Cocaine Crabs From Outer Space (2022) Movie Script
Hey, Chad, I finished hosing
all the vomit out of the shower.
And-- dude, did you
let crabs back here?
Your face has crabs.
Nice.
No, you idiot.
There's crabs in the
backyard right now.
Whoa, you're not kidding.
Dude, they're lighter
than they look.
It's
like they're trying
to talk to us or something.
What should we do with
these things, eat 'em?
I don't know, man.
Never cooked a crab before.
Oh, hey, I've got an idea.
Give them some of your beer.
No way, man, this is my beer.
You give them a beer.
Dude, if I'm giving
them something,
I'm giving them something
way stronger than beer.
Dude, do you think
this is a good idea?
Dude, what the hell?
Oh, dude, you bled on me.
Stop it, bro.
You stop it.
Fuck you, man.
Fuck you back.
Dude, are you kidding me?
Oh, my favorite finger.
Salutations
to you all.
This is DJ Cow Spank.
I don't know how your
day has been so far,
but I'm having a dandy
old time pumping out tunes
for y'all to enjoy.
Later on, I'll be playing
some heavier stuff for you
all to rage to.
But for now, let's
dabble with something
a little on the lighter side.
Now, you're sure
this is the place?
Six weeks of investigation,
eight stoolies, a dozen
eyewitnesses, and
a drug trail so
thick I could bounce a
roll of quarters off it.
He's in there.
Whatever you say, Bobo.
That's Detective Bobo,
you flat-footed son of a--
Freeze.
All right, which one of you
here is the cocaine king?
You think arresting me
is going to do any good?
You fools.
You can't stop cocaine.
Cocaine is the world.
Cocaine is life.
Well, it can certainly
get you that if the judge
is in a bad mood.
You haven't seen the last of me.
Heretic, non-believer.
Well, I'll be sure and tell
the meth queen you said hi.
Oh, man, fuck that bitch.
She still owes me 2 kilos.
Hey, man you like doughnuts?
I got some leftovers from
this morning's meeting.
I sure do.
Cool.
What's your favorite kind?
I'm a powdered
sugar fan, myself.
You're in luck.
See, if you had a job
and worked for a living,
you'd get first pick.
But you don't, so you
get the leftovers.
What the hell, man?
Bootstraps, pal, bootstraps.
What is
this, a crab rave?
You found them
exactly like this?
Yeah, man.
I didn't do nothing
but cover them up.
All right, what do we got?
Two dead.
Both took it in the neck.
Were you in the house
when this happened?
No, I was out with
my lady all day.
She wanted sushi,
which is great.
But now I'm going to
have sushi burps all day.
Mr.--
No "Mister" here, dude.
Just call me Tad.
Tad, do you have any pruning
clippers here in the house?
Pruning?
No, we barely do
dishes around here.
Did your roommates get along?
Oh, totally, although
Brad did owe Chad $5.
They didn't do
this to each other.
That guy got it first,
right in the main artery.
There's no way he'd
have the strength
to retaliate, no matter how much
coke might be in his system.
Cocaine?
I swear it's not mine.
Are you telling me you didn't
see the dime bag and the razor
blade over on the ground
next to the table?
Of course, I did.
Four whole months for
that badge, and that's
the best you can do?
Tell me you can at least
get a cat out of a tree.
Well, at least I'm not
a complete laughingstock
at the precinct, Bobo.
Here, just because I
know how much you blue
shirts love fingering criminals.
Dude.
Eh, sushi burps.
Detective Reese,
Detective Reese, come in.
Detective Reese?
Detective Reese, are you there?
Please respond.
Reese here.
Detective, you're
needed at a 187 downtown
on Broadway and Pine.
Dispatch, I'm already
at a 1-8-7 on Maple.
Is there anyone else
who can take that?
Negative.
You are the closest responder.
10-4, on my way.
Detective Charlie Reese.
I'm Steve.
Steve, did you did
you call this in?
Sure did.
And how, may I ask,
did you phone this in?
Cell phone.
You have a cell phone?
No, but he did.
Where is it now?
I put it back in his
pocket where I found it.
His pocket?
Yep.
He's got a wallet in there, too.
No cash in it, though.
I checked.
I'm sure you did.
Steve, were you here
when this happened?
Nope, heard it from
around the corner.
About how long ago
did you find the body?
Oh, about a half hour ago.
OK, I'm just going to ask.
Why did you hang around?
You could have just taken off?
Because I want you guys to
know that I didn't do this.
I know how it goes.
You ask everyone in
the area what happened.
Someone mentioned
seeing me nearby.
You guys come after me and
make my life a living hell.
No, thank you.
I'd rather just get
it out of the way now.
I believe you.
What?
Here.
Here's $20.
Another officer will
be here in 10 minutes.
Wait right here, and tell
him everything you told me.
Should I mention I stole
his underwear, too?
What?
No.
It's just I've never
had silk undies before.
It's like both butt cheeks
died and went to Heaven.
Really?
Silk under-- look, just
tell him how you found him.
And tell him that
detective Reese
says you didn't do it, OK?
Aye-aye, sir.
Ooh, yeah, booty like.
Ooh.
Captain?
Captain.
Captain, I have
got to talk to you.
You do realize this is
the one time of the day
that I want absolutely
no one talking to me.
Yes, I know, and I'm sorry.
But this is important.
It always is.
You know those two
dead frat boys?
Well, I just left an
alley where someone was
murdered in the same manner.
You think they're related?
All three victims had small
body parts removed or severed--
throats, fingers, tendons.
You do realize I'm
still eating, right?
Sorry, Captain.
So what?
You think someone's going around
with a knife mutilating people?
The wounds don't
suggest a knife, sir.
The cut marks are made in two
opposite closing directions.
Reese, do not tell me you think
someone's going around town
snipping people to death.
That is not what I
want to hear right now.
OK, I won't.
Good.
Unfortunately, you're
going to like what I'm
about to tell you even less.
Here it comes.
I think animals
may have done this.
And boom.
Captain, I'm serious.
Oh, I can tell you're serious.
That's what worries me.
Captain, I know this
sounds ridiculous.
I know it, too.
But I'm telling you.
Do I even want to know
what kind of animal
you think is doing this?
You probably don't.
Just spill it.
Crabs.
You realize
the entire force
thinks you're a laughing stock
because of the clown case,
right?
Did you know they're calling
you Bobo behind your back?
All except the ones
who say it to my face.
When they catch
word of this, things
will only get worse for you.
And they will find out.
They always do.
There's probably
one or two of them
with their ear pressed up
against the door right now.
They're like little
gossip gremlins.
Captain, I would
not be doing this
unless I was almost
certain of it.
You think a crab--
Or crabs.
You think crabs are
pinching people to death,
and you want me to
take this seriously?
Well, when you put it that way.
Reese, you've got a great
record as a detective.
But lately, you've got
me wondering about you.
Well, what's it going to take
for you to take this seriously?
Well, for starters,
get somebody to agree
with you, someone who knows
what they're talking about.
I've already put some
thought into that.
But we don't have an aquarium
or any sort of marine biology
facility here in the city.
Well, you better find a
seafood restaurant or something
because right now your
story smells fishy.
You like that?
Smells fishy?
I put it in there just for you.
Look, Larry, I know technically
speaking you're my supervisor,
and you're supposed
to be the one calling
all the shots around here.
And I'm just the
lowly subordinate,
making a fraction
of what you do,
even though I'm more
qualified than you
for this job on just about
every level there is.
But can I ask that next
time you move the mail beta
fish that you keep a
partition between them?
Because you see, male betas
are extremely territorial,
even with betas that aren't
even in the same tank.
If they're within
eyeshot of each other,
it can cause them undue stress
and even shorten their lives.
Thanks, Larry.
You're an absolute
peach to work with.
No, seriously, I mean it.
Try not to eat any soap on
the way back to your chair.
Do you have an Alex
Bailey working here?
Alex Bailey?
How did you know my name?
Right, duh.
I'm Detective Charlie
Reese, and I need your help.
Why me?
Because I understand you know
quite a bit about crustaceans.
OK, that's not on my name tag.
How do you know that?
Manager at the
seafood restaurant
says you picketed
his place before.
Guilty.
That guy hates me.
Wait, I'm not in
trouble for that, am I?
That was like a year ago.
No, I'm here because
I need your expertise.
Expertise?
What do you mean?
I need to know that you
know your stuff when
it comes to shellfish.
Shellfish?
Well, crustaceans or mollusks?
The kind with strong claws.
Yeah, crustaceans--
crabs, lobsters, shrimp,
crayfish, although
not all lobsters
have pinchers or chelae,
as they're properly called.
And I wouldn't consider
shrimp pinchers
to be strong because
they're quite tiny.
But I'm guessing "strong"
is a relative term here.
For now, let's just say
we're talking about crabs.
Oh, sweet, crabs
are my favorite.
Yeah, well, there's over 6,000
different species of crabs.
They're decapod crustaceans
that can live in freshwater,
saltwater, or on land.
They have an exoskeleton with
the central carapace protecting
their cephalothorax.
OK, you pass.
But what I really need to know
is, can one of these things
kill someone?
Kill someone?
I mean, there are poisonous
crabs, but they're very rare
and not found
anywhere near here.
No, no, I'm not talking
about poisonous crabs.
Well, then what kind of
crabs are you talking about?
Kind you'd find
on a dinner plate.
Metacarcinus magister?
Dungeness crab.
Wait, you want to
know if a Dungeness
crab can kill someone?
That's what I'm
aiming to find out.
We're talking about a
creature that might--
might have the grip
strength to break
the finger of a small child.
Trust me, I've been told
how ridiculous this sounds.
Is that alcohol?
That's classified.
Say, would you
mind coming with me
and sharing your wealth
of crab knowledge
with some of my colleagues?
With other police?
I mean, sure, I
guess, that is if you
can get my bonehead manager
to let me off early.
Leave that to me.
Listen, I'm going
to need to take
Miss Bailey in for questioning.
She won't be back in time
for you to close tonight.
If you have any questions,
contact Police Headquarters,
extension 229.
If you
have any questions,
contact Police
Headquarters, 229.
Is he OK?
I've been working with him
for over two years now.
No, I don't think he is.
Ooh.
I can't believe you're
a DJ Cow Spank fan.
Oh, DJ Cow Spank is the best.
Is this normal?
DJ Cow Spank playing metal?
That's about as
normal as things get.
No, I mean this, getting help
from a civilian, like this.
Normal?
No, but I have done it before.
I once got the
help of a beekeeper
to clear a field
that we suspected
someone was burying bodies in.
Ew.
Did you find any?
Eh, I'd rather not say.
Who does that?
There are a lot more
sick people in this world
than most folks realize.
I guess so.
Detective Reese,
Detective Reese, come in.
Never a dull moment.
Reese here.
Detective, you're
needed at 4777 Meadow Lane.
Roger that.
On my way.
I take it we're no longer
headed to police headquarters?
Correct.
I'm hoping this isn't bad news.
But somehow, I doubt it.
Wait here.
I want to check
things out first.
It could be pretty
dicey in there.
Here, make yourself a blindfold.
Oh, and lose the name tag.
Well, if it isn't
Detective Claw Patrol.
You managed to pinch
any culprits lately?
Hey, watch out.
He's getting pretty steamed.
Uh-oh, I'm in hot water now.
All right, you two
baby-macing mother--
That's enough.
Well, Captain, what a surprise.
I can only assume you're here
to make fun of my "vocrabulary"
or tell me I'm "clawstrophobic."
Perhaps you'd like to
borrow my Shell card?
Look, I don't want to hear any
more of this crab nonsense out
of you.
Fine.
Then how about you hear
it from a professional?
This is Dr. Alex Bailey,
local marine biologist
and sea-life expert.
I'm not a doc--
Ow.
OK, Dr. Bailey, if
a crustaceous animal
were able to kill
someone with its claws,
what would that look
like on the victim?
OK, well, the animal
in question would
have to be much stronger than
any crustaceans found anywhere
near this continent.
And the ones that we do know
of that can break bone, aside
from being thousands of miles
away, are remarkably slow
and easily avoided.
However, if that isn't
the case and there
is a crustaceous animal,
or animals, around here
that are much stronger than
anything we've encountered,
their pinchers
would leave marks,
looking like 2- to
3-inch scissor-style cuts
on the victim, likely
resembling that of someone who
was attacked with some sort
of scissors or pruning tool.
Now, I'd initially think
that all of these cuts
wouldn't occur that
high on the victim,
say, around the
feet or the ankles
or possibly even the calves,
as these animals are not
very tall.
But if their legs possess
the same enhanced strength
that their pinchers
do, it's quite possible
that these creatures are
able to jump to great heights
and attack somebody in
other areas of the body,
possibly removing fingers or
even more vulnerable areas,
such as the neck or the face,
severing vital arteries,
or even removing
facial features.
What exactly are you
trying to pull here, Reese?
There are four
people dead, Captain.
I am trying to prevent a fifth.
By blaming crabs or lobsters
or any other pinching creatures
you can think of?
Well, Captain, unless you
have any better leads,
unlike our latest victim
here, I'm all ears.
Captain, the wounds match--
no hair or fingerprints
found, no weapons
found, no footprints, no one
seen entering or exiting.
Fine, you want to
play Dr. Doolittle,
just do it out of
my sight, Bobo.
Come on,
Alex, let's go.
Reese?
Reese, I'm still blindfolded.
Ah.
Well, thanks for
giving me a ride.
It's the least I could do.
I realize what you
were telling them was
a stretch, to say the least.
But are they always
this hard on you?
No, this is a recent development
with a case a few months back.
A European circus came to
town, and one of the clowns
went missing.
Well, I guess
that explains "Bobo."
Hardy har-har.
Everyone seemed to think the
clown just ran away or possibly
defected.
But none of the evidence or
testimony pointed that way.
I know somewhere out there,
there's a field or a creek
or a storm drain with a very
colorful victim lying in it.
I just don't have
any way to prove it.
And now all this crab stuff
is just icing on the cake.
I think you mean icing
on the crab cake?
So why crabs?
Why do I like them?
Yeah.
Ever since I was a kid, I
just thought they looked cool.
Anytime we'd vacation
in a city that
had a coast or an aquarium,
I'd always beg my parents
to take me to go see it.
Heck, I've never even
eaten one because I never
wanted to cause one any harm.
I wanted to be a
marine biologist,
study them professionally.
But if you don't have the grades
or money, that line of work
is just a pipe dream.
You're not a fan
of them, are you?
I can't get close
enough to find out.
Allergic?
My hands itch any time I
come near them or anything
they've touched.
Hence, my near complete
lack of knowledge on them.
Did your hands itch at
any of the murder sites?
All three.
I believe you.
I don't know how any of this
would at all be possible.
But I believe you.
Well, thanks.
That makes one person.
Hopefully, no one
else has to die
before I convince anyone else.
Oh, and these things
aren't going to, like,
mate and pump out a billion
baby crabs, are they?
Well, these crustaceans are
far from run of the mill.
But larval development can
yield up to 2 million eggs.
What?
Relax.
It takes at least three
months for the eggs to hatch.
And it's not like
these things are
going to gaze up at a full
moon and start pumping out baby
murder crabs tomorrow morning.
Here's hoping.
Good night, Alex.
Good night, Detective.
This is stupid.
I'm not afraid of these things.
They just look like a
bunch of plastic toy crabs.
Ah!
Nyah!
Ah!
Uh!
Yah!
Why are you doing this to me?
I'm the one that likes you.
No billions of crabs, huh?
Well how the freshwater
fuck was I supposed to know?
Come on.
Let's get out of here before
we're turned into crab food.
What's our next move?
You're asking me?
You're the cop.
Yeah, but you're
the crab expert.
Newsflash, these are
not normal crabs.
I know as much about
these things as you do.
Well, then I guess we should
find out more about them now,
shouldn't we?
Well, I guess we should.
Great, how do we go
about doing that?
Well, if we had one
to study, that'd
be a good place to start.
That's a pretty good idea.
OK, let's go.
[EDVARD GRIEG,
"PEER GYNT SUITE NO.
1, IN THE HALL OF
THE MOUNTAIN KING"]
Get them off.
Ah.
Ah, ah, ah!
Ah, ah.
Ah!
Aye!
Ah.
The hell?
Crabble weed.
Ah, ah!
This is taking too long.
This will work.
Trust me.
It better.
I'm running out of patience.
Ooh, ooh, I see one.
Well, I still say there
were, oh, I don't know,
several thousand easier ways
we could have gone about this.
Possibly.
But I've never built
one of these before.
And it gave me the
perfect excuse.
Well, I suppose I
do have to give you
points on how quickly you
put this thing together.
Why, thank you.
I'm especially proud of the
bait that I came up with.
Speaking of which.
It's going for the bait.
Squee.
Well, it's now or never.
Here goes nothing.
Hey!
Are you fucking kidding me?
Oops.
Oops my ass.
OK, now what?
What do you mean, now what?
Slice it open.
Me?
You're the crab expert.
And you're the detective.
You're the one who deals with
crimes and labs and cadavers
and things.
Where the hell do you
think I work, Red Lobster?
OK, fine, I see more than
my fair share of stiffs.
But, A, I don't cut
any of them open.
And, B, they're all human,
not to mention the fact
that I am highly
allergic to these things.
But I don't
want to cut a crab.
It's already dead.
It won't feel a thing.
Fine, I'll do it.
And what, pray tell, do you
expect me to open this up with?
Is that a switchblade?
Those things are illegal.
Sure are.
What are you doing with that?
Handing it to you.
No way.
What if the police find out?
Ugh.
Ew, it pootered.
Did you say "pootered"?
Oh.
Ugh.
Ow.
That is the absolute
lowest of low tides.
I think I'm going to barf.
All right, all
right, pull it together.
All right, we have
to find out what's
going on with these things.
I don't think crabs
are supposed to be
filled with that much goo.
I suspect you're right.
What's that underneath it?
All I see is goo.
Well, goo and a bullet.
Check underneath it.
Go on.
Well, that's even weirder.
We go from a wet
goo to a dry powder.
Wait, how does a
powder like that
stay dry inside the
middle of a crab?
Let me see that knife.
How in the hell did that
stay unprocessed inside
of that crab?
What is it?
Coke.
Cocaine?
Are you positive?
I've seen enough cocaine to sink
two battleships and a circus
freak.
I am positive.
Well, do you think that's what's
making all these crabs act
this way?
Well, I've seen what too
much of it can do to humans,
so I wouldn't rule it out.
Great.
So now we know they're
junkies, how does that help us?
Wait a minute.
The first crab murder scene--
there were signs of cocaine
but no actual cocaine there.
Come on.
I want to check out
that frat house again.
But first, we need
to make a quick stop.
Hey, folks.
I don't know if things out
there are as bizarre for you
as they are for me.
But this building is surrounded
by some aggressively gnarly sea
life.
And judging by the sheer
mayhem these things are causing
in the streets, I'm going
to remain right here,
bunkered up in my
crab-free booth,
ready to relay any developing
news that I happen to hear.
DJ Cow Spank?
I'm Detective Charlie Reese.
Listen, we need to borrow
your airwaves for a bit.
Like, how do I know you're not
a crab trying to get in here?
Are
you frickin' kidding me?
Do I sound like a crab to you?
I don't know.
I've been fooled before.
Fine, ask me
something a crab wouldn't know.
OK, how many floors are in
the Empire State Building?
How
the fuck should I know that?
Now, see, that's something
a crab would say.
Dammit, open the door.
Hi, there.
Big fan.
Hey, there, listeners.
This is DJ Cow Spank
with you once again.
I have in the studio with me
at this time Detective Charlie
Reese.
And he's got an update
regarding the crab situation.
Take it away, Detective.
Hi, everyone.
I know things are crazy right
now, and in many cases, deadly.
But I want you to know
that we're doing everything
we can to contain this.
Now, I don't know the whole
story on these things yet.
But I do know that they're
hopped up on cocaine,
and they crave it madly.
While it seems that
they will attack just
about anything
and everything, it
seems that they are especially
prone to attack anything
that they think
might be cocaine.
This means anything
white, powdery, or both.
It's about time we caught
a break around here.
Hey, that's what I'm saying.
So please stay indoors,
and stay away from anything
they might think is cocaine.
Thank you.
All right, folks,
you heard the man.
Stay indoors, and
stay away from coke.
Whoa, it's like living my
1980s childhood latchkey
days all over again.
Yo, I ain't got no more coke.
Look, I had to start
moving Beanie Babies
just to pay the
rent on this place.
Hey, I told you, I got no coke.
Fuck me running.
So what are we
looking for again?
This is the scene of the first
murders committed by the crabs.
Really?
Here?
Yeah, a couple of frat boys
bit it in the backyard.
And we all know where
they went from here.
Yeah, everywhere.
But what I want to know
is, where were they
before they got here?
Well, OK.
If this is the first time
the crabs killed anyone,
and we now know that
they're full of cocaine,
and you said that there
were signs of cocaine,
but no actual cocaine was
found here because presumably
the crabs snorted it all.
So if they first killed here
and they first took coke here,
that means when
they got here, they
weren't super coked
out of their minds
and probably weren't leaping
all over the place, which
has them crawling on the
ground when they got here.
Now, they're not fast enough
to cross any major streets
without getting run over.
And they'd likely be seen,
even on one of these side
streets, which tells me that
wherever they came from,
they didn't get out in the open
too far away from this house.
They either had to
have cover, or they
were in a place with
no foot traffic.
Excellent detective work.
You get a sucker.
Fucking score.
So do you always keep giant
lollipops in your pocket?
Because that was
pretty left field.
Actually, I always try to
keep some form of sweets on me
whenever I'm on the job.
Well, that sounds weird.
Some of the scenes I arrive
at can be pretty hairy.
And unfortunately, kids
aren't exempt from them.
So I like to keep a
little something on me
to help with their nerves.
Aw, that's the nicest thing
I've ever heard you say.
Oh, but now I'm sad.
You gave me sad candy.
Yeet.
You have absolutely got
to be fucking kidding me.
What's up?
Is that
what I think it is?
Not going to have a
billion babies, huh?
What?
You said these things
weren't going to mate
and have a billion babies.
So?
So there's no away they all flew
to Earth fitting in that thing.
Well, evidently,
these are space crabs.
How the frick was
I supposed to know?
Come on.
Oh, look, it's shaped
like a little crab--
how cute.
Don't touch it.
But it's adorable.
Just don't touch it.
We should find a stick or
something to poke it with.
Ow, fuck butter.
I told you we should
have found a stick.
Wait a minute.
If they multiply, that
means this is ground zero.
And there's a mom and
dad crab out there
somewhere right now, right?
I think we've proven that
nothing about these crabs is
a gimme anymore.
True, but that would be the
case under normal circumstances,
right?
You think there's a mom
and dad crab out there
who are responsible
for the first killing?
I sure as shit burger do.
Shit burger?
We have to find those two.
OK, I'm a space crab who's
killer alien coke babies have
spread all over.
What do I do?
Probably to find
your kids some more
cocaine, which doesn't exactly
make you mother of the year.
I think you're right, though.
So we get our
hands on some coke,
and we lure the two parent
crabs out of hiding.
If there's even
any cocaine left.
For all we know, the
crabs snorted it all up.
I could check
evidence locker at HQ.
It's no guarantee, but it's
our best shot right now.
Police headquarters?
But that's right smack dab in
the middle of crab central.
It's too dangerous.
Which is why I'm leaving
you here until I get back.
OK, no arguments from me.
Just be safe, OK?
Ow, shit burger.
Any luck?
No.
Evidence was trashed.
But I did get the
next best thing.
This is bullshit.
You never said you were going
to drive me out to the boonies.
I don't say a lot of things.
Now, come on out of there.
Who's this guy?
Alex, this is the cocaine king.
Your majesty, this is Alex.
I don't give two rat farts and
a bowling trophy who she is.
I'm only here because you said
something about letting me go.
I did.
That is, if you help us out.
What do you need?
Guy calls himself the cocaine
king and asks me what I need.
I need cocaine, you idiot.
All right, I mean, you just
don't seem like the type.
But, hey, that's
none of my business.
It's not for me, you
powder-pushing moron.
These crabs crave it like
Joanie craves Chachi.
And I'm going to get some
and use it to lure them out.
Now, I know you know where
we can find some coke.
So you better start talking
fast before I find a crab
hill to stake you out on.
Very well.
But let it be known that
I, the cocaine king,
am the only criminal to ever
use cocaine to get out of jail.
Now, get these cuffs off me,
and bring me my cape and crown.
Ho.
Well, I'll be darn.
As you can see, I am never
far from my precious
cocaine.
Now, I have held up
my end of the bargain.
Are you going to hold up yours?
You are free to go.
Come on, Alex.
Hello, Mr. King.
It's not bad to be the king.
Well, it doesn't
look like the crab
situation has changed much.
I don't see any people, though.
Do you think they got your
message to stay inside?
Or do you think they've
all been killed off?
I'm hoping the former.
Jeez, it's like crabageddon,
or a crabalanche.
No, wait, crab-splosion.
Alex, focus.
Right, sorry.
OK, we've got a big bag of
the one thing that they want.
And we need to use it to
find the two original crabs.
Well, we're not even sure if
the two first crabs are even
in the area.
So we're going to have
to cover a lot of ground
with what we've got.
What if we crop-dusted it,
like with a drone or something?
Do you have access to a drone?
No.
Do you know how to fly a drone?
No.
If you did, would you
know how to perform
a timed release of a powdered
substance from a drone?
No.
Then that's probably a--
A bad idea, right.
Gotcha.
What if we dusted it ourselves?
You mean go over there in
the middle of all that?
They'd tear us to shreds.
Not if they think
we're one of them.
One of them?
Why in the heck would
they think we're one of--
This is stupid, and
we're both going to die.
Shh, just think crab thoughts.
And keep sprinkling cocaine
all over the ground.
You sound like the world's
worst guidance counselor.
Hey, I didn't hear you come
up with any better ideas.
That's because there
weren't any better ideas.
But that doesn't mean
that this is a good one.
Why do you have
these things anyway?
This is me we're
talking about here.
I mean, OK, I get that.
But why two of them?
It's an emergency backup, duh.
Moment of truth.
It's working.
Well, what do you know?
Hold the course, Miss Bailey.
We've got some coke-snorting
space crabs to wrangle.
Reese, Reese, look.
Those the mom and dad crabs?
Well, they're a different color
and about four times the size.
Good enough for me.
Lucky thing, too.
I just ran out of cocaine.
Ran out?
You can't run out.
Well, why not?
Because I just ran out.
Oh, great.
Now what the hell are
we supposed to do?
What are you asking me for?
You're the one who said
we needed to find them.
Well, I didn't hear you put
up any argument to that idea.
I thought you had a plan
for when we found them.
Well, I could say
the same for you.
You're the one who put us in
the middle of all of them.
Yeah, that's because I
thought you had a plan.
Yeah, the plan was to
find the first two crabs.
Well, mission
accomplished, Detective.
Uh-oh.
Well, if I'm dying, I'm not
doing it in this stupid thing.
Ah.
Ah.
Well, there went my best idea.
What do we do?
We need to make a break for it.
I'll go first.
And no matter what happens
to me, just keep running.
Reese, no.
It's the only way.
Now get ready.
1, 2--
Ah!
Reese.
Ah!
Reese!
I've had enough of this
bottom-feeding bullshit.
Argh.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
What the fuck is in this?
It's simple syrup.
What?
I'm a sugar hound.
Ugh.
Oh, rot knuckles.
Come on, they're getting away.
This is really weird.
Yep.
Gnarly.
Jinx.
Where'd they go?
I don't know.
Look, I found the skateboard.
Look.
Careful in there.
Remember, these
things are killers.
Ah!
Nyah!
Nuh.
I'm beginning to think
it was a bad idea
to follow them in here.
You and me both.
Come on.
Uh-oh.
What is it?
Oh, fudge.
Yeah.
Reese?
Go, go, go, go, go.
Yah.
Reese.
You fuckers like blow.
Well, blow this.
No, wait.
Look.
Well, I'll be.
Do we have enough compressed
air for all of them?
Not even close.
All right.
We need to use these to
destroy the other crabs.
Agreed.
And I've got just
the place in mind.
Let's get--
Ha-ha.
I was right.
You motherfuckers all
thought I was crazy.
Well, now every one
of you bitch-ass cops
who made fun of me
can eat my entire ass.
I was fucking right.
I was fucking right.
You're all moronic bullies.
And you can suck
some clown shit.
Reese.
Reese, we have to go.
Take
your stupid badges,
and shove them up your asses.
Reese, come on.
Sniff a dead clown's butt,
you flat-footed bastards.
DJ Cow Spank?
It's us again.
It's OK.
These are good crabs.
DJ Cow Spank, we're
going to need to borrow
your airwaves one more time.
Listen up all my faithful
listeners out there.
This is DJ Cow Spank--
--once again, back on the air
and broadcasting to you live.
I know it's a little
weird out there,
and it seems like the ocean
barfed up little demon critters
everywhere.
But I have some good news.
Back in the studio with me
are Detective Charlie Reese
and Alex Bailey.
And thanks to them,
we have a frequency
that will end this
crustaceous nightmare.
So whether you're here
in town or listening
through your web feed,
crank your volume.
Plug your ears, and
get ready for one heck
of a crab-splosion.
See?
I told you, crab-splosion.
Oh.
People of Earth, my name
is
from the planet Crabulon.
And this is my life mate, Susan.
We would like to thank all of
you for being so understanding
and for letting us speak
to you now, even after all
the damage that has been done.
For you see, we had no
idea what cocaine was
and that it would have such
a rampaging effect on us.
Or that it would
make me pump out
a billion coke-powered
murder babies, like I
was some sort of
nuclear-powered PEZ dispenser.
Yeah, we-- we're totally
sorry about that.
Mm-hmm, yeah, we're so sorry.
Also, it wasn't even
our idea to take
the cocaine in the first place.
It's true.
One of your earthling frat
boys shoved it in our faces.
So there.
Seriously, folks,
I speak firsthand
when I say that none of
you should ever do cocaine.
Yes.
Yes, that's right, no
matter how much housework
you may have to do.
It's dangerous stuff.
It sure is.
And we're also sorry for the
loss of life that the two of us
directly caused.
But one of them was a
classist yuppie piece of shit.
So there is that.
Yeah.
Nice.
Thank you.
Also, we hold no
grudge towards you
or any of your people
for any of our offspring
that you may have destroyed.
Let's face it.
They were bloodthirsty
alien coke babies,
and they needed to die.
We'll take questions now.
Can you tell us anything?
What's the--
What's it like on
planet Crabulon?
Well, we finally got
a Cheesecake Factory,
so we're pretty
stoked about that.
Does your kind ever wear pants?
Only on casual Fridays.
What was it like to kill
millions of your own children?
It felt pretty good.
Next question.
Do you have any racists
on planet Crabulon?
No, we feed racists
to the elephant squid.
How much pinching
occurs on your planet?
Not as much as you'd think.
Why exactly did you come here?
We've been trying to
reach you about your car's
extended warranty.
Boy, I sure hope they got
good meth on this planet.
Damn straight.
Yeah!
Cocaine-snorting
crabs from outer space.
They've traveled so far
just to pinch your face.
Cocaine-snorting crabs
from outer space.
They want to eat you because
they like the way you taste.
And we think of space as
deep and dark and vast.
But their crab spaceship
found us really fast.
They've been traveling since
the day of their birth,
till they discovered
cocaine right here on Earth.
They liked it so much,
they decided to stay.
They killed everything
that got in their way.
They don't want
slaves or our dogs.
They want our cocaine
with a side of frogs.
Cocaine-snorting crabs
from outer space.
They've traveled so far
just to pinch your face.
Cocaine-snorting crabs
from outer space.
They want to eat you 'cause
they like the way you taste.
They didn't come here
to smoke our Mary Jane.
We never thought they'd
take all of our cocaine.
We've never seen an
invasion such as this.
We thought there'd be a sign,
thanks for all the fish.
Those cocaine-snorting
crabs from outer space.
They've traveled so far
just to pinch your face.
Cocaine-snorting crabs
from outer space.
They want to eat you 'cause
they like the way you taste.
So if you see a crab
scooting down the street,
and it wants to snort
cocaine off your dirty feet.
Just remember, they're
a visiting alien race,
those cocaine-snorting
crabs from outer space.
Cocaine-snorting crabs
from outer space.
They've traveled so far
just to eat your face.
Cocaine-snorting crabs
from outer space.
They want to eat you 'cause
they like the way you
taste.
Yah, I'm a crab.
all the vomit out of the shower.
And-- dude, did you
let crabs back here?
Your face has crabs.
Nice.
No, you idiot.
There's crabs in the
backyard right now.
Whoa, you're not kidding.
Dude, they're lighter
than they look.
It's
like they're trying
to talk to us or something.
What should we do with
these things, eat 'em?
I don't know, man.
Never cooked a crab before.
Oh, hey, I've got an idea.
Give them some of your beer.
No way, man, this is my beer.
You give them a beer.
Dude, if I'm giving
them something,
I'm giving them something
way stronger than beer.
Dude, do you think
this is a good idea?
Dude, what the hell?
Oh, dude, you bled on me.
Stop it, bro.
You stop it.
Fuck you, man.
Fuck you back.
Dude, are you kidding me?
Oh, my favorite finger.
Salutations
to you all.
This is DJ Cow Spank.
I don't know how your
day has been so far,
but I'm having a dandy
old time pumping out tunes
for y'all to enjoy.
Later on, I'll be playing
some heavier stuff for you
all to rage to.
But for now, let's
dabble with something
a little on the lighter side.
Now, you're sure
this is the place?
Six weeks of investigation,
eight stoolies, a dozen
eyewitnesses, and
a drug trail so
thick I could bounce a
roll of quarters off it.
He's in there.
Whatever you say, Bobo.
That's Detective Bobo,
you flat-footed son of a--
Freeze.
All right, which one of you
here is the cocaine king?
You think arresting me
is going to do any good?
You fools.
You can't stop cocaine.
Cocaine is the world.
Cocaine is life.
Well, it can certainly
get you that if the judge
is in a bad mood.
You haven't seen the last of me.
Heretic, non-believer.
Well, I'll be sure and tell
the meth queen you said hi.
Oh, man, fuck that bitch.
She still owes me 2 kilos.
Hey, man you like doughnuts?
I got some leftovers from
this morning's meeting.
I sure do.
Cool.
What's your favorite kind?
I'm a powdered
sugar fan, myself.
You're in luck.
See, if you had a job
and worked for a living,
you'd get first pick.
But you don't, so you
get the leftovers.
What the hell, man?
Bootstraps, pal, bootstraps.
What is
this, a crab rave?
You found them
exactly like this?
Yeah, man.
I didn't do nothing
but cover them up.
All right, what do we got?
Two dead.
Both took it in the neck.
Were you in the house
when this happened?
No, I was out with
my lady all day.
She wanted sushi,
which is great.
But now I'm going to
have sushi burps all day.
Mr.--
No "Mister" here, dude.
Just call me Tad.
Tad, do you have any pruning
clippers here in the house?
Pruning?
No, we barely do
dishes around here.
Did your roommates get along?
Oh, totally, although
Brad did owe Chad $5.
They didn't do
this to each other.
That guy got it first,
right in the main artery.
There's no way he'd
have the strength
to retaliate, no matter how much
coke might be in his system.
Cocaine?
I swear it's not mine.
Are you telling me you didn't
see the dime bag and the razor
blade over on the ground
next to the table?
Of course, I did.
Four whole months for
that badge, and that's
the best you can do?
Tell me you can at least
get a cat out of a tree.
Well, at least I'm not
a complete laughingstock
at the precinct, Bobo.
Here, just because I
know how much you blue
shirts love fingering criminals.
Dude.
Eh, sushi burps.
Detective Reese,
Detective Reese, come in.
Detective Reese?
Detective Reese, are you there?
Please respond.
Reese here.
Detective, you're
needed at a 187 downtown
on Broadway and Pine.
Dispatch, I'm already
at a 1-8-7 on Maple.
Is there anyone else
who can take that?
Negative.
You are the closest responder.
10-4, on my way.
Detective Charlie Reese.
I'm Steve.
Steve, did you did
you call this in?
Sure did.
And how, may I ask,
did you phone this in?
Cell phone.
You have a cell phone?
No, but he did.
Where is it now?
I put it back in his
pocket where I found it.
His pocket?
Yep.
He's got a wallet in there, too.
No cash in it, though.
I checked.
I'm sure you did.
Steve, were you here
when this happened?
Nope, heard it from
around the corner.
About how long ago
did you find the body?
Oh, about a half hour ago.
OK, I'm just going to ask.
Why did you hang around?
You could have just taken off?
Because I want you guys to
know that I didn't do this.
I know how it goes.
You ask everyone in
the area what happened.
Someone mentioned
seeing me nearby.
You guys come after me and
make my life a living hell.
No, thank you.
I'd rather just get
it out of the way now.
I believe you.
What?
Here.
Here's $20.
Another officer will
be here in 10 minutes.
Wait right here, and tell
him everything you told me.
Should I mention I stole
his underwear, too?
What?
No.
It's just I've never
had silk undies before.
It's like both butt cheeks
died and went to Heaven.
Really?
Silk under-- look, just
tell him how you found him.
And tell him that
detective Reese
says you didn't do it, OK?
Aye-aye, sir.
Ooh, yeah, booty like.
Ooh.
Captain?
Captain.
Captain, I have
got to talk to you.
You do realize this is
the one time of the day
that I want absolutely
no one talking to me.
Yes, I know, and I'm sorry.
But this is important.
It always is.
You know those two
dead frat boys?
Well, I just left an
alley where someone was
murdered in the same manner.
You think they're related?
All three victims had small
body parts removed or severed--
throats, fingers, tendons.
You do realize I'm
still eating, right?
Sorry, Captain.
So what?
You think someone's going around
with a knife mutilating people?
The wounds don't
suggest a knife, sir.
The cut marks are made in two
opposite closing directions.
Reese, do not tell me you think
someone's going around town
snipping people to death.
That is not what I
want to hear right now.
OK, I won't.
Good.
Unfortunately, you're
going to like what I'm
about to tell you even less.
Here it comes.
I think animals
may have done this.
And boom.
Captain, I'm serious.
Oh, I can tell you're serious.
That's what worries me.
Captain, I know this
sounds ridiculous.
I know it, too.
But I'm telling you.
Do I even want to know
what kind of animal
you think is doing this?
You probably don't.
Just spill it.
Crabs.
You realize
the entire force
thinks you're a laughing stock
because of the clown case,
right?
Did you know they're calling
you Bobo behind your back?
All except the ones
who say it to my face.
When they catch
word of this, things
will only get worse for you.
And they will find out.
They always do.
There's probably
one or two of them
with their ear pressed up
against the door right now.
They're like little
gossip gremlins.
Captain, I would
not be doing this
unless I was almost
certain of it.
You think a crab--
Or crabs.
You think crabs are
pinching people to death,
and you want me to
take this seriously?
Well, when you put it that way.
Reese, you've got a great
record as a detective.
But lately, you've got
me wondering about you.
Well, what's it going to take
for you to take this seriously?
Well, for starters,
get somebody to agree
with you, someone who knows
what they're talking about.
I've already put some
thought into that.
But we don't have an aquarium
or any sort of marine biology
facility here in the city.
Well, you better find a
seafood restaurant or something
because right now your
story smells fishy.
You like that?
Smells fishy?
I put it in there just for you.
Look, Larry, I know technically
speaking you're my supervisor,
and you're supposed
to be the one calling
all the shots around here.
And I'm just the
lowly subordinate,
making a fraction
of what you do,
even though I'm more
qualified than you
for this job on just about
every level there is.
But can I ask that next
time you move the mail beta
fish that you keep a
partition between them?
Because you see, male betas
are extremely territorial,
even with betas that aren't
even in the same tank.
If they're within
eyeshot of each other,
it can cause them undue stress
and even shorten their lives.
Thanks, Larry.
You're an absolute
peach to work with.
No, seriously, I mean it.
Try not to eat any soap on
the way back to your chair.
Do you have an Alex
Bailey working here?
Alex Bailey?
How did you know my name?
Right, duh.
I'm Detective Charlie
Reese, and I need your help.
Why me?
Because I understand you know
quite a bit about crustaceans.
OK, that's not on my name tag.
How do you know that?
Manager at the
seafood restaurant
says you picketed
his place before.
Guilty.
That guy hates me.
Wait, I'm not in
trouble for that, am I?
That was like a year ago.
No, I'm here because
I need your expertise.
Expertise?
What do you mean?
I need to know that you
know your stuff when
it comes to shellfish.
Shellfish?
Well, crustaceans or mollusks?
The kind with strong claws.
Yeah, crustaceans--
crabs, lobsters, shrimp,
crayfish, although
not all lobsters
have pinchers or chelae,
as they're properly called.
And I wouldn't consider
shrimp pinchers
to be strong because
they're quite tiny.
But I'm guessing "strong"
is a relative term here.
For now, let's just say
we're talking about crabs.
Oh, sweet, crabs
are my favorite.
Yeah, well, there's over 6,000
different species of crabs.
They're decapod crustaceans
that can live in freshwater,
saltwater, or on land.
They have an exoskeleton with
the central carapace protecting
their cephalothorax.
OK, you pass.
But what I really need to know
is, can one of these things
kill someone?
Kill someone?
I mean, there are poisonous
crabs, but they're very rare
and not found
anywhere near here.
No, no, I'm not talking
about poisonous crabs.
Well, then what kind of
crabs are you talking about?
Kind you'd find
on a dinner plate.
Metacarcinus magister?
Dungeness crab.
Wait, you want to
know if a Dungeness
crab can kill someone?
That's what I'm
aiming to find out.
We're talking about a
creature that might--
might have the grip
strength to break
the finger of a small child.
Trust me, I've been told
how ridiculous this sounds.
Is that alcohol?
That's classified.
Say, would you
mind coming with me
and sharing your wealth
of crab knowledge
with some of my colleagues?
With other police?
I mean, sure, I
guess, that is if you
can get my bonehead manager
to let me off early.
Leave that to me.
Listen, I'm going
to need to take
Miss Bailey in for questioning.
She won't be back in time
for you to close tonight.
If you have any questions,
contact Police Headquarters,
extension 229.
If you
have any questions,
contact Police
Headquarters, 229.
Is he OK?
I've been working with him
for over two years now.
No, I don't think he is.
Ooh.
I can't believe you're
a DJ Cow Spank fan.
Oh, DJ Cow Spank is the best.
Is this normal?
DJ Cow Spank playing metal?
That's about as
normal as things get.
No, I mean this, getting help
from a civilian, like this.
Normal?
No, but I have done it before.
I once got the
help of a beekeeper
to clear a field
that we suspected
someone was burying bodies in.
Ew.
Did you find any?
Eh, I'd rather not say.
Who does that?
There are a lot more
sick people in this world
than most folks realize.
I guess so.
Detective Reese,
Detective Reese, come in.
Never a dull moment.
Reese here.
Detective, you're
needed at 4777 Meadow Lane.
Roger that.
On my way.
I take it we're no longer
headed to police headquarters?
Correct.
I'm hoping this isn't bad news.
But somehow, I doubt it.
Wait here.
I want to check
things out first.
It could be pretty
dicey in there.
Here, make yourself a blindfold.
Oh, and lose the name tag.
Well, if it isn't
Detective Claw Patrol.
You managed to pinch
any culprits lately?
Hey, watch out.
He's getting pretty steamed.
Uh-oh, I'm in hot water now.
All right, you two
baby-macing mother--
That's enough.
Well, Captain, what a surprise.
I can only assume you're here
to make fun of my "vocrabulary"
or tell me I'm "clawstrophobic."
Perhaps you'd like to
borrow my Shell card?
Look, I don't want to hear any
more of this crab nonsense out
of you.
Fine.
Then how about you hear
it from a professional?
This is Dr. Alex Bailey,
local marine biologist
and sea-life expert.
I'm not a doc--
Ow.
OK, Dr. Bailey, if
a crustaceous animal
were able to kill
someone with its claws,
what would that look
like on the victim?
OK, well, the animal
in question would
have to be much stronger than
any crustaceans found anywhere
near this continent.
And the ones that we do know
of that can break bone, aside
from being thousands of miles
away, are remarkably slow
and easily avoided.
However, if that isn't
the case and there
is a crustaceous animal,
or animals, around here
that are much stronger than
anything we've encountered,
their pinchers
would leave marks,
looking like 2- to
3-inch scissor-style cuts
on the victim, likely
resembling that of someone who
was attacked with some sort
of scissors or pruning tool.
Now, I'd initially think
that all of these cuts
wouldn't occur that
high on the victim,
say, around the
feet or the ankles
or possibly even the calves,
as these animals are not
very tall.
But if their legs possess
the same enhanced strength
that their pinchers
do, it's quite possible
that these creatures are
able to jump to great heights
and attack somebody in
other areas of the body,
possibly removing fingers or
even more vulnerable areas,
such as the neck or the face,
severing vital arteries,
or even removing
facial features.
What exactly are you
trying to pull here, Reese?
There are four
people dead, Captain.
I am trying to prevent a fifth.
By blaming crabs or lobsters
or any other pinching creatures
you can think of?
Well, Captain, unless you
have any better leads,
unlike our latest victim
here, I'm all ears.
Captain, the wounds match--
no hair or fingerprints
found, no weapons
found, no footprints, no one
seen entering or exiting.
Fine, you want to
play Dr. Doolittle,
just do it out of
my sight, Bobo.
Come on,
Alex, let's go.
Reese?
Reese, I'm still blindfolded.
Ah.
Well, thanks for
giving me a ride.
It's the least I could do.
I realize what you
were telling them was
a stretch, to say the least.
But are they always
this hard on you?
No, this is a recent development
with a case a few months back.
A European circus came to
town, and one of the clowns
went missing.
Well, I guess
that explains "Bobo."
Hardy har-har.
Everyone seemed to think the
clown just ran away or possibly
defected.
But none of the evidence or
testimony pointed that way.
I know somewhere out there,
there's a field or a creek
or a storm drain with a very
colorful victim lying in it.
I just don't have
any way to prove it.
And now all this crab stuff
is just icing on the cake.
I think you mean icing
on the crab cake?
So why crabs?
Why do I like them?
Yeah.
Ever since I was a kid, I
just thought they looked cool.
Anytime we'd vacation
in a city that
had a coast or an aquarium,
I'd always beg my parents
to take me to go see it.
Heck, I've never even
eaten one because I never
wanted to cause one any harm.
I wanted to be a
marine biologist,
study them professionally.
But if you don't have the grades
or money, that line of work
is just a pipe dream.
You're not a fan
of them, are you?
I can't get close
enough to find out.
Allergic?
My hands itch any time I
come near them or anything
they've touched.
Hence, my near complete
lack of knowledge on them.
Did your hands itch at
any of the murder sites?
All three.
I believe you.
I don't know how any of this
would at all be possible.
But I believe you.
Well, thanks.
That makes one person.
Hopefully, no one
else has to die
before I convince anyone else.
Oh, and these things
aren't going to, like,
mate and pump out a billion
baby crabs, are they?
Well, these crustaceans are
far from run of the mill.
But larval development can
yield up to 2 million eggs.
What?
Relax.
It takes at least three
months for the eggs to hatch.
And it's not like
these things are
going to gaze up at a full
moon and start pumping out baby
murder crabs tomorrow morning.
Here's hoping.
Good night, Alex.
Good night, Detective.
This is stupid.
I'm not afraid of these things.
They just look like a
bunch of plastic toy crabs.
Ah!
Nyah!
Ah!
Uh!
Yah!
Why are you doing this to me?
I'm the one that likes you.
No billions of crabs, huh?
Well how the freshwater
fuck was I supposed to know?
Come on.
Let's get out of here before
we're turned into crab food.
What's our next move?
You're asking me?
You're the cop.
Yeah, but you're
the crab expert.
Newsflash, these are
not normal crabs.
I know as much about
these things as you do.
Well, then I guess we should
find out more about them now,
shouldn't we?
Well, I guess we should.
Great, how do we go
about doing that?
Well, if we had one
to study, that'd
be a good place to start.
That's a pretty good idea.
OK, let's go.
[EDVARD GRIEG,
"PEER GYNT SUITE NO.
1, IN THE HALL OF
THE MOUNTAIN KING"]
Get them off.
Ah.
Ah, ah, ah!
Ah, ah.
Ah!
Aye!
Ah.
The hell?
Crabble weed.
Ah, ah!
This is taking too long.
This will work.
Trust me.
It better.
I'm running out of patience.
Ooh, ooh, I see one.
Well, I still say there
were, oh, I don't know,
several thousand easier ways
we could have gone about this.
Possibly.
But I've never built
one of these before.
And it gave me the
perfect excuse.
Well, I suppose I
do have to give you
points on how quickly you
put this thing together.
Why, thank you.
I'm especially proud of the
bait that I came up with.
Speaking of which.
It's going for the bait.
Squee.
Well, it's now or never.
Here goes nothing.
Hey!
Are you fucking kidding me?
Oops.
Oops my ass.
OK, now what?
What do you mean, now what?
Slice it open.
Me?
You're the crab expert.
And you're the detective.
You're the one who deals with
crimes and labs and cadavers
and things.
Where the hell do you
think I work, Red Lobster?
OK, fine, I see more than
my fair share of stiffs.
But, A, I don't cut
any of them open.
And, B, they're all human,
not to mention the fact
that I am highly
allergic to these things.
But I don't
want to cut a crab.
It's already dead.
It won't feel a thing.
Fine, I'll do it.
And what, pray tell, do you
expect me to open this up with?
Is that a switchblade?
Those things are illegal.
Sure are.
What are you doing with that?
Handing it to you.
No way.
What if the police find out?
Ugh.
Ew, it pootered.
Did you say "pootered"?
Oh.
Ugh.
Ow.
That is the absolute
lowest of low tides.
I think I'm going to barf.
All right, all
right, pull it together.
All right, we have
to find out what's
going on with these things.
I don't think crabs
are supposed to be
filled with that much goo.
I suspect you're right.
What's that underneath it?
All I see is goo.
Well, goo and a bullet.
Check underneath it.
Go on.
Well, that's even weirder.
We go from a wet
goo to a dry powder.
Wait, how does a
powder like that
stay dry inside the
middle of a crab?
Let me see that knife.
How in the hell did that
stay unprocessed inside
of that crab?
What is it?
Coke.
Cocaine?
Are you positive?
I've seen enough cocaine to sink
two battleships and a circus
freak.
I am positive.
Well, do you think that's what's
making all these crabs act
this way?
Well, I've seen what too
much of it can do to humans,
so I wouldn't rule it out.
Great.
So now we know they're
junkies, how does that help us?
Wait a minute.
The first crab murder scene--
there were signs of cocaine
but no actual cocaine there.
Come on.
I want to check out
that frat house again.
But first, we need
to make a quick stop.
Hey, folks.
I don't know if things out
there are as bizarre for you
as they are for me.
But this building is surrounded
by some aggressively gnarly sea
life.
And judging by the sheer
mayhem these things are causing
in the streets, I'm going
to remain right here,
bunkered up in my
crab-free booth,
ready to relay any developing
news that I happen to hear.
DJ Cow Spank?
I'm Detective Charlie Reese.
Listen, we need to borrow
your airwaves for a bit.
Like, how do I know you're not
a crab trying to get in here?
Are
you frickin' kidding me?
Do I sound like a crab to you?
I don't know.
I've been fooled before.
Fine, ask me
something a crab wouldn't know.
OK, how many floors are in
the Empire State Building?
How
the fuck should I know that?
Now, see, that's something
a crab would say.
Dammit, open the door.
Hi, there.
Big fan.
Hey, there, listeners.
This is DJ Cow Spank
with you once again.
I have in the studio with me
at this time Detective Charlie
Reese.
And he's got an update
regarding the crab situation.
Take it away, Detective.
Hi, everyone.
I know things are crazy right
now, and in many cases, deadly.
But I want you to know
that we're doing everything
we can to contain this.
Now, I don't know the whole
story on these things yet.
But I do know that they're
hopped up on cocaine,
and they crave it madly.
While it seems that
they will attack just
about anything
and everything, it
seems that they are especially
prone to attack anything
that they think
might be cocaine.
This means anything
white, powdery, or both.
It's about time we caught
a break around here.
Hey, that's what I'm saying.
So please stay indoors,
and stay away from anything
they might think is cocaine.
Thank you.
All right, folks,
you heard the man.
Stay indoors, and
stay away from coke.
Whoa, it's like living my
1980s childhood latchkey
days all over again.
Yo, I ain't got no more coke.
Look, I had to start
moving Beanie Babies
just to pay the
rent on this place.
Hey, I told you, I got no coke.
Fuck me running.
So what are we
looking for again?
This is the scene of the first
murders committed by the crabs.
Really?
Here?
Yeah, a couple of frat boys
bit it in the backyard.
And we all know where
they went from here.
Yeah, everywhere.
But what I want to know
is, where were they
before they got here?
Well, OK.
If this is the first time
the crabs killed anyone,
and we now know that
they're full of cocaine,
and you said that there
were signs of cocaine,
but no actual cocaine was
found here because presumably
the crabs snorted it all.
So if they first killed here
and they first took coke here,
that means when
they got here, they
weren't super coked
out of their minds
and probably weren't leaping
all over the place, which
has them crawling on the
ground when they got here.
Now, they're not fast enough
to cross any major streets
without getting run over.
And they'd likely be seen,
even on one of these side
streets, which tells me that
wherever they came from,
they didn't get out in the open
too far away from this house.
They either had to
have cover, or they
were in a place with
no foot traffic.
Excellent detective work.
You get a sucker.
Fucking score.
So do you always keep giant
lollipops in your pocket?
Because that was
pretty left field.
Actually, I always try to
keep some form of sweets on me
whenever I'm on the job.
Well, that sounds weird.
Some of the scenes I arrive
at can be pretty hairy.
And unfortunately, kids
aren't exempt from them.
So I like to keep a
little something on me
to help with their nerves.
Aw, that's the nicest thing
I've ever heard you say.
Oh, but now I'm sad.
You gave me sad candy.
Yeet.
You have absolutely got
to be fucking kidding me.
What's up?
Is that
what I think it is?
Not going to have a
billion babies, huh?
What?
You said these things
weren't going to mate
and have a billion babies.
So?
So there's no away they all flew
to Earth fitting in that thing.
Well, evidently,
these are space crabs.
How the frick was
I supposed to know?
Come on.
Oh, look, it's shaped
like a little crab--
how cute.
Don't touch it.
But it's adorable.
Just don't touch it.
We should find a stick or
something to poke it with.
Ow, fuck butter.
I told you we should
have found a stick.
Wait a minute.
If they multiply, that
means this is ground zero.
And there's a mom and
dad crab out there
somewhere right now, right?
I think we've proven that
nothing about these crabs is
a gimme anymore.
True, but that would be the
case under normal circumstances,
right?
You think there's a mom
and dad crab out there
who are responsible
for the first killing?
I sure as shit burger do.
Shit burger?
We have to find those two.
OK, I'm a space crab who's
killer alien coke babies have
spread all over.
What do I do?
Probably to find
your kids some more
cocaine, which doesn't exactly
make you mother of the year.
I think you're right, though.
So we get our
hands on some coke,
and we lure the two parent
crabs out of hiding.
If there's even
any cocaine left.
For all we know, the
crabs snorted it all up.
I could check
evidence locker at HQ.
It's no guarantee, but it's
our best shot right now.
Police headquarters?
But that's right smack dab in
the middle of crab central.
It's too dangerous.
Which is why I'm leaving
you here until I get back.
OK, no arguments from me.
Just be safe, OK?
Ow, shit burger.
Any luck?
No.
Evidence was trashed.
But I did get the
next best thing.
This is bullshit.
You never said you were going
to drive me out to the boonies.
I don't say a lot of things.
Now, come on out of there.
Who's this guy?
Alex, this is the cocaine king.
Your majesty, this is Alex.
I don't give two rat farts and
a bowling trophy who she is.
I'm only here because you said
something about letting me go.
I did.
That is, if you help us out.
What do you need?
Guy calls himself the cocaine
king and asks me what I need.
I need cocaine, you idiot.
All right, I mean, you just
don't seem like the type.
But, hey, that's
none of my business.
It's not for me, you
powder-pushing moron.
These crabs crave it like
Joanie craves Chachi.
And I'm going to get some
and use it to lure them out.
Now, I know you know where
we can find some coke.
So you better start talking
fast before I find a crab
hill to stake you out on.
Very well.
But let it be known that
I, the cocaine king,
am the only criminal to ever
use cocaine to get out of jail.
Now, get these cuffs off me,
and bring me my cape and crown.
Ho.
Well, I'll be darn.
As you can see, I am never
far from my precious
cocaine.
Now, I have held up
my end of the bargain.
Are you going to hold up yours?
You are free to go.
Come on, Alex.
Hello, Mr. King.
It's not bad to be the king.
Well, it doesn't
look like the crab
situation has changed much.
I don't see any people, though.
Do you think they got your
message to stay inside?
Or do you think they've
all been killed off?
I'm hoping the former.
Jeez, it's like crabageddon,
or a crabalanche.
No, wait, crab-splosion.
Alex, focus.
Right, sorry.
OK, we've got a big bag of
the one thing that they want.
And we need to use it to
find the two original crabs.
Well, we're not even sure if
the two first crabs are even
in the area.
So we're going to have
to cover a lot of ground
with what we've got.
What if we crop-dusted it,
like with a drone or something?
Do you have access to a drone?
No.
Do you know how to fly a drone?
No.
If you did, would you
know how to perform
a timed release of a powdered
substance from a drone?
No.
Then that's probably a--
A bad idea, right.
Gotcha.
What if we dusted it ourselves?
You mean go over there in
the middle of all that?
They'd tear us to shreds.
Not if they think
we're one of them.
One of them?
Why in the heck would
they think we're one of--
This is stupid, and
we're both going to die.
Shh, just think crab thoughts.
And keep sprinkling cocaine
all over the ground.
You sound like the world's
worst guidance counselor.
Hey, I didn't hear you come
up with any better ideas.
That's because there
weren't any better ideas.
But that doesn't mean
that this is a good one.
Why do you have
these things anyway?
This is me we're
talking about here.
I mean, OK, I get that.
But why two of them?
It's an emergency backup, duh.
Moment of truth.
It's working.
Well, what do you know?
Hold the course, Miss Bailey.
We've got some coke-snorting
space crabs to wrangle.
Reese, Reese, look.
Those the mom and dad crabs?
Well, they're a different color
and about four times the size.
Good enough for me.
Lucky thing, too.
I just ran out of cocaine.
Ran out?
You can't run out.
Well, why not?
Because I just ran out.
Oh, great.
Now what the hell are
we supposed to do?
What are you asking me for?
You're the one who said
we needed to find them.
Well, I didn't hear you put
up any argument to that idea.
I thought you had a plan
for when we found them.
Well, I could say
the same for you.
You're the one who put us in
the middle of all of them.
Yeah, that's because I
thought you had a plan.
Yeah, the plan was to
find the first two crabs.
Well, mission
accomplished, Detective.
Uh-oh.
Well, if I'm dying, I'm not
doing it in this stupid thing.
Ah.
Ah.
Well, there went my best idea.
What do we do?
We need to make a break for it.
I'll go first.
And no matter what happens
to me, just keep running.
Reese, no.
It's the only way.
Now get ready.
1, 2--
Ah!
Reese.
Ah!
Reese!
I've had enough of this
bottom-feeding bullshit.
Argh.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
What the fuck is in this?
It's simple syrup.
What?
I'm a sugar hound.
Ugh.
Oh, rot knuckles.
Come on, they're getting away.
This is really weird.
Yep.
Gnarly.
Jinx.
Where'd they go?
I don't know.
Look, I found the skateboard.
Look.
Careful in there.
Remember, these
things are killers.
Ah!
Nyah!
Nuh.
I'm beginning to think
it was a bad idea
to follow them in here.
You and me both.
Come on.
Uh-oh.
What is it?
Oh, fudge.
Yeah.
Reese?
Go, go, go, go, go.
Yah.
Reese.
You fuckers like blow.
Well, blow this.
No, wait.
Look.
Well, I'll be.
Do we have enough compressed
air for all of them?
Not even close.
All right.
We need to use these to
destroy the other crabs.
Agreed.
And I've got just
the place in mind.
Let's get--
Ha-ha.
I was right.
You motherfuckers all
thought I was crazy.
Well, now every one
of you bitch-ass cops
who made fun of me
can eat my entire ass.
I was fucking right.
I was fucking right.
You're all moronic bullies.
And you can suck
some clown shit.
Reese.
Reese, we have to go.
Take
your stupid badges,
and shove them up your asses.
Reese, come on.
Sniff a dead clown's butt,
you flat-footed bastards.
DJ Cow Spank?
It's us again.
It's OK.
These are good crabs.
DJ Cow Spank, we're
going to need to borrow
your airwaves one more time.
Listen up all my faithful
listeners out there.
This is DJ Cow Spank--
--once again, back on the air
and broadcasting to you live.
I know it's a little
weird out there,
and it seems like the ocean
barfed up little demon critters
everywhere.
But I have some good news.
Back in the studio with me
are Detective Charlie Reese
and Alex Bailey.
And thanks to them,
we have a frequency
that will end this
crustaceous nightmare.
So whether you're here
in town or listening
through your web feed,
crank your volume.
Plug your ears, and
get ready for one heck
of a crab-splosion.
See?
I told you, crab-splosion.
Oh.
People of Earth, my name
is
from the planet Crabulon.
And this is my life mate, Susan.
We would like to thank all of
you for being so understanding
and for letting us speak
to you now, even after all
the damage that has been done.
For you see, we had no
idea what cocaine was
and that it would have such
a rampaging effect on us.
Or that it would
make me pump out
a billion coke-powered
murder babies, like I
was some sort of
nuclear-powered PEZ dispenser.
Yeah, we-- we're totally
sorry about that.
Mm-hmm, yeah, we're so sorry.
Also, it wasn't even
our idea to take
the cocaine in the first place.
It's true.
One of your earthling frat
boys shoved it in our faces.
So there.
Seriously, folks,
I speak firsthand
when I say that none of
you should ever do cocaine.
Yes.
Yes, that's right, no
matter how much housework
you may have to do.
It's dangerous stuff.
It sure is.
And we're also sorry for the
loss of life that the two of us
directly caused.
But one of them was a
classist yuppie piece of shit.
So there is that.
Yeah.
Nice.
Thank you.
Also, we hold no
grudge towards you
or any of your people
for any of our offspring
that you may have destroyed.
Let's face it.
They were bloodthirsty
alien coke babies,
and they needed to die.
We'll take questions now.
Can you tell us anything?
What's the--
What's it like on
planet Crabulon?
Well, we finally got
a Cheesecake Factory,
so we're pretty
stoked about that.
Does your kind ever wear pants?
Only on casual Fridays.
What was it like to kill
millions of your own children?
It felt pretty good.
Next question.
Do you have any racists
on planet Crabulon?
No, we feed racists
to the elephant squid.
How much pinching
occurs on your planet?
Not as much as you'd think.
Why exactly did you come here?
We've been trying to
reach you about your car's
extended warranty.
Boy, I sure hope they got
good meth on this planet.
Damn straight.
Yeah!
Cocaine-snorting
crabs from outer space.
They've traveled so far
just to pinch your face.
Cocaine-snorting crabs
from outer space.
They want to eat you because
they like the way you taste.
And we think of space as
deep and dark and vast.
But their crab spaceship
found us really fast.
They've been traveling since
the day of their birth,
till they discovered
cocaine right here on Earth.
They liked it so much,
they decided to stay.
They killed everything
that got in their way.
They don't want
slaves or our dogs.
They want our cocaine
with a side of frogs.
Cocaine-snorting crabs
from outer space.
They've traveled so far
just to pinch your face.
Cocaine-snorting crabs
from outer space.
They want to eat you 'cause
they like the way you taste.
They didn't come here
to smoke our Mary Jane.
We never thought they'd
take all of our cocaine.
We've never seen an
invasion such as this.
We thought there'd be a sign,
thanks for all the fish.
Those cocaine-snorting
crabs from outer space.
They've traveled so far
just to pinch your face.
Cocaine-snorting crabs
from outer space.
They want to eat you 'cause
they like the way you taste.
So if you see a crab
scooting down the street,
and it wants to snort
cocaine off your dirty feet.
Just remember, they're
a visiting alien race,
those cocaine-snorting
crabs from outer space.
Cocaine-snorting crabs
from outer space.
They've traveled so far
just to eat your face.
Cocaine-snorting crabs
from outer space.
They want to eat you 'cause
they like the way you
taste.
Yah, I'm a crab.