Christmas vs. The Walters (2021) Movie Script

[Christmas music playing]
[Diane] Oh, the joy of the holidays.
And by joy, of course, I mean,
that soul-crushing mixture of anxiety
and depression that we shoved
down under our happy faces.
Oh, God, Shelly, we just
got past Thanksgiving.
I'm not ready.
As mothers, we're supposed to
pull it all together and make it perfect.
Not because we like it,
but because we know we're the
only ones that can get the job done.
And let's be clear, there is no
greater challenge than Christmas.
-Hey!
-Hey!
-Hi, Diane!
-Hi, Shelly!
Huh? Where are you headed to?
Shopping! Got some decorations to buy.
Oh, Jeez! Good luck with that.
You know, I bought all of these
decorations, like, months ago.
-Crazy sales.
-Cool!
[laughs] Yeah, got a whole new theme going
this year. Gonna invite the neighborhood.
-You're gonna be there, right?
-Couldn't miss it if I wanted to.
[laughing] You're funny!
You know, I'm really... I'm really excited
to see what you're putting up this year.
Yeah. Be excited.
My eyes on you.
Oh, I'll make sure you
have a front row seat, Shelly.
[laughs] I will be there.
I'll be there. I'll be looking.
-All right.
-Okay. See ya.
I'll see you there.
[Christmas music playing]
Ooh.
Don't panic! I got this!
It's not my first rodeo,
my third, actually.
I have the two at home.
There's Abby. She's 15, going on 21.
- dressed like this.
-The girls at school dress way worse than this.
-Oh, I don't care.
-You don't. Go change.
-So protective!
-Yes! Go change!
-Whatever!
-I love you. Take the makeup down a notch.
My youngest, Dougie.
- Mommy?
- [Diane] Oh, he's pure joy,
-when he's dry.
-I wet the bed again.
[Diane] You know, but don't let the
constant urinating distract you, I don't.
After all, I mean, my bets are on him to be
the one who change my diapers when I'm old.
Ah, the cycle of life.
My husband, Brian, 15 years
of marriage, still my best bud.
But while he's at work, I get stuff done.
[upbeat music playing]
For example, when it comes to Christmas,
even the simplest of tasks,
he's absolutely useless.
[Brian] You try it.
[Diane] Oh, I think she's going for it.
That candy cane is mine!
Yes!
[Diane] Wait, ugh, I almost forgot. Mom.
[Jane gags] -[Diane] The kids
call her Nana. I call her Jane.
Lost my bridge, I need some tape, some glue,
some cotton, and then I'm just good to go.
[Diane] She was an Army nurse for years.
She's a woman of many strengths.
-Brian, we need to go.
-I love this. This is absolutely beautiful.
Oh, lovely. Hope it fits me.
[Diane] Letting her guard
down isn't one of them.
Hey, candy cane lady!
Is it really Christmas without
oversized candy canes?
[Sydney] Hold on. Hold on.
-That's the one you want?
-Oh, you don't have to do that.
Well, that's... Oh, maybe
I shouldn't let you get it.
-Thanks.
-That's some bird there.
-[Diane] Yeah.
-You know how to pick 'em.
-Well, you know, I always get it early.
-[Sydney] Ah, great.
-Early bird special.
-Well, Merry Christmas!
[Diane] Slow your role,
buddy. No need to rush it.
Yeah, Merry Christmas!
Still got 119 hours to go. Lots of time.
Merry Christmas!
[Diane] And while I'm trying to
for this magical holiday season,
my partner in crime burns the midnight oil.
I know his work is all-consuming,
but we both know he hides behind it.
I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake.
Sorry.
[Diane] And there's my sister Kate.
She loves her life way too much.
Cut! That's a wrap.
We'll be back here same time tomorrow.
So, still headed to DR for the holidays?
Bags are packed, sunscreen
pre-applied, and I am counting the minutes.
-Oh.
-Oh, what?
It's just...
Spit it out, Miranda. I don't have all day.
Your sister?
Ah, crap.
You wanted me to remind
you to patch things up with her.
Ah, another year bites the dust.
Look, it's none of my business, but...
I said remind me, not lecture me.
I know, but you keep going on about how
much you miss your niece and your nephew.
I know, I confide in you as I have
no social life outside of this job.
It's just... My relationship
with my sister is...
complex, and guilt-ridden,
and downright vindictive.
I mean, there's always next year.
It's just this year, ugh, I need a break.
-Okay, wish me luck. I hope they sign off on this.
-Good luck!
[Shelly] Yeah!
[laughing]
[Diane] Oh, my gosh, [inaudible].
Ah! Oh, was that him?
[chuckling]
Diane, you see it?
-[Diane] Oh!
-[Shelly] I love Christmas!
-He has time to roast marshmallows?
I have not showered today.
Oh, crap! Crap!
Ah!
Mm, so good.
All right. Can't be that bad.
[groans]
[Upbeat music playing]
Hey, Rosie, in ten years,
remind me to never have any kids.
[Rosie] Are you sure
you want to schedule that?
Ah! See? Even Rosie
knows you're full of it.
[notification buzzing]
Wait, what party? Whose party?
It's Claire! Would you chill?
Two days before Christmas. Just the girls!
-Two days before Christmas?
-Mm-hm.
Why can't you have a party with me?
We'll wrap presents, shop
for more presents, wrap those.
I'll give you a sip of mommy's Eggnog.
I'm 15. I wanna go to a 15-year-old
party with regular Eggnog.
Abby, please, be my little Christmas angel.
I'm not your Christmas
angel. I'm your puppet.
Pull the strings and I do what you say.
Pull this string and I do all the laundry.
Pull this string and I stay locked up in
my room like some medieval hostage.
-Oh, don't be so dramatic.
-Look in the mirror!
[scoffs]
Abby, please, please. You
know what I'm up against.
Come on! You thrive on it.
[gasps]
[Diane] Hey, I can see
your bra in that shirt.
-Put something on under it.
-Shh.
This could be a real game-changer for me.
No, I know, it's a great project.
No, come on, you know me.
Of course, I'm gonna deliver.
Oh, my gosh! You're delivering, too?
We have something in common.
Listen, if I nail this deal, right,
then, I make partner, okay?
-And then think about it, and you...
-But I miss you.
I know. I miss you, too. But listen,
then you can get the help around here
that you always wanted, right?
-[Jane] All right, Granny's here.
-[horn honking]
Oh, great. That's Jane.
On time, reporting for duty.
-Hi, Jane.
-Don't call me that.
Ah, what's with the chili?
You know, Diane, it's 81
degrees in Punta Cana.
Ah, doesn't that sound wonderful?
Oh, my gosh, that beachfront?
Yeah. Umbrella drinks on the beach.
-Ah, spa?
-Spa day.
Do you think they'll
let chili on the plane?
Could have my seat. [Chuckles]
Honey, honey, you've
got everything handled.
-You've got this.
-No, I don't got this.
But that's okay, go jet set with Kate.
-Really? I can go?
-No, you can't go!
What's wrong with you?
My husband and my daughter
have completely abandoned me.
You're not going anywhere.
As you wish, my dear.
You still want the chili, right?
-[Diane] Yes.
-Morning, Jane.
-Morning.
-[Brian] Later, Jane.
Nana's here.
Nana!
-[Jane] Hi.
Why are you here?
Oh, I came to say bon voyage and grab your
mother's sun hat, but now, I guess I'm helping.
Hey, soldier, you finish your breakfast in
five minutes, we're gonna get you to school.
-Check and check.
-You can go on your trip now.
No, she can't, Abby.
[mumbles] Hey! Oh,
8:45, in 15 minutes, people.
Hurry up, double time. Quick! Yeah.
[laughs] They love it when I do that.
I love it when you do that.
[chuckles]
-There you go. Another blue one.
-Thank you!
[Brian] Where's my phone?
-You're kidding?
-No, I'm not kidding you.
Thought it's glued to your face.
Diane, will you just help me out?
-[Diane] Get it together.
-Yeah.
Get married, they said, have
some kids, yeah, blah, blah.
-Hey, Dad?
-What?
There's a sleepover party. I need to go.
[Brian] You know, I lost my
phone. Help me out, all right?
[Abby] Come on!
-[Brian] Come on!
-[Abby] Mom said it's up to you!
-Yo, let's go!
-I already have to pee again.
-[Brian] The two of you are driving me crazy!
-Look, you live here for free. Help me find my phone.
-Mom said it's up to you.
Look, you know your mother, okay? Nothing
is ever, ever up to me in this house.
My entire social life depends on you.
Aren't you the top
salesman at your company?
You're always saying you
can sell anything to anyone.
Whatever you do there, do it on mom.
-[chuckles] All right, Abby?
-Do you wanna play?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Let's play a game.
-You wanna play? I'll play with you.
-Yeah?
-Give me that phone. Look.
-Come on.
Social is your mother's department, okay?
We have different
departments. You know that.
-It's on the list everywhere.
-Please, Dad!
Look, just do me a
favor. Give me the phone.
Right, give me the phone and I promise you,
I will give it my best shot with her, okay?
I promise you.
[phone buzzing]
-Answer it.
-Hey, Grandpa!
-[Cliff] Abby?
-How you doin'?
Give me the phone.
Oh, my God, is that really you?
-Love you, Dad.
-Yeah, that was Abby, yeah.
She's still giving you crap all the time?
Oh, my God, you have no idea.
[horn honks]
-Hey, Dad. How are you?
-And how well can I be?
72 hours ago, they gave me a new hip.
I can't really do this
right now, Dad. We're late.
-I'll call you later?
-[Cliff] They give me a physical therapist.
And I get here and I look up and his
office is on the third floor of a walk-up.
I really can't do this right now,
Dad. You're not listening to me.
So, with a broken hip, I gotta
walk up to my physical therapist.
-How's that for math?
-Actually, you know what?
Your daughter-in-law wants to have you.
[Cliff] And how are you, madam?
[Diane] Yeah, we're getting divorced.
No, I'm kidding. We're going to the
doctor. We gotta go. Bye, bye, bye!
Left me holding the phone.
I've been dumped on by kings.
[Dr. Tom humming]
[Dr. Tom] Look in the mirror
and tell yourself you can.
You can. [Chuckles]
Find happiness
Okay, well, I found some happiness
because this is my
favorite part of the day.
-Well, that's sad.
-Well, Diane,
after this, I got lunch, which
is just tuna on whole wheat.
And then tonight it's reruns of Out in
the Wild, Unplugged: A Survivor's Tale.
So, yes, this is the most
exciting part of my day.
[Brian] Oh, will you stop?
-Um... Okay, here we go.
-Sorry.
A little goopla there.
-And off we go.
-Come on, come on!
Um, Brian, mm-hmm.
-Yeah. See it?
-What?
[mumbling]
[scoffs] That's still a
thing? I didn't notice.
-Yeah.
-[Dr. Tom] Yeah. Still in effect.
Okay, here we go.
Jeez, hey, Brian, do you wanna
drive over here? I don't need to do this.
I mean, who am I? I can go
out and I can order bedpans.
Okay, you know, I'll be back. Just give
me... just give me two seconds, okay?
-Brian!
-Yeah, Brian, come on. Get with it. Earth to Brian! Hello!
[door slams]
-[Diane] Such an ass.
I don't get this guy. Why is it
always just two seconds with him?
-Sometimes he lasts longer.
-I pray that's true for your sake.
-Oh! Sapless winter!
-What? What?
-I'm just joking. I'm joking.
-Oh, you're awful. How could you?
-You're 37 weeks.
-Oh, well, what about the pains I've been having?
-You mean your husband?
-Yes, and my daughter.
Now that you mention
it, my sister, my mother,
and my, uh, dipshit neighbor, and his
two perfect kids across the street, Shelly.
Wait a second. Are you talking
about your daughter, Abby?
-My Abby?
-Yes, Tom, help. Help me.
[Dr. Tom] God, that
was a hell birth for me.
Do you remember I had to
use forceps to get her out?
-[Diane] Yeah.
-I mean I pulled a hamstring pulling that kid outta you.
-She is a tough gal.
-I know, relentless.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
All right, listen. Doctor's orders, okay?
Go home, get some
rest, de-stress, all right?
-And forget about Christmas, okay?
-[Diane laughs]
Come on, otherwise, we might have
to do the C word to get him outta here.
Oh, no. I'm not having
any C-section. No C word.
-He'll turn. Whoa, whoa, whoa. He? He'll? Him?
-Well...
-Is this is a boy?
-Yeah, I can't tell 100%
unless he turns, but, you
know, right now, it's a boy.
-A boy!
-Yeah.
A boy, oh.
-And I want you to take this home with you.
-Whoa!
This is gonna blow you,
excuse me, calm you away.
-Wow! You're something else.
-It's all vocalization.
And I think you'll enjoy that
because it's me vocalizing.
That is amazing. Did you do the graphics?
Oh, no. I have somebody
who does that for me.
[laughing]
-My landscaper.
-Oh, yeah, I can tell.
-I love you. You're the best. You're such a...
-Oh, come here.
-You got it.
-You're so wonderful.
-I love you.
-[Dr. Tom] I know I am.
-[Diane] Oh, may be more than my husband.
-I miss something here?
-[Dr. Tom] You're mine!
-It's a boy? I knew it!
-All good?
-Mm-hmm.
-I love you guys!
-We're all in this together, guys.
-This feels really right. This feels really right.
-It's us against the world.
[eerie music playing]
You can't put someone like me on
bed rest the week before Christmas.
Is he insane?
I mean, I should have him
disbarred or whatever you call that.
-Revoke his medical license.
-Yeah. That.
Yeah, yeah. Okay. You know, I
can just see this now. This is gonna...
This is gonna be the
perfect Walters' Christmas.
The tree is lit, the presents are wrapped,
the turkey's in the oven, the front yard is
drenched in a beautiful lighting extravaganza.
-Oh, you found my decorations?
-I did. Bluetooth. Very nicely played!
And that Shelly's not
gonna be able to top that one.
Oh, yeah. He's not gonna see it coming.
I'm gonna destroy him.
I get all hot and bothered
when you get vicious, you know.
It's kinda like a... What
do you say we go home...
-[Diane] What?
-A little cha-cha.
-Oh, kidding?
-Come on, why not?
-Well, I'll think about it.
-Okay.
-That's a maybe.
-Okay.
It depends on how useful you could be.
Useful? Oh, okay. Well, I
mean, how was I this morning?
[laughs] Are you kidding me?
-No, no, no, no.
-Oh, you were late, couldn't find your phone.
You walked out of the
doctor's office on your phone.
All right. Scratch that. Maybe you could just
average out the last four, five days, hmm?
Your mom won't let you come? For real?
She's dug her heels in, but I'm working
on a backdoor situation with my dad.
[laughs] He folds quicker
than a cheap lawn chair.
Good, because I invited
a few guys from class.
I'm screwed.
Just do some extra chores around the house.
-It always works for me.
-Your mom is obviously not my mom.
-'Sup, ladies?
-Hey, Toby.
Hey, Abby. So, isn't Mister Shunks a
total basket case in science class today.
[Abby laughing] Yeah, I thought he
was gonna light his toupee on fire.
Right? Too real.
-Shoot, I'm late for work. Talk later?
-[Abby] Yeah.
-He likes you.
-Hmm.
That is my ride. Text me later?
-Okay.
-Bye.
See you!
Hi. Come here, girl. I
have something for you.
Here, here. Hey, look! Look, look.
It's okay, I'll leave it
here for you, okay?
[phone chimes]
[Christmas music playing]
Morning, Dad. How'd you sleep?
-Coffee, I need coffee. Fast.
-Yeah?
Speaking of sleep, sleepovers
are great for sleep, right?
-Mm-hmm, yep. Yep, yep.
-Yeah.
Mm, hang on a second!
What are we talking about right now?
Oh, nothing. Just sit down
and enjoy. You deserve it.
'Sup, Champ? Sit down.
-Mmm, pancakes.
-[Brian] Mm-hm.
Whoa, this is a production!
You better eat fast, man. I wanna get
going. It's gonna be nuts out there today.
I don't want to, like, throw down
with another mom in the toy section,
-you know what I'm saying?
-That sounds amazing.
-What is that?
-Uh, bed rest, Mom.
It means plenty of rest. Here.
-Ooh.
-Fresh kale, spinach,
agave nectar, and a splash of cinnamon.
-Disgusting.
-Unbelievable.
You need your strength. And the
kale is good for smoothing out fine lines.
-You guys want more?
-[Diane] Well, your dad's gonna have to take it to go,
-'cause we're leaving.
-Uh...
I've been slaving over this
breakfast since 6:00 AM.
Now, don't you care enough about
me to let me go to that party, yes or no?
-Come on!
-I care about you so much.
-Me, too.
-My answer is no.
No way.
Thanks for breakfast.
[heavy footsteps]
Your sister's nuts. You
know that, right? Yeah.
[Brian] Hey, would you do yourself
a favor, please, and call your sister?
[Diane] She tried to hijack
Jane to another country. Forget it!
Whoa.
-Ooh. Whoa.
-What is it?
-Are you okay?
-Yeah.
-No, no, look at me.
-Yeah.
-You know what?
-I'm good. I'm good.
-Have some water. See...
-That was interesting.
You're stressing the baby out.
You're stressing everybody out.
-Okay.
-Come on, just take this.
[dramatic music playing]
[phone ringing]
Hold on a sec. I'm getting a call.
Oh, no, don't answer it.
-No, you know.
-Don't do it!
Go get some eggs. I'll
meet you over there, all right?
Brian, my boy!
We're checking in on
you. The team's all here.
Hey, buddy, how's it going?
We haven't gotten the latest figures yet,
but if you need any of
my help, I'm here for you.
[loud scratching]
[Brian] Hello?
[imitating static]
He's on the toilet?
-Sounds like it.
-I really, really can't talk.
-Okay?
-Never mind, we're out of time.
Pack your bags. You
can finish on the plane.
Give it up, Walters.
Ignore that. We'll see you tomorrow.
[Brian] Really?
It's come to this.
-What was that?
-What was what?
It was like you were humping the
tree. What was going on over there?
-Um, I don't know.
-Oh, my gosh, what?
This might not be
the time to tell you this.
-Oh, it's the time.
-Are you sure you wanna hear this?
-It's the time. Bring it.
-Okay, you know the...
Give it to me. Bring it!
-You know that production line down in Texas?
-Yeah.
-Yeah, well, the merger?
-Uh-huh.
-Big stuff.
-Yeah, it's not going so well
-and they need me down there and I can't say no.
-Oh!
Oh, you're going to Texas?
[laughs]
-Oh!
-I'm really sorry about this.
You're going to Texas?
You know what?
-That makes me... I gotta put on the happy faces for this.
-No, no, no, don't.
Chin up, chin up!
I mean, this is a happy, happy, happy,
here it comes, there's your happy face.
Put our happy faces on. Face on.
Texas, whoo!
I don't know if Texas is ready for you.
-I'm sorry.
-I'm done with you. Texas can have you.
-All right.
-Texas?
-Honestly?
-Clean up on aisle four.
[Diane] One of my most important
jobs is finding the special moments
to carry the family through it all.
What better way to spend an
evening than with Santa? It's Christmas!
All right, maybe for Dougie's sake.
[Abby] All right, let's do this.
-Santa!
-Yay, so excited!
Can we get this over
with? I've got things to do.
That's the spirit I'm
looking for. Come on, guys!
Have you decided if I can go?
Can you tell me why
it's so important to you?
-There's a boy I like.
-Oh, a boy, okay.
-Yeah, great.
-All right.
It's no big deal. We're just friends.
It's kind of a big deal.
You like him?
Walters! Early bird
gets the Santa. [Cackling]
-Nice outfit.
-Thanks.
Hot chocolate! Can you take me, please?
All right. Swirly chocolate syrup?
-Yes!
-Extra cherries?
-Yes!
-Come on.
Really?
Wow, unbelievable!
[sighs] It's okay.
Hey, listen, why don't we
just, uh, go home, right?
Put on a Christmas video instead?
-I mean, look at this line.
-No, you're gonna wait in that line.
-I really don't want to wait.
-I'll get us a hot chocolate.
If you're lucky, I'll get you
some more whipped cream.
I think I've had just about enough of that.
-Have you?
-Yeah.
-Well.
-All right.
-Get in line.
-I'll race you.
[people chattering]
Hey, tough guy!
Aren't you supposed to
be somewhere right now?
Nope. Union break.
Union break?
They got a union for this? For real?
Hey, look, nobody's going
anywhere on that line.
Sit down. Come on.
Yeah, I've been a card-carrying
member since 1973.
Even got an award last year.
Got a problem with that?
No, no problem.
I mean, that just makes
perfect sense right about now.
-Time's up, Sydney.
-Beat it, Denny. I got two more minutes left.
-Come on, you're killing me.
-He means killing us. Come on.
We're not going into
overtime. Come on, chug it.
-Let's go, come on.
-[Burps]
-Whoa.
-That's nice. Really nice.
There's kids around here, you know?
-All right, showtime.
-Oh, God.
-I'm ready.
-That's disgusting, Rumples.
-You catching Rumple Mix?
-Yeah, that and a corn dog.
That's disgusting. Ah!
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Santa. Santa, my feet are throbbing
and my water could break at any second,
so let's get to the other
side of this, all right?
-You got it, smiling lady.
-All right.
-Get that phone away! Put it away.
-Can you chill?
Oh, those bells ring out
-Don't tell your mother to chill.
-Can you chill?
Jingle bells, jingle
bells Jingle all the way
Oh what fun It is to ride in a...
[Abby] No, but how do you spell that? No.
[giggles]
Hey.
The real challenge is giving your
teenage daughter enough space,
but still wanting her to tell you
everything, like, is she happy?
Does she fit in? Does she feel loved?
What'd she have for breakfast? What's
she reading? Does she like anybody?
But the truth is, I'm losing her.
And I don't know what to do about it.
[door shuts]
Yeah, I'm still here.
[tranquil music playing]
[Diane] When Kate and I were kids,
I remember every Sunday, our
father would come home from the base.
-[Young Diane] Dad?
-Hi!
[Young Diane] Oh, my gosh!
-Dad!
-Hey!
Oh, I missed you, girls.
[Diane] And when Christmas came each year,
I just wanted everything to be perfect.
I was just trying to
show him I was a big girl.
And he left that day because of me.
My sister.
[upbeat Christmas music playing]
[phone chiming]
[Diane] Did you get to the airport?
Yeah. I just made it.
I'm here. It's all good.
All right, good.
But I was secretly hoping, you'd miss
your flight. And have to come home.
Look, baby, I know this sucks, but, you
know, I'm the only one they can depend on.
So when we get back,
we'll celebrate my promotion.
-I promise, all right?
-[Diane] Oh, my mom, man.
She's already driving me mental.
She made me sit down. Can you believe that?
She keeps tabs on everything I do...
-Sweetheart, listen, just work with me here.
- don't do.
What's the point of having family if you
don't have anyone around to help you, right?
Even if that means just sucking it up
and working with your mother, okay?
I mean, just try and see the bigger...
the bigger picture.
-You mean the one where the whole house is an empty pit
-and nothing is ready? That picture?
-Exactly!
[sighs]
[phone beeps]
-Hello? Are you there?
[phone ringing]
Hello.
- Hello?
- [Kate] Hello?
- Who's this?
- [Kate] Who's this?
You called me.
-Uh, is Brian there?
-Brian, who?
-Brian, my husband.
-Diane, is that you?
Kate? Ah, what the hell is going on?
Are you with Brian at the airport?
-No, are you?
-[Brian] Okay, girls, gotta go.
Got a plane to catch.
Oh, my God.
What a spazz!
-[Kate] You married him.
Pfft. You didn't tell me not to.
How are you?
Ready to deliver this guy as soon
as he wants to assume the position.
-It's a boy?
-Yeah.
I don't know if mom told you
but I'm not gonna be able to
make it this year for the holidays.
Uh, yeah, I figured since
I hadn't heard from you.
But I know you'll have an amazing day.
[Diane] Yeah.
-So are you catching a flight?
-Yeah, I, uh...
-I leave in a few minutes.
-All right.
Oh, hey, do you remember that... [chuckles]
that ornament we made
together to surprise Mom and Dad?
[laughs] The badly
shaped one with the photo?
[laughs] Yes.
I found that last night in
one of my decoration boxes.
I thought that was buried
somewhere in my storage unit.
Well, you must have left it here
the last time you came for Christmas.
[announcer] Attention, Flight 466 to
the Dominican Republic is now boarding.
Flight 466 is now boarding.
-That's my flight.
-[Diane] Yeah, go.
Merry Christmas!
Please give a big kiss to
Dougie and Abby for me.
-I miss them.
-[Diane] I will. I promise.
Can't believe she made me sit here.
Jane, I wanna get up!
[Christmas music playing]
[Dr. Tom clearing throat] -[Diane shrieks]
-Diane, what are you doing here?
-Oh.
-You caught me red-handed.
-Yeah.
-Disobeying doctor's orders, huh?
-Yeah, sorry.
-Diane?
-I'm sorry!
-Diane?
-I have to get a tree, Tom!
Well, you don't want one of these.
-No?
-No!
Are you kidding? These are the rejects.
These are the misfits, the degenerates
of the Christmas tree underworld,
left to rot until they're
minced up into kitty litter.
-No good. You know that.
-I don't know that, Tom.
-Now you know.
-[Sydney] Excellent conifer, Tom.
200 bucks!
-200 bucks?
Yeah, you got a problem with that?
Fine, you can keep the ax head.
You're gonna need some
WD-40, though, to pry it out.
-But you can keep it.
-A $125.
-80 bucks.
-Oh, okay, I'll take it.
Have a Merry Christmas, Tom!
And a fine day to you, smiley lady.
Forget about the trees.
Come here, follow me. I got something
really good to show you. Come on.
Oh. Oh, wow.
-[Dr. Tom] Yeah.
-[Diane] They are something.
I make these myself. Aren't they beautiful?
What I do is I think about
what I wanna do first,
-'cause I'm a thinker to begin with...
-[chainsaw grinding]
and then I get a piece of
paper, a pad and a pencil,
[drowned out by chainsaw]
And what I do, I don't know if you can see
it, I make arms out of twigs, arm twigs.
And I go, "Ooh, okay, I'm gonna
need some stuff from the hobby store."
-Because the hobby store really...
-[drowned out by chainsaw]
and kind of addictive.
I mean, once you start
working with a hot glue gun,
you don't wanna stop
working with a hot glue gun.
[drowned out by chainsaw]
Angela's my best seller.
I'd like you to have Angela.
-Oh, Tom, I couldn't.
-Yes.
-Okay, well, for the kids.
-It's for a good cause.
-There you go, oh, Angela.
-Thank you very much.
Hey, mister, guess what? Your angels suck!
I don't think he meant
that. I mean, I love kids.
Bullseye!
You little brats! If I get you, I'm gonna
hang you up by your Buster Browns!
Kids will be kids, huh?
Good seeing you, Diane. We gotta go, guys.
Put 'em back in the cage, Shelly.
Shelly? [Scoffs]
-Girl's name.
-Yeah, right?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Oh, Tom, look at you.
-Thanks.
-Look at you. Oh, you don't deserve that.
-Diane, you're so nice.
-You're so good.
I wanna give you something else.
-So weird.
-Take a look at this.
Oh, oh, Tom, I just can't
take any more from you.
Oh, you are gonna take this.
This is Dr. Tom Sings Christmas.
-Oh! Oh!
-And I want you to have this.
-Oh!
-Okay, come on, take it.
It's gonna relax you.
-You're gonna love it.
-Okay.
Okay, and it's on the house.
-Okay?
-Oh, Tom.
All right, now you get home
and you get some bed rest.
-All right.
-All right.
-Thank you.
-Next time I see you, I wanna see you in bed.
I didn't mean that. You know what I meant.
-[Diane] I know what you meant.
-Good luck with the tree.
-[Diane] Thank you.
-[Dr. Tom sighs]
Christmas.
[frantic music playing]
-I thought Toby was supposed to be joining us.
-He'll be here.
Do you have any leftover lunch?
-You're hungry?
-Yes.
-Quick, give it to me!
-So bossy.
[truck brakes squeak] -Hi, girl. Hello.
[groans] Are you that Shelly fella?
[Shelly] Yes!
Yes, is this your office's definition
of an emergency situation?
I just... I'll have... you know, I'm HOA
president of this peaceful little hamlet,
and I'm gonna be taking
this up with the mayor.
I need that dog taken out
of this park immediately.
-You got that, Chuck?
-All right.
-Can you do that?
-Gave up breakfast for this, I'm starving!
I have a few questions for ya.
Does the canine have dilated pupils,
lack of fear, showing
aggression, like, ah, coming at ya?
Okay, you know what?
Unfortunately, I don't have a degree
in canine psychology, so I
don't know how the dog feels.
-Why don't you just give me this?
-Okay. Hey, that's my stick.
Let's get a little quicker.
-That's my stick.
-I know it's your stick.
But I'm doing this, all right?
-Hey, Walters? Just take it and get it.
-Give me my stick.
Walters! Walters, don't
you dare make a move!
No, this is my dog.
Why don't you back off
and go save some turtles,
because you're not touching her.
You know what? If you
would have read my flyer,
you'd know I took care of
that turtle issue a week ago.
-So why don't you hand over the dog?
-No chance!
-You got a turtle issue?
-No.
-Go. Go!
-We got a runner!
Please! What you're doing is illegal!
-I'm gonna go this way!
-All right!
My shoes, my shoes.
-[Abby] My knight!
-Hurry!
-I gotta get my dad's car back before he gets up for work.
-Great.
-Thank you, thank you, thank you!
-Get in.
[tires squealing]
-[Shelly] Dammit!
I can't run in this
handmade alpaca skin shoes!
Quick-legged, canine-loving little fart.
Sorry, what?
Where does she think she's going?
If she's going back to her house,
I think she's royally screwed.
-You want some?
-Aw, do I want a banana?
No!
-I'm potassium intolerant.
-Hey, I would have eaten that banana.
I'm hungry. I haven't had lunch.
There's a fruit stand on sixth.
-I'm going past it if you wanna walk with me.
-Yeah.
-I'm starving.
-I'm just, I'm in ketosis. I can't eat sugar.
Did you say you're looking for an alpaca?
-[Shelly] No.
-I have alpacas if you need 'em.
-[Kate] Abby, I can't hear you!
-[Abby] The dog is starving.
-[Kate] Abby, I can't hear you!
-[Abby] The dog is starving.
Abby?
-[Abby] Hello, can you hear me?
-Okay.
-[Abby] The dog is...
Are you on this flight?
Are you business class?
Uh...
-I need you to board now or clear the area.
All right, so I just want, take
everything out, lay it out, take stock.
We're probably gonna need more
extension cords for all these lights.
You think? Oh, what is... This
is hideous. Don't lift anything.
[Jane grumbling]
[Diane] Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
What's up, Shelly?
Come on, did I break an
HOA rule you just made up?
I'm just trying to be neighborly here.
But you hiding anything from me, Walters?
How many watts you're putting up this year?
Enough to blow your mind.
-I could do this all day.
-Huh?
Look, I don't have
time for this, all right?
What is going on? What is it?
Stray dog. It has been hanging out at
the park across the street from the school.
And it is my job as current president to
keep everybody safe, including you, Diane.
I feel safer already.
What does this have to do with me?
Abby was seen at the
park earlier with that dog.
And when I confronted her
about it, she hopped into a car,
sped outta there like a bat outta heck.
And I just thought you
should know about it.
Okay, you have finally
lost your ever-loving mind
because Abby is at a
friend's house studying.
I'm not so sure about that.
Might wanna follow-up on your kids.
Anyway, I gotta get
going. I have a meeting.
It was great... great talking with you.
-Jane? Jane?
-What, what, what?
We're gonna need some
extra extension cords after all.
Yeah, to tie him up with,
roast him over a pit
of fire like the pig he is.
Hey, Dougie, you wanna
go with me to the store?
Mom needs to go inside and relax.
Come on, let's go. We
gotta go buy some more stuff.
[Dougie] Yup.
[Diane] All right, Abby.
Kate?
Ah. Okay, great timing as usual.
I'm in the middle of a crisis.
-Just come on inside.
-Thank you!
Just come on in.
[siren wails]
[Toby] Oh, boy!
Oh, boy!
My Mom's gonna kill me. [Laughs]
It's okay. We're gonna be okay.
[whining]
-[officer] Could you turn the engine off for me, sir?
-Yes, officer.
-[officer] Both of you out of the car, right now. Let's go.
-Okay.
-[officer] Come on.
-[Dog whimpering]
Do you have a leash for that dog?
-No, I do not.
-You don't have a leash?
No, officer.
Let's go.
Lock it up.
[car lock beeps]
-[officer] Is he potty trained?
-[Toby] I hope so.
-[officer] Not gonna shit in my car, right?
-[dog barks]
This... this kind of stuff is... Abby tests
me constantly, but this is not like her.
I don't know, like, do you think
she's hiding something from me?
Well...
she called me when I was
getting on the plane and...
I don't know, something
just didn't sit right with me
-and I didn't wanna worry you.
-That's why you're here?
'Cause she called you?
Oh, did you bring your cape?
-Did you pack it?
-It's a towel and a chip clip.
I'm trying, Diane!
-[Moans]
Diane, you need to be taking it easy.
Yeah, I know. I know.
Come on, sit down.
Just give me an aspirin, all right?
It's in the cupboard by the stove.
-This one?
-Yes, that one on the right.
[sighs]
Okay, breathe.
Look, I know you two
haven't been getting along.
And I didn't wanna overstep
my boundaries again.
I was just worried about you.
You're concerned about me? That's funny.
You're such a liar, worried about me.
I am!
-[Phone ringing]
Hello?
-No, this is her aunt.
-Is that Abby?
-Give me the phone.
-Okay.
-Give it to me!
-We're on our way.
Was that Abby? Is she okay?
She's okay, but you...
-Why the hell is she calling you?
She's okay, but you need to get your coat.
-Come on, let's go.
-Where is she?
-You're not gonna love this.
-What is happening?
But she's okay.
[Diane] I'm Diane Walters. My
daughter Abby Walters is here.
Can you tell me what's happening?
I don't know, but I will find out for you.
Do me a favor have a seat over there
and I'll get right back to ya.
Yo, any Walters here?
Her mother's here.
All right, come on out. Bring her out.
Abby, what happened?
[officer] Miss. Is this your mother?
-Yes.
-Look, ma'am, we're not gonna press any charges
outside of a $300 mandatory city fine.
Will someone tell me what happened?
Okay.
We have riding in a
vehicle with a junior permit.
Running a stop sign and traveling
45 miles an hour in a school zone.
Transporting and/or having possession
of an unlicensed domestic animal
on a public road.
And lying to her mother.
I'll let you enforce that one.
One more thing,
pay the fine, get the proper
license, and take your dog.
I don't wanna see any
of you guys here again.
-Well, this is not my dog.
-Please, Mom.
She'll die if we don't...
-Well, your daughter says that this is your dog.
-Is it or isn't it?
-That is not my dog.
-Mom, no!
-All right.
Call Chuck at Animal Control for a pick up.
Officer, she's mine.
My niece was just taking
her to get her shots for me.
-You know her?
-Yeah, yeah.
It's my fault. It won't happen again.
All right. Have a good night.
-Thank you.
-All right. Thank you. Merry Christmas, happy holidays.
[Kate] Merry Christmas to you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where you going?
Take a seat.
[Diane] All right. Can you
give me the keys? Dog?
Abby, I'll meet you in
the car. Go on. Go on.
Kate, what the hell?
You walk into our lives after
all this time and pull that crap?
I run the show here.
[Kate] I was just doing
what you should have done.
Abby is my daughter.
She doesn't need a BFF. She needs a mother.
-Why would you do that?
-It is not about the damn dog, Diane.
You are making your issues her issues.
No, I'm not.
Okay. Keep telling yourself that.
[soft music playing]
-Hey!
-Hey!
-Mom?
-What?
I'm leaving.
What are you talking about, you're leaving?
[Abby sobbing] -A doggy for Christmas?
Oh my God, whose dog is it? Are you okay?
-Look, there's a dog here.
-You're the best sister ever.
-[Abby] No, I'm not.
-[Dougie] I love you.
Oh, my, whose dog is this?
Wait, oh, my God, this dog smells.
[Kate] Mom, did you hear what I said?
Ah, Dougie, honey, could you
go upstairs, you get ready for bed,
-and I'll bring doggy up to tuck you in with me, okay?
-Okay.
-Bye, Dougie.
-You're leaving? Where do you think you're going?
I tried to make things better
between us and I screwed up,
and I made things worse, much worse.
Okay. Could you just stick it out
just for a little while longer, please?
Look, she doesn't want me here, Mom.
That is not true. She's just under... Wait.
-Mom.
-She's under a lot of pressure right now.
-And whose dog is this?
-Would you stop taking her side for once?
-I'm your daughter, too, you know?
-I know, I know.
And where are you gonna stay?
-[Kate] I'll stay at the hotel in town tonight.
-[Jane] No.
And then tomorrow, I'm going on my trip.
-Wait, I got, wait.
-Merry Christmas, Mom.
Oh, come on. No, come on, pumpkin!
[Kate] Don't call me
pumpkin. You know I hate that!
[Jane] Okay, fine, Petunia.
Come on, Katie. Kate!
[stutters] What?
What? What did you do to nick the reindeer?
He didn't do anything to you.
Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
[car door closes]
[sighs]
[soft music playing]
[sighs]
[Dr. Tom speaking indistinctly]
[Diane] What's going on down there?
You know I can't understand
you under that mask.
[Dr. Tom yelling]
[Diane yelling]
-Hey, get off me!
-What?
-[Dr. Tom laughing]
-[Diane] Get outta there!
I'm just joshing with ya.
-Everything looks great.
-Yeah, and?
[Dr. Tom] Yeah, you're 3.5 centimeters.
The old train has left the station.
Oh, no, don't say that.
What? The joke my rabbi told me?
The train. I can't have this baby.
I'm not ready, Tom. Not before Christmas.
I'm not. I mean, can't you do
something to slow this down?
Don't you know some...
make some kind of sound or...
Okay, yeah, sure. I can get into
a time machine and push pause,
-but I... Come on.
-Yeah, I doubt we can.
Listen, Diane, this is the
best part of the pregnancy.
At least it is for me.
The delivery, it's far too much pressure.
And if that doesn't work, maybe a banjo
and a set of pliers will do the trick.
-Banjos and a set of pliers?
-[Dr. Tom] Yeah.
It's an old world
technique. It goes way back.
My father handed it down to me,
his father handed it down to him,
his father handed it down to him,
but it's been banned in, like, 17
countries, so, it's not in popular use.
So, the point I'm trying to make
is that if you need help, just ask.
Do you know where I can find
a Speed Diamond race track,
because they're sold out everywhere.
-Everywhere.
-Okay. You're not getting it, are you?
Let's close our eyes. Close them!
-No, don't make me do it.
-[Dr. Tom] Close those eyes!
Tom, I don't have time.
[Dr. Tom] And let's breathe
in, and out, and hum.
[both humming]
-And breathe.
Just twice!
[deep breathing]
[Dr. Tom] Good. Open
your eyes, look at me. Slowly.
Yeah.
How do you feel?
Old, tired, bloated.
And some serious cravings. Snails.
Yeah, well, that makes two of us.
Except for the part about the snails.
They're the carpet baggers of the sea.
[Dr. Tom stutters]
But you know what the really good news is?
The next time you see me,
I'll have my catcher's mitt on.
[Dr. Tom makes clicking sound]
[firing sound from cannon]
[humming]
[loud smacking]
[imitating crying]
Thanks, Tom. I needed that.
I know. I did, too.
I feel good. I went through
the numbers up and down, right,
and I can't see how they'd say no.
I think it's really an
amazing, it's an amazing plan.
Yeah. That's exactly what I wanna
hear, Walters, or should I say partner?
It's got a nice ring to it, right?
But so nice bump up sound pretty good, too.
[both laughing]
-Nice!
Yes, I admire a man
who knows what he wants.
[coughs]
You, uh, serious about this?
I put you through hell
and back and you survived.
[laughs] Unless you tank tomorrow.
But you won't. You're my ace.
Yeah. I gotta call my wife.
Okay, but first, you are aware that I'm gonna
need you to be based in the London office?
[Brian laughs] Yeah, nice.
-Wait, what?
-Six to nine months, tops.
Think about it.
I need your answer tomorrow
after the presentation.
Well done, Walters. Congrats!
Yeah, thanks, Stu.
Hey, over there, I meant to ask you
about, you know, Mary, the kids, and Ben.
Did he, uh... Did he make all county?
I wouldn't know. I been
stuck down here for months.
See you in the morning. Get some rest.
[Christmas rock music playing]
[air hisses]
-[Diane giggles]
[phone ringing]
[voicemail beep]
Oh, hey, Brian.
Well, Kate showed up. So, thanks for that.
And, um, I don't know how to repair
the past, though. She's gone now.
And, uh, let's see, Abby got arrested
with that Smith kid, Toby, down the block.
So I bailed 'em out for 300 bucks.
And now she hates me even more than before.
So that's awesome.
And to top it off, I've got a stray dog.
That she dog-napped, in the mud room,
uh, that Dougie thinks
is his Christmas present
until I have to get rid of it tomorrow.
So that's, like, oh, I can't wait for that.
But how's it going for you?
Empathy, Brian. I know it's hard for you.
But just put yourself in my shoes.
And maybe it will occur to
you that you should be here
dealing with some of this stuff.
Now I'm hanging up on you. I love you. Bye.
I'm gonna put the star up to surprise Dad.
[dog barking]
-Fred, get off!
-Fred, get off of her.
Go!
-[Thuds]
-What the hell happened?
-[Young Jane] Are you okay?
-[Dad] Honey, what did you do?
-I don't know.
I was trying to put the star
on the tree and then it just fell.
-Oh, my God.
-I'm sorry.
I would just have one Christmas?
I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!
[door slamming] -I told him I was sorry.
[Young Jane] No, no, it's all right.
-[Jane] What are you doing up?
-What are you doing up?
Don't talk to me like that.
Listen to me, your sister and I
both gave up a beautiful vacation...
-Oh, Mom, don't...
- instead...
-Don't go there, please.
-Everyone is here to help you, okay?
No, she's no here for me anymore, is she?
-Well, whose fault is that? We...
-Whose fault is that?
-Whose fault is that?
-Okay.
You have to let your guard
down, you have to let us help you.
-You look exhausted.
-Oh, like, she let her guard down.
I'm not having this
argument with you again.
This has been going on since
you were six years old. Grow up!
You need to take off your
clothes, you need to crawl in bed,
and you need to get some
rest before this baby comes.
You can do anything you set your mind to.
Tomorrow is another day. You have got this.
Go to bed. Get some sleep.
[Diane gasps]
Oh.
[loud knocking]
[loud knocking]
-Get in here.
-[Abby sobbing]
[door slams shut]
[Kate] Hey! It's okay!
What's wrong? What happened?
Everything. I ruined everything.
Mom is going to drop off the dog tomorrow
and I was supposed to take care of her.
But I messed up.
Oh. Hey, don't say that.
Your mother's mad right
now. She'll come around.
No, you don't know how she can be.
[scoffs] Actually, I do.
Look, your mom is tough.
But what I can tell you is she loves you.
And she would cut off her
right arm if it would save you.
Then why did you leave?
Uh...
I'm gonna call her right now.
You stay here tonight until
she calms down. Is that okay?
[phone rings]
Is she with you?
Okay!
Okay!
[Diane cries]
Thanks, Kate!
You don't have to thank me.
Is it okay if she stays here tonight?
No, no, no, it's fine. No, no, just...
I'm glad she's with you. I'm fine.
Hey, um...
I just wanna say I'm sorry.
Okay. It's not all your fault.
And I hope you reconsider.
I know we're not very tropical or relaxing,
but...
-I don't need tropical.
[laughs]
Thank you for being there for her.
If you could stay, I'd really love you to.
I'd really love you to be
with us for the holidays.
I always have.
-Okay.
- [Diane] Give her a hug for me.
Okay, thanks, Kate.
Okay, I see. Everyone against me now?
Your mommy has a very busy day.
So you and I are going on Nana's fun day.
And I think your mommy's taking
the dog to the doctor this afternoon.
Why?
[Jane] Just to make sure she's
healthy, you know, for a check-up.
-She's okay. I brushed her teeth.
-You did?
Yup. Her breath stank like poop.
[dog whining]
Hurry up, time is a-tickin'.
-Bye, doggie. I love you. See you later.
-[dog barks]
You're trying too hard to be a good mother,
so you keep forgetting
the most important thing.
They're little for such a short time.
Bed rest.
-Isn't that puppy cute?
-Oh, yeah.
But we have other fun
things to do. Hoppity in.
[Dougie] Yeah.
-[Jane] You think we're gonna see Santa?
-[Dougie] Yeah!
[Jane] I don't know. He
might be at the North Pole.
But I'm for sure gonna
see some of his elves.
[mischievous music playing]
[dog whining] -What's going on, buddy?
What are you doing?
What is going on?
[dog groans]
Oh, my God.
Come on, dog. Come on, dog.
Come on, dog!
I got enough stubborn in my life!
[panting]
Good girl.
-Hey, Dad, what's up?
-Where are you?
[Brian] I'm in Texas, on my
way to a big presentation.
Wow!
Well, remember, over, under, through.
Yeah, I got it. Thanks.
[Cliff] Oh, good, you remembered.
That impresses me. Thank you.
-Also, remember a good tie knot...
-Is the measure of a man.
-I know.
-Hey, another one!
You actually were listening.
I get a kick outta that.
Modern technology, Jesus Christ.
You imagine what I'm talking to
you on and you're talking to me,
talk about modern technology?
And yet, you know how many
letters I had to write to your mother
just to get her to date me?
Let me guess, three, four, what?
27!
Ah, 27! Nice!
Nice. And now here you are.
Look at ya!
At least I got one thing right.
Yeah.
How'd you do it all those years? I mean,
the traveling, the juggling all of it? I...
I mean, it never seems to be enough...
-Time.
Yeah, no time. It's...
[Cliff] If I had to do it all over again...
I'll never get the chance,
but I'd need more time.
Yeah. Yeah.
I gotta go, Dad. Wish me luck, all right?
If a man knows who he is,
he doesn't need luck,
'cause he's already who he is.
-Yeah.
-Brian?
Hear me.
Leave a piece of yourself.
Yeah. Hey, Dad,
love you.
You both missed a great party last night.
[scoffs] I'm grounded until next year.
Yeah, me, too. But, uh, it was worth it.
Whoa, Abby, that's your mom.
[Abby] Oh, no, she's taking the dog
to the shelter. We need to stop her.
-Okay, um...
-Come on, think!
-We need to do something!
-Okay, we'll need to bust my Dad's car outta the garage.
-Come with me. Come on.
-Okay, okay.
-Okay, bye then.
-[Both] Bye!
[Brian] All right, Benjamin Graham is a
company known for its innovative spirit...
a solutions company that proactively
seeks the wants and needs of customers
with a goal of achieving customer
satisfaction and customer success.
So let's just cut to the chase, all right?
We're gonna be increasing
production by 18%.
Okay?
-[Phone buzzing]
[Brian] Sorry. Excuse me, sorry.
[phone buzzing]
-[mumbles]
[clears throat]
I'm sorry. Where was I?
Oh, right. And then all the while,
we'll be reducing the overall
cost by a factor of seven percent.
-Okay, and... Damn.
-[Phone buzzing]
Sorry, just one second.
[Brian laughs] Whose phone is
this? I don't recognize this number.
Hello? Abby?
-[Abby] Dad?
-Hey, I'm... I'm at work, I can't...
- [Abby] Dad, hello?
-[Abby] Hey, hey, yeah. I need you.
-Hello?
-What?
-Mom's taking my dog to the shelter.
You don't know what's going on, but
I need you. Mom doesn't understand.
-Calm down. What? She what?
-Please come home. I need you home, please.
- I need you for under...
-What? Hey...
[dial tone beeping]
-No signal.
[sighs]
[Brian] Hello?
Abby? Abby? Is it...
I can't... I can't continue.
Sit down. I'll be right back.
Walters.
-What are you doing?
-Not now, Roger.
You're throwing it all away.
Look, Roger, I can't go to
London right now, all right?
You wanna fire me? Knock yourself
out. I gotta be with my family, okay?
You understand that, right?
-Brian?
-What? It's family.
Oh, perfect. Unbelievable.
I knew Walters wouldn't deliver. Pathetic.
Shut up! He's the best man we've got.
[dog whining] -What are you looking
at me with those beady eyes for?
Trying to make me feel like
I'm a horrible mother? I know!
Some selfish witch I turned out to be.
I wasn't always like that, you know?
[chuckles]
I really wasn't always like that.
I just wanted everything
to be perfect, you know?
So I fixed everything up,
put the tree back together...
took my position by the door.
It was Christmas, you
know, but it was Sunday,
so I knew that he would be there.
[loud knocking]
[melancholy music playing]
And I could see the look on his face
when he saw that I fixed everything up.
It replays over and over
in my head every day.
[dog whining]
[Christmas music playing]
I'm just a little stressed.
Maybe you can help me out.
I'm sorry, sir, but the earliest flight I
can get you on is at 7:00 PM on standby.
Standby? No!
[mumbles]
-I can't do standby. What's your name?
-Jessica.
You like, uh, jacuzzies?
I got one that's made out of rhinestone,
and you'd look really good in it.
Hello?
Hello?
Doctor Klein?
Hello?
[man groaning]
[Diane gasps]
-[Chuck] Hold it!
-I know you.
-No, you don't.
I know that dog, too.
-Made me look like an idiot in the park.
-No, my dog. This is my dog.
-Why don't you call that little miss runs away?
-[sighs]
Do you know where the doctor is?
Yeah, Doc Klein's in the back over there.
-Thank you.
-I got a question for you, first.
Do you have an apple or
gluten-free chip, something?
-No! No! No!
-I'm starving, please.
-Fine.
-Thank you.
Take a quiche. Merry Christmas!
Paging Doctor Klein in neurosurgery.
Paging Doctor Klein in neurosurgery.
-Hi, Doctor Klein.
-Oh, hey.
-[Diane] Hi.
-Hi, how are you?
Um, you're the one that got the
iguana stuck in the toilet, right?
-No, we spoke on the phone.
-Oh, yeah, yeah, no.
-The parrot in the attic, yeah, sure.
-Oh, God.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, my gosh
pregnant mom, defiant daughter.
-Yes, that's me. Hi.
-How did I?
-It's been a busy week.
-Okay, thanks for seeing us.
Something's going on with her. I'm just
not sure. I thought you should take a look.
Yeah, I think we'll be fine. Look at you.
-Yeah?
-Yeah. I mean, she looks... She doesn't look good.
Uh...
-She doesn't look good?
-No!
But let's take a few X-rays and
then maybe you can wait in the lobby,
-and I'll get back to you.
-Oh, oh, yeah, my phone's there.
-Sure, yes.
-[Diane] I'll be in the lobby.
Oh, boy. Hi, we'll be fine, I think.
Let me just check you.
Okay.
Um, very good. Very good.
You're a strong dog, yes.
Here, let me just see
your... What do we got here?
Okay, teeth look good.
Hey, it's gonna be okay.
You don't know what it's like in
my house. It's non-stop chaos.
At least your parents love each other.
You got a cool young
brother, a bitchin' aunt,
and to top it all off, you got me.
I got you?
You think I just hang out with strays,
tour police stations, and steal
my old man's car for just anyone?
-At least not this weekend.
-[Laughs] What?
-Oh.
-Kate!
Diane, you didn't.
I can't believe you did
this after everything.
Oh, Kate.
-Mom, how could you?
-Abby!
No, no, no, I'll remember
this for the rest of my life.
-Oh, I hope you do. I'm so sorry.
-How could you say that?
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I was
trying so hard to be a good mother,
I forgot the most important thing.
[gasps] Baby!
Hi. Oh my goodness, hi, girl.
She was a bit dehydrated,
but her vitals look good.
-That's good.
-And?
Look at this. She swallowed something.
No, those look like puppies.
Four puppies!
-Yeah? Yeah, those are...
-Puppies!
- those are puppies.
-Uh-huh, yeah.
Those are puppies.
-You're right. Those are puppies.
-This is unreal.
-You're having puppies.
-What?
-You're pregnant just like mamma.
-[Dr. Klein] Yeah.
So we're closed for the
holiday, but this is my cell.
-If you have any questions, just give me a call.
-Thank you. We'll be fine.
We got the old battle axe at home.
-She can handle anything.
-Yeah.
-We won't be calling.
-[Dr. Klein] Good luck!
-Thank you so much.
-Oh!
[confused mumbling]
-Does she always do this?
-Mom?
[Kate] Diane?
Come on!
-[Kate] We don't really know him.
-[Diane] Merry Christmas, Doctor.
-[Dr. Klein] Merry Christmas.
-[Diane] Merry Christmas!
-[Dr. Klein] Merry Christmas!
-[Abby] Yeah, yeah.
-[Toby] Thanks.
[Dr. Klein] Merry Christmas.
Wow! Nuts.
She did call me doctor.
[soft music playing]
-Looks good. Thank you.
-Yeah, no problem.
Okay, move. Move, move, move.
[Abby] Oh, sorry.
Cannot be too prepared.
-You sure about this?
-Well, I'm a little rusty, but I think I got it.
You got this.
-[Diane] Hi.
-[Abby] Hi, Mom.
I got the mammas.
-[Jane] Here she comes.
-Hi, girl.
Oh, you got the box all set
up. Let's see if she'll go in there.
Will you go inside? Come on.
-Kennel.
-[Kate] Oh, she does.
-[Diane] Oh, she's so good.
-She needs a name.
I think you're right. I think
she does need a name.
Well, Mister Man, what do
you think we should name her?
-Abby.
-Oh, really?
Yup! Like my best big sister.
Dougie, that's sweet.
But how about we name her after Jane?
-Like Nana?
-Yup, How's that sound?
Abigail Jane Walters. I like that.
I like that, too.
Well, Abigail Jane, welcome
to your new insane family.
Okay, enough with the warm and fuzzies.
From the looks of it, we
got a few hours until go time.
Oh, well, in that case,
let's get her prepped
and get this house ready
for Christmas, double time.
-Are you ready, Dougie?
-Cool, yeah.
Yes, sir!
-[Abby] Sir, yes, sir.
-[Dougie] Sir, yes, sir!
-Yeah.
-It's all right.
-Whoa, I'll be right here.
-You stay there.
-You'll find me right here.
I could tell you All
about the snowflakes
I could tell you All about the tree
I could tell you All
about the mistletoe
But we both know That wouldn't be me
Now I'm not saying I
don't like "Deck the Halls"
Or "Silent Night" Why
can't we all sing along?
To our own kind Of Christmas song
It goes, fa, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la,
La, la, la Our kinda Christmas song
Fa, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la Our kinda Christmas song
[soft music playing]
I know.
I know.
Every year.
Ever since he's been gone.
I never told anyone how I felt.
It's not your fault, Diane.
I miss him, too.
I just thought if he didn't rush
out of the house that night.
You have got to stop blaming yourself.
It was an accident.
It's okay.
[Kate cries]
It looks wonderful, Diane.
Just how I imagined it.
[Christmas music playing]
[knuckles cracking]
What are you looking at, hmm?
[Laughs] Oh, my God, that felt good.
-[Abby] Okay, it's your turn.
-[Kate] Okay, here it goes.
-Ah, four!
-Dude!
-How do you keep winning?
-One, two, three, four.
-Sorry.
-[Brian] Hey, hey, hey.
-Hey!
-What did I miss? And what is this?
[Dougie] That's Abigail Jane.
-She's going to have puppies.
-[Brian] Is she really now?
-And what is this?
-Baby, hey!
-Hey, you.
-Just stay away from my daughter.
-First...
-Who's this guy?
-Yeah, don't worry about it. How did it go?
-I am worried about it.
Who's short, dark, and handsome over here?
-Yo. Wifey.
-What?
Did you get the promotion?
Well, I'll tell you, but
let's just say, all right.
-Yeah.
-You're gonna see a lot more of me around here from now on.
-Are you cool?
-Couldn't be cooler.
-I love you.
-I love you so much.
Oh, man!
Oh, man! Oh, man, okay!
[Brian] I got you.
-I got you. Kate, come here.
-Okay, that's my cue. Time to go!
Mom.
-[Brain] Kate, Kate, come here.
-You got this.
-You got it.
-Now, come here, help her.
All right, get the bags.
-Honey, you can do it. I love you.
-[Diane] I love you, mamma.
-I love you.
-Baby girl.
-[Diane] I love you.
-[Abby] I love you. Now, go get me another brother.
-What do you think? It's your turn next.
-[whining]
[dramatic music playing]
All right, guys, let's take a picture.
Smile, big smiles right here. Bigger.
Can you guys do bigger smiles?
Thanks!
[Shelly laughing]
-Oh, beautiful.
-[Horn honking]
-Hi, Shelly.
-Hey, Diane!
-Everything okay? Did you find Abby?
-Oh, yeah, she's fine.
She's at the house with her
new boyfriend and my mom.
They're delivering a litter of puppies.
-That's great.
-Yeah.
Brian quit his job to be
home with the family more.
-Wow, good job, Bri.
-Thanks, Shelly.
-Good to see you.
-I patched up years of rough waters with my sister, Kate.
Nice to meet you.
-Aw, nice, hi.
I got the table set, the turkey in
the oven, the yams are yammed,
cookies sprinkled, the presents are
wrapped and there's one more thing...
-We really gotta go, babe.
-Oh, what is it?
We gotta go. Come on.
I can't remember. Oh, now I remember.
[missile sound]
[Christmas music playing]
[fireworks crashing]
[laughing]
How you like that show, huh?
-You like that, Shelly?
-It's Bluetooth.
-Don't cry.
-No, it's impressive.
-It's impressive.
-You had it coming.
You know what's impressive, your khakis.
-See ya, Shelly!
-Okay.
I'll see you guys. Merry Christmas.
This is the new perfect, Shelly.
-Whoo!
-Merry Christmas.
-[Brian] Ready, baby?
-Hit it, Brian!
[Diane screams]
Wow! What a show!
We'll get 'em next year, boys.
Hurry up. Come on, come on, careful.
-She's pregnant, all right?
-I know. I know you know. Just be careful.
Sit down. Put your feet up.
Bend your knees over to the
side. All right, put your toes in.
[Dr. Tom] What we've
all been waiting for, right?
Yeah.
[Diane growling]
-Okay, I'm ordering an epidural.
-Don't you dare!
[Sydney] Way to go, smiling lady!
[Brian] Your pants are
falling down, Doc. I got 'em.
-Merry Christmas!
-[Brian] We're having a baby!
Whoo-hoo! It's gonna be a great night.
[timer dings]
You wanna meet your new niece Kathleen?
Hi, there, Kathleen.
I'm your Aunt Kate.
Did you know she was gonna be a girl?
No clue.
Well...
-Hi, Doctor Tom.
-Hey, Doc.
Hello. How are we all doing?
Doing good. Thank you.
-So proud of you.
-Yeah, right?
-Amazing.
-Come here.
-Isn't she good?
-You come here.
-Ah, me?
-Oh, yes, you.
-I am proud of you.
-Thanks, Doc.
You did it. You came true.
Couldn't have done it without you, yeah.
-So proud of you, Brian.
-It's okay.
-No, no, it's okay.
-No, I...
-Breathe.
-[Indistinct]
[Jane] Hi, girl, good job.
-Oh, my goodness. Hi, girly.
-Would you look at that?
[Abby] You did such a good job.
Absolutely beautiful.
-You did it, Abby.
-No! We did.
-She did.
-[Abby] She did.
[Jane] Yes, she did. You
did a great job, yes, you did.
-[Abby] Good job, girly.
-Look at that little one over there.
That one's mine.
[Diane] Brian, I'm ready to go home.
-It's Christmas.
-I know you are.
I wanna go home. Can't you grab
the baby and just bust us out of here?
Yeah, yeah, you got a lot of energy for
someone who just gave birth to a child.
Close your eyes for a second.
Close your eyes. Close your eyes.
-It's Christmas.
-Close your eyes. All right? Keep 'em closed, okay?
[all] Merry Christmas!
-[Brian laughing]
[all cheering]
-Merry Christmas.
-There she is.
[Brian] Hey, Toby, slow down. Slow down.
-There we go.
-[Toby] Hello, Mr. Walters.
-[Brian] Yeah, okay.
-Kathleen. You have a little sister.
-Sister?
-A sister?
Oh, my God!
-Who is hungry?
-I am!
-I know the doctor is.
-Yeah.
-Yes.
-[Brian] Feed the doctor first.
-I'll be the first in line.
-The doctor first.
-He did good work.
-Yes, you did a great job.
-He did all the work.
-You did, too.
-[Dr. Tom] You remember me?
-I remember.
-How could anyone forget you?
-Oh, my God.
-Okay.
-Thank you.
-You always wear your hat at dinner?
-A toast to Mom.
And what about Dad get some credit?
-Yeah.
-Thank you.
Pass that to your father.
Yes, aw, thank you very much. Love you.
-Yes, you do good work.
-Thank you.
-Yes, you do.
-Nine months ago, I did all the work.
[all laughing]
And since then, he hasn't helped at all.
[indistinct chatter]
Hi. I'd like to give you a preview of my
new holiday CD, Dr. Tom Sings Christmas.
You can get it, really,
anywhere, eventually.
Right now, I just have this one.
But I'm gonna have a few more made.
Oh, holy night
The stars above are shining
It is the night that The baby is born
And he's sleeping. And remember,
mothers, when your baby sleeps, you sleep.
Come tidings we bring to
you And your fellow man
And we love you so much
Because only Christmas can
Sleep
In heavenly peace
Yes!
[laughing] Remember, Shelly Giswold.
Put it on his tab. He owes me.
All right.
[dispatcher] Hey, Chuck.
We got a situation here.
We got a Tasmanian
saber-toothed muskrat on the loose.
It's very rare on the endangered list.
You're the man we need out there.
So get out there.
[Christmas music playing]
No! I won't do it, dammit!
Let him be. Let him... Let him roam.
I'm trying to eat.
[dispatcher] We're not gonna have
another Hartley High on our hands, are ya?
Let's go.
[Chuck] Idiot.
I could tell you all
about The snowflakes
I could tell you all about The tree
I could tell you all
about The mistletoe
But we both know That wouldn't be me
We already know About the reindeer
Everybody knows About the sleigh
I don't really care
About Rudolph's nose
Or how it glows When
they're on their way
Now, I'm not saying I
don't like "Deck the Halls"
Or "Silent Night", but
Why can't we all sing along
To our own kinda Christmas song
It goes fa, la, la,
la La, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la Our kinda Christmas song
Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la Our kinda Christmas song
I'm not gonna wear An ugly sweater
I'll be sleeping in On Christmas day
I didn't have the time
To wrap the gifts I bought
But if you like socks
You've got it made
And we might be Dysfunctional
Nothing rhymes With functional
So even if The words are wrong
To our own kind Of Christmas song
We'll sing fa, la, la,
la La, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la Our kinda Christmas song
Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, Our kinda Christmas song
[instrumental music playing]
Oh, well I just wanna be with you
You're crazy But I'm crazy, too
So why don't we Just move on?
And sing our own Kinda Christmas song
It goes fa, la, la,
la La, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la Our kinda Christmas song
Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, Our kinda Christmas song
Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, Our kinda Christmas song
Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, Our kinda Christmas song