Cassanova Was a Woman (2016) Movie Script
1
[female narrator] Sex...
Sexuality.
What makes one person attracted
to another?
What is attraction?
Is it emotional?
Is it physical?
or...
a little bit of both.
I used to think you were either
born gay or born straight.
Oops! Sorry!
That's alright, sweetie.
Nowadays, its okay to be what
they call
"sexually fluid".
But what does that actually mean
when it comes to
relationships?
You know, monogamy, commitment.
Can you be a free spirited,
sexually fluid,
pansexual,
bisexual,
metrosexual
monogamist?
Oh and...
also be Latin.
[cat calls in Spanish]
[answers in Spanish]
Holy shit! I thought you were a
gringa!
I don't know.
I just know that...
life is full of
exciting,
unpredictable,
pleasurable
chaos.
That, no book or class or parent
can prepare you for.
You pretty much have to wing it,
and go with your gut.
Always go with your instincts.
Well,
that's what an acting
teacher told me, anyway.
[grunting in distress]
[woman squeals]
[woman laughs]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
I think so. I think so.
Thanks.
Hey, I'm uh, I'm Lola.
Hi, I'm uh
I'm Cassanova.
Thank you.
- Wait a minute.
Hi! I am Cassanova.
"Cassanova"? Wow!
That's a unique name.
Especially for a woman.
Yeah. Well, it's with the
two "s's" though.
You know. Not the one 's'
like the famous lover.
Oh yeah yeah. That is different.
Hey, wait a minute.
Are you in the 80's play?
Uh, yeah. You?
Yeah, I mean that's gonna be
fun.
Ha! But I mean, 80's, ooh!
Been there, done that.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, me too!
I hope they don't need this as a
coat rack,
'cause I think I ruined this
thing.
You know what? Let's get out of
here
before we get busted, okay?
That's a good one.
[Cassanova] So, you weren't
supposed to be in the show?
[Lola] No, but a friend on the
crew said
they were looking for this
character
and they couldn't find her.
So, here I am.
I'm glad.
I read with some of the
people that read for your part,
They were horrible.
Like they couldn't even do a
Queens accent.
They were like,
[stilted fake accent]
"Forget about it."
as opposed to you know,
fuggetaboutid [Brooklyn accent]
"Yo, you talkin' to me? "
"Yeah baby, who else
would I be talkin' to?"
[with accent]
"I grew up in Queens
and I walk my 'dawg'
every morning, to get my cup of
coffee."
We Hobokonites have the same
accent.
So, you are from Hoboken?
Yeah.
Yeah, I live in Jersey too
- the "burbs".
Listen, I gotta go this way.
But I'll see you tomorrow?
Well, you sure you don't want to
grab a bite to eat or something?
Naw, I have a date.
Who is this lucky...person?
My husband.
Oh, you're married!
Yeah. Ten years.
We have a romantic dinner
planned.
Can't miss it.
See ya tomorrow?
See ya tomorrow.
[alarm beeping]
[sighs]
[sighs]
[man] I love you.
I love you too.
See you tomorrow, everyone.
Same time, same place.
[speaking in Spanish]
[sighs]
Excuse me, could you just,
excuse me.
[party music]
[music continues]
Cass?
Cass!
Oh my God! It's so good to see
you.
Hola, chica, how's it going?
I'm gonna come, sit with you.
I don't think there's room
but...
It's alright.
Nice boots, girl.
God, these young girls are big.
Excuse me!
Ooh, I think you lost something.
How are you?
Great!
Oh my God!
I'm great but can you believe
my agent sent me out for this?
I'm gonna kill her.
Why? You'd be perfect.
What? What are you talking
about?
Look around, Evelyn!
I look like the offspring of the
Brady Bunch in this room.
But you're not, okay?
You're a Canto to me,
you're more Latina than most of
these
wanna be Nuyoricans who can
barely speak Spanish.
You know how it is, Evelyn.
Unless you look like
Jennifer Lopez, you're not
Latin.
Why does your agent send--
- Can you please just...
You're not going to get it,
mama, I'm sorry.
Why does your agent send
you out on this kind of stuff?
Tell her that you want more
Anglo-Saxon...
I tell her, I tell her but
she knows I'm Cuban.
You know, but it doesn't matter.
I've been out for everything,
all kinds of roles,
all American wasp, Eastern
European, Latina,
Canadian, Alaskan, Scandinavian,
everything in the book.
Give me a U, give me an S,
give me an A, a, a!
What's that spell?
What's that spell?
No really, what's that spell?
[toy gun drops]
[man] Ouch!
So you think because I am
Russian,
I am a communist?
Well, you are right.
[man] Are you Italian?
[coughing, sputtering]
[laughing]
That happened?
It totally happened.
Oh, that sucks, Cass.
I'm so sorry.
But you know, why do we do it?
I don't know...because we're
freaks?
Freakers are seekers, baby.
That's true.
Alright, so what side do you
have?
Let's see, I am
oh, shocker.
Hooker #1.
She has a fight with her pimp.
That's uh, original,
really original.
I got Hooker #3.
At least we're not up for the
same role.
That's good.
Mine gets beaten and then
questioned by the police.
Good for you.
I wonder who's got Hooker #2.
Don't know. One of these
hookers.
Cassanova Ciantu?
Canto! Right over here.
Wish me luck!
Love you! Be careful.
Nice booty.
You know, I'm a huge
New York Beat cop fan.
I've been trying to get
an audition for years but
my agent actually says
she knows you.
She actually met you at
one of the parties that...
Hi!
I'm just gonna put this down.
[clears throat]
Any questions?
Cassanova?
[offensively exaggerated
Spanish accent] Yeah, um...
was she raped and beatin' first,
before she got high and
'ovadosed', you know,
or was she raped and beatin',
while she got high and then
'ovadosed'? Because you know...
that's stupi', yo!
[Cassanova] Suffice it to say,
they didn't buy me
as a Latina
hooker, but...
they would buy me as an Irish
one.
[Irish accent] Apparently they
think I'd make a better living
on the streets of Dublin,
not Times Square.
How's my Irish accent?
Is it okay?
Better luck next time, Cass.
Yeah, whatever.
What else is going on?
[Cassanova] You asshole!
I'm trying to share something
really important with you
REALLY enlightening.
And all you care about is
how you fit into the picture.
I think I'm not in love with him
anymore.
I don't know how this could
happen. We're...
We're constantly arguing.
Peter, you can't let go of
something that happened
three years ago, and then
nothing.
Maybe I should have cheated on
you too.
We were so in love. It's...
It's crazy.
[Peter] You lied,
and you cheated on me and you
never really apologized for it.
Nev...Never?
Never apologized for it?
Let me see,
where is that freaking
affidavit?
I have written testimony, that I
notarized
stating the numerous, extensive
apologies
that have come out of
this mouth.
C'mon! That's bullshit!
Why is it crazy?
People do fall out of love,
you know?
Yeah, but I thought I'd be with
him for the rest of my life.
I don't think I can do it.
[Peter] I can't believe that
after all--
I'm not gonna rehash this again.
I'm not.
I'm not gonna rehash
this again.
Well, yeah we are. Yes, you are.
You're going to talk about this
until you realize
Oh my God!
There are other ways to torture
someone
that are much more
humane.
[therapist] What can't you do?
Live without him.
We're discussing this.
No.
We are discussing this,
and I'm saying it again,
in a therapist's office.
No more! Not here!
I'm not going to...
I've already told you, I am not
going anywhere, alright?
Peter, c'mon!
Please, just sit down and
listen.
No! You made your bed,
now lie in it.
How's the sex?
In a word--
horrible.
[therapist] Horrible?
Do you two communicate about
that?
Please,
communication has
never been a problem for us.
I told him a hundred times,
he never does anything new,
or anything I suggest.
For the past ten years,
we've been making love the
same-exact-way.
I've introduced food,
costumes,
toys, gadgets,
different places, different
positions,
hands, tongue, mouth.
He's introduced
his penis.
Was it ever any good?
[Cassanova] Well...
I guess when we first started
dating,
yeah it was hot and
heavy, but....
he was never really
physically my type.
What's your type?
Okay,
you know The Rock,
Dwayne Johnson?
That's my type.
Peter?
Not The Rock.
I like tall; he's my height.
I like dark; he's light.
I like strong and muscular; he
had a potbelly by the age of 30.
It sucks.
Why do you think you stay?
Because I did--
I do really love him.
Despite all the sexual mishaps,
I--
he was the only man
who really understood me.
We were so
emotionally and intellectually
compatible.
He got me. You know what I mean?
I do know what you mean.
I think we're gonna need to
continue this
at your next
session.
Sounds good.
Vacation, huh?
Yes.
Sure. Have fun.
How much did that
director love you?
No, he thinks you are great too.
Besides, I'm married.
But he's not.
That's his problem.
What about you, Lola?
Are you married or with someone?
Well, I broke up with someone
recently.
Yeah, Sam and I were together
for about four years.
We lived together and we split
up
a couple of months ago.
Wow, so recently.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine, but it was
rough.
I miss him.
Of course, of course.
You were practically married.
He was your husband.
No. Lovers.
Oh. Okay.
Anyway, he was a douche,
he would drop me
every time I got into a play.
Are you serious? But, you are an
actress.
What'd he expect you to do?
- Quit acting.
So, what did you do?
- Kept acting.
Good girl.
Listen, I uh,
I'd love to talk to you some
more, but
I gotta go.
Okay, I guess, see you tomorrow?
See you tomorrow.
See ya.
Richard, I'm dying.
Girl, you are always dying.
No, Rich, I'm serious.
I'm completely obsessed.
I never felt this way about
anyone
in my seventeen
relationships.
You know, I knew her
the minute I met her.
She's different.
She's it.
It? Honey, she's straight.
I know, but there's something
about her.
I mean, she seems
to be attractive,
but she's not even aware.
She has got to be aware, honey!
Why do you wanna be
treading in that unchartered
wilderness for anyway?
Stick with the village.
What you know!
What about Sara?
She's bi and Lord knows, she's
beautiful.
Yeah, she's beautiful, but
she doesn't have "it".
You know this, this Cassanova
she has it all.
She's so smart and talented.
Oh!
You know she works for morning
radio.
Oh no, I was listening to her
today,
she was so great.
She was funny and--
- Straight.
warm--
- Straight!
And, so beautiful.
- Still straight!
Would you shut up with that.
What the hell are you gonna do
with a straight woman
besides go shopping?
Oh, I can do plenty if she'd let
me.
Oh my God, there she is!
There she is!
How's my hair?
Nighmare on Elm street, right?
Oh my God.
Alright, my make up?
My make up?
My basic face?
What about my lips?
Get my lipstick!
Damn, L.
You would think you'd be
meeting Shakira or somebody.
Oh God. Damn!
It's the wrong shade.
Can you give me yours?
You know I don't carry that shit
with me.
It stays at Lucky Chang's.
I only wear that stuff for my
act.
Now calm down.
You look gorgeous.
If you just fluff up your hair a
little bit,
you got any hairspray
in that trunk of yours?
I forgot the hairspray.
This is the worst.
Honey, this is not the worst.
Mamma here will tell you
about some worst times.
Now, calm down.
Hey Lola! What's up?
I'm starving, can I join you?
Sure, sure.
Cassanova, this is Richard.
Richard, this is Cassanova.
Hi! Pleasure meeting you.
Pleasure to meet you, Cassanova.
I'm starving.
Okay so what were you guys
talking about?
[Cassanova narrating] So for the
next two weeks, we rehearsed.
We were only one of the
one acts in the festival
but, we were the best one.
Lola and I grew very close.
It was really somewhat kismet.
I felt like, I knew her for
centuries.
The fun was non-stop.
Even though, Peter and I
kept arguing.
She kept listening.
She was kind, supportive, wise
and well, fun.
So much fun.
[soft piano music]
[music continues]
[Cassanova] Then, opening night
came.
We hadn't done a line drill,
so we decided to meet
at the coffee shop
to go over our lines
before call.
I can't believe it's opening
night already.
We've only rehearsed for two
weeks. I can't wait.
Yeah, me neither.
Hey listen Cass, I got to tell
you something--
- Hello, ladies!
Can I get you something to
drink?
No, I'll just um,
I'll just have a cup of coffee.
And I will have a diet coke.
Sure thing. Coming right up.
He's cute.
Yeah, yeah. He's cute.
Listen, Cass,
uh, I got to tell you something.
It's kinda personal.
I got to tell you before Sara
gets here.
- Sure, sure hon,
you know you can tell me
anything.
Are your parents okay?
Yeah, they're fine.
It's just that um...
I should've told you this
a couple of weeks ago,
in the beginning.
[phone rings]
One second.
Hold that thought. Sara?
Yeah, I have a pair.
Only one?
Sure.
Bye, bye.
It was Sara.
She wanted to know if I had
an extra pair of lace gloves
for the Madonna scene.
Yeah, that's nice. That's nice.
That's nice?
Jeez, Lola, what's going on?
Here you go, ladies.
Thank you.
-Enjoy your coffee.
I will.
Cass--
Lola, check this out.
This guy gave me his number.
Call me sometime so I can
give you some "real" service.
I can't believe this
I get more action married
than when I was single.
Cass
Can I call you Cass?
Only my really good friends call
me Cass.
you know, so...
Cass, I'm bisexual and
Sam is really Samantha.
[Cassanova narrating] Okay,
right now you should be seeing
a light bulb over my head!
You see it?!
Okay, maybe you don't.
But it's there!
Don't ask me right now why
because,
I don't know.
But for a split second,
there was a flash.
And?
"And"?
I just told you that I was into
women also
and that I lied to you about
Samantha who I've been in a
relationship with
for four years.
We live-- why aren't you
surprised?
I don't know.
I'm just not.
What I am surprised about
is the fact that you didn't
tell me sooner.
I mean, I thought we were
friends.
I'm sorry. It's just that you
know,
people judge you when they hear
you are a little different.
Oh, you're different alright.
But it has nothing to do with
your sexuality.
"This"
actually makes you normal.
Shut up! I'm sorry, really.
I mean, if you have to
worry about anybody
treating you differently
because of part of who you are,
then the sooner you can
get rid of them.
It's a good way to narrow down
the good friends
from the crappy ones.
You are right. You are
absolutely right.
Oh God, I feel like such a great
weight has been lifted
off my shoulder.
You have no idea.
Can't believe you think I would
treat you differently or
change my attitude towards you
just because
you're a rugmuncher.
Great! Epithets!
So you like a little
something, something
muffin with your
sausage in the morning.
I'm starting to regret
having told you.
Cass, is my hair high enough?
High enough?
Lola, it's an edifice.
You've got Empire State
Building, Sears Tower
Lola's Hair!
Places everyone!
Fuacata!
- Break a leg, gorgeous.
You too, sexy thing.
[funky dance music]
Oh my God!
They loved it.
They totally loved it.
We were pretty funny.
Are you kidding me, hon'!
You were hysterical!
You're so easy to play with.
- I know. I am pretty amazing.
Listen Cass, what are you doing
tonight?
I don't know, I got to see
what Peter wants to do.
Oh 'cause there's this really
great party that I am going to
I think would be terrific,
if you wanted to come with.
Sure, I just gotta see what
Peter wants to do.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
Well, it's...it's not your
average party.
Oh no? What kind of party is it?
It's at a lesbian club. It's an
all girl party,
but there's always a lot of
mixed couples there.
Okay.
That's totally cool.
I'm sure Peter won't mind.
Besides, you know straight guys.
Oh, I do know straight guys.
[electronic dance music]
[Cassanova] This place is great!
Have you been here before?
Yeah, yeah, a couple of times.
One of my friends works here.
What can I get you to drink?
First round is on the house.
Thanks! I'll have a vodka
martini with olives, dirty.
Peter?
I'll have a rum and Coke,
thanks.
Rum & Coke, okay.
Are you still hooked on her?
There's no way I'm getting
unhooked.
Well, you better sweetie.
She's absolutely straight.
She has a husband, for God's
sake.
I know, but I sense something.
I don't know, maybe it's wishful
thinking.
Maybe?! It is!
You know what Richard,
I am serious.
We have a definite
connection.
Besides, she's not
happy with him.
That doesn't mean she
will be happy with a woman.
Well, I know. But one can always
dream, can't one?
[both laugh]
You were great tonight, honey.
- Thanks, babe.
Lola's really easy to work with.
You know I really like her.
Oh yeah, I do too.
But I definitely like you more.
[both laugh]
Maybe she's not straight, but at
worst, she's bi.
Maybe she's into you and doesn't
know it.
You think?
Maybe not.
Give me the damn spritzer!
I'm going to the bar to get a
drink. You want something?
Yeah, another rum and Coke.
Thanks, babe.
Do you want a drink?
- I don't drink anymore.
Huh?
- No.
There she is.
Well, have fun.
Working the room, huh?
I see you're keeping yourself
occupied.
Oh, I wasn't expecting you.
Yeah, of course you weren't.
So, where's Peter?
Checking out the scene.
He's a, he's a really terrific
guy.
Yeah, he really liked you in the
play.
Oh, great, great.
Richard! I need another drink,
please.
Vodka martini, dirty with olives
and a rum and Coke.
You,
can really dance.
You don't know how much I wish
we could dance together.
Who says we can't?
[dance music]
Baby it's getting late,
maybe we should get going.
Yeah,
it's getting late. I'm a little
tired.
I'll go get our coats.
- Okay, thanks.
So...you got your dance.
I sure did.
Lola, can I ask you a question?
- Sure. Anything.
It's kinda personal and if
I don't ask you now,
I probably never will.
Go ahead.
What would you say if
a straight friend wanted to kiss
you?
If that straight friend was you
I would say, 'Thank you, Lord! '
Praise Jesus!
I'm sorry.
I cant' believe it's 3 AM
already.
I know, wow, the night flew.
So...when am I gonna get that
kiss?
Lola, you can't get it now.
Why not?
- Why not?!
C'mon, just a quick little kiss;
Peter won't even notice.
No! No way, I can't.
I won't be able to sleep
if you don't kiss me goodnight.
What the hell was that?
Oh, you can do much better.
Yes. I can.
But not here.
C'mon, let's go; it's hot in
here.
Yeah.
Listen Cass, I got to tell you
something.
It's okay.
I know what you're gonna say.
I think I feel the same way too.
This is ridiculous.
I can't believe how giddy I
feel.
By the same token, I...I...
it's rough for me.
I know your situation.
I know.
Why don't we just go with the
feeling?
For now.
Here you go, ladies.
What a great night, huh?
[falls on piano keys]
Hello, Lola? It's Cassanova.
How are you feeling?
I didn't sleep a wink all night.
Fabulous!
Yeah, me too. Listen,
I have to see you today.
We have to talk.
Can we meet for a lunch or
something?
Maybe before the matinee?
At the coffee shop?
Sure. About noon?
Yeah, that's perfect.
Okay. See you then.
See you then.
Oh, Lola?
- Yeah?
I still owe you that kiss.
Yeah, you do.
See you later.
- Bye.
Bye.
RICHARD!
[upbeat rock music]
I'm so sorry. I'm late.
Have you been waiting long?
No, I just got here.
Excuse me, ma'am.
You told me to let you know when
it was past twelve. It is 12:20.
Thank you.
Run along now.
I'm so sorry. I live really far.
Did you order anything?
- No.
I'm not even hungry, which is,
which is weird because I'm
usually starving by this time.
Are you lovely ladies ready to
order?
You know what? I'll just have
some coffee.
And some eggs.
Scrambled.
Whole grain toast, just a little
bit of butter.
and Greek yogurt,
do you have Greek yogurt?
Greek yogurt. With a little bit
of granola sprinkled.
Some berries, too. Some uh,
blueberries.
I'm allergic to strawberries.
Cross-contamination.
Are you expecting anyone else,
or...
Okay, so that's it. Okay.
I'll have the same.
All of it?
Okie dokie. Coming right up.
I can't believe you called me
today.
I can't believe I did either.
Jesus! I feel like a teenager
and for me that's going a ways.
Me too.
Here's your coffee.
'The best part of waking up'
because there's... 'Folger's in
your cup.'
Let me know if you need anything
else.
Listen Cass, I'm just gonna
come right out and say this.
I'm not going to waste time on
games or double talk.
Because I'm too told for that.
I've been in so many
relationships,
that I really should know what I
want and--
Well, this...is big for me.
I mean...I'm gonna say it.
You could be air to breathe for
me.
I could be with you for the rest
of my life.
Whoa!
That's intense.
My God! I'm such an idiot.
It's too soon.
You're married. We just met.
I wanna throw up.
Your eggs!
Oh Jeez, I'm not even hungry.
Neither am I.
I shouldn't have said anything.
No, you should've.
It's what you are feeling.
But--
- I'm glad you said it.
But your reaction--
My reaction was what it is.
That is intense, but it doesn't
mean
I don't totally appreciate it
and
really love it.
Love it? Would you be my
girlfriend?
What?
Well, I don't know. Do you wanna
have my pin and go to a drive in
movie for an ice cream soda?
What is this Happy Days -
Lesbian style?
I don't know what I'm saying.
Listen to me,
I don't know what I'm gonna do
about my marriage
'Cause it ended long before I
met you.
I can't cheat on him because
I love him too much for that.
I...I just need time.
It's kinda weird, this situation
being with a woman. It's weird.
Can we just take it slow...for
now.
I'm gonna be crushed.
What? Don't say that.
What if right before
you've been crushed,
you had the time of
your life?
I still would have been crushed.
But it would have all been worth
it.
Obviously, you have never been
crushed.
We're gonna be late.
- Yeah c'mon, let's go.
We didn't even touch our food.
- I am still not hungry.
I am!
But not for food.
[Cassanova narrating]
What kind of corny ass shit
is that to say!
Jesus Christ, when the hell am I
gonna kiss her?
You know, I still owe you that
kiss.
I know.
What am I, 12?
What are you so nervous about?
So what, she's a woman!
Kissing someone is kissing
someone.
When will you ever get a chance
like this?
Okay, let me think.
When am I going to be able to do
this?
I wonder what kind of a crowd
we're gonna have today?
Okay! That's it, NOW!
Cass, hold on a second,
hold on a second.
What?! I told you I owed you
that kiss.
I know and although this is all
very sexy and everything,
I just need a moment to recover
from this concussion.
Sorry.
No problem.
Now call 911.
[party blower]
Guess what, honey?
I got the job in Miami!
I'll be a professor at the
University of Miami!
Can you believe it?
My dream job!
I'll end up where I
started in Miami,
but I'll be with my family
and friends,
this is too good to be true;
we can buy a house,
we can have our kids--
I'm not going to Miami.
You could get a job on one
of your mom's soaps,
great weather, we can go to the
beach whenever you want to--
What do you mean you're not
going to Miami?
Just what I said, Peter.
You know, I'm so happy for you.
I am ecstatic. That's awesome.
Fantastic, fantastic. But
I'm not going to Miami;
I hate Miami.
Oh, you don't hate Miami.
Peter, don't tell me what I like
or don't like.
I never liked Miami
and you know it.
But it's my dream job!
- Yes, yes.
Yes, it's your dream job, but
not mine.
Besides, there's not guarantee
that my mom can get me job on
one of her soaps.
What am I supposed to do here?
I can't get a job here.
Well, I have a job. As a matter
of fact, I have two jobs.
Oh yeah, right.
Waking up at 3:30
in the morning everyday
to report on the
traffic news.
How will they ever get around
without you?
And the black box theater? Ooh!
C'mon Cass, when are you
going to
let go of this acting thing
and start a family?
When am I going to let go of
this acting thing?
Who the hell are you and what
have you done with my husband?
Peter, you know I have been
acting forever.
Way before we met
and I will continue to act.
Okay?
And besides, macho man,
when are you going to let go of
this 'teacher thing'?
Why is it that I have to let go
of anything?
Why is your job more important
than mine?
C'mon Cass, I didn't mean it
like that.
- Yes, you did.
What the hell do you want me to
do? I can't turn down this job.
You do what you have to do.
[sighs]
There's nothing for me in Miami.
- But what are we going to do?
You're my wife.
Peter...
I think we should talk about
this marriage
and the direction
it's headed.
[Peter sighs]
What are you saying?
[sighs heavily]
I want a divorce.
No. Okay? No.
[laughs] No.
- Peter.
- No.
- Listen.
- No.
No! No! NO! NO!!!
Peter, we've been arguing
non-stop for two years.
What kind of marriage is this?!
I still love you, Cass! How can
you do this?
We were supposed to spend
the rest of our lives together!
I know, Peter. I still love you
too, but
I think I'm not "in" love with
you anymore. I'm sorry.
Why?
Why? I don't know why?
Because these things happen
sometimes!
People fall out of love
everyday.
Is it the sex?
[Exhales stressfully]
[loud awkward moaning]
[awkward moaning continues]
We haven't had sex in like two
months.
That's because my feelings
are changing, Peter.
There's something else going on.
There's something that you're
not telling me.
Why can't your ego just believe
that I don't feel the same
anymore?
Look, I know there's something
else. I just know it.
Okay, okay.
If you have to know,
you have to know.
You're my best friend,
right?
You'll probably find out anyway.
There's someone else; I knew it.
I knew it!
Who is it?
I'm gonna fucking kill him. That
fucking creep!
Is it that director you're
working with?
I'll just fucking kill him!
I've seen the way he looks
at you.
Don't think that you're
putting one over me.
No! It's not the director!
- Then who is it?!
C'mon! Spit it out.
Who is he?!
It's not a he.
What?!
It's not...
a he.
What do you mean
'it's not a 'he? '
What the hell
does that mean?
It means
it's a she.
Cass, what are you saying?
What do you think I'm saying?
What? Are you telling me that--
Are you fucking lesbian?
Ssh, keep your freaking voice
down!
It's bad enough they have to
listen to all our arguments,
now you're outing me
to the whole neighborhood?
I'm gonna have a nervous
breakdown.
What the hell is
going on?
Cass, you're NOT a lesbian.
I know, I know.
I don't understand it myself.
It's just...these feelings all
of a sudden--
- What? What feelings?
Well,
you know Lola, right?
Yeah, I-- oh my God, you're
having an affair with Lola.
No, no, no. I'm not having an
affair.
Listen to me, Peter. I'm not
having an affair.
That's why I'm telling you this
because
I don't want to
cheat on you Peter,
and I want to end this
relationship with integrity.
Integrity? Is there integrity in
telling me that
all of a sudden,
now you're gay?
Will you stop thinking in
such black and white terms!
For someone with a Ph.d.,
you are so completely ignorant!
So, what is it then? What is it?
I have no idea.
Look, you think
this is easy for me?
I have a million things going on
in my head and
I'm all mixed up.
What I do know,
is that
our relationship ended long
before I met Lola.
You must have seen this coming.
You can be sure of the fact that
I did not see this coming.
Peter, I still love you. No, you
don't. You don't love me.
If you would love me,
you wouldn't be doing this.
How can you do this, Cass?
After all these years,
how can you do this.
Peter, I don't have all the--
I don't have all the answers.
What I do know is that
I have these feelings
I have to go with.
I can't suppress them.
I have to be true to myself.
What about being true to me,
Cass?
This isn't about you.
Of course not,
it's always been about you.
Peter, where are you going?
Wait one second! Can't we just
finish this conversa--
So, he just left?
- Yeah,
he was pretty much in shock
when he thought I might be
with a woman.
Might?
Lola, I don't know what's going
on.
This is so crazy. I have this
massive crush on you, yet
I never really thought of
being with a woman, in that way.
Well, neither did I, until I
did.
I don't know, everybody has
their own experience, but for me
I loved men for a long time.
I loved their bodies, the sex
was great,
but then I found I wasn't
connecting with them anymore,
emotionally.
And I found I was connecting
more with women.
It just evolved into a romantic
thing.
It never started as a physical
attraction.
Yeah, but I have had
emotional connections with men.
Still do. Deep ones.
I just never thought of a woman
sexually.
Except in some crazy
fantasy in my head
where there's this
orgy going on
and everybody's having anonymous
sex with everybody, right?
And it's awesome.
But it's not real.
No,
I never thought of sex
with a woman
in a serious, conscious way.
[man] What do you think you're
doing?
What happened? Are you okay?
Who the hell are you?
Are you okay? Your face.
You look like you've just seen a
ghost.
He's too hot to be a ghost.
Lola?
Let me ask you a quick question,
aren't ghosts supposed to be all
decomposed and uh
decrepit looking?
And all messed up?
Like the way they die.
Like in the Sixth Sense.
When she opened up the cabinets
and you saw the
back of the head.
She opened up the cabinets
and you saw the hole.
Cass, what the hell are you
talking about?
Are you gonna tell her I'm here?
- Shut up!
I didn't say anything.
- No, not you. Listen,
I'll explain everything
tomorrow.
I have to go.
[naked man and Lola in unison]
Do you wanna talk about this?
I know you may be a little
freaked out. [still in unison]
Oh my God, what's happening to
me? This is insane!
No, no, you're not insane.
You are just discovering things
about yourself
you didn't know were there.
You can say that again.
- Will you get out of here!
This is my apartment.
No, not you.
Listen, honey,
we have to talk about this.
You don't have to leave all
freaked out.
Lola, I'll explain everything...
everything tomorrow.
Okay? I got to go.
Yeah, but Cass, I'm worried
about you.
This is a big step for you
but I want you to know that
everything is gonna be okay.
I've been through this myself.
Oh no you haven't.
[grunts]
That was freaky.
You're telling me!
[horn honks]
I had to sit through
all that making out.
Oh my God!
What the hell are you doing in
my car?
What the hell am I doing
talking to
an imaginary guy
who's totally naked!
[exhales]
Oh my God! Okay, okay, okay.
Okay. Okay. O k a y.
Let me think.
That's not gonna work.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, I'm a schizophrenic
lesbian!
Could there be anything worse?!
I wouldn't start driving, if I
were you.
- Shut up!
I'll do what I wanna do!
- Alright. I'm just saying.
You're not a lesbian,
by the way.
What do I have to do to
make you shut up?!
You're not schizophrenic either.
There's a reason I'm here.
Okay. Okay, okay.
What possible reason
could I have for putting you
here--
ignore him, Cass, just ignore
him!
Okay, that was a little
schizophrenic.
Oh my God.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay!
Let me humor this whole insane
situation.
Who are you and
why are you in my head?
Isn't it obvious?
[honks horn]
Okay, not only do I have a
naked guy who's
apparently, a figment of my
imagination,
but he's also the Dalai Lama!
WHAT...is obvious?
Nothing about what's
happening right now is obvious!
Now, would you put some
clothes on, for Christ's sake!
Put your seat belt on.
What happened?
If at first you don't succeed...
That was amazing.
You are incredible.
Yeah,
yeah, me. Me too.
Amazing.
Cass, what are you doing?
What's up?
Um...
Nothing.
Nothing.
Oh yeah, that actually,
that was amazing.
I never thought sex with a
woman could be that hot.
Well, it does depend on your
partner if you know what I mean.
You know, you do everything I
wish a man would do
but...better.
You know what I can do
that no man can do?
What?
I can go on and on...
The energizer bunny never looked
so good.
[casual music]
[music continues]
SEXUALITY, IS IT IN YOUR HEAD
OR IN YOUR GROIN
I'm in love with a woman.
Okay.
I know, I know, I've only been
with men, how can I be gay--
You're not necessarily gay--
- but it's amazing!
We are so compatible in every
way.
Have you ever felt that?
I feel like I've known her
in another life or something.
Ah, and the sex! Weinstein,
the sex is through the roof.
You haven't told her about me?
Because I've been trying to
ignore you for weeks.
You should've been gone by now.
Why would you ignore me? I told
you I was going on vacation,
you postponed for the last two
months.
I wasn't-- I wasn't talking to
you.
Who were you talking to?
You're gonna laugh.
What is so funny?
I didn't think I'd have to
mention this to you
because I thought he'd be
gone by now, but
every now and then
[mutters]
I'm sorry, you see a what?
A naked guy!
- A naked guy?
I know he's all in my head
but he just...he just pops up
at the most inappropriate
moments.
Is he here now?
Oh yeah.
Letting it all hang out.
You're loving this, aren't you?
In my bedroom,
in my therapist's office,
in my shower--
you have some nerve.
Are you talking to him right
now?
Weinstein, I know he's all in my
head.
I know I'm not crazy but- but-
there he is!
As plain as day,
Naked. Muscular.
Looking as beautiful as ever.
I need a drink, damn it.
Why haven't you told her about
me?
- Why should I?
Okay, you know this is getting
kind of weird. So,
why don't you just tune out
everything else that you might
be perceiving in the world,
alright?
And you just focus in on me.
If you saw what he looked like,
you wouldn't be asking me
to do that.
Just, do it!
- Okay.
So, when do you you see him?
All the time.
Especially when I'm in bed
with Lola.
That's her name,
the woman I'm
having a relationship with now.
So, he shows up
when you're making love
with your female lover.
Now you're expressing your
emotions about her again
and in this very intimate
setting,
and there he is again.
Ah. She's good.
Weinstein, I know what you're
getting at.
I minored in psychology in
college
and I've analyzed enough
characters in scripts to,
no offense,
be a therapist myself.
What am I getting at?
I have no idea.
You know what she's getting at.
Oh my god, how could someone
so gorgeous be so annoying!
Okay, focus.
- Look, I...
Weinstein, I don't feel well.
I need some air.
I'll see you tomorrow. I uh...
our time is almost up, right?
Alright, we're picking up where
we left off.
We need to talk
about the naked guy!
You have got to stop doing that.
Why didn't you want to talk
about me Cass?
Alright, let's do this!
Right here.
In the middle of the park, in
the middle of the day.
Bring it on.
Why don't you wanna
talk about me?
Because it's hard okay.
How can I love this woman so
passionately and still want men?
Because you're bisexual.
Okay, okay, alright already.
So what if I am?
How do I stop the--
the natural urge of wanting to
be with men
when I'm with a woman?
- You don't!
Are you suggesting I cheat on
Lola?
I'm not suggesting anything.
-Right!
I'm suggesting it!
I feel like a closet
heterosexual.
How do you mean?
- I don't know.
If I'm having a relationship
with a woman, doesn't that mean
I'm not supposed to be into men
anymore?
Not necessarily.
I guess, what I'm really asking
is
how can you be bisexual
and still be monogamous?
[unintelligible Kung Fu noises]
Hello? One second.
[screaming]
Yeah. Yeah, this is she.
Aha.
What?
Are you kidding me?
Yes! Absolutely,
absolutely.
Thank you. Thank you, so much!
I got the part.
- What?
Lola, I got the part!
I got the part
as the lead in the Spanish soap.
Oh my God! That is amazing.
I'm so excited.
You are gonna be a star! I can't
believe how excited I am.
Oh God!
- What's the matter?
I'm gonna lose you, I know--
- No!
I can't believe I meet the love
of my life
and I'm losing you to stardom.
No!
- Oh my God. Oh my--
What's the matter?
Have a seat, please.
I can't breathe.
Hurry, get me a bag.
What are you trying to do?
Save me or kill me?
You said get you a bag?
A paper bag! To breathe into!
Does that even work?
- I don't know, I just need air.
Calm down.
- Oh, Cass!
What are we gonna do?
How are we gonna make this last?
You know long distance
relationships never work
and I love you so much.
I love you too, Lola.
And nothing's ever gonna change
that.
Listen, we'll visit each other
every month,
talk on the phone
everyday,
and by the time you know it,
I'm back.
You know Spanish soaps, they
shoot for seven or eight months;
it's like a year long
miniseries,
except with lots of nudity
and a baby being left
on the church steps... What?
Seven or eight months?!
Are you going to be happy for me
or what?
- I am, I am. Yay!
[alternating cheering and
crying]
Have you told Peter, yet?
- Ugh, Peter? No way!
He doesn't want to have anything
to do with me.
I may call him though, just to
rub it in.
He's not gonna believe I got a
job in Miami.
That's where he wanted
both of us to end up.
Chock full of irony, isn't it?
- Totally.
So,
are you seeing anyone?
God sis, you don't waste any
time do you?
Going right for the good stuff.
What could be more exciting than
sex?
Hmm, you got a point there.
Well,
I am seeing someone, but
it's in the early stages,
and we really don't want
anyone to know yet.
What do you mean,
you don't want anyone to know?
What's the big secret?
What are you dating, Batman?
No,
more like
Catwoman?
You are dating a transvestite?
Thank god this trip is only two
hours--
no you weirdo, I'm not dating a
transvestite.
I'm dating...I'm dating a
female.
A female what?
A female kangaroo,
What do you think I'm dating?!
A female human being!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
What the hell are you smiling
about?
It's all good, Cass.
- What?
I just didn't think you had it
in you.
Me?
I live on the edge, baby.
On the precipice of life.
Besides, sorry to disappoint you
sis, but I am a free spirit.
I go where the wind takes me.
I flow, baby. I flow!
-Yeah, you're flowing alright.
I just didn't think you were the
sexually experimental type.
That's cause you know nothing
about my sex life.
Uh, what sex life? The boring
one you had with your husband?
Or the one you've been
fantasizing about for ages?
The point is Evette, I'm with a
woman.
She's incredible.
Plus, I bet you can't say
the same thing for yourself.
I've done both sexes--
- Don't be so sure.
I've had relationships
with both-- What?
Evette Manconi, you've been with
a woman?
Well, I haven't exactly been
with a woman.
No, no, no, you've either been
with one or you haven't.
Now, which is it?
Details! I want details!
- I am trying to tell you.
Listen.
I was 20 years old. It was my
sophomore year in college.
Did I have the purple hair then?
I don't know, was that the year
you only dressed in purple too?
Yes! Okay, listen,
sophomore year in college,
twenty years old, purple hair
and I...
kissed my best friend.
- Oh my God!
Did I know her?
No, she was totally goth
and didn't like being
introduced to other people.
So, I kissed my best friend
and we...
slept together.
Almost!
That's it?
You almost slept together?
That is truly the worst lesbian
escapade I have ever heard
in my entire life.
What are you talking about? We
were attracted to each other.
She kissed me.
But you didn't go all the way.
That doesn't count.
What do you mean it doesn't
count? It was exciting.
I mean, I wasn't
into it after that,
but I'm telling you,
it was thrilling.
You're pathetic, you know that?
Do me a favor,
don't tell anyone that story.
It'll shock them into boredom.
No, no, we didn't have any
clothes on. Do you understand?
No clothes!
Big whoop, nudity with
no labial action doesn't count.
We were drinking and smoking.
She wanted to continue.
Are you kidding me?
Inebriation?!
Everyone's gay after two drinks.
Everybody knows that!
[Evette] You think you can help
me out, here?
[laughing]
Can you believe
he said that to me?!
I wanted to kick him
in his balls!
[Cassanova]
So why didn't you?
Because! Joe wouldn't let me.
He was afraid the guy would
go after him.
Oh my God!
That reminds me of
another story.
- Which one?
The one about the transvestite.
Oh, I have a wonderful story
about--
- Not now, Ma. Not now.
[speaking in Spanish]
No ma, it's not that.
It's just that...
I have something important
to tell you.
Yes?
Well...
It's sort of...
you see...
I'm kinda--
- She's kinda in love
with a woman.
Evette!
- What?
And?
And...
that's it.
That kind of news doesn't need
an 'and' Mommy.
That's definitely the end of a
sentence.
Well...
Well, what? Are you okay?
I'm thinking.
You know English is not
as easy as Spanish for me. So...
Speak in Spanish, Ma!
What are you translating for the
United Nations?
We speak Spanish too.
[speaking in Spanish]
Okay, here it is:
Do you love her?
Yeah.
Does she love you?
Yeah. At least she tells me so.
Does she love Cuban food?
Almost more than me.
Does she where guayaberas,
smoke cigars and most important,
is she a communist?
None of the above. But,
she is a democrat.
- Ugh.
Well, okay. We can work on that.
[Cassanova's mother]
Congratulations, Cassanova.
Thanks.
She sounds wonderful.
So far. Okay?
When can I meet...
- Lola, her
name is Lola. Whenever you want.
Whenever you come up or when she
comes down to visit, I guess.
Okay, wonderful!
She sounds great Ma.
Cass told me all about her.
She's an actress, she's a
teacher.
Oh my goodness, how wonderful!
Miriam's here.
Mommy!
What ever you do,
do not tell Miriam about Lola.
And risk another charming
evening with the lovely Sybil?
No thank you.
No thank you.
Oh Miriam! We've been waiting
for you.
And we've been having such great
conversation.
Were you guys talking about me?
I'm sure you were talking
about me.
You're always talking about me.
Did you forget to take your
paranoia medication
today, Miriam?
We were not talking about you.
There's not enough hours
in the day for that.
- How you doing, Miriam?
- Sure. Whatever.
Hey Miriam, can you believe
I'm gonna be living here again?
Why?
What do you mean 'why',
space head? I told you,
Cass got a lead in mom's soap.
Don't you ever listen to
anybody else's voice
besides the ones in your head.
Oh, yeah. That's nice.
- Don't get too excited now.
I said 'congratulations.'
No. You did not say
'congratulations.'
Did you hear congratulations?
I didn't hear nothing. I didn't
hear 'congratulations' either,
because if I would've heard
'congratulations', ooh.
We would have been like,
congratulations!
Yes! Congratulations!
How uncharacteristically
kind of her!
Congratulations, Cassanova!
There you heard it!
You already said it.
So
I'll say it a million times
because I love you and I'm so
proud of you, baby.
Let me give you a hug.
- No!
Okay, I'm going to freshen up a
bit.
So you girls continue to battle
'til I get back.
Have fun!
I'm gonna go freshen up too.
[Evette] Thanks a lot.
See ya!
- Hello.
- Hello, Lola?
- Cass!
- Hey! What's up, sweetheart?
Is this your mom's number?
Yeah, my cellphone died. How's
it going?
Everything's fine, but I'm
missing you like crazy.
This sucks.
I miss you too, but don't worry,
it's only a few months.
We could talk everyday,
and I could go visit you
every few weeks or so.
Right, and I'll come down
when I have days off.
Yeah.
I love you.
- I love you too.
How's the family?
- They're great.
They totally understood.
Really? What did they say?
You don't own any guayaberas,
do you?
You mean those cool Cuban shirts
with the stitching
down the sides?
I love those shirts.
My dad used to wear them.
That's fine for your Dad, as
long as you never wear them.
That's weird. I just heard a
click on the other end.
What?
Sweet Jesus,
you're not going to believe
what I just heard on the phone.
Lola, I just heard a click on
the other end of the phone.
You were listening to somebody's
conversation on the phone?
What's wrong with you?
- I didn't do it on purpose.
I went to make a phone call
and then I...heard it.
When you pick up the phone
and you hear somebody
else on the other end,
You hang up!
But I didn't.
- Well, you should've.
Shit!
- What? What's happening?
My sister Miriam was listening
to our whole conversation!
So?
- So? I was saying I love you,
I miss you, I wanna jump your
bones.
To a woman! She doesn't
know yet.
I'm hanging up.
- No! No, you wait right there.
Oh God, Lola what am I gonna do?
Tell her I'm your agent.
Okay, so I'm having an affair
with my agent
who's still a WOMAN!
I forgot about that.
Oh, Lord, lordy lord,
you're not going to believe
what I just heard on the phone.
What, for Christ's sake? What?!
Okay. Are you ready?
Because you're going to
freak out when I tell this.
Okay, can you spill it, please?
Our...sister...
our sister...
...is a...
...a le...
...a lesbian!
[mother] Okay, I'm ready!
Mommy!
Shit! I got to go.
I'm jumping into the flames.
Stop, drop, and roll.
You're not going to believe
what I'm going to tell you
about Cassanova!
Shut up. I know already.
Let's go eat.
Fish is great. How's your steak?
- Great!
This wine. What's the name
of this cabernet?
I don't know. Ma, what's the
name of this cabernet?
Nobody tells me anything.
I'm always the last to know
everything.
Of course, you all think
I'm some kind of a retard.
I know what you think.
You think I can't be trusted.
Well, you're the ones who can't
be trusted.
Waiter, can I have
another bottle of this?
Always the black sheep.
Always the black sheep.
Ever since I was a little girl,
everyone's hated me.
This place is really nice, Ma.
Have you been here before?
Yes, yes...
I'm the pimple faced one. I'm
the one who takes medication.
I'm the one who joined the army.
Pass the butter, please.
Thank you.
How could nobody tell me this?
How could I be the last to know?
How come I never--
You know why we don't tell you
anything?
Because of this!
This reaction you're having
right now is not normal!
You're acting like it's the end
of the world!
So what, our sister
is with a woman now.
Big deal!
Waiter, can I have a case of
this wine?
You know what? Maybe I should
try a woman!
If it's too easy and it's no big
deal, maybe I should, right?
All the men I've
been with stink,
so why not give women a try!
Why not? Because you hate
women, Miriam.
You hate men. Oh wait, that's
not right,
you hate everybody!
You kinda have to like people in
order to love them.
Ya know, it's mandatory!
Besides, who says I'm gay?!
Who?!
What did she write?
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not saying any of this
to make you feel any better,
It's kind of nice seeing you all
discombobulated.
I've always loved men.
I will continue to love men.
What I am,
for lack of a better term...
Don't say it!
Some people might
not really get it--
Exactly.
...until they've been through it
themselves.
Don't say it!
But I'm...
...bisexual.
Ah! I need to pee.
- Told you not to say it.
Me too!
Bisexual?
What's the matter with you?
She's our sister, you douche!
Who cares if she's with a woman
now as long as she's happy!
Happiness is not everything, you
know.
What?
What are people going to think?
What people?! You have no
friends!
That's besides the point!
What if she gets some le...
What if she gets some
lesbian disease, huh?
Huh?!
What if she starts going to
those uh...whatchahoosit
clubs on the underground?
- Okay!
If you ever use the word
whatchahoosit ever again,
I'm gonna cease being related to
you.
Well, what do they call those
clubs?
I'm assuming you mean sex clubs?
-Shh! Shh!
Like anybody hasn't been
listening.
What the hell are you
staring at?
You've never seen two sisters
arguing over another sister's
sexuality before?
I just needed more water.
Oh, you need some water?
That's fine, I'll get you water.
You want some water? Here.
Here's some water for you.
Here's your FUCKIN' water.
You're happy now?
Anybody else fuckin' thirsty?
I didn't think so.
I'm leaving.
Freeze!
Not you, you idiot.
You listen to me Miriam.
It's 'the' underground, not
'on' the underground, you dork!
And just in case you missed
that PBS special on STD's,
there are no known diseases
you can get
solely from sleeping
with women,
otherwise, all heterosexual men
would be infected!
Well, I may not understand about
homosexuals or bisexuals,
but what I do know is that
you... you're vulgar!
You're vulgar!
Always have been. You tell me,
which one is worse.
Oh my god, universe, can you
please help me?
Who the hell are you and can I
exchange you without a receipt?
Lilian Canto, is that your
mother?
Shut up!
Gimme the keys, I'm driving!
Excuse me, please.
Can I have your attention,
please for a moment?
Thank you very much.
I would like to apologize
on behalf of my sister.
[man] The bisexual one?
[speaking in Spanish]
You know I was this close to
getting Burn Notice.
I love that show.
Go over there.
That was fun. You were great, as
usual.
So were you, thank you.
Cassanova, we need you in
wardrobe. Scene 23 coming up.
Ok, thanks, I'll be right there.
So you coming to my party
tonight?
I don't know. I'm gonna be so
beat after today.
C'mon Cass, you haven't been to
one of my parties
since we started
working together.
And it's been four months.
[old timey playgirl accent]
I know, and you make it hard
for a girl to say no,
if you know what I mean.
Uh, is that supposed to be
your Mae West impression?
No?
- Maybe?
Just a little--
- Cass, we need
you in wardrobe now.
Okay, okay!
So you coming to my party?
Okay, but only if you dance!
How's this?
Now that's way worse than
my Mae West!
I know. I know. See, I got the
hips and the... I know, I know
I got the hips going-
- No.
Look, I was the Salsa King in
college.
Yeah right, where'd you
go to college, Iowa?
Keep working on it. See ya
tonight.
[dancing noises]
So, you and Jose are a thing,
huh? What?
No!
- What are you doing?
[scoffs awkwardly]
You have to stop doing that.
I don't know what you're doing
but
I just wanna turn around and
look for a horse and carriage.
Cass, I know you and Jose
have a thing for each other.
Subi! We've only gone out a
couple of times.
Seven times.
Seven? He told you seven times?
In two months.
He's keeping count? What are we
in seventh grade?
- Apparently!
You have not even kissed him yet
and it's been seven times!
Alright. Alright.
Enough with the Cassanova Canto
Exposed Report.
I gotta go get ready.
Alright, but you know what, if I
were you,
I'd be tapping that shit.
Yeah, well, it's not you, okay?
He's so hot.
[Latin party music]
[girl 1] I'm doing
cinematography on this movie,
but I used to love
photography.
Especially when I photographed
all the beautiful models!
[voices are becoming distorted]
[girl 2] Oh yeah!
I'd miss that too!
Being surrounded by all those
beautiful women.
What could be better?
What did the male models look
like?
- WHO CARES!
[sounds distorted and devilish]
[girl 1] It's just a
matter of time, baby.
[Lola's voice] You like that
primal, thrusting action,
but once you've been with a
woman,
you'll never go back.
Honey, he can say he's straight
around his women and
the men on the down-low
but eventually, he's gonna have
to admit that he's gay.
Live the life.
But couldn't he be bisexual?
Pobrecita, no!
Bisexuality is the last stop
before Homoville.
[everyone]
One stop to homoville.
Yeah, all the
bisexual people I know
are constantly cheating on
their spouses!
Couldn't he be a bisexual
monogamist?
What the hell is that?
Everyone's bisexual until
they're gay.
They literally
asked me to join them!
[voices are still distorted,
cackling in the background]
It was me and
the two chicks in bed!
It was awesome! C'mon baby,
threesomes rock!
All these hot chicks that are
into women all of a sudden,
It's just 'cause they haven't
found the right guy.
But wait, wait,
what if you love women and men
at the same time?
That's what I mean, babe.
Me and two women
AT THE SAME TIME!
[says in unison with guys]
In the end you wanna be
held by a man.
[everyone] Eventually you
have to choose.
Eventually you have
to choose.
I was wondering where you were.
Are you okay?
Cass?
- Yeah.
What?
- Where you going?
I thought I'd take you to
breakfast
and then to that nice exhibit
you've been wanting to see.
Yeah but I gotta...I gotta work.
It's Sunday.
I mean...
I got a lot of things to do.
I'll see you tomorrow.
[Cassanova] Where the hell were
you last night? Shut up!
Voicemail.
Voicemail.
Hey!
Lola, I was really hoping I
could talk to you this morning.
You never answer your phone.
I really have something
important to tell you.
Where are you?
Hold on a second...
I have to answer the door.
Surprise!
Look at this place. I feel like
a poor kid, adopt me.
Cass! You are so surprised! I
love it!
You didn't know I was coming,
did ya?
No idea.
I was so good. I am not
usually good at this,
but you got to admit, this was
good.
- Too good.
Look at this place! Oh my God,
It's as big as a church
and lord knows I haven't been
there in ages.
Wait, wait, take one.
Resplendent.
How are you, sweetie!
Listen, I only have three days.
I figured, we could make the
most of it.
We could go to the beaches
and just hang out.
I missed you so much.
Ooh, is that your mom?
- I don't know.
Let's go find out.
- She'd have her keys.
Hola!
This is gonna be fun.
Why did you slam the door like
that?
It was a package.
Just leave the package by
the doorstep sir! Thank you!
Cass, what are you talking
about? It's me! Let me in!
Cass, why are you acting so
weird? Just open the door.
Do you know him?
- Yes!
Come on in.
- Thanks.
Hi, I'm Lola, Cass' partner.
I'm Jose. Now before I
tell you who I am,
did you mean partner like in
business or...
No, no, no, no.
Lovers.
No, not business partners.
It's kinda tricky these days.
Yeah, it's even trickier when
you also have a boyfriend.
I'm Cass' boyfriend.
And the Oscar for 'Female In
Most Painfully Awkward,
Yet Utterly Entertaining
Situation' goes to...
I told you to keep quiet.
He's not my boyfriend!
- Oh no?
Well, he seems to disagree.
Cass c'mon, we've been
seeing each other
for a couple of
months now.
[naked man sings] And the grave
digger digs deeper...
Cass, is this true?
How could you do this?
You never told me you were in a
relationship.
Yeah, Cass,
why didn't you tell either one
of them what was going on?
Well, somebody's gonna have to
leave.
Yes, someone should leave.
Pffft, I'm not leaving.
Bye now.
CASS!
Jose, can I talk to you
tomorrow, please?
Fine, but I'm calling you
manana.
Jose!
Fuck Cass, what did you do?!
- I didn't do anything.
Did you cheat on me, with a man?
What?!
Lola, what are you doing? No,
wait.
Please! We can...we can work
this out.
I don't know what happened.
I don't understand it myself.
Sometimes, I can't do this total
gay thing.
Sometimes I miss men.
It's just not the way I'm built.
You know how people say, how can
I come out of the closet?
How can I come out of the
closet, when I've never been in?
Look, what I do know is that I'm
in love with you.
You're the only one I ever
really want to be with,
You're the only person who can
help me through this.
Listen to me Cass, I'm only
gonna say this once.
You are bisexual.
And there's nothing wrong with
it.
You are neither gay
nor straight,
no matter what anybody says.
This is who you are!
You have to get used to it.
Stop caring about all these
labels!
Lola, please!
We need labels! Be realistic!
Otherwise, how would anybody
know what to do with those
little soap balls in the
baskets,
little soap pellets you put
in the bathtub when you...
Shut up, Cass!
Look,
I wanna be monogamous.
I like being in a relationship.
How am I supposed to choose?
The choice is love, Cass.
But that's all over now.
Holy crap, it's my mom.
Just keep it down for a second.
No! Fuck you and fuck the horse
you rode in on! Fuck it all!
Wait, just wait one second,
okay?
Hi Mommy!
Hi Cass!
Just wait one second, please.
Mom, this is Lola.
Lola?
This is Lilia, my mom.
Hi Ms. Canto, it's nice to
finally meet you.
Me too. I am very glad to meet
you.
Cass was telling me everything--
Excuse me, Mrs. Canto,
I'm really sorry,
but I have a plane to catch.
Don't ever call me again!
She's nice.
[Cassanova's mother] Mamita, do
you want to talk about it?
No ma, I just want to be left
alone.
Dinner's ready.
I'm not hungry.
I made croquetas.
Okay, maybe just one.
Good morning!
Thanks.
Jesus, is this economy ever
gonna recover?
I hope so. People are losing
their jobs, left and right.
Thank you.
She's not talking to me, you
know.
She's not talking to me either.
You just got here.
Still.
I miss her so much, Weinstein.
I don't know what to do.
And I know I can't cheat on her
again.
No you can't.
We're perfect for each other,
you know.
We love the same movies, we
laugh at the same things,
You know how hard it is
to find somebody you're
completely compatible with?
Yes, I do.
Love isn't supposed to be this
complicated.
The last time I was in love,
it was so clear, you know, here.
This time,
I'm just as in love, but it's
different.
How so?
Can't you just
answer a question that doesn't
start with a question?
Aren't you getting paid enough?
One answer, Weinstein. Just one.
Okay.
How's this?
I can't help you with the
what happens out there.
All I can do here, without the
distractions from out there,
is help you with what you're
feeling.
Straight, gay, bi,
all of those are just labels
to make people feel safe.
Make 'em try and understand
something they can't or won't
understand.
That's okay.
But in here, you don't need
those labels.
You're always going to be
attracted to people.
Let's just put aside, for a
second
the fact that it's both genders
for you, okay?
You either want to be in a
faithful relationship
or you don't.
Fidelity is a choice.
I think we're gonna have to
continue this next week.
Okay.
But Weinstein,
what am I gonna do?
Just remember what I told you.
Who you are isn't defined by
your sexuality
or by the labels other people
put on you.
In the end, love trumps all of
that.
[Cassanova narrating] So here I
am.
At a crossroads of some sort.
I really love to love, you know.
I've learned, you should never
be afraid to take that leap,
to try something new,
no matter how scary or
unimaginable it seems to be.
No matter what all the sides
think.
You know, an acting teacher
told me once,
you have to take risks on stage,
and even though the choices may
not always be the right ones,
you not only have fun trying,
but in the end,
you always learn something
about the character.
I guess Professor Stewart wasn't
just talking about acting.
David! David!
Hey!
- Hey!
How are you?
- Good, how are you?
You look great.
- So do you.
Thank you.
Look, I'm sorry I talked
your ear off last night.
Oh, that's okay. You had a lot
to say.
Yeah, but two hours? ?
Three.
Listen, I...I...
No, you go ahead.
I just need some time.
She really threw me for a loop,
you know.
And I get that.
Cass, we can take all the time
you need.
I just like being with you.
I just like being with you too.
Good.
Fuck.
Lola!
-Cass.
It's so great seeing you.
- It's great seeing you.
Feels like ages.
You look fantastic.
Well, I feel like hell.
I haven't been sleeping much. I
had these,
roommates
that kept me up all night.
David! David!
Lola, this is David. David, this
is Lola.
Pleasure meeting you.
So you're the famous Lola? - Oh,
I haven't done anything big.
I mainly do theater,
commercials-
No, no. He knows.
I've told him about you.
I hope she didn't give you
the gory details.
No, just the sexy stuff.
David, can you give us a second.
- Oh sure.
Lola, if you wanna
come to lunch with us,
we are just grabbing a
bite.
Oh thanks, David but...
- Just one second, please.
He's cute.
He looks so familiar.
You don't know the half of it.
How long have you been with him?
Not long.
You're living in Hoboken now?
Yeah.
I miss you Lola.
I can't eat. I can't sleep.
I'm miserable.
Cass, you devastated me.
Lola,
I'm truly, truly sorry.
I just wish we could
start over again, ya know.
I admit we did start a little
too quickly.
Too quickly?
Lola, I moved into your place
two weeks after I left my
husband.
Hindu arranged marriages
have more 'get to know
each other time' than we did.
Yeah, but what about him?
Him?
Baby steps?
Lola, baby steps.
C'mon,
I know you're hungry.
David!
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Where have I seen you before?
[continue chatting]
[female narrator] Sex...
Sexuality.
What makes one person attracted
to another?
What is attraction?
Is it emotional?
Is it physical?
or...
a little bit of both.
I used to think you were either
born gay or born straight.
Oops! Sorry!
That's alright, sweetie.
Nowadays, its okay to be what
they call
"sexually fluid".
But what does that actually mean
when it comes to
relationships?
You know, monogamy, commitment.
Can you be a free spirited,
sexually fluid,
pansexual,
bisexual,
metrosexual
monogamist?
Oh and...
also be Latin.
[cat calls in Spanish]
[answers in Spanish]
Holy shit! I thought you were a
gringa!
I don't know.
I just know that...
life is full of
exciting,
unpredictable,
pleasurable
chaos.
That, no book or class or parent
can prepare you for.
You pretty much have to wing it,
and go with your gut.
Always go with your instincts.
Well,
that's what an acting
teacher told me, anyway.
[grunting in distress]
[woman squeals]
[woman laughs]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
I think so. I think so.
Thanks.
Hey, I'm uh, I'm Lola.
Hi, I'm uh
I'm Cassanova.
Thank you.
- Wait a minute.
Hi! I am Cassanova.
"Cassanova"? Wow!
That's a unique name.
Especially for a woman.
Yeah. Well, it's with the
two "s's" though.
You know. Not the one 's'
like the famous lover.
Oh yeah yeah. That is different.
Hey, wait a minute.
Are you in the 80's play?
Uh, yeah. You?
Yeah, I mean that's gonna be
fun.
Ha! But I mean, 80's, ooh!
Been there, done that.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, me too!
I hope they don't need this as a
coat rack,
'cause I think I ruined this
thing.
You know what? Let's get out of
here
before we get busted, okay?
That's a good one.
[Cassanova] So, you weren't
supposed to be in the show?
[Lola] No, but a friend on the
crew said
they were looking for this
character
and they couldn't find her.
So, here I am.
I'm glad.
I read with some of the
people that read for your part,
They were horrible.
Like they couldn't even do a
Queens accent.
They were like,
[stilted fake accent]
"Forget about it."
as opposed to you know,
fuggetaboutid [Brooklyn accent]
"Yo, you talkin' to me? "
"Yeah baby, who else
would I be talkin' to?"
[with accent]
"I grew up in Queens
and I walk my 'dawg'
every morning, to get my cup of
coffee."
We Hobokonites have the same
accent.
So, you are from Hoboken?
Yeah.
Yeah, I live in Jersey too
- the "burbs".
Listen, I gotta go this way.
But I'll see you tomorrow?
Well, you sure you don't want to
grab a bite to eat or something?
Naw, I have a date.
Who is this lucky...person?
My husband.
Oh, you're married!
Yeah. Ten years.
We have a romantic dinner
planned.
Can't miss it.
See ya tomorrow?
See ya tomorrow.
[alarm beeping]
[sighs]
[sighs]
[man] I love you.
I love you too.
See you tomorrow, everyone.
Same time, same place.
[speaking in Spanish]
[sighs]
Excuse me, could you just,
excuse me.
[party music]
[music continues]
Cass?
Cass!
Oh my God! It's so good to see
you.
Hola, chica, how's it going?
I'm gonna come, sit with you.
I don't think there's room
but...
It's alright.
Nice boots, girl.
God, these young girls are big.
Excuse me!
Ooh, I think you lost something.
How are you?
Great!
Oh my God!
I'm great but can you believe
my agent sent me out for this?
I'm gonna kill her.
Why? You'd be perfect.
What? What are you talking
about?
Look around, Evelyn!
I look like the offspring of the
Brady Bunch in this room.
But you're not, okay?
You're a Canto to me,
you're more Latina than most of
these
wanna be Nuyoricans who can
barely speak Spanish.
You know how it is, Evelyn.
Unless you look like
Jennifer Lopez, you're not
Latin.
Why does your agent send--
- Can you please just...
You're not going to get it,
mama, I'm sorry.
Why does your agent send
you out on this kind of stuff?
Tell her that you want more
Anglo-Saxon...
I tell her, I tell her but
she knows I'm Cuban.
You know, but it doesn't matter.
I've been out for everything,
all kinds of roles,
all American wasp, Eastern
European, Latina,
Canadian, Alaskan, Scandinavian,
everything in the book.
Give me a U, give me an S,
give me an A, a, a!
What's that spell?
What's that spell?
No really, what's that spell?
[toy gun drops]
[man] Ouch!
So you think because I am
Russian,
I am a communist?
Well, you are right.
[man] Are you Italian?
[coughing, sputtering]
[laughing]
That happened?
It totally happened.
Oh, that sucks, Cass.
I'm so sorry.
But you know, why do we do it?
I don't know...because we're
freaks?
Freakers are seekers, baby.
That's true.
Alright, so what side do you
have?
Let's see, I am
oh, shocker.
Hooker #1.
She has a fight with her pimp.
That's uh, original,
really original.
I got Hooker #3.
At least we're not up for the
same role.
That's good.
Mine gets beaten and then
questioned by the police.
Good for you.
I wonder who's got Hooker #2.
Don't know. One of these
hookers.
Cassanova Ciantu?
Canto! Right over here.
Wish me luck!
Love you! Be careful.
Nice booty.
You know, I'm a huge
New York Beat cop fan.
I've been trying to get
an audition for years but
my agent actually says
she knows you.
She actually met you at
one of the parties that...
Hi!
I'm just gonna put this down.
[clears throat]
Any questions?
Cassanova?
[offensively exaggerated
Spanish accent] Yeah, um...
was she raped and beatin' first,
before she got high and
'ovadosed', you know,
or was she raped and beatin',
while she got high and then
'ovadosed'? Because you know...
that's stupi', yo!
[Cassanova] Suffice it to say,
they didn't buy me
as a Latina
hooker, but...
they would buy me as an Irish
one.
[Irish accent] Apparently they
think I'd make a better living
on the streets of Dublin,
not Times Square.
How's my Irish accent?
Is it okay?
Better luck next time, Cass.
Yeah, whatever.
What else is going on?
[Cassanova] You asshole!
I'm trying to share something
really important with you
REALLY enlightening.
And all you care about is
how you fit into the picture.
I think I'm not in love with him
anymore.
I don't know how this could
happen. We're...
We're constantly arguing.
Peter, you can't let go of
something that happened
three years ago, and then
nothing.
Maybe I should have cheated on
you too.
We were so in love. It's...
It's crazy.
[Peter] You lied,
and you cheated on me and you
never really apologized for it.
Nev...Never?
Never apologized for it?
Let me see,
where is that freaking
affidavit?
I have written testimony, that I
notarized
stating the numerous, extensive
apologies
that have come out of
this mouth.
C'mon! That's bullshit!
Why is it crazy?
People do fall out of love,
you know?
Yeah, but I thought I'd be with
him for the rest of my life.
I don't think I can do it.
[Peter] I can't believe that
after all--
I'm not gonna rehash this again.
I'm not.
I'm not gonna rehash
this again.
Well, yeah we are. Yes, you are.
You're going to talk about this
until you realize
Oh my God!
There are other ways to torture
someone
that are much more
humane.
[therapist] What can't you do?
Live without him.
We're discussing this.
No.
We are discussing this,
and I'm saying it again,
in a therapist's office.
No more! Not here!
I'm not going to...
I've already told you, I am not
going anywhere, alright?
Peter, c'mon!
Please, just sit down and
listen.
No! You made your bed,
now lie in it.
How's the sex?
In a word--
horrible.
[therapist] Horrible?
Do you two communicate about
that?
Please,
communication has
never been a problem for us.
I told him a hundred times,
he never does anything new,
or anything I suggest.
For the past ten years,
we've been making love the
same-exact-way.
I've introduced food,
costumes,
toys, gadgets,
different places, different
positions,
hands, tongue, mouth.
He's introduced
his penis.
Was it ever any good?
[Cassanova] Well...
I guess when we first started
dating,
yeah it was hot and
heavy, but....
he was never really
physically my type.
What's your type?
Okay,
you know The Rock,
Dwayne Johnson?
That's my type.
Peter?
Not The Rock.
I like tall; he's my height.
I like dark; he's light.
I like strong and muscular; he
had a potbelly by the age of 30.
It sucks.
Why do you think you stay?
Because I did--
I do really love him.
Despite all the sexual mishaps,
I--
he was the only man
who really understood me.
We were so
emotionally and intellectually
compatible.
He got me. You know what I mean?
I do know what you mean.
I think we're gonna need to
continue this
at your next
session.
Sounds good.
Vacation, huh?
Yes.
Sure. Have fun.
How much did that
director love you?
No, he thinks you are great too.
Besides, I'm married.
But he's not.
That's his problem.
What about you, Lola?
Are you married or with someone?
Well, I broke up with someone
recently.
Yeah, Sam and I were together
for about four years.
We lived together and we split
up
a couple of months ago.
Wow, so recently.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine, but it was
rough.
I miss him.
Of course, of course.
You were practically married.
He was your husband.
No. Lovers.
Oh. Okay.
Anyway, he was a douche,
he would drop me
every time I got into a play.
Are you serious? But, you are an
actress.
What'd he expect you to do?
- Quit acting.
So, what did you do?
- Kept acting.
Good girl.
Listen, I uh,
I'd love to talk to you some
more, but
I gotta go.
Okay, I guess, see you tomorrow?
See you tomorrow.
See ya.
Richard, I'm dying.
Girl, you are always dying.
No, Rich, I'm serious.
I'm completely obsessed.
I never felt this way about
anyone
in my seventeen
relationships.
You know, I knew her
the minute I met her.
She's different.
She's it.
It? Honey, she's straight.
I know, but there's something
about her.
I mean, she seems
to be attractive,
but she's not even aware.
She has got to be aware, honey!
Why do you wanna be
treading in that unchartered
wilderness for anyway?
Stick with the village.
What you know!
What about Sara?
She's bi and Lord knows, she's
beautiful.
Yeah, she's beautiful, but
she doesn't have "it".
You know this, this Cassanova
she has it all.
She's so smart and talented.
Oh!
You know she works for morning
radio.
Oh no, I was listening to her
today,
she was so great.
She was funny and--
- Straight.
warm--
- Straight!
And, so beautiful.
- Still straight!
Would you shut up with that.
What the hell are you gonna do
with a straight woman
besides go shopping?
Oh, I can do plenty if she'd let
me.
Oh my God, there she is!
There she is!
How's my hair?
Nighmare on Elm street, right?
Oh my God.
Alright, my make up?
My make up?
My basic face?
What about my lips?
Get my lipstick!
Damn, L.
You would think you'd be
meeting Shakira or somebody.
Oh God. Damn!
It's the wrong shade.
Can you give me yours?
You know I don't carry that shit
with me.
It stays at Lucky Chang's.
I only wear that stuff for my
act.
Now calm down.
You look gorgeous.
If you just fluff up your hair a
little bit,
you got any hairspray
in that trunk of yours?
I forgot the hairspray.
This is the worst.
Honey, this is not the worst.
Mamma here will tell you
about some worst times.
Now, calm down.
Hey Lola! What's up?
I'm starving, can I join you?
Sure, sure.
Cassanova, this is Richard.
Richard, this is Cassanova.
Hi! Pleasure meeting you.
Pleasure to meet you, Cassanova.
I'm starving.
Okay so what were you guys
talking about?
[Cassanova narrating] So for the
next two weeks, we rehearsed.
We were only one of the
one acts in the festival
but, we were the best one.
Lola and I grew very close.
It was really somewhat kismet.
I felt like, I knew her for
centuries.
The fun was non-stop.
Even though, Peter and I
kept arguing.
She kept listening.
She was kind, supportive, wise
and well, fun.
So much fun.
[soft piano music]
[music continues]
[Cassanova] Then, opening night
came.
We hadn't done a line drill,
so we decided to meet
at the coffee shop
to go over our lines
before call.
I can't believe it's opening
night already.
We've only rehearsed for two
weeks. I can't wait.
Yeah, me neither.
Hey listen Cass, I got to tell
you something--
- Hello, ladies!
Can I get you something to
drink?
No, I'll just um,
I'll just have a cup of coffee.
And I will have a diet coke.
Sure thing. Coming right up.
He's cute.
Yeah, yeah. He's cute.
Listen, Cass,
uh, I got to tell you something.
It's kinda personal.
I got to tell you before Sara
gets here.
- Sure, sure hon,
you know you can tell me
anything.
Are your parents okay?
Yeah, they're fine.
It's just that um...
I should've told you this
a couple of weeks ago,
in the beginning.
[phone rings]
One second.
Hold that thought. Sara?
Yeah, I have a pair.
Only one?
Sure.
Bye, bye.
It was Sara.
She wanted to know if I had
an extra pair of lace gloves
for the Madonna scene.
Yeah, that's nice. That's nice.
That's nice?
Jeez, Lola, what's going on?
Here you go, ladies.
Thank you.
-Enjoy your coffee.
I will.
Cass--
Lola, check this out.
This guy gave me his number.
Call me sometime so I can
give you some "real" service.
I can't believe this
I get more action married
than when I was single.
Cass
Can I call you Cass?
Only my really good friends call
me Cass.
you know, so...
Cass, I'm bisexual and
Sam is really Samantha.
[Cassanova narrating] Okay,
right now you should be seeing
a light bulb over my head!
You see it?!
Okay, maybe you don't.
But it's there!
Don't ask me right now why
because,
I don't know.
But for a split second,
there was a flash.
And?
"And"?
I just told you that I was into
women also
and that I lied to you about
Samantha who I've been in a
relationship with
for four years.
We live-- why aren't you
surprised?
I don't know.
I'm just not.
What I am surprised about
is the fact that you didn't
tell me sooner.
I mean, I thought we were
friends.
I'm sorry. It's just that you
know,
people judge you when they hear
you are a little different.
Oh, you're different alright.
But it has nothing to do with
your sexuality.
"This"
actually makes you normal.
Shut up! I'm sorry, really.
I mean, if you have to
worry about anybody
treating you differently
because of part of who you are,
then the sooner you can
get rid of them.
It's a good way to narrow down
the good friends
from the crappy ones.
You are right. You are
absolutely right.
Oh God, I feel like such a great
weight has been lifted
off my shoulder.
You have no idea.
Can't believe you think I would
treat you differently or
change my attitude towards you
just because
you're a rugmuncher.
Great! Epithets!
So you like a little
something, something
muffin with your
sausage in the morning.
I'm starting to regret
having told you.
Cass, is my hair high enough?
High enough?
Lola, it's an edifice.
You've got Empire State
Building, Sears Tower
Lola's Hair!
Places everyone!
Fuacata!
- Break a leg, gorgeous.
You too, sexy thing.
[funky dance music]
Oh my God!
They loved it.
They totally loved it.
We were pretty funny.
Are you kidding me, hon'!
You were hysterical!
You're so easy to play with.
- I know. I am pretty amazing.
Listen Cass, what are you doing
tonight?
I don't know, I got to see
what Peter wants to do.
Oh 'cause there's this really
great party that I am going to
I think would be terrific,
if you wanted to come with.
Sure, I just gotta see what
Peter wants to do.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
Well, it's...it's not your
average party.
Oh no? What kind of party is it?
It's at a lesbian club. It's an
all girl party,
but there's always a lot of
mixed couples there.
Okay.
That's totally cool.
I'm sure Peter won't mind.
Besides, you know straight guys.
Oh, I do know straight guys.
[electronic dance music]
[Cassanova] This place is great!
Have you been here before?
Yeah, yeah, a couple of times.
One of my friends works here.
What can I get you to drink?
First round is on the house.
Thanks! I'll have a vodka
martini with olives, dirty.
Peter?
I'll have a rum and Coke,
thanks.
Rum & Coke, okay.
Are you still hooked on her?
There's no way I'm getting
unhooked.
Well, you better sweetie.
She's absolutely straight.
She has a husband, for God's
sake.
I know, but I sense something.
I don't know, maybe it's wishful
thinking.
Maybe?! It is!
You know what Richard,
I am serious.
We have a definite
connection.
Besides, she's not
happy with him.
That doesn't mean she
will be happy with a woman.
Well, I know. But one can always
dream, can't one?
[both laugh]
You were great tonight, honey.
- Thanks, babe.
Lola's really easy to work with.
You know I really like her.
Oh yeah, I do too.
But I definitely like you more.
[both laugh]
Maybe she's not straight, but at
worst, she's bi.
Maybe she's into you and doesn't
know it.
You think?
Maybe not.
Give me the damn spritzer!
I'm going to the bar to get a
drink. You want something?
Yeah, another rum and Coke.
Thanks, babe.
Do you want a drink?
- I don't drink anymore.
Huh?
- No.
There she is.
Well, have fun.
Working the room, huh?
I see you're keeping yourself
occupied.
Oh, I wasn't expecting you.
Yeah, of course you weren't.
So, where's Peter?
Checking out the scene.
He's a, he's a really terrific
guy.
Yeah, he really liked you in the
play.
Oh, great, great.
Richard! I need another drink,
please.
Vodka martini, dirty with olives
and a rum and Coke.
You,
can really dance.
You don't know how much I wish
we could dance together.
Who says we can't?
[dance music]
Baby it's getting late,
maybe we should get going.
Yeah,
it's getting late. I'm a little
tired.
I'll go get our coats.
- Okay, thanks.
So...you got your dance.
I sure did.
Lola, can I ask you a question?
- Sure. Anything.
It's kinda personal and if
I don't ask you now,
I probably never will.
Go ahead.
What would you say if
a straight friend wanted to kiss
you?
If that straight friend was you
I would say, 'Thank you, Lord! '
Praise Jesus!
I'm sorry.
I cant' believe it's 3 AM
already.
I know, wow, the night flew.
So...when am I gonna get that
kiss?
Lola, you can't get it now.
Why not?
- Why not?!
C'mon, just a quick little kiss;
Peter won't even notice.
No! No way, I can't.
I won't be able to sleep
if you don't kiss me goodnight.
What the hell was that?
Oh, you can do much better.
Yes. I can.
But not here.
C'mon, let's go; it's hot in
here.
Yeah.
Listen Cass, I got to tell you
something.
It's okay.
I know what you're gonna say.
I think I feel the same way too.
This is ridiculous.
I can't believe how giddy I
feel.
By the same token, I...I...
it's rough for me.
I know your situation.
I know.
Why don't we just go with the
feeling?
For now.
Here you go, ladies.
What a great night, huh?
[falls on piano keys]
Hello, Lola? It's Cassanova.
How are you feeling?
I didn't sleep a wink all night.
Fabulous!
Yeah, me too. Listen,
I have to see you today.
We have to talk.
Can we meet for a lunch or
something?
Maybe before the matinee?
At the coffee shop?
Sure. About noon?
Yeah, that's perfect.
Okay. See you then.
See you then.
Oh, Lola?
- Yeah?
I still owe you that kiss.
Yeah, you do.
See you later.
- Bye.
Bye.
RICHARD!
[upbeat rock music]
I'm so sorry. I'm late.
Have you been waiting long?
No, I just got here.
Excuse me, ma'am.
You told me to let you know when
it was past twelve. It is 12:20.
Thank you.
Run along now.
I'm so sorry. I live really far.
Did you order anything?
- No.
I'm not even hungry, which is,
which is weird because I'm
usually starving by this time.
Are you lovely ladies ready to
order?
You know what? I'll just have
some coffee.
And some eggs.
Scrambled.
Whole grain toast, just a little
bit of butter.
and Greek yogurt,
do you have Greek yogurt?
Greek yogurt. With a little bit
of granola sprinkled.
Some berries, too. Some uh,
blueberries.
I'm allergic to strawberries.
Cross-contamination.
Are you expecting anyone else,
or...
Okay, so that's it. Okay.
I'll have the same.
All of it?
Okie dokie. Coming right up.
I can't believe you called me
today.
I can't believe I did either.
Jesus! I feel like a teenager
and for me that's going a ways.
Me too.
Here's your coffee.
'The best part of waking up'
because there's... 'Folger's in
your cup.'
Let me know if you need anything
else.
Listen Cass, I'm just gonna
come right out and say this.
I'm not going to waste time on
games or double talk.
Because I'm too told for that.
I've been in so many
relationships,
that I really should know what I
want and--
Well, this...is big for me.
I mean...I'm gonna say it.
You could be air to breathe for
me.
I could be with you for the rest
of my life.
Whoa!
That's intense.
My God! I'm such an idiot.
It's too soon.
You're married. We just met.
I wanna throw up.
Your eggs!
Oh Jeez, I'm not even hungry.
Neither am I.
I shouldn't have said anything.
No, you should've.
It's what you are feeling.
But--
- I'm glad you said it.
But your reaction--
My reaction was what it is.
That is intense, but it doesn't
mean
I don't totally appreciate it
and
really love it.
Love it? Would you be my
girlfriend?
What?
Well, I don't know. Do you wanna
have my pin and go to a drive in
movie for an ice cream soda?
What is this Happy Days -
Lesbian style?
I don't know what I'm saying.
Listen to me,
I don't know what I'm gonna do
about my marriage
'Cause it ended long before I
met you.
I can't cheat on him because
I love him too much for that.
I...I just need time.
It's kinda weird, this situation
being with a woman. It's weird.
Can we just take it slow...for
now.
I'm gonna be crushed.
What? Don't say that.
What if right before
you've been crushed,
you had the time of
your life?
I still would have been crushed.
But it would have all been worth
it.
Obviously, you have never been
crushed.
We're gonna be late.
- Yeah c'mon, let's go.
We didn't even touch our food.
- I am still not hungry.
I am!
But not for food.
[Cassanova narrating]
What kind of corny ass shit
is that to say!
Jesus Christ, when the hell am I
gonna kiss her?
You know, I still owe you that
kiss.
I know.
What am I, 12?
What are you so nervous about?
So what, she's a woman!
Kissing someone is kissing
someone.
When will you ever get a chance
like this?
Okay, let me think.
When am I going to be able to do
this?
I wonder what kind of a crowd
we're gonna have today?
Okay! That's it, NOW!
Cass, hold on a second,
hold on a second.
What?! I told you I owed you
that kiss.
I know and although this is all
very sexy and everything,
I just need a moment to recover
from this concussion.
Sorry.
No problem.
Now call 911.
[party blower]
Guess what, honey?
I got the job in Miami!
I'll be a professor at the
University of Miami!
Can you believe it?
My dream job!
I'll end up where I
started in Miami,
but I'll be with my family
and friends,
this is too good to be true;
we can buy a house,
we can have our kids--
I'm not going to Miami.
You could get a job on one
of your mom's soaps,
great weather, we can go to the
beach whenever you want to--
What do you mean you're not
going to Miami?
Just what I said, Peter.
You know, I'm so happy for you.
I am ecstatic. That's awesome.
Fantastic, fantastic. But
I'm not going to Miami;
I hate Miami.
Oh, you don't hate Miami.
Peter, don't tell me what I like
or don't like.
I never liked Miami
and you know it.
But it's my dream job!
- Yes, yes.
Yes, it's your dream job, but
not mine.
Besides, there's not guarantee
that my mom can get me job on
one of her soaps.
What am I supposed to do here?
I can't get a job here.
Well, I have a job. As a matter
of fact, I have two jobs.
Oh yeah, right.
Waking up at 3:30
in the morning everyday
to report on the
traffic news.
How will they ever get around
without you?
And the black box theater? Ooh!
C'mon Cass, when are you
going to
let go of this acting thing
and start a family?
When am I going to let go of
this acting thing?
Who the hell are you and what
have you done with my husband?
Peter, you know I have been
acting forever.
Way before we met
and I will continue to act.
Okay?
And besides, macho man,
when are you going to let go of
this 'teacher thing'?
Why is it that I have to let go
of anything?
Why is your job more important
than mine?
C'mon Cass, I didn't mean it
like that.
- Yes, you did.
What the hell do you want me to
do? I can't turn down this job.
You do what you have to do.
[sighs]
There's nothing for me in Miami.
- But what are we going to do?
You're my wife.
Peter...
I think we should talk about
this marriage
and the direction
it's headed.
[Peter sighs]
What are you saying?
[sighs heavily]
I want a divorce.
No. Okay? No.
[laughs] No.
- Peter.
- No.
- Listen.
- No.
No! No! NO! NO!!!
Peter, we've been arguing
non-stop for two years.
What kind of marriage is this?!
I still love you, Cass! How can
you do this?
We were supposed to spend
the rest of our lives together!
I know, Peter. I still love you
too, but
I think I'm not "in" love with
you anymore. I'm sorry.
Why?
Why? I don't know why?
Because these things happen
sometimes!
People fall out of love
everyday.
Is it the sex?
[Exhales stressfully]
[loud awkward moaning]
[awkward moaning continues]
We haven't had sex in like two
months.
That's because my feelings
are changing, Peter.
There's something else going on.
There's something that you're
not telling me.
Why can't your ego just believe
that I don't feel the same
anymore?
Look, I know there's something
else. I just know it.
Okay, okay.
If you have to know,
you have to know.
You're my best friend,
right?
You'll probably find out anyway.
There's someone else; I knew it.
I knew it!
Who is it?
I'm gonna fucking kill him. That
fucking creep!
Is it that director you're
working with?
I'll just fucking kill him!
I've seen the way he looks
at you.
Don't think that you're
putting one over me.
No! It's not the director!
- Then who is it?!
C'mon! Spit it out.
Who is he?!
It's not a he.
What?!
It's not...
a he.
What do you mean
'it's not a 'he? '
What the hell
does that mean?
It means
it's a she.
Cass, what are you saying?
What do you think I'm saying?
What? Are you telling me that--
Are you fucking lesbian?
Ssh, keep your freaking voice
down!
It's bad enough they have to
listen to all our arguments,
now you're outing me
to the whole neighborhood?
I'm gonna have a nervous
breakdown.
What the hell is
going on?
Cass, you're NOT a lesbian.
I know, I know.
I don't understand it myself.
It's just...these feelings all
of a sudden--
- What? What feelings?
Well,
you know Lola, right?
Yeah, I-- oh my God, you're
having an affair with Lola.
No, no, no. I'm not having an
affair.
Listen to me, Peter. I'm not
having an affair.
That's why I'm telling you this
because
I don't want to
cheat on you Peter,
and I want to end this
relationship with integrity.
Integrity? Is there integrity in
telling me that
all of a sudden,
now you're gay?
Will you stop thinking in
such black and white terms!
For someone with a Ph.d.,
you are so completely ignorant!
So, what is it then? What is it?
I have no idea.
Look, you think
this is easy for me?
I have a million things going on
in my head and
I'm all mixed up.
What I do know,
is that
our relationship ended long
before I met Lola.
You must have seen this coming.
You can be sure of the fact that
I did not see this coming.
Peter, I still love you. No, you
don't. You don't love me.
If you would love me,
you wouldn't be doing this.
How can you do this, Cass?
After all these years,
how can you do this.
Peter, I don't have all the--
I don't have all the answers.
What I do know is that
I have these feelings
I have to go with.
I can't suppress them.
I have to be true to myself.
What about being true to me,
Cass?
This isn't about you.
Of course not,
it's always been about you.
Peter, where are you going?
Wait one second! Can't we just
finish this conversa--
So, he just left?
- Yeah,
he was pretty much in shock
when he thought I might be
with a woman.
Might?
Lola, I don't know what's going
on.
This is so crazy. I have this
massive crush on you, yet
I never really thought of
being with a woman, in that way.
Well, neither did I, until I
did.
I don't know, everybody has
their own experience, but for me
I loved men for a long time.
I loved their bodies, the sex
was great,
but then I found I wasn't
connecting with them anymore,
emotionally.
And I found I was connecting
more with women.
It just evolved into a romantic
thing.
It never started as a physical
attraction.
Yeah, but I have had
emotional connections with men.
Still do. Deep ones.
I just never thought of a woman
sexually.
Except in some crazy
fantasy in my head
where there's this
orgy going on
and everybody's having anonymous
sex with everybody, right?
And it's awesome.
But it's not real.
No,
I never thought of sex
with a woman
in a serious, conscious way.
[man] What do you think you're
doing?
What happened? Are you okay?
Who the hell are you?
Are you okay? Your face.
You look like you've just seen a
ghost.
He's too hot to be a ghost.
Lola?
Let me ask you a quick question,
aren't ghosts supposed to be all
decomposed and uh
decrepit looking?
And all messed up?
Like the way they die.
Like in the Sixth Sense.
When she opened up the cabinets
and you saw the
back of the head.
She opened up the cabinets
and you saw the hole.
Cass, what the hell are you
talking about?
Are you gonna tell her I'm here?
- Shut up!
I didn't say anything.
- No, not you. Listen,
I'll explain everything
tomorrow.
I have to go.
[naked man and Lola in unison]
Do you wanna talk about this?
I know you may be a little
freaked out. [still in unison]
Oh my God, what's happening to
me? This is insane!
No, no, you're not insane.
You are just discovering things
about yourself
you didn't know were there.
You can say that again.
- Will you get out of here!
This is my apartment.
No, not you.
Listen, honey,
we have to talk about this.
You don't have to leave all
freaked out.
Lola, I'll explain everything...
everything tomorrow.
Okay? I got to go.
Yeah, but Cass, I'm worried
about you.
This is a big step for you
but I want you to know that
everything is gonna be okay.
I've been through this myself.
Oh no you haven't.
[grunts]
That was freaky.
You're telling me!
[horn honks]
I had to sit through
all that making out.
Oh my God!
What the hell are you doing in
my car?
What the hell am I doing
talking to
an imaginary guy
who's totally naked!
[exhales]
Oh my God! Okay, okay, okay.
Okay. Okay. O k a y.
Let me think.
That's not gonna work.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, I'm a schizophrenic
lesbian!
Could there be anything worse?!
I wouldn't start driving, if I
were you.
- Shut up!
I'll do what I wanna do!
- Alright. I'm just saying.
You're not a lesbian,
by the way.
What do I have to do to
make you shut up?!
You're not schizophrenic either.
There's a reason I'm here.
Okay. Okay, okay.
What possible reason
could I have for putting you
here--
ignore him, Cass, just ignore
him!
Okay, that was a little
schizophrenic.
Oh my God.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay!
Let me humor this whole insane
situation.
Who are you and
why are you in my head?
Isn't it obvious?
[honks horn]
Okay, not only do I have a
naked guy who's
apparently, a figment of my
imagination,
but he's also the Dalai Lama!
WHAT...is obvious?
Nothing about what's
happening right now is obvious!
Now, would you put some
clothes on, for Christ's sake!
Put your seat belt on.
What happened?
If at first you don't succeed...
That was amazing.
You are incredible.
Yeah,
yeah, me. Me too.
Amazing.
Cass, what are you doing?
What's up?
Um...
Nothing.
Nothing.
Oh yeah, that actually,
that was amazing.
I never thought sex with a
woman could be that hot.
Well, it does depend on your
partner if you know what I mean.
You know, you do everything I
wish a man would do
but...better.
You know what I can do
that no man can do?
What?
I can go on and on...
The energizer bunny never looked
so good.
[casual music]
[music continues]
SEXUALITY, IS IT IN YOUR HEAD
OR IN YOUR GROIN
I'm in love with a woman.
Okay.
I know, I know, I've only been
with men, how can I be gay--
You're not necessarily gay--
- but it's amazing!
We are so compatible in every
way.
Have you ever felt that?
I feel like I've known her
in another life or something.
Ah, and the sex! Weinstein,
the sex is through the roof.
You haven't told her about me?
Because I've been trying to
ignore you for weeks.
You should've been gone by now.
Why would you ignore me? I told
you I was going on vacation,
you postponed for the last two
months.
I wasn't-- I wasn't talking to
you.
Who were you talking to?
You're gonna laugh.
What is so funny?
I didn't think I'd have to
mention this to you
because I thought he'd be
gone by now, but
every now and then
[mutters]
I'm sorry, you see a what?
A naked guy!
- A naked guy?
I know he's all in my head
but he just...he just pops up
at the most inappropriate
moments.
Is he here now?
Oh yeah.
Letting it all hang out.
You're loving this, aren't you?
In my bedroom,
in my therapist's office,
in my shower--
you have some nerve.
Are you talking to him right
now?
Weinstein, I know he's all in my
head.
I know I'm not crazy but- but-
there he is!
As plain as day,
Naked. Muscular.
Looking as beautiful as ever.
I need a drink, damn it.
Why haven't you told her about
me?
- Why should I?
Okay, you know this is getting
kind of weird. So,
why don't you just tune out
everything else that you might
be perceiving in the world,
alright?
And you just focus in on me.
If you saw what he looked like,
you wouldn't be asking me
to do that.
Just, do it!
- Okay.
So, when do you you see him?
All the time.
Especially when I'm in bed
with Lola.
That's her name,
the woman I'm
having a relationship with now.
So, he shows up
when you're making love
with your female lover.
Now you're expressing your
emotions about her again
and in this very intimate
setting,
and there he is again.
Ah. She's good.
Weinstein, I know what you're
getting at.
I minored in psychology in
college
and I've analyzed enough
characters in scripts to,
no offense,
be a therapist myself.
What am I getting at?
I have no idea.
You know what she's getting at.
Oh my god, how could someone
so gorgeous be so annoying!
Okay, focus.
- Look, I...
Weinstein, I don't feel well.
I need some air.
I'll see you tomorrow. I uh...
our time is almost up, right?
Alright, we're picking up where
we left off.
We need to talk
about the naked guy!
You have got to stop doing that.
Why didn't you want to talk
about me Cass?
Alright, let's do this!
Right here.
In the middle of the park, in
the middle of the day.
Bring it on.
Why don't you wanna
talk about me?
Because it's hard okay.
How can I love this woman so
passionately and still want men?
Because you're bisexual.
Okay, okay, alright already.
So what if I am?
How do I stop the--
the natural urge of wanting to
be with men
when I'm with a woman?
- You don't!
Are you suggesting I cheat on
Lola?
I'm not suggesting anything.
-Right!
I'm suggesting it!
I feel like a closet
heterosexual.
How do you mean?
- I don't know.
If I'm having a relationship
with a woman, doesn't that mean
I'm not supposed to be into men
anymore?
Not necessarily.
I guess, what I'm really asking
is
how can you be bisexual
and still be monogamous?
[unintelligible Kung Fu noises]
Hello? One second.
[screaming]
Yeah. Yeah, this is she.
Aha.
What?
Are you kidding me?
Yes! Absolutely,
absolutely.
Thank you. Thank you, so much!
I got the part.
- What?
Lola, I got the part!
I got the part
as the lead in the Spanish soap.
Oh my God! That is amazing.
I'm so excited.
You are gonna be a star! I can't
believe how excited I am.
Oh God!
- What's the matter?
I'm gonna lose you, I know--
- No!
I can't believe I meet the love
of my life
and I'm losing you to stardom.
No!
- Oh my God. Oh my--
What's the matter?
Have a seat, please.
I can't breathe.
Hurry, get me a bag.
What are you trying to do?
Save me or kill me?
You said get you a bag?
A paper bag! To breathe into!
Does that even work?
- I don't know, I just need air.
Calm down.
- Oh, Cass!
What are we gonna do?
How are we gonna make this last?
You know long distance
relationships never work
and I love you so much.
I love you too, Lola.
And nothing's ever gonna change
that.
Listen, we'll visit each other
every month,
talk on the phone
everyday,
and by the time you know it,
I'm back.
You know Spanish soaps, they
shoot for seven or eight months;
it's like a year long
miniseries,
except with lots of nudity
and a baby being left
on the church steps... What?
Seven or eight months?!
Are you going to be happy for me
or what?
- I am, I am. Yay!
[alternating cheering and
crying]
Have you told Peter, yet?
- Ugh, Peter? No way!
He doesn't want to have anything
to do with me.
I may call him though, just to
rub it in.
He's not gonna believe I got a
job in Miami.
That's where he wanted
both of us to end up.
Chock full of irony, isn't it?
- Totally.
So,
are you seeing anyone?
God sis, you don't waste any
time do you?
Going right for the good stuff.
What could be more exciting than
sex?
Hmm, you got a point there.
Well,
I am seeing someone, but
it's in the early stages,
and we really don't want
anyone to know yet.
What do you mean,
you don't want anyone to know?
What's the big secret?
What are you dating, Batman?
No,
more like
Catwoman?
You are dating a transvestite?
Thank god this trip is only two
hours--
no you weirdo, I'm not dating a
transvestite.
I'm dating...I'm dating a
female.
A female what?
A female kangaroo,
What do you think I'm dating?!
A female human being!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
What the hell are you smiling
about?
It's all good, Cass.
- What?
I just didn't think you had it
in you.
Me?
I live on the edge, baby.
On the precipice of life.
Besides, sorry to disappoint you
sis, but I am a free spirit.
I go where the wind takes me.
I flow, baby. I flow!
-Yeah, you're flowing alright.
I just didn't think you were the
sexually experimental type.
That's cause you know nothing
about my sex life.
Uh, what sex life? The boring
one you had with your husband?
Or the one you've been
fantasizing about for ages?
The point is Evette, I'm with a
woman.
She's incredible.
Plus, I bet you can't say
the same thing for yourself.
I've done both sexes--
- Don't be so sure.
I've had relationships
with both-- What?
Evette Manconi, you've been with
a woman?
Well, I haven't exactly been
with a woman.
No, no, no, you've either been
with one or you haven't.
Now, which is it?
Details! I want details!
- I am trying to tell you.
Listen.
I was 20 years old. It was my
sophomore year in college.
Did I have the purple hair then?
I don't know, was that the year
you only dressed in purple too?
Yes! Okay, listen,
sophomore year in college,
twenty years old, purple hair
and I...
kissed my best friend.
- Oh my God!
Did I know her?
No, she was totally goth
and didn't like being
introduced to other people.
So, I kissed my best friend
and we...
slept together.
Almost!
That's it?
You almost slept together?
That is truly the worst lesbian
escapade I have ever heard
in my entire life.
What are you talking about? We
were attracted to each other.
She kissed me.
But you didn't go all the way.
That doesn't count.
What do you mean it doesn't
count? It was exciting.
I mean, I wasn't
into it after that,
but I'm telling you,
it was thrilling.
You're pathetic, you know that?
Do me a favor,
don't tell anyone that story.
It'll shock them into boredom.
No, no, we didn't have any
clothes on. Do you understand?
No clothes!
Big whoop, nudity with
no labial action doesn't count.
We were drinking and smoking.
She wanted to continue.
Are you kidding me?
Inebriation?!
Everyone's gay after two drinks.
Everybody knows that!
[Evette] You think you can help
me out, here?
[laughing]
Can you believe
he said that to me?!
I wanted to kick him
in his balls!
[Cassanova]
So why didn't you?
Because! Joe wouldn't let me.
He was afraid the guy would
go after him.
Oh my God!
That reminds me of
another story.
- Which one?
The one about the transvestite.
Oh, I have a wonderful story
about--
- Not now, Ma. Not now.
[speaking in Spanish]
No ma, it's not that.
It's just that...
I have something important
to tell you.
Yes?
Well...
It's sort of...
you see...
I'm kinda--
- She's kinda in love
with a woman.
Evette!
- What?
And?
And...
that's it.
That kind of news doesn't need
an 'and' Mommy.
That's definitely the end of a
sentence.
Well...
Well, what? Are you okay?
I'm thinking.
You know English is not
as easy as Spanish for me. So...
Speak in Spanish, Ma!
What are you translating for the
United Nations?
We speak Spanish too.
[speaking in Spanish]
Okay, here it is:
Do you love her?
Yeah.
Does she love you?
Yeah. At least she tells me so.
Does she love Cuban food?
Almost more than me.
Does she where guayaberas,
smoke cigars and most important,
is she a communist?
None of the above. But,
she is a democrat.
- Ugh.
Well, okay. We can work on that.
[Cassanova's mother]
Congratulations, Cassanova.
Thanks.
She sounds wonderful.
So far. Okay?
When can I meet...
- Lola, her
name is Lola. Whenever you want.
Whenever you come up or when she
comes down to visit, I guess.
Okay, wonderful!
She sounds great Ma.
Cass told me all about her.
She's an actress, she's a
teacher.
Oh my goodness, how wonderful!
Miriam's here.
Mommy!
What ever you do,
do not tell Miriam about Lola.
And risk another charming
evening with the lovely Sybil?
No thank you.
No thank you.
Oh Miriam! We've been waiting
for you.
And we've been having such great
conversation.
Were you guys talking about me?
I'm sure you were talking
about me.
You're always talking about me.
Did you forget to take your
paranoia medication
today, Miriam?
We were not talking about you.
There's not enough hours
in the day for that.
- How you doing, Miriam?
- Sure. Whatever.
Hey Miriam, can you believe
I'm gonna be living here again?
Why?
What do you mean 'why',
space head? I told you,
Cass got a lead in mom's soap.
Don't you ever listen to
anybody else's voice
besides the ones in your head.
Oh, yeah. That's nice.
- Don't get too excited now.
I said 'congratulations.'
No. You did not say
'congratulations.'
Did you hear congratulations?
I didn't hear nothing. I didn't
hear 'congratulations' either,
because if I would've heard
'congratulations', ooh.
We would have been like,
congratulations!
Yes! Congratulations!
How uncharacteristically
kind of her!
Congratulations, Cassanova!
There you heard it!
You already said it.
So
I'll say it a million times
because I love you and I'm so
proud of you, baby.
Let me give you a hug.
- No!
Okay, I'm going to freshen up a
bit.
So you girls continue to battle
'til I get back.
Have fun!
I'm gonna go freshen up too.
[Evette] Thanks a lot.
See ya!
- Hello.
- Hello, Lola?
- Cass!
- Hey! What's up, sweetheart?
Is this your mom's number?
Yeah, my cellphone died. How's
it going?
Everything's fine, but I'm
missing you like crazy.
This sucks.
I miss you too, but don't worry,
it's only a few months.
We could talk everyday,
and I could go visit you
every few weeks or so.
Right, and I'll come down
when I have days off.
Yeah.
I love you.
- I love you too.
How's the family?
- They're great.
They totally understood.
Really? What did they say?
You don't own any guayaberas,
do you?
You mean those cool Cuban shirts
with the stitching
down the sides?
I love those shirts.
My dad used to wear them.
That's fine for your Dad, as
long as you never wear them.
That's weird. I just heard a
click on the other end.
What?
Sweet Jesus,
you're not going to believe
what I just heard on the phone.
Lola, I just heard a click on
the other end of the phone.
You were listening to somebody's
conversation on the phone?
What's wrong with you?
- I didn't do it on purpose.
I went to make a phone call
and then I...heard it.
When you pick up the phone
and you hear somebody
else on the other end,
You hang up!
But I didn't.
- Well, you should've.
Shit!
- What? What's happening?
My sister Miriam was listening
to our whole conversation!
So?
- So? I was saying I love you,
I miss you, I wanna jump your
bones.
To a woman! She doesn't
know yet.
I'm hanging up.
- No! No, you wait right there.
Oh God, Lola what am I gonna do?
Tell her I'm your agent.
Okay, so I'm having an affair
with my agent
who's still a WOMAN!
I forgot about that.
Oh, Lord, lordy lord,
you're not going to believe
what I just heard on the phone.
What, for Christ's sake? What?!
Okay. Are you ready?
Because you're going to
freak out when I tell this.
Okay, can you spill it, please?
Our...sister...
our sister...
...is a...
...a le...
...a lesbian!
[mother] Okay, I'm ready!
Mommy!
Shit! I got to go.
I'm jumping into the flames.
Stop, drop, and roll.
You're not going to believe
what I'm going to tell you
about Cassanova!
Shut up. I know already.
Let's go eat.
Fish is great. How's your steak?
- Great!
This wine. What's the name
of this cabernet?
I don't know. Ma, what's the
name of this cabernet?
Nobody tells me anything.
I'm always the last to know
everything.
Of course, you all think
I'm some kind of a retard.
I know what you think.
You think I can't be trusted.
Well, you're the ones who can't
be trusted.
Waiter, can I have
another bottle of this?
Always the black sheep.
Always the black sheep.
Ever since I was a little girl,
everyone's hated me.
This place is really nice, Ma.
Have you been here before?
Yes, yes...
I'm the pimple faced one. I'm
the one who takes medication.
I'm the one who joined the army.
Pass the butter, please.
Thank you.
How could nobody tell me this?
How could I be the last to know?
How come I never--
You know why we don't tell you
anything?
Because of this!
This reaction you're having
right now is not normal!
You're acting like it's the end
of the world!
So what, our sister
is with a woman now.
Big deal!
Waiter, can I have a case of
this wine?
You know what? Maybe I should
try a woman!
If it's too easy and it's no big
deal, maybe I should, right?
All the men I've
been with stink,
so why not give women a try!
Why not? Because you hate
women, Miriam.
You hate men. Oh wait, that's
not right,
you hate everybody!
You kinda have to like people in
order to love them.
Ya know, it's mandatory!
Besides, who says I'm gay?!
Who?!
What did she write?
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not saying any of this
to make you feel any better,
It's kind of nice seeing you all
discombobulated.
I've always loved men.
I will continue to love men.
What I am,
for lack of a better term...
Don't say it!
Some people might
not really get it--
Exactly.
...until they've been through it
themselves.
Don't say it!
But I'm...
...bisexual.
Ah! I need to pee.
- Told you not to say it.
Me too!
Bisexual?
What's the matter with you?
She's our sister, you douche!
Who cares if she's with a woman
now as long as she's happy!
Happiness is not everything, you
know.
What?
What are people going to think?
What people?! You have no
friends!
That's besides the point!
What if she gets some le...
What if she gets some
lesbian disease, huh?
Huh?!
What if she starts going to
those uh...whatchahoosit
clubs on the underground?
- Okay!
If you ever use the word
whatchahoosit ever again,
I'm gonna cease being related to
you.
Well, what do they call those
clubs?
I'm assuming you mean sex clubs?
-Shh! Shh!
Like anybody hasn't been
listening.
What the hell are you
staring at?
You've never seen two sisters
arguing over another sister's
sexuality before?
I just needed more water.
Oh, you need some water?
That's fine, I'll get you water.
You want some water? Here.
Here's some water for you.
Here's your FUCKIN' water.
You're happy now?
Anybody else fuckin' thirsty?
I didn't think so.
I'm leaving.
Freeze!
Not you, you idiot.
You listen to me Miriam.
It's 'the' underground, not
'on' the underground, you dork!
And just in case you missed
that PBS special on STD's,
there are no known diseases
you can get
solely from sleeping
with women,
otherwise, all heterosexual men
would be infected!
Well, I may not understand about
homosexuals or bisexuals,
but what I do know is that
you... you're vulgar!
You're vulgar!
Always have been. You tell me,
which one is worse.
Oh my god, universe, can you
please help me?
Who the hell are you and can I
exchange you without a receipt?
Lilian Canto, is that your
mother?
Shut up!
Gimme the keys, I'm driving!
Excuse me, please.
Can I have your attention,
please for a moment?
Thank you very much.
I would like to apologize
on behalf of my sister.
[man] The bisexual one?
[speaking in Spanish]
You know I was this close to
getting Burn Notice.
I love that show.
Go over there.
That was fun. You were great, as
usual.
So were you, thank you.
Cassanova, we need you in
wardrobe. Scene 23 coming up.
Ok, thanks, I'll be right there.
So you coming to my party
tonight?
I don't know. I'm gonna be so
beat after today.
C'mon Cass, you haven't been to
one of my parties
since we started
working together.
And it's been four months.
[old timey playgirl accent]
I know, and you make it hard
for a girl to say no,
if you know what I mean.
Uh, is that supposed to be
your Mae West impression?
No?
- Maybe?
Just a little--
- Cass, we need
you in wardrobe now.
Okay, okay!
So you coming to my party?
Okay, but only if you dance!
How's this?
Now that's way worse than
my Mae West!
I know. I know. See, I got the
hips and the... I know, I know
I got the hips going-
- No.
Look, I was the Salsa King in
college.
Yeah right, where'd you
go to college, Iowa?
Keep working on it. See ya
tonight.
[dancing noises]
So, you and Jose are a thing,
huh? What?
No!
- What are you doing?
[scoffs awkwardly]
You have to stop doing that.
I don't know what you're doing
but
I just wanna turn around and
look for a horse and carriage.
Cass, I know you and Jose
have a thing for each other.
Subi! We've only gone out a
couple of times.
Seven times.
Seven? He told you seven times?
In two months.
He's keeping count? What are we
in seventh grade?
- Apparently!
You have not even kissed him yet
and it's been seven times!
Alright. Alright.
Enough with the Cassanova Canto
Exposed Report.
I gotta go get ready.
Alright, but you know what, if I
were you,
I'd be tapping that shit.
Yeah, well, it's not you, okay?
He's so hot.
[Latin party music]
[girl 1] I'm doing
cinematography on this movie,
but I used to love
photography.
Especially when I photographed
all the beautiful models!
[voices are becoming distorted]
[girl 2] Oh yeah!
I'd miss that too!
Being surrounded by all those
beautiful women.
What could be better?
What did the male models look
like?
- WHO CARES!
[sounds distorted and devilish]
[girl 1] It's just a
matter of time, baby.
[Lola's voice] You like that
primal, thrusting action,
but once you've been with a
woman,
you'll never go back.
Honey, he can say he's straight
around his women and
the men on the down-low
but eventually, he's gonna have
to admit that he's gay.
Live the life.
But couldn't he be bisexual?
Pobrecita, no!
Bisexuality is the last stop
before Homoville.
[everyone]
One stop to homoville.
Yeah, all the
bisexual people I know
are constantly cheating on
their spouses!
Couldn't he be a bisexual
monogamist?
What the hell is that?
Everyone's bisexual until
they're gay.
They literally
asked me to join them!
[voices are still distorted,
cackling in the background]
It was me and
the two chicks in bed!
It was awesome! C'mon baby,
threesomes rock!
All these hot chicks that are
into women all of a sudden,
It's just 'cause they haven't
found the right guy.
But wait, wait,
what if you love women and men
at the same time?
That's what I mean, babe.
Me and two women
AT THE SAME TIME!
[says in unison with guys]
In the end you wanna be
held by a man.
[everyone] Eventually you
have to choose.
Eventually you have
to choose.
I was wondering where you were.
Are you okay?
Cass?
- Yeah.
What?
- Where you going?
I thought I'd take you to
breakfast
and then to that nice exhibit
you've been wanting to see.
Yeah but I gotta...I gotta work.
It's Sunday.
I mean...
I got a lot of things to do.
I'll see you tomorrow.
[Cassanova] Where the hell were
you last night? Shut up!
Voicemail.
Voicemail.
Hey!
Lola, I was really hoping I
could talk to you this morning.
You never answer your phone.
I really have something
important to tell you.
Where are you?
Hold on a second...
I have to answer the door.
Surprise!
Look at this place. I feel like
a poor kid, adopt me.
Cass! You are so surprised! I
love it!
You didn't know I was coming,
did ya?
No idea.
I was so good. I am not
usually good at this,
but you got to admit, this was
good.
- Too good.
Look at this place! Oh my God,
It's as big as a church
and lord knows I haven't been
there in ages.
Wait, wait, take one.
Resplendent.
How are you, sweetie!
Listen, I only have three days.
I figured, we could make the
most of it.
We could go to the beaches
and just hang out.
I missed you so much.
Ooh, is that your mom?
- I don't know.
Let's go find out.
- She'd have her keys.
Hola!
This is gonna be fun.
Why did you slam the door like
that?
It was a package.
Just leave the package by
the doorstep sir! Thank you!
Cass, what are you talking
about? It's me! Let me in!
Cass, why are you acting so
weird? Just open the door.
Do you know him?
- Yes!
Come on in.
- Thanks.
Hi, I'm Lola, Cass' partner.
I'm Jose. Now before I
tell you who I am,
did you mean partner like in
business or...
No, no, no, no.
Lovers.
No, not business partners.
It's kinda tricky these days.
Yeah, it's even trickier when
you also have a boyfriend.
I'm Cass' boyfriend.
And the Oscar for 'Female In
Most Painfully Awkward,
Yet Utterly Entertaining
Situation' goes to...
I told you to keep quiet.
He's not my boyfriend!
- Oh no?
Well, he seems to disagree.
Cass c'mon, we've been
seeing each other
for a couple of
months now.
[naked man sings] And the grave
digger digs deeper...
Cass, is this true?
How could you do this?
You never told me you were in a
relationship.
Yeah, Cass,
why didn't you tell either one
of them what was going on?
Well, somebody's gonna have to
leave.
Yes, someone should leave.
Pffft, I'm not leaving.
Bye now.
CASS!
Jose, can I talk to you
tomorrow, please?
Fine, but I'm calling you
manana.
Jose!
Fuck Cass, what did you do?!
- I didn't do anything.
Did you cheat on me, with a man?
What?!
Lola, what are you doing? No,
wait.
Please! We can...we can work
this out.
I don't know what happened.
I don't understand it myself.
Sometimes, I can't do this total
gay thing.
Sometimes I miss men.
It's just not the way I'm built.
You know how people say, how can
I come out of the closet?
How can I come out of the
closet, when I've never been in?
Look, what I do know is that I'm
in love with you.
You're the only one I ever
really want to be with,
You're the only person who can
help me through this.
Listen to me Cass, I'm only
gonna say this once.
You are bisexual.
And there's nothing wrong with
it.
You are neither gay
nor straight,
no matter what anybody says.
This is who you are!
You have to get used to it.
Stop caring about all these
labels!
Lola, please!
We need labels! Be realistic!
Otherwise, how would anybody
know what to do with those
little soap balls in the
baskets,
little soap pellets you put
in the bathtub when you...
Shut up, Cass!
Look,
I wanna be monogamous.
I like being in a relationship.
How am I supposed to choose?
The choice is love, Cass.
But that's all over now.
Holy crap, it's my mom.
Just keep it down for a second.
No! Fuck you and fuck the horse
you rode in on! Fuck it all!
Wait, just wait one second,
okay?
Hi Mommy!
Hi Cass!
Just wait one second, please.
Mom, this is Lola.
Lola?
This is Lilia, my mom.
Hi Ms. Canto, it's nice to
finally meet you.
Me too. I am very glad to meet
you.
Cass was telling me everything--
Excuse me, Mrs. Canto,
I'm really sorry,
but I have a plane to catch.
Don't ever call me again!
She's nice.
[Cassanova's mother] Mamita, do
you want to talk about it?
No ma, I just want to be left
alone.
Dinner's ready.
I'm not hungry.
I made croquetas.
Okay, maybe just one.
Good morning!
Thanks.
Jesus, is this economy ever
gonna recover?
I hope so. People are losing
their jobs, left and right.
Thank you.
She's not talking to me, you
know.
She's not talking to me either.
You just got here.
Still.
I miss her so much, Weinstein.
I don't know what to do.
And I know I can't cheat on her
again.
No you can't.
We're perfect for each other,
you know.
We love the same movies, we
laugh at the same things,
You know how hard it is
to find somebody you're
completely compatible with?
Yes, I do.
Love isn't supposed to be this
complicated.
The last time I was in love,
it was so clear, you know, here.
This time,
I'm just as in love, but it's
different.
How so?
Can't you just
answer a question that doesn't
start with a question?
Aren't you getting paid enough?
One answer, Weinstein. Just one.
Okay.
How's this?
I can't help you with the
what happens out there.
All I can do here, without the
distractions from out there,
is help you with what you're
feeling.
Straight, gay, bi,
all of those are just labels
to make people feel safe.
Make 'em try and understand
something they can't or won't
understand.
That's okay.
But in here, you don't need
those labels.
You're always going to be
attracted to people.
Let's just put aside, for a
second
the fact that it's both genders
for you, okay?
You either want to be in a
faithful relationship
or you don't.
Fidelity is a choice.
I think we're gonna have to
continue this next week.
Okay.
But Weinstein,
what am I gonna do?
Just remember what I told you.
Who you are isn't defined by
your sexuality
or by the labels other people
put on you.
In the end, love trumps all of
that.
[Cassanova narrating] So here I
am.
At a crossroads of some sort.
I really love to love, you know.
I've learned, you should never
be afraid to take that leap,
to try something new,
no matter how scary or
unimaginable it seems to be.
No matter what all the sides
think.
You know, an acting teacher
told me once,
you have to take risks on stage,
and even though the choices may
not always be the right ones,
you not only have fun trying,
but in the end,
you always learn something
about the character.
I guess Professor Stewart wasn't
just talking about acting.
David! David!
Hey!
- Hey!
How are you?
- Good, how are you?
You look great.
- So do you.
Thank you.
Look, I'm sorry I talked
your ear off last night.
Oh, that's okay. You had a lot
to say.
Yeah, but two hours? ?
Three.
Listen, I...I...
No, you go ahead.
I just need some time.
She really threw me for a loop,
you know.
And I get that.
Cass, we can take all the time
you need.
I just like being with you.
I just like being with you too.
Good.
Fuck.
Lola!
-Cass.
It's so great seeing you.
- It's great seeing you.
Feels like ages.
You look fantastic.
Well, I feel like hell.
I haven't been sleeping much. I
had these,
roommates
that kept me up all night.
David! David!
Lola, this is David. David, this
is Lola.
Pleasure meeting you.
So you're the famous Lola? - Oh,
I haven't done anything big.
I mainly do theater,
commercials-
No, no. He knows.
I've told him about you.
I hope she didn't give you
the gory details.
No, just the sexy stuff.
David, can you give us a second.
- Oh sure.
Lola, if you wanna
come to lunch with us,
we are just grabbing a
bite.
Oh thanks, David but...
- Just one second, please.
He's cute.
He looks so familiar.
You don't know the half of it.
How long have you been with him?
Not long.
You're living in Hoboken now?
Yeah.
I miss you Lola.
I can't eat. I can't sleep.
I'm miserable.
Cass, you devastated me.
Lola,
I'm truly, truly sorry.
I just wish we could
start over again, ya know.
I admit we did start a little
too quickly.
Too quickly?
Lola, I moved into your place
two weeks after I left my
husband.
Hindu arranged marriages
have more 'get to know
each other time' than we did.
Yeah, but what about him?
Him?
Baby steps?
Lola, baby steps.
C'mon,
I know you're hungry.
David!
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Where have I seen you before?
[continue chatting]