Carry on Again Doctor (1969) Movie Script
(Woman screams)
They've started early today.
(Screams)
Oh, hello. What is it, Miss Armitage?
What's the matter?
- (Whimpers)
- I'm so sorry, I'm not dipped.
What happened?
What frightened you, Miss Armitage?
Wh-What's all the fuss about?
I might have known. Dr Nookey,
what have you been doing to this patient?
Doing? To her? You must be joking.
I was just having a shower
when she suddenly barged in.
That is the women's washroom.
W- Women's washroom?
Well, it was only changed yesterday, Doctor,
while the women's is being redecorated.
The notice isn't very clear.
That is no excuse.
I think you owe this lady an apology.
I'm most terribly sorry, Miss...
(Screams)
DOCTOR: Miss Armitage!
- Don't forget my appointment.
- Ooh!
Don't you start.
Ohh! Why do they put such awkward handles
on these doors?
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir,
but there seems to have been an awful mistake.
Your medical career is notorious
for its ups and downs.
- Now we appear to have reached the bottom.
- Ooh!
Pay attention, everyone.
The head surgeon is making his rounds.
Sit up straight.
- Sit up straight.
- You must be joking.
The point is, sir, as senior house surgeon,
it is my job to see
that the hospital runs with efficiency.
- Dr Nookey is a disrupting influence.
- Oh, don't go on so, Stoppidge.
I can't sack every doctor who goes in the wrong
washroom and makes an exhibition of himself.
- Who was that woman?
- Miss Armitage. She's in for observation.
Is she? All I can say is she observed
a darn sight more than she bargained for.
There's more to it than that, sir.
There have been other incidents with nurses.
Oh, come, come, Stoppidge. We both know that
young doctors indulge in a bit of jiggery-pokery.
Sir, I do not object to jiggery,
but I do take exception to pokery.
Excuse me, sir...
Ah, this is the new kidney case, I suppose.
- Oh, yes, sir. Mr Bean.
- Ah, kidney bean!
Well, Mr Bean, how are you? Any pain?
A bit, sir,
especially when I pass water.
The best thing for you to do, Mr Bean,
is to stop passing it.
Every time you come to some,
stop and turn back.
- Has he been X-rayed?
- Yes, sir.
- I'd like to see his plates.
- Yes, of course.
I mean his X-ray plates.
I beg your pardon. Matron.
Nurse.
Thank you.
Ah. Hm. Yes.
It's a stone.
No? I thought it was a trouser button.
Mr Bean, do you wear a zip on your trousers?
Why, yes.
It's a stone. It'll have to come out right away.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Don't keep plucking at me, I'm not a chicken.
I'm sorry, but you have an appointment
at the Berkeley Nursing Home.
- It can wait.
- With Mrs Moore.
And she... Oh, yes, that's different.
She's a wealthy private patient of mine.
I took her appendix out the other day.
I hope you both had a nice time.
I'll make the jokes if you don't mind, Stoppidge.
- All right, Fosdick, get the car.
- But, sir, what about the operation?
You can handle it.
I hear you're a good kidney winkler.
- Sir, I've never done this kind of op before.
- You'll handle it.
- I'll lend you my penknife.
- Penknife?!
Yes, it's got one of those things
for taking out stones.
Oh, but, sir, I do need your advice.
- Come with me in the car. I'll explain it.
- Thank you, sir.
Mr Bean! Come back!
CARVER: Bend over and I'll demonstrate.
Perfectly straightforward, you see.
You make your incision here. Stop squirming.
Isn't the incision rather high up, sir?
I don't want to take a lump off his coccyx.
High up? Certainly not.
Have you got a skin pencil?
Show me the position of a normal kidney.
I would say it's just about... there.
What's that supposed to be? A cashew nut?
- His kidney.
- What, that silly little thing?
- He's not a hamster.
- All right.
Perhaps... just a bit larger.
No, no, no. It's not even in the right place.
Here. I'll show you.
(Giggles)
Now, there. There. That's where you'll find it.
Oh, no, sir. I beg to differ.
That is where his liver is.
Nonsense.
The liver's not there, it's there. There, you see?
- And there's the backbone.
- (Giggles)
Would you mind doing that again, sir?
Yes, sir, please do.
- Thank you, Nurse.
(Buzzer)
Mrs Beasley, please.
And about time too.
- (Groans)
- Ah, good morning, Mrs Beasley.
- And what's wrong with you today?
- That's for you to find out, innit, Doctor?
Any rate...
I brought you this sample
what you asked me for.
The correct word for it is a "specimen",
Mrs Beasley.
You call it what you like, Doctor.
I know what I'd call it...
Not in front of Sister, please, Mrs Beasley.
And while we're on about it,
you ought to give us bottles with wider tops.
I had a hell of a job getting that in there.
You ought to have used a funnel, Mrs Beasley.
I tried one of those.
It just kept running out the other end.
- Well, never mind. You've done splendidly.
- It's all right, is it?
Fresh as a mountain stream.
Not much wrong in that department.
No, there may not be much wrong there,
but that doesn't mean
there isn't something wrong with the rest of me.
I mean, there's the bowels, to start with.
They're driving me mad.
- Nothing don't seem to shift 'em.
- Have you tried a laxative?
Not bowels, Doctor. Bells.
Ringing in my ear holes all day long, they are.
Oh, I see. I beg your pardon.
Please go on, Mrs Beasley.
There's a swelling what comes up at night...
Course, when the palpitations start
it wakes me up,
and I turn over and that wakes him up.
And 'fore I know where I am,
- he's at it again.
- At it?
Grousing.
"You woke me up. (Mutters)"
Oh, I see.
Well, have you tried using separate beds?
He won't have it, Doctor.
Says it's denying him his convivial rights.
Yes, well, um... I'll get Sister to give you
some sleeping tablets for it, Mrs Beasley.
- Now, I really must get on.
- This way, Mrs Beasley.
(Groans) Ooh, Doctor. I never told you
about the rheumatism in my right leg.
Well, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just old age.
But my left leg's as old.
I don't get no rheumatism in that.
All right, you win, Mrs Beasley.
Sister, would you give her some tablets for it?
Yes, Doctor. Come along, Mrs Beasley.
Thank you, Doctor. See you tomorrow.
Who's next, Sister?
Just Mr Pullen for his hormone injections.
SISTER: You can bring Mr Pullen in, Nurse.
Come along, Mr Pullen. You're next.
Up we get. That's it.
Now, hold on tight round my waist.
Not too tight.
Stop it. Behave yourself.
- (Whispers)
- Yes, I know what you'd like to do to me.
Isn't he awful? You'd think at his age... Ohh!
Take Dr Stoppidge back and then return for me.
Come along, Fosdick.
- Morning, Mr Carver.
- Morning, Matron.
- Mrs Moore is ready for you. Go right in.
- Thank you, Matron.
My dear Mrs Moore. Why, you're looking
very well today. How are you feeling?
Oh, I feel wonderful, Mr Carver.
I'd no idea that having one's appendix out
could be so exhilarating.
I feel ten years younger.
Splendid, splendid.
Be honest, now. Do I look like a woman of 40?
You really feel as young as that?
No, that's what I am.
Yes, I was just joking, of course.
And er... you're leaving today, are you?
Yes. I shan't be sorry. This bed's all right,
but I miss my Slap and Tickle.
- What?
- Slap and Tickle. They're my Siamese.
- They always sleep on my bed.
- Yes, of course.
Not that I'm not grateful
for all that you've done for me.
They told me you were a wonderful surgeon.
Well, I suppose I am a cut above the rest.
Yes, and, you know, I've been thinking.
I'd like to show my appreciation in some way.
Come, now. Just because you're a widow, that's
no reason why I should take advantage of you.
I don't mind being taken advantage of...
now and then.
Well, since you've mentioned it,
there is something I would like to do.
Yes?
For many years now, I've had a dream.
A dream of something that would bring hope
and comfort to millions of suffering people.
The Frederick Carver Foundation.
What's that, some sort of corset?
No, no. A private clinic.
But, alas, it would be a very costly project.
- Five hundred thou...
- I didn't mean that sort of appreciation.
Not financially. I don't do that sort of thing.
Oh, don't be modest, Mrs Moore.
What about the medical mission you set up
in the Beatific Islands?
Oh, that was different. My husband died there
and I wanted to show my gratitude.
- I mean for the way they looked after him.
- Quite, quite.
TANNOY: Dr Clarke to reception, please.
Hello, Doctor. Another bill for you. (Chuckles)
- Wotcher, Jim.
- Oh, hello, Henry.
- Swotting up on anatomy?
- Yes.
I could do with some fine surgical equipment
like that.
Well, who couldn't? Fed up, then?
You're joking.
I'm getting fed up with this place, Henry.
Specialise, that's what I'd like to do.
The old Harley Street bit, with bags
of lovely filthy-rich women patients.
What would you specialise in?
Don't know. The only thing I'm good at
you get struck off for.
HENRY: There goes one of my patients.
Do you fancy a game of diagnosis?
What, with him? What, half a dollar?
Right, OK. Let's see.
JIM: Sallow complexion, droopy eyelids...
- I'd say pernicious anaemia.
HENRY: Sorry. Cirrhosis.
Damn. Wait a minute. How about that one?
JIM: Double or quits.
HENRY: He's not one of mine.
- Still, have a go.
- All right.
HENRY: I'd say a slipped disc.
JIM: Never. Must be... haemorrhoids.
And a very bad case, too.
- Let's ask him, eh?
- All right.
Excuse me, sir.
My friend and I are doing spot diagnoses.
I was wondering if you could help.
I'd say you've got haemorrhoids, and he thinks
it's a slipped disc. Could you tell us?
Er... let me see, now.
- You thought it was a slipped disc.
- Right.
- I'm afraid you were wrong.
- Ah.
You thought it was haemorrhoids.
I'm afraid you were wrong.
- What, then?
- As a matter of fact,
I thought I was going to break wind.
I'm afraid I was wrong.
- Excuse me.
TANNOY: Dr Nookey wanted in Casualty.
TANNOY: Dr Nookey to Casualty.
- See you later, Henry.
- Well, what is it, Matron?
- Accident from the film studios. Just coming in.
- Something the matter?
- I-I've just seen you. On a pin-up calendar.
Oh, yes, could be. I did do some modelling once.
Not for long. Those photographers
expect too much for their money.
Well, what an extraordinary coincidence, eh?
I was just saying to myself
I could do with a bit of...
Yes, well, er... what happened to you, then?
- Here's the accident report, Doctor.
- Oh, thank you.
Let's see. Miss Locks.
Severe bruising and possible fracture.
That's right. You see, I was posing on top of
this enormous packet and I slipped and fell.
Oh, I see... I think.
Well, we'd better have a closer look at you,
hadn't we? If you would, Matron.
Cor... (Splutters)
- What's wrong?
- Oh, nothing. No, nothing at all.
(Chuckles) It's all marvellous.
What happened to your clothes, Miss Locks?
This is all that I was wearing.
I was doing an advertisement.
Just for interest, what were you advertising?
Bristol's Bouncing Baby Food.
I can see the connection now.
I can't see any sign of bruising.
Can you, Doctor?
Oh, no, I fell on my backside.
I haven't got anything in front.
- Oh, I wouldn't say that.
- Oh, cheeky.
I think we'd better turn you over, hadn't we?
Turn over, please, Miss Locks.
(Splutters) Cor.
- Can you see them?
- Oh, yes, not half!
Oh, yes, yes. Nasty. Very nasty.
Tell me if this hurts you, would you?
Oh, haven't you got hot hands?
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Well, I don't think
there's much of a fracture here.
Do you feel any fever or giddiness?
Yes, I do feel a bit hot.
I meant Miss Locks.
Oh, yes. We'd better check you for that.
Would you turn over again, please?
Well, that one's all right.
- Will you want an X-ray, Doctor?
- Pardon?
(Amplified) Do you wish an X-ray?
Ooh. Yes, as soon as you can set one up,
please, Matron.
Thank you.
It's the pulse bit now. May I have your hand?
Shouldn't it be my wrist?
Oh. Oh, yes, of course.
We should get the results any minute now.
Oh, I hope they're all right.
I've got a screen test tomorrow.
- What's your first name?
- Goldie.
Goldie.
Oh, Goldie Locks.
I know, it's shocking,
but I sort of got stuck with it.
- What's your real name, then?
- Maud. Maud Boggins.
Oh, well, never mind, eh? Goldie's a nice name.
What's your name?
Jimmy. Jimmy Nookey.
You're not much better off, are you?
No. Look, Goldie, how about you
coming out with me one evening, eh?
- What for?
- Well, a spot of dinner, dancing and stuff.
I don't mind the dinner and dancing,
- but don't expect anything else.
- Oh, I don't.
GOLDIE: So long as you know.
There we are, Jimmy. No sign of a fracture.
Whoopee! No fracture!
There will be if you go on like that.
- Ooh. Can I go now?
- There's no hurry, is there?
- Would you like to have a look around?
- All right.
- Good. We'll start with my room.
- No, thanks. I've seen your room.
Here, I like your telly.
Do you? Just a minute, I'll show you what's on.
Now, let's see. (Mutters to himself)
Contact.
And now, before your very eyes.
(Chinese accent)
Our genuine Chinese spare ribs.
Profile, miss. Ask me the time.
What's the time?
4:25.
- Have a go.
- Yeah.
Whoops.
- Well, how do I look?
- Hm. Bony.
I don't know what I see in you.
I wish I could see myself.
Just a minute,
I might be able to get a print of this. Let's see.
(Machine whirs)
Say cheese.
(Machine bleeps)
(Goldie screams)
Just st-stay where you are.
I'll pull the main fuse out.
(Patient moans)
(Muffled moans)
(All buzzers sound at once)
Coming.
(Squeals)
(Sirens and bells ring)
I wouldn't have thought it possible for one man
to create such utter chaos.
We've only returned to normal this morning.
I- I know, sir.
The trouble is, I just can't help myself.
On the contrary, you always help yourself.
Sir, do we have to prolong this?
I'll just hand in my resignation.
Oh, no, no. There's no need for resignation.
Everyone has a bit of fun now and again.
Do they, sir?
As a matter of fact, I think you can help me.
I've got a bit of a sex problem myself.
Ooh, well, you don't have to around here, sir.
There's a little nurse in Ward B...
No, no, I don't mean the physical side.
I know what's what and where's where.
You can't be a surgeon
without noticing these things.
No, of course not, sir.
I'm taking this lady to dinner and, I'll be frank,
I want to... impress her, if you see what I mean.
- I do, sir. You're on the make.
- Yes...
In a manner of speaking. And I haven't had
much experience in these matters.
Oh, I see, sir.
Well, if I were you, as soon as you've
sat her down, I'd er... give her the business.
- What, sitting down?
- Start chatting her up. A bit of flannel.
How beautiful you are.
What lovely big eyes you have.
And other things.
I couldn't say "What lovely big other things."
- Blimey, you haven't had much experience.
- No.
How about if I jotted down a few lines
and you can try them out?
You'd do that for me? Oh,
that would be most kind of you, Dr Nookey!
- Is Dr Nookey still in there?
- Yes, Doctor.
(Chuckles) I'd hate to be in his shoes.
Still, it's high time
he were taken down a peg or two.
I expect that'll give you great pleasure, Doctor.
DR CARVER: I'm sorry, but I've got to say it.
You're the most wonderful person I've ever met.
Every time I look into your beautiful eyes
I'm filled with ecstasy.
DR NOOKEY: Now hold hands. That's good.
DR CARVER: What a lovely little hand
you've got.
DR NOOKEY: Kiss it, then.
Oh, that's it. Oh, I adore you.
DR CARVER: I...
Jolly good, sir. By this time,
you'll have got her on the run already.
Please go on.
My darling, I must tell you.
Now, you do something exciting to me.
Eh?
No, no, look. Oh, my darling, I must tell you now.
You do something exciting to me.
Oh, sorry.
# Light jazz
Do you realise we've known each other
for four whole weeks now?
Yeah. Do you think that's a record?
I don't know. It's the longest I've been out
with a girl without getting somewhere.
What do you mean,
"without getting somewhere"?
- We went to Bognor last Sunday.
- You know what I mean.
Yeah, but I don't want to spoil it, Jim.
Don't be silly. It likes to be spoilt.
Um... you ever thought of getting married?
- Married? What for?
- Oh, never mind.
Oh, look at that couple dancing over there.
Something wrong?
- Er... no, no. I just dropped something.
- Oh, got it?
Yes, thank you.
Ellen, my dear,
you look absolutely ravishing tonight.
Oh, Frederick, how very nice of you to say so.
Yes.
Um... isn't Matron looking charming
over there, out of uniform.
This is the happiest moment of my life.
I should taste it first, mate, if I was you.
Yes. Ahem. Of course. Thank you.
Ellen, my dear, to you.
And to you, I'm sure.
Quite nice. (Coughs)
(Gulps) Yes.
Anyway, you won't have to worry much longer
about getting nowhere.
- Really?
- Yes. I've had an offer to go to Italy. Filming.
Italy? But that's miles away.
- Oh, clever boy.
- Oh, no, Goldie. You don't want to go, do you?
Well, no, not really, but I do have to
support myself... being a single girl.
Oh, hell. There must be some way around this.
Yes, well, you're the doctor.
Suggest something.
- I've got it.
- Yes, Jim?
There's a job going here,
in the almoner's office.
Oh, you make me so mad.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the next dance is a general excuse-me.
Excuse me!
# Lively dance music
May I, Doctor?
Miss Fosdick really looks quite gay, doesn't she?
My dear! My dear...
I can't tell you how much tonight means to me.
(Shouts over music)
Just to see your lovely face.
I beg your pardon?
(Shouts)
To hear your lovely voice.
Must you play so blasted loud?
I can hardly hear myself think!
Oh, do go on, Frederick.
- Go on?
- With what you were saying.
Oh, yes.
Oh, I've dropped my napkin. Excuse me.
- Your lovely... Your eyes like stars...
- Frederick!
I don't know whether it's me you're after
or my money,
but I wish you'd put that stupid
piece of paper down and stop messing about.
(Screams)
Dr Stoppidge! Dr Stoppidge!
Could you come, please?
Miss Armitage is having one of her turns again.
Oh, no. Would you excuse me, sir?
Of course, Dr Stoppidge. Run along.
(Miss Armitage screams)
Stay where you are.
Death before dishonour.
You keep that lusting lecher away from me.
- Who's she talking about?
- You, Doctor.
Me? Oh! I didn't think it showed.
She's been like this ever since that incident
with Dr Nookey.
She thinks every man's after her.
We can't have her
disturbing the rest of the patients like this.
Now, come, come, Miss Armitage.
We mustn't be a silly girl, must we?
Keep back. Keep back.
You know me. I'm Dr Stoppidge.
Hmph. You're all the same.
You're only after one thing.
No, no, that's quite untrue, Miss Armitage.
I only want to get you into bed.
Argh!
Get out of here,
you sex maniac!
Oh, this is all Dr Nookey's fault.
The sooner he goes, the better.
Well, you didn't exactly help matters.
- Is there a private room free?
- Yes. Number 10.
You'd better put her in there for tonight.
- I'll give you a sedative for her.
- Yes.
Right. Give her one of these.
She'll think it's the Pill, but that can't be helped.
Thank you.
- There we are, my dear.
- Thank you, Frederick.
As a matter of fact, I was wondering
if you could help me.
Of course, I'd do anything for you.
You know that, my dear.
You see, I'm in a bit of trouble.
Oh, I don't think I could do anything like that.
Well, you haven't heard what it is yet.
It's that medical mission of mine
- in the Beatific Islands.
- Oh, I see. And how can I help you there?
We lost our resident doctor some weeks ago,
and I can't find anyone to replace him.
I'm not surprised.
Any doctor would be a fool
to bury himself in a dump like that.
Well, surely you can find me someone.
I doubt it. I don't know anyone so stupid...
Oh, I don't know though...
Dr Nookey.
Oh, yes, sir?
Tell me, how would you like to have a splendid
job with a medical mission abroad?
A medical mission? Abroad?
You must be joking.
(Chuckles) A medical mission!
You see? And believe me,
they don't come any stupider than him.
If you can't do a simple thing like that to help me,
how do you expect me to help you?
- Don't be like that, Ellen.
- It isn't much to ask.
No, it isn't, and I promise you
I'll do my best to think of someone.
You'd better.
- And a fruit cup, sir.
- Thank you very much indeed.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- How's that, sir?
- I do like a bit of leg.
WAITER: Yes.
JIM: Thank you.
There we are. Sorry I've been so long.
There's ham and turkey for you, and one for me.
- I'm sorry, but it's only fruit cup.
- No, thanks. I have to watch my figure.
If I may say so, it's well worth watching.
If I don't, I blow up like a balloon.
That's all right.
I know a good game with balloons.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Now, as I was saying...
(Coughs and splutters)
Mmm-mm! Ah-ah-argh!
That's pretty good stuff. Mm.
You'll be quite all right now.
There are no men in this room.
Nurse.
# Cha-cha-cha music
Hia-hup. Hai-a-up-ah!
Ho-de-up-de-ho!
(Jim sings drunkenly)
- (Slurs) Oh, I'm very sorry.
- Simmer down.
Your boss has got his beady eye on you.
You know what he can do with his eye.
(Giggles and sings)
(Music stops)
- Phew!
That wine cup must've been good.
You forgotten you're driving me home?
It's all right, it's all right.
- What about the Breathalyser?
- What about it? I can breathe.
GOLDIE: Never mind. I'll walk home.
Oh, no, no. See, I've got an idea.
Look, stay here.
Oh, yes, and where am I going to sleep,
if that's not a silly question?
It is, see, because I've got it all worked out.
There's a private room empty.
Number 10. Shh.
I don't know. Is it allowed?
Well, of course. Who's to know?
Come on, quick, before the rush.
Jim, I don't think this is such a good idea.
- (Slurs) Nonsense, it's a wonderful idea.
- But I haven't got a nightie.
- I have.
- A nightie?
No, no. I'll lend you my japamas.
- Pyjamas.
- That's what I said, japamas.
Now, you go and get undressed
and I'll bring them to you.
Jim, darling, be sensible.
We don't want to spoil things.
We won't spoil them.
You see, they're nylon. Drip-dry.
I didn't mean the pyjamas.
Shh. Now, this is the room. Number 10.
I'll go and get them
and then we can have a little...
Oh, Jim, not that old bit.
Shh. I love you. Back soon.
(Hums to himself)
Come on. Where are you?
Ah, Moet, my old chum, your hour has come.
- Taxi'll be here in a minute, miss.
- Oh, thank you.
Would you see that Dr Nookey gets this
first thing in the morning?
- Certainly, miss.
- Thank you.
(Hums drunkenly)
Ah, you're in bed, eh?
Won't be a sec.
Just a drop of the old passion juice
to get us in the mood, eh?
Argh!
- Argh!
- It's all right, it's only the cork.
- I said, it's only...
- Argh!
Ah. Oh, no... Oh, no, not you again.
- Argh!
- No, shush.
- (Screams hysterically)
- No, I don't want you. I want my Goldie.
- (Miss Armitage screams)
- The private patients' wing!
Goldie! Where are you?
Yoo-hoo!
Gold-ie!
Dr Nookey! I might have known.
Get back, you, Carver, or I'll chop your head off.
- Get hold of him, he's mad!
- Anyone for Casualty?
Goldie!
Goldie, where are you?
Oh... Hold this.
Goldie!
Help!
Goldie!
Nurse! Nurse! Help!
Goldie!
Goldie!
Gol... Argh!
Oh!
Argh!
Look out!
He-e-e-l-p!
Oh, no.
He-e-e-l-p!
- Argh!
(Crashing and clattering)
(Giggles drunkenly)
Hm... Dr Nookey's explanation is that he went
to the private ward to see his girlfriend.
- That is correct.
- But if there was a girl, why did she disappear?
Well, you can't knock down
a coconut every time.
No, I think what Mr Carver means
is that he had arranged a clandestine meeting
with a girl who then changed her mind.
Quite so, Mr Chairman.
We shouldn't condemn a doctor to be struck off
just because he made the wrong diagnosis
of what is or is not crumpet.
"I'm sorry, darling, but I guess
I'm just an old-fashioned girl at heart
and I just don't like... wearing japamas.
Goodbye. It's been fun.
Goldie."
He can't be allowed to practise in this hospital.
Or in any other, for that matter.
Of course not,
but if I may have a quiet word with him,
I think I've a solution
that will satisfy everyone...
with the possible exception of Dr Nookey.
All right, Mr Carver.
- Bad news, sir?
- Disastrous.
In fact, in medical parlance,
you're up the alimentary canal without a paddle.
That means the medical council, then.
No, I've enough influence with the Board
to dissuade them,
if I can assure them
you'll clear off out of the country, go abroad.
- Where, though?
- There's that job with the medical mission.
Please, sir, I have not sunk that low.
All right. It's up to you.
I suppose there are other jobs for ex-doctors.
Well, where is this mission?
A place called Azure Bay in the Beatific Islands.
Very good salary, too.
The Beatific Islands.
That doesn't sound too bad.
Imagine it, Nookey. A tropical paradise.
Beautiful warm seas. The smell of oleander.
Dusky maidens. Great big coconuts.
Oh, I love great big... (Gulps) coconuts.
No shortage of them out there.
It's the heat. Has a funny effect on them.
- When can I go?
- Right away.
I couldn't do that, sir, no.
I've got things to buy and things to pack.
Shall we say... half an hour?
The Beatific Islands?!
Someone must have a sense of humour.
(Kookaburra laughs)
- Are you sure we're in the right country?
Yes, yes. All right, Dr Cookey.
- Nookey, mate, Nookey!
- Yes, yes. Cookey. I know.
Look.
PORTER: There's medical mission. Azure Bay.
Oh, gawd blimey.
Come on.
Well, give us a push.
Watch it, there's a crocogator.
Wait, please. I get mission orderly -
Mr Gladstone.
Mr Gladstone!
- Mr Gladstone!
- Gladstone?
Big white doctor from England come.
(Giggling and slapping)
I was just breaking in a new nurse.
Showing her where everything is, where it goes.
- This Dr Kinky.
- Cookey.
No, no, I mean Nookey.
I've been sent out to take over this mission.
- They didn't tell me they were sending anybody.
- No, that's obvious.
Anyway, welcome to Azure Bay, doc.
May the fertility of Sumaca swell your coconuts.
- I beg your pardon?
- It's a local greeting. Nothing personal.
- I'm the orderly here. Screwer's the name.
- Screwer?
Gladstone Screwer.
They just call me Gladstone.
I'm not altogether surprised.
- Well, may I come in?
- Eh? Oh, yes.
Katunga katunga. Chop chop.
Yargh! Ooh! Argh!
I'm sorry about that.
It's woodworm, you see.
- (Groans)
- You all right?
- Yes, just a compound fracture.
- Would you like to see the doctor?
No, I was only jok...
Doctor? You already have a doctor here?
- Not a proper one. Sort of a local medicine man.
- A witch doctor?
- What doctor?
- Witch doctor.
Yeah, witch doctor.
Good for witches but not for us.
Would you like to look round the mission now?
Oh, no. Tomorrow morning will do.
All I want now is to get a good sleep.
Oh, I see you've got a hammock.
I wouldn't use that...
(Chuckles)
Oh, well. He shouldn't last too long.
(Mosquito buzzes)
(Buzzing continues)
(Mutters angrily)
- Good morning, Mr Gladstone.
- Morning.
Thank you.
Morning, doc. Have a good sleep?
No, I didn't. Those damn mosquitoes
made a meal out of me.
- We've got lots. It's the drains.
- What's wrong with them?
- We haven't got any.
- Why not?
Mrs Moore provides the money.
What do you do with it?
You know what it's like.
There's always lots of medical supplies to buy.
It hasn't been spent on decoration.
- Coffee, doc?
- Oh, thank you.
- Coconut?
- Er, no, I'll have it black.
Mm. Unusual flavour.
Yes, locally made... from beetles.
Beetles?
- Betel nuts, that is.
- Oh, that's better.
Very interesting.
The women roast the nuts,
crush 'em in their teeth,
then spit 'em out on mats to dry.
(Gulps) Fascinating.
I'm glad to know they've got
good drying weather. I've only seen rain.
- Ooh, it only rains for nine months of the year.
- Nine months.
We're in the pregnant belt.
- What happens during the other three months?
- The hurricane period.
Great.
Rain for nine months, hurricanes for three.
That's why the natives call these islands
Allpiss N'Alfalfa.
- All rain and wind.
- Charming.
What time does this surgery open?
Any time you like, doc.
Nobody ever comes to it.
- What do you mean?
- They go to the native doctor.
- They don't trust white man's medicine.
- What the hell do I do?
There's bags to do, doc.
Swimming, if you're not worried about sharks.
The indoor sports are popular.
If you'd like me to fix you up with a bit of crum...
Oh, no, thanks.
Oh, hang on, hang on.
We've got a jigsaw puzzle. It's good.
Queen Victoria and her family. 500 pieces.
No, I'm wrong. 499.
One dropped down the whatsit.
If no-one comes here for treatment, what is the
good of spending all this money on medicines?
I mean, look, there is masses of it.
- Er...
- Just look at that. Ha.
Whisky? Where did that come from?
That? That came from an old wreck.
- What old wreck?
- The last doctor we had here.
- (Chuckles)
- This is ridiculous. Ridiculous!
I mean, just look at this place. It's a...
- Hospital?
- Nothing in there. How about some break...
- I thought you said there were no patients.
- They're not exactly patients.
- What are they doing here, then?
- Well, they're my wives and kids.
- Your wives?
- Only these five here.
Come on, I'll introduce you.
There we are.
There's... Monday, Tuesday...
...Wednesday... Thursday...
- And last, but definitely not least...
- Friday.
- That's it.
- Well, I'll be damned.
No problem with what to do
with your spare time.
I don't know.
There's not much doing at the weekend.
Um... I hope you don't mind them
stopping here, doc.
It's a pity not to use the beds,
and it saves me a long walk to the village.
Yes, and I can see you have to conserve
every ounce of your strength.
Hm, it's a good skeleton.
Did the last doctor leave it here?
- That is the last doctor.
- That does it.
Call me in a couple of weeks.
If you last that long.
Ooh!
Twit.
It's just the place, my dear.
It'll make a marvellous private clinic.
20 bedrooms. That attic studio as an operating
theatre, and those magnificent drawing rooms.
Suppose I put up the money.
What do I get out of it?
- Oh, a partnership, my dear. You know that.
- Yes, but...
- I haven't said I'd buy yet.
- Oh, come. You did agree.
- If I found a doctor for your mission...
- But I don't know if he's all right.
I haven't heard from them since he arrived.
Anything might be happening.
(Wind howls)
(Rhythmic drumming)
(Sobs)
Breakfast, doc.
Good news. The rains have stopped.
The hurricanes are here.
Yes, I had noticed that.
Here, doc. Doc... why don't you go home?
This place is no good to you.
Well, there's nothing to go home for,
is there, Gladstone?
- Nobody loves me.
- You'll go barmy if you stay here.
I've seen it happen. My own father, for instance.
He came out as a missionary.
Ah, but missionaries are good men.
People love them.
Oh, Gladstone,
why do you stay out here yourself?
Well, I was born here. I don't know any different.
- I get enough for my simple needs.
- Yes, in the hospital, eh?
Here, doc. A bit of that
wouldn't do you any harm.
Jigsaw puzzles are OK,
but they'll never replace the other.
I only want one woman.
One's enough to start with, I suppose.
- I didn't mean that exactly.
- Just listen to me.
We have a bird here, unattached. Beautiful.
I'd think about her myself,
but I'm doing a five-day week.
- No, no, no. No, thank you, no.
- Listen.
She'd do anything for you, absolutely anything.
- Anything?
- Anything.
I could do with a bit... Hic!
...of help... with my jigsaw.
Attaboy, doc. Don't move. I'll bring her in.
Scrubba!
Scrubba? That's a funny name for a girl.
- What's the matter? Don't you like?
- Oh, no.
No, no, I mean...
It's just that she's...
Look, could we be alone for a few moments?
Righto, doc, I'll be back in a minute.
- No, not me and her, you and me.
- Oh.
Oh, I see. All right, then.
Tantanga boolat.
Something's bothering you, doc.
Well, it's just that...
Well, she's a charming girl and all that,
but she's not quite what I expected.
I see. She's not big enough for you.
On the contrary, she could well have been
the original white man's burden.
I don't understand it. Out here we like 'em big.
A woman's attraction is judged by her... size.
Oh, yeah. Well, I'm quite certain her mantelpiece
is stuffed with trophies.
But you see, where I come from,
we like them sort of more...
Just a minute.
See, more like that.
- Straight?
- Well, with a bit of a wiggle here and there.
Preferably there.
If that's what you want, it's easy enough.
Just give us a week.
- Oh, Gladstone, what's the point?
(Rhythmic drumming)
Oh, those damn drums.
- Why do they keep pounding like that?
- Shh.
Hang on.
Gladstone, where are you going? Gladstone?
- (Slurs) Gladstone, Gladstone.
- Shh.
- It can't be.
- Wh-What's wrong?
Manchester United 6...
...Chelsea 1.
(Drumming continues)
Arsenal 5...
Wolves nil.
Wait here.
(Typing)
- Is Mr Carver in?
- Yes, Mrs Moore.
- I'm afraid he's seeing someone.
- That's right. Me.
Now, take a deep breath
and don't breathe out until I say so.
Good. Now...
Oh, Ellen, my dear, how fortunate.
I've got the contract for the house
for you to sign.
Never mind that. Take a look at this.
- What's this? Gladstone Screwer?
- The orderly of the medical mission. Read it.
CARVER:
"Dear Madam, it is with great regret
that I write to inform you of the disgraceful
behaviour of your new Dr Nookey.
Since coming here, he's done nothing
but drink whisky and debauch women.
Unless he's recalled,
both items will soon be exhausted.
Whilst doing this,
he's been neglecting his duties,
and all around him
the natives are dying like flies."
- Flies?!
- Flies, yes. It says flies.
(Splutters)
- What's wrong with him?
- It's all right. You can breathe out now.
- (Splutters and coughs)
- Lopus hystericum.
I knew something was going on.
I had a premonition.
- I don't know what to do.
- Then think of something.
I'll write him a stiff letter. On cardboard.
It's no joke, Frederick.
You'll have to find another doctor.
I had enough trouble getting him out there.
- Well, then, you can tear up this contract.
- No, wait.
I'll fly out there myself. Right away.
How about that?
Very well, then. So long as it is right away.
(Wind howls)
Doc. Hey, Dr Nookey.
- (Mutters) Is that Goldie?
- No, it's me. Gladstone.
I've brought that bird back.
Remember? Scrubba?
- Oh, no.
- You'll like her now. I'll bring her in. Scrubba!
GLADSTONE: Tipita katunga.
- Look, no, no, no.
I told you last week. All I want is...
- Is that the same girl?
- Of course.
(Whimpers)
But last week she was as big as a... With the...
But now look... How did she do it?
- Her doctor gave her some stuff.
- Medicine?
- Yeah. It's easy enough.
- Easy enough?
I know women back home who'd give
a fortune for that sort of stuff. A fortune.
- That is it!
- You all right, doc?
Fine. Gladstone, how does he make that stuff?
A little juice from the banyan tree,
powdered parrot droppings,
- a little gnats' milk.
- Do you think I could make it?
Oh, no. There's an art to it.
Have you ever tried to milk a gnat?
All right. But if I were to pay for it,
would he give it to me then?
- Pay?
- Yes. You know - money, ackers, gelt.
How about a hundred English cigarettes
a bottle?
- Cigarettes?
- That's the usual currency here.
Two hundred, if you like!
Two hundred?! It's a deal.
Here we are. Twice daily for a week, injected.
Cigarettes first.
Oh, no. I know you. I'll give them to him myself.
Then I can make certain of a regular supply.
Let me tell you something. That doctor is me.
You?
- Yeah.
- Him. I might have known it.
There we are. There'll be plenty more coming,
so get out your milking stool.
(Whispers)
She wants to know if she can do something
to please you now.
Oh, no...
Yes. Yes, there is.
What?
She can help me pack. I'm going back home.
Thank you, George.
I shall be going back to the clinic at 12.
(Women chatter)
ALL: Doctor!
(All talk at once)
There he is!
WOMEN: Doctor, Doctor...
Thank you, Miss Filkington-Battermore.
- Deirdre.
- Oh... Deirdre.
I don't know what I'd have done without you.
I do feel one should do everything one can
to please one's employer.
I mean, when one doesn't do
all that silly typing and shorthand,
one has to make up for it in other ways,
doesn't one?
Well, I expect so, yes.
Well, I suppose it's about time we got down to it.
Anything you say, Doctor.
I'm ready.
Oh, no. I meant to go through the letters.
Oh.
I do feel I should point out
that I like my employers
to make their needs absolutely clear, Doctor.
Well, now...
(Squeakily) Are these all...
Are these all applications for treatment?
Yes, Doctor.
Now, what time's my first appointment?
In ten minutes, Doctor.
So, if there's anything else you want...
Well, as a matter of fact, I...
I would like to have a look at my paper.
It's there for you, Doctor.
Oh, yes, I know it is.
Oh, the paper. Oh, th-th-thank you very much.
What's this? "Well-known surgeon saved"?
"Mr Frederick Carver,
eminent British surgeon,
boarding a plane last night for England.
Mr Carver was one of the survivors
of the schooner Bellavista,
which foundered in a hurricane
off the Beatific Isles last Sunday."
Keep the change.
Mr Carver, sir.
Welcome back.
How nice to see you looking so well.
Yes, never mind all that. Where's Dr Nookey?
- Where is he?
- He's not been back here.
- Not been back? What do you mean...
- Oh...
Be off with you now.
There are no beds here for vagrants.
Vagrants?! Who's that?
The new matron, sir.
The new matron?
What happened to Miss Soaper?
She left three months ago.
Left? Why? What's going on around here?
Where's Dr Stoppidge?
Oh, he'll be in his... in your office, sir.
In my office... indeed.
Hello, sir. I didn't know you were back.
Obviously you didn't. And what are you doing
lolling about in my office?
Sorry, sir. They asked me to take over
while you were away.
- We didn't know if you were coming back.
- I very nearly didn't.
I can't say I blame you, sir. All those
dusky island beauties. Pretty hot stuff.
You don't seem to realise
what I've been through.
I was three months on that wretched island.
All of them in bed, trying to stop them scratching.
Really? I'd no idea they were so passionate.
They had chickenpox, you fool, and so did I.
Surely you must have had it before.
No, I've never had it. Never had it.
I've never had it. Never had time to have it.
When I did get off the wretched island,
the boat sank.
- How awful.
- You know who's responsible?
Nookey. By the time I've finished with him,
he'll never practise medicine again.
He'll be lucky to get a job curing kippers.
Oh.
- Then you hadn't heard, sir.
- Heard what?
- It seems he's on the way to making a fortune.
- What?
He's made a wonderful new discovery
for curing chronic overweight.
Rubbish. He couldn't discover a soft cushion
as a cure for a boil on the backside.
It's true, sir. It's been in the papers.
Fancy consulting rooms, new country clinic,
more clinics to follow.
Impossible.
Where would he get the money for all that?
He's gone into partnership
with that wealthy widow. Mrs Moore.
Oh, no.
I'm afraid so, sir. There's a picture
of their new clinic in last month's journal.
That's the place she was going to buy for me!
He must be making a bloomin' fortune.
Gladstone, we'll have to get in on this.
Saturday!
Oi, Saturday!
Yes, dear. Did you call?
- Yes, I'm going to have to take a trip.
- That's nice.
- Would you like me to come?
- No, you stay here. The rest'll do you good.
CARVER: "Come unto us
all you who are heavy laden."
(Sneers)
In the first three months of business,
we've cleared L#10,000.
Marvellous. So that's what they mean
by living off the fat of the land, eh?
Jim, I'm so glad you came to me with this.
I feel it was fated, you see - us to get together.
Now, Ellen, we must keep this
purely on a business partnership.
Oh, I mean business, believe me.
(Gulps) Yes, well, er...
- About these clinics...
- Jim, I've decided...
I want to have it off.
- What?
- I want you to book me in for the cure.
Oh... oh, that.
Yes, well... How about next Monday?
The stuff should've arrived by then.
- Stuff? What stuff?
- Oh, it doesn't mean anything to you,
but I have to use certain things in my serum,
and I have to order them from abroad.
- They haven't come?
- Not this month. I've sent an urgent cable.
(Knock at door)
- Come in.
Excuse me, Doctor. Mr Carver's here.
- Frederick?
- This looks like trouble.
He was furious when he arrived.
When he saw I was working here,
he almost blew his top.
- Surely you're not afraid of Frederick, are you?
- Me?
- Yes.
- Why?
Because of me,
he spent three months on the island.
You just leave it to me. Tact, that's all it needs.
Tact and understanding.
Well, well, well.
Talk about bad pennies turning up.
Traitress, Jezebel, viper in my bosom.
Now, now. We'll have none of
that filthy talk here, if you don't mind.
What have you done to me?
This place was to be my dream.
A temple dedicated to advanced surgery.
What have you turned it into?
A lard-removing factory.
How dare you talk like that?
Jim is doing wonderful work here.
Oh, it's Jim now, is it?
He's taken away my clinic and half my staff,
and he's after you too.
He's madder than I thought.
Dr Nookey and I
enjoy a purely business relationship.
That is, he enjoys it. I can't say I do.
You won't enjoy it much longer. I'll make it
my business to expose him for the fake he is.
You're always exposing something.
How do you know it's a fake?
You haven't even seen what he's doing yet.
I don't need to. I've seen enough.
"Come unto me all you who are heavy laden."
Disgusting!
- Do you want to see the place or not?
- I may as well, now I'm here.
- I'll show you the befores first.
- The what?
The befores.
The clinic is divided into two sections -
before... and after.
Good grief. He gets worse and worse.
If he asks,
tell him I've gone to town for a year or two.
Yes, Doctor.
Dr Nookey.
Ah, Dr Nookey, I wanted a word with you.
Yes. I know what a mess I got you into
over that mission business. I'm sorry.
Don't worry about that. It was entirely my fault
for sending you out there in the first place.
A waste of a very valuable talent.
- Eh?
- You're doing a wonderful job here.
Really wonderful. Excellent results.
How do you actually do it?
Well, it's just an injection. A serum, sir.
- A serum? Really. What's in it?
- A hundred guineas a week.
No, I didn't mean that...
A hundred guineas, eh? That is interesting.
Well, naturally, the formula is a secret.
Oh, naturally. You don't want every
Tom, Dick and Harry trying to cash in on it.
Just a select few distinguished members
of the medical profession.
We don't need any more partners,
if that's what you mean.
No, no, of course you don't. I'll be getting along.
Carry on the good work, Dr Nookey.
You have my fullest support.
- Blimey, what's up with him?
- You mean, what's he up to?
It must be something he picked up
in the Beatific Islands.
Natural Diseases And Their Remedies.
- Hm.
- Ancient Tribal Medicine. Possible.
The Arts Of The Witch Doctor. Yes.
I mean, Nookey goes out there
a stupid, ignorant idiot,
and within three months
he comes back a productive genius.
I must find out what his cure is.
The way to do that
is to get someone in his clinic.
- But who? Who could I trust?
- Me.
Don't be silly. He knows you.
Yes, of course. In any case,
they're only taking in women at the moment.
Yes.
Yes. He'd never suspect a woman, would he?
No, of course he wouldn't.
But who would you get to be the woman?
(Knock at door)
- Come in.
Oh, Doctor, Miss Madder arrived this morning.
She's in her room.
- Madder?
- Melody Madder.
Oh, the film star from Italy. I remember now.
All right, I'll see her.
Could you get the scales ready?
By the way, I had a call from Mr Carver.
He's bringing a friend in for treatment.
A Lady Puddleton.
We're full.
I couldn't very well refuse him.
I owe the old basket a favour.
I'll talk them out of it when they get here.
Nobody will get any treatment if Gladstone
doesn't come through with some stuff soon.
I don't understand. What the devil's he up to?
- Eight and six, guv.
- Eight and six?
Eight and six...
That's about thirty-three, innit?
Thirty-three?
There we are.
That's for you.
Here, wait a minute!
(Knock at door)
- Come in.
Doctor, Miss Madder's here.
Be with you in a moment.
If you'd like to take your clothes off.
Same old Jim.
Goldie.
- Goldie!
- Yeah, it's me all right. Don't you like it?
Yes, yes, I do, but... Melody Madder?
Don't blame me. That was the studio's idea.
Still, it's better than Goldie Locks. Or is it?
But this is ridiculous. Why didn't you tell me?
Oh, I don't know.
I wasn't sure I wanted to see you again,
and, well, then the studio said
I had to get weight off, and here I am.
You must be joking. You expect me
to sabotage such a gorgeous figure?
Yeah, well, it may be gorgeous to you,
but it's unfashionable.
In case you hadn't noticed,
these days the bone has replaced the boobs.
Anyway, you're not going back to Italy.
You're going to stay here... with me.
No, Jim, I've waited too long for this.
And I've waited too long, too.
Now, now, you stay away from me, Jim.
- No, I don't want to.
- You won't get away from me again, Goldie.
(Draws breath sharply)
- Do you mind?
- As a matter of fact, I don't.
Well, I do.
How about it, then?
Who are you? What are you doing here?
- Screwer's the name. Gladstone Screwer.
- Gladstone...
Oh, well, I'm the matron here.
My name's Miss Soaper.
Soaper? I don't like that much.
I know, I'll call you Sunday.
Well, I won't be in.
Come and see Dr Nookey. He's been
rather worried about you. This way, please.
Argh!
This way.
Gladstone.
Well, well, doc, that's a new one on me.
Wh-Wh-What are you doing here?
That's the one you were telling me about.
The flat one with the bit of here-and-there.
Is that how you refer to me?!
No, not exactly. Look, I'll explain later.
Matron, take Miss Madder to her room, please.
Be a good girl.
Why are you here?
And why haven't you sent that stuff this month?
Stuff?
Oh, that stuff you were so clever to discover.
Oh, well, that wasn't my idea.
Um... you know what newspapers are like.
Yes, big pieces of paper with print on them.
Yes, but why didn't you send it?
I thought I'd bring it myself and see
the famous clinic that's making lots of money.
You brought it!
Gladstone, I knew you wouldn't let me down.
But you didn't have to go to all that trouble
to bring it.
It was no trouble at all. I enjoyed the trip.
Well, I won't delay you.
You'll want to enjoy the trip back.
No, no rush. I thought I'd stay for a little while.
No, you can't do that.
No, you see, you'd hate it.
There's nothing here.
And I don't suppose you brought your wives?
I've only got one left now. Saturday.
Miss Fosdick, old Carver's secretary.
She stayed. Made me get rid of the others.
Said she hadn't come all that way
to start queuing. Whisky?
No, thanks. About this stuff...
We ought to drink to our new partnership.
- Partnership?
- You know, when you split everything fifty-fifty.
Oh, I couldn't do that, Gladstone.
I've got a partner already, you see.
But I would be more than happy
to increase the payments.
Shall we say king-size cigarettes?
I'd rather have half the money
and I'll buy my own smokes.
I'm afraid I can't do that, Gladstone.
- Think it over. I'm sure you'll agree.
- So, you won't let me have the stuff unless I do.
Oh, I didn't say that.
I wouldn't do a rotten thing like that.
Hang on... That's the one.
Thank you, but I want it understood -
no partnership.
- We'll see tomorrow.
- Hey, hey, hey. It looks a bit thicker than usual.
Yes, at this time of year,
the gnats' milk gets a bit rich.
(Knock at door)
- Come in.
Excuse me. I think you ought to know
Mr Carver's just driven up.
Oh, he came out our way.
I'd like to see him again.
Oh, no, you mustn't.
It's not the same Carver. It's another bloke.
You sit and enjoy your drink.
(Whispers)
Matron was wondering
if you'd like to go to her room with her.
- It's a bit early, but I'll just finish my drink.
- No, now. She can't wait for it.
I mean, for you to finish the drink.
This way, Mr Gladstone, and down the corridor.
Please hurry.
I've heard of "swinging Britain",
but this is ridiculous.
- Try and keep him here till Carver's gone.
- Yes. This way.
- Oh, it's you, sir. Do come in.
- Thank you.
I have a rather important patient.
Come this way, Lady Puddleton. Don't be shy.
- We've no room.
- I'd be grateful if you'd take her.
It means quite a lot to me,
and she is very distinguished.
Ah, this is Dr Nookey, my dear.
- How do you do?
- Oh, hello.
You can see her ladyship's trouble.
She is top-heavy.
- Definitely. The top is heavy.
- It is heavy. It interferes with her riding.
Gets in the way of the horse's head.
Can't see where you're going, can you?
No, poor thing.
I hope you'll start the treatment right away.
Actually, we're full up at the moment,
so if you don't mind sharing a room
- with someone else...
- Oh, no. As long as it's with another man.
- I beg your pardon?
- No, no, your ladyship. You can't do that here.
You know the trouble with these country folk -
off the horse and on the job.
Well, I'll leave you with Dr Nookey.
Thank you very much, Dr Nookey.
- Good luck, Lady Puddleton.
- (Hisses) Wait.
I can't share with a woman.
What about undressing?
You're a doctor.
She'll have nothing to surprise you.
No, but I'll have something to surprise her.
I'll come back late tonight
to see how you're getting on,
and we can leave together
if you've already had it.
Had it? Had what?
(Whispers) The treatment, you fool.
Anyway, don't worry, my dear.
Dr Nookey will take good care of you.
- Won't you, Doctor?
- Of course. She'll be all right with me.
- Thank you so much.
- Now, you must try to relax, Lady Puddleton.
As soon as you've met the other girls...
Dr Nookey! Dr Nookey!
I must talk to you at once.
Oh, well, very well, Matron. In my office, please.
Would you excuse me, Lady Puddleton?
I won't be a moment. Just sit down.
- Thank you.
(Creaking)
(Creaking)
You needn't wait, Doctor, I'm quite all right.
(Creaking)
(Creaking)
Funny woman. Funny woman.
Well, Matron, what's your problem, eh?
I'm sorry, Doctor,
but I cannot stay with that man any longer.
That's all right. Carver's gone now.
- Why, what happened?
- I'd rather not say.
All he seems to think about is whisky and sex.
Where he comes from, they can't get soda.
- That's not funny, Doctor.
- No.
You shouldn't have him here
with all these women.
That's all right.
I aim to get rid of him as soon as I can.
But there's something that's worrying me
even more.
- What's that?
- That Lady Puddleton.
I don't know what it is,
but there is something very peculiar about her.
It's old Stoppidge. Well, I'll be damned.
- So that's what they're up to, eh?
- What a dirty trick. Fancy Mr Carver doing that.
- You'll get rid of him at once, of course.
- Yes... No!
No, he's come for the treatment
and he's going to get it.
The full treatment.
This is our chance to teach him and Gladstone
a lesson they will never forget.
- Oh, there you are, Gladstone.
- Hello, doc.
Hello, Nurse.
Look, we're full up at the moment, as I told you,
but Matron here has very kindly said
that you can sleep in her room tonight.
That's what I call real hospitality.
I am moving in with Nurse Trumper.
What's the matter with her? Frigid?
You'll find that the women over here
aren't quite so uninhibited, Gladstone.
What about this submissive society
I heard about?
As a matter of fact, there is one woman here
who definitely fancies you.
- Only one?
- Well, this'll be enough.
- Her name's Lady Puddleton.
- Oh?
Tallish woman. Hatchet... thin-faced.
- With glasses.
- Oh, yes, yes. I saw her. The one with the big...
That's him... her. Not much to look at, mind you.
We don't bother much about looks
where I come from. The nights are very dark.
Oh, Lady Puddleton,
I don't think you've met Mrs Moore.
- How do you do?
- Oh, hello.
You'll be sharing her room.
I believe we have a mutual friend,
Lady Puddleton - Mr Carver.
- Oh, yes, indeed.
- Such a charming man. A trifle slow perhaps.
- Have you known him long?
- Rather.
We roomed together at medical school.
Good evening, ladies.
Well, I'm pleased to tell you
that your big moment has arrived.
As soon as you're all in bed,
I shall be round to give you your first injection.
Right, off you go, ladies.
MRS MOORE: Oh, come along, dear.
Except Miss Madder and Lady Puddleton,
that is.
Don't try and stop me.
I'm definitely having that treatment.
I'm not trying to stop you, but you
and Lady Puddleton have yet to be weighed.
Oh, well, that's all right, then.
So if you'd both go to my office with Matron
and do it now. Stripped, of course.
- Come along, Lady Puddleton.
- Er... Doctor...
- I can't possibly undress in front of other people.
- Oh, and why not?
Well, you see, I've got... (Whispers)
Yes, you have, haven't you?
Never mind, nobody's going to look.
After all, it's all girls together, isn't it, eh?
Come on.
Your tyres are a bit flat.
Let's see the rest of you.
Ah, Gladstone. I don't think
you've met Mr Screwer, Lady Puddleton.
- How do you do?
- Hello.
See you later. Matron's room.
- Come along, Lady Puddleton.
- No, I'm going straight to bed.
No, darling, do what the doctor says first.
I can wait.
In you go, Lady Puddleton.
Argh!
(Squeals and screams)
Blimey, she can't wait.
Good evening, miss.
Don't worry, it's just a little prick.
(Toilet flushes)
Oh, what a pretty nightdress, your ladyship.
I never had one myself.
I always sleep in the raw, you know.
My husband preferred it that way.
He was a very active man.
I wonder if you'd mind unhooking this for me.
Oh, thank you so much. It's nice to think
we shan't be needing these things much longer.
(Knock at door)
- Come in.
Well, well, and how are we getting on, then?
Oh, like a house on fire, aren't we, dear?
That's fine, that's fine.
I bet you girls will have plenty to talk about.
- Now, who's first?
- Oh, me. Where do you have it?
- Face down on the bed, please.
- Oh, there.
Right, hold still, now.
Right, now it's your turn... Lady Puddleton.
Right, thank you, Matron.
No! No. I can't have it there.
We like to put it in a place
where it won't be seen, your ladyship.
Well, I'll have it in my arm, then.
I always keep that well covered.
Very well, if you wish.
- Might I ask what is in the serum?
- Most certainly.
Let's see, there's banyan tree juice,
powdered parrot droppings and gnats' milk.
Ow!
(Chuckles) Course,
I can't tell you the proportions. Secret, shh.
Right, well, good night, ladies, and sleep tight.
(Matron giggles)
I'd love to watch those two
for the rest of the night. Is that all, then?
- Only Miss Madder left now, Doctor.
- Oh, well, I'll see to her, Matron.
Yes, Doctor.
- Good night, Doctor.
- And you, Matron.
(Knock at door)
- Come in.
- Good evening, Miss Madder.
- Good evening, Doctor.
Time for your injection.
That is, if you still want to have it.
I can't think of anything else I'd rather have.
Right. Turn over, please.
I'll need your nightie pulled up.
Go ahead. I'm sure you've had
plenty of practice at doing that.
All right.
Look, are you absolutely sure you want me to...
Absolutely.
All right, then.
Good night and good luck.
(Knock at door)
Come right in, darling, everything's rea...
- Oh, it's you.
- Yes.
I'm sorry to disappoint you, Mr Screwer,
but I require some nightclothes.
Help yourself.
You don't have to move out. It's a big bed.
As I told you earlier today,
I'm not your sort of woman.
- I don't mean anything nasty. I'll marry you first.
- Are you mad?
- Marry me in the middle of the night?
- Where I come from, it's a simple ceremony.
We just make a quick cut
in each other's left hands,
put them together,
say "we are one" and it's legal.
Oh, I see.
Sort of... instant wedlock.
- Out there they call it a bleedin' ceremony.
- Yes, they often call it that here, too.
- Right, you ready, then?
- No!
No, I have no urge to marry you.
Oh, don't worry about that.
The urge comes later.
No. Thank you, but no.
OK. You'll feel different when I'm a partner here.
Fortunately, that is something you will never be,
Mr Screwer.
No?
I wouldn't be too sure about that. (Chuckles)
There. Oh, that's better.
I er... I wonder if you'd mind
rubbing some talc on my back.
I'm ready, dear.
Oh, sir! Thank goodness you're here.
- What's happened?
- Nothing yet.
- Have you had it?
- Up to the neck.
- The treatment, you fool.
- I've had the lot.
(Door opens)
- Quick, in here.
Well, what is it?
- It's an injection.
- Yes, but do you know what's in it?
- Yes, he told me.
- That's marvellous. What is it?
Now, let me see... Er... it's banyan tree juice,
powdered parrots' milk and gnats' droppings.
- What?
- It could be the other way around.
- Are you being funny?
- That's what he said.
You fool! He was having you on.
Well, I'll show him.
Listen, next time you have to have an injection,
you must pinch some of the stuff.
Oh, no, there is not going to be a next.
I'm not staying here.
But you must.
I can't. It's bad enough
having to sleep with a woman,
but there's a horrible man chasing me as well.
Don't be ridiculous.
What man in his right mind would do that?
Do you mind?
He's invited me to go to his room tonight.
He must be mad. Who is he? What's his name?
Oh, it's Gladstone or something.
Gladstone?
Oh, it's all making sense.
Not to me.
Oh, it's marvellous.
And he wants you to go to his room tonight?
- Yes.
- Off you go, then.
All right.
Go on. I'll be out here if you get into any trouble.
Who is it?
Well...
I'd almost given you up.
- I can't stay very long.
- As long as it's long enough.
- I still feel a bit weak after the injections.
- Come and lie down on the bed.
- I wonder what's in it.
- What, the bed?
- No, silly, the injections.
- Who cares?
- I bet you know, a clever man like you.
- Maybe.
Do tell me. I'm dying to know.
I'll have to get to know you a bit better first.
- What are you doing?
- We have to get married first.
- What?
- Doesn't hurt much, just a quick slash.
I don't want a quick...
I don't want to get married.
Suit yourself.
Only don't come complaining to me afterwards.
- You mustn't.
- Ooh, playing hard to get.
Come here.
- You little tease. Come here.
- No, listen...
- Come here, come on.
- Aargh!
(Gladstone chuckles) Hello?
Oh, blimey! It couldn't have been!
It was! Dr Nookey!
Dr Nookey! Dr Nookey!
Dr Nookey, where are you?
Come on, let's get out of here.
Doctor!
(Gasps) No good. In here, quick.
Dr Nookey!
All right, what's wrong?
What's the matter?
- That woman, Lady Piddleton...
- Puddleton.
- She's a fella.
- I know. How did you find out?
- I'd hate to tell you.
- Where is she now?
- She went through there.
- It's time we had a talk.
Look, the serum!
Just what we've been looking for.
- Serum?
- Yeah.
Well, what's in it?
Search me. It might as well be gnats' milk.
- You try it. You've done analysis.
- Yes.
- Peurgh!
- No, put some on your tongue. Taste it.
Ah-ha!
(Splutters and gurgles)
DR NOOKEY: So that's your little game.
- I'll trouble you for that bottle, sir.
- No, Nookey, I'm keeping this.
The Medical Council will be interested in this -
Dr Nookey's brilliant discovery.
Just a minute. Can't we talk this over?
There's nothing to talk over,
unless you're offering me a partnership.
- I've already got a partner.
- Yes, but I've got the stuff.
Oh, no, you haven't, mate. I have.
You mean this isn't the weight-reducing serum?
No, that stuff does something very queer.
Well, what does it do?
- (Woman screams)
- You're just about to find out.
(Women talk at once)
- A sex change?
- Good gracious.
ALL: Bye.
Well, how about a kiss, Mrs Nookey, eh?
You didn't have a very close shave
this morning.
Don't worry, darling, I will before tonight.
- (Cheering)
ALL: Bye-bye!
Captioned by Grantman Brown
They've started early today.
(Screams)
Oh, hello. What is it, Miss Armitage?
What's the matter?
- (Whimpers)
- I'm so sorry, I'm not dipped.
What happened?
What frightened you, Miss Armitage?
Wh-What's all the fuss about?
I might have known. Dr Nookey,
what have you been doing to this patient?
Doing? To her? You must be joking.
I was just having a shower
when she suddenly barged in.
That is the women's washroom.
W- Women's washroom?
Well, it was only changed yesterday, Doctor,
while the women's is being redecorated.
The notice isn't very clear.
That is no excuse.
I think you owe this lady an apology.
I'm most terribly sorry, Miss...
(Screams)
DOCTOR: Miss Armitage!
- Don't forget my appointment.
- Ooh!
Don't you start.
Ohh! Why do they put such awkward handles
on these doors?
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir,
but there seems to have been an awful mistake.
Your medical career is notorious
for its ups and downs.
- Now we appear to have reached the bottom.
- Ooh!
Pay attention, everyone.
The head surgeon is making his rounds.
Sit up straight.
- Sit up straight.
- You must be joking.
The point is, sir, as senior house surgeon,
it is my job to see
that the hospital runs with efficiency.
- Dr Nookey is a disrupting influence.
- Oh, don't go on so, Stoppidge.
I can't sack every doctor who goes in the wrong
washroom and makes an exhibition of himself.
- Who was that woman?
- Miss Armitage. She's in for observation.
Is she? All I can say is she observed
a darn sight more than she bargained for.
There's more to it than that, sir.
There have been other incidents with nurses.
Oh, come, come, Stoppidge. We both know that
young doctors indulge in a bit of jiggery-pokery.
Sir, I do not object to jiggery,
but I do take exception to pokery.
Excuse me, sir...
Ah, this is the new kidney case, I suppose.
- Oh, yes, sir. Mr Bean.
- Ah, kidney bean!
Well, Mr Bean, how are you? Any pain?
A bit, sir,
especially when I pass water.
The best thing for you to do, Mr Bean,
is to stop passing it.
Every time you come to some,
stop and turn back.
- Has he been X-rayed?
- Yes, sir.
- I'd like to see his plates.
- Yes, of course.
I mean his X-ray plates.
I beg your pardon. Matron.
Nurse.
Thank you.
Ah. Hm. Yes.
It's a stone.
No? I thought it was a trouser button.
Mr Bean, do you wear a zip on your trousers?
Why, yes.
It's a stone. It'll have to come out right away.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Don't keep plucking at me, I'm not a chicken.
I'm sorry, but you have an appointment
at the Berkeley Nursing Home.
- It can wait.
- With Mrs Moore.
And she... Oh, yes, that's different.
She's a wealthy private patient of mine.
I took her appendix out the other day.
I hope you both had a nice time.
I'll make the jokes if you don't mind, Stoppidge.
- All right, Fosdick, get the car.
- But, sir, what about the operation?
You can handle it.
I hear you're a good kidney winkler.
- Sir, I've never done this kind of op before.
- You'll handle it.
- I'll lend you my penknife.
- Penknife?!
Yes, it's got one of those things
for taking out stones.
Oh, but, sir, I do need your advice.
- Come with me in the car. I'll explain it.
- Thank you, sir.
Mr Bean! Come back!
CARVER: Bend over and I'll demonstrate.
Perfectly straightforward, you see.
You make your incision here. Stop squirming.
Isn't the incision rather high up, sir?
I don't want to take a lump off his coccyx.
High up? Certainly not.
Have you got a skin pencil?
Show me the position of a normal kidney.
I would say it's just about... there.
What's that supposed to be? A cashew nut?
- His kidney.
- What, that silly little thing?
- He's not a hamster.
- All right.
Perhaps... just a bit larger.
No, no, no. It's not even in the right place.
Here. I'll show you.
(Giggles)
Now, there. There. That's where you'll find it.
Oh, no, sir. I beg to differ.
That is where his liver is.
Nonsense.
The liver's not there, it's there. There, you see?
- And there's the backbone.
- (Giggles)
Would you mind doing that again, sir?
Yes, sir, please do.
- Thank you, Nurse.
(Buzzer)
Mrs Beasley, please.
And about time too.
- (Groans)
- Ah, good morning, Mrs Beasley.
- And what's wrong with you today?
- That's for you to find out, innit, Doctor?
Any rate...
I brought you this sample
what you asked me for.
The correct word for it is a "specimen",
Mrs Beasley.
You call it what you like, Doctor.
I know what I'd call it...
Not in front of Sister, please, Mrs Beasley.
And while we're on about it,
you ought to give us bottles with wider tops.
I had a hell of a job getting that in there.
You ought to have used a funnel, Mrs Beasley.
I tried one of those.
It just kept running out the other end.
- Well, never mind. You've done splendidly.
- It's all right, is it?
Fresh as a mountain stream.
Not much wrong in that department.
No, there may not be much wrong there,
but that doesn't mean
there isn't something wrong with the rest of me.
I mean, there's the bowels, to start with.
They're driving me mad.
- Nothing don't seem to shift 'em.
- Have you tried a laxative?
Not bowels, Doctor. Bells.
Ringing in my ear holes all day long, they are.
Oh, I see. I beg your pardon.
Please go on, Mrs Beasley.
There's a swelling what comes up at night...
Course, when the palpitations start
it wakes me up,
and I turn over and that wakes him up.
And 'fore I know where I am,
- he's at it again.
- At it?
Grousing.
"You woke me up. (Mutters)"
Oh, I see.
Well, have you tried using separate beds?
He won't have it, Doctor.
Says it's denying him his convivial rights.
Yes, well, um... I'll get Sister to give you
some sleeping tablets for it, Mrs Beasley.
- Now, I really must get on.
- This way, Mrs Beasley.
(Groans) Ooh, Doctor. I never told you
about the rheumatism in my right leg.
Well, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just old age.
But my left leg's as old.
I don't get no rheumatism in that.
All right, you win, Mrs Beasley.
Sister, would you give her some tablets for it?
Yes, Doctor. Come along, Mrs Beasley.
Thank you, Doctor. See you tomorrow.
Who's next, Sister?
Just Mr Pullen for his hormone injections.
SISTER: You can bring Mr Pullen in, Nurse.
Come along, Mr Pullen. You're next.
Up we get. That's it.
Now, hold on tight round my waist.
Not too tight.
Stop it. Behave yourself.
- (Whispers)
- Yes, I know what you'd like to do to me.
Isn't he awful? You'd think at his age... Ohh!
Take Dr Stoppidge back and then return for me.
Come along, Fosdick.
- Morning, Mr Carver.
- Morning, Matron.
- Mrs Moore is ready for you. Go right in.
- Thank you, Matron.
My dear Mrs Moore. Why, you're looking
very well today. How are you feeling?
Oh, I feel wonderful, Mr Carver.
I'd no idea that having one's appendix out
could be so exhilarating.
I feel ten years younger.
Splendid, splendid.
Be honest, now. Do I look like a woman of 40?
You really feel as young as that?
No, that's what I am.
Yes, I was just joking, of course.
And er... you're leaving today, are you?
Yes. I shan't be sorry. This bed's all right,
but I miss my Slap and Tickle.
- What?
- Slap and Tickle. They're my Siamese.
- They always sleep on my bed.
- Yes, of course.
Not that I'm not grateful
for all that you've done for me.
They told me you were a wonderful surgeon.
Well, I suppose I am a cut above the rest.
Yes, and, you know, I've been thinking.
I'd like to show my appreciation in some way.
Come, now. Just because you're a widow, that's
no reason why I should take advantage of you.
I don't mind being taken advantage of...
now and then.
Well, since you've mentioned it,
there is something I would like to do.
Yes?
For many years now, I've had a dream.
A dream of something that would bring hope
and comfort to millions of suffering people.
The Frederick Carver Foundation.
What's that, some sort of corset?
No, no. A private clinic.
But, alas, it would be a very costly project.
- Five hundred thou...
- I didn't mean that sort of appreciation.
Not financially. I don't do that sort of thing.
Oh, don't be modest, Mrs Moore.
What about the medical mission you set up
in the Beatific Islands?
Oh, that was different. My husband died there
and I wanted to show my gratitude.
- I mean for the way they looked after him.
- Quite, quite.
TANNOY: Dr Clarke to reception, please.
Hello, Doctor. Another bill for you. (Chuckles)
- Wotcher, Jim.
- Oh, hello, Henry.
- Swotting up on anatomy?
- Yes.
I could do with some fine surgical equipment
like that.
Well, who couldn't? Fed up, then?
You're joking.
I'm getting fed up with this place, Henry.
Specialise, that's what I'd like to do.
The old Harley Street bit, with bags
of lovely filthy-rich women patients.
What would you specialise in?
Don't know. The only thing I'm good at
you get struck off for.
HENRY: There goes one of my patients.
Do you fancy a game of diagnosis?
What, with him? What, half a dollar?
Right, OK. Let's see.
JIM: Sallow complexion, droopy eyelids...
- I'd say pernicious anaemia.
HENRY: Sorry. Cirrhosis.
Damn. Wait a minute. How about that one?
JIM: Double or quits.
HENRY: He's not one of mine.
- Still, have a go.
- All right.
HENRY: I'd say a slipped disc.
JIM: Never. Must be... haemorrhoids.
And a very bad case, too.
- Let's ask him, eh?
- All right.
Excuse me, sir.
My friend and I are doing spot diagnoses.
I was wondering if you could help.
I'd say you've got haemorrhoids, and he thinks
it's a slipped disc. Could you tell us?
Er... let me see, now.
- You thought it was a slipped disc.
- Right.
- I'm afraid you were wrong.
- Ah.
You thought it was haemorrhoids.
I'm afraid you were wrong.
- What, then?
- As a matter of fact,
I thought I was going to break wind.
I'm afraid I was wrong.
- Excuse me.
TANNOY: Dr Nookey wanted in Casualty.
TANNOY: Dr Nookey to Casualty.
- See you later, Henry.
- Well, what is it, Matron?
- Accident from the film studios. Just coming in.
- Something the matter?
- I-I've just seen you. On a pin-up calendar.
Oh, yes, could be. I did do some modelling once.
Not for long. Those photographers
expect too much for their money.
Well, what an extraordinary coincidence, eh?
I was just saying to myself
I could do with a bit of...
Yes, well, er... what happened to you, then?
- Here's the accident report, Doctor.
- Oh, thank you.
Let's see. Miss Locks.
Severe bruising and possible fracture.
That's right. You see, I was posing on top of
this enormous packet and I slipped and fell.
Oh, I see... I think.
Well, we'd better have a closer look at you,
hadn't we? If you would, Matron.
Cor... (Splutters)
- What's wrong?
- Oh, nothing. No, nothing at all.
(Chuckles) It's all marvellous.
What happened to your clothes, Miss Locks?
This is all that I was wearing.
I was doing an advertisement.
Just for interest, what were you advertising?
Bristol's Bouncing Baby Food.
I can see the connection now.
I can't see any sign of bruising.
Can you, Doctor?
Oh, no, I fell on my backside.
I haven't got anything in front.
- Oh, I wouldn't say that.
- Oh, cheeky.
I think we'd better turn you over, hadn't we?
Turn over, please, Miss Locks.
(Splutters) Cor.
- Can you see them?
- Oh, yes, not half!
Oh, yes, yes. Nasty. Very nasty.
Tell me if this hurts you, would you?
Oh, haven't you got hot hands?
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Well, I don't think
there's much of a fracture here.
Do you feel any fever or giddiness?
Yes, I do feel a bit hot.
I meant Miss Locks.
Oh, yes. We'd better check you for that.
Would you turn over again, please?
Well, that one's all right.
- Will you want an X-ray, Doctor?
- Pardon?
(Amplified) Do you wish an X-ray?
Ooh. Yes, as soon as you can set one up,
please, Matron.
Thank you.
It's the pulse bit now. May I have your hand?
Shouldn't it be my wrist?
Oh. Oh, yes, of course.
We should get the results any minute now.
Oh, I hope they're all right.
I've got a screen test tomorrow.
- What's your first name?
- Goldie.
Goldie.
Oh, Goldie Locks.
I know, it's shocking,
but I sort of got stuck with it.
- What's your real name, then?
- Maud. Maud Boggins.
Oh, well, never mind, eh? Goldie's a nice name.
What's your name?
Jimmy. Jimmy Nookey.
You're not much better off, are you?
No. Look, Goldie, how about you
coming out with me one evening, eh?
- What for?
- Well, a spot of dinner, dancing and stuff.
I don't mind the dinner and dancing,
- but don't expect anything else.
- Oh, I don't.
GOLDIE: So long as you know.
There we are, Jimmy. No sign of a fracture.
Whoopee! No fracture!
There will be if you go on like that.
- Ooh. Can I go now?
- There's no hurry, is there?
- Would you like to have a look around?
- All right.
- Good. We'll start with my room.
- No, thanks. I've seen your room.
Here, I like your telly.
Do you? Just a minute, I'll show you what's on.
Now, let's see. (Mutters to himself)
Contact.
And now, before your very eyes.
(Chinese accent)
Our genuine Chinese spare ribs.
Profile, miss. Ask me the time.
What's the time?
4:25.
- Have a go.
- Yeah.
Whoops.
- Well, how do I look?
- Hm. Bony.
I don't know what I see in you.
I wish I could see myself.
Just a minute,
I might be able to get a print of this. Let's see.
(Machine whirs)
Say cheese.
(Machine bleeps)
(Goldie screams)
Just st-stay where you are.
I'll pull the main fuse out.
(Patient moans)
(Muffled moans)
(All buzzers sound at once)
Coming.
(Squeals)
(Sirens and bells ring)
I wouldn't have thought it possible for one man
to create such utter chaos.
We've only returned to normal this morning.
I- I know, sir.
The trouble is, I just can't help myself.
On the contrary, you always help yourself.
Sir, do we have to prolong this?
I'll just hand in my resignation.
Oh, no, no. There's no need for resignation.
Everyone has a bit of fun now and again.
Do they, sir?
As a matter of fact, I think you can help me.
I've got a bit of a sex problem myself.
Ooh, well, you don't have to around here, sir.
There's a little nurse in Ward B...
No, no, I don't mean the physical side.
I know what's what and where's where.
You can't be a surgeon
without noticing these things.
No, of course not, sir.
I'm taking this lady to dinner and, I'll be frank,
I want to... impress her, if you see what I mean.
- I do, sir. You're on the make.
- Yes...
In a manner of speaking. And I haven't had
much experience in these matters.
Oh, I see, sir.
Well, if I were you, as soon as you've
sat her down, I'd er... give her the business.
- What, sitting down?
- Start chatting her up. A bit of flannel.
How beautiful you are.
What lovely big eyes you have.
And other things.
I couldn't say "What lovely big other things."
- Blimey, you haven't had much experience.
- No.
How about if I jotted down a few lines
and you can try them out?
You'd do that for me? Oh,
that would be most kind of you, Dr Nookey!
- Is Dr Nookey still in there?
- Yes, Doctor.
(Chuckles) I'd hate to be in his shoes.
Still, it's high time
he were taken down a peg or two.
I expect that'll give you great pleasure, Doctor.
DR CARVER: I'm sorry, but I've got to say it.
You're the most wonderful person I've ever met.
Every time I look into your beautiful eyes
I'm filled with ecstasy.
DR NOOKEY: Now hold hands. That's good.
DR CARVER: What a lovely little hand
you've got.
DR NOOKEY: Kiss it, then.
Oh, that's it. Oh, I adore you.
DR CARVER: I...
Jolly good, sir. By this time,
you'll have got her on the run already.
Please go on.
My darling, I must tell you.
Now, you do something exciting to me.
Eh?
No, no, look. Oh, my darling, I must tell you now.
You do something exciting to me.
Oh, sorry.
# Light jazz
Do you realise we've known each other
for four whole weeks now?
Yeah. Do you think that's a record?
I don't know. It's the longest I've been out
with a girl without getting somewhere.
What do you mean,
"without getting somewhere"?
- We went to Bognor last Sunday.
- You know what I mean.
Yeah, but I don't want to spoil it, Jim.
Don't be silly. It likes to be spoilt.
Um... you ever thought of getting married?
- Married? What for?
- Oh, never mind.
Oh, look at that couple dancing over there.
Something wrong?
- Er... no, no. I just dropped something.
- Oh, got it?
Yes, thank you.
Ellen, my dear,
you look absolutely ravishing tonight.
Oh, Frederick, how very nice of you to say so.
Yes.
Um... isn't Matron looking charming
over there, out of uniform.
This is the happiest moment of my life.
I should taste it first, mate, if I was you.
Yes. Ahem. Of course. Thank you.
Ellen, my dear, to you.
And to you, I'm sure.
Quite nice. (Coughs)
(Gulps) Yes.
Anyway, you won't have to worry much longer
about getting nowhere.
- Really?
- Yes. I've had an offer to go to Italy. Filming.
Italy? But that's miles away.
- Oh, clever boy.
- Oh, no, Goldie. You don't want to go, do you?
Well, no, not really, but I do have to
support myself... being a single girl.
Oh, hell. There must be some way around this.
Yes, well, you're the doctor.
Suggest something.
- I've got it.
- Yes, Jim?
There's a job going here,
in the almoner's office.
Oh, you make me so mad.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the next dance is a general excuse-me.
Excuse me!
# Lively dance music
May I, Doctor?
Miss Fosdick really looks quite gay, doesn't she?
My dear! My dear...
I can't tell you how much tonight means to me.
(Shouts over music)
Just to see your lovely face.
I beg your pardon?
(Shouts)
To hear your lovely voice.
Must you play so blasted loud?
I can hardly hear myself think!
Oh, do go on, Frederick.
- Go on?
- With what you were saying.
Oh, yes.
Oh, I've dropped my napkin. Excuse me.
- Your lovely... Your eyes like stars...
- Frederick!
I don't know whether it's me you're after
or my money,
but I wish you'd put that stupid
piece of paper down and stop messing about.
(Screams)
Dr Stoppidge! Dr Stoppidge!
Could you come, please?
Miss Armitage is having one of her turns again.
Oh, no. Would you excuse me, sir?
Of course, Dr Stoppidge. Run along.
(Miss Armitage screams)
Stay where you are.
Death before dishonour.
You keep that lusting lecher away from me.
- Who's she talking about?
- You, Doctor.
Me? Oh! I didn't think it showed.
She's been like this ever since that incident
with Dr Nookey.
She thinks every man's after her.
We can't have her
disturbing the rest of the patients like this.
Now, come, come, Miss Armitage.
We mustn't be a silly girl, must we?
Keep back. Keep back.
You know me. I'm Dr Stoppidge.
Hmph. You're all the same.
You're only after one thing.
No, no, that's quite untrue, Miss Armitage.
I only want to get you into bed.
Argh!
Get out of here,
you sex maniac!
Oh, this is all Dr Nookey's fault.
The sooner he goes, the better.
Well, you didn't exactly help matters.
- Is there a private room free?
- Yes. Number 10.
You'd better put her in there for tonight.
- I'll give you a sedative for her.
- Yes.
Right. Give her one of these.
She'll think it's the Pill, but that can't be helped.
Thank you.
- There we are, my dear.
- Thank you, Frederick.
As a matter of fact, I was wondering
if you could help me.
Of course, I'd do anything for you.
You know that, my dear.
You see, I'm in a bit of trouble.
Oh, I don't think I could do anything like that.
Well, you haven't heard what it is yet.
It's that medical mission of mine
- in the Beatific Islands.
- Oh, I see. And how can I help you there?
We lost our resident doctor some weeks ago,
and I can't find anyone to replace him.
I'm not surprised.
Any doctor would be a fool
to bury himself in a dump like that.
Well, surely you can find me someone.
I doubt it. I don't know anyone so stupid...
Oh, I don't know though...
Dr Nookey.
Oh, yes, sir?
Tell me, how would you like to have a splendid
job with a medical mission abroad?
A medical mission? Abroad?
You must be joking.
(Chuckles) A medical mission!
You see? And believe me,
they don't come any stupider than him.
If you can't do a simple thing like that to help me,
how do you expect me to help you?
- Don't be like that, Ellen.
- It isn't much to ask.
No, it isn't, and I promise you
I'll do my best to think of someone.
You'd better.
- And a fruit cup, sir.
- Thank you very much indeed.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- How's that, sir?
- I do like a bit of leg.
WAITER: Yes.
JIM: Thank you.
There we are. Sorry I've been so long.
There's ham and turkey for you, and one for me.
- I'm sorry, but it's only fruit cup.
- No, thanks. I have to watch my figure.
If I may say so, it's well worth watching.
If I don't, I blow up like a balloon.
That's all right.
I know a good game with balloons.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Now, as I was saying...
(Coughs and splutters)
Mmm-mm! Ah-ah-argh!
That's pretty good stuff. Mm.
You'll be quite all right now.
There are no men in this room.
Nurse.
# Cha-cha-cha music
Hia-hup. Hai-a-up-ah!
Ho-de-up-de-ho!
(Jim sings drunkenly)
- (Slurs) Oh, I'm very sorry.
- Simmer down.
Your boss has got his beady eye on you.
You know what he can do with his eye.
(Giggles and sings)
(Music stops)
- Phew!
That wine cup must've been good.
You forgotten you're driving me home?
It's all right, it's all right.
- What about the Breathalyser?
- What about it? I can breathe.
GOLDIE: Never mind. I'll walk home.
Oh, no, no. See, I've got an idea.
Look, stay here.
Oh, yes, and where am I going to sleep,
if that's not a silly question?
It is, see, because I've got it all worked out.
There's a private room empty.
Number 10. Shh.
I don't know. Is it allowed?
Well, of course. Who's to know?
Come on, quick, before the rush.
Jim, I don't think this is such a good idea.
- (Slurs) Nonsense, it's a wonderful idea.
- But I haven't got a nightie.
- I have.
- A nightie?
No, no. I'll lend you my japamas.
- Pyjamas.
- That's what I said, japamas.
Now, you go and get undressed
and I'll bring them to you.
Jim, darling, be sensible.
We don't want to spoil things.
We won't spoil them.
You see, they're nylon. Drip-dry.
I didn't mean the pyjamas.
Shh. Now, this is the room. Number 10.
I'll go and get them
and then we can have a little...
Oh, Jim, not that old bit.
Shh. I love you. Back soon.
(Hums to himself)
Come on. Where are you?
Ah, Moet, my old chum, your hour has come.
- Taxi'll be here in a minute, miss.
- Oh, thank you.
Would you see that Dr Nookey gets this
first thing in the morning?
- Certainly, miss.
- Thank you.
(Hums drunkenly)
Ah, you're in bed, eh?
Won't be a sec.
Just a drop of the old passion juice
to get us in the mood, eh?
Argh!
- Argh!
- It's all right, it's only the cork.
- I said, it's only...
- Argh!
Ah. Oh, no... Oh, no, not you again.
- Argh!
- No, shush.
- (Screams hysterically)
- No, I don't want you. I want my Goldie.
- (Miss Armitage screams)
- The private patients' wing!
Goldie! Where are you?
Yoo-hoo!
Gold-ie!
Dr Nookey! I might have known.
Get back, you, Carver, or I'll chop your head off.
- Get hold of him, he's mad!
- Anyone for Casualty?
Goldie!
Goldie, where are you?
Oh... Hold this.
Goldie!
Help!
Goldie!
Nurse! Nurse! Help!
Goldie!
Goldie!
Gol... Argh!
Oh!
Argh!
Look out!
He-e-e-l-p!
Oh, no.
He-e-e-l-p!
- Argh!
(Crashing and clattering)
(Giggles drunkenly)
Hm... Dr Nookey's explanation is that he went
to the private ward to see his girlfriend.
- That is correct.
- But if there was a girl, why did she disappear?
Well, you can't knock down
a coconut every time.
No, I think what Mr Carver means
is that he had arranged a clandestine meeting
with a girl who then changed her mind.
Quite so, Mr Chairman.
We shouldn't condemn a doctor to be struck off
just because he made the wrong diagnosis
of what is or is not crumpet.
"I'm sorry, darling, but I guess
I'm just an old-fashioned girl at heart
and I just don't like... wearing japamas.
Goodbye. It's been fun.
Goldie."
He can't be allowed to practise in this hospital.
Or in any other, for that matter.
Of course not,
but if I may have a quiet word with him,
I think I've a solution
that will satisfy everyone...
with the possible exception of Dr Nookey.
All right, Mr Carver.
- Bad news, sir?
- Disastrous.
In fact, in medical parlance,
you're up the alimentary canal without a paddle.
That means the medical council, then.
No, I've enough influence with the Board
to dissuade them,
if I can assure them
you'll clear off out of the country, go abroad.
- Where, though?
- There's that job with the medical mission.
Please, sir, I have not sunk that low.
All right. It's up to you.
I suppose there are other jobs for ex-doctors.
Well, where is this mission?
A place called Azure Bay in the Beatific Islands.
Very good salary, too.
The Beatific Islands.
That doesn't sound too bad.
Imagine it, Nookey. A tropical paradise.
Beautiful warm seas. The smell of oleander.
Dusky maidens. Great big coconuts.
Oh, I love great big... (Gulps) coconuts.
No shortage of them out there.
It's the heat. Has a funny effect on them.
- When can I go?
- Right away.
I couldn't do that, sir, no.
I've got things to buy and things to pack.
Shall we say... half an hour?
The Beatific Islands?!
Someone must have a sense of humour.
(Kookaburra laughs)
- Are you sure we're in the right country?
Yes, yes. All right, Dr Cookey.
- Nookey, mate, Nookey!
- Yes, yes. Cookey. I know.
Look.
PORTER: There's medical mission. Azure Bay.
Oh, gawd blimey.
Come on.
Well, give us a push.
Watch it, there's a crocogator.
Wait, please. I get mission orderly -
Mr Gladstone.
Mr Gladstone!
- Mr Gladstone!
- Gladstone?
Big white doctor from England come.
(Giggling and slapping)
I was just breaking in a new nurse.
Showing her where everything is, where it goes.
- This Dr Kinky.
- Cookey.
No, no, I mean Nookey.
I've been sent out to take over this mission.
- They didn't tell me they were sending anybody.
- No, that's obvious.
Anyway, welcome to Azure Bay, doc.
May the fertility of Sumaca swell your coconuts.
- I beg your pardon?
- It's a local greeting. Nothing personal.
- I'm the orderly here. Screwer's the name.
- Screwer?
Gladstone Screwer.
They just call me Gladstone.
I'm not altogether surprised.
- Well, may I come in?
- Eh? Oh, yes.
Katunga katunga. Chop chop.
Yargh! Ooh! Argh!
I'm sorry about that.
It's woodworm, you see.
- (Groans)
- You all right?
- Yes, just a compound fracture.
- Would you like to see the doctor?
No, I was only jok...
Doctor? You already have a doctor here?
- Not a proper one. Sort of a local medicine man.
- A witch doctor?
- What doctor?
- Witch doctor.
Yeah, witch doctor.
Good for witches but not for us.
Would you like to look round the mission now?
Oh, no. Tomorrow morning will do.
All I want now is to get a good sleep.
Oh, I see you've got a hammock.
I wouldn't use that...
(Chuckles)
Oh, well. He shouldn't last too long.
(Mosquito buzzes)
(Buzzing continues)
(Mutters angrily)
- Good morning, Mr Gladstone.
- Morning.
Thank you.
Morning, doc. Have a good sleep?
No, I didn't. Those damn mosquitoes
made a meal out of me.
- We've got lots. It's the drains.
- What's wrong with them?
- We haven't got any.
- Why not?
Mrs Moore provides the money.
What do you do with it?
You know what it's like.
There's always lots of medical supplies to buy.
It hasn't been spent on decoration.
- Coffee, doc?
- Oh, thank you.
- Coconut?
- Er, no, I'll have it black.
Mm. Unusual flavour.
Yes, locally made... from beetles.
Beetles?
- Betel nuts, that is.
- Oh, that's better.
Very interesting.
The women roast the nuts,
crush 'em in their teeth,
then spit 'em out on mats to dry.
(Gulps) Fascinating.
I'm glad to know they've got
good drying weather. I've only seen rain.
- Ooh, it only rains for nine months of the year.
- Nine months.
We're in the pregnant belt.
- What happens during the other three months?
- The hurricane period.
Great.
Rain for nine months, hurricanes for three.
That's why the natives call these islands
Allpiss N'Alfalfa.
- All rain and wind.
- Charming.
What time does this surgery open?
Any time you like, doc.
Nobody ever comes to it.
- What do you mean?
- They go to the native doctor.
- They don't trust white man's medicine.
- What the hell do I do?
There's bags to do, doc.
Swimming, if you're not worried about sharks.
The indoor sports are popular.
If you'd like me to fix you up with a bit of crum...
Oh, no, thanks.
Oh, hang on, hang on.
We've got a jigsaw puzzle. It's good.
Queen Victoria and her family. 500 pieces.
No, I'm wrong. 499.
One dropped down the whatsit.
If no-one comes here for treatment, what is the
good of spending all this money on medicines?
I mean, look, there is masses of it.
- Er...
- Just look at that. Ha.
Whisky? Where did that come from?
That? That came from an old wreck.
- What old wreck?
- The last doctor we had here.
- (Chuckles)
- This is ridiculous. Ridiculous!
I mean, just look at this place. It's a...
- Hospital?
- Nothing in there. How about some break...
- I thought you said there were no patients.
- They're not exactly patients.
- What are they doing here, then?
- Well, they're my wives and kids.
- Your wives?
- Only these five here.
Come on, I'll introduce you.
There we are.
There's... Monday, Tuesday...
...Wednesday... Thursday...
- And last, but definitely not least...
- Friday.
- That's it.
- Well, I'll be damned.
No problem with what to do
with your spare time.
I don't know.
There's not much doing at the weekend.
Um... I hope you don't mind them
stopping here, doc.
It's a pity not to use the beds,
and it saves me a long walk to the village.
Yes, and I can see you have to conserve
every ounce of your strength.
Hm, it's a good skeleton.
Did the last doctor leave it here?
- That is the last doctor.
- That does it.
Call me in a couple of weeks.
If you last that long.
Ooh!
Twit.
It's just the place, my dear.
It'll make a marvellous private clinic.
20 bedrooms. That attic studio as an operating
theatre, and those magnificent drawing rooms.
Suppose I put up the money.
What do I get out of it?
- Oh, a partnership, my dear. You know that.
- Yes, but...
- I haven't said I'd buy yet.
- Oh, come. You did agree.
- If I found a doctor for your mission...
- But I don't know if he's all right.
I haven't heard from them since he arrived.
Anything might be happening.
(Wind howls)
(Rhythmic drumming)
(Sobs)
Breakfast, doc.
Good news. The rains have stopped.
The hurricanes are here.
Yes, I had noticed that.
Here, doc. Doc... why don't you go home?
This place is no good to you.
Well, there's nothing to go home for,
is there, Gladstone?
- Nobody loves me.
- You'll go barmy if you stay here.
I've seen it happen. My own father, for instance.
He came out as a missionary.
Ah, but missionaries are good men.
People love them.
Oh, Gladstone,
why do you stay out here yourself?
Well, I was born here. I don't know any different.
- I get enough for my simple needs.
- Yes, in the hospital, eh?
Here, doc. A bit of that
wouldn't do you any harm.
Jigsaw puzzles are OK,
but they'll never replace the other.
I only want one woman.
One's enough to start with, I suppose.
- I didn't mean that exactly.
- Just listen to me.
We have a bird here, unattached. Beautiful.
I'd think about her myself,
but I'm doing a five-day week.
- No, no, no. No, thank you, no.
- Listen.
She'd do anything for you, absolutely anything.
- Anything?
- Anything.
I could do with a bit... Hic!
...of help... with my jigsaw.
Attaboy, doc. Don't move. I'll bring her in.
Scrubba!
Scrubba? That's a funny name for a girl.
- What's the matter? Don't you like?
- Oh, no.
No, no, I mean...
It's just that she's...
Look, could we be alone for a few moments?
Righto, doc, I'll be back in a minute.
- No, not me and her, you and me.
- Oh.
Oh, I see. All right, then.
Tantanga boolat.
Something's bothering you, doc.
Well, it's just that...
Well, she's a charming girl and all that,
but she's not quite what I expected.
I see. She's not big enough for you.
On the contrary, she could well have been
the original white man's burden.
I don't understand it. Out here we like 'em big.
A woman's attraction is judged by her... size.
Oh, yeah. Well, I'm quite certain her mantelpiece
is stuffed with trophies.
But you see, where I come from,
we like them sort of more...
Just a minute.
See, more like that.
- Straight?
- Well, with a bit of a wiggle here and there.
Preferably there.
If that's what you want, it's easy enough.
Just give us a week.
- Oh, Gladstone, what's the point?
(Rhythmic drumming)
Oh, those damn drums.
- Why do they keep pounding like that?
- Shh.
Hang on.
Gladstone, where are you going? Gladstone?
- (Slurs) Gladstone, Gladstone.
- Shh.
- It can't be.
- Wh-What's wrong?
Manchester United 6...
...Chelsea 1.
(Drumming continues)
Arsenal 5...
Wolves nil.
Wait here.
(Typing)
- Is Mr Carver in?
- Yes, Mrs Moore.
- I'm afraid he's seeing someone.
- That's right. Me.
Now, take a deep breath
and don't breathe out until I say so.
Good. Now...
Oh, Ellen, my dear, how fortunate.
I've got the contract for the house
for you to sign.
Never mind that. Take a look at this.
- What's this? Gladstone Screwer?
- The orderly of the medical mission. Read it.
CARVER:
"Dear Madam, it is with great regret
that I write to inform you of the disgraceful
behaviour of your new Dr Nookey.
Since coming here, he's done nothing
but drink whisky and debauch women.
Unless he's recalled,
both items will soon be exhausted.
Whilst doing this,
he's been neglecting his duties,
and all around him
the natives are dying like flies."
- Flies?!
- Flies, yes. It says flies.
(Splutters)
- What's wrong with him?
- It's all right. You can breathe out now.
- (Splutters and coughs)
- Lopus hystericum.
I knew something was going on.
I had a premonition.
- I don't know what to do.
- Then think of something.
I'll write him a stiff letter. On cardboard.
It's no joke, Frederick.
You'll have to find another doctor.
I had enough trouble getting him out there.
- Well, then, you can tear up this contract.
- No, wait.
I'll fly out there myself. Right away.
How about that?
Very well, then. So long as it is right away.
(Wind howls)
Doc. Hey, Dr Nookey.
- (Mutters) Is that Goldie?
- No, it's me. Gladstone.
I've brought that bird back.
Remember? Scrubba?
- Oh, no.
- You'll like her now. I'll bring her in. Scrubba!
GLADSTONE: Tipita katunga.
- Look, no, no, no.
I told you last week. All I want is...
- Is that the same girl?
- Of course.
(Whimpers)
But last week she was as big as a... With the...
But now look... How did she do it?
- Her doctor gave her some stuff.
- Medicine?
- Yeah. It's easy enough.
- Easy enough?
I know women back home who'd give
a fortune for that sort of stuff. A fortune.
- That is it!
- You all right, doc?
Fine. Gladstone, how does he make that stuff?
A little juice from the banyan tree,
powdered parrot droppings,
- a little gnats' milk.
- Do you think I could make it?
Oh, no. There's an art to it.
Have you ever tried to milk a gnat?
All right. But if I were to pay for it,
would he give it to me then?
- Pay?
- Yes. You know - money, ackers, gelt.
How about a hundred English cigarettes
a bottle?
- Cigarettes?
- That's the usual currency here.
Two hundred, if you like!
Two hundred?! It's a deal.
Here we are. Twice daily for a week, injected.
Cigarettes first.
Oh, no. I know you. I'll give them to him myself.
Then I can make certain of a regular supply.
Let me tell you something. That doctor is me.
You?
- Yeah.
- Him. I might have known it.
There we are. There'll be plenty more coming,
so get out your milking stool.
(Whispers)
She wants to know if she can do something
to please you now.
Oh, no...
Yes. Yes, there is.
What?
She can help me pack. I'm going back home.
Thank you, George.
I shall be going back to the clinic at 12.
(Women chatter)
ALL: Doctor!
(All talk at once)
There he is!
WOMEN: Doctor, Doctor...
Thank you, Miss Filkington-Battermore.
- Deirdre.
- Oh... Deirdre.
I don't know what I'd have done without you.
I do feel one should do everything one can
to please one's employer.
I mean, when one doesn't do
all that silly typing and shorthand,
one has to make up for it in other ways,
doesn't one?
Well, I expect so, yes.
Well, I suppose it's about time we got down to it.
Anything you say, Doctor.
I'm ready.
Oh, no. I meant to go through the letters.
Oh.
I do feel I should point out
that I like my employers
to make their needs absolutely clear, Doctor.
Well, now...
(Squeakily) Are these all...
Are these all applications for treatment?
Yes, Doctor.
Now, what time's my first appointment?
In ten minutes, Doctor.
So, if there's anything else you want...
Well, as a matter of fact, I...
I would like to have a look at my paper.
It's there for you, Doctor.
Oh, yes, I know it is.
Oh, the paper. Oh, th-th-thank you very much.
What's this? "Well-known surgeon saved"?
"Mr Frederick Carver,
eminent British surgeon,
boarding a plane last night for England.
Mr Carver was one of the survivors
of the schooner Bellavista,
which foundered in a hurricane
off the Beatific Isles last Sunday."
Keep the change.
Mr Carver, sir.
Welcome back.
How nice to see you looking so well.
Yes, never mind all that. Where's Dr Nookey?
- Where is he?
- He's not been back here.
- Not been back? What do you mean...
- Oh...
Be off with you now.
There are no beds here for vagrants.
Vagrants?! Who's that?
The new matron, sir.
The new matron?
What happened to Miss Soaper?
She left three months ago.
Left? Why? What's going on around here?
Where's Dr Stoppidge?
Oh, he'll be in his... in your office, sir.
In my office... indeed.
Hello, sir. I didn't know you were back.
Obviously you didn't. And what are you doing
lolling about in my office?
Sorry, sir. They asked me to take over
while you were away.
- We didn't know if you were coming back.
- I very nearly didn't.
I can't say I blame you, sir. All those
dusky island beauties. Pretty hot stuff.
You don't seem to realise
what I've been through.
I was three months on that wretched island.
All of them in bed, trying to stop them scratching.
Really? I'd no idea they were so passionate.
They had chickenpox, you fool, and so did I.
Surely you must have had it before.
No, I've never had it. Never had it.
I've never had it. Never had time to have it.
When I did get off the wretched island,
the boat sank.
- How awful.
- You know who's responsible?
Nookey. By the time I've finished with him,
he'll never practise medicine again.
He'll be lucky to get a job curing kippers.
Oh.
- Then you hadn't heard, sir.
- Heard what?
- It seems he's on the way to making a fortune.
- What?
He's made a wonderful new discovery
for curing chronic overweight.
Rubbish. He couldn't discover a soft cushion
as a cure for a boil on the backside.
It's true, sir. It's been in the papers.
Fancy consulting rooms, new country clinic,
more clinics to follow.
Impossible.
Where would he get the money for all that?
He's gone into partnership
with that wealthy widow. Mrs Moore.
Oh, no.
I'm afraid so, sir. There's a picture
of their new clinic in last month's journal.
That's the place she was going to buy for me!
He must be making a bloomin' fortune.
Gladstone, we'll have to get in on this.
Saturday!
Oi, Saturday!
Yes, dear. Did you call?
- Yes, I'm going to have to take a trip.
- That's nice.
- Would you like me to come?
- No, you stay here. The rest'll do you good.
CARVER: "Come unto us
all you who are heavy laden."
(Sneers)
In the first three months of business,
we've cleared L#10,000.
Marvellous. So that's what they mean
by living off the fat of the land, eh?
Jim, I'm so glad you came to me with this.
I feel it was fated, you see - us to get together.
Now, Ellen, we must keep this
purely on a business partnership.
Oh, I mean business, believe me.
(Gulps) Yes, well, er...
- About these clinics...
- Jim, I've decided...
I want to have it off.
- What?
- I want you to book me in for the cure.
Oh... oh, that.
Yes, well... How about next Monday?
The stuff should've arrived by then.
- Stuff? What stuff?
- Oh, it doesn't mean anything to you,
but I have to use certain things in my serum,
and I have to order them from abroad.
- They haven't come?
- Not this month. I've sent an urgent cable.
(Knock at door)
- Come in.
Excuse me, Doctor. Mr Carver's here.
- Frederick?
- This looks like trouble.
He was furious when he arrived.
When he saw I was working here,
he almost blew his top.
- Surely you're not afraid of Frederick, are you?
- Me?
- Yes.
- Why?
Because of me,
he spent three months on the island.
You just leave it to me. Tact, that's all it needs.
Tact and understanding.
Well, well, well.
Talk about bad pennies turning up.
Traitress, Jezebel, viper in my bosom.
Now, now. We'll have none of
that filthy talk here, if you don't mind.
What have you done to me?
This place was to be my dream.
A temple dedicated to advanced surgery.
What have you turned it into?
A lard-removing factory.
How dare you talk like that?
Jim is doing wonderful work here.
Oh, it's Jim now, is it?
He's taken away my clinic and half my staff,
and he's after you too.
He's madder than I thought.
Dr Nookey and I
enjoy a purely business relationship.
That is, he enjoys it. I can't say I do.
You won't enjoy it much longer. I'll make it
my business to expose him for the fake he is.
You're always exposing something.
How do you know it's a fake?
You haven't even seen what he's doing yet.
I don't need to. I've seen enough.
"Come unto me all you who are heavy laden."
Disgusting!
- Do you want to see the place or not?
- I may as well, now I'm here.
- I'll show you the befores first.
- The what?
The befores.
The clinic is divided into two sections -
before... and after.
Good grief. He gets worse and worse.
If he asks,
tell him I've gone to town for a year or two.
Yes, Doctor.
Dr Nookey.
Ah, Dr Nookey, I wanted a word with you.
Yes. I know what a mess I got you into
over that mission business. I'm sorry.
Don't worry about that. It was entirely my fault
for sending you out there in the first place.
A waste of a very valuable talent.
- Eh?
- You're doing a wonderful job here.
Really wonderful. Excellent results.
How do you actually do it?
Well, it's just an injection. A serum, sir.
- A serum? Really. What's in it?
- A hundred guineas a week.
No, I didn't mean that...
A hundred guineas, eh? That is interesting.
Well, naturally, the formula is a secret.
Oh, naturally. You don't want every
Tom, Dick and Harry trying to cash in on it.
Just a select few distinguished members
of the medical profession.
We don't need any more partners,
if that's what you mean.
No, no, of course you don't. I'll be getting along.
Carry on the good work, Dr Nookey.
You have my fullest support.
- Blimey, what's up with him?
- You mean, what's he up to?
It must be something he picked up
in the Beatific Islands.
Natural Diseases And Their Remedies.
- Hm.
- Ancient Tribal Medicine. Possible.
The Arts Of The Witch Doctor. Yes.
I mean, Nookey goes out there
a stupid, ignorant idiot,
and within three months
he comes back a productive genius.
I must find out what his cure is.
The way to do that
is to get someone in his clinic.
- But who? Who could I trust?
- Me.
Don't be silly. He knows you.
Yes, of course. In any case,
they're only taking in women at the moment.
Yes.
Yes. He'd never suspect a woman, would he?
No, of course he wouldn't.
But who would you get to be the woman?
(Knock at door)
- Come in.
Oh, Doctor, Miss Madder arrived this morning.
She's in her room.
- Madder?
- Melody Madder.
Oh, the film star from Italy. I remember now.
All right, I'll see her.
Could you get the scales ready?
By the way, I had a call from Mr Carver.
He's bringing a friend in for treatment.
A Lady Puddleton.
We're full.
I couldn't very well refuse him.
I owe the old basket a favour.
I'll talk them out of it when they get here.
Nobody will get any treatment if Gladstone
doesn't come through with some stuff soon.
I don't understand. What the devil's he up to?
- Eight and six, guv.
- Eight and six?
Eight and six...
That's about thirty-three, innit?
Thirty-three?
There we are.
That's for you.
Here, wait a minute!
(Knock at door)
- Come in.
Doctor, Miss Madder's here.
Be with you in a moment.
If you'd like to take your clothes off.
Same old Jim.
Goldie.
- Goldie!
- Yeah, it's me all right. Don't you like it?
Yes, yes, I do, but... Melody Madder?
Don't blame me. That was the studio's idea.
Still, it's better than Goldie Locks. Or is it?
But this is ridiculous. Why didn't you tell me?
Oh, I don't know.
I wasn't sure I wanted to see you again,
and, well, then the studio said
I had to get weight off, and here I am.
You must be joking. You expect me
to sabotage such a gorgeous figure?
Yeah, well, it may be gorgeous to you,
but it's unfashionable.
In case you hadn't noticed,
these days the bone has replaced the boobs.
Anyway, you're not going back to Italy.
You're going to stay here... with me.
No, Jim, I've waited too long for this.
And I've waited too long, too.
Now, now, you stay away from me, Jim.
- No, I don't want to.
- You won't get away from me again, Goldie.
(Draws breath sharply)
- Do you mind?
- As a matter of fact, I don't.
Well, I do.
How about it, then?
Who are you? What are you doing here?
- Screwer's the name. Gladstone Screwer.
- Gladstone...
Oh, well, I'm the matron here.
My name's Miss Soaper.
Soaper? I don't like that much.
I know, I'll call you Sunday.
Well, I won't be in.
Come and see Dr Nookey. He's been
rather worried about you. This way, please.
Argh!
This way.
Gladstone.
Well, well, doc, that's a new one on me.
Wh-Wh-What are you doing here?
That's the one you were telling me about.
The flat one with the bit of here-and-there.
Is that how you refer to me?!
No, not exactly. Look, I'll explain later.
Matron, take Miss Madder to her room, please.
Be a good girl.
Why are you here?
And why haven't you sent that stuff this month?
Stuff?
Oh, that stuff you were so clever to discover.
Oh, well, that wasn't my idea.
Um... you know what newspapers are like.
Yes, big pieces of paper with print on them.
Yes, but why didn't you send it?
I thought I'd bring it myself and see
the famous clinic that's making lots of money.
You brought it!
Gladstone, I knew you wouldn't let me down.
But you didn't have to go to all that trouble
to bring it.
It was no trouble at all. I enjoyed the trip.
Well, I won't delay you.
You'll want to enjoy the trip back.
No, no rush. I thought I'd stay for a little while.
No, you can't do that.
No, you see, you'd hate it.
There's nothing here.
And I don't suppose you brought your wives?
I've only got one left now. Saturday.
Miss Fosdick, old Carver's secretary.
She stayed. Made me get rid of the others.
Said she hadn't come all that way
to start queuing. Whisky?
No, thanks. About this stuff...
We ought to drink to our new partnership.
- Partnership?
- You know, when you split everything fifty-fifty.
Oh, I couldn't do that, Gladstone.
I've got a partner already, you see.
But I would be more than happy
to increase the payments.
Shall we say king-size cigarettes?
I'd rather have half the money
and I'll buy my own smokes.
I'm afraid I can't do that, Gladstone.
- Think it over. I'm sure you'll agree.
- So, you won't let me have the stuff unless I do.
Oh, I didn't say that.
I wouldn't do a rotten thing like that.
Hang on... That's the one.
Thank you, but I want it understood -
no partnership.
- We'll see tomorrow.
- Hey, hey, hey. It looks a bit thicker than usual.
Yes, at this time of year,
the gnats' milk gets a bit rich.
(Knock at door)
- Come in.
Excuse me. I think you ought to know
Mr Carver's just driven up.
Oh, he came out our way.
I'd like to see him again.
Oh, no, you mustn't.
It's not the same Carver. It's another bloke.
You sit and enjoy your drink.
(Whispers)
Matron was wondering
if you'd like to go to her room with her.
- It's a bit early, but I'll just finish my drink.
- No, now. She can't wait for it.
I mean, for you to finish the drink.
This way, Mr Gladstone, and down the corridor.
Please hurry.
I've heard of "swinging Britain",
but this is ridiculous.
- Try and keep him here till Carver's gone.
- Yes. This way.
- Oh, it's you, sir. Do come in.
- Thank you.
I have a rather important patient.
Come this way, Lady Puddleton. Don't be shy.
- We've no room.
- I'd be grateful if you'd take her.
It means quite a lot to me,
and she is very distinguished.
Ah, this is Dr Nookey, my dear.
- How do you do?
- Oh, hello.
You can see her ladyship's trouble.
She is top-heavy.
- Definitely. The top is heavy.
- It is heavy. It interferes with her riding.
Gets in the way of the horse's head.
Can't see where you're going, can you?
No, poor thing.
I hope you'll start the treatment right away.
Actually, we're full up at the moment,
so if you don't mind sharing a room
- with someone else...
- Oh, no. As long as it's with another man.
- I beg your pardon?
- No, no, your ladyship. You can't do that here.
You know the trouble with these country folk -
off the horse and on the job.
Well, I'll leave you with Dr Nookey.
Thank you very much, Dr Nookey.
- Good luck, Lady Puddleton.
- (Hisses) Wait.
I can't share with a woman.
What about undressing?
You're a doctor.
She'll have nothing to surprise you.
No, but I'll have something to surprise her.
I'll come back late tonight
to see how you're getting on,
and we can leave together
if you've already had it.
Had it? Had what?
(Whispers) The treatment, you fool.
Anyway, don't worry, my dear.
Dr Nookey will take good care of you.
- Won't you, Doctor?
- Of course. She'll be all right with me.
- Thank you so much.
- Now, you must try to relax, Lady Puddleton.
As soon as you've met the other girls...
Dr Nookey! Dr Nookey!
I must talk to you at once.
Oh, well, very well, Matron. In my office, please.
Would you excuse me, Lady Puddleton?
I won't be a moment. Just sit down.
- Thank you.
(Creaking)
(Creaking)
You needn't wait, Doctor, I'm quite all right.
(Creaking)
(Creaking)
Funny woman. Funny woman.
Well, Matron, what's your problem, eh?
I'm sorry, Doctor,
but I cannot stay with that man any longer.
That's all right. Carver's gone now.
- Why, what happened?
- I'd rather not say.
All he seems to think about is whisky and sex.
Where he comes from, they can't get soda.
- That's not funny, Doctor.
- No.
You shouldn't have him here
with all these women.
That's all right.
I aim to get rid of him as soon as I can.
But there's something that's worrying me
even more.
- What's that?
- That Lady Puddleton.
I don't know what it is,
but there is something very peculiar about her.
It's old Stoppidge. Well, I'll be damned.
- So that's what they're up to, eh?
- What a dirty trick. Fancy Mr Carver doing that.
- You'll get rid of him at once, of course.
- Yes... No!
No, he's come for the treatment
and he's going to get it.
The full treatment.
This is our chance to teach him and Gladstone
a lesson they will never forget.
- Oh, there you are, Gladstone.
- Hello, doc.
Hello, Nurse.
Look, we're full up at the moment, as I told you,
but Matron here has very kindly said
that you can sleep in her room tonight.
That's what I call real hospitality.
I am moving in with Nurse Trumper.
What's the matter with her? Frigid?
You'll find that the women over here
aren't quite so uninhibited, Gladstone.
What about this submissive society
I heard about?
As a matter of fact, there is one woman here
who definitely fancies you.
- Only one?
- Well, this'll be enough.
- Her name's Lady Puddleton.
- Oh?
Tallish woman. Hatchet... thin-faced.
- With glasses.
- Oh, yes, yes. I saw her. The one with the big...
That's him... her. Not much to look at, mind you.
We don't bother much about looks
where I come from. The nights are very dark.
Oh, Lady Puddleton,
I don't think you've met Mrs Moore.
- How do you do?
- Oh, hello.
You'll be sharing her room.
I believe we have a mutual friend,
Lady Puddleton - Mr Carver.
- Oh, yes, indeed.
- Such a charming man. A trifle slow perhaps.
- Have you known him long?
- Rather.
We roomed together at medical school.
Good evening, ladies.
Well, I'm pleased to tell you
that your big moment has arrived.
As soon as you're all in bed,
I shall be round to give you your first injection.
Right, off you go, ladies.
MRS MOORE: Oh, come along, dear.
Except Miss Madder and Lady Puddleton,
that is.
Don't try and stop me.
I'm definitely having that treatment.
I'm not trying to stop you, but you
and Lady Puddleton have yet to be weighed.
Oh, well, that's all right, then.
So if you'd both go to my office with Matron
and do it now. Stripped, of course.
- Come along, Lady Puddleton.
- Er... Doctor...
- I can't possibly undress in front of other people.
- Oh, and why not?
Well, you see, I've got... (Whispers)
Yes, you have, haven't you?
Never mind, nobody's going to look.
After all, it's all girls together, isn't it, eh?
Come on.
Your tyres are a bit flat.
Let's see the rest of you.
Ah, Gladstone. I don't think
you've met Mr Screwer, Lady Puddleton.
- How do you do?
- Hello.
See you later. Matron's room.
- Come along, Lady Puddleton.
- No, I'm going straight to bed.
No, darling, do what the doctor says first.
I can wait.
In you go, Lady Puddleton.
Argh!
(Squeals and screams)
Blimey, she can't wait.
Good evening, miss.
Don't worry, it's just a little prick.
(Toilet flushes)
Oh, what a pretty nightdress, your ladyship.
I never had one myself.
I always sleep in the raw, you know.
My husband preferred it that way.
He was a very active man.
I wonder if you'd mind unhooking this for me.
Oh, thank you so much. It's nice to think
we shan't be needing these things much longer.
(Knock at door)
- Come in.
Well, well, and how are we getting on, then?
Oh, like a house on fire, aren't we, dear?
That's fine, that's fine.
I bet you girls will have plenty to talk about.
- Now, who's first?
- Oh, me. Where do you have it?
- Face down on the bed, please.
- Oh, there.
Right, hold still, now.
Right, now it's your turn... Lady Puddleton.
Right, thank you, Matron.
No! No. I can't have it there.
We like to put it in a place
where it won't be seen, your ladyship.
Well, I'll have it in my arm, then.
I always keep that well covered.
Very well, if you wish.
- Might I ask what is in the serum?
- Most certainly.
Let's see, there's banyan tree juice,
powdered parrot droppings and gnats' milk.
Ow!
(Chuckles) Course,
I can't tell you the proportions. Secret, shh.
Right, well, good night, ladies, and sleep tight.
(Matron giggles)
I'd love to watch those two
for the rest of the night. Is that all, then?
- Only Miss Madder left now, Doctor.
- Oh, well, I'll see to her, Matron.
Yes, Doctor.
- Good night, Doctor.
- And you, Matron.
(Knock at door)
- Come in.
- Good evening, Miss Madder.
- Good evening, Doctor.
Time for your injection.
That is, if you still want to have it.
I can't think of anything else I'd rather have.
Right. Turn over, please.
I'll need your nightie pulled up.
Go ahead. I'm sure you've had
plenty of practice at doing that.
All right.
Look, are you absolutely sure you want me to...
Absolutely.
All right, then.
Good night and good luck.
(Knock at door)
Come right in, darling, everything's rea...
- Oh, it's you.
- Yes.
I'm sorry to disappoint you, Mr Screwer,
but I require some nightclothes.
Help yourself.
You don't have to move out. It's a big bed.
As I told you earlier today,
I'm not your sort of woman.
- I don't mean anything nasty. I'll marry you first.
- Are you mad?
- Marry me in the middle of the night?
- Where I come from, it's a simple ceremony.
We just make a quick cut
in each other's left hands,
put them together,
say "we are one" and it's legal.
Oh, I see.
Sort of... instant wedlock.
- Out there they call it a bleedin' ceremony.
- Yes, they often call it that here, too.
- Right, you ready, then?
- No!
No, I have no urge to marry you.
Oh, don't worry about that.
The urge comes later.
No. Thank you, but no.
OK. You'll feel different when I'm a partner here.
Fortunately, that is something you will never be,
Mr Screwer.
No?
I wouldn't be too sure about that. (Chuckles)
There. Oh, that's better.
I er... I wonder if you'd mind
rubbing some talc on my back.
I'm ready, dear.
Oh, sir! Thank goodness you're here.
- What's happened?
- Nothing yet.
- Have you had it?
- Up to the neck.
- The treatment, you fool.
- I've had the lot.
(Door opens)
- Quick, in here.
Well, what is it?
- It's an injection.
- Yes, but do you know what's in it?
- Yes, he told me.
- That's marvellous. What is it?
Now, let me see... Er... it's banyan tree juice,
powdered parrots' milk and gnats' droppings.
- What?
- It could be the other way around.
- Are you being funny?
- That's what he said.
You fool! He was having you on.
Well, I'll show him.
Listen, next time you have to have an injection,
you must pinch some of the stuff.
Oh, no, there is not going to be a next.
I'm not staying here.
But you must.
I can't. It's bad enough
having to sleep with a woman,
but there's a horrible man chasing me as well.
Don't be ridiculous.
What man in his right mind would do that?
Do you mind?
He's invited me to go to his room tonight.
He must be mad. Who is he? What's his name?
Oh, it's Gladstone or something.
Gladstone?
Oh, it's all making sense.
Not to me.
Oh, it's marvellous.
And he wants you to go to his room tonight?
- Yes.
- Off you go, then.
All right.
Go on. I'll be out here if you get into any trouble.
Who is it?
Well...
I'd almost given you up.
- I can't stay very long.
- As long as it's long enough.
- I still feel a bit weak after the injections.
- Come and lie down on the bed.
- I wonder what's in it.
- What, the bed?
- No, silly, the injections.
- Who cares?
- I bet you know, a clever man like you.
- Maybe.
Do tell me. I'm dying to know.
I'll have to get to know you a bit better first.
- What are you doing?
- We have to get married first.
- What?
- Doesn't hurt much, just a quick slash.
I don't want a quick...
I don't want to get married.
Suit yourself.
Only don't come complaining to me afterwards.
- You mustn't.
- Ooh, playing hard to get.
Come here.
- You little tease. Come here.
- No, listen...
- Come here, come on.
- Aargh!
(Gladstone chuckles) Hello?
Oh, blimey! It couldn't have been!
It was! Dr Nookey!
Dr Nookey! Dr Nookey!
Dr Nookey, where are you?
Come on, let's get out of here.
Doctor!
(Gasps) No good. In here, quick.
Dr Nookey!
All right, what's wrong?
What's the matter?
- That woman, Lady Piddleton...
- Puddleton.
- She's a fella.
- I know. How did you find out?
- I'd hate to tell you.
- Where is she now?
- She went through there.
- It's time we had a talk.
Look, the serum!
Just what we've been looking for.
- Serum?
- Yeah.
Well, what's in it?
Search me. It might as well be gnats' milk.
- You try it. You've done analysis.
- Yes.
- Peurgh!
- No, put some on your tongue. Taste it.
Ah-ha!
(Splutters and gurgles)
DR NOOKEY: So that's your little game.
- I'll trouble you for that bottle, sir.
- No, Nookey, I'm keeping this.
The Medical Council will be interested in this -
Dr Nookey's brilliant discovery.
Just a minute. Can't we talk this over?
There's nothing to talk over,
unless you're offering me a partnership.
- I've already got a partner.
- Yes, but I've got the stuff.
Oh, no, you haven't, mate. I have.
You mean this isn't the weight-reducing serum?
No, that stuff does something very queer.
Well, what does it do?
- (Woman screams)
- You're just about to find out.
(Women talk at once)
- A sex change?
- Good gracious.
ALL: Bye.
Well, how about a kiss, Mrs Nookey, eh?
You didn't have a very close shave
this morning.
Don't worry, darling, I will before tonight.
- (Cheering)
ALL: Bye-bye!
Captioned by Grantman Brown