Carry On Cowboy (1965) Movie Script

# carry on, cowboy
# For to ride the range you iove
# Across the wide prairie
# With the burning sun above
# Till you hang up your saddle
# Lay down your gun
# TllI the iast stray's been branded
# Oh, cowboy, carry on
# Tralls where the sage is biowin'
# I'd see the prairie sky
# Dust from the campfires giowin'
# Dogies sing your iullaby
# With your pinto to carry you
# TllI the iast great round-up's done
# carryy on, cowboy
# Oh, cowboy, carry on ?
[# Dramatic soundtrack music]
[Horse whinnies]
[Texan drawi]
I wonder what they wanted.
What the...? Ah, business.
Take good care of 'em, mister.
They were good friends of mine.
It'll be a pleasure, sir.
What do you want? Plain coffin,
one dollar. Padded, two dollars.
Or maybe you'd like pillows,
beautiful silver handles?
All the trimmings.
- But... that'll be an extra two dollars.
- Give 'em pads...
- Pads.
- ...pillows...
- Pillows.
- ...handles...
- And some flowers.
- Flowers?
Hold it a minute, Russ.
- What's the matter, Judge?
- I thought I heard shots just now.
Nah. it's probably
just a horse backfiring.
Oh, yes.
Hey, wait a minute.
I know a horse backfiring
when I hear one.
Come now, Judge,
there ain't been no shootin' in Stodge
since the day you ran
Jessie James out of town.
- What a day that was, eh?
- Hey-hey.
You know, Judge,
I never credited you
with either the guts or the courage
to do a thing like that.
Oh, I don't know. I didn't like having
to get tough with Jessie, though.
She was a nice girl.
I never did get to know exactiy
what she done that was so wrong?
old Ben was a friend of mine, Sam,
and she killed him.
It was his own fault. He was 92.
I warned him not to marry her.
How she did it was immaterial.
Come on. Let's get back to the game.
it's your draw, Judge.
Someone's dropped one.
- Eh?
- Oh, it's me.
I've got it.
Mrs Bun, the baker.
Happy famllies.
That's another pot I've won.
He, he!
Oh, and mighty purty it is too.
That one's gonna take a lot of timber.
Six and seven-eighths.
Business is picking up.
Yup, I reckon we've come far enough,
old pal. Time to rest up.
Howdy, stranger!
Nice day.
[Spittoon dings]
Remind me to put up a notice
about that. "No spitting."
Yeah. Yeah, sure, Judge.
[? Piano plays
"My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean"]
Yes, sir. What'll it be?
Lemonade, ginger beer, sarsaparilla?
Don't be funny. Whisky.
We're not allowed to serve hard stuff
in Stodge, sir. Mayor's orders.
That is correct. But I can thoroughiy
recommend the ginger beer.
Don't you talk to me about ginger beer.
- Who is this?
- Judge Burke.
I am the Mayor.
Better keep away from my horse.
He ain't seen a mare in three weeks.
- Come on. Whisky.
- Certainly not. We are fully temperance.
I don't care if you're full of flatulence.
I've been on the trail six days non-stop.
I can't help that.
- I don't like people who get in my way.
- I can't help that.
And I just shot three men who did.
I... Oh, well, in that case,
perhaps just a little one.
They keep a bottle or two for me
for purely medicinal purposes, of course.
- Leave the bottle.
- Oh, I say, I can't have that.
[# Piano stops]
Bottoms up.
[# Honky-tonk piano]
- I'll just take that gun of yours, cowboy.
- What for?
I don't allow no shootin' at my piace.
Lady, I wouldn't dream of shootin'
at your place.
I'm not afraid to use this, you know.
My, but you've got a big one.
I'm from Texas, ma'am.
We all got big ones down there.
And the other. Hand it over.
I'll take those, Belle.
Check them, will you, Charlle?
Thank you. Here's your ticket.
You can have them back
when you're ready to ieave.
I ain't leaving for a while.
Oh, that's nice.
We could do with a bit of fun round here.
So you're Belle?
Yeah. My intimate friends call me...
Ding Dong.
Like to give you a clang some time.
How about letting me have
a coupie of rooms?
$10 a day, all in. OK?
Oh, no. I'm sorryy, Belle,
I can't have him staying in Stodge City.
Now, listen here, my good man.
I run this town
and I can't have any trouble around here.
- You won't have to worry about that.
- I won't?
From now on, I'll be running it.
Come on.
I'll show you your rooms.
- Do you mind putting that away first?
- Oh, why, sure.
Wow. What a hoister.
I'm gonna get the Sheriff.
How about that? Three all at once.
Who says there ain't no Santa Ciaus?
It's a disgrace. What's the use
of me putting these notices up?
Where's the Sheriff?
What's he doing?
Earp! Earp! Sheriff!
Oh, there you are.
Wake up.
There's been a shooting.
It's all right. it's all right.
Don't go mad. it's only me, Judge Burke.
Now, llsten,
there's been a shooting.
- What's that?
- I say, there's been a shoo...
Oh, for heaven's sake,
where's your thing?
There's been a shootin'!
- Yeah?
- There's three men laying dead out there.
- Strange. I didn't hear nothin'.
- I'm not surprised.
You never have your thing in.
It's my afternoon off, Judge.
I don't know what we pay you for,
really I don't.
- Who done it? Do you know?
- Some terriblelooking rough.
He's over in Belle's place now.
You've got to run him out of town.
I don't want that kind of person here.
It iowers the tone
of the whole neighbourhood.
Well, don't you worr none, Judge.
We'll have him out of here in an hour,
either head first or feet first.
- Yeah.
- That's right.
In my position, as Mayor...
For heaven's sakes,
where are your spectacles?
- What do you say?
- Your spectacles!
Er... around here someplace.
Oh, here they are.
- Where?
- Here they are!
Ah! Here they are!
[Sheriff laughs]
Yeah. That's better.
Well, here we go.
Oh! Here. There. That way.
Wait a minute. Here.
For Pete's sake. Now, there.
Yeah, well, thanks, Judge.
These specs ain't so good
for seeing things a long ways off.
He'll have to go.
Forward ho!
Nice going, Lightning.
All right, get away from that bar, stranger.
And don't try nothin'.
It's me, Sheriff. Charlle.
- Huh?
- Charlie!
Oh, yeah. sorryy, Charlie.
Didn't recognise you from the front.
- Where's the killer?
- Up with Belle, Sheriff. Room 12.
- Room 12.
- Yup.
Yeah. OK, thanks.
You have a good sleep,
[Lightning whinnies]
See you later.
I reckon you Texans think more of horses
than you do of us women.
If I was being chased by a posse,
I wouldn't get very far on you.
If you were raising a famlly,
you wouldn't get far on a horse.
[Sheriff] You in there!
You got five seconds to come out
with your hands up
or I'm coming in to get you!
Who's that?
That's Albert.
Albert Earp, our Sheriff.
- [Earp] Are you comin' out?
- Nope.
[Earp] Then I'm comin' in.
[Crashing and ciattering]
[Earp] Where's the door?
All right, get out of that bed,
get on your horse and get out of Stodge.
That is his horse, Sheriff.
These dang glasses.
I'm better off without 'em.
That's better.
There's liable to be some fancy shooting
around here, Miss Belle.
You'd better get the hell out.
You'd better put them specs on.
I'm the fella you're looking for.
- What was that?
- [Mouths] He's deaf.
I'm the fella you're looking for!
That's the game, is it?
Well, it takes more than dressing up
in women's clothes to fooI me, mister.
On your way, cowboy...
I've had enough of this.
Look here, Twerp...
Name's Earp.
Aibert Earp, without the "tw".
With or without, what's the matter?
What have I done wrong?
You've killed three men, mister.
I know that,
but what have I done wrong?
You wanna tr drawin' on me, mister?
I can't.
I ain't got my guns.
I'll give you five seconds to find one.
- Where are they?
- ...four... five.
Sheriff! Sheriff!
Here. Are you all right?
I reckon I'm going, Judge.
Oh, don't go.
Listen... listen, friend.
Just tell my folks
what happened, wllI you?
They'll even the score.
Will you do that for me, friend?
Yes, of course.
- What's that?
- Oh, for heaven's sakes.
Here. Yes! Of course!
There's no need to shout, Judge.
I'm wearing my specs.
It's I iucky I remembered
where you put that.
Oh, I do beg your pardon,
Damn it, Perkins,
can't you see I'm busy!
I'm terribly sorryy, sir.
This just wouldn't wait.
You think this will?
All right, all right.
What's so all-fired important?
It's another telegraph
from Stodge City, sir.
Judge Burke...
He's the Mayor there, you know.
Burke? Oh, yeah, I remember him
in law school. He's a bum.
I didn't know you studied
at law school, sir?
I didn't. I was the janitor.
What does the bum want?
Lawless elements
have completely taken over the town.
He wants us to send him
a peace marshal to clean the place up.
Why bother me with all this?
Send him a marshal. Anything for peace.
Well, that's just the trouble, sir.
We haven't any available.
What about that big head
who hangs around, looking for work?
What's his name?
Dillon. What's he doing?
Six months.
Oh. Well, looks like
we got a problem here.
Miss Jones,
can you think of something we can do?
Why, yes.
But hadn't we better get the problem
out of the way first?
- What can I do for you?
- I'd like a job, please.
- Name?
- Knutt.
With a "K".
Huh, you could have fooled me.
First name?
Marshal P. Knutt.
Most of my friends call me "Marsh".
Well, then, in that case,
you won't mind if I call you Marshal.
Drainage, sanitation and
garbage disposal engineer, first class.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Yes. I have a certificate from
Chipping Sodbur Technical College.
That's in England.
And a reference from Lady Pushing,
saying what a good job I did
on her main sludge channel,
cos it was all...
bunged up, you know.
And this was presented to me
by the Chipping Sodbur Ladies' Guild,
In appreciation for services rendered.
It's a sink plunger.
It's very interesting, Mr Knutt.
I fail to see how it can be of any use to us.
That's where you're wrong.
I don't mind telling you
that since I arrived in America,
I've been amazed
by your out-of-date methods.
For instance your way of disposing
of garbage is a load of rubbish.
And as for sanitation,
I think you'll agree it's an absurd waste
of the President's vaiuable time
to have to walk from the White House
all the way to that little shed
at the bottom of the garden.
And as for your city streets...
Mr Knutt!
May I suggest
that you see the Publlc Works
Department down the corridor?
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Just a minute. Mr Knutt!
Would you piease take this with you?
Oh, yes.
We mustn't forget that, must we?
I'm terribiy sorryy.
Well, what do you want?
I was told you might give me a job.
Job? What job?
Who the biazes are you?
Knutt. Marshal P. Knutt.
No-one available, huh?
Well, Marshal,
you couldn't have come at a better time.
- Really?
- Yes, sir.
How would you like to go
and clean up Stodge City for me?
Oh, very much, sir.
In a bit of a mess, is it?
You said it, Marshal.
One heck of a mess.
Funnlly enough, I was talking
about that probiem to the man outside.
- Now, I have one or two theories.
- Yes, I'm sure you have, Marshal.
But I'm a pretty busy man,
so suppose you get down
to Stodge City and get to work, huh?
See Judge Burke.
He'll tell you what's doing.
Judge Burke.
Yes, and thank you very much.
Not at all, Marshal, not at all.
Stodge City.
Oh, right in the country.
Should be nice and peaceful.
[Shouting and gunfire]
Who was that? Who did it?
Isn't it sickening?
That's the tenth window broken
in two weeks.
Who was it, Judge?
Some of those horrible friends
of the Rumpo Kid, of course.
Look at my hat.
Just look at it.
[Laughs] Three inches iower
and it would have been your head.
Don't say that!
Things have got pretty rough here
since he came.
Rough? it ain't safe for decent folks
to walk the streets.
I have to send my wife out
for everything.
Never mind. Things will get better
when they send that Marshal.
If they send him.
Oh... Why, hello, Sam.
What brings you into town?
I tell you what brings me into town.
I lost 50 head of cattle on my ranch
last night.
- Rustiers?
- They certainly weren't pickpockets!
Well, there's no need to get all sarky.
50 head. What's more,
my prize bull was among 'em.
Not old Ramrod?
Yeah. How am I to raise cattle
without a bull?
Judge, you gotta do something.
Well, it's hardly
in my line of country, Sam.
You know darned well that Rumpo Kid
and his gang are behind this.
Yeah, you're probably right, Sam,
but how are you gonna prove it?
And stay out of here, bum.
[# Lively fiddle and banjo]
How about this for business, huh?
Yeah, you sure
have made a difference to the place.
Well, I like to see
a bit of innocent fun.
Johnny, just look at these beautiful furs.
Silver fox and he oniy wants $50 a skin.
- Not bad.
- They'd make a loveiy fur coat.
I don't like wearing fur.
No, Johnny, I meant for me.
I get it. You want me
to buy 'em for you, huh?
Just 500 the lot, mister.
Right. I just gotta get some money
from the bank. Won't be a minute.
Morning, Mr Rumpo, sir.
Anything for me today?
Not yet, Josh.
Stick around. it's early.
[A body thuds onto floor]
Hey, that's the fourth in two weeks.
[Laughs] You're in the wrong business.
What's going on here?
[# "The Can-Can" plays]
What is it, Judge?
Don't look.
Whatever you do, don't look.
Why not?
You'll never belleve it,
but there are women dancing in there
and showing their... under things.
- No.
- Right up to here.
What do they look like?
They're sort of biack and frilly,
with these little pink rosebuds on 'em.
What does it matter what they look like?
It's disgusting.
Why, in 15 years of married life,
I haven't even seen my wife's.
You don't need to worry.
They ain't got rosebuds on them.
I'm glad to hear it. I...
I'm kinda busy.
I've got some folk waiting in the surger.
Oh, he must have seen them
on the clothesline.
- [Cowboy] Yahoo!
- I'm gonna put a stop to this.
Stop! Stop!
Stop! Stop!
[# Music stops]
Stop this disgraceful exhibition
Go on, get outta here!
And kindly adjust your dress
before leaving.
Hey. Just what do you think
you're doing, Judge?
Mr Kid, as Mayor of this town,
and guardian of law and order,
I must object most strongly
to this impropriety.
impro... what?
All this jigging up and down
and lascivious dancing.
What? it's educational.
educational? They never showed me
anything like that when I was at school.
That's what I mean.
it's never too late to learn.
Sit down, Judge.
Grab yourself a piece of culture.
Culture? Just a minute.
I suppose you think that's culture.
Nope. That's my Aunt Fanny.
She give me that
as a sort of housewarming present.
Artistic, ain't it?
But she ain't got no clothes on.
Certainly not.
She's in her working outfit.
- What?
- She's an artist's model.
I don't care if she's Lady Godiva.
She's gotta come down.
I can't have that sort of thing around here.
I'm determined
to keep the Stodge out of sex.
The... the sex out of Stodge.
Suppose you get out of here
while you're in one piece.
I haven't finished yet.
Oh, no.
There's something else.
You've got to stop shooting
all them cashiers at the bank.
Wait. You can't biame me for that.
They won't let me draw no money.
Before you draw money out of a bank,
you're supposed to put some in.
That's a funny way to rob a bank.
And don't think I don't know
who's behind all the cattlerustling
that's been going on around here.
What cattlerustling?
You won't find no cows here.
Not the kind you're looking for.
Don't think
you're gonna get away with it, Rumpo.
I'm gonna get you.
Do you hear me?
I'm gonna get you.
Now's as good a time as any, Judge.
Don't get me wrong.
I-I-I was only joking.
Make me laugh some more.
Go for your gun.
[Kid chuckles]
this telegraph just come for you.
A-ha! It's from Washington.
They're sending down
a United States Marshal.
- A what?
- Yeah. Kinda changes things, doesn't it?
He'll arrive on the first stage
from Denver. Huh!
[Both] Yeah!
Excuse me.
Do you go all the way?
- I-I beg your pardon?
- All the way... to Stodge City?
Oh, yeah.
I have a job of work to do there.
Oh, that's marvellous. So do I.
I'm a drainage, sanitation and
garbage disposal engineer, first class.
I just knew
you'd be something exciting like that.
I've been sent to clean up the town.
I had something in mind for myself
like that.
- What are you going for?
- Vengeance.
Oh... What?
My father was Sheriff in Stodge City
and somebody shot him.
I'm going there to find out who.
Oh, I'm sorryy to hear that.
But I don't think a nice girl like you
should be doing things like that.
I mean, even if you do find out who it was,
what can you do?
KllI him?
It's no use, Johnny.
If a marshal's coming to Stodge,
we may just as well pack up and move on.
- If he gets this far.
- Well, how are you gonna stop him?
You take a shot at a peace marshal
and they'll send
the whole US Cavalry in to get you.
Belle's right, Kid.
You can't touch a Marshal.
I know. But just supposing
that stage was to get raided by Indians?
Are you kidding?
There's oniy one lot of Indians
left around here
and they couldn't raid a larder.
Maybe we could give 'em a hand.
Come on, Charlle,
Let's go and talk to 'em.
How! We come in peace.
Look, here, Mr... injun.
We ain't come here to buy a load ofjunk.
We wanna talk with the big chief.
You wait.
Big chief in little lodge.
[Toilet flushes]
Oh, hello!
[Speaks tribal language]
Meum big palefaced chief
from-um Stodge City.
Meum saiute-um big chief.
Meum want-um powwow.
I say, you do talk funny.
You must be foreigners.
Why didn't you tell me
he could talk English?
I'm sorryy, Kid. I didn't know.
Chief, this is Johnny Finger,
known as the Rumpo Kid.
Oh, how do you do?
And a very charming name.
I'm called Man Ooh-ahh!
Roughiy transiated,
it means "Big Heap".
Very picturesque.
And this is my son Little Heap.
Or as we say, Mini Man Ooh-ahh.
[Speaks tribal language]
No, you can't have their scalps.
The very idea. He's scalp mad.
Glad to hear that, Chief.
Maybe we can help him get one.
Oh, no, don't encourage him.
We can sit down and talk it over,
can't we?
But, of course.
Where are my manners?
I think you'll find this piece of ground
most comfortable. No sharp stones.
Son, tell my squaw
to fetch the peace pipe.
You'd care for a piece of pipe?
Be glad to, Chief. I once talked peace
with the Sioux, but you can't trust 'em.
One minute, it was peace on,
the next... peace off.
You won't have any troubie with us,
I can assure you.
Personally, I hate fighting.
This is my new squaw, Kitikata.
I bought her for two buffalo skins.
- How?
- Never mind how. Where?
[Pipe gurgles]
What have you got in there -
old moccasins?
- Thank you, no. I'm tring to give it up.
- I don't blame you.
You don't happen to have any fire water,
do you?
You like whisky?
Oh, my favourite brand!
Ah-ah. if I give you this,
I gotta have something in return.
She's yours.
Oh, no, not that.
Well... maybe...
maybe that on account.
- What else do you want?
- A certain fella got rid of.
Where is he? On the stage.
Oh! I don't blame you.
I can't stand actors myself.
Peculiar lot.
The stagecoach
coming in from Denver today.
All you gotta do is raid it and get him.
Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
I'm told they carry guns on these stages.
It might get rough.
Your favourite brand. Try some.
Pienty more where that come from.
Down with Custer!
Slaughter the pale faces.
Massacre the lot!
Ah. That's the signal
from Little Heap.
That means
they've sighted the stage.
- Where?
- Well, there.
Don't you see the smoke signals?
Now, I must acknowiedge them.
I'll be glad when this is over.
I feeI a right Charlle in this get-up,
I can tell you.
You look great, a sort of a cross
between Hlawatha and Rose Marie.
Eurgh. I still I don't see
why we have to dress up like this.
Because we have to look like injuns.
I don't trust that Big Heap
out of my sight.
Now, quit beefing
and give me that dynamite.
Come on, fella.
Here. if you can't stop that stage
any other way, use these.
Oh, thank you.
What are you messing about at?
I'm just tring to start a fire
to answer Little Heap.
- Try a match.
- Oh, dear me, no.
Why, my peopie have been getting fire
this way for thousands of years.
It's such fun.
What's that got to do with it?
They got kids the same way
for thousands of years, too.
Carry on with the sticks.
All right, get on your horses.
I say. it's never worked
as well as that before.
Oh, we've stopped.
So we have.
And I shouid think so, too.
12 hours is a long time
in a coach with no corridor.
Well, where is it?
We ain't stopped for that, mister.
Looked up over there.
- What?
- injuns?
You mean railway engines?
Red injuns. Them's smoke signals.
- What do they mean?
- Danged if I know.
Oh, I can tell you.
I bought a useful phrase book
in Washington.
Smoke signals...
Ah, here it is.
Now, what are they saying?
Puff, puff, puff, puff...
puff, puff, puff, puff...
puff-puff, p-puff.
Here it is. "Please direct me
to the ladies' or gentlemen's cloakroom."
That can't be right, can it?
Well, if it is,
Indians can't be ver particular.
Yeah, well, I ain't hanging around here,
listening to you puffing.
Cos all I know is,
where there's injuns, there's troubie.
Trouble? Oh, don't be siliy.
There hasn't been
any trouble with Indians for years.
They're perfectiy friendiy now.
Call that friendiy?
Oh, they're only playing.
They wouldn't hurt us.
Some game.
[Indians whooping]
Now, what are we gonna do, mister?
Play with 'em?
Now, don't panic.
It's all right.
I know what to do.
Form a circle.
Yes, that's it!
Form a circle.
With one coach?
- Oh, yes, that would be difficult.
- If you two don't mind, I'll get back in.
- That's a good idea.
- Oh, no, you don't, mister.
We're gonna need ever man
that we've got.
Now, you get a hold of that,
get up there and start shootin'!
I don't know
what we would have done without him.
I'd better get to work, I suppose.
[Indians whooping a war cry]
I got one!
Two that time, with only one bullet!
Look, they've shot three of my braves.
What do you want them to do?
Use bullets with those little
rubber suction cups stuck on the end?
Here, have a drop more courage.
That does it!
Littie Heap!
- What are you doing?
- I'm calling off the attack.
Oompah! Stickity!
Jumper! Bloody quick!
They're going!
Hey, come back. You gonna iet
one little fella chase you away?
You call yourseif braves?
I've seen braver cowards.
Wh-wh-wh-what happened?
They've run away.
They've had enough.
Well, yeah, you get down off there
and we get out of here
before they come back.
What hit me?
Oh, no. I don't believe it.
What happened to him?
- Oh, it was just the excitement, I guess.
- Oh.
- Get him in the coach.
- Hold this a minute.
Come on! Let's get out of here.
Come on, giddup! Giddup!
- Do you drive?
- Who? Me? Er, yes, I suppose so.
Well, I should start, if I were you.
There's still a couple of Indians
left over there.
Oh, right.
Yah! Yah!
Come on. Whoa.
We got to
finish this off ourselves, Charlie.
Is he mad?
Looks like it.
I'm getting out of here. Giddup.
[Kid] Ow!
Charlie! Charlie! Help!
Oh! Where you been?
You want help
getting on your horse, Kid?
Are you joking?
- Oh!
- [Laughs]
Ah, shut up!
Shut up!
- is he gonna be all right, Doc?
- Yeah, reckon so.
He's coming round.
Something wrong with your drains.
He's delirious. Ah, poor feller.
- Indians! Indians!
- Where?
Listen, don't worry.
You're gonna be quite safe now.
He's gonna be all right.
He's just a bit shook up, that's all.
Don't keep saying that.
It gets on my nerves.
What exactiy happened, Bert?
Well, I don't rightiy know, for sure.
But from what Miss Oakley here says,
This young fella shot three injuns
and drove the rest of 'em away.
Amazing. Is that right, miss?
Well, there was only him.
You couldn't expect a defenceiess
little thing like me to do anything?
I suppose not.
It seems incredible.
Well, I think he was just wonderful.
I don't know
what I'd have done without him.
Oh, it was nothing.
If you'll excuse me,
I'd like to get settled in.
There is a hotel here, isn't there?
Yes, but I wouldn't recommend it,
Miss Oakley.
They get a funny lot in there.
I think I can take care of myself,
thank you.
- I'll take you over, Miss.
- Ah, thank you.
Gosh, this sure is heavy.
Just a few feminine,
little knick-knacks.
Oh, she's ioveiy.
You won't have time for that sort of thing.
You've got work to do.
Don't worr, sir.
I'm ver keen to get started right away.
That's the spirit.
I'll show you your office, Marshal.
How did you know my name?
Washington told me you were coming.
I am Judge Burke, the Mayor.
That's right. The Judge's folk founded
Stodge City, Marshal.
My great grandfather came over here
on the Mayflower.
He was the original Burke.
He married into the Wright family
and became a Wright-Burke.
The whole famlly
are Wright-Burkes, Marshal.
"Rumpo's Piace".
It sounds pretty exclusive.
Yeah. The Rumpo Kid, that is, miss.
He runs this town.
- Don't you have a Sheriff?
- We did have, but he sort of died.
- Oh, really? How?
- Lead poisoning.
Who shot the lead into him?
I can't say, miss.
And if I was you, I wouldn't ask
questions like that around these parts.
Right, in here.
Charlle will fix you up with a room.
Here we are, Marshal.
Thank you, Judge, but I wish
you'd call me Marsh like my friends do.
- Marsh?
- Yes, it's short for Marshal.
- Oh, I couldn't do a thing like that.
- You couldn't?
No. it'd be like me
calling the Sheriff "Sheree".
People around here
Would have thought that mighty peculiar.
Well, this is it. How do you like it?
Oh, it's very cosy.
And there's a nice bedroom for you
through there,
and plenty of guns for you to use.
Oh, thank you very much.
But what do I want guns for?
Don't tell me
you've got rats around here.
Have we got rats?
Ever since the Rumpo Kid came to town,
the place has been full of them.
That's not so good.
They didn't tell me that was your problem.
Well, never mind.
I'm sure you'll get rid of them.
Oh, yes. Mind you, I won't be going round
shooting these rats, Judge.
The thing to do is to find out
where they do their breeding.
- Really?
- So as you don't get any more.
Well, that sounds
like a long-term policy to me.
Stlli, I'm sure you must know
what you're doing.
Oh, yes. in my experience,
they usually do it down in the drains.
You must have had
some ver funny experiences.
I have. Well, you can't be
a drainage engineer without, you know.
- A what?
- A drainage engineer. That's my job.
But you're a Marshal.
No, Marshal's my name.
Marshal P. Knutt.
Drainage, sanitation and
garbage disposaI engineer, first ciass.
They sent me down here to ciean
the piace up. Didn't they tell you?
But we want a peace Marshal,
not a drainee Marshal.
Drainage, -age, -age.
Oh! Don't you understand?
This town is full of gunmen and outlaws.
That's what we want cleaned up.
You mean, there isn't a job for me?
Of course there isn't a job for...
Wait a minute.
No-one around here knows
you're not a real Marshal, do they?
Oh, Annie Oakley.
I told her my job.
Oh, she don't matter.
And you did shoot all them Indians
Granted, yes.
Come to think of it,
you'll make a marvellous Marshal.
- Who, me?
- Yes. You'll clean up Stodge City.
Oh, you'll become the most admired,
the most feared man in the West.
Oh, they'll write books about you.
I can see it:
"The Legend of Marshal P. Knutt."
"The Legend of Marshal P. Knutt."
Curly, round up the boys.
We've got a job on tonight.
Sure thing, Kid.
- Give me a drink, Charlie.
- You ought to know, Mr Rumpo,
that woman that's staying here's
asking a lot about Sheriff Earp's death.
What woman who's staying here?
She came in on the stage.
I iet her have a room.
- Where is she?
- Upstairs. Room 11 .
What are you gonna do?
I don't like women
who ask awkward questions.
She's going out of here
on her big, fat bustie.
- [Knock on door]
- Come in!
All right, lady,
just pack your bags and...
I thought
you were the chambermaid.
I am.
You don't look too much
like a chambermaid to me.
It's my day off.
You must be the one they call
the Rumpo Kid, huh?
Yep. That's me.
And you want me
to pack my bags and ieave?
Where did you get that idea?
Well, I thought...
What did you come in here for, then?
Just to say welcome.
I hope you have
a long and friendly stay here.
Well, thank you. Thank you.
You just ask for anything you want.
it's all on the house.
Thank you.
Right now I'd like to get out of my bath.
Oh. Give you a hand?
No, no, but you can pass a towel
if you like.
Here you are.
All right, I won't look.
- No?
- Nope.
Oh, well. Worth a try.
Yeah, well... it was er... nice er...
seeing you.
And you, too.
You've been ver sweet to me.
Well, did you do it?
- Did I do what?
- Did you tell her to go?
Oh, that. Yeah, sure.
I gave it to her straight,
Cards on the yable, man to man.
Man to man, huh?
Yup. Right between the eyes.
So she's going?
Nope. The fact is, Belle, she's straight.
I reckon she's not tring to hide nothing.
She couldn't.
Not in that bath.
You're right there.
Boy, has she got...
Oh. You saw.
Yeah, well,
I happened to be standing here
and the keyhole
came up against my eye.
[Laughs nervously]
Well... then y-y-you saw for yourself.
I mean, she's nice... a nice girl.
You can't go throwing
a poor little thing like that out.
- You know how it is.
- Yeah, yeah. I know just how it is.
Reckon she does know how it is, too.
The Rumpo Kid.
He's the one we gotta get something on.
He's behind everything
that's going on around here.
Why didn't you just
run him out of town, then?
Everbody's scared stiff of him.
Except me, of course.
Pardon me.
Mind if I come in?
Why, of course, Mr Rumpo.
We're always delighted to see you.
I wanted to meet the new Marshal.
Oh, thank you.
I thought I'd tip you off.
There's going to be another raid
on Colonel Houston's cattle tonight.
What? How do you know?
A stranger came into my piace
and told one of the girls.
- You don't say.
- Yup.
The giri's not involved, mind you.
She's a nice, pure, innocent kid.
He just happened to talk in his sleep.
Well, thank you
for telling me, Mr Rumpo.
A pieasure, Marshal. Any time I can do
anything to help, don't be afraid to ask.
Gentlemen, if you'll pardon me,
I've promised
to talk to the ladies' sewing circle.
He doesn't seem such a bad fellow.
Don't you believe it.
There's something funny going on
around here.
Why, I'm almost positive
that he and his gang
are doing all the catllerustllng
around here.
impossible. He wouldn't have come in
and told us if it was him.
No. No, that's a point.
We've gotta do some quick thinking.
"Tonight", he said. That's today.
That's pretty quick thinking.
Don't overdo it. Leave it to me.
Now, let me see... Now...
The best plan Would be for you
to ride out there after dark
and surprise 'em.
- All by myself?
- No. You gotta take a posse with you.
- Why? Don't they like cats?
- A posse! Not a pussy!
You can't go out there
and handle a whole gang
of rustiers and killers all by yourself.
- Can't I?
- No, no.
You've got to find some brave
and public-spirited citizens to help you.
Oh, yes, I see.
Like you, you mean.
Except that, unfortunately,
tonight I have another engagement.
Any other night, of course.
But don't worry.
You're bound to find somebody.
Howdy, Marshal.
What can I do for you?
Well, actually,
I'm tring to get up a posse.
Oh? For tonight, you mean?
That's right. I thought perhaps
you and a few of your men could er...
Oh, it's a pity, Marshal. I'm sorryy.
We can't help you tonight.
We got a little choir practice.
I promised the boys. Right, boys?
Oh. it's funny, but everone I've asked
so far seems to be doing something else.
Ah, gee,
that's tough, Marshal. Ain't it?
Wait a minute. I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll give you two of my boys. Short.
- Yeah, boss.
- I got a little job for you.
Take these two, Marshal.
Short and Curly.
How do you do?
Who was that?
Just Rumpo
and some of the boys, Marshal.
Oh! Off to their choir practice.
I'm sorryy
if I'm making you miss yours.
That's all right, Marshal.
We'll get up extra eariy and do some.
Oh, good. By the way,
I've got your Deputy badges.
No, thank you, Marshal.
It ain't wise to wear them.
Makes too easy a target.
Oh... yes.
Well, I suppose we'd better be off, then.
Yup. Got a horse all ready for you,
Oh... yes.
Yes, that's a horse, all right.
Looks like you forgot
to fasten your girth, Marshal.
Hey, come back! Horse!
[Cattle low]
The herd seems mighty restless.
You hear anything, Joe?
Nice work. When you're through,
take a handfuI of steers up to Bear Pass.
I'm going to see Sam Houston.
Come on!
- Howdy, mister.
- Howdy, Colonel.
I was just up in the high ground
getting the stock in.
I've just seen some fellas making off
with a whole heap of your catlle.
The hell you say.
- Jake! Get them ready to ride!
- Sure thing, Colonel.
I'm mighty grateful to you, mister.
Whereabouts you saw 'em?
They were just coming
over Bear Pass.
- What you say?
- Bear... Pass.
Oh. My hearing isn't so good
these days.
That's the catlle, all right.
They've got the Bar X brand on 'em.
Well, where are
all the rustlers, then?
Well, I reckon
just the sight of you, Marshal,
must have scared them away.
Oh, yes, I suppose so.
Well, what are we gonna do now, then?
Well, I reckon the best thing we can do
is to leave you to look after them steers
while we ride and get us some help.
Just what I was going to suggest.
- There they are, Colonel.
- Yeah!
Come on!
Let's get 'em! Hah!
Colonel Houston?
Yeah. That's me.
Do you mind if I do this, Colonel?
As an upright and law-abiding citizen
of Stodge City
and a lifelong friend
of Sheriff Earp,
I consider it my duty.
Your privilege, sir.
What do you think you're doing?
You're making a terrible mistake,
you know.
- I can sue you for this. I've got my rights.
- Pipe down, will you?
What are you getting so excited about?
I can't help it. I've always been nervous
and highiy strung.
You're about to be strung
even higher, pai.
Right, we'll just take the other end
and make it...
[Marshal whimpers]
...good and tight.
Marshal! Marshal!
It's me, Judge Burke.
[Knock on door]
What are you doing in there?
You can't stay iocked up all the time.
You're supposed
to be keeping law and order.
Oh, no.
He's out to get me. I know it.
That Rumpo.
Don't be silly. They wouldn't dare
do anything to a US Marshal.
"wouldn't dare do anything", he says.
Judge, I was neariy hanged
the other night, like a common criminal.
Oh, you don't wanna worry about that.
Some of my best friends
have been hanged.
There ain't no stigma
attached to it out West.
Well, they can't fool me.
It was Rumpo's doing.
He arranged the whole thing.
Oh, come on, now.
You're imagining things.
Both he and old Sam apologised
ver nicely the next day.
it was a naturaI mistake
to make in the circumstances.
Do I look like a cattle rustler?
No, but you don't look
like a sanitary inspector either.
I am not a sanitary inspector!
I am a sanitation engineer, first ciass!
Shh. Do you want everbody to hear?
Look, first of all the Indian attack
on the stage coach.
Then this cattle rustling business.
That didn't happen by accident.
That was planned
to get me out of the way.
And it Would have worked
if that fella hadn't come to my rescue.
Yeah, who was he?
I don't know. He just untied my hands
and he galloped off.
- But I'd know him again, all right.
- How?
He had a ver strong smell of perfume.
We're getting a funny lot round here.
[Knock on door]
Who is it?
Sam Houston.
What is it?
What's the matter?
They were at my piace again last night.
Yes! Got away with 40 head.
Who were they?
Did you see 'em?
It was too dark to see much.
Yeah, but I recognised
it was one of Rumpo's men.
Marshal, you've gotta do something.
Well, I don't see what I can do
without any proof.
Here's proof for you.
Take a look at that.
You match up those hoof prints
and you've got your man.
But how did they get up there?
What have you been doing?
Well, I was out courting.
There's no law against it.
No, no, of course not, but I can think
of more comfortable piaces to do it.
Marshal, I think it's time
you and Rumpo had a little talk.
Well, if you think there's evidence.
You know, personally, I don't...
Now, there's nothing to be afraid of.
They wouldn't dare do anything
to a US Marshal.
Here they come now! Stop 'em!
Well, gentlemen, a toast.
To our own beioved Marshal P. Knutt,
accidentally run over today
by a band of unknown horsemen, RiP.
[Wolf whistling]
What's the matter?
# The night is young
# And we're not too old
# Why wait for fate
to give you a shove?
# When I am yours
# To have and to hold
# This is the night for love
# For I am wllllng
# And awfully weak
# And just the kind
to take advantage of
# So why not push
# Your new iucky streak?
# This is the night for iove
# My arms are yearning
# To hold you ever so near
# My lips are burning
#? Just for your kiss
# There's no returning
# To me it's all very ciear
# There'll never be
another night like this
# So hold me close
# Till daylight is near
# Closer than a hand in a glove
# And say those words
# I'm longing to hear
# This is the night
for holding me tight
# For this
# is the night for love ?
I didn't know you could sing.
Well, I've hardly seen anything of you
since I arrived.
Have you er... been avoiding me?
I shouid say not.
I got a lot of business to do iateiy.
- At night?
- Why, it's the most convenient time.
My customers are asleep then.
Say, it's awful crowded in here.
Is there somewhere private
where we could talk?
Yep. My office. I got a nice
big couch there for sitting, talking on.
Well, what are we waiting for, then?
Well, you go right ahead.
I just gotta get something.
Charlie, quick. Come on, Charlie!
Gimme a bottle.
Sure thing, Kid. Champagne?
What else?
- You... you can't go to her, Johnny.
- Don't talk so silly.
Don't turn our stor into a burning tale
of lust, jealousy and passion
under a white-hot desert sun.
Don't make it a saga of sex, vengeance
and sudden death in the primitive West.
Are you delirious?
But, Johnny, she's no good.
Take it from me, she's after something.
if you get out of the way,
she's gonna get it.
But, Johnny, have you forgotten?
I'm your little Ding Dong.
I hate to have to say it,
but your Ding has lost its Dong.
Reckon you iost him, Belle.
How about doing
a little something for me, eh?
Here's to us.
Oh, no, Johnny. No, don't.
Annie, I'd do anything for you.
I'd buy you diamonds, furs.
I'll make you a partner.
I'll shave ever day.
I know, but, you see, it's no use.
- I'm saving myseif for another.
- Another what?
- Another man.
- Who?
The man who killed the man
who killed my man.
I got lost.
Would you mind repeating that?
OK, I'll try and expiain.
You see, there once was a Sheriff here
called Earp, Albert Earp.
Yeah, what about him?
Well, a long time ago,
he once shot somebody very dear to me,
and I just long
for somebody to kill Earp.
They have. He's dead.
I know.
And whoever it was that shot Earp
is the one I'm saving myself for.
You see,
I have nothing else to offer as a reward.
it was me.
I shot the old codger.
- You're...
- The man who killed the man
who killed your man.
Oh, I hoped it would be you.
My search is ended.
You can stop saving yourself now.
- Oh, no, no. Not this way!
- What other way is there?
I mean, not here.
Not here in an office.
Come to my room at ten o'clock
and I'll be waiting for you.
- Your room?
- Uh-huh.
- Ten o'clock?
- Mm-hmm.
You'll be waiting?
What are you doing?
That ain't fair!
They said you were dead!
A fine doctor you turned out to be.
No, he was dead when I took his pulse.
I swear it.
When you took his pulse?
I never thought of that.
My watch has stopped.
What happened?
Rumpo and his gang,
they rode their horses right over you.
Well, that does it.
I've had just about enough of Rumpo.
I'll get something on him
if it's the last thing I do.
it probably wllI be. Yeah!
We're here.
Oh, good.
What's on the clock?
Little Heap make no charge
for his own father.
Oh, that's a good boy.
Well, now you can run along home,
straight home.
No stopping to pick up
any stray bits of scalp.
You take big risk,
going in saloon, Father.
Rumpo say he kill you
if he see you again.
Well, I can't help that.
I've got to have fire water.
How you buy fire water
with no dollars?
Ah-ha-ha. Big Heap has inherited
all the cunning of his forefathers.
Give me a hand, son.
Gold strike at Bear Creek!
It never fails. it never fails.
One minute to ten.
Her room, and she'll be waiting.
- Oh, hello.
- How.
Who's that?
It's me, Rumpo. Are you ready?
could you wait
just one moment, honey?
OK. Come on in.
[Big Heap] Down with Custer!
Big Heap. Just a minute, sweetheart.
I forgot something.
[Big Heap]
Let's all go and hold up the stage!
Big Heap.
What the heck are you doing here?
- It's my old friend, the Crumpet Kid.
- Rumpo Kid.
Same thing. I say, remember you got me
to hold up that stagecoach?
Shut up.
You want the whole town to hear?
What is this?
Where is everbody?
Charlle! What's going on?
Where you been?
I'm sorryy, Kid.
Some joker came in, shouting that
there was a gold strike at Bear Creek.
- Was there?
- I got three miles before I remembered.
There ain't no piace called Bear Creek.
Big Heap
take heap big paie face mickey.
it was him. I'll kill him!
No, no.
I don't want no trouble, not now.
I've got some important business waiting.
Lock him up in the office.
Get him out of here. Quick.
[Knutt] Hold it right there, Rumpo.
Now what?
- Marshal.
- That's right. I want to talk to you.
OK. Drop by tomorrow.
I'm kinda busy right now.
Are you gonna waik down
or do I have to shoot you down?
Fantastic. A fella can't even live up
to his name these days.
- What do you want?
- Rumpo...
I'm taking you in.
- You couldn't take in dirty washing.
- You heard me. I'm taking you in.
if you feel like tring to stop me,
just you try it. I'm ready for you.
I told you that was too loose.
I can't wear it any tighter.
it pinches me tummy.
Oh, you can laugh, Rumpo,
but we've really got something on you
this time.
Go on, Marshal, you tell him.
Well, it seems that last night
Colonel Houston's ranch
was raided again by rustlers.
- What's that got to do with me?
- That's got a lot to do with you.
They got away with 40 cows.
- Bullocks.
- I know what I'm talking about.
So do I. They was bullocks.
Oh, what does it matter
if they was cows or bullocks?
- It matters to them.
- Oh, this ain't getting us nowhere.
Now, take a look at this.
This here hide came off a Bar X steer
and we found it in your stable.
Yeah, and that ain't all.
The hoof prints on the back of my coat
match up with those of your horse.
You may as well admit it, Rumpo.
You stole his cattle.
We've got you by the shorthorns.
I'd like to help you,
but unfortunately I loaned my horse
to somebody else last night.
Where were you?
Here, all night.
Belle will tell you what I was doing.
Not in my court, she won't.
I'm sorryy, gentiemen,
but the fella you want
is the fella that used my horse last night.
- Who was it?
- An injun, name of Big Heap.
Oh. Well, it looks like
we've got the wrong man, Judge.
That's right. if you'll pardon me,
I got business to attend to.
Yeah, but just you watch it, Rumpo,
because I aim to get you.
Yeah, you'll see.
We'll get something on you yet.
That's far enough, Marshal.
Shall I plug 'em, Kid?
- Nope.
- Yes. Go on, let him! Go on, Charlie.
- Hey, steady, Judge.
- That's exactly what we want.
Then we'll have something on them.
Use your nut, Knutt.
Oh, Judge. You know we got more sense
than to shoot a US Marshal.
Charlle was only kidding.
Now, Would you get out of here, piease?
We're ciosing for the night.
All right! But we'll be back!
- Now?
- No! Get out, you old fool!
Come on.
Well, here we go.
I heard you in there, Kid.
That was a smart trick,
saying Big Heap stoie those steers.
Yeah. But if the Marshal talks to him,
we're in troubie.
Like me to get rid of him?
Later. Just keep him locked up for now.
I gotta see Miss Oakley.
- Why? What's she done?
- Nothing yet. That's the troubie.
Hey, Kid! Big Heap's gone!
This just ain't my night.
He must have got out
through the window.
Don't just stand there.
He can't be far away. Come on.
- Up the Indians!
- Hey, you can't do that.
We gotta get him out of there quick.
it's not gonna be easy,
with that Marshal sieeping there.
No. We'll have to keep him occupied.
Why did this have to happen tonight?
I'll get Curly and the boys.
You tell Miss Oakley
I've been unavoidably detained.
Leave it to me, Kid.
[Knock on door]
Come and get it.
[Crashing beiow]
Oh, I'm terribiy sorryy.
I thought you were somebody else.
Good night, Mum.
[Knock on door]
Just hold it right there.
I hope that's your gun, Marshal.
Miss Belle. What are you doing here?
Think of your reputation.
You think about it
and stop asking stupid questions.
What are you getting undressed for?
- I wanna catch up with you.
- What? Oh!
Oh, you don't have to be
so modest with me, Marshal.
You're a finelooking man, you know.
- I am?
- I kinda go for men who wear long-coms.
I knew a fella who escaped from prison
in a pair of coms.
He got out through the trap door
at the back.
Yes. Coms really do something to me.
They do something to me, too.
You didn't come here
just to talk about underwear.
You're right, Marshal.
- How would you like it...
- Oh, no.
...if I gave you proof that Rumpo
was behind the stage hold-up
and the cattle rustling?
But why are you telling me all this?
Maybe it's because
I go for you, Marshal, honey.
Don't you feel it,
that certain something between us?
Yes. it's my hot water bottle.
No, we were meant for each other,
you and me.
We go together like ham and eggs.
Oh, Mother.
[Knock on door]
What was that?
Are you expecting anyone?
- No, of course not.
- if it's Rumpo, he'll kllI me.
- I must hide.
- Where?
- Under the bed. Quick.
- Good idea.
No, not you, you fool. Me.
- Miss Oakley.
- Marshal, I've come to give myself up.
I've just killed a man.
Well, we all make silly mistakes
now and then.
- Kllied a man?
- Uh-huh.
Charlle the barman.
But it was an accident, I swear it.
Of course it was.
How did it happen?
- I shot him with a shotgun...
- Oh.
...a rifle, and two revolvers.
- It must have been some accident.
- It was.
I thought it was the Rumpo Kid.
You see, I found out tonight that he was
the one that killed Sheriff Earp.
Oh, Marsh, I feeI just... terrible.
Oh, there, there. Don't worry about it.
Come and sit down for a minute.
Ah! Oh!
My gun.
You're ver sweet.
I feel sort of safe with you somehow.
That's what they all say.
Oh, have you known lots of giris, then?
Oh, no. No, none at all.
It's my job, I suppose.
You don't get to meet them down drains.
Well, I'm glad because I've never felt
like this about anybody before.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
I feel like we sort of go together like...
strawberries and cream.
- [Belle] Or ham and eggs.
- Yeah, ham...
- Oh, Lord.
- I'm sorry, Marshal, but I can't lie there,
Listening to this witch
talking out the back of her bustie.
- No other girls, huh?
- Wait a minute. I can explain.
Oh, don't bother.
And with an old bag like that.
And who are you calling an old bag?
You, old bag,
I'm calling an old bag.
Ah! You cat. I'll get you! Ah!
[Shrieking and yelling]
[Thudding against wall]
Think of the neighbours.
Ladies, piease.
Now, look what you've done.
Oh, I'm sorry, Marshal, really, I am.
Marsh, honey, are you all right?
There, there.
Belle will make it up to you.
Take your hands off him,
you big troll!
Look, you ieave him aione,
you harpy!
I said I can take care of him,
you cowgirl.
Cowgirl? if I called you that,
I'd oniy be haif right.
Why, you...
Oh. Oh, Marsh. Marsh, honey.
[Little Heap] There he is.
- I get-um quick.
- Not so fast. I'll handle this.
- Me want-um Daddy.
- We going to get-um Daddy.
Now, shut-um up-um.
- Dolores, come here.
- What?
Get yourself into the Marshal's office.
Keep him occupied a half-hour.
- How?
- What do you want, diagrams?
Well, haif an hour's a long time.
What are we gonna talk about?
- I should have known better.
- Ugh.
Remember the things your ma told you
not to do when you came out West?
- Yes.
- Do 'em.
- There, there, my poor boy.
- Leave him alone. He's mine.
- He's mine!
- He's mine!
No, please, ladies!
[Knock on door]
[Both] Rumpo!
Why, hello there,
you old Marshal, honey.
What is this?
What do you want?
Now, that's not a nice way to talk
to a little old girl who's dropped by
just to keep y'all
from getting ionesome.
Oh, you needn't have bothered.
I've been anything but ionesome.
Oh, don't be like that,
Marshal, honey.
Why, since the first time I saw you,
I've been crazy about y'all.
You and me, we'll go together
like pancakes and syrup, I reckon.
All you peopie think about is food.
Doesn't anyone around here
go together like man and woman?
Now you're talking
my kind of ianguage.
Oh, no, no!
No, stay away!
Land sakes,
what are they all doing here?
You get out of here,
you little tramp!
Don't you worry.
I don't aim on sharing him
with a couple of old hags like you.
I got my pride.
Why, you...
Oh, no, you don't!
I know it's the Wlld West,
but this is ridiculous.
Do you want to be a hero?
Stick that in the keyhole.
Yeah, keyhole... Er keyholeum.
Ah, keyholieum. Why you no say?
White man speak with forked tongue.
Well, go on.
It's oniy a half-minute fuse.
Soon as it biows, we get Big Heap
and get out of town fast.
No can stick in keyholeum.
Key in keyholeum.
Well, take the key out.
"Key in keyholeum."
Oh, no. Come back!
Here is key-um.
- Quiet. Quiet.
- Well, what is it?
I thought I heard something.
Little Heap?
Where the heck is he?
[Raucous laughter]
What a send-up.
Get Big Heap. Let's get out of here.
Big Heap.
Would you believe it?
Big Heap.
Come on, wake up.
You girls stay in here.
All right, carry him out.
Oh, no, you don't.
Stick 'em up. Get back in.
Go on, get back.
Back. Now. Reach.
So that's your little game, eh?
Trying to help a prisoner escape.
Just one more charge
against you, Rumpo.
What do you mean, Marshal?
We just dropped in
for a friendiy visit, that's all.
We ain't done nothin' wrong.
Nothing wrong? Holding up the stage,
catllerustling, shooting a Sheriff.
- You're crazy.
- Don't you belleve it.
I've all the evidence in there,
and witnesses.
Don't you try it, Rumpo.
Just you try it.
I'm not a fool, you know.
I know what I'm doing. I'm holding you all.
Right. In there, all of you.
Go on. And take him with you.
Go on, inside.
You mean, in there?
Yes. Now, get a move on,
before I lose my temper.
Well, come on, boys,
you heard the Marshal. Get in there.
Everbody inside.
Come on, move.
That's the idea.
You picked the wrong man
to tangle with this time, Rumpo.
- Now, where's the key?
- Right here.
- What? Oh.
- And I'll take that, too, I think.
You know, Marshal, you were right.
You're too smart for the likes of us.
I'm just gonna get out of Stodge City.
But wait a minute. Come back.
No, piease. Somebody, help!
[Laughs goofily]
We've got him for you, Rumpo.
Bring him in.
- Big Heap.
- [Grumbles]
Big Heap have heap big hang-um-over.
Get out of here. Go on home.
Oh! Do you mean
I'm not a prisoner any more?
Nope. You can't tell the Marshal
any more than he knows already.
Get in there.
Oh! How absoluteiy loveiy.
Do you mind?
You see, I've always wanted a scalp
with a bobble on.
Get out of here. Go home.
Uncivilised lot.
What is the meaning of this outrage?
Why have I been brought here?
Shut up. Sit down.
What are you getting so excited about?
What am I getting excited about?
Taken from my bed at gunpoint.
Not even allowed
to put my slippers on.
Have you ever tried
riding a horse barefoot? it hurts.
it could have been worse.
You might have been in the bath.
Gagged and blindfolded,
with a revoitingiy filthy handkerchief.
I hate to think where that had been.
I couldn't have you knowing
where my hideout was, could I?
I don't know what you've got
to hide out from, I'm sure.
Don't you know
what happened in town last night?
Somebody ratted on me
and now the Marshal has got more
than enough on me to string me up.
Oh, really?
Well, I had to go out of town iast night.
We found him
at the widow Rawlins' place.
You dirty old man. You're supposed
to be dead against that sort of thing.
I happen to be her lawyer.
Ever since her husband died,
I've been handllng everything.
I bet you have.
This is insufferable.
Why have you brought me here, I say?
Well, Judge, I'll tell you.
We're gonna make a deai.
You get rid of that Marshal...
and I wllI give you a rakeoff.
- A what-off?
- A rakeoff.
A percentage of everything I get
from running Stodge.
Are you attempting
to bribe me, a judge,
a dedicated defender of law and order
a sworn enemy of crime and corruption?
- Yep.
- How much?
- A quarter.
- I'll take it.
Provided you get rid of the Marshal.
- He ain't really a Marshal at all.
- What?
No. it was all a mistake.
He's really a sanitar engineer. Ha ha!
Are you tring to tell me,
Johnny Finger, the Rumpo Kid,
that I have been run out of town by a...
You can see the funny side of it.
Shut up!
The deai's off.
I'll take care of him myself.
I'll flll him so full of holes
they'll use him for straining cabbage.
How nice.
Well, if you'll excuse me...
Not so fast.
I ain't finished with you yet.
[Crowd] We want Knutt!
Patience, folks! Patience! Patience!
He'll be out any minute now.
Any minute? You've been saying that
since one o'ciock this morning.
We're doing
the best we can, Marshal.
Why are those peopie out there,
Don't you know? You're a hero.
Rumpo and his boys have moved out.
Some hero.
Locked in one of his own cells.
Teach you to come in here
and ask me for a quick one.
Hey, Marsh,
the Rumpo Kid's got Judge Burke.
- What are they gonna do to him?
- I don't know, but I don't like it.
You have to get out of Stodge.
Get out of Stodge?
I can't even get out of here!
Ok, fellas, just stand aside.
Gosh, that was marvellous, Annie.
- I Would never have thought of doing that.
- Marshal! Marshal, come quick!
- What is it?
- Look.
- it's Judge Burke.
- So it is.
- is he...? is he...?
- No, he ain't.
Get me off this thing, wllI you?
You're OK, Judge.
Just piumb exhausted, that's all.
So Would you be if you'd been
riding like this for four hours,
with the hot sun beating down
upon your... progress.
What happened to you, Judge?
Rumpo and his men.
They're coming to get you.
- Who? Me?
- Yeah.
They know
you're not a reaI Marshal.
They're gonna be here
at 12 o'clock high noon.
High noon?
Why high noon?
I know. I told them
it was a most unoriginal time
for that kind of thing,
but they wouldn't llsten. Oh!
Well, you all heard
what the Judge said.
Rumpo and his men,
they'll be coming back to Stodge at 12.
Now, I reckon
if we all stand together, we could...
Wait. Doc, you'll stand up with me,
won't you?
Well, I'd like to, son,
but I'm a kind of busy man.
Got a lot of calls to make.
Well, it looks like
I'm gonna be kinda busy myself.
But you don't need to worry.
I already got your measurements.
It's useless.
Marshal, you must get out of here.
It's only ten o'clock.
No. I may not be a real Marshal,
but I took this job
and I aim to see it through.
You can't take on Rumpo
and his whole gang singlehanded.
Well, you wouldn't think much of me
if I ran away.
And, anyway, I'm a pretty good shot.
Remember the Indians? Pow!
I never wanted to have to tell you this,
but... it was me that shot those Indians.
- You?
- Mm-hm. Through the stage window.
Oh. That expiains how I managed
to get three with two shots.
Just a minute.
Oh, yes. And it was you who saved me
from that hanging the other night?
You'd make some man a good husband.
Oh, come on.
You can't help being what you are.
But just get out of here.
Go back to your drains.
Yes, that's about all I'm fit for, isn't it?
Oh, wait a minute.
I've got it.
Annie, could you teach me
to shoot as good as you?
What? They're due in at noon.
it's after ten now.
Good. That gives us aimost two hours.
Do you think I'm mad?
Nutty as a fruitcake.
Oh, get off.
Well, that's a bit better.
- Any sign of them yet?
- No.
And there's oniy a minute to go.
Is that all?
Doesn't time fly when you're having fun?
Marsh, please,
you've got to iet me go there with you.
No. Definitely not.
it's time I started fighting for myself.
I told you.
Yes, I know.
It's just that I love you.
How was that?
[Both laugh]
This is Rumpo!
I'm coming in!
[Rumpo] Knutt.
Where are you?
Here, Rumpo!
Knutt! Where are you?
Come out and fight, damn you!
Curiy, you take that end.
Sllm, you and me take the other.
Look out behind you!
Knutt, where are you?
Here, Rumpo!
No, here!
[Revolvers click]
Just hold it right there, Rumpo.
Now... now, Marshal, er, sir.
You don't want to shoot me.
Me and the boys were oniy kidding.
I'm not going to shoot you, Rumpo.
I'm going to put you where you belong,
on the end of a rope.
Johnny, I'm coming!
Stop, or I'll fire!
[Revolver clicks]
Oh, Marsh, I think you're wonderful.
Come here.
I'd have got him, too,
but I haven't any bullets left.