Clocking The T (2024) Movie Script
[]
[]
[typing]
[mouse clicks]
[mouse clicks]
[typing]
[]
[bell dings]
[typing]
[urinating]
[]
[bag rip]
[chewing]
[]
[mouse clicks]
[typing]
[mouse clicks]
STANFIELD: What's going on?
You just wake up?
It's ten o'clock already.
Yeah, no, I was going to bed.
Ninjas don't work during the day.
You know who this is?
Uh, no, who is it?
You never got a call?
Call from who?
Right. I'm Bill Stanfield.
I'm an EVP in the theatrical
advertising wing over at...
Oh no, yeah.
Sarah did call about that... maybe... um...
You're the movie guy, right?
I'm the guy.
You seen 'Triple Helix?'
The comic book movie?
- Yeah.
- You know that movie?
- Yeah.
- You like it?
- Yeah, yeah
- I really don't care.
We're making a sequel this summer.
[dogs barking] We got a
problem. The movie got out.
We don't know how but there's a torrent.
People are downloading it now.
Oh man, how'd that happen?
Don't know that yet.
The FBI's involved.
- The FBI?
- Well, it's a big deal.
Sarah said you were the guy
who could help us
redirect any negative buzz.
I am the guy.
Well, we have a real shit
storm brewing over here.
Every geek in the world is gonna want to
watch this rough cut and
start throwing tomatoes.
So, we need somebody to
u-turn the anticipointment.
Well, that's what we do.
Anybody posts a negative about our clients
we hit them back faster
than a two-pump chump.
Perfect!
She said you did some work for...
I can't tell you that, man.
I need you to tell me something.
She just gave me this number.
I... I don't even know
where you're at.
Well, it's a security issue, really.
I mean, this facility has a lot of, uh
sensitive data on hard drives, so...
I mean, you wouldn't want
me to tell the next caller
about what we're doing for you, right?
Tell 'em who you are?
That is an emphatic fuck no.
'Kay. So this is how
this works.
[sigh]
We had some people on it.
What people?
Coffee getting people.
[chuckles] Epic fail, right?
Yeah. Epic fail, right.
I don't know what they were thinking.
How do you do it?
My secret is that we
make every post count.
We make every post count
because we do not get coffee.
I mean, all you have
to do is pull the trigger
and walk away in slow motion.
All right. What's my buy in?
How do I know if this works?
Hello?
- Hello?
- You hear that?
That's silence.
That's when you know you've won.
ROB: He's gonna pay us $35 grand
for just six weeks of work?
Ho, ho, ho! I'm shittin'
sunshine here!
DAVE: Yeah, well, you better be
shitting 500 posts a day.
STEVE: No problem. DAVE: I mean,
we gotta gas every one of these threads
so people still buy a ticket next month.
STEVE: Damn dude,
you landed a whale!
TREVOR: Looks like it was posted
four days ago.
Check this, it's seeding everywhere.
STEVE: Wait... this hasn't hit
the news yet?
DAVE: He said it's going to
hit the news tonight
or tomorrow, so, uh
that's when the real fun starts, boys.
TREVOR: Wow, these fan forums
are blowing up.
Everybody who's seen it says it's a turd.
Oh man, this is one of their coffee guys
dowhatsright: Downloading this movie
is why you have runaway production.
STEVE: Wow!
ROB: That is some bush league planting!
No wonder they're getting
pulled out and scalped.
It's like watching a clown
give a kid a concrete balloon.
ROB: And the kid's staring
at a wall.
STEVE: Dave, check your shirt,
dude.
ROB: Let's talk schedules.
TREVOR: I can handle all my
heavy lifting at night.
STEVE: Me too, I have nights.
TREVOR: You mean days?
STEVE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nights.
ROB: And Dave, you're working
all day long.
DAVE: Fuck me... ROB: No, fuck you.
[sigh]
Hi.
Hi.
Uh...
- I'm gonna get a cup.
- Uh huh.
[sigh]
DAVE: Can I get a coffee,
but with half honey,
half aspartame, and half that syrup stuff?
You guys draw on the foam?
Can you do it with caramel?
BARISTA: Yeah, there's a
StarCups up the block.
Oh yeah, no. Can I get
a chocolate milk instead?
Yeah, thank you.
[sigh]
Huh...
[sigh]
Sorry. Work.
- Busy guy?
- Uh yeah...
And my battery's almost
out, so, uh... Ah, I hate that.
Yeah, it's uh, it's...
Oh, is that the dog?
Yeah! That's my dog. [Chuckle]
[inhales]
You're not one of those people who, like,
you let your dog lick your face, are you?
Why? You don't like that?
[shiver]
No.
It's just a little lick.
It's not the only place they lick.
[gasp]
'Mmm, yeah, yeah,
my battery is dying.'
You know what would
make your phone last longer?
Turning it the fuck off!
OH MY GOD, YOU ARE 70 YEARS OLD!
YOU'RE GONNA DIE IN TRAFFIC?
DIE ON THE PEDAL ALREADY!
JUST GO!
GO!
PAGE: Curtis! More Band-Aids
to the drop off station.
[phone rings]
Ow!
AVALINE: So, how'd it go?
Why do old people drive so slow?
Aren't they going to die soon?
If I was older I'd like to get there faster
because I don't have a lot of time left!
No. I meant the guy.
- [sigh]
- You didn't pick up the call.
I'm making the 'gag me' motion.
Right now.
[chuckle] I'm sorry.
[slam desk]
You need to process Joaquin.
Let him go today.
What happened?
His supervisor told him to do something
and he asked questions.
[IN SPANISH] Hola, presucia.
Good morning.
Then we're done here?
Hm-hmm.
[sigh]
AVALINE: So what happened
with that guy?
CANDACE: Ugh. I don't want
to talk about it.
He needed the job.
I couldn't help him.
And then he told me to fuck off.
No, the guy.
- The guy...?
- Yeah. Today.
- Oh, 'the guy.'
- Yeah!
No. I passed on that application.
I don't hire people that show up
to an interview without a shirt on.
I shouldn't have even met a guy named Dave.
It's a loser name.
- It is?
- Oh, yeah.
Anybody I've ever met named
Dave has been bad news.
Debbie's too.
- You know what? You're right.
- Mm-hmm.
Steve's suck.
Steve's do suck!
You know what? I dated this guy
named Steve once.
And he... sent me a picture of his junk.
- Oh...
- Yeah. Yeah.
Disgusting. I told him that.
And then he told me
I was hostile to him being
emotionally open.'
[laugh]
Well, since we're being honest here.
That's a nicer dick than
the ones they send me.
- Look at that one.
- Oh! Ooh!
- Agh! Ugh!
- [laugh]
- Come on!
- Looks like a leopard!
- I don't want to look at that!
- [laugh]
No! No!
Anyway, after that I called him
'Mr. X-Rated.'
And then there was
'Pompous And Cheapskate.'
You know, he would go on and on at dinner
until I had to pick up the check.
I dated this one guy that
every time we kissed, he cried.
Turns out he was
cheatin' on his girlfriend.
I call him 'The Piece Of Shit.'
See, I have a 'No List' for a reason.
So I don't end up wearing a muumuu
and putting curlers in my bangs, you know.
[chuckle]
I'm gonna wait for the next sale.
And a better coupon.
[]
[typing]
[]
[sigh]
[tapping]
- Are you waiting on Bill?
- Yeah.
He said this morning?
- Yeah.
- Well, he's not here.
He had another appointment.
Can I ask what it was about?
No. Just-just call him?
Wait here.
[sigh]
[traffic]
[]
[sigh]
Fuck me.
[chirping birds]
[text alert]
[groan]
[text alert]
Hmm...
[text alert]
[text alert]
[text alert]
[chuckle]
Hmm...
[]
[distant traffic]
CANDACE: On your profile it says
you did internet stuff.
I thought you meant websites.
Well, uh, no. I'm an astroturfer.
What is that? You go online
and call other people efftards?
- Efftards?
- You know what that means?
It's half 'effer', half retard.
No, no, no. I know
what it means. Uh...
Yeah, it's stealth P.R., really.
We just go online and give
the 'whoever paid us' side.
Honestly, that's not really a job.
If I interview somebody with a blank resume
I have to assume drug dealer
or drug dealer who
still lives with his mother.
I'd close your folder right now
and get on the intercom.
Code Gray is a combative person.
Well, the only thing that
shoots bullets is my tongue.
- [chuckle]
- Um...
It's a lot of vague booking and um
saying what the problem is
but not really saying
what the problem is, so...
Hi.
I ordered this cheeseburger
just meat and cheese
and there's, uh, really a
lot of stuff on here I don't...
WAITRESS: I'll take care of it.
- Thank you so much.
Uh... There's three things
I hate more than anything.
All three of which are ketchup.
What do you put on your fries?
Uh... I don't really like potatoes either.
[chuckle]
Huh.
What? You don't have
any enemies?
Mmm... I...
The printer at work.
Yeah. That's-that's
the same thing.
In a sense.
That's what I'm talking about.
I don't think we're a good fit.
See, I'm an outdoor girl.
I need my fresh air.
So I don't really ever date guys that don't
ever get out or don't ever tan.
Redheads, basically.
Or guys with freckles.
Or anyone 420 friendly.
Or guys that still wear
their hats sideways.
Or stupid 50's hats.
And guys that talk too much
and guys that talk too little.
And guys that still own typewriters.
And towel folders and beer drinkers
and bronies and artists
in their blue periods
and momma's boys, commitmentphobes,
Jesus Chrispies, and wasteoids.
So you sure know what you don't want.
Um...
Do you know what you do want?
I don't want to date a gamer ever again.
I'm not a gamer.
[chuckle]
You're pretty.
Meh... - I like you.
- Yeah.
Uh... You liked my profile,
right?
Mmm, yeah.
- Tell the truth.
- [laugh]
Well, if I did the arithmetic
you were funny on the phone the first time.
Well, I'm pretty funny on the phone.
Which is a plus. But then we met
and you weren't funny at all.
Well, I'm not really as good live.
Yeah, and now you're saying X and Y
and it's all sounding like algebra
which I don't know how to do.
- Just...
Yeah, no, just give me a shot.
This is sounding a lot like one of
those condo sales pitches
I have to sit through to get
a free weekend in Palm Springs.
I mean...
Shouldn't I listen to the
voice in my head that's saying,
I don't know, this isn't
magic.
No.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
This is where you listen
to the announcement
telling you to fasten your seat belt
and put your tray tables up.
[laugh]
You know, human beings do have
the same germs on their skin as dogs.
Yeah, once they lick you, sure.
[chuckle]
Touch.
I love this place.
I've been here like four times before
and it's always been pretty good
but... I can't believe...
Oh, they charged us for the bread?
I didn't know you could do that.
They just set it down.
Of course I'm going to eat it.
That's fine... [Dave's voice fades away]
You're cute.
Cute?
Yeah...
It's better than good looking, you know.
- It lasts longer.
- Yeah?
Anyway...
- We'll see what's shaking.
- OK.
You can ping me later.
- Great.
- I gotta go
- Thanks.
- Alright. Night.
[]
Girl, I am cuter than the other guys.
Probably.
[]
[ringtone]
This is my time to shine
and I will blind the sun
Cause I've been waiting
for this moment
since time begun and it...
- Hey, how's it goin'?
- STANFIELD: Dude!
We're reading your posts.
You're ferocious, man.
You like?
Every one of them hits
some emotional trigger.
You never take the road to reason.
Man, this type of thing is definitely
in your wheelhouse.
Hey man, we're ninjas.
We're skilled in the art
of stealth and deception.
Somebody tries to catch us, we just-whoo!
Disappear in a puff of smoke.
Wait, wait... Are you in the bathroom?
Uh... No! No!
Sounds like you're in the the can.
You're not cuttin' a loaf, are you?
- Uh...
- Ha! I'm just fuckin' with ya!
Where does that phrase come from?
Who cuts their loaf?
It's more like a pinch.
- So, uh, how's the movie going?
- Aw, they're in reshoots now.
I told you, it's not finished yet.
We're still filming.
Really? It opens in less
than a month.
It's not outside the norm.
Hey, the reason I called...
I... I need more posts from you.
We're looking for about a 1,000 a day.
Look man, we can't do that.
You kidding me?
They can in Bangladesh.
Yeah sure, if you want posts like:
"Oh, grief! Cousin died
mysterious death
left you twenty percent
of $12.5 million."
I don't want to boil the ocean here.
We're just talking another 10%.
- [computer chime]
Fuck me.
What?
Uh... I-It's just we can't do that.
That's another 100%.
We agreed on 500 posts.
They're all handcrafted.
We log in manually each time.
Dude, we like what
you guys are delivering.
Just keep up the innovative trolling
the 'trollovating, ' I guess...
I just need you to deep
dive your touch points
right in the virtual nuts.
It's not how this works.
I mean, carpet bombing
is exactly how it sounds.
It's yelling.
We got to keep this to a whisper.
Otherwise, you might as well
get your coffee guys back on it.
If you guys aren't full
service you can't help me.
Why don't you get all hands on deck,
circle back, and see what you can do.
I believe in you, buddy.
I gotta fiber. Call me, Okay?
[phone disconnects]
ROB: He wants to make
a 1,000 pops a day?
I can hardly make 20 an hour as it is.
TREVOR: How are we going to
do that? I can't do that.
Oh you're doing it, all right?
This is a party size bag of pain
and everybody's double dippin'.
This job, man...
This is the one, all right.
This is why we built this company.
Look at this girl.
- She's in I.T.
- Mm-hmm
- She can fix my computer.
- So go out with her, man.
Oh, unless she's like
the last girl that you dated.
And got back with.
And got back with.
And got back with.
TREVOR: Plus, we still have
our reviews
for the WashKings pending.
Look, this job is putting us
way behind on our other stuff.
I can't.
And for one inarguable reason.
Mm-hmm?
I cannot keep washing
my dishes or making my bed.
It's killing me!
TREVOR: You could try
being yourself.
Wait, no, that's not a good idea.
- Way to be helpful.
- I don't know what you want...
[sigh]
This girl... you get to
any bases?
Ah, I'm still up to bat.
Not even first base?
You haven't fucked her yet?
- You fuck on first base?
- Mmm.
What do you do by third base?
Bury her body in the desert?
So go out with both!
Yeah, no, that is not a real time strategy.
- I mean, this girl.
- Mm-hmm.
She is online all the time.
That little green dot next to her profile?
Like, all the time.
I bet she's already on another date.
So, in that sense... I should.
Absolutely.
Well, you got two girls and one job.
What do you want?
- I have to choose?
- Yeah, of the girls.
Keep the job.
Well, if I have to, with a few caveats,
I would choose not to have
to wash my dishes anymore.
And really
not scrubbing my toilet at all.
Why don't you choose not to do that
and choose to make a lot more pops.
Because you're falling way behind, buddy.
Thank you, Rob.
Thank you.
[ringtone]
Not while I'm driving!
Hello?
DAVE: Hey. What are you doing?
Trying to order a burrito online.
- I called you.
- Yes, you have.
Um, you want to do something later?
- Like what?
- I don't know...
Wanna play King For A Day?
I can't do that.
You have a Queen For A Day?
I could do that.
Yeah, not really.
Nice try though.
What else you got?
[chuckle]
[]
[CyberBot #1 speaks]
[CyberBot #2 speaks]
WarFlare!
We meet again!
Viktor.
Return the protonic
destabilizer and I promise
you will die quickly.
What?
- Return
- No, no... I just couldn't hear you
over all the 'fuck you's' in my head.
NO!
We have spatial displacement!
My God, it's Philadelphia all over again!
Hang on!
[WarFlare screams]
[explosion]
DAVE: I've never heard of anyone
in H.R. before.
I mean, I thought you'd have
more interesting stories
about firing people.
Like, you fire a guy and
he stays in the room until
you get a fire extinguisher
and you blast him out.
- [laugh]
- Get out of here!
- No.
That's the worst part.
Even idiots need a job.
I thought it was different when I started.
I spend a lot of time managing egos.
Sometimes I feel like a therapist
who needs a therapist,
which is crazy.
So yeah, I don't know if this
is really working. It's...
Feel like all the blood's
rushing to my head.
So it's... you know, weird.
I do this every night.
It's good for not getting varicose veins
when you're older.
You're more or less an exercisibitionist.
Like one of those women who
dress up in yoga pants all the time
so guys get in rear enders.
No! No. Only at the gym.
Well, you're a very...
up and at 'em woman.
Yes, I am.
I guess.
I don't know, I just do things.
Nobody does them with me. So...
I guess I look like I'm hardcore.
I think too much, so it's better
to do it out in sun
than by the refrigerator.
What about you?
Seems like you have a pretty strong
'get up and go' ethic yourself.
Yeah, my, um...
My Dad burned that into me pretty young.
He, uh...
He was mowing the lawn once and...
you know, sweating like a dog,
and he thought,
Man, I need a Roomba for this.
And then, uh, it hit him...
No, I have a teenage son.
So...
I've been at it ever since.
You're like a nation to yourself.
I'm a micro nation.
Where are you located?
Currently, uh, located in my bedroom.
But once I nail this job they'll
give me another one and, uh...
I can stop the fun employment
and get a real office.
But
till then I gotta keep
power crapping this stuff out.
You got a wicked tongue.
That's cause I am wicked.
[chuckle]
KATERI: I find your charms
insufferable!
Bye.
Night.
[breathing fast]
[breathing slowly]
AVALINE: So, you got a little wow
for this guy, huh?
It's like a yop.
More like a... flirtationship.
Girl, cuddling is not flirtin'.
We were, you know, spooning not forking.
- Oh, no...
- Isn't what he does illegal?
- Mmm.
- You know I'm gonna look it up.
You won't find it.
It's like terrorist cells.
It's all word of mouth.
You know at least he owns his own business.
Not like me.
Look, you know I'm
divorced so don't listen to me.
But you haven't said one nice thing
about this man yet.
I'm just sayin'.
It's just the more I think about it,
I shouldn't even be dating this guy.
That's why I'm not thinking about it.
Honey, you know what your problem is?
It's that you like to date
all these smart men.
See, what you need to do
is get yourself a stupid man.
They're so much easier to control.
Maybe.
And you need to stop
smoking those damn cigarettes.
[sigh]
[]
[text alert]
[]
- Hey.
- Hey.
So your place looks nice.
Yeah.
[chuckle]
Our third date.
No, really it's our first.
Well, no. Uh...
Officially, this is three
times we've been out.
No, you're picking me up in your car.
You asked me out and you're picking me up.
That's an official date.
Before was kind of a...
get together type of thing.
Uh, you're going to take Olive?
It's gonna actually be a lot quicker
if you go up through the back on Glenoaks.
But you would have to turn left.
Left.
- Uh...
- Now!
Like now you would have to...
That's okay, we can go this way.
[bowling strike]
[]
Whoo hoo!
CANDACE: Not bad.
Ah...
I use these two fingers.
- That's what I actually do.
- Hmm.
- Show us what you got!
- [effort]
Ooh hoo, not bad.
Alrighty!
Yeah!
- Ooh!
- Thanks. Oh, thanks.
Oh, why thank you.
[chuckle]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
- OH!
Ah [chuckle]
[chuckles]
Nice.
You know, I never thought
we'd end up going out.
No I did.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
I know what I want.
Watch this.
[bowling strike]
[orgasmic moan]
That was all up votes.
We laid in the lube.
- What?
- [laugh]
Oh, God...
[helicopter passes outside]
[]
Hello?
What are you doing?
Dave?
Dave?
Come back to bed, it's really late.
Hello?
Dave? I'm talking to you...
[her voice fades away]
[music stops]
What?
Candace?
Candace?
Candace?
[]
[text alert]
[text alert]
[text alert]
[text alert]
[sigh]
[text alert]
Stop!!!!
[ringtone]
Not while I'm driving!!
[sigh]
We need to talk.
Let's talk.
We have to let Dan go for theft.
Chemicals? Client data?
The soda machine.
Is it... gone?
There's money missing!
How much?
Twenty-five cents.
Maybe the machine ate it...
This is not a sock in the dryer.
This a discrepancy in funds.
That's cause for termination.
Did Dan say he was short?
No. He said he wasn't.
But it is.
Have you been listening
to anything I've just said?
Yes.
[sigh]
[sigh]
[]
[typing]
[typing]
[music stops]
TREVOR: These 1,000 hits a day
are killing us.
I'm barely sleeping.
We need more people.
Look, I know...
Just copy and paste
some of those attack posts
we made for the Avarkian woman
that was running for city council.
Just search and replace 'lunch trucks'
with 'Triple Helix' and I think
it'll read close enough.
Really? You don't think
he'll notice?
No, these guys are
like dinosaurs before CGI.
They have no idea how any of this works.
But that's how we got this job
and not a real turfing company.
Okay. Got it.
So how's it going with the girl?
- We're buffering.
- Sweet.
Yeah.
[]
[]
Mama please,
send down a sign
To know I'll see you
when I die
I've wandered lost
this road of doubt
My whole damned life
to figure it out...
[]
[music stops]
I moved here cause I moved here, mom.
It's been a year. I'm fine.
[IN GERMAN]
Is that what you want? Fine?
That's funny. Somebody just
said that about me.
Oh.
Is this Mr. Right?
Mr. Right Now.
It's an in-between thing.
It's on hold.
Well, if this man is taking
up a space in your garage,
no one else can park there.
Kay, I'm not going to
be ending up a cat lady.
Okay mom, I-I just...
I don't want to be making demands
in guys houses anymore.
'Kay?
You deserve better.
[sigh]
[refrigerator door opens]
[ringtone]
This is my time to shine
and I will blind the sun
cause I been waiting
for this moment
Hey!
CANDACE: What's up?
Oh nuthin', just, um..
Working.
Uh, so you took off the other night.
I didn't know you were gone.
Does it matter? You were
ignoring me anyways.
- No, I wasn't.
- Yes, you were.
I said blah blah blah
and you didn't even blah blah back to me.
No, I would have
remembered this conversation.
There wasn't a conversation.
- See, you cut me off
- Well, I have scissors.
I was working. Okay?
I don't know if we
should keep hanging out.
Feels like the first time
I quit smoking for real.
But, I mean, we went
to bed on our first date.
That was our third.
I would never go to bed
with someone on the first.
Okay, my head just
exploded and there's stuff
that looks like spaghetti
sauce all over the walls.
Okay, there's ten things you
need to know about women.
Number 10: Do not ignore them.
You know what, that's actually number one.
I'm going to go in ascending order.
Yeah, like there's ten things
you need to know about men.
Number one:
Men don't like being told how to drive.
[dog panting]
Maybe this was a bad idea.
Well, it's the 21st century and really,
everything's a bad idea.
But this whatever we are
is kind of half-assed and...
I need full-assed.
I don't want to sit around
watching you cruise the Internet.
I have self respect. There was
this test I took for my profile,
I scored a 63.
Yeah, no, I'm not cruising.
I'm working.
I mean, as long as they have Wi-Fi
I can pretty much do this or that anywhere.
Watch.
'Downloading Triple Helix is stealing.
Saying otherwise is like
advertising that you are inbred.
Please kill yourself
in a microwave.'
See? Could do that at the opera.
I guess.
Seriously?
I need this job.
For real.
Okay, but we need a tit for tat.
For every microwave burrito,
there's a hike to work it off.
And the mall doesn't count.
Okay, first of all, the mall counts.
- Mmm.
- And second...
Okay...
You're right.
So we agree?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, well, we can get
started after you apologize.
What? You want an apology?
Of course, so we can
end this on a positive note.
But no, I didn't do anything.
Yes, you did.
Are you kidding me?
Okay, I dated this guy who would always
deny that he ever apologized to me.
Just gaslighted me all the time.
Such an asshole. Anyways...
We're going to record
our apologies from now on,
so there are never any misunderstandings.
I need you to do this.
I'm sorry.
For?
Not... doing... anything.
I can edit that out.
I'm sorry, too.
You're not gonna record that?
No, I have no problem with
me being right all the time,
neither do you.
Holy shit.
That's good. I'm gonna
write that one down.
[chuckle]
So, are we made up?
Is there anything else you want to tell me?
No.
Okay, I'm gonna, like
kiss you now.
All right.
[chair screeches]
A little help here, please?
You have to meet me halfway from now on.
Okay.
Well, in that sense,
you gotta kiss me back.
- That's better now.
- Yeah.
I gotta go.
Where you going?
Home.
No... What'd I do now?
No. Nothing.
We just met. I can't stay
two nights in a row.
But yeah, you're not.
You weren't here last night.
- Come on.
- Not tonight.
[helicopter passes overhead]
[]
[traffic]
This sunblock is hypoallergenic.
I use 70 just on my face.
It's a lot of work being this good looking.
There is one thing you should
probably know about guys. Um...
There's some conversations
that make us want to kill ourselves.
- You're listening.
- No, I'm waiting.
We don't have an open
door policy yet, so...
Are those different panties?
Oh, this is post sex underwear.
- Did you go home?
- Nope. It was in my bag.
You carry extra panties?
There's regular underwear,
there's let's get it on underwear,
there's post sex underwear,
and then there's period underwear.
- That's a lot of underwear.
- Uh huh.
- How big is your place?
- It's got a bigger mirror.
Ah!
How would I know?
You, uh, never let me up.
Not yet.
Why?
Because.
We don't have an open door policy yet.
Want to hear about my deodorant?
I'm going to be outside pissing on a bush.
Oh! I'm done, I'm done!
Don't touch my stuff.
God...
Jesus Christ.
You can recycle those.
Obviously.
That's an idea.
[inaudible]
No, you're right. This is
completely inappropriate.
Or you have to have a
conversation with her.
But I can do that for
you, if you need me to.
No, no, I am agreeing with you.
This is unacceptable behavior,
and you... I can have
this conversation for you,
if you would like me to.
AVALINE: Girl, you better
get out of here quick.
I saw Evil Megan lookin' for you.
No, it's wine o'clock.
That drama has to wait till Monday.
- Hey, Candace!
- Yeah?
That movie that leaked on the news?
Is that the guy you went out with?
Dave? Yeah. Yeah,
he's growing on me.
Must be good looking.
I won't be scared if I meet him, will I?
He's got a cute little body.
He doesn't have muscles
like he thinks he does.
Except for the one in his mouth.
That seems to get a work out every day.
He better not turn that thing on me.
Well, I told my friend about him.
- And she said to watch out.
- Ow!
Ugh...
Watch out for what?
I'm listening.
[]
[]
[music stops]
[]
[crowd noise]
[]
So... I told my friend Iris
about your thing.
- My thing?
- Yeah, your job.
- My what?
- About what you do.
Why?
Why not?
Please, don't talk about
what I do. Okay?
It's super hush-hush,
double dog secret shit.
- Yeah, I know. But...
- No you don't.
- She won't tell anybody.
- Yes she will.
Don't you want to know what she said?
What did she say?
So you do want to know?
- Are we arguing about arguing?
- Eh.
What?
She has a friend that
works in movie posters.
And?
He worked for your studio.
And?
He didn't get paid.
And?
He. Didn't. Get. Paid.
Well, I'm getting paid.
Well, he did a lot of work for this company
and they didn't pay him.
So I just thought you'd want to know.
That some dumb ass didn't get paid?
Maybe they hired you
because they'd have to pay the other guys.
Okay, I'm not sloppy seconds.
They're a big company.
You're a little one.
Why would they do that?
I don't know.
Maybe they're over budget.
Maybe they're cheapskates.
I don't know.
- Can I tell you something?
- Hmm?
- It's very important.
- Okay.
Very important.
Yes...?
You are harshing my mellow.
I'm just trying to help.
Another thing you need to know about guys:
We don't like to be told how to hunt, okay?
If we can take down a Buffalo
with a razor sharp paperclip,
I don't need to be told I need a .44
to take down a squirrel, 'kay?
Ah, men. You guys, you have like
five emotional responses.
Hungry, tired, horny, sure
And breathtaking confidence.
No! Mantrums.
- Ooh, I like that!
- Yeah...
'Cept you got to say,
"Oh, snap!" at the end.
- No, I don't!
- Yeah.
You should wear one of those '90s sweaters
and make a big Z in the air.
- [laugh]
- You gotta own it.
Ah! Jesus!
Jeez.
This place is harshing my mellow.
You're the one who wanted to come here.
[sigh]
[distant traffic]
How can you trust people like that?
She won't tell anyone.
Like...
You don't know that.
I don't.
I could never do that.
It's like turning around to make it easier
for somebody to put the knife in.
Like this guy at the studio...
I don't get why he's
telling me all this shit.
I would never tell you everything.
He's a work moaner.
A what?
The real blabbermouths
are always the low totem people.
It makes him feel important.
Yeah, you're right.
I mean...
Damn.
I have a big mouth.
I'm sorry.
I won't tell anybody else.
Ever.
It's all right.
It always is.
Even when it isn't.
[distant traffic]
Ugh.
PAGE: Attention all
lab employees:
Do not go into hallway C.
Medical waste spill.
You know what I mean.
[]
[distant crying]
[crying]
PAGE: Doctor Whitman. You are
needed in chemistry, stat.
[sigh]
[crying]
I was just walking by
and thought I'd say hi.
I'm fine.
No, you're not.
We just had some bad news
from the doctor, that's all.
About Dana?
We just heard back...
The tumor has not got any better.
There's too much damage.
They said two or
maybe three weeks is all.
I'm so sorry, Megan.
It's all so fast.
I can't take time off work.
I can't afford it.
All that chemo and
still my little girl is dying.
Don't worry, I'm going
to help you Megan, okay?
With the fucker who stole
from the soda machine?
Mm-hmm.
STANFIELD: Hey Captain Cheesedick,
are you a fuckin' idiot?
What?
You didn't hear me?
No, what's going on?
The usernames you're
using are triple-X porn!
'Puppyfuckmeat'?
'BraisedDiaperShit'?
Are-are you out of your fuckin' mind?
I mean, we've been using
these names forever now.
They're an embarrassment
to the studio, idiot!
Listen you want to stop
the bleeding, this is how.
I'm in the swim lane for this!
If Natalie upstairs saw this,
if this astroturfing blew back,
I'd lose half of my ass in the explosion
and the other half when she
takes a bite out of what's left!
Okay, you got to understand
is 18 to 25 year olds...
Zero to a hundred is the
audience for this picture!
Don't share energy
drinks with handles like,
you know, 'friends of your parents'.
You might as well be in a park
playing chess in an adult diaper.
Actually, that's a good username.
I might use that.
How about this for a username?
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?
[sigh]
DAVE: So, why are you helping her?
I thought you hated her.
She has this family issue.
I'm not allowed to talk about it.
I feel bad for her. She's a cunt
but who wants to die alone?
I don't want to be that person.
Yeah, neither do I.
So, I think I'm going to help her.
But it's... uh... it's...
It's a gray area.
I can't talk about it.
Okay, are you always this nice to people?
Yes. I wish I could stop.
- Yeah, no, you should.
- [chuckle]
[]
So yeah, 'FigPucker' and 'AlienAssFarm'
are off limits now.
But somehow,
'ShillsterMcStudioPlant' is okay.
You catch more flies with honey.
Well really, you catch
more flies with horseshit.
Honey just attracts bears.
What about... 'inabritishaccent'?
Fucking awesomamazing.
I mean, it's carefree but full of beans.
Pretentious but loosey goosey...
I like your nicknames.
Like Jose and Jos-B for those two guys
you dated to keep 'em
straight in your phone.
Man, that's good.
I'm using that.
[]
[]
[music stops]
Just... say it.
I gotta go pound keys, so...
I just want you to say what's on your mind.
Can I just have one question then?
Yeah.
What kind of douche are you?
- What?
- Yeah.
It's like every guy I meet
is a chocolate Easter bunny.
I mean, at first I'm like,
'Oh hey, look at that.
That's a lot of chocolate.'
And then, whoops, sorry.
They break in my hands
because they're hollow inside.
So I'd like to know now
what kind of douche you are
and save myself a year of running around
with milk chocolate all over my hands!
Sometimes, I think that there's
a tiny black rain cloud
just over me.
- Are you vague booking me?
- Yeah, no!
Okay, because I see you online still.
That little green dot.
Are you seeing someone else?
How do I know you're
not hiding something?
- Ha. Me?
- Yeah.
Usually people who accuse you of stuff
are hiding stuff themselves.
Well, I'm not hiding anything.
Well, the day that I met you, first day,
you had that look on your face
that's all, "We need to talk."
And then at the coffee
shop, when I asked you
if there was anything else
you wanted to talk about,
you nodded "yes"
but said "no."
Hmm...
You know what?
I'm gonna record this.
- Oh, come on.
- [chuckle]
So yeah, Candace...
Tell me what you've been hiding.
Come on...
Clock the T...
Come on.
Jesus, Candace... I'm on Acyclovir.
On what?
I have HSV-2.
What?
I meant to tell you
earlier and then we just...
Did you give me fucking cooties?
No, I didn't.
We used condoms, so...
- You fucking lied to me.
- I tried to tell you and...
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, sorry!
Stitch that shit on a fucking pillow.
- I didn't, I just
- Did you give me fucking herpes?
- Oh, sorry!
- It's a suppressant, you can't...
You're lying to me!
You can't get it unless
I'm showing, it's not
nothing's going to happen to you!
Are you sleeping with someone else?
- No!
- You asked me that!
I mean, people don't
just say shit to say shit!
- I just... I...
- What the fuck did you do to me?
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Oh my fucking God.
- What the fuck?!?
- I'm sorry!
Get the fuck out of here!
Thanks for stopping by, Typhoid Candace!
I'm gonna get gonorrhea
and I don't know what else...
I'm gonna get typhoid
and syphilis and-Oh, God!
Woah!
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoo-hoo!
Ugh, it's like sleeping on a bio hazard.
[]
[crying]
I'm sorry for, like, being an asshole.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
[]
[text alert]
I feel like all I ever do is wait.
I meet a guy and I slink
around for months wondering
should I tell you now?
Next week?
So, I wait.
I wait and wait and wait
and wait and wait and wait
and wait and wait and wait
and wait and wait and
wait and wait and wait
until the moment is gone.
Didn't you ever know what to say?
Yes, of course.
Like when?
Like, when I was on ecstasy.
[chuckles]
[mouse clicks & typing]
[mouse clicks]
To dopamine.
Milk my serotonin.
Ugh...
Ugh.
CANDACE: I'm sorry, that I did not
tell you that...
- You know...
- Mm-hmm.
I am so sorry, Dave.
Mmm.
[chuckle]
Good.
You know, we all have secrets.
- It's not a secret.
- Oh!
- It's a cheat code.
- Okay.
But I do have a little confession.
Hmm?
I lied on my profile.
I don't really like food, or traveling
- No...
- or any of that kind of stuff.
This changes everything.
Yeah. They should call
long walks on the beach
'how to find broken glass.'
[chuckle]
I just-I have limits that
most girls don't like.
So I looked at a lot of girls profiles and
made a list of things
they were looking for.
Candles and massages... Steamy mirrors...
Things like that.
And I put 'em up.
[chuckle] So, who are you really?
I mean, if you would have
to write your actual profile,
how would you describe yourself?
Uh...
I'm
[laugh]
I don't know.
Yeah, me too.
[]
All those online phony
romancers in the catalog...
That's what I call them,
'The Man Catalog.'
You know, I like click through the pages
and try to find the right fit.
Like, the right return policy.
- The right what?
- Yeah, you know,
like if I stopped
returning your phone calls,
you'll get the hint and
you'll leave me alone.
You don't send me a muffin basket
or text me a picture of your wing wang.
[chuckle]
Wait a second.
- What?
- Wait.
I got it.
- Look what I have for you.
- [giggle]
[]
[heavy breathing]
I can't come!
I can't either.
I can't come.
I can't ever come.
Same for me.
That's okay.
- I can't come.
- That's okay.
DAVE: My heart stops
all the time.
I mean, it's supposed
to beat until you die but
mine doesn't.
It starts and stops, uh...
like... like a car alarm.
Hmm.
It gets so loud sometimes...
I can't even think.
And when it stops, there's this, like
you know...
Like a... like a sound
that's not a sound.
Like a
a ringing in my ear.
Uh huh.
And then when it comes back on
it's just...
[sigh]
My life was always loud.
- I wish it wasn't, really.
- Ssh.
[chuckle]
I do the alphabet.
[chuckle] No!
Where do men hear that?
I thought girls liked that.
You could ask.
Just ask.
Come on. I don't ask for directions
at a gas station.
Not directions.
Technical support.
You need a whiteboard with arrows
pointing to everything.
[laughter]
[breathing]
You have to be soft, okay?
I'm-I'm not a touch phone.
You're not buying an app.
[breathing]
Softer...
Just-just slow...
DAVE: That woman meant
nothing to me.
I know that sounds
like complete shit but...
She messaged me the day that I met you.
And I chose you.
You.
- Okay?
- Okay.
[soft moans]
There was this guy at my old job.
Curt.
We dated for a little bit.
We didn't trade keys or anything.
[IN GERMAN]
Wish I knew what you just said.
And then I left.
And I walked out that
door on the last day and...
I guess it was snowing, but
all I remember
is that... muddy snow
all over my feet.
I was just walking down the street
like a dirty snowflake.
And then I came here.
No. Use a rubber.
Trust me.
Don't you trust me?
I trust you.
[breathing]
Do you feel me?
You feel good.
We're not snowflakes.
We're puzzle pieces.
And we fit.
I promise...
I'm never going to wear
a rubber with you again.
[groans]
I can't come...
I can't come...
I can't come...
- You're still a man...
[groans]
What the hell?
[groan]
[groan]
[]
[mouse click]
[sigh]
[traffic]
I need you to sign this.
But don't look at it.
Is this going to make me upset?
Just do this for me
and then it'll be my
headache and not yours.
I already saw it when you put it down.
I saw Megan's name on it.
Is this about the missing quarter?
It's about Dana. We're trying
to bend some rules
so Megan can take the
last two weeks off paid.
[sigh]
Bending or breaking?
Eh...
Her brother owns the place
and he's too cheap to pay for her time off.
They're both emotionally constipated.
Okay, so now I need your help.
Can you have a seat?
This is gonna make me upset, isn't it?
It's about the missing quarter.
[]
[sigh]
Well...
[]
[kibble pours]
[typing]
[knock on door]
What are we doing?
We're going somewhere.
We're doing something.
Come on.
[sigh]
I'm gonna get in trouble
with my job for you.
I know.
So, if you ask me if I...
'L' you...
- Mmm.
This is proof, okay?
Okay.
[]
[traffic]
I felt underwater all day.
These 'Tuesday Blues' are annoying.
Yeah, that guy who was trolling us
kicked my ass all day.
But I did get one good slap in:
"I am rataturkukated
by your ignorance."
What?
Autocorrect really helped
me out with that one.
So... Let me ask you shumeshing-something!
- Uh huh?
- Jesus.
I have a problem.
It's not you.
Do you remember the
missing twenty-five cents?
- Still?
- Mm-hmm.
No, you helped her out with whatever it is.
She won't let it go.
My boss talked to me.
I have to fire somebody
just to make her happy.
Anybody I want. He doesn't
even care who it is.
Wow.
'Kay... um...
Who you gonna let go?
Nobody! See this is where
I need your help.
This is what you do all day, right?
Change the subject?
Right. Change the subject.
And keep changing the subject
until they're so far in the woods
they can't find their way out.
See, I don't think this is a,
"Oh, hey look! It's a bird!"
Kind of answer.
No, there is a hundred
ways to change the subject.
Megan, um, are you
implying that I took the quarter?
That doesn't sound like me.
I don't even carry cash, who does anymore?
Can you step back? I have
a little bit of conjunctivitis.
Maybe it was lost in the machine.
I lose socks in the dryer all the time.
You're still around? Everybody's
been saying you've been let go.
I ate some bad sushi for lunch
and I am going to make a floor pizza!
You think maybe it could be Ted?
Why would it be Ted?
Megan, your hair looks wonderful today.
Or... you go all thermonuclear
and use the 'C word'.
When she opens her big pie hole
to blame you for something you didn't do,
just look her right in the eyes and say:
"It's because I have cancer."
Don't say that!
Don't do that!
Her little one has cancer!
Well, you didn't tell me that!
I mean, all you told me
about was the missing two bits!
Well, everything is
about everything, Dave.
It's always about everything.
Don't be mad at me!
- I'm not mad!
- Right.
I've seen this face before.
On the I-5, before rush hour,
when you thought we'd make it on time.
Well, I'm not gonna fire anybody.
It's not fair. I'm not gonna do it.
- You need to pull a Slater.
- A what?
That flight attendant
who quit on the runway?
Grab a few beers, hit the emergency hatch.
Yeah, you need to go
down the evacuation slide
and just quit.
Okay, this face isn't saying,
"I don't know what that means."
It's saying,
"You are not listening."
[sigh]
Listening is hard.
I don't know how you do it.
It's not rocket science.
[]
DAN: You can't do this.
It's not right.
You know it's not right.
I don't want it. No.
[]
Oh, I'm so sorry, darling!
Now that Dan's gone
we don't need to keep an eye
on our purses anymore, right?
[thunder rumbles]
STANFIELD: So, we got some
tracking numbers back
and I have to say, two weeks out.
And the needle is finally moving our way
Tracking? What's that?
It's exit polling.
Numbers go up, that's desire to see.
Number go down, that's not good.
"Meat in seats."
Yeah, maybe. Who knows
if any of this shit works.
I don't believe it.
Then why do you pay for it?
Hold on a minute.
[chewing and typing noises]
[sigh]
[chewing and typing noises]
Hey, where you at?
- Where?
- Where are you?
I want to see your top secret setup.
Stop by and say hi.
See you in action.
Uh, no. We're working
real hard here, uh...
NO, NO!
THAT IS NOT IT! I TOLD HIM!
I TOLD HIM TO SWAP
THAT WIDE SHONOT SWIPE IT FOR
THE OTHER WIDE SHOT!
FUCKING IDIOT!
Goddamn it...
Hey listen, I got to run, bud.
Give Angie your deets.
I TOLD HIM! I... [phone disconnects]
Christ.
I thought they already know where you live.
Just let them come over if they want.
Yeah, no. This-this job
is a lot of money.
They think they hired a company.
Not a guy in an apartment.
I mean, everything's being sent
to my P.O. Box.
And they don't know where I'm at.
Then just rent a place. I mean,
there are signs everywhere.
It's gonna be cheap.
I... I don't have cheap
in my wallet right now.
I'm stuck between a rock and an invoice.
I thought you said astroturfing paid.
Seems to me it's easier
to just tell the truth.
Why does everybody say that?
I mean, when has telling
the truth ever worked?
For anybody?
Ever?
Name once.
Once.
I mean, when have you told the truth
and it actually worked out?
Never.
It's-it's...
That's why we call them 'white lies'
and not 'break your heart lies'.
I don't want to break
your heart but, you know,
I just want what I want.
And, I don't want this studio exec
to humiliate me any
more than he already has.
Especially not in my own apartment.
Please, don't embarrass me.
Okay.
Okay.
[]
CANDACE: Hey Iris, this is Dave.
- IRIS: There he is.
- DAVE: Hi.
AVALINE: So, you're the
airhead genius.
Uh... Yeah, here I am.
- Uh...
- [text alert]
Sorry, uh...
Work's been crazy recently.
Nice to... yeah.
Yeah, that's what that's been like
for the past four weeks now.
Oh, fuck!
Fuckity fuckity fuck!
You're gonna get us all fired!
Fucking Christ!
Fucking kidding me?
How could you fucking do this?
Dear mother fucker, you
can't use usernames like that.
My God, you are a friggin' troglodyte.
Please go fucking kill yourself
so it can save me the fucking
hassle of going to prison.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Goddamn it! Fuck!
I am going to stab you in
the ear with a butter knife
until you can't blink anymore.
[]
This is what mortified looks like.
This is double fucked with
two guys high-fiving above me.
Can't you put the phone down even once?
Without even the
courtesy of a reach around.
But you're not building on my point.
You're not making the mountain higher,
you're making it lower.
Which is actually a hole.
I don't even know you are.
I've never even met your friends.
I don't know who you are.
Let me ask you something.
- Are you a pig?
- What?
Is that why you haven't
invited me to your place?
Because there's potato chip bags
and old mail everywhere?
No, of course not.
I'm going to need to
see your apartment soon
otherwise I'm going to think you're
like a squatter or something.
Strawberries!
Strawberries?
Strawberries.
Strawberries.
Are you negging me from that book?
No, no, no, no, no!
When I was little-little,
my friend and I, we used to
sell strawberries at the fair.
Except they wouldn't let us
unless we paid the dumb fee.
Which we didn't have any
money, so we went anyways.
And there was always an empty stand
that we could just take over.
Nobody ever noticed.
Dave, don't you know anybody
with a nicer place than yours?
Fuck me! You're a rock star.
Of course! Um, let me check.
And my other point?
Oh, yeah. Um...
I'm sorry. I should have
told you earlier.
I have cancer.
Can you actually say,
'I messed up.'
Yeah, no. I apologized last time
for something I didn't do.
That means I don't have to apologize now
for something I did do.
That's called
'Paying It Backwards.'
MOM: I followed the instructions
for the butterfly screen saver.
- When I finally found it
- Uh huh.
It was in a folder called 'other.'
Yes.
[IN GERMAN]
Really. Now I'm trying
to stretch the sky
[IN GERMAN]
Mom, my boss just walked in.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I gotta go.
- Well, you better be all ears.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- [IN GERMAN]
And, um, and about this weekend,
we're not going to make it.
- Oh...
- Dave is very busy and so am I.
I was so much looking
forward to meeting him.
Yeah. Yeah, you'll meet him.
You'll meet him after...
Yeah, I gotta go.
- Okay, okay.
- Uh, I really gotta go.
- Um...
- I'll call you right back.
- [IN GERMAN]
- I promise. Call you right...
- Just one minute
- Why don't I call you?
- Bye.
- Make sure you...
So, you took my advice and
found yourself a stupid man.
[]
I'm sorry, I...
I just have.. You know...
I just haven't been here, really.
With us.
It's my fault.
I just...
You know, this-this job was
gonna be a big break and...
I guess it is, really, but...
I mean, it's kind of crazy we met.
Maybe you're my big break.
I just had trouble
seeing people in the past and...
It's kind of like, you
know when you're listening
to music on your phone?
Do you ever listen to the end of the songs?
I... I don't, really.
I just jump to the next
song while it's still good.
I just want to still be dancing.
Well...
It's time skip to the one
where you go home all alone.
It's country song.
And I have work tomorrow, too.
[sigh]
[]
[]
ROB [IN SPANISH]: Que onda, cabron?
You are actually early.
- I didn't think it was you.
- Ha ha.
Where can I set up?
Uh, right here in my office.
- Here's the key.
- Thanks.
I gotta go to work.
Don't drink my mango smoothies.
[SPANISH] Dude, mi casa tu casa.
It's the other way around, dipstick.
[SPANISH] Tu casa es mi casa?
- [sigh]
- Yeah, absolutely.
No mango smoothies, that's the thing.
All Right.
- Make us look good.
- Yeah.
Countin' on you.
[start chime]
[]
[text alert]
[coins drop]
Josie...
[]
[horn honks]
My God, move!
I'm gonna lose my shit!
Move it! Go!
To the right!
Fucking Christ!
[]
[machine stops]
[quarter drops]
[close door]
[ringtone]
This is my time to shine...
Yeah?
It's Angie, from Bill's office.
He's on his way.
Great.
Um... thanks.
Now you know.
[phone disconnects]
Hello?
[clock ticks]
[bottle clatters]
So he didn't call you back
that he wasn't coming?
No, he just called he
was and then he didn't.
Maybe he's lost. I mean,
you should call him back.
Yeah, no. I'm not doing that.
Oh, this is gonna be good.
He was never coming.
Maybe he went to the batting cages
and threw balls at kids' heads.
Or maybe he went over to
"Yes, Mistress Stiletto!"
And got spanked.
You should ask him that.
Have him tell me what he's doing.
- Yeah!
- I have no problem with me being right.
Neither do you, really.
That's a good one, you know.
I'm gonna to use that.
- Go home to your girlfriend.
- She's not...
We're not holding hands.
Really?
What? You blow that
other girl off?
[sigh]
Guess when it's cold, the
wool from the other sheep
will keep you warm.
Just keep wrappin' it in rubber, stud.
Pfft!
Oh my God, are you kidding me?
I pull out.
TMI, Dude!
I know, it's complicated.
W-What does TMI mean?
It's not GMMI:
Give Me More Information!
Open up!
[bottles clatter]
Hm-hmm.
Thanks, Rob.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Buenos nachos!
Thanks a lot.
[]
[light switch]
[]
So, tell me...
Are we a thing?
Where'd that come from?
Aren't we?
Well yeah, but like...
what are you thinking?
Like, in general or right now?
Like now.
I was just thinking if we broke up.
Fuck me.
Well, not really!
Just, you know, 'what if' scenarios.
What would I do?
What would I say?
I always think about the ending
before the beginning.
I wish I wasn't doing that.
I mean, sometimes talking to you
is like talking to an
astronaut in outer space.
That's because you need to listen.
It's not what I'm saying,
it's what I'm not saying.
No, seriously...
Are you seeing someone?
No, are you?
Yeah, I think we should be a thing.
We're a thing now.
You want to be an item?
Well, not like just
we're seeing each other.
More like... you know...
Friday nights are reserved, type of thing.
Okay, but it bothers you
when I'm in outer space.
Well cause, nobody's
on the rocket with you.
[laugh]
Just because someone
doesn't say they like you
doesn't mean they don't
like
do, really.
[]
Then I won't tell you.
Josie...
[chuckle]
[]
[coffee grinder]
[gas burner on]
[brushing teeth]
[kibble clatters]
[birds chirping]
[car door chirp]
[traffic]
Have you seen that?
Seen what?
This is not the same quarter.
Megan, the repair guy found it.
It was an accident.
You will not hire Dan back.
Well, Nick said I have to clear everything
with your brother
from now on. So...
Have you seen the
pile of boxes in the hall?
How can you not see that?
You should talk to Iris.
Well, Pedro usually takes them away...
She needs to break those boxes down.
She can't just stack them
in the hall anywhere she wants.
That's not really my job but I can
talk to her if you need me to.
Now? Or is that more of a,
'Yeah and?'
Yes. Now.
[]
[centrifuge starts]
Hey, Iris. What was
that trick you said
to get more juice out of lemons?
Oh, you just put it in the microwave
for about seven seconds.
Oh, that's right. That's right.
Thanks.
[typing]
[door knock]
She's a little touchy right now,
so I'd just avoid her for a little.
You need to be on top of this.
You can't be letting people
procrastinate like that.
Well, if there's anything
else I can help you with.
[typing]
[distant traffic]
So, she thinks you talked to both of them?
I didn't lie.
Like, what if they talk to each other?
What if they don't?
Yeah, okay. I wouldn't have
done that.
- Eh.
- Thank you.
Girls don't lift their leg.
Anyways, we're in quiet water now.
- Right?
- Mm-Hmm.
I'm done. You're done.
- See?
- Mm-Hmm.
So what's next?
Mushrooms?
Mmm... all right.
General, we have incoming forces.
Bright Shadow, take 'em out.
Quietly!
[]
[CyberBots speak]
[attack ship flies overhead]
[fight efforts]
[attack ship flyby]
[explosion]
[WarFlare screams]
[laser fire]
[fight efforts]
[WarFlare screams]
[head explodes]
- Oh!
[sparks]
That was about as covert
as a pocketful of assholes
after a three bean dinner.
KATERI: What the hell was that?
This movie sucks ass.
No, they didn't add any new scenes.
I'm getting frostbite talking to you.
That's cause the world's a cold place.
And I got ice in my veins.
Rob is gonna blow his mind.
WARFLARE: You're getting
nanotonic protoplasm on me.
- [laugh]
- Oh, come on!
There's nobody here!
- WARFLARE: Fuck that.
- [laugh]
You got busted.
KATERI: Well, that's fine. Because..
You smell... like a taco bowl!
ANGIE: It's Bill's office. Wait.
STANFIELD: [chewing sounds]
Hey, there he is.
- How's it going?
- Hey buddy.
I just wanted to give you a ring
and thank you for all the hard work.
Yeah, no problem.
Really glad to help.
- Is that celery?
- I think it's carrots.
Yeah, it says it's on track
to make, like, uh, $80 million.
$80 million? That sounds like
a good haul to me.
Considering we were, uh,
shittin' a pinecone uphill
the whole way, it's a win.
Well, we did what we do.
Hey, I see on the news you got the guy.
What guy?
The who posted the movie online.
They arrested him in Australia?
No, Michigan, I think.
It doesn't matter.
The FBI grabbed him but he's not the guy.
What?!?
No, I was the head of the studios
daughter who let it out.
How the fuck did that happen?
Her and her friend wanted to see it early
so he had the cutting room make her a copy.
Can he do that?
The man signing the
check wants to see your film,
you show it to him.
But the little shit posted it to her friend
who gave it to the guy.
Holy shit!
Yeah, who's gonna
tell the head of the studio
his daughter fucked up?
D-don't tell anybody I
told you that, all right?
- I could get big trouble.
- Yeah.
Yeah, like you've got someone to tell.
- Ha, ha.
- I'm just kidding.
Hey, I gotta take this call.
Good work, guy.
Yeah, you too. Uh, we're here
for you.
[phone disconnects]
DAVE: Hey, you want to hear
a mind hole?
Head of the studio, his
daughter leaked the movie.
She gave it to a friend.
So the guy that was arrested?
He's fucked to hell and everyone else
just turns the other fuckin' way...
The fuck?
Oh! Shit!
God!
Jesus!
How'd you find out?
Oh!
Ugh!
I found that in the trash.
Candace, I didn't know
fucking know how-I
didn't-It was a stupid mistake!
I didn't mean to-I-I'm sorry!
Candace, come on!
DAVE: Candace!
[door closes]
[crying]
[text alert]
[sigh]
[phone sounds]
[phone sounds]
[traffic]
[ringtone]
This is my time to shine
and I will blind the sun
Hey, Bill.
STANFIELD: Hey, I'm looking at
some of these invoices here.
I'm not paying this.
Yeah, no. Those are the numbers
we talked about.
I-I'm over budget.
That money's already gone.
I-I thought you said it did
gangbusters when it opened?
No, it tanked!
So there's no money.
But it... it made
$80 million dollars.
We bought those tickets.
We do it all the time.
You bought $80 million
dollars worth of tickets?
Sure.
How many times have
you heard of a hit movie
but you don't know anyone who's seen it?
Come on. This movie was never
gonna open well.
It's a piece of shit.
You saw it, right?
No... Am I getting paid?
I can give you twenty
cents on the dollar.
I... I don't understand.
You wouldn't.
We're a big company.
We don't make money on money.
It's all about stock.
Look, you did super work, all right?
The stock price, it didn't wiggle much
so the movie was a push.
Next time it's four of a
kind and we do better.
Ah, I kinda opened the
kimono there, didn't I?
D-don't repeat that.
I know you won't.
You know, I might have another job for you.
They haven't pulled the trigger yet.
I... okay... uh... Well,
we're here for you.
Dude, you should get some agency work.
You got any contacts there?
A couple thrown cell
phones... Some sofa jumping...
Jew-this, Jew-that comments...
Dude, you could be making
bank turfing for actors!
Sounds good.
I'll let you know.
Good work, guy.
[phone disconnects]
It was.
[]
[head hits]
[mouse clicks]
LYRIC: Some days I wish
I could fly away from here
Into the amber setting sun
Some days I wish
I could just disappear
Start a new life
as no one...
Good job.
[]
Lord bring me back to somewhere
I can call home
Somewhere that feels
like nowhere
Been stuck in this city
dreaming of running away
Get lost in a
cold winter rain...
Anyways, so South Palo.
Back to the story.
They ended up, just every other day,
you could drive there...
And so people just bought two cars.
You know? So they just
doubled the problem
of what it was supposed to be.
And that's why I just
don't think government
should be in everyone's lives...
I miss the silence
of gold setting suns
And all the mystery
of being on the run
I miss the days
when life was only fun
But most of all
I miss being no one
Yeah, most of all
I miss being no one
Yeah, most of all
I miss being no one...
[moaning]
[]
I long to lie down
in the fields that never end
Swim the lake where
I can't see the other side
The morning's silence broken
by a black bird with red wings
And the chatter of
the leaves up in the sky
I miss the silence
of gold setting suns
And all the mystery
of being on the run
I miss the days
when life was only fun
But most of all
I miss being no one...
[]
[keyboard strikes]
[Typing]
[phone chimes]
[sigh]
[sigh]
[tablet taps]
I miss the silence
of gold setting suns
And all the mystery
of being on the run
I miss the days
when life was only fun
But most of all
I miss being someone
Yeah, most of all
I miss being someone
Yeah, most of all
I miss being someone...
[]
[exhale]
[groan]
[sigh]
[]
[rocket engine]
[airlock opens]
What the hell was that?
Fuck it.
Do you know what 'secret mission' means?
Fuck yeah.
Is that all you know how to say?
"Fuck this, fuck that."
Fuck no.
I'm getting frostbite talking to you.
That's cause the world's a cold place.
And I got ice in my veins.
- Ah!
- Mmm.
You're getting nanotonic protoplasm on me.
Fuck that.
[Gasps]
Well, that's fine. Because... you smell
like a taco bowl!
What are you lookin' at?
[towel snap]
[page announcements]
[sigh]
[]
[typing]
[mouse clicks]
[mouse clicks]
[typing]
[]
[bell dings]
[typing]
[urinating]
[]
[bag rip]
[chewing]
[]
[mouse clicks]
[typing]
[mouse clicks]
STANFIELD: What's going on?
You just wake up?
It's ten o'clock already.
Yeah, no, I was going to bed.
Ninjas don't work during the day.
You know who this is?
Uh, no, who is it?
You never got a call?
Call from who?
Right. I'm Bill Stanfield.
I'm an EVP in the theatrical
advertising wing over at...
Oh no, yeah.
Sarah did call about that... maybe... um...
You're the movie guy, right?
I'm the guy.
You seen 'Triple Helix?'
The comic book movie?
- Yeah.
- You know that movie?
- Yeah.
- You like it?
- Yeah, yeah
- I really don't care.
We're making a sequel this summer.
[dogs barking] We got a
problem. The movie got out.
We don't know how but there's a torrent.
People are downloading it now.
Oh man, how'd that happen?
Don't know that yet.
The FBI's involved.
- The FBI?
- Well, it's a big deal.
Sarah said you were the guy
who could help us
redirect any negative buzz.
I am the guy.
Well, we have a real shit
storm brewing over here.
Every geek in the world is gonna want to
watch this rough cut and
start throwing tomatoes.
So, we need somebody to
u-turn the anticipointment.
Well, that's what we do.
Anybody posts a negative about our clients
we hit them back faster
than a two-pump chump.
Perfect!
She said you did some work for...
I can't tell you that, man.
I need you to tell me something.
She just gave me this number.
I... I don't even know
where you're at.
Well, it's a security issue, really.
I mean, this facility has a lot of, uh
sensitive data on hard drives, so...
I mean, you wouldn't want
me to tell the next caller
about what we're doing for you, right?
Tell 'em who you are?
That is an emphatic fuck no.
'Kay. So this is how
this works.
[sigh]
We had some people on it.
What people?
Coffee getting people.
[chuckles] Epic fail, right?
Yeah. Epic fail, right.
I don't know what they were thinking.
How do you do it?
My secret is that we
make every post count.
We make every post count
because we do not get coffee.
I mean, all you have
to do is pull the trigger
and walk away in slow motion.
All right. What's my buy in?
How do I know if this works?
Hello?
- Hello?
- You hear that?
That's silence.
That's when you know you've won.
ROB: He's gonna pay us $35 grand
for just six weeks of work?
Ho, ho, ho! I'm shittin'
sunshine here!
DAVE: Yeah, well, you better be
shitting 500 posts a day.
STEVE: No problem. DAVE: I mean,
we gotta gas every one of these threads
so people still buy a ticket next month.
STEVE: Damn dude,
you landed a whale!
TREVOR: Looks like it was posted
four days ago.
Check this, it's seeding everywhere.
STEVE: Wait... this hasn't hit
the news yet?
DAVE: He said it's going to
hit the news tonight
or tomorrow, so, uh
that's when the real fun starts, boys.
TREVOR: Wow, these fan forums
are blowing up.
Everybody who's seen it says it's a turd.
Oh man, this is one of their coffee guys
dowhatsright: Downloading this movie
is why you have runaway production.
STEVE: Wow!
ROB: That is some bush league planting!
No wonder they're getting
pulled out and scalped.
It's like watching a clown
give a kid a concrete balloon.
ROB: And the kid's staring
at a wall.
STEVE: Dave, check your shirt,
dude.
ROB: Let's talk schedules.
TREVOR: I can handle all my
heavy lifting at night.
STEVE: Me too, I have nights.
TREVOR: You mean days?
STEVE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nights.
ROB: And Dave, you're working
all day long.
DAVE: Fuck me... ROB: No, fuck you.
[sigh]
Hi.
Hi.
Uh...
- I'm gonna get a cup.
- Uh huh.
[sigh]
DAVE: Can I get a coffee,
but with half honey,
half aspartame, and half that syrup stuff?
You guys draw on the foam?
Can you do it with caramel?
BARISTA: Yeah, there's a
StarCups up the block.
Oh yeah, no. Can I get
a chocolate milk instead?
Yeah, thank you.
[sigh]
Huh...
[sigh]
Sorry. Work.
- Busy guy?
- Uh yeah...
And my battery's almost
out, so, uh... Ah, I hate that.
Yeah, it's uh, it's...
Oh, is that the dog?
Yeah! That's my dog. [Chuckle]
[inhales]
You're not one of those people who, like,
you let your dog lick your face, are you?
Why? You don't like that?
[shiver]
No.
It's just a little lick.
It's not the only place they lick.
[gasp]
'Mmm, yeah, yeah,
my battery is dying.'
You know what would
make your phone last longer?
Turning it the fuck off!
OH MY GOD, YOU ARE 70 YEARS OLD!
YOU'RE GONNA DIE IN TRAFFIC?
DIE ON THE PEDAL ALREADY!
JUST GO!
GO!
PAGE: Curtis! More Band-Aids
to the drop off station.
[phone rings]
Ow!
AVALINE: So, how'd it go?
Why do old people drive so slow?
Aren't they going to die soon?
If I was older I'd like to get there faster
because I don't have a lot of time left!
No. I meant the guy.
- [sigh]
- You didn't pick up the call.
I'm making the 'gag me' motion.
Right now.
[chuckle] I'm sorry.
[slam desk]
You need to process Joaquin.
Let him go today.
What happened?
His supervisor told him to do something
and he asked questions.
[IN SPANISH] Hola, presucia.
Good morning.
Then we're done here?
Hm-hmm.
[sigh]
AVALINE: So what happened
with that guy?
CANDACE: Ugh. I don't want
to talk about it.
He needed the job.
I couldn't help him.
And then he told me to fuck off.
No, the guy.
- The guy...?
- Yeah. Today.
- Oh, 'the guy.'
- Yeah!
No. I passed on that application.
I don't hire people that show up
to an interview without a shirt on.
I shouldn't have even met a guy named Dave.
It's a loser name.
- It is?
- Oh, yeah.
Anybody I've ever met named
Dave has been bad news.
Debbie's too.
- You know what? You're right.
- Mm-hmm.
Steve's suck.
Steve's do suck!
You know what? I dated this guy
named Steve once.
And he... sent me a picture of his junk.
- Oh...
- Yeah. Yeah.
Disgusting. I told him that.
And then he told me
I was hostile to him being
emotionally open.'
[laugh]
Well, since we're being honest here.
That's a nicer dick than
the ones they send me.
- Look at that one.
- Oh! Ooh!
- Agh! Ugh!
- [laugh]
- Come on!
- Looks like a leopard!
- I don't want to look at that!
- [laugh]
No! No!
Anyway, after that I called him
'Mr. X-Rated.'
And then there was
'Pompous And Cheapskate.'
You know, he would go on and on at dinner
until I had to pick up the check.
I dated this one guy that
every time we kissed, he cried.
Turns out he was
cheatin' on his girlfriend.
I call him 'The Piece Of Shit.'
See, I have a 'No List' for a reason.
So I don't end up wearing a muumuu
and putting curlers in my bangs, you know.
[chuckle]
I'm gonna wait for the next sale.
And a better coupon.
[]
[typing]
[]
[sigh]
[tapping]
- Are you waiting on Bill?
- Yeah.
He said this morning?
- Yeah.
- Well, he's not here.
He had another appointment.
Can I ask what it was about?
No. Just-just call him?
Wait here.
[sigh]
[traffic]
[]
[sigh]
Fuck me.
[chirping birds]
[text alert]
[groan]
[text alert]
Hmm...
[text alert]
[text alert]
[text alert]
[chuckle]
Hmm...
[]
[distant traffic]
CANDACE: On your profile it says
you did internet stuff.
I thought you meant websites.
Well, uh, no. I'm an astroturfer.
What is that? You go online
and call other people efftards?
- Efftards?
- You know what that means?
It's half 'effer', half retard.
No, no, no. I know
what it means. Uh...
Yeah, it's stealth P.R., really.
We just go online and give
the 'whoever paid us' side.
Honestly, that's not really a job.
If I interview somebody with a blank resume
I have to assume drug dealer
or drug dealer who
still lives with his mother.
I'd close your folder right now
and get on the intercom.
Code Gray is a combative person.
Well, the only thing that
shoots bullets is my tongue.
- [chuckle]
- Um...
It's a lot of vague booking and um
saying what the problem is
but not really saying
what the problem is, so...
Hi.
I ordered this cheeseburger
just meat and cheese
and there's, uh, really a
lot of stuff on here I don't...
WAITRESS: I'll take care of it.
- Thank you so much.
Uh... There's three things
I hate more than anything.
All three of which are ketchup.
What do you put on your fries?
Uh... I don't really like potatoes either.
[chuckle]
Huh.
What? You don't have
any enemies?
Mmm... I...
The printer at work.
Yeah. That's-that's
the same thing.
In a sense.
That's what I'm talking about.
I don't think we're a good fit.
See, I'm an outdoor girl.
I need my fresh air.
So I don't really ever date guys that don't
ever get out or don't ever tan.
Redheads, basically.
Or guys with freckles.
Or anyone 420 friendly.
Or guys that still wear
their hats sideways.
Or stupid 50's hats.
And guys that talk too much
and guys that talk too little.
And guys that still own typewriters.
And towel folders and beer drinkers
and bronies and artists
in their blue periods
and momma's boys, commitmentphobes,
Jesus Chrispies, and wasteoids.
So you sure know what you don't want.
Um...
Do you know what you do want?
I don't want to date a gamer ever again.
I'm not a gamer.
[chuckle]
You're pretty.
Meh... - I like you.
- Yeah.
Uh... You liked my profile,
right?
Mmm, yeah.
- Tell the truth.
- [laugh]
Well, if I did the arithmetic
you were funny on the phone the first time.
Well, I'm pretty funny on the phone.
Which is a plus. But then we met
and you weren't funny at all.
Well, I'm not really as good live.
Yeah, and now you're saying X and Y
and it's all sounding like algebra
which I don't know how to do.
- Just...
Yeah, no, just give me a shot.
This is sounding a lot like one of
those condo sales pitches
I have to sit through to get
a free weekend in Palm Springs.
I mean...
Shouldn't I listen to the
voice in my head that's saying,
I don't know, this isn't
magic.
No.
No. No, no, no, no, no.
This is where you listen
to the announcement
telling you to fasten your seat belt
and put your tray tables up.
[laugh]
You know, human beings do have
the same germs on their skin as dogs.
Yeah, once they lick you, sure.
[chuckle]
Touch.
I love this place.
I've been here like four times before
and it's always been pretty good
but... I can't believe...
Oh, they charged us for the bread?
I didn't know you could do that.
They just set it down.
Of course I'm going to eat it.
That's fine... [Dave's voice fades away]
You're cute.
Cute?
Yeah...
It's better than good looking, you know.
- It lasts longer.
- Yeah?
Anyway...
- We'll see what's shaking.
- OK.
You can ping me later.
- Great.
- I gotta go
- Thanks.
- Alright. Night.
[]
Girl, I am cuter than the other guys.
Probably.
[]
[ringtone]
This is my time to shine
and I will blind the sun
Cause I've been waiting
for this moment
since time begun and it...
- Hey, how's it goin'?
- STANFIELD: Dude!
We're reading your posts.
You're ferocious, man.
You like?
Every one of them hits
some emotional trigger.
You never take the road to reason.
Man, this type of thing is definitely
in your wheelhouse.
Hey man, we're ninjas.
We're skilled in the art
of stealth and deception.
Somebody tries to catch us, we just-whoo!
Disappear in a puff of smoke.
Wait, wait... Are you in the bathroom?
Uh... No! No!
Sounds like you're in the the can.
You're not cuttin' a loaf, are you?
- Uh...
- Ha! I'm just fuckin' with ya!
Where does that phrase come from?
Who cuts their loaf?
It's more like a pinch.
- So, uh, how's the movie going?
- Aw, they're in reshoots now.
I told you, it's not finished yet.
We're still filming.
Really? It opens in less
than a month.
It's not outside the norm.
Hey, the reason I called...
I... I need more posts from you.
We're looking for about a 1,000 a day.
Look man, we can't do that.
You kidding me?
They can in Bangladesh.
Yeah sure, if you want posts like:
"Oh, grief! Cousin died
mysterious death
left you twenty percent
of $12.5 million."
I don't want to boil the ocean here.
We're just talking another 10%.
- [computer chime]
Fuck me.
What?
Uh... I-It's just we can't do that.
That's another 100%.
We agreed on 500 posts.
They're all handcrafted.
We log in manually each time.
Dude, we like what
you guys are delivering.
Just keep up the innovative trolling
the 'trollovating, ' I guess...
I just need you to deep
dive your touch points
right in the virtual nuts.
It's not how this works.
I mean, carpet bombing
is exactly how it sounds.
It's yelling.
We got to keep this to a whisper.
Otherwise, you might as well
get your coffee guys back on it.
If you guys aren't full
service you can't help me.
Why don't you get all hands on deck,
circle back, and see what you can do.
I believe in you, buddy.
I gotta fiber. Call me, Okay?
[phone disconnects]
ROB: He wants to make
a 1,000 pops a day?
I can hardly make 20 an hour as it is.
TREVOR: How are we going to
do that? I can't do that.
Oh you're doing it, all right?
This is a party size bag of pain
and everybody's double dippin'.
This job, man...
This is the one, all right.
This is why we built this company.
Look at this girl.
- She's in I.T.
- Mm-hmm
- She can fix my computer.
- So go out with her, man.
Oh, unless she's like
the last girl that you dated.
And got back with.
And got back with.
And got back with.
TREVOR: Plus, we still have
our reviews
for the WashKings pending.
Look, this job is putting us
way behind on our other stuff.
I can't.
And for one inarguable reason.
Mm-hmm?
I cannot keep washing
my dishes or making my bed.
It's killing me!
TREVOR: You could try
being yourself.
Wait, no, that's not a good idea.
- Way to be helpful.
- I don't know what you want...
[sigh]
This girl... you get to
any bases?
Ah, I'm still up to bat.
Not even first base?
You haven't fucked her yet?
- You fuck on first base?
- Mmm.
What do you do by third base?
Bury her body in the desert?
So go out with both!
Yeah, no, that is not a real time strategy.
- I mean, this girl.
- Mm-hmm.
She is online all the time.
That little green dot next to her profile?
Like, all the time.
I bet she's already on another date.
So, in that sense... I should.
Absolutely.
Well, you got two girls and one job.
What do you want?
- I have to choose?
- Yeah, of the girls.
Keep the job.
Well, if I have to, with a few caveats,
I would choose not to have
to wash my dishes anymore.
And really
not scrubbing my toilet at all.
Why don't you choose not to do that
and choose to make a lot more pops.
Because you're falling way behind, buddy.
Thank you, Rob.
Thank you.
[ringtone]
Not while I'm driving!
Hello?
DAVE: Hey. What are you doing?
Trying to order a burrito online.
- I called you.
- Yes, you have.
Um, you want to do something later?
- Like what?
- I don't know...
Wanna play King For A Day?
I can't do that.
You have a Queen For A Day?
I could do that.
Yeah, not really.
Nice try though.
What else you got?
[chuckle]
[]
[CyberBot #1 speaks]
[CyberBot #2 speaks]
WarFlare!
We meet again!
Viktor.
Return the protonic
destabilizer and I promise
you will die quickly.
What?
- Return
- No, no... I just couldn't hear you
over all the 'fuck you's' in my head.
NO!
We have spatial displacement!
My God, it's Philadelphia all over again!
Hang on!
[WarFlare screams]
[explosion]
DAVE: I've never heard of anyone
in H.R. before.
I mean, I thought you'd have
more interesting stories
about firing people.
Like, you fire a guy and
he stays in the room until
you get a fire extinguisher
and you blast him out.
- [laugh]
- Get out of here!
- No.
That's the worst part.
Even idiots need a job.
I thought it was different when I started.
I spend a lot of time managing egos.
Sometimes I feel like a therapist
who needs a therapist,
which is crazy.
So yeah, I don't know if this
is really working. It's...
Feel like all the blood's
rushing to my head.
So it's... you know, weird.
I do this every night.
It's good for not getting varicose veins
when you're older.
You're more or less an exercisibitionist.
Like one of those women who
dress up in yoga pants all the time
so guys get in rear enders.
No! No. Only at the gym.
Well, you're a very...
up and at 'em woman.
Yes, I am.
I guess.
I don't know, I just do things.
Nobody does them with me. So...
I guess I look like I'm hardcore.
I think too much, so it's better
to do it out in sun
than by the refrigerator.
What about you?
Seems like you have a pretty strong
'get up and go' ethic yourself.
Yeah, my, um...
My Dad burned that into me pretty young.
He, uh...
He was mowing the lawn once and...
you know, sweating like a dog,
and he thought,
Man, I need a Roomba for this.
And then, uh, it hit him...
No, I have a teenage son.
So...
I've been at it ever since.
You're like a nation to yourself.
I'm a micro nation.
Where are you located?
Currently, uh, located in my bedroom.
But once I nail this job they'll
give me another one and, uh...
I can stop the fun employment
and get a real office.
But
till then I gotta keep
power crapping this stuff out.
You got a wicked tongue.
That's cause I am wicked.
[chuckle]
KATERI: I find your charms
insufferable!
Bye.
Night.
[breathing fast]
[breathing slowly]
AVALINE: So, you got a little wow
for this guy, huh?
It's like a yop.
More like a... flirtationship.
Girl, cuddling is not flirtin'.
We were, you know, spooning not forking.
- Oh, no...
- Isn't what he does illegal?
- Mmm.
- You know I'm gonna look it up.
You won't find it.
It's like terrorist cells.
It's all word of mouth.
You know at least he owns his own business.
Not like me.
Look, you know I'm
divorced so don't listen to me.
But you haven't said one nice thing
about this man yet.
I'm just sayin'.
It's just the more I think about it,
I shouldn't even be dating this guy.
That's why I'm not thinking about it.
Honey, you know what your problem is?
It's that you like to date
all these smart men.
See, what you need to do
is get yourself a stupid man.
They're so much easier to control.
Maybe.
And you need to stop
smoking those damn cigarettes.
[sigh]
[]
[text alert]
[]
- Hey.
- Hey.
So your place looks nice.
Yeah.
[chuckle]
Our third date.
No, really it's our first.
Well, no. Uh...
Officially, this is three
times we've been out.
No, you're picking me up in your car.
You asked me out and you're picking me up.
That's an official date.
Before was kind of a...
get together type of thing.
Uh, you're going to take Olive?
It's gonna actually be a lot quicker
if you go up through the back on Glenoaks.
But you would have to turn left.
Left.
- Uh...
- Now!
Like now you would have to...
That's okay, we can go this way.
[bowling strike]
[]
Whoo hoo!
CANDACE: Not bad.
Ah...
I use these two fingers.
- That's what I actually do.
- Hmm.
- Show us what you got!
- [effort]
Ooh hoo, not bad.
Alrighty!
Yeah!
- Ooh!
- Thanks. Oh, thanks.
Oh, why thank you.
[chuckle]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
- OH!
Ah [chuckle]
[chuckles]
Nice.
You know, I never thought
we'd end up going out.
No I did.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
I know what I want.
Watch this.
[bowling strike]
[orgasmic moan]
That was all up votes.
We laid in the lube.
- What?
- [laugh]
Oh, God...
[helicopter passes outside]
[]
Hello?
What are you doing?
Dave?
Dave?
Come back to bed, it's really late.
Hello?
Dave? I'm talking to you...
[her voice fades away]
[music stops]
What?
Candace?
Candace?
Candace?
[]
[text alert]
[text alert]
[text alert]
[text alert]
[sigh]
[text alert]
Stop!!!!
[ringtone]
Not while I'm driving!!
[sigh]
We need to talk.
Let's talk.
We have to let Dan go for theft.
Chemicals? Client data?
The soda machine.
Is it... gone?
There's money missing!
How much?
Twenty-five cents.
Maybe the machine ate it...
This is not a sock in the dryer.
This a discrepancy in funds.
That's cause for termination.
Did Dan say he was short?
No. He said he wasn't.
But it is.
Have you been listening
to anything I've just said?
Yes.
[sigh]
[sigh]
[]
[typing]
[typing]
[music stops]
TREVOR: These 1,000 hits a day
are killing us.
I'm barely sleeping.
We need more people.
Look, I know...
Just copy and paste
some of those attack posts
we made for the Avarkian woman
that was running for city council.
Just search and replace 'lunch trucks'
with 'Triple Helix' and I think
it'll read close enough.
Really? You don't think
he'll notice?
No, these guys are
like dinosaurs before CGI.
They have no idea how any of this works.
But that's how we got this job
and not a real turfing company.
Okay. Got it.
So how's it going with the girl?
- We're buffering.
- Sweet.
Yeah.
[]
[]
Mama please,
send down a sign
To know I'll see you
when I die
I've wandered lost
this road of doubt
My whole damned life
to figure it out...
[]
[music stops]
I moved here cause I moved here, mom.
It's been a year. I'm fine.
[IN GERMAN]
Is that what you want? Fine?
That's funny. Somebody just
said that about me.
Oh.
Is this Mr. Right?
Mr. Right Now.
It's an in-between thing.
It's on hold.
Well, if this man is taking
up a space in your garage,
no one else can park there.
Kay, I'm not going to
be ending up a cat lady.
Okay mom, I-I just...
I don't want to be making demands
in guys houses anymore.
'Kay?
You deserve better.
[sigh]
[refrigerator door opens]
[ringtone]
This is my time to shine
and I will blind the sun
cause I been waiting
for this moment
Hey!
CANDACE: What's up?
Oh nuthin', just, um..
Working.
Uh, so you took off the other night.
I didn't know you were gone.
Does it matter? You were
ignoring me anyways.
- No, I wasn't.
- Yes, you were.
I said blah blah blah
and you didn't even blah blah back to me.
No, I would have
remembered this conversation.
There wasn't a conversation.
- See, you cut me off
- Well, I have scissors.
I was working. Okay?
I don't know if we
should keep hanging out.
Feels like the first time
I quit smoking for real.
But, I mean, we went
to bed on our first date.
That was our third.
I would never go to bed
with someone on the first.
Okay, my head just
exploded and there's stuff
that looks like spaghetti
sauce all over the walls.
Okay, there's ten things you
need to know about women.
Number 10: Do not ignore them.
You know what, that's actually number one.
I'm going to go in ascending order.
Yeah, like there's ten things
you need to know about men.
Number one:
Men don't like being told how to drive.
[dog panting]
Maybe this was a bad idea.
Well, it's the 21st century and really,
everything's a bad idea.
But this whatever we are
is kind of half-assed and...
I need full-assed.
I don't want to sit around
watching you cruise the Internet.
I have self respect. There was
this test I took for my profile,
I scored a 63.
Yeah, no, I'm not cruising.
I'm working.
I mean, as long as they have Wi-Fi
I can pretty much do this or that anywhere.
Watch.
'Downloading Triple Helix is stealing.
Saying otherwise is like
advertising that you are inbred.
Please kill yourself
in a microwave.'
See? Could do that at the opera.
I guess.
Seriously?
I need this job.
For real.
Okay, but we need a tit for tat.
For every microwave burrito,
there's a hike to work it off.
And the mall doesn't count.
Okay, first of all, the mall counts.
- Mmm.
- And second...
Okay...
You're right.
So we agree?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, well, we can get
started after you apologize.
What? You want an apology?
Of course, so we can
end this on a positive note.
But no, I didn't do anything.
Yes, you did.
Are you kidding me?
Okay, I dated this guy who would always
deny that he ever apologized to me.
Just gaslighted me all the time.
Such an asshole. Anyways...
We're going to record
our apologies from now on,
so there are never any misunderstandings.
I need you to do this.
I'm sorry.
For?
Not... doing... anything.
I can edit that out.
I'm sorry, too.
You're not gonna record that?
No, I have no problem with
me being right all the time,
neither do you.
Holy shit.
That's good. I'm gonna
write that one down.
[chuckle]
So, are we made up?
Is there anything else you want to tell me?
No.
Okay, I'm gonna, like
kiss you now.
All right.
[chair screeches]
A little help here, please?
You have to meet me halfway from now on.
Okay.
Well, in that sense,
you gotta kiss me back.
- That's better now.
- Yeah.
I gotta go.
Where you going?
Home.
No... What'd I do now?
No. Nothing.
We just met. I can't stay
two nights in a row.
But yeah, you're not.
You weren't here last night.
- Come on.
- Not tonight.
[helicopter passes overhead]
[]
[traffic]
This sunblock is hypoallergenic.
I use 70 just on my face.
It's a lot of work being this good looking.
There is one thing you should
probably know about guys. Um...
There's some conversations
that make us want to kill ourselves.
- You're listening.
- No, I'm waiting.
We don't have an open
door policy yet, so...
Are those different panties?
Oh, this is post sex underwear.
- Did you go home?
- Nope. It was in my bag.
You carry extra panties?
There's regular underwear,
there's let's get it on underwear,
there's post sex underwear,
and then there's period underwear.
- That's a lot of underwear.
- Uh huh.
- How big is your place?
- It's got a bigger mirror.
Ah!
How would I know?
You, uh, never let me up.
Not yet.
Why?
Because.
We don't have an open door policy yet.
Want to hear about my deodorant?
I'm going to be outside pissing on a bush.
Oh! I'm done, I'm done!
Don't touch my stuff.
God...
Jesus Christ.
You can recycle those.
Obviously.
That's an idea.
[inaudible]
No, you're right. This is
completely inappropriate.
Or you have to have a
conversation with her.
But I can do that for
you, if you need me to.
No, no, I am agreeing with you.
This is unacceptable behavior,
and you... I can have
this conversation for you,
if you would like me to.
AVALINE: Girl, you better
get out of here quick.
I saw Evil Megan lookin' for you.
No, it's wine o'clock.
That drama has to wait till Monday.
- Hey, Candace!
- Yeah?
That movie that leaked on the news?
Is that the guy you went out with?
Dave? Yeah. Yeah,
he's growing on me.
Must be good looking.
I won't be scared if I meet him, will I?
He's got a cute little body.
He doesn't have muscles
like he thinks he does.
Except for the one in his mouth.
That seems to get a work out every day.
He better not turn that thing on me.
Well, I told my friend about him.
- And she said to watch out.
- Ow!
Ugh...
Watch out for what?
I'm listening.
[]
[]
[music stops]
[]
[crowd noise]
[]
So... I told my friend Iris
about your thing.
- My thing?
- Yeah, your job.
- My what?
- About what you do.
Why?
Why not?
Please, don't talk about
what I do. Okay?
It's super hush-hush,
double dog secret shit.
- Yeah, I know. But...
- No you don't.
- She won't tell anybody.
- Yes she will.
Don't you want to know what she said?
What did she say?
So you do want to know?
- Are we arguing about arguing?
- Eh.
What?
She has a friend that
works in movie posters.
And?
He worked for your studio.
And?
He didn't get paid.
And?
He. Didn't. Get. Paid.
Well, I'm getting paid.
Well, he did a lot of work for this company
and they didn't pay him.
So I just thought you'd want to know.
That some dumb ass didn't get paid?
Maybe they hired you
because they'd have to pay the other guys.
Okay, I'm not sloppy seconds.
They're a big company.
You're a little one.
Why would they do that?
I don't know.
Maybe they're over budget.
Maybe they're cheapskates.
I don't know.
- Can I tell you something?
- Hmm?
- It's very important.
- Okay.
Very important.
Yes...?
You are harshing my mellow.
I'm just trying to help.
Another thing you need to know about guys:
We don't like to be told how to hunt, okay?
If we can take down a Buffalo
with a razor sharp paperclip,
I don't need to be told I need a .44
to take down a squirrel, 'kay?
Ah, men. You guys, you have like
five emotional responses.
Hungry, tired, horny, sure
And breathtaking confidence.
No! Mantrums.
- Ooh, I like that!
- Yeah...
'Cept you got to say,
"Oh, snap!" at the end.
- No, I don't!
- Yeah.
You should wear one of those '90s sweaters
and make a big Z in the air.
- [laugh]
- You gotta own it.
Ah! Jesus!
Jeez.
This place is harshing my mellow.
You're the one who wanted to come here.
[sigh]
[distant traffic]
How can you trust people like that?
She won't tell anyone.
Like...
You don't know that.
I don't.
I could never do that.
It's like turning around to make it easier
for somebody to put the knife in.
Like this guy at the studio...
I don't get why he's
telling me all this shit.
I would never tell you everything.
He's a work moaner.
A what?
The real blabbermouths
are always the low totem people.
It makes him feel important.
Yeah, you're right.
I mean...
Damn.
I have a big mouth.
I'm sorry.
I won't tell anybody else.
Ever.
It's all right.
It always is.
Even when it isn't.
[distant traffic]
Ugh.
PAGE: Attention all
lab employees:
Do not go into hallway C.
Medical waste spill.
You know what I mean.
[]
[distant crying]
[crying]
PAGE: Doctor Whitman. You are
needed in chemistry, stat.
[sigh]
[crying]
I was just walking by
and thought I'd say hi.
I'm fine.
No, you're not.
We just had some bad news
from the doctor, that's all.
About Dana?
We just heard back...
The tumor has not got any better.
There's too much damage.
They said two or
maybe three weeks is all.
I'm so sorry, Megan.
It's all so fast.
I can't take time off work.
I can't afford it.
All that chemo and
still my little girl is dying.
Don't worry, I'm going
to help you Megan, okay?
With the fucker who stole
from the soda machine?
Mm-hmm.
STANFIELD: Hey Captain Cheesedick,
are you a fuckin' idiot?
What?
You didn't hear me?
No, what's going on?
The usernames you're
using are triple-X porn!
'Puppyfuckmeat'?
'BraisedDiaperShit'?
Are-are you out of your fuckin' mind?
I mean, we've been using
these names forever now.
They're an embarrassment
to the studio, idiot!
Listen you want to stop
the bleeding, this is how.
I'm in the swim lane for this!
If Natalie upstairs saw this,
if this astroturfing blew back,
I'd lose half of my ass in the explosion
and the other half when she
takes a bite out of what's left!
Okay, you got to understand
is 18 to 25 year olds...
Zero to a hundred is the
audience for this picture!
Don't share energy
drinks with handles like,
you know, 'friends of your parents'.
You might as well be in a park
playing chess in an adult diaper.
Actually, that's a good username.
I might use that.
How about this for a username?
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?
[sigh]
DAVE: So, why are you helping her?
I thought you hated her.
She has this family issue.
I'm not allowed to talk about it.
I feel bad for her. She's a cunt
but who wants to die alone?
I don't want to be that person.
Yeah, neither do I.
So, I think I'm going to help her.
But it's... uh... it's...
It's a gray area.
I can't talk about it.
Okay, are you always this nice to people?
Yes. I wish I could stop.
- Yeah, no, you should.
- [chuckle]
[]
So yeah, 'FigPucker' and 'AlienAssFarm'
are off limits now.
But somehow,
'ShillsterMcStudioPlant' is okay.
You catch more flies with honey.
Well really, you catch
more flies with horseshit.
Honey just attracts bears.
What about... 'inabritishaccent'?
Fucking awesomamazing.
I mean, it's carefree but full of beans.
Pretentious but loosey goosey...
I like your nicknames.
Like Jose and Jos-B for those two guys
you dated to keep 'em
straight in your phone.
Man, that's good.
I'm using that.
[]
[]
[music stops]
Just... say it.
I gotta go pound keys, so...
I just want you to say what's on your mind.
Can I just have one question then?
Yeah.
What kind of douche are you?
- What?
- Yeah.
It's like every guy I meet
is a chocolate Easter bunny.
I mean, at first I'm like,
'Oh hey, look at that.
That's a lot of chocolate.'
And then, whoops, sorry.
They break in my hands
because they're hollow inside.
So I'd like to know now
what kind of douche you are
and save myself a year of running around
with milk chocolate all over my hands!
Sometimes, I think that there's
a tiny black rain cloud
just over me.
- Are you vague booking me?
- Yeah, no!
Okay, because I see you online still.
That little green dot.
Are you seeing someone else?
How do I know you're
not hiding something?
- Ha. Me?
- Yeah.
Usually people who accuse you of stuff
are hiding stuff themselves.
Well, I'm not hiding anything.
Well, the day that I met you, first day,
you had that look on your face
that's all, "We need to talk."
And then at the coffee
shop, when I asked you
if there was anything else
you wanted to talk about,
you nodded "yes"
but said "no."
Hmm...
You know what?
I'm gonna record this.
- Oh, come on.
- [chuckle]
So yeah, Candace...
Tell me what you've been hiding.
Come on...
Clock the T...
Come on.
Jesus, Candace... I'm on Acyclovir.
On what?
I have HSV-2.
What?
I meant to tell you
earlier and then we just...
Did you give me fucking cooties?
No, I didn't.
We used condoms, so...
- You fucking lied to me.
- I tried to tell you and...
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, sorry!
Stitch that shit on a fucking pillow.
- I didn't, I just
- Did you give me fucking herpes?
- Oh, sorry!
- It's a suppressant, you can't...
You're lying to me!
You can't get it unless
I'm showing, it's not
nothing's going to happen to you!
Are you sleeping with someone else?
- No!
- You asked me that!
I mean, people don't
just say shit to say shit!
- I just... I...
- What the fuck did you do to me?
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Oh my fucking God.
- What the fuck?!?
- I'm sorry!
Get the fuck out of here!
Thanks for stopping by, Typhoid Candace!
I'm gonna get gonorrhea
and I don't know what else...
I'm gonna get typhoid
and syphilis and-Oh, God!
Woah!
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoo-hoo!
Ugh, it's like sleeping on a bio hazard.
[]
[crying]
I'm sorry for, like, being an asshole.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
[]
[text alert]
I feel like all I ever do is wait.
I meet a guy and I slink
around for months wondering
should I tell you now?
Next week?
So, I wait.
I wait and wait and wait
and wait and wait and wait
and wait and wait and wait
and wait and wait and
wait and wait and wait
until the moment is gone.
Didn't you ever know what to say?
Yes, of course.
Like when?
Like, when I was on ecstasy.
[chuckles]
[mouse clicks & typing]
[mouse clicks]
To dopamine.
Milk my serotonin.
Ugh...
Ugh.
CANDACE: I'm sorry, that I did not
tell you that...
- You know...
- Mm-hmm.
I am so sorry, Dave.
Mmm.
[chuckle]
Good.
You know, we all have secrets.
- It's not a secret.
- Oh!
- It's a cheat code.
- Okay.
But I do have a little confession.
Hmm?
I lied on my profile.
I don't really like food, or traveling
- No...
- or any of that kind of stuff.
This changes everything.
Yeah. They should call
long walks on the beach
'how to find broken glass.'
[chuckle]
I just-I have limits that
most girls don't like.
So I looked at a lot of girls profiles and
made a list of things
they were looking for.
Candles and massages... Steamy mirrors...
Things like that.
And I put 'em up.
[chuckle] So, who are you really?
I mean, if you would have
to write your actual profile,
how would you describe yourself?
Uh...
I'm
[laugh]
I don't know.
Yeah, me too.
[]
All those online phony
romancers in the catalog...
That's what I call them,
'The Man Catalog.'
You know, I like click through the pages
and try to find the right fit.
Like, the right return policy.
- The right what?
- Yeah, you know,
like if I stopped
returning your phone calls,
you'll get the hint and
you'll leave me alone.
You don't send me a muffin basket
or text me a picture of your wing wang.
[chuckle]
Wait a second.
- What?
- Wait.
I got it.
- Look what I have for you.
- [giggle]
[]
[heavy breathing]
I can't come!
I can't either.
I can't come.
I can't ever come.
Same for me.
That's okay.
- I can't come.
- That's okay.
DAVE: My heart stops
all the time.
I mean, it's supposed
to beat until you die but
mine doesn't.
It starts and stops, uh...
like... like a car alarm.
Hmm.
It gets so loud sometimes...
I can't even think.
And when it stops, there's this, like
you know...
Like a... like a sound
that's not a sound.
Like a
a ringing in my ear.
Uh huh.
And then when it comes back on
it's just...
[sigh]
My life was always loud.
- I wish it wasn't, really.
- Ssh.
[chuckle]
I do the alphabet.
[chuckle] No!
Where do men hear that?
I thought girls liked that.
You could ask.
Just ask.
Come on. I don't ask for directions
at a gas station.
Not directions.
Technical support.
You need a whiteboard with arrows
pointing to everything.
[laughter]
[breathing]
You have to be soft, okay?
I'm-I'm not a touch phone.
You're not buying an app.
[breathing]
Softer...
Just-just slow...
DAVE: That woman meant
nothing to me.
I know that sounds
like complete shit but...
She messaged me the day that I met you.
And I chose you.
You.
- Okay?
- Okay.
[soft moans]
There was this guy at my old job.
Curt.
We dated for a little bit.
We didn't trade keys or anything.
[IN GERMAN]
Wish I knew what you just said.
And then I left.
And I walked out that
door on the last day and...
I guess it was snowing, but
all I remember
is that... muddy snow
all over my feet.
I was just walking down the street
like a dirty snowflake.
And then I came here.
No. Use a rubber.
Trust me.
Don't you trust me?
I trust you.
[breathing]
Do you feel me?
You feel good.
We're not snowflakes.
We're puzzle pieces.
And we fit.
I promise...
I'm never going to wear
a rubber with you again.
[groans]
I can't come...
I can't come...
I can't come...
- You're still a man...
[groans]
What the hell?
[groan]
[groan]
[]
[mouse click]
[sigh]
[traffic]
I need you to sign this.
But don't look at it.
Is this going to make me upset?
Just do this for me
and then it'll be my
headache and not yours.
I already saw it when you put it down.
I saw Megan's name on it.
Is this about the missing quarter?
It's about Dana. We're trying
to bend some rules
so Megan can take the
last two weeks off paid.
[sigh]
Bending or breaking?
Eh...
Her brother owns the place
and he's too cheap to pay for her time off.
They're both emotionally constipated.
Okay, so now I need your help.
Can you have a seat?
This is gonna make me upset, isn't it?
It's about the missing quarter.
[]
[sigh]
Well...
[]
[kibble pours]
[typing]
[knock on door]
What are we doing?
We're going somewhere.
We're doing something.
Come on.
[sigh]
I'm gonna get in trouble
with my job for you.
I know.
So, if you ask me if I...
'L' you...
- Mmm.
This is proof, okay?
Okay.
[]
[traffic]
I felt underwater all day.
These 'Tuesday Blues' are annoying.
Yeah, that guy who was trolling us
kicked my ass all day.
But I did get one good slap in:
"I am rataturkukated
by your ignorance."
What?
Autocorrect really helped
me out with that one.
So... Let me ask you shumeshing-something!
- Uh huh?
- Jesus.
I have a problem.
It's not you.
Do you remember the
missing twenty-five cents?
- Still?
- Mm-hmm.
No, you helped her out with whatever it is.
She won't let it go.
My boss talked to me.
I have to fire somebody
just to make her happy.
Anybody I want. He doesn't
even care who it is.
Wow.
'Kay... um...
Who you gonna let go?
Nobody! See this is where
I need your help.
This is what you do all day, right?
Change the subject?
Right. Change the subject.
And keep changing the subject
until they're so far in the woods
they can't find their way out.
See, I don't think this is a,
"Oh, hey look! It's a bird!"
Kind of answer.
No, there is a hundred
ways to change the subject.
Megan, um, are you
implying that I took the quarter?
That doesn't sound like me.
I don't even carry cash, who does anymore?
Can you step back? I have
a little bit of conjunctivitis.
Maybe it was lost in the machine.
I lose socks in the dryer all the time.
You're still around? Everybody's
been saying you've been let go.
I ate some bad sushi for lunch
and I am going to make a floor pizza!
You think maybe it could be Ted?
Why would it be Ted?
Megan, your hair looks wonderful today.
Or... you go all thermonuclear
and use the 'C word'.
When she opens her big pie hole
to blame you for something you didn't do,
just look her right in the eyes and say:
"It's because I have cancer."
Don't say that!
Don't do that!
Her little one has cancer!
Well, you didn't tell me that!
I mean, all you told me
about was the missing two bits!
Well, everything is
about everything, Dave.
It's always about everything.
Don't be mad at me!
- I'm not mad!
- Right.
I've seen this face before.
On the I-5, before rush hour,
when you thought we'd make it on time.
Well, I'm not gonna fire anybody.
It's not fair. I'm not gonna do it.
- You need to pull a Slater.
- A what?
That flight attendant
who quit on the runway?
Grab a few beers, hit the emergency hatch.
Yeah, you need to go
down the evacuation slide
and just quit.
Okay, this face isn't saying,
"I don't know what that means."
It's saying,
"You are not listening."
[sigh]
Listening is hard.
I don't know how you do it.
It's not rocket science.
[]
DAN: You can't do this.
It's not right.
You know it's not right.
I don't want it. No.
[]
Oh, I'm so sorry, darling!
Now that Dan's gone
we don't need to keep an eye
on our purses anymore, right?
[thunder rumbles]
STANFIELD: So, we got some
tracking numbers back
and I have to say, two weeks out.
And the needle is finally moving our way
Tracking? What's that?
It's exit polling.
Numbers go up, that's desire to see.
Number go down, that's not good.
"Meat in seats."
Yeah, maybe. Who knows
if any of this shit works.
I don't believe it.
Then why do you pay for it?
Hold on a minute.
[chewing and typing noises]
[sigh]
[chewing and typing noises]
Hey, where you at?
- Where?
- Where are you?
I want to see your top secret setup.
Stop by and say hi.
See you in action.
Uh, no. We're working
real hard here, uh...
NO, NO!
THAT IS NOT IT! I TOLD HIM!
I TOLD HIM TO SWAP
THAT WIDE SHONOT SWIPE IT FOR
THE OTHER WIDE SHOT!
FUCKING IDIOT!
Goddamn it...
Hey listen, I got to run, bud.
Give Angie your deets.
I TOLD HIM! I... [phone disconnects]
Christ.
I thought they already know where you live.
Just let them come over if they want.
Yeah, no. This-this job
is a lot of money.
They think they hired a company.
Not a guy in an apartment.
I mean, everything's being sent
to my P.O. Box.
And they don't know where I'm at.
Then just rent a place. I mean,
there are signs everywhere.
It's gonna be cheap.
I... I don't have cheap
in my wallet right now.
I'm stuck between a rock and an invoice.
I thought you said astroturfing paid.
Seems to me it's easier
to just tell the truth.
Why does everybody say that?
I mean, when has telling
the truth ever worked?
For anybody?
Ever?
Name once.
Once.
I mean, when have you told the truth
and it actually worked out?
Never.
It's-it's...
That's why we call them 'white lies'
and not 'break your heart lies'.
I don't want to break
your heart but, you know,
I just want what I want.
And, I don't want this studio exec
to humiliate me any
more than he already has.
Especially not in my own apartment.
Please, don't embarrass me.
Okay.
Okay.
[]
CANDACE: Hey Iris, this is Dave.
- IRIS: There he is.
- DAVE: Hi.
AVALINE: So, you're the
airhead genius.
Uh... Yeah, here I am.
- Uh...
- [text alert]
Sorry, uh...
Work's been crazy recently.
Nice to... yeah.
Yeah, that's what that's been like
for the past four weeks now.
Oh, fuck!
Fuckity fuckity fuck!
You're gonna get us all fired!
Fucking Christ!
Fucking kidding me?
How could you fucking do this?
Dear mother fucker, you
can't use usernames like that.
My God, you are a friggin' troglodyte.
Please go fucking kill yourself
so it can save me the fucking
hassle of going to prison.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Goddamn it! Fuck!
I am going to stab you in
the ear with a butter knife
until you can't blink anymore.
[]
This is what mortified looks like.
This is double fucked with
two guys high-fiving above me.
Can't you put the phone down even once?
Without even the
courtesy of a reach around.
But you're not building on my point.
You're not making the mountain higher,
you're making it lower.
Which is actually a hole.
I don't even know you are.
I've never even met your friends.
I don't know who you are.
Let me ask you something.
- Are you a pig?
- What?
Is that why you haven't
invited me to your place?
Because there's potato chip bags
and old mail everywhere?
No, of course not.
I'm going to need to
see your apartment soon
otherwise I'm going to think you're
like a squatter or something.
Strawberries!
Strawberries?
Strawberries.
Strawberries.
Are you negging me from that book?
No, no, no, no, no!
When I was little-little,
my friend and I, we used to
sell strawberries at the fair.
Except they wouldn't let us
unless we paid the dumb fee.
Which we didn't have any
money, so we went anyways.
And there was always an empty stand
that we could just take over.
Nobody ever noticed.
Dave, don't you know anybody
with a nicer place than yours?
Fuck me! You're a rock star.
Of course! Um, let me check.
And my other point?
Oh, yeah. Um...
I'm sorry. I should have
told you earlier.
I have cancer.
Can you actually say,
'I messed up.'
Yeah, no. I apologized last time
for something I didn't do.
That means I don't have to apologize now
for something I did do.
That's called
'Paying It Backwards.'
MOM: I followed the instructions
for the butterfly screen saver.
- When I finally found it
- Uh huh.
It was in a folder called 'other.'
Yes.
[IN GERMAN]
Really. Now I'm trying
to stretch the sky
[IN GERMAN]
Mom, my boss just walked in.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I gotta go.
- Well, you better be all ears.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- [IN GERMAN]
And, um, and about this weekend,
we're not going to make it.
- Oh...
- Dave is very busy and so am I.
I was so much looking
forward to meeting him.
Yeah. Yeah, you'll meet him.
You'll meet him after...
Yeah, I gotta go.
- Okay, okay.
- Uh, I really gotta go.
- Um...
- I'll call you right back.
- [IN GERMAN]
- I promise. Call you right...
- Just one minute
- Why don't I call you?
- Bye.
- Make sure you...
So, you took my advice and
found yourself a stupid man.
[]
I'm sorry, I...
I just have.. You know...
I just haven't been here, really.
With us.
It's my fault.
I just...
You know, this-this job was
gonna be a big break and...
I guess it is, really, but...
I mean, it's kind of crazy we met.
Maybe you're my big break.
I just had trouble
seeing people in the past and...
It's kind of like, you
know when you're listening
to music on your phone?
Do you ever listen to the end of the songs?
I... I don't, really.
I just jump to the next
song while it's still good.
I just want to still be dancing.
Well...
It's time skip to the one
where you go home all alone.
It's country song.
And I have work tomorrow, too.
[sigh]
[]
[]
ROB [IN SPANISH]: Que onda, cabron?
You are actually early.
- I didn't think it was you.
- Ha ha.
Where can I set up?
Uh, right here in my office.
- Here's the key.
- Thanks.
I gotta go to work.
Don't drink my mango smoothies.
[SPANISH] Dude, mi casa tu casa.
It's the other way around, dipstick.
[SPANISH] Tu casa es mi casa?
- [sigh]
- Yeah, absolutely.
No mango smoothies, that's the thing.
All Right.
- Make us look good.
- Yeah.
Countin' on you.
[start chime]
[]
[text alert]
[coins drop]
Josie...
[]
[horn honks]
My God, move!
I'm gonna lose my shit!
Move it! Go!
To the right!
Fucking Christ!
[]
[machine stops]
[quarter drops]
[close door]
[ringtone]
This is my time to shine...
Yeah?
It's Angie, from Bill's office.
He's on his way.
Great.
Um... thanks.
Now you know.
[phone disconnects]
Hello?
[clock ticks]
[bottle clatters]
So he didn't call you back
that he wasn't coming?
No, he just called he
was and then he didn't.
Maybe he's lost. I mean,
you should call him back.
Yeah, no. I'm not doing that.
Oh, this is gonna be good.
He was never coming.
Maybe he went to the batting cages
and threw balls at kids' heads.
Or maybe he went over to
"Yes, Mistress Stiletto!"
And got spanked.
You should ask him that.
Have him tell me what he's doing.
- Yeah!
- I have no problem with me being right.
Neither do you, really.
That's a good one, you know.
I'm gonna to use that.
- Go home to your girlfriend.
- She's not...
We're not holding hands.
Really?
What? You blow that
other girl off?
[sigh]
Guess when it's cold, the
wool from the other sheep
will keep you warm.
Just keep wrappin' it in rubber, stud.
Pfft!
Oh my God, are you kidding me?
I pull out.
TMI, Dude!
I know, it's complicated.
W-What does TMI mean?
It's not GMMI:
Give Me More Information!
Open up!
[bottles clatter]
Hm-hmm.
Thanks, Rob.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Buenos nachos!
Thanks a lot.
[]
[light switch]
[]
So, tell me...
Are we a thing?
Where'd that come from?
Aren't we?
Well yeah, but like...
what are you thinking?
Like, in general or right now?
Like now.
I was just thinking if we broke up.
Fuck me.
Well, not really!
Just, you know, 'what if' scenarios.
What would I do?
What would I say?
I always think about the ending
before the beginning.
I wish I wasn't doing that.
I mean, sometimes talking to you
is like talking to an
astronaut in outer space.
That's because you need to listen.
It's not what I'm saying,
it's what I'm not saying.
No, seriously...
Are you seeing someone?
No, are you?
Yeah, I think we should be a thing.
We're a thing now.
You want to be an item?
Well, not like just
we're seeing each other.
More like... you know...
Friday nights are reserved, type of thing.
Okay, but it bothers you
when I'm in outer space.
Well cause, nobody's
on the rocket with you.
[laugh]
Just because someone
doesn't say they like you
doesn't mean they don't
like
do, really.
[]
Then I won't tell you.
Josie...
[chuckle]
[]
[coffee grinder]
[gas burner on]
[brushing teeth]
[kibble clatters]
[birds chirping]
[car door chirp]
[traffic]
Have you seen that?
Seen what?
This is not the same quarter.
Megan, the repair guy found it.
It was an accident.
You will not hire Dan back.
Well, Nick said I have to clear everything
with your brother
from now on. So...
Have you seen the
pile of boxes in the hall?
How can you not see that?
You should talk to Iris.
Well, Pedro usually takes them away...
She needs to break those boxes down.
She can't just stack them
in the hall anywhere she wants.
That's not really my job but I can
talk to her if you need me to.
Now? Or is that more of a,
'Yeah and?'
Yes. Now.
[]
[centrifuge starts]
Hey, Iris. What was
that trick you said
to get more juice out of lemons?
Oh, you just put it in the microwave
for about seven seconds.
Oh, that's right. That's right.
Thanks.
[typing]
[door knock]
She's a little touchy right now,
so I'd just avoid her for a little.
You need to be on top of this.
You can't be letting people
procrastinate like that.
Well, if there's anything
else I can help you with.
[typing]
[distant traffic]
So, she thinks you talked to both of them?
I didn't lie.
Like, what if they talk to each other?
What if they don't?
Yeah, okay. I wouldn't have
done that.
- Eh.
- Thank you.
Girls don't lift their leg.
Anyways, we're in quiet water now.
- Right?
- Mm-Hmm.
I'm done. You're done.
- See?
- Mm-Hmm.
So what's next?
Mushrooms?
Mmm... all right.
General, we have incoming forces.
Bright Shadow, take 'em out.
Quietly!
[]
[CyberBots speak]
[attack ship flies overhead]
[fight efforts]
[attack ship flyby]
[explosion]
[WarFlare screams]
[laser fire]
[fight efforts]
[WarFlare screams]
[head explodes]
- Oh!
[sparks]
That was about as covert
as a pocketful of assholes
after a three bean dinner.
KATERI: What the hell was that?
This movie sucks ass.
No, they didn't add any new scenes.
I'm getting frostbite talking to you.
That's cause the world's a cold place.
And I got ice in my veins.
Rob is gonna blow his mind.
WARFLARE: You're getting
nanotonic protoplasm on me.
- [laugh]
- Oh, come on!
There's nobody here!
- WARFLARE: Fuck that.
- [laugh]
You got busted.
KATERI: Well, that's fine. Because..
You smell... like a taco bowl!
ANGIE: It's Bill's office. Wait.
STANFIELD: [chewing sounds]
Hey, there he is.
- How's it going?
- Hey buddy.
I just wanted to give you a ring
and thank you for all the hard work.
Yeah, no problem.
Really glad to help.
- Is that celery?
- I think it's carrots.
Yeah, it says it's on track
to make, like, uh, $80 million.
$80 million? That sounds like
a good haul to me.
Considering we were, uh,
shittin' a pinecone uphill
the whole way, it's a win.
Well, we did what we do.
Hey, I see on the news you got the guy.
What guy?
The who posted the movie online.
They arrested him in Australia?
No, Michigan, I think.
It doesn't matter.
The FBI grabbed him but he's not the guy.
What?!?
No, I was the head of the studios
daughter who let it out.
How the fuck did that happen?
Her and her friend wanted to see it early
so he had the cutting room make her a copy.
Can he do that?
The man signing the
check wants to see your film,
you show it to him.
But the little shit posted it to her friend
who gave it to the guy.
Holy shit!
Yeah, who's gonna
tell the head of the studio
his daughter fucked up?
D-don't tell anybody I
told you that, all right?
- I could get big trouble.
- Yeah.
Yeah, like you've got someone to tell.
- Ha, ha.
- I'm just kidding.
Hey, I gotta take this call.
Good work, guy.
Yeah, you too. Uh, we're here
for you.
[phone disconnects]
DAVE: Hey, you want to hear
a mind hole?
Head of the studio, his
daughter leaked the movie.
She gave it to a friend.
So the guy that was arrested?
He's fucked to hell and everyone else
just turns the other fuckin' way...
The fuck?
Oh! Shit!
God!
Jesus!
How'd you find out?
Oh!
Ugh!
I found that in the trash.
Candace, I didn't know
fucking know how-I
didn't-It was a stupid mistake!
I didn't mean to-I-I'm sorry!
Candace, come on!
DAVE: Candace!
[door closes]
[crying]
[text alert]
[sigh]
[phone sounds]
[phone sounds]
[traffic]
[ringtone]
This is my time to shine
and I will blind the sun
Hey, Bill.
STANFIELD: Hey, I'm looking at
some of these invoices here.
I'm not paying this.
Yeah, no. Those are the numbers
we talked about.
I-I'm over budget.
That money's already gone.
I-I thought you said it did
gangbusters when it opened?
No, it tanked!
So there's no money.
But it... it made
$80 million dollars.
We bought those tickets.
We do it all the time.
You bought $80 million
dollars worth of tickets?
Sure.
How many times have
you heard of a hit movie
but you don't know anyone who's seen it?
Come on. This movie was never
gonna open well.
It's a piece of shit.
You saw it, right?
No... Am I getting paid?
I can give you twenty
cents on the dollar.
I... I don't understand.
You wouldn't.
We're a big company.
We don't make money on money.
It's all about stock.
Look, you did super work, all right?
The stock price, it didn't wiggle much
so the movie was a push.
Next time it's four of a
kind and we do better.
Ah, I kinda opened the
kimono there, didn't I?
D-don't repeat that.
I know you won't.
You know, I might have another job for you.
They haven't pulled the trigger yet.
I... okay... uh... Well,
we're here for you.
Dude, you should get some agency work.
You got any contacts there?
A couple thrown cell
phones... Some sofa jumping...
Jew-this, Jew-that comments...
Dude, you could be making
bank turfing for actors!
Sounds good.
I'll let you know.
Good work, guy.
[phone disconnects]
It was.
[]
[head hits]
[mouse clicks]
LYRIC: Some days I wish
I could fly away from here
Into the amber setting sun
Some days I wish
I could just disappear
Start a new life
as no one...
Good job.
[]
Lord bring me back to somewhere
I can call home
Somewhere that feels
like nowhere
Been stuck in this city
dreaming of running away
Get lost in a
cold winter rain...
Anyways, so South Palo.
Back to the story.
They ended up, just every other day,
you could drive there...
And so people just bought two cars.
You know? So they just
doubled the problem
of what it was supposed to be.
And that's why I just
don't think government
should be in everyone's lives...
I miss the silence
of gold setting suns
And all the mystery
of being on the run
I miss the days
when life was only fun
But most of all
I miss being no one
Yeah, most of all
I miss being no one
Yeah, most of all
I miss being no one...
[moaning]
[]
I long to lie down
in the fields that never end
Swim the lake where
I can't see the other side
The morning's silence broken
by a black bird with red wings
And the chatter of
the leaves up in the sky
I miss the silence
of gold setting suns
And all the mystery
of being on the run
I miss the days
when life was only fun
But most of all
I miss being no one...
[]
[keyboard strikes]
[Typing]
[phone chimes]
[sigh]
[sigh]
[tablet taps]
I miss the silence
of gold setting suns
And all the mystery
of being on the run
I miss the days
when life was only fun
But most of all
I miss being someone
Yeah, most of all
I miss being someone
Yeah, most of all
I miss being someone...
[]
[exhale]
[groan]
[sigh]
[]
[rocket engine]
[airlock opens]
What the hell was that?
Fuck it.
Do you know what 'secret mission' means?
Fuck yeah.
Is that all you know how to say?
"Fuck this, fuck that."
Fuck no.
I'm getting frostbite talking to you.
That's cause the world's a cold place.
And I got ice in my veins.
- Ah!
- Mmm.
You're getting nanotonic protoplasm on me.
Fuck that.
[Gasps]
Well, that's fine. Because... you smell
like a taco bowl!
What are you lookin' at?
[towel snap]
[page announcements]
[sigh]