Cheerleader Chainsaw Chicks (2018) Movie Script

- Hey, this
is Sandy Shore, KEWL,
right in the middle of
a flashbang '80s weekend
with that monster hit,
You Make Me Come Alive.
- Oh, my mom
loves this song.
- Turn it up.
- Wow, we should
stop at the beach.
- You have to
go tan at the beach.
I bet we could find
some cute surfer boys.
- Surfers, what
water does to hair.
What are you doing
after graduation?
- My dad said so
many Baby Boomers are dying,
I should get into health care.
He says it's a real
growth industry.
I just don't wanna touch
old people that much.
I wanna work with animals.
- I just wanna
get away for a while.
Always wanted to go to London.
Oh by the way, Kyle was talking
about this cute cheerleader,
how hot she is, and
then he said your name.
- Wow, he's cute.
- I heard he's
kind of a player.
- What do you mean?
- Beverly told
Angel that he did it with
that redheaded chick Tanya
and then two days later
he did it with her best friend.
But you can't believe
everything you hear.
- People love to talk
about people behind their backs.
- Yeah.
I love driving down
Sunset Boulevard.
This is where all the
L.A. bands got famous.
The Whiskey a Go
Go, the Viper Room.
That's where River Phoenix died.
- Who's River Phoenix?
- I love the
monster on the building.
- Hollywood,
there's so many people.
- You're lucky,
my dad says he always
finds people with nowhere to
go and all day to get there.
- Have you ever been
to the Chinese theater?
Very cool.
- Capital
Records building, they
do downloads there.
I think I'm gonna
jump and shout
- How much longer?
It feels like we've
been driving for hours.
- This traffic is
unbelievable, look at that.
- What's it
called again, Camp Cheer?
I googled it.
Can you believe they
don't even have a website?
- No website,
I don't trust
a place without a website.
- Oh chill, my mom
called and talked to somebody.
- I just hope there's at
least one cute guy there.
You make me, you make me,
you make me come alive
Oh you make me, you
make me come alive
You make me, make me, make
me, you make me come alive
Oh baby, oh you make me
You make me come alive
You make me, you make me,
you make me come alive
- Hey!
- Hey, welcome to Camp Cheer.
- Hi, we're here to register.
- Well you don't want
to give that to me.
What you're gonna
wanna do is you
want to give that to the people
in the office in Double D.
It's right down this way.
Can't find them, go the
the bungalow Triple D,
it's just after it.
- God this place is far our.
How come there's
no service here?
- Oh reception's terrible here.
You want reception,
you're gonna have to go
to the top of the
mountain, or maybe you can
try one of the top of the
roofs in the back lot.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
Oh, too slow
Drop it low
Drop it low
Too slow
Oh drop it low
Too slow
- This
doesn't look like any
cheer camp I've ever been to.
- Yeah it's
kind of creepy.
To the floor
- Morning ladies.
Just one second.
Hello, my name is Axel, I
am the camp manager here.
- Pamela.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi, I'm Andrea.
- Nice to meet you.
- Michelle.
- Nice to meet you Michelle.
- And this is Theo.
- How are you doing
Mr. Theo, hey buddy.
I'll get y'all
checked in and moving
so we can get y'all
having some fun.
Okay, let's see.
Yes, Pamela, okay.
It's Andrea, okay.
And Ms. Michelle,
and little Mr. Theo.
He's not on the list
but that's okay.
All right so we got that.
I'll go ahead, here you go.
- This place is pretty creepy.
- Yeah, it's pretty creepy huh?
- Hey, I been working
really hard on this place.
Gee whiz, I can't believe
this place is actually,
they used to make
horror films here.
It's pretty cool if you get
a chance to walk around,
there's a lot of
stuff to look at.
- My phone's not working.
- Well unfortunately,
the reception out here
is about as consistent
as a California rain.
Back to the schedule,
and the flyer for our
80s dance party.
It's gonna be a good
time, a lot of fun.
- Where are we staying?
- Oh that's right, I'm
sorry I completely forgot.
You ladies are in, building two.
Okay, what you want
to do is you want
to go down the stairs
that you came up,
you're gonna hang a
right, and then go
just a little bit that
way, and you can't
miss the building, it'll
be just on your right okay.
Oh hey, and if you
guys get a chance,
check out the sun deck.
I put a lot of work in it
and it looks pretty nice.
- Thank you.
- Have fun ladies,
have a good time girls.
- Bye.
- Hey, did you check
out that kumquat tree?
- Yeah I did earlier,
it's a little
weird with the skin and all.
- Oh yeah, we don't have
these kind of
fruit growing from.
- I'm sure your country had
much better fruit than kumquat.
- Oh yeah.
- Hi, is
this your truck?
- Yes it is.
- Hey, it's yellow, high up.
- I like sitting up high.
I can see everything coming.
Reminds me of driving a
combine back on the farm.
- You grew up on a farm?
- Yes ma'am.
Tell you what,
those were the days.
Horses, bonfires,
swimming in ponds.
Oh don't worry, it's not
loaded, it's just a pellet gun.
Now you have to
respect your weapons
but they for shooting
varmints around here.
You know like
rattlesnakes and rats,
rabid squirrels,
I'll never get that week back.
- I mean is
there anything else
we can be afraid of,
we are pretty tough.
- Well I'm sure you
girls are, but this
place actually offers a self
defense course once a month,
maybe you can learn
a thing or two.
- Well I have my brothers, we're
always throwing each
other around, so.
Plus I'm pretty fast,
we are a cheerleader
and all so, strong,
fast, and twisty.
- Yeah that's right, damn maybe
I can learn a thing or two.
Now I'll tell you what,
I need some backup,
I'll come to you girls first.
- Oh have fun with that.
- Oh I will.
Oh hey, watching some
movies in the theater
later, if you want, come on by.
- Okay, I'll tell
Pamela and Andrea.
- Hey
dude how's it going?
- You know it.
I thought I said
it so many times
I have to tell you
I love you girls
But I find that
you are not around
- I like this room.
Hey, Michelle.
- What?
- What song you listening to?
- I Wanna Talk To You.
- I like that song.
- Hey.
- Where did you disappear to?
- Oh I just went to the car.
- Come
on let's do this.
I was just messing.
Oh I love this song.
- I'm getting hungry,
I wonder if there's
anything I can eat on the menu?
- You're not gonna do that
vegetarian thing again are you?
- Nothing with a face.
I can't eat anything
with a face.
I mean I think everyone
should eat like that.
- Agree to disagree.
You know, I like this
room better than mine.
How come I don't have
a fridge in my room?
- Well you have a big bathtub,
this just has a shower.
Every day all
the things I been
- Where'd you get that yo-yo?
- It was on the
counter, you want it?
- No, I was just wondering.
Oh yeah here it is.
- Find what you're looking for?
- Yeah, just I thought, I
knew I brought it, but ...
So what are we doing?
- Well I was gonna
take Theo for a walk
and then I'll be ready
for wherever we're going.
- Let me take Theo for a walk.
Your nails need some work.
- I guess you're right, thanks.
- Is that a chainsaw?
- Yeah, isn't that weird.
My room has one too.
- That is weird.
Hey I heard Axel's playing
movies in the theater all day.
- Oh yeah I just
saw Axel outside.
He said we're welcome anytime.
Oh and he said that reception
gets better later in the day.
- Okay, well I'm just
gonna finish up my nails
and then I'll be good to go.
And don't let Theo eat
anything weird off the floor.
- Okay, after I take Theo
I'm gonna take a nap.
- What do they do in
emergencies around here?
All right I'll see
you guys later.
If I don't put on more
sunscreen I'm gonna fry.
- Oh my gosh can I get one bar?
Okay Theo, come on let's go.
Come on Theo, let's just go.
- Hey look, it's a kumquat tree.
- Kumquat, what's a kumquat?
You're making that up.
- No I'm serious, look
you eat 'em skin and all.
See skin and all.
- You girls
like these things?
- Yeah, they're okay.
- I was told they tasted
kind of
wrong, to be eaten skin and all.
- So is your name
really Axel Johnson?
- Well that's an
interesting question.
My name's actually Axel
Johnson, the fourth.
See you got, my great
granddaddy, my granddaddy,
my Pa, and of course me.
It's real confusing
at family gatherings.
- Yeah must be.
- Hey maybe you
girls can help me.
You look like the friendly type.
There's a girl here
from Yugoslavia or
something like that,
and I think she's gonna end
up being alone 'cause the rest
of her squad got detained
coming through customs.
- Oh no.
- Well I was wondering if
maybe y'all could welcome her
and just show her around
the camp a little bit.
It'll be a lot of help to me.
- Sure.
- Okay.
- Hey thanks.
Now back to work on my office.
- Hey ladies.
- Hi.
- I see you ladies
like kumquats as well.
- Yeah.
- They're okay.
- I'm Joseph by the way.
- Michelle.
- Andrea.
- I'm Johnny, he's Jacob.
[speaking foreign language]
- What'd you say?
- Oh he needs to
eat it skin and all.
- Yes, skin and all.
- We're promoters here.
We run an office out back.
- Yeah, I think we're gonna
have a tough nut to crack.
- What's in the red bag?
- Oh it's the first aide kit.
- I have a feeling we're
going to need it later.
- Oh.
- Okay, see
you at the party later.
- Bye.
- Maybe we should go check
on Pamela, see if she's okay.
- Yeah and then we can
work on our tumbling.
- Yeah.
Let's go check out
the competition,
just leave Theo here.
- Are you sure?
- He's fine.
- Bye Theo.
- Where's
the light switch?
- It's gotta be here.
- I can't find it.
- Dude you're
stepping on my feet, stop it.
- These cheerleaders
are supposed to be really good.
- And different,
Ms. Jackson says
they're the ones to beat.
- Yeah, we'll see.
- Hi.
- What?
- Basic.
- We just wanted to
come by and say hi, bye.
Oh my god are they for real?
- Are they serious?
- What was that?
- Lame.
- Let's get out of here,
we're going to high school.
- Let's go.
- So how
far is this place?
- They said
about 15 minutes.
- Look at this traffic.
I can't believe how crowded
the roads are way out here.
- Look at that waterfall.
- This must be the place.
- What time
did the falcon cheer
squad say they
were getting here?
- I thought they
said two, but I was texting.
Maybe four.
- What time is it?
- Two.
- Let's just wait
a few more minutes.
- That was a
total waste of time.
- What now?
- Let's drive by
the lake on the way back.
- I think
it's coming up,
the next exit, take this exit.
Oh, too slow
Drop it low
Drop it low
Too slow
[speaking foreign language]
- Hey Lana, are you okay?
- Hey we don't even
have any reception here.
- Oh yeah I
can't get any either.
- Bye.
[speaking foreign language]
- We have our first contestant,
her name is Lisette.
Come on out Lisette.
- Yeah Lisette.
- Here's lovely Lisette.
When you're not
being a librarian,
what do you like to
do in your spare time?
- I like to let my
hair down and find
a man to rub hot oil
all over my back.
- I told you this
was gonna be fun.
- And she is visiting
us from out of town today.
- Wearing
my favorite color.
- Tell what it is you like to do
up in Vancouver in
your spare time?
- I like to get wet and wild.
- Me too.
- Thank you Tana, and
here we have Mandy.
So tell me Mandy, are
you still bull riding?
- Yes but I do love
bareback riding now.
- Thank you Mandy.
- Hi girls.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Have a seat.
- Tell us Christie,
when you're not being
a professional
wrestler, what are
you doing with your spare time?
- Well I practice
my mud wrestling pretty
consistently, but that's
it, stay in practice.
- So you have your own
movie theater, must be nice.
- This one
is Bikini Witness.
- Is that
important to you?
- No.
- Is this important
to you mother?
- Run for your life.
Look, can't breathe.
Right in the face.
- Hurry up guy, we got
to get this body out of sight.
- This is my favorite part.
Let me get something
out the freezer.
Come on, grab a seat.
Let me show you some
of my favorite scenes.
- Hey this, this is gonna
lead to me very shortly.
- Good show, my brother as--
- Is my hair perfect for this?
- You getting this?
- Hey, your hair's perfect
there dude, it's perfect.
- Live from Hollywood.
- Live!
- Live.
- Live!
- Live on the Sunset Strip.
Well my advice to you is to let
the Steamrollers rock mother--
- That guy was
in the Untouchables.
- This is so cool, your
own private theater.
- And this next one,
is Mirror Mirror 2: Raven.
I've seen that bird before.
This is where I go to church.
- Isn't
that Mark Ruffalo?
- It is.
This was his first leading
role in a feature film.
That reminds me of my dad.
Watch your fingers.
Hey cover your eyes.
Girls cover your eyes.
I tried telling you.
That bird's back.
And it's gone.
I even hear the hand is
still around here somewhere.
- No way.
Oh my god.
- Axel!
- I'm sorry I couldn't
resist myself.
I do it to everybody.
I mean if you girls
have some time
we can see a few more things.
This classic 80s, Harmony.
- Jimmy.
Harmony, harmony
I felt it when
she looked at me
Oh harmony, harmony
It sounded oh so sweet to me
When she called my name
It was so sweet
and looked so dear
I felt summer's rain
I would just
feel this harmony
Harmony, harmony
My book's all
that I could see
Oh harmony, harmony
Heard it calling out for me
When she laugh loud
I felt her hips,
I held her tight
When we found sound
I closed my eyes
and listened
When she calls my name
I held her close
with all my might
And our hearts were a flame
Close your eyes and
listen to this harmony
And the sun was shining
bright, oh so bright yeah
Harmony, harmony
I heard it when
she looked at me
Oh harmony, harmony
It sounded oh so sweet to me
Oh harmony, harmony
That was all
that I could see
Oh harmony, harmony
I heard it calling
out to, out to me
Heard it calling,
calling out to me
Harmo, harmo, harmo, harmony
Heard it calling,
calling harmony
Harmo, harmo, harmo, harmony
- See that girl right there?
- Oh Jimmy.
- Her name's Virginia.
She went on to become an
award winning film producer.
That guy, singing and playing
the keyboards, that
guy right there.
- Mm-hmm.
- Jimmy Lifton, he
stopped being a rock star
to become a director/producer.
And he actually
directed that movie
Mirror, Mirror 2 that
I just showed you.
- So how do
you know all this?
- I told you he used
to make movies here.
This is the first Western
they did, the Gunman.
- Oh really.
- I've been trying
to raise Wyatt, no answer.
I think something's wrong.
- Gunther, here.
- Ah, that's a good move.
See if you recognize anything.
And again.
- Oh my god, those are
the stairs from outside.
- It is.
- I thought I said the saloon.
- Yeah well, caught
this guy trying to run.
- That guy in the black,
he looks just like you.
- So, I brought him here.
- Yeah.
- Put him in with our
little dictator friend.
- Not that much.
- Is that you?
- Bam.
- Bam!
- Cody, are you an imbecile?
That wasn't part of the plan.
- What's the problem?
He ran, I shot him,
end of story Salazar.
- Really, well now it's
your turn to run, run.
- Is that you?
- This one's called Blindsider.
That last one, was
called the Gunman.
And you guessed it, those
two were made right here.
Shake a leg, shake a leg
Two dark eyes mesmerized
Sweep me off my feet
- Oh my god.
- That is you.
- That is you Axel.
Is that you?
- I don't know
what do you think?
- Freeze!
- What an interesting
place to find a knife.
That guys just sitting there.
- I got
the gold back here.
- It's all mine.
- Take it slow Mr. Money.
- That is you.
- That is you Axel.
Is that you?
- No, close, that's my uncle.
Handsome devil.
My uncle played the biggest
asshole in this movie.
I mean he's not
actually a bad guy,
but I mean he plays it,
he plays one really good.
Actually he gets most of
those roles anyways, so.
I hope you like gangster movies.
- Don't make me wait next time.
- You packing?
- So you know all those people?
- Yeah, I've met Jimmy
and Virginia a lot of times.
- Is your uncle still acting?
- Yeah he's been making
films for quite a while.
He's in quite a
few here actually.
Where my popcorn go?
- You should be an actor.
- You know
you're not the only
one that's told me that.
- Like can you
talk without that accent?
- What accent?
- Never mind.
- I couldn't have got Gino, you
want this stuff now here it is.
- Our deal was for 12,
I only see five.
- What's the name
of this one called?
- Do you have a
problem with counting?
- Timepiece.
- No.
- Don't talk to
my man like that.
I'll rip your tiny little
off and slap you with it.
You calzone.
- Today is not
your day my friend.
Today is my day!
My time, my turf, and
your funeral, bye.
- No!
- Ooh.
This is a good one,
Mirror, Mirror III.
I bet you might recognize him.
That's Billy Drago.
- Oh does my nightmares ever
end and so does my career?
So does your art.
- That's man's a legend.
- Good because it
looks like shit Joey!
- I met him,
even hung out with him.
- I could stay here all night.
- Can we do this again?
- Sure,
just say the word.
Thanks for coming girls.
- It's been fun.
- Thank you.
- Yeah you can come
anytime you want man.
Later man.
- Man.
- This is the sundeck?
- This is gross, I'm
not staying here.
- I thought he said he
put a lot of effort into this.
- Yeah, well clearly not.
- Hey boss.
- Hey, it's
all over the news.
- Yeah we got the stuff.
- Come on, I can hear the
sirens over the phone.
Go to plan b, hide the stuff.
You can't get picked
up with it on you.
- I can't
go back to jail man.
- Yeah we gonna hide it.
- You know, I can
deal with the bangers
and the biker drug
dealers, but these guys,
these guys are
fanatics, they're crazy.
This is my last deal
with these guys.
Stay on the DL, I'll
get back to you.
- Hey Andrea come look at this.
- It's really weird, what
are those guys doing?
- Hey cheerleaders!
- They saw us.
- We'll get 'em later.
- Attention Camp
Cheer finalists, just want
to make a little
announcement here.
I've been notified
by my good buddy,
Police Captain Flores
about a break-in
at a government
facility down the road.
- There's a government
facility around here?
- There's government
facilities everywhere.
There's one around here that
does defense satellites.
- That sounds
very significant.
- Police
are investigating
and they think the culprits
are still in the area.
- Should we be scared?
- Tough girls like you, what
do you have to be scared of?
- I'm sure there's
no immediate danger,
but it would probably
be a good idea to make
sure your cars are locked
and your eyes are open.
- Should we be scared?
- If you see something, say
something and let me know.
I'm around if anyone needs me.
- Watch it.
- It's heavier
than I thought it was.
- All
right, here we go.
- Mr. Axel.
- Just Axel, what's going on?
- There were these
two guys in the alley
and they buried something,
they had a white van.
- Calm down, let's
just go check it out
and see what we're
dealing, okay, come on.
Hey Miss, don't go in there.
That's not a good exit, Miss!
- Why, why, why!
It said exit, it said exit!
- Hmm.
Look, y'all just stay here okay.
- They hid it under
that piece of wood.
- Um, is this what you saw?
All right, look let's just
go and keep this safe.
Let's head on back.
- They're so sloppy, with their
routine like that,
they'll never win.
- Not against us.
- She can't even do
a cartwheel right.
- See that girl right
there, thunder thighs.
- See that
one, daddy long legs.
- You guys are so mean.
- Truth hurts.
- See her hair, totally fake.
- Fake
hair, fake personality.
- See their outfits, awful.
- Those colors don't even match.
- It's so bad, let's
just go downstairs.
Point your toes.
Go, go, go.
Balance ladies,
balance, balance.
Do it.
- Fucking cheerleaders.
What is this?
A pom-pom.
Girls, so you want to play.
We'll play.
- Yeah just checking
on your last gig.
Yes, the insurance
company was very generous.
- Yeah.
- You've got it
under control right?
- Everything's good.
- You got it handled.
- There's a
small bump in the road.
- I've got to deliver on Sunday.
- Yeah, we got it.
- I told you these
guys are nuts.
- Got it under
control, no problem.
I'll get you and
your little dog too.
- Yeah boss, I
got eyes on the place.
It should be no problem at all.
We got some cheerleaders
and some camp manager.
Some hillbilly
hick looking type.
A cowboy hat.
We should make
quick work of him.
Yeah, no problem.
Yeah I see another
cheerleader now.
This place is gonna
be easy to take down.
I think, I think she's
eating a cucumber.
- Michelle come look at this.
- Oh come on.
Is that what a real
lumber Jack looks like?
- We should go talk to him.
- Oh okay,
here's another one.
I don't know what the
hell she is doing though.
She's walking into
the theater now.
And then she walked right out.
I'm gonna go check the
other side of the camp.
- Hey come on.
- That's the chick
that was eating the cucumber.
Yeah boss, your plan is perfect.
They're all gonna be inside
at this 80s dance party.
- How we looking?
- That should be a
fun time tonight.
- Yeah I've never been
to an 80s party before.
- And that's it,
that's all right.
Just like last
year, they'll come.
Baby, please be my baby
- I'm looking forward to it.
- Yeah, let's get in
there, I'm excited.
- Boys, boys, come
on, come on, let's go.
The party's starting, let's go.
This dance and late at night
I want to feel your body
I'm gonna flood you in
- You coming?
You coming, all right.
- All right guys, grab a mask.
Put one on.
- All right, what we got?
- Let's go, grab
a mask, let's go.
- Oh that's a good one bro.
- What is this, why
I got to wear this?
- Put it on!
- I look like a
girl with this thing on.
- Fine
don't wear one then.
- I got to wear it,
they can't see my face.
- Let's go
move it, out, out!
- Hey y'all,
this is a party.
Now I know we only
got a couple people
here yet, but they're coming.
So get up, let's get down
here, and let's party!
Turn the music up.
Oh baby
You make me come alive
Oh make me, you
make me come alive
You make me, you
make me, you make me
You make me come alive
I see you across the floor
Our eyes meet and
then there's more
A feeling takes control
You've got my soul alive
- Come
on guys, move it!
My body, it starts to shake
My heart pounds
for goodness sake
My temperature
was up and down
And my head is spinning
round and round
I'm floating up near the sky
I'll tell you why
You make me come alive
Oh make me, you
make me come alive
You make me, you
make me, you make me,
You make me come alive
I feel like I'm hypnotized
But I've never felt so alive
The music it starts to pound
And the room is
moving up down
I'm flying to the mile high
And I'll tell you why
You make me come alive
Oh make me, you
make me come alive
You make me, you make me,
you make me come alive
Oh make me, you
make me come alive
- That was so much fun.
I haven't danced
like that in a while.
I'm gonna go get
something out of my car.
- All right, I'm gonna go check
on Theo, I'll be right back.
- Theo.
Axel, Axel, they took Theo!
They took Theo!
- Girls, what's going on?
- Please help, we shouldn't
have taken their stuff.
- They left a ransom note.
- Trade dog for our
stuff, 5:30 tomorrow, here.
Poor little guy.
- All right look, listen,
listen, come here, come here.
Listen, we're gonna get
Theo back I promise okay.
- Okay.
- What I need you guys to do is,
I need you to go back
to your room right now
and I'm gonna try
to work on a plan.
- Okay.
- All right.
- At least we know he's gonna be
okay until tomorrow all right.
- Really?
- How could you be so heartless.
- All right girls, girls go
back to y'alls rooms okay.
I'm gonna come up
with a plan and we're
gonna get Theo back, all right?
This reminds me of that
time I shot that groundhog.
I got it.
- Axel has a plan okay.
Are you okay?
- No, leave me alone.
I can't believe he's gone.
- He's not gone.
- Should have never come here.
Should have never brought Theo.
- Oh!
- Mr. Johnson told
me to use this shower
because mine was out of order.
Are you guys okay?
What's the matter,
what happened?
- They took Theo.
- They took your dog?
Who would do that?
- They want an exchange.
- We were sunbathing when we
saw these guys in the alley,
and then they hid something,
and then they saw us,
and then we went told
Axel, and then we got it,
and then they took
Theo, and now he's gone.
- What you gonna do?
- Axel has a plan, it's
just no particular one.
- Well I will help you.
Let me take this off my face
and I'm gonna talk to you.
We'll get your dog.
- I got it.
- You know what,
I want to take a chainsaw
to those guys that took Theo.
- I don't blame you,
but violence is
never the answer.
- Guys.
- Okay
look, Theo wouldn't
want us laying
around crying right?
- Right, he's strong
and so are we.
- Hey so we got
this, let's do it.
- Come on.
- Thanks for coming girls.
Now, this is our camp and we're
gonna get Mr. Theo
back, I promise.
And here's how.
By a show of hands, how many
of you been groundhog hunting?
All right better
question, how many
of y'all know what
a ground hog is?
Just, just know basically
the point is you got
to get there before
the groundhog, and
you got to be ready.
Now this plan that
I have come up with
has a job for each of you, okay?
Here's what's going down.
Everything was checked
and double checked.
I've dealt with low
lives before and I knew
I had to come up with
something they wouldn't expect.
They didn't know who
they were dealing with.
Axel Johnson, the fourth.
Tension in the air was so thick,
even the dogs were
getting antsy.
Just like I told the girls
about the groundhogs,
I knew they'd be coming early.
AJ had been out front all
morning watching, just in case.
I had set up the meeting
to our advantage.
The girls were ready and
waiting at strategic points.
Pamela was supposed
to be on the gate,
Andrea was in the
palm fronds, and that
Yugoslavia cheerleader was
in the other palm fronds.
Even one of those
promoters was standing by.
He was itching to tag on it.
I'd managed to get
the place pretty much
emptied out to minimize
any collateral damage.
Attention all Camp Cheer
finalists, the hospitality
suite has been set up for
you at the high school.
We hope you all have a good
time exploring our town.
Remember you don't have
to be back until dark.
Anyway, I was ready.
The final cars were leaving.
I can, I can feel 'em.
- All right guys,
here's the plan.
We're gonna double cross them.
- What do you mean?
- We told them 5:30 arrival,
let's get there at 3:30.
You know what scratch that,
make it three o'clock.
- Okay.
- Give me one second.
- They're gone, all
right great thanks.
- Who was that?
- That was Nick and Vic, I had
them early doing a stakeout.
We're gonna go in
and out real quick.
All right got it, let's go.
Let's go, let's go right
now, let's do this.
- We got this,
everybody just stay
calm and stick to the plan.
Since AJ was mayor,
he done had two kids
and had been baiting a
previous altercation,
I decided to send him out
to cover the back gate.
Just stay on your toes.
Our resident lumberjack,
Easel Johnson, no relation,
had volunteered to be
bait, you know to let them
think they had the upper hand.
Actually, we figured
there were gonna try
to knock him out, so he kind of
volunteered to be
more of a pinata.
We were all waiting for them,
and we had a few
surprises of our own.
Any minute now.
I got 'em.
Everyone get ready, looks like
the party's about to begin.
- They just
passed checkpoint A.
- Copy, now
real quick sneak back
into stage one the back way.
- They just passed point B.
- Copy, meet
up with Michelle,
and get ready to
take these guys down.
You have to press the
button and let it go.
No don't press it again.
No okay, I know
it's confusing Lana.
[speaking foreign language]
Lana, Lana, okay
Jacob do your thing.
- Yeah I see 'em, I'm
moving to stage one as per plan.
- Copy and get ready
to take these guys down.
- Gotcha.
- Get ready Diesel,
they're right behind you.
You're ready.
See a pinata.
- Where's Theo?
- Shh, I'm talking to you,
you little cheerleader.
Who are you?
- Axel Johnson, I'm
the manager here.
- Well Axel Johnson,
is that for me?
- Well that depends,
you got the dog?
- Yeah I got the
dog, he's outside.
I got proof of life.
- Theo.
- Where I come
from, we don't treat
pretty little ladies like this.
- I don't care
where you come from,
just give me the stuff I want.
- Here's your
schematics, take it
and get the hell out of here.
- It's all in here.
All there.
- Yeah.
- Come here,
come here you.
- Na, na, na, na, na.
I'm right here.
- Let's do this.
- This is bull crap man,
let's get the stuff
and get out of here.
- Put the mask on.
- I hate this mask.
- All wrapped
up here officer.
- All right,
let's go you pinheads.
Nice job everyone.
- Hey boys, when you
get downtown, say
hey to Big D for me.
The authorities
showed up quickly.
Things started moving fast after
the police took
those pinheads away.
Turns out they were working for
a slimy lawyer with
government credentials.
He was trying to
make a quick buck
selling satellite schematics
to some shady foreign types.
- Look, they had the schematics
on them when they
were picked up.
Mental giants, didn't
want to take this job.
Is that a threat?
Yeah, I don't like your
tone of your voice.
What do you mean you
know where my family is?
You don't even know
where you wife is.
- Oddly he
disappeared and he was
never seen or heard from again.
But the plot was
foiled, and actually
it was a pretty big deal.
Meanwhile, as you
may have guessed,
the girls went on
to win the finals.
Big celebration.
But, that was just
the beginning.
When news of what
happened got out,
and with an election coming up,
the mayor and the local
politicos all joined in.
We all become well I'll
just say it, celebrities.
And Ms. Pamela and Ms.
Andrea, were awarded
scholarships, went
to NYU and then
were recruited into Homeland
Security right away.
Ms. Michelle, followed her
dream and used her scholarship
to become a successful
veterinarian up
in Santa Barbara.
She's a top dog in the state's
animal rights campaign.
The Yugoslavian chick, well
she went back to Yugoslavia.
From what she said I guess it's
down right beautiful there.
When there's not war going on.
I think it's called Bosnia now.
And me, my vast experience
and expertise in construction
and my national leadership
abilities really paid off,
and I started moving
up in the world.
Axel Johnson's Guide To Fixin'
And Flippin' Real Estate
has become somewhat
of a hit TV show,
which can be seen
every night on cable.
The house is no longer there.
But my student turned a profit.
There's more than
one way to skin
a cat in the real estate biz.
Hi, I'm Axel Johnson,
and the next 30 minutes
you will learn how
to make big money
for yourself,
instead of your boss.
Live the life you
always dreamed of.
You will get my personal
insight into making
significant profit potential
with minimal downside risks.
Sit back, kick your shoes off,
and let me paint you a picture.
Change your future, nation
wide resources available.
Just come to my free
five and a half hour
presentation at the
luxurious Shangri-La motel,
complex, cocktail bar
and lounge and ballroom,
just off state route 69.
I love that place.
Free box lunch included.
It's chicken.
And learn my unique system in
creating wealth in real estate.
Whether you want to
buy one house a year
or one house a week, let me
show you the opportunities.
I will teach you how
to identify a property,
gauge it's fixing expenses,
and I'll even tell you how
long it will take it to flip.
Then if I like the
deal, I may even
assist you in getting
bridge financing.
Call and register for your
guaranteed personal reservation.
Seats are extremely limited.
Oh baby
You make me come alive
Oh make me, you
make me come alive
You make me, you
make me, you make me
You make me come alive
- Look a kumquat tree.
- Kumquat,
what's a kumquat,
you're making that up.
- Oh kumquats,
we've had those before.
You eat 'em skin and all.
I see you across the floor
Our eyes meet and
then there's more
A feeling takes control
You've got my soul alive
My body starts to shake
My heart pounds
for goodness sake
My temples was up and down
And my head is spinning
round and round
I'm floating way up the sky
And I tell you why
You make me come alive
- Oh I just got to get my hat.
Oh make me, you
make me come alive
- I'm let you in on a little
confidential information.
Before we separated
ways, Homeland Security
brought us in on a
couple of investigations.
They thought our
talents could be of use.
Sort of a modern day
Charlie's Angels.
You have a couple of hours, grab
a glass of your
favorite beverage.
You should already
have your shoes off.
And cozy up, you're
in for a treat.
This was a weird case.
There's no motive, no weapon,
no witnesses,
except for the dog.
When the police
finally arrived, they
just tried to knock
the door down.
That's when I
started to thinking,
perfect job for the girls.
Ms. Michelle hit the
roof, squeezed through
a 12 inch pipe for the
AC, I have no idea how.
Don't care, Ms. Andrea,
hit the tunnels.
Came up from underneath
the building.
Ms. Pamela repelled
down the side,
cut a hole in the
glass and that's that.
What no one realized this
entire time was there's
a dog tied to the bike
rack 15 feet from the door.
So, I called the best pet
psychic detective in the state.
Took about 15 minutes to
get there from helicopter.
That give the girls just
plenty of time to get in place.
When she arrived, took
her about a minute or two
to squeeze that information
out of the chihuahua.
A slight communication barrier
'cause it only spoke Spanish.
But once we got the information
the girls were ready.
Broke into the building
and rescued the hostage.