Celeste & Jesse Forever (2012) Movie Script
1
Oh, shit, it's work.
Wait, turn it down. Turn it down.
Hello?
Shh. Jesse.
What?
I have to give a sound bite for
the L.A. Times, so no noise for a minute.
I might actually gel a call too,
so if it's noisy, I'll be on a call.
Okay. Ready? Ahem.
All right. This year, all trends
will head toward simplicity and comfort.
Things like Roku, Vudu,
cookbooks and casual wear
will see a spike in the market.
Can I have a drag?
Yeah.
That's perfect. Thanks.
What'd you do'?
Seriously, can you not sit still
for like two minutes?
We talked about this.
No more smoking.
Hey, Disney Hall.
Yeah. I'm not doing it.
Not doing what?
I am not doing that.
- It's just a building.
- It's not trending. Ow!
Ow! Wanna go titty for titty? My arms
are longer. My boobs are smaller.
Focus on driving.
I am focused on dri-- Ow!
Great.
Jess, that place is amazing.
I'm on a really important call.
- on, okay.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
I don't know what to say.
Thank you for calling.
Is that about the job?
Awesome. Thank you so much, man.
Thank you, yeah. Talk soon.
Okay, bye.
Was that about the magazine job?
No. But, Celeste,
a swell came in last night.
Northwest.
Apparently, it is overhead
and it is glassy.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Malibu.
The waves are crushing right now.
Are you talking about surfing?
Yeah. Why are you not more excited?
I'm so psyched.
I just thought that was about that job.
The illustration job.
Right. They haven't called me back.
I'm not dying to work there.
Doesn't seem
like you're dying to work at all.
I'm putting together a show.
You know it takes time.
I know.
Okay. Can I drop you off at home now?
I just missed a wave.
At some point, I feel--
Missed another.
All right.
Two more just went by.
Okay.
I could be on those.
Take me home.
Be back by 6 so you can shower'?
Why shower?
Beth and Tucker, dinner.
Right. Yep.
Have fun shredding your glassy peel.
Oh, so wrong.
Love you.
Love you.
Thank you.
Did you guys end up
seeing that band last week?
Oh, yeah. Fuck Your Mom?
They were for reals, dude.
Yeah.
Get them as your wedding band.
They're loud but probably pretty cheap.
Or the band that opened,
Please Us, Christ. They were good.
They shredded.
It's done. I told you.
We got the greatest swing band.
Sugarfoot and the Swingin' Scrod.
We actually didn't.
We talked about this.
Swing is so late '90s.
We're not gonna do that.
We're not doing it. We're not...
I'm gonna eat your face, I love you so much.
We'll talk about it later.
And so now we turn to the menu.
Yes, I think the best
idea is to get enchiladas and tacos,
and then we split the two, ja?
This is a clinical choice,
but I must object to your strategy
for I wish to enjoy the tacos alone.
No, but that is not fair.
As long as I can have some bites, ja?
But we know about your bites, don't we?
No.
You take one and then you take many.
Ja, this is true.
Ja, you do.
This is true.
We can't do this anymore.
on, God. on.
Honey, weddings are so stressful,
but I promise you, we know.
- You guys will be fine.
- Just fine.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, we are fine.
No, we're good.
What the fuck are you two doing?
What do you mean?
Yeah.
What do I mean?
You two are not together.
It's not normal, okay?
You guys have been separated
for six months.
You're getting divorced, all right?
And you spend every day together
hanging out as if, like, it's no big deal.
Guess what. It's fucking weird.
I don't think this is--
Tell them what you think.
Let's not play charades. It's weird.
There's no charades being played here.
No charades.
No charading.
No.
We are separated, and we're friends.
You guys should be happy.
We fought all the time.
We don't anymore.
You don't have to choose sides.
It's the perfect breakup.
Yeah, everyone's cool.
Everyone is not cool.
Not cool.
No one is cool here.
I'm sorry.
I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.
Baby.
Beth.
JESSE
Beth is so angry.
Ja, she is fiber angry.
This is too weird.
Hey, C.
Hmm?
Can you help me with something?
What?
Oh...
Don't wanna pressure you
into anything
but this gentleman is awfully lonely
and just--
Here, I'll show you how it works. Just-
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, he likes that.
Wait, be quiet. My roommate's next door.
Don't make any sound.
All right. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh! Oh!
Dude.
That was a big one.
Yeah.
Beth and Tucker are crazy.
Crazy.
Right?
Yes.
I mean, it is not weird
that we hang out all the time.
Do you think it's weird?
No. You're my best friend.
Yeah. You're my best friend too.
Last time we didn't speak
for more than a week was in 10th grade
when you went
to Space Camp Canada.
That was a brutal five weeks.
Mm.
The antigravity training was crazy,
though.
But I missed you.
Me too. Heh.
Uh-oh.
Look who's back.
His recovery time is insane.
Oh, no.
He's a college boy
and he's ready to rock.
Here we go. Oh!
Ugh. I'm exhausted.
Yeah, me too.
Dessert was good, right?
Oh, so good.
Night.
Night.
Hey, it's kind of chilly tonight.
How's your heat in there?
It's fine. I'm fine.
Okay. Good.
Hey, sorry I'm still living back here.
Stay as long as you want.
It's your studio.
Also, it's really nice having you here.
For me too.
Night.
Night. Love you.
Love you too.
- Are you gonna--? No.
- Here's your chai latte.
- Can I get a large coffee to go?
- Soy cappuccino for David.
Uh...
Excuse me, sir? Sir.
Sir. Yeah, you. Sorry.
You do realize that you just cut
in front of a bunch of people, right?
I'm so sorry. I didn't know.
Did you not know?
I'm just in a big rush, so...
So you did know.
And I'm sure everyone here is in a rush.
Okay, is this really happening?
She was looking at the pastries,
so l just-- I thought...
It's not just her.
It's everyone behind her.
If you wanna ask every single person
if it's okay that you cut, be my guest.
Don't assume your time
is more important than others'.
Thank you for the lecture.
Have a great day, everybody. Not you.
American culture is dying, and there's
an unrelenting appetite in this country
for reality shows,
talentless pop stars like Riley Banks,
recycled, bloated movie franchises.
The more we consume crap,
the more we want crap.
You are what you eat.
It sounds utterly hopeless.
ls there an upshot?
I think there will be a groundswell
movement toward simplicity.
People will crave spiritual,
mental and physical nourishment.
It'll be back to basics.
Wow. A lot to chew on.
For more on this gloomy
but interesting subject,
look out for Celeste Martin's
new book, Shitegeist,
on bookshelves Monday.
I had dinner with the drama club.
Who's that?
Beth and Tucker.
They left in the middle of dinner
because they don't approve
of me and Jesse hanging out.
It is so judgy. We're fine. If we were gay,
we wouldn't be having this conversation.
We'd just be friends.
You are not ready to let go of each other.
There's nothing wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with it.
I mean, what do you think?
Well, to be honest--
Oh, my God.
We're signing Riley Banks?
What the fuck, Scott?
I just trashed her on TV.
That's why I wanted you to come in
It's a huge account.
We built this company so we didn't
have to sign accounts like Riley Banks.
You and I may not have a company
if we don't take Riley Banks.
I don't understand.
She's like a vagina and a hairdo.
She's releasing a new CD.
She wants us to do the branding
and merchandising.
Ugh. Fine.
I'm gonna go eat my feelings.
If you want my opinion,
I do think you should start dating.
Scott, I'm fine.
I have so much time. I'm not worried.
Do me a favor and get your fuck on
before you meet the next guy.
What is that? What are you doing?
Sorry. I was trying to be
your saucy gay friend.
Didn't feel good.
No. Don't. Mm-mm.
The economic climate
is real bad, man.
I think my business
is taking the hardest hit of all.
It's brutal. Is it just me
or is nobody talking about it?
You sell weed, Skillz.
Not for long, dude.
You seen those weed pharmacies
on every fucking corner?
They're killing me.
I mean, I think I gotta branch out,
start working in methamphetamines.
Or teach preschool, you know?
I love kids, and l just, I don't know,
always wanted to do that.
Sorry, dude.
I know this is serious talky time,
but look at the fucking seat on that girl.
That is a party.
I don't think it's over.
What? Her butt? No, it goes on forever.
No, man. Me and Celeste.
She's overwhelmed and confused,
but I think she's gonna come around.
Oh, no. Really, pal?
I mean, it's been a while, you know,
but I think it's time to accept that
and move on.
Call that dime Veronica.
No, dude. That was a one-time thing.
Celeste does not know about it,
so don't tell her.
I didn't know that was a hit-and-run.
It's not like you really liked her, so...
She was cool, but she's not Celeste.
Okay, but remember,
you can't reheat a souffle.
What does that mean?
It's L.A. There's Bettys everywhere.
It's good to remind Celeste
you can pull a little wool.
Make her sweat a bit.
Yeah, I guess.
- How are you?
- Good.
So, what do you want, man?
Maybe I just don't wanna start over.
No, I meant, like, what do you want?
Do you want yogurt?
Can I have a goji-berry-and-green-tea
swirl with yogurt chips and Cap'n Crunch?
Would you go out with my friend ever?
No.
Where's your wife?
You guys are here every day together.
We're actually separated.
Oh, cool.
I mean, bummer or whatever,
but, okay, I'll go.
Just like that.
Cool.
You want it swirled or side by side?
What?
I need to say one thing.
Then I'm not gonna say
another word about it.
I'm sorry I wigged on you at dinner.
But I think it's stupid you're not together.
I do. You guys are best friends.
That's the hard part.
Nothing else matters.
Beth, I love Jesse dearly
but he doesn't have a checking account
or dress shoes.
The father of my children
will have a car. You know?
Jesse will always be my best friend.
Okay. I said what I had to say.
Not gonna say another word.
I just needed to say that.
It's a huge mistake
that he's living in that guesthouse.
You are breaking his heart, slowly.
Jesse is fine.
He's fine.
Hey.
You're not working?
You're watching
the Beijing Olympics again?
And you're crying again.
Matthias' wife died
in a car accident last year.
Uh-huh. Hey, did you finish that artwork
for the Pop Form website yet?
No, it's not done yet.
I'm still working on it.
I think you're gonna like it.
Can you finish it tonight?
Um...
No. Actually...
Sit down for one second.
I wanna tell you something important.
Oh. Okay.
Does it have something to do
with the work you owe me
that's late
that we were just talking about?
Tonight I am going on a date.
And I'm gonna date people.
That's great.
It is?
Yeah.
No, Jess. Please don't cry again.
Good for you.
Huh.
Doesn't bother you?
No.
Okay. Yeah, it's yogurt girl
from Yogurt Yurt.
Yogurt girl. Yeah, she's cute.
She's really young, right?
Super young, yeah.
But her body is, like, all-time.
Okay, there's no need for that, but--
Wow, that's great. That's really great.
This is good.
You gotta crawl before you walk.
She's not gonna be wifey number two,
but whatever.
No. It's just a date.
Hey. Big move.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
Can I get up now?
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
You're gonna be great. Call me after.
Ew. No.
I was in school, but I dropped out
because I wanna work in fashion.
But it's really hard
to find a paid internship.
So I went back to school,
and now I work at Yogurt Yurt.
I'm looking to make money
doing something I love.
I'm sure the universe has my back.
The right thing will come along,
you know?
I mean, you get it, obviously, right?
Totally.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, Jesse.
- Shh.
"Do It on My Face"?
This song is about being who you are.
Unless who you are sucks. Ha-ha.
Ugh. Ew.
Everybody shut up.
They said it would be in new releases.
Where is it?
No.
Now, that's what I call placement.
You shouldn't steal it,
even if it is your book.
I'm just rearranging some things.
There.
You can't do that.
Yes, I can.
An employee didn't pick you.
Doesn't matter.
Hey- Employee picks.
Congrats. That's awesome.
Thanks.
What happened?
Employee picks.
Wow.
Jesse?
Hey.
Veronica.
Hey-
He)'
How's it going?
Good.
Yeah?
Yeah. Um...
How you been?
I've been good.
How have you been?
Good.
You look great.
Thanks. You too.
What are you doing here?
Uh...
Checking out books.
Same.
Yep. Ha-ha-ha.
How's your clothespin collage going?
You remember that.
It's good. It's good. Slow but good.
Well, don't give it up,
because it's really unique and beautiful.
I hope that didn't sound too--
No, no. That's really sweet and--
Good.
Yeah, that means a lot. Thank you.
You're welcome.
I had so much fun with you that night.
I'm sorry I didn't call.
I had a lot of fun too.
Cool.
Hey.
Hi.
I have to find more places
to put my book.
Veronica, these are my friends.
Celeste.
Hi.
Beth and Tucker.
Hi.
- On. Hi.
- Hey.
How are you? Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
Oh, wow. You wrote that book.
I just read an excerpt online.
It's really compelling.
Thank you. That's very nice.
You're welcome.
Well, nice to meet you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
See you later.
Bye.
Bye.
What was that?
Veronica.
Story?
No story.
Just a girl I met a little while ago.
She's pretty.
She looks like a young me.
Ahem. Excuse me. Hi.
Do you have any more copies
of this book Shitegeist
for me to give to my friends?
Because I heard ifs excellent.
No, no.
Just one second. Hey.
- Just got out of the show.
- How was it?
Fucking dope.
Hey, are you busy now?
No, I'm not busy.
Can you help me build this dresser?
Okay.
I can't do it alone.
All right, all right. Okay, bye.
Jesse, I need you.
I gotta go home.
After the show, it's the after-party.
I know, but she's got an IKEA dresser
she needs me to help her "build."
Oh, it's like that?
I told you, man,
she just needed a little bit more time.
I got this.
Oh, she's about to get it.
I'm in here. Fuck Sweden.
What up?
It's easier to build the Brooklyn Bridge.
We got this. It's just a dresser.
Fucking fuck. Fuck me!
What, do they make a piece of furniture
that's impossible to build on purpose
just to fuck with you?
Thank you.
Wait.
I've got it.
- Perfect.
- Fucking layup.
It's like Koons meets Basquiat meets...
Serra meets...
Corky from Life Goes On.
He's a vegan, you know.
Oh, cherish.
That is so cute.
You're cute.
You're cute.
Hmm.
Hey. What are you doing?
I love you.
Okay.
Oh.
That was a bad idea. So sorry.
No, don't be sorry. It was nice.
Jess.
Come on.
Drinking and the dresser and...
I think, you know...
We're seeing other people.
Well, yeah, but just because...
Oh, God.
I'm an idiot.
I just thought--
You thought what?
Well, I wasn't clearly thinking,
or else I wouldn't have let that happen.
You didn't think
we were getting back together.
It's not like...
You know, there's a guy
you can call at IKEA.
He'll build your dresser for you.
You should call him.
Probably fuck you too.
Oh, Jess.
I'm a fucking idiot.
Oh, Jess, come on. Jesse.
Jess?
Jess?
Hey, Jess, it's me. Uh...
I'm on my way to the airport,
but I wanted to talk to you.
I don't know what happened last night.
Uh, I hope you're okay.
Okay, bye. Call me.
Hey, you've reached Jesse.
Leave me a message.
Hey, it's me again.
I'm in San Francisco.
I'm going to Boston tomorrow.
And I miss you.
Call me. Okay. Bye.
I'm sorry.
Of course.
Stupid.
Hey, you're back. I wanna talk to you.
I know. I wanna talk to you too.
Where have you been?
It's been like two weeks.
There's so much to lay down.
Pay-per-view porn is available
in Cantonese now.
Really?
Yeah .
I'm really near your house. Can I just come by?
It's kind of important.
There's 68 colleges in Boston. Why
were the kids in my group so dumb?
I mean, they were, like,
barely making sense.
They were not speaking English.
Hey. I really gotta tell you something.
Actually, me loo.
Wait. Are you gay?
Please tell me you're gay.
That'd be so funny.
No. Not gay.
This is going to be hard to believe-
But you went on another date.
I'm having a baby.
Huh?
I'm having a baby.
What do you mean?
I'm having a child.
With another person?
Yes, with another person.
Wait, what?
Sorry. What...?
What the fuck? With who?
You met her, actually,
the other day at the bookstore.
Oh.
But that's not even physically possible.
That was two weeks ago.
Yeah. Heh. Uh...
Truth is,
I slept with her like three months ago.
Oh.
Shit. Okay.
Well, I didn't know about that, but that's
not important right now. Okay. Um...
What do you need me to do?
Oh, no.
You don't have to do anything.
I really wanna make it work with her.
Excuse me one second.
Hello.
What?
I said, hello.
Oh. Hi.
How's your practice?
How's my practice?
It's fine.
I'll get that mat for you.
Thanks.
I see you here a lot.
You've got a great Warrior 2.
Your Chaturanga is,
like, incredibly balanced.
I'm still working that position, but...
Are you single?
Are you really doing this right now?
You're really doing this.
I know. I'm gonna go for it. I don't do this.
It's just happening. I'm gonna...
Gonna jump right in there.
I'm jumping in.
Captain Conversation.
Do you--? Hey, I'm Paul. Put it there.
Oh.
Celeste.
Celeste.
That's a great name
So here's my card.
That's my number, e-mail
If you need to fax me--
You bring cards to yoga?
Hi. How are you? Come on in.
Great ow today.
I'm not good at this. Little help?
Financial analyst. Cool.
Not really. It's not that cool. It's all right.
Did you tell me what you did for a living?
No, I didn't.
Well, will you? I'd love to know.
I'm a trend forecaster. I forecast trends.
Trend forecaster. Yeah.
You serious?
I thought you were fucking with me.
You traded in your Porsche for an Audi
because you're afraid you'll lose your job.
You bought a Droid because
it makes you seem business-oriented
unlike the iPhone,
for teenage girls.
You go to yoga because
you went to a sub-Ivy League school.
You spent the last 10 years
working long hours.
You thought it was time
to do something spiritual.
It was nice to meet you, Paul.
He)'-
He)'
Where were you on the New York call?
Oh. I figured you could handle it.
Yeah. Well, anyway,
the artwork came in from Berlin.
It's good, but it--
Breaking news.
Jesse is having a baby with some girl.
Whoa. Wow.
Did you even know
he was seeing someone?
No, it's somebody he slept with once
months ago.
Now he's gonna try to "make it work."
Plane crash. Ha-ha.
I don't even know what to say.
I'm so sorry, Celeste. Are you okay?
Scott, I'm totally fine. Yes.
Are you?
Yes.
I wasn't gonna have his baby,
so good for him.
I'm not in love with him anymore.
It makes it easier.
I have a date tonight, actually.
Hmm. That's great.
Feel like it might be nice to go out
and be admired.
I agree. Go be admired.
Who knows? You may actually
simulate human emotion.
Thank you.
Thank you.
My foot actually pronates
so my IT band is strained
when I run, which is painful.
The foot specialist
made me these orthotics.
They shape around my foot.
They make it so much better.
I cannot explain how amazing it feels.
I'm one of those people who--
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My ex is here.
Oh, we made eye contact.
I think it's-- It's okay.
Maybe he didn't see me.
Nope, he saw me. He saw me.
It's okay.
Oh. He's coming over here now.
Know what? You should leave.
What?
Yeah, you should go.
I'm not gonna leave.
It would be better.
It's too late because
he's here now. Hey.
Hey. How's it going?
Good.
Thought I'd say hi. I'm Jesse
That's Mac.
Uh-- It's Max.
Matt.
Nope, Max.
Nice. Cool.
We're just eating. I'm on a date
We're on a date. I'm dating.
Oh, cool. The puttanesca
special is the bomb here.
Oh, good news. That's what I ordered.
Nice. Cool.
Who are you here with?
Oh, I'm just rolling solo,
watching the Lakers game.
- It's Kobe-LeBron, right?
- Yes.
- So psyched.
- Yeah, man, epic.
TiVo'd it.
Nice. Cool.
- Well, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
C, good to see you. Have fun.
He's cool.
Uh-huh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Are you okay?
What? Oh, nothing.
Do you like bread?
Ah. That was great.
Should we do it again?
Wednesday? Sushi?
Um...
I don't think we should.
Because of the mercury poisoning?
My acupuncturist said that's a myth.
No. I think that...
I think you could use a little more time
to get over your divorce.
I mean, look, it took me a long time
to start dating after mine. I gel it.
Heh. I appreciate your concern,
but I'm fine.
I guess you're just
not a match for me, so...
Yeah. Well, um...
Have a good night.
Thanks. Okay.
And, um, good luck.
Pfft. Whatever.
Hi, honey. Beth.
Hi. Hi.
Wow, you're really out of breath.
I'm sorry, did you fucking run here?
From your house? Yeah-
I started running. It's really fun.
Okay, you're sopping in sweat.
Isn't that like 12 miles?
Thirteen-point-six.
But it's good because it just, like,
really gets my endorphins up.
It helps me clear my head.
The Riley account is a handful.
I have been so swamped.
Good. I'm glad you've been so busy.
Have you spoken to Jesse?
I actually ran into him,
and I thought he was looking a little fat.
Really? I feel like when I saw him,
he was looking kind of fit.
So you saw Jesse? Hmm.
Yeah. Yeah, I have. I've seen him.
And you've hung out
with what's-her-name?
Veronica? Yes, I have.
Mm-hm.
Can I get a rush delivery on that?
She's dumb, right?
No, she's not dumb. She's, um...
She's simple.
Does 7 a.m. to 9 p.m.
work as a window for you?
Simple means dumb, though.
No, actually.
Simple in a really elegant way.
Elegant. Oh.
I think we're done here.
Yeah, that window is fine.
I thought you would be happy for Jesse.
Oh, no, I totally am.
I just didn't realize
that Monica was elegant.
You know her name's Veronica. And
honestly, honey, you'd really like her.
Okay, don't do that.
Are you having regrets about Jesse?
What? No. Not one.
Mm.
Will you let me drive you home?
I'm afraid you'll drown.
Okay. I actually have a date tonight.
I should probably shower, right?
Yeah, I would. Yes, shower.
Who's the date?
Rupert Bates.
Rupert Bates. The Gap model?
Mm-hm.
Oh, my God. He's so hot.
But he's like 11 years old.
He's actually 22.
Skillz set me up with him.
He's gonna be a star.
He's filming 20,000 BC right now,
which is the prequel to 10,000 BC.
Oh, fuck, I love that movie.
I know.
Yay. That was so good.
I wrote it for my mom.
Lucky lady.
Why do you wanna follow your mom
to the moon?
She's the best. You'd love her.
Yeah. I bet.
So how do you know Skillz?
Skillz provides me
with the happy smoky green treats.
Awesome.
I'm sorry, but you are just...
Oh. Oh.
Hello, special one.
Mm. No. Ahem.
This is crazy, but I just totally forgot
I left a candle burning at my house.
I have to go.
No, of course.
I'm so sorry.
I'll send you a copy of the song
when it's done.
Oh. My hair is so dry. It looks like straw.
Here, do you want an Adderall?
No, that shit makes me feel like a robot.
Speaking of robot,
who designed this place?
I feel like Spock
is about to walk around the corner.
Hi, Riley. I'm Celeste.
I'm a partner at Pop Form.
I just wanted to introduce myself.
Wow. You're kind of pretty.
Thank you.
I'm just gonna sneak in here.
Why am I breaking out?
Too much sugar, coffee, alcohol. Oh.
Mm. I think it's my new skin regime.
Yeah.
It's, uh, "regimen."
What?
A regime is a system of government.
The word is-- The word's "regimen."
Oh. Thanks, Scrabble.
It was really nice to meet you.
In thinking about your brand, we wanted
a sense of where you currently exist.
We set up a number of focus groups.
You test really high in the Midwest,
which is wonderful.
We'll be rolling those out
to a few different cities.
Celeste has come up with a number of
ideas for logos, which are looking great.
Celeste, you wanna...?
Yes. Yes. Here.
Our first round is based heavily
on a kind of hip-hop,
retro, throwback, industrial flair.
The one I was talking
to my girl Savannah about.
Really trying to get the
urban avor in there for the tweens.
Do you guys have any snacks?
Like sushi?
Hello, special one.
Ugh.
Sounds so awful.
It was so awful.
I mean, where are the guys
who don't wear makeup for a living?
How about a little intellect?
Intellect never hurt anybody.
Wait. You never met Nick, right?
Nick?
Nick Moran.
The photographer?
No. You know him?
Yeah, we went to school together.
This could be perfect.
I'm uncomfortable with
dating, and I don't really like any of it.
Trust me, you will like him.
And also, I love cock.
You gotta work a little
harder to integrate the gayness, Scott.
Yeah.
Good night.
Night.
Great.
I'll hook that up tomorrow.
Oh! Nailed it. Way to go, Becky.
Go, team, right?
Yeah!
What the fuck is a BabyBjorn?
It's a very, very tiny Swedish man.
A child carrier that allows the baby
to benefit from intimacy
without the confinement of a stroller.
How do you know that?
Beth.
Yeah, we go to a lot of baby showers.
I put a lot of babies in the ladies.
How's Celeste?
Who?
Celeste.
She's all right.
I'm kind of fine-tuning her cannabis
levels right now, but she's okay.
She doesn't smoke weed.
She does now. She loves that shit.
Fucking Snoop Dogg-
Birthing towel, breast pump,
Diaper Genie? Fuck.
I'm seriously having a baby.
You'll do great, man.
Hey, Skillz. Who's your buddy?
I thought he was your friend.
Really?
Not with me
I don't know him.
I waited like 21 hours,
three of them soaked in my own pee.
Oh, my God.
But I finally got the shot of Gaddafi.
My God, I've totally seen this one.
You've seen it?
Yeah.
I'm such a big fan. That's so cool.
Thank you.
I feel like he's kind of smiling.
He is.
I mean, I think the piss stain running
down my jeans made him laugh.
Seriously, I was soaked.
The world will think you're brilliant.
I'll be the only one who knows.
What? Oh.
We missed our reservation for 8:30.
Oh, no.
You want me to call down,
see if they can still take us?
Should l just, like...?
You guys still take us
for like 9, 9:15?
I don't think anybody--
Is that cool?
You can't do that?
You can.
I just don't think anybody will hear you.
You know what?
I actually would be cool--
Let's just get room service.
Room service?
Yeah.
Okay. I could do room service.
Cool.
That sounds good. I like that.
I'm so happy this worked out.
It's so nice to meet you.
Can't remember the last time
I felt like this.
Yes.
What are you doing?
What do you think I'm doing?
No, no, no. Don't do that.
Things were going so well.
Shh. I want you to watch me.
There's no watching.
I'm almost there.
Where? Don't. No. I can't--
Almost there.
Um... Ooh.
Yeah, come on. That's it.
Move.
Yeah, it's coming.
Here it comes. Here it comes.
Hey. So I'm glad we can meet up.
There's this place by me, Vegan Vittles
on Elysian Way. Call me if you get lost.
What the fuck is a vegan vittle?
Just tell her to be here tomorrow.
Hey.
Sorry, one second.
Just have to send this e-mail.
There. Hi.
Hi. What's up?
Ugh. A lot.
Can I get some coffee, please?
We have yerba mat.
Oh. Um... Green tea?
We have decaf green tea.
I'll just get some water.
Okay. Anything for you?
- I'd like the veganchilada, please.
- Sure.
- Cashew-cheese sauce on the side.
- Yeah.
I'd like to take a look
at your seaweed menu.
Yeah. There you go.
No, I'm good, thanks.
Oh. Awesome. Baltic kelp.
Yep.
Ha-ha. I'll have that. Thank you.
Wow.
You look good.
Thanks. You look good too.
Oh. I've been doing a lot of Pilates.
Really?
Yeah. Veronica's a dancer.
She has all this equipment at her house,
so I've just been getting into it.
Well, I know all this
has been really weird.
It's only weird if you think it's weird.
Okay.
There's apparently a holdup
on the divorce papers on your end,
and Veronica's actually
not a citizen, so--
What? Where's she from?
Belgium.
Oh. Belgium. Elegant.
What?
Nothing.
Point is, we need to get married,
and I'm really sorry to bug you, but I
really need you to sign those papers.
Uh-huh. Heh.
Okay, Jesse.
Well, I've been busy with work,
because some of us work for a living
so I'm sorry I haven't had time to focus
on helping you get on with your new life.
I know. I'm sorry.
What makes you think you're suitable
to be a dad, even?
We never talked about kids.
You had reservations about kids.
I had reservations about kids with you.
Yeah, well, ditto.
I think Veronica's
gonna be an amazing mother.
Low blow.
I'll sign the papers.
You're ridiculous.
This place is ridiculous.
Fucking cashew-vegan-kelp bullshit.
Jesse's a fucking vegan?
Yeah, a vegan whose work
is being shown.
At the Gagosian.
At the Gagos--?
What?
Yep.
How does anybody even know
about his art--?
Know what?
I don't wanna know anything.
My God, he's on fire right now.
Breaking up with me
was the best thing he ever did.
I should break up with me.
Oh, stop.
Somebody else's success
does not mean your demise.
Except for Jesse's.
- What are you guys dressed as again?
- Bieber.
Ooh. He just got a buzz cut.
What? Fuck!
Shut up- When?
Like two hours ago. It was on Perez.
Goddamn it.
His hair was everything.
He's really talented.
What's with the costume parties
in the middle of the summer? Hot.
I need to fucking drink.
- Car bombs in the fucking kitchen.
- Yes.
No.
Yes, I'm doing that. Yes.
You wanna wait a little bit?
I say "car," you say "bomb." Car!
Bomb!
Three, two, one, drink!
- Three, two, one. She lost.
- Come on.
- She lost.
- That's pretty good for--
No, don't be nice. Hey.
Ugh.
What even are you supposed to be?
Yeah.
What? Oh, white trash.
What is that?
White trash.
White "shrash"? Shrash?
White trash.
It's white trash.
Celeste.
Yoga.
I haven't seen you there in a while.
I know. I've been running a lot.
It really helps you keep in better shape.
I can see that's important to you.
Mm. How's your practice?
That's funny. White trash?
Mm-hm. What are you?
I'm a cereal killer, obviously.
Hey, you were right.
What do you mean?
You were right about me.
The car, the phone,
the yoga.
Except I went to an Ivy League school.
I went to Cornell.
Congratulations.
Thanks, man.
That's barely an Ivy
I know.
Barely.
Do you smoke?
At parties.
Let's go. Me too.
I'm sorry for that day at the studio.
I just feel really open after yoga.
Shh. Don't say "open." No.
Your costume is so great.
You're gonna ruin it.
I'm kidding.
You know why I go to yoga?
I go to yoga to meet girls.
I believe that.
You do?
Yeah. Heh.
Speaking of, what's the deal
with you and me? I mean, are we...?
Is it happening or what?
Um...
Well, the deal with you and me
is that my husband of six years
wants a divorce
because he wants to marry the woman
who's carrying his child.
That's the deal with you and me.
Sounds tough.
He barely knows her.
He's just lost,
and he's just going about everything
so wrong.
And you're right.
Now what?
What does that mean?
I mean, do you wanna be right,
or do you wanna be happy?
Okay, listen, Yoga, I don't wanna be right.
I know I'm right, okay?
People will let you down.
I have accepted that fact.
But knowing that,
makes it impossible to be happy.
But at least it's fucking real.
No one has ever given
a more self-righteous monologue
- wearing a trash bag.
- Shut up.
Oh, whoa.
Okay, drunkie, let's go home.
Paul.
Justin Bieber.
Justin Bieber. Hi.
Justin Bieber too.
Hi.
Just kidding. Beth.
You want another drink?
Two.
One drink.
One drink.
Hey, you've reached Jesse.
Leave me a message.
Hey, I still have a bunch of your shit.
I'm just gonna drop it off. Okay.
You're gonna be a really good dad.
What made you say that?
Um... I don't know. I just know it.
Well, that's an extravagant purchase for
a freelance artist and his Belgian bride.
Oh. Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
I just realized
I don't know your middle name.
Um... It's, um, Godelieve.
Goldleaf?
No, Godelieve.
It means loved by the gods."
It's Dutch.
Pretty.
Thanks.
What's yours? Ha-ha-ha.
Mordechai.
Okay. What does it mean?
It means I'm very, very Jewish.
Right.
Celeste?
Hey.
Hey. What are you doing here?
Um, l just was dropping off
some of your stuff.
Why were you in the trash can?
I lost something.
In the trash?
Yeah.
It was my bracelet, but I got it back.
So it's-- I'm fine.
Oh, you remember Veronica.
Yes. Hi. Wow, you're so pregnant.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
I love your sweater.
Oh, thank you.
Good compliment.
I'm gonna go,
because I'm late for something, so--
Sure you don't wanna come in for tea?
No, no, you guys have a good afternight.
I'm gonna--
Is that mine?
What? Oh. Yeah,
I don't know how I got-
I'm so glad we did this. Bye, you guys.
Okay.
Step out of the shadows, girl,
and into the light.
Chips are gonna fall, you know?
No need to trip.
What are they like together?
Who?
Oh, Jesse and Veronica?
Yeah.
They're okay, you know?
He's trying, but it's not all rainbows
and unicorns over there, you know?
So they're not happy?
No, I didn't say that.
Listen, he's my friend, you know,
and I love him,
but you're my friend too, you know?
And if you ever need, like,
any kind of special friendship,
you know, like, just someone
to be with you and hold you
and caress you and be good to you
in ways that maybe guys aren't,
I think I could be that guy.
No.
Good. Good, good. Uh...
So where do you live?
I'm in Westwood, in a condo.
- Cool.
- You're gonna love this place.
Never been so relaxed in your life.
- Oh...
- There you go.
This is a very
unique place to take a date.
Yeah, Hake all my dates here.
Oh, I feel so special.
You are.
Right, Nana?
They all are.
How's being right going for you?
Oh, you know, not that well, really.
I was on a real winning streak
That's why I called you.
You know what? I'm happy you did.
Why would you take me to a place
where Asian people beat you up?
But how do you feel?
I feel... l feel really good, actually.
So shut up, then.
What are we doing now?
Don't try to control everything.
You need to let go.
In yoga, we call it vairagya.
Don't with the yoga.
- Yo.
- What's up.
What's going on?
How you doing?
Hey, this is Celeste.
Celeste, what's up? Matt.
Is Louis here? Yeah? Good crowd?
Good crowd? Like your grandma?
Where are we?
What is this?
This is her first time here.
Check it out.
Oh, my God.
Wow. This place is really cool.
You sound surprised.
I am surprised. You live in Westwood.
What do you want to drink?
Uh-- Beer?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
How you doing, man?
Hi, sweetheart. Can I get two beers?
Don't burn yourself. Jesus.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Cheers.
Cheers.
This is quite a spot.
Uh-oh. Oh, no.
You like to dance?
Yeah. Guess you do too.
You're good.
Oh, you're good.
Whoo.
Whoo.
What was that for?
Vairagya, bro.
Don't try to control everything.
I really like the logo.
Oh, good. Yeah, I think it's perfect.
Yeah, the Keith Haring influence
is pretty cool.
Yeah, there is a little bit
of that going on. Wow.
Are you mocking me?
No, l just, uh--
I'm impressed that you know about art.
Why? Because I'm a pop star
or because I was homeschooled?
Whatever.
Do you know what your problem is?
Contempt prior to investigation.
I'm sorry?
You think you're smarter than everybody,
and that is your dark little prison.
Nice shoes.
Dark little prison?
You don't know my life.
You don't know me.
You know what's a dark little prison
is having to wear midriffs fora living.
That's a dark little prison
Give me a break.
That's what I'm talking about.
What the fuck?
I started smoking again.
Yeah, I can see that.
I don't know what the rules are,
and I'm sure I'm breaking them,
but I really miss you.
Do you wanna come in?
Veronica's actually pretty good friends
with the assistant gallerist there,
and he really liked my stuff, so...
I don't know, we'll see.
Jess, that's so great.
I'm so happy for you.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's great.
Whoo.
I should probably get home.
Yeah.
It's really nice to see you.
You should go.
Can't we just lie here a little bit?
Can't believe I'm having a baby
and it's not with you.
Yeah?
Hey, we have
a massive problem on our hands.
I don't, uh-- I don't see anything.
Hmm? It's a penis and a butt.
Really? No, I don't-- I don't see it.
There's a penis, and there's
the penis going into the butt.
Oh... Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it's a cock-
It's a cock-- It's a cock in a butt.
Oh, my Go--.
Oh, my God. That's really bad.
This isn't a joke, Celeste.
There's homosexual butt sex
in the logo.
Does Riley think we're stupid?
I mean, who are these sick people?
Neither Riley nor a representative
from Pop Form,
the marketing company responsible,
could be reached-
There you go.
Let me know if you need anything else.
Thanks.
He!'-
He)'
Thanks for meeting me here.
I don't know what I'm wearing.
You kind of look like a crazy cat lady.
Yeah.
I just can't buy anything nice,
because they'll just ruin it, you know?
Look, Celeste--
No, let me just say something, okay?
I don't know what's going on
in your other situation,
but for the record, I fucked up.
I was cavalier with you,
and I took us for granted.
And I know this sounds crazy,
but I would be remiss if l didn't just--
If you were open to it,
I feel like I could do better,
with you, with us.
And if there is still a chance,
I'd love to know.
Jesse.
I'm sorry.
I can't.
Hey.
Hey. Why'd you come over last night?
I don't know.
No, I think you do know.
It was a mistake. I shouldn't have come.
You fucking coward.
I'm having a baby.
I need to figure out a way
to make it work with Veronica.
I'm trying to change.
Why didn't you change for me?
I don't think you really wanted me to.
Wow. Wow.
All I did was wait for you to grow up.
I rooted for you.
I fucking paid for everything.
I did everything for you.
Yeah, and I was never your equal.
I think you preferred it that way.
Wait. Wail. I know that my success
was never okay for you.
What do you want?
I want you to admit that you're wrong.
Wrong about what?
What did you expect me to do,
wait for you to meet someone first?
Is that how you saw it happening?
Look, I didn't expect to meet someone
so fast, but I did.
I have a real chance of being happy.
I don't wanna blow that.
Well, you know what, Jesse?
You definitely will blow it.
Wow.
You know, I feel sorry for you.
You might actually be alone
your whole life.
Don't ever call me.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
No, no, no.
No, no.
Okay.
Thank you.
- Ugh. He's so sad.
- Totally.
Wait. Hmm?
No. He's painting little rabbits.
He's so happy.
He's so sad. I know. I went to art camp.
Oh, word?
Fuck.
All right.
If that's how it's going down,
that's how ifs going down right now.
Hit it. Go get it.
That's the best thing
that's happened to me in months.
Shit will get better.
Will it? You don't know that.
I can't believe he did this to me.
Who? J?
He didn't do nothing.
You wanted a divorce.
Yeah, but I didn't want it like this.
When we're no longer able
to change a situation,
we're challenged
to change ourselves.
Huh? Hmm.
Viktor Frankl.
Or Biggie Smalls.
It might be Biggie Smalls.
I don't know. I don't remember.
Fuck, man. I am fucking high.
Are you high?
I'm so high. All right, I gotta go.
Can I come?
No.
Can you get me some Del Taco?
No.
Do you think the Obamas
really love each other?
Yeah. Yeah, I really do.
No more questions.
Take it easy on that shit.
It is not for kids.
Ow.
Hey.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
You remember Eileen.
You have more ranch dressing?
It's the fucking bomb.
Did you finish--?
Beth is getting married.
I was married once. You remember?
These guys are in for a fucking dogfight.
Let's go get you a soda.
A dogfight.
You're a dogfight.
I don't wanna be alone forever.
Oh, honey.
You're not gonna be alone forever.
You're just in a time-out
till you sober up.
I'm gonna sit here.
I'm not gonna embarrass you, okay?
Okay-
Okay'
We should get Nick
Nolte out of here, huh?
Hey, Riley. I am calling to talk to you
about the error in your logo.
I'm so, so sorry.
And l just wanna let you know
that I am on top of it.
Please call me back. Thank you.
Do you feel like the dress I'm wearing
reads more like eggshell or rose petal?
Rose petal's okay. Eggshell is too
whitish to do two days in a row.
You look great.
Honey, I need your help.
I have like an hour, and you owe me
because you humped
my nana yesterday.
The fuck does Riley Banks know?
Uh-- Nothing. She's a tart.
Yes, she's a tart.
She's got a cute little hot bod.
Ew.
She's moderately talented.
Not even.
Five years and it's a wrap on that face.
If. Three, four.
Why is she telling me anything
about my life?
She's a stupid litt-
What? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I never hung up.
I didn't hang up the call.
Crap.
You gotta get it.
Hey, Riley, what's up?
Hi. Um...
Listen, I-- This is a really nice place.
The thing is, I've been having
a hard time in my own life.
So when you said that thing
about contempt and investigation--
Can you just shut up for a minute?
I just found out
that my boyfriend cheated on me.
Oh.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
I didn't even know you had a boyfriend.
Yeah, exactly. Nobody knew.
He didn't want anyone to know, because
it would be bad for his image and...
He's just such a fucking asshole.
Now my career might be over because
you decided to put a penis in my logo.
Thank you for that.
I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Come here.
Why?
Come here. Just come here. It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
I'm just so sad. And tired.
And now I'm gonna be alone like you.
Okay, you don't know
what you're saying right now. It's okay.
Are you crying about sports?
Just reminds me of someone.
Is this about a girl?
I'm not gay.
No, I know. I meant a boy.
Yeah.
Do you miss him?
Yeah, I do.
They all fucking suck.
Kind of.
It really never gets better?
Like, not even when you're old?
No.
But you do.
Can we hug again?
Yeah.
I won't, no. Crap.
No, no, no. I'm at the airport.
Beth, I'm sitting at the gate.
Of course I have my dress.
Hi, sir. I'm so sorry to bother you,
but is there any way I could cut in line?
I'm the maid of honor at this wedding.
Hi. I'm sorry to bother you.
Maybe you heard me talking to the last
gentleman, but I need to get my dress.
She pursued her love
Of Spanish men
But missed her Tucker
More than just a friend
Our princess returned home
To her loving prince
And they've been together
Ever since
We love you, Bethy.
Now we're gonna turn it over
to Celeste,
Beth's best friend in the world.
Wow. Oh. That-- Thanks, girls.
That was...
There are no words for what that was.
Um... Ahem.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
You fuck her.
Thank you, Reverend.
Appreciate it a lot.
It is not easy to get to Rhode Island
from Los Angeles.
There was a cab to a plane
to a cab to a train to a rental car.
There was maybe a rickshaw
in there somewhere.
Maybe a donkey. Heh-heh.
But the truth is,
I would go anywhere for Beth
because she's my best friend
and I love her so much,
and I'm so happy for her.
When we were in college,
senior year we had this tradition.
Beth and Tucker
and me and Jesse would meet,
come rain or shine,
every Sunday at the Bishop.
And there was always something there
with these two,
even though they were just friends.
Just, like, an ease that they had
with each other.
They are perfect.
At last, love wins.
Beth and Tucker,
you guys are lucky,
so lucky to be best friends.
Work hard at that.
And respect that.
Um... Be patient.
And, uh...
you don't always have to be right.
Even if you are,
doesn't fucking matter anyway.
Fight for it every day.
I wish I had.
Cheers.
This might not be the best time
to talk about it,
but at some point we're gonna
have to address Tucker's dance moves.
Wow. Heh.
He's so special.
So your speech was, uh...
beautiful?
Thank you.
I meant it.
I know.
You know what else is beautiful?
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
Do we dare?
We do.
Here, in front of everyone?
Of course.
All right, maybe just once.
Oh, my God.
Talk to me. Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.
Pointy tip, thick stem.
You're a bad boy.
You're a grower.
You have graduated
and moved on to an adult life.
Oh, God. Oh, no.
Oh, God. Oh, no.
I'm a baby corn. I'm not a big corn.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God. Oh.
Oh, dude, it's so rotten.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you guys doing?
Oh, nothing. Just...
It's this thing that Jesse and I do.
We take this thing that resembles,
like, a tiny little penis,
Ah...
- I don't really get it.
- It's stupid.
It's stupid.
They're about to serve dinner.
Okay.
Wanna sit down?
Yeah, yeah.
See you on the dance floor, Celeste?
Yeah.
Do it, do it, do it.
- I love you, baby.
- I love you, baby.
It sounds like the most
embarrassing speech ever.
How are you gonna
show your face again?
Yeah, well, weirdly, I'm happy that I did it.
I feel better somehow.
This song is my bitch! Yeah!
Wow. The gays
really know how to party, huh?
What do you mean?
This is a gay club.
It's opening night.
It doesn't know what it is yet.
Riley, the club is called Swallow.
I totally dated that guy.
Excuse me. Could you tell your friend
Riley that we worship her?
She's so pretty.
Sure. I'll tell her
when she's done dancing.
You are aware that the logo is a...?
A dick in a butt? Yeah.
All of our friends are, like, rocking it.
It's kind of become like gay Izod.
It's amazing.
- Yo.
- The tweens
don't want her anymore
Scott, but the gays do.
You're gay. Start thinking gay.
Ten percent of Americans are gay.
Gay Izod. It's great.
She could be Lady Gaga
by this time next year. Huge market.
Wow. You might have turned
the cock in the butt around.
Cock in the butt is gonna be huge.
Hi.
Thirty-eight points for me,
plus 50 points for using all my tiles.
- Wait, wait, wait. "Zooecia"?
- Yeah.
No, that's not a word.
That's my hoochie cousin's name.
So I was at this club the other night,
and there was a tranny dressed like me.
Oh, my God, that's so sweet.
I know.
That's a huge compliment.
He was so hot too.
Wow. That is so sweet. Ha-ha-ha.
I mean, it was still me.
Celeste.
Rupert.
You never called me back.
You know, I think I lost my...
Do you know Riley? This is Rupert.
Hi. I'm actually a big fan.
Likewise.
Ahem.
Get in there. Get in there.
Very gentle.
Help me out here.
All right, both of us.
I can't do it.
This. I'm sorry.
What do you mean?
Are you serious? Why?
I, uh... Ahem.
I think I need to be alone.
I'm getting a divorce.
I know you're getting divorced.
I know,
but I think I have to do that alone.
Yeah.
I respect that.
You're not ready till you're ready.
Don't force it.
That's some yoga shit.
But I like you.
So when you're ready,
if you're ready, you call me.
Okay?
And sign here and here.
There? Yeah.
Mm-hm.
And initial here, sign here.
And...
Here, sign, and here.
I like that tie.
Oh, thanks.
Is it made out of organic mung beans?
No, actually,
I found it digging through your trash.
Well, we're divorced.
Yep.
We did it.
We nailed that divorce.
What are you doing right now?
Cantonese voices. No respect
for when their mouths are actually open.
Oh, my God.
I don't think I could focus on it.
You couldn't.
It's not sexy, but ifs damn funny.
It's beautiful.
I thought you hated it.
Never seen it at night.
Hey.
I know we just got divorced,
but nobody died, right?
I don't know. It's just...
I was just thinking about how...
you were right.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Do you love her?
Then it's worth fighting for.
Okay.
Now I know why you fucking cry
all the lime.
This shit's emotional.
I've been trying to tell you.
You deserve to be happy.
And I want that for you. Always.
Me too.
I love you.
I love you loo.
It's late. I'm gonna walk you to your car.
You probably should.
I should. I don't want you to get mugged
by someone from the philharmonic.
Good idea.
Hey, you've reached Paul.
Leave a message.
Hey.
You're probably giving your card
to some girl in yoga right now
but if that doesn't work out for you,
I think I'm ready...
to beat you in Scrabble.
Okay.
Hi.
Excuse me, sir?
Yeah?
Never mind.
I'm so sorry for cutting.
My dog's in the car and he's
really thirsty, so thanks.
No problem.
Hi.
Oh, shit, it's work.
Wait, turn it down. Turn it down.
Hello?
Shh. Jesse.
What?
I have to give a sound bite for
the L.A. Times, so no noise for a minute.
I might actually gel a call too,
so if it's noisy, I'll be on a call.
Okay. Ready? Ahem.
All right. This year, all trends
will head toward simplicity and comfort.
Things like Roku, Vudu,
cookbooks and casual wear
will see a spike in the market.
Can I have a drag?
Yeah.
That's perfect. Thanks.
What'd you do'?
Seriously, can you not sit still
for like two minutes?
We talked about this.
No more smoking.
Hey, Disney Hall.
Yeah. I'm not doing it.
Not doing what?
I am not doing that.
- It's just a building.
- It's not trending. Ow!
Ow! Wanna go titty for titty? My arms
are longer. My boobs are smaller.
Focus on driving.
I am focused on dri-- Ow!
Great.
Jess, that place is amazing.
I'm on a really important call.
- on, okay.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
I don't know what to say.
Thank you for calling.
Is that about the job?
Awesome. Thank you so much, man.
Thank you, yeah. Talk soon.
Okay, bye.
Was that about the magazine job?
No. But, Celeste,
a swell came in last night.
Northwest.
Apparently, it is overhead
and it is glassy.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Malibu.
The waves are crushing right now.
Are you talking about surfing?
Yeah. Why are you not more excited?
I'm so psyched.
I just thought that was about that job.
The illustration job.
Right. They haven't called me back.
I'm not dying to work there.
Doesn't seem
like you're dying to work at all.
I'm putting together a show.
You know it takes time.
I know.
Okay. Can I drop you off at home now?
I just missed a wave.
At some point, I feel--
Missed another.
All right.
Two more just went by.
Okay.
I could be on those.
Take me home.
Be back by 6 so you can shower'?
Why shower?
Beth and Tucker, dinner.
Right. Yep.
Have fun shredding your glassy peel.
Oh, so wrong.
Love you.
Love you.
Thank you.
Did you guys end up
seeing that band last week?
Oh, yeah. Fuck Your Mom?
They were for reals, dude.
Yeah.
Get them as your wedding band.
They're loud but probably pretty cheap.
Or the band that opened,
Please Us, Christ. They were good.
They shredded.
It's done. I told you.
We got the greatest swing band.
Sugarfoot and the Swingin' Scrod.
We actually didn't.
We talked about this.
Swing is so late '90s.
We're not gonna do that.
We're not doing it. We're not...
I'm gonna eat your face, I love you so much.
We'll talk about it later.
And so now we turn to the menu.
Yes, I think the best
idea is to get enchiladas and tacos,
and then we split the two, ja?
This is a clinical choice,
but I must object to your strategy
for I wish to enjoy the tacos alone.
No, but that is not fair.
As long as I can have some bites, ja?
But we know about your bites, don't we?
No.
You take one and then you take many.
Ja, this is true.
Ja, you do.
This is true.
We can't do this anymore.
on, God. on.
Honey, weddings are so stressful,
but I promise you, we know.
- You guys will be fine.
- Just fine.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, we are fine.
No, we're good.
What the fuck are you two doing?
What do you mean?
Yeah.
What do I mean?
You two are not together.
It's not normal, okay?
You guys have been separated
for six months.
You're getting divorced, all right?
And you spend every day together
hanging out as if, like, it's no big deal.
Guess what. It's fucking weird.
I don't think this is--
Tell them what you think.
Let's not play charades. It's weird.
There's no charades being played here.
No charades.
No charading.
No.
We are separated, and we're friends.
You guys should be happy.
We fought all the time.
We don't anymore.
You don't have to choose sides.
It's the perfect breakup.
Yeah, everyone's cool.
Everyone is not cool.
Not cool.
No one is cool here.
I'm sorry.
I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.
Baby.
Beth.
JESSE
Beth is so angry.
Ja, she is fiber angry.
This is too weird.
Hey, C.
Hmm?
Can you help me with something?
What?
Oh...
Don't wanna pressure you
into anything
but this gentleman is awfully lonely
and just--
Here, I'll show you how it works. Just-
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, he likes that.
Wait, be quiet. My roommate's next door.
Don't make any sound.
All right. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh! Oh!
Dude.
That was a big one.
Yeah.
Beth and Tucker are crazy.
Crazy.
Right?
Yes.
I mean, it is not weird
that we hang out all the time.
Do you think it's weird?
No. You're my best friend.
Yeah. You're my best friend too.
Last time we didn't speak
for more than a week was in 10th grade
when you went
to Space Camp Canada.
That was a brutal five weeks.
Mm.
The antigravity training was crazy,
though.
But I missed you.
Me too. Heh.
Uh-oh.
Look who's back.
His recovery time is insane.
Oh, no.
He's a college boy
and he's ready to rock.
Here we go. Oh!
Ugh. I'm exhausted.
Yeah, me too.
Dessert was good, right?
Oh, so good.
Night.
Night.
Hey, it's kind of chilly tonight.
How's your heat in there?
It's fine. I'm fine.
Okay. Good.
Hey, sorry I'm still living back here.
Stay as long as you want.
It's your studio.
Also, it's really nice having you here.
For me too.
Night.
Night. Love you.
Love you too.
- Are you gonna--? No.
- Here's your chai latte.
- Can I get a large coffee to go?
- Soy cappuccino for David.
Uh...
Excuse me, sir? Sir.
Sir. Yeah, you. Sorry.
You do realize that you just cut
in front of a bunch of people, right?
I'm so sorry. I didn't know.
Did you not know?
I'm just in a big rush, so...
So you did know.
And I'm sure everyone here is in a rush.
Okay, is this really happening?
She was looking at the pastries,
so l just-- I thought...
It's not just her.
It's everyone behind her.
If you wanna ask every single person
if it's okay that you cut, be my guest.
Don't assume your time
is more important than others'.
Thank you for the lecture.
Have a great day, everybody. Not you.
American culture is dying, and there's
an unrelenting appetite in this country
for reality shows,
talentless pop stars like Riley Banks,
recycled, bloated movie franchises.
The more we consume crap,
the more we want crap.
You are what you eat.
It sounds utterly hopeless.
ls there an upshot?
I think there will be a groundswell
movement toward simplicity.
People will crave spiritual,
mental and physical nourishment.
It'll be back to basics.
Wow. A lot to chew on.
For more on this gloomy
but interesting subject,
look out for Celeste Martin's
new book, Shitegeist,
on bookshelves Monday.
I had dinner with the drama club.
Who's that?
Beth and Tucker.
They left in the middle of dinner
because they don't approve
of me and Jesse hanging out.
It is so judgy. We're fine. If we were gay,
we wouldn't be having this conversation.
We'd just be friends.
You are not ready to let go of each other.
There's nothing wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with it.
I mean, what do you think?
Well, to be honest--
Oh, my God.
We're signing Riley Banks?
What the fuck, Scott?
I just trashed her on TV.
That's why I wanted you to come in
It's a huge account.
We built this company so we didn't
have to sign accounts like Riley Banks.
You and I may not have a company
if we don't take Riley Banks.
I don't understand.
She's like a vagina and a hairdo.
She's releasing a new CD.
She wants us to do the branding
and merchandising.
Ugh. Fine.
I'm gonna go eat my feelings.
If you want my opinion,
I do think you should start dating.
Scott, I'm fine.
I have so much time. I'm not worried.
Do me a favor and get your fuck on
before you meet the next guy.
What is that? What are you doing?
Sorry. I was trying to be
your saucy gay friend.
Didn't feel good.
No. Don't. Mm-mm.
The economic climate
is real bad, man.
I think my business
is taking the hardest hit of all.
It's brutal. Is it just me
or is nobody talking about it?
You sell weed, Skillz.
Not for long, dude.
You seen those weed pharmacies
on every fucking corner?
They're killing me.
I mean, I think I gotta branch out,
start working in methamphetamines.
Or teach preschool, you know?
I love kids, and l just, I don't know,
always wanted to do that.
Sorry, dude.
I know this is serious talky time,
but look at the fucking seat on that girl.
That is a party.
I don't think it's over.
What? Her butt? No, it goes on forever.
No, man. Me and Celeste.
She's overwhelmed and confused,
but I think she's gonna come around.
Oh, no. Really, pal?
I mean, it's been a while, you know,
but I think it's time to accept that
and move on.
Call that dime Veronica.
No, dude. That was a one-time thing.
Celeste does not know about it,
so don't tell her.
I didn't know that was a hit-and-run.
It's not like you really liked her, so...
She was cool, but she's not Celeste.
Okay, but remember,
you can't reheat a souffle.
What does that mean?
It's L.A. There's Bettys everywhere.
It's good to remind Celeste
you can pull a little wool.
Make her sweat a bit.
Yeah, I guess.
- How are you?
- Good.
So, what do you want, man?
Maybe I just don't wanna start over.
No, I meant, like, what do you want?
Do you want yogurt?
Can I have a goji-berry-and-green-tea
swirl with yogurt chips and Cap'n Crunch?
Would you go out with my friend ever?
No.
Where's your wife?
You guys are here every day together.
We're actually separated.
Oh, cool.
I mean, bummer or whatever,
but, okay, I'll go.
Just like that.
Cool.
You want it swirled or side by side?
What?
I need to say one thing.
Then I'm not gonna say
another word about it.
I'm sorry I wigged on you at dinner.
But I think it's stupid you're not together.
I do. You guys are best friends.
That's the hard part.
Nothing else matters.
Beth, I love Jesse dearly
but he doesn't have a checking account
or dress shoes.
The father of my children
will have a car. You know?
Jesse will always be my best friend.
Okay. I said what I had to say.
Not gonna say another word.
I just needed to say that.
It's a huge mistake
that he's living in that guesthouse.
You are breaking his heart, slowly.
Jesse is fine.
He's fine.
Hey.
You're not working?
You're watching
the Beijing Olympics again?
And you're crying again.
Matthias' wife died
in a car accident last year.
Uh-huh. Hey, did you finish that artwork
for the Pop Form website yet?
No, it's not done yet.
I'm still working on it.
I think you're gonna like it.
Can you finish it tonight?
Um...
No. Actually...
Sit down for one second.
I wanna tell you something important.
Oh. Okay.
Does it have something to do
with the work you owe me
that's late
that we were just talking about?
Tonight I am going on a date.
And I'm gonna date people.
That's great.
It is?
Yeah.
No, Jess. Please don't cry again.
Good for you.
Huh.
Doesn't bother you?
No.
Okay. Yeah, it's yogurt girl
from Yogurt Yurt.
Yogurt girl. Yeah, she's cute.
She's really young, right?
Super young, yeah.
But her body is, like, all-time.
Okay, there's no need for that, but--
Wow, that's great. That's really great.
This is good.
You gotta crawl before you walk.
She's not gonna be wifey number two,
but whatever.
No. It's just a date.
Hey. Big move.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
Can I get up now?
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
You're gonna be great. Call me after.
Ew. No.
I was in school, but I dropped out
because I wanna work in fashion.
But it's really hard
to find a paid internship.
So I went back to school,
and now I work at Yogurt Yurt.
I'm looking to make money
doing something I love.
I'm sure the universe has my back.
The right thing will come along,
you know?
I mean, you get it, obviously, right?
Totally.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, Jesse.
- Shh.
"Do It on My Face"?
This song is about being who you are.
Unless who you are sucks. Ha-ha.
Ugh. Ew.
Everybody shut up.
They said it would be in new releases.
Where is it?
No.
Now, that's what I call placement.
You shouldn't steal it,
even if it is your book.
I'm just rearranging some things.
There.
You can't do that.
Yes, I can.
An employee didn't pick you.
Doesn't matter.
Hey- Employee picks.
Congrats. That's awesome.
Thanks.
What happened?
Employee picks.
Wow.
Jesse?
Hey.
Veronica.
Hey-
He)'
How's it going?
Good.
Yeah?
Yeah. Um...
How you been?
I've been good.
How have you been?
Good.
You look great.
Thanks. You too.
What are you doing here?
Uh...
Checking out books.
Same.
Yep. Ha-ha-ha.
How's your clothespin collage going?
You remember that.
It's good. It's good. Slow but good.
Well, don't give it up,
because it's really unique and beautiful.
I hope that didn't sound too--
No, no. That's really sweet and--
Good.
Yeah, that means a lot. Thank you.
You're welcome.
I had so much fun with you that night.
I'm sorry I didn't call.
I had a lot of fun too.
Cool.
Hey.
Hi.
I have to find more places
to put my book.
Veronica, these are my friends.
Celeste.
Hi.
Beth and Tucker.
Hi.
- On. Hi.
- Hey.
How are you? Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
Oh, wow. You wrote that book.
I just read an excerpt online.
It's really compelling.
Thank you. That's very nice.
You're welcome.
Well, nice to meet you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
See you later.
Bye.
Bye.
What was that?
Veronica.
Story?
No story.
Just a girl I met a little while ago.
She's pretty.
She looks like a young me.
Ahem. Excuse me. Hi.
Do you have any more copies
of this book Shitegeist
for me to give to my friends?
Because I heard ifs excellent.
No, no.
Just one second. Hey.
- Just got out of the show.
- How was it?
Fucking dope.
Hey, are you busy now?
No, I'm not busy.
Can you help me build this dresser?
Okay.
I can't do it alone.
All right, all right. Okay, bye.
Jesse, I need you.
I gotta go home.
After the show, it's the after-party.
I know, but she's got an IKEA dresser
she needs me to help her "build."
Oh, it's like that?
I told you, man,
she just needed a little bit more time.
I got this.
Oh, she's about to get it.
I'm in here. Fuck Sweden.
What up?
It's easier to build the Brooklyn Bridge.
We got this. It's just a dresser.
Fucking fuck. Fuck me!
What, do they make a piece of furniture
that's impossible to build on purpose
just to fuck with you?
Thank you.
Wait.
I've got it.
- Perfect.
- Fucking layup.
It's like Koons meets Basquiat meets...
Serra meets...
Corky from Life Goes On.
He's a vegan, you know.
Oh, cherish.
That is so cute.
You're cute.
You're cute.
Hmm.
Hey. What are you doing?
I love you.
Okay.
Oh.
That was a bad idea. So sorry.
No, don't be sorry. It was nice.
Jess.
Come on.
Drinking and the dresser and...
I think, you know...
We're seeing other people.
Well, yeah, but just because...
Oh, God.
I'm an idiot.
I just thought--
You thought what?
Well, I wasn't clearly thinking,
or else I wouldn't have let that happen.
You didn't think
we were getting back together.
It's not like...
You know, there's a guy
you can call at IKEA.
He'll build your dresser for you.
You should call him.
Probably fuck you too.
Oh, Jess.
I'm a fucking idiot.
Oh, Jess, come on. Jesse.
Jess?
Jess?
Hey, Jess, it's me. Uh...
I'm on my way to the airport,
but I wanted to talk to you.
I don't know what happened last night.
Uh, I hope you're okay.
Okay, bye. Call me.
Hey, you've reached Jesse.
Leave me a message.
Hey, it's me again.
I'm in San Francisco.
I'm going to Boston tomorrow.
And I miss you.
Call me. Okay. Bye.
I'm sorry.
Of course.
Stupid.
Hey, you're back. I wanna talk to you.
I know. I wanna talk to you too.
Where have you been?
It's been like two weeks.
There's so much to lay down.
Pay-per-view porn is available
in Cantonese now.
Really?
Yeah .
I'm really near your house. Can I just come by?
It's kind of important.
There's 68 colleges in Boston. Why
were the kids in my group so dumb?
I mean, they were, like,
barely making sense.
They were not speaking English.
Hey. I really gotta tell you something.
Actually, me loo.
Wait. Are you gay?
Please tell me you're gay.
That'd be so funny.
No. Not gay.
This is going to be hard to believe-
But you went on another date.
I'm having a baby.
Huh?
I'm having a baby.
What do you mean?
I'm having a child.
With another person?
Yes, with another person.
Wait, what?
Sorry. What...?
What the fuck? With who?
You met her, actually,
the other day at the bookstore.
Oh.
But that's not even physically possible.
That was two weeks ago.
Yeah. Heh. Uh...
Truth is,
I slept with her like three months ago.
Oh.
Shit. Okay.
Well, I didn't know about that, but that's
not important right now. Okay. Um...
What do you need me to do?
Oh, no.
You don't have to do anything.
I really wanna make it work with her.
Excuse me one second.
Hello.
What?
I said, hello.
Oh. Hi.
How's your practice?
How's my practice?
It's fine.
I'll get that mat for you.
Thanks.
I see you here a lot.
You've got a great Warrior 2.
Your Chaturanga is,
like, incredibly balanced.
I'm still working that position, but...
Are you single?
Are you really doing this right now?
You're really doing this.
I know. I'm gonna go for it. I don't do this.
It's just happening. I'm gonna...
Gonna jump right in there.
I'm jumping in.
Captain Conversation.
Do you--? Hey, I'm Paul. Put it there.
Oh.
Celeste.
Celeste.
That's a great name
So here's my card.
That's my number, e-mail
If you need to fax me--
You bring cards to yoga?
Hi. How are you? Come on in.
Great ow today.
I'm not good at this. Little help?
Financial analyst. Cool.
Not really. It's not that cool. It's all right.
Did you tell me what you did for a living?
No, I didn't.
Well, will you? I'd love to know.
I'm a trend forecaster. I forecast trends.
Trend forecaster. Yeah.
You serious?
I thought you were fucking with me.
You traded in your Porsche for an Audi
because you're afraid you'll lose your job.
You bought a Droid because
it makes you seem business-oriented
unlike the iPhone,
for teenage girls.
You go to yoga because
you went to a sub-Ivy League school.
You spent the last 10 years
working long hours.
You thought it was time
to do something spiritual.
It was nice to meet you, Paul.
He)'-
He)'
Where were you on the New York call?
Oh. I figured you could handle it.
Yeah. Well, anyway,
the artwork came in from Berlin.
It's good, but it--
Breaking news.
Jesse is having a baby with some girl.
Whoa. Wow.
Did you even know
he was seeing someone?
No, it's somebody he slept with once
months ago.
Now he's gonna try to "make it work."
Plane crash. Ha-ha.
I don't even know what to say.
I'm so sorry, Celeste. Are you okay?
Scott, I'm totally fine. Yes.
Are you?
Yes.
I wasn't gonna have his baby,
so good for him.
I'm not in love with him anymore.
It makes it easier.
I have a date tonight, actually.
Hmm. That's great.
Feel like it might be nice to go out
and be admired.
I agree. Go be admired.
Who knows? You may actually
simulate human emotion.
Thank you.
Thank you.
My foot actually pronates
so my IT band is strained
when I run, which is painful.
The foot specialist
made me these orthotics.
They shape around my foot.
They make it so much better.
I cannot explain how amazing it feels.
I'm one of those people who--
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My ex is here.
Oh, we made eye contact.
I think it's-- It's okay.
Maybe he didn't see me.
Nope, he saw me. He saw me.
It's okay.
Oh. He's coming over here now.
Know what? You should leave.
What?
Yeah, you should go.
I'm not gonna leave.
It would be better.
It's too late because
he's here now. Hey.
Hey. How's it going?
Good.
Thought I'd say hi. I'm Jesse
That's Mac.
Uh-- It's Max.
Matt.
Nope, Max.
Nice. Cool.
We're just eating. I'm on a date
We're on a date. I'm dating.
Oh, cool. The puttanesca
special is the bomb here.
Oh, good news. That's what I ordered.
Nice. Cool.
Who are you here with?
Oh, I'm just rolling solo,
watching the Lakers game.
- It's Kobe-LeBron, right?
- Yes.
- So psyched.
- Yeah, man, epic.
TiVo'd it.
Nice. Cool.
- Well, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
C, good to see you. Have fun.
He's cool.
Uh-huh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Are you okay?
What? Oh, nothing.
Do you like bread?
Ah. That was great.
Should we do it again?
Wednesday? Sushi?
Um...
I don't think we should.
Because of the mercury poisoning?
My acupuncturist said that's a myth.
No. I think that...
I think you could use a little more time
to get over your divorce.
I mean, look, it took me a long time
to start dating after mine. I gel it.
Heh. I appreciate your concern,
but I'm fine.
I guess you're just
not a match for me, so...
Yeah. Well, um...
Have a good night.
Thanks. Okay.
And, um, good luck.
Pfft. Whatever.
Hi, honey. Beth.
Hi. Hi.
Wow, you're really out of breath.
I'm sorry, did you fucking run here?
From your house? Yeah-
I started running. It's really fun.
Okay, you're sopping in sweat.
Isn't that like 12 miles?
Thirteen-point-six.
But it's good because it just, like,
really gets my endorphins up.
It helps me clear my head.
The Riley account is a handful.
I have been so swamped.
Good. I'm glad you've been so busy.
Have you spoken to Jesse?
I actually ran into him,
and I thought he was looking a little fat.
Really? I feel like when I saw him,
he was looking kind of fit.
So you saw Jesse? Hmm.
Yeah. Yeah, I have. I've seen him.
And you've hung out
with what's-her-name?
Veronica? Yes, I have.
Mm-hm.
Can I get a rush delivery on that?
She's dumb, right?
No, she's not dumb. She's, um...
She's simple.
Does 7 a.m. to 9 p.m.
work as a window for you?
Simple means dumb, though.
No, actually.
Simple in a really elegant way.
Elegant. Oh.
I think we're done here.
Yeah, that window is fine.
I thought you would be happy for Jesse.
Oh, no, I totally am.
I just didn't realize
that Monica was elegant.
You know her name's Veronica. And
honestly, honey, you'd really like her.
Okay, don't do that.
Are you having regrets about Jesse?
What? No. Not one.
Mm.
Will you let me drive you home?
I'm afraid you'll drown.
Okay. I actually have a date tonight.
I should probably shower, right?
Yeah, I would. Yes, shower.
Who's the date?
Rupert Bates.
Rupert Bates. The Gap model?
Mm-hm.
Oh, my God. He's so hot.
But he's like 11 years old.
He's actually 22.
Skillz set me up with him.
He's gonna be a star.
He's filming 20,000 BC right now,
which is the prequel to 10,000 BC.
Oh, fuck, I love that movie.
I know.
Yay. That was so good.
I wrote it for my mom.
Lucky lady.
Why do you wanna follow your mom
to the moon?
She's the best. You'd love her.
Yeah. I bet.
So how do you know Skillz?
Skillz provides me
with the happy smoky green treats.
Awesome.
I'm sorry, but you are just...
Oh. Oh.
Hello, special one.
Mm. No. Ahem.
This is crazy, but I just totally forgot
I left a candle burning at my house.
I have to go.
No, of course.
I'm so sorry.
I'll send you a copy of the song
when it's done.
Oh. My hair is so dry. It looks like straw.
Here, do you want an Adderall?
No, that shit makes me feel like a robot.
Speaking of robot,
who designed this place?
I feel like Spock
is about to walk around the corner.
Hi, Riley. I'm Celeste.
I'm a partner at Pop Form.
I just wanted to introduce myself.
Wow. You're kind of pretty.
Thank you.
I'm just gonna sneak in here.
Why am I breaking out?
Too much sugar, coffee, alcohol. Oh.
Mm. I think it's my new skin regime.
Yeah.
It's, uh, "regimen."
What?
A regime is a system of government.
The word is-- The word's "regimen."
Oh. Thanks, Scrabble.
It was really nice to meet you.
In thinking about your brand, we wanted
a sense of where you currently exist.
We set up a number of focus groups.
You test really high in the Midwest,
which is wonderful.
We'll be rolling those out
to a few different cities.
Celeste has come up with a number of
ideas for logos, which are looking great.
Celeste, you wanna...?
Yes. Yes. Here.
Our first round is based heavily
on a kind of hip-hop,
retro, throwback, industrial flair.
The one I was talking
to my girl Savannah about.
Really trying to get the
urban avor in there for the tweens.
Do you guys have any snacks?
Like sushi?
Hello, special one.
Ugh.
Sounds so awful.
It was so awful.
I mean, where are the guys
who don't wear makeup for a living?
How about a little intellect?
Intellect never hurt anybody.
Wait. You never met Nick, right?
Nick?
Nick Moran.
The photographer?
No. You know him?
Yeah, we went to school together.
This could be perfect.
I'm uncomfortable with
dating, and I don't really like any of it.
Trust me, you will like him.
And also, I love cock.
You gotta work a little
harder to integrate the gayness, Scott.
Yeah.
Good night.
Night.
Great.
I'll hook that up tomorrow.
Oh! Nailed it. Way to go, Becky.
Go, team, right?
Yeah!
What the fuck is a BabyBjorn?
It's a very, very tiny Swedish man.
A child carrier that allows the baby
to benefit from intimacy
without the confinement of a stroller.
How do you know that?
Beth.
Yeah, we go to a lot of baby showers.
I put a lot of babies in the ladies.
How's Celeste?
Who?
Celeste.
She's all right.
I'm kind of fine-tuning her cannabis
levels right now, but she's okay.
She doesn't smoke weed.
She does now. She loves that shit.
Fucking Snoop Dogg-
Birthing towel, breast pump,
Diaper Genie? Fuck.
I'm seriously having a baby.
You'll do great, man.
Hey, Skillz. Who's your buddy?
I thought he was your friend.
Really?
Not with me
I don't know him.
I waited like 21 hours,
three of them soaked in my own pee.
Oh, my God.
But I finally got the shot of Gaddafi.
My God, I've totally seen this one.
You've seen it?
Yeah.
I'm such a big fan. That's so cool.
Thank you.
I feel like he's kind of smiling.
He is.
I mean, I think the piss stain running
down my jeans made him laugh.
Seriously, I was soaked.
The world will think you're brilliant.
I'll be the only one who knows.
What? Oh.
We missed our reservation for 8:30.
Oh, no.
You want me to call down,
see if they can still take us?
Should l just, like...?
You guys still take us
for like 9, 9:15?
I don't think anybody--
Is that cool?
You can't do that?
You can.
I just don't think anybody will hear you.
You know what?
I actually would be cool--
Let's just get room service.
Room service?
Yeah.
Okay. I could do room service.
Cool.
That sounds good. I like that.
I'm so happy this worked out.
It's so nice to meet you.
Can't remember the last time
I felt like this.
Yes.
What are you doing?
What do you think I'm doing?
No, no, no. Don't do that.
Things were going so well.
Shh. I want you to watch me.
There's no watching.
I'm almost there.
Where? Don't. No. I can't--
Almost there.
Um... Ooh.
Yeah, come on. That's it.
Move.
Yeah, it's coming.
Here it comes. Here it comes.
Hey. So I'm glad we can meet up.
There's this place by me, Vegan Vittles
on Elysian Way. Call me if you get lost.
What the fuck is a vegan vittle?
Just tell her to be here tomorrow.
Hey.
Sorry, one second.
Just have to send this e-mail.
There. Hi.
Hi. What's up?
Ugh. A lot.
Can I get some coffee, please?
We have yerba mat.
Oh. Um... Green tea?
We have decaf green tea.
I'll just get some water.
Okay. Anything for you?
- I'd like the veganchilada, please.
- Sure.
- Cashew-cheese sauce on the side.
- Yeah.
I'd like to take a look
at your seaweed menu.
Yeah. There you go.
No, I'm good, thanks.
Oh. Awesome. Baltic kelp.
Yep.
Ha-ha. I'll have that. Thank you.
Wow.
You look good.
Thanks. You look good too.
Oh. I've been doing a lot of Pilates.
Really?
Yeah. Veronica's a dancer.
She has all this equipment at her house,
so I've just been getting into it.
Well, I know all this
has been really weird.
It's only weird if you think it's weird.
Okay.
There's apparently a holdup
on the divorce papers on your end,
and Veronica's actually
not a citizen, so--
What? Where's she from?
Belgium.
Oh. Belgium. Elegant.
What?
Nothing.
Point is, we need to get married,
and I'm really sorry to bug you, but I
really need you to sign those papers.
Uh-huh. Heh.
Okay, Jesse.
Well, I've been busy with work,
because some of us work for a living
so I'm sorry I haven't had time to focus
on helping you get on with your new life.
I know. I'm sorry.
What makes you think you're suitable
to be a dad, even?
We never talked about kids.
You had reservations about kids.
I had reservations about kids with you.
Yeah, well, ditto.
I think Veronica's
gonna be an amazing mother.
Low blow.
I'll sign the papers.
You're ridiculous.
This place is ridiculous.
Fucking cashew-vegan-kelp bullshit.
Jesse's a fucking vegan?
Yeah, a vegan whose work
is being shown.
At the Gagosian.
At the Gagos--?
What?
Yep.
How does anybody even know
about his art--?
Know what?
I don't wanna know anything.
My God, he's on fire right now.
Breaking up with me
was the best thing he ever did.
I should break up with me.
Oh, stop.
Somebody else's success
does not mean your demise.
Except for Jesse's.
- What are you guys dressed as again?
- Bieber.
Ooh. He just got a buzz cut.
What? Fuck!
Shut up- When?
Like two hours ago. It was on Perez.
Goddamn it.
His hair was everything.
He's really talented.
What's with the costume parties
in the middle of the summer? Hot.
I need to fucking drink.
- Car bombs in the fucking kitchen.
- Yes.
No.
Yes, I'm doing that. Yes.
You wanna wait a little bit?
I say "car," you say "bomb." Car!
Bomb!
Three, two, one, drink!
- Three, two, one. She lost.
- Come on.
- She lost.
- That's pretty good for--
No, don't be nice. Hey.
Ugh.
What even are you supposed to be?
Yeah.
What? Oh, white trash.
What is that?
White trash.
White "shrash"? Shrash?
White trash.
It's white trash.
Celeste.
Yoga.
I haven't seen you there in a while.
I know. I've been running a lot.
It really helps you keep in better shape.
I can see that's important to you.
Mm. How's your practice?
That's funny. White trash?
Mm-hm. What are you?
I'm a cereal killer, obviously.
Hey, you were right.
What do you mean?
You were right about me.
The car, the phone,
the yoga.
Except I went to an Ivy League school.
I went to Cornell.
Congratulations.
Thanks, man.
That's barely an Ivy
I know.
Barely.
Do you smoke?
At parties.
Let's go. Me too.
I'm sorry for that day at the studio.
I just feel really open after yoga.
Shh. Don't say "open." No.
Your costume is so great.
You're gonna ruin it.
I'm kidding.
You know why I go to yoga?
I go to yoga to meet girls.
I believe that.
You do?
Yeah. Heh.
Speaking of, what's the deal
with you and me? I mean, are we...?
Is it happening or what?
Um...
Well, the deal with you and me
is that my husband of six years
wants a divorce
because he wants to marry the woman
who's carrying his child.
That's the deal with you and me.
Sounds tough.
He barely knows her.
He's just lost,
and he's just going about everything
so wrong.
And you're right.
Now what?
What does that mean?
I mean, do you wanna be right,
or do you wanna be happy?
Okay, listen, Yoga, I don't wanna be right.
I know I'm right, okay?
People will let you down.
I have accepted that fact.
But knowing that,
makes it impossible to be happy.
But at least it's fucking real.
No one has ever given
a more self-righteous monologue
- wearing a trash bag.
- Shut up.
Oh, whoa.
Okay, drunkie, let's go home.
Paul.
Justin Bieber.
Justin Bieber. Hi.
Justin Bieber too.
Hi.
Just kidding. Beth.
You want another drink?
Two.
One drink.
One drink.
Hey, you've reached Jesse.
Leave me a message.
Hey, I still have a bunch of your shit.
I'm just gonna drop it off. Okay.
You're gonna be a really good dad.
What made you say that?
Um... I don't know. I just know it.
Well, that's an extravagant purchase for
a freelance artist and his Belgian bride.
Oh. Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
I just realized
I don't know your middle name.
Um... It's, um, Godelieve.
Goldleaf?
No, Godelieve.
It means loved by the gods."
It's Dutch.
Pretty.
Thanks.
What's yours? Ha-ha-ha.
Mordechai.
Okay. What does it mean?
It means I'm very, very Jewish.
Right.
Celeste?
Hey.
Hey. What are you doing here?
Um, l just was dropping off
some of your stuff.
Why were you in the trash can?
I lost something.
In the trash?
Yeah.
It was my bracelet, but I got it back.
So it's-- I'm fine.
Oh, you remember Veronica.
Yes. Hi. Wow, you're so pregnant.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
I love your sweater.
Oh, thank you.
Good compliment.
I'm gonna go,
because I'm late for something, so--
Sure you don't wanna come in for tea?
No, no, you guys have a good afternight.
I'm gonna--
Is that mine?
What? Oh. Yeah,
I don't know how I got-
I'm so glad we did this. Bye, you guys.
Okay.
Step out of the shadows, girl,
and into the light.
Chips are gonna fall, you know?
No need to trip.
What are they like together?
Who?
Oh, Jesse and Veronica?
Yeah.
They're okay, you know?
He's trying, but it's not all rainbows
and unicorns over there, you know?
So they're not happy?
No, I didn't say that.
Listen, he's my friend, you know,
and I love him,
but you're my friend too, you know?
And if you ever need, like,
any kind of special friendship,
you know, like, just someone
to be with you and hold you
and caress you and be good to you
in ways that maybe guys aren't,
I think I could be that guy.
No.
Good. Good, good. Uh...
So where do you live?
I'm in Westwood, in a condo.
- Cool.
- You're gonna love this place.
Never been so relaxed in your life.
- Oh...
- There you go.
This is a very
unique place to take a date.
Yeah, Hake all my dates here.
Oh, I feel so special.
You are.
Right, Nana?
They all are.
How's being right going for you?
Oh, you know, not that well, really.
I was on a real winning streak
That's why I called you.
You know what? I'm happy you did.
Why would you take me to a place
where Asian people beat you up?
But how do you feel?
I feel... l feel really good, actually.
So shut up, then.
What are we doing now?
Don't try to control everything.
You need to let go.
In yoga, we call it vairagya.
Don't with the yoga.
- Yo.
- What's up.
What's going on?
How you doing?
Hey, this is Celeste.
Celeste, what's up? Matt.
Is Louis here? Yeah? Good crowd?
Good crowd? Like your grandma?
Where are we?
What is this?
This is her first time here.
Check it out.
Oh, my God.
Wow. This place is really cool.
You sound surprised.
I am surprised. You live in Westwood.
What do you want to drink?
Uh-- Beer?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
How you doing, man?
Hi, sweetheart. Can I get two beers?
Don't burn yourself. Jesus.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Cheers.
Cheers.
This is quite a spot.
Uh-oh. Oh, no.
You like to dance?
Yeah. Guess you do too.
You're good.
Oh, you're good.
Whoo.
Whoo.
What was that for?
Vairagya, bro.
Don't try to control everything.
I really like the logo.
Oh, good. Yeah, I think it's perfect.
Yeah, the Keith Haring influence
is pretty cool.
Yeah, there is a little bit
of that going on. Wow.
Are you mocking me?
No, l just, uh--
I'm impressed that you know about art.
Why? Because I'm a pop star
or because I was homeschooled?
Whatever.
Do you know what your problem is?
Contempt prior to investigation.
I'm sorry?
You think you're smarter than everybody,
and that is your dark little prison.
Nice shoes.
Dark little prison?
You don't know my life.
You don't know me.
You know what's a dark little prison
is having to wear midriffs fora living.
That's a dark little prison
Give me a break.
That's what I'm talking about.
What the fuck?
I started smoking again.
Yeah, I can see that.
I don't know what the rules are,
and I'm sure I'm breaking them,
but I really miss you.
Do you wanna come in?
Veronica's actually pretty good friends
with the assistant gallerist there,
and he really liked my stuff, so...
I don't know, we'll see.
Jess, that's so great.
I'm so happy for you.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's great.
Whoo.
I should probably get home.
Yeah.
It's really nice to see you.
You should go.
Can't we just lie here a little bit?
Can't believe I'm having a baby
and it's not with you.
Yeah?
Hey, we have
a massive problem on our hands.
I don't, uh-- I don't see anything.
Hmm? It's a penis and a butt.
Really? No, I don't-- I don't see it.
There's a penis, and there's
the penis going into the butt.
Oh... Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it's a cock-
It's a cock-- It's a cock in a butt.
Oh, my Go--.
Oh, my God. That's really bad.
This isn't a joke, Celeste.
There's homosexual butt sex
in the logo.
Does Riley think we're stupid?
I mean, who are these sick people?
Neither Riley nor a representative
from Pop Form,
the marketing company responsible,
could be reached-
There you go.
Let me know if you need anything else.
Thanks.
He!'-
He)'
Thanks for meeting me here.
I don't know what I'm wearing.
You kind of look like a crazy cat lady.
Yeah.
I just can't buy anything nice,
because they'll just ruin it, you know?
Look, Celeste--
No, let me just say something, okay?
I don't know what's going on
in your other situation,
but for the record, I fucked up.
I was cavalier with you,
and I took us for granted.
And I know this sounds crazy,
but I would be remiss if l didn't just--
If you were open to it,
I feel like I could do better,
with you, with us.
And if there is still a chance,
I'd love to know.
Jesse.
I'm sorry.
I can't.
Hey.
Hey. Why'd you come over last night?
I don't know.
No, I think you do know.
It was a mistake. I shouldn't have come.
You fucking coward.
I'm having a baby.
I need to figure out a way
to make it work with Veronica.
I'm trying to change.
Why didn't you change for me?
I don't think you really wanted me to.
Wow. Wow.
All I did was wait for you to grow up.
I rooted for you.
I fucking paid for everything.
I did everything for you.
Yeah, and I was never your equal.
I think you preferred it that way.
Wait. Wail. I know that my success
was never okay for you.
What do you want?
I want you to admit that you're wrong.
Wrong about what?
What did you expect me to do,
wait for you to meet someone first?
Is that how you saw it happening?
Look, I didn't expect to meet someone
so fast, but I did.
I have a real chance of being happy.
I don't wanna blow that.
Well, you know what, Jesse?
You definitely will blow it.
Wow.
You know, I feel sorry for you.
You might actually be alone
your whole life.
Don't ever call me.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
No, no, no.
No, no.
Okay.
Thank you.
- Ugh. He's so sad.
- Totally.
Wait. Hmm?
No. He's painting little rabbits.
He's so happy.
He's so sad. I know. I went to art camp.
Oh, word?
Fuck.
All right.
If that's how it's going down,
that's how ifs going down right now.
Hit it. Go get it.
That's the best thing
that's happened to me in months.
Shit will get better.
Will it? You don't know that.
I can't believe he did this to me.
Who? J?
He didn't do nothing.
You wanted a divorce.
Yeah, but I didn't want it like this.
When we're no longer able
to change a situation,
we're challenged
to change ourselves.
Huh? Hmm.
Viktor Frankl.
Or Biggie Smalls.
It might be Biggie Smalls.
I don't know. I don't remember.
Fuck, man. I am fucking high.
Are you high?
I'm so high. All right, I gotta go.
Can I come?
No.
Can you get me some Del Taco?
No.
Do you think the Obamas
really love each other?
Yeah. Yeah, I really do.
No more questions.
Take it easy on that shit.
It is not for kids.
Ow.
Hey.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
You remember Eileen.
You have more ranch dressing?
It's the fucking bomb.
Did you finish--?
Beth is getting married.
I was married once. You remember?
These guys are in for a fucking dogfight.
Let's go get you a soda.
A dogfight.
You're a dogfight.
I don't wanna be alone forever.
Oh, honey.
You're not gonna be alone forever.
You're just in a time-out
till you sober up.
I'm gonna sit here.
I'm not gonna embarrass you, okay?
Okay-
Okay'
We should get Nick
Nolte out of here, huh?
Hey, Riley. I am calling to talk to you
about the error in your logo.
I'm so, so sorry.
And l just wanna let you know
that I am on top of it.
Please call me back. Thank you.
Do you feel like the dress I'm wearing
reads more like eggshell or rose petal?
Rose petal's okay. Eggshell is too
whitish to do two days in a row.
You look great.
Honey, I need your help.
I have like an hour, and you owe me
because you humped
my nana yesterday.
The fuck does Riley Banks know?
Uh-- Nothing. She's a tart.
Yes, she's a tart.
She's got a cute little hot bod.
Ew.
She's moderately talented.
Not even.
Five years and it's a wrap on that face.
If. Three, four.
Why is she telling me anything
about my life?
She's a stupid litt-
What? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I never hung up.
I didn't hang up the call.
Crap.
You gotta get it.
Hey, Riley, what's up?
Hi. Um...
Listen, I-- This is a really nice place.
The thing is, I've been having
a hard time in my own life.
So when you said that thing
about contempt and investigation--
Can you just shut up for a minute?
I just found out
that my boyfriend cheated on me.
Oh.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
I didn't even know you had a boyfriend.
Yeah, exactly. Nobody knew.
He didn't want anyone to know, because
it would be bad for his image and...
He's just such a fucking asshole.
Now my career might be over because
you decided to put a penis in my logo.
Thank you for that.
I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Come here.
Why?
Come here. Just come here. It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
I'm just so sad. And tired.
And now I'm gonna be alone like you.
Okay, you don't know
what you're saying right now. It's okay.
Are you crying about sports?
Just reminds me of someone.
Is this about a girl?
I'm not gay.
No, I know. I meant a boy.
Yeah.
Do you miss him?
Yeah, I do.
They all fucking suck.
Kind of.
It really never gets better?
Like, not even when you're old?
No.
But you do.
Can we hug again?
Yeah.
I won't, no. Crap.
No, no, no. I'm at the airport.
Beth, I'm sitting at the gate.
Of course I have my dress.
Hi, sir. I'm so sorry to bother you,
but is there any way I could cut in line?
I'm the maid of honor at this wedding.
Hi. I'm sorry to bother you.
Maybe you heard me talking to the last
gentleman, but I need to get my dress.
She pursued her love
Of Spanish men
But missed her Tucker
More than just a friend
Our princess returned home
To her loving prince
And they've been together
Ever since
We love you, Bethy.
Now we're gonna turn it over
to Celeste,
Beth's best friend in the world.
Wow. Oh. That-- Thanks, girls.
That was...
There are no words for what that was.
Um... Ahem.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
You fuck her.
Thank you, Reverend.
Appreciate it a lot.
It is not easy to get to Rhode Island
from Los Angeles.
There was a cab to a plane
to a cab to a train to a rental car.
There was maybe a rickshaw
in there somewhere.
Maybe a donkey. Heh-heh.
But the truth is,
I would go anywhere for Beth
because she's my best friend
and I love her so much,
and I'm so happy for her.
When we were in college,
senior year we had this tradition.
Beth and Tucker
and me and Jesse would meet,
come rain or shine,
every Sunday at the Bishop.
And there was always something there
with these two,
even though they were just friends.
Just, like, an ease that they had
with each other.
They are perfect.
At last, love wins.
Beth and Tucker,
you guys are lucky,
so lucky to be best friends.
Work hard at that.
And respect that.
Um... Be patient.
And, uh...
you don't always have to be right.
Even if you are,
doesn't fucking matter anyway.
Fight for it every day.
I wish I had.
Cheers.
This might not be the best time
to talk about it,
but at some point we're gonna
have to address Tucker's dance moves.
Wow. Heh.
He's so special.
So your speech was, uh...
beautiful?
Thank you.
I meant it.
I know.
You know what else is beautiful?
Oh, no.
Oh, yes.
Do we dare?
We do.
Here, in front of everyone?
Of course.
All right, maybe just once.
Oh, my God.
Talk to me. Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.
Pointy tip, thick stem.
You're a bad boy.
You're a grower.
You have graduated
and moved on to an adult life.
Oh, God. Oh, no.
Oh, God. Oh, no.
I'm a baby corn. I'm not a big corn.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God. Oh.
Oh, dude, it's so rotten.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you guys doing?
Oh, nothing. Just...
It's this thing that Jesse and I do.
We take this thing that resembles,
like, a tiny little penis,
Ah...
- I don't really get it.
- It's stupid.
It's stupid.
They're about to serve dinner.
Okay.
Wanna sit down?
Yeah, yeah.
See you on the dance floor, Celeste?
Yeah.
Do it, do it, do it.
- I love you, baby.
- I love you, baby.
It sounds like the most
embarrassing speech ever.
How are you gonna
show your face again?
Yeah, well, weirdly, I'm happy that I did it.
I feel better somehow.
This song is my bitch! Yeah!
Wow. The gays
really know how to party, huh?
What do you mean?
This is a gay club.
It's opening night.
It doesn't know what it is yet.
Riley, the club is called Swallow.
I totally dated that guy.
Excuse me. Could you tell your friend
Riley that we worship her?
She's so pretty.
Sure. I'll tell her
when she's done dancing.
You are aware that the logo is a...?
A dick in a butt? Yeah.
All of our friends are, like, rocking it.
It's kind of become like gay Izod.
It's amazing.
- Yo.
- The tweens
don't want her anymore
Scott, but the gays do.
You're gay. Start thinking gay.
Ten percent of Americans are gay.
Gay Izod. It's great.
She could be Lady Gaga
by this time next year. Huge market.
Wow. You might have turned
the cock in the butt around.
Cock in the butt is gonna be huge.
Hi.
Thirty-eight points for me,
plus 50 points for using all my tiles.
- Wait, wait, wait. "Zooecia"?
- Yeah.
No, that's not a word.
That's my hoochie cousin's name.
So I was at this club the other night,
and there was a tranny dressed like me.
Oh, my God, that's so sweet.
I know.
That's a huge compliment.
He was so hot too.
Wow. That is so sweet. Ha-ha-ha.
I mean, it was still me.
Celeste.
Rupert.
You never called me back.
You know, I think I lost my...
Do you know Riley? This is Rupert.
Hi. I'm actually a big fan.
Likewise.
Ahem.
Get in there. Get in there.
Very gentle.
Help me out here.
All right, both of us.
I can't do it.
This. I'm sorry.
What do you mean?
Are you serious? Why?
I, uh... Ahem.
I think I need to be alone.
I'm getting a divorce.
I know you're getting divorced.
I know,
but I think I have to do that alone.
Yeah.
I respect that.
You're not ready till you're ready.
Don't force it.
That's some yoga shit.
But I like you.
So when you're ready,
if you're ready, you call me.
Okay?
And sign here and here.
There? Yeah.
Mm-hm.
And initial here, sign here.
And...
Here, sign, and here.
I like that tie.
Oh, thanks.
Is it made out of organic mung beans?
No, actually,
I found it digging through your trash.
Well, we're divorced.
Yep.
We did it.
We nailed that divorce.
What are you doing right now?
Cantonese voices. No respect
for when their mouths are actually open.
Oh, my God.
I don't think I could focus on it.
You couldn't.
It's not sexy, but ifs damn funny.
It's beautiful.
I thought you hated it.
Never seen it at night.
Hey.
I know we just got divorced,
but nobody died, right?
I don't know. It's just...
I was just thinking about how...
you were right.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Do you love her?
Then it's worth fighting for.
Okay.
Now I know why you fucking cry
all the lime.
This shit's emotional.
I've been trying to tell you.
You deserve to be happy.
And I want that for you. Always.
Me too.
I love you.
I love you loo.
It's late. I'm gonna walk you to your car.
You probably should.
I should. I don't want you to get mugged
by someone from the philharmonic.
Good idea.
Hey, you've reached Paul.
Leave a message.
Hey.
You're probably giving your card
to some girl in yoga right now
but if that doesn't work out for you,
I think I'm ready...
to beat you in Scrabble.
Okay.
Hi.
Excuse me, sir?
Yeah?
Never mind.
I'm so sorry for cutting.
My dog's in the car and he's
really thirsty, so thanks.
No problem.
Hi.