Chris Rock: Bring the Pain (1996) Movie Script
1
Live from the Takoma Theatre in Washington D.C.
Are you ready?
D.C., are you ready?
It's time to bring the pain,
give it up for Mr. Chris Rock!
What's up?
Washington!
D.C., chocolate city!
That's right! Home of the Million Man March!
That's right, the Million Man March!
That had all the positive black leaders there!
Farrakhan, Jesse (Jackson)
Marion Barry ...
(Mayor of DC re-elected after smoking crack on video)
Marion Barry... at the Million Man March!
How did he get a ticket?
It was a day of positivity! How'd he get it?
Marion Barry at the Million Man March,
do you know what that means?
It means that even in our finest hour
we had a crackhead on stage!
Yeah, boo if you want, you know I'm right!
How the hell did Marion
Barry get his job back?
Smoked crack and got his job back.
How the hell did that happen?
If you get caught smoking crack at McDonald's
you can't get your job back!
That's right, they not gonna trust you
around the Happy Meals!
They'll send yo' ass to Hardee's!
(Another American fast food chain).
Smoked crack and got his job!
All I wanna know who was so ...
Who ran against him that they lost?
Who was so bad they lost to a crackhead?
What was their campaign like?
Were they, on heroin?
"Vote for me!"
"Vote for me!
Don't vote for crack, vote for smack!"
Marion Barry... come on now,
how are you gonna tell little kids to not get high...
when the mayor's on crack?
"Don't get high. You won't be nothing."
"I could be Mayor!"
Crack everywhere, crack everywhere ...
you know what they say?
"Crack is destroying the black community."
"Crack is destroying the ghetto."
Yeah, like the ghetto was so nice before crack!
They say that shit like everybody in the hood
had a mansion, a yacht and a swimming pool ...
... then crack came by and dried it all up!
I think we always focus
on the negative side of crack ...
Always on the negative side of crack.
What about the good side of crack?
What about the beauty of crack?
What about the good things that crack has brought
into our minds that were not here before?
Do you know what the good side of crack is?
If you're up at the right hour
you can get a VCR for $ 1.50!
You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.
Why? 'cause of crack!
Shit ...
At Christmastime, have you ever
buy somebody a crack gift?
They think you've got them something.
"Oh, you should not have!" "I didn't!"
Bought it from a crackhead!
I think they should just legalize crack.
Legalize it.
Do you know why I want them to legalize crack?
Just so my friends' mothers can
have something to brag about.
"You know, Ronald got his own crack house now!
Johnny's got his own crack house.
When I drive by every day, I go there my
baby's crack house right there.
They got jumbo.
Legalize it, man.
All drugs should be legal.
Why? People want to get high.
That's right.
People think about getting high right now.
People are like: "Damn, how much longer is this show?"
People love to get high! You could get rid of all the
illegal drugs in the world it won't mean shit.
People wanna get high.
If you get rid of all the crack, all the herb, all the blow,
you know what'll happen?
People'll just think of new ways of gettin' high.
That's right, guys will go in their basement and become scientists like, "Check this out, check this out!"
"You know, if you get a baby's bottle, right? Fill it up with a little gasoline, dead lima beans and then suck it. You'll be fucked up!"
That's right man! Now we've got the war on drugs. Bullshit!
The war on drugs is bullshit, it is the way to get more motherfuckers in jail, that's all it is ... yeah!
That's all it is!
The drug dealers don't really sell drugs.
The drug dealers ... offer drugs!
I'm thirty years old, ain't nobody ever sold me drugs.
Nobody has ever sold nobody in this room some drugs!
You ever in your life not thinking about getting high and somebody sold you some fucking drugs?
Hell, no!
The drug dealers offer: "Man, you want some smoke, you want some smoke?"
You say "No", that's it!
Now, Jehovah's Witnesses, on the other hand ...
Shit!
No, man, drug dealers don't sell drugs: drugs sell themselves.
It's Crack, it's not an encyclopedia, not a fucking vacuum cleaner!
You don't really gotta try to sell crack, okay?
I never heard a crack dealer go, "Man, how am I gonna get rid of all this crack?"
"It's just piled up in my house!"
That's right, man! I don't fuck around.
Probably main reason I do not do drugs is my big brother. Big brother.
Junkie alcoholic! But doesn't eat pork, 'cause "pork's no good for ya!"
People are full of shit, man. People shoot
heroin, and go: "You know, red meat'll kill you!"
What do you mean "red meat'll kill you"?
Only in America we say some bullshit like "red meat'll kill you."
We've got too much food in America. Too much food!
"Red meat can kill you"? People are starving all over the world!
What do you mean, "Red meat will kill you"? No, no no!
Don't eat no red meat? No. Don't eat no green meat, okay?
What are you talking about? You know, if you are one of the chosen few people on this earth
who's lucky enough to get your hands on a steak: bite the shit out of it!
Too much food in America!
We've got so much food in America, America is the only country in the whole world that makes people feel bad for being fat.
The only country in the whole world. People are starvin' all over the world.
You're fat some place else, people are like: "Damn, how'd you do that?"
"That's amazing! I gotta hang with you!"
"Oh, you think you're all that with your fat ass?"
"I put on some weight, we're gonna hang! "
Too much food in America, man!
We've got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food!
Hungry people aren't allergic to shit!
So do you think anybody in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?
Now we've got some people who don't eat pork, what the fuck is that shit about?
You don't eat pork! You don't eat pork!
Some people don't eat pork for religious reasons, which I think is dumb,
I ain't shittin' on no one's religion...
but I refuse to believe
that on Judgment Day my diet's goin' to come into question, OK?
What you eat don't got shit to do with who you are as a person, ok?
"Hey God, I killed a bunch of kids... but I ate right!"
No! That ain't gonna happen, man. No.
You see, people don't realize that religious books were written by man.
Man wrote everything. Man wrote the Bible, man wrote the Koran, man wrote the Torah, all that shit written by men.
And thousands of years ago, before... you know, like, 5,000 years ago,
before there was Reynolds Wrap, before there was refrigerators, before there was freezers, before there was seasonin'...
a pork chop might kill you!
That's right, one drop: "Aaaah!" Dead!
But times have changed. That's right, you see, times have changed,
People, you know, 5,000 years ago were like, "Damn, this pork is killin' everybody!"
"How can we get people to not eat pork?"
"Ok! Tell them God said, don't eat it."
And everybody said, "Okay, tell 'em God said, don't eat it."
And they stopped eatin' it.
But times have changed though. And now we've got refrigerators, we've got freezers,
we've got Saran Wrap, we've got Reynolds Wrap! Now a pork chop's your friend!
That's right, if you are starvin', a pork chop will save your life!
Shit, I'll eat a pig's ass, if they cook it right!
My family's from the South. You know,
people from the South love some pork.
No matter what you eat down South, they've got some pork in it!
"Hey, this is a good fish, what kind of fish is it?" "Pork fish!"
You know what the nastiest part of pork is? Pig feet.
Pig feet be sittin' in that old-ass jar,
that same jar been sittin' in the store since you was about 14 years old!
And pig feet are floating around in that liquid, the brown beige rust liquid ...
What is the liquid? What is that, pig piss?
And people actually pick out the pig feet
"No, not that one, the other one..."
Like there's a difference in nasty-ass pig feet!
"No, give me that one, the one with the nail in it!
"Nah, I want the athlete's pig foot!"
A lot of stuff goin' on this year.
Everything racial this year.
What was the big thing this year? Elections! Colin Powell!
"He should run! He could win!
Colin could win, he should run!"
Can't win! Colin Powell can't win!
Colin Powell's got a better chance of winning the bronze in female gymnastics...
...than bein' the President of the United States.
Get the fuck out! White people ain't votin' for Colin Powell!
They say they are--
They are not!
Ok? Just wanna soup his head up, make him run,
he'll get killed tryin' to run.
Shit, Colin Powell!
White people say they gonna vote for him
'cause it seems like the right thing to say.
It just seems like a cool thing to say:
"Yeah, Ima vote for him..."
It just seems like the right thing to say, just like when you ask somebody if they want to be an organ donor.
They always say "yeah"... But nobody wants to be an organ donor!
Nobody, it just seems like the right thing to say.
Shit, organ donor is for people with no faith at all!
You know, what if they figured out a way to bring you back from the dead?
And now I ain't got no eyes!
Ain't this a bitch! Back from the dead and I can't see shit!
"Mom, I'm back! Momma, where's my eyes?
"You gave them to a little boy in Idaho?
"Now I gotta go kill him to get my eyes back!"
Colin Powell can't be president!
You know how I could tell Colin Powell can't be president?
Whenever Colin Powell is on the news, white people always give him the same compliments.
Always the same compliments! "How do you feel about Colin Powell?"
"He speaks so well!"
"He's so well-spoken!", "He speaks so well!",
"I mean, he really speaks well!", "He speaks so well!"
Like that's a compliment! "Speaks so well" is not a compliment, Ok?
"Speaks so well" is some shit you say
about retarded people, that can talk!
What do you mean "He speaks well"?
What, did he have a stroke the other day?
What the fuck? He's a educated man. How the fuck do you expect him to sound, ya dirty motherfucker? What are you talkin' about?
"He speaks so well ..."
What are you talking about, "he speaks so well"?
What voice were you lookin' to come outta his mouth? What the fuck did you expect him to sound like?
"I'm gonna drop me a bomb today!"
"I'll be prez-o-dent!"
Get the fuck outta here!
Now they're talkin' that Colin Powell should run for vice president.
Do it for his country. Fuck the country! Shit!
He gonna run with a guy he could beat. He gonna run with fuckin' Dole. He could beat Dole!
They only ask a black man to do somethin' that fuckin' stupid. Run with a guy he could beat.
Get the fuck out of here!
They wouldn't ask no white guy to do no shit like that!
They're not gonna ask Al Gore to run with Al Sharpton, no!
Get the fuck out of here, man!
Vice-President... you know what? That ain't gonna happen!
As long as you live you ain't ever gonna see no black vice president.
Not while the president's white!
Oh no, you will never see... do you know what they say, "never say never"?
I'm sayin' never!
You will never see no black vice president. Not while there's a white president, and you know why?
'Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that's why!
Shit, I'd do it!
If we had a black vice president right now, I couldn't wait to kill the president!
Shit!
Now what's gonna happen? What're you gonna you do,
put me in jail with a bunch of black guys
that'll treat me like a hero for the rest of my life?
Shit, even if they had a death penalty, what would happen?
Get pardoned by the black president!
I'd be the biggest star in the history of jail!
Be signin' autographs, "97/KY-- Here you go!"
Shit, I'd be in jail guys would come at me:
"Yo, Chris, Chris, yo, man! I hope my kids turn out to be just like you, man!"
"You know, I was gettin' ready to rape you 'til I realized who you were!"
Oh, they will rape you in jail, boy!
See, the whole damn country is so
damn conservative now. Everybody says:
"Jails ain't tough enough. Jails ain't tough enough."
"We gotta have the death penalty. Jails ain't tough enough."
Jails are fucked up, ok?
Don't believe the hype. The problem is ...
The reason jails are so crowded 'cause life is fucked up too!
People are broke, people are starving, life ...
... Shit!
Life is catching up to jail!
Shit, if you live in an old project, a new jail ain't that bad!
Shit, I've watched on HBO they had a special on: The Jail Special.
A couple of months ago. Now, normally when you see a special
about jail, it's on regular TV and there is a lot of shit they don't show.
Oh, not the HBO Jail Special!
Oh, they showed it all. They interviewed a brother an' they said now:
"Sir, when a new inmate comes in and he wants some drugs, how do you initiate him?"
The guy goes, "Well, the first thing I do is make him toss my salad!"
The guy is like: "Toss my salad? What is that?"
"Havin' yo' salad tossed means havin' your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup."
"I prefer syrup!"
I'm not making this up!
And then the guy says, "Why must you go through all that, why not just oral sex?"
And he goes: "Well, when a man's suckin' your dick, he can pretend that's somethin' else."
"When he's eatin' ass, he knows it's ass!"
I tell ya!
We don't need the death penalty! We got the toss-salad man!
Shit, if I had a choice right now between the electric chair and tossin' a salad ...
I'd be like: "So where do you plug it in?
"Shouldn't I be wet?"
Everybody says: "Oh, schools are out of control, they're out of control,
"We need prayer in the schools." We do not need prayer in school!
We need the toss-salad man in school!
That'll straighten the kids out!
"Hey Jimmy, you've got a D. You know what you gotta do?"
"Noooooo! Nooooo! I don't wanna toss the salad!
I don't wanna toss salad!"
"I'm gonna read! I'm gonna learn to read!"
Lot of racial shit this year ...
Lot of racial shit: what was the big thing? O.J.!
(OJ Simpson was acquitted of murder charges)
O.J. was big. That's right.
Black people too happy, white people too mad.
White people like: "This a bullshit!"
I ain't seen white people that mad since they cancelled "M.A.S.H."!
Black people way too happy...like, "Yay! We won, we won! Yay! We won!"
What the fuck did we win?
Every day I look in the mailbox for my O.J. prize: nothin'!
Nothing!
"Ooh. That was all about race."
That shit wasn't about race.
That shit was about fame!
Cause if O.J. wasn't famous,
he'd be in jail right now.
If O.J. drove a bus...
If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn't even be O.J.
He'd be Orenthal the Bus Driving Murderer.
They all go: "Oh, the jury's so stupid."
Get the fuck out of here, man!
"It's so stupid, how did they ...?"
White people would have done exact same shit, OK?
The exact same shit!
Because if that was Jerry Seinfeld charged with double murder
and the only person that found the glove
happened to be in the Nation of Islam ...
Jerry'd be a free man!
Be eatin' cereal right now.
(Seinfeld is known for his love for cereal)
Now, let's break down the case. Who's the guy, Ron Goldman?
(Man who was killed along with wife of OJ Simpson)
That was her boyfriend. Don't be mistaken, and thinkin'
that was just some guy returning glasses, right?
When's the last time you left some shit in a restaurant
and they brought it back to your house?
Shit, I want to eat there!
Shit, you could leave a newborn baby in a restaurant
and they'll put him in the coat room!
Second of all, he was known to drive around town
in this Ferrari that O.J. had bought for her.
Think about that shit.
I buy you a car and you're gonna let another man drive around in my car?
Are you out of your fuckin' mind?! Shit!
God! You better recognize...
Shit, I don't even have a Ferrari, but if I saw somebody driving my Pinto ...
...That shit would blow like the Godfather!
I'm not sayin' he shoulda killed her...
...But I understand!
You know what else? O.J. was paying $25,000 a month in alimony.
$25,000! 25! and $4000 a month for food! For food!
What the fuck was she eatin' for 4 grand a month?
I guess she's like: "I gotta get some extra cheese on my Whopper!"
Yo women, y'all got it good, boy...
When it's time to get a divorce, women got it made.
They go to court, start talkin' that shit:
"Your Honor, I'm used to this, I'm used to that,
I'm 'accustomed' to this..."
Yo, what the fuck is "accustomed"?
What that got to do with shit?
Hey! You go to a restaurant, you're accustomed to eat.
You leave, you ain't eatin' no more. They don't owe you a steak!
Now, women go to court, talk that shit: "Your Honor, I'm used to this, I'm used to that, I want some money; give me some money!"
And they get the money!
What about what the man's used to? What about what the man's accustomed to?
That might not be money.
But during the course of a relationship a man grows accustomed to a few things.
Now, I would love to see a man go to court and say,
"Your Honor, check this out..."
"Now I'm accustomed to fuckin' her four times a week ...
"Now I feel I should be able to fuck her at least twice a week!
"I mean, she can have the alimony. But I want some pussy payments!"
Am I wrong?
That's, right, man, shit!
That alimony, that's what made OJ crack!
That alimony! Shit, payin' that big-ass alimony,
he ain't scored a touchdown in twenty years...
That's right, shoulda had a pre-nup.
That's right, prenuptial agreement. Everybody needs a pre-nup.
People think you gotta be rich to get a prenup, oh no!
You've got 20 million, and your wife wants 10?
Big deal, you ain't starving.
But if you make 30,000... and your wife wants 15...
...You might have to kill her!
Shit! "Shit, I ain't gonna move back with my mama 'cause you ain't in love!"
"You gonna have to die!"
So you gotta think about OJ's situation: $25,000 a month,
another man drivin' around in his car, fuckin' his wife,
in a house he's still payin' the mortgage on.
Now I'm not sayin' he shoulda killed her...
...But I understand!
You know who I feel for in the OJ case, who I feel for more than everybody else, man?
Everybody, O.J., Nicole, Kaelin- fuck all of 'em, man. Do you know who I really feel for, who I feel for more than anybody else?
Ike Turner!
You know why? Cause Ike was the king of the woman-beaters, 'til OJ took his title!
Now Ike's goin', "Hey, I coulda killed Tina!"
"What about me?"
What's black got to do with it?"
That's the big thing now, domestic abuse!
That's the big shit in '96, domestic abuse!
Everybody's doin' it: OJ, Warren Moon, Billy Dee Williams...
Billy Dee Williams, Billy Dee Williams hittin' on women!
What the fuck is the world comin' to?
Say it isn't so!
Billy Dee Williams! What? I guess he musta had a little too much Colt 45.
You know what they say, "There's no reason to ever hit a woman."
Shit!
There's a reason to hit everybody.
Just don't do it.
Shit, there's a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs.
Just don't do it.
Ain't nobody above a ass-whoopin'.
Ok?
Anybody can give you a reason to hit 'em.
And women know this for a fact. Women, I don't even,
men don't even have that, women know this for a fact,
there ain't nothin' more crazy,
nothin' more out of control,
nothin' more likely to embarrass you
in a fuckin' restaurant
than a woman that knows
you ain't gonna hit her!
When a woman is with a man she knows
a 100% ain't gonna hit her, oh!
She can't wait for him to do somethin' wrong
so she can yell at him like a little boy.
"What the fuck you gonna do? Kiss my ass!
I don't care where we are, just kiss my ass!
"ya punk, ya punk ass! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!"
And the man's like, "How the fuck we get here?"
I'll tell you how ya got there.
You got in a argument with your woman,
and went too far, and that was it.
And women, you know you can go too far.
She's like "You can't." Yes, you can go too fucking far!
I'm a man, and if I'm havin' an argument with a man that's bigger than me
I know there's a zone I don't go into.
Ok? There's a zone I don't fuck with, ok?
Women, women will go at you, they don't give a fuck.
They'll spit on you, they'll hit you: "What the fuck are you gonna do? What the fuck are you gonna do?"
Then she says something... they say the wrong thing, something like:
"That's why your mama's a bitch!"
And she knows she went too far!
Then she braces herself for the hit like...
then the hit don't come, she's like: "Oh, I've got him now!
"You little dick motherfucker, kiss my ass! Little dick motherfucker! Yeah, I don't give a fuck!
"Yeah, I fucked all your friends, that's right! Yeah, I did that! I tossed the salad, child!"
No, I do not think it's cool to hit women, I ain't on that shit.
I don't think that's cool, I've never hit a woman in my life and would never hit a woman. I do not do that shit.
I would never ever hit a woman in my life, never!
That ain't cool!
I would never hit a woman. No! But I'd shake the shit outta a woman!
"What's wrong with you? You crazy, woman?"
"I'll kill you, girl! What the fuck are you tossin' salad for?"
"Are you crazy? Are you a fuckin' nut? Shut the fuck up!"
"Shut the fuck up! Shut up! I'll let go when you shut up!"
"I'll shake this wig off your head!"
"I don't give a fuck! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!"
"I'm gonna let go... and you're gonna sit down here,
you're gonna fuckin' eat your food ...
"We gonna argue when we get home, alright?
I don't wanna hear no shit!
"You're gonna fuckin' eat your fuckin' food,
and we gonna argue when we get home, ok?
"Ok? Ok? I'm gonna let go-
I better not hear shit!
"Problem?"
Now we've got a lot of things... a lot of racism
going on in the world right now.
Who's more racist, black people or white people?
Black people! You know why? 'cause we hate black people too!
Everything white people don't like about black people,
black people really don't like about black people.
There's some shit going on with black people right now.
It's like a civil war going on with black people...
and there's two sides:
there's black people, and there's niggas.
The niggas have got to go.
Every time black people want to have a good time,
ignorant-ass niggas fuck it up!
You can't do shit!
You can't do shit without some
ignorant=ass niggas fuckin' it up!
You can't do nothin', you can't keep a disco open more than 3 weeks ...
Grand opening, grand closin'!
Can't go to a movie the first week it come out, why?
'Cause niggas are shootin' at the screen!
What kinda ignorant shit is that?
"Hey, this is a good movie, this so good I gotta bust a cap in here!"
Hey, I love black people, but I hate niggas!
Oh, I hate niggas!
Boy, I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!
Shit, I'd do a drive-by from here to Brooklyn!
Tired of niggas, man!
You can't have shit when ya around niggas,
You can't have shit. You can't have no big screen TV!
You can have it, but you better move it in at 3 in the morning.
Paint it white, hope niggas think it's a bassinet.
Can't have shit in your house! Why?! 'cause niggas will break in your house.
Niggas that live next door to you break in your house,
come over the next day and go,
"I heard you got robbed!"
Nigga, you know you robbed me.
You ain't hear shit 'cause you was doin' shit!
Damn! Tired of niggas!
Tired, tired, tired, tired, tired of niggas, man.
Damn, You know what's the worst thing about niggas?
Niggas always want some credit for some shit they supposed to do.
For some shit that you're supposed to do!
A nigga will brag about some shit a normal man just does.
A nigga will say some shit like, "I take care of my kids."
You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker! What are you talkin' about?
What are you talkin' about? What kind of ignorant shit is that?
"I ain't never been to jail!" Whatcha want, a cookie?!
You're not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker!
Fuck man, I'm tired of this shit! And you know the worst thing
about niggas, the worst thing about niggas?
Niggas love to not know.
Nothin' makes a nigga happier than not knowin' the answer to your question.
Just ask a nigga a question. Anything!
"What is the capital of Zaire?" "I do not know that shit!"
"Keepin' it real!"
Niggas love to keep it real! Real dumb!
Niggas hate knowin'! Shit!
So niggas break in your house, you want to save your money?
Put it in your books!
'Cause niggas don't read!
Just put the money in the books! Shit, books are like kryptonite to a nigga!
"Here's a book!"
"Nooooo! Nooooo, noooo a book!"
I'm tired of this shit, man. Your kids can't fuckin' play nowhere.
Every year the space gets smaller. "Ok, you go from that corner to that corner."
"You can go from that gate to that gate."
By the time a motherfucka ten he's just hopping in a circle...
I'm tired of this shit, man! Tired, tired, tired!
Be-bop-bo-bigga, boy I hate a nigga!
I'm tired of this shit, man! Tired, man!
Niggas just ignorant, love bein' ignorant, singin' about ignorance!
I heard some song the other day:
"It's the first of the month..."
Niggas are singin' welfare carols!
"On the first day a welfare my true love gave to me"
"I wish you a merry welfare and a happy foodstamps!"
What the fuck is goin' on?
What the fuck is goin' on?
Now they've got some shit, they're tryin' to get rid of welfare.
Though every time you see welfare they always show black people.
Black people don't give a fuck about welfare. Niggas are shakin' in their boots!
"Oh, they gonna take our shit!"
Shit, a black man that's got two jobs, goes to work every day, hates a nigga on welfare.
"Nigga, get a job! I've got two, you can't get one?
"I would give your lazy ass one of mine, but you'll get fucked up and get laid off,
"And they wouldn't hire another nigga for ten years!"
Shit! A black woman, they've got two kids, goin' to work every day, bustin' her ass,
hates a bitch with nine kids gettin' welfare!
"Hey bitch, stop fucking! Stop fucking! Stop it!"
"Put the dick down!"
"Put it down, get a job! Yes, you can get a job"
"Get a job holdin' dicks. Whatever you do, get paid to do it!"
I'm tired of this shit, man. Tired, tired, tired!
It ain't all black people on welfare, shit. White people are on welfare too.
But we can't give a fuck about them. We've just got to do our own thing.
You can't go, "Oh, they're fucked up? We can be fucked up!" That's ignorant!
White people don't...
First of all, they try to make it look like...
there ain't even that many black people in the country, ok?
Black people are 10% of the fuckin' population,
Black people are in New York, DC, LA, Chicago, Atlanta...
like, ten places, ok?
Ok? Ten places...
there ain't no black people in Minnesota!
All you find... the only black people in Minnesota
is Prince and Kirby Puckett, ok?
Shit, the whole rest of the country, the other 40 states,
is filled up with broke-ass white people!
Broke-ass, livin' in a trailer home, eatin' mayonnaise sandwiches,
fuckin' their sister, listenin' to John Cougar Mellencamp records!
Shit, get the fuck out of here, man!
"And they need your help!"
No, man! Now I see some black people lookin' at me, "Man...
...why you gotta say that?"
"Why you gotta say that? It ain't us, it's the media.
It ain't us, it's the media."
"The media has distorted our image to make us look bad."
"Why must you come down on us like that, brother?
It ain't us, it's the media!"
Please, cut the fuckin' shit, Ok? Ok? Ok?
When I go to the money machine at night, alright?
I ain't lookin' over my back for the media,
I'm lookin' for niggas!
Shit, Ted Koppel ain't never took shit from me!
(ABC journalist)
Niggas have!
So you think I've got three guns in my house
'cause the media outside?
Oh shit, Mike Wallace! Run!
(CBS journalist)
Get the fuck outta here, man!
I'm tired of this shit. Tired, tired, tired of this shit!
I don't know, I need to go back to school. That's what I need to do.
Oh, lemme stop lyin', I need to go TO school.
But you know why, if you're black, you get more respect
comin' out of jail than school.
You get no respect coming out of school.
You come out of jail you're the fucking man!
"Whatsup, nigga?"
You come out of school nobody gives a fuck.
"Hey man, I got outta school, got my master's!"
"So what, bitch?"
"You punk-ass bitch! Don't come round with all that readin' and shit!"
"Don't come 'round with all that countin', shit.
I can count too: 1, 2, 4, 5, so what?"
"I'm countin' these rocks, biatch!"
You can have a master's degree, niggas don't care.
"Hey man, I got my master's!"
"What, you're my master now?"
"I'm s'posed to listen to your punk ass?
Fuck you, nigga!
"Fuck you. So what you got a master's degree!
So what you got a motherfuckin' master's degree?"
"Oh, you the smarty art nigga, huh? You're the smarty art nigga!"
"Let me ask you this, let me ask you this:"
"Can you kick my ass?"
All niggas worth nothin'.
I dropped out of school. Dropped out. Sorry.
Got myself a G.E.D. You know what G.E.D. stands for?
Good Enough Diploma.
You know G.E.D.'s bullshit. So let me get this straight,
I can make up four years in six hours.
You know, as soon as you get your G.E.D.,
somebody's always got the nerve to go: "Now you can go to college!"
Slow down!
I think it's obvious high school is bustin' my ass.
You can't go to no college with no G.E.D.!
Only college you can go to with a G.E.D.
is community college.
You know why are they called community colleges?
Cause anybody in a community can go, "crackheads, prostitutes, drug dealers, come on in!"
Community college is like a disco with books.
"Here's ten dollars, let me get my learn on!"
So I was at community college, I'm in there...
"Let me take some shit I know."
So I took a Black history class.
I gotta know this, I'm black, right?
I get a B just for showing up, right?
Wrong! Failed. Ain't that some sad shit?
A black man failing black history...
that's sad....
'Cause, you know,
fat people don't fail cookin'!
"That's paprika!"
Failed Black history. Why?
'Cause I didn't know shit about Africa!
Cause you know, you go to white schools, you learn Europe up the ass.
Never learn shit about it...
I still don't know shit about Africa.
The only thing I know about Africa, it's far.
Africa is far, far away. Africa's like a 35-hour flight.
So you know that boat ride was real long!
The boat ride's so long there's still slaves on their way here!
I didn't know nothin' at school. All I knew was Martin Luther King.
That's all they'd teach you at school about black people:
Martin Luther King!
That was my answer to everything, "Martin Luther King!"
"What is the capital of Zaire?"
"Martin Luther King!"
"Can you tell us the name of the woman that would not
leave her seat on the bus?" "Ooh, that's hard..."
"Are you sure it was a woman?"
"Oh, I've got it! Martina Luther King!"
You know what's so sad, man? You know what's wild?
Martin Luther King stood for non-violence.
Now what's Martin Luther King? A street!
And I don't give a fuck where you live in America, if you on
Martin Luther King Boulevard, there's some violence going down!
It ain't the safest place to be.
You can't call nobody tellin' them you lost on MLK...
"I'm lost, I'm on Martin Luther King..."
"Run! Run! Run!"
"The media's there!"
Sad, sad, sad!
Now, a lotta women here tonight. That's good.
I like women. My mother is a woman, that helps.
You know a cool thing about women?
Women get to have platonic friends.
"He's my pal, he's my bud...
"He is my platonic friend, I love him like a brother!
"He's my bud, my platonic friend!"
Men don't have platonic friends, ok?
We just have women we haven't fucked yet!
"As soon as I'm figurin' this out, I'm in there!"
We've got some platonic friends, oh no, I got some but they all by accident!
Every platonic friend I've got is some woman I was trying to fuck...
...I made a wrong turn somewhere...
...and ended up in the Friend Zone!
"Oh, no, I am in the Friend Zone!"
Women keep platonic friends forever.
Why? 'cause you never know...
That's right, they get rid of girlfriends every 6 months!
"What happened to Pam?"
"She think she's cute."
But they keep the platonic friends forever. Why?
'Cause you never know...
"What happened to Carol?"
"I can't hang with her!"
But they keep them platonic friends forever, why?
'Cause you never know...
Do you know what a platonic friend is to a woman?
It's like a dick in a glass case.
"In case of emergency break open glass."
Fellas, if your woman's got platonic friends
that's who she'll be fuckin' when you mess up!
One of them guys you ain't even thinkin' about, boy. She'll be cryin' on his shoulder:
"I can't believe this happened, I'm so glad you're here..."
That's right! It's gonna happen to you!
You know the next man to fuck your woman.
You've met him, he's been in your house,
he's ate your food, he's drank your wine!
And he shall betray you!
Women got it good. One thing I learned about women:
Guys, never ask a woman how many men she's slept with!
'Cause you don't want to know.
Just be happy you're fuckin' her now.
Why you wanna know? You ain't discoverin' shit!
You ain't puttin' a flag nowhere.
Just be happy you're gettin' it now.
Why, why you wanna know? Why, why, why, why?
First of all, no matter what she say, it's too much for you.
No matter what she say. She can go: "Two."
And you're like: "Two?!"
"Two? Two?! No, no, no! Two? Two?!"
"I guess that's how you was raised..."
Women'll lie. Why you wanna make your woman...
'cause she's gonna lie.
Women will lie about how many guys she fucked in court! They don't care.
"Yeah, I swear"
"Whoo hoo..."
Yeah, if she says three, that's ten!
'Cause you've got to give every woman like a 7-dick curve.
That's more like 3 dicks to the 8th power!
And women, y'all think y'all slick, y'all ain't slick...
I know the game, I've watched it unfold.
If you ask a woman how many guys she fucked, she's not gonna tell you how many guys she fucked.
She'll tell you how many boyfriends she had.
'Cause women only count their boyfriends. That's right,
they don't count all those miscellaneous dicks they had.
That guy they met at the club...
The guy they fucked in the club that night,
or that time they fucked Bobby Brown!
Or the guy they fucked in Jamaica:
"That's another country, it don't count!"
"I thought we just talkin' about domestic dicks!"
Women got it good. Good, good, good, good, good.
I don't know. I feel sorry for women sexually sometimes.
'cause men, we only have one responsibility: knock it out, that's it.
Be good in bed - that's your only responsibility.
Women, you know, they can be good, but sometimes
they try not to be too good, know what I mean?
Sometimes women have to ration out the pussy, you know?
So they want a man to think he's got a good woman, but they don't want him to think he got a FREAK.
So they gotta ration out the pussy.
"Ok, I'm gonna fuck him now, but I won't suck his dick for two weeks."
"All right, I'm gonna suck his dick now, but I won't lick his balls till next month."
"All right, I'm gonna lick his balls now, but I won't lick his ass till next year!"
See, men, we gotta do all our tricks right away,
whatever we got, just give it..... whatever.
We can't hold nothin' back.
We don't know if there's gonna be a return engagement.
So we got to go for it.
I just don't know...
I'm just at another phase in my life, at another point in my life, you know.
It's time to settle down, time to settle down.
That's what time it is, time to settle down.
Women always ready to settle down.
Shit, a woman go on four good dates, she's like, "Why are we bullshittin'?"
"What are you waiting for?"
Men never ready to settle down.
Men don't settle down. We surrender!
"Alright, I'll marry ya..."
"Alright, damn! Ok. Just tell me the day before,
I'll be there, alright, damn."
No offense, but you gotta... every man gotta...
especially men, you gotta settle down.
Do you know why you gotta settle down eventually?
Because you don't wanna be the old guy in the club.
You know what I'm talkin' about. Any club you go into, there's always one old guy.
He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.
You do not want to be that brother. So you got to settle down.
So I get to a point in life where you've got to figure out what's important to you.
On the one hand you've got commitment. You and your woman together.
Living, sharing, loving, growing. It is the most beautiful thing in the world.
And you know that.
But before you can settle down, you've got to get over this other shit...
That's right, 'cause every man's got a choice to make.
Every single man in here, got a choice to make.
And you know what that choice is.
Commitment...
...Or new pussy!
That is the question!
Commitment... or new pussy!
You know, commitment may give you a headache every now and then...
...new pussy always clears your mind!
But you've got to think about life in the long term.
Now, people tell you life is short. No, it's not.
Life is long. Especially if you make the wrong decisions!
And in the long term...
...If I'm sick, is new pussy going to take care of me? No!
If I'm hungry, is new pussy going to feed me? New pussy can't cook!
If I've got a baby, is new pussy going to teach him how to read? New pussy is illiterate!
So I gotta come back to commitment.
And turn this old pussy into new pussy!
That's right, I've got to recycle the pussy!
I've got to recycle the pussy!
'Cause that's what a relationship is all about: recycling, keeping it new.
If it ain't new, it's through!
But fellas, if you decide to commit, you've got to commit.
You've got to commit.
Can't cheat. Wanna cheat? Can't cheat!
Dyin' to cheat? Can't cheat!
Ain't it, Can't wait to cheat? Can't cheat!
Shit, some guys got to go to rehab not to cheat!
It's hard not to cheat.
Women don't want to hear that shit, it's hard not to cheat!
Do you know why it's hard not to cheat?
'Cause women like men that are in relationship. Guys know what I'm talkin' about.
When you were single, nobody was thinkin' about your ugly ass.
But then your woman got a hold of you, she cut your hair, washed you down,
gave you a Life Saver, wiped out the crust out your eyes...
...Now everybody wanna fuck ya!
When you was single, nobody was calling your ass up!
Now your phone's ringing off the hook. Crazy, freaky sex calls, like:
"Hey, what you doin'? You know, me and my girlfriend are having a dick-suckin' contest"
"And we thought you'd be a good judge."
You never got that call when you were single.
Now you get it every Tuesday!
But you can't cheat! Can't cheat!
Know why? 'Cause you're gonna get caught!
You're gonna get caught... I don't care who you are,
you're 007 you gonna get caught!
You are gonna get caught.
And you don't wanna get caught.
--I'd rather get caught stealin' some shit from the government,
than to get caught cheatin' on a woman.
'Cause I got caught out there.
'Bout five years ago.
I remember like it was yesterday.
The woman found two condoms in my pocket...
...but it was a pack of three!
And all I could hear was: "Where's the other condom?"
"Where's the other condom? Where the fuck's the other condom? Where is the condom?"
Yo, women are just like the police.
They can have all the evidence in the world, but they want the confession!
"I know you did it, just admit it.
"I know you did it, just admit it.
"I know you did it, I got it on film!
"I know you did it, just admit it.
"I found a blonde hair. You was fuckin' a cracker-ass cracker, wasn't ya?
"I know you did it, just admit it.
"Can you be a man? Can you be a fuckin' man?
"And say that today I wasn't good?"
"Did she toss your salad?"
"I know you did, just admit it."
And if that don't work, the women get psychological on your ass...
...and try to trick you into confessin'.
Then they start going, "It'll be all right if you just say you did it."
"It'll be all right if you just say you did it."
"Honey, it'll be all right if you just say you did it."
And you hear that shit 900 times, you start losin' your mind.
You start thinkin', "I guess it'll be all right..."
"...if I just say I did it!"
"Honey, I did it, is it all right?"
"No, it ain't alright! I can't believe you did that!"
"But I thought you said you knew it."
"I didn't know till you told me!"
And time goes by... and she forgives you!
But she never forgets!
And you drivin' to grandma's house and say,
"Oh, babe, I'll make a right turn right here."
"Did you make a right with that bitch?"
"From now on, no matter where we go,
it's all left turns, you understand?"
And you know what the crazy shit is? You cheated on your woman.
She shouldn't trust you no more.
But she does. Eventually she does.
But you know what happens now? Now you don't trust her!
You cheated on her, and now you don't trust her.
What kinda ignorant shit is that?
You know what happened? You just fucked around your woman.
You know what happens when you fuck around your woman?
You done gave her a get-some-dick free card!
And you never know when she gonna cash it in!
You might get to the point, she found out you was cheatin', she wanna break up.
If she wanna break up, run!
You got off lucky!
But you ain't gonna get that lucky! No, no, no!
As soon as you get to the door, she like, "No, no!
"Let's work it out!"
You know what "work it out" means? Payback!
You know what the first part of payback is?
You ain't getting no pussy for a long time!
Boy, you ain't gonna get no pussy 'til the Bills win the Super Bowl!
And she gonna make sure you gettin' no new pussy either,
because she gettin' you a beeper, a cellular phone, a car phone,
put one of these on your ankle like a prisoner...
...and every time you leave the house you gotta check in:
"I'm outside. I'm on the court. I'm in the car. I'm on the road. I'm at the supermarket."
"I bought a pack of franks. I'm comin' home. I got some butter. I'm on my way. I ran a light. The cops are chasin' me.
"They chasin' me. They chasin' me. I ran out the car.
"They shot me in the leg. I'm hoppin'. I'm hoppin'. I'm almost home. I'm almost home. I'm in the driveway.
"I'm right next to ya. I love ya!"
Thanks! Thank you! Thank ya!
Live from the Takoma Theatre in Washington D.C.
Are you ready?
D.C., are you ready?
It's time to bring the pain,
give it up for Mr. Chris Rock!
What's up?
Washington!
D.C., chocolate city!
That's right! Home of the Million Man March!
That's right, the Million Man March!
That had all the positive black leaders there!
Farrakhan, Jesse (Jackson)
Marion Barry ...
(Mayor of DC re-elected after smoking crack on video)
Marion Barry... at the Million Man March!
How did he get a ticket?
It was a day of positivity! How'd he get it?
Marion Barry at the Million Man March,
do you know what that means?
It means that even in our finest hour
we had a crackhead on stage!
Yeah, boo if you want, you know I'm right!
How the hell did Marion
Barry get his job back?
Smoked crack and got his job back.
How the hell did that happen?
If you get caught smoking crack at McDonald's
you can't get your job back!
That's right, they not gonna trust you
around the Happy Meals!
They'll send yo' ass to Hardee's!
(Another American fast food chain).
Smoked crack and got his job!
All I wanna know who was so ...
Who ran against him that they lost?
Who was so bad they lost to a crackhead?
What was their campaign like?
Were they, on heroin?
"Vote for me!"
"Vote for me!
Don't vote for crack, vote for smack!"
Marion Barry... come on now,
how are you gonna tell little kids to not get high...
when the mayor's on crack?
"Don't get high. You won't be nothing."
"I could be Mayor!"
Crack everywhere, crack everywhere ...
you know what they say?
"Crack is destroying the black community."
"Crack is destroying the ghetto."
Yeah, like the ghetto was so nice before crack!
They say that shit like everybody in the hood
had a mansion, a yacht and a swimming pool ...
... then crack came by and dried it all up!
I think we always focus
on the negative side of crack ...
Always on the negative side of crack.
What about the good side of crack?
What about the beauty of crack?
What about the good things that crack has brought
into our minds that were not here before?
Do you know what the good side of crack is?
If you're up at the right hour
you can get a VCR for $ 1.50!
You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.
Why? 'cause of crack!
Shit ...
At Christmastime, have you ever
buy somebody a crack gift?
They think you've got them something.
"Oh, you should not have!" "I didn't!"
Bought it from a crackhead!
I think they should just legalize crack.
Legalize it.
Do you know why I want them to legalize crack?
Just so my friends' mothers can
have something to brag about.
"You know, Ronald got his own crack house now!
Johnny's got his own crack house.
When I drive by every day, I go there my
baby's crack house right there.
They got jumbo.
Legalize it, man.
All drugs should be legal.
Why? People want to get high.
That's right.
People think about getting high right now.
People are like: "Damn, how much longer is this show?"
People love to get high! You could get rid of all the
illegal drugs in the world it won't mean shit.
People wanna get high.
If you get rid of all the crack, all the herb, all the blow,
you know what'll happen?
People'll just think of new ways of gettin' high.
That's right, guys will go in their basement and become scientists like, "Check this out, check this out!"
"You know, if you get a baby's bottle, right? Fill it up with a little gasoline, dead lima beans and then suck it. You'll be fucked up!"
That's right man! Now we've got the war on drugs. Bullshit!
The war on drugs is bullshit, it is the way to get more motherfuckers in jail, that's all it is ... yeah!
That's all it is!
The drug dealers don't really sell drugs.
The drug dealers ... offer drugs!
I'm thirty years old, ain't nobody ever sold me drugs.
Nobody has ever sold nobody in this room some drugs!
You ever in your life not thinking about getting high and somebody sold you some fucking drugs?
Hell, no!
The drug dealers offer: "Man, you want some smoke, you want some smoke?"
You say "No", that's it!
Now, Jehovah's Witnesses, on the other hand ...
Shit!
No, man, drug dealers don't sell drugs: drugs sell themselves.
It's Crack, it's not an encyclopedia, not a fucking vacuum cleaner!
You don't really gotta try to sell crack, okay?
I never heard a crack dealer go, "Man, how am I gonna get rid of all this crack?"
"It's just piled up in my house!"
That's right, man! I don't fuck around.
Probably main reason I do not do drugs is my big brother. Big brother.
Junkie alcoholic! But doesn't eat pork, 'cause "pork's no good for ya!"
People are full of shit, man. People shoot
heroin, and go: "You know, red meat'll kill you!"
What do you mean "red meat'll kill you"?
Only in America we say some bullshit like "red meat'll kill you."
We've got too much food in America. Too much food!
"Red meat can kill you"? People are starving all over the world!
What do you mean, "Red meat will kill you"? No, no no!
Don't eat no red meat? No. Don't eat no green meat, okay?
What are you talking about? You know, if you are one of the chosen few people on this earth
who's lucky enough to get your hands on a steak: bite the shit out of it!
Too much food in America!
We've got so much food in America, America is the only country in the whole world that makes people feel bad for being fat.
The only country in the whole world. People are starvin' all over the world.
You're fat some place else, people are like: "Damn, how'd you do that?"
"That's amazing! I gotta hang with you!"
"Oh, you think you're all that with your fat ass?"
"I put on some weight, we're gonna hang! "
Too much food in America, man!
We've got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food!
Hungry people aren't allergic to shit!
So do you think anybody in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?
Now we've got some people who don't eat pork, what the fuck is that shit about?
You don't eat pork! You don't eat pork!
Some people don't eat pork for religious reasons, which I think is dumb,
I ain't shittin' on no one's religion...
but I refuse to believe
that on Judgment Day my diet's goin' to come into question, OK?
What you eat don't got shit to do with who you are as a person, ok?
"Hey God, I killed a bunch of kids... but I ate right!"
No! That ain't gonna happen, man. No.
You see, people don't realize that religious books were written by man.
Man wrote everything. Man wrote the Bible, man wrote the Koran, man wrote the Torah, all that shit written by men.
And thousands of years ago, before... you know, like, 5,000 years ago,
before there was Reynolds Wrap, before there was refrigerators, before there was freezers, before there was seasonin'...
a pork chop might kill you!
That's right, one drop: "Aaaah!" Dead!
But times have changed. That's right, you see, times have changed,
People, you know, 5,000 years ago were like, "Damn, this pork is killin' everybody!"
"How can we get people to not eat pork?"
"Ok! Tell them God said, don't eat it."
And everybody said, "Okay, tell 'em God said, don't eat it."
And they stopped eatin' it.
But times have changed though. And now we've got refrigerators, we've got freezers,
we've got Saran Wrap, we've got Reynolds Wrap! Now a pork chop's your friend!
That's right, if you are starvin', a pork chop will save your life!
Shit, I'll eat a pig's ass, if they cook it right!
My family's from the South. You know,
people from the South love some pork.
No matter what you eat down South, they've got some pork in it!
"Hey, this is a good fish, what kind of fish is it?" "Pork fish!"
You know what the nastiest part of pork is? Pig feet.
Pig feet be sittin' in that old-ass jar,
that same jar been sittin' in the store since you was about 14 years old!
And pig feet are floating around in that liquid, the brown beige rust liquid ...
What is the liquid? What is that, pig piss?
And people actually pick out the pig feet
"No, not that one, the other one..."
Like there's a difference in nasty-ass pig feet!
"No, give me that one, the one with the nail in it!
"Nah, I want the athlete's pig foot!"
A lot of stuff goin' on this year.
Everything racial this year.
What was the big thing this year? Elections! Colin Powell!
"He should run! He could win!
Colin could win, he should run!"
Can't win! Colin Powell can't win!
Colin Powell's got a better chance of winning the bronze in female gymnastics...
...than bein' the President of the United States.
Get the fuck out! White people ain't votin' for Colin Powell!
They say they are--
They are not!
Ok? Just wanna soup his head up, make him run,
he'll get killed tryin' to run.
Shit, Colin Powell!
White people say they gonna vote for him
'cause it seems like the right thing to say.
It just seems like a cool thing to say:
"Yeah, Ima vote for him..."
It just seems like the right thing to say, just like when you ask somebody if they want to be an organ donor.
They always say "yeah"... But nobody wants to be an organ donor!
Nobody, it just seems like the right thing to say.
Shit, organ donor is for people with no faith at all!
You know, what if they figured out a way to bring you back from the dead?
And now I ain't got no eyes!
Ain't this a bitch! Back from the dead and I can't see shit!
"Mom, I'm back! Momma, where's my eyes?
"You gave them to a little boy in Idaho?
"Now I gotta go kill him to get my eyes back!"
Colin Powell can't be president!
You know how I could tell Colin Powell can't be president?
Whenever Colin Powell is on the news, white people always give him the same compliments.
Always the same compliments! "How do you feel about Colin Powell?"
"He speaks so well!"
"He's so well-spoken!", "He speaks so well!",
"I mean, he really speaks well!", "He speaks so well!"
Like that's a compliment! "Speaks so well" is not a compliment, Ok?
"Speaks so well" is some shit you say
about retarded people, that can talk!
What do you mean "He speaks well"?
What, did he have a stroke the other day?
What the fuck? He's a educated man. How the fuck do you expect him to sound, ya dirty motherfucker? What are you talkin' about?
"He speaks so well ..."
What are you talking about, "he speaks so well"?
What voice were you lookin' to come outta his mouth? What the fuck did you expect him to sound like?
"I'm gonna drop me a bomb today!"
"I'll be prez-o-dent!"
Get the fuck outta here!
Now they're talkin' that Colin Powell should run for vice president.
Do it for his country. Fuck the country! Shit!
He gonna run with a guy he could beat. He gonna run with fuckin' Dole. He could beat Dole!
They only ask a black man to do somethin' that fuckin' stupid. Run with a guy he could beat.
Get the fuck out of here!
They wouldn't ask no white guy to do no shit like that!
They're not gonna ask Al Gore to run with Al Sharpton, no!
Get the fuck out of here, man!
Vice-President... you know what? That ain't gonna happen!
As long as you live you ain't ever gonna see no black vice president.
Not while the president's white!
Oh no, you will never see... do you know what they say, "never say never"?
I'm sayin' never!
You will never see no black vice president. Not while there's a white president, and you know why?
'Cause some black guy would just kill the president, that's why!
Shit, I'd do it!
If we had a black vice president right now, I couldn't wait to kill the president!
Shit!
Now what's gonna happen? What're you gonna you do,
put me in jail with a bunch of black guys
that'll treat me like a hero for the rest of my life?
Shit, even if they had a death penalty, what would happen?
Get pardoned by the black president!
I'd be the biggest star in the history of jail!
Be signin' autographs, "97/KY-- Here you go!"
Shit, I'd be in jail guys would come at me:
"Yo, Chris, Chris, yo, man! I hope my kids turn out to be just like you, man!"
"You know, I was gettin' ready to rape you 'til I realized who you were!"
Oh, they will rape you in jail, boy!
See, the whole damn country is so
damn conservative now. Everybody says:
"Jails ain't tough enough. Jails ain't tough enough."
"We gotta have the death penalty. Jails ain't tough enough."
Jails are fucked up, ok?
Don't believe the hype. The problem is ...
The reason jails are so crowded 'cause life is fucked up too!
People are broke, people are starving, life ...
... Shit!
Life is catching up to jail!
Shit, if you live in an old project, a new jail ain't that bad!
Shit, I've watched on HBO they had a special on: The Jail Special.
A couple of months ago. Now, normally when you see a special
about jail, it's on regular TV and there is a lot of shit they don't show.
Oh, not the HBO Jail Special!
Oh, they showed it all. They interviewed a brother an' they said now:
"Sir, when a new inmate comes in and he wants some drugs, how do you initiate him?"
The guy goes, "Well, the first thing I do is make him toss my salad!"
The guy is like: "Toss my salad? What is that?"
"Havin' yo' salad tossed means havin' your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup."
"I prefer syrup!"
I'm not making this up!
And then the guy says, "Why must you go through all that, why not just oral sex?"
And he goes: "Well, when a man's suckin' your dick, he can pretend that's somethin' else."
"When he's eatin' ass, he knows it's ass!"
I tell ya!
We don't need the death penalty! We got the toss-salad man!
Shit, if I had a choice right now between the electric chair and tossin' a salad ...
I'd be like: "So where do you plug it in?
"Shouldn't I be wet?"
Everybody says: "Oh, schools are out of control, they're out of control,
"We need prayer in the schools." We do not need prayer in school!
We need the toss-salad man in school!
That'll straighten the kids out!
"Hey Jimmy, you've got a D. You know what you gotta do?"
"Noooooo! Nooooo! I don't wanna toss the salad!
I don't wanna toss salad!"
"I'm gonna read! I'm gonna learn to read!"
Lot of racial shit this year ...
Lot of racial shit: what was the big thing? O.J.!
(OJ Simpson was acquitted of murder charges)
O.J. was big. That's right.
Black people too happy, white people too mad.
White people like: "This a bullshit!"
I ain't seen white people that mad since they cancelled "M.A.S.H."!
Black people way too happy...like, "Yay! We won, we won! Yay! We won!"
What the fuck did we win?
Every day I look in the mailbox for my O.J. prize: nothin'!
Nothing!
"Ooh. That was all about race."
That shit wasn't about race.
That shit was about fame!
Cause if O.J. wasn't famous,
he'd be in jail right now.
If O.J. drove a bus...
If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn't even be O.J.
He'd be Orenthal the Bus Driving Murderer.
They all go: "Oh, the jury's so stupid."
Get the fuck out of here, man!
"It's so stupid, how did they ...?"
White people would have done exact same shit, OK?
The exact same shit!
Because if that was Jerry Seinfeld charged with double murder
and the only person that found the glove
happened to be in the Nation of Islam ...
Jerry'd be a free man!
Be eatin' cereal right now.
(Seinfeld is known for his love for cereal)
Now, let's break down the case. Who's the guy, Ron Goldman?
(Man who was killed along with wife of OJ Simpson)
That was her boyfriend. Don't be mistaken, and thinkin'
that was just some guy returning glasses, right?
When's the last time you left some shit in a restaurant
and they brought it back to your house?
Shit, I want to eat there!
Shit, you could leave a newborn baby in a restaurant
and they'll put him in the coat room!
Second of all, he was known to drive around town
in this Ferrari that O.J. had bought for her.
Think about that shit.
I buy you a car and you're gonna let another man drive around in my car?
Are you out of your fuckin' mind?! Shit!
God! You better recognize...
Shit, I don't even have a Ferrari, but if I saw somebody driving my Pinto ...
...That shit would blow like the Godfather!
I'm not sayin' he shoulda killed her...
...But I understand!
You know what else? O.J. was paying $25,000 a month in alimony.
$25,000! 25! and $4000 a month for food! For food!
What the fuck was she eatin' for 4 grand a month?
I guess she's like: "I gotta get some extra cheese on my Whopper!"
Yo women, y'all got it good, boy...
When it's time to get a divorce, women got it made.
They go to court, start talkin' that shit:
"Your Honor, I'm used to this, I'm used to that,
I'm 'accustomed' to this..."
Yo, what the fuck is "accustomed"?
What that got to do with shit?
Hey! You go to a restaurant, you're accustomed to eat.
You leave, you ain't eatin' no more. They don't owe you a steak!
Now, women go to court, talk that shit: "Your Honor, I'm used to this, I'm used to that, I want some money; give me some money!"
And they get the money!
What about what the man's used to? What about what the man's accustomed to?
That might not be money.
But during the course of a relationship a man grows accustomed to a few things.
Now, I would love to see a man go to court and say,
"Your Honor, check this out..."
"Now I'm accustomed to fuckin' her four times a week ...
"Now I feel I should be able to fuck her at least twice a week!
"I mean, she can have the alimony. But I want some pussy payments!"
Am I wrong?
That's, right, man, shit!
That alimony, that's what made OJ crack!
That alimony! Shit, payin' that big-ass alimony,
he ain't scored a touchdown in twenty years...
That's right, shoulda had a pre-nup.
That's right, prenuptial agreement. Everybody needs a pre-nup.
People think you gotta be rich to get a prenup, oh no!
You've got 20 million, and your wife wants 10?
Big deal, you ain't starving.
But if you make 30,000... and your wife wants 15...
...You might have to kill her!
Shit! "Shit, I ain't gonna move back with my mama 'cause you ain't in love!"
"You gonna have to die!"
So you gotta think about OJ's situation: $25,000 a month,
another man drivin' around in his car, fuckin' his wife,
in a house he's still payin' the mortgage on.
Now I'm not sayin' he shoulda killed her...
...But I understand!
You know who I feel for in the OJ case, who I feel for more than everybody else, man?
Everybody, O.J., Nicole, Kaelin- fuck all of 'em, man. Do you know who I really feel for, who I feel for more than anybody else?
Ike Turner!
You know why? Cause Ike was the king of the woman-beaters, 'til OJ took his title!
Now Ike's goin', "Hey, I coulda killed Tina!"
"What about me?"
What's black got to do with it?"
That's the big thing now, domestic abuse!
That's the big shit in '96, domestic abuse!
Everybody's doin' it: OJ, Warren Moon, Billy Dee Williams...
Billy Dee Williams, Billy Dee Williams hittin' on women!
What the fuck is the world comin' to?
Say it isn't so!
Billy Dee Williams! What? I guess he musta had a little too much Colt 45.
You know what they say, "There's no reason to ever hit a woman."
Shit!
There's a reason to hit everybody.
Just don't do it.
Shit, there's a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs.
Just don't do it.
Ain't nobody above a ass-whoopin'.
Ok?
Anybody can give you a reason to hit 'em.
And women know this for a fact. Women, I don't even,
men don't even have that, women know this for a fact,
there ain't nothin' more crazy,
nothin' more out of control,
nothin' more likely to embarrass you
in a fuckin' restaurant
than a woman that knows
you ain't gonna hit her!
When a woman is with a man she knows
a 100% ain't gonna hit her, oh!
She can't wait for him to do somethin' wrong
so she can yell at him like a little boy.
"What the fuck you gonna do? Kiss my ass!
I don't care where we are, just kiss my ass!
"ya punk, ya punk ass! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!"
And the man's like, "How the fuck we get here?"
I'll tell you how ya got there.
You got in a argument with your woman,
and went too far, and that was it.
And women, you know you can go too far.
She's like "You can't." Yes, you can go too fucking far!
I'm a man, and if I'm havin' an argument with a man that's bigger than me
I know there's a zone I don't go into.
Ok? There's a zone I don't fuck with, ok?
Women, women will go at you, they don't give a fuck.
They'll spit on you, they'll hit you: "What the fuck are you gonna do? What the fuck are you gonna do?"
Then she says something... they say the wrong thing, something like:
"That's why your mama's a bitch!"
And she knows she went too far!
Then she braces herself for the hit like...
then the hit don't come, she's like: "Oh, I've got him now!
"You little dick motherfucker, kiss my ass! Little dick motherfucker! Yeah, I don't give a fuck!
"Yeah, I fucked all your friends, that's right! Yeah, I did that! I tossed the salad, child!"
No, I do not think it's cool to hit women, I ain't on that shit.
I don't think that's cool, I've never hit a woman in my life and would never hit a woman. I do not do that shit.
I would never ever hit a woman in my life, never!
That ain't cool!
I would never hit a woman. No! But I'd shake the shit outta a woman!
"What's wrong with you? You crazy, woman?"
"I'll kill you, girl! What the fuck are you tossin' salad for?"
"Are you crazy? Are you a fuckin' nut? Shut the fuck up!"
"Shut the fuck up! Shut up! I'll let go when you shut up!"
"I'll shake this wig off your head!"
"I don't give a fuck! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!"
"I'm gonna let go... and you're gonna sit down here,
you're gonna fuckin' eat your food ...
"We gonna argue when we get home, alright?
I don't wanna hear no shit!
"You're gonna fuckin' eat your fuckin' food,
and we gonna argue when we get home, ok?
"Ok? Ok? I'm gonna let go-
I better not hear shit!
"Problem?"
Now we've got a lot of things... a lot of racism
going on in the world right now.
Who's more racist, black people or white people?
Black people! You know why? 'cause we hate black people too!
Everything white people don't like about black people,
black people really don't like about black people.
There's some shit going on with black people right now.
It's like a civil war going on with black people...
and there's two sides:
there's black people, and there's niggas.
The niggas have got to go.
Every time black people want to have a good time,
ignorant-ass niggas fuck it up!
You can't do shit!
You can't do shit without some
ignorant=ass niggas fuckin' it up!
You can't do nothin', you can't keep a disco open more than 3 weeks ...
Grand opening, grand closin'!
Can't go to a movie the first week it come out, why?
'Cause niggas are shootin' at the screen!
What kinda ignorant shit is that?
"Hey, this is a good movie, this so good I gotta bust a cap in here!"
Hey, I love black people, but I hate niggas!
Oh, I hate niggas!
Boy, I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!
Shit, I'd do a drive-by from here to Brooklyn!
Tired of niggas, man!
You can't have shit when ya around niggas,
You can't have shit. You can't have no big screen TV!
You can have it, but you better move it in at 3 in the morning.
Paint it white, hope niggas think it's a bassinet.
Can't have shit in your house! Why?! 'cause niggas will break in your house.
Niggas that live next door to you break in your house,
come over the next day and go,
"I heard you got robbed!"
Nigga, you know you robbed me.
You ain't hear shit 'cause you was doin' shit!
Damn! Tired of niggas!
Tired, tired, tired, tired, tired of niggas, man.
Damn, You know what's the worst thing about niggas?
Niggas always want some credit for some shit they supposed to do.
For some shit that you're supposed to do!
A nigga will brag about some shit a normal man just does.
A nigga will say some shit like, "I take care of my kids."
You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker! What are you talkin' about?
What are you talkin' about? What kind of ignorant shit is that?
"I ain't never been to jail!" Whatcha want, a cookie?!
You're not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker!
Fuck man, I'm tired of this shit! And you know the worst thing
about niggas, the worst thing about niggas?
Niggas love to not know.
Nothin' makes a nigga happier than not knowin' the answer to your question.
Just ask a nigga a question. Anything!
"What is the capital of Zaire?" "I do not know that shit!"
"Keepin' it real!"
Niggas love to keep it real! Real dumb!
Niggas hate knowin'! Shit!
So niggas break in your house, you want to save your money?
Put it in your books!
'Cause niggas don't read!
Just put the money in the books! Shit, books are like kryptonite to a nigga!
"Here's a book!"
"Nooooo! Nooooo, noooo a book!"
I'm tired of this shit, man. Your kids can't fuckin' play nowhere.
Every year the space gets smaller. "Ok, you go from that corner to that corner."
"You can go from that gate to that gate."
By the time a motherfucka ten he's just hopping in a circle...
I'm tired of this shit, man! Tired, tired, tired!
Be-bop-bo-bigga, boy I hate a nigga!
I'm tired of this shit, man! Tired, man!
Niggas just ignorant, love bein' ignorant, singin' about ignorance!
I heard some song the other day:
"It's the first of the month..."
Niggas are singin' welfare carols!
"On the first day a welfare my true love gave to me"
"I wish you a merry welfare and a happy foodstamps!"
What the fuck is goin' on?
What the fuck is goin' on?
Now they've got some shit, they're tryin' to get rid of welfare.
Though every time you see welfare they always show black people.
Black people don't give a fuck about welfare. Niggas are shakin' in their boots!
"Oh, they gonna take our shit!"
Shit, a black man that's got two jobs, goes to work every day, hates a nigga on welfare.
"Nigga, get a job! I've got two, you can't get one?
"I would give your lazy ass one of mine, but you'll get fucked up and get laid off,
"And they wouldn't hire another nigga for ten years!"
Shit! A black woman, they've got two kids, goin' to work every day, bustin' her ass,
hates a bitch with nine kids gettin' welfare!
"Hey bitch, stop fucking! Stop fucking! Stop it!"
"Put the dick down!"
"Put it down, get a job! Yes, you can get a job"
"Get a job holdin' dicks. Whatever you do, get paid to do it!"
I'm tired of this shit, man. Tired, tired, tired!
It ain't all black people on welfare, shit. White people are on welfare too.
But we can't give a fuck about them. We've just got to do our own thing.
You can't go, "Oh, they're fucked up? We can be fucked up!" That's ignorant!
White people don't...
First of all, they try to make it look like...
there ain't even that many black people in the country, ok?
Black people are 10% of the fuckin' population,
Black people are in New York, DC, LA, Chicago, Atlanta...
like, ten places, ok?
Ok? Ten places...
there ain't no black people in Minnesota!
All you find... the only black people in Minnesota
is Prince and Kirby Puckett, ok?
Shit, the whole rest of the country, the other 40 states,
is filled up with broke-ass white people!
Broke-ass, livin' in a trailer home, eatin' mayonnaise sandwiches,
fuckin' their sister, listenin' to John Cougar Mellencamp records!
Shit, get the fuck out of here, man!
"And they need your help!"
No, man! Now I see some black people lookin' at me, "Man...
...why you gotta say that?"
"Why you gotta say that? It ain't us, it's the media.
It ain't us, it's the media."
"The media has distorted our image to make us look bad."
"Why must you come down on us like that, brother?
It ain't us, it's the media!"
Please, cut the fuckin' shit, Ok? Ok? Ok?
When I go to the money machine at night, alright?
I ain't lookin' over my back for the media,
I'm lookin' for niggas!
Shit, Ted Koppel ain't never took shit from me!
(ABC journalist)
Niggas have!
So you think I've got three guns in my house
'cause the media outside?
Oh shit, Mike Wallace! Run!
(CBS journalist)
Get the fuck outta here, man!
I'm tired of this shit. Tired, tired, tired of this shit!
I don't know, I need to go back to school. That's what I need to do.
Oh, lemme stop lyin', I need to go TO school.
But you know why, if you're black, you get more respect
comin' out of jail than school.
You get no respect coming out of school.
You come out of jail you're the fucking man!
"Whatsup, nigga?"
You come out of school nobody gives a fuck.
"Hey man, I got outta school, got my master's!"
"So what, bitch?"
"You punk-ass bitch! Don't come round with all that readin' and shit!"
"Don't come 'round with all that countin', shit.
I can count too: 1, 2, 4, 5, so what?"
"I'm countin' these rocks, biatch!"
You can have a master's degree, niggas don't care.
"Hey man, I got my master's!"
"What, you're my master now?"
"I'm s'posed to listen to your punk ass?
Fuck you, nigga!
"Fuck you. So what you got a master's degree!
So what you got a motherfuckin' master's degree?"
"Oh, you the smarty art nigga, huh? You're the smarty art nigga!"
"Let me ask you this, let me ask you this:"
"Can you kick my ass?"
All niggas worth nothin'.
I dropped out of school. Dropped out. Sorry.
Got myself a G.E.D. You know what G.E.D. stands for?
Good Enough Diploma.
You know G.E.D.'s bullshit. So let me get this straight,
I can make up four years in six hours.
You know, as soon as you get your G.E.D.,
somebody's always got the nerve to go: "Now you can go to college!"
Slow down!
I think it's obvious high school is bustin' my ass.
You can't go to no college with no G.E.D.!
Only college you can go to with a G.E.D.
is community college.
You know why are they called community colleges?
Cause anybody in a community can go, "crackheads, prostitutes, drug dealers, come on in!"
Community college is like a disco with books.
"Here's ten dollars, let me get my learn on!"
So I was at community college, I'm in there...
"Let me take some shit I know."
So I took a Black history class.
I gotta know this, I'm black, right?
I get a B just for showing up, right?
Wrong! Failed. Ain't that some sad shit?
A black man failing black history...
that's sad....
'Cause, you know,
fat people don't fail cookin'!
"That's paprika!"
Failed Black history. Why?
'Cause I didn't know shit about Africa!
Cause you know, you go to white schools, you learn Europe up the ass.
Never learn shit about it...
I still don't know shit about Africa.
The only thing I know about Africa, it's far.
Africa is far, far away. Africa's like a 35-hour flight.
So you know that boat ride was real long!
The boat ride's so long there's still slaves on their way here!
I didn't know nothin' at school. All I knew was Martin Luther King.
That's all they'd teach you at school about black people:
Martin Luther King!
That was my answer to everything, "Martin Luther King!"
"What is the capital of Zaire?"
"Martin Luther King!"
"Can you tell us the name of the woman that would not
leave her seat on the bus?" "Ooh, that's hard..."
"Are you sure it was a woman?"
"Oh, I've got it! Martina Luther King!"
You know what's so sad, man? You know what's wild?
Martin Luther King stood for non-violence.
Now what's Martin Luther King? A street!
And I don't give a fuck where you live in America, if you on
Martin Luther King Boulevard, there's some violence going down!
It ain't the safest place to be.
You can't call nobody tellin' them you lost on MLK...
"I'm lost, I'm on Martin Luther King..."
"Run! Run! Run!"
"The media's there!"
Sad, sad, sad!
Now, a lotta women here tonight. That's good.
I like women. My mother is a woman, that helps.
You know a cool thing about women?
Women get to have platonic friends.
"He's my pal, he's my bud...
"He is my platonic friend, I love him like a brother!
"He's my bud, my platonic friend!"
Men don't have platonic friends, ok?
We just have women we haven't fucked yet!
"As soon as I'm figurin' this out, I'm in there!"
We've got some platonic friends, oh no, I got some but they all by accident!
Every platonic friend I've got is some woman I was trying to fuck...
...I made a wrong turn somewhere...
...and ended up in the Friend Zone!
"Oh, no, I am in the Friend Zone!"
Women keep platonic friends forever.
Why? 'cause you never know...
That's right, they get rid of girlfriends every 6 months!
"What happened to Pam?"
"She think she's cute."
But they keep the platonic friends forever. Why?
'Cause you never know...
"What happened to Carol?"
"I can't hang with her!"
But they keep them platonic friends forever, why?
'Cause you never know...
Do you know what a platonic friend is to a woman?
It's like a dick in a glass case.
"In case of emergency break open glass."
Fellas, if your woman's got platonic friends
that's who she'll be fuckin' when you mess up!
One of them guys you ain't even thinkin' about, boy. She'll be cryin' on his shoulder:
"I can't believe this happened, I'm so glad you're here..."
That's right! It's gonna happen to you!
You know the next man to fuck your woman.
You've met him, he's been in your house,
he's ate your food, he's drank your wine!
And he shall betray you!
Women got it good. One thing I learned about women:
Guys, never ask a woman how many men she's slept with!
'Cause you don't want to know.
Just be happy you're fuckin' her now.
Why you wanna know? You ain't discoverin' shit!
You ain't puttin' a flag nowhere.
Just be happy you're gettin' it now.
Why, why you wanna know? Why, why, why, why?
First of all, no matter what she say, it's too much for you.
No matter what she say. She can go: "Two."
And you're like: "Two?!"
"Two? Two?! No, no, no! Two? Two?!"
"I guess that's how you was raised..."
Women'll lie. Why you wanna make your woman...
'cause she's gonna lie.
Women will lie about how many guys she fucked in court! They don't care.
"Yeah, I swear"
"Whoo hoo..."
Yeah, if she says three, that's ten!
'Cause you've got to give every woman like a 7-dick curve.
That's more like 3 dicks to the 8th power!
And women, y'all think y'all slick, y'all ain't slick...
I know the game, I've watched it unfold.
If you ask a woman how many guys she fucked, she's not gonna tell you how many guys she fucked.
She'll tell you how many boyfriends she had.
'Cause women only count their boyfriends. That's right,
they don't count all those miscellaneous dicks they had.
That guy they met at the club...
The guy they fucked in the club that night,
or that time they fucked Bobby Brown!
Or the guy they fucked in Jamaica:
"That's another country, it don't count!"
"I thought we just talkin' about domestic dicks!"
Women got it good. Good, good, good, good, good.
I don't know. I feel sorry for women sexually sometimes.
'cause men, we only have one responsibility: knock it out, that's it.
Be good in bed - that's your only responsibility.
Women, you know, they can be good, but sometimes
they try not to be too good, know what I mean?
Sometimes women have to ration out the pussy, you know?
So they want a man to think he's got a good woman, but they don't want him to think he got a FREAK.
So they gotta ration out the pussy.
"Ok, I'm gonna fuck him now, but I won't suck his dick for two weeks."
"All right, I'm gonna suck his dick now, but I won't lick his balls till next month."
"All right, I'm gonna lick his balls now, but I won't lick his ass till next year!"
See, men, we gotta do all our tricks right away,
whatever we got, just give it..... whatever.
We can't hold nothin' back.
We don't know if there's gonna be a return engagement.
So we got to go for it.
I just don't know...
I'm just at another phase in my life, at another point in my life, you know.
It's time to settle down, time to settle down.
That's what time it is, time to settle down.
Women always ready to settle down.
Shit, a woman go on four good dates, she's like, "Why are we bullshittin'?"
"What are you waiting for?"
Men never ready to settle down.
Men don't settle down. We surrender!
"Alright, I'll marry ya..."
"Alright, damn! Ok. Just tell me the day before,
I'll be there, alright, damn."
No offense, but you gotta... every man gotta...
especially men, you gotta settle down.
Do you know why you gotta settle down eventually?
Because you don't wanna be the old guy in the club.
You know what I'm talkin' about. Any club you go into, there's always one old guy.
He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.
You do not want to be that brother. So you got to settle down.
So I get to a point in life where you've got to figure out what's important to you.
On the one hand you've got commitment. You and your woman together.
Living, sharing, loving, growing. It is the most beautiful thing in the world.
And you know that.
But before you can settle down, you've got to get over this other shit...
That's right, 'cause every man's got a choice to make.
Every single man in here, got a choice to make.
And you know what that choice is.
Commitment...
...Or new pussy!
That is the question!
Commitment... or new pussy!
You know, commitment may give you a headache every now and then...
...new pussy always clears your mind!
But you've got to think about life in the long term.
Now, people tell you life is short. No, it's not.
Life is long. Especially if you make the wrong decisions!
And in the long term...
...If I'm sick, is new pussy going to take care of me? No!
If I'm hungry, is new pussy going to feed me? New pussy can't cook!
If I've got a baby, is new pussy going to teach him how to read? New pussy is illiterate!
So I gotta come back to commitment.
And turn this old pussy into new pussy!
That's right, I've got to recycle the pussy!
I've got to recycle the pussy!
'Cause that's what a relationship is all about: recycling, keeping it new.
If it ain't new, it's through!
But fellas, if you decide to commit, you've got to commit.
You've got to commit.
Can't cheat. Wanna cheat? Can't cheat!
Dyin' to cheat? Can't cheat!
Ain't it, Can't wait to cheat? Can't cheat!
Shit, some guys got to go to rehab not to cheat!
It's hard not to cheat.
Women don't want to hear that shit, it's hard not to cheat!
Do you know why it's hard not to cheat?
'Cause women like men that are in relationship. Guys know what I'm talkin' about.
When you were single, nobody was thinkin' about your ugly ass.
But then your woman got a hold of you, she cut your hair, washed you down,
gave you a Life Saver, wiped out the crust out your eyes...
...Now everybody wanna fuck ya!
When you was single, nobody was calling your ass up!
Now your phone's ringing off the hook. Crazy, freaky sex calls, like:
"Hey, what you doin'? You know, me and my girlfriend are having a dick-suckin' contest"
"And we thought you'd be a good judge."
You never got that call when you were single.
Now you get it every Tuesday!
But you can't cheat! Can't cheat!
Know why? 'Cause you're gonna get caught!
You're gonna get caught... I don't care who you are,
you're 007 you gonna get caught!
You are gonna get caught.
And you don't wanna get caught.
--I'd rather get caught stealin' some shit from the government,
than to get caught cheatin' on a woman.
'Cause I got caught out there.
'Bout five years ago.
I remember like it was yesterday.
The woman found two condoms in my pocket...
...but it was a pack of three!
And all I could hear was: "Where's the other condom?"
"Where's the other condom? Where the fuck's the other condom? Where is the condom?"
Yo, women are just like the police.
They can have all the evidence in the world, but they want the confession!
"I know you did it, just admit it.
"I know you did it, just admit it.
"I know you did it, I got it on film!
"I know you did it, just admit it.
"I found a blonde hair. You was fuckin' a cracker-ass cracker, wasn't ya?
"I know you did it, just admit it.
"Can you be a man? Can you be a fuckin' man?
"And say that today I wasn't good?"
"Did she toss your salad?"
"I know you did, just admit it."
And if that don't work, the women get psychological on your ass...
...and try to trick you into confessin'.
Then they start going, "It'll be all right if you just say you did it."
"It'll be all right if you just say you did it."
"Honey, it'll be all right if you just say you did it."
And you hear that shit 900 times, you start losin' your mind.
You start thinkin', "I guess it'll be all right..."
"...if I just say I did it!"
"Honey, I did it, is it all right?"
"No, it ain't alright! I can't believe you did that!"
"But I thought you said you knew it."
"I didn't know till you told me!"
And time goes by... and she forgives you!
But she never forgets!
And you drivin' to grandma's house and say,
"Oh, babe, I'll make a right turn right here."
"Did you make a right with that bitch?"
"From now on, no matter where we go,
it's all left turns, you understand?"
And you know what the crazy shit is? You cheated on your woman.
She shouldn't trust you no more.
But she does. Eventually she does.
But you know what happens now? Now you don't trust her!
You cheated on her, and now you don't trust her.
What kinda ignorant shit is that?
You know what happened? You just fucked around your woman.
You know what happens when you fuck around your woman?
You done gave her a get-some-dick free card!
And you never know when she gonna cash it in!
You might get to the point, she found out you was cheatin', she wanna break up.
If she wanna break up, run!
You got off lucky!
But you ain't gonna get that lucky! No, no, no!
As soon as you get to the door, she like, "No, no!
"Let's work it out!"
You know what "work it out" means? Payback!
You know what the first part of payback is?
You ain't getting no pussy for a long time!
Boy, you ain't gonna get no pussy 'til the Bills win the Super Bowl!
And she gonna make sure you gettin' no new pussy either,
because she gettin' you a beeper, a cellular phone, a car phone,
put one of these on your ankle like a prisoner...
...and every time you leave the house you gotta check in:
"I'm outside. I'm on the court. I'm in the car. I'm on the road. I'm at the supermarket."
"I bought a pack of franks. I'm comin' home. I got some butter. I'm on my way. I ran a light. The cops are chasin' me.
"They chasin' me. They chasin' me. I ran out the car.
"They shot me in the leg. I'm hoppin'. I'm hoppin'. I'm almost home. I'm almost home. I'm in the driveway.
"I'm right next to ya. I love ya!"
Thanks! Thank you! Thank ya!