Charging Card (2023) Movie Script

Hey, Sherief! Sherief, Sherief!
Sherief, Sherief! Sherief!
What is it? Who is it?
Are you kidding me? You don't know
your own daughter? What the hell?
Right. My daughter.
Kiddy, sweetie,
how many times do I have to say it?
We agreed not to use
that naughty word, right?
Grandma Kaydahum uses it.
I'm named after her, I get to use it too.
Sherief! Sherief!
What is it, you old hag!
- What do you want, Kaydahum?
- A "rotorcycle."
- A what?
- A "rotorcycle!"
That ought to take you places.
Let's see you figure it out on your own.
Then again, you're my daughter.
It's called a motorcycle, honey.
That's the one. I want a "rotorcycle."
You'll have your motorcycle.
But there are nicer ways
to wake people up.
Maybe a grilled cheese or a cup of coffee.
Not a freaking attitude.
Great, let's just chitchat the day away.
Get up, Sherief. We're late.
- Yes, ma'am.
- But, Mom, I want a "rotorcycle."
I say you drop out of school
and start delivering takeout.
You two will be the end of me. Get moving!
Come on.
Please, I don't need another lecture.
Now, you pay attention in class, Kiddy.
We don't want you failing the year, okay?
It's not med school.
I'm only in second grade.
Then again, it took you eight years
to graduate community college.
You told her? Snitch.
Put a sock in it!
And put a mask on it, will you?
It's suffocating,
and my gal pals don't even wear it.
I don't care about your gal pals.
Just put it on, please.
And why do you get to skip the mask?
'Cause your mom
never lets me catch a breather, anyway.
- Watch it.
- Oh, what I'd give to breathe again!
- I said, watch it!
- Yes, ma'am.
Come on, honey. We're running late.
Go on, sweetie. Be the champ
your daddy wants you to be.
I have two conditions.
Let's hear it.
You and Shiko will get me a "rotorcycle"
and a new pair of shoes,
because mine are worn out,
and my gal pals make fun of me.
Sure, Kiddy. I'll buy you a pair.
- And a "rotorcycle."
- You can forget about that.
- Eight long years in community college.
- Well, God forbid you keep it to yourself.
Come on, get inside. We're late.
- And put on the mask.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Put it on.
Well, the girl's getting her shoes.
Wanna get motoring?
Stop fooling around.
I'm just saying,
we haven't had a date since forever.
You know, a candlelit dinner?
Maybe get in bed before we're bedridden?
Let's not head in that direction.
Come on, we're late.
Yes, ma'am. God help me.
- No way!
- What?
Facebook's sending me ads
for shoes and motorcycles.
Sherief, do you think
they're spying on us?
No, that's not unusual.
The other time, I was talking to my pal
about that COVID "pedimedic."
- "Pedimedic?"
- The Corona thing.
Next thing I know,
my feed is swamped
with Grey's Anatomy fan edits.
I said, stop fooling around.
Oh, dear.
For the love of God!
- It's too hot in here.
- Yeah.
How about that AC, mister?
Don't you think you're a little
overdressed for this party?
Well, the after-party
on my way back is too chill.
Chill enough for a beanie?
What are you, my wife?
It's a free country.
Hey, watch the attitude.
I don't want to fight an old man.
How do you know
it's not a young man under that beanie?
Your nose is too big.
- You'll get there.
- Eyes on the road, pal.
They are. Get off my case.
Good God.
- Hey.
- What?
Don't forget to get us some shrimp
on your way back from the coast.
I'm not spending my bonus
and travel allowance on shrimp.
Besides, it's such a clich.
You know, I'm this close to giving up,
but phosphorus is a game changer.
It works wonders for us.
Easy there, Stallion.
Pass the fare, fellas.
- Pay up.
- This is for two.
Here you go, man.
You forgot there's two of you.
You forgot the fare's 250 piastres.
Not anymore.
Gas prices are through the roof.
I'll kick you through a roof.
What are you saying, hag?
- Who's a hag?
- I'm the hag.
- Who does he think he's talking to?
- Probably me. It's the beanie talking.
You talk to me, not her.
We're not paying more than 250 piastres.
Well then, maybe I should pull over
and let you hop out.
Hop out? It's a miracle we hopped in.
Here. Shove it up your beanie, meanie.
Hey, Wafaa.
Don't forget to get him his shrimp.
Hey, Refaat.
- Are they airing the game?
- Yeah, but it's limited-access.
How come? It's on our turf.
If anything, it should be on broadcast TV.
That ship has sailed. They got the rights
to broadcast and cable television.
Well, how do I catch the game?
Easy. You go to the airing company,
pay a subscription, and watch it
from the comfort of your home.
Just like that?
And how much would it cost me?
Not much.
1,200 and 500 for the subscription.
They're just screwing the little man.
The little man just needs to be
a little flexible.
- A little what?
- Flexible.
Flexible how?
Maybe sign Mr. Mukhtar's
compliance certificate?
- Are you serious, Refaat? A bribe?
- What?
- You want me to take a bribe? Hell no!
- Tone it down!
Haram money doesn't last anyway!
Like they say, ill-gotten, ill-expelled.
- What?
- Explosive diarrhea, Refaat.
That's how it's coming out.
Fine, just pipe down. Forget what I said.
And don't bring it up again.
Sure, man.
So? How are we watching the game?
I'll be watching from my couch.
You'll be watching from a sidewalk caf.
But you need to slip Agwa a lil something.
- What?
- Another bribe?
- Not again.
- Hell no!
I'm not slipping him anything!
And I'm watching from the sidewalk caf!
- Penalty!
- Yes!
And we're only three minutes in...
Hey! Hey, you!
A bare brew, a couple sweeties,
and fenugreek for the girl on fleek.
- Quit the gibberish and listen here.
- At your service.
- I need a chair.
- What's wrong with this one?
I mean, a four-legged chair
for normal people. I can't sit in 2D.
Don't be greedy. This guy's sitting in 1D.
Coming up!
Impressive. Sitting on a one-legged chair.
How did you pull that off?
I'll give it a try.
Muhammad Magdy Afsha
on the international stage. He shoots.
- And he scores! Goal!
- Yes!
- Thanks, guys.
- Afsha, the golden boy
with the golden touch,
scores the first goal...
I'm not going to no sidewalk caf.
They got people sitting on their heads.
It's a circus over there.
Fine. Forget about sidewalk cafs.
Just hit the indoor caf down the street.
But you have to be flexy.
- What?
- You have to be flexible.
- Flexible how?
- Hossam, the owner. Slip him something.
I told you haram money doesn't last!
I'm going to the caf.
And I'm not slipping anyone anything!
Good game, boys. You didn't disappoint.
By God, you made us proud.
Hey, waiter!
- Sir.
- The receipt, please.
- You mean, check?
- You're the chic one.
This is my everyday wear.
I like to be colorful and stylish.
Would you like to pay in cash
or with a Mastercard?
No need for a Mastercard.
I only had a coffee and a cup of tea.
I'll pay in cash.
Tea, a coffee, and a bottle of water.
That's 215.
- You're talking to me?
- Your tab is 215.
Where'd you pull that number from?
What did I drink? A four-course meal?
This is insane!
Why'd you sit in a classy caf
if you can't afford it?
Watch yourself!
You don't know who you're talking to!
I'm a taxpaying law-abiding citizen!
I don't want to hear
another word about cafs.
I'm allergic to smoke anyway.
And my wallet's allergic to bills.
Well then, you only have one way to go.
I'm all ears.
- Hello.
- Hello, there.
Is this an electronics store
or a Mario store?
And getting teased for my uniform
is the cherry on top.
Have I seen you before?
I don't think so.
I only got out of prison yesterday.
- Prison?
- You know the Cable Bandit?
- I do.
- I came up with that.
You must be the Wet Bandits' cousin.
You're such a good sport.
- Look away, boy.
- Why?
Kids are very impressionable.
- Sure.
- Now, how can I help you?
Actually, I want to steal me some cable.
You know how it is with the...
Spare me the details. I have a job to do.
I'll run you a line
that'll get you 15 channels.
- It'll cost you 120 EGP.
- Sure.
When can you do it?
Beyond the morrow.
That's too much vocab for you.
I mean, after tomorrow.
That won't cut it.
The game's tomorrow. I have to catch it.
So, he has a game to catch.
- Please, hook me up.
- On it.
May you save the princess.
- I've got you.
- May you slay the dragon.
I'm on it, man.
I've got you covered.
May you earn an extra life.
- May I smash the screen if you don't stop.
- Sorry.
it looks like I'm all booked up tomorrow.
Come on, man. Help me out here.
I can do you a favor and run you
a line tomorrow for 200 EGP.
There will be a surcharge.
No need to "supercharge", Mario.
I just need a free line
to move around the house.
- "Supercharge"? Look away, kid.
- Why?
Kids are impressionable. It's "surcharge",
as in "I can't help but charge it."
I can't help it either.
- But don't you think 200 is too much?
- Is that haram, Sheikh?
- Haram! Doubly-triply-quadruply haram!
- Pay up.
- That's a compound adjective, woman!
- Hey!
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!
- What is it?
- I don't like the game plan.
Why not, brainiac?
Marmoush needs to drop back
and Elneny needs to push forward.
If it isn't Issam Chawali!
- You should coach The Pharaohs.
- Gladly. I'll bring the cup home.
Spoken like a true dishwasher.
Go make us something to eat.
Sure thing. Just give me four hours
to watch the game.
Why? Are you watching it twice?
- Daddy.
- Hold on, let me speak to your Mom.
Hello? Yes, Foffa.
No, it's okay.
I bought the receiver and installed it.
I took the money from our savings.
Well, I'd rather buy it than steal it.
I can't sin, you know that.
I'm not fighting you on the phone.
We'll talk when you get here.
Bye, now. I have a game to catch.
Goddamn it. The lights went out.
I can see that.
Guess I won't be
catching the game after all.
For the love of God.
Stay here, all right?
How come it's lit outside?
Amm Sayed.
- Coming.
- Sorry to bother you, Amm Sayed.
No problem.
Sherief, how are you, Son?
- How's it going, Amm Sayed?
- Can't complain.
Sorry to ask,
but do you know an electrician?
Your power's out?
Wouldn't be asking if it was on,
Amm Sayed.
So, you haven't heard?
Wouldn't be asking if I have, Amm Sayed.
What is it?
The utility workers came by this morning.
They removed the old meters
and installed new ones.
Electronic ones,
the type that gets you paying.
We tried to find you.
Electronic meter? The one with the card?
That's the one. I've seen it all now.
That makes no sense.
These stuff are for fancy new cities.
Are you messing with me?
We, too, didn't believe it at first.
Till we saw them install the new ones
with our own eyes.
So I need to swipe a card
for water and power?
I dread the day
we'd need to swipe for love.
The day we'd pay for companionship,
for friendship and kinship,
all with a card swipe.
And the more you swipe,
the more you're loved.
As long as you pay the price.
Has life always been this hard?
Or did we make it so?
Sorry to disturb you.
Hope you didn't mind.
- Good night.
- Good night, Amm Sayed.
- Need anything?
- I'm good, thanks.
- Well, if you'll excuse me.
- Take care.
Go easy on the lights, Adila.
We don't want to max out those cards.
God Almighty.
Adila's been dead for 20 years, man.
I've seen more in life
than I ever bargained for.
Then bargain for your death.
For the love of God, Sherief.
We can't even shower without swiping!
Hey, lay off on the spending.
I lost a fortune on those two meters
we installed while you were away.
- Fine.
- Daddy.
I want that "rotorcycle"
you said you'd get me.
- That's enough of that, honey.
- God help me with you two!
You're getting too cheeky, young woman.
And why do we have to buy a months' worth
of groceries from this store?
Sherief, honey,
Hyper Market's got great deals.
It's so much cheaper the other markets.
These deals are a trap.
Back in the day, we'd snag a pound
of cheese from a local shop,
eat it with five bread loaves,
and wash everything down with an antacid.
Now, if we need laundry soap,
we have to buy a couple months' stock.
- Relax, will you?
- God help us.
- Good afternoon. Can you spare a minute?
- We're good.
- Not again!
- Yet again.
- Oh, you're being funny. He's being funny!
- Not at all.
Then again,
you can be funny at a supermarket.
So you're not the bus driver?
- I'm not.
- Or the Cable Bandit?
You mean the honest-to-God cable guy?
No, I'm afraid not.
It's you. You look the same.
- No, sir.
- Wafaa, he's the guy, right?
- What guy?
- The guy!
Never mind that,
because I'm about to make you
and your husband here,
an offer you can't refuse!
I said, we're good.
That's not for you to say.
I'm giving you a free raffle ticket
for the chance of winning a smart fridge!
Thanks, but no thanks. We're good, man.
Hey, mister.
You got a "rotorcycle" for me?
Next raffle's for a motorcycle.
You have my word.
Maybe learn your words.
Hey, you talk to me. I said, we're good.
Hold on, Sherief. How much is the ticket?
I told you, it's free.
You're a weird bunch, aren't you?
Sherief, just bend already.
- I do bend, and it's a pain in the ass.
- Could be different.
No different than a chick
bending for dough and getting a no-show.
- Who's that?
- That's a chick who...
Let's go, Wafaa.
And now, let's draw the winning ticket
for the lucky winner who'll be taking home
our Selfie Machine fridge!
Sherief, look! The raffle's legit.
It's a total scam.
I bet you the fridge is going straight
to the branch owner's son.
Let's just watch for a bit.
My legs are killing me. I want to go home.
- Daddy, please.
- I want to go home!
- Come on, Sherief.
- God damn you both.
And the lucky winner is...
Lucky number 13!
I repeat, the winner
is lucky number 13.
Congratulations to number
Daddy, what makes a thirteen?
Well, your mother left no brain in me,
but I think that's a one and a three.
- Is that it?
- Sure, that's...
- What's that?
- Oh, my God! It's 13!
Where'd you get this?
He gave it to me.
Said he'll get me a "rotorcycle".
Oh my God, Sherief. It's 13!
- Who's 13?
- We are!
- We're what?
- We're number 13!
I don't get it.
Last call.
Number 13, step up before I get too bored.
Are you kidding me?
- Step up, Sherief!
- It's me!
I'm number 13!
- Go ahead!
- It's me!
I'm number 13!
Make way for number 13!
- Don't make me skip to 14.
- It's me!
Where's number 13?
It's me. I'm number 13.
I thought you didn't want in.
I do now. Where's the fridge?
- So I don't look familiar?
- Not in the least.
- We haven't met before?
- Don't think so.
- Don't break my heart now.
- It was a mix-up.
- And what a mix-up.
- That's life for you. Where's the fridge?
Right here. We'll take care of some
paperwork and you can take it home.
I'm taking the fridge
and I'm not paying a single penny!
Don't make me call
the Consumer Protection Agency!
- Wafaa.
- Yes?
- Get the agency on the phone.
- Sure.
Who said anything about you paying?
What paperwork then?
It's only fair that you sign off
and confirm receipt now, isn't it?
Slow down, Sherief.
He's not wrong. Fair is fair.
Fair is fair.
Now download the Selfie Machine app.
- Done.
- Fire it up.
- And done.
- We're taking it home with us, right?
Yes, ma'am. It'll even beat you to it.
When your husband
downloads the app, that is.
It's done, but there's this long text
that ends with a check box.
"Accept" or "Do Not Accept".
So, which one will you tick?
What's it gonna be?
you've already accepted the fridge.
To accept. Come on, Sherief.
Check "Accept".
You know, sir?
ICQ and Hotmail were my first "accept",
and I've been accepting ever since.
- Where's the fridge?
- Coming right up. Sign here.
- Give me a pen.
- Don't need to. Sign with your finger.
- Which one?
- Don't push me.
Just use any finger, Sherief.
All right. Well, this is fun.
- There. Now where's the fridge?
- On the way.
We just need to go over some terms
and conditions before you get it.
I knew you'd be trying to scam us,
you charlatan.
Slow down, Sherief.
We'd like to hear your conditions.
One, in no way, shape or form
are you allowed to move the fridge.
We'll know if you do.
Really, now? How would you know?
She's a smart fridge, remember?
She's connected to our network.
We'll hear her go, "S to the O to the S!"
- Oh, yeah?
- "Check my GPS!"
So it's a she, and she's a cheerleader.
- Damn right.
- Fine.
I'll nail it to a wall.
You'll nail the smart fridge to a wall?
What if the power goes out?
In the case of a power outage,
the fridge is equipped
with a self-charging charger.
Yes, that's why I'm warning you.
Do not unplug the fridge,
and definitely do not break the thing.
Who would break his own stuff?
Well, you broke yours.
He was broken when I got him.
Really? Anyway,
here's the most critical condition.
You are not to sell the fridge
before the warranty expires.
Sure. That sounds easy enough.
What's the warranty period?
Twenty years.
Two long decades.
That's it? Great, no sweat.
I'll sign all the conditions.
Now where's the fridge?
- You already signed.
- Signed how?
- That's your finger, is it not?
- It is so.
So we're taking it home with us?
It's all yours.
Watch the fridge.
Don't scratch it with your nails.
Thanks, fellas. Good work.
Hey, Mom.
I put it in the living room
because the kitchen door's too narrow.
It lights up better than a hutch.
- What a beauty!
- You like it?
Congratulations, honey.
was it really free, or did the missus
join a susu without telling me?
No, I swear. We can't afford it anyway.
Do you even know how much it is?
It's 3,000 dollars. That's 55,000 EGP.
See what she just did?
She's hitting me with a Hamsa!
As if I'd ever envy you.
She didn't mean to, Mom.
She's just saying it's worth 55,000.
That wasn't her intention at all.
I don't care how much it's worth.
it's priced in dollars, Sherief.
It is, Israa. Got a problem with that?
- Tell you what, sweet Brother.
- Do tell.
Wouldn't this fridge make
a lovely addition to your sister's dowry?
Anything for you, Israa.
Never mind. We actually signed a contract
saying we'll keep it at home.
We even gave them the GPS location.
Contract, sure. If you say so.
You know what, Mom?
I'll get my fiance to buy me one.
Please, he's as broke as they get.
Hey, Sherief. The fridge can chill, right?
'Course it can. It's a fridge after all.
It's computerized, Mom.
You only have to go like this.
Fancy that! So I have to go like this
- to get it chilling?
- It's called a Touch ID.
- Touch?
- You bet.
So what if it's touchy-feely?
I only care that it chills.
It also goes online, Granny Kaydahum.
My, oh my! It goes online!
I swear, the women of my generation
were a different breed.
- How come?
- How come?
We had none of these appliances
you've got lying around.
We used to chill our water in pottery jars
and slurp it right up.
Not to mention laundry.
We'd soak it in the tub
and scrub-a-dub away.
Scrubbed the skin right off our hands.
Sorry, Auntie. The times have changed.
Ain't no breed like my Mama's.
A titan of her time.
It's a different world, Ma.
It's a different world, all right.
- Everyone just slings his tool and...
- Sorry,
- what tool?
- Those cell phones.
Thought so. You were saying?
You just order anything you want,
and it gets shipped over.
- What's wrong, Ma?
- I'm scared.
Of what?
Getting shipped off for my send-off.
I would never ship you off!
Of course not, Ma. How could I?
I'd rather inbox you and shift delete it.
God bless you
with many more years of life.
Let me go check out
that yellow sticker on my fridge.
I see you getting all cozy
with my fridge, mister.
- What do you think you're doing?
- Hooking it up.
I knew you were bad news. Shoot.
Look, it'll be up and running by midnight.
It's set to run at the stroke of 12.
Keep it closed till then.
Don't worry, sir.
It stays closed till midnight.
- Thanks a lot. Take care.
- What's this?
- A little something for you and the guys.
- We don't take tips.
Well, kudos to you.
Respectable companies
are a rarity these days.
You're not staying over, are you?
You need to send me
500 EGP through the app.
Why? What for?
- What's wrong, Sherief?
- 500 EGP? You wish!
Can you believe it? He wants 500.
- Didn't the guy say it's free shipping?
- Yes.
- Didn't he?
- He did!
There! What do you want 500 for?
- It is free shipping.
- Great, then what's the 500 for?
- Programming and installation, sir.
- I see.
You just won a 55K fridge.
What's an extra 500?
- He's got a point.
- Fair point, sure.
- Do you take cash?
- No, it has to be through the app.
Through the app, yes.
- Well, I don't have a visa.
- I do.
Goddamn it, woman.
I'm only saying it
so I don't use the visa.
Tuck it away. Forget it.
He already scanned it
with his pale peepers.
- They're a bright blue.
- You'll get there.
Oh, for the love of God, give it.
I am now in full working condition!
- Sherief!
- Welcome!
- Welcome!
- Sherief!
What? Will you let me sleep, woman?
I have work in the morning.
- Get up, there's a strange noise outside.
- Must be the phone.
No, I'm telling you.
Someone's talking in the living room.
Must be the TV.
I turned it off before getting in bed.
- You turned it off?
- Yes.
- Listen.
- Welcome!
I think it's a burglar.
He's welcoming us.
A burglar wouldn't be welcoming us.
- Unless we're in Burglar King.
- Sherief!
Do you think it's a ghost?
Let's not freak ourselves out, okay?
- I seek refuge in Allah.
- Go check it out.
- Okay, move. I'll get the door.
- No, you go first.
- You're blocking the way!
- Fine!
Where are you going?
To the bathroom. I'ma clean up
in case it's someone we know.
- Do we know any burglars?
- Good point.
I am now in full working condition!
I am now in full working condition!
Follow the steps
to get started and get chilling!
It was the fridge all along.
Oh, my God!
- It talks, Sherief!
- It does!
I'm not surprised.
It's computerized, after all.
But they should've said so.
Scared the hell out of us.
Follow the steps
to get started and get chilling!
All right.
- What are the steps, though?
- Beats me.
- So what are we supposed to do?
- Who am I to know?
But what are we gonna do?
- Lets check the manual.
- Right.
- Found it. I stashed it here.
- So?
- It's in English!
- Great.
When we first got engaged,
you said your English was excellent.
No, actually,
I said my French was excelente.
Well, that's one way to catfish.
So, what are we going to do now?
We can only ask Google.
At least, it won't lie.
- All right, I'll go ask Google.
- Wait.
I say we start with moving the food
from the old fridge to the new one.
- Agreed?
- Agreed.
- What's wrong?
- The door won't open.
You know what? I'm barging in.
- Don't be rude.
- Rude?
It's not like the chicken
won't be expecting me.
Just give it a minute.
Maybe it'll say something.
Do not open the door
before following the steps.
Open the front door, please.
Open the door, Sherief.
I'm doing it, Wafaa. Don't push me.
Open the front door, please.
Sherief, get the door!
I'm trying, all right?
- Not this door, the front door.
- Okay.
Good evening, sir.
Good evening. Are you lost, boy?
Not at all, sir. I'm Loai Al-Sayed,
from Selfie Market Group.
Selfie Market?
How dare you knock our door at this hour?
Shame on you! What do you want?
- I'm just here with your order.
- Order? We didn't order.
- Did you order, Wafaa?
- I didn't, I swear.
We didn't order, kid.
You've got the wrong place.
No, we never get it wrong.
Now if you calm down for a second.
Selfie Market is always right.
There you go.
It's all in here.
Your order, your picture.
Mr. Sherief Niasy Sherief.
Take a look, ma'am.
- When did you get this taken?
- I have no idea.
- It really is me.
- Sure.
- Where'd you get this picture?
- Huh?
Well, maybe you're a bunch of crooks
planning a heist with your thug friends
parked in a minivan somewhere.
- Wafaa, call for help!
- Hel...
Hold on, Mrs. Wafaa.
I'll explain everything, sir. Please.
- Explain.
- Yes, sir.
Mr. Sherief Niasy Sherief,
did you or did you not get a fridge today
at exactly 2:23 p.m.?
- I did.
- There you go.
But how do you know that?
Maybe you're a bunch of crooks planning
a little heist with your thug friends
parked in a minivan somewhere!
- Wafaa, call for help!
- Hel...
Stop, Wafaa. Just stop.
- Please, sir. Calm down.
- Sure.
- I'll explain everything.
- What's there to explain?
Your fridge, sir.
It orders everything online on its own.
Why so impressed? This guy's an idiot.
Or maybe you're a bunch of crooks
planning a heist with your thug friends!
- Wafaa, call for help!
- Help!
The guy doesn't pay for a charging card,
and you kill him?
I wasn't myself, sir.
And you know,
when it's your time, it's your time.
Good evening, sir.
Hello there.
Are you the family of the deceased?
Deceased? No, sir.
I'd like to file a complaint.
- I'll be with you in a sec. Go on, man.
- Sir, please.
This is a matter of utmost importance
and requires immediate attention.
Well, let's hear it. Who's the accused?
I said, who's the accused?
The fridge.
- What was that?
- The fridge.
- The fridge?
- Yes, sir.
Ain't that something?
- Ain't you something?
- Thank you, sir.
We got a special one.
- A real gem.
- Right back at you.
I mean,
we don't see someone like you every day.
- You're too kind.
- So, who's the accused?
- The fridge, sir.
- The fridge, yes.
- Tell me what happened.
- Can you believe it?
- Me and the missus were asleep.
- Yes.
- And suddenly, it's talking.
- Talking?
- And it harassed you both.
- Yes, sir.
How unbecoming of a fridge.
My heartfelt apologies to the missus.
- You don't have to apologize.
- I must!
- That's very big of you.
- Meddling between man and wife?
It's unacceptable.
Right? What happened exactly?
She ordered a delivery.
- Who did?
- The fridge.
- And she paid for it?
- No, she charged it to me.
- She set you up?
- Picture that.
Left you high and dry.
I wouldn't have denied her anything,
if she'd just asked.
- 'Course you wouldn't.
- No.
- You're one. And then what?
- Yes.
She called up the supermarket.
Ordered four pounds of cold cuts,
another four pounds of Swiss cheese,
and a pound of that other rotten cheese.
- And who ordered all of that?
- The fridge.
Cut the crap! What's your deal?
- Are you high?
- No, I swear.
Coming in at 2:00 a.m.
to file a complaint against a fridge?
What's next? Suing your washing machine?
Let's just go through all your stuff.
See who gets what.
I'd rather an uncontested divorce.
Cut the BS!
I don't need a stoner
on my case right now.
Sorry, I thought you were
my divorce lawyer for a second there.
Cut to the chase!
You didn't think that...
You thought I'm reporting the fridge.
- Good one.
- What are you on?
I'm clean, sir.
It's all a misunderstanding.
I'm reporting the guys
who sold me the fridge.
- Why didn't you say so?
- My bad.
You're reporting the guys
who sold you the fridge.
- Yes, sir.
- This I get.
- And who's that?
- I've got nothing to do with this.
I'm from Selfie Market.
- I'll deal with him, sir. He's going in.
- In what?
- The fridge.
- Get the hell out of here! Both of you!
Yes, sir. Right away, sir.
What a pain.
- He's such a hothead.
- God Almighty.
God Almighty.
Mr. Sherief, I have a word of advice.
- Sure.
- A nugget of wisdom.
Do yourself a favor
and just pay for the groceries.
- What if I don't?
- It's quite simple, very easy.
I'll take these bags back to the store
and send a request to my company.
The company you signed with on the app,
agreeing to a 3,000 dollar fine.
You'll be fined three grand, sir.
Mr. Sherief, you just won a 55K fridge,
what's an extra 3,400?
It's not even that much money.
Don't you know the prices out there?
Well, you don't know the pennies in here.
God help me!
Open up, Wafaa!
I'm coming.
Why are you always in such a hurry?
I'm at the door.
God Almighty!
Here you go.
All your fruits, meats, and cheeses.
What about all the food
in the other fridge?
Don't know, don't care.
Give them to my sister,
or my mom, or yours.
Better yet, pickle that shit.
What's a few more bucks to waste?
Put the groceries in the fridge, please.
I don't wanna hear it.
Do as it says.
- Put the fruits in their assigned drawer.
- Fine.
- Where are they?
- Give me the fruits.
- Here.
- Put the meats in the freezer compartment
- at the top.
- Give me the meat.
There you go.
- Keep them coming.
- Idiot.
I said, put the meat
in the freezer compartment at the top.
What's so funny?
The fridge just called me an idiot.
Just do as it says, please. For me?
- Fine. Do as it says.
- There you go.
Groceries loaded successfully.
- The fridge!
- The fridge!
Good evening!
You really are insufferable.
What do you want?
I'm here with your milk, cheese, and meat.
I didn't order a thing.
We didn't order, pal.
And there's still food in the fridge
from that last order five days ago.
Yes, sir, but you fail to see
that this is no ordinary fridge.
- It's Smart-Plus-Healthy.
- Say what?
What does that mean?
It means the fridge analyzes food quality
according to international standards.
It would never keep meat, cheese, fish,
or similar perishable foods
for more than five days,
to keep you at your healthiest.
Today's tab is only 650 EGP.
What's there to impress?
Don't fall for the crap
that idiot's saying.
You really are insufferable.
Listen, pal. I'm not paying a single dime.
And just so you know,
you're staying the night.
- Where?
- In the fridge.
- The fridge?
- You heard me.
- Say, Wafaa.
- What?
- Got any pastry?
- Why?
To keep him warm in there.
You know what?
I know just where to take him.
Wait till I have you in cuffs.
I'm bringing you down.
Mr. Sherief, you've kept me long enough.
Please, I might get the ax.
I'll drive that ax through your neck.
Serves you right for driving me insane.
But I know who'll do right by me.
The Consumer Protection Agency.
"C" to the "P" to the "A"!
First and foremost, it's called
the Consumed Protection Agency.
Not "consumer".
Consumed Protection Agency,
CPA, at your service.
Have we met?
It's always the same question.
Every time we meet, you ask if we've met.
Well, we haven't.
How come?
Aren't you that metro-guy,
beanie-guy, and cable-guy?
Don't forget the mall-guy.
- Right.
- That's not me.
- You're the one who sold me the fridge.
- It's not me.
If you're playing the game,
you can't ref it.
You seem to be confusing me
with Bakary Gassama.
Always a good sport.
- It is him.
- So?
- How can I help you?
- My complaint.
Indeed, I've received your complaint.
The one you raised against...
- Selfie Market and Selfie Machine, sir.
- What he said.
Actually, yours is not the first.
We get a lot of similar complaints
going "S to the O to the S".
Good Lord, there's more of us?
Look, Mr. Sherief, no?
- Yes, sir. Sherief Niasy Sherief.
- "Ni-ass-y"?
No, sir. It's more of a "Z" sound.
Got it. Why don't we just go with "Niazy"
so as not to be too "ass-y"?
- I don't mind.
- Better?
- Sherief Niazy Sherief.
- Yes.
- Much better.
- It's less confusing this way.
The thing is, you and, like I said,
many unfortunate others,
fail to see that everything
is now connected to the Internet.
The Internet of Things
is the Internet of everything.
It's all smart now, sir. Smart.
I'm not following.
All right.
You won a free fridge.
- Right.
- You signed a contract.
- Right.
- You accepted the terms on the app.
- Yes.
- Well, have no fear.
The CPA's got your rear.
We're here for you.
God bless you.
Before we get into it, Mr. Sherief,
may I ask that you pay this man?
He doesn't need to be here.
Thank you, sir.
Mr. Sherief, your total is 1,100 EGP.
I thought it was 650.
You've held me hostage for nine hours.
The system incurs a charge of 50 EGP
for each hour of delay.
Pay up, Mr. Sherief.
You just won a 55K fridge.
What's an extra 1,100?
Attaboy. Way to catch on.
You're one step closer to getting "smart".
Look, pal. I don't want that fridge.
I lead a modest life,
and that fridge will ruin it.
And that's me being "smart".
As you wish.
I'll take it back.
- Are you serious?
- Of course, I am.
You just need to pay the company
a return fee of 5,000 EGP.
Five grand?
Yes, and an extra thousand for winter aid.
Five grand in return fees,
and an extra thousand in winter aid?
For a total of 6,000?
Correct. The winter aid's for the freezer.
I'll get it a jacket!
Relax, Mr. Sherief.
Trust me, I'm doing you a huge favor.
All your fridge buddies
are either in jail or asylum.
Mr. Sherief,
from now on,
you need to keep your eyes wide open.
"Why?", you may ask.
Because it's the Age of Technology.
You're not ready for what's in iStore.
Before you dot that "i",
don't you mean "what's in store"?
That was yesterday.
Now with all the tech, the smart, the net,
there's no store without an "i".
- You're a loser.
- Come on, Ma. Why would you say that?
They say, "You win some, you lose some."
But, my son, my only son,
loses some, and then some, and then all.
Mom, please. Help me out here.
I need to get rid of that fridge.
Just lend me 6,000 and I'll pay you back
once I get the susu money.
It's not about the money, loser.
It's about you being
a perpetually losing loser.
I'm not a loser, Mom.
I'm an honest man who keeps to himself.
And I don't like to cut corners.
That's on me and your father.
We raised you right.
But an honest man who keeps to himself,
just like you said you are,
is considered a loser in this day and age.
your sister's wedding is next Thursday.
Congratulations. Did you tell her brother?
I actually forgot to...
Her brother? Then what does that make you?
A stand-up comedian.
- Oh, God.
- What is it?
- It's them.
- Who?
- They're here.
- Who's here?
Your sister and her fiance.
Well, what do we have here?
A soothsayer?
A fortune teller?
Where's your crystal bowl?
- Open up, you spineless cowards!
- Open the door, Sherief!
Well, there's a spine.
Thanks, Wael. You're too kind.
Now, what are you shouting for?
I'll shout all I want!
You're in for a real punishment!
Hey, Auntie.
- Hey yourself.
- Good day to you.
But I'm here to ruin it for all of you!
By God and his Prophet, calm down.
Tell me, what's wrong?
- Praise the Prophet.
- What is it?
- I want Vanilla Ice.
- You can't get her an ice cream cone?
You don't know what you're talking about.
- What's Vanilla Ice?
- Vanilla Ice, the rapper.
- The Ice Ice Baby?
- Yes.
- All right. And what do you want?
- I want to sing.
- Meaning?
- It's my wedding.
I get to pick up the mic and just...
That's enough.
You'll give your mother-in-law a migraine.
- I need to finish it.
- Don't push her.
- Shut up.
- She won't hold back on the name-calling.
She gets a free pass.
Good day to you, Auntie.
- And a shit day to you.
- Your girl here.
I'll give her the boot, I swear.
You're in our house.
If anyone's getting booted, it's you.
- Wake up, Wael.
- Sorry.
My nerves are all over the place.
Everybody gets cold feet!
You can't ruin the wedding
with your singing. It's her big day.
No more hers than mine.
It's my wedding day.
- All right. Just let it slide, Israa.
- Only 'cause you're asking.
- Let him sing.
- That's not the only problem.
What's next?
He wants to wear the wedding dress?
I wish. He wants to get a belly dancer.
- Right on! Let's get a belly dancer!
- Yay!
- I love belly dancers!
- Right, Ma? It'll be fun.
- Of course!
- I'm all for it.
- You're a real sweetheart.
- Sherief!
Actually, don't get a dancer.
It's expensive and sinful. Right, Ma?
- Lord forgive me.
- Let's go pray, Ma.
- Let's.
- Seriously?
- You can't just back out like that.
- Sorry, we're totally unreliable.
You're the one who sent me
that dancer's videos on WhatsApp...
Me? Sent videos?
Yes, videos.
Videos of morning and evening remembrance.
- He sent me videos.
- Yes, those "Blessed Friday" ones.
Indeed, he blessed my Friday.
Man, I have to get a belly dancer.
Look, Wael. I sin by watching, not paying.
Who said you're paying? I'm paying.
Okay, sure.
But here's the thing,
you pay the money, you pay the dues.
- It's all on me, man.
- Might as well get five dancers, then.
Three dancers center stage,
and one on each wing.
And another for Auntie. She loves them.
Let's hear it, folks.
This is bad! This is real bad!
What's wrong, Israa? Why the long face?
- Wael.
- You don't wanna ruin your big day.
It's Wael, Sherief.
- Who's Wael?
- Wa...
- What do you mean, who? My groom!
- Right. What about him?
He went after a belly dancer,
and I haven't seen him since.
- That bastard. He kept it from me.
- Yes.
- Sherief. Sherief!
- Yes? Yes!
- I want a divorce!
- Divorce?
This is marriage, not a field trip.
The real problems are yet to come.
I'm getting a divorce.
Cut it out.
And lighten up,
you're ruining your makeup.
We paid a fortune for it.
Your mother sold all her gold.
Come on, cheer up.
Don't worry,
I'll give him a good whopping.
Fine. If you don't end up simping
right next to him, that is.
Look who glowed up
Look who's boo'd up
Stop it, you're making me blush.
It sure was expensive, though.
I can see that, Mom.
Mom? I ought to maim you.
Don't call me that in public.
- All right, ma'am.
- Ma'am?
- Then, how do I call you?
- Shut up. Don't call for me.
- Leave me be, then.
- Where to?
- To see the belly dancer.
- Take a video for me.
You got it.
Hey, crybaby, why are you crying?
It's Wael, Mom.
Who's Wael?
Wael, where's the belly dancer?
- What belly dancer?
- I mean, what's keeping you so long?
Father's upset.
We can't have that, can we?
What's upsetting you, Uncle?
My son wants to disgrace me.
This is scandalous.
What's scandalous?
- This.
- I see.
You call that a belly dancer? What a sham.
I give you the next-generation 2021 model,
the best belly dancer in the Middle East.
I would've gotten you the 2022 model,
but I couldn't find it anywhere.
What you're seeing here
is a 4x4 powerhouse
with a rump-shaking speed of 420,000 rpm.
It's pricier than a Nissan Sunny,
and without the overprice.
God keep my wits about me.
What do you I say to the guys?
That I got the Facebook messenger
to dance at my son's wedding?
That's not on us.
Your son handpicked her from our app.
Well, iGive-up.
But, iAsked for a Russian belly dancer.
And iDelivered.
It's Russian, an original too.
There. It says "Made in Russia".
So, It was "made in a rush" too?
What is this nonsense?
A belly dancer
should be flesh, blood, and curves.
Where're the curves?
Let me remind you that you've yet to see
all her accessories and customizations.
They make a world of difference.
I say you take that piece of junk
to the scrapyard.
Let it perform there
with a couple stripper cars.
Good one.
- Very funny.
- I like it.
- He's fun when he's in a good mood.
- We just need to get him there.
As you wish. I'll take it.
- But you need to pay a penalty.
- A what?
A penalty.
I heard you, I'm just reacting.
What's the penalty?
Your son here accepted
all our terms and conditions.
What does that mean?
It means, let her dance
and keep your money.
Take it from me, she'll dry you out.
How would you know?
Did you get her for your wedding?
I got a fridge.
You got a fridge for a belly dancer?
My in-laws are crazy.
Check your dad, man.
I'm this close to losing my temper.
Get it together, Dad. Don't embarrass me
in front of my inept in-laws.
What was that, Wael?
I'm just saying...
- How does this thing work?
- Yeah, how does it work?
By the way,
he called you his inept in-laws.
Didn't catch that.
Anyway, let's not get sidetracked.
Sure. Before I crank her up,
we'll do a little survey
to explore her options.
Hope she doesn't get too cranky.
Sure. That's one way to see it.
All right. Do you want a 5'2?
A 5'5?
A 5'8? Or a 6'2?
What kind of measurements are these?
This is not the NBA.
What about a 5'2?
Yeah, a shorty. I like me a shawty.
- Fun-size, as they say.
- Exactly.
We'll take a 5'2.
Five feet two inches.
How much of a baddie do you want her to be
on a scale of ten to 100?
How about 60?
Are you kidding? Max her out.
We paid good money for this.
- Should I go for it?
- Go for 100.
We'll take a 100% certified baddie.
I'm popping my cherry tonight,
and I've popped some pills.
Sure, 100% certified baddie.
Let me tell you something.
Back in my day,
best I got was 28 caliber baddies.
Must've been a straight shooter.
Come on, people.
I had to skip the barber to afford Shiba.
Wrap it up, will you?
Shiko! Sherief!
Yes, honey.
I'm heading out with Kiddy,
we're running late!
All right. Ring me up when you get there,
I'm out of minutes.
Okay, honey. Bye!
Bye, sweetie!
Oh, for God's sake.
Just what I needed.
God! They just had to cut it off now,
didn't they?
Where can I find a bathroom around here?
Maybe the sidewalk caf?
There's a bathroom!
Where to?
Oh, God. Can't get rid of you, can I?
I said, where to?
Nature's calling.
Well, you can't pick up whenever.
Where's your membership card?
Membership card? For what?
For the company that bought the bathrooms
and turned them into top-notch facilities.
You need to download the app.
Look it up on your phone.
It's called Pee-Pee.
Membership, company, app.
What are you saying?
Just let me do my thing, man.
- Move.
- Not so fast.
Don't push me, I beg you.
I'm about to burst.
And what's this app you're talking about?
What company?
I don't get it.
Let me explain.
Welcome to the Pee-Pee app!
For Arabic, please press one.
Available now!
Take your dump without a care in the world
and in the most luxurious way.
For a standing sprinkle, press one.
For a seated symphony, press two.
For a wash-down with a blow-out,
press three.
Compliments of RR Company,
Release and Relief.
God, I'd kill for a release right now.
You know what? I feel bad for you.
Send me a 20 in phone credit,
and I'll let you unload via Bluetooth.
Never mind.
My download's complete.
I've never had a public download before,
but what are you gonna do?
- Come here.
- Who do you think you're talking to?
- I said, come here.
- What do you want?
I want food.
- Food?
- Yes.
- As in charity?
- Whatever you wanna call it.
What about that?
- What about it?
- What you got there?
A cell phone.
You've got a 6,000 EGP cell
and you're asking for charity?
Hold your horses. It's not a Nokia.
Six thousand? Is that the greatest number
you can count to?
This phone is worth at least 12,600 EGP.
You bastard.
You've got a phone worth 12,600?
And a fancy watch?
Ain't that something?
Maybe it's just a lucky charm.
I see you're bent on wasting my time.
Lend a hand or take a hike, pal.
Sure, I'll lend a hand
right across your face.
I'd have to work for three years
to get this fortune.
Just sell your stuff for food.
You, a beggar? A shahat?
More like Hussein El Shahat.
I don't want to be Hussein El Shahat.
They'd keep swapping me for Taher Mohamed.
- Taher Mohamed's also a beggar?
- No, they sub for each other.
So, they work shifts together?
How can you be so ignorant
about phones and football?
Get out of my face.
But know this, you'll be back.
"I'll be back."
Whatever, Exterminator.
Just how ignorant can you get?
- Beat it. I can do without the headache.
- Hey, watch yourself.
- Go!
- I'm going!
Greedy-ass beggar. Unbelievable.
It's the beggar.
Why is he a suggested friend?
This man refused to give me charity
and a truck ran him over
right in front of me.
Serves him right for being stingy.
Mr. Beggar.
- Don't.
- Forgive me. My bad.
You don't have to do that.
I owe your father a lot. We're good.
Sorry, really. It's a misunderstanding.
I got it all wrong.
Forgive me. I thought the phone was yours,
but you must've found it on the street.
- Forgive me, please!
- Stop it, man. We're good.
- No grudges?
- None.
- For the love of the Prophet.
- Praise to him.
Actually, I didn't find the phone.
I paid for it.
In cash.
Didn't even have to buy it on credit.
Everything you see here
is out of my own pocket, except the watch.
- I got it for Valentine's.
- That's hot.
- Who's hot?
- The watch.
Thought you were talking
about the babe who got me the watch.
- But you're a gentleman.
- Thanks.
This is not the only gift, by the way.
I got these socks for Halloween.
- Wow. They're scary good.
- Indeed they are.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to get back
to my calamity-ridden feed.
No, I beg you. Let it go.
I don't wanna be
on your calamity-ridden feed.
- Let me be.
- Please, I beg you. I'm sorry.
- I'm just browsing Facebook.
- Forgive me.
- How much do you want?
- Not much.
- Just a hundred.
- What? No!
That's too much, really.
I think so too. Now, if you just
let me get back to my Facebook...
- No! Please.
- Such calamity.
- Much disaster.
- No! No, please!
- It's baffling.
- I'll give you the hundred.
See? Here's 100 EGP.
- Here you go, sir.
- Thank you.
But may I know what I'm paying for?
Good question.
You have every right to ask.
- Let me put this away.
- Yes, please.
Here's the deal.
I'm taking 50 for charity,
and another 50 for this card.
So, this card's got 50 EGP
- in credit?
- No, smarty.
It's got 50 EGP in fees.
You top up the card,
charge your balance, and next time
you wanna pay charity, you do it online.
- Really?
- Really.
How wonderful.
So, does it come with an app?
Of course, it does.
It's called iBeg.
God in heavens.
- What?
- You tell me.
Right. Excuse me.
Here you go.
One round-trip, please.
- What are you saying?
- What are you hearing?
I said, I want a round-trip ticket.
What is going on?
I've seen a million of you so far.
Haven't we met?
No, we haven't.
Aren't you the bus jockey?
- What about the beggar?
- Me, a beggar?
- The wedding emcee?
- What are you talking about?
The guy who pimps belly dancers.
Enough said!
- How impudent!
- Impudent? What are you, 100 years old?
How dare you? Have you lost your mind?
Maybe I have.
I literally see you everywhere.
Well, get it over with.
Don't make me report you
for assaulting an employee on his shift.
You get it over with.
Give me my round-trip tickets. Here.
Tickets? That is so yesterday.
There's no such thing as tickets now.
It's called a pass.
Well, what are you nagging me for? I pass.
Funny. I mean, a bus pass.
This is a bus, and it's got a pass.
I see.
- And what's the name of the app?
- iRide.
- You ride what?
- Don't get cheeky.
It's the name of the app.
Hey, man, we all got the pass!
What's the fuss about?
- How much is the pass?
- Hold on, sir.
- Who told you to speak?
- Sorry.
- Who?
- I'm sorry!
- Excuse me, how much is the pass?
- Wanna chime in?
- There's this offer...
- Shut up!
Remember, your pass gets you
five stations and one sentence.
- Sorry.
- How much is it?
You're in luck.
They've got great promotions right now.
iRide-for-a-week, 50 EGP.
iRide-for-a-month, 150 EGP.
You'd be doing yourself a favor
if you buy our yearly plan.
For only 500 EGP, iRide-for-a-year.
Great. I'll ride for a year
and see how it goes.
There you go, cowboy.
You know, what? I don't have money on me.
Let's go with the weekly pass.
The yearly plan rules, I'm telling ya.
- I don't have money.
- I'm warning ya.
- I'm broke.
- I'm begging ya.
- Let's just go with the weekly plan.
- Fine.
So you want the 50 EGP plan?
- For a week-long ride.
- Got it.
- Please, hurry. My station's coming up.
- Yes, sir.
- Give me the 50.
- Are you sure we haven't met?
For God's sake, no!
Where would we even meet?
- Here you go.
- There you go.
I'll have to pay in change.
No problem. I trust you.
Don't forget to charge the card, Sherief.
Good morning, ma'am.
Hey, lady.
God in heavens.
That's quite the lady.
Where are your manners?
Barging in without so much as a word,
a knock, or even a cough?
What if I was butt-naked?
My apologies.
I hear you, girl.
Molokheya should be left uncovered, idiot.
You add the garlic,
then breathe it in like...
Hey, lady,
I need to recharge my ration card.
Mrs. Nehmedu is in the next room.
She'll renew it for you.
Now get lost before I...
- Good God.
- What?
You're the spitting image of him.
Like a carbon copy.
- Mahrous.
- Mahrous, who?
- My late ex-husband.
- Are you a widow or a divorce?
Both. He was six feet under
when he filed for divorce.
- What do you want?
- Have we met?
I don't think so,
but there's a first time for everything.
I have to go, Israa. I'm hooking up.
I didn't mean it like that. Mrs. Neamat...
- She's there or...
- Neamat, who?
What do you mean, who?
- Whoa, take it easy.
- We've met.
- Don't go all spooky on me.
- We've met for sure.
- Hey!
- Oh, dear!
- Tell me.
- What?
- Are you going to the village today?
- Sure, buddy.
Can I tag along?
Of course, Shiko. Shall we?
- Thanks.
- Let's go, buddy.
- I'll just clean up.
- Knock yourself out.
- And lock up.
- By the way,
- I got you your new payroll card.
- No, I'm not into that stuff.
I drop by the bank every month
to pick up my salary.
Well, kiss your little routine goodbye.
Everything's on the app,
and every app is on your phone.
- And what's the app called? iEarn?
- Bravo.
- How did you know? It is iEarn.
- Just a wild guess.
- Well, what do you know?
- All right, smarty.
So, we've got iEarn.
- iEat.
- Yup.
iRide and iTwerk.
- Mind if I come with?
- Sounds like a great app. Go for it.
App? I'm asking you if I can come with.
- Even you, Refaat?
- I'll take you there. Come on.
This car is insane.
Look at all those lights.
It's not a car, it's a space shuttle.
Too bad it doesn't come with an AC.
My seat is sizzling.
I think you've turned on the heater.
It's got a heater?
Well, where's the Jacuzzi?
- Congrats on the new car, Refaat.
- Thanks, Sherief.
If you weren't so stubborn,
you'd have an even better one.
Refaat, don't even start.
Two words, explosive diarrhea.
Need I say more?
Say less.
Good job getting out of traffic, though.
- It's nighttime already.
- I figured we'd better take a smart road.
- Smart, how?
- I'll explain later.
How long are you staying with your uncle?
I'll stay for the night,
and you can come pick me up tomorrow.
All right.
Sorry, it's a text.
These women just love you!
It's not what you think.
I've only got guys on this phone.
These men just love you!
- You've crossed a line. Check yourself.
- Sorry.
I know you're a slayer,
but that's a dragon you can't slay.
It was just a text saying
the road fee is now 80 EGP.
What does that mean?
Means you have to pay 80 EGP
to take this road.
Seriously? An 80, just to pass?
Why not? It's a smart road. Smart way.
- Even the roads are smart now.
- Absolutely.
Is there a card to the road too?
Of course.
There's a charging card and an app.
- An app?
- Hell yeah.
What's it called?
- iBypass.
- Is that right?
Damn right.
Well, now I've seen it all.
- Oh my God! What is this?
- What?
The heater turned into a masseuse.
No, no, no, no!
I failed to mention
that the car is smart too.
If you're worn out from work, the seat
automatically gives you a massage.
Oh, my God!
I have things going in my cracks!
No! Turn it down!
- Turn it down?
- Never mind.
Keep it as it is.
- Just go up a little.
- Up?
- So?
- Go down! Just a little bit!
Oh, dear!
- Now I know where to spend my holidays.
- My pleasure.
I can cancel my gym membership now.
No, no, no, no!
Oh, God!
We're so happy to have you here, Nephew.
Thanks, Uncle. You're too kind.
Don't be a stranger.
Next time, bring your wife and kid.
Next time, for sure.
I'll bring them over for a visit.
Oh, Uncle.
Being with you here, it's the only time
I get any peace of mind.
- Really, now?
- Really.
Don't call me out like that.
Well, in that case,
how about you stay here and I go to Cairo?
I wish.
I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat.
At least, I don't see that bastard here.
Why's Natalie all worked up?
You remarried, Uncle?
The ever serial spouse.
Natalie is a cow.
Keep it in the bedroom.
Don't name-call in front of us.
You have to respect her.
I live by that rule.
You idiot.
Natalie is that cow over there.
- Natalie? That's what you call her?
- Yes.
I like your choice of names.
Hey, boy! Have you not milked her today?
Maybe we need to charge the card.
So, why didn't you?
Please, Father. I'll charge it, I swear.
Well, in that case,
why didn't you tend to her?
- You'll run the card dry, Father.
- Calm down, Uncle.
Your blood sugar will spike.
- Do cows need charging now?
- Are you living under a rock, Son?
What the hell?
I can't speak two words with anyone
without them saying that.
This is the smart cow card.
Every cow, buffalo, and goat,
needs a card and an app.
- A what?
- An app.
App this, app that.
And what's it called?
- iMilk.
- iMilk.
Will you get this through your head?
I explained it a million times.
- I need sleep.
- We'll sleep in a bit.
- I need to food.
- Is it sleep or food?
Why do your needs
only creep up when we're studying?
Sherief! Sherief!
I'm coming.
What is it, honey?
- I want money for the tutors.
- No problem.
But why does my kid need tutoring
when she's only in second grade?
For the love of God!
So, this is how it's gonna be?
Well, what do you plan on doing
when I'm in senior year,
taking exams on the school tablet?
I don't know, honey. Maybe I'll drop dead.
Anyway, your wishes are my command,
Commander. Wish away.
- Where's the "rotorcycle"?
- I'm talking about your tutor.
Speaking of which.
When's the tutor coming?
More importantly, when's he going?
What tutor comes and goes these days?
You must be living under a rock.
Wafaa, I'm asking you nicely!
Don't talk to me about no rocks!
No one's coming.
She does her tutoring online.
- On what?
- Online.
What does that mean?
Means you buy a card,
charge it up, create an ID,
and select whichever tutor you want.
Well, I'll be damned!
And what's the app called? iLearn?
No, it's iCheat.
Well, I'll be hanged!
Why do you sound like a convict?
I'll show you a real convict.
- Run!
- Where do you think I get money?
Where do you think I get my money from,
you bloodsucking brutes?
God Almighty!
Lord help us.
- My condolences, Emad.
- Thank you.
- Forgive me, I should've come sooner.
- Not at all.
Tell me, how did he go?
As one does.
He got a card and cashed in his chips.
- Good God!
- That's not the point.
The card wouldn't charge,
so he called customer support.
They were like, "Yo, Amm Sayed!"
- You know how popular my Dad was.
- Sure.
- He was a total sweetheart.
- Yes.
- They asked for his ID.
- 'Course.
- He got his ID, read the number.
- Bet.
And they were like, "Please hold
while we verify your details."
As much as I'm enjoying this,
these folks need to pay their respects.
Come on, they can wait.
So, the hold music was this trendy track.
- Yeah.
- And you know how Dad hates these trends.
Yes, it doesn't take much to rile him up.
Besides, Amm Katakito liked the oldies.
- I mean, Amm Sayed.
- Died without a virtual penny to his name!
- Stay strong, Emad.
- The credit went poof!
Life's a bitch.
You need anything? I'll take off.
- I have a small favor to ask.
- Of course, you're my bro.
Thank you, really.
- These folks need to pay their respects.
- Just a sec. Here.
It's the reciter card.
I'm streaming Quran from my phone.
I want to keep it that way,
'cause of that other thing with Facebook.
- Can you call the Sheikh from your phone?
- I can't make out his name.
- Spicy.
- Spicy?
- Spicy Salama.
- Salama, I get. But, spicy much?
I've never seen a QR code in the flesh.
Son of a...
- Hello.
- Hello, there.
If it isn't the smooth operator!
- You left me stranded on the bus.
- What's your deal?
What's your deal?
You spicy, slippery son of a swindler.
What do you want from me, man?
Good God.
Did PTSD mess with your head?
Is this you grieving?
No, this is me steaming.
- Are you a relative of the deceased?
- No.
- A son, perhaps?
- No.
- A daughter?
- No.
Are you the deceased?
To be.
I'm the deceased to be,
by the looks of it.
I'll keep you in my thoughts.
And don't forget to subscribe.
Hell no.
We need a reciter, not a YouTuber.
Will you shut your trap and just follow?
Well, where's the robe and kufi?
Hey. Where's your gear?
God, give me patience.
Where's the reciter, man?
- Will you stop nagging me?
- Nagging you?
It's a funeral! We need
a reciter before we lose the audience.
- Well, you need to select him first.
- Just get me a reciter.
How about Sheikh Al-Minshawi?
- It's him!
- 'Course, it's him. What'd you expect?
Perhaps you prefer Sheikh Al-Hussari?
- It's him!
- The one and only.
Or maybe Sheikh Abdul Basit Abd us-Samad.
- It's him!
- Cut the playback, and get it over with.
I'm just a little overwhelmed.
I was also thinking...
Don't even think about getting
Sheikh Al-Sudais or Al-Mashari.
Gulf Sheikhs are in dollars or riyals.
You can't afford them.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
You must be living under a rock.
There it is!
I've heard this joke way too often.
And from a single person.
- Ain't you him?
- No.
- Ain't he you?
- No.
Then, I ain't me.
- This is a funeral!
- Right.
Look, sir. Here's the deal.
I've got an exclusive offer for you.
Hologram Reciters.
Hologram? Well, don't "holo" us in grams.
Lay on the kilos.
If you're gonna do a good deed,
make it count.
What grams and kilos?
I'm telling you the reciter of your choice
will be right here in 3D.
- In three "dementias", you mean.
- Dementias?
It's "three dimensions", 3D.
Talking about holograms,
when you don't even know 3D.
- Obviously, there's an app.
- Obviously.
The app is iRecite.
- Now, select the reciter already.
- Well, in that case, I choose...
Stay strong, Emad.
I want Sheikh Al-Minshawi.
- Who's the chap?
- The son of the deceased.
He's having an emcee moment.
Well, where's the beat?
This is a funeral!
- Take your pick, Son.
- Al-Minshawi.
All right. Sheikh Al-Minshawi.
Don't mind him. Play Abdul Basit.
Say, who's the stallion?
- We're cousins.
- Cousins? You two?
A stalwart stallion and a scrawny rat?
- It's not impossible.
- How so?
- Mother nature is frisky.
- In that case,
it's your call.
You're the son of the deceased Katakito.
His own flesh and blood.
Take your pick, Katakito Jr.
I pick Sheikh Al-Minshawi.
And I pick Sheikh Abdul Basit!
- I have them both.
- Let me handle it.
- What's your deal, man?
- What?
You haven't met your match yet?
Yeah, and I'd beat you to a pulp too.
Well, what if I told you
Katakito Jr. here will have his way?
Like it or not.
And that's final.
He thinks we'll be intimidated
by that Amir guy.
It's not like he's Amir Karara.
This is a funeral. Your father's, no less.
- It's a good one, though.
- Save the laughs for later.
Well, if you'll excuse me, Amir.
I'll leave you, gentlemen, to it.
Don't get your hands dirty, good boy.
Leave them to me.
Are you with me?
- God be with you.
- Emad.
Katakito was right in saying
you'll never be a man.
Come on, man. Please.
My head.
I don't understand,
why did you get mixed up in that mess?
Which mess exactly?
My whole life's a mess at this point.
I see him everywhere.
It's always the same one dude.
Maybe I'm haunted by a spirit.
That's it, I must be possessed.
I'll get an iDemon card
first thing in the morning.
That ought to do it.
- Maybe you should exorcise.
- I don't need to lose weight.
No, I can't buy into this voodoo stuff.
I should probably see a therapist.
You know? Better late than never.
What's that supposed to mean?
Don't get smart with me.
I'm kidding.
- Can't you take a joke?
- Can't you tell a joke?
You know I love how crazy you are.
- I'm serious, Wafaa.
- Tell me what's bothering you.
Remember that guy from the metro?
- Yes.
- He's the guy from the wedding.
And the guy from the funeral.
And the guy
from the Consumer Protection Agency.
I even saw him on the bus.
- Looks like you've only gotten worse.
- Much worse.
Was the blow to your heard that bad?
Hey, you should take the antibiotic
and sleep it off.
Sleep? How could I?
I can't believe Kiddy's finally tucked in.
It's been almost a year.
A full year
since we last had a romantic night.
A beautiful night like this one.
Stop it, Sherief!
Your head is busted.
But the rest of my body is as good as new.
Sherief, stop it! What are you doing?
Your girl's like a fox in the night.
She sleeps with one eye open.
Look, I'll do the dishes
and crash next to Kiddy when I'm done.
You sleep here,
I don't want to disturb you.
All right, sleep tight.
God damn you both.
Sleep tight, she says.
God help me.
Might as well check on those dishes.
Dear valued customer,
if you want to access
this lovely romantic dream,
get your iDream subscription now.
And hit the snooze button.
Bring all your dreams to life
with our iDream-iDrool feature.
Whether they're comedies,
thrillers, or nightmares.
Order a nightmare
and get two free dreams of your choice.
And because you're a premium customer,
you can enjoy our ad-free experience.
Remember, we make your dreams come true.
An app, no. No!
- Sherief.
- The dream...
What is it, honey? What's wrong?
Calm down.
Even dreams are limited-access now, Wafaa.
- It's okay. Go back to sleep.
- They restricted our dreams.
They restricted our dreams, Wafaa.
Get your charging card for 20 EGP!
Get your card for 50 EGP!
Water cards, gas cards!
Who wants a charging card? Come and see!
We've got charging cards!
- Who wants a charging card?
- If you don't top up my minutes,
I'll mess you up, I swear.
- Better yet, I'll block you.
- Hey, Dad.
- What do you want?
- Credit to download a game.
And I want credit to download a new app.
Ask your mother, then.
- Have you seen this TikTok?
- So cool.
Hold on, I'll go live.
I'm going live to show you guys
my cool haircut.
It's high time we met, don't you think?
Where am I?
How did I get here?
Hello, Sherief.
How are you, buddy?
What do you want from me?
Maybe you want something from me.
I want to get out of here.
Well, that's a shame.
You can't move unless I say you move.
I want to go home.
That won't do.
You're my guest.
Don't make me report you.
I can get you locked up.
Report me to whom?
Take your pick.
You'll find me everywhere.
Who are you?
Look at you, all grown up.
Don't tell me you forgot
that I'm the one who raised you.
- I don't know you.
- But I know you.
The first-ever Playboy you saw
with your buddies back in middle school.
I printed that.
For free.
As a service to the students.
Didn't charge a penny for it.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Don't be so ominous.
Go to hell.
Your first-ever Atari as a kid.
I got you that.
The first-ever adult film
you watched behind your father's back.
I made that for you.
Your first-ever cell phone.
Your first-ever mobile game.
It was Snake, remember?
That snake that keeps getting longer
only to end up eating its own tail.
You made that?
If you look closely,
you can see that I'm the snake.
I've got all your intimacies
on tape, Shiko.
- That's how your wife calls you, right?
- How did you know that?
What do you mean, how?
Use your common sense.
I said,
I've got all your intimacies on tape.
I even know that you and the missus
haven't been intimate in a full year.
- Am I right?
- Who are you?
I'm your near and distant future.
I'm your virtual reality.
I already hold the rest of the world
in my hand, and now it's your turn.
You have to be just like the others.
I'm your virtual intelligence.
Your password.
I don't understand.
You will. Trust me.
I want to go home.
Let me go!
Don't worry, sir.
Trust me.
I know what I'm talking about.
He's ready.
He's so ready.
Take care.
Shiko, buddy.
What's up with you?
You look like a total mess.
I'm not the same Sherief.
I'm lost.
And I'm tired.
You're making it hard for yourself.
It'll be easier if you let me in.
I'll take you from rags to riches.
Where's that compliance certificate
you wanted me to sign?
No way.
I can't believe what I'm hearing.
Get it. Get the certificate.
You took your sweet time.
Well, what do you know?
Just so you know.
It's not just one certificate.
There's a lot where that came from.
There's a lot to win.
For each certificate you sign,
you get 50,000 EGP.
Fifty thousand.
Go on.
Sign it. Go ahead, Sherief.
Come on, buddy.
There you go.
Right on.
Nicely done.
My, oh my.
Nice. Looking sharp.
Hello? Hey, baby.
You're my baby, baby.
Well, you're in a good mood.
I'm sorry. I know I haven't been
the most caring wife lately.
I wanna go back to the way things were.
You know, I left Kiddy at my mom's.
I did. I'm home alone, waiting for you.
Don't keep me waiting too long, honey.
How could I?
I've waited one full year
and two months for this day.
I'm coming, hot stuff. See you later.
Oh, mama!
I do be longing, I do be yearning.
Mamma mia!
Why the suspense?
How come the door's locked?
Open up, woman!
What's that?
Apologies, dear husband.
You cannot touch me
without buying the marital card
from the Oppressed Women Foundation.
Put the card in the device,
and download our app, i.
your limited-access wife, Wafaa.
Subtitle translation by:
Noura Al Kedawy