Chuck Steel: Night of the Trampires (2018) Movie Script

Nobody tells Harold
Brownlow he can't get what he wants.
Those City Hall assholes
are a bunch of blowhards!
I don't understand why
we can't get a cab
like normal people.
Hilary dear,
you don't get as rich as I am by
giving money away to cab drivers.
Besides, our hotel is just at
the other end of this alley.
You're such a cheapskate.
Come on, woman.
Watch your step!
I don't like this place.
It smells bad.
Jesus, it's a 100 yards.
Hold your nose or something.
Boy! You're a big
son of a bitch, ain't ya?
Hilary. Call a cab.
Eat this!
Son of a bitch!
Stay down!
Automated defense
protocol initiated.
Burn in hell, ninjas!
Damn you, Akumu!
Damn you!
Okay. Let's do this.
I am here
with Governor Atkins
outside Pompadour's
International circus
as it prepares for a midnight
performance tomorrow night,
in aid of the city's homeless
and organized
by the Governor himself.
Good morning, Governor,
and thank you for joining us.
My pleasure Dolly, as always.
Governor, what do
you say to your critics
who say this humanitarian
gesture of yours
is simply a smokescreen
designed to mask
some of your more
puritanical policies?
The tabloids can call
me a puritan if they so wish.
But it's just
a reactionary insult
due to my zero
tolerance stance
on anti-social behavior.
I'm referring to the abuse
of alcohol in our society.
Someone has to put their head
above the parapet, Dolly.
Which is why under
my tenure as Governor,
I will be seeking to restrict
the opening times of bars
and nightclubs together with
limits on the sale of alcohol.
If that makes me
a Puritan, then so be it.
Remember, only together,
can we make this world
a better place.
I'm ready when you are.
Fuckin' clowns.
All of 'em.
You been shooting
the appliances again?
- Give us a kiss!
- Must be the roaches.
They've started packing heat.
Any damage and I'm
adding it to your rent!
Which is now overdue,
by the way.
You'll get your money, Gussman.
Now get out of my face.
You Goddamn pervert!
Give us a kiss!
Hey, hero.
Spare some change
for an old vet?
You again?
Here's a quarter.
Buy yourself some pants
and Binaca spray.
This man bothering you, sir?
Who's asking?
Name's Koslowski, sir.
Captain Schitt sent me
to meet you.
I'm your new partner.
Oh, Jesus.
Do you have any words of wisdom
for a rookie like me, sir?
Sure. Work hard.
Eat your greens.
And never stick
your dick in a mangle.
Wait! What?
Jesus H. Christ
on a hippity-hop.
What the hell is
going on in this city?
That's the twelfth disappearance
in as many weeks.
At least this time
we have a witness, sir.
If she ever comes round.
Shit! Not again!
Goddamn it!
Where the hell is Steel!?
Um, I think he's
breaking in that
new partner
you sent him, sir.
Hmm. I wonder how
that's working out?
Probably quite badly.
Son of a bitch!
Can I just say it's a real
honor to work with you, sir.
Okay, let's get one thing
straight, kid.
I don't like you.
Who the fuck is this guy?
And before you start,
it's not because you're
a rookie or any of that crap.
The fact is
I don't much like anybody.
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking that
this tough exterior
is just my way of...
breaking in a new partner
and that after a while,
the bickering
and mutual dislike
of each other
will turn into admiration,
and who knows,
maybe even respect.
Well, I got news
for you, Butthorn.
That ain't gonna happen,
you hear me?
Sweet baby Jesus!
I'm a maverick, renegade,
loose cannon...
- Look out!
...lone wolf cop on the edge.
Who doesn't play by the rules
and I work alone!
- Got it?
- Uh-huh.
Oh, and it's
probably a good idea
to get your affairs in order.
- Huh!
Say goodbye to loved ones
and so forth.
My partners don't exactly
have a long shelf life
if you know what I mean.
Don't do drugs.
What the hell is
wrong with you?
Anyway, enjoy the ride!
So. We clear?
What the hell
were you thinking?!
Do you have any idea
how much damage you caused?
More than a little
but less than a lot?
Have you read this?!
"Beleaguered Police Captain
Jack Schitt
about as much use as
a chocolate condom!"
That's harsh.
And a little racist.
You're lucky I don't
assign you to desk duties!
Come on, Captain.
The last time I picked up a pen
it was to stab a
rapist in the nut sack!
I mean it, Steel!
You're this close to being gone.
- On what grounds?!
- Listening to hair metal
in that souped-up
penis extension of yours
and really shitty driving!
What the hell happened to you?
You used to be one of us!
Out there kicking ass
and taking names!
Now you just sit
behind that desk
sticking pencils up your ass!
I do not stick
pencils up my ass!
And Koslowski!?
I mean, come on!
How many partners is that!?
The kid just wasn't
ready for the mean streets!
Steel, he shot himself.
Damn rookies!
This lone wolf bullshit of
yours has gone on long enough.
You will work with a partner
even if it kills me!
- Shit.
- The whole precinct
threatened to walk out
if I tried to partner you
with any more of them so
I've had to go further afield.
You have a choice,
a Swedish female recruit
from the cultural
exchange program,
a hyperactive monkey
called Mr. Giggles,
or the office cheese plant!
Your call!
This is fuckin' stupid.
Okay, I'll work
with a partner
if you go one round
of "face or balls".
Damn it, Steel! I don't have
time for this shit!
Face or Balls.
It'll have to be face.
My wife is starting to wonder
why my balls are blue.
Okay, Steel.
Pick a partner!
I guess I'll go for
the Swedish broad.
You can send her in now.
Hi, welcome to the team.
No Chuck, that's Gloria,
my new secretary.
That's your new partner.
I work alone!
Steel, say hello
to Officer Ingrid Klutz.
Is the monkey
still an option?
Yeah? Well, fuck you, too!
That was the hospital.
Billionaire industrialist,
Harold Brownlow
disappeared last night
and his wife was chased
into oncoming traffic.
Seems she's
regained consciousness.
This is serious, Steel.
Brownlow was a personal
friend of the Governor.
That guy's a Goddamn lizard!
Damn it, Steel!
I am not in the mood
for your another one
of your paranoid
conspiracy theories
about how the world is being
run by shape shifting
Illuminati lizards
from another dimension!
Do you hear me?!
You'll be sorry.
Mark my words.
Get your ass over
to the hospital
and get the wife's story.
We need to find
whoever did this
or the Governor's
gonna have my ass!
Don't worry, Captain,
your ass is safe in my hands.
No, wait a second
Get out of here!
I'd open a window
if I were you.
One more thing, Steel.
Do these pants
make my ass look big?
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm a very important person!
This place
is a fucking freak show.
Ah, Officer Steel.
I've been meaning to find you.
You missed our session again.
Blow it out
your ass, Chump knuckles!
You can't keep avoiding me,
Officer Steel!
Okay, let's get
one thing straight.
I don't like you.
And before you start,
it's not because you're a woman
or any of that horse shit.
The fact is
I don't much like anybody.
I know what your thinking,
you're thinking that
this tough exterior... just my way in
breaking in a new partner
and after a while,
the bickering...
Dr. Rosenpenis to Proctology.
Calling Doctor Rosenpenis.
Hi, I'm Chuck Steel.
This is my partner
Ingrid Klutz.
Work partner!
No way would I touch that!
Hell no.
Um, I'm here to see
Mrs. Brownlow.
Room seven.
Across the hall.
Say, sweet cakes,
how about when I'm done here
we go out somewhere?
I know a great
Monster Truck festival.
I'm busy.
What about Monday?
I'm filing my tax return.
I'm burying my dog.
I stick pins in my ass.
You're trying to tell me
something aren't you?
Call for back up, lesbian!
Freeze, fudge sucker!
- Huh?
- Huh?
Die, harlot of darkness! Die!
You're busted, slime ball!
Uh, somebody's used this.
Well, thanks for
the speedy back up, Igor!
Okay, old man, start talking!
You have made
a terrible mistake.
That lady must be destroyed!
According to immigration,
you are one Abraham Van Rental.
That your real name?
She has been bitten.
In a few hours, her
transformation will be complete
and she will be consumed
with an unholy bloodlust.
Tell me, you've heard
of vampires, no?
But have you ever heard of...
You mean like a woman
who tears out your heart
and sucks you dry?
Um, no.
I mean tramps in
the sense of hobos,
derelicts, stinky
street folk, you know.
Not tramps as in harlots
or ladies of the night,
although they, too,
can be affected.
Anyway, I digress...
where was I?
Ah, yes.
Trampires are an aberration.
Half vampire, half tramp.
Although in this country,
I think you call them bums,
but Bumires doesn't
make any sense.
We wouldn't want that now.
Many centuries ago
in Transylvania,
vampires ruled over the land.
They were the
aristocracy of the time
and they fed off the blood of
the peasants without question.
But, around 1400 A.D.
everything got a bit P.C.
and their way of life
was deemed unacceptable.
They were driven out
and destined to spend eternity
wandering the land
as reviled outcasts...
Up yours!
...condemned to
a life of darkness
and of eating half-eaten
burgers out of bins.
When this happened,
they got really depressed
and took to drinking heavily.
Over the years, this
constant binge drinking,
especially on weekends,
caused their
metabolism to mutate
until their craving for blood
and their craving for cheap
booze became entwined.
Thus, the Trampire was born!
Are you on drugs?
I can prove it to you.
Tell me,
am I right in saying
that before each of
the victims disappeared
they had recently attended
a party or social gathering
which would have involved a large
amount of alcohol consumption?
Go on.
It is the same in every case.
The Trampires are only
attracted to victims
who are completely
ripped to the tits.
You don't believe me!
Fruit cake.
Where are you going?
Come back!
The Trampires are real!
They are out there!
And with every new victim,
their ranks grow ever stronger!
I believe you.
See you
on the gun range, Igor.
Ah, Steel. There you are.
I hear you have
a suspect in custody?
Yeah. Old guy.
Looks like Sherlock Holmes'
retarded brother.
Speedy work!
On another matter,
how's the anger management
therapy going?
Oh, you know.
Pretty good.
Been dealing with a lot
of feelings and stuff.
You know, emotions and shit?
Cut the crap, Steel!
I know you haven't been
to a single session!
I've been busy. I'm in
the middle of alphabetizing
my cock rock collection.
I don't need any more
"cops on the edge"
in this precinct, Steel!
So you'd better start
revealing your inner child
to this lady, or
Let me guess,
it's my ass?
No, it's your badge
and your gun!
You can shove
your ass up your ass!
It doesn't even
make any sense!
I'm in charge!
I don't need to make sense!
Face or Balls?
Okay. Balls.
I can't take
any more head shots.
My neurologist said
I have an aneurysm
the size of a tennis ball.
I think I split my ball bag!
Hmm, so you said
you feel like
Hmm, so you said
you feel like this
every waking minute
of every day?
Pretty much, yeah.
Is that it?
Please relax,
Officer Steel.
If these sessions
are to be of any use,
I require the patient
to be a willing participant.
I'm here aren't I?
Under duress, I suspect.
Look, do you want
to do this or not?
'Cause I got better
things to do, lady.
Believe it or not,
I'm here to help.
Oh, is that right? Well, I've
seen what your kind of help
is doing to the rest
of this department!
We've got Maloney
so "emotionally liberated"
that if some
street punk shot him,
he'd probably apologize
for bleeding so much!
Martinez is so in touch
with his inner child
that he won't go anywhere
without a diaper
and Sanchez is so in tune
with his sexual identity
that he's taken to wearing
a gimp mask on stakeouts!
And as for the Captain,
that's really starting
to scare me!
I'm sorry if you don't like
my methods, Officer Steel,
but I also have a job to do.
And that job is bringing
emotionally scarred
police officers like yourself
back from the brink
of self destruction.
Well, I like being
on the "brink"!
In fact, I'm thinking
of buying a house there.
It's a little farther
from the "edge"
than I would have liked
but I can always commute!
This conversation
is getting us nowhere.
Let's start over, shall we?
Tell me about your wife.
There's nothing to tell.
I had a wife and now I don't!
That's it. Can I go now?
What happened to her?
She was killed. Okay?
She's gone.
She was murdered by
a piece of shit ninja warlord
by the name of Akumu.
What happened to this Akumu?
Didn't you try to find him?
What are you saying?
You saying I don't know
how to do my job? Huh?
No. I'm simply
You saying I didn't
love my wife? Are you?
I think we should leave
things there for today.
I can see you're
becoming agitated.
This ain't agitated, lady,
believe me you don't
want to see me agitated.
You know, there's no shame
in having emotions
other than rage.
I hope you'll come
to see that eventually.
Don't hold your breath,
sugar tits.
I'll have a fire in my belly
till I'm dust in the wind.
What a prick!
Every police officer
Police are
searching right now...
Shut up!
Steel here.
Steel, the shit
just hit the fan!
There's been 12 more attacks
in the space of four minutes.
Plus, that guy
you arrested has escaped.
- Maloney?
- Maloney.
That guy is about
as useful as yesterday's piss!
We think he might be
heading back to the hospital.
Get over there now.
Anything happens
to the Brownlow woman
and the Governor
is gonna wall mount my ass
in his hunting lodge!
Sometimes I worry about
that man's state of mind.
Sir, your tits are crooked.
Oh, thanks.
Now you're going to get it.
Who dares
to enter my dwelling place?
It is I, foul wench,
Abraham Van Rental.
I have returned to
send your cursed soul
back to the boiling hell
from whence it came.
Puny human fool!
You shall never be
rid of my kind!
As long as people
keep getting shit-faced
they will be the prey
of the Trampire!
Talking of which,
I'm dying of thirst.
Have you been drinking today?
Well II had a glass of wine
at lunchtime but that's all.
That will have to suffice.
Come to me.
I thirst.
You cannot mesmerize me!
I'm British!
I am yours, succubus.
Oh, thank God!
That crazy man is back!
II think he's
trying to molest her!
Okay, step back.
I'll handle this.
Damn you!
I was about to get some.
No, It's not
what it looks like.
- She is a
- A Trampire. Yeah, I know.
You believe me?
I don't know
what I believe.
All I know is there's
some weird shit going down
and I can't explain it.
So for now, everyone
stay calm and nobody move.
Is that supposed
to be funny?
We are too late.
She has already turned.
There is nothing
we can do for her now.
Come closer, pretty one,
so that I may feast
on your exquisite veins.
No thanks.
I gave at the office.
You will pay
for your insolence!
The check's in the mail.
Let's get some
light in here.
What the hell?
Die, hell-bitch, die!
Uh, okay, Doc, take it easy.
The Master will
make you pay for this!
- He is coming soon!
- Huh?
You shall all pay
with your souls!
Wait! Close the curtains!
Oh, shit!
Oh, flaps.
What's wrong?
She spoke of the Master.
This could be worse
than I thought.
Well, she ain't gonna
tell us anything now.
- Huh?
- Agh!
Get it off me!
It's biting my nose!
Get it off me!
Help me!
Hold still!
Take it off!
Oh, God!
Help me! Help me,
you great lummox!
Now, this might hurt a little.
- Huh?
- Argh!
Not the hair! Not the hair!
Get it away from me!
I love you.
Come on, you little bastard!
I'll tan your ass!
I'm stuck!
Yo! Bat thing!
Come on.
Eat lead!
Do you like that, huh?
Is that what you want?
It's not
what it looks like.
Somebody get some lube!
What the fuck!
Damn it, Steel!
That was our only witness!
What in the hell happened?!
Well, Captain, first she
turned into a Trampire
so we opened the drapes.
Then she turned into
a bat and bit my nose
so I killed her with a pencil.
What?! And how could you lose
another partner for Christ's sake!
I just got my ass chewed out
by the Swedish ambassador!
And he had a beard.
Now that wasn't my fault.
She was a real clumsy broad.
And what the hell
is it with your nose, Steel?
You look like
Karl Malden on steroids!
He has been bitten
by one of them!
Soon, the poison will work
its way through his body.
By midnight tonight he will have
become a creature of darkness
whose only goal is to attack
drunk people
coming out of bars!
Who the fuck is this guy?
Look, it's a long story,
Just give me till midnight.
If I haven't found
this psycho by then,
you can personally drive
a stake through my heart.
- Liver.
- What?
To kill a Trampire, you must
pierce the liver, not the heart.
So what do you say, Captain?
It's tempting, but I'm
sorry, Steel, not this time.
You're off the case,
as of now.
I'm putting you on security
detail at the circus tonight!
To hell with that!
I ain't no Goddamn clown!
Steel, you're lucky
to get that!
I've just got
your psych report.
Dr. Cular says you've got too
many unresolved anger issues
because of what happened
to your wife.
How many times do
I have to tell you people?
I do not have a
Goddamned anger problem!
Damn it, Steel!
You're the best
Goddamn cop on the force
but when are you going to
realize it's not 1985 anymore!
It's 1986!
Now where was I?
You were about to go
one round of "Face or Balls".
I was?
Sure you were.
You heard him, right?
Uh, okay.
It'll have to be face
this time.
My prostate's pulsing
like a son of a bitch.
You're gonna have
to tell me the rules
to this game one day, Steel,
'cause I'm sure I said face.
Oh, sorry.
Well, that should
buy us a few hours.
Let's go.
I have a plan.
Okay, Giggles, you're up!
Let's get one thing straight.
I don't like you.
And before you start,
it's not because
you're a Goddamn monkey
or any of that crap.
The fact is
I don't much like anybody.
I know what your thinking.
Your thinking
this tough exterior
is just my way of breaking
in a new partner.
And then after a while
the bickering
and mutual dislike
of each other...
This is your plan?
Get shit-faced?
Bait, dear boy.
If we can consume
enough alcohol
then we might be able to lure
the Trampires out of hiding.
At least,
that's usually how it works.
What are you talking about?
Ancient scrolls tell
of a mythical Trampire
known as The Master.
He is prophesied to
be able to hold his drink
a lot better than the others.
The scrolls also state that
this "Leader of Trampires"
will attempt to bring
about the "Lock-in"
an ancient curse
that will turn the skies
to an eternal night
and transform water
into cheap cider.
The resultant darkness will cause mass
depression amongst the peoples of the world
and nearly everyone
will start drinking heavily,
creating a never-ending food
supply for the Trampires.
The sober world
we know shall be no more!
There is also a legend
that tells of the chosen one,
a man who will defeat
the Trampires once and for all.
But personally I think
that bit is bullshit.
So how do we
find this Master?
Bait, dear boy, bait.
Steel, you here?
Don't be a chicken,
Mr. Butterworth.
I'll get my money one way
or another, you bum.
Oh, shit!
Oh, boy!
Am I gonna have some
fun with this!
Mr. Butterworth!
Oh, my God!
Wait! No!
So how did you
get into this game, Doc?
Hunting Trampires, I mean.
It's been a family
business for centuries.
My father hunted Trampires,
as did his father before him,
and his father before him
And his father before him.
Yeah, I get the picture.
No, his father was a plumber.
So what about you,
is there a Mrs. Steel?
I don't want to talk about it.
God, I loved that woman!
What happened?
Oh, uh, she died.
- What?!
- Murdered by a ninja asshole
by the name of Akumu.
What a bummer!
Damn straight!
Damn you, Akumu!
Damn you!
Can I just say,
you have the biggest penis
I've ever seen on a man.
I know.
You motherfu...
We're going to walk the streets
looking for tramps.
Whatever floats
your boat, buddy.
- Hey!
- Sorry!
Ow! Ah!
Don't so drugs!
Why would you do that?
There he is! Get him!
Leave me alone!
Fuck it!
It's no good.
My hangover's kicking in
and we ain't found squat.
There is one thing we can try
but you're not
going to like it.
Fifty bucks
and the monkey can watch.
Thank you,
fair lady of the night.
You guys are into
some kinky shit.
Goddamn perverts everywhere.
You can come out now.
She's gone.
I am seriously not
happy about this!
Statistically, the Trampires
attack drunken couples
more than any other
I still don't see why
I had to wear the dress?
Well, I couldn't pull that off.
Not with my legs.
Besides, there's no
time to argue.
Time is
running out for you.
So now what?
Now we walk. And we wait.
Bloody hell! That worked
quicker than I anticipated.
Back, servant of twilight!
Quickly! We must not
lose sight of him.
He may lead us to the nest!
Jesus. How do you
walk in these things?!
Give me your truck!
Bite me!
He bit me!
He's getting away!
Come on!
Fucking shoes!
Come on.
Don't dilly dally.
Give me my clothes.
I need to change
out of this shit.
Oh, uh, I'm afraid
I dropped them in the alley.
You asshole!
I think we might be
on to something here, you know.
If I'm not mistaken, this could
well be the Trampires lair.
Gee. You reckon?
What the hell?
It looks like freshman
week at Betty Ford's.
This is definitely the nest.
But there's more
of them than usual.
It's Harold Brownlow.
He looks like shit.
It is too
late for him I'm afraid.
He is one of them now.
What the hell?
- You know her?
- Sure.
She's the department shrink!
It looks like she's
much more than that.
It looks like
she is The Master.
But she can't be!
I've seen her in daylight.
She didn't even
break a sweat.
The scrolls tell us
that the Master
is stronger
than the others.
To kill him, or her,
you must use three methods
within a 15 minute window.
For example, a stake
through the liver
in broad daylight
whilst hosing him
or her down with Holy coffee.
Are you making this
shit up as you go?!
Thank you, my brothers.
It warms the blood to see
so many of you here tonight.
It has been a long road
but our journey's
nearly at an end.
The task of sabotaging
the L.A.P.D. is now complete.
Their heads are now so full
of meaningless psychobabble
that when it comes
to the final battle,
they will be unable
to protect the Puritan.
Believe it or not,
some of the poor saps
even began cross dressing!
Not a Goddamn word.
Tonight, we will drink
the blood of the Puritan,
the "Lock-In"
will come to pass
and we shall
reign over the humans
and reclaim the glory of
our forefathers.
So who's this Puritan guy?
The scrolls speak
of a sworn enemy of
the Trampires
called the Puritan
a man of great social standing
who threatens
their way of life.
If memory serves me correctly,
he must be sacrificed
at midnight,
in a public arena,
to bring about the "Lock-In".
They've been calling Governor
Atkins a Puritan on the news a lot
he's been clamping down
on liquor licenses.
If there's less drunk
people on the streets,
the Trampires food supply
would dwindle.
That's bound
to piss them right off.
Atkins is attending
a charity event tonight.
They're going to
hit him at the circus.
- Oh, shit.
- What is it?
My wife is...
What?, dead.
My wife is dead.
Killed by ninjas.
I know. You said.
Let us pack up
our cardboard coffins
for the final time,
my brothers.
Our destiny awaits us
at the strike of midnight!
They're gonna leave.
We gotta do something!
Will you keep still.
They're gonna see us.
Um, Chuck, I fear
we may have
a situation developing.
Help me.
Get him off me!
Will you keep still?!
I'm trying to get a grip!
He's all sweaty.
I can feel his helmet
through my britches!
Quit squirming,
will you?
Pull him off!
I don't think he needs
any help in that department!
Will you
just shoot the bastard?
Eat this!
I think they
might've heard that.
Okay, you hell bastards!
Let's dance!
Officer Steel,
what a pleasant surprise.
Nice outfit.
Looks like my sessions with you
have had an affect after all.
This old thing?
Unhand me, you
malodorous mendicants!
As for you,
you interfering little shit!
Your forefathers have
caused me no end of hassle
over the centuries!
How does it feel to know you
will be the last of your kind!
Ah! That's what
you think, homunculus!
Why even as we speak,
my 15 year old grandson Algernon
is in training
to take over my mantle.
If he can just
stop masturbating long enough.
Cease your prattling, fool!
Give it up, lady, We know about
your plan to kill the Governor.
You'll never get away with it.
Oh, I will, Officer Steel.
It is my destiny.
It's your destiny
to be locked in a rubber room
with a box of crayons,
you crazy bitch!
Well you're not exactly playing
with a full deck now are you?
Not since your
wife left you.
I thought your wife
was killed by ninjas?
He fed you that story,
too, did he?
The elusive ninja master Akumu,
arch nemesis of the legend
that is Chuck Steel!
All lies I'm afraid.
The truth is a little more
human, shall we say.
Where the hell
did you get that?
Oh, it's amazing how helpful
your landlord could be
with my teeth clamped
round his throat.
- "Dear Chuck...
- Oh, God, no!
"...I know this
might come as a surprise,
"but I'm leaving you.
"You're a misogynistic,
Neanderthal, asshole
"with stupid hair
and a laughably oversized chin
"that looks like
a loaf of bread.
"I've met someone else.
"His name is Barney.
"He works at a world
renowned traveling circus
as their premier
clown in residence."
Shut up, damn it!
Shut up!
"He's a giant in the
world of physical comedy,
"an expert unicyclist and a better
lover than you could ever be.
Please, no more.
"P.S. Don't try to find me
or Barney will set
the lions on you."
His wife
left him for a clown!
Please, God, make it stop!
Oh, you poor bastard.
I swear to God, I am going
to kill every last one of you
dirty stinking mother f...
Welcome back to
the land of the living, Officer Steel.
While you were out,
we force fed your friend
three bottles of cheap whiskey
and he is now
completely hammered.
Let's go to a club.
And since your nose
is no longer swollen,
we know that the toxins
are now in your system.
Soon the cravings will begin
and your friend
will look more appealing
to you than a trolley dash
in a liquor store.
You will feast on his blood
and your transformation
will be complete.
Son of a bitch!
But I'm not a monster.
You're probably going to need
some therapy after this
so I've left my business
card with Steve here.
Call me.
I like him.
He's silly.
I was enjoying that.
Psst. Chuck.
Fear not. I'm not
actually that drunk.
As part of my training I learned
to pass alcohol through my system
so fast that
it has minimal effect.
The only downside is
the cost of the dry cleaning.
Leave me. Get away.
Listen, Doc,
you have to kill me.
I'm going to turn into one
of them any time now.
Come on, old boy.
Snap out of it.
That's easy for you to say.
My reputation
is shot to shit.
Being the best Goddamn cop
on the force is what I do.
It's who I am.
Without that I'm nothing.
Nonsense, my boy.
Here drink some of this.
- What is it?
- A secret elixir
that helps stave off
the symptoms for a while.
Why didn't you
mention this before?
It is only to be consumed
in an emergency
as it only works
once I'm afraid.
It's made up of a mixture of
tomato juice and Alka-Seltzer.
Oh, and pulverized
giraffe sphincters.
Oh, bugger.
Put 'em up, you bounder!
Steve, you fucking prick!
I'm starting to get agitated!
- How do you feel?
- Okay, I think.
Good. The elixir
has bought us a few hours.
We need to get to the circus
before the show starts.
Yo! Giggles,
let's blow this shitbox!
You know, when he isn't
throwing his turds around,
he's a damn good partner.
I need help!
Chuck! Get to the circus!
Save the Puritan!
But first. I'd change into
something less slutty
if I were you!
God damn it!
Oh, I can see my hotel!
What the hell?
"If you're reading
this then I'm guessing
"there's a higher
than average chance
"that Mr. Giggles is fubarred.
"So, in an effort to get ahead
of the game with this situation
"here's your new partner,
you psychotic son of a bitch.
Oh, not this shit again.
"This is your
last chance, Steel.
"Fuck this up and I swear
your ass is history!
P.S. If you're coming back to the office,
can you pick up some milk? We're all out."
Son of a bitch!
What the hell?
That was here
when I moved in.
Where's my rent?
Listen to me, Gussman, you've
been bitten by a Trampire.
Pretty soon all you'll want to do
is drink the blood of drunk people
and spend the daylight hours hiding
in a cardboard box on Shit Street.
Now if you let me
get my crossbow
and get out of this skirt,
there's still time to fix this.
You Goddamn pervert!
Oh, shit.
This is coming out
of your deposit!
Deposit this!
There's never anything on TV!
Oh, shit!
Destructive sequence initiated.
You gotta be shitting me!
Give us a kiss!
Give us a kiss!
Give us a kiss!
Give us a kiss!
Fuck you, Butterworth!
- Seven, six...
- Give us a kiss!
Oh, give me a fucking break!
Three, two, one...
Have a nice day.
Okay, let's get
one thing straight.
I don't like you.
I peed my pants!
Easy there, son,
you've had quite a knock.
Where am I?
Who are you people?
Name's Dora.
This here's Bum Central.
It's not much but it's home.
How did I get here?
Stretch over there,
he's been watching me
for awhile now.
I know you, don't I?
Howdy, son.
Why do they call you Stretch?
Huh? Oh.
'Cause I hide all my loose
change in my foreskin.
Just don't ask where
he keeps his wallet.
I heard that!
Is that my stuff?
What are they doing?
Wooden-tipped bullets.
They are making
a few modifications.
I hope you don't mind.
Here we found this, too.
From someone special, huh?
It's all I have left
of my wife.
I'm sorry.
Did she die?
She left me for
a circus clown.
What's their problem?
They know you've been bit.
Wondering how come
you ain't turned yet.
A friend of mine gave me, uh...
Wait a second. You know?
About the Trampires?
Come with me, son,
you need to see something.
This way.
Look, in the mural.
It's you.
This lone wolf bullshit of
yours has gone on long enough.
The Master
will make you pay for this.
He is coming.
I love you.
I can feel
his helmet through my britches!
This is your
last chance, Steel.
Fuck this up, and
I swear your ass is history!
What the fuck
is that?
We call him
The Wise One.
He's been down here
for 30 years,
ever since he was fired
from Goldman Sachs
for taking a shit
in the elevator.
Is it him?
Is one of you gonna tell me
what the fuck is going on here?
The legend speaks of a man
who will fall from the skies
with the tools that can bring
about the Trampires destruction.
Oh, my God!
You are the chosen one,
my friend.
We're going to
the circus, fudge suckers!
Mind your fucking language!
And here we see
Governor Atkins arriving
at tonight's charity event.
Indeed this whole midnight show
was the Governor's idea
as a way as a way to highlight the
plight of the homeless on our streets.
He truly is
a man of the people.
Who's here again?
Some of these poor
bastards aren't gonna
make it through tonight.
Son, some of these
poor bastards
weren't gonna make it
through to breakfast.
The prophecy begins.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Wait! Wait! Come back!
There's been
a terrible mistake!
Uh, where the fuck is everyone?
We gonna rumble or what?
Hey, Governor!
Sit down, you fat fuck!
This is Mother Hen
calling all stations.
- Check in.
- All clear on my end.
Back passage
ready for action.
I bought a balloon!
Nobody teabags
Abraham Van Rental!
I haven't thought
this through!
Oh, shit!
Feel my shaft,
ungodly swine!
Where is a pig's liver anyway?
Will you just fucking die?!
Smoky bacon!
- Who are these guys?
- And now, ladies and gentlemen.
Keep your nut down, darling.
The world famous Coco
and his Bunch of Clowns!
You bastards!
Ah. There's the rabble.
We're not going
to make it in time!
I need to get hold
of Jack somehow.
I got a phone!
Schitt here.
Captain, it's Steel.
Listen to me.
You've got to get the
Governor away from the circus!
What the hell are you
talking about, Steel?
Is the cheese plant with you?
- He didn't make it.
- That's it Steel!
You're officially
on suspension as of now.
Now would you just shut up
a second, you big fruit!
The shrink who's been
messing with your head.
She's the leader
of a group of vampire bums
called Trampires and she's
heading your way to kill the Governor.
The shrink was right.
You've finally gone over
the edge, Steel!
Now if you don't mind I'm trying to
watch the funny looking tramp clowns.
They've got pies
and everything.
What did you say?
- I said they've got pies and
- No, the clowns!
What did you call them?
Tramps. You know,
more Charlie Chaplin
than Ronald McDonald.
Oh, my God!
You've got to get the
Governor out of there, Captain!
- Captain!
- Steel?
Goddamn piece of shit!
You asshole!
Is this a European circus?
Ooh, I've got the D.T.'s.
Oh, bollocks!
Yep. Definitely French.
It's a dude!
Bring me the Puritan!
I'm ready for my
next session, Doc.
We cannot be stopped
by just one man!
That's okay.
I don't work alone!
Sir, we have to get
you out of here now!
No shit!
Out of my way!
Welcome to the party, Doc.
- I've got a splitting headache.
- Me, too!
Is it safe?
Is it safe? Is it fuck!
Come on!
Protect the Governor!
Hang on.
Oh, God. What have I done?
Fuck off!
Hold on, Maloney!
Don't you die on me!
You big dumb son of a bitch.
Do me a favor, Captain.
Tell my wife...
tell her I never
really loved her.
I only married her
to get close to her sister.
Will you do that for me, sir?
You can tell her
yourself, Maloney.
I don't think so sir.
Harry? Is that you?
God, please don't let me die.
Tally ho!
Don't you know who I am?
He don't know jack shit!
He does now!
Good to have you back, Captain.
Good to be back.
Those lace panties
were giving me thrush.
What the hell is going on?
Who are these people?
We're the unwashed
masses, Mr. Governor.
And you owe us big time.
Ain't that right, Stretch?
Another one for the nest egg!
Oh, Stretch.
She can't be still alive!
I emptied a clip of wood-tipped
bullets into her liver!
You have to use three methods
within a 15-minute window.
Join us!
Get the Governor out of here!
I'll hold her off!
- Are you crazy?
- He's not crazy.
He's the best Goddamn cop
on the force.
He's also the chosen one.
Of course. That's why
you have such a big penis!
I'm just a cop!
Now get the hell out of here
and let me do my job.
Oh, no.
The elixir has worn off.
The transformation is upon you.
Oh, my... God!
That's got to be the grossest
thing I've ever seen.
And I've got hemorrhoids!
Go! Now!
You heard the man, Schitt!
Get me out of here!
Hold on, Chuck!
There's still
time to save your soul!
Try to hold on to your...
Oh, rat's cocks!
Sober up, Satan spawn!
That's two out of three,
you sepulchral harlot!
Are we leaving or what?!
You are making
a big mistake lady!
Foolish mortal!
That's where you're wrong!
What the hell
is happening now!?
You got me.
The scrolls never
mentioned this shit.
I told you he was
a fucking lizard!
This is our world!
Chuck! We still have
to protect the Puritan!
Even if he is a giant lizard!
Will you keep still,
you greasy freak?!
Motherfucking lasers!?
Oh, give me a fucking break!
Have no fear!
The Chosen One is here!
Reminds me of
my wedding night.
No! It cannot be!
That's strike three, bitch!
Time to die.
Huh? Maybe not!
Chuck, catch!
Now I'm agitated!
Come on!
This Schitt's getting
too old for this shit!
- Chuck?
- Lucy?
Oh, shit!
We need to talk.
Whoa! Giant lizard!
Doc, are you okay?
Uh, I think so.
Now that the Mistress
is vanquished,
you can kill that asshole!
And how exactly do you
kill a big fucking lizard, Doc?
With big fucking bullets!
Ooh, yeah!
Let's do this!
Chew on this,
you alien mother!
Hang on, Jack!
It's nothing personal.
I'm just trying to make
this world a better place!
Yo! Fish lips!
I'm ready when you are!
Oh, come on!
Oh, no, you don't.
Come here, you little shit!
You scaly son of a bitch!
It ends here, harridan!
Oh, yeah!
Eat my justice!
Liver let die!
I hate politics.
Authorities are baffled
by tonight's events
and are still unaware of the
location of Governor Atkins.
Rescue teams have failed
to locate a body...
Are you okay?
You look... different.
Yeah. I guess when you
work with custard all day
something's got to give.
Oi! She's happy now!
So bugger off,
you lanky twat!
Button it, munchkin!
I know how
to treat her right!
I give her what she needs!
What, low shelving?
Up yours, Blondie!
For God's sake, stop it!
I can't take this!
Sorry. Just tell me one thing.
Did you really mean all those
things you said in your letter?
What are you
talking about?
I didn't leave any letter.
Ah, that may have been me.
Well, we couldn't just
leave without saying
goodbye now, could we?
Excuse me a second.
You want some of this
do you? Come on then.
Yeah! I'll do you from in 'ere!
Fuck you!
Sorry. I had no idea
he had done that.
So does this mean I wasn't a
complete washout as a husband?
Of course, you weren't.
You just never understood
what it meant to me
to make balloon animals
and pour custard down my pants.
And I couldn't expect you to.
I could've changed.
I started wearing bigger shoes.
Face it, Chuck, you work...
There he is!
That's the man!
He's the imposter!
Stop him!
He's gone nuts!
I'll expect the paperwork
on my desk in the morning.
Go fuck yourself.
I could've fired him.
Well, that was
jolly good fun wasn't it?
Yeah, right.
There's bound to be more of
those lizards out there.
Also, I'm not sure
if I've mentioned this
but there is an equally
deadly force out there
that must be thwarted.
You have heard
of werewolves, no?
But have you ever heard of...
werewolf prostitutes?
Or whorewolves, if you will.
They're bloody everywhere!
Face or balls!
Oh, flaps.