Clickbait (2019) Movie Script

I love each and
every one of you who have
supported me over the
years with all my heart.
It's difficult for me to come
to terms with my diagnosis,
but I do know that the
emotional bond we share is real.
So while I only have a
few months left to live,
I'm reminded that even though
I've only met a few you
in person, that our time
together has made my life
everything I always
wanted it to be.
I'm so grateful for all of you,
and I made this flash
to remember you all.
Fucking cunt.
Laura, I hate her.
Laura, who is dying of cancer?
Oh, c'mon, you know
she's just doing it
to get to the top of
the charts for the week.
She got cancer so she
could get the most views?
Maybe she didn't get
cancer for that reason,
but she's definitely milking it.
She's going to be
dead in a few months.
I think you can wait that long
to get back to number
one on str33ker.
I was number
one for six weeks.
Seven would have
been a record str33k.
Well, maybe when
Laura is dead,
you can get that
str33k started again.
Shouldn't you be studying for
that exam tomorrow, anyway?
I have to get
ready for the party.
You're going, right?
Do I really have to?
I really need to study.
I still don't understand this
taxonomy stuff that well yet.
Kinky people can
often find good sex.
That's all you need to remember.
Ha, ha, very funny,
but I don't think
that's gonna be enough.
We have to memorize
like 200 plant species.
I'm sure you can study
wallflowers at the party.
Get ready.
Whose party is it?
I don't know, some
old guy who still thinks
it's appropriate to be hanging
out with college students.
Ugh, that's creepy.
It's a Halloween party.
It's supposed to be creepy.
Hello Bailey Nation,
or Bailey World,
Bailey Universe.
We've been number one
for the past five weeks,
and I just wanna thank
all of my awesome fans
with, da, da, da, da, a tour
of Hollywood's weirdest!
Also, I wanna thank
my very, very,
very unfortunately
short roommate,
Emma, who's helping
us film today.
Emma is super studious,
but I believe she
has a really fun side
underneath all those
piles of books,
and when she finds out the
scientific cure for nerdom,
she'll be having as much
fun as the rest of us.
Emma, say hi.
You know, Emma, smiling
doesn't cost you anything.
Alright, so let's
see what cannibal
hobo freaks we can find today.
So, uh, I know I've been
quiet this entire time,
but honestly, I'm just
in shock right now.
What now?
Are you dressed
as a, as a poop?
So you thought it was a good
idea to go to a cool party
where you're gonna meet new
people dressed as a turd?
A poop.
A turd is a poop.
No, a turd is a specific
type of excrement.
A poop is more general.
I am a poop.
So, you're generally speaking,
depicting a broad category of
excrement with your costume
as opposed to a specific,
single type of excrement?
Okay then, moving on.
When we get to the party,
if anyone talks to you,
which I highly doubt because
you're dressed as a turd.
A poop.
Whatever, a frickin poop.
Just don't mention anything
about the str33k, okay?
Especially if Brayden's there.
But you can
smile, if you want.
I don't.
How 'bout laughing?
Good enough for a poop.
What's up lion buddy?
Kinky people
can often find.
Did you see that poseur
carrot at the party?
Oh, right.
Oh, that's her.
Hey, guys.
Bailey, I can't believe
you lost your str33k.
Oh, yeah, well,
Laura, you know?
She's probably faking it.
Yeah, um, excuse me.
Did I ever tell you
yellow is my favorite color?
- This was a fun party.
- Oh, you stink.
Hi, Bailey.
Hey, Brayden.
I'm a little busy.
Oh, you weren't too
busy to call me every
single day last week
begging to hang out.
Well, you had a
str33k then, now.
Oh, now I'm just nobody?
Yeah, pretty much.
You know roses are my thing.
I don't think you own
the legal rights to roses.
I don't think
you own the legal
rights to being a
fucking dickhead.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, you're a loser.
Good one.
Give me back my key.
You're finally gonna see
how many bolts you get
on your flashes when you don't
have a woman doing
everything for you.
Oh, but I'm nobody, right?
Whatever, I got a
flash on the charts.
Oh you do, really?
Is it the one that
I edited and shot,
or the one that I
wrote, edited and shot?
Bye now.
Yeah, so like, whose
lame party is this anyway?
Do you guys mind,
I'm trying to study!
Oh, sorry.
Kinky people can
often find good sex.
Are you dressed as a turd?
Oh shut up.
Next year I'm dressing
as something more popular.
It's 4 A.M., come
on we have to go.
Okay, okay, no.
Five more minutes.
No come on, get up.
Okay, I'm going, I'm going.
No you can't walk.
No be careful!
No, no, no you're drunk.
No be careful, be careful.
No, no, no, no,
no, no be careful.
What's so funny?
Nothing's funny here.
Come on, you're okay.
I'm so drunk Emma.
I can tell.
I'm really angry
with you right now.
You know I don't
know how to drive.
Then why are you sitting
in the driver's seat?
They taught us in health
class in high school
that it is better
to drive without
a license than it
is to drive drunk.
Oh, I bet you got an
A, miss smarty pants.
I did.
You're gonna fail
that test tomorrow.
Kinky people, something.
Fuck, who cares?
Well, Professor
Vargas probably does.
No she doesn't.
She comments on all my
flashes, she doesn't care.
Everyone just cares
about flashes, anyway.
That's not true.
People like you for you.
You don't even like me for me.
I do too.
I liked you before the flashes.
I still like you now.
I just wish you cared about
something other than clicks.
And I also wish that you
were driving right now
because this is making
me very anxious.
Oh wow, we're
getting real real
in the car right now, okay.
It's a safe space here.
So safe.
Soon we'll be hurling down
the street, out of control.
We're hurtling down the
street out of control.
Stop, stop!
No, you're not making
me feel any better
about this driving thing.
Okay, then we'll
just stay here then.
Jesus Christ, I
don't give a fuck.
No, I can't do that.
I didn't have any time to
study at that stupid party,
we wasted a ton of time.
Oh that party was so stupid.
Everyone there just liked
me cause I had a str33k.
And now they like Laura
who is dying of cancer.
Whatever, she'll be dead soon,
then everyone will
like me again.
I have a plan.
Okay, am I involved
in this plan somehow?
Uh, duh.
Well, do you wanna
tell me about it?
In due time my dear.
In due time.
I knew I could get you.
I can't get my key out
if I'm holding you up.
I lost my key.
What do you mean?
I thought you
brought your own key
and you got Brayden's key back.
Oh yeah.
Hold on.
Oh, no no no.
Come on.
No, you're fine.
I'm gonna make this
bed for you okay?
Oh no, I don't want it.
Good night.
Wait, we need to
say our prayers.
Okay you start.
Dear Lord, please
let Bailey go to sleep
and wake up with no
hangover so I don't
have to hear her
complain tomorrow.
Ugh good one.
Dear Lord, please do that
thing that Emma said,
and also please give
me the confidence
of a mediocre white
man so I can go
through my life as
brazen as I'd like.
Did you really need that?
Oh and please
make sure that Laura
gets better so that
she can stop hogging
the top of the str33ker charts
and I can get my record
str33k going again.
You're a real saint, Bailey.
No one can say I
don't care about others.
Like every patriotic American,
you wanna start
your morning right
with delicious, nutritious
toaster pastries.
But heating up normal toaster
pastries is such a hassle.
They never fit in the toaster.
Even when they do, they
always come out too cold.
Or too hot.
Well, not anymore.
With new toot strudels
radioactive flavors.
Toot strudels radioactive
flavors use patented
nuclear technology to self heat
to precisely the
right temperature.
Just open the packaging,
exposing the atomic
isotopes to air,
and in seconds your toot
strudels are ready to eat.
Normal toaster pastries get
cold before you can finish them.
Toot strudels stay the perfect
temperature all day long.
Don't spend hours making perfect
toaster pastries for breakfast,
throw away that toaster!
With three toot strudels
fluorescent glow favorites.
Radioactive watermelon!
Atomic eggplant!
And nuclear celery.
And of course, no one can
eat just one toot strudel.
So we put two amazing,
perfectly baked
strudels in every pouch.
That's right, two
perfect temperature
toot strudels in every pouch.
So you get a double
dose that will set
your Geiger counters
clicking every single day.
And don't forget to take
our which toot strudel
are you quiz to find
out if you are cool
and confident like
radioactive watermelon.
Strong and steady,
like nuclear celery.
Or spontaneous and weird,
like atomic eggplant.
I am Professor Wolfgang
van Ttstrudel!
The inventor of the
patented toot strudel
self heating toaster pastry.
Join me on November 11th
for National Toaster Pastry Day.
And you could win a lifetime
supply of toot strudels.
That's right, three
square meals a day
of toot strudels for the
rest of your existence.
Just upload your best
five bolt flashes
about what toot
strudels mean to you.
And you could be
our lucky winner.
Toot strudels!
The official toaster
pastry of str33ker.
There's froot in every toot.
Froot contains no
flavors, colors, pulp,
or other natural derivatives
of fruits or vegetables.
Kinky people can often find
good sex.
Hey there sleepy head.
That was some party last night.
Why do you have to be so loud?
Um, I was speaking at
normal indoor volume.
Don't try to confuse me
with your flawless logic,
Emma, okay?
I have not seen you
this hungover in awhile.
I think you had one too many.
Ten too many.
Ugh, thank god, I'm starving.
Fine, fine, I'll just
have a glass of water.
Mm, filling.
You know I had the
strangest dream last night?
About what?
You were in the shower.
Not like that.
Not all sexy and stuff.
Are you saying I'm not sexy?
You know what I mean.
Anyway, you were in the shower.
I saw a face glowing in
the reflection of the door.
It was an evil face.
And then they pulled out a knife
and started stabbing
at you wildly.
You were spitting out blood.
And you reached for the glass
and left a hand print
on it, and then fell.
And the killer was
breathing heavily.
I could hear their heartbeat.
I saw the knife and it
said doppelgnger on it.
Why would the knife
say doppelgnger on it?
I don't know!
That's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.
I can't control my dreams!
Sure you can.
Have better dreams next time.
How did you film this?
Film what?
Us coming home last night?
I don't remember
anything from last night.
Take a look at this.
I can't get my key
out if I'm holding you up.
What the fuck?
This is terrifying.
I'm calling the police.
How many views does it have?
I thought
you had your own key
and got Brayden's back?
20,000 and rising.
Five bolts?
Five bolts.
Don't worry about it then.
Don't call the police.
It's probably just creepy
Mrs. Wilson from next door.
She's harmless.
But how did she
get your password?
I don't know,
I'll just change it.
Who cares?
Don't freak out.
I'm too hungover to deal
with it right now, anyway.
Plus it will start
a new str33k for me.
We had better get
to that exam anyway.
Kinky people can
often find good sex.
How could you joke
at a time like this?
I'm studying.
Okay class, you
have 15 minutes.
I just want to give
you a little hint
for the classification
taxonomy on number 13.
Shh! Be quiet
I don't know like
90% of this shit.
Shh, knock it off or
you'll flunk us both.
I don't know like
90% of this shit.
Shh, cut it out.
Is there a problem, ladies?
Yeah, actually...
No, no, not at all,
Professor Vargas.
Bailey just needed
to borrow a pencil.
Very well, just remember
there's no talking during exams.
Yes, Professor, of course.
And both of you come and see
me in my office after the exam.
I'm very disappointed,
especially in you, Emma.
- I...
- Don't I.
You should know
better than to ask
Bailey for answers
during an exam.
But you don't...
No, now Bailey,
I am so sorry that
you have to be a party
to this dishonesty.
Let me present you with this
rose as a token of gratitude.
- Thank you.
- Mmhmm.
Professor Vargas, please
don't be too hard on her.
She's really a good kid,
and it's just hard
being my roommate
with all the attention.
I could only imagine.
You know, your last
str33k was wonderful work.
It's just I'm so sorry that that
cancerous bitch
knocked you down.
Well thank you
Professor Vargas.
Oh no, you don't deserve it.
Call me Harriet.
- Oh, thank you, Harriet.
- Yes, thank you.
Oh, cancer is hard to beat.
Well, you can do it,
I have faith in you.
I hope so, I think I can.
Oh, I know you can,
I enjoy your work.
She's so nice, isn't she?
She, but she.
I just wish all my professors
were that understanding.
Hey, hey, um you
left my rose behind.
So I did.
So is it just me or was that
test, like, mostly pointless?
Eh, it's just you.
Yeah, like I said, Dr.
Vargas does not give a shit.
Oh, God, don't look.
It's that creeper, Mrs. Wilson.
Hi girls, hi Bailey.
I loved your latest flash.
Hi Mrs. Wilson.
Don't, don't, don't, don't.
What are you doing?
Don't talk to her.
She gave me 500 thousand views.
If that was her.
No, she's really creepy, I...
Don't talk to her,
I don't trust her.
Will you fail the
next test on purpose
so that we can stay
in class together?
Well, why don't you actually
try studying for once,
and then we can stay
in class together.
Nah, too annoying.
Know what I've been thinking?
Uh oh, you've been thinking?
I know, it's painful, but
once in a while a neuron fires.
I was thinking, why do
I even need college?
I mean, I'm a junior,
and I'm still undeclared,
and I don't really
care about much.
I'm making awesome flashes
that get five bolts,
that's what I'm good at.
Bailey, you can't be serious?
Why not?
Bailey, are you crazy?
You can't make a
living off of str33ker.
But I'm famous.
Bailey, you're
internet famous,
not even internet famous,
but str33ker famous.
Str33ker famous
and famous are two
completely different things.
You're being such
a bitch right now.
I got five million
views just today.
Yeah, of that guy
stalking you from outside.
You have to think
about your future.
I am thinking about my future.
This is why I'm bringing it up.
Wait, how do you
know it was a guy?
That's sexist.
Okay, I don't know
it was a guy, but...
Okay, well, girls stalk
people too, sometimes.
Okay, fine.
Well, you need to think
about your future in case,
the guy or girl stalker
doesn't murder you.
What, so I can earn 70 cents
to the dollar and
hit a glass ceiling?
No one takes me seriously, Emma.
Well, maybe if you
didn't act the way you act.
How do I act?
- The way you act...
- I what?
Never mind, never mind.
You're just twisting my words.
You're too smart to
not be taken seriously.
Okay, well maybe too
smart to get a normal job,
and too smart to
lead a normal life.
If I were dumber,
you'd be happier,
then I could just be safe
and do the safe thing,
is that what you're
asking me to do?
Yeah, that's probably
what you should do,
but you make it sound so bad.
You're sounding
like a crazy person.
You can't just sit around
making videos all day,
not for a living.
There are other
popular internet stars
that you know that
make plenty of money.
What's your point?
My point is, I thought
you were my friend.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means you're
supposed to support me.
I do support you,
that's why I'm always
helping you make
your stupid videos.
They're flashes!
That's not what I
meant, what I meant was...
I know what you
meant, alright.
No, hear me out.
No, you said, you
said too much, dude.
Just go get me my
sweatshirt, I'm cold.
Bailey, did you
leave a grenade
in your underwear this morning?
They're all over the floor.
Aren't you freaking out?
This your idea of a joke?
What do you mean?
You just told me to
stop making flashes,
and then my most recent
one gets sabotaged?
Bailey, that is not me
tossing your underwear around.
I know it's not you, Emma.
You're short as fuck, and
you're with me all day.
My point, so what exactly
am I getting blamed for here?
Who'd you get to do it?
Who'd I get to do what?
Come into your room
and act all creepy?
Right, who?
I know I'm your only friend,
so did you hire someone or what?
Okay, first of all, you
are not my only friend.
Yes I am.
No, you're not!
Second of all, why on earth
would I hire someone to do this?
You just told me to
stop making flashes.
I did not.
I said you could not
do this for a living.
You only hear what you want.
You said what I heard,
you told me to stop.
If I really
wanted you to stop,
this is not how I would do it.
I'm always helping you with
your flashes all the time.
Did you ever stop
to think about that?
No, I guess I hadn't
thought about that.
Right, I've been helping you
with your channel since day one.
Okay, well if it's not you,
then who's trying
to sabotage me?
I think the better
question would be how did
this person get into
your room to film this?
Should we call the cops?
Yes, I'll call.
No, no, no, no.
What do you mean, no, no, no?
I should call, it's
my underwear and I don't
want you to make it sound
unsexy or something.
Yeah, really.
Fine, you make
the call, but do it!
Um, the number is 911.
I'm getting there, Emma.
This is my new roommate Emma.
We just moved in together today.
I met her on the Str33ker forums
and we love all the same things.
Also, we're both
beautiful and smart.
What's going on?
Alright, looks like
the coast is clear.
Yes, thanks for your bravery.
All in the line of duty.
Haven't I seen you
somewhere before?
I don't know,
were you in 'Nam?
Neither was I, so we
probably didn't meet there.
Um, okay, not important.
Look somebody broke...
Look, guys I gotta
take a breather,
I gotta take a breather.
Come fill me in, alright,
just come fill me in.
Somebody broke into our
apartment and made a video
while we were on
campus for class.
A flash, a flash,
it's called a flash.
- A flash?
- Yeah.
A flash.
A video.
Whatever, someone came
in and played 52 pickup
with my underwear, which
is very sexy, I might add.
Write that down,
write that down.
He doesn't care if your
underwear is sexy or not.
Look, I am here to get to
the bottom of this, I mean.
Um, you have some,
um, on your hat.
Oh, so I do.
Look, I'm here to
gather clues, okay?
If the underwear
being sexy is a clue,
I need to know about it.
It's not a clue really,
Bailey has a stalker.
I'm sure this is the first time
the stalker saw her underwear.
Are you sure?
I don't display my underwear.
Very well, you
know this may be
some kind of a desperate attempt
to get a closer look
at your underwear,
by some kind of a
pervert or something.
I think that's the kind of
thing perverts are into.
Yes, perverts, I think
we've made that clear.
Bailey has a stalker.
Can't you dust for
fingerprints or something?
Anyone ever tell
you to smile more?
Our apartment just
got broken into,
and you want me to smile?
Well, I mean...
Can't you dust
for fingerprints?
Yes, um, I just need my
fingerprints kit from the car.
You know, I would
dust for fingerprints,
I just don't think fingerprints
are gonna show up on underwear.
You know, I'm actually
kinda new to this part.
This is actually my first case.
First case?
Yeah well, I had a
desk job before, kind of.
But, I never dusted underwear
or anything else,
for fingerprints.
I don't want dust all over
my underwear anyway, so.
Look, you say
you're in college?
Right, I'm gonna
chalk this one up to
a stupid prank among
college students.
Somebody broke
into our apartment,
this is your first case...
Yeah, yeah, look, was there
any sign of forced entry?
No, but...
Was anything stolen?
No, all my sexy
underwear is here.
Alright, take my card,
it's got my direct line.
You notice anything missing,
anything else out of
the ordinary happens,
don't hesitate to
call me, don't wait.
For now, there's
nothing I can do.
Do you want me to take your
underwear into evidence?
No, I'll hold onto
that, thank you though.
Yeah, what if she wants to run
for President some
day or something?
Emma, this country
is never gonna let
a woman even mention
underwear, be President.
Look, I'm sorry
I couldn't do more.
It's okay, don't
worry about it.
Yeah, thanks for coming by.
No problem, look, you
girls stay safe, okay?
Make sure to look that
door and do something
you like to keep your
mind off of this.
Laughter is really
the best medicine.
We're not sick!
The following flash has been
brought to you by toot strudels,
the official toaster
pastry of str33ker.
There's froot in every toot.
Froot contains no
flavors, colors, pulp,
or other natural derivatives
of fruits or vegetables.
Hey guys, you're
watching Brayden's
str33ker workout video, oh yeah!
Oh yeah!
Emma, Emma, Emma,
Emma, Emma!
What is it?
Can you sleep with
me tonight, I'm scared.
What the?
Emma, are you dreaming again?
I'm thirsty, I'm gonna
get something to drink.
So let me get this straight.
The man came back
and attacked you?
You watched the video.
Yeah, well, I'm not
totally sure what I saw,
it's kinda dark, but uh,
he didn't hurt you,
and instead ran off?
Well, yeah, yeah.
And you're okay?
Not emotionally, but...
Nothing's been stolen?
No, but officer,
he tried to grab me.
Fine, fine, look the
best I can offer is,
I'll station myself
outside the building,
and I'll keep an
eye on the place.
I'm calling someone else!
Officer could you just give
us like, one minute please?
Sure, but don't
call someone else,
I'm the guy, okay?
Um, would you mind just like,
stepping out for a second?
Right, yeah.
Look, I know he's
a little weird.
A little weird?!
Shh, Emma, shh.
A little weird?
He has no idea what he's doing.
Okay, but didn't he say it was
like his first
case or something?
I'm right here if you need me.
Yep, just one
more minute, please.
Yep, yep, yep, good, thanks.
Okay, but it's his first
case, we can't get him fired.
I'm a little
bit more concerned
about one of us ending up dead,
than him getting fired.
Emma, relax, alright?
Besides, that flash of you
almost getting kidnapped,
has 20 million views and
a perfect bolt score.
You're so popular,
Emma, like so popular.
What the hell
is wrong with you?
You're almost as
popular as I am.
Great, just great.
Just give him one more chance.
One more, please?
But I am not happy about this.
Guys, I'm uh,
still right here.
Officer, thank you so much,
we really, really
appreciate this.
Don't mention it.
Look, I'll just be right out
here in the unmarked white van,
so just call if you need me,
and I'll come running right up.
Got hearing like an elephant.
Aren't elephants more
known for their memory?
What'd you say?
Never mind.
That guy is a complete loon.
Our lives are in his hands.
Great, just great.
Come on, I want to
go buy some pretzels.
Yeah, I'm hungry.
Fine, I'll get
us some knives too.
Why not guns?
I would never shoot anyone.
But you would stab them?
Well, no.
What if someone
were hurting you?
I'd ask them politely to
stop until they stopped.
And you think that would work?
- Because you're cute.
- Because I'm cute.
Oh my...
And what if someone
were hurting me?
I'd ask them politely to...
Keep going?
Probably, yeah.
I am cute.
Remember that one time
you couldn't even kill
that mouse that was
caught in a trap.
I couldn't kill
it, it was so cute.
It was suffering, you just
want to let it die slowly?
I told you, I cannot
kill a living thing.
Oh my god.
I couldn't then,
and I can't now.
How To Eat Like A
Lady With Mrs. Wilson.
Here it comes, mmm,
yum, mmhmm.
Mm mm mm so good mmhmm,
that's it.
Great job, mmhmm.
This has been How To Eat
Like A Lady With Mrs. Wilson.
That's me!
I'm really worried.
You've been really worried
for the past 21 years.
I'm only 20.
Yeah, you were
worried in the womb.
You were conceived and
you started worrying
before you even
divided into two cells.
Very funny.
It's not a joke,
your first cell
was probably an adrenal cell,
and then you started producing
cortisol before mitosis.
I thought you didn't
study for biology class.
Kinky people.
It's not related to cortisol.
I know, but it seems to get
you really stressed out, so.
At least we have our new
doppelgnger knives now.
So, which one of
us is evil, then?
A doppelgnger means an
evil mirror image of a person,
so, one of us has to be evil.
I mean, I guess it
has to be me, because.
I think I'm the evil one.
You, Miss Goody-two-shoes?
You don't know
what's in my heart.
I'm sure a heart
full of darkness,
just waiting to show me your
true self at any moment.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Really though, you
drive me crazy.
You are one of the smartest
people I know and...
Well, you don't care.
Why should I care?
No one cares if I'm smart,
all they care about is
if I'm making funny faces
while I'm interviewing
Hollywood's weirdest,
or if I'm making a makeup
tutorial or something.
Doesn't that bother you?
No, that's your problem, Emma.
You think too small,
you think that you need
to follow the rules.
You think that there
even are rules,
and no one cares
about rules, only you.
Fine, I guess I'll loosen
up a little bit then.
Now we're talking.
Here, have a pretzel.
Good, right?
Mm yeah, it's pretty good.
Maybe we should
go to class now.
Dressed like this?
No one cares, and we're
dissecting people today.
Once the blood is
drained from the cadaver,
and is preserved
with embalming fluid,
the body remains
completely flexible
and intact.
Smells a little like vinegar,
doesn't it?
And ba bum bum!
The heart.
I guess Emma wanted to
get a slightly closer look.
Take five.
Emma, Emma, Emma.
Hi Bailey.
Do you mind?
Uh, I'm sorry.
You okay?
What happened?
Oof, long story, dude.
No, I'm just kidding,
it's actually not a
long story at all.
Uh, you fainted and fell face
first into a dead
person's abdomen.
Ohh, I hate when
that happens.
The following flash has been
brought to you by toot strudels.
The official toaster
pastry of str33ker.
There's froot in every toot.
Froot contains no
flavors, colors, pulp,
or other natural derivatives
of fruits or vegetables.
Do you ever wake up in
the morning, think boy,
I wish I could
poop, but I can't.
I drank a whole gallon of coffee
and it's just not coming out.
Not anymore with toot strudels.
It'll make your bowels so soft,
it'll just flow
right out your butt,
straight in the toilet.
I don't even have
to wait sometimes.
Sometimes I'm rushing out there
and I'm already turtling.
Toots strudels, comes
in new three flavors:
strawberry, watermelon,
and also cat flavor.
Toot strudels, get it
out while it's in there.
Drop drop drop
Hear the sound in the toilet
Toot strudels will make
you poop like a baby
Toot strudels.
I think I'm gonna take
a nap when I go inside.
Fucking Christ, Brayden,
are you kidding me?
I'm just messing with you.
Thought you were into
that kind of stuff
now with your new
horror channel.
I got this new camera.
That's not horror,
Brayden, it's real.
People are actually
breaking into your place?
C'mon, I'm not dumb
enough to believe that.
Thought we can go out sometime?
Now you wanna go out, now
that I'm back on a str33k?
Well, yeah.
Oh my god, thanks for
the rose, by the way.
See you later, Brayden.
Wow, Brayden really
likes to stomp on things.
That makes me feel
a little bit better
about fainting into
that dead body.
That's the worst thing that
could have ever happened.
Talk about falling
for someone heartless.
Get it?
I'm still worried.
Don't be, Officer
Dobson's right outside,
and he has a gun.
Does he have a gun, though?
I didn't see one.
I'm not even sure if
he has a real badge.
He didn't even notice
Brayden coming up.
Well, they probably
gave them one
of those plastic
badges and no gun
until after their
first assignment.
Anyway, I'm sure it's fine.
Anyway, we should
go to bed, dude.
I'd say we have to
do some flashes,
but this one of you
getting kidnapped
is str33king up
the charts, what.
What about Laura?
Her first chemo flash is
third after the kidnapping,
and the underwear toss, what?
The sexy underwear toss.
Yes, Emma, I
taught you so well.
Alright, let's go to bed.
No prayers tonight?
Nah, I'm already
feeling as confident
as a mediocre white man.
I wish I could be as
confident as Dobson.
He's pretty damn mediocre.
He sure is.
I could solve this
case as well as he can.
Well, I'm counting on you.
Well, I gotta go to bed,
I'm totally frazzled.
Good night.
Good night.
Being creepy
sure brings out my hunger.
Crouching in the bushes all
night making you peckish?
When I'm outside
someone's window,
filming them without
their consent,
I make sure they've got a box
of toot strudels ready
in their kitchen.
When I need a break, I
just force open their door,
tiptoe through the
house and grab a snack.
Nothing like a
self-heating toaster pastry
to give you energy to stay up
all night watching
someone sleep.
With patented radioactive
isotope technology,
they help me stay warm
on chilly damp nights
when I'm lurking in the shadows.
Toot strudels,
the favorite snack
food of night
creepers everywhere.
Well, all's quiet here,
time for a little meditation.
shh, shh, shh, shh.
I woke up and
walked out of my room.
The whole house
smelled like vinegar.
I figured maybe Bailey
was cleaning or something,
but she was gone.
I thought maybe she
went for a walk,
but then I received a text,
I ran out right away to get you.
Did you not hear anything?
Yeah, it turns out that
my elephant hearing,
not quite so keen and
fast when I'm asleep.
What the hell
are we going to do?
I mean, did you
try calling her?
Yes, of course.
No answer, look, somebody
broke into our apartment,
not once, but twice,
it was not a prank!
You were supposed to be
out there protecting us.
He attacked me and
he kidnapped Bailey.
Fucking do something about it!
Do you have any leads at all?
Aren't you the detective?
I suppose I am, I mean,
that's what it says
on my badge, anyway.
You know, I can't place it,
but you really
remind me of someone.
I look like
a lot of people, okay?
Any leads, anything?
I mean, Bailey
had a lot of fans,
I don't think she
had any enemies.
Come to think of it, she
did have a lot of enemies.
Like who?
That Chase guy,
Brayden, our professor,
just about everyone
loves and hates Bailey.
It's her thing, I guess.
What about you?
Nobody notices or
cares about me, really.
No, no, no, I mean, don't
you love and hate Bailey?
How do I know you're
not a suspect?
Yeah, I guess we can go ahead
and cross you off the list.
What about you?
We can go ahead and
cross me off the list too.
Great, just about eight
billion more people to go,
until we find the kidnapper.
Or killer.
I mean, we just don't
know, she could be dead.
What the hell kind of
detective school did you go to?
You don't just tell people that
their missing friends
might be dead.
Yeah, I guess I missed
that day in class.
Yeah, apparently.
This whole apartment
smells like vinegar.
Vinegar, you sure it's
not just chloroform?
Well, what does
chloroform smell like?
It, uh, smells exactly
like vinegar, yeah.
Well then, there you have it.
Hey, could I see your notebook?
Um, sure.
Yup, well, I'm gonna
have to get going,
gotta get back on the case.
You should be okay, you know,
since nobody really notices you
or cares about you at all.
Thanks, I guess.
Just please promise me
that you'll find Bailey.
I know that she's
an idiot sometimes,
but she's really my only friend.
Yeah, I
promise I'll do my best.
It just doesn't add up,
I didn't hear anything.
Officer Dobson
didn't hear anything.
What does chloroform smell like?
Whoa, easy there, relax!
What have you
done with Bailey?!
Nothing, I just came
to help her study.
Dr. Vargas wanted
me to tutor her.
Then why are you breaking in?
Breaking in?
I knocked and no one answered,
and I saw the door was open,
so I figured I'd see
if anyone was home.
little bit creepy, no?
Yeah, I guess
you're right, sorry,
I'm just not too used
to being around people.
Uh, do you think
maybe you could,
like, put that thing down?
I guess so, but
one false move and...
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Alright, I just came
over to see Bailey.
She's not here.
Well, can you let her know
I stopped by or something?
I can't.
Because she's been kidnapped
or murdered or worse.
Oh my goodness, you're awake.
You have no idea how long
I've waited for this day,
now it's finally here.
You know, I've followed your
work for sometime, Bailey.
From the beginning, really.
And I just knew if I could get
you alone in a room with me,
we'd be best friends.
But here we are
finally together,
just the two of us.
I can feel the love in the
room already, can't you?
Oh that's right, that's
right, you can't talk.
Well, I'm awful sorry about
the accommodations, you see,
my neighbors complain
about the loud music,
who knows how they would feel
if they heard you screaming
down here, you get it right?!
Help me, help me!
No, no, no, that's
a very, very bad girl.
We're supposed to have
fun together, remember?
I've worked very
hard to get you here,
this is like a dream
come true for me,
but if we can't
have fun together,
well, there really is no
use for you, understand?
Great, then let's
try this again.
What do you want from me?
I thought I made
that perfectly clear.
I want you to be my friend,
and we're gonna
hang out and make
flashes for everyone out there.
Yeah, someone has gotta
continue your str33k.
Like I said, I'm a
huge, longtime fan,
and I just always
wanted to be in
the flashes together
with you as a team.
If I make flashes with
you, you'll let me go?
We'll see, we'll
see, but look,
I've taken the liberty of
typing up a script for you.
Now, I know normally you
improvise your flashes,
but I really think it's better
if we work from a
script to start.
You see, I've got
this perfect idea
in my mind of how
it's supposed to go,
and if it doesn't
go just perfectly,
I may have to make some cuts.
Help me, help
me! Help!
Well, at least she isn't dead.
And this is the most viewed live
str33k in the
history of str33ker.
I've gotta call
Officer Dobson.
The following flash has been
brought to you by toot strudels,
the official toaster
pastry of str33ker.
There's froot in every toot.
Froot contains no
flavors, colors, pulp,
or other natural derivatives
of fruits or vegetables.
This will be my
last flash ever.
I just wanna say
thank you so much.
I'm told I only have
hours left to live,
my heart's giving out and
there's nothing anyone can do.
I wish you all the best.
I'm also hoping that
Bailey gets rescued safely.
I'm rooting for you.
The start of the greatest
str33k in the history...
Fucking telemarketers.
You should really sign up
for the Do Not Call list.
Shut up!
You know, if you wanted
to be in one of my flashes,
you could've just asked me.
No, no, no, no, no,
you see, I tried that,
it's funny you should say
that, because boy did I try.
I sent you a letter every week
telling you how much I loved you
and wanted to be in
one of your flashes,
but I never got a reply.
I never got any...
Yeah, well, water under
the bridge now, right?
We're here together now,
that's all that matters.
And look, here's a rose
to show you my love.
Ew freak, stop.
Hey, that's not very ladylike.
Well, everybody, our time
is just about up for today.
But we'll be back in just
a few short hours tonight.
Be sure to tune in for the
start of the grand finale,
the beginning of
the greatest live
str33k in the
history of str33king.
I don't know why he's
not answering his phone.
reached the voicemail
of Detective Frank Dobson, yeah,
I can't come to the
phone right now.
I'm calling 911, forget it.
Do you think we
took this too far?
I, I, I don't know, I'm
freaking out about this,
and Emma's really
worried and I feel like
people think this is
real or something.
Oh, well, I hope
they think it's real,
it's been great so far.
I, I, I don't want to do this,
I'm gonna call Emma.
Don't you think
she's gonna be angry?
No, it's Emma.
She'll be annoyed at first,
and she'll pretend not to care,
but she cares about being
famous as much as I do.
And she won't tell anybody
either, so don't worry.
Well, I guess she's gonna
have to save you then.
Yeah, but she can pretend.
Listen Bailey, I mean it's
been real up to this point,
but uh, I'm not just
gonna throw this away.
We've come this far, I'm not
just gonna walk away from it.
Well, I'm not going to do it.
Yes, you fucking are!
You fucking said you
would, you're here,
we're here, we're
doing it, okay?!
We're doing it!
Now just stop arguing
with me, I'm tired of it.
We're going with the
plan we agreed on.
Please I don't want to do it.
Just shut up about that.
I just need you to shut up,
it's the last time I'm
gonna say it, okay?
Just shut up and
let's finish it, okay?
What, what, what
are you doing?
What, why are you
making it tighter?
Right, uh, I'm sorry,
look, I'm really sorry.
I just started freaking
out when I thought
you were gonna back
out all of a sudden.
It's okay, it's just I feel
like this is
getting out of hand.
Is that my real knife?
Yeah, I just grabbed
it from your place.
Oh my god, I'm not
gonna hurt you.
You don't need to freak out
or get all hysterical
or anything.
My god, I just need
it to look convincing.
Alright, please,
please, please,
just please don't cut
me with the knife, okay?
Just put it away, please.
Yeah, you don't need
to worry about it.
Okay, but...
Yeah, I have the
reflexes of an elephant.
Toot strudels, awesome.
Where the hell is Dobson?
You've got to have seen
the guy who did this,
at some point, right?
I don't know, I
can't think of anyone.
I mean, I guess at this point,
it could be a lot of people.
I even thought you
were a suspect.
What's so funny?
That you thought I
could be a kidnapper.
No, no, that's
not what I meant.
What I meant was,
what's so funny?
Sorry, I have no idea
what you're talking about.
I think we need
to watch the video.
Which video?
This is
like a dream come true for me,
but if we can't
have fun together,
well there really is no
use for you, understand?
Now laugh.
Ha ha.
For real.
Okay, why do people always
tell other people to laugh or
have fun together,
well there really
is no use for you.
What's so funny?
I know where Bailey is!
The preceding film
has been brought
to you by toot strudels.
There's froot in every toot.
Froot contains no
flavors, colors, pulp,
or other natural derivatives
of fruits of vegetables.
Helllllo Emma nation,
Emma world, Emma universe!
We've been number
one for 13 weeks now,
and I would like to
thank all of my fans
with a tour of
Hollywood's Weirdest.
I would also like to thank
my very tall roommate Bailey
for helping us film today.
Bailey is very, very serious.
But underneath that sour exterior
is a very, very fun girl.
And I think when Bailey
learns to smile and laugh,
she'll be having just as
much fun as the rest of us!
Bailey, smile for the camera!