Cedric the Entertainer: Live from the Ville (2016) Movie Script

[slow jazz music playing]
[Ice Cube] He one of the OGs,
one of the all-time greats.
He can make you laugh with a look.
[Jimmie Walker]
He is a legend in the stand-up game.
[Chris Rock] Yes.
[Jerry Seinfeld] He's so good.
He's completely unique. I love the guy.
[Rock] The hardest gig I ever did
was following Cedric the Entertainer
on New Year's Eve in Oakland.
[Ice Cube]
Talented, gifted, naturally funny.
[Rock] As good as it gets.
[whistle blows]
[band playing]
[Announcer] Give it up
for the Tennessee State marching band!
[audience cheering]
Give it up for Ced, Cedric
- Give it up for Ced
- Cedric
Give it up for Ced, Cedric
The Entertainer
- Ced, Cedric
- Give it up for Ced, Cedric
Give it up for Ced, Cedric
- Give it up for Ced
- The Entertainer
- Ced, Cedric
- Give it up for Ced
- Cedric
- Give it up for Ced
- Cedric
- The Entertainer
- [trumpets blasting]
- [whistle blows]
[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Cedric the Entertainer!
- [audience cheering]
- [woman shouting]
[cheering continues]
- [cheering continues]
- [audience whooping]
What up, y'all?
[cheering continues]
Yeah, man.
Hey, how y'all doing?
I feel y'all. Go and have a seat.
How y'all doing, man?
Y'all gotta give up for that TSU band.
Let 'em hear it.
[audience cheering, whooping]
- That shit wore me out.
- [audience laughing]
I only did the last two minutes
of the dance.
- I'm-a-be like this.
- [audience laughing]
They let you know, boy.
Gotta get in shape, man.
Try to do it. I'm gonna be breathing,
with an "F."
I had a "bref," my "bref" was...
- Oh, my "bref."
- [audience laughing]
Man, I see y'all too, looking good.
What up?
[audience cheering, whistling]
Laid up in here too, I saw.
Player with all white on, I see you, pimp.
You know it.
Any of you know how
to eat barbecue like this?
[audience laughing]
Tell your mama Rufus stopped by.
Look at this, man.
It's good.
I was joking about getting in shape,
but that shit is real. You gotta do that.
That's the latest thing.
Everybody gotta lose weight.
I got all the equipment at my house.
I don't do none of it.
I got everything you can order
on the infomercial.
I got so much equipment,
my neighbors come and work out.
I got my own... sell my own
gym membership. "Y'all come in."
There's some towels, cucumber water.
Go on, enjoy yourself, John.
"I ain't using none of that shit.
Go on in."
Gotta try to do it. I had to do something.
I'm walking down the street.
This lady sees me, a little white lady.
She got a little daughter.
She sees me. "Oh, my God."
I can't believe it's you.
Can we take a picture?" "Of course!"
She talking about,
"Thank you, CeeLo!"
[audience laughing]
Uh, bitch...
Fuck you!
And little girl...
Fuck you too!
I ain't no goddamn CeeLo.
I walked right into a cycling class,
[chuckles] Shit, man.
I gotta do something.
Everybody losin' weight in Hollywood.
All my partners. Ain't nobody call me
and tell me nothing.
I'm like the last fat brother
in Hollywood.
Anthony Anderson lost weight.
He ain't called me to tell me.
Rick Ross lost weight.
The Boss, he's... [grunts forcefully]
He all skinny as hell, like, "Eh."
Al Roker, Al Sharpton.
You know, Al Sharpton lost too much
goddamn weight though.
Al Sharpton lost neck weight.
His head look like a damn bobblehead.
Like Al, you can't lose neck weight.
You can't have no perm
and no little-ass neck like that.
That combination don't go together, Al,
is what I'm trying to say.
Come out here feeling good, man.
Lookin' good. Everybody all spiffy.
- [woman] Whoo!
- I like that.
I like to get G'd up. We from that...
- We from that generation.
- [Audience] Yeah!
I notice how the new kids
are dressing.
They ain't really give
a shit about clothes no more.
They don't really give a shit.
Especially boys.
The thing is, I ain't trying to say
they style is...
It's for their generation, don't get me
wrong, but it's a little asexual.
All the little long-ass T-shirts
niggas is wearing now.
One little boy, his shirt was so long,
he had a train on the back.
I'm like, "Where's the reception,
motherfucker? Shit."
I think it started with skinny jeans.
- [audience agreeing]
- You know what I mean.
The jegging kind,
the real super-skinny ones.
I ain't trying to say skinny jeans gay.
I don't know that to be true.
What I'm sayin' is,
it's a gateway apparel.
[audience laughing]
It leads to other gay articles
of clothing is what I'm saying.
'Cause there ain't no time should a dude
ever be putting their jeans on like this.
Sagging. That shit went too far.
I used to get sagging.
When it first came out, I understood it,
because that's when new
designer underwear came on the scene.
So you want to let somebody know
that he Tommy Hilfiger, that he Gucci.
"Look, these ain't no regular
Fruit of the Looms is what I got on."
I got that.
Now these dudes got they pants
all up under they ass and shit.
I saw one little boy,
didn't have his pants on.
That nigga had his shit on his shoulders.
"It's that new, Ced.
We don't even wear our shit no more, man.
We just carry it with us in case
we gotta run in somewhere, man."
It's a trip, man.
They music has changed too, boy.
That young music.
I like rap, all kinds of rap,
but rap got so aggressive now, man.
Like when we came up,
it used to be sexual innuendo.
They might be talkin' about something.
You had to figure it out. "Oh, okay."
Y'all heard "Down in the DM"?
They ain't got time for that shit.
It go down in the DM, it go down
It go down in the DM, it go down
Snapchat me that pussy
Oh, whoa! Whoa!
Ooh, Jesus.
Or FaceTime me that pussy if it's cool
What did they...
On the record?
That's on the radio right now.
When I first heard it,
I ain't know what Snapchat was.
I thought he said,
"Snatch at me that pussy."
I said that is pretty aggressive
with all this Bill Cosby stuff
goin' on right now.
"I don't think you wanna be snatching
at nobody's pussy like that now."
They were like, "No, Ced, it's Snapchat.
It's Snapchat."
That's an app.
I don't know if y'all know this.
That's a little app.
It's what all the kids on right now.
And you can take a picture
of your pussy, now, okay?
And you can put it up on the Internet,
and it will disappear like a snowflake.
Okay? It will be gone.
So whenever you bored and you just
feel like doin' something...
Snapchat your pussy on out there!
Snapchat your pussy. All the way.
It's fine. I ain't know what it was.
Soon as I heard you can do that shit,
I downloaded that app immediately.
I would be ridin' around in my car,
lookin' at the app now and then.
Ain't nobody Snapchat on mine.
I ain't got no...
I don't know how this work.
Don't nobody put none on mine.
"Snapchat me that pussy."
All they little songs. I like all rap.
Fetty Wap. That's another rapper
had a big hit. Fetty Wap.
Big rapper. Y'all know Fetty Wap.
That's the rapper with one eye.
Fetty Wap had a little accident
earlier in the year
where he was on a motorcycle.
And I was thinkin' to myself,
"You know what, Fetty Wap?
- "Uh..."
- [audience laughing]
"Your head got one eye."
You might not wanna be on
no goddamn motorcycle.
You gotta have your peripheral
when you on a goddamn motorcycle.
You can't turn all way left, nigga,
every time you tryin' to turn.
"Stay off goddamn motorcycles, okay?
With love."
But he dope though. I like him
'cause he got a melodic kind of rap style.
It's got melody to it, but out of nowhere,
it'll turn into some gangsta shit.
So it be a love song,
and then out of nowhere, it be a tragedy.
So it like a Fetty Wapera, if you will.
Fetty Wap be like,
Baby, won't you come my way
Tell me what you want to say
But first off
I'm gonna start by saying this: Ay
Two head shots
if you try to take my bitch
Like, whoa!
Whoa, what just happened there? You know.
That is mighty aggressive, Fetty Wap.
I just saying
she looked nice in her dress.
I don't think I deserve two shots
in the damn head for that, you know.
I don't think the crime
fits the punishment.
Even the girls are aggressive.
I heard the most aggressive language
I've heard in a record this year came
from a little girl. I'm riding
in the car with my 12-year-old daughter.
She's singing along.
All of a sudden, this girl say the most
craziest shit I ever heard in a song.
She like, You gotta eat
the booty like groceries Now wait.
What? Ooh, Lord,
where's Yolanda Adams when you need her?
"You gotta eat the booty like groceries"?
Don't get me wrong, I'm over 40,
so I'm willing to participate
is what I'm saying...
I just need to know how much groceries
we talkin' about right now.
Is it ten items or less or...
Or are we talking Costco's,
now, 'cause I think...
Somebody yell up here,
"Come on, help me with the groceries!"
That's too much goddamn groceries.
I can't...
I can't eat that much groceries.
All these little songs, man.
They got songs that be making dudes...
Gotta get your manhood together.
Like Rihanna little song. I turn that off
every time it come on. I can't listen.
'Cause it make you do some bullshit.
You a grown man. You came here.
Let me see you work, work,
work, work, work
Why the fuck am I doin' this right now?
Rihanna always got songs like that.
She always tripping.
'Cause her other song last year
was a scary song to me.
Shine bright like a diamond
Shine bright like a diamond
I'm like, "Is she a little witch?
What the hell is she doing?"
Scary-ass little song.
Shine bright like a diamond
I ain't like that song.
That song scares me.
I live out in the mountains.
I came home one night
and our lights was off at the house.
Right when I was parking to go in,
that song came on.
Shine bright like a diamond
I think I'll stay in the car till morning.
I was like, "Unh-unh."
No, this how a motherfucker get killed.
I ain't ready to get out the damn car."
Scary-ass song.
Beyonc, she another one.
She's been killing the game.
- Everybody know the Lemonade shit.
- [women in audience shouting]
Look at the ladies, ladies get it.
Dudes like, "I don't get it."
Lemonade got too much tea in it for me.
She telling too much
of her goddamn business.
Thing is, you know,
she's just dope like that though.
Beyonc, she kinda got like songs
that's always empowerment.
She do make people mad
one way or the other.
She made me mad when she had
that song about the elevator,
when she talking about Jay Z
and Solange fighting on the elevator.
I was mad 'cause she was goin' all off
about the elevator shit.
When I think about it, it's been a couple
of hard years for elevators in general.
I just don't trust elevators
the way I used to.
You remember, the whole Ray Rice shit...
That happened on the elevator.
Then Beyonc and Solange, they was
lookin' for Jay Z on the elevator.
And I was checkin' into the hotel today,
the manager asks me, "We got you
in the best room on the top floor."
I said, "Oh, no."
No, no. What y'all got by the gift shop,
my nigga? I ain't trying...
I ain't tryin' to go up
no goddamn elevator.
I already know
"what happens in elevators,
and I ain't goin' up on one."
Beyonc cool. She dope with it though.
That's the thing about it.
She be writing all these women
empowerment songs that be so beautiful.
She talented, she sexy,
she good to look at.
That's why she confuse dudes,
'cause we like lookin' at her,
but then her songs be dope,
and they be good songs.
You be, "Man, we ain't supposed to be
singing this part."
But she will have you out there, you know?
Like now, if I went...
We be all night
[audience singing response]
There better not be one dude
in this motherfucker talkin' about...
Nigga, that ain't your part, player.
You cannot... [repeating vocalization]
You gotta wait on Jay Z
like everybody else.
I do think up this shit,
if I do say so myself
That's us. That's where we come in.
We cannot... [repeating vocalization]
The trip is that nowadays, certain shit
be gay, we didn't even know it.
You be, "That's gay now?" "Yeah,
that's gay. You can't do that no more."
Little shit like, dudes, you can't be
talkin' to another dude on the phone
and hung up talkin' about "bye-bye."
[audience laughing]
That's gay, man.
We can't say "bye-bye"
to another dude, dawg.
Trip, man. Being a father...
And I was talkin' about all the young kids
with their communicating right there.
'Cause I've been married 16 years, man.
I been trying. My wife still be tryin'
to keep a hot thing, yeah.
My baby, she a good babe too.
We be tryin' to keep the shit fresh.
So I be tryin' to do the Snapchat,
and the keep it sexy, you know.
I tried sexting,
that's what I tried to do.
I want sex. I'm on my way home one day.
"Hey, girl. Daddy 'bout to pull up."
"I might wanna dot, dot, dot, dot, dot."
You know? [giggles]
She go text me back, "Pick up some bread."
[audience laughing]
You know what?
You ain't put no water splash emoji
on there or nothing.
Just "get some goddamn bread." Really?
Trying, man.
We trying to raise these kids.
We got all the generations.
I got three kids.
I got one kid, 26.
She was in college a couple years.
She fuck around.
Fuck around. You know.
Bullshit. You in college. Bullshit.
C's, D's. She wasn't serious.
Because she my daughter,
she expect to ball though.
She wanna ball out.
She gonna hit me up the other day,
"Daddy, would you buy me the new Camaro?"
I'm like, "What?" "Yeah, I want you
to get me the new Camaro."
"The new Camaro? You know, that's
more like A-student shit right there."
You more like used Hyundai
or something like that,
the area you in.
What I supposed to put on
my bumper sticker?
"My daughter doin' a'ight, nigga."
"CSU? Nigga, no."
Get you one of them hoverboards,
you can go to the club in one of them.
"Pull up, goddamn."
My son, 15.
Now he on the swim team.
You know, the swim... They be getting you
into different kind of shape.
All of a sudden, my son out of nowhere
got all shoulders and chest.
He walkin' in the house one day.
"What up, Dad?"
I say, "Oh, no, you wanna put all that
shit up when you walk in the house."
Put them shoulders in the closet,
put your chest in the drawer."
I ain't gonna have all this walk around
my goddamn house.
Little bitty scrawny ass
motherfucker walk around.
"What up, Dad?"
"No, nigga, put all that up right now.
Hang those shoulders on a hanger
and put 'em in the closet."
See, he 15, you know, now,
he try to start dating a little bit.
The thing about my son,
he like the little mix girls.
He like the girls half black, half white.
Little curly hair, that's his thing.
He gonna go out on a date,
he tell me take them to the movies.
I'm like, "Cool."
He hopped in the backseat with her.
I'm like...
"When the hell I turn into
a Uber driver, goddamn?"
I'm Ced the damn Entertainer.
Somebody better get up here with me.
"I ain't get ready to be driving
y'all like that now, shit."
She a cute little mixed girl.
They come back to the house.
She like, "Let's go to your room
and close the door." I'm like, "Oh, whoa."
I say, "Son, that's the white 15
right there that's talking."
You don't get to do that 'round here.
"You don't get to close damn doors
and shit, no."
She's like, "You tell Cedric it's your
room. You can do that if you want to."
I'm like...
"Tell Cedric"?
"Bitch, when you say my name,
put some respect on that shit."
[audience cheering]
"Put some respect on it."
I ain't gonna say it no more.
"Now, is we finished or is we done?"
Okay. I'll trill y'all, shit.
Put some respect on my shit.
"Tell Cedric." What?
The truth is they are your little kids.
And they yours, you been raising them,
but you realize your kids do things
you do that you didn't really think
you taught them,
but you gotta deal with it now.
Like the other day, they called me up
to my son's school,
told me my little boy
was up there cussing.
I said, "What?"
They're like, "Yeah,
he here cussing in the school."
I'm like, "My little boy?"
They like, "Yeah."
I say, "Oh, no, you know.
What did he say?"
They were like, "He said, 'Shit, damn.'"
I'm like, "'Shit, damn'? In that order?"
They say, "Yeah." I say, "Oh, no.
That means the little white kids
are influencing my son, you know.
I mean, hey, he say 'motherfucker'
or 'Fuck that shit, dawg'
or 'We 'bout to blow this bitch up.'
Or something like that,
I would have taken responsibility.
Everybody know that 'Shit, damn'
is not a part of our culture, okay?
"So... thank you so much, okay?"
I'm gonna hop right on top of that.
I don't want my son growing up
being no dyslexic cusser like that.
"Shit, damn."
So I'm walkin' him to the car,
mad about the wrong thing.
I'm walking him to the car. "'Shit, damn.'"
Really? 'Shit, damn.'
I'm one of the original Kings of Comedy
and you up in here talkin' 'bout
some 'shit, damn, damn.'
Get your ass in the car!
"You know how to cuss."
So you can see where my parenting skills
are off a little bit. You can understand.
"Shit, damn."
Shit is embarrassing.
My little daughter, she 12.
She real intelligent though.
She be asking you questions
you can't answer.
We had people over. I'm there.
We doin' grown-up shit.
We got a little wine goin'.
We in the kitchen laughing, talking.
Got company. She gonna walk in.
"Daddy, do animals commit suicide?"
Come on, don't do me like that.
You see these damn people over here.
Don't be asking me shit like that.
I ain't thought of that before.
Do animals commit suicide? Google it.
Shit. Google the shit. I don't know.
"Maybe. Maybe, you know."
You ever thought about it? Maybe though.
You ever see a possum dead
on the side of the road?
You ever think that maybe that possum
just was... tired of being a possum?
Nigga just... hanging out with the other
possums, like, "You know what?"
"I don't even give a fuck no more, dawg."
[audience laughing]
The other possum like,
"Don't walk out on the street, Daryl."
"You can't tell me what to do, Wayne."
I mean, I'm ugly.
Don't nobody like us.
"Fuck it."
[imitates horn honking, body thudding]
It got ran over by a Crown Vic on 26th,
this nigga.
Possums standing over him.
"He deader than a motherfucker."
They all like,
How do I
Say good-bye?
"Oh, that dawg, man. We loved Daryl."
Give your kids a goldfish. Have it
in that little tank on the dresser.
Leave for two days. Come back.
Goldfish on the dresser, dead.
That's suicide, isn't it?
That goldfish knew there wasn't
no water outside that tank.
But he swim around
that tank for two days like,
"Man, this some bullshit, man."
I'm a fish. I know I ain't supposed
to go in no circle for three damn days.
"You know, that treasure chest
ain't even got shit in it. Fuck it."
[audience laughing]
[woman cackling]
Dead. On your dresser.
Know them bugs that run into your
windshield when you driving the highway?
Them bugs know what they doing, nigga.
That's jihad.
Them bugs see your car lights. They like,
"For the love of Allah!"
Wow, last year, man. So much shit
going on. Crazy shit in the news.
I saw this shit on the news. Threw me off.
This lady, 55, just had a baby.
I was like, "Damn. That's pretty late
be havin' a damn baby."
But don't get me wrong, if you 55
and wanna have a baby,
go on ahead, have a damn baby.
I just find it rude and inconsiderate,
You gotta think about this. You 55.
That means she already
got kids that got kids.
When they go visit grandmama,
they gotta deal with
their little aunt or uncle.
You gotta be thinkin' about it.
That gotta be fucked up. You eight, nine.
You go to your grandmama's house
to go play...
Here come this little motherfucker,
"Hey, unh-unh, whoa, whoa!"
Where you think you goin'?
No, pick me up, take me upstairs
and change my diaper.
Then you can go outside. I'm sorry, what?
I'm your little uncle,
that's who I am, goddamn it, shit.
Put that on Disney Channel,
put something in my sippy cup,
then you can go outside,
but other than that... come again?
I'm your little uncle,
that's who I am, motherfucker.
Your mama's my sister.
Respect the hierarchy around here, shit.
"Don't give a damn how old I am."
Fucking little-ass uncle.
What a trip, man.
Saw this shit too. I saw Lamar Odom...
God bless Lamar Odom.
I'm glad I saw him. He doin' a'ight,
but that was a little scary.
The scary thing... it let me know
I'd been out the game for a long time.
Scary thing, I was glad he was all right,
but when shit hit the news,
told me he had spent $75,000
for two chicks,
I was like, "Ooh! When I was..."
I kinda... I kinda been out of the game
for a while.
This nigga seemed to raise the Blue Book
on these bitches right here.
Nigga, that's...
"That's pretty expensive."
As soon as he did that, at your local
strip club, all the girls went up.
They heard them girls got 35,000 a piece.
They was like, "Unh-unh, table dances..."
Table dances is $80, Latrell."
[audience laughing]
That my black stripper dance right here.
[audience laughing]
[audience laughing continues]
You be, "Hey, baby, let me get a piece
of gum." "I ain't chewing no gum."
"Wait. You not chewing gum right now?"
"No, motherfucker...
This how you do the dance, nigga."
"So you sayin' you not chewing gum
right now."
"No, motherfucker, I'm in my job.
Do you chew gum at your job?"
[audience laughing]
All I know is that shit make me want
some gum like a motherfucker.
That's the difference too.
'Cause you go down South,
they got that shake-a-booty style.
I live in LA. They got
the more corporate strip club...
It's all about the up-top game.
There, the girl's like,
"Oh, my God, how are you?"
Yeah. Yeah.
"Yeah, you like that? You like that?"
"Uh, no, not really, baby."
Brothers, we be wanting
that goddamn bass, nigga.
You go there, you be seeing...
You come down here...
I went to Atlanta one time, saw a girl...
Her ass was so fat, I thought I had on
3-D glasses, nigga. I was, "Ooh!"
Ooh, I gotta take these off!
That's too close.
"Ooh, that's givin' me a headache.
Is that too close for you?"
I can't wear these.
I can't wear these and look at her.
'Cause they got that shake-a-booty style.
That style right there.
You ever notice, once you a stripper
and do the shake-a-booty style,
you can't stop doing it.
Anybody know somebody that
used to strip and don't no more?
They'll just do this shit
in regular life sometimes.
They be at the bank
about to cash their check.
You be behind them with your check like...
"You know what, give me that
in all ones, my nigga, a'ight?
I didn't know y'all was doing it
like that up in here today."
They're doing it big.
No, it's a condition.
They don't know they doing it.
It's something like stripper Tourette's.
The stripper Tourette's.
You don't know you're doing it.
You don't strip no more.
You have moved on in life.
You got your real estate license
and everything, you know.
But don't let your song happen to come on.
It's just a... You can't help it.
Even in your mind you might hear your song
and just do stripper shit.
They be about to check out
at the grocery lane
and don't even know
they doing stripper shit. Boop.
- [dance music]
- Boop.
"Excuse me. These two-for-one?
"That's what I thought. Okay." Boop. Boop.
"Twan, put that down.
You can't have that. Unh-unh."
- [dance music continues]
- "Y'all take coupons?"
Oh, good. I'm about to make it
rain in this motherfucker."
I'm-a drop it down, pick it up
Twerk this ass
Just make sure
you be throwing the cash
And make the rain come down
Rain come down
And make the rain come down
Rain come down
Little kid's like,
"Mama, what is you doing?"
Like, "Ooh, baby. Mama got to
get home and take a No-strip-itol."
I got to take...
400 milligrams of No-strip-itol.
I've got a condition.
"I need my medication."
I'm feeling good, man.
I just had a birthday.
[cheering, applauding]
Wow, man.
You get old and you don't
even realize it. You feel good.
But when you get older,
you know you getting older
'cause old shit happen to you.
Like, in your mind, you still young.
But then you be doing regular life
and some old shit happen to you,
like, "Ooh, I'm older than a mofo."
Like you be pouring cereal
and your knee go out. "Oh! Shit."
I'm gonna have to stop fucking
with these Honey Nut Cheerios, nigga...
"if that's going to happen every time."
Dude, we got one little move
that we know we old.
When we can't just step
into the car no more.
You know your ass old
when you leave like this.
"All right, I'm gonna holler at y'all."
"Tell you mama Roosevelt came by here."
Your ass old, nigga.
I know I'm old
'cause I got old-ass friends.
It ain't got shit to do with me.
I feel good, but my friends be old
and doing old shit.
I'm like, "Damn.
I'm one of y'all, ain't I?"
Idiots in the club arguing over
blood pressure medicine and shit.
"Would you stop talking about
your damn prescriptions in the club?"
We at a club, my boy taking
his pills, girl walk up to him,
"Is that a Molly? Can I get one?"
I'm like, "Girl, you better not
take that shit right there."
Your goddamn glucose level's
gonna go up so high. Don't. No.
No. Don't.
"Don't take that shit he on, baby."
My boy, he's trying to be hip.
He trying to be on social media.
His old ass.
Talking about "Follow me @Willy Earl."
Man, ain't nobody gonna follow
nobody named Mr. Willy Earl
on goddamn Instagram.
Goddamn. Mr. Willy Earl.
He in the club
with some damn shape-ups on.
So every time he stop, he just
rocking for no reason, nigga.
"Man, there's a few of them
in here tonight, ain't it?"
"Nigga, if you don't stop
all that damn rocking."
"I can't help it.
It's the shoes, you know.
Joe Montana wear these right here."
He's 60-something.
He won't tell us how old he is.
He had downloaded his damn...
He got an iPhone 6 and downloaded
his music on there for ringtones.
I'm like, "Willy Earl",
come on, man, don't put those
old-ass records on there, man."
A ringtone for young people, man.
You ain't supposed to...
When your phone rings, it supposed
to be some cool shit come on.
Fuck up some commas
Fuck up some commas, yeah
Sure enough, we in a club,
this motherfucker's phone rings.
Sit yourself down, girl,
and talk to me
Let's straighten it out
Like, "Nigga, is that Latimore
on your damn phone?"
I ain't know you could download
Latimore, man."
He gonna answer his phone,
"Hello. This is Willy Earl."
Yes. Where did you find me?
"On WillyEarl.com? Okay, thank you."
Oh, damn old ass.
Like I say, he's 60-something, man,
but he got a girlfriend like 28, 29.
[audience cheering]
He be bragging too, like,
"Hey, boy, hey." [chuckles]
"Hey, boy, I'm still out there
in the game, boy, you know?"
I'm picking 'em up
and I'm putting 'em down.
I get it like I live. You know?
"I told the bitch 'If I got four quarters,
I couldn't call it.' You know?"
He trying to keep up
with that young-ass girl.
He got a pocketful of Viagras
and Cialis and Levitras.
Nigga just eating them all day
like they sunflower seeds.
"I'll stay ready so I ain't
got to get ready." [laughs]
He be offering them to you like they
Altoids. "You want a Cialis, my nigga?"
No? All right."
I caught him one day
with a Cialis sweetheart necklace on.
"Trying to find one of my Levitras."
Got this damn election going on.
Boy. Goddamn Donald Trump, man.
He's an ignorant little motherfucker.
Like he's been eating Cheetos
and just rubbed it on his face.
I ain't never seen a tan
that goddamn orange.
This fool talking about
he gonna build a wall
to stop the Mexicans from coming in.
Come on, Donald.
Nobody gonna stop no damn
people from Mexico
with no damn wall.
We already see El Chapo.
We know they doing tunnels already.
Plus, I just was in Mexico.
They heard we were gonna build a wall.
Everybody in Mexico practicing already,
getting ready to come here.
Everybody heard we were building a wall.
They down there getting ready.
As soon as we build a wall,
everybody learning how to pole vault.
What a wall gonna be... 15-, 16-feet tall?
Them niggas on the other side
of the wall like this.
"17'2", motherfucker!"
He's on the other side like,
"Throw the stick back, homes!
Fucking Hector, you took
the stick with you, bro."
This motherfucker here.
And I don't know who be voting for him.
Anybody in here... A show of hands.
Who be voting for Donald Trump? Anybody?
Nobody ever say it.
One motherfucker. There's Trump.
There go Trump, dude.
There's got to be one.
Every time he win, it be
a thousand people voting for Trump.
And I'd be like, "Who the fuck?"
'Cause every time I see he won,
it's just surprising as like
seeing your one girl cousin
that dress like a boy,
but she show up
at the family reunion pregnant.
Everybody like, "Who the fuck
is fucking Mr. Cynthia?"
I can't figure it out. Who?
I think Hillary want to win
just so she can get Bill back.
She going to be in the Oval Office
with somebody under her desk,
nigga, like,
"I'm the captain now!
Look at me. I'm the captain now."
Everybody think they can do
what Barack did, man.
They gonna come in
and just try to do their job.
Barack did his thing, man.
- [cheering]
- Barack did his thing, man.
As the president,
if they keep fucking with him,
I don't know if he gonna make it
all the way to the end.
Barack might quit like that black lady
did on the news. Remember?
Wake up one day, go, "Fuck this shit!
I ain't going through this shit."
Just leave. I know he ain't gonna
put on no suit that last day.
That last day,
Barack ain't gonna put on no suit.
He gonna walk to that helicopter
in Jordan flip-flops
with his hat backwards,
wave cap on, nigga.
"Michelle, Sasha, Malia, y'all coming?
Oh, get some of those sheets.
I like that thread count on that shit."
I don't know why they be messing
with that man like that, man.
Barack, he the only one who really
could have been the first black president.
For real. Look around. I mean,
look at yourselves. Come on, now.
We like to fight too much.
Everybody in this room be like...
We can't have nobody say shit about us.
Barack be holding that shit in.
Every now and then,
that negro do show up though.
Black people see it.
We see it first.
We like,
"Ooh, there it is. He about to trip."
Not long ago, he was talking about
I've done all I can do with this and that.
"Right, 'cause you can't go again!"
Barack was like, "Because
I won 'em all, fuck, boy, pussy."
You got to listen to the tape slow.
You got to play it real slow.
"Fuck, boy, pussy, nigga,
I won everything.
Just saying."
Like, damn, Barack. Motherfucking thug.
I don't know why they
be talking about he soft.
Barack been taken some serious folks out.
I'm talking about Osama bin Laden, merked.
Muammar Gaddafi, merked.
All the Somalia pirates, done.
Shit. Barack got to fuck around
and get some tattoo tears, nigga, shit.
He the only president in the US history
looking like Kevin Gates over there.
I got two phones
Thug, dawg.
I like coming down South too, man.
Somebody ask me, "Why you do
your special in Nashville, Ced?"
I'm, like, "What?"
Nashville's the city, man.
- Y'all know it.
- [cheering]
Burning up all this energy right here.
All these dope colleges down here, man.
'Cause you got energy, man.
People ain't know that.
They gonna see it on this special.
They gonna see it though.
They gonna be like, "Damn!
I ain't know it be popping like that."
- Yeah, man!
- [cheering]
The city's known for country music.
That's what everybody kind of think.
It's about the country music down here.
And I like country music.
Don't get me wrong.
Some of 'em really got hot.
And it got interesting too.
Like, I'm in my room
in the hotel not too long ago...
A couple years back,
I hear a country western song
come on with hip-hop language in it.
Shit threw me off.
I'm in my room chillin'...
Y'all heard of "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk"?
This is a real goddamn song, man.
I'm in my room
and that shit goin' in, dawg.
I'm in my room chillin'.
She was a honky tonk
You don't have to knows it
She got me goin'
She got it goin' on
Like Donkey Kong
Nigga, I be in my room
line dancing like a mother.
Swear to God.
Didn't even know
I was doing the shit, dawg.
I caught myself in the mirror,
nigga, just...
That's the other thing too...
You be down South,
you get outside, like, the city limit
you get into that little country area,
you'll run into some of them
good old boys out there, man.
They be corn-fed, cock-strong
motherfucking boys.
Been lifting baby bulls since
they was six-years-old and shit.
Be strong as hell.
They daddy be like, "Trevor, go put
those baby bulls in my pickup truck."
"All right, Daddy." [imitates mooing]
Before they're six, with one arm,
throwing a bull up in a truck.
[imitates mooing]
And them mothers will fight your ass too.
That's the thing about it.
Black people, we think
just 'cause we born black
we can beat up white dudes.
In our minds, we like, "White boy,
I'll beat your motherfucking ass."
You better go on with that bullshit, boy."
You don't do that shit
in the country, man.
Trying to tell you that shit ain't
gonna go like you think at all.
That mofo be like,
"Come on, son of a bitch!"
"Let's go, bubba, let's do it, baby!"
You be like, "Everybody just need
to calm down for a second. Listen."
Listen, is it Trevor?
It's Trevor, right? Is it Trevor?
"Let me get you a beer, bro. Shit."
I ain't trying to get Bobby Boucher
down this bitch.
It's totally different than black country.
Black country is a whole 'nother
dialogue altogether.
I got some country-ass cousins...
It's fast and it's country
and it all ran together.
You don't know what the fuck
they be saying.
I got a cousin excited to see me.
Every time he see me, "Hey, coz."
Hey... [rapid babbling]."
"Hey... [rapid babbling]."
[rapid babbling continues]
"Hey... [rapid babbling]."
"Why you like... [rapid babbling].
[laughs] Goddamn it."
I'm gonna need closed captions
for your ass, nigga. I don't have...
"I have no idea what you just said,
Trip is, I'm talking to one of my cousin's
friends, he talk faster than him.
He walk up and introduce himself.
"Charles Johnson. Everybody
around here call me 'Bominicious.'"
Everybody around here call me
Bominicious. It's fine.
"You call me that. Don't even worry
about it. Everybody call me Bominicious."
"Everybody call you 'Bominicious'"?
"Yeah, everybody in the whole city
call me Bominicious. Don't worry.
You can call me that.
Don't worry about it."
"That's what everybody calls you?"
"Yeah, everybody calls me that."
So I'm like, "All right."
So all week long...
my ass talking about,
"Bominicious, what up, boy?"
"Hey, Bominicious, you gonna come
over here watch the game with us?"
"Hey, Bominicious, run to the store,
grab some beer, come on back."
My coz said, "What'd you call him?"
He said everybody called him Bominicious.
It's all right for me to call him that."
"No, man, his name is C.J."
He saying, "You can call me
by my initials." That's what he saying.
I been calling that boy
Bominicious all week.
"By my initials," is what he's saying.
This shit is embarrassing.
"Why you ain't say nothing?
You heard me call you Bominicious."
"I couldn't understand you.
I ain't know what you talking about."
"You couldn't understand me?
Okay. All right. All right.
Okay. I deserve that."
We had a little wild-ass year.
We had a wild-ass year.
Lot of little stars was getting, like,
locked up in the last couple of years.
Little Chris Brown in and out of jail.
Little Chris Brown
finally got it together.
That mofo get locked up,
get out of jail, get locked up,
threw a rock at his mama's car,
went back to jail, got locked up.
Little nigga gonna learn...
These jails ain't loyal, nigga
Wesley Snipes had to go to jail
couple of years ago.
Passenger 57 was inmate 135267.
He was locked up.
Ron Isley had to go to jail.
Even Mr. Bigg was in the big house.
I heard somebody, "Oh, Lord. Jesus!"
No, he fine, baby. He out.
She go, "Oh, Lord!"
No, he okay. He all right.
Matter of fact, he in the studio right now
doing a remix to Akon's song "Locked Up."
But doing it Ron Isley style.
So you know that shit buttery
than a motherfucker, nigga.
I'm locked up
La da da da da da da
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Locked up
Well, well, well, well, well
La da da da
I was locked up
I was locked up
"Locked Up" remix. Buttery as hell.
I been feeling good, man, you know.
Trying, you know,
to take care of yourself.
Got to take care of yourself, man.
You know, everybody all upset.
Everybody all angry.
The world is angry as hell,
for good reason.
Lot of bullshit going on out there.
Like all this year, all the violence
where police were killing kids.
I got a little boy, man.
I'm concerned about this shit.
Like police will just shoot
a little black kid.
Same motherfucker will jump
in a raging river to save a dog.
That's why every time my boy
leave the house, I'm like,
"Take the puppy with you, nigga.
That's all I know."
He's walking around with a Yorkie
on a goddamn key chain.
"I'll just take him with me."
All I know is black Labs' lives
matter, nigga. I've know that.
I had to defend my dawg
couple times in the year... Steve Harvey.
I had to come to his defense.
First, about the Miss Universe shit.
Everybody was upset about it.
I called him that night. I had to hit him
with the Menace II Society.
I'm like, "You know you fucked up, right?"
You know you fucked up?
"You fucked up. You fucked up."
But a couple of months before that,
people was mad at him
'cause he put Paula Deen on his talk show,
and everybody was mad, man.
"Ced, why your boy got Paula Deen
on the talk show?"
First of all, it's a talk show,
motherfucker. Hold on.
Somebody got to be on there talking.
Give him a minute, you know.
But I get it. I understand.
Black people, we were mad
'cause Paula Deen, you know,
real, on the low, we mad
Paula Deen said the N-word.
'Cause, on the low,
we fucks with Paula Deen.
'Cause Paula Deen cook
the way we like shit.
So it kind of hurt us when
Paula Deen said the N-word at all.
When Paula Deen be on TV, she like,
"First, I'm gonna take some biscuits,
then put them in the oven,"
and I'm gonna take some butter
and put that on top of there,
and then take some bacon
and crumble it on top
and melt some cheese all over it.
"And we'll take some gravy
and sop it up through there."
We be in the house like, "Oh, shit!"
God damn, Paula Deen, that shit
sounds good as a motherfucker there!"
That's why it hurt us when she
said it. God damn, Paula Deen.
When you think about it, anybody
cook a sweet potato pie that good,
got to say nigga
every now and then, you know.
But I ain't talking about
no egregious-ass shit.
When you first taste it
to make sure it's good.
You like, "Nigga! Yeah."
Might want to get you a little piece
of that right there, boy.
Animals all mad and shit.
So much shit going on,
like, animals are upset.
Rightly so.
In Ohio, a couple of years ago,
this dude had, like, a zoo at his house
with real zoo animals.
He got up one day and let 'em go
in a regular-ass neighborhood.
"Hyah! Get on out of here!
Hyah! Hyah! Go on now!"
That ain't for black people
right there, that shit.
This nigga had lions and tigers
and bears, oh, my!
You know us. We scared
when somebody's dog get loose.
I couldn't even imagine walking
through a Walmart parking lot
and seeing a loose-ass lion.
Nigga, you like...
"Is that a lion, nigga?"
Don't move! Don't move!
"I heard you ain't supposed to move."
You be coming up with all kinds of shit.
I don't even know what you supposed
to do you see a loose-ass lion.
Somebody talk about "Run!"
Nigga, your ass can't outrun no damn lion.
I don't know about y'all, but I would
try to Jedi mind-trick that motherfucker.
If I saw a loose-ass lion,
I would turn into a lion tamer.
That lion came at me, I'll be like,
"Ha! Sit, Abar!"
I am Cedric!
"Hup! Sit!"
The lion would be looking at me,
"Do I know you, motherfucker?"
"I'm just trying not to get ate, Lion.
Doing the best I can, you know."
Saw this shit on YouTube the other day.
This lady was at the zoo
and got kicked by a giraffe.
I don't know what your ass did
to make a giraffe mad.
Do you know how irritating
your ass gotta be
for a giraffe to haul off
and kick the shit out of you?
Giraffe is usually one of the cooler
animals at the damn zoo.
They all long and lanky.
Be walking around like a ballplayer.
They got the eyelashes
that's all fleek and shit, nigga.
I don't know what this lady said,
but that giraffe had had enough
of her ass.
She up and said something,
that giraffe went like,
"Bitch, shut the fuck up!"
But he knew he had fucked up,
so that nigga ran off and shit.
He tried to mix in
with the other giraffes and shit.
They going, "We see your ass, Dwayne."
You know damn well
you weren't supposed to kick that lady."
And chickens have had a hard
couple of years. Ooh.
It's got to be rough if you a damn chicken
when you think about it.
'Cause chickens, man,
we love damn chicken.
So if you a chicken, you can't be out
on the farm making plans and shit.
Talking about, "Yeah, I think next
Saturday we should all get together"
and go over to Reggie's house..."
Nigga, you going to be
86ed Wednesday.
Your ass ain't gonna make it
to goddamn Saturday.
You gonna be on somebody's grill,
There's been a lot of controversy
around chicken.
The last couple of years...
It started with the Chick-fil-A man.
The Chick-fil-A man didn't
want gay people to eat chicken.
He made a statement and everything.
"Your ass gay, don't come over here
and eat no motherfucking chicken."
I could be paraphrasing.
I could be off a little bit.
But I believe it's an exact quote
if you look it up.
"Don't bring your punk ass here
to eat no goddamn chicken."
I could be off by a word or two,
but I believe it's somewhere
right in there.
He's like, "Don't bring
your punk ass over here"
try to eat no goddamn chicken
up in here, is what I'm saying."
Damn, Chick-fil-A man, that's aggressive.
Black people, we had to deal
with it a couple of years ago
with, you know, Mary J. Blige.
She ended up singing
the chicken song for Burger King
and that kind of offended us.
Well, one, that's a stereotype
that we love chicken.
You know. And we do.
We just don't want no motherfucker
singing about that shit though.
It's already hard enough.
We can't eat watermelon
at the company picnic, nigga.
We be at the company picnic like,
"You know damn well y'all waiting on me
to get that goddamn watermelon.
I ain't doing that."
You like, "Trevor, put some watermelon
on your plate"
and bring that shit over here for me, man.
"I ain't doing that shit."
I wasn't even really upset that
Mary J. had sang about chicken.
I was more upset that she Mary J. Bliged
the shit more than anything.
You ever hear the song?
I want some chicken
With lettuce
Lettuce and cheese
I want some chicken
I'm like, "Mary, no, you didn't
just Mary J. that bitch like that."
When I found out she got paid
$2 million to sing that song,
I was like, "Shit."
Somebody going to ask me,
"Ced, would you do that shit?
Sell out like that
for $2 million?"
I'm like, "Nigga, for $2 million",
I'll sing the song as Mary J. Blige,
I'm talking about boots on and everything.
Whole thing.
$2 million.
I'd sing the chicken
national anthem so goddamn well.
You'd look up, nigga, I'd be,
Oh, say
Can you see
Order me a two-piece
With some wings and some pie
Oh, yes, I love me some Popeye
And I love KFC
Church's really do please me
Hey, Nashville! That's my time, man!
I appreciate y'all.
Cedric the Entertainer.
Thank y'all for being here.
A holler!
[marching band playing]
Thank y'all!
Appreciate it.
Give it up for Ced
- Cedric
- Give it up for Ced
Damn, that's hot.
Give it up for Ced
Bam! I'm center stage.
I want to feel it right away.
We can fire it up. Just get like...
Give it up for Ced
Does it make it weird?
The Entertainer
- I'm a great dancer. I was on Soul Train.
- [laughing]
I like what's happening, what's goin' on.
[jazz music continues]
Let's check it out.
Yeah, come up, rock, boom, boom.
It's a lot of choreography.
Catch your breath.
Soon as the band starts up,
y'all get to rocking though.
- They going off. This is it.
- [music stops]
It's all right. [chuckles]
It done blazing, right?
- [imitating drumming]
- [music ends]