Celebrity (1999) Movie Script

Let's go.
Letters are fading.
Where's talent?
We have 5 seconds.
- And the letters?
- It's fine.
Did you get that in shot?
Okay, where's Hal?
I can only hold it
a few seconds.
Get the first team on set.
The letters are fading.
Come on, we gotta go!
- She looks great. Come!
- I'm ready.
- Please.
- Let's go.
Quick review, Nicole.
Get out of the
car, run across...
you see the
skywriting, "Help"...
and realise everything's
gone wrong.
It's incredible.
You had it all figured out.
And now it's all chaos.
You need to
project despair.
- We gotta go. We're losing...
- I know.
Make me feel the
whole human condition.
- You know?
- Lock it up!
Can you stop the drill
for 5 minutes?
What's that, "Help"?
- Roll camera!
- Camera's rolling.
- Speed!
- Higher.
Scene 121, take 1!
Faster, faster.
You're like a zombie!
Okay, hit the mark.
Look up.
Come on, come on.
And good, good.
Cut! We cut!
Nicole, thank you.
That was amazing.
So compelling.
Your body language, it's
so emotional, everything you do.
You get the big bucks because
you make me look great.
Camp David here.
About the ring.
Mary, here's Nicole.
- Sorry to bug you.
- Okay, pal.
- Do I sign the thing?
- Voucher.
You get a voucher?
- Did they get it?
- Let's hope.
Our wardrobe, right?
John, take this.
Where do I know you from?
I know you, right?
Chippers in So-Ho.
I waited on you.
What a great memory!
It was a couple
of months ago, right?
But I remembered your face.
And you're an actress.
I'm an extra.
A face in the crowd.
I'll get my sweatshirt.
When do you finish work?
Was that gorgeous black girl
you came with your girlfriend?
It was a guy in drag!
What are you talking about?
- Gorgeous girlfriend?
- Beautiful, whatever it was.
I was writing a
piece on transvestites...
which is why you saw my
"gorgeous girlfriend".
Well if you ever come back...
I get off around midnight.
You need a...
Excuse me, can I borrow...?
Tell me how close I am.
You're from rich parents...
you see a shrink and
you're dyslexic, right?
- That was good.
- I try.
My father's wealthy...
I do see a shrink...
and I'm insomniac,
so you're in the ballpark.
I remember you had
an amazing look.
And I thought,
"Trouble for someone."
I think I dreamt about you.
Really, I remember
your face.
Who wouldn't?
Please, sign your voucher.
- Lee!
- Excuse me.
Over here.
Sandy, you'll send the
truffles to the president, right?
Tomorrow at 7, okay?
In the park.
- Thanks.
- Here he is.
Ready for our tte--tte?
Everything in hand.
- Bill Gaines.
- How are you?
Nicole's press agent.
Please, let's not
dwell on the bulimia.
Believe me, Bill,
this is about lots of things.
You said you'd show me
where you grew up.
I did, I promised.
It's great we could do this.
Makes a big difference.
So kind of you
to show me.
This stuff makes a
lot of people nervous.
Sorry to disturb you.
This lady lived here...
as a child, years ago.
Nicole Oliver. You must know
her. Great actress.
What d'you want?
He's writing an article
about me...
and I'd like to show him
where I used to live.
Five minutes. It'd be
great for the magazine.
Come in and look around.
- I appreciate it.
- Thank you.
Look how tiny her feet are.
Like, this is
where it all began.
Did you have
feet like that, too?
Strange for you, I guess.
- It's changed, I think.
- I hope so.
It feels smaller.
That often happens.
How long have you lived here?
Never mind. Can
we go upstairs?
- Terrific.
- Whatever you want.
- Is that okay?
- She said okay.
- I don't care.
- Great. Thank you.
I had this whole wall
with movie star photos. I dreamt
about being in a movie...
with Warren Beatty.
You had nice dreams.
And I'd lie on the bed naked
and watch my body develop.
And I prayed that...
my breasts and legs
would be beautiful...
so I could be
an actress.
You cut a very
erotic figure like that.
I have to say it.
Fortunately I matured quickly.
I remember my brothers
spying on me...
in the shower, or they
rubbed up against me.
I empathise with them
totally. I really...
- Married.
- Happily?
But you have to work at it.
You have to, if you want
fidelity in a relationship.
But have you ever given
in to lust in this room...
and really let
yourself go...
in a big way?
I can't sleep
with you.
You can't, I know that.
But I had to...
The proximity is...
and irresistible.
- Not that you're not attractive.
- Very kind.
I find you very attractive.
But some things I won't do,
out of commitment.
I hear you. You
don't have to...
I only have intercourse
with my husband, Phil.
My body belongs
to my husband.
Listen, I understand...
But from the neck up,
that's another story.
After your nomination you formed
a production company, right?
Right. You have to develop
your own projects.
You can't imagine the
amount of crap I get sent.
Plus, I'd really like
to direct one day.
Really? Well,
I don't want to be pushy...
but I've got a screenplay
I've written...
and today I thought
it might be...
you know, perfect
for you.
Really. Right now
it's written for a man...
but it could easily be
rewritten for a woman.
What's it about?
An armoured car robbery,
but with a personal crisis.
- Who would I play?
- One of the guards.
It needs a rewrite, with
a feminist statement.
I know you're politically active...
and I think it could
work so well.
I've been working
on it for a year...
and I can't progress
unless a star is involved.
And someone like you, it'd be...
Have you given it to
any actors?
Yeah, but their agents reject
it before they see it...
because I have no track
record as a screenwriter...
although the script gets a
terrific reaction.
- Let me think about it.
- Really?
Great, because I don't want to...
- But I think you'd enjoy it.
- Let me think about it.
He's coming!
Come this way!
Come this way, everyone!
It's him. Come on.
We watch you every
Sunday on TV!
We wouldn't miss it
for the world!
Good to see you.
- Will you stay long?
- As long as I can.
Father Gladden is
our guest, from the TV.
Father, my daughter got a prize
at school for charity work.
She'd love to have
your autograph.
Entrance into the
Kingdom of God...
is determined by our response
to the neighbour in need.
I don't know what I'm doing here.
Relax, I was the
same at first.
My room's so spare.
And with a Bible!
And the water comes out brown.
I told the handyman. Really,
I know what you're going through.
When my husband went off
with his secretary, I was lost.
Someone said,
"You were raised a Catholic.
How could you consider a hit man?"
And I heard about this retreat.
- But I'm not religious.
- Nor am I.
My life, religious? I've had
two divorces and two abortions.
But to take a break from
the chaos of the city...
No, no, no.
The water comes out
brown in my room.
And the bed's hard.
You've had a trauma.
No therapy, no pills...
what you need is peace and quiet.
Your emotions
have to settle.
I couldn't go back
to teaching again.
Who's more popular,
the Pope or Elvis?
- I don't think there's any doubt...
- Elvis!
Do you think that the Beatles,
at the height of their fame...
were bigger stars than Jesus?
- World population was smaller...
- Autograph, please?
The food's the worst.
What is this?
I don't know. Shoe leather?
You don't have to eat it.
I asked for it rare.
But you don't like meat.
I said "rare".
You heard me.
I told them twice.
"Not overdone."
Well, we're not
here to enjoy ourselves.
Eat it, or something else.
- The macaroni cheese is good.
- Would you like mine? It's rare.
- That's nice of you.
- Please!
You sure?
You see, I can't eat
steak that's not rare.
Doesn't that look nice!
I started as a hobby...
but I get so many orders now,
I can't make them quick enough.
All genuine ceramic.
And this rubber
bulb here...
that you fill with
washable red dye.
One squeeze and His
wounds bleed. Watch that.
Isn't that something?
- Do you like the country?
- Oh, very much.
I went to a Catholic school,
you know?
So I have moments of
nostalgia for the faith.
Let your soul wander.
And if the miracles
of nature...
lead to intimations of
something larger...
try and have
an open heart.
Are there ticks here?
I'd hate to get Lyme's disease.
- No casualties so far.
- Good.
Could you excuse me?
Yes. Bye.
What, a divorce?
A divorce.
- Try and understand.
- Why?
It's not you, it's me.
I have to...
- Pull over!
- Robin, we should...
Pull the fucking car over!
Jesus, will you calm down?
Robin, where are you
going? That's not safe!
Come on. Are you crazy?
This is dangerous.
We can't talk here.
You've met someone else?
- I knew you'd think that.
- You have. You're lying.
I haven't. Jesus!
So after 16 fine years,
why a divorce?
It's me. I'm confused.
I want a different life, to
go in a different direction.
- Confused? Then see a doctor.
- I did.
Well, that's news!
What other surprises
you got in store?
This wasn't an easy decision.
You've met someone.
No-one just ups and goes.
You know, we got
married so young.
- Never time for living!
- Change your life how?
All we know
is each other!
So who do you want
to explore, Allison?
Why Allison?
- Your hands touched in the car.
- I don't believe this!
And you didn't pull yours away!
You had an affair with Allison!
- Our neighbour!
- Not an affair!
- You slept with her!
- That's why I want a divorce!
To marry Allison?
I can't be dishonest,
and I have been...
and I don't want to do it.
- Who else?
- Nobody else.
Lee, tell me...
now we're clearing the air.
I won't get angry.
Lee, come on.
Let's clear the air.
I won't get angry.
Aren't you cold?
We're clearing the air.
I'm not gonna get angry.
You lowlife
- I can't talk to you!
- My best friend, Sheila!
It's not about women. I'm
depressed about my whole life.
Your life with me?
I hate these stupid
travel pieces!
I tried to talk to you before,
but you're so high-strung.
I mean, we
can't talk!
It's over, you know?
I'm not happy!
Robin, are you okay?
Robin, are you okay?
But I will be.
Do you try to shock people?
One of my best collections.
I'm pleased how it turned out.
I'd love to talk
about this location.
We'll definitely get together.
It's an inspired idea!
The skyline enhances
my collection.
The colour's great, isn't it?
A fantastic backdrop
for your work.
It'd be great to talk
more about this.
Come next week.
We'll have lunch and I'll
show you round.
Can we talk more now?
- It'd help me with the details.
- Sure, no problem.
Nice car.
Thanks. Want
to drive it?
- Because it's a terrific...
- Is it yours?
Sure. What am I, a car thief?
It's an Aston Martin.
You're welcome, come on.
You've got a wig, it's...
- Camouflage.
- Really?
- Give me the keys.
- Thank you.
You look so much
Got enough room?
Not too fast, the
steering's a little...
Like flying a plane.
Yeah, a 1967 Aston Martin.
Cost me a fortune.
And I had them put
the wheel on the left.
Wanna go for a drink?
I promised a friend I'd
go to his opening.
You know the painter,
Bruce Bishop?
- I've seen his work.
- He's a genius!
You know what?
We'll go to the party...
and have a
drink afterwards.
So they commission Oscar to
do a clock tower for a mall.
And what does he propose?
An eight-storey penis.
- Gorgeous. Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- An eight-storey penis?
- In a little town in Kansas.
Imagine these farmers
driving to church...
past this giant erection!
- How are you?
- Thanks for coming.
- A pleasure.
- I'm in trouble.
Congratulations. Lee Simon.
This is amazing.
- Why in trouble?
- They don't get it.
I hate to think about it. Either
you get my work or you don't.
But don't buy my fucking
paintings to be "in".
Only if you have to
have a "Bruce Bishop".
It's all about image.
- One hundred per cent.
- Calm down.
But he's right.
- Bruce, calm down.
- We should go.
- He's upset.
- I know. We should go.
Wait. Are you a Libra?
- I'm Sagittarius.
- That's why you're impatient.
I'm attracted to Sagittarians,
but they're so impatient.
- Excuse me, would you sign this?
- Of course.
I use your exercise tape.
- You do?
- So do I.
But I exercise to it.
I can see. You look great.
- We should...
- Thank you.
- Let's go somewhere quiet.
- You really want to do that?
- How are you?
- You look gorgeous!
I'll get my drink.
I'll be right back.
You're so quiet.
I was thinking that...
you're the most
beautiful creature...
I've ever seen.
Every curve in your body...
fulfils its promise. If the
universe has any meaning...
I'm looking at it.
- You're sweet.
- And you're perfect.
Do you have any flaws?
Any kind. You're
a miracle.
I don't usually
drool in my salad.
I'm not usually like this.
I'm polymorphously
It's not a flaw.
Just a weakness.
Polymorphously perverse,
That every part
of my body...
gives me sexual pleasure.
Meaning every part of me
gives me erotic pleasure.
And how...?
Sensitive is that?
If you touch my thighs,
my hands, my neck...
my kneecaps...
I'm orgasmic.
Where did you learn this?
It's Dionysian.
A Greek taught me.
Now I can't get rid of it.
It's not a flaw,
just a weakness.
Just to get this right.
If I touch your hand...
if I take it and
just stroke it...
if I stroke it like
this, you...?
My God!
Let's get out of here.
I'll get the check.
I'll get the coat and...
Come on, guys,
we're going dancing!
Dancing? Great!
- I can't dance.
- We'll dance!
- I can't dance.
- Everybody can dance.
- Let's dance.
- I'll get the check.
My God, I know I've
told a lot of atheist jokes...
and I have no right to ask for
this, but that was just her hand!
- Shit!
- What? What's wrong?
I need echinacea
right away.
- Right away!
- Echinacea?
It's for colds.
Let's go find some.
Let's leave.
The health food stores
will be closed.
I know an all-night
They won't have it.
And I have none at home!
I'm going to
Milan tomorrow!
No, I told you,
it's an herb.
Because I can't hear you!
It's an herb!
I couldn't find any
You need echinacea?
- You have some?
- I always carry some.
He's got some.
So where to?
We should go, you got
to fly to Milan tomorrow.
No, it's okay.
"Stuff a cold,
starve a fever"
Really, it's okay.
Incidentally, you're a
tremendous athlete.
I'm sure you have
an enormous future.
This your car?
Yeah, an Aston Martin.
It's very old.
Forget it, it costs a fortune.
I used to have a Volvo.
I'll call you when we
play the Knicks.
Right. I'll give you my number.
You know...
you're amazing.
I notice that men
just stare at you.
I mean, women stare at you!
It's incredible.
- I used to live with a woman.
- Really?
A beautiful young
German model.
The looks we got when
we danced together!
But you prefer men?
That's great.
You're not afraid
of catching germs?
I've got a cold.
From you, I'd be willing
to catch terminal cancer.
My place or yours?
Whichever makes you happier.
My place.
I have a mirror
next to the bed.
You have a mirror.
My God! I'm
so sorry!
You're okay? Not bleeding?
Just a little shaken!
Christ, what were you thinking?
I hope the police don't
give me a balloon test.
- They'd misinterpret this.
- The police?
I can't be connected with
a drunk-driving accident!
I'm not drunk!
The tabloids will
kill me!
I just signed an endorsement
with a cosmetic company!
I got to go. I'll be
fine. I'll get a cab.
No, I'll take you, because...
Are you crazy?
Look at your Aston Martin!
I can claim it in the morning.
The night is young.
I wanted to see your mirror.
You can't leave the
scene of an accident.
This is a bad neighbourhood.
You should...
I'll be fine.
I'm a black belt.
- But if you're bleeding internally?
- Nice to meet you!
Fucking cold!
I've been waiting for 2 hours.
- I've been waiting too.
- Dr Lupus knows you're here.
I can't wait.
- If you'd like to reschedule...
- I made this appointment in June.
I've been waiting a year
for my appointment.
I know a woman who sold
her appointment for $3,000.
If they're going to touch
me, I want the best.
I understand. Since that
Newsweek article, we're overrun.
- Dr. Lupus!
- A few minutes.
Very interesting. I
can work with that.
Miss Lipton in 7.
It's really worth the wait.
The man's an artist.
Dr. Lupus, hello.
I'm worried about my jowls.
What do you think?
Yes, they'll go.
- Some of the neck, too.
- Excuse me.
No, no, those eyes
have to be wider.
And we got to get
rid of the double chin.
I want to make you look like
Pearl Chavez, the fiery half-breed.
"Duel in the Sun", right? They'll
think you have Indian blood.
Thank you.
I don't know why I'm here.
Herman, she needs a makeover.
Thanks for fitting us in.
Please, please!
You're very special to me.
- Do I need a makeover?
- Why be less than perfect?
What can we do with the eyes?
I see what you mean.
They're beady.
- And tighten this up, too.
- Beady?
I told her you
were a genius.
I read that
Newsweek article.
- The lips a little fuller?
- Fuller?
Not if you prefer that
cold, stressful look.
- Are they too thin?
- It won't be noticeable.
Well, noticeable,
but not artificial.
The cameras are here.
Thank you. I'm on
"News at Noon".
We're in the plush office
of a man called...
"the Michelangelo
of Manhattan".
- Ignore the camera.
- And your breasts and buttocks?
As with the great Renaissance
unsightly flesh is molded
and suctioned away...
until only youth remains...
or the illusion of youth.
I'm out of here. I should go.
Outside in the waiting room,
anxious faces...
await transmogrification
into perfection.
We don't do penis enlargements.
We don't have the space.
We're talking about 3 inches.
Socialite Pinky Virdon...
uses the VIP entrance
for the privileged few...
who do not have to plan eons
in advance for an appointment.
I'm not blaming you, I have to go.
I'll tell you what.
I'll get your coat.
- We'll go out the side exit.
- The side exit.
Relax, I'll be right back.
The waiting room's here.
Why don't you get comments
from those women?
Don't forget the nurses.
Sorry if we're
disturbing you.
I got a film crew here.
- I was just going.
- Dr Lupus said...
He did a great job on you.
You look great.
Are my lips too thin?
Not for me. Whatever he
charged you, it was worth it.
Thanks very much.
I'm Tony Gardella.
I produce "News at Noon."
- And you are?
- Robin Simon.
What do you do?
I'm a schoolteacher.
Great, so you saved your money,
invested it here and now...
you're a knockout!
I'm here for a consultation.
He hasn't done anything to me.
From the point of
view of a total stranger...
I wouldn't change a freckle.
Well thank you.
"I have always depended on
the kindness of strangers."
Well, I better get
on with this thing.
Back to work.
forgive me, but...
are you married or anything? And
if not, what are you doing later?
- Later, when?
- Six o'clock.
- Why?
- Want to go to a screening?
A screening?
Of a new John
Papadakis film.
I have to go and I thought
you'd like to go.
Thank you,
but I can't.
I don't often go to the films...
and I haven't
heard of that director.
But thanks for
thinking of me.
She'll be happy to go.
This is my...
Accepting for Ms. Simon,
her friend, Cheryl.
And your divorce? Are you
friendly with your ex-husband?
We would be if we met.
I mean, this is the age
of psychotherapy, right?
Everyone's so
sophisticated and mature.
Hi, how are you?
At least you're
not still angry.
No, that phase is over.
You have to stop
and move on with life.
The champagne tastes
like it was made yesterday.
Think so? I
kind of liked it.
But I'm feeling lightheaded.
I shouldn't drink any more.
I wish I felt lightheaded.
- I hate these screenings.
- Do you?
I'd rather see
a real audience.
I should know all these people,
but I'm so out of touch.
Let's see. You see that guy?
That's Papadakis, the
director of the film.
Yeah, he's arty and pretentious.
One of those assholes who always
films in black and white.
Tom Dale. Big star!
He's filming an adaptation
of a sequel of a remake.
Getting out of the elevator
is a famous critic.
Him, I recognise.
He used to hate every movie.
But he married a young, big-bosomed
woman and now he loves every movie.
God, I'm so out of touch.
Can I get you a refill?
What the hell? Why not?
If I could think of what to do
I'd never go back to teaching.
- Come work for me.
- As what?
All I'm good at is Chaucer.
Well, we have a
cooking show.
You could do "Great
Writers' Recipes."
"Chaucer's Fettucini
with Clam Sauce."
"Walter Raleigh's Gazpacho."
No, that's okay.
But I'm glad you asked me out.
I'm having a very nice...
- What's the matter?
- Lee!
- Who's Lee?
- My husband.
- Your husband?
- I don't want to see him here!
I thought you said
it was no problem.
- Stand there, stand there.
- All right, all right.
No, no! There, there.
Talk to me. Act
natural, for chrissake!
No, more to the left!
Oh, God!
- No, he's going to see me.
- Where are you going?
- Is he there?
- I don't know who he is.
- Is he going into the cinema?
- There's a blond guy coming.
Is that who I think it is?
Robin, what are you doing here?
I'm looking for...
I dropped my earring!
I found it!
Bonnie, this is Robin.
Robin, this is Bonnie.
- How are you?
- How am I?
How am I?
You mean now?
You mean...
my physical health?
- Whatever. Or spiritual.
- I'm fine. Thirsty.
Nice to meet you.
Oh dear!
I guess we won't have a drink.
- We'll go in and...
- See you in there.
Catch you inside.
Nice to see you.
- Are you all right?
- I shouldn't drink.
His use of
these flashbacks...
and slow motion is
pretentious, isn't it?
And that harlot he's with?
You think she's pretty?
Probably one of those
porn channel outcalls.
You dial a number
if you need an escort.
Escort! I mean, really!
Deep massage, they say.
But that's bullshit.
You probably
dial 588-PUSS Y.
I think she's an editor
for Random House, but...
How could you have slept with
Sheila, my best friend?
You found her bovine.
His word: "Bovine".
Am I lying?
Didn't you say she
was a vache hollandaise?
Didn't you?
Am I lying?
- You're sick, that's what!
- Lie in front of these people?
- I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
No, I lost control.
I guess you're still
in love with him.
I guess I am.
Good night.
Well, think about what I said.
- About what?
- About coming to work for me.
That's a fantasy.
You're bright. You'd learn.
My company's growing.
You could grow with us.
Too inhibited.
- That's a shame.
- I'm sorry.
Good night.
- Did you like the movie?
- I hate Papadakis.
One clich after another.
When you see these scripts,
it's so depressing.
Were you upset about
the run-in with your ex?
She's an hysteric.
I'm lucky I got out.
Tonight was proof
positive, if I needed proof.
Sounds like you're
protesting too much.
No, my class reunion was
the defining moment for me.
- How's that?
- A class reunion last year.
Take my advice. Don't do it.
Doris, Doris! How are you?
- You look the same.
- Great to see you.
- This is Nat.
- Hi, Nat, how are you?
- What are you up to?
- I work in imports.
- What are you doing?
- I write for a travel magazine.
Get to travel for free?
Free, yeah, tell me about it.
We crash-landed in Dubrovnik!
Eddie, Eddie!
- Look what the cat dragged in.
- Nice to see you.
This is Lenore, my wife.
What are you up to?
We've got four kids.
Two on the way.
What do you do when
you're not procreating?
I forget.
I'm a dentist, that's it.
Have you seen Jay Tepper?
Not for ages.
I don't believe this!
- Lee, how are you?
- I'm good.
- What are you doing these days?
- Hanging in there.
Still running and killing the girls?
I'm long married.
This is my wife, speaking
of married. Mary.
- Where's your wife?
- She has shingles.
You a shrink?
Not exactly, I'm
a psychoanalyst.
Can you believe this guy?
- Come and give me a call.
- A call?
Monroe Gordon, and his
lovely wife, Dana.
Monroe, whom you all remember
was in our "Guys and Dolls"...
and who went on to a
successful singing career...
in Broadway...
in Atlantic City...
Carlton's Restaurant off the
Sunrise Highway...
and the Sunrise Lounge.
Monroe will sing a song made
popular in our school years.
What happened to my classmates?
Everyone's so...
mature-looking and fat.
I didn't age that much.
Unless I did and I can't see it.
All these dentists, veterinarians
and antique dealers...
capped teeth and bald heads,
grey hairs coming...
Sam Jablon has that rug on.
Looks like it fell on him from
a window and nobody told him.
Some dead already. Annette
DeAngelo, breasts I caressed...
lying cold in the ground!
God, how I wanted to
sleep with Polly Weiss.
Now she's turned into her mother.
Freddie Kaplan's my age. Looks
like he's from my father's club.
I'm fucking Prufrock.
I've got to change
before it's too late.
Pardon me?
I'm not happy, Jay.
Married too young.
Neither of us had the
chance to live, to explore.
These aren't
my office hours.
I'm talking to you while
there's still time.
I just turned 40. I don't
want to look up at 50...
to find I've measured out
my life with coffee spoons.
Try and relax.
And put the vodka down.
Robin's lovely.
She's a little neurotic...
but I don't want to spend my life
as husband to a schoolteacher...
writing the occasional
travel piece...
and never knowing...
what it's like to make love...
to that sleazy blonde that's
married to Monroe Gordon.
The truth is that...
Robin is dull in bed.
Fucking Catholic
I don't know, maybe I
don't excite her anymore.
I don't know what's true anymore.
Listen, are you in treatment?
One minute you're in
the school lunchroom...
you fucking blink...
and you're 40.
Blink again...
and you can see movies at half
price for senior citizens.
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls."
Or to be more exact...
ask not for whom
the toilet flushes.
Where were you while we
were making love?
You know, in high school
I was Class Writer.
That's why I tell you to
forget the screenplays...
- and go back to writing your novel.
- Too inhibited.
So you'll never get over
some bad reviews?
My two novels were
dismissed. It was brutal.
Maybe after I sell a
Film is where it's at.
Who reads books anymore?
Not young kids.
- They're into cinema, movies.
- I don't believe that. Nor do you.
Why are you getting dressed?
Going home. Isn't
that what you want?
I don't know what I want.
You're the only one who makes
sense to me since my divorce.
I don't want someone
to make sense to.
I want someone to get
irrational over me.
Maybe after I sell my armoured
car robbery script...
I'll get back to
something more serious.
Philip's having a dinner next
week. I'd love you to come.
Philip Datloff?
- He's sweet. You'll like him.
- I'd be too intimidated.
An editor of his stature? I'd
feel guilty I wasn't writing.
- I want you two to meet.
- I won't know what to say.
So what's your novel about?
- I don't have a novel, it's more...
- No, he does, he does.
Been working on
it for over a year.
- From what I've seen, it's terrific.
- Bonnie is a gifted editor.
- I know this.
- I'm grooming her for my job.
I didn't have the emotional
energy to finish it.
And how many people read it?
Do a film, and it reaches millions.
It's not energy, it's confidence.
- His first two books...
- Were obliterated. The 3 S's.
Self-indulgent, sophomoric,
If every writer who got bad press
at first caved in...
You're too thin-skinned.
My God, it's V.J. Rajnipal.
- Excuse me.
- Philip's his editor.
What am I doing here? That guy
won the Nobel and deserved...
I'm out of my league.
Awash in self-contempt.
You know Irwin Shaw wrote
the best anti-war play ever...
and got it all into one act?
Interesting you should say
that, he was my idol.
At high school I read "The
Eighty Yard Run."
And I wept. Cried in class.
That story made
me want to write.
That and some
pieces by Saroyan.
You love him too?
Amazing! I love the plays
and the essays.
When I think of Irwin Shaw, I
think of "Girls in Summer Dresses."
The title is better than most
people's short stories.
It's so elegant, economic.
- It's thrilling.
- The best.
Thrilling prose. Terrific.
My book is about the values
of a society gone astray...
a culture badly
in need of help.
A country that gives a 20-year-old
kid who can barely read or write...
a $100 million contract
to play basketball?
And a brutal murder trial, or who
is sleeping with the President...
It's all show business!
All show business!
Why am I getting so shrill?
I get so nervous
talking about my novel.
That's why you have to finish it.
- You're so encouraging.
- Screenplays have their place.
But there's nothing like a
serious book.
Exactly my point.
In "Red Letter Day",
my first book...
I touched on these themes,
but I was too green.
- I remember "Red Letter Day".
- Really?
Yeah, I reviewed it for
the Times.
It was...
There was no energy.
It was trivial.
You don't mind
my being frank?
Are you okay?
The rest of them
will be here soon.
Let's not take all day on this.
Move it along! I've got plans.
- This way, Mr Adelman.
- Counselor! Nice to have you back.
- It's a pleasure.
- Put him in the Green Room.
You're from the ACLU, right?
Can I get you anything?
Yeah. I'm expecting a call.
Can you put it through?
Of course. You know each other?
These gentleman are from the
South Carolina Klan.
We've done a few
shows together.
You're Minister Polynice!
The others are in
the Green Room.
Is there time
for a sandwich?
Of course, Mary...?
- Can I see you in my office?
- Just a minute. Mary...
Margaret, I'm so sorry...
The attorney is
expecting a call...
- Hi, I'm Dawn Dawson.
- Dawn Dawson?
The teenage obese acrobat.
I had an appointment today.
The teenage obese acrobat, today?
- You said the 14th.
- Our "Overweight Achievers."
Oh my God! I gave
out the wrong date!
- You said the 14th.
- I am so sorry.
Excuse me, the
skinheads are here.
Green Room's
getting crowded.
How about the lounge?
With Rabbi Kaufman.
That'd be nice. It's just
round the corner.
How about makeup? I'm a lawyer,
I can't appear without makeup!
It's a madhouse.
I've made a mistake. I
gave out wrong dates.
- Come here.
- I'm so sorry.
I screwed up. I'm so sorry.
I've been watching you run
up and down all morning...
and I can't take my eyes off you.
I can't get the
weekend in Bermuda...
out of my mind.
There's lots to do.
Priorities. Never
Oh my God!
I'm Professor Benz. We're
here for the taping.
I'm sorry, there's
been a mistake.
Sorry. "Overweight Achievers"
is next week.
- Who are you?
- Lou DeMarco.
Uncle to Tony Lipriano from
the Genovese family, that's who.
Our "Cosa Nostra"
show is next week.
She told me today!
I know, I'm sorry.
I can't come next week.
I'm being deported Thursday.
Didn't we do Sally's
show together?
Going back a long time. I
only had 2 murders then.
You're with William Morris?
Don't make me laugh!
Where are the bagels? Have the
skinheads eaten them all?
Could you interview this
professional woman...
for the panel on lovemaking
next Tuesday?
What's the show
"Working Girls Born in
Manhattan." I'm Nina.
Nina, right. Great.
So you're a hooker.
Yeah, that's right.
Hey, Tony, you
finally got here.
Traffic that bad?
Told you it'd be heavy
traffic. I knew it.
Grandma, look who's here!
Your favourite grandson!
- Hi Tony.
- Hi, Grandma.
God, we were waiting for you.
- Where have you been?
- This is Robin, everybody.
How do you do?
This is my sister, Iris.
- Tony's a real doll.
- I know.
He got us this house.
Show her the house.
Mom, will you stop it?
But there's a waiting list to get
Grandpa into the nursing home.
It's the only home I trust.
The others are toilets.
But this one, he'd be looked after.
But there's a waiting list.
So maybe if you call and we'd tell
him it's for you, for Grandpa.
Use your name.
Maybe they'd move him up on
the list. Know what I mean?
- We could try, Pop.
- Thanks. He needs it.
Talk to him about the table.
Your Grandma!
I want to take Iris to LeBijou
for her birthday.
It's impossible to get
a good table there.
There's a 6-month waiting
list for this restaurant.
- I'll have Mary make the call.
- As long as it's convenient.
Tony's nobody's fool.
When will you get my Knick's
season tickets upgraded?
What am I, Don
Corleone here?
Not for me, brother,
for your nephew.
Ricky! Come here.
Tell Grandma who came
and spoke at your school.
- A guest speaker?
- Yeah, John Brennan.
- Very nice!
- The hostage guy.
- You don't know John Brennan?
- The hostage, Grandma.
- You remember!
- No, I never heard of him.
They hijacked his plane and
held him hostage for months.
Grandma won't know.
- Yes she does. Dad, you remember?
- Sure. It was in the papers.
In the papers, on the
television, everything.
They released him and he got this
hero's welcome. He's famous!
Famous? For being
Why's he a hero? It's no
feat to get captured!
Your family's crazy about you.
They've never had much...
and my success has made
so many things possible.
That's why I'm so
driven professionally.
Yeah, they're lovely.
It's fun to be able to do things
for people you love.
Did you never think you might
want a family of your own?
Yeah. I'm surprised you
don't have one.
Well, you know...
At the beginning we were
young, not much money.
And as time went on, Lee became
edgy if I brought it up.
Would you like to have a family
if we ever got married?
Well, you know...
- When's the other shoe gonna drop?
- What do you mean?
Well, you know...
I mean...
you can't be this perfect.
You didn't just walk into my
life with no drawbacks.
Any minute I'm gonna
discover you have a wife.
Or you had one, but you chopped
her up with a hatchet.
Don't walk away from
me like that!
- Get back in there!
- Go to hell!
It's all your fucking lying!
Get her out of your life!
You want to fucking
ruin our relationship?
Stupid bitch!
I'm fucking sick
of this bullshit!
I'm sick of this bullshit!
Fuck you!
Stop it!
Tell her to get out of our lives!
I'm sick of it!
Tired of this bullshit!
- I can't take it anymore!
- You're so paranoid!
I fucking love you!
Tell her to get the fuck
out of our lives!
Listen, baby, I love you.
Don't do this to me, alright?
Don't you fucking do this.
Don't you fucking walk away.
Don't fucking walk away
from me, bitch!
There's a terrible fight
on the 11th floor.
A fight?
- Where?
- 1102.
- Brandon Darrow.
- Every time.
He seemed drunk,
so I called security.
- Call the police.
- Somebody'll get hurt.
Come on, hurry!
He's trying to hurt me!
Get in there.
- What's going on here?
- Get the fuck out.
I don't know what that bitch
told you, but she's lying.
- I'm security.
- I'll call my lawyer...
if you don't get
the fuck out of here.
- Get the fuck out of here!
- Tried to push me out the window!
Bitch, don't you lie to them!
Don't you fucking lie!
- Keep him away!
- Take it easy, pal.
Get your fucking
hands off me.
Easy, pal!
Excuse me, I have an
appointment with Mr Darrow.
Get off my neck!
I hate this hotel!
- I told you, she's lying!
- I'm Lee Simon, about the script.
If your friend tries to
plant coke on me again...
you don't know what I'll do!
- Lee Simon. I wrote "Heist".
- What the fuck you want?
He tried to throw me and
my clothes out the window!
Don't bullshit strangers.
And I'm not high. Look at me.
- I don't make moral judgements.
- What was your name?
Nicole Oliver gave you my script.
About an armoured car robbery.
- It has a strong personal subplot.
- I'm gonna sue you motherfuckers!
I'll sue this fleabag, fucking
cockroach hotel!
- What's going on here?
- I'm sick of this!
Time I got a little
respect round here!
- Shut up!
- Fuck you!
Shut the hell up!
Little domestic problem,
but it got pretty physical.
- I see your films.
- Tried to push me out the window!
- This guy?
- Her friend planted dope on me!
Come on, let's go downtown.
Talk to my people.
- Who are you?
- Lee Simon. We have a meeting.
Not right now. Later maybe.
Thing is, we had
a meeting scheduled...
and it's important
that we meet.
30 seconds would help.
Come on, ladies, back up!
Initially, we can have a
brief conversation...
and establish what we need.
Can we get these guys back?
Will this take long?
- Out the way!
- Make room!
Is tomorrow good for you?
A week?
Clear the way!
Wait! Don't take him away!
Lt'll be okay, baby. Call Irv
Klein, get him downtown.
- I'll be out in an hour.
- Hold 'em back!
He didn't do anything.
I'm not pressing charges!
Don't hold him. The hotel
has no problem with this.
I brought a copy
if you want to talk.
Mr Darrow, you're welcome
back in the hotel.
Okay, because this is Brandon
Darrow, understand?
That's the only reason.
- That's it!
- Thank you very much.
Mr Darrow, come back to the hotel.
Stay outside, please!
You're not allowed
in the hotel.
If we could go into the bar
and have a drink...
and talk for a few minutes,
there's some points...
I'm reworking which
you'd be excited to hear.
- I'm open to the whole process.
- For my wife.
In just a brief
discussion, I think...
Brandon, we'll be late!
This is the first script I've
read with balls.
- Is it 5 already?
- I had a lot of interest in it.
But it's always,
"Get a bankable star."
We have to talk.
You as Sonnyboy, with
an unknown for the female lead.
- You like fights?
- Fights?
We're going to Atlantic City to
see the Fernandez-Tobin fight.
- Atlantic City, now?
- Yeah, it's 5 already.
I have an assignment tonight.
We could talk now.
I get a lot of scripts.
I'm sure!
- But most are bullshit.
- Exactly!
- No fucking integrity!
- We gotta go.
- Yours works.
- I'm flattered.
My assignment! 2 minutes!
Can't reschedule me.
I fly to Africa tomorrow.
They went through hell to get me
an interview with the mayor's wife.
She likes acting.
I got scratches all over my
arms. It's ridiculous.
Do we take off from Teterboro?
- From Teterboro.
- Take off?
- We can't drive now.
- Some music!
I can't fly.
I had a horrible experience
as a travel writer...
Don't be a fucking pussy.
Flight takes 20 minutes.
It was a crash landing.
- You like fights?
- Yes, but...
D'you like Fernandez
or Tobin?
Tobin's got him, man!
- Tobin's got him!
- I like Fernandez.
I'm impressed with your ear.
- My ear?
- Yeah, dialogue.
My ear! Well, I try and listen.
Know what I mean?
It flows.
Come on, come on!
Come on, baby!
Stick him! Come on!
Is this a good time to go
over script problems?
He can't put a fucking
combination together, shit!
Let's shoot craps.
I can't sit still.
If we could get our business
done, you could play more relaxed.
- You shoot crap?
- I don't, no.
I'll teach you, man!
I know the rules, but I
didn't bring much money.
I'll advance you some.
From our royalties?
Very generous.
I wanted to talk
about the opening.
You know? It
feels a little rushed.
It's definitely rushed.
Needs more build-up.
- No, not build-up.
- Not build-up!
Character development.
Who is this Sonnyboy?
Why's he need to score so bad?
You have a feel for this.
Shoot 'em, babe!
You're fucking cursed.
It ain't your night.
I can't believe I ran
through $6,000 so fast.
All right, seven or eleven!
Gimme the dice!
Seven or eleven, baby!
You know after the opening
scene, when Sonnyboy meets...
Hey man, you partake in this?
Well I have some alcohol,
so... not really.
So I was wondering how you felt
about how I handled the robbery.
It's a terrific sequence,
I'm very happy...
Needs a complete rewrite.
Nobody'd believe you could steal
an armoured car in the daytime.
- It's ridiculous.
- Not enough subterfuge.
For you, baby.
Hey, you like her?
- She's a terrific person.
- Got a nice ass.
With some helicopter
shots, we could...
Let's take the party inside,
what d'you say?
I'd like to talk more in-depth
about the denouement...
I feel there's a chance there
to say something special.
Excuse me, Brandon, we
can finish this in a second.
I don't want to
get in the way, so...
Why don't you get into bed...
and we'll be there
in a minute, right?
Excuse me, have
you got a second?
This is an unfamiliar
scenario to me.
Listen, I know Gina
from before.
You won't be sorry. Trust me.
- You mean, all of us?
- Yeah, what's the problem?
You never been with more
than two broads before?
The woman thing is
not a... you know.
But with guys I'm uncomfortable.
But we're not
getting together, right?
You do like women, don't you?
If it was, like on their own...
with just 2, 5, 500, it
wouldn't matter, but...
So my presence disturbs you?
You know, the idea of a naked
man per se, conceptually...
a naked man is
not an issue for me.
- Do we need the door closed?
- Ever been in a boy's locker room?
Sure. I have
track medals.
I was all-city.
So what's the problem?
I don't know how to put it.
It's a wave of panic at the
proximity of male genitalia...
in conjunction with the
specific activity implied.
Add to which, I'm still airsick.
I don't know if I can...
You writers are
so sensitive, you know?
You should be writing
greeting cards, not scripts.
What's up?
Not in the mood?
I'm just...
I don't know...
tired, you know. Drunk.
Just had alcohol.
Brandon tells me
you're his writer.
Well, y'know, I'm a writer.
I write.
I wrote some film scripts.
Ever heard of Chekhov?
I have.
I write like him.
You write like him?
So Brandon, the scene
in the church...
where Sonnyboy's killed by his
brother? Does that work?
Listen, we'll definitely
speak about this again.
I'm going to Africa tomorrow to
do a pretty complicated picture...
and then I have another picture in
L.A., and then maybe we can talk.
But I really want
to do your script.
It just needs a little
bit of work.
I need to think about it.
Know what I mean?
Have a great drive
back to New York.
My agent will call
you about the $6,000.
You can pay it back in
installments. He'll call you.
Yeah, Bonnie?
You sitting down?
No, I just...
I guess I just woke up.
I've decided to
finish my novel.
Yeah, I know, I know.
No, I won't let anything stand
in my way, I'll work...
nights, weekends,
whatever it takes.
Well, I came home...
and looked for the chapters I'd
written, but I couldn't find them.
And I thought, "God, maybe I've
thrown them out by mistake!"
And I panicked. Panicked!
No, then I found them.
My God, but that panic!
It just made me realise...
how dear they are to me.
So I reread them
and I just...
Well, they contain...
every aspiration
I've ever had...
every authentic
every idea.
And I just got no choice.
I have to complete this.
This is me.
I love this book.
I love this book.
Well, thank you.
Come on in.
Are you okay?
You seemed tense
on the phone.
Yeah, come in. Want a drink?
Well, I wouldn't mind.
Some white wine,
if you have it.
So let me explain.
When we spoke
after the show...
we touched lightly on,
for want of a better term...
sexual technique.
Do you recall?
Certain strategies for...
pleasing a man in bed.
I don't know why...
I'm so rattled.
I said this so clearly on my
pillow last night...
- and now I'm all disjointed.
- Have some more wine.
I want you to show
me some things.
On television?
No, for me.
Let me explain.
The man I'm going with...
whom I love
very dearly...
is very sexually active.
Which is great.
You know, great!
Our sex life...
is very solid and physical.
Well, obviously physical!
And the sad truth is...
Well, no.
I only recently
got divorced...
after being married to the same
man since I was in college...
whom I loved...
but who was all I'd
I say this...
confidentially, because I
respect you professionally.
I think I disappointed
him sexually.
I come from a very
proper family...
and I was taught...
growing up...
that a lot of acts of
lovemaking are wrong.
In my mother's eyes, actually...
quite sinful.
And so...
I went to a Catholic
school, you know?
Not that Tony
complains, but I feel...
that I'm not really...
that he's being kind.
And it's a testament to
his feelings for me...
that he desires me as much
as he does and enjoys it.
Don't get me wrong, we both
do. I love being wanted...
and the actual act itself.
But I just feel...
that I can do better.
And I want him to have the best.
I don't want him,
after a while...
to start wanting experiences
with other women.
I couldn't
take that again.
Is any of this making
sense to you?
So you what you
want is lessons.
I guess so, yeah.
I mean, I'm sure this
is highly unusual. Or not!
Of course you'll get paid.
Why not go to one
of those therapists?
No, no!
I don't want to get clinical
with Tony.
I wanted to learn it from someone
who'll teach it to me...
down and dirty! If you
know what I mean.
Just wondering where to begin.
How about oral sex?
Because, y'know, I sometimes feel...
it just doesn't
come naturally to me.
It's laboured.
I have trouble
breathing, actually.
And once a cap fell off my
tooth and I swallowed it.
Do you enjoy it?
I certainly don't mind it.
But do you enjoy it?
What goes through your
mind when you're doing it?
The Crucifixion.
I can't help it,
it's my upbringing.
All right, look...
show me how you do it.
- Go ahead.
- Now?
Yeah. Take the banana and
give me your best blowjob.
Go ahead.
Yeah, down the hatch.
Oh my God!
- Have you ever injured him?
- No. Is it too hard?
Well, it's a little...
You see, I'm overeager.
I just try too hard.
It's all right. I'll show you.
I'll show you how to do it.
Here you go. Watch me.
It's a gentle, slow,
medium-slow motion.
Get all you can in your mouth...
Depth of penetration is vital.
Okay, watch this. Ready?
My God! Are you choking?
You're choking!
Oh my God!
Arms up!
My God! Put your
arms up again.
Is that out?
I am so sorry!
Do you want some water?
I'm okay, I'm okay.
I feel dreadful,
like it's my fault.
- It's all right.
- Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm all right.
Oh dear!
I need some more practice.
Should you be smoking?
Oh yeah! All right.
A toast...
to Sid Melnick!
And to the best book written
about the CIA in 10 years.
- Why's he so insecure?
- He's crazy.
- Feel like another drink?
- It would be good.
- Can I refill you?
- Yes, refill me.
Keep an eye on him.
- Bonnie's terrific.
- And a wonderful editor.
I get the feeling she's controlling
the chaos you call your life.
I figured, "Fuck it!"
We've been practically living
together for the last 6 months.
So why not? I made
the commitment...
and so she gave up her place.
She moved in today.
Know what I hate about
promotional book tours?
You work your ass off...
knock yourself out,
then go to a bookstore...
they don't have your book.
- They never stock your book.
- I know.
The screenplay, the famous
screenplay, went nowhere.
You need a star and it's just
fucking death. The humiliation!
- Business.
- Total, y'know?
Why don't you tell them
what you've been doing?
- Oh, please!
- What?
- What is it?
- I've almost finished my novel.
I've been slaving over it for
a year in my spare time.
But with the reception
my previous books got...
I'm a glutton for
punishment, right?
- This'll be a huge success.
- He's being modest.
- It's great.
- You read it?
You're gonna go by my
new roommate now?
Because she has
no agenda here.
- How are you?
- Nice to see you.
I know these guys!
- Lee, how you doing?
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you again.
- How you been?
This is Nola.
That's Bonnie and Kevin.
That's Lee.
So, how are you?
Here we go.
Do you mind if...?
Thank you.
- How's it going?
- Very good.
So, how you doing?
I'm good.
I finished a long article.
Worked on it for 5 months...
and then we've been
vacationing a little bit.
My goodness!
Where'd you go?
To California.
Have you read Sid's book?
- How you been?
- Good.
I liked it very much.
A bit long.
Not too long. I was engrossed.
- How's your acting career?
- Slow, but breathing.
- Still working at Chippers?
- You remembered.
What was the spy movie we saw
last week? "The Hawk and the...?"
"The Falcon and the Snowman."
Thank you.
Doesn't it remind
you of that a bit?
Maybe I don't
remember the movie.
Young spies in trouble...
What have you been doing?
Nothing interesting.
- I called you Friday.
- I'm sorry.
I got your message. We were
in California a couple more days...
because she's never been
to San Francisco.
- I love that town!
- It was wonderful.
Until I tried to drive.
Never been more
terrified in my life.
- You should've seen her!
- I tried!
We were airborne, literally.
Like a special-effects movie.
It was scary.
I was just clutching the
thing for my life.
- Where'd you stay?
- The Fairmont.
Big time!
How'd you meet David?
How did we meet?
Well, I took her away
from a Nobel scientist.
I wasn't even going
out with him.
I was his translator.
Yes, and companion.
And she translated so well that
he offered to dump his wife.
You make it sound more
interesting than it was.
- Really?
- Excuse me.
Got a minute, Lee? Say
hello to Shelly Rubin.
You gotta catch this kid.
Great young comic.
Someone has to
do a piece on him.
The next Robin Williams.
Do Jack Nicholson
at the Seder for him.
It's hysterical.
Just attended my first Seder.
What a shindig that was!
Haggadah this...
haggadah that.
Only thing you gotta do
is drink a lot of wine.
That's uncanny.
- Isn't it great?
- Glad I saw it live.
- You have a great future.
- But I got more.
Cabernet for the Manichewitz...
Thanks, Lee.
We'll hook up.
- We should talk and meet.
- Nice talking to you!
We'll be in touch,
okay? Thanks.
Just in time. I was dying
of comedy poisoning.
You never came by.
I don't know why. Got
sidetracked, I guess.
That's all right.
Though I was pretty sure
you'd come that night.
All that talk
about my great face...
Well, it still looks...
Under these lights, especially,
you look fantastic.
Is that your girlfriend, or
another transvestite?
No, she's just...
She's a friend.
She's beautiful.
I'll get you a...
So you're with
David, right?
Yes and no.
What are you doing later?
After you drop off your
date, are you busy?
When? When
We're meeting some friends now,
but why don't you meet me?
Meet me at the kiosk
opposite El Teddy's at 12.
Twelve noon, Tomorrow?
Twelve tonight.
Unless you're busy.
Twelve tonight?
Can I make you a
more European offer?
A kiosk at midnight?
Sure, sure.
We should get going.
Congratulations on the novel.
It's been a ballbreaker.
- Bonnie said she loved it.
- She would.
And she's a ballbreaker.
I hope it's good. I put two
years of my life into it.
I've never worked longer
than 5 months on anything, so...
Heard what Eric Jeffers said?
She's working on a book about
experiences in the judicial system.
Ought to be a beaut.
Isn't Nola a little young
for David Delile?
He's your age, right?
I don't know.
How are you? Tired?
I got a little ulcer
problem here.
Poor baby. Got
a tummy ache?
Want your Pepcid?
- I checked. We're all out.
- We got some Mylanta.
Only Pepcid works for me.
I'll go to the 24-hour drugstore.
- This is bugging me.
- You going now?
- Yeah, it's a drag.
- I'm half-undressed.
You don't have to go!
You go to bed and...
Don't be silly.
I don't need an escort
to go to the...
I should get this fixed...
otherwise it'll bug me all night.
Be back soon, the moving men
are coming early tomorrow.
Yeah, I won't forget.
What's the time?
It's 11:45.
- See you soon.
- Give me a kiss.
- Very soon, okay?
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm beat.
Sorry I'm late.
Been waiting long?
You're not late.
Listen, I have to level with you.
I can't really go
anywhere right now.
I don't know where to begin.
My luck's been lousy.
I got myself into a situation,
for whatever reason.
I was married
for a long time.
I thought I'd be better
single and it's been great.
It's been wild,
but lonely too.
And I know I should've come
by for you when I met you...
and I didn't.
And I think I didn't because I
was wary of you...
because I knew you triggered
some real feelings inside me.
And yet again, I fucked up.
But I'm going to rectify
things before it's too late.
So please, what are
you doing tomorrow?
Is that you or your novel?
I'll be okay by
tomorrow, I promise.
I don't want to to cause
anyone any problems.
Sure. And David and you?
I've told David many times I
need someone to control me...
and I don't think he can do it.
And every guy
I meet...
thinks he'll be the one who'll
make me faithful. So be warned.
You should know
I don't scare easily.
I'm telling you because
you don't know me.
I know you, I've written
about you twice.
Twice you were the obscure
object of desire in my books.
The books failed.
My fault, not yours.
But I know you
inside out. It's scary.
Don't be misled.
You didn't make me up.
I'm telling that whatever
restlessness you've felt...
whatever moodiness
and unpredictability...
you've broken
hearts with...
and baby, you're
a heartbreaker...
it's all over
Where'd you get that confidence?
Or are you scared?
I'm not David.
I created you twice out
of my imagination.
I wrote about you before
I even knew you existed.
Except one day,
I knew I'd meet you.
Well, what am I thinking?
You're thinking, "I wish
he'd shut up and kiss me."
- But you're late.
- I'm not late.
I think I'm right
on time for you.
But why would I kiss you here with
your apartment two blocks away?
- How did you know?
- Why wouldn't I know?
You were "Steffi"
in my first book...
and "Louise" in my second...
and now you're Nola.
- Hello?
- Movers.
Come right up, please.
I'll leave the door open.
Wake up!
The movers are here
with my things.
Sorry about last night.
The second you left for
the drugstore I conked out.
You must've been so disappointed
when you got back.
- The moving men are here?
- Yup. It's 7:30.
- Listen, Bonnie.
- I made some coffee.
- Bonnie, listen.
- What is it?
I have to...
talk to you.
All right, I'm listening.
You got to listen.
- I've done a terrible thing.
- I bet it's a really bad thing.
- No, you should listen.
- All right.
I don't know how to say it, but...
- I wanna call this off.
- What are you talking about?
I know you'll think I'm the most...
fucked-up son of a bitch in
the world, and I am.
I'll try and be honest in
my own stupid way.
I met someone else, Bonnie.
You what?
Listen, I met someone else.
I met someone else. I don't
know how else to say it.
- How could you?
- You have every right to hate me.
- I just moved in yesterday.
- I'm just so screwed up.
I wish I could put
it another way, but...
I can't believe what I'm hearing.
- Moving in together...
- Yeah, it was your idea!
I know, and if I could explain it...
So when did you meet
this "someone else"?
- That's not important...
- No, it is!
I have rearranged my goddam life!
I know you did. And
this is so difficult to...
- You said you loved me!
- I said I thought I did.
And believe me, I wanted to.
- You're a wonderful person.
- Know what?
- You're a sick son of a bitch.
- You're right.
- That goes downstairs.
- Get the fuck out, please? Thanks.
Listen, I accept
full responsibility.
I'm a total asshole.
Yeah, you're a total asshole!
But I thought if I was honest
and brought it up openly...
that we could understand
that at least...
I truly do not mean
you any harm.
I know how you
feel and I feel so bad.
But if we just
accept me as sick...
and try to, I know it's
hard, remain rational...
then we can do this with
the minimum of disruption.
Naturally, you can store your
stuff here for a while and...
You're fucking psychotic!
Bonnie, this is hard and I
just don't know. I'm so...
Ah, boy!
What are you doing with my novel?
Now, that's an only copy!
Hey, buddy!
Did you see a woman come
out of here with a manuscript?
I saw a girl come out the door.
Where'd she go?
Tall girl?
Ran across the street.
In 5...
Now "Manhattan Moods"
goes live to our feature...
"Luncheon at Le Bijou."
Hi, I'm Robin Simon.
Welcome to Le Bijou...
New York's most
exciting restaurant...
where every day is a
potpourri of the city's...
most rich and
famous residents.
I'm sitting here
talking to Evelyn Isaacs...
Manhattan's most exclusive
real estate broker.
The woman who has situated...
- Is that correct?
- I like it.
The cream of the city's
most luminous residents.
You were saying you couldn't
get rock star Ennis Taylor...
into the apartment
he wanted.
The tenants didn't want the press
and groupies hanging around.
Must've been leery of wild parties.
Yes, but Ennis is not what
you'd think from his band.
He's not violent or destructive,
he's intellectual and sweet.
But the board of the co-op
had a problem with his snakes.
They had a problem with
the boa constrictor.
Any other big name turndowns?
No, but I got a beautiful triplex
for the Charles Aranows,
12 rooms on Park Avenue, and they
made one into a Hamptons room.
Tons of sand from Amagansett
to cover the floor. It's fun!
Well, thank you. I see.
It's time to table-hop...
so we can meet some of
the other exciting patrons...
who lunch typically at
Le Bijou.
Look who's here. Senator Bob
Paley! How are you?
We're here for the celebrity
golf tournament.
I play every year and
it's a good cause...
earning money for
the Heart Foundation.
They say I'll be paired
with Greg Norman.
Any comments about
the recent allegations?
I think when the facts are in, the
Justice Department will find...
I made an error of judgement,
without real intent of treason.
Moving right along...
I see Dee Bartholemew,
"Empress of Gossip".
Robin, hi. So rainy out today.
Just this gloomy weather.
But I love your pin.
Is that Georgian?
Thank you. No,
it's Art Nouveau.
Where'd you get it?
My first husband gave me it for
our 15th wedding anniversary.
When you say "first", do
I sense a second on the way?
I ran into Tony Gardella
at the Caf Carlyle.
He had a blissed-out look,
like he was in heaven.
How'd you manage to put
that smile on his face?
Using my head.
Any choice items
for our viewers?
Very prominent
has become pregnant on
visiting Buckingham Palace.
No names, please.
Well, thank you.
Look who's here!
Donald Trump.
What are you working on?
I'm working on buying
St Patrick's Cathedral...
doing a little rip-down job...
and putting up a tall,
beautiful building.
That's wonderful!
- You were great!
- Terrible!
You said you couldn't do it.
And I said, "Yes, you can."
No actress-turned-
- could do it as real as you did.
- I was a jerk.
You're not a jerk.
You were real!
No-one cares if it's unpolished.
They find it appealing.
It's your 15 minutes of fame.
I never believed what
Andy Warhol said...
that we're all famous for 15
minutes. Nice, but it's not true.
Almost nobody will ever be
famous for even one minute.
So enjoy it!
How did I swing this?
Last year I was teaching English,
performing a serious function.
And suddenly, through a
whirlwind series of events...
I become the sort of woman I've
always hated. But I'm happier.
You nervous
about Saturday?
Are you?
I'm counting the seconds.
My hands are sweating.
I never sweat.
- Got the ring?
- What am I, a schmuck? Sure!
Sophisticated. Very
educated. She sure is!
Oh, picture!
I like this girl.
I think she's terrific.
It's ironic.
You go to get face work...
and you meet a wonderful
guy who changes your life.
Better than face work.
- Think this looks okay?
- You look perfect.
I expected a bigger turnout.
Ma, they wanted to keep it small.
Isn't that...?
Al Swayze, a
friend of Tony's.
- Yeah, he...
- Does the weather.
Right, he does the weather
on channel...
Hello, how'd you do?
Thank you. My daughter, Iris.
So glad to meet you.
We enjoy your program.
Really? Nice to meet you too.
We watch you
give the weather.
You're usually wrong.
Occupational hazard, y'know?
But you're cheerful.
You're all so cheerful.
I can't find her.
Did you see her?
Did I...?
- What happened?
- She's not in the bathroom.
- You were with her.
- I don't know what happened to her.
Frankie, come on.
How can I relax?
She's gotta be here.
- What's going on?
- It's all right, Ma. Nothing.
I'm sure it'll all turn out okay.
She walked out,
alone. 15, 20 minutes ago.
- Where'd she go?
- I didn't see.
- You sure she was alone?
- Absolutely.
Frankie, go up and stall them.
I'm gonna look around.
- Where?
- I don't know!
You're out of your mind.
What'll I tell your parents?
- Everything's fine.
- I hope she's all right.
- What's going on?
- She's nervous, Ma.
She needs time
to fix her makeup.
Should I go help her?
- Tony's all right?
- Please don't go help her.
She'll come out.
Iris, just leave her alone.
She's gathering herself.
Want a reading?
Come on inside.
- I'll give you a nice reading.
- No, I'm just walking.
You look like you need a reading.
- Really?
- Come inside.
- Come on in.
- I don't believe in psychics.
You don't have to
for a reading.
So what do you do?
I work in television.
But you used to do something else?
Yes, I was a teacher.
I see...
the name Beowulf.
Oh my God!
Chaucer! I
taught Chaucer.
- Like some tea? Mint tea?
- I would love a drink.
I got a drink for you.
No problem.
So you like television better?
It's interesting to see who we
choose as our celebrities, and why.
What makes them tick.
You learn a lot about a society
by who it celebrates.
- Is this good?
- Yes, please.
Like, we did this show
on Sunny Von Bulow...
and she's a coma patient.
She lies there in a coma...
but she's a celebrity.
You were up there with
her. What happened?
She was okay. A little nervous.
Listen, I've got
bad news.
Here he is.
The wedding's off, so
why don't you all go home?
Thank you.
It's not gonna happen, Iris.
Just go home. Make sure
Mom gets there.
Are you all right?
Is she hurt?
No, nothing like that. Just go on.
- Thanks.
- I'll be home.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
It's all right. Just...
I'm here to help you.
You need a change
in your life.
You must reevaluate the
plans you were contemplating.
- I see you change your direction.
- I had planned to get married.
Perhaps it needs more scrutiny
before you decide.
- When was the wedding?
- Today.
I left him at the church with
his family and friends.
My God! What have
I done? I don't know!
If you're not sure you love him,
it's a mistake to go forward.
- I am sure. He's wonderful.
- So then I don't understand.
I feel guilty because I've
had such good luck.
Everyone I know has
so many problems.
They're lonely, needy. I
have this guy fall in my lap.
I still don't get it.
His name's Tony, and
I said, "You're terrific!"
"When will the other shoe drop?"
Some bad part of him that'll ruin things.
But there is no bad part.
- Well, you provided that.
- Me?
He's a wonderful guy, but
you screwed things up.
You said it yourself.
It's guilt.
You don't need a fortune
teller. You need a shrink.
- Me?
- You meet this wonderful guy, okay?
You can't believe something so wonderful
can happen to you.
So you ruin it.
I did a horrible thing.
He'll never forgive me.
Who could blame him?
You want your $10 of
psychic prediction?
He's going to forgive you.
Obviously, he's crazy about you.
Just because you've acted like a
horse's ass doesn't mean he will.
So you tell him
everything you told me...
and then...
you give him a big kiss.
We can be seen...
or don't you care?
I don't.
I care about you.
Emotionally it's exactly
where you should be.
I don't feel I'm there at all.
Trust it. We'll come
back to it tomorrow.
We'll stop now and
continue from here tomorrow.
I feel I know where she's coming
from, but she's contradictory.
Contradiction is good. Just don't
contradict yourself when you act.
Play one thing
at a time and trust it.
You have a hold on it.
Just don't look in the mirror.
Both of you.
Don't overplay the lust.
I know. She's a carnivore.
- Wanna have a drink?
- Yeah, love to.
We'll talk.
I just caught the ending.
Seems like a terrific scene.
It's great work.
- You didn't say you were coming.
- I was in the neighbourhood.
Thought I'd stop by to pick you up.
You know Greg.
- How you doing?
- Good to see you again.
- Going to Moran's round the corner.
- Do you wanna have that drink?
- I thought we'd walk home together.
- I want to talk to Greg.
- Thought you might want to walk.
- You know I'm in rehearsal!
I knew you'd be through by 5,
so what's the big deal?
I'm going to the bar, but
we can talk tomorrow.
- Don't crowd me! It's annoying.
- I'm not!
I came to pick you up.
Thought you'd be glad to see me.
- Things come up!
- Something's very wrong.
I stop by and it puts
you in a bad mood.
- It's because you don't trust me.
- Should I?
- Suspicious, that's your problem.
- You wanna sleep with the director.
- I'm not in the mood to argue.
- You said you loved me!
Why do you want me if
you don't trust me?
How can I? I turn my back
and you're off with someone.
I already told you, I
don't want to be closed in.
- So why are you living with me?
- I'm not! I've got an apartment.
- I just stay over most nights.
- I don't want to crowd you.
Let me get a drink and
go talk about the play.
"Fuck off so I can fuck the
director." I understand.
I am who I am. I told
you that when we met.
I always hope it'll be
different, but it never is.
You love me and you'll be hurt
if I give up on you.
So think about this.
Just go home.
We'll just enjoy the
time we have together...
and not complicate everything.
Everything doesn't
have to be questioned.
You're still saying, "Get lost
so I can sleep with the director."
Anyone would think I was
the whore of TriBeCa.
So would you be happy if I said
goodbye and never saw you again?
That wouldn't make me happy.
We haven't made love
in weeks. What is that?
Why do you want me, when I
just lie there like a dead fish?
But you didn't used to.
What happened?
It's me, okay.
It's me. Let's just stay in tonight
and not over-analyse everything?
What is it with the pills?
- Diet pills.
- Oh, please!
I give up.
So what do you want for dinner?
What should I buy?
I was going to ask
you to marry me.
No, penne...
with marinara.
Lee, right?
Phil Datloff. Bonnie brought
you to a party at my apartment.
Sure I remember you. You were very
kind. I passed out on your carpet.
- That I remember.
- That's right.
What happened to the book
you were toying with?
It just kind of...
floated away.
I thought about it the other day.
A culture that took a wrong
turn somewhere.
A flawed individual who
can't find himself.
That was my book.
Because V.J. Rajnipal,
a great writer...
just gave us a manuscript
on the same subject.
Really, the same subject?
A society where every single
member is famous.
There are no uncelebrated people.
Very satirical.
I'd like to have seen your
take on the same subject.
He's a great artist.
I could never...
- How's Bonnie?
- Fine. Great girl.
I think she sold
a screenplay.
We're at the star-spangled
premire of "The Liquidator".
Unfortunately for the beautiful
people, the weather hasn't held up.
But the show must go on.
Here's producer, Dalton Freed.
- Can you believe the weather?
- Unbelievable. How you doing?
Could be better.
Hasn't kept people away.
Is this your wife?
This is a young actress you'll
be hearing a lot about.
My wife, you know,
she's in rehab.
I've read the reviews.
Very interesting!
- I never read reviews.
- And your next project?
"Birth of a Nation", an
all-black version.
Can't wait.
Oh my gosh, Erno DeLucca,
who did Nicole Olivier's wigs!
I also did her werewolf makeup.
- Werewolf?
- Yes, twice.
- Good job. Nice to see you.
- Thank you.
There'll be lots of big celebrities
tonight. I'll keep my eyes peeled.
Here's the director. How are you?
What a night!
Incredible, like a typhoon. Are
you from the weather channel?
I hear in your film you actually
have a big rain sequence.
We have amazing effects,
almost like the real thing.
Actually, they're better.
Thank you. Enjoy your night.
We'll be rooting for it.
I'm really excited about it.
Nicole Oliver! Here she is!
One of the stars
with her husband.
You look beautiful. Show us
what you're wearing.
I'm soaked.
Unbelievable. You look great.
The lights, the ambience,
the greasepaint...
You can't swing a cat
without hitting a celebrity.
And the rain didn't
seem to deter many people.
I'm really excited.
The big premire!
Oh my gosh! Robin Simon
from "Manhattan Moods"!
Congratulations on your show,
your pregnancy, marriage, everything.
Doesn't she look beautiful?
Who knew angels flew so low?
Your show's taken off, and I'm
jealous. What about the rain?
- It's really something.
- It is!
Listen, have a great time.
You look incredible!
We got more people coming.
I see Sandor!
We feel sorry for him.
My goodness!
- What are you doing...?
- Incredible!
I haven't seen you for...
At the movies again!
This is my husband, Tony.
Nice to meet you.
Congratulations on everything.
- You're transformed!
- Such a surprise.
- It's not your kind of movie.
- I interviewed Nicole Olivier.
I read the interview.
It was marvelous.
Marvelous? Didn't that used to
be your least-favourite word?
- Stop it!
- Those crossword puzzles.
- Want some popcorn?
- I'd love some.
- Want a bag?
- That'd be great.
I can't believe...
Have I become insufferable?
- No, happy, confident and radiant.
- I am happy.
- Hi, Jack. Good to see you.
- Great article.
Robin Simon, I'm so excited
to meet you in person.
Thank you, darling.
I love your show.
Such a great broadcaster.
Aren't you sweet!
- God bless you.
- God bless you.
You're so radiant.
- Thank you. It's luck, Lee.
- Really?
No matter what the shrinks
and self-help books tell you.
Love is a question of luck.
I'm glad you were lucky.
You with anyone?
Not at the moment.
- What are you working on?
- Just the same...
A novel? A screenplay?
I did a huge interview at the old
actor's home. Very touching.
My Uncle Willie's there.
He asked about the autograph.
We did a report from
Charlie Manson's jail cell.
- So interesting.
- My nephew wanted his autograph.
- Oh, dear.
- Next time we're in California.
Here. Here you go.
Thanks for...
I don't want to hold you up.
Just, you know, it's really...
- And very nice to...
- Great to see you, Lee.
Really great to see you.
Hope you catch a break.