Celebrity Sex Tape (2012) Movie Script
1
[Speaking fantasy language]
[Speaking fantasy language]
Seriously, her pussy
is, like, falling out.
Someone needs to feed that thing
Before it eats her shorts.
[Speaking fantasy language]
What are you faggots talking about?
No. You must be mistaken.
We're not gay.
You choads were checking
out my ass, weren't you?
I-I-I wasn't.
Well, at least I'm not gay.
Fuck you.
Come on. Stick it in the hole! Yeah!
I got one more.
I got one more.
Bring it.
Bring it, baby.
Bring it, baby.
Bring it, baby.
Push it. Push it.
Let me see you stick it.
Oh, that's such a bulge.
What is that, like, 100 pounds?
No, it's 40.
Oh, okay, I got it.
Come on.
Bring it down.
I got one more.
I got one more.
Let's see that bicep bulge, baby.
Here we go.
Here we go. This is it.
I wanna see your bulge.
I wanna see your bulge.
It's a flex-off.
Oh, my God.
Yeah. You feel that?
Oh!
Oh, man, I felt your bulge.
Oh, God. My sweater's all nasty.
[Clears throat]
What's up?
Yeah, one English lit 435 paper.
The freudian interpretation
of the bell jar.
Yeah, put it...
Put it there.
The football team thanks you
For keeping me on the field.
Our pleasure.
Which is why I went ahead and got you guys
A little token of my gratitude.
Call it something special
For being so contingent.
Yeah.
Uh, consistent.
Yeah, whatever.
[Laughs]
You're gonna love this.
We can pledge next semester?
[Both laugh]
Oh, please. [Laughs]
Oh, lower it down.
Lower it down.
Oh, use my shit, bro.
Oh, my God.
That's what bros are for, bro.
You got that much game?
Oh, yeah.
Man, you shave your...
Dude, yeah, man.
Chicks dig it.
Oh, Jesus, that was good.
Oh, my.
Where was I?
You were about to give us
$300 for the homework.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, I thought, like, this time,
Something instead of money.
No way, man.
We said 300.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up, Frodo and Frodette.
Oh, burn!
Oh, yeah!
Anyway, yeah, so I made some calls
And, like, I could get you guys
Into what promises to be...
Wait for it...
The best party of the decade
Tomorrow night.
We're listening.
No, thanks.
Yeah.
No.
No.
Yeah.
Right. Well, maybe you guys have heard
Of the Hollywood fucking hills.
Anyway, yeah, my boy's working the door,
And I can't go because, uh,
Well, I'm fucking both of your moms
In the ass.
Oh, burn!
Oh, it burns so good.
Jk, bro, jk.
I mean, this is probably going to be
The most pussy there's ever been
In one place guaranteed.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, no B.S., bra.
Thanks for the offer, but we want the money.
The money?
Okay. All right.
Hey, it's your call.
I mean, I just thought maybe you guys,
Like, actually wanted to get laid
And go to a party
Before you graduate...
Or die.
Oh, double burn.
Twice.
Yeah, have fun staying at home
With your whack pack of super nerd shut-ins.
Oh!
Doing whatever, man.
All right.
I'll get the cash.
Wait!
An opportunity like this
Only comes once in a lifetime.
You let him gyp us out of $300.
How's that an opportunity?
It's time we stopped playing video games.
We need to get some tail
physically, not digitally.
We speak elvish, okay?
Nobody even wants to be
In the same time zone as us,
Let alone a Hollywood party.
I'm not going, man.
No way.
Dude, don't take your blue balls out on me
Just because your girlfriend
locked her pussy up in fort knox
And gave the key to Jesus.
Shut up, dude.
No, I'm not going alone.
You're going.
Well, then we're not going,
And we're out three bills,
So that's great.
Fine. I'll go with the clan.
The clan?
Yeah, let's see.
Kwan barely speaks English,
Marcus' condition doesn't allow
him to talk to girls,
Doug's restraining order
Canvasses all of Los Angeles.
I'm pretty sure that includes the hills.
Look, I'm sick and tired
Of you moping around all the time.
You need to get laid.
Whatever.
No, no.
Just because my grandma
Has a better sex drive than your girlfriend
Doesn't give you an excuse to be a cock.
Forget about my relationship.
Look, you're either going solo,
Or you're not going at all.
And if you do decide to go,
I'm gonna laugh my ass off
When you get kicked out.
Speak of the devil and she appears.
And in her mormon undergarments, no less.
Shut the fuck up, man.
No, dude. It's time to draw a line in the sand
Or move on.
Your virginity's not getting any younger.
You gonna finally have the talk?
I've been trying.
Hey!
Hello, Ed.
Hey.
Loser.
Goodbye, Ed.
[Speaking fantasy language]
Yeah.
So I was wondering.
Maybe we could go to nona's tonight
And hang out with their youth group for a while.
I don't know, Kim.
What do you not know about?
I think just maybe we should talk.
Okay. What's the matter?
The same thing that's been the matter
For the past three and a half years.
The sex thing again?
Look, I know it's a broken record.
It's just, I have to...
I have to lay down the law.
The law?
I don't wanna go through college a virgin.
You know what?
Just go back to your porn stars
and your hand lotion.
Leave Emily Addison out of this.
Ross, just met me at youth group tonight.
Arghhhh!
Okay.
Maybe after, we could do some
under the clothes touching?
If you're good.
All right.
See you later.
Fuck!
Hey, get to work.
I'm not paying you $4.99 a minute
Just to get to know you better.
Hey, Doug, fuck you, okay?
If you weren't our webmaster.
You'd probably be working at
a drive-through somewhere.
Burger boy.
Hey, there is nothing in the law
That says I cannot spend
money where I work.
Now suck titty.
Okay, ladies, let's slay us a dragon.
Kwan, sign on.
Kwan-ho, let's go.
Ed: Marcus?
Artemis at the ready.
Let's go.
Look, I know I helped your ass-burgers
To get into character, Balakas,
But lay off the R.P.
Hey, no, no, no.
What are you doing?
You're pro.
You don't need me to talk you through this.
Fucking Doug.
Seriously, after the game, dude.
Look, my dick needs attention.
Fat ass.
Oh, you wanna play?
I can do that.
Time for a raid.
Shit.
Take that, bitch!
[Girls laughing]
Marcus!
Hear me! Hear me!
Hear you? Aye.
Yeah!
Aah! Ha ha ha!
Douglas J.K.
That was hella funny.
Whoo! And I recorded that shit, too.
Upload. That's gonna get
so many fucking views.
Fuck this! I'm gonna kick
your fat fucking ass.
Ladies, I just did an epic raid.
Let's do this.
Is it beating fast for you, Gina?
Oh, yes, it is.
Get out here, snack boy.
You're about to get a long overdue ass-whupping.
Oh!
Oh!
That fat ass will jerk off forever.
Lick my dick.
Yes, lick kwan's penis, you dick.
[Speaking fantasy language]
No.
No.
You know, he's like your little brother
That, like, never gets laid, you know?
Oh... Oh...
Hey, what the fuck?
You're on the clock.
Not cool.
You should never intentionally wipe a raid.
I'm gonna report you to buck.
I'm the best webmaster
That the porndarosa's got.
You gotta be nice to me.
By the way, funboy,
Buck said that you better get
current on your bill
Or he's gonna fire your ass.
The last time buck fired someone,
He literally fired a shot at them.
At their ass.
Log out.
Hey, guys?
Guys?
Guys? Look, I'm just fucking around, guys.
Come on.
Porno's off. Let's go.
Guys?
Damn that shit.
Whoo!
Whoo!
Play it cool, guys.
[Speaking broken English]
What was I thinking?
We don't belong here.
Marcus, need a drink, man?
What do I do to get one?
Turn around.
Ask the waitress.
Waitress: What can I get you?
You don't need to get me anything,
I don't think.
Wait, maybe you do.
He'll have a Jack and coke.
Maybe we should split up.
We won't attract as much attention.
Good idea.
The museum.
Come on.
I got enough data stored in my spank bank
To jerk off for the next four years.
Are you blind?
We gotta get out of here.
They know we're not supposed to be here.
We're gonna get our asses kicked.
I'm fucking one of these
chicks tonight. You watch.
Get it through your head, Ed.
No chicks are gonna touch us.
[Footsteps]
She's not wearing any underwear.
I know.
Oh. [Giggles]
Oh, God.
She's doing coke.
[Snorts]
What does she want?
Oh, shit.
You scared me.
How did you get in here?
Oh, I, uh...
[Laughs]
It's okay, darling.
Listen, you kind of caught me
white handed here,
So you know what that means.
I'll give you a little bump.
No, thanks. I...
Come on. It's good.
Wait a minute. Wait.
You're mellony Adams.
You were in thunder run 3.
Holy shit.
[Laughs]
That piece of shit?
Oh, my God.
You killed my sister.
And now you have to...
[Together]
Face my wrath!
Best catch phrase ever. Yeah!
God, what...
No, no, no, no.
Listen, you try to be typecast at my age,
And you take every fricking loathing line
And you try to make it
into this... Something.
Except... Except...
For these lines.
[Laughs]
Oh, man.
Whoo! Damn!
Whoo-hoo!
Try it.
It's really good.
Whoo!
It's so good,
It make you wanna move, doesn't it? Whoo!
No, it hurts.
[Laughs]
Listen, what's your name?
Ed.
Oh, yeah? Ed?
I know we just met, Ed,
But would you like to drink
A little champagne with me?
Whoo! Yeah!
You don't belong here, asshole.
I beg your pardon?
He's talking to you, poindexter.
Look, we're gonna throw you the fuck out
Unless you do something for us.
Like what?
Kind of hot in here, though.
I think I'm overdressed.
Ed, could you help me with that, please?
Oh, that's no problem.
No problem.
Here we go.
Wow, my friends are never
gonna believe I did this.
This is fucking insane.
Well, it's good to get a little
crazy sometimes, darling.
Yeah. This may be a little off subject,
But you haven't heard of any
of those new cell phones
That have cameras and record videos.
I don't know.
I must have one.
Oh, shut up and grab my rocking tits.
That's what I call a catch phrase.
Whoo!
Whoa!
Whoo! [Giggles]
This is gonna be fun.
See that sizzling hot
blonde chick over there?
The one next to that huge MMA
looking motherfucker.
Affirmative.
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna walk your
puny little ass over there,
And you're gonna ask her,
Can I get all up in that labe?
Labe? Are you referring
To that lady's labia majora?
Hey, we call it labe for short.
Kwan.
Oh, yes!
Yes, right there.
Oh! Oh, yes.
Holy shit, you better be recording this.
What?
Nothing.
[Moaning]
Oh, yes, Ed.
Teach my pussy.
Sex me, Ed.
Sex-Ed.
Teach my pussy.
Yeah!
you know you gals, you kind of sexy
don't let no man tell you
that you ain't nothing
they're trying to abuse you
and make you feel like...
you can do way, way better than that
you can do way, way...
Oh, man, Ron's gonna fuck that kid up.
No doubt.
Um... Hello. Hi.
Um, those gentlemen over there
Are asking me to ask you, um...
If I could get up in your labe.
Excuse me?
If I could get up in your labe.
But I think they were referring
to you labia majora
Or the fold of skin on the
outsides of your vagina
Encasing the vulva.
Oh, my fucking God.
Ron, did you hear
What he was just telling me?
What's up, babe?
What?
Aah!
from there, you can do
way, way better than that
you can do way, way better than that
Pshht.
What a dick.
Motherfucker!
Shit, is that Mellony Adams?
Aah!
Oh, my God.
I fucked Mellony Adams,
And I have proof.
Best night of my fucking life.
Oh, my God. Wait until Doug hears about this.
Roll up the window, man.
What are you doing?
Oh, my God. Marcus needs to go to a hospital.
You okay?
Did I get to see her labia?
[Speaking broken English]
I deem the knockout to be worth it.
Dudes, we hung out with actual girls.
I'm glad you're okay.
He's okay.
He's okay. Whoo!
Best 300 bucks we've ever spent.
Epic win!
Epic win!
Epic won.
me and my wang
just hanging out on the porch
drinking a beer
hand down my pants and doing my thing
I'm drinking a beer and playing with my wang
whoo hoo-hoo hoo-hoo-hoo
[Imitating guitar solo]
Oh, where the fuck you guys go?
Oh, nowhere,
Except the most epic party in history.
Bam! Go ahead.
Take a look.
Wait. Is that...
Is that...
Mm-hmm.
Mellony motherfucking Adams.
Maybe you've seen her before
in every movie ever made.
I hope you enjoyed your masturbatory evening
In solitude, Douglas.
Okay, fuck you guys.
Why didn't you invite me?
Next time don't ruin our raid.
Maybe you'll get an invite.
Oh, I've gotta go to sleep.
I think I have a concussion,
And I'm extremely inebriated.
Me, too.
Good night, dick.
All right, you guys got me.
I'm a douchebag.
I'm sorry...
That you forgot your fucking phone.
Oh!
You know, it'd be a goddamn shame
If this video were to somehow make its way
To the worldwide web.
Holy fucking shit. Did
last night really happen?
Yes, it really happened.
I boned Mellony Adams?
Yep.
And Kwan was there, too?
I'm trying to eat.
Yep. I got it all on my phone.
Look, you guys can watch it back
a million times if you want,
But it has to stay between us, okay?
We can get into a shitstorm of trouble
If anybody sees it.
Fuck that. I want the world to
know what a stud I am.
I boned Mellony Adams.
It doesn't get any non-gayer than that.
I'd rather bang Halle Berry.
Britney! Britney!
Or Eva Mendez.
Emily Addison.
You guys are just jealous
that I dabbled the dipstick
In some Hollywood cream-sashine.
Okay, Ed, come on.
Seriously.
Think about it, okay?
We only got into that party
Because of Delaney's buddy.
We weren't really invited,
So technically we can get arrested
for trespassing.
Not to mention, we kind of filmed
a sex tape without consent,
So there's always that.
What good is bonking a babe
If I can't tell anybody?
It's enough that we know, right?
Oh, my God.
It is you. Sex-ed.
Oh, my God.
And you're Kwan-zai.
Oh, and you poor baby.
Got your jaw broken
Without having any of the fun.
Actually, it's just a contusion
of the zygomatic bone
With some secondary bruising
on the left mandible.
Whatever. [Laughs]
Well, we look forward
To seeing more of you in action, stud.
Come on.
All: Fucking Doug!
Hey! Hey! Hey, dude.
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Hey, you!
Hey, sweetie.
What the heck, Ross?
You don't answer my texts now?
When? Oh, Nona's.
Yeah, Nona's I waited there for two hours
Looking like a jerk.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Let's do it tonight.
I have study group.
I promise I'll make it up to
you sometime, okay?
Num-num!
Bye.
Num-num.
Dude, no one turns me away like that.
Dude.
You wanna try it again?
Yeah, let's get back.
Oh, man, did you moisturize this morning?
Yeah, every morning.
Of course I did.
[Moaning]
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
Hold up. Hold up.
Doug, bend over so I can
burn your fucking balls.
Oh, hey! Hey, man!
She was about to stick her
whole foot in her mouth.
You get on that pornderosa site right now
And take down that video.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You post last night's sexcapade
On a fucking porn site you work for.
[Clapping]
You figure that all out by yourself, Sherlock?
But once again, you're only half right.
You see, a video of that great quality
Deserves its own website
So that everyone can see it in all its glory,
And I would hate to deprive people
Of that now. [Laughs]
I'm gonna shove that mouse
right down your fucking piehole
If you don't take it down right now.
I'm afraid you douchebags
are a little too late.
Check it out.
You're an overnight celebrity, my friend.
Over three and a half million
hits and counting.
Holy shit. Awesome!
No, not awesome.
Take it down!
Okay.
That's it.
Get rid of this.
No, no, no. I'm never gonna
get that kind of pussy again.
Guys. Guys. Guys!
The God damn cat's out of the bag.
This thing is viral.
[Knock on door]
Hey, must be some of my fan club.
Answer it, Marcus.
Got to let them come to me.
Like that, Satchmo?
'Cause Vinny here,
He can serve up sex real quick.
All right, everybody over here now.
Sit down. Come on.
Sit down!
Hmm.
I don't know, Danny.
Which one do you think is the mastermind?
It sure as hell ain't Jackie
Robinson over here.
Or jabba the Hut.
Or Wang Chung.
Maybe...
Just maybe...
It's the little prick who fucked my client
On the Internet.
Maybe...
Just maybe...
The prick didn't know that fucking my client
Was like you're fucking me!
You all right?
You sure?
Where are my manners?
Huh?
Was I raised in the woods?
Mm-mmm.
No.
Well...
Let me introduce myself.
I'm Benny Silva.
I'm a talent manager,
And my client is Mellony Adams.
You had sex with her against her will,
Recorded it and put it on the Internet.
It wasn't against her will.
She totally wanted my rod.
No speaking out of turn.
Shut the fuck up!
I could have all of you
arrested for trespassing,
Making pornography against
the will of my client,
Defamation.
The list goes on and on.
Hey, man, it was them.
I had nothing to do with it.
I wasn't even there.
Come on, brother.
I had nothing to do with it...
Shut up!
Then why was it uploaded
From your fucking computer?
[Squeals]
Nobody likes a snitch.
And I sure as hell don't want to see
A group of fine young men like yourselves...
Going to jail.
So that's why I'm offering you
Another option.
Whatever it is, we'll take it. Anything.
You are going to pay me
a half a million dollars
In the next 30 days.
Or you're going to end up
A bunch of pretty little
jailhouse bitches,
Dead in a ditch,
Or both.
[Urinating]
Accidents happen.
Oh, God, we're so fucked.
It's not so bad.
I mean, half a million sounds like a lot,
But there's five of us.
We could donate blood.
Or a kidney.
Black market kidneys
Sell for an average of $20,000.
Unless you got 20 extra kidneys stashed away,
That ain't gonna work.
We could rob a bank.
Rob a bank to not go to jail.
Yeah, that's brilliant.
Yeah, hey, at least I'm coming
up with ideas here.
It's your great ideas that got
us into this in the first place.
You could have stayed at home
with your girlfriend
And not had sex again.
No, fuck you.
Fuck you.
No, fuck Kwan.
Actually, I'm the one getting
screwed here.
I'm just saying.
Technically, I've sustained
the most serious injuries.
Shut up. Everyone shut up please.
Damn, if we were chicks,
We could strip our way to a
half million no problem.
I'd make extra 'cause I
wouldn't shave my bush.
What? It's a great way to half a mil.
Why not just go all the way and make a porn?
You could star in hot and hairy volume 69.
That's it!
[Chuckles] 69.
You gonna grow a vagina?
No, dude,
We can't strip our way to a half million,
But we can screw our way to it.
We've just got to make more sex tapes.
That's the complete opposite
Of what we should do.
Dude, dude, all we have to do
Is find some willing has-been celebrities
And convince them to have sex on camera.
It's insane exposure.
All anyone's been talking about all day
Is Mellony Adams.
Just the pervs on campus, man.
Not actually.
I mean, she's trending pretty hard.
Top five searches on the Internet.
Okay. Why can't they just make
their own tapes?
I mean, why would they need us?
'Cause we've got a proven track record.
Our video has...
17 million.
17 million hits.
Think about it.
Exposure.
I don't know.
Doug can set up the websites.
We'll watch the cash roll in.
I just...
You got any better ideas?
I didn't think so.
Where can we find a chick
That's desperate enough
To bang her way back to fame?
I know of a venue that will have
Several of those female individuals
in attendance currently.
There's Shelby Jones.
She played a Valkyrie Berserker
On blood and breath swords,
Seasons two through five.
Dude, I'll totally Rragnarok her world.
Hi, Mrs. Jones.
I really like it in episode 312
When you beheaded the evil hydro
After drinking the invincibility potion.
Thanks, kid.
So you want an autograph or...
Oh, will you have sexual intercourse
With my friend Ed and allow us to videotape it
So that we can make money and
pay off someone who's blackmailing us?
Christ. You little shits get
weirder every year.
Sorry, sorry.
He's just joking.
He's just acting out a scene
in episode 478.
You know, when the evil prince comes...
That's crazy.
There's no episode...
[Coughs] Shut up.
It'll be a tremendous for your career.
Just let Ed and I do it, okay?
You got to find the right chick,
One who's washed up.
Desperate, but still kind of hot.
Someone with a bit of a sexy background.
Forget it, man.
This isn't going to work.
Let's just go pack for jail.
Bingo!
[Chuckles]
Jillian Baines.
Lieutenant Commander Zolara
On orient five seasons one through four.
Zolara was a completely realistic android
With six times the intensity
of normal human strength
And telescopic vision.
She died saving the starship hyperion
From a quantum singularity.
Fascinating.
I've heard about her.
The show's creators killed her character off
After some nude photos of her surfaced...
Which I still own, by the way...
Plus she is a total drunk.
Never showed up to the set on time.
Ahh... Yeah.
What are you doing?
Excuse me?
Look at all these dried up old hags
Trying to cling to the last bit of money
They can make for a job they
did 10 years ago.
But you...
You're in your prime.
You just need the right opportunity.
Are you trying to sell something?
Because I can call security, all right?
You got to register three weeks in advance
If you wanna be a vendor here.
The only thing I'm trying to sell you
Is a chance to reinvigorate your career.
Do you have an Uncle
That's the head of a studio or something?
Better. I'm the studio, the agent,
And the costar.
You ever heard of a little thing
called the Internet?
Are you retarded?
Like a fox.
Did you see that little video
With Mellony Adams?
Yeah. It's blowing up everywhere.
It's on TMZ, Entertainment Tonight, Extra.
Everybody's talking about it.
I would kill for that kind of coverage.
You don't have to kill.
I'm the guy in that video.
You?
Me.
You know they're calling you
Sex-Ed on the blogs.
Oh, yeah.
So you're offering...
A refresher course.
Hmm.
All right, I'll fuck you.
[Chuckles]
But it's gonna take a lot of liquid courage.
Show's over.
Aw, damn it. It's not the right mount.
Tripod shots are 75% steadier than handheld,
And that number goes up to 350%
For shots zoomed in more than four times.
Shut up.
Get the lube.
Ooh.
You know, if Ed can't do
this whole thing by himself.
I can always jump in and take over, you know.
Sorry, fat-ass.
This is a one-man show.
Just get the website together, okay?
All right, come on, guys.
She's gonna be here any second.
Let's go.
Hello.
So...
Who wants to fuck the hottest
robot in this quadrant? Huh?
Huh? You?
Ooh.
Somebody's ready to launch.
Over here.
Over here!
Oh, yes.
There's my stud.
So you gonna fuck me like Mellony?
Are you?
Hell, yeah.
Action!
I don't wanna film this.
Shoot, shoot, shoot.
My mission is to find out what happens
When you stick your probe balls deep.
[Laughs]
Party time, space girl.
Yeah. Huh?
Okay.
[Laughs] Ooh, robot on robot sex
Is hot and heavy.
Oh, yeah, baby. Ooh.
I was sent to study
The sexual reproduction rituals
Of your species.
Huh? I'm a fucking android.
I don't have a species.
Excuse me, but technically speaking,
Androids can build other androids
And therefore be classified as a species.
Get out of the shot.
All right. All right.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah.
I was about to insert
My hard disk into your v-drive unit.
[Moaning]
Oh, God. [Chuckles]
Next mission, you're gonna drill for oil
On the moon. [Laughs]
Negative. Negative.
Negative.
No, no. We are going to stick
to cave exploration
On this expedition.
Fine. Yeah, give it to me.
[Moaning]
You've penetrated.
You've penetrated my force field.
You're gonna have to make a direct hit
To make me cum. Yeah.
Stay on target.
Stay on target.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Ohh...
Oh, God. Look at the size of that thing.
Kwan-zai!
[Splat]
Hey, Ross, it's Kim.
Uh, just calling to say hello.
So where have you been, silly goose?
I've just, you know, been
worried sick about you,
And, um... All right, well,
just call me
When you're not too busy, I guess.
Bye.
Arghhhh!
Holy fucking shit.
Up to 17 million hits in only three days.
Unbelievable.
Taking into account the exponential
nature of these videos
With a minimal coefficient of 16.3,
And now with two videos,
If you refresh the screen,
We should have 17,274,000 hits now.
That mans with the advertising revenue
Growing at a rate of 14.43 per 300k,
That we will be able to
come up with the money.
We just need to keep producing videos.
We need to find some new girls.
Where do we go to find them?
Uh, guys.
I don't think that's gonna be a problem.
[Laughs]
We need to hang out more, Ross.
I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.
Yeah, I know.
I've just been really busy
With studying, school, and stuff,
you know.
Yeah, well, you should come to
my study group.
I think it would really
help you concentrate.
Like, I really don't see
how you get anything done
Living in that house with a bunch of losers.
Ross?
Ross?
Have you heard anything I just said?
Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Studying.
We can do that sometime.
Yeah, look, I gotta get back to work...
Uh, studying for work.
Okay.
I gotta go, okay?
Bye.
Yeah.
Uh, Ross?
Isn't it that way?
Yeah. [Laughs]
Guess so.
Thank you.
Okay, so who's up to bat?
Former reality TV personality Debbie Ballard.
She's the one that ate that bull cock
To win a challenge.
Sorry, kwan. She's actually
got a special request.
Nope. Black.
Classic mud shark.
Marcus.
I can't.
Sure, you can.
It's easy.
In, out, in, out, in, out.
I can't do it.
It's gonna be outside,
So it'll help you with your
claustrophobia.
We're actually going for some
better production value.
Seriously, I don't think I can.
You can and you will.
Okay.
Okay.
Good.
Better dust off your cock, Knave.
You're on deck.
No, not happening.
No way.
Yes way.
You know how much money we'd make
If you lost your cherry on camera?
Virgins are big business, dude.
Like, I don't care.
Look, I don't mind helping you guys out,
But I will never, ever
have sex on camera, okay?
Shut the fuck up, you two.
We're gonna be late for Marcus' scene.
It's time to build the course.
[Gulp]
[Whistle]
Challenger, in order to win this,
You must up that bucket with water.
That doesn't sound hard.
You have 30 seconds
While I shoot at you with a paintball gun.
Go!
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Oh, God!
Move it, you loser.
I'm coming.
Move it!
I'm coming. Oh, God.
I'm coming.
Come on!
Come on, you pussy!
Hey!
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Four!
One!
You did it!
[Panting]
Come claim your prize.
Okay.
Time to go head first.
Yeah!
Whoa.
That's it.
Munch away, brother.
Like mashed potatoes and gravy.
Oh! Oh, yeah.
[Gasping]
I can't breathe.
My pussy's got all the oxygen you need.
Actually, there's only 6.8 ounces of oxygen
In the average vagina.
That would last a man my size
About 12 uninterrupted
minutes theoretically.
Shut up!
Yeah! Yeah!
Aah! I'm gonna blow!
What?
I'm a squirter. Yeah!
[Splat]
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
My inhaler.
My inhaler.
My inhaler.
So is she.
[Groaning]
My inhaler!
Oh, my God.
That's that guy.
That's Ed.
I heard he boned Raven Simone.
Yeah?
Yeah.
And tea-bagged Meg Ryan.
Fuck, yeah.
[Laughs]
I mean, you got to make sure to moisturize.
It's the most important thing.
Dude, I only use lotion
for when I masturbate.
Dude, you're not even capitalizing
On what lotion can do.
I mean, dude, check out my muscles.
Let me get some of that.
Get some.
Get on that.
Why would you even be waiting on anything?
I mean, just do it.
Right?
So soft and...
Ed!
Ed, dude!
What's up, brah?
Come here.
Yeah, bring it in, Ed.
Bring it in.
Yeah, what's...
Hey. Oh, dude,
You should come by the house tonight.
Oh, man, it's going to be a rager.
Oh, man, we're gonna have kegs,
Drugs. [Laughs]
Sluts. Sluts.
Definitely sluts.
All right,
Who's the next contestant on
"fuck me famous"?
We're still getting a shit ton
of fucking emails.
I just got one from a Liz Cooper.
Liz Cooper played Coach Shearson
In seasons two and three of Hoops High.
Okay.
Uh, Katie Mayer.
Katie Mayer played Janey the secretary
On the first season of Chicago Sons.
Holy shit.
She just sent us a nice little
photo of herself here.
Look at that ass.
Marcus!
Ross?
Asperger.
Uh, Marcus?
You're acting really weird today.
Did you take your medicine?
What, nothin'.
Oh, hi.
Hey, babe, what's going on?
Hi.
Uh, what's going on here, Ross?
Oh, just hangin' out.
Bein' dudes.
Looking at dirty porno on the Internet.
[Laughter]
Jk, no we're not.
We're playing card games and such.
[Laughs]
Oh, well, well.
What have we here?
Looks like our friend Jillian Bane
Just got a series regular gig
on the new CSI: Jersey.
She's going to be playing
A junkie hooker-slash-police informant.
Huh. Wow.
She went from not working
for the past six years
To getting a series regular
gig on a big network show.
Wonder what caused that, Ross.
What?
I wouldn't know.
I don't know.
Yeah, um...
Ross, can I talk to you outside?
Of course.
Dick.
Hey, if I'm not getting laid, nobody is.
So, uh, what's going on?
You're not answering my texts,
Your phone goes straight to voicemail.
I mean, if I didn't know any better,
It's like you're trying to avoid me.
No. I'm not...
I don't know.
I've just been really busy with, you know,
School and studying and other stuff.
But, hey,
You know you're the most
important thing to me, right?
Right?
I'm sorry I've been a bit distant lately.
Um, I was on the hill just
now and I saw Ed,
And, you know, palling around
With, um, Delaney Mulroy and, um...
Anyways, he gave me a letter for you,
Told me to give it to you.
Really?
Ed: "Ross dog, sex ed here.
"I'm taking a little vacation
from fucking on camera.
"Me and Delaney are going to slay
"Some sorority gash all weekend.
"But the show must go on.
"We've only got 200k left to make.
"So make sure to shoot a few videos.
"Man up, brah!
Sex Ed, out."
Oh, fuck.
Hey, watch your language.
Sorry.
Hey, I'm gonna skip my third
period psych class.
Do you want to go grab a bite to eat?
Yes.
Fuck, yeah.
Me, too.
I'm starving.
Get some. Get some.
Yeah.
Come on, dawg.
Kill it.
I can do this.
I'm the game master.
I got this.
Oh, come on.
[All three talking]
Hi, guys.
Is now a good time?
Well, can't you see that I am bus...
[Laughs]
Ahh.
Well...
Hi.
Ohh.
Isn't this special? Huh.
We got the whole fucking band here.
Ross and the skid marks.
Now, you...
Got some really big, hairy balls.
To keep taking advantage
Of those desperate girls on videotape.
No, no, no, Danny.
Uh, "Mr. Silver."
Mr. Silver, look, they...
They're contacting us, okay?
We've got all these low-rent
actresses emailing us.
[Laughing] Now, Mr. Silver, he's lying,
Your majesty.
I saw Ross talk to a girl. I did.
Jillian Banes at the comic convention.
I know. I know.
Now, that drunk bitch's career
ended years ago.
She was already dead in the water.
Nobody was ever going to
cast her again in anything.
Not until the whole world sees
Her getting her cyborg bush plowed online.
It's kind of weird, I know.
Mmm...
So that's why you shit stains
Are going to keep making your
videos with my new clients.
[Laughing]
Oh, there's no need to worry, fellas,
There's enough to go around, okay?
Yes.
And the muff scuba diver,
You're going to get another chance.
[Laughing]
Ichiro,
Get ready to get back in the game, son.
And even your dungeon master's
high-cholesterol ass
Is getting on the pussy treadmill.
What does that even mean?
Oh, yeah.
And your cameraman,
He'll have to dip his wick, too.
That's a fucking promise.
The chat room trolls
Are suckers for lily white virgins.
Ross?
Oh, now, what do we have here?
Hi. Kim.
Mmm. I'm Ross' old friend, Danny.
You're very, very attractive.
Are you an actress?
No.
Have you done any acting, uh...
Online?
Look, that's enough.
Oh, she's more than enough.
I'd really love to stay and chat a while,
But I must get going.
Kim, huh?
I'll be in touch.
You start tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Start what?
What? Uh...
What was that?
Uh, we don't really know him.
He's just one of Ed's friends.
He seems like a real slime ball.
Okay, can we go eat now?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay.
Holy shit, man.
Was he for real?
He's trying to Jack us
for our fucking sex tapes.
With his own docket of
unemployed entertainers.
This could be bad.
Never thought I'd say this, guys,
But I think we need Ed back.
Guys,
I peed my pants again.
She's here.
Who is it?
It's Meg Lingbren,
The actress that played Natalie Bernard
On the show Sin City P.D.
Oh, yeah.
I remember that show.
Holy shit.
Oh, my God, is it that showgirl?
Uh, no.
The hot detective?
No.
What?
Who is...
It's not the...
It's the chief.
How's it goin'?
So, which one of you boys
is gonna fuck me?
Answer, answer.
Ed, answer, answer, answer.
[Frat boys chanting]
Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!
[Cell phone ringing]
Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!
Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!
Sex Ed's phone!
Ross: Ed!
No, no, no, this is Delaney!
This is Delaney!
Sex Ed's busy pounding some brew dogs!
Put him on the phone, Delaney!
It's important!
All right, all right.
Shit!
There's only one thing to do, guys.
What?
Put 'em up.
Okay.
One, two, three.
Oh! God damn it!
Okay, okay, okay.
One, two, three.
Motherfucker.
Yeah, okay.
One, two, three.
Yes.
Take all the time you need, man.
It's okay.
It's all right.
[Somber music playing]
Son, it must be late there.
What's the matter?
They're with you always in your heart.
Through the most troubling times.
Kwan.
[Thud]
[Slow-motion shout]
[Shouts]
It's our biggest hit yet.
I guess people like seeing you
have giant knee-shooter jugs
Block out the sun.
This isn't cool, man.
I mean, look at kwan.
Now, we've gotta call the cops.
Impossible. Marcus, how much are we short?
$171,453.44.
We fucked our way into the tunnel,
And now we can see some light.
Yeah, whatever you say, Sex Ed.
What's that supposed to mean?
[Boing]
Wait. D-bag Silver just emailed us.
We got another client.
Who is it?
Oh, this should be interesting.
Says here plushy fetish.
I got this.
Yeah, yeah totally.
Show us how it's done, Sex Ed.
I will, virgin.
Fuck me, bucky!
Fuck me!
Yeah! Yeah, dick me, Bucky.
Dick me, dick me!
I'm gonna dick you!
Bucky, fuck me!
Oh, she's got some serious issues.
She played cheerleader Abby Collins
On Lakeway Heights for six seasons.
After the show was canceled,
she played another cheerleader,
Darcy Cummings, on Thousand
Palms for four seasons.
Yeah, I love it when you talk
dirty to me.
Talk dirty to me.
Okay, um...
You like bucky, bitch?
No!
No?
No, say it like Bucky.
Say it like Bucky.
[High-pitched voice]
You like Bucky, bitch?
No, chirp like a chipmunk!
Chirp, motherfucker!
Chirp!
[Chirping]
Yeah! Yeah!
[Laughing]
Dude.
[Both laugh]
Yeah!
Fuck me, Bucky.
[Knock on door]
Fuck me! Yeah!
Yeah, dick me, Bucky!
Dick me! Dick me!
[Gasps]
Ross, Kim's at the door.
Ross, Kim's at the door!
Cover for me.
What?
I'm not here.
No.
All right, get going.
Hey, guys.
Hi, Kimberly.
Where's, uh...
What happened to you?
Okay, whatever.
Where's Ross?
He's not here right now in this room.
Not right now.
We'll tell him you stopped by.
What are you wearing?
Black people clothes.
[Girl moaning]
What was that?
We are performing a live action
role playing exercise.
Yeah. [Chirping]
[Both chirping]
Okay, okay, you guys have fun.
Tell Ross to call me.
Okay.
Bye.
Oh, God, I almost had a fucking
heart attack.
[Laughing]
Dude, brah!
Oh, man.
Way to pound it, Sex Ed.
Yeah.
What a freak.
And I think I almost threw my
back out, too.
What's wrong with you?
Oh, my God. Kim almost busted us, man.
Oh, my God.
If she would've known I was in here,
She'd have grabbed a knife
and killed us all.
She would have.
Hey, there, chirpy chippers.
Where the hell do you think you're going?
I wasn't done with you.
Sorry, babe.
This squirrel's busted
his last nut for the night.
You're a goddamn chipmunk,
not a squirrel.
Hey, babe!
Oh! I've missed you.
So you're here.
Give me a kiss, num nums.
How you doing?
So you're here.
Yeah.
Um, I was just...
I was coming back 'cause I
want to give you a note.
Well, I'm here now.
You can just tell me what it says.
Well, no. I think you'd
really like what's in it.
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
[Laughs]
Oh. Oh, it...
Yeah.
Yeah?
You know, I think it's about time.
Yeah?
Yeah, me... me, too.
Look really, me, too. I...
But not now.
Like, not here, I mean...
Maybe somewhere special...
Hey, Ross, you want
to be my sex chipmunk?
Oh, hi. I'm Mandy,
And I love girl-on-girl.
I don't know her.
I don't know her.
Really? Kim!
What's her problem?
Atten hut!
Ten hut, general Dougie, sir.
At ease, ladies.
Now drop and give me 69.
Oh, yes general Dougie, sir.
Right after I examine
corporal Gina here
For any detonative devices.
Corporal Gina,
Are you hiding any illicit contraband?
No, sir! Ma'am.
[Laughs]
I think you have to be court-martialed
For bad, bad, bad behavior!
Oh, yeah. Let me pull out my soldier.
[Laughs]
Aah!
Oh. Oh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No other male soldiers in this,
all right?
Don't ask. Don't tell.
God damn it, Doug, I'm
cutting off your credit.
Buck.
Hi, sir.
God damn it.
You owe me $7,000 worth
of Jack-off time.
I'm not gonna extend no more
credit to you, boy.
Buck, I'm good for it.
Oh, I know you are.
In fact, I got a little
proposition for you.
Lexa, Gina...
[Laughs]
Get on out of here.
Aw!
Bye, Dougie.
I've seen your website.
I know what you're doing.
The one thing I don't understand, though,
And your deal memo stipulates
that anything you do
In terms of content producing
Belongs to me along with all assets.
What?
Yep. I want a piece of the action.
Doug, I'm willing to let all this slide
If you just partner with me
on a little side project.
I'm listening.
I wanna do a live, pay-per-view,
Internet fuck fest
With that young virgin, Ross.
One night, one hump,
$1 million.
Buck, I don't know if he will.
He's a pussy.
He's scared to fuck on camera.
Every single one of your movies
Has over 25 million views.
If we can get that young,
sweet, virgin boy
To pop his cherry and sell
the live stream for $5.00 a pop,
That's a whole bunch of clams.
I think you can do the math.
Okay, buck, let me get back to
you on that.
Oh, and, buck?
Can you please put Lexa and Gina back on?
I mean I've already gotten started.
I gotta finish up.
You fucking pervert!
Thanks, Buck.
Now where were we, ladies?
[Knock on door, dialing cell phone]
Ed: Open up, brah! Come on!
Go away!
[Line ringing]
You've gotta talk to me, home slice.
You're always the problem, Ed.
You're talking crazy.
Just let me in.
[Cell phone rings]
Come on, man.
She was bound to find out
what you were doing.
[Bottle clanks in sink]
Yeah, but I wanted to explain
it to her myself, man,
When the time was right.
When's the time right to tell
your girlfriend
That you're making porn videos
To pay off a psychopath?
You mean tell her that you
are making porn videos.
Look I may be the star,
But we're in this together, brother.
No. No, you dragged me into this shit.
Now she's gone.
Maybe that's a good thing.
What?
Look, Kim's a nice girl.
Too nice.
She's held your cock hostage
for four years.
Maybe secretly you wanted to get caught.
Now you're free.
Being free sucks.
You just gotta give it a try.
No. I want her back.
You're too much of a goddamn pussy!
I give up.
It's too much work.
You ever stop to think if I
wanted your help, Ed? Huh?
You ever think that maybe some
of us are happy the way we are?
Some of us don't have to go
around showing off
Every single second of our lives,
'Cause we don't actually hate ourselves.
Fuck you.
You're jealous.
Jealous of what, Ed?
Jealous of you fucking drunk sleazebags
And chicks who are borderline retarded?
Yes! Exactly.
God, dude, look at you.
I don't even know who you are
anymore, asshole.
Who are you calling asshole, cock?
[Both whining]
[Squealing]
Unh!
Ow!
Oh! Aah! Aah!
Ow! You're a whore!
Aah! Unh!
Jerk!
I'm sorry.
All right, brother.
Let's see how well you do without me.
Fuck you!
I'm done with all of you for
real this time!
What is the problem?
Oh, Ed's out for good.
So, yeah, we pretty much have
to come up
With the rest of the cash on our own.
What are we short?
We need to generate $98,000
in the next four days.
So according to my calculations,
We need to make two more movies,
And that should put us over the mark.
Okay, okay.
Uh, well, you're gonna have to
do it, Marcus.
'Cause Kwan's...
I respectfully decline.
I did my part, and I'm
traumatized for life.
Trying to get the taste of
female ejaculate
Out of your mouth
Is like trying to get skunk
spray off clothing.
Brush it off, man.
Doesn't matter.
You're the only one.
Frankly, I believe Ed has a point.
You're the only qualified
person yet to contribute,
And now you're single.
And factoring in your virginity,
Which increases the coefficient by 4.2.
And if we carry over the 8,
then that's... whoa.
What does it say?
What does it mean?
According to my calculations,
I believe that if you were to perform,
We will only need to make one movie.
That's impossible.
Oh! What about Doug?
Yeah, tell Kwan to get
Our next starlet on the phone.
Hey, wake up.
[Slap]
Ow. What...
Doug, you're up.
What?
You're up, man.
It's your turn to make a video.
We've got Anna Williams for you.
Who?
Uh, that chick that fell
down a well 20 years ago.
You have to have sex with her.
Me?
Yeah.
Oh, no. I'm, uh...
I'm all tapped out.
Dude, what?
No, you've been waiting for this forever.
Come on, get up.
You've gotta give me a warning,
Or I'm gonna take care of myself first.
Besides, it's 3:00 in the afternoon.
Just get Ed to do it.
I'll take care of the next one.
Ed's not available.
Okay, you do it.
No.
[Sighs]
Okay, fine.
Oh, I got it.
Perfect.
Couple of these will do the trick.
Pop 'em quick.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Isn't one enough of those?
Better safe than sorry.
Mmm!
I wonder how long it takes for
these things to kick in.
Oh!
All right, whatever.
Let's go.
All right.
Come on. Come on.
Oh!
I don't feel too good, man.
My heart is beating really fast.
You'll be fine.
The side effects include diarrhea,
Flushing of the face, heart palpitations,
Stroke and coma.
Like I said, you'll be fine.
Go get her.
Go for it.
Hey, come on over here.
Hi.
Hi.
Whoo!
[Groaning]
Mmm!
[Laughing]
Whoo!
[Laughing and coughing]
You okay?
I'm... I'm good.
Ahh.
Okay, good.
[Coughing]
You just relax.
Okay.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Mmm!
Ooh! Do you like what you see?
Ooh, yeah. Spank me.
Yeah.
What am I supposed to do now?
Shit! Doug.
Doug, wake up.
Don't clap. Don't clap.
He's still functioning.
He's good. He's just passed out.
It says we only have to worry
If his erection lasts more
than four hours.
Eww. Are you sure he's not dead?
No, keep going.
Okay. Okay.
Should I take his pants off?
Yeah, sure.
Take 'em down.
Get comfortable.
Come on, big boy.
Ooh!
All right. Looks like we are uploaded.
[Woman moaning]
Fuck!
I can't believe it.
Why do I always miss everything?
I can't believe you let this
woman fuck me
While I was in a coma.
Yeah, she's going pretty wild here.
Ooh! Ooh, you like that?
You like that?
That might as well have been
a rock she was humping.
You didn't feel anything?
Anything at all?
No! God damn it!
Ohh!
Ooh!
I'm the first virgin that's
not a virgin.
Stop it.
It's true.
Now I know what parents feel like
When they adopt kids.
Well, we're up to 3 million
hits already
With Douglas's video.
It's good, but not good enough.
Yeah, asshole.
Hey, at least I got to have sex,
Even though I don't remember.
You just got a face full.
We're totally fucked, guys.
We have no star.
I hate to say it,
But no one can do it like Ed.
We have three days to come up
with 80 grand
Or else we go to prison,
Which means we're fucked.
African-American men are
12 times more likely to die
In prison than other ethnicities.
Think, think, think, think.
There is one way.
Doug, you're not starring
in another video.
No. Porndarosa.Cum.
They want to do a cross-promotion
with us.
Why didn't you fucking say something?
Will they pay us?
Yeah.
Not chump change, either.
We're talking one mil...
Hundred thousand dollars...
[Gasps]
If Ross agrees to lose his virginity
On a live stream pay-per-view
at the porndarosa stages.
But I knew he was too much of
a pussy to do it,
So that's why I didn't say nothin'.
Yeah, I mean...
Well...
Say we're sorry to who, Danny?
Actually, yeah.
Yeah. Why don't we just find
her house,
And I'll beg for forgiveness?
I mean...
And we apologize for recording ed
Slamming his penis into her vagina
While she was intoxicated
Under a mix of narcotics and alcohol.
I've got a better idea.
You guys stay here.
I'll apologize for us.
But just in case, uh...
Tell Porndarosa yes.
What? Really?
It's our plan "b."
Danny's second option.
If Melanie doesn't drop the
charges, then...
Call Porndarosa and tell them
to set it up.
[Doorbell buzzes]
Man, on intercom: Deliveries to
the service gate on the side.
No, I'm here to see Mellony Adams.
Is she expecting you?
No.
Then call her manager and make
an appointment.
I need to talk to her.
It's important.
Please step away from the gate.
Security will be down shortly
to escort you off the property.
No, no, no.
No, no. Just, uh...
Just tell her that I'm the guy
That put her on the Internet.
[Gate buzzes]
Mellony: So...
Ross.
So, Ross, um...
What is it that you wanted
to talk to me about?
Um, uh, just, uh...
I just wanted to see you and...
Wait.
Are you... are you the one
that I fucked?
What?
Are you the one that I fucked
from that video?
Okay, look, things are...
Things are a little fuzzy
from that night.
Don't really remember.
And I haven't really gotten
myself, you know,
Up to watch that video, so...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, no.
That was... that was Ed.
It wasn't me.
Can I have a muffin?
Sure.
Yeah, um, so...
Can I have an orange, too?
Yeah. No, help yourself, darlin'.
Thank you.
Um, Ed? Ed?
Oh, um, okay. So...
Well, you can tell Ed...
That I said thank you for me, please.
[Laughs]
Thank you?
He saved my life.
What? You're not mad at us?
Oh, I was.
I definitely was.
But I also realized that having
sex with your...
Your friend Ed
Was the best thing that's ever
happened to me.
Okay. You see, I had hit rock bottom.
I needed to take a really long,
hard look at myself
And... And change.
But...
I'm 27 days clean.
[Laughs]
I know, it doesn't...
I know that doesn't seem like much,
But I'm actually really excited
about it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
But what about the money?
Why are you blackmailing us?
What?
Blackmailing you?
You know, the...
The half-million Danny demanded
To not send us to jail and,
like, kill us?
He did what?
Yeah, he's gonna send us all to jail
If we don't come up with 80 grand
In the next two days.
Okay, no, no, no.
Danny is crazy.
Yeah, I know. Yeah.
And I'm sorry if he hurt you.
So will you help us?
Look, I am... I am...
I am so flattered that you
came here to talk about this
And get it all out...
But I can't help you, sweetie.
I can't go back into that world.
I'm working on me.
I can't get involved.
I have to work on me.
That's what comes first.
But, um...
Please, I...
You got some news, partner?
We're ready to do this.
Under one condition:
I am the producer
And I alone handle all of the money.
I'll also need an unlimited
lifetime supply
Of live two-way Jack-off
access on Porndarosa.Cum.
You drive a hard bargain, partner.
But you got yourself a deal.
Yes!
gettin' porn money
gettin' porn and money
Lifetime supply. Yeah.
Tickle, tickle!
Tickle, tickle.
I want to spank you.
Okay, come on, Ross.
Come on, Ross.
You got this.
Come on, come on.
One drink.
Take a little drink.
Blech!
Let's roll.
[Funk music playing]
Howdy, partners.
I'm buck Hollister, president of...
What the heck?
Get the fuck outta here.
What are you...?
President of Porndarosa.Cum.
I'd like to thank you all
for tuning in tonight
To watch some hot fuck action
With one of the hottest young
cock stars in the biz.
Tonight, we got a special treat.
We're ready for you.
Okay.
You ready? You excited?
You are going to be waist deep
In some lady's vajayjay in,
like, 30 seconds.
Yeah.
I'm excited.
I'm excited for you.
Hey, I'd be out there if I could,
But can't go back on set.
Oh, jerk off once in the corner
And suddenly you're public
enemy number one.
All right. All right, got it, Scotty.
All right. Thanks, man.
Fuckin' crazy, man.
Suck it up, suck it up, suck it up.
Okay, you got this.
You got this.
We're gonna witness
America's favorite virgin, Ross Ganz,
Pop his cherry tonight live
on videotape!
[Chanting] I chi ooh la goo chi koopah!
What the hell did he just say?
I don't, um...
Do you have to go potty?
I don't know.
Jeez.
Well, here he is... Ross.
Come here, boy.
Hey.
So let me get this straight, partner.
You're a virgin?
Uh, yes. Yeah.
[Laughing] A virgin!
Whoo! Well, we're pretty fucking classy
Here at Porndarosa.Cum,
So what we did is went out
And got you an extra special
Little hussy to bang.
Are you ready to meet your
lucky starlet, stud?
Let's just get this over with, man.
Right.
Well, you know her from the magazines.
Let's all please welcome Miss
Emily Addison!
Holy shit.
Hey, Ross.
I'm a big fan of yours.
Ohh!
Saddle up, cowboy!
Time for some fuckin'!
Yee-haw!
Whoa.
Uh...
Whoa.
Uh...
[Whimpers]
Wait, wait, wait.
Aah!
Wait.
What?
You don't like me?
Yes. Yes, I do.
I just...
Holy shit, I do.
I just...
I-I-I don't know.
Get to it, kid!
You're gettin' paid to fuck!
Shut up!
Fuck this!
My God, this is insane.
I can't.
I can't do this. I can't.
I... I... I can't believe these words
Are actually coming out of my mouth,
Considering I've probably
masturbated to you
Over 1,000 times.
I know everything about you.
Oh, my God.
You're awesome.
I, uh...
I even have this little shrine
I made dedicated to you.
It took some pretty huge...
Stuff. Shut up!
You know what?
The truth is
Me and my friends are only
making these tapes
Because we were threatened
By that Hollywood agent Danny Silver,
Who's a fucking slimy cocksucker,
And I hope you're fucking
watching, motherfucker!
He threatened to beat us up
and have us arrested
And even kill us if we didn't
come up with 500 grand.
Well, here's your 500 grand
right here, motherfucker!
Come and get it, 'cause I quit!
You can beat me up.
I don't care.
Whatever, man.
All right?
Because we are done working for you.
We're done!
You bitch!
And I'll have you know,
There's only one girl I want
to lose my virginity to.
My ex-girlfriend Kim.
And she wouldn't be watching this,
Because she's not that kind of girl.
Like all you little perverts.
She's pure,
And I love that about her.
It's all this bullshit
that caused us to break up!
Fucking shit!
Hey, Kwan.
Come here.
I'm not done with you.
Look, I know you're watching, Ed.
All right?
I just want to let you know
you're not a frat guy.
Come on, you're a ninth level paladin
That's led the clan on countless
adventures.
Come on, dude.
If I had a fucking dollar
for every time you talked
About how much Delaney was a cocksucker,
Man, I'd have, like, between
84 and 130 dollars.
Hey, brah. I might've
said one or two things.
Seriously. Delaney doesn't even
like you, man.
He just hangs out with you
because you do his homework.
You know what, fuck this!
I hope you're watching, too, Delaney.
Because I'm gonna tell the Dean
on your punk ass!
Get him off the fuckin' set!
He's blocking the action!
Time to take out the garbage.
Recycle.
You can sit.
Ed!
[Speaking fantasy language]
[Speaking fantasy language]
Unhand him, you ghouls, at once!
Aah!
You guys are killing my boner.
Marcus, wake up.
Yo, what the fuck happened?
Got knocked out again, buddy.
You... you're black.
No shit, bitch.
Damn, who the fuck served me?
Dude, all those blows to your head
Somehow cured your asperger's.
Boy, you really are a pussy.
You can't even get it up for
a million dollars.
You mean 100,000.
Doug made the deal for a million.
He did?
You motherfucker!
You were gonna keep 900,000
for yourself?
Not really. I was just...
Come here!
I gonna get you!
That's some shit.
Now these motherfuckers up
in here better get ready
For an unholy beat-down
The likes of which ain't nobody
ever seen.
Gotcha
[Groans]
What you gonna do, bitch?
[Groans]
The motherfucking buck stops here.
[Smash]
God.
Whoa.
Hey, Danny.
You got a minute?
Can it wait?
Mmm...
I'm trying to do some business
over here.
Well, it's, um...
It's kind of important.
All right.
Make it quick.
Well, you're my manager, and
as an actor,
Us actors feel like it's good
to scratch
Our management's back every
once in while.
You know what I mean?
Uh-huh.
And as your best client,
I feel like I kind of owe it to you.
And you know how I roll, baby.
I'm kind of kinky.
Mellony, Mellony.
Mmm.
What did I do to deserve this?
Turn around.
[Both laughing]
Turn around.
Whoa! [Laughing]
[Moaning]
Stop it.
Look at this!
You see that?
That's called a contract, baby.
[Muffled shouting]
A contract...
One of those little bitty things
That you could never get me,
seven years.
In seven years,
You couldn't get me one of
those things.
And I just wanted you to
look at all those zeroes
That are going to be all mine.
[Muffled] That's mine!
And none of yours!
Stop it!
[Groans]
Uh-huh.
Oh, and guess what, Danny?
You're fired. Uh-huh.
You're fired, and I never want to
Ever, ever, ever see you ever again.
[Shouts]
Shut up!
Listen to me.
I should leave you with a
little something,
Though, shouldn't I?
I'm gonna give you something
before I leave
Just so you remember me by, okay?
[Moans]
So you just stay there,
And I'm gonna give you
something to remember me.
It'll be real good, okay?
Stay down.
Fuck you!
You feel that! Uh-huh!
Yeah, it feels good, right, baby?
Yeah!
Sorry I'm late for raid.
Who said you were welcome?
Yo. What up, sexy?
Don't call me that anymore.
The guys kicked me out of the frat
As soon as our videos got taken down.
So what?
I figured I would bring you
this from the P.O. Box.
Ahem.
"Ed is the grossest guy I've
ever slept with,
"Rock bottom...
What was I thinking fucking that guy?"
Yeah, I already know all this stuff.
Skip to the end.
"This letter is to inform you
that Danny Silver
"And all parties have been arrested
"On extortion charges, among
other things.
"And to inform you that
the estate of Mellony Adams
"Is dropping all charges.
All money you made is yours to keep"?
Yep.
Holy shit. We get to keep all
that money?
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry I betrayed the clan, brother.
I promise I will never be in
the wrong again.
[Speaking fantasy language]
Hey.
Um, I saw your pay-per-view.
Look, I'm sorry.
Just kiss me.
Um, I think it's about time
I gave you a real kiss.
[Laughs]
[Both panting]
Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry I made you wait for
so long.
Oh, I'm sorry for pressuring
you so much.
[Speaking fantasy language]
[Speaking fantasy language]
Seriously, her pussy
is, like, falling out.
Someone needs to feed that thing
Before it eats her shorts.
[Speaking fantasy language]
What are you faggots talking about?
No. You must be mistaken.
We're not gay.
You choads were checking
out my ass, weren't you?
I-I-I wasn't.
Well, at least I'm not gay.
Fuck you.
Come on. Stick it in the hole! Yeah!
I got one more.
I got one more.
Bring it.
Bring it, baby.
Bring it, baby.
Bring it, baby.
Push it. Push it.
Let me see you stick it.
Oh, that's such a bulge.
What is that, like, 100 pounds?
No, it's 40.
Oh, okay, I got it.
Come on.
Bring it down.
I got one more.
I got one more.
Let's see that bicep bulge, baby.
Here we go.
Here we go. This is it.
I wanna see your bulge.
I wanna see your bulge.
It's a flex-off.
Oh, my God.
Yeah. You feel that?
Oh!
Oh, man, I felt your bulge.
Oh, God. My sweater's all nasty.
[Clears throat]
What's up?
Yeah, one English lit 435 paper.
The freudian interpretation
of the bell jar.
Yeah, put it...
Put it there.
The football team thanks you
For keeping me on the field.
Our pleasure.
Which is why I went ahead and got you guys
A little token of my gratitude.
Call it something special
For being so contingent.
Yeah.
Uh, consistent.
Yeah, whatever.
[Laughs]
You're gonna love this.
We can pledge next semester?
[Both laugh]
Oh, please. [Laughs]
Oh, lower it down.
Lower it down.
Oh, use my shit, bro.
Oh, my God.
That's what bros are for, bro.
You got that much game?
Oh, yeah.
Man, you shave your...
Dude, yeah, man.
Chicks dig it.
Oh, Jesus, that was good.
Oh, my.
Where was I?
You were about to give us
$300 for the homework.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, I thought, like, this time,
Something instead of money.
No way, man.
We said 300.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up, Frodo and Frodette.
Oh, burn!
Oh, yeah!
Anyway, yeah, so I made some calls
And, like, I could get you guys
Into what promises to be...
Wait for it...
The best party of the decade
Tomorrow night.
We're listening.
No, thanks.
Yeah.
No.
No.
Yeah.
Right. Well, maybe you guys have heard
Of the Hollywood fucking hills.
Anyway, yeah, my boy's working the door,
And I can't go because, uh,
Well, I'm fucking both of your moms
In the ass.
Oh, burn!
Oh, it burns so good.
Jk, bro, jk.
I mean, this is probably going to be
The most pussy there's ever been
In one place guaranteed.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, no B.S., bra.
Thanks for the offer, but we want the money.
The money?
Okay. All right.
Hey, it's your call.
I mean, I just thought maybe you guys,
Like, actually wanted to get laid
And go to a party
Before you graduate...
Or die.
Oh, double burn.
Twice.
Yeah, have fun staying at home
With your whack pack of super nerd shut-ins.
Oh!
Doing whatever, man.
All right.
I'll get the cash.
Wait!
An opportunity like this
Only comes once in a lifetime.
You let him gyp us out of $300.
How's that an opportunity?
It's time we stopped playing video games.
We need to get some tail
physically, not digitally.
We speak elvish, okay?
Nobody even wants to be
In the same time zone as us,
Let alone a Hollywood party.
I'm not going, man.
No way.
Dude, don't take your blue balls out on me
Just because your girlfriend
locked her pussy up in fort knox
And gave the key to Jesus.
Shut up, dude.
No, I'm not going alone.
You're going.
Well, then we're not going,
And we're out three bills,
So that's great.
Fine. I'll go with the clan.
The clan?
Yeah, let's see.
Kwan barely speaks English,
Marcus' condition doesn't allow
him to talk to girls,
Doug's restraining order
Canvasses all of Los Angeles.
I'm pretty sure that includes the hills.
Look, I'm sick and tired
Of you moping around all the time.
You need to get laid.
Whatever.
No, no.
Just because my grandma
Has a better sex drive than your girlfriend
Doesn't give you an excuse to be a cock.
Forget about my relationship.
Look, you're either going solo,
Or you're not going at all.
And if you do decide to go,
I'm gonna laugh my ass off
When you get kicked out.
Speak of the devil and she appears.
And in her mormon undergarments, no less.
Shut the fuck up, man.
No, dude. It's time to draw a line in the sand
Or move on.
Your virginity's not getting any younger.
You gonna finally have the talk?
I've been trying.
Hey!
Hello, Ed.
Hey.
Loser.
Goodbye, Ed.
[Speaking fantasy language]
Yeah.
So I was wondering.
Maybe we could go to nona's tonight
And hang out with their youth group for a while.
I don't know, Kim.
What do you not know about?
I think just maybe we should talk.
Okay. What's the matter?
The same thing that's been the matter
For the past three and a half years.
The sex thing again?
Look, I know it's a broken record.
It's just, I have to...
I have to lay down the law.
The law?
I don't wanna go through college a virgin.
You know what?
Just go back to your porn stars
and your hand lotion.
Leave Emily Addison out of this.
Ross, just met me at youth group tonight.
Arghhhh!
Okay.
Maybe after, we could do some
under the clothes touching?
If you're good.
All right.
See you later.
Fuck!
Hey, get to work.
I'm not paying you $4.99 a minute
Just to get to know you better.
Hey, Doug, fuck you, okay?
If you weren't our webmaster.
You'd probably be working at
a drive-through somewhere.
Burger boy.
Hey, there is nothing in the law
That says I cannot spend
money where I work.
Now suck titty.
Okay, ladies, let's slay us a dragon.
Kwan, sign on.
Kwan-ho, let's go.
Ed: Marcus?
Artemis at the ready.
Let's go.
Look, I know I helped your ass-burgers
To get into character, Balakas,
But lay off the R.P.
Hey, no, no, no.
What are you doing?
You're pro.
You don't need me to talk you through this.
Fucking Doug.
Seriously, after the game, dude.
Look, my dick needs attention.
Fat ass.
Oh, you wanna play?
I can do that.
Time for a raid.
Shit.
Take that, bitch!
[Girls laughing]
Marcus!
Hear me! Hear me!
Hear you? Aye.
Yeah!
Aah! Ha ha ha!
Douglas J.K.
That was hella funny.
Whoo! And I recorded that shit, too.
Upload. That's gonna get
so many fucking views.
Fuck this! I'm gonna kick
your fat fucking ass.
Ladies, I just did an epic raid.
Let's do this.
Is it beating fast for you, Gina?
Oh, yes, it is.
Get out here, snack boy.
You're about to get a long overdue ass-whupping.
Oh!
Oh!
That fat ass will jerk off forever.
Lick my dick.
Yes, lick kwan's penis, you dick.
[Speaking fantasy language]
No.
No.
You know, he's like your little brother
That, like, never gets laid, you know?
Oh... Oh...
Hey, what the fuck?
You're on the clock.
Not cool.
You should never intentionally wipe a raid.
I'm gonna report you to buck.
I'm the best webmaster
That the porndarosa's got.
You gotta be nice to me.
By the way, funboy,
Buck said that you better get
current on your bill
Or he's gonna fire your ass.
The last time buck fired someone,
He literally fired a shot at them.
At their ass.
Log out.
Hey, guys?
Guys?
Guys? Look, I'm just fucking around, guys.
Come on.
Porno's off. Let's go.
Guys?
Damn that shit.
Whoo!
Whoo!
Play it cool, guys.
[Speaking broken English]
What was I thinking?
We don't belong here.
Marcus, need a drink, man?
What do I do to get one?
Turn around.
Ask the waitress.
Waitress: What can I get you?
You don't need to get me anything,
I don't think.
Wait, maybe you do.
He'll have a Jack and coke.
Maybe we should split up.
We won't attract as much attention.
Good idea.
The museum.
Come on.
I got enough data stored in my spank bank
To jerk off for the next four years.
Are you blind?
We gotta get out of here.
They know we're not supposed to be here.
We're gonna get our asses kicked.
I'm fucking one of these
chicks tonight. You watch.
Get it through your head, Ed.
No chicks are gonna touch us.
[Footsteps]
She's not wearing any underwear.
I know.
Oh. [Giggles]
Oh, God.
She's doing coke.
[Snorts]
What does she want?
Oh, shit.
You scared me.
How did you get in here?
Oh, I, uh...
[Laughs]
It's okay, darling.
Listen, you kind of caught me
white handed here,
So you know what that means.
I'll give you a little bump.
No, thanks. I...
Come on. It's good.
Wait a minute. Wait.
You're mellony Adams.
You were in thunder run 3.
Holy shit.
[Laughs]
That piece of shit?
Oh, my God.
You killed my sister.
And now you have to...
[Together]
Face my wrath!
Best catch phrase ever. Yeah!
God, what...
No, no, no, no.
Listen, you try to be typecast at my age,
And you take every fricking loathing line
And you try to make it
into this... Something.
Except... Except...
For these lines.
[Laughs]
Oh, man.
Whoo! Damn!
Whoo-hoo!
Try it.
It's really good.
Whoo!
It's so good,
It make you wanna move, doesn't it? Whoo!
No, it hurts.
[Laughs]
Listen, what's your name?
Ed.
Oh, yeah? Ed?
I know we just met, Ed,
But would you like to drink
A little champagne with me?
Whoo! Yeah!
You don't belong here, asshole.
I beg your pardon?
He's talking to you, poindexter.
Look, we're gonna throw you the fuck out
Unless you do something for us.
Like what?
Kind of hot in here, though.
I think I'm overdressed.
Ed, could you help me with that, please?
Oh, that's no problem.
No problem.
Here we go.
Wow, my friends are never
gonna believe I did this.
This is fucking insane.
Well, it's good to get a little
crazy sometimes, darling.
Yeah. This may be a little off subject,
But you haven't heard of any
of those new cell phones
That have cameras and record videos.
I don't know.
I must have one.
Oh, shut up and grab my rocking tits.
That's what I call a catch phrase.
Whoo!
Whoa!
Whoo! [Giggles]
This is gonna be fun.
See that sizzling hot
blonde chick over there?
The one next to that huge MMA
looking motherfucker.
Affirmative.
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna walk your
puny little ass over there,
And you're gonna ask her,
Can I get all up in that labe?
Labe? Are you referring
To that lady's labia majora?
Hey, we call it labe for short.
Kwan.
Oh, yes!
Yes, right there.
Oh! Oh, yes.
Holy shit, you better be recording this.
What?
Nothing.
[Moaning]
Oh, yes, Ed.
Teach my pussy.
Sex me, Ed.
Sex-Ed.
Teach my pussy.
Yeah!
you know you gals, you kind of sexy
don't let no man tell you
that you ain't nothing
they're trying to abuse you
and make you feel like...
you can do way, way better than that
you can do way, way...
Oh, man, Ron's gonna fuck that kid up.
No doubt.
Um... Hello. Hi.
Um, those gentlemen over there
Are asking me to ask you, um...
If I could get up in your labe.
Excuse me?
If I could get up in your labe.
But I think they were referring
to you labia majora
Or the fold of skin on the
outsides of your vagina
Encasing the vulva.
Oh, my fucking God.
Ron, did you hear
What he was just telling me?
What's up, babe?
What?
Aah!
from there, you can do
way, way better than that
you can do way, way better than that
Pshht.
What a dick.
Motherfucker!
Shit, is that Mellony Adams?
Aah!
Oh, my God.
I fucked Mellony Adams,
And I have proof.
Best night of my fucking life.
Oh, my God. Wait until Doug hears about this.
Roll up the window, man.
What are you doing?
Oh, my God. Marcus needs to go to a hospital.
You okay?
Did I get to see her labia?
[Speaking broken English]
I deem the knockout to be worth it.
Dudes, we hung out with actual girls.
I'm glad you're okay.
He's okay.
He's okay. Whoo!
Best 300 bucks we've ever spent.
Epic win!
Epic win!
Epic won.
me and my wang
just hanging out on the porch
drinking a beer
hand down my pants and doing my thing
I'm drinking a beer and playing with my wang
whoo hoo-hoo hoo-hoo-hoo
[Imitating guitar solo]
Oh, where the fuck you guys go?
Oh, nowhere,
Except the most epic party in history.
Bam! Go ahead.
Take a look.
Wait. Is that...
Is that...
Mm-hmm.
Mellony motherfucking Adams.
Maybe you've seen her before
in every movie ever made.
I hope you enjoyed your masturbatory evening
In solitude, Douglas.
Okay, fuck you guys.
Why didn't you invite me?
Next time don't ruin our raid.
Maybe you'll get an invite.
Oh, I've gotta go to sleep.
I think I have a concussion,
And I'm extremely inebriated.
Me, too.
Good night, dick.
All right, you guys got me.
I'm a douchebag.
I'm sorry...
That you forgot your fucking phone.
Oh!
You know, it'd be a goddamn shame
If this video were to somehow make its way
To the worldwide web.
Holy fucking shit. Did
last night really happen?
Yes, it really happened.
I boned Mellony Adams?
Yep.
And Kwan was there, too?
I'm trying to eat.
Yep. I got it all on my phone.
Look, you guys can watch it back
a million times if you want,
But it has to stay between us, okay?
We can get into a shitstorm of trouble
If anybody sees it.
Fuck that. I want the world to
know what a stud I am.
I boned Mellony Adams.
It doesn't get any non-gayer than that.
I'd rather bang Halle Berry.
Britney! Britney!
Or Eva Mendez.
Emily Addison.
You guys are just jealous
that I dabbled the dipstick
In some Hollywood cream-sashine.
Okay, Ed, come on.
Seriously.
Think about it, okay?
We only got into that party
Because of Delaney's buddy.
We weren't really invited,
So technically we can get arrested
for trespassing.
Not to mention, we kind of filmed
a sex tape without consent,
So there's always that.
What good is bonking a babe
If I can't tell anybody?
It's enough that we know, right?
Oh, my God.
It is you. Sex-ed.
Oh, my God.
And you're Kwan-zai.
Oh, and you poor baby.
Got your jaw broken
Without having any of the fun.
Actually, it's just a contusion
of the zygomatic bone
With some secondary bruising
on the left mandible.
Whatever. [Laughs]
Well, we look forward
To seeing more of you in action, stud.
Come on.
All: Fucking Doug!
Hey! Hey! Hey, dude.
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Hey, you!
Hey, sweetie.
What the heck, Ross?
You don't answer my texts now?
When? Oh, Nona's.
Yeah, Nona's I waited there for two hours
Looking like a jerk.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Let's do it tonight.
I have study group.
I promise I'll make it up to
you sometime, okay?
Num-num!
Bye.
Num-num.
Dude, no one turns me away like that.
Dude.
You wanna try it again?
Yeah, let's get back.
Oh, man, did you moisturize this morning?
Yeah, every morning.
Of course I did.
[Moaning]
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
Hold up. Hold up.
Doug, bend over so I can
burn your fucking balls.
Oh, hey! Hey, man!
She was about to stick her
whole foot in her mouth.
You get on that pornderosa site right now
And take down that video.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You post last night's sexcapade
On a fucking porn site you work for.
[Clapping]
You figure that all out by yourself, Sherlock?
But once again, you're only half right.
You see, a video of that great quality
Deserves its own website
So that everyone can see it in all its glory,
And I would hate to deprive people
Of that now. [Laughs]
I'm gonna shove that mouse
right down your fucking piehole
If you don't take it down right now.
I'm afraid you douchebags
are a little too late.
Check it out.
You're an overnight celebrity, my friend.
Over three and a half million
hits and counting.
Holy shit. Awesome!
No, not awesome.
Take it down!
Okay.
That's it.
Get rid of this.
No, no, no. I'm never gonna
get that kind of pussy again.
Guys. Guys. Guys!
The God damn cat's out of the bag.
This thing is viral.
[Knock on door]
Hey, must be some of my fan club.
Answer it, Marcus.
Got to let them come to me.
Like that, Satchmo?
'Cause Vinny here,
He can serve up sex real quick.
All right, everybody over here now.
Sit down. Come on.
Sit down!
Hmm.
I don't know, Danny.
Which one do you think is the mastermind?
It sure as hell ain't Jackie
Robinson over here.
Or jabba the Hut.
Or Wang Chung.
Maybe...
Just maybe...
It's the little prick who fucked my client
On the Internet.
Maybe...
Just maybe...
The prick didn't know that fucking my client
Was like you're fucking me!
You all right?
You sure?
Where are my manners?
Huh?
Was I raised in the woods?
Mm-mmm.
No.
Well...
Let me introduce myself.
I'm Benny Silva.
I'm a talent manager,
And my client is Mellony Adams.
You had sex with her against her will,
Recorded it and put it on the Internet.
It wasn't against her will.
She totally wanted my rod.
No speaking out of turn.
Shut the fuck up!
I could have all of you
arrested for trespassing,
Making pornography against
the will of my client,
Defamation.
The list goes on and on.
Hey, man, it was them.
I had nothing to do with it.
I wasn't even there.
Come on, brother.
I had nothing to do with it...
Shut up!
Then why was it uploaded
From your fucking computer?
[Squeals]
Nobody likes a snitch.
And I sure as hell don't want to see
A group of fine young men like yourselves...
Going to jail.
So that's why I'm offering you
Another option.
Whatever it is, we'll take it. Anything.
You are going to pay me
a half a million dollars
In the next 30 days.
Or you're going to end up
A bunch of pretty little
jailhouse bitches,
Dead in a ditch,
Or both.
[Urinating]
Accidents happen.
Oh, God, we're so fucked.
It's not so bad.
I mean, half a million sounds like a lot,
But there's five of us.
We could donate blood.
Or a kidney.
Black market kidneys
Sell for an average of $20,000.
Unless you got 20 extra kidneys stashed away,
That ain't gonna work.
We could rob a bank.
Rob a bank to not go to jail.
Yeah, that's brilliant.
Yeah, hey, at least I'm coming
up with ideas here.
It's your great ideas that got
us into this in the first place.
You could have stayed at home
with your girlfriend
And not had sex again.
No, fuck you.
Fuck you.
No, fuck Kwan.
Actually, I'm the one getting
screwed here.
I'm just saying.
Technically, I've sustained
the most serious injuries.
Shut up. Everyone shut up please.
Damn, if we were chicks,
We could strip our way to a
half million no problem.
I'd make extra 'cause I
wouldn't shave my bush.
What? It's a great way to half a mil.
Why not just go all the way and make a porn?
You could star in hot and hairy volume 69.
That's it!
[Chuckles] 69.
You gonna grow a vagina?
No, dude,
We can't strip our way to a half million,
But we can screw our way to it.
We've just got to make more sex tapes.
That's the complete opposite
Of what we should do.
Dude, dude, all we have to do
Is find some willing has-been celebrities
And convince them to have sex on camera.
It's insane exposure.
All anyone's been talking about all day
Is Mellony Adams.
Just the pervs on campus, man.
Not actually.
I mean, she's trending pretty hard.
Top five searches on the Internet.
Okay. Why can't they just make
their own tapes?
I mean, why would they need us?
'Cause we've got a proven track record.
Our video has...
17 million.
17 million hits.
Think about it.
Exposure.
I don't know.
Doug can set up the websites.
We'll watch the cash roll in.
I just...
You got any better ideas?
I didn't think so.
Where can we find a chick
That's desperate enough
To bang her way back to fame?
I know of a venue that will have
Several of those female individuals
in attendance currently.
There's Shelby Jones.
She played a Valkyrie Berserker
On blood and breath swords,
Seasons two through five.
Dude, I'll totally Rragnarok her world.
Hi, Mrs. Jones.
I really like it in episode 312
When you beheaded the evil hydro
After drinking the invincibility potion.
Thanks, kid.
So you want an autograph or...
Oh, will you have sexual intercourse
With my friend Ed and allow us to videotape it
So that we can make money and
pay off someone who's blackmailing us?
Christ. You little shits get
weirder every year.
Sorry, sorry.
He's just joking.
He's just acting out a scene
in episode 478.
You know, when the evil prince comes...
That's crazy.
There's no episode...
[Coughs] Shut up.
It'll be a tremendous for your career.
Just let Ed and I do it, okay?
You got to find the right chick,
One who's washed up.
Desperate, but still kind of hot.
Someone with a bit of a sexy background.
Forget it, man.
This isn't going to work.
Let's just go pack for jail.
Bingo!
[Chuckles]
Jillian Baines.
Lieutenant Commander Zolara
On orient five seasons one through four.
Zolara was a completely realistic android
With six times the intensity
of normal human strength
And telescopic vision.
She died saving the starship hyperion
From a quantum singularity.
Fascinating.
I've heard about her.
The show's creators killed her character off
After some nude photos of her surfaced...
Which I still own, by the way...
Plus she is a total drunk.
Never showed up to the set on time.
Ahh... Yeah.
What are you doing?
Excuse me?
Look at all these dried up old hags
Trying to cling to the last bit of money
They can make for a job they
did 10 years ago.
But you...
You're in your prime.
You just need the right opportunity.
Are you trying to sell something?
Because I can call security, all right?
You got to register three weeks in advance
If you wanna be a vendor here.
The only thing I'm trying to sell you
Is a chance to reinvigorate your career.
Do you have an Uncle
That's the head of a studio or something?
Better. I'm the studio, the agent,
And the costar.
You ever heard of a little thing
called the Internet?
Are you retarded?
Like a fox.
Did you see that little video
With Mellony Adams?
Yeah. It's blowing up everywhere.
It's on TMZ, Entertainment Tonight, Extra.
Everybody's talking about it.
I would kill for that kind of coverage.
You don't have to kill.
I'm the guy in that video.
You?
Me.
You know they're calling you
Sex-Ed on the blogs.
Oh, yeah.
So you're offering...
A refresher course.
Hmm.
All right, I'll fuck you.
[Chuckles]
But it's gonna take a lot of liquid courage.
Show's over.
Aw, damn it. It's not the right mount.
Tripod shots are 75% steadier than handheld,
And that number goes up to 350%
For shots zoomed in more than four times.
Shut up.
Get the lube.
Ooh.
You know, if Ed can't do
this whole thing by himself.
I can always jump in and take over, you know.
Sorry, fat-ass.
This is a one-man show.
Just get the website together, okay?
All right, come on, guys.
She's gonna be here any second.
Let's go.
Hello.
So...
Who wants to fuck the hottest
robot in this quadrant? Huh?
Huh? You?
Ooh.
Somebody's ready to launch.
Over here.
Over here!
Oh, yes.
There's my stud.
So you gonna fuck me like Mellony?
Are you?
Hell, yeah.
Action!
I don't wanna film this.
Shoot, shoot, shoot.
My mission is to find out what happens
When you stick your probe balls deep.
[Laughs]
Party time, space girl.
Yeah. Huh?
Okay.
[Laughs] Ooh, robot on robot sex
Is hot and heavy.
Oh, yeah, baby. Ooh.
I was sent to study
The sexual reproduction rituals
Of your species.
Huh? I'm a fucking android.
I don't have a species.
Excuse me, but technically speaking,
Androids can build other androids
And therefore be classified as a species.
Get out of the shot.
All right. All right.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah.
I was about to insert
My hard disk into your v-drive unit.
[Moaning]
Oh, God. [Chuckles]
Next mission, you're gonna drill for oil
On the moon. [Laughs]
Negative. Negative.
Negative.
No, no. We are going to stick
to cave exploration
On this expedition.
Fine. Yeah, give it to me.
[Moaning]
You've penetrated.
You've penetrated my force field.
You're gonna have to make a direct hit
To make me cum. Yeah.
Stay on target.
Stay on target.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Ohh...
Oh, God. Look at the size of that thing.
Kwan-zai!
[Splat]
Hey, Ross, it's Kim.
Uh, just calling to say hello.
So where have you been, silly goose?
I've just, you know, been
worried sick about you,
And, um... All right, well,
just call me
When you're not too busy, I guess.
Bye.
Arghhhh!
Holy fucking shit.
Up to 17 million hits in only three days.
Unbelievable.
Taking into account the exponential
nature of these videos
With a minimal coefficient of 16.3,
And now with two videos,
If you refresh the screen,
We should have 17,274,000 hits now.
That mans with the advertising revenue
Growing at a rate of 14.43 per 300k,
That we will be able to
come up with the money.
We just need to keep producing videos.
We need to find some new girls.
Where do we go to find them?
Uh, guys.
I don't think that's gonna be a problem.
[Laughs]
We need to hang out more, Ross.
I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.
Yeah, I know.
I've just been really busy
With studying, school, and stuff,
you know.
Yeah, well, you should come to
my study group.
I think it would really
help you concentrate.
Like, I really don't see
how you get anything done
Living in that house with a bunch of losers.
Ross?
Ross?
Have you heard anything I just said?
Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Studying.
We can do that sometime.
Yeah, look, I gotta get back to work...
Uh, studying for work.
Okay.
I gotta go, okay?
Bye.
Yeah.
Uh, Ross?
Isn't it that way?
Yeah. [Laughs]
Guess so.
Thank you.
Okay, so who's up to bat?
Former reality TV personality Debbie Ballard.
She's the one that ate that bull cock
To win a challenge.
Sorry, kwan. She's actually
got a special request.
Nope. Black.
Classic mud shark.
Marcus.
I can't.
Sure, you can.
It's easy.
In, out, in, out, in, out.
I can't do it.
It's gonna be outside,
So it'll help you with your
claustrophobia.
We're actually going for some
better production value.
Seriously, I don't think I can.
You can and you will.
Okay.
Okay.
Good.
Better dust off your cock, Knave.
You're on deck.
No, not happening.
No way.
Yes way.
You know how much money we'd make
If you lost your cherry on camera?
Virgins are big business, dude.
Like, I don't care.
Look, I don't mind helping you guys out,
But I will never, ever
have sex on camera, okay?
Shut the fuck up, you two.
We're gonna be late for Marcus' scene.
It's time to build the course.
[Gulp]
[Whistle]
Challenger, in order to win this,
You must up that bucket with water.
That doesn't sound hard.
You have 30 seconds
While I shoot at you with a paintball gun.
Go!
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Oh, God!
Move it, you loser.
I'm coming.
Move it!
I'm coming. Oh, God.
I'm coming.
Come on!
Come on, you pussy!
Hey!
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Four!
One!
You did it!
[Panting]
Come claim your prize.
Okay.
Time to go head first.
Yeah!
Whoa.
That's it.
Munch away, brother.
Like mashed potatoes and gravy.
Oh! Oh, yeah.
[Gasping]
I can't breathe.
My pussy's got all the oxygen you need.
Actually, there's only 6.8 ounces of oxygen
In the average vagina.
That would last a man my size
About 12 uninterrupted
minutes theoretically.
Shut up!
Yeah! Yeah!
Aah! I'm gonna blow!
What?
I'm a squirter. Yeah!
[Splat]
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
My inhaler.
My inhaler.
My inhaler.
So is she.
[Groaning]
My inhaler!
Oh, my God.
That's that guy.
That's Ed.
I heard he boned Raven Simone.
Yeah?
Yeah.
And tea-bagged Meg Ryan.
Fuck, yeah.
[Laughs]
I mean, you got to make sure to moisturize.
It's the most important thing.
Dude, I only use lotion
for when I masturbate.
Dude, you're not even capitalizing
On what lotion can do.
I mean, dude, check out my muscles.
Let me get some of that.
Get some.
Get on that.
Why would you even be waiting on anything?
I mean, just do it.
Right?
So soft and...
Ed!
Ed, dude!
What's up, brah?
Come here.
Yeah, bring it in, Ed.
Bring it in.
Yeah, what's...
Hey. Oh, dude,
You should come by the house tonight.
Oh, man, it's going to be a rager.
Oh, man, we're gonna have kegs,
Drugs. [Laughs]
Sluts. Sluts.
Definitely sluts.
All right,
Who's the next contestant on
"fuck me famous"?
We're still getting a shit ton
of fucking emails.
I just got one from a Liz Cooper.
Liz Cooper played Coach Shearson
In seasons two and three of Hoops High.
Okay.
Uh, Katie Mayer.
Katie Mayer played Janey the secretary
On the first season of Chicago Sons.
Holy shit.
She just sent us a nice little
photo of herself here.
Look at that ass.
Marcus!
Ross?
Asperger.
Uh, Marcus?
You're acting really weird today.
Did you take your medicine?
What, nothin'.
Oh, hi.
Hey, babe, what's going on?
Hi.
Uh, what's going on here, Ross?
Oh, just hangin' out.
Bein' dudes.
Looking at dirty porno on the Internet.
[Laughter]
Jk, no we're not.
We're playing card games and such.
[Laughs]
Oh, well, well.
What have we here?
Looks like our friend Jillian Bane
Just got a series regular gig
on the new CSI: Jersey.
She's going to be playing
A junkie hooker-slash-police informant.
Huh. Wow.
She went from not working
for the past six years
To getting a series regular
gig on a big network show.
Wonder what caused that, Ross.
What?
I wouldn't know.
I don't know.
Yeah, um...
Ross, can I talk to you outside?
Of course.
Dick.
Hey, if I'm not getting laid, nobody is.
So, uh, what's going on?
You're not answering my texts,
Your phone goes straight to voicemail.
I mean, if I didn't know any better,
It's like you're trying to avoid me.
No. I'm not...
I don't know.
I've just been really busy with, you know,
School and studying and other stuff.
But, hey,
You know you're the most
important thing to me, right?
Right?
I'm sorry I've been a bit distant lately.
Um, I was on the hill just
now and I saw Ed,
And, you know, palling around
With, um, Delaney Mulroy and, um...
Anyways, he gave me a letter for you,
Told me to give it to you.
Really?
Ed: "Ross dog, sex ed here.
"I'm taking a little vacation
from fucking on camera.
"Me and Delaney are going to slay
"Some sorority gash all weekend.
"But the show must go on.
"We've only got 200k left to make.
"So make sure to shoot a few videos.
"Man up, brah!
Sex Ed, out."
Oh, fuck.
Hey, watch your language.
Sorry.
Hey, I'm gonna skip my third
period psych class.
Do you want to go grab a bite to eat?
Yes.
Fuck, yeah.
Me, too.
I'm starving.
Get some. Get some.
Yeah.
Come on, dawg.
Kill it.
I can do this.
I'm the game master.
I got this.
Oh, come on.
[All three talking]
Hi, guys.
Is now a good time?
Well, can't you see that I am bus...
[Laughs]
Ahh.
Well...
Hi.
Ohh.
Isn't this special? Huh.
We got the whole fucking band here.
Ross and the skid marks.
Now, you...
Got some really big, hairy balls.
To keep taking advantage
Of those desperate girls on videotape.
No, no, no, Danny.
Uh, "Mr. Silver."
Mr. Silver, look, they...
They're contacting us, okay?
We've got all these low-rent
actresses emailing us.
[Laughing] Now, Mr. Silver, he's lying,
Your majesty.
I saw Ross talk to a girl. I did.
Jillian Banes at the comic convention.
I know. I know.
Now, that drunk bitch's career
ended years ago.
She was already dead in the water.
Nobody was ever going to
cast her again in anything.
Not until the whole world sees
Her getting her cyborg bush plowed online.
It's kind of weird, I know.
Mmm...
So that's why you shit stains
Are going to keep making your
videos with my new clients.
[Laughing]
Oh, there's no need to worry, fellas,
There's enough to go around, okay?
Yes.
And the muff scuba diver,
You're going to get another chance.
[Laughing]
Ichiro,
Get ready to get back in the game, son.
And even your dungeon master's
high-cholesterol ass
Is getting on the pussy treadmill.
What does that even mean?
Oh, yeah.
And your cameraman,
He'll have to dip his wick, too.
That's a fucking promise.
The chat room trolls
Are suckers for lily white virgins.
Ross?
Oh, now, what do we have here?
Hi. Kim.
Mmm. I'm Ross' old friend, Danny.
You're very, very attractive.
Are you an actress?
No.
Have you done any acting, uh...
Online?
Look, that's enough.
Oh, she's more than enough.
I'd really love to stay and chat a while,
But I must get going.
Kim, huh?
I'll be in touch.
You start tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Start what?
What? Uh...
What was that?
Uh, we don't really know him.
He's just one of Ed's friends.
He seems like a real slime ball.
Okay, can we go eat now?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay.
Holy shit, man.
Was he for real?
He's trying to Jack us
for our fucking sex tapes.
With his own docket of
unemployed entertainers.
This could be bad.
Never thought I'd say this, guys,
But I think we need Ed back.
Guys,
I peed my pants again.
She's here.
Who is it?
It's Meg Lingbren,
The actress that played Natalie Bernard
On the show Sin City P.D.
Oh, yeah.
I remember that show.
Holy shit.
Oh, my God, is it that showgirl?
Uh, no.
The hot detective?
No.
What?
Who is...
It's not the...
It's the chief.
How's it goin'?
So, which one of you boys
is gonna fuck me?
Answer, answer.
Ed, answer, answer, answer.
[Frat boys chanting]
Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!
[Cell phone ringing]
Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!
Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!
Sex Ed's phone!
Ross: Ed!
No, no, no, this is Delaney!
This is Delaney!
Sex Ed's busy pounding some brew dogs!
Put him on the phone, Delaney!
It's important!
All right, all right.
Shit!
There's only one thing to do, guys.
What?
Put 'em up.
Okay.
One, two, three.
Oh! God damn it!
Okay, okay, okay.
One, two, three.
Motherfucker.
Yeah, okay.
One, two, three.
Yes.
Take all the time you need, man.
It's okay.
It's all right.
[Somber music playing]
Son, it must be late there.
What's the matter?
They're with you always in your heart.
Through the most troubling times.
Kwan.
[Thud]
[Slow-motion shout]
[Shouts]
It's our biggest hit yet.
I guess people like seeing you
have giant knee-shooter jugs
Block out the sun.
This isn't cool, man.
I mean, look at kwan.
Now, we've gotta call the cops.
Impossible. Marcus, how much are we short?
$171,453.44.
We fucked our way into the tunnel,
And now we can see some light.
Yeah, whatever you say, Sex Ed.
What's that supposed to mean?
[Boing]
Wait. D-bag Silver just emailed us.
We got another client.
Who is it?
Oh, this should be interesting.
Says here plushy fetish.
I got this.
Yeah, yeah totally.
Show us how it's done, Sex Ed.
I will, virgin.
Fuck me, bucky!
Fuck me!
Yeah! Yeah, dick me, Bucky.
Dick me, dick me!
I'm gonna dick you!
Bucky, fuck me!
Oh, she's got some serious issues.
She played cheerleader Abby Collins
On Lakeway Heights for six seasons.
After the show was canceled,
she played another cheerleader,
Darcy Cummings, on Thousand
Palms for four seasons.
Yeah, I love it when you talk
dirty to me.
Talk dirty to me.
Okay, um...
You like bucky, bitch?
No!
No?
No, say it like Bucky.
Say it like Bucky.
[High-pitched voice]
You like Bucky, bitch?
No, chirp like a chipmunk!
Chirp, motherfucker!
Chirp!
[Chirping]
Yeah! Yeah!
[Laughing]
Dude.
[Both laugh]
Yeah!
Fuck me, Bucky.
[Knock on door]
Fuck me! Yeah!
Yeah, dick me, Bucky!
Dick me! Dick me!
[Gasps]
Ross, Kim's at the door.
Ross, Kim's at the door!
Cover for me.
What?
I'm not here.
No.
All right, get going.
Hey, guys.
Hi, Kimberly.
Where's, uh...
What happened to you?
Okay, whatever.
Where's Ross?
He's not here right now in this room.
Not right now.
We'll tell him you stopped by.
What are you wearing?
Black people clothes.
[Girl moaning]
What was that?
We are performing a live action
role playing exercise.
Yeah. [Chirping]
[Both chirping]
Okay, okay, you guys have fun.
Tell Ross to call me.
Okay.
Bye.
Oh, God, I almost had a fucking
heart attack.
[Laughing]
Dude, brah!
Oh, man.
Way to pound it, Sex Ed.
Yeah.
What a freak.
And I think I almost threw my
back out, too.
What's wrong with you?
Oh, my God. Kim almost busted us, man.
Oh, my God.
If she would've known I was in here,
She'd have grabbed a knife
and killed us all.
She would have.
Hey, there, chirpy chippers.
Where the hell do you think you're going?
I wasn't done with you.
Sorry, babe.
This squirrel's busted
his last nut for the night.
You're a goddamn chipmunk,
not a squirrel.
Hey, babe!
Oh! I've missed you.
So you're here.
Give me a kiss, num nums.
How you doing?
So you're here.
Yeah.
Um, I was just...
I was coming back 'cause I
want to give you a note.
Well, I'm here now.
You can just tell me what it says.
Well, no. I think you'd
really like what's in it.
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
[Laughs]
Oh. Oh, it...
Yeah.
Yeah?
You know, I think it's about time.
Yeah?
Yeah, me... me, too.
Look really, me, too. I...
But not now.
Like, not here, I mean...
Maybe somewhere special...
Hey, Ross, you want
to be my sex chipmunk?
Oh, hi. I'm Mandy,
And I love girl-on-girl.
I don't know her.
I don't know her.
Really? Kim!
What's her problem?
Atten hut!
Ten hut, general Dougie, sir.
At ease, ladies.
Now drop and give me 69.
Oh, yes general Dougie, sir.
Right after I examine
corporal Gina here
For any detonative devices.
Corporal Gina,
Are you hiding any illicit contraband?
No, sir! Ma'am.
[Laughs]
I think you have to be court-martialed
For bad, bad, bad behavior!
Oh, yeah. Let me pull out my soldier.
[Laughs]
Aah!
Oh. Oh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No other male soldiers in this,
all right?
Don't ask. Don't tell.
God damn it, Doug, I'm
cutting off your credit.
Buck.
Hi, sir.
God damn it.
You owe me $7,000 worth
of Jack-off time.
I'm not gonna extend no more
credit to you, boy.
Buck, I'm good for it.
Oh, I know you are.
In fact, I got a little
proposition for you.
Lexa, Gina...
[Laughs]
Get on out of here.
Aw!
Bye, Dougie.
I've seen your website.
I know what you're doing.
The one thing I don't understand, though,
And your deal memo stipulates
that anything you do
In terms of content producing
Belongs to me along with all assets.
What?
Yep. I want a piece of the action.
Doug, I'm willing to let all this slide
If you just partner with me
on a little side project.
I'm listening.
I wanna do a live, pay-per-view,
Internet fuck fest
With that young virgin, Ross.
One night, one hump,
$1 million.
Buck, I don't know if he will.
He's a pussy.
He's scared to fuck on camera.
Every single one of your movies
Has over 25 million views.
If we can get that young,
sweet, virgin boy
To pop his cherry and sell
the live stream for $5.00 a pop,
That's a whole bunch of clams.
I think you can do the math.
Okay, buck, let me get back to
you on that.
Oh, and, buck?
Can you please put Lexa and Gina back on?
I mean I've already gotten started.
I gotta finish up.
You fucking pervert!
Thanks, Buck.
Now where were we, ladies?
[Knock on door, dialing cell phone]
Ed: Open up, brah! Come on!
Go away!
[Line ringing]
You've gotta talk to me, home slice.
You're always the problem, Ed.
You're talking crazy.
Just let me in.
[Cell phone rings]
Come on, man.
She was bound to find out
what you were doing.
[Bottle clanks in sink]
Yeah, but I wanted to explain
it to her myself, man,
When the time was right.
When's the time right to tell
your girlfriend
That you're making porn videos
To pay off a psychopath?
You mean tell her that you
are making porn videos.
Look I may be the star,
But we're in this together, brother.
No. No, you dragged me into this shit.
Now she's gone.
Maybe that's a good thing.
What?
Look, Kim's a nice girl.
Too nice.
She's held your cock hostage
for four years.
Maybe secretly you wanted to get caught.
Now you're free.
Being free sucks.
You just gotta give it a try.
No. I want her back.
You're too much of a goddamn pussy!
I give up.
It's too much work.
You ever stop to think if I
wanted your help, Ed? Huh?
You ever think that maybe some
of us are happy the way we are?
Some of us don't have to go
around showing off
Every single second of our lives,
'Cause we don't actually hate ourselves.
Fuck you.
You're jealous.
Jealous of what, Ed?
Jealous of you fucking drunk sleazebags
And chicks who are borderline retarded?
Yes! Exactly.
God, dude, look at you.
I don't even know who you are
anymore, asshole.
Who are you calling asshole, cock?
[Both whining]
[Squealing]
Unh!
Ow!
Oh! Aah! Aah!
Ow! You're a whore!
Aah! Unh!
Jerk!
I'm sorry.
All right, brother.
Let's see how well you do without me.
Fuck you!
I'm done with all of you for
real this time!
What is the problem?
Oh, Ed's out for good.
So, yeah, we pretty much have
to come up
With the rest of the cash on our own.
What are we short?
We need to generate $98,000
in the next four days.
So according to my calculations,
We need to make two more movies,
And that should put us over the mark.
Okay, okay.
Uh, well, you're gonna have to
do it, Marcus.
'Cause Kwan's...
I respectfully decline.
I did my part, and I'm
traumatized for life.
Trying to get the taste of
female ejaculate
Out of your mouth
Is like trying to get skunk
spray off clothing.
Brush it off, man.
Doesn't matter.
You're the only one.
Frankly, I believe Ed has a point.
You're the only qualified
person yet to contribute,
And now you're single.
And factoring in your virginity,
Which increases the coefficient by 4.2.
And if we carry over the 8,
then that's... whoa.
What does it say?
What does it mean?
According to my calculations,
I believe that if you were to perform,
We will only need to make one movie.
That's impossible.
Oh! What about Doug?
Yeah, tell Kwan to get
Our next starlet on the phone.
Hey, wake up.
[Slap]
Ow. What...
Doug, you're up.
What?
You're up, man.
It's your turn to make a video.
We've got Anna Williams for you.
Who?
Uh, that chick that fell
down a well 20 years ago.
You have to have sex with her.
Me?
Yeah.
Oh, no. I'm, uh...
I'm all tapped out.
Dude, what?
No, you've been waiting for this forever.
Come on, get up.
You've gotta give me a warning,
Or I'm gonna take care of myself first.
Besides, it's 3:00 in the afternoon.
Just get Ed to do it.
I'll take care of the next one.
Ed's not available.
Okay, you do it.
No.
[Sighs]
Okay, fine.
Oh, I got it.
Perfect.
Couple of these will do the trick.
Pop 'em quick.
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Isn't one enough of those?
Better safe than sorry.
Mmm!
I wonder how long it takes for
these things to kick in.
Oh!
All right, whatever.
Let's go.
All right.
Come on. Come on.
Oh!
I don't feel too good, man.
My heart is beating really fast.
You'll be fine.
The side effects include diarrhea,
Flushing of the face, heart palpitations,
Stroke and coma.
Like I said, you'll be fine.
Go get her.
Go for it.
Hey, come on over here.
Hi.
Hi.
Whoo!
[Groaning]
Mmm!
[Laughing]
Whoo!
[Laughing and coughing]
You okay?
I'm... I'm good.
Ahh.
Okay, good.
[Coughing]
You just relax.
Okay.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Mmm!
Ooh! Do you like what you see?
Ooh, yeah. Spank me.
Yeah.
What am I supposed to do now?
Shit! Doug.
Doug, wake up.
Don't clap. Don't clap.
He's still functioning.
He's good. He's just passed out.
It says we only have to worry
If his erection lasts more
than four hours.
Eww. Are you sure he's not dead?
No, keep going.
Okay. Okay.
Should I take his pants off?
Yeah, sure.
Take 'em down.
Get comfortable.
Come on, big boy.
Ooh!
All right. Looks like we are uploaded.
[Woman moaning]
Fuck!
I can't believe it.
Why do I always miss everything?
I can't believe you let this
woman fuck me
While I was in a coma.
Yeah, she's going pretty wild here.
Ooh! Ooh, you like that?
You like that?
That might as well have been
a rock she was humping.
You didn't feel anything?
Anything at all?
No! God damn it!
Ohh!
Ooh!
I'm the first virgin that's
not a virgin.
Stop it.
It's true.
Now I know what parents feel like
When they adopt kids.
Well, we're up to 3 million
hits already
With Douglas's video.
It's good, but not good enough.
Yeah, asshole.
Hey, at least I got to have sex,
Even though I don't remember.
You just got a face full.
We're totally fucked, guys.
We have no star.
I hate to say it,
But no one can do it like Ed.
We have three days to come up
with 80 grand
Or else we go to prison,
Which means we're fucked.
African-American men are
12 times more likely to die
In prison than other ethnicities.
Think, think, think, think.
There is one way.
Doug, you're not starring
in another video.
No. Porndarosa.Cum.
They want to do a cross-promotion
with us.
Why didn't you fucking say something?
Will they pay us?
Yeah.
Not chump change, either.
We're talking one mil...
Hundred thousand dollars...
[Gasps]
If Ross agrees to lose his virginity
On a live stream pay-per-view
at the porndarosa stages.
But I knew he was too much of
a pussy to do it,
So that's why I didn't say nothin'.
Yeah, I mean...
Well...
Say we're sorry to who, Danny?
Actually, yeah.
Yeah. Why don't we just find
her house,
And I'll beg for forgiveness?
I mean...
And we apologize for recording ed
Slamming his penis into her vagina
While she was intoxicated
Under a mix of narcotics and alcohol.
I've got a better idea.
You guys stay here.
I'll apologize for us.
But just in case, uh...
Tell Porndarosa yes.
What? Really?
It's our plan "b."
Danny's second option.
If Melanie doesn't drop the
charges, then...
Call Porndarosa and tell them
to set it up.
[Doorbell buzzes]
Man, on intercom: Deliveries to
the service gate on the side.
No, I'm here to see Mellony Adams.
Is she expecting you?
No.
Then call her manager and make
an appointment.
I need to talk to her.
It's important.
Please step away from the gate.
Security will be down shortly
to escort you off the property.
No, no, no.
No, no. Just, uh...
Just tell her that I'm the guy
That put her on the Internet.
[Gate buzzes]
Mellony: So...
Ross.
So, Ross, um...
What is it that you wanted
to talk to me about?
Um, uh, just, uh...
I just wanted to see you and...
Wait.
Are you... are you the one
that I fucked?
What?
Are you the one that I fucked
from that video?
Okay, look, things are...
Things are a little fuzzy
from that night.
Don't really remember.
And I haven't really gotten
myself, you know,
Up to watch that video, so...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no, no.
That was... that was Ed.
It wasn't me.
Can I have a muffin?
Sure.
Yeah, um, so...
Can I have an orange, too?
Yeah. No, help yourself, darlin'.
Thank you.
Um, Ed? Ed?
Oh, um, okay. So...
Well, you can tell Ed...
That I said thank you for me, please.
[Laughs]
Thank you?
He saved my life.
What? You're not mad at us?
Oh, I was.
I definitely was.
But I also realized that having
sex with your...
Your friend Ed
Was the best thing that's ever
happened to me.
Okay. You see, I had hit rock bottom.
I needed to take a really long,
hard look at myself
And... And change.
But...
I'm 27 days clean.
[Laughs]
I know, it doesn't...
I know that doesn't seem like much,
But I'm actually really excited
about it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
But what about the money?
Why are you blackmailing us?
What?
Blackmailing you?
You know, the...
The half-million Danny demanded
To not send us to jail and,
like, kill us?
He did what?
Yeah, he's gonna send us all to jail
If we don't come up with 80 grand
In the next two days.
Okay, no, no, no.
Danny is crazy.
Yeah, I know. Yeah.
And I'm sorry if he hurt you.
So will you help us?
Look, I am... I am...
I am so flattered that you
came here to talk about this
And get it all out...
But I can't help you, sweetie.
I can't go back into that world.
I'm working on me.
I can't get involved.
I have to work on me.
That's what comes first.
But, um...
Please, I...
You got some news, partner?
We're ready to do this.
Under one condition:
I am the producer
And I alone handle all of the money.
I'll also need an unlimited
lifetime supply
Of live two-way Jack-off
access on Porndarosa.Cum.
You drive a hard bargain, partner.
But you got yourself a deal.
Yes!
gettin' porn money
gettin' porn and money
Lifetime supply. Yeah.
Tickle, tickle!
Tickle, tickle.
I want to spank you.
Okay, come on, Ross.
Come on, Ross.
You got this.
Come on, come on.
One drink.
Take a little drink.
Blech!
Let's roll.
[Funk music playing]
Howdy, partners.
I'm buck Hollister, president of...
What the heck?
Get the fuck outta here.
What are you...?
President of Porndarosa.Cum.
I'd like to thank you all
for tuning in tonight
To watch some hot fuck action
With one of the hottest young
cock stars in the biz.
Tonight, we got a special treat.
We're ready for you.
Okay.
You ready? You excited?
You are going to be waist deep
In some lady's vajayjay in,
like, 30 seconds.
Yeah.
I'm excited.
I'm excited for you.
Hey, I'd be out there if I could,
But can't go back on set.
Oh, jerk off once in the corner
And suddenly you're public
enemy number one.
All right. All right, got it, Scotty.
All right. Thanks, man.
Fuckin' crazy, man.
Suck it up, suck it up, suck it up.
Okay, you got this.
You got this.
We're gonna witness
America's favorite virgin, Ross Ganz,
Pop his cherry tonight live
on videotape!
[Chanting] I chi ooh la goo chi koopah!
What the hell did he just say?
I don't, um...
Do you have to go potty?
I don't know.
Jeez.
Well, here he is... Ross.
Come here, boy.
Hey.
So let me get this straight, partner.
You're a virgin?
Uh, yes. Yeah.
[Laughing] A virgin!
Whoo! Well, we're pretty fucking classy
Here at Porndarosa.Cum,
So what we did is went out
And got you an extra special
Little hussy to bang.
Are you ready to meet your
lucky starlet, stud?
Let's just get this over with, man.
Right.
Well, you know her from the magazines.
Let's all please welcome Miss
Emily Addison!
Holy shit.
Hey, Ross.
I'm a big fan of yours.
Ohh!
Saddle up, cowboy!
Time for some fuckin'!
Yee-haw!
Whoa.
Uh...
Whoa.
Uh...
[Whimpers]
Wait, wait, wait.
Aah!
Wait.
What?
You don't like me?
Yes. Yes, I do.
I just...
Holy shit, I do.
I just...
I-I-I don't know.
Get to it, kid!
You're gettin' paid to fuck!
Shut up!
Fuck this!
My God, this is insane.
I can't.
I can't do this. I can't.
I... I... I can't believe these words
Are actually coming out of my mouth,
Considering I've probably
masturbated to you
Over 1,000 times.
I know everything about you.
Oh, my God.
You're awesome.
I, uh...
I even have this little shrine
I made dedicated to you.
It took some pretty huge...
Stuff. Shut up!
You know what?
The truth is
Me and my friends are only
making these tapes
Because we were threatened
By that Hollywood agent Danny Silver,
Who's a fucking slimy cocksucker,
And I hope you're fucking
watching, motherfucker!
He threatened to beat us up
and have us arrested
And even kill us if we didn't
come up with 500 grand.
Well, here's your 500 grand
right here, motherfucker!
Come and get it, 'cause I quit!
You can beat me up.
I don't care.
Whatever, man.
All right?
Because we are done working for you.
We're done!
You bitch!
And I'll have you know,
There's only one girl I want
to lose my virginity to.
My ex-girlfriend Kim.
And she wouldn't be watching this,
Because she's not that kind of girl.
Like all you little perverts.
She's pure,
And I love that about her.
It's all this bullshit
that caused us to break up!
Fucking shit!
Hey, Kwan.
Come here.
I'm not done with you.
Look, I know you're watching, Ed.
All right?
I just want to let you know
you're not a frat guy.
Come on, you're a ninth level paladin
That's led the clan on countless
adventures.
Come on, dude.
If I had a fucking dollar
for every time you talked
About how much Delaney was a cocksucker,
Man, I'd have, like, between
84 and 130 dollars.
Hey, brah. I might've
said one or two things.
Seriously. Delaney doesn't even
like you, man.
He just hangs out with you
because you do his homework.
You know what, fuck this!
I hope you're watching, too, Delaney.
Because I'm gonna tell the Dean
on your punk ass!
Get him off the fuckin' set!
He's blocking the action!
Time to take out the garbage.
Recycle.
You can sit.
Ed!
[Speaking fantasy language]
[Speaking fantasy language]
Unhand him, you ghouls, at once!
Aah!
You guys are killing my boner.
Marcus, wake up.
Yo, what the fuck happened?
Got knocked out again, buddy.
You... you're black.
No shit, bitch.
Damn, who the fuck served me?
Dude, all those blows to your head
Somehow cured your asperger's.
Boy, you really are a pussy.
You can't even get it up for
a million dollars.
You mean 100,000.
Doug made the deal for a million.
He did?
You motherfucker!
You were gonna keep 900,000
for yourself?
Not really. I was just...
Come here!
I gonna get you!
That's some shit.
Now these motherfuckers up
in here better get ready
For an unholy beat-down
The likes of which ain't nobody
ever seen.
Gotcha
[Groans]
What you gonna do, bitch?
[Groans]
The motherfucking buck stops here.
[Smash]
God.
Whoa.
Hey, Danny.
You got a minute?
Can it wait?
Mmm...
I'm trying to do some business
over here.
Well, it's, um...
It's kind of important.
All right.
Make it quick.
Well, you're my manager, and
as an actor,
Us actors feel like it's good
to scratch
Our management's back every
once in while.
You know what I mean?
Uh-huh.
And as your best client,
I feel like I kind of owe it to you.
And you know how I roll, baby.
I'm kind of kinky.
Mellony, Mellony.
Mmm.
What did I do to deserve this?
Turn around.
[Both laughing]
Turn around.
Whoa! [Laughing]
[Moaning]
Stop it.
Look at this!
You see that?
That's called a contract, baby.
[Muffled shouting]
A contract...
One of those little bitty things
That you could never get me,
seven years.
In seven years,
You couldn't get me one of
those things.
And I just wanted you to
look at all those zeroes
That are going to be all mine.
[Muffled] That's mine!
And none of yours!
Stop it!
[Groans]
Uh-huh.
Oh, and guess what, Danny?
You're fired. Uh-huh.
You're fired, and I never want to
Ever, ever, ever see you ever again.
[Shouts]
Shut up!
Listen to me.
I should leave you with a
little something,
Though, shouldn't I?
I'm gonna give you something
before I leave
Just so you remember me by, okay?
[Moans]
So you just stay there,
And I'm gonna give you
something to remember me.
It'll be real good, okay?
Stay down.
Fuck you!
You feel that! Uh-huh!
Yeah, it feels good, right, baby?
Yeah!
Sorry I'm late for raid.
Who said you were welcome?
Yo. What up, sexy?
Don't call me that anymore.
The guys kicked me out of the frat
As soon as our videos got taken down.
So what?
I figured I would bring you
this from the P.O. Box.
Ahem.
"Ed is the grossest guy I've
ever slept with,
"Rock bottom...
What was I thinking fucking that guy?"
Yeah, I already know all this stuff.
Skip to the end.
"This letter is to inform you
that Danny Silver
"And all parties have been arrested
"On extortion charges, among
other things.
"And to inform you that
the estate of Mellony Adams
"Is dropping all charges.
All money you made is yours to keep"?
Yep.
Holy shit. We get to keep all
that money?
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry I betrayed the clan, brother.
I promise I will never be in
the wrong again.
[Speaking fantasy language]
Hey.
Um, I saw your pay-per-view.
Look, I'm sorry.
Just kiss me.
Um, I think it's about time
I gave you a real kiss.
[Laughs]
[Both panting]
Oh, yeah.
I'm sorry I made you wait for
so long.
Oh, I'm sorry for pressuring
you so much.