I mean, it is only an office.
I'm sure it's some kind of
misunderstanding.
I nearly died!
And now look at you, you've
never been more alive!
Please, let me 'tase' him.
No need.
Simon, please escort Mr. Wiley
out of the building.
Well, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no.
This is bullshit, okay?
I have followed you for years.
Your vision is my vision.
Carlton's a hack, he's a
dinosaur.
Do you really want this
washed up...
alcoholic...
...faggot working here?
[Taser sound]
I got this.
Thank you, Simon.
After I take care of this...
...how about that Lagavulin 26?
Well, that costs $150 a glass,
so how about we do a slice of
pizza?
It's a date.
You've got yourself a real
bodyguard.
Oh, God, does that make me
Whitney Houston?
Thank you for that.
Of course.
Oh.
[Shifting of papers]
You put all this together?
Yeah, it's kind of what I do.
Give me some time with this.
And, uh... Tina?
Yeah?
Can we please put Carlton back
into his office?
Gladly.
[Tender music]
I...
I don't want it.
[Laughing]
This 'ball buster' wants a
bigger office.
It's yours.
No, no, the job.
I don't want it anymore.
Carlton?
I mean, thank you.
But no thank you.
I think...
I have other stories to tell.
What are you doing?
I...
...something different!
What do you mean?
I don't know.
Carlton, what do you mean?
I hear you, Archie.
I hear you.
[quirky music]
Thank you.
Thank you.
So, who do I make it out to?
To the only woman you've ever
loved?
[Laughing]
Fine.
To the only woman I chose to
love.
Better.
Hey, 'T'.
Hey, Simon.
Hi there, sweetheart.
What's your name?
Chloe.
Chloe.
Keeping our boy safe?
These things tend to bring
out the crazies.
Who knew I'd be the Harry Styles
of children's literature?
Look at you rocking the pop
culture references.
He seems happy.
He is.
We are.
You like the books?
I'm so glad you do.
20 years and I never knew he
had an imagination.
[Pulsing rock music]
I wonder what he's gonna
come up with next.
So, who do I make it out to?
Started at the bottom, no one
cared
Took the blows and I was never
spared
Hit the ground, got back up on
my feet
Kept on moving, I don't know
defeat
They tried to break me, I hit
the ground
I lost my way, but I turned
around
Rise again, yeah, don't you
ever slow
Feel the wind, feel the power
grow
Rise again, yeah, hear the
thunder call
Stand your ground, you can't
fall
Walked through fire, took
every hit
Didn't back down, I never
quit
Climbed the mountain, faced
the pain
Fell a hundred times, I rose
again
They tried to break me, I hit
the ground
Scene 42C, Take 2
And, walk in and action.
[Laughing]
Whooo!
Last time. You're gonna do
'The Dance of the Dee'.
From Always Sunny.
Got it, alright.
[Laughing]
One more round, I'm not done
yet
Best I've got is the best
you'll get
No retreat, no turning back
Full speed now, I'm on the
attack
Rise again, yeah, don't you
ever slow
Feel the wind, feel the power
grow
Rise again, yeah, hear the
thunder call
Dont move!
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
[Speaking in Italian]
Welcome everybody.
[Speaking in Italian]
Oh, isn't this the musical?
Oh, sorry.
[Laughter]
I loved it.
Here, this'll help.
I'm just gonna use my finger.
My finger's made of Tang.
What is that?
Capri Sun?
Delicious.
Oh, come now, come.
Rise again
[Upbeat music]
Started out tangled in my own
mind
Chasing my tail running out of
time
Then I voiced that son, you
got the tools
You just forgot the rules
Now I'm back, got nothing to
prove
Turning every setback into a
groove
I'm making major moves
No mountain I can't climb
You're gonna praise, Furr
Fuzz!
Isn't imagination fun?
Rebels in the rear view fade
Got a new plan, got it made
I'm making major moves
Gonna turn it all around
today
[ethereal music]
[man] What do we have here,
Joseph?
[man 2] Just look at the poor
kid.
Found him like this, eh?
[ominous music]
He needs help, Franklin.
You can't just leave
him like this.
I've got just the man for the
job.
[firetruck siren]
[eerie music]
[man] Kid!
Kid, you okay?
[man] Kid!
[gasp]
[man] Hold on there, kid.
Why don't you go ahead
and get warm.
[gulping]
We thought we lost you.
[coughing]
[slapping]
Nothing hair of the dog
won't fix.
Joseph.
He ate the whole pooch!
[bottle bounces]
Come on, son.
Grab some embers.
[hands rubbing]
It ain't gonna kill you
to get warm.
Ironically, the opposite is
true.
[trash can scratches]
Boy, you was spliff-ified.
What you celebrating?
Christmas time.
It was almost your last.
[liquid sloshes]
[music]
[unscrewing]
[clearing throat]
Remember,
a man isn't a failure
who has friends.
Amen.
Amen.
[liquid pours]
Merry Christmas, boy.
What's the name, son?
What's the name?
Carlton.
Carlton Taylor.
To Carlton Taylor.
[cups clink]
Yeah.
[Carlton] Merry Christmas.
[music]
[Music]
Oh, you can leave that
flask here.
Yeah.
Think of it as an 'angel tax'.
[upbeat 80s music]
Good morning Mr. Taylor.
Good morning.
You're looking dapper today.
Dapper, Simon?
Hardly. And remember...
...call me 'Carlton'.
Of course...
Carlton.
[Exhales]
There you go, boss.
Look, I like the font here.
But can we put some new stock
photos?
Because this guy kind of weirds
me out.
He's like plotting something.
You got it, Spencer.
Hey, Spencer.
Hey.
Invisible man, I presume.
Yeah, from your lips to
God's ears.
What do you think of that guy?
You're right. I don't trust
him.
Dude!
What have you
been drinking?!
Nothing that isn't all natural
and completely organic.
Whatever it is, just give
me some
because it'll probably help
me with this meeting.
Oh shit, I forgot about that.
Oh. Uh, Louis. Come here.
Take this over to copy
and tell him to make it...
sing?
You got it.
What's this meeting
about anyway?
Our new head honcho
is coming to sniff us all out.
So, you know, Carlton,
that means you're probably
going to get that
golden handshake.
Well, he can keep his hands
in his pockets
because I'm not retiring
anytime soon!
Well, I 'huuured'...
they're going to be
shaking things up and, you
know,
divide and conquer.
So it isn't D-Day.
I wouldn't be so sure.
Oh, geez you.
McCain Mountain Publishing,
this is
Felicia speaking.
How can I direct your call?
Please hold.
I need my sweets, 'Leesh'...
I thought you had your
fill this morning.
Thank you for holding.
Mrs. Wright's extension?
You're incorrigible.
The word is 'irresistible'.
Uh huh. Hey, how'd it go
with the
P.A. from marketing?
Could have gone better.
And that, Peter,
is why Spiro Agnew was known as
Nixon's Nixon in the inner
circle.
[laughs]
Fascinating.
Yeah, so I'm booking to
flights to Prague next week...
[Snaps fingers]
I don't think...
You sure you want another
bottle of wine,
Mr. Taylor?
Last time, you threw up in your
bowl.
You thought it was pasta
fagioli...
and you ate it.
I suggest you hold off.
The Parmesan and
the antipasto
will be here shortly.
Thanks.
Nick...
My guest...
is'a parched.
I could drink.
Mmm.
Peter.
Peter.
Did you know...
that Prague has the oldest
astrological clock in the world?
Will it tell me if
Mercury is in retrograde or
is that just apparent?
Mmm.
Get it next time, buddy.
Listen, my go-to,
give him something to remember
you by.
Like an STD?
I leave him all with my own
personal thing.
You know, give him something
to remember me by.
I can imagine that's effective.
Your place or mine?
Yeah. Check, please.
Sounds like Tina's on a
heated phone call.
She was looking for you
all morning, buddy...
'My Girl Friday' will do
perfectly fine on her own.
That's why she got the big
office.
Isn't it the same size as
yours?
Yeah, but she's got big office
energy.
Go.
Here, turn left.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Archie.
What a mess.
Thank you, Betty Davis.
I have deadlines.
Did you see the latest edition
of Fabrics of Society?
It's absolutely killing me.
And 'Navigating Numbers and
Patterns'...
It's a bore.
It's a book on calculus, man.
My dear Horatio, we're the
stewards of America's
educational excellence.
We don't have time to rest
on our laurels.
We publish textbooks.
You publish textbooks.
I produce tomorrow's
educational excellence.
That must be some good bourbon
you got there.
To be honest with you, Spence,
the past few years haven't been
great.
I don't know how long we're
going to be able to keep the
lights on.
What are you even talking
about?
We're stronger than ever,
'C-Dog'
McCain Mountain ain't moving.
Yeah, but the industry is
changing.
People don't want books.
They hardly want facts.
Did you see those changes they
want for 'Fabrics of Society'?
It's basically lies.
I don't know how long I'm going
to be able to look myself in the
mirror.
No, you're not that ugly.
Oh, you flirt.
You know what I mean.
Listen, we publish textbooks
for all sorts of people
with all sorts of philosophies.
Thank you, George Orwell.
I feel so much better.
Do we work with these people?
Why don't we go ahead and take
care of this meeting, okay?
Whatever you say, champ. Come
on.
'Let's go, Rock!' Come on,
baby. Let's go get them.
Okay.
[Pulsing Music]
[80s Music]
[indistinct chatter]
He's here. He's here.
Yeah, I think we could set up a
business meeting for ... in
mid-summer.
Thank you, honey.
Yeah, I think we could do
something with that.
Oh, Midsommar's over?
All right, let's go with the
Chinese.
Yeah, call them up.
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Okay, bye.
Please, have a seat.
Thank you.
Yeah, no, please, it's totally
okay.
Would you like to have
another...
No, that's okay.
Chairs.
What are they?
Oh, well, there are some, we
have some--
No, but what do they mean?
Right.
Do you know?
Stagnation.
You see?
Sedentary inactivity.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Get up, all of you.
Push away those chairs. Come
on, get up, get up.
Yeah, even you, buddy. Come on.
Yeah.
Now, I know it's early in the
morning,
but let's do a little exercise.
Yeah.
Let's have a good day.
Become the tree.
Deep breath in and a deep
breath out.
[screaming]
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Now, tell me something.
Who are you?
Susan?
No.
No?
No.
Who are you?
JW.
Anybody? No?
McCain Mountain Publishing,
yeah?
Yeah?
Yeah?
Who are you guys?
McCain Mountain Publishing.
Come on, guys.
Let's make a symphony over
here.
Come on.
McCain Mountain Publishing.
McCain Mountain Publishing.
McCain Mountain Publishing.
McCain Mountain Publishing.
Louder!
I want them to hear you
in Staten Island!
McCain Mountain Publishing.
McCain Mountain Publishing.
McCain Mountain Publishing.
McCain Mountain Publishing.
Wooo!
Wow.
Wow.
Please, guys.
Yeah.
Sit down.
This my friends...
...is a Big Day!
My name is Hiroto Lambert...
... and I am the new CEO of
McCain Mountain.
[Record scratches]
The world's more connected
than ever before
and mobile content is the
king of the castle.
As a search term alone, the
word mobile has
more than tripled in importance
since 2004.
Beating out laptop by double
and textbook...
Textbook hasn't budged in
search rank in over 20 years.
Managing only to out-trend
burlap, the cotton gin,
horseless carriage.
[Tina laughs]
But what's so great about what
we do is that the future is out
there people.
And it's our job to bring it
in here. Right in here.
And in here.
McCain Mountain's going fully
digital baby!
Tina? The meeting's yours.
Okay, well thank you so much.
That was very informative,
don't you think everyone?
-Who are you guys?
-McCain Mountain Publishing.
We'll work on it.
That was really, really nice.
We'll circle back tomorrow,
alright?
Okay.
Thank you so much. Wow, that
was...
Tina!
This guy's like 16 years old!
Okay, calm down.
Calm down, everyone!!!
We all knew that this is going
to happen sooner or later,
right?
So, there will be changes, yes.
But they're not going to be
overnight, so for now, let's...
get back to work.
Okay? Alright. Thank you
everyone so much. Thank you.
Wonderful.
Good job. You all still have
your job, by the way.
For now, you men.
Carlton, please don't start.
This is amazing, Carlton.
You kidding me?
Finally, there's innovation
around here.
Mass extinction is more like
it.
I'm out! I don't deal with these
negative vibes pretty good.
So, I'll be back...
Burlap. Cotton gin. Carlton
Taylor.
I'll see you at Rudy's later?
You're buying.
[Frantic music]
[Typewriter clicking]
'This is Ground Control to
Major Carlton...'
What you writing, Hemingway?
How long have you been here?
Holy shit, what is this, a
manifesto? You gonna kill a CEO
or something?
It's something I've been
working on for a while.
I just didn't realize I'd have
to get it done so quickly.
Okay, and why do you need it?
To save our job, Spencer.
And maybe my soul.
Your soul? You ain't going
nowhere.
You're Carlton Taylor, Founding
Father, Trailblazer,
Defender of Truth and Justice
and the American Way.
You make me sound like John
Adams.
That guy's from accounting.
Where did you graduate?
Wharton?
Yeah, that tracks.
Alright, so what are you
writing then?
This kid comes into this
industry and treats it like a
widget.
He has no clue about the dirty
underbelly of textbook
publishing.
Think of Kanawha County.
Ka-na-wha?
Okay, don't worry your pretty
little head.
Our board of directors are
salivating at his
slash and burn techniques for
innovation, right?
Do you think they care about
quality? Do you think
they care about facts?
Going digital is like natural
evolution.
What about libraries? The postal
service? Travel agencies? What
about taxi drivers?
You talking to me?
Oh God.
There are apps for that. They're
not gone. They're just
different.
If anything, McCain Mountain is
gonna be more everywhere than
ever before.
Holy shit, that is good.
On devices that people can't
afford.
Subsidized.
Tracked, you mean.
Made at a fraction of the cost
you mean.
Written by robots and
fact-checked by no one
and the victors can literally
rewrite history.
You literally sound
like a conspiracy theorist,
And maybe I am, but I will tell
you one thing. I'm not
going down without a fight.
I'll see you later, Alex Jones.
They're not making the frogs
gay.
And the cows.
[Smacks typewriter]
[Cheeky music]
[Machines whir]
[Holiday Jazz music]
I'm sorry I'm late.
I'm sorry that I overreacted
today.
Hey Sam, get the lady another
and I'll have a...
-Jack-hattan.
-[Bartender] You got it Carlton.
Where were you?
The office.
And then?
The Hibernian and Shillelagh.
Carlton, I'm worried about you.
You're not holding it
together.
Pish Posh. I have never felt so
focused.
Like a... myopic house-cat?
I edited Animal World last
year.
Well, Slinte, Sam, and...
too near-sighted pussy!
To you and me, my darling.
How long have we known each
other?
Oh... too long for you to
ask that question.
Agreed.
Do you remember that first
semester in college?
We were kids.
And you, you were going to
write The Great American
novel.
And you were going to be...
Dr. Seuss meets Stan Lee.
Ah, with a little bit of Edward
Gorey.
Yeah, and here we are.
Textbook publishers!
-To Archie.
-To Archie.
That man could sell ice to...
Hey, Carlton...
Penguins. I was about to say,
"penguins."
Mmm.
But, this is far more
important.
What is this?
This is how we save McCain
Mountain.
Meaning?
We have to build a better
mousetrap.
What is this?
We need to keep making books,
Tina.
Hard books, soft books, big
books, little books, all the
beautiful books.
You know I love you.
I love you too, which means
there's a 'but' coming.
But...
Ugh...
McCain Mountain is going fully
digital.
No bifurcation, no denial, just
acceptance. Okay?
I think you missed a few steps
there.
Another drink with me?
Yeah?
No, I have no...
No? Why?
I have to go.
Where are you going? Why?
You just got here.
You just got here.
I have a child and a husband
to go home to.
Yes.
Sure.
You should get some rest.
Yeah.
And eat something.
Mmm-hmm.
Something green, okay?
Mmm.
Bye.
Poor Carlton.
Bastard can't catch a break.
He can catch a martini at
50 paces though.
You think that girl broke his
heart?
Norm...
Boy's heart's been broken since
day one.
Nice enough guy but... fuck,
man.
Hope he finds out someday
before he can't.
Wha... ?
[All laugh]
I want to buy a round for
everyone here.
Huh? Huh?
You got it!
I appreciate it.
That's what I'm talking about.
[Chaotic music]
[horns blaring]
Carlton.
He called me Carlton.
Yeah.
You're looking chipper.
A bit of a rough start, but
better late than never.
Do you want me to ring Felicia?
That hardly seems necessary.
Hey Carlton.
If you ever need anyone to talk
to.
Thank you.
Have a good one.
You too, Simon.
Mr. Taylor?
Yes, Felicia.
It's me in the flesh.
Ooh.
Do I have any messages?
Not at the moment.
I'll be in my office.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, Spence.
The damn thing won't open.
It's like it's locked or
something.
That's because...
It is?
Why would it...
Does Doogie Howser think that
offices are too last century,
huh?
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
What the fuck, Tina?
I'm so sorry.
Tell it to me straight.
I found out that Mr. Lambert
made some sweeping changes
this morning.
I'm not happy about it.
And you couldn't have told me,
given me a heads up, instead
of coming here and look
like a complete asshole in
front of everyone.
Even Simon the goddamn security
guard knew.
We tried calling you and left
messages.
I haven't been home.
Did you try Rudy's?
Don't make me the bad guy here.
Thirty years.
Thirty years.
I've been here.
I lost my youth.
I lost my goddamn waistline
sitting on my ass, fact checking
and editing.
It was never about your work.
You do great work.
Hell yeah I do.
Until you don't.
Oh, that old tune.
Give the clients what they
want, Carlton.
It isn't about politics.
It's about survival.
Do you remember?
Do you remember how you got
this office?
You told McCain that I was a
better candidate for the
position.
And I was right.
And you are.
The old man took my advice and
then what happened?
He pulled out a 26 year old
Lagavulin
and three of us finished it
by three o'clock.
That we did.
Because that's who we are.
We work hard, we play hard.
Day after day, week after week,
year after year.
That world has changed,
Carlton.
Hell, that world was gone by
the time we got here.
McCain was the last of those
guys.
And I couldn't have been more
proud.
To work for him.
To do the right thing.
He was...
I know, the closest to a father
you've ever had.
Better than a father.
Better than a friend, a mentor,
an industry icon.
Yeah.
And when he passed, we were
all devastated.
But we had to heal and catch up
to the real world, Carlton.
Not McCain's utopia.
Facts.
Truth.
Educate the world.
I was keeping his legacy alive.
By killing your liver?
You know why I drink.
And it isn't because of him.
And it isn't because of you.
Or you.
Your package will be very
attractive.
No one has given a shit about
my package in ten years, Tina.
It's just a job, Carlton.
You have to get through this.
Move on, you're up.
It's only a job, you patr...
You've left me with nothing,
Tina.
You took it away your--
Nothing!
[Chaotic music]
Simon?
What do you know about Scotch?
[Holiday music]
And this, Simon, is the
Lagavoulan 12.
It is not as good as the 26, but
it is infinitely more
appropriately priced.
Actually, I'm 45.
But I do like them older...
An appreciation for age.
And no tolerance for it.
Garon?
I'm a bartender.
Yes, you are.
Would you please take this lad
to--
Hold on.
Frisky, huh?
No.
To, um,
Staten Island.
Poor bastard.
Here you go, Simon.
There you go.
Bye-bye.
Thank you.
[Fire crackles]
Mind if I rest my bones, young
man?
[Mysterious music]
Sure.
Old timer.
Here.
Sorry, lad.
I can't touch the stuff.
Then why?
Just checking in.
On?
You?
You know me, mister?
Oh, yes.
Very well.
Carlton Taylor...
...Founding father of McCain
Mountain.
Trailblazer.
Defender of truth.
I presume.
Has it been so long you don't
recognize me?
Ah.
I've been 'roofied'!
I don't know what that means.
This is happening...
Curly Sue.
There's only one person who's
ever called me that.
God, I've been druugged...
I've been--
Bartender!
Eh...
No one's coming.
So let's just be two grown men.
Have a nice little chat.
Archie, you're dead.
You're overgrown.
I don't have a lot of time.
What are you doing?
Haunting the Secretary of
Education?
Oh, like that would do any
good.
No, no, Carlton.
I'm here to tell you.
You're on the right track.
Archie,
I just got fired from the only
job I've ever had since college.
Apparently, I'm a social
pariah,
because I like to take a nip
every once in a while.
Okay.
I am a highly functional,
near-alcoholic.
Okay, I'm a goddamn train wreck,
but I have my reasons to
drink.
Believe me, I know.
But I also know something you
don't.
There's a Vatican Library of
things I don't know, Archie.
Something major is coming,
and you're part of it.
Keep strong.
Oh, and ah... kid,
those things you said about
me at the office,
Thanks for that.
Anytime, old man.
Archie! Archie!
Hey! Cheap-skate!
Archie!
[Car honks. Tires Screech.
Bang!]
[Heart monitor beeps]
Morning, tiger.
Oh, hold on there, Hoss!
What happened?
Nothing major.
Little hit and run.
Followed by an aneurysm.
Christ.
Bad timing, too, right?
Because probably could have
used those paid vacation days.
"Et tu, Brute?"
Where's Tina?
Kid's soccer game.
Her turn for pizza party,
whatever that means.
Oof, I'll take the aneurysm.
Well, you sound like you.
Good.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What
the hell are you doing?
Well, if I'm going to be fine.
Okay, well, fine is one thing,
but don't be stupid.
Just rest.
Fine.
Alright, I'm going to head out,
but when you're released, give
me a call.
Do you want me to call anybody?
Does my doorman count?
No.
See you later, C-Dog!
Simon.
Mr. Wiley.
It's okay, Simon.
You can come in.
Head injuries aren't
contagious.
It's just the nurse told me
that visiting hours were over.
So I'll just set this here.
Mm-hmm.
Maybe there's something good on
TV?
[Holiday music plays]
It's A Wonderful Life. I love
this movie!
Yeah, there's nothing like a
holiday
suicide movie to get you in
the Christmas spirit.
Okay.
[Western music plays]
Oh, Gunsmoke! How butch!
How are you doing, Mr. Taylor?
The vitals look good.
You hear that?
You had us worried there.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
I'm sorry, visiting hours are
over.
I understand, Doctor.
You feel better, okay?
Whatever doesn't kill me.
I guess.
Simon.
Thank you for the flowers.
They're very pretty.
Screw this.
Whoa!
Where'd you come from?
You had quite a day, Mr.
Taylor.
Listen, you just get yourself
some rest, you'll be fitter than
a fiddle in no time.
You're awfully folksy for a
city doctor.
Oh, doctors without borders,
you might say.
Now, do me some favors. When
you get home tonight, no
late night news cycles, heavy
carb diner dashes, no booze.
How did you know?
Eh, chalk it up to city livin'.
Wait a second.
Here we go.
Oh, I like this show.
That's better.
Now, sleep. Here.
This'll help.
What is that?
Come now. You can trust me,
Carlton.
I'm a doctor.
For now.
Oh, what is... What does that
mean?
Ho, ho, ho.
Nighty night, sweet prince.
[Melancholy holiday music]
I hung my stocking by the fire
and wrote a letter just today
I tried to smile for mama, but
it's hard when dad's away
The lights are glowing on the
tree and carols fill the air
But I'd trade every present
just to see my father there
Well...
Oh. What do we have here?
Did you draw this?
Are you sure?
This isn't Pablo Picasso?
No, I drew it.
Who are they?
The Ka'Tareen ... but we're not
sure if they're friendly yet.
Oh. Is that Major?
Major was sent by The
Collective to
investigate why The Ka'Tareen
is in our solar system.
You came up with all this by
yourself?
No, Major told me.
Wow. Major has quite the
imagination.
Everyone's coming to Christmas.
Right?
We have a pretty packed
Christmas Eve. We have Grandma
and Grandpa and Uncle Tim and
Ellie and Auntie Margo.
Daddy?
Carlton.
Honey, we talked about
this. Daddy's...
Fighting for our freedom.
Okay. Young man, why don't you
and Major
go downstairs and get out
the cookie sheets?
Christmas cookie! Yes!
Bring my daddy home to me
at least to say goodbye
[jaunty holiday music]
[man over radio] Better wait
for Mom, Carlton.
What?
[Dialogue on TV]
[Cheeky music]
Ah! What the hell, you sloppy
piece of shit!
Hey, there's a new coat! Where
are you going?
Where are you going? You're
paying for this...
Dumb drunk!
I'm the CEO of McCain Mountain.
Cartlon, I'm worried about you.
You're not holding it together.
Going digital is like natural
evolution.
Something major is coming.
And you're part of it.
[Club music]
What can I get you, honey?
20 years of my life and a full
head of hair.
One of those days, huh?
More like one of those lives.
How about, um...
Three fingers of Jack?
I can't remember the last time
Jack gave me three fingers.
Tough crowd. I'll be right back
with it, sweetie.
Enjoy.
Bottom's up.
[Music intensifies]
Wakey, wakey...
Sleeping Beauty.
Tony! We got'a Rip Van Winkle
over here.
Twenty Years!
[Sniffing]
Get up!
I said, get up! You know how
much that coat cost me?
No!
More than you're worth...
you worthless piece of shit!
The city's full of scum like
you, only caring about yourself
and your next fix.
[Wretches]
You need to learn some manners.
[Punches, kicks and yells]
This is for my coffee.
I'll make you a new coffee.
For my jacket.
No, I'm sorry.
You piece of shit.
More garbage for the garbage
man.
Stay down!
You're garbage!
The world's better without
people like you.
Scum.
That's not very nice.
[growling]
[Boozy music]
Open up!
Here.
[Grunting]
[Liquid sloshing]
[Pills jiggle]
[Coughing and crying]
[Seagulls and car horns]
Psst. Psst.
Boop. So are you're happy now,
Carlton?
Huh?
Huh?
[Thunder cracks] I said are
you--
Happy?!
How'd you get in here?
[Crying in pain]
It's a little pitchy.
Just go.
Just go.
I don't have anything.
I'm nobody.
Oh, we both know that's a lie.
You're Carlton Joseph Taylor.
I don't--
"I don't know you..."
[screaming]
Pal, come on back here, pal.
We got this. [crying]
Come on, Carlton.
It's me.
Get out of there.
Why are you doing this to a
freakazoid?
[Screams in pain]
Just leave, and I will not
call the authorities.
The authorities?
You really don't recognize me.
Maybe we should wait for Mom,
Carlton.
-I'm dead!
-You're not dead.
Major?
Well, no fairy godmother.
Get out of there.
Why are you so weird?
I'm weird?
My childhood imaginary friend
appears in my adult apartment 30
years later,
and I'm the weird one.
I see your point.
[panting]
[whistling]
You've done pretty well for
yourself, Carlton.
Swanky Pad?
Yeah.
Spoils of hard labor.
Mori-dad
Come on.
So what?
They give you the boot, and
that's it for you?
Murdered by Jack Daniels?
Yeah.
And Oxy.
How very Judy Garland of you.
Look out there, man.
What do you see?
A city of millions of people
wasting their lives in
a city that someday is going
to forget about them.
You're a ray of sunshine.
I see it as a city of over
eight million stories.
Imagine it, man.
In every window a unique story
waiting to be told.
You know what?
You're right.
I've never seen it that way.
You're mocking me, aren't you?
Oh, no. No, I see it.
Out there, I see the high school
sweethearts who got together,
and they're so
codependent, they don't realize
they're 100% incompatible.
Or over here, the 20-something
year old lawyer who is so
knee-deep in debt because
his only goal is to make sure
that his
parents love him more than
his athletic brother.
Okay, okay, you finished?
No.
You know what?
You want a story?
Here's a story.
Middle-aged man wakes up one
day to find out he is
obsolete, defunct.
No family, no job.
No friends.
It's like Schrodinger's cat.
Is he alive or is he dead?
His entire existence rendered
futile.
And here it is, my entire
life story revealed.
A divine comedy.
Here's the problem.
You don't remember who you are
at all.
I do.
You don't shit.
After the week that I've had,
you are some souped-up
pseudo-guardian angel come to
show me the error of my ways.
Oh, thank you, Jesus.
No, you know what you are?
You are a chemical reaction to
"too much pills and liquor"!
Or maybe I'm just here for you,
buddy.
You're imaginary.
You're impolite.
You know what, enough of this.
I am going to go and I'm going
to take a shower and I'm
going to call a therapist.
But the friend can't help you
now, Carlton.
Your mother has become a--
I'm not going to engage.
-Hey.
-Hmm?
Why do you think I'm here?
[Strange growl]
You hear that?
Whatever.
What is that?
Ain't that queerer than a
football bat?
You can't say shit like that.
Queerer than a box of birds?
Wait.
Are you the doctor from the
other day?
Look at you talking to me.
Whatever this is, less of it.
Whatever you say, master.
Yes, that.
[Low growl]
What do you think that is?
It's an elevator.
It's made of metal.
And people go up and down in
it.
Dick.
Idiot.
I missed you, kid.
Fine.
What are you hear?
Ka'Tareen.
That's not a word.
You really don't remember
anything, do you?
Magna Carta, signed June 15th,
Declaration of Independence,
August 2nd, 1776.
Most people don't remember that
one.
Last time you got laid, Fall
Dick.
Doctor.
Doctor.
Just listen.
Fine.
[Elevator dings. Door opens.]
[Whooshing sound]
What did you do?
Don't do that.
I'm just as surprised as you
are.
Surprised?
I am terrified.
[Elevator ramps up.]
[Grunting]
[Supernatural sounds]
You come down from there!
You come down here.
Up here?
[Time travel music]
[Elevator speeds]
[Elevator slows]
That was awesome.
You are deranged.
A figment...
Of your imagination.
[Door snaps open]
[Magical Whoosh]
Is it safe?
I don't know, Marathon Man.
Come out of there and find out.
[Moaning]
[Magical Whoosh]
Yeah, not weird.
You're looking spry.
Huh. No pain.
This looks...
[Sniffs air]
Familiar.
Yeah.
We shouldn't be here.
[Metal rings]
Where's the damn elevator?
Oh, we're calling that an
elevator now?
I don't know what you're
talking about.
Just come and find the damn
door.
Well, maybe the elevator
brought us here for a reason.
There's a lit path and
everything.
Hey, Major, have you ever had
dj vu?
Nope.
Huh.
I remember this.
[Distant sirens]
[Firetruck sirens]
[Magical whoosing]
Hey, I found something.
Whoa.
[Otherworldly music]
We gotta keep moving!
[Loud alarms]
[warped voice] Carlton...
I'll turn the wheel.
You work the dogs!
What do you mean?
The levers!
The levers!
Okay.
[Grunting]
Major.
Just focus, okay.
[Grunting]
[Pressure releases]
[Crying out]
[Grunting]
[normal voice] What the heck?
Shh.
Is this some kind of Ridley
Scott fever dream?
I can't believe we're here.
You know this place?
[Loud door]
Uh-oh.
That's not good.
Where are we?
Intergalactic Transport Zulu
2208 of The Collective.
[Ominous music]
Now you're just making shit up.
I wish I was.
[Growling]
...and that is a Ka'Tareen!
There is no such thing as a
Ka'Tareen!
[Grunting]
Come on, man.
There's no such thing as a
Ka'Tareen... or The Collective
for that matter.
Tell him that.
What do we do?
You tell me! You created them!
Okay. Okay. Um--
Think, think, think.
What's the one thing that kept
you from being scared as a kid?
You--
No, not me at night.
When you were alone...
When you got scared and your
parents were away and a storm
would come up.
I don't remember after the
fire.
What's the one thing that made
you feel safe, like nothing
could harm you?
[Louder growling. Door banging]
Think, Carlton! For our sake,
think!
Dogs.
Not dogs.
Dog.
My dog, Duke.
My family dog.
[Louder growls. Door banging]
[Howling]
[Building music. Barking]
[Ka'Tareen cries in pain]
[Barking. Door breaks open]
[Hopeful music]
[Laughing]
Good job, Duke.
Good boy.
Good boy.
[Laughing]
Good old Duke.
Good boy.
[Magical whooshing]
Major, where's Duke?
Dead, Carlton.
He's been dead over 30 years.
Then what was this all for?
Does it make you feel better
to know I'm worried?
No, it wouldn't. You're
supposed to be helping me.
It's your perception.
I can't do anything.
So you're telling me...
I'm not in control.
That my hero...
Imaginary friend.
Different skill set.
Is a big fat fraud.
Does this sound like fraud to
you?
[Steady heart beat]
No.
[Loud crash]
Oh! What fresh hell is this?
[impersonates Stallone] Only one
way to find out.
I imagine.
None of that.
[Magical whoosing]
Carlton!
Well, howdy there.
You're early, Carlton.
Hair of the dog. We should go.
Hey, stranger.
Hello.
[Loud sniffing]
Smells like money.
Major money.
My favorite cologne.
Hey, big boy.
Hello.
Daddy like.
You're so bad.
I'm modern.
For the oldest profession.
Who's your friend Carlton?
Nobody.
All's gold by me.
You always pay your bits up
front.
Diamond Lou here.
Thems my gals.
You got the means to dance,
lad?
My pop-n-lock is on point.
He means the horizontal mambo.
Is that legal in Texas?
Yes.
Have a shot, Carlton. On the
house. I've been stockin' the
finest for you.
The 26.
You know what?
I don't need it.
-[loud piano bang]
-[crowd gasps]
Hallelujah!
Something strange going on.
How'bout you, fella?
Well, never had a shot before.
Be my guest.
A toast!
To uh, where are we?
Reddington River.
To Reddington River...
May well never run dry.
-[crying out in pain]
-[magical whoosing]
[Western music]
-[horses galloping]
-[banditos whooping]
[cowboys hoopin' and hollerin']
Vaya con Dios, Carlton.
Yeah. Don-don!
Whoo!
We're in a western, Carlton.
A proper western.
Sure.
Hellsian days of dysentery,
gangrene and chronic syphilis.
And everything's wrong.
What?
This is...
West-ish?
Ten gallon hat.
Hollywood invention.
And that?
Only the sheriff got to have a
gun.
Everybody else got a token.
Kinda like, coat check!
That's right, partner.
It's the law.
Are you on something?
Just feelin' back in the
saddle.
Hey y'all, it's your girl
Chloe.
Living her west life.
Don't forget to like, share
and subscribe.
Yeehaw!
Where are you going?
This is my town now.
I gotta protect it.
With a prop gun?
[Major] You're a prop gun.
[Hawk screams]
You're in my way, stranger.
Now don't let things... get in
my way.
Oh look, a cliche on a horse.
What you call me?
I'm not doing this.
You're a side-winding little
cow patty, ain't you?
Time to move on, Bart.
This don't concern you,
sheriff.
Everything about this town
concerns me.
[Gun hammer clicks]
[Showdown music]
[Romantic music]
[Guitar string breaks]
Fine.
You got lucky.
This time.
-[Horses gallops]
-[heroic music]
Welcome back.
So, outer space and the final
frontier.
What's it all mean?
Oh Carlton, sometimes men are
called to destiny...
and never heed its call.
Never realizing their true
worth until it's far too late.
You and me, we're being
called. Some higher power...
...some unspoken truth that
needs to discover
and then only you and me
can take the reins.
Mainly you, take the bull by the
horns, take the con or give it
to Spock.
Either way, I'm very aroused.
You have no clue what you're
talking about, do you?
That's what I've been trying to
tell you.
This whole time I've been
trying to tell you.
I'm in your imagination.
Nope.
No.
Nope!
Done!
I ripped my pants.
Donkey.
Ripped a hole in his crotch.
Worst week ever to stop
drinking.
Okay, which way to reality?
Sounds like someone's got major
problems.
You have no idea.
I think I have just the thing.
A pocket knife?
Oh, not just any pocket knife.
A rusted pocket knife?
Optimized.
You look familiar.
Oh, why thank you, sir. I have
one of those faces.
Uh-huh.
All right.
What do you want for it?
Um... yer entire concoction.
Fine.
Makes me look like
Hoss Cartright anyway.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Sure.
Nice doing business with you,
Hoss!
You're ridiculous, you know
that?
[woman yelling] Help!
Somebody please help me!
This isn't happening.
You gotta be kidding me.
Come on, man. You just battled
an alien.
My dead dog battled an alien.
We watched.
Come on!
Fine, indulge the madness!
Help me!
[Loud train and whistle]
Have no fear, ma'am.
We got you.
Okay, John Wayne.
Mom?
Well?
Lesser of two evils, I guess.
What are you doing? Have you
ever even shot a gun?
Yeah. Lots!
That's why they made me the...
Balls!
It's not real. None of it is
real.
Come on, man. Are you gonna
help me or not?
Why? It's a delusion cooked
up by a broken brain.
That alien seemed pretty real.
So does the train.
Help me save your mom!
That is not my mom.
My mom is dead.
Help me anyway!
Why?
So I can teach myself a lesson?
Some self-induced
psychotherapy?
So I can be the big hero,
right?
To wipe away 30 years of
disappointment and regret?
Look, man. You know how the
story ends.
Help me change it.
Baby, please.
[Train gets louder]
[Heroic music]
[Train whistle]
[All grunt]
-[Train goes by]
-[magical whoosh]
Hello?
Thank you.
Carlton?
Son of a bitch.
What are we doing here?
At least we saved Mom.
We didn't save Mom. That wasn't
Mom.
I just want to go home and go
to bed.
And you were there?
And you were there?
Screw you, Dorothy.
What do you think's next?
Hopefully a massive coronary
resulting in permanent brain
death.
Sparkling personality and still
single.
Shocker.
Are you there, God?
It's me.
Carlton.
I've learned my lesson.
I will honor Christmas in my
heart and try to keep it all the
year.
I will live in the past, the
present, and the future,
and I will not shut out the
lessons that they teach.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
That's some condescending shit.
[Loud bang]
Oh, I think you made him mad.
I'm an atheist.
That's way worse.
Look at Mr. Caution-to-the
Wind.
I think we've determined that
my elevator's an asshole.
Agreed.
[Magical whooshing]
Okay.
Let's go.
[Explosions. Magical whooshing]
[Gun fire. Grunting]
Where are we, Major?
I'm sorry, kid.
[Loud plane]
I really am.
Huh?
I really am.
[Explosions]
[Screaming]
Go. Go. Go!
Keep moving.
You okay?
Physically?
Come on.
It's not safe here.
I don't think it's safe
anywhere at this point.
-[jungle sounds]
-[gun fire]
I don't think I can do this.
I don't think we have a choice.
Go ahead.
-[distant explosions]
-[jungle sounds]
Go ahead.
Dad?
Who's there?
Are you Charles?
Get out of here.
Before they come back.
We're not going anywhere
without you.
You're brave, old man.
But I ain't going anywhere.
Shh.
Stop!
They'll hear you.
Major, help me.
Can't.
Listen.
Even if I could get out of
here, it's no use.
My legs.
They're shattered.
I don't even know why they're
keeping me alive.
We can get him out of here.
We can get him in the elevator.
I don't think that's the plan,
Carlton.
Carlton?
That's my son's name.
Old man, do me a favor.
Anything.
You do make it out of here in
one piece.
Tell my wife and kid, I love
them very much.
I'm Taylor.
Major Charles Taylor...
...from New Jersey.
Major...
Tell my son.
I love him very much.
I will.
I promise.
Now go.
You gotta go.
Come on, kid.
They love you too.
[Magical whooshing]
What was this all about?
If I had to guess.
Closure.
I had closure.
Two bottles of booze and
a handful of pills.
I'd made a choice and then you
show up.
I told you, I'm not in charge.
I know.
Let's just face it though, I am
no George Bailey and you are no
Clarence.
Thank you.
I'm just saying I have nothing
to go back for.
No Zuzu Petals, no Donna Reed.
I don't even have an
age-appropriate Bob Cratchit.
This Christmas goose is cooked.
I don't know what any of that
means, by the way.
I know, buddy.
I know.
[Magical whooshing]
Well...
...looks like the end of the
road.
-[water sounds]
-[magic whooshing]
Well, this looks right for a
change.
Oh yeah, I forgot about that.
Thanks, Archie.
One, please.
One?
One coin.
One passenger.
Them's the rules.
You sure you got this?
No.
Whatever you are, whatever
this was, thank you.
Anytime!
[Magical whooshing]
[Dramatic music]
[Loud knock]
This must be the place, huh?
Okay.
Okay.
All you can eat?
Tough crowd.
[Ominous music]
My God.
Who's there?
It's okay, Carlton. I'm not
gonna hurt you.
How do you know my name?
That's a long story.
[Crying]
It's okay.
I'm a friend, I promise.
Why are you here?
I wish I could tell you.
You know me, mister?
Oh yes.
Very well.
You should go, I'm dangerous.
Dangerous?
I make things burn.
Jesus.
Language.
Sorry.
They're all dead.
Grandma, grandpa, Uncle Tim,
Ellie, Auntie Margot, Mommy.
It was a defective Christmas
decoration.
[Crying]
I'm all alone.
I'll always be alone.
Oh shit.
Sorry.
Carlton.
The fire...
...their deaths.
Everything that happened...
...it wasn't my fault.
What?
It wasn't your fault.
Here.
I think this belongs to you.
[Magical gliss]
Thanks, mister.
You're okay, kid.
You're okay.
You're okay.
[Magical whooshing]
Are you happy now, Carlton?
Yeah, Major.
Yeah, I am.
[Upbeat music]
So cowboy went to his horse,
grabbed him by the ears
and said, "I said posse."
Man, you've been telling me
the same joke for 15 years.
You ain't heard nothing.
Get another board.
[Bottles clink]
Would you look-ie here?
Hey.
Looking good.
You hit the lotto or something?
Something like that.
For us?
This is good stuff.
You sure get it?
Positive.
Thanks for everything.
Don't mention it.
Joseph?
Yeah, Franklin?
We're back.
Yeah.
[Laughing]
[Upbeat music]
Carlton!
Intelligent boy.
Remarkable boy.
[Laughing]
Thank you?
I don't think they want to see
you.
That's what I'm counting on.
Mr. Taylor, you know you can't.
Don't worry.
We've got this.
You know what?
Give'em hell!
Thank you, Felicia.
So we're gonna reschedule my
meeting for Wednesday.
[Knocking]
C-Man!
Hey, Spence.
What are you doing here?
Nice touch.
Just an office, right, bud?
Mrs. Wright?
Simon, what are you doing here?
Today is your lucky day.
You don't say?
I do say.
Tina, Spence... Facts, truth...
...Educate the world.
Do you still believe?
In the motto?
In us.
In what we do.
Of course.
Sure.
Then let's stop doing the easy
thing.
And start doing the right
thing.
Tina.
Yes?
Aren't you sick and tired
of rationalizing
what this company's become
because you're afraid
they're gonna take it away from
you,
just like they did to me.
Spence, life is more than just
cashing a paycheck, right?
What do you got in mind?
Come with me.
Okay, Jerry McGuire.
I mean it.
Imagine what the three of us
could do.
Fighting the good fight.
Playing by our own rules.
What's gotten into you?
I have a plan.
But first, Simon?
Okay.
[Hopeful music]
Any of you influencers?
You're gonna wanna film this.
Carlton!
Trust me.
Yeah, no.
That's all right with me, Bill.
We could totally do that.
Sir.
Bill, I'm gonna call you back.
Okay.
What's this, Simon?
Mr. Taylor, you're in to see
you.
Taylor?
Ah, Taylor.
Come in, 'what's bussin', my
man?
What's good?
Not much, kid.
We have to talk.
No, thank you.
Here's the thing.
I've been in this business
a really long time.
And I know it's not perfect.
Nothing is, but more
importantly than anything,
Archie instilled in us that
there's a right way
to do things and a wrong way.
Okay, I'm listening.
And the reason the McCain
Mountain
has been around this long is
because each one of us here
has had a passion for what
we're doing.
A friend of mine, he recently
told me
that this is a city of over
eight million stories.
Each window with a hero,
a villain, a victim.
What we try to do here is tell
the story
of the over 100 billion people
who came before us
with the best information that
we have.
It's the only thing that's
given my life passion.
And what you're planning,
I just don't think you see
how dangerous it is.
Mr. Taylor.
Carlton.
Carlton.
You look at me and see a kid
just out of diapers
with lots of money and shiny
new toys
taken over your sandbox,
but I couldn't be further from
the truth.
You shared what drives you.
May I do the same?
Fire away.
That's triggering.
Just kidding with you, man.
[both laughing]
The reason why I had any
interest in McCain Mountain
in the first place is because I
have a dream of my own.
Education for all.
Yeah, I know it's cliche, but I
mean it.
[Tender music]
This is my grandfather.
He immigrated from Japan in the
30s to find fortune.
Comparative peace.
A few years later, he and
his 'American family' were...
...sent to internment camps.
This story may not be news
to you, Carlton,
but for me, my school didn't
teach it.
I found out out of all places
on YouTube,
I was what, like 16?
Everyone wanted to paint over
this tiny little blemish
in American history.
Luckily though, what they did
teach me
got me where I am today, and
that's why when I found out
that McCain Mountain was
seeking a new CEO,
I had to jump on that chance.
And that's great, and
I appreciate that, I do.
But taking McCain Mountain
fully digital
is gonna do the complete
opposite
of what you're trying to
accomplish.
This got boring.
Agreed.
Don't forget to like and
subscribe.
Carlton, let's just go with
them, man.
Let's let Mr. Lambert get back
to work.
I guess you're right.
I guess you got this covered.
Carlton, wasn't it something
you wanted to show,
Mr. Lambert?
No, I'm good.
We'll talk more after
the meeting tomorrow.
I like being challenged,
Carlton.
I'm sure you have some great
ideas.
I don't work here anymore.
I was fired.
Fired?
I haven't fired anyone.
I saw your signature on the
paperwork.
[Quirky music]
Carlton, I assure you, I didn't
know anything about this.
Come to think of it.
The person who told me that
you were fired,
was Spencer.
Is this true, Spence?
I mean, it is only an office.
I'm sure it's some kind of
misunderstanding.
I nearly died!
And now look at you, you've
never been more alive!
Please, let me 'tase' him.
No need.
Simon, please escort Mr. Wiley
out of the building.
Well, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no.
This is bullshit, okay?
I have followed you for years.
Your vision is my vision.
Carlton's a hack, he's a
dinosaur.
Do you really want this
washed up...
alcoholic...
...faggot working here?
[Taser sound]
I got this.
Thank you, Simon.
After I take care of this...
...how about that Lagavulin 26?
Well, that costs $150 a glass,
so how about we do a slice of
pizza?
It's a date.
You've got yourself a real
bodyguard.
Oh, God, does that make me
Whitney Houston?
Thank you for that.
Of course.
Oh.
[Shifting of papers]
You put all this together?
Yeah, it's kind of what I do.
Give me some time with this.
And, uh... Tina?
Yeah?
Can we please put Carlton back
into his office?
Gladly.
[Tender music]
I...
I don't want it.
[Laughing]
This 'ball buster' wants a
bigger office.
It's yours.
No, no, the job.
I don't want it anymore.
Carlton?
I mean, thank you.
But no thank you.
I think...
I have other stories to tell.
What are you doing?
I...
...something different!
What do you mean?
I don't know.
Carlton, what do you mean?
I hear you, Archie.
I hear you.
[quirky music]
Thank you.
Thank you.
So, who do I make it out to?
To the only woman you've ever
loved?
[Laughing]
Fine.
To the only woman I chose to
love.
Better.
Hey, 'T'.
Hey, Simon.
Hi there, sweetheart.
What's your name?
Chloe.
Chloe.
Keeping our boy safe?
These things tend to bring
out the crazies.
Who knew I'd be the Harry Styles
of children's literature?
Look at you rocking the pop
culture references.
He seems happy.
He is.
We are.
You like the books?
I'm so glad you do.
20 years and I never knew he
had an imagination.
[Pulsing rock music]
I wonder what he's gonna
come up with next.
So, who do I make it out to?
Started at the bottom, no one
cared
Took the blows and I was never
spared
Hit the ground, got back up on
my feet
Kept on moving, I don't know
defeat
They tried to break me, I hit
the ground
I lost my way, but I turned
around
Rise again, yeah, don't you
ever slow
Feel the wind, feel the power
grow
Rise again, yeah, hear the
thunder call
Stand your ground, you can't
fall
Walked through fire, took
every hit
Didn't back down, I never
quit
Climbed the mountain, faced
the pain
Fell a hundred times, I rose
again
They tried to break me, I hit
the ground
Scene 42C, Take 2
And, walk in and action.
[Laughing]
Whooo!
Last time. You're gonna do
'The Dance of the Dee'.
From Always Sunny.
Got it, alright.
[Laughing]
One more round, I'm not done
yet
Best I've got is the best
you'll get
No retreat, no turning back
Full speed now, I'm on the
attack
Rise again, yeah, don't you
ever slow
Feel the wind, feel the power
grow
Rise again, yeah, hear the
thunder call
Dont move!
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
[Speaking in Italian]
Welcome everybody.
[Speaking in Italian]
Oh, isn't this the musical?
Oh, sorry.
[Laughter]
I loved it.
Here, this'll help.
I'm just gonna use my finger.
My finger's made of Tang.
What is that?
Capri Sun?
Delicious.
Oh, come now, come.
Rise again
[Upbeat music]
Started out tangled in my own
mind
Chasing my tail running out of
time
Then I voiced that son, you
got the tools
You just forgot the rules
Now I'm back, got nothing to
prove
Turning every setback into a
groove
I'm making major moves
No mountain I can't climb
You're gonna praise, Furr
Fuzz!
Isn't imagination fun?
Rebels in the rear view fade
Got a new plan, got it made
I'm making major moves
Gonna turn it all around
today