Chantal in Fairyland (2024) Movie Script
1
SINCE 1696 SLEEPING BEAUTY HAS BEEN WOKEN
FROM HER SLUMBER BY A PRINCE'S KISS.
FAIRY TALE PROPERTIES
And... live!
Hello, followers,
girls, boys and everything inbetween!
Huh, not live?
Where are the little hearts?
- You ask, "How do you look so fresh?"
- ZEYNEP: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Oh, thanks! So sweet of you.
That's why
I'm testing beauty hacks today!
With...
super glue!
I'll add a link for the product. Cool!
Right above...
And then test it.
Really good.
I recommend
you put some on the bottom too.
Oh, cool!
Now push it down a bit again.
Wow! The perfect selfie face.
Mom!
Welcome to Social Spirit.
Out with it, girl!
A fashion company
wants to collab with you.
- Do you have a unique look?
- Yeah, totally.
- Are you diverse?
- My name's French.
Do you have over three million followers?
You could be the right influencer.
To collab with our brand,
send us your application...
Mom, welfare office today, huh?
Celine at school?
And for allyou newcomers,
we have a super sweet contest
for micro-influencers:
Salty Crunch Gum.
Salty chewing gum with crispy flakes.
Create a cool idea
that shows yourpersonality.
- Like on Germany's Next Top Model!
- Film it and add a link to our agency.
With a bit ofluck, you could be the new
face ofour social media campaign.
Please! I don't have any money. I'm broke!
Oh my God!
Crunch Gum! The salty chewing gum.
It'll give your life the ultimate kick!
Not another influencer contest!
Chill!
If the prank looks fake,
I won't get any likes.
- No one's going to like that crap.
- Shut up.
No! I wasn't visible.
We have to do it again.
- No way, you dumb thing.
- Oh, gender neutral!
Check the mail
for any replies to my applications.
"Acceptance for paralegal train..."
Nothing.
You haven't gotten any replies?
Man, Zeynep!
You and me together or fuck work!
We'll be big, bitch.
You got a pentagram tattoo
and now you want to be a legal para-slave?
It's a peace symbol.
I told you your cousin was
too dumb to do tattoos.
Man, he painted cars!
She says "creative and romantic."
That means a nice dress and a date.
How dumb can you be, Chantal?
- And you're not a whatsit anyway.
- I'm a micro-influencer.
You have 300 followers.
You're a "micro-penis influencer."
Oh! It's pancakes at the Arche today.
Oh, and an antique flea market
for children in need.
Chanti, we're too old for this.
Man, we need a real...
job.
- Huh? Did you say something?
ARCHE FOR KIDS
But that's it.
There's a dumb girl in 7th grade.
Her mother works till seven.
Sure, Zeki.
This is a social center,
not a high school daycare.
- The moving company's donations.
- To the charity flea market.
- In the back with the other stuff.
- All right.
It's good when they see we're friends
because you're mixed!
- Chantal, what's she doing here?
- What do you mean?
She's here with her friend every day.
- Why so pushy?
- Can I go there?
That's my side!
- I thought she was interning.
- We call her Petra Pan now.
No, I don't like that.
The lips look bigger this way.
The only way to get her out of here
is to shut off the Wi-Fi.
- Over my dead body, Paris.
- Your sister.
Hey, Celine. School already over or what?
Really?
I thought you were done coming here.
So embarrassing!
- This is a youth center.
- Your older sister again.
Shut up, Karina. We're not old.
We were here when you were a poster child
for ugly kids in a sperm bank.
You see her story with the glue?
Major fail, man.
Another litterbug sorting incorrectly
and poisoning our planet.
Chill. Did you share my profile?
Sorry.
Your account has zero relevance.
How does that nerd get 70k
with stories about sorting trash?
Chantal!
What? Him? He's still alive?
I thought all our teachers were dead.
- You really don't have a job?
- Yes, influencer.
I'm about to go viral.
Well, I blow chunks
when I see your brainless posts.
- He follows me!
- Stop dreaming about getting famous!
If as!
Every history book is loaded with VIPs.
Like Hitler,
these twins, Mona and Lisa.
What's his face... Galeu Galei,
who discovered falling stars.
Homo and Playdo.
Homer and Plato.
Do you think we remember them
for their selfies
or damn lip-sync clips?
Just because they didn't have internet.
The people we respect
tried to change the world,
with actions and not showing off.
Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Evening News.
Oh my God!
A princess dress!
- Your Highness.
- We could do a fairy-tale booth.
Fairy tales? Barf.
Princesses are so uncool.
Who wants to be fucked awake?
But princesses
aren't bad at all for your contest.
- It's supposed to be romantic.
- Oh yeah?
What a strange-looking mirror.
Such weird symbols,
and what language is that?
It's German!
"No wish is clever."
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
who's the dumbest sister of them all?
Fuck off, Celine.
Chanti?
Did you see that?
Yeah. A trick.
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
who's the hottest influencer of them all?
Ugh. Huh?
Oh my God.
Who was that?
You, Chantal Ackermann,
are the hottest.
How does he know my name?
Connecting to my phone without asking!
But these influencers
are far more successful.
Dagi Bee, Caro Daur,
Peggy Gou, Sandra Lambeck, Stefanie...
- Got it. Now shut up.
- Why is it talking?
- It's really creepy.
- A frustrated intern is messing with us.
Make your wish.
Let's go. They'll sell our data
and I'll get loads of dick pics again.
No, dude!
Let's film something in front of it.
Oh, yeah.
I'm the princess, you're the witch.
I have to kiss my prince charming,
then chew Crunch Gum.
Um, def not. Then I'll have to edit it
and add some Britney Spears to it.
- I'm not doing it.
- Your wish is my command.
- Dude!
- Hey, this is really creepy.
Where can I turn it off?
Don't let me go! Don't let...
- Yes, do! Film it!
- What?
Film it!
Chanti? Is this a prank?
How did you do that?
No! No! Ah!
Where... Where am I?
Hello?
Oh my God. Is this the Stone Age?
Hey!
Hey as well, my dearest.
What the fuck!
Fuck you too. Is that a greeting
in your world? Do you fuck each other?
Where am I? Who are you?
I'm Sparky.
Welcome to the magical world.
And I thought my name sucked.
Is this augmented reality? Oh God.
I'm a fairy,
and steward of the magic portal
from the time without a name.
But the king had every portal destroyed
for he feared the chosen one might come
and topple him.
- You bitch, don't screw with me!
- Oh, am I a bitch?
I wish you could teach me more
fine language from your electric world
but time is precious, my dear bitch.
Is this a show on the channel Sat.1?
But it doesn't look cheap.
You awoke
the last of the forgotten mirrors.
Your wish has been granted.
You are a princess.
No!
Zeynep, why are you in crap?
What did you do? Where are we?
Shit! That was a real magic mirror.
Did you know there's a fairy tale world?
How would I know that? Am I a physicist?
We want to go home now.
Yes, tomorrow morning
when the cock crows
the portal will open
and you'll have five days to return.
If that time frame passes,
you get to stay in the magic world forever
and live your dream to its happy end.
Ha-ha-ha! Fuck you.
Oh, fuck you both dearly too.
If you need me summon me with
"Sparkity, spark out of the dark."
What?
- What a nightmare!
- Yo, chill, ugliness.
Let's play damn fairy tale for a day
and tomorrow
when the cock... the cock...
Oh my God!
Now this looks so good on me!
I can wear anything.
Zeynep!
This is my chance to be a lit influencer
and to win the contest!
Look how dope this is!
If I lie down here like this. Look.
It'd be super awesome
if I had a prince for the content.
- You stink.
- What content?
You said this trash was romantic.
Is your head empty?
You're thinking of that?
I'm sure it'll sell good
if a princess sells the gum.
Aw!
Just look at me!
And who am I?
Maybe a witch!
- No! No!
- No! I don't want to be that.
You must be Cinderella.
You'll get prettied up. Yay!
And what fairy tale am I?
But did Cinderella have a rune necklace?
You really have to chill
or you'll become a neurosician.
Aw! Maybe I'm that Ariella girl,
but before she became a fish.
Go.
Try me.
- Your Highness.
- Princess Amalia has just arrived.
Okay. Who is she? What's she want?
I presume she's here
for your birthday celebration.
They want to bid you fare...
They want
to celebrate you, dearest.
Most beautiful, most delicate,
most exciting, bustiest...
- Snappiest.
- Lewdest.
- Most vile.
- Most terrible.
Most embarrassing.
Hey, birthday party, Zeynep!
Let's explore a bit.
Please. We don't have anything to do
till the cock squeals.
You get a dress too, bro.
How sick is this?
It looks so real.
- Oh my God!
- Is that...
Yo, bro, what's up?
Big-time fan!
- At your service, Your Highness.
- Ow.
- Salam aleykum!
- Aleykum salam, Your Highness.
My God, why do you speak German so good?
Actually, it's good.
My Arabic is a bit, well, rusty.
Shakrun, bissi, hadik.
So cringe.
You must be mistaken.
I'm just a lowly slave.
We know who you are. You're Aladdin.
- You know my name.
- Yeah, now stand up.
You creeping around here is so strange.
I can't stand before you.
Then get back down.
No, stand up!
Sorry I looked you in the eye.
Don't behead me.
Don't screw with me.
Oh, is this your...
Oh, you know.
I don't. I'm uneducated and dumb.
Dumb? Me too.
Graduated with a 1.0 GPA. High five!
Magic lantern!
Your magic lantern!
If your father, the king, poops magic.
Pardon my jest.
I'm a filthy guttersnipe.
No! What are you saying?
You're my favorite fairy tale.
Can we take a selfie?
I won't be here for long, you know?
Princess, what is that devilish thing?
Huh?
He doesn't look that shitty.
But he liked me, didn't he?
Your foreigner fetish
is out of control, ugliness.
By the way, it was a shit pot.
Man!
My God!
Who picked these awful pics?
- They're paintings.
- Post those, lose all followers.
Dude, why am I frowning
like Angela Merkel?
Dude, they're so ugly!
They need a trigger warning.
Princess Rosalia Esmeralda of Catania!
Rosa, my dearest!
- Look, Barbie.
- God, she knows you.
Hey!
Delightful! How refreshingly direct.
- And who do I have the honor...
- Bitch!
You look like money.
Nicely said. I love poetry.
Who's the poet?
Forget it. I won't know him anyway.
What do I know, I'm so clueless.
She's a friend from Berlinia.
A pleasure.
Amalia Marianne of Kannstein.
My father was
the Wildman of Kannstein.
He stabbed Torsten of Totenberg to death
in the battle of Rummelsberg
and has been the king's hero since.
- And your line?
- The U3 or the 156.
Impressive.
You must be so proud of your family.
Oh, how I'd love to have you two
at tomorrow's ball.
Princess!
For you I want to be
the first knight of the round table.
My fianc, Knight Artolf,
the foolish soul.
Move.
Look here!
As if from butter
I shall pull out the sword of power.
A ball? You mean a party?
Wicked stuff. We'll be there.
Mm-hmm.
Oh well.
Others have to marry their brothers.
Others have to marry their brothers.
Table, deck thyself with roast.
Table, deck thyself with something
from McD's.
Look, with lots of glitter and stuff.
A real Magic McFlurry.
I herald the arrival
of Their Royal Highnesses,
your mother the Queen and your father,
the venerable King Wilderich II.
- Is he one of the seven dwarfs?
- I think he's the king.
How did he father me?
He doesn't even have ball hair.
Give me your disinfucktant.
What a beautifully embroidered hanky.
Oh, the fabric! How delicate.
And that smell. Is it lavender?
Clove?
That's my tanga.
Worn.
And what is
this peculiar Bible you read?
The women are wearing pants!
And is this a box?
- Pepper spray.
- I love Oriental spices. So precious.
- How does it open?
- Don't! It'll blind you!
It's a weapon to fight off men.
Women's lib and all.
Women's lib.
You really are a rapscallion.
Defeating a man?
What a grotesque fantasy.
It's not fantasy, it's normal...
Cut the crap!
This is the fairy tale world.
Look at these chicks.
If you start with sex advice and equality,
we'll be dead.
This isn't Instagram.
It's Twitter.
Dearest?
Do you think this is a new wrinkle?
No, my king. You are flawless.
I said that yesterday
and every day before that.
Artolf!
A goblet from the Fountain of Youth.
- Of course, my king.
- Wilderich!
Not another sip from the fountain
of youth. People are talking.
Silence!
Or I'll have a beak painted on you.
So what's the deal with princes, Daddy?
I feel like I'd like to have one...
- To marry?
- No, a selfie or video clip will do me.
I was thinking about going to the ball.
Someone magnificent will come.
100 years will pass
as if in the blink of an eye.
What do you mean 100 years?
Your curse?
Rosa, we have tried everything.
Every magus, every medic.
Our blood has always been susceptible
to curses.
We are...
powerless.
- Not so tightly, knave!
- You overate, My Royal Plumpness.
Is that how you treat an heir the throne?
I should've let you rot
at Rumpelstiltskin's court.
But you wanted me.
Lift the prince onto the horse.
Bosco, once issued from my womb
and forever at my bosom
till I couldn't recognize it.
- Are you finally riding, my prince?
- Stop barking at me, Mother.
I'm not a herd of sheep.
My soul strains.
Is it a good day
for a romantic heroic deed?
The sleeping princess
will be awoken by your kiss.
Climbing a wall. My young,
strong prince will surely manage that?
Yes, Mother.
Born the strongest and most handsome.
Didn't you want
to awaken the lady
in the diaphanous coffin
a few months ago?
- What stopped you then?
- It was raining.
Heavily!
Oh, how I envy your father his fate.
May a dragon kill me
to free me from this wedding chaos.
Propose to Princess Rosa
and make her virgin heart skip a beat
before she wakes up properly
and can think straight.
Make her heart skip a beat?
Words aren't your greatest weapon.
The swan fat.
And if your heart doesn't skip a beat?
- Wouldn't you rather marry...
- What God joins together...
soon becomes one.
Nose.
Nose.
Giddyup, Gilgamesh!
Whoever awakens you shall happen upon
the most beautiful bride.
What if I don't like him?
What if he's stupid? Or ugly?
Or a non-smoker?
I want you to wear my veil.
Like my mother and hers before us.
Flying caterpillar thread.
It hasn't been produced in 200 years.
The fields in my homeland
were burned in the Silver Wars.
When sunlight shines on it,
it gives your soul wings.
There is no way to escape fate.
Okay, good night.
Oh, my child. So brave.
What was that?
Is it before or after
Cinderella and the shoe?
- Girl, you're Sleeping Beauty!
- No!
Does she have to kiss Rumpelstiltskin?
A witch comes and you die for 100 years!
No! I want another fairy tale.
One with drugs and sex.
Or strippers.
Please, please, please!
Please, let us go back before sunrise.
Or she'll die.
Chill, Zeynibeth,
I won't let a witch screw me over.
This is just a fantasy world.
- Avatar is fantasy and you can die there.
- Man, stop whining.
We're from Neuperlach!
On May 1st you knocked a cop out cold.
A flower pot slipped off my balcony.
Girl, I'm the boss, okay? I'm on
the nobili-team. As elite as it gets.
From Pimkie to Gucci, girl. Boom, boom!
What does a bitch do in Neuperlach
when two nasty dudes grab her?
- Die?
- No, man.
Fight.
- Against a witch?
- Yeah.
No, no! Lexus, no!
No, not here!
It absolutely had to be a dog.
"Please, please, a dog, Aunt Samsara!
We'll look after it."
My child.
I have lovely yarn for you to spin.
It's me.
I've always wondered
what this spindle actually does?
I never really got it.
Can you show me?
Certainly, princess.
Watch my fingers
as the precious yarn runs through them.
Do you want to try?
But you have to be careful
that you don't prick yourself, right?
Oh my God! I love your necklace.
Ever considered a collab
with a drugstore?
No.
Hmm, Yeah. You'd have to do
a little something to your hair.
Because they want you
to look well-groomed.
Have you ever considered
putting this nest up?
Honestly, no.
I always wonder why the little dimwits
don't defend themselves in fairy tales.
- Dimwits?
- The princesses.
The princesses? Ah!
I saw Stephen King's It
at breakfast when I was four.
No screwing up my fairy tale!
You dare to rebel?
Help! Help!
- I said help. The cue!
- Maybe I can't hear in there!
Ah, silver!
Get rid of the curse or we'll skewer you.
Amina koyim!
Who's the witch, bitch?
Dos covo, spuriferi noticomal.
Da bilihorea aruteac
vemo vemo demenila.
- Matedicanya D'elebo.
- Matedicanya D'elebo.
You'll regret this, princess.
Oh God!
Shit! The curse!
In the vase!
Oh my God!
Slay!
We fucked Disney!
I'm so going to take
this messed up world by storm!
When I'm done
The Witcher will be on kids' TV!
Dude, crazy that they don't even have
EDGE here.
Let's find a prince
and make some content!
It'd be funny if we did something
with Rumpelstiltskin.
Or I'll do a loop with that Elsa chick.
You know?
I light a cigarette
and then she does this with her finger.
You know? "No smoking."
Or with Michael Myers!
Chanti, the mirror's working!
We can go home!
I haven't filmed anything yet.
What?
Oh my God! A prince, right?
No! No, we're going home!
- Damn roses!
- Oh God!
He looks like Danger!
I did say my prince charming!
We're going home now!
- Hold on a second!
- You're so sick!
Insta time! Now!
It's the ideal prince charming moment.
Please! One tiny story with
a real prince, and I'll win the contest.
Just two seconds. Please!
You're gorgeous.
- Two seconds!
- Yeah! You're the best.
Hide.
Oh no!
I look like a last place top model
doing Game of Thrones-themed porn.
I need a deeper neckline.
Oh!
- What's up, boy?
- Why are you awake?
Whoa! I'll get lots of likes with you.
You speak a strange language, princess.
Is it the slumber?
- Is it the witch's curse?
- Hey!
As long as I'm the princess no groping!
The beauty was to sleep for 100 years.
No one other
than Bearstrangler Bechthold
enters the scene.
Not you!
Ready to free the princess...
Your spirit is like a fire
that can only be put out with a kiss.
Introduce yourself first
if you don't send DMs.
Prince Bosco of Sprengel,
of the bluest and bravest line
this side of the big sea.
I've vanquished devious enemies
and terrible monsters.
The world whispers my name in awe!
And now I am here to... love you.
I wanted to see you naked
all through high school.
I must insist,
the physical bond isn't a lark
but an act of fertilization
following matrimony.
- Have you ever been with a woman?
- I won't tolerate intimate questions.
I've conquered women on all continents.
But none of them were as beautiful
and peerless as you, princess.
Before you stands Prince Bosco,
the warrior, the man of men.
Does she worry he won't bed her?
I am getting some strange vibes,
but okay.
- Let artists capture it so. Full of...
- Wait, that's my bad side.
In a frenzy of emotion
ecstasy overcomes us...
Hold on, hold on.
Mm, Crunch Gum!
It gives true princesses a real kick!
Huh?
From sleep I awoke you
and in thought I bedded you.
Rosalia of Catania, will you marry me?
That our kingdoms become one.
Do you wish to be my companion
in war, plague and famine?
And in the few good years to come.
Yeah, sure. Who doesn't dream of that?
Verily?
- Crunch Gum!
- Well, then...
Give your life that fairy-tale kick!
- The ring my great-grandpa gave...
- I'm filming!
I'm filming!
Hit the link with the code Chanti3000...
- ...my great-grandma.
- ... to get radi... a rebate.
So this is how it shall be.
Oh man! That didn't seem real.
We have to do it again.
Not the vase!
An exotic insect in your castle!
No fear! I've fought against dragons.
And man-eating cyclopes!
It is as if the heat in me is...
and heaviness in my heart.
Mother.
- Is it you?
- No.
Strong flier.
Zeynep!
He swallowed the Sleeping Beauty curse.
I think I messed up the fairy tale.
Shit!
Yeah, wake him with a kiss or something!
Oh my God, he reeks of booze!
Because he was afraid of you.
Shut it! He thought I was hot.
He was semi-hard.
No idea. Didn't work.
I'm probably not right. You try.
Yeah, exactly.
You're such a slut!
This is so Harvey Weinstein.
- Mm, Crunch Gum!
- Oh my God! My prince charming moment!
I'll get the job with that for sure.
We can go home.
Chanti, come here please.
Uh... Hello, Mr. Mirror?
What did you do?
Hold it!
Hold it!
How?
No, no, no, no!
Oh God!
- No!
- Fuck!
- No, no!
- Oh God, oh God, oh God.
Oh no!
Do you think they have super glue here?
I can't think of any fairy tales
with it in them.
You're so dumb.
Man, girl, it's a fucking magic mirror!
How are we going to get home now?
What's her name.
Call the fairy! She can repair it.
Sparkity, spark out of the dark!
Not good. Not good at all.
Unpalatable. Medusan!
I'm holding back
from turning you into mice.
My insurance will pay for the repairs.
Even if I knew the spell,
a portal can only be repaired
by an initiated witch.
Oh, fuck! We'll have to ask
that psycho witch if she'll help us.
Women sticking together
is totally trending.
- Where does the bitch live?
- The Enchanted Forest could kill you.
Where is the Enchanted Forest?
I'm giving her a really bad Google rating.
First we have to get rid of him
or we'll be in big trouble.
Everyone will think it was me.
Yeah, because it was you.
- Into the fireplace.
- Seriously?
Mm-hmm.
So you killed the wolf,
you chit of a girl?
That hairy devil
had been wreaking havoc for months.
I was rabbit hunting.
The scumbag got in my way.
He jumped on me. I gave him all my love.
Enchanting.
- Right between the eyes.
- Can you...
I was told there was a four-thaler reward
for shooting him.
- Little Red Riding Hood?
- What stories there are in my realm.
What will you conjure up today, scribe?
Yes!
Get over here!
Stop it!
It was a dark night
when the grim gray wolf
heard the footfalls of... of his executor.
- The Red Huntress.
- Stop!
Are you planning
to encourage nubile girls
to battle their way
through forests with swords?
Don't we have
brave knights and princes for that?
Your stories are meant
to keep order in my realm!
Happy hunting beats unhappy marriage.
Silence!
And it so happened
that a young, innocent girl...
"Oh my God!"
...was dancing through the forest...
No!
No? Walking...
Yes. She was walking on the way...
to her grandmother's
to...
to bring her bread and wine.
- Cake.
- Huh?
Re... Really? Cake?
Does cake go with wine?
Yes. Yum!
- Excellent!
- Idiot.
Cake... That's good.
The quill looks like
it's being forced to do something.
- What's with the quill?
- It's making a fuss again.
Go on!
Forgive me, but without
the big blue diamond in your crown
you don't have full power over it.
Well, try harder! And write faster!
Or I'll have you beheaded!
- But Red Riding Hood...
- That rug rat decides what kids read?
No wonder fairy tales are so shitty.
... upon sensing her young body,
mucous dripped
from his hairy...
ass?
Without humor. Let's keep it traditional.
As always!
"Good day, Red Riding Hood!"
And if the prince wakes up
in the fireplace?
What do I care? If he complains
in 100 years, I won't be here.
- Chanti, let's take the horses.
- Yeah, untie them.
I don't have Wi-Fi at the moment,
but when I get home
I'm so going to tell you the truth.
Things here are a bit different
than it says in the books.
But I can tell you this:
I'm the dopest Sleeping Beauty ever!
Chanti! We have to go.
I'm going to give
this fairy tale such a sick upgrade
that they'll think,
"Man, she got swag or what?"
Aladdin!
You hiding?
Princess, I implore you.
Give me my soul
that you've captured back.
No. I want to post it.
- Ask him the way.
- Yeah, with his carpet.
- How do you know about that?
- My God!
As a kid I always used to imagine
you picking me up on it.
Follow me.
Look, ducks.
- Nice room.
- Thanks.
This is my carpet.
- It's nearly finished.
- Cool.
- Can it fly?
- A flying carpet?
Once I find one, I'll give it to you.
These are my parents.
They came from Baghdad in a slave boat.
I was still a child and...
they both died of illnesses.
I never want to forget their faces.
- Oh my God!
- Are you dumb?
Huh?
And... this is me.
Well done.
I've never been back to my homeland.
I just have to get enough gold...
Steal it? You hawk it, right?
I'm working to earn it
to pay for passage.
Huh? Then the film was wrong.
I thought you were a thief.
And what's this here?
- That's my cow.
- You have a cow? What's its name?
- Aisha.
- Aisha!
Aisha...
Okay. Do you know an enchanted forest
where the witches live?
Uh-uh.
Can you lie any worse?
Take us there.
How many lucky charms can you have?
The Enchanted Forest is full of evil.
Do you have a girlfriend or a fuck buddy?
I don't understand you.
- Stop hitting on fairy tale characters!
- God! I'm just chatting. Bitch much?
- Do you have a girlfriend, a fiance?
- Allah hasn't given anyone my heart.
Oh God, I can't ride.
And he never will if this crazy princess
leads me to my death.
Not so fast!
We've reached it.
The gate to the accursed world.
He wouldn't last a second
on the streets of Berlin.
Bismillah al-Rahman al-Rahim.
Oh my God.
Are you checking your makeup?
Yeah! What if we die?
This may be the last video I make.
If it gets on TMZ on TV
I want to look hot.
Comparing Crunch Gum and gingerbread.
Yuck! What is this?
Way overbaked.
It's wood.
Uh!
Where is the damn gingerbread?
This fairy tale world is total crap.
My battery's dead.
Oh, I could puke!
Screw your battery.
We have to get home.
No one here.
Hansel, for the thousandth time,
no playing in the oven!
Oh my...
Hi. Um...
We need help repairing something.
I can offer you...
Tampons?
CS gas, or... Oops.
A... tanga.
Your color?
Gretel? Get your brother out of the oven.
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, okay?
"Yeah, okay" me
and I'll give you rabbit ears.
How dare you?
After all you've done to me?
Get ready... to die.
Um... I haven't read every fairy tale,
but you guys
are always kind of the assholes.
Maybe this is a good time
to work on that
and to say,
"Hey! Maybe I'll help this princess."
To start over again.
Delete all your posts, refresh account.
And then a single post,
me and you holding hands:
"When you realize
your enemy can be your best friend."
Ah! What did I do?
Your father had our circle burned.
The flames killed almost all of us.
I was able to escape the fire.
Now we'll take what's dearest to him.
Girl, he's not my biological father.
Okay.
Alvina? Alvina?
They say we sisters eat children.
Yet we were midwives for centuries,
and were loved till this king's reign.
Hey, do you know about magic mirrors?
About traveling through portals? Yes.
Let me look in the big book of magic.
Alvina?
Maybe some warm birch water too?
Enough!
She's doomed to die.
Don't get friendly
with all things I want to kill.
He sings odious songs about us.
Makes fables out of all kinds of nonsense.
Yeah, I don't want to get you going,
but he also writes
that those two burn you in the oven.
No! We'd never do that!
We wouldn't, really.
Children,
watch as I use a single shot
to annihilate her.
Where'd you get this?
Are you from the electric world?
Yeah. I think so.
You're the prophecy.
You bring the realm and my sisters
a new beginning.
Yes, and be glad
that I'm not vindictive.
Sana kanguta, malanto.
- Nah devenya.
- Nah devenya.
Zeynep, this is the Lion King fairy tale
or something.
Um, one quick question
to be sure you're not lying.
What does this prophecy say?
Once in our world, you enter
our erstwhile ruler Bergfried's castle
and find the powerful diamond,
the blue jewel.
It belongs in the king's crown,
which he dons illegitimately.
The diamond grants the power to free...
the quill.
Have I ever had trouble
finishing sentences?
The new age of tales
will bring peace and freedom,
to all of us.
Unless you fail.
And what's that?
We don't know what it is,
but it seems it must be destroyed.
Oh my God, that's my cell phone!
No!
Question!
Why hasn't anyone gotten the diamond
from the castle yet?
Because it's guarded
by a bloodthirsty dragon.
My sister writes
Harry Potter fanfiction too, but...
It has killed countless knights
who believed they were the chosen ones.
The one on the pyre
has my pentagram tattoo!
Thanks, you can close the bat again.
Oh my God. She def has Covid now.
This compass will lead you to the castle.
I'll pray that you survive,
for a better world.
Our blood.
Our part of the prophecy.
Riomi...
bremnu cavasanas sanoyem.
Midjen nasjure.
Raluka jamich.
What did she say?
Yeah, bloodthirsty dragon and all,
I don't know what to say.
This is a major honor.
I've been preparing for this day
since I was born.
But I'd just like to experience
my little sister here
become a full-fledged witch.
Initiation? No need.
I need her initiated.
It's just safer.
That's not in the prophecy,
but I decide anyway.
Prepare for initiation in a small circle.
I have an abortion later.
Do you have a charging cable
or a power bank?
You haz power?
Go.
Our blood will find you once it ripens.
Ripens?
Chanti, I'm scared!
Zeynep, screw the prefacy.
You're our last chance to get out of here.
Get initiated!
- It's going to be so enchanting.
- Yeah.
It's like confirmation. A few candles.
You get a gift like headphones.
- But it isn't simple.
- Oh yes it is.
And when you're a witch,
you can fix the mirror
and we'll get the hell out of here.
- Shake until daybreak.
- And what are you going to do?
I wanted to do a "what I eat in a day"
with the wishing table.
What?
I'll find the magic spell
to repair the mirror.
- You'd better not screw it up!
- No.
Sister?
- I have to unclothe you now.
- Clothe, yeah.
What exactly do you mean by "unclothe"?
Unclothe and anoint.
How long will that take?
Mother Earth decides that.
Usually two moons.
So nata si huva...
Was the other lady killed?
Chill. Habibi Blocksberg is coming later.
Come on!
Man, I've got to go.
Oh my God!
A tiny fairy was just watching me wee,
and I couldn't film it.
Damn cell phone battery.
It makes me sick!
What makes your strange phony
so valuable?
- Does it contain gold?
- It will free me.
And make my dream of being
rich and successful come true.
Even richer?
You have everything a person could want.
A castle, princes at your feet.
Yes, I'll explain
social media some other time.
I'd so follow you
if you had a blue check mark.
But where? To my homeland?
You're interested in the Orient?
Yeah, boy. All of
my ex-boyfriends are from the Orient.
Except Danger.
He's basically the only white bread.
- I like white bread.
- Yeah?
I like white bread with sausage.
Clear off, Kurgunde.
No, Wilderich.
I refuse to reason about this.
My son came to your castle
and now he's vanished.
Well, he didn't wake my daughter
or do you see her?
I'm going to search for him.
Or I swear to you, war is nigh!
War? Don't exaggerate, people.
What kind of a war?
With a woman leading the soldiers!
Soldiers led by a little child
don't scare me much either!
Drink less Fountain of Youth water,
Wilderich.
Get out of my kingdom!
I'll destroy your pathetic castle!
Please, no war!
I don't want to be to blame.
Your wife lives in a painting.
And we both know why, you tyrant!
Yes!
Shit!
Keep calm.
Waking up a corpse
must be in here somewhere.
Making a corpse disappear.
Cooking a corpse down?
Only a hint of breath escapes his lips,
which smile teasingly as if he dreams.
Oh, if only my sigh would awaken you
and your blue eyes would gaze upon me.
The blackbird sings our song
as it did when you once held me.
Forbidden yet so fervently
our lips did meet.
Oh my God!
Cute.
- Who is it?
- Lorenz! Someone saw us!
Oh my God, boys!
Whoa! Chillax.
I really didn't want to interrupt
while you make the OnlyFans top ten.
My stable boy tried to shake me awake
and our bodies touched inappropriately.
Okay, wow! I see.
You're doing this "undercover."
Right? Like soccer players.
Have you been a couple long?
- Only when he indulges in wine.
- You don't love those of your ilk.
What? You should be dragged
to the pillory for your... misdeeds.
I felt a manner of approval
in your loins.
Silence! Or by the gods
who give me my blue blood, I'll lose it.
I think
it's serious if you leave
a toothbrush at someone's place.
What is a toothbrush?
We've spent a few nights together.
- Silence!
- Boys, it's really okay.
I love LGBTQUPS.
Isn't it lovely
that Sleeping Beauty's prince loves a guy?
We need a rainbow flag for the castle.
And maybe you can marry!
Let me through!
I want to see her chamber.
- Where is my son?
- Out of here now!
Not a word to anyone
or I'll tell them all what you did.
You used black magic on me.
You could burn for that.
At the stake?
- If I have to search the entire castle!
- Stop that woman!
Move!
- You're alive.
- Yes.
You're awake?
- Who kissed you?
- I did!
- No one!
- I did.
I woke her with my lips. Love.
Love.
- My lips were full of love.
- Oh! Am I dreaming?
And she has accepted my proposal.
Isn't that right?
- Must it be him?
- Rejoice!
We have a wedding.
Our houses are joining together.
Let the people know.
You can't choose your family.
Fly the engagement flags!
And...
get me a goblet
from the Fountain of Youth.
For a toast.
Oh my God, I don't want to marry you!
What you want
is of no consequence, woman!
And definitely not
without Wi-Fi and battery.
You can invite who you want.
However, if you boycott the wedding,
I must chasten you!
Chasten?
Zeynep.
Hurry, we have to get out of here.
It flies when sunlight shines.
Books are dangerous.
Especially one from a witch.
Portal magic!
"Destroy portal..."
I don't need a dumb magic book for that.
"Restore portal."
What kind of letters are these?
You can only read every other word.
Nazi writing.
"To restore the portal you need
a dragon tooth..." Seriously?
"... a unicorn hair
and a spoon of slime from a golden frog.
Scatter everything over the shards,
then melt in black magic."
Stay put.
I beg you. Put that devil's work down
or let me go.
I need your help. Where can I get
a golden frog and a unicorn hair?
Is there a Walmart?
Can you get them?
Never.
Black magic can cost you your life.
I have a solution for your carpet.
If you help me get home
before I'm forced to marry,
I'll make sure you can get,
or fly, out of here.
Put it down.
The golden frogs are in the underbrush.
You lure them with a golden ball
and with...
Right, good. Take your time.
Thank God it's all you can drink here.
Oh, dearest, risen from the ruins.
I'm so glad
you were saved from the curse.
Oh, I see you've wished for...
Cocktails.
My head's pounding a bit already.
Oops!
Table, deck thyself with an aspirin.
Where is that swashbuckler
Prince Bosco?
- How did he defeat the witch?
- I smacked that ugly old bat down myself.
- I don't need a man to defend me.
- Rosa's jesting.
She's quoting a shallow book.
You'd best not start reading.
Makes a woman shameless and insolent.
Yeah, right, motherfucker.
A poet's word for a fianc.
My proud motherfucker.
- Yes, or fuckface.
- My brave fuckface.
- Mm-hmm.
- Enough flattery.
This fuckface is going
to murder a canap now.
No, thank you.
Artolf?
- Help...
- Artolf!
Oh my God.
"The Princess and the Pea."
Pardon that brief moment of unmanliness.
- Thanks would be cool. She saved you.
- I don't think I need a dame to save me.
Well, the pea, you did nearly...
it wasn't a pea. It was a gunshot.
I was rakishly shot at!
Let a knave clean me!
Not a word!
You want to marry him?
No.
Oh good Lord,
I don't want to grumble, but...
since you vanquished your curse
I've felt like
there's a fire burning inside of me.
It has washed away the shadow in my soul,
kindled something!
Pardon my ridiculous gibberish.
But I took the personality test.
It says: "You are a... Power Lady."
What is that?
"You aren't just on fire on social media.
In the analog world
you'll show your ex
you've got more vibes than he knows.
Chill and dream wild.
Keep reminding yourself
that you're one bad bitch."
What's it mean?
Can you decipher this language?
Well, it means
you should take control of your life.
- Do what you feel like doing.
- Like a man? You're regaling me.
What'll happen if your main squeeze
doesn't pull the sword out of the stone?
He won't be the king's first knight,
and will be even worse-tempered.
Oh, what a lather he got into lately!
"Today is the day!
Today you're mine."
It moved!
Tomfoolery.
I swear, Pea-bee.
It's best no one knows about this.
No, no, no.
You have to tell Artolf.
He'll be so stoked.
He'll be so proud of you, believe me.
He's such a proud motherfucker.
I...
- But maybe you're right.
- Oh yes. All right.
- Yeah.
- Princess, I have one!
Yes, I'm coming. Just chill.
Damn, it's strong!
Princess. Help me!
- Hold it still!
- It's slipping.
Finally a kiss for the lovely maiden.
Eat me.
All of you?
How can it be so big?
Now we just need a dragon tooth
and a unicorn hair for the spell.
Your prince had dragon teeth
on his uniform.
- If you accompany him to the ball...
- Oh my God. Fuck!
I'm going to a kick-ass VIP party
who knows who might be at
and I can't film anything!
There must be energy
around here somewhere.
Nice! Voice activation.
"Regeneration.
Spell to restore energy and vitality."
Energy! That's power.
"All that you need is
to be pure of heart."
Yeah, I'm def that.
Or not?
Then I punched a girl in the face
so hard she had to go to the hospital.
And I've lied like 47 times.
I must've stolen money about 12 times.
I scratched my cousin's car.
I've never lied.
Hold on. You've never lied?
Uh-uh.
- Hit someone?
- Uh-uh.
So your heart is pure?
Mm-hmm.
Uh... uh-uh.
"Replenish the energy in a lifeless body
from your own body.
Summon the great goddess Anudana.
Grab each other's hands
while in a circle of sisters..."
Dude, come here!
"And... sing."
Sing?
To uerstont taz rot
uerstande biz stant rot
uersegene diusa feire...
My first shitstorm.
Shit! Why didn't it work?
Did we do something wrong?
- I don't have a good feeling.
- I feel... how cool is that?
- What's cool?
- The shit!
Do you describe all your feelings
with body excretions?
Sorry. I'm only at six percent.
Prince Bosco Hartmut of Sprengel
and his wife-to-be
Rosalia Sigisgunde Esmeralda of Catania.
Hey, I know we've got a beef.
But I have to get
a TikTok video with you later.
Pea-bee!
Cute, yeah.
Oh my God, those poor unicorns!
Unicorns are horrible. They chew up roses
and are very aggressive.
- Especially towards women.
- Oh!
But they taste good
if you kill them during a full moon.
Damn, I so need a loop with Cinderella.
If I were her, I'd tell Prince Charming
how he looks straight away.
- There's no sense in it.
- Do you know her?
Yes, from Christmas.
From ZDF and cheap Netflix movies,
they all show her idiotic story.
Every fucking year I get to see
how you have to be pretty
for anyone to fall in love with you.
No front, it's true.
Where is Artolf?
Was he stoked for you?
He was delighted, Rosa.
And he promised to speak to the king.
Amalia!
Pardon me please,
that's Samira of Punzel.
Rapunzel. Yeah, I know her.
Ah! No two-timing, you hear?
Peace?
I know I was too strict with you.
It's just that...
I'm expected to wed a woman.
So what? Screw them!
I saw how cute you think he is.
He's a knave.
I don't wish to gab about it.
Let's enjoy the music
and show how happy we are.
Maybe you can complement him
or gift him something.
I think a very sweet guy
is hiding behind that hard armor.
It is wrong.
I want to forget him and make a child
with you, to give your life meaning.
Wow! How generous of you.
It's sure to be the best sex of my life.
Not!
Bow your heads for our ruler,
venerable King Wilderich II.
My people!
I have an announcement to make.
Another heroic tale shall be written down.
The sword was pulled from the stone!
Go on, he just called you.
We have waited for
the most courageous knight for centuries.
With my strong hands...
I pulled it from the stone.
Enemy soldiers will bow to my might.
Why's he talking crap?
- Amalia pulled it...
- Artolf shall head my round table.
Bravo, bravo.
That's all you have to say?
If you contradict the king,
you get beheaded, Rosa.
Apparently I'm not worth a tale.
- Hey? But...
- Please.
Don't fan the flames of my longings
any longer, okay?
I'm lucky
he still wants to be my fuckface
after my immodest defiance.
- How did you like the ball?
- I can show it to you.
- Look.
- Oh, what festivities!
And all set in stone in your phony.
But it was just okay.
The mood took a dive at the end.
Because usually
you hook up with someone in the end,
or you slide into their DMs.
I'll show you a really cool party.
Look.
Oh my God, it so went off.
It was so awesome.
Oh, hah, my little sister.
- Why are you contorting your faces?
- Dude, that's selfie face.
That's my sexy face. Kylie meets ghetto.
Charge me.
That... No, no, no. No!
I'm not wearing makeup. No!
Without color.
As Your Highness really is.
I don't like that.
Can you stop calling me "Your Highness."
I can't just address you as you...
You can't hide behind the color.
Even if you dip gold in camel poop,
it stays gold.
And where is your castle?
- Um... my room...
- Beggarly.
Yeah, so? It is social housing.
It looks cozy.
But don't you have cows?
No.
Whose souls are those?
Ahmed and Dragan, ex-boyfriends.
Smashed and passed.
From the Orient!
Is that why you want the prince?
Did they not covet you adequately?
Covet? What a weird word.
You have the hots for someone.
You want to put something hot on a man?
Does that mean love in your world?
Yeah, or you hook up with someone.
Who'd do something so cruel?
Only under the devil's influence.
Or under the influence of alcohol.
Whoever kissed you should've made it
the most beautiful day of your life.
How sweet!
Say,
"Hey, beat it. She's my girl."
Sweet is a good word, isn't it?
I'd so swipe right on you.
Are you kidding me?
Oh my God!
Oh God, what...
So bad.
Oh no! Shit.
What an S&M fairy tale!
We don't know what it is,
but it seems it must be destroyed.
The prefacy.
Wow.
It always looks so easy
when a prince carries a woman around.
I hate equal rights.
I'll make things good again.
I hate crafts.
Hello!
How many fingers do you see?
I don't know,
but I've never been able to count.
What happened?
Carpet aleykum!
Oh my God!
How nice.
You brought it to life.
Now you can fly home,
to your own adventure.
Stop with the magic lantern.
I swear, Will Smith's inside it!
Well, I only know the Will Smith one.
Although, I'm not sure.
He was canceled.
In any case, it's cool
because you get three wishes.
You become a prince
and get the Sultan's daughter.
Jasmine.
She's not like German princesses.
But she can't be the shit like you are.
Yeah, well, I almost killed you.
Please forgive me
for causing you trouble.
Why are you apologizing?
- You could be furious with me.
- Me, furious?
You sacrificed your phony for me,
and you love it more than anything.
Come with me to my world, the Orient.
You said you wanted to follow me.
Yes.
But only on Insta.
Zeynep is right.
I've messed up so many things.
At least your life
should go according to plan.
Your happy end with Jasmine and all.
Do you not have something hot for me
because I'm not a rich prince?
Or are you ashamed of me?
Your Highness.
Aladdin, if you don't go now,
I'll scream and have you quartered!
- All four parts will be at your feet.
- You'll forget me soon enough.
- Pardon me, Your Highness.
- No, not now!
It's better this way, Aladdin.
Ground unicorn hair. Got it.
Dragon tooth, too.
Okay, now frog slime.
God, it feels like I'm making
a book of magic tutorial.
But without followers.
Watch out, Chanti!
Bitch, hey!
Hey, Bitch.
Where have you been? We have to go!
Sorry that I just got dug up.
Come on, don't get upset.
Now, let's repair the mirror.
Okay, I've prepared everything.
Sure, take your time.
How am I supposed to know
how to use these powers?
Dude!
Man!
I look like a slut princess!
Hey, they said not to get angry
or you can't control it.
Dude!
Oh, man!
Zeynep? I made out with Volkan once
when you were still together.
What?
- My God!
- Now it just has to dry!
- That burned way more than on my ass.
- Your ass?
I farted a huge fireball.
You think it's funny, huh?
All of this bullshit is your fault!
I didn't want to be eating eggs
in mustard sauce with kids as an adult!
I wanted a normal fucking life!
Hey, chill out, ugliness.
APPLICATION
I don't want to work.
Nothing.
How many times did you only say
you sent applications?
Uh, sorry?
I can read your mind, you liar!
No!
Oh!
I've been waiting six months
for us to start an internship.
And you don't even send off
a fucking application.
And then you hide my reply?
- Zeynep, it was just because...
- Because?
Because I was scared
they'd reject my application anyway.
Everyone says I'm useless
and always fail.
Rightfully so.
Because you're a loser!
- What?
- What what?
You're not a BFF!
You're a bitch FF!
And I knew that you made out with Volkan!
None of that!
You won't fire at me.
I'm unfollowing you for that.
What luck!
The portal is restored and open.
I'm burning your extensions off first,
you Aldi princess!
Man, Zeynep, you imbecile!
We can go home!
Rosa, it's time to fit your wedding dress.
Well? Are you up for a perm?
I'm warning you!
A witch!
A witch!
We are Sisters of the Earth!
- Guards...
- You damn nobles!
You've burned and drowned enough of us.
Guards!
Whoa! Zeynep, chill! You're not yourself.
Move aside or I'll blow both of you away.
Mother!
- Holy Mother of God!
- Lorenz, my mother.
Your Highness.
He's helping me get dressed.
To do that I had to undress myself first.
Oh well, you have to tell her
some time or other.
He's gay. He loves men, not me.
Do you want to talk it over alone? Or...
This happens
when you neglect your husband.
What?
If I see you near him again,
I'll have you quartered.
It's no one's fault.
It's as normal as can be.
Just like witches are normal people,
just with special powers.
- You're super bigoted.
- Witches are people?
- You monster.
- Dude!
I knew it!
You ooze obscenity and immorality.
This is ungodly.
- Mother!
- Silence!
She poisoned you. You're healthy.
But she and her friend are witches.
- Witch!
- You stay silent.
Come here, you witch!
- Let her go!
- Not filming?
I can stuff
a fucking Crunch Gum in my mouth!
She's a degenerate too!
She put a spell on my son.
Stay where you are!
I'm Rosa of Blocksberg!
I can turn you into rats.
Hocus-pocus!
The garlic gun!
Throw her in the dungeon!
Shit, shit!
I need the diamond from the prophecy!
Or they'll kill Zeynep!
The thing from the witch...
To the west!
- To Burgfried's castle!
- I can't help you.
How you end this adventure
is up to you alone.
How am I supposed to do that? Oh, man!
Every girl knows
how a damn princess's dress looks.
But we don't learn how to read a compass
or fight messed up guards.
These victim-driven fairy tales
cloud your mind!
You think it's about looking good,
and then a prince comes for you
and you ride off into the sunset.
Then suddenly you're an adult
and believe in this garbage till the end!
Does it have to be a horse
or will a carpet do?
- Salam aleykum.
- Why are you here?
What's with the outfit?
How did you get back so fast?
My wish brought me to you.
Really? Where'd you get this?
I flew to Baghdad
and found the magic lantern.
As you prophesied, I wished for a kingdom
and became a prince.
I have the second largest gold reserve
in the Orient,
4,000 camels and a modest palace
made of diamonds.
It was very stormy over the sea
and a pirate ship
shot fire at me.
Okay, we've got to go.
- So you want...
- To Burgfried's castle.
- I thought somewhere romantic.
- Boy, I ain't got time.
I have to save Zeynep.
I hope you have a full tank.
Oh God!
Ha-ha! Fuck you!
- We have to go west.
- Hold tight.
How can they do this
AND sing in Disney movies?
- You are the chosen one?
- Yeah.
Sadly, not on Love Island.
He has roasted
countless knights and noblemen.
Did you learn
to fight dragons in your world?
Dragons are extinct in my world.
But I'm really good with animals.
Our parakeet flew into the fridge
and I revived it with a blow dryer.
Like you did me.
I knew you were special.
Well, I had shitty grades,
I have a fake license
and I'm banned from all
Douglas cosmetics stores for stealing.
And it's my fault
my best friend has to die.
I'm afraid
it's a printing error in the prefacy.
and that I'm just a white trash princess.
You're wrong.
What about Jasmine?
I set out to find her to forget you,
and I found her.
Aw! Again already?
How often do you want to rub me,
you bastard noble with a bought title?
- You foul-smelling scum!
- Jasmine?
You've filled this wastrel's head
with silly ideas.
Thanks to you I tried for days
to slide him into your DMs!
Whatever that's supposed to mean!
I need my beauty sleep.
You have one wish left.
And then I never want
to see you again!
Huh? Crazy!
Your fairy tale is totally different too.
I thought you fall in love.
That's already happened.
I want to learn your ways in love,
no matter how cruel they sound.
You can put something hot on me or...
I might even try
to hook up with you and...
to swipe right on you.
Hooked up.
That didn't hurt.
Then, um...
can you swipe right on me now?
That fucking was really lovely.
We just made out
and didn't even do much fondling.
- There's more?
- Yes.
But I don't know
if it's allowed in fairy tales.
Well-bred children read them.
Let me fight the dragon,
and die for you if I have to.
I have to try to put things right again
and free the golden quill alone.
- I understand.
- Who knows?
Maybe girls would've managed more
if there'd been a princess
who took care of her own crap,
without a prince.
After 7,089 years do I finally hear
a sensible woman talking
who knows what she wants?
You want to go into battle in that getup?
Oh, yeah.
Can you maybe lend me a sports bra?
Farewell.
At vacation's end
you give each other something ugly
so you don't forget each other.
Is this your real name?
My name is Chantal.
BITCH
Give some good thought
to what you use your last wish for.
Best date ever,
and I don't even have his number.
Oh my God!
Who has dared to wake me?
Who has dared to disturb my...
A woman?
I'm a princess,
if you really want to know.
You want to fight the dragon?
Whoever wishes to challenge him
gets to choose a weapon.
Be warned. No one has ever survived.
Which weapon do you choose?
I want my cell phone back!
- Huh?
- My telephone!
Huh?
That weapon means nothing to us!
You said I could have the weapon I want,
not that it had to be
in your crap collection.
- Silence! You...
- Go ahead, say it, Grindy.
Then you'll end up as a climbing wall
in a theme park.
Yo, right, dude. Fuck you!
I want my S7!
Um, I mean, I think...
Of course, it was the latest Galaxy model,
the flip phone.
With a two-year Spotify subscription,
unlimited data and all my apps.
Means nothing to us.
Dude, are you still on Myspace or what?
Samsung Galaxy Z Flip?
Curse it!
Oh my God!
LOL! Oh my God, the latest model!
Oh my God! Go cray-cray!
I have to get out of here alive
or I won't be able to show off.
You've chosen your weapon.
Good luck, woman.
That was a bit too ironic for me.
Oh God!
You really want trouble, huh?
It's like you're still lit from partying
and feel invincible.
And then the guy you're into shows up.
You feel really sexy and perfect.
Then you check yourself out
on your phone...
and think,
"Fuck, I look shitty and drunk.
I'm a real mess."
You can hope I don't send this
to all the knights.
Or this can remain our little secret.
I need some damn big poop bags for you.
Nice, Coco.
Khaleesi has one more thing
to take care of.
Stay!
Yes, you're a big boy, aren't you.
A very big boy.
This'll be the TikTok hit I've waited for
for five years!
Mr. Dragon!
And Zeynep will have to put it
to Britney Spears again.
Fly!
Oh, man!
Coco, we found it!
That's the king's Fountain of Youth.
Go on, Coco!
Time for a smackdown!
Begin!
- Chanti?
- Stop, you bum!
Enough of your fake news.
Either let her go and give me the crown
or I'll delete your account forever!
Wow, awesome plan.
Why didn't you go through the mirror?
Because I'd do anything for you.
I was afraid of losing you. That's why
I hid the letter. It was a wack move.
Great timing for a deep talk, Chanti.
Kill the blasphemer,
and bring me the dragon's heart!
Capture that witch now!
Princess Rosa isn't a witch!
Sit back down now!
She perverted you.
Do not hurt her,
for she is worth her weight in gold.
- She showed me who I really am.
- Silence him!
I wish I could be the prince she deserves,
but I love...
Me! Take me!
No! He loves me!
I love a man.
And I love you.
I beg your pardon?
Blasphemy!
He can screw himself! Go on, Coco!
That's right!
Whoa there!
Good, Coco!
A dragon who spits water!
Delightful!
It isn't just any water, butthead.
It's your favorite water.
From the Fountain of Youth.
Good Lord!
I'm young!
Oh no, Coco!
I told you not to swallow it.
Chanti!
Never!
My sword, my rules!
Gosh almighty.
I never thought I was such a bad bitch.
You!
You treated me like a piece of filth!
Oh! I can't kill him. He's too adorable.
You cute little monster.
Go away, you meanie!
I nearly married him!
Remember when we first met in daycare?
They were beating you up
because of your ugly shoes.
And you stood up for me,
in front of all of them.
I haven't been a good BFF lately.
I was only thinking of myself.
Do you maybe feel like forgiving me?
I'm sorry for saying
that you were a loser.
You're dumb and ugly
and have no taste whatsoever,
but you were such a dope princess, Bitch!
That was so sick!
I def forgive you.
It's going to be
a cool fairy tale after all.
Write.
And the time came
when the king was toppled.
The sisters freed the queen
from the prison the king trapped her in.
Why did he trap you in there?
Because I wanted a divorce.
Thank you.
You showed us that we must all
take our fates into our own hands.
My beloved people,
witches shall have equal rights.
All curses are lifted henceforth!
No child shall be brought into the world
without the aid of a sister.
From now on everyone can love
who they please!
So, Wilderich, how about taking
another shot at your upbringing?
- Gender neutral perhaps.
- Sounds good.
Alvina, look that up
in the encyclopedia of magic.
... RAISE JENDER NEUTRAL...
Amalia, you shall become
the first female knight at my round table.
Yay, Pea-bee!
I will defend Her Majesty
by my blue blood and fight anyone
who endangers our newfound freedom.
I'd like to thank...
all of you
for your excitement
about the beginning of a new era.
The era... of truth!
Well then, my bitches,
the adventure is over.
You will be stripped of your memories
so our world stays protected.
- Okay?
- The reward for the chosen one.
Oh my God!
Wow!
Ah, but I'm not supposed to
take it, am I?
Because then I'll be the ugly egocentric.
I'll take it anyway. No, just kidding.
Yes. Or no... Yes!
Not kidding.
No!
Kidding.
I thought I needed all that.
Money, followers, success,
but to be honest...
Other things
really do matter more.
Friendship, for example, and freedom.
Yeah, so things I actually already had
but never had to fight for.
Oh my God!
I've never felt so clever!
I think now I know how it feels
when you've gone to college!
You spared me going to college!
But I'd like to keep my memories.
Don't make me forget
who you are and what I created.
- I'd like to be proud of myself for once.
- Pardon!
I'd like to forget it all,
every bit of this nightmarish fairy tale.
No front.
And I'd like my content back,
and my stories.
- Stories?
- Yeah, what was on my phone.
My tales.
Of course, in the electric world
you love our tales.
- Bye.
- Farewell.
Why isn't she reading?
Keep reading!
Yes!
Keep reading!
The Queen of Thorns.
Your content, for the truth doesn't fit
in a phony, Sparky.
"The Princess of Thorns returned...
to her world,
but she was never forgotten.
Fairy tale land built a statue of her
as strong and pretty as she was
so that no child would forget
it could change the world
if they only believe in themselves.
And if she hasn't gone offline,
then she lives on as one cool bitch."
- Thanks.
- Dresses suck.
I want armor too.
Oh my God. Chanti!
You have 4,000 new followers.
- What?
- They all shared your profile.
Oh my God!
- Celine, what did you think?
- Pretty nice.
That princess was kind of like you.
Just cleverer and prettier,
and she got her life in order.
- Shut it!
- Forget it!
- The agent!
- Answer it.
- Hello?
- Girl, you sent in an entry.
The club was a bit too edgy,
but we checked your social media.
We saw how often yourprofile
was shared during the reading.
You're trending, babe.
That fairy tale's super fresh.
That's just what the customer wants.
But the Crunch Gum tastes like crap.
- Pardon me?
- I'm not wasting my adventure on it.
- Is it the money?
- Who do you think I am?
I've got 4K.
Call me when you've got Gucci.
We offered 49 euros...
How did you think up this book?
With your help because you always knew
there was more in me.
- Say what?
- Hey, Chantal, that was really good.
And I've never seen them focus
on anything over 15 seconds long.
Oh God! Maybe I'll apply
to be an educator in the Arche.
But that's totally... social.
Right? Yeah.
Hey, eggs in mustard sauce.
Who wants crepes with a shot?
Oh my God!
The ones with a shot are the best.
- I want a double!
- Me too!
Hold up.
I have a surprise for you, ugliness.
If as!
- From the law office?
- Mm-hmm.
I wanted to wait and see if I got one,
but I won't.
And I don't want you
to miss out because of me.
You can't be serious, idiocy.
Oh my God! Oh my God!
But will you be angry if I do it alone?
No.
Because nothing can separate us. Nothing.
We'll always be there for each other.
I just know that.
You're the only follower
who really counts.
Okay!
Whoa!
Yesterday you stole my sports bra
and then sexted my brother, and today...
You're so different.
Why?
Is there something wrong with my makeup?
Soon it'll all be gone.
Hey, that's mine!
Uh... Mom?
Do we have a new carpet?
What?
THAT WAS
CHANTAL AND THE MAGIC KINGDOM
- Oh, the camera's rolling!
- Go on.
Oh! Oh my God!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Hello, I'm Chantal.
Then I give you kiss.
And action!
School already over?
- What are you doing with my skates?
- I thought you were done coming here.
God, Celine, your older sister again.
Straight up Cardi B ordered from Wish.
- Let's film something!
- Shit. You just startled me.
Princess, what is that devilish thing?
Huh?
He doesn't look that shitty.
What?
There you go.
...sex advice and equal sexes,
we'll be dead.
- Tasty?
- Mm-hmm.
When's she coming?
Cut!
Where have you been?
Come on, we have to go!
Yeah, shorr dat I... shorry...
Shor dat...
- What?
- I thought you believed in me.
What?
As a kid
I saw Stephen King's breakfast...
You're not sending me...
- Did she laugh?
- Yes.
No, but I did because it was just...
Hello, followers.
Zeynep and I
are entering the world of witches.
Zeynep, you don't look scared. Huh?
Chanti? Chanti, no! We're going home!
He looks like... like... like...
He looks like...
- He looks like Danger!
- Which one?
Again.
We have to do it again.
Oh! Not the vase!
Sorry.
Introduce yourself first
if you don't send DMs!
Prince Bosco... No, this...
I hate this sword so much.
Oh shit!
He banged himself.
No!
No! Now go.
Ew!
No!
Oh... Go!
Come on.
We've reached it.
The gate to the accursed world.
But I don't want to marry you!
Why not?
What you want...
Oh my God!
Again.
What you want is of no consequence,
woman!
Where is the personality test?
Just a second, people. Sorry. Here!
Oh my God, boys! Hey!
It's really okay.
Oh my God!
"Mix it all together
and scatter on portal when dry."
Oh my God! What happened?
A little swim.
Farewell.
- I have another line.
- Oh, man, Sebastian!
Your hair!
I'm grateful that you saw it all through.
Okay, that was good.
I think I need help.
His arm.
No chance.
Look out.
Ah...
Oh my God, ew!
They're making sure...
Sorry.
It's crawling onto your face... Ah!
Pardon me. Sorry!
Okay. It's crawling back up. I'll...
Okay. Whew. Uh!
- You'd have to do something...
- Look.
- What is it?
- Go on, do that to her...
What is it?
Bye, sweethearts. I love you.
And remember: You're not ugly
just 'cause you don't have likes.
We're all princesses.
Bye! Your Chanti!
THE CHANTAL AND THE MAGIC KINGDOM TEAM
THANKS YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORGET HOME SAFELY
AND LET THE MAGIC HAPPEN IN YOUR LIFE
SINCE 1696 SLEEPING BEAUTY HAS BEEN WOKEN
FROM HER SLUMBER BY A PRINCE'S KISS.
FAIRY TALE PROPERTIES
And... live!
Hello, followers,
girls, boys and everything inbetween!
Huh, not live?
Where are the little hearts?
- You ask, "How do you look so fresh?"
- ZEYNEP: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Oh, thanks! So sweet of you.
That's why
I'm testing beauty hacks today!
With...
super glue!
I'll add a link for the product. Cool!
Right above...
And then test it.
Really good.
I recommend
you put some on the bottom too.
Oh, cool!
Now push it down a bit again.
Wow! The perfect selfie face.
Mom!
Welcome to Social Spirit.
Out with it, girl!
A fashion company
wants to collab with you.
- Do you have a unique look?
- Yeah, totally.
- Are you diverse?
- My name's French.
Do you have over three million followers?
You could be the right influencer.
To collab with our brand,
send us your application...
Mom, welfare office today, huh?
Celine at school?
And for allyou newcomers,
we have a super sweet contest
for micro-influencers:
Salty Crunch Gum.
Salty chewing gum with crispy flakes.
Create a cool idea
that shows yourpersonality.
- Like on Germany's Next Top Model!
- Film it and add a link to our agency.
With a bit ofluck, you could be the new
face ofour social media campaign.
Please! I don't have any money. I'm broke!
Oh my God!
Crunch Gum! The salty chewing gum.
It'll give your life the ultimate kick!
Not another influencer contest!
Chill!
If the prank looks fake,
I won't get any likes.
- No one's going to like that crap.
- Shut up.
No! I wasn't visible.
We have to do it again.
- No way, you dumb thing.
- Oh, gender neutral!
Check the mail
for any replies to my applications.
"Acceptance for paralegal train..."
Nothing.
You haven't gotten any replies?
Man, Zeynep!
You and me together or fuck work!
We'll be big, bitch.
You got a pentagram tattoo
and now you want to be a legal para-slave?
It's a peace symbol.
I told you your cousin was
too dumb to do tattoos.
Man, he painted cars!
She says "creative and romantic."
That means a nice dress and a date.
How dumb can you be, Chantal?
- And you're not a whatsit anyway.
- I'm a micro-influencer.
You have 300 followers.
You're a "micro-penis influencer."
Oh! It's pancakes at the Arche today.
Oh, and an antique flea market
for children in need.
Chanti, we're too old for this.
Man, we need a real...
job.
- Huh? Did you say something?
ARCHE FOR KIDS
But that's it.
There's a dumb girl in 7th grade.
Her mother works till seven.
Sure, Zeki.
This is a social center,
not a high school daycare.
- The moving company's donations.
- To the charity flea market.
- In the back with the other stuff.
- All right.
It's good when they see we're friends
because you're mixed!
- Chantal, what's she doing here?
- What do you mean?
She's here with her friend every day.
- Why so pushy?
- Can I go there?
That's my side!
- I thought she was interning.
- We call her Petra Pan now.
No, I don't like that.
The lips look bigger this way.
The only way to get her out of here
is to shut off the Wi-Fi.
- Over my dead body, Paris.
- Your sister.
Hey, Celine. School already over or what?
Really?
I thought you were done coming here.
So embarrassing!
- This is a youth center.
- Your older sister again.
Shut up, Karina. We're not old.
We were here when you were a poster child
for ugly kids in a sperm bank.
You see her story with the glue?
Major fail, man.
Another litterbug sorting incorrectly
and poisoning our planet.
Chill. Did you share my profile?
Sorry.
Your account has zero relevance.
How does that nerd get 70k
with stories about sorting trash?
Chantal!
What? Him? He's still alive?
I thought all our teachers were dead.
- You really don't have a job?
- Yes, influencer.
I'm about to go viral.
Well, I blow chunks
when I see your brainless posts.
- He follows me!
- Stop dreaming about getting famous!
If as!
Every history book is loaded with VIPs.
Like Hitler,
these twins, Mona and Lisa.
What's his face... Galeu Galei,
who discovered falling stars.
Homo and Playdo.
Homer and Plato.
Do you think we remember them
for their selfies
or damn lip-sync clips?
Just because they didn't have internet.
The people we respect
tried to change the world,
with actions and not showing off.
Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Evening News.
Oh my God!
A princess dress!
- Your Highness.
- We could do a fairy-tale booth.
Fairy tales? Barf.
Princesses are so uncool.
Who wants to be fucked awake?
But princesses
aren't bad at all for your contest.
- It's supposed to be romantic.
- Oh yeah?
What a strange-looking mirror.
Such weird symbols,
and what language is that?
It's German!
"No wish is clever."
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
who's the dumbest sister of them all?
Fuck off, Celine.
Chanti?
Did you see that?
Yeah. A trick.
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
who's the hottest influencer of them all?
Ugh. Huh?
Oh my God.
Who was that?
You, Chantal Ackermann,
are the hottest.
How does he know my name?
Connecting to my phone without asking!
But these influencers
are far more successful.
Dagi Bee, Caro Daur,
Peggy Gou, Sandra Lambeck, Stefanie...
- Got it. Now shut up.
- Why is it talking?
- It's really creepy.
- A frustrated intern is messing with us.
Make your wish.
Let's go. They'll sell our data
and I'll get loads of dick pics again.
No, dude!
Let's film something in front of it.
Oh, yeah.
I'm the princess, you're the witch.
I have to kiss my prince charming,
then chew Crunch Gum.
Um, def not. Then I'll have to edit it
and add some Britney Spears to it.
- I'm not doing it.
- Your wish is my command.
- Dude!
- Hey, this is really creepy.
Where can I turn it off?
Don't let me go! Don't let...
- Yes, do! Film it!
- What?
Film it!
Chanti? Is this a prank?
How did you do that?
No! No! Ah!
Where... Where am I?
Hello?
Oh my God. Is this the Stone Age?
Hey!
Hey as well, my dearest.
What the fuck!
Fuck you too. Is that a greeting
in your world? Do you fuck each other?
Where am I? Who are you?
I'm Sparky.
Welcome to the magical world.
And I thought my name sucked.
Is this augmented reality? Oh God.
I'm a fairy,
and steward of the magic portal
from the time without a name.
But the king had every portal destroyed
for he feared the chosen one might come
and topple him.
- You bitch, don't screw with me!
- Oh, am I a bitch?
I wish you could teach me more
fine language from your electric world
but time is precious, my dear bitch.
Is this a show on the channel Sat.1?
But it doesn't look cheap.
You awoke
the last of the forgotten mirrors.
Your wish has been granted.
You are a princess.
No!
Zeynep, why are you in crap?
What did you do? Where are we?
Shit! That was a real magic mirror.
Did you know there's a fairy tale world?
How would I know that? Am I a physicist?
We want to go home now.
Yes, tomorrow morning
when the cock crows
the portal will open
and you'll have five days to return.
If that time frame passes,
you get to stay in the magic world forever
and live your dream to its happy end.
Ha-ha-ha! Fuck you.
Oh, fuck you both dearly too.
If you need me summon me with
"Sparkity, spark out of the dark."
What?
- What a nightmare!
- Yo, chill, ugliness.
Let's play damn fairy tale for a day
and tomorrow
when the cock... the cock...
Oh my God!
Now this looks so good on me!
I can wear anything.
Zeynep!
This is my chance to be a lit influencer
and to win the contest!
Look how dope this is!
If I lie down here like this. Look.
It'd be super awesome
if I had a prince for the content.
- You stink.
- What content?
You said this trash was romantic.
Is your head empty?
You're thinking of that?
I'm sure it'll sell good
if a princess sells the gum.
Aw!
Just look at me!
And who am I?
Maybe a witch!
- No! No!
- No! I don't want to be that.
You must be Cinderella.
You'll get prettied up. Yay!
And what fairy tale am I?
But did Cinderella have a rune necklace?
You really have to chill
or you'll become a neurosician.
Aw! Maybe I'm that Ariella girl,
but before she became a fish.
Go.
Try me.
- Your Highness.
- Princess Amalia has just arrived.
Okay. Who is she? What's she want?
I presume she's here
for your birthday celebration.
They want to bid you fare...
They want
to celebrate you, dearest.
Most beautiful, most delicate,
most exciting, bustiest...
- Snappiest.
- Lewdest.
- Most vile.
- Most terrible.
Most embarrassing.
Hey, birthday party, Zeynep!
Let's explore a bit.
Please. We don't have anything to do
till the cock squeals.
You get a dress too, bro.
How sick is this?
It looks so real.
- Oh my God!
- Is that...
Yo, bro, what's up?
Big-time fan!
- At your service, Your Highness.
- Ow.
- Salam aleykum!
- Aleykum salam, Your Highness.
My God, why do you speak German so good?
Actually, it's good.
My Arabic is a bit, well, rusty.
Shakrun, bissi, hadik.
So cringe.
You must be mistaken.
I'm just a lowly slave.
We know who you are. You're Aladdin.
- You know my name.
- Yeah, now stand up.
You creeping around here is so strange.
I can't stand before you.
Then get back down.
No, stand up!
Sorry I looked you in the eye.
Don't behead me.
Don't screw with me.
Oh, is this your...
Oh, you know.
I don't. I'm uneducated and dumb.
Dumb? Me too.
Graduated with a 1.0 GPA. High five!
Magic lantern!
Your magic lantern!
If your father, the king, poops magic.
Pardon my jest.
I'm a filthy guttersnipe.
No! What are you saying?
You're my favorite fairy tale.
Can we take a selfie?
I won't be here for long, you know?
Princess, what is that devilish thing?
Huh?
He doesn't look that shitty.
But he liked me, didn't he?
Your foreigner fetish
is out of control, ugliness.
By the way, it was a shit pot.
Man!
My God!
Who picked these awful pics?
- They're paintings.
- Post those, lose all followers.
Dude, why am I frowning
like Angela Merkel?
Dude, they're so ugly!
They need a trigger warning.
Princess Rosalia Esmeralda of Catania!
Rosa, my dearest!
- Look, Barbie.
- God, she knows you.
Hey!
Delightful! How refreshingly direct.
- And who do I have the honor...
- Bitch!
You look like money.
Nicely said. I love poetry.
Who's the poet?
Forget it. I won't know him anyway.
What do I know, I'm so clueless.
She's a friend from Berlinia.
A pleasure.
Amalia Marianne of Kannstein.
My father was
the Wildman of Kannstein.
He stabbed Torsten of Totenberg to death
in the battle of Rummelsberg
and has been the king's hero since.
- And your line?
- The U3 or the 156.
Impressive.
You must be so proud of your family.
Oh, how I'd love to have you two
at tomorrow's ball.
Princess!
For you I want to be
the first knight of the round table.
My fianc, Knight Artolf,
the foolish soul.
Move.
Look here!
As if from butter
I shall pull out the sword of power.
A ball? You mean a party?
Wicked stuff. We'll be there.
Mm-hmm.
Oh well.
Others have to marry their brothers.
Others have to marry their brothers.
Table, deck thyself with roast.
Table, deck thyself with something
from McD's.
Look, with lots of glitter and stuff.
A real Magic McFlurry.
I herald the arrival
of Their Royal Highnesses,
your mother the Queen and your father,
the venerable King Wilderich II.
- Is he one of the seven dwarfs?
- I think he's the king.
How did he father me?
He doesn't even have ball hair.
Give me your disinfucktant.
What a beautifully embroidered hanky.
Oh, the fabric! How delicate.
And that smell. Is it lavender?
Clove?
That's my tanga.
Worn.
And what is
this peculiar Bible you read?
The women are wearing pants!
And is this a box?
- Pepper spray.
- I love Oriental spices. So precious.
- How does it open?
- Don't! It'll blind you!
It's a weapon to fight off men.
Women's lib and all.
Women's lib.
You really are a rapscallion.
Defeating a man?
What a grotesque fantasy.
It's not fantasy, it's normal...
Cut the crap!
This is the fairy tale world.
Look at these chicks.
If you start with sex advice and equality,
we'll be dead.
This isn't Instagram.
It's Twitter.
Dearest?
Do you think this is a new wrinkle?
No, my king. You are flawless.
I said that yesterday
and every day before that.
Artolf!
A goblet from the Fountain of Youth.
- Of course, my king.
- Wilderich!
Not another sip from the fountain
of youth. People are talking.
Silence!
Or I'll have a beak painted on you.
So what's the deal with princes, Daddy?
I feel like I'd like to have one...
- To marry?
- No, a selfie or video clip will do me.
I was thinking about going to the ball.
Someone magnificent will come.
100 years will pass
as if in the blink of an eye.
What do you mean 100 years?
Your curse?
Rosa, we have tried everything.
Every magus, every medic.
Our blood has always been susceptible
to curses.
We are...
powerless.
- Not so tightly, knave!
- You overate, My Royal Plumpness.
Is that how you treat an heir the throne?
I should've let you rot
at Rumpelstiltskin's court.
But you wanted me.
Lift the prince onto the horse.
Bosco, once issued from my womb
and forever at my bosom
till I couldn't recognize it.
- Are you finally riding, my prince?
- Stop barking at me, Mother.
I'm not a herd of sheep.
My soul strains.
Is it a good day
for a romantic heroic deed?
The sleeping princess
will be awoken by your kiss.
Climbing a wall. My young,
strong prince will surely manage that?
Yes, Mother.
Born the strongest and most handsome.
Didn't you want
to awaken the lady
in the diaphanous coffin
a few months ago?
- What stopped you then?
- It was raining.
Heavily!
Oh, how I envy your father his fate.
May a dragon kill me
to free me from this wedding chaos.
Propose to Princess Rosa
and make her virgin heart skip a beat
before she wakes up properly
and can think straight.
Make her heart skip a beat?
Words aren't your greatest weapon.
The swan fat.
And if your heart doesn't skip a beat?
- Wouldn't you rather marry...
- What God joins together...
soon becomes one.
Nose.
Nose.
Giddyup, Gilgamesh!
Whoever awakens you shall happen upon
the most beautiful bride.
What if I don't like him?
What if he's stupid? Or ugly?
Or a non-smoker?
I want you to wear my veil.
Like my mother and hers before us.
Flying caterpillar thread.
It hasn't been produced in 200 years.
The fields in my homeland
were burned in the Silver Wars.
When sunlight shines on it,
it gives your soul wings.
There is no way to escape fate.
Okay, good night.
Oh, my child. So brave.
What was that?
Is it before or after
Cinderella and the shoe?
- Girl, you're Sleeping Beauty!
- No!
Does she have to kiss Rumpelstiltskin?
A witch comes and you die for 100 years!
No! I want another fairy tale.
One with drugs and sex.
Or strippers.
Please, please, please!
Please, let us go back before sunrise.
Or she'll die.
Chill, Zeynibeth,
I won't let a witch screw me over.
This is just a fantasy world.
- Avatar is fantasy and you can die there.
- Man, stop whining.
We're from Neuperlach!
On May 1st you knocked a cop out cold.
A flower pot slipped off my balcony.
Girl, I'm the boss, okay? I'm on
the nobili-team. As elite as it gets.
From Pimkie to Gucci, girl. Boom, boom!
What does a bitch do in Neuperlach
when two nasty dudes grab her?
- Die?
- No, man.
Fight.
- Against a witch?
- Yeah.
No, no! Lexus, no!
No, not here!
It absolutely had to be a dog.
"Please, please, a dog, Aunt Samsara!
We'll look after it."
My child.
I have lovely yarn for you to spin.
It's me.
I've always wondered
what this spindle actually does?
I never really got it.
Can you show me?
Certainly, princess.
Watch my fingers
as the precious yarn runs through them.
Do you want to try?
But you have to be careful
that you don't prick yourself, right?
Oh my God! I love your necklace.
Ever considered a collab
with a drugstore?
No.
Hmm, Yeah. You'd have to do
a little something to your hair.
Because they want you
to look well-groomed.
Have you ever considered
putting this nest up?
Honestly, no.
I always wonder why the little dimwits
don't defend themselves in fairy tales.
- Dimwits?
- The princesses.
The princesses? Ah!
I saw Stephen King's It
at breakfast when I was four.
No screwing up my fairy tale!
You dare to rebel?
Help! Help!
- I said help. The cue!
- Maybe I can't hear in there!
Ah, silver!
Get rid of the curse or we'll skewer you.
Amina koyim!
Who's the witch, bitch?
Dos covo, spuriferi noticomal.
Da bilihorea aruteac
vemo vemo demenila.
- Matedicanya D'elebo.
- Matedicanya D'elebo.
You'll regret this, princess.
Oh God!
Shit! The curse!
In the vase!
Oh my God!
Slay!
We fucked Disney!
I'm so going to take
this messed up world by storm!
When I'm done
The Witcher will be on kids' TV!
Dude, crazy that they don't even have
EDGE here.
Let's find a prince
and make some content!
It'd be funny if we did something
with Rumpelstiltskin.
Or I'll do a loop with that Elsa chick.
You know?
I light a cigarette
and then she does this with her finger.
You know? "No smoking."
Or with Michael Myers!
Chanti, the mirror's working!
We can go home!
I haven't filmed anything yet.
What?
Oh my God! A prince, right?
No! No, we're going home!
- Damn roses!
- Oh God!
He looks like Danger!
I did say my prince charming!
We're going home now!
- Hold on a second!
- You're so sick!
Insta time! Now!
It's the ideal prince charming moment.
Please! One tiny story with
a real prince, and I'll win the contest.
Just two seconds. Please!
You're gorgeous.
- Two seconds!
- Yeah! You're the best.
Hide.
Oh no!
I look like a last place top model
doing Game of Thrones-themed porn.
I need a deeper neckline.
Oh!
- What's up, boy?
- Why are you awake?
Whoa! I'll get lots of likes with you.
You speak a strange language, princess.
Is it the slumber?
- Is it the witch's curse?
- Hey!
As long as I'm the princess no groping!
The beauty was to sleep for 100 years.
No one other
than Bearstrangler Bechthold
enters the scene.
Not you!
Ready to free the princess...
Your spirit is like a fire
that can only be put out with a kiss.
Introduce yourself first
if you don't send DMs.
Prince Bosco of Sprengel,
of the bluest and bravest line
this side of the big sea.
I've vanquished devious enemies
and terrible monsters.
The world whispers my name in awe!
And now I am here to... love you.
I wanted to see you naked
all through high school.
I must insist,
the physical bond isn't a lark
but an act of fertilization
following matrimony.
- Have you ever been with a woman?
- I won't tolerate intimate questions.
I've conquered women on all continents.
But none of them were as beautiful
and peerless as you, princess.
Before you stands Prince Bosco,
the warrior, the man of men.
Does she worry he won't bed her?
I am getting some strange vibes,
but okay.
- Let artists capture it so. Full of...
- Wait, that's my bad side.
In a frenzy of emotion
ecstasy overcomes us...
Hold on, hold on.
Mm, Crunch Gum!
It gives true princesses a real kick!
Huh?
From sleep I awoke you
and in thought I bedded you.
Rosalia of Catania, will you marry me?
That our kingdoms become one.
Do you wish to be my companion
in war, plague and famine?
And in the few good years to come.
Yeah, sure. Who doesn't dream of that?
Verily?
- Crunch Gum!
- Well, then...
Give your life that fairy-tale kick!
- The ring my great-grandpa gave...
- I'm filming!
I'm filming!
Hit the link with the code Chanti3000...
- ...my great-grandma.
- ... to get radi... a rebate.
So this is how it shall be.
Oh man! That didn't seem real.
We have to do it again.
Not the vase!
An exotic insect in your castle!
No fear! I've fought against dragons.
And man-eating cyclopes!
It is as if the heat in me is...
and heaviness in my heart.
Mother.
- Is it you?
- No.
Strong flier.
Zeynep!
He swallowed the Sleeping Beauty curse.
I think I messed up the fairy tale.
Shit!
Yeah, wake him with a kiss or something!
Oh my God, he reeks of booze!
Because he was afraid of you.
Shut it! He thought I was hot.
He was semi-hard.
No idea. Didn't work.
I'm probably not right. You try.
Yeah, exactly.
You're such a slut!
This is so Harvey Weinstein.
- Mm, Crunch Gum!
- Oh my God! My prince charming moment!
I'll get the job with that for sure.
We can go home.
Chanti, come here please.
Uh... Hello, Mr. Mirror?
What did you do?
Hold it!
Hold it!
How?
No, no, no, no!
Oh God!
- No!
- Fuck!
- No, no!
- Oh God, oh God, oh God.
Oh no!
Do you think they have super glue here?
I can't think of any fairy tales
with it in them.
You're so dumb.
Man, girl, it's a fucking magic mirror!
How are we going to get home now?
What's her name.
Call the fairy! She can repair it.
Sparkity, spark out of the dark!
Not good. Not good at all.
Unpalatable. Medusan!
I'm holding back
from turning you into mice.
My insurance will pay for the repairs.
Even if I knew the spell,
a portal can only be repaired
by an initiated witch.
Oh, fuck! We'll have to ask
that psycho witch if she'll help us.
Women sticking together
is totally trending.
- Where does the bitch live?
- The Enchanted Forest could kill you.
Where is the Enchanted Forest?
I'm giving her a really bad Google rating.
First we have to get rid of him
or we'll be in big trouble.
Everyone will think it was me.
Yeah, because it was you.
- Into the fireplace.
- Seriously?
Mm-hmm.
So you killed the wolf,
you chit of a girl?
That hairy devil
had been wreaking havoc for months.
I was rabbit hunting.
The scumbag got in my way.
He jumped on me. I gave him all my love.
Enchanting.
- Right between the eyes.
- Can you...
I was told there was a four-thaler reward
for shooting him.
- Little Red Riding Hood?
- What stories there are in my realm.
What will you conjure up today, scribe?
Yes!
Get over here!
Stop it!
It was a dark night
when the grim gray wolf
heard the footfalls of... of his executor.
- The Red Huntress.
- Stop!
Are you planning
to encourage nubile girls
to battle their way
through forests with swords?
Don't we have
brave knights and princes for that?
Your stories are meant
to keep order in my realm!
Happy hunting beats unhappy marriage.
Silence!
And it so happened
that a young, innocent girl...
"Oh my God!"
...was dancing through the forest...
No!
No? Walking...
Yes. She was walking on the way...
to her grandmother's
to...
to bring her bread and wine.
- Cake.
- Huh?
Re... Really? Cake?
Does cake go with wine?
Yes. Yum!
- Excellent!
- Idiot.
Cake... That's good.
The quill looks like
it's being forced to do something.
- What's with the quill?
- It's making a fuss again.
Go on!
Forgive me, but without
the big blue diamond in your crown
you don't have full power over it.
Well, try harder! And write faster!
Or I'll have you beheaded!
- But Red Riding Hood...
- That rug rat decides what kids read?
No wonder fairy tales are so shitty.
... upon sensing her young body,
mucous dripped
from his hairy...
ass?
Without humor. Let's keep it traditional.
As always!
"Good day, Red Riding Hood!"
And if the prince wakes up
in the fireplace?
What do I care? If he complains
in 100 years, I won't be here.
- Chanti, let's take the horses.
- Yeah, untie them.
I don't have Wi-Fi at the moment,
but when I get home
I'm so going to tell you the truth.
Things here are a bit different
than it says in the books.
But I can tell you this:
I'm the dopest Sleeping Beauty ever!
Chanti! We have to go.
I'm going to give
this fairy tale such a sick upgrade
that they'll think,
"Man, she got swag or what?"
Aladdin!
You hiding?
Princess, I implore you.
Give me my soul
that you've captured back.
No. I want to post it.
- Ask him the way.
- Yeah, with his carpet.
- How do you know about that?
- My God!
As a kid I always used to imagine
you picking me up on it.
Follow me.
Look, ducks.
- Nice room.
- Thanks.
This is my carpet.
- It's nearly finished.
- Cool.
- Can it fly?
- A flying carpet?
Once I find one, I'll give it to you.
These are my parents.
They came from Baghdad in a slave boat.
I was still a child and...
they both died of illnesses.
I never want to forget their faces.
- Oh my God!
- Are you dumb?
Huh?
And... this is me.
Well done.
I've never been back to my homeland.
I just have to get enough gold...
Steal it? You hawk it, right?
I'm working to earn it
to pay for passage.
Huh? Then the film was wrong.
I thought you were a thief.
And what's this here?
- That's my cow.
- You have a cow? What's its name?
- Aisha.
- Aisha!
Aisha...
Okay. Do you know an enchanted forest
where the witches live?
Uh-uh.
Can you lie any worse?
Take us there.
How many lucky charms can you have?
The Enchanted Forest is full of evil.
Do you have a girlfriend or a fuck buddy?
I don't understand you.
- Stop hitting on fairy tale characters!
- God! I'm just chatting. Bitch much?
- Do you have a girlfriend, a fiance?
- Allah hasn't given anyone my heart.
Oh God, I can't ride.
And he never will if this crazy princess
leads me to my death.
Not so fast!
We've reached it.
The gate to the accursed world.
He wouldn't last a second
on the streets of Berlin.
Bismillah al-Rahman al-Rahim.
Oh my God.
Are you checking your makeup?
Yeah! What if we die?
This may be the last video I make.
If it gets on TMZ on TV
I want to look hot.
Comparing Crunch Gum and gingerbread.
Yuck! What is this?
Way overbaked.
It's wood.
Uh!
Where is the damn gingerbread?
This fairy tale world is total crap.
My battery's dead.
Oh, I could puke!
Screw your battery.
We have to get home.
No one here.
Hansel, for the thousandth time,
no playing in the oven!
Oh my...
Hi. Um...
We need help repairing something.
I can offer you...
Tampons?
CS gas, or... Oops.
A... tanga.
Your color?
Gretel? Get your brother out of the oven.
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, okay?
"Yeah, okay" me
and I'll give you rabbit ears.
How dare you?
After all you've done to me?
Get ready... to die.
Um... I haven't read every fairy tale,
but you guys
are always kind of the assholes.
Maybe this is a good time
to work on that
and to say,
"Hey! Maybe I'll help this princess."
To start over again.
Delete all your posts, refresh account.
And then a single post,
me and you holding hands:
"When you realize
your enemy can be your best friend."
Ah! What did I do?
Your father had our circle burned.
The flames killed almost all of us.
I was able to escape the fire.
Now we'll take what's dearest to him.
Girl, he's not my biological father.
Okay.
Alvina? Alvina?
They say we sisters eat children.
Yet we were midwives for centuries,
and were loved till this king's reign.
Hey, do you know about magic mirrors?
About traveling through portals? Yes.
Let me look in the big book of magic.
Alvina?
Maybe some warm birch water too?
Enough!
She's doomed to die.
Don't get friendly
with all things I want to kill.
He sings odious songs about us.
Makes fables out of all kinds of nonsense.
Yeah, I don't want to get you going,
but he also writes
that those two burn you in the oven.
No! We'd never do that!
We wouldn't, really.
Children,
watch as I use a single shot
to annihilate her.
Where'd you get this?
Are you from the electric world?
Yeah. I think so.
You're the prophecy.
You bring the realm and my sisters
a new beginning.
Yes, and be glad
that I'm not vindictive.
Sana kanguta, malanto.
- Nah devenya.
- Nah devenya.
Zeynep, this is the Lion King fairy tale
or something.
Um, one quick question
to be sure you're not lying.
What does this prophecy say?
Once in our world, you enter
our erstwhile ruler Bergfried's castle
and find the powerful diamond,
the blue jewel.
It belongs in the king's crown,
which he dons illegitimately.
The diamond grants the power to free...
the quill.
Have I ever had trouble
finishing sentences?
The new age of tales
will bring peace and freedom,
to all of us.
Unless you fail.
And what's that?
We don't know what it is,
but it seems it must be destroyed.
Oh my God, that's my cell phone!
No!
Question!
Why hasn't anyone gotten the diamond
from the castle yet?
Because it's guarded
by a bloodthirsty dragon.
My sister writes
Harry Potter fanfiction too, but...
It has killed countless knights
who believed they were the chosen ones.
The one on the pyre
has my pentagram tattoo!
Thanks, you can close the bat again.
Oh my God. She def has Covid now.
This compass will lead you to the castle.
I'll pray that you survive,
for a better world.
Our blood.
Our part of the prophecy.
Riomi...
bremnu cavasanas sanoyem.
Midjen nasjure.
Raluka jamich.
What did she say?
Yeah, bloodthirsty dragon and all,
I don't know what to say.
This is a major honor.
I've been preparing for this day
since I was born.
But I'd just like to experience
my little sister here
become a full-fledged witch.
Initiation? No need.
I need her initiated.
It's just safer.
That's not in the prophecy,
but I decide anyway.
Prepare for initiation in a small circle.
I have an abortion later.
Do you have a charging cable
or a power bank?
You haz power?
Go.
Our blood will find you once it ripens.
Ripens?
Chanti, I'm scared!
Zeynep, screw the prefacy.
You're our last chance to get out of here.
Get initiated!
- It's going to be so enchanting.
- Yeah.
It's like confirmation. A few candles.
You get a gift like headphones.
- But it isn't simple.
- Oh yes it is.
And when you're a witch,
you can fix the mirror
and we'll get the hell out of here.
- Shake until daybreak.
- And what are you going to do?
I wanted to do a "what I eat in a day"
with the wishing table.
What?
I'll find the magic spell
to repair the mirror.
- You'd better not screw it up!
- No.
Sister?
- I have to unclothe you now.
- Clothe, yeah.
What exactly do you mean by "unclothe"?
Unclothe and anoint.
How long will that take?
Mother Earth decides that.
Usually two moons.
So nata si huva...
Was the other lady killed?
Chill. Habibi Blocksberg is coming later.
Come on!
Man, I've got to go.
Oh my God!
A tiny fairy was just watching me wee,
and I couldn't film it.
Damn cell phone battery.
It makes me sick!
What makes your strange phony
so valuable?
- Does it contain gold?
- It will free me.
And make my dream of being
rich and successful come true.
Even richer?
You have everything a person could want.
A castle, princes at your feet.
Yes, I'll explain
social media some other time.
I'd so follow you
if you had a blue check mark.
But where? To my homeland?
You're interested in the Orient?
Yeah, boy. All of
my ex-boyfriends are from the Orient.
Except Danger.
He's basically the only white bread.
- I like white bread.
- Yeah?
I like white bread with sausage.
Clear off, Kurgunde.
No, Wilderich.
I refuse to reason about this.
My son came to your castle
and now he's vanished.
Well, he didn't wake my daughter
or do you see her?
I'm going to search for him.
Or I swear to you, war is nigh!
War? Don't exaggerate, people.
What kind of a war?
With a woman leading the soldiers!
Soldiers led by a little child
don't scare me much either!
Drink less Fountain of Youth water,
Wilderich.
Get out of my kingdom!
I'll destroy your pathetic castle!
Please, no war!
I don't want to be to blame.
Your wife lives in a painting.
And we both know why, you tyrant!
Yes!
Shit!
Keep calm.
Waking up a corpse
must be in here somewhere.
Making a corpse disappear.
Cooking a corpse down?
Only a hint of breath escapes his lips,
which smile teasingly as if he dreams.
Oh, if only my sigh would awaken you
and your blue eyes would gaze upon me.
The blackbird sings our song
as it did when you once held me.
Forbidden yet so fervently
our lips did meet.
Oh my God!
Cute.
- Who is it?
- Lorenz! Someone saw us!
Oh my God, boys!
Whoa! Chillax.
I really didn't want to interrupt
while you make the OnlyFans top ten.
My stable boy tried to shake me awake
and our bodies touched inappropriately.
Okay, wow! I see.
You're doing this "undercover."
Right? Like soccer players.
Have you been a couple long?
- Only when he indulges in wine.
- You don't love those of your ilk.
What? You should be dragged
to the pillory for your... misdeeds.
I felt a manner of approval
in your loins.
Silence! Or by the gods
who give me my blue blood, I'll lose it.
I think
it's serious if you leave
a toothbrush at someone's place.
What is a toothbrush?
We've spent a few nights together.
- Silence!
- Boys, it's really okay.
I love LGBTQUPS.
Isn't it lovely
that Sleeping Beauty's prince loves a guy?
We need a rainbow flag for the castle.
And maybe you can marry!
Let me through!
I want to see her chamber.
- Where is my son?
- Out of here now!
Not a word to anyone
or I'll tell them all what you did.
You used black magic on me.
You could burn for that.
At the stake?
- If I have to search the entire castle!
- Stop that woman!
Move!
- You're alive.
- Yes.
You're awake?
- Who kissed you?
- I did!
- No one!
- I did.
I woke her with my lips. Love.
Love.
- My lips were full of love.
- Oh! Am I dreaming?
And she has accepted my proposal.
Isn't that right?
- Must it be him?
- Rejoice!
We have a wedding.
Our houses are joining together.
Let the people know.
You can't choose your family.
Fly the engagement flags!
And...
get me a goblet
from the Fountain of Youth.
For a toast.
Oh my God, I don't want to marry you!
What you want
is of no consequence, woman!
And definitely not
without Wi-Fi and battery.
You can invite who you want.
However, if you boycott the wedding,
I must chasten you!
Chasten?
Zeynep.
Hurry, we have to get out of here.
It flies when sunlight shines.
Books are dangerous.
Especially one from a witch.
Portal magic!
"Destroy portal..."
I don't need a dumb magic book for that.
"Restore portal."
What kind of letters are these?
You can only read every other word.
Nazi writing.
"To restore the portal you need
a dragon tooth..." Seriously?
"... a unicorn hair
and a spoon of slime from a golden frog.
Scatter everything over the shards,
then melt in black magic."
Stay put.
I beg you. Put that devil's work down
or let me go.
I need your help. Where can I get
a golden frog and a unicorn hair?
Is there a Walmart?
Can you get them?
Never.
Black magic can cost you your life.
I have a solution for your carpet.
If you help me get home
before I'm forced to marry,
I'll make sure you can get,
or fly, out of here.
Put it down.
The golden frogs are in the underbrush.
You lure them with a golden ball
and with...
Right, good. Take your time.
Thank God it's all you can drink here.
Oh, dearest, risen from the ruins.
I'm so glad
you were saved from the curse.
Oh, I see you've wished for...
Cocktails.
My head's pounding a bit already.
Oops!
Table, deck thyself with an aspirin.
Where is that swashbuckler
Prince Bosco?
- How did he defeat the witch?
- I smacked that ugly old bat down myself.
- I don't need a man to defend me.
- Rosa's jesting.
She's quoting a shallow book.
You'd best not start reading.
Makes a woman shameless and insolent.
Yeah, right, motherfucker.
A poet's word for a fianc.
My proud motherfucker.
- Yes, or fuckface.
- My brave fuckface.
- Mm-hmm.
- Enough flattery.
This fuckface is going
to murder a canap now.
No, thank you.
Artolf?
- Help...
- Artolf!
Oh my God.
"The Princess and the Pea."
Pardon that brief moment of unmanliness.
- Thanks would be cool. She saved you.
- I don't think I need a dame to save me.
Well, the pea, you did nearly...
it wasn't a pea. It was a gunshot.
I was rakishly shot at!
Let a knave clean me!
Not a word!
You want to marry him?
No.
Oh good Lord,
I don't want to grumble, but...
since you vanquished your curse
I've felt like
there's a fire burning inside of me.
It has washed away the shadow in my soul,
kindled something!
Pardon my ridiculous gibberish.
But I took the personality test.
It says: "You are a... Power Lady."
What is that?
"You aren't just on fire on social media.
In the analog world
you'll show your ex
you've got more vibes than he knows.
Chill and dream wild.
Keep reminding yourself
that you're one bad bitch."
What's it mean?
Can you decipher this language?
Well, it means
you should take control of your life.
- Do what you feel like doing.
- Like a man? You're regaling me.
What'll happen if your main squeeze
doesn't pull the sword out of the stone?
He won't be the king's first knight,
and will be even worse-tempered.
Oh, what a lather he got into lately!
"Today is the day!
Today you're mine."
It moved!
Tomfoolery.
I swear, Pea-bee.
It's best no one knows about this.
No, no, no.
You have to tell Artolf.
He'll be so stoked.
He'll be so proud of you, believe me.
He's such a proud motherfucker.
I...
- But maybe you're right.
- Oh yes. All right.
- Yeah.
- Princess, I have one!
Yes, I'm coming. Just chill.
Damn, it's strong!
Princess. Help me!
- Hold it still!
- It's slipping.
Finally a kiss for the lovely maiden.
Eat me.
All of you?
How can it be so big?
Now we just need a dragon tooth
and a unicorn hair for the spell.
Your prince had dragon teeth
on his uniform.
- If you accompany him to the ball...
- Oh my God. Fuck!
I'm going to a kick-ass VIP party
who knows who might be at
and I can't film anything!
There must be energy
around here somewhere.
Nice! Voice activation.
"Regeneration.
Spell to restore energy and vitality."
Energy! That's power.
"All that you need is
to be pure of heart."
Yeah, I'm def that.
Or not?
Then I punched a girl in the face
so hard she had to go to the hospital.
And I've lied like 47 times.
I must've stolen money about 12 times.
I scratched my cousin's car.
I've never lied.
Hold on. You've never lied?
Uh-uh.
- Hit someone?
- Uh-uh.
So your heart is pure?
Mm-hmm.
Uh... uh-uh.
"Replenish the energy in a lifeless body
from your own body.
Summon the great goddess Anudana.
Grab each other's hands
while in a circle of sisters..."
Dude, come here!
"And... sing."
Sing?
To uerstont taz rot
uerstande biz stant rot
uersegene diusa feire...
My first shitstorm.
Shit! Why didn't it work?
Did we do something wrong?
- I don't have a good feeling.
- I feel... how cool is that?
- What's cool?
- The shit!
Do you describe all your feelings
with body excretions?
Sorry. I'm only at six percent.
Prince Bosco Hartmut of Sprengel
and his wife-to-be
Rosalia Sigisgunde Esmeralda of Catania.
Hey, I know we've got a beef.
But I have to get
a TikTok video with you later.
Pea-bee!
Cute, yeah.
Oh my God, those poor unicorns!
Unicorns are horrible. They chew up roses
and are very aggressive.
- Especially towards women.
- Oh!
But they taste good
if you kill them during a full moon.
Damn, I so need a loop with Cinderella.
If I were her, I'd tell Prince Charming
how he looks straight away.
- There's no sense in it.
- Do you know her?
Yes, from Christmas.
From ZDF and cheap Netflix movies,
they all show her idiotic story.
Every fucking year I get to see
how you have to be pretty
for anyone to fall in love with you.
No front, it's true.
Where is Artolf?
Was he stoked for you?
He was delighted, Rosa.
And he promised to speak to the king.
Amalia!
Pardon me please,
that's Samira of Punzel.
Rapunzel. Yeah, I know her.
Ah! No two-timing, you hear?
Peace?
I know I was too strict with you.
It's just that...
I'm expected to wed a woman.
So what? Screw them!
I saw how cute you think he is.
He's a knave.
I don't wish to gab about it.
Let's enjoy the music
and show how happy we are.
Maybe you can complement him
or gift him something.
I think a very sweet guy
is hiding behind that hard armor.
It is wrong.
I want to forget him and make a child
with you, to give your life meaning.
Wow! How generous of you.
It's sure to be the best sex of my life.
Not!
Bow your heads for our ruler,
venerable King Wilderich II.
My people!
I have an announcement to make.
Another heroic tale shall be written down.
The sword was pulled from the stone!
Go on, he just called you.
We have waited for
the most courageous knight for centuries.
With my strong hands...
I pulled it from the stone.
Enemy soldiers will bow to my might.
Why's he talking crap?
- Amalia pulled it...
- Artolf shall head my round table.
Bravo, bravo.
That's all you have to say?
If you contradict the king,
you get beheaded, Rosa.
Apparently I'm not worth a tale.
- Hey? But...
- Please.
Don't fan the flames of my longings
any longer, okay?
I'm lucky
he still wants to be my fuckface
after my immodest defiance.
- How did you like the ball?
- I can show it to you.
- Look.
- Oh, what festivities!
And all set in stone in your phony.
But it was just okay.
The mood took a dive at the end.
Because usually
you hook up with someone in the end,
or you slide into their DMs.
I'll show you a really cool party.
Look.
Oh my God, it so went off.
It was so awesome.
Oh, hah, my little sister.
- Why are you contorting your faces?
- Dude, that's selfie face.
That's my sexy face. Kylie meets ghetto.
Charge me.
That... No, no, no. No!
I'm not wearing makeup. No!
Without color.
As Your Highness really is.
I don't like that.
Can you stop calling me "Your Highness."
I can't just address you as you...
You can't hide behind the color.
Even if you dip gold in camel poop,
it stays gold.
And where is your castle?
- Um... my room...
- Beggarly.
Yeah, so? It is social housing.
It looks cozy.
But don't you have cows?
No.
Whose souls are those?
Ahmed and Dragan, ex-boyfriends.
Smashed and passed.
From the Orient!
Is that why you want the prince?
Did they not covet you adequately?
Covet? What a weird word.
You have the hots for someone.
You want to put something hot on a man?
Does that mean love in your world?
Yeah, or you hook up with someone.
Who'd do something so cruel?
Only under the devil's influence.
Or under the influence of alcohol.
Whoever kissed you should've made it
the most beautiful day of your life.
How sweet!
Say,
"Hey, beat it. She's my girl."
Sweet is a good word, isn't it?
I'd so swipe right on you.
Are you kidding me?
Oh my God!
Oh God, what...
So bad.
Oh no! Shit.
What an S&M fairy tale!
We don't know what it is,
but it seems it must be destroyed.
The prefacy.
Wow.
It always looks so easy
when a prince carries a woman around.
I hate equal rights.
I'll make things good again.
I hate crafts.
Hello!
How many fingers do you see?
I don't know,
but I've never been able to count.
What happened?
Carpet aleykum!
Oh my God!
How nice.
You brought it to life.
Now you can fly home,
to your own adventure.
Stop with the magic lantern.
I swear, Will Smith's inside it!
Well, I only know the Will Smith one.
Although, I'm not sure.
He was canceled.
In any case, it's cool
because you get three wishes.
You become a prince
and get the Sultan's daughter.
Jasmine.
She's not like German princesses.
But she can't be the shit like you are.
Yeah, well, I almost killed you.
Please forgive me
for causing you trouble.
Why are you apologizing?
- You could be furious with me.
- Me, furious?
You sacrificed your phony for me,
and you love it more than anything.
Come with me to my world, the Orient.
You said you wanted to follow me.
Yes.
But only on Insta.
Zeynep is right.
I've messed up so many things.
At least your life
should go according to plan.
Your happy end with Jasmine and all.
Do you not have something hot for me
because I'm not a rich prince?
Or are you ashamed of me?
Your Highness.
Aladdin, if you don't go now,
I'll scream and have you quartered!
- All four parts will be at your feet.
- You'll forget me soon enough.
- Pardon me, Your Highness.
- No, not now!
It's better this way, Aladdin.
Ground unicorn hair. Got it.
Dragon tooth, too.
Okay, now frog slime.
God, it feels like I'm making
a book of magic tutorial.
But without followers.
Watch out, Chanti!
Bitch, hey!
Hey, Bitch.
Where have you been? We have to go!
Sorry that I just got dug up.
Come on, don't get upset.
Now, let's repair the mirror.
Okay, I've prepared everything.
Sure, take your time.
How am I supposed to know
how to use these powers?
Dude!
Man!
I look like a slut princess!
Hey, they said not to get angry
or you can't control it.
Dude!
Oh, man!
Zeynep? I made out with Volkan once
when you were still together.
What?
- My God!
- Now it just has to dry!
- That burned way more than on my ass.
- Your ass?
I farted a huge fireball.
You think it's funny, huh?
All of this bullshit is your fault!
I didn't want to be eating eggs
in mustard sauce with kids as an adult!
I wanted a normal fucking life!
Hey, chill out, ugliness.
APPLICATION
I don't want to work.
Nothing.
How many times did you only say
you sent applications?
Uh, sorry?
I can read your mind, you liar!
No!
Oh!
I've been waiting six months
for us to start an internship.
And you don't even send off
a fucking application.
And then you hide my reply?
- Zeynep, it was just because...
- Because?
Because I was scared
they'd reject my application anyway.
Everyone says I'm useless
and always fail.
Rightfully so.
Because you're a loser!
- What?
- What what?
You're not a BFF!
You're a bitch FF!
And I knew that you made out with Volkan!
None of that!
You won't fire at me.
I'm unfollowing you for that.
What luck!
The portal is restored and open.
I'm burning your extensions off first,
you Aldi princess!
Man, Zeynep, you imbecile!
We can go home!
Rosa, it's time to fit your wedding dress.
Well? Are you up for a perm?
I'm warning you!
A witch!
A witch!
We are Sisters of the Earth!
- Guards...
- You damn nobles!
You've burned and drowned enough of us.
Guards!
Whoa! Zeynep, chill! You're not yourself.
Move aside or I'll blow both of you away.
Mother!
- Holy Mother of God!
- Lorenz, my mother.
Your Highness.
He's helping me get dressed.
To do that I had to undress myself first.
Oh well, you have to tell her
some time or other.
He's gay. He loves men, not me.
Do you want to talk it over alone? Or...
This happens
when you neglect your husband.
What?
If I see you near him again,
I'll have you quartered.
It's no one's fault.
It's as normal as can be.
Just like witches are normal people,
just with special powers.
- You're super bigoted.
- Witches are people?
- You monster.
- Dude!
I knew it!
You ooze obscenity and immorality.
This is ungodly.
- Mother!
- Silence!
She poisoned you. You're healthy.
But she and her friend are witches.
- Witch!
- You stay silent.
Come here, you witch!
- Let her go!
- Not filming?
I can stuff
a fucking Crunch Gum in my mouth!
She's a degenerate too!
She put a spell on my son.
Stay where you are!
I'm Rosa of Blocksberg!
I can turn you into rats.
Hocus-pocus!
The garlic gun!
Throw her in the dungeon!
Shit, shit!
I need the diamond from the prophecy!
Or they'll kill Zeynep!
The thing from the witch...
To the west!
- To Burgfried's castle!
- I can't help you.
How you end this adventure
is up to you alone.
How am I supposed to do that? Oh, man!
Every girl knows
how a damn princess's dress looks.
But we don't learn how to read a compass
or fight messed up guards.
These victim-driven fairy tales
cloud your mind!
You think it's about looking good,
and then a prince comes for you
and you ride off into the sunset.
Then suddenly you're an adult
and believe in this garbage till the end!
Does it have to be a horse
or will a carpet do?
- Salam aleykum.
- Why are you here?
What's with the outfit?
How did you get back so fast?
My wish brought me to you.
Really? Where'd you get this?
I flew to Baghdad
and found the magic lantern.
As you prophesied, I wished for a kingdom
and became a prince.
I have the second largest gold reserve
in the Orient,
4,000 camels and a modest palace
made of diamonds.
It was very stormy over the sea
and a pirate ship
shot fire at me.
Okay, we've got to go.
- So you want...
- To Burgfried's castle.
- I thought somewhere romantic.
- Boy, I ain't got time.
I have to save Zeynep.
I hope you have a full tank.
Oh God!
Ha-ha! Fuck you!
- We have to go west.
- Hold tight.
How can they do this
AND sing in Disney movies?
- You are the chosen one?
- Yeah.
Sadly, not on Love Island.
He has roasted
countless knights and noblemen.
Did you learn
to fight dragons in your world?
Dragons are extinct in my world.
But I'm really good with animals.
Our parakeet flew into the fridge
and I revived it with a blow dryer.
Like you did me.
I knew you were special.
Well, I had shitty grades,
I have a fake license
and I'm banned from all
Douglas cosmetics stores for stealing.
And it's my fault
my best friend has to die.
I'm afraid
it's a printing error in the prefacy.
and that I'm just a white trash princess.
You're wrong.
What about Jasmine?
I set out to find her to forget you,
and I found her.
Aw! Again already?
How often do you want to rub me,
you bastard noble with a bought title?
- You foul-smelling scum!
- Jasmine?
You've filled this wastrel's head
with silly ideas.
Thanks to you I tried for days
to slide him into your DMs!
Whatever that's supposed to mean!
I need my beauty sleep.
You have one wish left.
And then I never want
to see you again!
Huh? Crazy!
Your fairy tale is totally different too.
I thought you fall in love.
That's already happened.
I want to learn your ways in love,
no matter how cruel they sound.
You can put something hot on me or...
I might even try
to hook up with you and...
to swipe right on you.
Hooked up.
That didn't hurt.
Then, um...
can you swipe right on me now?
That fucking was really lovely.
We just made out
and didn't even do much fondling.
- There's more?
- Yes.
But I don't know
if it's allowed in fairy tales.
Well-bred children read them.
Let me fight the dragon,
and die for you if I have to.
I have to try to put things right again
and free the golden quill alone.
- I understand.
- Who knows?
Maybe girls would've managed more
if there'd been a princess
who took care of her own crap,
without a prince.
After 7,089 years do I finally hear
a sensible woman talking
who knows what she wants?
You want to go into battle in that getup?
Oh, yeah.
Can you maybe lend me a sports bra?
Farewell.
At vacation's end
you give each other something ugly
so you don't forget each other.
Is this your real name?
My name is Chantal.
BITCH
Give some good thought
to what you use your last wish for.
Best date ever,
and I don't even have his number.
Oh my God!
Who has dared to wake me?
Who has dared to disturb my...
A woman?
I'm a princess,
if you really want to know.
You want to fight the dragon?
Whoever wishes to challenge him
gets to choose a weapon.
Be warned. No one has ever survived.
Which weapon do you choose?
I want my cell phone back!
- Huh?
- My telephone!
Huh?
That weapon means nothing to us!
You said I could have the weapon I want,
not that it had to be
in your crap collection.
- Silence! You...
- Go ahead, say it, Grindy.
Then you'll end up as a climbing wall
in a theme park.
Yo, right, dude. Fuck you!
I want my S7!
Um, I mean, I think...
Of course, it was the latest Galaxy model,
the flip phone.
With a two-year Spotify subscription,
unlimited data and all my apps.
Means nothing to us.
Dude, are you still on Myspace or what?
Samsung Galaxy Z Flip?
Curse it!
Oh my God!
LOL! Oh my God, the latest model!
Oh my God! Go cray-cray!
I have to get out of here alive
or I won't be able to show off.
You've chosen your weapon.
Good luck, woman.
That was a bit too ironic for me.
Oh God!
You really want trouble, huh?
It's like you're still lit from partying
and feel invincible.
And then the guy you're into shows up.
You feel really sexy and perfect.
Then you check yourself out
on your phone...
and think,
"Fuck, I look shitty and drunk.
I'm a real mess."
You can hope I don't send this
to all the knights.
Or this can remain our little secret.
I need some damn big poop bags for you.
Nice, Coco.
Khaleesi has one more thing
to take care of.
Stay!
Yes, you're a big boy, aren't you.
A very big boy.
This'll be the TikTok hit I've waited for
for five years!
Mr. Dragon!
And Zeynep will have to put it
to Britney Spears again.
Fly!
Oh, man!
Coco, we found it!
That's the king's Fountain of Youth.
Go on, Coco!
Time for a smackdown!
Begin!
- Chanti?
- Stop, you bum!
Enough of your fake news.
Either let her go and give me the crown
or I'll delete your account forever!
Wow, awesome plan.
Why didn't you go through the mirror?
Because I'd do anything for you.
I was afraid of losing you. That's why
I hid the letter. It was a wack move.
Great timing for a deep talk, Chanti.
Kill the blasphemer,
and bring me the dragon's heart!
Capture that witch now!
Princess Rosa isn't a witch!
Sit back down now!
She perverted you.
Do not hurt her,
for she is worth her weight in gold.
- She showed me who I really am.
- Silence him!
I wish I could be the prince she deserves,
but I love...
Me! Take me!
No! He loves me!
I love a man.
And I love you.
I beg your pardon?
Blasphemy!
He can screw himself! Go on, Coco!
That's right!
Whoa there!
Good, Coco!
A dragon who spits water!
Delightful!
It isn't just any water, butthead.
It's your favorite water.
From the Fountain of Youth.
Good Lord!
I'm young!
Oh no, Coco!
I told you not to swallow it.
Chanti!
Never!
My sword, my rules!
Gosh almighty.
I never thought I was such a bad bitch.
You!
You treated me like a piece of filth!
Oh! I can't kill him. He's too adorable.
You cute little monster.
Go away, you meanie!
I nearly married him!
Remember when we first met in daycare?
They were beating you up
because of your ugly shoes.
And you stood up for me,
in front of all of them.
I haven't been a good BFF lately.
I was only thinking of myself.
Do you maybe feel like forgiving me?
I'm sorry for saying
that you were a loser.
You're dumb and ugly
and have no taste whatsoever,
but you were such a dope princess, Bitch!
That was so sick!
I def forgive you.
It's going to be
a cool fairy tale after all.
Write.
And the time came
when the king was toppled.
The sisters freed the queen
from the prison the king trapped her in.
Why did he trap you in there?
Because I wanted a divorce.
Thank you.
You showed us that we must all
take our fates into our own hands.
My beloved people,
witches shall have equal rights.
All curses are lifted henceforth!
No child shall be brought into the world
without the aid of a sister.
From now on everyone can love
who they please!
So, Wilderich, how about taking
another shot at your upbringing?
- Gender neutral perhaps.
- Sounds good.
Alvina, look that up
in the encyclopedia of magic.
... RAISE JENDER NEUTRAL...
Amalia, you shall become
the first female knight at my round table.
Yay, Pea-bee!
I will defend Her Majesty
by my blue blood and fight anyone
who endangers our newfound freedom.
I'd like to thank...
all of you
for your excitement
about the beginning of a new era.
The era... of truth!
Well then, my bitches,
the adventure is over.
You will be stripped of your memories
so our world stays protected.
- Okay?
- The reward for the chosen one.
Oh my God!
Wow!
Ah, but I'm not supposed to
take it, am I?
Because then I'll be the ugly egocentric.
I'll take it anyway. No, just kidding.
Yes. Or no... Yes!
Not kidding.
No!
Kidding.
I thought I needed all that.
Money, followers, success,
but to be honest...
Other things
really do matter more.
Friendship, for example, and freedom.
Yeah, so things I actually already had
but never had to fight for.
Oh my God!
I've never felt so clever!
I think now I know how it feels
when you've gone to college!
You spared me going to college!
But I'd like to keep my memories.
Don't make me forget
who you are and what I created.
- I'd like to be proud of myself for once.
- Pardon!
I'd like to forget it all,
every bit of this nightmarish fairy tale.
No front.
And I'd like my content back,
and my stories.
- Stories?
- Yeah, what was on my phone.
My tales.
Of course, in the electric world
you love our tales.
- Bye.
- Farewell.
Why isn't she reading?
Keep reading!
Yes!
Keep reading!
The Queen of Thorns.
Your content, for the truth doesn't fit
in a phony, Sparky.
"The Princess of Thorns returned...
to her world,
but she was never forgotten.
Fairy tale land built a statue of her
as strong and pretty as she was
so that no child would forget
it could change the world
if they only believe in themselves.
And if she hasn't gone offline,
then she lives on as one cool bitch."
- Thanks.
- Dresses suck.
I want armor too.
Oh my God. Chanti!
You have 4,000 new followers.
- What?
- They all shared your profile.
Oh my God!
- Celine, what did you think?
- Pretty nice.
That princess was kind of like you.
Just cleverer and prettier,
and she got her life in order.
- Shut it!
- Forget it!
- The agent!
- Answer it.
- Hello?
- Girl, you sent in an entry.
The club was a bit too edgy,
but we checked your social media.
We saw how often yourprofile
was shared during the reading.
You're trending, babe.
That fairy tale's super fresh.
That's just what the customer wants.
But the Crunch Gum tastes like crap.
- Pardon me?
- I'm not wasting my adventure on it.
- Is it the money?
- Who do you think I am?
I've got 4K.
Call me when you've got Gucci.
We offered 49 euros...
How did you think up this book?
With your help because you always knew
there was more in me.
- Say what?
- Hey, Chantal, that was really good.
And I've never seen them focus
on anything over 15 seconds long.
Oh God! Maybe I'll apply
to be an educator in the Arche.
But that's totally... social.
Right? Yeah.
Hey, eggs in mustard sauce.
Who wants crepes with a shot?
Oh my God!
The ones with a shot are the best.
- I want a double!
- Me too!
Hold up.
I have a surprise for you, ugliness.
If as!
- From the law office?
- Mm-hmm.
I wanted to wait and see if I got one,
but I won't.
And I don't want you
to miss out because of me.
You can't be serious, idiocy.
Oh my God! Oh my God!
But will you be angry if I do it alone?
No.
Because nothing can separate us. Nothing.
We'll always be there for each other.
I just know that.
You're the only follower
who really counts.
Okay!
Whoa!
Yesterday you stole my sports bra
and then sexted my brother, and today...
You're so different.
Why?
Is there something wrong with my makeup?
Soon it'll all be gone.
Hey, that's mine!
Uh... Mom?
Do we have a new carpet?
What?
THAT WAS
CHANTAL AND THE MAGIC KINGDOM
- Oh, the camera's rolling!
- Go on.
Oh! Oh my God!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Hello, I'm Chantal.
Then I give you kiss.
And action!
School already over?
- What are you doing with my skates?
- I thought you were done coming here.
God, Celine, your older sister again.
Straight up Cardi B ordered from Wish.
- Let's film something!
- Shit. You just startled me.
Princess, what is that devilish thing?
Huh?
He doesn't look that shitty.
What?
There you go.
...sex advice and equal sexes,
we'll be dead.
- Tasty?
- Mm-hmm.
When's she coming?
Cut!
Where have you been?
Come on, we have to go!
Yeah, shorr dat I... shorry...
Shor dat...
- What?
- I thought you believed in me.
What?
As a kid
I saw Stephen King's breakfast...
You're not sending me...
- Did she laugh?
- Yes.
No, but I did because it was just...
Hello, followers.
Zeynep and I
are entering the world of witches.
Zeynep, you don't look scared. Huh?
Chanti? Chanti, no! We're going home!
He looks like... like... like...
He looks like...
- He looks like Danger!
- Which one?
Again.
We have to do it again.
Oh! Not the vase!
Sorry.
Introduce yourself first
if you don't send DMs!
Prince Bosco... No, this...
I hate this sword so much.
Oh shit!
He banged himself.
No!
No! Now go.
Ew!
No!
Oh... Go!
Come on.
We've reached it.
The gate to the accursed world.
But I don't want to marry you!
Why not?
What you want...
Oh my God!
Again.
What you want is of no consequence,
woman!
Where is the personality test?
Just a second, people. Sorry. Here!
Oh my God, boys! Hey!
It's really okay.
Oh my God!
"Mix it all together
and scatter on portal when dry."
Oh my God! What happened?
A little swim.
Farewell.
- I have another line.
- Oh, man, Sebastian!
Your hair!
I'm grateful that you saw it all through.
Okay, that was good.
I think I need help.
His arm.
No chance.
Look out.
Ah...
Oh my God, ew!
They're making sure...
Sorry.
It's crawling onto your face... Ah!
Pardon me. Sorry!
Okay. It's crawling back up. I'll...
Okay. Whew. Uh!
- You'd have to do something...
- Look.
- What is it?
- Go on, do that to her...
What is it?
Bye, sweethearts. I love you.
And remember: You're not ugly
just 'cause you don't have likes.
We're all princesses.
Bye! Your Chanti!
THE CHANTAL AND THE MAGIC KINGDOM TEAM
THANKS YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORGET HOME SAFELY
AND LET THE MAGIC HAPPEN IN YOUR LIFE