Christmas with Jerks (2023) Movie Script

["Christmas with Jerks" plays]
Christmas With Jerks
[Woman] This is Eve Carter.
Leave me a message. [Beep]
[Woman] Hey, sis.
I know it's a weird time of
year for you,
but you can still come with us
to Hawaii for Christmas.
Okay? Let me know.
Christmas With Jerks
[Man] Eve, it's Brian.
I've been on the phone with
the studio all morning.
They know they screwed us
both over, but
there's nothing we can do
at this point.
But we'll get the next one.
[Woman] Hey, uh,
I saw the viral video of you.
Um, look, I get it.
If you wanna hide out for
the holidays,
but I don't want you all alone.
Okay? So just come to Atlanta
and stay with Mickey. Okay?
Christmas With Jerks
[Man] Eve, PR is having to work
double time for you,
so maybe don't go out
this December.
[Different Man] Eve Carter?
You know what?
You got to stop leaving me these
angry voicemails,
I know this reboot's been
our baby for years. I...
I fought for you.
I fought for you. I really did.
But you can't fight a studio,
so just--
You got to stop badmouthing me
in public.
Move on.
8 Days til Christmas
[Man] Good news!
You at least got a callback
for Emma.
It's Off Off Broadway, but
at least it's not New Jersey.
[Woman] Hey, jackass,
it's your sister.
Remember me?
Look, I need to know if you're
coming or not.
Call me. Seriously.
Christmas With Jerks
[Airplane sounds]
Christmas With Jerks
[with British accent]
Unwilling to admit my faults.
What my ex said.
Glad he's gone, actually.
I want to be alone for holiday.
Alone. Alone, Alone.
[Finger kiss]
[Woman] Wow. I mean,
that was... [Claps]
Listen, I know that we had to
do a callback
as soon as you landed off
the plane, but
I'm really, really glad
it worked out.
- Yeah?
- My driver understands.
When Brian told me you were
going to do a
- modern take on Emma.
- Oh, no.
This play is going to be
lit sizzling.
Okay? We're going to get butts
back in seats.
Right? Get that butt
back in a seat.
Hashtag live theater, baby.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I just want to do
meaningful work
from now on.
Hmm.... Yeah, yeah,
they really typecast you, huh?
Uh, listen... it doesn't
really help
that you've had A LOT of uh...
crazy moments go viral.
And I've never gotten to work
with a female director before,
so I'd love to see
you in action.
Cool. Great.
Well, I am so impressed by
your range,
and I'm sure that we're going to
get word before the holidays,
so I want you to go and just
enjoy your family.
Same to you.
[Sighs] What did you think?
Five stars. Up high!
[Hands clap]
Thanks for letting me get
that done.
Why aren't you in the new
"Christmas With Jerks" movie?
Just lucky, I guess.
[Christmas music plays]
"All I got for Christmas was
a candy cane!"
I love that line.
You learn the real meaning
of Christmas
after being such a brat.
- [Giggles]
- Yeah.
- Bye.
- bye.
[Car starts]
[Phone crunches]
[Gasp] Ahh!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
[Stressed squeals]
Help me!
Oh god!
My phone!
[Sad cries of defeat]
I don't know how to get
in the house!
[Sad yelp]
["Up on the Housetop" starts]
Up on the housetop
reindeer pause
Out jumps good old
Santa Clause
down through the chimney with
lots of toys
All for the little ones
Christmas joys
Oh, oh, oh,
Who wouldn't go?
Oh, oh, oh,
Where'd the keys go?
Up on the housetop,
click, click, click
Down through the chimney
like old Saint Nick
How you gonna get in the house?
I don't know.
First comes the stocking of
little Nell
Old dear Santa, fill it well
Give her a dolly that
laughs and cries
one that can open and
shut its eyes
Oh, oh, oh
Who wouldn't go?
Oh, oh, oh
Where'd the keys go?
Up on the housetop,
click, click, click
Give them keys
find them quick
Did you try the window?
Look in the stocking of
little Bill
Oh, just see what
a glorious fill
Here is a hammer and
lots of tacks
a whistle, and a ball,
and a whip that cracks
Check the gnome
Check the gnome
There you go
There you go
Up on the housetop,
click, click, click
You found the keys,
yeah, that's sick
[Eve squeals in delight]
Throw a party!
You don't have to climb down
the chimney!
Yeah, baby!
We're gettin' in that house.
Ah huh!
Thank you, gnome.
You don't have to climb
down the chimney
Like Old Saint Nick
[Clink of empty airplane
liquor bottles]
[Clinking of pills]
To family!
Thank God they're not here!
[Suspenseful music plays]
[Dramatic music plays]
[Disappointed Music Plays]
[Relieved Music Plays]
[News Intro Plays]
Social media royalty:
Shadonna Lambert
has landed the coveted lead role
in the reboot of the holiday
classic, "Christmas with Jerks".
DEADLINE previously reported
that the eighties child star
Eve Carter was reprising
her role as "Cookie Jerk",
But it appears the 44 year old
has been replaced
by the 30 year old influencer
with over 10 million followers.
When asked why the recasting
this is what director
Charlie Belflour had to say:
"How could I argue with 10
million people?"
Next up, how young is too
young for Botox?
[Clicks TV off]
[Exhausted sigh]
[Deep relaxing sigh]
[Smaller sigh]
[Sensual music starts]
Touch Me
Oooh, oooh, oooh
[Sensual sigh]
We should be together
The moment's here now
[Sensual gasps]
[Man] You might want to do that
somewhere a little more private.
[Record scratch]
[Eve screams]
Jesus Christ!
Who are you?
Jim's cousin.
Oh, dear God.
No, just "Ace" is fine.
[Deep dramatic sigh]
["First Noel" plays]
Hey, Ace.
Beat it, squirt.
[Dramatic sigh]
You grew up.
You too.
You remember me?
My cousin's in-law is
"Cookie Jerk".
How could I forget?
Will you please do the candy
cane line for me?
No! Why are you here?
I'm dog sitting.
Recovering from surgery.
[Mouths "Oh my god"]
What are you doing here
besides uhh...
I have a mosquito bite.
Is that what the kids are
calling it these days?
I -- I -- I want to wallow in
my misery alone.
with Mickey!
and not be judged by
someone like you.
So get out!
Well if it makes you feel
any better
I'm not that judgy.
This is my sister's house.
She said I could stay here.
And I forgot to confirm
with her but...
It's her house so...
Get out!
Jim asked me to watch the dog,
and I need a bedroom on
the main, so I --
[Eve desperately yelps]
I don't care!
Do I look like I care?
Are you or are you not leaving?
I'm not.
I could pay you.
I don't need your money.
But I'll get you a nice hotel.
I'll get you a nice hotel!
My god!
[Gasps] This is my
sister's house!
and I'm never going back into
the world again.
Or until after Christmas.
[Eve desperately whimpers]
[Ace sighs]
Sorry, Cookie.
I ain't leavin'.
And word to the wise:
If you're going to wallow
in your misery
with your mosquito bite,
make sure you have on underwear.
[Slaps legs closed]
[Eve] Ohh!
Get out!
I don't like you!
[Ace] So good to see you again!
[Eve sighs angrily]
[Woman] Look, I don't care
who stays there
as long as someone takes
care of Mickey.
[Eve] Send me a new phone, Ash!
I'm dying over here!
Happy holidays?
[Ash hangs up]
[Eve clears her throat]
Come on.
Mickey was my mom's dog,
and I'm not leaving.
So you better get
your crap and--
[Christmas jingle plays]
Seven days til Christmas
Oh, no, he did not!
[Blender whirls] ["Helluva
Holiday" plays]
[Woman Singer]
It's pretty hot here for
Or is that just the way you're
making my blood boil?
You put my brain into
a blender
Throw it out before
it spoils
[Man Singer]
It's like I'm living in
a nightmare
And now you've ruined
everything that I enjoy
I'm writing Santa,
this is not fair
[Angrily grunts]
Gonna take away your toys
[both sing]
Helluva Holiday with you
A lump of loathing is
the only thing
You will get under this roof
Helluva Holiday with you
I'll stuff your stocking
And I'll show you where
you can put your tofu
[Woman Singer]
You took the joy from my
But just like spite, I have
a holiday supply
There's nothing cheerful
here about us
And I-- uh...
[Music slows down]
[Windchimes strum]
[Singer] Sweet baby Jesus!
Oh !
[Whispers] My god...
I didn't know anyone actually
looked like this.
[Singer clears throat]
[Sings slowly and awkwardly]
Helluva Holiday with you
I'll stuff your stocking
And I'll show you where
you can put your tofu
extra firm tofu
[Singer] Oh.
[Toaster oven ding]
[Singer sighs deeply]
[Singer shakes it out]
[Singer] Ooh!
[Music speeds back up]
[Singer clears throat]
[Singer] Like I was saying...
[Ace gasps]
Helluva Holiday!
- With you!
- With you!
With you!
Helluva Holiday!
- Holiday with you!
- Holiday!
With you!
[Music changes]
6 days till Christmas
It's getting ugly in here
[Music blares]
- No!
- A lump of loathing
Is the only thing you will get
under this roof
Helluva Holiday with you!
A touch of snow
And then we'll see how long
you're in the bathroom
[Grunts in pain]
Helluva holiday
[Gasps like a fish]
Helluva Holiday with you!
I hate you.
[Singers slide down their note]
[Singers cough in pain]
- [Woman Singer] I hate you.
- [Man Singer] I hate you more.
Oh, my God.
[Phone buzzes]
Yeah. Just uh...
laying low for the holidays.
Uh, January.
Yeah, rehearsals are up
in January.
Oh I'll--
I'll be-- I'll be ready.
That computer working?
Actually, the internet's down.
Can I please borrow your phone
for, like, 2 seconds?
Only if you promise to go
to a hotel.
I need to call my doctor.
My God.
Hey, uh, this is Ace Strong
calling Dr. Arjona back.
Doc! Hey. Hey. Uh...
What's the good news?
Scans look good?
[Laughs nervously]
Right but I'm goin'--
I'm goin' be good to go by
January, right?
I know that
95% of people
need longer to recover from
this, but --
you and I both know I'm not 95%
of people, right?
Doc? I've--
I've been doing my exercises
every day.
and, and then some.
So what happens
if I go through with
filming then?
[Gentle music plays]
Permanent damage?
Oh, okay.
Yeah, umm...
Yeah. Yes.
We should reassess next week.
Talk to you then.
All right.
[High pitched version of "God
Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" plays]
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
[Song continues blaring through
the speakers]
...was born on Christmas Day
Eve! save us all
from Satan's power
What is going on?!
I lost 5 whole pounds!
So I'm baking brownies, Darling!
Can you turn the music down?
Not at all! Au revoir!
[Mouths "Oh my God"]
...comfort and joy
[Ace grunts in pain]
[Ace] No, I got it!
I got it.
Why do you listen
to such bad Christmas music?
I can't find anything else.
There's 11-teen remotes.
[Music cuts off]
Look at that!
My phone hasn't come in.
Can I please borrow yours?
[Laughs condescendingly]
[Phone buzzes]
I need to take this.
Bianca! Hey...
...girl, um...
Yeah, no, uh, you got
my message.
That's awesome, uhh...
I'm... just wanted to
let you know
I'm back in town, and uh...
Yeah, for the next,
next gig...
um, I may or may not
be wearing spandex, so...
Uh-- but-- I was wondering
if you were--
Yeah, no. Cool.
That's... That's cool, uh...
Sure. Whenever. Just...
uh... text me and--
[Gentle Christmas music plays]
Peace in the Middle East?
That's not applicable.
So how did you get hurt?
Driving a car out of
an airplane.
You like this person?
She's my ex.
You want her back?
So what's the big plan, Ace?
Okay, I can help.
but not tonight. Cause I'm
about to be
real messed up and I'm not
trying to go back to jail.
But maana we work on it.
[Slaps leg]
I swear to God.
Eve Carter in "A Matchmaker
for Christmas."
That's actually a great title.
I need to call my agent.
You know what?
- Give me that drink.
- No!
No! You gave this to me!
You-- uh--
Eve! Hey, hey, hey!
Maybe the universe
wants you to disconnect.
Maybe the universe wants
you to fuck off.
[Rings scooter bell]
Hey, that's not funny.
[Rings scooter bell]
[Ace] I'm still healing!
Eve! Don't be a c-- uhh....
[Chuckles sarcastically]
[Ace] Don't be a crone.
You just wait till that cannabis
juice kicks in, fella.
You won't know up from down.
I hope you don't have to pee!
Kay, byeee!
I have to pee so bad.
[Suspenseful music plays]
[drops phone]
Five days 'til Christmas
You're up to no good
[Christmas jingle starts]
Are you ready to fall in love
this Christmas?
Under the mistletoe
Is a kiss on the top of
your wish list?
Well, I know a girl
you should know
She's sugar and spice
Naughty and nice
Waiting under that evergreen
If you're ready to fall in
love this Christmas
Fall in love with me
Is it laced?
With my scorn.
So what'd you do to
run off Kiki?
Ooh la la.
She would say I was a bit...
of a killjoy.
I see that.
I didn't go to this one
influencer thing and...
Didn't feel like faking
in front of a bunch of strangers
and cameras, you know?
[Grunts knowingly]
Yeah. She lives here?
I got an A in stalking in
high school,
and this was long before
the interweb, Mr..
We had to do the legwork.
I once followed a guy all
the way to Lake Lure and--
I got it.
You're insane.
It's almost Christmas.
So what's some stuff
she always does?
Her best friend Crystal
always throws a Christmas Eve
party. Every year.
She gets there early,
stays late.
She always rides me for not
dressing up
for these events either.
And I believe in dressing for
the job that you want,
- and athleisure wear--
- I get it.
You're a schlub.
This is going to work.
You'll go to the party, wear
something spiffy,
get her a little gift,
prepare a few words.
We got this.
We got this?
- You and me?
- Oh yeah.
- You're going to help me?
- Mmhmm.
And you'll...
let me use your phone...
and leave me the house by
Christmas Eve.
So win win.
So what's the big plan, Eve?
[Squeals quietly]
[Eve] No fucking way!
[Brian] She hasn't been offered
the role yet,
but we know she's auditioned.
That's my goddamn part!
And she's-- what? 12?!
Gigi has over a million
[Eve] So I can't even get this
teeny, tiny role
[Brian] Off-OFF-Broadway.
They have, like, 50
seats to fill.
What do they care about
a following like that?
[Brian] Just keep doing what
you're doing.
Lay low.
No mishaps.
And it'll be if it's
meant to be.
[Eve grunts]
[Eve] My agent just--
You don't care.
I hate that shirt and
it hates you.
What? Worse!
Who's your stylist? The Rock?!
What are you? Some kind of...
Muscle Milk...
tuna fish twice a day
tank top lovin' freak?
Eee! Look at this!
Check this suit out.
Pure class.
A grand?!
Is it motorized?!
You get what you pay for.
I'm not paying for anything.
Oh, I kind of already got us
some sushi delivery.
And some saki.
[Gasps] And a Great American
Cookie Company cookie cake!
[Licks lips excitedly]
What is up with you?
It's called self love.
And I'm leaning into it.
And where's your phone?
It's on back order.
But Ashley's sending me
one tomorrow.
I got an idea! BRB.
[Pensive music plays]
["Jingle Bells" plays in
the background]
Pomegranate martinis!
Would you care for a drink, sir?
[Chuckles quietly]
No. I'm watching my figure.
They're sugar free.
But booze forward.
I won't let you snack
after. Promise.
Come on!
I make it a point never to
drink alone...
while someone else is
in the room.
In a less narcissistic life,
I was a mixologist.
Or Donatella Versace!
Yeah, well in a less
dangerous life
I was a gym owner.
Well, now you can be?
What? No!
I'm a stuntman.
You know? It's...
not just what I do.
It's who I am.
Like, you with the acting
thing, right?
Let's not get too personal,
shall we?
I was thinking about getting...
some jewelry?
For Banaca?
Right? Hmm.
[Glasses clink]
[Glasses clink]
[Eve] Okay, I love
these earrings.
They say "I want to do you...
but like...
[Gasps] Maybe in another life
you were a personal shopper.
Well now I can be?
I'll be like Norma Desmond from
"Sunset Boulevard",
but instead of holing up in my
house wooing a younger man,
I'll be helping folks pick
the exact right
pair of cufflinks to wear
to granddaddy's funeral.
Why are you some kind of like...
crazy Auntie Mame hermit
these days?
Oh, my God.
That's like the best compliment
I've ever gotten in my life!
I love that you know that film!
My mom watches movies.
She loved you in
"Operation Octopus".
Nobody liked that movie!
She would leave her singles
cruise in a lifeboat right now
If she knew I was with...
"The Cookie Jerk"
[Loudly blows raspberries]
Oh, I do send that out.
Every year.
Just look at--
[Eve] See, they show that...
and then they show this.
Like, "she used to be sooo cute,
but look at her now."
Like it's a crime getting old!
Yeah, for men too.
It's worse for women.
men can't be weak.
And that's why I picked my
stage name:
Ace Strong.
Stop! It's...
- very on the nose.
- It's very on the nose!
[Both drunkenly giggle]
Okay, okay.
But if you could go back,
would you turn down the role?
So we're getting personal?
Shall we?
No, I mean,
I love being on set.
but then I'd go back and learn
how to direct. You know?
like Spielberg it as a teenager.
Tell the stories.
So do it now.
[Eve whines]
It's hard.
- And I'm just--
- Don't.
- I'm too old to start!
- No!
- No, I am!
- Nooo!
No! Stop! You--
You bought in! You're--
You're ageist against yourself.
No! Uh--
[Ace grunts]
What about you, tough guy?
- Huh?
- What?
Your ankle's pretty messed up.
I am in the best shape
of my life.
Okay? Doctor says the word.
I'm back on track.
And if not?
I just need a couple good years.
When you don't get hurt?
You know, then maybe I can
get into stunt coordinating.
I just need to...
you know, make a name for
myself first.
But if not there's like
other things people like
you can do, right?
"People like me"?
train their whole lives
care for their body, and...
then have the best
opportunity of their career
only to have a freak accident?
No, this is wh...
what I was born to do.
You're scared to reinvent
And so am I.
'Cause I'm old!
[They laugh]
I have bursitis!
and my skin is retreating
from my neck!
Stop laughing!
It's not funny!
It's real.
Nobody thinks this is sexy.
And guess what?
I'm right there with them.
I want to hump some 18
year olds too!
I maybe just don't want to have
to talk to 'em after.
'Cause all my jokes are from
30 year old films and TV.
I can quote the hell out of
some "Full House"
and I want someone to
appreciate that.
Stop laughing!
Come here, baby. Kiss me under
this mistletoe
Hey, can you um...
pass me some gingersnaps?
No! No, no!
A promise is a promise, Sparky.
And we are on a crash diet
for Kimmy Gibbler's
birthday party.
[Both giggle]
See? [Giggles] See what I did?
It was good.
[Sighs] Okay.
Can you get yourself home
alright, partner?
Believe so.
[Eve] Okay.
["Robot Boy" plays]
Wind you up, boy
Get your gears going
Hey now, hey now, hey now
As I pull your little string
Make you say
the nicest thing
Oh! Oh, hey now, hey
now, hey now
If could have my way
You'd be my robot baby
Hey now, hey now, hey now
'Cause you're better than
a boyfriend
Who would take my heart
and pretend
to stay now
Hey now, hey now
Robot boy, hey,
Beep boop, beep boop
beep boop
Robot boy. Sing it loud!
Beep boop, Beep boop,
beep boop
I try
to believe in love before
But it leaves me
wanting more
have tried
to fall in love again
But it always hurts my
All I need is a Robot Boy
'Cause he will bring me joy
And I know he won't
break my heart
like the other boys
did before
Robot Boy, hey
Beep boop, beep boop,
beep boop
Robot Boy, hey
Beep boop, beep boop,
beep boop
Robot Boy, hey!
Beep boop, beep boop,
beep boop
Robot Boy. Everybody
at home!
Beep boop, beep boop,
beep boop
["Robot Boy" plays on a speaker]
[Vibrator buzzes]
[Transition music]
4 Days 'til Christmas
Girl, you do you
[Swish sounds]
[Singer] Yeah!
[Christmas jingle]
Not sure you're famous enough
for the wig and glasses.
What are you going to say to
her when you see her?
Set the scene for me.
She's there looking
all gorgeous,
surrounded by people full of
holiday cheer.
You're there.
Sharp suit, Grinch face.
What are you going to
say, Hot Shot?
Hey, uh, Bianca... I--
[Buzzer sound]
[Deep voice] Uhh, hey Bianca.
What's up, girl?
That's not what I sound like.
No, you got to be suave.
Sweep her off her feet.
You know?
Sweep her...
up onto your scooter.
I want to tell her
that this accident
put a lot of things into
perspective for me?
that I'm willing to be
more flexible.
Li-- listen...
to her?
Yeah. Yeah, that's good.
Oh that--
"That's good"?
No snark from Eve Carter?
Why are you saying my whole name
like you're from TMZ?
Maybe you can segue into
tabloid host.
[Gasps] You're here live with
Ace Strong,
former stunt man,
current gossip king of
Avondale Estates.
We're outside the home of...
some famous asshole
just trying to live their life
in peace.
Let's see if we can
catch a glimpse
of their greasy hair whilst
they haul their
recycling bin full of vodka
bottles to the curb!
I'll give this a whirl.
You take this.
Don't stare at me like that.
I just don't want to have to
piggyback your ass to the house.
You are 100% going to
piggyback my ass to the house.
No, sir. I will leave
you on the ground.
[Sensual music plays]
[Music cuts out]
Oh, Jesus!
How long have you been there?
[Grunts "I don't know"]
What uh--
What do you think?
You look really nice.
"Really nice"?
Mm hmm.
Yeah, but you kind of look like
a pallbearer.
You need some Ace flair.
[Doorbell rings]
What the hell does that mean?
[Makes gun sound]
[Angels sing]
[Eve] Eeeek!
[Camera snaps]
[Growls angrily]
[Ace] Happy Hour starting...
I can't remember my passwords,
except for my Nordstrom
password, 'cause I'm a lady.
Oh, good.
What are you missing out on?
I'm trying post a photo of
this beauty.
[Angels sing]
Take a picture of it.
I'm trying to post a photo so
people can see it.
Like my sister who gave
it to me.
She knows what a cake
looks like.
Okay, but it's me saying
I'm grateful.
So call her and tell her.
Okay, also
I'd get like 3000 likes.
It's called social capital.
If someone likes you,
you're more appealing to others.
People would be all
impressed by your
big pretty cake
and think more highly of you?
Bianca was into the same
stuff. It's nuts.
You know none of this means
anything, right?
It might mean the difference
between me getting my dream
job or not.
Eve, why didn't--
Why didn't you say that?
Let me help you out.
- Like.
- Stop that.
- Stop!
- Like.
[Whispers] Like, like.
- Like, like.
- You know what?
Nobody likes you.
[Grunts knowingly]
See that's why I'm not on
the socials.
It's ugly out there.
you can't have any of my cake.
I don't want any of
your damn cake!
It's coconut.
[Ace] Even more reason!
[Music from "Scrooge" plays]
[Ace crunches loudly]
Sure you don't want some?
[Both laugh]
You have--
You have frosting--
- No.
- Did I get it?
No. It's on the other side.
[Ace] Stop!
[Laughs] You look so dumb. Stop.
[Eve] Thanks.
[Ace] Yeah.
[Mickey licks icing]
[Ace] Thanks, buddy.
["Scrooge" ending music plays]
[Ace sighs]
[Eve gasps quietly]
[Quietly sniffs]
[Transition music]
3 Days 'til Christmas
Oh, he smells so good!
[Stunt music plays]
[Eve cackles]
["Christmas With Jerks" plays]
[Eve] Charlie Belfour...
The-- the director?
He's an [bleep] hole!
[Ace chuckles]
[Eve] You know they titled it
"Christmas with MORE Jerks"
Tha-- the title!
[Eve cackles]
That movie is gonna blow!
[Man VO] All Cookie Jerk wanted
for Christmas
was a Punky Brewster doll.
[Cookie Jerk] Jiminy Christmas!
This eggnog is disgusting!
[Man VO] And that little jerk
would stop at nothing
until she got one.
Her family will follow her
all over New York City
until they find her.
[Cookie Jerk & Ace] All I got for
Christmas is a candy cane!
[Blows raspberries]
[Man VO] And in the meantime,
they just might find
the true meaning of Christmas.
Christmas with Jerks
[Woman] Now...
take off your clothes.
[Camera snaps]
[Woman] Now do exactly as I say.
Turn to the left.
[Camera snaps]
Now turn to the right.
[Camera snaps]
We are going to indicate
incision sites.
Areas to be altered.
As well as those to be avoided
when you get here.
But this will save some time.
[Doctor] Okay, we can straighten
out your nose
when we do the rest of
your face.
And, uh...
What about your earlobes?
My earlobes?
Yes. Most patients prefer to
have the detached earlobes.
I can do this for you,
no problem.
And you mentioned some
syndactyly in your digits?
Some webbed toes?
Oh, yeah. [Laughs]
Careful, doc. They're the reason
I'm a fast swimmer.
Oh, wow.
I-- I see you have sizable
bunions as well.
Uh, that's okay. That's--
That's-- That's not-- uh--
That's not good.
But I can take care of both of
these for you.
They don't hurt.
Just wait.
And in the meantime,
we can take care of these
unsightly bumps, hmm?
Okay, uh, you haven't mentioned
labiaplasty, but I'm
seeing some--
Oh, no, no, no, no.
My girl is perfect just
the way she is.
We're doing some
incredible things
in vaginal rejuvenation for
women of
advanced age.
Could I just get an itemization
of the costs?
Of course.
Do you have any more
questions for me?
Is it going to hurt?
For sure!
Pain is painful, right?
[Doctor laughs]
[Ace winces]
[Yelps in pain]
[Panicked breathing]
[Pained breathing]
[Metal version of "Deck
the Halls" plays in earbuds]
[Classic "Deck the Halls" plays
on the speaker]
You having a party?
Christmas comes, but
once a year!
That's quite a dress.
This old thing?
It's a family tradition.
My mom always did a big hors
d'oeuvres night
before Christmas.
She was a teacher,
and her students would bring
her little treats.
And we'd cover the table in 'em
and it was like...
snack roulette.
I'm telling a story.
Take the champs.
And she'd put out all
the presents they gave her.
you know, like pot holders and
stuff with little apples on it.
But this one year,
she had a student and she said,
he didn't have anything
to give her.
So the day before break,
he brings her this dress
in a beat up old box.
And it was his mom's.
And it was the nicest thing
they could think to give her.
That was the Christmas after
my dad died.
And we all just cried about
it the whole night.
And said how he would've cried
too, you know?
And then my mom would wear it
every year after.
I think to show up for us.
You know?
For her life.
Ashley inherited it, so--
My dad...
died last year.
Does it get easier?
Okay, uh...
Why didn't she
return the dress?
She tried!
They wouldn't take it back. Aw!
[Oven dings]
[Eve gasps] Okay!
That's my crab Rangoon.
Do not be a scrotum!
[Eve] Eat my Rangoon.
It's delicious.
[Eve's wand buzzes]
[Turns off wand]
["Robot Boy" ringtone rings]
Beep boop, beep boop
beep boop. Robot Boy,
sing it now!
[Brian] Eve Carter.
What are you up to?
You've gotten 2,000 new
followers in 24 hours?
Who is this mystery man?
Wait for it.
I'm just laying low and proving
I'm the best person
for the role of Emma, darling!
I'm a matchmaker at heart.
[Brian] Well...
Can't hurt.
Follow along, dear.
I have a plan!
[Transition music]
2 Days 'til Christmas
Ew, ew, ew, you better wash
those hands!
[Quietly opens the door]
[Camera snaps]
[Clears throat loudly]
[Coughs loudly]
[Stomps feet]
[Clears throat loudly]
[Bangs door loudly]
Oh?! Were you still sleeping?
I need...
a full 9 when I'm recovering.
You got 10 minutes.
Time's a wasting.
[Claps excitedly]
Come on, Mickey!
[Eve] Let's go!
For what?!
["Fall in
Love This Christmas" plays]
Ready to fall in love this
Fall in love with me
Jam' on!
You are going to make sure
that Brit Brit knows you're
ready to party.
What are you doing?
Texting her.
What are you writing?
Are you going to be at Crystal's
tomorrow night?
[Deep voice] "Do you still
like me?"
"Check yes or no."
She ended things
because you're no fun.
I'm not flexible?
I mean, physically, I am
very flexible.
Alright, maybe not
emotionally, though.
So what we need to do is let
her know you've changed
So by the time you see her,
she's gagging for it.
I don't think you can say things
like that anymore.
Yeah, I can.
But you certainly shouldn't.
Pull up Instagram.
It got hacked a while
back, but I
think the account is
still there?
Okay, let's roll.
Hey, guys, uh...
long time no see.
At the request of a friend,
uh, I wanted to let you know
I'm back in town!
I'd love to see you.
Grab a holiday nosh.
Yeah. So hit me up!
[Recording stops]
I cannot say "nosh".
I'm not one of the Golden Girls.
That was good energy, though.
This time
say "drink" instead of
"nosh" and...
give me a little devilish
grin at the end.
You know I'm not
an actor, right?
Yeah, I can tell.
[Eve's camera snaps]
[Ace] Hey guys! Long
time no see.
At the request of a friend...
[Scooter bell rings]
She watched my video!
She watched my video!
[Eve squeals]
- Yes!
[Happy sounds]
Windmill it out!
Come on!
I can't do that!
[Phone dings]
Hey, come here.
Crystal texted!
Hey! Crystal-- Crystal texted.
The friend?
What'd she say?
Come to my Dog and Nog.
Hot dogs and eggnog. It's--
It's a thing.
You're so gross!
Let's celebrate.
Ashley told me how to turn on
the hot tub.
Come on, let's go!
We'll do some swimming.
What? What?
Come on, come on.
Hop up. Hop up. Hop up!
Who could say no to that?
Let's go!
[Eve] Angela Merkel,
Melania Trump,
or Michelle Obama?
Oh, clear winner.
I gotta marry Michelle.
It's a trick question.
Don't marry anyone.
Just be with someone
and be good to them
for as long
as you both shall live.
Did you ever tie the knot?
I almost got married
for the wrong reasons
Why didn't you pull the trigger?
I think I needed to
grow up some.
Hashtag spinster life.
[Ace grunts]
Did you ever
tie the knot?
Too busy working.
like the nomad life.
You can work around the clock at
a big muscle gym!
[Chuckles] "A big muscle gym"?
[Eve] Mmhmm.
And have tuna fish
and wheatgrass Happy Hours
every Friday morning at 5 a.m.
after boot camp.
That actually sounds
pretty great.
Ew! You're the worst.
But I do need to get back to
the gym in the new year.
No! You're the worst.
People like you!
Always waiting 'til the New Year
"New Year's resolutions"
"Diet starts on Monday."
No, it's now!
Doesn't matter anyway because
I'm getting a full body
tuneup, toot sweet.
I'm getting a little NJ and
a pick me up.
I don't speak Rodeo Drive.
Uh, liposuction,
some lifts and a nose job.
Is it?
I never had any work done
because I was Cookie Jerk
for 35 fucking years
and then they shot the reboot
without me!
They hired an influencer
to play my role with my
film family.
I don't think I need to look
like Cookie anymore!
[They giggle]
It got loud.
It got really loud.
go for what you want, Eve.
But do it on your terms.
you know...
Don't carve yourself up like
a Christmas ham
and expect to be happy after.
[Bursts into laughter]
Christmas ham?!
That's going to be the title
of my memoir.
Or my band name! Aw!
[Cups clank]
[Drunken cackles]
[Eve] So I whipped my shirt off,
and I had
the world's oldest bra on
like cotton clamshells
from the fifties. I had borrowed
it from my mother.
But I was going to do
it with my crush,
and then he whispered,
"You're moving too fast."
You did not get laid?
Oh, aw!
I wish!
I was on this TV show
out in Arizona,
and there was this woman on set.
God, she was gorgeous.
I was so nervous to talk to her.
But I finally got the chance
to make out with her, right?
But I had had so much
Jack Daniels
that by the time...
that it was time...
No boner?
Taffy pull.
[Eve] That's not good!
She didn't look me in
the eyes again.
[Eve] Aww!
There is one person I still
think about from time to time.
You know, my uh...
You know, 'cause my--
my body said he was
something special.
And your brain?
Said we might kill each other.
[Both giggle]
Should you track him down?
God, no. I mean, I did,
years ago. But--
He's married.
Two kids.
Kinda looks like a...
stodgy old man now.
So he got--
[Eve] I know, I know.
But he doesn't look
like fun old.
He looks like
an angry Santa. You know?
Why'd you call it quits?
Well, I think he loved me,
but he didn't like me.
And what is not to like?
[Cups clank]
[Eve] Okay!
But let's talk about true love.
[Ace grunts]
Let's talk about...
Bianca! It's Bianca!
Come on!
Does your body just know?
- I think so.
- Yeah?
All right, well...
that's it for me.
[Ace] Okay.
[Eve] I should've had some agua.
- Here.
- Here. Get--
- No!
- No! Eve! Eve!
[Both grunt and laugh]
[Ace] Ow!
You okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
[Eve blows hair]
[Ace blows hair]
[Both giggle]
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- It's not okay.
We're just a little drunk.
I'm crazy, but I try to never be
a complete douche.
[Chuckles] You're not
a complete douche.
maybe a partial douche?
'Kay, I'm gonna...
Can you, uh--
- Okay.
- Oh, hey.
[Old man voice]
"Chin up, Cookie."
Are you doing movie lines on me?
[Eve scoffs and grunts]
[Deep sigh]
[Sad music plays]
[Transition music]
1 Day 'Til Christmas
Girl, what did you do?
[Grunts sadly]
[Grunts in pain]
[Painfully chuckles]
[Deep sigh]
[Sneaky music plays]
["We Wish You a Merry Christmas
plays in the store]
Hi. Did you find
everything okay?
I did.
are you Cookie Jerk?
I'm Cookie Jackass now.
I knew it!
I almost didn't recognize
you because...
Got tall?
[Camera snaps]
[Gentle rock music plays]
[Door slams]
That's why they call me...
Ace Strong.
[Screams dramatically]
Okay, can't do that yet.
Can't do that yet.
That's okay.
You big old dirty slut!
I cannot believe you tried
to bone Ace!
I thought you were done with
love and going out in public.
[Eve] I am.
[Ash] Yeah, clearly.
Where are you right now?
In Jim's car,
in front of the house.
[Both cackle]
Are you done?
Oh, I am never going to let
you live this one down.
Absolutely not, Sister.
Do you have the coconut cake?
I already ate it.
I got something else.
[Ash] Light her up!
Okay, done.
Happy birthday, Baby Girl.
- I love you.
- I love you.
[Ash] Okay now, Evie,
say the words.
I don't feel like it today.
I'm not asking.
I'm thankful for my birthday.
[Eve] And every day.
I'm thankful for the chance
to get older.
that some people never get.
[Ash] Mmhmm.
I'm thankful for my family
and friends.
And this here red
velvet cupcake!
[Ash giggles]
[Ash] Mmhmm!
Get a big old bite, Sister!
Mmm, that's good.
Oh, Jesus.
That's rude.
[Ash] What? Is somebody there?
[Ash] Show me. Show me!
[Ash] Hey! You big jerkface!
Why don't you
- back the fuck up?
- Stop!
I'm still trying to
get that job!
Why do you think I've been doing
all these posts about Ace?
What are you talking about?
I'm growing my following the old
fashioned way.
Lots of cryptic posts
about love.
[Ash] Oh, my God.
You got to take these
down right now.
I can't.
They've got shitloads of views.
I can't believe you'd do
this to him.
What? It's fine.
He's not even online.
Right! But the studio people
that hired him are!
And you can clearly tell it's
him in this last one.
[Eve scoffs]
- I cannot believe
you'd do this!
Ashley, it's fine.
No, it is not.
Do you even know why he's alone
for the holidays?
He's recovering from surgery.
Right, and he doesn't
want anyone
to know so he can keep
his next job.
It's a big one, Evie.
I would think you of all people
would respect his privacy.
Ash?! Don't "Ash" me. Look.
Take that shit down. Now.
I got to go.
Take that shit down now.
[Ash hangs up]
[Eve scoffs]
Oh, Jesus. [Sighs]
[Shower turning off]
[Christmas transition
music plays]
Brian, talk to me.
[Brian] So, down to business.
You didn't get the role of Emma.
What? Why?
I have thousands of new
[Brian] Andrea saw your last
post and said it's no bueno.
But we'll get the next one.
[Brian hangs up]
[Eve screams]
[Text dings]
[Ace] What do you think, Coach?
It's better.
[Ace] Yeah?
Long time fanboy, huh?
Suits you.
The red.
You know, I could drive
you over there.
She doesn't live that far away.
Oh, my buddy's waiting for
me out front.
uh, so the house is yours.
Oh, and
I, uh,
I got you something.
Hey, do you remember the first
time we met?
I was kind of a bitch, I guess.
No you weren't.
["First Noel" plays]
[Ace] I was trying to get a kiss
from Riley Tippet.
[Little Ace sighs]
[Young Eve] Hey, Ace?
You know what my Mimi
always says?
The bus comes along
every 10 minutes.
What does that mean?
[Laughs] It means you'll be
a heartbreaker
after puberty.
[Young Eve chuckles]
Beat it, squirt.
[Little Ace] Puberty.
And I have been
a Cookie Jerk fan
ever since.
You were...
I was young and full of myself.
So be old and full of yourself.
I'm full of something.
All right,
beat it, squirt.
Eve, I--
Ace, actually I want to tell
you something.
[Ace's phone dings]
The other night,
I was so messed up.
You've been posting about me?
That's what I wanted
to tell you.
See, that wasn't even about you.
- It's just that--
- Eve, what the hell?
Why would you do this?
Listen, I--
I don't want to hear it.
[Car honks]
[Deep sigh]
["Quiet in Little Five" plays]
It's Christmas Eve in
the city
And all around the world
["Quiet in Little Five" plays on
the party speaker]
...wish good will
towards man
Hey, you.
Can I grab you a nog?
I'm sorry.
Where's Ace?
He only drinks raw eggs and
lives in dry fit.
[They chuckle]
I'm trying to do things
a little different.
It's good to see you.
[Somber music plays]
[Phone rings]
[Man] Eve Carter.
Hey, you calling to yell at me
again on Christmas Eve?
I got my kids on
the speakerphone
so they can hear everything.
No, Charlie.
[Charlie] Well look, "Christmas
with More Jerks"
wasn't quite right without
you, kid.
Shadonna, it turns out,
is quite the "Sha-diva".
So that's on me.
- Can you forgive me?
- Maybe. Listen,
I need a favor.
["Fall In Love This Christmas"
plays in the background]
...under the mistletoe
[indistinct chatter]
Is a kiss on the top of
your wish list?
Well I know a girl
you should know
She's sugar and spice
Naughty and nice
What are you doing here?
What? Came to finish the job,
just needed an audience?
Go ahead. Just do it to my face.
I don't even have my phone.
Sorry if I don't believe you.
That's fair.
Who's this?
Cookie Jerk!
[Blows raspberries loudly]
[Bianca] Oh, my gosh!
[Giggles] Let's take a selfie!
[Camera snaps]
Why are you here, Eve?
I just wanted to make sure
you got here okay.
And you did.
You're doing great!
So I'm just going to go.
I screwed up.
I was so focused on
what I wanted
I wasn't even thinking
about you.
I just wanted you out of
that house.
But somebody told me recently
that if I wanted something,
I should go for it on my terms.
But the thing is,
right now,
all I want...
is just a little more
time with you.
[Man] Ooh!
[Lips smack]
Thank you.
[Man] Mistletoe!
Who is next?
- Come on.
- We-- We talked about this.
Simon, consent.
Okay, Well, I--
[Crystal] Are you okay?
She's, like,
obsessed with you.
so sad.
She's sugar and spice
But she's not asking twice
Waiting under
that evergreen tree
If you're ready to fall in
love this Christmas
Fall in love with me
[Brian] You're saying no?
Andrea saw that viral
party video.
She wants you now for Emma.
And your passing?!
Is this some kind of midlife
crisis thing now?
[Brian] But you're bailing on
the plastic surgery trip?
Well, I'm still going to
get my Botox.
'Cause I'm not an animal.
And Andrea said I could
shadow her
while she directs Emma
this summer.
[Brian] So you want to
direct now?
[Brian scoffs]
I'm getting whiplash over here.
Look, I got to get back
to my family.
Yeah, of course.
[Brian] Let's talk next week.
Maybe you'll come to
your senses.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you, too.
[Rock version of
"Auld Lang Syne" plays]
Group shot! [giggles]
Here, like this.
[Camera snaps]
[Ladies giggle]
Next stop, Claremont Rooftop?
[Both] Havana Club!
[Ladies giggle]
let's just go to a bar.
["Auld Lang Syne" continues]
Why, Satan? Why?!
["Christmas with Jerks" plays
on the speaker]
Christmas With Jerks
[Woman] Gross.
[Ace chuckles]
[Phone buzzes]
Hey, Mac.
Yeah, you saw the post.
Look, I'm-- I'm really sorry.
Wait, what?
They want to offer me what?
["Santa, You're the Man" plays]
Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!
[Electric guitar solo]
Oh, tell me do you want to get
down tonight?
Do the Christmas boogie and
it feels alright
Santa, let the music move
your feet
Feel the eternal rhythm to
the crazy beat
Aren't you tired of driving
that same old sleigh?
You deserve a night to just
play, play, play
No one's going to miss you for
an hour or so
Come on, Santa! Let
yourself go
[Ace] Eve?
[Eve screams]
- [Ace] Oh shit!
Uh, sorry! Sorry!
Eve, thank you.
I know you made some
calls for me.
I get to stay in the multiverse.
going to let me coordinate.
Are you sad you won't be in
the spandex?
[Ace chuckles]
Uh, with the higher rate I think
I'll survive.
You know, I was--
I was getting dressed.
My ankle.
I wasn't driving a car out
of a plane.
I was getting dressed.
Got my foot caught in my
underwear, and
I tripped.
I guess I'm....
- I guess I'm getting--
- Old?
Well, [sighs]
today's my birthday.
I really like your suit.
She wanted you back.
She just...
doesn't really like me.
What's not to like?
["I Just Want to Be With You For
Christmas" plays]
You know my body says you're
something special.
And your brain?
Says we might kill each other.
Oh, we're definitely going to
kill each other.
I just want to be with
you for Christmas
Wrap you up in a big red bow
All I got for Christmas was
a candy cane.
[Sensually blows raspberries]
[Ace] Oh, my God.
You did the line! [laughs]
You did the line, and you made
it naughty.
You are
I couldn't agree more.
[Eve gasps]
- [Ace] Oh, no! Going down!
- [Eve screams]
[Ace grunts and laughs]
You okay?
I'm Ace.
[Eve groans]
[Ace chuckles]
Come on and fill my
Christmas stocking
Turn on all my
Christmas lights
I'm going to need to piggy back
your ass to the bed, aren't I?
[Both giggle]
Here we go!
[Transition music starts]
Hallelu- uu- uuu - ujah!
Christmas came
for real.
[Both gasp]
Merry Christmas, Eve.
[Deep sigh]
[Both catch their breath]
Uh oh.
Found your little friend.
Her name is Maude.
And she could be
your friend too.
[Vibrator buzzes]
[Vibration increases]
[Vibration increases]
- Ooh! Oh, okay!
- [Eve giggles]
- You big old dirty slut!
- [Eve screams]
[Buzzing continues]
I knew it.
[Both] Merry Christmas?
You're buying me new sheets.
Both of you.
[Burst into laughter]
Does this have other settings?
[Vibration changes]
- Ohh!
- Oh, my God!
[Ace] Oh, it goes faster!
Oh, hello.
[Both giggle]
[Angels sing]
Christmas With Jerks
["Christmas with Jerks" plays]
Christmas With Jerks
Christmas With Jerks
Christmas With Jerks
Christmas With Jerks
Christmas With Jerks
Christmas With Jerks
Christmas With Jerks
Christmas With Jerks
Christmas With Jerks
Christmas With Jerks
Christmas With Jerks
Christmas With Jerks
Christmas With Jerks
Christmas With Jerks
Christmas With Jerks
Christmas With Jerks