Class Reunion (1982) Movie Script
Go, go! Go!
Okay, Walter, Hubert says
it's time for some shine.
Come on, Walter, I got to talk to you.
We know where you're going!
No, you don't!
Man, am I blasted!
- How are you?
- Good, man.
You know, I was just talking
to Meredith about death.
- She's kind of hot for your bod.
- Are you jiving me?
No, I'm not.
As a matter of fact, she's in that convertible
right over there, right now, waiting for you.
Yeah, she said
she wanted to give you a hand.
But listen, I'll try to tell you what.
Meredith is kind of modest.
So you're going to have to wear this, okay?
But don't worry about being a fool
or anything because she's wearing one, too.
Thanks, Bob.
No problem. Go get them, slugger.
He went for it!
Is this Christie? I can't believe it.
Look who's here!
You look adorable this evening.
Have fun.
Oh, no, this isn't Kate.
I don't believe it!
You aren't fat anymore. Good for you!
- You recognize any of these people?
- No. Who are you?
- I'm Carl, man, your best friend.
- Oh, Carl! What's happening?
You got it all.
I knew we had a lot of bozos in this class.
But so many?
So far, we're still the
prettiest ones here.
- Meredith!
- Bunny!
I'm so excited!
You said you weren't coming.
I came from a TV commercial for UnderBuns
Sanifresh All-Cotton Pale Pantyhose.
Would I miss all this?
- Yeah, I remember you.
- But do you recognize any of these people?
No.
We go to high school with them.
Yeah, but that was 10 years ago.
But where have we been since then?
I don't know.
Time goes by fast when you're having fun.
- Where have you been?
- I don't know.
- I'll see you inside.
- Wait! Your name tag.
What am I talking about?
Everybody knows you.
Bye.
She's a fun person, isn't she?
Let's look her up in the yearbook.
I was so pretty, wasn't I?
Hello, darling. So, what do you
think of our little shindig?
Gala, just gala.
Why do you always have to be so negative?
Who is being negative? It is a run-down
old gym filled with a bunch of weirdo-es.
You yourself said the high school
had to be closed down...
because your oddball class
scandalized the community.
Yeah, but that was 10 years ago.
People change.
Hey, Big Bob, how's it hanging?
How's it going, Big Bob?
- Can't complain, Hubert. And you?
- Couldn't be better.
Hey, you still get a lot of ass?
You always were a suave
and soigne guy, Hubert.
Hey, this your main squeeze, Big Bob?
I'm sorry. Hubert, this is my good friend,
Jane Washburn.
- Jane, darling, this is Hubert Downs.
- Pleased to meet you, Jane.
You got nice big jugs.
We have to run along now, Hubert.
Me, too, guy. I got to go get shitfaced.
- He is absolutely gross.
- Take it as a compliment.
- Is everybody here?
- Well, I guess everyone who's anyone.
Let's party.
Wait a minute. Hi.
Mary Beth, Bunny, it's me, Gary Nash.
May I help you?
I'm Gary Nash.
I was in this class.
Bunny, I graduated with you. Remember?
No.
Mary Beth, I think we better check
the yearbook on this one.
Well, I got an invitation in the mail.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Barry.
- Gary.
Forgive me.
Mary Beth, you want to get
Jerry here a name tag?
- But there aren't any name tags left.
- Oh, darn.
Well, I've got an idea.
We'll just improvise a name tag, huh?
Isn't that awful? We just ran out.
Isn't that the way it always is?
Listen, have a super time.
- Thank you.
- You're bad!
You should've seen me
in our convention in New York.
Come on, let's go get wild.
- Well, who have we here?
- Oh, Bobby.
Let's go to first base.
Oh, my God, look at you. You look terrific.
Well, lacrosse. Right for the old breadbox.
Excuse me.
Darling, you forgot to introduce us.
- Oh, yeah.
- I am Jane. You must be the old flame.
- How do you do?
- Robert and I are engaged.
It's been announced.
It's not really official.
We haven't ordered the tent yet.
Darling, the thank-you notes for our bed
and bath shower are already in the mail.
Tell me.
How does it feel to see yourself on TV
wearing only inexpensive pantyhose?
- Well, I watch TV so seldom that I...
- Hi.
Bartender, could I have
one of those pink and pretty things?
You can, lady.
Delores Salk, is that you?
Didn't you used to be crippled?
- My disease went away.
- Well, God bless Jerry Lewis.
Jerry Lewis had nothing to do with it.
I sold my soul to the devil.
Good for you.
Of course, I'm still not feeling a 100%.
I get these terrible attacks.
Well, probably not enough
fiber in your diet.
- Let me light that for you.
- Thank you.
It's been super seeing you again...
and I'm so glad you got rid
of those awful leg braces.
They were so unattractive.
Ciao!
God, I hate that bitch!
Who does she think she is?
- Hi, Bunny.
- I think it's going rather well, don't you?
Wait till you see the program
that Bob and I have planned.
My God!
- Oh, my God!
- Here, let me help.
I had one of these at Club Med once.
It just infuriates me!
Let me help.
- What a mess!
- I think I'll have one of those.
Whatever happened to us?
I don't know, but it's happening again.
- What are we going to do?
- Everything.
Hey, you don't got no Jell-O.
The State says you got to have Jell-O.
I'm so happy you asked me to come out
of retirement to be here this evening.
Well, we were so happy you were available.
May I give you some of this?
I'm so sorry, forgive me. I had no idea.
- Have some salad. It's delicious.
- Give me some food.
Iris, be careful. Let me take your tray.
No, Iris, watch it.
Pardon?
Let me have it. I'll do it. Have some
of my special spaghetti with liver sauce.
And some sweet and sour creamed corn.
My own recipe.
You'll have to speak up.
My hearing aid's having fits.
It keeps going in and out and in and out.
Are you having a good time?
No, they passed away two years ago.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Nice meeting you again.
- Come on, Sampson.
- Bon apptit, honey.
Hi, honey. Careful of my hair.
I have a new friend.
Fritz Shears, this is my husband, Jeff.
- Hi.
- How do you do?
I don't believe we've met.
I'm Mrs. Shears.
Then you know Fritz.
Only too well.
Fritz sells insurance.
Isn't it fascinating?
Excuse me, Fritz is analyzing our needs.
- I'm wringing wet.
- Where?
Honey, Fritz thinks we're under-protected.
Now, let's see here: Home, auto, and...
- life.
- Life.
Take care of it, honey.
Excuse me.
Did you say something?
Excuse me.
Did you send a naked picture of yourself
into a men's magazine?
- You saw it?
- I ate it.
What? The food's ready. Oh, goody!
Come on, honey, let's go.
Come on, you two.
You kids look like you haven't had
a good cafeteria meal in years.
No chicken for me, please.
Hey, Mrs. T., this food looks
almost good enough to eat.
- Find me a phone, will you?
- You got it.
I don't believe this. Milt!
Little Miltie Friedman.
- It's like a time machine.
- Yeah.
- I can't believe it.
- I know, it's 10 years.
You look so different.
I didn't recognize you.
I don't recognize you.
I'm Gary Nash.
Come on, we were best friends.
We were?
- Blood brothers since the second grade.
- Here you go.
- Blood brothers?
- Yeah, you...
Operator? I want to make a collect call.
You remember that time in high school,
Patsy McClap...
What?
If you need help finding a number
that isn't in your phone book...
please stay on the line.
And if you're looking for a phone
that works, go the principal's office.
- This is a recording.
- It was in high school...
- Oh, great.
- What?
Where's the principal's office?
Right where it's always been.
Down the foyer to the right.
Great. Thanks...
- Gary.
- Gary, great. Thanks.
What can I possibly say
about tonight's entertainment...
except that it was my idea.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the king of rock 'n' roll, Chuck Berry!
Hello, Operator?
Damn phone company. I'd have more luck
with two cans and a string.
Here's your string, Milt!
We didn't get to do the Funky Chicken.
That's where I really get down.
- That dancing really makes me hungry.
- Tell me about it.
Remember what they used to say
in Bible school about rock 'n' roll.
I feel so guilty.
It's my favorite song.
Aren't you supposed to be
setting up the slide show?
Mary Beth was just starting to go for me.
- Get up there.
- Somebody broke my foot.
It's two for a dollar.
Give me a dollar, I'll give you my car.
Hit it!
Good evening.
Wonderful! Bob, are you ready
for our little trip down memory lane?
With a co-host
that's as lovely as Ms. Bunny Packard...
our charming name tag chairperson,
you bet I am!
You wanna take a trip to Bozoland?
On with the show!
Let's begin with a picture
of our lovely homecoming queen.
We all remember...
- Who is that?
- God, I wish I knew.
Mr. Smarty Pants,
I could just shake you, mister!
You're really a dork!
Now put up the next slide.
The class of '72...
distinguished itself in the area
of public service...
with our super-successful blood drive.
Headed for four years by a graduate...
of Lizzie Borden High's night school
vocational training program...
a very dedicated guy...
Egon Von Stoker.
We're still grateful for that, Egon.
Glory comes to Borden High
in many different packages.
Right on, Bun.
- It's great to see you again.
- But as packages go...
there's nothing square
about these two guys.
Carl Clapton and Chip Hendrix...
who were cited for the experimental farm
they set up...
behind the football bleachers.
Super!
- Here's another one.
- That freaks me out.
All right, you guys.
I had to have help on this one.
What boy in our class
never took gym and why?
- It was Chris Beckerman.
- Right.
But why didn't he take gym?
Today Chris is the mother of three
living in Spokane, Washington.
Isn't that fun?
And now, here is Iris Augen...
winner of the Lightweight Club
Junior Marksmanship Award.
Super!
Isn't Iris' outfit just fabulous, Bob?
- Yeah.
- I bet she picked it out herself.
Where's my dog?
Isn't that fun?
Sampson!
And remember Ziggy Klein
who set the school underwater...
- Way to go!
- Bravo!
Excuse me.
Can you tell me who's in charge here?
The guy up there on the podium.
- Bob Spinnaker.
- Thank you.
Here's our very own projectionist,
Hubert Downs...
on the occasion of his third anniversary
as a sophomore.
In search of talent,
Borden High has more...
Do you mind?
- Get the show going on.
- We got a show here, get out of the way.
Sorry, Bun.
This is outrageous.
Let's get back to the fun.
- Don't you realize you're interrupting?
- I realize that.
Who the hell are you?
You are Robert Spinnaker.
Former class president.
As a matter of fact, that is right.
Four years running.
Present day yacht salesman.
More of a yacht broker, really.
- Why? Are you in the market?
- No.
In terms of talent, Borden High
certainly had more than its fair share.
Who could ever forget...
Milt Friedman's magic
at the Senior Talent Fair? Remember that?
Milt, are you here? Stand
up, Milt, come on.
What's going on here?
Somebody turn on the light!
All right, please, I can explain all this!
I am Dr. Robert Young...
from the hospital for
the criminally insane.
Somebody do something!
The reunion's bombing!
Holy smoke, it's locked!
What's happening?
All the doors have been locked!
We know a way out!
Dope!
Me and Carl will get
real high and escape...
and save everyone.
Maybe.
I know CPR.
What's this all about?
It's all about...
mental illness, Mr. Spinnaker.
I'm here concerning a former classmate
of yours. You may remember him.
Walter Baylor.
Squirrelly little dude.
He was institutionalized
shortly after graduating from here.
He committed a heinous crime
against his parents...
with an upright vacuum cleaner.
That crime...
was related to an incident that occurred
at your senior class party.
- An incident that all of you were involved in.
- Yeah, but...
we were young and crazy.
Besides we were just having a good time,
weren't we?
Things may have gotten
a little out of hand...
but we were drunk, weren't we, Hubert?
Besides, it was just a joke!
It's too late for apologies
and explanations, Mr. Spinnaker.
The damage is done.
It's time to pipe the payer.
Do you know who that girl was?
Yeah, she was some trampy girl
from Catholic school.
- Do you know who that girl was?
- I just told you.
That girl...
was Walter Baylor's twin sister!
- Oh, shit!
- Mr. Spinnaker...
- are you a religious man?
- Certainly not. Episcopalian.
So am I.
Mr. Spinnaker...
Bob...
do you value your life?
Are you kidding?
I love my life!
Whether we live or die
is up to all of us right now.
From this moment on.
So let's get to work.
We need some volunteers
to find our way out of here.
Come on! Where's your old school spirit?
Can't you just smell the tension?
- Great, there's a volunteer.
- Good.
That's our two group leaders.
Wait a minute!
I can't just abandon my leadership
position. These people are counting on me.
You're wasting time.
All right, but I'm not going alone.
My father didn't spend all that money
to keep me out of Vietnam...
- just so I could die in my old high school!
- Any more volunteers?
Are you crazy?
You're a girl and you'll twist your ankles!
- Count me in.
- I'll go.
Me, too.
Anybody else want to go wander
around dark lonely hallways?
- I do.
- Me, too.
All right, who else is man enough
to volunteer?
- Me.
- Good girl, Delores.
- Now, who else?
- Where we going?
- I don't know.
- Don't be bashful.
Bob, before I volunteer,
I just wanna make sure that...
would the women feel safer
if I stayed behind to protect them?
All right!
All volunteers to the foyer.
Here, Sam!
All right.
I want this group to head upstairs
and search out...
all open windows and doors.
And remember...
Walter Baylor is a dangerous man.
- I'll remember.
- I'm telling you...
there aren't any open windows.
Now this group, I want you to go
in the opposite direction.
I want you to try to break out.
In the meantime...
I'll try to find Walter Baylor before...
- Before?
- You know.
I don't want panic. Honey, move your buns.
Make that secure.
I don't want anybody getting in here.
I have something to tell you.
I shall do my utmost to
protect your safety.
He must be carrying a gun.
My virility is my only weapon.
We are in deep you-know-what.
No. I can't die!
I haven't been to Europe yet.
I haven't seen a Broadway play.
I have six more pounds to lose!
I have a beauty parlor appointment
on Monday!
Mary Beth, you'll get mascara
all over your dress.
I can't handle this!
Yes, you can.
What should I do?
You just stay here,
and if you see anybody, then you yell.
What should I do?
- You just do the same thing as Carl.
- What's he doing?
I've already explained this a couple
of times. You gotta stay with me.
This is very serious business.
We could all die.
- Oh, shit!
- That's tonnage.
You didn't say nothing about death.
Okay. Now, both of you, Chip...
Carl, you stay here, wait here.
- Don't move. You stay right here, okay?
- Right.
If you see anybody, you yell.
You yell loud. You go, "Gary!"
Just like that.
Only louder.
Not now, wait till you see someone.
You guys are gonna work it out. I know.
I'm proud of you guys.
- You got it.
- No problem.
What was that guy's name again?
- I don't know.
- Me, too.
But lift the book and fire this joint, man.
I don't like it when he yells at us.
He wasn't yelling at me,
he was yelling at you.
- He was looking at you.
- Well, he was yelling at you.
Use me!
Alone at last.
Be tender, be passionate!
Be gentle, be romantic.
Be quiet.
Do something, you two. Don't you realize
there is a killer on the loose?
Give me this.
- Thank you.
- You got it.
What did she say?
I think she said
this is some killer stuff we're smoking.
I like her.
- She's nice.
- She's got nice legs.
I don't see why I couldn't have sat up
front. I do have my own firm and...
What are you doing?
What is that supposed to mean?
Oh, my God, stop breathing on me.
I think we ought to go back
and die with the others.
- I think we ought to die here.
- Stop yakking!
My God! Be grateful we're safe.
I have a kind of fun idea.
Why don't we sing a song?
I don't wanna sing a song.
They're really great for troubled times.
So come on, what do you say?
Mary Beth, I know this is gonna
make you feel better and...
- Jane, I bet you've got a great voice.
- Come on, let's do it.
Who's there?
Mrs. Tabazooski?
Walter's here!
Come on, everybody!
Remember when we wore these
in the high school play?
Remember when we made love
Hawaiian style?
Jeff, I have no lust left in me
That's okay, because I've got enough left
for the whole school!
You better run!
What Carl Jung was trying to say
is that trapped inside of each of us,
there is a woman
that comes out when we fuck up real bad
You mean, there's a woman
trapped inside of me?
A black woman or a white woman?
A Jewish woman
I don't know
You mean, when I fuck up as a man,
the woman inside comes out?
Look, now do you understand
what I'm talking about?
No
Man, have you ever thought of me
as a woman?
No, but I have thought of you
as a farm animal
I don't know about you guys,
but I'm pulling into a gas station
I haven't taken a dump in four days
Do you actually eat with that mouth?
Listen, we go back
we'll tell them that we checked every
dorm window and they were all locked
They'll never know we tried only two
Do you really think they'll buy that?
- Yeah
- So ignorant, they probably will
Those are my friends you're talking about
Any asshole in a pair of Calvins
could be your friend
Let me tell you a thing or two,
Miss Delores Salk
I wasn't the one this class voted
"Most Likely To Betray Her Country"
- Feminist
- Weirdo
Virgin
- Who told you that?
- Everybody
Can't you stop this senseless bickering?
Go get bent!
If you tell that to anybody,
I'll get my lawyer involved!
Where are you?
Where's my cane?
- Did you scream?
- No, man
Let's go get some food
- I'm hungry
- Me, too
This is an emergency
I gotta have something to eat
Rabbit food
I don't want that
I'm so hungry I could eat a horse
Why don't we find some real food,
like some roast beef?
Dig in
How about some roasted old lady?
- Holy shit!
- Holy shit!
Meredith's old locker
Unburied treasure
What chance have I got?
Oh, well, souvenir
I remember this sweater
Ten years, it still smells sexy
I know you're busy in the gym
How about a couple of quick steps
around the hallway?
Oh, yes, Gary
Hold me
Take my arm
That's perfect Do you want me to lead?
I'll lead
Don't be nervous I know
it's our first dance
I feel so safe with you
Just hang onto me, baby
- I will
- Here we go
- Is it heaven for you?
- Dreamland
You dance so well, I
feel like I'm floating
- Are you ready to fly?
- Oh, yes
Kind of fancy, huh?
Here's a move
my father made on my mother
I love it when you spin me
I'm dizzy Don't stop
- Hubert Downs
- You recognized me
Hubert, I haven't felt you in years
- How have you been?
- Not half bad You?
- You'll have to speak up
- How have you been?
I didn't vote Republican, either
Iris, listen
Since you're on another planet,
in terms of speech and sight
I'm gonna try to read your mind
and you try to read mine
Okay? That's right
Concentrate real hard
That's good
I'm gonna concentrate hard, too
Let me have it! Come here
Hubert, not here
- Not here
- Where then?
- In the woodshop?
- Great When?
- In 10 minutes
- Cross your heart and swear to die?
Cross my heart and swear to die
The woodshop in 10 minutes I'm gonna
go to the john I'll be right back
I appreciate the compliment
A pretty set of bongos
is a pretty set of bongos
I bet he's hung better
than my gynecologist
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned
It's been one year
since my last confession
Father, I have on occasion
used foul language
I have lied Not just little white lies
but great big sinful ones
I shoplift all the time, Father
- Darling
- And I'm an exhibitionist, Father
I like to expose myself to strangers
Especially authority figures
I hold the neighborhood record
for most repairmen satisfied
in a single afternoon
I own an enormous collection
of vibrators, Father
I have them in all assorted sizes I have
one that's in the shape of a crucifix
My God, it's gorgeous
I put pictures up on the wall
of all kinds of things
I listen to Barry Manilow,
and over and over again
I think of priests and nuns in that movie,
The Exorcist How did it go?
Huben?
I am all ready
- Hubert?
- No, it's Gary
- Gary?
- You remember Gary Nash?
Your pimples are all gone
I always liked you, Gary
I always liked you, too, Iris,
but we have to be very quiet now
I wish I could, but I have
a previous engagement with Hubert
Well, that's okay Why don't we
get these buckets off first?
Here we go Upsy-daisy!
Do you suppose
maybe I have time for one dance?
Maybe Hubert will be late
Maybe Hubert won't get here at all
Is this a slow dance or a fast dance?
I can't hear the beat
I'll get the dress, you get the panties
No, Iris, keep your clothes on, please!
- Stay quiet
- Don't think twice about it
I'm over 21 and I have my own apartment
We have to get back to the gym
I've gotta get the tools
Rules at a time like this?
There are no rules
Not "rules " "Tools " Iris
Tools That's kinky
I'll get the tools and I'll be right back,
all right?
We forgot all about Hubert
- We have to find Hubert
- Well, we're going to find him now
- Who the hell cares if we find him or not?
- My God, can't you be quiet?
It's my personal safety
we're talking about
What the hell are you doing?
You're jeopardizing the
safety of the group
I, for one, am not going to die
so that you can take a nice leisurely
evacuation
Listen, Superman
Are you gonna keep an eye out
for the forces of evil while I go tidy up?
- I feel ugly
- No problem, Bun
Me, too
Argumentative ninnies
Excuse me!
How gross!
There, there, Bunny
Poor, ignorant bastard
Should I cremate him?
No!
What happened to him?
Seems as though Walter Baylor
has struck again
At least he died in the girls' convenience
and not on the battlefield somewhere
You know, you're really terribly attractive
when you're frightened, Bunny
So are you
I see London, I see France,
I see Bunny's underpants
Where am I?
I should have left a trail of bread crumbs
Hello!
No
Right, how are we supposed
to get through all this?
Why don't we go into a classroom
and break through the wall?
Where do you come up with this stuff?
TV
- Actually, it sounds quite reasonable
- Come on!
Is it reasonable to go creeping around
in dark classrooms?
Dark hallways are bad enough!
Bob, what's the difference?
Right again
Well, at least the door's unlocked
After you, Lumpy
How did you do that?
All right, Hubert, let's get to it
Let's see you
break through the wall or something
I'm injured
Do you realize I've injured myself?
Bunny, watch out!
Hubert, grow up!
- What are we supposed to do now?
- Bunny, watch this
Biology Lab straight ahead
- Thank you, Delores
- Yeah
- Can you do that out your ass?
- You wish
This guy ought to be in
a mental institution
Your travail does not diminish your beauty
The only way you're going to touch me
is if I'm dead
I'll be back
I don't know what's worse:
This reunion or my marriage
You know, I've decided that the only thing
that I like about my life
is my wardrobe
- I thought you had a wonderful marriage
- I lied
This is a reunion
Actually, my husband ran off two years ago
with a male model
You need some milk and cookies
Excuse me
Your travail does not diminish your beauty
I'm engaged It's been announced
- Congratulations
- Thank you Excuse me
Have a nice day
Your travail does not diminish your beauty
This old travail? I've had it for years
Your very presence fills
my tuxedo with joy
I feel as if I've known you
for a thousand years!
That's something
I hardly remember you from high school
Would you like to dance?
But there's no music
We'll dance to the music of our passion
I want you
I can't It's that time of month
Oh, my-
Jeff Cindy
This is crazy
We're trapped like rats
in here, I tell you
It's absolutely unbearable
Bigger, bigger
Will you stop that?
I've had it Be quiet
Hubert has his hand where it shouldn't be
Please remove it, Hubert
Bunny, it's not my hand
Bob, will you do something?
Hubert, whatever it is, move it
Okay, Big Bob, you got it
- Not there
- Over here
Hi, there
Did you find him?
No luck How about you?
Hubert saw him
Yeah, I think he dented my brains
This is not working out
Walter Baylor is no fool
Wait a minute I've got an idea
Let's go back to the gym
We've got to counteract
his psychiatric psychopathia
with some elementary psychology
Great Yeah, elementary psych
I took that at Yale
How nice
All right 0-69
All right, next number
I-24
Thank you, darling
G-59
Bingo!
Just a minute,
we have to verify the card, please
We don't have a winner
unless we verify the card
It's okay, folks B-12
Right I-17
N-35
Open up, it's us
Somebody open that door
- Open up!
- It's all right It's our classmates
Come on, let's help them!
Come on, put your backs into it
What on earth took you so long?
We could have been murdered
or mutilated, or stabbed to death
Thank God you're all right
Tell me it's over and we can all go home
Were any of the good people hurt?
Not so far as we know Except Hubert,
who got some more brain damage
What are we going to do?
I'm a yacht salesman, not a Green Beret
What's going to happen to us?
Look, on the upside
we're all still alive
Of course, on the downside,
we're all probably going to die
Delores, are you all right?
Don't you want a Valium?
Delores, I'm trying to help out here
Now, what seems to be the problem?
You know, actually
you could use a little lip gloss
And, I hope you don't mind,
a little dental floss
And I'd love to see you in short hair
What do you think?
Now, come on Nothing that drastic
Maybe a cucumber facial, they're marvelous
I'd love to arch these eyebrows,
clean up some of the strays here
I'd love to try a henna rinse on you
Because, face it, you got good bone
structure but you're not a pretty girl
I'm free!
Meredith
Walter Baylor told me
on a number of occasions
that you were the girl he thought he was
going to diddle at the senior class party
Is that true?
Doctor, it was all done behind my back
I never even did that act with guys I liked
for fear of overdeveloping my forearms
Right you are, ma'am
I'm afraid I have to
give it to you straight
You're the one he wants to kill
- But I've always been so popular
- I think you're missing the point
If I could use you
to lure Walter Baylor out of his hideout
Use me as bait?
No, I can't let you do that
That means the rest of you
could remain here safe and sound
- Sounds feasible
- It's the only chance we've got
Okay, I'll do it
Bob, stay here Keep everybody calm
- We're free! Hey, everybody!
- It's what's-his-name with the tools
Everybody! Hi
Where are the tools?
You marshmallow You jellyfish
- No, you don't understand
- I understand
Where have you been,
cowering in some corner?
Protecting your own worthless hide?
You disgust me
No, wait I found the tools
I opened the doors
Excuse me?
The doors are open Come on, we're free
Way to go Nice work
Everybody, I got the doors open! Let's go!
No, wait!
Wait a minute!
Why are you running? What about Walter?
- So?
- Iris
- What about him?
- Where's Dr Young?
I've been looking everywhere for you
Where's Meredith? Where is she?
She's with Dr Young Don't sweat it
What's she doing with him?
Who are you, her dad? She's fine
Maybe somebody should go tell them
we got the door open
Since Jerry here is so concerned,
why doesn't he go do it?
Think you can handle it, fellow?
There's something wrong
It doesn't make sense
- Are you scared?
- No
Don't worry about a thing
I know Walter Baylor intimately
Really?
Didn't you know he was going to kill Milt?
- Yes
- Then why didn't you try to stop him?
I couldn't find a parking spot
- It's really gross down here
- It certainly is
For a minute, I thought you were
Walter Baylor?
Yes
I am Walter Baylor
Oh, my God
Why didn't I realize this?
It's Dr Young! He's Walter!
Don't you see? It's not his face
Okey-dokey Another Borden alum
heads for the loony bin
Do you think that Meredith is all right?
Probably not
Someone's gotta do something
Here
- Are you gonna make me throw up?
- I want you to wear it
Just like you were gonna wear it for me
10 years ago, remember?
And then?
That's okay
It's not gonna be fun for you
It's gonna be rough, painful
I like it rough and painful
I live in New York
When I'm done, I'm gonna kill you
Now get undressed!
Are you crazy?
Have you all fallen out
of your respective trees?
That idiot's got you believing him
Bunny, please,
tell me you don't go along with this
Bob, you're a disgrace to the Class of '72
I second that
Robert, I am ashamed
Could you help me?
Please
They say that sex gets better as the
partners learn what each other enjoys
Will you shut up and get naked?
Do you have a hanger?
Oh, no Now we got company
Take it off
Okay Now don't move
I'll be right back
Gary
Walter!
I got him!
Hit him!
No!
I think he's dead
Oh, my-
I think these are yours
Thank you
Gary, you saved my life
Come on, let's get out of here
Hopefully, that's the last we'll see
of Walter Baylor
Now I am really mad!
I'm pretty modest, but it's okay
I know you're the kind of guy
who wouldn't peek
Ten years ago, if someone told me I would
be getting dressed in an elevator with you
I would have thought they were crazy
Don't get me wrong
It's just kind of funny
- How do I look?
- Great
There's just never a dull moment
here at Borden Hi, Walter
There
No!
Follow me
Get back or the girl gets it!
I'm warning you!
You make one move and she gets a hole
where she doesn't need one
Walter, can we see her naked
before you kill her?
Walter, let her go
I feel sure that
you haven't got any problems
that can't be worked out
Let me handle this
Listen, you're making a big deal
out of nothing
You're not unique, you know?
Everybody in the class
had sex with your sister
Shut up!
I think we'd better do what he says
You're still looking for trouble, Baylor?
Listen!
How about we all sing
the Borden Loyalty Song?
I didn't sing that fucking
song in school
and I ain't singing it for you, fuzz nuts!
- Sing!
- I don't remember the words
No problem
Borden High we'll always love
Come on, sing!
Now, you listen to me, Walter
We're not gonna take this anymore
We're serious
What you see standing here
is a class united
Brothers and sisters
bound together
by a mutual love and respect
You can kill one of us,
you can kill 10 of us
But, Walter, you can't kill all of us
Your terrorism has galvanized our spirit
into a collective will
It's no use, Walter We're a family!
His truth is marching on
Nice job!
Super job
Let me out of here!
Let's get him!
Maybe he's in one of these old classrooms
No, Bob, he's not in there
- I think he went this way
- Right behind you
Let me out of here!
You're all nuts Revenge sucks!
Excuse me
I hope you realize you're
in the ladies' room
Peace Keep back!
You let me out of here!
Bob, what happened?
I just threw the lily-livered weenie
through the wall
Quick, let's find him before
the cops get here and take all the credit
- Through the wall?
- Yeah
He went into the gym Come on
Let's go, quickly
Hurry up-
Walter, are you all right?
Not really
That probably isn't a very good place to be
if you're not feeling well
You could fall
What's it to you? You'd probably
all get a big kick out of it
No
Walter, listen to me
You are up there because of a foolish prank
pulled on you 10 years ago
I think I speak for the entire class
with the possible exception of the
people you killed tonight, when I say
we're sorry
We're sorry
Walter, if you come on down
I promise that if we're ever
in the shower together again
I won't snap your nuts with my towel
- Take it easy, Walter
- Come on
Walter, I think your ride is here
Do you wanna dance?
I appreciate the invitation
but I think I'm gonna stay right up here,
thank you
- I'm the one who's at fault here
- What?
I'm not perfect
I know you all thought I was, and so did I
I've seen tonight that I have flaws
No
Not physical flaws, God knows
but flaws nonetheless
I've hurt you deeply
I'd like to apologize
from the bottom of my heart
Bob Spinnaker?
Did you say you were sorry?
Hey, man, are you going
to the class reunion?
When is it?
- I think it's tonight
- Let's go home
I wonder what could have happened
to Jeff and Cindy
I don't know
But I do know that
you're an enormously attractive woman
Iris, how would you like to marry me?
Hubert, you mean it?
Sure, we'll settle down,
have a couple of kids
- One like you and one like me
- Perfect!
Of course I'm sincere about eternal life
I can go to the beauty parlor
three times a week
- from now till the end of time
- Only evenings
You should consider going into
public relations, Delores
You would be marvelous
Why? So I can be some tight-ass,
phony bitch like you?
Right
- You know, I like it Let's have lunch
- Good
Were you really serious about Meredith?
She was obviously taken with me,
what could I do?
I'm sorry I revealed what a coward you are
That's all right, darling I'll forgive
anything for the sake of old money
Meredith, would you I mean, could you
- Gary, are you asking me to marry you?
- Yeah
Yes, I'd love to be Mrs Gary
Nash Gary Nash
What a great bunch of kids!
Everybody, let's do the Walter!
Okay, Walter, Hubert says
it's time for some shine.
Come on, Walter, I got to talk to you.
We know where you're going!
No, you don't!
Man, am I blasted!
- How are you?
- Good, man.
You know, I was just talking
to Meredith about death.
- She's kind of hot for your bod.
- Are you jiving me?
No, I'm not.
As a matter of fact, she's in that convertible
right over there, right now, waiting for you.
Yeah, she said
she wanted to give you a hand.
But listen, I'll try to tell you what.
Meredith is kind of modest.
So you're going to have to wear this, okay?
But don't worry about being a fool
or anything because she's wearing one, too.
Thanks, Bob.
No problem. Go get them, slugger.
He went for it!
Is this Christie? I can't believe it.
Look who's here!
You look adorable this evening.
Have fun.
Oh, no, this isn't Kate.
I don't believe it!
You aren't fat anymore. Good for you!
- You recognize any of these people?
- No. Who are you?
- I'm Carl, man, your best friend.
- Oh, Carl! What's happening?
You got it all.
I knew we had a lot of bozos in this class.
But so many?
So far, we're still the
prettiest ones here.
- Meredith!
- Bunny!
I'm so excited!
You said you weren't coming.
I came from a TV commercial for UnderBuns
Sanifresh All-Cotton Pale Pantyhose.
Would I miss all this?
- Yeah, I remember you.
- But do you recognize any of these people?
No.
We go to high school with them.
Yeah, but that was 10 years ago.
But where have we been since then?
I don't know.
Time goes by fast when you're having fun.
- Where have you been?
- I don't know.
- I'll see you inside.
- Wait! Your name tag.
What am I talking about?
Everybody knows you.
Bye.
She's a fun person, isn't she?
Let's look her up in the yearbook.
I was so pretty, wasn't I?
Hello, darling. So, what do you
think of our little shindig?
Gala, just gala.
Why do you always have to be so negative?
Who is being negative? It is a run-down
old gym filled with a bunch of weirdo-es.
You yourself said the high school
had to be closed down...
because your oddball class
scandalized the community.
Yeah, but that was 10 years ago.
People change.
Hey, Big Bob, how's it hanging?
How's it going, Big Bob?
- Can't complain, Hubert. And you?
- Couldn't be better.
Hey, you still get a lot of ass?
You always were a suave
and soigne guy, Hubert.
Hey, this your main squeeze, Big Bob?
I'm sorry. Hubert, this is my good friend,
Jane Washburn.
- Jane, darling, this is Hubert Downs.
- Pleased to meet you, Jane.
You got nice big jugs.
We have to run along now, Hubert.
Me, too, guy. I got to go get shitfaced.
- He is absolutely gross.
- Take it as a compliment.
- Is everybody here?
- Well, I guess everyone who's anyone.
Let's party.
Wait a minute. Hi.
Mary Beth, Bunny, it's me, Gary Nash.
May I help you?
I'm Gary Nash.
I was in this class.
Bunny, I graduated with you. Remember?
No.
Mary Beth, I think we better check
the yearbook on this one.
Well, I got an invitation in the mail.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Barry.
- Gary.
Forgive me.
Mary Beth, you want to get
Jerry here a name tag?
- But there aren't any name tags left.
- Oh, darn.
Well, I've got an idea.
We'll just improvise a name tag, huh?
Isn't that awful? We just ran out.
Isn't that the way it always is?
Listen, have a super time.
- Thank you.
- You're bad!
You should've seen me
in our convention in New York.
Come on, let's go get wild.
- Well, who have we here?
- Oh, Bobby.
Let's go to first base.
Oh, my God, look at you. You look terrific.
Well, lacrosse. Right for the old breadbox.
Excuse me.
Darling, you forgot to introduce us.
- Oh, yeah.
- I am Jane. You must be the old flame.
- How do you do?
- Robert and I are engaged.
It's been announced.
It's not really official.
We haven't ordered the tent yet.
Darling, the thank-you notes for our bed
and bath shower are already in the mail.
Tell me.
How does it feel to see yourself on TV
wearing only inexpensive pantyhose?
- Well, I watch TV so seldom that I...
- Hi.
Bartender, could I have
one of those pink and pretty things?
You can, lady.
Delores Salk, is that you?
Didn't you used to be crippled?
- My disease went away.
- Well, God bless Jerry Lewis.
Jerry Lewis had nothing to do with it.
I sold my soul to the devil.
Good for you.
Of course, I'm still not feeling a 100%.
I get these terrible attacks.
Well, probably not enough
fiber in your diet.
- Let me light that for you.
- Thank you.
It's been super seeing you again...
and I'm so glad you got rid
of those awful leg braces.
They were so unattractive.
Ciao!
God, I hate that bitch!
Who does she think she is?
- Hi, Bunny.
- I think it's going rather well, don't you?
Wait till you see the program
that Bob and I have planned.
My God!
- Oh, my God!
- Here, let me help.
I had one of these at Club Med once.
It just infuriates me!
Let me help.
- What a mess!
- I think I'll have one of those.
Whatever happened to us?
I don't know, but it's happening again.
- What are we going to do?
- Everything.
Hey, you don't got no Jell-O.
The State says you got to have Jell-O.
I'm so happy you asked me to come out
of retirement to be here this evening.
Well, we were so happy you were available.
May I give you some of this?
I'm so sorry, forgive me. I had no idea.
- Have some salad. It's delicious.
- Give me some food.
Iris, be careful. Let me take your tray.
No, Iris, watch it.
Pardon?
Let me have it. I'll do it. Have some
of my special spaghetti with liver sauce.
And some sweet and sour creamed corn.
My own recipe.
You'll have to speak up.
My hearing aid's having fits.
It keeps going in and out and in and out.
Are you having a good time?
No, they passed away two years ago.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Nice meeting you again.
- Come on, Sampson.
- Bon apptit, honey.
Hi, honey. Careful of my hair.
I have a new friend.
Fritz Shears, this is my husband, Jeff.
- Hi.
- How do you do?
I don't believe we've met.
I'm Mrs. Shears.
Then you know Fritz.
Only too well.
Fritz sells insurance.
Isn't it fascinating?
Excuse me, Fritz is analyzing our needs.
- I'm wringing wet.
- Where?
Honey, Fritz thinks we're under-protected.
Now, let's see here: Home, auto, and...
- life.
- Life.
Take care of it, honey.
Excuse me.
Did you say something?
Excuse me.
Did you send a naked picture of yourself
into a men's magazine?
- You saw it?
- I ate it.
What? The food's ready. Oh, goody!
Come on, honey, let's go.
Come on, you two.
You kids look like you haven't had
a good cafeteria meal in years.
No chicken for me, please.
Hey, Mrs. T., this food looks
almost good enough to eat.
- Find me a phone, will you?
- You got it.
I don't believe this. Milt!
Little Miltie Friedman.
- It's like a time machine.
- Yeah.
- I can't believe it.
- I know, it's 10 years.
You look so different.
I didn't recognize you.
I don't recognize you.
I'm Gary Nash.
Come on, we were best friends.
We were?
- Blood brothers since the second grade.
- Here you go.
- Blood brothers?
- Yeah, you...
Operator? I want to make a collect call.
You remember that time in high school,
Patsy McClap...
What?
If you need help finding a number
that isn't in your phone book...
please stay on the line.
And if you're looking for a phone
that works, go the principal's office.
- This is a recording.
- It was in high school...
- Oh, great.
- What?
Where's the principal's office?
Right where it's always been.
Down the foyer to the right.
Great. Thanks...
- Gary.
- Gary, great. Thanks.
What can I possibly say
about tonight's entertainment...
except that it was my idea.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the king of rock 'n' roll, Chuck Berry!
Hello, Operator?
Damn phone company. I'd have more luck
with two cans and a string.
Here's your string, Milt!
We didn't get to do the Funky Chicken.
That's where I really get down.
- That dancing really makes me hungry.
- Tell me about it.
Remember what they used to say
in Bible school about rock 'n' roll.
I feel so guilty.
It's my favorite song.
Aren't you supposed to be
setting up the slide show?
Mary Beth was just starting to go for me.
- Get up there.
- Somebody broke my foot.
It's two for a dollar.
Give me a dollar, I'll give you my car.
Hit it!
Good evening.
Wonderful! Bob, are you ready
for our little trip down memory lane?
With a co-host
that's as lovely as Ms. Bunny Packard...
our charming name tag chairperson,
you bet I am!
You wanna take a trip to Bozoland?
On with the show!
Let's begin with a picture
of our lovely homecoming queen.
We all remember...
- Who is that?
- God, I wish I knew.
Mr. Smarty Pants,
I could just shake you, mister!
You're really a dork!
Now put up the next slide.
The class of '72...
distinguished itself in the area
of public service...
with our super-successful blood drive.
Headed for four years by a graduate...
of Lizzie Borden High's night school
vocational training program...
a very dedicated guy...
Egon Von Stoker.
We're still grateful for that, Egon.
Glory comes to Borden High
in many different packages.
Right on, Bun.
- It's great to see you again.
- But as packages go...
there's nothing square
about these two guys.
Carl Clapton and Chip Hendrix...
who were cited for the experimental farm
they set up...
behind the football bleachers.
Super!
- Here's another one.
- That freaks me out.
All right, you guys.
I had to have help on this one.
What boy in our class
never took gym and why?
- It was Chris Beckerman.
- Right.
But why didn't he take gym?
Today Chris is the mother of three
living in Spokane, Washington.
Isn't that fun?
And now, here is Iris Augen...
winner of the Lightweight Club
Junior Marksmanship Award.
Super!
Isn't Iris' outfit just fabulous, Bob?
- Yeah.
- I bet she picked it out herself.
Where's my dog?
Isn't that fun?
Sampson!
And remember Ziggy Klein
who set the school underwater...
- Way to go!
- Bravo!
Excuse me.
Can you tell me who's in charge here?
The guy up there on the podium.
- Bob Spinnaker.
- Thank you.
Here's our very own projectionist,
Hubert Downs...
on the occasion of his third anniversary
as a sophomore.
In search of talent,
Borden High has more...
Do you mind?
- Get the show going on.
- We got a show here, get out of the way.
Sorry, Bun.
This is outrageous.
Let's get back to the fun.
- Don't you realize you're interrupting?
- I realize that.
Who the hell are you?
You are Robert Spinnaker.
Former class president.
As a matter of fact, that is right.
Four years running.
Present day yacht salesman.
More of a yacht broker, really.
- Why? Are you in the market?
- No.
In terms of talent, Borden High
certainly had more than its fair share.
Who could ever forget...
Milt Friedman's magic
at the Senior Talent Fair? Remember that?
Milt, are you here? Stand
up, Milt, come on.
What's going on here?
Somebody turn on the light!
All right, please, I can explain all this!
I am Dr. Robert Young...
from the hospital for
the criminally insane.
Somebody do something!
The reunion's bombing!
Holy smoke, it's locked!
What's happening?
All the doors have been locked!
We know a way out!
Dope!
Me and Carl will get
real high and escape...
and save everyone.
Maybe.
I know CPR.
What's this all about?
It's all about...
mental illness, Mr. Spinnaker.
I'm here concerning a former classmate
of yours. You may remember him.
Walter Baylor.
Squirrelly little dude.
He was institutionalized
shortly after graduating from here.
He committed a heinous crime
against his parents...
with an upright vacuum cleaner.
That crime...
was related to an incident that occurred
at your senior class party.
- An incident that all of you were involved in.
- Yeah, but...
we were young and crazy.
Besides we were just having a good time,
weren't we?
Things may have gotten
a little out of hand...
but we were drunk, weren't we, Hubert?
Besides, it was just a joke!
It's too late for apologies
and explanations, Mr. Spinnaker.
The damage is done.
It's time to pipe the payer.
Do you know who that girl was?
Yeah, she was some trampy girl
from Catholic school.
- Do you know who that girl was?
- I just told you.
That girl...
was Walter Baylor's twin sister!
- Oh, shit!
- Mr. Spinnaker...
- are you a religious man?
- Certainly not. Episcopalian.
So am I.
Mr. Spinnaker...
Bob...
do you value your life?
Are you kidding?
I love my life!
Whether we live or die
is up to all of us right now.
From this moment on.
So let's get to work.
We need some volunteers
to find our way out of here.
Come on! Where's your old school spirit?
Can't you just smell the tension?
- Great, there's a volunteer.
- Good.
That's our two group leaders.
Wait a minute!
I can't just abandon my leadership
position. These people are counting on me.
You're wasting time.
All right, but I'm not going alone.
My father didn't spend all that money
to keep me out of Vietnam...
- just so I could die in my old high school!
- Any more volunteers?
Are you crazy?
You're a girl and you'll twist your ankles!
- Count me in.
- I'll go.
Me, too.
Anybody else want to go wander
around dark lonely hallways?
- I do.
- Me, too.
All right, who else is man enough
to volunteer?
- Me.
- Good girl, Delores.
- Now, who else?
- Where we going?
- I don't know.
- Don't be bashful.
Bob, before I volunteer,
I just wanna make sure that...
would the women feel safer
if I stayed behind to protect them?
All right!
All volunteers to the foyer.
Here, Sam!
All right.
I want this group to head upstairs
and search out...
all open windows and doors.
And remember...
Walter Baylor is a dangerous man.
- I'll remember.
- I'm telling you...
there aren't any open windows.
Now this group, I want you to go
in the opposite direction.
I want you to try to break out.
In the meantime...
I'll try to find Walter Baylor before...
- Before?
- You know.
I don't want panic. Honey, move your buns.
Make that secure.
I don't want anybody getting in here.
I have something to tell you.
I shall do my utmost to
protect your safety.
He must be carrying a gun.
My virility is my only weapon.
We are in deep you-know-what.
No. I can't die!
I haven't been to Europe yet.
I haven't seen a Broadway play.
I have six more pounds to lose!
I have a beauty parlor appointment
on Monday!
Mary Beth, you'll get mascara
all over your dress.
I can't handle this!
Yes, you can.
What should I do?
You just stay here,
and if you see anybody, then you yell.
What should I do?
- You just do the same thing as Carl.
- What's he doing?
I've already explained this a couple
of times. You gotta stay with me.
This is very serious business.
We could all die.
- Oh, shit!
- That's tonnage.
You didn't say nothing about death.
Okay. Now, both of you, Chip...
Carl, you stay here, wait here.
- Don't move. You stay right here, okay?
- Right.
If you see anybody, you yell.
You yell loud. You go, "Gary!"
Just like that.
Only louder.
Not now, wait till you see someone.
You guys are gonna work it out. I know.
I'm proud of you guys.
- You got it.
- No problem.
What was that guy's name again?
- I don't know.
- Me, too.
But lift the book and fire this joint, man.
I don't like it when he yells at us.
He wasn't yelling at me,
he was yelling at you.
- He was looking at you.
- Well, he was yelling at you.
Use me!
Alone at last.
Be tender, be passionate!
Be gentle, be romantic.
Be quiet.
Do something, you two. Don't you realize
there is a killer on the loose?
Give me this.
- Thank you.
- You got it.
What did she say?
I think she said
this is some killer stuff we're smoking.
I like her.
- She's nice.
- She's got nice legs.
I don't see why I couldn't have sat up
front. I do have my own firm and...
What are you doing?
What is that supposed to mean?
Oh, my God, stop breathing on me.
I think we ought to go back
and die with the others.
- I think we ought to die here.
- Stop yakking!
My God! Be grateful we're safe.
I have a kind of fun idea.
Why don't we sing a song?
I don't wanna sing a song.
They're really great for troubled times.
So come on, what do you say?
Mary Beth, I know this is gonna
make you feel better and...
- Jane, I bet you've got a great voice.
- Come on, let's do it.
Who's there?
Mrs. Tabazooski?
Walter's here!
Come on, everybody!
Remember when we wore these
in the high school play?
Remember when we made love
Hawaiian style?
Jeff, I have no lust left in me
That's okay, because I've got enough left
for the whole school!
You better run!
What Carl Jung was trying to say
is that trapped inside of each of us,
there is a woman
that comes out when we fuck up real bad
You mean, there's a woman
trapped inside of me?
A black woman or a white woman?
A Jewish woman
I don't know
You mean, when I fuck up as a man,
the woman inside comes out?
Look, now do you understand
what I'm talking about?
No
Man, have you ever thought of me
as a woman?
No, but I have thought of you
as a farm animal
I don't know about you guys,
but I'm pulling into a gas station
I haven't taken a dump in four days
Do you actually eat with that mouth?
Listen, we go back
we'll tell them that we checked every
dorm window and they were all locked
They'll never know we tried only two
Do you really think they'll buy that?
- Yeah
- So ignorant, they probably will
Those are my friends you're talking about
Any asshole in a pair of Calvins
could be your friend
Let me tell you a thing or two,
Miss Delores Salk
I wasn't the one this class voted
"Most Likely To Betray Her Country"
- Feminist
- Weirdo
Virgin
- Who told you that?
- Everybody
Can't you stop this senseless bickering?
Go get bent!
If you tell that to anybody,
I'll get my lawyer involved!
Where are you?
Where's my cane?
- Did you scream?
- No, man
Let's go get some food
- I'm hungry
- Me, too
This is an emergency
I gotta have something to eat
Rabbit food
I don't want that
I'm so hungry I could eat a horse
Why don't we find some real food,
like some roast beef?
Dig in
How about some roasted old lady?
- Holy shit!
- Holy shit!
Meredith's old locker
Unburied treasure
What chance have I got?
Oh, well, souvenir
I remember this sweater
Ten years, it still smells sexy
I know you're busy in the gym
How about a couple of quick steps
around the hallway?
Oh, yes, Gary
Hold me
Take my arm
That's perfect Do you want me to lead?
I'll lead
Don't be nervous I know
it's our first dance
I feel so safe with you
Just hang onto me, baby
- I will
- Here we go
- Is it heaven for you?
- Dreamland
You dance so well, I
feel like I'm floating
- Are you ready to fly?
- Oh, yes
Kind of fancy, huh?
Here's a move
my father made on my mother
I love it when you spin me
I'm dizzy Don't stop
- Hubert Downs
- You recognized me
Hubert, I haven't felt you in years
- How have you been?
- Not half bad You?
- You'll have to speak up
- How have you been?
I didn't vote Republican, either
Iris, listen
Since you're on another planet,
in terms of speech and sight
I'm gonna try to read your mind
and you try to read mine
Okay? That's right
Concentrate real hard
That's good
I'm gonna concentrate hard, too
Let me have it! Come here
Hubert, not here
- Not here
- Where then?
- In the woodshop?
- Great When?
- In 10 minutes
- Cross your heart and swear to die?
Cross my heart and swear to die
The woodshop in 10 minutes I'm gonna
go to the john I'll be right back
I appreciate the compliment
A pretty set of bongos
is a pretty set of bongos
I bet he's hung better
than my gynecologist
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned
It's been one year
since my last confession
Father, I have on occasion
used foul language
I have lied Not just little white lies
but great big sinful ones
I shoplift all the time, Father
- Darling
- And I'm an exhibitionist, Father
I like to expose myself to strangers
Especially authority figures
I hold the neighborhood record
for most repairmen satisfied
in a single afternoon
I own an enormous collection
of vibrators, Father
I have them in all assorted sizes I have
one that's in the shape of a crucifix
My God, it's gorgeous
I put pictures up on the wall
of all kinds of things
I listen to Barry Manilow,
and over and over again
I think of priests and nuns in that movie,
The Exorcist How did it go?
Huben?
I am all ready
- Hubert?
- No, it's Gary
- Gary?
- You remember Gary Nash?
Your pimples are all gone
I always liked you, Gary
I always liked you, too, Iris,
but we have to be very quiet now
I wish I could, but I have
a previous engagement with Hubert
Well, that's okay Why don't we
get these buckets off first?
Here we go Upsy-daisy!
Do you suppose
maybe I have time for one dance?
Maybe Hubert will be late
Maybe Hubert won't get here at all
Is this a slow dance or a fast dance?
I can't hear the beat
I'll get the dress, you get the panties
No, Iris, keep your clothes on, please!
- Stay quiet
- Don't think twice about it
I'm over 21 and I have my own apartment
We have to get back to the gym
I've gotta get the tools
Rules at a time like this?
There are no rules
Not "rules " "Tools " Iris
Tools That's kinky
I'll get the tools and I'll be right back,
all right?
We forgot all about Hubert
- We have to find Hubert
- Well, we're going to find him now
- Who the hell cares if we find him or not?
- My God, can't you be quiet?
It's my personal safety
we're talking about
What the hell are you doing?
You're jeopardizing the
safety of the group
I, for one, am not going to die
so that you can take a nice leisurely
evacuation
Listen, Superman
Are you gonna keep an eye out
for the forces of evil while I go tidy up?
- I feel ugly
- No problem, Bun
Me, too
Argumentative ninnies
Excuse me!
How gross!
There, there, Bunny
Poor, ignorant bastard
Should I cremate him?
No!
What happened to him?
Seems as though Walter Baylor
has struck again
At least he died in the girls' convenience
and not on the battlefield somewhere
You know, you're really terribly attractive
when you're frightened, Bunny
So are you
I see London, I see France,
I see Bunny's underpants
Where am I?
I should have left a trail of bread crumbs
Hello!
No
Right, how are we supposed
to get through all this?
Why don't we go into a classroom
and break through the wall?
Where do you come up with this stuff?
TV
- Actually, it sounds quite reasonable
- Come on!
Is it reasonable to go creeping around
in dark classrooms?
Dark hallways are bad enough!
Bob, what's the difference?
Right again
Well, at least the door's unlocked
After you, Lumpy
How did you do that?
All right, Hubert, let's get to it
Let's see you
break through the wall or something
I'm injured
Do you realize I've injured myself?
Bunny, watch out!
Hubert, grow up!
- What are we supposed to do now?
- Bunny, watch this
Biology Lab straight ahead
- Thank you, Delores
- Yeah
- Can you do that out your ass?
- You wish
This guy ought to be in
a mental institution
Your travail does not diminish your beauty
The only way you're going to touch me
is if I'm dead
I'll be back
I don't know what's worse:
This reunion or my marriage
You know, I've decided that the only thing
that I like about my life
is my wardrobe
- I thought you had a wonderful marriage
- I lied
This is a reunion
Actually, my husband ran off two years ago
with a male model
You need some milk and cookies
Excuse me
Your travail does not diminish your beauty
I'm engaged It's been announced
- Congratulations
- Thank you Excuse me
Have a nice day
Your travail does not diminish your beauty
This old travail? I've had it for years
Your very presence fills
my tuxedo with joy
I feel as if I've known you
for a thousand years!
That's something
I hardly remember you from high school
Would you like to dance?
But there's no music
We'll dance to the music of our passion
I want you
I can't It's that time of month
Oh, my-
Jeff Cindy
This is crazy
We're trapped like rats
in here, I tell you
It's absolutely unbearable
Bigger, bigger
Will you stop that?
I've had it Be quiet
Hubert has his hand where it shouldn't be
Please remove it, Hubert
Bunny, it's not my hand
Bob, will you do something?
Hubert, whatever it is, move it
Okay, Big Bob, you got it
- Not there
- Over here
Hi, there
Did you find him?
No luck How about you?
Hubert saw him
Yeah, I think he dented my brains
This is not working out
Walter Baylor is no fool
Wait a minute I've got an idea
Let's go back to the gym
We've got to counteract
his psychiatric psychopathia
with some elementary psychology
Great Yeah, elementary psych
I took that at Yale
How nice
All right 0-69
All right, next number
I-24
Thank you, darling
G-59
Bingo!
Just a minute,
we have to verify the card, please
We don't have a winner
unless we verify the card
It's okay, folks B-12
Right I-17
N-35
Open up, it's us
Somebody open that door
- Open up!
- It's all right It's our classmates
Come on, let's help them!
Come on, put your backs into it
What on earth took you so long?
We could have been murdered
or mutilated, or stabbed to death
Thank God you're all right
Tell me it's over and we can all go home
Were any of the good people hurt?
Not so far as we know Except Hubert,
who got some more brain damage
What are we going to do?
I'm a yacht salesman, not a Green Beret
What's going to happen to us?
Look, on the upside
we're all still alive
Of course, on the downside,
we're all probably going to die
Delores, are you all right?
Don't you want a Valium?
Delores, I'm trying to help out here
Now, what seems to be the problem?
You know, actually
you could use a little lip gloss
And, I hope you don't mind,
a little dental floss
And I'd love to see you in short hair
What do you think?
Now, come on Nothing that drastic
Maybe a cucumber facial, they're marvelous
I'd love to arch these eyebrows,
clean up some of the strays here
I'd love to try a henna rinse on you
Because, face it, you got good bone
structure but you're not a pretty girl
I'm free!
Meredith
Walter Baylor told me
on a number of occasions
that you were the girl he thought he was
going to diddle at the senior class party
Is that true?
Doctor, it was all done behind my back
I never even did that act with guys I liked
for fear of overdeveloping my forearms
Right you are, ma'am
I'm afraid I have to
give it to you straight
You're the one he wants to kill
- But I've always been so popular
- I think you're missing the point
If I could use you
to lure Walter Baylor out of his hideout
Use me as bait?
No, I can't let you do that
That means the rest of you
could remain here safe and sound
- Sounds feasible
- It's the only chance we've got
Okay, I'll do it
Bob, stay here Keep everybody calm
- We're free! Hey, everybody!
- It's what's-his-name with the tools
Everybody! Hi
Where are the tools?
You marshmallow You jellyfish
- No, you don't understand
- I understand
Where have you been,
cowering in some corner?
Protecting your own worthless hide?
You disgust me
No, wait I found the tools
I opened the doors
Excuse me?
The doors are open Come on, we're free
Way to go Nice work
Everybody, I got the doors open! Let's go!
No, wait!
Wait a minute!
Why are you running? What about Walter?
- So?
- Iris
- What about him?
- Where's Dr Young?
I've been looking everywhere for you
Where's Meredith? Where is she?
She's with Dr Young Don't sweat it
What's she doing with him?
Who are you, her dad? She's fine
Maybe somebody should go tell them
we got the door open
Since Jerry here is so concerned,
why doesn't he go do it?
Think you can handle it, fellow?
There's something wrong
It doesn't make sense
- Are you scared?
- No
Don't worry about a thing
I know Walter Baylor intimately
Really?
Didn't you know he was going to kill Milt?
- Yes
- Then why didn't you try to stop him?
I couldn't find a parking spot
- It's really gross down here
- It certainly is
For a minute, I thought you were
Walter Baylor?
Yes
I am Walter Baylor
Oh, my God
Why didn't I realize this?
It's Dr Young! He's Walter!
Don't you see? It's not his face
Okey-dokey Another Borden alum
heads for the loony bin
Do you think that Meredith is all right?
Probably not
Someone's gotta do something
Here
- Are you gonna make me throw up?
- I want you to wear it
Just like you were gonna wear it for me
10 years ago, remember?
And then?
That's okay
It's not gonna be fun for you
It's gonna be rough, painful
I like it rough and painful
I live in New York
When I'm done, I'm gonna kill you
Now get undressed!
Are you crazy?
Have you all fallen out
of your respective trees?
That idiot's got you believing him
Bunny, please,
tell me you don't go along with this
Bob, you're a disgrace to the Class of '72
I second that
Robert, I am ashamed
Could you help me?
Please
They say that sex gets better as the
partners learn what each other enjoys
Will you shut up and get naked?
Do you have a hanger?
Oh, no Now we got company
Take it off
Okay Now don't move
I'll be right back
Gary
Walter!
I got him!
Hit him!
No!
I think he's dead
Oh, my-
I think these are yours
Thank you
Gary, you saved my life
Come on, let's get out of here
Hopefully, that's the last we'll see
of Walter Baylor
Now I am really mad!
I'm pretty modest, but it's okay
I know you're the kind of guy
who wouldn't peek
Ten years ago, if someone told me I would
be getting dressed in an elevator with you
I would have thought they were crazy
Don't get me wrong
It's just kind of funny
- How do I look?
- Great
There's just never a dull moment
here at Borden Hi, Walter
There
No!
Follow me
Get back or the girl gets it!
I'm warning you!
You make one move and she gets a hole
where she doesn't need one
Walter, can we see her naked
before you kill her?
Walter, let her go
I feel sure that
you haven't got any problems
that can't be worked out
Let me handle this
Listen, you're making a big deal
out of nothing
You're not unique, you know?
Everybody in the class
had sex with your sister
Shut up!
I think we'd better do what he says
You're still looking for trouble, Baylor?
Listen!
How about we all sing
the Borden Loyalty Song?
I didn't sing that fucking
song in school
and I ain't singing it for you, fuzz nuts!
- Sing!
- I don't remember the words
No problem
Borden High we'll always love
Come on, sing!
Now, you listen to me, Walter
We're not gonna take this anymore
We're serious
What you see standing here
is a class united
Brothers and sisters
bound together
by a mutual love and respect
You can kill one of us,
you can kill 10 of us
But, Walter, you can't kill all of us
Your terrorism has galvanized our spirit
into a collective will
It's no use, Walter We're a family!
His truth is marching on
Nice job!
Super job
Let me out of here!
Let's get him!
Maybe he's in one of these old classrooms
No, Bob, he's not in there
- I think he went this way
- Right behind you
Let me out of here!
You're all nuts Revenge sucks!
Excuse me
I hope you realize you're
in the ladies' room
Peace Keep back!
You let me out of here!
Bob, what happened?
I just threw the lily-livered weenie
through the wall
Quick, let's find him before
the cops get here and take all the credit
- Through the wall?
- Yeah
He went into the gym Come on
Let's go, quickly
Hurry up-
Walter, are you all right?
Not really
That probably isn't a very good place to be
if you're not feeling well
You could fall
What's it to you? You'd probably
all get a big kick out of it
No
Walter, listen to me
You are up there because of a foolish prank
pulled on you 10 years ago
I think I speak for the entire class
with the possible exception of the
people you killed tonight, when I say
we're sorry
We're sorry
Walter, if you come on down
I promise that if we're ever
in the shower together again
I won't snap your nuts with my towel
- Take it easy, Walter
- Come on
Walter, I think your ride is here
Do you wanna dance?
I appreciate the invitation
but I think I'm gonna stay right up here,
thank you
- I'm the one who's at fault here
- What?
I'm not perfect
I know you all thought I was, and so did I
I've seen tonight that I have flaws
No
Not physical flaws, God knows
but flaws nonetheless
I've hurt you deeply
I'd like to apologize
from the bottom of my heart
Bob Spinnaker?
Did you say you were sorry?
Hey, man, are you going
to the class reunion?
When is it?
- I think it's tonight
- Let's go home
I wonder what could have happened
to Jeff and Cindy
I don't know
But I do know that
you're an enormously attractive woman
Iris, how would you like to marry me?
Hubert, you mean it?
Sure, we'll settle down,
have a couple of kids
- One like you and one like me
- Perfect!
Of course I'm sincere about eternal life
I can go to the beauty parlor
three times a week
- from now till the end of time
- Only evenings
You should consider going into
public relations, Delores
You would be marvelous
Why? So I can be some tight-ass,
phony bitch like you?
Right
- You know, I like it Let's have lunch
- Good
Were you really serious about Meredith?
She was obviously taken with me,
what could I do?
I'm sorry I revealed what a coward you are
That's all right, darling I'll forgive
anything for the sake of old money
Meredith, would you I mean, could you
- Gary, are you asking me to marry you?
- Yeah
Yes, I'd love to be Mrs Gary
Nash Gary Nash
What a great bunch of kids!
Everybody, let's do the Walter!