CMXXIV (2025) Movie Script

1
Welcome.
I'm going to star in a TRT series.
That's the safest place.
Welcome, friends.
This performance is titled CMXXIV.
As you can see up here.
Let me explain what it means.
Since I first started this set in 2024,
we call it "CM twenty-four."
And the reason we spell it
with Roman numerals like X and stuff
is that the Illuminati demand it.
I was going to
put the "24" before the "CM,"
but that could lead
to different expectations.
Yes, ma'am, laugh it up.
One thing I keep hearing is,
"What do women see in him?"
I don't know what they see in me, but
But I can tell you,
they don't have to search for long
to find it.
My friends,
I've been a stand-up comic for so long.
It's been 30 years, give or take.
Expectations are too high,
and my morale is too low.
And my father said,
"Son, things are chaotic.
Be careful who you let in."
This is the way my dad thinks.
As if he's sending
his 12-year-old son to work.
"Be careful who you let in." Nonsense!
My fans are a cut above the rest,
but their expectations are high.
Every single time.
The word on the street
is that Cem Ylmaz lost his touch.
Has anyone not heard that?
"He lost it." "He's losing it."
"I hope he loses it today
so we can see it."
Dude, unless you see me on Survivor,
there's still hope.
If you see me
crawling on the ground for a biscuit,
that's when you should know
things aren't going great.
Since we are living through ugly times,
I'd like to give a little warning
so that people don't feel insensitive.
And these ugly times beget insensitivity.
And I've suffered for it.
In this country,
you can be accused of insensitivity
if you happen to wake up a bit late.
Let's say some fires broke out
in the Aegean region at 10:30 a.m.,
you might wake up at 11:00 a.m.
to some dude cussing at you
for not tweeting.
I was asleep! I didn't do anything.
I was fucking asleep, that's all.
And you don't have friends or supporters
in this line of work.
I saw my big brother just now.
He and Zafer represent
the new generation of comedians.
Have you seen their show?
They perform live.
You need tickets and stuff.
They're good. Go see them. Only 50 liras!
That's the funniest part.
I told him, "I'm excited
since we're recording today."
And my brother said, "We'll hop on stage
if you struggle too much."
But I said I didn't want
to give everyone a 4,000-lira refund.
I was surprised by the sweet things
my son said to me this season.
He's 13 now. He said,
"Good luck with your new season, Daddy."
"I wish you a great European tour.
I heard you have 20 shows."
He specified the number.
And also mentioned
the America tour and everything.
I guess he and his mother have plans.
They thought about everything.
Too bad, right?
I'm not doing that toxic joke.
Because people get mad.
I made a few jokes
about child support payments.
And people went,
"How dare he joke about that!"
Dude, I'm paying it and joking about it.
So I bought the copyright to the joke.
And it was a good joke too, no doubt.
They asked if I gave her alimony,
and I replied
"Alimony? Yeah, all my money."
Get it?
I got divorced.
How long has it been? About 13 years.
I still get baffled
when I see couples in the audience.
I'm not trying to talk you out of it,
but I'm single and very happy.
You two are a couple, right?
How long has it been?
-Eleven years.
-Eleven, huh? Do you have kids?
-Two.
-God bless!
May you see them thrive in life.
Eleven years. So for the past ten years,
your toilet breaks have been extra long.
It starts in the first year.
Playing Candy Crush and stuff.
Men spend a lot of time on the toilet
after the first year.
"Darling!" "Fuck your darling."
Right?
Remember this, sister?
Do you smoke, brother?
Be careful if you smoke on the toilet.
I need to warn you.
You know how there's a little gap here?
You flick your cigarette ash
into that gap.
Be very careful when you do so.
I almost branded myself one time.
Oh, dear.
I'm baffled people are even together.
How can I not be surprised?
They resent and get mad at each other.
Women and men are hostile to each other.
They call my jokes toxic.
Even misogynistic.
"Toxic jokes
Patriarchal discourse and toxic jokes!"
What the hell is "toxic"?
They love to say it.
What the hell is it?
And they always use it on men.
"A toxic man."
You know, in Turkish,
"tok" means "well-fed,"
and "sik" means "dick."
So when you call a Turkish man "toxic,"
it's not possible he will feel insulted.
"Ercan, you are toxic!"
"I mean"
"Thank God."
"I've indeed been keeping it well-fed."
"It's not like
I just came back from military duty."
They call everything toxic.
If you like yourself a little,
they call you a narcissist.
I'm single. Really.
I'm comfortable at home.
When you get home,
she'll ask, "What made you laugh the most?
Did you like the show?"
When I get home,
I'll drop my pants and wander around.
I'll just watch John Wick 1,
John Wick 2, John Wick 3, John Wick 4
It's been a long time
since I spent time with a woman.
I'm not a hater,
but it's tough with women.
Do we have any new couples here?
New experiences and stuff?
Tell me, how do you
maintain your relationship?
I'm extremely curious about that.
I can't do it at my age.
You date a 38-year-old woman,
and they say you found "a young lover."
She is 38!
She's on her deathbed, for fuck's sake!
Women don't understand questions.
You ask, "What would I do without you?"
And she finds it romantic.
No, it's an actual question.
"What kind of things could I do?"
Yeah
You ask, "What did I do to deserve you?"
and she melts!
No, it's a fucking question.
"What the fuck did I do to deserve you?"
I shattered all your hopes. Go me!
I'm divorced. I have a son.
I'm very happy.
My son spent a lot of time with me
this summer.
He's a teenage boy,
so he likes spending time with adults.
Learning new jargon,
doing new things, and stuff.
I got very excited and thought to myself,
"We had so much fun!"
And then something happened
that I never expected to happen to me.
I thought, "I entertained him a lot
and will do so for years to come."
"And it's expensive too."
"But will he take care of me
in the future?"
Do you get the same feeling?
"He should become a doctor
and take care of me."
I didn't use to think that way,
but it crept up on me slowly.
And I asked him,
"Look, we're having all this fun."
"So when your uncle and I get old,
will you take care of us?"
He replied, "If you are in dire need."
That little fucker plans to wet our lips
with cotton balls as we're dying.
In moments like that,
I want him to read my lips.
"Turkish Soldiers' Foundation."
"Turkish Education Association." Exactly.
I can just donate my estate to them.
He and his mother will open my will
and see a cucumber in the envelope.
I won't bat an eye.
My own flesh and blood!
You know what he did?
Have you heard of a website
called "Celebrity Net Worth"?
No? Let's get a new audience.
This Celebrity Net Worth website
contains some trivia.
They show you
how much money people have, supposedly.
"What's Michael Jordan's net worth?"
"2.5 billion dollars."
"How much does Cline Dion make?"
And it tells you.
My son came up to me and said,
"Dad, we looked you up
on Celebrity Net Worth."
Flesh and blood.
I said, "Why even?"
He and his friends looked me up.
And he says, "Dad, we looked it up.
You have 20 million dollars."
I got so demoralized.
Either the website didn't make it
past the Digital Apocalypse of '99,
or they've been
looking at another comedian.
"Are you crazy?" I said.
"I'm carrying 20 mil on me right now."
Then I realized 20 is a lot.
I asked,
"Does your mom know about the website?"
I actually asked about it.
I'm really baffled that you're together.
Because, let me be blunt here,
people despise each other nowadays.
There's animosity between men and women.
And between employees and employers.
People are really fed up with each other.
And with everything that's going on
If you take some time for yourself,
you become an insensitive person
who is oblivious to what's going on.
Because hot topics change rapidly.
So many things to talk about.
So I feel dejected.
And it bothers me
that among all of this,
irrelevant topics make the headlines.
They were saying the other day,
"Artificial intelligence will
take our jobs."
What jobs?
The unemployment rate in Trkiye
is like 30%.
AI would need a fucking relative
in the government to get a job in Trkiye.
It'd say, "Connect me
to one of your router friends."
Who, pray tell, is at risk
of having their job replaced by AI?
I don't have that fear. Who does?
You all need a good night's sleep.
It's Tuesday.
This is how the audience members look.
"For fuck's sake, Cem!
Tell the joke, don't make us work for it."
"Artificial intelligence will control us."
They're not afraid of intelligence
It's always been the case
that intelligent and hard-working peoples
ruled over the rest.
Either with evil intentions or otherwise.
But we are always so passive.
I'm surprised that they're surprised.
Inventing gunpowder
lets you get ahead of other people.
You invent the steam engine,
go through the Industrial Revolution
Of course, those who work on that stuff
will play us like a fiddle.
Why are you surprised?
"Artificial intelligence will control us."
So you don't care that intelligence
controls you, only that it's artificial.
I saw this woman on TV talking about AI.
She seemed to be concerned
only about the artificiality of it.
"Artificial intelligence
will take all our jobs away."
Fake lips, breast implants,
Brazilian butt lift
And she says, "AI will take over!"
Silicon Valley has taken over you already!
Why do you care?
Also, why do we have
such grandiose talking points?
"What will AI do to us?"
Dude, we still haven't figured out
how this orange lighter works.
Forget AI! Has anybody figured this out?
Tell me if you have!
This. How does this enter our homes?
Has anyone ever bought one?
How do they find their way into our homes?
I swear to God!
I have 20 Duponts, and I also have this.
It also has a blue brother.
These are people.
They leave the factory
to get some fresh air.
Even this perplexes us.
It must be some kind of listening device.
This will fuck us over at some point.
I have a lot of compassion for people.
One wouldn't do comedy
without compassion anyway.
And our people are usually
the kind that deserve compassion.
Most of them are good people.
But that compassion stops
when you watch a street interview.
You feel disheartened.
I often get this criticism,
"He doesn't walk the streets much,
so he doesn't get to observe people."
Do you want me to get stabbed in Fikirtepe
just to make you laugh?
As if Dostoevsky owned
a tobacco shop in Esenyurt!
I haven't walked on a street
in the past 25 years!
Even as a kid, I did so rarely.
But I know my people.
Turkish people don't care about themselves
or what's actually going on.
They focus on big stuff.
"There is a big conspiracy going on
against Trkiye!"
Always with this tone.
"They didn't actually land on the Moon."
Okay, fuck it, they didn't.
The other day, I heard someone say
A member of the Rothschild family died.
And he said, "A Rothschild has died.
May he burn in hell!"
He makes window shutters in Saryer.
What could've the Rothschilds done to you?
Did they order shutters and not pay?
What could it be?
Turkish people
always look at the big stuff.
So they have no time left for themselves.
You guys have been on social media
for a long time.
I distanced myself from it.
I quit social media.
On Instagram, people say stuff like,
"Why did you disable comments?"
I was about to lose my mind.
I always see midgets on Instagram.
I don't know if it's because of
my location or the algorithm,
but I keep seeing lots of midgets. Why?
I swear to God,
I didn't know there were that many.
When I was young, we only had seven.
Now it's married midgets,
javelin throwing midgets,
dancing midget family, and such.
They said I needed to break the algorithm.
So I thought about it
and started looking at Brazilian butts.
You know, to break the algorithm.
And all devices are synchronized.
You get sick of midgets on Instagram
and open Spotify.
And right away, it plays Yaln for you.
No way this joke will reach the balcony.
It falls a bit short.
I'm really fed up.
I wanted to spend some time on myself.
And you know how there's this notion
of dedicating yourself to work?
I decided to do that,
and to get healthier.
I have a bit of an edema, see?
I was so demoralized
I got a check-up
at the start of the season
to see if I had any issues.
The doctor said to me,
"Let me say this from the get-go.
Quit drinking."
I said, "I don't drink that much."
He said, "I see you on Instagram."
Everybody thinks we drink a lot.
That's weird, but whatever.
He then told me
to get more sleep and stuff.
He suggested an app.
The application
The app is not just for your phone,
but also for your watch.
You know those sleep helper applications?
Fuck me
if I ever ask you anything ever again.
Don't you know those apps?
They list all your sleep events.
"Coughing at 2:00 a.m.
Breathing difficulties at 3:00 a.m."
You don't even have those?
Does everyone here live on welfare?
"Oh, Mr. Cem, we wouldn't dream of those!"
"Stopped breathing.
Rolled onto your side. Coughed."
"Farted at 3:00 a.m."
"Should we report it to Apple?" and stuff.
That's such a private thing.
I bought it to make things easier,
but it robbed me of my privacy.
Tell me, sir.
Does this happen in a marriage?
A morning report of
who farted, who didn't fart, who burped?
You don't even share that
with your spouse.
And since all devices are synchronized
The watch beeps and gives you
a list of what happened last night.
Not everything, of course
"Last night's report."
"Farted at 3:16 a.m." Okay, fine, got it.
You move on to the tablet, and it beeps,
"Dude, the watch just told me
that you farted at 4:00 a.m."
Where does this end?
I hop on the computer to work,
and it flashes, "I heard what happened."
"Are you going to tell me that I farted?"
"No, I have certain videos"
Unbelievable!
See what I'm dealing with
just because of a little edema?
That's why I quit social media.
What does it even offer anymore?
We are all fed up with make-up tutorials,
the ass jiggling, all that stuff.
I hope you learned
how to do your make-up by now.
I swear to God!
How complicated could it be?
"See? Like this. Do this."
As a professional male of 52 years
You agree, right?
We don't pay attention to it at all.
Why are women so into it?
"I contour like this."
All these years, never have I ever
looked at a woman and gone,
"I fucking love the way she contoured!"
"Incredible shading!"
Why do they put so much effort into it?
You learned it, right?
You got it.
After all those tutorials,
this is the fucking result? Jeez.
Oh, dear
I'm telling you,
they turn people against each other.
"You are the average
of the five people you see the most."
What the hell is this?
It's already hard sifting through people
to spend some time with them.
And now they came up with this bullshit.
"Average of the five"
Now people look at others
to see who weighs down the average.
"Don't invite Nevzat next time!"
I spend time with almost no one.
Honestly, I barely see anyone.
And yes,
I don't usually walk the streets either.
Like I said, I have a private life.
I do see people on the street
in my neighborhood
I live nearby, in Levent.
I'm talking about the 1st Levent.
The real one.
Someone shouted the other day,
"I live in Levent too!"
"Which Levent?"
"The sixth one!"
The part of Levent
that's all in your head.
What kind of bullshit are you spewing?
That's Eyp, not 6th Levent.
That's like calling Esenler
the central Etiler.
I do take strolls around my neighborhood.
I do step outside.
I do see people.
When the political climate gets heated,
we tend to get stigmatized,
they try to put us in a box.
I want to make some political jokes,
but I don't want my classic Mercedeses
to be turned into police cars.
Thanks! I'm going to be on TRT next week.
I took a cab the other day.
I know enough Arabic for it.
The taxi driver said
Yeah, if you are new to Istanbul,
you should download the app at MyArab.com.
It's like Uber,
but it shows you the nearest Arab.
If an Arab is closer to you
than a taxi stand, you stand by the Arab.
The taxi comes and picks you up.
The taxi driver said to me,
"Why don't they put you on TV series?"
It really got to me.
I asked him,
"What series would they put me in?"
Imagine me going
I can't even give a poster-worthy pose,
for fuck's sake.
They wouldn't give me a good role, right?
At least not a great sultan.
No Bayezid or Murad for me,
that's for sure.
Maybe, just maybe,
I can get Cem Sultan's role.
He fled to Rhodes
and sought refuge with the Pope.
Some assholery is going on there,
so I might be a good fit.
I've been in the same neighborhood,
voting in the same place for years.
An elementary school in Levent.
They take our photos sometimes
Not sometimes, almost always!
They caption it,
"He cracks everyone up at the ballot box."
What did I do to crack everyone up?
Maybe they found it funny
that I cast my last vote for Kldarolu.
I mean
How much power do I even have?
As much as you.
It only makes a difference
if we come together.
Even at the ballot box,
they make light of it.
"He made people laugh!"
I didn't do anything.
I just put my ballot in.
What do we do when casting our votes?
We put our ballots in.
And we say, since we're reasonable people,
"Whoever wins,
I hope it works out for our country."
That's the end of it, right? Wrong!
A random auntie on the street
sees you and says,
"You called us sheep,
and we shipped you away!"
Auntie
Why take it out on me?
I'm one of the softest people
you can find. Why get mad at me?
I admit that I think differently than you,
but I'm such an easy-going guy.
"Call us sheep, get shipped!"
Would I ever call you sheep?
Does that sound like me at all?
And she walks so slow
that she stays in my face forever.
Back when I was younger,
zombies in movies walked just as slow.
And if she gets offended
by being called a zombie Good.
In zombie movies,
zombies walk toward you slowly.
What the hell is that?
Is that even a threat?
I thought about it as a kid all the time.
A dead person is walking toward you.
So fucking what? "Graah!"
"'Grah' what, motherfucker? Go away."
I'm alive and agile. Why should I care?
Why are zombies a threat?
Because there's a swarm of them!
And there are more aunties like her.
And there's a dilemma in zombie movies.
You can't shoot the person you love.
You know?
Your loved one turns into a zombie.
You go, "Jennifer, no!"
She goes, "Grahh!"
"Shoot her, Mike!"
"That's Jennifer!"
Is she even Jennifer anymore?
She's all fucked up.
"I can't shoot Jennifer!"
In the same vein,
how can I shoot the auntie?
I lack the harshness some have.
I choose to be a reasonable person.
Let me tell you about harshness.
If there's a zombie outbreak in Trkiye
People are already
at each other's throats.
They would fucking crush the dead.
You'd go out of your way
to bash their skulls in.
"Is that Burhan? Motherfucker!"
You'd see it as an opportunity
that he's turned into a zombie.
There's too much fighting.
We're in the year 2025!
And we still haven't stopped arguing
about animals, let alone people.
How is there still debate in the year 2025
about whether
we should love cats and dogs?
Is that even a question?
"Should we kick street cats?"
"Should we do it?" What the fuck is this?
That's what they're debating!
Remember how everyone tried
to prove their love for animals?
Istanbul is a city of cats and dogs.
But some people end up
having to bear the brunt of it.
But the debates
are always between psychopaths.
At one extreme, an animal hater
who thinks, "Since I'm already walking,
I should kick that."
That kind of maniac.
And at the other extreme,
those who despise human beings.
So we're stuck
between a rock and a hard place.
Have you seen that video
of a woman with her pit bull?
Her pit bull is
literally eating a street cat.
When people alert her, she goes,
"These poor animals
are God's voiceless creatures."
The pit bull is fucking shit up.
And she is romanticizing it
by calling them "voiceless creatures"
or "our four-legged friends."
Everything can sound innocent.
"This Glock is
God's barreled iron friend."
The fuck is this?
Can you believe it?
You can't even love animals in peace.
I'm telling you. On every issue,
it's the psychopaths who debate.
Always two extremes.
And reasonable people watch
from the sidelines like it's Wimbledon.
That sucks, right?
I have two Kangal dogs.
Let me tell you the story
of how we almost got beaten up in Germany.
I have two Kangals. The male is 90 kilos,
and the female is about 65.
And a neighbor had two small dogs,
Cookie and Lucky.
They wore vests and bow ties.
And my Kangals looked like
they just arrived from Sivas.
Kangal owners would know,
they give you this look when chained.
"A metal chain, right?
Dude, you are so naive."
"Please, go ahead and chain me.
I don't mind."
Around 3:00 a.m., Cookie and Lucky
hopped the fence
and our Kangals were amazed
to see dogs with bow ties.
"Why the hell are they wearing bow ties?"
And these little ones
were barking at 3:00 a.m.
But the Kangals were busy figuring out
how to make a living in Istanbul.
"Should we become airport taxi drivers?"
When they kept barking like this.
At some point, our boy had enough
and said, "Dude, just go away."
But they kept barking,
so he said fuck it and
I felt like a murderer.
I ran there as fast I could.
It's my responsibility after all.
You know how people ask,
"Does the dog bite?"
"No, he sits down to debate you!"
Of course it bites!
Dogs communicate with their mouths.
So yeah, of course they bite!
You know how it is.
You're walking the dog.
"Does he bite?"
Ask the dog!
Do you ask the dog about me?
"Does he give you hope
and then leave you?"
Does that ever happen? No.
Now
These little dogs
got themselves in trouble.
Barking like this.
I felt like a murderer.
I was told it was a gnarly scene,
"Your dogs roughed up the neighbor's."
I felt like a murderer.
And that's the normal reaction.
I apologized profusely
and asked what I should've done better.
And the guy was really nice.
He said, "It's our fault, Mr. Cem."
"Our fence is apparently too low.
It is our dogs who broke free."
"They hopped the fence
into almost certain death."
I asked to see Cookie.
He said, "He won't shit today,
maybe tomorrow."
I asked about Lucky.
He said, "Lucky is fine."
"We just changed his name to Unlucky."
Nothing too bad.
People don't get it.
I told this story in Germany
and got heckled by an auntie,
"God damn you! Whose side are you on?"
"Kangals don't do that!"
"They are God's friends from Sivas."
She said, "I'm from Kangal too."
How is that an argument? I said,
"Well, since you're a different species"
They are dogs.
"I'm from Kangal.
Kangal dogs don't do that," she said.
It's a fight between pro-animal extremists
and pro-human extremists.
It's a tough situation.
We almost got beaten up.
And everybody is required
to prove their love for animals.
I mean People should be held accountable.
Any dog owners here?
I'm not gonna ask again.
In the 90s, I asked people
why they kept dogs.
Nowadays, while there are still people
who do it out of love,
buying a vest and a bow tie
doesn't make you an animal lover.
In many resort towns,
they buy Cookies, Luckys, Cinnamons
for their kids
and put bow ties on them
only to leave the poor dogs behind
when the season is over.
Abandoned.
"Why did they put a bow tie on me?
All I needed was some fucking love."
You know it's true.
Do you have a dog?
No? Zero dogs?
Anyone here with a dog?
-What kind is it, brother?
-Golden.
Golden retriever.
The apple of the family's eye.
-Why are you keeping a dog?
-It's just a useless dog.
A useless dog?
Do you expect him to fucking rob a bank?
This isn't a movie, you know?
"Don't worry, bro.
It'll be a clean robbery."
I once asked a woman
what kind of dog she had.
She said German shepherd.
"Why are you keeping one?" I asked.
She said, "Protection."
Not security, protection.
There must not be any pharmacies around.
They put the dog by the bedroom door.
He growls at the husband
if he comes nearby.
Protected for that month.
That's gotta be it.
I've had a dog for a long time.
Cats are a whole other world.
I don't understand it.
Any cat owners here?
They'll give you attitude tonight.
"Where have you been all night?
God damn you!"
Cats are so weird!
They act like we are their guests.
Poor dogs,
they at least try to entertain you.
Give them treats and they ask,
"Should I do tricks?"
"Should I jump, sir?"
Cats don't give a fuck.
"Food?" "Yes. Food. Whatever."
"Shitface."
My girlfriends usually have cats.
I mean in the past.
I don't have girlfriends anymore.
There are no women my age.
No woman is 52 years old.
Cats are so weird.
It's doubly weird
if you're newly dating and she has a cat.
You go to her place for the first time.
Her cat rubs on you, and she says,
"Wow! Smoke loves you!"
Thank God!
That's the first step.
And you get hyped up if she says,
"She usually doesn't approach people."
"Fuck yeah!
I'm gonna fuck her tonight for sure!"
"She doesn't approach people."
She offers you some snacks,
opens a wine bottle.
A bit of cheese, some dried meat.
You wouldn't know about those either.
God damn you all!
Our country is in such bad shape!
I should rewrite some jokes.
"A quarter of a loaf of bread and"
"You go to her place,
and she offers you bread
with a bit of cheese and olives inside."
She offers you snacks. Smoke rubs on you.
She asks, "You don't mind, right?"
Your pants are covered in fur, but
"Smoke! You cute little piece of shit."
When she goes to the bathroom
or to the kitchen to get more wine,
you go, "Get the fuck away from me."
And then it's time for some foreplay,
some kissing and stuff.
I hate pets
that don't leave the room during it.
You are kissing,
and the cat just stares at you.
It happened to me a few times.
Pets that don't leave the room
while you make love.
I remember one English bulldog
who kept staring like this.
Why the fuck are you so surprised?
You lift your legs up
to lick your own balls.
And this is what puzzles you?
I swear to God!
There is this famous saying.
I think it goes,
"My love for animals grows more
as I get to know people."
So disingenuous.
"How many people do you know?"
"Two."
"How many cats do you have?"
"47." I mean
Some people have no sense of balance.
I'm being sincere when I say
that I get there is no hierarchy in love,
but you should test people who are hurt.
For example, some guy is saying
that he lost his father,
and you're saying,
"And we just buried Cinnamon."
He just said his father died!
"Cinnamon was so precious to us!"
That's my father!
How old was Cinnamon? 14.
Well, it was about fucking time he died.
Cinnamon never promised you 64 years.
"We buried Cinnamon."
I'm talking about my father.
Don't you get it?
Just because my dad doesn't bring back
the stick you throw
doesn't mean
he is any less precious than Cinnamon.
Some people can't weigh things correctly.
And we should distinguish
real love for animals from fake.
I'm not a hater,
but I witnessed it firsthand.
Two years ago in Gmlk,
I saw some girls from Istanbul, Kadky
wearing baggy batik pants.
Their dogs are wandering around.
And people were very welcoming of animals.
It was a very pet-friendly space.
Cinnamons, Cookies, and Daisies
were all so happy. Nice atmosphere.
Girls talk to their Daisies
Everyone is happy.
The dogs even had swimsuits.
They were so happy.
I saw a tattoo on her that read,
"Life is a journey" in English.
I was like, "Wow!"
She got it all figured out!
Translated, it would be
You don't even speak English?
Weren't you all saying,
"Cem Ylmaz lost his touch"?
Maybe the audience is to blame!
"Life is a journey."
I was like, "Wow, this is so
easy to remember.
Why did you get it tattooed on your arm?"
Imagine going, "Life What was it?"
"It's a journey, right?"
"Let me get it tattooed
so I don't forget."
"And I'll get the grocery list
tattooed here."
Daisies and Cookies were so happy.
And then, one poor dog arrived.
A real dog.
The butcher's dog Cotton came.
It saw other dogs getting love,
so it wanted some too.
It was a bigger dog,
the alpha of the group.
He growled a bit.
They almost lynched poor Cotton!
"How fucking dare you bully
a small dog like Lucky?"
I witnessed all of that firsthand.
"I know animals."
"I know people too. Animals are better."
Which animal do you know?
What animal do you know
besides your own pet?
We have this image of animals
ingrained in our minds by fables.
"Foxes are sly." "Crows are blah blah."
"We need to save the whales."
Where do we get these from?
Why would you throw soup
at a Rembrandt to save the whales?
I saw that protest. They threw soup
at a centuries-old Rembrandt painting.
The whale would be mortified if he knew.
It'd say, "This is a disgrace!
I'm going to be dead next week anyway."
"At least leave the painting alone."
My God!
We just remember fables.
"Foxes are sly." What did they achieve?
As if foxes built a hotel
on a virgin cove!
What did they do?
They just steal some chickens
if you leave the hen house open.
I don't think we know animals well.
Foxes are sly, lions are kings,
rabbits are blah blah
Who are they?
Which animals do you actually know?
Do you know
what a seahorse does for a living?
Does anyone know?
Balcony peasants
don't even get the question.
They're shocked.
"There are horses in the sea?"
"I wouldn't know. We don't own a TV."
Seahorses are really weird creatures,
you know?
Males give birth!
Exactly, brother.
You sound so hyped up about it.
More accurately, they are genderless.
They can switch genders at will
and impregnate themselves.
I'd like to have that technology.
Wouldn't it be amazing
to pay child support to yourself?
I shouldn't joke about genders
since this will air on Netflix.
You like those jokes
only when foreign comedians make them.
None of my business
Any transgender person here?
No answer, of course.
You wouldn't even tell me the time.
"Is there any transgender person here?"
"Yes, there is. But forget about it."
I'm not against gender-affirming surgery,
but I find their interviews absurd.
I saw that one of them said,
"Are there even any men left?"
Well, you took one away, you lunatic.
I'm fine with them
transitioning into women.
That's a win for us.
It just bothers me
when a woman transitions into a man.
I mean, we
I respect them, of course.
How could I not?
It's such a big decision.
Could you get yours cut?
And some people get a new one!
My point is, it's a tough situation.
It's hard to prepare for it
physically and mentally.
I just have a beef
with the man that she transitioned into.
You put so much effort in becoming a man.
You feel comfortable in that body, right?
You should've also prepared mentally
to be an ideal man.
First week after their surgery,
they give an interview.
"How is it going?"
"I'm a jealous dude."
They haven't even removed
the stitches yet!
"I won't let my girlfriend
wear a miniskirt."
Dude, your wardrobe is still full of them!
So I really don't like
that part of their transition.
Seahorses are weird animals.
There are so many weird animals
we don't know.
Everyone has a favorite animal.
My older brother and I
went to the Berlin Zoo once.
That was probably 20 years ago.
We arrived too early, around 7:30 a.m.
Even the animals weren't there yet.
I swear to God!
And the woman at the booth
sold us tickets.
We entered. No animals!
She must've thought
we were there to surrender.
Like, "Go ahead. Find yourself a cage."
We entered the zoo, and nobody was around.
After like half an hour,
they brought in the animals.
Rhinos, monkeys, giraffes
The animals looked surprised.
They were like,
"Oi! Do you see the fucking time, mate?"
They were caught off guard.
My chimp impression is good, no?
Right? Admit it, it's a good impression.
No, don't
It's no wonder I can pull it off.
I have all the material at hand.
I wouldn't be able to pull off a swan.
The apes came in.
My God!
That silverback was a sight to behold!
The gorillas caught my attention.
They were behind a glass pane.
I approached their enclosure.
Have you ever looked a gorilla in the eye?
We can't even talk about cats,
let alone silverbacks.
"You are so adventurous, Mr. Cem!"
I was so captivated
by the way the gorilla looked at me
through the glass.
My brother said,
"It's been half an hour."
"Let's go see the rhinos
and camels and stuff."
I said, "I'm busy with the gorilla."
He kept looking at me like this.
You had to be there.
It was as if
the gorilla was trying to say,
"God put me here
and you there."
"This is how it is this time."
He looked so sorrowful.
And you could tell that the fucker
had seen Planet of the Apes.
Looked like he was trying to say,
"We will fuck you all up."
I couldn't take my eyes off him
for half an hour.
And then the gorilla said,
"My mother birthed me on a rainy day."
"The heavens were crying at my arrival."
"Could a newborn babe be a sinner?"
"Then why has my life been damned?"
Turns out I dozed off and it was a dream.
I dreamed it all.
In reality, he just did this.
And flung his shit at me. That's all.
But they look incredibly sorrowful.
Remember them?
I see them in documentaries.
Documentaries were so straightforward
when I was little.
Now they're sophisticated.
It used to be, "Monkeys do this."
"Pandas eat eucalyptus leaves
and bamboo sticks like this."
"Zebras are crossing the river."
Now Netflix documentaries
are so sophisticated.
Where are those Netflix representatives
that I talked to earlier?
Was that also not real?
I remember some people boycotting Netflix.
Any boycotters here?
They are saying,
"Don't watch Netflix.
They're trying to make all of us gay."
It's true, you know.
I'm telling the truth.
I would know, I work with Netflix.
They did so many home visits.
One day the doorbell rang.
I looked through the peephole
and saw three naked men.
"Why are you here?" I asked.
He said, "Tu-dum!" Well
Fill in the rest.
I remember the boycott.
"Netflix is trying to make us gay!"
"Netflix is gonna turn us into faggots!"
It's all true.
You guys don't read the user agreement.
You know that agreement?
The terms and conditions.
It's all there
at the bottom of the document.
It reads, "I'll turn you all into faggots"
in fine print.
And in parentheses, it reads,
"If you have it in you."
If you don't, they'll move on.
You should watch
Netflix's sophisticated documentaries.
But they're too sophisticated.
They place an 8K camera
on a honeybee's ass.
You feel like you are making the honey.
It's too much.
It used to be straightforward,
not sophisticated.
And there's this British dude
who narrates it all. Who was it?
Oh God!
I fucking swear
I'll do my set in Konya.
They get me there.
He must be in his 90s.
I think he's 89, actually.
I can't watch it
because of all the saliva.
He keeps on narrating.
But it's all too complicated.
You migrate alongside an albatross.
You live among the ants in their colony.
It's that close-up!
It's too much.
I watched a documentary
about the life
of a troop of silverback gorillas.
But they make it too soap opera-like.
They dramatize the events
to help us understand.
"Little Mario is confused."
"Let's see what Jesse does."
Who the fuck are they?
"Mario is confused," they say.
And you see Mario
trying to find a spot to shit in peace
after devouring a tree whole.
How much does a silverback gorilla weigh?
Must be around 300 kilos.
He has four females
that he needs to mate with.
He needs to guard the elderly.
And defend his crown against the young.
So many things going on!
And they put eight cameras there.
We always see Mario going,
"Go away, brother."
"We got work to do. Chop chop!"
But the cameras continue recording.
"Who the fuck is that?"
"Are you Jesse?"
"They've been calling me Jesse
for two seasons now."
"I'm going to mate.
That's why I keep beating my chest."
"Tell this old dude to get
all the fucking cameras out of here."
"Who are these guys?
Are they from National Geographic?"
"Netflix, boss."
"And Netflix doesn't leave
until they get the material."
Oh God!
"Fuck off! Go on, git!"
"Netflix, huh? Jesse, come here."
"Bend over."
"Boss?"
"Stop fucking calling me boss."
"Bend over. I'll just graze lightly."
"For the season finale."
"Boss, please!"
"Shut it. Let them record it and go away."
"Get this."
And as you watch it,
David Attenborough says,
"This species usually does not mate
with members the same sex. But"
Well, they've fucking had it up to here.
Can you blame Mario?
Mario
Mario is trying
to compete with Squid Game after all.
He needs to do something interesting.
God!
I had my own adventure with a chimp
on my movie A.R.O.G.
That's where I learned these moves.
They said,
"He's too intimate with the chimp!"
Dude, inside that chimp
was an acrobat girl from Argentina.
And I only care about inner beauty.
The reason I do a good imitation
might be due to my family roots.
Remember when they allowed us
to check our family tree
on the government website?
It was all the rage
when it first got released.
Everyone checked their roots.
I don't know if you have.
But I certainly did.
Turns out, my family tree has no branches.
Some people know their roots.
"I can track my roots
back to the 14th century."
"My maternal ancestors were from"
But mine are all normal dudes.
Regular folks.
My father is from the village of Eskihamal
in Grn, Sivas.
And I only saw my paternal roots
going back to the 1840s.
They never moved away from their village.
This is the extent of their movement.
Rather than a Migration Period,
they did a Migration Circle.
And my mom's family
came from Thessaloniki.
I tracked them back to the 1790s.
There were no warriors,
no distinct characters.
No commanders or members of the cavalry.
Zero heroes of any kind.
And, you know
I was just holding a sword,
and it didn't even suit me.
Some people are glued to the TV like this.
"We are the seeds of the Ottomans!"
Resurrection: Erturul and stuff.
I have nobody in my family tree
who could be considered a hero.
I'm baffled
that they even managed to survive.
And I'm talking about
both my maternal and my paternal sides.
They aren't the fighter-type at all.
And the sword really doesn't suit me.
I've held swords for movies.
Remember Dry Murad?
I rode horses and stuff.
But I find it too harsh.
When did we Turks conquer Anatolia?
In 1071, right?
I would've liked to have an ancestor
who fought in that battle.
But this is too much.
Wouldn't it cause a lot of pain?
How could you strike someone with it?
If I were in that battle,
I would've suggested talking first.
"Should we take the fortress?"
"We can do without it."
I would've fled at the first opportunity.
I find this too hard.
It's not sharp, but Here, feel it.
Isn't it weird?
Maybe there's a professional murderer
in the audience.
But to me,
it feels so odd to stick this in someone.
We have that cinematic image in our heads.
You strike and heads fly through the air.
You stick it, take it out.
How is that okay?
In that Dry Murad episode,
alar's character said,
"You could die of stress
in the Middle Ages!"
Heads being hurled into the air. So rough!
Nowadays, you cry "Mobbing!"
when someone at the office
gives you the side eye.
Now imagine actual battles.
Everyone is stabbing everyone.
You chop some heads off.
And just like his wife,
your old lady goes, "Why the long face?"
"I'm covered in blood, woman!"
I couldn't live like that.
And I'm not ashamed to say it.
People in this day and age
still kill each other.
So, anyway, I'm really surprised
that my bloodline survived.
My family.
How have we not died off
when I can't even imagine
engaging in such brutal acts?
"Take that, fucker!"
I can't do that. It would hurt them!
And it's not enough to ride a horse.
Have you ridden one?
You have to hold and swing a sword
all the while riding the horse.
Forget about chopping off heads
in a cinematic way,
even a grazing sword would hurt.
The battle is over for you.
There is no Batticon or anything.
The wound will fester.
So horrible!
I watched a movie the other day.
What was it called? Bonaparte?
No, Napoleon by Ridley Scott.
You know how in battles
5,000 people on each side
charge at each other?
It's so scary. Imagine being at the front.
Yelling, "Libert!"
You are at the front.
You'll turn to mush soon.
What "libert"?
"For France, motherfuckers!"
We have something nobler.
It's really good.
They yell, "Allah! Allah!"
But you can sense a bit of doubt there.
"Allah! Allah?" I mean
"Allah will guide us, right? Right?"
I can't imagine myself in that situation.
Can you?
All that heroic talk is fun and games
unless you're at the front.
"We will conquer Vienna!"
"Here, you first."
I'll take the third rank, deal?
Let me get back to the fourth rank.
All those epic battles
I can't imagine myself there.
Remember in Troy
when 50,000 archers lined up?
"Archers!"
"Archers!"
"Did he say loose?"
"Loose!"
"What is loose?"
All the movies in the past 20 years
use pretty much the same shot.
A cloud of arrows darkening the sky.
It's almost as if
they have a plug-in for it.
"Archers!"
Like in Troy.
I just wouldn't shoot.
Fuck it, let God decide their fates.
Twenty thousand arrows.
It's not like they count them all.
Right?
I can just imitate the sound.
And I wouldn't even move
if the enemy shot first.
I think everyone deserves to live.
And I couldn't flee either.
I wouldn't be able to live myself.
Why the fuck would I try to run?
An arrow will either hit me directly
or bounce and lodge itself in my ass.
I'm sure of it.
It's so weird.
War is tough.
It's so tough.
I'm glad I didn't live back then.
The government asked me
to tell you about those times.
So that you'll be more grateful.
It's true.
And
How can anyone pour
boiling oil on someone?
It sucked from the Stone Age
all the way through medieval times.
Pouring boiling oil onto a person!
How consumed are you with anger?
"Don't let them take the fortress!"
Just fucking let them.
If all those armed men are marching here,
just let them take it.
Boiling oil!
Imagine being there to conquer Istanbul.
You climb up the Silivri Gate.
Your troops have already taken
the land where Topkap Palace now stands.
The emperor is dead. But the news
hasn't reached the Silivri Gate.
And you are at the top of the ladder.
And Christos stares at you.
"Hey, vre, what are you doing, vre?
"Don't fucking pour it!"
"We conquered Istanbul already! Aargh!"
I can't carry Bepanthen on my ass
during the whole conquest.
Think about the pain!
It's important to have compassion.
But nobody has it anymore.
How can people be killing each other?
I can't wrap my mind around it.
Maybe it's my own flaw.
It's my 30th year in this industry.
And there's one thing that bothers me.
Society became ruder over time.
When I was younger,
I was kind of a delinquent.
We were troublemakers.
Now the bar has sunk so low
that we are the elite ones.
What does elite mean in Trkiye nowadays?
You are now elite
if you can wash your ass,
stop at red lights, go at green,
reciprocate when someone says
hello or good morning.
I'm called an elite!
My father is Arif from Tophane.
I'm far from being elite!
But the bar has sunk.
Everyone is so rude.
And what's the cause of all this rudeness?
Movies and series that we produce!
It's so easy to blame all the evil on us!
Femicide?
"People see that on TV series!"
"They just copy what they see."
People acting like the mafia?
All because of TV!
All that weirdness? TV to blame!
Violence? It's TV, of course!
They seize eight tons of cocaine
at the Port of Mersin.
"It's all because of TV!"
How powerful are these series?
And they say
that in my movies and stand-ups,
I teach people to curse. Really?
As if nobody curses in the streets!
They all learn it from me!
I resent that so much.
I've been trying to explain it for years,
but to no avail.
They also put you in such a tough spot.
Like you all gather here to hear me swear,
then go laugh about it at home.
"That was a fucking blast!"
This is just the way I talk.
Like I'm talking to a friend.
I may use some bad words, but who cares?
"But is this a work of art?"
How would I know?
Is Michelangelo's sculpture of David
a work of art?
It stands 5.5 meters tall in Florence
and looks like it's made of velvet.
My David impression isn't quite as good.
My body looks more like a Mahmud.
It's 5.5 meters tall!
And with the pedestal,
it must be around 13-14 meters tall.
It towers over you.
Such a marvel of design!
But if you look at it from the ground,
you see nine kilos of balls.
Right?
"Did you like David?"
"His balls were all out!"
If you look from below, you see balls.
From eye level, you see David.
This is the way things are.
The streets are in turmoil.
Everyone is so rude.
In the last five to ten years,
violence against doctors has peaked.
Can you believe it?
Violence against doctors is now common.
I'll tell you why that is.
In Trkiye, there has been
a figurative war in the last ten years.
A war against knowledge
and those who wield it.
I used to tell a joke
about Faruk Pharmacy 15 years ago.
Does anyone remember it?
Does anyone not remember it?
What was the punchline there?
Our parents' generation
grew up with this saying,
"There is no shame in not knowing,
only in not learning."
In our times, it was,
"We don't know, but we'll pretend we do."
We laughed at that 15 years ago.
Just say you don't know.
Why would you pretend?
Nowadays, it is,
"So fucking what if you know stuff?"
That's the tone right now.
Like, a doctor knows stuff, right?
Then comes this ignorant guy who says,
"You did the bypass all wrong,
you motherfucker!"
"Why did my grandma die?"
He knows how a bypass is done,
how a tumor is removed.
He knows it!
And the doctor cannot convince him
with his knowledge.
He's on a different frequency.
He thinks he's the alpha
and the doctor is a beta.
So he likes challenging the doctor.
He can't do the same thing
to someone from his own social class.
They can't lecture plumbers
like they lecture doctors.
So weird, right?
Even though the plumber is vulnerable,
with his ass crack out in the open.
But if you say,
"You placed the pipe all wrong,"
the plumber will place
the pipe up your ass.
So their frequencies match.
This is all scientific.
And I might have a bit of a foul mouth.
But they try to blame everything
on our swearing.
We aren't even swearing.
We just use
the appropriate adjectives and phrases.
My father is 80 years old.
And he is such a mischievous and witty guy
who uses lots of swear words
in his anecdotes.
But I've never seen him
actually insult someone.
I'm the same way.
But people are so rude!
Children swear,
women swear,
fans in stadiums swear en masse.
But I'm being ostracized
for having used a bad word
when telling a joke.
Like, come on. Stop being mean to me.
Think about the stadiums Bro, I never
You know which team I support.
Let's not get into that.
I can't even support my team
without being scolded for it.
My son doesn't really care about football.
One day, my son and I were
playing on the PlayStation.
We were alone in the house.
It's a true story.
Well, we weren't alone,
we also had a robot vacuum with us.
Remember how popular they became
a few years back?
I think it was
about three to five years ago.
We all bought one. Myself included.
It scans the house first
and then starts cleaning.
I let it loose years ago.
It still hasn't returned.
It's still scanning.
I'm alone with my son.
He's playing SpongeBob.
There's a SpongeBob game on PlayStation.
And I was in the room
while he was playing.
And at some point,
he couldn't beat a level or something
and got furious.
He asked, "Daddy, may I swear?"
We were alone. A dad and his son.
Please be understanding.
Since there were no women in the house
None. Zero women.
I checked every single room.
No women at all.
Not even a residue from old days.
I said, "Since we're both men here,
go ahead and swear. I'm curious."
Man
The things he said
about SpongeBob's mother and sister
He made SpongeBob spin in the air twice.
You know those pores on SpongeBob?
A few of them is my son's doing.
I said, "Press Options right now
and go to the menu."
"This is way too much.
Where did you learn all this?"
"It's too naughty."
"All those words aren't okay at your age."
"Those are swear words, yes."
"You can learn their meaning,
but shouldn't say them."
"That was way too much.
Don't do it again."
He said, "You say that, Dad,
but kids at school say much worse!"
And I got curious.
"What do they say?" I asked.
He said, "Kids at school
even say stuff like 'stupid.'"
You learned all of that,
at least learn their hierarchy as well.
Imagine equating saying "stupid"
to detailing what you'd do to their mom!
He didn't learn it. Like his mom.
I hate all the yelling and shouting
in stadiums.
There's a sports event going on there.
And those people are very talented.
They aren't like us.
And people shout,
"Fucking run, you fucker! Kick it!
Fuck your mother's cunt!"
What the hell?
And this is something
that's really hard to change.
Because you've all done it at least once.
But I can't do it.
I have heterosexual dyslexia.
Do you know
what heterosexual dyslexia means?
When I'm with my same-sex friends,
participating
in a group ritual or activity,
I can't really adapt.
I can't learn and practice
that ritual properly.
Cursing together, for example
"Fuck your mother's cunt!"
I can't do it.
That's why I never go to games.
I have such a hard time.
I took my son to the Olympics in Paris.
Oh, poor you.
In the Olympics, we saw someone famous
from the football scene.
I don't know him well.
And my son was only ten at the time.
He patted my son's head
and, as adults do, asked,
"Which team do you support, little guy?"
My son replied,
"I don't watch Turkish football."
"Ball-in-play times are abysmally low."
The guy was like, "Holy fucking shit!"
He thought my son was radioactive.
Like I was saying, you go to a game,
you see a perfect gentleman or a lady
curse their head off.
I just can't do it. It's true.
I first noticed
I had heterosexual dyslexia
in 1989, when I was 19
No, not 19. I was 16.
I went to a Beikta game with my friends.
You know how people
hold each other and chant together?
We were behind the goal.
A bunch of high schoolers.
That's when I first understood
that I wasn't cut out for it.
They started a chant going,
"I can do without a million dollars
to my name"
I said, "Go fuck yourselves."
What kind of a dream is that?
Why would you manifest that?
God will hear us!
Shout "I can do
without a million dollars,"
and God will make sure
to never give it to you.
Why would the 16-year-old me shout
"I don't want a million dollars,"
alongside 50,000 strangers?
We have different dreams.
I mean, Ali Ko is also shouting,
"I don't want to have a million dollars."
Because he already has billions.
He doesn't want to go down to millions.
But standing there with cheap snacks
and not wanting dollars is odd.
You don't have money anyway.
I just said "dollars," right?
Not "millions." That's how dire it is.
People swear a lot during games.
And since I'm a "celebrity,"
wherever I go
Rather, wherever I went,
since I don't anymore.
When I used to drink some raki
in Develi before the games
People loved seeing me.
"You are our big brother Cem!"
"Let's lift him!"
"Big brother Cem!"
"Oh, kiddos"
"You are our beloved big brother Cem!"
Like they lifted me up
to change my fucking oil.
"Big brother Cem!"
"Oh, kiddos!"
I'm 52 years old, man.
If I'm going to be felt up like that,
I wanna choose who gets to do it.
And I couldn't go back the next week,
lest they say,
"That faggot really likes this."
"This is why he's here," they'd say.
And I hate one more thing.
Let's say we lose As always.
After the loss, as I'm walking to my car,
someone says,
"3-0! Thanks for bringing bad luck!"
Am I the fucking center forward
of Fenerbahe?
I'm just a poor spectator like you.
"Big brother Cem!"
It's so bad.
But they really are a resilient group.
Don't think that my innocent commentary
can ever stop people
from using swear words in games.
That kind of thinking
reminds me of an old joke of mine.
A Saint-Joseph alumnus
in the military canteen going,
"Don't swear, you dicks!"
This is very similar.
I can't fully explain myself.
And nobody actually believes
that I feel this way
because I do use swear words.
But swear words must have a purpose.
They can be used for comedic effect
when talking about someone.
But don't yell at a football player,
"Go wider, you motherfucker!"
"We'll fuck you guys up!"
Is this a rule of football?
Isn't it enough to score goals
to win the game?
"We'll fuck you guys up!"
Is there a separate tally for that?
"We won 4-0, but we failed to fuck them."
Is that a thing?
Then why must they swear?
This is all true.
I'm really sorry, sister.
You seem uncomfortable with this topic.
You are hearing stuff
you've never heard of before.
Wait, no. That sounded like an insult.
-Have you ever been to a game?
-Me?
No, kiddo.
I'm talking to the women behind you.
There are people other than you, kid.
Why did you marry this selfish person?
"Me? There are other people? Where?"
-Have you been to a game?
-No.
Believe me,
you would have a really hard time there.
It's ugly what goes on there.
Ladies swear as well!
And they insult personally!
"Number six, I'll fuck you up!"
Even though she doesn't have the hardware.
They stripped the word of its meaning.
There's a saying,
"Are you just bad with numbers,
or have you never been beaten up?"
I've been on a football field.
There's more to it,
but generally, a football field
is 100 meters by 45 meters.
And he yells at a midfielder,
"Go wide, motherfucker!"
Just fucking look at it!
Have you been on a field?
You'd wanna hail a cab
from midfield to the goal.
And the cab driver
wouldn't reject the trip for being short.
"Run," he says!
Meanwhile, the players' hearts
are like this big.
But people have no respect for talent.
Look, friends. I've been to some games
in Spain with my son.
We like to go sometimes.
We watched the Barcelona-Valencia game.
It was like a billiards match.
This is how fans watch it.
Ol!
The end score was 7-1.
Goal! Ol!
There was no "Fuck your mother!"
No "We will fuck you up!" Nothing.
Just good old clean football.
I was amazed.
I swear, there is no chance we can fix it.
So I swore off going to football matches.
I don't like people shouting,
"We will fuck you!"
like a bunch of 9-year-olds.
A man shouldn't be seen doing that.
Same goes for a woman.
Why do they think about sexual acts there?
I think I figured it out.
Since I do those things at home,
I don't think about it at the games.
It's just football.
Goal, penalty shot, offside
Do all that "fucking" stuff at home
and then come watch the game.
Do those things
when you aren't watching football.
It's so weird. It is.
I said I wouldn't go,
but the sound guy for our movies
managed to convince me.
Levent said,
"Why don't you come to the games, Cem?"
"We are going to Lisbon, Portugal
for the Benfica game."
"We arranged a charter flight
for our elite group of 100 people."
And what is being elite?
Being elite is love.
He said it was an elite group.
I said, "Levent, I don't want to
kill you guys' vibe, nor do I want to"
I just don't like that whole scene.
I left behind that whole
boy scouts mentality in middle school.
I mean, even my son doesn't act like that.
So I said no.
He said, "These are all
distinguished people. No hooligans."
My big brother and cousin
also decided to go.
And I got convinced.
Or conned!
I arrived at the airport.
I saw a producer friend of mine,
then an esteemed ad director,
then a poet
who is well-known in literary circles.
"Oh, you're also a Fenerbahe fan, Cem?"
We got on the plane
No, before that, in the airport
I thought it was a nice group of people.
But it was only 10:30.
The plane was at 12:00.
We all gathered around.
A few weirdos arrived.
A few guys with bandanas came.
And then the background chant,
"Your mother's cunt"
And when I noticed it,
I knew I was fucked.
I didn't want to kill their vibe
or be the stuck-up guy of the group.
We had a few beers and boarded the plane.
And dude
They were hitting the covers and stuff.
Even before take-off,
the pilot threatened
to land the plane in Lleburgaz.
We hadn't even taken off.
Lisbon is, what, four hours away?
Oh, dear
We still had four hours of flight
ahead of us.
The attendant told them to sit down.
Their reply? "Fuck sitting!"
You should've seen those people.
Swearing and stuff.
Look, friends.
Here's what I'm trying to tell you.
I was taught that using swear words
was different from being disrespectful.
You can find swear words
in the dictionary as well. So what?
So I find it so exhausting
that people claim
to have learned bad manners
from movies, TV shows,
literary works, and stuff.
What a stupid take! That makes no sense!
There's turmoil in the streets.
I had a bad experience 16 years ago.
That very day, I told my big brother,
"I had a bad experience with a cab driver.
I'll tell it on stage."
He said, "Don't do it, dude."
"People won't believe you."
"They'll think you're making some of it up
and changing some other bits
for comedic effect."
"This story is too vulgar.
It won't be received well."
"They'll find it
disrespectful and irritating."
That was 16 years ago!
Now I get to tell it.
Yes. You need to hear about it.
Because people want to forget some stuff.
I hailed a cab in Mecidiyeky.
Good old days when you could speak Turkish
and get a cab.
You could hail a cab and they'd stop.
So odd.
"I'm going to Levent," I said.
The driver welcomed me.
He was a sweet, charming boy.
He asked, "Do you recognize me, Mr. Cem?"
"No."
"It's so nice to see you here in my taxi."
"Can I take you
to our taxi stand in eliktepe?"
He wants to show me
to his fellow taxi drivers.
With all that pressure,
I said, "Okay, we can go."
"But please at least make it short."
"Brother," he said,
"you don't recognize me,
but I'm a friend of Erkan the Thief
who was your schoolmate in Gltepe."
So I guess we were close.
Erkan the Thief.
The driver said,
"They love you over there. Please."
"We'll just say hello and move on."
I said, "Fine. Make it short."
And I'm telling you, this is all true.
I was in the front passenger seat.
The driver was here,
and the stand was there.
He hit the brakes hard
and yelled out the open window,
"Optic!"
"Optic, do you see
who I have in the cab with me?"
"It's big brother Cem!
He will fuck you up!"
What did I do?
I hailed a cab in Mecidiyeky.
And took it to some of the roughest areas
I mean, the way he told it,
here's what I did.
I hail a cab and say,
"Take me to eliktepe. I'll fuck them up!"
Dude, what did I do?
I was just going home.
He just yelled that at the stand.
And they were huge and heavily built.
And the guy he called "Optic"
Nobody once disrespected me in any way.
Optic came to the window like this.
"Mr. Cem, where did you find
this son of a bitch?"
"His mother works at a whorehouse."
This is how I looked.
I was back to being a 12-year-old
watching a game at Wimbledon.
It was a true back-and-forth.
I swear to God.
And I wasn't young guy, I was in my 40s.
They insulted each other
for three minutes.
Three whole minutes!
And I just froze.
And somehow, they just made up.
He took me to my place in Levent.
And he apologized.
I was alone at home.
I started feeling queasy.
I felt like I needed to wash up.
They did something on me, you know?
Unbelievable, really.
I still remember that flight.
All that ruckus and shouts of "Portugal!"
I had such a hard time.
We landed in Portugal.
And I don't really speak Portuguese.
And the police saw
that some people's eyebrows
were split open.
I mean, who got beaten by whom?
We hadn't even went to the games yet.
It was later that day or the next day.
The police goes
"Don't fucking talk to us like that!"
I bought a ticket right after we landed
and went back.
You guys are laughing,
but most of the men here
are actually thinking,
"I wouldn't take this guy to a match."
That's how you feel. I get it.
But this just isn't
about football anymore.
This
This is the root of all evil.
I hate drunkenness.
It gets on my nerves.
Doesn't matter who it is.
I find it abhorrent.
-Do you have a favorite drink, brother?
-Whiskey.
A whiskey drinker.
-And the lady?
-She likes to join me.
Are you mad at me, sister?
Why don't you talk?
She did this.
That can work on him, but not on me.
Only he'll be affected
by that "Honey!" attitude.
Not me.
Do you drink, boys?
Don't drink, lads.
I was on the phone just now.
Alcohol is too expensive
in Trkiye anyway.
Isn't that right, guys?
People make bootleg liquor at home.
It's absurd.
It's so hard to do.
There's also a little twist.
They hide the type of alcohol
needed to make bootleg.
We've had so many scandals
over the last few years.
Making liquor at home
is part of our culture, yes.
But nowadays, people are doing it
to save money.
I don't think that's quite right.
It's one of the most obvious problems
I see in this government.
Everything else is all good.
I don't get people who make raki at home.
Especially when they do it in one day
by watching YouTube videos.
"Mehmet, try this."
"I'm here, Cengiz." "Oh."
You know?
It's not right.
You are a whiskey drinker.
As long as you don't get
too drunk and miserable,
you can have your drink as you like.
I really dislike drunkenness.
People think that drunkenness
comes with wisdom,
that they turn into Neyzen Tevfik
when drunk.
They talk big.
"and fuck your grandma!"
If you are the great Neyzen,
you're still him when drunk.
If you're a shithead,
then you become a drunken shithead.
Drunk people are predictable.
Drunk people are unnecessarily blunt.
It makes no sense.
"Let me tell you something.
You are an asshole!"
What do you intend to gain out of this?
They change their minds
in five minutes anyway.
"I'm sorry. I'm the asshole."
You know?
If we're going to go in circles,
I don't want to drink with you.
I heard a great anecdote
from an older guy.
I was only like 19 at the time.
So this happened 33 years ago.
You may have heard the joke,
but it's actually a true story.
I love the fact that
things we actually lived through
are told as jokes.
They're in a car, and Ahmet goes,
"Sinan, I can drive if you're too wasted."
Sinan replies,
"Ahmet, you already are driving."
And this is
This one is seriously one of my favorites.
It's so good.
Nothing has been able to top it.
And it still remains a mystery.
We still don't know
who was driving that night.
Isn't that amazing?
Drunkenness sucks.
But I like cultural drinks.
Have you been to Scotland?
I see. I recommend it.
Take the wife and go.
It's a nice and cultural trip.
I've been to thousand-year-old places
in Scotland.
I saw something amazing the other day.
Do you know Blent akrak?
Man, people are out of their minds.
Amid all this tension,
Blent managed to plan
a two-day vacation on Eid.
As he was boarding a ferry to Lesbos,
the paparazzi spotted him
at the harbor in Ayvalk.
"You are going to Lesbos, Mr. Blent?"
And he smiled.
And someone commented, "Greek spawn!"
He's just going to drink raki in Lesbos.
Lunatics are acting like he joined EOKA.
This Turkish-Greek tension
is driving me insane.
We are just having a good time
Where the fuck
did these fighter jets come from?
"Cancel the tzatziki, please."
Can you fucking decide
if we're neighbors or enemies?
We had to leave so many events early.
Alright, I'm heading out.
We are nervously checking out the jets
while trying to enjoy raki.
Anyway, we went to Scotland.
Wore those kilts and everything.
And they once again found
something wrong with it.
The news article read, "They wore kilts!"
So?
They're trying to put you down
for something you do,
but they're unaware
that their insinuations
don't even mean anything to you.
It's so odd.
"Did you wear kilts there?" "Yes."
Why would that bother me?
What's wrong with wearing kilts?
Especially in Scotland!
Here, 68% of the audience
wears skirts or dresses.
Is that something humiliating?
I don't understand these wild takes.
We wore the kilts.
And went about sightseeing.
Uraz was also with us.
"They wore kilts in Scotland!"
It's not even considered
a feminine thing over there.
And Scotsmen are not effeminate.
And I find kilts
more aggressive than pants.
You don't wear anything underneath,
and it has a slit.
Don't be fooled by the plaid.
It's more threatening
in terms of masculinity.
If you find yourself in a masculinity duel
with a Scotsman,
before you could unbuckle your belt,
you'd find Morgan right there.
"What's going on?"
"Nothing. Carry on."
We have a cute saying in our culture
about drinking.
It blinds us a bit.
Do you know what it is?
You know those clichs?
This one is also a clich.
It goes, "Whatever doesn't kill me
makes me stronger."
Stronger my ass!
What does it even mean?
It's just a poetic sentence.
How could it make you stronger?
I throw a spear at you
"It didn't kill me! It made me stronger!"
Whatever doesn't kill you
makes you disabled.
It's not how life works.
Don't be fooled by fancy words.
"Whatever doesn't kill you
makes you stronger."
We are all so bizarre
when it comes to clichs.
We all tend to fall for clichs.
Even when telling you to be carefree,
people want you to put in effort.
There's a saying in Trkiye,
"Don't worry about him, dude.
Fuck him." You know?
Even that takes effort!
They want you to do some chores
to stop worrying.
What do you mean "Fuck him"?
Even the preparation takes half an hour.
The fact that only some people laughed
shows us
that this is still considered taboo.
Okay, okay!
You can leave, auntie.
Things are going downhill.
All that effort for being carefree!
There's also a nice saying about drinking.
"Get drunk, glow up!" Right?
We fall for this saying.
"Get drunk, glow up!"
And what's the success rate? One percent.
How many people
actually glow up by drinking?
And when it comes to
physical attractiveness
I'm really not interested in that subject.
They say about me, "Look at that ugly guy
hanging out with that pretty girl!"
"God damn you!"
Why should I be as pretty as my partner?
Do I look like a woman?
Do I need to be as pretty as her?
Should I have the same big lips?
Perky boobs, tall legs, and everything?
What nonsense is this?
What a weird thing to say!
"She's so pretty.
And there's this ugly fucker."
And? "She's prettier." Yes, and?
Should I be
keeping the conversation going?
"He's also something."
"He looks even better than the girl."
Is this how it's supposed to go?
One time, I was eating out alone.
To nobody's surprise, of course.
Then a famous plastic surgeon
came up to me.
You know that clich
of the nightclub kingpin
offering you a job by giving you his card?
He came up to me while I was eating
and whispered in my ear.
"The ears."
He recommends me to see him
to get my ears done.
The plastic surgeon
gave me his business card.
He thinks I should get my ears done
at this age!
What an asshole!
Anyway, I sent him away.
And then, about three years later,
I saw an article titled,
"Celebrities who had cosmetic surgery."
And I was in it.
It said I got my ears done.
How much did I get them done?
My ears stuck out more as a kid.
And now that I'm over 50,
my head got a bit bigger,
so maybe they stick out slightly less.
What else could it be?
I went there to get my ears done
but stopped at this point?
Because I ran out of money or something?
They're pinning them back
and I go, "Enough!"
"I need to save money
for my son's education!"
What I'm going to say now
doesn't apply to you.
But one night, right after I said,
"Cosmetic surgeries have become
really popular in the last ten years."
And when I looked up at the audience,
I realized
those were the people I was mocking.
Someone shouted,
"Cem, tell us more about the gorilla!"
"Do that nice gorilla impression again."
They wanted to change the subject.
I understand
it's mostly the women who get work done.
But men aren't so innocent either.
Some dudes
look like a ventriloquist's dummy.
And as a defense mechanism, they say,
"I haven't had any work done on my face."
That's what they say.
"Anything on your face, ma'am?"
"I mean"
"A bit of a touch-up."
Well, you can repair
the rear bumper of a Ford Taunus
with "a bit of a touch-up."
What did they use for the touch-up?
A sledgehammer?
Nowadays, there are people
who keep having cosmetic surgeries.
When I was younger,
in the 80s, Brazil was a very popular
cosmetic surgery destination.
Brazil was so popular
partly because of the back-alley surgeries
that couldn't be done in the US.
Some people have odd requests.
Normally, it should be,
"I stepped on a mine."
"Help me reintegrate into society
through reconstructive surgery."
But these are different.
Some say what I'm doing is body-shaming.
"Shame on you! Those little operations
help boost people's confidence!"
"Why do you mock them?"
I'm not mocking those people.
I'm mocking the maniacs.
I understand people who do it to fit in,
to be happy with a little touch-up.
But some people
flip through the catalog and say,
"You see that monkey's asshole?"
"Put it on my lips."
Are we supposed to not make fun of that?
Can we not mock people
who recklessly change their appearance?
Especially when we settle
for such ugliness?
You know that old saying
What was it?
What was that old saying?
"It would offend God."
Our elders can attest to it.
If a person didn't like their appearance
"I don't like my nose!"
"Don't say that. You will offend God."
But now?
Nobody cares about
that whole offending God issue.
Now it's "Give me that French lift."
"What about God?" "God won't be offended."
"I use emergency vehicle lights
to use the emergency lane anyway."
"If that doesn't offend God,
nothing will."
Everybody is having work done.
And some people get sad
when nobody can recognize them anymore.
A friend of mine did that to me.
"How can you not recognize me?"
"Dude, holy shit!"
Your own mother won't recognize you.
Even Death won't recognize you.
You are immortal.
He'll walk in with his scythe.
"Mrs. Aynur?"
"Mrs. Aynur, your time is up.
Good day, ma'am."
"Mrs. Aynur?"
"I'm Aynur."
"No fucking way! For real?"
"What have you done, Mrs. Aynur?"
"You got some facelift.
French lift. Fake lips."
"Breast implants."
"And the lips? Down there too?"
"I'll just put down four lips."
"Alright."
"A bit of a touch-up? Okay."
Those touch-ups are usually the result
of someone wanting an accomplice.
Ladies, if a friend
starts giving you recommendations
regarding your crow's feet,
just know where that's going.
"Just have it done, honey."
"Why?" "Well, I had mine done."
"What does that have to do with me?"
"Just get it done."
She's on a certain journey,
and she really doesn't want to be alone.
She just wants a crowd with her
in the reckoning.
The guy goes, "What the fuck?
You will offend God."
"But we are a crowd."
That's why.
"You had a lot of work done, Mrs. Aynur.
God will really be offended."
"Alright There's that, and that
A liposuction."
"Please walk so I can check your ass."
"Ah!"
"His least favorite."
"He finds this one the most offensive."
I'm asking you, as a friend
Please forgive us, sisters.
It's an honest question. Think well.
Why would someone have their ass done?
I'm asking this as a friend.
I'm 52 years old.
I have seen my ass maybe once in my life,
not even twice.
If you put ten asses right in front of me
and tell me to pick my own ass,
I swear to God, I couldn't.
I'd say, "Could be that one."
Are our asses
really a part of our identity?
One's face
It's about security, right?
One's face is the most distinct part
of their body
or even their whole recognizable identity.
We get recognized by our faces.
We are identified
by our faces on our ID cards.
We get identified by our faces
for security purposes.
Therefore, having work done on your face
I guess it kind of falls under
the category we just described.
You know, it's understandable
to want your face to look better.
But why would you have work done
on your ass?
Why?
What do you need your ass to do?
Dude Listen.
I'm sitting right now.
My ass is serving a function.
And if I'm uncomfortable,
the first thing that comes to my mind
is to put another cushion here.
Why would I install the cushion on my ass
instead of putting it here?
I mean, it makes no sense
from a logistical standpoint.
And they still say,
"Don't criticize."
"Look how she got her confidence back
after having work done."
If you need a butt job
to get a confidence boost,
then your confidence
is already in the gutter.
I mean, come on.
My friends, for two centuries,
people have been saying,
"Women are not just their bodies."
"Being a woman is
an identity, a personality."
"Media conglomerates
are treating women as a commodity."
"Big Media sexualized women
for marketing campaigns."
Yada, yada. For two centuries!
We listened to all of that
through our childhood,
youth, and adulthood.
"Yes. Right. Women as an object"
And then what happened?
Now everyone is
putting their ass on TikTok.
People are filming their own asses
to show everyone.
Are Big Media or conglomerates
telling you to do that?
They enter everyone's room
and whisper, "Film your ass."
"But I play the guitar."
"Forget about it. Show your ass."
My takeaway from this is
that people focus on
their certain body parts
because they identify themselves
with those parts.
So the fourth wave of feminism
is all about "My ass, my choice."
This is science, dude.
I'm making a layered joke right now.
Don't get too rowdy, peasants.
Poor people aren't even allowed
to enjoy themselves.
I'm kidding. Laugh all you want.
One day, I was at a gathering, and
I never hit on women. Never.
What was that laugh?
I swear. I never hit on women.
Those who know me personally can confirm.
Honestly, sister. Never.
Tell me,
what does hitting on women entail?
It entails putting in effort.
Some manipulation and stuff.
It's basically work.
I don't have time for that.
I have a show the next day.
If anyone has ever seen me
hitting on women at an event, speak up!
This is all being recorded too!
Imagine me going, "Hi, what's up?"
"Yes. G.O.R.A., A.R.O.G."
"Let's continue laughing at my place."
I'd never do that. I find it silly.
I've always found it silly, even as a kid.
I was standing there with a drink
next to a lady.
She looked like the independent type.
I didn't know her at all.
We were just standing next to each other.
She said,
"Do you like it?"
"Do you like it?" she asked.
Such a broad question, you know?
I said, "I'm sorry? What do you mean?"
She changed the subject a bit
and said, "My pants."
"How do you like my pants?"
They actually had a unique design.
They were high-waisted
and tightly fitted around the hips
with some batik designs or something.
I said, "They're nice. Quite original."
She said, "These are my hunting pants."
"I put these on when I go hunting."
I said, "Well, it's not my season."
"Like, really."
"You should've hunted me in September,
during woodcock season."
Turns out, she was really bold
because she said,
"Stop joking. Be honest.
Don't you like my ass?"
It's so sad, isn't it?
Had I said something
even remotely similar to that,
the gendarmerie and the police
would arrive immediately.
They would talk about me
on women's talk shows.
"He judges people by their asses."
"And he's Ozan Gven's friend."
We'd never hear the end of it.
Yeah.
"He didn't attend Gezi protests
even though he was instructed to."
Just endless, you know?
We are not equals when it comes to this.
She gets to be as bold as she wants
because she's a woman.
"Don't you like my ass?"
And because I had a sense of duty,
I said, "Your ass is really nice, sister."
"But it has one downside."
"It belongs to you."
"That's the drawback."
"It's such a shame
that wherever this goes,
you go along with it."
"That's the catch with this ass."
"But if I can have it without the bundle,
I'll wash it and bring it back tomorrow."
She had it coming.
If you make it all about your ass,
be ready to get some shade.
Right?
Having so much work done on your body
is so outdated.
Men are also going crazy.
I saw a new fad on the news.
Please forgive me if you had it done.
I have to mock it.
Groom fillers.
Peasants know it well, see?
It's absurd.
They inject some kind of liquid, or
I think it's something silicon-based.
They inject it into your penis. My God!
This has been discussed
so many times over the years.
What the hell do you want?
Make it six meters long, go ahead!
What's your goal?
To use it as a scarf in the winter?
People can be so primitive sometimes.
They make me
think of the Aztecs and the Mayans.
Or the African tribes that still exist.
You know,
the ones that wear lip plates and such.
Or Burmese women who wear neck rings.
Or Africans who walk around
with penis gourds.
I see no difference, honestly.
Body alteration isn't anything new.
If anything, it's outdated.
After multiple facelifts, they go,
"Thank you, doctor. It looks great!"
"A couple drumsticks
and I'll be all set for Ramadan."
They stretch their skin like a drumhead.
And they think it looks good.
It's so baffling.
Nobody ever talks
about someone's personality anymore.
Such a stark contrast
to what literature has traditionally been.
Good going! I have no words.
Coughing won't get you any sympathy.
Tell me, what work have you had done?
Do you know what is
a beginner-level body alteration?
Lip filler!
Lip fillers and stuff.
No, not even that.
Tattoos.
I don't have any tattoos.
But some people
A woman in the audience once said,
"I have a tattoo
somewhere nobody can see."
What is that supposed to mean?
We all understood it immediately.
You spread the legs,
and it reads, "Goods receiving."
She wants to keep it a secret,
but gives it away immediately.
I was the one who said that, Mr. Cem.
This proves how honest I am.
We had that conversation, right?
You were in the third row.
See? I'm a real comedian.
Can you prove the tattoo is real?
Can you disclose where it really is?
You can show it to the cameras.
What does your tattoo say?
It's on my hip.
Your hip, huh?
I was close.
On one of the cheeks?
-What does it say?
-Nothing.
-What?
-It's just a shape.
A shape?
A guiding arrow?
I mean
Not only do I always tell the truth,
it appears that I told the truth.
Have fun with your tattoo.
I don't have a tattoo.
It's not recommended for actors.
But many actor friends of mine
get tattoos since they're easy
to cover up with make-up now.
When I was younger,
the most popular tattoos were,
not counting figures,
famous Latin phrases.
You know those?
Like "Carpe Diem."
Or "Tutto Passa,"
meaning "Everything passes."
Those were all the rage.
Barcodes were popular once.
Mysterious, science fiction themed.
You know? Gattaca. Barcode on the neck.
"What's up?"
"I'm good, dude."
But if you have it scanned at a store,
you'll see it's just the barcode
for some fucking laundry detergent.
Or a Nivea moisturizer.
Right?
Or baking powder.
Vanilla flavor.
Do you guys have tattoos?
Who has an unusual one?
-You have one? What is it?
-An "X" tattoo.
I have Ra.
-Ra?
-Yes.
So your body is like a place of rituals.
My goodness!
-Where's Ra? Is it Ra's eye?
-Yes.
Ra's eye. Okay. Got it.
God help us!
I find it Don't take it personally.
Imagine going at it with someone,
getting naked and stuff
You turn her over and see Ra!
It'd irk you, you know?
It's so different from
making love to a regular person.
A Ra tattoo on her back!
It would scare you, you know?
You see a Latin phrase in capital letters
about a religious ritual
Just get something straightforward,
like that.
A friend of mine has a funny tattoo.
It reads,
The "t" is missing.
I mean
How do you
How do you fucking forget
the essence of your whole argument
while writing it?
"I will never for"
What the hell is "I will never forge"?
My God!
Some people tattoo their kids' names.
"lknur! Aynur!"
So they don't forget.
I have a friend we call "Beard."
When Beard falls in love,
he immediately gets her name
tattooed everywhere.
"kran." He has that tattooed everywhere.
"I'm marrying kran."
Well, don't tattoo her name
on your fucking forehead.
And the moment he got a divorce,
the "kran"s turned into Batman symbols.
He got married a second time.
And it was "Melis" all over his body.
"Melis and I are serious."
The "Melis"es
turned into Batman symbols too.
Now the only person he can date is Batman.
He has nowhere else to get a tattoo.
"I don't like anyone," he says.
Because he ran out of space.
There are lots of tattoo fuck-ups.
There's a famous quote by Tupac.
Actually, is it a song?
You know? It's really well-known.
I'm not a theologist or anything,
but in my humble opinion,
the quote is problematic
from a religious perspective.
Because philologically
I'm okay with the other words.
"Only God judge me," that's fine.
Meaning "I will only be judged by God."
That's a heavy quote.
It emphasizes your faith.
But "can" or "able to"
It doesn't quite fit.
Because you're talking about
the Almighty God.
"Can" diminishes the whole thing.
Don't you agree? I mean
"Only God can judge me.
I'll allow it, you can judge me."
It's too childish.
"Only God judge me" is fine.
But "Only God can judge me"
sounds wrong to me.
An actor friend of ours
is a devout Muslim.
He got a tattoo when he was young,
but I think he got it removed later on.
Going up a level.
I mean
How are you going to explain that
in the reckoning?
"Hello! I'm dead."
"What the hell?"
"Allah can judge me."
"Oh, really? You don't say?"
"Wow! Wait here a bit."
"Mrs. Aynur, dip your ass
in the molten lava like this, yes."
"Come here."
What was that about "only can Allah"?
"Tupac."
"Yes? Tupac, he's in here."
"He's impaled on a stake. So?"
"You wrote 'can,' huh?"
"Are you insane? God does judge you."
Where do you weirdos get these ideas?
"My intentions were pure, but"
"My intentions were pure.
Can you let him know?"
"I had no ill intent.
God can judge me, you know?"
"I meant to get it removed,
but didn't get to live long enough."
"Can you let him know about it?
Is it going to be a problem inside?"
"You'll get fucked."
"They'll demolish you."
"Can you ask him, please?
My intentions were pure."
"Wait here."
"You know"
"Yeah, similar to Tupac's"
"You know, 'Only God can judge me,'
but his reads 'Allah' instead."
"Yeah."
"I told him."
"Right. Okay, my Lord."
"My dear."
"One second. Go on, dear."
"I posted a raki picture on Instagram."
"Fuck off!
I can't deal with you right now."
"My dear, I asked about your case."
"Tattoo is a sin."
Good night, friends!
Subtitle translation by: Ahmedah Bilgi