Clerks III (2022) Movie Script

1
(WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE
BY MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE PLAYS)
When I was a young boy
My father took me
Into the city
To see a marching band
He said
"Son, when you grow up
"Would you be the savior
Of the broken
"The beaten and the damned?"
He said
"Will you defeat them?
"Your demons
And all the non-believers
"The plans that
They have made?
"Because one day
I'll leave you
"A phantom to lead you
"In the summer
To join the black parade"
When I was a young boy
My father took me
Into the city
To see a marching band
He said
"Son, when you grow up
"Would you be the savior
Of the broken
"The beaten and the damned?"
(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK PLAYING)
Sometimes I get the feeling
She's watching over me
And other times
I feel like I should go
And through it all
The rise and fall
The bodies in the streets
And when you're gone
We want you all to know
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
We'll carry on
We'll carry on
And though
You're dead and gone
Believe me
Your memory will carry on
(ALL CHEERING)
Yes!
We'll carry on
And in my heart
I can't contain it
The anthem won't explain it
A world that
Sends you reeling
From decimated dreams...
Fuck you!
Somebody get over here.
Back up! Back up!
So paint it black
And take it back
Let's shout it loud and clear
Defiant to the end
We hear the call
To carry on
We'll carry on
And though
You're dead and gone
Believe me
Your memory will carry on
We'll carry on
And though you're broken
And defeated
Your weary widow marches
On and on we carry
Through the fears
(MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
Disappointed faces
Of your peers
All right.
Spread out.
Ready?
'Cause I could not
Care at all
Do or die
You'll never make me
Because the world
Will never take my heart
Go and try
You'll never break me
We want it all
We wanna play this part
I won't explain or say
I'm sorry
I'm unashamed
I'm gonna show my scar
Give a cheer
For all the broken
Listen here
Because it's who we are
(EXCLAIMS)
Whoo!
Just a boy
Who had to sing this song
I'm just a man
I'm not a hero
(CHEERING)
I don't care
We'll carry on
We'll carry on
(ALL CHEERING)
Believe me
Your weary widow
Marches on
(SONG FADES)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
JAY:
Pork roll
Egg and cheese
Pork roll
Egg and what?
Pork roll
Egg and cheese
Pork roll
Egg and what?
Uh, uh, uh.
(SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE
BY ROOTS OF MINE PLAYING)
Excuse me.
Yo, is anybody
working or, uh...
You know what
you want or what?
Yeah. Can I get three
Snoogans Prerolls?
(MUTTERING)
$100 even.
Right.
Tell me who
Tell me who...
Can you...
Profits off the life
Of every dude
Every sick
(SHUSHING)
Keep it down.
Ask the schools
(BOTH WHISTLING)
Break the chains
Reveal the lies...
(FAKE SNEEZES)
(JAY MUTTERING)
JAY: Yeah,
yeah, yeah.
What 'cha
looking at, man?
That's how we did it
in the '90s, son!
(ALL WHISTLING HAPPY TUNE)
Wait. Wait,
wait, wait.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(COLTRANE WHISTLES)
Your whistling
is affecting
your carrying.
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
Pretty nifty
planning.
(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
(SNICKERING)
The fuck?
Oh, uh... well,
'cause, um,
nifty is slang
for NFT,
which is a non-fungible
token in our world.
(SCOFFS)
"Our world"?
Oh, my God,
I knew it.
You belong to one
of these religious
death cults
where they all wear
sneakers to bed
before they
kill themselves.
For the last
time, Randal,
I'm not in
a religious
death cult.
Blockchain Coltrane
and I are co-founders
of the Christian
Crypto Club.
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Rip and tear!
This is either
a Lord of the
Rings thing
or a Jesus thing.
Hmm.
(WHISPERING)
(SNICKERS)
(ELIAS CHUCKLING)
Blockchain says that
Jesus saves souls,
but we buy souls,
it's... (SPUTTERS)
It's pretty
clever wordplay
because the
Phantasma Chain's
cryptocurrency unit
is called
the Soul, so...
(CHUCKLING) It's...
You are killing me
this morning,
you nut.
Oh, shit,
I think I get it now.
Get what?
NFTs and crypto?
No, not that
Beanie Baby
bullshit.
Talking about
this pair of puds.
Looks like Elias
has got his own
Silent Bob.
Oh, this is quite
a handjob.
What?
Jesus, these Gen Z
kids are fucked.
ELIAS: Oh,
what a surprise.
Randal has taken
the Lord's name
in vain again, Mr. Dante.
Please stop calling me
Mr. Dante.
You're 36-years-old.
And not for nothing,
but how's it taking
the Lord's name in vain
if I don't pray
to your Christian God?
If you don't pray to God,
then who do you pray to?
When I'm at my lowest,
I always pray to Crom.
Who's Crom?
That's Conan
the Barbarian's God.
ELIAS: You know
what, Randal?
I really wish
you didn't
worship all your
false comic book idols
and satanic superheroes.
Batman, The Avengers,
Wonder Woman, AOC.
Come on, man,
give Crom a chance.
He may not be all woke
and shit like Jesus,
but homeboy's
pretty metal
for a deity.
Well, joke's on you,
Randal, because
there's only one God.
Yeah. What about Thor?
Thor's a god.
Thor is a fictional
character who flies
through outer space.
(SCOFFS)
So is your God.
Mr. Dante.
His God is the living
Christ, Randal.
His God is
the Living Dead
with all that
goth-y shit like,
drink my blood.
That's fucking
vampire talk.
Mr. Dante!
Oh, no.
My name is Foo-Foo
and this is between
you two.
(SCOFFS)
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, freeze.
What the fuck
are these?
Kites.
No shit.
But what are they
doing here?
I thought we could
sell them.
Are you serious?
Who the fuck flies
kites anymore?
Lots of people.
Kids today love
flying kites.
Kites are cool.
What century
is this,
Ben Franklin,
and what kind of kid
in this day and age
would be
remotely interested
in buying or flying
a fucking kite?
Did you see they have
Jesus on them?
Oh, well,
all the kids
love Jesus.
Who in their
right mind
is gonna buy
one of your creepy
Christ kites?
I would.
(SCOFFS)
You did, like,
30 times.
Maybe we can
sell some online.
RANDAL: Online?
The only way anyone
on the Internet
would care about
this old-timey bullshit
is if you shot
a TikTok
trying to jam
one of those Jesus
kites up your
Christian dickhole.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
Asshole.
Thank you.
You know what, Randal?
I don't think
there's anything
particularly "metal"
about blasphemy.
Shah, blasphemy
and biting off
a bat's head
are as metal
as it gets.
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
There were two men
who were crucified
with Jesus, Randal.
(SIGHS) Holy fuck.
A good thief
and a bad thief.
If they were caught,
I'd say
that makes them both
bad thieves.
The bad thief said,
"If you are really
the son of God,
"get us down from here
and save us."
So why is this
guy called
"The bad thief"?
Call him "The practical
thief with common
fucking sense."
Ah. But the good
thief said,
"Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are but thieves."
What the fuck
are butt thieves?
Uh, well,
then the good
thief said,
"Jesus, remember me
in your kingdom."
And Jesus said
to the good thief,
"Today, you shall be
with me in paradise."
And Paradise
is a strip club.
It's not a strip
club, Randal.
It's Heaven.
(SCOFFS)
So the moral of your
never ending story is,
even in Heaven,
it's all about
who you know.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
The moral of the story
is if you didn't
go to Heaven
as a guest of Jesus,
like the good thief,
where did the bad
thief go, Randal?
Not that I wanna
prolong your sermon,
but how is it
blasphemy
to remind a guy
he's the son
of God?
Maybe the bad
thief thought
Jesus had
a Bourne Identity
thing going on,
like Jesus fell
off a boat,
hit his head
and caught amnesia.
He was born
in a manger.
Now he's
Bourne again.
Matt Damon is
Jesus Bourne in...
The Bourne Nativity.
(CHUCKLES)
Heavenly Father,
I beseech thee,
please smite
this braying heretic.
(BREATHES HEAVILY) Oh.
Are you okay?
No, something's wrong, I...
I can't catch my breath.
Stop teasing me.
I'm not teasing, I...
I can't catch
my breath, man.
Really? Should I try
mouth stuff?
What is this,
a Tinder date?
Get off of me.
You said you
can't breathe.
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
I can breathe. I just...
I can't catch
my breath.
What are you doing
with your arm?
I'm trying to breathe.
You're really
sweating, Randal.
It's hot in here, man.
Can we open the door?
I got to...
Mr. Dante!
Oh, shit!
I need an ambulance
at the QuickStop.
(SIREN BLARING)
WOMAN: (OVER PA SYSTEM)
Dr. Ladenheim,
report to the ER.
Dr. Ladenheim...
You had to call
an ambulance,
didn't you?
I just ate too much
fuckin' Mooby's,
that's all.
Well, if you know
what's wrong,
then I guess
I can go home.
Are you the doctor?
I'm the doctor.
Dr. Ladenheim, I'll be
your savior this evening.
(CACKLING)
What in the fuck?
I apologize
for my wardrobe.
I just came from
a costume ball.
Listen, Doc,
I'm okay. I just...
I can't catch
my breath is all.
On a scale
of one to ten,
how bad would you say
your pain level is?
RANDAL:
My pain level?
Like a negative three.
Well, you're
doing it
all wrong.
You're supposed to be
in a lot of pain
when you have
a heart attack.
Wait a minute.
I had a heart attack?
No, that's not
what I said.
You misunderstood me.
Oh, thank Christ.
You're having
a heart attack
right now
as we speak,
a massive one,
so we have to act
pretty quickly.
I just wish
I wasn't
so hung over.
(SIGHS)
I'm kidding.
I'm gonna go
get all glammed up
for our big date
and I'll see you
in the OR.
Look at me.
Uh-huh.
Everything's gonna
be fine, all right?
Good. All right.
He's not
gonna make it.
Jesus, could someone
page the Good Witch?
What's next,
a fucking Munchkin?
(IN SING-SONG VOICE)
Shave and a haircut
two bits.
Shave and a haircut
two bits.
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
I see that you met
Dr. Ladenheim.
And she wants me to
prep you for surgery.
Surgery? No.
The doctor just said
I'm going to the OR.
Right! Which is short
for operating room
where they do...
Ding, ding, ding,
surgery!
She gotta get
into your heart.
Uh, is the doctor
gonna crack
his chest open?
Fuck.
No, no, no.
She's gonna thread
a camera through
his femoral artery
up to his ticker
through a very
small incision.
Where does
she make this incision?
In the groin.
The groin?
Come on.
So I gotta shave you.
(ELECTRIC SHAVER BUZZING)
Or I get
to shave you,
depending on how much
you love your job
and I love mine.
So, as the wife
says at 10:00 p.m.
after Dateline,
every single week,
take off your pants.
(ELECTRIC SHAVER BUZZING)
(SIGHS)
I gotta shave
your groin, sir,
so underwear too.
First, can we
establish geography?
Like, where is
the groin to you?
Where's the groin
to me?
What is this,
a metaphysical question?
We're running
out of time here
to save your life.
So come on,
let's go.
(ELECTRIC SHAVER BUZZING)
Can you avert
your eyes,
block your ears
and sing something,
please?
Oh, for God sakes.
What do you
want me to sing?
Not you, him.
Oh, right.
All right,
here's the deal,
Nurse Jackie.
(DANTE HUMMING)
Mmm.
I got a really
small dick, okay?
I promise you,
it's nothing
I've not seen before
because I work
in pediatrics.
(DANTE HUMMING)
If I take off
my underwear,
everyone in the ER is
gonna see my little dick
including my
friend here,
who thinks I got
a giant cock 'cause
I've been lying to him
about it since
we were 12.
(GRUNTS)
Is this a long
fable, Aesop?
I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do,
give you a little
more privacy...
There you go.
Oh, thanks for that.
Unfortunately,
this is as far
as you can go
but we do have a waiting
room that's right
down this hall.
I'll be right here
when you get out, man.
You got this.
(SNIFFLES)
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
You got an idea
We can rock the night
PARAMEDIC:
We've got a female
with multiple
C-spine complications,
internal bleeding
and multiple
lacerations.
Blood pressure,
100 over seven...
Let's both make a promise
That we can't say...
ER NURSE:
We're losing her.
Starting CPR.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)
DR. LADENHEIM: (GASPS)
Why has he still
got his
underpants on?
How am I supposed
to get to his
femoral artery
if he's wearing
Squeezies?
MALE NURSE:
(SPUTTERS)
I told him,
but he's got some
body shame issues.
(DR. LADENHEIM SIGHS)
Look, Doc,
I got a really
small dick.
I'm trying
to save your life
and you're worried
about your
little dick?
We don't have
time for this.
Whoa!
(SOBBING)
This is all
my fault.
No, it is not, Elias.
I prayed to God
to smite Randal
so Jesus
attacked his heart
at my command.
(SOBBING)
Randal's mother
had heart
trouble, too.
(SNIFFLES) No,
I gotta make
Jesus reverse this.
Pray with me,
Mr. Dante.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Oh, my sweet savior,
hear your
gentle servant.
Spare the heretic
I damned in jest.
Remember the words
of the good thief.
Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are
but thieves.
DR. LADENHEIM: A-ha.
What's up, Doc?
I can tell by your
very subtle tattoo
that you're
a superhero fan,
so you might
appreciate this.
Uh-huh.
You know,
they have a name
for the type
of heart attack
you're having
right now.
Really? Okay.
They call it
the Widow-Maker.
Now, doesn't
that sound like
some bad guy
that Ranger Danger
has to fight?
(CHUCKLES)
Why do they call it
the Widow-Maker?
Because in 80%
of the cases
when there's 100%
occlusion like what
you have now?
Hands down,
patient always
dies, always.
Oh, fuck.
But don't worry,
you're gonna
be in the 20%
because keeping
you alive is good
for my brand.
Now, if you
excuse me,
I'm gonna go fool around
in your little crotch
and I'm gonna make
a little magic,
but I could use
all the help
that we can get.
So, if you remember
any prayers
from when you
were a kid,
now would be
a terrific time
to dust those off.
(RANDAL GROANS SOFTLY)
Are you there, Crom?
It's me, Randal.
(ECHOES SLIGHTLY)
Please don't let me die.
He won't answer me.
After all this time...
devoting my life
to God.
Jesus has abandoned
all of us at QuickStop.
I think Jesus
was always more
of a Wawa guy.
(SIGHS) Yeah, well,
you know what I think?
I think I wasted
my life believing
in bullshit.
I've been conned.
Fairy tales, faith
and pledging fealty
to a fictional
fucking phantom.
And for what?
In my darkest hour
when I need him most,
the Lord totally
ghosts me.
Well, to hell
with all that
made up Jesus jive.
(NECKLACE CLATTERS)
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Save Randal
this night,
and I will swear
my soul to you,
oh, sweet Satan.
Satan? Oh,
buddy, no.
I mean, isn't he kind
of like the Optimus
Prime of evil?
You don't have to
condescend to me.
You can just
say Megatron.
I'm kind of
a Transformers virgin.
(SIGHS) Well,
I'm an actual
virgin,
so I know Satan's
gonna want my soul.
For what?
Evil.
And butt
sex probably.
Do you have any lube?
Are you...
No!
(LOUDLY) I don't
deserve lube!
Take me, Satan!
Jesus! Pull up
your pants.
Make me
your concubine!
Jesus...
Pull up your pants.
No, stop it.
I have
to fuck Satan.
And that's when,
I shit you not,
Luke fuckin' Skywalker
shows up.
DR. LADENHEIM: Uh-huh.
And I'm talking about
the young, fuckable Luke
from Return of the Jedi,
not the Gran Torino,
"Get off my lawn"
Luke from The Last Jedi.
DR. LADENHEIM: Okay.
Quick heart update,
Mr. Graves.
Uh-huh.
During your thorough
retelling of
The Star Wars Show...
The Mandalorian,
season two.
...I was able to get
the stent in place.
So this is where
I need your help now.
I'm gonna open this stent
and all you have to do
is tell me
when you feel
the pressure lets up.
All right?
Let's do this, McDreamy.
"This is The Way."
The way to what?
Oh, that's a saying
from The Mandalorian.
Huh?
The Star Wars Show.
Okay, listen,
we need to hit pause
on all your pop culture
references for a minute
just until we open
the stent on three.
One, two, three!
(GASPING)
Oh!
Holy shit, I can
fucking breathe again.
Does this mean
I'm gonna live now?
Yes, because
I'm an amazing doctor.
You're a better doctor
than Doctor Strange
and Doctor Zaius
combined.
Doctor who?
Oh, no, I don't
watch that show,
but I might start now
because I'm fucking alive.
(LAUGHS)
"Mazel tov!"
As the Chinese say.
Thank you, Doctor.
Thank you for
saving my life.
You're like the Batman
of heart surgery.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah?
(SPEAKING GRUFFLY)
With great power
comes great
responsibility.
What the fuck
was that?
You're alive!
DANTE: You're alive!
Are you okay?
If that was
a heart attack,
I'll take another one.
That shit was easy.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay, you must be
on a lot of drugs
right now.
No, they didn't
give me
nothing in there.
I had to do
the whole
thing sober.
He's high as a kite
on fentanyl.
Kite imagery,
very cool.
See, Randal,
kites are in the air.
Stop with the
fucking kites.
DR. LADENHEIM:
One more thing,
Mr. Graves,
since you were really
preoccupied about it,
so much so that
you wasted time
and nearly died,
your penis is not
that small.
It's not that big,
but it's not that small.
(CHUCKLES)
That's the best
news I heard all day.
(CHUCKLING WEAKLY)
DANTE: Is he gonna
be okay?
How do I help?
Well, if you care
about him,
you'll jam a vegetable
down his throat.
The guy's got more
cholesterol in his
arteries than blood.
Got it. From now on,
I'm only gonna
order him food
off the vegan
menu at Mooby's.
Him and you.
Me?
If you're around
his age
and eat the same diet
as your friend,
you might wanna get
your heart checked out, too.
Will do.
But here's something
I want you to keep
an eye out for
as regards to Randal.
Okay.
Middle-aged men tend to
go through a depression
after they've had
a heart attack.
Now your friend might
sound or act differently
now because
he's come face to face
with his own mortality.
So, for the next
few months,
do whatever
you can do
to help Randal
keep his spirits up.
All right?
Now, my bill
is in the mail.
(WHATEVER IT TAKES
BY LISA DALBELLO PLAYING)
Judgy.
Whatever it takes
I know I can make it
I know
I can make it through
(SONG FADES)
I brought you a hat.
Yeah. Thanks.
I can't believe
you're still awake
after the day
you've been through.
Yeah, I can't sleep.
There was only
a 20% chance
I was gonna make it out
of that OR alive tonight.
Hmm. Is that right?
I mean, I figure I got
a 50-50 chance of dying
any time I leave
my apartment.
But today,
there was an 80% chance
everything for me
was just gonna stop.
There was an 80% chance
you and I were never
gonna talk about
Star Wars again.
There was
an 80% chance
I would never know
for a medical fact,
I got a normal-sized dick.
You always said
it was huge.
I was gonna miss
a lot of shit
if you didn't call
that ambulance today.
You saved
my life, man.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh.
I wish I had a life
worth fucking saving.
DANTE:
Come on, man.
What are you
talking about?
When I was lying there,
wondering if
I was gonna die,
I saw the whole
movie of my life
flash before my eyes.
You know what?
It sucked. (SCOFFS)
I always thought,
hoped...
that my life
was building
towards something.
Turns out it was
just the hospital.
What are you
talking about?
We built our
own business.
So I co-own
a convenience
store. Big deal.
I never went anywhere
outside of Jersey.
I never fell
in love like you.
If I'd have
dropped dead tonight,
only you and Elias would
remember I even existed.
I mean, look
at me, man,
I'm almost 50.
I sit around
and watch the same
stupid movies
over and over.
(SIGHS)
The fuck is
wrong with me?
I don't know.
You know so much
about all that stuff.
I always thought you could
have made a cool movie.
Holy shit.
You're right.
I could make
a pretty cool movie.
I've been
watching movies
all my life,
I've seen all
these people
tell their stories
and never once
thought about
trying to tell mine.
Well, fuck
that, man.
Since I almost
died tonight,
now I know I'm living
on borrowed time.
So, no more
watching movies
because when
I get out of here...
I'm gonna make
a movie!
(MACHINE BEEPING)
DANTE: A movie?
Don't you have to go to
film school or something?
It's like 75 G's a year
to go to NYU Film School.
And you know what
those kids pay
all that money for?
I don't know.
To watch movies.
I worked in a video
store for 20 years
where I sat around
and watched
movies all day, too.
So basically,
I went to my own
film school.
Just because you've seen
every movie ever made,
doesn't mean you can make
any kind of movie at all.
(SCOFFS) Tell that
to Quentin Tarantino.
Oh, now you're
Quentin Tarantino?
I'm not saying
I'm gonna make
a movie as good as him,
but I'm not good
at sex either,
and that doesn't stop me
from trying to get laid.
(SCOFFS)
DANTE: You wanna
shoot a movie here,
at the QuickStop?
Yeah, I've seen
convenience stores
in flicks before,
but I've never seen
an entire flick
set in
a convenience store.
Because who would
wanna watch that?
I mean, it's my life
and I barely
wanna live it.
This movie's meant
to memorialize
my life.
And since
I spent the last
30 years of my life
working here...
Oh. Working?
I got plenty of
convenience stories
to put into
a screenplay.
Convenience Stories.
Good title.
Well, what kind of
convenience stories
are we talking
about here?
(LAUGHS)
Remember the time
we went to
Julie Dwyer's funeral
and you knocked
the casket over?
You knocked
the casket over.
I did?
(SIGHS)
Well, that's
a scene now.
Or how about the time
the old guy
was jerking off
in the bathroom
and dropped dead?
That's totally
a scene, man.
I mean, all the shit
you and I have said
sitting at
this counter,
these are all
scenes now, man.
How about the time
you burned
the store down?
Is that gonna
be a scene?
I'm still pretty sure
terrorists did that.
Uh-huh.
(DOOR OPENS)
RANDAL: Hey, hey!
Motley Crewneck.
Anyone in your
Christian Crypto Club
got a non-crypto camera
we can borrow?
It's called
the Crimson
Crypto Club now.
Our first drops
gonna be all
crypto kites.
Oh, put that
shit away,
Elon Muskrat.
What do you guys
need a camera for?
RANDAL: Mmm.
Randal wants
to make a movie.
Ooh, like
a pornography movie?
No, like
a movie-movie,
one with actors
and a screenplay
and Crafty. (LAUGHS)
What's Crafty?
That's where the,
uh, crew hangs out
and practices
witchcraft,
you little
devil worshipper.
Cool.
Crafty is where
you find all
the food on set.
But if you're
shooting in here,
I guess the whole
store's Crafty.
What's the movie
gonna be about?
Mmm, it's gonna
be about an hour
and a half.
I hate long movies.
It's about him
working here.
ELIAS: Wow.
Meta. Never seen
a whole movie
set in
a convenience
store before.
Right? Thank you.
I'm gonna fill
the script with
all the weird shit
me and Dante
have ever said
or seen around here
over the years.
Oh.
You should put
in that stuff
you used to say
about the Death Star
contractors.
(SCOFFS)
Get sued by Disney?
Fuck that.
Besides, I don't want
this movie to be about
other movies.
I want it to
be about me.
It's my flick,
so I wanna write about
the things that I do.
Like, um, like how
we play hockey
on the rooftop.
I've never seen
that done in a movie
or a TV show,
even though
it's just
fucking practical.
(LAUGHS) Remember
that fight
where I hit you
in the face
with the bread?
Ooh, that could
be a scene.
Or the time
I spit water
on that old guy?
That's, like,
the fucking
opening scene.
Ooh, I got an idea.
Maybe Jay and
Silent Bob
could be characters.
That is the
dumbest idea
I've ever heard.
DANTE: Well,
you're still
gonna have
to get them involved
if you wanna set
any of the scenes
in your old video store.
All right.
Watch the
register, dawg.
We got to go talk
to the Warner
Brothers.
What the fuck, man?
We heard you died.
Almost.
What happened
is I was taking a shit
in the high grass
when a rattlesnake
came up
and bit me right
on the asshole.
But like the good
friend he is,
Dante sucked
the poison out.
See? It happened
to them, too, man.
Well, listen,
when we thought
you were dead, man,
I felt really,
really bad
'cause in all the time
I've been hanging out
in front of this
store and stuff,
I forgot to give
you something.
Dental School?
Me and Veggie Dick
rented that shit
in 1994,
but we never
watched it
'cause we didn't
have a VCR.
(CHUCKLES)
But now,
you can put it
on the shelf
in the video store.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, the video
store closed
ten years ago.
It did?
This was the
video store.
Oh, yeah,
I'm getting senile
and shit right there,
you know? (LAUGHS)
So listen,
how much we owe
you for late fees?
(SCOFFS) Uh, well,
let's see, a dollar
a day for what,
26, 28 years?
That's, like,
approximately...
$10,220.
Oh, didn't rewind.
$10,220 and 50 cents.
You take crypto?
You guys got crypto?
No.
If you never
watched it,
why was it
not rewound?
Yeah.
Hey, asshole,
I said we didn't
have a VCR.
We watched it.
We held it up
to the light.
(CHUCKLES)
Fucking Luddite.
Listen, we'll squash
your giant late fees
on the 28-year-old copy
of Dental School
if you let us shoot
a movie in here.
Ooh, a pornography
movie?
No, it's not
a porno movie.
Sex sells, son,
and I'm always buying
'cause I am
the Clit Commander!
Snootchie Bootchies.
(7-ELEVEN NACHOS
BY FROGGY PLAYING)
I love nachos
Nachos from 7-Eleven
I know that
They're bad for me
When I eat them
I'm in heaven
7-Eleven nachos!
7-Eleven nachos!
7-Eleven nachos!
Liquid toppings
Taste so good
Goodnight.
Thirty-seven?
That's not
a scene, Randal.
Stop writing it
right now.
Thirty-seven cannot go
in your movie.
(SHOUTING)
Shut the fuck up.
It's nighttime!
DANTE: "In Convenience"?
It's the story
of my life.
Hundred and
sixty-eight pages
full of dick jokes,
set in
a convenience store,
written in one night.
Maybe don't
tell people
that last part.
I thought, you were
gonna call it
"Convenience Stories."
Yeah, that
shit sounded
too precious.
What am I,
Wes Anderson?
(CHUCKLES) Not based
on this script.
"There is only
one return
"and it ain't
of the King,
it's of the Jedi."
Hmm.
ELIAS: Hey.
You said that
same thing
about return
the day that
guy threw up
in Mooby's
and you made
me clean it.
RANDAL: Yeah.
Everything
in the script
is something
either me or someone
I know said,
I just made up
new names.
What am I,
some kind of writer?
(WHISPERING)
Ah, yes.
Blockchain
would like
to understand
why the two girls
are into this
"Dan-T" character
when the Randy
character is
much funnier.
Randy has been
asking himself
the same question
his whole life.
What's wrong
with Dan-T?
(SCOFFS)
Read his first scene
on page 37.
DANTE: Are you
kidding me?
I'm in this
convenience store
way more than you,
but I don't come
into your
convenience store
movie 'til page 37?
I had a lot of
exposition to do.
(SIGHS) "Enter Dan-T.
"A hideous fuckin'
chud of a man."
What the fuck?
RANDAL: Well,
maybe Dan-T's not you.
Do you ever
think of that?
"Dan-T's
hideous fuckin'
chud of a beard
"doesn't suggest Tony
Stark so much as
a male crack whore
"who is cosplaying
as Tony Stark."
That's just
in the screen
direction.
Nobody actually
calls Dan-"a hideous
fuckin' chud."
To his face.
I can't believe
you made me
sign a non-disclosure
agreement,
only to read that
I'm not even
one of the main
characters in the
story of your life.
I mean, I knew
I was never the Luke,
but I thought
I was at least
the Han.
Oh, come on,
I'm the Han
and the Luke,
right?
(SCOFFS)
Then who am I,
the Chewie?
I think Elias is more
the Chewie, no?
Unless this is Empire
then I'm the Lando
and he's the Lobot.
I'm not even
the Lobot?
Which one's Lobot?
He's the one with
the headphones
who looks like
a dad who's trying
to be a DJ.
The bald fucker
from Bespin
who never
says nothing
the whole movie.
Wouldn't that make
Silent Bob the Lobot?
No. Jay and Silent
Bob are clearly the
C-3PO and R2-D2.
I mean, they've
been here since
the first movie,
which was
the last time
they were cool,
but they've been
with the franchise
so long
they still give
them cameos
and put them
on the lunchboxes.
So if I'm not
Luke, Han,
Chewie, Lando,
the droids
or the Lobot,
then who the fuck
am I in your
Star Wars,
Princess
fucking Leia?
No.
You're the Dak.
Who the fuck is Dak?
He's Luke Skywalker's
tail gunner
in the Battle of Hoth.
You know,
the guy who's ready
to take on the whole
Empire himself
until the Empire kills
the shit out of him?
(SCOFFS) Did Dak
even get an
action figure?
Not in the classic
Kenner line, no.
Because?
Because he was
deemed unimportant
to the story.
But that's just
bullshit, man.
Without Dak,
Luke could
have never...
Like, Dak was
the only guy
that's, like, uh...
I mean, Dak was
plucky as shit, man,
just like you.
Uh, I have a question
about the script.
Great, more
fuckin' notes.
Go ahead.
ELIAS: Yes.
Uh, I have a problem
with the Friar
Fuck character,
who, I believe,
is supposed to be me.
Friar Fuck, uh,
loves Jesus,
uh, to what appears to
be an unhealthy degree.
And?
And Elias is a born
again Satanist.
Because it was Satan
who saved you
when my prayers
fell on the deaf
ears of Jesus,
the giant jerkoff.
(SPITTING)
All right,
listen up,
Friar Fuck.
I get that you
just broke up
with your boyfriend
Jesus recently,
and clearly you're
going through
some couture
and cosmetic stuff
because of it.
But for the
first 36 years
of your life,
you were into Jesus
to an unhealthy degree,
and that's the Elias
that I based
Friar Fuck on.
Then this script
is based on lies.
Welcome to
the movie biz.
There's no truth
in this art!
Jesus.
Everyone's a critic.
So, what do
we do next?
What are you
asking Dak for?
Well, I can't do this alone.
I need a producer.
That's your job.
Me?
What do I know
about producing?
Come on. I'm already
writing and directing.
I can't do
everything, man.
All right. What does
a producer do?
Just build us a schedule,
keep us under budget,
secure a DP,
and most importantly,
find us financing.
What, I gotta
get money, too?
How much are we
talking about here?
Mmm, 25 grand.
$25,000?
Well, technically,
it's $27,575
but it would be way more
if we were in Canada.
Where the fuck
am I supposed to find
that kind of
money from?
We can find that
kind of cash.
What? How?
We launch our
crypto kite
NFTs next month.
So the Crimson Crypto Club
could have a lot
of money to invest
if the crypto
kites fly.
RANDAL: Again
with the fucking kites.
Guys, we need real loot
to make a real movie,
not your make pretend
Matrix money,
you fuckin'
kite fucker.
I'm sick and tired
of the kite killing
attitude around here.
(SCOFFING)
(DOOR OPENS)
RANDAL: Anyway,
back to the budget.
What if we took
out a loan
against the store?
A loan?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why don't we just
slow down a minute
and think about
this first?
Slow down?
I almost died, man.
It doesn't get
any slower than that.
I'm not getting all
"Dante" about this.
Uh, what's that
supposed to mean?
You're the guy
who can never decide
whether to shit
or get off the pot.
Well, I don't
have time
for that anymore.
From now on,
I'm gonna shit bricks
or what's the point
of being here?
So, come on, man,
get behind me
when I shit for once.
So I can what,
wipe your ass?
(SCOFFS)
You know, I don't wanna get
all "Dante" about this,
but find someone else
to take your shit.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
BECKY: Well,
well, well,
here he is.
The escape artist.
I Sit on Your Grave.
(CHUCKLES) Didn't
we have that movie
at the video store?
I Spit on Your Grave.
Hicks, you spit
on my grave
in a dream,
you better wake up
and apologize.
Ah...
So this is a dream.
Uh, if it is,
then you need to learn
to dream bigger.
I mean, really,
this is the best
that you can do?
A cemetery?
You can't dream
us into sex...
on the beach...
in Hawaii?
Like you'd wanna
have sex with me now.
(GROANS)
I'm an old man.
I'll have you know
that being dead only
increases your
sex drive.
(LAUGHS)
The dead live
to fuck.
So you have sex
in the afterlife?
Hell's yeah.
There's nothing to do
in Heaven except fuck.
(SCOFFS)
That's what
makes it Heaven.
I can't believe my
wife's having sex
with dead people.
Famous dead people.
I'm on the celebrity
circuit now.
Bullshit. Name one
famous person you
fucked in Heaven.
One. Okay.
(SMACKS LIPS)
I have knocked boots
with the ghost
of Cleopatra, sir.
Oh.
And Miles Davis
and Frederick
Douglass,
together.
George Washington...
What?
Carver.
Oh.
You know how much
I love peanut butter.
True.
Who else?
Um, Carl Sagan.
Oh!
A real thinker.
Um...
Malcolm X.
Malcolm triple X.
Oh, settle down.
And I'm sure you're letting
them all go ass to mouth.
Uh, yeah,
they're famous.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
You think
I want this,
don't you?
You carrying
the torch for me?
I told you how
I feel about
romantic love, Hicks.
Oh, I remember.
You were very
convincing.
Mmm.
Right up until the day
I proposed.
We only knew each other
for, like, 15 minutes.
You've been mourning me
for, like, 15 years.
So what do you
want me to do?
You want me to just
forget about you?
You were all
I ever dreamed about.
Both of you.
(BECKY SIGHS)
(TEARFULLY) Now...
God, I'm so alone.
(CRYING)
(SOFTLY) I know.
I know losing me
and Grace...
broke you.
But you don't know
how lucky you have it.
What?
The Book of Life
is closed
for the two of us.
But you... can still
turn a page.
You get to keep writing
the story of your life.
Why bother without you?
Because there are
more tales
to tell, Hicks.
As long as
you're alive,
you can always
start another chapter.
So live while you can,
love while you can.
God damn it.
Dream bigger.
(SNIFFLES)
That all sounds
pretty romantic
coming from a girl
who doesn't believe
in romantic love.
I don't believe
in romantic love.
That's my girl.
But I do believe
in you.
(BECKY CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, I wanna thank
you guys for having
me here today.
I've always wanted
to be an actor.
Nice.
I'm not even
supposed to be
here today!
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
(SOBBING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(STRAINED) I'm not even
supposed to be here today.
I'm not even supposed
to fucking be here
to fucking day, fucks.
Oh, shit! I thought
that was the police.
I'm not even supposed
to be here.
By the power
of Grayskull,
I am not supposed
to be here today!
Hey, I'm Joe.
Uh, I'm 45-years-old,
recently divorced,
and I figured I'd give
this shit a go. Uh...
I am not even supposed
to be here today.
Damn right.
Uh... (HUMMING)
Lion face. (ROARS)
Lemon face. (GRUNTING)
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
A little about me.
I'm known professionally
as Boston John.
That's a nom de plume.
Uh, Robert De Niro
is my fuckin'...
Lone star.
You know what I'm saying?
Close your eyes. Just...
Close your eyes.
Just listen.
Ready? All right?
(MIMICKING ROBERT DE NIRO)
I have nipples, Greg.
Could you milk me?
Fuck, that is one,
bitch. All day.
Can you give me one
like Schwarzenegger?
(MIMICS ARNOLD)
I'm not even supposed
to be here today.
But can you, uh,
Pacino that shit?
(MIMICS AL PACINO)
Ooh-ah!
(SHOUTS) When, Lord?
When will I see
the God damn sailboat?
That came from a real
deep personal place.
I have a BFA.
Uh, I'm a theater
background actor.
As an actor with
a theater background,
I was classically
trained in New York.
Have you
actually thought
about going
musical with this?
'Cause it could be...
I'm not even...
Supposed to be here.
Today
Hah, hoo, hah.
Yeah-cha!
Kick ball change
and snap,
snap, jazz hands.
That is beautiful, man.
Freddie Prinze Jr.
"I'll fuck anything
that moves."
Wait, wait a minute, man,
is this a porno?
I'll fuck anything
that moves.
I'll fuck anything
that moves.
I'll fuck anything
that moves.
That's a little bit
in your face.
Let me try it
like this, hold on.
Can I borrow
your underpants
for about ten minutes?
I'll fuck anything
that moves.
And, fool,
I always carry
a machete.
I'll fuck anything
that moves!
Sounds like the guy
I buy weed from.
You know what
this movie needs?
Deez. Deez nuts!
Can I just offer you
a piece of advice?
You know what
this script
needs right here?
Like an old lady
that says curse words.
Holy shit.
Who wrote this garbage?
His mother should
be ashamed.
(INHALING)
The fuck?
He's auditioning
for Silent Bill.
(SCOFFING)
I don't know if you know
Sound of Music,
the marionettes were
the best part of that.
I think that's why
they won Oscars.
It's worth
thinking about
maybe doing
the whole movie
with marionettes.
(ROCK MUSIC FADES)
Take your
heart pills,
Tin Man.
Hey.
So, how's it going
with the financing?
You raise
my money, yet?
If it's your money,
then how come
I have to raise it?
That's Hollywood.
(CHUCKLES)
Did you finish
reading the script?
Last night.
And? It's funny,
right?
It's funny,
but it was like
my entire life flashed
before my eyes.
My life flashed
before your eyes.
I was glad you left
some stuff out.
So, uh...
which one of these guys
gets to play me?
Well, the guys
are too young
and hot to play you.
What the fuck?
And nobody's nearly
funny enough to play me.
So then,
what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna play
my part myself.
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
All right, already,
we're closing.
Gee whiz!
Why? You're highly
offending me!
Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Jesus.
I'm sorry, ma'am,
we're closed.
It's me, Randal.
Huh. Cool.
Blade Runner,
I like that.
Thanks. What's
a Blade Runner?
Can we get back to you
acting in a movie
that you're directing
even though you've
never acted in
or directed
a movie before?
It worked for
Orson Welles.
(SIGHS) You're not
an actor.
Neither was
Howard Stern,
but he acted
in the movie
about his life.
(SCOFFS) If you
call that acting.
You think you
can do better?
Better than Howard Stern
did in Private Parts?
(CHUCKLES)
It's not a high bar.
Great, because
you're playing Dan-T.
What? No, no, no.
I'm not. I can't act.
You're as good
as any of the jokers
we saw at
1the audition.
Besides, if I'm
gonna play me,
you gotta play you.
You have
to do this,
Mr. Dan-T.
DANTE: Oh,
for God's sakes,
please stop calling me
Mr. Dan-T.
That's another thing.
Fuck all the fake names.
What is this shit,
Mad Magazine?
Randal is
playing Randal.
Dante is playing Dante,
aka Mr. Dante,
and Elias is
playing Elias.
ELIAS: I'm in
the movie, too?
Yup. And as a Satanist
playing a Christian,
you've gotta
act the most.
It's my very
own chance...
to transform.
And transform
you shall,
Bumblebee.
Soon as Mr. Dante
secures our
fuckin' financing.
Yo, it's too bad
you didn't marry
that Emma chick,
the one with
the big clit.
Wasn't she like some
kinda car wash heiress
or something?
DANTE: Can you focus?
Even if we do
play ourselves,
you still got to cast
all the customer parts.
Why am I casting
customers to say
all this stupid shit
when I still see
the real customers
who said all
the stupid shit
in the first place
come in here every day?
They can do it.
Oh, my God,
you can't just turn
regular people
into movie stars.
Noinch, noinch, noinch!
Smokin' weed.
Smokin' weed!
Pack of wraps,
my good man.
Time to kick back,
drink some beers
and smoke some weed.
You own a whole
weed store.
Hey, Randal,
I've got an idea.
What if Jay and Bob
play Jay and Bob?
Well, we can
ask 'em. Yo.
Youse guys want to
be in my movie?
Ooh, a pornography
movie?
RANDAL: It's not
a porno movie.
It's the movie
we're shooting
in your store.
(SCOFFS) That movie?
You still ain't done?
We haven't even
started yet.
I don't know. Who would
we be playing
in this movie?
Well, it's these
two characters
I kind of based
on you
and Maggie
Simpson here.
Check out your
first scene.
DANTE: These guys
aren't real actors.
But they are real
fucked up and I could
work with that.
This doesn't sound
like me at all.
What are you
talking about?
All the shit in there
is all the stuff
I've personally heard
you say around here.
I do not talk
like this, man.
Why do you have me
saying stupid shit like
"Snootchie Bootchies"
all the time?
RANDAL: I'll tell
you what.
If you guys
play yourselves
in the movie,
I'll let you guys
be in charge
of Crafty, too.
So what's
Crafty about?
Well, in addition to
being the comic
relief in the movie,
you'd also be in charge
of all the food on set.
Ooh, we learned
about food prep
back when we ran
the fucking Cock Smoker.
Wasn't that place
just a drug front?
(CHUCKLING) No,
we had drugs
in the front
and drugs
in the back.
DANTE: So if Elias
is playing Elias
and these dopes
are playing themselves,
who are you gonna get
to play Veronica?
Well, funny you
should ask,
'cause earlier today
I sent the script
to someone who
will be absolutely...
(CLICKS TONGUE)
...perfect to
play Veronica.
(DOOR OPENS)
Who the fuck
do you people
think you are?
Veronica?
What is this filth?
What is this gamey,
tawdry trash
that makes me out to be
some slutty sex maniac?
RANDAL: It's just
a movie I'm making
about my life,
and I thought
it'd be fun for you
to play yourself in it.
Oh, you did?
Yeah.
Then you are
fucking sick!
Hey!
Watch it with
my artistic expression.
"Artistic expression"?
That's my life.
It's my life.
Okay, everybody,
calm down.
Jeez.
DANTE: Oh, come on,
you would have killed
to have been
in a film in college.
You majored
in drama.
I minored
in drama.
I majored in
oral surgery.
All hail the queen
of oral.
Fuck you.
Surgery.
You didn't
let me finish.
And I'm not gonna let you
finish this film either,
not with me
as a character.
I'm not some
fucking joke
you get to tell
in your dirty
little B movie,
you two-bit
strip mall Soderbergh.
I see myself
more like retail's
Richard Linklater.
VERONICA: You want
to do this?
Fine, but leave
me out of it.
Unlike either of you,
I've got a grown-up job.
And unlike either of you,
I've got a family.
Oh, man,
I'm so sorry.
I... Sorry.
(SOBBING)
(DANTE SIGHS)
Please don't cry.
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
It's just been a shit day.
(SOBBING)
I had two
cancelations.
My ex calls
to tell me that
he's not putting
our daughter's car
on his insurance,
and so now somehow
she's pissed at me.
And then I see you
and say that shit.
It's okay. Really.
I kinda feel like...
I feel like such
an asshole.
Hey, Ronnie.
(SNIFFLES)
If Randal told me he was
gonna send you the script,
I would've said no way.
But now,
I'm glad he did.
Because it's...
it's really nice to see you.
Even under the circumstances.
And you look great.
(SCOFFS)
You look way younger
than I do.
Yeah?
Yeah.
How young you
think I look?
You don't look
a day over...
(CHUCKLING)
So, um...
(SMACKS LIPS)
You want to fuck?
(NO HOPE BY LOUSER PLAYING)
I'm a mess
All washed out
Mostly regrets
Laced with doubts
All bruised up
(VERONICA AND DANTE MOANING)
I'm knocked down
You think
this means
Veronica is in?
I think it means
Dante sure is.
No hope
No peace
JAY: "Silent Bob,
"you are a rude
motherfucker.
"But you are cute
as hell."
(CLEARING THROAT)
(LOUDLY) Silent Bob!
You are
a rrr-rude
motherfucker!
But you're cute
as hell!
(ELIAS SNEEZING)
ELIAS: I brought
the cat, Randal.
Perfect. We don't
want him
going anywhere
near a litter box
until we're
ready to shoot.
So you're gonna
have to hold
him all day.
But I'm allergic
to cats.
You got to suffer
for your art, man.
But it's not my art,
it's your art.
Shouldn't you be
the one doing
the suffering?
I didn't
suffer enough
when I almost died
from a heart attack,
which I might
add was after
a heated exchange
about kites?
My allergies
have made me immune
to your emotional
blackmail.
(DOOR OPENS)
(CAT PURRING)
Check out
this acting.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Silent Bob,
you are a rrr-rude
motherfucker!
But you're cute
as hell.
Very natural,
and subtle.
I like it.
So, how are you
feeling today?
Oh, you know,
I feel like that kid
that worked
in the video store,
fully fluent in
the language of cinema.
It's like I was born
to direct.
No, bro. I mean,
you had a heart
attack last month.
Oh, that.
No, I feel fine.
How do you
feel today
after your Range Rover
sleepover last night?
Stop it.
When I said
to be a producer,
I didn't mean produce
a late-in-life child.
Unwilling producer.
I didn't ask
for this job,
but I am doing it.
So I have a meeting
today about money.
Fucking A,
that's producing, J.J.
And I found you
a cinematographer.
What?
May I present to you...
Shooter Bob.
Silent Bob is
gonna be our DP?
Shit, yeah,
we all gonna be
doing DPs!
Uh, DP is the name
of the job.
You said
it was cinematographer.
The cinematographer
is the DP.
Man, don't be
acting like
you know
all the industry
slang and shit.
Me and Silent Bob
are the only ones here
who've actually been
on a movie set. Twice.
(RANDAL SCOFFS)
RANDAL: Come on.
Yes, he's an
unconventional choice,
but you are an
unconventional
filmmaker making
an unconventional film.
Yeah.
You want me to entrust
the story of my life
to the Quiet Place.
He has some
really nice shots
on his Instagram.
(SCOFFS)
Come on, give him
a chance, man.
Maybe he speaks
the language of
cinema like you do.
The guy never
speaks at all.
Okay, so we just
scouted in here,
and the colors
are fucking ugly.
So Silent Bob wants to
shoot the whole movie
in black and white.
Schindler's List
black and white?
What, is he nuts?
Uh, no,
I'm a fucking
filmmaker.
And any filmmaker
worth their salt
would know
that the colors
in this place
are fucking ghastly.
The only way
you could
deal with them
is to neutralize
them by going in
black and white,
which will also
kind of act as
a commentary
on the soulless
nature of commerce
while subliminally
giving the audience
the impression
that they're watching
our heroes
from the perspective
of an imaginary
store security cam.
That's what
I was thinking.
Mmm-hmm.
That's what
an artist thinks.
Yup.
But, you know,
it's up to you.
However,
I'm shooting it
in black and white,
or I ain't shooting
it at all,
motherfucker.
That's right.
(EXHALES)
(LINE RINGING)
Jesus, he looks fat.
You're not
on mute, Emma.
I know. So? Hello.
Hi, you.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
How's Florida?
Full of assholes,
but at least
it's not Jersey.
What do you
want, Dante?
Okay, uh, this is gonna
come out of left field,
but, um, I was hoping
I could borrow some money.
Fuck no.
It's not for me.
It's for Randal.
Oh, then double fuck no.
He had a heart
attack, Emma.
Good. I hope
he dropped dead.
He didn't.
So he needs
the money for, uh...
for the hospital bills.
Randal doesn't have
any insurance.
So the fuck what?
Even if I wanted to help,
which I don't,
I'm not giving
Randal Graves
any free money.
Emma, please.
You and I once
promised that if
we ever needed help,
we'd always be there
for each other,
no matter what.
That was before
you cheated on me
at a fucking
donkey show.
Goodbye, Dante!
No, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
(GROANS)
Please, Emma.
I'm desperate here.
Do you even have
any collateral?
If I have to...
I can sign over my
half of the QuickStop
as collateral.
That shithole? Ugh.
What's all this about?
We're making a movie.
No shit.
A pornography movie?
How long does
that take?
Twenty-one nights.
It's gonna take
my auteur friend
here 21 nights
for him to cinematically
suck his own dick.
In a row?
"In Convenience."
I don't get it.
Scene ten,
take one!
(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Cat Wrangler!
(BULLHORN FEEDBACK)
(ELIAS WHEEZING)
(BODY THUDS)
(WHEEZING)
All right,
let's go.
And...
action.
Holy shit.
We got poop.
And action.
(BULLHORN FEEDBACK)
Fuck.
(OPERATIC MUSIC CONTINUES)
(IMPERCEPTIBLE)
What are you
waitin' for?
Dance!
I ain't doing this
with all these fuckin'
people watching.
Oh, my God.
(BULLHORN FEEDBACK)
Cut!
(SIGHS) The talent's
being a little bitch.
Can you guys wait
in the video store?
I'll run the camera.
DANTE: Unbelievable.
Really?
There, ya happy?
I cleared the set.
So fucking
dance, man.
You fucking dance.
Bitch.
RANDAL: And...
action.
What the fuck,
JoJo Siwa?
Look at this
fucking guy
looking at us!
He's not even paying
attention. Gee whiz.
You have to go
inside, too, cuck.
Who the fuck's
gonna run the camera?
Push the button
and walk away.
Oh, my God.
(CAMERA BEEPS)
All right.
(BULLHORN FEEDBACK)
Action.
I guess.
(FIND YOUR WAY BACK BY
JEFFERSON STARSHIP PLAYING)
You know, it's been
A long, long road
Since I packed up and left
On my own...
All right, now,
hold on to
the counter.
I'm going
to pull, okay?
Here we go.
Ah...
Just trying
To get back to her heart
(GRUNTS)
Action.
We need some tits
and ass, yeah!
I sure ain't got no home...
And cut.
Ha-ha. (GRUNTS)
(WHISTLES)
Nice job,
nice work.
Um...
All right,
we're doing
the same shot
just over to
this door.
...sound here.
Let's get the
sticks over there.
Elias, you with us?
Okay, we're doing
the same thing.
We're just, kind of,
coming over here.
We're gonna stay
on the same...
Find your way back...
And... action.
You know, there are
a million fines
in the world, dude.
RANDAL: "Millions
of fines"?
What the hell, man?
That's not
the line.
"There's a million
fine-looking women
"in the world,
dude."
There are a billion
behinds in this
world, dude!
Whoo!
Not "billions
of behinds."
"A million
fine-looking
women."
You know, they're
killing swines
in the world, dude.
Jesus fucking Christ,
you non-acting fuck!
I will do it myself.
Ahem!
You know,
there's a million
fine-looking women
in the world, dude,
but they don't
all bring you
lasagna at work.
Most of them
just cheat on you.
You All About
Eve -ining fuck.
Well?
Fasten your seatbelts.
It's gonna be
a bumpy night.
RANDAL: So that's it.
He doesn't love
you anymore.
He loves Caitlin.
And he told
you all this?
Pretty much.
All except the latent
homosexuality but...
What the fuck,
man?
We're making
a movie here. Ew!
RANDAL: It's nothing
compared to how
my cousin Walter died.
DANTE: How'd he die?
RANDAL: He broke his neck.
That's embarrassing?
He broke his neck
trying to suck
his own dick.
JAY: Holy shit, man.
Is that shit true?
RANDAL: Are you nuts?
Shut the fuck up.
We're shooting
a scene here.
(FIND YOUR WAY BACK CONTINUES)
I know it's too late now
But I wish I could
Go back in time
And start all over somehow
And get it right
From the start
Find your way back
Find your way back
To her heart
Find your way back
Uh, what the
hell is this?
The story needs
a little action
so I added a scene
where Cohee
comes in to
rob the place
at the end.
And in the process,
you get shot.
No way. I'm not letting
you kill me off
in the third act.
What if there's
a sequel?
A sequel?
What am I? A hack?
Cohee, producer
says I gotta cut
your scene, man.
Yo, I'm still pay
or play, right?
Publicity? Isn't it
a little early for that?
I've been
reading the paper
my whole life
and the only time
I've seen my name in it
was under
the headline,
"Local grocer has
massive heart attack."
So I thought in your
official capacity
as producer,
maybe you can get
a cub reporter
over here
to do a story
about your director
in action.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
JAY: "I assure you
we're open."
I don't get it.
Some savages are
always sticking
gum in the locks,
so I wrote it
into the script
to be the reason
the shutters
are closed all day.
That way,
we can shoot
at night
and pretend
it's day out.
I fucking hate
how fake
Hollywood is.
RANDAL: I don't
appreciate
your ruse, ma'am.
I beg your pardon.
Your ruse.
Your cunning attempt
to trick me.
This is the last
time I rent here!
You will be missed.
Screw you!
You're not
allowed to rent
here anymore!
JAY: Yeah!
RANDAL: And cut.
(WOMAN EXHALES)
RANDAL: Nice work.
Nice work.
Okay, now just give
me ten minutes
and then
I'll be ready
to do mine.
Your what?
Wah, Ricky!
(CRYING) This is
the last time
I rent here!
(WAILING)
I don't get it.
She wanted to do
one as Lucy.
Empire had
the better ending.
I mean, Luke gets
his hand cut off,
finds out Vader's
his father.
Han gets frozen,
taken away by Boba Fett.
It ends on such
a down note.
Cut.
What? What happened?
RANDAL:
"Han gets frozen
"and taken away
by Boba Fett."
I said that.
No, you said,
"Han gets frozen,
"taken away
by Boba Fett."
You left out
the "and."
Do I come in
now, Randal?
Not yet, Thomas.
Go back out.
You can blame Dante
for ad-libbing
all over my movie
like he's Seth
fucking Rogan.
Oh, my God,
I left out one word.
Every word is sacred
to the writer.
DANTE: This
isn't writing.
It's a bunch of shit
that happened
for real in my life.
My life.
Do I come in
now, Randal?
Not yet, Thomas.
Back.
Oh, man,
Thomas fucked
up again?
Stop fucking
shit up, Thomas.
Hey, fuck-o.
What'd you say
to my father?
How about I fuck
your shit up,
you fucking fuck
hole motherfucker!
Shooter Bob!
That is the
Jersey-iest thing
I've ever heard
or seen in
my life. (LAUGHS)
And action.
(SQUELCHES)
That's your lung.
By this time,
your lung looks
like this.
So why don't you put
the cigarettes back
and try some
gum instead?
Here, Chewlies gum,
try this.
Oh, my God,
that reeks!
God!
What is that?
What happened
to the model of
the lung I gave ya?
I'm a method actor.
I ditched
the model lung
for this tripe
I got at Foodtown.
Jesus.
I used my power
of stagecraft
to see that
stomach as a lung.
It's method!
MAN: And you're
Dante Hicks.
We went to
the same school.
You played hockey.
Yeah. How'd you
know that?
You still going
out with her?
No, she's
getting married.
To you?
No.
To an Asian
design major.
MAN: What is...
You know what?
Cut, cut, cut!
I can't abide
by this racist shit.
Racist? How the
hell is it racist?
Just look at all
this fucking
lack of diversity.
And calling some
guy an Asian
design major
just feels racist.
That's not racist.
The guy literally
majored in Asian design.
Are you sure?
Wasn't he a, uh, Asian
student who was also
a design major?
He was a passionate
student of Asian design.
It just so happens
he himself was
coincidentally Asian.
(CASH REGISTER BEEPING)
Take it easy, man.
(CASH REGISTER BEEPS)
So, uh, where are
we gonna shoot the
donkey show scene?
Where it happened.
Mooby's.
Our Mooby's?
Yeah.
How are we supposed
to get in?
I got the locations
department
working on it.
EMPLOYEE: (GRUNTS)
It's stuck in my hair.
Shit. Can you
get it?
Ugh. I hate wearing
the Mooby suit, man.
(SALLY WALK
BY IMINIKON PLAYING)
I'm just trying to see
Miss Sally walk
In a simple baddest
On the block
I just wanna see
Miss Sally Double Dutch
I just wanna see
Miss Sally fuck it up
Fuck it up
Eenie-meenie-miney-mo
Yo girl say she tryna go
Red light, green light
Now you can't find yo ho
Freeze tag, this froze
Took her to the jewelry store
Miss Sally walk
A-walkin' down the street
Miss Sally walk
A-walkin' down the street
Miss Sally walk...
Come on, boys.
Let's go!
I just wanna see
Miss Sally walk
Miss Sally walk
A-walkin' down the street
Miss Sally walk
A-walkin' down the street
(DONKEY BRAYING)
I just wanna see
Miss Sally walk
I just wanna see
Miss Sally walk
(TRAIN HORN TOOTING)
No.
No what?
No, I... I can't
go inside.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Of course, you can.
Becks, I can't.
We had the best
times of our lives
in that place.
Until one of our
lives ended.
(SIGHS) It's just
a building, Hicks.
It's just a building
I haven't been
inside since...
(TEARFULLY) Since you...
I know. I'm sorry.
(WHIMPERING)
Just turn the page.
You can do this,
babes.
No. (WHIMPERING)
Don't go.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SOFT MUSIC FADES)
(SIGHING)
Uh, Randal.
This is Lisa
and her daughter...
Lisa.
Uh, Lisa goes
to high school
at Henry
Hudson Regional.
Oh.
And this is my husband,
Lando, who can
go straight to hell.
I'm so mad at you.
Don't say a damn word
the whole night.
Don't even
think words!
RANDAL: Uh...
We're gonna shoot
a movie in a minute
so I gotta
chase you guys
out of here.
LISA: Oh, okay, my bad.
I guess you
don't want press
for your little
YouTube video, then.
Did you say press?
ELIAS: Mr. Dante
asked them
to come here
to cover the shoot.
So you're saying
little Lisa is...
Ah! High School Lisa.
Don't call her
little Lisa
and you better not
call me big Lisa.
High School Lisa
writes for the high
school newspaper?
And her parents
are the chaperones.
Fucking great.
LISA: Even though
one parent
just came out
of the strip club tonight
spending all my $5 bills
that I got at bingo. Bitch.
Hey! The producer's
on set.
So lights! Camera!
Action! (CHUCKLES)
He looks drunk.
He looks like
he needs a piece
of butter and bread.
Ooh, it's cold in here.
Cough cold... Hey!
All right, look,
I realize going to Mooby's
might have hit you hard
but you just take off?
We couldn't even shoot
the donkey show!
Oh, big deal.
What the fuck is wrong
with you, man?
Try thinking of somebody
other than yourself for once.
Myself?
Okay.
We're gonna
shoot this scene
because the kid from
the high school newspaper
and her mom
are waiting.
Thanks for understanding
the assignment on that one.
But since you
showed up here
shit-faced
and ruined tonight
before we even had
a chance to roll,
we're gonna
re-shoot this tomorrow.
So get your selfish ass
out there on that cooler
and let's pretend
for a minute
you've actually
been helpful
on my movie,
which is, like,
the only thing
I ever asked you
to do for me
and only after I almost
dropped dead
from a fucking
heart attack.
You're fucking
unbelievable, man.
Come on!
(DOOR OPENS)
(SIGHS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(WHISPERS) What...
In Convenience.
(SOFTLY) Stupid title.
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Scene 137.
Take one.
Are they shooting this
in black and white?
I see a lot of white.
I don't see the black.
RANDAL: And action.
(MIMICKING JAWS THEME MUSIC)
Da-dum, da-dum...
Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum
Da-dum, da-dum
Da-dum, dadum...
Salsa shark!
We're gonna need
a bigger boat.
Man goes into cage,
cage goes into salsa.
Shark's in the salsa.
Our shark.
Oh, what?
What's with you, man?
You haven't said
anything in,
like, 20 minutes.
What the hell's
your problem?
This life.
This life?
I'm stuck in this pit
on my day off,
dealing with every backward
ass fuck on the planet.
I smell like
shoe polish,
and my girlfriend
sucked 36 dicks.
Thirty-seven.
LISA: Oh!
Cover your ears,
baby girl.
Why the fuck
are they cursing
like that?
You need to shit
or get off the pot.
What the hell
are you talking about?
I'm talking about
this thing you have,
this inability
to improve your
station in life.
Fuck you.
It's true, man.
You sit there and
blame life for dealin'
ya a cruddy hand,
never once
accepting
responsibility
for the way your
situation is.
You better leave me
the fuck alone, man.
It's because
you're comfortable,
right?
This is the life of
convenience for you
and any attempt
to change it
would shatter
the pathetic microcosm
you've fashioned
for yourself.
What?
Man, if you
weren't such
a fucking coward.
(SHOUTS) Oh, would you
shut the fuck up?
That's not
the line, man.
What are you doing?
My whole life
you've been running
your mouth a million
miles an hour
and saying
absolutely nothing!
(SCOFFS)
I gotta listen
to you talk shit
about everybody
and everything
you think
as if the world's waiting
for you to weigh in!
Nobody fuckin' cares.
Oh, real nice, pal.
Get me all worked up
because it's not like
I had a heart attack
and almost...
Died! "I almost died
from a heart attack!
"Did I not mention
that a couple of
thousand times yet?"
Fuck you.
"Hey, everybody,
look at me.
"I'm the boy who lived."
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
"So I gotta
make a movie
"all about what
a relentless fucking
asshole I am
"to everybody
I ever met,
"especially my so-called
fucking friends."
Oh, we're not friends
anymore, man.
You can fucking
believe that shit.
(LAUGHS) Oh, good!
Yeah.
Because if we're
not friends,
I don't have to worry
anymore what
the cold, hard truth
might do to your poor,
wittle heart!
Oh, don't worry
about me, pal,
I'll be just fine.
So since I can
be completely
honest with you?
Oh, please,
be completely honest.
(SCOFFS)
You think you
deserve a movie?
Yeah.
What did you
ever do in life
but watch it
and mock it?
(SCOFFS)
What have you ever
fucking done?
I had a life.
I was this close
to happily ever after
and then, one drunk
driver later...
my movie's over.
Forever.
No happy ending,
no sequel.
Not even a third
fucking act,
just, "Fuck you!
And, oh, by the way,
"fuck you!" Credits.
(SNIFFLES)
But, hey...
What's that compared
to a heart attack?
I mean, shit!
You could have
almost died, right?
Yeah.
Well, some of us
did die.
Some of us have
been dead inside
ever since.
But then, just when
I'm able to walk
into this place
without wanting to
kill myself every day,
you have an idea.
You wanna make a movie
about your life.
Oh, and you...
you've been very
clear about that.
It's your life!
Well, get this,
you self-centered,
gaping wound
of a human being
with your insatiable
fucking ego!
(SCOFFS) The fuck?
Your life...
is my life!
I've been
there with you
the whole time!
And since you know
how hard that life's
been on me,
did it ever
occur to you
that maybe I didn't wanna
relive that fucking life?
So, I quit...
as your producer.
And I quit...
as your fucking friend.
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
'Cause I'm not
even supposed to...
(GRUNTS)
(BODY THUDS)
Now that's what
I call acting!
Come on, everybody,
clap it up for that.
Okay, Drinkie-Mc-Stinky,
get up.
Dante?
Hey.
Hey. Hey! Dante!
Wake up, man. Hey!
Call an ambulance!
Wake up, man.
Dante. Dante!
Dante? Um...
Excuse me. We're...
What the...
No, you can't be
back here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right,
already. God.
They just brought
our friend in.
His name
is Dante Hicks.
He's the drunk guy
that collapsed
at the QuickStop.
NURSE: Uh-huh.
The first
responder said
he's having
a heart attack.
Okay, okay.
You need to wait
out there, sir.
Someone will be by
to tell you more
as soon as
we know more.
(RANDAL SCOFFS)
Thank you.
(SIGHS) This is where
I first rejected Jesus.
Yeah, and now look
what's happened.
So weird to be
back here.
Yeah, tell me
about it.
All right, look.
I'm gonna get
out of here.
Call me as soon
as they say something,
all right?
Wait, what?
Where are you going?
I'm gonna go work
on my movie, man.
Your movie?
Yeah, I mean,
it's almost done.
It's not like I'm doing
Dante any good
sitting around here.
I might as well
go work on my movie.
Are you kidding me?
Even now?
"Even now" what?
"Oh, my movie.
"My movie!
Everybody make
my movie
"because it's
so important."
(SCOFFS) This is neither
the time nor the place
to do an impression
of Chris Nolan.
I'm doing
an impression
of you, Randal.
We're in
the hospital.
That's stating
the obvious.
No.
The obvious statement
right now would be,
"Never mind the movie,
"my best friend's
in the hospital."
It's just a heart attack.
I had one. He'll be fine.
Fuck you, Randal.
(SCOFFS)
Fuck you.
Come on.
God, man.
I used to look up
to you so much
but you're the worst,
you know that?
The worst
in the world.
Mr. Dante made
your movie happen.
I made my
movie happen.
I had the idea
to make the movie.
I wrote the script
and I'm the
goddamn director.
I made this
movie happen.
It was all me.
Oh, it was
all you, huh?
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
Take off your stupid
mask, Randal.
Yeah.
Because I remember
Mr. Dante
doing everything.
He even called
his ex-fiancee
who hates his guts.
He put up his half
of QuickStop
just to get you
the money to make
your stupid movie.
Wait a minute.
Dante got the money
for my movie from Emma?
MAN: (OVER PA SYSTEM)
Code Blue. ER 7.
Dante, I didn't know
about Emma.
I just found out.
You again?
What did I say?
I didn't know.
What did I say, huh?
Security!
Is he okay?
Get out of here,
man. Get out!
Is he okay?
Get out! Security!
All right.
Get off of me!
Randal, where
are you going?
(LE GRANDE FROMAGE
BY REBUILDER PLAYING)
Skip amongst
The telephone lines
Catch a frequency
To pass the time
Anything's better
Than New Jersey
Living along the turnpike
Headed home
Fuck!
With the smell of smoke
We ran out of things
To say
So let it unfold
We pumped the tires full
All our favorite songs
Were shitty anyway
Anything's better
Than New Jersey
Skip amongst
The telephone lines
Anything's better
Than New Jersey
Living along the turnpike
I'd give anything
To go home
I'd give anything
To go home
I gave up everything
To leave
I gave up everything
To leave
I'd give anything
To go home
I'd give anything
To go home
I gave up everything
To leave
I gave up everything...
I think it needs
more weed.
Hmm.
God. Hey...
I need your help
with Dante.
Who's Dante?
The fuck do
you mean? Dante.
The other guy,
the guy in the QuickStop
who's not me?
Wait, I thought
his name was Sergio.
Ain't his name Sergio?
It's fucking Dante.
Are you gonna
help me or not?
Anything for
our boy Sergio.
I need to sneak
into the hospital
to get to Sergio,
so I want you guys
to create a very
subtle distraction.
I took a poo
in the ICU!
I took a...
Oh, shit!
SECURITY GUARD: Hey! Hey!
Give up everything to leave
Anything's better
Than New Jersey
I'd give anything
To go home
Living along the turnpike
(SONG FADES)
(MONITOR BEEPING)
Dante?
Hey, man.
I figure, since
you're just
laying around here...
you little heart
attack copycat.
You got time to watch
our first movie.
Huh?
You're gonna see
I was way off
with that stupid shit
I said at the store.
I never... never would
have made this
movie without you.
I never could do
anything without you.
I'm here, man.
I'm here.
Let's watch the movie.
(O WALY, WALY
BY GERARD WAY PLAYING)
This is the way
I see you.
You're the main character
in my Star Wars.
(SNIFFLES)
You're not the Dak.
You've always
been the Luke.
(VOICE BREAKING) You're
the hero of my movie, too.
You've always been
my hero, Dante.
The water is wide
I can't get over
Neither have I
The wings to fly
So go and get
Me to a boat
To carry both
My love and I
(VOCALIZING)
There is a ship
(BECKY CHUCKLES)
Out on the sea
And loaded deep
As it can be
But not as deep
As love am I
Let's go.
Don't care if I
Yeah?
Yeah.
Should live or die...
(SIGHS)
That was the best
movie I ever saw.
But it's not over.
Don't you wanna
see how it ends?
I trust the director.
He wasn't just
my favorite filmmaker...
The wings to fly
He was my best friend.
Me to a boat
(DANTE SNIFFLES)
To carry both
My love and I
To carry both
My love and I
(MONITOR BEEPING RAPIDLY)
What's goin' on?
(SNIFFLES)
You okay? Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey!
Don't fucking
leave me, man.
Don't leave me!
Oh, shit. Help!
(JUST BREATHE BY PEARL JAM
INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)
And that's when
the good thief said,
"Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are
but thieves."
What the fuck
are butt thieves?
I don't know
if any of you
know this
but I'm
a Satanist now.
And while I may be
the devil's concubine,
I still believe
in heaven.
And because
Mr. Dante
was the best person
that I ever knew,
I believe
he's in heaven
right now,
just like
the good thief.
Dante's Inferno.
No.
Dante's Paradiso!
Si.
Grazie, Elias.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I, uh...
I thought a lot about
what to say here today.
I was gonna pull
from the eulogy
that Kirk gave Spock
in The Wrath of Khan,
but I've always
been more of
a Star Wars fan
so I should say
something like,
"May the Force be with you"
or "This is the Way."
But I think instead
of quoting a movie,
I'd like to paraphrase
the departed.
And by the departed,
I mean Dante Hicks,
not the Scorsese picture
that was pretty perfect
right up until that
stupid shot of the rat
at the end.
So in the words...
(VOICE BREAKING)
...of the best guy
I ever knew...
"You're not
even supposed
to be here today."
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Hold me 'til I die
Meet you on the other side
RANDAL: Come on in here,
you little butt thief,
and assume your
new position.
But this was
Mr. Dante's spot.
Yeah, well,
after all this time
of being my biggest
and only fanboy,
I'd say you
earned it.
Besides, I told you
way back when
we worked at Mooby's
when Dante is gone,
you're gonna be
my new best friend.
(CHUCKLES)
No, I'm not.
Who the fuck
else am I gonna
hang out with?
It's you and
me, buddy.
Oh, fuck.
Well, look who it is,
Mr. Big Shit.
Well, look who it is,
Mrs. Big Clit.
Classy. How am
I not surprised?
I was surprised
to see you
at the cemetery.
You flew up
for Dante?
Well, I did almost
marry the man,
and if I had... P.S.
He wouldn't have died
of a heart attack
before he was 50.
Yeah, because
after a year
with you,
he'd have
killed himself.
I think I heard
you had a heart attack.
Am I right?
That must really
fuck with you.
Dante's dead but
you're still here.
I guess it's true
what they say, Randal.
Only the good
die young.
To what do
I owe the pleasure
of your entirely
unwelcome visit?
I loaned Dante
30 grand
and he put his half
of the store up
as collateral.
Now he's gone.
And if you can't
pay me back,
I own half this shithole.
(SIGHING)
How big's
my clit now,
motherfucker?
Oh, my sweet Satan,
lend your might
to the meek
and deliver us
from this succubus.
What the...
(PANTING)
The kites are flying!
Ah!
I repeat!
The kites are...
flying!
He talks?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
What?
The kites
are sold out.
The fucking kites,
God, the kites.
The Crimson
Kite NFT's,
the ones we minted for
the Crimson Crypto Club.
Blockchain put them
on sale last night
and they all
sold out.
So?
The two of us
just made...
One million!
One million!
One million dollars!
Ah!
Hail Satan!
I'm crypto
rich, bitch!
I just cashed out
$100,000 just to
flex and buy sex.
Here, take that.
Shit.
What're you gonna
do with your
money, Big E?
I'll never be able
to earn my place
behind this counter
but now I can buy it.
Here's your sucking
blood money.
Oh!
Now, get the hell
out of our store!
Well played, clerks.
ELIAS: Sorry about
the mess.
That was from
Star Wars.
I only said it
'cause you
and Mr. Dante
used to talk
about Star Wars.
I know.
Long time ago.
In a galaxy
far, far away...
(DOOR OPENS)
Holy fuck,
that's a lot
of money.
You wanna buy
some weed?
Yes! I wanna buy
all the weed!
Here's ten grand.
Whoo! That's gonna
get you higher
than Godzilla's
asshole.
Yo, where those
kites at?
Right this way,
valued customer.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
Aye-yi-yi.
(SNIFFLES)
(I'M FROM NEW JERSEY
BY JOHN GORKA PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
I wish you were
here, man.
I'm from New Jersey
I don't expect too much
If the world ended today
I would adjust
I'm from New Jersey
No, I don't talk that way
I watched too much TV
When I was young
There are girls
From New Jersey
Who have
That great big hair
They're found
In shopping malls
I will take you there
I'm from New Jersey
It's not like Texas
There is no mystery
I can't pretend
I'm from New Jersey
It's like Ohio
But even more so
Imagine that
I know which exit
And where I'm bound
The tolls on the parkway
They will slow you down
New Jersey people
They will surprise you
'Cause they're not expected
To do too much
They will try harder
They may go further
'Cause they never think
That they are good enough
I'm from New Jersey
I don't expect too much
If the world ended today
I would adjust
I would adjust
I would adjust
(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL
ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, kids!
It's me, Kevin Smith,
and I can't thank you enough
for making this third trip
to the convenience store
with me. Thank you.
Um... This time's
exciting for me
because this time everyone
finally gets to see Clerks
the way I've always
seen Clerks.
Most people think that Clerks
is a black and white movie
and they're right.
It was shot on black
and white film.
But, to me,
whenever I watch Clerks,
even though
it's in black and white,
the movie appears in color.
Because I lived that life.
And so now, thanks to Lee Ron,
you're all seein' QuickStop
and the surrounding area,
uh, Dante, Randal,
Jay and Silent Bob
as I've always seen them
from day one.
Um, in vivid, living color.
Uh, you know, QuickStop
is the unsung, uh, star
of all the Clerks movies,
if not,
you know, the epicenter
of the View Askewniverse
films in general.
Um, all stories emanate
and flow from that
little building.
And when I worked there...
um, I hated it.
I didn't want to be there.
I didn't wanna work
for somebody else
and I didn't wanna work there.
And people would come in
and I'd be like, "Oh, my God,
"I have to actually
wait on people?
"I just wanna watch TV."
I didn't even wanna work
at the convenience store.
I tried to get a job
at RST Video.
There was an ad
in the paper for it.
I went down
and talked to Mr. Topper.
He said... He goes,
"I see you have
"convenience store
experience as well."
I said, "Yeah,
I worked in a bunch
of convenience stores."
And he goes,
"Would you be
willing to work
"in this convenience
store next door
"from time to time because
we own that as well?"
And I was like, "Uh, yeah,
if you need help."
And, uh, famous last
words because it...
it was a convenience
store job.
He catfished me.
I just wound up
working in a convenience store
with a couple of hours in...
in a video store,
teased with paradise,
then seduced and abandoned
to sell, uh, goods.
So in Clerks, Randal says,
"Man, this job would be great
"if it wasn't for
the fuckin' customers."
Uh, but in the script
for Clerks III,
I'm gonna read you a little
something that was there
that I didn't use
in the movie.
During the pullback shot
at the very end,
you hear John Gorka's
beautiful
I'm From New Jersey.
And it was so lovely,
I left that moment alone
and didn't put in
what in the script called
for, the voice of Smod.
That would be me.
And this is what you
would have heard.
"Randal Graves spent
the rest of his life
"running QuickStop Groceries
"whenever he wasn't
making movies,
"with each film
financed solely
"by Crimson Crypto Studios.
"At a screening
of his final film,
"the Asbury Park Press
asked him
"to sum up
a life spent satisfying
"both the public's demand
for cigarettes and soda
"as well as their appetite
for the many movies
"he made after
his celebrated
debut, Clerk.
"The 90-year-old
Randal Graves replied,
"'I always thought that jobs
would have been great
"'if it weren't for
the fuckin' customers.
"'But as it turns out,
"'these jobs are great because
of the fuckin' customers.'"
He means it and so do I.
Thank you to everybody
whoever walked through
the door of that store
and made me think,
"Somebody should put this
in a fuckin' movie."
Somebody did. Thank you.
JAY: Yeah!