Carry on Nurse (1959) Movie Script
RADIO: Silver Maid keeping ahead
in front of Dasher and Boy Blue.
But the favourite, Red Dice,
is now lengths behind. He's right out of it.
Inside the last furlong, and Dasher's taken it up!
Moving through very smoothly.
Silver Maid hanging on to second place.
And at the post, it's Dasher from Silver Maid...
Well, did it win?
That nag should be going into hospital, not you!
Bad luck. I wonder who won the baby stakes.
Oh!
Supposing I'd been on it! (Tuts)
Ah! Where do I go?
- Hey! I can walk, you know.
- Nobody walks in 'ere.
- Any chance of walking out?
- We've got to do the job proper.
- Over here, Mr York.
- Right, nurse.
- Thanks for the ride, boys.
- Give us a write-up in the papers.
- Will you get into bed, please?
- I um...didn't have time to get my pyjamas.
Oh, that's all right. You won't need any just now.
Thanks.
- What's he got, then, Mick?
- Appendicitis.
Ten days' job.
Cor blimey! Only ten days.
When I think how easily that could have
been avoided, I could kick myself, I tell you.
Did you hear what I said then?
I said I could kick myself!
Kick myself, with that on, I said!
I think that's very funny, Mick! Don't you, Mick?
(Laughs raucously)
- Hello, Mick.
- Hello, Mr Able.
- There you are.
- What's that? A shroud?
No, an operating gown.
(Buzzer)
(Impatient buzzing)
Your turn.
Yes, Colonel?
I want to see that ward orderly chap - Mick.
You can't.
It's our job to answer the buzzer, not his.
You've only been here half a day and you've
called us a dozen times for no good reason.
Now, do try and remember
the buzzer's only for emergencies.
- This is an emergency.
- What kind of an emergency?
Every time Mick comes in here, he stays
too long. I don't know what you find to talk about.
I dare say you don't. There's some things we
men talk about it's better for women not to know.
- I can imagine that.
- I doubt it, young lady. I doubt it.
Well, what do you want him for?
What can he do for you that I can't? Tell me that.
Ho-ho-ho! Don't tempt me, girl.
Just tell Mick I want him, would you, please?
All right. Just this once.
(Knocking)
Ah, Mick, my boy. That's right, shut the door.
- Now then, dictation. Got your notebook?
- Yes, sir.
Good. Here we are, then.
Bob each way, the Black Prince.
That's the 3:30 at Chepstow.
Black Prince, 3:30 at Chepstow.
Half a dollar to win, Rambler.
R-A-M-B-L-E-R.
Now that's the 4:15 at Redcar.
4:15, Redcar.
- That's all, I think.
- Right, Colonel.
Well, you just settle down, Colonel.
I'll wait for the results.
- Oh, get me 20 Player's, would you, please?
- Yes, sir.
- Don't bother about that.
- (Clears throat)
- Good afternoon. Name?
- Oh. Good afternoon. York. Edward York.
- Address?
- 24 Passiondale Avenue.
- Age?
- 35.
- Occupation?
- News...paper reporter.
- Relax.
- I was covering the baby show.
- Next of kin?
- No.
Religion?
Which lot has the best record of recovery?
I'm very busy. Come along, now. C of E?
- False teeth?
- No.
- Glass eye?
- No!
And before you go any further,
the rest of me is my own!
Sign, please. Consent for general anaesthetic.
- Ooh!
- Relax.
- Hello. I'm Mick.
- Hi, Mick.
- What's her trouble?
- Oh, night starvation.
- Going to shave you.
- Shave?
My appendix isn't on my face!
I'm not going to shave your face!
(Impatient buzzing)
- Yes, Colonel?
- I'm all crumby!
If you will stuff yourself
with those crumbly biscuits...
Well, I have to have some pleasure, damn it.
Hop out and I'll take the crumbs away.
- Where's that fella Mick got to?
- He's doing something for Sister.
Can I help?
Not unless you know what won
the 4:15 at Redcar, you can't.
- Oh, you and your racing. All right, get in.
- Thank you.
Oh, I wish you wouldn't eat those biscuits!
I eat biscuits, my girl, to calm my nerves.
Rambler won it. 3-1.
- Comfy now?
- Yes.
Rambler, do you say?
Hoo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha! Good old Rambler!
(Chuckles) Oh, we'll have a new one now.
- Ooph!
- I warned you.
Thank you.
- Sister...
- I'm not a sister, I'm a staff nurse.
Oh? How do I tell the difference?
Student nurses wear big hats.
We call them butterflies.
- You call them what?
- Butterflies.
-Ah, I like that.
- They don't.
And staff nurses wear these. Got it?
Yes. I think you're wonderful.
Relax, Mr York.
Oh!
Nurse Dawson!
Is it your intention to wreck my ward?
- Wh-who are you?
- I'm a nurse.
You're in hospital, but you're all right.
(Sighs)
- Let's have a beer.
- You can't have a beer, Mr York.
She'll give me a beer. I'll go...
Cor!
- Somebody stabbed me!
- Lie still, you've got a drain in you.
Now that you've made my bed...you can lie on it!
- Mmm!
- Why, Mr York!
Mr York!
Oh, I'm sorry, Staff.
I was just trying to get Mr York to settle down.
- For life?
- Lovely!
(Laughs deliriously)
When you're on night duty, nurse,
always carry a couple of sleeping pills with you.
There isn't always time to go and fetch them.
Yes, Staff. Thank you.
Buck up, there's another patient coming in.
Cor, what a place.
Bath, sluice room, sterili... Jane!
Look, my hand's all right. I keep
telling everybody. I don't have to come here.
(Impatient buzzing)
- All you need is just to rub it.
I don't like this place at all.
There's lights, and bells, and buzzers...
Come on, babe.
Excuse me, miss.
I think there's been a bit of a mistake.
- I don't have to stay here, you see.
- Through there, please.
I'm not going in. It's full of sick people.
I'll catch something.
You've already got something. Go in!
Ah. Mr Bishop? Come in, will you, please?
Now, will you please get into bed?
Look er...miss, I'm quite all right, you see.
I've sprained my wrist in a fight before.
All I need is a bit of the old massage.
- Your X-ray shows a dislocation and fracture.
- Well, the X-ray's wrong.
- It's just a sprain.
- Shall I give you a hand?
No, that won't be necessary, thanks.
- Bernie, you do as you're told.
- Yeah, but the point is, all...
(Sighs) I don't know.
All right, darling.
Kiss the baby for me.
Now, Mr Bishop, will you sit down, please?
Hey! Mr Hickson!
- Mr Hickson!
- Hm?
What? What?
Bernie Bishop's just come in. The boxer.
He's hurt his hand.
- What do you expect me to do? Stand...
- Ssh!
Stand up and cheer?
Do me a favour, will you? Go to sleep.
Sorry. I thought you were a fan.
Let's all get a bit of peace.
This is a madhouse.
I'll be glad when I get home.
Bernie Bishop, he says. Bernie... (Snorts)
Cor! What a punch, though.
He landed in Row F.
Well, don't worry. They'll soon fix that hand
so that you don't roll on it when you're asleep.
- Stand up, please.
- OK.
- There.
- Right.
- Now...
- Eh? What? What, what?
- Well, you can't sleep in those.
- That's quite all right.
- I can er...take 'em off.
- With one hand?
Yeah, I can manage. Thank you.
You two ladies, turn your backs, please.
Good. Wait a... Hey, what's going on?
You can't do...!
What a sauce! Nurse! Please!
Cor!
What a fuss about such a little thing.
(Impatient buzzing)
Come in.
- Good morning, Colonel.
- It's not. No racing.
What are we going to do
to amuse ourselves today, eh?
I really don't know, sir.
Not unless you're interested
in a little private wager, sir.
- What are you talking about?
- With me, that is.
You see, it's Matron's round today.
Well now, she usually averages about
14 minutes 10 to about 16 minutes 30 seconds
from the top of the stairs
to the last bed in the ward.
- Half a crown on the nearest time to a second?
- That's it.
- Are you on?
- I'm on, sir.
- Got a stopwatch?
- I'll get one.
- Just a moment. Don't... I want that!
- I'm sorry, it's Matron's round.
- What's going on?
- Matron's round.
I don't care if she's triangular.
Mick!
Mick! Mick!
The veranda! Sweep the veranda first!
Do you mind!
Oh, please! Let's get on!
- I say! You don't know what you've missed.
- Don't I?
The most marvellous recipe.
Don't you worry, I shall be at it
the moment I get out. It's made in a flash.
Camper's Jamboree Folly.
I have it here!
You take a couple of red raisins, two whites of
eggs, one grated earphone... Earphones? Oh!
You wicked, bad girl!
I shall miss the next programme.
Feudal! That's what this place is! Feudal!
I could choke!
I'm studying nuclear physics,
the thing of the future.
I've got an examination to pass,
and I'm delayed because a survival
from the surgical Stone Age called a matron
is going to walk through here!
I could spit! I could scream!
My name's Oliver Reckitt.
You've made a mess of your hand.
Industrial injury?
Er... Pardon?
Hurt it at your work?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a boxer.
How savage.
It's no more savage
than what you're doing, mate.
Pressing buttons, making explosions and giving
everybody horrible weather in the summer.
Come along! Come along! Come along, please!
- Yes?
- Ah, good morning.
My name's Perkins, Ted York's editor.
I've just brought some things along
from his digs. Can I see him?
Newspaper man, you know. Very busy at nights.
I doubt if he'll get anybody.
Go along in here now, out of the way.
Ted'll never get a single visitor, you know,
unless I can...
- Oh, good morning, Matron.
- Good morning, Sister.
Come along, come along. We must be quick.
I'm due at a meeting. Now...
- Good morning, Mr York.
- Good morning.
- Everything all right, I hope?
- Yes, thank you, Matron.
- Nurse?
- Ssh!
- Good morning, Mr Hinton!
- (Laughs raucously)
- (Continues laughing)
- Mr Hinton, please!
(Continues laughing)
Argh!
Beg pardon.
You're all right.
(Laughs raucously)
(Laughing continues)
- Feeling all right today?
- As well as can be expected.
If that's all there is to it,
why all the fear and trembling?
You'll see. That wasn't typical.
Stick around a few days.
I haven't got much choice, have I?
- Carry on, Sister.
- Thank you, Matron.
- Can I come out now?
- Yes, Mr Perkins. But be quick, please.
- Thank you very much.
- Come along, everybody! Back to work!
Crikey, Colonel!
She broke an all-time record today!
12 minutes, 20 seconds.
Now, I said er...14.2 You said 14.50.
You owe me half a crown, guv.
All right. There's the money there. Help yourself.
- I'll toss you, double or quits.
- Well, I must fly, sir.
- I'm all of a rush this morning.
- Blast the matron.
Listen...
Hospital life from the patient's point of view.
Byline, Ted York - dateline on the spot.
A series. It's sure-fire.
Look, everybody's interested in hospitals.
Look, we can't miss.
I'll run special supplements, special advertising.
I'll give you a bonus.
- It's as good as written.
- That's my boy.
All you've got to do is to sit here
and watch and listen and write.
YORK: Now, don't forget the bonus.
- I won't.
I'm sorry, you must go now, Mr Perkins.
Mr Stephens is making his round
a little earlier today.
Certainly.
Don't forget, Ted. Keep it clean. Bye-bye.
Bye, nurse.
What's all this about an anaesthetic? I just
thought I needed a drop of the old massage.
Well, we have to manipulate your wrist,
set your hand in plaster of Paris.
- The pain would be too great.
- Oh, now, come on, doc, please.
I can bear any amount of pain.
You just do what you have to right now.
I've read about your left hook, Mr Bishop.
I've no desire to feel it.
You'd be well advised to sign.
You'll be here a week.
After that, with a little luck,
you'll fight again in about three months' time.
I'm sorry, there's no quicker way.
Being in a public ward
is quite an experience for me,
and a surprisingly pleasant one, I must admit.
- Mind you, of course, coddling can go too far.
- Definitely.
Private enterprise - that's the ticket.
I mean, you take my house, for instance,
on the er...the west side of the common.
I saw it on a Monday,
brought off a deal in the City on Tuesday,
bought it on the Wednesday - cash on the nail.
Private enterprise. There is nothing like it.
Definitely. That's how I got my house.
You... You've got your own place?
Yes. The manor. West side of the common.
What, that lovely stately...?
But... But... You own that?
Rent it. 23 bob a...
No, no, no, I'm a liar.
22s 9d a week, from the council.
But... But... But how?
Well, they had to give us somewhere.
I've got 11 kids.
Private enterprise. Definitely.
- May I borrow your chair?
- (Mumbles) Yes.
(Mouths)
- All right?
- I was.
(Dramatic piano run)
- I want to talk to you.
- I want to talk to you.
Oh? What about?
Yes or no today?
Well, as a matter of fact...no.
(Piano music continues)
- (Winces)
- Drink it.
Urgh!
(Piano music resumes)
(Chattering)
- Good evening, Mr York.
- Hello!
- Would you like a hospital visitor?
- A what?
A hospital visitor. Someone who volunteers
to chat with patients who have no visitors.
No, thank you.
- You visit me.
- You see enough of me all day.
Hm?
Cor!
A lady referee.
Back in the land of the living, Mr Bishop?
I got the compensation form from the union,
dear.
Well, it's about time. Let's fill it in.
Take my glove off first.
How do you expect to fill that thing in properly
like that?
Why don't you find something to lean on?
I'll take this book.
Take this book.
Full name.
Well, don't tell me you don't know that by now.
No, it's all right, dear. I was only thinking aloud.
Oh. Block letters.
- Now, date of accident.
- 27th.
- No, dear, it couldn't have been.
- Look, I ought to know.
No, dear, it couldn't have been.
Because the 27th I went to see Grandma.
You came to fetch me at the station.
You couldn't have done that
with a broken leg, dear, could you?
- What difference does it make?
- Well, it must have been the next day, then.
Oh, right. So it was the next day.
- What difference does it make?
- Oh, Perc, do try and be reasonable.
Ha! Reasonable.
Well, I mean,
you've got to be accurate on these things,
otherwise, well,
anybody could write in and claim.
Marge, look, just you write it down, girl, eh?
Just get it down, that's all.
Now... Do you expect this incapacity
to last more than a week?
No, I'm er... I'm going to a dance tonight.
Oh, Perc, do help!
Well, it gives me the sick,
all these daft questions!
Well, they've got to know these things, dear.
Look! I fell off a scaffolding!
I broke my perishing leg!
Now what more do they want to know?
My father's chest measurements?
Oh, cor blimey. Now... Now...
Now, don't you start.
I can't help it.
It's too much.
You stuck in here, your leg stuck up there,
and I'm all alone.
I know. With three kids.
Oh, Perc, don't!
Marge. Marge, I'm sorry.
Now, don't go on like that, girl.
I get fed up, you see, stuck in here like this.
Oh, I know, I know.
It's not very easy for me,
and now you won't even help to fill the form out.
It's too much, Percy. It's too much for me!
Well... Well, look, I'm sorry, girl.
I'm... I'm sorry. Percy'll kiss it better, eh?
Um... Marge, I...
You'll have to come closer, girl.
You see, I... I can't move, you know.
Hm? Oh, untie my hand, nurse,
will you, please?
Not yet. You might fall asleep again.
Oh, take all these screens away, nurse.
I can't bear being shut in. Please.
All right.
Oh, my little boy.
Cor, you should see his right
when he punches our cat.
Ooh!
Hello. I'm Jill Thompson.
Harry Thompson's sister.
Oh, yes, of course.
Do sit down, please.
Harry's sorry he couldn't get here.
Well, he sent some books.
Oh, thank you.
Hm...
Problems Of Radiation.
Nuclear Physics Advanced Theory.
Oh, splendid.
What's this?
Wakefield's Practical Surgery?
- Oh, Harry must have put that in by mistake.
- Never mind.
Yes. It looks absorbing enough.
Yes, indeed.
You look pale, though.
There's no getting away from it.
Ah, it's probably cos I can't sleep.
- Being away from you, I expect.
- Ssh!
No, honest.
Well, you must sleep.
Ask the doctor for something.
- Don't be silly. He can't give me what I need.
- Bert!
Well!
I'm awfully sorry.
I do appreciate your bringing them.
Harry told me you live for your work.
Where have we met before?
- I have a curious feeling we've met.
- At home, once.
Oh, yes.
- How are you getting on?
- All right, thank you.
That's good.
- Is there anything else I can bring you?
- Oh, no. No, thanks.
Visiting time's nearly over. I think I'll go.
- Must you?
- Perhaps I'll look in again sometime.
You might want something.
Oh, do. It's most kind.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Cor!
You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Oliver.
Cor! What a way to treat your nice girlfriend.
She is not my girlfriend.
Ooh! (Chuckles)
She'd like to be, mate.
Yeah, you can take it from me. She'd like to be.
(Telephone rings)
Oh, Nurse Dawson. Visiting time's over.
Ring the bell, will you?
- Yes, Sister.
(Impatient buzzing)
All right, I'm coming!
(Alarm rings)
(Sirens)
Seconds out!
- Nurse Dawson.
- Yes, Sister?
- I thought I told you to ring the bell.
- I did, Sister.
- Then why are the visitors still here?
- Well, I don't know, I...
(Approaching sirens)
Oh, crikey.
(Coughing)
What's the matter, Mr York? Can't you sleep?
Wind?
Nurse.
- Staff?
- Yes?
- Sorry about last night. I was a bad boy.
- Oh, I've seen worse.
- Do you like night work?
- Yes.
- Nice and peaceful, eh?
- Sometimes.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Oh, thanks, nurse.
(Belches)
Oh, my gut!
Hello, you're early.
Sister told me to sterilise these catheters
last night. It went out of my head.
- I've just got time.
- You haven't. The steriliser's full.
- Oh, crikey!
(Buzzer)
Don't panic. I'll put them in a kidney dish on
the gas stove for you, if you'll see what he wants.
OK, thanks.
-What is it, Colonel?
- Hello, you're early.
Well, anyone would think
I was always four hours late.
- What can I do for you?
- Dashed if I can remember.
Coming in early,
you've put it right out of my head.
Suppose you buzz again when you remember.
If it's important.
What do you mean, "if"? Of course it's imp...
Oh, I remember!
It's my pulse, it's racing. Like I ought to be today.
- It's your imagination, Colonel.
- Positively pounding, I tell you.
You're feeling the wrong place. Give it me.
- What did I tell you?
- Ssh!
- Quite normal.
- Impossible!
Patients aren't allowed to contradict.
Hello! You're early.
The next person says that to me,
I'll spit right in their eye!
- Good morning, Nurse Dawson. You're early.
- Yes, Sister. Morning, Sister.
(Impatient buzzing)
- Is it a matter of life and death, Colonel?
- No, but...
Well, then, please wait!
- Morning, Matron.
- Morning, Doctor.
- Good morning, Matron.
- Good morning, Sister.
- Those screens are untidy, Sister.
- I'll see to them at once.
- Good morning, Mr Reckitt.
- Good morning, Matron.
Your temperature's behaving very oddly, I see.
Perhaps it'll settle down when I get up.
- Tomorrow, Mr Stephens said.
- Good.
Don't study too hard.
I don't know any other way to absorb knowledge,
Matron.
- Good morning, Mr Bishop.
- Good morning, Matron.
- Mr Bishop is a boxer, Matron.
- How interesting.
- And how did this unfortunate accident occur?
- Oh, it was in a fight.
The fourth round of an eliminating contest.
I'm a contender, you see.
Well, the bell goes, so I comes out my corner
like the clappers.
- The clappers?
- That is a boxing term, I believe, Matron.
How very interesting.
Yeah. Well, I gave him a couple of lefts...
like that, you know. Right in the gut.
I could have shook hands with his spine.
His guard dropped,
so I clocked him, dead on the button.
That was the end of the bout.
Broke my hand.
Well, Mr Bishop,
I hope you recover like...the clappers.
Well, thanks very much, missus. Er...Matron.
Very nice.
(Sniffs)
(Sniffs)
Phwoo!
(Sniffs)
(Sniffs)
- Cor! What a stink!
- The cook appears to be improving.
- Sister, investigate that odour.
- Yes, certainly, Matron.
Ow! Ow!
(Coughs)
You idiot!
Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry, Sister.
You really are a complete fool, aren't you?
And during Matron's round, too.
Go into my office and wait for me!
Oh!
Everything's quite all right now, Matron.
Nurse Dawson, how dare you burst in like that!
Oh, just a minute!
- Ruddy thing!
- It's Matron's round!
Well, mine's a pint! (Laughs)
- (Clears throat)
- Nurse, what is it? I told you to wait in my office.
I did, Sister. There was a phone call.
Emergency admission.
Very well. Carry on, nurse.
We shall just have room.
Mr Jackson's going home today.
I wonder whether perhaps...
I'm quite capable of continuing my round alone,
Sister.
Oh, thank you very much, Matron.
(Clattering)
Nurse Dawson!
Are you training for nursing or demolition?
(Impatient buzzing)
- I'm sorry, Sister.
- Yes, Colonel?
- I heard a crash. What's going on?
- Oh, nothing.
- Staff Nurse!
Staff Nurse!
Oh, I can never find you when I want you.
- What did you want, Sister?
- An emergency admission.
- Yes, Sister? What sort of case?
- What?
- Stupid Nurse Dawson didn't get the details.
- Shall I telephone, Sister?
I'm quite capable of making a telephone call
for myself, thank you, Staff Nurse.
Please get Mr Jackson's bed ready
for the admission.
Yes, Sister.
Been starving yourself, Mr Gray?
Couldn't eat. Such pain...last night.
Good. That means we don't have to starve you
and I can operate that much sooner.
Nurse. I'll operate tonight.
Yes, Mr Stephens.
- What's all this in aid of, nurse?
- Massage. To prevent bed sores.
Oh, yeah?
Getting to the bottom of the trouble, eh?
That's right.
Ooh!
Ah. Lovely.
(Giggles)
Whoa!
- Anything wrong?
- Oh, no, no, no. Very nice, thank you.
Whoo!
Phew!
(Chattering)
Janey... Supposing I couldn't ever fight again?
Just suppose.
Deep down, would you really be pleased?
Well, I... I don't like you fighting.
Sometimes I can hardly bear to look.
But you're happy when you're pushing
someone's face into the middle of next week.
And I like to see you happy.
So you get that hand better
and come out fighting.
I'm glad I married you, Jane.
I've got a surprise for you.
- Pickled red cabbage?
- It's not red, it's ginger.
- My manager!
- I'll send him along.
What a pity I'm not allowed to bring the children.
- Yes, it's allowed in the private wards.
- Oh, well, we couldn't afford that.
- Hush.
- What?
Oh, nothing.
Rhoda, dear, do try to say pardon, not what.
Sorry, Henry. Do you like this?
What? I mean, pardon?
- Oh, yes. Oh, very nice. Yes.
- For when you come home.
I bought it with our divvy from the Co-op.
Rhoda, please!
- What's the matter, dear?
- Oh, never mind.
Any other news?
Ooh!
We've had a letter from the building society.
Rhoda!
- Ginge!
- Bernie!
Norm as well! (Chuckles)
Come on in.
Well, how are you, Bernie boy?
You look great. Just great, son. Great.
Well, give him the flowers, then.
You'll choke 'em gripping 'em like that.
Ta. Ta, Norm, my old sparring partner.
- How are you, mate?
- Yeah, fine.
Yeah, he's fine.
No-one will ever know how I suffered when
you busted your hand like that, Bernie boy.
'Ey, Ginger, why haven't you come in here
to see me before now?
Well, as it happens,
I have got a reason for coming to see you.
That is, a reason over and above my natural,
warm and human concern
as a manager for one of my boys.
I am a showman.
But I have an unpleasant duty to perform.
I have come here to give you a thick ear.
I won, didn't I? This was an accident, you know,
but I beat him.
- Too true, you won. Too flippin' fast, you won.
- But I had him beat.
What do you expect me to do?
Dance the cha-cha for five rounds?
You're being flippant,
but I'm glad to see you've got the right idea.
- I don't understand.
- You don't understand.
I'm a showman. That's what you've got to be.
You've reached the stage now
where you're right in the public eye.
What you need is a gimmick.
- Gimmick?
- Gimmick.
Belt up! Yeah, a gimmick.
Something the public associates with you alone.
You remember Frisco Freddie.
You remember Frisco.
- Frisco, yeah.
- Yeah, that's right.
He was a boxer who used to ride punches
all the time.
Exactly. He used to ride 'em. Ride 'em.
The crowd loved it.
Yeah, well, look, I could do that.
'Ere, Norm.
You used to train with Frisco, didn't you?
- You used to train with Frisco, didn't you?
- That's right.
Well, come on, then! Let's show Bern
how you used to spar with Frisco.
'Ere. I tell you, it was marv...
He was just like a ballet dancer.
And he used to punch...
Hold that. Right, easy now.
Punch, ride. Punch, ride.
Punch, ride. Punch, ride.
He used to ride the lot, he did.
Until he was ready, and then...bosh!
Knocked 'em cold, it did!
- Nurse!
- Nurse.
Just a minute, Mr York.
- Hello. What's that?
- For your bowels. Sit down, please.
- Have you um...given one of these before?
- Oh, good gracious! Hundreds.
Get it down, now.
Other end, nurse.
Never mind. With a face like mine,
it's a mistake anyone might make.
Persecution! That's what it is, persecution!
- I shall write to the Minister for Health.
- Never mind, you'll live through it.
It's a miracle you do!
You all ought to strike!
One day, that's all it would take.
One day, and the nursing profession
would advance a hundred years.
Why don't you organise a march
to Downing Street?
And Sister Anna will carry the banner.
Oh! The whole fat-headed farce
makes me puke!
There. That's you settled.
Settled? Huh!
I feel about as settled as an active volcano.
(Quirky orchestral music)
(Trombone music)
(Drum roll)
(Triangle pings)
Please don't lie on top of the bed clothes.
Matron's rule.
- Oh, sorry.
- In bed or out, but never on.
- Do please try and remember.
- OK, OK.
- Everything all right, Mr Bishop?
- Fine thanks, Matron.
- My hand's getting better. Sort of knitting.
- Excellent. Keep up the good work.
Everything all right, Mr Reckitt?
Medically, yes, Matron. Otherwise, no.
This is my first day out of bed.
I have to move about, I am told,
yet rest when tired.
As I have stitches in my stomach,
all movement is painful.
Oh, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about that,
Mr Reckitt.
I realise that, Matron.
I wonder, though,
if you could satisfy my curiosity on one point.
I will try. What is the point, Mr Reckitt?
Why must I endure the extra pain
of getting into and out of bed
when I can rest just as effectively
lying on top of the bedclothes?
I don't like to see men lying about.
It makes the ward look untidy.
I see. It isn't a medical rule.
I don't see what that has to do with it.
I'll explain, Matron.
If a doctor asks me to hang by one arm
from the ceiling,
wearing an aqualung, with my birthday tattooed
on my left buttock in shorthand, I'll do it.
He aims to cure me.
Your rule has nothing to do with my cure.
Therefore, it has no meaning in here.
- Mr Reckitt...
- Excuse me.
I wish to rest.
Sorry, Matron. I thought your round was over.
I'm so sorry...
Sister, this ward is the slackest in the hospital.
And the untidiest.
- Oh, but Matron...
- See that all the beds are remade at once.
- All the beds?
- I think you heard what I said, Sister.
Good morning.
Staff Nurse, this ward's a disgrace!
You have no control over the nurses.
- But, Sister!
- It's time we had a little discipline!
- Remake all the beds.
- The beds?
Beds, beds, beds! Are you deaf? B-E-D-S!
Go and do it at once! Now!
- Yes, Sister.
(Door slams)
Nurse Axwell! Nurse Axwell!
- Yes, Staff?
- Come here.
- Get new bedclothes for the whole ward.
- Today?
Not tomorrow, not Christmas, but today.
T-O-D-A-Y! Today!
Nurse Dawson!
- Nurse Dawson!
- Yes?
- Yes what?
- Yes, nurse.
- Get you!
- Oh, you're so rude, you student nurses!
- Come and help me get fresh linen.
- But this isn't the day for...
One more word out of you and I'll report you!
Now come along!
Yes, nurse.
- Ooh!
- Oh, you clumsy great oaf!
- Well, look who's talking!
- Oh!
- Ah, good morning.
- Good morning.
- Got any fruit bars?
- No. I've got a sliced nut.
Come to the right place to have it mended!
(Laughs)
Oh, dear.
- Sit down, Mr York.
- Ah, hello.
I wanted to a...
- How am I doing?
- Both up slightly.
Any idea why?
- You know, nursing training is right out of date.
- What do you mean?
Well, they should have taught you that there isn't
always a medical reason for a fast pulse.
- Hello, chaps!
- Mr Bell?
Ding-dong, you're not wrong.
This way, please.
Hello. Hello.
Get into bed, Mr Bell.
I say, nurse. I'm going to be in and out of here
inside a few days.
- Surely I don't have to go to bye-byes.
- In!
Oh, what a bore.
Oh, well, you're the governor.
BELL: What's the matter with him?
NURSE: Mrs Dale's Diary.
(Impatient buzzing)
- Tails.
You lose.
Every five minutes. He's becoming impossible!
Well?
There's a big, annoying lump in my bed.
There is. I mean, there is?
- Where's that fellow Mick?
- He's not allowed in here, and you know it.
If Sister catches him putting on bets for you,
we'll all be sacked.
Get a telephone installed in here
and I can do it myself.
What do you think this is, an hotel?
- Hey um...Oliver?
- Mm?
I've been meaning to ask you.
Was it the anaesthetic, or did I really see
a real nice girl come to visit you the other night?
- Hm?
- A girl.
- Did I see a girl come to see you?
- Yes.
Very nice too, eh?
(Chuckles) You're a lucky fella.
- What?
- I said you're a lucky bloke.
What on earth are you talking about?
(Laughs) Oh, never mind.
Urgh!
It's very kind of you to show me the way,
Mr Stephens.
Oh, I like to make newcomers feel
thoroughly at home.
Thank you again.
We must have a drink together tonight.
To celebrate your first case.
- Must we?
- But of course.
We've a lot to talk about.
- Such as?
- Why, surgery, of course.
You're too kind. And optimistic.
- I might botch the case.
- Oh, you won't.
Good luck.
- (Wolf-whistles)
- Good afternoon, Dr Winn.
Good afternoon, Staff Nurse.
Mr Bell's arrived, I believe?
This way, Doctor.
- Good afternoon, Mr Bell.
- Good afternoon.
- Hallux valgus. Straight out of the book, nurse.
- Yes, Doctor.
I'll operate tomorrow morning.
- Nothing to eat for you today, Mr Bell.
- Of course not, darling. Er...doctor.
Thank you, nurse.
- Wow!
- Ravishing.
She can take out my drain any time.
Phwoar! She's all the compensation I'd want.
(Chuckles)
Cor! How about a couple of rounds with her, eh?
Winner take all.
The sex-mad fools!
Anyone for water?
Hey, Mick!
Where have you been hiding Dr Winn?
Yeah, why wasn't we done by her, then?
Oh, she's new and junior.
Only handling simple cases for a while.
What have you got, Mr Bell?
- A hallux valgus.
- Oh, a bunion.
Cor blimey!
Do you mean he gets her for a bunion?
(Knocks) Yes, Colonel?
Sorry to be a nuisance, my dear,
but my bandage has slipped.
That's all right.
Well, I ought to know.
It's flapping about like a flag at half-mast.
- Any idea what won the 2:30?
- None at all.
What? I thought you were interested in racing.
All I'm interested in is getting you settled
so I can get on with something more important.
- Oh, dear. Aren't I important?
- As a patient, yes.
As a congenital gambler, no.
My dear girl, your values are all wrong.
It ought to be the other way round.
- What, the bandage?
- No, no. You know what I mean.
- Where's Mick?
- He's busy.
- He won't be too busy to come and see me.
- If he's any sense, he will.
- There. Is that better?
- Yes. Thank you very much indeed.
Oh, nurse, don't forget about Mick, will you?
(Chuckles) I love 'em.
There you are, poppet.
To celebrate tomorrow, when it's all over.
Oh, Megsy, you're a darling.
- Anything else I can bring you?
- Only yourself, sweetie.
Every single day.
- How's my car?
- Oh, not to worry, darling.
I took it in for servicing and it'll be all ready
in time for our little trip.
I booked secluded little hotels
all along our route.
- Separate rooms, of course.
- Oh, just think of it.
A whole week together in er...separate rooms.
Oh, wacko.
Starting one week from now.
You're sure your silly old bunion
will be settled by then?
Megsy, darling,
everything will be settled by then.
Oh, Jack.
- Hey, Janey, I wonder if he'll forget me.
- Of course not.
Oh, I don't know. Kids do, you know.
- I heard of a case once.
- Not in these few days, silly.
- Is there anything you want?
- Yeah. Pickled red cabbage.
- I don't know if you'd be allowed.
- Of course I would.
My hand's got nothing to do with my belly,
has it?
- Well, I'll ask the sister anyway.
- Oh, don't go now.
I have to, darling.
I've left the baby with Mrs Williams.
Oh, yeah. Oh, well.
Give him a kiss from me, will you?
See you tomorrow.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Expecting her, Oliver?
- Of course not.
I've got far more important things to worry about
than entanglements.
It's so sensible having afternoon visiting
on half-day closing.
Mind you,
I expect I could get away from work anyway.
Rhoda, my dear, keep your voice down, dear.
No need to let everyone know you go to work.
Oh, really, Henry. If I didn't know you better,
sometimes I'd think you were a snob!
I really would! (Chuckles)
You're sure you asked for something
to make you sleep?
Yes, love. Gonna have it tonight.
- Senacol, or Sinacol, or something.
- Oh, that's a relief.
I'd rather have a pint of old and mild.
I told 'em too, but they don't know anything.
- Oh, Bert.
- Well, they don't!
Miss Thompson. I was just thinking about you.
- Oh, were you?
- I've been thinking about you constantly.
- Miss Thom... Jill, tell me something.
- I've been thinking of you too.
Ever since you came to our house.
But Harry said you'd no time for girls.
Your brother will be a marvellous doctor
someday,
but he knows very little about the human heart.
- Oh, Oliver!
- Jill!
- I brought you some nougat.
- Nougat?
- Don't you like it?
- I love it.
Oh, isn't that wonderful?
We like the same things.
(Bell rings)
Oh, I hate to go. There's so much I want to say.
- Visit me again, every day. Promise?
- Promise.
- Jill.
- Oliver.
I told ya! She's stuck on ya!
(Knock)
- Come in!
Nurse Nightingale reporting, Staff.
- I've been sent here by Night Sister.
- Oh, yes.
We have to special a patient. Mr Mayhew.
- Have you worked on a surgical ward before?
- No, Staff.
I'm on first-year nights.
I've only been on Women's Medical so far.
Come with me.
Now, listen. This is a gastrectomy patient.
He's lost a lot of blood
and he's having a blood transfusion.
While he's unconscious, all you have to do
is see that the needle doesn't come out.
- Yes, Staff.
- And don't leave him.
If there's anything you want to know,
if you're in any sort of doubt,
just press that button
and Nurse James or I will be along.
I understand. Leave it to me, Staff.
I thought you'd like some tea.
This is a very boring job.
Thanks, nurse.
(Bell)
Staff...
..he's dead.
(Snores softly)
Stand by. It's going to be that sort of a night.
Nurse!
I think I feel sick.
Hold it.
(Bell)
Now, sit up.
Staff, he opened his eyes!
Really?
Yes, opened and closed them. Just like this.
Very interesting. If it happens again, just call me.
- I'd like to see that.
- You would?
(Sighs)
Oh, really!
What can you expect, eating filthy stuff like this?
It wasn't that.
It was that compost heap we had for supper.
- I shall write to my MP.
- You do that.
Do you feel better now?
(Hiccups)
When are we going to get a new sluice, Staff?
That old thing...
Never mind about the sluice.
Go and have a look at Mr Able.
He's on Sinacol. One never knows
how it's going to take some people.
- I thought it only affected old men peculiarly.
- Well, in here, they age fast.
Mr Able!
(Chuckles)
- Are you feeling all right, Mr Able?
- Oh, yes, yes, yes.
I'm going for a swim.
- Oh, no, you settle down. Get back into bed.
- No, you settle down.
- Now where's the sea?
- Argh!
Ho, ho, ho, ho! Take that. That's right.
- (Hiccups)
- Impertinence!
(Impatient buzzing)
- What the devil's going on?
- Nothing!
- Mr Able!
- Get your clothes off, girl.
You can't swim with your clothes on.
Come along now.
Look! Look! Look!
Look there! A mermaid!
(Giggles hysterically)
Ha-ha!
Look out, he's coming back.
Streamers!
- Streamers!
- (Hiccups)
Streamers!
Streamers! Streamers!
(Buzzing)
- What the blue blazes is going on?
- Nothing, Colonel.
Nothing, indeed. I'll jolly well go and find out.
Ow!
Ooh, lovely, girls!
My leg! My flaming leg!
- No! No!
- Allow me, nurse, please.
- Mr Bishop!
- It's all right, I used my left.
What about my perishing leg?
- Are you all right?
- Yes, thank you.
Look, I hope I haven't hurt him.
- Go back to bed, Mr Bishop.
- OK.
Nurse, call the houseman
to look at Mr Able's jaw.
- Colonel, will you go back to bed this minute!
- I haven't had time to lay the odds.
Now, then, Mr Hickson.
What's happened to you?
Nothing, nurse. I always sleep like this.
I'll soon get you that meal.
He's fine. He'd like some steak and chips.
You can have a little sterile water...for breakfast.
Now, lie still and don't let that needle slip.
Understand?
Yes, nurse.
Come out of here now.
- See that man over there without any trousers?
- Oh, yes.
- Well, get some on him and put him to bed.
- Yes, Staff.
(Hiccups)
(Hiccups)
(Hiccups)
Fingers in ears.
- This is ridi...(Hiccups)..culous.
- Drink.
- I've done it, Staff.
- Good.
- (Hiccups)
- Take over here.
- Fingers in ears, please.
- I can't.
- Come on, now.
- I think I'm going to be sick again!
(Hiccups)
- Is Mr Able's jaw broken?
- I hope not.
You said it was going to be that kind of a night.
Excuse me. Oh, he's perfectly all right, Staff.
Just a drop or two.
Oh, good show!
- Argh!
- The daft old sluice!
Oh!
It's different from the one in Women's Medical,
Staff!
Wetter, would you say? Go and change.
I can't, Staff!
I can't see to get to the nurses' home.
My spectacles have gone down the sluice!
Nurse, will you take Nurse Nightingale
to the nurses' home?
Yes, Staff.
Thank you.
- Now, when do I have my injection?
- Just as soon as they tell me to give it to you.
Oh, the waiting. The uncertainty. The starvation.
- Oh, God!
- Oh, don't be such a baby.
- Your op's nothing to worry about.
- My only worry is I won't get it.
Supposing I lose another day.
Oh, Jiminy, what a flaming muddle.
Ah, Mr Bell. Back into bed at once.
You're on this afternoon's list.
Sister! I could kiss you!
Ho-ho!
- Mr Bell!
- Ding-dong, carry on.
I say, fellows! What do you know?
Tonight, they're talking about the Health Service
in At Home And Abroad.
Oh, I say. What jolly fun.
Isn't it, Percival? And guess what?
Last year,
the whole thing cost 585 million pounds!
Get out of it! I don't believe it.
The man just said so.
I tell you, it's impossible!
Ask him again.
I say, would you mind repeating that...
(Laughs) You know, I nearly did!
Nurse! Oh, you haven't injected Mr Bell.
Thank goodness.
He can't be operated on today. We have
eight emergencies coming. Road smash.
Eight? That makes my bunion look a bit silly.
- Oh, you'd better put your pyjamas back on.
- Yes.
Well, no. I say, nurse, can't they squeeze me in?
I've simply got to be done today.
I'm surprised at you.
I didn't think you'd be so selfish.
Selfish? If you knew what depended...
Oh, by Jiminy!
Look, I've got a whole schedule.
The bunion can wait. I can't.
I'm going to discharge myself. Ooh!
But you can't do that!
If anything happens to you...
- What could happen from a bunion?
- You never know.
- An article in the Nursing Mirror...
- I don't want to hear.
Well, don't do anything hasty. You think about it.
I say, nurse...could I have something to eat?
Where do you think you're going, Mr York?
- America?
- I'm applying for a job. What's your problem?
Oh, I er... I want the bath.
Suppose you fall with the drain in you.
No, Mr York. Back to bed, please.
But it's been six days now!
I've been picked up twice by radar.
Please let me have a bath. I'll be careful.
Nurse Dawson!
YORK: America, that's um...
- Yes, Staff?
- See that Mr York doesn't fall over in the bath.
Look, I don't think I...
- Not undressed yet?
- I think I'll just have a good wash.
If Staff says you're to have a bath,
you have a bath.
- Look, I...
- Oh, you baby!
- Shall I help you get undressed?
- No!
Oh, come along, come along.
We haven't all day.
Well?
Right?
(Chuckles) To think I called you a baby!
For the first time in my life,
I can't think of anything to say.
Neither can I.
- Wonderful, isn't it?
- Yes.
- Darling, why can't you be done tonight?
- I told you, darling. The theatres are in use.
- They're not. I just passed them both.
- Ah!
So they finished the emergencies earlier, eh?
Hm... Well, bully for them.
Look, it's only a bunion.
I'm going to discharge myself.
No, I told you, I won't allow that.
Your health comes first.
I'd never forgive myself
if anything happened to you.
Besides, I shouldn't enjoy our little trip
one little bit for the worry.
Now promise me.
Oh, all right, darling.
It's only one day, I suppose. I'm being done
tomorrow. And being starved today.
Oh, Megsy, darling. Give me a bite.
Jack, whatever's come over you?
I'm... I'm just hungry, that's all.
- Why, what's the matter with you?
- Nothing's the matter with me, Jack. I'm all right.
Tell me.
Are you serious about going to America?
Is that really your concern, Mr York?
Yes.
Let me warn you.
Hospitals have a strange effect on most men.
They imagine...
well, they think they're in love with the nurses.
It happens every week to every nurse.
I don't think it's imagination.
You do.
We'll have to find out who's right.
Before you go to America.
Right now, I'm going back inside.
I think you ought to do the same.
- Hello, what have you got there?
- What? Oh.
Hey, help me and the boys kill these.
I'm just in the mood.
(Slurred) It's no good, I've simply got to dance.
# La, la, la, la, la
# La, la, la, la, la, la
# La, la, la...
- Oh, shut up and sit down.
JACK: Do you want Sister to catch us?
Clumsy beast. Might have broken my arm off.
(Slurred) I could have set it for you, Mr Hinton.
It's easy.
All in this book.
Wakefield's Practical Surgery. Fascinating.
That book. What's it say about bunions?
Page 275.
It's as easy as winking.
Do-it-yourself surgery.
Easy as drinking. Winking.
Do mine.
What? Who? Me?
Well, you said you could do it.
I'm a nucl... A nu...
I'm not a doctor.
Look, it's all science. You've got a book.
Surely a man of your brains could knock off
a little elementary thing like a bunion?
Well, supposing I did.
What would you tell the hospital people,
with your bunion gone?
Well, I'd... I'd just say it disappeared
in the middle of the night.
- Pftt! Just like that.
- They'd write you up in the Lancet.
I don't care if they stick me on the cover
of the Police Gazette,
so long as I get my snogging in as planned.
But this loud-mouthed windbag won't help me.
He drinks my bubbly - oh, yes -
but he won't remove my bunion.
How could I? What about an operating theatre?
Both theatres are free.
All right. I'll try.
Oh, dear.
- Hello!
ALL: Hello.
- Hello, Mick, we're just having a little party.
- Well, make the most of it.
- Why? Is something up?
- Only Matron's blood pressure.
After last night's little riot.
Well, tonight she's posting a nurse
to sit in the ward.
All night.
Just to keep an eye on you lot.
- Good night.
- Good night, Mick.
Well, what a pity.
We won't be able to do it now.
Got to stay in the ward.
Wait a minute. Now listen, boys.
Strategy. Now, if there's one thing
I did learn in the ring, it's strategy.
How to turn a disadvantage to your advantage.
- Well, you're not in the ring now, so shut up.
- Oh, please! Do you mind, Oliver?
Now look. Gather round, lads.
You too, doc. Come over here.
Come on, come on, come on.
Now look, here's what we do.
This nurse could be our strategic opportunity.
(Yelps)
- Nurse?
- Er...sir.
Right, wash his feet with ether soap.
That's the green liquid.
(Groans)
Now listen, chaps.
Antiseptic liquid soap, green. There it is.
No, I wasn't serious. It was only the champagne.
- No, really.
- Get on there.
This is the stuff. It's all nicely labelled.
Very efficient in these hospitals, aren't they?
- (Gasps) Oh, it's... it's freezing!
- And so it should be.
Ooh, it's freezing my foot off!
- Wouldn't have to worry about the bunion then!
- Stop larking about, Bernie.
And go and get me some antiseptic.
Antiseptic, right.
It says here you should apply it with a swab
and forceps.
We don't have time for all the trimmings.
- Such as an anaesthetic.
- Now look.
I don't want to go on with this.
I must have been mad.
When everything's going so well?
- Don't be so ungrateful!
- After all the trouble we've taken?
- Antiseptic.
- Ah, right. There we are. That's it.
That should do. Now, what's next?
- Er... 5cc pentathol.
- Hm... Intravenous injection.
I wonder where they keep the intravenous.
- Now wait a minute!
- Do you want this operation or not?
- I don't want any of you practising darts on me.
- But you must have an anaesthetic.
- There's always this.
- Uh-uh!
Gas. I... I don't mind gas.
- Ah. Gas. Mm, that's the Boyle's machine.
- But he's got a bunion.
The Boyle's machine! Over there.
It's full of nitrous oxide or something.
- Wheel that in and get it flowing.
- Right.
Right, now what do we need?
- It's like making a cake, innit?
- Shut up.
Esmarch's bandages. They're made of rubber.
Three inches wide.
We wrap them tightly round his leg,
like a tourniquet.
You two get those.
And put on masks and gowns.
Right. It's exciting, innit?
Won't be long now.
Hello? Frying tonight.
Not you, you idiot! Him!
Look, I don't think I will have gas after all.
Cor blimey.
They've gone and done it,
like they said they would.
Nu...
Mr Hinton!
Humphrey!
Mr Hinton!
Mr Hinton!
Right, now start unwinding from the foot,
but leave a bit of bandage at the top of the leg.
Now I need a scalpel
to cut the surface of the skin.
- (Laughs)
- Two small artery forceps...
Oh, big 'uns. Make it big 'uns.
Nothing but the biggest and the best.
An osteotome.
It looks like a chisel but it has two sharp sides.
Two? Oh, good! (Laughs)
A fine saw. A needle and cat gut.
That's right, sew a button on it. (Laughs)
Better give him some more gas.
We can't have him giggling all through.
- Most distracting.
- I agree.
(Laughs)
- What's the matter with you?
- Nothing.
Let's get the knives.
(Laughs)
(Laughter continues)
(Laughter)
(They laugh raucously)
(Winces)
Mr Hinton! Wake up.
Wake up, please!
Mm-hm. Yeah.
- These'll do.
(Laughter)
(Raucous laughter)
- What's the matter with you lot?
I've got a bunion! (Laughs)
I've got the giggles.
Stop mucking about.
I don't know what's got into you.
Yes, I do!
- You careless cruiserweight, you!
- Lightweight.
I thought so. You let this thing run.
(Starts laughing)
Hold... Hold this over his mouth...
and I'll start cutting.
Say, Oliver,
what happens if anything goes wrong?
We'll have to amputate your leg!
(They laugh raucously)
Humphrey!
This... This is Percival calling you!
I'm sorry, mates.
(Bell rings)
(Laughter continues)
No! No, stop it! You're tickling!
I thought you were asleep.
Here, hold him, for goodness' sake.
(Laughter continues)
(Raucous laughter)
(Bell rings)
Nurse? Asleep on duty, eh?
Argh!
(Muffled shout)
Oh!
Mr Hinton, what is the meaning of this?
- Thank you, Staff.
- What happened?
- They all went to the operating theatre.
- To the...?
Nurse! Please let me explain!
Mr Hinton, please give me back my uniform!
Mr Hinton!
Ooh! Ooh, no!
Elevate the capsule...
and the...periosteum.
Well, where is his peri... peri...
No, he's made all wrong.
Gentlemen...he hasn't got one.
(Chuckles) He must have.
All right, there's the diagram,
you find his pendi...his peri...
pe... you...
Can't find his periscope.
- Swabs.
- Nurse!
Yes, Staff. Beg pardon.
(Laughs) Silly me.
Will somebody give me a bottle?
Well, if it doesn't happen today,
I don't know what I'll do.
All my arrangements are already up the spout.
- It's frustrating, you know.
- Yes. I can imagine.
I hope you don't mind my burdening you
with my troubles like this.
No, not at all.
Besides, looks like they're over.
Ah, Mr Bell! Time for your injection.
At last!
Oh!
That's the best news I've ever... (Sneezes)
- What was that?
- What? What was what?
- You sneezed. You've got a cold.
- Quite so.
- Well, you can't have an operation with a cold.
- Don't be ridiculous. (Sneezes)
I haven't got a cold on my bunion.
Come along inside.
I've never heard anything so... (Sneezes)
..in my... (Sneezes)
- Nurse! Nurse!
- Yes, Sister.
Get Mr Bell into the side ward immediately.
No, Sister. Nurse, no, please, please!
I'm all right.
Please let me have my operation. Please.
Don't infect all the other patients!
Go with nurse at once.
But you don't understand, Sister.
I must have it today. I simply must.
(Sneezes)
It's nothing, nurse. I'm perfectly all right.
(Sneezes)
- Now come along. Hurry up.
- I haven't got a cold.
- I'm perfectly all right. I'm...
- In you go.
Oh, Megsy, Jack's not all right.
(Sneezes)
(Chuckles)
(Buzzer)
(Knock)
- Come in!
Now what?
Oh, dear. Sounds as if you don't love me today.
I don't. You're a naughty old buzzer.
Now come along, Colonel, what is it?
Give that to Mick for me, would you, please?
- More horses?
- More horses, my girl.
All right. Just this once.
But if Sister found out...
Surely she'd forgive a student nurse,
wouldn't she?
- Fat chance.
- Really?
Perhaps she ought to be reminded
of your status, then.
- Is there anything else, Colonel?
- Let me... Oh, yes, dear. I'm awfully sorry.
I dropped my cigars down there.
Would you mind?
Oh!
- Colonel!
- Sorry, dear. I never could resist it.
- Well, goodbye, everybody.
- Goodbye, Ollie!
Goodbye, Mr Reckitt.
Sure you've got everything?
Quite sure. Thank you, nurse.
(Hums)
Staff Nurse!
Oh, Staff Nurse, I forgot to give Mr York
his final certificate. I think you'll just catch him.
Surely it could be posted, Sister.
You run after him.
Yes, Sister.
Mr York.
If I have a date tonight, the name's Ted.
Ted.
Hurry up, nurse.
- There are other things for you to do, you know.
- Yes, Sister.
Nurse Dawson! (Tuts)
Goodbye, Bernie.
Jeremy!
- Hello, darling!
- Hello, love.
- Hello, son!
- Hello.
- Do you remember me?
- Mm.
- Do you? Got a present for me?
- Mm.
Come on, then. Give it to me.
Oh! Ooh, what a punch!
Come on, give me a kiss. That's lovely.
- Hello, darling.
- Hello, love.
Come on, now.
Who taught him that, then? You?
Right. Now.
Come in!
- Hello, hello, hello!
- Hello, Colonel.
To what do I owe the honour of this visit?
- You're going back into the ward tomorrow.
- That's right.
We have to carry out just one final test.
- It'll only take a few minutes.
- That's all right.
- Hey, what goes on?
- We're getting our own back on the old boy.
Oh, he's a sport.
By the time we're through with him,
he'll need to be.
SISTER: How fortunate I met you, Matron.
- Matron!
I have a lot to do.
I must get through my rounds early.
- I'm afraid everything won't be quite ready.
- All right.
I do hope our troublesome colonel
won't delay me too long today.
(Knock)
COLONEL: Come in!
Good...
Colonel! Whatever's going on?
Come, come, Matron. Surely you've seen
a temperature taken like this before?
Oh! (Chuckles) Yes, Colonel. Many times.
But never...with a daffodil.
in front of Dasher and Boy Blue.
But the favourite, Red Dice,
is now lengths behind. He's right out of it.
Inside the last furlong, and Dasher's taken it up!
Moving through very smoothly.
Silver Maid hanging on to second place.
And at the post, it's Dasher from Silver Maid...
Well, did it win?
That nag should be going into hospital, not you!
Bad luck. I wonder who won the baby stakes.
Oh!
Supposing I'd been on it! (Tuts)
Ah! Where do I go?
- Hey! I can walk, you know.
- Nobody walks in 'ere.
- Any chance of walking out?
- We've got to do the job proper.
- Over here, Mr York.
- Right, nurse.
- Thanks for the ride, boys.
- Give us a write-up in the papers.
- Will you get into bed, please?
- I um...didn't have time to get my pyjamas.
Oh, that's all right. You won't need any just now.
Thanks.
- What's he got, then, Mick?
- Appendicitis.
Ten days' job.
Cor blimey! Only ten days.
When I think how easily that could have
been avoided, I could kick myself, I tell you.
Did you hear what I said then?
I said I could kick myself!
Kick myself, with that on, I said!
I think that's very funny, Mick! Don't you, Mick?
(Laughs raucously)
- Hello, Mick.
- Hello, Mr Able.
- There you are.
- What's that? A shroud?
No, an operating gown.
(Buzzer)
(Impatient buzzing)
Your turn.
Yes, Colonel?
I want to see that ward orderly chap - Mick.
You can't.
It's our job to answer the buzzer, not his.
You've only been here half a day and you've
called us a dozen times for no good reason.
Now, do try and remember
the buzzer's only for emergencies.
- This is an emergency.
- What kind of an emergency?
Every time Mick comes in here, he stays
too long. I don't know what you find to talk about.
I dare say you don't. There's some things we
men talk about it's better for women not to know.
- I can imagine that.
- I doubt it, young lady. I doubt it.
Well, what do you want him for?
What can he do for you that I can't? Tell me that.
Ho-ho-ho! Don't tempt me, girl.
Just tell Mick I want him, would you, please?
All right. Just this once.
(Knocking)
Ah, Mick, my boy. That's right, shut the door.
- Now then, dictation. Got your notebook?
- Yes, sir.
Good. Here we are, then.
Bob each way, the Black Prince.
That's the 3:30 at Chepstow.
Black Prince, 3:30 at Chepstow.
Half a dollar to win, Rambler.
R-A-M-B-L-E-R.
Now that's the 4:15 at Redcar.
4:15, Redcar.
- That's all, I think.
- Right, Colonel.
Well, you just settle down, Colonel.
I'll wait for the results.
- Oh, get me 20 Player's, would you, please?
- Yes, sir.
- Don't bother about that.
- (Clears throat)
- Good afternoon. Name?
- Oh. Good afternoon. York. Edward York.
- Address?
- 24 Passiondale Avenue.
- Age?
- 35.
- Occupation?
- News...paper reporter.
- Relax.
- I was covering the baby show.
- Next of kin?
- No.
Religion?
Which lot has the best record of recovery?
I'm very busy. Come along, now. C of E?
- False teeth?
- No.
- Glass eye?
- No!
And before you go any further,
the rest of me is my own!
Sign, please. Consent for general anaesthetic.
- Ooh!
- Relax.
- Hello. I'm Mick.
- Hi, Mick.
- What's her trouble?
- Oh, night starvation.
- Going to shave you.
- Shave?
My appendix isn't on my face!
I'm not going to shave your face!
(Impatient buzzing)
- Yes, Colonel?
- I'm all crumby!
If you will stuff yourself
with those crumbly biscuits...
Well, I have to have some pleasure, damn it.
Hop out and I'll take the crumbs away.
- Where's that fella Mick got to?
- He's doing something for Sister.
Can I help?
Not unless you know what won
the 4:15 at Redcar, you can't.
- Oh, you and your racing. All right, get in.
- Thank you.
Oh, I wish you wouldn't eat those biscuits!
I eat biscuits, my girl, to calm my nerves.
Rambler won it. 3-1.
- Comfy now?
- Yes.
Rambler, do you say?
Hoo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha! Good old Rambler!
(Chuckles) Oh, we'll have a new one now.
- Ooph!
- I warned you.
Thank you.
- Sister...
- I'm not a sister, I'm a staff nurse.
Oh? How do I tell the difference?
Student nurses wear big hats.
We call them butterflies.
- You call them what?
- Butterflies.
-Ah, I like that.
- They don't.
And staff nurses wear these. Got it?
Yes. I think you're wonderful.
Relax, Mr York.
Oh!
Nurse Dawson!
Is it your intention to wreck my ward?
- Wh-who are you?
- I'm a nurse.
You're in hospital, but you're all right.
(Sighs)
- Let's have a beer.
- You can't have a beer, Mr York.
She'll give me a beer. I'll go...
Cor!
- Somebody stabbed me!
- Lie still, you've got a drain in you.
Now that you've made my bed...you can lie on it!
- Mmm!
- Why, Mr York!
Mr York!
Oh, I'm sorry, Staff.
I was just trying to get Mr York to settle down.
- For life?
- Lovely!
(Laughs deliriously)
When you're on night duty, nurse,
always carry a couple of sleeping pills with you.
There isn't always time to go and fetch them.
Yes, Staff. Thank you.
Buck up, there's another patient coming in.
Cor, what a place.
Bath, sluice room, sterili... Jane!
Look, my hand's all right. I keep
telling everybody. I don't have to come here.
(Impatient buzzing)
- All you need is just to rub it.
I don't like this place at all.
There's lights, and bells, and buzzers...
Come on, babe.
Excuse me, miss.
I think there's been a bit of a mistake.
- I don't have to stay here, you see.
- Through there, please.
I'm not going in. It's full of sick people.
I'll catch something.
You've already got something. Go in!
Ah. Mr Bishop? Come in, will you, please?
Now, will you please get into bed?
Look er...miss, I'm quite all right, you see.
I've sprained my wrist in a fight before.
All I need is a bit of the old massage.
- Your X-ray shows a dislocation and fracture.
- Well, the X-ray's wrong.
- It's just a sprain.
- Shall I give you a hand?
No, that won't be necessary, thanks.
- Bernie, you do as you're told.
- Yeah, but the point is, all...
(Sighs) I don't know.
All right, darling.
Kiss the baby for me.
Now, Mr Bishop, will you sit down, please?
Hey! Mr Hickson!
- Mr Hickson!
- Hm?
What? What?
Bernie Bishop's just come in. The boxer.
He's hurt his hand.
- What do you expect me to do? Stand...
- Ssh!
Stand up and cheer?
Do me a favour, will you? Go to sleep.
Sorry. I thought you were a fan.
Let's all get a bit of peace.
This is a madhouse.
I'll be glad when I get home.
Bernie Bishop, he says. Bernie... (Snorts)
Cor! What a punch, though.
He landed in Row F.
Well, don't worry. They'll soon fix that hand
so that you don't roll on it when you're asleep.
- Stand up, please.
- OK.
- There.
- Right.
- Now...
- Eh? What? What, what?
- Well, you can't sleep in those.
- That's quite all right.
- I can er...take 'em off.
- With one hand?
Yeah, I can manage. Thank you.
You two ladies, turn your backs, please.
Good. Wait a... Hey, what's going on?
You can't do...!
What a sauce! Nurse! Please!
Cor!
What a fuss about such a little thing.
(Impatient buzzing)
Come in.
- Good morning, Colonel.
- It's not. No racing.
What are we going to do
to amuse ourselves today, eh?
I really don't know, sir.
Not unless you're interested
in a little private wager, sir.
- What are you talking about?
- With me, that is.
You see, it's Matron's round today.
Well now, she usually averages about
14 minutes 10 to about 16 minutes 30 seconds
from the top of the stairs
to the last bed in the ward.
- Half a crown on the nearest time to a second?
- That's it.
- Are you on?
- I'm on, sir.
- Got a stopwatch?
- I'll get one.
- Just a moment. Don't... I want that!
- I'm sorry, it's Matron's round.
- What's going on?
- Matron's round.
I don't care if she's triangular.
Mick!
Mick! Mick!
The veranda! Sweep the veranda first!
Do you mind!
Oh, please! Let's get on!
- I say! You don't know what you've missed.
- Don't I?
The most marvellous recipe.
Don't you worry, I shall be at it
the moment I get out. It's made in a flash.
Camper's Jamboree Folly.
I have it here!
You take a couple of red raisins, two whites of
eggs, one grated earphone... Earphones? Oh!
You wicked, bad girl!
I shall miss the next programme.
Feudal! That's what this place is! Feudal!
I could choke!
I'm studying nuclear physics,
the thing of the future.
I've got an examination to pass,
and I'm delayed because a survival
from the surgical Stone Age called a matron
is going to walk through here!
I could spit! I could scream!
My name's Oliver Reckitt.
You've made a mess of your hand.
Industrial injury?
Er... Pardon?
Hurt it at your work?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a boxer.
How savage.
It's no more savage
than what you're doing, mate.
Pressing buttons, making explosions and giving
everybody horrible weather in the summer.
Come along! Come along! Come along, please!
- Yes?
- Ah, good morning.
My name's Perkins, Ted York's editor.
I've just brought some things along
from his digs. Can I see him?
Newspaper man, you know. Very busy at nights.
I doubt if he'll get anybody.
Go along in here now, out of the way.
Ted'll never get a single visitor, you know,
unless I can...
- Oh, good morning, Matron.
- Good morning, Sister.
Come along, come along. We must be quick.
I'm due at a meeting. Now...
- Good morning, Mr York.
- Good morning.
- Everything all right, I hope?
- Yes, thank you, Matron.
- Nurse?
- Ssh!
- Good morning, Mr Hinton!
- (Laughs raucously)
- (Continues laughing)
- Mr Hinton, please!
(Continues laughing)
Argh!
Beg pardon.
You're all right.
(Laughs raucously)
(Laughing continues)
- Feeling all right today?
- As well as can be expected.
If that's all there is to it,
why all the fear and trembling?
You'll see. That wasn't typical.
Stick around a few days.
I haven't got much choice, have I?
- Carry on, Sister.
- Thank you, Matron.
- Can I come out now?
- Yes, Mr Perkins. But be quick, please.
- Thank you very much.
- Come along, everybody! Back to work!
Crikey, Colonel!
She broke an all-time record today!
12 minutes, 20 seconds.
Now, I said er...14.2 You said 14.50.
You owe me half a crown, guv.
All right. There's the money there. Help yourself.
- I'll toss you, double or quits.
- Well, I must fly, sir.
- I'm all of a rush this morning.
- Blast the matron.
Listen...
Hospital life from the patient's point of view.
Byline, Ted York - dateline on the spot.
A series. It's sure-fire.
Look, everybody's interested in hospitals.
Look, we can't miss.
I'll run special supplements, special advertising.
I'll give you a bonus.
- It's as good as written.
- That's my boy.
All you've got to do is to sit here
and watch and listen and write.
YORK: Now, don't forget the bonus.
- I won't.
I'm sorry, you must go now, Mr Perkins.
Mr Stephens is making his round
a little earlier today.
Certainly.
Don't forget, Ted. Keep it clean. Bye-bye.
Bye, nurse.
What's all this about an anaesthetic? I just
thought I needed a drop of the old massage.
Well, we have to manipulate your wrist,
set your hand in plaster of Paris.
- The pain would be too great.
- Oh, now, come on, doc, please.
I can bear any amount of pain.
You just do what you have to right now.
I've read about your left hook, Mr Bishop.
I've no desire to feel it.
You'd be well advised to sign.
You'll be here a week.
After that, with a little luck,
you'll fight again in about three months' time.
I'm sorry, there's no quicker way.
Being in a public ward
is quite an experience for me,
and a surprisingly pleasant one, I must admit.
- Mind you, of course, coddling can go too far.
- Definitely.
Private enterprise - that's the ticket.
I mean, you take my house, for instance,
on the er...the west side of the common.
I saw it on a Monday,
brought off a deal in the City on Tuesday,
bought it on the Wednesday - cash on the nail.
Private enterprise. There is nothing like it.
Definitely. That's how I got my house.
You... You've got your own place?
Yes. The manor. West side of the common.
What, that lovely stately...?
But... But... You own that?
Rent it. 23 bob a...
No, no, no, I'm a liar.
22s 9d a week, from the council.
But... But... But how?
Well, they had to give us somewhere.
I've got 11 kids.
Private enterprise. Definitely.
- May I borrow your chair?
- (Mumbles) Yes.
(Mouths)
- All right?
- I was.
(Dramatic piano run)
- I want to talk to you.
- I want to talk to you.
Oh? What about?
Yes or no today?
Well, as a matter of fact...no.
(Piano music continues)
- (Winces)
- Drink it.
Urgh!
(Piano music resumes)
(Chattering)
- Good evening, Mr York.
- Hello!
- Would you like a hospital visitor?
- A what?
A hospital visitor. Someone who volunteers
to chat with patients who have no visitors.
No, thank you.
- You visit me.
- You see enough of me all day.
Hm?
Cor!
A lady referee.
Back in the land of the living, Mr Bishop?
I got the compensation form from the union,
dear.
Well, it's about time. Let's fill it in.
Take my glove off first.
How do you expect to fill that thing in properly
like that?
Why don't you find something to lean on?
I'll take this book.
Take this book.
Full name.
Well, don't tell me you don't know that by now.
No, it's all right, dear. I was only thinking aloud.
Oh. Block letters.
- Now, date of accident.
- 27th.
- No, dear, it couldn't have been.
- Look, I ought to know.
No, dear, it couldn't have been.
Because the 27th I went to see Grandma.
You came to fetch me at the station.
You couldn't have done that
with a broken leg, dear, could you?
- What difference does it make?
- Well, it must have been the next day, then.
Oh, right. So it was the next day.
- What difference does it make?
- Oh, Perc, do try and be reasonable.
Ha! Reasonable.
Well, I mean,
you've got to be accurate on these things,
otherwise, well,
anybody could write in and claim.
Marge, look, just you write it down, girl, eh?
Just get it down, that's all.
Now... Do you expect this incapacity
to last more than a week?
No, I'm er... I'm going to a dance tonight.
Oh, Perc, do help!
Well, it gives me the sick,
all these daft questions!
Well, they've got to know these things, dear.
Look! I fell off a scaffolding!
I broke my perishing leg!
Now what more do they want to know?
My father's chest measurements?
Oh, cor blimey. Now... Now...
Now, don't you start.
I can't help it.
It's too much.
You stuck in here, your leg stuck up there,
and I'm all alone.
I know. With three kids.
Oh, Perc, don't!
Marge. Marge, I'm sorry.
Now, don't go on like that, girl.
I get fed up, you see, stuck in here like this.
Oh, I know, I know.
It's not very easy for me,
and now you won't even help to fill the form out.
It's too much, Percy. It's too much for me!
Well... Well, look, I'm sorry, girl.
I'm... I'm sorry. Percy'll kiss it better, eh?
Um... Marge, I...
You'll have to come closer, girl.
You see, I... I can't move, you know.
Hm? Oh, untie my hand, nurse,
will you, please?
Not yet. You might fall asleep again.
Oh, take all these screens away, nurse.
I can't bear being shut in. Please.
All right.
Oh, my little boy.
Cor, you should see his right
when he punches our cat.
Ooh!
Hello. I'm Jill Thompson.
Harry Thompson's sister.
Oh, yes, of course.
Do sit down, please.
Harry's sorry he couldn't get here.
Well, he sent some books.
Oh, thank you.
Hm...
Problems Of Radiation.
Nuclear Physics Advanced Theory.
Oh, splendid.
What's this?
Wakefield's Practical Surgery?
- Oh, Harry must have put that in by mistake.
- Never mind.
Yes. It looks absorbing enough.
Yes, indeed.
You look pale, though.
There's no getting away from it.
Ah, it's probably cos I can't sleep.
- Being away from you, I expect.
- Ssh!
No, honest.
Well, you must sleep.
Ask the doctor for something.
- Don't be silly. He can't give me what I need.
- Bert!
Well!
I'm awfully sorry.
I do appreciate your bringing them.
Harry told me you live for your work.
Where have we met before?
- I have a curious feeling we've met.
- At home, once.
Oh, yes.
- How are you getting on?
- All right, thank you.
That's good.
- Is there anything else I can bring you?
- Oh, no. No, thanks.
Visiting time's nearly over. I think I'll go.
- Must you?
- Perhaps I'll look in again sometime.
You might want something.
Oh, do. It's most kind.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
Cor!
You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Oliver.
Cor! What a way to treat your nice girlfriend.
She is not my girlfriend.
Ooh! (Chuckles)
She'd like to be, mate.
Yeah, you can take it from me. She'd like to be.
(Telephone rings)
Oh, Nurse Dawson. Visiting time's over.
Ring the bell, will you?
- Yes, Sister.
(Impatient buzzing)
All right, I'm coming!
(Alarm rings)
(Sirens)
Seconds out!
- Nurse Dawson.
- Yes, Sister?
- I thought I told you to ring the bell.
- I did, Sister.
- Then why are the visitors still here?
- Well, I don't know, I...
(Approaching sirens)
Oh, crikey.
(Coughing)
What's the matter, Mr York? Can't you sleep?
Wind?
Nurse.
- Staff?
- Yes?
- Sorry about last night. I was a bad boy.
- Oh, I've seen worse.
- Do you like night work?
- Yes.
- Nice and peaceful, eh?
- Sometimes.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Oh, thanks, nurse.
(Belches)
Oh, my gut!
Hello, you're early.
Sister told me to sterilise these catheters
last night. It went out of my head.
- I've just got time.
- You haven't. The steriliser's full.
- Oh, crikey!
(Buzzer)
Don't panic. I'll put them in a kidney dish on
the gas stove for you, if you'll see what he wants.
OK, thanks.
-What is it, Colonel?
- Hello, you're early.
Well, anyone would think
I was always four hours late.
- What can I do for you?
- Dashed if I can remember.
Coming in early,
you've put it right out of my head.
Suppose you buzz again when you remember.
If it's important.
What do you mean, "if"? Of course it's imp...
Oh, I remember!
It's my pulse, it's racing. Like I ought to be today.
- It's your imagination, Colonel.
- Positively pounding, I tell you.
You're feeling the wrong place. Give it me.
- What did I tell you?
- Ssh!
- Quite normal.
- Impossible!
Patients aren't allowed to contradict.
Hello! You're early.
The next person says that to me,
I'll spit right in their eye!
- Good morning, Nurse Dawson. You're early.
- Yes, Sister. Morning, Sister.
(Impatient buzzing)
- Is it a matter of life and death, Colonel?
- No, but...
Well, then, please wait!
- Morning, Matron.
- Morning, Doctor.
- Good morning, Matron.
- Good morning, Sister.
- Those screens are untidy, Sister.
- I'll see to them at once.
- Good morning, Mr Reckitt.
- Good morning, Matron.
Your temperature's behaving very oddly, I see.
Perhaps it'll settle down when I get up.
- Tomorrow, Mr Stephens said.
- Good.
Don't study too hard.
I don't know any other way to absorb knowledge,
Matron.
- Good morning, Mr Bishop.
- Good morning, Matron.
- Mr Bishop is a boxer, Matron.
- How interesting.
- And how did this unfortunate accident occur?
- Oh, it was in a fight.
The fourth round of an eliminating contest.
I'm a contender, you see.
Well, the bell goes, so I comes out my corner
like the clappers.
- The clappers?
- That is a boxing term, I believe, Matron.
How very interesting.
Yeah. Well, I gave him a couple of lefts...
like that, you know. Right in the gut.
I could have shook hands with his spine.
His guard dropped,
so I clocked him, dead on the button.
That was the end of the bout.
Broke my hand.
Well, Mr Bishop,
I hope you recover like...the clappers.
Well, thanks very much, missus. Er...Matron.
Very nice.
(Sniffs)
(Sniffs)
Phwoo!
(Sniffs)
(Sniffs)
- Cor! What a stink!
- The cook appears to be improving.
- Sister, investigate that odour.
- Yes, certainly, Matron.
Ow! Ow!
(Coughs)
You idiot!
Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry, Sister.
You really are a complete fool, aren't you?
And during Matron's round, too.
Go into my office and wait for me!
Oh!
Everything's quite all right now, Matron.
Nurse Dawson, how dare you burst in like that!
Oh, just a minute!
- Ruddy thing!
- It's Matron's round!
Well, mine's a pint! (Laughs)
- (Clears throat)
- Nurse, what is it? I told you to wait in my office.
I did, Sister. There was a phone call.
Emergency admission.
Very well. Carry on, nurse.
We shall just have room.
Mr Jackson's going home today.
I wonder whether perhaps...
I'm quite capable of continuing my round alone,
Sister.
Oh, thank you very much, Matron.
(Clattering)
Nurse Dawson!
Are you training for nursing or demolition?
(Impatient buzzing)
- I'm sorry, Sister.
- Yes, Colonel?
- I heard a crash. What's going on?
- Oh, nothing.
- Staff Nurse!
Staff Nurse!
Oh, I can never find you when I want you.
- What did you want, Sister?
- An emergency admission.
- Yes, Sister? What sort of case?
- What?
- Stupid Nurse Dawson didn't get the details.
- Shall I telephone, Sister?
I'm quite capable of making a telephone call
for myself, thank you, Staff Nurse.
Please get Mr Jackson's bed ready
for the admission.
Yes, Sister.
Been starving yourself, Mr Gray?
Couldn't eat. Such pain...last night.
Good. That means we don't have to starve you
and I can operate that much sooner.
Nurse. I'll operate tonight.
Yes, Mr Stephens.
- What's all this in aid of, nurse?
- Massage. To prevent bed sores.
Oh, yeah?
Getting to the bottom of the trouble, eh?
That's right.
Ooh!
Ah. Lovely.
(Giggles)
Whoa!
- Anything wrong?
- Oh, no, no, no. Very nice, thank you.
Whoo!
Phew!
(Chattering)
Janey... Supposing I couldn't ever fight again?
Just suppose.
Deep down, would you really be pleased?
Well, I... I don't like you fighting.
Sometimes I can hardly bear to look.
But you're happy when you're pushing
someone's face into the middle of next week.
And I like to see you happy.
So you get that hand better
and come out fighting.
I'm glad I married you, Jane.
I've got a surprise for you.
- Pickled red cabbage?
- It's not red, it's ginger.
- My manager!
- I'll send him along.
What a pity I'm not allowed to bring the children.
- Yes, it's allowed in the private wards.
- Oh, well, we couldn't afford that.
- Hush.
- What?
Oh, nothing.
Rhoda, dear, do try to say pardon, not what.
Sorry, Henry. Do you like this?
What? I mean, pardon?
- Oh, yes. Oh, very nice. Yes.
- For when you come home.
I bought it with our divvy from the Co-op.
Rhoda, please!
- What's the matter, dear?
- Oh, never mind.
Any other news?
Ooh!
We've had a letter from the building society.
Rhoda!
- Ginge!
- Bernie!
Norm as well! (Chuckles)
Come on in.
Well, how are you, Bernie boy?
You look great. Just great, son. Great.
Well, give him the flowers, then.
You'll choke 'em gripping 'em like that.
Ta. Ta, Norm, my old sparring partner.
- How are you, mate?
- Yeah, fine.
Yeah, he's fine.
No-one will ever know how I suffered when
you busted your hand like that, Bernie boy.
'Ey, Ginger, why haven't you come in here
to see me before now?
Well, as it happens,
I have got a reason for coming to see you.
That is, a reason over and above my natural,
warm and human concern
as a manager for one of my boys.
I am a showman.
But I have an unpleasant duty to perform.
I have come here to give you a thick ear.
I won, didn't I? This was an accident, you know,
but I beat him.
- Too true, you won. Too flippin' fast, you won.
- But I had him beat.
What do you expect me to do?
Dance the cha-cha for five rounds?
You're being flippant,
but I'm glad to see you've got the right idea.
- I don't understand.
- You don't understand.
I'm a showman. That's what you've got to be.
You've reached the stage now
where you're right in the public eye.
What you need is a gimmick.
- Gimmick?
- Gimmick.
Belt up! Yeah, a gimmick.
Something the public associates with you alone.
You remember Frisco Freddie.
You remember Frisco.
- Frisco, yeah.
- Yeah, that's right.
He was a boxer who used to ride punches
all the time.
Exactly. He used to ride 'em. Ride 'em.
The crowd loved it.
Yeah, well, look, I could do that.
'Ere, Norm.
You used to train with Frisco, didn't you?
- You used to train with Frisco, didn't you?
- That's right.
Well, come on, then! Let's show Bern
how you used to spar with Frisco.
'Ere. I tell you, it was marv...
He was just like a ballet dancer.
And he used to punch...
Hold that. Right, easy now.
Punch, ride. Punch, ride.
Punch, ride. Punch, ride.
He used to ride the lot, he did.
Until he was ready, and then...bosh!
Knocked 'em cold, it did!
- Nurse!
- Nurse.
Just a minute, Mr York.
- Hello. What's that?
- For your bowels. Sit down, please.
- Have you um...given one of these before?
- Oh, good gracious! Hundreds.
Get it down, now.
Other end, nurse.
Never mind. With a face like mine,
it's a mistake anyone might make.
Persecution! That's what it is, persecution!
- I shall write to the Minister for Health.
- Never mind, you'll live through it.
It's a miracle you do!
You all ought to strike!
One day, that's all it would take.
One day, and the nursing profession
would advance a hundred years.
Why don't you organise a march
to Downing Street?
And Sister Anna will carry the banner.
Oh! The whole fat-headed farce
makes me puke!
There. That's you settled.
Settled? Huh!
I feel about as settled as an active volcano.
(Quirky orchestral music)
(Trombone music)
(Drum roll)
(Triangle pings)
Please don't lie on top of the bed clothes.
Matron's rule.
- Oh, sorry.
- In bed or out, but never on.
- Do please try and remember.
- OK, OK.
- Everything all right, Mr Bishop?
- Fine thanks, Matron.
- My hand's getting better. Sort of knitting.
- Excellent. Keep up the good work.
Everything all right, Mr Reckitt?
Medically, yes, Matron. Otherwise, no.
This is my first day out of bed.
I have to move about, I am told,
yet rest when tired.
As I have stitches in my stomach,
all movement is painful.
Oh, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about that,
Mr Reckitt.
I realise that, Matron.
I wonder, though,
if you could satisfy my curiosity on one point.
I will try. What is the point, Mr Reckitt?
Why must I endure the extra pain
of getting into and out of bed
when I can rest just as effectively
lying on top of the bedclothes?
I don't like to see men lying about.
It makes the ward look untidy.
I see. It isn't a medical rule.
I don't see what that has to do with it.
I'll explain, Matron.
If a doctor asks me to hang by one arm
from the ceiling,
wearing an aqualung, with my birthday tattooed
on my left buttock in shorthand, I'll do it.
He aims to cure me.
Your rule has nothing to do with my cure.
Therefore, it has no meaning in here.
- Mr Reckitt...
- Excuse me.
I wish to rest.
Sorry, Matron. I thought your round was over.
I'm so sorry...
Sister, this ward is the slackest in the hospital.
And the untidiest.
- Oh, but Matron...
- See that all the beds are remade at once.
- All the beds?
- I think you heard what I said, Sister.
Good morning.
Staff Nurse, this ward's a disgrace!
You have no control over the nurses.
- But, Sister!
- It's time we had a little discipline!
- Remake all the beds.
- The beds?
Beds, beds, beds! Are you deaf? B-E-D-S!
Go and do it at once! Now!
- Yes, Sister.
(Door slams)
Nurse Axwell! Nurse Axwell!
- Yes, Staff?
- Come here.
- Get new bedclothes for the whole ward.
- Today?
Not tomorrow, not Christmas, but today.
T-O-D-A-Y! Today!
Nurse Dawson!
- Nurse Dawson!
- Yes?
- Yes what?
- Yes, nurse.
- Get you!
- Oh, you're so rude, you student nurses!
- Come and help me get fresh linen.
- But this isn't the day for...
One more word out of you and I'll report you!
Now come along!
Yes, nurse.
- Ooh!
- Oh, you clumsy great oaf!
- Well, look who's talking!
- Oh!
- Ah, good morning.
- Good morning.
- Got any fruit bars?
- No. I've got a sliced nut.
Come to the right place to have it mended!
(Laughs)
Oh, dear.
- Sit down, Mr York.
- Ah, hello.
I wanted to a...
- How am I doing?
- Both up slightly.
Any idea why?
- You know, nursing training is right out of date.
- What do you mean?
Well, they should have taught you that there isn't
always a medical reason for a fast pulse.
- Hello, chaps!
- Mr Bell?
Ding-dong, you're not wrong.
This way, please.
Hello. Hello.
Get into bed, Mr Bell.
I say, nurse. I'm going to be in and out of here
inside a few days.
- Surely I don't have to go to bye-byes.
- In!
Oh, what a bore.
Oh, well, you're the governor.
BELL: What's the matter with him?
NURSE: Mrs Dale's Diary.
(Impatient buzzing)
- Tails.
You lose.
Every five minutes. He's becoming impossible!
Well?
There's a big, annoying lump in my bed.
There is. I mean, there is?
- Where's that fellow Mick?
- He's not allowed in here, and you know it.
If Sister catches him putting on bets for you,
we'll all be sacked.
Get a telephone installed in here
and I can do it myself.
What do you think this is, an hotel?
- Hey um...Oliver?
- Mm?
I've been meaning to ask you.
Was it the anaesthetic, or did I really see
a real nice girl come to visit you the other night?
- Hm?
- A girl.
- Did I see a girl come to see you?
- Yes.
Very nice too, eh?
(Chuckles) You're a lucky fella.
- What?
- I said you're a lucky bloke.
What on earth are you talking about?
(Laughs) Oh, never mind.
Urgh!
It's very kind of you to show me the way,
Mr Stephens.
Oh, I like to make newcomers feel
thoroughly at home.
Thank you again.
We must have a drink together tonight.
To celebrate your first case.
- Must we?
- But of course.
We've a lot to talk about.
- Such as?
- Why, surgery, of course.
You're too kind. And optimistic.
- I might botch the case.
- Oh, you won't.
Good luck.
- (Wolf-whistles)
- Good afternoon, Dr Winn.
Good afternoon, Staff Nurse.
Mr Bell's arrived, I believe?
This way, Doctor.
- Good afternoon, Mr Bell.
- Good afternoon.
- Hallux valgus. Straight out of the book, nurse.
- Yes, Doctor.
I'll operate tomorrow morning.
- Nothing to eat for you today, Mr Bell.
- Of course not, darling. Er...doctor.
Thank you, nurse.
- Wow!
- Ravishing.
She can take out my drain any time.
Phwoar! She's all the compensation I'd want.
(Chuckles)
Cor! How about a couple of rounds with her, eh?
Winner take all.
The sex-mad fools!
Anyone for water?
Hey, Mick!
Where have you been hiding Dr Winn?
Yeah, why wasn't we done by her, then?
Oh, she's new and junior.
Only handling simple cases for a while.
What have you got, Mr Bell?
- A hallux valgus.
- Oh, a bunion.
Cor blimey!
Do you mean he gets her for a bunion?
(Knocks) Yes, Colonel?
Sorry to be a nuisance, my dear,
but my bandage has slipped.
That's all right.
Well, I ought to know.
It's flapping about like a flag at half-mast.
- Any idea what won the 2:30?
- None at all.
What? I thought you were interested in racing.
All I'm interested in is getting you settled
so I can get on with something more important.
- Oh, dear. Aren't I important?
- As a patient, yes.
As a congenital gambler, no.
My dear girl, your values are all wrong.
It ought to be the other way round.
- What, the bandage?
- No, no. You know what I mean.
- Where's Mick?
- He's busy.
- He won't be too busy to come and see me.
- If he's any sense, he will.
- There. Is that better?
- Yes. Thank you very much indeed.
Oh, nurse, don't forget about Mick, will you?
(Chuckles) I love 'em.
There you are, poppet.
To celebrate tomorrow, when it's all over.
Oh, Megsy, you're a darling.
- Anything else I can bring you?
- Only yourself, sweetie.
Every single day.
- How's my car?
- Oh, not to worry, darling.
I took it in for servicing and it'll be all ready
in time for our little trip.
I booked secluded little hotels
all along our route.
- Separate rooms, of course.
- Oh, just think of it.
A whole week together in er...separate rooms.
Oh, wacko.
Starting one week from now.
You're sure your silly old bunion
will be settled by then?
Megsy, darling,
everything will be settled by then.
Oh, Jack.
- Hey, Janey, I wonder if he'll forget me.
- Of course not.
Oh, I don't know. Kids do, you know.
- I heard of a case once.
- Not in these few days, silly.
- Is there anything you want?
- Yeah. Pickled red cabbage.
- I don't know if you'd be allowed.
- Of course I would.
My hand's got nothing to do with my belly,
has it?
- Well, I'll ask the sister anyway.
- Oh, don't go now.
I have to, darling.
I've left the baby with Mrs Williams.
Oh, yeah. Oh, well.
Give him a kiss from me, will you?
See you tomorrow.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Expecting her, Oliver?
- Of course not.
I've got far more important things to worry about
than entanglements.
It's so sensible having afternoon visiting
on half-day closing.
Mind you,
I expect I could get away from work anyway.
Rhoda, my dear, keep your voice down, dear.
No need to let everyone know you go to work.
Oh, really, Henry. If I didn't know you better,
sometimes I'd think you were a snob!
I really would! (Chuckles)
You're sure you asked for something
to make you sleep?
Yes, love. Gonna have it tonight.
- Senacol, or Sinacol, or something.
- Oh, that's a relief.
I'd rather have a pint of old and mild.
I told 'em too, but they don't know anything.
- Oh, Bert.
- Well, they don't!
Miss Thompson. I was just thinking about you.
- Oh, were you?
- I've been thinking about you constantly.
- Miss Thom... Jill, tell me something.
- I've been thinking of you too.
Ever since you came to our house.
But Harry said you'd no time for girls.
Your brother will be a marvellous doctor
someday,
but he knows very little about the human heart.
- Oh, Oliver!
- Jill!
- I brought you some nougat.
- Nougat?
- Don't you like it?
- I love it.
Oh, isn't that wonderful?
We like the same things.
(Bell rings)
Oh, I hate to go. There's so much I want to say.
- Visit me again, every day. Promise?
- Promise.
- Jill.
- Oliver.
I told ya! She's stuck on ya!
(Knock)
- Come in!
Nurse Nightingale reporting, Staff.
- I've been sent here by Night Sister.
- Oh, yes.
We have to special a patient. Mr Mayhew.
- Have you worked on a surgical ward before?
- No, Staff.
I'm on first-year nights.
I've only been on Women's Medical so far.
Come with me.
Now, listen. This is a gastrectomy patient.
He's lost a lot of blood
and he's having a blood transfusion.
While he's unconscious, all you have to do
is see that the needle doesn't come out.
- Yes, Staff.
- And don't leave him.
If there's anything you want to know,
if you're in any sort of doubt,
just press that button
and Nurse James or I will be along.
I understand. Leave it to me, Staff.
I thought you'd like some tea.
This is a very boring job.
Thanks, nurse.
(Bell)
Staff...
..he's dead.
(Snores softly)
Stand by. It's going to be that sort of a night.
Nurse!
I think I feel sick.
Hold it.
(Bell)
Now, sit up.
Staff, he opened his eyes!
Really?
Yes, opened and closed them. Just like this.
Very interesting. If it happens again, just call me.
- I'd like to see that.
- You would?
(Sighs)
Oh, really!
What can you expect, eating filthy stuff like this?
It wasn't that.
It was that compost heap we had for supper.
- I shall write to my MP.
- You do that.
Do you feel better now?
(Hiccups)
When are we going to get a new sluice, Staff?
That old thing...
Never mind about the sluice.
Go and have a look at Mr Able.
He's on Sinacol. One never knows
how it's going to take some people.
- I thought it only affected old men peculiarly.
- Well, in here, they age fast.
Mr Able!
(Chuckles)
- Are you feeling all right, Mr Able?
- Oh, yes, yes, yes.
I'm going for a swim.
- Oh, no, you settle down. Get back into bed.
- No, you settle down.
- Now where's the sea?
- Argh!
Ho, ho, ho, ho! Take that. That's right.
- (Hiccups)
- Impertinence!
(Impatient buzzing)
- What the devil's going on?
- Nothing!
- Mr Able!
- Get your clothes off, girl.
You can't swim with your clothes on.
Come along now.
Look! Look! Look!
Look there! A mermaid!
(Giggles hysterically)
Ha-ha!
Look out, he's coming back.
Streamers!
- Streamers!
- (Hiccups)
Streamers!
Streamers! Streamers!
(Buzzing)
- What the blue blazes is going on?
- Nothing, Colonel.
Nothing, indeed. I'll jolly well go and find out.
Ow!
Ooh, lovely, girls!
My leg! My flaming leg!
- No! No!
- Allow me, nurse, please.
- Mr Bishop!
- It's all right, I used my left.
What about my perishing leg?
- Are you all right?
- Yes, thank you.
Look, I hope I haven't hurt him.
- Go back to bed, Mr Bishop.
- OK.
Nurse, call the houseman
to look at Mr Able's jaw.
- Colonel, will you go back to bed this minute!
- I haven't had time to lay the odds.
Now, then, Mr Hickson.
What's happened to you?
Nothing, nurse. I always sleep like this.
I'll soon get you that meal.
He's fine. He'd like some steak and chips.
You can have a little sterile water...for breakfast.
Now, lie still and don't let that needle slip.
Understand?
Yes, nurse.
Come out of here now.
- See that man over there without any trousers?
- Oh, yes.
- Well, get some on him and put him to bed.
- Yes, Staff.
(Hiccups)
(Hiccups)
(Hiccups)
Fingers in ears.
- This is ridi...(Hiccups)..culous.
- Drink.
- I've done it, Staff.
- Good.
- (Hiccups)
- Take over here.
- Fingers in ears, please.
- I can't.
- Come on, now.
- I think I'm going to be sick again!
(Hiccups)
- Is Mr Able's jaw broken?
- I hope not.
You said it was going to be that kind of a night.
Excuse me. Oh, he's perfectly all right, Staff.
Just a drop or two.
Oh, good show!
- Argh!
- The daft old sluice!
Oh!
It's different from the one in Women's Medical,
Staff!
Wetter, would you say? Go and change.
I can't, Staff!
I can't see to get to the nurses' home.
My spectacles have gone down the sluice!
Nurse, will you take Nurse Nightingale
to the nurses' home?
Yes, Staff.
Thank you.
- Now, when do I have my injection?
- Just as soon as they tell me to give it to you.
Oh, the waiting. The uncertainty. The starvation.
- Oh, God!
- Oh, don't be such a baby.
- Your op's nothing to worry about.
- My only worry is I won't get it.
Supposing I lose another day.
Oh, Jiminy, what a flaming muddle.
Ah, Mr Bell. Back into bed at once.
You're on this afternoon's list.
Sister! I could kiss you!
Ho-ho!
- Mr Bell!
- Ding-dong, carry on.
I say, fellows! What do you know?
Tonight, they're talking about the Health Service
in At Home And Abroad.
Oh, I say. What jolly fun.
Isn't it, Percival? And guess what?
Last year,
the whole thing cost 585 million pounds!
Get out of it! I don't believe it.
The man just said so.
I tell you, it's impossible!
Ask him again.
I say, would you mind repeating that...
(Laughs) You know, I nearly did!
Nurse! Oh, you haven't injected Mr Bell.
Thank goodness.
He can't be operated on today. We have
eight emergencies coming. Road smash.
Eight? That makes my bunion look a bit silly.
- Oh, you'd better put your pyjamas back on.
- Yes.
Well, no. I say, nurse, can't they squeeze me in?
I've simply got to be done today.
I'm surprised at you.
I didn't think you'd be so selfish.
Selfish? If you knew what depended...
Oh, by Jiminy!
Look, I've got a whole schedule.
The bunion can wait. I can't.
I'm going to discharge myself. Ooh!
But you can't do that!
If anything happens to you...
- What could happen from a bunion?
- You never know.
- An article in the Nursing Mirror...
- I don't want to hear.
Well, don't do anything hasty. You think about it.
I say, nurse...could I have something to eat?
Where do you think you're going, Mr York?
- America?
- I'm applying for a job. What's your problem?
Oh, I er... I want the bath.
Suppose you fall with the drain in you.
No, Mr York. Back to bed, please.
But it's been six days now!
I've been picked up twice by radar.
Please let me have a bath. I'll be careful.
Nurse Dawson!
YORK: America, that's um...
- Yes, Staff?
- See that Mr York doesn't fall over in the bath.
Look, I don't think I...
- Not undressed yet?
- I think I'll just have a good wash.
If Staff says you're to have a bath,
you have a bath.
- Look, I...
- Oh, you baby!
- Shall I help you get undressed?
- No!
Oh, come along, come along.
We haven't all day.
Well?
Right?
(Chuckles) To think I called you a baby!
For the first time in my life,
I can't think of anything to say.
Neither can I.
- Wonderful, isn't it?
- Yes.
- Darling, why can't you be done tonight?
- I told you, darling. The theatres are in use.
- They're not. I just passed them both.
- Ah!
So they finished the emergencies earlier, eh?
Hm... Well, bully for them.
Look, it's only a bunion.
I'm going to discharge myself.
No, I told you, I won't allow that.
Your health comes first.
I'd never forgive myself
if anything happened to you.
Besides, I shouldn't enjoy our little trip
one little bit for the worry.
Now promise me.
Oh, all right, darling.
It's only one day, I suppose. I'm being done
tomorrow. And being starved today.
Oh, Megsy, darling. Give me a bite.
Jack, whatever's come over you?
I'm... I'm just hungry, that's all.
- Why, what's the matter with you?
- Nothing's the matter with me, Jack. I'm all right.
Tell me.
Are you serious about going to America?
Is that really your concern, Mr York?
Yes.
Let me warn you.
Hospitals have a strange effect on most men.
They imagine...
well, they think they're in love with the nurses.
It happens every week to every nurse.
I don't think it's imagination.
You do.
We'll have to find out who's right.
Before you go to America.
Right now, I'm going back inside.
I think you ought to do the same.
- Hello, what have you got there?
- What? Oh.
Hey, help me and the boys kill these.
I'm just in the mood.
(Slurred) It's no good, I've simply got to dance.
# La, la, la, la, la
# La, la, la, la, la, la
# La, la, la...
- Oh, shut up and sit down.
JACK: Do you want Sister to catch us?
Clumsy beast. Might have broken my arm off.
(Slurred) I could have set it for you, Mr Hinton.
It's easy.
All in this book.
Wakefield's Practical Surgery. Fascinating.
That book. What's it say about bunions?
Page 275.
It's as easy as winking.
Do-it-yourself surgery.
Easy as drinking. Winking.
Do mine.
What? Who? Me?
Well, you said you could do it.
I'm a nucl... A nu...
I'm not a doctor.
Look, it's all science. You've got a book.
Surely a man of your brains could knock off
a little elementary thing like a bunion?
Well, supposing I did.
What would you tell the hospital people,
with your bunion gone?
Well, I'd... I'd just say it disappeared
in the middle of the night.
- Pftt! Just like that.
- They'd write you up in the Lancet.
I don't care if they stick me on the cover
of the Police Gazette,
so long as I get my snogging in as planned.
But this loud-mouthed windbag won't help me.
He drinks my bubbly - oh, yes -
but he won't remove my bunion.
How could I? What about an operating theatre?
Both theatres are free.
All right. I'll try.
Oh, dear.
- Hello!
ALL: Hello.
- Hello, Mick, we're just having a little party.
- Well, make the most of it.
- Why? Is something up?
- Only Matron's blood pressure.
After last night's little riot.
Well, tonight she's posting a nurse
to sit in the ward.
All night.
Just to keep an eye on you lot.
- Good night.
- Good night, Mick.
Well, what a pity.
We won't be able to do it now.
Got to stay in the ward.
Wait a minute. Now listen, boys.
Strategy. Now, if there's one thing
I did learn in the ring, it's strategy.
How to turn a disadvantage to your advantage.
- Well, you're not in the ring now, so shut up.
- Oh, please! Do you mind, Oliver?
Now look. Gather round, lads.
You too, doc. Come over here.
Come on, come on, come on.
Now look, here's what we do.
This nurse could be our strategic opportunity.
(Yelps)
- Nurse?
- Er...sir.
Right, wash his feet with ether soap.
That's the green liquid.
(Groans)
Now listen, chaps.
Antiseptic liquid soap, green. There it is.
No, I wasn't serious. It was only the champagne.
- No, really.
- Get on there.
This is the stuff. It's all nicely labelled.
Very efficient in these hospitals, aren't they?
- (Gasps) Oh, it's... it's freezing!
- And so it should be.
Ooh, it's freezing my foot off!
- Wouldn't have to worry about the bunion then!
- Stop larking about, Bernie.
And go and get me some antiseptic.
Antiseptic, right.
It says here you should apply it with a swab
and forceps.
We don't have time for all the trimmings.
- Such as an anaesthetic.
- Now look.
I don't want to go on with this.
I must have been mad.
When everything's going so well?
- Don't be so ungrateful!
- After all the trouble we've taken?
- Antiseptic.
- Ah, right. There we are. That's it.
That should do. Now, what's next?
- Er... 5cc pentathol.
- Hm... Intravenous injection.
I wonder where they keep the intravenous.
- Now wait a minute!
- Do you want this operation or not?
- I don't want any of you practising darts on me.
- But you must have an anaesthetic.
- There's always this.
- Uh-uh!
Gas. I... I don't mind gas.
- Ah. Gas. Mm, that's the Boyle's machine.
- But he's got a bunion.
The Boyle's machine! Over there.
It's full of nitrous oxide or something.
- Wheel that in and get it flowing.
- Right.
Right, now what do we need?
- It's like making a cake, innit?
- Shut up.
Esmarch's bandages. They're made of rubber.
Three inches wide.
We wrap them tightly round his leg,
like a tourniquet.
You two get those.
And put on masks and gowns.
Right. It's exciting, innit?
Won't be long now.
Hello? Frying tonight.
Not you, you idiot! Him!
Look, I don't think I will have gas after all.
Cor blimey.
They've gone and done it,
like they said they would.
Nu...
Mr Hinton!
Humphrey!
Mr Hinton!
Mr Hinton!
Right, now start unwinding from the foot,
but leave a bit of bandage at the top of the leg.
Now I need a scalpel
to cut the surface of the skin.
- (Laughs)
- Two small artery forceps...
Oh, big 'uns. Make it big 'uns.
Nothing but the biggest and the best.
An osteotome.
It looks like a chisel but it has two sharp sides.
Two? Oh, good! (Laughs)
A fine saw. A needle and cat gut.
That's right, sew a button on it. (Laughs)
Better give him some more gas.
We can't have him giggling all through.
- Most distracting.
- I agree.
(Laughs)
- What's the matter with you?
- Nothing.
Let's get the knives.
(Laughs)
(Laughter continues)
(Laughter)
(They laugh raucously)
(Winces)
Mr Hinton! Wake up.
Wake up, please!
Mm-hm. Yeah.
- These'll do.
(Laughter)
(Raucous laughter)
- What's the matter with you lot?
I've got a bunion! (Laughs)
I've got the giggles.
Stop mucking about.
I don't know what's got into you.
Yes, I do!
- You careless cruiserweight, you!
- Lightweight.
I thought so. You let this thing run.
(Starts laughing)
Hold... Hold this over his mouth...
and I'll start cutting.
Say, Oliver,
what happens if anything goes wrong?
We'll have to amputate your leg!
(They laugh raucously)
Humphrey!
This... This is Percival calling you!
I'm sorry, mates.
(Bell rings)
(Laughter continues)
No! No, stop it! You're tickling!
I thought you were asleep.
Here, hold him, for goodness' sake.
(Laughter continues)
(Raucous laughter)
(Bell rings)
Nurse? Asleep on duty, eh?
Argh!
(Muffled shout)
Oh!
Mr Hinton, what is the meaning of this?
- Thank you, Staff.
- What happened?
- They all went to the operating theatre.
- To the...?
Nurse! Please let me explain!
Mr Hinton, please give me back my uniform!
Mr Hinton!
Ooh! Ooh, no!
Elevate the capsule...
and the...periosteum.
Well, where is his peri... peri...
No, he's made all wrong.
Gentlemen...he hasn't got one.
(Chuckles) He must have.
All right, there's the diagram,
you find his pendi...his peri...
pe... you...
Can't find his periscope.
- Swabs.
- Nurse!
Yes, Staff. Beg pardon.
(Laughs) Silly me.
Will somebody give me a bottle?
Well, if it doesn't happen today,
I don't know what I'll do.
All my arrangements are already up the spout.
- It's frustrating, you know.
- Yes. I can imagine.
I hope you don't mind my burdening you
with my troubles like this.
No, not at all.
Besides, looks like they're over.
Ah, Mr Bell! Time for your injection.
At last!
Oh!
That's the best news I've ever... (Sneezes)
- What was that?
- What? What was what?
- You sneezed. You've got a cold.
- Quite so.
- Well, you can't have an operation with a cold.
- Don't be ridiculous. (Sneezes)
I haven't got a cold on my bunion.
Come along inside.
I've never heard anything so... (Sneezes)
..in my... (Sneezes)
- Nurse! Nurse!
- Yes, Sister.
Get Mr Bell into the side ward immediately.
No, Sister. Nurse, no, please, please!
I'm all right.
Please let me have my operation. Please.
Don't infect all the other patients!
Go with nurse at once.
But you don't understand, Sister.
I must have it today. I simply must.
(Sneezes)
It's nothing, nurse. I'm perfectly all right.
(Sneezes)
- Now come along. Hurry up.
- I haven't got a cold.
- I'm perfectly all right. I'm...
- In you go.
Oh, Megsy, Jack's not all right.
(Sneezes)
(Chuckles)
(Buzzer)
(Knock)
- Come in!
Now what?
Oh, dear. Sounds as if you don't love me today.
I don't. You're a naughty old buzzer.
Now come along, Colonel, what is it?
Give that to Mick for me, would you, please?
- More horses?
- More horses, my girl.
All right. Just this once.
But if Sister found out...
Surely she'd forgive a student nurse,
wouldn't she?
- Fat chance.
- Really?
Perhaps she ought to be reminded
of your status, then.
- Is there anything else, Colonel?
- Let me... Oh, yes, dear. I'm awfully sorry.
I dropped my cigars down there.
Would you mind?
Oh!
- Colonel!
- Sorry, dear. I never could resist it.
- Well, goodbye, everybody.
- Goodbye, Ollie!
Goodbye, Mr Reckitt.
Sure you've got everything?
Quite sure. Thank you, nurse.
(Hums)
Staff Nurse!
Oh, Staff Nurse, I forgot to give Mr York
his final certificate. I think you'll just catch him.
Surely it could be posted, Sister.
You run after him.
Yes, Sister.
Mr York.
If I have a date tonight, the name's Ted.
Ted.
Hurry up, nurse.
- There are other things for you to do, you know.
- Yes, Sister.
Nurse Dawson! (Tuts)
Goodbye, Bernie.
Jeremy!
- Hello, darling!
- Hello, love.
- Hello, son!
- Hello.
- Do you remember me?
- Mm.
- Do you? Got a present for me?
- Mm.
Come on, then. Give it to me.
Oh! Ooh, what a punch!
Come on, give me a kiss. That's lovely.
- Hello, darling.
- Hello, love.
Come on, now.
Who taught him that, then? You?
Right. Now.
Come in!
- Hello, hello, hello!
- Hello, Colonel.
To what do I owe the honour of this visit?
- You're going back into the ward tomorrow.
- That's right.
We have to carry out just one final test.
- It'll only take a few minutes.
- That's all right.
- Hey, what goes on?
- We're getting our own back on the old boy.
Oh, he's a sport.
By the time we're through with him,
he'll need to be.
SISTER: How fortunate I met you, Matron.
- Matron!
I have a lot to do.
I must get through my rounds early.
- I'm afraid everything won't be quite ready.
- All right.
I do hope our troublesome colonel
won't delay me too long today.
(Knock)
COLONEL: Come in!
Good...
Colonel! Whatever's going on?
Come, come, Matron. Surely you've seen
a temperature taken like this before?
Oh! (Chuckles) Yes, Colonel. Many times.
But never...with a daffodil.