Cinderella (1977) Movie Script
1
(speaking in foreign language)
(playful instrumental music)
(speaking in foreign language)
Cinderella.
(playful instrumental music)
I want in, someone.
Hurry, just get that milkman
and jerk off that goat.
Get me some fresh milk.
Yesterday, milk was curdled.
If the lady of Avon comes,
get me one of everything.
I you get another wash,
you can have the water
to wash your hair.
You know there's a water shortage.
And then you'll take in more
laundry from the neighbors.
We need the money.
Don't make you another
wig of your sister's.
Keep working, work keep
your mind off sex.
Oh look.
This baby is daydreaming again.
I wonder what about.
Probably about all kinds of
dirty and degenerate dogs.
(laughing)
Dingling and dangling about her.
She mopes through her dreary day.
I think it's naughty.
I should say, if you
didn't if you ask me,
which I know you're about to do.
(laughing)
Shirking her little duties again.
Disgrace all.
Marbella, Marbella.
Give it a little two.
(sniffing)
(hoots)
Do you know, that a
not so little birdie
told me that it was none
other than little ass.
Rella over there that told
mama we go out at night.
I never did any such thing.
I wouldn't, believe me.
I did no such thing.
I wouldn't, believe me.
I did no such thing.
I wouldn't, believe me.
(shushing)
Really, Cinderella,
you are such a bore.
You always force us to behave
so unpleasantly to you.
I think that even a
tour most unpleasant,
we're not at all that
unpleasant, actually.
Are we?
(clacking)
Are we Cinderella? (Laughing)
Well, I...
Talk.
You think like a snail.
Honestly, why don't
you go old and die
before you would answer a
perfectly simple question.
Or was the question, never mind,
whatever she would answer
would be a bore.
Drucella, dear.
We mustn't forget about
Cinderella's indiscretion tip.
Mama, it was unforgivably naughty.
She must be punished, mustn't she?
Of course.
How else will she ever learn?
Let's see.
She can wash our dresses.
And they must be perfectly
pressed, do you hear?
Perfectly pressed.
(playful instrumental music)
Cinderella, sweep the
ashes from the fireplace
Cinderella, wash and
scrub up the entire place
Cinderella, polish
every little widget
Sit up straight girl, don't
you fuss and don't you fidget
And I wonder if I
have to face this scorn
Yes, I wonder just
why I was ever born
Times when I want to
cry, I spy a rainbow
When life is gray, the
flowers start to bloom
Or when a chilling wind
begins the rain flow
I take a moment to remind me
Someone will come
along and find me
Suddenly I can
smile away the gloom
Cinderella, braid my
hair and just for kickers
Cinderella, darn my
hose and iron my knickers
Cinderella, you're a
good-for-nothing wretch, girl
Where's my girdle
Goodness sake's, go
run and fetch girl
And I wonder, is
this all I'll ever be
Yes, I wonder, is there
nothing more to see
When I am cold, the
morning sun will warm me
When I am sad, the
birds begin my song
And when, at times, my
life begins to scorn me
I take a moment to remind me
Someday he'll come
along and find me
And the time goes
by and I am strong
Sometimes I think in a
wink of an eye it'll happen
Life rearranges and
changes tomorrow's tune
But just when I'm caught Ina
thought, I remember tomorrow
And just like today, it
will be on its way too soon
So I can't be down too
long or stay too lonely
For nothing can be
as awful as it seems
When things go wrong,
I know that I have only
To take a moment to remind me
Someone will come
along and find me
And we'll be forever
inside my dreams
(whirring)
[Stepsisters] Just a
second, we're going.
(whirring)
[Stepsister] Faster
Cinderella, faster.
[Stepsister] No,
slower, Cinderella.
[Stepsister] Faster.
[Stepsister] Slower.
[Stepsister] Faster.
[Stepsister] Slow.
(screams)
(trumpets blaring)
(groans)
Oh boy, oh boy. (Laughing)
Chamberlain, Chamberlain.
Come here at once.
(laughing)
(thuds)
(groans)
Yes, my liege.
(laughing)
(moans)
It's a whopper.
I will summon the
queen immediately.
No, you fool.
Fetch me my baggy pants.
I'm taking this one into town.
(laughing)
[Chamberlain] Too late, my lord.
(whistles)
Good morning, your majesty.
Good morning.
Chamberlain, leave us.
We have private
business to discuss.
Clod.
What is it you want, your highness.
Your highness indeed, you
horny little jack off.
But what do you want, my queen?
Next month, our son will
reach his 21st birthday.
Well this calls for a double
celebration, I would say.
[King] A double celebration?
21 years ago was the
last time you had
a royal boner.
Really? (Laughing)
If you had been in here
a few minutes ago,
you wouldn't be so quick
to judge me. (Laughing)
But I'm not talking
about pierced hard on.
Oh, oh, don't hurt
me, don't hurt me.
Consider this pleasure.
(grunts)
Let's get down to business.
Now I don't mind preparing the ball
but one thing I will not
do, and I don't know
how capable you are,
and that is tell him
the facts of life.
The boy knows absolutely
nothing about sex.
(trumpeting)
(laughing)
(gentle instrumental music)
There was a time when
my scepter would climb
Whene's a sweet lass came my way
If the damsel was built,
the tilt of my kilt
Was a bold invitation to play
But now the thrill's
faded, his highness is jaded
I'm rather a sad, royal bloke
Girls plead for the
chance to fondle my lance
And I just fall
asleep in mid-stroke
With many of them,
I have tried S and M
But I get no kick from the pain
And though you may think
I'm not one for a kink
I once made it with a Great Dane
I can't raise a bulge in my tunic
Per chance I'm becoming a eunuch
Or am I headed
straight for the day
When I'm blissfully
happy and gay?
I've known more delights
than King Arthur has knights
My sex life is legend to some
But I've lost my touch
and I dread it very much
The day when my
kingdom won't come
Kingdom won't come
My kingdom won't come
Can't get my kingdom to come
(moaning)
I don't care if the
prince can't come.
My pee-pee's getting very hard.
(laughing)
(blowing)
[Woman] Hi majesty the kind
and her highness the queen
proclaim a great ball.
(gasps)
In honor of the
birthday of the prince
who will choose a bride.
A bride.
[Woman] From all the
fair maidens of the land.
(shrieks)
We gotta get ready for the ball.
Forget it, you're pregnant.
(minstrel music)
(moaning)
Is your father about?
My business is with him.
He's out setting
beaver traps, my lord.
Beaver traps?
There's no beaver in this
part of the country.
What do you call
this then, my lord?
The fern.
A bush?
[Chamberlain] A bush?
A beaver, my lord.
Beaver?
Fern, bush, beaver?
Bush, beaver, fern.
Then put your beaver
next to her bush.
Yes, my lord.
Now that's a fern.
Ere here, ere here, my lord.
What are you doing?
With me two lovely birds.
Birds, birds, birds. (Stuttering)
It was a hot and long
journey, I thirst,
I stop for a pot of water.
(splashing)
For you, sir.
Invitations from his royal
highness the prince,
inviting your daughters
to the great ball
in honor of his birthday.
(playful instrumental music)
The prince is born.
The prince is born,
my little birds.
(screaming)
Oh, we broke the balls, eh, now.
(groans)
[Drucella] (moans)
You're so gorgeous,
you drive me insane.
And you, my lovely, I could
eat you up, you're so scrummy.
I must come closer.
Closer, yes.
Closer.
[Stepsisters] Closer.
Closer.
Closer.
Closer.
Ooh.
Yes.
It's true.
(growls)
Could I do it to you.
Sweet, sexy and seductive are we
Hot honeys of the highest degree
Live, luscious
ladies lying in wait
We're so fine that it
must have been fate!
Do it, do it, do it to me
Do it, do it, do it now
Do it, do it, do it to me
Do it, do it, do it now
Where could you find
two sensuous sisters
It's evident no
man could resist us
Right from the very
moment he kissed us
That the fool is
a prisoner of love
Do it, do it, do it to me
Do it, do it, do it now
Do it, do it, do it to me
Do it, do it, do it now
When we're done with him,
that man's not the same
But each one of them
is glad that he came
Yeah, even though
we talk a good game
It's been years
since we had us a man
Do it, do it, do it to me
Do it, do it, do it now
Do it, do it, do it to me
Do it, do it, do it now
Do it, do it, do it to me
Do it, do it, do it now
Do it, do it, do it to me
Do it, do it, do it now
(whirring)
(playful instrumental music)
(gasps) The Lord Chamberlain.
My lord.
Fetch your father.
My business is with him.
He's out chopping wood.
For the hearth, my lord.
Hearth.
Hearth, my lord.
Very well.
(screaming)
(thuds)
(laughing)
(gasps)
(solemn instrumental music)
(thuds)
Some wine, my lord?
Yes.
And fetch me an apple.
(groans)
Anything wrong, my lord?
No.
Have you binding?
(crying)
Isn't he paying
taxes, is that it?
Oh please, please
don't harm my father.
He's a good man.
And our mother died,
he's all we've got.
At least kill us when
our father is done.
(crying)
Please, oh please,
please my lord, I'll,
I'll do anything, spare my father.
We'll do anything.
(crying)
For our father.
(acoustic music)
(moaning)
I shan't wait for
your father any longer.
When he returns, give him these.
What are they?
Read them.
(thuds)
His royal highness the
prince has the honor to invite
your daughter to the
great ball he is giving
on the 13th day before.
Why that pompous.
Poop.
(playful instrumental music)
Whoa, Glump, whoa.
(neighing)
Hey, Glump, you're the
best trained horse
in the kingdom.
(knocks)
Oh, Lord Chamberlain.
What a pleasant surprise.
(bangs)
(laughing)
(groans)
(laughing)
(groans)
I think not, madame.
Oh, do, do, do come in.
(laughing)
Do, do come in.
(laughing)
My god, three flew
over the cuckoos nest.
With your kind permission,
madame, may I present
these invitations
to your daughters.
And pretty girl, what
might your name be?
My name is Cinderella.
She deaf. (Moans)
We cannot wait, my Lord, we
cannot thank you enough.
This would be the biggest
ball of them all. (Laughing)
You have no idea.
(laughing) Do, do, do.
(cracking)
Tell us.
(trumpeting)
His majesty, the king
Is going to do his thing
He's going to have a royal ball
His highness sincerely begs us to
Invite the social register
Only if they'll
come one, come all
Her majesty, the queen
Will really dig this scene
She's anxious for a royal ball
It's been so many months, you see
It happened only once, you see
She wants it to
be large, not small
The kingdom will be festive
With wine flowing everywhere
And feasting all around
There'll be many a buxom maiden
And many a handsome lad
And frolicking will abound
His majesty, the prince
This part of it makes me wince
Will announce in
front of one and all
He's looking for
someone great to be
His future mate, you see
In simpler words, the royal ball
(clacking)
(gasps) I'm gonna wear
my gigantic steeple hat
with the big wings.
And I'm gonna wear my ruby
breast flattering. (Laughing)
I'm gonna wear my blue and gold.
Glump.
What should I wear?
(playful instrumental music)
Yes, Cinderella does
need something to wear
to the ball.
But first, of course,
she must be washed.
Glump.
Oh look.
Here's some soap.
[Marbella] That's
not soap, that's.
Yes.
Lovely fragrant bath powder.
Berry juice for her lips.
Ooh, coming along nicely.
[Drucella] Now jewels for tiara.
Oh shit.
Cinderella, it's gorgeous.
Stunning.
It's you.
It's really you.
Cinderella, will you stop
wasting your sisters' time.
They must get ready for the ball.
You should be helping them,
not distracting them.
Ungrateful child.
Glump.
Bitch leg, I promise you
I won't sing anymore.
Give me that.
It's getting cold in here.
[Drucella] We should have
been Charlie's Angels.
[Stepmother] Cinderella,
we're off to the ball.
But please do wait for us.
(laughing)
(gentle instrumental music)
(swooshing)
(suspenseful music)
(popping)
[Man] Thief, he robbed
the old (mumbling).
[Man] Thief, thief, thief.
He robbed my sister, thief, thief.
(screaming)
Thief, over there, over there.
Stop, get him.
Thief.
[Man] Thief, thief, thief.
[Man] He robbed my grandmother.
Thief.
Police, police, thief.
[Cinderella] Who are you?
Who am I?
Who are you?
Well, I'm Cinderella.
Oh, if you're Cinderella,
I'm your fairy godmother.
You're my fairy godmother?
[Godmother] Sure am.
But where's your wings?
Wings?
Oh, my wings were clipped
a long time ago.
Oh.
But isn't a fairy godmother
supposed to be a woman?
Child that didn't even
know what fairy means.
Well a fairy can go
both ways, mama.
Oh, well I'm glad to
see you, of course,
but you're not at all like
they described you to me.
When I was little, I mean.
I was told that my fairy
godmother was, well,
fair skinned.
Well, you know my
sweet, of fairies,
we follow the seasons.
I just came from a long
vacation in an island
and in the sun all day long.
That's why I'm a little
on the dark side.
You know what I mean?
But let's talk about you.
How's my little godchild doing?
Not very well, fairy godmother.
You've been crying.
What's the matter, huh?
My stepmother and
stepsisters have been very
mean to me lately.
Tonight's the great ball
at the palace and...
I know.
The Lord Chamberlain
invited me himself,
but my stepmother threw it
in the fire and it burned.
That's stepmother of
yours, she's a real mother.
No, she's my stepmother.
You see, my father
remarried before he died...
No no no no no no, cool it mama.
(laughing)
Lay your story on me.
Why won't they let you
go to the ball, huh?
I am too dirty and ugly.
Well, why, I meant you do
have a little crud on you.
Yes sir.
But I know, that's enough bad.
Well, here.
Oh, thank you.
Besides, I couldn't go
in these rags, anyway.
(laughing)
Never mind the rags, mama.
And about that ugly
face, you got something
nobody at the ball has got.
You got tits and ass. (Laughing)
Yeah, you can go to the ball naked,
and make them all look like frogs.
(laughing)
Anyway, loosen up now.
We got to do something about that.
Yeah, mama, and you're
still going to the ball.
I'll handle that.
(laughing)
(mumbling)
(laughing) Do you have a little
something to drink, huh,
do you?
[Cinderella] We have
some goat's milk.
Goat's milk.
Are you a fool?
It means that mother
got a little something
in the medicine cabinet, huh.
Which is?
I never heard of that...
How about some smoke, dear?
(mumbling)
The yard's full in back.
No, honey, I mean, Flugel weed.
You sure do talk funny.
What weed?
Are you going on up?
Take a bath and leave the
rest to your fairy godmother.
(babbling)
(upbeat instrumental music)
I have looted half the kingdom
And I've stolen everything
from art to zebras
They were very little zebras
Proving I'm not prejudiced
I've ripped off
Saggitarians and Libras
The Libras owned the zebras
If you can't keep
up with the prices
I'll tell you what
this fairy's advice is
You got to grab it
And fence it while you can
It's a livin'
So stick it to the man
Gotta grab it
If bread is what you lack
It's called a livin'
So slip it in your pack
Won't my family be surprised
When I make my debut
They just won't
believe their eyes
And I'm sure they'll say too
Shove it in your Gucci sack
And load it on the
back of both your zebras
I couldn't fence the zebras
My stash of ladies underwear
Has even got a pair
of double D bras
I put them on the zebras
At every other
trade, I'm inept, so
I guess I'll spend
my days as a klepto
I'm gonna grab it
And fence it while I
can, because it's a living
You got to stick it to the man
So better grab it
If bread is what you lack
It's called a livin'
So I slip it in my pack
With a fairy for a friend
I've no worries since he'll
See that there's a happy end
And I know the prince will
Grab it and put it in your sack
Livin'
Uh-huh
Grab it and put it in your sack
Livin'
Uh-huh
Grab it and put it in your sack
Livin'
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
Grab it and put it in the sack
Livin'
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh
Grab it Oh my, look.
Remember I said tits and ass.
(laughing)
You got a face to with it, yeah.
But now, what?
Now what?
Ah, I'll tell you what. (Laughing)
What good will a fairy
godmother be if he
couldn't help his godchild.
(laughing)
Let him go on and see
what's in his bag.
We're gonna do something about you.
(sniffs)
(grunts)
Yeah, I'll save this for later.
I don't know what the hell it is,
I'll save it for my
next garage sale.
Those people will buy anything.
Oh is that your magic wand?
My what?
Oh, oh, of course.
That's what it is.
Let's see now.
Which wand is this?
I have several, you know.
Could you, could you read this?
My eyes are a little
bad in the dark.
This wand can perform
miracles for good causes only.
Caution, all miracles null
and void at midnight.
Keep out of reach of children.
Does it really work?
That's what it says.
Could we try it on my hair?
It's all wet and stringy.
I'll give it a shot.
Stand back, mama.
This is some heavy shit.
(horn blowing)
(tinkling)
(babbling) Chili, sweet potato pie.
(laughing) Change that
girly bitch in my eye.
(exploding)
(harp plucking)
(gentle instrumental music)
Damn, it works.
This thing ain't going
in no garage sale.
Fairy godmother, you've done it.
Sure, I did. (Laughing)
Come here, baby.
Come on to your sweet daddy.
Wait, oh no, I can't
get into the palace
without my invitation.
You ain't gonna
give up that easy.
(horn blowing)
Pasta. (Laughing)
Lasagna.
(chanting)
Bring the invitation out the fire.
(harp plucking)
[Cinderella] Fairy godmother,
you've done it again.
Hey mama, don't you
have any pumpkins?
No, we've got some watermelons.
(laughing)
Watermelons? (Laughing)
Yeah. (Laughing)
Sure, I hate to waste one.
(laughing)
All we gotta do is
find some horses.
Any rests around here?
No.
(mumbling)
I haven't seen any all year.
But we've got lots of snails.
Snails? (Laughing)
Yeah, but that sure gonna
be a drag. (Laughing)
Get it?
Okay, little snails, soon
you'll be eating oats and hay.
Step back, mama.
Go on.
(horn blowing)
Ride them high.
Ride them low.
However you ride them,
ride them with so.
(exploding)
It's beautiful.
Oh, fairy godmother,
it's beautiful.
(neighing)
White sails, black horses.
Ride on wild.
All we need now is a coachman.
You're looking at him, honey.
Oh, fairy godmother,
you're wonderful.
(laughing)
I guess we're all ready.
Now quite, child.
Step inside this coach here.
(gasps)
Pull up that dress
of yours child.
What for?
Did I ever tell you?
Pull up that dress.
And split those legs. (Laughing)
(horn blowing)
(chanting) The better be tight.
(squeaking)
(popping)
(groans)
(popping)
(hooting)
What was that for?
They have tits and ass, and
a pretty face. (Laughing)
But then I gave you as
napping pussy. (Laughing)
[Cinderella] What for?
You'll find out soon enough.
And when you do. (Laughing)
You'll thank me for it. (Laughing)
I could use a bottle of
Dom Perignon champagne.
(horn blowing)
What?
Do your stuff.
(harp plucking)
(swooshing)
(gentle instrumental music)
(mumbling) Shit.
Does wine only work for honkies?
Goddamn, get on up there.
(laughing)
Just a moment, my darling.
Yes, my sweetheart.
You must promise me
one thing, my darling.
What is that, my sweetheart?
You must control your
insatiable appetite tonight.
Oh, I promise not to eat
any starters whatsoever,
my sweetheart.
I don't mean food, my darling.
I mean. (Sniffs)
(sneezes)
Sex, sex, sex.
(gasps) Oh, dear.
(laughing)
This is a very
important occasion.
And we cannot afford
do jeopardize it.
But how could we
possibly jeopardize
the prince's birthday?
I refer to the loan our
country's trying to obtain
from the king.
We must be on our best
behavior tonight.
Well then, you stick
very close to me, darling,
and you protect me.
You know how the slightest.
(bouncing)
Little thing can just
set me right off.
I will, my darling.
Now, well, get in.
(laughing)
Get in.
(laughing) Yes, yes, yes.
Open the door, you fool.
(laughing)
Swine.
Get off, coachman, get off.
(playful instrumental music)
(moaning)
(grunt)
Hit those rocks.
Darling, control yourself.
(laughing) I can't.
(moaning)
Oh here, hold my hands.
Now hold my breasts.
Sit still.
(moans)
Take your hands off me.
(moans)
Halt.
(moans)
Don't.
Stop.
Don't.
Stop.
Don't.
(screaming)
Stop, stop.
(screaming)
(roaring)
Oh, oh, oh yes,
ride me hard, yes.
(moaning)
I've got something of a tummy.
(babbling)
Oh yes, oh yes.
Wait a little for me wait.
(moaning)
(laughing)
(screaming)
Oh yeah, yeah.
Wait, wait.
(screaming)
(rumbling)
[Man] Damn prince's skateboard.
How quaint.
(laughing)
You shall pay for
your clumsiness.
(slaps)
Both of you.
(classical music)
(laughing)
We're going to the ball.
(laughing)
Or you think I'm going to the ball.
(laughing)
(thuds)
Let the dancing begin.
(applause)
(classical music)
(upbeat disco music)
(classical music)
(applause)
Oh no.
Ha.
Look at him.
He's gorgeous.
What do you think?
10 inches?
Quite cute.
Eight inches, no more.
Eight.
Eight.
Nine and a half at least.
(classical music)
(thuds)
(screaming)
The prince will now choose a
partner for the next dance.
Shmuck.
(classical music)
(applause)
I've met all the beautiful
maidens of the kingdom.
But never have I seen you before.
I know.
You're a visitor from
another kingdom.
No, my prince.
What is your name?
My name is Cinde...
Never mind.
The night is young.
You will tell me later.
I love the mystery about you.
Tonight, I dance with no one else.
(clicks)
(classical music)
If I can't play in the palace,
I'm gonna rob it.
(sniffs)
(mumbling)
If I can't be a king, I'm
sure I don't smell like one.
(laughing)
[Woman] I bet he likes dogs.
Right.
That's why...
[Woman] Why are we doing here?
This dog show here today.
Creep.
And now, fair ladies,
the game you've been
waiting for all evening.
Backgammon.
Here are the rules.
When the pointer spins
and points at a maiden,
she will come behind
the screen to my bed
and them bow to my wishes.
I will now put my blindfold on.
Any of you who do not
wish to play the game,
may leave.
And forever hold your piece.
(laughing)
(gasps)
(screaming)
(laughing)
(gentle instrumental music)
(moaning)
(classical music)
(whispering)
(moans)
(speaking in foreign language)
(grunts)
(speaking in foreign language)
(laughing)
(growls)
(coughs)
(mumbling)
You play it down on my
gal, I'll pull your ass
all over your head and
make your dumb ass.
(growls)
You (speaking in foreign language).
Now get out.
(shrieking)
(kissing)
(playful instrumental music)
(gentle instrumental music)
(moaning)
(playful instrumental music)
(classical music)
(playful instrumental music)
(moaning)
Hello. (Whispering)
Don't smear my lipstick.
(screaming)
Oh not me.
(whispering)
(groaning)
(moaning)
(gentle instrumental music)
(moaning)
(popping)
(gasping)
The sensation.
It snaps.
(screaming)
Fairy, fairy godmother.
Yes, he gave me snapping pussy.
A snapping pussy.
The kingdom has a snapper.
(laughing)
A snapper, the kingdom
has a snapper.
Chamberlain.
(moaning)
A snapper.
Do you know what I'm smelling.
I smell a snapping pussy.
Why you don't got
no snapping pussy.
(speaking in foreign language)
(bell tolling)
Snapper.
(moaning)
(screaming)
A snapping pussy. (Laughing)
Chamberlain.
A snapping.
(screaming)
It's time.
(bells tolling)
It's time.
Time up, mama.
Time, time, time.
(screaming)
Time, time, time.
It's time.
Snapper.
A snapper.
The snapper.
Let go, man.
(screaming)
Let go snapper.
Mine.
(laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
In all my years as
king of this land
I've led an unusual life
I've run into many
a beast in which
Not the least of which is my wife
But now a young
maiden has come along
And she's made my spirit rise
With a rare and wondrous talent
That lies betwixt her thighs
Ooh, a snapper
Want to trap her
Although I'm rather envious
I also brim with pride
That lucky son-of-a-bitch
Has found a snapper for his bride
It's always a rare occasion
when the king takes me to bed
Once we're there, I find he's
soft, not only in the head
But now he swells
about what dwells
Within this maiden's lap
The only thing he'll get from her
Is a common case of clap
Oh, that snapper
Want to slap her
If I should catch
her with the king
I'll tear her limb from limb
And if the prince is fortunate,
I'll save a piece for him
The royal family's in a state
That's best described as shock
The prince is running
through the halls
Behaving like a schmuck
The king is fleeing
from the queen
Not anxious to be crowned
The mystery wench departed
and she's nowhere to be found
Oh, that snapper
We'll kidnap her
The prince must now conduct
a search through hovels
Homes and huts
In order to retrieve the lass
who sheathed his royal putz
Oh, that snapper
We'll kidnap her
The prince will now
conduct a search
Through hovels, homes and huts
In order to retrieve the lass
who sheathed his royal putz
(trumpeting)
(upbeat instrumental music)
Good news travels fast.
I know.
Why don't you put inside
where it's a little stabler.
Then you know what we seek?
If this glass slipper
should fit one
of your lovely daughters,
then they will the bride
of the prince.
That is, if they can
pass the final test.
A final test?
My good man, why don't
we leave the prince
and your lovely daughters alone.
I'm sure they'd be
more at ease that way.
Oh of course, my lord. (Laughing)
Is it nice there in the palace?
Will I like living there?
It fits both of you.
Tell the truth, girls.
Were one of you one of the ones
who left me behind
that screen during
our little game last night?
Yes we were, my prince.
When she held me with you
know, it was like a vice.
Her charms did indeed snap at me.
Well mine snaps and crackles.
And mine pops.
We shall see.
We shall see.
What exactly is it that you do?
Not even pop?
How many people would have to die
before I became king?
(screaming)
Do you feel it snap?
No.
(groans)
Crackle?
No.
(moans)
(classical music)
No, no more.
I've been searching for days now.
Not only can't I find my snapper,
I can't find my pee-pee.
(laughing)
His majesty, the prince.
Oh, the prince do.
Come in, do. (Laughing)
Yes, yes, the prince.
Your highness. (Laughing)
(hooting)
Prince-y, not quite king sized.
(laughing)
You remember my daughters
at the ball that night.
Could I ever forget them.
(laughing)
Oh we're so happy, my prince.
Yes, we waited so long.
Never mind all this.
Ladies, please.
Try the slippers, yes.
Give me that.
(grunting)
(laughing)
[Stepmother] Oh, playful lot, eh?
(laughing)
Looks right. (Laughing)
(snorting)
I guess my feet swelled up
from dancing last night.
I'm sure if we try tomorrow.
Never mind tomorrow,
give me that.
(laughing)
Phew.
(coughs)
(laughing) Oh, they say
that glass shrinks at night
or the daylight sometimes.
Let us be off, Chamberlain.
Not yet, my prince.
Not yet?
But there's nothing left of me.
There's one maiden left.
Oh, don't worry about her.
My lord, she's never had on shoes,
let alone glass slippers.
Anyway, she never
went to the ball.
I should say not.
But I remember giving
her an invitation myself.
Come here, girl.
Let her sit.
(groans)
I know the slipper fits, my dear.
What did you say your name was?
My name is Cinde...
Never mind, girl.
It's no use, it's no use.
You couldn't possibly be the one.
What I mean is, you could
hardly be the one who,
who possesses, possesses the.
(gentle instrumental music)
Oh no.
Oh no, no.
You can't be the one.
No, no, no.
No, you, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
She's the one.
She's my snapper.
(moans)
Why didn't you bother to tell me,
she was the one with the
snapping pussy. (Laughing)
She was always my favorite.
(laughing)
She's my favorite.
Hop on my children, hop on, hop on.
Do it, do it.
(moans)
(drum beating)
Oh, look at all the commotion.
It must be the pleasure fair.
(laughing)
[Godmother] Oh looks like
it is the end of my roots.
(drum beating)
(yelling)
(laughing)
Off with it.
(laughing)
(drum beating)
It's my fairy godmother.
We've got to save him.
Your what?
I'll explain later.
Halt.
What has this man done?
Last night at the great ball
in your honor, my prince,
he cleaned out the palace.
Furs, shawls, all
matter of perfumes,
and above all, the royal jewels.
Oh yes, two corn cobs.
But my dear, this
is a serious offense.
My prince, I beseech
thee, it wasn't for him
we'd never have met.
What are you saying?
He gave the one who
gave me the snapper.
He what?
You release him,
or no more snapper.
Release that man.
He's in my protection now.
Goodbye, fairy friend.
Which of you honkies got my bag?
Here it is.
Thank you one and all.
(playful instrumental music)
Wait for me, mama.
I'm going with you.
Just one time, I don't
mind riding at the back
of the coach.
(playful instrumental music)
(screaming)
Snap on now.
Snap on.
And Cinderella lived
happily ever after,
thanks to my snap judgment.
(laughing)
(upbeat song)
(speaking in foreign language)
(playful instrumental music)
(speaking in foreign language)
Cinderella.
(playful instrumental music)
I want in, someone.
Hurry, just get that milkman
and jerk off that goat.
Get me some fresh milk.
Yesterday, milk was curdled.
If the lady of Avon comes,
get me one of everything.
I you get another wash,
you can have the water
to wash your hair.
You know there's a water shortage.
And then you'll take in more
laundry from the neighbors.
We need the money.
Don't make you another
wig of your sister's.
Keep working, work keep
your mind off sex.
Oh look.
This baby is daydreaming again.
I wonder what about.
Probably about all kinds of
dirty and degenerate dogs.
(laughing)
Dingling and dangling about her.
She mopes through her dreary day.
I think it's naughty.
I should say, if you
didn't if you ask me,
which I know you're about to do.
(laughing)
Shirking her little duties again.
Disgrace all.
Marbella, Marbella.
Give it a little two.
(sniffing)
(hoots)
Do you know, that a
not so little birdie
told me that it was none
other than little ass.
Rella over there that told
mama we go out at night.
I never did any such thing.
I wouldn't, believe me.
I did no such thing.
I wouldn't, believe me.
I did no such thing.
I wouldn't, believe me.
(shushing)
Really, Cinderella,
you are such a bore.
You always force us to behave
so unpleasantly to you.
I think that even a
tour most unpleasant,
we're not at all that
unpleasant, actually.
Are we?
(clacking)
Are we Cinderella? (Laughing)
Well, I...
Talk.
You think like a snail.
Honestly, why don't
you go old and die
before you would answer a
perfectly simple question.
Or was the question, never mind,
whatever she would answer
would be a bore.
Drucella, dear.
We mustn't forget about
Cinderella's indiscretion tip.
Mama, it was unforgivably naughty.
She must be punished, mustn't she?
Of course.
How else will she ever learn?
Let's see.
She can wash our dresses.
And they must be perfectly
pressed, do you hear?
Perfectly pressed.
(playful instrumental music)
Cinderella, sweep the
ashes from the fireplace
Cinderella, wash and
scrub up the entire place
Cinderella, polish
every little widget
Sit up straight girl, don't
you fuss and don't you fidget
And I wonder if I
have to face this scorn
Yes, I wonder just
why I was ever born
Times when I want to
cry, I spy a rainbow
When life is gray, the
flowers start to bloom
Or when a chilling wind
begins the rain flow
I take a moment to remind me
Someone will come
along and find me
Suddenly I can
smile away the gloom
Cinderella, braid my
hair and just for kickers
Cinderella, darn my
hose and iron my knickers
Cinderella, you're a
good-for-nothing wretch, girl
Where's my girdle
Goodness sake's, go
run and fetch girl
And I wonder, is
this all I'll ever be
Yes, I wonder, is there
nothing more to see
When I am cold, the
morning sun will warm me
When I am sad, the
birds begin my song
And when, at times, my
life begins to scorn me
I take a moment to remind me
Someday he'll come
along and find me
And the time goes
by and I am strong
Sometimes I think in a
wink of an eye it'll happen
Life rearranges and
changes tomorrow's tune
But just when I'm caught Ina
thought, I remember tomorrow
And just like today, it
will be on its way too soon
So I can't be down too
long or stay too lonely
For nothing can be
as awful as it seems
When things go wrong,
I know that I have only
To take a moment to remind me
Someone will come
along and find me
And we'll be forever
inside my dreams
(whirring)
[Stepsisters] Just a
second, we're going.
(whirring)
[Stepsister] Faster
Cinderella, faster.
[Stepsister] No,
slower, Cinderella.
[Stepsister] Faster.
[Stepsister] Slower.
[Stepsister] Faster.
[Stepsister] Slow.
(screams)
(trumpets blaring)
(groans)
Oh boy, oh boy. (Laughing)
Chamberlain, Chamberlain.
Come here at once.
(laughing)
(thuds)
(groans)
Yes, my liege.
(laughing)
(moans)
It's a whopper.
I will summon the
queen immediately.
No, you fool.
Fetch me my baggy pants.
I'm taking this one into town.
(laughing)
[Chamberlain] Too late, my lord.
(whistles)
Good morning, your majesty.
Good morning.
Chamberlain, leave us.
We have private
business to discuss.
Clod.
What is it you want, your highness.
Your highness indeed, you
horny little jack off.
But what do you want, my queen?
Next month, our son will
reach his 21st birthday.
Well this calls for a double
celebration, I would say.
[King] A double celebration?
21 years ago was the
last time you had
a royal boner.
Really? (Laughing)
If you had been in here
a few minutes ago,
you wouldn't be so quick
to judge me. (Laughing)
But I'm not talking
about pierced hard on.
Oh, oh, don't hurt
me, don't hurt me.
Consider this pleasure.
(grunts)
Let's get down to business.
Now I don't mind preparing the ball
but one thing I will not
do, and I don't know
how capable you are,
and that is tell him
the facts of life.
The boy knows absolutely
nothing about sex.
(trumpeting)
(laughing)
(gentle instrumental music)
There was a time when
my scepter would climb
Whene's a sweet lass came my way
If the damsel was built,
the tilt of my kilt
Was a bold invitation to play
But now the thrill's
faded, his highness is jaded
I'm rather a sad, royal bloke
Girls plead for the
chance to fondle my lance
And I just fall
asleep in mid-stroke
With many of them,
I have tried S and M
But I get no kick from the pain
And though you may think
I'm not one for a kink
I once made it with a Great Dane
I can't raise a bulge in my tunic
Per chance I'm becoming a eunuch
Or am I headed
straight for the day
When I'm blissfully
happy and gay?
I've known more delights
than King Arthur has knights
My sex life is legend to some
But I've lost my touch
and I dread it very much
The day when my
kingdom won't come
Kingdom won't come
My kingdom won't come
Can't get my kingdom to come
(moaning)
I don't care if the
prince can't come.
My pee-pee's getting very hard.
(laughing)
(blowing)
[Woman] Hi majesty the kind
and her highness the queen
proclaim a great ball.
(gasps)
In honor of the
birthday of the prince
who will choose a bride.
A bride.
[Woman] From all the
fair maidens of the land.
(shrieks)
We gotta get ready for the ball.
Forget it, you're pregnant.
(minstrel music)
(moaning)
Is your father about?
My business is with him.
He's out setting
beaver traps, my lord.
Beaver traps?
There's no beaver in this
part of the country.
What do you call
this then, my lord?
The fern.
A bush?
[Chamberlain] A bush?
A beaver, my lord.
Beaver?
Fern, bush, beaver?
Bush, beaver, fern.
Then put your beaver
next to her bush.
Yes, my lord.
Now that's a fern.
Ere here, ere here, my lord.
What are you doing?
With me two lovely birds.
Birds, birds, birds. (Stuttering)
It was a hot and long
journey, I thirst,
I stop for a pot of water.
(splashing)
For you, sir.
Invitations from his royal
highness the prince,
inviting your daughters
to the great ball
in honor of his birthday.
(playful instrumental music)
The prince is born.
The prince is born,
my little birds.
(screaming)
Oh, we broke the balls, eh, now.
(groans)
[Drucella] (moans)
You're so gorgeous,
you drive me insane.
And you, my lovely, I could
eat you up, you're so scrummy.
I must come closer.
Closer, yes.
Closer.
[Stepsisters] Closer.
Closer.
Closer.
Closer.
Ooh.
Yes.
It's true.
(growls)
Could I do it to you.
Sweet, sexy and seductive are we
Hot honeys of the highest degree
Live, luscious
ladies lying in wait
We're so fine that it
must have been fate!
Do it, do it, do it to me
Do it, do it, do it now
Do it, do it, do it to me
Do it, do it, do it now
Where could you find
two sensuous sisters
It's evident no
man could resist us
Right from the very
moment he kissed us
That the fool is
a prisoner of love
Do it, do it, do it to me
Do it, do it, do it now
Do it, do it, do it to me
Do it, do it, do it now
When we're done with him,
that man's not the same
But each one of them
is glad that he came
Yeah, even though
we talk a good game
It's been years
since we had us a man
Do it, do it, do it to me
Do it, do it, do it now
Do it, do it, do it to me
Do it, do it, do it now
Do it, do it, do it to me
Do it, do it, do it now
Do it, do it, do it to me
Do it, do it, do it now
(whirring)
(playful instrumental music)
(gasps) The Lord Chamberlain.
My lord.
Fetch your father.
My business is with him.
He's out chopping wood.
For the hearth, my lord.
Hearth.
Hearth, my lord.
Very well.
(screaming)
(thuds)
(laughing)
(gasps)
(solemn instrumental music)
(thuds)
Some wine, my lord?
Yes.
And fetch me an apple.
(groans)
Anything wrong, my lord?
No.
Have you binding?
(crying)
Isn't he paying
taxes, is that it?
Oh please, please
don't harm my father.
He's a good man.
And our mother died,
he's all we've got.
At least kill us when
our father is done.
(crying)
Please, oh please,
please my lord, I'll,
I'll do anything, spare my father.
We'll do anything.
(crying)
For our father.
(acoustic music)
(moaning)
I shan't wait for
your father any longer.
When he returns, give him these.
What are they?
Read them.
(thuds)
His royal highness the
prince has the honor to invite
your daughter to the
great ball he is giving
on the 13th day before.
Why that pompous.
Poop.
(playful instrumental music)
Whoa, Glump, whoa.
(neighing)
Hey, Glump, you're the
best trained horse
in the kingdom.
(knocks)
Oh, Lord Chamberlain.
What a pleasant surprise.
(bangs)
(laughing)
(groans)
(laughing)
(groans)
I think not, madame.
Oh, do, do, do come in.
(laughing)
Do, do come in.
(laughing)
My god, three flew
over the cuckoos nest.
With your kind permission,
madame, may I present
these invitations
to your daughters.
And pretty girl, what
might your name be?
My name is Cinderella.
She deaf. (Moans)
We cannot wait, my Lord, we
cannot thank you enough.
This would be the biggest
ball of them all. (Laughing)
You have no idea.
(laughing) Do, do, do.
(cracking)
Tell us.
(trumpeting)
His majesty, the king
Is going to do his thing
He's going to have a royal ball
His highness sincerely begs us to
Invite the social register
Only if they'll
come one, come all
Her majesty, the queen
Will really dig this scene
She's anxious for a royal ball
It's been so many months, you see
It happened only once, you see
She wants it to
be large, not small
The kingdom will be festive
With wine flowing everywhere
And feasting all around
There'll be many a buxom maiden
And many a handsome lad
And frolicking will abound
His majesty, the prince
This part of it makes me wince
Will announce in
front of one and all
He's looking for
someone great to be
His future mate, you see
In simpler words, the royal ball
(clacking)
(gasps) I'm gonna wear
my gigantic steeple hat
with the big wings.
And I'm gonna wear my ruby
breast flattering. (Laughing)
I'm gonna wear my blue and gold.
Glump.
What should I wear?
(playful instrumental music)
Yes, Cinderella does
need something to wear
to the ball.
But first, of course,
she must be washed.
Glump.
Oh look.
Here's some soap.
[Marbella] That's
not soap, that's.
Yes.
Lovely fragrant bath powder.
Berry juice for her lips.
Ooh, coming along nicely.
[Drucella] Now jewels for tiara.
Oh shit.
Cinderella, it's gorgeous.
Stunning.
It's you.
It's really you.
Cinderella, will you stop
wasting your sisters' time.
They must get ready for the ball.
You should be helping them,
not distracting them.
Ungrateful child.
Glump.
Bitch leg, I promise you
I won't sing anymore.
Give me that.
It's getting cold in here.
[Drucella] We should have
been Charlie's Angels.
[Stepmother] Cinderella,
we're off to the ball.
But please do wait for us.
(laughing)
(gentle instrumental music)
(swooshing)
(suspenseful music)
(popping)
[Man] Thief, he robbed
the old (mumbling).
[Man] Thief, thief, thief.
He robbed my sister, thief, thief.
(screaming)
Thief, over there, over there.
Stop, get him.
Thief.
[Man] Thief, thief, thief.
[Man] He robbed my grandmother.
Thief.
Police, police, thief.
[Cinderella] Who are you?
Who am I?
Who are you?
Well, I'm Cinderella.
Oh, if you're Cinderella,
I'm your fairy godmother.
You're my fairy godmother?
[Godmother] Sure am.
But where's your wings?
Wings?
Oh, my wings were clipped
a long time ago.
Oh.
But isn't a fairy godmother
supposed to be a woman?
Child that didn't even
know what fairy means.
Well a fairy can go
both ways, mama.
Oh, well I'm glad to
see you, of course,
but you're not at all like
they described you to me.
When I was little, I mean.
I was told that my fairy
godmother was, well,
fair skinned.
Well, you know my
sweet, of fairies,
we follow the seasons.
I just came from a long
vacation in an island
and in the sun all day long.
That's why I'm a little
on the dark side.
You know what I mean?
But let's talk about you.
How's my little godchild doing?
Not very well, fairy godmother.
You've been crying.
What's the matter, huh?
My stepmother and
stepsisters have been very
mean to me lately.
Tonight's the great ball
at the palace and...
I know.
The Lord Chamberlain
invited me himself,
but my stepmother threw it
in the fire and it burned.
That's stepmother of
yours, she's a real mother.
No, she's my stepmother.
You see, my father
remarried before he died...
No no no no no no, cool it mama.
(laughing)
Lay your story on me.
Why won't they let you
go to the ball, huh?
I am too dirty and ugly.
Well, why, I meant you do
have a little crud on you.
Yes sir.
But I know, that's enough bad.
Well, here.
Oh, thank you.
Besides, I couldn't go
in these rags, anyway.
(laughing)
Never mind the rags, mama.
And about that ugly
face, you got something
nobody at the ball has got.
You got tits and ass. (Laughing)
Yeah, you can go to the ball naked,
and make them all look like frogs.
(laughing)
Anyway, loosen up now.
We got to do something about that.
Yeah, mama, and you're
still going to the ball.
I'll handle that.
(laughing)
(mumbling)
(laughing) Do you have a little
something to drink, huh,
do you?
[Cinderella] We have
some goat's milk.
Goat's milk.
Are you a fool?
It means that mother
got a little something
in the medicine cabinet, huh.
Which is?
I never heard of that...
How about some smoke, dear?
(mumbling)
The yard's full in back.
No, honey, I mean, Flugel weed.
You sure do talk funny.
What weed?
Are you going on up?
Take a bath and leave the
rest to your fairy godmother.
(babbling)
(upbeat instrumental music)
I have looted half the kingdom
And I've stolen everything
from art to zebras
They were very little zebras
Proving I'm not prejudiced
I've ripped off
Saggitarians and Libras
The Libras owned the zebras
If you can't keep
up with the prices
I'll tell you what
this fairy's advice is
You got to grab it
And fence it while you can
It's a livin'
So stick it to the man
Gotta grab it
If bread is what you lack
It's called a livin'
So slip it in your pack
Won't my family be surprised
When I make my debut
They just won't
believe their eyes
And I'm sure they'll say too
Shove it in your Gucci sack
And load it on the
back of both your zebras
I couldn't fence the zebras
My stash of ladies underwear
Has even got a pair
of double D bras
I put them on the zebras
At every other
trade, I'm inept, so
I guess I'll spend
my days as a klepto
I'm gonna grab it
And fence it while I
can, because it's a living
You got to stick it to the man
So better grab it
If bread is what you lack
It's called a livin'
So I slip it in my pack
With a fairy for a friend
I've no worries since he'll
See that there's a happy end
And I know the prince will
Grab it and put it in your sack
Livin'
Uh-huh
Grab it and put it in your sack
Livin'
Uh-huh
Grab it and put it in your sack
Livin'
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
Grab it and put it in the sack
Livin'
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh-huh
Grab it Oh my, look.
Remember I said tits and ass.
(laughing)
You got a face to with it, yeah.
But now, what?
Now what?
Ah, I'll tell you what. (Laughing)
What good will a fairy
godmother be if he
couldn't help his godchild.
(laughing)
Let him go on and see
what's in his bag.
We're gonna do something about you.
(sniffs)
(grunts)
Yeah, I'll save this for later.
I don't know what the hell it is,
I'll save it for my
next garage sale.
Those people will buy anything.
Oh is that your magic wand?
My what?
Oh, oh, of course.
That's what it is.
Let's see now.
Which wand is this?
I have several, you know.
Could you, could you read this?
My eyes are a little
bad in the dark.
This wand can perform
miracles for good causes only.
Caution, all miracles null
and void at midnight.
Keep out of reach of children.
Does it really work?
That's what it says.
Could we try it on my hair?
It's all wet and stringy.
I'll give it a shot.
Stand back, mama.
This is some heavy shit.
(horn blowing)
(tinkling)
(babbling) Chili, sweet potato pie.
(laughing) Change that
girly bitch in my eye.
(exploding)
(harp plucking)
(gentle instrumental music)
Damn, it works.
This thing ain't going
in no garage sale.
Fairy godmother, you've done it.
Sure, I did. (Laughing)
Come here, baby.
Come on to your sweet daddy.
Wait, oh no, I can't
get into the palace
without my invitation.
You ain't gonna
give up that easy.
(horn blowing)
Pasta. (Laughing)
Lasagna.
(chanting)
Bring the invitation out the fire.
(harp plucking)
[Cinderella] Fairy godmother,
you've done it again.
Hey mama, don't you
have any pumpkins?
No, we've got some watermelons.
(laughing)
Watermelons? (Laughing)
Yeah. (Laughing)
Sure, I hate to waste one.
(laughing)
All we gotta do is
find some horses.
Any rests around here?
No.
(mumbling)
I haven't seen any all year.
But we've got lots of snails.
Snails? (Laughing)
Yeah, but that sure gonna
be a drag. (Laughing)
Get it?
Okay, little snails, soon
you'll be eating oats and hay.
Step back, mama.
Go on.
(horn blowing)
Ride them high.
Ride them low.
However you ride them,
ride them with so.
(exploding)
It's beautiful.
Oh, fairy godmother,
it's beautiful.
(neighing)
White sails, black horses.
Ride on wild.
All we need now is a coachman.
You're looking at him, honey.
Oh, fairy godmother,
you're wonderful.
(laughing)
I guess we're all ready.
Now quite, child.
Step inside this coach here.
(gasps)
Pull up that dress
of yours child.
What for?
Did I ever tell you?
Pull up that dress.
And split those legs. (Laughing)
(horn blowing)
(chanting) The better be tight.
(squeaking)
(popping)
(groans)
(popping)
(hooting)
What was that for?
They have tits and ass, and
a pretty face. (Laughing)
But then I gave you as
napping pussy. (Laughing)
[Cinderella] What for?
You'll find out soon enough.
And when you do. (Laughing)
You'll thank me for it. (Laughing)
I could use a bottle of
Dom Perignon champagne.
(horn blowing)
What?
Do your stuff.
(harp plucking)
(swooshing)
(gentle instrumental music)
(mumbling) Shit.
Does wine only work for honkies?
Goddamn, get on up there.
(laughing)
Just a moment, my darling.
Yes, my sweetheart.
You must promise me
one thing, my darling.
What is that, my sweetheart?
You must control your
insatiable appetite tonight.
Oh, I promise not to eat
any starters whatsoever,
my sweetheart.
I don't mean food, my darling.
I mean. (Sniffs)
(sneezes)
Sex, sex, sex.
(gasps) Oh, dear.
(laughing)
This is a very
important occasion.
And we cannot afford
do jeopardize it.
But how could we
possibly jeopardize
the prince's birthday?
I refer to the loan our
country's trying to obtain
from the king.
We must be on our best
behavior tonight.
Well then, you stick
very close to me, darling,
and you protect me.
You know how the slightest.
(bouncing)
Little thing can just
set me right off.
I will, my darling.
Now, well, get in.
(laughing)
Get in.
(laughing) Yes, yes, yes.
Open the door, you fool.
(laughing)
Swine.
Get off, coachman, get off.
(playful instrumental music)
(moaning)
(grunt)
Hit those rocks.
Darling, control yourself.
(laughing) I can't.
(moaning)
Oh here, hold my hands.
Now hold my breasts.
Sit still.
(moans)
Take your hands off me.
(moans)
Halt.
(moans)
Don't.
Stop.
Don't.
Stop.
Don't.
(screaming)
Stop, stop.
(screaming)
(roaring)
Oh, oh, oh yes,
ride me hard, yes.
(moaning)
I've got something of a tummy.
(babbling)
Oh yes, oh yes.
Wait a little for me wait.
(moaning)
(laughing)
(screaming)
Oh yeah, yeah.
Wait, wait.
(screaming)
(rumbling)
[Man] Damn prince's skateboard.
How quaint.
(laughing)
You shall pay for
your clumsiness.
(slaps)
Both of you.
(classical music)
(laughing)
We're going to the ball.
(laughing)
Or you think I'm going to the ball.
(laughing)
(thuds)
Let the dancing begin.
(applause)
(classical music)
(upbeat disco music)
(classical music)
(applause)
Oh no.
Ha.
Look at him.
He's gorgeous.
What do you think?
10 inches?
Quite cute.
Eight inches, no more.
Eight.
Eight.
Nine and a half at least.
(classical music)
(thuds)
(screaming)
The prince will now choose a
partner for the next dance.
Shmuck.
(classical music)
(applause)
I've met all the beautiful
maidens of the kingdom.
But never have I seen you before.
I know.
You're a visitor from
another kingdom.
No, my prince.
What is your name?
My name is Cinde...
Never mind.
The night is young.
You will tell me later.
I love the mystery about you.
Tonight, I dance with no one else.
(clicks)
(classical music)
If I can't play in the palace,
I'm gonna rob it.
(sniffs)
(mumbling)
If I can't be a king, I'm
sure I don't smell like one.
(laughing)
[Woman] I bet he likes dogs.
Right.
That's why...
[Woman] Why are we doing here?
This dog show here today.
Creep.
And now, fair ladies,
the game you've been
waiting for all evening.
Backgammon.
Here are the rules.
When the pointer spins
and points at a maiden,
she will come behind
the screen to my bed
and them bow to my wishes.
I will now put my blindfold on.
Any of you who do not
wish to play the game,
may leave.
And forever hold your piece.
(laughing)
(gasps)
(screaming)
(laughing)
(gentle instrumental music)
(moaning)
(classical music)
(whispering)
(moans)
(speaking in foreign language)
(grunts)
(speaking in foreign language)
(laughing)
(growls)
(coughs)
(mumbling)
You play it down on my
gal, I'll pull your ass
all over your head and
make your dumb ass.
(growls)
You (speaking in foreign language).
Now get out.
(shrieking)
(kissing)
(playful instrumental music)
(gentle instrumental music)
(moaning)
(playful instrumental music)
(classical music)
(playful instrumental music)
(moaning)
Hello. (Whispering)
Don't smear my lipstick.
(screaming)
Oh not me.
(whispering)
(groaning)
(moaning)
(gentle instrumental music)
(moaning)
(popping)
(gasping)
The sensation.
It snaps.
(screaming)
Fairy, fairy godmother.
Yes, he gave me snapping pussy.
A snapping pussy.
The kingdom has a snapper.
(laughing)
A snapper, the kingdom
has a snapper.
Chamberlain.
(moaning)
A snapper.
Do you know what I'm smelling.
I smell a snapping pussy.
Why you don't got
no snapping pussy.
(speaking in foreign language)
(bell tolling)
Snapper.
(moaning)
(screaming)
A snapping pussy. (Laughing)
Chamberlain.
A snapping.
(screaming)
It's time.
(bells tolling)
It's time.
Time up, mama.
Time, time, time.
(screaming)
Time, time, time.
It's time.
Snapper.
A snapper.
The snapper.
Let go, man.
(screaming)
Let go snapper.
Mine.
(laughing)
(playful instrumental music)
In all my years as
king of this land
I've led an unusual life
I've run into many
a beast in which
Not the least of which is my wife
But now a young
maiden has come along
And she's made my spirit rise
With a rare and wondrous talent
That lies betwixt her thighs
Ooh, a snapper
Want to trap her
Although I'm rather envious
I also brim with pride
That lucky son-of-a-bitch
Has found a snapper for his bride
It's always a rare occasion
when the king takes me to bed
Once we're there, I find he's
soft, not only in the head
But now he swells
about what dwells
Within this maiden's lap
The only thing he'll get from her
Is a common case of clap
Oh, that snapper
Want to slap her
If I should catch
her with the king
I'll tear her limb from limb
And if the prince is fortunate,
I'll save a piece for him
The royal family's in a state
That's best described as shock
The prince is running
through the halls
Behaving like a schmuck
The king is fleeing
from the queen
Not anxious to be crowned
The mystery wench departed
and she's nowhere to be found
Oh, that snapper
We'll kidnap her
The prince must now conduct
a search through hovels
Homes and huts
In order to retrieve the lass
who sheathed his royal putz
Oh, that snapper
We'll kidnap her
The prince will now
conduct a search
Through hovels, homes and huts
In order to retrieve the lass
who sheathed his royal putz
(trumpeting)
(upbeat instrumental music)
Good news travels fast.
I know.
Why don't you put inside
where it's a little stabler.
Then you know what we seek?
If this glass slipper
should fit one
of your lovely daughters,
then they will the bride
of the prince.
That is, if they can
pass the final test.
A final test?
My good man, why don't
we leave the prince
and your lovely daughters alone.
I'm sure they'd be
more at ease that way.
Oh of course, my lord. (Laughing)
Is it nice there in the palace?
Will I like living there?
It fits both of you.
Tell the truth, girls.
Were one of you one of the ones
who left me behind
that screen during
our little game last night?
Yes we were, my prince.
When she held me with you
know, it was like a vice.
Her charms did indeed snap at me.
Well mine snaps and crackles.
And mine pops.
We shall see.
We shall see.
What exactly is it that you do?
Not even pop?
How many people would have to die
before I became king?
(screaming)
Do you feel it snap?
No.
(groans)
Crackle?
No.
(moans)
(classical music)
No, no more.
I've been searching for days now.
Not only can't I find my snapper,
I can't find my pee-pee.
(laughing)
His majesty, the prince.
Oh, the prince do.
Come in, do. (Laughing)
Yes, yes, the prince.
Your highness. (Laughing)
(hooting)
Prince-y, not quite king sized.
(laughing)
You remember my daughters
at the ball that night.
Could I ever forget them.
(laughing)
Oh we're so happy, my prince.
Yes, we waited so long.
Never mind all this.
Ladies, please.
Try the slippers, yes.
Give me that.
(grunting)
(laughing)
[Stepmother] Oh, playful lot, eh?
(laughing)
Looks right. (Laughing)
(snorting)
I guess my feet swelled up
from dancing last night.
I'm sure if we try tomorrow.
Never mind tomorrow,
give me that.
(laughing)
Phew.
(coughs)
(laughing) Oh, they say
that glass shrinks at night
or the daylight sometimes.
Let us be off, Chamberlain.
Not yet, my prince.
Not yet?
But there's nothing left of me.
There's one maiden left.
Oh, don't worry about her.
My lord, she's never had on shoes,
let alone glass slippers.
Anyway, she never
went to the ball.
I should say not.
But I remember giving
her an invitation myself.
Come here, girl.
Let her sit.
(groans)
I know the slipper fits, my dear.
What did you say your name was?
My name is Cinde...
Never mind, girl.
It's no use, it's no use.
You couldn't possibly be the one.
What I mean is, you could
hardly be the one who,
who possesses, possesses the.
(gentle instrumental music)
Oh no.
Oh no, no.
You can't be the one.
No, no, no.
No, you, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
She's the one.
She's my snapper.
(moans)
Why didn't you bother to tell me,
she was the one with the
snapping pussy. (Laughing)
She was always my favorite.
(laughing)
She's my favorite.
Hop on my children, hop on, hop on.
Do it, do it.
(moans)
(drum beating)
Oh, look at all the commotion.
It must be the pleasure fair.
(laughing)
[Godmother] Oh looks like
it is the end of my roots.
(drum beating)
(yelling)
(laughing)
Off with it.
(laughing)
(drum beating)
It's my fairy godmother.
We've got to save him.
Your what?
I'll explain later.
Halt.
What has this man done?
Last night at the great ball
in your honor, my prince,
he cleaned out the palace.
Furs, shawls, all
matter of perfumes,
and above all, the royal jewels.
Oh yes, two corn cobs.
But my dear, this
is a serious offense.
My prince, I beseech
thee, it wasn't for him
we'd never have met.
What are you saying?
He gave the one who
gave me the snapper.
He what?
You release him,
or no more snapper.
Release that man.
He's in my protection now.
Goodbye, fairy friend.
Which of you honkies got my bag?
Here it is.
Thank you one and all.
(playful instrumental music)
Wait for me, mama.
I'm going with you.
Just one time, I don't
mind riding at the back
of the coach.
(playful instrumental music)
(screaming)
Snap on now.
Snap on.
And Cinderella lived
happily ever after,
thanks to my snap judgment.
(laughing)
(upbeat song)