Christmess (2023) Movie Script
1
Hello.
Chris?
Doctor's waiting.
Big day for you, Chris?
You should be really proud of yourself.
Not everyone makes it through first time.
It's really commendable.
Right, so do I get in a ward or something?
Yeah.
Another shot at life.
No bigger ward than that, is there?
Is a member of your family coming to
collect you?
No.
No, I told you there's no family.
I told you that in our sessions.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yes, you did.
My agent's coming.
Ah.
I see.
And where will you stay?
Some halfway house somewhere.
Nick runs it.
Nick?
Yeah, Nick.
My new sponsor.
Doug fell off the wagon.
Oh, Nick.
Yeah.
Oh, he's hard.
Oh, but fair.
Yeah, that's what I've heard.
I wonder, Chris, if you've thought about
what you will do now.
Yeah.
Yeah, my agent's going to put me up for a
Christmas Panama.
I know that the
Australian Panos are pretty
lame, but anyway, I've
got to start somewhere.
No, no, no.
I meant, how are you feeling about going
back out into the world?
I don't know.
Probably about as happy as the world is to
have me back.
Just remember, Christmas can be very hard
for everyone.
If you put the same amount of focus and
care that you put onto your characters,
show yourself, you'll be fine.
OK, Chris?
All right.
Be kind to yourself.
Take it easy.
One day at a time.
Merry Christmas, Chris.
It's Mike, the message.
Yeah, screw you, Mike.
Bloody hell.
Hey, Nick!
Nick, it's Chris!
Chris Flint!
Shit!
That's for breaking Janice.
Who?
Janice Joplin, my favourite pop plant.
You've known your plant?
Yeah.
I know my body parts too.
And my car.
I just sell it to pay for rehab,
but I'm going to get it back.
OK.
And do you have a towel?
No.
I air dry.
Of course.
Who are you?
I'm Joy.
And you're Chris.
So where's Nick?
He's down at the shelter.
We were expecting you hours ago.
Yeah.
My ride just stood me up.
You know, it's courtesy to let people know
ahead of time if you're going to be late.
Yeah, I was going to surprise him,
but my phone ran out of battery, so...
It certainly gave me a surprise.
I almost caught the cops when I saw you
laying naked out here.
Are you saying you're inside the whole
time?
He smashed through the window,
so bloody hot out here.
Then I really would have called the cops.
Why didn't you?
I recognise you from the telly.
Who are you again?
Joy.
You live here?
Yeah.
Nick's my sponsor.
What?
Nick is my sponsor?
Nick is my sponsor.
Cool.
No, it's not cool.
Are you jealous your sponsor is two-timing
you?
No, don't be silly.
It's just... There
are so many people.
It's just who he is.
No, I just thought...
You are special?
No.
Dude, you are not special.
There are a tonne of messed up people and
they come out of the woodwork at Christmas.
Are you coming or what?
I don't know how long you've been here
for.
Coming on a year.
Last Christmas wasn't a very merry one for
me.
But, things are looking a little cheery
this year, thanks to Nick.
Alright, this is the shower.
Danny, and this is you here.
I'm just next door.
This is Nick's room, but whatever you do,
you're not going to Nick's room.
Unless you've got some sort of death wish.
You got a death wish, Chris?
Ah, no, no, no.
Good.
Well, who owns all this shit?
Oh, this is Niamh's.
She died.
What?
I'm kidding.
She moved out.
Well, technically, she was kicked out.
I keep waiting for her to come get her
stuff, but I reckon she's coming.
And why was she kicked out?
She broke rule number three.
That's rule number three.
She lied.
Lied to Nick and you were gone,
mate.
Right.
Any other rules?
Oh, yeah, like no drugs or booze,
no stealing or lying, clean up after
yourself, no fornicating or housemates,
just generally be a good person.
Can you hand her that?
Fan doesn't work.
Oh, yeah, you'll discover that about a lot
of stuff around here.
You learned to adapt.
You know you can boil water with an own?
I did not know that.
Thanks for the tip.
Sure.
Okay.
Well, I will leave you to it.
Stay next to your little diva.
Hey, hope you like a meatless lasagna.
Who doesn't?
I'm vegan.
Yeah, of course you are.
Do you want a drink?
I meant water.
Or soda string?
Picked one off from Audi and I love it.
No, no, tap water's fine.
Okay.
Thank you.
By the way, if you take turns cooking,
what's your go-to dish?
I don't know.
You can't cook, can't you?
Yeah, I can cook.
It's just that I am.
You don't?
It just gets a bit boring cooking for one,
you know.
Well, now you won't be bored.
Good point.
So, come on, what's your signature dish?
Every boy's got to have at least one
specialty.
I don't know.
Look, you might have a bit of a think
about it.
I mean, you can.
Just don't take too long.
Because you're rusted on tomorrow,
right?
Really?
And who makes the roster?
Me?
Of course.
Oh, okay.
For the foot.
Thanks.
So, who's stood you up today?
Hey.
You're right.
Who's a no-show?
I'm gonna be my agent.
He's, um... Well, sometimes he
can be a right, proper dick, you know.
Hey, I've been thinking about getting an
agent for my music.
Any advice?
All agents are evil.
But they are kind of a necessary evil,
so...
Yeah, they're always there when you're hot
and when you're not.
They just disappear into thin air.
You know, not long ago I had a UK agent,
US agent, and a publicist manager,
attorney.
Now I've got nothing.
Hey, it's not true.
You got Nick, and you got me.
That's a good point.
And I got really, really grateful too,
I really am.
I could never be an actor.
I could never remember all the lines.
I have a hard enough time remembering my
own song lyrics.
It's harder to get older.
And there's all the drug and alcohol
abuse, so...
Must be a real head fuck.
Like, being someone else all the time, how
do you ever get to know who you really are?
There's a reason I'm an addict.
Not surprised.
I dated an actress once.
Yeah, how'd that go?
Oh, never again.
She was so self-absorbed and needy.
Like, so needy, oh my God.
Sounds about right.
I dated an actor too.
He was even worse.
Never stopped talking about himself,
looking in the mirror.
That also sounds about right.
Have you ever been with a guy?
No, can't say I have not.
What about Chris O'Donnell?
It was a movie.
We were acting.
It looked pretty convincing to me.
What can I say?
I'm a pretty good actor.
Not that good.
I better check on dinner.
Hey, Nick.
It's nice of you to finally join us.
Ta-da.
What the hell is that meant to be?
The fruit shop was throwing it out.
Yeah, they were throwing it out because
it's dead, mate.
It's dying.
It's not dead.
There's no one better than me at rescuing
dying things.
Besides, she only needs to make it through
to Christmas.
Good luck with that.
It's over a week away.
Well, stop being such a grinch,
will you?
Bit of tinsel, star on top.
I reckon she'll bring this house some
Christmas cheer.
I reckon we can all do with some cheer
around here.
He was almost, whoa, that is the ugliest
tree I've ever seen.
Is it dead?
You will be if you don't open the door.
It's shedding.
Is it supposed to do that?
No, no, it's not.
So what are you going to call it?
Chris!
Ho, ho, ho.
Maybe it just needs some water.
Sticky tape, more like it.
Still has that smell, though.
Ain't nothing better than the smell of a
real Christmas tree.
Reminds me of my dad.
You know, when I was a young fella,
we used to go and get a real Christmas
tree and decorate it together every
Christmas.
That was before we checked out.
Hey, Chris, I think there's a suitcase of
decorations up in the roof.
Why don't you climb up there after dinner
and grab it?
Well, I'd love to, but sadly, I hurt my
foot today.
I'll do it.
You can put your foot down.
Ow!
Joy, what do you say you get your guitar
out and treat us with Christmas tunes?
I am.
Oh, God, really?
Yeah, it might, you know, help get us into
the spirit a little bit.
Yeah, look, no offense, but normally when
the guitar comes out at a party,
it's a bit of a punish, ain't it?
Oh, don't you worry.
She doesn't, sir.
FYI, I've sat through your
cheesy Christmas movie every
year since God knows how
old and that really is a punish.
No, it's true.
It's a terrible movie and I'm awful in it.
It makes love actually look like the
Godfather.
I love love, actually.
You just love Christmas.
Yeah, it's true.
So, what's the best Christmas flick ever
made?
Uh, Elf?
No, Die Hard.
I've never seen it.
Never seen Die Hard?
Nope.
You should make another Christmas movie
and call it Try Hard.
I thought people were supposed to be nice
to each other at Christmas time.
Oh, that's right.
You've only just met me.
You said Lena okay?
Yeah, yeah.
Joy showed me around.
She's pretty thorough.
Yeah.
She was excited you were coming.
Really?
Me too.
So, Joy explained all the house rules to
them.
Have any issues with them?
No.
You sure?
Yeah.
Good.
What are you going to cook for us tomorrow
night?
I don't know.
I'm still thinking about it.
It's going to be pretty hard to talk
tonight.
Joy's a good cook.
Hey, what you saying about me?
No, I'm just saying you're a good cook.
Wait, do you hear my music?
Can't wait.
All right, what do you guys want to hear?
An original or a cover?
You've got an original Christmas song.
Uh-huh.
It's called Empty Chair.
Sounds cheery.
My name said it was a Happy Christmas
song.
So it's not Jingle Bells now.
I've never heard of that.
Oh, shit.
I've never played anyone famous before.
I was waiting for you there, standing
behind your favourite chair.
But you should hold my hand when I could
barely walk or even stand.
So come on home.
I can't believe that you're gone.
Yeah, come on home.
It's the end of the year and I'm alone.
Yeah, come on home.
Cos this house feels so tired and empty
when you're now.
Piss off, there's no one here.
So, how are we feeling?
One to ten.
Maybe a four.
Yeah.
Well, that's good.
We can work with that.
Hmm.
What do you need?
Drink.
Can't help you there.
Bump.
Work with me, Chris.
Well, how about some air conditioning,
eh?
Of course, it's so hot I'm fucking blood
spanked.
Yeah, well, Prater can't help you there
either.
Not now, Joy.
Can you at least ask him if he liked it?
Not now, Joy.
Is that better?
Yeah, a little.
What triggered you?
Don't know.
Come on, just think about it, Chris.
I don't know.
Maybe it's the lyrics.
Maybe it's the heat, maybe it was the
jingling of the ice in my drink.
I don't know my fucking look at me.
You know, you may not feel it,
but you are doing well.
I mean, you'd be a month clean and sober
tomorrow.
How many years since you did that?
Just gotta hang on to that thought,
try to let the others go.
One day at a time.
You'll be right.
Just a season for believing.
I believe in you, Chris.
You been reading that?
Read something, it's comforting.
Yeah, my bad.
Joy wants to know what you thought of her
song, what you've heard of it anyway.
I loved it.
She's awesome.
All right.
Well, I'll see you in the AM.
Good night, Chris.
He thinks you're good.
Morning.
Chris, how'd you sleep?
Yeah, good night.
This will be you over here.
Just help yourself.
Cheers, thanks.
Morning.
I'm looking for a vagina mite man myself.
Come again?
Didn't you call veggie mite and vagina mite
and peanut butter, penis butter going up?
No, can't say we did, no.
Ah, I forgot your posh.
Probably a caviar on your toast.
I'm sure you and my family weren't rich at
all.
In fact, we were quite the opposite.
Bless this food to our bodies.
And help us to keep you in our hearts.
In Jesus' name, we pray.
Amen.
Amen.
So, what's everyone's priorities today?
I got work, and then rehearsal for the
Christmas gig.
Where do you work?
At the brewery.
But aren't you, um, you know, an
alcoholic?
Yeah.
Nick thinks I shouldn't hide away from my
problems.
Gotta, like, confront him head on.
The more I'm around it, actually,
like, the stronger my willpower.
It's like, it's like the constant reminder
helps us down track.
Fair enough.
Whatever works this way, son.
Plus, they let me play there sometimes.
Cool.
What's on your agenda today, Chris?
I can't just mope around in your bedroom
all day.
No, well, I've got to prep for dinner
first.
I thought I might take a walk into town.
I've, um, got my eye on the job.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I saw an ad for, you know,
Shopping Centre Santa, so...
Yeah, I know, it's pretty pathetic.
No, it is not pathetic, right,
Joy?
Mm, not pathetic.
Come on, I'm a Silver Logie winner.
Well, you should put that on the
application.
You'll be shooing.
I mean, you get to make kids and parents
happy all day.
Not many people can say they do that for a
living.
You know, my first job out of acting school
was actually as a Shopping Centre Santa?
Well, there you go.
You have even had some experience.
Do you like it?
I can't remember.
Actually, taking a fair bit of acid back
then.
Well, acid or not, I reckon you might.
I'll give you a lift to the shops on the
way to the shelter, if you like.
That'd be great.
Oh, shit.
I've got to get rid of the work.
You're, um... not cracker, just cracked
it.
Yeah, she cracked it years ago.
Wish me luck.
Thanks, mate.
Happy Christmas.
Merry Christmas!
Oh, no thanks.
Mike.
Thanks, Chris.
Ho, ho, ho, no foe.
You're fired.
Come on, you bastard.
You do realise that you are the only
person out right now?
I mean, the dash says 40 degrees.
Admittedly, it always says that because of
stuff.
But this time, I think it might be right.
Gas bottle was empty.
Really?
We have a gas bottle.
Yeah, for the barbecue.
We have a barbecue?
Somewhere underneath all that grease and
grime, yeah.
Why don't you just use a stove?
It can't use a stove.
For a sausage sizzle, right?
Oh, you're cooking a sausage sizzle.
Yeah.
Joy's going to be ecstatic about that one.
I've got some of that plant-based hippie
shit.
She will love it.
Everyone loves a sausage sizzle.
Why are you so chirpy?
You got the job.
I've got the part, yeah.
Oh, Chris, that's great.
You can refer to me as Santa, thank you
very much.
Well, we're going to celebrate.
All right, swing by the bottle.
Yeah, great idea, idiot.
Man, how are you supposed to celebrate
when you can't drink or take drugs?
It's bullshit.
I don't know.
Let me think about it.
It's beginning to look a lot like Chris.
Don't let's leave the singing to Joy.
You take care of the drive, you know.
Bye, now.
Sizzled sausage for you.
Plant-based hippie vegan rubbish for you.
Sizzled sausage for more.
What?
What?
Oh, you don't seem very impressed.
That's because I'm not impressed.
Great at you, Joy.
No.
But what we're about to
receive from our participation
award child, may the
Lord make us truly grateful.
Amen.
Amen.
Wait, Chris, what's with the suit?
We've got a big premiere coming up.
You'd better invite us.
I've always wanted to get dolled up for
the red carpet.
No, it's my... my uniform.
My uniform?
Yeah, it's my new job.
Did they let you bring your Santa costume
up?
Yeah.
Oh, and how does it look?
I don't know, I haven't tried it on yet.
Well, get in here right now.
No, there is no way that
I'm giving Joy the open
opportunity to piss herself
laughing at me, huh?
Oh, I thought you'd be used to people
laughing at your work.
Only the dramas.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Yeah, fun for you, humiliating for me.
It'll be more humiliating showing up
tomorrow and realising it doesn't fit.
Nobody wants to see Santa's blue sack.
Yeah, she has a valid point, Ned.
Now get in here now.
Yeah, really?
Smells a little bit like piss,
though.
The previous Santa not bays.
Maybe it's kids piss.
Oh, yeah, they did say to air it out.
Now the Santa got sacked for being too
drunk.
You did happen to tell her you're fresh
out of rehab yourself.
No, but apparently she read it online.
Are you still making news?
That's pretty cool.
Yeah, for all the wrong reasons.
What are you doing?
I was going to smell like a koala fart.
Air freshener.
Smells great.
Come on, strip for us, Magic Mike.
Not on your nilly.
Come on, Santa, get it off.
Let's go, let's go.
Get it off, Santa.
No.
Get it on.
Aye, I will try this on.
As long as you promise no matter how
stupid I look.
Not to laugh.
Promise?
Promise?
Hmm?
Okay.
Oh, Santa's coming up, please.
Ha, ha.
Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas.
Come on, you absolutely promised that you
weren't going to laugh at me.
He's so good.
Besides, you know better than to make a
promise with an addict.
Ah, this is ridiculous.
I look like a bloody idiot.
You look like the real Santa.
Yes.
Wait, isn't Santa going to be fat?
There you go.
Keep slipping down.
Oh, you need a belt?
Come on, tell me the truth, man.
I mean, I look like an idiot, don't I?
You look fantastic, Chris.
You know you're not led a lot.
Not even little white-wise.
This is going to be the best character you
ever played.
Oh, so I think that Santa might be into
heavy metal, is that right?
He doesn't suppose by some chance it might
scare off the kitties.
That's better than the alternative.
And you're not going to make it.
Ah, it's nice.
It's okay.
She won't be back for it.
Plus she can't keep her pants on long
enough.
We need a photo.
Ooh, good idea.
No, that's a serious shit idea.
Come on, I've never had my photo with
Santa before.
Well, not even as a kid.
No, Mum never got up in time, slept all
day, drank one.
Yeah, I never had a photo with Santa
either.
Come on, mate.
Well, mate, I'm an orphan.
You've got to have parents to organise the
Santa photos.
That's crazy talk.
All right, you know what?
You guys are getting a photo with Santa.
Yes!
All right, I was getting from the tree.
With specs on.
Nice.
Can you look at the camera?
We'll go one, two, three, Santa,
okay?
One, two, three... Santa!
Nice and close into Santa.
Look at the camera.
Big smiles.
Ready?
One, two, three... Seriously, is it
that hard to smile, you fat loser?
Have you been smoking again, too?
More, boys.
What's going on?
He's not smiling, but he's not smoking.
Leave it with me.
Oh, Christ, here we go.
Chris, do you think you could,
I don't know, maybe smile?
Or have you forgotten how?
Come on, Cindy, I'm trying, okay?
You're an actor, so maybe you could
actually just start acting.
Yeah, well, maybe if I had some dialogue,
or maybe if you referred to me as Santa,
it might help me get into it.
I'm a method actor.
A method?
I can't have junkies around the kids.
Well, not a method.
A method actor.
It's the style of acting
first, pioneered by Brando,
although some say that
Santa's last year is there.
Oh, look, whatever.
Most Santas are just happy to sit there,
smile, and get paid.
Most Santas aren't nighter graduates.
You'd be surprised.
And no more smoking around the kids.
Santa doesn't smoke.
Santa, Audrey and Portiault.
Hi.
One, two, three.
Smile for the camera.
Ready?
One, two, three.
Smile.
Hopefully, yeah.
Good morning.
Welcome to Santa's Toy Shop.
I'm Cindy.
I'm Noelle, and this is Jackson.
Hello, Jackson.
Hello.
Have you been a good boy for Santa this
year?
Good.
Noelle?
Noelle?
Chris, I mean, Santa, what's the cover
gone?
Bottle shop.
Which one?
Near the mall.
Okay, look, I'm five minutes away.
Put the cashier on.
What?
I want you to hand the phone to the
cashier now.
He wants to talk to you.
Who wants?
I wouldn't keep him waiting, mate.
He gets me thinking.
Who is this?
It's Tom.
Hi, Tom.
I'm Nick.
Hello.
Do not, under any circumstances,
let that man leave your store.
Do you hear me?
But... No, but... He's an
alcoholic and he's just out of rehab.
You do not want to be responsible for what
he might do.
He's dressed as Santa Claus.
He's a bad Santa.
Do you want to ruin Christmas,
Tom?
No, sir, I... Well, then,
don't let him leave.
He's scary.
Yes, you can be.
Listen, mate, I can't let you leave with
alcohol.
Yeah, I know.
Beef jerky?
You mad?
No, I'm not mad.
I'm glad.
Glad.
Yeah, right now, you
could be writing yourself off
in some ditch somewhere,
but instead, you called me.
It's positive.
You should be proud of yourself,
Chris.
Billy, I think I'm proud right now.
It's just the disease talking.
It's got a stranglehold on your mind.
Don't let it.
Control, alt, delete, reset.
I find visualization really helps.
Here, I'll do it with you.
Close your eyes.
Nick, you drive it, sorry.
You've got a lot of drive it, mate.
Yeah, I can do that, yeah.
Hi, I'm Geoff.
I'm an alcoholic.
I'd like to.
I haven't had a drink in almost three
Christmases, but... boy, am I feeling thirsty.
Man, I hate Christmases.
I hate it.
You know, it's meant to be the festive
season, but...
there's nothing festive about it.
It's kind of just a reminder of how lonely
I am and how shitty my life really is.
And without my friend Jack Daniels telling
me to get through it, it's just really,
really fucking hard.
I saw my kids and my Tracy and my replacement
at the Burger King the other night.
I was going through the drive-thru, and
they were just sitting there looking really.
..
really happy.
Scotty, my youngest, was...
dunking his fries into his caramel sundae
before you eat it.
And he was teaching it to my replacement.
And I taught him, man.
I mean, it sounds kind of silly,
but it really tore me up seeing that.
And... what hurts the
most is that it's my fault.
You know, I'm the reason where I am now,
and...
I won't get to see my kids at Christmas.
I know we're meant to be grateful
and all that, but I'm just... I'm fine.
It's really, really hard to be.
And then... I
remember you guys...
coming up.
You're my family now.
I mean, we might not
share the same blood, but
we share the same pain,
and that's just as real.
So... thanks for
listening to me today.
Thanks, Jack.
Who else would like to share?
Hi, everyone.
My name's Joe, and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Joe.
I saw my daughter today.
I haven't seen her
for... I don't know.
Twenty years.
Maybe more.
Quit my job.
Oh, I got sacked.
I...
I don't know.
Probably both.
You want to talk about it?
Lemon Idris.
We're having a picnic.
Joy took the lemons from a neighbour's
tree down the road.
We hate him.
In that case.
So what bubbly little number do you have
for us this evening, Joy?
I wrote this today.
Well, I finished it.
If you guys like it, I think I'll have
enough for an EP.
It's like a short record.
Yeah, yeah, I know it in APs.
I'm quite impressed that you've got enough
songs for an EP.
It's more of a demo till I get a record
deal.
Maybe you could give it to your agent?
If I ever hear from him again.
Okay, I dedicate this to all the deadbeat
dads out there.
What's it called?
Deadbeat dads.
Of course.
And I've got some serious daddy issues going
on, but my mummy issues are just as bad.
Just play the song, will you, Joy?
Okay.
Fuck, that guy really hates my playing.
It's cutting some slack.
He's had a bit of a tough day.
I think he got fired.
What?
I knew he wouldn't cope.
Santa's a big responsibility.
He wasn't ready.
I'll go talk to him.
No, I'll go.
No, I've been fired so many times.
I've got this.
Before you say anything, I don't hate your
music.
I think it's really, really good.
I just don't.
Ah, Nick explained everything.
It is.
Mm-hmm.
It's all right.
I've been fired so many times.
If you looked at my resume, you'd think
I'm a fool nutter.
I wasn't fired.
I quit.
Probably would have been fired anyway.
Do you want to talk about it?
No.
Sit in that smoke.
I suppose Nick told you that I saw my
daughter today.
Um, no.
He forgot to mention that pretty major
detail.
That was the first time I've seen her in
20 years.
Okay, wait just a sec.
Nick!
Get your ass out of here, pronto!
Sorry, man.
I'm not emotionally equipped to handle
this level of real.
Good luck.
You know, when we first met, you told me
that you had no daughter.
In fact, you told me you had no family at
all.
Well, I'd... I'm an
actor and an addict.
What do you expect?
Did she tell you what she wanted?
Yep.
Told me she wanted me to go to hell.
The other day, I asked you if you were
okay with the house rules.
And you said yes.
Well, technically I lied before I moved
in.
All right.
I'll give you that.
But don't do it again.
I can't have liars in this house.
Chris?
Yeah?
It's not healthy for anyone.
Are we clear?
You guys want some ice cream and Christmas
pudding?
Yeah, where'd you steal it from?
Hey, I made it.
Thank you very much.
But yes, I did steal the fix, but yeah,
I do fine.
Come on, let's go before it melts.
So, what are we going to do about your
daughter's situation?
Um, I'm not going to do anything.
Sorry, your deadbeat dad days are over.
Yeah, she's right, Chris.
Plus, you're a grandfather now, so you've
got to step up whether you like it or not.
It's not up to me.
It's up to Noel.
She made it pretty clear today.
She doesn't want anything to do with me.
You're the parent.
It's always up to you.
Ball's in your court.
Why'd you weren't there?
You didn't see her take off.
She doesn't want to borrow me.
Every daughter wants her father.
He wrote it, Chris.
In group, we talk about our purpose.
Well, this is yours.
You're lucky, Chris.
I mean, some people never find theirs.
Lucky?
Yeah, yeah, you are.
Now, right now, God, or whatever the hell
you want to believe, is reaching out to
you, and it is a sin if you don't reach
back.
You've got to do this, Chris.
I mean, I know it's hard, but...
Nothing in life that was worthwhile is
ever easy.
I wonder if she never wants to know
anything.
You just keep trying.
Christmas is the season for forgiving.
The time is nigh.
This is so exciting.
It's not a game.
This is my life we're talking about.
I know.
Isn't it wonderful?
You know, I've been knowing where she is.
Oh, you leave that to us.
Between Joy and I, we know everyone in
this town.
Everyone.
Man... I'm too young
to be her grandfather.
You look old to me.
Oldish?
How old are you?
Never asked an actor how old I am.
Oh.
I thought that was just actresses.
No.
Nice actors, too.
I'm going to hit the hay.
Night, Chris.
Night, Pops.
Do you have anything to do with this?
Well... I may have
encouraged her a little.
Right.
Well, clearly the word privacy means
nothing to you, huh?
She found her, Chris.
How is not important?
How do you even know it was Noel,
right?
You'd know absolutely nothing about her.
It was pretty easy, actually.
You're a celebrity.
You can find, like, your entire life story
on here if you dig deep enough.
What the hell are you, the bloody
paparazzi?
Hey, Christ.
Did you find her a dress?
Yes, I did, actually.
Oh, great.
Jesus Christ!
I'm sorry, Chris.
I thought you'd be happy.
I was just trying to help.
Please don't be angry at me.
It's just I'm a bit of a cocktail of
emotions at the moment, you know?
I'm going to use a cocktail about now.
Yeah, me too.
The biggest, bloodiest Mary there is.
Noel was seven the last time I saw him.
She was so scared of Santa that I had to
sit on his lap as well.
God, all those Christmas mornings I
missed.
Such a big chunk of her life I've missed.
All because I was a selfish, drunken and
vicious prick.
Go see her, Chris.
Today.
Don't waste another Christmas.
Wouldn't know what to say.
Jesus, what kind of actor are you?
I normally have a script, alright?
I'm not going to show you at this time
there is no script.
I have an idea.
Okay, so, here's how the scene's going to
go.
Chris, you're going to play Chris.
Can you handle that?
Yeah, I suppose so.
Great.
Nick, you'll be Noel.
I'm the director.
This is the front door.
Chris, you're going to knock.
Nick, you're going to answer.
You're not going to be Nick.
You're going to be Noel.
Everybody clear?
Great.
Let's get into first positions.
What am I supposed to say?
You never heard of improv?
Yeah, but what's my motivation?
Win your daughter's forgiveness and get
her to join us for Christmas lunch.
Really?
That is a great idea.
But she's just going to say no.
Are you?
Well, I'm not sure.
You'll have to convince me.
Great.
Okay, action.
Knock on the door, Chris.
Who is it?
It's me.
It's Chris.
It's your dad.
I told you, I never wanted to see your
face again.
Chris, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm acting.
Oh.
Yeah, good.
It's very convincing.
Where are you going?
I don't really know what to say.
Normally, I'm given my lines.
There's always a script, but obviously
there's no script for this.
Are you acting now?
Yes.
No, I was the finger daughter then.
Oh, well, that was really good,
Nick.
Well, thank you.
Well, anyway, I've got to shoot to the shop,
so... Yeah, just before you go, I was...
I wanted to say that...
Well, it's just...
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry for not being there for
you.
And I just thought...
I hoped.
Thank you.
I'll be able to find it in your heart to
just...
to give me just a little bit...
and just let me back into your life so
that I can, you know...
make it up to you, you know?
So maybe you...
I don't know, you might
like to drop around to our
place for Christmas lunch
or something, you know?
I just...
I don't want to spend another Christmas
away from my family.
So I can give you our address,
and if you, you know...
wanted to pop by, it would be so
great to see you and... and little Jackson.
Will they be drinking?
No, say the stream only.
Cut.
Cut.
Chris, that was so good.
Didn't you think that?
So, I mean, would you...
would you come around?
Mate, your daughter
would have to have the
hardest of hearts to
turn down that proposal.
That's the first time
in a long time that it
felt like I wasn't actually
acting, you know?
Truth can be liberating.
And all's were really painful.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry.
Oi!
There is no smoking in this car,
ever.
It's all the smoking or the vomiting.
When I get this nervous,
nausea, the only thing
that stops me from
spewing is the smoking.
Well, I'll take the vomit.
Smoking reminds me of drinking.
So just suit yourself.
Surely being a famous actor, you'd be used
to opening night jitters.
I'm a TV actor, I'm not a theatre actor.
You know, when you're a TV actor,
you get as many takes as you need.
You're gonna be fine, Chris.
Stop!
Gross.
At least he doesn't have carrot in his
spew.
Keep looking.
You'll find it.
Shoot it on, more theatre.
You ready?
Yeah, let's do it.
Oh, by the way, Chris, you're welcome this
moment.
Very wise decision, Nicholas.
Reckon she go to down with the child
support?
Easy, Joy.
I thought I'd discover residuals.
Joy?
No, we don't.
It's just that I am... Please don't
mind up against the wall and not here.
I mean, they're quite little.
Just doesn't feel like the right time.
I didn't let you vomit all over my car for
nothing.
This is your time, Chris.
This is your defining moment.
It's right here and right now.
You got this.
Right, Joy?
Hell yeah.
I got this.
I got this.
Oh, God, he's really going to do it.
Who are you?
Chris wants to be a phenomenal.
Are you now?
Oh, yes, he's not.
He's dead.
Who is it?
Gay old white guy reckons he's your dad.
Get inside of him.
No, he doesn't have a dad.
Get inside.
Joy, what the fuck?
Please don't talk to me like that.
No, I can say whatever I fucking will,
please.
You don't hurt me.
You're nothing to me.
So piss off before I call the cops and the
trespassers.
Didn't exactly go as rehearsed.
Tough crowd.
What a bitch.
No, that's not her fault.
So what now?
Wait here.
What a man.
What the hell's he doing?
What do you think he's saying?
I don't know.
Looks like it's kind of working.
What'd you say to her?
Well, I just told her that you're actually
a decent bloke.
Despite everything.
And she bought that.
We shall see.
Is she coming for Christmas?
She said she'd give me a call once she had
time to think it over.
There's a kid waving at us.
Oh, it's my grandson's.
It's Jackson.
He looks like you.
Poor kid.
Hey.
I'll have you know I was once nominated as
GQ's man of influence.
Man under the influence more like him.
All right, we'd better go before she
thinks we're stalking him.
Pretty sure she already does.
It's worth it.
The seal of hope.
The Lord's world of joys in the yonder
breaks.
When you and the glorious dawn come forth.
On your knees.
And he, the angel, He sees.
O night divine.
O Christ's Lord.
O night divine.
O night, O night divine.
Told you she didn't suck.
Remarkable.
I, um... How do
you...there's no elbow.
Oh, come on.
It's Christmas Eve.
Chris, relax.
The night is still young.
Actually, I've got to get to the shelter.
You're going to be all right here by
yourself?
My joy would kill me if I looked halfway
through the gate.
All right, how's everybody's Christmas
Eve?
So you might not realize this but we
actually have a celebrity in the house.
That's right ladies and gems, give it up
for my friend, Mr. Chris Bland.
Do you want to hear him sing a song?
Chris, Chris, Chris
Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris,
Chris, Chris, Chris,
Chris, Chris, Chris.
1, 2, 3, 4, Jingle bell,
jingle bell, jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one horse open sleigh.
Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the
way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse
open sleigh.
Um,
I'm just gonna take a break and I'll be
back shortly.
Thanks.
Hey Chris, that was awesome, mate.
Thanks, mate.
What can I get you on the house?
I'll just have a water.
Thanks, mate.
It's Christmas.
I'll get you a beer, mate.
It's just a water.
Thanks, mate.
My kids had their picture taken with you
the other day.
Oh God, right.
Don't worry, I don't kiss until...
Thank you.
Are you sure you don't want a drink?
No, no, I'm just on the waters.
Look, I've got to work tonight and the
world is a very big place.
How many letters in the alphabet,
sir?
Twenty-six.
Twenty-six?
No.
Twenty-five.
Because there is.
No way.
Joy, you are amazing.
What's the matter?
I know that bitch.
Sorry, I'm not following her.
Neeve had a slut girlfriend here.
Neeve?
Your ex?
Girlfriend.
She's such a bitch.
Hey, this is your gig, okay?
Why, she's just trying to make it jealous,
trying to get inside your head.
Yeah, well, it's working.
Well done.
Why are boys people so shitty to the ones
who love them the most?
I wish I knew the answer.
Joy, get back on.
Come on.
Hey, listen.
You've got to visualize, okay?
Yeah.
I'm right here with you.
Oh, you've got this.
Let's go.
Okay, um... Hey, Joy, wait.
It's okay, mate.
Joy, please.
Come on.
Fuck!
You asshole.
Me?
Yes!
Blind pilot's just like you, flying in and
out of people's lives, and you're just too
self-absorbed to even notice the damage
you cause.
Yeah, I can say that.
I really hope you do, for her sake.
I've got to get out of here before I fall
off the wagon.
I'll walk with you.
No, I'm not fucking up both our nights.
Hey, yeah.
Why is every woman you're involved with on
the verge of never's breakdown?
Yeah, it's just, uh, Christmas,
you know.
It's a, um...
pretty stressful time, though.
Every day is Christmas with you,
Chris.
That's not a compliment, is it?
No.
No.
You know, I was watching you closely all
night.
You didn't have a drink in your hand the
entire evening.
Thirty-four days sober.
I guess it's the start.
Getting there, yeah.
So, what time's lunch tomorrow?
Um, about Monday, if that works for you.
Yeah, perfect.
Are you sticking around, or shooting off
like you always do?
Nah, I'm not at home, I think.
I've got a, uh, pretty big day tomorrow.
Well, Merry Christmas Eve, then.
Yeah.
Thanks, Santa.
Joy!
Joy, open up!
Alright, I'll give you the can of three,
and I'm gonna bash the door down, okay?
Suit yourself.
One, two, three!
What the heck?!
Door!
I was worried, okay?
God, you weren't answering.
I had my headphones on.
I've been bashing on that door for about
five minutes.
I got a girl crying.
I always have to pat a bed of tired more.
Look, I was just worried about you,
okay?
That's all.
I'm sad, Chris.
I'm really sad.
I'm not gonna hurt myself, though.
Okay, good.
Good.
That's all I needed to know.
Hey, don't worry.
I'll fix your door.
Please, you will.
Come on, don't be so sad.
It's Christmas.
My daughter's coming for lunch tomorrow.
I'm so happy for you, Chris.
Thank you.
Okay, now leave me alone.
Stay.
Stay, stay.
You're waiting for someone?
Yeah, waiting for Santa.
But I might have a quick chat to him.
Trust me, you're definitely on his naughty
list.
She's a snake.
Oh, your face.
It's the only one I've got, Chris.
What happened?
Hey, let's get this straight, Bill.
I am your sponsor, not the other way
around.
You got that?
Okay.
Is Joy in?
Yeah, she's in bed.
She had an early night.
Well, I guess we all had a shitty evening,
didn't I?
Well, actually, I had a pretty good night.
In fact, it was terrific.
What happened?
Supposed to know well, she's coming to
lunch tomorrow.
Well, I guess Christmas miracles do
happen.
The rest of the groceries are in the car.
Yeah, right up.
Oh, and don't forget, it's bin night.
Yeah, copy that, boss.
Shit, the bins!
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
I've got a bin!
Wait up, wait up!
Hey, Nick.
Hey, Nick, wake up.
Santa's been.
Leave me alone.
Hey, there's a present for you under the
tree.
Hey, Joy!
Joy, wake up!
Come on, it's Christmas!
So what?
So, there's a present for you under the
tree.
A present?
Yeah.
Come on.
You better be bloody good.
Here he is, Captain Grumpy.
What shit, Nick?
It's fine.
It's just a workplace hazard.
You okay?
Let's just do the gift thing, yeah?
All right, first up is to Joy from Santa.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, it's heavy.
Oh my gosh!
Thank you, Santa.
How did you know?
And also from Santa, this one is for Nick.
Merry Christmas.
Get to know your barbecue.
Well, that's very thoughtful.
Thanks, Santa.
Hey, who's that one for?
Yeah, that's a group present.
That's for me, to you guys.
Who wants to open that one?
Me?
Oh, no way.
You don't have to use the iron to make
your coffee anymore.
Sorry, Chris, I didn't get you anything.
Yeah, me neither.
I didn't know you were doing gifts.
And I am flat broke.
It doesn't matter.
Your presents is seriously the best
present I could have.
This is going to be the best Christmas
ever.
Well, it's official.
I haven't stuffed.
What are you talking about?
It can't be.
It can be, and it is.
What's wrong with it?
It just doesn't turn on.
Why not?
I don't know.
I'm not an electrical engineer,
Chris.
Well, my mum always used to kick it.
Try that.
No, that didn't work.
Oh, man.
All right, where's my phone?
I'm going to call the oven man.
On Christmas Day?
Good luck.
Yeah, she's right.
The oven man won't come on Christmas Day.
Even oven men have families, Chris.
So what are we going to do?
Oh, there's always a ham.
Mate, my daughter's coming for Christmas.
We can't serve cold cuts.
It's got to be perfect.
I know.
Barbecue.
I knew I bought that gas bottle for a
reason.
You can't roast a five kilo turkey on a
barbecue plate, you idiots.
You really don't know how to cook,
do you?
FYI, Cape C's opening day.
We're not serving KFC to my daughter,
okay?
She hates me enough as it is.
What are you doing?
Neighbours.
Ah, they all hate us.
All the neighbours hate us.
Big time.
We're the only housing commission on the
street.
We've brought their property values way
down.
I've got an idea.
Oh, sorry.
You must have the wrong address.
We didn't order any milks on wheels.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not a charity.
I'm actually in need of your charity.
See, I'm from the house a few doors down,
and our oven is packed together.
Oh, the halfway house?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So our oven's broken, so I was just wondering
if we could borrow yours for... Sorry.
We need our oven all day.
We've got lots of people
coming over, so... Is this all right?
I'm just... I'm sure you understand.
No, no, please.
We'll just be perfect.
Man.
G'day, mate.
Merry Christmas.
No way.
You could bugger off.
Listen, you clean the dog shit off your
lawn, mate.
Yeah?
Oh, Merry Christmas.
Ah, Christmas dinner for me.
Thanks so much.
No, no, no, no.
I was just wondering if maybe I could
borrow your oven.
It's pretty heavy.
You're not going to be able to move it on
your own.
Oh.
No, no.
I was wondering if I could use it to roast
this turkey.
I'm in a bit of a spot.
I could really use your health.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Yeah, yeah.
Come on in, Santa.
Thank you.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
You want a cookie?
Oh, yes, please.
That'd be lovely.
All sorted.
That nice old bloke at the end of the
street came to Santa's aid.
Old bloke?
Yeah, what's his name, Mr Burbanek?
Oh, no, no.
What?
He hates us.
Like, really hates us.
No, he's cool.
He even gave me a cookie and everything.
He didn't eat it.
Yeah, it was delicious.
He's a pothead.
He sells hash cookies to the kids at the
local high schools.
Come on.
He totally played you.
No way.
Yes way.
No, he's really cool.
He was really, really happy to take the
turkey off my hands.
Be right back.
You are busted.
You are dead, Chris.
Ham burgers.
We have ham.
We make ham burgers.
I'm gonna get ready.
Cookie cake, Dan.
Big time.
Time's up.
It's 1.30.
Should we start?
No.
Why don't we say grace while we wait?
Lord, we bless this wonderful feast that
Chris has prepared for us.
And we bless our family and our friends.
Look after those who are most in need
today.
In Jesus' name we pray.
Amen.
Amen.
She's not coming, is she?
No.
I mean, I can't say I don't blame her.
You've missed how many of our Christmas
lunches?
Not helping, Julie.
No.
No, she's wrong.
I was a bloody idiot to think I should
ever consider.
Excuse me.
Your Christmas maybe gets shitter every
year.
Aye aye, I need to borrow the car.
Planning anything stupid?
You all right to drive?
Yeah.
Promise?
Don't be long.
Smoky, no western blinds.
We're good.
With the flickering of a field.
Bracket smiles.
Don't act lost.
Just what I need for you.
Merry Christmas, officer.
Merry Christmas, Santa.
You are aware that you have one taillight
out?
Shit.
That's right.
Santa, have you had anything to drink
tonight?
Keys.
Remain in the car.
Fix you up for the Uber.
Fight to get your car out of the drink.
Forget about it.
I'm taking you back to the rehab tomorrow,
Chris.
They break the rules.
You can't live with us anymore.
It's not healthy for you and it's not
healthy for us.
It's easy.
I was saying the line is, Bob,
that's a trick, aren't you?
Christ, man, I've lost everything,
you know.
I've lost my career.
I've lost my reputation.
I've lost my bloody family now,
mate.
It's yours.
What?
I found it in the back of your car,
mate, it's your bloody bottle.
Is that what this is about?
Is that why you did that?
You fucking idiot.
It wasn't my bottle.
I took it off a woman who was relapsing in
group the other night.
That's how I got this shiny shit.
Bullshit, mate!
What's a big fucking deal?
Like a pool knife by the cops, but it could
have been so much more worse, you know.
I suppose you've never done anything like
that, I miss the perfect.
Self-centered, egotistical.
Little man, it's always about you,
Chris.
It's always been about you.
You and your fucking career, hey?
You want to know how this is going to end
for you.
One day you will be driving
your car and some little bastard
will run across the road in
front of you chasing this ball.
And you'll be so shit-faced that you won't
see him in the blink of an eye.
Every fucking thing will change for you.
You want to know why I do what I do,
why I have my faith and my rules.
It's because I have to live without every
day of my life.
It's a hell of a lot worse than not being
able to act in a fucking Christmas movie.
You're out.
Fuck you.
I've got to take the bins out.
Fucking...
Happy Boxing Day.
Nobody says that.
Yeah, well they should.
Hey, um... I stole
a copy of your EP.
I had a listener.
It's really, really good.
So I'm going to send a copy
to my agent, no promises
whatsoever, but you
never know your luck, eh?
You're really going to do that?
Yeah.
And I'm going to get your car back.
Not that you're going to need it when
you're a big rock star.
Babe.
See ya.
Take it easy, Chris.
I'm calling the cops on you degenerates!
I'm sorry.
Mate.
If I had a dollar for every mistake I
made, I'd be Jeffrey Bloody Bezos.
Look, if...
If you ever need someone to talk to,
then you know where I am.
Yeah.
You know, you're pretty messed up when
your sponsor needs a sponsor.
I'm all meant as a... you know,
as a friend.
I appreciate that.
See ya later, Nick.
See ya later, Chris, you star.
Hey, your daughter just sent a message.
What does it say?
Tell Dad thanks.
I have a feeling.
Crack a smile.
I thought I'd lost.
Just what I need for the healing.
Daydreaming back to that dim little bar.
Yeah, I know I shouldn't.
Think I'll just play that guitar.
As if you thought I would.
The only thing that makes me make any
sense is the air conditioning.
When it's folded a grizzly Christmas.
Scrolling through my phone, wondering who
I'll be ringing.
There's me back out on the street.
But only for groceries.
It's the lonely trees.
Now it's the birds, the rats, and the
race.
I'm watching old Jimmy Stewart.
Must have knocked some graves.
I'm sitting in a circle, like a grateful
square.
From the past and the future, neither here
nor there.
Like a faded bauble, a cafe up the street.
Hanging its cheer all year, no one sees.
Hit the cycle, up where the birds eat my
cousin's way.
Look at me now, into coffee number three.
Before I've even started the day.
All I've learned, turned to a blur.
Just gotta stick to your gun.
Keep it simple, do your best.
Take each day as it comes.
Staring into an open fridge.
Looking for something that isn't there.
Hello.
Chris?
Doctor's waiting.
Big day for you, Chris?
You should be really proud of yourself.
Not everyone makes it through first time.
It's really commendable.
Right, so do I get in a ward or something?
Yeah.
Another shot at life.
No bigger ward than that, is there?
Is a member of your family coming to
collect you?
No.
No, I told you there's no family.
I told you that in our sessions.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yes, you did.
My agent's coming.
Ah.
I see.
And where will you stay?
Some halfway house somewhere.
Nick runs it.
Nick?
Yeah, Nick.
My new sponsor.
Doug fell off the wagon.
Oh, Nick.
Yeah.
Oh, he's hard.
Oh, but fair.
Yeah, that's what I've heard.
I wonder, Chris, if you've thought about
what you will do now.
Yeah.
Yeah, my agent's going to put me up for a
Christmas Panama.
I know that the
Australian Panos are pretty
lame, but anyway, I've
got to start somewhere.
No, no, no.
I meant, how are you feeling about going
back out into the world?
I don't know.
Probably about as happy as the world is to
have me back.
Just remember, Christmas can be very hard
for everyone.
If you put the same amount of focus and
care that you put onto your characters,
show yourself, you'll be fine.
OK, Chris?
All right.
Be kind to yourself.
Take it easy.
One day at a time.
Merry Christmas, Chris.
It's Mike, the message.
Yeah, screw you, Mike.
Bloody hell.
Hey, Nick!
Nick, it's Chris!
Chris Flint!
Shit!
That's for breaking Janice.
Who?
Janice Joplin, my favourite pop plant.
You've known your plant?
Yeah.
I know my body parts too.
And my car.
I just sell it to pay for rehab,
but I'm going to get it back.
OK.
And do you have a towel?
No.
I air dry.
Of course.
Who are you?
I'm Joy.
And you're Chris.
So where's Nick?
He's down at the shelter.
We were expecting you hours ago.
Yeah.
My ride just stood me up.
You know, it's courtesy to let people know
ahead of time if you're going to be late.
Yeah, I was going to surprise him,
but my phone ran out of battery, so...
It certainly gave me a surprise.
I almost caught the cops when I saw you
laying naked out here.
Are you saying you're inside the whole
time?
He smashed through the window,
so bloody hot out here.
Then I really would have called the cops.
Why didn't you?
I recognise you from the telly.
Who are you again?
Joy.
You live here?
Yeah.
Nick's my sponsor.
What?
Nick is my sponsor?
Nick is my sponsor.
Cool.
No, it's not cool.
Are you jealous your sponsor is two-timing
you?
No, don't be silly.
It's just... There
are so many people.
It's just who he is.
No, I just thought...
You are special?
No.
Dude, you are not special.
There are a tonne of messed up people and
they come out of the woodwork at Christmas.
Are you coming or what?
I don't know how long you've been here
for.
Coming on a year.
Last Christmas wasn't a very merry one for
me.
But, things are looking a little cheery
this year, thanks to Nick.
Alright, this is the shower.
Danny, and this is you here.
I'm just next door.
This is Nick's room, but whatever you do,
you're not going to Nick's room.
Unless you've got some sort of death wish.
You got a death wish, Chris?
Ah, no, no, no.
Good.
Well, who owns all this shit?
Oh, this is Niamh's.
She died.
What?
I'm kidding.
She moved out.
Well, technically, she was kicked out.
I keep waiting for her to come get her
stuff, but I reckon she's coming.
And why was she kicked out?
She broke rule number three.
That's rule number three.
She lied.
Lied to Nick and you were gone,
mate.
Right.
Any other rules?
Oh, yeah, like no drugs or booze,
no stealing or lying, clean up after
yourself, no fornicating or housemates,
just generally be a good person.
Can you hand her that?
Fan doesn't work.
Oh, yeah, you'll discover that about a lot
of stuff around here.
You learned to adapt.
You know you can boil water with an own?
I did not know that.
Thanks for the tip.
Sure.
Okay.
Well, I will leave you to it.
Stay next to your little diva.
Hey, hope you like a meatless lasagna.
Who doesn't?
I'm vegan.
Yeah, of course you are.
Do you want a drink?
I meant water.
Or soda string?
Picked one off from Audi and I love it.
No, no, tap water's fine.
Okay.
Thank you.
By the way, if you take turns cooking,
what's your go-to dish?
I don't know.
You can't cook, can't you?
Yeah, I can cook.
It's just that I am.
You don't?
It just gets a bit boring cooking for one,
you know.
Well, now you won't be bored.
Good point.
So, come on, what's your signature dish?
Every boy's got to have at least one
specialty.
I don't know.
Look, you might have a bit of a think
about it.
I mean, you can.
Just don't take too long.
Because you're rusted on tomorrow,
right?
Really?
And who makes the roster?
Me?
Of course.
Oh, okay.
For the foot.
Thanks.
So, who's stood you up today?
Hey.
You're right.
Who's a no-show?
I'm gonna be my agent.
He's, um... Well, sometimes he
can be a right, proper dick, you know.
Hey, I've been thinking about getting an
agent for my music.
Any advice?
All agents are evil.
But they are kind of a necessary evil,
so...
Yeah, they're always there when you're hot
and when you're not.
They just disappear into thin air.
You know, not long ago I had a UK agent,
US agent, and a publicist manager,
attorney.
Now I've got nothing.
Hey, it's not true.
You got Nick, and you got me.
That's a good point.
And I got really, really grateful too,
I really am.
I could never be an actor.
I could never remember all the lines.
I have a hard enough time remembering my
own song lyrics.
It's harder to get older.
And there's all the drug and alcohol
abuse, so...
Must be a real head fuck.
Like, being someone else all the time, how
do you ever get to know who you really are?
There's a reason I'm an addict.
Not surprised.
I dated an actress once.
Yeah, how'd that go?
Oh, never again.
She was so self-absorbed and needy.
Like, so needy, oh my God.
Sounds about right.
I dated an actor too.
He was even worse.
Never stopped talking about himself,
looking in the mirror.
That also sounds about right.
Have you ever been with a guy?
No, can't say I have not.
What about Chris O'Donnell?
It was a movie.
We were acting.
It looked pretty convincing to me.
What can I say?
I'm a pretty good actor.
Not that good.
I better check on dinner.
Hey, Nick.
It's nice of you to finally join us.
Ta-da.
What the hell is that meant to be?
The fruit shop was throwing it out.
Yeah, they were throwing it out because
it's dead, mate.
It's dying.
It's not dead.
There's no one better than me at rescuing
dying things.
Besides, she only needs to make it through
to Christmas.
Good luck with that.
It's over a week away.
Well, stop being such a grinch,
will you?
Bit of tinsel, star on top.
I reckon she'll bring this house some
Christmas cheer.
I reckon we can all do with some cheer
around here.
He was almost, whoa, that is the ugliest
tree I've ever seen.
Is it dead?
You will be if you don't open the door.
It's shedding.
Is it supposed to do that?
No, no, it's not.
So what are you going to call it?
Chris!
Ho, ho, ho.
Maybe it just needs some water.
Sticky tape, more like it.
Still has that smell, though.
Ain't nothing better than the smell of a
real Christmas tree.
Reminds me of my dad.
You know, when I was a young fella,
we used to go and get a real Christmas
tree and decorate it together every
Christmas.
That was before we checked out.
Hey, Chris, I think there's a suitcase of
decorations up in the roof.
Why don't you climb up there after dinner
and grab it?
Well, I'd love to, but sadly, I hurt my
foot today.
I'll do it.
You can put your foot down.
Ow!
Joy, what do you say you get your guitar
out and treat us with Christmas tunes?
I am.
Oh, God, really?
Yeah, it might, you know, help get us into
the spirit a little bit.
Yeah, look, no offense, but normally when
the guitar comes out at a party,
it's a bit of a punish, ain't it?
Oh, don't you worry.
She doesn't, sir.
FYI, I've sat through your
cheesy Christmas movie every
year since God knows how
old and that really is a punish.
No, it's true.
It's a terrible movie and I'm awful in it.
It makes love actually look like the
Godfather.
I love love, actually.
You just love Christmas.
Yeah, it's true.
So, what's the best Christmas flick ever
made?
Uh, Elf?
No, Die Hard.
I've never seen it.
Never seen Die Hard?
Nope.
You should make another Christmas movie
and call it Try Hard.
I thought people were supposed to be nice
to each other at Christmas time.
Oh, that's right.
You've only just met me.
You said Lena okay?
Yeah, yeah.
Joy showed me around.
She's pretty thorough.
Yeah.
She was excited you were coming.
Really?
Me too.
So, Joy explained all the house rules to
them.
Have any issues with them?
No.
You sure?
Yeah.
Good.
What are you going to cook for us tomorrow
night?
I don't know.
I'm still thinking about it.
It's going to be pretty hard to talk
tonight.
Joy's a good cook.
Hey, what you saying about me?
No, I'm just saying you're a good cook.
Wait, do you hear my music?
Can't wait.
All right, what do you guys want to hear?
An original or a cover?
You've got an original Christmas song.
Uh-huh.
It's called Empty Chair.
Sounds cheery.
My name said it was a Happy Christmas
song.
So it's not Jingle Bells now.
I've never heard of that.
Oh, shit.
I've never played anyone famous before.
I was waiting for you there, standing
behind your favourite chair.
But you should hold my hand when I could
barely walk or even stand.
So come on home.
I can't believe that you're gone.
Yeah, come on home.
It's the end of the year and I'm alone.
Yeah, come on home.
Cos this house feels so tired and empty
when you're now.
Piss off, there's no one here.
So, how are we feeling?
One to ten.
Maybe a four.
Yeah.
Well, that's good.
We can work with that.
Hmm.
What do you need?
Drink.
Can't help you there.
Bump.
Work with me, Chris.
Well, how about some air conditioning,
eh?
Of course, it's so hot I'm fucking blood
spanked.
Yeah, well, Prater can't help you there
either.
Not now, Joy.
Can you at least ask him if he liked it?
Not now, Joy.
Is that better?
Yeah, a little.
What triggered you?
Don't know.
Come on, just think about it, Chris.
I don't know.
Maybe it's the lyrics.
Maybe it's the heat, maybe it was the
jingling of the ice in my drink.
I don't know my fucking look at me.
You know, you may not feel it,
but you are doing well.
I mean, you'd be a month clean and sober
tomorrow.
How many years since you did that?
Just gotta hang on to that thought,
try to let the others go.
One day at a time.
You'll be right.
Just a season for believing.
I believe in you, Chris.
You been reading that?
Read something, it's comforting.
Yeah, my bad.
Joy wants to know what you thought of her
song, what you've heard of it anyway.
I loved it.
She's awesome.
All right.
Well, I'll see you in the AM.
Good night, Chris.
He thinks you're good.
Morning.
Chris, how'd you sleep?
Yeah, good night.
This will be you over here.
Just help yourself.
Cheers, thanks.
Morning.
I'm looking for a vagina mite man myself.
Come again?
Didn't you call veggie mite and vagina mite
and peanut butter, penis butter going up?
No, can't say we did, no.
Ah, I forgot your posh.
Probably a caviar on your toast.
I'm sure you and my family weren't rich at
all.
In fact, we were quite the opposite.
Bless this food to our bodies.
And help us to keep you in our hearts.
In Jesus' name, we pray.
Amen.
Amen.
So, what's everyone's priorities today?
I got work, and then rehearsal for the
Christmas gig.
Where do you work?
At the brewery.
But aren't you, um, you know, an
alcoholic?
Yeah.
Nick thinks I shouldn't hide away from my
problems.
Gotta, like, confront him head on.
The more I'm around it, actually,
like, the stronger my willpower.
It's like, it's like the constant reminder
helps us down track.
Fair enough.
Whatever works this way, son.
Plus, they let me play there sometimes.
Cool.
What's on your agenda today, Chris?
I can't just mope around in your bedroom
all day.
No, well, I've got to prep for dinner
first.
I thought I might take a walk into town.
I've, um, got my eye on the job.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I saw an ad for, you know,
Shopping Centre Santa, so...
Yeah, I know, it's pretty pathetic.
No, it is not pathetic, right,
Joy?
Mm, not pathetic.
Come on, I'm a Silver Logie winner.
Well, you should put that on the
application.
You'll be shooing.
I mean, you get to make kids and parents
happy all day.
Not many people can say they do that for a
living.
You know, my first job out of acting school
was actually as a Shopping Centre Santa?
Well, there you go.
You have even had some experience.
Do you like it?
I can't remember.
Actually, taking a fair bit of acid back
then.
Well, acid or not, I reckon you might.
I'll give you a lift to the shops on the
way to the shelter, if you like.
That'd be great.
Oh, shit.
I've got to get rid of the work.
You're, um... not cracker, just cracked
it.
Yeah, she cracked it years ago.
Wish me luck.
Thanks, mate.
Happy Christmas.
Merry Christmas!
Oh, no thanks.
Mike.
Thanks, Chris.
Ho, ho, ho, no foe.
You're fired.
Come on, you bastard.
You do realise that you are the only
person out right now?
I mean, the dash says 40 degrees.
Admittedly, it always says that because of
stuff.
But this time, I think it might be right.
Gas bottle was empty.
Really?
We have a gas bottle.
Yeah, for the barbecue.
We have a barbecue?
Somewhere underneath all that grease and
grime, yeah.
Why don't you just use a stove?
It can't use a stove.
For a sausage sizzle, right?
Oh, you're cooking a sausage sizzle.
Yeah.
Joy's going to be ecstatic about that one.
I've got some of that plant-based hippie
shit.
She will love it.
Everyone loves a sausage sizzle.
Why are you so chirpy?
You got the job.
I've got the part, yeah.
Oh, Chris, that's great.
You can refer to me as Santa, thank you
very much.
Well, we're going to celebrate.
All right, swing by the bottle.
Yeah, great idea, idiot.
Man, how are you supposed to celebrate
when you can't drink or take drugs?
It's bullshit.
I don't know.
Let me think about it.
It's beginning to look a lot like Chris.
Don't let's leave the singing to Joy.
You take care of the drive, you know.
Bye, now.
Sizzled sausage for you.
Plant-based hippie vegan rubbish for you.
Sizzled sausage for more.
What?
What?
Oh, you don't seem very impressed.
That's because I'm not impressed.
Great at you, Joy.
No.
But what we're about to
receive from our participation
award child, may the
Lord make us truly grateful.
Amen.
Amen.
Wait, Chris, what's with the suit?
We've got a big premiere coming up.
You'd better invite us.
I've always wanted to get dolled up for
the red carpet.
No, it's my... my uniform.
My uniform?
Yeah, it's my new job.
Did they let you bring your Santa costume
up?
Yeah.
Oh, and how does it look?
I don't know, I haven't tried it on yet.
Well, get in here right now.
No, there is no way that
I'm giving Joy the open
opportunity to piss herself
laughing at me, huh?
Oh, I thought you'd be used to people
laughing at your work.
Only the dramas.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Yeah, fun for you, humiliating for me.
It'll be more humiliating showing up
tomorrow and realising it doesn't fit.
Nobody wants to see Santa's blue sack.
Yeah, she has a valid point, Ned.
Now get in here now.
Yeah, really?
Smells a little bit like piss,
though.
The previous Santa not bays.
Maybe it's kids piss.
Oh, yeah, they did say to air it out.
Now the Santa got sacked for being too
drunk.
You did happen to tell her you're fresh
out of rehab yourself.
No, but apparently she read it online.
Are you still making news?
That's pretty cool.
Yeah, for all the wrong reasons.
What are you doing?
I was going to smell like a koala fart.
Air freshener.
Smells great.
Come on, strip for us, Magic Mike.
Not on your nilly.
Come on, Santa, get it off.
Let's go, let's go.
Get it off, Santa.
No.
Get it on.
Aye, I will try this on.
As long as you promise no matter how
stupid I look.
Not to laugh.
Promise?
Promise?
Hmm?
Okay.
Oh, Santa's coming up, please.
Ha, ha.
Ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas.
Come on, you absolutely promised that you
weren't going to laugh at me.
He's so good.
Besides, you know better than to make a
promise with an addict.
Ah, this is ridiculous.
I look like a bloody idiot.
You look like the real Santa.
Yes.
Wait, isn't Santa going to be fat?
There you go.
Keep slipping down.
Oh, you need a belt?
Come on, tell me the truth, man.
I mean, I look like an idiot, don't I?
You look fantastic, Chris.
You know you're not led a lot.
Not even little white-wise.
This is going to be the best character you
ever played.
Oh, so I think that Santa might be into
heavy metal, is that right?
He doesn't suppose by some chance it might
scare off the kitties.
That's better than the alternative.
And you're not going to make it.
Ah, it's nice.
It's okay.
She won't be back for it.
Plus she can't keep her pants on long
enough.
We need a photo.
Ooh, good idea.
No, that's a serious shit idea.
Come on, I've never had my photo with
Santa before.
Well, not even as a kid.
No, Mum never got up in time, slept all
day, drank one.
Yeah, I never had a photo with Santa
either.
Come on, mate.
Well, mate, I'm an orphan.
You've got to have parents to organise the
Santa photos.
That's crazy talk.
All right, you know what?
You guys are getting a photo with Santa.
Yes!
All right, I was getting from the tree.
With specs on.
Nice.
Can you look at the camera?
We'll go one, two, three, Santa,
okay?
One, two, three... Santa!
Nice and close into Santa.
Look at the camera.
Big smiles.
Ready?
One, two, three... Seriously, is it
that hard to smile, you fat loser?
Have you been smoking again, too?
More, boys.
What's going on?
He's not smiling, but he's not smoking.
Leave it with me.
Oh, Christ, here we go.
Chris, do you think you could,
I don't know, maybe smile?
Or have you forgotten how?
Come on, Cindy, I'm trying, okay?
You're an actor, so maybe you could
actually just start acting.
Yeah, well, maybe if I had some dialogue,
or maybe if you referred to me as Santa,
it might help me get into it.
I'm a method actor.
A method?
I can't have junkies around the kids.
Well, not a method.
A method actor.
It's the style of acting
first, pioneered by Brando,
although some say that
Santa's last year is there.
Oh, look, whatever.
Most Santas are just happy to sit there,
smile, and get paid.
Most Santas aren't nighter graduates.
You'd be surprised.
And no more smoking around the kids.
Santa doesn't smoke.
Santa, Audrey and Portiault.
Hi.
One, two, three.
Smile for the camera.
Ready?
One, two, three.
Smile.
Hopefully, yeah.
Good morning.
Welcome to Santa's Toy Shop.
I'm Cindy.
I'm Noelle, and this is Jackson.
Hello, Jackson.
Hello.
Have you been a good boy for Santa this
year?
Good.
Noelle?
Noelle?
Chris, I mean, Santa, what's the cover
gone?
Bottle shop.
Which one?
Near the mall.
Okay, look, I'm five minutes away.
Put the cashier on.
What?
I want you to hand the phone to the
cashier now.
He wants to talk to you.
Who wants?
I wouldn't keep him waiting, mate.
He gets me thinking.
Who is this?
It's Tom.
Hi, Tom.
I'm Nick.
Hello.
Do not, under any circumstances,
let that man leave your store.
Do you hear me?
But... No, but... He's an
alcoholic and he's just out of rehab.
You do not want to be responsible for what
he might do.
He's dressed as Santa Claus.
He's a bad Santa.
Do you want to ruin Christmas,
Tom?
No, sir, I... Well, then,
don't let him leave.
He's scary.
Yes, you can be.
Listen, mate, I can't let you leave with
alcohol.
Yeah, I know.
Beef jerky?
You mad?
No, I'm not mad.
I'm glad.
Glad.
Yeah, right now, you
could be writing yourself off
in some ditch somewhere,
but instead, you called me.
It's positive.
You should be proud of yourself,
Chris.
Billy, I think I'm proud right now.
It's just the disease talking.
It's got a stranglehold on your mind.
Don't let it.
Control, alt, delete, reset.
I find visualization really helps.
Here, I'll do it with you.
Close your eyes.
Nick, you drive it, sorry.
You've got a lot of drive it, mate.
Yeah, I can do that, yeah.
Hi, I'm Geoff.
I'm an alcoholic.
I'd like to.
I haven't had a drink in almost three
Christmases, but... boy, am I feeling thirsty.
Man, I hate Christmases.
I hate it.
You know, it's meant to be the festive
season, but...
there's nothing festive about it.
It's kind of just a reminder of how lonely
I am and how shitty my life really is.
And without my friend Jack Daniels telling
me to get through it, it's just really,
really fucking hard.
I saw my kids and my Tracy and my replacement
at the Burger King the other night.
I was going through the drive-thru, and
they were just sitting there looking really.
..
really happy.
Scotty, my youngest, was...
dunking his fries into his caramel sundae
before you eat it.
And he was teaching it to my replacement.
And I taught him, man.
I mean, it sounds kind of silly,
but it really tore me up seeing that.
And... what hurts the
most is that it's my fault.
You know, I'm the reason where I am now,
and...
I won't get to see my kids at Christmas.
I know we're meant to be grateful
and all that, but I'm just... I'm fine.
It's really, really hard to be.
And then... I
remember you guys...
coming up.
You're my family now.
I mean, we might not
share the same blood, but
we share the same pain,
and that's just as real.
So... thanks for
listening to me today.
Thanks, Jack.
Who else would like to share?
Hi, everyone.
My name's Joe, and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Joe.
I saw my daughter today.
I haven't seen her
for... I don't know.
Twenty years.
Maybe more.
Quit my job.
Oh, I got sacked.
I...
I don't know.
Probably both.
You want to talk about it?
Lemon Idris.
We're having a picnic.
Joy took the lemons from a neighbour's
tree down the road.
We hate him.
In that case.
So what bubbly little number do you have
for us this evening, Joy?
I wrote this today.
Well, I finished it.
If you guys like it, I think I'll have
enough for an EP.
It's like a short record.
Yeah, yeah, I know it in APs.
I'm quite impressed that you've got enough
songs for an EP.
It's more of a demo till I get a record
deal.
Maybe you could give it to your agent?
If I ever hear from him again.
Okay, I dedicate this to all the deadbeat
dads out there.
What's it called?
Deadbeat dads.
Of course.
And I've got some serious daddy issues going
on, but my mummy issues are just as bad.
Just play the song, will you, Joy?
Okay.
Fuck, that guy really hates my playing.
It's cutting some slack.
He's had a bit of a tough day.
I think he got fired.
What?
I knew he wouldn't cope.
Santa's a big responsibility.
He wasn't ready.
I'll go talk to him.
No, I'll go.
No, I've been fired so many times.
I've got this.
Before you say anything, I don't hate your
music.
I think it's really, really good.
I just don't.
Ah, Nick explained everything.
It is.
Mm-hmm.
It's all right.
I've been fired so many times.
If you looked at my resume, you'd think
I'm a fool nutter.
I wasn't fired.
I quit.
Probably would have been fired anyway.
Do you want to talk about it?
No.
Sit in that smoke.
I suppose Nick told you that I saw my
daughter today.
Um, no.
He forgot to mention that pretty major
detail.
That was the first time I've seen her in
20 years.
Okay, wait just a sec.
Nick!
Get your ass out of here, pronto!
Sorry, man.
I'm not emotionally equipped to handle
this level of real.
Good luck.
You know, when we first met, you told me
that you had no daughter.
In fact, you told me you had no family at
all.
Well, I'd... I'm an
actor and an addict.
What do you expect?
Did she tell you what she wanted?
Yep.
Told me she wanted me to go to hell.
The other day, I asked you if you were
okay with the house rules.
And you said yes.
Well, technically I lied before I moved
in.
All right.
I'll give you that.
But don't do it again.
I can't have liars in this house.
Chris?
Yeah?
It's not healthy for anyone.
Are we clear?
You guys want some ice cream and Christmas
pudding?
Yeah, where'd you steal it from?
Hey, I made it.
Thank you very much.
But yes, I did steal the fix, but yeah,
I do fine.
Come on, let's go before it melts.
So, what are we going to do about your
daughter's situation?
Um, I'm not going to do anything.
Sorry, your deadbeat dad days are over.
Yeah, she's right, Chris.
Plus, you're a grandfather now, so you've
got to step up whether you like it or not.
It's not up to me.
It's up to Noel.
She made it pretty clear today.
She doesn't want anything to do with me.
You're the parent.
It's always up to you.
Ball's in your court.
Why'd you weren't there?
You didn't see her take off.
She doesn't want to borrow me.
Every daughter wants her father.
He wrote it, Chris.
In group, we talk about our purpose.
Well, this is yours.
You're lucky, Chris.
I mean, some people never find theirs.
Lucky?
Yeah, yeah, you are.
Now, right now, God, or whatever the hell
you want to believe, is reaching out to
you, and it is a sin if you don't reach
back.
You've got to do this, Chris.
I mean, I know it's hard, but...
Nothing in life that was worthwhile is
ever easy.
I wonder if she never wants to know
anything.
You just keep trying.
Christmas is the season for forgiving.
The time is nigh.
This is so exciting.
It's not a game.
This is my life we're talking about.
I know.
Isn't it wonderful?
You know, I've been knowing where she is.
Oh, you leave that to us.
Between Joy and I, we know everyone in
this town.
Everyone.
Man... I'm too young
to be her grandfather.
You look old to me.
Oldish?
How old are you?
Never asked an actor how old I am.
Oh.
I thought that was just actresses.
No.
Nice actors, too.
I'm going to hit the hay.
Night, Chris.
Night, Pops.
Do you have anything to do with this?
Well... I may have
encouraged her a little.
Right.
Well, clearly the word privacy means
nothing to you, huh?
She found her, Chris.
How is not important?
How do you even know it was Noel,
right?
You'd know absolutely nothing about her.
It was pretty easy, actually.
You're a celebrity.
You can find, like, your entire life story
on here if you dig deep enough.
What the hell are you, the bloody
paparazzi?
Hey, Christ.
Did you find her a dress?
Yes, I did, actually.
Oh, great.
Jesus Christ!
I'm sorry, Chris.
I thought you'd be happy.
I was just trying to help.
Please don't be angry at me.
It's just I'm a bit of a cocktail of
emotions at the moment, you know?
I'm going to use a cocktail about now.
Yeah, me too.
The biggest, bloodiest Mary there is.
Noel was seven the last time I saw him.
She was so scared of Santa that I had to
sit on his lap as well.
God, all those Christmas mornings I
missed.
Such a big chunk of her life I've missed.
All because I was a selfish, drunken and
vicious prick.
Go see her, Chris.
Today.
Don't waste another Christmas.
Wouldn't know what to say.
Jesus, what kind of actor are you?
I normally have a script, alright?
I'm not going to show you at this time
there is no script.
I have an idea.
Okay, so, here's how the scene's going to
go.
Chris, you're going to play Chris.
Can you handle that?
Yeah, I suppose so.
Great.
Nick, you'll be Noel.
I'm the director.
This is the front door.
Chris, you're going to knock.
Nick, you're going to answer.
You're not going to be Nick.
You're going to be Noel.
Everybody clear?
Great.
Let's get into first positions.
What am I supposed to say?
You never heard of improv?
Yeah, but what's my motivation?
Win your daughter's forgiveness and get
her to join us for Christmas lunch.
Really?
That is a great idea.
But she's just going to say no.
Are you?
Well, I'm not sure.
You'll have to convince me.
Great.
Okay, action.
Knock on the door, Chris.
Who is it?
It's me.
It's Chris.
It's your dad.
I told you, I never wanted to see your
face again.
Chris, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm acting.
Oh.
Yeah, good.
It's very convincing.
Where are you going?
I don't really know what to say.
Normally, I'm given my lines.
There's always a script, but obviously
there's no script for this.
Are you acting now?
Yes.
No, I was the finger daughter then.
Oh, well, that was really good,
Nick.
Well, thank you.
Well, anyway, I've got to shoot to the shop,
so... Yeah, just before you go, I was...
I wanted to say that...
Well, it's just...
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry for not being there for
you.
And I just thought...
I hoped.
Thank you.
I'll be able to find it in your heart to
just...
to give me just a little bit...
and just let me back into your life so
that I can, you know...
make it up to you, you know?
So maybe you...
I don't know, you might
like to drop around to our
place for Christmas lunch
or something, you know?
I just...
I don't want to spend another Christmas
away from my family.
So I can give you our address,
and if you, you know...
wanted to pop by, it would be so
great to see you and... and little Jackson.
Will they be drinking?
No, say the stream only.
Cut.
Cut.
Chris, that was so good.
Didn't you think that?
So, I mean, would you...
would you come around?
Mate, your daughter
would have to have the
hardest of hearts to
turn down that proposal.
That's the first time
in a long time that it
felt like I wasn't actually
acting, you know?
Truth can be liberating.
And all's were really painful.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry.
Oi!
There is no smoking in this car,
ever.
It's all the smoking or the vomiting.
When I get this nervous,
nausea, the only thing
that stops me from
spewing is the smoking.
Well, I'll take the vomit.
Smoking reminds me of drinking.
So just suit yourself.
Surely being a famous actor, you'd be used
to opening night jitters.
I'm a TV actor, I'm not a theatre actor.
You know, when you're a TV actor,
you get as many takes as you need.
You're gonna be fine, Chris.
Stop!
Gross.
At least he doesn't have carrot in his
spew.
Keep looking.
You'll find it.
Shoot it on, more theatre.
You ready?
Yeah, let's do it.
Oh, by the way, Chris, you're welcome this
moment.
Very wise decision, Nicholas.
Reckon she go to down with the child
support?
Easy, Joy.
I thought I'd discover residuals.
Joy?
No, we don't.
It's just that I am... Please don't
mind up against the wall and not here.
I mean, they're quite little.
Just doesn't feel like the right time.
I didn't let you vomit all over my car for
nothing.
This is your time, Chris.
This is your defining moment.
It's right here and right now.
You got this.
Right, Joy?
Hell yeah.
I got this.
I got this.
Oh, God, he's really going to do it.
Who are you?
Chris wants to be a phenomenal.
Are you now?
Oh, yes, he's not.
He's dead.
Who is it?
Gay old white guy reckons he's your dad.
Get inside of him.
No, he doesn't have a dad.
Get inside.
Joy, what the fuck?
Please don't talk to me like that.
No, I can say whatever I fucking will,
please.
You don't hurt me.
You're nothing to me.
So piss off before I call the cops and the
trespassers.
Didn't exactly go as rehearsed.
Tough crowd.
What a bitch.
No, that's not her fault.
So what now?
Wait here.
What a man.
What the hell's he doing?
What do you think he's saying?
I don't know.
Looks like it's kind of working.
What'd you say to her?
Well, I just told her that you're actually
a decent bloke.
Despite everything.
And she bought that.
We shall see.
Is she coming for Christmas?
She said she'd give me a call once she had
time to think it over.
There's a kid waving at us.
Oh, it's my grandson's.
It's Jackson.
He looks like you.
Poor kid.
Hey.
I'll have you know I was once nominated as
GQ's man of influence.
Man under the influence more like him.
All right, we'd better go before she
thinks we're stalking him.
Pretty sure she already does.
It's worth it.
The seal of hope.
The Lord's world of joys in the yonder
breaks.
When you and the glorious dawn come forth.
On your knees.
And he, the angel, He sees.
O night divine.
O Christ's Lord.
O night divine.
O night, O night divine.
Told you she didn't suck.
Remarkable.
I, um... How do
you...there's no elbow.
Oh, come on.
It's Christmas Eve.
Chris, relax.
The night is still young.
Actually, I've got to get to the shelter.
You're going to be all right here by
yourself?
My joy would kill me if I looked halfway
through the gate.
All right, how's everybody's Christmas
Eve?
So you might not realize this but we
actually have a celebrity in the house.
That's right ladies and gems, give it up
for my friend, Mr. Chris Bland.
Do you want to hear him sing a song?
Chris, Chris, Chris
Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris,
Chris, Chris, Chris,
Chris, Chris, Chris.
1, 2, 3, 4, Jingle bell,
jingle bell, jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one horse open sleigh.
Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the
way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse
open sleigh.
Um,
I'm just gonna take a break and I'll be
back shortly.
Thanks.
Hey Chris, that was awesome, mate.
Thanks, mate.
What can I get you on the house?
I'll just have a water.
Thanks, mate.
It's Christmas.
I'll get you a beer, mate.
It's just a water.
Thanks, mate.
My kids had their picture taken with you
the other day.
Oh God, right.
Don't worry, I don't kiss until...
Thank you.
Are you sure you don't want a drink?
No, no, I'm just on the waters.
Look, I've got to work tonight and the
world is a very big place.
How many letters in the alphabet,
sir?
Twenty-six.
Twenty-six?
No.
Twenty-five.
Because there is.
No way.
Joy, you are amazing.
What's the matter?
I know that bitch.
Sorry, I'm not following her.
Neeve had a slut girlfriend here.
Neeve?
Your ex?
Girlfriend.
She's such a bitch.
Hey, this is your gig, okay?
Why, she's just trying to make it jealous,
trying to get inside your head.
Yeah, well, it's working.
Well done.
Why are boys people so shitty to the ones
who love them the most?
I wish I knew the answer.
Joy, get back on.
Come on.
Hey, listen.
You've got to visualize, okay?
Yeah.
I'm right here with you.
Oh, you've got this.
Let's go.
Okay, um... Hey, Joy, wait.
It's okay, mate.
Joy, please.
Come on.
Fuck!
You asshole.
Me?
Yes!
Blind pilot's just like you, flying in and
out of people's lives, and you're just too
self-absorbed to even notice the damage
you cause.
Yeah, I can say that.
I really hope you do, for her sake.
I've got to get out of here before I fall
off the wagon.
I'll walk with you.
No, I'm not fucking up both our nights.
Hey, yeah.
Why is every woman you're involved with on
the verge of never's breakdown?
Yeah, it's just, uh, Christmas,
you know.
It's a, um...
pretty stressful time, though.
Every day is Christmas with you,
Chris.
That's not a compliment, is it?
No.
No.
You know, I was watching you closely all
night.
You didn't have a drink in your hand the
entire evening.
Thirty-four days sober.
I guess it's the start.
Getting there, yeah.
So, what time's lunch tomorrow?
Um, about Monday, if that works for you.
Yeah, perfect.
Are you sticking around, or shooting off
like you always do?
Nah, I'm not at home, I think.
I've got a, uh, pretty big day tomorrow.
Well, Merry Christmas Eve, then.
Yeah.
Thanks, Santa.
Joy!
Joy, open up!
Alright, I'll give you the can of three,
and I'm gonna bash the door down, okay?
Suit yourself.
One, two, three!
What the heck?!
Door!
I was worried, okay?
God, you weren't answering.
I had my headphones on.
I've been bashing on that door for about
five minutes.
I got a girl crying.
I always have to pat a bed of tired more.
Look, I was just worried about you,
okay?
That's all.
I'm sad, Chris.
I'm really sad.
I'm not gonna hurt myself, though.
Okay, good.
Good.
That's all I needed to know.
Hey, don't worry.
I'll fix your door.
Please, you will.
Come on, don't be so sad.
It's Christmas.
My daughter's coming for lunch tomorrow.
I'm so happy for you, Chris.
Thank you.
Okay, now leave me alone.
Stay.
Stay, stay.
You're waiting for someone?
Yeah, waiting for Santa.
But I might have a quick chat to him.
Trust me, you're definitely on his naughty
list.
She's a snake.
Oh, your face.
It's the only one I've got, Chris.
What happened?
Hey, let's get this straight, Bill.
I am your sponsor, not the other way
around.
You got that?
Okay.
Is Joy in?
Yeah, she's in bed.
She had an early night.
Well, I guess we all had a shitty evening,
didn't I?
Well, actually, I had a pretty good night.
In fact, it was terrific.
What happened?
Supposed to know well, she's coming to
lunch tomorrow.
Well, I guess Christmas miracles do
happen.
The rest of the groceries are in the car.
Yeah, right up.
Oh, and don't forget, it's bin night.
Yeah, copy that, boss.
Shit, the bins!
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
I've got a bin!
Wait up, wait up!
Hey, Nick.
Hey, Nick, wake up.
Santa's been.
Leave me alone.
Hey, there's a present for you under the
tree.
Hey, Joy!
Joy, wake up!
Come on, it's Christmas!
So what?
So, there's a present for you under the
tree.
A present?
Yeah.
Come on.
You better be bloody good.
Here he is, Captain Grumpy.
What shit, Nick?
It's fine.
It's just a workplace hazard.
You okay?
Let's just do the gift thing, yeah?
All right, first up is to Joy from Santa.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, it's heavy.
Oh my gosh!
Thank you, Santa.
How did you know?
And also from Santa, this one is for Nick.
Merry Christmas.
Get to know your barbecue.
Well, that's very thoughtful.
Thanks, Santa.
Hey, who's that one for?
Yeah, that's a group present.
That's for me, to you guys.
Who wants to open that one?
Me?
Oh, no way.
You don't have to use the iron to make
your coffee anymore.
Sorry, Chris, I didn't get you anything.
Yeah, me neither.
I didn't know you were doing gifts.
And I am flat broke.
It doesn't matter.
Your presents is seriously the best
present I could have.
This is going to be the best Christmas
ever.
Well, it's official.
I haven't stuffed.
What are you talking about?
It can't be.
It can be, and it is.
What's wrong with it?
It just doesn't turn on.
Why not?
I don't know.
I'm not an electrical engineer,
Chris.
Well, my mum always used to kick it.
Try that.
No, that didn't work.
Oh, man.
All right, where's my phone?
I'm going to call the oven man.
On Christmas Day?
Good luck.
Yeah, she's right.
The oven man won't come on Christmas Day.
Even oven men have families, Chris.
So what are we going to do?
Oh, there's always a ham.
Mate, my daughter's coming for Christmas.
We can't serve cold cuts.
It's got to be perfect.
I know.
Barbecue.
I knew I bought that gas bottle for a
reason.
You can't roast a five kilo turkey on a
barbecue plate, you idiots.
You really don't know how to cook,
do you?
FYI, Cape C's opening day.
We're not serving KFC to my daughter,
okay?
She hates me enough as it is.
What are you doing?
Neighbours.
Ah, they all hate us.
All the neighbours hate us.
Big time.
We're the only housing commission on the
street.
We've brought their property values way
down.
I've got an idea.
Oh, sorry.
You must have the wrong address.
We didn't order any milks on wheels.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not a charity.
I'm actually in need of your charity.
See, I'm from the house a few doors down,
and our oven is packed together.
Oh, the halfway house?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So our oven's broken, so I was just wondering
if we could borrow yours for... Sorry.
We need our oven all day.
We've got lots of people
coming over, so... Is this all right?
I'm just... I'm sure you understand.
No, no, please.
We'll just be perfect.
Man.
G'day, mate.
Merry Christmas.
No way.
You could bugger off.
Listen, you clean the dog shit off your
lawn, mate.
Yeah?
Oh, Merry Christmas.
Ah, Christmas dinner for me.
Thanks so much.
No, no, no, no.
I was just wondering if maybe I could
borrow your oven.
It's pretty heavy.
You're not going to be able to move it on
your own.
Oh.
No, no.
I was wondering if I could use it to roast
this turkey.
I'm in a bit of a spot.
I could really use your health.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Yeah, yeah.
Come on in, Santa.
Thank you.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
You want a cookie?
Oh, yes, please.
That'd be lovely.
All sorted.
That nice old bloke at the end of the
street came to Santa's aid.
Old bloke?
Yeah, what's his name, Mr Burbanek?
Oh, no, no.
What?
He hates us.
Like, really hates us.
No, he's cool.
He even gave me a cookie and everything.
He didn't eat it.
Yeah, it was delicious.
He's a pothead.
He sells hash cookies to the kids at the
local high schools.
Come on.
He totally played you.
No way.
Yes way.
No, he's really cool.
He was really, really happy to take the
turkey off my hands.
Be right back.
You are busted.
You are dead, Chris.
Ham burgers.
We have ham.
We make ham burgers.
I'm gonna get ready.
Cookie cake, Dan.
Big time.
Time's up.
It's 1.30.
Should we start?
No.
Why don't we say grace while we wait?
Lord, we bless this wonderful feast that
Chris has prepared for us.
And we bless our family and our friends.
Look after those who are most in need
today.
In Jesus' name we pray.
Amen.
Amen.
She's not coming, is she?
No.
I mean, I can't say I don't blame her.
You've missed how many of our Christmas
lunches?
Not helping, Julie.
No.
No, she's wrong.
I was a bloody idiot to think I should
ever consider.
Excuse me.
Your Christmas maybe gets shitter every
year.
Aye aye, I need to borrow the car.
Planning anything stupid?
You all right to drive?
Yeah.
Promise?
Don't be long.
Smoky, no western blinds.
We're good.
With the flickering of a field.
Bracket smiles.
Don't act lost.
Just what I need for you.
Merry Christmas, officer.
Merry Christmas, Santa.
You are aware that you have one taillight
out?
Shit.
That's right.
Santa, have you had anything to drink
tonight?
Keys.
Remain in the car.
Fix you up for the Uber.
Fight to get your car out of the drink.
Forget about it.
I'm taking you back to the rehab tomorrow,
Chris.
They break the rules.
You can't live with us anymore.
It's not healthy for you and it's not
healthy for us.
It's easy.
I was saying the line is, Bob,
that's a trick, aren't you?
Christ, man, I've lost everything,
you know.
I've lost my career.
I've lost my reputation.
I've lost my bloody family now,
mate.
It's yours.
What?
I found it in the back of your car,
mate, it's your bloody bottle.
Is that what this is about?
Is that why you did that?
You fucking idiot.
It wasn't my bottle.
I took it off a woman who was relapsing in
group the other night.
That's how I got this shiny shit.
Bullshit, mate!
What's a big fucking deal?
Like a pool knife by the cops, but it could
have been so much more worse, you know.
I suppose you've never done anything like
that, I miss the perfect.
Self-centered, egotistical.
Little man, it's always about you,
Chris.
It's always been about you.
You and your fucking career, hey?
You want to know how this is going to end
for you.
One day you will be driving
your car and some little bastard
will run across the road in
front of you chasing this ball.
And you'll be so shit-faced that you won't
see him in the blink of an eye.
Every fucking thing will change for you.
You want to know why I do what I do,
why I have my faith and my rules.
It's because I have to live without every
day of my life.
It's a hell of a lot worse than not being
able to act in a fucking Christmas movie.
You're out.
Fuck you.
I've got to take the bins out.
Fucking...
Happy Boxing Day.
Nobody says that.
Yeah, well they should.
Hey, um... I stole
a copy of your EP.
I had a listener.
It's really, really good.
So I'm going to send a copy
to my agent, no promises
whatsoever, but you
never know your luck, eh?
You're really going to do that?
Yeah.
And I'm going to get your car back.
Not that you're going to need it when
you're a big rock star.
Babe.
See ya.
Take it easy, Chris.
I'm calling the cops on you degenerates!
I'm sorry.
Mate.
If I had a dollar for every mistake I
made, I'd be Jeffrey Bloody Bezos.
Look, if...
If you ever need someone to talk to,
then you know where I am.
Yeah.
You know, you're pretty messed up when
your sponsor needs a sponsor.
I'm all meant as a... you know,
as a friend.
I appreciate that.
See ya later, Nick.
See ya later, Chris, you star.
Hey, your daughter just sent a message.
What does it say?
Tell Dad thanks.
I have a feeling.
Crack a smile.
I thought I'd lost.
Just what I need for the healing.
Daydreaming back to that dim little bar.
Yeah, I know I shouldn't.
Think I'll just play that guitar.
As if you thought I would.
The only thing that makes me make any
sense is the air conditioning.
When it's folded a grizzly Christmas.
Scrolling through my phone, wondering who
I'll be ringing.
There's me back out on the street.
But only for groceries.
It's the lonely trees.
Now it's the birds, the rats, and the
race.
I'm watching old Jimmy Stewart.
Must have knocked some graves.
I'm sitting in a circle, like a grateful
square.
From the past and the future, neither here
nor there.
Like a faded bauble, a cafe up the street.
Hanging its cheer all year, no one sees.
Hit the cycle, up where the birds eat my
cousin's way.
Look at me now, into coffee number three.
Before I've even started the day.
All I've learned, turned to a blur.
Just gotta stick to your gun.
Keep it simple, do your best.
Take each day as it comes.
Staring into an open fridge.
Looking for something that isn't there.