Christmas Balls (2024) Movie Script
1
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[THUDS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]
[MUSIC STOPS]
I beg your pardon.
-Pardon? For what?
-Pardon? For what?
It's an expression.
[GASPS]
[SIGHS]
I'm all ears.
-Go ahead.
-No.
You.
We never manage to do it.
Never all the way.
Not once in 34 years.
ANTONIN: That said...
we hadn't done it before.
Well, we had,
each on our own.
But never together.
ANTONIN: It starts off
well enough.
NATHALIE: It starts normally,
like with most people,
I imagine.
Even if we don't know
how others do it.
With us, it's conventional.
Yes, we've remained traditional.
Sometimes even a bit humdrum.
Really? You think so?
Yeah?
True. We do nothing
out of the ordinary.
My wife's a stickler
for schedules and protocol.
We always start at 7:00 p.m.
-You're exaggerating.
-We do.
-No.
-We do.
A late start gets her flustered.
NATHALIE:
What's peculiar, doctor, is...
the rest of the year is easy.
Easy-peasy.
Then again, the rest of the year
we don't do it.
True.
No, for us it's...
-solely on Christmas.
-solely on Christmas.
That?
That what?
That what?
-That it doesn't go well.
-That it doesn't go well.
[PAPER RUSTLING]
[WHISPERS] Don't scratch!
Or she gets scabs.
She has pre-Christmas psoriasis
that makes her life hell.
It's September.
Well, yes!
It's only a term away.
ANTONIN: My wife thinks...
Is convinced.
My wife is convinced
our family is cursed.
What makes you say that?
Disaster strikes every time,
and we never end Christmas Eve
all together.
Never.
Something always happens
before midnight.
Start with your parents.
No.
Start with your parents
or I will!
It goes way back.
Our first Christmas.
We were celebrating...
At my parents'. Actually, we...
Sorry.
We always celebrate there.
At my parents'.
Mine were to join us.
They were bringing the Yule log.
And...
[RATTLING]
[HAPPY MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]
Watch out!
[SCREAMS]
[CAR HONKING]
CHRISTMAS BALLS
ANTONIN: They died instantly.
Few used seatbelts back then.
But it was long ago.
It happens a lot, unfortunately.
He always says
it's coincidental.
We began to wonder
if there was a connection.
A connection?
Every year, before midnight,
something happens.
Did you hear
about the local family
who got food poisoning
Christmas Eve?
Not at all.
It was us.
Sandrine was pregnant,
so we doubly freaked out.
Sandrine's our eldest.
We have two girls and a boy.
NATHALIE: Just once,
just once I called on a caterer!
I'd broken both wrists
on my way to work.
You'd slipped on black ice.
Accidents happen.
Some coincidence!
Stay with us.
[AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING]
Breathe. Take a deep breath.
There.
[VOMITS]
It's revolting! I can't do this!
[LAUGHING]
[VOMITS]
Right this way, madam.
[GROANING]
Charlotte!
I'll be back, Papa.
I'm coming, Mom.
[GASPS]
We were taken
to the local hospital.
Sandrine's water broke
in the ambulance.
Luckily she was
in the right place.
We never learned
the source of poisoning.
Yes we did!
The doctors mentioned
the smoked salmon.
Maybe so, but why us every year?
And that's why Charlotte
didn't get sick.
She's our younger girl.
She's a vegetarian.
Vegan. A cut above.
Hardly a pain for the hostess!
[LAUGHS]
ANTONIN: She's very into
current issues:
No buying brand new gifts,
eating foie gras or meat.
The overconsumption killing
the planet makes her sick.
NATHALIE: True, her brother,
who's the opposite, loves
to tease her. He can't help it.
[CHUCKLES]
But still...
they're very close.
-STPHANE: I'm loving it.
-So am I.
-Very good.
-It's delicious.
Simone, the pt is scrumptious.
It's not pt, it's foie gras.
Charlotte, you're missing out.
-On cancer?
-Charlotte.
Don't start, please.
Just imagining these geese
getting that thing
stuffed down their gullet
-turns me on.
-[LAUGHING]
-It's called a crop.
-[SIMONE LAUGHING]
-I'm turned on!
-A crop.
Please don't start.
-It only lasts ten seconds.
-Stop it.
STPHANE: Yum, the crop.
Grosse crop. Gut! Gut!
-Is that a joke?
-[ANTONIN LAUGHING]
It's not funny.
[BOTH SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
-Leaving?
-[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
Just for a smoke.
[IN GERMAN ACCENT]
I'll hafe Charlotte's foie gras.
Ten seconds of animal torture!
-Charlotte!
-Murderer! I'll stuff your crop!
[CHARLOTTE SHOUTS]
Swallow!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
Stop it!
I finally pulled them apart.
But he had to leave.
A bottle of champagne in one go
filled him with gas.
-All bloated.
-[ANTONIN LAUGHING]
So bloated.
[CHUCKLES]
We're not boring you
with our stories?
Not at all.
NATHALIE: What else
shall we tell him?
ANTONIN: That time with
Jean-Paul and your mother...
Remember?
-[LAUGHING]
-I don't see what's so funny...
Jean-Paul's our son-in-law,
Sandrine's husband.
A nice guy.
Nice and patient.
The epitome of patience!
True, my mother had it in
for Jean-Paul.
Yet I'd told her that year,
"Lay off Jean-Paul. It's not
his fault Jrme's cross-eyed.
"It's mere coincidence."
Good evening!
[SIGHS] Still together?
Hard to believe.
Merry Christmas to you, too,
Simone.
No! I do four!
-Merry Christmas, Granny.
-No kisses!
I have terrible conjunctivitis.
It itches so bad.
I keep scratching.
Now we can.
How do you say tradition?
-Tradition.
-[TRANSLATOR APP IN CHINESE]
Oh, shucks.
[WOMAN SPEAKS IN CHINESE]
[STPHANE SPEAKS IN CHINESE]
-[STPHANE SPEAKS IN CHINESE]
-[LAUGHS]
I lost.
[TRANSLATOR APP IN CHINESE]
I could've sworn
I'd bought nine of them.
NATHALIE: Mother!
What? So I goofed.
SIMONE: I won! 15 euros!
[EXCLAIMS] Good going.
It'll cover the champagne.
First we open my gifts.
Now we can.
You'll see.
I spent a lot of money.
Mother!
STPHANE: Thanks, Granny.
[GASPS]
I remember now.
I left one at the butcher's.
-[BOX THUDS]
-Thanks, Granny.
Oh...
What is it?
A wine thermometer.
-Ah.
-Isn't that great? So useful!
-Very original.
-[NATHALIE LAUGHS]
You don't have one?
Nope. [CHUCKLES]
Thank you, Simone.
-Thanks, Mother.
-SIMONE: Isn't it pretty?
-Nathalie.
-[ICE CLINKING]
Ah.
Oop, oop, oops...
I'll get it, Nathalie.
You always do everything.
-Thanks, Jean-Paul.
-Thanks, Jean-Paul.
[JEAN-PAUL SINGING]
Father, it's a candle!
SIMONE: He's totally out of it.
So Granny's thirsty, is she?
[SIGHS]
We'll get you a drink.
SIMONE: That boy is so slow!
-JEAN-PAUL: In ya go.
-[URINE TRICKLING]
A little bit.
JEAN-PAUL: And for the lady.
Finally!
Here's to you, Simone.
-Here we go.
-Merry Christmas.
Santa and Santa
peed in Granny Simone's glass.
[CHARLOTTE AND JEAN-PAUL LAUGH]
JEAN-PAUL: Children are silly.
SANDRINE: You didn't!
JEAN-PAUL: What an imagination!
Jean-Paul, though I'm fond
of you, that's going too far.
-You didn't?
-JEAN-PAUL: Just a drop.
SIMONE: Well, Jean-Paul,
never got a beating
from an old lady?
You will tonight!
STPHANE: Granny, stop!
JEAN-PAUL:
She's out of her mind!
SIMONE: You
and your cross-eyed brat!
JEAN-PAUL:
Cantankerous old biddy!
It's not Santa!
It's Daddy and Daddy!
[WOMAN SPEAKING IN CHINESE]
His shlong only
in Granny's champagne.
[GRUNTING]
JEAN-PAUL: You never liked me!
It's alright.
Happy Easter!
Mother threw them out.
We couldn't calm her.
She went to bed.
And we all went home.
NATHALIE: By the way,
that was how Jrme
realized
Santa Claus didn't exist.
Mmm-hmm.
Do we have time left?
Yes.
NATHALIE: Let's tell the story
of Charlotte's gift.
Go for it!
So many to choose from.
I forget the year,
but we wanted
to surprise Charlotte.
ANTONIN: She's anti-gift.
-So you said.
-ANTONIN: Did I?
It was the year
Mother made up with Jean-Paul.
They'd had a second child.
A darling boy.
Just what Mother wanted.
She was gaga over him.
What nice eyes you have.
Like Jean-Paul's.
Not eating?
The custard has eggs.
It's not vegan.
Jrme, go play somewhere else.
Another tipple?
Without the pizzle.
ANTONIN: I'd sprained my neck
opening champagne.
The cork hit my nose.
The bottle'd slipped
on the sink.
Another coincidence.
ALL: Charlotte's gift!
Charlotte's gift!
I said I didn't want one.
-[ALL EXCLAIMING]
-Come on!
I hope the box is recycled.
-[ALL CHEERING]
-Come on, now!
[ALL GASP]
A cute little kitty!
Isn't he sweet?
SANDRINE: It'll get hair
all over.
We all pitched in.
Me the most.
Little bugger cost a fortune.
It was your sister's idea.
JEAN-PAUL: She wracked
her brains for so long.
-She cares.
-How irresponsible!
A dog, seriously?
How can I manage a dog's
emotions? I can't manage mine!
I live in 250 sq. ft.
Not in the 'burbs
in a big house with three kids!
I'm in for 15 years now!
You don't eat animals.
You love them so.
I love them free!
Not on a leash, as pets!
It'll keep you company.
You're so lonely.
You are such a bitch!
You hate it that I'm free,
without rug rats,
one of whom is cockeyed.
Don't say that!
Take it back!
-[CHARLOTTE SCREAMS]
-Sandrine! Stop it!
Let go of her.
[LAUGHS]
Let me go. I'll kill her.
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-[PUPPY BARKING]
[JRME CRYING]
Oh, shit!
[CRIES] Eat the damn dog!
It's not a dog, it's Jrme!
NATHALIE:
Smashing her son's jaw,
Sandrine was traumatized.
Luckily it was his baby teeth.
Poor kid, already cross-eyed.
NATHALIE:
I just thought of something.
Jrme,
he was born on Christmas Eve.
Yeah.
The year we got food poisoning.
Yes. And?
That!
Was that coincidence?
You're getting off track.
Stay focused.
We've tried tons of things.
Even taking the family
for a vacation in the sun.
Vitamin D, the sea air, you see?
To defy convention,
for a change of scenery.
Since it cost a pretty penny,
we decided that, for once,
we'd skip presents.
-What's she up to?
-[PA ANNOUNCEMENT ON SPEAKERS]
It's hopeless.
She makes a point of being late.
I'm so glad I'm your gal.
And I'm glad to be your guy.
Ms. Lambert is wanted
at the Sunset Air desk.
What is this, Charlotte?
We'll miss the plane!
You said you'd get a sitter!
A sitter on Christmas Eve?
I'm knocking my carbon footprint
sky high for you.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
He exceeds hand luggage weight.
Check him.
Put my son in the hold?
You nuts?
Come on, just check him.
Why not in the landing gear
like a migrant?
Blow it out of proportion!
You loonies, don't get
your knickers in a twist.
Lay off!
A few ounces is no biggy.
Pretty please.
Sorry, I can't.
Charlotte, it's just a dog.
Do you have a cage,
a real big one,
for my sister?
-Since she had kids,
-[SIMONE LAUGHS]
the excess weight is her ass!
Better to be envied than pitied,
you bag of bones!
You're single 'cause doing you
is like screwing a marrowbone.
What'd you say?
I said marrowbone.
Big fat marrowbone!
[SCREAMS]
-STPHANE: Holy cross!
-She said marrowbone.
"Marrowbone" was too much
for Charlotte.
Things got out of hand.
Stphane's girl at the time
took it badly and left.
What was that one's name?
-Cline.
-Cline.
He can't settle down.
They always lack something.
So we missed the plane.
Except Stphane.
-As selfish as he is...
-No, he's sharp.
That's why he's successful.
He slipped away and boarded.
He had a nice Christmas.
Nine free seats on the plane,
five rooms at the hotel club.
Two minutes left.
Huh?
I'll get to the point.
I'm almost there, actually.
Go ahead.
Last Christmas took the cake.
Yet it started so well.
Everything was perfect.
It even snowed.
[ANTONIN HUMMING JINGLE BELLS]
Christmas magic.
[ALL LAUGHING AND SHOUTING]
Not Santa Claus!
Come on, Sandrine!
-[SIMONE GROANS]
-NATHALIE: I know, your hip.
Where am I?
NATHALIE: At home, Mother.
'Morning.
NATHALIE:
Merry Christmas, Father.
-SIMONE: Cold!
-You're cold?
Let me cover you
with the blanket I got you.
-[SIMONE GROANING]
-[GRUNTS] There you go.
-Good morning.
-Yes, Papa.
ANTONIN: C'mon, honey!
Coming!
-I'll put another log on.
-[SIMONE GROANING]
-[NATHALIE GRUNTING]
-[CHILDREN SHOUTING]
It's all gone well.
Not a glitch.
You see?
First one who gets a hit, wins!
-Nearly midnight, no one's left.
-It's all in your head.
No such thing as a curse.
ANTONIN: Just missed!
[SIMONE SHOUTS]
Kids,
-it's almost midnight.
-[SIMONE SHOUTING]
Eleven...
Ten...
-[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
-Yes, Father and Mother, wait!
ALL: Eight...
Honestly, I sometimes wish
they'd gently slip away.
Better to go fast and not
put your kids through it.
ALL: Four...
Almost there.
-[SIMONE SHOUTING]
-They're such pains!
[CRYING] I wished it!
It's all my fault!
Remember. You said gently.
Gently, love.
Thank you. Here, honey.
Thanks.
There you go.
Excuse me...
What do you expect from me?
ANTONIN: We'd like your opinion,
your advice to...
Put an end to this curse!
I don't believe
in a Christmas curse.
You don't believe it?
It's your perception.
[NATHALIE GASPS]
It's not my perception,
they are facts!
It's reality! Concrete!
Anyway, I could see you
were elsewhere. We bored you.
I promise you, no.
-It's 70?
-Times two.
Your leg was twitching!
When I looked,
I saw you wake up.
You had a snooze!
Your perception again.
Why not just say I'm crazy!
Now, what
might be interesting...
is to not celebrate.
You'd be sure
nothing will happen.
-[DOOR OPENS]
-[AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING]
-Goodbye.
-Good luck.
Not celebrate?
140 euros for that?
See? It was pointless.
We set my parents on fire.
Why not try everything?
You don't call a shrink doctor.
Not celebrating depresses me.
Celebrating makes me anxious.
Convenient.
NATHALIE: I'm the only
lucid person in the family.
Sure.
You think I'm crazy, too!
I didn't say that.
Either we celebrate or we don't.
We have to decide.
Maybe the shrink's right
after all.
This wallpaper has to go.
Sleeping in my parents' room
is bad luck.
Just think, maybe
this year's Christmas,
it's our turn.
Stop it!
You'll freak me out.
And before new wallpaper,
we could move the urn. [GRUNTS]
-[BED CREAKS]
-[ANTONIN GRUNTS]
Good night, Mother.
Good night, Father.
You should quit that, too.
[CHOIR SINGING JINGLE BELLS]
Is this better? Or that?
Like that.
Not that, before.
This is blurry.
Before what? Before like that?
Or before like that?
I think it was clearer before,
when you said,
-"This better?"
-Before when?
Before like this?
Or before like that?
Is this clear or blurry?
It's blurry.
It's not clear.
What you're saying, I mean.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
WOMAN: Just before.
Will they be ready
for Christmas? Or before that?
This year I'm hosting.
Without my glasses, recipes...
-[LAUGHS]
-We'll do our best.
Have a good day.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[GASPS]
What a beaut!
-[NATHALIE INHALES]
-[TURKEY GOBBLING SOUND]
[OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
No, not her!
THRSE: Hi there!
Hello.
-Don't see much of you.
-I work long hours.
I so miss your parents.
I can't chat.
Andr especially. Charming man!
Your mother was a piece of work.
I'm allowed to say that, right?
But it must be tough,
moving into their house.
But it's a way
of being with them.
Exactly.
What a tragedy!
Luckily I was asleep
when it happened.
It rattled
the whole neighborhood.
I keep thinking about it.
Especially in this season.
I'm so excited,
because for the first time,
I'm hosting.
My daughter's coming from
Australia, with her in-laws.
I'll finally meet my grandson.
Wonderful.
It's high time! He's 18.
Australia is far away,
after all.
Well, thanks for everything.
So what are you doing?
Celebrating or not?
We have to do something.
Put up a fence.
Something to keep her away.
-Where are you?
-ANTONIN: Bedroom!
What're you doing?
You said...
Forget it. Look what I found.
[ANTONIN SIGHS]
[ANTONIN EXHALES]
Master Bangus?
"Great Seer and Healer.
"Solves even the worst problems:
"marital strife, lovers'
reunion, obesity, gambling."
Pretty eclectic.
Read the last sentence.
"Protection against curses."
"Exorcism."
100% guaranteed.
House calls possible.
Even Sundays.
He's not coming
to buy the house.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Master Bangus.
Hello, Master.
Hi.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
I cleaned the house
thoroughly this morning.
[SHUSHES]
I need to hear
the vibes of the house.
[SOFTLY] Ah...
We had it installed for
my parents towards the end...
Gotta take it down.
[SHUSHES]
Mega hassle to dismantle.
Not the original mattress.
-We got a new one for my back.
-[SHUSHES]
[ANTONIN WHISPERS]
And the last one.
We almost never come in.
We use it for storage.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
[MUMBLING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC FADES]
Who's this?
The little one is me.
-Next to me is...
-ANTONIN: It's Nicole.
He asked me.
My sister.
I haven't seen her in decades.
-Thirty-four years.
-Let me talk.
You're being a pain.
She up and left one day.
She needed space.
She always liked to travel.
So I don't know
where she is now.
[ANTONIN SCATTING]
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Brazil. Her old wanderlust.
You know how it is. First you
stay in touch, then you don't.
She's never been
family-oriented.
Really?
I know her better.
Family together,
Christmas better.
She didn't even come
to our parents' funeral.
Imagine her doing
Christmas with us?
[SIGHS] Who knows?
[REPORTER ON TV] Streets filled
with people carrying parcels...
NATHALIE: Shut that off, please.
[TV STOPS PLAYING]
-I think they'd be pleased.
-What?
For the kids to meet their aunt.
After all this time.
Stop it! We've lost touch.
I wouldn't even recognize her.
Nathalie.
What?
FYI, Christmas is ten days away.
As if I didn't know.
We can't tell them
at the last minute.
Who?
Sandrine, Charlotte, Stphane.
Our kids.
And our grandchildren, too.
I still haven't decided, ok?
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
You made the right decision.
I'm proud of you.
ALL: We all are, Mom.
Yes, Nathalie,
we're proud of you.
[INDIRA SINGS IN OTHER LANGUAGE]
Indira is honored to be here.
You all understand there's
no fire in the hearth this year.
ALL: Of course, Mom.
To the first Christmas
without Grandpa and Grandma.
Wait a second.
[MAGICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[PUPPY BARKING]
It's flying low.
What're you talking about?
It's flying very low.
Get down!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Get down!
[SCREAMING]
[SHOUTING] What?
What's the matter?
It's horrible!
-What's the matter?
-We did Christmas!
We're all dead. We're dead!
[CONTINUES SCREAMING]
[PANTING] Where you going?
The couch.
No Christmas.
I'll tell the kids.
[SAD MUSIC PLAYING]
-What're you doing?
-[SCREAMS]
Think I don't know you? Open it.
Nathalie, open it.
[TURKEY GOBBLING SOUND]
You wear me out.
A lot.
A whole lot!
I won't roast it.
A whole lot!
I was just looking at it!
December 24
[MOBILE ALARMING]
[AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING]
You're up early.
Yeah.
Who is it?
Sandrine.
Is she upset?
You know how she is.
They're all eating out,
except Charlotte.
She's thrilled
to get out of it for once.
[GASPS]
[AMUSING MUSIC CONTINUES]
I'm off.
At this hour,
you can call it a day.
-Merry Christmas, Mrs. Lambert.
-You too.
Your house looks gloomy
with no decorations!
Not celebrating, are you?
There's no fooling you.
That said, I understand.
I have to push it
out of my mind.
[HORN BLARING]
Here they are!
I'm so very happy!
If you get bored,
come over for some champagne.
Or for the Yule log.
Don't worry,
we don't have a fireplace.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
What're you doing?
We'll go to that
Thai place you like.
No.
-Yes.
-No.
Yes!
[GUITAR PLAYING]
[NATHALIE SHOUTING]
[FAMILY SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROL]
No. I said no!
I don't want this!
Come on, honey.
I don't want this!
I can't hear you!
I can't hear you!
I can't hear you!
Honey, get a hold of yourself.
Simmer down.
We learned it in German
to make it easy on you.
I wanted a quiet evening!
I told you. Again and again!
Drop this nonsense
about a curse!
Down with commercial holidays!
We thought you'd be happy.
This is crazy.
Don't take it so badly.
Have a seat, calmly.
Breathe through your diaphragm.
It's just a little outburst.
-[CHILDREN SHOUTING]
-[NATHALIE SCREAMS]
What is it?
-The children.
-[ALL LAUGHING]
They wanted to surprise you.
Is that for me?
Isn't that pretty!
SANDRINE:
They did them this morning.
JEAN-PAUL:
Lots of pretty colors.
NATHALIE: What is it?
Grandma and Grandpa
burnt under the tree.
-You didn't check?
-There's no likeness.
Thank you, sweetie.
Mom, let me introduce Monica.
[MONICA SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
An Italian. This is a first.
We met about a week ago.
-Una piccola week.
-[MONICA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
A week is a lifetime!
You met her online.
STPHANE: Yes, lay off.
She doesn't understand French,
but does get the drift.
[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
[LAUGHS]
Speaking of emozione.
-Get ready!
-What is it?
One, two, three.
ALL: Ta-da!
-Aw! My turkey!
-ANTONIN: And thawed.
Your mother's
the queen of turkeys.
Why don't you go get dolled up?
Yes, alright...
I was going that way.
All that emozione!
[LAUGHING]
-I love you.
-[NATHALIE SHOUTS]
I'm warning you,
if anybody dies tonight,
it won't be my fault, okay?
You'll scare the children.
Isn't someone already dead?
ANTONIN: Charlotte!
Don't start.
Take it easy.
Daddy, who's dying tonight?
Nobody's dying.
Hand me those.
[AUGUSTE WHINING]
Dear Nathalie,
once more
we unite for Christmas.
Wait, it flips me out.
Can you use another word?
Mom!
What a hardhead!
Christmas is Christmas.
Once more we unite for...
Tooftoof.
-Is that okay?
-Perfect.
Tooftoof?
[LAUGHS]
Not celebrating Tooftoof...
would have been
admitting defeat.
For the children.
So all together we took on
the huge responsibility
-of making this Christmas...
-[NATHALIE CLEARS THROAT]
Sorry.
Of making this Tooftoof
a...
Perfect Tooftoof!
[MONICA SHOUTS]
That's it.
[BOTH LAUGH AWKWARDLY]
She gonna screech all night?
[MONICA CONTINUES LAUGHING]
[MONICA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
What's she saying?
Contenta.
She's happy to meet you.
Thank you, but my name's
not "Sardine". It's Sandrine!
She's Italian, not deaf.
She's so loud
it makes me wonder.
Show some female solidarity.
You're jealous of her bod'.
Lay off my weight.
Stop it, girls!
Sorry.
For this occasion,
we've devised
a conflict-avoidance strategy.
[OBJECTS CLATTERING]
-Monica.
-[THANKS IN ITALIAN]
Go on. Take one.
Sandrine.
Boys. Jean-Paul!
JEAN-PAUL: I want a big one.
[BELLS RINGING]
This way everyone
can feel like a cow.
Oh, cut it out.
So!
If at any time
we feel the slightest edge
of tension, what do we do?
We ring our bell!
Which will mean
stop!
No hardball!
-Promise?
-Promise!
[MONICA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN,
LAUGHS]
For tonight, Nathalie,
no one, and I mean no one,
will leave this house before
the last stroke of midnight,
no matter...
What it takes!
She understands everything.
It's 8:00 p.m.
Midnight.
We have to last four hours.
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
NATHALIE: What is it?
Stop it!
You're stressing Auguste out.
It's alright.
-The fuses tripped, honey.
-[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
-[SCREAMS]
-[GASPS]
The doorbell wasn't working.
Since the door was unlocked.
STPHANE: It's a surprise
for la mamma.
The auntie, sistera de mamma.
Nicole?
Have I changed that much?
What brings you here?
ALL: Merry Christmas!
No!
Yes!
My Nini.
My Nana.
My Nana!
Honey!
-Give me your hand.
-[NATHALIE GRUNTS]
Falling into each other's arms.
I'm fine.
Just a bruise. I'm fine.
It's nothing. A silly fall!
My Nana.
My Nini.
[TOUCHING MUSIC PLAYING]
We're very family.
Let's not cry, now.
Not at our age.
-When'd you land?
-This morning. Paris.
Baggage delivery took forever.
Taxi to the train station.
Two-hour train ride
to Angoulme.
Taxi again to get to Jarnac.
I'm pooped!
Totally jet-lagged.
You plotted this behind my back.
-Yup!
-[ANTONIN LAUGHS]
And you all
played me for a fool.
The weather's lousy here!
It's not Rio.
And Antonin...
The lightning trick.
That was such
a thundering entrance.
Plane, train and taxis were me.
Not the thunder and lightning.
-Mere coincidence.
-No such thing.
[NATHALIE LAUGHS]
Okay, let me
introduce my children.
No, wait!
Antonin explained. Let me guess.
-You.
-Yes, me.
You are...
Sandrine.
[LAUGHS]
The eldest.
That's it. You're good!
And you are...
[WHISPERING] Charlotte.
Charlotte, that's it!
Vegan, second child.
That's it.
-This is my dog, Auguste.
-Hi, puppy.
And you...
Your name is Stphane.
The youngest, the Don Juan.
Known as horn-dog.
And I'm Jean-Paul.
Sandrine's husband.
And incidentally,
resident Santa.
Not incidentally, primarily!
ANTONIN: And this is
Jol and Jrme,
our two little
walking skeletons.
Hello.
-Who are you?
-Me?
Your granny's older sister.
I look so young you can't tell.
Who's the other lady?
There isn't another lady.
Only one.
He has a slight...
His second operation
is planned after vacation.
Sandrine and I didn't want...
We'll spare you
four-eyes' history.
Monica, my girlfriend.
I mean, a friend.
For this year.
[MONICA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
[NICOLE SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[MONICA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
Glad you speak Italian.
I've been struggling un poquito.
He loves all things exotic,
but he's lousy at languages.
I traveled around Italy.
I get by.
-You don't say?
-[ALL EXCLAIM]
Well, I am Antonin
from Angoulmo.
KIDS: What's your name?
Her name's Nicole.
No,
Nicole is a thing of the past.
It's behind me.
Over and done with!
In Rio,
I'm known as Miss Glitter.
You can call me Auntie Glitter.
-Come get comfortable.
-I'd love a shower.
-Could someone carry my bag?
-At your service.
For you.
-Lovely. You shouldn't have.
-They're not from Rio.
A guy was selling them
near the taxis.
Felt sorry for him.
It's Christmas, after all.
That's kind.
Put them in water.
Right now even.
Okay! Here's the suitcase.
[GRUNTS]
It weighs a ton!
-It's my lingerie.
-Silly.
Wait for me!
Charlotte, catch.
-You happy, Mom?
-She's so cool!
Shall I pop the bubbly?
Pop what you like.
[NATHALIE PANTING]
Gotta warn you,
it's a holy mess.
You might be a bit...
I guess not.
It's been... You completely...
I was totally in the dark.
That's the point of a surprise.
It's weird being back.
They refused to change the room.
It was their way
of remembering you.
I know.
-We called each other sometimes.
-Of course.
So you decided to move in, then?
We hesitated.
It was hard to consider selling.
The kids
are very attached to it.
We have so many memories.
So many.
And it's roomier
than our place in Angoulme.
We'll have to renovate
gradually. The place is so big.
The bathroom's
still in the same spot.
See?
So you're a math teacher?
That's right.
Your thing since high school.
And you?
I hear you sell glasses.
Yes, I'm an optician.
-Certified!
-[ANTONIN CHUCKLES]
Hug?
-Huh?
-Huh?
Three-way hug?
-Yeah!
-Let's.
[AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING]
[NATHALIE CHUCKLES]
It feels so good to reunite,
be able to touch you,
see you in the flesh.
Frankly, it was hard being
so far away all these years.
It's not like
we never invited you...
at first.
You still wear the same perfume.
Yes, I haven't changed.
Tell me.
Was she easy to convince?
She answered my message
immediately.
Lucky you. What did you say?
That you weren't well and...
Why'd you say that? I'm fine.
-Not a word about the marabout?
-No, 'course not.
-Relax.
-[CLEARS THROAT]
Yeah.
I wouldn't want the kids
to think I'd go that far.
Darling, only you believe
that foolishness.
It seemed important that you
reconnect and the kids meet her.
Yes.
And you know,
Auntie Glitter could be called
Auntie Business Class.
For an 11-hour flight,
I spared her economy.
Wow! That must've
cost you a bundle.
How does she know
you became a math teacher?
We chatted
while getting organized.
[ANTONIN AND MONICA VOCALIZING]
SANDRINE: Sit down, Jol.
What's she up to?
Relax, Mom.
My turkey won't wait.
CHARLOTTE: Cut it out!
There she is!
-[PIANO PLAYING]
-ANTONIN: Wow!
[ALL CHUCKLING]
JEAN-PAUL: Auntie Glitter!
You are dazzling!
[MONICA SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[NICOLE SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Italians have
an innate sense of chic.
Don't you like my dress?
What's the look?
No, I think it's great.
Just a bit...
Short?
That's the word.
And a bit flashy, too.
[CHUCKLES]
Imagine that, my little sister's
telling me how to dress.
It's not really suited to
a woman your age, or Christmas.
Let's not dwell on her dress.
Age has nothing to do with it.
It's all about personality.
Sure, it's a bit short.
But who cares?
I love it!
Mommy, why are the two ladies
dressed the same?
Cut it out.
You're cross-eyed. Understand?
You see double.
Simple as that!
Don't snap at him.
He's annoying me on purpose.
JEAN-PAUL: Okay, kids,
go get your toys.
Where do I put my gifts?
Under the tree.
There are nametags now.
Last year I got Legos.
Wasn't for me.
[ANTONIN CLEARS THROAT]
What?
Nothing.
Is that them?
[SAD MUSIC PLAYING]
Are Mom and Dad inside?
NATHALIE: Yes.
-Did it happen here?
-Yes.
[STPHANE WHISPERING IN ITALIAN]
How is it possible?
Maybe if I'd been here...
I'm so sorry
I wasn't here
for your last goodbye.
I understand.
You have no reason to feel bad.
You told me at the last minute.
Not at all.
I told you as soon as I could.
They're not easy calls to make.
I couldn't reach you,
so I texted you.
It said, "Answer me. Urgent."
That's when you called me back.
-Really?
-Really.
That's exactly how it happened.
If you say so,
you must be right.
Alright!
Change the subject?
-I didn't come to be a downer.
-ANTONIN: Exactly!
Tonight, we party.
Let's sit down to dinner.
Aren't we doing gifts?
No, we do gifts with the log.
As kids, it was pre-dinner.
But we do it with the log.
It's our tradition.
-[BOTH CHUCKLING]
-NICOLE: Too bad.
We could make an exception.
Let's go. It'll get cold.
Take your glasses.
Yes, Mom!
Coming?
"Let's go. It'll get cold.
"Take your glasses. Come on."
That's so her!
[AUGUSTE BARKS]
Grandpa Andr and Granny Simone
are no longer with us.
But we maintain traditions!
Father and Mother always did it.
ANTONIN: Under your napkins.
Here goes.
Everyone has theirs?
Wait.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
We're rich!
Me too. I won, too!
[MONICA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
[LAUGHING] How about you, honey?
I'm still scratching.
Oh, I get it.
Sorry. It was Nicole's idea.
What kids!
Told you it'd be hilarious.
Convincing.
Not very nice, but convincing.
Alright...
Now that we've had a laugh,
can I have your plates?
A nice big piece.
That's fine, thanks.
Nicole.
No, thanks. I don't eat corpses.
-You're a vegetarian?
-I became one.
Adopt me, Auntie!
Help yourselves.
Who wants foie gras?
Your plate.
NICOLE: Tell me, sweetie,
do you have someone?
No, I like being single.
No one nagging
or bossing me around.
Singlehood
is the key to independence.
Are you with someone?
NICOLE: I've had
a few casual relationships,
but nothing serious.
I've lived it up, though.
Didn't you want kids?
These questions are so nosy.
I don't mind. They just
want to get to know me.
NICOLE: Kids?
I'd have loved some.
But fate had other plans.
I was wondering though, Nicole.
I mean, Auntie Glitter.
Even if my brother and sister
and I argue a lot,
I can't imagine
not seeing them for years.
Is that true?
Yes, it's true.
Of course it is. We're
brother and sister for life.
You don't have to see each other
to love one another.
If she says so,
she must be right.
-[AUGUSTE BARKS]
-[NATHALIE SHOUTS]
No dogs on the table!
Mom, he's my son.
For Christ's sake!
Eat your kibble in the kitchen!
I was wondering. Is there
a nice hotel around here?
Why a hotel?
You're staying here.
Tonight, tomorrow,
after tomorrow.
Maybe a few more days. But
seeing you all, I was thinking
that it might be nice to...
find an apartment.
An apartment?
Seeing you here,
together as a family.
I didn't build
a life for myself.
I'm sorry.
We're here now.
We're your family.
Now, now...
JEAN-PAUL: Auntie Glitter...
If there's a new member
in the family,
that makes us very happy.
Group hug!
And with my job,
I can work from anywhere.
-What do you do?
-I'm an FBS influencer.
FB what?
Fashion Beauty Sexuality,
staying desirable at all ages.
Ambitious.
-You on Instagram?
-Sure am! Whaddya think?
Just because I'm 50...
Fifty-seven.
STPHANE:
What's your page called?
It's missglitter.
Shall I show you?
We'll follow you!
Pompoms on the nipples and
the chandelier stands by itself.
The chandelier's an illusion.
JEAN-PAUL:
Auntie Glitter's ballsy!
SANDRINE: Afraid of nothing.
I'll go get the turkey.
STPHANE: Princess Leia's
golden bikini.
I'm here.
-Very sexy.
-It's gorgeous.
-[NATHALIE GRUNTS]
-[AUGUSTE BARKS, GROWLS]
[GRUNTS] Outta the way!
"I didn't build
a life for myself."
Can I see the one
with the chandelier?
Oh, Dad.
-[FAMILY EXCLAIMING]
-[NICOLE GIGGLES]
[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]
Let's do the gifts now, please.
-Let's.
-Yeah?
We'll vote.
The yays and the nays.
Yay!
Gifts it is.
How do you say
"gifts" in Italian?
-[MONICA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
-I adoro regali time.
Jean-Paul, go change.
-Not this year.
-Yes. I'm fetching the boys.
San-San...
SANDRINE: Go!
The turkey.
ANTONIN:
We'll eat later, honey! Come on.
[NATHALIE GRUNTS]
"We'll eat later,
"honey!"
JEAN-PAUL: Ho ho ho!
I parked my sleigh
by your lovely garden.
This is ridiculous.
You still do Santa?
Sandrine insisted.
Not even Jol believes in Santa.
I know, but Sandrine, like
all the women in your family,
has a strong personality.
When she wants something,
you can't say no.
Ho ho ho!
Santa has champagne!
-[BELL RINGING]
-[ALL CHEERING]
Can we open our gifts, General?
Sure. Now we can.
It makes her happy.
-No crappy gifts?
-No, I'm spoiling you.
Can we start?
Yes, sorry! Of course.
Careful. On your mark,
get set...
Open!
NICOLE: The envelopes are
from me.
Since I didn't know you
or your traditions,
and...
I figured it was always welcome.
SANDRINE: For sure.
JEAN-PAUL: I'd never seen
the yellow ones.
I wish you had.
Auntie, this is huge.
You didn't have to.
I know.
I think it's cool.
-SANDRINE: You like gifts now?
-What if I donate?
-Yeah, right.
-CHARLOTTE: I mean it.
Don't touch that money.
Mom, what's with you?
It isn't done.
Come on, where's the harm?
NICOLE: Don't take it that way.
There's worse
than getting money.
It's indecent.
Can I say that?
I make a good living
and, most of all, I'm alone.
I have no one to spoil.
Since when is money indecent?
Thank you, Auntie.
Sorry,
I don't have a gift for you.
Had I known,
I'd have gotten you...
A new laugh?
-Give it a rest.
-Lighten up, it's not mean.
[NICOLE SPEAKING ITALIAN]
No problem.
In fact, I speak perfect French.
I understand it perfectly.
I'm a French teacher.
Got you there!
You like a good laugh too,
Sardine. I noticed.
Stphane raves about you.
Sandrine this. Sandrine that.
-Really?
-No.
You've been playing me
from day one?
Your profile
emphasized it so much.
"I can use my mother tongue,
when you want me to."
We don't wanna know.
The no-name bag
is yours, Monica.
Stphane has a new girl
every year.
She takes everything well.
Amazing.
ANTONIN: Okay, here I go.
It's my turn.
Yes, very nice.
I love it.
Beautiful scarf. I'm very happy.
Nice, eh?
-Superb.
-NICOLE: Not like that.
Your father never knew
how to dress.
ANTONIN: There's a way
to knot a scarf, now?
So how... I see.
That's better.
I look like the captain
of a yacht, don't I?
[IMITATES YACHT HORN SOUND]
My Nana, not opening yours?
In the bag.
Ah...
[HUMS] Oh.
Thank you,
but I already have a phone.
-[ALL LAUGHING]
-Mom!
You can be such a dumbbell.
It's a sex toy.
Oh.
MONICA: "Vibratore!"
-The latest design.
-Okay, I see.
MONICA: "Vibratore" in Italian.
I have a whole collection.
I'm not surprised.
JEAN-PAUL: Come now, Nathalie,
it's a dildo.
STPHANE:
"With eight levels of intensity,
"the Salsa X promises deep
and intense vibrations,
"out-of-this-world-orgasms.
"A notable plus,
the silence of the motor."
Hence, you can use it anywhere,
at the office,
in the metro,
in line at the butcher's,
at Optical Specs,
your favorite optician's.
-"Nathalie at your service!"
-That's true.
That's funny?
Relax, honey. It's fine.
Where's your sense of humor?
Get off my case!
And stop calling me Nana.
You know I always hated it.
You do it to piss me off!
Lighten up, I'll get another.
Now wait, honey.
Did I do something wrong?
[AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHISPERING]
And the broken glass?
There. In the trash.
Everyone gets angry.
It's no big deal.
You okay?
-Jean-Paul...
-Yes.
Do me a favor?
Whatever you need.
[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]
No, that's awkward.
You are my son-in-law,
do as I say!
[WHISPERING] Come on, hurry up.
I'm not looking.
-Come on!
-I have to get it out first.
Complicated.
I can't will it.
[URINE TRICKLING]
Don't overfill it.
My apologies, I lost my temper.
But that's behind us now.
Here.
-Did I stain you?
-My stocking.
The perks of a minidress.
To a Merry Christmas!
[ALL CHEERING]
I prefer seeing you like this.
Thank you for the gift.
Mmm.
What could this be?
Mmm.
-This for me?
-STPHANE: No, for Jean-Paul.
[IMITATES DOG PANTING]
[MONICA AND STPHANE LAUGH]
Not very kind.
What's this?
That's from a specialty shop,
a belt hanger.
You put it in your closet
to hang all your belts.
-No better ideas?
-CHARLOTTE: She has no waist.
I thought...
That's from me.
I told you, no gifts.
No wrapping. It's eco-friendly.
-A fancy brand.
-I see that. Love it. Thanks.
[SNIFFS]
It smells of pee.
I found it in the metro.
I didn't wash it,
so it's really eco-friendly.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Asshole! That's gross!
And for la piu bella!
Stphane, we said 30 euros max
per gift.
STPHANE: For the family.
Monica isn't a part
of the family. Not yet.
It's charming.
And it must be practical,
as well. [LAUGHS]
Let's eat
before the turkey's cold.
I'm not very hungry.
Relax with your turkey, will ya?
Don't be such a tight-ass.
Typical.
She can't help but be vulgar.
"Don't be such a tight-ass."
She was like this as a teen.
Her boobs hanging out.
Mother Nature
was generous with me.
ANTONIN: Stop it, honey.
Nicole, stop!
He's right, Mom. You're a pain.
Look who's talking!
With your kids and husband
on a leash!
Enough!
Yeah, you emasculate me!
Know how hot it is in here?
I'm sick of this moronic
Santa costume
with Granny's stinky cushions!
And this wig that gives me
a headache like you do!
[AUGUSTE BARKS]
[JEAN-PAUL SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
Sorry, I lost my cool.
How about some music?
NICOLE: Excellent idea.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL CHEERING]
Live it up.
[ANTONIN CHEERING]
What're you doing?
Get outta there.
-Jol, gimme the gun.
-[VIBRATOR BUZZING]
Go play with Santa's toys.
What time is it?
11:00 p.m.
Christmas feels right this year.
I love her!
She's so free and offbeat.
I'm starting to like Christmas.
Since you love Christmas now,
go get the log cake.
I'm starving.
SANDRINE: I made it!
It's vegan! No eggs.
Especially for you, my Cha-Cha!
[KID SCREAMS]
Missile!
[CHILDREN GIGGLING]
-[NATHALIE SHOUTS]
-[CHILDREN SCREAM]
What're you doing up here?
Get out of that room!
Come here, you!
Give me those panties.
Get a load of this log!
Auguste, no! What'd you do?
-What is that?
-[CHILDREN GIGGLING]
[CHARLOTTE RETCHING]
[SIGHS]
[DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES]
Look at Dad.
I've never seen him like this.
Here comes the loggy!
I had a piece.
Taste. It's a delight.
[ANTONIN CHEERING]
Well,
don't take it badly.
No matter what you say,
vegan tastes like shit.
Thanks a lot.
I worked hard on it.
Can I taste?
Wait, I'll cut you a piece.
So? What am I thinking?
Where's the john?
Not what I had in mind, but...
before the dining room
on the right.
What's wrong?
I musta said something stupid.
Can you put this on, please?
Of course.
DJ Stfano!
[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Forget them all,
all the obstacles
That somehow get in our way
Something has brought us
a brand new day...
You happy to see me?
Sure. I'm glad.
I'm especially happy.
-Really?
-Yes.
They're pretty cozy.
Ever think our lives
could've been different?
Cut it out.
Different? No.
You vanished into thin air.
Never got in touch.
Should I have?
You regret it?
You better?
When I heard your voice
on the phone, it all came back.
Immediately.
So you and I
Will turn the page...
Stop it.
You're a bit unnerving.
-Kiss me.
-No.
Stop it.
Come on!
No.
Stop it.
[MUSIC TEMPO SPEEDS UP]
NATHALIE: A three-way dance?
-NICOLE: Well, sure.
-So that's why you came!
That's why you came!
Thanks. I was thirsty.
Pretending to stay calm
to piss me off?
You don't need that.
You've been tense
since the evening started.
-Have I?
-Yeah.
-Turn off the music!
-[MUSIC STOPS]
Don't start.
A flute in the face
isn't worth an argument.
Honey...
You, shut up!
What's worth an argument to you?
Go ahead.
Give me a topic.
-You wanna go there?
-Go on.
That's what you came for!
If we can't be frank,
why get together?
Shut up!
So,
what is Nini dying to tell us?
Well, children, you should know
that as a youth,
I made the serious mistake
of trusting
my dear little sister.
I should say,
the one who became your mother.
The slut.
The big slut.
The great big slut!
Slut! Slut!
I'm not sure I can say,
honestly,
that I ever forgave her.
No.
She told me in the car.
Remember? I was driving.
"By the way, Nicole,
"I gotta tell you something,
[CHUCKLES] "Me and Antonin
are kinda together."
So, as he was my fianc...
We weren't engaged.
You, be quiet!
As he was my fianc,
we had a little spat,
and it got heated.
So I slammed on the brakes.
As I had a knife,
I stabbed her in the carotid.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Then I went to get the jack
that was in my trunk
and cracked her skull.
And as I also had
a chainsaw in my trunk,
I cut her to pieces,
threw the body parts on the road
and ran over them several times,
until only a big puddle
was left.
I poured gasoline on it,
set it on fire,
and then woke up.
I had that dream for years.
Jeez, I believed it.
I was scared.
You mad woman!
-Darling!
-[ANTONIN GROANS]
[AUGUSTE BARKS]
I told you! I told you!
Call a doctor!
A pillow for his head.
Wait! Let me. I'm certified!
[PANTING]
[SINGS STAYIN' ALIVE
IN CPR BEAT]
[ALL SINGING STAYIN' ALIVE]
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[BOTH EXHALE]
[ROMANTIC VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]
-[ANTONIN GROANING]
-[NICOLE MOANING]
[NICOLE PANTING]
[CHILDREN GIGGLING]
-[ANTONIN MUMBLING]
-[NATHALIE WHISPERING]
I think he's alive.
ALL: He's very alive!
[NATHALIE SCREAMS]
What happened?
My love, I was so scared.
No, I was scared!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Stop this!
SANDRINE:
Jean-Paul, do something!
Stop it!
JEAN-PAUL: You're sisters!
Let's lighten up!
No biting!
Mom, stop! Auguste pooped on it!
Eat it!
He did what?
AUGUSTE: I didn't do nothin'!
NATHALIE: Eat it!
You'll kill her.
Honey, stop this right now.
Let go of me!
ANTONIN: That's enough! Stop it!
She's smeared in it.
-[RETCHES]
-STPHANE: It's so gross.
You okay?
You mad woman!
That's your mother.
Never seen her like that?
I'm outta here!
That's too easy.
I won't let you get away!
That's a very bad idea.
-Stay put.
-Shut up!
ANTONIN: Put the knife down.
-Put that down!
-Back off, fatso!
Mom, calm down.
It's my Christmas.
It's my Christmas. It's mine.
My Christmas.
I'll handle this.
Mom, be reasonable.
Give me the knife.
Back off!
Or I stab you!
And then I'll stab her.
-Ok.
-Back off.
Honey, nothing rash!
Sit down, all of you.
Sit down. Go sit, all of you.
Don't move.
Go sit down!
I'm sitting. Look.
[NATHALIE PANTING]
The garland!
What for?
Take down the garland
and tie her up.
-I need my glasses.
-Fuck.
-I'm ready.
-Let's go.
This one?
Gimme a hand, kids!
Take an end.
Hurry up.
Tie her hands together.
I got the end.
Hurry up. Move it! Get going!
-Tighten it!
-Turn her around.
Tighter!
No, the other way.
Good and tight.
-Which way?
-Like that. Careful.
Don't let her go!
Turn, Nicole. Keep turning.
-Her legs.
-Tighter!
-Around the legs.
-NATHALIE: No funny stuff.
Hurry.
There.
Sit the fuck down!
[NATHALIE PANTING]
[NATHALIE EXHALES]
It's not "O Christmas Tree."
It's "O Christmas Roast."
So,
I stole your fianc?
Didn't you tell me
you wanted to take a break
from the relationship?
-Think things over?
-Yes.
Think it over.
Two days later,
you stole my guy.
NATHALIE: You told me
you were into
Jean-Nol Triboulet.
Jean-Nol Triboulet,
the monitor?
Maybe I said
he was cute, but... [SHOUTS]
Don't!
It was because
he got me out of detention hall.
Yes you did!
One day you said,
"Jean-Nol Triboulet is cute.
"He's so sexy
"with his open shirts
and handsome forearms.
"I don't know
about Antonin anymore."
Anyhow,
Antonin made the first move.
Yes you did!
You came on to me.
You came over,
knowing Nicole was out.
You said you liked me.
That you always had.
Then you kissed me.
Yes you did!
You kissed me. Right there.
Right over there.
I was watching TV,
minding my own business.
You came and sat next to me,
very close.
You put your hand on my cheek
and you said,
"Nathalie,
I'm dying to kiss you."
Yes, and you answered,
"That's ok, go ahead."
Yes.
-I was 19.
-NATHALIE: Tell her!
Tell her!
Nicole,
you were...
What can I say?
A passing fancy.
A passing fancy?
Isn't that what you call it?
Shit, help me out, kids!
You liked Nicole,
but you had a crush on Mom?
That's right.
There you go, Nicole.
I had a crush on your sister.
No reason to spit.
He fell in love with me.
And me with him.
Is that our fault?
When I told you in the car,
nave as I was,
you didn't say anything.
As if you didn't care.
And you left two days later.
Should I have
smashed your face in?
Yes.
We might have avoided this.
[WHIMPERS]
You left me.
You abandoned me.
You left without a word.
Never asked for news
about my first degree,
my first job,
my first apartment.
My first baby.
No sister to offer support,
to console me, share my joys
and sorrows.
I had to figure it all out
on my own.
Father, Mother,
their sorrow when you left.
I had to cope with everything!
Everything!
Who stuck around
so they wouldn't be alone?
Every weekend I visited.
Every weekend I was here.
[WHISPERING] Sandrine. Sandrine!
NATHALIE: So yes,
I didn't want you
at their funeral.
I let you know
at the last minute.
Why?
It's too easy
just to breeze in 30 years later
to cry over them.
All that for what?
Why?
Because I was only 18!
I was 18!
[SCREAMS]
[ALL GASP]
[STPHANE SHOUTS]
-ANTONIN: It's almost midnight!
-[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Do you realize?
The curse!
-Honey!
-Mom!
Ten, nine...
[ALL COUNTING DOWN]
[ALL CHEERING]
It's midnight!
San-San, gimme one.
Really? Is it really midnight?
Yes!
It's not a joke?
No, it's not a joke.
It's not a joke, honey.
You sure?
Yes!
Then I can!
[ALL SHOUTING]
[SCREAMING]
[NATHALIE LAUGHING]
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
Shit!
[MONICA SPEAKING ITALIAN]
CHILDREN: Grandpa put his weenie
in Auntie Glitter!
Just a little.
Just once.
Much more than once!
What can I put them in?
Sandrine, please.
SANDRINE: Jrme, Jol, enough!
Put them in here.
But...
for now
or for good?
To us in Italy,
family is sacred.
To us, too!
Can I keep Grandma
and Grandpa's ashes with me?
Ask your mother.
JEAN-PAUL:
Jol, Jrme, let's go.
Can I keep Grandma
and Grandpa's ashes?
Yes.
Thanks.
I'll take good care of them.
Let's go. We have a long drive.
Bye, Auntie.
Bye, Stphane.
"Bye, Stphane."
-I was glad to meet you.
-"I was glad to meet you."
-[PARTY POPPER EXPLODES]
-What're you doing?
ANTONIN: Nothing.
I'm sick of you two.
-I'll see them out.
-Right, scram, man!
Now it's my fault.
Auguste!
[AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING]
Auguste, no!
Auguste, get out!
I told you not to eat animals!
[GROANS IN DISGUST]
[YELLS]
Love ya, Dad! It was great!
-Merry Christmas, Don Juan!
-Yeah, right!
Off you go!
Drive safely!
You finally did it?
-What?
-Christmas.
I can't smoke in my own house!
My daughter and her Aboriginals
nag me.
And those Aboriginals
don't speak a word of French.
I don't get a word.
Nothing, zilch, nada!
Know what they had the nerve
to put on my turkey?
Take a guess.
Cranberry sauce!
Cranberry sauce on a turkey!
How about you? How was it?
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
Nicole...
We dated for 10 months.
Eleven?
Okay. I didn't count.
I didn't know
you were so attached.
You never met anyone
as good as me?
[LAUGHS]
Right...
I like things to shine.
I like things to sparkle.
I found this.
You...
We need to talk.
I loved you so.
What's that?
You here?
What a waste.
[LAUGHS]
Why am I crying?
[SNIFFLES]
I wanna have a nice Christmas.
I felt nothing!
I didn't know who I was kissing.
-I was oblivious!
-Yeah, right.
I'll say it again,
I was unconscious.
Passed out. Out cold!
NEWSREADER ON TV: According
to our weather service,
temperatures have been much
higher, making Christmas 2024...
NATHALIE: It's 11:53 p.m!
You lied to me?
By a tiny half-hour.
You kiss my sister and you lie?
In seven minutes,
it'll be midnight.
What could possibly happen?
Do you realize
how dangerous this is?
Look! Your gift.
Fun Enterprise,
the sex toy giant, asks users
of the Salsa X
to refrain from using it.
The quality of the battery
seems problematic.
It overheats and explodes.
If this occurs while a woman
or a man is using the toy,
serious consequences can ensue,
including cardiac arrest.
It would be an unfortunate end
to Christmas Eve.
I don't know where I put it,
but remind me to throw it away.
Paws off!
[NICOLE MOANS]
[VIBRATOR BUZZING]
[EXHALES]
It's hot...
It's hot!
It's very hot!
It's burning!
It's stuck.
It's stuck!
-[SCREAMS]
-[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
[FAINT SCREAM]
[NICOLE SCREAMS]
ANTONIN:
What was that strange noise?
What?
What's that smell?
-Why the light?
-[SNIFFING]
Can't you smell that?
[BOTH SNIFFING]
You're right.
Something stinks.
Yeah, it smells
a bit like turkey.
It stinks and it's not turkey.
You're right.
It's strange. [SNIFFS]
On the one hand,
it smells like turkey,
and on the other, it smells...
It smells...
I know that smell.
Got it!
Burnt hog.
Exactly!
It stinks of burnt hog.
[SMOKE ALARM BLARING]
CHRISTMAS BALLS
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Finally.
Hello. Are you the family?
NATHALIE: Hello.
Love of mine.
You got here fast,
things should heal quickly.
Kissy kissy.
Why's she like this?
Slight cardiac arrest.
-Nothing serious.
-Listen to the doctor.
Cognitive disorders
are frequent,
memory issues.
How long will this last?
Stop.
A few weeks,
three to four months max.
That long?
I have to kiss her.
-Only one!
-And off you go.
Again.
Redo her bandage every evening.
Before bed.
Again.
Be sure to get inside the...
Yes, we understand.
Yeah, we get it.
All the way up.
We'll make sure.
-Merry Christmas all the same.
-ANTONIN: Thanks, you too.
You, love of mine.
Enough already!
It's not my fault.
NATHALIE: There's no two ways
about it, Christmas
has gone balls up!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[THUDS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]
[MUSIC STOPS]
I beg your pardon.
-Pardon? For what?
-Pardon? For what?
It's an expression.
[GASPS]
[SIGHS]
I'm all ears.
-Go ahead.
-No.
You.
We never manage to do it.
Never all the way.
Not once in 34 years.
ANTONIN: That said...
we hadn't done it before.
Well, we had,
each on our own.
But never together.
ANTONIN: It starts off
well enough.
NATHALIE: It starts normally,
like with most people,
I imagine.
Even if we don't know
how others do it.
With us, it's conventional.
Yes, we've remained traditional.
Sometimes even a bit humdrum.
Really? You think so?
Yeah?
True. We do nothing
out of the ordinary.
My wife's a stickler
for schedules and protocol.
We always start at 7:00 p.m.
-You're exaggerating.
-We do.
-No.
-We do.
A late start gets her flustered.
NATHALIE:
What's peculiar, doctor, is...
the rest of the year is easy.
Easy-peasy.
Then again, the rest of the year
we don't do it.
True.
No, for us it's...
-solely on Christmas.
-solely on Christmas.
That?
That what?
That what?
-That it doesn't go well.
-That it doesn't go well.
[PAPER RUSTLING]
[WHISPERS] Don't scratch!
Or she gets scabs.
She has pre-Christmas psoriasis
that makes her life hell.
It's September.
Well, yes!
It's only a term away.
ANTONIN: My wife thinks...
Is convinced.
My wife is convinced
our family is cursed.
What makes you say that?
Disaster strikes every time,
and we never end Christmas Eve
all together.
Never.
Something always happens
before midnight.
Start with your parents.
No.
Start with your parents
or I will!
It goes way back.
Our first Christmas.
We were celebrating...
At my parents'. Actually, we...
Sorry.
We always celebrate there.
At my parents'.
Mine were to join us.
They were bringing the Yule log.
And...
[RATTLING]
[HAPPY MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]
Watch out!
[SCREAMS]
[CAR HONKING]
CHRISTMAS BALLS
ANTONIN: They died instantly.
Few used seatbelts back then.
But it was long ago.
It happens a lot, unfortunately.
He always says
it's coincidental.
We began to wonder
if there was a connection.
A connection?
Every year, before midnight,
something happens.
Did you hear
about the local family
who got food poisoning
Christmas Eve?
Not at all.
It was us.
Sandrine was pregnant,
so we doubly freaked out.
Sandrine's our eldest.
We have two girls and a boy.
NATHALIE: Just once,
just once I called on a caterer!
I'd broken both wrists
on my way to work.
You'd slipped on black ice.
Accidents happen.
Some coincidence!
Stay with us.
[AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING]
Breathe. Take a deep breath.
There.
[VOMITS]
It's revolting! I can't do this!
[LAUGHING]
[VOMITS]
Right this way, madam.
[GROANING]
Charlotte!
I'll be back, Papa.
I'm coming, Mom.
[GASPS]
We were taken
to the local hospital.
Sandrine's water broke
in the ambulance.
Luckily she was
in the right place.
We never learned
the source of poisoning.
Yes we did!
The doctors mentioned
the smoked salmon.
Maybe so, but why us every year?
And that's why Charlotte
didn't get sick.
She's our younger girl.
She's a vegetarian.
Vegan. A cut above.
Hardly a pain for the hostess!
[LAUGHS]
ANTONIN: She's very into
current issues:
No buying brand new gifts,
eating foie gras or meat.
The overconsumption killing
the planet makes her sick.
NATHALIE: True, her brother,
who's the opposite, loves
to tease her. He can't help it.
[CHUCKLES]
But still...
they're very close.
-STPHANE: I'm loving it.
-So am I.
-Very good.
-It's delicious.
Simone, the pt is scrumptious.
It's not pt, it's foie gras.
Charlotte, you're missing out.
-On cancer?
-Charlotte.
Don't start, please.
Just imagining these geese
getting that thing
stuffed down their gullet
-turns me on.
-[LAUGHING]
-It's called a crop.
-[SIMONE LAUGHING]
-I'm turned on!
-A crop.
Please don't start.
-It only lasts ten seconds.
-Stop it.
STPHANE: Yum, the crop.
Grosse crop. Gut! Gut!
-Is that a joke?
-[ANTONIN LAUGHING]
It's not funny.
[BOTH SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
-Leaving?
-[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
Just for a smoke.
[IN GERMAN ACCENT]
I'll hafe Charlotte's foie gras.
Ten seconds of animal torture!
-Charlotte!
-Murderer! I'll stuff your crop!
[CHARLOTTE SHOUTS]
Swallow!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
Stop it!
I finally pulled them apart.
But he had to leave.
A bottle of champagne in one go
filled him with gas.
-All bloated.
-[ANTONIN LAUGHING]
So bloated.
[CHUCKLES]
We're not boring you
with our stories?
Not at all.
NATHALIE: What else
shall we tell him?
ANTONIN: That time with
Jean-Paul and your mother...
Remember?
-[LAUGHING]
-I don't see what's so funny...
Jean-Paul's our son-in-law,
Sandrine's husband.
A nice guy.
Nice and patient.
The epitome of patience!
True, my mother had it in
for Jean-Paul.
Yet I'd told her that year,
"Lay off Jean-Paul. It's not
his fault Jrme's cross-eyed.
"It's mere coincidence."
Good evening!
[SIGHS] Still together?
Hard to believe.
Merry Christmas to you, too,
Simone.
No! I do four!
-Merry Christmas, Granny.
-No kisses!
I have terrible conjunctivitis.
It itches so bad.
I keep scratching.
Now we can.
How do you say tradition?
-Tradition.
-[TRANSLATOR APP IN CHINESE]
Oh, shucks.
[WOMAN SPEAKS IN CHINESE]
[STPHANE SPEAKS IN CHINESE]
-[STPHANE SPEAKS IN CHINESE]
-[LAUGHS]
I lost.
[TRANSLATOR APP IN CHINESE]
I could've sworn
I'd bought nine of them.
NATHALIE: Mother!
What? So I goofed.
SIMONE: I won! 15 euros!
[EXCLAIMS] Good going.
It'll cover the champagne.
First we open my gifts.
Now we can.
You'll see.
I spent a lot of money.
Mother!
STPHANE: Thanks, Granny.
[GASPS]
I remember now.
I left one at the butcher's.
-[BOX THUDS]
-Thanks, Granny.
Oh...
What is it?
A wine thermometer.
-Ah.
-Isn't that great? So useful!
-Very original.
-[NATHALIE LAUGHS]
You don't have one?
Nope. [CHUCKLES]
Thank you, Simone.
-Thanks, Mother.
-SIMONE: Isn't it pretty?
-Nathalie.
-[ICE CLINKING]
Ah.
Oop, oop, oops...
I'll get it, Nathalie.
You always do everything.
-Thanks, Jean-Paul.
-Thanks, Jean-Paul.
[JEAN-PAUL SINGING]
Father, it's a candle!
SIMONE: He's totally out of it.
So Granny's thirsty, is she?
[SIGHS]
We'll get you a drink.
SIMONE: That boy is so slow!
-JEAN-PAUL: In ya go.
-[URINE TRICKLING]
A little bit.
JEAN-PAUL: And for the lady.
Finally!
Here's to you, Simone.
-Here we go.
-Merry Christmas.
Santa and Santa
peed in Granny Simone's glass.
[CHARLOTTE AND JEAN-PAUL LAUGH]
JEAN-PAUL: Children are silly.
SANDRINE: You didn't!
JEAN-PAUL: What an imagination!
Jean-Paul, though I'm fond
of you, that's going too far.
-You didn't?
-JEAN-PAUL: Just a drop.
SIMONE: Well, Jean-Paul,
never got a beating
from an old lady?
You will tonight!
STPHANE: Granny, stop!
JEAN-PAUL:
She's out of her mind!
SIMONE: You
and your cross-eyed brat!
JEAN-PAUL:
Cantankerous old biddy!
It's not Santa!
It's Daddy and Daddy!
[WOMAN SPEAKING IN CHINESE]
His shlong only
in Granny's champagne.
[GRUNTING]
JEAN-PAUL: You never liked me!
It's alright.
Happy Easter!
Mother threw them out.
We couldn't calm her.
She went to bed.
And we all went home.
NATHALIE: By the way,
that was how Jrme
realized
Santa Claus didn't exist.
Mmm-hmm.
Do we have time left?
Yes.
NATHALIE: Let's tell the story
of Charlotte's gift.
Go for it!
So many to choose from.
I forget the year,
but we wanted
to surprise Charlotte.
ANTONIN: She's anti-gift.
-So you said.
-ANTONIN: Did I?
It was the year
Mother made up with Jean-Paul.
They'd had a second child.
A darling boy.
Just what Mother wanted.
She was gaga over him.
What nice eyes you have.
Like Jean-Paul's.
Not eating?
The custard has eggs.
It's not vegan.
Jrme, go play somewhere else.
Another tipple?
Without the pizzle.
ANTONIN: I'd sprained my neck
opening champagne.
The cork hit my nose.
The bottle'd slipped
on the sink.
Another coincidence.
ALL: Charlotte's gift!
Charlotte's gift!
I said I didn't want one.
-[ALL EXCLAIMING]
-Come on!
I hope the box is recycled.
-[ALL CHEERING]
-Come on, now!
[ALL GASP]
A cute little kitty!
Isn't he sweet?
SANDRINE: It'll get hair
all over.
We all pitched in.
Me the most.
Little bugger cost a fortune.
It was your sister's idea.
JEAN-PAUL: She wracked
her brains for so long.
-She cares.
-How irresponsible!
A dog, seriously?
How can I manage a dog's
emotions? I can't manage mine!
I live in 250 sq. ft.
Not in the 'burbs
in a big house with three kids!
I'm in for 15 years now!
You don't eat animals.
You love them so.
I love them free!
Not on a leash, as pets!
It'll keep you company.
You're so lonely.
You are such a bitch!
You hate it that I'm free,
without rug rats,
one of whom is cockeyed.
Don't say that!
Take it back!
-[CHARLOTTE SCREAMS]
-Sandrine! Stop it!
Let go of her.
[LAUGHS]
Let me go. I'll kill her.
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-[PUPPY BARKING]
[JRME CRYING]
Oh, shit!
[CRIES] Eat the damn dog!
It's not a dog, it's Jrme!
NATHALIE:
Smashing her son's jaw,
Sandrine was traumatized.
Luckily it was his baby teeth.
Poor kid, already cross-eyed.
NATHALIE:
I just thought of something.
Jrme,
he was born on Christmas Eve.
Yeah.
The year we got food poisoning.
Yes. And?
That!
Was that coincidence?
You're getting off track.
Stay focused.
We've tried tons of things.
Even taking the family
for a vacation in the sun.
Vitamin D, the sea air, you see?
To defy convention,
for a change of scenery.
Since it cost a pretty penny,
we decided that, for once,
we'd skip presents.
-What's she up to?
-[PA ANNOUNCEMENT ON SPEAKERS]
It's hopeless.
She makes a point of being late.
I'm so glad I'm your gal.
And I'm glad to be your guy.
Ms. Lambert is wanted
at the Sunset Air desk.
What is this, Charlotte?
We'll miss the plane!
You said you'd get a sitter!
A sitter on Christmas Eve?
I'm knocking my carbon footprint
sky high for you.
[MACHINE BEEPS]
He exceeds hand luggage weight.
Check him.
Put my son in the hold?
You nuts?
Come on, just check him.
Why not in the landing gear
like a migrant?
Blow it out of proportion!
You loonies, don't get
your knickers in a twist.
Lay off!
A few ounces is no biggy.
Pretty please.
Sorry, I can't.
Charlotte, it's just a dog.
Do you have a cage,
a real big one,
for my sister?
-Since she had kids,
-[SIMONE LAUGHS]
the excess weight is her ass!
Better to be envied than pitied,
you bag of bones!
You're single 'cause doing you
is like screwing a marrowbone.
What'd you say?
I said marrowbone.
Big fat marrowbone!
[SCREAMS]
-STPHANE: Holy cross!
-She said marrowbone.
"Marrowbone" was too much
for Charlotte.
Things got out of hand.
Stphane's girl at the time
took it badly and left.
What was that one's name?
-Cline.
-Cline.
He can't settle down.
They always lack something.
So we missed the plane.
Except Stphane.
-As selfish as he is...
-No, he's sharp.
That's why he's successful.
He slipped away and boarded.
He had a nice Christmas.
Nine free seats on the plane,
five rooms at the hotel club.
Two minutes left.
Huh?
I'll get to the point.
I'm almost there, actually.
Go ahead.
Last Christmas took the cake.
Yet it started so well.
Everything was perfect.
It even snowed.
[ANTONIN HUMMING JINGLE BELLS]
Christmas magic.
[ALL LAUGHING AND SHOUTING]
Not Santa Claus!
Come on, Sandrine!
-[SIMONE GROANS]
-NATHALIE: I know, your hip.
Where am I?
NATHALIE: At home, Mother.
'Morning.
NATHALIE:
Merry Christmas, Father.
-SIMONE: Cold!
-You're cold?
Let me cover you
with the blanket I got you.
-[SIMONE GROANING]
-[GRUNTS] There you go.
-Good morning.
-Yes, Papa.
ANTONIN: C'mon, honey!
Coming!
-I'll put another log on.
-[SIMONE GROANING]
-[NATHALIE GRUNTING]
-[CHILDREN SHOUTING]
It's all gone well.
Not a glitch.
You see?
First one who gets a hit, wins!
-Nearly midnight, no one's left.
-It's all in your head.
No such thing as a curse.
ANTONIN: Just missed!
[SIMONE SHOUTS]
Kids,
-it's almost midnight.
-[SIMONE SHOUTING]
Eleven...
Ten...
-[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
-Yes, Father and Mother, wait!
ALL: Eight...
Honestly, I sometimes wish
they'd gently slip away.
Better to go fast and not
put your kids through it.
ALL: Four...
Almost there.
-[SIMONE SHOUTING]
-They're such pains!
[CRYING] I wished it!
It's all my fault!
Remember. You said gently.
Gently, love.
Thank you. Here, honey.
Thanks.
There you go.
Excuse me...
What do you expect from me?
ANTONIN: We'd like your opinion,
your advice to...
Put an end to this curse!
I don't believe
in a Christmas curse.
You don't believe it?
It's your perception.
[NATHALIE GASPS]
It's not my perception,
they are facts!
It's reality! Concrete!
Anyway, I could see you
were elsewhere. We bored you.
I promise you, no.
-It's 70?
-Times two.
Your leg was twitching!
When I looked,
I saw you wake up.
You had a snooze!
Your perception again.
Why not just say I'm crazy!
Now, what
might be interesting...
is to not celebrate.
You'd be sure
nothing will happen.
-[DOOR OPENS]
-[AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING]
-Goodbye.
-Good luck.
Not celebrate?
140 euros for that?
See? It was pointless.
We set my parents on fire.
Why not try everything?
You don't call a shrink doctor.
Not celebrating depresses me.
Celebrating makes me anxious.
Convenient.
NATHALIE: I'm the only
lucid person in the family.
Sure.
You think I'm crazy, too!
I didn't say that.
Either we celebrate or we don't.
We have to decide.
Maybe the shrink's right
after all.
This wallpaper has to go.
Sleeping in my parents' room
is bad luck.
Just think, maybe
this year's Christmas,
it's our turn.
Stop it!
You'll freak me out.
And before new wallpaper,
we could move the urn. [GRUNTS]
-[BED CREAKS]
-[ANTONIN GRUNTS]
Good night, Mother.
Good night, Father.
You should quit that, too.
[CHOIR SINGING JINGLE BELLS]
Is this better? Or that?
Like that.
Not that, before.
This is blurry.
Before what? Before like that?
Or before like that?
I think it was clearer before,
when you said,
-"This better?"
-Before when?
Before like this?
Or before like that?
Is this clear or blurry?
It's blurry.
It's not clear.
What you're saying, I mean.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
WOMAN: Just before.
Will they be ready
for Christmas? Or before that?
This year I'm hosting.
Without my glasses, recipes...
-[LAUGHS]
-We'll do our best.
Have a good day.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[GASPS]
What a beaut!
-[NATHALIE INHALES]
-[TURKEY GOBBLING SOUND]
[OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
No, not her!
THRSE: Hi there!
Hello.
-Don't see much of you.
-I work long hours.
I so miss your parents.
I can't chat.
Andr especially. Charming man!
Your mother was a piece of work.
I'm allowed to say that, right?
But it must be tough,
moving into their house.
But it's a way
of being with them.
Exactly.
What a tragedy!
Luckily I was asleep
when it happened.
It rattled
the whole neighborhood.
I keep thinking about it.
Especially in this season.
I'm so excited,
because for the first time,
I'm hosting.
My daughter's coming from
Australia, with her in-laws.
I'll finally meet my grandson.
Wonderful.
It's high time! He's 18.
Australia is far away,
after all.
Well, thanks for everything.
So what are you doing?
Celebrating or not?
We have to do something.
Put up a fence.
Something to keep her away.
-Where are you?
-ANTONIN: Bedroom!
What're you doing?
You said...
Forget it. Look what I found.
[ANTONIN SIGHS]
[ANTONIN EXHALES]
Master Bangus?
"Great Seer and Healer.
"Solves even the worst problems:
"marital strife, lovers'
reunion, obesity, gambling."
Pretty eclectic.
Read the last sentence.
"Protection against curses."
"Exorcism."
100% guaranteed.
House calls possible.
Even Sundays.
He's not coming
to buy the house.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Master Bangus.
Hello, Master.
Hi.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
I cleaned the house
thoroughly this morning.
[SHUSHES]
I need to hear
the vibes of the house.
[SOFTLY] Ah...
We had it installed for
my parents towards the end...
Gotta take it down.
[SHUSHES]
Mega hassle to dismantle.
Not the original mattress.
-We got a new one for my back.
-[SHUSHES]
[ANTONIN WHISPERS]
And the last one.
We almost never come in.
We use it for storage.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC INTENSIFIES]
[MUMBLING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC FADES]
Who's this?
The little one is me.
-Next to me is...
-ANTONIN: It's Nicole.
He asked me.
My sister.
I haven't seen her in decades.
-Thirty-four years.
-Let me talk.
You're being a pain.
She up and left one day.
She needed space.
She always liked to travel.
So I don't know
where she is now.
[ANTONIN SCATTING]
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Brazil. Her old wanderlust.
You know how it is. First you
stay in touch, then you don't.
She's never been
family-oriented.
Really?
I know her better.
Family together,
Christmas better.
She didn't even come
to our parents' funeral.
Imagine her doing
Christmas with us?
[SIGHS] Who knows?
[REPORTER ON TV] Streets filled
with people carrying parcels...
NATHALIE: Shut that off, please.
[TV STOPS PLAYING]
-I think they'd be pleased.
-What?
For the kids to meet their aunt.
After all this time.
Stop it! We've lost touch.
I wouldn't even recognize her.
Nathalie.
What?
FYI, Christmas is ten days away.
As if I didn't know.
We can't tell them
at the last minute.
Who?
Sandrine, Charlotte, Stphane.
Our kids.
And our grandchildren, too.
I still haven't decided, ok?
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
You made the right decision.
I'm proud of you.
ALL: We all are, Mom.
Yes, Nathalie,
we're proud of you.
[INDIRA SINGS IN OTHER LANGUAGE]
Indira is honored to be here.
You all understand there's
no fire in the hearth this year.
ALL: Of course, Mom.
To the first Christmas
without Grandpa and Grandma.
Wait a second.
[MAGICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[PUPPY BARKING]
It's flying low.
What're you talking about?
It's flying very low.
Get down!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Get down!
[SCREAMING]
[SHOUTING] What?
What's the matter?
It's horrible!
-What's the matter?
-We did Christmas!
We're all dead. We're dead!
[CONTINUES SCREAMING]
[PANTING] Where you going?
The couch.
No Christmas.
I'll tell the kids.
[SAD MUSIC PLAYING]
-What're you doing?
-[SCREAMS]
Think I don't know you? Open it.
Nathalie, open it.
[TURKEY GOBBLING SOUND]
You wear me out.
A lot.
A whole lot!
I won't roast it.
A whole lot!
I was just looking at it!
December 24
[MOBILE ALARMING]
[AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING]
You're up early.
Yeah.
Who is it?
Sandrine.
Is she upset?
You know how she is.
They're all eating out,
except Charlotte.
She's thrilled
to get out of it for once.
[GASPS]
[AMUSING MUSIC CONTINUES]
I'm off.
At this hour,
you can call it a day.
-Merry Christmas, Mrs. Lambert.
-You too.
Your house looks gloomy
with no decorations!
Not celebrating, are you?
There's no fooling you.
That said, I understand.
I have to push it
out of my mind.
[HORN BLARING]
Here they are!
I'm so very happy!
If you get bored,
come over for some champagne.
Or for the Yule log.
Don't worry,
we don't have a fireplace.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
What're you doing?
We'll go to that
Thai place you like.
No.
-Yes.
-No.
Yes!
[GUITAR PLAYING]
[NATHALIE SHOUTING]
[FAMILY SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROL]
No. I said no!
I don't want this!
Come on, honey.
I don't want this!
I can't hear you!
I can't hear you!
I can't hear you!
Honey, get a hold of yourself.
Simmer down.
We learned it in German
to make it easy on you.
I wanted a quiet evening!
I told you. Again and again!
Drop this nonsense
about a curse!
Down with commercial holidays!
We thought you'd be happy.
This is crazy.
Don't take it so badly.
Have a seat, calmly.
Breathe through your diaphragm.
It's just a little outburst.
-[CHILDREN SHOUTING]
-[NATHALIE SCREAMS]
What is it?
-The children.
-[ALL LAUGHING]
They wanted to surprise you.
Is that for me?
Isn't that pretty!
SANDRINE:
They did them this morning.
JEAN-PAUL:
Lots of pretty colors.
NATHALIE: What is it?
Grandma and Grandpa
burnt under the tree.
-You didn't check?
-There's no likeness.
Thank you, sweetie.
Mom, let me introduce Monica.
[MONICA SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
An Italian. This is a first.
We met about a week ago.
-Una piccola week.
-[MONICA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
A week is a lifetime!
You met her online.
STPHANE: Yes, lay off.
She doesn't understand French,
but does get the drift.
[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
[LAUGHS]
Speaking of emozione.
-Get ready!
-What is it?
One, two, three.
ALL: Ta-da!
-Aw! My turkey!
-ANTONIN: And thawed.
Your mother's
the queen of turkeys.
Why don't you go get dolled up?
Yes, alright...
I was going that way.
All that emozione!
[LAUGHING]
-I love you.
-[NATHALIE SHOUTS]
I'm warning you,
if anybody dies tonight,
it won't be my fault, okay?
You'll scare the children.
Isn't someone already dead?
ANTONIN: Charlotte!
Don't start.
Take it easy.
Daddy, who's dying tonight?
Nobody's dying.
Hand me those.
[AUGUSTE WHINING]
Dear Nathalie,
once more
we unite for Christmas.
Wait, it flips me out.
Can you use another word?
Mom!
What a hardhead!
Christmas is Christmas.
Once more we unite for...
Tooftoof.
-Is that okay?
-Perfect.
Tooftoof?
[LAUGHS]
Not celebrating Tooftoof...
would have been
admitting defeat.
For the children.
So all together we took on
the huge responsibility
-of making this Christmas...
-[NATHALIE CLEARS THROAT]
Sorry.
Of making this Tooftoof
a...
Perfect Tooftoof!
[MONICA SHOUTS]
That's it.
[BOTH LAUGH AWKWARDLY]
She gonna screech all night?
[MONICA CONTINUES LAUGHING]
[MONICA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
What's she saying?
Contenta.
She's happy to meet you.
Thank you, but my name's
not "Sardine". It's Sandrine!
She's Italian, not deaf.
She's so loud
it makes me wonder.
Show some female solidarity.
You're jealous of her bod'.
Lay off my weight.
Stop it, girls!
Sorry.
For this occasion,
we've devised
a conflict-avoidance strategy.
[OBJECTS CLATTERING]
-Monica.
-[THANKS IN ITALIAN]
Go on. Take one.
Sandrine.
Boys. Jean-Paul!
JEAN-PAUL: I want a big one.
[BELLS RINGING]
This way everyone
can feel like a cow.
Oh, cut it out.
So!
If at any time
we feel the slightest edge
of tension, what do we do?
We ring our bell!
Which will mean
stop!
No hardball!
-Promise?
-Promise!
[MONICA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN,
LAUGHS]
For tonight, Nathalie,
no one, and I mean no one,
will leave this house before
the last stroke of midnight,
no matter...
What it takes!
She understands everything.
It's 8:00 p.m.
Midnight.
We have to last four hours.
[THUNDER CLAPPING]
NATHALIE: What is it?
Stop it!
You're stressing Auguste out.
It's alright.
-The fuses tripped, honey.
-[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
-[SCREAMS]
-[GASPS]
The doorbell wasn't working.
Since the door was unlocked.
STPHANE: It's a surprise
for la mamma.
The auntie, sistera de mamma.
Nicole?
Have I changed that much?
What brings you here?
ALL: Merry Christmas!
No!
Yes!
My Nini.
My Nana.
My Nana!
Honey!
-Give me your hand.
-[NATHALIE GRUNTS]
Falling into each other's arms.
I'm fine.
Just a bruise. I'm fine.
It's nothing. A silly fall!
My Nana.
My Nini.
[TOUCHING MUSIC PLAYING]
We're very family.
Let's not cry, now.
Not at our age.
-When'd you land?
-This morning. Paris.
Baggage delivery took forever.
Taxi to the train station.
Two-hour train ride
to Angoulme.
Taxi again to get to Jarnac.
I'm pooped!
Totally jet-lagged.
You plotted this behind my back.
-Yup!
-[ANTONIN LAUGHS]
And you all
played me for a fool.
The weather's lousy here!
It's not Rio.
And Antonin...
The lightning trick.
That was such
a thundering entrance.
Plane, train and taxis were me.
Not the thunder and lightning.
-Mere coincidence.
-No such thing.
[NATHALIE LAUGHS]
Okay, let me
introduce my children.
No, wait!
Antonin explained. Let me guess.
-You.
-Yes, me.
You are...
Sandrine.
[LAUGHS]
The eldest.
That's it. You're good!
And you are...
[WHISPERING] Charlotte.
Charlotte, that's it!
Vegan, second child.
That's it.
-This is my dog, Auguste.
-Hi, puppy.
And you...
Your name is Stphane.
The youngest, the Don Juan.
Known as horn-dog.
And I'm Jean-Paul.
Sandrine's husband.
And incidentally,
resident Santa.
Not incidentally, primarily!
ANTONIN: And this is
Jol and Jrme,
our two little
walking skeletons.
Hello.
-Who are you?
-Me?
Your granny's older sister.
I look so young you can't tell.
Who's the other lady?
There isn't another lady.
Only one.
He has a slight...
His second operation
is planned after vacation.
Sandrine and I didn't want...
We'll spare you
four-eyes' history.
Monica, my girlfriend.
I mean, a friend.
For this year.
[MONICA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
[NICOLE SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[MONICA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
Glad you speak Italian.
I've been struggling un poquito.
He loves all things exotic,
but he's lousy at languages.
I traveled around Italy.
I get by.
-You don't say?
-[ALL EXCLAIM]
Well, I am Antonin
from Angoulmo.
KIDS: What's your name?
Her name's Nicole.
No,
Nicole is a thing of the past.
It's behind me.
Over and done with!
In Rio,
I'm known as Miss Glitter.
You can call me Auntie Glitter.
-Come get comfortable.
-I'd love a shower.
-Could someone carry my bag?
-At your service.
For you.
-Lovely. You shouldn't have.
-They're not from Rio.
A guy was selling them
near the taxis.
Felt sorry for him.
It's Christmas, after all.
That's kind.
Put them in water.
Right now even.
Okay! Here's the suitcase.
[GRUNTS]
It weighs a ton!
-It's my lingerie.
-Silly.
Wait for me!
Charlotte, catch.
-You happy, Mom?
-She's so cool!
Shall I pop the bubbly?
Pop what you like.
[NATHALIE PANTING]
Gotta warn you,
it's a holy mess.
You might be a bit...
I guess not.
It's been... You completely...
I was totally in the dark.
That's the point of a surprise.
It's weird being back.
They refused to change the room.
It was their way
of remembering you.
I know.
-We called each other sometimes.
-Of course.
So you decided to move in, then?
We hesitated.
It was hard to consider selling.
The kids
are very attached to it.
We have so many memories.
So many.
And it's roomier
than our place in Angoulme.
We'll have to renovate
gradually. The place is so big.
The bathroom's
still in the same spot.
See?
So you're a math teacher?
That's right.
Your thing since high school.
And you?
I hear you sell glasses.
Yes, I'm an optician.
-Certified!
-[ANTONIN CHUCKLES]
Hug?
-Huh?
-Huh?
Three-way hug?
-Yeah!
-Let's.
[AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING]
[NATHALIE CHUCKLES]
It feels so good to reunite,
be able to touch you,
see you in the flesh.
Frankly, it was hard being
so far away all these years.
It's not like
we never invited you...
at first.
You still wear the same perfume.
Yes, I haven't changed.
Tell me.
Was she easy to convince?
She answered my message
immediately.
Lucky you. What did you say?
That you weren't well and...
Why'd you say that? I'm fine.
-Not a word about the marabout?
-No, 'course not.
-Relax.
-[CLEARS THROAT]
Yeah.
I wouldn't want the kids
to think I'd go that far.
Darling, only you believe
that foolishness.
It seemed important that you
reconnect and the kids meet her.
Yes.
And you know,
Auntie Glitter could be called
Auntie Business Class.
For an 11-hour flight,
I spared her economy.
Wow! That must've
cost you a bundle.
How does she know
you became a math teacher?
We chatted
while getting organized.
[ANTONIN AND MONICA VOCALIZING]
SANDRINE: Sit down, Jol.
What's she up to?
Relax, Mom.
My turkey won't wait.
CHARLOTTE: Cut it out!
There she is!
-[PIANO PLAYING]
-ANTONIN: Wow!
[ALL CHUCKLING]
JEAN-PAUL: Auntie Glitter!
You are dazzling!
[MONICA SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[NICOLE SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Italians have
an innate sense of chic.
Don't you like my dress?
What's the look?
No, I think it's great.
Just a bit...
Short?
That's the word.
And a bit flashy, too.
[CHUCKLES]
Imagine that, my little sister's
telling me how to dress.
It's not really suited to
a woman your age, or Christmas.
Let's not dwell on her dress.
Age has nothing to do with it.
It's all about personality.
Sure, it's a bit short.
But who cares?
I love it!
Mommy, why are the two ladies
dressed the same?
Cut it out.
You're cross-eyed. Understand?
You see double.
Simple as that!
Don't snap at him.
He's annoying me on purpose.
JEAN-PAUL: Okay, kids,
go get your toys.
Where do I put my gifts?
Under the tree.
There are nametags now.
Last year I got Legos.
Wasn't for me.
[ANTONIN CLEARS THROAT]
What?
Nothing.
Is that them?
[SAD MUSIC PLAYING]
Are Mom and Dad inside?
NATHALIE: Yes.
-Did it happen here?
-Yes.
[STPHANE WHISPERING IN ITALIAN]
How is it possible?
Maybe if I'd been here...
I'm so sorry
I wasn't here
for your last goodbye.
I understand.
You have no reason to feel bad.
You told me at the last minute.
Not at all.
I told you as soon as I could.
They're not easy calls to make.
I couldn't reach you,
so I texted you.
It said, "Answer me. Urgent."
That's when you called me back.
-Really?
-Really.
That's exactly how it happened.
If you say so,
you must be right.
Alright!
Change the subject?
-I didn't come to be a downer.
-ANTONIN: Exactly!
Tonight, we party.
Let's sit down to dinner.
Aren't we doing gifts?
No, we do gifts with the log.
As kids, it was pre-dinner.
But we do it with the log.
It's our tradition.
-[BOTH CHUCKLING]
-NICOLE: Too bad.
We could make an exception.
Let's go. It'll get cold.
Take your glasses.
Yes, Mom!
Coming?
"Let's go. It'll get cold.
"Take your glasses. Come on."
That's so her!
[AUGUSTE BARKS]
Grandpa Andr and Granny Simone
are no longer with us.
But we maintain traditions!
Father and Mother always did it.
ANTONIN: Under your napkins.
Here goes.
Everyone has theirs?
Wait.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
We're rich!
Me too. I won, too!
[MONICA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
[LAUGHING] How about you, honey?
I'm still scratching.
Oh, I get it.
Sorry. It was Nicole's idea.
What kids!
Told you it'd be hilarious.
Convincing.
Not very nice, but convincing.
Alright...
Now that we've had a laugh,
can I have your plates?
A nice big piece.
That's fine, thanks.
Nicole.
No, thanks. I don't eat corpses.
-You're a vegetarian?
-I became one.
Adopt me, Auntie!
Help yourselves.
Who wants foie gras?
Your plate.
NICOLE: Tell me, sweetie,
do you have someone?
No, I like being single.
No one nagging
or bossing me around.
Singlehood
is the key to independence.
Are you with someone?
NICOLE: I've had
a few casual relationships,
but nothing serious.
I've lived it up, though.
Didn't you want kids?
These questions are so nosy.
I don't mind. They just
want to get to know me.
NICOLE: Kids?
I'd have loved some.
But fate had other plans.
I was wondering though, Nicole.
I mean, Auntie Glitter.
Even if my brother and sister
and I argue a lot,
I can't imagine
not seeing them for years.
Is that true?
Yes, it's true.
Of course it is. We're
brother and sister for life.
You don't have to see each other
to love one another.
If she says so,
she must be right.
-[AUGUSTE BARKS]
-[NATHALIE SHOUTS]
No dogs on the table!
Mom, he's my son.
For Christ's sake!
Eat your kibble in the kitchen!
I was wondering. Is there
a nice hotel around here?
Why a hotel?
You're staying here.
Tonight, tomorrow,
after tomorrow.
Maybe a few more days. But
seeing you all, I was thinking
that it might be nice to...
find an apartment.
An apartment?
Seeing you here,
together as a family.
I didn't build
a life for myself.
I'm sorry.
We're here now.
We're your family.
Now, now...
JEAN-PAUL: Auntie Glitter...
If there's a new member
in the family,
that makes us very happy.
Group hug!
And with my job,
I can work from anywhere.
-What do you do?
-I'm an FBS influencer.
FB what?
Fashion Beauty Sexuality,
staying desirable at all ages.
Ambitious.
-You on Instagram?
-Sure am! Whaddya think?
Just because I'm 50...
Fifty-seven.
STPHANE:
What's your page called?
It's missglitter.
Shall I show you?
We'll follow you!
Pompoms on the nipples and
the chandelier stands by itself.
The chandelier's an illusion.
JEAN-PAUL:
Auntie Glitter's ballsy!
SANDRINE: Afraid of nothing.
I'll go get the turkey.
STPHANE: Princess Leia's
golden bikini.
I'm here.
-Very sexy.
-It's gorgeous.
-[NATHALIE GRUNTS]
-[AUGUSTE BARKS, GROWLS]
[GRUNTS] Outta the way!
"I didn't build
a life for myself."
Can I see the one
with the chandelier?
Oh, Dad.
-[FAMILY EXCLAIMING]
-[NICOLE GIGGLES]
[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]
Let's do the gifts now, please.
-Let's.
-Yeah?
We'll vote.
The yays and the nays.
Yay!
Gifts it is.
How do you say
"gifts" in Italian?
-[MONICA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
-I adoro regali time.
Jean-Paul, go change.
-Not this year.
-Yes. I'm fetching the boys.
San-San...
SANDRINE: Go!
The turkey.
ANTONIN:
We'll eat later, honey! Come on.
[NATHALIE GRUNTS]
"We'll eat later,
"honey!"
JEAN-PAUL: Ho ho ho!
I parked my sleigh
by your lovely garden.
This is ridiculous.
You still do Santa?
Sandrine insisted.
Not even Jol believes in Santa.
I know, but Sandrine, like
all the women in your family,
has a strong personality.
When she wants something,
you can't say no.
Ho ho ho!
Santa has champagne!
-[BELL RINGING]
-[ALL CHEERING]
Can we open our gifts, General?
Sure. Now we can.
It makes her happy.
-No crappy gifts?
-No, I'm spoiling you.
Can we start?
Yes, sorry! Of course.
Careful. On your mark,
get set...
Open!
NICOLE: The envelopes are
from me.
Since I didn't know you
or your traditions,
and...
I figured it was always welcome.
SANDRINE: For sure.
JEAN-PAUL: I'd never seen
the yellow ones.
I wish you had.
Auntie, this is huge.
You didn't have to.
I know.
I think it's cool.
-SANDRINE: You like gifts now?
-What if I donate?
-Yeah, right.
-CHARLOTTE: I mean it.
Don't touch that money.
Mom, what's with you?
It isn't done.
Come on, where's the harm?
NICOLE: Don't take it that way.
There's worse
than getting money.
It's indecent.
Can I say that?
I make a good living
and, most of all, I'm alone.
I have no one to spoil.
Since when is money indecent?
Thank you, Auntie.
Sorry,
I don't have a gift for you.
Had I known,
I'd have gotten you...
A new laugh?
-Give it a rest.
-Lighten up, it's not mean.
[NICOLE SPEAKING ITALIAN]
No problem.
In fact, I speak perfect French.
I understand it perfectly.
I'm a French teacher.
Got you there!
You like a good laugh too,
Sardine. I noticed.
Stphane raves about you.
Sandrine this. Sandrine that.
-Really?
-No.
You've been playing me
from day one?
Your profile
emphasized it so much.
"I can use my mother tongue,
when you want me to."
We don't wanna know.
The no-name bag
is yours, Monica.
Stphane has a new girl
every year.
She takes everything well.
Amazing.
ANTONIN: Okay, here I go.
It's my turn.
Yes, very nice.
I love it.
Beautiful scarf. I'm very happy.
Nice, eh?
-Superb.
-NICOLE: Not like that.
Your father never knew
how to dress.
ANTONIN: There's a way
to knot a scarf, now?
So how... I see.
That's better.
I look like the captain
of a yacht, don't I?
[IMITATES YACHT HORN SOUND]
My Nana, not opening yours?
In the bag.
Ah...
[HUMS] Oh.
Thank you,
but I already have a phone.
-[ALL LAUGHING]
-Mom!
You can be such a dumbbell.
It's a sex toy.
Oh.
MONICA: "Vibratore!"
-The latest design.
-Okay, I see.
MONICA: "Vibratore" in Italian.
I have a whole collection.
I'm not surprised.
JEAN-PAUL: Come now, Nathalie,
it's a dildo.
STPHANE:
"With eight levels of intensity,
"the Salsa X promises deep
and intense vibrations,
"out-of-this-world-orgasms.
"A notable plus,
the silence of the motor."
Hence, you can use it anywhere,
at the office,
in the metro,
in line at the butcher's,
at Optical Specs,
your favorite optician's.
-"Nathalie at your service!"
-That's true.
That's funny?
Relax, honey. It's fine.
Where's your sense of humor?
Get off my case!
And stop calling me Nana.
You know I always hated it.
You do it to piss me off!
Lighten up, I'll get another.
Now wait, honey.
Did I do something wrong?
[AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING]
[WHISPERING]
And the broken glass?
There. In the trash.
Everyone gets angry.
It's no big deal.
You okay?
-Jean-Paul...
-Yes.
Do me a favor?
Whatever you need.
[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]
No, that's awkward.
You are my son-in-law,
do as I say!
[WHISPERING] Come on, hurry up.
I'm not looking.
-Come on!
-I have to get it out first.
Complicated.
I can't will it.
[URINE TRICKLING]
Don't overfill it.
My apologies, I lost my temper.
But that's behind us now.
Here.
-Did I stain you?
-My stocking.
The perks of a minidress.
To a Merry Christmas!
[ALL CHEERING]
I prefer seeing you like this.
Thank you for the gift.
Mmm.
What could this be?
Mmm.
-This for me?
-STPHANE: No, for Jean-Paul.
[IMITATES DOG PANTING]
[MONICA AND STPHANE LAUGH]
Not very kind.
What's this?
That's from a specialty shop,
a belt hanger.
You put it in your closet
to hang all your belts.
-No better ideas?
-CHARLOTTE: She has no waist.
I thought...
That's from me.
I told you, no gifts.
No wrapping. It's eco-friendly.
-A fancy brand.
-I see that. Love it. Thanks.
[SNIFFS]
It smells of pee.
I found it in the metro.
I didn't wash it,
so it's really eco-friendly.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Asshole! That's gross!
And for la piu bella!
Stphane, we said 30 euros max
per gift.
STPHANE: For the family.
Monica isn't a part
of the family. Not yet.
It's charming.
And it must be practical,
as well. [LAUGHS]
Let's eat
before the turkey's cold.
I'm not very hungry.
Relax with your turkey, will ya?
Don't be such a tight-ass.
Typical.
She can't help but be vulgar.
"Don't be such a tight-ass."
She was like this as a teen.
Her boobs hanging out.
Mother Nature
was generous with me.
ANTONIN: Stop it, honey.
Nicole, stop!
He's right, Mom. You're a pain.
Look who's talking!
With your kids and husband
on a leash!
Enough!
Yeah, you emasculate me!
Know how hot it is in here?
I'm sick of this moronic
Santa costume
with Granny's stinky cushions!
And this wig that gives me
a headache like you do!
[AUGUSTE BARKS]
[JEAN-PAUL SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
Sorry, I lost my cool.
How about some music?
NICOLE: Excellent idea.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL CHEERING]
Live it up.
[ANTONIN CHEERING]
What're you doing?
Get outta there.
-Jol, gimme the gun.
-[VIBRATOR BUZZING]
Go play with Santa's toys.
What time is it?
11:00 p.m.
Christmas feels right this year.
I love her!
She's so free and offbeat.
I'm starting to like Christmas.
Since you love Christmas now,
go get the log cake.
I'm starving.
SANDRINE: I made it!
It's vegan! No eggs.
Especially for you, my Cha-Cha!
[KID SCREAMS]
Missile!
[CHILDREN GIGGLING]
-[NATHALIE SHOUTS]
-[CHILDREN SCREAM]
What're you doing up here?
Get out of that room!
Come here, you!
Give me those panties.
Get a load of this log!
Auguste, no! What'd you do?
-What is that?
-[CHILDREN GIGGLING]
[CHARLOTTE RETCHING]
[SIGHS]
[DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES]
Look at Dad.
I've never seen him like this.
Here comes the loggy!
I had a piece.
Taste. It's a delight.
[ANTONIN CHEERING]
Well,
don't take it badly.
No matter what you say,
vegan tastes like shit.
Thanks a lot.
I worked hard on it.
Can I taste?
Wait, I'll cut you a piece.
So? What am I thinking?
Where's the john?
Not what I had in mind, but...
before the dining room
on the right.
What's wrong?
I musta said something stupid.
Can you put this on, please?
Of course.
DJ Stfano!
[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Forget them all,
all the obstacles
That somehow get in our way
Something has brought us
a brand new day...
You happy to see me?
Sure. I'm glad.
I'm especially happy.
-Really?
-Yes.
They're pretty cozy.
Ever think our lives
could've been different?
Cut it out.
Different? No.
You vanished into thin air.
Never got in touch.
Should I have?
You regret it?
You better?
When I heard your voice
on the phone, it all came back.
Immediately.
So you and I
Will turn the page...
Stop it.
You're a bit unnerving.
-Kiss me.
-No.
Stop it.
Come on!
No.
Stop it.
[MUSIC TEMPO SPEEDS UP]
NATHALIE: A three-way dance?
-NICOLE: Well, sure.
-So that's why you came!
That's why you came!
Thanks. I was thirsty.
Pretending to stay calm
to piss me off?
You don't need that.
You've been tense
since the evening started.
-Have I?
-Yeah.
-Turn off the music!
-[MUSIC STOPS]
Don't start.
A flute in the face
isn't worth an argument.
Honey...
You, shut up!
What's worth an argument to you?
Go ahead.
Give me a topic.
-You wanna go there?
-Go on.
That's what you came for!
If we can't be frank,
why get together?
Shut up!
So,
what is Nini dying to tell us?
Well, children, you should know
that as a youth,
I made the serious mistake
of trusting
my dear little sister.
I should say,
the one who became your mother.
The slut.
The big slut.
The great big slut!
Slut! Slut!
I'm not sure I can say,
honestly,
that I ever forgave her.
No.
She told me in the car.
Remember? I was driving.
"By the way, Nicole,
"I gotta tell you something,
[CHUCKLES] "Me and Antonin
are kinda together."
So, as he was my fianc...
We weren't engaged.
You, be quiet!
As he was my fianc,
we had a little spat,
and it got heated.
So I slammed on the brakes.
As I had a knife,
I stabbed her in the carotid.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Then I went to get the jack
that was in my trunk
and cracked her skull.
And as I also had
a chainsaw in my trunk,
I cut her to pieces,
threw the body parts on the road
and ran over them several times,
until only a big puddle
was left.
I poured gasoline on it,
set it on fire,
and then woke up.
I had that dream for years.
Jeez, I believed it.
I was scared.
You mad woman!
-Darling!
-[ANTONIN GROANS]
[AUGUSTE BARKS]
I told you! I told you!
Call a doctor!
A pillow for his head.
Wait! Let me. I'm certified!
[PANTING]
[SINGS STAYIN' ALIVE
IN CPR BEAT]
[ALL SINGING STAYIN' ALIVE]
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[BOTH EXHALE]
[ROMANTIC VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]
-[ANTONIN GROANING]
-[NICOLE MOANING]
[NICOLE PANTING]
[CHILDREN GIGGLING]
-[ANTONIN MUMBLING]
-[NATHALIE WHISPERING]
I think he's alive.
ALL: He's very alive!
[NATHALIE SCREAMS]
What happened?
My love, I was so scared.
No, I was scared!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Stop this!
SANDRINE:
Jean-Paul, do something!
Stop it!
JEAN-PAUL: You're sisters!
Let's lighten up!
No biting!
Mom, stop! Auguste pooped on it!
Eat it!
He did what?
AUGUSTE: I didn't do nothin'!
NATHALIE: Eat it!
You'll kill her.
Honey, stop this right now.
Let go of me!
ANTONIN: That's enough! Stop it!
She's smeared in it.
-[RETCHES]
-STPHANE: It's so gross.
You okay?
You mad woman!
That's your mother.
Never seen her like that?
I'm outta here!
That's too easy.
I won't let you get away!
That's a very bad idea.
-Stay put.
-Shut up!
ANTONIN: Put the knife down.
-Put that down!
-Back off, fatso!
Mom, calm down.
It's my Christmas.
It's my Christmas. It's mine.
My Christmas.
I'll handle this.
Mom, be reasonable.
Give me the knife.
Back off!
Or I stab you!
And then I'll stab her.
-Ok.
-Back off.
Honey, nothing rash!
Sit down, all of you.
Sit down. Go sit, all of you.
Don't move.
Go sit down!
I'm sitting. Look.
[NATHALIE PANTING]
The garland!
What for?
Take down the garland
and tie her up.
-I need my glasses.
-Fuck.
-I'm ready.
-Let's go.
This one?
Gimme a hand, kids!
Take an end.
Hurry up.
Tie her hands together.
I got the end.
Hurry up. Move it! Get going!
-Tighten it!
-Turn her around.
Tighter!
No, the other way.
Good and tight.
-Which way?
-Like that. Careful.
Don't let her go!
Turn, Nicole. Keep turning.
-Her legs.
-Tighter!
-Around the legs.
-NATHALIE: No funny stuff.
Hurry.
There.
Sit the fuck down!
[NATHALIE PANTING]
[NATHALIE EXHALES]
It's not "O Christmas Tree."
It's "O Christmas Roast."
So,
I stole your fianc?
Didn't you tell me
you wanted to take a break
from the relationship?
-Think things over?
-Yes.
Think it over.
Two days later,
you stole my guy.
NATHALIE: You told me
you were into
Jean-Nol Triboulet.
Jean-Nol Triboulet,
the monitor?
Maybe I said
he was cute, but... [SHOUTS]
Don't!
It was because
he got me out of detention hall.
Yes you did!
One day you said,
"Jean-Nol Triboulet is cute.
"He's so sexy
"with his open shirts
and handsome forearms.
"I don't know
about Antonin anymore."
Anyhow,
Antonin made the first move.
Yes you did!
You came on to me.
You came over,
knowing Nicole was out.
You said you liked me.
That you always had.
Then you kissed me.
Yes you did!
You kissed me. Right there.
Right over there.
I was watching TV,
minding my own business.
You came and sat next to me,
very close.
You put your hand on my cheek
and you said,
"Nathalie,
I'm dying to kiss you."
Yes, and you answered,
"That's ok, go ahead."
Yes.
-I was 19.
-NATHALIE: Tell her!
Tell her!
Nicole,
you were...
What can I say?
A passing fancy.
A passing fancy?
Isn't that what you call it?
Shit, help me out, kids!
You liked Nicole,
but you had a crush on Mom?
That's right.
There you go, Nicole.
I had a crush on your sister.
No reason to spit.
He fell in love with me.
And me with him.
Is that our fault?
When I told you in the car,
nave as I was,
you didn't say anything.
As if you didn't care.
And you left two days later.
Should I have
smashed your face in?
Yes.
We might have avoided this.
[WHIMPERS]
You left me.
You abandoned me.
You left without a word.
Never asked for news
about my first degree,
my first job,
my first apartment.
My first baby.
No sister to offer support,
to console me, share my joys
and sorrows.
I had to figure it all out
on my own.
Father, Mother,
their sorrow when you left.
I had to cope with everything!
Everything!
Who stuck around
so they wouldn't be alone?
Every weekend I visited.
Every weekend I was here.
[WHISPERING] Sandrine. Sandrine!
NATHALIE: So yes,
I didn't want you
at their funeral.
I let you know
at the last minute.
Why?
It's too easy
just to breeze in 30 years later
to cry over them.
All that for what?
Why?
Because I was only 18!
I was 18!
[SCREAMS]
[ALL GASP]
[STPHANE SHOUTS]
-ANTONIN: It's almost midnight!
-[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Do you realize?
The curse!
-Honey!
-Mom!
Ten, nine...
[ALL COUNTING DOWN]
[ALL CHEERING]
It's midnight!
San-San, gimme one.
Really? Is it really midnight?
Yes!
It's not a joke?
No, it's not a joke.
It's not a joke, honey.
You sure?
Yes!
Then I can!
[ALL SHOUTING]
[SCREAMING]
[NATHALIE LAUGHING]
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
Shit!
[MONICA SPEAKING ITALIAN]
CHILDREN: Grandpa put his weenie
in Auntie Glitter!
Just a little.
Just once.
Much more than once!
What can I put them in?
Sandrine, please.
SANDRINE: Jrme, Jol, enough!
Put them in here.
But...
for now
or for good?
To us in Italy,
family is sacred.
To us, too!
Can I keep Grandma
and Grandpa's ashes with me?
Ask your mother.
JEAN-PAUL:
Jol, Jrme, let's go.
Can I keep Grandma
and Grandpa's ashes?
Yes.
Thanks.
I'll take good care of them.
Let's go. We have a long drive.
Bye, Auntie.
Bye, Stphane.
"Bye, Stphane."
-I was glad to meet you.
-"I was glad to meet you."
-[PARTY POPPER EXPLODES]
-What're you doing?
ANTONIN: Nothing.
I'm sick of you two.
-I'll see them out.
-Right, scram, man!
Now it's my fault.
Auguste!
[AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING]
Auguste, no!
Auguste, get out!
I told you not to eat animals!
[GROANS IN DISGUST]
[YELLS]
Love ya, Dad! It was great!
-Merry Christmas, Don Juan!
-Yeah, right!
Off you go!
Drive safely!
You finally did it?
-What?
-Christmas.
I can't smoke in my own house!
My daughter and her Aboriginals
nag me.
And those Aboriginals
don't speak a word of French.
I don't get a word.
Nothing, zilch, nada!
Know what they had the nerve
to put on my turkey?
Take a guess.
Cranberry sauce!
Cranberry sauce on a turkey!
How about you? How was it?
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
Nicole...
We dated for 10 months.
Eleven?
Okay. I didn't count.
I didn't know
you were so attached.
You never met anyone
as good as me?
[LAUGHS]
Right...
I like things to shine.
I like things to sparkle.
I found this.
You...
We need to talk.
I loved you so.
What's that?
You here?
What a waste.
[LAUGHS]
Why am I crying?
[SNIFFLES]
I wanna have a nice Christmas.
I felt nothing!
I didn't know who I was kissing.
-I was oblivious!
-Yeah, right.
I'll say it again,
I was unconscious.
Passed out. Out cold!
NEWSREADER ON TV: According
to our weather service,
temperatures have been much
higher, making Christmas 2024...
NATHALIE: It's 11:53 p.m!
You lied to me?
By a tiny half-hour.
You kiss my sister and you lie?
In seven minutes,
it'll be midnight.
What could possibly happen?
Do you realize
how dangerous this is?
Look! Your gift.
Fun Enterprise,
the sex toy giant, asks users
of the Salsa X
to refrain from using it.
The quality of the battery
seems problematic.
It overheats and explodes.
If this occurs while a woman
or a man is using the toy,
serious consequences can ensue,
including cardiac arrest.
It would be an unfortunate end
to Christmas Eve.
I don't know where I put it,
but remind me to throw it away.
Paws off!
[NICOLE MOANS]
[VIBRATOR BUZZING]
[EXHALES]
It's hot...
It's hot!
It's very hot!
It's burning!
It's stuck.
It's stuck!
-[SCREAMS]
-[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
[FAINT SCREAM]
[NICOLE SCREAMS]
ANTONIN:
What was that strange noise?
What?
What's that smell?
-Why the light?
-[SNIFFING]
Can't you smell that?
[BOTH SNIFFING]
You're right.
Something stinks.
Yeah, it smells
a bit like turkey.
It stinks and it's not turkey.
You're right.
It's strange. [SNIFFS]
On the one hand,
it smells like turkey,
and on the other, it smells...
It smells...
I know that smell.
Got it!
Burnt hog.
Exactly!
It stinks of burnt hog.
[SMOKE ALARM BLARING]
CHRISTMAS BALLS
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Finally.
Hello. Are you the family?
NATHALIE: Hello.
Love of mine.
You got here fast,
things should heal quickly.
Kissy kissy.
Why's she like this?
Slight cardiac arrest.
-Nothing serious.
-Listen to the doctor.
Cognitive disorders
are frequent,
memory issues.
How long will this last?
Stop.
A few weeks,
three to four months max.
That long?
I have to kiss her.
-Only one!
-And off you go.
Again.
Redo her bandage every evening.
Before bed.
Again.
Be sure to get inside the...
Yes, we understand.
Yeah, we get it.
All the way up.
We'll make sure.
-Merry Christmas all the same.
-ANTONIN: Thanks, you too.
You, love of mine.
Enough already!
It's not my fault.
NATHALIE: There's no two ways
about it, Christmas
has gone balls up!