CHUM! (2024) Movie Script
1
This is Kyle Hammond.
I am chief scientist at NH.
I am currently working on the reanimation
of the second batches of sharks.
We successfully reanimated the first batch,
so now we're working on the second batch,
and I have my partner.
This is very lovely experiment that we're doing.
It's very, very rewarding, very exciting.
Um, what I have here is the blood from the first batch
of baby great white sharks,
and inside is also the parasite
from the ant.
I will be injecting this into the shark now.
Now, this will not reanimate the shark just yet.
This is just the first dose of blood.
Now,
we will extract the blood
from my partner's head.
This needle goes directly into the brain
and sucks out the fluid from the brain.
And then we inject it into the shark.
And this shark should,
like the first batch, reanimate.
I'm now releasing the blood from the brain,
and now I will be injecting it into the shark.
And that is done.
And now, we watch.
Marcus.
Yeah, the second batch is ready.
What?
What do you mean you've lost the first batch of sharks?
I literally just shit myself.
Marcus, how do you lose
a cooler full of sharks?
Marcus, you don't know what you've done.
You've doomed us all.
You've doomed us all.
Oh, Dr. Straous, thank you so much
for having us here today.
Really appreciate it.
I hope you don't get offended by anything that we ask.
You know, let's be honest, these scripts,
they're written for me and handed to me.
And honestly, I really don't care what's happening.
I really don't. I'm just here for my paycheck.
And we are rolling in three, two, one, action.
Good day, VA, thanks for coming our way.
This is Katie Cordial
with your morning news and the cherry on top.
Today's special guest is Dr. Straous.
Dr. Straous, thank you for having us.
Thank you for having me.
Dr. Straous, do you really think that you can bring
the great white shark back from extinction?
Actually, due to black-market fitting
and irresponsible commercial fishing,
the great white shark is now considered
to be 98% extinct, not 100.
And yes, I do.
Oh, so how do you plan to execute that, Dr. Straous?
Well, we have isolated a compound from a particular fungus
that is sometimes found in a species of ant.
In a controlled environment,
we merge that compound with the human DNA.
Once that formula is uniform,
we inject it into a cadaver limb.
Due to the chemical properties of that compound,
the cadaver limb then acts as an incubator
for the new life that we have created.
And after a relatively short gestation period,
the cadaver limb itself becomes the new shark.
Oh, Dr. Straous, that seems just a tad barbaric,
don't you think?
Barbaric?
This is scientific genius.
This is why people donate their bodies to science.
Genius?
It's more like creating monsters.
Monsters? These are not monsters.
This is gonna be a new species that reproduces and thrives.
Oh, so you're playing God?
Miss, what you call playing God means nothing
to a woman of science.
In the line of work that I do, there is no God.
Ugh. okay, we'll be back after these messages.
I tell you now this tale of woe
Not about a lady but one fucking hoe
Believe you me she was not a witch
When she sucked my cock, she was one bad bitch
I gave my heart to a whore
I made love to a whore
She was nothing but trash
But I kept coming back for more
Happy birthday.
So what's up with Kat, man?
Man, I don't know.
She's been all back and forth lately.
It's weird, you know.
Like, like get this.
The other night, her ex texted her.
Mm.
You know, one of those, like, "What you doing?"
kind of texts.
Right.
You know about it.
Yeah.
But, like, you know, so I was joking around with her.
I was like, "Yo, you gonna text him back?"
She looked at me like she was gonna cut my damn head off.
So you ain't get any did you?
Nah, but, like, she's been acting real weird,
like, real weird.
Like, she ain't drinking.
That's a good thing, though.
I wish I could stop drinking.
I mean, it's probably a good thing.
And you ain't gonna quit drinking.
Come on. Let's be real.
Let's be real, yeah, yeah.
You're right.
You're right.
But get this.
She been throwing up in the morning,
like, the past few days.
Uh-oh.
Yeah.
Don't fucking say it.
Don't you say it.
I mean, that's not such a bad thing.
I mean, I think you'd be a good dad.
I mean, you still play with toys.
I'm fucking 44, dude.
I mean, yeah, kid will come out
with a whole-ass beard, though.
I'll take that one.
I'll take that one.
Yeah, he gonna come out
with a fucking full beard.
Cheers.
Yeah, yeah.
Shit, not to change the subject,
but you know what's really weird?
Hmm?
It's noon.
And?
This place is usually full by now.
Maybe everybody's going sober.
Yeah, maybe, but shit, I haven't seen Gary
since he got us the beers.
I really like that Gary guy.
Gary is pretty cool.
He's the best.
He's awesome.
Anyways, man.
You watch too many damn fucking movies, bro, too many.
Shit, I know, I know.
We say that now, but when shit happens, who you gonna call?
Not you, maybe your brother.
Half.
What?
He's my half brother.
Bro, he's your brother.
You don't know the shit he's put me through.
Yeah, but, like, who was there
when you got all screwed up?
He was.
But I mean, we're just two different people, man.
All right, dude, I mean, I'll let it go,
but you know what I'm talking about.
I did see something on the news the other day.
Yeah?
This, like, scientist woman
talking about getting rid of extinction
or bringing animals back from extinction,
some weird shit, man.
Like that dinosaur movie?
But no, man, she was, like, real serious.
Like, she said she found a way to stop extinction
with great white sharks with a parasite.
A parasite?
Mm-hmm,
like the ones that get inside of ants.
Oh, yeah, like, they, they devour their brains
and then turn their bodies into zombies.
I read that somewhere.
Well, you know what?
it sounds like bullshit to me.
Maybe.
Oh, shit.
Kat?
Yeah, we should go.
Ay, ay
It's a band of thieves
We're dead
We're all gonna die
Mr. Biggles.
What you think about that, Mr. Biggles, huh?
You wanna new daddy?
No.
Karen, Karen.
Karen.
Poor baby.
Jesus Christ, he's late again.
I can't keep doing this.
I've got a very busy, busy schedule.
You know how many other appointments I have?
Have a scientist, a preacher.
Like, I honestly can do better.
Not working, Mr. Biggles deserves better.
No.
No, no, no.
Stop.
Dogs, is that you?
No, no, stop it.
No, no, no.
Oh, no, please, help.
Mr. Biggles?
Josh?
Mr. Biggles?
Hello.
Hello.
Josh, Mr. Biggles, hey, hey.
You know I don't like waiting on answers.
I'm a very impatient person.
If you see anything, if you see anything,
we can go up there.
We can go up right on the way to the landfill right up in-
I didn't hear anything about that.
Shit, we could-
You ain't heard about that?
definitely go to that.
And then they build
trash on trash.
Trash on trash.
Trash on trash.
Hey, you good, man?
Hey, what's up man?
Yo, get outta here.
I'm gonna tell you one more time.
Get outta here.
Bro, bro.
Motherfucker.
Dude, what the fuck, man?
I can't run in these fucking flip-flops.
Oh, Marcus, Marcus.
Marcus, I had your back the whole time, man.
I was right there.
You totally left me, dude.
I was fucking right there.
Look what the fuck
just happened.
What the fuck?
Jesus.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck was that?
We gotta get this looked at.
What the fuck was that?
What the fuck? What the fuck?
No, that guy's fucking crazy, man.
Holy shit.
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, dude, crazy-ass bum, man.
Dude, dude, dude, dude.
Holy shit, dude, man.
No, bro,
you can't turn the fucking water on, man.
You gotta let the blood clot.
What are you talking about let the blood clot?
Dude, if you get it wet, it's gonna fucking bleed out.
It won't let the fucking blood, trust me, bro.
I know what I'm talking about.
I'm sure that's not how that works.
That's how that fucking works. Just trust me.
You, ooh, you gotta let me smell it.
You gotta let me smell it.
Ah, all right, go ahead. Make it quick.
And what did that do?
Well, it doesn't do anything.
I just, whenever I see blood, it's a thing I've got, man.
I gotta smell it when I see blood.
Could you please just go get some bandages
or something?
Where the fuck
am I gonna get fucking bandages-
Well, look around.
from, bro?
I, I, I'm looking.
I don't fucking see any.
Kat's here, right?
Oh, fuck, she is.
Go get her.
Kat, Kat.
Yes.
Kat.
Yeah.
Marcus was bit.
What?
Some fucking weirdo bit Marcus.
What are you talking about?
Where,
where are the fucking bandages?
I need bandages.
Uh, we,
we don't have bandages.
We have, uh, duct tape under the sink.
Duct, fuck.
I'll be out in a minute.
Hello.
Drink from the pool of deceit
My mind and body you will meet
And craven love will rain down on you
Is only for his wretched chosen few
Apostasy
Deny the virgin born
Malevolence
We are forever scorned
Obsession
The prophecy maligns
The Christians
Will wish they were never born
Blasphemy
Hang him up on a cross
We will forgive him not
I'll live my life as I please
While you live down on your knees
Down on your knees
It hurts.
Fucking Christ here.
'Kay, who got bit on what?
Oh, all right, hold on, hold on.
Let me look. Let me look.
Ow.
Mm, uh, really?
What?
I mean,
it's just all this for that.
It fucking hurts.
Uh, well, um, wait.
He said a, a person bit you?
I think some, like, crackhead or something.
I'm not really sure.
Uh, well, we should get it looked at.
With what, insurance?
Yeah.
I can't find the tape, Kat.
Danny, it is under the sink.
Got it.
Marcus, did you at least kick this guy's ass?
I beat the shit out of him.
Okay, good.
I found tape.
Tape?
Thank you.
Yeah, you're gonna be all right, bro.
We got you.
It's this or the hospital.
Yeah, you're gonna be all right.
Fuck it, fine.
Okay.
Thanks.
I'll put it
back under the sink.
So, um,
I can't make any promises, but I think you're good to dance.
Oh, that was crazy, bro.
I found the tape.
How are we friends?
That's a good question, bro.
Hey, thanks for patching Marcus up.
Yeah, sure.
So, um, what exactly happened out there?
I, I don't know, man.
Some crackhead bit him.
Yeah, but no, that doesn't, that doesn't make sense.
People don't just bite people for no reason.
Were you guys hammered?
Why the fuck does booze have anything to do with this?
Yeah, we had a beer.
I'm just, I'm just saying, you guys have been going out
and drinking a lot more lately,
and you've been getting a little stupider each time.
So I can only assume that you pissed somebody off,
and then he fucking bit Marcus.
Well, you stopped drinking for like two weeks,
and now all of a sudden, uh, you goody two shoes here,
and, uh,
I mean, come on.
Look,
I'm, I'm just saying that I'm just getting tired
of all this fucking bullshit.
All everybody wants to do is just get hammered,
and go party, and, and do nothing with their lives.
Like, I would like to get away from here,
and move somewhere, and you know, raise a kid.
Where is this coming from, Kat?
And what's up with the kid talk, huh?
What, what, this isn't something that we've talked about.
What's up with the fucking kid talk?
What is going on?
I'm pregnant.
You're what?
You heard me?
Is it mine?
Excuse me.
Is it mine?
How the fuck are you gonna ask me that?
I'm telling you.
Like, that's all you have to say to me?
Really?
It's my fucking birthday. You know what?
I would like to just be left alone for a little bit
because, uh, again, uh, this, I think you've forgotten
that it is my birthday.
I need to just chill the fuck out.
You're pissing me off, and why don't, you know,
why don't you go check on our friend
who got bit by a human and see if he's turning
into a zombie or something.
I'm pissing you off?
I'm pissing you off, huh?
Yeah, yeah.
That's how this is?
Yeah.
I'm gonna need you to leave.
You gonna talk, you gonna tell me
you're pregnant and then tell me
to get the fuck out?
Yeah.
Is that, fine. You know what?
I will go see what fucking-
Awesome.
Marcus is doing.
Awesome, thank you.
Hey, Danny, look, I know I said I wanted to be alone,
but wait, what?
Hey.
Happy birthday.
Aw.
Wait, where's my present?
That's it.
Where are you going?
Where are you, hey, what are you doing?
I'm making a sandwich.
This is what I'm talking about.
It's my birthday, and all you did was get me balloons.
Balloons, what, you don't like 'em?
No, well, I do like them, and I appreciate it,
but I, I've mentioned multiple times
about how I'd like a piece of jewelry or-
Mm-hmm.
what about
that Motley Crue tank top that I wanted?
Motley Crue tank top, really?
Yes.
That's what you want?
You said it looked hot.
Where the hell is
the bread at, Kat?
I don't fucking know.
It is hot, by the way.
Thank you, um, the-
What do you mean
you don't know?
I don't know where the bread is, okay?
Listen, what, I meant to come back out.
Can we talk about the baby situation?
Well, I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I'm trying to talk about the baby situation.
Okay, well, talk about it then.
Okay, well, I told you I was pregnant,
and you know, I, I know I asked you to leave,
but that's not really what I meant when I said it,
so can we just-
Well, I left.
Can we just talk about-
I-
Can we-
I'm, I'm trying to find,
it's on top of the fridge, girl.
Okay.
Listen, you realize that I wanna keep the baby, right?
Yeah, I realize that.
You realize that I'm 44, and I don't need any kids, right?
Well, I told you that I wanted to get out of town,
and I wanted to move away from here,
and I wanted to raise a kid.
Yo, what the fuck, girl?
I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I tried to clean up.
Why you putting
my fucking motherfucker back in the Goddamn fridge?
All right, back to the matter at hand.
Okay.
You know I wanna keep
the baby, right?
Girl, I'm 44 years old.
I can't be keeping no baby.
Well, I'm keeping the baby.
And I think, like I said in the room, that I want to be able
to move and get away from here.
I just need you to take things a little more seriously,
stop hanging out Marcus and Gary all the fucking time.
Look, where is the bread?
I don't know where the bread is, Marcus.
I got bread the other day.
Oh, my God-
You said you were gonna-
stop cleaning my-
Look, I got your diet soda 'cause you said
you were gonna go on a diet, so.
Oh, girl.
All right, listen.
Remember the time we went to the Outer Banks?
It was so romantic. We went that one time.
Why don't we move to the Outer Banks?
I wanna be near the ocean.
I like Ocean City better.
I told you this 1,000 times.
They got the boardwalk.
Okay, well, I don't care,
but-
It's Maryland.
Yeah.
Or maybe you can get
a, a nice job at Walmart.
You want me to get a job at Walmart?
I told you I've been selling my action figures on eBay.
I'm an entrepreneur.
You can do better.
I can't be checking
people's receipts at Walmart, yo.
Like, that's not how this works with me.
Then back-
The fuck is
my sandwich stuff?
Goddammit, Kat.
I'm cleaning.
All right, all right.
I'm just trying to make
a sandwich, girl.
Now that everything's clean,
are you going to move to the ocean with me?
That's all I need to know.
You coming or not?
We gotta take care of Marcus first.
So that's a no, awesome.
Oh, my God.
Sheriff Conlin.
Shark just killed my neighbor.
All right, y'all, that's enough with this shark stuff.
We're, we got it.
It's funny, ha, ha.
Check it out.
We're done.
God, this is getting ridiculous.
I don't make enough for this shit.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Sheriff Conlin.
Send the army and the national guard.
A shark is killing again.
All right, y'all.
That's enough of this shit.
Please.
I'm getting fucking tired of it.
We're done.
No more of these crank calls.
I need a fucking raise.
Son of a bitch.
Sheriff Conlin.
That's enough.
We're 240 fucking miles inland.
There's no Goddamn sharks here.
Stop it.
Goddamn.
Fucking drink.
Gonna need you.
I'm sure as shit gonna need you
with the way, the way it's going, the night's going.
Whoo.
A long night.
What the fuck?
Fuck that .
Fuck is going on?
Goddammit.
Come on.
We are sorry to interrupt your broadcast,
but we have some breaking news.
This news may be shocking,
and you may not believe what I'm saying.
But please, this is no joke.
There have been reports of baby sharks causing havoc
in the city and surrounding areas.
The death toll continues to climb as a flood
of videos are starting to come in.
We are now going to show you some of those videos.
If you have sensitive viewers,
you may want to ask them to leave the room.
Please, again, this is no joke,
and these videos may be disturbing.
Oh, my God, holy shit, this this can't be real.
They want to kill me.
They want to kill me, oh, no, no.
I'm so scared right now.
I'm hiding in a closet.
I can hear them trying to get in.
There are sharks everywhere,
and they're killing everyone,
and they're eating all my Goddamn food, man.
All I wanted to do was have a nice dinner with my wife.
I caught this baby shark at the lake.
Knew something was wrong.
Why would a shark be in a lake?
Oh, God.
They killed my wife.
Oh, my God, they're eating her.
They're eating her, oh, my God.
They, they look like they're enjoying it.
Oh, God, help, please.
Fucking sharks.
Dammit.
What the frick, man?
I'm gonna need a bigger closet.
I'll tell you exactly why this is happening.
It's the damn Russians.
They've been looking for a way to destroy us for years.
Yo, Marcus, get your damn feet off the couch.
Was you born in a barn?
Hey, Kat.
Yes?
Is it still your birthday?
Yes.
I got you something.
Is this the kitten that you saw
the other day at the pet store?
Well, why don't you open it up
and find out for yourself, girl?
Oh, my God, I can't believe
that you would remember something like that.
See, I told you it was that bitch from the TV.
What are you talking about?
It's a long story.
I'll be right back.
We need to get the fuck outta here.
What?
Guys, back to the problem at hand.
There's a fucking shark in the house.
Oh, yeah.
What the fuck was that?
I, I got a thing, bro.
He does have a thing.
Who say what?
I'm gonna be sick.
What the fuck?
Dude, some really fucking weird shit's going on right now.
What the fuck do we do?
We fucking bag it up, bro.
And do what with it?
We fucking, fucking take it to the hospital.
They're gonna think
we're smoking fucking crack, dude.
Watch.
Dude, we have proof.
Guys.
Oh, shit.
Did guys, okay,
I think my hand is healing, like, right?
Isn't it? It's healing?
Right, isn't it?
Ew, oh.
Yep, you're fucking immune. I knew it.
Immune from what, Marcus?
The fucking nasty virus I showed you on TV.
Well, then we need to get the fuck outta here.
I'm not going anywhere with you guys.
Great, so I'm stuck here with you two fucking douchebags.
Wait a minute.
Dude, I know.
She might have a point, though.
Like, now that I think about it, my,
it's not getting any better.
No, bro, that don't look good.
Yeah.
What the fuck was that?
What the hell was that?
Yo, I'm gonna go check that out.
And this is how white people die.
Think it came from in here, bro.
Hold on.
Coast is clear.
Yo, bro, I wish Gary was here.
He'd know what to do.
Dude, I don't feel so well.
Dude, you gotta stay with me, man.
You're gonna be all right.
You're gonna be all right.
Come on, bro. You gotta call your brother.
Half.
Oh, please don't be another one of them sharks.
I don't know what else to do.
Mm, bro, you gotta call your brother, yo.
Oh, oh, the fuck?
Oh.
God, I can't believe I'm stuck here
with these fucking idiots.
Apparently, I have some kind of kitten-eating shark virus,
and Danny just wants to fucking sniff everybody's blood.
I swear to God I'm gonna just break up with him.
Oh, bro.
Danny, I'm coming.
Bro.
Danny, no, Danny, Danny, oh, God.
Marcus, we need help.
No, Marcus, where are you?
Danny's already dead.
Fuck, where is it?
Shark Week's over.
Huh?
There's something fishy going on around here.
What the fuck?
Ah, no, no, it's my fucking birthday.
Motherfucker.
Fuck you.
You're a fucking douchebag.
Fuck.
Fuck you.
Fuck you and your curse, uh, fish fuck.
Fucking ate my fucking kitten.
You know what? Fuck this.
Where are you, you scaly son of a bitch, huh?
Go on. I am fixing to fuck you up.
It's my birthday.
Not just one but a million other times
To brand you to thieves
There's one sick fuck.
Fuck, fuck you.
I'm gonna turn him into chum bait.
Fuck you.
Yeah, fuck you.
Now, let's get the fuck outta here.
Where you going, bro?
Danny?
Who else would it be?
You ain't going to cheat on me, is you?
No, baby, you know I wouldn't do that.
I can hear your heart racing, girl.
You ain't afraid of little old me, are you?
No, no, I've just, I've just had a really rough birthday.
Oh, that's right. It is your birthday.
Did I give you your present yet?
Yeah, you did, and, um, it was beautiful.
Thank you, I love it.
You know, I searched, and I searched
to get you something pretty,
but in the end I just decided
to get you another fucking cat.
You always did like your cats more than you like me.
No, I didn't, baby.
Don't you lie to me, bitch.
I'm not.
Yes, you is.
You always be lying.
What about your ex?
Oh, Gary?
How dare you say such hurtful words to me?
You almost gave me a case of the vapors.
I know Gary wouldn't do that to me.
You always be lying, just like I know that baby ain't mine.
Danny, listen, this baby is yours,
and I haven't been with anyone else but you.
Well, I'm gonna make sure of that.
Marcus, where you at?
Hey, half brother, where you at?
Where the fuck is everyone?
Where the fuck is my half brother, you son of a bitch,
you scaly son of a bitch?
Shouldn't have to eat fucking people.
Where the fuck is everybody?
Hope you like lead, motherfucker.
You always used to run when we fought.
You ain't running now, is you?
You know what?
What?
You were right. The baby's not yours.
And I think it's time that we break up.
Smile, you douchey bitch.
Hey.
Hey, Darl.
Thanks for saving me.
My pleasure.
Sorry about your brother.
Half.
Oh, my God.
Hey, do you like Ocean City?
I'm a little tired of sharks.
How's about Nebraska?
Yeah, okay.
Days turned into weeks.
I was hopeful, even optimistic.
But as we went from city to city,
my hopefulness turned to despair.
I've never seen the world so silent.
The closer we got inland, the more violence we saw.
People turned into animals.
We did what we could to make it.
But
for the first time in my life,
I feel free.
Question yourself, never question the law
You're on the wrong side, so you always are wrong
The slight hand, the step in, the strength of the tongue
You speak out, you'll find out, they'll bury your god
There is no right side to this ruinous scheme
Acknowledge the facts, obey the machine
The lightening runs straight, and it's all on the line
The fish getting hungry, it's now feeding time
There's eyes in the sky
They watch through your phone
Listening in, invading your home
Privacy's lost, your life on display
Cracking your head to live in dismay
Satellite sharing your every last move
Data encrypted
The subject is you
Dying for reason, we incriminate ourselves
Seminally septic relation in hell
Stick to the short angles, speak out of turn
Bow to the leader, no need for concern
There is no right side to this ruinous scheme
Acknowledge the facts, obey the machine
Your livelihood's end, it's all on the line
The fish getting hungry
It's now feeding time
Baseless fabricated ideology
Created with no ties to reality
Fill the mind with deceptive imagery
Designed to slip into the psyche
This world is so rotten
A place where things aren't so black and white
Stare into the screen for meaning
Crafted to keep you on the hook
Crafted to keep you distracted
Right before your eyes you can see their plans unfolding
Give up your soul to this lifeless machine
This is the evolution, this is the purpose
As they kill us slowly
Be not deceived, for this time will pass
Alpha and Omega will justify the crash
We were made without a timer
We are infinite
The beast drools with lust
Over each and every unclaimed soul
Perpetuating lies of godlessness across a fallen world
They want to make you their own
Cooperate with the corporate brain
Or be labeled undesirable
Hiding behind the smile are entities paranoid
The beauty is a lie, the beauty is a trap
Pandering to the masses
Manipulating the world into lunacy
Into its demise
Seeping into the walls of your homes
Identifying with what you believe
Clouding millions of brains
Gawk at the victims
As everything we cherish is being stripped away
Breaking the family
Breaking the culture
Just when you thought
Just when you thought they were your god
The blade of deception
Well, if you ask me, the number
of shark people in this town has gotten too damn high.
13 or 14 of my cats are missing.
They don't tip in here.
They're scaring all my customers away.
What's going on with this town?
And all they wanna do is eat ketchup packets.
You know, even my pet rat is scared to go out
of his cage now 'cause he's afraid of getting eaten
by a fucking shark person.
I can't walk down the street without slipping in shark shit.
Driving down the property values of this block.
It used to be a nice neighborhood.
And now these sharp-toothed motherfuckers are walking
around here scaring all my customers away.
How am I supposed to buy my Airstream and move to Texas?
This is Kyle Hammond.
I am chief scientist at NH.
I am currently working on the reanimation
of the second batches of sharks.
We successfully reanimated the first batch,
so now we're working on the second batch,
and I have my partner.
This is very lovely experiment that we're doing.
It's very, very rewarding, very exciting.
Um, what I have here is the blood from the first batch
of baby great white sharks,
and inside is also the parasite
from the ant.
I will be injecting this into the shark now.
Now, this will not reanimate the shark just yet.
This is just the first dose of blood.
Now,
we will extract the blood
from my partner's head.
This needle goes directly into the brain
and sucks out the fluid from the brain.
And then we inject it into the shark.
And this shark should,
like the first batch, reanimate.
I'm now releasing the blood from the brain,
and now I will be injecting it into the shark.
And that is done.
And now, we watch.
Marcus.
Yeah, the second batch is ready.
What?
What do you mean you've lost the first batch of sharks?
I literally just shit myself.
Marcus, how do you lose
a cooler full of sharks?
Marcus, you don't know what you've done.
You've doomed us all.
You've doomed us all.
Oh, Dr. Straous, thank you so much
for having us here today.
Really appreciate it.
I hope you don't get offended by anything that we ask.
You know, let's be honest, these scripts,
they're written for me and handed to me.
And honestly, I really don't care what's happening.
I really don't. I'm just here for my paycheck.
And we are rolling in three, two, one, action.
Good day, VA, thanks for coming our way.
This is Katie Cordial
with your morning news and the cherry on top.
Today's special guest is Dr. Straous.
Dr. Straous, thank you for having us.
Thank you for having me.
Dr. Straous, do you really think that you can bring
the great white shark back from extinction?
Actually, due to black-market fitting
and irresponsible commercial fishing,
the great white shark is now considered
to be 98% extinct, not 100.
And yes, I do.
Oh, so how do you plan to execute that, Dr. Straous?
Well, we have isolated a compound from a particular fungus
that is sometimes found in a species of ant.
In a controlled environment,
we merge that compound with the human DNA.
Once that formula is uniform,
we inject it into a cadaver limb.
Due to the chemical properties of that compound,
the cadaver limb then acts as an incubator
for the new life that we have created.
And after a relatively short gestation period,
the cadaver limb itself becomes the new shark.
Oh, Dr. Straous, that seems just a tad barbaric,
don't you think?
Barbaric?
This is scientific genius.
This is why people donate their bodies to science.
Genius?
It's more like creating monsters.
Monsters? These are not monsters.
This is gonna be a new species that reproduces and thrives.
Oh, so you're playing God?
Miss, what you call playing God means nothing
to a woman of science.
In the line of work that I do, there is no God.
Ugh. okay, we'll be back after these messages.
I tell you now this tale of woe
Not about a lady but one fucking hoe
Believe you me she was not a witch
When she sucked my cock, she was one bad bitch
I gave my heart to a whore
I made love to a whore
She was nothing but trash
But I kept coming back for more
Happy birthday.
So what's up with Kat, man?
Man, I don't know.
She's been all back and forth lately.
It's weird, you know.
Like, like get this.
The other night, her ex texted her.
Mm.
You know, one of those, like, "What you doing?"
kind of texts.
Right.
You know about it.
Yeah.
But, like, you know, so I was joking around with her.
I was like, "Yo, you gonna text him back?"
She looked at me like she was gonna cut my damn head off.
So you ain't get any did you?
Nah, but, like, she's been acting real weird,
like, real weird.
Like, she ain't drinking.
That's a good thing, though.
I wish I could stop drinking.
I mean, it's probably a good thing.
And you ain't gonna quit drinking.
Come on. Let's be real.
Let's be real, yeah, yeah.
You're right.
You're right.
But get this.
She been throwing up in the morning,
like, the past few days.
Uh-oh.
Yeah.
Don't fucking say it.
Don't you say it.
I mean, that's not such a bad thing.
I mean, I think you'd be a good dad.
I mean, you still play with toys.
I'm fucking 44, dude.
I mean, yeah, kid will come out
with a whole-ass beard, though.
I'll take that one.
I'll take that one.
Yeah, he gonna come out
with a fucking full beard.
Cheers.
Yeah, yeah.
Shit, not to change the subject,
but you know what's really weird?
Hmm?
It's noon.
And?
This place is usually full by now.
Maybe everybody's going sober.
Yeah, maybe, but shit, I haven't seen Gary
since he got us the beers.
I really like that Gary guy.
Gary is pretty cool.
He's the best.
He's awesome.
Anyways, man.
You watch too many damn fucking movies, bro, too many.
Shit, I know, I know.
We say that now, but when shit happens, who you gonna call?
Not you, maybe your brother.
Half.
What?
He's my half brother.
Bro, he's your brother.
You don't know the shit he's put me through.
Yeah, but, like, who was there
when you got all screwed up?
He was.
But I mean, we're just two different people, man.
All right, dude, I mean, I'll let it go,
but you know what I'm talking about.
I did see something on the news the other day.
Yeah?
This, like, scientist woman
talking about getting rid of extinction
or bringing animals back from extinction,
some weird shit, man.
Like that dinosaur movie?
But no, man, she was, like, real serious.
Like, she said she found a way to stop extinction
with great white sharks with a parasite.
A parasite?
Mm-hmm,
like the ones that get inside of ants.
Oh, yeah, like, they, they devour their brains
and then turn their bodies into zombies.
I read that somewhere.
Well, you know what?
it sounds like bullshit to me.
Maybe.
Oh, shit.
Kat?
Yeah, we should go.
Ay, ay
It's a band of thieves
We're dead
We're all gonna die
Mr. Biggles.
What you think about that, Mr. Biggles, huh?
You wanna new daddy?
No.
Karen, Karen.
Karen.
Poor baby.
Jesus Christ, he's late again.
I can't keep doing this.
I've got a very busy, busy schedule.
You know how many other appointments I have?
Have a scientist, a preacher.
Like, I honestly can do better.
Not working, Mr. Biggles deserves better.
No.
No, no, no.
Stop.
Dogs, is that you?
No, no, stop it.
No, no, no.
Oh, no, please, help.
Mr. Biggles?
Josh?
Mr. Biggles?
Hello.
Hello.
Josh, Mr. Biggles, hey, hey.
You know I don't like waiting on answers.
I'm a very impatient person.
If you see anything, if you see anything,
we can go up there.
We can go up right on the way to the landfill right up in-
I didn't hear anything about that.
Shit, we could-
You ain't heard about that?
definitely go to that.
And then they build
trash on trash.
Trash on trash.
Trash on trash.
Hey, you good, man?
Hey, what's up man?
Yo, get outta here.
I'm gonna tell you one more time.
Get outta here.
Bro, bro.
Motherfucker.
Dude, what the fuck, man?
I can't run in these fucking flip-flops.
Oh, Marcus, Marcus.
Marcus, I had your back the whole time, man.
I was right there.
You totally left me, dude.
I was fucking right there.
Look what the fuck
just happened.
What the fuck?
Jesus.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck was that?
We gotta get this looked at.
What the fuck was that?
What the fuck? What the fuck?
No, that guy's fucking crazy, man.
Holy shit.
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, dude, crazy-ass bum, man.
Dude, dude, dude, dude.
Holy shit, dude, man.
No, bro,
you can't turn the fucking water on, man.
You gotta let the blood clot.
What are you talking about let the blood clot?
Dude, if you get it wet, it's gonna fucking bleed out.
It won't let the fucking blood, trust me, bro.
I know what I'm talking about.
I'm sure that's not how that works.
That's how that fucking works. Just trust me.
You, ooh, you gotta let me smell it.
You gotta let me smell it.
Ah, all right, go ahead. Make it quick.
And what did that do?
Well, it doesn't do anything.
I just, whenever I see blood, it's a thing I've got, man.
I gotta smell it when I see blood.
Could you please just go get some bandages
or something?
Where the fuck
am I gonna get fucking bandages-
Well, look around.
from, bro?
I, I, I'm looking.
I don't fucking see any.
Kat's here, right?
Oh, fuck, she is.
Go get her.
Kat, Kat.
Yes.
Kat.
Yeah.
Marcus was bit.
What?
Some fucking weirdo bit Marcus.
What are you talking about?
Where,
where are the fucking bandages?
I need bandages.
Uh, we,
we don't have bandages.
We have, uh, duct tape under the sink.
Duct, fuck.
I'll be out in a minute.
Hello.
Drink from the pool of deceit
My mind and body you will meet
And craven love will rain down on you
Is only for his wretched chosen few
Apostasy
Deny the virgin born
Malevolence
We are forever scorned
Obsession
The prophecy maligns
The Christians
Will wish they were never born
Blasphemy
Hang him up on a cross
We will forgive him not
I'll live my life as I please
While you live down on your knees
Down on your knees
It hurts.
Fucking Christ here.
'Kay, who got bit on what?
Oh, all right, hold on, hold on.
Let me look. Let me look.
Ow.
Mm, uh, really?
What?
I mean,
it's just all this for that.
It fucking hurts.
Uh, well, um, wait.
He said a, a person bit you?
I think some, like, crackhead or something.
I'm not really sure.
Uh, well, we should get it looked at.
With what, insurance?
Yeah.
I can't find the tape, Kat.
Danny, it is under the sink.
Got it.
Marcus, did you at least kick this guy's ass?
I beat the shit out of him.
Okay, good.
I found tape.
Tape?
Thank you.
Yeah, you're gonna be all right, bro.
We got you.
It's this or the hospital.
Yeah, you're gonna be all right.
Fuck it, fine.
Okay.
Thanks.
I'll put it
back under the sink.
So, um,
I can't make any promises, but I think you're good to dance.
Oh, that was crazy, bro.
I found the tape.
How are we friends?
That's a good question, bro.
Hey, thanks for patching Marcus up.
Yeah, sure.
So, um, what exactly happened out there?
I, I don't know, man.
Some crackhead bit him.
Yeah, but no, that doesn't, that doesn't make sense.
People don't just bite people for no reason.
Were you guys hammered?
Why the fuck does booze have anything to do with this?
Yeah, we had a beer.
I'm just, I'm just saying, you guys have been going out
and drinking a lot more lately,
and you've been getting a little stupider each time.
So I can only assume that you pissed somebody off,
and then he fucking bit Marcus.
Well, you stopped drinking for like two weeks,
and now all of a sudden, uh, you goody two shoes here,
and, uh,
I mean, come on.
Look,
I'm, I'm just saying that I'm just getting tired
of all this fucking bullshit.
All everybody wants to do is just get hammered,
and go party, and, and do nothing with their lives.
Like, I would like to get away from here,
and move somewhere, and you know, raise a kid.
Where is this coming from, Kat?
And what's up with the kid talk, huh?
What, what, this isn't something that we've talked about.
What's up with the fucking kid talk?
What is going on?
I'm pregnant.
You're what?
You heard me?
Is it mine?
Excuse me.
Is it mine?
How the fuck are you gonna ask me that?
I'm telling you.
Like, that's all you have to say to me?
Really?
It's my fucking birthday. You know what?
I would like to just be left alone for a little bit
because, uh, again, uh, this, I think you've forgotten
that it is my birthday.
I need to just chill the fuck out.
You're pissing me off, and why don't, you know,
why don't you go check on our friend
who got bit by a human and see if he's turning
into a zombie or something.
I'm pissing you off?
I'm pissing you off, huh?
Yeah, yeah.
That's how this is?
Yeah.
I'm gonna need you to leave.
You gonna talk, you gonna tell me
you're pregnant and then tell me
to get the fuck out?
Yeah.
Is that, fine. You know what?
I will go see what fucking-
Awesome.
Marcus is doing.
Awesome, thank you.
Hey, Danny, look, I know I said I wanted to be alone,
but wait, what?
Hey.
Happy birthday.
Aw.
Wait, where's my present?
That's it.
Where are you going?
Where are you, hey, what are you doing?
I'm making a sandwich.
This is what I'm talking about.
It's my birthday, and all you did was get me balloons.
Balloons, what, you don't like 'em?
No, well, I do like them, and I appreciate it,
but I, I've mentioned multiple times
about how I'd like a piece of jewelry or-
Mm-hmm.
what about
that Motley Crue tank top that I wanted?
Motley Crue tank top, really?
Yes.
That's what you want?
You said it looked hot.
Where the hell is
the bread at, Kat?
I don't fucking know.
It is hot, by the way.
Thank you, um, the-
What do you mean
you don't know?
I don't know where the bread is, okay?
Listen, what, I meant to come back out.
Can we talk about the baby situation?
Well, I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I'm trying to talk about the baby situation.
Okay, well, talk about it then.
Okay, well, I told you I was pregnant,
and you know, I, I know I asked you to leave,
but that's not really what I meant when I said it,
so can we just-
Well, I left.
Can we just talk about-
I-
Can we-
I'm, I'm trying to find,
it's on top of the fridge, girl.
Okay.
Listen, you realize that I wanna keep the baby, right?
Yeah, I realize that.
You realize that I'm 44, and I don't need any kids, right?
Well, I told you that I wanted to get out of town,
and I wanted to move away from here,
and I wanted to raise a kid.
Yo, what the fuck, girl?
I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I tried to clean up.
Why you putting
my fucking motherfucker back in the Goddamn fridge?
All right, back to the matter at hand.
Okay.
You know I wanna keep
the baby, right?
Girl, I'm 44 years old.
I can't be keeping no baby.
Well, I'm keeping the baby.
And I think, like I said in the room, that I want to be able
to move and get away from here.
I just need you to take things a little more seriously,
stop hanging out Marcus and Gary all the fucking time.
Look, where is the bread?
I don't know where the bread is, Marcus.
I got bread the other day.
Oh, my God-
You said you were gonna-
stop cleaning my-
Look, I got your diet soda 'cause you said
you were gonna go on a diet, so.
Oh, girl.
All right, listen.
Remember the time we went to the Outer Banks?
It was so romantic. We went that one time.
Why don't we move to the Outer Banks?
I wanna be near the ocean.
I like Ocean City better.
I told you this 1,000 times.
They got the boardwalk.
Okay, well, I don't care,
but-
It's Maryland.
Yeah.
Or maybe you can get
a, a nice job at Walmart.
You want me to get a job at Walmart?
I told you I've been selling my action figures on eBay.
I'm an entrepreneur.
You can do better.
I can't be checking
people's receipts at Walmart, yo.
Like, that's not how this works with me.
Then back-
The fuck is
my sandwich stuff?
Goddammit, Kat.
I'm cleaning.
All right, all right.
I'm just trying to make
a sandwich, girl.
Now that everything's clean,
are you going to move to the ocean with me?
That's all I need to know.
You coming or not?
We gotta take care of Marcus first.
So that's a no, awesome.
Oh, my God.
Sheriff Conlin.
Shark just killed my neighbor.
All right, y'all, that's enough with this shark stuff.
We're, we got it.
It's funny, ha, ha.
Check it out.
We're done.
God, this is getting ridiculous.
I don't make enough for this shit.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Sheriff Conlin.
Send the army and the national guard.
A shark is killing again.
All right, y'all.
That's enough of this shit.
Please.
I'm getting fucking tired of it.
We're done.
No more of these crank calls.
I need a fucking raise.
Son of a bitch.
Sheriff Conlin.
That's enough.
We're 240 fucking miles inland.
There's no Goddamn sharks here.
Stop it.
Goddamn.
Fucking drink.
Gonna need you.
I'm sure as shit gonna need you
with the way, the way it's going, the night's going.
Whoo.
A long night.
What the fuck?
Fuck that .
Fuck is going on?
Goddammit.
Come on.
We are sorry to interrupt your broadcast,
but we have some breaking news.
This news may be shocking,
and you may not believe what I'm saying.
But please, this is no joke.
There have been reports of baby sharks causing havoc
in the city and surrounding areas.
The death toll continues to climb as a flood
of videos are starting to come in.
We are now going to show you some of those videos.
If you have sensitive viewers,
you may want to ask them to leave the room.
Please, again, this is no joke,
and these videos may be disturbing.
Oh, my God, holy shit, this this can't be real.
They want to kill me.
They want to kill me, oh, no, no.
I'm so scared right now.
I'm hiding in a closet.
I can hear them trying to get in.
There are sharks everywhere,
and they're killing everyone,
and they're eating all my Goddamn food, man.
All I wanted to do was have a nice dinner with my wife.
I caught this baby shark at the lake.
Knew something was wrong.
Why would a shark be in a lake?
Oh, God.
They killed my wife.
Oh, my God, they're eating her.
They're eating her, oh, my God.
They, they look like they're enjoying it.
Oh, God, help, please.
Fucking sharks.
Dammit.
What the frick, man?
I'm gonna need a bigger closet.
I'll tell you exactly why this is happening.
It's the damn Russians.
They've been looking for a way to destroy us for years.
Yo, Marcus, get your damn feet off the couch.
Was you born in a barn?
Hey, Kat.
Yes?
Is it still your birthday?
Yes.
I got you something.
Is this the kitten that you saw
the other day at the pet store?
Well, why don't you open it up
and find out for yourself, girl?
Oh, my God, I can't believe
that you would remember something like that.
See, I told you it was that bitch from the TV.
What are you talking about?
It's a long story.
I'll be right back.
We need to get the fuck outta here.
What?
Guys, back to the problem at hand.
There's a fucking shark in the house.
Oh, yeah.
What the fuck was that?
I, I got a thing, bro.
He does have a thing.
Who say what?
I'm gonna be sick.
What the fuck?
Dude, some really fucking weird shit's going on right now.
What the fuck do we do?
We fucking bag it up, bro.
And do what with it?
We fucking, fucking take it to the hospital.
They're gonna think
we're smoking fucking crack, dude.
Watch.
Dude, we have proof.
Guys.
Oh, shit.
Did guys, okay,
I think my hand is healing, like, right?
Isn't it? It's healing?
Right, isn't it?
Ew, oh.
Yep, you're fucking immune. I knew it.
Immune from what, Marcus?
The fucking nasty virus I showed you on TV.
Well, then we need to get the fuck outta here.
I'm not going anywhere with you guys.
Great, so I'm stuck here with you two fucking douchebags.
Wait a minute.
Dude, I know.
She might have a point, though.
Like, now that I think about it, my,
it's not getting any better.
No, bro, that don't look good.
Yeah.
What the fuck was that?
What the hell was that?
Yo, I'm gonna go check that out.
And this is how white people die.
Think it came from in here, bro.
Hold on.
Coast is clear.
Yo, bro, I wish Gary was here.
He'd know what to do.
Dude, I don't feel so well.
Dude, you gotta stay with me, man.
You're gonna be all right.
You're gonna be all right.
Come on, bro. You gotta call your brother.
Half.
Oh, please don't be another one of them sharks.
I don't know what else to do.
Mm, bro, you gotta call your brother, yo.
Oh, oh, the fuck?
Oh.
God, I can't believe I'm stuck here
with these fucking idiots.
Apparently, I have some kind of kitten-eating shark virus,
and Danny just wants to fucking sniff everybody's blood.
I swear to God I'm gonna just break up with him.
Oh, bro.
Danny, I'm coming.
Bro.
Danny, no, Danny, Danny, oh, God.
Marcus, we need help.
No, Marcus, where are you?
Danny's already dead.
Fuck, where is it?
Shark Week's over.
Huh?
There's something fishy going on around here.
What the fuck?
Ah, no, no, it's my fucking birthday.
Motherfucker.
Fuck you.
You're a fucking douchebag.
Fuck.
Fuck you.
Fuck you and your curse, uh, fish fuck.
Fucking ate my fucking kitten.
You know what? Fuck this.
Where are you, you scaly son of a bitch, huh?
Go on. I am fixing to fuck you up.
It's my birthday.
Not just one but a million other times
To brand you to thieves
There's one sick fuck.
Fuck, fuck you.
I'm gonna turn him into chum bait.
Fuck you.
Yeah, fuck you.
Now, let's get the fuck outta here.
Where you going, bro?
Danny?
Who else would it be?
You ain't going to cheat on me, is you?
No, baby, you know I wouldn't do that.
I can hear your heart racing, girl.
You ain't afraid of little old me, are you?
No, no, I've just, I've just had a really rough birthday.
Oh, that's right. It is your birthday.
Did I give you your present yet?
Yeah, you did, and, um, it was beautiful.
Thank you, I love it.
You know, I searched, and I searched
to get you something pretty,
but in the end I just decided
to get you another fucking cat.
You always did like your cats more than you like me.
No, I didn't, baby.
Don't you lie to me, bitch.
I'm not.
Yes, you is.
You always be lying.
What about your ex?
Oh, Gary?
How dare you say such hurtful words to me?
You almost gave me a case of the vapors.
I know Gary wouldn't do that to me.
You always be lying, just like I know that baby ain't mine.
Danny, listen, this baby is yours,
and I haven't been with anyone else but you.
Well, I'm gonna make sure of that.
Marcus, where you at?
Hey, half brother, where you at?
Where the fuck is everyone?
Where the fuck is my half brother, you son of a bitch,
you scaly son of a bitch?
Shouldn't have to eat fucking people.
Where the fuck is everybody?
Hope you like lead, motherfucker.
You always used to run when we fought.
You ain't running now, is you?
You know what?
What?
You were right. The baby's not yours.
And I think it's time that we break up.
Smile, you douchey bitch.
Hey.
Hey, Darl.
Thanks for saving me.
My pleasure.
Sorry about your brother.
Half.
Oh, my God.
Hey, do you like Ocean City?
I'm a little tired of sharks.
How's about Nebraska?
Yeah, okay.
Days turned into weeks.
I was hopeful, even optimistic.
But as we went from city to city,
my hopefulness turned to despair.
I've never seen the world so silent.
The closer we got inland, the more violence we saw.
People turned into animals.
We did what we could to make it.
But
for the first time in my life,
I feel free.
Question yourself, never question the law
You're on the wrong side, so you always are wrong
The slight hand, the step in, the strength of the tongue
You speak out, you'll find out, they'll bury your god
There is no right side to this ruinous scheme
Acknowledge the facts, obey the machine
The lightening runs straight, and it's all on the line
The fish getting hungry, it's now feeding time
There's eyes in the sky
They watch through your phone
Listening in, invading your home
Privacy's lost, your life on display
Cracking your head to live in dismay
Satellite sharing your every last move
Data encrypted
The subject is you
Dying for reason, we incriminate ourselves
Seminally septic relation in hell
Stick to the short angles, speak out of turn
Bow to the leader, no need for concern
There is no right side to this ruinous scheme
Acknowledge the facts, obey the machine
Your livelihood's end, it's all on the line
The fish getting hungry
It's now feeding time
Baseless fabricated ideology
Created with no ties to reality
Fill the mind with deceptive imagery
Designed to slip into the psyche
This world is so rotten
A place where things aren't so black and white
Stare into the screen for meaning
Crafted to keep you on the hook
Crafted to keep you distracted
Right before your eyes you can see their plans unfolding
Give up your soul to this lifeless machine
This is the evolution, this is the purpose
As they kill us slowly
Be not deceived, for this time will pass
Alpha and Omega will justify the crash
We were made without a timer
We are infinite
The beast drools with lust
Over each and every unclaimed soul
Perpetuating lies of godlessness across a fallen world
They want to make you their own
Cooperate with the corporate brain
Or be labeled undesirable
Hiding behind the smile are entities paranoid
The beauty is a lie, the beauty is a trap
Pandering to the masses
Manipulating the world into lunacy
Into its demise
Seeping into the walls of your homes
Identifying with what you believe
Clouding millions of brains
Gawk at the victims
As everything we cherish is being stripped away
Breaking the family
Breaking the culture
Just when you thought
Just when you thought they were your god
The blade of deception
Well, if you ask me, the number
of shark people in this town has gotten too damn high.
13 or 14 of my cats are missing.
They don't tip in here.
They're scaring all my customers away.
What's going on with this town?
And all they wanna do is eat ketchup packets.
You know, even my pet rat is scared to go out
of his cage now 'cause he's afraid of getting eaten
by a fucking shark person.
I can't walk down the street without slipping in shark shit.
Driving down the property values of this block.
It used to be a nice neighborhood.
And now these sharp-toothed motherfuckers are walking
around here scaring all my customers away.
How am I supposed to buy my Airstream and move to Texas?