Casual Sex? (1988) Movie Script
1
[ Chorus ]
Ol, ol
ol, ol
Ol, ol
ol, ol
[ Man ]
Yes, sir
Ha, ha
[ People Hooting, Whistling ]
Yes, girls
Me mind on fire
Me soul on fire
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Party people
All around me
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Oh, what to do
on a night like this
Music sweet
I can't resist
We need
a party song
A fundamental jam
So we go
room, boom, boom, boom
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
See people rockin'
Hear people chantin'
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Keep up the spirit
Come on, let's do it
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
It's in the air
Celebration time
Music sweet
Captivate your mind
We have
this party song
This fundamental jam
So we go
room, boom, boom, boom
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
[ Woman ]
Casual Sex?
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
You gotta
be kidding.
I can't
deal with it.
Me neither.
Not anymore.
Just the thought of it
makes me paranoid.
We should introduce ourselves.
I'm Stacy.
I'm Melissa.
And right now we're both
scared of being single
and having sex.
I've always been
scared of sex.
Not me.
This is kind of embarrassing
to admit, but I remember when
it was actually fun to say,
"Wow, that really felt great.
What's your name again?"
I've never had
sex with someone
I didn't know.
For that matter I've never
said, "Wow, that felt
really great."
Sex always seemed like
the best way to feel
really connected with guys.
I guess that's cause
I grew up when I did.
I wasn't much of a trendsetter
during the sexual revolution.
It would have been a lot easier
if I would have been
more like Stacy.
Melissa,
you'll never guess what.
What?
Last night Kenny Kreiger
came over to
where I was babysitting.
- And guess what.
- What?
We were fooling around
and guess what happened.
What?
He made me touch it!
[ Both Squeal ]
It was so weird.
It was like skin,
only different.
What color was it?
I don't know.
I didn't look at it.
I just touched it.
You never saw it?
Well, I don't know.
It felt like... orange?
[ Both Squeal ]
By senior year, I saw it.
But I still couldn't
tell you what color it was.
A month after my 17th birthday,
I finally did it...
with it.
Is that it? Did we do it?
[ Boy ]
Yeah.
It kinda hurt,
but it was good.
Yeah. Did you see
my other shoe anywhere?
By my second year of college,
I knew I couldn't put it off
any longer.
I was the only virgin
left in the dorm...
except Ronny,
who knew even less
about sex than I did.
[ Exhales ]
Please, Ronny.
You're my best male friend,
and the first time I do it...
I want it to be with someone
I'm comfortable with.
[ Sighs ]
Well-- Okay.
But let's not get
all freaked out afterwards.
Thanks. I really
appreciate it.
[ Sighs ]
[ Flips Pages ]
I guess I should
undress now?
That would be good.
You want foreplay?
Yeah, that...
would be good.
[ Stacy ] I was especially hot
for struggling artistic types
with a lot of potential,
like Baylor Schneff,
neo-post-pop expressionist.
His lovemaking
was just like his art.
Primitive but passionate.
[ No Audio ]
Brian Ellis, lead guitarist
for Dripping Sweat.
I couldn't get enough
of those backstage passes.
Gunter Kroger,
the sous-chef that trained me--
He taught me to
trust my instincts
in the kitchen.
[ Laughs ]
Stop! I can't--
Joey Egan, the closing act
at the Giggle Box--
His timing was even better
horizontally.
[ Laughs ]
But not every man in my life
was an artistic genius.
Some I must admit
were very attractive strangers.
It was the early '80s,
and sex was still a good way
to meet new people.
[ Man ]
Uh, excuse me.
[ Melissa Narrating ]
I was never as adventurous
as Stacy.
Apart from that time
with Ronny, I only slept
with one other person.
Gary Erdman,
the guy I almost married.
[ TV Announcer ]
Three-pointer!
[ Melissa Narrating ]
I teach kindergarten,
and one of my kids fixed us up.
Well, actually
it was Joey's mom,
but Joey took the credit.
[ Urinating ]
God, I love the idea
of being married,
of not being by myself.
[ Toilet Flushes ]
Now with Gary, I thought
I was finally comfortable
with my own sexuality.
[ TV Announcer ]
No call. To Bird.
Inside. Off the glass.
[ Melissa Narrating ]
But deep down, I guess I knew
it wasn't gonna work.
Okay, so I didn't know,
but I had a feeling.
Gary?
Mm-hmm.
Do you love me?
Sure.
I love ya.
Unbelievable! The Celtics
always get the breaks.
[ Sighs ]
Two weeks before the wedding,
Gary changed his mind.
He said he was sorry,
but he was going through
a selfish phase.
Luckily, the tags
were still on my dress,
but I couldn't return
the 600 monogrammed napkins.
Just once I'd like to wear
a sexy white dress
blowing all around me...
and not have men
run away screaming.
Just once I'd like to have
the kind of sexual experience...
where you don't have
to go to the bathroom
and cry afterwards.
I bet Marilyn cried
in the bathroom after sex.
Probably more than once.
Everyone does.
Men too?
They can't.
They're asleep.
Maybe Melissa envied
my reckless past,
but some time
around the mid-'80s
I started regretting it.
One day I was standing in line
at the mini-mart, and I happened
to look at the magazine rack.
Time, Newsweek, People.
It was on every cover.
So, Stacy.
How are things
at the restaurant?
Oh, fine.
Yeah, when are they
gonna make you a chef?
Soon. Do you have my results?
Yeah, don't worry.
You're fine.
You tested for everything?
Yeah, I tested
for everything, okay?
And you're
perfectly healthy.
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
Good-bye, Stacy.
Oh, thank you, thank you,
thank you for sparing
a formerly flirtatious,
spontaneous, and let's face it,
much too promiscuous slamhound.
You won't be sorry,
'cause from now on I swear I'll
lead a life of pure sublimation.
I'll aerobicize
my little heart out.
I'll meditate.
I'll compose symphonies.
I'll do anything
to keep myself from ever
touching human flesh again.
I'll give new meaning
to the word "celibacy."
Ooh!
Stacy, you don't
have to commit to
lifelong celibacy.
Just practice safe sex.
Safe sex. Who'd have ever
thought those two words would
exist in the same sentence?
I don't know.
Maybe abstinence
isn't such a bad thing.
Beats sleepin' with guys
who don't call you back
afterwards.
And you and I have more
in common now that we're
both afraid of sex.
That's consoling.
I miss it.
I mean, I don't know how to
get close to men without it.
There's your boyfriend.
So what?
There's yours.
[ Snorting ]
Well, it's been 10 months
and 17 days,
and the only man
who looked safe to me
was Dr. Goodman.
And I wasn't
attracted to him.
Then it seemed like I wasn't
attracted to anybody,
and that scared me
more than AIDS did.
Where were you?
God, I'm sorry.
I got a great surprise.
What?
This is where we're going
on our vacation.
Okay.
"Oasis Health Spa."
They're all exercising.
That's not a vacation.
There's all kinds
of social events.
Look. There's dancing, parties.
Look how pretty it is.
I don't know.
My mom told me about
a cruise to Hawaii...
where we can
lay out in the sun
and be blobs for a week.
That's a vacation.
Yeah, but what kinda guys
are we gonna meet?
At this place at least
we know everybody's
into being healthy.
It'll help me
with my paranoia.
Stacy. How's it goin'?
[ Gasps ]
Hi, Baylor.
Do you remember him
from the Fringe festival?
Oh, yeah. Hi.
Stacy, I'm into something
totally different now.
[ Shudders ]
I can't even put it into words.
Why don't you come over?
[ Stuttering ]
I'm sorry. We're having lunch.
Oh, yeah. Okay, great.
Let me give you
my new address.
My new number.
Okay?
It's a garage arrangement.
Great.
[ Sighs ]
[ Giggles ]
I gotta
get out of this town.
Good-bye!
Yea!
[ Giggling ]
[ Man ]
Yes, sir
Ha, ha, yeah
We're so
color coordinated.
God, we're gonna be
the best lookin'
ones there.
[ Car Backfiring ]
[ Man ]
Me mind on fire
Me soul on fire
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Party people
All around me
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Oh, what to do
on a night like this
Music sweet
I can't resist
We need
a party song
A fundamental jam
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
I want you two to know
you got the biggest room
in the place.
Really?
Yeah. It used to
be the honeymoon suite
when this was a regular hotel.
Why don't you two
take a look around?
I'll get your luggage
up to your room.
Okay.
Ready to go
break some hearts?
Uh-huh.
Bye, darling.
Bye.
See people rockin'
Hear people chantin'
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
[ Melissa ]
Oh, wow!
This is beautiful.
Oh, my God. I feel
so much healthier now,
and we just checked in.
It's in the air
Celebration time
Music sweet
Captivates your mind
We have
this party song
This fundamental jam
So we go
room, boom, boom, boom
[ Chorus ]
Hot, hot, hot
Come on.
Hot, hot, hot
How ya doin'?
My name is Vinny.
Oh.
Hi.
Hi.
You girls better be nice to me.
I came all the way from New York
just to meet you.
- Really? What part?
- Actually,
Paterson, New Jersey.
You familiar with
the Straight Street exit?
Mmm.
Not really.
No? What ya do, you hop on
the George Washington Bridge.
When you get past
the Leona Park exit,
you pick up Highway 80...
which is also known
as the Passaic Highway.
Vinny, I'm sorry,
but we-we have to get back
to our rooms.
Our suitcases.
Yeah. Sorry. Bye.
That's your
boyfriend.
Did I say
go West on 80?
Hey, how ya doin'?
My name's Vinny.
I came all the way
from New York just
to meet with you.
A lot of people
don't know that.
Yeah.
[ Continues ]
Make way for the condom express.
[ Melissa ]
What's that?
Just in case
you fall in love.
There's enough in there
for the whole planet
to fall in love.
- Well, that's the point,
Melissa. Hello?
- [ Knocking ]
[ Man ]
Hello.
Hi.
Hi.
Welcome to Oasis.
Would you like
to come in?
Yeah. Okay.
Room service.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Jamie.
Uh, but for some reason,
I don't think you're
Chuck and Eli?
Oh, no. This is Melissa,
and I'm Stacy.
What can we do for you?
Uh-- Uh, part of my job
is to take the measurements
of all the male guests.
- [ Scoffs ]
- [ Chuckles ]
Uh, you're not hiding
Chuck and Eli in here, are you?
No.
[ Sighs ]
Why don't you take our
measurements? We gotta
get it over with anyway.
Right. Right.
[ Whispers ]
Confidence.
Well, come on. Who's first?
These aren't really my hips.
They're a cruel joke
that runs in my family.
Melissa, why are you
being so hard on yourself?
You look great.
Yeah,
I absolutely agree.
Now, Melissa, I have yet to meet
anyone who has come here totally
satisfied with their bodies.
Now, you may not have noticed,
but I'm not exactly what you
would call--
- Tall?
- Tall. Yeah.
And I've never
liked my feet.
Really?
I love my feet.
If you'd like me
to provide you with
some vital statistics...
that can't be measured
in a public place,
I'd be happy
to do so.
You mean your I.Q.?
My weight's okay.
It's just the way I wear it.
[ Gasps ]
[ Woman ]
Natural spring water.
From deep underground.
It purifies. It cleanses.
And everyone must drink
at least 10 glasses of it
a day.
Ooh!
How you doin',
Megan?
Pretty good.
You look good.
All right.
Thank you.
[ Jamie ]
Come on, with some energy.
Pick those knees up.
Pick 'em up!
Pick 'em up!
Oh, come on, Bianca.
Have some fun.
[ Jamie Laughs ]
[ Panting ]
Megan obviously got
the good trampoline.
Don't let it get to you.
Just think if you separated
her individual body parts...
with, say, like,
a huge meat cleaver and then
laid them out on a table,
you wouldn't think
she was such hot stuff.
You got
your flag?
- Hi. I'm Nick.
- I'm Stacy.
Hi, Stacy.
This is my friend
Melissa.
Hi, Melissa.
Hi.
Wow, did you guys
get all dressed up for me?
I'd love to say yes, but I was
really just hoping we'd look
fantastic in these beanies.
And you will.
But you need the flags
for the full effect.
Okay.
Okay?
Dig in.
Now remember,
don't show your flag until
Frankie gives you the word.
- All right.
- I hope you meet someone nice.
Okay.
[ Stacy ]
Let's get a drink, okay?
[ Melissa ] Okay.
I need
to cool off.
Hi.
Hey, hi.
It's Chuck and Eli.
Good to see you.
Welcome. Welcome to
the spa beverage center.
You guys want
something to drink?
I take it that's got
mineral water in it.
Ninety-seven percent,
just like your body.
If it was like my body,
it would be 97% ice cream.
I'll have some
guava juice, please.
Okay.
How about you, Melissa?
You remembered my name.
Hello! Okay, everybody.
Get over here. Come on.
Come back anytime day or night.
I live for makin' this stuff.
[ Emcee ] Okay, everybody.
Get over here. Come on. Come on.
Okay.
That guy's got
the biggest boner for you.
Stacy, he makes
fruit drinks.
He's a nutritionist.
You're a kindergarten teacher.
I say go for it.
No way. He's one
of those, you know,
really nice guys...
you just joke around with
like somebody's brother.
Wait. Where is everybody?
I thought you disappeared,
you all look so thin already!
I can't believe it.
[ Crowd Laughs ]
This is International Night.
Here's your chance to say...
bonjour, guten abend,
buongiorno and howdy
to all your new best friends.
[ Crowd Cheers, Applause ]
I hope you kept your flags
well hidden, because if you
haven't guessed by now,
the person whose flag
matches yours will be your date
for the evening, okay?
But now the moment has come.
So let's unfurl our flags.
Let's take them out right now.
Let's wave them up in the air,
shall we? Come on.
There we go. Wave them.
- Yea!
- There we go.
This is how it works.
You take your flag and
you stick it in the lovely hole
right on top of your head.
That's right.
Just like that.
Then when I blow the whistle,
you run, find your partner,
fall in love and have babies.
Yes, it's that easy.
[ Chuckles ]
Get ready, and--
[ Whistle Blows ]
[ Emcee ]
Come on! Find him! Good!
Stacy, I see my guy.
He's gorgeous.
Ecuador. Ecuador.
Ecuador!
Hello.
I'm Matthew.
Melissa.
So.
So.
You know what
I'm noticing?
How significant
a first encounter is.
Every word forms
an irreversible impression.
Yeah. You look really good
in that hat.
Let's talk.
What's your name again?
Melissa.
Melissa.
Excuse me. Hi.
Could you do me
a little tiny favor?
You see, the guy
I got matched up with,
I know him already.
I was kinda hopin' to meet
someone new. So, would you
mind just trading with me?
I think we should just
stick to the rules.
Listen, nobody is even
gonna know about this.
All right?
This guy is so worth it.
I mean, ooh!
What's he like?
Oh, total class.
Way cool.
You gotta meet him.
You'll drop dead.
[ Sighs ]
I don't think so. I'm s--
Please? As a personal
little favor for me.
I'm telling you.
You're gonna be thanking me.
[ Sighs ]
Okay.
Great.
You know what Dutch men
are like too, don't you?
Real handsome
and virile and big.
Hey! Stacy! Holland.
Do you fuckin' believe that?
Mm-hmm. I can.
[ Grunting ]
Can I ask you
a personal question?
Sure.
What do you think
of this body, huh?
Well, you're real muscular, and
I'm sure some women like that.
Oh, they do.
I mean, this body is meant
to be enjoyed by people,
you know?
I could trash it, but no,
I choose to beautify it
like Central Park.
Great. Just stay away
from it at night.
Oh, come on, baby.
Be brave.
Let's take
a little carriage ride
through the park, huh?
No, thanks.
I've already seen it.
No. Not all of it.
Not that giant new monument
goin' up, baby. Oh.
I'm concerned about
this penis size thing.
I wanna know how men feel.
Is it really such a big deal
with you guys?
Like, do you obsess about it?
Do you measure it and compare it
to the penis next to yours
in the men's room?
Do you secretly wish
there was some sort of
penis development cream...
or machine at the gym?
Gary told me
they're all the same size
when they're erect.
[ Exhales ]
So, anyway,
like I was sayin',
I'm driving this rich couple
around in my limo, right?
Then, get this.
Mr. Big Bucks waves a couple 20s
in front of my face,
says he wants me
to get it on with his wife
while he watches, right?
You know what
I'm talkin' about,
right, snapper head?
Yeah, good.
Anyway, next thing you know,
bada-bing, bada-bang.
The lady climbs
over the front seat,
hops on the armrest...
and starts beggin' me
to rip off her gown.
She's gettin' all hot,
naturally, and he is too...
from all this heavy breathin'
I hear in the backseat.
He's yellin',
"Nail her, nail her!"
[ Chuckles ]
I look in the rearview.
The guy's havin' some kind
of asthma attack.
Turns out he's yellin',
"Inhaler, inhaler!"
So we gotta do a little
detour over to St. Vincent's.
They get out.
I don't see no money
and worst of all,
the Vin Man's left with
a very frustrated Mr. Peabody.
[ Bites Nails, Spits ]
I only hope that woman
is resilient enough to overcome
her unfulfilled desires for you.
You know, Matthew's
a psychologist.
I just love therapy.
I think everyone
should be in therapy.
That would be good for me.
Actually,
I'm here to do research
for a book I'm writing...
on the psychosexual tendencies
of premenopausal females.
Yeah, me too.
Vinny, look, you don't have
to walk me all the way there.
It's okay.
Oh, no. No, no.
I'm your date.
You're my responsibility.
Safety. There are a lot
of creeps around here.
You don't know that.
All right, Vinny.
Thanks. Bye.
Hey, that's nice carpet
you got in there.
Is that new?
Vinny, that's it.
The date's over.
Vinny, look,
you've been all over me
for the past three hours.
I think
I've been pretty tolerant...
because it seems like
there's a very funny,
appealing guy in there.
Somewhere.
Good night.
Maybe I'll come in.
We'll talk about it.
That's a valid point.
Bye.
Yeah, I mean, uh--
[ Sighs ]
Maybe we'll do it
again some time, huh?
Yeah. I gotta go anyway.
Really. No, Stacy.
Stacy, don't beg.
It don't look good on you.
Really, another time.
Please, please, please.
I mean, I realize--
I'm the best
from the East
I'm a wild crazy beast
I'm the Vin Man
Please, honey.
Not tonight.
[ Sighs ]
[ Karate Yell ]
[ Vinny Grunting ]
That's a boy.
Here you go.
[ Screams ]
[ Instructor ]
97, 98, 99--
[ Man ] Keep goin'!
Ooh!
It's horrible.
It's not that bad, Melissa.
Yes, it is.
I feel like
a windshield
wiper.
[ Groans ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Giggling ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Panting ]
[ Groans ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Stacy ]
Melissa,
there's your boyfriend.
[ Gasps ]
[ Laughs ]
We gotta do it.
Let's go.
[ Whimpers ]
[ Scoffs ]
I can't.
I can't either,
but we have to.
Come on.
You havin' fun?
Yes.
This is the most perfect date
I've ever been on.
Stacy, how are you?
Jim Farrell.
We went to the prom together.
I took Stacy's virginity.
How about that?
Nick, get me
outta here.
No, wait.
I wanna thank you.
'Cause of all the help you
gave me with my trig homework,
I got accepted to M.I.T.
I'm not
an underachiever anymore.
Congratulations.
Thanks. Yeah.
How have
you been?
Fine.
I've missed you.
You've changed
my life, you know.
After being with you, I had
the courage to sit down...
and write a Pulitzer Prize
winning novel.
You might just recognize
the heroine.
- Who are you?
- Kenny Kreiger.
Don't you remember?
[ Scoffs ]
You touched it.
Thanks so much
for doing that,
by the way.
I bragged to everyone
at school about it.
Now I'm so popular,
I'm running for
class president.
[ Groans ]
Psst. Psst. Psst.
Stacy. Stacy,
remember me?
Mike Sullivan--
The guy that never
called you back.
Well, I've been paying for
that mistake every day since.
I'm a complete failure.
I can't hold a steady job.
I had to move back in
with my parents.
I'd call you now,
but they won't let me
use the phone.
They just
won't let me use--
I'll always
call you back.
You have nothing
to worry about with me.
Nothing?
Nothing.
And you'll be starting
a clean slate.
[ Moans ]
Even though
I'm incredibly sexy,
I have never...
been to bed
with anyone...
in my entire life.
Oh, my God.
[ Man ]
Do you, Melissa,
take Gary to be
your lawfully wedded husband,
to honor and cherish
from this day forth,
as long as
you both may live?
[ Melissa ] I do.
Gary, do you take
Melissa to be your
lawful wedded wife,
to honor and cherish from
this day forth for as long
as you both may live?
I do.
[ Man ]
Stop!
Melissa, you don't
have to marry him.
I'll marry you.
- I'll marry you.
- I'll marry you, Melissa.
Who are you?
You don't know me.
But your parents do,
and they love me.
- Melissa.
- I love you, Melissa.
Melissa, I love you.
I'll marry you.
Melissa, I love you.
You can trust me.
I love you, Melissa.
[ Men ]
I love you, Melissa.
I'll marry you.
It was the weirdest dream.
I have no idea
how those thoughts
got into my head.
I have no imagination.
You're horny.
I am not horny.
I hate that word.
I'm extraordinarily horny.
I haven't had sex
since a year ago, April.
Wow. That's an even longer
stretch than me. Why?
Well, I found out my boyfriend
was seeing other women,
and I had to end it.
It was making me
too nervous.
Yeah.
Now when you're with a guy,
you're not just sleeping
with him.
You're sleeping
with everyone
they've had sex with.
And everyone
they've had sex with.
[ Together ]
And everyone
they've had sex with.
Gee, I'm a lot
more experienced
than I thought I was.
[ Giggles ]
What do you miss most
about sex?
[ Sighs ]
I miss falling asleep
with someone's arms around me.
- And the feeling of...
- Orgasm?
[ Chuckles ]
I love orgasms.
[ Groans ]
I'm sick of my Mighty Intruder
vibrator with the flexible shaft
and the textured head.
[ Both Laugh ]
I wish I missed it
as much as you guys do.
What about Gary?
Didn't you guys have some
down and dirty sex? Hmm?
Well, um, one time,
we did it twice in a row.
And the first time
it wasn't too bad.
And the second time,
it took a lot longer.
And... I came so close.
Haven't you ever
had an orgasm?
Oh, yeah, sure.
[ Chuckles ]
Well, not really.
I mean, not with
someone else in the room.
Melissa, you never
told me that before.
Well, it's okay.
I mean, it'll work itself out.
Well, it took me a while
to figure it out too.
It's complicated for women.
But I think
it's-it's best on top.
You know, if you take control
and then, like,
really move around...
till you find
the right spot?
Really?
I like to be
on the bottom.
And I just
move my hips like this.
You can have one
with the guy on top?
- Mm-hmm?
- I hate you.
God,
how do you do that?
Just like this.
What? Wh-What?
- What are you doin'?
A circle?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, just
a little circle.
Like a little "O."
- What are you doing here?
- Didn't you schedule
a massage?
You?
The very best.
Ay-yi-yi.
[ Sighs ]
[ Giggles ]
I can't--
Um, I can't help it.
Why don't we try
a real easy exercise?
It might help you
loosen up a little.
Okay.
All right, I want you
to pay attention
to your breathing.
In.
[ Inhaling ]
And out.
[ Exhaling ]
That's good.
Now, try to imagine...
that your body
is very heavy.
That shouldn't be
hard to imagine.
[ Whispers ]
Hey, only positive thoughts.
Okay.
[ Screams, Giggling ]
[ Piano ]
[ Chattering, Laughing ]
[ Stops ]
[ Resumes ]
- Oh, hi.
- Sounds great.
Yeah, thanks.
It's just somethin'
I've been workin' on.
Don't let me interrupt you.
No, no, you're not.
I was stuck anyway.
Do you write a lot of songs?
I used to.
I used to be in a band.
Ever heard of
Bruce Springsteen?
Yeah.
I have a lot
of his records.
[ Laughs ]
No, I really
was a musician,
but I, um-- I gave it up
for a rewarding career
as a health shaper.
Don't you miss it?
You're really talented.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Thanks.
I do. I do miss it,
but I can't complain.
I'm gettin' paid
to stay in shape, right?
What about your plans later?
I mean, after your spa career.
I don't know.
There's some things
I'm workin' on.
I'm puttin'
some things together.
I'm workin' on stuff.
There's a lot
of things goin' on.
Right.
See you later.
Get back to work.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Rock ]
[ Chattering, Laughing ]
Hey,
what's goin' on?
[ Grunting ]
How about one
of your special drinks?
I thought you'd never ask.
That's
a pretty dress.
Thank you.
It makes you
look feminine.
Melissa, why don't we dance?
Okay.
Okay?
Jamie, back to work.
I need an aggressive
beverage.
Let's dance.
Here I go
She's a wild card
Won't let go
She's a wild card
[ Continues ]
The way you move,
it's so expressive.
Most women would be
too embarrassed to really
let themselves go like that.
Do you know how
complex you are, Melissa?
Um, I think so.
I feel the need
to understand you,
to know why you are
who you are...
and how you
became that way.
And when.
How about a real drink,
huh?
Oh, I don't know.
You don't know?
Come on. Take a shot, baby.
Get this party rollin'.
Well, just a little.
I don't want to ruin
the effects of my colonic.
Then when I was 13
I got caught plagiarizing
from the World Book...
and my dad ripped my phone
out of the wall.
Then he said I had to return
my American Legion award
in front of the whole school...
because I didn't
deserve it...
because you're supposed
to be honest.
And so I cried the whole night
because I couldn't figure out...
how I was going to
stand in front
of the whole school...
and give back my
American Legion award.
They would think
I was crazy.
The next day at school
my heart was pounding
the whole day--
Oh, I can
tell you later.
[ Sighs ]
Melissa, did you know that women
experience 63% more heightened
neurological sensitivity...
during the arousal phase
than during climax itself?
Really?
I like all the phases.
I should stop.
But you don't want to,
right?
I feel so many things
right now.
This is kind of interesting.
They were really easy
getting on.
[ Applause, Cheering ]
Hello!
I cannot tell you
how excited I am to bring you
an unexpected treat tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud
to present our very own...
Mr. Nick Lawrence.
[ Cheering ]
[ Electric Piano ]
I can really see you
You are really here
And when we touch
You don't disappear
It's nothin'
like I planned
It's all that I'm worth
It's strange and beautiful
It's heaven and earth
And who you really are
And who I really am
Come shinin' through
Shinin' through
[ Continues ]
[ Kissing ]
What's the matter?
[ Grunts ]
We have a problem.
What is it?
[ Sighs ]
I can't. I'm sorry.
Is it me?
No, no, no.
It's not you.
It's me. I'm not
attracted to you.
Oh.
Now, I don't want you to
take this as a rejection...
but rather as an acceptance
between two people whose needs
are profoundly incompatible.
And you're not alone.
I'm going to devote
an entire chapter
to this in my book.
- You want me
to walk you back?
- No, that's okay.
Melissa,
I know you're hurting,
but whatever you do
don't judge those feelings.
They're just feelings.
They're great.
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
I really wish you
hadn't seen that.
We gotta find a hero
Somewhere, sometime
We gotta be strong
With love on our mind
Oh, no
Rescue each other
Hold on in the end
To the hand of a stranger
The hand of a friend
- Behind your eyes
- Everything I believed in
[ Background Singers ]
Ohh
I see myself in you
Behind your eyes
Behind your eyes
I found something new
There behind your eyes
Behind your eyes
I found the face
that I never knew
Before
Behind your eyes
[ Cheering, Applause Continue ]
Oh!
[ Vinny Groans ]
- Hey!
- Vinny!
- Hi.
- You're drunk.
It's happy hour.
Could've fooled me.
Oh, you want a shot?
No, I better not.
Okay.
There.
That'll make you
feel better.
[ Sighs ]
It's good stuff,
huh?
Ahh.
It's good, see.
We'll have
our own party.
Okay?
Just me and you.
What kind of a party?
Um-- All right,
this is what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna tell you a joke,
a funny joke,
a joke you're gonna like.
What happens--
You laugh, you gotta
take a shot of this.
If you don't laugh,
I gotta take a shot.
Okay.
All right,
here's the joke.
All right, there's
this old guy, right?
He's like 80 years old,
maybe 81.
It doesn't matter after 30.
You know what I'm sayin'?
So anyway,
this guy says, uh,
he wants one last night...
of really havin'
a good time, you know.
So he goes out,
he hops a few bars,
meets this bimbo, right?
Bada-bing, bada-bang.
They're goin' at it
all night long.
She was young,
like 19 years old.
I'm surprised the guy
even lived through that,
right?
What's the funny part?
I'm gettin' to that.
I'm gettin'
to the funny part,
all right?
Don't put me
under pressure here.
So now what happens,
the guy goes to confession
a few days later, right?
So he's tellin'
the priest everything,
like play-by-play,
what happened
that night.
So the priest says,
"Say 20 Hail Marys,
and you'll get forgiveness."
So the guy tells the priest,
"I ain't even Catholic."
So the priest says to him,
"Then why are you tellin' me
this whole story?"
He goes,
"I'm not just tellin' you.
I'm tellin' everybody."
[ Giggles ] You see
what I'm sayin' to you?
[ Chuckles ]
I don't get it.
Well, they're not
all golden, honey,
you know?
What about you?
You got a joke?
Uh, this is one that
the kids at school told me.
Why did the chicken go
halfway across the street?
Why?
He wanted
to lay it on the line.
You're not laughing.
Oh, not yet.
Not yet.
Inside, it's building.
It's building.
About a half hour from now
I'll be rollin'
all over the beach.
You won't
be able to stop me.
I'll be in hysterics.
[ Giggling ]
Wait. I get one, to be fair.
Okay.
All right.
I tell you what.
You like charades?
You like charades?
All right.
All right, um--
What is this?
It's a movie, right?
Nick, I think we should
talk about something,
but it's no big deal.
What?
Well, it's
kinda hard to say.
Well, then, whisper it.
It's been a long time
for me, and the thing is,
I feel like I should
ask you questions,
but I don't want
to interrogate you.
Medical history questions?
Yes.
You have to be so careful,
and you don't know
who anybody's been with.
I'm not saying anything
about you, but I--
I know. Shh.
Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.
This is a miracle.
For once,
it's all up to him.
No tubes, no jellies,
no furtive trip
to the bathroom.
I can just sit back
and let it happen.
I don't have
to do anything.
I'm not too good
with these things.
You think you
can give me a hand
putting it on?
Sure.
[ Man ] The good news
is that your Blue Cross
will cover this visit.
The bad news is
that you have herpes
simplex one and two,
trichomonas, gonorrhea,
acute immune deficiency
syndrome-related complex,
vulvar lesions,
secondary syphilis,
venereal warts...
and a potentially
unbearable case
of the crabs.
But he was only
the third guy in my life,
and the first one
didn't count.
No, all contact counts.
But I thought
I had safe sex.
Oh, no sex is safe enough
for you, Melissa.
Well, enjoy the rest
of your vacation.
[ Melissa Screams ]
[ Ducks Quacking ]
[ Groans ]
We must've
fallen asleep.
[ Both Groan ]
Oh, I wish
I were dead.
[ Heaving ]
[ Heaving Continues ]
I'll be all right.
Cigarette, honey?
No.
[ Lighter Flicks ]
Uh--
Where you goin'?
I'm going back to my room
to take a shower.
Hey, don't worry
about it.
You know, uh,
we'll do it again
some time.
[ Sighs ]
Chicks.
I'm the best from the East
I'm a wild, crazy beast
I'm the Vin Man
[ Chuckles ]
[ Nick ]
That was the most intense
it's ever been for me.
I feel like I died
for a second.
[ Stacy ]
Me too.
But it wasn't like dying.
It was more like sinking.
[ Sighs ]
[ Nick ]
It was like flying.
Yeah, flying.
[ Nick ]
Not just flying,
but actually hurtling
through outer space,
galaxy after galaxy.
Sorry. I can't get
a cab here in time.
You won't be able
to make the 8:00 bus.
Oh, yes, I will.
Well, there's
another one at 2:00.
No, I can't stay here
any longer.
Will you please see
that Stacy Hunter gets that?
Melissa, you're not
leaving us, are you?
Melissa, seeking escape
from a challenging
environment...
points to potentially
very serious
personality deficits.
You really ought
to consider analysis.
[ Grunts ]
[ Melissa ]
Asshole.
[ Spits, Coughing ]
Hop in the back, honey.
Thanks.
Thanks.
All right.
Bye-bye.
Can I make
the bus to L.A.?
Just missed it.
[ Exhales ]
Damn it.
[ Exhales ]
Next one leaves
at 2:00.
Okay.
I'll take one
for the 2:00.
Excuse me.
Melissa told me
to give you this.
Thanks.
Thank you.
What is it?
[ Sighs ]
Melissa
went back to L.A.
All my fault.
I gotta go home.
You're just gonna leave?
I have to.
She doesn't have
anybody else.
Come on. Stacy!
Stacy.
I wanna go with you.
Well, I'd love that,
but what about
your classes?
I'll get someone
to cover for me.
[ Laughing ]
I'm gonna go with ya.
[ Woman Crying ]
[ Crying Continues ]
I lied.
I was extremely
attracted to you.
I just didn't want you
to see my unusually small penis.
Wait.
Melissa, you're alive!
Jamie, I am.
Kiss me.
Jamie.
Kiss me.
Jamie.
Jamie.
Jamie.
Jamie.
Jamie. You're here.
Yeah.
What are you doing here?
I just wanted to make sure
you were all right.
I guess I better pack
Melissa's stuff too, huh?
I hope she's okay.
You know,
I've been thinkin', Stacy.
Yeah?
I might wanna stay
in L.A. for a while.
But you'll lose your job.
Yeah, well, maybe that's
not such a bad thing.
I mean, L.A.'s where all
the music people are, right?
Yeah.
I could
give it a shot.
You should.
You're so good.
[ Mutters ]
And you could stay
at my place.
Really?
- [ Sighs ]
- Do you really
have to go home?
I don't know.
I just feel so left out
at that place.
But if I go home,
then it's like I just gave up.
Besides, what if my body starts
to crave that mineral water?
[ Brakes Squeaking ]
Can we have two tickets, please?
Yeah. We're going
to Hollywood.
- Why don't you just put it
on your credit card?
- I don't have one.
- Really?
- [ Laughs ]
Yeah.
I don't believe in 'em.
Oh.
Well, look, just put 'em both
on my credit card, and you can
write me a check later.
No checking account.
Oh. Well--
Besides, I've got more
in my wallet.
[ Nick ]
Goin' to Hollywood.
Feel it, feel it
[ Continues ]
Jamie,
I am so glad you're back.
You gotta take over Nick's
aerobics classes for me.
Why? Where's Nick?
He eloped with Stacy back
to L.A. God, it was beautiful.
What?
Jamie, please.
I tried teaching
one of the classes myself.
I almost passed out.
It was really embarrassing.
All right, sure. No problem.
Thanks, sport.
Nick.
I can't believe it.
Stacy would
never get married
without telling me.
Let's go see
what's going on.
Why didn't she tell me?
Hi, Chopper.
Hey, there she is--
my favorite tenant.
Hi, Gus.
This is Nick.
Oh. Yeah.
Nice to meet ya.
Nick.
Hey, you can put those bags
out by the dumper.
Okay, buddy?
[ Giggles ]
Come on.
Oh, wow!
This is beautiful.
My God.
This is beautiful.
Stacy!
Where are you?
I'm in your apartment.
Where the hell are you?
I'm here.
Why are you there?
Well,
you were in trouble.
So I came to help,
and I dragged Nick
back with me. This is nuts!
Didn't you guys run off
to get married?
No. Like
I'd almost marry someone
I met two seconds ago.
I mean, I know him enough
to know I wanna know him better,
but that's not the point.
The point is,
your note scared me!
I'm-- I'm really sorry
I got you all worried.
All right.
At least I know you're okay.
Stacy, I hope things work out
between you and Nick.
Yeah, thanks.
Look, I gotta go.
Are you sure you're okay?
Are you sure you don't
want me to come back there?
I-I-I'm fine.
I gotta go.
All right. Bye.
[ Sighs ]
Guess I'm not
going anywhere.
I don't get it.
I'm hot, tight,
vastly entertaining.
I thought
that's what women want.
I know the feeling, pal.
What do you say we go
into the gift shop...
and get you a nice,
free Oasis T-shirt?
How's that sound?
You know, I used to have it
all figured out.
It's like women changed
when I had my back turned.
Yeah, it's rough.
You know,
I read something.
Where is it?
Here it is.
Here you go.
"The Pretend You're Sensitive
Handbook."
Nice save, hon.
Yeah.
I can't believe
how much stuff I got.
But I want you to know...
I'm not gonna take up
any of your closet space.
What I'd like to do--
Hon--
What I'd like to do is
stick everything over here
in the corner...
and then get one of those
cardboard drawer things,
you know.
You don't have to do that.
I-I can make room.
- You're so easy to live with.
- Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]
So here.
Here's my contribution
to the apartment.
Oh.
Well,
I guess I'll just go put
these away right now.
That's great.
Think I got another one
in here too, hon.
[ Panting ]
Help.
Jamie, you know,
you've done everything
a human could possibly do
this week to make me happy.
Not everything.
Well,
I--
Yeah, I know.
But, uh, you--
Just, like--
I feel like I-- You--
Uh--
It just wouldn't
feel right for me
to get romantic with you.
Why not?
Well, um, you're not
the usual kind of guy
that I'm attracted to.
Oh. No?
I mean, you're
really attractive, but--
but, um--
I mean, I thought maybe
we should just stick
to being friends.
[ Scatting ]
Hey, Stace!
You wanna cruise up and down
Sunset Boulevard?
You can show me
where all the stars
hang out, hon.
Oh, Nick, you won't believe
what just happened.
I called into work.
There's a big emergency.
They need me. I gotta go.
Really?
Yeah. Oven problems
or something.
Oh.
But I'll be back
just as soon as I can,
and I'll call you, okay?
You just stay here
and have a good time, okay?
Okay. Hey,
and I love it here, hon.
Oh.
[ Door Opens ]
You think it's too late
to use the stereo?
[ Door Closes ]
[ Door Opens ]
I need a small car that's
really easy to handle.
You'll be fine.
Just take your time
and don't be intimidated
by it, okay?
Okay. Thanks, Keith.
[ Engine Starts, Revs ]
[ Tires Squealing ]
[ Crying ]
Ah.
[ Kissing ]
[ Exhales,
Sniffles ]
Wow. Do I look
any different?
Gosh, I'm
so good in bed.
Jamie.
What?
I never thought
it would happen to me.
You're a genius.
I'm a genius.
I bet I could
even do it again.
Maybe we should wait
a few minutes.
[ Chuckles ]
Okay.
Okay.
[ Tires Screech ]
[ Door Closes ]
Can I have the key
to Room 34, please?
Stacy, so nice to see you.
Uh, do you have
a few minutes?
I mean, it occurred to me.
I don't even know
where you work.
Where I work?
Yeah, your career plans,
your dreams,
your aspirations.
I really wanna hear
all about them.
What I want?
I don't even know.
Ask me what
anyone else wants.
Give me three seconds,
I'll figure out
your whole entire life.
Would you...
maybe wanna share
something with me...
about your
childhood perhaps?
Vinny, what the hell
are you talking about?
I'm in a big rush.
Look, I have to go talk
to Melissa.
'Cause if I don't figure out
something about my life soon,
I'm gonna crack.
I respect
your strength, Stacy,
and I think you've got
a lot of potential.
- Mmm.
- [ Door Opens ]
Stacy.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
I should have knocked.
I-I didn't even think.
I'm sorry. Good-bye.
Stacy, what are you
doing here?
Oh, I didn't mean
to barge in on you guys.
Something's the matter.
Why are you here?
I don't know.
He's in my apartment.
Who?
There's sneakers all over
the living room,
and soon there's
gonna be cardboard drawers.
But who?
He thinks I'm a huge doll,
and the worst part
is he's so nice.
- Who's he?
- Nick.
Stacy, congratulations.
I hear you're married.
- I'm not married!
- Oops.
- I'm not married.
- Stacy, come in here.
Hi, Jamie.
Hi.
We're just gonna talk
for a second.
I'd leave, but I'm naked.
That's okay.
We'll just go in here.
Why is Nick
suddenly living with you?
'Cause I thought
I was in love with him.
Uh-huh?
[ Exhales ]
I think it was the sex.
I was celibate
for so long,
I started
to feel like a can
of kitchen cleanser.
You know, sterile
and gritty and abrasive.
And when we made love--
I don't know.
I felt like
a human again.
An mammal with breasts.
[ Sighs ]
And also he's
very talented. He's--
Stop.
Not the talented thing.
Okay.
I know. You're right.
He's the same guy again.
So, what are you
gonna do?
Well, I guess maybe
we could stay together...
until Nick gets settled
in L.A., and then when he--
Stacy.
End it.
Go back to L.A.
and just do it.
Shit.
You're right.
I am, aren't I?
I'm gonna do it.
It's a test of my--
my new maturity.
[ Whispering ]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, Jamie's in there.
I know.
Can you believe it?
[ Whispering ]
[ Gasps ]
Oh!
Oh! Did he have one too?
[ Shower Running ]
[ Frankie Singing ]
[ Screams ]
It didn't work!
What? What? What?
It didn't work!
What?
The book. The book.
Don't get mad.
I'm not mad.
Look, a guy like me
cannot pretend.
Do you understand
I'm from Jersey?
It's like-- I know
this guy, Joey, right?
He-- He's in jail now.
He kills three people
with a knife.
But he didn't fake it.
He did it!
Look-- Look, Frankie.
I-I gotta get out of here.
I gotta get back to my roots,
put my head together,
do some thinkin'.
Hey, I'm sorry. I tried.
Oh, you--
you've been beautiful.
You're special.
I relate to you.
[ Door Closes ]
Good-bye.
[ Tires Screeching ]
Think she'll do it?
I hope so.
Hey, Stacy! Stacy!
Yo, Stace,
would you give me
a lift to the bus station?
I've had it
with this place, really.
I promise
I won't hit on you.
I won't even breathe.
Oh--
Come on.
Okay, okay. Hurry up.
Thanks.
I appreciate this.
Really.
Oh, man.
No problem.
So, why are you leaving?
I was havin' too much fun
for one person.
I tell ya somethin'.
I give up on this whole
relationship thing.
I mean, I was bombin' out
so bad at that place.
I would've shaved
between my eyebrows
if I thought it would help.
Tell me somethin'.
How do you do it?
Do what?
This whole man-woman
relationship thing.
I mean,
how do you do it?
Like-- Like when you're
with your friends, you know,
and, uh, you can just talk
and do whatever you do.
Someone you're
comfortable with, you know?
Only like, you know--
like on a romantic level.
[ Stacy Narrating ]
Okay, when I first met Vinny,
I thought this guy
is a living argument
for birth control.
But as I get
to know him better,
I realize he's just like
the rest of us-- a mess.
- [ Tires Screech ]
- [ Engine Stops ]
[ Sighs ]
So I dropped Vinny off
at the bus station...
[ Mouthing Words ]
and rushed home
to face Nick.
I'd rehearsed every word
I was gonna say... out loud.
I'd covered all the angles.
There was no way he could
talk me out of it.
[ Nick ]
Stace?
Nick.
Hey!
I went shopping.
Boy, these are
gonna last forever.
And wait till you see
the stuff I got for you
to make us breakfast.
Waffles.
Great stuff, huh?
And I got this big thing
of butter. Look at it.
Nick! Nick.
This isn't working.
Why?
You don't like waffles?
I-- It's--
It's not--
It's not that.
It's that we don't--
don't have any syrup.
[ Laughs ]
Ahh.
You know, it's like
I was meant to come here.
I mean, everything--
It feels, man--
It feels so right.
Really?
Yeah.
I feel so inspired.
You know, last night
when you were working,
I started
on this new song.
Oh, guess what
it's called.
"Stacy."
Wow.
[ Laughs ]
It's got this really
great bass line in it.
Now, just listen to this.
Um--
[ Humming Bass Line ]
[ Continues ]
Nick, that's great,
but--
Mm-hmm.
Okay, wait.
[ Continues ]
Stacy
- Nick--
- Oh, Stacy
Okay. Anyway,
that's all I got so far.
Really, I like it.
Uh-- [ Clears Throat ]
But, uh, look, uh--
This is kinda
difficult to say,
but I, uh--
I kinda have a problem.
Well, is it about money?
Aw, honey, don't worry.
I can get some dumb job
until somethin' else happens.
I am feelin' so confident.
Really.
It's not about the money.
It's about us
living together.
Well, you wanna get
a bigger place?
No, it's not the size
of the apartment, Nick.
Well, what--
what is it?
Look, I know that I c--
convinced you to come here,
and I know I kinda
helped you quit your job,
but it's about
our relationship.
Nick.
Yeah.
It's not gonna work.
Well,
I thought we had something
pretty special here.
It's not your fault.
It's me.
I'll end up taking care
of you, and I'll forget
all about myself.
Oh, you don't have
to take care of me.
Christ.
Nick, I will.
You don't know me.
I-I'm that way with men.
I-I-- I just lose myself.
I disappear.
You know,
but you heard them when
I was singin', didn't ya?
They loved me.
It's gonna be
the same way here in L.A.
I can't do it
this time, Nick.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
That's okay.
But let me tell you,
you're making a big mistake,
'cause I am gonna make it.
Good.
I'm gonna be huge.
I'm gonna be bigger
than huge.
I'm gonna be on the cover
of Rolling Stone magaz--
No, forget that.
I'm gonna be on the cover
of Time magaz-- No!
Forget that.
I--
I am gonna have...
more fans than Elvis!
Good.
Yeah!
And I won't even be dead.
Think about it.
[ Exhales ]
[ Stacy Narrating ]
Well, Nick packed up
his Heftys,
and I haven't heard
from him since.
After Nick, I kind of
took a break from guys
for a while... again.
You got me.
I know.
But I was
hoping for something
a little more romantic.
Oh.
Tell 'em
about the letter.
You think?
Yeah, tell 'em.
Okay.
"Dear Stacy,
I hope you don't mind me
writing to you,
but the only other letter
I ever wrote was to
the editor of Flex magazine,
and that was just to say
how much I enjoyed this
particular article called--"
[ Vinny's Voice ]
"'Hammer Those Glutes Till Your
Butt's Like A Bowling Ball.'
So it wasn't
exactly personal.
So, why do I now
take pen in hand
to write to you?
Okay, it's like this.
Ever since
I got home from Oasis,
things are different.
Like, all of a sudden,
I don't feel like
hangin' out every night.
I don't feel like
hittin' on women.
I don't even feel
like drinkin' milk
out of the carton.
I feel--
[ Inhales ]
I don't know.
Serious.
Like I'm in the midst
of some heavy changes.
I've forced myself to take
a closer look at the Vin Man.
You know, open 'im up,
pull 'im out,
dissect 'im like a frog.
And I've decided
to go after...
a more sharply tailored,
finely pleated,
subtly striped look.
[ Grunting ]
And I've discovered
I have a creative side
to my personality.
[ Humming ]
Hey!
[ Loud Sizzling ]
Anyway,
since most of my friends
saw the Vin Man...
as a larger-than-life,
legendary figure,
[ Hooting, Shouting ]
many are having difficulties
relating to me at this time.
But since you didn't
know me for very long,
I figured it might be easier
for you to understand.
Besides, you're one of
the few people I know who could
possibly appreciate all this."
"Respectfully,
your friend,
Vincent Falcone."
What can I say?
Life is bizarre.
Are you sure you have
to go so early?
Yeah, we still have another
bottle of champagne.
Oh, well, I'm kinda tired.
Besides, you two
should be alone.
Here.
Mwah!
Good night, you.
Bye-bye.
Thanks.
Happy New Year.
Okay, thanks.
Bye.
[ Speakers:
"Auld Lang Syne" ]
[ Door Shuts ]
Hey.
Need a lift?
[ Chuckles ]
Vinny.
What are you
doing here?
I was just drivin'
around the neighborhood.
Last night I--
Look, it's like this.
It's Christmas Day.
I'm sittin' around
my house, right? I'm all alone.
So, uh,
I hop in the limo.
Twenty-four hours later,
I wind up in Chicago.
And I say to myself,
"Vincent,
where the hell
are you goin'?"
That's when it hits me.
I'm comin' to see you.
You drove all that way
just to see me?
Hey, only four days and,
what, 18 speeding tickets?
But it's okay.
I got my own
business now. Here.
I got four of 'em.
Four stretch limos.
Yeah.
Wow.
Oh, yeah.
Fully loaded.
The works.
Hey. But, look, I--
You know, I realize
I didn't call or nothin',
so, uh, if you got
some plans, you know--
Uh, well, I was gonna--
[ Sighs ]
I-I have nothin' to do.
I'm just going home.
Maybe we could
do somethin'.
I don't know.
Maybe go play
some miniature golf.
You like golf?
Vinny.
It's late.
Yeah, I know.
All right.
That's all right, you know.
I mean, hey, you know,
I felt like takin' a drive
anyway, you know, uh--
I mean,
it's New Year's Eve,
you know.
You probably
had a wild night
or somethin'.
I mean, who needs a visit
from the Vin Man
on New Year's Eve?
You know what I'm sayin'?
I understand.
I mean--
Hey, look, you have
a good New Year's,
all right?
I'm gonna, uh, take off.
Vinny.
You want some breakfast?
Um, you know,
I could eat somethin'.
I'm kinda hungry.
I been drivin' a while,
you know.
I can make you an omelet.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, yeah?
You a good cook?
I been doin'
some cookin' myself.
How 'bout I make you
an omelet, huh?
That would be nice.
Okay, wait a minute.
Hang on. I got--
Hang on.
What?
Wait.
Merry Christmas.
Ohh!
[ Giggling ]
[ Limo Door Shuts ]
Oh, my God!
You like him?
What's his name?
I didn't give him a name.
You-- You choose somethin'.
[ Continues Giggling ]
I don't know.
He's chewing my hair up.
[ Growling ]
Look at his little face.
[ Yaps ]
Ooh!
He's so cute!
[ Yapping Continues ]
[ Imitates Barking ]
He's a cute one,
huh?
That's so sweet.
[ Guitar ]
[ Sleigh Bells
Jingling ]
[ Continues ]
Jingle bell, jingle bell
Jingle bell rock
Jingle bells swing
and jingle bells ring
Snowin' and blowin' up
bushels of fun
Now the jingle hop
has begun
Jingle bell, jingle bell
Jingle bell rock
[ Doorbell Chimes ]
Jingle bells chime
in jingle bell time
Dancin' and prancin'
in jingle bell square
Merry Christmas!
In the frosty air
Glad you could come.
Hi.
- [ Barking ]
- Whoa! What do you
say there, big guy?
Let's put them
by the tree.
Hi, Nicky!
[ Chattering ]
[ Barking Continues ]
[ Nicky ]
Come on, Daddy!
Hey, come here!
Help us, Jamie!
Help us! Help us!
Help us!
[ Chattering Continues ]
Jingle bell time
is a swell time
To go ridin'
in a one-horse sleigh
Daddy! Come on!
[ Laughing ]
Melissa.
What?
There's your boyfriend.
So what?
There's yours.
[ Loud Grunting ]
[ Laughing, Shouting ]
Get 'em!
Yeah.
That's the jingle bell
That's the jingle bell
There's my boyfriend.
That's
the jingle bell rock
[ Reggae ]
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man!
No casual sex
Once upon a time
Love with the proper stranger
was divine
Like vintage wine
To be tasted
Never wasted
There was a time
When your promiscuity
was fine
Now it's a crime
And the word
if you haven't heard is
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man!
No casual sex
Yeah, man!
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man!
No casual sex
Get up, man!
Once upon a time
A man with experience
was a welcome find
Top of the line
Sit back, baby
Just enjoy the ride
Now such a guy
Can't even get a date
on a Friday night
You know why
Girls are waitin',
interrogatin'
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man!
No casual sex
Yeah, man!
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man!
No casual
No more, no more
No more, no more, no more
No more, no more
No more, no more, no more
Something's happenin'
Somebody's runnin' then
All the innocent
happen to be horny men
Something's happenin'
Something's imminent
Just for livin' in
Sodom and Gomorr-again
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man
No casual sex
[ Howls ]
[ Trills ]
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Whoo! Whoo!
Once upon a time
Every girl was approachable
and primed
Now there's a sign
Hangs on the hearts
and the private parts
Says no more
casual sex, man
Hey, man!
No casual sex
Yeah, man!
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man!
No casual sex
Yeah, man!
Oooh-ooh-ooo-ooh
Oooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Bang-bang!
Oooh-ooh-ooo-ooh
Oooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Bang-bang!
Oooh-ooh-ooo-ooh
Oooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Bang-bang!
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man
No casual sex
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man
No casual sex
Come on! Hyah!
No casual sex
No more, no more
No more
No casual sex
Such a casualty
Casual sex
[ Singers Grunting, Shouting ]
Casual sex
Casual sex
Casual sex
[ Laughing,
Shouting Continues ]
Ohh!
Ohh!
[ Howls ]
[ Fades ]
[ Chorus ]
Ol, ol
ol, ol
Ol, ol
ol, ol
[ Man ]
Yes, sir
Ha, ha
[ People Hooting, Whistling ]
Yes, girls
Me mind on fire
Me soul on fire
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Party people
All around me
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Oh, what to do
on a night like this
Music sweet
I can't resist
We need
a party song
A fundamental jam
So we go
room, boom, boom, boom
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
See people rockin'
Hear people chantin'
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Keep up the spirit
Come on, let's do it
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
It's in the air
Celebration time
Music sweet
Captivate your mind
We have
this party song
This fundamental jam
So we go
room, boom, boom, boom
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
[ Woman ]
Casual Sex?
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
You gotta
be kidding.
I can't
deal with it.
Me neither.
Not anymore.
Just the thought of it
makes me paranoid.
We should introduce ourselves.
I'm Stacy.
I'm Melissa.
And right now we're both
scared of being single
and having sex.
I've always been
scared of sex.
Not me.
This is kind of embarrassing
to admit, but I remember when
it was actually fun to say,
"Wow, that really felt great.
What's your name again?"
I've never had
sex with someone
I didn't know.
For that matter I've never
said, "Wow, that felt
really great."
Sex always seemed like
the best way to feel
really connected with guys.
I guess that's cause
I grew up when I did.
I wasn't much of a trendsetter
during the sexual revolution.
It would have been a lot easier
if I would have been
more like Stacy.
Melissa,
you'll never guess what.
What?
Last night Kenny Kreiger
came over to
where I was babysitting.
- And guess what.
- What?
We were fooling around
and guess what happened.
What?
He made me touch it!
[ Both Squeal ]
It was so weird.
It was like skin,
only different.
What color was it?
I don't know.
I didn't look at it.
I just touched it.
You never saw it?
Well, I don't know.
It felt like... orange?
[ Both Squeal ]
By senior year, I saw it.
But I still couldn't
tell you what color it was.
A month after my 17th birthday,
I finally did it...
with it.
Is that it? Did we do it?
[ Boy ]
Yeah.
It kinda hurt,
but it was good.
Yeah. Did you see
my other shoe anywhere?
By my second year of college,
I knew I couldn't put it off
any longer.
I was the only virgin
left in the dorm...
except Ronny,
who knew even less
about sex than I did.
[ Exhales ]
Please, Ronny.
You're my best male friend,
and the first time I do it...
I want it to be with someone
I'm comfortable with.
[ Sighs ]
Well-- Okay.
But let's not get
all freaked out afterwards.
Thanks. I really
appreciate it.
[ Sighs ]
[ Flips Pages ]
I guess I should
undress now?
That would be good.
You want foreplay?
Yeah, that...
would be good.
[ Stacy ] I was especially hot
for struggling artistic types
with a lot of potential,
like Baylor Schneff,
neo-post-pop expressionist.
His lovemaking
was just like his art.
Primitive but passionate.
[ No Audio ]
Brian Ellis, lead guitarist
for Dripping Sweat.
I couldn't get enough
of those backstage passes.
Gunter Kroger,
the sous-chef that trained me--
He taught me to
trust my instincts
in the kitchen.
[ Laughs ]
Stop! I can't--
Joey Egan, the closing act
at the Giggle Box--
His timing was even better
horizontally.
[ Laughs ]
But not every man in my life
was an artistic genius.
Some I must admit
were very attractive strangers.
It was the early '80s,
and sex was still a good way
to meet new people.
[ Man ]
Uh, excuse me.
[ Melissa Narrating ]
I was never as adventurous
as Stacy.
Apart from that time
with Ronny, I only slept
with one other person.
Gary Erdman,
the guy I almost married.
[ TV Announcer ]
Three-pointer!
[ Melissa Narrating ]
I teach kindergarten,
and one of my kids fixed us up.
Well, actually
it was Joey's mom,
but Joey took the credit.
[ Urinating ]
God, I love the idea
of being married,
of not being by myself.
[ Toilet Flushes ]
Now with Gary, I thought
I was finally comfortable
with my own sexuality.
[ TV Announcer ]
No call. To Bird.
Inside. Off the glass.
[ Melissa Narrating ]
But deep down, I guess I knew
it wasn't gonna work.
Okay, so I didn't know,
but I had a feeling.
Gary?
Mm-hmm.
Do you love me?
Sure.
I love ya.
Unbelievable! The Celtics
always get the breaks.
[ Sighs ]
Two weeks before the wedding,
Gary changed his mind.
He said he was sorry,
but he was going through
a selfish phase.
Luckily, the tags
were still on my dress,
but I couldn't return
the 600 monogrammed napkins.
Just once I'd like to wear
a sexy white dress
blowing all around me...
and not have men
run away screaming.
Just once I'd like to have
the kind of sexual experience...
where you don't have
to go to the bathroom
and cry afterwards.
I bet Marilyn cried
in the bathroom after sex.
Probably more than once.
Everyone does.
Men too?
They can't.
They're asleep.
Maybe Melissa envied
my reckless past,
but some time
around the mid-'80s
I started regretting it.
One day I was standing in line
at the mini-mart, and I happened
to look at the magazine rack.
Time, Newsweek, People.
It was on every cover.
So, Stacy.
How are things
at the restaurant?
Oh, fine.
Yeah, when are they
gonna make you a chef?
Soon. Do you have my results?
Yeah, don't worry.
You're fine.
You tested for everything?
Yeah, I tested
for everything, okay?
And you're
perfectly healthy.
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
Good-bye, Stacy.
Oh, thank you, thank you,
thank you for sparing
a formerly flirtatious,
spontaneous, and let's face it,
much too promiscuous slamhound.
You won't be sorry,
'cause from now on I swear I'll
lead a life of pure sublimation.
I'll aerobicize
my little heart out.
I'll meditate.
I'll compose symphonies.
I'll do anything
to keep myself from ever
touching human flesh again.
I'll give new meaning
to the word "celibacy."
Ooh!
Stacy, you don't
have to commit to
lifelong celibacy.
Just practice safe sex.
Safe sex. Who'd have ever
thought those two words would
exist in the same sentence?
I don't know.
Maybe abstinence
isn't such a bad thing.
Beats sleepin' with guys
who don't call you back
afterwards.
And you and I have more
in common now that we're
both afraid of sex.
That's consoling.
I miss it.
I mean, I don't know how to
get close to men without it.
There's your boyfriend.
So what?
There's yours.
[ Snorting ]
Well, it's been 10 months
and 17 days,
and the only man
who looked safe to me
was Dr. Goodman.
And I wasn't
attracted to him.
Then it seemed like I wasn't
attracted to anybody,
and that scared me
more than AIDS did.
Where were you?
God, I'm sorry.
I got a great surprise.
What?
This is where we're going
on our vacation.
Okay.
"Oasis Health Spa."
They're all exercising.
That's not a vacation.
There's all kinds
of social events.
Look. There's dancing, parties.
Look how pretty it is.
I don't know.
My mom told me about
a cruise to Hawaii...
where we can
lay out in the sun
and be blobs for a week.
That's a vacation.
Yeah, but what kinda guys
are we gonna meet?
At this place at least
we know everybody's
into being healthy.
It'll help me
with my paranoia.
Stacy. How's it goin'?
[ Gasps ]
Hi, Baylor.
Do you remember him
from the Fringe festival?
Oh, yeah. Hi.
Stacy, I'm into something
totally different now.
[ Shudders ]
I can't even put it into words.
Why don't you come over?
[ Stuttering ]
I'm sorry. We're having lunch.
Oh, yeah. Okay, great.
Let me give you
my new address.
My new number.
Okay?
It's a garage arrangement.
Great.
[ Sighs ]
[ Giggles ]
I gotta
get out of this town.
Good-bye!
Yea!
[ Giggling ]
[ Man ]
Yes, sir
Ha, ha, yeah
We're so
color coordinated.
God, we're gonna be
the best lookin'
ones there.
[ Car Backfiring ]
[ Man ]
Me mind on fire
Me soul on fire
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Party people
All around me
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Oh, what to do
on a night like this
Music sweet
I can't resist
We need
a party song
A fundamental jam
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
I want you two to know
you got the biggest room
in the place.
Really?
Yeah. It used to
be the honeymoon suite
when this was a regular hotel.
Why don't you two
take a look around?
I'll get your luggage
up to your room.
Okay.
Ready to go
break some hearts?
Uh-huh.
Bye, darling.
Bye.
See people rockin'
Hear people chantin'
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
[ Melissa ]
Oh, wow!
This is beautiful.
Oh, my God. I feel
so much healthier now,
and we just checked in.
It's in the air
Celebration time
Music sweet
Captivates your mind
We have
this party song
This fundamental jam
So we go
room, boom, boom, boom
[ Chorus ]
Hot, hot, hot
Come on.
Hot, hot, hot
How ya doin'?
My name is Vinny.
Oh.
Hi.
Hi.
You girls better be nice to me.
I came all the way from New York
just to meet you.
- Really? What part?
- Actually,
Paterson, New Jersey.
You familiar with
the Straight Street exit?
Mmm.
Not really.
No? What ya do, you hop on
the George Washington Bridge.
When you get past
the Leona Park exit,
you pick up Highway 80...
which is also known
as the Passaic Highway.
Vinny, I'm sorry,
but we-we have to get back
to our rooms.
Our suitcases.
Yeah. Sorry. Bye.
That's your
boyfriend.
Did I say
go West on 80?
Hey, how ya doin'?
My name's Vinny.
I came all the way
from New York just
to meet with you.
A lot of people
don't know that.
Yeah.
[ Continues ]
Make way for the condom express.
[ Melissa ]
What's that?
Just in case
you fall in love.
There's enough in there
for the whole planet
to fall in love.
- Well, that's the point,
Melissa. Hello?
- [ Knocking ]
[ Man ]
Hello.
Hi.
Hi.
Welcome to Oasis.
Would you like
to come in?
Yeah. Okay.
Room service.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Jamie.
Uh, but for some reason,
I don't think you're
Chuck and Eli?
Oh, no. This is Melissa,
and I'm Stacy.
What can we do for you?
Uh-- Uh, part of my job
is to take the measurements
of all the male guests.
- [ Scoffs ]
- [ Chuckles ]
Uh, you're not hiding
Chuck and Eli in here, are you?
No.
[ Sighs ]
Why don't you take our
measurements? We gotta
get it over with anyway.
Right. Right.
[ Whispers ]
Confidence.
Well, come on. Who's first?
These aren't really my hips.
They're a cruel joke
that runs in my family.
Melissa, why are you
being so hard on yourself?
You look great.
Yeah,
I absolutely agree.
Now, Melissa, I have yet to meet
anyone who has come here totally
satisfied with their bodies.
Now, you may not have noticed,
but I'm not exactly what you
would call--
- Tall?
- Tall. Yeah.
And I've never
liked my feet.
Really?
I love my feet.
If you'd like me
to provide you with
some vital statistics...
that can't be measured
in a public place,
I'd be happy
to do so.
You mean your I.Q.?
My weight's okay.
It's just the way I wear it.
[ Gasps ]
[ Woman ]
Natural spring water.
From deep underground.
It purifies. It cleanses.
And everyone must drink
at least 10 glasses of it
a day.
Ooh!
How you doin',
Megan?
Pretty good.
You look good.
All right.
Thank you.
[ Jamie ]
Come on, with some energy.
Pick those knees up.
Pick 'em up!
Pick 'em up!
Oh, come on, Bianca.
Have some fun.
[ Jamie Laughs ]
[ Panting ]
Megan obviously got
the good trampoline.
Don't let it get to you.
Just think if you separated
her individual body parts...
with, say, like,
a huge meat cleaver and then
laid them out on a table,
you wouldn't think
she was such hot stuff.
You got
your flag?
- Hi. I'm Nick.
- I'm Stacy.
Hi, Stacy.
This is my friend
Melissa.
Hi, Melissa.
Hi.
Wow, did you guys
get all dressed up for me?
I'd love to say yes, but I was
really just hoping we'd look
fantastic in these beanies.
And you will.
But you need the flags
for the full effect.
Okay.
Okay?
Dig in.
Now remember,
don't show your flag until
Frankie gives you the word.
- All right.
- I hope you meet someone nice.
Okay.
[ Stacy ]
Let's get a drink, okay?
[ Melissa ] Okay.
I need
to cool off.
Hi.
Hey, hi.
It's Chuck and Eli.
Good to see you.
Welcome. Welcome to
the spa beverage center.
You guys want
something to drink?
I take it that's got
mineral water in it.
Ninety-seven percent,
just like your body.
If it was like my body,
it would be 97% ice cream.
I'll have some
guava juice, please.
Okay.
How about you, Melissa?
You remembered my name.
Hello! Okay, everybody.
Get over here. Come on.
Come back anytime day or night.
I live for makin' this stuff.
[ Emcee ] Okay, everybody.
Get over here. Come on. Come on.
Okay.
That guy's got
the biggest boner for you.
Stacy, he makes
fruit drinks.
He's a nutritionist.
You're a kindergarten teacher.
I say go for it.
No way. He's one
of those, you know,
really nice guys...
you just joke around with
like somebody's brother.
Wait. Where is everybody?
I thought you disappeared,
you all look so thin already!
I can't believe it.
[ Crowd Laughs ]
This is International Night.
Here's your chance to say...
bonjour, guten abend,
buongiorno and howdy
to all your new best friends.
[ Crowd Cheers, Applause ]
I hope you kept your flags
well hidden, because if you
haven't guessed by now,
the person whose flag
matches yours will be your date
for the evening, okay?
But now the moment has come.
So let's unfurl our flags.
Let's take them out right now.
Let's wave them up in the air,
shall we? Come on.
There we go. Wave them.
- Yea!
- There we go.
This is how it works.
You take your flag and
you stick it in the lovely hole
right on top of your head.
That's right.
Just like that.
Then when I blow the whistle,
you run, find your partner,
fall in love and have babies.
Yes, it's that easy.
[ Chuckles ]
Get ready, and--
[ Whistle Blows ]
[ Emcee ]
Come on! Find him! Good!
Stacy, I see my guy.
He's gorgeous.
Ecuador. Ecuador.
Ecuador!
Hello.
I'm Matthew.
Melissa.
So.
So.
You know what
I'm noticing?
How significant
a first encounter is.
Every word forms
an irreversible impression.
Yeah. You look really good
in that hat.
Let's talk.
What's your name again?
Melissa.
Melissa.
Excuse me. Hi.
Could you do me
a little tiny favor?
You see, the guy
I got matched up with,
I know him already.
I was kinda hopin' to meet
someone new. So, would you
mind just trading with me?
I think we should just
stick to the rules.
Listen, nobody is even
gonna know about this.
All right?
This guy is so worth it.
I mean, ooh!
What's he like?
Oh, total class.
Way cool.
You gotta meet him.
You'll drop dead.
[ Sighs ]
I don't think so. I'm s--
Please? As a personal
little favor for me.
I'm telling you.
You're gonna be thanking me.
[ Sighs ]
Okay.
Great.
You know what Dutch men
are like too, don't you?
Real handsome
and virile and big.
Hey! Stacy! Holland.
Do you fuckin' believe that?
Mm-hmm. I can.
[ Grunting ]
Can I ask you
a personal question?
Sure.
What do you think
of this body, huh?
Well, you're real muscular, and
I'm sure some women like that.
Oh, they do.
I mean, this body is meant
to be enjoyed by people,
you know?
I could trash it, but no,
I choose to beautify it
like Central Park.
Great. Just stay away
from it at night.
Oh, come on, baby.
Be brave.
Let's take
a little carriage ride
through the park, huh?
No, thanks.
I've already seen it.
No. Not all of it.
Not that giant new monument
goin' up, baby. Oh.
I'm concerned about
this penis size thing.
I wanna know how men feel.
Is it really such a big deal
with you guys?
Like, do you obsess about it?
Do you measure it and compare it
to the penis next to yours
in the men's room?
Do you secretly wish
there was some sort of
penis development cream...
or machine at the gym?
Gary told me
they're all the same size
when they're erect.
[ Exhales ]
So, anyway,
like I was sayin',
I'm driving this rich couple
around in my limo, right?
Then, get this.
Mr. Big Bucks waves a couple 20s
in front of my face,
says he wants me
to get it on with his wife
while he watches, right?
You know what
I'm talkin' about,
right, snapper head?
Yeah, good.
Anyway, next thing you know,
bada-bing, bada-bang.
The lady climbs
over the front seat,
hops on the armrest...
and starts beggin' me
to rip off her gown.
She's gettin' all hot,
naturally, and he is too...
from all this heavy breathin'
I hear in the backseat.
He's yellin',
"Nail her, nail her!"
[ Chuckles ]
I look in the rearview.
The guy's havin' some kind
of asthma attack.
Turns out he's yellin',
"Inhaler, inhaler!"
So we gotta do a little
detour over to St. Vincent's.
They get out.
I don't see no money
and worst of all,
the Vin Man's left with
a very frustrated Mr. Peabody.
[ Bites Nails, Spits ]
I only hope that woman
is resilient enough to overcome
her unfulfilled desires for you.
You know, Matthew's
a psychologist.
I just love therapy.
I think everyone
should be in therapy.
That would be good for me.
Actually,
I'm here to do research
for a book I'm writing...
on the psychosexual tendencies
of premenopausal females.
Yeah, me too.
Vinny, look, you don't have
to walk me all the way there.
It's okay.
Oh, no. No, no.
I'm your date.
You're my responsibility.
Safety. There are a lot
of creeps around here.
You don't know that.
All right, Vinny.
Thanks. Bye.
Hey, that's nice carpet
you got in there.
Is that new?
Vinny, that's it.
The date's over.
Vinny, look,
you've been all over me
for the past three hours.
I think
I've been pretty tolerant...
because it seems like
there's a very funny,
appealing guy in there.
Somewhere.
Good night.
Maybe I'll come in.
We'll talk about it.
That's a valid point.
Bye.
Yeah, I mean, uh--
[ Sighs ]
Maybe we'll do it
again some time, huh?
Yeah. I gotta go anyway.
Really. No, Stacy.
Stacy, don't beg.
It don't look good on you.
Really, another time.
Please, please, please.
I mean, I realize--
I'm the best
from the East
I'm a wild crazy beast
I'm the Vin Man
Please, honey.
Not tonight.
[ Sighs ]
[ Karate Yell ]
[ Vinny Grunting ]
That's a boy.
Here you go.
[ Screams ]
[ Instructor ]
97, 98, 99--
[ Man ] Keep goin'!
Ooh!
It's horrible.
It's not that bad, Melissa.
Yes, it is.
I feel like
a windshield
wiper.
[ Groans ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Giggling ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Panting ]
[ Groans ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Stacy ]
Melissa,
there's your boyfriend.
[ Gasps ]
[ Laughs ]
We gotta do it.
Let's go.
[ Whimpers ]
[ Scoffs ]
I can't.
I can't either,
but we have to.
Come on.
You havin' fun?
Yes.
This is the most perfect date
I've ever been on.
Stacy, how are you?
Jim Farrell.
We went to the prom together.
I took Stacy's virginity.
How about that?
Nick, get me
outta here.
No, wait.
I wanna thank you.
'Cause of all the help you
gave me with my trig homework,
I got accepted to M.I.T.
I'm not
an underachiever anymore.
Congratulations.
Thanks. Yeah.
How have
you been?
Fine.
I've missed you.
You've changed
my life, you know.
After being with you, I had
the courage to sit down...
and write a Pulitzer Prize
winning novel.
You might just recognize
the heroine.
- Who are you?
- Kenny Kreiger.
Don't you remember?
[ Scoffs ]
You touched it.
Thanks so much
for doing that,
by the way.
I bragged to everyone
at school about it.
Now I'm so popular,
I'm running for
class president.
[ Groans ]
Psst. Psst. Psst.
Stacy. Stacy,
remember me?
Mike Sullivan--
The guy that never
called you back.
Well, I've been paying for
that mistake every day since.
I'm a complete failure.
I can't hold a steady job.
I had to move back in
with my parents.
I'd call you now,
but they won't let me
use the phone.
They just
won't let me use--
I'll always
call you back.
You have nothing
to worry about with me.
Nothing?
Nothing.
And you'll be starting
a clean slate.
[ Moans ]
Even though
I'm incredibly sexy,
I have never...
been to bed
with anyone...
in my entire life.
Oh, my God.
[ Man ]
Do you, Melissa,
take Gary to be
your lawfully wedded husband,
to honor and cherish
from this day forth,
as long as
you both may live?
[ Melissa ] I do.
Gary, do you take
Melissa to be your
lawful wedded wife,
to honor and cherish from
this day forth for as long
as you both may live?
I do.
[ Man ]
Stop!
Melissa, you don't
have to marry him.
I'll marry you.
- I'll marry you.
- I'll marry you, Melissa.
Who are you?
You don't know me.
But your parents do,
and they love me.
- Melissa.
- I love you, Melissa.
Melissa, I love you.
I'll marry you.
Melissa, I love you.
You can trust me.
I love you, Melissa.
[ Men ]
I love you, Melissa.
I'll marry you.
It was the weirdest dream.
I have no idea
how those thoughts
got into my head.
I have no imagination.
You're horny.
I am not horny.
I hate that word.
I'm extraordinarily horny.
I haven't had sex
since a year ago, April.
Wow. That's an even longer
stretch than me. Why?
Well, I found out my boyfriend
was seeing other women,
and I had to end it.
It was making me
too nervous.
Yeah.
Now when you're with a guy,
you're not just sleeping
with him.
You're sleeping
with everyone
they've had sex with.
And everyone
they've had sex with.
[ Together ]
And everyone
they've had sex with.
Gee, I'm a lot
more experienced
than I thought I was.
[ Giggles ]
What do you miss most
about sex?
[ Sighs ]
I miss falling asleep
with someone's arms around me.
- And the feeling of...
- Orgasm?
[ Chuckles ]
I love orgasms.
[ Groans ]
I'm sick of my Mighty Intruder
vibrator with the flexible shaft
and the textured head.
[ Both Laugh ]
I wish I missed it
as much as you guys do.
What about Gary?
Didn't you guys have some
down and dirty sex? Hmm?
Well, um, one time,
we did it twice in a row.
And the first time
it wasn't too bad.
And the second time,
it took a lot longer.
And... I came so close.
Haven't you ever
had an orgasm?
Oh, yeah, sure.
[ Chuckles ]
Well, not really.
I mean, not with
someone else in the room.
Melissa, you never
told me that before.
Well, it's okay.
I mean, it'll work itself out.
Well, it took me a while
to figure it out too.
It's complicated for women.
But I think
it's-it's best on top.
You know, if you take control
and then, like,
really move around...
till you find
the right spot?
Really?
I like to be
on the bottom.
And I just
move my hips like this.
You can have one
with the guy on top?
- Mm-hmm?
- I hate you.
God,
how do you do that?
Just like this.
What? Wh-What?
- What are you doin'?
A circle?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, just
a little circle.
Like a little "O."
- What are you doing here?
- Didn't you schedule
a massage?
You?
The very best.
Ay-yi-yi.
[ Sighs ]
[ Giggles ]
I can't--
Um, I can't help it.
Why don't we try
a real easy exercise?
It might help you
loosen up a little.
Okay.
All right, I want you
to pay attention
to your breathing.
In.
[ Inhaling ]
And out.
[ Exhaling ]
That's good.
Now, try to imagine...
that your body
is very heavy.
That shouldn't be
hard to imagine.
[ Whispers ]
Hey, only positive thoughts.
Okay.
[ Screams, Giggling ]
[ Piano ]
[ Chattering, Laughing ]
[ Stops ]
[ Resumes ]
- Oh, hi.
- Sounds great.
Yeah, thanks.
It's just somethin'
I've been workin' on.
Don't let me interrupt you.
No, no, you're not.
I was stuck anyway.
Do you write a lot of songs?
I used to.
I used to be in a band.
Ever heard of
Bruce Springsteen?
Yeah.
I have a lot
of his records.
[ Laughs ]
No, I really
was a musician,
but I, um-- I gave it up
for a rewarding career
as a health shaper.
Don't you miss it?
You're really talented.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Yeah. Thanks.
I do. I do miss it,
but I can't complain.
I'm gettin' paid
to stay in shape, right?
What about your plans later?
I mean, after your spa career.
I don't know.
There's some things
I'm workin' on.
I'm puttin'
some things together.
I'm workin' on stuff.
There's a lot
of things goin' on.
Right.
See you later.
Get back to work.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Rock ]
[ Chattering, Laughing ]
Hey,
what's goin' on?
[ Grunting ]
How about one
of your special drinks?
I thought you'd never ask.
That's
a pretty dress.
Thank you.
It makes you
look feminine.
Melissa, why don't we dance?
Okay.
Okay?
Jamie, back to work.
I need an aggressive
beverage.
Let's dance.
Here I go
She's a wild card
Won't let go
She's a wild card
[ Continues ]
The way you move,
it's so expressive.
Most women would be
too embarrassed to really
let themselves go like that.
Do you know how
complex you are, Melissa?
Um, I think so.
I feel the need
to understand you,
to know why you are
who you are...
and how you
became that way.
And when.
How about a real drink,
huh?
Oh, I don't know.
You don't know?
Come on. Take a shot, baby.
Get this party rollin'.
Well, just a little.
I don't want to ruin
the effects of my colonic.
Then when I was 13
I got caught plagiarizing
from the World Book...
and my dad ripped my phone
out of the wall.
Then he said I had to return
my American Legion award
in front of the whole school...
because I didn't
deserve it...
because you're supposed
to be honest.
And so I cried the whole night
because I couldn't figure out...
how I was going to
stand in front
of the whole school...
and give back my
American Legion award.
They would think
I was crazy.
The next day at school
my heart was pounding
the whole day--
Oh, I can
tell you later.
[ Sighs ]
Melissa, did you know that women
experience 63% more heightened
neurological sensitivity...
during the arousal phase
than during climax itself?
Really?
I like all the phases.
I should stop.
But you don't want to,
right?
I feel so many things
right now.
This is kind of interesting.
They were really easy
getting on.
[ Applause, Cheering ]
Hello!
I cannot tell you
how excited I am to bring you
an unexpected treat tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud
to present our very own...
Mr. Nick Lawrence.
[ Cheering ]
[ Electric Piano ]
I can really see you
You are really here
And when we touch
You don't disappear
It's nothin'
like I planned
It's all that I'm worth
It's strange and beautiful
It's heaven and earth
And who you really are
And who I really am
Come shinin' through
Shinin' through
[ Continues ]
[ Kissing ]
What's the matter?
[ Grunts ]
We have a problem.
What is it?
[ Sighs ]
I can't. I'm sorry.
Is it me?
No, no, no.
It's not you.
It's me. I'm not
attracted to you.
Oh.
Now, I don't want you to
take this as a rejection...
but rather as an acceptance
between two people whose needs
are profoundly incompatible.
And you're not alone.
I'm going to devote
an entire chapter
to this in my book.
- You want me
to walk you back?
- No, that's okay.
Melissa,
I know you're hurting,
but whatever you do
don't judge those feelings.
They're just feelings.
They're great.
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
I really wish you
hadn't seen that.
We gotta find a hero
Somewhere, sometime
We gotta be strong
With love on our mind
Oh, no
Rescue each other
Hold on in the end
To the hand of a stranger
The hand of a friend
- Behind your eyes
- Everything I believed in
[ Background Singers ]
Ohh
I see myself in you
Behind your eyes
Behind your eyes
I found something new
There behind your eyes
Behind your eyes
I found the face
that I never knew
Before
Behind your eyes
[ Cheering, Applause Continue ]
Oh!
[ Vinny Groans ]
- Hey!
- Vinny!
- Hi.
- You're drunk.
It's happy hour.
Could've fooled me.
Oh, you want a shot?
No, I better not.
Okay.
There.
That'll make you
feel better.
[ Sighs ]
It's good stuff,
huh?
Ahh.
It's good, see.
We'll have
our own party.
Okay?
Just me and you.
What kind of a party?
Um-- All right,
this is what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna tell you a joke,
a funny joke,
a joke you're gonna like.
What happens--
You laugh, you gotta
take a shot of this.
If you don't laugh,
I gotta take a shot.
Okay.
All right,
here's the joke.
All right, there's
this old guy, right?
He's like 80 years old,
maybe 81.
It doesn't matter after 30.
You know what I'm sayin'?
So anyway,
this guy says, uh,
he wants one last night...
of really havin'
a good time, you know.
So he goes out,
he hops a few bars,
meets this bimbo, right?
Bada-bing, bada-bang.
They're goin' at it
all night long.
She was young,
like 19 years old.
I'm surprised the guy
even lived through that,
right?
What's the funny part?
I'm gettin' to that.
I'm gettin'
to the funny part,
all right?
Don't put me
under pressure here.
So now what happens,
the guy goes to confession
a few days later, right?
So he's tellin'
the priest everything,
like play-by-play,
what happened
that night.
So the priest says,
"Say 20 Hail Marys,
and you'll get forgiveness."
So the guy tells the priest,
"I ain't even Catholic."
So the priest says to him,
"Then why are you tellin' me
this whole story?"
He goes,
"I'm not just tellin' you.
I'm tellin' everybody."
[ Giggles ] You see
what I'm sayin' to you?
[ Chuckles ]
I don't get it.
Well, they're not
all golden, honey,
you know?
What about you?
You got a joke?
Uh, this is one that
the kids at school told me.
Why did the chicken go
halfway across the street?
Why?
He wanted
to lay it on the line.
You're not laughing.
Oh, not yet.
Not yet.
Inside, it's building.
It's building.
About a half hour from now
I'll be rollin'
all over the beach.
You won't
be able to stop me.
I'll be in hysterics.
[ Giggling ]
Wait. I get one, to be fair.
Okay.
All right.
I tell you what.
You like charades?
You like charades?
All right.
All right, um--
What is this?
It's a movie, right?
Nick, I think we should
talk about something,
but it's no big deal.
What?
Well, it's
kinda hard to say.
Well, then, whisper it.
It's been a long time
for me, and the thing is,
I feel like I should
ask you questions,
but I don't want
to interrogate you.
Medical history questions?
Yes.
You have to be so careful,
and you don't know
who anybody's been with.
I'm not saying anything
about you, but I--
I know. Shh.
Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.
This is a miracle.
For once,
it's all up to him.
No tubes, no jellies,
no furtive trip
to the bathroom.
I can just sit back
and let it happen.
I don't have
to do anything.
I'm not too good
with these things.
You think you
can give me a hand
putting it on?
Sure.
[ Man ] The good news
is that your Blue Cross
will cover this visit.
The bad news is
that you have herpes
simplex one and two,
trichomonas, gonorrhea,
acute immune deficiency
syndrome-related complex,
vulvar lesions,
secondary syphilis,
venereal warts...
and a potentially
unbearable case
of the crabs.
But he was only
the third guy in my life,
and the first one
didn't count.
No, all contact counts.
But I thought
I had safe sex.
Oh, no sex is safe enough
for you, Melissa.
Well, enjoy the rest
of your vacation.
[ Melissa Screams ]
[ Ducks Quacking ]
[ Groans ]
We must've
fallen asleep.
[ Both Groan ]
Oh, I wish
I were dead.
[ Heaving ]
[ Heaving Continues ]
I'll be all right.
Cigarette, honey?
No.
[ Lighter Flicks ]
Uh--
Where you goin'?
I'm going back to my room
to take a shower.
Hey, don't worry
about it.
You know, uh,
we'll do it again
some time.
[ Sighs ]
Chicks.
I'm the best from the East
I'm a wild, crazy beast
I'm the Vin Man
[ Chuckles ]
[ Nick ]
That was the most intense
it's ever been for me.
I feel like I died
for a second.
[ Stacy ]
Me too.
But it wasn't like dying.
It was more like sinking.
[ Sighs ]
[ Nick ]
It was like flying.
Yeah, flying.
[ Nick ]
Not just flying,
but actually hurtling
through outer space,
galaxy after galaxy.
Sorry. I can't get
a cab here in time.
You won't be able
to make the 8:00 bus.
Oh, yes, I will.
Well, there's
another one at 2:00.
No, I can't stay here
any longer.
Will you please see
that Stacy Hunter gets that?
Melissa, you're not
leaving us, are you?
Melissa, seeking escape
from a challenging
environment...
points to potentially
very serious
personality deficits.
You really ought
to consider analysis.
[ Grunts ]
[ Melissa ]
Asshole.
[ Spits, Coughing ]
Hop in the back, honey.
Thanks.
Thanks.
All right.
Bye-bye.
Can I make
the bus to L.A.?
Just missed it.
[ Exhales ]
Damn it.
[ Exhales ]
Next one leaves
at 2:00.
Okay.
I'll take one
for the 2:00.
Excuse me.
Melissa told me
to give you this.
Thanks.
Thank you.
What is it?
[ Sighs ]
Melissa
went back to L.A.
All my fault.
I gotta go home.
You're just gonna leave?
I have to.
She doesn't have
anybody else.
Come on. Stacy!
Stacy.
I wanna go with you.
Well, I'd love that,
but what about
your classes?
I'll get someone
to cover for me.
[ Laughing ]
I'm gonna go with ya.
[ Woman Crying ]
[ Crying Continues ]
I lied.
I was extremely
attracted to you.
I just didn't want you
to see my unusually small penis.
Wait.
Melissa, you're alive!
Jamie, I am.
Kiss me.
Jamie.
Kiss me.
Jamie.
Jamie.
Jamie.
Jamie.
Jamie. You're here.
Yeah.
What are you doing here?
I just wanted to make sure
you were all right.
I guess I better pack
Melissa's stuff too, huh?
I hope she's okay.
You know,
I've been thinkin', Stacy.
Yeah?
I might wanna stay
in L.A. for a while.
But you'll lose your job.
Yeah, well, maybe that's
not such a bad thing.
I mean, L.A.'s where all
the music people are, right?
Yeah.
I could
give it a shot.
You should.
You're so good.
[ Mutters ]
And you could stay
at my place.
Really?
- [ Sighs ]
- Do you really
have to go home?
I don't know.
I just feel so left out
at that place.
But if I go home,
then it's like I just gave up.
Besides, what if my body starts
to crave that mineral water?
[ Brakes Squeaking ]
Can we have two tickets, please?
Yeah. We're going
to Hollywood.
- Why don't you just put it
on your credit card?
- I don't have one.
- Really?
- [ Laughs ]
Yeah.
I don't believe in 'em.
Oh.
Well, look, just put 'em both
on my credit card, and you can
write me a check later.
No checking account.
Oh. Well--
Besides, I've got more
in my wallet.
[ Nick ]
Goin' to Hollywood.
Feel it, feel it
[ Continues ]
Jamie,
I am so glad you're back.
You gotta take over Nick's
aerobics classes for me.
Why? Where's Nick?
He eloped with Stacy back
to L.A. God, it was beautiful.
What?
Jamie, please.
I tried teaching
one of the classes myself.
I almost passed out.
It was really embarrassing.
All right, sure. No problem.
Thanks, sport.
Nick.
I can't believe it.
Stacy would
never get married
without telling me.
Let's go see
what's going on.
Why didn't she tell me?
Hi, Chopper.
Hey, there she is--
my favorite tenant.
Hi, Gus.
This is Nick.
Oh. Yeah.
Nice to meet ya.
Nick.
Hey, you can put those bags
out by the dumper.
Okay, buddy?
[ Giggles ]
Come on.
Oh, wow!
This is beautiful.
My God.
This is beautiful.
Stacy!
Where are you?
I'm in your apartment.
Where the hell are you?
I'm here.
Why are you there?
Well,
you were in trouble.
So I came to help,
and I dragged Nick
back with me. This is nuts!
Didn't you guys run off
to get married?
No. Like
I'd almost marry someone
I met two seconds ago.
I mean, I know him enough
to know I wanna know him better,
but that's not the point.
The point is,
your note scared me!
I'm-- I'm really sorry
I got you all worried.
All right.
At least I know you're okay.
Stacy, I hope things work out
between you and Nick.
Yeah, thanks.
Look, I gotta go.
Are you sure you're okay?
Are you sure you don't
want me to come back there?
I-I-I'm fine.
I gotta go.
All right. Bye.
[ Sighs ]
Guess I'm not
going anywhere.
I don't get it.
I'm hot, tight,
vastly entertaining.
I thought
that's what women want.
I know the feeling, pal.
What do you say we go
into the gift shop...
and get you a nice,
free Oasis T-shirt?
How's that sound?
You know, I used to have it
all figured out.
It's like women changed
when I had my back turned.
Yeah, it's rough.
You know,
I read something.
Where is it?
Here it is.
Here you go.
"The Pretend You're Sensitive
Handbook."
Nice save, hon.
Yeah.
I can't believe
how much stuff I got.
But I want you to know...
I'm not gonna take up
any of your closet space.
What I'd like to do--
Hon--
What I'd like to do is
stick everything over here
in the corner...
and then get one of those
cardboard drawer things,
you know.
You don't have to do that.
I-I can make room.
- You're so easy to live with.
- Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]
So here.
Here's my contribution
to the apartment.
Oh.
Well,
I guess I'll just go put
these away right now.
That's great.
Think I got another one
in here too, hon.
[ Panting ]
Help.
Jamie, you know,
you've done everything
a human could possibly do
this week to make me happy.
Not everything.
Well,
I--
Yeah, I know.
But, uh, you--
Just, like--
I feel like I-- You--
Uh--
It just wouldn't
feel right for me
to get romantic with you.
Why not?
Well, um, you're not
the usual kind of guy
that I'm attracted to.
Oh. No?
I mean, you're
really attractive, but--
but, um--
I mean, I thought maybe
we should just stick
to being friends.
[ Scatting ]
Hey, Stace!
You wanna cruise up and down
Sunset Boulevard?
You can show me
where all the stars
hang out, hon.
Oh, Nick, you won't believe
what just happened.
I called into work.
There's a big emergency.
They need me. I gotta go.
Really?
Yeah. Oven problems
or something.
Oh.
But I'll be back
just as soon as I can,
and I'll call you, okay?
You just stay here
and have a good time, okay?
Okay. Hey,
and I love it here, hon.
Oh.
[ Door Opens ]
You think it's too late
to use the stereo?
[ Door Closes ]
[ Door Opens ]
I need a small car that's
really easy to handle.
You'll be fine.
Just take your time
and don't be intimidated
by it, okay?
Okay. Thanks, Keith.
[ Engine Starts, Revs ]
[ Tires Squealing ]
[ Crying ]
Ah.
[ Kissing ]
[ Exhales,
Sniffles ]
Wow. Do I look
any different?
Gosh, I'm
so good in bed.
Jamie.
What?
I never thought
it would happen to me.
You're a genius.
I'm a genius.
I bet I could
even do it again.
Maybe we should wait
a few minutes.
[ Chuckles ]
Okay.
Okay.
[ Tires Screech ]
[ Door Closes ]
Can I have the key
to Room 34, please?
Stacy, so nice to see you.
Uh, do you have
a few minutes?
I mean, it occurred to me.
I don't even know
where you work.
Where I work?
Yeah, your career plans,
your dreams,
your aspirations.
I really wanna hear
all about them.
What I want?
I don't even know.
Ask me what
anyone else wants.
Give me three seconds,
I'll figure out
your whole entire life.
Would you...
maybe wanna share
something with me...
about your
childhood perhaps?
Vinny, what the hell
are you talking about?
I'm in a big rush.
Look, I have to go talk
to Melissa.
'Cause if I don't figure out
something about my life soon,
I'm gonna crack.
I respect
your strength, Stacy,
and I think you've got
a lot of potential.
- Mmm.
- [ Door Opens ]
Stacy.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
I should have knocked.
I-I didn't even think.
I'm sorry. Good-bye.
Stacy, what are you
doing here?
Oh, I didn't mean
to barge in on you guys.
Something's the matter.
Why are you here?
I don't know.
He's in my apartment.
Who?
There's sneakers all over
the living room,
and soon there's
gonna be cardboard drawers.
But who?
He thinks I'm a huge doll,
and the worst part
is he's so nice.
- Who's he?
- Nick.
Stacy, congratulations.
I hear you're married.
- I'm not married!
- Oops.
- I'm not married.
- Stacy, come in here.
Hi, Jamie.
Hi.
We're just gonna talk
for a second.
I'd leave, but I'm naked.
That's okay.
We'll just go in here.
Why is Nick
suddenly living with you?
'Cause I thought
I was in love with him.
Uh-huh?
[ Exhales ]
I think it was the sex.
I was celibate
for so long,
I started
to feel like a can
of kitchen cleanser.
You know, sterile
and gritty and abrasive.
And when we made love--
I don't know.
I felt like
a human again.
An mammal with breasts.
[ Sighs ]
And also he's
very talented. He's--
Stop.
Not the talented thing.
Okay.
I know. You're right.
He's the same guy again.
So, what are you
gonna do?
Well, I guess maybe
we could stay together...
until Nick gets settled
in L.A., and then when he--
Stacy.
End it.
Go back to L.A.
and just do it.
Shit.
You're right.
I am, aren't I?
I'm gonna do it.
It's a test of my--
my new maturity.
[ Whispering ]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, Jamie's in there.
I know.
Can you believe it?
[ Whispering ]
[ Gasps ]
Oh!
Oh! Did he have one too?
[ Shower Running ]
[ Frankie Singing ]
[ Screams ]
It didn't work!
What? What? What?
It didn't work!
What?
The book. The book.
Don't get mad.
I'm not mad.
Look, a guy like me
cannot pretend.
Do you understand
I'm from Jersey?
It's like-- I know
this guy, Joey, right?
He-- He's in jail now.
He kills three people
with a knife.
But he didn't fake it.
He did it!
Look-- Look, Frankie.
I-I gotta get out of here.
I gotta get back to my roots,
put my head together,
do some thinkin'.
Hey, I'm sorry. I tried.
Oh, you--
you've been beautiful.
You're special.
I relate to you.
[ Door Closes ]
Good-bye.
[ Tires Screeching ]
Think she'll do it?
I hope so.
Hey, Stacy! Stacy!
Yo, Stace,
would you give me
a lift to the bus station?
I've had it
with this place, really.
I promise
I won't hit on you.
I won't even breathe.
Oh--
Come on.
Okay, okay. Hurry up.
Thanks.
I appreciate this.
Really.
Oh, man.
No problem.
So, why are you leaving?
I was havin' too much fun
for one person.
I tell ya somethin'.
I give up on this whole
relationship thing.
I mean, I was bombin' out
so bad at that place.
I would've shaved
between my eyebrows
if I thought it would help.
Tell me somethin'.
How do you do it?
Do what?
This whole man-woman
relationship thing.
I mean,
how do you do it?
Like-- Like when you're
with your friends, you know,
and, uh, you can just talk
and do whatever you do.
Someone you're
comfortable with, you know?
Only like, you know--
like on a romantic level.
[ Stacy Narrating ]
Okay, when I first met Vinny,
I thought this guy
is a living argument
for birth control.
But as I get
to know him better,
I realize he's just like
the rest of us-- a mess.
- [ Tires Screech ]
- [ Engine Stops ]
[ Sighs ]
So I dropped Vinny off
at the bus station...
[ Mouthing Words ]
and rushed home
to face Nick.
I'd rehearsed every word
I was gonna say... out loud.
I'd covered all the angles.
There was no way he could
talk me out of it.
[ Nick ]
Stace?
Nick.
Hey!
I went shopping.
Boy, these are
gonna last forever.
And wait till you see
the stuff I got for you
to make us breakfast.
Waffles.
Great stuff, huh?
And I got this big thing
of butter. Look at it.
Nick! Nick.
This isn't working.
Why?
You don't like waffles?
I-- It's--
It's not--
It's not that.
It's that we don't--
don't have any syrup.
[ Laughs ]
Ahh.
You know, it's like
I was meant to come here.
I mean, everything--
It feels, man--
It feels so right.
Really?
Yeah.
I feel so inspired.
You know, last night
when you were working,
I started
on this new song.
Oh, guess what
it's called.
"Stacy."
Wow.
[ Laughs ]
It's got this really
great bass line in it.
Now, just listen to this.
Um--
[ Humming Bass Line ]
[ Continues ]
Nick, that's great,
but--
Mm-hmm.
Okay, wait.
[ Continues ]
Stacy
- Nick--
- Oh, Stacy
Okay. Anyway,
that's all I got so far.
Really, I like it.
Uh-- [ Clears Throat ]
But, uh, look, uh--
This is kinda
difficult to say,
but I, uh--
I kinda have a problem.
Well, is it about money?
Aw, honey, don't worry.
I can get some dumb job
until somethin' else happens.
I am feelin' so confident.
Really.
It's not about the money.
It's about us
living together.
Well, you wanna get
a bigger place?
No, it's not the size
of the apartment, Nick.
Well, what--
what is it?
Look, I know that I c--
convinced you to come here,
and I know I kinda
helped you quit your job,
but it's about
our relationship.
Nick.
Yeah.
It's not gonna work.
Well,
I thought we had something
pretty special here.
It's not your fault.
It's me.
I'll end up taking care
of you, and I'll forget
all about myself.
Oh, you don't have
to take care of me.
Christ.
Nick, I will.
You don't know me.
I-I'm that way with men.
I-I-- I just lose myself.
I disappear.
You know,
but you heard them when
I was singin', didn't ya?
They loved me.
It's gonna be
the same way here in L.A.
I can't do it
this time, Nick.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
That's okay.
But let me tell you,
you're making a big mistake,
'cause I am gonna make it.
Good.
I'm gonna be huge.
I'm gonna be bigger
than huge.
I'm gonna be on the cover
of Rolling Stone magaz--
No, forget that.
I'm gonna be on the cover
of Time magaz-- No!
Forget that.
I--
I am gonna have...
more fans than Elvis!
Good.
Yeah!
And I won't even be dead.
Think about it.
[ Exhales ]
[ Stacy Narrating ]
Well, Nick packed up
his Heftys,
and I haven't heard
from him since.
After Nick, I kind of
took a break from guys
for a while... again.
You got me.
I know.
But I was
hoping for something
a little more romantic.
Oh.
Tell 'em
about the letter.
You think?
Yeah, tell 'em.
Okay.
"Dear Stacy,
I hope you don't mind me
writing to you,
but the only other letter
I ever wrote was to
the editor of Flex magazine,
and that was just to say
how much I enjoyed this
particular article called--"
[ Vinny's Voice ]
"'Hammer Those Glutes Till Your
Butt's Like A Bowling Ball.'
So it wasn't
exactly personal.
So, why do I now
take pen in hand
to write to you?
Okay, it's like this.
Ever since
I got home from Oasis,
things are different.
Like, all of a sudden,
I don't feel like
hangin' out every night.
I don't feel like
hittin' on women.
I don't even feel
like drinkin' milk
out of the carton.
I feel--
[ Inhales ]
I don't know.
Serious.
Like I'm in the midst
of some heavy changes.
I've forced myself to take
a closer look at the Vin Man.
You know, open 'im up,
pull 'im out,
dissect 'im like a frog.
And I've decided
to go after...
a more sharply tailored,
finely pleated,
subtly striped look.
[ Grunting ]
And I've discovered
I have a creative side
to my personality.
[ Humming ]
Hey!
[ Loud Sizzling ]
Anyway,
since most of my friends
saw the Vin Man...
as a larger-than-life,
legendary figure,
[ Hooting, Shouting ]
many are having difficulties
relating to me at this time.
But since you didn't
know me for very long,
I figured it might be easier
for you to understand.
Besides, you're one of
the few people I know who could
possibly appreciate all this."
"Respectfully,
your friend,
Vincent Falcone."
What can I say?
Life is bizarre.
Are you sure you have
to go so early?
Yeah, we still have another
bottle of champagne.
Oh, well, I'm kinda tired.
Besides, you two
should be alone.
Here.
Mwah!
Good night, you.
Bye-bye.
Thanks.
Happy New Year.
Okay, thanks.
Bye.
[ Speakers:
"Auld Lang Syne" ]
[ Door Shuts ]
Hey.
Need a lift?
[ Chuckles ]
Vinny.
What are you
doing here?
I was just drivin'
around the neighborhood.
Last night I--
Look, it's like this.
It's Christmas Day.
I'm sittin' around
my house, right? I'm all alone.
So, uh,
I hop in the limo.
Twenty-four hours later,
I wind up in Chicago.
And I say to myself,
"Vincent,
where the hell
are you goin'?"
That's when it hits me.
I'm comin' to see you.
You drove all that way
just to see me?
Hey, only four days and,
what, 18 speeding tickets?
But it's okay.
I got my own
business now. Here.
I got four of 'em.
Four stretch limos.
Yeah.
Wow.
Oh, yeah.
Fully loaded.
The works.
Hey. But, look, I--
You know, I realize
I didn't call or nothin',
so, uh, if you got
some plans, you know--
Uh, well, I was gonna--
[ Sighs ]
I-I have nothin' to do.
I'm just going home.
Maybe we could
do somethin'.
I don't know.
Maybe go play
some miniature golf.
You like golf?
Vinny.
It's late.
Yeah, I know.
All right.
That's all right, you know.
I mean, hey, you know,
I felt like takin' a drive
anyway, you know, uh--
I mean,
it's New Year's Eve,
you know.
You probably
had a wild night
or somethin'.
I mean, who needs a visit
from the Vin Man
on New Year's Eve?
You know what I'm sayin'?
I understand.
I mean--
Hey, look, you have
a good New Year's,
all right?
I'm gonna, uh, take off.
Vinny.
You want some breakfast?
Um, you know,
I could eat somethin'.
I'm kinda hungry.
I been drivin' a while,
you know.
I can make you an omelet.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, yeah?
You a good cook?
I been doin'
some cookin' myself.
How 'bout I make you
an omelet, huh?
That would be nice.
Okay, wait a minute.
Hang on. I got--
Hang on.
What?
Wait.
Merry Christmas.
Ohh!
[ Giggling ]
[ Limo Door Shuts ]
Oh, my God!
You like him?
What's his name?
I didn't give him a name.
You-- You choose somethin'.
[ Continues Giggling ]
I don't know.
He's chewing my hair up.
[ Growling ]
Look at his little face.
[ Yaps ]
Ooh!
He's so cute!
[ Yapping Continues ]
[ Imitates Barking ]
He's a cute one,
huh?
That's so sweet.
[ Guitar ]
[ Sleigh Bells
Jingling ]
[ Continues ]
Jingle bell, jingle bell
Jingle bell rock
Jingle bells swing
and jingle bells ring
Snowin' and blowin' up
bushels of fun
Now the jingle hop
has begun
Jingle bell, jingle bell
Jingle bell rock
[ Doorbell Chimes ]
Jingle bells chime
in jingle bell time
Dancin' and prancin'
in jingle bell square
Merry Christmas!
In the frosty air
Glad you could come.
Hi.
- [ Barking ]
- Whoa! What do you
say there, big guy?
Let's put them
by the tree.
Hi, Nicky!
[ Chattering ]
[ Barking Continues ]
[ Nicky ]
Come on, Daddy!
Hey, come here!
Help us, Jamie!
Help us! Help us!
Help us!
[ Chattering Continues ]
Jingle bell time
is a swell time
To go ridin'
in a one-horse sleigh
Daddy! Come on!
[ Laughing ]
Melissa.
What?
There's your boyfriend.
So what?
There's yours.
[ Loud Grunting ]
[ Laughing, Shouting ]
Get 'em!
Yeah.
That's the jingle bell
That's the jingle bell
There's my boyfriend.
That's
the jingle bell rock
[ Reggae ]
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man!
No casual sex
Once upon a time
Love with the proper stranger
was divine
Like vintage wine
To be tasted
Never wasted
There was a time
When your promiscuity
was fine
Now it's a crime
And the word
if you haven't heard is
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man!
No casual sex
Yeah, man!
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man!
No casual sex
Get up, man!
Once upon a time
A man with experience
was a welcome find
Top of the line
Sit back, baby
Just enjoy the ride
Now such a guy
Can't even get a date
on a Friday night
You know why
Girls are waitin',
interrogatin'
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man!
No casual sex
Yeah, man!
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man!
No casual
No more, no more
No more, no more, no more
No more, no more
No more, no more, no more
Something's happenin'
Somebody's runnin' then
All the innocent
happen to be horny men
Something's happenin'
Something's imminent
Just for livin' in
Sodom and Gomorr-again
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man
No casual sex
[ Howls ]
[ Trills ]
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Whoo! Whoo!
Once upon a time
Every girl was approachable
and primed
Now there's a sign
Hangs on the hearts
and the private parts
Says no more
casual sex, man
Hey, man!
No casual sex
Yeah, man!
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man!
No casual sex
Yeah, man!
Oooh-ooh-ooo-ooh
Oooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Bang-bang!
Oooh-ooh-ooo-ooh
Oooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Bang-bang!
Oooh-ooh-ooo-ooh
Oooh-ooh, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Bang-bang!
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man
No casual sex
No more casual sex, man
Hey, man
No casual sex
Come on! Hyah!
No casual sex
No more, no more
No more
No casual sex
Such a casualty
Casual sex
[ Singers Grunting, Shouting ]
Casual sex
Casual sex
Casual sex
[ Laughing,
Shouting Continues ]
Ohh!
Ohh!
[ Howls ]
[ Fades ]