Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire (2012) Movie Script

'Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Moyles!'
Good evening.
Good evening and welcome to
Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire on BBC3.
We are here tonight at the
world-famous Hackney Empire theatre
in East London,
ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight is all about comedy.
Right now, waiting backstage,
we've got some of the funniest
and finest comedians
who were willing to turn up
on a cold Monday night in June.
It's going to be a good night.
It's a big week for Hackney,
we've got Radio 1's Hackney Weekend
coming up this weekend.
The sound of a few people
who have tickets,
the sound of silence from people
that go "Bothered? Didn't get one."
Some of our stand-ups tonight
on the show actually come from
right here in Hackney,
which is brilliant,
because it means we don't have to
give them a car home.
They can walk and then we can use
the money we save
on drugs and boys.
As I said, this show is
Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire,
it's called that because,
for those of you that don't know,
I am Chris Moyles,
thank you very much.
I know that might sound like
a stupid thing to say
but there will be
viewers at home tonight
and maybe even some people in
the audience going, "Chris Moyles?
"He's that big, fat bastard
off the radio, isn't it?"
Yes, that would've been
true in the old days...
fat - can't argue with that.
Big - yes.
Bastard... guilty.
I used to be that man but not
any more, ladies and gentlemen.
Those were the old days,
the days before I lost some weight,
the days before I started
shopping at places other than
Next for men's sportswear.
Now, I am the new Chris Moyles that
you see in front of you tonight.
The new, improved, slimmer, sexier,
but don't worry, still a bastard.
Yes, I am Chris Moyles.
What a place Hackney is.
Do we have people from Hackney
in the audience tonight?
Hackney is amazing. It really is
a million-and-one different things.
It's energetic and it's vibrant.
It's nothing like the stereotype
But it's moving on. As far as I'm
concerned, this place is brilliant.
It's the only place I know where
at three o'clock in the morning
you can get yourself a kebab
and then pop next door
and get your hair braided.
Three o'clock in the morning!
So, shall we start the show?
It is going to be a great
show for you tonight,
you are going to absolutely love it.
Please welcome Mark Watson!
Oh, thank you! Oh, it's nice to feel
warmth from the crowd like that.
I don't come out
and do a great, big thing.
I'm aware that I look unimpressive.
I'm really scrawny.
I'm so thin it's becoming
sort of a problem.
After a show people will often say,
"Have you eaten?"
Like, as if I'm not doing the meals.
Like I've not been told
about dinner or something.
I mean, I love food! That's the
annoying thing, I'm always eating.
If someone said to me,
"You have to either give up food
or give up sex,"
I'd say, "No, I don't." And that
would be the end of that, I think.
Not falling for that one again, wife.
It's just my metabolism, I've got
an unbelievably fast metabolism.
By the time you've asked
for the bill, I've shat it.
Half the time, in restaurants,
they don't even know I've been there.
I sometimes wish I had a bit more
of a big thing I did at the start,
I'm just not very rock'n'roll
and you get to a stage in life,
you've got to admit it.
I can never pull it off.
You look at these rock stars,
just the attitude, you know?
Rihanna - "make me feel like
I'm the only girl in the world."
I know, what a peculiar thing
to wish for!
What a lonely existence - "the only
girl in the world" - that's it!
It's just you.
What happens to any netball or hockey
teams you're part of? They're gone!
It's pretty rough on people
that have been training
to get fit for the new season.
You're going to
the toilet on your own,
a lot of women find that
a confronting situation.
If you've got a niece, she's dead
and so it goes on, you know?
Yes, this is the reality of the world
that Rihanna has conjured up!
The more you think about it,
the more you wonder
whether Rihanna's thought through
of the repercussions of this lonely,
bitter existence.
God, I find it really unattractive
this, "I want to be the only one.
"Not just the best -
I'm the ONLY girl."
It's horrible, she's meant to be a
sex symbol. I don't find that sexy...
that narcissism.
If I were with a girl and she said,
"I want to be the ONLY girl in the
I'd say, "I could do better
than that. I'll make you feel like
the only PERSON in the world.
"Get in the cupboard,
let's see how you like it then?
"While I'm shoving bread
through the keyhole,
"you may find that solitude
loses its charm."
I'm looking forward to meeting
Rihanna at some point
so I can run this past her.
They're all, Beyonce again -
"I don't think you're ready for this,
"my body's too bootylicious for you."
Is it? You don't even know me!
I think I'll be the judge
of my bootyliciousness threshold,
thank you.
As I sang in my much-less-successful
follow-up single.
I wish that, if I walked out and
I was rock star it'd be much more,
or anything, a celebrity chef,
you get celebrity chefs these days
that's the, comedians
are a lower status than them.
I say I like food but I'm clearly
not as into food as some people,
I watched one of these, one of these
programmes, not MasterChef,
but similar sort of thing,
and this guy was nearly in tears,
not a competitor - a judge,
just cos this pastry hadn't
worked out as well as hoped,
he was saying to have pastry,
filo pastry as crumbly as that,
is a crime.
Yeah, exactly, I couldn't help
thinking "Not technically, though."
I mean, you'd certainly be
surprised in jail to meet someone,
"Killed my mother-in-law,
mowed down three passers-by, you?"
"Very flaky pastry,
I just, it was all over."
"Get away from me, you animal!"
It's, I'm slightly sort of dazed,
I've just come back,
this is true,
this might sound like a set up,
but I've just been to the Euros,
I've just come back from Ukraine,
so it was quite fun, I do recommend
going, if you're a sports fan,
but it's odd,
there's a lot of regression,
I'm a football fan,
I'm not an aggressive person,
a lot of England fans were already
angry, hadn't even started yet.
I was next to this guy
that was going, "Why can't we...
"We invented the game," this was his
thing all through the game,
"This is a disgrace,
we invented the game!
"Can't even win the World Cup!"
That's not really
a good attitude to have,
cos we invented
a lot of things in this country,
but other countries
will catch up in the end,
we invented the sandwich,
but, inevitably, other countries
will get there in the end.
You don't go to Holland and
find people with bread in one hand,
ham in the other.
"Well, I'm buggered if we know
where we go from here!"
"Shove the whole thing in my ears
and we'll hope for the best."
We invented the flushing toilet
but you don't go abroad
and find people shitting
by the side of the road...
Well, France, maybe, anyway I, erm...
Thank you, you're going to have
a really good night,
thanks for this,
my name is Mark Watson, bye!
'Please welcome Marlon Davis!'
Yes, good evening!
Ooh, well, yes.
First and foremost,
what you can actually see
is that I got this face.
People are laughing!
I tell people I do comedy,
they're like, "I can tell."
"What you mean by that?"
"You got a funny face."
That's not a compliment at all,
is it?
It's not. I'm aware of what
kind of face that I have,
it's a friendly face.
Yeah, it isn't the face of authority.
I couldn't be your boss at work
like, "Why you late?"
"Come on, now..."
Got a round face.
I'm aware of it,
d'you know what I mean?
As well as having this face,
I got this voice as well.
Yeah, it means I'm not intimidating
whatsoever. Look at this,
you got a front row down here,
no-one's scared of me whatsoever.
I'm a comedian, I got a microphone
in my hand, no-one cares.
This is how it is. I grew up
in the ghetto, I couldn't rob no-one.
I tried!
"Yo, gimme your money!"
"Come on, now..."
"He looks like Arnold
from Different Strokes, come on!"
"Give me YOUR money!"
I'm like, "I'm serious!"
"'Course you are!"
"Look at his cheeks! Don't you want
to pinch his cheeks?"
It wasn't the life for me,
I had to go out and get a real job.
Make some noise if you've got a job.
Still got one, but you still have
those people in your workplace,
you know what I'm talking about,
people at home know what
I'm talking about.
You get those annoying
people in your workplace, don't you?
If you don't have annoying people
at work, it's you. You're the one...
at work that everybody hates.
They always say they're leaving.
"I'm leaving." Well fucking leave.
You've been saying that for ever.
They don't go. I used to work in an
office before I used to do this.
What used to annoy me
the most was birthdays.
Not the fact that
it was someone's birthday,
it's just the big
hoo-hah in the office.
They come round your workstation
like they're ninjas.
"What?" "You need to put
a pound in the envelope for Karen."
You're like, "Who the fuck's Karen?"
"She works downstairs.
Quickly sign the card before
she comes back from lunch.
"It's a surprise."
It's not a surprise.
Everyone in the workplace gets
a birthday card on their birthday.
That's not a surprise.
A surprise would be if the boss
came out and did a shit on her desk.
That would be a surprise.
It would be childish,
but that's just what I am.
Every year you get told you've
got to be a bit more mature.
Marks and Spencer's is calling me
every year. It's like a magnet.
I'm repelling cos
I don't want to be like that.
But something happens in your life.
What happened to me is I got a
little baby. I got a little baby boy.
It's amazing.
When I first found out I'm having
a baby boy, I told the whole world.
"I'm having a boy." They're like,
"What are you going to call him?"
Everyone's got suggestions of what
you should call your baby.
"Why don't you call your baby
I've got an uncle called George.
I don't even like him.
I'm not calling my baby George.
"What about Alfie?"
I was like, "What black man you ever
met in your life is called Alfie?"
"What about Mugabe then?"
Now you're taking the piss.
I can't call my baby Mugabe.
You can't get into nursery
with that name.
I said, "When he comes out,
he'll have a name that fits him."
Some people have names that fit them.
All Traceys look like Traceys,
don't they?
And Nigels. That's a Nigel.
You know when it's a Nigel.
And all police look racist,
it's just... it's just what it is.
But he came out
and we called him Kayden.
I remember the first time
I was in the hospital and I held him
in my arms for the first time.
I was like, "Wow, I've got to
work for the rest of my entire life."
He looked back at me and was like,
"You've got a round face."
He didn't say it, he did that.
I know exactly what that is.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I've been Marlon Davis. Wonderful.
Nice one.
Marlon Davis, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh! Funny, isn't he?
Isn't he good?
Having a good night so far?
Brilliant. Next up
we have a guy called Pat Cahill.
Pat has been doing very
well for himself.
He was a finalist
in the BBC New Comedy Awards.
He's just won
New Act Of The Year Award
and Chortle Best Newcomer Award.
In fact, he's getting so cocky,
he's not actually here.
Apparently he's just nipped out
to get some chicken.
Chicken. Yeah, go on then. Nice.
Arete de...
So I went to my local chicken shop,
right, just to get some chicken
Vous etes des animaux
Nothing flash,
just your average household chicken
Vous etes des animaux
There was 365
different types and I got stressed.
Vous etes des animaux
Spoke to a lovely man called Keith
and this is what happened.
Vous etes des animaux
Hi, my name's Keith, how can I help?
Hello, Keith,
just like some chicken, please
What kind of chicken would
you like, sir?
Just your average
household chicken, please
We've got 365 different types Why
don't you have a look at the menu?
Where is the menu, Keith?
It's on the counter and the walls
and all around you It's everywhere.
What d'you mean, everywhere, Keith?
Vous allez crever
Fried chicken, diced chicken,
Italian herb and spice chicken
Thin chicken, fat chicken
I can't eat any more of that chicken
New chicken, old chicken,
covered in a layer of mould, chicken
Good chicken, great chicken,
Carrying a little
bit of weight chicken
Chicken breast, chicken leg
Chicken wing, chicken egg
Chicken neck, chicken back
Chicken pussy, chicken crack
Hey little chicken why so sad
because you're carrying a heavy load?
Well come on let me
deep fry your tits off
And I'll carry you across the road
What I'm trying to say Keith
Is we've just got to strip it
back to basics
Just get a bucket
stick it on the counter
And fill it up with
some chicken drumsticks
I'm sorry, Keith, that was cheap
maybe just a chicken wing
And a chicken leg in a cardboard
box You got that, Keith? Good
Everybody in the shop got that?
Join in when you're ready!
Chicken wing chicken leg
Cardboard box
There's too much chicken
All together now!
Chicken wing chicken leg
Cardboard box
There's too much chicken
Come on, Keith!
Chicken wing chicken leg
Cardboard box
There's too much chicken
Everybody sing! Chicken wing
chicken leg Cardboard box
There's too much chicken.
Pat Cahill's here!
Sorry ladies and gentlemen I'm just
having a spot of chicken but, um...
I'm on now so I better
put my nuggets away.
Yes, this is a hands-free
microphone stand.
Manufactured entirely from a coat
hanger, thank you, thank you.
Why? Well, I suppose it's
a combination of two things,
little bit too much spare time,
and a coat hanger.
You know we've all got
a lot of spare time at the moment,
it's a double dip recession
and we're all chasing work,
so how do we get out of it?
In my view, you've got to diversify.
Fingers in pies, you see not only is
this a hands-free microphone stand
manufactured entirely
from a coat hanger,
it's also the flagship product
in my new business strategy,
the company is called, get this,
Things That Are Now Other Things.
Yeah. There's this
and there's three other products.
There's a jar of jam
what is now a jar of coins.
There's a jar of coins
what's now one pound,
and one pound what's now
another jar of jam.
It's perfect. It pays for itself.
It's called the Jam Sandwich,
take notes.
If that doesn't kick off
it's OK, you've just got to have
fall-back plans, haven't you?
The next thing is
Things Inside Other Things.
Now this is a cracker. This is
a laundrette with a pub in it.
Think about it, a laundrette with a
pub in it, a nice business strategy.
I like a normal laundrette
where you sit there with
your ten-year-old copy of Grazia
trying to squeeze out some joy
or you go home and come back.
No, in this one you put your
washing in, and then you go to
the bar and socialise.
Bloody good idea, no?
That's what I thought.
Till someone pointed out
the one fatal flaw in my plan,
when have you ever
walked into a laundrette and thought,
"These are my kind of people."
Here he is, smelly Bob over here
never washed any clothes in his life,
he's only here for the warmth,
bless him, and who's this?
It's crying Susan.
Crying Susan, crying Susan.
Repeatedly washing the clothes of
her ex-husband, and who's this?
Oh, it's desperate Alan,
cramming too many duvets into that
washing machine, aren't you, Alan?
Why? Cos you're very,
very poor, bless you.
Come on everybody, let's go to
the bar and sort it out
with some Jager Bombs.
No, it's a terrible idea,
terrible idea.
It's Things That Are Now
Other Things,
not Things Inside Other Things,
unless you're talking about cooking
cos then it could work.
Give us a cheer if you've ever
heard of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall?
Yeah, well he did a couple of
Christmases ago a wonderful recipe
things inside other things,
he did a bird within a bird within
a bird within a bird.
A turkey with a chicken in it,
a chicken with a pheasant in it
and a pheasant
with a partridge in it.
I was very impressed by Hugh,
but I wasn't going to be outdone,
so I sent him my recipe for a bird
within a bird within a bird bird.
Turkey, chicken, partridge,
pheasant, pigeon.
He wasn't happy
sent me a recipe back,
bird within a bird within...
Anyway won't bore you
with the process,
this e-mail conversation
went on for about six months,
I'll just tell you where we ended up.
There was a turkey
with a chicken in it,
a chicken with a pheasant in it,
a pheasant with a partridge in it,
partridge with a pigeon in it,
pigeon with a black bird in it,
black bird with a song thrush in it,
song thrush with a starling in it,
starling with a house sparrow in it,
house sparrow with a robin in it,
robin with a wren in it, a wren
with a hummingbird in it,
hummingbird with a moth in it,
moth with a bumblebee in it,
bumblebee with a wasp in it,
wasp with a honeybee in it,
a honeybee with a ladybird in it,
a ladybird with a flying ant in it,
a flying an with an ear wig in it,
an ear wig with a fruit fly,
a fruit fly with a green fly,
a green fly with a flea in it,
a flea with a head louse in it
and a head louse with a crab in it.
We put it in the oven
for eight-and-a-half hours,
took it out, it was disgusting,
it was like eating evolution.
Should have stuck to the original
plan Things What Are Now
Other Things,
so I did a chicken and jam omelette.
Cos in that you got a
chicken that used to be an egg
and an omelette that used to be
edible until you put the jam in it
that used to be coins,
that used to be pounds,
Things That Are Now Other Things!
"Welcome to Dragon's Den. What's
your three-year strategy?"
First year - break even.
Second year - break down.
Third year - break wind, and break
into Duncan Bannantyne's house.
And if that doesn't kick off,
you have to other fall-back plans.
My final business strategy
is straightforward...
All you got to do is pick a group
of vulnerable young women,
and stick them in the back
of your car.
Just make sure you drive
a pink stretch limousine.
That way, when they start screaming,
people just think it's
a rowdy hen party.
Thank you.
It's a tidy little earner
to see you through.
Don't make the mistake I did -
to kidnap a real hen party.
In that situation, you very quickly
become the vulnerable one yourself.
Thank you very much. I've been
Pat Cahill. Have a wonderful night.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Michelle De Swarte!
Woh! What is gwanning, people?
If you're not bilingual, hello.
How are you?
I think if you can translate
a hardcore Jamaican ragga tune
to white, middle-class friends,
you're bilingual.
Simple as that, man.
So, I'm mixed race.
I have a white, Jewish mum,
who calls me all the time.
And I have a black, Jamaican dad
who doesn't call enough.
Someone's clapping up there.
Definitely not my dad -
I know that much.
It's funny, though, man.
Being Jewish and Jamaican,
I get on stage
with all the confidence
of a black comedian.
I'm like, "I can do this!"
And then leave with all the angst
of a Jewish one.
"Was it funny? Did they like me?
"Is it dusty in here?"
But I do get asked a lot
if I'm really Jewish.
Which cracks me up,
cos I'm like, "Do you know how hard
it is to find kosher jerk chicken?"
No-one lies about being Jewish, man!
Do you know what I mean?
No-one lies about that, man.
But I think, when you're mixed race,
people get this idea in their head
that your mum and dad
probably met at a protest...
made sweet love, down by the fire,
listening to Ebony & Ivory.
It's romantic, right? It's nice.
But that weren't the case, OK?
I asked my dad this,
and he put it straight.
He went, "No, Mich. Actually,
"I was drunk, and your mum
likes big, black cock."
For real.
The letters "BBC"
have never looked the same since.
It's deep, man.
I sound mixed race, right?
But I can't say it
with total confidence,
cos I grew up in the '80s,
and I used to call myself
Don't clap it up, man.
Cos then a memo was sent out,
around the early '90s.
I got mine a little bit late.
Not as late as some footballers.
I got mine a little bit late,
and that memo said that half-caste
is now a derogatory term.
Guys, there is nothing worse
than someone telling you
what you've been calling
yourself is racist.
Do you know what I mean?
And it makes it hard to like embrace
these new terms, cos I'm convinced
that I'm causing my
future self offence.
Like it's only a matter of time
before someone goes,
"So what colour are you?"
I'll go, "I'm mixed raced man,
and they go, "Oh, no, no, no.
"It's called 'colour merge' now."
You know what I mean?
But it's nice to see you guys, man.
It looks like there's like a lot
of couples in here,
which is reassuring for me,
cos I don't really think we've got
dating culture in this country.
We've got drinking culture.
Yes, wooh! I think that cancels out
dating culture.
In this country what we do
is we go out, we get lashed,
we bang our mate's mate.
We wake up next to them in the
morning, we look at them, and go,
"Are you the sort of person
I want to take out for dinner?"
Then you think, "Nah.
"Not really."
You know what I mean?
When I do go out though,
it does take me ages to get ready
and guys always give us
grief about this, don't they?
I don't think men realise,
that when us girls are not getting
any action, we don't shave,
at all.
If I took off my clothes now,
I'd look like I was smuggling
the Jackson Five.
It's deep.
You know you're hairy when you take
two Bic razors in the bath with you.
No joke. When I get out the bath,
it looks like a swamp.
There's an inch-thick layer
of hair at the top.
There's alligators swimming
through that.
There' s flamingos sweeping down.
There's a redneck,
on a speedboat
with a propeller at the back,
just driving around the top going,
"You ain't from round here",
like it's a hog mess.
Sometimes, what I like to do
is use my body hair
as a modern-day chastity belt.
I'll go, "Mich, you know what you're
like when you go on a first date..
"Leave that, cos you'll be too
embarrassed to break it out.
But it never works,
cos come four in the morning,
you're dry-humping some geezer
on a sofa,
you got to break it out to him.
You got to let him know
what's going on.
What I like to do is just say,
"Do you like the '70s?"
Do you know what I mean?
That breaks it in, and most guys
are willing to go retro
for a one night stand,
do you know what I mean?
And it's all good, but then,
it's like, "Cool."
But I've heard my guy mates
chatting in a pub,
when they've slept with a girl like
me who's let her bits get unruly.
They're like, "Oh yeah, she was
nice, she was fit,
"but, flipping hell, when I
took her knickers off,
"she looked like she had
Bob Marley in a leg lock".
You lot have been wicked.
My name's Michelle De Swarte,
thanks a lot.
Michelle De Swarte,
ladies and gentlemen. Come on!
How funny, funny.
Coming up now. A man who was
born and raised in Dublin
You might have seen
him recently on Live at the Apollo,
Later, he'll be on BBC Three
with a new series of his own
called Conspiracy Roadtrip.
Please give it up for the brilliant
Andrew Maxwell!
So, what a big year! What a big year.
The Olympics
in Stratford, East London.
Sydney, Beijing, Seoul,
Los Angeles, Stratford.
The Olympics...
in East London,
the gunfire capital
of Western Europe.
What could go wrong?
What could go wrong?
Here's something I thought of.
Here's one thing.
Exactly which gunshot will
the 100 meters begin on?
Everybody knows why
the Olympics is in East London,
because it's such a sporting
part of the world!
I was watching
during the riots.
They were interviewing
this fat little white boy.
He was with his big fat mammy,
and he was there, this little
fat kid, he was about ten.
He had a tracksuit.
He was almost as wide as he was tall,
like a sausage in a tracksuit,
this little fat thing.
He was on the BBC news. "The police
are overrun, they cannot cope."
I'm looking at this, and thinking,
"How can you not catch him?"
How can you not catch
Greggs - the Boy?
Big events, people
It's a big event, the Olympics.
It's big. It's a big thing.
We got big events in Ireland,
we had Barack Obama visited
Ireland last year.
Oh, yes! We had Barack Obama
and he was supported by Jedward.
It's true.
I actually had people
going nuts at me.
"Why are Jedward supporting
Barack Obama?"
People actually getting
really angry at me.
I'm like, "Relax!
It's a security issue."
"Jedward are the only two
Irishmen alive
are not in the IRA".
You better believe it,
people, you better believe it.
You try and get a balaclava
over that business.
I met them recently for
the first time, Jedward.
I have got to say, they are absolute
sweethearts. But it is not an act.
Oh, they are a pair of crayon-eaters.
You can't leave them alone
with the crayons.
Good. And the Euros have started.
Do you like the
footballing life, people?
Do you like football?
You are enjoying it? I do.
I commend you, English people,
for once,
you are finally taking a leaf
out of the Irish tournament book.
Lower your expectations.
Lower them.
Yeah, then you will enjoy your life.
When Ireland qualifies
for a major sporting tournament,
we don't think we are going to win!
Our media isn't going, "We're going
to win, we're going to win!"
We are just like, "We are there!
We are there! We are there!"
"Look at us. Look at us!"
"Look at our rainbow of colours, all
laughing and having fun together."
The world is a mess, people!
We need to learn to get along.
Or at least
all hate the Olympics together.
We need to get along.
The world's a mess.
It is all men's fault. Right?
It is all men's fault.
We have made a mess of it.
We have made a mess of this world.
You ladies, clean it up.
Clean it up!
Go in peace, Hackney.
See you later, thank you.
Andrew Maxwell!
Having fun?
We should do this every week.
This next man was born in England,
then he spent one year in India,
then he went to Saudi Arabia...
Then he went to America, and
he is back in London again tonight.
Please welcome Arnab Chanda.
Hello. How are you? All right.
Enjoying the weather?
All right. Party!
Here is a tip though,
as it gets warmer and warmer.
Remember, it is really hard
to make an angry exit
when you are wearing flip-flops.
When I walked in on my girlfriend
in bed with another man, I was irate.
But to them, my exit
just seemed summery.
But you guys probably
already know that.
I do like it when people say to me,
"Tell me something I don't know."
Whenever somebody says that to me
I'm like, "You are going to be
dead in less than 24 hours."
Then I skip away.
I am slightly obsessed with death.
How can you not be?
Right? I think when I die
I want a bench made.
Thank you.
And one other guy, weirdly.
I want a bench
erected in a park in my memory.
Because, and this may be weird,
but even now, I like it
when strangers sit on me and fart.
Is that weird?
But no,
I am not an optimistic person.
I am not an optimistic person.
You know that button on,
I am feeling lucky?
I have never clicked that.
One day. One day.
I like to laugh, though. It is good,
it is one of my favourite things.
People like to laugh, that is good.
I do not know if this
has ever happened to you,
the other day I was eating breakfast,
and I laughed so hard that
milk came out of my nipples.
Anyone else? Just me.
Just me. OK.
I wish I was...
That would be a cool superhero
thing to have.
Milk coming out of my nipples.
My favourite superhero
though is Superman.
Always has been, always will be.
I love Superman.
I like how Superman
is able to go back in time
just by spinning
the world backwards.
Like, I can't even imagine, like,
fathom the effort and energy
that must take.
Because like one time
I tried pushing a revolving door
in the opposite direction
of where it was supposed to go.
And, like, honestly, between
you and me, like, I couldn't do it.
Superman II, that was my favourite
film growing up as a kid.
One of the worst films,
Superman III. Strangely.
And if you have not seen it,
Superman turns evil.
Yes. Superman turns evil.
What's weird is the way in which they
show that Superman turns evil...
is, uh... he becomes a bit rapey.
Just becomes a little bit
of a sex pest.
Sits down on a couch and nearly
takes advantage of a woman.
Luckily he doesn't. He snaps
out of it and he leaves.
But what is weird,
and this is the weird part...
the next evil thing he does
is he flies to Italy
and straightens
the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Here, writers of Superman III,
you can't trump rape.
Once you've thrown rape out there...
Plus, straightening the
Leaning Tower of Pisa,
that doesn't even seem that evil,
It is like,
"Hey, you know that building
"that is always dangerously close
to collapsing on somebody's head?
"Superman straightened it."
"What? What the fuck is that
guy's problem, man?!"
"Dude, I know, he is a dick!"
That's it from me. You guys have
been very nice. Have a wonderful
evening. Thank you.
Arnab Chanda, everybody!
I urge all of you here tonight
at the Hackney Empire
and everybody watching at home,
if there is someone
you have seen tonight
and you thought,
"My God, they are brilliant",
go and find out more about them,
go and see them live.
Doc Brown is our next man
who is coming out on stage tonight.
He is very funny. He began
his career as a battle rapper.
You know, with the competing
in the live rap battles.
And so did I.
I used to be a battle rapper.
Sorry, no, I worked at Top Man.
I get that wrong every time.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr Doc Brown is here.
Always a pleasure, man.
Always a pleasure
being at the centre of Hackney.
I actually moved to Hackney myself
back in the year 2002.
Before hipsters.
That was back in the day when
walking through Hackney
with loafers with no socks
and an ironic moustache
could still get you shot.
It was a simpler time.
But you know, it's always...
It is the diversity of Hackney,
being a born and
bred Londoner myself,
it's the diversity I love, man.
I love it. It is beautiful.
Always makes me feel at home.
It is weird in this job,
travelling around, city to city,
different country sometimes,
I hate being in those cities where
I actually have to ask the question.
I have to go up to
a stranger and ask.
Like, "Excuse me,
where do you keep your blacks?"
"You know, your, uh...
your black people.
"Where...? Where are they?"
"Where are they?"
"Before you start pointing to that
one across the road, he's with me."
Diversity, for me,
is like, it's second nature,
this is what I'm all about.
I'm not from Hackney,
I'm from Kilburn,
Kilburn in north-west London.
Or north Wheezy
if you've got problems.
It's diverse.
if you don't know the area,
traditionally it's a very
Irish, Jamaican area.
I would have loved
to have been around
when they came up with
that concept as well.
Tell you what, let's get two of
the tiniest islands in the world,
with two of the craziest inhabitants.
Stick them together,
see what happens.
As it turns out, a lot of sex.
A lot of sex.
Rivers of Guinness.
Children that look like me.
I've been lucky enough,
to be part of the generation I am,
I've never experienced any serious
prejudice growing up in the UK.
It's been beautiful.
However, the Iro-Caribbean
community that preceded me...
That's my terminology,
take that one with you.
Yes, the Iro-Caribbean
community that preceded me,
they put up with a lot of shit
I never had to deal with.
Back in the late '50s, early '60s,
you'd see certain shops,
certain lodgings,
the odd nightclub even, that had
hand-drawn posters in the window.
It would say,
"No Blacks, no Irish, no Dogs."
I'm serious, this is history.
Obviously, things have improved
massively today.
Not so much for dogs.
Uh, but you know,
having not experienced that
direct level of injustice,
imagine me as a youngster,
I was always fascinated by it.
Being a youngster and being
a wannabe rapper as well,
I was always on the lookout
for injustice,
it made for a good lyric,
you know what I mean?
Trust me, there were times
when I felt like it was like
me against the world.
In those moments, you've always
got to remember it's not you,
it's them, OK?
Because when you're down and
out and you're really up against it,
just remember the basics.
It's a mantra, repeatedly say this.
You're not a loser,
it's just everybody's racist.
Yeah, that's right, I said it.
Why do you think nobody
ever gave you any credit.
Why you lost on the list
of your doctor's patients,
chronological or
is your surgery racist?
What type of dog shits on the
pavement in front of your house?
Alsatian? Racist.
Say you're typing in a search engine,
trying to write haterz
with a Z at the end.
Your computer goes,
did you mean haters?
That's how you know Google's racist.
How come every time an igloo's made,
it's always white?
And Eskimos? Racist.
Tonight you know the truth
at its plainest.
You car won't start?
Engine, racist.
Your team don't pick you,
these guys, racist.
Jeans don't fit you?
Levi's, racist.
If you can't lose weight,
every time you try it,
I guarantee your diet is racist.
On your birthday,
it rained in places.
Fuck the clouds,
the whole sky is racist.
You go on iPod,
shuffle in the play list,
it ain't picked reggae in a while?
How come every
time you get to the queue,
you're the last in the queue?
Dude, that queue's racist.
Then when you get to the front, the
staff say, hey, thanks for waiting.
That's racist.
The whole Post Office are skanks,
why do you think they try to sell you
second-class stamps?
Two words - institutional racism.
You go to Nando's,
suddenly they make chicken.
You might want couscous or just soup.
Too late, man, they
already charged you.
When you're down and out
and you're really up against it,
just remember the basics.
It's a mantra, repeatedly say this,
you're not a loser,
it's just everybody's racist.
Hackney, thank you very much.
Doug Brown,
ladies and gentlemen.
I love that. Love it.
Our next comic has worked
with Michael Mclntyre.
No biggie, so have I.
No, I didn't, I went to Top Man,
did it again.
Almost ten years ago,
she entered a comedy contest
called the Hackney Empire
New Act Competition.
Ten years ago. She's back tonight
to find out if she's won.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Ava Vidal.
Hello. Thanks, Chris,
no, I didn't win.
I did work with Michael Mclntyre,
I did the Michael Mclntyre Show,
and that led to nothing.
It's one of those things you do
and your friends
get more excited than you do.
My friend's like,
"My God, you did Mclntyre's show.
"Have things changed?" I'm like,
"Yeah, for Mclntyre, not for me!
He actually sold out the O2 Arena
over five nights.
That's huge, selling out the O2.
Just last week,
O2 refused to give me
a contract phone, so...
Ten years in, this is how it's going.
Doing that show got me into a lot of
problems with my family,
with my daughter.
My daughter was very angry with me
for speaking about her.
The thing is, my daughter's nearly
18-years-old now.
And you know when you meet people
in life that are fucked up,
and you're like, "What happened
to you?" They go, "My parents!"
Because my daughter's 18,
I just want her to go.
But I'm worried because I don't want
her out in the world,
slagging me off, so I thought I'd get
a little disclaimer going.
I sat down and went, "Listen, do you
think I've been a good mother?"
And she said, "No." I said,
"Why?" And she goes,
"You're an idiot.
You're embarrassing.
"You go on TV
telling stupid jokes about me.
"You went on TV and you told people
"that I was fat."
Now, I did do that!
She doesn't see it that way.
But it amazes me...
it amazes me how many people
actually believe me.
I had people that e-mail me
to this day and go, "Hi, Ava.
"How are you?
How's your fat daughter?"
If my daughter was fat, I would not
go on TV and say it.
If my daughter was fat, I wouldn't
keep her. It wouldn't be an issue.
So I said to her,
"What's it going to take
"for you to get over it?" She goes,
"I won't get over it.
"You're a liar!" Blah-blah.
I was like, "Please, just tell
me something."
What she actually did was
she went out and got some
professional photographs taken
and blown up to poster size,
and I was going away to do some shows
and she handed me
this envelope and I looked
in it and went, "What's this?"
She went, "Here, Mum.
Take these to your gigs.
"Show the people."
I was like, "Baby, I will, I will!"
I won't.
Because she's not fat, but, ohh,
she's fucking ugly
and there's no need...
No need to put innocents
through that.
I have another child who's
now upset. I've got a son.
I've a 13-year-old son
and he's really quite angry.
He's like, "You go on TV and talk
about my sister.
"You don't talk about me. People
don't even know you got two kids."
I'm like, "No, I make that
quite clear.
"I've always said in my comedy
I've got two children..."
"..that I know of!"
That was unnecessary. I actually saw
a male comedian do that once.
I thought it was cool.
Just realised it doesn't work
the other way round, so...
I'm going to stop doing it.
Listen, you've been fantastic.
I've been Ava Vidal.
Thank you very much. Good night.
Ava Vidal, ladies and gentlemen.
All right.
We're going to go for it, OK?
The next act might be a bit of a
whirlwind. Please strap yourself in.
If you're sitting at home, remove
any hot drinks away from your lap.
Ladies and gentlemen, go crazy nuts.
It's Mr Jason Byrne!
Holy shit! I am Irish.
Irish people here? "Yay!" OK.
Thank you!
Open the ceiling near the bars,
well done, that's good.
But anyway, I have got a mammy and...
You call them mammies here, yeah?
Do you call... Oh, my God,
the atmosphere in here
is fucking electric, isn't it?
"Do you call them mammy?" "Yeah,
we call them mammies, JUST MOVE ON!"
"We need to do the wee-wees, Jason,
we need to do the wee-wees!"
Now I have a mammy, all right?
They're unbeliev... They're so
important. They're amazing.
Cos when I was a kid,
it was unbelievable.
When you were in a house growing up
in the '70s and the '80s, right,
it was your father
that you were terrified of, right?
Cos he was the big, loud fella
with the huge fists, right,
that's the guy you were
frightened of, yeah?
But he never, ever
laid a finger on you.
It was the mad bitch dwarf
that beat the shit out of you.
Chasing you around the house.
You making it worse by laughing
as she chased you, just going,
"Get away from me, you mad bitch!"
And she said the same thing
every time.
She'd grab a hold of you and go,
"Wait till your father gets home,
"he's going to kill you, kill you,
your father is going to kill you!
"Put your leg across the table.
You're dead when he comes in!"
She's only this size! Terrifying.
And do you know what she did, cos
young people won't even get this...
She used to take off her slipper...
You have slippers here, yeah?
Anyway, right.
She'd take off her slipper.
But in the '70s and the '80s,
it wasn't a soft shoe.
Cos women in those days
had a kind of a weird sandal
that squashed their toes up
all miserable and horrible.
And it had a hard cork shell
on the end of it, right.
Like if mothers weren't
miserable enough,
they had to walk around
in these horrible shoes.
Trying to carry 14 bags of shopping.
The hate is unbelievable inside them.
They're unreal. So my mum, right...
You'd just be sitting watching
the telly and you'd say something,
and she'd take off her shoe
and just throw it at your head.
That's illegal now, yeah?
You'd be sitting there
with half your head open.
And your mother would look at you
and say the most scary thing ever.
She'd go, "Bring it back."
"Bring it back.
Pick it up and bring it over here."
You'd have to pick up the slipper and
bring it over to her very slightly.
Be like handing a psychopath
a shotgun. "Just bring it in."
Just lift it in like that,
just give it to her. Because you
knew what was going to happen.
Cos she'd go, "I won't hit you,
I won't hit you."
And you'd give her the slipper
and she'd go, "Run! RUN!"
"Zigzag! Zigzag! Make it gamey!
Make it gamey, you little shit!
"Make it gamey!"
And then, when your father arrived in
in the car after work,
up the drive, she went ballistic.
"Here he is!
"Here he is!"
"You're dead now. You're dead!
Your father's home!
"He's going to kill you! You're dead.
Where's me flamethrower?!"
Your dad would walk into the room,
the newspaper under his arm.
"What the...?"
You're sitting on the couch with your
brothers and sisters, all bruised.
Bits of hair missing, clothes torn.
"Mum said you were going to kill us."
But he didn't do anything.
Your dad didn't care.
He just walked straight past you,
went to the toilet
and had a shit. Right?
Cos that's what your dad's job was
- Working and pooing.
That's what he did.
And it's...
It's great, cos I've got kids.
How many people have got kids?
Seven. Right.
I love the British,
it's great, cos yous are,
yous are as miserable as the Irish.
It's fantastic, yeah?
When you want to join in with stuff,
"Yeah! Yeah. Yeah..."
Cos, like, Irish are a nation
of begrudgers and so are you.
It's unreal. Like, if somebody...
If somebody in America gets a new car
or a new job, yeah,
they're really happy. I've been
there, I've seen it, right.
"Oh, my God, totally got a new job,
"let's have a barbeque."
"Did you get a new car?
He got a new car! That's fantastic!"
Like, here...
"I got a new car."
"Did you? I hope you crash it."
But it's weird, yeah. Cos the kids
these days, I'm looking out at you.
It's so different when I was a kid,
do you know what I mean?
As the mammies used to watch us.
But, like, there is no Wii
or Nintendo that could ever
replace the fun you had as a kid
when I was as kid, right?
Cos kids just don't really get out
any more.
They just sit inside.
Just don't walk outside!
When I was a kid, like,
girls were segregated from boys.
Unbelievable, right?
Girls were playing weird games
when I was a kid.
They'd put elastic bands
around their ankles
and make weird shapes with each
other, right? Really weird stuff.
And they'd also be able to get balls
and throw them against the wall
and just go, "Throwing balls
against a wall, balls against a wall,
balls against a wall."
And then out of nowhere,
while doing that, they could stop and
turn to a girl beside them and go,
"A sailor went to sea, sea, sea to
see what she could see, see, see.
"Sea, sea, sea, sea, sea.
Balls, balls, elastic bands,
"elastic bands, sea, sea, sea,
balls, balls.
And what did blokes do then?
We were so simple.
It was literally a game like this.
"Nearest to the ground
"is the winner!"
"I'm nearer!" "No way!"
"Oh, I'm definitely nearer!"
Or another common thing to do
to tease the girls
was I would run into the girls'
area with poo on the end of a stick.
It's the best fun ever.
"Poo on a stick! Poo on a stick!"
But I'll just...
I'll just finish on this.
Cos this is...
I've gigged all over the world,
and every time I show this,
the whole world agree with this.
But this is the most frightening
thing to ever see your mother doing.
While you're out the back garden
playing with your brother
or sister, OK,
and both of you are just having
a little bit of fun together.
And then you, right outside
the kitchen window, in the garden,
you punch your sister and she starts
to scream, crying, yeah?
Well, out of nowhere, this is
the most frightening thing to ever
see your mother do from the house.
So you punch her, she goes, "Waaa!"
and your mother, from the house...
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been
Jason Byrne, thanks a million!
Jason Byrne, ladies and gentlemen.
That is it for tonight.
You have been an amazing audience.
That's the end of the show,
thank you for watching.
A huge thank you and round
of applause to every one
of our acts tonight.
They've all been class.
If you liked what you saw tonight,
go to the BBC3 website,
there's more videos
and exclusive content. Do it now.
I've been Chris Moyles.
This has been my Comedy Empire.
Till the next one,
goodnight, Hackney!