Christmas Carole (2022) Movie Script
1
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Merry Christmas
- Merry Christmas
Oh
Ohh
Is this for me?
Ohhh
Merry Christmas!
What a
- load of old crap
If I'd have wanted sickly sweet
sentimental garbage
I'd have got John Lewis to make it
But we thought
Because Christmas is about
kindness and community spirit
Cobblers!
Christmas isn't about spirit
Christmas is about shopping and
stress and over consumption
It's about traffic jams and
family arguments
It's about boring office parties
and hangovers
And most importantly for us
it's about spending money
that you don't have
on useless presents you find online
at 3 o'clock in the morning
for that cousin you secretly hate
That's what Christmas is really about
And that's what we're going to cash in on
So you want something more...
explotative and commercial?
Exactly!
But with a joke at the
end, because you know
t'is the season to be jolly
But Miss Mackay I really think
- Call me Carole
Carole, I really think
what the consumer sort of
- I don't care what you think
I'm Christmas Carole!
My company is called Christmas Carole
and that's why at Christmas Carole
we sell single use Christmas products
wrapping paper, decorations
- Well let's not call it that,
let's call it seasonal homeware
Cheap tat
You see these?
We make these for 20p
and sell them for 6.99
and everyone will get
through at least three
because they are
utter rubbish!
And what do you think will
happen to our profit margins
if people start making this rubbish
for themselves?
Merry Christmas to you too
- Come on Bobbie!
I didn't think the ad was that bad
Oh I liked the old man he was
merry and sweet
Don't you feel sorry for him?
- No! He looked like a boozer
Ahh, no cash!
Have you got a card reader?
Probably why he's on his own
Wife left him
She'd had enough of the endless
cycle of misery and poverty
and got the hell out of there
Hopefully she took the kids with her
Ahh! Can you believe it's snowing?
- I know
But maybe we should the whole reusing,
recycling angle?
I don't know if you've had a chance to
look at my presentation that I gave you but
I've got another copy here
if you wanted to have a look
Bobbie!
Stop being such a misery it's Christmas
Look,
I care about the planet, I do
I watch David Attenborough and Anette...
Gretta Doodah...
It just doesn't fit with the
Christmas Carole business model
And changing the Christmas
Carole business model
is a huge undertaking
It's hardly something I'm going to do
on the day I'm selling the company
- You're selling the company?
Limpopo are buying me out
Limpopo?
The massive American online retailer?
- No, the river in Africa
The deal goes through at midnight tonight
- Wow
I'm giving myself a hundred
million pounds for Christmas
- A hundred million?
Wow
I know!
Carole, Carole, couldn't you at least
- Bobbie, not now
Look, Carole,
What about the rest of the staff?
Who cares!
Oh Bobbie not you, obviously
I need you
to do all the boring stuff
Now there's a livestream event tonight
At the Limpopo building
to announce the deal
Starts at eight,
be there at seven-thirty
Don't be late
What, wait no, Carole I can't
what about
It's Christmas Eve!
Oh no
Hey sis
Going to invite us in?
You know, it's Christmas Eve
we thought we'd come down to London
see the lights and
- Boys! Remember what I said earlier
- Whoa this place looks amazing
- Don't touch anything!
Don't bounce that ball inside
Wow, this place is awesome, innit
There's a pool and gym downstairs
it's got everything
Sam, that fruit's for adults
No decorations
I don't do decorations
Ahh you should try it!
We make our own
I think if I was going to ruin the decor
with a load of gaudy tat Rita
I'd use my own brand
I think ours look great
the kids make 'em
Well
Kids make my decorations too so
- C'mon throw it here
- Mind that ball lads
I said, no football
Well that's a shame
We got you a Christmas
present auntie Carole
The boys made it!
It's recycled wool
Who wants to watch my new TV?
Ah cool!
So look, the real reason we ahh
came by was to errm
to ask if you wanted to come to
ours for Christmas dinner tomorrow
I'm busy
I know Christmas is always
going to be difficult for us
Well not for me!
I made a lot of money out of it
But it's time to see your family
Well I've seen you now and
Our mother's dead so...
And what about our father?
I don't have a father
You mean Leon?
It's been more than twenty years,
I thought it might be time to move on
Well you thought wrong
Besides I don't think I could face
Rita's plant-based roast turkey
Plant-based food will save the planet!
- But it tastes like crap
And nobody likes your
vegan mince pies either
I like 'em!
He doesn't
Anyway,
I expect you'll be wanting to get back
That road will be getting busy
The one that leads to
Wherever it is you live
Doesn't Christmas mean
anything to you?
Oh Rita,
Christmas is a lie!
It's a lie!
Made up by German royals
and American corporations
and Charles bloody Dickens
- And if people are stupid enough to think
that putting up a dead tree
and buying overpriced rubbish
made in Chinese sweatshops
by a bunch of eight year olds is enough to help
them summon up a few days of Christmas spirit
Then I will happily take their money
Please Carole just...
come home
it's important
- Come on kids, come on
we're going
Aww, I was watching that
- Come on, let's go, now
What time's our train?
Why you taking us out?
- She really have this place to herself?
Oh, here
Here's your present
There's a message in there for ya
No there isn't
Call Bobbie
Calling Bobbie
Hello?
Oh Bobbie,
Oh,
Are you on your way?
I need you to pick up some more of my pills
Hi Carole, sort of
not exactly
Well what does that mean?
Well, I know you wanted me
at the livestream thing tonight
Stop stop
I know what you're going to say
You want to be with your kids
I do, I do
It's Christmas
so want them all at home
I understand
Thank you, thank you Carole
And the answer's no
Please Carole
You don't need me there
Look, you'll be fine,
you can do this
No Bobbie, the kids will be fine
Kids are tough
You know I value loyalty
above everything else
I can't Carole
I'm sorry I
I can't
So am I
You're fired
- What?
I said you're fired
- You can't be serious
Oh I am
You're right, I don't need you
I'm about to get a hundred million quid
I don't need anybody
Why's the money so important to you?
You've got millions
Because life's a competition Bobbie
Whoever has the most money at the end, wins
There is nothing else
- Please Carole,
it's Christmas Eve!
- Please Carole, I though we were
Hello?
Anyone there?
Hello?
Ahh!
Hiya!
Mama...
Hiya sweetheart!
But
Are you?
Still dead?
Yeah babe, very much so
Now, I've come back to tell
you something very important
Ooh!
Ooh
You don't look dead
Thank you
If you remember I did have
quite a bit of work done
All guaranteed non biodegradable
Haha, oops!
Oh my god!
Ahh!
Listen to me sweetheart,
we don't have much time
After tonight you will never see me again,
ever
This is the last chance
I've got to explain things
To tell you about the mistakes I made
I don't understand
IT IS REQUIRED OF EVERY MAN
THAT THE SPIRIT WITHIN HIM SHOULD
WALK ABROAD AMONG HIS FELLOW MEN
What?
AND IF THAT SPIRIT GOES NOT FORTH IN LIFE
IT IS CONDEMNED TO DO SO AFTER DEATH
Why are you talking like that?
I've absolutely no idea,
it just feels appropriate for some reason
I know what's going on
Your late husband was Philip Marley
So you're Jackie Marley,
Marley as in the other Marley
Bob?
No
Jacob
A Christmas Carol
the book
The stupid book that Ade gave me
Jacob Marley tells Scrooge
to be a nicer person
and to buy a Turkey for... Tiny Tim
who was in a wheelchair or something
Hmm, is that it?
Nutty family
I'm hallucinating I'm dehydrated
Listen to me you silly cow
This is your last chance to change
Just stop obsessing about
money all the time
Coming from you?
Okay
So I married a couple of
rich fellers after your father
But that's what I want to talk to you about
It doesn't matter how you got it
You had it
and that's what counts
What was it you used to say
Whoever has the most at the end,
is the winner
Well maybe I was wrong about that
It's not all I was wrong about
Where you going?
It's fine, I know the story
I'll be visited by three ghosts
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I won't be visited by three ghosts?
Well yes,
but there's more to it than that
Christmas past, Christmas present,
Christmas yet to come
Urgh!
Stop doing that!
Caroline Mackay,
you will do as you're told
Tonight you will receive three visitations
Carole, wait
You will listen to me
I'M YOUR MOTHER
Urgh!
Bobbie, are you there
Where the hell is my car?
And why aren't you picking up?
What am I supposed to do now Bobbie?
I really need this cab
So do I
No look,
Oh I get it, you're in a wheelchair
and whatever you're
I've got a lot of mental stuff
To do with the stress of
me selling my company
and I've had a really bad reaction to my
pills, so you know in a way
I'm disabled too
Pre-booked
Sorry
So what am I supposed to do?
Get the tube!
You've got to be joking
Read the room!
Merry Christmas!
'Scuse me young sir, we're looking
for the one they call Christmas Carole
That's me
Told you were, he thought
you were Des O'Connor
You're actually Eric Morecambe
Oh yes
And he's Ernie Wise
Delighted to meet you, Miss Christmas
But you're both dead
She's quick, I'll give her that
What's happening to me?
She hasn't got it yet has she?
No
I don't think she has
We're the ghosts of Christmas past sadly
Am I asleep?
Good evening ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the show
Hey, she's much nicer than I
thought she'd be
Means nothing to her,
means absolutely nothing
I said the same thing when I first met you
and look how that turned out
I'm only joking!
He's a smashing little feller
aren't you eh?
He's a smashing little feller
His wig moved then did you see that?
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen we shall
be performing a very special play,
What I myself wrote,
with my very own pen
Oh he's a great writer is Ern,
he does all his own post cards
It's an adaptation of the Dickens classic,
A Christmas Carol
Entitled, A Christmas Carol
I shall be playing the
part of Ebeneerer Dickens,
the famous writer and skinflint
You'll be good at that!
It's exciting this is, I'm excited,
are you excited?
It's Christmas
You'll be playing the part of Tiny Tim,
the little orphan boy who asks for more
But first
Ladies and gentlemen,
we shall be performing for you this evening
a very special
- hold it, hold it, hold it sunshine
Whom am I playing?
You're not in it
Not in it?
- No
There's no part for you
Did you know about this?
Well maybe I'm dead
I know how you feel!
How could you not write a part for me?
I'm your best friend!
I'm your only friend
Sorry
I see
I'll just go then shall I?
Eric, stop!
I'm only kidding!
- Eh?
I'm only kidding of course
there's a part for you!
You had me fooled there!
He's wearing his best one you know
arrived this morning,
all the way from Axminster
On it's own
I used to watch you both on TV,
every Christmas without fail,
even the repeats!
Until I didn't
Oh?
I see
And we're here to revisit
those Christmasses
You said that without moving your lips
Did you see that?
Wait, what Christmasses?
You're doing it now!
The televising frightening thing for me is
in addition
fairly windy
you pick on someone in the audience,
make a fun remark about them
everybody laughs,
they're on your side
That's me!
Behold,
these are but shadows of the things that
have been, they have no conciousness of us
They can't see you
- Fine
Go then!
Do what you like,
I really don't care
He's not going to sell much ice cream
going at that speed is he?
Bye bye Ade
Mummy's leaving now
Where you going?
I'm going on a bit of a holiday
To Wales?
Not that kind of holiday sweetheart
Mummy loves you very much,
you know that don't you?
Say something to her
Say something to her!
TV's gone off again
That's cos it's cheap and rented,
like everything else in this house
It's just the meter
We need another 50p,
come and help me look
That's Leon
Always scrabbling around for the next 50p
I think I've just found one
Wha-ha-hey!
Can I come with you?
No sweetheart
Why not?
Ask yer Dad!
There may be trouble ahead
But while there's moonlight
And music
And love and romance
Let's face the music and dance
You were meant for me
Stay in the light don't stray
I was meant for you
Nature fashioned you
and when she was done
You're all the sweet
things rolled into one
Okay
Plaintive melody
Plaintive melody
I just want to know
why all this is happening?
Hello?
Don't you get it?
This is how you escape that
Only you know, with what's her name
and the other feller
Eh?
You're adorable
B You're so beautiful
C
You're a cutie full of charm
A You're adorable
B You're so beautiful
F
You're a feather in my eye
I just want to know what all this
has got to do with me selling my company
The alphabet with you
But what are we going to do about him
Get that will yer Carole?
Ho ho ho!
Merry Christmas you muppet
Merry Christmas you wazzag
No need to get us a drink
Yeah we can help ourselves
Ooh and not forgetting
Our contribution to the buffet
Mi casa, you casa
Good lad
Hey, brought you 50p for the meter as well
Brilliant
50p!
Ey come through, we're going to charades
Hi kidder!
They all felt sorry for me
Hate people feeling sorry for me
Get the phone will yer Carole
Everyone's here like always
Auntie Cass came from Wallasey
With Askew
Where are you Mum?
She's in Malaga, with Dave
Lucky Dave
Wish I could be there with you
Okay
I understand, bye Mum
- Carole?
We've offered your Dad a job down in London
with us doing some plastering
and he could make loads of money
What do you think?
Nah you're alright
Sounds too much like hard work
Lazy git
Cheers
Cheers
- Dad!
- Tell em Morecambe and Wise
are on the telly!
Bring me sunshine
All the while
Come on,
You love Morecambe and Wise don't yer?
Well come on, after you
Why, if it isn't little Tiny Tim
from the oldy Victorian times
Please Sir, can I have some more
I think you're getting Tiny Tim
mixed up with Oliver Twist
Ssh, you'll hurt his feelings,
he's a sensitive little soul
What are these?
Bongos
Just watch it, that's all
What are these?
They are bongos!
Well does he know you've got them?
Does he know you've got them,
eh, this is gold dust this is
It's your line
I don't understand what all
this is supposed to show me
My mother left, my father was a loser,
I knew all that already
That's not it
Being poor was rubbish,
I knew that too
You don't need to speak to
me about poverty sunshine
We used to work at the BBC!
Being poor drove my Mum away
Being poor was my whole childhood
That's not it either
You may have been poor,
but were you happy?
How could I have been happy
when we were so poor?
The real question is,
how can you be unhappy when you're so rich?
- Cold
- Ice
- Christmas?
- Snowman?
- Sing
- Song
- Singing in the rain
Waah, waah
Ice, ice, baby
Frozen
Baby, it's cold outside
It's obvious
Awwwwww
Has anyone got 50p for the meter?
Thanks
Unbelievable!
Baby, cold
Hey!
This is when I left home,
started my own business
Mail order stocking fillers
Erns got two of those,
they're short fat and hairy!
I'm going down to London
I've got friends there
- What do you mean "friends"?
Carole!
Carole!
Can they afford to put you up can they?
Can you?
What do you think I've been
doing all these years?
Fishing with his mates and
watching telly mostly!
I fed yer, I clothed yer
You've never wanted for anything
Ha!
- Ha!
We had holidays
One week in Anglesey
Every single year!
I thought you liked Anglesey
I hated it
I hate this house
I hate this life
I could have been with Mum in a
massive house in Spain with a pool
But you had to keep us here with you,
just to spite her
Because you couldn't bear to see her win
I did my best
Maybe your best isn't enough
It weren't enough for Mum
Fine
Do what you like Carole,
I don't really care
What's going on?
She's leaving son
Carole?
Bye Ade
Ladies and gentlemen that's the end of our
show, I'd like to thank our very special guest
- Miss Carole Christmas!
Have you had a nice time?
- Not really!
She doesn't look happy Ern
She must have seen her fee!
We thought you'd like seeing
your Christmasses past!
You showed me all the wrong Christmasses!
We showed you all the right Christmasses
But not necessarily,
in the right order
I'll give you that sunshine,
I'll give you that
Ooh, we're off now,
you have to go that way
Where will you go?
To join all the other ghosts
of light entertainment
You don't mean, ITV?
They usually open by themselves
What day is it?
It's Christmas Eve!
In 2022?
Yeah
- Hey there she is, the genius
Miss Christmas Carole herself, the O.G.
Hashtag original girl boss
Asok Kumar
Barry Sage, can I just say everyone at Limpopo
is so psyched by this new deal right now
We're super excited
You must be stoked for it too
You look pumped man,
are you pumped huh?
Actually I've got a bit of a headache
You want some Xanax?
Can we get Carole some Xanax over here?
Oh no no, I'm fine
Hey look, if it's about the
livestream don't worry
It's a walk in the park
We'll lead, tell everyone how excited we are,
give them the data, KPis, EBITDA all that jazz
Then we bring you up and you do your thing
Right
Aah, do you know what you're gonna say?
I was going to talk about
How I came up with the idea for the company
Brilliant
- We love that
But here's something our legal and
media teams have just thrown together
It's pretty much what you said
With specific focus on
rebranding and sustainability
Yeah, sustainability is important,
so number one priority
Number one BS priority
Our customers just want to know they're
doing the right thing by the planet
so we tell them "Sure, why not"
Yeah, you're buying millions of tonnes of non-degradable
plastic and packaging from us every year,
of course you're saving the planet dillweed
By the way can I tell you,
we loved your Christmas antlers
Helped the business model right there,
30 cents to produce then we sell for $10
And everyone has to make multiple purchases because the
damned things disintegrate faster than my last marriage
What about my employees?
Oh well errm
Of course, those guys are
going to lose their jobs
All of them?
We're innovators Carole
Every successful innovation leaves some
people behind, that's just how it is
The rules are the same for everybody Carole
If you're not making the millions, it's because you're too
dumb or too lazy to take the opportunities presented to you
Am I right?
Oh I almost forgot, this was couriered to
my assistant from someone called Bobbie?
Oh thank god
Thank you
Thank you
Ohh Bobbie
Excuse me
I just thought
Is she ok?
Hello?
I'd give it 5 minutes if I were you
Joking
I was just cleaning it
Actually I wasn't even cleaning it
I was just waiting for you
Wait aren't you
Yes I am!
Yes and I have done a bit of acting
So this is a piece of cake
Little clue for you there
Cake!
You a bit nervous about meeting
a supernatural being?
A supernatural...
So you're the
Mmm, mmm, Spirit of Christmas
Ghost of Christmas present,
whatever
Not Christmas presents,
or in your case
Christmas things that
go straight in the bin
That was another joke
No but you're not
Morecombe and Wise are dead in real life
Believe you me,
I have died many, many times
On my arse
Yes, thank you
Alright, are you ready
for your next journey?
I was actually about to
do a big presentation
It wasn't really a question
Right
Take my hand,
and you will be magically transported
You said magically transported!
What are we doing on these things?
Fun aren't they!
And great for the planet
I thought we'd be flying or something
Oh just look at the snow man
Christmas spirit, brilliant isn't it
I could have nearly killed you
- Oh I know you could have killed me
What's wrong with yer?
Doesn't work on everyone
Where are you taking me?
Everyone ready?
Pani puri!
Children? Pani puri
Everyone
Where is the chat?
I'll get it
Having a tough time of it are we?
You stay relaxed yeah?
Behold!
You should know that these are but shadows
They can't see us, I get it
Rude!
Tell your uncle to help
Help uncle!
I refuse to participate in a festival that has nothing
to do with our proud Sikh culture or identity
Who are these people anyway?
Oh, I see
Hey family
Ah Beti!
Mum!
Hi mummy!
So she gave you the night off then?
Ah, not exactly
She fired me
What?
Who does that on Christmas Eve?
It's fine
- Some friend she turned out to be
after all the stuff you done for her
You can't afford to get fired beta!
How are you going to pay the bills?
How are we going to pay for all of this?
She was going to get fired
anyway when Limpopo take over
Honestly Mum we'll be fine
Anyway it means we can all
spend Christmas together hey?
Right, now who wants chocolate and a movie?
Me
- Me
Can we watch The Grinch?
I was watching Game of Thrones!
Jas it's Christmas
He's sulking
We're Sikhs, we don't
even believe in Christmas
He's a bit bah humbug isn't he?
Right, mummy needs a glass
of Christmas spirit
So, starting to get the picture?
Sssh!
Meena, Tiny, go and put
your peejays on first
Yes mummy
He's called Tiny, Tiny
Singh as in Tiny Tim?
Yes, but
He's sick isn't he?
No, don't think so
Some kind of unseen
condition, something genetic?
Oh my god, he's going to die,
they can't afford to pay for his treatment
No
I suppose that's my fault is it?
Is it?
No I can't deal with this
Look, I keep telling you there's
nothing wrong with him
You're missing the whole point
Oh for god's sake
- It's a wonderful life!
- Yes! Rita!
Oh no
Knew I could rely on
you, I knew you'd get it
No I said four, you're not listening
Welcome to another recycled Christmas
- A movie
- Film
- One word
I love charades, don't you?
Err no
It's literally the only game
anyone plays at Christmas
That's why I like it
- Gremlins
Frozen!
Goonies!
Is it the whole thing?
- Frozen
The unbearable likeness of being!
What?
- What?
One word
- Frozen
Will you stop saying Frozen?
- Frozen Two!
Frozen Three!
- Dork!
- Ear, ear library
Ear library?
Is it an audio book?
Harry Potter
Oh for pete's sake it's Elf!
Elf!
What?
Movie, one word, sounds like shelf.
Elf!
Elf!
Thank you
- Well done Sally, you're like your aunty
Carole, she was always good at charades
Yeah but she never comes over at Christmas
I mean does she even love us?
Your aunty Carole doesn't
believe in Christmas
Only thing she loves is money
Oh she's right posh now she's got money
- Selling piles and piles of plastic tat
Pound shop Cruella de Vil
Course she loves us Sammy,
she's just, she's
very unhappy and that gets in the way
Come and join the party Dad
Yeah, in a bit
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Did you err, see our Carole?
Yeah
How was she?
Err fine
- Good, yeah you know
No thanks to you
I can imagine
Ok, time to go
Not yet
Please can we just go
No, you need to hear what he's about to say
Give it to me
It's Christmas Eve, right?
In 2022?
I'd give that five minutes
Are you enjoying it, are you enjoying this?
You don't need that
or that
You certainly don't need that
Don't you understand, you don't need it,
none of us do
It's all a load of crap,
it's all a load of crap!
Hi
Are you the ghost of Christmas yet to come?
I think I know what it is
you've been trying to tell me
Not a ghost
I'll just
No, you don't understand
Ooh, come on, come on
- Stop, hey
- Come back
Go go go!
Go!
- Drive, now!
Never seen a driverless car before?
Relax, they're not going
to be bothering you
What the?
Good innit?
Time has stood still, only
you and I can move forwards
Forwards, into the future
Oh so you're the
That's right,
I'm the ghost of Christmas yet to come
See you've had your
ghosts of Christmas past
and they were very much
from the actual past
Right
Then you had your ghost of Christmas
present, that's your household name now
Yes
See I'm like the next generation of star,
someone on upward ascent
Maybe get my own show, my own standup
special, maybe host some Baftas
What I'm saying is, I'm a
national treasure, of the future
Yes, yes I get it, it's just it's fine,
you don't have to do your bit
What do you mean?
I've already had my epihany
You know, the bit where I realise where
I've gone wrong, what I need to change
Well done by the way, it was the
reindeer antlers that finally did it
Look I had nothing, for so long
So I thought money was the answer, so
I wanted more and more,
so I sold more and more
Getting people to bury their unhappiness
under a mountain of throwaway tat
So I built this empire of continuous
consumption and it just isn't sustainable
Nah it's not that
You're going to have to dig a little deeper
- The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want
- He maketh me to lie
down in green pastures
- He leadeth me beside the still waters
- He restoreth my soul
- He leadeth me in the paths of
righteousness for his name's sake
It's a funeral
- Yea, though I walk through the
valley of the shadow of death
Who's funeral?
Can you not just tell me?
Oh my god, it's Tiny Singh
It is isn't it, it's Tiny Singh's funeral
It's not Tiny Singh!
No he's had that condition
and everything with his leg
He wasn't ill!
How many times!
Yes but
Just go over there and look
- Thou preparest a table before me
in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my head with oil
- My cup runneth over
- Surely goodness and mercy shall
follow me all the days of my life
No Carole?
No
That's a shame
You coming back to the house though?
Course, give him a proper sendoff
Yeah
Please
- Right come on lad,
we'll see you back at the house later
- Thanks for coming
- Means a lot
- Gonna miss him
Time to go?
Not yet,
there's something else you need to hear
You coming?
No I'll wait in the car, but don't take too
long, you need to be back here in ten minutes
Why?
If you don't leave here with me,
you'll get stuck in this reality foever
You will never be able to go back
Can we have a look at
granddad's old fishing stuff?
- Finders keepers!
- It's a great sendoff
- Beautiful sendoff
- He'd have loved it
- He would that
Cheers pal
Cheers pal
- All the best mate
You know,
he always used to say he
only ever loved two women
And they both left him
What?
Biggest regret of his life he said
But..
Yeah
Bloody hell
What we going to do with all this stuff?
- Hey Ade
He was ever so proud of her
Always going on about how well she was
doing, our Carole this, our Carole that
I don't think he ever got over her leaving
Y'know, you and Carole meant
everything to him you know
He could have come down to London with us when
we were doing up houses for yuppies in the city
This were back in the eighties
Plasterers could make
loads of money back then
But, he wanted to be here for you both
Said you needed security
That's why he was always so skint
And you thought it was cos he
was a lazy bugger didn't you
No
Yeah!
Carole was just so angry,
I wish she could have forgiven him
For what?
For not letting Mum take us with her when
she left, for making us stay here with him
She thought he did it out of spite but
Didn't he tell you?
Tell us what?
- Tell us what?
She never contested custody
What?
- What?
Why didn't he tell us that?
He didn't want you
thinking badly of yer mam
See yer back then
- Put that down
- Or what?
- What are you going to do Leon?
- I just don't know what you want Jackie
- Oh I don't know,
I don't know what I want
- But this can't be it, get married,
have kids, the end!
I'm nearly thirty!
I've lived here my whole life!
Look at me!
I'm not going to look like this forever
I've got to get out while I still can
I want more Leon
More than this house, this town, this life
I like this life
Well it's not good enough for me
I'm leaving
I'm taking the car but
you can keep the rest
The rest?
What, you mean Carole and Ade?
Eh? God!
Who's gonna look after them?
I don't know Leon, you?
You're their Mother!
Yeah you're their Father,
why did it have to be me?
You'll do a better job of it anyway
What am I supposed to tell 'em?
I don't know, tell them I've run off
with the milkman, whatever you want
Don't do this
- Get out of my way Leon
- Please
- Please don't, I'm begging you
- Don't go Jackie, I love you
Sorry
Fine
- Go then, do what you like,
I really don't care
Mum?
- Where you going?
I'm going on a bit of a holiday
To Wales?
Not that kind of holiday sweetheart
Can I come with you?
No sweetheart
- Why not?
- Ask yer Dad!
He was always afraid that if you knew what
had really happened you'd have hated her
He couldn't bear that
He thought better if you hated him
Just stop saying that, you
don't know anything about it
Carole always blamed him
for Mum walking out
Ade
Well you can say what you like about Leon,
he could always keep a secret
Even to the end
- I think we all knew that that Christmas
was going to be his last
He sent us down to London to try and get
Carole to come up for Christmas dinner
She never even knew he was dying
What took you so long?
So how you feeling anyway?
Great, I mean if
If I didn't know I wouldn't know,
if you know what I mean
- Yeah
I don't think she's coming Dad
Why didn't you let me tell her?
I didn't want her to feel sorry for me
- Yeah
- Not to worry, eh,
there'll be other Christmasses
Yeah
Come on
Let's play some more charades
Ok I understand,
I understand it all
It's too late
No, what do you mean it's too late?
Carole? You made it
You can see me?
Of course I can, I'm not that far gone!
Look who's here!
- Carole love, give us a cuddle
No, no, no, no
- So sorry about your Did
I've gotta go
I've gotta go
- Carole!
- Great to see you Carole
Wait!
Wait!
Wait!
You can't leave me here!
I have to get back
Waaahh!
Help!
Help, help!
- Look at this garbage everywhere
'Tis the season to avoid the
recycling bins apparently
Hello my darling
Happy Christmas to you
You look very nice, I like that jacket
I don't think the chicken
wrappers are working for you
Are you ok my darling?
What day is it?
Ha! It's Christmas Eve
In?
Two thousand and twenty two
I made it back!
But I'm gonna be late
- Good luck my darling
Thank you!
And now without further ado,
may I introduce you to the woman we're
about to make very rich indeed,
Yes, it's Christmas Carole herself,
Carole Mackay!
Carole Mackay!
Thank you to Barry and Asok,
for whatever it is you've just said
And thank you to all of you,
for coming tonight,
you could be at home
It's Christmas Eve!
But you're not, you're here
and you'll believe
- Awww, what's this rubbish?
- We're watching that!
That woman's fired you,
why are you so interested in her?
Just want to see if she's ok
- and that something, is money!
Money!
If there is no money, no-one buys our stuff
If no-one buys our stuff, well,
there is no Christmas,
am I right?
Well no, I'm not
Right, actually,
So I want to take this opportunity to
explain why I'm
pulling out of the deal
I'm not selling Christmas Carole
I'm, rebranding the company
We'll stop making tonnes
of tacky Christmas tat
We're gonna make reusable packaging instead
It turns out that Christmas is still
Christmas even without
half a million pairs of
plastic reindeer antlers
I'm also, ordering a share issue
available to employees
of the company only, at
a price of 50p per share
in memory of my Dad's electricity meter
And, finally,
I'd like to
announce the appointment of the
company's new joint CEO
Bobbie Singh-Cratchett
Hi Bobbie!
- I know you'll be watching,
even though I fired you
I won't take up too much of your time because I
know Jas will be wanting to watch Game of Thrones
How did she?
Well I'll just say I'm sorry
For all the times that I didn't listen
For all the times that I didn't care
For all the times that I made you do
something that I could have done myself
You've been a good friend to me
I hope that from now on I
can be a good friend to you
You are my friend
Sorry
Well that's it, thank you
What the hell was that?
So you're not selling the company?
He's quick, I'll give him that
Merry Christmas little feller
Merry Christmas Miss Carole
Merry Christmas Charlie
Merry Christmas
- Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas Dad
Come in, come in
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Merry Christmas
- Merry Christmas
Oh
Ohh
Is this for me?
Ohhh
Merry Christmas!
What a
- load of old crap
If I'd have wanted sickly sweet
sentimental garbage
I'd have got John Lewis to make it
But we thought
Because Christmas is about
kindness and community spirit
Cobblers!
Christmas isn't about spirit
Christmas is about shopping and
stress and over consumption
It's about traffic jams and
family arguments
It's about boring office parties
and hangovers
And most importantly for us
it's about spending money
that you don't have
on useless presents you find online
at 3 o'clock in the morning
for that cousin you secretly hate
That's what Christmas is really about
And that's what we're going to cash in on
So you want something more...
explotative and commercial?
Exactly!
But with a joke at the
end, because you know
t'is the season to be jolly
But Miss Mackay I really think
- Call me Carole
Carole, I really think
what the consumer sort of
- I don't care what you think
I'm Christmas Carole!
My company is called Christmas Carole
and that's why at Christmas Carole
we sell single use Christmas products
wrapping paper, decorations
- Well let's not call it that,
let's call it seasonal homeware
Cheap tat
You see these?
We make these for 20p
and sell them for 6.99
and everyone will get
through at least three
because they are
utter rubbish!
And what do you think will
happen to our profit margins
if people start making this rubbish
for themselves?
Merry Christmas to you too
- Come on Bobbie!
I didn't think the ad was that bad
Oh I liked the old man he was
merry and sweet
Don't you feel sorry for him?
- No! He looked like a boozer
Ahh, no cash!
Have you got a card reader?
Probably why he's on his own
Wife left him
She'd had enough of the endless
cycle of misery and poverty
and got the hell out of there
Hopefully she took the kids with her
Ahh! Can you believe it's snowing?
- I know
But maybe we should the whole reusing,
recycling angle?
I don't know if you've had a chance to
look at my presentation that I gave you but
I've got another copy here
if you wanted to have a look
Bobbie!
Stop being such a misery it's Christmas
Look,
I care about the planet, I do
I watch David Attenborough and Anette...
Gretta Doodah...
It just doesn't fit with the
Christmas Carole business model
And changing the Christmas
Carole business model
is a huge undertaking
It's hardly something I'm going to do
on the day I'm selling the company
- You're selling the company?
Limpopo are buying me out
Limpopo?
The massive American online retailer?
- No, the river in Africa
The deal goes through at midnight tonight
- Wow
I'm giving myself a hundred
million pounds for Christmas
- A hundred million?
Wow
I know!
Carole, Carole, couldn't you at least
- Bobbie, not now
Look, Carole,
What about the rest of the staff?
Who cares!
Oh Bobbie not you, obviously
I need you
to do all the boring stuff
Now there's a livestream event tonight
At the Limpopo building
to announce the deal
Starts at eight,
be there at seven-thirty
Don't be late
What, wait no, Carole I can't
what about
It's Christmas Eve!
Oh no
Hey sis
Going to invite us in?
You know, it's Christmas Eve
we thought we'd come down to London
see the lights and
- Boys! Remember what I said earlier
- Whoa this place looks amazing
- Don't touch anything!
Don't bounce that ball inside
Wow, this place is awesome, innit
There's a pool and gym downstairs
it's got everything
Sam, that fruit's for adults
No decorations
I don't do decorations
Ahh you should try it!
We make our own
I think if I was going to ruin the decor
with a load of gaudy tat Rita
I'd use my own brand
I think ours look great
the kids make 'em
Well
Kids make my decorations too so
- C'mon throw it here
- Mind that ball lads
I said, no football
Well that's a shame
We got you a Christmas
present auntie Carole
The boys made it!
It's recycled wool
Who wants to watch my new TV?
Ah cool!
So look, the real reason we ahh
came by was to errm
to ask if you wanted to come to
ours for Christmas dinner tomorrow
I'm busy
I know Christmas is always
going to be difficult for us
Well not for me!
I made a lot of money out of it
But it's time to see your family
Well I've seen you now and
Our mother's dead so...
And what about our father?
I don't have a father
You mean Leon?
It's been more than twenty years,
I thought it might be time to move on
Well you thought wrong
Besides I don't think I could face
Rita's plant-based roast turkey
Plant-based food will save the planet!
- But it tastes like crap
And nobody likes your
vegan mince pies either
I like 'em!
He doesn't
Anyway,
I expect you'll be wanting to get back
That road will be getting busy
The one that leads to
Wherever it is you live
Doesn't Christmas mean
anything to you?
Oh Rita,
Christmas is a lie!
It's a lie!
Made up by German royals
and American corporations
and Charles bloody Dickens
- And if people are stupid enough to think
that putting up a dead tree
and buying overpriced rubbish
made in Chinese sweatshops
by a bunch of eight year olds is enough to help
them summon up a few days of Christmas spirit
Then I will happily take their money
Please Carole just...
come home
it's important
- Come on kids, come on
we're going
Aww, I was watching that
- Come on, let's go, now
What time's our train?
Why you taking us out?
- She really have this place to herself?
Oh, here
Here's your present
There's a message in there for ya
No there isn't
Call Bobbie
Calling Bobbie
Hello?
Oh Bobbie,
Oh,
Are you on your way?
I need you to pick up some more of my pills
Hi Carole, sort of
not exactly
Well what does that mean?
Well, I know you wanted me
at the livestream thing tonight
Stop stop
I know what you're going to say
You want to be with your kids
I do, I do
It's Christmas
so want them all at home
I understand
Thank you, thank you Carole
And the answer's no
Please Carole
You don't need me there
Look, you'll be fine,
you can do this
No Bobbie, the kids will be fine
Kids are tough
You know I value loyalty
above everything else
I can't Carole
I'm sorry I
I can't
So am I
You're fired
- What?
I said you're fired
- You can't be serious
Oh I am
You're right, I don't need you
I'm about to get a hundred million quid
I don't need anybody
Why's the money so important to you?
You've got millions
Because life's a competition Bobbie
Whoever has the most money at the end, wins
There is nothing else
- Please Carole,
it's Christmas Eve!
- Please Carole, I though we were
Hello?
Anyone there?
Hello?
Ahh!
Hiya!
Mama...
Hiya sweetheart!
But
Are you?
Still dead?
Yeah babe, very much so
Now, I've come back to tell
you something very important
Ooh!
Ooh
You don't look dead
Thank you
If you remember I did have
quite a bit of work done
All guaranteed non biodegradable
Haha, oops!
Oh my god!
Ahh!
Listen to me sweetheart,
we don't have much time
After tonight you will never see me again,
ever
This is the last chance
I've got to explain things
To tell you about the mistakes I made
I don't understand
IT IS REQUIRED OF EVERY MAN
THAT THE SPIRIT WITHIN HIM SHOULD
WALK ABROAD AMONG HIS FELLOW MEN
What?
AND IF THAT SPIRIT GOES NOT FORTH IN LIFE
IT IS CONDEMNED TO DO SO AFTER DEATH
Why are you talking like that?
I've absolutely no idea,
it just feels appropriate for some reason
I know what's going on
Your late husband was Philip Marley
So you're Jackie Marley,
Marley as in the other Marley
Bob?
No
Jacob
A Christmas Carol
the book
The stupid book that Ade gave me
Jacob Marley tells Scrooge
to be a nicer person
and to buy a Turkey for... Tiny Tim
who was in a wheelchair or something
Hmm, is that it?
Nutty family
I'm hallucinating I'm dehydrated
Listen to me you silly cow
This is your last chance to change
Just stop obsessing about
money all the time
Coming from you?
Okay
So I married a couple of
rich fellers after your father
But that's what I want to talk to you about
It doesn't matter how you got it
You had it
and that's what counts
What was it you used to say
Whoever has the most at the end,
is the winner
Well maybe I was wrong about that
It's not all I was wrong about
Where you going?
It's fine, I know the story
I'll be visited by three ghosts
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I won't be visited by three ghosts?
Well yes,
but there's more to it than that
Christmas past, Christmas present,
Christmas yet to come
Urgh!
Stop doing that!
Caroline Mackay,
you will do as you're told
Tonight you will receive three visitations
Carole, wait
You will listen to me
I'M YOUR MOTHER
Urgh!
Bobbie, are you there
Where the hell is my car?
And why aren't you picking up?
What am I supposed to do now Bobbie?
I really need this cab
So do I
No look,
Oh I get it, you're in a wheelchair
and whatever you're
I've got a lot of mental stuff
To do with the stress of
me selling my company
and I've had a really bad reaction to my
pills, so you know in a way
I'm disabled too
Pre-booked
Sorry
So what am I supposed to do?
Get the tube!
You've got to be joking
Read the room!
Merry Christmas!
'Scuse me young sir, we're looking
for the one they call Christmas Carole
That's me
Told you were, he thought
you were Des O'Connor
You're actually Eric Morecambe
Oh yes
And he's Ernie Wise
Delighted to meet you, Miss Christmas
But you're both dead
She's quick, I'll give her that
What's happening to me?
She hasn't got it yet has she?
No
I don't think she has
We're the ghosts of Christmas past sadly
Am I asleep?
Good evening ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the show
Hey, she's much nicer than I
thought she'd be
Means nothing to her,
means absolutely nothing
I said the same thing when I first met you
and look how that turned out
I'm only joking!
He's a smashing little feller
aren't you eh?
He's a smashing little feller
His wig moved then did you see that?
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen we shall
be performing a very special play,
What I myself wrote,
with my very own pen
Oh he's a great writer is Ern,
he does all his own post cards
It's an adaptation of the Dickens classic,
A Christmas Carol
Entitled, A Christmas Carol
I shall be playing the
part of Ebeneerer Dickens,
the famous writer and skinflint
You'll be good at that!
It's exciting this is, I'm excited,
are you excited?
It's Christmas
You'll be playing the part of Tiny Tim,
the little orphan boy who asks for more
But first
Ladies and gentlemen,
we shall be performing for you this evening
a very special
- hold it, hold it, hold it sunshine
Whom am I playing?
You're not in it
Not in it?
- No
There's no part for you
Did you know about this?
Well maybe I'm dead
I know how you feel!
How could you not write a part for me?
I'm your best friend!
I'm your only friend
Sorry
I see
I'll just go then shall I?
Eric, stop!
I'm only kidding!
- Eh?
I'm only kidding of course
there's a part for you!
You had me fooled there!
He's wearing his best one you know
arrived this morning,
all the way from Axminster
On it's own
I used to watch you both on TV,
every Christmas without fail,
even the repeats!
Until I didn't
Oh?
I see
And we're here to revisit
those Christmasses
You said that without moving your lips
Did you see that?
Wait, what Christmasses?
You're doing it now!
The televising frightening thing for me is
in addition
fairly windy
you pick on someone in the audience,
make a fun remark about them
everybody laughs,
they're on your side
That's me!
Behold,
these are but shadows of the things that
have been, they have no conciousness of us
They can't see you
- Fine
Go then!
Do what you like,
I really don't care
He's not going to sell much ice cream
going at that speed is he?
Bye bye Ade
Mummy's leaving now
Where you going?
I'm going on a bit of a holiday
To Wales?
Not that kind of holiday sweetheart
Mummy loves you very much,
you know that don't you?
Say something to her
Say something to her!
TV's gone off again
That's cos it's cheap and rented,
like everything else in this house
It's just the meter
We need another 50p,
come and help me look
That's Leon
Always scrabbling around for the next 50p
I think I've just found one
Wha-ha-hey!
Can I come with you?
No sweetheart
Why not?
Ask yer Dad!
There may be trouble ahead
But while there's moonlight
And music
And love and romance
Let's face the music and dance
You were meant for me
Stay in the light don't stray
I was meant for you
Nature fashioned you
and when she was done
You're all the sweet
things rolled into one
Okay
Plaintive melody
Plaintive melody
I just want to know
why all this is happening?
Hello?
Don't you get it?
This is how you escape that
Only you know, with what's her name
and the other feller
Eh?
You're adorable
B You're so beautiful
C
You're a cutie full of charm
A You're adorable
B You're so beautiful
F
You're a feather in my eye
I just want to know what all this
has got to do with me selling my company
The alphabet with you
But what are we going to do about him
Get that will yer Carole?
Ho ho ho!
Merry Christmas you muppet
Merry Christmas you wazzag
No need to get us a drink
Yeah we can help ourselves
Ooh and not forgetting
Our contribution to the buffet
Mi casa, you casa
Good lad
Hey, brought you 50p for the meter as well
Brilliant
50p!
Ey come through, we're going to charades
Hi kidder!
They all felt sorry for me
Hate people feeling sorry for me
Get the phone will yer Carole
Everyone's here like always
Auntie Cass came from Wallasey
With Askew
Where are you Mum?
She's in Malaga, with Dave
Lucky Dave
Wish I could be there with you
Okay
I understand, bye Mum
- Carole?
We've offered your Dad a job down in London
with us doing some plastering
and he could make loads of money
What do you think?
Nah you're alright
Sounds too much like hard work
Lazy git
Cheers
Cheers
- Dad!
- Tell em Morecambe and Wise
are on the telly!
Bring me sunshine
All the while
Come on,
You love Morecambe and Wise don't yer?
Well come on, after you
Why, if it isn't little Tiny Tim
from the oldy Victorian times
Please Sir, can I have some more
I think you're getting Tiny Tim
mixed up with Oliver Twist
Ssh, you'll hurt his feelings,
he's a sensitive little soul
What are these?
Bongos
Just watch it, that's all
What are these?
They are bongos!
Well does he know you've got them?
Does he know you've got them,
eh, this is gold dust this is
It's your line
I don't understand what all
this is supposed to show me
My mother left, my father was a loser,
I knew all that already
That's not it
Being poor was rubbish,
I knew that too
You don't need to speak to
me about poverty sunshine
We used to work at the BBC!
Being poor drove my Mum away
Being poor was my whole childhood
That's not it either
You may have been poor,
but were you happy?
How could I have been happy
when we were so poor?
The real question is,
how can you be unhappy when you're so rich?
- Cold
- Ice
- Christmas?
- Snowman?
- Sing
- Song
- Singing in the rain
Waah, waah
Ice, ice, baby
Frozen
Baby, it's cold outside
It's obvious
Awwwwww
Has anyone got 50p for the meter?
Thanks
Unbelievable!
Baby, cold
Hey!
This is when I left home,
started my own business
Mail order stocking fillers
Erns got two of those,
they're short fat and hairy!
I'm going down to London
I've got friends there
- What do you mean "friends"?
Carole!
Carole!
Can they afford to put you up can they?
Can you?
What do you think I've been
doing all these years?
Fishing with his mates and
watching telly mostly!
I fed yer, I clothed yer
You've never wanted for anything
Ha!
- Ha!
We had holidays
One week in Anglesey
Every single year!
I thought you liked Anglesey
I hated it
I hate this house
I hate this life
I could have been with Mum in a
massive house in Spain with a pool
But you had to keep us here with you,
just to spite her
Because you couldn't bear to see her win
I did my best
Maybe your best isn't enough
It weren't enough for Mum
Fine
Do what you like Carole,
I don't really care
What's going on?
She's leaving son
Carole?
Bye Ade
Ladies and gentlemen that's the end of our
show, I'd like to thank our very special guest
- Miss Carole Christmas!
Have you had a nice time?
- Not really!
She doesn't look happy Ern
She must have seen her fee!
We thought you'd like seeing
your Christmasses past!
You showed me all the wrong Christmasses!
We showed you all the right Christmasses
But not necessarily,
in the right order
I'll give you that sunshine,
I'll give you that
Ooh, we're off now,
you have to go that way
Where will you go?
To join all the other ghosts
of light entertainment
You don't mean, ITV?
They usually open by themselves
What day is it?
It's Christmas Eve!
In 2022?
Yeah
- Hey there she is, the genius
Miss Christmas Carole herself, the O.G.
Hashtag original girl boss
Asok Kumar
Barry Sage, can I just say everyone at Limpopo
is so psyched by this new deal right now
We're super excited
You must be stoked for it too
You look pumped man,
are you pumped huh?
Actually I've got a bit of a headache
You want some Xanax?
Can we get Carole some Xanax over here?
Oh no no, I'm fine
Hey look, if it's about the
livestream don't worry
It's a walk in the park
We'll lead, tell everyone how excited we are,
give them the data, KPis, EBITDA all that jazz
Then we bring you up and you do your thing
Right
Aah, do you know what you're gonna say?
I was going to talk about
How I came up with the idea for the company
Brilliant
- We love that
But here's something our legal and
media teams have just thrown together
It's pretty much what you said
With specific focus on
rebranding and sustainability
Yeah, sustainability is important,
so number one priority
Number one BS priority
Our customers just want to know they're
doing the right thing by the planet
so we tell them "Sure, why not"
Yeah, you're buying millions of tonnes of non-degradable
plastic and packaging from us every year,
of course you're saving the planet dillweed
By the way can I tell you,
we loved your Christmas antlers
Helped the business model right there,
30 cents to produce then we sell for $10
And everyone has to make multiple purchases because the
damned things disintegrate faster than my last marriage
What about my employees?
Oh well errm
Of course, those guys are
going to lose their jobs
All of them?
We're innovators Carole
Every successful innovation leaves some
people behind, that's just how it is
The rules are the same for everybody Carole
If you're not making the millions, it's because you're too
dumb or too lazy to take the opportunities presented to you
Am I right?
Oh I almost forgot, this was couriered to
my assistant from someone called Bobbie?
Oh thank god
Thank you
Thank you
Ohh Bobbie
Excuse me
I just thought
Is she ok?
Hello?
I'd give it 5 minutes if I were you
Joking
I was just cleaning it
Actually I wasn't even cleaning it
I was just waiting for you
Wait aren't you
Yes I am!
Yes and I have done a bit of acting
So this is a piece of cake
Little clue for you there
Cake!
You a bit nervous about meeting
a supernatural being?
A supernatural...
So you're the
Mmm, mmm, Spirit of Christmas
Ghost of Christmas present,
whatever
Not Christmas presents,
or in your case
Christmas things that
go straight in the bin
That was another joke
No but you're not
Morecombe and Wise are dead in real life
Believe you me,
I have died many, many times
On my arse
Yes, thank you
Alright, are you ready
for your next journey?
I was actually about to
do a big presentation
It wasn't really a question
Right
Take my hand,
and you will be magically transported
You said magically transported!
What are we doing on these things?
Fun aren't they!
And great for the planet
I thought we'd be flying or something
Oh just look at the snow man
Christmas spirit, brilliant isn't it
I could have nearly killed you
- Oh I know you could have killed me
What's wrong with yer?
Doesn't work on everyone
Where are you taking me?
Everyone ready?
Pani puri!
Children? Pani puri
Everyone
Where is the chat?
I'll get it
Having a tough time of it are we?
You stay relaxed yeah?
Behold!
You should know that these are but shadows
They can't see us, I get it
Rude!
Tell your uncle to help
Help uncle!
I refuse to participate in a festival that has nothing
to do with our proud Sikh culture or identity
Who are these people anyway?
Oh, I see
Hey family
Ah Beti!
Mum!
Hi mummy!
So she gave you the night off then?
Ah, not exactly
She fired me
What?
Who does that on Christmas Eve?
It's fine
- Some friend she turned out to be
after all the stuff you done for her
You can't afford to get fired beta!
How are you going to pay the bills?
How are we going to pay for all of this?
She was going to get fired
anyway when Limpopo take over
Honestly Mum we'll be fine
Anyway it means we can all
spend Christmas together hey?
Right, now who wants chocolate and a movie?
Me
- Me
Can we watch The Grinch?
I was watching Game of Thrones!
Jas it's Christmas
He's sulking
We're Sikhs, we don't
even believe in Christmas
He's a bit bah humbug isn't he?
Right, mummy needs a glass
of Christmas spirit
So, starting to get the picture?
Sssh!
Meena, Tiny, go and put
your peejays on first
Yes mummy
He's called Tiny, Tiny
Singh as in Tiny Tim?
Yes, but
He's sick isn't he?
No, don't think so
Some kind of unseen
condition, something genetic?
Oh my god, he's going to die,
they can't afford to pay for his treatment
No
I suppose that's my fault is it?
Is it?
No I can't deal with this
Look, I keep telling you there's
nothing wrong with him
You're missing the whole point
Oh for god's sake
- It's a wonderful life!
- Yes! Rita!
Oh no
Knew I could rely on
you, I knew you'd get it
No I said four, you're not listening
Welcome to another recycled Christmas
- A movie
- Film
- One word
I love charades, don't you?
Err no
It's literally the only game
anyone plays at Christmas
That's why I like it
- Gremlins
Frozen!
Goonies!
Is it the whole thing?
- Frozen
The unbearable likeness of being!
What?
- What?
One word
- Frozen
Will you stop saying Frozen?
- Frozen Two!
Frozen Three!
- Dork!
- Ear, ear library
Ear library?
Is it an audio book?
Harry Potter
Oh for pete's sake it's Elf!
Elf!
What?
Movie, one word, sounds like shelf.
Elf!
Elf!
Thank you
- Well done Sally, you're like your aunty
Carole, she was always good at charades
Yeah but she never comes over at Christmas
I mean does she even love us?
Your aunty Carole doesn't
believe in Christmas
Only thing she loves is money
Oh she's right posh now she's got money
- Selling piles and piles of plastic tat
Pound shop Cruella de Vil
Course she loves us Sammy,
she's just, she's
very unhappy and that gets in the way
Come and join the party Dad
Yeah, in a bit
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Did you err, see our Carole?
Yeah
How was she?
Err fine
- Good, yeah you know
No thanks to you
I can imagine
Ok, time to go
Not yet
Please can we just go
No, you need to hear what he's about to say
Give it to me
It's Christmas Eve, right?
In 2022?
I'd give that five minutes
Are you enjoying it, are you enjoying this?
You don't need that
or that
You certainly don't need that
Don't you understand, you don't need it,
none of us do
It's all a load of crap,
it's all a load of crap!
Hi
Are you the ghost of Christmas yet to come?
I think I know what it is
you've been trying to tell me
Not a ghost
I'll just
No, you don't understand
Ooh, come on, come on
- Stop, hey
- Come back
Go go go!
Go!
- Drive, now!
Never seen a driverless car before?
Relax, they're not going
to be bothering you
What the?
Good innit?
Time has stood still, only
you and I can move forwards
Forwards, into the future
Oh so you're the
That's right,
I'm the ghost of Christmas yet to come
See you've had your
ghosts of Christmas past
and they were very much
from the actual past
Right
Then you had your ghost of Christmas
present, that's your household name now
Yes
See I'm like the next generation of star,
someone on upward ascent
Maybe get my own show, my own standup
special, maybe host some Baftas
What I'm saying is, I'm a
national treasure, of the future
Yes, yes I get it, it's just it's fine,
you don't have to do your bit
What do you mean?
I've already had my epihany
You know, the bit where I realise where
I've gone wrong, what I need to change
Well done by the way, it was the
reindeer antlers that finally did it
Look I had nothing, for so long
So I thought money was the answer, so
I wanted more and more,
so I sold more and more
Getting people to bury their unhappiness
under a mountain of throwaway tat
So I built this empire of continuous
consumption and it just isn't sustainable
Nah it's not that
You're going to have to dig a little deeper
- The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want
- He maketh me to lie
down in green pastures
- He leadeth me beside the still waters
- He restoreth my soul
- He leadeth me in the paths of
righteousness for his name's sake
It's a funeral
- Yea, though I walk through the
valley of the shadow of death
Who's funeral?
Can you not just tell me?
Oh my god, it's Tiny Singh
It is isn't it, it's Tiny Singh's funeral
It's not Tiny Singh!
No he's had that condition
and everything with his leg
He wasn't ill!
How many times!
Yes but
Just go over there and look
- Thou preparest a table before me
in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my head with oil
- My cup runneth over
- Surely goodness and mercy shall
follow me all the days of my life
No Carole?
No
That's a shame
You coming back to the house though?
Course, give him a proper sendoff
Yeah
Please
- Right come on lad,
we'll see you back at the house later
- Thanks for coming
- Means a lot
- Gonna miss him
Time to go?
Not yet,
there's something else you need to hear
You coming?
No I'll wait in the car, but don't take too
long, you need to be back here in ten minutes
Why?
If you don't leave here with me,
you'll get stuck in this reality foever
You will never be able to go back
Can we have a look at
granddad's old fishing stuff?
- Finders keepers!
- It's a great sendoff
- Beautiful sendoff
- He'd have loved it
- He would that
Cheers pal
Cheers pal
- All the best mate
You know,
he always used to say he
only ever loved two women
And they both left him
What?
Biggest regret of his life he said
But..
Yeah
Bloody hell
What we going to do with all this stuff?
- Hey Ade
He was ever so proud of her
Always going on about how well she was
doing, our Carole this, our Carole that
I don't think he ever got over her leaving
Y'know, you and Carole meant
everything to him you know
He could have come down to London with us when
we were doing up houses for yuppies in the city
This were back in the eighties
Plasterers could make
loads of money back then
But, he wanted to be here for you both
Said you needed security
That's why he was always so skint
And you thought it was cos he
was a lazy bugger didn't you
No
Yeah!
Carole was just so angry,
I wish she could have forgiven him
For what?
For not letting Mum take us with her when
she left, for making us stay here with him
She thought he did it out of spite but
Didn't he tell you?
Tell us what?
- Tell us what?
She never contested custody
What?
- What?
Why didn't he tell us that?
He didn't want you
thinking badly of yer mam
See yer back then
- Put that down
- Or what?
- What are you going to do Leon?
- I just don't know what you want Jackie
- Oh I don't know,
I don't know what I want
- But this can't be it, get married,
have kids, the end!
I'm nearly thirty!
I've lived here my whole life!
Look at me!
I'm not going to look like this forever
I've got to get out while I still can
I want more Leon
More than this house, this town, this life
I like this life
Well it's not good enough for me
I'm leaving
I'm taking the car but
you can keep the rest
The rest?
What, you mean Carole and Ade?
Eh? God!
Who's gonna look after them?
I don't know Leon, you?
You're their Mother!
Yeah you're their Father,
why did it have to be me?
You'll do a better job of it anyway
What am I supposed to tell 'em?
I don't know, tell them I've run off
with the milkman, whatever you want
Don't do this
- Get out of my way Leon
- Please
- Please don't, I'm begging you
- Don't go Jackie, I love you
Sorry
Fine
- Go then, do what you like,
I really don't care
Mum?
- Where you going?
I'm going on a bit of a holiday
To Wales?
Not that kind of holiday sweetheart
Can I come with you?
No sweetheart
- Why not?
- Ask yer Dad!
He was always afraid that if you knew what
had really happened you'd have hated her
He couldn't bear that
He thought better if you hated him
Just stop saying that, you
don't know anything about it
Carole always blamed him
for Mum walking out
Ade
Well you can say what you like about Leon,
he could always keep a secret
Even to the end
- I think we all knew that that Christmas
was going to be his last
He sent us down to London to try and get
Carole to come up for Christmas dinner
She never even knew he was dying
What took you so long?
So how you feeling anyway?
Great, I mean if
If I didn't know I wouldn't know,
if you know what I mean
- Yeah
I don't think she's coming Dad
Why didn't you let me tell her?
I didn't want her to feel sorry for me
- Yeah
- Not to worry, eh,
there'll be other Christmasses
Yeah
Come on
Let's play some more charades
Ok I understand,
I understand it all
It's too late
No, what do you mean it's too late?
Carole? You made it
You can see me?
Of course I can, I'm not that far gone!
Look who's here!
- Carole love, give us a cuddle
No, no, no, no
- So sorry about your Did
I've gotta go
I've gotta go
- Carole!
- Great to see you Carole
Wait!
Wait!
Wait!
You can't leave me here!
I have to get back
Waaahh!
Help!
Help, help!
- Look at this garbage everywhere
'Tis the season to avoid the
recycling bins apparently
Hello my darling
Happy Christmas to you
You look very nice, I like that jacket
I don't think the chicken
wrappers are working for you
Are you ok my darling?
What day is it?
Ha! It's Christmas Eve
In?
Two thousand and twenty two
I made it back!
But I'm gonna be late
- Good luck my darling
Thank you!
And now without further ado,
may I introduce you to the woman we're
about to make very rich indeed,
Yes, it's Christmas Carole herself,
Carole Mackay!
Carole Mackay!
Thank you to Barry and Asok,
for whatever it is you've just said
And thank you to all of you,
for coming tonight,
you could be at home
It's Christmas Eve!
But you're not, you're here
and you'll believe
- Awww, what's this rubbish?
- We're watching that!
That woman's fired you,
why are you so interested in her?
Just want to see if she's ok
- and that something, is money!
Money!
If there is no money, no-one buys our stuff
If no-one buys our stuff, well,
there is no Christmas,
am I right?
Well no, I'm not
Right, actually,
So I want to take this opportunity to
explain why I'm
pulling out of the deal
I'm not selling Christmas Carole
I'm, rebranding the company
We'll stop making tonnes
of tacky Christmas tat
We're gonna make reusable packaging instead
It turns out that Christmas is still
Christmas even without
half a million pairs of
plastic reindeer antlers
I'm also, ordering a share issue
available to employees
of the company only, at
a price of 50p per share
in memory of my Dad's electricity meter
And, finally,
I'd like to
announce the appointment of the
company's new joint CEO
Bobbie Singh-Cratchett
Hi Bobbie!
- I know you'll be watching,
even though I fired you
I won't take up too much of your time because I
know Jas will be wanting to watch Game of Thrones
How did she?
Well I'll just say I'm sorry
For all the times that I didn't listen
For all the times that I didn't care
For all the times that I made you do
something that I could have done myself
You've been a good friend to me
I hope that from now on I
can be a good friend to you
You are my friend
Sorry
Well that's it, thank you
What the hell was that?
So you're not selling the company?
He's quick, I'll give him that
Merry Christmas little feller
Merry Christmas Miss Carole
Merry Christmas Charlie
Merry Christmas
- Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas Dad
Come in, come in
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