Club Dread (2004) Movie Script
[Screaming, Laughing]
I can't believe
you invited that guy.
[Mock English Accent]
He's such a bloody wanker.
Oh, cut it out, Rolo. God!
Why are you always makin' fun of him?
Give me a break. Sissy Brit.
- Who the hell talks like that?
- [Laughing]
- You're such a jerk, Rolo.
- You're gonna love this shit.
[Chuckles]
Pure Costa Rica Freaka.
- Ow!
- Hey, Stacy...
while I torch this baby,
how about you lick my chest?
Oh.
[Chuckles]
- [Chuckling]
- [Twig Snaps]
- Hey, what about my nipples?
- Shut up! Someone's watching us.
A peeper, huh?
My kind of guy.
- Rolo, I'm serious. It creeped me out.
- All right, all right.
I know a place more private...
- and romantic.
- Oh. [Chuckles]
Ow!
Check it out.
- What do you think?
- Ooh!
Should we be doin' this here?
I mean, isn't this, like,
sacred or something?
What? No, they're dead.
You got any objections, Ricky?
[Spanish Accent]
I think you should give it to her, senor.
- [Laughing]
- [Bushes Rustling]
There he is again.
This guy's gonna be
picking his teeth out of my dump.
- [Yells]
- [Stacy Gasps]
Stacy, this guy doesn't even have teeth.
- [Chuckling]
- [Screeching]
[Both Scream]
Watch the hair, asshole!
- [Stacy Laughing]
- Goddamn monkeys.
- [Roars]
- [Screams]
[Gasps, Laughs]
Oh, my God!
Who needs a love potion?
I whipped up something extra tasty.
Ow!
So, where are we gonna do this?
I don't wanna get caught
in the middle of a cemetery.
Let's at least go inside
that old mausoleum.
Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
- [Chuckling]
- Wow.
- Check this out.
[Laughs]
[Yelling]
[Grunting, Laughing]
Oh. Looks like
we don't need you anymore.
[Both Moaning]
- [Door Closes]
- [Both Scream]
[Rolo]
What the...
It was probably just the wind.
Okay, we're back in.
- [Rolo Chuckles]
- Whoo!
Heads or tails?
- Mmm... heads.
- Oh!
- What's "tails"?
- You don't wanna know.
[Moaning]
[Sword Unsheathing]
What is it? Too waxy?
Shh. I heard something.
Was it, um,
a strange sucking sound?
[Chuckles]
Oh!
Say, what do you think about smacking
me in the face a couple of times?
Not hard.
Well, kinda hard.
[Chuckles]
What do you say?
- No.
- Oh, come on.
- No!
- Oh, come on, Kelly.
- It's not like I'm asking you
to eat my crap.
- No!
- Just slug me.
- [Both Screaming]
- Over here!
- No, this way!
[Gasping]
[Screaming]
[Panting]
- ##[Reggae, Distant]
- [Chattering, Distant]
[Gasps]
- [Horn Blowing]
- ## [Soft Rock]
[Man]
All right. Here we go.
## [Continues]
[Over P.A.] Welcome to Pleasure Island!
I'm your host, Coconut Pete.
Put your bags down and meet me
at the pool for a nice drink.
Are you ready
for the time of your life?
Yeah, fiesta time!
Are you ready to party?
- Buenos dias! Lars Brunckhorst.
- Right this way, my friend.
- Welcome to the island.
Please, keep walking.
- Listen, l...
[Man]Are you ready to party?
Come on, now!
Party!
Who'd like to party?
- Hey, Lars Brunckhorst.
- Time to party. Welcome to the party.
- Lars Brunckhorst.
- Follow the officer.
Just follow the officer.
- Follow the officer. Follow the officer.
- You don't understand...
Whoo-hoo! Welcome
to Coconut Pete's Pleasure Island!
Now, you are here to have fun.
If you choose not to have fun,
fun will be provided for you.
[Cheering]
Whoo-hoo!
All right, let's go have some fun
now, huh? Bring it down. Bring it down.
- Left, right! Left, right!
- Hey, General. Lars Brunckhorst. Listen...
- Nice fuckin' hat, pussy!
- Hey, you got that bag of grass
I loaned you?
Ooh, sorry. You know how it is.
Let me know
when you score some more.
[Chuckles]
Ooh!
Hey, you. I'm sorry I'm late.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Yeah, all right. Go on.
[Woman] Who wants drinks?
Drinks, drinks, drinks.
- [Man] Yeah, I like that!
- [Woman] Bring it on!
Hey, Dave. Hey, Carlos.
- Hola, Kelly.
- Think you could put a little
something extra in my drinks?
I know ex-actly what you need.
- There you go.
- [Whistling]
If anyone else is eager
to share the ex-perience...
I'll be around this e-vening...
- and we'll be ex-pecting them.
- Okay, okay, okay. I get it.
Put it on my tab.
- Hey, at least give me
one of those margaritas.
- Sorry.
They're so spoken for.
[Laughs]
[Mouthing Words]
We're gonna go for a quick romp
in the jungle before the pool party.
[English Accent]
Oh, I don't know, Stace.
I have to play tennis soon,
and, well, to be honest...
that stretch of the jungle gives me an
extraordinary case of the wonky britches.
Sweet Jesus,
you're an F-cake, Putman.
- [Gasps]
- What the hell?
You were just telling me
what a nut-cup this guy is.
[Stacy]
I did not!
[Man Over P.A.]
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...
- your host and rock and roll's
favorite son...
- ## [Guitar]
Coconut Pete!
[Applause]
[Coconut Pete]
Welcome to Pleasure Island!
[Man Over P.A.]
Whoo-hoo!
I love you, Coconut Pete!
Oh! Well, I guess
you all heard this one, huh?
- [Cheering]
- Back you go, dickweed!
I guess you also know
that I took this song and turned it...
into a beautiful reality.
- This gorgeous group of people
behind me is our staff.
- [Cheering]
And they're here to take care of you
in more ways than one!
Now, you came here to
escape civilization...
and we're gonna hold you to it.
Your cell phones won't work here.
There are no fax machines...
and most importantly of all,
no strings attached!
[Cheering]
[Horn Blowing]
[Blowing Whistle]
Coconut Pete, you're under arrest!
What are the charges, officer?
For keeping these people from enjoying
free drinks at the pool from noon to 3:00!
- [Cheering]
- That would be a crime!
Well, you heard the man.
Free drinks at the pool!
Last one in
is a rotten coconut!
[Animals Chittering]
- [Screams]
- [Screams]
- [Panting]
- Are you all right?
Yeah. That thing just scared me a little.
It's just Welkie, the Welcome Gorilla.
These two idiots were trying to hump him,
so I thought I'd stash him out here.
- I'm Jenny.
- I'm Penelope.
I'm a little lost.
You look familiar.
Have you ever been here before?
Oh, yeah. Um, well, no.
Huh.
So where are you from?
- Uh, Nome, Alaska?
- Hmm.
I guess you just have
one of those faces.
- [Chuckles]
- Just take a right up there
to get to the big path.
But you better hurry.
You'll miss the drinks by the pool.
## [Reggae]
[Man] Oh, Manny,
look at the chassis on this one.
Oh, dude.
Wanna get nailed?
Hot dudes lookin'
for some gander juice.
Yeah!
- Okay, maybe later. Yeah.
- I'll get back to you.
Oh, dude, look at that one, dude.
Green bikini? Oh, dude.
- Look at that little cheetah.
- Hair pie.
- [Grunting]
- [Barks]
- Jackie O'Tripod.
- Dude, what...
Oh, dude, check out that
orange bikini, dude.
Oh, dude, come on.
- Do you want to be drilled by Manny?
- [Grunting]
[Laughing]
Bogey. Bogey.
- 12:00 noon.
- Holy shit, dude.
I know that chick.
That's the chick on that TV show...
- A.M. Pump Up With Amy Aerobics.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
She's the one in the way back.
Dude, she was. But then the chick
by the palm tree died...
so she got promoted to palm tree.
And then Amy Aerobics died, and so
she's the new number one chick, dude.
- She's the new Amy Aerobics!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Amy Aerobics died?
- What did she die of?
- She didn't die of a fat ass,
I'll tell you that, bro.
[Both Laughing]
What's up?
Dude, don't be gay, man.
- I don't think so.
- Hi.
Oh! Whoo! Hey.
- Lars Brunckhorst. I'm the new masseur.
- [Jenny] Hi.
- I'm Jenny.
- Really nice to meet you, Jenny.
- And this is Yu.
- And really nice to meet you, Yu.
- [Chuckles]
- So youre subbing in for Inga this week?
- Yeah.
- Well, you'd better be good.
Inga had some great moves.
Let's see what you got.
Ooh.
[Chuckles]
- [Chanting]
- [Both Moaning]
Oh, God.
Inga never did anything like that.
- Who's the fucking hippie?
- I'll take that.
Hey, get your own margy.
- It's not for me.
It's for our new masseur, Lars.
- Are you serious?
We swapped out a six-foot
Swedish broad for this guy?
- I'm six-one.
- Cool!
Oh, don't worry about him.
He's Coconut Pete's nephew, so he
thinks he can get away with murder.
At least assault
with a deadly wet one.
- [Whistle Blowing] Who wants to limbo?
- Limbo! Limbo!
[Cheering]
I'll show you the ropes
at the club tonight.
Look for me.
I'll be the cute chick behind the bar.
[Roy]
Attention: Frankie back to Hollywood!
- Dude, whatever.
- Dude, this is you! This is you!
[Chattering Continues, Indistinct]
- Bend it, don't break it.
- I'll bend anything. I'm gettin'
so fuckin laid tonight.
- ## [Dance]
- [Chattering, Indistinct]
[Man]
Yeah, drink, sugar! Chug it down!
Chug it down for me!
[Man Over P.A.] Hey, what's up there,
you foxes and cockses?
Here comes Coconut Pete!
[Cheering]
Hey, am I go. You must be Lars.
Coconut Pete. Hey, man, I really appreciate
you bringing me into your life circle.
Pleasure's all mine. Say, I hear
good things about your fingers.
Is that a tranquillity blouse?
Yeah, it is. It's actually the same one
you wore on your album cover.
"Pink Crustaceans and Good Vibrations"?
I read a 1977 interview
where you said that...
the teal and blue really kept
you focused during the tough times.
That sounds like something
I said back in '77.
I guess nobody told you, but, uh...
you're supposed to wear
the Pleasure Sweater on luge duty.
Oh, yeah, they did, but it's actually
kind of hot in here...
and it was kind of
wadded up on the ground...
just put the goddamn thing on.
Hank, give Lars a hand, will ya?
Oh, yeah.
- Thanks, Hank.
- Hey, Coco Pete, I have
a present for you, my friend.
- You see the beautiful flower
in the yellow dress?
- Mmm!
[Coconut Pete]
She's in full bloom.
She said she saw you in Tucson
three years ago, 14th row.
Excuse me, but weren't you
at one of my shows?
U of A, '99?
- Yeah!
- I remember you! You were in the...
Don't tell me... 15th row.
- Fourteenth row!
- I have a pictographic memory
for pretty faces.
Well, hey, how about the grand tour?
- Yeah, sure.
- Right this way.
Hey, buddy!
Ah, Jesus Christ!
That's tequila!
I was doubles partners
with Andre Agassi for an entire week.
I'm the one who taught 'Dre
to play Cocks and Quarters.
If you can believe it,
he'd never played Cocks and Quarters.
Wow. That's interesting.
- Yeah, it's... Well, it's...
- Hey, snow bunny!
- Give me a Drambuie, neat.
- You got it.
Well, all alone, huh? Well, don't worry.
"No woman, no cry," right, mon?
Actually, I was quite engaged
until you bullied your way in here.
Yeah, I heard you. Something about, uh,
Cocks and Quarters?
You know, we have that game in the States
too, except we call it Hide the Sausage.
I beg your pardon? Excuse me,
new fellow, please cut off this minor.
Oh, come on! If there's grass
on the field, then play ball.
Right, guv'nor?
Hey, Sammy, hit me!
Mmm!
Gracias, Sheriff.
Legalize it!
[Man Over P.A.] Hey, late night fun
at the campfire in one hour.
- And don't forget your condoms.
- Tequila! Who wants some?
Hey, what, are you dancing alone?
Hey, sweetie. Come here.
- [Gasps]
- Hi!
Whoo! I now pronounce you
Mr. And Mrs. Funzy!
You owe me one, bro.
Uh, may I kiss the bride?
- Um... do you work here?
- I do.
I'm Juan Castillo.
I am dive master.
Like, cliffs, or-or...
Cliffs, rocks, boards.
Whatever you wish.
Oh, that is a beautiful name.
"Peenalop."
Peenalop.
It's breathtaking.
Um, thank you.
So, tell me, what brings you
here to us, Peenalop?
Oh, oh. I'm on spring break.
I go to Oral Roberts.
Oral Roberts?
Is that anything like an Anal Johnson?
'Cause, well,
I've done that a few times.
Or am I thinking of a Dirty Sanchez?
That's the one.
- I don't know what that is.
- Uh... it's not for you.
- [Gasps] Oh, my God!
- Ah, yes.
A very magical place.
- Hey.
- Hey, Carlos.
Make it quick.
We got a lot of dishes.
[Clattering]
Goddamn monkeys.
[Muttering In Spanish]
- [Twig Snaps]
- [Gasps] You?
Carlos, these knives are filthy.
When are you gonna clean 'em?
Manana.
[Sighs]
- [Spanish]
- [Clattering]
[Gasps]
- [Screaming]
- [Coconut Pete]
One, two! One, two, three, four!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo-hoo!
- All right!
- Solid.
Play "Margaritaville."
[Applause Stops]
Excuse me?
Play "Margaritaville."
I love that song.
Darlin', I think youre referrin'
to my song "Pina Coladaburg."
No, "Margaritaville. '
[Chuckles]
I think you mean "Pina Coladaburg."
A little song I wrote
seven and a half fucking years...
before "Margaritaville"
was even on the map!
Of course,
you wouldn't know that 'cause...
you weren't even born yet!
- [Mock Laughter]
- Come on, hog shell. Let's get us a drink.
- I don't need this shit.
- Come on, man.
Fuck that guy!
Son of a son of a bitch!
Mother motherfucker!
- ## [Dance]
- Hey, Jenny.
[Moaning]
- [Laughs] God!
- Sorry.
Give me a heads-up
before you do that.
It's just a habit. I could see
how tight you were from a mile away.
What can I say?
Some girls are just tighter than others.
- [Chuckles]
- Sorry.
Uh... So, uh, I guess
I'm talkin' to a celebrity.
Congratulations.
I heard you got your own fitness show?
Uh, yeah. Amy Aerobics
accidentally ate some rat poison.
It was awful.
But I'm still really psyched.
I've been waiting a long time for this.
- That's great.
- Hey, Jen.
I will be glad to never
have to do this again.
Yeah, it must be tough
living in paradise.
Oh, yeah.
You love it now, but just wait.
# Crab legs, crab legs
Rah, rah, rah #
Hey, you guys ever hear the story
of the Machete Maniac?
[All]
Ooh!
[Chuckles]
Let's hear it.
Yeah, I don't know.
It's probably too scary for you guys.
- No. No, it's not.
- No, come on, Dave.
Please, tell us the story.
All right, what the hell.
This must've been, like,
We had a kid working at the club
named Phil Coletti.
And one night...
it was a night a lot like tonight...
this gorgeous woman comes
into the club, asks him if he
wants to go out to the jungle.
He's like, "Yeah. Why not?"
So they split. And as they started
getting out to the jungle...
further and further away
from the lights of the club...
she starts asking him
these questions, like...
does he believe
in the local legends of the island...
voodoo, zombies.
He's not too worried about it.
He just rolls right over,
starts putting the screws to her.
But something doesn't
feel right to Coletti.
But he can't see shit. It's pitch black,
so he just keeps bangin' away.
But then, boom!
A flash of lightning lights up the
whole island, and in that one moment...
Coletti looks around and sees
not only is he out in the middle
of that old Mayan cemetery...
not only are all the other guys from
the resort standing around watching him...
but he sees that
he's having sex with a corpse.
A cold, white...
- dirty-from-the-grave dead body.
- [Girl Groans]
And they say...
Phil Coletti calmly walked
to the groundskeeper's shack...
found a machete...
and chopped those staff members
into a hundred pieces.
And they say
he took that same machete...
chopped his own dick off
and ran screaming into the jungle.
Nobody ever saw him after that.
But from that point on...
Phil Coletti was forever known...
as Machete Phil.
Are you telling me there's some
totally deranged, dickless dude
running around out there?
All I 'm saying is I don't
go into the jungle alone if I can help it.
'Cause you can hear him,
and I've heard him...
crying out...
"Where's my penis?
Where's my penis?
Where's my penis?"
- And that boy was me!
- [Screaming, Laughing]
You're an asshole,
Putman.
- Anybody get laid tonight?
- Hey, Pete.
- I know I did.
- [Laughter]
Say, anybody seen
Rolo, Stacy or Kelly?
They're probably off screwing around
in the jungle somewhere.
Well, shit. I'm gonna need somebody
to run Luau Night tomorrow.
Uh, yeah, sure.
I'll run Luau Night.
What, cut up a couple
of pineapples, whatever.
- Yeah, great.
Sam, will you run Luau Night?
- Sure. Can do.
We'll get some grass mini-skirts,
maybe have a poi-eating contest...
and, uh, everyone'll get laid.
- [Hooting, Laughing]
- Sounds great. People, please.
Is it too much to ask?
Have sex with the guests.
- Some of em aren't bad-looking.
- [Laughter]
Hola, Peenalop!
[Alarm Blaring]
[Panting, Gasping]
- [Women Laughing]
- [Alarm Stops]
Change!
[Alarm Resumes]
- All right, 200 points. 200 points.
- Oh, good Christ!
Oh, you're dead, fucker!
You little yellow prick!
You're fucked!
[Grunts]
- Ohh!
- 500 points!
- Fuckin' worked!
- A simple tag would have sufficed.
Eat it, fuck-nut!
[Laughs]
- Cue Pretzel.
- [Alarm Continues]
Where's Pretzel?
Come on. Cue Pretzel.
Cue Pretzel. Pretzel... Ah.
Pretzel!
Hey, Pretzel!
Get your twisted, salty ass out here.
- Hey!
- [Panting, Moaning]
[Moaning Continues]
Ocupado, bro. Go!
- [Mouthing Words]
- [Moaning Continues]
Sorry, Cliff.
I need you in the maze.
- I'm on break.
- Be happy in your work, Pear.
Shit.
[Moaning Continues Loudly]
Eh, yeah.
Hey, look, I salty, yeah?
- Wait. What's your name?
- Listen, mami,
I call you later, all right?
- Bye.
- [Laughing]
- [Screams]
- [Gasps] Shit!
- [Mutters]
- [Woman] I got you!
Whoa!
[Panting]
Huh?
[Groaning]
[Chattering, Laughing]
## [Reggae]
- [Sword Unsheathes]
- Hello?
Hello?
[Yells]
[Chanting]
- Lars?
- Huh?
Oh. Sorry.
I was just in the middle of my Qi Kung.
Wow. Qi Kung?
[Karate Yell]
- Whoa!
- I should have you on my show.
- I guess you're not
just into massage, are you?
- Yeah, well...
I mean, bodywork's still my life,
but I've also done the Dianetic thing.
Spent a little time in the Forum.
Did a little Falun Gong in Bang Chow.
- But you knowhows got
a great philosophy?
- Who?
Coconut Pete.
Have a good time all the time.
- [Together] Always eat the worm.
- Totally.
- Sign our asses! Sign our asses!
- Sign our asses!
- What do you know about Feng Chi?
- Um, nothing.
- Snoring Panda.
- [Snoring]
Not to be confused
with Linou Gano...
- the Leaking Turtle.
- Oh, my God!
- Don't try that in public.
- Dude!
Hey, guys, I'm gonna
send you back over there.
- You'll get plenty
of signatures, all right?
- Come on, hop.
Go ahead.
[Chuckles]
- Come on, hop!
- [Jenny] That's amazing.
It's all really about
connecting your meridians.
We all have energy that flows through
us, and it's all connected by buttons.
So, what other buttons
can you push?
Tian-Tu.
- [Moans]
- The Heaven Point.
[Moaning]
Fuck me!
Damn!
[Giggles]
Maybe I should
take you home with me.
I don't know if
I'd fit in your luggage. Oh, shit!
What the...
Oh, my God!
- Carlos?
- What's he doin' up in the air?
- It's gonna be okay, dude.
- I'm not getting a pulse.
[Jenny]
"Naughty Carlos"?
[Boat Departing]
Who's driving the boat?
You really never played
this game as a kid?
We had a cheap
Nicaraguan version called Circle Eater.
- But, you know...
- [Whimpering]
Are you trying to tell us something, boy?
Is Timmy trapped in a well?
Come on!
- You must come quick!
- Follow the banana!
- [Whistle Blowing]
- # Follow the banana, follow the banana #
- # Follow the banana #
- Oh!
[Juan]
Oh, man!
Cliff!
[Dave]
Oh!
["Game Over Sound]
[Jenny]
Who would do something like this?
I mean, who the fuck would wanna
come here and do something like this?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Come on. Settle down, now.
- You're makin' a scene.
- There's a bloody killer on the island.
I know who it is. It's Machete Phil,
come out from the jungle.
Cool it, Juanny. You know that's
just a bullshit story for the guests.
Hey, it looks like
everybody else is okay.
But you gotta see what
someone did to my activities board.
- [All Gasping]
- Oh, my God!
[Chattering]
[Dave Reading]
"Do your jobs and live.
Tell the guests and die"?
"'Cause everybody's looking
to find their own paradise."'
[Coconut Pete]
What the hell does that mean?
- We have to get off the island.
- We have to get everyone off the island.
[Gasps]
Ahh! Okay.
Okay, the radio's smashed,
and we got no boats.
- No boats?
- How could somebody steal both boats?
I don't know. L...
I mean, the Smilin' Smuggler...
Looked like it was
just driving around on its own.
- What? On its own?
- And that phone line
had definitely been cut?
It sure as shit was not
chewed up by jungle rats.
- We have jungle rats?
- Okay, what are we gonna tell the guests?
- Nothing. I mean, you saw the board.
- He's right.
We tell the guests there's some crazed
maniac on the island with no way off?
We're gonna have a hundred
crazed maniacs running around.
What about the sign on Cliff?
I mean, it clearly said, "staff only."
I mean, that means
he's targeting us.
- [Overlapping Chatter]
- I don't understand.
Why are they coming after us?
- [Slurping]
- [Chatter Stops]
Ahhh.
When you're all done with your little
pink panty meltdown let me know...
'cause I'd like to
get down to business.
I thought it was time
to bring in the pro.
- Hank?
- Yes, Hank.
- The head of security on all my tours.
- So, what?
He keeps aging hippies from stealing
the bong out of your tour bus?
It just so happens
Hank used to be a federal agent.
Yeah, that's right. Headed
an F.B.I. Task force on serial killers.
Single-handedly caught
the Minneapolis Mangler.
- Who's the Minneapolis Mangler?
- Exactly.
Pete, you are aware that
I personally have served this guy...
twenty beers a day
for the last 10 years, right?
Hey, I was in Nicaragua, junior!
When you can stuff
your intestines back in your pockets...
and walk 20 clicks to an aid station...
after a knife fight with guerrilla
drug lords, then you talk to me.
All right, since there's
no way off this rock...
- we're gonna have to catch this guy.
- [Putnam] Catch him?
We couldn't even catch the bloody
raccoon that was stealing
my wristbands last month.
You didn't ask me to catch
the raccoon, did you, Pip?
All right, now here's the plan.
You're gonna give this wing nut
exactly what he wants.
- You're all gonna do your jobs.
- All right, then tell us something.
How the hell are we
supposed to do our job...
when somebody is killing the dick
out of everybody on the island?
- [Voices Overlapping]
- Take it easy there, menstrual cramp.
You read the poem
on that board out there.
I seen this a million times.
This guy's playing a game,
and we're gonna play right back.
Just keep cool,
and this cat'll come to us.
And when he does,
I promise you...
I'll be there
with my whompin' stick.
[Chuckling]
## [Man Singing, Indistinct]
Come on, hit it!
Hit it!
Definitely not this guy.
Maybe. Maybe not.
What in the queen's wig
is going on here?
We've got a killer on the loose, and
you're throwing a bloody pinata party.
The cut on that pear kid
was left to right.
Left to right! I'm looking
for the left-handed killer, you idiot!
Oh. I see.
This is totally fucked up.
I don't even know what I'm looking for.
[Chuckles]
I don't even know what I'm doing here.
Hey, you know, I've been thinking
about that poem on the board.
There's something
really familiar about those words.
I just can't seem to
wrap my fingers around it.
- Can you wrap your fingers around this?
- Whoa!
##[Continues]
- Hi, Juan.
- Hi. Uh...
- Hi. How are you?
- Good. I made you a hat.
Oh. L-I don't know what to say.
Well, say "thank you" and put it on.
All right, all right.
Thank you. L-I love it.
You wanna take a walk on the beach?
[Chuckles]
Eh...
You know,
it's the same here as it is down there.
You know, um, the sand and water here,
the sand and water...
[Yells]
I heard you were being
very bad today, Juan.
What you mean?
When you were
supposed to be in the maze...
you were eating watermelon.
- How you find out about that?
- Because I see everything, Juan.
[Both Moaning]
Hey, you-you know...
you know what? You know what?
I think it's a good idea if we were
to go down the beach a little more far.
- Huh? The two of us.
- Okay.
Oh, you know, I forgot.
I'm supposed
to go make S'mores.
- We checked every guest cabana.
- No weapons? No bloody clothes?
Just pornography and
an ass-load of condoms.
The guy in 14
had a wooden Bible.
A wooden Bible, huh?
That's good.
That's a good job.
All right now, Jenny.
You go check on Yu. She's freakin' out.
New meat, you take over here.
Okay? Break!
Okay? Break!
- You'll be all right?
- Yeah.
Sure.
- Shite. Shite. Not her best.
- ## [Dance]
Hello, Pete.
"Hope They've Got Hammocks
in Heaven."
Great.
And again, Peter.
You dirty bugger.
What's this?
Jesus, this is crazy!
We can't do this anymore!
Quiet, Yu.
The guests will hear.
Jenny, we cannot act like
there's nothing wrong, okay?
There are guests everywhere.
We have to tell them.
No! You saw that board.
## [Continues]
## [Monkey Yell]
[Roy]
So I said it's totally tea bag season.
[Manny]
Dude, shut up, gay-rod. Give me a light.
Hey, guys, I 'm gonna need you
back at the bonfire. We're
gonna make an announcement.
Oh, good, 'cause I got
an announcement to make to Roy.
- I'm totally bake-ached.
- Come on!
- Idiots.
- [Chattering Continues]
- [Twigs Snapping]
- Hey, come to the beach.
We're gonna make
an announcement.
[Whimpers, Screams]
Help!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
[Screaming]
Help!
[Screams]
There's always one fuck-head like you...
trying to shit in the apple pie.
You just shat in the one apple pie
that knows how to shit back.
So why don't, uh, you and me,
let's just...
[Screaming]
- [Gasping]
- Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
Shit!
Shit!
[Screams]
## [Dance]
Amy's got some fantastic advice for
everybody this morning, haven't you, Amy?
[Jenny On TV] Here are humans,
here is God, and here are we.
You're the girl, Ame!
Shoulders down.
- How are we looking, Dr. Wick?
- You're looking fantastic, Amy.
Looking fantastic.
This is one of the top five cardio...
- [TV Shuts Off]
- [Boat Engine Running, Distant]
[Twigs Snapping]
Let's do the sun salute!
Let's do the sun salute!
Crab, crab, crab.
Shot. Throw it away. Salute.
Crab, crab, crab.
Shot. Throw it away. Salute.
Hey, let's dance.
It's easier when you're smiling.
- I heard one of our ski boats last night.
- Holy shit! That's great!
- I only heard it for a second, but...
- So what do we do?
If it is one of ours, this guy's got it.
It's probably not a real good idea...
to go lookin' for it unless you
want to get your dingy chopped off.
- What?
- [Blowing Shell]
Hey, I figured it out. I know where
those lines on the board came from.
You know that line, "Everyone's
looking to find their own paradise"?
- That's from one of your songs.
- What the fuck you talkin' about?
One of my songs?
Yeah, it's off your album
"Sea Shanties and Wet Panties."
- 1978?
- Let's see those pinchers, people!
What does this song
have to do with all this?
The name of the song
is "Naughty Cal."
- Naughty Cliff. Naughty Carlos.
- [All] Naughty Cal!
# Naughty Cal, Bongo and Tokey #
# Got tired of livin' on land #
# So the three amigos
took an undersea trip #
- # And never were seen again#
- [Bong Water Bubbling]
# Bongo, the stoned crab
got high as a kite #
- # And fell and cracked his shell #
- Shit.
That's the line that was
on the board yesterday.
I didn't know
where it was from.
How do you not know
the words to your own song?
I don't even remember
making the album, okay?
Shit, it was '78.
We were all out of our gourds.
It was kind of a crazy time in 1978.
Oh, man, we had
some fuckin' parties.
# Bongo the stoned crab
got high as a kite #
# And fell and cracked his shell#
# Tokey was lost in a maze all night#
- ## [Continues]
- "High as a kite"?
"He fell and cracked his shell"?
That's like Carlos up in the parasail.
Then "lost in a maze,"
exactly like Cliff.
So this guy is killing people
according to a fucking acid trip song?
- This is insane!
- [Putman] Peter.
What's the song about? I s there
some sort of special significance?
Fuck no. I mean, uh,
I don't know.
It's a sea shanty. Naughty Cal's
this, uh, underwater cowboy...
and Tokey and Bongo
are his buddies.
And they go on this adventure
to find, uh, Atlantis or some shit.
- L-l-l...
- Let's listen to the next line
and see what happens.
# La-la-la-la
Lala-la-la-la, lalala-la-la #
Maybe if I play it backwards.
# La-la-la-la, lala-la-la, la-la-la-la #
- # Mango Bay #
- Wait, listen. Listen.
# But a big bad orca
and a scary octopus #
# Were guarding the riverbed#
- ## [Continues]
- So, what the hell?
The orca and the octopus?
I mean, is it
the next victims, or is it the killer?
Our lives depend on us interpreting
the dumbest fucking song I've ever heard.
Please, don't hold back.
Just say what you really think.
I'm not sensitive.
You know, I won about five fucking
gold records in my lifetime.
H-How many gold records
do you have?
- Let's see how it ends.
- # I guess it seems #
# That everybody's lookin'#
# To find their own paradise #
# But it ain't on Earth
It's up there in heaven #
# And someday we're all gonna die ##
- [Laughing Wildly]
- Jesus.
Pete!
Yu and Hank are dead.
- Why? What did we do?
- No, man.
Yu and Hank are fucking dead.
You threatening me? 'Cause if you are,
you little hairless lap dog...
Ay, puta!
Just come and look!
[All Gasp]
[Putman Reading]
"Don't let this be Yu."
She was just trying
to warn the guests.
- [Sobbing]
- Hank!
[Insects Buzzing]
Yu?
[Crowd Booing]
Why are we doing
a goddamn fashion show?
Because it's goddamn
Fashion Show Wednesday, that's why!
Look what happened to Yu! Remember
the warning: "Do your jobs or die"?
So we're just gonna put
little smiles on our faces...
and march out there
and do our goddamn jobs.
- You got that? Lars, you're up.
Come on. Let's go.
- You got it, Pete.
[Cheering]
Lars Brunckhorst, everybody.
Lars is sporting
the Pleasure Poncho.
Only 19.95 at the gift shop.
Thank you, Lars.
[Sam] I'm tellin' ya, I got a bad
feeling about that new guy.
You are right. It all started
when he got here, didn't it?
- Sam, it isn't Lars or any of us.
- Look, Jenny.
- I know why youre defending him.
- Pajamas! Come on! Move!
- Putman, pillow.
- Putman Livingston, I presume.
Oh, if it isn't
Little Lord Fauntleroy!
Pip, pip! Tallyho!
I got it. In that song...
Naughty Cal sings
about the scary octopus.
Look at Putman!
Putman is the octopus.
- Hello?
- Dave, just go play with
the curtains or something.
No, no, no. We can't dismiss
that song. What about Carlos and Cliff?
What about the fact that
Hank was buried in the sand like
the buried treasure in the song?
All right,
so maybe the octopus...
is the way
the next person dies?
How do you kill someone
with an octopus?
Octopus spelled backward is "supotco."
Juan, isn't that Spanish for something?
"Supotco"? No.
The word for shoe is zapato.
- Hmm. Shoe.
- Am I the only one who thinks
his head looks like an octopus?
- Shh, shh, shh. Here he comes.
- What did I miss?
- Apparently, somebody's gonna
get killed by a shoe.
- Hmm.
Okay, you guys, instead of
focusing on the song, why don't
we go look for those boats?
- Good idea.
- Jenny, why don't you and I
go search together?
- Um...
- Putman.
- Why dont you and I
go and look for that boat?
- Are you daft?
I'm not going out in the jungle
with you and your bloody shiatsu.
If you're the killer,
you'll snap my neck like a twig.
All right, stick to the shore.
There's no reason to go in the jungle.
The boats are probably
gonna be covered with sticks.
Or branches.
Thanks much, officer.
Aren't you taking any weapons?
- I have all the weapons I need.
- [Scoffs]
Piss on that.
I'm taking a machete.
Thanks for doing this,
Lars.
You're very brave.
Just be careful, all right?
Good luck, Putman.
Better believe I'll be keeping
an eye on you, Mr. Miyagi.
[Chopping]
I know you guys are probably
a little intimidated by
cooking for the whole resort...
but I think youre gonna get
a big kick out of it, okay?
- [Insect Buzzing]
- I bet you watched Yu and Kelly.
And most of it's just common sense.
Like right now...
I'm making my famous
Coconut Pete's Paella.
Can anyone guess
the secret ingredient?
Come on.
Coconut Pete's Paella?
The secret ingredient?
- Coconut... Pete's...
- Eh...
- Coconut?
- Yes, goddamn it! Yes!
Yes!
[Yells]
Jesus! You think Eddie Money
has to put up with this shit?
- [Chopping]
- [Yelling, Indistinct]
Goddamn it!
Coconut Pete's Paella!
Jesus Christ.
What you think?
I think Pete's under
a lot of pressure.
I don't think
we can say for sure. God, I don't know.
- What are you doing?
- Uh, you know.
Just, uh, hanging around,
uh, looking through the window.
Calamari?
- Uh...
- It's an aphrodisiac, Juan.
[Chuckles]
- Oh. Oh!
- What's wrong?
You're not afraid of
a little octopus, are you?
[Muffled]
Thank you.
When you're done here...
I want you to come inside
and find me...
'cause I wanna
wrap my little tentacles around you.
[Chuckles]
Okay.
- [Spits Food Out]
- No way.
Think about it, the octopus.
Look, she's a weird little chick,
I'll give you that.
But, look, it still
doesn't prove that she's the killer.
All right. There is only
one way to find out.
## [Romantic Latin]
- Don't be nervous.
- [Chuckles]
Eh, I just want our first time
to be wonderful.
[Penelope Chuckles]
So I would say that
if youre the killer...
just, you know,
just maybe don't kill me.
Or at least make it,
you know, painless.
With those moves of yours, I bet
you could put me down nice and easy.
- Just, zip, and I'm out, right?
- Look.
The whole reason we're hiding
in this closet is because
we think she's the killer.
- Oh.
- [Penelope] I'm gonna bite you.
- [Juan] Well, not too hard, I hope.
- I really like Juan.
I remember when we first met, I was
kinda like, "Who the fuck is this guy?
Some local guy
comin' down here and..."
[Grunting]
- Mmm.
- [Neck Bones Cracking]
[Knuckles Cracking]
- I haven't been entirely honest with you.
- You mean...
you don't really go
to the Oral Roberts?
Aah!
[Sighs]
I mean...
I just wanted to leave
my past behind me when I came here.
What the fuck are you,
a praying mantis woman?
- [Yells]
- L...
I've never been
to a place like this.
I mean, it's just so free.
Juan, I have spent
my whole life in a gym.
I just wanted to party
like everyone else.
My coach, Orgrav,
would kill me if he found out.
He would hunt me down
like a deranged lunatic.
- He's really scary some...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- You are a gymnast?
- Yeah.
Oh!
Gracias.
- [Penelope Moaning Loudly]
- [Juan Shouting In Spanish]
[Juan]
No tushie! No! No!
[Both Moaning Loudly]
[Juan Moaning Loudly]
- [Penelope Screams]
- [Glass Shatters]
I 'I I be right back.
[Moans]
Okay.
Eh, I 'm still not sure.
I may need a few more hours
to pump her for information.
You asshole!
Now you're just trying to get laid.
How would you like to be stuffed in this
closet while I go out there and have sex?
- That is a great idea.
- [Toilet Flushes]
Shh! Here she comes!
What exactly
are your intentions with Jenny?
You know, Put...
during the Sung Dynasty, there was
a great mystic... Master Tsu Tong Po.
And he once said
something very wise:
"If you love something, set it free.
- If it comes back to you..."
- Fuck off.
It's a bloody Hallmark card.
Just trying to help you, man.
Well, she has taken
quite a fancy to you, hasn't she?
But I have some...
ammunition of my own.
What kind of man would I be if I sat
idly by while you stole her from me?
Do not underestimate me, Lars.
I know things you don't.
All right, Lars,
let's see what you got.
- [Whispering] Look what I found.
- [Gasps]
- Wow.
- Yeah. Shiny.
[Creaking]
Hey.
[Dave]
Oh! I knew it.
Oh, sick fuck.
Dear God in heaven.
[Snoring]
[Putman]
Lars?
[Sword Unsheathes]
Oh, dear God!
[Whimpering]
- [Whimpering Continues]
- [Snarling]
[Grunts, Whimpers]
No!
- No!
- [Squishing Sound]
- [Grunts]
- Huh?
- [Twig Snaps]
- [Gasps]
- You!
- That's right, love.
Now take that stupid bag
off your head and give us a kiss.
- What?
- Advantage, Putman.
Hey...
[Moans]
- [Moaning Continues]
- [Lars] Putman!
- [Babbling]
- Putman!
Putman! Wake up, Putman.
It's a dream! It's just a dream, Putman.
[Gasping]
##[Reggae]
Farewell.
[Laughing, Chattering]
[Dave] Keep it clean,
keep it clean, huh, mister?
That's a point!
That's a point!
Mira! The boat!
[Grunts]
- Whoo!
- Ay Mami! He found the fucking boat!
[Jenny]
Whoo!
Hang on to your kudos.
- Oh!
- She's not going anywhere.
- What did you do to the propeller, man?
- I didn't do anything.
This is the one
that was pulling Carlos.
Well, we could send a group
to paddle out to the mainland.
- We've got plenty of strong guys.
- No chance.
The riptide'll take you out to sea.
[Chuckles]
You'll be drinking your own urine
in less than 20 hours.
- Where's Putman?
- He's not here?
He left last night.
He ran off into the jungle.
- Oh, by "ran off"
do you mean "got killed by you"?
- Ah!
What, did you really think we
wouldn't notice Putman was gone
if you came back with a boat?
- Sam, that's ridiculous.
- Why is that ridiculous?
Hey, look. Putman freaked out
in the middle of the night
and took off into the jungle.
Look, we went into your room
last night, Lars.
Mark David Chapman over here
has a shrine to Pete.
- It's unbelievable!
- So I'm a fan.
A fan?
Man, you're a fucking loon!
Look, nobody here
was killed last night...
because Lars
was in the jungle killing Putman.
Hey, look. I could never hurt
another person, okay?
- I don't believe in violence.
- Mm-hmm.
I touch other people
to make them feel better.
Come on. I have an obligation
to get to the bottom of that...
Come on. I have an obligation
to get to the bottom of that...
- Ay! You are the fucking Fun Police!
- Juan!
- What the hell...
- Come on, take it easy!
Quit your bickering!
Now, we just get through one more night,
the boat will be here tomorrow.
Well be all right. So, come on,
everybody, lets just have a drink...
- and... mellow out.
- I don't want to mellow out, Pete!
I want to know what Lars's deal
is, huh? You come here and
everyone starts getting killed.
Hey, I don't have to tell you shit,
Fun Pig! You wanna Fun arrest me?
You get a Fun-fucking warrant!
Until then...
stay out of my
Fun-fucking face!
Come on!
Jenny, you know
I'm not the killer, right?
Look, Lars,
it's not so bad in here, okay?
- I'll bring you some magazine.
- Yeah.
You familiar
with the expression "sitting duck"?
No.
- You guys, this is totally fucked up.
- Look, Jenny...
if hes the killer,
then we have him in this room.
And if not,
then at least we know it's not him.
[Bird Squawking]
Did it stink?
You bet it stunk.
Oh, shit!
[Laughs]
- Hey, you guys gonna be
hanging around for a while?
- Totally.
We're just getting started.
Anyway, that's my mom for you.
[Laughs]
Any of you guys
have a mother?
Free drinks,
whoever catches me!
- Whoo-hoo!
- [Laughing, Chattering]
- [Water Splashing]
- [Gasps]
Shit.
Oh, God!
[Whimpers, Groans]
[Muffled Scream]
[Snickers]
Your prayers have been answered.
- You asshole!
- Nah, I'm not an asshole.
I'm just young, dumb and full...
What the fuck?
- What?
- Something just brushed
against my leg. What the...
No, there's seriously
something down here.
- What?
- Oh, no, wait!
It's just my gigantic cock.
[Snickers]
[Man On TV]Amy's got
some fantastic advice for everybody.
- Oh, my God.
- So, you want to get it on?
Dirk, get outta the pool!
- Huh?
- I'm not kidding!
- [Jenny] Hurry!
- Hey, that's what I call service!
- Now! Get outta the pool!
- [Gasps]
- [Dirk Yelling]
- [Jenny Screaming]
- [Dirk Screaming]
- [Shrieking]
[Electrical Breakers Banging]
Hey, help me!
[Screams]
Putman! You're alive!
- [Panting, Sobbing]
- You've got your arms around me, Jenny.
I can only assume this means
every other man on the island is dead.
We got to get outta here! Dirk's dead!
He just got electrocuted in the pool!
Really? What was the look on his face?
He must have screamed bloody murder.
[Quivering]
You're scaring me.
I just want to know if smoke
came out of his ears. Is that so wrong?
- [Shudders, Screams]
- Hey! Oh! Putman, where have you been?
Running in circles through
this bloody jungle, that's where.
Thank God you're not dead. Now,
we need to get over to Pete's cabana...
- and get that auxiliary generator.
- Wait, hang on!
If Dirk just got killed,
then Lars couldn't be the killer!
All right now, be on guard.
He might be a little cranky.
Lars! Lars, we're here!
Oh, do give it a rest, Jen.
[Jenny]
He couldn't have.
He's far too large.
We gotta find Pete.
- [Sam] Pete!
- [Creaking]
Pete?
Pete?
You in here, Pete?
Peter! We need the key
to the generator box.
- [Banging]
- [All Gasp]
[Rattling]
[Rattling Continues]
- [Crashing]
- [Yelling, Squealing]
- Damn it!
- Isn't somebody going to get
the fuckin' door?
[Rattling]
- Who's there?
- Who's out there?
- [All Gasp]
- Hey!
I think there's a problem with the lights!
[Zooming Sounds]
- Right?
- [Disgusted Sigh]
All right,
Lars will probably come after us here.
We don't know for sure
that it is Lars.
And we don't know if he got out
or if someone else got in.
What is it with you and Lars?
I'm beginning to wonder
if you aren't in cahoots!
I mean, let's see.
You had sex with Rolo, and he's dead.
You and Cliff, right?
He's dead.
Give me a break. I screwed Juan
and Pete, and those guys aren't dead.
Bloody hell, Jen!
Am I the only one?
All right, let's get back to the case.
What we have to do...
Why dont you drop
the bullshit cop routine, okay, Sam?
Oh, just as soon as you drop the "I've
got nothing to hide" routine, Juan.
Let me guess. You were in here
looking for this letter from
the Encarnacion prison facility?
- What the fuck, man?
- Fuck, why you are doing this, man?
"Juan shows no signs
of the bizarre and horrible behavior...
"that brought him to this institution.
"We believe him to be
fully rehabilitated...
and will be an excellent
addition to your staff."
- What did you do, Juan?
- I did nothing, Jenny.
What the fuck did you do, man?
Costa Rican prison...
that's some hard-core anal action, man.
- Juan, we have to know.
- What did you do, Juan?
- What did you do, Juan?
- [Dave] What the fuck
did you do, man, huh?
- [Putman] What did you do?
- Tell us!
- I did nothing! Huh?
- [Screaming]
- [Juan] El Chupacabra!
- [Jenny] Hey!
- [Juan] No!
- [Sobs]
- [Juan] Oh! Oh, my God!
[Exclaims In Spanish]
- How could you do that?
- Wait, wait!
I did not do this. I'm not a killer.
I did not do this. I'm not a killer.
What the fuck, man?
Then, what is this?
You want to know what I did?
Huh?
You all want to know what I did?
Juan Castillo...
went to jail...
for having sex with a goat.
All right?
What you want me to say?
We lived on a farm!
And I got lonely!
[Sobbing]
We were...
Oh, we were just
a couple of stupid kids.
No, it wasnt Juan.
It was Dave...
wasn't it?
You hated him
for what he did to your parents.
You see,
what none of us did know...
indeed,
what none of us could know...
was that David's parents...
were trampled to death
at a Coconut Pete concert.
What the hell's
wrong with you, Putman?
Everyone knows Dave's parents
got killed at a Pete show.
- [Mouths Words]
- Yeah, way to bring up a sore subject.
- What? L... What?
- [Dave] You think
I could have killed him?
He's my Uncle Petey.
You all saw him as...
a mellow island songster...
and a resort owner, but...
how many of you knew that he...
he was afraid of dogs...
and that his favorite spice
was rosemary?
How many of you knew that...
he was uncircumcised
and smelled of oranges? [Sniffs]
Yes, that's all
well and good, David.
But Ill bet hind to horses...
that you inherit the island.
- The island is already mine.
- What?
Pete signed it over to me last week.
He was going back on the...
on the road where he belonged.
He was forming a super group...
Billy Squier and Eddie Money!
Don Henley was gonna play drums!
Fuck, that would've been tight! Fuck.
He was gonna sell the island
to the navy for test bombing.
But I told him l-I could handle
the responsibility.
- [Bead Curtain Rustling]
- Lars.
No! No!
Pete.
[Convulsive Sobs]
Oh, my God! Pete!
[Sobbing Continues]
- [Retches]
- [Clapping]
Bravo, Lars, bravo.
Very convincing.
Very convincing.
- You fucker!
- Lars! No, stop it! No!
[Overlapping Shouts]
- Stop it!
- Hold it, hold it!
- Let's lock him up again.
- No! No! Stop it!
Stop it!
We're not locking anybody up!
We're all gonna stay together,
in one room!
Look, the boat
will be here tomorrow.
We'll go to the club,
gather all the guests...
and wait until the morning,
and we're going to do this together.
And we're gonna make it
through the night, okay?
Screw this, man!
I'm not going anywhere with Lars.
[Laughs]
Well, I'm not going anywhere with Juan.
- [Dave] Ooh!
- What kind of a man has sex with a goat?
- Hey, I used a condom.
- Oh.
You told me
they were against your religion.
[Chuckles]
Ehhh, you know, I need to find Peenalop.
- I am sure you all understand.
- [Indignant Scoff]
You come anywhere near
my cabana, I'm taking your head off!
Let's get outta here, Dave. Come on,
Dave, let's get outta here, man.
I don't think so.
[Chuckles]
[Crazed Laughing]
- Jenny, you're making
a most grievous mistake.
- [Laughter Fading]
I'm still not sure what happened...
with all that dodgy business
back in the jungle.
But I'm plagued by the dreams.
I believe I'm safer on my own.
- Well, that plan went to hell.
- [Sighs]
[Lars] Well, at least
they left us a torch. [Laughs]
Jenny? Jenny?
[Chuckles]
I believe I know where the generator is.
- [Clicks]
- [Turntables Whirring]
## [Hip-hop]
[Cackling]
Damn it!
He must have taken my swords.
I don't care if I have to carve a spear
out of bamboo, this asshole's...
- Shh, shh, listen.
- No, I'm not gonna shush!
- I'm so sick of running from this...
- ## [Continues]
I thought
we didn't have any power.
- [Distorted]# Naughty Cal#
- Dave?
- # Bongo and Tokey
got tired of livin'on land#
- Dave. Dave?
# So the three amigos
took an undersea trip #
# Never were seen... #
[Jenny] God!
- [Screaming]
- [Phono Needle Scratching]
- It's me! It's me! It's me!
[Record Repeating]
# Die, we're all gonna die #
- # We're all gonna die #
- Holy shit!
Oh, my God!
The lock's broken!
[Gasps]
Oh, my God! He's out there.
Quick, under the bed,
hurry. Come on!
- Go, go! Hurry!
- You'll never fit.
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- [Whimpering]
- [Grunts]
- Come on!
- Hurry! Come on!
- [Grunting Continues]
What are you doing?
Lars, what are you doing? Hurry!
- [Chanting]
- Lars, please!
- Come on!
- [Chanting Continues]
- Lars, come on! He's coming!
- [Abdomen Squishing]
- Oh, my God!
- [Chanting Quickens]
- He's coming!
- [Rapid Chanting Continues]
[Chanting, Grunts]
- Whew!
- Holy shit!
Is that how you escaped
out of that window?
Why dont you
just do that all the time?
Is that a fat joke?
What the hell?
- What the hell, Jenny?
- [Banging]
[Gasps, Shuddering]
[Grunting]
Putman! It was you?
- What? What was me?
- Step back, Putman!
Oh, you actually believe that
I'm the killer. Oh, that's a laugh.
Then what are you doing here?
Well, l just popped by to say...
- Uh...
- You perv.
Really, Jenny, there's a
perfectly reasonable explanation
for all this. I mean...
Well, you see, it seemed like
such a good final memento and...
Well, I... You know how good I think
you look in red, and that little...
- No!
- Oh, dear God! Oh, dear God!
- Where's the key?
- I don't know.
Lock the door!
Lock the door!
[Gasps]
The lock's broken!
Broken?
You've manacled me to my deathbed,
you Piccadilly whore!
- I'm so sorry.
- I could never stay mad at you, Jenny.
Quickly!
Give me the racket! Give me the balls!
- [Lars] Go! Go! Yeah!
- Quickly! Run!
[Jenny]
Get out!
- [Whimpering]
- [Clanging]
Machete Phil! I knew it!
- [Groans]
- [Gasps] Oh, God!
- Oh...
- Oh, God!
- Go.
- N-No!
- Go, dear Jen. Go.
- No!
[Sobs]
Namaste.
Fuck off!
- Come on.
- [Groaning]
I'm sorry.
- [Grunts]
- [Ball Bouncing]
[Groans]
[Putman]Ahhh, you!
I should have known it was you!
- Doesn't surprise me a bit, really.
- Damn it, Putman!
- Who is it?
- I'm sure you think
I'll go down without a fight.
But it's not yet game, set...
- [Blade Slicing]
- [Howls]
- [Slicing Continues]
- [Agonized Groan]
- [Whimpering Sob]
- [Gurgling]
[Body Thuds]
- [Creaking]
- [Footsteps]
[Footsteps Continue]
- [Clattering]
- [Squawking]
[Footsteps Continue]
- [Footsteps Stop]
- [Both Mouthing Words]
[Footsteps Resume]
[Mouthing Words]
[Footsteps Fading]
[Door Closes]
Soap, please.
- [Whooping, Shouting]
- [Bongos]
Hey! Nice helmet, Lars!
About time you two perverts
showed up for the party!
[Laughs]
[Burke]
Pour it! Pour it!
Oh, Jesus Christ!
That's blood!
- What the fuck?
- [Jenny] Oh, God!
Oh, God!
- We're all gonna die!
- [Screaming]
Help! Help!
Penelope!
Where's Juan?
I don't know,
I haven't seen him all night.
What the hell is going on?
[Chuckles]
Juan! Juan!
- Hold on. Hold on.
- What are you doing?
- Let me go!
- Don't move!
Where the hell have you been?
I was looking for Peenalop.
Why you are looking at me like that?
'Cause you disappeared a half-hour ago,
and now you show up covered in blood.
Because I just found Putman.
- He's dead.
- Oh, shit! Sam!
- He's dead.
- Oh, shit! Sam!
- [Screaming]
- [Jenny] Oh, my God!
- [Lars] The mud bath!
- Let's go, Peenalop.
[Jenny]
Oh, God.
[Penelope Groans]
- Oh, no.
- What?
- [Mutters] Oh, fuck.
- Sam. Sam.
- [Whimpering]
- Sam!
[Grunts]
- Get out.
- What?
Get out, now!
- [Screaming, Yelling]
- [Maniacal Laughing]
Did you know that
I can hold my breath...
for three minutes and 33 seconds?
[Chuckles]
Nobody ever suspects
the Fun Police.
- Bullshit. I always have suspected you.
- Bullshit. You did not.
- You are the bullshit!
- [Gasps]
He's the guy from the campfire story...
Machete Phil, the kid with no dick.
No. That's just
an old campfire story.
What do you piss out of,
your asshole?
It's just a story! I have a dick.
I'm not Machete Phil.
I'm Machete Sam.
- [Laughs]
- [Jenny]Sam, why are you doing this?
Oh, I remember it
like it was yesterday.
I asked Rolo if he had any grass,
and he said he didn't have any.
So then I followed him
into the jungle.
- Would you believe what I saw?
- No.
He had grass. My grass!
- [Laughing]
- A huge bag of it.
And he was smokin' it
with those two little hussies...
even though
he said he had none.
So then...
No, wait, that's not it.
I found out that Pete was
giving the island to Dave.
Oh, yeah. That's it.
It wasn't about the grass.
Although that was incredibly uncool.
It was about Pete giving the island
to that little shithead!
All-night raving,
pill-popping little son of a bitch!
What about me? H uh?
I deserved it!
I 'm the best goddamned employee
this place has ever seen!
Dave was gonna run it
into the ground.
Not on my watch!
This is my home.
Pete thinks Im just a clown,
good for fun and games.
Well, I got you guys
to do your jobs, didn't I?
Pretty good managerial skills,
don't you think?
Setting you guys up to decipher
that stupid "Naughty Cal song.
[Cackling]
Who's the orca?
Who's the octopus?
[Singsong] I am the Walrus!
I am the Walrus! I am the Walrus!
- [Yells] Oh! Ooh!
- [Grunting]
Get outta here! Now!
I can't hold him for long.
Try putting him to sleep!
Try the-the Snoring Panda!
I can't reach it.
[Panting] I can handle this.
- He'll orgasm for
another few minutes. Go!
- Ooh.
- I'm not leaving you!
- I'll be okay.
- Get outta here. It's gonna get messy.
- Ooh. Ooh.
- Go.
- Go.
- [Panting]
- Oh! Ohhh!
Oh! Ooh!
- Back to the club!
- Are you crazy?
It's the most secure building on
the island. It's where we keep the booze!
[Shouting, Screaming]
Look out, now.
Oh, oh-oh-oh! There you are!
- [Screams]
- Baba-boobie!
- Peenalop!
- Juan!
Oh, God!
Look, he's after us.
She's safer with them. Let's go!
Let's go!
[Jenny]
Get the gate!
[Sobs]
Oh, God!
[Screams]
Oh, God! Nooo!
- Oh, God!
- Peenalop!
- No! No!
- Peenalop! Peenalop!
- Stop!
- [Panicked Grunt]
God! Stop it!
What are you doing?
- You'll never make it!
- [Penelope] Sam! Please!
- [Jenny] God!
What do you think youre...
- [Grunts] Watch out!
- [Grunts]
- [Jenny] Harder! Harder!
- [Jenny] She can't breathe!
- [Juan Grunting]
- [Juan Groaning]
- Penelope! Get up.
- [Gasps, Coughs]
- [Groaning Continues]
- Ohh!
- Juan! Juan! Juan, get up!
- [Coughing]
- Juan, get up.
Come on! Hurry! Come on!
[Groans]
Oh, God.
It's not a party until
someone breaks the Jacuzzi.
- [Laughing]
- [Screams] Oh, God! Juan!
[Snickering]
[Yells]
[Groans, Coughs]
- Lars!
- [Panting] The Fun...
is done.
- [Groans, Chuckles]
- [Chuckles]
What happened
to the hot tub?
[People Whooping, Laughing]
[Man]
Here we go!
Oh, God!
- [Jenny] No!
- [Juan] No, it's not possible!
- What do we do?
- We can lose him in the jungle.
- The jungle?
- I can get us through!
Come on!
- Hurry!
- Go, go, go, go!
I know where this goes!
Let's go! Come on, quickly!
- [Grunts]
- Go!
Oh, God!
This was your big plan?
We can do it. It's high tide.
All right, now listen.
I know this is going
to sound disgusting, but...
when you jump, keep your legs
together and clench your ass cheeks.
Or else, water will fly up your butthole
and pulverize your intestine.
- Gross!
- [Laughter]
- [Gasps]
- [Sam] Where are you?
- I trust you, Juan.
- I'm coming! I'm coming!
[Gasps]
Jesus!
Who is this girl?
Jesus!
Who is this girl?
She's...
my girlfriend.
[Jenny Yelling]
[Yelling]
[Gasps]
- Did you see it?
- I saw it.
- Oh, my asshole!
- What did you see?
- The Randy Rum runner.
He didn't take it. He sunk it.
Juan, anyway you could
dive down and get the propeller off?
We could put it
on the Smilin Smuggler.
- Consider it done, my friend.
- Come on, let's go.
Come on!
[Jenny Grunts]
Juan!
- Come on.
- In the boat. In the boat.
Oh, God!
Where the hell is Juan?
- Juan? Juan?
- [Jenny]Juan, where are you?
- [Yells]
- [Both Scream]
- Oh, my God, you're bleeding.
- It's okay.
- You should see the other hombre.
- I'll put it on.
- Come on.
- [Grunts]
- [Screaming]
- [Yells]
Juan!
[Whimpers]
It's all right.
It's okay.
I cannot imagine
a more beautiful way to go.
[Coughing]
Just remember, Peenalop.
I love you.
Carajo de mierda!
- I love you!
- [Sobs]
[Gulps]
Maybe...
before I go...
one kiss.
No, no, no.
I meant,
maybe you and Jenny could...
- kiss each other.
- [Chuckles]
I always...
wanted...
to see that.
- [Jenny] Oh, God!
- Juan!
Juan!
- [Yells]
- [Women Screaming]
- [Punch Lands]
- [Squealing Groan]
- [Screams]
- [Grunting]
[Coughing, Gagging]
- [Grunting]
- [Grunting]
- Aargh!
- Come on!
- Son of a bitch!
- [Grunting]
- [Grunts]
- [Yells, Groans]
[Grunts]
- [Cries Out]
- [Groans]
- [Lars] Go! Go, Jenny, go!
- [Engine Revs]
- [Jenny] Whoo-whoo!
- [Yelling]
Shit!
Turn it, turn it!
- Lars, what are you doing?
- Trust me.
- Lars, stop it!
- Come on, come on!
- [Screams]
- Yeah!
- You're bringing us closer to the raft!
- I know.
[Grunts, Yells]
[Screaming]
[Agonized Grunt]
- [Accelerating]
- Ahhhhhh!
[Screams]
Yeah!
- Slowly, slowly.
- Okay.
[Sighs]
We gotta untie these lines.
- [Ferocious Yell]
- [Penelope Screaming]
- Hit it, Jenny! Go!
- [Accelerating]
- [Agonized Groan]
[Screaming]
- Ahhhhhh!
- Yeah!
[Groans, Whimpers]
[All Panting]
[Grunts]
Let's get the hell outta here.
[Panting]
- [Sighs]
- [Relieved Chuckle]
- [Yells]
- [Screams]
- [Sam] Come on!
- [Screaming]
- Oh, come on!
[Growling]
- [Lars Grunting] Die!
- [Groaning]
Son of a bitch!
[All Panting]
They'll probably kick me
out of the Pacifist Club now.
Or at least
ask you nicely to leave.
- [Chuckles]
- [Laughs]
Tian-tu...
- the Heaven Point.
- [Pleasurable Moan]
Oh.
[Gasps, Shuddering Moan]
- Let's go, Peenalop.
- [Chuckles]
## [Man Vocalizing]
## [Continues, Repetitively]
## [Man Singing, Indistinct]
[Laughs]
Gracias, Sheriff!
[Coughs]
- [Laughs]
- Cut it.
- That is so whack!
- Knock that shit off, Juan.
You're gonna cause
a hysterical... thing.
[Laughing]
- That is so cheebah!
- [Chanting]
- [Laughter]
- I just lost it. Keep rolling,
keep rolling, keep rolling.
That is some trick shit!
That is so on time, off the hook!
Tight! And heavy!
That is so...
out of the planet!
- [Laughs]
- [Laughter]
[Howling Laughter]
What other dumb fuckin'
catchphrases can I say?
Man, I can't hear shit. I've been standin'
next to amplifiers my whole life.
- Hello.
- [Laughs]
[Whistling]
- Oh, God, no!
- Oh, God...
- Kinda scared me. Sorry.
- [Cackling]
#Tokey took him
to a sea horse whorehouse #
Which-Which, something.
[Laughs]
Which seemed to suggest, uh...
Fuck, I don't know what it seemed
to suggest. Let me try that again.
# Naughty Cal
Bongo and Tokey#
- Aaah!
- # Got tired of livin' on land#
# So the three amigos
took an undersea trip #
- # And never were seen again #
- [Laughing]
# Started out all right
Went a couple of miles #
# Till they spotted a waterin' hole #
# They had their wits about them
until they were served... #
Here we go, I 'I I do, um...
Okay, ready and action.
But what about the sign
on Cliff's neck?
- It said, "staff only."
I mean, that clearly means...
- [Laughs]
[All Laughing]
- Mark!
- All right, well, tell us, then...
how the hell are we
supposed to do our jobs...
when somebody is killing
the dick out of everybody on the island?
- Yes.
- [Laughing]
- Hey, listen. Listen, sugar britches.
- [Laughing]
- All right. All right. Are we cutting?
- Just-Just do your job.
- No, I'm not cutting.
- Okay, cut it.
- [Laughter]
- [Loud Beeping]
# Bongo chose himself
a pretty prawn#
- # Cal preferred a dolphin #
- # A dolphin #
# Naughty Cal and his pals
ran the waves to somewhere #
[Gulls Squawking]
# Land ho
They blew all their dough #
# And ended up nowhere #
# They pulled their shit together
cleaned themselves all up #
# And they set out on their way #
# They heard some talk
about buried treasure #
# Down in Mango Bay #
# But a big bad orca
and a scary octopus #
# Were guardin ' the riverbed#
# Before you knew it
the fun was over #
# 'Cause Bongo and Tokey
were dead#
# I guess it seems
that everybody's lookin '#
# To find their own paradise #
# But it ain 't on Earth
It's up there in heaven #
# And someday we 're all gonna die #
# La-la-la-la, lala-la-la-la
Lalala-lala #
- Yeah!
- # La-la-la-la, lala-la-la, lalala-lala #
- Come on, everybody!
- # La-la-la-la, lala-la-la, lalala-lala #
- Pass that bong over here! Yeah!
- # La-la-la-la, lala-la-la, lalala-lala #
Whoo! Yeah!
[Laughing]
- Whoo!
- [Waves Breaking]
I can't believe
you invited that guy.
[Mock English Accent]
He's such a bloody wanker.
Oh, cut it out, Rolo. God!
Why are you always makin' fun of him?
Give me a break. Sissy Brit.
- Who the hell talks like that?
- [Laughing]
- You're such a jerk, Rolo.
- You're gonna love this shit.
[Chuckles]
Pure Costa Rica Freaka.
- Ow!
- Hey, Stacy...
while I torch this baby,
how about you lick my chest?
Oh.
[Chuckles]
- [Chuckling]
- [Twig Snaps]
- Hey, what about my nipples?
- Shut up! Someone's watching us.
A peeper, huh?
My kind of guy.
- Rolo, I'm serious. It creeped me out.
- All right, all right.
I know a place more private...
- and romantic.
- Oh. [Chuckles]
Ow!
Check it out.
- What do you think?
- Ooh!
Should we be doin' this here?
I mean, isn't this, like,
sacred or something?
What? No, they're dead.
You got any objections, Ricky?
[Spanish Accent]
I think you should give it to her, senor.
- [Laughing]
- [Bushes Rustling]
There he is again.
This guy's gonna be
picking his teeth out of my dump.
- [Yells]
- [Stacy Gasps]
Stacy, this guy doesn't even have teeth.
- [Chuckling]
- [Screeching]
[Both Scream]
Watch the hair, asshole!
- [Stacy Laughing]
- Goddamn monkeys.
- [Roars]
- [Screams]
[Gasps, Laughs]
Oh, my God!
Who needs a love potion?
I whipped up something extra tasty.
Ow!
So, where are we gonna do this?
I don't wanna get caught
in the middle of a cemetery.
Let's at least go inside
that old mausoleum.
Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
- [Chuckling]
- Wow.
- Check this out.
[Laughs]
[Yelling]
[Grunting, Laughing]
Oh. Looks like
we don't need you anymore.
[Both Moaning]
- [Door Closes]
- [Both Scream]
[Rolo]
What the...
It was probably just the wind.
Okay, we're back in.
- [Rolo Chuckles]
- Whoo!
Heads or tails?
- Mmm... heads.
- Oh!
- What's "tails"?
- You don't wanna know.
[Moaning]
[Sword Unsheathing]
What is it? Too waxy?
Shh. I heard something.
Was it, um,
a strange sucking sound?
[Chuckles]
Oh!
Say, what do you think about smacking
me in the face a couple of times?
Not hard.
Well, kinda hard.
[Chuckles]
What do you say?
- No.
- Oh, come on.
- No!
- Oh, come on, Kelly.
- It's not like I'm asking you
to eat my crap.
- No!
- Just slug me.
- [Both Screaming]
- Over here!
- No, this way!
[Gasping]
[Screaming]
[Panting]
- ##[Reggae, Distant]
- [Chattering, Distant]
[Gasps]
- [Horn Blowing]
- ## [Soft Rock]
[Man]
All right. Here we go.
## [Continues]
[Over P.A.] Welcome to Pleasure Island!
I'm your host, Coconut Pete.
Put your bags down and meet me
at the pool for a nice drink.
Are you ready
for the time of your life?
Yeah, fiesta time!
Are you ready to party?
- Buenos dias! Lars Brunckhorst.
- Right this way, my friend.
- Welcome to the island.
Please, keep walking.
- Listen, l...
[Man]Are you ready to party?
Come on, now!
Party!
Who'd like to party?
- Hey, Lars Brunckhorst.
- Time to party. Welcome to the party.
- Lars Brunckhorst.
- Follow the officer.
Just follow the officer.
- Follow the officer. Follow the officer.
- You don't understand...
Whoo-hoo! Welcome
to Coconut Pete's Pleasure Island!
Now, you are here to have fun.
If you choose not to have fun,
fun will be provided for you.
[Cheering]
Whoo-hoo!
All right, let's go have some fun
now, huh? Bring it down. Bring it down.
- Left, right! Left, right!
- Hey, General. Lars Brunckhorst. Listen...
- Nice fuckin' hat, pussy!
- Hey, you got that bag of grass
I loaned you?
Ooh, sorry. You know how it is.
Let me know
when you score some more.
[Chuckles]
Ooh!
Hey, you. I'm sorry I'm late.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Yeah, all right. Go on.
[Woman] Who wants drinks?
Drinks, drinks, drinks.
- [Man] Yeah, I like that!
- [Woman] Bring it on!
Hey, Dave. Hey, Carlos.
- Hola, Kelly.
- Think you could put a little
something extra in my drinks?
I know ex-actly what you need.
- There you go.
- [Whistling]
If anyone else is eager
to share the ex-perience...
I'll be around this e-vening...
- and we'll be ex-pecting them.
- Okay, okay, okay. I get it.
Put it on my tab.
- Hey, at least give me
one of those margaritas.
- Sorry.
They're so spoken for.
[Laughs]
[Mouthing Words]
We're gonna go for a quick romp
in the jungle before the pool party.
[English Accent]
Oh, I don't know, Stace.
I have to play tennis soon,
and, well, to be honest...
that stretch of the jungle gives me an
extraordinary case of the wonky britches.
Sweet Jesus,
you're an F-cake, Putman.
- [Gasps]
- What the hell?
You were just telling me
what a nut-cup this guy is.
[Stacy]
I did not!
[Man Over P.A.]
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...
- your host and rock and roll's
favorite son...
- ## [Guitar]
Coconut Pete!
[Applause]
[Coconut Pete]
Welcome to Pleasure Island!
[Man Over P.A.]
Whoo-hoo!
I love you, Coconut Pete!
Oh! Well, I guess
you all heard this one, huh?
- [Cheering]
- Back you go, dickweed!
I guess you also know
that I took this song and turned it...
into a beautiful reality.
- This gorgeous group of people
behind me is our staff.
- [Cheering]
And they're here to take care of you
in more ways than one!
Now, you came here to
escape civilization...
and we're gonna hold you to it.
Your cell phones won't work here.
There are no fax machines...
and most importantly of all,
no strings attached!
[Cheering]
[Horn Blowing]
[Blowing Whistle]
Coconut Pete, you're under arrest!
What are the charges, officer?
For keeping these people from enjoying
free drinks at the pool from noon to 3:00!
- [Cheering]
- That would be a crime!
Well, you heard the man.
Free drinks at the pool!
Last one in
is a rotten coconut!
[Animals Chittering]
- [Screams]
- [Screams]
- [Panting]
- Are you all right?
Yeah. That thing just scared me a little.
It's just Welkie, the Welcome Gorilla.
These two idiots were trying to hump him,
so I thought I'd stash him out here.
- I'm Jenny.
- I'm Penelope.
I'm a little lost.
You look familiar.
Have you ever been here before?
Oh, yeah. Um, well, no.
Huh.
So where are you from?
- Uh, Nome, Alaska?
- Hmm.
I guess you just have
one of those faces.
- [Chuckles]
- Just take a right up there
to get to the big path.
But you better hurry.
You'll miss the drinks by the pool.
## [Reggae]
[Man] Oh, Manny,
look at the chassis on this one.
Oh, dude.
Wanna get nailed?
Hot dudes lookin'
for some gander juice.
Yeah!
- Okay, maybe later. Yeah.
- I'll get back to you.
Oh, dude, look at that one, dude.
Green bikini? Oh, dude.
- Look at that little cheetah.
- Hair pie.
- [Grunting]
- [Barks]
- Jackie O'Tripod.
- Dude, what...
Oh, dude, check out that
orange bikini, dude.
Oh, dude, come on.
- Do you want to be drilled by Manny?
- [Grunting]
[Laughing]
Bogey. Bogey.
- 12:00 noon.
- Holy shit, dude.
I know that chick.
That's the chick on that TV show...
- A.M. Pump Up With Amy Aerobics.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
She's the one in the way back.
Dude, she was. But then the chick
by the palm tree died...
so she got promoted to palm tree.
And then Amy Aerobics died, and so
she's the new number one chick, dude.
- She's the new Amy Aerobics!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Amy Aerobics died?
- What did she die of?
- She didn't die of a fat ass,
I'll tell you that, bro.
[Both Laughing]
What's up?
Dude, don't be gay, man.
- I don't think so.
- Hi.
Oh! Whoo! Hey.
- Lars Brunckhorst. I'm the new masseur.
- [Jenny] Hi.
- I'm Jenny.
- Really nice to meet you, Jenny.
- And this is Yu.
- And really nice to meet you, Yu.
- [Chuckles]
- So youre subbing in for Inga this week?
- Yeah.
- Well, you'd better be good.
Inga had some great moves.
Let's see what you got.
Ooh.
[Chuckles]
- [Chanting]
- [Both Moaning]
Oh, God.
Inga never did anything like that.
- Who's the fucking hippie?
- I'll take that.
Hey, get your own margy.
- It's not for me.
It's for our new masseur, Lars.
- Are you serious?
We swapped out a six-foot
Swedish broad for this guy?
- I'm six-one.
- Cool!
Oh, don't worry about him.
He's Coconut Pete's nephew, so he
thinks he can get away with murder.
At least assault
with a deadly wet one.
- [Whistle Blowing] Who wants to limbo?
- Limbo! Limbo!
[Cheering]
I'll show you the ropes
at the club tonight.
Look for me.
I'll be the cute chick behind the bar.
[Roy]
Attention: Frankie back to Hollywood!
- Dude, whatever.
- Dude, this is you! This is you!
[Chattering Continues, Indistinct]
- Bend it, don't break it.
- I'll bend anything. I'm gettin'
so fuckin laid tonight.
- ## [Dance]
- [Chattering, Indistinct]
[Man]
Yeah, drink, sugar! Chug it down!
Chug it down for me!
[Man Over P.A.] Hey, what's up there,
you foxes and cockses?
Here comes Coconut Pete!
[Cheering]
Hey, am I go. You must be Lars.
Coconut Pete. Hey, man, I really appreciate
you bringing me into your life circle.
Pleasure's all mine. Say, I hear
good things about your fingers.
Is that a tranquillity blouse?
Yeah, it is. It's actually the same one
you wore on your album cover.
"Pink Crustaceans and Good Vibrations"?
I read a 1977 interview
where you said that...
the teal and blue really kept
you focused during the tough times.
That sounds like something
I said back in '77.
I guess nobody told you, but, uh...
you're supposed to wear
the Pleasure Sweater on luge duty.
Oh, yeah, they did, but it's actually
kind of hot in here...
and it was kind of
wadded up on the ground...
just put the goddamn thing on.
Hank, give Lars a hand, will ya?
Oh, yeah.
- Thanks, Hank.
- Hey, Coco Pete, I have
a present for you, my friend.
- You see the beautiful flower
in the yellow dress?
- Mmm!
[Coconut Pete]
She's in full bloom.
She said she saw you in Tucson
three years ago, 14th row.
Excuse me, but weren't you
at one of my shows?
U of A, '99?
- Yeah!
- I remember you! You were in the...
Don't tell me... 15th row.
- Fourteenth row!
- I have a pictographic memory
for pretty faces.
Well, hey, how about the grand tour?
- Yeah, sure.
- Right this way.
Hey, buddy!
Ah, Jesus Christ!
That's tequila!
I was doubles partners
with Andre Agassi for an entire week.
I'm the one who taught 'Dre
to play Cocks and Quarters.
If you can believe it,
he'd never played Cocks and Quarters.
Wow. That's interesting.
- Yeah, it's... Well, it's...
- Hey, snow bunny!
- Give me a Drambuie, neat.
- You got it.
Well, all alone, huh? Well, don't worry.
"No woman, no cry," right, mon?
Actually, I was quite engaged
until you bullied your way in here.
Yeah, I heard you. Something about, uh,
Cocks and Quarters?
You know, we have that game in the States
too, except we call it Hide the Sausage.
I beg your pardon? Excuse me,
new fellow, please cut off this minor.
Oh, come on! If there's grass
on the field, then play ball.
Right, guv'nor?
Hey, Sammy, hit me!
Mmm!
Gracias, Sheriff.
Legalize it!
[Man Over P.A.] Hey, late night fun
at the campfire in one hour.
- And don't forget your condoms.
- Tequila! Who wants some?
Hey, what, are you dancing alone?
Hey, sweetie. Come here.
- [Gasps]
- Hi!
Whoo! I now pronounce you
Mr. And Mrs. Funzy!
You owe me one, bro.
Uh, may I kiss the bride?
- Um... do you work here?
- I do.
I'm Juan Castillo.
I am dive master.
Like, cliffs, or-or...
Cliffs, rocks, boards.
Whatever you wish.
Oh, that is a beautiful name.
"Peenalop."
Peenalop.
It's breathtaking.
Um, thank you.
So, tell me, what brings you
here to us, Peenalop?
Oh, oh. I'm on spring break.
I go to Oral Roberts.
Oral Roberts?
Is that anything like an Anal Johnson?
'Cause, well,
I've done that a few times.
Or am I thinking of a Dirty Sanchez?
That's the one.
- I don't know what that is.
- Uh... it's not for you.
- [Gasps] Oh, my God!
- Ah, yes.
A very magical place.
- Hey.
- Hey, Carlos.
Make it quick.
We got a lot of dishes.
[Clattering]
Goddamn monkeys.
[Muttering In Spanish]
- [Twig Snaps]
- [Gasps] You?
Carlos, these knives are filthy.
When are you gonna clean 'em?
Manana.
[Sighs]
- [Spanish]
- [Clattering]
[Gasps]
- [Screaming]
- [Coconut Pete]
One, two! One, two, three, four!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo-hoo!
- All right!
- Solid.
Play "Margaritaville."
[Applause Stops]
Excuse me?
Play "Margaritaville."
I love that song.
Darlin', I think youre referrin'
to my song "Pina Coladaburg."
No, "Margaritaville. '
[Chuckles]
I think you mean "Pina Coladaburg."
A little song I wrote
seven and a half fucking years...
before "Margaritaville"
was even on the map!
Of course,
you wouldn't know that 'cause...
you weren't even born yet!
- [Mock Laughter]
- Come on, hog shell. Let's get us a drink.
- I don't need this shit.
- Come on, man.
Fuck that guy!
Son of a son of a bitch!
Mother motherfucker!
- ## [Dance]
- Hey, Jenny.
[Moaning]
- [Laughs] God!
- Sorry.
Give me a heads-up
before you do that.
It's just a habit. I could see
how tight you were from a mile away.
What can I say?
Some girls are just tighter than others.
- [Chuckles]
- Sorry.
Uh... So, uh, I guess
I'm talkin' to a celebrity.
Congratulations.
I heard you got your own fitness show?
Uh, yeah. Amy Aerobics
accidentally ate some rat poison.
It was awful.
But I'm still really psyched.
I've been waiting a long time for this.
- That's great.
- Hey, Jen.
I will be glad to never
have to do this again.
Yeah, it must be tough
living in paradise.
Oh, yeah.
You love it now, but just wait.
# Crab legs, crab legs
Rah, rah, rah #
Hey, you guys ever hear the story
of the Machete Maniac?
[All]
Ooh!
[Chuckles]
Let's hear it.
Yeah, I don't know.
It's probably too scary for you guys.
- No. No, it's not.
- No, come on, Dave.
Please, tell us the story.
All right, what the hell.
This must've been, like,
We had a kid working at the club
named Phil Coletti.
And one night...
it was a night a lot like tonight...
this gorgeous woman comes
into the club, asks him if he
wants to go out to the jungle.
He's like, "Yeah. Why not?"
So they split. And as they started
getting out to the jungle...
further and further away
from the lights of the club...
she starts asking him
these questions, like...
does he believe
in the local legends of the island...
voodoo, zombies.
He's not too worried about it.
He just rolls right over,
starts putting the screws to her.
But something doesn't
feel right to Coletti.
But he can't see shit. It's pitch black,
so he just keeps bangin' away.
But then, boom!
A flash of lightning lights up the
whole island, and in that one moment...
Coletti looks around and sees
not only is he out in the middle
of that old Mayan cemetery...
not only are all the other guys from
the resort standing around watching him...
but he sees that
he's having sex with a corpse.
A cold, white...
- dirty-from-the-grave dead body.
- [Girl Groans]
And they say...
Phil Coletti calmly walked
to the groundskeeper's shack...
found a machete...
and chopped those staff members
into a hundred pieces.
And they say
he took that same machete...
chopped his own dick off
and ran screaming into the jungle.
Nobody ever saw him after that.
But from that point on...
Phil Coletti was forever known...
as Machete Phil.
Are you telling me there's some
totally deranged, dickless dude
running around out there?
All I 'm saying is I don't
go into the jungle alone if I can help it.
'Cause you can hear him,
and I've heard him...
crying out...
"Where's my penis?
Where's my penis?
Where's my penis?"
- And that boy was me!
- [Screaming, Laughing]
You're an asshole,
Putman.
- Anybody get laid tonight?
- Hey, Pete.
- I know I did.
- [Laughter]
Say, anybody seen
Rolo, Stacy or Kelly?
They're probably off screwing around
in the jungle somewhere.
Well, shit. I'm gonna need somebody
to run Luau Night tomorrow.
Uh, yeah, sure.
I'll run Luau Night.
What, cut up a couple
of pineapples, whatever.
- Yeah, great.
Sam, will you run Luau Night?
- Sure. Can do.
We'll get some grass mini-skirts,
maybe have a poi-eating contest...
and, uh, everyone'll get laid.
- [Hooting, Laughing]
- Sounds great. People, please.
Is it too much to ask?
Have sex with the guests.
- Some of em aren't bad-looking.
- [Laughter]
Hola, Peenalop!
[Alarm Blaring]
[Panting, Gasping]
- [Women Laughing]
- [Alarm Stops]
Change!
[Alarm Resumes]
- All right, 200 points. 200 points.
- Oh, good Christ!
Oh, you're dead, fucker!
You little yellow prick!
You're fucked!
[Grunts]
- Ohh!
- 500 points!
- Fuckin' worked!
- A simple tag would have sufficed.
Eat it, fuck-nut!
[Laughs]
- Cue Pretzel.
- [Alarm Continues]
Where's Pretzel?
Come on. Cue Pretzel.
Cue Pretzel. Pretzel... Ah.
Pretzel!
Hey, Pretzel!
Get your twisted, salty ass out here.
- Hey!
- [Panting, Moaning]
[Moaning Continues]
Ocupado, bro. Go!
- [Mouthing Words]
- [Moaning Continues]
Sorry, Cliff.
I need you in the maze.
- I'm on break.
- Be happy in your work, Pear.
Shit.
[Moaning Continues Loudly]
Eh, yeah.
Hey, look, I salty, yeah?
- Wait. What's your name?
- Listen, mami,
I call you later, all right?
- Bye.
- [Laughing]
- [Screams]
- [Gasps] Shit!
- [Mutters]
- [Woman] I got you!
Whoa!
[Panting]
Huh?
[Groaning]
[Chattering, Laughing]
## [Reggae]
- [Sword Unsheathes]
- Hello?
Hello?
[Yells]
[Chanting]
- Lars?
- Huh?
Oh. Sorry.
I was just in the middle of my Qi Kung.
Wow. Qi Kung?
[Karate Yell]
- Whoa!
- I should have you on my show.
- I guess you're not
just into massage, are you?
- Yeah, well...
I mean, bodywork's still my life,
but I've also done the Dianetic thing.
Spent a little time in the Forum.
Did a little Falun Gong in Bang Chow.
- But you knowhows got
a great philosophy?
- Who?
Coconut Pete.
Have a good time all the time.
- [Together] Always eat the worm.
- Totally.
- Sign our asses! Sign our asses!
- Sign our asses!
- What do you know about Feng Chi?
- Um, nothing.
- Snoring Panda.
- [Snoring]
Not to be confused
with Linou Gano...
- the Leaking Turtle.
- Oh, my God!
- Don't try that in public.
- Dude!
Hey, guys, I'm gonna
send you back over there.
- You'll get plenty
of signatures, all right?
- Come on, hop.
Go ahead.
[Chuckles]
- Come on, hop!
- [Jenny] That's amazing.
It's all really about
connecting your meridians.
We all have energy that flows through
us, and it's all connected by buttons.
So, what other buttons
can you push?
Tian-Tu.
- [Moans]
- The Heaven Point.
[Moaning]
Fuck me!
Damn!
[Giggles]
Maybe I should
take you home with me.
I don't know if
I'd fit in your luggage. Oh, shit!
What the...
Oh, my God!
- Carlos?
- What's he doin' up in the air?
- It's gonna be okay, dude.
- I'm not getting a pulse.
[Jenny]
"Naughty Carlos"?
[Boat Departing]
Who's driving the boat?
You really never played
this game as a kid?
We had a cheap
Nicaraguan version called Circle Eater.
- But, you know...
- [Whimpering]
Are you trying to tell us something, boy?
Is Timmy trapped in a well?
Come on!
- You must come quick!
- Follow the banana!
- [Whistle Blowing]
- # Follow the banana, follow the banana #
- # Follow the banana #
- Oh!
[Juan]
Oh, man!
Cliff!
[Dave]
Oh!
["Game Over Sound]
[Jenny]
Who would do something like this?
I mean, who the fuck would wanna
come here and do something like this?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Come on. Settle down, now.
- You're makin' a scene.
- There's a bloody killer on the island.
I know who it is. It's Machete Phil,
come out from the jungle.
Cool it, Juanny. You know that's
just a bullshit story for the guests.
Hey, it looks like
everybody else is okay.
But you gotta see what
someone did to my activities board.
- [All Gasping]
- Oh, my God!
[Chattering]
[Dave Reading]
"Do your jobs and live.
Tell the guests and die"?
"'Cause everybody's looking
to find their own paradise."'
[Coconut Pete]
What the hell does that mean?
- We have to get off the island.
- We have to get everyone off the island.
[Gasps]
Ahh! Okay.
Okay, the radio's smashed,
and we got no boats.
- No boats?
- How could somebody steal both boats?
I don't know. L...
I mean, the Smilin' Smuggler...
Looked like it was
just driving around on its own.
- What? On its own?
- And that phone line
had definitely been cut?
It sure as shit was not
chewed up by jungle rats.
- We have jungle rats?
- Okay, what are we gonna tell the guests?
- Nothing. I mean, you saw the board.
- He's right.
We tell the guests there's some crazed
maniac on the island with no way off?
We're gonna have a hundred
crazed maniacs running around.
What about the sign on Cliff?
I mean, it clearly said, "staff only."
I mean, that means
he's targeting us.
- [Overlapping Chatter]
- I don't understand.
Why are they coming after us?
- [Slurping]
- [Chatter Stops]
Ahhh.
When you're all done with your little
pink panty meltdown let me know...
'cause I'd like to
get down to business.
I thought it was time
to bring in the pro.
- Hank?
- Yes, Hank.
- The head of security on all my tours.
- So, what?
He keeps aging hippies from stealing
the bong out of your tour bus?
It just so happens
Hank used to be a federal agent.
Yeah, that's right. Headed
an F.B.I. Task force on serial killers.
Single-handedly caught
the Minneapolis Mangler.
- Who's the Minneapolis Mangler?
- Exactly.
Pete, you are aware that
I personally have served this guy...
twenty beers a day
for the last 10 years, right?
Hey, I was in Nicaragua, junior!
When you can stuff
your intestines back in your pockets...
and walk 20 clicks to an aid station...
after a knife fight with guerrilla
drug lords, then you talk to me.
All right, since there's
no way off this rock...
- we're gonna have to catch this guy.
- [Putnam] Catch him?
We couldn't even catch the bloody
raccoon that was stealing
my wristbands last month.
You didn't ask me to catch
the raccoon, did you, Pip?
All right, now here's the plan.
You're gonna give this wing nut
exactly what he wants.
- You're all gonna do your jobs.
- All right, then tell us something.
How the hell are we
supposed to do our job...
when somebody is killing the dick
out of everybody on the island?
- [Voices Overlapping]
- Take it easy there, menstrual cramp.
You read the poem
on that board out there.
I seen this a million times.
This guy's playing a game,
and we're gonna play right back.
Just keep cool,
and this cat'll come to us.
And when he does,
I promise you...
I'll be there
with my whompin' stick.
[Chuckling]
## [Man Singing, Indistinct]
Come on, hit it!
Hit it!
Definitely not this guy.
Maybe. Maybe not.
What in the queen's wig
is going on here?
We've got a killer on the loose, and
you're throwing a bloody pinata party.
The cut on that pear kid
was left to right.
Left to right! I'm looking
for the left-handed killer, you idiot!
Oh. I see.
This is totally fucked up.
I don't even know what I'm looking for.
[Chuckles]
I don't even know what I'm doing here.
Hey, you know, I've been thinking
about that poem on the board.
There's something
really familiar about those words.
I just can't seem to
wrap my fingers around it.
- Can you wrap your fingers around this?
- Whoa!
##[Continues]
- Hi, Juan.
- Hi. Uh...
- Hi. How are you?
- Good. I made you a hat.
Oh. L-I don't know what to say.
Well, say "thank you" and put it on.
All right, all right.
Thank you. L-I love it.
You wanna take a walk on the beach?
[Chuckles]
Eh...
You know,
it's the same here as it is down there.
You know, um, the sand and water here,
the sand and water...
[Yells]
I heard you were being
very bad today, Juan.
What you mean?
When you were
supposed to be in the maze...
you were eating watermelon.
- How you find out about that?
- Because I see everything, Juan.
[Both Moaning]
Hey, you-you know...
you know what? You know what?
I think it's a good idea if we were
to go down the beach a little more far.
- Huh? The two of us.
- Okay.
Oh, you know, I forgot.
I'm supposed
to go make S'mores.
- We checked every guest cabana.
- No weapons? No bloody clothes?
Just pornography and
an ass-load of condoms.
The guy in 14
had a wooden Bible.
A wooden Bible, huh?
That's good.
That's a good job.
All right now, Jenny.
You go check on Yu. She's freakin' out.
New meat, you take over here.
Okay? Break!
Okay? Break!
- You'll be all right?
- Yeah.
Sure.
- Shite. Shite. Not her best.
- ## [Dance]
Hello, Pete.
"Hope They've Got Hammocks
in Heaven."
Great.
And again, Peter.
You dirty bugger.
What's this?
Jesus, this is crazy!
We can't do this anymore!
Quiet, Yu.
The guests will hear.
Jenny, we cannot act like
there's nothing wrong, okay?
There are guests everywhere.
We have to tell them.
No! You saw that board.
## [Continues]
## [Monkey Yell]
[Roy]
So I said it's totally tea bag season.
[Manny]
Dude, shut up, gay-rod. Give me a light.
Hey, guys, I 'm gonna need you
back at the bonfire. We're
gonna make an announcement.
Oh, good, 'cause I got
an announcement to make to Roy.
- I'm totally bake-ached.
- Come on!
- Idiots.
- [Chattering Continues]
- [Twigs Snapping]
- Hey, come to the beach.
We're gonna make
an announcement.
[Whimpers, Screams]
Help!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
[Screaming]
Help!
[Screams]
There's always one fuck-head like you...
trying to shit in the apple pie.
You just shat in the one apple pie
that knows how to shit back.
So why don't, uh, you and me,
let's just...
[Screaming]
- [Gasping]
- Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
Shit!
Shit!
[Screams]
## [Dance]
Amy's got some fantastic advice for
everybody this morning, haven't you, Amy?
[Jenny On TV] Here are humans,
here is God, and here are we.
You're the girl, Ame!
Shoulders down.
- How are we looking, Dr. Wick?
- You're looking fantastic, Amy.
Looking fantastic.
This is one of the top five cardio...
- [TV Shuts Off]
- [Boat Engine Running, Distant]
[Twigs Snapping]
Let's do the sun salute!
Let's do the sun salute!
Crab, crab, crab.
Shot. Throw it away. Salute.
Crab, crab, crab.
Shot. Throw it away. Salute.
Hey, let's dance.
It's easier when you're smiling.
- I heard one of our ski boats last night.
- Holy shit! That's great!
- I only heard it for a second, but...
- So what do we do?
If it is one of ours, this guy's got it.
It's probably not a real good idea...
to go lookin' for it unless you
want to get your dingy chopped off.
- What?
- [Blowing Shell]
Hey, I figured it out. I know where
those lines on the board came from.
You know that line, "Everyone's
looking to find their own paradise"?
- That's from one of your songs.
- What the fuck you talkin' about?
One of my songs?
Yeah, it's off your album
"Sea Shanties and Wet Panties."
- 1978?
- Let's see those pinchers, people!
What does this song
have to do with all this?
The name of the song
is "Naughty Cal."
- Naughty Cliff. Naughty Carlos.
- [All] Naughty Cal!
# Naughty Cal, Bongo and Tokey #
# Got tired of livin' on land #
# So the three amigos
took an undersea trip #
- # And never were seen again#
- [Bong Water Bubbling]
# Bongo, the stoned crab
got high as a kite #
- # And fell and cracked his shell #
- Shit.
That's the line that was
on the board yesterday.
I didn't know
where it was from.
How do you not know
the words to your own song?
I don't even remember
making the album, okay?
Shit, it was '78.
We were all out of our gourds.
It was kind of a crazy time in 1978.
Oh, man, we had
some fuckin' parties.
# Bongo the stoned crab
got high as a kite #
# And fell and cracked his shell#
# Tokey was lost in a maze all night#
- ## [Continues]
- "High as a kite"?
"He fell and cracked his shell"?
That's like Carlos up in the parasail.
Then "lost in a maze,"
exactly like Cliff.
So this guy is killing people
according to a fucking acid trip song?
- This is insane!
- [Putman] Peter.
What's the song about? I s there
some sort of special significance?
Fuck no. I mean, uh,
I don't know.
It's a sea shanty. Naughty Cal's
this, uh, underwater cowboy...
and Tokey and Bongo
are his buddies.
And they go on this adventure
to find, uh, Atlantis or some shit.
- L-l-l...
- Let's listen to the next line
and see what happens.
# La-la-la-la
Lala-la-la-la, lalala-la-la #
Maybe if I play it backwards.
# La-la-la-la, lala-la-la, la-la-la-la #
- # Mango Bay #
- Wait, listen. Listen.
# But a big bad orca
and a scary octopus #
# Were guarding the riverbed#
- ## [Continues]
- So, what the hell?
The orca and the octopus?
I mean, is it
the next victims, or is it the killer?
Our lives depend on us interpreting
the dumbest fucking song I've ever heard.
Please, don't hold back.
Just say what you really think.
I'm not sensitive.
You know, I won about five fucking
gold records in my lifetime.
H-How many gold records
do you have?
- Let's see how it ends.
- # I guess it seems #
# That everybody's lookin'#
# To find their own paradise #
# But it ain't on Earth
It's up there in heaven #
# And someday we're all gonna die ##
- [Laughing Wildly]
- Jesus.
Pete!
Yu and Hank are dead.
- Why? What did we do?
- No, man.
Yu and Hank are fucking dead.
You threatening me? 'Cause if you are,
you little hairless lap dog...
Ay, puta!
Just come and look!
[All Gasp]
[Putman Reading]
"Don't let this be Yu."
She was just trying
to warn the guests.
- [Sobbing]
- Hank!
[Insects Buzzing]
Yu?
[Crowd Booing]
Why are we doing
a goddamn fashion show?
Because it's goddamn
Fashion Show Wednesday, that's why!
Look what happened to Yu! Remember
the warning: "Do your jobs or die"?
So we're just gonna put
little smiles on our faces...
and march out there
and do our goddamn jobs.
- You got that? Lars, you're up.
Come on. Let's go.
- You got it, Pete.
[Cheering]
Lars Brunckhorst, everybody.
Lars is sporting
the Pleasure Poncho.
Only 19.95 at the gift shop.
Thank you, Lars.
[Sam] I'm tellin' ya, I got a bad
feeling about that new guy.
You are right. It all started
when he got here, didn't it?
- Sam, it isn't Lars or any of us.
- Look, Jenny.
- I know why youre defending him.
- Pajamas! Come on! Move!
- Putman, pillow.
- Putman Livingston, I presume.
Oh, if it isn't
Little Lord Fauntleroy!
Pip, pip! Tallyho!
I got it. In that song...
Naughty Cal sings
about the scary octopus.
Look at Putman!
Putman is the octopus.
- Hello?
- Dave, just go play with
the curtains or something.
No, no, no. We can't dismiss
that song. What about Carlos and Cliff?
What about the fact that
Hank was buried in the sand like
the buried treasure in the song?
All right,
so maybe the octopus...
is the way
the next person dies?
How do you kill someone
with an octopus?
Octopus spelled backward is "supotco."
Juan, isn't that Spanish for something?
"Supotco"? No.
The word for shoe is zapato.
- Hmm. Shoe.
- Am I the only one who thinks
his head looks like an octopus?
- Shh, shh, shh. Here he comes.
- What did I miss?
- Apparently, somebody's gonna
get killed by a shoe.
- Hmm.
Okay, you guys, instead of
focusing on the song, why don't
we go look for those boats?
- Good idea.
- Jenny, why don't you and I
go search together?
- Um...
- Putman.
- Why dont you and I
go and look for that boat?
- Are you daft?
I'm not going out in the jungle
with you and your bloody shiatsu.
If you're the killer,
you'll snap my neck like a twig.
All right, stick to the shore.
There's no reason to go in the jungle.
The boats are probably
gonna be covered with sticks.
Or branches.
Thanks much, officer.
Aren't you taking any weapons?
- I have all the weapons I need.
- [Scoffs]
Piss on that.
I'm taking a machete.
Thanks for doing this,
Lars.
You're very brave.
Just be careful, all right?
Good luck, Putman.
Better believe I'll be keeping
an eye on you, Mr. Miyagi.
[Chopping]
I know you guys are probably
a little intimidated by
cooking for the whole resort...
but I think youre gonna get
a big kick out of it, okay?
- [Insect Buzzing]
- I bet you watched Yu and Kelly.
And most of it's just common sense.
Like right now...
I'm making my famous
Coconut Pete's Paella.
Can anyone guess
the secret ingredient?
Come on.
Coconut Pete's Paella?
The secret ingredient?
- Coconut... Pete's...
- Eh...
- Coconut?
- Yes, goddamn it! Yes!
Yes!
[Yells]
Jesus! You think Eddie Money
has to put up with this shit?
- [Chopping]
- [Yelling, Indistinct]
Goddamn it!
Coconut Pete's Paella!
Jesus Christ.
What you think?
I think Pete's under
a lot of pressure.
I don't think
we can say for sure. God, I don't know.
- What are you doing?
- Uh, you know.
Just, uh, hanging around,
uh, looking through the window.
Calamari?
- Uh...
- It's an aphrodisiac, Juan.
[Chuckles]
- Oh. Oh!
- What's wrong?
You're not afraid of
a little octopus, are you?
[Muffled]
Thank you.
When you're done here...
I want you to come inside
and find me...
'cause I wanna
wrap my little tentacles around you.
[Chuckles]
Okay.
- [Spits Food Out]
- No way.
Think about it, the octopus.
Look, she's a weird little chick,
I'll give you that.
But, look, it still
doesn't prove that she's the killer.
All right. There is only
one way to find out.
## [Romantic Latin]
- Don't be nervous.
- [Chuckles]
Eh, I just want our first time
to be wonderful.
[Penelope Chuckles]
So I would say that
if youre the killer...
just, you know,
just maybe don't kill me.
Or at least make it,
you know, painless.
With those moves of yours, I bet
you could put me down nice and easy.
- Just, zip, and I'm out, right?
- Look.
The whole reason we're hiding
in this closet is because
we think she's the killer.
- Oh.
- [Penelope] I'm gonna bite you.
- [Juan] Well, not too hard, I hope.
- I really like Juan.
I remember when we first met, I was
kinda like, "Who the fuck is this guy?
Some local guy
comin' down here and..."
[Grunting]
- Mmm.
- [Neck Bones Cracking]
[Knuckles Cracking]
- I haven't been entirely honest with you.
- You mean...
you don't really go
to the Oral Roberts?
Aah!
[Sighs]
I mean...
I just wanted to leave
my past behind me when I came here.
What the fuck are you,
a praying mantis woman?
- [Yells]
- L...
I've never been
to a place like this.
I mean, it's just so free.
Juan, I have spent
my whole life in a gym.
I just wanted to party
like everyone else.
My coach, Orgrav,
would kill me if he found out.
He would hunt me down
like a deranged lunatic.
- He's really scary some...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- You are a gymnast?
- Yeah.
Oh!
Gracias.
- [Penelope Moaning Loudly]
- [Juan Shouting In Spanish]
[Juan]
No tushie! No! No!
[Both Moaning Loudly]
[Juan Moaning Loudly]
- [Penelope Screams]
- [Glass Shatters]
I 'I I be right back.
[Moans]
Okay.
Eh, I 'm still not sure.
I may need a few more hours
to pump her for information.
You asshole!
Now you're just trying to get laid.
How would you like to be stuffed in this
closet while I go out there and have sex?
- That is a great idea.
- [Toilet Flushes]
Shh! Here she comes!
What exactly
are your intentions with Jenny?
You know, Put...
during the Sung Dynasty, there was
a great mystic... Master Tsu Tong Po.
And he once said
something very wise:
"If you love something, set it free.
- If it comes back to you..."
- Fuck off.
It's a bloody Hallmark card.
Just trying to help you, man.
Well, she has taken
quite a fancy to you, hasn't she?
But I have some...
ammunition of my own.
What kind of man would I be if I sat
idly by while you stole her from me?
Do not underestimate me, Lars.
I know things you don't.
All right, Lars,
let's see what you got.
- [Whispering] Look what I found.
- [Gasps]
- Wow.
- Yeah. Shiny.
[Creaking]
Hey.
[Dave]
Oh! I knew it.
Oh, sick fuck.
Dear God in heaven.
[Snoring]
[Putman]
Lars?
[Sword Unsheathes]
Oh, dear God!
[Whimpering]
- [Whimpering Continues]
- [Snarling]
[Grunts, Whimpers]
No!
- No!
- [Squishing Sound]
- [Grunts]
- Huh?
- [Twig Snaps]
- [Gasps]
- You!
- That's right, love.
Now take that stupid bag
off your head and give us a kiss.
- What?
- Advantage, Putman.
Hey...
[Moans]
- [Moaning Continues]
- [Lars] Putman!
- [Babbling]
- Putman!
Putman! Wake up, Putman.
It's a dream! It's just a dream, Putman.
[Gasping]
##[Reggae]
Farewell.
[Laughing, Chattering]
[Dave] Keep it clean,
keep it clean, huh, mister?
That's a point!
That's a point!
Mira! The boat!
[Grunts]
- Whoo!
- Ay Mami! He found the fucking boat!
[Jenny]
Whoo!
Hang on to your kudos.
- Oh!
- She's not going anywhere.
- What did you do to the propeller, man?
- I didn't do anything.
This is the one
that was pulling Carlos.
Well, we could send a group
to paddle out to the mainland.
- We've got plenty of strong guys.
- No chance.
The riptide'll take you out to sea.
[Chuckles]
You'll be drinking your own urine
in less than 20 hours.
- Where's Putman?
- He's not here?
He left last night.
He ran off into the jungle.
- Oh, by "ran off"
do you mean "got killed by you"?
- Ah!
What, did you really think we
wouldn't notice Putman was gone
if you came back with a boat?
- Sam, that's ridiculous.
- Why is that ridiculous?
Hey, look. Putman freaked out
in the middle of the night
and took off into the jungle.
Look, we went into your room
last night, Lars.
Mark David Chapman over here
has a shrine to Pete.
- It's unbelievable!
- So I'm a fan.
A fan?
Man, you're a fucking loon!
Look, nobody here
was killed last night...
because Lars
was in the jungle killing Putman.
Hey, look. I could never hurt
another person, okay?
- I don't believe in violence.
- Mm-hmm.
I touch other people
to make them feel better.
Come on. I have an obligation
to get to the bottom of that...
Come on. I have an obligation
to get to the bottom of that...
- Ay! You are the fucking Fun Police!
- Juan!
- What the hell...
- Come on, take it easy!
Quit your bickering!
Now, we just get through one more night,
the boat will be here tomorrow.
Well be all right. So, come on,
everybody, lets just have a drink...
- and... mellow out.
- I don't want to mellow out, Pete!
I want to know what Lars's deal
is, huh? You come here and
everyone starts getting killed.
Hey, I don't have to tell you shit,
Fun Pig! You wanna Fun arrest me?
You get a Fun-fucking warrant!
Until then...
stay out of my
Fun-fucking face!
Come on!
Jenny, you know
I'm not the killer, right?
Look, Lars,
it's not so bad in here, okay?
- I'll bring you some magazine.
- Yeah.
You familiar
with the expression "sitting duck"?
No.
- You guys, this is totally fucked up.
- Look, Jenny...
if hes the killer,
then we have him in this room.
And if not,
then at least we know it's not him.
[Bird Squawking]
Did it stink?
You bet it stunk.
Oh, shit!
[Laughs]
- Hey, you guys gonna be
hanging around for a while?
- Totally.
We're just getting started.
Anyway, that's my mom for you.
[Laughs]
Any of you guys
have a mother?
Free drinks,
whoever catches me!
- Whoo-hoo!
- [Laughing, Chattering]
- [Water Splashing]
- [Gasps]
Shit.
Oh, God!
[Whimpers, Groans]
[Muffled Scream]
[Snickers]
Your prayers have been answered.
- You asshole!
- Nah, I'm not an asshole.
I'm just young, dumb and full...
What the fuck?
- What?
- Something just brushed
against my leg. What the...
No, there's seriously
something down here.
- What?
- Oh, no, wait!
It's just my gigantic cock.
[Snickers]
[Man On TV]Amy's got
some fantastic advice for everybody.
- Oh, my God.
- So, you want to get it on?
Dirk, get outta the pool!
- Huh?
- I'm not kidding!
- [Jenny] Hurry!
- Hey, that's what I call service!
- Now! Get outta the pool!
- [Gasps]
- [Dirk Yelling]
- [Jenny Screaming]
- [Dirk Screaming]
- [Shrieking]
[Electrical Breakers Banging]
Hey, help me!
[Screams]
Putman! You're alive!
- [Panting, Sobbing]
- You've got your arms around me, Jenny.
I can only assume this means
every other man on the island is dead.
We got to get outta here! Dirk's dead!
He just got electrocuted in the pool!
Really? What was the look on his face?
He must have screamed bloody murder.
[Quivering]
You're scaring me.
I just want to know if smoke
came out of his ears. Is that so wrong?
- [Shudders, Screams]
- Hey! Oh! Putman, where have you been?
Running in circles through
this bloody jungle, that's where.
Thank God you're not dead. Now,
we need to get over to Pete's cabana...
- and get that auxiliary generator.
- Wait, hang on!
If Dirk just got killed,
then Lars couldn't be the killer!
All right now, be on guard.
He might be a little cranky.
Lars! Lars, we're here!
Oh, do give it a rest, Jen.
[Jenny]
He couldn't have.
He's far too large.
We gotta find Pete.
- [Sam] Pete!
- [Creaking]
Pete?
Pete?
You in here, Pete?
Peter! We need the key
to the generator box.
- [Banging]
- [All Gasp]
[Rattling]
[Rattling Continues]
- [Crashing]
- [Yelling, Squealing]
- Damn it!
- Isn't somebody going to get
the fuckin' door?
[Rattling]
- Who's there?
- Who's out there?
- [All Gasp]
- Hey!
I think there's a problem with the lights!
[Zooming Sounds]
- Right?
- [Disgusted Sigh]
All right,
Lars will probably come after us here.
We don't know for sure
that it is Lars.
And we don't know if he got out
or if someone else got in.
What is it with you and Lars?
I'm beginning to wonder
if you aren't in cahoots!
I mean, let's see.
You had sex with Rolo, and he's dead.
You and Cliff, right?
He's dead.
Give me a break. I screwed Juan
and Pete, and those guys aren't dead.
Bloody hell, Jen!
Am I the only one?
All right, let's get back to the case.
What we have to do...
Why dont you drop
the bullshit cop routine, okay, Sam?
Oh, just as soon as you drop the "I've
got nothing to hide" routine, Juan.
Let me guess. You were in here
looking for this letter from
the Encarnacion prison facility?
- What the fuck, man?
- Fuck, why you are doing this, man?
"Juan shows no signs
of the bizarre and horrible behavior...
"that brought him to this institution.
"We believe him to be
fully rehabilitated...
and will be an excellent
addition to your staff."
- What did you do, Juan?
- I did nothing, Jenny.
What the fuck did you do, man?
Costa Rican prison...
that's some hard-core anal action, man.
- Juan, we have to know.
- What did you do, Juan?
- What did you do, Juan?
- [Dave] What the fuck
did you do, man, huh?
- [Putman] What did you do?
- Tell us!
- I did nothing! Huh?
- [Screaming]
- [Juan] El Chupacabra!
- [Jenny] Hey!
- [Juan] No!
- [Sobs]
- [Juan] Oh! Oh, my God!
[Exclaims In Spanish]
- How could you do that?
- Wait, wait!
I did not do this. I'm not a killer.
I did not do this. I'm not a killer.
What the fuck, man?
Then, what is this?
You want to know what I did?
Huh?
You all want to know what I did?
Juan Castillo...
went to jail...
for having sex with a goat.
All right?
What you want me to say?
We lived on a farm!
And I got lonely!
[Sobbing]
We were...
Oh, we were just
a couple of stupid kids.
No, it wasnt Juan.
It was Dave...
wasn't it?
You hated him
for what he did to your parents.
You see,
what none of us did know...
indeed,
what none of us could know...
was that David's parents...
were trampled to death
at a Coconut Pete concert.
What the hell's
wrong with you, Putman?
Everyone knows Dave's parents
got killed at a Pete show.
- [Mouths Words]
- Yeah, way to bring up a sore subject.
- What? L... What?
- [Dave] You think
I could have killed him?
He's my Uncle Petey.
You all saw him as...
a mellow island songster...
and a resort owner, but...
how many of you knew that he...
he was afraid of dogs...
and that his favorite spice
was rosemary?
How many of you knew that...
he was uncircumcised
and smelled of oranges? [Sniffs]
Yes, that's all
well and good, David.
But Ill bet hind to horses...
that you inherit the island.
- The island is already mine.
- What?
Pete signed it over to me last week.
He was going back on the...
on the road where he belonged.
He was forming a super group...
Billy Squier and Eddie Money!
Don Henley was gonna play drums!
Fuck, that would've been tight! Fuck.
He was gonna sell the island
to the navy for test bombing.
But I told him l-I could handle
the responsibility.
- [Bead Curtain Rustling]
- Lars.
No! No!
Pete.
[Convulsive Sobs]
Oh, my God! Pete!
[Sobbing Continues]
- [Retches]
- [Clapping]
Bravo, Lars, bravo.
Very convincing.
Very convincing.
- You fucker!
- Lars! No, stop it! No!
[Overlapping Shouts]
- Stop it!
- Hold it, hold it!
- Let's lock him up again.
- No! No! Stop it!
Stop it!
We're not locking anybody up!
We're all gonna stay together,
in one room!
Look, the boat
will be here tomorrow.
We'll go to the club,
gather all the guests...
and wait until the morning,
and we're going to do this together.
And we're gonna make it
through the night, okay?
Screw this, man!
I'm not going anywhere with Lars.
[Laughs]
Well, I'm not going anywhere with Juan.
- [Dave] Ooh!
- What kind of a man has sex with a goat?
- Hey, I used a condom.
- Oh.
You told me
they were against your religion.
[Chuckles]
Ehhh, you know, I need to find Peenalop.
- I am sure you all understand.
- [Indignant Scoff]
You come anywhere near
my cabana, I'm taking your head off!
Let's get outta here, Dave. Come on,
Dave, let's get outta here, man.
I don't think so.
[Chuckles]
[Crazed Laughing]
- Jenny, you're making
a most grievous mistake.
- [Laughter Fading]
I'm still not sure what happened...
with all that dodgy business
back in the jungle.
But I'm plagued by the dreams.
I believe I'm safer on my own.
- Well, that plan went to hell.
- [Sighs]
[Lars] Well, at least
they left us a torch. [Laughs]
Jenny? Jenny?
[Chuckles]
I believe I know where the generator is.
- [Clicks]
- [Turntables Whirring]
## [Hip-hop]
[Cackling]
Damn it!
He must have taken my swords.
I don't care if I have to carve a spear
out of bamboo, this asshole's...
- Shh, shh, listen.
- No, I'm not gonna shush!
- I'm so sick of running from this...
- ## [Continues]
I thought
we didn't have any power.
- [Distorted]# Naughty Cal#
- Dave?
- # Bongo and Tokey
got tired of livin'on land#
- Dave. Dave?
# So the three amigos
took an undersea trip #
# Never were seen... #
[Jenny] God!
- [Screaming]
- [Phono Needle Scratching]
- It's me! It's me! It's me!
[Record Repeating]
# Die, we're all gonna die #
- # We're all gonna die #
- Holy shit!
Oh, my God!
The lock's broken!
[Gasps]
Oh, my God! He's out there.
Quick, under the bed,
hurry. Come on!
- Go, go! Hurry!
- You'll never fit.
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- [Whimpering]
- [Grunts]
- Come on!
- Hurry! Come on!
- [Grunting Continues]
What are you doing?
Lars, what are you doing? Hurry!
- [Chanting]
- Lars, please!
- Come on!
- [Chanting Continues]
- Lars, come on! He's coming!
- [Abdomen Squishing]
- Oh, my God!
- [Chanting Quickens]
- He's coming!
- [Rapid Chanting Continues]
[Chanting, Grunts]
- Whew!
- Holy shit!
Is that how you escaped
out of that window?
Why dont you
just do that all the time?
Is that a fat joke?
What the hell?
- What the hell, Jenny?
- [Banging]
[Gasps, Shuddering]
[Grunting]
Putman! It was you?
- What? What was me?
- Step back, Putman!
Oh, you actually believe that
I'm the killer. Oh, that's a laugh.
Then what are you doing here?
Well, l just popped by to say...
- Uh...
- You perv.
Really, Jenny, there's a
perfectly reasonable explanation
for all this. I mean...
Well, you see, it seemed like
such a good final memento and...
Well, I... You know how good I think
you look in red, and that little...
- No!
- Oh, dear God! Oh, dear God!
- Where's the key?
- I don't know.
Lock the door!
Lock the door!
[Gasps]
The lock's broken!
Broken?
You've manacled me to my deathbed,
you Piccadilly whore!
- I'm so sorry.
- I could never stay mad at you, Jenny.
Quickly!
Give me the racket! Give me the balls!
- [Lars] Go! Go! Yeah!
- Quickly! Run!
[Jenny]
Get out!
- [Whimpering]
- [Clanging]
Machete Phil! I knew it!
- [Groans]
- [Gasps] Oh, God!
- Oh...
- Oh, God!
- Go.
- N-No!
- Go, dear Jen. Go.
- No!
[Sobs]
Namaste.
Fuck off!
- Come on.
- [Groaning]
I'm sorry.
- [Grunts]
- [Ball Bouncing]
[Groans]
[Putman]Ahhh, you!
I should have known it was you!
- Doesn't surprise me a bit, really.
- Damn it, Putman!
- Who is it?
- I'm sure you think
I'll go down without a fight.
But it's not yet game, set...
- [Blade Slicing]
- [Howls]
- [Slicing Continues]
- [Agonized Groan]
- [Whimpering Sob]
- [Gurgling]
[Body Thuds]
- [Creaking]
- [Footsteps]
[Footsteps Continue]
- [Clattering]
- [Squawking]
[Footsteps Continue]
- [Footsteps Stop]
- [Both Mouthing Words]
[Footsteps Resume]
[Mouthing Words]
[Footsteps Fading]
[Door Closes]
Soap, please.
- [Whooping, Shouting]
- [Bongos]
Hey! Nice helmet, Lars!
About time you two perverts
showed up for the party!
[Laughs]
[Burke]
Pour it! Pour it!
Oh, Jesus Christ!
That's blood!
- What the fuck?
- [Jenny] Oh, God!
Oh, God!
- We're all gonna die!
- [Screaming]
Help! Help!
Penelope!
Where's Juan?
I don't know,
I haven't seen him all night.
What the hell is going on?
[Chuckles]
Juan! Juan!
- Hold on. Hold on.
- What are you doing?
- Let me go!
- Don't move!
Where the hell have you been?
I was looking for Peenalop.
Why you are looking at me like that?
'Cause you disappeared a half-hour ago,
and now you show up covered in blood.
Because I just found Putman.
- He's dead.
- Oh, shit! Sam!
- He's dead.
- Oh, shit! Sam!
- [Screaming]
- [Jenny] Oh, my God!
- [Lars] The mud bath!
- Let's go, Peenalop.
[Jenny]
Oh, God.
[Penelope Groans]
- Oh, no.
- What?
- [Mutters] Oh, fuck.
- Sam. Sam.
- [Whimpering]
- Sam!
[Grunts]
- Get out.
- What?
Get out, now!
- [Screaming, Yelling]
- [Maniacal Laughing]
Did you know that
I can hold my breath...
for three minutes and 33 seconds?
[Chuckles]
Nobody ever suspects
the Fun Police.
- Bullshit. I always have suspected you.
- Bullshit. You did not.
- You are the bullshit!
- [Gasps]
He's the guy from the campfire story...
Machete Phil, the kid with no dick.
No. That's just
an old campfire story.
What do you piss out of,
your asshole?
It's just a story! I have a dick.
I'm not Machete Phil.
I'm Machete Sam.
- [Laughs]
- [Jenny]Sam, why are you doing this?
Oh, I remember it
like it was yesterday.
I asked Rolo if he had any grass,
and he said he didn't have any.
So then I followed him
into the jungle.
- Would you believe what I saw?
- No.
He had grass. My grass!
- [Laughing]
- A huge bag of it.
And he was smokin' it
with those two little hussies...
even though
he said he had none.
So then...
No, wait, that's not it.
I found out that Pete was
giving the island to Dave.
Oh, yeah. That's it.
It wasn't about the grass.
Although that was incredibly uncool.
It was about Pete giving the island
to that little shithead!
All-night raving,
pill-popping little son of a bitch!
What about me? H uh?
I deserved it!
I 'm the best goddamned employee
this place has ever seen!
Dave was gonna run it
into the ground.
Not on my watch!
This is my home.
Pete thinks Im just a clown,
good for fun and games.
Well, I got you guys
to do your jobs, didn't I?
Pretty good managerial skills,
don't you think?
Setting you guys up to decipher
that stupid "Naughty Cal song.
[Cackling]
Who's the orca?
Who's the octopus?
[Singsong] I am the Walrus!
I am the Walrus! I am the Walrus!
- [Yells] Oh! Ooh!
- [Grunting]
Get outta here! Now!
I can't hold him for long.
Try putting him to sleep!
Try the-the Snoring Panda!
I can't reach it.
[Panting] I can handle this.
- He'll orgasm for
another few minutes. Go!
- Ooh.
- I'm not leaving you!
- I'll be okay.
- Get outta here. It's gonna get messy.
- Ooh. Ooh.
- Go.
- Go.
- [Panting]
- Oh! Ohhh!
Oh! Ooh!
- Back to the club!
- Are you crazy?
It's the most secure building on
the island. It's where we keep the booze!
[Shouting, Screaming]
Look out, now.
Oh, oh-oh-oh! There you are!
- [Screams]
- Baba-boobie!
- Peenalop!
- Juan!
Oh, God!
Look, he's after us.
She's safer with them. Let's go!
Let's go!
[Jenny]
Get the gate!
[Sobs]
Oh, God!
[Screams]
Oh, God! Nooo!
- Oh, God!
- Peenalop!
- No! No!
- Peenalop! Peenalop!
- Stop!
- [Panicked Grunt]
God! Stop it!
What are you doing?
- You'll never make it!
- [Penelope] Sam! Please!
- [Jenny] God!
What do you think youre...
- [Grunts] Watch out!
- [Grunts]
- [Jenny] Harder! Harder!
- [Jenny] She can't breathe!
- [Juan Grunting]
- [Juan Groaning]
- Penelope! Get up.
- [Gasps, Coughs]
- [Groaning Continues]
- Ohh!
- Juan! Juan! Juan, get up!
- [Coughing]
- Juan, get up.
Come on! Hurry! Come on!
[Groans]
Oh, God.
It's not a party until
someone breaks the Jacuzzi.
- [Laughing]
- [Screams] Oh, God! Juan!
[Snickering]
[Yells]
[Groans, Coughs]
- Lars!
- [Panting] The Fun...
is done.
- [Groans, Chuckles]
- [Chuckles]
What happened
to the hot tub?
[People Whooping, Laughing]
[Man]
Here we go!
Oh, God!
- [Jenny] No!
- [Juan] No, it's not possible!
- What do we do?
- We can lose him in the jungle.
- The jungle?
- I can get us through!
Come on!
- Hurry!
- Go, go, go, go!
I know where this goes!
Let's go! Come on, quickly!
- [Grunts]
- Go!
Oh, God!
This was your big plan?
We can do it. It's high tide.
All right, now listen.
I know this is going
to sound disgusting, but...
when you jump, keep your legs
together and clench your ass cheeks.
Or else, water will fly up your butthole
and pulverize your intestine.
- Gross!
- [Laughter]
- [Gasps]
- [Sam] Where are you?
- I trust you, Juan.
- I'm coming! I'm coming!
[Gasps]
Jesus!
Who is this girl?
Jesus!
Who is this girl?
She's...
my girlfriend.
[Jenny Yelling]
[Yelling]
[Gasps]
- Did you see it?
- I saw it.
- Oh, my asshole!
- What did you see?
- The Randy Rum runner.
He didn't take it. He sunk it.
Juan, anyway you could
dive down and get the propeller off?
We could put it
on the Smilin Smuggler.
- Consider it done, my friend.
- Come on, let's go.
Come on!
[Jenny Grunts]
Juan!
- Come on.
- In the boat. In the boat.
Oh, God!
Where the hell is Juan?
- Juan? Juan?
- [Jenny]Juan, where are you?
- [Yells]
- [Both Scream]
- Oh, my God, you're bleeding.
- It's okay.
- You should see the other hombre.
- I'll put it on.
- Come on.
- [Grunts]
- [Screaming]
- [Yells]
Juan!
[Whimpers]
It's all right.
It's okay.
I cannot imagine
a more beautiful way to go.
[Coughing]
Just remember, Peenalop.
I love you.
Carajo de mierda!
- I love you!
- [Sobs]
[Gulps]
Maybe...
before I go...
one kiss.
No, no, no.
I meant,
maybe you and Jenny could...
- kiss each other.
- [Chuckles]
I always...
wanted...
to see that.
- [Jenny] Oh, God!
- Juan!
Juan!
- [Yells]
- [Women Screaming]
- [Punch Lands]
- [Squealing Groan]
- [Screams]
- [Grunting]
[Coughing, Gagging]
- [Grunting]
- [Grunting]
- Aargh!
- Come on!
- Son of a bitch!
- [Grunting]
- [Grunts]
- [Yells, Groans]
[Grunts]
- [Cries Out]
- [Groans]
- [Lars] Go! Go, Jenny, go!
- [Engine Revs]
- [Jenny] Whoo-whoo!
- [Yelling]
Shit!
Turn it, turn it!
- Lars, what are you doing?
- Trust me.
- Lars, stop it!
- Come on, come on!
- [Screams]
- Yeah!
- You're bringing us closer to the raft!
- I know.
[Grunts, Yells]
[Screaming]
[Agonized Grunt]
- [Accelerating]
- Ahhhhhh!
[Screams]
Yeah!
- Slowly, slowly.
- Okay.
[Sighs]
We gotta untie these lines.
- [Ferocious Yell]
- [Penelope Screaming]
- Hit it, Jenny! Go!
- [Accelerating]
- [Agonized Groan]
[Screaming]
- Ahhhhhh!
- Yeah!
[Groans, Whimpers]
[All Panting]
[Grunts]
Let's get the hell outta here.
[Panting]
- [Sighs]
- [Relieved Chuckle]
- [Yells]
- [Screams]
- [Sam] Come on!
- [Screaming]
- Oh, come on!
[Growling]
- [Lars Grunting] Die!
- [Groaning]
Son of a bitch!
[All Panting]
They'll probably kick me
out of the Pacifist Club now.
Or at least
ask you nicely to leave.
- [Chuckles]
- [Laughs]
Tian-tu...
- the Heaven Point.
- [Pleasurable Moan]
Oh.
[Gasps, Shuddering Moan]
- Let's go, Peenalop.
- [Chuckles]
## [Man Vocalizing]
## [Continues, Repetitively]
## [Man Singing, Indistinct]
[Laughs]
Gracias, Sheriff!
[Coughs]
- [Laughs]
- Cut it.
- That is so whack!
- Knock that shit off, Juan.
You're gonna cause
a hysterical... thing.
[Laughing]
- That is so cheebah!
- [Chanting]
- [Laughter]
- I just lost it. Keep rolling,
keep rolling, keep rolling.
That is some trick shit!
That is so on time, off the hook!
Tight! And heavy!
That is so...
out of the planet!
- [Laughs]
- [Laughter]
[Howling Laughter]
What other dumb fuckin'
catchphrases can I say?
Man, I can't hear shit. I've been standin'
next to amplifiers my whole life.
- Hello.
- [Laughs]
[Whistling]
- Oh, God, no!
- Oh, God...
- Kinda scared me. Sorry.
- [Cackling]
#Tokey took him
to a sea horse whorehouse #
Which-Which, something.
[Laughs]
Which seemed to suggest, uh...
Fuck, I don't know what it seemed
to suggest. Let me try that again.
# Naughty Cal
Bongo and Tokey#
- Aaah!
- # Got tired of livin' on land#
# So the three amigos
took an undersea trip #
- # And never were seen again #
- [Laughing]
# Started out all right
Went a couple of miles #
# Till they spotted a waterin' hole #
# They had their wits about them
until they were served... #
Here we go, I 'I I do, um...
Okay, ready and action.
But what about the sign
on Cliff's neck?
- It said, "staff only."
I mean, that clearly means...
- [Laughs]
[All Laughing]
- Mark!
- All right, well, tell us, then...
how the hell are we
supposed to do our jobs...
when somebody is killing
the dick out of everybody on the island?
- Yes.
- [Laughing]
- Hey, listen. Listen, sugar britches.
- [Laughing]
- All right. All right. Are we cutting?
- Just-Just do your job.
- No, I'm not cutting.
- Okay, cut it.
- [Laughter]
- [Loud Beeping]
# Bongo chose himself
a pretty prawn#
- # Cal preferred a dolphin #
- # A dolphin #
# Naughty Cal and his pals
ran the waves to somewhere #
[Gulls Squawking]
# Land ho
They blew all their dough #
# And ended up nowhere #
# They pulled their shit together
cleaned themselves all up #
# And they set out on their way #
# They heard some talk
about buried treasure #
# Down in Mango Bay #
# But a big bad orca
and a scary octopus #
# Were guardin ' the riverbed#
# Before you knew it
the fun was over #
# 'Cause Bongo and Tokey
were dead#
# I guess it seems
that everybody's lookin '#
# To find their own paradise #
# But it ain 't on Earth
It's up there in heaven #
# And someday we 're all gonna die #
# La-la-la-la, lala-la-la-la
Lalala-lala #
- Yeah!
- # La-la-la-la, lala-la-la, lalala-lala #
- Come on, everybody!
- # La-la-la-la, lala-la-la, lalala-lala #
- Pass that bong over here! Yeah!
- # La-la-la-la, lala-la-la, lalala-lala #
Whoo! Yeah!
[Laughing]
- Whoo!
- [Waves Breaking]