Cattle Call (2006) Movie Script
Gosh, I love to... I love to shop.
I mean, no... I love to go camping.
One time this boyfriend|was cheating on me,
and a week later he lost his job,
and then his car got wrecked,
and then a tree fell on his house.
It has to be at least five tattoos
or five piercings. I don't care.
If not, don't even bother talking to me.
Been sober for six... sixty... six hours.
Yeah, six hours.
I have a lot of cats.
I like sex. I actually do like it.
And I have sex|with guys just for fun.
Although I am from Utah,|so I guess I may be biased
to prefer someone that's maybe Mormon.
That would make my grandma happy.
I'm a professional body painter,
so pretty much I just|roll around naked in paint.
I'm actually in the process|of developing a human slingshot
so I can do walls and houses.
I used to be Miss Teen USA.
I'm terribly afraid of crabs.
Not the S TD...
Well, the S TD, too, I guess.
Hi, my name is Debbie.
And I'm looking for|a very handsome guy
that's funny, smart.
Rich couldn't hurt.
That's great.
That's fantastic.
All right.|Thanks for calling, all right?
Bye.
Dude, that was Sigourney, the girl I|met at the casting agency last week.
Is that some sort of new|kind of dating service?
No, no, man. The casting agency|where my sister works.
And there was this huge rejects bin|filled with headshots.
So what did you do?
As I'm sifting through, I find this one|that has Playboy credits.
She's beautiful. I'm like, I have to,
have to talk to this girl.
So I'm writing it down and everything,|and this janitor walks in.
- What are you doing? Listen...|- This is my job.
- No, no, no. L... I want...|- This is my job.
- I want these.|- It's my job.
I take the trash bag|home, right?
And I call that girl.
I told her, listen,
even though she was rejected|by the casting agency,
I wanted her.
I wanted to cast her|in my music video.
What music video?
Richie, if I want,|I can easily make a music video.
Isn't this girl gonna freak out
when she finds out|you're not making one?
No. Listen, like I said,|if I really, really have to,
I'll make the frickin' video.
- How?|- With your camera.
Oh, that's if I let you|use my digital camera.
You're not gonna let me use it?
You're running|a fake casting agency
so you can lie to some women|and sleep with them.
That's borderline genius, man.
That's a brilliant idea!
Think about it, man!|Think about what you just said.
This is the way for...|for you and me
to meet the girl of our dreams.
All we have to do is, like,
place an ad in one of those|actor trade paper things,
and, man, we'll have|a ton of prospects.
We'll have tons and tons of|beautiful women knocking on our door.
I mean, you'll end up|finding your girlfriend.
Who knows, maybe your wife.|It's a great idea, man.
And we should do it.
Listen, it's like a personal ad.
All we're doing is casting someone|to play the perfect person for you.
You're happy lying to women,
and now you want me|to lie to them, too.
When the girl really gets|to know you, Richie, okay?
When the girl gets|to really, really know you,
she's gonna think you met by chance.
That is meant to be.
Look at this. It's beautiful.
It's amazing. The ad is really working.
Look at... Oh!
These girls are gorgeous, man.
This is disgusting. No. No.
What do you think of this?
I think that you're a psycho.
No, listen.
When you look at these photos, okay?
I'm showing you, there's|a lot of red flags here.
Her eyebrows are super, super thick.
Her nose, this girl? Look at it.
Looks like a Saint Bernard.
You've got to look really carefully here.
Look. See? Right there?
The hair on her arms?|She's very hairy.
It's disgusting.
Sherman, I get the point.
I'm doing this for you, man.
When's the last time you got laid?
Why do you need to know?
Exactly. I want to use|your video camera.
Why do you need my video camera?
- For the auditions.|- What auditions?
And we're gonna actually need|an office space, too.
I mean, with, like,|a waiting room or something.
Why don't we just add in|a Jacuzzi and a sauna?
We'll do a weight room.
Maybe some vaulted ceilings.
That'll be nice. A wet bar?
Listen, in order to do this right, Richie,
it has to be a legitimate operation.
- A legitimate operation.|- Right.
Right, right, for a fake casting agency.
That's great.
We need an office space,|whether it's fake or not.
And who's gonna pay for that?
I don't hear anything.
Hello.
Yes?
Glenn?
Yes.
You are such a freak, man.
Everyone I know says|hello or something
after they answer the phone.
Glenn? Hello? Are you there?
Yes.
What are you doing, man?|You're doing it again.
You're giving me no indication|that you're there.
Did the phone stop ringing?
Yes, it stopped ringing.
Well, then you can assume|that someone picked up the phone.
I can't believe I'm having this|conversation with you, Glenn.
What the hell is wrong|with you, man?
What's wrong with you,|whoever you are?
Glenn, we need to talk to you|about renting some office space.
All right.
Let's talk, then.
- Reject.|- All right, see ya.
Hey, Sherman, you realize|that you're throwing out girls
you would normally|try to pick up in a bar, right?
Richie, the whole point of this|is to get supreme quality ass.
Okay.
Uh, how about this one?
She looks like Lucy Liu.
She's hot. Keep her. Right?
- Look how hot she is.|- All right. Here.
It's a good keeper.
Look at this.
A Hilary Duff look-alike.|She's beautiful.
Keep her, right?
- Yeah, keep her.|- Absolutely. Look at her.
This looks exactly|like Morgan Fairchild.
What, does everybody|have to look like somebody?
Look.
Sherman, it is Morgan Fairchild.
Marina Del.
I don't know who she looks like,|but, you know, she's cute.
In the casting business we say,|"Turn her over. "
Uh, okay.
Casting directors|and producers look at this.
They look at the actor's credits.
But we look at this section right here.
Special skills.
"Swimming, cooking, rollerblading,
working with|underprivileged children. "
- What does that mean?|- That she likes kids.
Exactly. You're catching on.
- It's like a personal ad.|- Absolutely.
- So we keep her.|- Absolutely.
All right.
All right, look at this girl.
- She's got her sizes right on the front.|- Oh, man.
You don't know|what that means?
You never did that?
It's when you stick|your face in between
two substantially large breasts
and you blow really, really hard,
and you shake your head|side to side like that.
The combination of the air|and the movement
causes a sound...|a slapping sound...
that goes in your eardrum,|and that sound is prrrunsky.
- Turn her over.|- You should try it.
Weightlifting.
Mud wrestling, martial arts.
Horse riding. I mean,|absolutely. Bring her in.
No, no, no.|Army tank mechanic.
Tractor and Caterpillar driver.
- I say we toss her.|- Yeah, whatever.
Oops, sorry.
She's a prunsky.
Yes, she is.
What's that?
Hey, I saw that, Glenn.
I think she's a keeper.|I'm gonna call her.
No, you're not.
What time do you want|to start calling tomorrow?
What do you mean? We call them right now.
Can't call them now. It's too late.
Richie, it's not too late.
These girls are out-of-work actresses.
I mean, these are their office hours.|They're desperate.
Oh, great. Then we should|call them right now.
- Let's do that.|- Do it.
What do you think about her?
- She's hot.|- She's a keeper, right?
- She's a keeper. Great.|- Call her.
- Let's call her.|- Call her.
It's 2:00 in the morning.
It's a perfect time to call|and schedule an audition for next week.
That's great.
We'll call her.
Oh, good.|It's... It's ringing.
It's ringing.
Hi... Oh, I'm sorry.|Did I wake you up? So sorry.
Um, My name's Richie Rey,|and I'm producing a film,
and we got your headshot,
and we chose it out of hundreds...
no, no, thousands|of submissions...
and... based upon your|special skills being so,
um, special,
and we'd like you|to come in and audition.
Oh, fantastic. Yeah, uh...|Oh, one last thing.
Can you bring some form|of birth control, please?
Give me the phone.
The director actually just walked in,
and he would like|to speak with you.
His name is Glenn, uh...
Glenn... His name's Glenn... Dale.
Mr. Dale. Here he is.
Hello. This is Mr. Dale.
Hello?
She's hung up.
Nice.
You know, if she had caller I.D.,|we would be in big trouble right now.
Glenn, it was|a make-believe phone call.
Not to her.
I left the seat up. Excuse me.
I try to be considerate.
Excuse me.
That was me.
Over the sheets, too.
Not good.
- Okay.|- Cool.
You're gonna go places.
Cool. Put this on my tab.
Hi. Excuse me.
I was just wondering
if you had any, uh, casting papers
or something that could|sort of help me.
Here's the Casting Call.
Go out there and kill 'em, kid.
- Oh, $3.00?|- 3 bucks.
I know you're gonna do it.
Thanks.
- Let me know how you make out.|- Okay.
Women always ask questions.
Wait! I got it!
I got it!
Hi, I'm calling to schedule you|for an audition for an independent film.
I mean, chicks love|independent films, right?
That's perfect!
That's absolutely perfect!
That means we don't have|to have a script.
We don't have to have a schedule.
We don't have to have a budget.
Nothing. No money.
That's it! No pay.
Just a golden opportunity|to be in an independent film.
That's perfect!|Independent filmmakers.
We're independent filmmakers.
That's it.|I'm calling right now.
- Who should we call?|- What about... Yeah.
- This girl, number 1.|- Holly?
- Yeah.|- Girl number 1. All right.
This is gonna work. Here we go.
Richie Rey on the line. Please hold.
Go. Talk.
- Talk!|- Speakerphone.
Hi, this is Richie Rey.
Thank you for answering the phone.
We'd like to have you in|for an audition.
Cool. For what?
For an independent film.
Ooh, an indie. What's it called?
Perfect For Me.
What's the vibe? It sounds karmic.
Yeah, it's... It's got|some funny stuff in it.
Then sometimes it's not funny at all.
- Right.|- Sad, really.
Then it gets kinda creepy.
But it's... it's mainly funny.
Because it's a comedy.
- Who's producing?|- Me...
and Sherman Oaks,
with Glenn Dale directing.
What should I wear?
Uh, dress like a ho.
A ho? Sure. Okay, peace.
I told you!
Yes! Good work.|That was awesome.
I told you it would work. I told you.
Casting. Perfect For Me.
This is Marina Del.
Marina, I was just looking at your picture.
I'm sorry.
I'm... I'm just a little bit nervous.
I've never done this before.
This is actually my first time, too.
Casting?
Well, it's the first time...
first time, uh,
you know, dealing with the casting...
you know, the movie thing.
You're funny.
I hope you're the director.
L... I'm not, but I'm glad that I'm funny.
Oh, well.
Wishful thinking, I guess.
Um, okay, cool.
Well, I'll see you then.
Bye.
Director.
Hey, Glenn.
You definitely...
You want to be the director...
You wanna swap with me?|Director, producer?
I'm not the swapping kind.
I think he's the director!
What do you like in a relationship?|What do you need?
Number 1 rule: Honesty.
Honesty's a big thing.
- Honest.|- No man can lie to me.
So honesty... plus a big wiener.
Man lie to me, that's it. That's just it.
If you can get past that little prick.
If this was an audition for a porno, like,|what would you do?
I can get myself|down here into a pretzel.
I'm not gonna do that.
Just, like, mellow out
and smoke some dope.
My teacher says that I should really be|working on my sexuality.
And so he's gonna have me do|these private coachings with him.
He has me do them naked.
Do you think I could have gotten the job
if I did it this way?
Probably. So let me try.
Pretend that he's here,|because he's not here.
So I can't actually do it.
But he just takes down his pants,
and then I'm like...
Something like that.
It's the rollerhead look.
Just gonna grab you like this,
and we're gonna go for a roll.
Preferably younger.
I love the frat boys|with their little paddles.
Or a man with long hair like Tarzan.
- Can you get out?|- Um, no.
I like it when a guy|tries to impress me.
I think I...
- I'm sorry.|- And I broke my coccyx.
I don't know what's worse:|A guy with a little wiener,
or a guy with a little wiener|who tells you he has a big one.
As if you're never|gonna find out the truth?
Listen to that.
You can always tell the size of it|by the sound of the pee.
No, no. It's directly proportionate.
The deeper the sound, the bigger it is,|and vice versa.
I thought it was the hands.
I thought it was|how low their voice is.
I thought it was the nose.
Forget the nose, forget the feet,|forget the hands.
It's the force of the pee.
The force of the pee?
The force of the pee.
And by the way, that is so not circumcised.
Stinky pee-pee.
Excuse me.|Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Excuse me. Listen, I'm the writer.
- I really gotta go.|- Yeah, but...
The faster I go, the faster you guys|will be out of here.
Thanks.
So rude.
All right.
Force of the pee.
I'll show you girls force of the pee.
Come on, buddy.
Don't let me down, all right?
Come on. Come on.
What the heck|is taking him so long?
Men are selfish.
He better have lifted the seat,
and he better put it down|when he's done!
Let's go! Speed it up in there!
Hi.
It's all yours, ladies.
Go to the bathroom!
Once upon a midnight dreary,
while I pondered weak and weary,
But they should probably just be
with someone who likes little wieners.
Do you find that you're sexually promiscuous?
You right there? Oh, I|could snap you in half.
How much work these guys|are really getting done
if they are the whole day|sitting around watching TV?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Give it to me!
How about my ass?|You like my ass?
Show us your ass. Lift up your skirt.
Can you lift up your skirt while you pogo?
Sleazy, sleazy, sleazy.
All they want are these.
Your breasts are...
I'm willing to bet they're real, right?
You get a producer, they say,|"Oh, come over my house for an audition. "
"Oh, it's at your house? Really?|Okay, I'll try, you know. "
You walk in. "Here, have a drink. "
It's as if they're holding auditions|just to pick up a chick.
No.
That he was, like, making a film,
and I really thought I|was auditioning for him.
This business is mostly run by men|who are mostly scumbags.
And then he's, like, slapping my head.|I was like, "What are you doing?"
Like, my hair was on fire.
I can feel it.
This gig is about a look...|who you look like,
as in the flavors of the days.
Do any trampoline work?
Men are ruled by their overwhelming|desire to have orgasms.
Is there a bikini under that skirt?
What the fu... Who is this guy?
Men, agent, manager, blah.
Unless they're doing more for me|than I can do for myself, see you.
It beats waiting tables.
Forget that.
I gave up waiting tables a long time ago.
Now I work for a company|called Pure Romance.
Oh, let me show you guys|some of my stuff.
Your happiness is my touch
And that's why I hope|you'll understand
Why I've got this knife in my hand
I'm killing you
Because you lied
- What is...|- Feel that?
And it has a fabulous intense bullet|that's bedded right in the shaft.
All men suck, and they should die
All they do is cheat and lie
And you can use it|anywhere or anyplace.
I like to use it while I'm driving.
What's with the dog?
I'm sorry. Really I never do this,
but he...
- I really didn't have anywhere else...|- No, it's fine.
L... Uh...
His name is Mr. Teets.
You know me from the phone.
Oh, right. Hey! How are you?
- Good, good.|- Good to see you.
Uh, you can just|take a seat there.
Okay, great.
Um, okay.|So I prepared a monologue.
- I can just...|- You won't need it.
- Oh, really?|- No. Are you ready?
Well, yeah. What are we doing?
I'm just gonna actually ask you|a couple of questions...
- Okay.|... and all you have to do is answer.
Okay.
So what do you...
Are you rolling? Okay.
Uh, what do you|look for in a man?
Well, someone who loves|my dog as much as I do.
Um, someone who has passion.
Somebody who...
supports my dreams
and encourages me to go after them.
Somebody not like my current boyfriend.
Well, sounds like it's over to me.
Uh, it depends on who you ask.
Well, thank you|so much for coming in.
- Oh, I'm done?|- Yeah, that's... that's all we...
- That's all that we need.|- Sure.
- This has been an awkward experience.|- It's fine.
It was my first time, so...
- It was very nice.|- You made it pleasurable.
All night long.
They always kind of want,
you know, to flip you this way, turn you...
All day.
Everywhere.
Hi, I have a 3:30.
Perfect For Me?
Okay, take 2.
Hi, I have a 3:30.
Perfect For Me.
I'm the director.
Ooh. Hi.
You okay?
He's fine.
- Okay, uh, sorry about that.|- That's okay.
We're gonna ask you...
Glenn, are you done?
Hi.
Just have a seat right there.
Okay.
Is it contagious?
What are the types of things|that you look for in a man?
The three C's: Cash, cock,|and companionship.
Not necessarily in that order.
I mean, any woman who says
that a great, hard,|long banging from a man
isn't the most beautiful,
magical,
downright pleasurable|experience on earth
has either not experienced it
or is a hard-core lesbo.
Don't you think?
What did she say?
I don't know, but nice tits.
Thank you.
- Nice meeting you guys.|- Nice meeting you.
You should see a doctor about that.
- She's incredible.|- Amazing.
She's the kind of girl|you could bring home to Mom.
Right, Glenn?
Can you please tell us|what you think about men?
Men? Well, now,
I don't understand why they think
that bodily functions|are so hysterically funny.
You know?
Like burping and farting.
And they're always talking about how big|their last poo-poo was.
I'm a producer.|You wanna be in a movie?
You had a great audition.
Oh... thank you very much.
So, yeah, I'm thinking about
one of the lead roles|for you in our movie.
A lead role?
I can't believe it.
I think it's gonna be important
to spend time with you.
Get to know each other.
It helps me in rewriting the script,
you know, to get that information
and infuse that information|with your character.
- I love the way you work.|- Yeah? Me, too.
- S.|- Me, too.
Tell me about yourself.
Oh, okay, bueno.
I love pizza, and I love music.
Really? I'm a singer|and a songwriter.
- No.|- Yeah.
That's funny. I actually...|I happen to have...
one of my CDs actually on me.
Special for you.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Thank you very much.
You know, I should hook you|up with my boyfriend.
Who?
Oh, I think you and him|will connect huge.
He's amazing.
You will love him.
You know what? L... I|actually... I gotta take this.
- It might be a while.|- Oh.
So here... here you go.
You'll get the rest, right?
No, no, no, no. Perfect timing.
All right.
Keep in touch with yourself, okay?
Yeah. No.
- Keep in touch with this.|- What... What are you doing?
- Sit down!|- What the hell are you...
- Stand up when I talk to you.|- What the...
No, Tarzana is a lady.
But you don't know who you mess with.
What's your problem?
You'll be meeting with the director.
His name is Glenn Dale.
Okay? You're scheduled in.
Thank you.
You're all set.|Lunch with Laurel Canyon.
Hey! We are kicking ass, brother.
What happened to you?
What? Oh, nothing.
I, uh, just... you know,|just cut myself shaving.
Listen, more importantly,|I got a lunch date with Rollerhead.
But I hope it doesn't mess up my|dinner date with little Miss Reseda.
Lunch and dinner?|You have two dates in one day?
- Yeah.|- You're a freak.
No, listen man,|when are you gonna just give in
to that primal being of yours
and just, you know, review the tapes
and go out on some dates?
Even our boy Glenn here|has got a little rendezvous set up.
- Come on.|- You're still telling these girls
that we're making a movie.
Yeah!
But we're not making a movie.
Richie, don't sweat it.
Nobody in Hollywood who says|they're gonna make a movie
ever makes one.
You're stressing out, man.
- Relax.|- Okay.
Look, even if...
I guess if you have a date,|I should get a date, huh?
I'm gonna go masturbate.
I didn't need to know that, Glenn.
Does the carpet match the drapes?
Well, maybe I don't have carpet.
Maybe I wax the floors.
All they ever think about is their prick.
And, you know, I... I...
It's not that I've|been hurt or anything.
It's not that I'm some sort of psycho.
...and kept telling me,|"You're gonna be my wife.
You're gonna have my babies. "
And, "Don't you like it
when the cum squirts all over your eggs?"
And I'm like, "What are you talking about?"
So I basically pushed him off of me,
and I noticed that|he did come on me.
He poked a hole in the condom.
Um, I can go...
- Both ways?|- Yes.
In real life, or for a movie?
What's the difference?
Well, last week I shot|a national commercial,
and today I have three auditions|for some TV pilots,
and next week I have a spot|on The Bold and The Beautiful,
which I'm like,
really positive move for me.
- That's great.|- Oh, and I just met Rover Murdick.
And he wants to do an entire project|around my aura.
So I'm, like, really|blessed about that.
Very, very blessed about that.
How are you?
I don't get it. What do you mean?
How am I physically?
Like my core? My being?
I asked you to tell me|more about yourself,
and you told me how your|business is going, and...
So I was just curious|how you're doing, you know.
I get it. I get it. Yeah.
Well, I have allergies|bordering on chronic asthma
and a nasty yeast infection.
And my publicist is doing this really|great endorsement tie-in thing with it.
Oh, here's the thing.
Mercury is in retrograde right now,
so...
even if you offered me the part,
I can't do it.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Did you say|that... that they're doing
a promotional campaign|on your little problem down there?
Sort of like that, yeah.
How does that work?
Well, it's, um,|Vagina Awareness Week.
Let's see...
somebody who's passionate.
Somebody who has dreams|and ambition
and supports mine.
Lenny, hey, hi.
"Lenny, hi?"
Where the hell are you?
Lenny, I explained everything
about my game plan|in the note I left you.
"Had to go. Know you'll understand.|Love, Marina. "
That note?
Uh, that's the one.
You know how hard it is|to find a great assistant?
I'm sorry, but, uh, even though I love you,
you're fired.
I'm gonna be an actress.
If it kills me,
I'm gonna do this.
Meant to be we,
or not meant to be we.
I prefer to exist alone
rather than partake|in a meaningless love.
I seek completeness.
And I shall one day shareth it,
wheneth my true king thy come,
and I your true queen shall be done.
Never me,
always we.
Bravo, bravo.
You liked it?
Yeah.
What the hell was it?
Oh, it was just something I wrote|on my way across country.
So how do you like Hollywood so far?
So far, so good.
It'll be better when my dog and I|have a place we can call home.
Where are you living now?
Oh, well, it's kind of embarrassing.
Oh, really? What,|are you in Orange County?
I've been sleeping in my car.
Well, that's not embarrassing.
- Right.|- No, it's really not.
L... You know...|I've...
I've slept in... in my car before.
And I don't know about you,|but I... I had fun.
It's... It's kinda like camping.
Okay, good.
What's the clapping for?
The song is over.
What song?
On the sound system.
Right.
So, how's it going with the movie?
Glenn?
We listening to the music again?
I had a dream last night|that Don Knotts tried to kill me.
That's disturbing.
It was.
I bet.
Especially since he is so beloved.
Right.
Do you like me?
Oh, wow.
You know, I don't know you so well, Glenn.
That's kind of hard|to comment on right now.
Do you hate me?
No.
But if you give me a minute...
Well, if you don't like me
and you don't hate me,
you love me.
Excuse me?
Well, first you like someone,|then you love someone.
Then you hate someone.
Love is in between like and hate.
So, you don't like me,
you don't hate me.
You love me.
Wow.
- Okay.|- Okay.
Okay.
- Hello?|- I didn't hear your phone ring.
It's... It's on silent.|It's just this little light.
Yeah. No, I'm here.
Yeah, sure. No problem.
Yeah, like, I can be there in ten minutes.
Yeah, okay. Thanks. Bye.
Oh, drag. I gotta go to work.
Sucks. Hate it there.
But, you know, it pays the bills,
so I'm sorry, I gotta go.
Can I help you?
- Can I help you?|- Help me?
- Yeah.|- No. No, I think I'm good.
But, well, thanks anyway.
Okay? See you.
Thank you for wearing|those shoes.
You know, the auditions?
Right, so we're still|in audition mode?
What, did you think this was|some sort of date?
Oh, I don't know.
L...
Would you go|on a date with me?
I mean, maybe if you weren't|the producer of this movie.
If my boyfriend promises|to eat at my restaurant
and my restaurant only,
that I'm open 24 hours a day,|7 days a week.
Your style is so, like, rock star.
- Really? L... I play music, too.|- No way.
- I'm a singer and a songwriter as well.|- That's so amazing.
I actually have one of my CDs on me.
- You do?|- Yeah.
Here. Special for you.
Lucky girl. I get to listen to this?
- Keep it. It's yours.|- Thank you.
- Absolutely.|- This is so crazy,
because actually|I'm a singer as well.
- You are?|- I know I didn't tell you at the audition, but...
- Really?|- Yeah.
I have a recording studio|back at my apartment.
- That's so cool.|- Yeah.
Cheers.
Whoo! Oh, that's so hard to do.
Yeah, it's hot in here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
Look at you.
Yeah, look at me, right?
Look at me.
Yeah.
So, listen, I'm gonna...|I'm gonna play the axe here.
- Okay.|- All right?
This is the song that's|gonna be in the video.
Oh, cool.|Okay.
1! 2! 3! 4!
Under the covers, foggin' up the sheets
Under the covers finding|somethin' good to eat
- Yes.|- Oh! Wait, Sherman! No. I don't know...
Sherman, wait. Sherman, wait.
I don't... We shouldn't do this
because I don't want you to lose respect|for me as an artist.
- Hold on! Okay, wait, wait.|- I respect you.
We're artists. We're open-minded.
Wait a second. What about...
Shouldn't we wait till the wrap party|at least or som...
Okay, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, Listen.
Don't you... Oh... I...|Do you have a girlfriend?
- No.|- Are you sure?
- I would never cheat.|- Oh. Oh.
Wait, are you gonna|call me tomorrow?
Are you gonna call me,|or you... Oh!
- Oh, my!|- Oh, my God!
Oh!
Oh, Sherman.
Oh. Hey, what are you|doing here?
Okay.
Well, it's really good to see you.
All right, why don't you go,
I don't know,|grab a table or something,
and I'll get you a drink, okay?
I want a prunsky.
Prunksy? I don't know what that is.|What's in that?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.|No prunskies here, buddy.
Thank you.
Hi. I'm not interrupting|something, am I?
No, no, no. Come on in.
You guys remember|Reseda Camarillo.
Good to see you guys again.
- How you doing? Good to see you.|- Hi, baby.
- Good to see you.|- Hi.
I just wanted you to know|that I made dinner reservations
- at Augo's at 8:00.|- Okay.
Is that good for you?|Do you think he'll be done by 8:00?
Will he be done at 8:00?
- We had some budget cuts, okay?|- Yeah.
And we have to eliminate|some parts in the movie.
Yeah, I'm really, really sorry.
What does that mean?
We had to cut your part|out of the movie, okay?
- My part out of the movie?|- Yes. Yes.
I am so sorry. I am...|It's out of my control.
But I... I slept with you.
And I appreciate that. I really do.
I mean,
what am I supposed to say?
Thank you.
I broke up with my boyfriend.
So get back together with him.
It's not that complicated.|Really. It's not too late.
I never sleep with anybody|on the first date,
and I think I'm in love with you.
Hold on for a second.|I gotta take this.
Oh, God.
Hello?
You owe me.
Oh, my God.
- Hi.|- Hey.
I'm Nikita.|I'm here for the auditions.
- They're over.|- Yeah.
Do you play the guitar?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Oh, wow.
Oh, my God. There's something
about a man that can|play an instrument
that just makes me... hot.
Ooh, yeah.
Listen, um...
Let me walk you to your car. I have an idea.
- Oh.|- Okay?
But what about the audition?
I, uh... Even though|we're in callbacks,
I'll read you, okay?
- In the car?|- No, no, no, no.
A little later.
And maybe something|can happen between us.
We just, you know... We can't do it here.
Do you know what I mean?
- Okay? Okay, yeah.|- Yeah?
Definitely.
All right? Audition time. You ready?
Oh, no, no, no,|no, no, not that easy.
You need to play a song|for me on your guitar,
and then I'll audition.
Oh, if it's for you? I'll|do anything for you, baby.
Anything, okay?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. I almost climaxed.
That was good, right?
Yes, it was.
Have you ever had an orgasm|while playing the guitar?
Well, you know, there is this sort of, uh,
euphoria that comes over|you when you play, you know?
No, no, no.
I mean an actual, like...
orgasm.
No.
Well, let's take care of that, Papi.
You're a great girl, you know that?
Okay.
L... Listen... I... I can't...
No, play! Play!
- L... I can't do it.|- Keep playing. It's beautiful.
Listen, I, uh...
- I... I can't do it. It... It...|- Play it, bitch!
- Listen, I...|- Play that fucking guitar.
I can't split my brain up.
I can't...
You can come in my hair.
We found what we're looking for,
and you, you,|and you got the part.
- Oh, my God!|- What? Shut up!
Oh, my God! Congratulations!
Oh, my God. Without...|Wait, I didn't even read.
The new cast for Perfect For Me.
- Oh, My God!|- Oh, my gosh. That was so easy.
Got champagne. Congratulations, guys.|It's gonna be fun.
So when do we get a script?
Richie?
The script is at the printers.
Yeah, the printers. Exactly.
Cool.
Okay.
- So what is it about?|- It's about women.
- Yeah, women.|- And men?
No, no men.
I don't do girl on girl.
Oh, I do.
So when do we start shooting?
Uh, soon.
Yes, it's right around the corner.
We're shooting around the corner?
The studio in Hollywood.
We're gonna...|The big one where everyone shoots.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I wish that there were more producers|like you guys, 'cause you rock.
and that's our script.
That's a lot of work, man.
So we'll make Glenn do it.
It's so obscure, no one's gonna know|where we got it from.
I'm proud of you.
It took a while, but you are finally here.
Good work. All right.
You want a pad and a pen?
I'm Leland Briskin. Don't judge me|by this ridiculous badge.
It was taken off a dead|tour guide some time ago.
But pay attention to what|I'm about to tell you.
First of all,|hang very close together.
You're not to annoy|the stars at any time.
Action.
Did any of you ever|remember the film...
probably many of you are|too young, gazing about...
Sunset Boulevard?
I can tell you, I was a director.
Well, not a full director.
I was an A.D., and I was damn good.
I had too many affairs.
Anyway, don't use your cameras.
And the stars,
if they appear to be odd to you,
to be a little bit different,
a little off-bubble, as we say,
don't bother them.
They're here for a reason: To shoot.
Sometimes each other,|I suppose. I don't know.
Yes, what is it?
How do you make a film?
"How do make a film?"
Now stop it.
By the way, I'm not supposed to take tips,
but I want something.
Gosh, the lighting|is just perfect, you see.
Just overhead.|Look up, my dear.
Don't do everything you're told.|Yes, I'll look up.
Stop for a moment.
The arch here was used|in The Fall of the Roman Empire,
and they brought it back from Rome,
where they shot also in Spain,
and left this exact place|where all those...
I can't remember all the actors...
but isn't it marvelous, you see?
And they, of course, painted over it.
Robin Hood was shot...
I don't know if you|remember Errol Flynn...
fantastic actor...
And, of course, Olivia de Havilland,|Basil Rathbone...
It was all shot inside.
Oh, it's them. Hi.
Yeah, we're out front.
Okay. Okay, bye.
What are you doing on the phone?
Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.
How rude. It's the second|time I've caught you.
First it was the watch,|and now you're talking on the phone.
Do you have a cell phone?
Yes, I do. But it's in my pocket.
I don't care to see it.
- Well, I wasn't going...|- Yes, what does he want?
Could we use the bathroom?
I'm a Christian Scientist.|I don't have to go at all.
Thank God, they just called.
They're gonna come|and get us out front.
- What's going on?|- I don't know.
They said our names|weren't in the system.
So embarrassing.
Richie, come here.
- Come on, let's go. Act like you belong.|- I want to finish the tour.
This is where Lassie took a dump.
Hey!
Hey! How you doing? What's up guys?
Yeah. What are you talking about?
You gotta be kidding me.
You tell him he's an asshole.
And you tell him I said that|to his face, all right?
I am so sorry. It's been a crazy day.
Yeah, lots of big|Hollywood meetings in there.
Wow.
We were hoping you guys|could, like, show us around.
Maybe show us, like, your office and...
Oh, yeah. You're gonna see|plenty of the studio
- when you're shooting.|- Right.
You're probably gonna get sick of it,
'cause you're gonna|be living here so much.
But, um, we actually|have to go, you girls,
because, uh, we're running late|to another meeting,
so I'm really sorry.
What the devil's going on?
I'm talking to you over there.
How dare you go off limits!
I think that old guy|is calling you guys.
I've begged you, begged you|and all the rest...
Just ignore him. He's crazy.
Excuse me for a second.
He's not talking to...
...not to go wander|out into the streets.
Do you understand that?
You are delusional!
That's a big word for a little chap.
You are not working|on this picture, okay?
- I gave you a chance...|- I told you never to break away.
What the devil's your name?
- Sherman Oaks!|- I won't have it.
- Oh, God.|- Is there a problem?
Yes. This young chap,|Sherman Oaks.
Isn't that something for you?
This guy stole the lighting grid|on my last picture,
- and we fired him!|- I want this man arrested.
He's unwilling to accept it, okay?
And he's making terrorist threats to my|crew and more importantly to my family!
I love that scene.
God, you were good for the first time.
- See what I'm saying? He's delusional.|- Excellent.
This man's out of his mind.|Get your hands off me.
I'm not gonna stand for this stuff!
Sorry, sir. We'll take it from here.
- What do you mean?|- Come on, Leland.
Just a moment.|I know what you're saying.
We're doing a prison picture, aren't we?
Honey, I've never seen you like this.
And it is sexy.
Do you think you guys are okay?
Yeah, everything's fine.
It's a tough business,
but, you know, you gotta love it.
Cheers.
Me, too.
Look, he's still working on it.
- It's a little strong.|- I'll show you how to do it.
Watch this.
Where are we going?
Richie, I... I gotta go.
L... I can't.
What are you|working on right now?
His movie, Perfect For Me.
- Perfect For Me.|- Yeah, it's an independent.
- Yeah, they all are.|- And I'm the lead.
You're the lead?
Gosh, that's beautiful.
- Well, one of the leads.|- Naturally.
This is dedicated to Laurel Canyon.
I have a growing obsession with you.
I have a growing obsession inside me.
I want to be with you.
It's like an involuntary muscle.
Flexed.
Engorged with its load.
It's got to explode!
Dreams are forever|in this game that we play.
I can't give you up.|You won't go away.
Is it fate?
It is I... Glenn.
I think it's a good time to get outta here.
The door, the door,|what's behind the door?
Behind the door, another door.
Behind the door, another door.
Behind the door!
Another door.
When a love burns this bright,
they call it starlight.
I have a growing|obsession inside me.
This is a little uncomfortable.
We should applaud here.
Yeah, fuck that. I'm outta here.
Obsessive-compulsive has|such a negative connotation to it,
when really we're the ones|who are willing to show
what human behavior is really like.
You know, all the ones that hide|their idiosyncratic eccentricities,
those are the ones to be afraid of,
'cause they're walking time bombs.
You liked it?
I didn't like it.
I didn't hate it.
I see your insanity.
I love it.
Prunsky?
The words that you spoke.
It was a very memorable moment.
- Thank you, Richie. Thank you.|- You're welcome.
You know, when I was 12,
I was in love with a girl my age.
I was awkward then.
Got so I couldn't speak to her at all.
So I got myself some chloroform,|a blanket, and some tape...
Um... Glen...
please don't tell me any more.
It could be incriminating.
Yes.
That looks like Mr. Teets.
It is Mr. Teets.
It's... And Marina.
Excuse me, sir.|Excuse me, sir.
Hello! Hello.
There's a woman in the car.
- You can't tow the car.|- I don't speak English.
What happened?
I don't speak English.
Mama, come.|Come. She's coming.
Come with me. You come.
Fresh handkerchief?
Thank you.
You're welcome.
It's okay. You can come in.
All right.
Hello.
- Can you put that away?|- Why?
'Cause I said I wanted to act,|not end up on the internet.
This is part of the movie.
Your personal movie, maybe.
All right. You could just drink it|straight out of the bottle.
- That's fine.|- Sick!
Don't watch me when I spit. You promise?
- Okay.|- I'm serious.
All right. I won't watch you when you spit.
You rinse and then...
That's really gross.
I know! I told you not to watch me.
That's nice.
You know, you're welcome to use my bed.
I won't be in it, of course.
I could sleep on the sofa.
I should get dressed.
Do you want to help me?
Just hold this like that.
Oh, hold it... Okay.
All right.
Okay, hold on.
Bottoms are on. Are you peeking?
- Me?|- Yeah.
Do you feel pretty steady there?
Oh, yeah.
All right.
You can drop it now.
Okay, on 3. 1, 2...
So...
What?
Well, here we are.
Yeah?
In my bathroom.
Richie, if you're gonna kiss me,|you should just kiss me.
Okay.
Okay.
Right.
Then that happened.
So I'm gonna go...
- sleep in my bed.|- Yeah.
And you're gonna go in your car.
Get into my Element.
- Okay. Good night.|- All right. Thanks for the shower.
- Thank you. Yes.|- Bye.
She's in her car in my driveway sleeping.
I'm gonna tell her the truth, man.
Yes.
What if I hurt her, you know?
I don't want to... If I tell her the|truth, she might freak out the other girls
And I don't wanna ruin|what's going on for you guys.
Oh, my God. Yes.
Oh, yeah. You like that?
Oh, just take it in. Do you like it?
It's just something I gotta tell you.
The casting agency,|it's more like, uh...
like a dating service thing.
Good morning!
Uh... Lenny... Richie...
Richie is the producer|of the film I'm working on.
Oh, right! Yeah. Hi.
I'm her boyfriend.
Oh, so this is what a producer does.
What are you doing?
That's it. I'm out.
What do you mean you're out? Hey! Come on!
We're having a little bit|too much fun here, Richie!
Listen, listen, listen!
This is making a big difference|in my life, Richie, okay?
Stopl Listenl
I already have a second|film lined up with thisl
Stopping this would be insanel|What are you doing?
No, the insane thing is that you're|just in it to get your jollies off.
You realize that you are always thinking|about your penis.
It's all about the penis|for you, isn't it?
There's a name for that disease.
It's called castration anxiety.
Oh, gosh, Sherman, I had no idea.
Listen, you're just, like...
You're just fired up by that guy Lenny.
Lenny is not the issue.
Lenny is a reminder that these girls|are only hanging out with us
because they think|we're making a movie
- We are making a moviel|- We not making a moviel
Can you hear yourself?
Come onl Don't you remember?
We started this so we could find girls who|were meaningful.
- Oh, meaningful. Come onl|- You know what?
Your sex-fest is over, jackass!
How are we gonna get|out of this mess, huh?
Sherman Oaks!
God's gonna punish us|for the things that we've done
when we least expect it.
God!
You know, I'm gonna|tell Marina the truth.
That's my choice.
And I suggest that you guys|do the same for your girls.
I like Laurel. I don't|want to tell her the truth.
Glenn...
it's time to grow up, man.
What am I talking about?
It's time for both of us to grow up.
It's a good script, Richie.
Okay, and take the rest of the money|and dump it in the Nikkei.
I feel a surge coming.
- We're all set.|- Okay. Thank you.
NASDAQ's dead.
Are you sure about this acting thing?
Are you still on the phone?
I am. I'm off, but he's on hold.|I'm on hold. You are...
Just take it out of your ear, okay?
Take it out!
You're never listening to me.
California is the Granola|State, you know that?
Fruits, nuts, and flakes.|You gotta be careful out here.
Here's where I'm staying.
You can have turned-down sheets|and nice pillows,
or you can sleep in the truck
and hand out your headshot|on Hollywood Boulevard.
I want you to think about that.
Teets?
Teezo!
What, are you claiming the bed already?
He's a cool guy, but let's get|to know him a little bit better
before you start moving in, okay?
Come on!
Come here!
Oh, sorry.
Hey, uh... what is this?
It's a internet dating service.
It's PerfectForMe. Com
Is... Is this part of|the audition process?
Am I... being filmed right now?|Is this a joke?
Okay. Um...
Look, the casting agency...
uh, was... was created in the hopes...|that we would find our... soul mates.
What?
The casting agency...
was created in the hopes|that we would find our soul mates.
So what you're saying is...
That the casting agency was created
in the hopes that we would|find our soul mates.
Oh, God.
What about the movie?
What movie?
I can't believe that I let myself like you!
I mean, all this time,|everything you said to me!
I trusted you! And everything...
I don't even know what to say!
I'm so shocked by this whole situation!
- I didn't think...|- Don't talk!
Just don't talk! L...
I don't know!
Can I talk now?
Thank you.
Look, Marina...|it's a mating call.
That's what it is. It's a mating call.
What? What are you talking about?
The casting call.|It was my mating call, you know?
Okay, you're crazy.
Yeah... No, I'm not cra...
I'm leaving. I'm leaving, okay?
- Bye!|- Bye.
...as an artistl|Hold onl Okay, wait, waitl
Marina, it's Nikita.
Okay, girls, I'm just gonna give it to you|straight, okay?
I'm not an actress.
I was assigned to investigate this case
because we got complaints|from some of the girls that came in
and auditioned for the guys.
"Complaints were filed against the|producers of the film Perfect For Me:
Richie Ray, Sherman Oaks,|and Glenn Dale. "
What?
"Actresses came in, auditioned,
"was invited to lunch,|was promised a part,
"got personally and intimately|involved with one of the guys.
"Then she was told|that because some financing fell through,
she was no longer in the film. "
And you're positive?
I mean, you're positive that these|are our guys from our movie?
If you look here,|the only "Perfect For Me" that exists
is a PerfectForMe. Com|internet dating service,
which I found on Dogpile. Com
I don't normally use the internet to date|'cause I don't need to.
I can't believe these guys!
And you'd be surprised.
This isn't the only time|things like this happen.
They happen all over the place,|all over the country.
Okay, so what do we do?|How do we get them back?
If you girls want in on this,
and you want to help me|with that, that's fine.
But I'm gonna bring these guys down.
You guys, I don't know.
I know a guy that breaks legs for cheap.
Well, good. We may need to hire him.
- I don't...|- Marina! You need to take care of yourself.
You're straight off the bus.
You don't know anything|about this business.
It's dirty and it's ugly.
I can't even believe|I was fooled by these guys.
Well, I can believe you were fooled by it.
- Are you in?|- I mean...
Marina, are you in?
I guess I am, yeah.
You guess you're in?
I'm in.
I mean, I'll do|what you need me to do.
- Power out.|- Fuck those guys.
Listen, Richie, the girls|just called, all right?
They want to rehearse.
I say we do it, man.
Oh, that's... that's|a fantastic idea, Sherman.
In fact, why do we need|to rehearse?
Why don't we just shoot the movie?
You know what? Hold on.
I'm getting a beep, okay?|I'll be... Hold on.
- Hello?|- Hi. It's Marina.
Marina...
Richie, look,|I get what you were saying.
I understand the whole|"mating call" thing.
I mean, it's a little crazy, but...
I get it. And, um...
I'm not gonna tell anybody about this.
I think we should just|keep it between us.
But seriously,
I think you should|make this movie, Richie.
I really think that you|have a great script.
You have a great cast.
We're dedicated, and you|have the money, so...
It's... It's a good script.
I really think you should consider it.
But, you know, as far as we go,|there's no hard feelings.
I'm not mad.
Really?
Yeah.
Can you... Can you hold on?
Sherman. Hey,|how does tomorrow sound?
Well? Did he fall for it?
I think so.
That wasn't half bad, that acting job.
"Tizzyanna, I love|the lettuce on your lips. "
"Don't try to confuse me.|Marcello is mine. "
Script is awesome.
What we really feel like it needs
is just some more steamy|kind of sexual stuff.
Yeah, I mean, it'll really|help sell the film, guys.
I mean, especially|in the foreign market.
And I'm totally open to nudity.
Yeah, we wanna do, like,|some hard-core stuff.
When do we start shooting?
I guess what we're trying to say
is that, you know, we understand
that there aren't really men in the film.
What would be great is|if we could maybe use you guys
to practice the sex on.
We want to have sex with you guys|and videotape it.
I...
Okay, wait, wait.
Why do you want to do that?
Richie, the girls have a great idea here.
I mean...
Well, we just, you know,
want to watch it back and make sure|that it's good and...
And then have more sex.
Right? And watch it|and practice harder
and harder and again and again.
Uh, with us?
Oh, yeah, Over and over.
Like, in and out, and, you know,|whatever you guys are into.
I'm open to lots of things.
I've had sex with a midget,|so I'm game.
That's fantastic.
It's really common on movies.
A lot of times they have sex counselors,
and you guys would be, like...|kind of like our sex, like...
- counselors.|- Mentors.
Yeah, so then when we shoot the film,|it'll be, like, amazing sex.
Some of the juiciest movies had really|memorable sex scenes.
I don't know if you guys|saw Fatal Attraction or...
Like Water For Chocolate.
- End Of The Affair.|- Good one. Good one.
- Last Tango In Paris.|- Deep Throat.
Platoon.
Agony And The Ecstasy.
- Can't wait.|- Okay, boys.
This is your room and your key,|and this is our room.
And you're not allowed|to come out of your room
until we come and get you, okay?
We're just gonna go in|and, uh... wash up.
Maybe we should wash|our genitals as well.
- Do that.|- Okay.
Let's go.
Marina.
Is this what you really want?
What are you talking about?
Marina, come on!
What do you think is|really going on here?
Richie, sometimes you just|gotta learn to follow, man.
Women, they like that.
Makes them feel like they're in control.
Sherman, they are in control.
There are no towels in here.
Hello?
Are you boys ready for us|to come over and rock your worlds?
All right. Listen, how are we doing this?
Are you girls coming in|one at a time or what?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We're gonna all come in|at the same time.
It's gonna be like a train.
I gotcha.
We're on! Take off your clothes!
They must never get laid.
Look at them. Never!
Because this is pathetic. This is so bad.
Are you taping this?|I want a copy of this.
Sherman, you can just take all three girls.
I can't do this.
I'll be thinking about you, Richie.
So which one was it?
Which one was what?
Which one of the guys was the one|that slept with that girl?
Why?
I don't know. I just...
curious, I guess.
It was Sherman.|It was Sherman...
the little fucking cocksucker, okay?
How do I look?
Sherman, you should know
nothing's gonna happen between us.
I know. Relax, man.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Come on in! It's open!
This where they're making a movie?
Uh, Yeah. We're making it|with girls, though.
We are girls!
Wrong room.
No, this looks like|the right room to me,
but, hey, I thought there|was gonna be three of them.
- Two will do.|- Oh, yeah.
Action!
- Oh, yeah!|- No! No!
- Let's go! Party, baby!|- No! Get off me!
No! No! No! No!
Cue the cops!
Police!
Freeze! Put the whip down|and step away from his ass!
I didn't do anything.
Jackpot.
- Come on.|- I didn't do anything.
- Let's go, buddy.|- What are you doing?
- Right out the door.|- I'm innocentl
Yeah, rightl
I'll never survive in here, man.
You got to protect me.
You're gonna love it here.
What are you talking about?
I'm in jail.
You're a big man. I'm a fragile man.
I'm gonna get eaten up here.
I'm gonna get eaten up alive in this place.
You like baseball?
What?
Baseball. You like baseball?
Yeah, I like baseball.
You're gonna love Mondays.
We play baseball|all day long on Mondays.
That's cool.
- You like bowling?|- What?
Yeah. Yeah, I love bowling.
You're gonna love Tuesdays.
We bowl all day long on Tuesdays.
With the female inmates, too!
- Really?|- Yeah.
That's cool. That's good.
- Tell me something.|- What?
- You like sucking dick?|- What? No!
- You like getting rammed up the butt?|- No!
Of course not! God!
You're gonna hate Wednesdays.
Let's have a little quiet.
I have reviewed|the testimony at hand.
I must inform you all|that under California law
the maximum penalty|for this crime of fraud
is 10 to 15 years' imprisonment
and a fine of up to $250,000
with no possibility for parole.
We need to buy some time.
Uh, Your Honor, may I...
Yes, you may.
I'd like to request a 24-hour stay
so that my clients|may prevent evidence...
Present or prevent?
Forgive me. Let me correct myself.
So my clients may present evidence|to support the fact
that they indeed had every|intention of making a movie.
Objection, Your Honor.
The defendants have|demonstrated malice
and fraudulent intent with cause,
and I move to impose|a summary sentence...
Your Honor, summary sentence?
Are we in some foreign country|here, Your Honor?
I had to wait an hour and a half for you|to spit out what you just said!
Quiet in Mendel's court!
Solomon Mendel does not stand|for this kind of noise!
Don't interrupt the judge!
I apologize for... I apologize...
Are you a wise guy?
- Me?|- Yeah, you.
No.
You seem to be a wise guy, Mr. D.A.
Don't be wise with me.
Thank you, Your Honor.
You're very welcome.
Bail will be set at $10,000 each.
It's not negotiable,
so don't ask me if I want|to be in your movie.
Defendants will have 24 hours|in which to present evidence to this court
until we reconvene|here tomorrow at 9 A. M.
And I mean sharp!
I don't want 5 after 9.
I don't want 10 after 9.
If you're gonna have your oatmeal,|have it at 8:00 in the morning.
Get here before 9.|You understand that?
9 A. M. It is, Your Honor.
5 to 9 is even better.
Your Honor, I can explain tomorrow.
It'll all be clear tomorrow.
You don't have to apologize,|just lose a couple of pounds.
Let's go, ladies.|Back to the day spa.
Sorry. This is all my fault, guys.
- I came clean with Marina. I'm sorry.|- Let's go!
I'm sorry.
You better come up with something|by tomorrow, Mr. Rey,
or we are gonna go down.
Not me. You. You guys are|gonna go down big-time.
I've got JVC flat screensl
I've got Pioneer Pure Visionl
I have flat screensl
Policel
Perfect. My life is a reality show.
All rise for the honorable|Judge Solomon Mendel.
Good morning. Morning.
Sorry I'm late.|My hybrid wouldn't start.
It's a pain in the neck. It's a good car.
I'm getting good mileage.
It's my wife's car.
Had some problems with it.
It usually goes like that.
I'm getting 40 miles to the gallon.
It's a great car. Great car.
If they'll ever end this Iraqi thing,
maybe I'll get something|other than this car.
But I still like the car. Anyway...
Mr. Public Defender,
are your clients ready|to present their evidence?
Where is he?
Uh, yes. Your Honor, at this time,
I would like to, um...
I would like to request|a 15-minute recess.
15 minutes? We just got here!
Objection, Your Honor.
He's starting this all over again!
Your case is that you have no case!
Sustained!
Do you hear? Are you deaf?
- Sorry, Your Honor.|- All right?
I see no other way to go here|but to proceed forth with a verdict.
In the case of California vs.|The Producers of Perfect For Me,
I find the defendants guilty as charged.
Wait, wait, wait a second.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
What's going on? What's this?
I hope this outburst has something|to do with your defense!
Yes, it does, Your Honor.|Yes, it does.
At this point, I would like to|submit to the court Exhibit A.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Is that a flat screen?
Yeah, this is a flat screen|JVC, 1500 pixel 32-inch
with hi-def upgradeable.
I was thinking of getting one.
- Go ahead. Proceed.|- Good, Your Honor.
It's a fantastic set.
Your Honor, we'd like to show a tape.
This is highly irregular, Your Honor.
I know it's irregular, but let's get to it.
Your Honor, we'd like to show a tape
which will, I believe,|exonerate my defendants.
I believe it will, Your Honor.
Mr. Rey, please show the tape.
The final cast was selected|based upon their overall qualities
that set them apart|from everyone else that we auditioned.
I do remember my first audition.
I was, um... I think I was 5,
and it was for, um,|Coppertone suntan oil.
Well, I just went to Manhattan
'cause I lived in Jersey,
and, um, I got a job on a cruise ship|for six months in the Caribbean.
They said, "Get down|in your bathing suits. "
And I was like, "Oh, my God.|I don't have a bathing suit on. "
And I was, like, "I'm perfect for this. "
'Cause I was tanned,|always at the beach, and...
Yeah, I just stripped down|and got down in my undies.
Every day is an audition for me, so...
I had to strip. I started very early.
So I danced on a cruise|ship, and I got so fat
because I only danced two days a week,|on Tuesday and Friday.
Rolls hanging out.
And after, like, five months,|they fired me 'cause I got too fat.
I did Tony n' Tina's Wedding|off-Broadway.
It was very cool.
That was my first official show.
And I decided to go, um,|in roller skates
because I wanted to go very different.
I was so excited.
I was like, "This is it. This is it. "
I went, "This is it?"
I was like...
I was just like this big, fat, porky dancer.
And this beautiful blonde,|like, came on the ship,
and they literally, like, threw me off.
I promise I won't bite you.
I'm just gonna grab you like this,
and we're gonna go for|a little bit of a roll.
I want a man who I can treat|like the king that he is.
Ohl Give it to mel Give it to me, babyl
I got, like, a revelation from God|when I was a little girl,
and it said, "You are|meant to be a star. "
They were funny.
They were beautiful, talented,|and smart and soulful.
They were perfect.|It's just like the ad says.
On behalf of the boys,
I would like to apologize to|Marina and Laurel and Nikita
for not being able to let|you in on the secret
that we were shooting a reality show
and that the casting agency|was not real.
What is this, The English Patient?
With this new evidence,
I move that we find my defendants|not guilty, Your Honor.
This is ridiculous, Your Honor.
It's possible. I'm pondering this.
In light of the new evidence,|I find the defendants...
not guilty as charged.
Curiosity, rubber neck,
freak-show thing I'm|experimenting with here.
Well, hello there.
I'm Melanie, and I'm from Texas.
I have a beautiful sister and...
we can all three go out.
Wow. I gotta tell you|I am, like, so happy
that you finally emailed me.
I totally had a feeling today|that you were gonna definitely email me.
Sometimes I'm psychic.|I mean, it's scary.
So I got your picture.|You are totally hot.
What are you doing here, Richie?
Hey, Mr. Teets.
I screwed up big-time.
You forgive me, though,|don't you? Yeah.
Your mommy got her revenge.
But you tell your mommy|that I'm sorry and that I miss her.
How could you do that?
I was just talking to Mr. Teets.
No, I'm not talking about that.
I'm not talking about all of|the reality-show bullshit.
Marina, don't you understand?
You're the one that I've been looking for.
Someone... like you.
Not someone like you. You!
What do I have to do,|produce another movie?
Hey! Look who's here! Cecil B. DeMille.
Where's the food plate?
By the way, when's that|movie coming out? 3 to 5?
That's what I thought.
Good boy, Mr. Teets.|That's a good boy.
Give me a kiss.
All right. Time to break him free.
Your bags...
Yeah, I'm not going anywhere.
I don't need a man in my life|just to follow my dreams, Richie.
Okay.
You give up so easily.
You're not even gonna,|like, try to fight for me?
Convince me? Maybe...
flowers would be nice.
Unless chivalry is completely dead to you
and you just don't believe|in that type of thing.
That's fine.
I mean, clearly, I'm not|the girl of your dreams.
Clearly that you wanna|keep looking, I guess.
You're right. I do want to keep looking.
I guess there are other people out there|that might be perfect for you.
I'll take that as a no?
Next.
Hello.
Next.
No, thank you.
Next.
Hello. I'm Nikita. I'm the producer.
Nice to meet you.
How old are you?
- 25.|- Perfect.
Would you mind just|spinning around for me?
The project's called Fresh Meat.
Azione.
Sola. Sola.
Sempre sola.
Stop.
Okay, I think we're gonna use that take.
That was really... That was the one.
- He didn't like it?|- No, no, no.
It's perfect. Don't worry.
- Perfect.|- You sure? I can do it again.
I've been diagnosed.
Um, I'm a sex addict.
I mean, don't...|don't tell anybody about it, please.
Just 'cause I'm...
I'm, really, you know,|shy about that, actually.
- A sex addict?|- Yeah.
That's funny. Next thing|you're gonna tell me
that you're starting a therapy group
so you can meet girls|who are also sex addicts.
That's a great idea.
Subtitled By J.R. Media Services, Inc.|Burbank, CA
I mean, no... I love to go camping.
One time this boyfriend|was cheating on me,
and a week later he lost his job,
and then his car got wrecked,
and then a tree fell on his house.
It has to be at least five tattoos
or five piercings. I don't care.
If not, don't even bother talking to me.
Been sober for six... sixty... six hours.
Yeah, six hours.
I have a lot of cats.
I like sex. I actually do like it.
And I have sex|with guys just for fun.
Although I am from Utah,|so I guess I may be biased
to prefer someone that's maybe Mormon.
That would make my grandma happy.
I'm a professional body painter,
so pretty much I just|roll around naked in paint.
I'm actually in the process|of developing a human slingshot
so I can do walls and houses.
I used to be Miss Teen USA.
I'm terribly afraid of crabs.
Not the S TD...
Well, the S TD, too, I guess.
Hi, my name is Debbie.
And I'm looking for|a very handsome guy
that's funny, smart.
Rich couldn't hurt.
That's great.
That's fantastic.
All right.|Thanks for calling, all right?
Bye.
Dude, that was Sigourney, the girl I|met at the casting agency last week.
Is that some sort of new|kind of dating service?
No, no, man. The casting agency|where my sister works.
And there was this huge rejects bin|filled with headshots.
So what did you do?
As I'm sifting through, I find this one|that has Playboy credits.
She's beautiful. I'm like, I have to,
have to talk to this girl.
So I'm writing it down and everything,|and this janitor walks in.
- What are you doing? Listen...|- This is my job.
- No, no, no. L... I want...|- This is my job.
- I want these.|- It's my job.
I take the trash bag|home, right?
And I call that girl.
I told her, listen,
even though she was rejected|by the casting agency,
I wanted her.
I wanted to cast her|in my music video.
What music video?
Richie, if I want,|I can easily make a music video.
Isn't this girl gonna freak out
when she finds out|you're not making one?
No. Listen, like I said,|if I really, really have to,
I'll make the frickin' video.
- How?|- With your camera.
Oh, that's if I let you|use my digital camera.
You're not gonna let me use it?
You're running|a fake casting agency
so you can lie to some women|and sleep with them.
That's borderline genius, man.
That's a brilliant idea!
Think about it, man!|Think about what you just said.
This is the way for...|for you and me
to meet the girl of our dreams.
All we have to do is, like,
place an ad in one of those|actor trade paper things,
and, man, we'll have|a ton of prospects.
We'll have tons and tons of|beautiful women knocking on our door.
I mean, you'll end up|finding your girlfriend.
Who knows, maybe your wife.|It's a great idea, man.
And we should do it.
Listen, it's like a personal ad.
All we're doing is casting someone|to play the perfect person for you.
You're happy lying to women,
and now you want me|to lie to them, too.
When the girl really gets|to know you, Richie, okay?
When the girl gets|to really, really know you,
she's gonna think you met by chance.
That is meant to be.
Look at this. It's beautiful.
It's amazing. The ad is really working.
Look at... Oh!
These girls are gorgeous, man.
This is disgusting. No. No.
What do you think of this?
I think that you're a psycho.
No, listen.
When you look at these photos, okay?
I'm showing you, there's|a lot of red flags here.
Her eyebrows are super, super thick.
Her nose, this girl? Look at it.
Looks like a Saint Bernard.
You've got to look really carefully here.
Look. See? Right there?
The hair on her arms?|She's very hairy.
It's disgusting.
Sherman, I get the point.
I'm doing this for you, man.
When's the last time you got laid?
Why do you need to know?
Exactly. I want to use|your video camera.
Why do you need my video camera?
- For the auditions.|- What auditions?
And we're gonna actually need|an office space, too.
I mean, with, like,|a waiting room or something.
Why don't we just add in|a Jacuzzi and a sauna?
We'll do a weight room.
Maybe some vaulted ceilings.
That'll be nice. A wet bar?
Listen, in order to do this right, Richie,
it has to be a legitimate operation.
- A legitimate operation.|- Right.
Right, right, for a fake casting agency.
That's great.
We need an office space,|whether it's fake or not.
And who's gonna pay for that?
I don't hear anything.
Hello.
Yes?
Glenn?
Yes.
You are such a freak, man.
Everyone I know says|hello or something
after they answer the phone.
Glenn? Hello? Are you there?
Yes.
What are you doing, man?|You're doing it again.
You're giving me no indication|that you're there.
Did the phone stop ringing?
Yes, it stopped ringing.
Well, then you can assume|that someone picked up the phone.
I can't believe I'm having this|conversation with you, Glenn.
What the hell is wrong|with you, man?
What's wrong with you,|whoever you are?
Glenn, we need to talk to you|about renting some office space.
All right.
Let's talk, then.
- Reject.|- All right, see ya.
Hey, Sherman, you realize|that you're throwing out girls
you would normally|try to pick up in a bar, right?
Richie, the whole point of this|is to get supreme quality ass.
Okay.
Uh, how about this one?
She looks like Lucy Liu.
She's hot. Keep her. Right?
- Look how hot she is.|- All right. Here.
It's a good keeper.
Look at this.
A Hilary Duff look-alike.|She's beautiful.
Keep her, right?
- Yeah, keep her.|- Absolutely. Look at her.
This looks exactly|like Morgan Fairchild.
What, does everybody|have to look like somebody?
Look.
Sherman, it is Morgan Fairchild.
Marina Del.
I don't know who she looks like,|but, you know, she's cute.
In the casting business we say,|"Turn her over. "
Uh, okay.
Casting directors|and producers look at this.
They look at the actor's credits.
But we look at this section right here.
Special skills.
"Swimming, cooking, rollerblading,
working with|underprivileged children. "
- What does that mean?|- That she likes kids.
Exactly. You're catching on.
- It's like a personal ad.|- Absolutely.
- So we keep her.|- Absolutely.
All right.
All right, look at this girl.
- She's got her sizes right on the front.|- Oh, man.
You don't know|what that means?
You never did that?
It's when you stick|your face in between
two substantially large breasts
and you blow really, really hard,
and you shake your head|side to side like that.
The combination of the air|and the movement
causes a sound...|a slapping sound...
that goes in your eardrum,|and that sound is prrrunsky.
- Turn her over.|- You should try it.
Weightlifting.
Mud wrestling, martial arts.
Horse riding. I mean,|absolutely. Bring her in.
No, no, no.|Army tank mechanic.
Tractor and Caterpillar driver.
- I say we toss her.|- Yeah, whatever.
Oops, sorry.
She's a prunsky.
Yes, she is.
What's that?
Hey, I saw that, Glenn.
I think she's a keeper.|I'm gonna call her.
No, you're not.
What time do you want|to start calling tomorrow?
What do you mean? We call them right now.
Can't call them now. It's too late.
Richie, it's not too late.
These girls are out-of-work actresses.
I mean, these are their office hours.|They're desperate.
Oh, great. Then we should|call them right now.
- Let's do that.|- Do it.
What do you think about her?
- She's hot.|- She's a keeper, right?
- She's a keeper. Great.|- Call her.
- Let's call her.|- Call her.
It's 2:00 in the morning.
It's a perfect time to call|and schedule an audition for next week.
That's great.
We'll call her.
Oh, good.|It's... It's ringing.
It's ringing.
Hi... Oh, I'm sorry.|Did I wake you up? So sorry.
Um, My name's Richie Rey,|and I'm producing a film,
and we got your headshot,
and we chose it out of hundreds...
no, no, thousands|of submissions...
and... based upon your|special skills being so,
um, special,
and we'd like you|to come in and audition.
Oh, fantastic. Yeah, uh...|Oh, one last thing.
Can you bring some form|of birth control, please?
Give me the phone.
The director actually just walked in,
and he would like|to speak with you.
His name is Glenn, uh...
Glenn... His name's Glenn... Dale.
Mr. Dale. Here he is.
Hello. This is Mr. Dale.
Hello?
She's hung up.
Nice.
You know, if she had caller I.D.,|we would be in big trouble right now.
Glenn, it was|a make-believe phone call.
Not to her.
I left the seat up. Excuse me.
I try to be considerate.
Excuse me.
That was me.
Over the sheets, too.
Not good.
- Okay.|- Cool.
You're gonna go places.
Cool. Put this on my tab.
Hi. Excuse me.
I was just wondering
if you had any, uh, casting papers
or something that could|sort of help me.
Here's the Casting Call.
Go out there and kill 'em, kid.
- Oh, $3.00?|- 3 bucks.
I know you're gonna do it.
Thanks.
- Let me know how you make out.|- Okay.
Women always ask questions.
Wait! I got it!
I got it!
Hi, I'm calling to schedule you|for an audition for an independent film.
I mean, chicks love|independent films, right?
That's perfect!
That's absolutely perfect!
That means we don't have|to have a script.
We don't have to have a schedule.
We don't have to have a budget.
Nothing. No money.
That's it! No pay.
Just a golden opportunity|to be in an independent film.
That's perfect!|Independent filmmakers.
We're independent filmmakers.
That's it.|I'm calling right now.
- Who should we call?|- What about... Yeah.
- This girl, number 1.|- Holly?
- Yeah.|- Girl number 1. All right.
This is gonna work. Here we go.
Richie Rey on the line. Please hold.
Go. Talk.
- Talk!|- Speakerphone.
Hi, this is Richie Rey.
Thank you for answering the phone.
We'd like to have you in|for an audition.
Cool. For what?
For an independent film.
Ooh, an indie. What's it called?
Perfect For Me.
What's the vibe? It sounds karmic.
Yeah, it's... It's got|some funny stuff in it.
Then sometimes it's not funny at all.
- Right.|- Sad, really.
Then it gets kinda creepy.
But it's... it's mainly funny.
Because it's a comedy.
- Who's producing?|- Me...
and Sherman Oaks,
with Glenn Dale directing.
What should I wear?
Uh, dress like a ho.
A ho? Sure. Okay, peace.
I told you!
Yes! Good work.|That was awesome.
I told you it would work. I told you.
Casting. Perfect For Me.
This is Marina Del.
Marina, I was just looking at your picture.
I'm sorry.
I'm... I'm just a little bit nervous.
I've never done this before.
This is actually my first time, too.
Casting?
Well, it's the first time...
first time, uh,
you know, dealing with the casting...
you know, the movie thing.
You're funny.
I hope you're the director.
L... I'm not, but I'm glad that I'm funny.
Oh, well.
Wishful thinking, I guess.
Um, okay, cool.
Well, I'll see you then.
Bye.
Director.
Hey, Glenn.
You definitely...
You want to be the director...
You wanna swap with me?|Director, producer?
I'm not the swapping kind.
I think he's the director!
What do you like in a relationship?|What do you need?
Number 1 rule: Honesty.
Honesty's a big thing.
- Honest.|- No man can lie to me.
So honesty... plus a big wiener.
Man lie to me, that's it. That's just it.
If you can get past that little prick.
If this was an audition for a porno, like,|what would you do?
I can get myself|down here into a pretzel.
I'm not gonna do that.
Just, like, mellow out
and smoke some dope.
My teacher says that I should really be|working on my sexuality.
And so he's gonna have me do|these private coachings with him.
He has me do them naked.
Do you think I could have gotten the job
if I did it this way?
Probably. So let me try.
Pretend that he's here,|because he's not here.
So I can't actually do it.
But he just takes down his pants,
and then I'm like...
Something like that.
It's the rollerhead look.
Just gonna grab you like this,
and we're gonna go for a roll.
Preferably younger.
I love the frat boys|with their little paddles.
Or a man with long hair like Tarzan.
- Can you get out?|- Um, no.
I like it when a guy|tries to impress me.
I think I...
- I'm sorry.|- And I broke my coccyx.
I don't know what's worse:|A guy with a little wiener,
or a guy with a little wiener|who tells you he has a big one.
As if you're never|gonna find out the truth?
Listen to that.
You can always tell the size of it|by the sound of the pee.
No, no. It's directly proportionate.
The deeper the sound, the bigger it is,|and vice versa.
I thought it was the hands.
I thought it was|how low their voice is.
I thought it was the nose.
Forget the nose, forget the feet,|forget the hands.
It's the force of the pee.
The force of the pee?
The force of the pee.
And by the way, that is so not circumcised.
Stinky pee-pee.
Excuse me.|Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Excuse me. Listen, I'm the writer.
- I really gotta go.|- Yeah, but...
The faster I go, the faster you guys|will be out of here.
Thanks.
So rude.
All right.
Force of the pee.
I'll show you girls force of the pee.
Come on, buddy.
Don't let me down, all right?
Come on. Come on.
What the heck|is taking him so long?
Men are selfish.
He better have lifted the seat,
and he better put it down|when he's done!
Let's go! Speed it up in there!
Hi.
It's all yours, ladies.
Go to the bathroom!
Once upon a midnight dreary,
while I pondered weak and weary,
But they should probably just be
with someone who likes little wieners.
Do you find that you're sexually promiscuous?
You right there? Oh, I|could snap you in half.
How much work these guys|are really getting done
if they are the whole day|sitting around watching TV?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! Oh!
Oh! Oh! Give it to me!
How about my ass?|You like my ass?
Show us your ass. Lift up your skirt.
Can you lift up your skirt while you pogo?
Sleazy, sleazy, sleazy.
All they want are these.
Your breasts are...
I'm willing to bet they're real, right?
You get a producer, they say,|"Oh, come over my house for an audition. "
"Oh, it's at your house? Really?|Okay, I'll try, you know. "
You walk in. "Here, have a drink. "
It's as if they're holding auditions|just to pick up a chick.
No.
That he was, like, making a film,
and I really thought I|was auditioning for him.
This business is mostly run by men|who are mostly scumbags.
And then he's, like, slapping my head.|I was like, "What are you doing?"
Like, my hair was on fire.
I can feel it.
This gig is about a look...|who you look like,
as in the flavors of the days.
Do any trampoline work?
Men are ruled by their overwhelming|desire to have orgasms.
Is there a bikini under that skirt?
What the fu... Who is this guy?
Men, agent, manager, blah.
Unless they're doing more for me|than I can do for myself, see you.
It beats waiting tables.
Forget that.
I gave up waiting tables a long time ago.
Now I work for a company|called Pure Romance.
Oh, let me show you guys|some of my stuff.
Your happiness is my touch
And that's why I hope|you'll understand
Why I've got this knife in my hand
I'm killing you
Because you lied
- What is...|- Feel that?
And it has a fabulous intense bullet|that's bedded right in the shaft.
All men suck, and they should die
All they do is cheat and lie
And you can use it|anywhere or anyplace.
I like to use it while I'm driving.
What's with the dog?
I'm sorry. Really I never do this,
but he...
- I really didn't have anywhere else...|- No, it's fine.
L... Uh...
His name is Mr. Teets.
You know me from the phone.
Oh, right. Hey! How are you?
- Good, good.|- Good to see you.
Uh, you can just|take a seat there.
Okay, great.
Um, okay.|So I prepared a monologue.
- I can just...|- You won't need it.
- Oh, really?|- No. Are you ready?
Well, yeah. What are we doing?
I'm just gonna actually ask you|a couple of questions...
- Okay.|... and all you have to do is answer.
Okay.
So what do you...
Are you rolling? Okay.
Uh, what do you|look for in a man?
Well, someone who loves|my dog as much as I do.
Um, someone who has passion.
Somebody who...
supports my dreams
and encourages me to go after them.
Somebody not like my current boyfriend.
Well, sounds like it's over to me.
Uh, it depends on who you ask.
Well, thank you|so much for coming in.
- Oh, I'm done?|- Yeah, that's... that's all we...
- That's all that we need.|- Sure.
- This has been an awkward experience.|- It's fine.
It was my first time, so...
- It was very nice.|- You made it pleasurable.
All night long.
They always kind of want,
you know, to flip you this way, turn you...
All day.
Everywhere.
Hi, I have a 3:30.
Perfect For Me?
Okay, take 2.
Hi, I have a 3:30.
Perfect For Me.
I'm the director.
Ooh. Hi.
You okay?
He's fine.
- Okay, uh, sorry about that.|- That's okay.
We're gonna ask you...
Glenn, are you done?
Hi.
Just have a seat right there.
Okay.
Is it contagious?
What are the types of things|that you look for in a man?
The three C's: Cash, cock,|and companionship.
Not necessarily in that order.
I mean, any woman who says
that a great, hard,|long banging from a man
isn't the most beautiful,
magical,
downright pleasurable|experience on earth
has either not experienced it
or is a hard-core lesbo.
Don't you think?
What did she say?
I don't know, but nice tits.
Thank you.
- Nice meeting you guys.|- Nice meeting you.
You should see a doctor about that.
- She's incredible.|- Amazing.
She's the kind of girl|you could bring home to Mom.
Right, Glenn?
Can you please tell us|what you think about men?
Men? Well, now,
I don't understand why they think
that bodily functions|are so hysterically funny.
You know?
Like burping and farting.
And they're always talking about how big|their last poo-poo was.
I'm a producer.|You wanna be in a movie?
You had a great audition.
Oh... thank you very much.
So, yeah, I'm thinking about
one of the lead roles|for you in our movie.
A lead role?
I can't believe it.
I think it's gonna be important
to spend time with you.
Get to know each other.
It helps me in rewriting the script,
you know, to get that information
and infuse that information|with your character.
- I love the way you work.|- Yeah? Me, too.
- S.|- Me, too.
Tell me about yourself.
Oh, okay, bueno.
I love pizza, and I love music.
Really? I'm a singer|and a songwriter.
- No.|- Yeah.
That's funny. I actually...|I happen to have...
one of my CDs actually on me.
Special for you.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Thank you very much.
You know, I should hook you|up with my boyfriend.
Who?
Oh, I think you and him|will connect huge.
He's amazing.
You will love him.
You know what? L... I|actually... I gotta take this.
- It might be a while.|- Oh.
So here... here you go.
You'll get the rest, right?
No, no, no, no. Perfect timing.
All right.
Keep in touch with yourself, okay?
Yeah. No.
- Keep in touch with this.|- What... What are you doing?
- Sit down!|- What the hell are you...
- Stand up when I talk to you.|- What the...
No, Tarzana is a lady.
But you don't know who you mess with.
What's your problem?
You'll be meeting with the director.
His name is Glenn Dale.
Okay? You're scheduled in.
Thank you.
You're all set.|Lunch with Laurel Canyon.
Hey! We are kicking ass, brother.
What happened to you?
What? Oh, nothing.
I, uh, just... you know,|just cut myself shaving.
Listen, more importantly,|I got a lunch date with Rollerhead.
But I hope it doesn't mess up my|dinner date with little Miss Reseda.
Lunch and dinner?|You have two dates in one day?
- Yeah.|- You're a freak.
No, listen man,|when are you gonna just give in
to that primal being of yours
and just, you know, review the tapes
and go out on some dates?
Even our boy Glenn here|has got a little rendezvous set up.
- Come on.|- You're still telling these girls
that we're making a movie.
Yeah!
But we're not making a movie.
Richie, don't sweat it.
Nobody in Hollywood who says|they're gonna make a movie
ever makes one.
You're stressing out, man.
- Relax.|- Okay.
Look, even if...
I guess if you have a date,|I should get a date, huh?
I'm gonna go masturbate.
I didn't need to know that, Glenn.
Does the carpet match the drapes?
Well, maybe I don't have carpet.
Maybe I wax the floors.
All they ever think about is their prick.
And, you know, I... I...
It's not that I've|been hurt or anything.
It's not that I'm some sort of psycho.
...and kept telling me,|"You're gonna be my wife.
You're gonna have my babies. "
And, "Don't you like it
when the cum squirts all over your eggs?"
And I'm like, "What are you talking about?"
So I basically pushed him off of me,
and I noticed that|he did come on me.
He poked a hole in the condom.
Um, I can go...
- Both ways?|- Yes.
In real life, or for a movie?
What's the difference?
Well, last week I shot|a national commercial,
and today I have three auditions|for some TV pilots,
and next week I have a spot|on The Bold and The Beautiful,
which I'm like,
really positive move for me.
- That's great.|- Oh, and I just met Rover Murdick.
And he wants to do an entire project|around my aura.
So I'm, like, really|blessed about that.
Very, very blessed about that.
How are you?
I don't get it. What do you mean?
How am I physically?
Like my core? My being?
I asked you to tell me|more about yourself,
and you told me how your|business is going, and...
So I was just curious|how you're doing, you know.
I get it. I get it. Yeah.
Well, I have allergies|bordering on chronic asthma
and a nasty yeast infection.
And my publicist is doing this really|great endorsement tie-in thing with it.
Oh, here's the thing.
Mercury is in retrograde right now,
so...
even if you offered me the part,
I can't do it.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Did you say|that... that they're doing
a promotional campaign|on your little problem down there?
Sort of like that, yeah.
How does that work?
Well, it's, um,|Vagina Awareness Week.
Let's see...
somebody who's passionate.
Somebody who has dreams|and ambition
and supports mine.
Lenny, hey, hi.
"Lenny, hi?"
Where the hell are you?
Lenny, I explained everything
about my game plan|in the note I left you.
"Had to go. Know you'll understand.|Love, Marina. "
That note?
Uh, that's the one.
You know how hard it is|to find a great assistant?
I'm sorry, but, uh, even though I love you,
you're fired.
I'm gonna be an actress.
If it kills me,
I'm gonna do this.
Meant to be we,
or not meant to be we.
I prefer to exist alone
rather than partake|in a meaningless love.
I seek completeness.
And I shall one day shareth it,
wheneth my true king thy come,
and I your true queen shall be done.
Never me,
always we.
Bravo, bravo.
You liked it?
Yeah.
What the hell was it?
Oh, it was just something I wrote|on my way across country.
So how do you like Hollywood so far?
So far, so good.
It'll be better when my dog and I|have a place we can call home.
Where are you living now?
Oh, well, it's kind of embarrassing.
Oh, really? What,|are you in Orange County?
I've been sleeping in my car.
Well, that's not embarrassing.
- Right.|- No, it's really not.
L... You know...|I've...
I've slept in... in my car before.
And I don't know about you,|but I... I had fun.
It's... It's kinda like camping.
Okay, good.
What's the clapping for?
The song is over.
What song?
On the sound system.
Right.
So, how's it going with the movie?
Glenn?
We listening to the music again?
I had a dream last night|that Don Knotts tried to kill me.
That's disturbing.
It was.
I bet.
Especially since he is so beloved.
Right.
Do you like me?
Oh, wow.
You know, I don't know you so well, Glenn.
That's kind of hard|to comment on right now.
Do you hate me?
No.
But if you give me a minute...
Well, if you don't like me
and you don't hate me,
you love me.
Excuse me?
Well, first you like someone,|then you love someone.
Then you hate someone.
Love is in between like and hate.
So, you don't like me,
you don't hate me.
You love me.
Wow.
- Okay.|- Okay.
Okay.
- Hello?|- I didn't hear your phone ring.
It's... It's on silent.|It's just this little light.
Yeah. No, I'm here.
Yeah, sure. No problem.
Yeah, like, I can be there in ten minutes.
Yeah, okay. Thanks. Bye.
Oh, drag. I gotta go to work.
Sucks. Hate it there.
But, you know, it pays the bills,
so I'm sorry, I gotta go.
Can I help you?
- Can I help you?|- Help me?
- Yeah.|- No. No, I think I'm good.
But, well, thanks anyway.
Okay? See you.
Thank you for wearing|those shoes.
You know, the auditions?
Right, so we're still|in audition mode?
What, did you think this was|some sort of date?
Oh, I don't know.
L...
Would you go|on a date with me?
I mean, maybe if you weren't|the producer of this movie.
If my boyfriend promises|to eat at my restaurant
and my restaurant only,
that I'm open 24 hours a day,|7 days a week.
Your style is so, like, rock star.
- Really? L... I play music, too.|- No way.
- I'm a singer and a songwriter as well.|- That's so amazing.
I actually have one of my CDs on me.
- You do?|- Yeah.
Here. Special for you.
Lucky girl. I get to listen to this?
- Keep it. It's yours.|- Thank you.
- Absolutely.|- This is so crazy,
because actually|I'm a singer as well.
- You are?|- I know I didn't tell you at the audition, but...
- Really?|- Yeah.
I have a recording studio|back at my apartment.
- That's so cool.|- Yeah.
Cheers.
Whoo! Oh, that's so hard to do.
Yeah, it's hot in here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
Look at you.
Yeah, look at me, right?
Look at me.
Yeah.
So, listen, I'm gonna...|I'm gonna play the axe here.
- Okay.|- All right?
This is the song that's|gonna be in the video.
Oh, cool.|Okay.
1! 2! 3! 4!
Under the covers, foggin' up the sheets
Under the covers finding|somethin' good to eat
- Yes.|- Oh! Wait, Sherman! No. I don't know...
Sherman, wait. Sherman, wait.
I don't... We shouldn't do this
because I don't want you to lose respect|for me as an artist.
- Hold on! Okay, wait, wait.|- I respect you.
We're artists. We're open-minded.
Wait a second. What about...
Shouldn't we wait till the wrap party|at least or som...
Okay, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, Listen.
Don't you... Oh... I...|Do you have a girlfriend?
- No.|- Are you sure?
- I would never cheat.|- Oh. Oh.
Wait, are you gonna|call me tomorrow?
Are you gonna call me,|or you... Oh!
- Oh, my!|- Oh, my God!
Oh!
Oh, Sherman.
Oh. Hey, what are you|doing here?
Okay.
Well, it's really good to see you.
All right, why don't you go,
I don't know,|grab a table or something,
and I'll get you a drink, okay?
I want a prunsky.
Prunksy? I don't know what that is.|What's in that?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.|No prunskies here, buddy.
Thank you.
Hi. I'm not interrupting|something, am I?
No, no, no. Come on in.
You guys remember|Reseda Camarillo.
Good to see you guys again.
- How you doing? Good to see you.|- Hi, baby.
- Good to see you.|- Hi.
I just wanted you to know|that I made dinner reservations
- at Augo's at 8:00.|- Okay.
Is that good for you?|Do you think he'll be done by 8:00?
Will he be done at 8:00?
- We had some budget cuts, okay?|- Yeah.
And we have to eliminate|some parts in the movie.
Yeah, I'm really, really sorry.
What does that mean?
We had to cut your part|out of the movie, okay?
- My part out of the movie?|- Yes. Yes.
I am so sorry. I am...|It's out of my control.
But I... I slept with you.
And I appreciate that. I really do.
I mean,
what am I supposed to say?
Thank you.
I broke up with my boyfriend.
So get back together with him.
It's not that complicated.|Really. It's not too late.
I never sleep with anybody|on the first date,
and I think I'm in love with you.
Hold on for a second.|I gotta take this.
Oh, God.
Hello?
You owe me.
Oh, my God.
- Hi.|- Hey.
I'm Nikita.|I'm here for the auditions.
- They're over.|- Yeah.
Do you play the guitar?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Oh, wow.
Oh, my God. There's something
about a man that can|play an instrument
that just makes me... hot.
Ooh, yeah.
Listen, um...
Let me walk you to your car. I have an idea.
- Oh.|- Okay?
But what about the audition?
I, uh... Even though|we're in callbacks,
I'll read you, okay?
- In the car?|- No, no, no, no.
A little later.
And maybe something|can happen between us.
We just, you know... We can't do it here.
Do you know what I mean?
- Okay? Okay, yeah.|- Yeah?
Definitely.
All right? Audition time. You ready?
Oh, no, no, no,|no, no, not that easy.
You need to play a song|for me on your guitar,
and then I'll audition.
Oh, if it's for you? I'll|do anything for you, baby.
Anything, okay?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. I almost climaxed.
That was good, right?
Yes, it was.
Have you ever had an orgasm|while playing the guitar?
Well, you know, there is this sort of, uh,
euphoria that comes over|you when you play, you know?
No, no, no.
I mean an actual, like...
orgasm.
No.
Well, let's take care of that, Papi.
You're a great girl, you know that?
Okay.
L... Listen... I... I can't...
No, play! Play!
- L... I can't do it.|- Keep playing. It's beautiful.
Listen, I, uh...
- I... I can't do it. It... It...|- Play it, bitch!
- Listen, I...|- Play that fucking guitar.
I can't split my brain up.
I can't...
You can come in my hair.
We found what we're looking for,
and you, you,|and you got the part.
- Oh, my God!|- What? Shut up!
Oh, my God! Congratulations!
Oh, my God. Without...|Wait, I didn't even read.
The new cast for Perfect For Me.
- Oh, My God!|- Oh, my gosh. That was so easy.
Got champagne. Congratulations, guys.|It's gonna be fun.
So when do we get a script?
Richie?
The script is at the printers.
Yeah, the printers. Exactly.
Cool.
Okay.
- So what is it about?|- It's about women.
- Yeah, women.|- And men?
No, no men.
I don't do girl on girl.
Oh, I do.
So when do we start shooting?
Uh, soon.
Yes, it's right around the corner.
We're shooting around the corner?
The studio in Hollywood.
We're gonna...|The big one where everyone shoots.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I wish that there were more producers|like you guys, 'cause you rock.
and that's our script.
That's a lot of work, man.
So we'll make Glenn do it.
It's so obscure, no one's gonna know|where we got it from.
I'm proud of you.
It took a while, but you are finally here.
Good work. All right.
You want a pad and a pen?
I'm Leland Briskin. Don't judge me|by this ridiculous badge.
It was taken off a dead|tour guide some time ago.
But pay attention to what|I'm about to tell you.
First of all,|hang very close together.
You're not to annoy|the stars at any time.
Action.
Did any of you ever|remember the film...
probably many of you are|too young, gazing about...
Sunset Boulevard?
I can tell you, I was a director.
Well, not a full director.
I was an A.D., and I was damn good.
I had too many affairs.
Anyway, don't use your cameras.
And the stars,
if they appear to be odd to you,
to be a little bit different,
a little off-bubble, as we say,
don't bother them.
They're here for a reason: To shoot.
Sometimes each other,|I suppose. I don't know.
Yes, what is it?
How do you make a film?
"How do make a film?"
Now stop it.
By the way, I'm not supposed to take tips,
but I want something.
Gosh, the lighting|is just perfect, you see.
Just overhead.|Look up, my dear.
Don't do everything you're told.|Yes, I'll look up.
Stop for a moment.
The arch here was used|in The Fall of the Roman Empire,
and they brought it back from Rome,
where they shot also in Spain,
and left this exact place|where all those...
I can't remember all the actors...
but isn't it marvelous, you see?
And they, of course, painted over it.
Robin Hood was shot...
I don't know if you|remember Errol Flynn...
fantastic actor...
And, of course, Olivia de Havilland,|Basil Rathbone...
It was all shot inside.
Oh, it's them. Hi.
Yeah, we're out front.
Okay. Okay, bye.
What are you doing on the phone?
Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.
How rude. It's the second|time I've caught you.
First it was the watch,|and now you're talking on the phone.
Do you have a cell phone?
Yes, I do. But it's in my pocket.
I don't care to see it.
- Well, I wasn't going...|- Yes, what does he want?
Could we use the bathroom?
I'm a Christian Scientist.|I don't have to go at all.
Thank God, they just called.
They're gonna come|and get us out front.
- What's going on?|- I don't know.
They said our names|weren't in the system.
So embarrassing.
Richie, come here.
- Come on, let's go. Act like you belong.|- I want to finish the tour.
This is where Lassie took a dump.
Hey!
Hey! How you doing? What's up guys?
Yeah. What are you talking about?
You gotta be kidding me.
You tell him he's an asshole.
And you tell him I said that|to his face, all right?
I am so sorry. It's been a crazy day.
Yeah, lots of big|Hollywood meetings in there.
Wow.
We were hoping you guys|could, like, show us around.
Maybe show us, like, your office and...
Oh, yeah. You're gonna see|plenty of the studio
- when you're shooting.|- Right.
You're probably gonna get sick of it,
'cause you're gonna|be living here so much.
But, um, we actually|have to go, you girls,
because, uh, we're running late|to another meeting,
so I'm really sorry.
What the devil's going on?
I'm talking to you over there.
How dare you go off limits!
I think that old guy|is calling you guys.
I've begged you, begged you|and all the rest...
Just ignore him. He's crazy.
Excuse me for a second.
He's not talking to...
...not to go wander|out into the streets.
Do you understand that?
You are delusional!
That's a big word for a little chap.
You are not working|on this picture, okay?
- I gave you a chance...|- I told you never to break away.
What the devil's your name?
- Sherman Oaks!|- I won't have it.
- Oh, God.|- Is there a problem?
Yes. This young chap,|Sherman Oaks.
Isn't that something for you?
This guy stole the lighting grid|on my last picture,
- and we fired him!|- I want this man arrested.
He's unwilling to accept it, okay?
And he's making terrorist threats to my|crew and more importantly to my family!
I love that scene.
God, you were good for the first time.
- See what I'm saying? He's delusional.|- Excellent.
This man's out of his mind.|Get your hands off me.
I'm not gonna stand for this stuff!
Sorry, sir. We'll take it from here.
- What do you mean?|- Come on, Leland.
Just a moment.|I know what you're saying.
We're doing a prison picture, aren't we?
Honey, I've never seen you like this.
And it is sexy.
Do you think you guys are okay?
Yeah, everything's fine.
It's a tough business,
but, you know, you gotta love it.
Cheers.
Me, too.
Look, he's still working on it.
- It's a little strong.|- I'll show you how to do it.
Watch this.
Where are we going?
Richie, I... I gotta go.
L... I can't.
What are you|working on right now?
His movie, Perfect For Me.
- Perfect For Me.|- Yeah, it's an independent.
- Yeah, they all are.|- And I'm the lead.
You're the lead?
Gosh, that's beautiful.
- Well, one of the leads.|- Naturally.
This is dedicated to Laurel Canyon.
I have a growing obsession with you.
I have a growing obsession inside me.
I want to be with you.
It's like an involuntary muscle.
Flexed.
Engorged with its load.
It's got to explode!
Dreams are forever|in this game that we play.
I can't give you up.|You won't go away.
Is it fate?
It is I... Glenn.
I think it's a good time to get outta here.
The door, the door,|what's behind the door?
Behind the door, another door.
Behind the door, another door.
Behind the door!
Another door.
When a love burns this bright,
they call it starlight.
I have a growing|obsession inside me.
This is a little uncomfortable.
We should applaud here.
Yeah, fuck that. I'm outta here.
Obsessive-compulsive has|such a negative connotation to it,
when really we're the ones|who are willing to show
what human behavior is really like.
You know, all the ones that hide|their idiosyncratic eccentricities,
those are the ones to be afraid of,
'cause they're walking time bombs.
You liked it?
I didn't like it.
I didn't hate it.
I see your insanity.
I love it.
Prunsky?
The words that you spoke.
It was a very memorable moment.
- Thank you, Richie. Thank you.|- You're welcome.
You know, when I was 12,
I was in love with a girl my age.
I was awkward then.
Got so I couldn't speak to her at all.
So I got myself some chloroform,|a blanket, and some tape...
Um... Glen...
please don't tell me any more.
It could be incriminating.
Yes.
That looks like Mr. Teets.
It is Mr. Teets.
It's... And Marina.
Excuse me, sir.|Excuse me, sir.
Hello! Hello.
There's a woman in the car.
- You can't tow the car.|- I don't speak English.
What happened?
I don't speak English.
Mama, come.|Come. She's coming.
Come with me. You come.
Fresh handkerchief?
Thank you.
You're welcome.
It's okay. You can come in.
All right.
Hello.
- Can you put that away?|- Why?
'Cause I said I wanted to act,|not end up on the internet.
This is part of the movie.
Your personal movie, maybe.
All right. You could just drink it|straight out of the bottle.
- That's fine.|- Sick!
Don't watch me when I spit. You promise?
- Okay.|- I'm serious.
All right. I won't watch you when you spit.
You rinse and then...
That's really gross.
I know! I told you not to watch me.
That's nice.
You know, you're welcome to use my bed.
I won't be in it, of course.
I could sleep on the sofa.
I should get dressed.
Do you want to help me?
Just hold this like that.
Oh, hold it... Okay.
All right.
Okay, hold on.
Bottoms are on. Are you peeking?
- Me?|- Yeah.
Do you feel pretty steady there?
Oh, yeah.
All right.
You can drop it now.
Okay, on 3. 1, 2...
So...
What?
Well, here we are.
Yeah?
In my bathroom.
Richie, if you're gonna kiss me,|you should just kiss me.
Okay.
Okay.
Right.
Then that happened.
So I'm gonna go...
- sleep in my bed.|- Yeah.
And you're gonna go in your car.
Get into my Element.
- Okay. Good night.|- All right. Thanks for the shower.
- Thank you. Yes.|- Bye.
She's in her car in my driveway sleeping.
I'm gonna tell her the truth, man.
Yes.
What if I hurt her, you know?
I don't want to... If I tell her the|truth, she might freak out the other girls
And I don't wanna ruin|what's going on for you guys.
Oh, my God. Yes.
Oh, yeah. You like that?
Oh, just take it in. Do you like it?
It's just something I gotta tell you.
The casting agency,|it's more like, uh...
like a dating service thing.
Good morning!
Uh... Lenny... Richie...
Richie is the producer|of the film I'm working on.
Oh, right! Yeah. Hi.
I'm her boyfriend.
Oh, so this is what a producer does.
What are you doing?
That's it. I'm out.
What do you mean you're out? Hey! Come on!
We're having a little bit|too much fun here, Richie!
Listen, listen, listen!
This is making a big difference|in my life, Richie, okay?
Stopl Listenl
I already have a second|film lined up with thisl
Stopping this would be insanel|What are you doing?
No, the insane thing is that you're|just in it to get your jollies off.
You realize that you are always thinking|about your penis.
It's all about the penis|for you, isn't it?
There's a name for that disease.
It's called castration anxiety.
Oh, gosh, Sherman, I had no idea.
Listen, you're just, like...
You're just fired up by that guy Lenny.
Lenny is not the issue.
Lenny is a reminder that these girls|are only hanging out with us
because they think|we're making a movie
- We are making a moviel|- We not making a moviel
Can you hear yourself?
Come onl Don't you remember?
We started this so we could find girls who|were meaningful.
- Oh, meaningful. Come onl|- You know what?
Your sex-fest is over, jackass!
How are we gonna get|out of this mess, huh?
Sherman Oaks!
God's gonna punish us|for the things that we've done
when we least expect it.
God!
You know, I'm gonna|tell Marina the truth.
That's my choice.
And I suggest that you guys|do the same for your girls.
I like Laurel. I don't|want to tell her the truth.
Glenn...
it's time to grow up, man.
What am I talking about?
It's time for both of us to grow up.
It's a good script, Richie.
Okay, and take the rest of the money|and dump it in the Nikkei.
I feel a surge coming.
- We're all set.|- Okay. Thank you.
NASDAQ's dead.
Are you sure about this acting thing?
Are you still on the phone?
I am. I'm off, but he's on hold.|I'm on hold. You are...
Just take it out of your ear, okay?
Take it out!
You're never listening to me.
California is the Granola|State, you know that?
Fruits, nuts, and flakes.|You gotta be careful out here.
Here's where I'm staying.
You can have turned-down sheets|and nice pillows,
or you can sleep in the truck
and hand out your headshot|on Hollywood Boulevard.
I want you to think about that.
Teets?
Teezo!
What, are you claiming the bed already?
He's a cool guy, but let's get|to know him a little bit better
before you start moving in, okay?
Come on!
Come here!
Oh, sorry.
Hey, uh... what is this?
It's a internet dating service.
It's PerfectForMe. Com
Is... Is this part of|the audition process?
Am I... being filmed right now?|Is this a joke?
Okay. Um...
Look, the casting agency...
uh, was... was created in the hopes...|that we would find our... soul mates.
What?
The casting agency...
was created in the hopes|that we would find our soul mates.
So what you're saying is...
That the casting agency was created
in the hopes that we would|find our soul mates.
Oh, God.
What about the movie?
What movie?
I can't believe that I let myself like you!
I mean, all this time,|everything you said to me!
I trusted you! And everything...
I don't even know what to say!
I'm so shocked by this whole situation!
- I didn't think...|- Don't talk!
Just don't talk! L...
I don't know!
Can I talk now?
Thank you.
Look, Marina...|it's a mating call.
That's what it is. It's a mating call.
What? What are you talking about?
The casting call.|It was my mating call, you know?
Okay, you're crazy.
Yeah... No, I'm not cra...
I'm leaving. I'm leaving, okay?
- Bye!|- Bye.
...as an artistl|Hold onl Okay, wait, waitl
Marina, it's Nikita.
Okay, girls, I'm just gonna give it to you|straight, okay?
I'm not an actress.
I was assigned to investigate this case
because we got complaints|from some of the girls that came in
and auditioned for the guys.
"Complaints were filed against the|producers of the film Perfect For Me:
Richie Ray, Sherman Oaks,|and Glenn Dale. "
What?
"Actresses came in, auditioned,
"was invited to lunch,|was promised a part,
"got personally and intimately|involved with one of the guys.
"Then she was told|that because some financing fell through,
she was no longer in the film. "
And you're positive?
I mean, you're positive that these|are our guys from our movie?
If you look here,|the only "Perfect For Me" that exists
is a PerfectForMe. Com|internet dating service,
which I found on Dogpile. Com
I don't normally use the internet to date|'cause I don't need to.
I can't believe these guys!
And you'd be surprised.
This isn't the only time|things like this happen.
They happen all over the place,|all over the country.
Okay, so what do we do?|How do we get them back?
If you girls want in on this,
and you want to help me|with that, that's fine.
But I'm gonna bring these guys down.
You guys, I don't know.
I know a guy that breaks legs for cheap.
Well, good. We may need to hire him.
- I don't...|- Marina! You need to take care of yourself.
You're straight off the bus.
You don't know anything|about this business.
It's dirty and it's ugly.
I can't even believe|I was fooled by these guys.
Well, I can believe you were fooled by it.
- Are you in?|- I mean...
Marina, are you in?
I guess I am, yeah.
You guess you're in?
I'm in.
I mean, I'll do|what you need me to do.
- Power out.|- Fuck those guys.
Listen, Richie, the girls|just called, all right?
They want to rehearse.
I say we do it, man.
Oh, that's... that's|a fantastic idea, Sherman.
In fact, why do we need|to rehearse?
Why don't we just shoot the movie?
You know what? Hold on.
I'm getting a beep, okay?|I'll be... Hold on.
- Hello?|- Hi. It's Marina.
Marina...
Richie, look,|I get what you were saying.
I understand the whole|"mating call" thing.
I mean, it's a little crazy, but...
I get it. And, um...
I'm not gonna tell anybody about this.
I think we should just|keep it between us.
But seriously,
I think you should|make this movie, Richie.
I really think that you|have a great script.
You have a great cast.
We're dedicated, and you|have the money, so...
It's... It's a good script.
I really think you should consider it.
But, you know, as far as we go,|there's no hard feelings.
I'm not mad.
Really?
Yeah.
Can you... Can you hold on?
Sherman. Hey,|how does tomorrow sound?
Well? Did he fall for it?
I think so.
That wasn't half bad, that acting job.
"Tizzyanna, I love|the lettuce on your lips. "
"Don't try to confuse me.|Marcello is mine. "
Script is awesome.
What we really feel like it needs
is just some more steamy|kind of sexual stuff.
Yeah, I mean, it'll really|help sell the film, guys.
I mean, especially|in the foreign market.
And I'm totally open to nudity.
Yeah, we wanna do, like,|some hard-core stuff.
When do we start shooting?
I guess what we're trying to say
is that, you know, we understand
that there aren't really men in the film.
What would be great is|if we could maybe use you guys
to practice the sex on.
We want to have sex with you guys|and videotape it.
I...
Okay, wait, wait.
Why do you want to do that?
Richie, the girls have a great idea here.
I mean...
Well, we just, you know,
want to watch it back and make sure|that it's good and...
And then have more sex.
Right? And watch it|and practice harder
and harder and again and again.
Uh, with us?
Oh, yeah, Over and over.
Like, in and out, and, you know,|whatever you guys are into.
I'm open to lots of things.
I've had sex with a midget,|so I'm game.
That's fantastic.
It's really common on movies.
A lot of times they have sex counselors,
and you guys would be, like...|kind of like our sex, like...
- counselors.|- Mentors.
Yeah, so then when we shoot the film,|it'll be, like, amazing sex.
Some of the juiciest movies had really|memorable sex scenes.
I don't know if you guys|saw Fatal Attraction or...
Like Water For Chocolate.
- End Of The Affair.|- Good one. Good one.
- Last Tango In Paris.|- Deep Throat.
Platoon.
Agony And The Ecstasy.
- Can't wait.|- Okay, boys.
This is your room and your key,|and this is our room.
And you're not allowed|to come out of your room
until we come and get you, okay?
We're just gonna go in|and, uh... wash up.
Maybe we should wash|our genitals as well.
- Do that.|- Okay.
Let's go.
Marina.
Is this what you really want?
What are you talking about?
Marina, come on!
What do you think is|really going on here?
Richie, sometimes you just|gotta learn to follow, man.
Women, they like that.
Makes them feel like they're in control.
Sherman, they are in control.
There are no towels in here.
Hello?
Are you boys ready for us|to come over and rock your worlds?
All right. Listen, how are we doing this?
Are you girls coming in|one at a time or what?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We're gonna all come in|at the same time.
It's gonna be like a train.
I gotcha.
We're on! Take off your clothes!
They must never get laid.
Look at them. Never!
Because this is pathetic. This is so bad.
Are you taping this?|I want a copy of this.
Sherman, you can just take all three girls.
I can't do this.
I'll be thinking about you, Richie.
So which one was it?
Which one was what?
Which one of the guys was the one|that slept with that girl?
Why?
I don't know. I just...
curious, I guess.
It was Sherman.|It was Sherman...
the little fucking cocksucker, okay?
How do I look?
Sherman, you should know
nothing's gonna happen between us.
I know. Relax, man.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Come on in! It's open!
This where they're making a movie?
Uh, Yeah. We're making it|with girls, though.
We are girls!
Wrong room.
No, this looks like|the right room to me,
but, hey, I thought there|was gonna be three of them.
- Two will do.|- Oh, yeah.
Action!
- Oh, yeah!|- No! No!
- Let's go! Party, baby!|- No! Get off me!
No! No! No! No!
Cue the cops!
Police!
Freeze! Put the whip down|and step away from his ass!
I didn't do anything.
Jackpot.
- Come on.|- I didn't do anything.
- Let's go, buddy.|- What are you doing?
- Right out the door.|- I'm innocentl
Yeah, rightl
I'll never survive in here, man.
You got to protect me.
You're gonna love it here.
What are you talking about?
I'm in jail.
You're a big man. I'm a fragile man.
I'm gonna get eaten up here.
I'm gonna get eaten up alive in this place.
You like baseball?
What?
Baseball. You like baseball?
Yeah, I like baseball.
You're gonna love Mondays.
We play baseball|all day long on Mondays.
That's cool.
- You like bowling?|- What?
Yeah. Yeah, I love bowling.
You're gonna love Tuesdays.
We bowl all day long on Tuesdays.
With the female inmates, too!
- Really?|- Yeah.
That's cool. That's good.
- Tell me something.|- What?
- You like sucking dick?|- What? No!
- You like getting rammed up the butt?|- No!
Of course not! God!
You're gonna hate Wednesdays.
Let's have a little quiet.
I have reviewed|the testimony at hand.
I must inform you all|that under California law
the maximum penalty|for this crime of fraud
is 10 to 15 years' imprisonment
and a fine of up to $250,000
with no possibility for parole.
We need to buy some time.
Uh, Your Honor, may I...
Yes, you may.
I'd like to request a 24-hour stay
so that my clients|may prevent evidence...
Present or prevent?
Forgive me. Let me correct myself.
So my clients may present evidence|to support the fact
that they indeed had every|intention of making a movie.
Objection, Your Honor.
The defendants have|demonstrated malice
and fraudulent intent with cause,
and I move to impose|a summary sentence...
Your Honor, summary sentence?
Are we in some foreign country|here, Your Honor?
I had to wait an hour and a half for you|to spit out what you just said!
Quiet in Mendel's court!
Solomon Mendel does not stand|for this kind of noise!
Don't interrupt the judge!
I apologize for... I apologize...
Are you a wise guy?
- Me?|- Yeah, you.
No.
You seem to be a wise guy, Mr. D.A.
Don't be wise with me.
Thank you, Your Honor.
You're very welcome.
Bail will be set at $10,000 each.
It's not negotiable,
so don't ask me if I want|to be in your movie.
Defendants will have 24 hours|in which to present evidence to this court
until we reconvene|here tomorrow at 9 A. M.
And I mean sharp!
I don't want 5 after 9.
I don't want 10 after 9.
If you're gonna have your oatmeal,|have it at 8:00 in the morning.
Get here before 9.|You understand that?
9 A. M. It is, Your Honor.
5 to 9 is even better.
Your Honor, I can explain tomorrow.
It'll all be clear tomorrow.
You don't have to apologize,|just lose a couple of pounds.
Let's go, ladies.|Back to the day spa.
Sorry. This is all my fault, guys.
- I came clean with Marina. I'm sorry.|- Let's go!
I'm sorry.
You better come up with something|by tomorrow, Mr. Rey,
or we are gonna go down.
Not me. You. You guys are|gonna go down big-time.
I've got JVC flat screensl
I've got Pioneer Pure Visionl
I have flat screensl
Policel
Perfect. My life is a reality show.
All rise for the honorable|Judge Solomon Mendel.
Good morning. Morning.
Sorry I'm late.|My hybrid wouldn't start.
It's a pain in the neck. It's a good car.
I'm getting good mileage.
It's my wife's car.
Had some problems with it.
It usually goes like that.
I'm getting 40 miles to the gallon.
It's a great car. Great car.
If they'll ever end this Iraqi thing,
maybe I'll get something|other than this car.
But I still like the car. Anyway...
Mr. Public Defender,
are your clients ready|to present their evidence?
Where is he?
Uh, yes. Your Honor, at this time,
I would like to, um...
I would like to request|a 15-minute recess.
15 minutes? We just got here!
Objection, Your Honor.
He's starting this all over again!
Your case is that you have no case!
Sustained!
Do you hear? Are you deaf?
- Sorry, Your Honor.|- All right?
I see no other way to go here|but to proceed forth with a verdict.
In the case of California vs.|The Producers of Perfect For Me,
I find the defendants guilty as charged.
Wait, wait, wait a second.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
What's going on? What's this?
I hope this outburst has something|to do with your defense!
Yes, it does, Your Honor.|Yes, it does.
At this point, I would like to|submit to the court Exhibit A.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Is that a flat screen?
Yeah, this is a flat screen|JVC, 1500 pixel 32-inch
with hi-def upgradeable.
I was thinking of getting one.
- Go ahead. Proceed.|- Good, Your Honor.
It's a fantastic set.
Your Honor, we'd like to show a tape.
This is highly irregular, Your Honor.
I know it's irregular, but let's get to it.
Your Honor, we'd like to show a tape
which will, I believe,|exonerate my defendants.
I believe it will, Your Honor.
Mr. Rey, please show the tape.
The final cast was selected|based upon their overall qualities
that set them apart|from everyone else that we auditioned.
I do remember my first audition.
I was, um... I think I was 5,
and it was for, um,|Coppertone suntan oil.
Well, I just went to Manhattan
'cause I lived in Jersey,
and, um, I got a job on a cruise ship|for six months in the Caribbean.
They said, "Get down|in your bathing suits. "
And I was like, "Oh, my God.|I don't have a bathing suit on. "
And I was, like, "I'm perfect for this. "
'Cause I was tanned,|always at the beach, and...
Yeah, I just stripped down|and got down in my undies.
Every day is an audition for me, so...
I had to strip. I started very early.
So I danced on a cruise|ship, and I got so fat
because I only danced two days a week,|on Tuesday and Friday.
Rolls hanging out.
And after, like, five months,|they fired me 'cause I got too fat.
I did Tony n' Tina's Wedding|off-Broadway.
It was very cool.
That was my first official show.
And I decided to go, um,|in roller skates
because I wanted to go very different.
I was so excited.
I was like, "This is it. This is it. "
I went, "This is it?"
I was like...
I was just like this big, fat, porky dancer.
And this beautiful blonde,|like, came on the ship,
and they literally, like, threw me off.
I promise I won't bite you.
I'm just gonna grab you like this,
and we're gonna go for|a little bit of a roll.
I want a man who I can treat|like the king that he is.
Ohl Give it to mel Give it to me, babyl
I got, like, a revelation from God|when I was a little girl,
and it said, "You are|meant to be a star. "
They were funny.
They were beautiful, talented,|and smart and soulful.
They were perfect.|It's just like the ad says.
On behalf of the boys,
I would like to apologize to|Marina and Laurel and Nikita
for not being able to let|you in on the secret
that we were shooting a reality show
and that the casting agency|was not real.
What is this, The English Patient?
With this new evidence,
I move that we find my defendants|not guilty, Your Honor.
This is ridiculous, Your Honor.
It's possible. I'm pondering this.
In light of the new evidence,|I find the defendants...
not guilty as charged.
Curiosity, rubber neck,
freak-show thing I'm|experimenting with here.
Well, hello there.
I'm Melanie, and I'm from Texas.
I have a beautiful sister and...
we can all three go out.
Wow. I gotta tell you|I am, like, so happy
that you finally emailed me.
I totally had a feeling today|that you were gonna definitely email me.
Sometimes I'm psychic.|I mean, it's scary.
So I got your picture.|You are totally hot.
What are you doing here, Richie?
Hey, Mr. Teets.
I screwed up big-time.
You forgive me, though,|don't you? Yeah.
Your mommy got her revenge.
But you tell your mommy|that I'm sorry and that I miss her.
How could you do that?
I was just talking to Mr. Teets.
No, I'm not talking about that.
I'm not talking about all of|the reality-show bullshit.
Marina, don't you understand?
You're the one that I've been looking for.
Someone... like you.
Not someone like you. You!
What do I have to do,|produce another movie?
Hey! Look who's here! Cecil B. DeMille.
Where's the food plate?
By the way, when's that|movie coming out? 3 to 5?
That's what I thought.
Good boy, Mr. Teets.|That's a good boy.
Give me a kiss.
All right. Time to break him free.
Your bags...
Yeah, I'm not going anywhere.
I don't need a man in my life|just to follow my dreams, Richie.
Okay.
You give up so easily.
You're not even gonna,|like, try to fight for me?
Convince me? Maybe...
flowers would be nice.
Unless chivalry is completely dead to you
and you just don't believe|in that type of thing.
That's fine.
I mean, clearly, I'm not|the girl of your dreams.
Clearly that you wanna|keep looking, I guess.
You're right. I do want to keep looking.
I guess there are other people out there|that might be perfect for you.
I'll take that as a no?
Next.
Hello.
Next.
No, thank you.
Next.
Hello. I'm Nikita. I'm the producer.
Nice to meet you.
How old are you?
- 25.|- Perfect.
Would you mind just|spinning around for me?
The project's called Fresh Meat.
Azione.
Sola. Sola.
Sempre sola.
Stop.
Okay, I think we're gonna use that take.
That was really... That was the one.
- He didn't like it?|- No, no, no.
It's perfect. Don't worry.
- Perfect.|- You sure? I can do it again.
I've been diagnosed.
Um, I'm a sex addict.
I mean, don't...|don't tell anybody about it, please.
Just 'cause I'm...
I'm, really, you know,|shy about that, actually.
- A sex addict?|- Yeah.
That's funny. Next thing|you're gonna tell me
that you're starting a therapy group
so you can meet girls|who are also sex addicts.
That's a great idea.
Subtitled By J.R. Media Services, Inc.|Burbank, CA