CHiPs (2017) Movie Script

Ah, shit.
Hey, Ann. I gotta go to work.
KAREN: Hi, it's Karen from SwimTech.
Leave me a message.
Hey, hon. I was hoping to catch you.
It's my big test day, so wish me luck.
Okay, love you.
Ah, fuck! Fuck.
Oh, God. Ah, fuck, mmm, yoga pants.
HECTOR: Let's go!
Chacho, let's go! Let's go!
Suspect's in black Chevy.
MALE OFFICER: We got him.
- Holy shit! What the fuck was that?
- What are you stopping for?
CASTILLO: Put your gun
on the fucking floor.
It's not my fault. You're the one
driving like a fucking dick.
CASTILLO: Oh, so you steady yourself
on the trigger of an M4?
You see those?
Those are the "oh, shit" handles.
That's what they're there for.
Shut up and drive!
Two options. Gun on the floor,
or a muzzle in your mouth.
- Drive!
- There you go!
POLICEMAN: Open fire!
MAN: Son of a whore!
HECTOR: Drive, Chacho! Drive, man!
HECTOR: Let's go!
Let's go. What are you waiting for?
- It's kind of a dick move.
- What?
It's like Santa shot Rudolph
after all the deliveries, you know?
(CHUCKLES) You're a funny motherfucker,
That's cold, dude.
That's fucking cold, dude.
Let's go, let's go.
You gotta get in the back.
- It's supposed to look like a fare.
- Just go!
Not like a cabbie
with his homie ridin' in the front.
You gotta get in the back.
- Just go.
- (WHISTLES) Get in the back.
It ain't happenin'.
- No?
- No.
Fuck it.
Tel Aviv, Tel Aviv.
Tel Aviv, Tel Aviv.
Go! Go! Go!
Tel Aviv? What the fuck is Tel Aviv?
No, it's Castillo.
Agent Castillo.
I know, It's a bummer, right?
Look at those guys. Whoa!
I took you on vacation
to the Bahamas with my family.
It was great. I loved it.
You fucking piece of shit!
To the Atlantis!
Yeah, but in '09, you shot my partner
in a credit union.
His name was Michael Glade.
- OFFICER: Hey, keep still.
FBI AGENT: Easy. Nobody shoot.
Don't move, Chacho!
I'm shot!
CASTILLO: Oh, that felt so good!
Oh, shit!
I was praying to God, I was, like,
"Please give me a reason to shoot you."
And you came through, bro!
What's wrong with you?
You shot your partner!
Oh, there's one last surprise.
I figured you still owe me,
even after the vacation and everything.
Look at this. Your wife.
I'm gonna kill you, Chacho!
CASTILLO: I just gave her the attention
you didn't, bro.
You should've cuddled.
You should've cuddled, bro.
HECTOR: Chacho, I'll kill you!
Here we go.
Get at it, girls! Let's go!
Are you cat fighting? Come on, girls!
There you go. There you go.
Shoot, Kyle! Come on!
Baker, what the hell?
It's a grappling exercise!
I'm so sorry. Dude, are you okay?
He hit my bad knee.
I've had some trauma, then I reacted,
and my training took over.
- I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
- What training?
- What goddamn training?
- I don't have any training.
Get off the mat.
Good punch.
None of these aptitude scores
meet even the lowest standards
for graduation.
In fact, most of the disabled cadets
scored much, much higher.
- They did?
- Yeah, even in marksmanship.
Well, I don't doubt that.
Disabled folks are doing a ton
these days.
Look at that Olympic runner with no legs.
He killed his girlfriend even.
Not that that's an accomplishment,
but still, it's impressive
in its severity.
And then there is your physical.
You've had 23 surgeries?
Yeah, I've had feet, ankles,
knees and shoulders.
And I have a titanium humerus
from here to here. It's pretty cool.
So, how do you feel?
You know, I feel pretty darn good.
I'm on a pharmaceutical regimen.
That helps a lot.
Except for when it rains.
Those days are pretty rough.
Oh, I bet.
I don't think I could live in Seattle.
Jon, why do you wanna be CHP?
Truth be told,
my wife wants a separation.
I lost my sponsors about a year ago
and I've been just wallowing.
And she understandably
has lost her attraction to me.
I can feel it when I look at her.
Are you okay?
I didn't mean to be a bummer.
It just triggered (CLEARS THROAT)
- some of my stuff.
- I'm sorry.
I've got some of the same issues
with my husband Ted.
- I'm so sorry to hear that.
- It's very painful.
This is Karen. She's a swim instructor.
Whoa! She's very beautiful.
Thank you. He is really good-looking
and he's handsome.
You are a very lucky man.
Thank you. Thank you.
So, how does CHP play into it, Jon?
You know, I learned in couples' therapy
that women often marry their fathers,
and her dad was a cop.
- Ah, I get it.
- Yeah.
Well, you can ride a motorcycle.
I'll give you that.
Yes, ma'am, like a motherfucker.
Okay. I'mma level with you, Jon.
- I like you.
- Thank you.
- You have nice eyes.
- Thank you.
You remind me of my husband.
Thank you.
Tell you what. Today's your lucky day.
I'm gonna graduate you
on a probationary clause,
which means if you are not
in the top 10% of your department
for conduct, safety, and citations,
you're a fucking goner.
- You got me?
- Yes, ma'am, loud and clear.
Don't fuck this up.
MALE OFFICER: Pull to the right.
3-9 to base, we're 7-0-4.
How they gonna force us off the highway,
then block the fucking exit?
LT? Clear?
Hey, hey, hey.
You think that door's gonna evaporate
and not kill that woman right there?
Oh, Dad, what woman?
You're high, right?
It's noon and you're high already.
Lay off, Dad.
BECKY: No, no, no!
Please, no!
RAY: It's gonna be okay, ma'am.
You're gonna be home
with your cats in no time.
REED: Clear!
Oh, shit!
DISPATCHER: EAGLE-6, we have an 11-80
at the 210 and Lowell.
EAGLE-6 responding to 11-80
at 210 and Lowell.
(PANTING) LT. What's going on?
This ain't the plan.
What are you doin', man?
You and TJ skimmed
200 grand off the last job.
You think I wouldn't notice?
They're on the ramp, TJ. Two bikes.
Dispatch, this is EAGLE-6.
We have four suspects
on two black motorcycles
heading eastbound
toward Pennsylvania Ave.
Shots fired, shots fired!
Let's see how much
your boyfriend loves you.
TJ: Oh, my God. He's got David.
PARISH: Who's David?
RAY: One of you is gonna die.
You choose, thief.
Thief? Fuck does that mean?
RAY: I let you on my crew,
and you're gonna steal from me?
It's you or David.
Hey, TJ!
Buckle back in!
Don't jump, TJ!
Don't jump!
You've got two weeks to
get our money back, or you die, too.
You understand?
Clay! You're back already, dude?
That's great.
Yeah, let me tell you something.
It's gonna take two surgeries
just so I can lift my children again,
you fucking asshole.
Whoa! That's a weird way to thank me
for saving your life, buddy,
but you're welcome!
- Shooting me was an act of kindness?
- Absolutely!
You should allow me to return the favor.
But Hector's got your gun.
How are you gonna shoot me?
- Hey! You're a bad partner!
- Yeah? You're incompetent!
- You're a bad person.
- You're not even an agent.
- Bad agent!
- Clay, go home.
You're gonna want to alternate
between heat and ice.
- Twenty minutes each time.
- Shut up. Let's go.
- Get over here.
- Fucker.
CHP Internal has asked for our help
on that armored car job.
They think some of their own
were involved.
What, the one where the pilot jumped?
Yeah, or maybe the copilot pushed him.
They don't know.
How many cops do they suspect?
PETERSON: Five. We need to find them.
How much they get?
- 12.6 million.
Truck had just left Santa Anita with
the cash take from the Breeders' Cup.
You want me to go out there
and ask some questions?
No, I want you to go on the inside.
No shit?
Go undercover within the department?
That's awesome.
Can you ride a bike?
Why a bike?
The bad guys ride bikes. Can you?
Oh, I dominate anything with a motor.
Don't get cocky. I'm serious.
I'm not cocky either.
Give me a snow blower, step the fuck back.
A weed-whipper? I own that shit!
Listen, we need to talk about
you shooting Allen
and the photos of Hector's wife
on your phone.
There's gonna be a panel.
Allen's a pussy. We both know that.
He handed over his weapon to a detainee.
Why don't you review him?
You need to bury it.
Because he's leading the investigation
out in LA.
He's gonna be your point.
Don't send that clown, please.
You think everybody since Glade
was a clown.
No, but he is a real clown!
You're acting like a fucking widow.
Get over it.
- Sorry.
- And how do you explain the pictures?
Well, I can't help it if someone
sends me unsolicited photos.
How am I gonna stop that?
So, you had nothing to do with it?
Aside from being handsome
and symmetrical, no.
So, you're not to blame for the cock shots
your phone sent to her phone?
Or did your phone take them
while you were asleep?
Because your dick looked wide awake.
At the time, it seemed like
the more innocent option.
It was less wrong
than actually plowing her.
Good! So you didn't have sex with her?
Eventually, I did.
That's why I said, "At the time".
That's the defendant's wife!
The defendant in your case!
I hear you loud and clear, sir.
I really hope you do.
Because I'd hate to lose a great agent
over some bullshit.
I think you're a sex addict.
I understand, sir.
So, who am I playing?
They got you playing, uh...
You're gonna be
Francis Llewellyn Poncherello.
That's a fucked up name.
That's a lot of names.
Well, that's too bad
because we already built the bio.
What are we gonna do, go and change it?
Got it.
PETERSON: Your name is
Officer Francis Llewellyn Poncherello
and you're transferring
from CHP in Redding.
Captain Lindel will be the only person
that knows you're FBI.
She put you with a rookie
named Jon Baker.
And he won't know shit about shit,
so you'll be able to drag him around
without him getting suspicious.
And stay away from that
hot ass out there in LA.
What's your job?
CASTI LLO: Find the five dirty cops.
PETERSON: That's right. Blend in.
What's up? I'm Jon.
Jon Baker.
Francis, uh, Poncherello.
- Oh, you're Poncherello?
- Yeah.
- Awesome, man. We're partners.
- Oh, cool.
Let's kick this off with the real thing.
Oh, dude!
- Okay.
- Slow down a little bit.
- Sorry.
- That was a bit much.
If you're homophobic or whatever,
that's cool.
No, no, no. What?
I mean, it's not cool to be homophobic,
but I totally respect your right to be.
Wait, you think I'm homophobic
because I won't embrace a man
in his underpants that I just met?
Is that your definition?
But your reaction was really strong.
Borderline violent.
I bet if I were a hot woman in a bikini,
you'd probably be fine hugging me, yeah?
Your question is, "Would I prefer to
hug a hot woman in a bikini"
"over a male stranger in his underpants?"
And my answer to that will determine
whether or not I'm a homophobe,
like, according to you?
I think you've oversimplified it, but yes.
- I do.
- Okay.
Here's my answer.
I'm the senior officer here.
You're the rookie that doesn't know
his mouth from his asshole,
let alone the definition of homophobia.
So, from here on out,
you're just gonna shut the fuck up
and wait patiently for me to ask
all the questions. Understood?
I got that.
- Understood?
- I understand.
- I'm sorry.
- Better.
You know, I think I'm a little nervous
'cause it's my first day
- and I have a lot riding on this.
- Don't worry about it.
I'm trying to salvage my marriage...
Did I ask you about
your failing marriage?
Just shut up and suit up, okay?
No way. Come on, Jon Baker. "The Baker"?
Hey, what's going on, dude?
Brian Grieves.
What the hell are you doing here?
I'm an officer.
That's my partner, Francis Poncherello.
- What's up, bro?
- Dude, that is awesome!
You know, my cousin competed
against you in freestyle.
I cannot tell you how many times
I've seen you ride.
- Like, a billion.
- Ah!
That's so flattering.
Who was your cousin?
Oh, Reed Junior.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
He was amazing.
I wish he would've stuck with it.
Yeah, me too.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, hey, look, man, welcome.
I cannot wait to work with you.
- Oh, man. Do you ride?
- Fuck yeah!
Oh, we're gonna ride!
Awesome. You too, Poncharrow.
BRIAN: Buddy!
- This is gonna be badass!
- It means a lot to me.
Hell, yeah. All right, later.
All right, take care, man.
ARNAUD: Do you have a favorite artist?
RAY: I have a favorite size. Backpack.
We've just the piece for you.
Piet Mondrian's Composition No. 7, 1941.
20x26 inches.
And if you pay in cash, it's 14.
- For this?
- Mm-hmm.
Is it finished?
Indeed. You can roll this painting up
and put it in your carry-on.
No matter where you take it
in the world, it's worth 14.
There's no better way to get cash
across the border.
Perfect, I'll take it.
I don't have it, but I'll get you the 14.
CASTILLO: Put that away.
You're going to get us
pegged as slap-dicks. Come on.
JON: What's that? No, I got to take notes.
- Hi.
- Good morning.
Okay, everybody.
Uh, we have a couple of new team members
to welcome this morning.
Transferring from the Redding branch
is Officer Pantera.
It's Poncherello.
Francis Llewyl Poncherello.
JANE: Hi, Francis.
You can call me Ponch. Ponch is fine.
Ponch. Much easier.
And correcting me is, uh, Jon Baker.
Uh, Jon has the distinction of being
the oldest rookie ever.
- MAN: Ooh.
- By nine years.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh, I actually have a rookie question,
if you don't mind me interrupting.
Um, I was told that I have to land in the
top 10% of my department in citations...
It's a joke. He was just joking.
Great joke, Jon!
- Keep 'em comin'!
JANE: Okay, we're having a problem
with the fire extinguishers, people.
Do you each have one in your car?
Show of hands.
Who has a fire extinguisher in their car
at this very moment as we speak?
JON: Gotta say this is pretty badass,
Being all suited up for battle.
What, looking like UPS drivers?
Yeah, that's super cool.
Fuckin' go brown, right?
We don't look like UPS drivers. Do we?
Hold up a second.
ROTH: It's Roth.
- You find out where she works?
- On Riverside.
AVA: Hey.
Oh, hey! How are you?
- Good. How are you?
- Good.
Is that your Sport 1000 I'm seeing?
- Yeah. You know what that is?
- Ah...
Just a little bit.
I got a Paul Smart 1000 myself.
Oh, I love those. Those are beautiful.
So beautiful. I've been looking
for one of yours for a while, though.
- Car wash in the Valley?
- Yeah. Happy Hands.
Okay. Send me the address.
If you're interested, you should ride up
Angeles Crest with us to Newcomb's Ranch.
Beautiful ride, ton of Ducatis.
God, I'm so flattered
'cause you're crazy attractive,
but I'm trying to repair
my marriage right now.
Oh, my God. Really?
First of all, you're old as fuck.
Second of all, no one wants to hear
about your marriage troubles.
So, maybe you just want to
get over yourself a little bit?
- Good work.
- I wasn't... (GROANS)
Good work. No, you're just
blending right in. It's perfect.
I just hope he's not a crazy stalker
or something.
He knew I had cats.
It's probably a lucky guess or something.
Did you hear any names?
LT. What's going on?
Yeah, someone called him "LT."
How about the pilot?
Did he seem to fall, or was he pushed out?
No, I just saw him land.
Don't go back there. No, no, it's fine.
You know what?
Nobody's going to get away with this.
I promise, okay?
Is your friend ticketing me?
- One down.
Jon. What are you doing?
- What am I doing?
- What is this shit?
No, no, no. Hey.
This car doesn't have plates.
No, because it's brand new.
Can you not see it's brand new?
Listen, I've got to write some tickets,
or I'm going to blow my probation
and I'm going to get canned.
But you got to use your brain.
They just bought this car.
We're up! No seatbelt. Red Ford!
We're not up! You're getting ticket-happy!
It's just a seatbelt.
- No!
- Mount up.
No! Stay right here!
Jesus Christ.
Is your partner okay?
He just got assigned to me, you know?
- Right.
- You transfer from Redding?
Yeah! Ponch.
- Ray.
- Nice to meet you.
You must know Bob Lynn?
Of course. Asian Bob.
Everybody knows Bob.
- "Asian Bob"?
- Yeah.
Thought he was
English or Scottish or something.
Oh, you're talking about Bob Lynn,
I thought you were talking about
Bob Lin, L-I-N,
who's Asian as hell.
I think he's a hundred percent.
But to answer your question, yes.
I do know white Bob.
We haven't met. I'm Gay Terry.
I'm sorry, Irish Gay Terry.
That makes sense, that makes sense.
JON: Whoa, whoa, whoa...
- Don't do that! Hey!
Okay, this is a prank.
Yeah, I wish it was a prank.
- TERRY: Buh-bye, Francis!
- You have to be playin'.
Backing up, you don't even look?
Everything's gone to shit,
that's how it's gone.
Hey, I need the address
of the pilot that jumped.
And I also need a profile made
for a Bob Lin.
L-I-N for the last name,
and he's got to be super Asian.
- ROTH: Got it. Bob Lin, super Asian.
- Okay.
- Fuck.
You got it, bro?
All right.
We're the Highway Patrol.
Shouldn't we be patrolling a highway?
I'm paying my respects
to the widow of a fallen officer.
It's going to take me all of two minutes.
Okay. Listen, I have one shot
at saving my marriage, okay?
This job is crucial to that.
I couldn't care less about your wife,
but stay with the bikes, okay?
And don't ticket anybody.
Okay, and fuck that. Not a chance.
- Excuse me?
- I'm not letting my partner fly solo
- into an unknown environment.
You're not going let me or not
let me do a damn thing. You're a rookie!
Okay, I respect your rank,
but I am not letting you
enter a domicile while on duty
without me at your six o'clock.
It's a nonstarter, Ponch.
- It's unsafe.
- Christ. Fine!
Just keep your mouth shut.
Listen, I do need to warn you, though.
I sometimes get nauseous
in people's homes
because of the mix of smells,
the pheromones of food and pets.
You're fuckin' weird, bro.
I don't remember Terrell ever mentioning
a Pueblerro. Is that Native American?
It's Poncherello.
I don't remember that either.
Yeah, I just wanted to stop by
and give my condolences.
Please don't touch anything in the salon.
CASTILLO: I was just so shocked.
I mean, I've known TJ for years
and I can't imagine him
jumping out of a helicopter.
Plus, I've always wondered,
was TJ dealing
with some kind of depression?
Certainly nothing I knew of.
We were very happy.
Right. Did he owe anybody any money?
JOY: Absolutely not.
He left behind a savings account.
No debts.
I'm gonna go get some fresh air.
Sorry about him.
Uh, was he happy working with Parish?
Did they get along?
You know, I have an appointment
I need to get ready for.
Right. Yeah, me too.
I got to go visit LT.
Who's LT?
Just a mutual friend.
I'm sorry.
- Get outta there. Get outta there, dude!
- JON: Huh?
Get outta there. Jesus.
- I hope you got closure in there.
- Closure?
Yeah, because I almost lost it
when that cat went face-first
into the litter box. Ugh!
What kind of dude uses
the word "closure"?
- What, are you a therapist?
- No.
But I've been in couples' therapy
for a year.
And that's what it's called when you try
to resolve painful feelings.
- I could tell.
- Isn't that why we're here?
So you could process
the passing of your friend?
Which, by the way,
I am so sorry for your loss, man.
- Oh, my God, dude.
- So sorry. What?
It's just your word choice.
It's like you're three beers too intimate.
You know what... (GROANS) It's the pills.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
- Textbook deflection.
- Oh!
You couldn't be more clichd if you tried.
(BARITONE) "I'm a tough motorcycle cop.
I got no emotions."
- "I don't care who dies."
- Fuck you!
Your buddy's been dead how long?
You still haven't dealt with it?
He's been dead a month, Freud.
- A month?
- Yeah.
- That's weird.
- What's weird?
It's weird that his wife
moved on in a month.
In your expertise, she's moved on.
How can you tell?
There's nothing of his in that house.
There's no commendations on the wall,
no pictures of him
and his buddies fishing.
There's no tools.
He was a helicopter pilot
without a work bench or a tool box?
And no gun safe?
What cop doesn't have a gun safe?
It's just weird.
Feels like he didn't live there.
Bro, I got to hit the Arby's
at the bottom of the hill. I'm on E.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
- ROTH: Hello?
- Hey, Roth?
Yeah, what's up?
Find out if TJ owned another property,
like a rented or leased.
No problem.
What's going on?
Why are you in front
of my partner's house?
Oh, just giving my condolences.
- You knew TJ?
- Yup.
The Academy.
Really? What year was that exactly?
Why are you shaking me down, man?
First at lunch and now here?
I mean, I was friends with TJ.
All right? We were friends
and I thought we'd get along too.
But if you're going to be up my ass,
then I'll just keep it movin'.
This is my partner's widow.
I see you around this house again,
I will be in your ass with a boot.
- Yeah, be well, bro.
- Yeah.
JON: Bro, that's quality beef.
Hey, before you go writing
another tire pressure ticket,
tell me what kind of bikes these are.
It's the Ducati Hypermotard. The 939.
It's their all-terrain race bike.
How could you know?
You haven't even seen it.
Just listen. You hear that?
It's a big V-twin.
Yeah, but a lot of people make twins.
Yeah, but that one's revving at 9000 RPM
which only a four-valve motor will do.
The only four-valve twin in a supermoto
setup is the Ducati.
They're fast as fuck.
(SINGING) All I wanna do in the middle
of the evening is hold you tight.
Rosanna, Rosanna.
Can I tell you something?
It was pretty impressive the way you
were able to peg those bikes back there.
I think if you would just chill
for five minutes, man,
we can have a winning team.
You know what I mean?
JON: LA-15-7-MARY-3 and 4,
we are in pursuit of red Ferrari.
Code three!
I was trying to give you
a goddamn compliment!
JON: This is 7-MARY-4, we need backup.
All units.
Pull over!
Oh, yeah? Rock beats scissors. Over!
CASTILLO: Jon, stop!
- One second.
- Stop! That's an order!
- License and registration.
- What are you doing, boy?
Could you not see what I was holding up?
Okay. Lower the music, please.
"CHP Widows' Fund Gold Donor."
What is this? Are you a widow?
- Hey!
- One second!
- Turn down the music!
- Please turn it down.
If you keep ignoring me, I'm going to
write you up for insubordination.
Do you want to keep this job?
If we don't stop doing your errands
and do some police work,
I'm not going to have a job to lose.
I'm not going to have my day eaten away
by two bickering old ladies.
Shut up,
and turn down the fucking Toto, please.
JON: Stay in this car.
Stay in this car.
No, I spent $10,000
to the Widows' Fund to get that thing.
Now it's mine!
Get your hands on the car.
Get up against the car!
- You want to do this?
- I'll do it.
- OLD MAN: Oh, you're in so much trouble.
JON: I'm trained to do it,
and I know how to do it.
You know how dangerous it is
to drive at that speed?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Is this your "get out of jail free" card
in Los Angeles?
Oh, no, it's from the gold donor program,
used to be a guaranteed warning.
We usually just tell them
that the policy ended, and let 'em go.
- Oh.
- We should grab a drink.
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
Okay, come with me.
You're going to take a free ride now.
CASTILLO: Come with me, sir.
- Thank you.
- I got it.
- Why are you taking him this way?
- There's been a change in policy.
- This is your one freebie.
- Thank you very much.
Hey! What are you doing?
You can't let this obnoxious prick go!
Get in the car.
No, you're getting back in the cop car.
- Let go of him!
- You let go of him!
Dude, he's old as fuck!
I know. He's old, and he's fragile.
Stop fucking jerking on him.
- No, you are!
- Ah!
TERRY: Get him, Francis!
What the fuck, bitch?
I'm trying to fucking blend in here, man.
I suggest you do the same, okay?
A, you're a coward
and a cheap-shot artist.
B, I have to write tickets
and be safe and good conduct!
Stop being a goddamn boy scout!
Get on your bike and go home!
Go home! You're done for the day.
Get outta here.
TERRY: This is so hot.
I like that little brown one.
I would take either.
CLAY: What are you doing here?
Get outta here.
We question the guard
from the armored truck.
After you interview Barton, find out
if someone named "LT" works here.
Barton's been MIA since...
Don't tell him shit. Who's "LT"?
He's the shot caller.
I heard it from one of the witnesses.
You're talking to witnesses now?
You're supposed to be undercover,
getting the co-pilot story.
Don't worry about it. We're getting cozy,
and by the way, my new partner's awesome.
Bet you can't wait to shoot him.
You know what?
I'm point, motherfucker!
I'm point.
I'm your boss!
Get outta here.
COOPER: Looks legit to me.
RAY: I don't really care what this says.
Hansen just saw him at All Steel Armored.
What about his partner?
There's no way Baker could be IA.
He was a fucking X-Games guy
a few years back.
- You don't like it.
- No, I don't like it.
My son's addicted to heroin.
I got to get him out of this fucking town.
It's the only way
he's ever going to get clean.
Let's just figure out
another way to move the money.
And try to fly with cash?
You kidding me?
The painting's the best way
to walk through customs
with $14 million.
- It's beautiful.
- All right, well, then fuck it.
Even if they do show up,
they'll be riding lawnmowers.
Search Bob Lin. L-I-N.
All right.
Asian as hell.
Hi, what's up?
I'm right in the middle
of giving a swim lesson.
Oh, sorry.
What are you wearing?
Oh, it's my uniform.
From the CHP.
Aren't you supposed to change
out of it after you get off work?
Yeah, you can. Most guys probably...
It was my first day, so I thought you'd
probably want to see what I look like.
In all brown?
It's great, Jon.
Um... I thought maybe it would
remind you of your dad.
Oh, while I have you,
you used the patio last night
to cut through to the guest house.
Let's stick to the agreements, okay?
Use the side entrance.
Can you do that?
Yeah. Sorry about that.
Hey, Jon!
Hey, Rick.
You working down at UPS now?
No, man, I'm a police officer.
Hell, yeah.
Hey, uh, can we get a to-go box?
It's for your shirt, bro,
so you can eat it later.
- Classic Ponch-y.
- Yeah.
Always deflecting!
Oh, deflecting.
Why don't you stop using that word?
Do you even know what the word means?
- Yeah.
- Because I got a great example for you.
Okay, give me an example.
It's when a guy is super embarrassed about
taking his third dump before 11:00 a.m.
So he makes fun of his partner's shirt.
Okay, why are you counting
how many times I go to the bathroom?
- Hard to miss, man.
- It's really pervy, man.
- Oh, it's pervy?
- Yeah.
We're on and off these bikes
every half an hour,
so you can go in there and unload.
- Drop it.
- Admit it.
You have something going on intestinally
and you're too proud to stop
at a Walgreen's or a CVS to deal with it.
Is it a chronic thing, or did you eat
something dicey last night?
Just drop it!
Listen, okay... Don't pull away.
I'm worried about you.
Is there any blood?
Fucking blood. Unbelievable.
We're going to talk about this.
Dude, I will run in and get you
some Imodium if you're ashamed, okay?
Take the olive branch
and accept some help, okay?
Come on, Ponch!
Ponch, slow down.
You're not good enough to ride this fast.
I'd rather crash and die
than talk to you.
You clearly have a health issue,
like Crohn's or colitis.
I won't bring it up again.
Just, please, slow down.
I don't have colitis,
and there's other goddamn reasons
for going to the bathroom!
Yeah, but for 20 minutes?
Even a prostate thing would be like, uh...
Oh, my God!
Are you stroking yourself three times
a day in communal bathrooms?
Drop it! That's an order!
You're going to crash.
Code Four! We are a Code Four!
Kiddo. Mask up.
BRIAN: Clear!
He's got a gun!
God damn it! Where'd they come from?
Let's go, let's go!
Look, I'm sorry you crashed, man.
I tried to warn you.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Look, man, just, real quick,
I wasn't trying to embarrass you.
We all have sex issues.
I haven't slept with my wife in a year.
But when people have
oversexualized behavior like yours,
sometimes that's evidence
of past childhood trauma
and I just wanted you
to feel safe talking to me.
There's been no trauma, okay?
And my goal in life isn't to feel safe
talking to you.
What I do and how many times
I do it in the bathroom,
that's personal, okay?
That's my business.
That's not our business.
- I'll stay out of it.
- Okay, good.
But, if something did happen...
I just want you to hear me.
It's not your fault.
- Nothing happened, bro.
- It's not your fault.
Nothing happened.
- Are you positive?
- I'm positive.
If anything,
you should worry about your shit.
- My shit?
- Yeah.
Oh, what's my shit, Ponch?
Well, Jon,
if you haven't been
fucking your wife in over a year,
then somebody else has.
It's not even a question of "if,"
it's a question of "who."
Who's been fucking your wife?
DISPATCHER: LA-15 to all units. 211.
Eastbound 101 on-ramp at Cahuenga.
Armed suspects fleeing on motorcycles.
Oh, oh, oh, come on, come on.
It's three exits over. Come on, let's go!
I'm sorry, come on!
Help me with the bike!
God damn it.
Jesus Christ!
JON: All right, go around me.
You won't make it.
Bullshit! I can ride.
You crashed eight minutes ago
on flat pavement.
AVA: Jon and Ponch, what's your 20?
I'm northbound, through Elysian Park.
Whoa, whoa... (GROANS)
Ponch is southbound.
Change of plans. I'm going around.
JON: This is 7-MARY-4,
we're heading towards some kind of fair.
MAN: 7-MARY-4, we're right behind you.
I'd just moved the stuffed animals
closer to the dunk tank,
but other than that,
everything looks spectacular.
What the fuck?
Ah! Ow!
Oh, God.
Freeze! Get on the ground!
RAY: Cool it!
JON: God damn it! Please!
BRIAN: Go! Go! Go!
Call 911!
Who are they gonna call? Different cops?
They're heading south on Stadium Way.
CASTILLO: I'm on Stadium Way.
Where are you guys?
I said "Stop"!
Stop, motherfuckers!
Great job!
I'm not gonna empty
my weapon without cause.
If this was a public bathroom, you'd be
shootin' your weapon all over the place.
DISPATCHER: EAGLE-6, the suspects are
on Stadium Way, approaching Riverside.
Come on, you piece of shit!
- What's happening?
- These bikes'll never catch those.
They're just walking away. Come on!
PARISH: Those bikes must be going 150.
We're maxed at 130.
what is your status?
Wake up! What is your status?
7-MARY-3, shut the fuck up.
PATRICIA: I don't see 'em.
- You got 'em?
- Negative.
PATRICIA: Shit, where'd they go?
Jon, you got eyes?
- JON: Dude, do you see them?
- No.
Yeah, well done, EAGLE-6.
Yeah, fantastic.
JON: Ponch!
Holy shit!
That was fucking close.
- Hey...
Dude, I just want...
That's for kicking my knee.
Fucking hurt my feelings.
JON: Hey, it's Jon. Leave me a message.
Hey, Jon. I said I'm sorry, man.
Stop declining my calls.
All right, call me back, bud.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: All right, y'all.
Gonna feel like
we living in Seattle tomorrow morning
as rains are expected
throughout the Southland.
- Mmm.
Oh, fuck.
Fucking rain.
Karen! Sweetheart!
- JON: Karen!
Karen, can you come in here
and bring me my pills?
Is that Jon?
Karen, can you help me?
Should we help him?
This is how he gets attention.
So, no.
Give me that mustache.
(GROANING) Oh... Oh, oh...
Oh. Mmm.
Mmm, okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Okay, okay.
RAY: My guy at the Bureau
says there's a panel on him
and his name is Castillo,
not Poncherello.
- Oh, shit, Baker's calling me.
- Ignore it.
Yeah, dispatch.
Good morning. Uh, it's Officer Jon Baker,
and I was wondering if you could patch
me through to Ava Perez.
It's (STUTTERS) an emergency.
So, let me get this straight.
You thought it was inappropriate
to go on a motorcycle ride together
and now, I'm supposed to
come over to your bedroom,
help you from your bed into your bathtub
so you can pop some pills and loosen up?
Yes, ma'am.
And I'm guessing you're undressed.
I am not dressed. That is correct.
(STUTTERS) What do you think?
10, 15 minutes, maybe?
I will not be right over.
All right, have a good one.
ROTH: There was no record of an "LT"
working at All Steel,
but I did get a hit on that
property search for T J.
Turns out they filed
an eviction notice yesterday
for an apartment he cosigned on.
Oh, nice.
Text me the address.
Oh, my God, dude. I can't tell you
how much I appreciate this.
I thought I was gonna have to call 911
or something.
Don't worry about it. Do you need water?
What do you need?
I don't need any water,
but I gotta get into that bathtub soon.
If you could carry me over there.
Excuse me, what did you say?
I need to get into some warm water
or I'm gonna be stuck
on this floor all day.
So, carry me over there
and pop me in the tub.
Yeah, I can't do that.
What do you mean, you can't do that?
Physically, I can do that.
But I'm not gonna carry your naked ass
into the tub. You got a curtain on, bro.
Are you kidding me?
I saved your life yesterday.
Oh, my God!
I knew you were gonna bring that up!
Of course I brought it up!
I saved your life,
you won't even carry me!
I'll do anything else!
I'll clean this fucking pigsty,
but I'm not gonna carry you.
You wouldn't be standing here!
You can't lift me and take me to the tub?
You know what? I'll drag you there, but
I'm not gonna cradle you like a newborn.
I'm not gonna do that.
- You're gonna drag me there?
- Yeah.
Once you drag me there, you have
to lift me up into the tub anyway.
- So just grab me and get it over with.
- Fine!
You're such a homophobe.
Stop calling me that!
- You won't even look at me!
- You'd have to be gay
for me to be homophobic towards you!
You're using it incorrectly
and irresponsibly.
Argh! Ow!
God, you're fucking hurting me, man.
- Let's just get it over with!
- You're making it worse!
I'm not gonna argue semantics with you.
- Oh!
- Oh, my God, dude!
- Oh, no!
- Grab the curtain! Go!
I'm trying! I can't feel floor!
- Oh, God.
JON: Oh, my God. Dude.
Oh, man.
CASTILLO: I'm sorry, bro!
Did you break anything? You okay?
No, I don't think so.
Oh, my gosh!
- Hey, man.
- Yeah?
Did I feel you face-plant
into my pubic mound?
No! There was no contact whatsoever.
Are you sure? Because I could've sworn
I felt either your nose or your lips?
Nothing touched, bro. Nothing touched.
- Oh...
There might have been
a little bit of contact.
I fucking knew it! I felt it!
You face-planted my bag!
I think this is God's way of
getting back to me
for all the shit that I said
about your wife yesterday.
(STUTTERS) That was really shitty of me,
man. I'm sorry.
It's all right.
Yeah, but still, if someone would have
said that shit to me,
I wouldn't have risked my life to
save theirs 10 minutes later.
I mean, it's pretty unbelievable.
You know you're the second person
to save my life?
Yeah? Who was the first?
My ex-partner.
Agent Glade.
Agent Glade?
What do you mean, Agent Glade?
I'm FBI.
- You're FBI?
- Yup.
Are you working the armored car jobs?
Oh, I'm not working them.
We're working them.
Oh, you were right about that
helicopter pilot that jumped.
He had a second home.
There's no way he could afford it
on a cop's salary.
He had to have been dirty.
We gotta go check it out.
You get in this tub with me right now.
I'm gonna wash you from
head to toe, Ponch-y.
- You need help?
- Huh?
- Help?
- No, I got it.
- You sure?
- Yup.
Oh, shit!
Okay. I'm good.
- Oh, God!
- Sorry.
- Come on!
- Okay.
They moved all this stuff in on a Sunday,
but I don't think they
actually ever slept here.
They? Another woman?
No, it was a man. His partner.
You know.
- Oh, yeah.
- Mmm-hmm. We dig.
Where's the workbench?
- Is there a garage?
- Yeah. I'll show you.
Five dollars says there's a workbench.
Five dollars.
Gun safe. Workbench.
Five dollars.
Was his boyfriend on the lease?
Uh, yeah.
Barton. David Barton.
Oh, shit!
Who's David Barton?
That was the guard that was being held at
gunpoint when TJ jumped, who's now MIA.
That's brutal.
His boyfriend was being
held hostage by chance?
Not by chance. No way.
I'm sure they were all working together.
So they must have fucked over LT.
We need round two with TJ's wife.
See ya, buddy.
CASTILLO: Jesus, dude,
you eat more pills than Elvis.
Hey, I know you were joking back there,
but I want you to know
I don't abuse my medication.
Oh, I wasn't joking.
How often do you shit?
- How often do I shit?
- Yeah.
The normal amount.
Like every two or three weeks.
- That's a problem.
- What?
That is a problem.
That's the first sign of opiate addiction.
Why would I wanna shit more often?
I mean,
shitting is a total waste of man's time.
But it's not. Shitting is so good.
It's man's last refuge.
I'm busy. Please, don't come back.
No, no, no, Miss Jackson.
We just want justice for TJ.
Don't you want that?
So, you were just trying
to keep TJ's pension?
Somebody knew about TJ and Barton,
and they were using that against him.
We'll need your help
to see who that could be.
PARISH: I see you around this house again,
I will be in your ass
with a boot.
- Motherfucker!
- JOY: What are you doing?
I told you to stay away from here!
- Ponch!
- Ah!
JOY: My cats! My babies!
Get out, now!
- JOY: Oh, God!
Not the vases! No, no, no!
You little shit!
Get over here, you punk bitch!
- JOY: What are you doing?
No, no, no. Put it back!
He's out!
JOY: What the hell?
Oh, oh.
I am so sorry.
Uh, we had no choice.
Except maybe that last one.
That was a little excessive.
JON: Do you have a vacuum?
CASTILLO: All right.
We're on the same team, man.
Let's stop kicking each other's asses.
I'm not gonna let anyone fuck with
my dead partner's widow.
Who all knew about TJ and Barton?
Listen, man, I didn't know about that shit
until just now
and we were partners eight years.
The guy pointing the gun at Barton
damn well knew.
- Was he friends with an "LT"?
- Which one?
There was more than one?
There's more than one "LT"?
You mean "lieutenant,"
or someone actually named "LT"?
LT. Lieutenant.
It was right there the whole time.
CASTILLO: Those are all the active
lieutenants at Central.
JON: Okay.
Geek. Weirdo.
Woman. No. Woman. No.
Oh-oh! Of course! Ray Kurtz!
Look at this psycho. Come on.
- Not a good guy, right?
- Not a good guy.
Never sent a Mother's Day card,
fucking hates koala bears.
- Boom! That's our guy.
- That's the guy!
I should go get us some new bikes.
Fast ones like theirs.
You're gonna get us new bikes?
Not me personally. I can't afford them,
but you got that fed money, right?
I do have that fed money.
- Come on!
Perfecto, perfecto.
- Look at those!
- Let's get out of here, man.
Huh? No, you gotta see the suits!
I got us suits.
- Suits?
- You're gonna love this.
- What were you guys saying?
- Huh?
What were you guys saying?
Uh, they just said they liked the bikes.
Oh, you guys built them, so, cool.
Are you guys talking shit on me?
- What are they saying?
- No...
I feel like, he was pointing at my dick
and I heard "pequeo. "I think is "tiny,"
right? Or small, or something?
Oh, no, he said that you look so buff
that you make the bikes look tiny.
Strong man!
But then he pointed at my crotch.
Because that's where the bikes go.
- Oh...
Of course, man! Well, thank you, dude.
You're pretty ripped, too.
- What'd he say?
- He said, "You know what? Ride safe."
Oh, cool, man. Thank you.
All right. Let's do it.
Man, I really like those guys.
We should get a beer with them.
Yeah, totally, man!
I'm sure they would love it!
AVA: Why are they on those?
And why aren't they wearing shit brown?
CASTILLO: Watch this.
I'm gonna make him give up his whole crew.
- Wow!
We heard this was your spot.
Man, what is that? Four, four-fifty?
That's "World's Strongest Man" shit.
I think it's 350.
You guys kinda caught me
in the middle of it.
Why don't you come back in
an hour and a half or so, when I'm gone?
No, right now is good.
We'll just shadow you.
Are you gonna lift this?
You're gonna lift this.
- Whoa!
Hey, how did you know about TJ?
His wife didn't even know.
I can't imagine anyone
trusting you with a secret.
Not like that.
Unless they were part of your crew.
I can't imagine anyone trusting you
with their life. Oh...
Wait, your partner.
He did just before he got gunned down
in front of you.
Oh, so, you know something about me.
I know something about you.
In 24 years with the CHP, LT,
you shot and killed five suspects.
- Great job. Very thorough.
- Very thorough.
- You know what confuses me?
- Hmm?
That you have
an Italian name, Poncherello.
Why didn't they give you
a Guatemalan name
or Taiwanese,
or whatever the fuck you are?
Yeah, and you know what's confusing to me?
That in your file, there's no mention
of you killing TJ, Brill, or Stevens.
But I can put it in there
because I don't mind paperwork.
- He doesn't. He loves paperwork.
- I don't really care.
You think I'm Haitian or Cuban,
from Miami?
I'm law, motherfucker, the old kind.
If you had something on me,
we'd be in the box right now,
but you got nothin'!
So, why don't you fuck off
and get a motorcycle lesson?
God damn it.
- What?
- Shit!
- You were great back there.
- No, I wasn't.
I loved that part when you were like, uh,
"I don't mind doing paperwork."
- Now you're making fun of me. Shut up!
- That was tight. Seriously.
You couldn't have known
he was going to go all silverback.
That was impressive.
- Shut up, man.
- He got scary.
No, he's not that fucking cool.
That guy's pretty fucking punk rock,
that guy. I kinda like him.
Dude, no. He's not that fucking cool.
He was bench-pressing 450 pounds!
- Oh, my God! That was 350 pounds!
- No way!
Would you stop? Would you table it?
He's not gonna talk, okay?
That's the main point.
We gotta get one of his crew that will.
We need to fucking focus right now...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey. Excuse me?
- What?
Are you kidding me right now?
What's the problem?
You just said we have to focus,
and you're already bird-dogging ass?
Ponch, this is a problem.
I'm sorry, man.
I'm kinda powerless
when it comes to yoga pants.
- Okay.
- Can you do me a favor?
- Yeah.
Is there double-stitching on the side
with a banana grundle?
A banana grundle? What's a banana grundle?
It's the fucking gusset, bro.
It's the gusset.
Okay, I'll look.
I don't know these things, all right?
Yeah, I guess. Banana grundle.
Oh, my God. They're Lululemons.
What? Lululemons?
What are Lululemons?
It's like wrapping on a woman's body,
dude, that's what it is.
- Here they come.
- Act cool.
- Hey!
- Hey, superheroes.
- Hey.
- Hey, are you okay?
Do you need to find a toilet?
- Okay.
- I think so.
- You think you can ride with that?
- I don't know.
Let's you get out of this parking lot.
You have a visible erection. Let's go.
(GROANS) Oh, Dad.
Can you just close it?
Come on, get up. Get up, get up.
Come on, get up.
Can't spend all day and night
in bed in the dark.
You oughta go to a gym or something,
and get your endorphins pumping.
Yes, sir.
Come on.
You gotta stay healthy for one week.
One week, stay outta trouble.
We'll be surfing, drinking Mai Tais.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna do it.
Yeah, there's no point in me doing this
without you, you know?
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I love you, kiddo.
I love you.
Oh, shit.
PETERSON: AMEX just called to verify
a $48,000 charge. What the fuck?
We needed new gear and new bikes.
It's totally legit.
Legit? You gotta put in
for that kind of money!
Are you crazy?
It just seemed time-sensitive.
You got a break,
or were you actively in pursuit?
A break? No, we have the guy.
Ray Kurtz, he's our man.
Is he in custody?
Uh, we don't have anything
super concrete yet.
Are you joking?
Allen's got a legitimate lead,
and it didn't cost him a goddamn penny!
He's walking around like
he's some goddamn genius!
Allen doesn't have shit.
He found out there were
marked bills in that 12.6
and he tracked it to a drug house
in Venice.
Who's passing the bills?
Guy on a motorcycle.
Five bills on separate trips,
all late morning.
Okay, what's the address?
No, no, no!
They're already there.
DEA cleared them, not you.
You screw up a DEA operation
on top of that 48K,
your ass is gonna be back in Miami!
Wait, Clay's there, and I'm not?
You better stop working that California
pussy and start working the case!
Oh, good, you're early.
I'm glad you're here. We gotta run.
Hey, uh, who's that woman in there?
Oh, she's still here?
- Thanks for everything.
- Oh, don't worry about it.
- Call me.
- Okay.
I'm watching you.
I wanna...
You stayin' out here, bro?
Yeah, for sure.
CASTILLO: That's gotta be them.
JON: What?
That's gotta be them right there.
What is that,
some kind of special FBI app?
It's "Find My iPhone."
I have Clay's password.
You don't have my password, do you?
Yeah, I do. "The Baker, 1980."
(WHISPERING) Yeah, that's it.
- We just wait now?
- Yeah.
Hey, can I ask you something?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Look, we're becoming friends,
and I don't wanna make you uncomfortable.
But that girl that was
leaving your apartment...
I just hope that you're not
preying on girls
with low self-esteem
to feed your addiction.
Low self-esteem? What?
I mean, look... She was a,
and I'm being generous here, a two...
A two?
She deserves more than a one-night stand.
She seemed nice.
Are you crazy? That girl's an eight!
You think she's an eight?
How are you judging them? By their hair?
How straight their teeth are? Their skin?
- I don't understand.
- Yeah.
That's really shallow, bro. Come on.
Tina's really confident, man,
and really sexy.
I mean, that's sexy.
She's a full-blown eight.
I hope you're right, man.
Real talk.
She ate my butt.
I'm sorry, she did what?
She ate my butt. (CLICKS TONGUE)
She ate your ass?
- Yeah.
- Did you eat hers?
- Of course!
- "Of course"?
What are you talking about?
- That's standard.
- You think that's standard?
- Absolutely.
- To eat someone's ass?
- You think that's standard?
- Yes.
That is not standard.
You know what it is?
You've been married for way too long.
Everyone's eating everyone's ass now.
There is no way
everybody's eating everyone's ass.
- Everyone's eating everyone's ass.
- No, it's impossible!
- Everyone is not.
- They are.
What about hygiene?
Oh, easy.
If you go to the bathroom, and you see
some baby wipes, green light.
Okay, what if you don't see baby wipes?
I still do it.
Fuck it, right?
I'm only here once, you know?
- Oh-oh, is that our guy?
JON: Listen, I gotta tell you something.
I cannot shoot. I can't aim.
- Are you serious?
- CASTILLO: Yes, I'm serious.
Okay, don't shoot.
I do all the shooting, okay?
Okay, I'll corral them to you.
Okay, here we go.
I'm gonna post up on the corner.
Just let me know as soon as he's rolling.
Copy that.
Oh, this is gonna smell bad.
Oh, fuck.
JON: Oh, whoa!
Oh! Oh, my God!
Get down. Get down!
- Jon, get 'em!
Oh, shit!
Go, go, go!
Castillo's inside. Get down here.
CLAY: Shit!
Oh, no!
I'm so sorry.
That was like being inside of a corpse.
This is 7-MARY-3 and 4. We're southbound
on Lincoln Boulevard and Rose.
In pursuit of red Ducati Hypermotard.
Fuck that.
JON: Out of the way!
Police! Get out of the way.
JON: Ponch, what's your 20?
I'm somewhere in the parking structure.
Fuck, shit.
Over and out!
Damn it!
Hey, why is he chasing you?
It went sideways.
Hey, where'd they go?
Towards the ocean!
MAN: You can't ride motorcycles
on the beach!
What's on the other side of these dunes?
Well, the beach ends,
and then it's Ballona Creek.
JON: What do you mean, it ends? (GRUNTS)
CASTILLO: Holy shit!
BOTH: Holy shit!
JON: Ponch, we're exiting the LA river.
CASTILLO: I'm on it.
CASTILLO: Where are you, buddy?
JON: East.
Riding east, over the 4th Street bridge!
Let's get those legs. Get the front.
Hey, the bridge is closed!
JON: Set up a road block on both sides
and box them in.
Okay, drive down 6th Street! Right here.
- Get out of the way!
What was that?
It was paparazzi! It's fine!
Go, go, go!
Fucking assholes!
BRIAN: LT, it's getting fucked.
Stay in character.
I'll make a hole!
- What's going on?
- Training exercise.
Cop to cop, what is it?
(SCOFFS) Oh, my God. You are a cop.
Look at that.
That's so cute.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit, he's fucking dead.
- Jon!
(BREATHILY) Oh, God. Jon!
Hey, Jon. Oh, fuck.
Come on, buddy.
which way did the black truck go?
No, no, forget that.
Land the bird!
Jon needs to be airlifted.
What's the call?
We're setting it down.
Come on, stay with us, buddy.
Stay with us, Jon.
Come on!
WOMAN: (ON PA) Dr. Louis, extension 3426.
Jesus, booked the whole damn floor.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Looking for Jon?
- Yeah.
Oh, he's just in there.
Oh, cool. How are you doing?
Oh, body's a little sore,
but I'm okay.
They just discharged me.
Oh, good.
Yeah, I was kind of scared
- when I saw your car frisbee like that.
But, I'm glad you're all right.
Me, too. (SIGHS)
Jon's in...
Oh, yeah, that's right. Okay, cool.
Text me when you get home?
I will.
- See you in a bit.
- Mmm-hmm.
Text me.
WOMAN: (OVER PA) Dr. Tanaka to OR-3.
KAREN: Hi, it's Karen from SwimTech.
- Leave me a message.
Hey, Karen, this is, uh, Ponch,
Jon's partner.
I'm with Jon at the LA Memorial.
Uh, you should get here
as quick as possible.
He's in bad shape.
How are you feeling?
You sure?
How's your body?
Don't lie.
Photographic evidence?
Fuck, yeah.
(WHISPERING) Oh, shit.
Ooh, Nice toes.
Wait, slow down. Slower, slower.
Oh, fuck.
Just a little bit.
Oh, wow.
I didn't know you had those.
Wow, those look huge.
Those look big tonight. Wait.
They always look this huge,
- Officer Pantera.
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh! Oh!
- What was that sexy scream?
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh, no.
Someone prematurely ejaculated.
- Can you manage?
- Got it.
Last one.
So, what's the plan now, babe?
The second Brian gets out
of the hospital,
you, Cooper, and Hansen,
you head up to Big Bear.
You wait for the Brunei flight.
You get the painting and get out of there.
And until then?
Business as usual. They only know me.
Ray, I'm really sorry about, um...
Do you want to talk about him?
No, I do not.
Maybe after
I take care of your little boyfriend.
So, he brings in a goat and a donkey...
CLAY: I'm gonna kill you.
When I am healed,
I am gonna physically destroy you.
Get the fuck out of my room.
Call Peterson. He's looking for you.
My phone's broken. I can't.
You torpedo the entire case,
and you broke your phone.
I didn't torpedo it. We have
a suspect's head. That's a victory.
Three officers and two agents
are hospitalized,
all for a severed head nobody can ID.
That's a victory to you?
Listen, I'm sorry that I shot you again.
I'm sorry.
Get on the bed! Get on the bed!
You ever been
in a scissor hold, motherfucker?
There he is.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Where's your breathing tube?
That was a really sexy look for you.
I also have a catheter in
and I didn't wanna be too sexy
for the staff.
Mmm-hmm, yeah. Tone it down a little bit.
Are you posted here?
I came to see you, dummy,
and just wanted to brag
about saving your life.
You saved my life?
I gave you CPR
and I breathed life back into you.
So, when I went out cold,
you ran in and tried to kiss me?
- And you said it was CPR?
Not quite! Um...
That's a little gross because
you kind of remind me of my dad.
Wait, your dad was a cop?
God, no.
He was just a fuck-up, kind of like you.
Mmm. So flattering.
I was wondering, when you get discharged,
if you wanted to, um,
take a ride back home with me?
I'm available.
I already left my wife a message, and
I'm pretty sure she's gonna pick me up.
Is this the same wife
that hasn't been here once?
You haven't met her.
I'd appreciate it
if you didn't bag on her.
I'll see you around.
Pull a fucking gun on me?
- I didn't know it was you!
- You're not gonna answer your phone?
You're gonna make me fly to fucking LA
to talk to you?
My phone was broken.
I was trying to activate it...
I told you to stay away from
that drug house.
You gotta stop shooting Allen!
I didn't do it on purpose!
It was an accident.
I was trying to shoot Ray Kurtz.
Well, you missed, and he's gone.
You fucked up this whole case
and when I called your captain
to find out where you were,
she told me she hadn't heard from you
since you initiated a sexual exchange
with her at 1:00 a.m.
That was my bad. That was on me.
- That was an accident.
- You fucking pervert!
Just goddamn nasty!
I was trying to text
with this girl, Lindsey...
You're fired!
You're on the 11:00 a.m. back to Miami
and guess what, I'm keeping your gun.
Can we just go with a warning,
instead of a full-fledged fire?
If you had been doing your job
instead of looking at all this juicy,
LA booty they got out here,
things wouldn't be so bad.
Hands down,
the best app for meeting girls.
I just keep swiping until I meet one.
- No kidding?
- Yeah.
Now, when you get intimate
with these gals,
is oral expected?
Like, with the butt?
Oh, yeah. That's standard, boss.
- That's standard?
- (CHUCKLES) Yes, sir.
Wow, things have changed!
- Hey, it was great meeting you.
- Hey, you too.
You have a good one. Be safe out there.
Yeah, enjoy that app, right? Wow.
KAREN: Hi, it's Karen from SwimTech.
Leave me a message.
JON: Oh!
- Hey!
- Oh, Ponch!
Man, am I happy to see you!
I'm sorry about this.
I just got my phone working.
I got all your messages.
Dude, I'm so happy you're here.
- Good to see you, buddy.
- Thank you for coming.
I'm really sorry, man.
I would've been here when you woke up,
but I was buying a new phone.
No, man, it's good. I'm all good.
What do you mean, you're good?
You got hit by a truck.
but my titanium humerus
took most of the hit.
It was only a five.
Five out of what?
Out of ten.
- Then what's a 10?
- Scrotal tear, which I've had.
Nuts unravel down your leg.
It's gruesome.
- JON: What?
- I know.
- You sexted with Captain Lindel?
- I did.
Ponch-y, she's a senior!
That's pathological.
She's old. She's up there.
How was her body?
What did that look like?
I mean, it was tight. (MUMBLING)
- It was tight?
- She's confident, you know?
That's sexy. That's really sexy.
Whoa, whoa, what the fuck is this?
Put that, uh, right in the living room.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Thank you so much.
- Excuse me, hey.
- Hey.
What are you doing?
We're moving in. Are you my neighbor?
I'm Amy.
You're moving into my house, though.
So, no, I'm not your neighbor.
This is my house.
No, this was Karen and Rick's house,
and now it's my house
because I bought it.
What's wrong, not enough chili?
No, I'm just not very hungry.
Dude, I know you love Karen,
but can I just say one thing about her?
Dude, she's an asshole.
She's a dick.
Like, end of story.
I actually figured out
why you're so hell-bent on keeping her.
She's the only thing left
of your glory days. You know?
Like, the money's gone. Fans are gone.
Now, the house.
She's like that last bit of proof
that it even happened
and I think you're afraid
that if you lose her,
you've officially lost it all.
For a guy
who won't say the word "closure,"
that was a pretty profound observation.
- Yeah.
- Goddamn you, Ponch-y.
I'm tired now.
I wish you would've told me this
five years ago.
Mmm, that is career-ending.
You know what sucks?
This is our only lead,
and there's no way to track this guy.
There's no dental records.
He's never been finger-printed.
Oh, my God! This is Reed Junior!
- Who?
- Reed Junior!
I used to compete against him.
- Reed Junior?
- That's Grieves' cousin!
The dude I touched dicks with
in the locker room.
Remember? And he was talking
about his cousin.
What's his full name?
I don't know. He competed as Reed Junior.
Type in "Reed Junior."
Ray Kurtz, dude! That's Ray's son!
- Oh, my God!
- That's Ray's son!
No, we go! We leave.
We go? Okay.
Holy shit!
Slow down.
Captain Lindel.
Oh, my God.
What took you so long?
- No, this is not what it's about.
- Oh.
I was gonna say the head in the helmet,
that's Ray's son
and Brian Grieves is his nephew,
who's in the hospital.
And we need to send people over
to get him in custody ASAP.
Also, I need a gun,
and I need to be sworn in as an officer
of the California Highway Patrol.
But you're an FBI agent?
I know, but I was fired. Your honesty
- was largely to blame for that.
I'm sorry.
I was feeling a little abandoned.
I get it. But can you swear me in?
I'll swear you in if you sexy scream.
No, just swear me in, please.
- Please?
- You know the oath?
When we get to the hospital,
we do all the questioning, okay?
Yeah. Okay.
(READING) "Come now,
just you and your partner."
What's that?
Look at this.
Are you sexting with Karen?
No, you idiot!
She's handcuffed to a pole.
She's being held hostage.
Oh, my God.
Okay. He dropped a pin.
That's where she's at.
That's across the street from
the Devil's Punchbowl.
We gotta take the bikes.
Wait! Let's just think about this.
Why are we gonna risk our life
to save your dirtbag ex-wife's?
She stole your house.
You kicked my weak knee,
said my wife was fucking someone else,
and I still saved your life.
You save someone when you can, Ponch.
That's what a person does,
especially an officer of the law
who just took the oath.
You can't even ride.
Listen, I've done back flips
with worse injuries than this.
We're gonna need backup.
Clearly, he blames us for Reed.
We don't know who in this department
is in on this.
- I trust you, and you trust me.
- That's true.
We're like Jay-Z and Beyonc.
We're fucking ride or die.
Where's Officer Grieves?
He was discharged an hour ago.
Well, did someone pick him up?
A police officer, female, super pretty.
Plane leaves at Thursday at 3:00 p.m.
out of Global Air in Van Nuys.
There'll be a week's worth of provisions
in the cabin.
When should we expect you?
You should not.
All right, spoke with the nurse,
says that he left with a super pretty
CHP officer.
So, it has to be Lindsey.
- Yeah.
She's radio silent right now,
but GPS has her car
12 miles east of Palmdale.
Let's do it, folks.
CASTILLO: That is some cold shit, man,
riding the dead son's bike.
You kidnap my wife,
I ride your dead son's bike.
Fuck him.
How the fuck is that thing gaining on us?
He's a fucking warlock, man!
Hey, what are you doing?
I can't do it.
I can't leave my uncle by himself.
He told us to hide out in the cabin.
He was very clear.
You're free to do that, all right,
but you're dropping me off first.
JON: There's the Devil's Punchbowl.
It's gotta be on the right.
CASTILLO: What are you doing?
JON: Looking for a chink in the armor.
Oh, bingo!
CASTILLO: No, don't hit that!
I can't jump!
You can do it.
You don't even know
what's on the other side!
I know it's better than
what's on this side.
Come on, Ponch! You can do it!
Just do it, man! Just hit it!
Just full-throttle hit it!
You gotta do it, just come over!
- Come on over, okay?
You got this! You can make it!
I didn't make it!
Dude! You okay?
- Damn it! Fuck!
- You okay?
This way. Come on, she's over here.
JON: Okay, we're here. It's okay.
Jon! Oh, thank God!
I knew you'd come. Oh, thank God.
Oh, I need your gun.
I'm so happy to see you.
Dude, enough with the gratitude, okay?
Let's go!
Let's go.
Get in!
- Oh, my fingers!
- Oh, my God!
- He shot my fingers off.
It's not superficial! Look!
It's okay. They can reattach them.
They can reattach them! It's fine.
No, they're gone, dude!
Hold on. Let me see if I can see them.
- Okay.
I see them.
Go get them.
Okay, I'm going in.
Oh, shit! Damn it!
Here, put them in your pocket.
There you go.
There's only two of them!
- Huh?
- There's only two!
You're gonna have to make do!
Two is enough!
No! I want my fucking pinky!
MAN: They're coming at us! Go, go, go!
- Go, go, go!
- KAREN: Ah! Jon!
Get up, you fucking rat! Get up!
Eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
- A fucking head for a head!
Cover me!
That was my son!
Oh, I'm sorry.
RAY: Get up!
Are you okay?
Yeah. Take my gun.
No. You're a better shot than me.
CASTILLO: How am I supposed to do it?
Like Jimi Hendrix-style,
with my fucking teeth? Take it!
Man up, Jon!
Yeah, okay. I'll do it.
Oh, shit.
KAREN: Jesus, Jon!
Just hit him, Jon!
Okay, you're hitting 10 to the right.
You gotta aim 10 to the left, okay? Go!
- Are you aimed 10 to the left?
- Yeah, but...
Dude, that was 10.
No, it wasn't! That was more like 20.
Dude, you think he's in one piece?
Come on!
Stay down!
Give me your fucking arm! Stay down!
What's your plan? The doors are all shut.
Where we're going, we don't need doors.
JON: Is this the same hole
you crashed into earlier?
CASTILLO: I think it is.
Watch out! Jesus!
He's up!
God damn it.
Go, go, go! He's getting away!
LINDSEY: Put your hands behind your back.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You didn't see that coming.
Hot and helpful! See, it's not either or.
JON: Hey, Ray. How do those cuffs feel?
Repeat the question.
Go ahead!
You're with this piece of shit?
Shut up!
Let me get this straight.
You knew
that I killed three of my co-workers,
but you thought it was okay
to kill my son?
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
No. Your beef's with the steel cable,
not us.
We were just chasing him.
You weren't as good as Reed.
My son should be here with me right now.
Not you.
- BOTH: Whoa!
- What the... Oh, my God, dude!
Oh, my God. Dude, that's a ricochet.
BOTH: Whoa!
Stay down, gorgeous asshole!
Dude, your arm is straight up titanium,
like a Terminator's arm!
Yeah. I told you.
Oh, whoa. Do you feel this?
Uh, yeah, a little bit.
Like a two out of ten.
- Whoa.
- LINDSEY: Get off of me!
You feel this?
- Ah! Oh!
- I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
God, don't touch my nubs!
I won't. Help me up.
- Come on.
we gotta find an ambulance.
- What?
- Oh! We gotta get your pinky!
- Oh, duh! Thanks.
- Yeah, it's over here.
JON: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Stop, stop, stop!
Back up, you're on Ponch's pinky!
I saw a look on your face tonight
I haven't seen in years,
not since you competed.
I can tell you really like this thing,
being a cop.
Yeah, I really do,
maybe even more than riding.
Do you want me to ride in the ambulance
with you?
No, I'm good. You're kind of a dick.
I'm gonna ride with Ponch.
Take care, Karen.
Hey, you all right?
Yeah, are you okay?
You tackled her like crazy.
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm a fucking beast.
Hey, do you wanna ride with us?
It depends. Are you gonna put out?
Yeah, ass, cash, or grass.
I know the rules.
Hey, that's looking really awful.
You want some morphine?
That'd be nice.
Um, excuse me, Ava?
Uh, yes, Jon?
I'm really sorry
I didn't take that ride home with you
from the hospital.
That was just a very stupid decision.
I'm sorry I said mean things
about your wife.
Even if she is a piece of shit,
it's just not nice.
- It's okay.
- Thank you.
You look a little short of breath.
Do you need some CPR?
- So bad. Really bad.
- Yeah?
Oh, oof.
(WHISPERING) I'm so proud of this guy.
- Get it, Jon. Get it.
- Oof.
We should be good though.
Yeah. (SPEAKS IN SPANISH) Be classy.
Always classy.
- Let them do their thing.
- Yeah.
- Hey, um... Hey, Ponch?
- Mm-hmm?
Could you maybe speak in Spanish,
so I don't understand what you're saying?
- No problem.
- Thanks, boss.
I speak Spanish, pervs.
- CASTILLO: Yes, sir?
PETERSON: Hey, how'd you like
to come back to Miami?
I wanna give you your job back.
CASTILLO: Yeah, I appreciate that,
but I actually love it out here.
(SINGING) California love!
California knows how to party
Knows how to party.
In the city of LA.
In the city of good ol' Watts.
In the city, the city of Compton.
Keep it rocking.
Keep it rocking.
Now let me welcome everybody
to the wild, wild west