CarousHELL (2016) Movie Script
I hate this place.
I get it, people come
here to be happy.
and it's my job to help
them be happy,
but I'm never happy here.
I have to have this
fake expression on
all the time here in this park,
even if I don't
wanna look happy.
None of my
co-workers talk to me.
Sure, once in awhile it's
nice to see the kids smile,
but usually they're just
annoying little shits
that don't give a damn
how they treat me.
Every single day, every
single minute,
I'm working so hard for them.
Just once I'd like to
make myself happy but no,
I have to keep letting little
brats climb on my back,
and then go in a circle forever.
I'm Duke, the prettiest
goddamn unicorn in the world.
Laurie, Laurie, are
you even listening to me?
- No.
You kids and your
phones these days.
Don't you ever put
that thing down?
Mom, do you even know
how many followers I have?
If I don't update what I'm doing
like every like 15 minutes,
I won't be trending anymore.
- What would happen then?
- I'll be slightly less popular.
Uh, God, Lunchbox, could
you be anymore disgusting?
- Stop calling me that.
- You two be nice.
You're gonna have to
spend the day together.
- What?
You never said that.
That's what Mom has
been talking about
for literally the
past 30 minutes.
- But, Mom, I have-
No buts before I kick yours,
missy.
Mom.
I have a staff
meeting at work,
and then I have to work late.
But Mom, I have this
like tots sweet party
to go to tonight.
Can't you just call
a babysitter?
- I'm not a baby.
- Shut up, Lunchbox.
Tips have not been great
at work lately.
I've been having a few
stingy customers.
Look, all I'm asking
for you to do
is watch your brother
for one day.
That's all.
Mom, what am I
supposed to do with him all day?
Doesn't your boyfriend
work at the amusement park?
Well, okay, that'll
work until like,
I don't know, like seven
but then what?
I don't know, Laurie.
Spend time with your brother
for once.
You know I let you do
whatever you want.
Just do this one thing for me.
- But, Mom.
- Laurie, please.
- Okay.
- Now I gotta go.
There's some dumb new rules
about lap dancers and
off-site safety.
What kind of safety do you
need at bachelor parties?
Blood born pathogens or
some dumb stuff like that.
Pussy One's
gotten so corporate
since the buyout.
Love you, honey.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Larry.
- Jeez, Mom.
Stop wearing that
around the house.
Okay, Lunchbox,
we're going out.
- But I'm not done eating.
- I don't care.
Look, I have to watch
your stupid ass today,
so we're going to the
Tarnation Corral.
- Awesome.
Then I'm going to this
party tonight,
and you have to tag along.
What?
No way, I hate your friends.
There all assholes.
Look, I'm not missing
out on this party, okay?
And I'm taking you to the park.
- Fine, but you have to give me
a new piece for my
lunchbox collection.
Okay, I'll get you
another stupid lunchbox.
- With matching Thermos.
It's not worth anything
on the resale market
without a Thermos.
Yes, yes, and a damn Thermos,
too.
Now go get ready.
- Yeah.
Only this
gay one left.
Lame, unicorn's are sissies.
- Goddamn it, Lunchbox,
will you just ride the
stupid thing already?
That's why we're here.
How do I express how
much I hate my brother
in only a 140 characters?
I hate my life.
Howdy, partner.
- Eat a dick.
Oh, I can't
do, I can't do, oh-ho.
Oh, well.
- Hey, Laurie, babe.
Hey, you know I love
you in this uniform?
Hey, I only got 15 minutes,
so.
- That's plenty of time.
- But seriously, babe.
I could get in a lot
of trouble for using-
- Just get in the car.
- Okay.
Why am I even alive?
None of these other
horses can talk.
Am I the only one?
Am I alone?
I can't handle this anymore.
I've been here for a year
dealing with this shit.
Today, I'm living for me.
All of you losers can stay here
and be abused by kids.
I'm movin' on.
- Well, Duke,
shouldn't you be on that, ah,
carousel?
Not anymore,
Jock-O, I'm a free man now.
Well, free unicorn.
Didn't you see how I
was treated?
- Yeah, man.
But fuck, you're just a ride.
It doesn't matter.
Just a ride?
You're not real or
anything this time.
Just a ride?
- Yeah, man.
Let me take a ride on you now.
How about a
ride to hell?
That felt right.
This is what I'm supposed to do.
I'm going to kill that fat fuck.
- Guys, I'm right here.
- Shut up, Lunchbox.
My knees are-
- My name is Larry.
Shut up, dude, I'm
trying to bang your sister.
- I hate you guys.
Okay, babe, I gotta, I
gotta get back.
Oh, you're coming to
the party tonight, right?
Yeah, I got three hours left
on my shift and then I'm out.
- Okay.
See ya, lover.
Totally gonna
cheep about that session.
- Are you ever not on Chirper?
- Shut up, Lunchbox.
- You shut up, you idiot.
There he is.
I'm going to get that brat.
Ah, who the hell
put this here?
God, Chickenfeed, this is
Blue Sno-cone, come in.
Some people have a strange
sense of entertainment.
Now you can be in
charge of security in hell.
Oh, no,
not Jock-O.
I'm afraid you twisted your
last balloon animal, old friend.
What in Tarnation?
Oh, Duke's missing.
He finally woke up.
Oh, oh, no.
I hoped this day
would never come.
Oh, I suppose it's
time to hunt down
a beautiful, Nazi, mustang.
Mm.
When I was given this case,
I was told that the enchantment
on the weapon within it
would counteract what caged
Duke within that unicorn.
I hope that's not temporary.
I need to kill him.
Giddy up.
Okay, we're going
to the party.
- Ah, this is gonna suck.
Can't I just go home?
No, I can't leave
you home alone.
Mom's at work and you know
Dad's out of town on business.
You've been saying he's
out of town for eight years.
- It's very important business.
He said he'd come back.
- You were right, Clark.
This is so romantic.
- I told you.
There's nobody here.
It's just you, me, and the
great outdoors.
- It's so beautiful.
- Almost as beautiful as you.
Cheeseball.
Diana, there's
somethin' I wanna ask you.
- Yes, Clark?
Is that a carousel
horse over there?
- You got me a carousel horse?
That is the best surprise
you've ever given me.
Oh, my gosh, how didn't
I notice that?
We walked right by there.
Is Bruce is on this?
- Ah, yeah.
You bet he was.
- Oh, my god.
I know how much you
love carousels,
so I wanted to treat you.
Get your hand
off me, motherfucker.
- We need to go.
- Clark?
Where ya going,
lover boy?
- Clark?
I'll give ya
a head start.
(Diana gasping
Now you can have picnic in hell!
Oh, boy, alright, I really need
to come up with better
stuff to say.
I've used the same thing like
three times in an half hour.
Gotta work on that.
- Laurie, where have you been?
And Lunchbox, how you
doing, you little colt?
- I don't wanna be here at all.
What if I told you we
have cake in the kitchen?
- Out of my way, uni sister.
- So where's the booze?
Hitting the trough
already, are we, lush?
I had a long day
with my brother.
I need to get like
seriously drunk
before I talk to anyone.
Okay, well, the
booze is that way.
I'm gonna finish up a
game over here.
- Oh.
- Hey, Laurie.
- Preston.
- What's up?
Hold on, hold on.
Where ya going?
- What are you doing?
Oh, you know, just
being a good host.
Hand out these necklaces
in exchange for,
wait for it, some titties!
- Kind of you.
Yeah, so do you want
some of them?
- Who the hell would do that?
- Pop that up?
- Whoa, oh, hey, Sugar Tits.
Do you wanna fun necklace?
- Oh, fuck yeah.
Show me them titties,
yeah, woo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
I love you.
I love you, don't tell Sarah.
Oh,, ooh, fuck.
Ah, mm, anyway.
Laurie, so what do you think?
You don't wanna be left out,
right?
Only one walking around
without a necklace.
Preston, I have to
be like way more drunk
before you get to
see my breasts.
Okay, so you're telling
me there's a chance, right?
Wait, wait, wait, so like
45 minutes then?
45 minutes then?
I'll remember.
Set a reminder for 45
minutes, see Laurie's titties.
- Hey, Margot, hey Pierre.
How's my favorite foreign
brother and sister doing?
- What the is this shit?
Are you trying to
feed us pig slop?
- That's dip.
Guys, I worked my
hooves off for this.
We have French onion dip,
French toast,
French fries, and I have
a French bread pizza
coming on the way.
- You fucking Americans.
- You're all idiots.
Why did we ever come to
this ridiculous party?
Because Father asked
since we spend
too much alone time together.
Well, that's good you
guys are close.
- Oui, very close.
Do you guys want some
cheese and wine?
You guys like that stuff, right?
Yeah, I guess, nothing fancy,
you know?
Well, well, what are
you guys doing?
Trying to save this
terrible soiree.
We are trying very
hard to be your friend.
Don't you have anything at all?
- Do you guys like Ratatouille?
- Yeah, it's nothing fancy, but.
You can't go wrong
with a dish like that.
It's classic, basic, oui,
we like it.
Oh, my gosh, that's like
one of my favorite movies.
We can totally watch that,
but first, we have to watch
the My Tiny Uni Marathon first.
- I hate you.
- Preston.
- Hey.
Mm, well you look great.
So how many boobs did
you see tonight?
- Seven.
- Seven?
How do you get to that number?
Oh, yeah, yeah, say
that a little louder.
I'm sure Lisa over there
isn't at all concerned
that she just survived
breast cancer.
Oh, my Molestia, I
totally forgot.
No, do not use Princess
Molestia's in vain,
do you under, hey, guys.
Having a good time?
Alright, drinks are in the back.
Sorry, and I'm sorry, yeah,
just don't, don't use that name.
I mean, it's just unicorn
shit but whatever.
Preston, nobody's
gonna judge you
if you just come out
of the stable.
Look, look it's
different for me, okay?
Guys aren't supposed to
be into that type of show.
- We met at Unicon.
- No, no, no, we didn't, no.
No, no, no, I'm into guy shit,
okay?
Yeah, guy shit like superheroes,
the Super Task Force,
and men shit,
banging, slapping asses,
fucking, yeah.
Well, I can like
Power Rangers, too.
I don't know why guys think
they can't be into My Tiny Uni.
Okay, listen, it is
different for me, okay?
I'll never hear the end
of it, you understand?
Hey, did you know
Preston's into My Tiny Uni?
- No, she's.
- That's why we met.
No, this girl, no.
- What do you think of that?
- Stop giggling.
- Stop giggling.
- My Little Unicorn?
- Believe it?
- Yeah, no, no,
she's just been drinking.
- Hey, guys,
Preston's a bronicorn.
- No, no, don't pay
- Oh, my god.
- attention to these girls,
I roofied her earlier.
- Preston's
- Okay, no, just don't.
- a bronicorn.
No, no I'm not guys.
- What's your favorite episode?
I, I'm sorry, what?
- What's your favorite episode?
- Season two, wait for it,
episode six.
I mean, honestly guys,
just in the way that
they all came together
at the end was spectacular.
OMG, I am totally
gonna cheep this.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, please don't.
Please don't, no, no, no,
please, please fucking don't.
See Preston,
nobody's judging you,
and everyone's having
a great time.
You've,
you have ruined my life.
Well, partner,
you went to hell in a
picnic basket.
Seems that ole Duke is
remembering his calling.
It was silly of me to hope
that he would just be
killing people in the park.
That unicorn is pure evil,
and I need to put him down.
Found the bitch.
I guess they're all
in that house.
All I have to do is get
inside and kill the kid
but if I just run in, he
might get away.
What do I do?
Hey, ah, are you a
talking carousel horse?
What do I do?
What's up, titty?
Ah, fuck, oh, pizza.
Come on in, buddy.
- Hey, three pies,
one French bread style?
Yeah, yeah, fuck,
whatever, come on in, buddy.
- Alright, sir,
that'll be $42.39.
- Alright, fucking pizza.
Shit, I think I might have,
oh, time out, my man,
hold on for a second.
Hey, foxy lady.
Foxy Brown, what's up girl?
You know, I happened to notice
that you are not wearing
one of my necklaces.
- Are you that bronicorn?
- Ah, what?
- Like I'll ever.
- No, no, no.
- I'll show you.
- No, no, wait, wait.
Holy, shit.
Sarah?
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
where are you?
- Hmm.
Oh, yeah, look at
that hot bitch.
Totally gonna cheep this.
Hashtag, gonna hit on
the pizza guy.
Hashtag, hot bitch.
- No watch.
- Hey, there, big boy.
What's your name?
I'm your friendly
neighborhood pizza guy, Joe.
Ooh, do you know what my
favorite pizza topping is?
Is it our 25 topping
Hungry Man Special?
At $24.99, I see why
people like it so much.
- Sausage.
Do you have any sausage?
Ah, no, nobody ordered
a sausage pizza.
- I mean, your penis.
You want some pizza with
my penis on it?
- No, I'm hitting on you.
- Look, ma'am, I'm in the middle
of a business
transaction right now.
Nevermind that a penis pizza
would never pass FDA
regulations.
Oh, my god, you
clearly need a drink.
Can I get you a drink
or something?
Sorry, no drinking
while on the job, ma'am,
but there is something
you can give me.
- Yeah, handsome?
I could really use
$42.39 plus tip.
- That's Preston's job, Joe.
Joe, Joe, Joe, do you work out,
Joe?
I work my butt off
delivering pizzas.
My, god, it's gonna
be really hard
to have sex with you, isn't it?
Hashtag, pizza zoned.
Hashtag, sausage blocker.
Okay, it's time to play,
Never Have I Ever.
I don't even know
what that is.
- Oh, it's this really fun game
where everyone sits in a circle,
and we all say something
that we've done
but if you haven't done it,
you have to lower a finger,
it's amazing.
- That sounds really stupid.
- Come on, Joe, you gotta play.
- No, I just gotta get $42.39,
then leave before I get fired.
I can't lose this job.
Otis Barkmeyer needs me.
Come on, it's a good
way to get to know me.
The only things that
I need to know about you
is what kind of pizza you
want and your home address.
Ooh, moving kind of fast,
I like it.
Hashtag, winning
- Can someone please pay me?
Come on, Joe, after we
play, you can stuff my crust.
We didn't order
any of that, either.
Well, actually how
do you play?
Is it both hands, two hands,
like one hand, how do we play?
It's just one hand,
four fingers.
And if you have done something
that somebody else hasn't done,
you pass.
Okay, so, I'll go first.
Never have I ever missed
an episode of My Tiny Uni.
Ah, I can't believe you guys.
Really, you really
can't believe that?
- Your turn, Pierre.
- I don't know what to say.
Just say something
you've never done before.
Never have I ever killed
a man in cold blood.
- That's stupid.
Never have I ever cared
about this shitty country.
- What did you just say?
You can either love this
country or you can get out.
If our father was not a
wanted criminal back home,
I would.
Never have I ever fucked
my own sibling.
- Whoa, really?
Hashtag, wincest.
Joe, your turn.
Ah, I'm not playing, I'm
just waiting for Preston.
- Fucking play.
- Okay, never have I ever
received $42.39 for
delivering pizza
to this party tonight.
Oh, none of you have ever
had that either?
Now you know how I feel!
- And never have I ever
not let a pizza guy
fuck me in the ass
the first night we met.
Well, never have I ever
been to France.
- You guys can't lie.
- We are from Quebec.
- You racist Americans.
- Fuck, I lost.
I just, I should have
never gone to France.
- Gotta chug a beer.
- Fine, fine.
I just gotta get one.
Hey, hey, Preston,
Preston, you got the cash?
Fuck, man, everyone
wants a piece of Pres Dog.
Give me a second here, buddy,
alright?
Five, 17, 18, 19.
You're the guy who
writes My Tiny Unicorn
fan fiction, right?
- No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm
sorry, that was my girlfriend.
She was really drunk, that's,
that's-
Uni bitch.
- Motherfucker.
- Holy shit.
- Goddamn loser.
Why don't you like cool shows
like Naval Officer Moo?
That shit is hot.
- Oh, god.
- Oh, god.
- Oh, my god.
- Who was that?
I didn't invite that man.
Who was that man?
Who let that man in my house?
Fuck man, is it bad?
I'm queasy, is there blood?
Oh, my god.
- This is terrible.
Oh, god, what does
it look like?
Tell me what it looks like?
Oh, my god.
- Okay, it looks like
it's only $22.00,
this is terrible.
- What, what the money?
You're worried about the
fucking money?
Look at my face, man.
Fuck, now I'll get my
money for you.
I'll get money for you
while I'm fucking bleeding.
For you, pizza boy.
Fucker.
- No, no, no, no, no.
no, no, no, no.
Oh-a.
Guess you're
sticking around then.
Need some company?
- I need 23 more dollars.
At this point, tip is optional.
- Hey, Laurie, who's this hunk?
- This is my date, Joe.
- I am not her date.
- What happened to Scott?
- Ah, he's at work still,
which means I have about
three more hours
to do whatever I want.
Which means Joe.
Hashtag, open relationships.
Open, so that means I
can talk to Scott?
- Don't you dare, you bitch.
So, Joe, what brings
you to the party?
You know, just
delivered the pizzas,
waiting to get paid
so I can leave.
Say, do you know Preston?
- Yeah, that's my boyfriend.
- Could you get $23.00 from him?
I can't do that.
That's stealing.
Silly, Joe.
You got yourself a
regular bad boy here.
The original lone colt.
- I know, right?
It's just so hot when
he does that.
Later, I'm gonna let
him hand toss my tits,
and then he can bone my calzone.
- Why would I do that?
That's completely unsanitary.
- Hashtag, clueless.
- Dude is this a horse?
- No, that's a unicorn.
What's
the difference?
- Horn out of his head.
Hello, gentlemen.
- Are you here for the party?
- No, he's here to grant wishes.
- I love wishes.
- Me too.
- I love you, man.
I wish that we would
die together.
Wish granted.
Wait, what?
- Dude, we got our wish.
- Magic is real.
Idiots,
magic isn't real.
What, did they think I was
actually a talking unicorn?
Oh, I see why they thought that.
Okay, that fat kid is inside.
I bet he's scheming up
more ways to ruin my life.
- Pizza cheese sandwich.
Preston, do you want
some of this?
- Ah, no, thanks, little dude.
All I can taste is blood.
Oh, my god.
Too many to
just charge in.
He might get away.
I need to get inside but how?
Maybe that's a
pizza guy for me.
- Ooh, maybe.
Wait here, Joe.
- I literally can't leave yet.
- Oh, hello there.
- Oh, my god, are you serious?
- What are you yelling about?
Guys, somebody left a
carousel horse out here.
- Unicorn, carousel unicorn.
- Who the hell would do that?
I bet it was Steve,
that piece of shit hack.
- Oh, I hate Steve.
Hey, remember when he
had a mullet?
What the hell can you
do with a carousel horse?
What would we do with one?
Oh, there is a
magical world that I love.
We party!
In the name of Princess
Molestia
Just come out of the stable
We'll clop together forever
Pull your seat up
to the table
Friends for life
One horn for all
Your wish comes true
My tiny uni
Heroes are formed
We're not a barn
Believe in yourself
My tiny uni
- So what do we do with it now?
Oh, we could put
it in my room.
I mean, just to like
keep it safe.
Ah, figure out what to do
with tomorrow or something.
I could, I could help
you with that.
- Sarah, you are so cute,
but you are too weak and
you would damage this.
Pizza guy?
- $42.39.
- You're gonna chare me $42.39
to carry this up to my room?
- No, for the pizzas.
You still haven't got
paid for those pizzas?
- Nope.
- Fuck dude,
I, that's embar,
I wanna say sorry, but
I'm embarrassed
that you're still here.
Okay, ah, help me carry this up,
and I'll throw you, ah,
an extra tip.
Okay, but I gotta go
right after this.
That's what happens
when you fucking
get paid after
delivering pizzas.
What the fuck, dick?
Jesus Christ.
Pick him up, use your legs.
Pick it up, with your legs,
my friend.
- Okay.
- With your legs.
Fuck, dude, let me get
in the front.
Let me get the front.
- You, are you sure
you want the front?
- Yeah, I'll get the front.
You get the back.
- You sure you're
not used to going from the back?
Yeah, you're
the power bottom in this.
- Squeeze it.
- Okay, oh, Jesus,
you're a big baby, I got.
- What is this made of?
- I got it.
Which way are we going?
To the right, pivot.
- I'm pivoting.
- Not to the right.
No, pivot to the left.
- To the left?
- Now go straight.
Now go straight.
To the left, to the,
just straight now.
- To the left or straight?
Okay, now
you gotta get, go, go.
Pick that ass up.
Take it low, take it low.
- Joe's so strong, too.
He's definitely the
sexiest pizza guy
I've ever met at this party.
- Oh, jeez, I'm gonna
fall down.
Oh, god!
- Ah, yeah, yeah, totally.
What's wrong, you
distracted by Preston?
You guys must be so in love.
Yeah, Preston, that's
who I'm looking at.
Preston, and that sexy horn,
I mean ass,
that horny ass.
- Now go straight.
Oh, that feels so good.
Yep, you got it, like that?
This way.
You gotta, you
gotta go low here.
- Fuck.
- Go, go, go low.
Watch the horn.
- Oh, shit.
Get in there, turn it.
- I'm turning it.
This is all me, no
you right now.
Pizza boy, my man,
helping me out,
I appreciate it, thanks.
If I'm not downstairs in,
ah, I'll be right down.
Whoa, you wait right there,
buster.
Why, first of all, I
am waiting right here
and secondly, why, what,
oh fuck, the money.
Pizza, shit, okay, ah, I got
a couple stacks of
20's in my room.
It's in a safe, I
don't trust you,
go back downstairs, and I'll
hook you up with a couple.
I'd very much appreciate
that, sir, thank you so much.
- Hey, you put in your time,
you helped me with this
shit, I appreciate it.
Put a lot of time into it..
I certainly have
and thank you,
I really appreciate that.
- No problem, my friend.
- What the fuck?
Wait, wait, wait, is
that how you really walk?
That's like your normal walk.
I like it, kinda like.
Foxy, I smelt you, girl,
how you doin'?
Wait, wait, don't leave, I
just wanna say something.
Rape!
Who brings a fucking
taser to a party?
- Well, your all smiles.
Well, Preston's
getting my money,
then after that I can
finally get out of here.
- Oh, you're leaving?
Well, I deliver the
pizzas and then I leave.
That's how it works.
Can I at least get your
number before you leave?
You can find the
Pete's Pizza phone number
in your phone book or
at our website,
- I mean your number, Joe.
- Why would you want my number?
I can't place the order for you.
My, god, your skull is as
thick as a deep dish pizza.
- Our new deep dish is $13.99
and that includes two toppings.
- Can I least give you my number?
- Why would you give me,
wait, are you hitting on me?
- Yeah, I have been this whole time.
- Oh, golly, gee, Laurie,
you actually have to tell a fella
if you're interested in him.
You've just been talking
about pizza all night,
which is a really weird fetish.
- You are so stupid.
I like you.
Can we have sex now?
Yes, but I'm still on the
clock, so you have to wait.
- This is the worst night ever.
Well, with that
attitude, missy, I see why.
- Where are you going?
- Um, upstairs.
- Why?
- Um, this is my house,
I don't always have to
tell you what I'm doing.
- Well, excuse me.
Hashtag, snippy.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
you and Preston better not
be messing around up here.
I gotta get going soon.
Oh, no, I'm not gonna be
messing around with Preston.
Unicorns honor.
Well, I guess it's just
back to you and me then.
- Yes, it is.
- Oh, your are beautiful.
You have to be the
sturdiest stud I've ever seen.
You must make all the filly's flustered.
You know, I've never gotten
to be alone with a stud like you before.
I must be lucky.
I think about it all the time.
Every night.
Oh, my Molestia.
- I can't hold back anymore.
I need you, Brother.
- Oui, sister dear.
- Fucking Canadians.
At least you gave us hockey, though.
You do you.
Maybe I'll start a scrapbook.
Who needs fan fiction when
you have the real thing, huh?
Why are you crying?
- Why did you make me do that?
I have a boyfriend.
Come on, babe,
what you did is only natural.
Well, actually
it's not natural at all
because, you know, I'm a
living carousel unicorn,
but you know what I meant.
- Don't touch me.
That's how you talk to me?
After I made your dreams come true?
What an ungrateful bitch.
You were asking for it,
literally, with words.
You crawled on the bed,
and you told me to put my
penis into your vagina.
You know what, I guess our relationship
can't go any farther.
I'm breaking up with you.
More like I'm breaking you.
Shit, how do I open this?
- Let's take this into the bedroom.
I want to have some real fun.
Thanks, asshole.
- Fuck this country.
That's two
penetrations in one room.
Let's go for three.
- I can't find it, that bitch.
Hey, Margot, whoa, ah!
- Don't look at me you American pig.
- It's alive, it's fucking alive.
Well, I guess the
unicorn is out of the bag.
Guys, guys, we need to
get the fuck outta here
like right now.
- Where have you been?
You were getting those
20's 15 minutes ago.
- Shut the fuck up, pizza boy.
There's a fucking, the horse,
the carousel's fucking
alive, it's like a vampire.
It's fucking alive!
- Ah, what?
Look, I've heard some bad
excuses in this line of work
but that is the worst,
most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
- Pizza boy, I'm going to kill you.
We need to get the fuck outta here.
I say we fucking take that douchebag,
send him upstairs, and leave
'cause fucking Margot's dead.
We gotta go.
- Fuck you, man.
None of you pieces of dog shit
seem to give a shit that I have a job
and that's why I'm even here.
Do any of you motherfuckers
even care why I have a job?
My pet dog, Otis Barkmeyer,
has just been diagnosed with cancer.
I'm saving up every single cent
that I can to save my best goddamn friend.
It's treatable, but the
vet needs to be paid first
before anything else.
Otis is all I have.
Dad left, Mom is on drugs,
she doesn't know where
she is half the time,
and Uncle Remus is a convicted pedophile.
Otis is my best friend and
he's always been there for me,
and I can't let my best friend down.
But because of you dick wads,
I gotta give away the
rest of my pizzas away
for free tonight and I'm probably fired,
which means I'm letting
my best friend down,
and he's gonna die, I'm
gonna have nobody left.
Now what, what, what excuse do you have?
What can you say to me right now?
What can you possibly say to me?
Shit, guys, just had
to ruin my fucking night.
Please remain seated
while the murder is in motion.
- Holy shit.
Go ahead, take your
best shot, motherfucker.
- What the hell are you doing here?
These are supposed to be my victims.
I staked this place out all night.
Haven't you ever heard
of professional courtesy?
Hey, can I see that for a second?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
It's a good weapon.
killed a lot of kids with it.
What a jack ax.
Still a good one.
- Wait, Lunchbox.
- Oh, Jesus,
who the hell is that?
- It's my brother.
You brought your kid brother
to a party full of drunks?
- He's fine, he's been in here.
- I think I need my insulin.
- Shut up, Lunchbox.
- My name is Larry.
- You are a terrible person.
- Oh, my god, you sound like my boyfriend.
- And you have a boyfriend?
Are you racist too?
What other factoid are you gonna
let me know about yourself tonight,
that you hate pizza?
- Shut up, we need to run.
- What's going on?
Boy, you're that little brat
that pushed me too far.
- Whoa, are you the horse I rode today?
- Unicorn, it's a unicorn.
No respect.
That's what you kids lack, respect.
You all just rode me and
used me like I was a thing.
Just something that
existed for your pleasure.
Your sticky hands, your disgusting snot,
and your endless kicking.
It's enough to drive any horse mad.
- Unicorn, you're a unicorn?
Shut the fuck up!
So now, you little shit,
I'm going to murder you, slowly.
First I wanna ride on your back,
kick you in your sides,
and make you wish I'd kill you sooner.
Come on, come on, come on.
- Shit, somebody parked behind me.
- We'll just go to my car.
Oh, jackpot.
- Oh, this car's dying too.
Everything I care about is dying!
Not going anywhere without this.
- What do we do?
- What if we give him your brother?
That's what he wants anyway.
- Hey, I can hear you.
- Well maybe next time don't piss off
the only homicidal carousel horse.
- Unicorn.
- Shut up.
- Hashtag, dick.
I'm not just gonna give him my brother.
He'll just kill him.
Uh, then my mom will kill me.
Look, I'll just mace him,
and we'll lock him out of house.
- That's not gonna work
He's made out of wood or plastic or resin,
I don't know what he's made out of,
but it's not gonna work.
Well, hey there, pretty girl.
I wonder which one of us knows
how to work a pole better?
- I carry this just for creeps like you.
Ah, god, my eyes.
I can't blink.
Oh, my, god, I can't
believe that worked.
Go, Larry.
Come on, come on, come on
- Now what?
- Okay, we need
to lock all the doors and windows
and backdoor windows and block,
just seal this place off.
- Okay.
- I'm, I'm hungry.
- Lunchbox, shut the front door.
What are we gonna do?
Hashtag, horror movie.
Okay, I think we need to
call the police right now.
- How, we don't have a phone.
- Are you serious?
- What?
- You're literally holding a phone.
- No, I'm not.
- It's in your hands.
- Nah-ah.
- I am looking at it.
- This isn't a phone,
it's just a social networking tool.
It only has internet access.
- What are you talking about?
That's not a tablet.
- My mom blocked my ability to make calls.
She doesn't like Scott.
He was like in a porn once.
- Laurie?
- I mean, I was in it too,
so it's not a huge deal.
- Right now you need
- It was only four other guys.
- to just, shut up.
- It was just the breakfast club.
It was just fifth grade fun.
- Call 911 right now.
- Don't you listen, I can't.
- You can.
- Wow, hashtag, bad listener.
Every cell phone can
make emergency calls.
- This one can't.
It's blocked.
- It's not blocked.
- Like, oh, my gosh, Scruff McGruff,
how many times do I have
to freakin' tell you?
- Just try.
I don't have to try, I
already know it won't work.
- Please, for me, it's just three numbers.
- What about your phone?
My phone, my phone is in my
car working as a GPS device
because I'm supposed to be
delivering pizzas right now,
not about to be murdered
by a sentient, living carousel horse.
- Unicorn.
Howdy, folks.
- Holy shit!
- Ah, Jesus.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nelly.
Don't worry, I'm a friend.
- How did you get inside?
You left
the door wide open, partner.
Goddamn it, Lunchbox,
that was your only job.
I thought you were
telling me to shut up.
- It's okay, I shut and locked it.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, everyone wait,
just give me a minute here.
Um, so there's a cowboy now?
- That's Cowboy Cool.
- He's from the amusement park.
- I told him to eat a dick.
Hey, now, that's
no way to talk to a cowboy.
Especially one this cool.
- What the hell is going on?
- Well you see, this youngin over here,
he went and got Duke all ticked off.
I've been watching that varmint for years.
I was hoping that he
would stay in his slumber,
but then this rascal over
here went and got him so mad
that Duke broke free of his prison,
and now you got the Nazi son
of a bitch on your front door.
- None of this makes any sense.
Why is there a carousel hor, unicorn.
- Thank you.
- Why is there a carousel unicorn,
why is it alive, how does it even walk,
where is it getting all of these weapons,
why the hell are you here?
You see, I'm the sheriff
of that there park,
and Duke was put under my watch.
I was trusted to keep him in line,
and so now I'm here to help you folks out.
- What do we do, Cowboy Cool?
- Well now, the best thing we can do
is to try to keep all the doors locked.
He's trying to get inside.
He's hellbent on killing that boy.
Now I think if I see him coming,
I should be able to lasso that stallion
and take him down.
- Okay, sir.
- Of course, of course you're okay
with this whole situation.
Of course, you're taking
the leadership orders
from a man in a novelty cowboy mask.
Why aren't we calling 911 right now?
Now, now,
now, now I wouldn't do that
because you see, they can't stop him.
Only I can do that.
And we don't need no more
casualties in this here hoedown.
- That's exactly what I said.
- I hate all of you.
- Who the hell is that?
- I have no idea.
- I'll go look.
- Lunchbox?
- Guys, it's just the pizza guy.
- No!
- No!
- Hashtag, no!
- Dude, where's the pizza?
Let me cut you a slice
- Oh, my god, oh my god!
- of your face.
- I don't like knives.
- Oh, my god, throw him off!
- Like pizza.
Oh, my, this is taking
a really long time.
Oh, my god, this
- I chose a poor one,
that's why.
- hurts so much, oh, god!
This is what pizza felt like.
Oh, my god, I'm so sorry, pizza.
I'll never have another piece.
Oh, god!
Get somewhere safe.
I have exactly what I
need to kill this varmint.
- Get in.
Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker.
Shouldn't we have run outside
and gotten as far away
from here as possible?
Shut up, Lunchbox.
Do you want him to hear you?
You're
hiding in the closet.
What a classic.
Ow, ow, ouch.
This hurts way more than you'd think.
Larry, come on.
Shit.
- Oh, man.
How are we supposed to
kill this thing now?
Hashtag, hopeless.
- Man, now I feel really bad
about telling him to eat a dick.
That was way harder
than it should have been.
What could possibly be so important
that you have to be on
your phone right now?
- This is a horrible party.
I have to let my followers know.
Hashtag, shitty party.
Hashtag, killer unicorn.
Hashtag, caroushell.
You play a good game, boy.
- Look, dude, I'm sorry.
It's too late for that.
How was I supposed
to know you were alive?
All of the
kicking, those sticky hands,
that snot, that complete lack of respect.
You're going to feel what
every spoiled brat should feel.
The pain you feel is
going to be wonderful.
Well, for me at least.
It's going to suck for you.
Not so fast, partner.
I'm gonna lasso the wild one.
- No.
- Cowboy Cool.
Don't worry, son.
I've got this wild stallion under control.
No, not when I'm this close.
Come on, just let me stomp
on the kid for awhile.
I wanted
to let you have your piece,
but I reckon I made a mistake.
I should have done this a long time ago.
- That was so cool.
How do
you think I got this name?
You okay, little buddy?
- Cowboy Cool, you did it.
I did.
- Come on, let's go.
No, son.
I'm afraid I need to
ride off into the sunset.
I can't go on.
- What do I do?
You gotta
get along, little doggy.
You can head on home.
- But that's like a mile away.
I have to walk.
Yep, when you get there,
call the sheriff.
Tell him they're gonna need body bags
and a wood chipper for that
son of a gun.
Alright, boys, I'm coming to see ya now.
- You were the ugliest horse there.
Stupid unicorn.
Got him.
You must be this tall to die.
So let this be a lesson
to you folks out there.
Don't be such an asshole to things.
You never know what random object
is a living, homicidal maniac.
And my memory may be fuzzy,
but I know I'm not alone.
There's more like me out there.
A whole menagerie of mayhem.
But you don't wanna wake 'em up.
And you know what?
I'm never going back to sleep again.
I'm here for good.
What did that bitch say again?
Oh, yeah, who else is going
to ride the caroushell?
Hello, everyone, your
house call, oh, my god.
There's blood everywhere.
It's a good thing I learned
about this in my class today.
I'm not touching anything.
Hello?
Is there anybody up
there who needs my help?
Hello?
Oh, my god.
There's a magical world
That I love
You won't find it underground
Or way up above.
Unisisters, bronicorns,
we're friends til the end
The magic is real
This isn't pretend
In the name of Princess Molestia
Just come out of the stable
Well clop together forever
Pull your seat up to the table
Friends for life
One horn for all
Your wish comes true
My tiny uni
Heroes are formed
We're not a barn
Believe in yourself
My tiny uni
I get it, people come
here to be happy.
and it's my job to help
them be happy,
but I'm never happy here.
I have to have this
fake expression on
all the time here in this park,
even if I don't
wanna look happy.
None of my
co-workers talk to me.
Sure, once in awhile it's
nice to see the kids smile,
but usually they're just
annoying little shits
that don't give a damn
how they treat me.
Every single day, every
single minute,
I'm working so hard for them.
Just once I'd like to
make myself happy but no,
I have to keep letting little
brats climb on my back,
and then go in a circle forever.
I'm Duke, the prettiest
goddamn unicorn in the world.
Laurie, Laurie, are
you even listening to me?
- No.
You kids and your
phones these days.
Don't you ever put
that thing down?
Mom, do you even know
how many followers I have?
If I don't update what I'm doing
like every like 15 minutes,
I won't be trending anymore.
- What would happen then?
- I'll be slightly less popular.
Uh, God, Lunchbox, could
you be anymore disgusting?
- Stop calling me that.
- You two be nice.
You're gonna have to
spend the day together.
- What?
You never said that.
That's what Mom has
been talking about
for literally the
past 30 minutes.
- But, Mom, I have-
No buts before I kick yours,
missy.
Mom.
I have a staff
meeting at work,
and then I have to work late.
But Mom, I have this
like tots sweet party
to go to tonight.
Can't you just call
a babysitter?
- I'm not a baby.
- Shut up, Lunchbox.
Tips have not been great
at work lately.
I've been having a few
stingy customers.
Look, all I'm asking
for you to do
is watch your brother
for one day.
That's all.
Mom, what am I
supposed to do with him all day?
Doesn't your boyfriend
work at the amusement park?
Well, okay, that'll
work until like,
I don't know, like seven
but then what?
I don't know, Laurie.
Spend time with your brother
for once.
You know I let you do
whatever you want.
Just do this one thing for me.
- But, Mom.
- Laurie, please.
- Okay.
- Now I gotta go.
There's some dumb new rules
about lap dancers and
off-site safety.
What kind of safety do you
need at bachelor parties?
Blood born pathogens or
some dumb stuff like that.
Pussy One's
gotten so corporate
since the buyout.
Love you, honey.
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Larry.
- Jeez, Mom.
Stop wearing that
around the house.
Okay, Lunchbox,
we're going out.
- But I'm not done eating.
- I don't care.
Look, I have to watch
your stupid ass today,
so we're going to the
Tarnation Corral.
- Awesome.
Then I'm going to this
party tonight,
and you have to tag along.
What?
No way, I hate your friends.
There all assholes.
Look, I'm not missing
out on this party, okay?
And I'm taking you to the park.
- Fine, but you have to give me
a new piece for my
lunchbox collection.
Okay, I'll get you
another stupid lunchbox.
- With matching Thermos.
It's not worth anything
on the resale market
without a Thermos.
Yes, yes, and a damn Thermos,
too.
Now go get ready.
- Yeah.
Only this
gay one left.
Lame, unicorn's are sissies.
- Goddamn it, Lunchbox,
will you just ride the
stupid thing already?
That's why we're here.
How do I express how
much I hate my brother
in only a 140 characters?
I hate my life.
Howdy, partner.
- Eat a dick.
Oh, I can't
do, I can't do, oh-ho.
Oh, well.
- Hey, Laurie, babe.
Hey, you know I love
you in this uniform?
Hey, I only got 15 minutes,
so.
- That's plenty of time.
- But seriously, babe.
I could get in a lot
of trouble for using-
- Just get in the car.
- Okay.
Why am I even alive?
None of these other
horses can talk.
Am I the only one?
Am I alone?
I can't handle this anymore.
I've been here for a year
dealing with this shit.
Today, I'm living for me.
All of you losers can stay here
and be abused by kids.
I'm movin' on.
- Well, Duke,
shouldn't you be on that, ah,
carousel?
Not anymore,
Jock-O, I'm a free man now.
Well, free unicorn.
Didn't you see how I
was treated?
- Yeah, man.
But fuck, you're just a ride.
It doesn't matter.
Just a ride?
You're not real or
anything this time.
Just a ride?
- Yeah, man.
Let me take a ride on you now.
How about a
ride to hell?
That felt right.
This is what I'm supposed to do.
I'm going to kill that fat fuck.
- Guys, I'm right here.
- Shut up, Lunchbox.
My knees are-
- My name is Larry.
Shut up, dude, I'm
trying to bang your sister.
- I hate you guys.
Okay, babe, I gotta, I
gotta get back.
Oh, you're coming to
the party tonight, right?
Yeah, I got three hours left
on my shift and then I'm out.
- Okay.
See ya, lover.
Totally gonna
cheep about that session.
- Are you ever not on Chirper?
- Shut up, Lunchbox.
- You shut up, you idiot.
There he is.
I'm going to get that brat.
Ah, who the hell
put this here?
God, Chickenfeed, this is
Blue Sno-cone, come in.
Some people have a strange
sense of entertainment.
Now you can be in
charge of security in hell.
Oh, no,
not Jock-O.
I'm afraid you twisted your
last balloon animal, old friend.
What in Tarnation?
Oh, Duke's missing.
He finally woke up.
Oh, oh, no.
I hoped this day
would never come.
Oh, I suppose it's
time to hunt down
a beautiful, Nazi, mustang.
Mm.
When I was given this case,
I was told that the enchantment
on the weapon within it
would counteract what caged
Duke within that unicorn.
I hope that's not temporary.
I need to kill him.
Giddy up.
Okay, we're going
to the party.
- Ah, this is gonna suck.
Can't I just go home?
No, I can't leave
you home alone.
Mom's at work and you know
Dad's out of town on business.
You've been saying he's
out of town for eight years.
- It's very important business.
He said he'd come back.
- You were right, Clark.
This is so romantic.
- I told you.
There's nobody here.
It's just you, me, and the
great outdoors.
- It's so beautiful.
- Almost as beautiful as you.
Cheeseball.
Diana, there's
somethin' I wanna ask you.
- Yes, Clark?
Is that a carousel
horse over there?
- You got me a carousel horse?
That is the best surprise
you've ever given me.
Oh, my gosh, how didn't
I notice that?
We walked right by there.
Is Bruce is on this?
- Ah, yeah.
You bet he was.
- Oh, my god.
I know how much you
love carousels,
so I wanted to treat you.
Get your hand
off me, motherfucker.
- We need to go.
- Clark?
Where ya going,
lover boy?
- Clark?
I'll give ya
a head start.
(Diana gasping
Now you can have picnic in hell!
Oh, boy, alright, I really need
to come up with better
stuff to say.
I've used the same thing like
three times in an half hour.
Gotta work on that.
- Laurie, where have you been?
And Lunchbox, how you
doing, you little colt?
- I don't wanna be here at all.
What if I told you we
have cake in the kitchen?
- Out of my way, uni sister.
- So where's the booze?
Hitting the trough
already, are we, lush?
I had a long day
with my brother.
I need to get like
seriously drunk
before I talk to anyone.
Okay, well, the
booze is that way.
I'm gonna finish up a
game over here.
- Oh.
- Hey, Laurie.
- Preston.
- What's up?
Hold on, hold on.
Where ya going?
- What are you doing?
Oh, you know, just
being a good host.
Hand out these necklaces
in exchange for,
wait for it, some titties!
- Kind of you.
Yeah, so do you want
some of them?
- Who the hell would do that?
- Pop that up?
- Whoa, oh, hey, Sugar Tits.
Do you wanna fun necklace?
- Oh, fuck yeah.
Show me them titties,
yeah, woo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
I love you.
I love you, don't tell Sarah.
Oh,, ooh, fuck.
Ah, mm, anyway.
Laurie, so what do you think?
You don't wanna be left out,
right?
Only one walking around
without a necklace.
Preston, I have to
be like way more drunk
before you get to
see my breasts.
Okay, so you're telling
me there's a chance, right?
Wait, wait, wait, so like
45 minutes then?
45 minutes then?
I'll remember.
Set a reminder for 45
minutes, see Laurie's titties.
- Hey, Margot, hey Pierre.
How's my favorite foreign
brother and sister doing?
- What the is this shit?
Are you trying to
feed us pig slop?
- That's dip.
Guys, I worked my
hooves off for this.
We have French onion dip,
French toast,
French fries, and I have
a French bread pizza
coming on the way.
- You fucking Americans.
- You're all idiots.
Why did we ever come to
this ridiculous party?
Because Father asked
since we spend
too much alone time together.
Well, that's good you
guys are close.
- Oui, very close.
Do you guys want some
cheese and wine?
You guys like that stuff, right?
Yeah, I guess, nothing fancy,
you know?
Well, well, what are
you guys doing?
Trying to save this
terrible soiree.
We are trying very
hard to be your friend.
Don't you have anything at all?
- Do you guys like Ratatouille?
- Yeah, it's nothing fancy, but.
You can't go wrong
with a dish like that.
It's classic, basic, oui,
we like it.
Oh, my gosh, that's like
one of my favorite movies.
We can totally watch that,
but first, we have to watch
the My Tiny Uni Marathon first.
- I hate you.
- Preston.
- Hey.
Mm, well you look great.
So how many boobs did
you see tonight?
- Seven.
- Seven?
How do you get to that number?
Oh, yeah, yeah, say
that a little louder.
I'm sure Lisa over there
isn't at all concerned
that she just survived
breast cancer.
Oh, my Molestia, I
totally forgot.
No, do not use Princess
Molestia's in vain,
do you under, hey, guys.
Having a good time?
Alright, drinks are in the back.
Sorry, and I'm sorry, yeah,
just don't, don't use that name.
I mean, it's just unicorn
shit but whatever.
Preston, nobody's
gonna judge you
if you just come out
of the stable.
Look, look it's
different for me, okay?
Guys aren't supposed to
be into that type of show.
- We met at Unicon.
- No, no, no, we didn't, no.
No, no, no, I'm into guy shit,
okay?
Yeah, guy shit like superheroes,
the Super Task Force,
and men shit,
banging, slapping asses,
fucking, yeah.
Well, I can like
Power Rangers, too.
I don't know why guys think
they can't be into My Tiny Uni.
Okay, listen, it is
different for me, okay?
I'll never hear the end
of it, you understand?
Hey, did you know
Preston's into My Tiny Uni?
- No, she's.
- That's why we met.
No, this girl, no.
- What do you think of that?
- Stop giggling.
- Stop giggling.
- My Little Unicorn?
- Believe it?
- Yeah, no, no,
she's just been drinking.
- Hey, guys,
Preston's a bronicorn.
- No, no, don't pay
- Oh, my god.
- attention to these girls,
I roofied her earlier.
- Preston's
- Okay, no, just don't.
- a bronicorn.
No, no I'm not guys.
- What's your favorite episode?
I, I'm sorry, what?
- What's your favorite episode?
- Season two, wait for it,
episode six.
I mean, honestly guys,
just in the way that
they all came together
at the end was spectacular.
OMG, I am totally
gonna cheep this.
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, please don't.
Please don't, no, no, no,
please, please fucking don't.
See Preston,
nobody's judging you,
and everyone's having
a great time.
You've,
you have ruined my life.
Well, partner,
you went to hell in a
picnic basket.
Seems that ole Duke is
remembering his calling.
It was silly of me to hope
that he would just be
killing people in the park.
That unicorn is pure evil,
and I need to put him down.
Found the bitch.
I guess they're all
in that house.
All I have to do is get
inside and kill the kid
but if I just run in, he
might get away.
What do I do?
Hey, ah, are you a
talking carousel horse?
What do I do?
What's up, titty?
Ah, fuck, oh, pizza.
Come on in, buddy.
- Hey, three pies,
one French bread style?
Yeah, yeah, fuck,
whatever, come on in, buddy.
- Alright, sir,
that'll be $42.39.
- Alright, fucking pizza.
Shit, I think I might have,
oh, time out, my man,
hold on for a second.
Hey, foxy lady.
Foxy Brown, what's up girl?
You know, I happened to notice
that you are not wearing
one of my necklaces.
- Are you that bronicorn?
- Ah, what?
- Like I'll ever.
- No, no, no.
- I'll show you.
- No, no, wait, wait.
Holy, shit.
Sarah?
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
where are you?
- Hmm.
Oh, yeah, look at
that hot bitch.
Totally gonna cheep this.
Hashtag, gonna hit on
the pizza guy.
Hashtag, hot bitch.
- No watch.
- Hey, there, big boy.
What's your name?
I'm your friendly
neighborhood pizza guy, Joe.
Ooh, do you know what my
favorite pizza topping is?
Is it our 25 topping
Hungry Man Special?
At $24.99, I see why
people like it so much.
- Sausage.
Do you have any sausage?
Ah, no, nobody ordered
a sausage pizza.
- I mean, your penis.
You want some pizza with
my penis on it?
- No, I'm hitting on you.
- Look, ma'am, I'm in the middle
of a business
transaction right now.
Nevermind that a penis pizza
would never pass FDA
regulations.
Oh, my god, you
clearly need a drink.
Can I get you a drink
or something?
Sorry, no drinking
while on the job, ma'am,
but there is something
you can give me.
- Yeah, handsome?
I could really use
$42.39 plus tip.
- That's Preston's job, Joe.
Joe, Joe, Joe, do you work out,
Joe?
I work my butt off
delivering pizzas.
My, god, it's gonna
be really hard
to have sex with you, isn't it?
Hashtag, pizza zoned.
Hashtag, sausage blocker.
Okay, it's time to play,
Never Have I Ever.
I don't even know
what that is.
- Oh, it's this really fun game
where everyone sits in a circle,
and we all say something
that we've done
but if you haven't done it,
you have to lower a finger,
it's amazing.
- That sounds really stupid.
- Come on, Joe, you gotta play.
- No, I just gotta get $42.39,
then leave before I get fired.
I can't lose this job.
Otis Barkmeyer needs me.
Come on, it's a good
way to get to know me.
The only things that
I need to know about you
is what kind of pizza you
want and your home address.
Ooh, moving kind of fast,
I like it.
Hashtag, winning
- Can someone please pay me?
Come on, Joe, after we
play, you can stuff my crust.
We didn't order
any of that, either.
Well, actually how
do you play?
Is it both hands, two hands,
like one hand, how do we play?
It's just one hand,
four fingers.
And if you have done something
that somebody else hasn't done,
you pass.
Okay, so, I'll go first.
Never have I ever missed
an episode of My Tiny Uni.
Ah, I can't believe you guys.
Really, you really
can't believe that?
- Your turn, Pierre.
- I don't know what to say.
Just say something
you've never done before.
Never have I ever killed
a man in cold blood.
- That's stupid.
Never have I ever cared
about this shitty country.
- What did you just say?
You can either love this
country or you can get out.
If our father was not a
wanted criminal back home,
I would.
Never have I ever fucked
my own sibling.
- Whoa, really?
Hashtag, wincest.
Joe, your turn.
Ah, I'm not playing, I'm
just waiting for Preston.
- Fucking play.
- Okay, never have I ever
received $42.39 for
delivering pizza
to this party tonight.
Oh, none of you have ever
had that either?
Now you know how I feel!
- And never have I ever
not let a pizza guy
fuck me in the ass
the first night we met.
Well, never have I ever
been to France.
- You guys can't lie.
- We are from Quebec.
- You racist Americans.
- Fuck, I lost.
I just, I should have
never gone to France.
- Gotta chug a beer.
- Fine, fine.
I just gotta get one.
Hey, hey, Preston,
Preston, you got the cash?
Fuck, man, everyone
wants a piece of Pres Dog.
Give me a second here, buddy,
alright?
Five, 17, 18, 19.
You're the guy who
writes My Tiny Unicorn
fan fiction, right?
- No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm
sorry, that was my girlfriend.
She was really drunk, that's,
that's-
Uni bitch.
- Motherfucker.
- Holy shit.
- Goddamn loser.
Why don't you like cool shows
like Naval Officer Moo?
That shit is hot.
- Oh, god.
- Oh, god.
- Oh, my god.
- Who was that?
I didn't invite that man.
Who was that man?
Who let that man in my house?
Fuck man, is it bad?
I'm queasy, is there blood?
Oh, my god.
- This is terrible.
Oh, god, what does
it look like?
Tell me what it looks like?
Oh, my god.
- Okay, it looks like
it's only $22.00,
this is terrible.
- What, what the money?
You're worried about the
fucking money?
Look at my face, man.
Fuck, now I'll get my
money for you.
I'll get money for you
while I'm fucking bleeding.
For you, pizza boy.
Fucker.
- No, no, no, no, no.
no, no, no, no.
Oh-a.
Guess you're
sticking around then.
Need some company?
- I need 23 more dollars.
At this point, tip is optional.
- Hey, Laurie, who's this hunk?
- This is my date, Joe.
- I am not her date.
- What happened to Scott?
- Ah, he's at work still,
which means I have about
three more hours
to do whatever I want.
Which means Joe.
Hashtag, open relationships.
Open, so that means I
can talk to Scott?
- Don't you dare, you bitch.
So, Joe, what brings
you to the party?
You know, just
delivered the pizzas,
waiting to get paid
so I can leave.
Say, do you know Preston?
- Yeah, that's my boyfriend.
- Could you get $23.00 from him?
I can't do that.
That's stealing.
Silly, Joe.
You got yourself a
regular bad boy here.
The original lone colt.
- I know, right?
It's just so hot when
he does that.
Later, I'm gonna let
him hand toss my tits,
and then he can bone my calzone.
- Why would I do that?
That's completely unsanitary.
- Hashtag, clueless.
- Dude is this a horse?
- No, that's a unicorn.
What's
the difference?
- Horn out of his head.
Hello, gentlemen.
- Are you here for the party?
- No, he's here to grant wishes.
- I love wishes.
- Me too.
- I love you, man.
I wish that we would
die together.
Wish granted.
Wait, what?
- Dude, we got our wish.
- Magic is real.
Idiots,
magic isn't real.
What, did they think I was
actually a talking unicorn?
Oh, I see why they thought that.
Okay, that fat kid is inside.
I bet he's scheming up
more ways to ruin my life.
- Pizza cheese sandwich.
Preston, do you want
some of this?
- Ah, no, thanks, little dude.
All I can taste is blood.
Oh, my god.
Too many to
just charge in.
He might get away.
I need to get inside but how?
Maybe that's a
pizza guy for me.
- Ooh, maybe.
Wait here, Joe.
- I literally can't leave yet.
- Oh, hello there.
- Oh, my god, are you serious?
- What are you yelling about?
Guys, somebody left a
carousel horse out here.
- Unicorn, carousel unicorn.
- Who the hell would do that?
I bet it was Steve,
that piece of shit hack.
- Oh, I hate Steve.
Hey, remember when he
had a mullet?
What the hell can you
do with a carousel horse?
What would we do with one?
Oh, there is a
magical world that I love.
We party!
In the name of Princess
Molestia
Just come out of the stable
We'll clop together forever
Pull your seat up
to the table
Friends for life
One horn for all
Your wish comes true
My tiny uni
Heroes are formed
We're not a barn
Believe in yourself
My tiny uni
- So what do we do with it now?
Oh, we could put
it in my room.
I mean, just to like
keep it safe.
Ah, figure out what to do
with tomorrow or something.
I could, I could help
you with that.
- Sarah, you are so cute,
but you are too weak and
you would damage this.
Pizza guy?
- $42.39.
- You're gonna chare me $42.39
to carry this up to my room?
- No, for the pizzas.
You still haven't got
paid for those pizzas?
- Nope.
- Fuck dude,
I, that's embar,
I wanna say sorry, but
I'm embarrassed
that you're still here.
Okay, ah, help me carry this up,
and I'll throw you, ah,
an extra tip.
Okay, but I gotta go
right after this.
That's what happens
when you fucking
get paid after
delivering pizzas.
What the fuck, dick?
Jesus Christ.
Pick him up, use your legs.
Pick it up, with your legs,
my friend.
- Okay.
- With your legs.
Fuck, dude, let me get
in the front.
Let me get the front.
- You, are you sure
you want the front?
- Yeah, I'll get the front.
You get the back.
- You sure you're
not used to going from the back?
Yeah, you're
the power bottom in this.
- Squeeze it.
- Okay, oh, Jesus,
you're a big baby, I got.
- What is this made of?
- I got it.
Which way are we going?
To the right, pivot.
- I'm pivoting.
- Not to the right.
No, pivot to the left.
- To the left?
- Now go straight.
Now go straight.
To the left, to the,
just straight now.
- To the left or straight?
Okay, now
you gotta get, go, go.
Pick that ass up.
Take it low, take it low.
- Joe's so strong, too.
He's definitely the
sexiest pizza guy
I've ever met at this party.
- Oh, jeez, I'm gonna
fall down.
Oh, god!
- Ah, yeah, yeah, totally.
What's wrong, you
distracted by Preston?
You guys must be so in love.
Yeah, Preston, that's
who I'm looking at.
Preston, and that sexy horn,
I mean ass,
that horny ass.
- Now go straight.
Oh, that feels so good.
Yep, you got it, like that?
This way.
You gotta, you
gotta go low here.
- Fuck.
- Go, go, go low.
Watch the horn.
- Oh, shit.
Get in there, turn it.
- I'm turning it.
This is all me, no
you right now.
Pizza boy, my man,
helping me out,
I appreciate it, thanks.
If I'm not downstairs in,
ah, I'll be right down.
Whoa, you wait right there,
buster.
Why, first of all, I
am waiting right here
and secondly, why, what,
oh fuck, the money.
Pizza, shit, okay, ah, I got
a couple stacks of
20's in my room.
It's in a safe, I
don't trust you,
go back downstairs, and I'll
hook you up with a couple.
I'd very much appreciate
that, sir, thank you so much.
- Hey, you put in your time,
you helped me with this
shit, I appreciate it.
Put a lot of time into it..
I certainly have
and thank you,
I really appreciate that.
- No problem, my friend.
- What the fuck?
Wait, wait, wait, is
that how you really walk?
That's like your normal walk.
I like it, kinda like.
Foxy, I smelt you, girl,
how you doin'?
Wait, wait, don't leave, I
just wanna say something.
Rape!
Who brings a fucking
taser to a party?
- Well, your all smiles.
Well, Preston's
getting my money,
then after that I can
finally get out of here.
- Oh, you're leaving?
Well, I deliver the
pizzas and then I leave.
That's how it works.
Can I at least get your
number before you leave?
You can find the
Pete's Pizza phone number
in your phone book or
at our website,
- I mean your number, Joe.
- Why would you want my number?
I can't place the order for you.
My, god, your skull is as
thick as a deep dish pizza.
- Our new deep dish is $13.99
and that includes two toppings.
- Can I least give you my number?
- Why would you give me,
wait, are you hitting on me?
- Yeah, I have been this whole time.
- Oh, golly, gee, Laurie,
you actually have to tell a fella
if you're interested in him.
You've just been talking
about pizza all night,
which is a really weird fetish.
- You are so stupid.
I like you.
Can we have sex now?
Yes, but I'm still on the
clock, so you have to wait.
- This is the worst night ever.
Well, with that
attitude, missy, I see why.
- Where are you going?
- Um, upstairs.
- Why?
- Um, this is my house,
I don't always have to
tell you what I'm doing.
- Well, excuse me.
Hashtag, snippy.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
you and Preston better not
be messing around up here.
I gotta get going soon.
Oh, no, I'm not gonna be
messing around with Preston.
Unicorns honor.
Well, I guess it's just
back to you and me then.
- Yes, it is.
- Oh, your are beautiful.
You have to be the
sturdiest stud I've ever seen.
You must make all the filly's flustered.
You know, I've never gotten
to be alone with a stud like you before.
I must be lucky.
I think about it all the time.
Every night.
Oh, my Molestia.
- I can't hold back anymore.
I need you, Brother.
- Oui, sister dear.
- Fucking Canadians.
At least you gave us hockey, though.
You do you.
Maybe I'll start a scrapbook.
Who needs fan fiction when
you have the real thing, huh?
Why are you crying?
- Why did you make me do that?
I have a boyfriend.
Come on, babe,
what you did is only natural.
Well, actually
it's not natural at all
because, you know, I'm a
living carousel unicorn,
but you know what I meant.
- Don't touch me.
That's how you talk to me?
After I made your dreams come true?
What an ungrateful bitch.
You were asking for it,
literally, with words.
You crawled on the bed,
and you told me to put my
penis into your vagina.
You know what, I guess our relationship
can't go any farther.
I'm breaking up with you.
More like I'm breaking you.
Shit, how do I open this?
- Let's take this into the bedroom.
I want to have some real fun.
Thanks, asshole.
- Fuck this country.
That's two
penetrations in one room.
Let's go for three.
- I can't find it, that bitch.
Hey, Margot, whoa, ah!
- Don't look at me you American pig.
- It's alive, it's fucking alive.
Well, I guess the
unicorn is out of the bag.
Guys, guys, we need to
get the fuck outta here
like right now.
- Where have you been?
You were getting those
20's 15 minutes ago.
- Shut the fuck up, pizza boy.
There's a fucking, the horse,
the carousel's fucking
alive, it's like a vampire.
It's fucking alive!
- Ah, what?
Look, I've heard some bad
excuses in this line of work
but that is the worst,
most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
- Pizza boy, I'm going to kill you.
We need to get the fuck outta here.
I say we fucking take that douchebag,
send him upstairs, and leave
'cause fucking Margot's dead.
We gotta go.
- Fuck you, man.
None of you pieces of dog shit
seem to give a shit that I have a job
and that's why I'm even here.
Do any of you motherfuckers
even care why I have a job?
My pet dog, Otis Barkmeyer,
has just been diagnosed with cancer.
I'm saving up every single cent
that I can to save my best goddamn friend.
It's treatable, but the
vet needs to be paid first
before anything else.
Otis is all I have.
Dad left, Mom is on drugs,
she doesn't know where
she is half the time,
and Uncle Remus is a convicted pedophile.
Otis is my best friend and
he's always been there for me,
and I can't let my best friend down.
But because of you dick wads,
I gotta give away the
rest of my pizzas away
for free tonight and I'm probably fired,
which means I'm letting
my best friend down,
and he's gonna die, I'm
gonna have nobody left.
Now what, what, what excuse do you have?
What can you say to me right now?
What can you possibly say to me?
Shit, guys, just had
to ruin my fucking night.
Please remain seated
while the murder is in motion.
- Holy shit.
Go ahead, take your
best shot, motherfucker.
- What the hell are you doing here?
These are supposed to be my victims.
I staked this place out all night.
Haven't you ever heard
of professional courtesy?
Hey, can I see that for a second?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
It's a good weapon.
killed a lot of kids with it.
What a jack ax.
Still a good one.
- Wait, Lunchbox.
- Oh, Jesus,
who the hell is that?
- It's my brother.
You brought your kid brother
to a party full of drunks?
- He's fine, he's been in here.
- I think I need my insulin.
- Shut up, Lunchbox.
- My name is Larry.
- You are a terrible person.
- Oh, my god, you sound like my boyfriend.
- And you have a boyfriend?
Are you racist too?
What other factoid are you gonna
let me know about yourself tonight,
that you hate pizza?
- Shut up, we need to run.
- What's going on?
Boy, you're that little brat
that pushed me too far.
- Whoa, are you the horse I rode today?
- Unicorn, it's a unicorn.
No respect.
That's what you kids lack, respect.
You all just rode me and
used me like I was a thing.
Just something that
existed for your pleasure.
Your sticky hands, your disgusting snot,
and your endless kicking.
It's enough to drive any horse mad.
- Unicorn, you're a unicorn?
Shut the fuck up!
So now, you little shit,
I'm going to murder you, slowly.
First I wanna ride on your back,
kick you in your sides,
and make you wish I'd kill you sooner.
Come on, come on, come on.
- Shit, somebody parked behind me.
- We'll just go to my car.
Oh, jackpot.
- Oh, this car's dying too.
Everything I care about is dying!
Not going anywhere without this.
- What do we do?
- What if we give him your brother?
That's what he wants anyway.
- Hey, I can hear you.
- Well maybe next time don't piss off
the only homicidal carousel horse.
- Unicorn.
- Shut up.
- Hashtag, dick.
I'm not just gonna give him my brother.
He'll just kill him.
Uh, then my mom will kill me.
Look, I'll just mace him,
and we'll lock him out of house.
- That's not gonna work
He's made out of wood or plastic or resin,
I don't know what he's made out of,
but it's not gonna work.
Well, hey there, pretty girl.
I wonder which one of us knows
how to work a pole better?
- I carry this just for creeps like you.
Ah, god, my eyes.
I can't blink.
Oh, my, god, I can't
believe that worked.
Go, Larry.
Come on, come on, come on
- Now what?
- Okay, we need
to lock all the doors and windows
and backdoor windows and block,
just seal this place off.
- Okay.
- I'm, I'm hungry.
- Lunchbox, shut the front door.
What are we gonna do?
Hashtag, horror movie.
Okay, I think we need to
call the police right now.
- How, we don't have a phone.
- Are you serious?
- What?
- You're literally holding a phone.
- No, I'm not.
- It's in your hands.
- Nah-ah.
- I am looking at it.
- This isn't a phone,
it's just a social networking tool.
It only has internet access.
- What are you talking about?
That's not a tablet.
- My mom blocked my ability to make calls.
She doesn't like Scott.
He was like in a porn once.
- Laurie?
- I mean, I was in it too,
so it's not a huge deal.
- Right now you need
- It was only four other guys.
- to just, shut up.
- It was just the breakfast club.
It was just fifth grade fun.
- Call 911 right now.
- Don't you listen, I can't.
- You can.
- Wow, hashtag, bad listener.
Every cell phone can
make emergency calls.
- This one can't.
It's blocked.
- It's not blocked.
- Like, oh, my gosh, Scruff McGruff,
how many times do I have
to freakin' tell you?
- Just try.
I don't have to try, I
already know it won't work.
- Please, for me, it's just three numbers.
- What about your phone?
My phone, my phone is in my
car working as a GPS device
because I'm supposed to be
delivering pizzas right now,
not about to be murdered
by a sentient, living carousel horse.
- Unicorn.
Howdy, folks.
- Holy shit!
- Ah, Jesus.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nelly.
Don't worry, I'm a friend.
- How did you get inside?
You left
the door wide open, partner.
Goddamn it, Lunchbox,
that was your only job.
I thought you were
telling me to shut up.
- It's okay, I shut and locked it.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, everyone wait,
just give me a minute here.
Um, so there's a cowboy now?
- That's Cowboy Cool.
- He's from the amusement park.
- I told him to eat a dick.
Hey, now, that's
no way to talk to a cowboy.
Especially one this cool.
- What the hell is going on?
- Well you see, this youngin over here,
he went and got Duke all ticked off.
I've been watching that varmint for years.
I was hoping that he
would stay in his slumber,
but then this rascal over
here went and got him so mad
that Duke broke free of his prison,
and now you got the Nazi son
of a bitch on your front door.
- None of this makes any sense.
Why is there a carousel hor, unicorn.
- Thank you.
- Why is there a carousel unicorn,
why is it alive, how does it even walk,
where is it getting all of these weapons,
why the hell are you here?
You see, I'm the sheriff
of that there park,
and Duke was put under my watch.
I was trusted to keep him in line,
and so now I'm here to help you folks out.
- What do we do, Cowboy Cool?
- Well now, the best thing we can do
is to try to keep all the doors locked.
He's trying to get inside.
He's hellbent on killing that boy.
Now I think if I see him coming,
I should be able to lasso that stallion
and take him down.
- Okay, sir.
- Of course, of course you're okay
with this whole situation.
Of course, you're taking
the leadership orders
from a man in a novelty cowboy mask.
Why aren't we calling 911 right now?
Now, now,
now, now I wouldn't do that
because you see, they can't stop him.
Only I can do that.
And we don't need no more
casualties in this here hoedown.
- That's exactly what I said.
- I hate all of you.
- Who the hell is that?
- I have no idea.
- I'll go look.
- Lunchbox?
- Guys, it's just the pizza guy.
- No!
- No!
- Hashtag, no!
- Dude, where's the pizza?
Let me cut you a slice
- Oh, my god, oh my god!
- of your face.
- I don't like knives.
- Oh, my god, throw him off!
- Like pizza.
Oh, my, this is taking
a really long time.
Oh, my god, this
- I chose a poor one,
that's why.
- hurts so much, oh, god!
This is what pizza felt like.
Oh, my god, I'm so sorry, pizza.
I'll never have another piece.
Oh, god!
Get somewhere safe.
I have exactly what I
need to kill this varmint.
- Get in.
Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker.
Shouldn't we have run outside
and gotten as far away
from here as possible?
Shut up, Lunchbox.
Do you want him to hear you?
You're
hiding in the closet.
What a classic.
Ow, ow, ouch.
This hurts way more than you'd think.
Larry, come on.
Shit.
- Oh, man.
How are we supposed to
kill this thing now?
Hashtag, hopeless.
- Man, now I feel really bad
about telling him to eat a dick.
That was way harder
than it should have been.
What could possibly be so important
that you have to be on
your phone right now?
- This is a horrible party.
I have to let my followers know.
Hashtag, shitty party.
Hashtag, killer unicorn.
Hashtag, caroushell.
You play a good game, boy.
- Look, dude, I'm sorry.
It's too late for that.
How was I supposed
to know you were alive?
All of the
kicking, those sticky hands,
that snot, that complete lack of respect.
You're going to feel what
every spoiled brat should feel.
The pain you feel is
going to be wonderful.
Well, for me at least.
It's going to suck for you.
Not so fast, partner.
I'm gonna lasso the wild one.
- No.
- Cowboy Cool.
Don't worry, son.
I've got this wild stallion under control.
No, not when I'm this close.
Come on, just let me stomp
on the kid for awhile.
I wanted
to let you have your piece,
but I reckon I made a mistake.
I should have done this a long time ago.
- That was so cool.
How do
you think I got this name?
You okay, little buddy?
- Cowboy Cool, you did it.
I did.
- Come on, let's go.
No, son.
I'm afraid I need to
ride off into the sunset.
I can't go on.
- What do I do?
You gotta
get along, little doggy.
You can head on home.
- But that's like a mile away.
I have to walk.
Yep, when you get there,
call the sheriff.
Tell him they're gonna need body bags
and a wood chipper for that
son of a gun.
Alright, boys, I'm coming to see ya now.
- You were the ugliest horse there.
Stupid unicorn.
Got him.
You must be this tall to die.
So let this be a lesson
to you folks out there.
Don't be such an asshole to things.
You never know what random object
is a living, homicidal maniac.
And my memory may be fuzzy,
but I know I'm not alone.
There's more like me out there.
A whole menagerie of mayhem.
But you don't wanna wake 'em up.
And you know what?
I'm never going back to sleep again.
I'm here for good.
What did that bitch say again?
Oh, yeah, who else is going
to ride the caroushell?
Hello, everyone, your
house call, oh, my god.
There's blood everywhere.
It's a good thing I learned
about this in my class today.
I'm not touching anything.
Hello?
Is there anybody up
there who needs my help?
Hello?
Oh, my god.
There's a magical world
That I love
You won't find it underground
Or way up above.
Unisisters, bronicorns,
we're friends til the end
The magic is real
This isn't pretend
In the name of Princess Molestia
Just come out of the stable
Well clop together forever
Pull your seat up to the table
Friends for life
One horn for all
Your wish comes true
My tiny uni
Heroes are formed
We're not a barn
Believe in yourself
My tiny uni