Carry on England (1976) Movie Script

Here it is, gentlemen. The big problem.
13-13 Experimental Battery.
I can tell you now, we've had orders
to solve it from the top seat.
You mean WC?
WC. The top seat.
As you know, we've tried everything.
Brilliance, outstanding personality,
sheer naked courage.
The time has come to try something else.
- Oh? And what's that, sir?
- Sheer bloody ignorance.
How long are you going to be, then... sir?
How long? When one is sent for
by one's brigadier
to discuss a mission which is so hush-hush
that even oneself doesn't know what it is,
- one might be hours.
- Permission to pop down the NAAFI, sir.
- I beg your pardon?
- Permission to pop down the NAAFI, sir.
Corporal, the enemy is poised
to strike across the Channel.
The country is fighting for its life
and you want to pop down the NAAFI?
- Well, in that case, I'll forget it.
- I'm very pleased to hear it.
I beg your pardon... sir.
Who are you, and what the
devil are you doing?
Captain Melly reporting, sir.
Brush yourself down!
Follow me to the conference room.
(Horn honks)
(Insistent honking)
- All right! All right! Why the bloody fanfare?
Watch it, mate. New commanding officer.
Corporal... that man. He was wearing lipstick.
Lipstick, sir? Where?
- On his face. Where do you think?
- It must be a burn or a scar, sir.
- I hope you're right.
- So do I.
Frilly curtains? Baskets of flowers?
- Brassieres?
- Pardon, sir?
- Knickers!
- Same to you... sir.
- Captain Melly.
- No, you must have come to the wrong place.
My name's Bull.
No, no. I'm Melly. S Melly.
Pity. Have a drink.
Now, look here, Bull. I'm your relief.
- And there are certain things that...
- My relief?
Oh, you little beauty!
I could kiss you!
My re! Oooh, my relief!
I've got to go. My relief...
He actually kissed me!
(Engine fires up)
- My case!
(Car accelerates)
- I say!
My case!
Welcome to 13-13 Anti-Aircraft Battery, sir!
All right.
Sergeant Major Bloomer, sir.
"Tiger" to the troops.
I can do that!
- Sergeant Major Bloomer, do you think?
- Sir?
- Get inside.
- Me, sir?
- Yes, you, sir! Get inside at the double!
- Hargh!
Drop your trousers!
But, sir, we has only just met.
Drop 'em! That's an order!
- I see.
- Do you, sir?
Sergeant Major, may I ask you a question?
Sir, may I pull up my trousers?
What? Oh, yes. Yes. Get 'em up.
What I want to know is...
what men in this unit would wear
the kind of underwear I've seen on the line?
Good Lord!
Some of them are wearing skirts too!
They is not men, sir.
Well, what the blazes are they?
Women, sir.
You mean, female?
Yes, sir. Was sir not told, sir?
This is one of these new mixed batteries.
So, that's what the brigadier meant when
he said that this battery was an experiment.
Experiment, sir?
They does not need to experiment.
They gets at it right away and all the time.
All right, then. Section, halt.
Oh, come on! Come on. Put each other down.
Hang about! Hang about!
We don't want to give our new CO
the right idea, do we?
Right, right turn.
- What's next?
- Right dress, Leonard.
Oh, yeah. Er... right dress.
Two inches shorter
and he could see right up my skirt!
- What's your name, Sergeant?
- Willing, sir.
- And yours?
- Able, sir.
Well, Willing and Able, will you kindly tell me
why it is necessary for you all
to be squashed up like sardines in a tin?
It's just our way of keeping warm, sir.
On the hottest day of the year?
We've known it hotter than this, sir.
Dress properly! What do you think this is?
A love parade?
Hee-hee-hee! Very witty, sir.
You speak when you're spoken to.
Do you hear me?
Adjust your dress!
No, no, no! One arm's length apart.
- Did you demonstrate this, Sergeant Major?
- Frequently, sir!
- Then do it again on me.
- Hah!
Parade. Doing as I do!
Right dress!
As you were. Watch me. Watch me!
Right dress!
Doing as I do! As you were! As you were!
Did you not you see what I was doing?
Right dress! As you were!
Not as they were.
Leave them as they are, Sergeant Major.
But, sir, as they are is horrible, sir!
You're ruining my shoulder, Sergeant.
Sorry, sir.
It comes of gripping balls, sir.
- Eh?
- Always has one of these to hand, sir.
- Fingers of steel, sir. Fingers of steel.
- Put it away. Let's get on with the inspection.
You up there, what's your name?
Oh, erm... Ready, sir.
Ready, Willing and Able.
- This is ridiculous!
- (Mumbles)
- What are you doing?
- Twitching, sir!
I can see that, Sergeant Major,
but why is he twitching?
It's my woor-uhhhhh...
Woorghhhh! It's my nerves, sir.
Trying to twitch your ticket, eh?
Well, it won't work, Bombardier.
You're in the Army for the duration.
Twitch your way out of that!
Oohhh... eerrrggh!
- Ready!
- (Screams)
Twitch off!
It's wasted on me, boy.
Good Lord!
Good heavens!
Good man. And what's your name?
Shorthouse. Gunner Shorthouse, sir.
It's my name.
And what is your name, my man?
Er... woman?
Jennifer Ffoukes Sharpe, sir.
The Sharpe with an E and two Fs in the Ffoukes.
How do you do?
(Fingers crunch)
She too is a ball squeezer, sir.
Do your shoelace up
and look sharp about it, Sharpe!
- Ooooh!
- Oh, Tiger!
I think you're wonderful.
When are you going to savage me?
If only you was a man, I would sort you out!
Well... you seem to have put your foot in it.
Not so much my foot, sir. More my big toe.
What's wrong with it?
Sprained it, sir, didn't I?
When I... erm... fell out of bed.
- Pushed out of bed more like!
- Pushed out?
- (Both giggle)
- What are you laughing at?
Well, I'm happy, sir.
Happy? What, here?
He might have sprained something else,
mightn't he?
- Are you trying to be funny, Gunner?
- Me, sir?
You, sir. Why are you blinking like that?
- I'm not blinking, sir. You are.
- I never blink.
- Neither do I, sir.
- You blinking well do!
Sergeant Major, which one of us two
is blinking here?
There is only one blinking man blinking here,
Gunner, and that's bloody you!
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
And if I catch you again on parade
wearing my moustache... that moustache,
you'll be on charge for impersonating an officer.
Later, sir. Later.
Who are you?
- Easy, sir.
- Quite possibly. What's your name?
That is it, sir. Alice Easy.
Well, do your top button up.
I can't. They won't let me.
- Who? Who won't let you?
- Them.
Oh, nonsense. Do 'em up... erm... it up.
Good gracious me!
Stand to attention, you're on parade!
Put those shoulders back!
Oh, I do hope you're regular, sir.
- I've been regular for 18 years.
- Oh, good.
- That means I can have it back tomorrow.
- (Swallows hard)
- You'll have it back when I'm ready.
- That's all right.
No need to strain yourself.
You are a shower!
A shambling shower!
And I mean to shake you up
more than somewhat!
- Sergeant Major?
- Hah!
Dismiss this shambling shower from my sight.
Parade! Right turn!
As you were! As you were!
You stupid f...
How is I expected to use the proper words
with women present?
Never mind. Never mind.
Just f...
Forget it.
Go away.
(Stomach gurgles)
Ah, yes, sir. They gives me a headache too.
It's not a headache. It's the stomach.
There's a button in it.
What you might now call a belly button, sir.
Hee-hee hee-hee!
Oh, shut up!
20 year I've been a sergeant major
and nobody told me to shut up before.
I is the person what tells people to shut up, sir...
- Shut up!
- Hah!
Now, Sergeant Major,
what, in your opinion, is the thing most
calculated to make things hot for this shower?
What's the matter with you, man?
Have you been struck dumb?
- I asked you a question.
- Sir.
- Have I got permission to break the silence?
- Of course you have.
Very well, sir. Kindly repeat the question.
I repeat, what in your opinion, is the thing most
calculated to make things hot for this shower?
- Only one thing in my book, sir.
- Yes. Yes.
- Firing squad.
- Ah, yes. That's it.
What sort of a suggestion is that,
Sergeant Major?
The only one I has to offer.
I has tried everything else.
Well, thank you. That's been a great help.
I shall have to think for both of us.
I've got it.
- We're going to have an air raid.
- My God, sir! They will panic.
- This is just a practice.
- They'll still panic.
Yes, they will, won't they?
- The wind.
- Not me, sir.
No, Sergeant Major. The wind is what you
and me are going to put up them.
- Gives me the wind just to look at it.
- Leonard...
- What?
- I've got this feeling.
There's a time and a place for everything.
- Not that kind of feeling.
- I didn't know you had any other.
No! Listen!
I've got this feeling that that new bloke's
going to make trouble for us.
That pipsqueaker?
He's too little to be awkward.
Squash him into the ground.
Not worried about him.
I'm more worried about this.
- Do we eat it or rub it in?
- You can bounce it off the ceiling for all I care.
Right, Sergeant Major.
They should be starting on their pudding.
Now! Now, Sergeant Major!
- Sir?
- I said now.
- There is no need to shout, sir.
- What?
- There's no need to shout!
- What are you mumbling about?
- There's no need to shout!
- Who is?
- I said now!
- Hah!
(Air raid siren wails)
Here. What's that?
- No, it can't be.
- It can't be what?
- What I think it is.
- What do you think it is?
It's an air raid.
ABLE: Get a move on!
I'll say one thing for them, Sergeant Major...
they certainly know how to run.
Oh, yes, indeed, sir. Of course,
they is running in the wrong direction.
- What?
- The gun emplacement is over there, sir.
- Well, why are they running that way, then?
- Air raid shelter, sir.
- They built it. They calls it the snoggery.
- I don't care.
There's an air raid on.
This is an anti-aircraft battery unit!
Is it?
(Whines like an attacking bomber)
Rat-a-tat tat! Rat-a-tat tat!
(Aeroplane attacks)
(Aeroplane fires)
MELLY: Bang!
I could have sworn someone said "bang".
Oh, Leonard. Ooh, what a lovely idea.
(Laughs) Lovely.
I said bang!
You heard what the officer said,
you horrible shower! He said bang.
Don't you realise there's an air raid on?
Course we do.
Well, then?
Well, you shouldn't be out in it. Come in here
with us, sir. There's plenty of room.
Yes, do join us, Tiger.
I'm not coming in there.
You are coming out here.
With an air raid on? There's ladies present.
- You can't have them out in an air raid.
- No, you can't.
There is no air raid.
- B-B-But you said there was.
- It's a mock air raid.
ALL: Oooh!
I mocked it and you made a mockery of it!
That's nice, isn't it? You're having a mockery
while we're having our grub.
- I was just enjoying my spotted dick.
- Yeah.
Shut up!
All right. Carry on, Sergeant Major.
- Carry on what, sir?
- Get 'em out! Get 'em out!
- (Captain Melly mutters)
Get outside on the double!
Move yourselves! Move yourselves!
Get the lead out of your pants!
Knickers, Tiger. Knickers.
Ladies wear knickers.
Pants or knickers, shift your ar...
What's inside 'em.
Now, look...
20 years I've worn this crown on my sleeve.
(All hum sad tune)
You wouldn't like to be the cause of me losing it,
would you?
I mean, after all that... serving...
of King and country.
Oh, Tiger...
You all heard what the sergeant major said!
All out! Or I'll break you in two.
BLOOMER: In two lines. Move yourselves.
Move yourselves!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Now, you dozy lot,
when I say "man the gun",
I want you to double off to the emplacement.
Now, man the gun!
Oh, for heaven's sake. All right.
Woman the gun as well.
BLOOMER: Come on, you Brownies!
Let's have you! Knees up, knees up, knees up!
(Soldiers bark orders)
- Sergeant Major!
- Hah!
What the blue-blank-blazes is that?
It's a gun, sir.
It's made of wood.
It's not a real gun yet, sir.
A gun emplacement without a real gun?
With respect, sir. Remember there's a war on.
Real guns is hard to come by.
Permission to carry on with the gun drill. Fire!
What the devil's going on now?
We're dead, sir. A round exploded in the breach.
It's the ammunition we're being sent.
(Melly farts)
- Anything wrong, sir?
- (Farts again)
- You've gone white.
- It's that damn button.
Are you taken short, sir?
(Stomach gurgles)
Keep your voice down, Sergeant Major.
(Stomach gurgles)
You just carry on doing
whatever it is you're doing.
(Melly farts loudly)
- No.2 detachment, take post!
(Melly farts continuously)
BLOOMER: Go to bearing 90-2E-20!
(Toilet flushes)
Now, this time, just for me, let us get it right!
Parade... dis-miss!
That was lovely. Good. Thank you very much.
Get out of my sight!
That includes you, Ffoukes Sharpe! Look sharp!
Silly boy.
You may not frighten the enemy,
Sergeant Major,
but, by heaven, you certainly frighten me.
It's not my fault, sir. That was hers.
- It was entirely hers, sir.
- What are you talking about? Whose fault?
(Mouths) Oh, Tiger.
Private Ffoukes Sharpe, sir... is after me.
After you? What for?
- She has designs on me, sir.
- Get this bloody thing off me!
- Oh, I sees your predicament, sir.
- And I feel it. Get it off!
Steady, sir. Resist me.
Resist me, sir.
You is not resisting.
Pulling out.
Sergeant Major, we're getting nowhere fast.
Perhaps you should er... clench your cheeks, sir.
They are clenched.
That is true, sir. Forward march.
Right. Clench the table, sir.
Now, grit your teeth
and we will have it off in a minute.
A bit of leverage.
Brace yourself, sir.
Is it off?
- Can't you feel the difference, sir?
- No.
It must be your bum is numb.
Permission to un-numb bum, sir.
Get on with it!
That will soon bring the blood back
to your cheeks, sir.
Cruel to be kind, sir. Cruel to be kind.
If you're going to talk about
being cruel to be kind,
you may as well know,
that as far as that shower outside is concerned,
that I intend to be cruel to be cruel!
- I is very worried, sir.
- You is very worried.
- I is worried about you, sir.
- Thank you, Sergeant Major. Very decent.
I think you is going to cause trouble
and they will not like it.
The likes and dislikes of the men
under my command are neither here nor there!
Sir, if you does not know
the difference between here nor there,
you does not know the difference
between men and women.
Some of the men in this camp is women.
They are all men to me.
Oooh, I wish they was, sir. I wish they was.
I'd have them saluting till their arms dropped off.
I'd run them till their legs dropped off
and I'd rant and roar till their ears dropped off!
As from tomorrow, I intend to start a series
of what I call my agony parades.
In that case, sir, tomorrow morning, the only
parade you is likely to see is sick parade.
(Trumpet fanfare)
- Right. Who's first?
- A-a-a-a-a!
- What do you think these are, Nurse?
- Come on, then.
Oh! Oh, Nurse.
Oh, Nurse. I need assistance.
Oooh! Oh. Oh!
All right. Drop your trousers.
But, sir, it's my ears, my nose, my throat...
- My throat and my knees. My feet... oooohh!
- I'll be the judge of that. Drop 'em.
Nurse, two aspirins, please.
Right. Next!
Here, Shaw. What did he say to you?
He said, "Drop your trousers,"
had a look and gave me two aspirins.
What sort of a doctor's he? Here we are
pretending we've got different complaints...
Hey, Shorthouse, what did he say to you?
He said, "Drop your trousers," had a look...
- And he gave you two aspirins.
- No, he gave me half an aspirin.
- All right, drop your trousers.
- Aaaerrhhee!
I was... (Stammers incoherently)
Have you noticed
anything strange about me, sir?
Yes, you haven't dropped your trousers.
Two aspirins, Nurse.
Yes. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Hey, he told me to drop my trousers
and he gave me two of these...
aschooo... sprins!
All right. Drop 'em.
Nurse, two aspirins, please.
- Where are they?
- They is all sick, sir.
- All of them?
- I told sir so, did not I, sir?
Hee-hee hee-hee!
Well, never mind. I've had a word with the MO.
Those are my orders.
Right, Sergeant Major.
Let them know that we're here.
13-13 Battery, get on parade!
I want you to run them into the ground.
What about the females, sir?
As far as I'm concerned, this is a unit.
One piece.
My duty is to make it an efficient unit.
I am unaware of males or females.
To me, they're all alike.
They are the same. Right, Sergeant Major?
Give 'em hell.
Ah-haaah! Come on!
BLOOMER: That is not the way!
That is not the way.
When one of your comrades is a short arse,
like Shorthouse here, a taller man
climbs up on him. Down, Shorthouse.
- But, Sergeant Major.
- Do not "but, Sergeant Major" me!
Get down. Watch me.
Right. Steady. Up!
Give me your hand!
Now, pay attention.
You cannot go under the wire.
You has to go over the wire,
which means that one of you
has to lie on top of the wire
and let the rest of them walk over him.
Right. One volunteer.
- You!
- Me?
Move yourself!
That is not the way. That is not the way! Fall out.
Move yourself!
Watch me. Watch me. Haarrgghh!
No, no, no, no, no! That is not the way.
You must not stop to think.
- Are you sure this rope's safe, Sergeant Major?
- Safe? Of course it's safe. Watch me.
(Tarzan call)
Well done, Sergeant Major.
Fingers of steel, boy. Fingers of steel.
Right, Gunner. Your turn now.
(Squeals of laughter)
Drown the lot of you.
Sergeant Major...
- Yes, ungrateful...
(Door opens)
Come on, Sergeant Major. Wake up.
On your feet...
I'm talking to you, Sergeant Major!
- Sergeant Major!
- What are you up to, boy?
- Come on!
- Serge... Sergeant Major!
- Oh, it's you, sir.
- God!
Have you gone mad, Sergeant Major?
You sort of walked into my nightmare, sir.
I thought you were short arse, sir. I'm sorry.
And so you damn well should be, man.
- You dropped your hat, sir.
- Where is it?
Right, Sergeant Major.
Sergeant Major, now you're on your feet,
I'm going to blast their blasted evening.
- What have you got in mind, sir?
- A surprise kit inspection.
Men's hut first.
# Tango
- Get those pants down.
- Not bloody likely.
# Tango
- Having a musical soiree, are they?
- Sounds more like a tango, sir.
Oh, come on, Sergeant Major.
Enemy approaching.
Operation Scarper!
You is covered in shh... something distasteful.
- I'm aware of that.
- Are you going to change or what, sir?
I mean, there's... a bit of a pong.
Sergeant Major, when I start something,
I go through with it,
come hell and high water!
And whatever this is.
Tell them I'm here!
Commanding officer!
Your nostrils, Sergeant.
My nostrils, sir?
They're twitching.
It's like, suddenly, there's a funny sort of smell
come into the hut, sir.
Why do you think that is, Sergeant?
Well, it's like suddenly...
someone's come in who's covered with sh...
Ooh, something nasty, sir.
Yes, someone is.
Now, Sergeant... do you suppose that occurred?
I can't say, sir.
- I can. Trip wire.
- A trip wire, sir?
It tripped me right in it.
- Right into the?
- Yes.
How do you suppose...
it got there?
What, you mean the er?
- You know the officer means the trip wire!
- I'm doing the talking, Sergeant Major.
Well, sir, that... that is a trap
for Nazi paratroopers, sir.
Am I a Nazi paratrooper?
No! No, sir. You're one of us.
I think.
Explain yourself, Sergeant.
Well, sir, in this hut,
we are usually otherwise engaged.
You know, kipping and things like that.
And... well, we thought some sort of
early warning system was necessary.
I mean, you can't trust that Hitler, can you, sir?
And this unit prides itself on being ever ready.
- Yes, Sergeant?
- Bombardier Ready, I wasn't talking to you.
I am addressing the commanding officer.
What is that man doing sitting at attention
on that man's shoulders?
Well, sir. That's presence of an officer, sir.
- But why sitting on someone's shoulders?
- Sir, Shorthouse has a fine head of hair.
We use him to keep the cobwebs down.
Ready, give the officer a demonstration.
My head! Ow, my head! He's banging it!
Careful! You're banging my... Ow!
READY: You're off balance!
Enough of that. Enough of that!
Get down, that man!
- Sergeant Major.
- Hargh!
Stand by your beds! This is an inspection!
Move yourselves!
Come on! At the double!
Get properly dressed! Do yourself up, lad!
Do your flies up, that man!
Your brains is catching cold.
Lay it out! Lay it out!
Hang properly to attention, that man!
- You call that laying it out?
- Give us a minute, Sergeant Major.
Never mind that, Sergeant Major.
What the devil is this?
Ah. Yes, sir.
You see, those, sir, are ear muffs, sir.
A trophy of war, that is, sir.
Ear muffs? Trophy of war?
Captured from one of them German ATS
during the retreat from Dunkirk, sir.
It says "Made in England".
Who's that sneezing up in the loft?
- Him, sir.
- It couldn't have been. I've seen you talking.
- Yeah.
- He was talking and then... then he sneezed, sir.
I didn't see him.
No, sir. I would never sneeze
in the presence of an officer.
So, he sort of...
He threw his sneeze up... up into the loft.
- Didn't you, Ready?
- Yes, Sergeant.
- Are you a ventriloquist?
- Oh, no, sir. Church of England.
Do you pursue the ventriloquial art?
- In an amateurish sort of way, yes, sir.
- Do it again.
Er... again.
You mean, you want me to...
throw my voice and sneeze up in the loft again?
- Sir!
- Yes.
- Atishoo!
- I saw your lips move!
- I didn't.
- I did distinctly.
I should give it up, if I were you.
You're not very good at it.
The state of this hut's not very good either.
In fact, it's horrible.
In the time it takes me to shower,
you shower will clean this place up.
I want this floor polished from wall to wall.
Under the beds. Round the stove.
Polish it everywhere!
I want it so that I can see my face in it.
You heard what the officer said! Get on with it!
No. No. No. Something has got to be done.
- I know what he wants.
- What does he want?
He wants us to polish the floor, sarge.
He's in it again.
You... you... aarrgghhhhh!
What has happened?
He went through so fast,
I think he might have been taken short again.
Yes. A nasty friction burn you've got there.
What have you been doing? Arsing about?
A drop of calamine
will soon get to the bottom of this one.
- I will cancel the route march, sir.
- You'll do no such thing!
- No choice, sir. Your uniforms is at the cleaners.
- I know that. Arrghh!
You cannot go on a route march in your
underpants and with a burnt bum to boot.
Get me a battledress, Sergeant Major,
from battalion stores, you fool.
I've already rung the stores
and there's nothing in your size, sir.
This is a bit near the ground, Melly.
Get me a battledress, Sergeant Major.
I don't care how, but get it!
What does he expect me to do? Knit him one?
The short arse...
That's it. Short arse.
Little Gunner Shorthouse. Hee-hee hee-hee!
My best battledress, Sergeant Major?
Do not bandy words with me, lovely boy.
Or I will raise my right leg six inches
from the ground,
place my No.10 firmly on the top of your head,
and press you straight through the floorboards!
Best walking-out battledress, short arse, please.
What if he wants to go walking out,
Sergeant Major?
Then he will just have to stay in!
Oh, flippin' heck.
Only one man round here allowed to use bad
language, Gunner, and you is looking at him.
Get it out, lovely boy. Get it out.
- Pardon?
- The battledress. Get it out!
Sergeant Major.
I do not know about walking out in it.
It looks like you've been sleeping out in it.
Press it like it's never been worn,
stick three pips on,
bring it over the battery office in ten min-u-ets!
By the way, the whole of the mixed section
will parade at 0900 hours.
You is going walkies.
OFFICERS: Walkies?
- A route march! Hee-hee hee-hee.
I is looking forward to seeing you off
on them 12 foot-blistering miles.
I cannot wait to wish you luck,
as you wave me goodbye. Hee-hee hee-hee.
12 miles!
So you see, Tilly, I wanted to ask your advice.
I mean, you being a woman and all that.
- Oh, so you've noticed.
- Yes.
- A couple of times.
- Not now, Leonard.
We're on duty.
You see, the little perisher
is going to wear this on the march.
- Him?
- No, no. Not him. Him.
- Captain flippin' S Melly.
- Oh, Smelly himself.
So, with all your knowledge
of erm... sewing and that,
what can we do to sabotage
Shorty's walking-outs?
I don't want anybody sabotaging my walking-out.
A- a-a-a-a!
It's either your walking-outs or our feet.
Well, Till?
(Sighs) I don't know.
I just don't know.
- Built to withstand all the rigours of wars, these.
- But what are we going to do?
Wait a minute...
I'm waiting.
Anti-gas bleach.
- Anti-gas bleach.
- Anti-gas bleach?
Oh, Leonard. Get me some.
Ready, get me some.
- Have you got a match?
- Yeah. Your...
This'll make him hop a bit.
(Able chuckles)
Right heel!
Parade, ready for route march, sir!
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
Mixed section, move to the left in column abrupt!
Left turn!
By the left, quick march!
Mixed section, halt!
What the devil do you think you're doing,
Sergeant Major?
Seeing you off, sir.
Somebody has to hold the fort.
A fort with only a wooden gun...
...doesn't need holding. Fall in at the rear.
With respect, sir.
I cannot do route marches with my feet.
Well, you certainly can't do one without them.
Hee-hee hee-hee.
- Fall in.
- Sir!
Mixed section and Sergeant Major...
...quick march!
(Peals of laughter)
You seems to have come apart at the seams,
Mixed section, halt!
Left turn!
- Sergeant Major!
- Sir!
- Put them all on a charge...
- Hah!
- Every man, jack and woman of 'em!
- Sir!
You is all on a charge!
Er, what is the charge, sir?
on duty!
Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! Left!
Defaulters, halt!
Hats off!
- March them in, Sergeant Major.
- One at a time, sir?
They're all on the same charge.
I'll see them all together.
Sir! Defaulters, opposite sex first.
Single file. Double march!
Left, right! Left, right! Move yourselves!
Left, right! Left, right! Mark time!
Left, right. Left, right. Move yourselves!
Left, right! Left, right!
Where are you, sir?
(Gasps) Over here, Sergeant Major.
Can't see you, sir. Raise your hand, sir.
Will you kindly remove your?
I can't. I'm squashed.
Take a deep breath, Ffoukes... Ffoukes Sharpe.
Oh, never mind where I am, Sergeant Major.
Read the charge.
Hargh! Defaulters did, whilst on duty,
indulge in unauthorised laughter
in contravention of King's regulations
and War Office instructions, sir.
(Muffled reply)
I'm sorry, sir. We couldn't er...
We couldn't quite catch that.
Will you kindly remove those things from my?
I said you're all confined to camp for two weeks.
Carry on, Sergeant Major!
Sir! About turn!
Double march! Left, right! Left, right!
Move yourselves! Move yourselves!
Sergeant Major. Shut the door.
That'll teach 'em.
What are you shaking your head for?
- They will not mind being confined to camp, sir.
- Nonsense.
Every soldier minds being confined to camp.
Not when half of 'em is women, sir.
- They is happy here.
- Happy?
It has always been my proud boast, sir,
in all my time as a sergeant major,
in all my camps there has never been
a single sign of happiness... till now.
Why, man? Why?
- This lot have got everything they want here, sir.
- Such as?
A bit of this. A bit of that. A lot of that, actually.
A lot of what?
You know, sir. That.
Surely you don't mean a bit of the other?
This, that, or the other, sir.
They is at it all the time.
In and out of each other's quarters
like fiddlers' elbows.
Are they indeed? That is something
to which I'm going to put a bloody stop!
With respect, sir. We cannot stop them
without staying up all night.
That will not be necessary, Sergeant Major.
We will build a chastity fence.
- A what, sir?
- A sort of a big belt.
Made of barbed wire.
Cor! That sounds a bit uncomfortable, sir.
- Last one, Sergeant Major.
Steady, man.
You caught me right in the... field dressing.
MELLY: Lift.
I think congratulations are in order,
Sergeant Major.
- Thank you, sir.
- Not you, you fool. Me.
- Come along. Let's get back.
- There's gratitude for you.
- Private Easy?
- Yes, Sergeant?
Make the signal to Sergeant Able.
Code or plain language?
- Plain language.
- Right away.
- Ready?
- Sergeant?
Make to Sergeant Willing, message received...
and understood.
Alice, I don't think I can hold this pose
much longer.
- I'll get cramp.
- Really?
Oh, Leonard. What's keeping you?
I told you so, Sergeant.
- It's not only barbed wire, it's rusty.
- Rusty?
I'll get blood poisoning on my hooter!
- Shut up about your hooter!
- It's the only one I got.
- You don't think the girls have gone off us?
- It's got nothing to do with the girls.
This is a right load of old Smelly.
Smelly? Doowarrgghpree!
- Stop doing that.
- He can't do that to us.
- He's done it.
- But it's inhuman.
- He ain't human.
- He ain't going to get away with it.
- Double back and fetch a tin hat.
- What for?
- Do as I told you.
- But...
- Scarper!
- Yes, Sergeant.
Right. Here. Now, listen...
You all know the drill for this sort of operation.
I am asking for a volunteer.
Right, sarge.
Well done, son.
Thank you very much, sarge.
- What for?
- You have just volunteered.
- Have I?
- Put your helmet on, cover yourself up.
No, not on your head. Cover your er...
- I don't understand. What do you mean?
- Show him, will you?
- Ooh!
- Just hold it right there.
- What for?
- So you don't do yourself an injury
- when you lays down across the wire.
- What?
- Shh! Come on, lads. The girls is getting cold.
- No! No, Sergeant.
- I'll do anything. Not on the wire.
- Shh!
READY: Don't throw me on the wire!
ALL: One... two... three...
Cor blimey, Ready.
What have you done?
(Whimpers) Nothing.
Ooh, ahh! My neck!
Keep your hand on your helmet,
otherwise you'll be ruined for life.
Here we go.
Careful, lads.
Wake up.
Wake up!
How are you feeling, son?
Just as though those explosions
are reverberating all through my body.
Just so long as your helmet's not damaged.
- Ooooh!
- There.
Yeah. And I thought he was just a little basket.
Well, what is he, then, sarge?
A cunning little basket.
(Cock crows)
- Morning, sir.
- Good morning, Sergeant Major.
You requested my presence
at this early hour, sir.
Yes. I did indeed. Why?
Did I interrupt your sleep?
- It doesn't worry me, sir.
- I should think not, indeed.
Well, now, it's coming up to the hour. Five...
four, three, two, one. Sound the reveille.
- Reveille?
- Yes. The wakey-wakey.
Get up and win the war.
When I'm on my feet, everyone is.
Beg pardon, sir, but I's found
you gets more out of this shower
if they is allowed to wake up...
sort of gradual, like.
Well, from now on,
they're going to wake up sort of sudden, like.
If they gets up on the wrong side, sir,
they can make your life a bloody misery all day.
Yes, well, I'm the man who makes lives
bloody miserable, Sergeant Major.
- Sound the reveille.
- Very well, sir.
I think I can safely say that
this is definitely going to give them the needle.
Hee-hee hee hee-hee-hee!
Stand by.
(Trumpet fanfare)
- Blimey! It's only half past six!
- What a liberty!
Here, turn that off!
Oh, my gawd! Give it a rest.
- What the hell was that?
- Sounds like reveille.
Well, turn the bloody thing off.
You can't turn off a tannoy, sarge.
Get on Ready's shoulders
and stuff something up it.
What can I stuff up it, sarge?
I don't know. Your head, your arse, your elbow.
Only hurry up. I'm trying to get some kip.
- Hey, Ready.
- What?
- Hand us my pillow.
- Can't you remember anything?
I can't see!
- Get it out of my face!
- There we are.
It's stopped. We'll take it back again.
Wakey-wakey, rise and shine.
You may break your mothers' hearts,
but you will not break mine.
How dare you stuff the commanding officer
whilst he is talking! Unstuff him at once!
Get down and get dressed.
And, the rest of you,
what does you think you is doing?
Well, we was trying to get some kip.
But you has had all night to kip.
Now, then, off your backs, on your feet
and get into them ablutions at the double!
Hey, what's all this about, then,
Sergeant Major?
Aircraft recognition. These is your new pin-ups.
I bet none of you can tell the difference between
a couple of Heinkels and a pair of Bristols.
No, but I can recognise a Fokker
when I see one.
Good boy. That is why you is a sergeant.
TANNOY: Attention, all ATS personnel.
I'm going to make men of you.
As from this moment, skirts will not be worn.
TANNOY: Skirts will not be worn.
Ooh, that'll be a bit drafty.
TANNOY: Battledress trousers
will be worn at all times.
- That is all.
- Wait a minute!
Private Easy, did you hear what he just said?
Of course. That's what we're talking about.
No, no, no, Bombardier Murray.
He said, his exact words were,
"Battledress trousers will be worn.
That is all."
So he did.
(Bloomer sings to himself)
Wakey-wakey! Rise and shine!
All ATS personnel taking breakfast,
fall in outside under Corporal Murray.
Come along, girls. Fall in.
How dare you come on parade
improperly dressed?
- We're only obeying orders, Sergeant Major.
- Or...
Orders? Whose orders?
His. Sir's. We're to wear battledress trousers
and that's all.
- The officer wouldn't give that order!
- His very words.
The dirty little...
Sergeant Major.
What the devil's going on here?
Why are these men half-naked?
Because, sir, you said they was
to wear trousers and that is all.
I did not.
ALL: Oh, yes you did, sir.
- Oh, no, I didn't.
- Oh, yes, you d...
- Oh, no, I didn't.
- Oh, yes, you did!
- I'm going to make a couple of points.
- Ooh!
Sergeant Major, when I said, "That's all,"
I didn't mean that's all, I meant that's all.
That sounds like a lot of alls, sir.
The cold wind of change
is going to blow through this camp.
This I promise you. So you'd better take cover.
I have now... Do you mind, Sergeant Major?
I have now taken you apart.
And from now on, that is how you will stay.
You will eat apart.
You will march apart.
You will live apart.
Left turn!
MELLY: Worlds apart!
- Right turn!
MELLY: During gun drills,
which will now take place daily,
gas masks will be worn at all times.
Do I make myself clear?
There will be compulsory nights out
every night until 23:59 hours.
Transport will be provided.
ATS, Mondays,
- men on Tuesdays.
- Look at him laughing at us. Look.
And so it will go on and on and on and on...
until the whole of Europe is ours!
How did he get into our army?
Sieg heil, Melly.
I've got it! I've got it.
- Whooerrpaaahh.
- So has he.
Well, take it outside.
And throw a bucket of water on it.
I've got it!
- I've got it!
- What a waste.
Poor devil.
Right, you lot. Over here.
Come on, move yourselves.
Now, this is the plan.
We are going to dig a tunnel.
We are going to dig a tunnel!
ALL: A tunnel of love!
It won't be as dark as that.
Cop hold of these.
Never thought I'd find a use
for my Army knickers.
- Or any other kind, dear.
- Cheeky!
Now, keep it up, girls.
The boys ain't half going to get a surprise.
Heel, Hitler. Heel.
- Come on, Sergeant Major. Security patrol.
- (Barking)
Is that the best the military police
could send you?
Yours may be bigger than mine, sir,
but I've been told mine's got more bite.
Oh, come on, Hitler.
Come on, Muscles.
What's that?
What's what?
Sounds like somebody tunnelling.
Well, that's you, innit?
- What was that?
- What?
It sounded like somebody digging.
- That was you.
- Oh, yes. Of course it was.
- Check the padlock, Sergeant Major.
- Sir.
(Muscles barks)
(Muscles pees on his leg)
Sergeant Major, will you keep
that dog of yours under control?
I understand he's house-trained, sir,
but not outside-trained.
Oh, come on, Hitler. Come on.
(Muscles barks)
(Distant barking)
- Listen!
They're patrolling.
- Not a word. Pass it back.
- Shh! Pass it back.
(Muscles barks)
- Heel, Hitler. Heel.
Heel, Muscles.
(Dogs growl)
(Ready's teeth chatter)
- Quiet!
It's not me. It's my t-t-t-teeth.
(Muscles barks)
- Some old bones buried around here.
(Hitler barks)
- Aaarrghh!
- Pull yourself together. Get back at the double!
That was a close call.
I was nearly a dog's dinner.
Alice, hold them still.
How can I get anything in those?
Tilly, darling.
Guess who's here?
Leonard, dearest, move over. Your Tilly's cold.
Tilly! Where the hell are you?
Hey, sarge. Here.
Oh, no.
We must have tunnelled back into our own hut.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
Don't be stupid, stupid.
The girls must have had the same idea.
- So, they're in our hut.
- So, they're in...
Come on!
- What do you mean no?
- Listen.
If we wait here, they will come to us.
We are going to sit here quietly
and they will come to us.
- Hear anything?
- Only you.
(Trumpet fanfare)
Reveille? We've been at it all night.
Yes, and not even a nibble.
Well, it can't be.
(Cock crows)
TANNOY: Wakey-waaaakey!
Get st-uffed!
Stand at ease. Easy.
This is a great day...
for 13-13 Experimental Battery.
And an even better night for us.
Are you coming down my tunnel?
Or am I going up yours?
As a result, Headquarters have at last agreed
to send us that most desirable
piece of equipment
to have handy in time of war, namely, a gun.
May God protect us all.
The Brigadier himself will be here tomorrow
for a full inspection
and, I hope, to see us in action.
(Drone of engine)
- Ah, here she comes.
BLOOMER: Company, atten-shun!
# Rule Britannia
If he goes over our tunnel, he'll fall in.
- Sergeant Major!
- Hargh!
Culprits to my office at once.
Right, you horrible stinking shower,
I wants the guilty party,
on the word of command, male or female,
to take one pace forward!
The guilty party, one pace forward, march!
The ground... cut from under our feet,
and I am determined to get to the bottom of it.
- Answer me! You!
- Yes, sir.
Answer me!
Well, I have, sir.
Who is responsible? Answer me!
- Moles, sir.
- What?
Well, I think it was moles, sir.
Who is responsible? You.
I think it was moles, too, sir.
Moles. Moles?
You don't get your ordinary type
of mole round here, sir.
These is all whopping great big 'uns, sir.
How big?
Oh, well... as big as that big dog of yours, sir.
Moles... as big as Great Danes.
Oh, no. Bigger, really.
- You know that hill outside the camp, sir?
- Yes.
That's a molehill.
Good Lord!
- That hill must be 20 feet high!
- Well, sir...
that just goes to show you, doesn't it?
- Sergeant Major?
- Sir?
- Have you ever seen these beasts?
- I has not, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
And if I may say so, sir,
if I had seen such an animal...
you would need a gun as big as the one
that went down the hole to shoot it with.
Thank you very much, Sergeant Major.
Sergeants Willing and Able,
you have just told me a tissue...
Bless you, sir.
...of lies.
The whole lot of you...
are going to remove my gun from
its present hole and put it in its proper hole!
I don't care how you do it.
But you are going to do it,
and you are going to keep on doing it
until it is done.
- Shorthouse, are you heaving?
- I'm heaving.
Look sharp, Sharpe! Heave!
You ruin my gun...
I will ruin you! Heave!
(All shout at once)
No, he ain't going to get away with it.
Making us sweat like that.
How do you mean, us?
He ain't going to get away with it -
making you sweat like that.
- But he is flippin' getting away with it!
- Not for long, son.
It's a top brass inspection tomorrow, innit?
- Yes, Sergeant.
- Brigadier's coming, isn't he?
Yes, Sergeant.
What about it?
This about it, son.
He has gone too far.
So we are going to put into operation Plan B.
Good Lord!
- Melly seems to have turned that girl into a man.
- Jolly smart, eh, sir?
You don't suppose sheer bloody ignorance
has worked, do you?
- It couldn't be anything else, sir?
- He hasn't got anything else.
Parade! Parade!
Good show, Melly.
You've got them all turned out like guardsmen.
Thank you very much, sir.
Do they all perform as well as they look?
- I've put a stop to all that, sir.
- What?
Oh, I don't mean
I've stopped them performing, sir.
I've them stopped them... Well, erm...
- Don't follow, old boy.
- Oh, how can I put, sir?
I erm... Ah!
Oh, I see.
Got yourself a hen coop, eh?
Ha ha ha ha!
Wittily put, sir.
Yes, I rather thought so myself.
Come along, Melly. Let's get cracking.
Very good, sir.
- Colours, Sergeant Major.
- Sir.
(Bellows incomprehensibly)
- A bit of a bloomer there, Melly.
- I...
Whose flag is it supposed to be? Nica-ragua's?
Thank you, Carstairs.
Excuse me, sir. Pull those knickers down!
Not you!
You, Bombardier. Get 'em down!
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Some sort of innocent mistake.
Pulling down knickers is rarely innocent
and never a mistake.
- What?
- Oh, an epigram, sir.
I say, sir!
That was rather good.
What's next on the agenda?
Things seem to be flagging round here.
I thought a spot of gun drill, sir.
All right. Let's shoot off.
(Both chuckle heartily)
(Laughs sarcastically)
You f...
Fall in at the gun emplacement!
Move yourselves!
BLOOMER: Come on. Move yourselves!
Get them bodies moving!
13-13 Battery, at the double...
...stop for nothing, take posts!
Watch it! Aarrghh!
Better get him out of there, Sergeant Major.
Steady, sir. Excuse the familiarity, sir.
(Back cricks)
Aahh! Ohhh!
Got yourself in a bit of a hole there, Melly.
Hole! Ha ha ha ha!
- Permission to carry on, sir.
- Please do.
MELLY: You two men there.
- It doesn't need two men to lift one shell.
- You couldn't call us two men, sir.
More like one and a half.
- It doesn't need one and a half.
- These things is heavy, sir.
- A man could do himself a mischief.
- Rubbish!
Come on. Hand it to me.
- Over to you, Sergeant Major.
- Tiger, darling, let me.
Don't say darling in front of officers.
But I couldn't bear it if you strained something
before we'd even...
you know...
I do not know.
Well, let me teach you.
I find these things awfully exciting.
I don't know why.
- Take that thing out of there!
- She's rammed it up. Let it stay up.
In that case, sir, gun loaded, sir.
Bearing 270!
(Rhythmic honking)
Call Melly, will you?
Sir. Captain Melly!
Surely, in the interests of efficiency,
you shouldn't have someone with... those...
doing... erm... that.
Do you know, sir, you're right.
Yes, well, I always try
and keep abreast of things.
Oh, droll, sir. Very droll.
- Hiscock?
- I beg your pardon.
Gunner Hiscock! Replace those...
...her, will you?
Carry on, Sergeant.
- QE 30.
- Gun ready for firing, sir.
Right, stand by!
Hardly went off with a bang, eh, Melly?
Carry out drill for misfire!
Breach jammed, sir.
Jammed? Get out of my way!
Put up a bit of a black there, Melly.
- Permission to take a shower.
- Where are you going to take them?
Not this shower, sir.
Hot shower.
Yes. Well, I must admit, you do look a bit grimy.
Carry on with the brigadier's inspection,
Sergeant Major.
Shall we commence in the mess, sir?
Seem to be in it already.
Ha ha ha. Humpf!
It will start working soon.
He'll turn bright blue
as soon as he gets in the open air.
Hee-hee hee-hee!
If you could see your way clear, sir, to grant me
a transfer, I would be eternally grateful.
I would do anything, sir.
Any mission you care to suggest.
I could parachute into Germany. Kill Hitler.
Captain Melly resuming duty, sir.
- Melly?
- Sir?
Melly, last time I saw you, you were black.
Now you've turned blue.
Blue. Mirror.
- Blue as a baboon's arse.
- Ha ha! Oh...
Permission to have another shower, sir.
- Granted.
- Carry on with the inspection, Sergeant Major.
On the other hand, sir,
if you does not fancy me knocking off Hitler,
how about that fat slob of an Italian
ice cream merchant Musso-bloody-lini?
- Are you a coward, Sergeant Major?
- Me, sir?
You want to go gallivanting off,
trying to kill Hitler and Mussolini
and sneak out from under
this very tough job here?
Only a suggestion, sir.
Bloody ashamed, you should be. What's this?
Games room, sir.
What's the name of this game, Sergeant Major?
- Unarmed combat... sir.
- Oh?
What the sergeant major means, sir, is... Ahem! that you can never be sure
when them Nazi paratroopers might land, sir.
And we must be ready for them.
By fighting with ladies?
Ah, sir, we heard... about them nuns, sir.
You know, sir. Them nuns when the Frogs
was done. With Tommy guns up their habits.
Those nuns, Sergeant Major,
were German soldiers in disguise.
What we was doing, sir,
was getting used to the feel
of fighting something in skirts.
Mm-hm. What do you say, Carstairs?
- Can you explain that, Sergeant?
- Well, sir. This is erm...
well, a mixed battery, sir.
And er... well, in a mixed battery, you have to er...
- Mix it.
- Mix it.
Carstairs, you fancy yourself
at unarmed combat, don't you?
I know a trick or two, sir.
- Go on, then. Choose your opponent.
- Thank you, sir.
You. That man there.
- Me, sir?
- No, no. No! Not you, Bombardier.
I never fight a man with his glasses on.
I'll take them off, sir.
No, no. It'll be too dangerous.
Thank you. Back into line.
You. That man over there.
Me, sir?
Yes, you.
Sir, why don't you try one of our young ladies?
- Eh?
- Good idea. Why not try one of her ladies?
TILLY: Just to show how far advanced
in the game we are, sir.
- Ladies, well...
- Jolly good idea. Go ahead.
- Ffoukes Sharpe!
- Pardon?
- Sir!
- Sir.
- If I was you, sir...
- Yes, Sergeant Major.
How you wish you were me.
- No, sir, I think I should warn you...
- Don't worry, I shan't hurt her.
(Stifled chuckle)
Right, Ffoukes Sharpe. En garde!
What are they afraid of, what?
Stand by, Sergeant!
Oooh! Aarrghh!
Thank you, madam.
I wasn't ready, sir.
Come along, Carstairs. I think we've both hung
around here long enough, don't you?
Ha ha.
Whoever perpetrated that blue joke
is going to suffer.
Suffer! I'll murder 'em!
I'll make dog meat of 'em.
I'll show them who's wearing
the trousers around here.
(High-pitched voice) Good afternoon, sir.
I say, sir. That ATS private's
wearing a moustache!
That's no ATS private, Carstairs. That's Melly!
(Air raid siren)
13-13 Battery, take post!
Action stations, Carstairs. Action stations!
Is this the real thing, Sergeant Major?
Yes, lovely boy.
It is you against the Hun this time!
Move yourselves! Move yourselves!
Come on! Come on!
Sixpence for every one you shoots down.
Two bob if it is a German!
Come on! Come on! Move yourselves!
Move yourselves! Come on! Come on!
Here, did you see that?
Leonard, you cannot expect a brigadier
to expose himself.
I think perhaps we should go now.
Get those bloody guns ready!
MELLY: Put those gas masks on!
No.1 detachment, take post!
Right! Stand by!
With respect, sir. You is improperly dressed.
If it wasn't for you, Sergeant Major,
I wouldn't be in this shape.
- I reckon they're Fokkers.
- Have you got it up?
- I beg your pardon?
- The shell, man. The shell!
- That's rammed up all right, sir.
- Then fire it!
SPITFIRE PILOT: Bloody hell!
Don't shoot at him. Shoot at them!
You dozy idle fool!
Get that shell in the breach!
Oh, for heaven's sake!
- Get out!
- Fire!
- We've got him, Sergeant Major.
- Let's hope it's one of theirs.
- Aaaaaahh!
- Well done, lads! Again!
It's a hit, sir. It's a hit!
- Well done, Tiger.
- Thank you, Smelly... sir.
Do it again! Do it again!
MELLY: Fire!
It's another hit, sir!
Well done, Jock.
Do it again!
Right, stand back, you two!
That's it. Fire!
You've done it. You've done it, my lovely boys!
- We did it! We did it!
- Leonard, you did it.
- No, we did it, Till.
- We did?
Take that message back to Hitler!
A- haaaa!
Go on, Tiger. It's your birthday!
- I love you.
- You can tell him that as well.
All right.
Parade... stand at ease!
Stand easy.
Now, I am sure that you is all dying to know
the state of your commanding officer.
And I is very happy to inform you
that apart from a cracked funny bone,
sustained in the recoil, and a couple of
sprained fingers from tugging the toggle,
he is in what might be described as rude health.
In fact, he is coming out here now
to congratulate you as you so richly deserves.
# And the same to you!
And so it came about that through
the blunderings of one poor bloody officer,
a certain person who shall be nameless
was able to create
an everlasting symbol of encouragement
and devotion to duty,
a symbol accepted throughout
the entire world!