Clinger (2015) Movie Script

Shit, fuck!
God damn it!
My God, my
God, are you all right?
I'm fine.
I think you dislocated
your shoulder.
I was about to break my P.R.
Damn it!
I... I think I should call 911.
I'm training for
an important meet.
I have to keep going.
Absolutely not.
I need you to pop it in.
Like, I can't do that.
It's a slow and steady pull,
directly away from my body,
without any sudden movements.
Do it on three.
Okay, I-I can do this.
I can do this.
One, two, three.
My God!
I'm Robert.
I'm Fern.
Yeah, I know.
I... I sit behind you
in fifth period chem.
Wanna hang out
on Friday, Robert?
I was hoping you would ask me.
Wanna hook up in my car?
With who?
Is it the guy from the car wash?
Or is it the guy who
wears his hat backwards?
Or is it that guy
from your school
who had that thing for me?
Kelsey, don't you have
anything better to do?
No, I'm on my vacation days.
It's a-it's a perk of being
Well, use a condom.
Bye, sis.
Hey, Fern, it's me, Robert.
I'm thinkin' maybe I may
throw a party sometime,
like at my house,
with all my friends.
I got friends, a lot of em'.
Robert, are you taking
another long shower?
No, Mom!
Fern Petersen...
Robert, will you...
Will you be my girlfriend?
Wait, is he
supposed to ask that?
Hey, Robert.
Fern, you look amazing.
So how far are we
gonna go tonight?
I d...
That's not
what I meant to say.
I meant to say how
far are we gonna drive
because I have to be home by 11.
I have practice
Actually, we don't
have to drive anywhere.
You know, I think my favorite
thing about you, Fern,
is how graceful
you are.
This is a work in progress.
As long as you'll
be my first boyfriend.
Christian Singles Magazine
says you have to be sexy
and spontaneous.
And don't
forget to swallow...
-Your pride,
because relationships
are about compromise.
I'm so happy for you, Fern.
Do you wanna have sex soon?
Soon would be nice.
Well, I just don't
know if we're ready and
I want our first time to be
I know. It will be.
Because you're perfect.
Happy one month anniversary.
Happy one month and
one week anniversary.
-I love you beary much.
-Happy one month
and three week anniversary.
I love you beary much.
It's what our
kid will look like.
I made it on the internet.
He seems like the
perfect boyfriend.
For the love of God, break up.
I mean, I see what
he was trying to do.
Fern, where do you
see yourself in a year?
At MIT, running
for the track team,
and studying neuroscience.
See, you're gonna be
miles apart from each other
and you won't want Mister
Crazy latched onto you.
By the way, which of these
socks puppets do you think
better exudes professionalism?
The blue one.
But Robert has
perfect eyebrows.
And he has an enormous,
throbbing heart.
I want a guy like that.
I'm the sister here,
I give the advice,
and you are not helping.
I'm sorry.
Anyway, if you
wanna go to MIT,
you can't be tied down.
But, I mean, should
I break up with?
Should I keep it going? Should I keep
it going and then break up with him?
I mean, how is this
supposed to work?
It's like when
Mom and Dad say,
"Kelsey, why don't
you have a job?"
And I say, "If I had a job,
"I could never become a
billionaire entrepreneur."
You have to stick to your
plan, no matter what.
Robert, she's
going to love it.
It sure is swell, kiddo.
Thanks, Mom and Dad.
Hey, check this out.
Robert, it looks
a little dangerous.
that's my name.
Damn it.
I wrote that last year
when I sat behind you
in Ms. Gerritt's class.
That's so sweet, Robert.
I actually have one
more thing to show you.
Wait here.
Wait, Robert, I have
to tell you something.
I know what you're gonna say.
And I've been wanting to say
it, too, for the longest time.
Fern Petersen, I love you!
I think we should break up!
Wait, what?
My God!
We're so sorry for your loss.
We brought you some lasagna.
Thank you.
Do you remember how
Robert used to sit in class?
He would always raise his hand,
like he was trying
to tell us something.
He was trying to
tell us something.
And then he would
be at his locker...
getting books.
You're so eloquent, Jenny.
Fern, I am so
sorry for your loss.
If you ever need a best friend,
I am always here for you.
Didn't you wear
that dress at formal?
It's so cute.
You should say something
to his parents, Fern.
You killed him,
It was all your fault.
He died for you, Fern.
You know, funeral etiquette.
You were the one.
The one.
He really was a good guy.
You know what you need?
A rebound.
Kelsey, it's been a week.
This week has gone by slow.
Everyone's wearing
black armbands for Robert.
Robert's in Heaven now,
playing angel games
with his angel friends.
Keep your chin up.
So, you doin' okay?
Not really, no.
Sorry, that
was a dumb question.
But if you ever need
anything, just let me know.
Psyched for game day, man?
Hey, listen, you know,
I'm sorry about Ronald.
My turtle died last week,
so I know exactly how you feel.
I'll see you around, Fern.
See you, Harlan.
If you slow down,
I swear to God
I will scream
loudly in your face.
Sorry, Coach Valeria.
Don't apologize to me.
Apologize to yourself.
Sorry, Fern.
Much better.
How much time do I have to
cut for a shot at the MIT team?
At least five
seconds off your 400.
I'll get it down.
I know.
And sorry about
your dead boyfriend.
Side hug.
Maybe I'll see him
lingering around somewhere.
Sounds like he had
a tragic death.
Never mind.
I made you macaroni
with bacon bits,
because when I was a
cook in the Marines
that's what we served
this to boost morale.
Semper Fi!
You know I really
did like Robert.
I thought he was a great guy.
He was really cute.
He could play guitar.
I think he'd be the next
Bob Dylan if he... lived.
Mom, Dean can stay
for dinner, right?
I can't stay, babe, dinner
meeting tonight.
Also gotta feed the dog.
It's been like
three days.
I love you.
See you, Fern.
People like Dean are
the reason this country
is going down the shitter.
Coach Valeria?
What the hell
are you doin' here?
You're a ghost hunter?
I don't do that anymore.
Go away, Fern.
I need your help.
Nice place.
Ghost hunting
makes a lot of money.
But that website
was from the 90's.
I been meaning to take it down.
Coaching has been my cover
ever since I... retired.
Well, can you unretire?
I get the job done, that's it.
Don't be calling me at
all hours of the night
when your doodads are
floating around your room.
Thanks, Coach.
Now when did the
hauntings begin?
Last night a heart
appeared in my macaroni
and earlier in the
day there was this...
Sounds like a love ghost,
but it could be a
butt-burrowing lava demon.
Fern, you don't want to
get involved in this shit.
Love ghosts have been
known to manipulate reality
and make things come to life.
And butt-burrowing lava
demons, well... they hurt.
They come in through
the back door.
I mean, back door, back door.
All in your insides.
Ignore the hauntings.
I'm not ignoring Robert.
And I'm definitely not
ignoring a butt-eating fire...
Butt-burrowing lava demon.
Amorem excitare spiritus.
I took Latin
for a semester.
If that helps at all.
Damn, it's a love ghost.
And your eyes
were turning white.
How does that even happen? I made a
connection with the netherworld.
To deal with love ghosts you
have to know three things.
Rule number one, to summon
Robert, say his name three times
while standing on your head.
Rule number two, love
ghosts can't move on.
Literally. They can't move far from
the places you spent time together.
Rule number three, only
you can see Robert,
since he's your love ghost.
No one else can see him.
Ignore Robert. Sooner or later he'll
be swallowed into the hell pits
of eternal darkness.
You'll never have to
hear from him again.
Just don't piss off love ghosts,
they can be deadly.
Fern, you can still walk away.
I'm not leaving
Robert like that.
When love ghosts
get outta hand,
it can turn a regular guy
into a complete madman.
Side hug.
Robert. Robert.
-Fern, dinner's ready.
You-you're not mad at me?
Why would I be mad at you?
I love you.
I was planning on telling you,
but the other night was
such a blur.
I must've caught a
bug or something.
Robert... you're bleeding.
Here, this'll help.
Fern, dinner's ready.
Sexual harassment.
It's everywhere.
It's on the streets.
It's in schools.
It's in the workplace.
And why is it everywhere?
Because the people
aren't educated.
So I, Kelsey Petersen,
have taken it upon myself,
with my latest startup business,
to educate the people
about sexual harassment,
but in a totally fun, new way.
With sock puppets.
Sock puppets.
Sexual harassment
sock puppets.
They make sexual harassment fun.
It's great that you're starting
your own business, Kelsey.
It's my fifth business.
Entrepreneurship is the
backbone of our country.
Capitalism is evil.
But this idea just
doesn't make any sense.
Well, it has some kinks.
I'll figure it out later.
It's okay, Kelsey.
So, Fern, still tryin'
to pork your boyfriend?
He die-!
He died.
You should really think
about writin' that
into your college essay.
You know, they love
tragic shit like that.
That's very funny, Dean.
Dean, I suggest
you leave, right now,
or I'm gonna pull up
your personal website.
I'm outie!
What website? Babe?
What? What website?
Well, if it makes
it any better,
Fern was about to break up with...
No, Robert, I...
I told you she needed therapy.
Why are you hugging her?
Why didn't I get a salad?
Fern, what were they
talking about in there?
Robert, there's no
easy way to say this,
so I'm just gonna say it.
Say what?
The other night,
you lost your head.
I apologize for
the other night.
I don't even remember
what happened.
No, it was cut off.
I think we should
break up.
You're dead, Robert.
I'm a vampire?
You're not undead.
You're just dead.
Ghosts are way cooler
than vampires, anyway.
So, that's why no
one was talking to me?
Can anyone else see me?
Maybe you should
take some time
to figure things out.
Fine, I'll go to my grave.
That'll be fun.
I should really learn how
to walk through walls.
There ya go, sweetie.
Thanks, Flapper Girl.
Good day.
My name is Temperance Baker.
We're grave neighbors.
This is my tombstone.
Hi, I'm Robert.
Why the bitter
countenance, Mister Robert?
Mostly this and
there's this girl.
We're in love, but she's alive.
I was in love once
with my husband.
Our matrimony was...
mostly perfect...
There were a few
bumps in our road.
Mister Robert, never
let go of your beloved,
for nothing is more
precious than love.
Hey, guys,
in light of Robert
Klingher's recent passing,
the School Board has
brought in a specialist
to speak to you
guys about grief.
Good morning,
Patrick Moore High.
Kelsey, what are you doing?
I'm diversifying my company.
I hear you all are grieving.
I'm Kelsey Petersen,
CEO of Sock Puppet
Therapy, Incorporated.
And my friends and I
are here to tell you
that grief is okay.
Before we get started, I need
a volunteer from the audience.
Come on up here.
Come on, Fern.
Just put on the sock puppet.
And if you could read the
lines from this script,
that would be awesome.
Fern and I are going to
recreate a conversation
that a lot of you
have had lately.
Whenever you're ready, Fern.
"Have you heard about Javier?"
"He is dead now and
he's not coming back.
"My emotions are
really turbulent.
"Why did this have to happen?"
"Everyone dies eventually.
"Some sooner than others.
"The important thing
is that he loved you."
And you, and you,
and you, and you.
Thank you, Fern.
That was lovely.
And thank you for
the segue, Fern.
The first stage of
grief is denial.
Robert, Robert, Robert.
Why'd you summon me here?
You said I needed
time to myself.
I wish I had a cute musician
to teach me how to play.
Preferably one with big
eyebrows and a dashing suit.
What else can you do?
If you're going to stay at school
then you have to be quiet.
Beats hanging out
in the cemetery.
In two weeks we have the biggest
Goddamn meet of the year.
The Patrick Moore Invitational.
I need everyone to
give 5,000% at practice.
If you lollygag,
I will shit on you.
Especially you, Carla.
Get outta here.
Will the MIT coach be there?
That gives us two weeks to get
your 400 down to 56.
Are you trying to leave me?
No, no, but it's
my dream school
and it's only four years.
Yeah, but what if
you forget about me?
Do I just cease to exist
if you forget about me?
I'm pretty sure I could
never forget about you, Robert.
MIT is overrated anyways.
Let's go, Fern! Let's go!
You don't want to get into MIT.
You don't want it bad enough.
So tonight, we are going
to have a romantic dinner
at the cemetery at six o'clock.
I would love to,
Robert, but I...
I have cheese.
It's goat cheese.
Like the goatiest
of goat cheese.
You're gonna love it. I have
to finish up that lab report.
No, no, no, look,
look, look, look.
I've also got wine.
This comes from the
hills of Venezuela.
I don't have time
tonight, I'm sorry.
Look, I am going
to be at the cemetery
and I know that you
will make some time.
It'll be just
like our first date,
but I will be way less awkward.
Do you know
anything about ghosts?
You're weird.
No, but I do get why
people believe in them.
They're comforting.
When my grandpa died
when I was seven,
I'd like to believe
that he was a ghost,
helping me with my homework,
playing chess with me.
Sorry, was that TMI?
No, it's okay.
I'd better go.
If I leave Jenny
alone in the lab
she's probably
going to blow it up.
So see ya.
All right.
See ya.
Okay, well, I'm going out.
Good luck with
this, best friend.
Jenny, wait.
Wine, Robert?
I know you're trying be cute,
but creepy music and
ghost magic isn't cute.
I'm finishing this
lab no matter what.
Robert, being dead does
not give you the right
to be obnoxious.
Robert, where are you?
You destroyed my lab.
You have
a new boyfriend?
I left these for myself.
That's unhealthy, Fern.
Robert's an angel in heaven now.
He's not.
Never mind.
Robert loved you.
He wrote a song on
his guitar for you.
I got so wet from that.
My eyes, they
teared up so much.
Hi, Fern.
Hi, Moe.
So how'd the lab go last night?
Well, you left, but my...
So, because Georgia,
Natasha, and I
are the most esteemed women
at Patrick Moore High,
we feel we have certain
to the students' bodies.
Student body. It's a...
So, what do you
think of these?
The Robert Klingher
Foundation for Beheaded Youth.
So that what
happened to Robert
never happens to
anyone ever again.
The probability of
that happening is like
a million to one, so like...
I know. You are so unlucky.
And he, like,
actually liked you.
That's rare for a guy,
especially for you.
No offense.
I'm sorry.
When I need time to be alone,
I need you to understand.
For you, I will do anything.
I promise.
I missed you.
Wait, wait, wait,
I want this to be perfect.
It will be.
We just have to try.
Actually happening.
We're really doing
this right now.
Fern's around, just ask her.
Fern, can you help me
with my.
God I feel like the
mom from "Black Swan".
Don't-don't look at this.
I'm so sorry that happened.
No, I-I'm sorry.
So are we still?
Hold on.
Are you sure?
It's okay.
You ready?
I thought this would be hard.
This is fun.
It's hard and fun.
We are having sex.
We're having sex.
Wait, Robert.
I-I think I'm about to...
I think I'm gonna...
I love you, too.
My God!
I don't think I can
do this anymore.
Look, we don't have
to have sex again,
we can just snuggle.
Robert, you're a great guy,
but our relationship is doomed.
Our love survived death.
But we don't fit into
each other's life plans
or death plans, sorry.
Robert, I think we should
stop seeing each other.
No one can see me but you.
Best friend.
-Hello, Jenny.
-You must be so lonely without your beloved Robert.
So I'm inviting you to my
exclusive party, you sexy bitch.
What an honor.
And you can bring your
second best friend, Moe, too.
See ya soon.
So a party.
What do we do?
Act natural.
And dance like this.
Twerk it out.
A drink to ease
your pain, Fern.
And one for you, Moe.
I don't drink and I
have practice tomorrow.
To Robert, the only
boy who ever loved you.
Screw it.
I don't think.
We're killing this handle!
Wait. No, no, no,
Fern, Fern, Fern.
I'm in.
My God, blood!
My God!
I told you she was weird!
My God, are you okay?
Do you need to go
to the hospital?
I had too much to drink.
Is there a toilet?
What has gotten into you lately?
What the fuck?
That'll show her.
Our first time
was supposed to be perfect
with trumpets and butterflies.
Your first time drinking?
No, my first
time hav...
I forgive you for
ruining my party.
You're my best friend.
I'll always be here for you.
I will stay here all
night if I have to.
Nap time.
Moe, can you,
deal with this?
Come on, Fern.
Let's, Fern?
Come on, let's get you home.
You need to cut...
Three seconds, I know.
Crazy girl.
Hey, you look
down in the dumps.
Yeah, I'm pretty
bummed about my ex.
Why, I mean, you'll
get over her soon.
It's a high school relationship,
it's not meant to last.
Like it's, it's
not serious, right?
You know what we should do?
We need to get in a car, and
just lean out the sun roof
and let the wind
blow in our face.
Just like they do in the movies.
That sounds dangerous.
Look, you can go
a little faster.
What if Principal
Almond sees us?
The best thing ever!
The best day ever!
Sorry, bro.
Stay away.
Marcus, is that you?
Hey, Harlan.
I just had a run in
with floating scissors.
Leave me alone
whoever you are.
Robert's tried to hurt
Harlan... with scissors.
I said, go away!
Read this, basic info
on vanquishing ghosts.
You'll need one of these, too.
Don't point
thing in my face.
A toy gun?
It might look like a toy,
but it's your best
defense against ghosts.
It paralyzes them temporality.
Take these, too.
You take one, you see all
ghosts, not just Robert.
Even when they don't
want you to see them.
What's in this pill?
Ghost science.
Shut the fuck up.
Stop haunting my porch, Granny.
Fuck you, Valeria.
Fuck you, too.
Get some sleep.
Practice will be rough tomorrow.
I still need your help.
I retired for a reason.
I love you beary much.
I love you beary much.
I love you-love you beary,
I love you beary much.
I love you beary much.
What the hell
were you thinking?
I was showing you
how much I love you.
Robert, get out.
I wish you'd stay dead.
Robert, I'm sorry that it's
my fault that you died, okay?
But this just can't work.
It's not that you're dead.
It's that I'm alive.
I just wanted things to
be the way that they were.
I'll stay outta your hair.
The living toddle on,
begin their lives anew,
but we remain alone.
My husband bequeathed
his love to a new wife
and they lived
happily ever after.
How I wish my husband
could've passed when I did.
We could have spent
the afterlife together.
"It's not that you're
dead, it's that I'm alive."
What was that, Mister Robert?
I wish I had a boyfriend
who would go to town on me...
with gifts like these.
Besides you, Jesus.
I wish I could find
a guy like you.
So let me get this straight.
Robert comes back as a ghost.
So ghosts are real now, cool.
He comes to dinner with us.
He listens to me talk about
my sock puppet startup,
which, by the way, failed
because Kickstarter
took all my money.
It's a really a
fucked up system.
You guys ready?
My entire conception of reality
has been shattered, but, yeah.
My God, you got into MIT?
Yeah, they sent out most
of their acceptances today.
Got in MIT.
Congrats, Larry.
Dude, how many people
did you have to bang
to get in there?
Congrats, Larry.
That's my boy.
Thanks, thanks,
thank you.
You're kinda hot.
That's my boy.
I'm proud of this man.
Thanks, thanks.
Hey, congratulations.
If you want the
MIT to notice you...
I need to drop
my time down to 56.
I know.
That scout's going to be like,
"Who's that skinny white girl?"
and I'm gonna be like,
"Its Fern, bitches."
Did you vanquish Robert?
He vanquished himself.
We're goin' out for
the evening, honey.
We're going to a hookah bar.
Aren't you guys a
little old for that?
As long as I can have a beer.
You can have a beer
and you're gonna try
the hookah this time.
You promised me.
I know.
Robert, get out!
I said that we were over.
Yeah, because you're alive.
I get it.
I'll be with you
the entire time.
All you have to do is make
a small slice up your arm.
It'll be worth it.
Fern Petersen...
will you die for me?
Kelsey! Kelsey!
Kelsey, get back to bed.
Shush, Dean.
What? Hey.
Hey, sis, what's goin' on?
Robert's trying to kill me.
Get a weapon.
Take one.
This is Valeria, don't
have time for your shit.
Valeria, Robert's in my
house trying to kill me.
And any help would be
enormously fucking appreciated.
Come on.
Fuck, you're still here.
Babe, I came up
with a safe word.
Yeah, look who finally
decided to join in.
Pow, pow, pow, pow.
Hey, come here, Fern!
You are disgusting!
You asshole!
No, you're not supposed
to fucking like it.
We are over!
I love you beary much.
What the hell was that?
You are beary special.
I love you, I love
you beary much.
I love you beary much.
I love you beary much.
What is that?
What is that?
My God!
What the fuck is up with that?
Fern, I brought
you a load of goodies
for your meet tomorrow.
I love you beary much.
That's not good!
That's not good!
That's not good!
-I love you beary much.
-Fuck, Fern!
You're a heartbreaking
witch, Fern Petersen!
Who are you hitting?
I love you beary much.
Go get them.
What the!
Get off me! My God,
I don't want to die!
My God!
I've never been married,
I've never had kids,
I've never gotten four
fingers in her.
I love you.
Fern, if I can't come
in your front door,
can I come in your back door?
I love you beary much.
Kelsey, before we die,
I gotta confess,
I cheated on you with
the Waffle House waitress
with the huge tits.
I am glad I got
that off my chest.
What are those things?
Are those demon bears?
What the hell are those?
I love you beary much.
My God.
My fucking God!
What the fucking, fuck!
No, no.
Die, motherfucker!
Got a band-aid?
Behind you.
Get the fuck out, Robert.
I'm not scared of a water gun.
It's a ghost laser.
It lasers ghosts.
Well, it's broken.
It won't work anyways.
You sure you wanna test that?
I love you, Fern,
'til the day you die.
You're back.
Wait, fuck you!
You cheated on me and still
wanna sleep with my sister.
No, fuck you!
You got me killed!
You were a god among men, Dean.
I'm leavin' and I'm taking
my flawless body with me.
Come on let's go, Dean.
She doesn't deserve you.
I can't believe I
almost married him.
I should really rethink my life.
Also, I can't feel my hands.
Is that normal?
No, that's not normal at all.
Hey, Fern, I've
been wait...
Kelsey got bit by a raccoon?
Poor animal regulation.
It's a citywide problem.
I love you, Kelsey.
I love you too, Fern.
Fern, I found this
in Kelsey's room.
I think he's going to the
track meet tomorrow night.
I don't know why Robert
would do this, I mean,
I don't know why anyone would do
this, but it's pretty messed up.
When he said he loved me,
he must have been lying.
If someone loves you,
even if it's for only
five fucking seconds,
they wouldn't do this, right?
Damn it.
Wherever I go he'll find me.
He'll kill Kelsey,
he'll hurt you.
I'll be dead for an eternity
with a bastard who'd rather
kill me than see me happy.
How could God let this happen?
What are we gonna do, Fern?
She will die for
you, Mister Robert.
You're already dead.
What do you have to lose?
If I'm not meant to
be her one and only...
I'll make it that way.
Did you get my message?
I'm leaving, Fern.
I came to this town
to start a new life,
not to do this
ghost-hunting shit.
But, Coach, I need you,
the track meet is tomorrow.
Once love ghosts go down
this path, they're unstoppable.
What am I supposed to
do, roll over and die?
Fern, when I was your age,
I was in a car accident.
The car accident killed
my mother and my granny.
They came back as love ghosts.
And at first, we were so happy.
And then they tried
to make me join them.
I vanquished my own mother.
And to this day my granny
haunts me, bitter and alone.
Love ghosts can only be
vanquished if they know
you don't love them anymore.
But they can delude themselves
to believe anything.
And it's damn hard to
stop loving someone,
no matter what they do to you.
Coach, you can't
leave me here.
I'm sorry, Fern.
Come on, honey.
We know you're still
upset about Robert's death
and about Kelsey's neck.
You know when I lost
my best buddy in 'Nam,
I didn't want to leave
my bunk for weeks.
Hey, Fern, you
know what a SNAFU is?
Normal All Fucked Up.
Tell her about the, FUPA?
N-no, FUBAR.
Fucked up.
Beyond all repair.
Hey, you know
what you gotta do?
You gotta get up, and
win one for the Gipper.
You know who the
Gipper is, don't you?
Yeah, Dad, it's Reagan,
I know.
That's right.
Come on.
I have something to tell you.
Robert, I hate you.
Robert, I hate you!
I'll never love you, Robert.
Robert, you're controlling,
you're selfish.
Even if I can't
kill you tonight,
you won't win your race,
you won't go to MIT.
You'll stay here with me.
You still love me,
I know you do.
Go to hell, Robert Klingher.
Is this the ice cream social...
for the newly deads?
No, we're killin' someone.
That is fucked up!
Welcome to the fifth annual
Patrick Moore Invitational.
If you're driving a
red Toyota Corolla,
you are parked in
a reserved space.
Please move your vehicle
before it is towed.
Concessions are available below
the bleachers... Hey, Moe.
Is that the MIT scout?
I think it is.
The 400 meter dash will begin
after a poignant message
from Senior Class President,
Jenny Bernstein.
What the hell?
The Student Council
has renamed this meet
after our dear friend,
Robert, who died horribly,
all because he loved his
girlfriend, Fern Petersen,
my best friend.
Hi, Fern.
Robert would watch Fern
run on this very track.
Occasionally, he
would glance at me,
but he always remained faithful.
He truly was a martyr.
All proceeds from
this meet go to the
Robert Klingher Memorial
Fund for Beheaded Youth.
2.6 American youths
are beheaded each year.
And we think that's wrong.
Robert, we dedicate this
meet to your memory.
That was a good speech.
Thank you, Jenny Bernstein.
You truly are a blessing
to Patrick Moore High.
Running for St. Johns
High, Kat Ashman.
Running for Penn Charter...
Get ready.
Is Laura Kura.
Running for Tammel Price
High is Eric Lieberman.
Representing Patrick Moore
High is school record holder
Fern Peterson.
Runners to your marks!
That is Fern Petersen
of Patrick Moore High,
neck and neck for the lead.
That's Fern Petersen in
the lead and she's carrying
a water gun.
Fern Petersen has tripped.
What is Fern Petersen doing?
Lacey Jackson of Spring
Tree High wins first place.
First Battalion, assemble!
Take it in the
mouth and swallow.
Kelsey, crowd control.
Okay, people,
nothin' to see here,
just a group of people
puttin' on a show,
an innocent, little
Rushing the field
is not permitted.
Please stay in your seats.
Fern, I love you.
What you're
seeing is a-a play.
Very experimental piece.
Very avant-garde.
Fern's my best friend.
I have to go help her.
She's such a good person.
Best friend, I'm
coming for you.
No, no, no!
No, you dumb ho, get
back here!
Best friend,
what are you doing?
My God!
Where's your hand?
That was
someone call 911, actually,
'cause that was real.
Love always prevails.
Back away from Fern!
I'm back, mother fuckers.
Back off!
Why don't you love me?
No problem.
Do it now, Fern!
Robert, I don't love you.
I don't love you.
I don't love you.
I don't love you.
I don't love you.
I don't love you.
I don't love you.
This is all perfectly explicable
by the rules of science.
I did this for you, Fern.
We could've been perfect.
are never perfect.
You were my first love, Robert.
But people change and maybe we
could've been happy together,
but that's not what
I'll be all alone up there.
No, you won't.
You could woo Joan of Arc,
you could date Amelia Earhart.
There's someone up there
for you, but it's not me.
And you have to let go, Robert.
Fern, I'm sorry...
for everything.
When you remember me,
can you try to remember
the good times?
Whenever you can?
If you can?
Thank you, everyone,
and goodnight.
The track meet
has been canceled
due to unexpected
cosmic activity.
Can someone get my legs?
Have a lovely evening.
Thank you for coming.
And we'll call it the
Jenny Bernstein Memorial
Foundation for Behanded Youth.
Suck a dick, Georgia.
That was nuts.
Jenny got her hand cut off
and-and what-what
was that in the sky?
It was a portal from
another dimension.
Cool, yeah, okay.
Hey, dude, Fern?
She wants your D.
-Thanks, Marcus.
-Yeah, you're good, you're good.
All right, cool.
Well, I'm just gonna to stretch
'cause, you know, game day.
Fern Petersen?
I'm Abigail Hillstone,
recruiter for MIT.
Hi, I'm sorry...
Take this.
That's my husband's card.
He's a psychiatrist.
I'm sure he can help
you and your friends.
Fern, are you okay?
And I got a contact, sort of.
Let's get the
fuck out of here.
You did good, kid.
Sorry about MIT.
Side hug.
You have blood all over you.
Shut up.
See you at practice.
I'm damn proud of you,
Thanks, Dad.
I'm Fern.
Honey, I think you
have a concussion.
And I'm proud of you too,
Thanks, Dad.
I'm drivin'.
I'll catch up with
you guys in a second.
So, I was,
wondering if,
maybe you would like to
next weekend go for
dinner or something?
I thought you were
done with relationships.
I was.
Actually, I think I
want to stay single,
like, for a while.
Yeah, that makes sense.
But we can still stay friends
and for right now, just chill.
I mean, you think
that's gonna work out?
I have no idea.