Choking Hazard (2004) Movie Script

Reason and Instinct
must be in balance, Verner!
When you gain instinct,
I'll be back! (Doctor Reinis)
Today, we will begin
searching inside ourselves
for both Reason and Instinct.
We can't start such a journey
with ideas that numb our minds.
We have to doubt everything.
Only by shaking things up,
will we find the right road.
Only then we will find
what we are searching for
and quench our thirst.
What actually is
the meaning of existence?
You will learn that here and now.
Here we go.
Hi. My name is Martin Verner
and this is my course video.
- You have to tighten the stand.
- I know, but it doesn't work.
Try that little wheel.
No, on the left side.
Don't you see it?
Hi, my name is Tereza Lefnerova
and this is Mirek Nedobyl.
We help organize the course
and we've gotten
a lot out of it.
It was time to get up
a half hour ago.
There was
a great party yesterday,
but I don't remember
a damn thing about it.
Maybe... Oh, what's his name?
Radek? Maybe Radek remembers.
- I'm not Radek.
- No?
Wasn't there a Radek?
Who is it then?
Aha, Tomas!
A ritual is a set
of actions you do every day.
Sometimes they're called neuroses.
My video for our course
on the meaning of life
should demonstrate my worldview.
No, that's a bit too accurate...
I better erase this.
This is my kitty.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Here's the star of the morning:
My roommate and friend,
Klara Hanusova.
- And this is Krenovcova.
- Why'd you run off yesterday?
It was really boring.
Look, you have to endure the
first 3 hours of every party:
It's the law of the long fuse.
Then everything explodes.
- As if anyone noticed I was gone.
- You and your complexes.
Besides, I thought that you
liked that guy... Tomas.
- What?
- And here he is.
So will you come
with me on the weekend?
Me and Klara are going.
If you come you won't regret it.
It'll be fun.
It'll be more
educational than fun.
You left, so I got him instead.
I liked Radek better anyway.
- This is too much!
- Beg your pardon?
I meant Mr. Verner here.
The last shot was too much.
And what was it?
What made you so upset?
He drew a swastika
on the mirror.
Take your pick: I'm either
a Nazi or a philosopher.
A delinquent, more like.
What direction did
the ends of the symbol point?
- Left.
- Just as I thought.
Mr. Verner is trying
to get our attention.
It wasn't the "hakenkreuz",
the symbol of the Nazi movement.
The ends would have been
pointing to the right.
The first swastika, a sun symbol
in Mongolia, is the reverse.
How many philosophers
in bomber jacket confuse that?
Some people think that's
how Hitler tried to change
white magic into black.
In the best nihilistic
tradition, Mr. Verner's implying
that there is no difference
between good and evil.
- Lf I'm not mistaken.
- You are. I'm implying nothing.
Yes. That is also
very nihilistic.
Well, if your life resembles
what you've shown us,
no wonder
you're looking for meaning.
Now we have learned something
about ourselves and each other.
And that's the start of what
we're going to do this weekend.
I think that Mr. Verner's video
has nothing to do with-
Mr. Nedobyl, the discussion
is scheduled for Sunday.
The beginning of the hunt
Friday, September 12, 9:08 PM
Francis Bacon said it's
impossible to finish the contest
without setting the right goal.
But what is the goal
of human life?
At the beginning
everything is clear.
The sperm's goal is to fertilize
the ovum. That's a clear goal.
At birth, our only goal is
to suckle at our mother's breast
to increase
our chances of surviving.
Then what?
Our goals start to dissolve.
How is graduating from school
related to the meaning of life?
Does life
actually even have any meaning?
Night is coming,
animals head for sleep.
You should beware
of the black forest deep.
Woodsmen hunt the weak
not the brave.
And they won't put flowers
on your grave.
Horns ring out,
so good hunting!
You may as well kneel
and bow your head;
Woodsmen from hell
will see you dead.
You may as well kneel
And bow your head;
Woodsmen from hell
will see you dead.
The usual response to this query
is to create an alternative goal
and to hold on to it.
There are five types of these
basic alternative goals.
First: Work or a career.
Second: Hobbies and interests.
Third: Alcohol or drugs.
Fourth: Faith.
And fifth: Family life.
Not to yield to one of these
easy alternative paths
requires a great redirection
of will and eternal vigilance.
This gets us to the main problem
with most philosophers.
Their wisdom
is reflected in their lives.
And often in their deaths,
as well.
Time for a break.
Coffee for me.
What are you having?
- Absinthe.
- That's a good drink.
- I don't like it.
- Why's he drinking it then?
Because he's a poser.
The taste is overrated.
So what do you two think
about what the doctor said.
Pretty interesting.
Maybe it was an interesting
display of intellect...
- But it's still just bullshit.
- And what did you expect?
- Why did you come here anyway?
- Hell if I know.
Come on out...
I -just -wanted to - pick you - up!
You mushroom!
I'm gonna stir-fry, you pig!
INSTINC Socrates said: "By drinking
the poison a little later:
I should be sparing and saving
a life which is already gone:
I could only laugh at myself
for this."
That's how a philosopher
should die.
Johann Fichte
died in 1814 of typhus
which he contracted from his
wife, a nurse at a hospital.
Of course, if he had contracted
casual syphilis.
Bon apptit, Mr. Verner.
Then his death
wouldn't have been so dignified.
That's how
a philosopher should die.
Nietzsche collapsed on the street
at the age of forty-two.
That would have been a good death
if it hadn't occurred as a result
of yelling at some teamster
for whipping his horse.
That's not how
a philosopher should die.
Yeah, you're right, I'm a porn
actor. Are you sure this is it?
Yeah, there's no other
isolated motel around here.
Can I ask you
of your autograph, Mr. Donti?
- I don't have any of your
videos here... - That's alright.
Wow! Super!
Here's "Too Thick A Cream".
Wow, thanks!
Hey, are Silvia's tits real?
- Are you making a movie today?
- Yeah.
"Uncle Tom's Cabin" - vol. 8.
Loosely based on Harriet B. Stowe.
- I'm doing two anals today.
- Oh, I dig Stowe.
- And they're fake.
- Really?
Like Fellini says:
Film is a fraud. See ya.
So long.
Some tribes in the Amazon have
lived in the forest so long,
they can't see farther
than a few hundreds yards.
Even out in the open,
they can see no farther.
Hey there.
- You're late.
- I'm sorry, I couldn't find it.
Everyone's looking for something.
We're just glad you're here.
- Are we doing the group work today?
- Your hand feels nice. - I know.
In groups, we will get
closer to each other.
And getting closer is essential.
When are we doing couples?
That's an interesting idea:
My original intention was
to spend a lot of time together
and then you would come
to me one by one.
Well, it's your show,
but... no offence-can
you manage it at your age?
I used to handle groups
of fifty... and I did everybody.
- That was two years ago.
- Really?
You're really good.
Funny I don't
recognize any of you.
You look familiar to me.
Haven't we met?
I don't think so.
Great. Real, aren't they? You
don't see that among the pros.
At least they won't
freeze my tongue.
Guys, don't you think
silicon's too cold?
- Listen, your behavior...
- Oh... I'm sorry.
I'm Karel Mechura. You must be
the director, right?
- Got your presentation tape?
- Sure I've got it.
Let's put it on
and get to know you better.
We can make up for lost time.
Play us something seminal.
You can play with that...
I'm gonna screw that in.
Oh, here it is.
This is what I did last year.
It's a classic, a solid anal.
But I didn't use enough gel
so her moaning isn't an act.
This is a bit more
extreme situation,
an interesting gang bang,
with four of us on her, DVDA,
I over-shot a bit here,
and the camera got it.
Back to something normal:
A bit of fisting;
here we have some pissing...
This isn't very interesting
straight SM...
Clearly the best video so far.
I'm sorry. I didn't know you had
the course here. Just a mistake.
- Wrong opening.
- Wrong opening?
Yeah, opening.
No, don't explain. I get it.
I'll check in the kitchen
when they're serving dinner.
- I hope I haven't offended...
- Stop it, Verner.
I can feel the air moving.
So you all paid good money
to spend the weekend
in this empty hotel looking
for the meaning of life?
- It's not empty. There's staff.
- Dramatic difference.
Can I join you?
Do porn actors care
about the meaning of life?
Sure. More than you'd think.
They know that this ain't it.
- The porn actors are wrong.
- Relax, friends...
The discussion
is scheduled for Sunday.
I wanted to ask... about dinner.
One hour.
Mr. Danecek has just
brought the pork.
One hour?
I hope you didn't forget that
the doctor is a practicing vegan.
Actually, I almost am too.
We eat only what
has died in a natural way.
And only fruit
that has fallen from the tree.
Except the carrot, of course, with
their different growth cycle.
- Mr. Danecek has something
for him. - Really? What?
Two dead squirrels, a grass
snake and a three-day-old mole.
The doctor will be pleased.
I think sex can fulfill you
- if it's good.
- An orgasm as life's meaning?
- I know it sounds funny,
but for me it's one of the most
intense acts in a human life.
So why not, eh?
So you're all concerned
about meaning of life, right?
In that case
I've got something for you.
Something for people who think
about their role in the world.
- Christ, he's a Jehovah's Witness.
- Now I recognize you!
I always see you
at the metro station.
It's real pain in the legs.
- Will you come get it now?
- Can't you bring it here?
A few more steps won't kill you.
It's interesting that
you mention it, doctor.
Because I have something
that pretty much solves this.
We shouldn't omit God.
Or let say rather Jehovah,
because that's his name, that's how
we should call him and praise him.
We can do so through
the scriptures.
I've read the Bible. It's even
more boring than Mein Kampf.
Because thanks to the scriptures
we can learn Jehovah's name
and understand its meaning.
It's well described in the
magazine, if you open to page-
Mr. Mechura. I'm sure
you know the bible well.
Do you know what Christ said?
He said: "Go therefore and
make disciples of all nations",
That's basically
what you're doing.
Yes, but he also said
"I have overcome the world."
Doesn't Christ seem like
the biggest braggart in history?
Danecek -
Is somebody there?
I'm stupid...
Some business, eh?
See ya later.
What's the cook doing anyway?
It's never too late
to make such a decision.
It'll help you find
the meaning of life.
So, just to subscribing
to this magazine is enough?
Do you know how many copies
of "Awaken" have been printed?
22,755,000 readers
can't be wrong.
- That looks weird, huh?
- An infinity of parallel universes.
It gives me tingles.
Because the doctor is
in every single one of them,
and he's blabbering
and blabbering and blabbering.
Why are you always such a dork?
Mimesis. To merge
with the surrounding world.
- Has any of you been upstairs?
- Why?
I've saw somebody
and he seemed strange.
- Must've been a bogeyman!
- Bogeyman?
- I'll check the kitchen again.
- You were just there.
You have
to breathe down their necks
- to get proper vegan food.
- Then I'll go.
They'll ignore you. I'm going myself.
And we can continue our topic.
- Please no.
- Maybe this door is already open.
According to John Lilly
everything imaginable exists.
Oh, calm down.
It was just a bon mot.
There are zombies here!
- Great!
- That's an interesting idea.
I'm demanding my money back!
- Fuck!
- I got an idea.
- They're woodsmen. All men.
- So what?
- We'll hide in the ladies room.
- Bravo.
The broom's cracked - run!
The key!
Room 13! I'm not going in there!
Thank god.
Thank Jehovah.
- Oh no! - What?
- Where's Dr. Reinis?
What zombies?
Is this some kind of a joke?
Hello? Where's everybody?
Who is it? Is it Tereza?
If this's a joke, it's not funny
at all. Well, maybe a little.
Because humor at the expense of
the handicapped is always funny...
Gotcha! Who is this?
Is it Verner? It could be Verner.
It's just like you with your
sense of tumor. Verner, stop it.
Ouch! You bit me!
Is it a feather? A feather
on your hat! You're a woodsman!
I'm gonna be eaten
by zombie woodsmen.
That's not how
a philosopher should die.
- You left Reinis there!
- Me? All of us. Including you.
Excellent, collective guilt.
That's comforting.
- I'm not going back for him.
- I was about to say the same.
Lucky I didn't.
Now you're the bad guy.
- But I have to go get Tereza.
- Don't try to fool us.
- I can't leave her there.
- Lefnerova? Why not?
Can anyone tell me
what the fuck is going on?
- Zombie woodsmen.
- That's ridiculous, isn't it?
We came to find something that
makes sense and found nonsense.
It's not nonsense.
It makes perfect sense.
- Yeah? How?
- The end of the world.
The last hours of Satan's order.
It's your last chance to join us.
I can baptize you in the shower.
Jesus Christ...
Looks like we've got a convert.
Can you cut the shit
and figure out what to do?
- Just don't be hysterical.
- I'm not.
Has anyone got a plan?
I bet you've got one.
- Well...
- Lefnerova does his thinking.
- You act like you don't care.
- My plan is easy: Do nothing.
What kind of
a fucking plan is that?
They're gonna eat
us all anyway.
So we aren't gonna run around
and scream like in a B movie.
One should die with style.
Like a philosopher.
- I've got a plan.
- Great, finally! Out with it.
Let us pray.
I need a drink.
Hey, since the doctor is dead,
why don't you just tell me
what the meaning of life is.
- You've been here before.
- Oh, no.
It wouldn't be right.
We might die at any moment!
- Woombies are everywhere!
- Woomb-what?
Woodsmen zombies. Woombies.
Look, Tereza, tell me.
Don't fool around.
I can't tell you. You have
to reach it on your own.
Think of something, get me
to safety and I'll tell you.
- How about calling for help?
- Original.
We can call on our Lord.
Right on, Hanusova!
Have they taken over the world?
It's the usual scenario, right?
There aren't that many woodsmen
in the whole world.
Too bad there's no signal.
A signal, or a sign...
I think that's Isaiah 60.
We could nail the door shut.
Is there a hammer somewhere?
They usually put one
next to the soap and towels.
You hunting freak!
- Watch out, the bastard bites!
- The bathroom!
- We can't stand here forever.
- What're we going to do?
I ain't staying
one second longer.
So what?
Are you okay?
Yeah... We have to tie
that Antichrist up.
Let's tear up the sheets.
The maid
won't be happy about this.
Why did I have
to get lost with you?
What's that for?
If they're burning
they ain't attacking.
Maybe we shouldn't hurt them.
I've always been against
eliminating endangered species.
Even my coats are synthetic.
What?! Zombies are
an endangered species?
Seen many wandering around
This may sound strange, but
they're part of the ecosystem
and if we disturb the ecosystem
we will disturb its equilibrium...
What am I rambling about? God,
why did I come here anyway.
Why didn't I say
fuck the meaning of life
and go shopping
in London instead?
- Hey, guys...
- What?
- Please promise me something.
- What?
If one of them bites me...
I want you to make sure
I don't come back.
- Oh, come on. him...
It'd screw up Kingdom
od Heaven for me, for sure.
Look, are you a woodsman?
No. So you can't be a zombie.
Ok, I promise.
The doctor was right about
those suicidal tendencies.
This plan isn't going to work.
There are zombies in the kitchen.
The keys you saw in the
kitchen have to be to some car.
Even if the keys were there...
- Tereza.
- What?
The discussion
is scheduled for Sunday.
You're right...
We have to do something,
even if no one else does, right?
They say men are protectors
and problems solvers
but when it comes down to it we
have to do it ourselves, right?
Let's go for it. We'll showthe men how it's done.
- We're the rescue mission, right?
- Sure.
Hold him!
How come he's still moving
even though he's dead.
Who gives a shit?
How about stowing him
under the bed?
- Hope he didn't bite my jacket.
- He didn't.
- Hey, you.
- What?
- Let's fuck.
- What?
Let's fuck, you porno-Jehovist.
Hey, I might be dead
in a few minutes.
And for the first time I have
a chance to fuck a pro,
and I know it'll be hot.
- A logical consideration.
- Sorry, I can't work just now.
- Anyone got a cigarette?
- No.
- I quit.
- Me too. I'm such an idiot.
Man, he's really jonesing.
- What's the matter?
- The bastard bit me!
- Do something!
- Like what?
Fuck! It hurts!
He's changing.
He got bit and he's changing.
- Don't let him bite you!
- We shouldn't do anything rash.
There's still time
to think of something
while he's moaning there.
He's gone. Fuck, that was quick.
So, what now?
- My god, why don't you cover him?
- Jehovah.
Somebody has to do it.
- And we also have to...
- What?
- We have to be sure
he won't return. - What?!
No way. Do you think I'm crazy?
Do you think I could kill?
Why not?
Because they'd put me away,
that's why.
Your girlfriend
is tougher punishment.
You swore.
And a promise is a promise.
There's no logic in that.
Yeah, but you're the one
who thinks things make sense.
And you and Lefnerova
co-organized this course.
You're responsible for us.
I bet she wouldn't back out:
She's no wimp.
- Stop it.
- Stop what?
I can't concentrate
with you talking to me.
Any moment he might
wake up as a woodsman.
Hurry! He's waking up!
I'm not dead yet.
That makes
only 22,754,999 readers.
- You are an asshole.
- Someone's got to be.
Now finish him off.
I can't do it.
Put this on his head.
It's easier to hit the pillow.
You've got a free kick
toward self-fulfillment.
- More?
- Yeah.
He's squishy!
Is he...? Is he...?
Let's take a look.
The maid's really not
gonna be happy about this.
He's gone.
Is this some kind
of an alien slime, or what?
- That's an eye.
- An eye?
An eye.
The white of the eye.
- I wanna get out of here.
- We all do.
I don't do dead Jehovists.
- Unfortunately, we're surrounded.
- They aren't knocking anymore.
I'm sure they're still there.
Close the door, you man-eating,
drunk, sex-starved erotomaniac!
- You're not gonna do me!
- The closet!
- Stop touching me!
- It wasn't me.
- Verner is touching my tits!
- It's not me, either.
Right, I must be touching myself.
Who do you think
is holding the door as usual?
Let's go then.
No way are you gonna do me!
Another useless man.
Ever heard of the Halali motel?
Yeah. But people don't go
there very much, Tomas.
- You know my name?
- You look like a Tomas.
How about going for a coffee?
I'm off in 15 minutes.
But what about the motel?
I wouldn't fit there anyway.
- What is he doing?
- Hurry, the car!
- Yeah, but which one is it?
- Beep it!
What are you doing?
Don't open it!
- Help! Help!
- That was some rescue mission.
- What now?
- Back to the cellar!
- Hey, there's water here.
- Yeah...
Isn't there a phone?
I think the phone
is in the kitchen.
Old Woodsman?
I don't think so...
Climb on the bar!
Careful, my hands are wet!
Fry, you fuckers!
- Fry, you fuckers?
- Woodsmen...
They must be getting
slaughtered up there.
I've made a brain sponge.
Now for the phone in the kitchen.
- Not working?
- No. - What' now?
No point in going outside.
We've got a better chance here.
- Are you kidding?
- No one is getting my brain.
- Let's wait till morning.
- Then try to escape.
Watch out!
The maid
won't be happy about this.
The maid?
This is the maid.
Hey, do you think
they can feel the pain?
- I don't think so.
- Let's find out.
That's immoral.
You've saved me!
- Again!
- Of course.
You're cool!
Let's go for it.
You're not coming with us!
The hunt's second phase: Stalking
Saturday, September 13, 4:27 AM
Miroslav! What do you think
you're doing?
- It's...
- Well? What is it, Miroslav?
It's a kind of an experiment
to see if it affects them.
And that's an experiment too?
- It was Verner, not me.
- Don't follow his example.
You're a bit
of a disappointment...
You're smoking?
That's a disappointment.
What's that knocking?
It's coming from here.
- Good evening.
- What are you doing there?
This stupid door
doesn't open from the inside.
I've been knocking and yelling.
See? Why didn't you help him?
On the other hand
it's good I stayed there.
That's how I survived all this.
Let's get out of here!
What was that?
- The light went out.
- I can see that.
Something happened.
Put your clothes on.
- Why?
- We have to find the others.
- I'm not going anywhere.
- What?
- It's no use. Let's stay here.
- Don't be silly.
I'm going to lie here
until they eat me.
- We can't leave her there.
- It's too late. She's gone.
It's horrible.
Why did it go dark here?
- They turned off the power.
- How did they do that?
- They're completely idiotic!
- Not those new ones.
- Eat me, you know.
- Once was enough.
You said you didn't mind.
I didn't.
The taste is overrated.
- What is he doing?
- I believe he's eviscerating her. Cool.
We have to get out
of this motel.
No way. There's
even more of them outside.
- Don't argue, dammit. Let's go.
- I said no way.
Do you think
you're in charge here?
Watch out!
Eat it, freak!
No, not my helmet!
You've already got a hat!
Leave my helmet alone.
Piss off, you forest freak!
Hunting freak!
I'm a kung-fu legend!
Good evening.
I'm here!
Eat me!
Hey! Who wants to chew on me?
Anyone here want to eat my brain?
Jesus! Doctor!
Cogito ergo sum!
Oh, come on! Even dead
you're a pain in the neck.
A good teacher never quits
in the middle of a lesson.
We can go on with the course.
I have to accept this
like a grown-up...
Ivana! Climb up here.
Give me your hand...
I'll lift you up!
Try harder.
Come on.
I can't.
- Don't let go!
- I won't!
You perceive it completely wrong.
Look at it as a topic to ponder.
The woodsmen hunt
the weak in the herd.
Even dead, you're a nut.
You shouldn't simplify things.
Things are somewhat more
complicated than they seem.
Remember at the beginning
when I said
that Instinct and Reason
have to be in balance?
Look at the woodsmen.
The first ones were the Instinct.
But the intelligent
super-woodsmen are Reason.
- What super-woodsmen?
- Oh, so you haven't met them yet.
In a moment, they'll take care
of Hanusova. It's ironic.
She tried so hard to reach
the essence, the marrow...
You have locked me out by mistake!
They've left the blind-man!
Tough luck, Miroslav.
But your brain
will save the day.
Eat yourself, bastards!
What did the course give me?
I'd like to know that myself.
What bugs me is that
I didn't finish it
and that I didn't find out
what the meaning of life is.
Dead, we've learned all things
have both a cause and an effect.
Things come back to a person.
I've been too tough on the zombies
and this is how I ended up.
What goes around, comes around.
Yes, I recall Dr. Reinis
warning us...
Did anyone ask you anything?!
By the fact that
he let me die and denied me
the Kingdom of Heaven,
Jehovah quite disappointed me.
But I think what I'm into now
is gonna work pretty for sure.
Have you heard the term
The Wall of Fire? No?
Even Tom Cruise is a member.
Gentlemen, as representatives
of the reason... I'm sorry!
Fuck off with
that camera!
Fresh brains!
You're saving me?
But it doesn't mean I think
there's some meaning.
I see, so you saved me
because of me myself.
You finally figured it out.
I couldn't stop staring at you.
So why did you sleep
with Krenovcova?
- How do you know?
- I can smell it.
As Jung said:
"The irrational,
the pointless, and the chaotic
are all integral
parts of reality."
But back to what
I was saying before:
You'll only find
the meaning of life,
when you find the balance
between Reason and Instinct.
Do you understand?
Let's say
I represent your reason.
I wonder where your instinct
hangs. Because the balance...
- What was that?
- I don't know.
- No use talking about it.
- Let's get out of here.
As Jung said:
"The irrational,
the pointless and the chaotic
are all integral parts of..."
We heard that before,
didn't we?
The end of the hunt:
Saturday, September 13, 5:15 AM
What's this supposed to mean?
Am I going to the forest,
to lie in the dirt?
Occasional meditation
is fine, but...
Where're you going?
The discussion is scheduled
for Sunday.
Reason and Instinct
must be in balance, Verner!
When you gain instinct,
I'll be back!
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Titles edited by John Brent