Caught in the Draft (1941) Movie Script

Ten seconds to go.
Remember now, this is a one-way
street. Forwards. You understand?
All right,
gang. Let's take 'em. Follow me!
It's loaded!
It's got bullets.
Loud ones!
Don, this is supposed
to be a battle!
We can't have a battle
without bullets.
Stop the rain! Stop the rain!
Step back, boys. Yeah,
stand back! Stand back!
Oh, I feel dizzy.
I think I'm gonna faint.
Where's Bert?
Bert! Bert!
Bert? That's me!
Get me out of this trunk.
What's the matter,
boss? Take it easy. I'll get you a chair.
Never mind the chair.
Get me a quart of blood.
Sit down,
Don. Sit down. I'll be all right.
I'll be all right.
What's the idea? You promised
me there wouldn't be any shooting.
But, Don, they were only blanks.
I don't care.
I can't stand the noise.
You said you'd put
in the sound later.
I meant the artillery stuff.
I didn't think a few little
pistol shots would bother you!
Well, they do, I tell you.
I can't stand it.
I even jump when somebody
cracks his knuckles.
I'll go get some brandy.
Just get me some water.
Some water!
They're shooting some battle scenes today,
Would you care to watch?
Oh, yes. Battle scenes?
Should be very interesting.
And quite a novelty,
too, eh, Dad? Uh-huh.
Listen, I used a Sam Browne belt for a
teething ring and I was weaned on a canteen.
Can't we see
something in a more romantic mood?
Well, our great screen lover,
Ronald Adair, is home in bed today.
What's the matter.
His hangnail is acting up again.
All right,
boys. Back on the set in 15 minutes.
Feelin' okay now, boss?
I'm fine, but I'll have to have
somebody iron out my goose pimples.
Picture business!
Terrible, isn't it?
What you have to go through
to make a fortune!
Maybe you ought to stay home
tonight for a change.
I'd like to,
but I've got a heavy date and you're driving.
Every night a different dame!
Thirty gals a month
is your quota.
Yeah, I wish they'd do
something about February.
boy! Get an eyeful of the honey with Steve!
All right, Stanley,
start rounding up your people.
Mmm, that's a bundle.
She looks like Dorothy
Lamour with clothes on.
It must be quite a struggle to
achieve success in Hollywood.
Oh, no. You just have to know
which fork to use
and which knife to stick
in whose back.
Oh, Don.
Miss Fairbanks,
I want you to know my client,
Mr. Don Bolton.
Oh, how do you do,
Miss Fairbanks?
How do you do?
Pardon the left hand.
The right one is paralyzed.
How awful! Yes,
signing too many autographs.
Your face seems very familiar,
Mr. Bolton.
yes. You've probably seen it around the country,
plastered all over barnyards
and chicken coops and stables.
Well, I suppose somebody has
to keep the cows contented.
Yes, they do.
Mr. Bolton?
Would you grant me
a great favor?
Oh, well, all right.
If it'll make you happy.
I've always wondered
if that were your real nose.
Thank you.
If you press a little harder,
water squirts out of the button.
I'm sorry I'm not doing one of my
love scenes today, Miss Fairbanks.
You'd be thrilled.
You think so? Oh,
I know so. When I play one of my hot love scenes,
the camera perspires.
How exciting!
Oh, yes. I've toasted
many a leading lady.
Oh, you're wonderful.
Well, I'm sort of a Madeleine
Carroll with muscles. Really?
More blood.
Make me braver.
How would you like to see the movie stars' homes,
Miss Fairbanks?
I'd love to. Oh,
that's fine. We'll start with my house.
Dinner at 8:00,
all right?
This is a private
conversation, bud.
No extras in the scene. Run along,
will you? Oh, but, Mr. Bolton...
You heard me, Boy Scout.
Now, go find your spear and sit on
it. How'd you get so clean anyway?
Why isn't he dirty like the
rest of us? He should be!
Stop it! What are you trying to be,
fancy or something?
Stop it!
How dare you!
There, that's better.
Now he looks good.
Wait a minute, please.
This is my father,
Colonel Fairbanks.
Yeah, well, these...
Your father?
Oh, then you're a real colonel?
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
I thought you were an actor.
I'm sure I could never
make that mistake about you.
Excuse me, sir, I didn't know.
Here, let me wipe it off.
Let me help. Don't you know a
real colonel from a character?
I'm very sorry.
I wouldn't do it for the...
Come on,
Dad. We'll take care of this at home.
Oh, wait a minute, please!
Oh, go jump in the lake!
What about our date?
Aren't you gonna see me?
The next time I see you,
I hope you're stuffed with
cloves in a delicatessen window.
Come, Dad.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Golly, Don, you hurt?
Don, where are you?
I can see you
but you can't see me.
Ooh, mammy!
Hey, Bert, did you see
the headlines in the paper?
Do you see what it says about
the draft? Don't get excited, boss.
It don't mean nothin'.
Anything the Senate starts,
the president will veto anyway.
you can't tell. He's liable to be in a bad mood.
21 to 40.
And you're 32.
I'd go in a minute if I was sure
they wouldn't shoot any guns off.
Besides, that would keep me off the
screen for a year. What would my fans do?
Maybe they're the ones
who put the draft through.
Not so funny.
More biscuits, Mr. Bolton?
They are nice and hot.
Oh, thanks, Yetta.
No, thanks, Yetta.
What's the matter? You look worried,
Mr. Bolton.
It looks like
I'm caught in the draft.
Oh, I pull the window down.
No, it's not that kind. You'd
have to pull the Senate down.
Senate? He means he may
have to register for the army.
Oh, that's too bad!
How about you,
Yetta? Did you ever register as an alien?
I have no time.
Oh, but I told you. You're an alien
and you're supposed to register.
Oh, they got enough aliens!
They don't need me to draft.
Don. Don! What are you doing here?
You don't collect your 10%
of my salary till Saturday.
Did you see this?
Did you read it?
I read it right off the paper.
Well, what does it say?
It says I might be drafted.
That's what I thought.
Do you know what that means?
That means you get $21 a month.
And what do I get
out of that? $2.10!
I'll starve to death!
I'm in favor of that part of it.
Yeah, you starve to death!
But what about me?
Cannons, bombs and bullets!
I couldn't stand it.
Hmm. I don't want
any of that!
Oh, you two guys are just
stewin' about nothin'!
Suppose they do call you. How do
you know you'll pass the physical exam?
That's right.
Let me see your feet.
My feet?
What do you think?
That reminds me, did they
ever find the Bremen?
I wish you were on it.
Let me see the other one.
I'm afraid they're all right. Hey,
he ain't got no little toe!
he has. It just likes to cuddle.
Say, what do people
do to get flat feet anyway? I don't know.
What did you do to
your head? What...
Flat feet, huh?
Bill Robinson, get it?
I get it.
You should see
the blisters on my feet.
You should've put
court plaster on them.
I did. Now the court
plaster's got blisters.
Maybe you could shoot
one of your toes off.
Just that little
cuddly one there.
You know I couldn't
stand the noise.
Personally, if I were you,
I'd marry one of them
dolls of yours.
That's it. Thousands of guys are
gettin' married to avoid the draft.
Nothing doing. That's like cuttin'
your throat to cure laryngitis.
Don't have to be permanent.
It's just for the duration
of the emergency.
Sure! Then you can
throw her back to the wolves.
Hmm, I wonder.
I'd do it in a minute, but every dame
I propose to wants me to support her.
Yeah, but I wouldn't know
who to pick.
Get me my little red book.
Which volume?
Boy, boss!
You couldn't go wrong
with this one.
Couldn't I?
Elaine. Nice kid,
but she snores.
My sister went
to school with her.
Here, what's wrong
with this one?
She's got a nice, honest face.
Hey, get a load of these twins.
Those aren't twins!
That's my girl!
Your girl? She's a little plump,
isn't she?
Where's she now?
Boulder Dam.
Boulder Dam? Working?
She's part of it.
Some of
your numbers ain't so hot, either.
There's Ruth. A phony.
Phoebe. Lucille,
a cute redhead.
Brenda and Cobina!
Hey, how 'bout that?
Hey, that's not bad.
Not bad at all!
I think she's the one.
I'm sure of it.
Oh, I'll give her
a slight jingle.
You forgot somethin',
boss. What's that?
She's already married.
Oh, silly girl.
Hey, well, look who's here!
Hey, that's the girl you
brought on the set the other day.
Mmm-hmm. Yes,
sir. Now there's a girl I think I could stand...
For a year.
What's she got that
they ain't got?
Nothin', only she
groups it better.
I'd hate to have that old
sourpuss for a father-in-law.
Yes, sir, I think she's the
answer to a conscriptee's prayer.
Ain't you takin'
an awful lot for granted?
Remember she told you to go
jump in the lake?
Ah, she was only kiddin'.
I bet ya I have her
over here this afternoon.
I went out with a girl once who
told me to go jump in the lake.
When I got back, she was gone.
I don't know why.
Do you?
No. No.
Get his nibs.
Yeah, look at the fire hazard
on his upper lip.
I bet if he ever combed that out,
a couple of forest rangers would fall out.
Well... Well, what is it?
It's Mr. Bolton, ma'am.
He's in pretty bad shape.
Miss Fairbanks. He's taken a turn for the worse.
The doctors are afraid
it might be permanent.
Did he have an accident?
What happened?
Now, now, now, Miss Fairbanks,
you know what happened.
You pushed him into the trench.
I did not push him!
Well, whatever you did to him,
he's hurt his spine.
Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
Did he...
Did he send you here? Oh,
no, no.
Only last night, when he was delirious,
he kept calling for you.
Yeah, yeah, he kept sayin',
"Antonio! I need you, Antonio."
Who's that?
Ain't that you?
My name is Antoinette.
Oh, that's what he said.
Oh, he pronounces very bad
when he's delirious.
We thought you might
surprise him and come over.
Well, I'll be very happy to.
I'll slip something on.
We'll wait down here.
He's sitting out in the garden.
Sitting? With
an injured spine?
He's sitting, but it hurts.
But he's sitting. Look.
Don sure is a glutton
for punishment.
Seeing you will
do him a lot of good.
Hello, there.
Miss Fairbanks!
No, it can't be.
Of course it is.
How are you feeling?
Oh, pretty good,
but the spots in front of my eyes had me worried.
Spots? Well,
it isn't the spots so much.
It's those little men playing
pool with 'em.
Well, that's what you get
for not using a double.
I didn't know you were
so dangerous.
It's nice of you to come over.
Not at all.
What do the doctors have to say?
Oh, it's nothing serious,
just a broken back.
How do you like my stone girdle?
I'm really terribly sorry.
I'm not. I might never
have seen you again.
Well, I did get to see a movie
star's home after all, didn't I?
My, what a lovely swimming pool!
Oh, it's adequate.
What's that over there?
Another swimming pool?
Oh, last year's.
Why don't you sit
down? Thank you.
How are you, chief?
Oh, hello, Steve.
Your X-rays. They
just arrived. X-rays?
Oh, yes, yes. Thanks,
Steve. May I see them?
Oh, well,
I'm just skin and bones.
Have you seen much of
Hollywood since you've been here?
No, not very.
then you still need a tourist guide.
I'm afraid It'll be a little
crowded in that wheelchair.
I don't think I'll be laid up very
long. I heal fast. Terrific resistance!
I'm sure you have.
How would you like to take me out tonight? Oh,
Oh, tonight? Well, I can try of course,
but those X-rays...
If these are your X-rays,
the date's off!
What do you mean?
If I remember my anatomy,
this is an X-ray of a woman.
Good day, Madam Bolton!
Oh, now listen, please!
Oh, wait a minute.
Have a heart, will you?
Look at all the trouble I went
to just to get you over here,
just to get to talk to you.
I know I acted like
an awful heel at the studio,
but can't you
relent just a little?
All right.
All right!
Oh, freedom. Oh!
Ah, you lucky people!
I don't wanna get
personal, boss,
but when are you gettin' down
to business? What do you mean?
I mean, when are you
gonna pop the question?
You know, you've gotta be all married
before the draft is announced or it's no dice.
Well, it's a funny thing, fellas,
but this gal cramps my style.
Hey, and you don't help me any
peekin' at me through that rearview mirror.
Gee, I never made you
self-conscious before, boss.
Yeah, well, Tony's different.
When I'm around her, I get the urge,
but I can't think of any dialogue.
Can't you remember any of that
guff you give out on the screen?
Hey, there was a pretty
good bit in Hearts Afloat.
Let's see. How'd that go?
"Genevieve, your eyes are like
two limpid pools in the moonlight.
"I love you,
Genevieve. If you'll only be my..." Uh, uh...
Genevieve, your eyes are like
two limp pools in the moonlight.
I love you... Now wait a
minute. This is Tuesday night.
And I'm not Genevieve,
I'm Tony. Remember? Oh.
Well, Genevieve was my
grandmother's name
and you remind me
of my grandmother.
Of course, you're much younger.
Did you love your grandmother
very much?
Oh, yes, very much.
And how well I remember the
night she was killed in the theater.
What happened?
Granny had put on weight and the runway collapsed.
Oh, now listen,
Tony. Just say the word and be my exemption.
Say, look where you're goin',
will you?
What are you trying to say?
Get a little music,
will you, Bert?
Get something else!
A lot of help you are.
That's more like it.
What were you
trying to say, Don?
Look, Tony, I...
I suppose you've gone out
with a lot of young army officers.
Well, yes, I have.
Well, would a guy with a couple
military brushes have a chance?
You know, Don,
all foolishness aside,
most people don't think very much of
soldiers until their security is threatened.
Well, right now it is.
The army needs men.
Yes, they certainly do.
I'll tell you what. Maybe we
could raise our son to be a soldier.
Our son?
Oh, sorry. I forgot
the preliminaries.
Tony, darling, I love you.
I want you to marry me. I'll
do anything to make you happy.
Oh, Don. You'll never regret it,
I'll give you the kind of home
you've always dreamed about.
I'm used to having a man in
uniform around the house, you know.
I'll wear one for pajamas.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we interrupt this broadcast
to bring you an important bulletin
from the news bureau of this network.
The Senate has just passed
the conscription bill.
The bill, which goes
before the House immediately,
provides for the
registration of all men
between the ages of 21 and 31.
21 to 31.
Did you get it, boss?
21 to 31.
Oh, bother with that!
Darling, I want you to know you've
made me the happiest girl in the world...
Oh, but, just a minute, dear.
I don't want you to make a
decision on the spur of the moment.
It's a serious thing,
you know. All right.
I'll count 10 before I say yes. One,
two, three, four...
Yeah, but I just can't
rush you into this.
It's not fair. It's not fair
to your father.
Oh, nonsense!
I'm over 21.
Yes, but I'm over 31.
Are you trying to
talk me out of it now?
Oh, no, no, of course not!
It's just maybe
I'm too old for you.
Here you are, in the
flower of womanhood,
and me, just a shell of a man,
a broken hulk.
Oh, over 31, hmm?
I think I understand.
I understand perfectly.
Stop the car!
Let me out!
Oh, now listen, please,
honey! Let's talk this over.
There's nothing to talk over.
You're just yellow!
Oh, Tony!
Tony, wait a minute!
Extra! Read all about it!
Get out!
Shh! You're not gonna call
the colonel, are you?
This is a job for
the exterminators.
Oh, but, Tony, just give me
a couple of minutes.
The less I see of you,
the better.
But I've been tryin' to
reach you for two weeks.
Can't you understand
I don't want to see you!
Tony, I've learned you can't
put your heart in a plaster cast.
stop it! You sound like an unpopular song!
Well, all right,
but I only came here to tell you one thing.
All I want to hear
from you is goodbye!
That's it. You see,
I'm enlisting in the army.
That's right.
What are you up to now?
Tony, that look in your eyes when you
walked out on me has kept me awake nights.
I've got to put myself right with
you and with my own conscience.
I don't believe a word of it!
I didn't think you would.
Why don't you come down to
the recruiting station with me?
Yes, you bet I'll go down with you! In fact,
I'll drive you down.
I'm just curious to see how
you'll get out of this!
My, but you're
a suspicious person!
Yeah, well, is
everything set, Stevie?
Yeah, practically.
Tony with you?
She's drivin' me down.
That's fine. You stall around for about
half an hour and everything'll be ready.
Fit all right,
Mr. Cogswell?
Just perfect, Mr. Riggs.
I hardly know myself.
Lucky you. Here.
Take care of his clothes till he gets back. Yes,
Now, you understand what
you have to do, Mr. Cogswell?
Oh, it's very simple, Mr. Riggs. I go
down to the army recruiting station
and wait for the sergeant
to go to lunch. That's right.
He always goes to lunch
at 12 o'clock.
Hmm. Then, when Mr. Bolton arrives,
I pretend I'm a sergeant.
I take his application
and I turn him down.
Right, now, when he tells you he's
a little squeamish about loud noises,
you tell him you can't use him.
He'll argue with you,
but you ignore it and turn him down.
Are you sure you can do this,
Mr. Cogswell? I don't want any slip-ups.
Oh, don't worry about me,
Mr. Riggs!
I practically live every part I play.
I'll probably wind up
enlisting myself.
With guys like you in the army,
we need a three-ocean navy.
Something I can do
for you, Sergeant?
Oh, no.
No, thank you.
I'm just waiting for someone.
Well, come in and sit down. You've
been walking post out there for a half hour.
Uh, thank you,
but I don't want to disturb you, Sergeant,
and you'll probably be
going to lunch anyway.
No, no lunch today.
No lunch?
No, no lunch.
But you... But you
gotta go to lunch!
Why? What's it to you?
Nothing at all.
Are you... Are you sure
you're not gonna go to lunch?
Come here, you! Oh,
Mr. Riggs! Mr. Riggs!
Here it is.
Still skeptical, eh?
I don't know.
I can't quite make you out.
Intriguing, isn't it?
Good afternoon, Sergeant.
Open for business?
Sure! Come right in.
You're all alone, eh, Sergeant?
Yep. It only takes
one man.
I suppose you want to enlist.
Brother, I want the toughest,
most dangerous branch of the service.
Brother, you'll get it!
Here, fill this out.
aren't you Colonel Fairbanks' daughter?
That's right.
Well, Colonel Fairbanks. I did a
hitch for him once in Fort Totten.
That's where I've
seen you. Really?
Hey, maybe I could be assigned
to Colonel Fairbanks' outfit.
Could that be arranged?
Sure, that's a cinch.
Don't you think that'll be cozy?
I guess that answers everything. Do I sign here?
Recruiting station.
Everything going along all
right? Mr. Bolton get there?
Wait a minute.
You Bolton?
Guess this is for you.
Hello? Yes, Steve.
It's my agent. He's winding
up my personal affairs.
He can't find the lids
to the swimming pools.
How's that phony sergeant?
Ah, there's nothing
to worry about.
No, Steve, we'll just have
to forget about my career.
Tell DeMille my answer
is still no.
He'll have to be satisfied
with Gary Cooper.
Thanks for callin', Steve.
Okay, sign here.
Okay, I'll sign. But how long do I
have to wait for the encyclopedia?
There you are.
Well, if I hadn't seen it,
I never would have believed it!
Oh, you can do better than that.
Well, buddy,
you're in the army now...
Provided, of course,
you pass the physical examination.
I'll breeze through that.
There's only one little thing
I thought I'd better mention.
I'm a little jumpy about sudden noises,
like pistol shots.
That wouldn't make
any difference, would it?
No. They'll have you playing
Yankee Doodle with a machine gun.
Oh, sure, I...
Wait a minute.
You sure you're reading
your lines right?
What do you mean,
"reading my lines"?
You're supposed to say...
Are you really
the recruiting sergeant?
Who'd you think I was?
Then I've enlisted?
Wasn't that the idea?
Yeah, but it went wrong!
Give me that!
What are you trying to pull?
I thought so!
Up to your old tricks again.
You'll have plenty of time to think
up some new ones, Private Bolton!
So long. See you
in the guardhouse.
You got me.
Raise. Up.
Neck. Down.
One thing I can tell ya.
Don't let 'em cut your hair.
Neck. Down.
That's not high enough.
Did you take ether?
We should have joined the Scotch
army. At least they wear skirts.
Miss Fairbanks should get
a load of you in that sarong.
I don't know why we had
to get mixed up in this!
Oh, quiet! If you hadn't botched things up,
I'd be a happily married man today.
You'd be what?
Well, married anyway.
What size bowl did they use?
You guys are suckers.
You should've did what I did.
What did you did?
Had every one of 'em yanked out,
and they was all good, too.
Stick out your foot.
You're rejected.
Flat feet.
Flat feet!
Holy smoke!
And they were all good, too.
Come on. Come on.
Hey, what's this?
Haven't I seen you
somewhere before?
Oh, sure. I ran fifth in
the Kentucky Derby!
Look, a tent with sleeves in it.
Anyway, it matches the pants.
Put it on!
Stay on your feet.
You'll get a draw.
I'm afraid this won't do. I'd like a
little more drape and a little less droop.
Why didn't you say so? We'll be
only too happy to make it over for you.
- That'll help.
- Yeah.
What about the trousers?
They're a little snug under the arms.
What's in this
snood back here? Yehudi?
What about me?
You'll have to wait till the next
load. We're all out of uniforms.
There's room for one more,
in here.
Are your shoes okay?
They're fine.
He went that way.
Parade, halt!
All right, boys, snap it up. Come
down and bring your baggage with you.
Corporal, take half these men
and put them in tent number three.
Put the other half
in number four.
So, this is it, huh?
Watch out for
the ping-pong table.
I got it.
Whose stuff is that?
It's mine,
son. You can start taking it to my room.
You have a reservation,
I suppose?
I should have. I wired ahead.
I hope you're not too crowded.
Let's take a look around and
see what the accommodations are.
Go right ahead.
That third tent on the left
has very good
and indirect lighting.
Indirect lighting?
Yeah. It comes up through a
gopher hole under the stove.
Oh, he's gonna be fun.
All right, gang,
come and get the mail!
Hey, gang, here's the mail!
All right, now. Don't crowd in too close,
men. Ill see that you get it.
Don Bolton.
Don Bolton!
Right here.
Don Bolton.
How'd they ever find me?
Don Bolton!
Don Bolton!
See who they're from, Bert.
Don Bolton.
Your fan mail.
Yeah, it's my fan mail!
Don Bolton!
ls that for me too?
"Hazel Chapman."
Hazel Chapman?
I don't know her.
She don't know you, either.
Bolton. Bolton. Bolton.
Bert, Steve, look who's here!
Don Bolton.
Don Bolton!
I think I'll pay them
a little social call.
It might make things easier
for us around here.
Pardon me.
Hey, where are you goin'?
Ill be back,
but don't wait dinner for me.
Bolton. Bolton! Bolton.
That's me! That's me.
Ah, my relief check!
Well, what do you know?
How do you like that guy?
A man after my own heart.
Lady, Im workin' my way through
the army. We're raffling off an old tank...
Oh, it's you!
Oh, give me a break.
Ouch! Not there! Oh,
now listen, Tony. Be nice to me.
After all,
you're responsible for my being here.
Im responsible?
Well, in a way.
I don't blame you for being
angry. You were perfectly justified.
I refuse to even
discuss the matter.
Take your foot away!
You're not being very patriotic.
After all, I am a soldier.
That remains to be seen.
All right, I suppose I have no right
to make any demands upon you.
After all, you're
a colonel's daughter.
Im just a stale rookie.
I guess I'd better
just go jump in the lake.
On your way there,
would you mail this letter?
Ah, Tony, have a heart,
will you?
All right, come on in.
When did you arrive?
I checked in a little while ago.
We're gonna see a lot
of each other, aren't we?
Frankly, Don, I can't say.
What do you mean?
Dad never did approve of
our going out together.
Seeing you in uniform
might make a difference.
Im sure it will.
Im not.
Nonsense! All you have
to do is be a good soldier.
Well, Tony, Im gonna try
the best I know how,
but I just don't fit
and I can't help it.
You're not going to admit
you're a coward?
Of course Im not a coward!
Im just allergic to bullets!
How do you know? You can
be scared and still be a hero.
Some of the bravest men have been
scared half to death going over the top...
But they kept on going.
You don't know what you'll do
when those guns start to roar.
Ive got a pretty good idea.
Ive got faith in you, Don.
I know you'll make good.
Ill tell you what.
Dad's in his study.
Why don't you go in and
soft-soap him a little?
Soft-soap him?
When I get through with him,
he'll think he's had a bubble bath.
Right through there.
What is it, dear?
Hiya, neighbor!
Sure. Anytime you wanna borrow a cup of sugar,
don't you hesitate...
Be careful! It took me
four days to set that up.
It's cute. Somethin'
Santa Claus brought you?
I suppose Tony sent you here.
She should know better.
Go back to your quarters
and tie that garter.
All kiddin' aside, Colonel,
Ive gotta tell you why I dropped in.
Ive got something very
important to talk to you about.
Go ahead.
What is it?
I suppose you know that Tony and
I kind of got a crush on each other
back there in Hollywood.
A crush? Well?
My being in the army,
a buck private...
That won't make any difference,
will it?
Frankly, Private Bolton,
I don't think you can make the grade
either in the army or with Tony.
What do you call "making the grade,"
being a colonel?
Not at all.
You don't have to be a colonel,
a captain, a lieutenant,
or even a sergeant.
If you were only a corporal,
it'd prove you had the right stuff in you.
That's a deal.
What do you mean, "a deal"?
Im good enough for Tony
as a buck private.
If I get to be a corporal,
will I be good enough for you?
Yes, because I don't think
you can make it.
Ill make it, all right,
if you'll play fair.
The army always plays fair!
How are you two getting on?
Just ducky.
That's fine.
You better get back to
your quarters now, Bolton.
Okay, chief.
Oh, Im sorry.
Why, you stupid, clumsy oaf!
You scatterbrained idiot!
Get out of here and stay out!
Get out!
What's the matter with
that guy? Can't he read?
Right shoulder...
Order... Arms!
Get back in line, soldier.
Come up to inspection.
Im sorry, Corporal.
Order... Arms!
What'd he say?
I didn't get it.
Would you mind
repeating that order?
Order... Arms!
Dress right!
Right dress.
Isn't this the right dress?
Come on,
soldier. Come on. Snap into it.
You mean that girlish thing.
Ready... Front!
Parade... Rest!
A rest at last...
Pick up that piece,
soldier. Pick it up. Get back in line.
Let's get together, shorty.
Get in line!
After all, it's
your racket, you know.
Eyes... Right!
Eyes... Right!
Eyes... Right!
Eyes... Front!
Eyes... Right!
Hey, Red, here comes Bolton now.
Eyes... Front!
Who's responsible for this? This
is preposterous! It's an outrage!
How 'bout a smile,
Mr. Bolton?
Wait. Ill run back to the
tent and get my dimples.
You'll get plenty for this!
Columns right!
Pardon me.
I gotta join the army!
Hey, fellas!
You'll smell 'em and like it.
Ill smell 'em.
Such fragrance! I don't know
how they live with each other!
What a racket!
Ah, so that's what happened
to those things!
A Republican, eh?
Of course it isn't your fault. You
can't help it if you're a public figure.
Ill speak to Father.
It's a little late for that.
Poor darling. Did you
clean an awful lot of fish?
Did I? They got me
dreamin' about 'em.
I thought you dreamed about me.
I do, but now you're a mermaid.
Well, Im proud of you, Don.
You've turned out to be as
good a soldier as the rest of them.
So far, but the fireworks
haven't started yet.
I don't mind carrying a rifle,
but if they ever ask me to shoot one, I'm sunk.
And they're gonna ask me.
Oh, Dad?
Don... I mean,
Private Bolton and I were just talking.
That incident on the parade
ground wasn't his fault.
That matter is closed.
But not forgotten,
sir. I still smell like Pier Six on Friday.
There is no occasion
for further discussion.
Yes, sir. I mean, no, sir.
Oh, but there is.
It may happen again.
If Don were assigned
to some other duties
like driving a car,
for instance...
Then he wouldn't be
spoiling your parades.
Mmm, you drive, do you?
Yes, sir, with either hand.
Don't I?
Fine. I think we'll have a place
for you in a new unit we're forming.
Thank you, sir. You don't know
how I appreciate that, Colonel.
Don't mention it.
By the way, Colonel, I have a couple
of friends who are handy around cars.
Do you think they can
be transferred with me?
Yes, I think that
can be arranged.
Oh, thank you, sir!
There you are.
See how easy it was?
Oh, boy! No guns,
no hiking, no kitchen police!
All I gotta do is drive
a car. What a cinch!
All right.
Ill be right with you.
You got the idea now?
You want to turn right,
you bring your foot down on his right shoulder.
You wan him to turn left,
put your foot on his left shoulder.
If you want him to back up,
you bring your foot down on top of his head.
If you want him to go faster, you just
kick a rapid tattoo on the back of his neck.
Hey, will you quit talking
with your feet?
I gotta, you sap,
on account of the noise!
Can't you take off your
shoes and whisper?
ls everything clear
to you? It's a cinch.
And you down there,
you follow his signals
no matter what they are.
You understand?
Don't do any steering on your
own account. Just follow orders.
ls that clear?
Okay, Ill let you
handle it for a while.
I got that other detail
to take care of.
Come on, we'll never get a ride.
Sure we will!
Look what's coming.
Hey, we've stopped.
I wish I could.
Aw, come on, soldier.
Give us a ride.
Well, all right.
What about me?
Can't handle it,
girlie. You'll have to wait for the meat train.
Stand by for a concussion.
You're driving like a dream.
This must be Capistrano.
We'll get him on the next lap.
That's better
than going under it.
Hey! Hey.
Having fun?
No, sir. You see, sir,
we were just out testing the tank and...
For what, a hayride?
I might've known it was you.
Im terribly sorry about the car,
sir. I hope you haven't kept up the payments.
If there's anything I can do?
There's something
you can do, all right.
Every time I look,
there seems to be more and more.
I feel like I'm peeling rabbits.
We ought to make
you peel all of them.
If it wasn't for you,
we wouldn't be here.
And me tryin' to be a corporal.
Ill be lucky if they don't take
away my citizenship papers.
I hope I can square myself
with Tony.
When do you figure
on seein' her?
About the second week
in December.
Quit starin' at me, will you?
I can't understand it.
Ive been peelin' just
as fast as you fellas.
I know, but there're two of us.
Oh! That's right.
Well, that's it.
Yes, sir,
we certainly made those mountains disappear.
Hey, I can't open my hand!
Give me that.
Careful now.
Leave the wrist.
Ha! Thank you.
That's better.
But you guys had twice
as many spuds as I did.
You were shirking.
Come on, Steve.
Oh, hello, bud.
The colonel just left
for headquarters.
Ive got an important
message for his daughter.
She ain't up yet.
There's no sense wakin' her.
She's probably dreaming
about me.
Ill wait.
It's something personal.
How' bout you takin' it
on the lam for a while?
No, I gotta get my work done.
If you'll stay away
for about an hour,
Ill do your work for you.
How about it?
Well, that sounds fair enough.
I thought it would.
Right in here.
There you are.
Mmm, now I have
to pay for this.
Oh, it's not that bad.
It's really very simple.
All you have to do is pick up
the potato and hold it like this.
Skip it, bud. You're looking
at the original boy from Idaho.
Ive been around potatoes
since they were that high.
Here, just fit it
right into the grooves.
Ah, it's back home.
pal. See you in about an hour. Good luck!
Good luck!
Ye gods!
Doesn't anybody ever eat
baked potatoes?
You look old enough
to undress yourself.
Who is it?
The colonel's orderly. I
gotta get in there right away!
What for?
Just a minute.
Come in.
You're not supposed to be...
What are you doing here?
Get out!
I told you,
I'm the colonel's orderly for the day.
Ive gotta make up the bed,
don't I?
I suppose I've got to get up.
It's gonna look awfully lumpy if
you don't... But awfully nice lumps.
Does the colonel know
you're his orderly today?
Yes, I explained everything.
I think I'll telephone
just to make sure.
You're the most suspicious...
And you're the most scheming,
unreliable, lying...
All right!
So I bumped into your car!
Did you ever try driving with
a French heel in your ear?
how about that? What was that girl doing in there?
She wasn't my guest. She
was in the apartment upstairs.
I suppose you were
showing off for her.
It's about time you forgot you were
a movie star and tried to be a soldier.
What's that?
It's only Dad. You said
he knows you're his orderly.
Tony, are you there?
Yes, Dad.
What is it?
Get that potato
out of your room.
Don't let him in. I can see
those 10 men taking aim now.
Come in, Dad.
I thought you had
some rabbit in here.
Now, don't go flying
off the handle.
Private Bolton is here
at my invitation.
Yes, sir, we were just
having a little chat.
Young man, Ive been very lenient with you,
not because I like you,
but because I don't want
my personal feelings
to influence
my sense of fairness.
Ive leaned over backwards so that
you won't think you're being persecuted.
Thank you, sir.
Dad, you know Ive never tried
to interfere in your military matters,
but Don has really
been running in bad luck.
Bad luck or not,
if he gets into one more jam,
he'll be in the guardhouse so long,
Roosevelt will be out ahead of him.
For life, huh?
And he calls himself fair!
Cease firing.
Next order on the line.
Come on, snap it up.
Come on, get it up!
Get it up!
Fire at will!
Get up here.
Get it up on your shoulder.
Come on, get it up.
Stand still.
This is worse
than the 4th of July.
Come on, come on,
get it up there.
Get it up!
Get it up!
What happened?
Can't you tell me?
I can give you
a toenail description.
What do you mean,
a toenail description?
I shot my captain's toe off.
Oh, Don, I don't know what
I'm going to do with you.
I know! Marry me.
I know you can do better.
After all, I'm no bargain.
Are you really serious
about marrying me?
No ifs?
No buts?
No fooling?
Nothing up your sleeve?
Nothing but my right arm,
and Id cut it off for you.
Honest, Tony,
Im leveling this time.
I believe you, Don.
What does a soldier do
to get married?
Well, first he has to get his
commanding officer's approval.
Oh, no!
Oh, yes.
You're just a rookie,
you know. Im no rookie at this.
You'll never get to be
a corporal doing this.
Just wait till maneuvers
are over. But I found a way.
What do you mean? Well,
Dad is organizing a new unit.
And Ive interceded for you.
Oh, great!
He's going to put you
with the parachute jumpers.
Parachute jumpers?
What was the matter up there?
I wanted to jump. I won't
be disgraced this way.
I wanted to jump,
but he wouldn't let me.
He didn't give me time.
He landed too soon.
You blooming idiot! You
didn't have any parachute!
No parachute.
Roll out or you're gonna miss retreat,
glamour boy.
You'll never make it
like that, Don.
Why don't you do
what I do? What's that?
There's plenty of time
to dress after retreat.
Oh, boy!
Now you're talking!
Boy, that's really streamlined.
Present, arms!
Inspection, arms!
Order, arms!
The following men will report
to the orderly's tent immediately
for special guard duty.
Corporal Sheve, Private Thompson,
Fowler and Bolton.
Company dismissed.
Oh, Sergeant?
Have I got time to go back
to my tent for a few minutes?
No! You're gonna be on guard
duty at the hospital till midnight,
now get going!
Oh, but, Sergeant!
Get going!
Gee, Don,
looks like you're stuck.
And in my underwear,
thanks to you.
Ill be in a fine mess if I get caught,
and besides, I'm cold.
Why don't you beat your arms
together? That's not where Im cold.
Hey, Bolton!
Coming, Corporal.
Hey, look, don't worry Ill get
your uniform and bring it out to you.
And slip a hot water bottle
in the pants.
Right shoulder, arms!
Forward, march!
Still expect to get stripes
on that sleeve?
Yes, sir.
Ill make it.
Hmm, it'll be a big
surprise to me.
I don't think you'll ever
be a soldier, Bolton.
Now, Dad, that's unfair.
He certainly looks
like a soldier.
Anybody would with that on.
It's what's underneath
that counts,
and you haven't shown very much.
No, sir. Yes, sir. I mean,
Ill have something soon.
Come on, Tony.
Don't stop to chat
with a man on duty.
Be right with you, Dad.
Don, I want to warn
you about Dad.
You know what he said? Just one
more slip and he's gonna transfer you
to another camp,
like the Philippines or Alaska or somewhere.
He can't do that! Oh,
yes, he can and he will.
And you know what that means
as far as you and I are concerned.
So, please, be careful.
Okay so far, huh?
Yeah, but Ill have to take my
coat off when I eat with the guard.
How about you walk and post for me,
Steve, while I put my uniform on?
No, no, not me.
I got a date with Margie.
A fine couple of pals!
They catch you deserting your post,
you'll get life and so will we.
Ill get worse if they
catch me in my underwear.
Oh, come on, it'll only
take a couple of minutes!
Hello, there!
I got a pass so we can stay out late tonight. Oh,
that's fine.
Well, I guess I'll be running along. Yeah,
me too.
Sure, go ahead, walk out on me.
What's he all hit up about?
He ain't got no pants on.
They're here.
Well, come with me. Ill show
you where you can put them on.
Okay. Ill
take a chance.
Ill be back in a flash.
Come on.
Here you are. You'd forget your
head if it wasn't on your shoulders.
You'll be safe in there
for a few minutes.
we'll stay here and watch. Okay.
You go back to the
other ward. Ill be right out.
Psst, psst! Hey!
You dressed in a hurry.
Never mind.
Do you know where
the laundry is?
This is no time to stop
and wash your underwear.
A maid came in and took my
clothes away in the laundry bin.
You've gotta get them
back for me.
Ill go down to the laundry
and see if I can find them.
Steve, you help me look.
Don't go away now.
That's what you think!
All night long he kept
yelling for sponge baths.
You should've seen the tattooed
pictures he had all over him,
and very interesting too.
Shut that window, Mary,
it's kind of chilly.
Let's leave it open,
we need some air.
Then push that
screen in front of it.
Oh, I have to
work Saturday night.
What's the difference?
You wouldn't have any fun anyway.
Look, everybody.
Do you think Im getting fat?
Will somebody
please shut that window?
Here you are.
That'll fix you up.
Im all out, but
there's plenty left.
Ill be back in just
a minute, soldier.
She ain't giving me
no castor oil.
You naughty boy,
trying to deceive your nanny.
Thanks, buddy.
Oh, it's nothing at all.
Hey, go on, scram, will you?
You better
come along too, Mary.
You go that way
and Ill go this way.
Margie? Margie!
Where have you been? Looking for
you. Where do you think Ive been?
Well, let's not argue,
have you got everything? Of course I have.
Here's your overcoat, and here's your coat,
pants and...
Shut that door.
I suppose you have an
explanation for this too.
Oh, stop being ridiculous.
I went on guard duty tonight without my uniform,
I didn't have time to change.
You gotta believe me,
Tony, it's the truth.
That's right, miss, I was
just trying to help him.
Of course, I believe you,
but you've got to get back to your post quick.
You'll never get out of this
mess if they ever catch you.
Come on, we'll find a room
where you can dress.
Oh, Tony?
Im sunk.
You, Bolton.
Run, quick.
Stop, come back here.
Ill have you shot for this.
What's the matter with you, Dad?
That isn't Don Bolton.
That was one of the patients,
an old friend of mine.
I know Bolton when I see him.
I'm tired of his shenanigans.
He's gone too far this time. Aw,
but, Dad!
It's from your wife.
She's going to the hospital
any day now to have that baby.
That's great.
Gee, I hope it's a boy.
And here's our last,
brave little man. Oh!
Open your mouth. Come on
now or Ill call the nasty doctor.
And you know
what he'll do to you.
I wish I was dead.
I understand perfectly.
You're trying to protect him,
that's what you're doing.
Now, listen, Dad.
And I won't stand for it!
Dad, you're being ridiculous. You
saw him walking his post out in front.
Yes, I did, and we'll go right
back and see if he's still there.
If he isn't, heaven help him!
Of course he's still there.
Now, Dad,
you can be awfully aggravating at times.
It's simple enough to prove who's right,
come on.
Wait a minute.
Are you all through here?
Yes, of course.
Well, what did the doctor
say about your liver?
It's lovely!
Will you come on?
You've got to head him off. Okay,
Colonel Fairbanks?
Yes, yes, what is it?
Major Balsom presents
his respects, sir,
and the kurtiflies the branf of the
battalion sturten. It's very urgent, sir.
What? The major's
frowdelguns are strudeling,
all over the parade grounds and
the battlefrumps cannot march.
I can't understand
a word you're saying.
He says that the major's
scruttleesnith and the squads
are fittlestepping
all over the sergeant.
Aw, put it in writing.
Oh, now, Dad, wait a minute.
Hey, Bert, Ill be right down.
Feel all right, Bolton?
Just fair, sir.
You look a bit under the weather.
I know just the thing to fix you up.
Ill have the doctor give
you a good dose of castor oil.
Don't get excited.
It's only a mock battle.
Don't forget to stuff your ears. No,
I won't stuff my ears.
This is my chance to prove to Tony that
Im as good a soldier as the rest of you.
But I wish it were over.
Yes, Sergeant?
What's the matter? You
look like you was dying.
Ill be all right, Sergeant. Im a little
nervous about the shooting, you know.
I know. I'm a little
worried about you, too.
I think I'd better put you
where you'll be safe.
Oh, no, Sergeant, don't do that.
I can see it through,
I've gotta see it through.
Ill tell you what to do.
You see that hill
way over there?
I want you to stay there
till the sun goes down.
They tell me the view
is simply breathtaking!
But the blue army's
coming from that direction!
Shh, shh.
That'll be our little secret.
Now, listen, Sergeant,
I wanna stay right here!
You'll go where I tell you to. Give him a break,
Let him stay, will you?
Im taking no chances on him gumming up the work.
Now, go on, get going.
Aw, that ain't fair.
It's a dirty shame.
Yeah? Well, just for that,
you two can go with him.
Go on.
It's an order!
We're far enough behind
the lines to be generals.
I had an uncle who was
a hero in the last war.
Broke up a gas attack
How? With bicarbonate
of soda?
What's that shooting? Must be
some other outfit having maneuvers.
Okay, boys, I fixed it.
You fixed what?
Where have you been?
You know where them five
roads meets back there? Yeah.
That's the way the blue army's
coming up to engage our outfit.
They're coming, all right,
but they'll never engage nobody.
I switched the road
signs. You did what?
What'd you say? If they follow the signs,
they'll be going that way.
you see? They'll get lost.
And the colonel will win
today's battle without firing a shot.
And who'll be the heroes?
The three musketeers!
Are you kidding?
Oh, I can't believe it.
That ought to fix you up
good with Tony and the colonel.
Id like to see that sergeant
keep me out of the next battle.
You know, fellas, Ive been
feeling a lot braver lately.
Oh, boy,
let's celebrate!
We'll all have a drink.
Draw one for me.
Make mine milk.
Let her run till it
gets nice and cold.
Put an egg in mine.
Hey, I can't get
anything out of this.
Well, try another station.
Hey, look who's coming.
It's Tony! The sergeant probably
told her where I am and why.
Oh, wait till she
hears the good news.
Hiya, honey, glad you came.
We need a fourth for bridge.
Don, you shouldn't have
walked out on this battle today.
I didn't walk out,
the sergeant put me out.
I don't believe you. I think you
crawled out because you're scared.
All right, if that's
the way you feel about it.
Listen, Tony,
you're all wrong about Don.
He really wanted to be
in that battle today.
But there ain't gonna
be any battle.
What do you mean?
The blue army's going this
way instead of that way.
Napoleon here switched
the road signs.
I did it for Josephine and
the little kiddies. Not bad, huh?
Wait a minute,
which way did you switch those signs?
I switched them so they'd
be going through there.
There they are now.
- Where?
- Way over there.
Don, come here!
Come here, quick.
Those troops, they're moving
into the artillery target range, look!
Where's the target range?
Right over there. Look!
We've got
to head them off!
Can't they see
the shells bursting?
No, the woods are in the way.
By the time they see them,
it'll be too late. But they can hear.
They'll think it's Dad's
army firing blanks. Come on!
Get your helmets.
How do you like this? We
have to send for another army!
The colonel's kind of
early with his gunfire. Yeah.
I can't imagine
what he's shooting at.
Which way do we turn?
Wait a minute.
Don, we can't turn,
somebody's gotta go through the target field.
It's the only way to head them
off in time. You can take my horse.
Are you crazy? We might
be killed!
I haven't time to argue
with you. Are you going?
Maybe we could telephone
the artillery gunners.
Or maybe write them a letter!
You better not go,
Tony. Oh, Tony, please!
You better stay here. Tony,
stop! Wait a minute.
Come on, Bert.
Tony? Tony?
Don't go in there.
Come back.
Whoa, boy, whoa.
Get out of the way!
Im not gonna let you do that. Try and stop me,
you coward.
Just a minute. Ill go
myself. I don't believe you.
This is the first time I ever socked
a lady except in self-defense. Sorry.
Take her out of here, Bert.
You stay here with Tony.
Nothing doing, I own 10% of you,
and I'm gonna protect it.
Okay, if you can ride
on 10% of the horse.
Im very happy with five.
What's the idea? He's more
important to this trip than you are.
What happened? A beautiful
right cross to the button.
Don! Where is he?
Now take it easy,
you're not going anyplace.
ls Don trying to
go through? Yeah.
I knew he had the stuff in
him. I knew he wasn't a coward.
Here, let me see.
They've been hit.
Hey, is the horse under you?
I thought he was on top of me.
They're moving.
They're up again!
They're down again.
I don't see them.
Don? Don!
Where are you?
Don, get up.
You gotta get up!
Don, can you hear me?
Can you hear me, Don?
Where are you?
Oh, it's you.
I come out once a year.
Hey, look!
- Vultures!
- Vultures?
They must know something.
the Red Cross will have two less sweaters to knit.
Come on,
hurry! Don't rush me. Heaven can wait.
They're almost there!
Yippee! They're gonna make it!
Yippee! Oh,
they're gonna make it!
You're on the wrong road.
Hey, look!
you two. You're captured. You're prisoners.
Stop the advance. You can't go
through there. It's real shellfire.
What are you trying to pull?
It's the artillery target range.
I tell you,
you can't go through. You gotta believe me!
Take him back to the line.
But somebody'll get killed.
You can't go!
Come back here.
You're on the wrong road.
You can't go through
That's the artillery
target range. What is this?
Oh, he's crazy. No,
it's the truth, I tell you!
Let go!
You're wounded.
I guess he is telling
the truth. Blood.
Who cares
about blood? I...
Corporal, come here.
Private Bolton, Riggs and Sparks,
front and center.
On the recommendation
of your company commander,
you've been appointed corporals,
and will be respected
and obeyed accordingly,
by order of Colonel Fairbanks.
Nice work, Corporal.
Ive recommended you
three men for a citation.
Thank you, sir,
and for the promotion.
Ive promoted something
else for you too. Really?
Go on,
she's waiting for you right now. You're excused.
Oh, thank you, sir!
By virtue of my authority
as justice of the peace,
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
Two dollars, please.
Yes, sir.
Pay the man!