Clara's Ghost (2018) Movie Script
TED: Okay, Clara,
you don't have to kill us.
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
[EXHALES]
It just makes no sense.
TED: Well...
Wait.
I think I see it.
Is that it? Is that it?
Oh, what a relief.
I thought I was gonna have to
try to find it online.
[COYOTE HOWLING]
[LEAVES RUSTLING]
Excuse me. Hello?
MAN: Do you mind?
Lady.
Can you see me?
[CAR HORN BLARING]
MAN: Hello?
Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
Sorry.
Damn it.
CLARA: It's not it, Ted.
It's exactly like this one.
The brand is Dina,
or Dina, D-I-N-A.
And I got them at Marshall's
near the Palisades mall,
with my sister in New Jersey.
And I think I had
a store credit.
And, oh, they were on clearance.
So, there's no way they
have them there anymore.
Gotcha. So,
someone stole your shoe?
No, no, um,
we took and it fell out
of the car somewhere.
You could fill out
a stolen property...
No, no, we've been searching
for it for hours,
it got dark.
It's a size nine.
Wearing two shoes now.
No, no. Right?
These are from DSW.
I like DSW.
The missing shoe
is from Marshall's.
So you just have a back-up pair in your
car in case someone lost your shoe?
No, I wasn't wearing them.
They were in my car
but they weren't on my feet.
Were in your car
but they weren't on your feet.
The left shoe
was the missing shoe.
Oh.
We have a "Lost Item Report"
that you can fill out.
That way,
if anyone returns it...
Are you kidding me?
Is there someone above you I can speak
with to help me figure this out?
I'm sorry, um,
I'm the only one here.
Do you see my husband out there?
Do you recognize him?
Ted Reynolds?
Does he eat at Andy's Deli
on Elm on Saturdays often?
Ted Reynolds, the actor.
I'm gonna have to go out there and tell
him that you didn't help me at all.
And he's gonna be very upset.
Ted Reynolds?
Well, I think
it's time for a drink.
Damn right.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
[SLOW TENSE INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]
[INSECTS BUZZING]
Oh, my gosh!
Look at that moon.
CLARA: Oh, my gosh. Wow.
I don't think I've ever seen,
seen a moon like that.
CLARA: Spectacularly beautiful.
Is it supposed to be
a full moon tonight?
Oh, honey, I don't know if the
moon is supposed to be full.
Okay, I'm gonna take him out. I
am not the boss of the moon.
Take who out? Oliver.
No, no, you're gonna stay.
Come down here.
I need to take Oliver... Come down with me.
[GASPS] Lie down
on the rug with me.
We can look at the ceiling and
pretend we're looking at stars.
Come here. Come here.
Give me some sugar.
Oh, God. Come on.
Oh, I need to take the dog out.
No, you are not taking him out.
It's not fair to him.
Ow! Ow!
I'm tender. My bones
are like chicken bones.
They're very brittle.Jesus.
Go do your duty.
[INSECTS BUZZING]
[DOG SNIFFING]
[DOG URINATING]
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
[CREAKING]
[CREAKING]
[CELL PHONE BUTTONS CLICKING]
[ TOYLANDPLAYING]
That's a good song.
CLARA: 1969, Ollie.
I was 14.
Time flies.
Whether you're having fun
or not.
[ GEORGY GIRLPLAYING]
Hey there Georgy girl
Swinging down
the street so fancy-free
Nobody you meet could ever
see the loneliness there
Inside you
Hey there Georgy girl
Why do all the boys
just pass you by?
Could it be you just don't try
Or is it the clothes you wear?
You're always window shopping
But never stopping to buy
So shed those
dowdy feathers and fly
A little bit
Hey there Georgy girl
There's another
Georgy deep inside
Bring out all the love you
Hide and oh
what a change there'd be
The world would see
A new Georgy girl
Georgy girl
Swinging down the street
so fancy-free
Nobody you meet
could ever see...
Gardner.
Gardener.
[READING]
"Gardener of family owned wine"
"from San Luis Obispo."
"We will sell no wine
before its time."
A family that wines together,
Ollie...
Ollie.
Where'd you go?
Okay.
Somebody's gotta do it.
So, it has to be me.
Get in there.
[BANGS] Shit.
Oh, hi.[PHONE BEEPS]
Hello, this is Clara,
and I should be cleaning.
I cleaned by kitchen
and it looks good.
But my office is still...
It needs work.
It's late here, but I figured with the
time difference on the West Coast,
it'd be okay.
Um, I'm-I'm-I'm...
I like your wine.
I think that you'd probably
guessed that by now.
Maybe you didn't, I don't know.
Anyway, um,
I'm looking at your website,
at the whole bunch of you,
and it just seems like
such a wonderful family,
and such a great team.
[CHANDELIERS CHIMING]
Oh.
I found and obituary for
Mary Gardener's father online,
and it said that
he passed away from cancer.
And I was just wondering
what kind, because,
it is just such horrible stuff.
[CHANDELIERS CHIMING]
I like the fruity undertones
of the wine.
And I was just wondering, is
that something that you plan for
or is it just a coincidence.
The fruity.
Anyway,
if someone could call me back
about the fruity undertones,
I would really appreciate that.
Thank you.
[CHANDELIERS CHIMING]
Clara.
[SNICKERING]
Oh, my God.
[LAUGHING]
TED: Sweetheart.
Oh, you cutie.
Magazine people
are coming at 1:00.
And the girls will be here
in about an hour.
Oh.
[SLURPING]
[IN A CHILDLIKE VOICE] Ollie.
Oh, it's your birthday,
little boy.
Come here.
Oh, honey, happy birthday.
You got a big day today.
Oh, come here. Hi.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hi. Yeah.
Ew.
JULIE: Ew. I hate her so much.
Benny used to date her,
you know.
Really? When?
Like, when I was a baby.
[SIGHS]
Sweet Sisters reunion.
Can't wait to go home.Ah.
Okay, don't post that, all right?
It's super desperate.
Just giving the people
what they want.
Oh, Benny needs to know
approximately how long your speech
is gonna be for the wedding.
Why? I haven't even
written it yet.
Well, he's just being
a good groom.
These things can drag on and on,
like Marcy
at Jay and Em's wedding.
She just would not shut up
about her fucking, like, lupas.
You know? I'm just, like,
"Shut the fuck up."
You know, I had
an epiphany recently.
I walked into this audition and there
was a waiting room full of actresses,
and I was, like, finally confident
in myself for the first time.
Like, I'm okay with how I look.
It's fine.
Well, that's not good.
[CLEARS THROAT]
So, what's this photo shoot for?
It's for, like, on airplanes?
Arrivee Magazine.
Okay, I really can't handle
going home right now.
I'm so fat and my wedding's
in nine weeks,
and mom, like,
is just in complete denial.
She should be freaking out.
PASSENGER: Oh, shit.
Hey, do you think you're
gonna do that show in Brooklyn?
They don't want me without you.
That, "Where are they now?"
show?
No. Fuck no!
RILEY: I know, but I could
really use the money.
We're working actresses.
Not fucking former child stars.
Sweet Sisters!
Pfft. Okay.
What's the point
of saying anything?
I know. Like we're poison ivy.
You have to alert everybody.
[EXHALES]
[GIGGLING]
Oh.
I don't like my smile in this.
Oh, God. This is gruesome.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
Hello.
Oh, yeah. I'll hold.
Oh, shit, I can
never return this.
Oh, boy.
[SOFTLY] Oh.
Oh, my God. My old library card.
From 1963.
Ted. Guess what I just found.
Really?
Yeah, I just wish they would have come
to this decision before rehearsals.
Yeah.
You know what, guys,
this puts me in a very
uncomfortable position.
You see, this twat producer,
who, by the way, only happens to be,
like, five years younger than me,
wants to be
my fucking son-in-law.
And here's the position
I'm in now.
I don't know how
to pay for the wedding.
Yeah, you know what?
You should have
seen this coming.
Okay? That's why I pay you
the big bucks.
The big clams casino.
Yeah.
Uh-huh. Okay. Well, fuck you.
Right. Yeah. Goodbye.
Stupid. Bastard. Fat ass.
TED: Punk. Pervert. Son-in-law.
TED: Clara.
We should get going. God dammit.
TED: We gotta leave
in 10 minutes.
What time is it?
[BELL DINGING]
Oh.
This is my cousin
Grace's new baby.
Uh, they named her Louise
after her husband's mother.
And her husband is the one
who died drunk driving.
Mmm-hmm.Wait. Wait a minute.
No, that's not right.
You know what? He may have been the
one who died from a heart attack
while he was drunk driving.
Do you believe that?
Okay.
ADELIA: [WHISPERS] Clara.
ADELIA: [WHISPERS SLOWLY] Clara.
[BELL DINGING]
Clara.
Can you see me?
Oh, gosh.
The daylight.
So happy to be out...
TED: Hi, girls. RILEY: Hey.
JULIE: Hi.
Welcome home. CLARA: Sight for sore eyes.
Thank you.
How was the train ride?
We were, like,
sitting in a fart box.
The entire train ride
was disgusting.Yeah.
Smelled like warm beans. Is it?
You're making me hungry
with that fart talk.
Yeah.[TED GIGGLING]
Dad, you're so thin.
Oh, I am not. I'm fat.
I gotta lose, like, 25 pounds.
Uh, I need help with laundry,
when you have a chance. CLARA: Okay.
And then, I also
need help with a bill. I just...
"Help with a bill"?
What? Do you need someone
to read it to you?
[TED GIGGLING]RILEY: Funny, funny.
TED: Girls, we have time
for a couple of drinks
before Arrivee Magazine.
Arrivee Magazine. JULIE: Ugh!
I'm not even on the cover.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
ALL: Cheers!
To Ollie's birthday.
Ollie's birthday,
and welcome home.
Wow.
Yes-sir-e.
Those will knock your ass
right over your head.
Dad's been painting, girls.
BOTH: Cool.
It's really shit. It's like...
Sorry. Hey.
Can I, can I get a picture
with the three of you?
Sure. Yeah. Sweet sisters.
[RHYTHMICALLY] And the father.
Ted Reynolds.
Oh, man. It's just, like,
such a wacky, wacky world.
Ted.
How you been man?
Yeah, been around.
Uh, hey, you know, jeez louise,
my son was obsessed
with you two.
Oh.Oh, that's so sweet.
I mean, you know,
I'd give him hell about it.
Here, I'll take it.
Oh.CLARA: You sit down.
Oh, awesome.
Okay, so you're gonna sit
right there?
No, you're gonna come
right back here.
Okay.
Two thumbs up.Yep.
That's good.Okay.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
One with Julie.
The star
[LAUGHING]
TED: Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, I got it. I got it.
Good.Un-real.
Yeah.Thanks.
Ugh.Ugh.
Oh, my God. Ew!
Did you get a little bit
of him on you?
Yeah, I got a lot of him on me.
TED: Enjoy that, honey.
You guys wanna eat anything?
I'm cleansing.
Maybe, just an order
of fried shrimp.
Mm-hmm. And some quesadilla,
and, I don't know, maybe a cob
salad for the table would be good.
That's all. I mean, I think we
should just eat appetizer, girls,
'cause I'm gonna order
Chinese food.
We should all be eating
eggplant at every meal.
They say it literally
melts cancer cells.
TED: Well, that sounds yummy,
but I'm not gonna go
for the eggplant right now.
I think that will be it.
Thank you so much.Yeah.
Thank you, great.
I like this waitress.
And when a waitress
from 1975 can say,
"A waitress nowadays is good,"
she's good.
Well, any waitress in Connecticut
has it better than you did.
Yeah, you were working in, like,
seedy shit holes in Midtown,
where dudes went
to cheat on their wives.
Serving shitty steak
in a leotard.
That's so fucked up.
Your boss was like, "Clara, come over here,
you missed a spot right on my mouth."
Come on, give me a kiss."
So, I really want Megan
to be a bridesmaid,
but, like, she's gained
a lot of weight.
I need to write an email with everyone's
goal weight on it and send it out.
JULIE: What the... Hey.
RILEY: Hey, come back here.
You stole my wallet.
TED: It's her bladder, kids.
It's shot.
We're old. We're falling apart.
Just go ahead and
shoot me in the face.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Excuse me.
Not nice to stare.
ADELIA: [WHISPERS] Clara.
WOMAN: Girls, are you
washing your hands?
RILEY: Do you wash your hair
before auditions?
JULIE: Yeah, sometimes.
I just feel like
it's really important.
TED: Don't know what to tell you
sweetie, it's a shitty business.
Well, that's what it is.
Oh, you know what? I keep
seeing that friend of yours
on this detergent commercial.
She's actually very funny.
Yeah. Mara? My old roommate?
Yeah, we were never friends.
I hate her. She's a huge cunt.
Ah, okay, well,
she's a huge funny cunt.
Hey, you didn't notice my lips.
Did you get 'em pumped
or whatever?
TED: They look pumped. JULIE: Yeah.
Just checking...
[SCREAMS]
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I was just... That was scary.
Just, just checking that
you wanted the C-Cobb as well.
Yeah, we...
Now more than ever.
The Cobb, please.
JULIE: Jesus.Sorry.
I think there's a Cobb salad
in my underpants.
My IUD dropped out, I think.
TED: I think it's in me now.
[SQUEAKY VOICE] Did everyone see the flowers
I posted on Pinterest for the wedding?
Oh, I'm sorry, Julie,
I just haven't had time.
You know, I saw something that I think would
be perfect for your wedding this morning.
Honey, show 'em
the picture of what I saw.
Uh, yeah.
Look at that.
Oh, my God.Ew.
That was in our backyard
and it's for free.
TED: And I think it
will look great on the cake.
Coyotes have been
awful this year.
Every other week we hear
about a dog being killed.
And did I tell you guys
about the little girl
who was stalked on the
way home from school.
I just ordered pot.
From who? Poo-poo?
You know it. 'Cause he got
the good shit.
I'm so proud of my kids.
[INHALING]
What should we bake
for the birthday boy this year?
Oh, I don't think
we need to make anything.
We just ate and
we're gonna have Chinese,
and I just cleaned
the kitchen last night.
JULIE: Relax, we'll clean it up.
RILEY: Yeah, it's tradition.
CLARA: I thought you wanted
to cleanse, Julie.
JULIE: Jeez, okay,
I think I look good.
Okay. Home sweet home.
Oh, my goodness. There he is.
TED: There's the guy.
Hi, Ollie.
Hi, baby.
RILEY: Oh, he has
a little red rocket.
Aw, you can't get boners
for your sisters, Ollie.
I found brownie mix.
Ooh.
Ooh, yummy.
Hey, sweetheart, we're home.
Why don't you take your
coat off and stay awhile.
So, uh, for the wedding,
we're gonna let the elderly people
come in and use the private bathroom.
Where are the
porta-potties gonna go?
Behind the garage.
They're gonna be nice though. We're
splurging on the presidential trailers.
RILEY: Hmm.
JULIE: I mean that's, like, an
important thing to spend money on.
RILEY: Yeah. JULIE: Yeah, it's like if
someone takes a shit,
then like, they'll be fully
stocked because of the attendant.
RILEY: Yeah, you don't want anyone
walking out of there like this.
Ugh, come on. Yeah, you do.
TED: Julie, um, has Benny
said how the show's going?
JULIE: Um, I think
he's having fun.
He thinks your great. TED: Wow.
That's nice.
ADELIA: [ WHISPERS] Let me in.
Ted.
TED: I, uh, was fired
from Benny's show, Julie.
What? It's okay.
TED: I'm fine. Thank you though.
Yeah, up until a week ago,
they were sending flowers,
and then he just
got the call today.
Yeah, I guess they wanted to go a
different direction with the character.
Do you know anything about that?
Well, yeah, but Ben said he was
gonna call you personally.
Mmm-hmm, he didn't.
But, that's okay, I mean,
I don't need a pep talk.
RILEY: What happened?
Well, I guess they wanted
a Ted Reynolds type,
but they didn't
actually want Ted Reynolds.
Well, it wasn't Ben.
He was championing you.
Yeah, you know, sweetheart, I have a
hard time trusting the old son-in-law.
And by old, I do mean, old.
That is so fucked up, Dad.
Do not give me shit
about his age.
Riley just had sex
with a 60-year-old
and no one's saying anything
about that.
Don't announce that
to Mom and Dad.
Well, you did.
He was not 60 then.
And it was a blowjob, not sex.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Who did they give it too?
I don't know. Some swollen dick,
I don't know his name.
Matt Byrne, wasn't it?
I can Google it.
Oh, sweetheart, that's really sweet of
you, but no, we don't need to Google it.
Yeah, fuck them.
RILEY: God.
I don't mean your fiancee,
just the powers that be.
'Kay.
Come on, let's not fight.
You know, come to
think of it, sweetheart,
I would have liked a phone call,
that would have been nice.
Mom literally just said,
"Let's not fight."
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, I bet that's my shoe.
Nope, that's definitely my pot.
Okay, well, I gotta go wipe my fanny
before these magazine people show up.
He is so insane.
If he didn't act like
a complete psychopath
and make insane demands
to the director.
He wanted to be
in every other scene.
And he did the, "Twat, twat,
I can't hear you" joke
to her while she was trying
to give him direction.
Then he did the "Eskimo Pussy"
bit on top of that.
Julie, just for the sake of
tonight, can we forget about this?
It wasn't even a big role.
It was a potential reoccurring.
Ugh! God.
Oh, Mom, thank you
for meeting with the tent guy.
What are you talking about?
Mom. The tent guy?
I told you a month ago,
you needed to schedule a time to
meet with him before he left town.
I don't remember
having this conversation.
Oh, my God, Mom.
They needed to see the yard.
I-I don't... No one gives a shit
about this wedding, but me?
I guess I just have to
suck it up and do it alone.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
It's Poo-poo. Poo-poo's here.
Oh, nobody
calls me that anymore.
Mom, apparently you know
of my drug dealer.
Mom, are you okay?
Mom? Oh, hi, Joe.
Hey. How you doing,
Ms. Reynolds. Oh, Joe.
Oh. Joe did our
landscaping all summer.
Are you crying? No, no, no, I'm fine.
I don't know
what I've been told
Eskimo pussy is mighty cold
There he is. How you doing,
you old bush wacker?
Oh, I'm good. You're okay? Yeah.
You shouldn't sing that
in front of guests.
Hey, I've heard it before. I, uh,
looking for my next big job.
Oh yeah? Mr. Montalto has me cleaning out
his storage space in Deep River.
How many bodies
have you found so far?
You know what's crazy though,
he has two pitching machines.
Who would need two? I don't know.
Who would need two?
So, uh,
do you know we had
AP English together?
Ooh, I didn't know that.
Yeah, studying. Me in high school.
Dark, dark times.Yeah.
No, we don't talk about that. That was
really like, "Dear diary, I don't know..."
Yeah, it was hysterical,
I wanted to die.
You and me, both, sweetie.
Joe, what do you want to drink?
Oh, I'm fine.
Thank you, I'm good. Oh, come on.
Have a little something
to wet your whistle, huh?
And you're gonna have
dinner with us too, pal.
Huh, I like Moscow Mules.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
JOE: Sorry. RILEY: Let's smoke this.
How about that.
Okay, off you go.
Have fun kids. RILEY:
Julie, Poo-poo's here.
No poking at fannies.
Oh, Ollie, come here.
[IN A CHILID-LIKE VOICE]
Oh, sweetheart, oh, honey, baby.
Give me a kiss.
I've been seeing
this woman around.
Uh, around Old Lyme?
Yeah. She seems to go
wherever I go.
Well, you should say hi to her.
Maybe you guys could be friends.
I think hat would be
weird at this point.
Mmm, she might think
the same thing.
Mmm, oh Jesus.
There are those assholes
from Arrivee Magazine.
They can all suck my red rocket.
TED: Hey, James.
How are you, sir? How are you?
Come here, come here. Thank you very much.
Okay, focus, focus.
Ooh, my face is really hot.
I don't like powder.
They look great.
The house looks really great.
More family. Like a family.
This is where I play,
"How do I kill myself?"
Because I can't
get out of this room.
Good. Something like this, James?
[LAUGHING]
That's a suicide joke.
This is a really
strange position for me.
[MOANING]
[LAUGHING]
Oh, it's beautiful.
Isn't that just the essence.Yes.
So, when I say family,
what does it mean to you?
Family.
Ooh.
[JULIE CLEAR THROAT]Any of you can answer.
Hey, Joe.Yeah.
When you ordered
the Chinese food,
did you get two orders
of sesame chicken?
Uh... We need two orders
of sesame chicken.
I'll go call 'em back. Thank you.
RILEY: Run like the wind.
TED: I'll jump in.
Gotta get this shit over with.
TED: Um, family means
everything to me.
It really is...
It's my whole life, I mean,
my family is my life.
It's really the whipped cream
on the banana split of life.
And um...
You know, the girls and I, we've
been through some rough times,
but we know,
we'll get through them together
and we'll always be a family.
Oh, that's beautiful. Wait. Ooh!
Excellent. Got it.
Clara.
Clara, I can see you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Mmm, it's okay, Mom, don't worry.
We can photoshop her out.
TED: Great. And that's a wrap.
JAMES: But before we stop,
I have a little side project
we can bring you into.
[SIGHS] Christ.
Because I have, well,
it's very exciting news,
I have a book.
We'll put it up
on the shelf there.
It's a very
exciting time for me.
Congrats. That's awesome.
Yeah, that's great.
The book is comprised of photos of people,
the families, in their home, but hiding.
So, they're there
but they're not there.
It's a play on mise en scene.
Okay. Well, good luck with that.
So, you'll do it. Huh?
You'll do it. So maybe, why don't
you go behind the curtain.
The curtain. Yes, please.
I go behind the curtain.
And you pretty girl, you can
go behind that love seat.
And you, other girl, you can go
behind that love seat.
These are chairs. JAMES: Quick, quick.
TED: James, is this where
you want me?
Mmm, I could see your foot.
TED: Okay. We have integrity here.
We must maintain the integrity.
Mmm.
JAMES: Focus. Focus.
And, one, two...
Let me in. Please.
You can see me.
ADELIA: Please.
Please, let me in. Please.
Please. Please.
[SOFTLY] Please,
please let me in.
JAMES: And this is the last one.
Beautiful. TED: Great. Right,
that's a wrap.
JAMES: Beautiful. JULIE: Thank you, James.
You're so good.
JAMES: Aww, you're so good.
TED: Okay, terrific.
Thanks so much.
The exits right out there.
TED: Now, I think when
you're done with the book,
maybe you could uh, you know, come back
up and we could do a personal shoot.
Sure, sure. If you write a book,
I'd love to do your author pose.
TED: Well, that's something
we could do also.
Um, I wouldn't mind that.
Tell me man, how do you live and
work out here at the same time?
I mean, I would go nuts.
Ahh, that's the trick.
TED: You don't work.
Do you gold? Sail?
No, I drink.
Hey, hey, real quick.
Do you think we could get
a quick photo of Ted and me?
I have so many pictures,
it's stuck on my phone.
Millions. And I never see them.
It would be so nice to have
a real photo of the two of us.
Uh, we just packed up.
How do you print out a photo
from your phone?
I just have no idea.
It's so crazy.
Honey, they're trying to beat
traffic back to the city.
This isn't the best time
to do that.
Just one photo, one photo.
It's be quick. It's be quick.
I promise.
Um, I'm sorry.
Mmm. Mmm. I'm sorry.
Yeah. "Mmm," I know
what that means, okay.
Here. What?
Pinch my neck. Pinch your neck.
There's... No, no, no, no, no, like this.
Like this.
What are you talking about?
Just, just do it.
Pinch your neck. Pinch my neck.
Oh. Oh, yeah. Okay.
That's better.Anytime.
Okay. Got it?
Thank you. Thank you so much. It's great.
Clara, that guy
just wanted to leave.
You know,
it's really embarrassing
when you harass people
at the last minute.
Why didn't you
say something sooner?
He likes taking pictures.
It's what he does for a living.
Yes, it's what he does
for a living.
He doesn't like
doing it for free.
Just read the room a little,
okay?
Where's the fire, Ted?
I wanted one God damn picture.
You didn't ask me to be
in one of those photos.
Because you don't like
getting your picture taken.
Maybe I do sometimes.
You just never ask.
Oh, okay. All right. Poor Clara.
Boohoo.
Ugh!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Saturday Sunday are the best
You don't have
to study for a test
You can just be you...
I want my new nose to come out
like my nose here.
You know, the bridge is like...
It's just sexy.
I think it's sad.
You know, we were, like, babies.
We were objectifying ourselves.
Fucking entertaining America
since before we had pubes.
And I got pubes early, Joe.
I'm talking a huge bush by the
time I was seven years old.
People would come from all over
the world to see this thing.
Damn, right on.
Yeah, every working actor has to
objectify themselves, believe it or not.
I just don't believe
in doing that.
Maybe you should.
Must be a lot of pressure.
So, Joe, give us
the shoreline goss?
What's the darkest shit
that's been going down?
Um, well, do you
remember Scott Worsen?
The biggest shithead
in the world.
Yeah. I don't remember him.
Sweet Tits Sisters.
Sweet Tits Sisters.
He would call us
Sweet Tits Sisters.
Oh, yeah, he had the picture of the girl
with a coke can up her ass in his locker.
Yeah.Yeah.
He died in a boating accident.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
[LAUGHING] That was not what
I thought you were gonna say.
That's terrible.
That's sad.
Sorry, didn't mean
to bring the vibe down.
You didn't. [LAUGHS]
TED: Shalom.
Mmm.
Lovely.
I really don't have to stay.
Are you kidding?
It wouldn't be the same.
Come on, Joe.
Yeah.
You're like the
salt of the Earth,
just so humble, so Connecticut.
So genuine,
so fragile New England.
Joe, what's your mom like?
Did I get enough food?
[ALL: TOGETHER] Yes.
She, um, she worked
in the office at middle school.
But, now she's a bartender
at Rocky's.
Oh, I've done that.
Our mom was a Playboy Bunny
at the Playboy club in New York.
Not my proudest achievement.
Back when you were dating Vince
Granito, the sensitive poet.
I shall never give up me poetry.
He was a poet?
Very nice man.
We dated a year, tops.
Because he was gay.
CLARA: No, he was not.
Honey, he was totally out of the closet
when I met him at Shelia's party.
No, he wasn't. He was just nice.
We dated about a year
and it faded out.
And I have no regrets.
We're still friends.
Oh, God, please tell me he's not
sending you poetry on Facebook.
No, we're just friends on there.
He doesn't post a lot
and he's put on a lot of weight.
Riley, what happened
to that part you're up for?
Oh.
Oh, I, uh...
Well, I didn't get it.
I don't know what part
you're talking about, dad.
Um...
I did get a meeting
at a production office.
Mmm. Um, but it was because
they thought I was Julie.
What? Are you kidding me?
RILEY: Yeah, it was ridiculous.
It was this modern office downtown with
these, like, 20-year-old producers.
Oh yeah, I know that place. That's
Mommy and Daddy Productions.
They can suck my dick.
Ow! Ow, ow, ow.
Oh God. Oh, wow!
What happened?
Broken nail.
Oh, your pinky nail?
Your coke nail?
My mom really enjoyed cocaine.
This woman, in her day,
she was a snow plough.
It was advertised as a
healthy alternative to alcohol.
Uh, I'm sorry sweetie, I don't
remember cocaine advertisements.
Weddings, funerals, you name the
place, the woman had coke on her face.
TED: Yeah, she had
a little vial around her neck
that she was always...
RILEY: A drawer full of it.
[LAUGHING]
JULIE: She used it as
baby powder when I was a baby.
They're all making fun of you.
Stop making fun of me!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
TED: Okay.
Jesus Christ, honey,
we were just joking.
JULIE: Has that guy, Plotkin,
emailed you about the script?
Yeah, he did.
I haven't opened it yet.
What is it?
It's like this series about a
father and daughter in Hollywood.
You should be in it too.
RILEY: People don't even know
I'm still trying to work.
JULIE: Hey, Benny looks out
for you all the time.
I appreciate
all that Benny does,
but when you put out an article out when
you're 15 about how you're never acting again
I guess people remember that.
I knew that was a bad idea
when you did that.
I hated that.
Well, it was clearly
a cry for help, Dad.
Well, okay.
Ugh. Those were the dark ages.
We literally weren't allowed
to go through puberty.
Oh, come on.
Always down playing.
The sound guy on Sweet Sisters used
to tape our tits with an ace bandage
to hide out little bumps.
Okay, I believe you. So, what do
you want me to do about it now?
Well, don't run off
to Studio City.
Oh, okay.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Dear Ollie
Happy birthday
To
You
Many more
Oh, you did it.
Who wants brownies? I'm
actually so full right now.
I can't even
think about brownies.
Joe, do you like watermelon?
Yeah. I have a new way of cutting it.
I saw a video. Wanna see?
Yeah, okay.
Hey, Dad, you know,
Jinky's in Studio City
is by far the best breakfast.
You gotta go there. The omelets
are the size of your ass.
What a lame place to run off too
to start a new life.
I wanna live
near Universal Studios
and ride the rides.
[MARTHA STEWART IMPRESSION] First, you pierce
the skin of the melon with your knife.
Then you cut horizontally
and vertically.
And then you, ever so gently,
scoop the flesh of the melon
into your wonderful bowl.
These mixing bowls
are just spectacular.
My friend in Westport
makes them.
[LAUGHING] Good job.
I didn't know
you did impressions. I'm not that great.
Let's try this out. Yeah.
Mmm.
Hey, I saw you had a book loaned to you
by the historical society upstairs.
Oh, that means my girls
let you in my office?
Ugh, so embarrassed.
Oh, I don't care.
I'm kinda a pack rat myself.
Ah, this is kinda embarrassing.
Oh, no, don't be embarrassed.
I have so many mugs
under my bed.
You know, the ones that
kinda meant something to me.
Like, my grandpa always used to use this
one that just said, "Not today" on it.
And, I just kinda
like that shit.
Sorry, crap. I like mugs, they're fun.
Anyway, my dad is actually a
member of the Historical Society
so I could take that book
off your hands, if you want.
I think it's a couple
of months past due.
Joe, do you know anything about the
woman who lived in this house?
Oh, the Captain's daughter.
Uh, Adelia.
Yeah. She was the crazy one, right?
Crazy, how?
TED: What is going on in here?
Oh, I was just showing Joe
my watermelon trick.
TED: Oh, that's so neat.
Did you feed Ollie? I was just about to.
Okay. Joseph, why don't you
join me in the ballroom,
you can watch me switch from
vodka to scotch. Come on.
I'm gonna go hang out
in the ballroom.
Thank you.
[ MACARTHUR PARKPLAYING]
There will be
another song for me
For I will sing it
There will be
another dream for me
Someone will bring it
I will drink the wine
while it is warm
And never let you catch me
looking at the sun
And after all
the loves of my life
[WAILING]
After all the loves of my life
You'll still be the one
Ah, ah, not today.
I will take my life
into my hands
And I will use it
I will win the worship
in their eyes
And I will lose it...
Oh, Oliver, you are
gonna live forever, buddy.
[GASPS]
No.
Oh, God, what?
[STRAINING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
What? Adelia, what do you,
what do you want?
...MacArthur's Park
is melting in the dark
All the sweet green
icing flowing down
Someone left
the cake out in the rain...
Thank you.
...I don't think
that I can take it
'Cause it took
so long to bake it
And I'll never have
that recipe again
Oh no
Oh no
No
Oh no
[OLIVER WHINING]
Joe, what do you think
of that comedian, Matt Byrne?
JULIE: Oh God, Dad, why?
I think he's super funny. Mmm,
yeah, I figured you would.
He's really dry, uh, TED: Uh-huh.
He does great voices.
I saw a special about a month ago,
but I've been a fan since 2013.
Oh, wow, jeez, the guy's been in
the business a long time, I guess.
Yeah, he has this, uh, this bit,
where he's playing fish in a fish
tank, like, judging the people.
And he's like this.
There's two fish, and he's like,
"Look at this guy, he's making us watch
him eat a Pokeball. That's just wrong.
Well, what's a Pokeball?"
And the Angel fish
is the most dramatic fish.
So, he's like, "I don't know
what a Pokeball is",
"but I do know that's
the flesh of our kind."
Ah, he goes, "Well, were..."
Dammit. "We're no better
than him though, man."
"'Cause we're
literally cannibals."
"Because we ate Bob when floated down to
the bottom the other day, remember that?"
"No offense to bottom feeders."
The bottom feeders like, "Whatever, man.
I'd rather eat shit than a Pokeball."
He does it better than me.
I don't, I don't know
how to do the voices.
[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]
Now I get it. No, that one,
that one has to kinda sink in.
[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Joe, do you dance?
I... No, no. Come on.
Come on. You know how to.
[MUSIC STOPS]
TED: Wow.
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
Okay, honey, no. Stop.
No. No, come on.
Why do you look so mean
when you dance?
I never understood
that.[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]
That's not funny.[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.
TED: What the hell?
[INDISTINCT]
Okay.
CLARA: Joe, sit down... Okay.
Let's read ghost stories.
This house is really old.
It's like, 1862?
How in the shit
did you know that?
Built by Captain Chadwick,
the renowned sea captain.
The Captain, for his daughter.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Adelia.
JOE: Yep.
I actually know an Adelia
in my acting class.
She is a huge cunt.
I don't know, there's not
a whole lot on record,
but, like, there was
a thing about...
She walked through
the town naked.
That's what
Demi Moore's daughter did.
JULIE: She was protesting Instagram
censoring nipples, I think?
What happened to her?
I think I still follow her,
I'm not sure.
She's cool She's, like,
an artist.
Yeah, she's really indie.
They sent her to
a mental institution, but,
after that, nobody really knows.
The Captain built this whole house for her
and she never even really lived here.
But then, the Captain
went to the woods,
where she used to walk,
and he killed himself.
It's so funny how people were killing
themselves back then too, you know.
You know, you shouldn't be
in an acting class.
You should just be
out there auditioning.
That's how you learn to act.
I auditioned at Leon Silberman's
house the other day.
What? RILEY: Wow.
Well, when was, what happened?
What... How did it go?
Um, yeah, just happened,
so I don't wanna jinx anything.
Well, what did you do
for the audition?
Uh, just this monologue.
TED: Yeah, about what?
I don't know.
I didn't get the full script.
Oh, well, honey, that's no
reason not to know the material.
Did you tell him
that you're my daughter?
No, of course not.
Well, why not?
Because, I know he knows.
Yeah, it's an awkward thing to say
sometimes, just out of nowhere.
Yeah, I'm not talking to you.
Okay, just, fuck off.
Hey, let's just have fun.
Joe and I wanna have fun, right?
TED: Honey, I'm just excited
for you, that's all.
I would love to hear
the monologue.
Hey, let's do
a seance for Adelia.
Hey.
Look, she's balancing
the glass on my head.
I'm excited too, Julie.
It reminds me of when
I auditioned for Robert Frances.
He's not super famous,
but it was a really cool thing.
Okay, sweetheart, it really doesn't count
if you were naked when you auditioned.
[DRUMS BEATING]
[FIREWOOD CRACKLING]
RILEY: 'Cause of our childhood, I feel
like I have this warped idea of adulthood.
And I've realized that
just because you ride old dick,
doesn't make you any older.
You know.
I dated a senior when
I was a freshman at UCONN.
Are you an Aries?
Nope.
Libra? No.
The Year of the Dragon.
The best one.
Julie. I really wanna
hear this monologue.
I really do.
Why? Because.
Because I'm a proud dad.
Come on, get up here. Come on.
We support you, Julie.
Up you go,
you got lots of support.
Loving family here watching you.
Let's see what you got.
Where's my eye line?
Your eye line
is right out there.
That's where your audience is.
Sheesh.
Thought I had
taught you how to act.
TED: There you go.[JULIE CLEARS THROAT]
I didn't come here because
I thought I was better
than anyone else... Let me know when
you're gonna start.
She was doing it. All right.
I didn't come here
because I thought I was
better than anyone else.
I came here because
I thought I loved you.
That night.
I felt like I was
going to pass out
from frustration and pleasure
at the same time.
I know I'm not safe with you.
I know you don't look at me
and I don't want you to.
I need a change.
Get out of Manhattan.
Get out of here.
Or I could stay
depending on you.
You.
It's all on you!
God.
If you could just forgive
the shit that I put you through.
But here's the thing.
I do see things.
I do.
Signs.
That's it.
That's it?
No, it's not the whole thing.
It's just the monologue
that I auditioned with.
Oh.
Well, jeez that was worth it.
Well, it's not,
it's not you, honey,
that was great.
It's, it's really his writing.
Joe, would you rather marry me
but I'm really mean to you,
but a great lay,
or Cindy Crawford
but, you can only see her
on your wedding day.
It's like a
twilight zone episode.
You're married to a supermodel
you can't even see.
Hmm.
I just kinda feel like the
guy's writing has gone soft.
I think he's gone soft.
You know, I mean,
of course he's still brilliant.
Uh, you know, I'm never
gonna say he's not brilliant.
But it's not like the old stuff.
And I'm not the
only one that says that.
TED: Who's distributing
this thing?
I think its for online
like an online network.
Oh, my God, I can't believe
he's pandering to internet shit.
Come on.
Yeah, okay, let's just stop fucking
talking about it, all right?
You're jealous and
it's completely transparent.
There's no fucking
telling you anything.
Who's Cindy Crawford? I'm jealous?
How is that possible?
I am your father.
Fathers aren't jealous
of their kids.
Okay, only our entire lives.
Okay, fine, here we go.
We got the show and you didn't.
Since we got one fucking stupid
job, you wouldn't forget it.
Riley wrote the book about it.
Riley wrote an e-book about it.
That's hurtful.
I say we sober up, hmm.
[ALL: TOGETHER] 31, 32, 33.
[ALL CHEERING]
JOE: Yeah! It burns.
It burns. It burns. It burns.
She's a priest.
Your mother's in here, Clarice, would
you like to leave her a message?
I'll make sure she gets it. What
a lovey day for an exorcism.
Okay, it's my turn.
It's my turn.
All right, yeah, you got this.
It's my turn. All right. Okay.
Present to the judges.
If you would, deep breath.
This is for you, Benny.
Benny. Benny can take gas.
[ALL: TOGETHER] One, two, three,
four...
ALL: Aww.
Oh, no. That is so cold.
You got it. TED: It's supposed
to be cold, honey.
Clara you're next. Let's go.
TED: Actually, you know what,
honey, I'm gonna go. I'm going.
You know what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna do it,
and then we're
gonna see Joe do it,
and see if he can beat my time.
And if you can,
500 bucks for you.
500 dollars?
All right, shit, let's do it.
JULIE: He's so excited.
TED: Okay, here we go.
ALL: [TOGETHER] Oh, one,
two, three...
Dad, your butt crack's out.
I don't know
where I'm I right now?
Oh.RILEY: Oh!
Five, four, three, and he's in.
[TOGETHER] One, two, three,
four, five...
Okay, that's good.
You're doing it.
Hold on there, pal.
Nope. Get back in there.
Just think of a Matt Byrne joke.
You can do more than that.
RILEY: Focus. TED: Come on.
Dad, you should let him up.
He's drowning.
Hey, he's fine. Relax.
He's good.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Didn't really go very well,
did it?
That's okay.
We'll take a little breather,
and we'll try it
again a little later.
Yeah, we'll do it later. Seance time.
Seance? Seance.
Seance time. That's right.
I think I gotta go home soon.
Oh, shut the fuck up.
We're gonna fill our glasses and
we're gonna have ourselves a seance.
[SING-SONG MANNER] We're gonna have a
seance. We're gonna have a seance.
Seance. Seance. Seance.
They say if you stare
at a flame for too long,
you'll go crazy
and start seeing fire...
[WHISPERS] ...where there's
no fire.
Joe, I wanna read your palm.
Oh.
CLARA: Okay.
So, this here is your heart line
and it runs horizontally.
And this line here
is your head line,
it runs across your palm.
That's about your state of mind.
And then this one
is your life line.
It's not about
how long you live.
Like, a lot of people think
it's about how you live.
Your vitality, your prosperity,
and your strength.
Okay, uh, Clara,
just to give you
a little update,
they do have a shoe in custody
down at the police station.
Uh, they have it in the tank, they're
gonna interrogate it for a little while.
TED: But they may ask you to come
down and take a look at a line-up.
I feel like Benny wants me
to look like this.
What's... Is that
his ex-girlfriend look like...
I want my shoe.
Yeah, well honey, I want that part in
the show that Benny fired me from,
but sometimes the things we want just
kinda walk away from us, don't they?
Seance time.
I'm not down here complaining
about how I wasn't even cast
in the series you two
are apparently doing.
Hey, you know, sweetheart,
the problem with you,
is that you're trying to be
a Jack of all trades right now,
which I think is wonderful,
but, you know, when people
want you for something,
they don't think of you in that
particular way, you know what I mean?
Okay, privileged white man.
Oh, shit! I like to think of my brand
as having more to offer
than just one thing.
All right. I'm just telling you
this because I love you, sweetie.
You and Julie don't get it.
All you care about is money and
offers and how they treating you.
You don't care about process, it's not
art to you like it is for me, okay?
Uh, what about that fucking kickstarter
I donated 5,000 dollars to?
What happened to that?
TED: I, uh, donated twice that.
RILEY: Again, process.
[LAUGHING]Okay, well, let's not argue,
all right?
Yeah, I wouldn't want you to run
to Studio City for three years,
renting a weird porn house.
Okay, I guess Dad's a very,
very bad man.
Riley, that kickstarter...
Come on. What the hell was that?
Like, for you to take a trip
so you can get an idea
to be inspired?
It's so entitled.
I'm sorry, but,
it's gross.
Well, why don't we all clasp
our hands together, shall we?
TED: Clara, your hand, please.
[IN VICTORIAN ACCENT]
Let us close thine eyes
for we are about to make contact
with Amelia.
Adelia.Adelia.
Joe, show me how
you make a Moscow Mule?
Oh, perfect, yes, Joe.
Do make my wife another drink. That's
exactly what she needs, I think.
All right. TED: Moscow Mule, Joe.
Joe and the Moscow Mules
Take it away Joey
What are you doing,
Ms. Reynolds?
You take it away now Joey...
They're better in copper mugs,
but, here you go.
Joe, I'm not that picky.
You know that about me by now.
Mmm.
Do you want anything to eat?
They made brownies in the kitchen
and they didn't eat them.
Hey, why'd you
lock 'em in the basement?
Is that some kind of
family inside joke?
Hello?
Jesus, God!
These taste like shit.
Riley cannot make brownies.
Taste. I don't know if she
used rotten eggs, or bad oil.
I don't really know
how they could be helped.
You know.
[WHISPERS] I worry
about that kid.
She's just...
She just doesn't seem to...
Oh. You okay? Here, use this
as your barf bag. I'm sorry.
[REGURGITATES] Sorry.
[REGURGITATES]
Hmm.
If there's someone here with us,
please make a noise.
Any noise will do.
Any noise you like, sugar tits.
[BURPS]
That's so tight, you can see
her pussy from behind.
Remember the Mel Gibson tape?
Doh! No! That's a quote from
What Women Want.
Oh! Please, come on.
Let's take this seriously.
We're doing a seance down here.
Now, come on.
You want to be very quiet now.
Let's see if the spirits
will make a noise for us.
[MAKES A FLATULENCE SOUND]
What? Oh, God!
Did you hear that?
Something's with us.
This sucks.
Do you wanna try out my "At home"
laser kit that Benny got me?
I guess so.
Well,
I'll tell you this much.
I'd love to have some of them
brownies right about now.
It's stuck.
Okay.
[IN DRACULA VOICE] Ooh, maybe the spirits
in this room don't want us to get out.
The door is stuck.
No, it's not.
Shit.
It feels like it's latched
from the other side.
How the fuck did that happen?
Which one of you brainiacs
did that?
TED: [MUFFLED] Clara!
Clara!
[ GEORGY GIRLPLAYING
AT A LOWER TEMPO]
Woah! Ah!
[WHISPERING] I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Joe.
I was excited. I'll calm down.
Joe, here.
[CHANDELIERS CHIMING]Oh, Joe.
Look at that.
Do you see that, Joe?
Do you see that?
I think I should go.
Oh, Joe. Sweet Joe.
Help me find my shoe.
I'm sorry, Ms. Reynolds.
Help me let them out then.
That latch does stick.
Okay, but then I wanna go home.Okay.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
Hey. I got an idea.
Why don't we think
of a funny Matt Byrne bit.
Hey, do you guys
remember the one
where he accidentally puts
his girlfriend's underpants on?
And then he goes to a park.
And then, he's in
the men's room,
and his boss sydelles up next to him
and he sees the girl's underpants.
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
No, maybe, you wouldn't
have been fired
if you hadn't told the director the only
reason she was hired was 'cause she's a woman.
I never said "woman."
I called her a little girl.
She was, like, 25 years old.
Is that why Benny said
I was fired?
In case we need it for the door.
You have to respect women
in this business and children.
Especially when
they're your own children.
Oh! Lord!
A pox your throat.
You bowling, blasphemous,
infamous fool.
No more rent money
for you this month, Missy.
Maybe you gonna have to go out and
work for a living for a change.
That's really tragic
considering your age,
I mean, you're almost 30.
You shouldn't be
out there working,
you should be swinging with the
other children on the play set.
Stupid baby.
Oh, just shut up!
Who said that?
What are you doing?
Mrs. Reynolds, what are you...
Hey!
No.
No.
What are you doing?
What is going on?
I didn't mean to.
Joe, don't open the door.
It's safer that way. Go home.
I-I won't tell anyone.
I just wanna go to bed.
I'm sorry, I just thought
I'd make a little cash.
I didn't know
it would be like this.
I'd really...
I do like you, Clara.
I think you deserve
love and respect.
Are you all okay in there?
Clara?
Clara, the door's locked.
TED: Could you help us out here,
please sweetie?
I'm worried.
I let someone in the house.
Unlock the fucking door, Mom.
You're being a bitch.
No, no, listen to me.
She's inside me.
And,
she's sick.
She's not well.
JULIE: What? TED: Okay,
very funny. You and Joe
smoked a little wacky weed.
That's fine. I'm not mad.
Just open the door.
I'll get help. TED: Okay.
I'll get help.
TED: Help to undo the door.
Okay, thanks sweetie.
Um, do me a favor,
don't get Mr. Montalto.
Can't deal with
that prick right now.
Okay, well...
I didn't wanna ruin this door
but looks like I have no choice.
It's okay, girls. Yeah.
You can just stay where you are.
Don't worry.
I got this.
[TED SCREAMING]
Ow! Oh!
You're welcome, girls.
You're welcome.
RILEY: Mom!
What the fuck.
Where is she?
Hello? Mom.
Ugh!
Oh, my God!
My wedding is in nice weeks.
TED: Sometimes that shark,
he looks right at ya.
Right in your eyes.
The thing about a shark's eyes,
is the lifeless eyes.
Black, doll's eyes.
I think I just saw a coyote.
TED: And then he comes at you.
Doesn't even seem to be living.
Till he bites you.
TED: Oh, and then
those black eyes...
Mom hasn't done shit
to clean up her office.
Benny's gonna be so mad at me.
Why are we out here? We needed air.
The ocean turns red.
You hear that horrible,
high-pitched screaming...
Do you remember that
Daddy Yankee song Gasolina
that we loved so much
in high school?
Yeah.
Benny doesn't even remember it.
'Cause he was 40
when it came out.
It's okay.
It's not the best song.
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
[CREAKING]
RILEY: Probably up there,
burrowing in her receipts.
Julie, will you please do
that show in Brooklyn with me?
I know it's embarrassing,
but it could be really fun,
and I could really use
the money right now, honestly.
Riley,
you have to learn to say no to
things that you don't wanna do.
That's how you get the things
that you do want.
Okay, but I'm not
in the same boat as you.
I can't just say no
because I don't want it.Sorry.
It's too embarrassing, okay?
You gotta let go
of the Sweet Sisters.
Uh, "Let it go," yeah, I
have.[TED MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
I've tried. I've tried to forget
it ever happened.
It did nothing good for me. Or me.
Yeah, but you managed
to work afterwards,
whereas, I, yeah, I have to do
the, "Look what she looks
like now" shit over and over.
And yeah, I don't like it. It's depressing.
It's not all I have.
JULIE: Riley!
[POT FALLS AND BREAKS]
Oh, my God.
TED: Are you all right?
I-I think so.Wow.
What happened?
The flower pot
almost fell on Riley.
Uh, what's with
the knife there, Lorena Bobbitt.
I was cutting watermelon
with Joe,
and he had to go home.
You're high.
She's totally high, right?
Julie, what happened
to your face?
W-What do you mean?
It's not your face anymore.
It's been butchered.
You've paid doctors
to slice up your face,
and it doesn't look good, honey.
It looks bad. It's one
of those fake faces.
That's what you have now,
is a fake face.
Okay, you know, I think maybe we've
had a little too much to drink.
And your lips.
Whose lips are those?
Who do they belong to?
They're not your lips.
Come into this world
with a beautiful face,
and you wanna slice it all up.
Who do you belong to?
Okay, all right, this is...
That's enough of this.
Let me have it.
Let me have the knife. Get off of me.
Let...[CLARA MUMBLING]
Jesus. And you. You're the
worst of them.
How? You know me.
You knew me.
Girls.
I think your mom
needs a little water.
TED: Let's, let's get mom
some water. Will you? Please?
Honey. Honey.
Here, sit down. Just sit down.
So, what's uh,
what's going on with you?
I mean,
everything's gonna be okay.
We'll sober up. We always do.
Sort of.
And you're wrong.
I do know you, honey.
I still know you.
I'm no one.
I'm no one to you anymore.
You can't even see me.
Okay.
JULIE: Ollie! What the hell is that?
What? What was that?
What the hell was that?
We just found him
eating brownies.
Why the hell would you
give him brownies?
You know they're not
good for him.
We didn't! Mom must have, or Joe.
Where the fuck is Mom?
She's on the porch. Clara.
Clara, you better come in here.
JULIE: Who did this to you?
JULIE: Oh, boy. Clara!
Shit, I'll go get her.
Oh, boy, you can't die.
It's his birthday.
TED: Clara.
Clara, did you...
Oh, fuck.
[GIRLS CRYING]
Okay, did she come back in here?
No. Mom, Ollie is gonna die!
Riley, here,
put Ollie in the car.
Julie, come with me,
we're gonna find mom.
Okay.
Clara.
[RILEY CRYING]
TED: Clara.
JULIE: Mom.
TED: Clara, come on.
JULIE: Where are you?
JULIE: Mom! This isn't okay!
TED: Clara.
[CAR HORN BLARING]
TED: Clar...
[TED SIGHS]
And she's gone.
[DOGS BARKING]
[HUMMING]
What the hell is that?
It's a bunny.
[SIGHS] They said
to give it 24 hours.
I'm scared. She's so trashed.
I've got a killer hemorrhoid
going on.
I hope they have
something here for me.
JULIE: I'm worried about
where Mom is.
Why? Because we can't find Mom.
We can. True, true.
Okay.
Where's Clara?
We don't know right now.
Um...
Okay, well, Ollie is very weak.
We've been pumping his stomach,
but he's not breathing too well.
You should call Clara, Ted.
Hey, Ted.
Mmm.
What the... You guys,
he ingested a lot of chocolate
and he already has a bad heart.
How did this happen?
Someone left a plate
of brownies on the floor.
Who did that?
We don't know.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
Hello?
Oh, okay, great.
There's a drunk lady
at the police station.
Clara. [LAUGHING]
Um, can I call you a cab?
Thank you so much.
Can I have my magazine?
You can sit right here,
you're ex-wife...
Right here.
Fuck you! Fucking morons.
Look, want a show?
Fucking perverted.
[LADY SCREAMING]
Get out,
fucking the dicks, shits.
She's lovely, but uh,
that's not Clara.
Mom never wears jean shorts.
It's kinda sad.
I'd love to see her
in some sexy denim cutoffs.
Okay, thank you, Julie.
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
[COYOTE HOWLING]
[COYOTES HOWLING]
[COYOTES HOWLING]
RILEY: Mom!
Clara!
Mom!
What are some of Mom's hotspots?
Oh, come on, honey, you know
we never leave this place.
Home Depot. What?
All the men there
have boners for Mom.
Ugh, please. JULIE: I bet it's true.
What about the coyotes?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
It's Mom's.
Mom's shirt.
It's got blood on it.
Dad, do something.
Okay, girls.
I want you to go back
to the house now.
We'll pick up Ollie and,
we'll find Mom.
We'll figure this out.
JULIE: Oh.RILEY: Oh.
No, we found her bloody shirt.
Yeah, it's bloody.
And there are coyotes.
Oh, Mom, Mom!
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
It's her phone.
I'm gonna call you back.
[CELL PHONE CONTINUES
TO VIBRATE]
Hello?
Hi there, this is Richard Gardner
of the Gardner Family Wine company.
We received your very kind
and thoughtful message,
uh, Clara and wanted
to reach out directly
and answer your question about
our unique fruity flavor
but, also just thank you
for calling in.
It was just really nice.
You're welcome.
So, an officer is gonna
meet us by the stone wall.
Still no word from Joe?
He ruined everything.
You should not get your weed
from him anymore, Ri.
TED: Clara.
Clara.
It's okay.
Come here, come on.
Come on, honey. Come here.
You know, it was cold out there.
I bet.
But it felt good?
I thought I was gonna have
a panic attack.
Yeah, I'm hung over already.
JULIE: So is Ollie.
They were in your closet
this whole time.
I know.
He's the best of all of us.
Hey, Mom, you didn't give
Ollie brownies, did you?
No, of course not.
JULIE: It must have
been Poo-poo.
So fucked up.
Oh, you get in here, girl.
Come on, now.
Park her right in there.
You know, Clara,
if this was a cry for attention,
we should have picked
a busier town.
Old Lyme falls asleep
by 9:00 p.m.
JULIE: Good night, family.
Love you.
RILEY: Good night, love you.
Love you, girls.
Sleep well.
[WHISPERS] I love you.
ADELIA: [WHISPERS] Clara.
[ GEORGY GIRLPLAYING]
you don't have to kill us.
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
[EXHALES]
It just makes no sense.
TED: Well...
Wait.
I think I see it.
Is that it? Is that it?
Oh, what a relief.
I thought I was gonna have to
try to find it online.
[COYOTE HOWLING]
[LEAVES RUSTLING]
Excuse me. Hello?
MAN: Do you mind?
Lady.
Can you see me?
[CAR HORN BLARING]
MAN: Hello?
Come on!
Come on!
Come on!
Sorry.
Damn it.
CLARA: It's not it, Ted.
It's exactly like this one.
The brand is Dina,
or Dina, D-I-N-A.
And I got them at Marshall's
near the Palisades mall,
with my sister in New Jersey.
And I think I had
a store credit.
And, oh, they were on clearance.
So, there's no way they
have them there anymore.
Gotcha. So,
someone stole your shoe?
No, no, um,
we took and it fell out
of the car somewhere.
You could fill out
a stolen property...
No, no, we've been searching
for it for hours,
it got dark.
It's a size nine.
Wearing two shoes now.
No, no. Right?
These are from DSW.
I like DSW.
The missing shoe
is from Marshall's.
So you just have a back-up pair in your
car in case someone lost your shoe?
No, I wasn't wearing them.
They were in my car
but they weren't on my feet.
Were in your car
but they weren't on your feet.
The left shoe
was the missing shoe.
Oh.
We have a "Lost Item Report"
that you can fill out.
That way,
if anyone returns it...
Are you kidding me?
Is there someone above you I can speak
with to help me figure this out?
I'm sorry, um,
I'm the only one here.
Do you see my husband out there?
Do you recognize him?
Ted Reynolds?
Does he eat at Andy's Deli
on Elm on Saturdays often?
Ted Reynolds, the actor.
I'm gonna have to go out there and tell
him that you didn't help me at all.
And he's gonna be very upset.
Ted Reynolds?
Well, I think
it's time for a drink.
Damn right.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
[SLOW TENSE INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING]
[INSECTS BUZZING]
Oh, my gosh!
Look at that moon.
CLARA: Oh, my gosh. Wow.
I don't think I've ever seen,
seen a moon like that.
CLARA: Spectacularly beautiful.
Is it supposed to be
a full moon tonight?
Oh, honey, I don't know if the
moon is supposed to be full.
Okay, I'm gonna take him out. I
am not the boss of the moon.
Take who out? Oliver.
No, no, you're gonna stay.
Come down here.
I need to take Oliver... Come down with me.
[GASPS] Lie down
on the rug with me.
We can look at the ceiling and
pretend we're looking at stars.
Come here. Come here.
Give me some sugar.
Oh, God. Come on.
Oh, I need to take the dog out.
No, you are not taking him out.
It's not fair to him.
Ow! Ow!
I'm tender. My bones
are like chicken bones.
They're very brittle.Jesus.
Go do your duty.
[INSECTS BUZZING]
[DOG SNIFFING]
[DOG URINATING]
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
[CREAKING]
[CREAKING]
[CELL PHONE BUTTONS CLICKING]
[ TOYLANDPLAYING]
That's a good song.
CLARA: 1969, Ollie.
I was 14.
Time flies.
Whether you're having fun
or not.
[ GEORGY GIRLPLAYING]
Hey there Georgy girl
Swinging down
the street so fancy-free
Nobody you meet could ever
see the loneliness there
Inside you
Hey there Georgy girl
Why do all the boys
just pass you by?
Could it be you just don't try
Or is it the clothes you wear?
You're always window shopping
But never stopping to buy
So shed those
dowdy feathers and fly
A little bit
Hey there Georgy girl
There's another
Georgy deep inside
Bring out all the love you
Hide and oh
what a change there'd be
The world would see
A new Georgy girl
Georgy girl
Swinging down the street
so fancy-free
Nobody you meet
could ever see...
Gardner.
Gardener.
[READING]
"Gardener of family owned wine"
"from San Luis Obispo."
"We will sell no wine
before its time."
A family that wines together,
Ollie...
Ollie.
Where'd you go?
Okay.
Somebody's gotta do it.
So, it has to be me.
Get in there.
[BANGS] Shit.
Oh, hi.[PHONE BEEPS]
Hello, this is Clara,
and I should be cleaning.
I cleaned by kitchen
and it looks good.
But my office is still...
It needs work.
It's late here, but I figured with the
time difference on the West Coast,
it'd be okay.
Um, I'm-I'm-I'm...
I like your wine.
I think that you'd probably
guessed that by now.
Maybe you didn't, I don't know.
Anyway, um,
I'm looking at your website,
at the whole bunch of you,
and it just seems like
such a wonderful family,
and such a great team.
[CHANDELIERS CHIMING]
Oh.
I found and obituary for
Mary Gardener's father online,
and it said that
he passed away from cancer.
And I was just wondering
what kind, because,
it is just such horrible stuff.
[CHANDELIERS CHIMING]
I like the fruity undertones
of the wine.
And I was just wondering, is
that something that you plan for
or is it just a coincidence.
The fruity.
Anyway,
if someone could call me back
about the fruity undertones,
I would really appreciate that.
Thank you.
[CHANDELIERS CHIMING]
Clara.
[SNICKERING]
Oh, my God.
[LAUGHING]
TED: Sweetheart.
Oh, you cutie.
Magazine people
are coming at 1:00.
And the girls will be here
in about an hour.
Oh.
[SLURPING]
[IN A CHILDLIKE VOICE] Ollie.
Oh, it's your birthday,
little boy.
Come here.
Oh, honey, happy birthday.
You got a big day today.
Oh, come here. Hi.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hi. Yeah.
Ew.
JULIE: Ew. I hate her so much.
Benny used to date her,
you know.
Really? When?
Like, when I was a baby.
[SIGHS]
Sweet Sisters reunion.
Can't wait to go home.Ah.
Okay, don't post that, all right?
It's super desperate.
Just giving the people
what they want.
Oh, Benny needs to know
approximately how long your speech
is gonna be for the wedding.
Why? I haven't even
written it yet.
Well, he's just being
a good groom.
These things can drag on and on,
like Marcy
at Jay and Em's wedding.
She just would not shut up
about her fucking, like, lupas.
You know? I'm just, like,
"Shut the fuck up."
You know, I had
an epiphany recently.
I walked into this audition and there
was a waiting room full of actresses,
and I was, like, finally confident
in myself for the first time.
Like, I'm okay with how I look.
It's fine.
Well, that's not good.
[CLEARS THROAT]
So, what's this photo shoot for?
It's for, like, on airplanes?
Arrivee Magazine.
Okay, I really can't handle
going home right now.
I'm so fat and my wedding's
in nine weeks,
and mom, like,
is just in complete denial.
She should be freaking out.
PASSENGER: Oh, shit.
Hey, do you think you're
gonna do that show in Brooklyn?
They don't want me without you.
That, "Where are they now?"
show?
No. Fuck no!
RILEY: I know, but I could
really use the money.
We're working actresses.
Not fucking former child stars.
Sweet Sisters!
Pfft. Okay.
What's the point
of saying anything?
I know. Like we're poison ivy.
You have to alert everybody.
[EXHALES]
[GIGGLING]
Oh.
I don't like my smile in this.
Oh, God. This is gruesome.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
Hello.
Oh, yeah. I'll hold.
Oh, shit, I can
never return this.
Oh, boy.
[SOFTLY] Oh.
Oh, my God. My old library card.
From 1963.
Ted. Guess what I just found.
Really?
Yeah, I just wish they would have come
to this decision before rehearsals.
Yeah.
You know what, guys,
this puts me in a very
uncomfortable position.
You see, this twat producer,
who, by the way, only happens to be,
like, five years younger than me,
wants to be
my fucking son-in-law.
And here's the position
I'm in now.
I don't know how
to pay for the wedding.
Yeah, you know what?
You should have
seen this coming.
Okay? That's why I pay you
the big bucks.
The big clams casino.
Yeah.
Uh-huh. Okay. Well, fuck you.
Right. Yeah. Goodbye.
Stupid. Bastard. Fat ass.
TED: Punk. Pervert. Son-in-law.
TED: Clara.
We should get going. God dammit.
TED: We gotta leave
in 10 minutes.
What time is it?
[BELL DINGING]
Oh.
This is my cousin
Grace's new baby.
Uh, they named her Louise
after her husband's mother.
And her husband is the one
who died drunk driving.
Mmm-hmm.Wait. Wait a minute.
No, that's not right.
You know what? He may have been the
one who died from a heart attack
while he was drunk driving.
Do you believe that?
Okay.
ADELIA: [WHISPERS] Clara.
ADELIA: [WHISPERS SLOWLY] Clara.
[BELL DINGING]
Clara.
Can you see me?
Oh, gosh.
The daylight.
So happy to be out...
TED: Hi, girls. RILEY: Hey.
JULIE: Hi.
Welcome home. CLARA: Sight for sore eyes.
Thank you.
How was the train ride?
We were, like,
sitting in a fart box.
The entire train ride
was disgusting.Yeah.
Smelled like warm beans. Is it?
You're making me hungry
with that fart talk.
Yeah.[TED GIGGLING]
Dad, you're so thin.
Oh, I am not. I'm fat.
I gotta lose, like, 25 pounds.
Uh, I need help with laundry,
when you have a chance. CLARA: Okay.
And then, I also
need help with a bill. I just...
"Help with a bill"?
What? Do you need someone
to read it to you?
[TED GIGGLING]RILEY: Funny, funny.
TED: Girls, we have time
for a couple of drinks
before Arrivee Magazine.
Arrivee Magazine. JULIE: Ugh!
I'm not even on the cover.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
ALL: Cheers!
To Ollie's birthday.
Ollie's birthday,
and welcome home.
Wow.
Yes-sir-e.
Those will knock your ass
right over your head.
Dad's been painting, girls.
BOTH: Cool.
It's really shit. It's like...
Sorry. Hey.
Can I, can I get a picture
with the three of you?
Sure. Yeah. Sweet sisters.
[RHYTHMICALLY] And the father.
Ted Reynolds.
Oh, man. It's just, like,
such a wacky, wacky world.
Ted.
How you been man?
Yeah, been around.
Uh, hey, you know, jeez louise,
my son was obsessed
with you two.
Oh.Oh, that's so sweet.
I mean, you know,
I'd give him hell about it.
Here, I'll take it.
Oh.CLARA: You sit down.
Oh, awesome.
Okay, so you're gonna sit
right there?
No, you're gonna come
right back here.
Okay.
Two thumbs up.Yep.
That's good.Okay.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
One with Julie.
The star
[LAUGHING]
TED: Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, I got it. I got it.
Good.Un-real.
Yeah.Thanks.
Ugh.Ugh.
Oh, my God. Ew!
Did you get a little bit
of him on you?
Yeah, I got a lot of him on me.
TED: Enjoy that, honey.
You guys wanna eat anything?
I'm cleansing.
Maybe, just an order
of fried shrimp.
Mm-hmm. And some quesadilla,
and, I don't know, maybe a cob
salad for the table would be good.
That's all. I mean, I think we
should just eat appetizer, girls,
'cause I'm gonna order
Chinese food.
We should all be eating
eggplant at every meal.
They say it literally
melts cancer cells.
TED: Well, that sounds yummy,
but I'm not gonna go
for the eggplant right now.
I think that will be it.
Thank you so much.Yeah.
Thank you, great.
I like this waitress.
And when a waitress
from 1975 can say,
"A waitress nowadays is good,"
she's good.
Well, any waitress in Connecticut
has it better than you did.
Yeah, you were working in, like,
seedy shit holes in Midtown,
where dudes went
to cheat on their wives.
Serving shitty steak
in a leotard.
That's so fucked up.
Your boss was like, "Clara, come over here,
you missed a spot right on my mouth."
Come on, give me a kiss."
So, I really want Megan
to be a bridesmaid,
but, like, she's gained
a lot of weight.
I need to write an email with everyone's
goal weight on it and send it out.
JULIE: What the... Hey.
RILEY: Hey, come back here.
You stole my wallet.
TED: It's her bladder, kids.
It's shot.
We're old. We're falling apart.
Just go ahead and
shoot me in the face.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Excuse me.
Not nice to stare.
ADELIA: [WHISPERS] Clara.
WOMAN: Girls, are you
washing your hands?
RILEY: Do you wash your hair
before auditions?
JULIE: Yeah, sometimes.
I just feel like
it's really important.
TED: Don't know what to tell you
sweetie, it's a shitty business.
Well, that's what it is.
Oh, you know what? I keep
seeing that friend of yours
on this detergent commercial.
She's actually very funny.
Yeah. Mara? My old roommate?
Yeah, we were never friends.
I hate her. She's a huge cunt.
Ah, okay, well,
she's a huge funny cunt.
Hey, you didn't notice my lips.
Did you get 'em pumped
or whatever?
TED: They look pumped. JULIE: Yeah.
Just checking...
[SCREAMS]
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I was just... That was scary.
Just, just checking that
you wanted the C-Cobb as well.
Yeah, we...
Now more than ever.
The Cobb, please.
JULIE: Jesus.Sorry.
I think there's a Cobb salad
in my underpants.
My IUD dropped out, I think.
TED: I think it's in me now.
[SQUEAKY VOICE] Did everyone see the flowers
I posted on Pinterest for the wedding?
Oh, I'm sorry, Julie,
I just haven't had time.
You know, I saw something that I think would
be perfect for your wedding this morning.
Honey, show 'em
the picture of what I saw.
Uh, yeah.
Look at that.
Oh, my God.Ew.
That was in our backyard
and it's for free.
TED: And I think it
will look great on the cake.
Coyotes have been
awful this year.
Every other week we hear
about a dog being killed.
And did I tell you guys
about the little girl
who was stalked on the
way home from school.
I just ordered pot.
From who? Poo-poo?
You know it. 'Cause he got
the good shit.
I'm so proud of my kids.
[INHALING]
What should we bake
for the birthday boy this year?
Oh, I don't think
we need to make anything.
We just ate and
we're gonna have Chinese,
and I just cleaned
the kitchen last night.
JULIE: Relax, we'll clean it up.
RILEY: Yeah, it's tradition.
CLARA: I thought you wanted
to cleanse, Julie.
JULIE: Jeez, okay,
I think I look good.
Okay. Home sweet home.
Oh, my goodness. There he is.
TED: There's the guy.
Hi, Ollie.
Hi, baby.
RILEY: Oh, he has
a little red rocket.
Aw, you can't get boners
for your sisters, Ollie.
I found brownie mix.
Ooh.
Ooh, yummy.
Hey, sweetheart, we're home.
Why don't you take your
coat off and stay awhile.
So, uh, for the wedding,
we're gonna let the elderly people
come in and use the private bathroom.
Where are the
porta-potties gonna go?
Behind the garage.
They're gonna be nice though. We're
splurging on the presidential trailers.
RILEY: Hmm.
JULIE: I mean that's, like, an
important thing to spend money on.
RILEY: Yeah. JULIE: Yeah, it's like if
someone takes a shit,
then like, they'll be fully
stocked because of the attendant.
RILEY: Yeah, you don't want anyone
walking out of there like this.
Ugh, come on. Yeah, you do.
TED: Julie, um, has Benny
said how the show's going?
JULIE: Um, I think
he's having fun.
He thinks your great. TED: Wow.
That's nice.
ADELIA: [ WHISPERS] Let me in.
Ted.
TED: I, uh, was fired
from Benny's show, Julie.
What? It's okay.
TED: I'm fine. Thank you though.
Yeah, up until a week ago,
they were sending flowers,
and then he just
got the call today.
Yeah, I guess they wanted to go a
different direction with the character.
Do you know anything about that?
Well, yeah, but Ben said he was
gonna call you personally.
Mmm-hmm, he didn't.
But, that's okay, I mean,
I don't need a pep talk.
RILEY: What happened?
Well, I guess they wanted
a Ted Reynolds type,
but they didn't
actually want Ted Reynolds.
Well, it wasn't Ben.
He was championing you.
Yeah, you know, sweetheart, I have a
hard time trusting the old son-in-law.
And by old, I do mean, old.
That is so fucked up, Dad.
Do not give me shit
about his age.
Riley just had sex
with a 60-year-old
and no one's saying anything
about that.
Don't announce that
to Mom and Dad.
Well, you did.
He was not 60 then.
And it was a blowjob, not sex.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Who did they give it too?
I don't know. Some swollen dick,
I don't know his name.
Matt Byrne, wasn't it?
I can Google it.
Oh, sweetheart, that's really sweet of
you, but no, we don't need to Google it.
Yeah, fuck them.
RILEY: God.
I don't mean your fiancee,
just the powers that be.
'Kay.
Come on, let's not fight.
You know, come to
think of it, sweetheart,
I would have liked a phone call,
that would have been nice.
Mom literally just said,
"Let's not fight."
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, I bet that's my shoe.
Nope, that's definitely my pot.
Okay, well, I gotta go wipe my fanny
before these magazine people show up.
He is so insane.
If he didn't act like
a complete psychopath
and make insane demands
to the director.
He wanted to be
in every other scene.
And he did the, "Twat, twat,
I can't hear you" joke
to her while she was trying
to give him direction.
Then he did the "Eskimo Pussy"
bit on top of that.
Julie, just for the sake of
tonight, can we forget about this?
It wasn't even a big role.
It was a potential reoccurring.
Ugh! God.
Oh, Mom, thank you
for meeting with the tent guy.
What are you talking about?
Mom. The tent guy?
I told you a month ago,
you needed to schedule a time to
meet with him before he left town.
I don't remember
having this conversation.
Oh, my God, Mom.
They needed to see the yard.
I-I don't... No one gives a shit
about this wedding, but me?
I guess I just have to
suck it up and do it alone.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
It's Poo-poo. Poo-poo's here.
Oh, nobody
calls me that anymore.
Mom, apparently you know
of my drug dealer.
Mom, are you okay?
Mom? Oh, hi, Joe.
Hey. How you doing,
Ms. Reynolds. Oh, Joe.
Oh. Joe did our
landscaping all summer.
Are you crying? No, no, no, I'm fine.
I don't know
what I've been told
Eskimo pussy is mighty cold
There he is. How you doing,
you old bush wacker?
Oh, I'm good. You're okay? Yeah.
You shouldn't sing that
in front of guests.
Hey, I've heard it before. I, uh,
looking for my next big job.
Oh yeah? Mr. Montalto has me cleaning out
his storage space in Deep River.
How many bodies
have you found so far?
You know what's crazy though,
he has two pitching machines.
Who would need two? I don't know.
Who would need two?
So, uh,
do you know we had
AP English together?
Ooh, I didn't know that.
Yeah, studying. Me in high school.
Dark, dark times.Yeah.
No, we don't talk about that. That was
really like, "Dear diary, I don't know..."
Yeah, it was hysterical,
I wanted to die.
You and me, both, sweetie.
Joe, what do you want to drink?
Oh, I'm fine.
Thank you, I'm good. Oh, come on.
Have a little something
to wet your whistle, huh?
And you're gonna have
dinner with us too, pal.
Huh, I like Moscow Mules.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
JOE: Sorry. RILEY: Let's smoke this.
How about that.
Okay, off you go.
Have fun kids. RILEY:
Julie, Poo-poo's here.
No poking at fannies.
Oh, Ollie, come here.
[IN A CHILID-LIKE VOICE]
Oh, sweetheart, oh, honey, baby.
Give me a kiss.
I've been seeing
this woman around.
Uh, around Old Lyme?
Yeah. She seems to go
wherever I go.
Well, you should say hi to her.
Maybe you guys could be friends.
I think hat would be
weird at this point.
Mmm, she might think
the same thing.
Mmm, oh Jesus.
There are those assholes
from Arrivee Magazine.
They can all suck my red rocket.
TED: Hey, James.
How are you, sir? How are you?
Come here, come here. Thank you very much.
Okay, focus, focus.
Ooh, my face is really hot.
I don't like powder.
They look great.
The house looks really great.
More family. Like a family.
This is where I play,
"How do I kill myself?"
Because I can't
get out of this room.
Good. Something like this, James?
[LAUGHING]
That's a suicide joke.
This is a really
strange position for me.
[MOANING]
[LAUGHING]
Oh, it's beautiful.
Isn't that just the essence.Yes.
So, when I say family,
what does it mean to you?
Family.
Ooh.
[JULIE CLEAR THROAT]Any of you can answer.
Hey, Joe.Yeah.
When you ordered
the Chinese food,
did you get two orders
of sesame chicken?
Uh... We need two orders
of sesame chicken.
I'll go call 'em back. Thank you.
RILEY: Run like the wind.
TED: I'll jump in.
Gotta get this shit over with.
TED: Um, family means
everything to me.
It really is...
It's my whole life, I mean,
my family is my life.
It's really the whipped cream
on the banana split of life.
And um...
You know, the girls and I, we've
been through some rough times,
but we know,
we'll get through them together
and we'll always be a family.
Oh, that's beautiful. Wait. Ooh!
Excellent. Got it.
Clara.
Clara, I can see you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Mmm, it's okay, Mom, don't worry.
We can photoshop her out.
TED: Great. And that's a wrap.
JAMES: But before we stop,
I have a little side project
we can bring you into.
[SIGHS] Christ.
Because I have, well,
it's very exciting news,
I have a book.
We'll put it up
on the shelf there.
It's a very
exciting time for me.
Congrats. That's awesome.
Yeah, that's great.
The book is comprised of photos of people,
the families, in their home, but hiding.
So, they're there
but they're not there.
It's a play on mise en scene.
Okay. Well, good luck with that.
So, you'll do it. Huh?
You'll do it. So maybe, why don't
you go behind the curtain.
The curtain. Yes, please.
I go behind the curtain.
And you pretty girl, you can
go behind that love seat.
And you, other girl, you can go
behind that love seat.
These are chairs. JAMES: Quick, quick.
TED: James, is this where
you want me?
Mmm, I could see your foot.
TED: Okay. We have integrity here.
We must maintain the integrity.
Mmm.
JAMES: Focus. Focus.
And, one, two...
Let me in. Please.
You can see me.
ADELIA: Please.
Please, let me in. Please.
Please. Please.
[SOFTLY] Please,
please let me in.
JAMES: And this is the last one.
Beautiful. TED: Great. Right,
that's a wrap.
JAMES: Beautiful. JULIE: Thank you, James.
You're so good.
JAMES: Aww, you're so good.
TED: Okay, terrific.
Thanks so much.
The exits right out there.
TED: Now, I think when
you're done with the book,
maybe you could uh, you know, come back
up and we could do a personal shoot.
Sure, sure. If you write a book,
I'd love to do your author pose.
TED: Well, that's something
we could do also.
Um, I wouldn't mind that.
Tell me man, how do you live and
work out here at the same time?
I mean, I would go nuts.
Ahh, that's the trick.
TED: You don't work.
Do you gold? Sail?
No, I drink.
Hey, hey, real quick.
Do you think we could get
a quick photo of Ted and me?
I have so many pictures,
it's stuck on my phone.
Millions. And I never see them.
It would be so nice to have
a real photo of the two of us.
Uh, we just packed up.
How do you print out a photo
from your phone?
I just have no idea.
It's so crazy.
Honey, they're trying to beat
traffic back to the city.
This isn't the best time
to do that.
Just one photo, one photo.
It's be quick. It's be quick.
I promise.
Um, I'm sorry.
Mmm. Mmm. I'm sorry.
Yeah. "Mmm," I know
what that means, okay.
Here. What?
Pinch my neck. Pinch your neck.
There's... No, no, no, no, no, like this.
Like this.
What are you talking about?
Just, just do it.
Pinch your neck. Pinch my neck.
Oh. Oh, yeah. Okay.
That's better.Anytime.
Okay. Got it?
Thank you. Thank you so much. It's great.
Clara, that guy
just wanted to leave.
You know,
it's really embarrassing
when you harass people
at the last minute.
Why didn't you
say something sooner?
He likes taking pictures.
It's what he does for a living.
Yes, it's what he does
for a living.
He doesn't like
doing it for free.
Just read the room a little,
okay?
Where's the fire, Ted?
I wanted one God damn picture.
You didn't ask me to be
in one of those photos.
Because you don't like
getting your picture taken.
Maybe I do sometimes.
You just never ask.
Oh, okay. All right. Poor Clara.
Boohoo.
Ugh!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Saturday Sunday are the best
You don't have
to study for a test
You can just be you...
I want my new nose to come out
like my nose here.
You know, the bridge is like...
It's just sexy.
I think it's sad.
You know, we were, like, babies.
We were objectifying ourselves.
Fucking entertaining America
since before we had pubes.
And I got pubes early, Joe.
I'm talking a huge bush by the
time I was seven years old.
People would come from all over
the world to see this thing.
Damn, right on.
Yeah, every working actor has to
objectify themselves, believe it or not.
I just don't believe
in doing that.
Maybe you should.
Must be a lot of pressure.
So, Joe, give us
the shoreline goss?
What's the darkest shit
that's been going down?
Um, well, do you
remember Scott Worsen?
The biggest shithead
in the world.
Yeah. I don't remember him.
Sweet Tits Sisters.
Sweet Tits Sisters.
He would call us
Sweet Tits Sisters.
Oh, yeah, he had the picture of the girl
with a coke can up her ass in his locker.
Yeah.Yeah.
He died in a boating accident.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
[LAUGHING] That was not what
I thought you were gonna say.
That's terrible.
That's sad.
Sorry, didn't mean
to bring the vibe down.
You didn't. [LAUGHS]
TED: Shalom.
Mmm.
Lovely.
I really don't have to stay.
Are you kidding?
It wouldn't be the same.
Come on, Joe.
Yeah.
You're like the
salt of the Earth,
just so humble, so Connecticut.
So genuine,
so fragile New England.
Joe, what's your mom like?
Did I get enough food?
[ALL: TOGETHER] Yes.
She, um, she worked
in the office at middle school.
But, now she's a bartender
at Rocky's.
Oh, I've done that.
Our mom was a Playboy Bunny
at the Playboy club in New York.
Not my proudest achievement.
Back when you were dating Vince
Granito, the sensitive poet.
I shall never give up me poetry.
He was a poet?
Very nice man.
We dated a year, tops.
Because he was gay.
CLARA: No, he was not.
Honey, he was totally out of the closet
when I met him at Shelia's party.
No, he wasn't. He was just nice.
We dated about a year
and it faded out.
And I have no regrets.
We're still friends.
Oh, God, please tell me he's not
sending you poetry on Facebook.
No, we're just friends on there.
He doesn't post a lot
and he's put on a lot of weight.
Riley, what happened
to that part you're up for?
Oh.
Oh, I, uh...
Well, I didn't get it.
I don't know what part
you're talking about, dad.
Um...
I did get a meeting
at a production office.
Mmm. Um, but it was because
they thought I was Julie.
What? Are you kidding me?
RILEY: Yeah, it was ridiculous.
It was this modern office downtown with
these, like, 20-year-old producers.
Oh yeah, I know that place. That's
Mommy and Daddy Productions.
They can suck my dick.
Ow! Ow, ow, ow.
Oh God. Oh, wow!
What happened?
Broken nail.
Oh, your pinky nail?
Your coke nail?
My mom really enjoyed cocaine.
This woman, in her day,
she was a snow plough.
It was advertised as a
healthy alternative to alcohol.
Uh, I'm sorry sweetie, I don't
remember cocaine advertisements.
Weddings, funerals, you name the
place, the woman had coke on her face.
TED: Yeah, she had
a little vial around her neck
that she was always...
RILEY: A drawer full of it.
[LAUGHING]
JULIE: She used it as
baby powder when I was a baby.
They're all making fun of you.
Stop making fun of me!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
TED: Okay.
Jesus Christ, honey,
we were just joking.
JULIE: Has that guy, Plotkin,
emailed you about the script?
Yeah, he did.
I haven't opened it yet.
What is it?
It's like this series about a
father and daughter in Hollywood.
You should be in it too.
RILEY: People don't even know
I'm still trying to work.
JULIE: Hey, Benny looks out
for you all the time.
I appreciate
all that Benny does,
but when you put out an article out when
you're 15 about how you're never acting again
I guess people remember that.
I knew that was a bad idea
when you did that.
I hated that.
Well, it was clearly
a cry for help, Dad.
Well, okay.
Ugh. Those were the dark ages.
We literally weren't allowed
to go through puberty.
Oh, come on.
Always down playing.
The sound guy on Sweet Sisters used
to tape our tits with an ace bandage
to hide out little bumps.
Okay, I believe you. So, what do
you want me to do about it now?
Well, don't run off
to Studio City.
Oh, okay.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday
Dear Ollie
Happy birthday
To
You
Many more
Oh, you did it.
Who wants brownies? I'm
actually so full right now.
I can't even
think about brownies.
Joe, do you like watermelon?
Yeah. I have a new way of cutting it.
I saw a video. Wanna see?
Yeah, okay.
Hey, Dad, you know,
Jinky's in Studio City
is by far the best breakfast.
You gotta go there. The omelets
are the size of your ass.
What a lame place to run off too
to start a new life.
I wanna live
near Universal Studios
and ride the rides.
[MARTHA STEWART IMPRESSION] First, you pierce
the skin of the melon with your knife.
Then you cut horizontally
and vertically.
And then you, ever so gently,
scoop the flesh of the melon
into your wonderful bowl.
These mixing bowls
are just spectacular.
My friend in Westport
makes them.
[LAUGHING] Good job.
I didn't know
you did impressions. I'm not that great.
Let's try this out. Yeah.
Mmm.
Hey, I saw you had a book loaned to you
by the historical society upstairs.
Oh, that means my girls
let you in my office?
Ugh, so embarrassed.
Oh, I don't care.
I'm kinda a pack rat myself.
Ah, this is kinda embarrassing.
Oh, no, don't be embarrassed.
I have so many mugs
under my bed.
You know, the ones that
kinda meant something to me.
Like, my grandpa always used to use this
one that just said, "Not today" on it.
And, I just kinda
like that shit.
Sorry, crap. I like mugs, they're fun.
Anyway, my dad is actually a
member of the Historical Society
so I could take that book
off your hands, if you want.
I think it's a couple
of months past due.
Joe, do you know anything about the
woman who lived in this house?
Oh, the Captain's daughter.
Uh, Adelia.
Yeah. She was the crazy one, right?
Crazy, how?
TED: What is going on in here?
Oh, I was just showing Joe
my watermelon trick.
TED: Oh, that's so neat.
Did you feed Ollie? I was just about to.
Okay. Joseph, why don't you
join me in the ballroom,
you can watch me switch from
vodka to scotch. Come on.
I'm gonna go hang out
in the ballroom.
Thank you.
[ MACARTHUR PARKPLAYING]
There will be
another song for me
For I will sing it
There will be
another dream for me
Someone will bring it
I will drink the wine
while it is warm
And never let you catch me
looking at the sun
And after all
the loves of my life
[WAILING]
After all the loves of my life
You'll still be the one
Ah, ah, not today.
I will take my life
into my hands
And I will use it
I will win the worship
in their eyes
And I will lose it...
Oh, Oliver, you are
gonna live forever, buddy.
[GASPS]
No.
Oh, God, what?
[STRAINING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
What? Adelia, what do you,
what do you want?
...MacArthur's Park
is melting in the dark
All the sweet green
icing flowing down
Someone left
the cake out in the rain...
Thank you.
...I don't think
that I can take it
'Cause it took
so long to bake it
And I'll never have
that recipe again
Oh no
Oh no
No
Oh no
[OLIVER WHINING]
Joe, what do you think
of that comedian, Matt Byrne?
JULIE: Oh God, Dad, why?
I think he's super funny. Mmm,
yeah, I figured you would.
He's really dry, uh, TED: Uh-huh.
He does great voices.
I saw a special about a month ago,
but I've been a fan since 2013.
Oh, wow, jeez, the guy's been in
the business a long time, I guess.
Yeah, he has this, uh, this bit,
where he's playing fish in a fish
tank, like, judging the people.
And he's like this.
There's two fish, and he's like,
"Look at this guy, he's making us watch
him eat a Pokeball. That's just wrong.
Well, what's a Pokeball?"
And the Angel fish
is the most dramatic fish.
So, he's like, "I don't know
what a Pokeball is",
"but I do know that's
the flesh of our kind."
Ah, he goes, "Well, were..."
Dammit. "We're no better
than him though, man."
"'Cause we're
literally cannibals."
"Because we ate Bob when floated down to
the bottom the other day, remember that?"
"No offense to bottom feeders."
The bottom feeders like, "Whatever, man.
I'd rather eat shit than a Pokeball."
He does it better than me.
I don't, I don't know
how to do the voices.
[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]
Now I get it. No, that one,
that one has to kinda sink in.
[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Joe, do you dance?
I... No, no. Come on.
Come on. You know how to.
[MUSIC STOPS]
TED: Wow.
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
Okay, honey, no. Stop.
No. No, come on.
Why do you look so mean
when you dance?
I never understood
that.[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]
That's not funny.[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.
TED: What the hell?
[INDISTINCT]
Okay.
CLARA: Joe, sit down... Okay.
Let's read ghost stories.
This house is really old.
It's like, 1862?
How in the shit
did you know that?
Built by Captain Chadwick,
the renowned sea captain.
The Captain, for his daughter.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Adelia.
JOE: Yep.
I actually know an Adelia
in my acting class.
She is a huge cunt.
I don't know, there's not
a whole lot on record,
but, like, there was
a thing about...
She walked through
the town naked.
That's what
Demi Moore's daughter did.
JULIE: She was protesting Instagram
censoring nipples, I think?
What happened to her?
I think I still follow her,
I'm not sure.
She's cool She's, like,
an artist.
Yeah, she's really indie.
They sent her to
a mental institution, but,
after that, nobody really knows.
The Captain built this whole house for her
and she never even really lived here.
But then, the Captain
went to the woods,
where she used to walk,
and he killed himself.
It's so funny how people were killing
themselves back then too, you know.
You know, you shouldn't be
in an acting class.
You should just be
out there auditioning.
That's how you learn to act.
I auditioned at Leon Silberman's
house the other day.
What? RILEY: Wow.
Well, when was, what happened?
What... How did it go?
Um, yeah, just happened,
so I don't wanna jinx anything.
Well, what did you do
for the audition?
Uh, just this monologue.
TED: Yeah, about what?
I don't know.
I didn't get the full script.
Oh, well, honey, that's no
reason not to know the material.
Did you tell him
that you're my daughter?
No, of course not.
Well, why not?
Because, I know he knows.
Yeah, it's an awkward thing to say
sometimes, just out of nowhere.
Yeah, I'm not talking to you.
Okay, just, fuck off.
Hey, let's just have fun.
Joe and I wanna have fun, right?
TED: Honey, I'm just excited
for you, that's all.
I would love to hear
the monologue.
Hey, let's do
a seance for Adelia.
Hey.
Look, she's balancing
the glass on my head.
I'm excited too, Julie.
It reminds me of when
I auditioned for Robert Frances.
He's not super famous,
but it was a really cool thing.
Okay, sweetheart, it really doesn't count
if you were naked when you auditioned.
[DRUMS BEATING]
[FIREWOOD CRACKLING]
RILEY: 'Cause of our childhood, I feel
like I have this warped idea of adulthood.
And I've realized that
just because you ride old dick,
doesn't make you any older.
You know.
I dated a senior when
I was a freshman at UCONN.
Are you an Aries?
Nope.
Libra? No.
The Year of the Dragon.
The best one.
Julie. I really wanna
hear this monologue.
I really do.
Why? Because.
Because I'm a proud dad.
Come on, get up here. Come on.
We support you, Julie.
Up you go,
you got lots of support.
Loving family here watching you.
Let's see what you got.
Where's my eye line?
Your eye line
is right out there.
That's where your audience is.
Sheesh.
Thought I had
taught you how to act.
TED: There you go.[JULIE CLEARS THROAT]
I didn't come here because
I thought I was better
than anyone else... Let me know when
you're gonna start.
She was doing it. All right.
I didn't come here
because I thought I was
better than anyone else.
I came here because
I thought I loved you.
That night.
I felt like I was
going to pass out
from frustration and pleasure
at the same time.
I know I'm not safe with you.
I know you don't look at me
and I don't want you to.
I need a change.
Get out of Manhattan.
Get out of here.
Or I could stay
depending on you.
You.
It's all on you!
God.
If you could just forgive
the shit that I put you through.
But here's the thing.
I do see things.
I do.
Signs.
That's it.
That's it?
No, it's not the whole thing.
It's just the monologue
that I auditioned with.
Oh.
Well, jeez that was worth it.
Well, it's not,
it's not you, honey,
that was great.
It's, it's really his writing.
Joe, would you rather marry me
but I'm really mean to you,
but a great lay,
or Cindy Crawford
but, you can only see her
on your wedding day.
It's like a
twilight zone episode.
You're married to a supermodel
you can't even see.
Hmm.
I just kinda feel like the
guy's writing has gone soft.
I think he's gone soft.
You know, I mean,
of course he's still brilliant.
Uh, you know, I'm never
gonna say he's not brilliant.
But it's not like the old stuff.
And I'm not the
only one that says that.
TED: Who's distributing
this thing?
I think its for online
like an online network.
Oh, my God, I can't believe
he's pandering to internet shit.
Come on.
Yeah, okay, let's just stop fucking
talking about it, all right?
You're jealous and
it's completely transparent.
There's no fucking
telling you anything.
Who's Cindy Crawford? I'm jealous?
How is that possible?
I am your father.
Fathers aren't jealous
of their kids.
Okay, only our entire lives.
Okay, fine, here we go.
We got the show and you didn't.
Since we got one fucking stupid
job, you wouldn't forget it.
Riley wrote the book about it.
Riley wrote an e-book about it.
That's hurtful.
I say we sober up, hmm.
[ALL: TOGETHER] 31, 32, 33.
[ALL CHEERING]
JOE: Yeah! It burns.
It burns. It burns. It burns.
She's a priest.
Your mother's in here, Clarice, would
you like to leave her a message?
I'll make sure she gets it. What
a lovey day for an exorcism.
Okay, it's my turn.
It's my turn.
All right, yeah, you got this.
It's my turn. All right. Okay.
Present to the judges.
If you would, deep breath.
This is for you, Benny.
Benny. Benny can take gas.
[ALL: TOGETHER] One, two, three,
four...
ALL: Aww.
Oh, no. That is so cold.
You got it. TED: It's supposed
to be cold, honey.
Clara you're next. Let's go.
TED: Actually, you know what,
honey, I'm gonna go. I'm going.
You know what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna do it,
and then we're
gonna see Joe do it,
and see if he can beat my time.
And if you can,
500 bucks for you.
500 dollars?
All right, shit, let's do it.
JULIE: He's so excited.
TED: Okay, here we go.
ALL: [TOGETHER] Oh, one,
two, three...
Dad, your butt crack's out.
I don't know
where I'm I right now?
Oh.RILEY: Oh!
Five, four, three, and he's in.
[TOGETHER] One, two, three,
four, five...
Okay, that's good.
You're doing it.
Hold on there, pal.
Nope. Get back in there.
Just think of a Matt Byrne joke.
You can do more than that.
RILEY: Focus. TED: Come on.
Dad, you should let him up.
He's drowning.
Hey, he's fine. Relax.
He's good.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
Didn't really go very well,
did it?
That's okay.
We'll take a little breather,
and we'll try it
again a little later.
Yeah, we'll do it later. Seance time.
Seance? Seance.
Seance time. That's right.
I think I gotta go home soon.
Oh, shut the fuck up.
We're gonna fill our glasses and
we're gonna have ourselves a seance.
[SING-SONG MANNER] We're gonna have a
seance. We're gonna have a seance.
Seance. Seance. Seance.
They say if you stare
at a flame for too long,
you'll go crazy
and start seeing fire...
[WHISPERS] ...where there's
no fire.
Joe, I wanna read your palm.
Oh.
CLARA: Okay.
So, this here is your heart line
and it runs horizontally.
And this line here
is your head line,
it runs across your palm.
That's about your state of mind.
And then this one
is your life line.
It's not about
how long you live.
Like, a lot of people think
it's about how you live.
Your vitality, your prosperity,
and your strength.
Okay, uh, Clara,
just to give you
a little update,
they do have a shoe in custody
down at the police station.
Uh, they have it in the tank, they're
gonna interrogate it for a little while.
TED: But they may ask you to come
down and take a look at a line-up.
I feel like Benny wants me
to look like this.
What's... Is that
his ex-girlfriend look like...
I want my shoe.
Yeah, well honey, I want that part in
the show that Benny fired me from,
but sometimes the things we want just
kinda walk away from us, don't they?
Seance time.
I'm not down here complaining
about how I wasn't even cast
in the series you two
are apparently doing.
Hey, you know, sweetheart,
the problem with you,
is that you're trying to be
a Jack of all trades right now,
which I think is wonderful,
but, you know, when people
want you for something,
they don't think of you in that
particular way, you know what I mean?
Okay, privileged white man.
Oh, shit! I like to think of my brand
as having more to offer
than just one thing.
All right. I'm just telling you
this because I love you, sweetie.
You and Julie don't get it.
All you care about is money and
offers and how they treating you.
You don't care about process, it's not
art to you like it is for me, okay?
Uh, what about that fucking kickstarter
I donated 5,000 dollars to?
What happened to that?
TED: I, uh, donated twice that.
RILEY: Again, process.
[LAUGHING]Okay, well, let's not argue,
all right?
Yeah, I wouldn't want you to run
to Studio City for three years,
renting a weird porn house.
Okay, I guess Dad's a very,
very bad man.
Riley, that kickstarter...
Come on. What the hell was that?
Like, for you to take a trip
so you can get an idea
to be inspired?
It's so entitled.
I'm sorry, but,
it's gross.
Well, why don't we all clasp
our hands together, shall we?
TED: Clara, your hand, please.
[IN VICTORIAN ACCENT]
Let us close thine eyes
for we are about to make contact
with Amelia.
Adelia.Adelia.
Joe, show me how
you make a Moscow Mule?
Oh, perfect, yes, Joe.
Do make my wife another drink. That's
exactly what she needs, I think.
All right. TED: Moscow Mule, Joe.
Joe and the Moscow Mules
Take it away Joey
What are you doing,
Ms. Reynolds?
You take it away now Joey...
They're better in copper mugs,
but, here you go.
Joe, I'm not that picky.
You know that about me by now.
Mmm.
Do you want anything to eat?
They made brownies in the kitchen
and they didn't eat them.
Hey, why'd you
lock 'em in the basement?
Is that some kind of
family inside joke?
Hello?
Jesus, God!
These taste like shit.
Riley cannot make brownies.
Taste. I don't know if she
used rotten eggs, or bad oil.
I don't really know
how they could be helped.
You know.
[WHISPERS] I worry
about that kid.
She's just...
She just doesn't seem to...
Oh. You okay? Here, use this
as your barf bag. I'm sorry.
[REGURGITATES] Sorry.
[REGURGITATES]
Hmm.
If there's someone here with us,
please make a noise.
Any noise will do.
Any noise you like, sugar tits.
[BURPS]
That's so tight, you can see
her pussy from behind.
Remember the Mel Gibson tape?
Doh! No! That's a quote from
What Women Want.
Oh! Please, come on.
Let's take this seriously.
We're doing a seance down here.
Now, come on.
You want to be very quiet now.
Let's see if the spirits
will make a noise for us.
[MAKES A FLATULENCE SOUND]
What? Oh, God!
Did you hear that?
Something's with us.
This sucks.
Do you wanna try out my "At home"
laser kit that Benny got me?
I guess so.
Well,
I'll tell you this much.
I'd love to have some of them
brownies right about now.
It's stuck.
Okay.
[IN DRACULA VOICE] Ooh, maybe the spirits
in this room don't want us to get out.
The door is stuck.
No, it's not.
Shit.
It feels like it's latched
from the other side.
How the fuck did that happen?
Which one of you brainiacs
did that?
TED: [MUFFLED] Clara!
Clara!
[ GEORGY GIRLPLAYING
AT A LOWER TEMPO]
Woah! Ah!
[WHISPERING] I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Joe.
I was excited. I'll calm down.
Joe, here.
[CHANDELIERS CHIMING]Oh, Joe.
Look at that.
Do you see that, Joe?
Do you see that?
I think I should go.
Oh, Joe. Sweet Joe.
Help me find my shoe.
I'm sorry, Ms. Reynolds.
Help me let them out then.
That latch does stick.
Okay, but then I wanna go home.Okay.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
Hey. I got an idea.
Why don't we think
of a funny Matt Byrne bit.
Hey, do you guys
remember the one
where he accidentally puts
his girlfriend's underpants on?
And then he goes to a park.
And then, he's in
the men's room,
and his boss sydelles up next to him
and he sees the girl's underpants.
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
No, maybe, you wouldn't
have been fired
if you hadn't told the director the only
reason she was hired was 'cause she's a woman.
I never said "woman."
I called her a little girl.
She was, like, 25 years old.
Is that why Benny said
I was fired?
In case we need it for the door.
You have to respect women
in this business and children.
Especially when
they're your own children.
Oh! Lord!
A pox your throat.
You bowling, blasphemous,
infamous fool.
No more rent money
for you this month, Missy.
Maybe you gonna have to go out and
work for a living for a change.
That's really tragic
considering your age,
I mean, you're almost 30.
You shouldn't be
out there working,
you should be swinging with the
other children on the play set.
Stupid baby.
Oh, just shut up!
Who said that?
What are you doing?
Mrs. Reynolds, what are you...
Hey!
No.
No.
What are you doing?
What is going on?
I didn't mean to.
Joe, don't open the door.
It's safer that way. Go home.
I-I won't tell anyone.
I just wanna go to bed.
I'm sorry, I just thought
I'd make a little cash.
I didn't know
it would be like this.
I'd really...
I do like you, Clara.
I think you deserve
love and respect.
Are you all okay in there?
Clara?
Clara, the door's locked.
TED: Could you help us out here,
please sweetie?
I'm worried.
I let someone in the house.
Unlock the fucking door, Mom.
You're being a bitch.
No, no, listen to me.
She's inside me.
And,
she's sick.
She's not well.
JULIE: What? TED: Okay,
very funny. You and Joe
smoked a little wacky weed.
That's fine. I'm not mad.
Just open the door.
I'll get help. TED: Okay.
I'll get help.
TED: Help to undo the door.
Okay, thanks sweetie.
Um, do me a favor,
don't get Mr. Montalto.
Can't deal with
that prick right now.
Okay, well...
I didn't wanna ruin this door
but looks like I have no choice.
It's okay, girls. Yeah.
You can just stay where you are.
Don't worry.
I got this.
[TED SCREAMING]
Ow! Oh!
You're welcome, girls.
You're welcome.
RILEY: Mom!
What the fuck.
Where is she?
Hello? Mom.
Ugh!
Oh, my God!
My wedding is in nice weeks.
TED: Sometimes that shark,
he looks right at ya.
Right in your eyes.
The thing about a shark's eyes,
is the lifeless eyes.
Black, doll's eyes.
I think I just saw a coyote.
TED: And then he comes at you.
Doesn't even seem to be living.
Till he bites you.
TED: Oh, and then
those black eyes...
Mom hasn't done shit
to clean up her office.
Benny's gonna be so mad at me.
Why are we out here? We needed air.
The ocean turns red.
You hear that horrible,
high-pitched screaming...
Do you remember that
Daddy Yankee song Gasolina
that we loved so much
in high school?
Yeah.
Benny doesn't even remember it.
'Cause he was 40
when it came out.
It's okay.
It's not the best song.
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
[CREAKING]
RILEY: Probably up there,
burrowing in her receipts.
Julie, will you please do
that show in Brooklyn with me?
I know it's embarrassing,
but it could be really fun,
and I could really use
the money right now, honestly.
Riley,
you have to learn to say no to
things that you don't wanna do.
That's how you get the things
that you do want.
Okay, but I'm not
in the same boat as you.
I can't just say no
because I don't want it.Sorry.
It's too embarrassing, okay?
You gotta let go
of the Sweet Sisters.
Uh, "Let it go," yeah, I
have.[TED MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
I've tried. I've tried to forget
it ever happened.
It did nothing good for me. Or me.
Yeah, but you managed
to work afterwards,
whereas, I, yeah, I have to do
the, "Look what she looks
like now" shit over and over.
And yeah, I don't like it. It's depressing.
It's not all I have.
JULIE: Riley!
[POT FALLS AND BREAKS]
Oh, my God.
TED: Are you all right?
I-I think so.Wow.
What happened?
The flower pot
almost fell on Riley.
Uh, what's with
the knife there, Lorena Bobbitt.
I was cutting watermelon
with Joe,
and he had to go home.
You're high.
She's totally high, right?
Julie, what happened
to your face?
W-What do you mean?
It's not your face anymore.
It's been butchered.
You've paid doctors
to slice up your face,
and it doesn't look good, honey.
It looks bad. It's one
of those fake faces.
That's what you have now,
is a fake face.
Okay, you know, I think maybe we've
had a little too much to drink.
And your lips.
Whose lips are those?
Who do they belong to?
They're not your lips.
Come into this world
with a beautiful face,
and you wanna slice it all up.
Who do you belong to?
Okay, all right, this is...
That's enough of this.
Let me have it.
Let me have the knife. Get off of me.
Let...[CLARA MUMBLING]
Jesus. And you. You're the
worst of them.
How? You know me.
You knew me.
Girls.
I think your mom
needs a little water.
TED: Let's, let's get mom
some water. Will you? Please?
Honey. Honey.
Here, sit down. Just sit down.
So, what's uh,
what's going on with you?
I mean,
everything's gonna be okay.
We'll sober up. We always do.
Sort of.
And you're wrong.
I do know you, honey.
I still know you.
I'm no one.
I'm no one to you anymore.
You can't even see me.
Okay.
JULIE: Ollie! What the hell is that?
What? What was that?
What the hell was that?
We just found him
eating brownies.
Why the hell would you
give him brownies?
You know they're not
good for him.
We didn't! Mom must have, or Joe.
Where the fuck is Mom?
She's on the porch. Clara.
Clara, you better come in here.
JULIE: Who did this to you?
JULIE: Oh, boy. Clara!
Shit, I'll go get her.
Oh, boy, you can't die.
It's his birthday.
TED: Clara.
Clara, did you...
Oh, fuck.
[GIRLS CRYING]
Okay, did she come back in here?
No. Mom, Ollie is gonna die!
Riley, here,
put Ollie in the car.
Julie, come with me,
we're gonna find mom.
Okay.
Clara.
[RILEY CRYING]
TED: Clara.
JULIE: Mom.
TED: Clara, come on.
JULIE: Where are you?
JULIE: Mom! This isn't okay!
TED: Clara.
[CAR HORN BLARING]
TED: Clar...
[TED SIGHS]
And she's gone.
[DOGS BARKING]
[HUMMING]
What the hell is that?
It's a bunny.
[SIGHS] They said
to give it 24 hours.
I'm scared. She's so trashed.
I've got a killer hemorrhoid
going on.
I hope they have
something here for me.
JULIE: I'm worried about
where Mom is.
Why? Because we can't find Mom.
We can. True, true.
Okay.
Where's Clara?
We don't know right now.
Um...
Okay, well, Ollie is very weak.
We've been pumping his stomach,
but he's not breathing too well.
You should call Clara, Ted.
Hey, Ted.
Mmm.
What the... You guys,
he ingested a lot of chocolate
and he already has a bad heart.
How did this happen?
Someone left a plate
of brownies on the floor.
Who did that?
We don't know.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
Hello?
Oh, okay, great.
There's a drunk lady
at the police station.
Clara. [LAUGHING]
Um, can I call you a cab?
Thank you so much.
Can I have my magazine?
You can sit right here,
you're ex-wife...
Right here.
Fuck you! Fucking morons.
Look, want a show?
Fucking perverted.
[LADY SCREAMING]
Get out,
fucking the dicks, shits.
She's lovely, but uh,
that's not Clara.
Mom never wears jean shorts.
It's kinda sad.
I'd love to see her
in some sexy denim cutoffs.
Okay, thank you, Julie.
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
[COYOTE HOWLING]
[COYOTES HOWLING]
[COYOTES HOWLING]
RILEY: Mom!
Clara!
Mom!
What are some of Mom's hotspots?
Oh, come on, honey, you know
we never leave this place.
Home Depot. What?
All the men there
have boners for Mom.
Ugh, please. JULIE: I bet it's true.
What about the coyotes?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
It's Mom's.
Mom's shirt.
It's got blood on it.
Dad, do something.
Okay, girls.
I want you to go back
to the house now.
We'll pick up Ollie and,
we'll find Mom.
We'll figure this out.
JULIE: Oh.RILEY: Oh.
No, we found her bloody shirt.
Yeah, it's bloody.
And there are coyotes.
Oh, Mom, Mom!
[CELL PHONE VIBRATING]
It's her phone.
I'm gonna call you back.
[CELL PHONE CONTINUES
TO VIBRATE]
Hello?
Hi there, this is Richard Gardner
of the Gardner Family Wine company.
We received your very kind
and thoughtful message,
uh, Clara and wanted
to reach out directly
and answer your question about
our unique fruity flavor
but, also just thank you
for calling in.
It was just really nice.
You're welcome.
So, an officer is gonna
meet us by the stone wall.
Still no word from Joe?
He ruined everything.
You should not get your weed
from him anymore, Ri.
TED: Clara.
Clara.
It's okay.
Come here, come on.
Come on, honey. Come here.
You know, it was cold out there.
I bet.
But it felt good?
I thought I was gonna have
a panic attack.
Yeah, I'm hung over already.
JULIE: So is Ollie.
They were in your closet
this whole time.
I know.
He's the best of all of us.
Hey, Mom, you didn't give
Ollie brownies, did you?
No, of course not.
JULIE: It must have
been Poo-poo.
So fucked up.
Oh, you get in here, girl.
Come on, now.
Park her right in there.
You know, Clara,
if this was a cry for attention,
we should have picked
a busier town.
Old Lyme falls asleep
by 9:00 p.m.
JULIE: Good night, family.
Love you.
RILEY: Good night, love you.
Love you, girls.
Sleep well.
[WHISPERS] I love you.
ADELIA: [WHISPERS] Clara.
[ GEORGY GIRLPLAYING]