Code Name: The Cleaner (2007) Movie Script
Oh, yeah.
Tiptoe, hello.
Pow!
Shit!
Shit!
Breathe beauty in,
breathe nasty out.
Beauty in...
nasty out.
Ah.
My head is bleeding?
Damn!
"Pacific Crest"...
What am I doing here?
Who hit you?
I can't remember
a thing.
What's your name?
What is your name?
Why can't you
remember anything, huh?
Happy birthday, G...
Gggh...
Hello, this is...
It's okay, rela... okay,
I... I oughta have a wallet.
I'm missing my wallet!
Should have some ID.
What's this?
"Storage check. "
Who are you, man?
Come on. Come on, man.
No! No no no.
Shit.
What the hell is this?
Holy shit!
No way!
Wait a minute.
This is a lot of money, man.
This ain't right,
this ain't right.
Hello, front desk.
Eh, um...
- Hello?
- It-it...
- Sir?
- It-it...
- Hello?
- Bye.
Hel...
Refill minibar?
- What?
- Refill minibar?
- Refill the minibar?
- Yes.
No, man...
some other time.
Help!
Police!
Hello.
Let's go!
Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go!
- God, ma'am, I'm sorry.
- Ssh!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Shhh...
Hmm?
Bye.
- Jake? Jake!
- Huh?
You know me?
- Are you kidding?
- No, I'm not kidding.
Hey, what happened
to your head?
- I gotta go.
- Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa.
Just relax, you're
gonna be fine.
I'm here to help you.
Over here.
Hmm?
Roger, Dispatch...
Come on.
- Huh?
- Let's go!
Okay.
In the car.
Wait wait wait
wait wait wait.
What the hell is going on
and who are you anyway?
You really don't know
who I am?
No. I mean,
I have no damn idea
- who you are.
- You don't remember anything?
I think that's been
established, okay? L...
What were you
doing at the hotel?
I came to pick you up.
- You called me.
- I did?
Wh... what was I doing
at the hotel?
I don't know. What were you
doing at the hotel, Jake?
You really have
no idea who I am?
No, I have no idea!
What are you doing?
Are you crying?
Don... don't cry.
Why are you crying?
I can't believe you don't
remember your own wife.
Wife?
I'm married?
To a white woman?
Yes, to a white woman!
Look, okay, a'ight, look look
look, calm down,
don't cry, okay?
Don't cry, um...
um uh uh,
whatever your name is.
Diane.
My name is Diane.
Of course. I call you "Dynamite,"
"Di Baby," "Di Baby. "
No no. You don't call me that.
You call me Diane.
Of course I call you "Diane. "
There's no... okay, Diane.
Don't cry, baby,
all right? It's okay.
Everything's o... come over here
and give your man a big kiss.
We are definitely
married
'cause that's
some bullshit. Ow.
Jake, we are gonna have
to get you all fixed up.
Yeah, why don't we do that?
Get me fixed up.
I need a doctor to check out
Jake immediately.
Right, he's had
an injury.
I'm bringing
my husband home.
Yes. Yes,
to the country house.
- A dead FBI agent and 250 Gs...
- Yes. We're gonna be there shortly,
...and I'm married!
- So get the staff ready, okay?
It's been a hell
of a morning.
Yes, sir. Did you notice
if your window...
Tell me something.
The attendant said he saw
someone leave the room.
Any description?
He was black.
Oh, well, now that
you solved the case,
- could you tell me what happened?
- I don't know.
That's all you can say?
That man was part of your team.
Look, I know.
Find out who this room
is registered under.
It wasn't registered
to anyone.
- What, they just let themselves in?
- Apparently.
How could you not know what one
of your agents was doing up here?
Look, with... with... with
all due respect, all he did was phone.
He left me a message saying
that he'd come up with a lead,
but he wasn't
on a secure line and...
- And?
- And then that... that's it.
He said he was gonna call me later
and that's the last I heard from him.
I want you to search every
surveillance tape in the hotel.
Whoever did this has to have
been seen leaving the building.
I'm on it.
Oh, what's all this?
This is where
we live.
Wait wait wait... you're trying
to tell me I got it like this?
- That's what I said, baby.
- This is where I live
and ain't none of my cousins
or nothing living all up in here?
All these cars is mine,
all that lawn is me,
and all this house
is mine?
Well, that is,
until you die...
then it's all mine.
My mama know
about you?
Come on, baby.
Come on.
Yoo-hoo,
Daddy's home.
Hey hey, what are
you doing, man?
Sorry, sir. I was trying
to take your briefcase.
That's all you're gonna be
doing, is trying.
You ain't taking no
briefcase around here...
Jake! Simon's
our butler.
- Our butler?
- Oh...
my husband's having
slight memory problem.
- Memory problem, sir?
- Yes, memory problems.
Look, Simon, I can't
remember a thing right now,
but don't you worry, all right?
I'm just going to settle in
and try to get all this to work
for me, you know what I'm saying?
Now you're gonna leave me
hanging. Okay.
- Very good, sir.
- Thank you, Simon.
Thank you, madam.
So, uh...
what is it that I do
around here all day?
- You don't really have to do much.
- Why is that?
Honey, you're rich!
- I'm rich?
- Hmm.
I'm rich... I guess you don't
have to do much if you rich.
In that case, I ain't doing
nothing for the rest of the day.
As a matter of fact, I ain't gonna do
a damn thing tomorrow, either.
Except remember.
Right, angel?
Yeah. Where
the bedroom?
Mmm?
Wait a minute...
I'm rich,
I got a big house,
married
to a white woman.
Am I Lionel Richie?
Whoo...
this is
all right, huh!
- So this is my bedroom?
- Our bedroom.
Yeah.
And this is my chair?
You know, it could
use some plastic,
and these curtains...
these, uh...
All yours.
I mean, they
don't seem like me.
I mean, they real frilly.
Well, that's because
I picked them out.
Oh, sorry, babe.
You have
exquisite taste.
Thank you.
- So those are my trophies?
- Mm-hmm.
So I'm karate man, huh?
Who are all
these white people?
That's my family, Jake.
Don't you recognize anyone?
Why am I not
in the picture?
- You took it, remember?
- I took it.
Of course, I took it,
I took it.
I mean, what are you,
Creole?
- That's right, baby.
- That's what I thought.
Them red beans
and rice is working!
Doctor Soames, madam.
- Oh, the good doctor.
- Hello.
This is Dr. Soames.
He's gonna examine you
and make you
all better.
Ahem. Good.
Good, 'cause I need
to remember something.
Like, first of all, where is
the bathroom around here?
- Right through that door, sir.
- Cool.
I'm gonna be ready
for the examination
in a couple of minutes...
or a half hour.
You got any magazines?
Of course.
Here they are.
- Where's my "Jet"?
- "Jet," sir?
Yeah, the small, little magazine,
like a pamphlet...
a lot of pictures,
"Beauty of the Week"...
for people that like to read,
but not too much.
I'll get one immediately.
Anything else, sir?
- I got a craving for Skittles.
- Skittles, sir?
Yeah, man, I love those
little bite-size, chewy candies...
They're delicious!
They get stuck in your teeth, though.
- Right away, sir.
- Good.
Oh, and if you
don't mind,
can you pick me up
some frozen Tater Tots?
Right away, sir.
This may be asking
for too much...
but two birthday balloons
and a pony?
And a Spiderman kite?
Spiderman kite, sir.
And get yourself
something nice.
You know, maybe... maybe get some
color contacts or something.
- Thank you, sir.
- It'd look nice with your outfit.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, nice.
Oh hell, no.
I know I wear
no pink underwear.
Uh-uh... no,
this ain't right.
That ain't right.
Okay. Now, show me
the lobby.
There it is...
that's it, right there.
- Okay, I'm gonna need the master tape.
- Right.
- Okay, that does it.
- Your Skittles, sir.
That's what I'm talking
about, right there!
- Can I have a word, Diane?
- I'll be right back.
- Mm-hmm. Have a Skittle, brother.
- No thank you, sir.
Come on, man,
taste the rainbow.
- Good, ain't they?
- Mmm.
Mm?
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Here...
here's the "Jet"
Beauty of the Week. Fine.
- There's a sister.
- Lovely.
Says this girl's hobby
is slapboxing and archery.
Fascinating.
- Those my golf clubs?
- Yes, sir.
Well, let's fire
them puppies up.
Yeah. Ha.
Okay.
Here we go.
That would be
a slice, sir.
Slice of what?
Pizza?
- Son of a bitch!
- Uh-oh. Sorry.
Here we go.
Here we go...
What on earth
is he doing?
One wing of his brain
has shut down.
Some recent events,
recent acquaintances
have been
temporarily lost.
He still knows how to eat
with a fork, drive a car,
go to the bathroom...
and play golf.
Swing, batter!
Usually, the recovery
transpires in waves
or flashes over a
three-to-five day period.
Any number of things
can trigger his recovery...
a person's face, a certain
smell, a familiar sound.
We don't have five days.
How do we speed it up?
Arousal sometimes
can do it.
Oh my.
Whew, well...
That's about
enough of this.
Simon, I think
I'll take a little nap.
- Jake?
- Oh! Whoo!
Are you feeling
better?
Hell yeah!
I mean...
but I think I'm gonna have
the good doctor come back
and take my
blood pressure again.
Why?
'Cause of these?
You bought them
for me.
Remember?
Oh, yeah.
Still can't believe
that you don't remember me.
Well, big Jake can't
remember shit right now,
but little Jake is
screaming, "I'm home!"
Oh, come on.
Think hard.
Yeah, try and
remember something.
Anything.
Come on,
for me, baby.
Ooh! Like what?
Like...
the computer chip
you had at the hotel.
Computer chip?
I don't...
You went there
to return it,
- remember?
- Well, computer chip,
potato chip, chocolate chip... I don't
know what you're talking about.
I'm just so happy I'm
married to a freak!
Come on, baby.
Give me one memory.
Okay, baby, talk and
blow now, talk and blow.
Okay, a memory...
sure sure. Um...
Oh, yeah. I remember,
uh uh, combat.
Really?
Uh, oh, some place
called "Digital Arts. "
- Keep it coming, baby.
- No, you keep it coming. Come here.
- I wanna tell you something.
- Hmm?
You know what? You wait here,
I'll be right back.
Where are you going?
Did I cross the line?
Don't take too long!
Little Jake
can't be alone right now.
- That's it. I'm not going any further.
- Fine.
- Plan B then?
- Yes, do it.
What's in it?
It's a hot mix of speed
and sodium pentothal.
Will it make him talk?
Oh, he'll talk, all right.
But I have to tell you,
there is a chance that it could
cause his brain to scramble
- and send him into cardiac arrest.
- Cardiac arrest?
Hopefully, you'll get what you
need before his heart explodes.
Shit!
Whoa.
Help me.
Yes!
Damn, that was smooth.
# Get 'em up,
put 'em up #
# HP, KG,
light 'em up... #
#... All the ladies
got you going crazy #
# All the fellas
getting that gravy #
# Get 'em up,
keep 'em high #
# Once again, it's on
'cause everything is live #
# Live at the PJs #
# But it's the nine-nine
independent Mo Treader Hot's way #
# Yeah, if you're looking for
the boogie, you're looking for me #
# Everybody wanna party
with the R.O.C. #
Gotta see what this
is all about.
Ah, man, the cops are still here!
Damn!
Huh?
Tulip Tour?
Okay. Hmm, what is that?
I'll take these.
Uh, excuse.
- Oh, yes sir.
- I have a...
how do you say?
Ticket for you to find something
- I... I would not lose.
- Oh, of course.
There you go.
This is it?
So you're Dutch?
Of course, yeah.
You have never heard
of Dutch chocolate?
Ricola!
Hold the door,
hold the door.
Klompen Dancers!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Klompen Dancers.
Oh-hh...
Shake it.
# Hey! #
# Hey! #
- # Hey! #
- # Hey! #
# Hey! #
Hey!
You're great!
# Hey! #
# Hey! #
Klompen Dancers!
"Digital Arts
Research Technologies. "
Yes!
An address... "1221
Casshern Avenue. " Oh, yeah.
What the...
It must be a message.
You giving me
a signal?
Maybe.
Are you Hotbuns69?
What?
I'm Sweatyandready...
from the chat room.
Oh hell, no. No, you got
the wrong surfer, buddy.
Too bad.
Your loss, Mandingo.
- Weirdo.
- Hey, I work out.
Do you work out?
Go, Brown Sugar, dance it up!
Okay.
A'ight... who am I?
I'm wealthy,
got a phat crib.
Oh, yeah. Yeah yeah
yeah, got a hot wife...
hot hottie.
Diane.
My underwear's too small.
I don't wear no pink thong.
I know I don't wear
a pink thong.
Love Skittles.
Especially
the green ones.
I wonder what
that means.
Wow.
# Well #
- # Who's that lady? #
- Hmm.
# Who's that lady? #
# Sexy lady,
who's that lady? #
# Beautiful lady,
who's that lady? #
# Real fine lady,
who's that lady? #
Hey hey hey!
Damn, what is this, your first
day on the job?
Oh, you wanna play?
Hey hey hey,
hey hey hey!
You're making
the willy chilly.
Why haven't you
called me?
Lady... miss,
ma'am...
- I have been busy.
- Oh, you have been busy?
Too damn busy
for your Boo?
Damn, I got
a Boo too?
- Oh, you are gonna get it!
- That's... stop it.
Gina, stop!
Oh, so now it's coming
back to you.
No, I just read your
name tag, crazy waitress lady.
What the hell is wrong
with you?
You... attack all
your customers?
Look, I've already
been traumatized.
What the hell
happened to your head?
Ehh... besides you
trying to smack me,
I... I got hit
with something.
Ow, ah, ah-hh.
Toast up, Gina.
- A'ight, I'll be right back.
- Yeah.
And...
"fine ass girlfriend. "
Crazy, but fine.
Hey, Gina,
that building across the
street means something to me.
That's where you do
your business, fool.
I do? Like,
is that my company?
- Your company.
- Yeah, like, do I own that place?
- Why are you messing with me?
- I'm not messing with you.
Otherwise, how would I know
that this place only has three exits?
Or that that woman eats a
short-stack of blueberry pancakes
every morning without syrup?
How would I know that?
That this guy drinks two cups of
coffee, then steals the sugar packets
when no one's looking?
Oscar, put the
Sweet'N Low down... now!
Gina! Gina.
Look,
some strange stuff has
been happening to me.
There's only one
explanation... am I...?
- A fool?
- No.
- Seriously!
- What...
Look, Gina,
am I a secret agent,
- you know, licensed to kill...
- Shh shh shh.
Shh.
We shouldn't even be
talking about this.
Of course, I mean, this place
could be bugged. Sure.
Go ahead,
tell me more.
- You're a killer.
- A killer...
like... like Green Beret,
Navy Seal, Army Ranger?
No, you're in
a class by yourself.
- By myself.
- You've got a code name...
"The Cleaner. "
The Cleaner.
Listen, the government
calls you in to mop up.
Okay, I see where
they going with this...
The Cleaner
mops up trouble.
Gina, how many men
have these hands killed?
Oh, they've taken out
a lot of trash.
Of course... keeping the world
safe from human debris.
- Destroyed millions of germs.
- Germ warfare.
Cleaned countless
toilet seats!
"Cleaned countless
toilet sea... "
- What?
- You're a janitor, dumbass.
- No.
- I don't have time for this.
No no no no,
I am special ops!
Try special "mops. "
"Broom Raider"!
Let me break it down for you...
you're a janitor.
You work at Digital Arts.
Huh? Nah.
No no no no no no.
- You had to see me yesterday.
- Check, please.
- Oh, one second.
- I'm, like, flipping off balconies,
I cannonballed onto a truck
and landed like a cat.
I was like James Bond
on Red Bull.
Jake, you know people can do
incredible things when they're scared.
Scared? Who said anything
about being scared?
- Ain't nobody scared.
- Eggs still up, Gina!
Boo!
Scramble this, Charlie.
There he is. I know the back
of that head any damn where.
Hey, and with
your church clothes on.
Where the hell
have you been, Jake?
- I know you guys, right?
- Yeah, I'm your daddy.
Come on, Jake,
don't play dumb.
He not playing.
Look at his face.
What's going on?
Y'all... y'all mad at me?
I've been in shit water
all morning.
- I'm mad at everybody!
- So I really am a janitor.
Yeah, you. But me,
I got bigger dreams.
I'm a rapper inside.
I'm about to explode.
Come on, the "Clean
Dirty Doo"?
# It's all about doo-doo,
they're trying to flush me #
# I ain't diarrhea
so you can't rush me #
# It's doo-doo! Listen to me closely,
wiping me like paper #
# Can't throw me around,
can't flush me! #
Excuse me, guys.
# We're rolling money like toilet paper,
money like toilet paper, yeah... #
I went from ballin'
to not-at-all-in'.
- A couple of coffees here.
- Gina,
I feel like
I'm losing my mind.
Now, I think
you're my friend.
- Can you help me? Please?
- Sure.
Show me where I live.
- Can we leave now?
- Okay.
Jake, I need you
for the video.
Jake?
Good morning,
Digital Arts.
Good morning.
- He's waiting for you, Diane.
- Thank you.
- What happened?
- I told you...
I took him to your house,
got him to trust me,
- but he didn't remember anything.
- You really believe that?
Yes, he believed
I was his wife.
So where do we stand?
We've got a janitor out there
that's breached our security
with company property
and has absolutely
no memory
of any of it.
Really? A janitor is really
putting you through all this trouble.
We have Jake's
place covered.
We're tracking Riley down and
we've issued a warrant for his arrest.
My buyers expect
the product by Monday.
I'm handling it.
Here we are.
No! That's my crib?
You should've seen
where I lived yesterday.
It was on a whole
'nother level!
Cops!
- I gotta take you somewhere familiar.
- Oh, I believe
I'm there right now.
# I'll kill you
with my plunger #
# I'll pull your heart
with my plunger #
# You ain't never
seen a plung... #
Oh-oh. Hey hey hey,
don't come in here now.
I'm cleaning, okay?
Oh, no, you look like
you gotta go bad.
Do not use
that last stall.
I need to talk
to you about uh...
- Jake Rodgers.
- Oh, Jake?
- Yes.
- Jake is my man!
Yeah, we got big plans!
- What sort of plans?
- He's gonna manage me.
It's me, Ronnie, the Dirty
Clean Rapper... me.
It's a metaphor, see?
Can you feel me?
Shut up!
Tell me about Jake Rodgers.
Is he really a janitor?
Uh, not a good one. Otherwise
he'd be here now, right?
I wouldn't be here by myself,
cleaning up this whole bathroom.
So he could be doing
something else?
Right?
We all could be doing
something on the side.
On the side?
You're asking a whole lot
of questions,
um... agent...
- Sir.
- Sir.
- Uh-huh.
- You want me to call you "sir" now?
Like "mass-sir,"
like I'm a slave?
And even though I don't like
the way Jake cleans up around here,
I'm not a snitch
nor a rat...
either one of them
put together...
I'm not a snat or a rit!
Okay?
You done hit the wrong
janitor! Come on!
Oh.
So you're gonna
shoot me?
I was thinking about it.
Shoot me.
Shoot me... you gonna
shoot me in the bathroom.
That's what I've
been waiting on.
This is my street credibility
right here! I ain't been shot yet!
That's why I ain't
sellin' no albums!
What was I thinking?
That's why I'm not sellin' no albums.
If I die, I'm Tupac.
If I live, I'm 50 Cent.
What if I end up somewhere
in the middle, like in a coma?
Yeah! I can write all my rhymes
in a coma, just...
"beep... "
"How does he do it?"
And writing to the beat
of the... "beep... "
And every now and then
I can show a little struggle
and come out...
and go back in.
Oh, man, selling records
and laying down!
Oh, shoot me, shoot me
in the shoulder.
Come on...
the top part.
No, shoot me in my side,
like right here.
Dude, like, shoot
a piece of fat off.
You know what I mean?
No, man, that'll hurt.
I know... shoot me in my ass.
In my ass!
'Cause that will be
like what the police do anyway...
shooting brothers in the backside.
And at the end of my concert
I can pull my pants down
and show my ass
like... "This is what y'all
did to me, America!"
Shoot me in the ass!
Gotta be in the ass.
Shoot me right there!
Give me another pocket!
Put it in
my ass, come on!
Come on! Shoot me
in the ass, come on!
Shoot me in the ass,
right in the middle.
Come on, put it in my ass!
Put it in my ass!
Put it in my ass! I can take it...
Put it in my ass! Put it in my ass!
Come on!
Right here, in the ass!
You know, I...
I don't even
know you anymore.
Oh, damn.
All right, here we are.
Damn, girl, you kind
of a slob, ain't you?
Are you always
on the job?
You've been having
a rummage sale?
You know you're too cute
to be living like this, right?
Oh, this is
your cell phone.
- This is my cell phone?
- Check the call log.
Maybe it'll help you
remember something.
Good good good good.
This will prove I know
what I'm talking about.
I'm sure all the numbers in here
are classified... CIA, everything.
All right, recent calls, here we go...
Papa John's,
Papa John's,
Quiznos,
El Pollo Loco,
uh...
Crazy Chicken.
Spies gotta eat,
right?
Right. This is your
work shirt. Explain this.
Yeah. You know, it is obvious
that I'm undercover as a janitor.
- Undercover?
- Look,
you are a waitress,
all right?
So this may be
over your head,
but is there's some serious,
serious super-spy stuff going on here.
- This is what I do!
- Okay, super-spy,
- let's take a look at this.
- Ow!
Such a baby.
You know...
you really could use
a janitor in your life.
Look at this mess...
Oh, man.
Riley gave you those.
- Who's Riley?
- You don't remember your friend Riley?
He's an exec
at Digital Arts.
Well why would he give me
these games?
You're a freak
for video games, Jake.
Digital Arts manufactures them.
You even gave Riley ideas on
how to make them better.
- I did?
- Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
You came in here a few
days ago in a big hurry.
You said it wasn't safe
to go back to your place.
You said a whole lot of stuff
is gonna make sense to me soon.
- Do you remember any of this?
- Ack!
Sorry.
I remember alcohol stings
like a bitch. Damn!
You said, "We're gonna get away for
the weekend, maybe go on a vacation,"
- remember?
- You and I?
Where... where, like,
like the Bahamas?
I can see that...
a couple of mai tais,
- maybe a little coconut oil.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, Gina,
how long have I been
uh, you know,
- hittin' it?
- "Hittin' it"?
Trust me, you ain't
hit nothing yet.
You would remember
hittin' Mama.
- What kind of girl you think I am?
- Well, damn,
if I could remember what kind
of woman you are, I would remember
what kind of man I am. Then I would
know why my clothes are over here
and I ain't hittin' it.
Hey, you have left your
super-spy watch on the sink.
Hey hey hey,
don't touch that.
This is government-issued,
I'm sure.
You push the wrong button
on this thing and boom!
Pah! Goodbye,
New Guinea.
You know, Jake, I've got a bad feeling...
I think we need to get out of here.
- Hey, Gina?
- Mm-hmm?
This may not be a good time
to bring this up because, uh,
well, it involves
another woman.
Another what?
- Another woman.
- Oh, I heard you!
What about
this other woman?
Okay, all right, she told
me her name was Diane.
The "who-what-and-why"
of Diane right now!
Well, I met her at the hotel
yesterday and then she took me
- to this big-ass estate.
- Mm-hmm.
And then she had
a doctor check me out.
That's it?
- Then her clothes came off.
- What?
- I'm gonna smack you.
- Would...
Would you stop... hold on
just a second, okay?
It wasn't like she was naked, okay?
She had on some lingerie.
- Ah...
- you know? Little cool,
little pink thing, you know,
with the glittery lotion, you know?
Damn it.
It wasn't like
it was dirty.
She was my wife!
Your wife?
She was your wife?
Okay, quit it with
the haymakers.
Thank you.
- Hmm.
- That's what she told me, all right?
I didn't believe her, though,
because in my subconscious mind
there was a voice saying, "Jake,
don't do this, man.
There's somebody out there
that loves you more than your wife. "
- You expect me to believe that?
- Yeah.
You know she tried to kill me,
right?
- Come on.
- Shit!
Roger that.
No luck duplicating
the chip?
Not by Monday.
Know what I've got
in my hand? Security footage
showing Jake Rodgers leaving
the Pacific Crest Hotel.
And you know who else
is on it?
You're just lucky that I got
this before any other agent saw it.
You're lucky
you're still here.
Hey, I'm not
your employee.
I'm not your head of security
that you're dating on the side.
You get the chip,
I set up the buyers
and I keep the rest of
the FBI off your case.
So far, I've kept
my end of the deal.
A janitor can't outrun
a citywide manhunt.
What if he's not?
Not what?
A janitor? What if he's
not just a janitor?
What if he's an
undercover agent?
You said you knew all of the FBI
assigned to this case.
If he's not CIA, NSA,
or Military Intelligence,
they're not gonna tell us
they're on our turf.
They're gonna want that
bust for themselves, right?
- You're serious?
- Yeah, it happens all the time.
- Parallel investigations.
- I questioned him up close, okay?
There's no way
this guy is faking.
Maybe he played you.
Or he is hurt... did lose his memory,
but he's running on instinct.
What better cover to infiltrate
your company than a janitor?
Janitors go anywhere, everywhere,
nobody pays any attention to them.
They're hired help.
They are the only people who have
key cards to every room in the building.
Total access.
Janitors work after hours, after
everyone else has gone home.
If I was looking
for the perfect cover,
that'd be it.
He started work here
a year and a half ago.
That's when we started
developing the X-1 chip.
No, it's coincidence.
A lot of
coincidences.
A spy pretending
he is a janitor
or a spy who thinks
he's a janitor,
either way he's a lot more
dangerous than we ever anticipated.
It doesn't matter.
I want the chip,
then I want him dead.
Yes.
Where?
Stay on him.
A lead on Riley.
Shut up, you idiot!
- Did you get him?
- Hey,
I'm just trying to make
sure things are tight...
protecting you,
show you some love.
That's what I do.
And I'm, uh, also good
at a few other things.
Oh, hell no. You
are still in cheaters' jail.
Look, you need to tell me
what's going on here.
All right.
All right,
all right, all right.
I found this briefcase
at the hotel yesterday.
- It's full of money.
- How much money?
Well, minus a double
mochaccino,
and a couple
of lottery tickets...
about $250,000.
Oh my, dog,
you nicked this cash
for a mochaccino and
a couple of Quick Picks?
Eh... still think
I'm a janitor?
Look, Diane mentioned
something about a computer chip.
And I think they
think I have it.
Maybe that's what
they want.
Well, if they want it,
they can have it!
I just don't wanna end up
like the dead guy at the hotel.
Dead guy?
You didn't mention anything
to me about a dead guy.
It's not the best icebreaker...
"How you doing, Miss Waitress Lady?
I just woke up
next to a dead FBI agent.
- What's your special?
- FBI?
Jake, this is serious.
You're in a lot of trouble.
- You need to tell me everything.
- That's it.
I mean, that's
all I know.
We need to get you back to your
place... that'll help you remember.
I'm gonna change.
I'll be right back.
Who is Riley?
Diane...
freaking wife!
Gina...
fine-ass girlfriend
saying I ain't hit it.
Question mark.
Computer chip.
Digital Arts,
Digital Arts...
Quiznos, Quiznos...
must be a code...
Be careful of The Rat.
We're in his territory now.
Prepare to die,
Colonel Bowman.
This ain't
what you want!
Yeah.
Gina,
- I remembered something.
- What?
I am definitely
not a janitor.
I'm some kind of bad-ass
Special Forces,
like...
like Black Rambo.
Okay, "Blambo",
what else?
I'm a colonel.
- Hello?
- Where have you been?
- Who's this?
- It's Riley.
- Who do you think it is?
- Riley?
Listen, you were right about
everything. Don't trust anyone.
You meet me at the airport
as fast as you can,
SEATAC terminal number one
and come alone.
Janitor, my ass.
- Who was that?
- Get your stuff, let's go.
Okay, now he thinks I'm coming
alone so I need you to sit tight.
- But I wanna help.
- You wanna help, you...
look, I don't know how
to say this. Gina,
you're just a waitress,
I'm the agent.
If I wanna know what
the soup of the day is, I'll ask you.
But until then I need
you to sit in the car
and just wait for me, okay?
It's dangerous in there.
- But, Boo...
- No no no. No no no no.
Don't "but Boo" me
right now.
Stay in your lane,
okay?
Oh.
...your baggage
unattended.
All your personal items must
remain with you at all times.
This is the last call
for boarding
for flight #486, nonstop
service from Seattle to Phoenix...
- Hey, Jake.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You're Riley, right?
Of course.
What is wrong with you?
- I got hit in the head.
- Where's the X-1, Jake?
- The computer chip?
- Yes yes. Where is it?
Everybody is looking
for this thing.
So that's why
I was at the hotel?
- You aren't kidding, are you?
- No.
- I can't remember shit.
- You went to talk to the Bureau.
You went to meet with the FBl...
you remember that?
I promise, man.
I, I-I, I don't know.
The last thing that you said was
that you were headed to Boca Raton.
Go! Go go go.
Hi, honey.
- Move it.
- Don't do it. Stop.
Let's go.
Get your hands off.
- Hi, baby. I tried to call you.
- In the car.
L... put...
uh, hey... stop!
Get your hands off me.
- Look, this ain't what you want...
- Get in!
Hey hey...
- you don't have to push me.
- Move.
- Hey hey hey. Come on, man.
- Jake,
you might not believe this,
but I'm here to help you.
I'm telling you, this is
your last chance.
Obviously, our marriage
is not based
on trust and
communication.
Jake, we're not
really married.
What?
- No.
- Look, you took something.
Give it to me or I can't
help you anymore.
You call this help?
You call this help?
Who are you supposed
to be, more help?
You don't
recognize me?
- You don't know who I am?
- Hell, no.
He still doesn't
remember anything.
Or maybe his memory is
back and he's just faking it.
No way you can bullshit
Stick him.
Oh, ooh-ooh.
No no no no.
Come on and get it.
Aye, you got me.
This drug is only
effective for a few moments.
Start to question him.
Jake? Jake!
Whoo-whoo.
Where did you hide
the chip?
Oh, I hid the chip in...
in my treasure chest,
under the castle,
with my pet dragon, Gus.
You'll like Gus.
He breathes fire.
You gotta
be more specific.
- Hello.
- Now Jake,
you got a secret and you're
gonna feel a whole lot better
if you just give it up and just tell us
what we wanna know. Come on.
I have a secret?
I know I have
a secret, I...
I admit it, I admit it.
But you gotta admit it too.
Martha Stewart's hot.
- She's hot.
- We don't wanna hear this, Jake!
I don't wanna hear this!
I want the truth!
Just tell me
the truth!
Whoo, the truth is...
your breath smells like ass.
Whew!
Funky time!
Okay, that's it.
Shut him up.
What the hell is that?
He's having a reaction to the drug.
You gave him too much.
Hey!
Don't!
Don't kill him.
- What are you looking at? Go get him!
- Run!
- Yeah yeah.
- This way.
- Boy, am I glad to see you!
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
- Hang on.
Sweet Jesus!
Damn, they're shooting.
Get d... get out!
Grab the wheel!
Hyah!
Hey hey hey.
Damn, girl!
You got skills.
So I take it you're not
just a waitress?
I'm a federal agent, Jake.
Federal agent?
Why didn't you tell me?
You're on a strictly
need-to-know basis...
like the soup of
the day, super-spy.
Okay.
The man that shot at you back there,
his name is Richard Shaw.
So wait... wait,
you know him?
Yes, unfortunately
he's with the FBI too.
- Crane here.
- Martin, we have a situation here.
Uh-huh. I just had a very
disturbing conversation with Shaw.
Now, you need to turn yourself
in immediately.
You don't understand.
Shaw has turned.
That's exactly what
he said about you.
Just tell me exactly where you are.
We'll straighten this whole thing out.
- I can't do that, Martin.
- Gina?
Gina!
Shaw got to Crane.
We're on our own.
Whoa whoa whoa, what does
this mean, "We're on our own"?
- I've been working undercover, Jake.
- Damn.
We discovered that by altering the
encoded chip in the X-1 video game,
classified information can be
transferred undetected.
Damn! Espionage.
That's what it is.
Someone at Digital Arts wants to
sell the chip on the black market.
You get the picture.
I was assigned to you.
You were assigned to me? For what?
Why would you be assigned to me?
- Because you have the chip, Jake!
- I have the chip.
I have the chip.
- Riley, did you check out the chip?
- Yeah, I checked it out.
You were right, Jake...
the processor chip for
our new gaming console, the X-1,
it's got another chip
engraved inside its circuitry.
Somebody's been
developing a spy chip
using our gaming
research as a cover.
You just change around a couple
of polarities, you go from video games
to making unbreakable
codes, you understand?
The CIA, NSA... nobody
could break these encryptions.
So if somebody can get
ahold of this thing...
they could smuggle in
anything, plan an attack,
and we couldn't even
track 'em down!
We gotta stop 'em, Jake.
Of course. Of course
I have the chip.
That's what this operation
is all about!
And you must be a support-level
agent assigned to assist me
in this thing.
Also, I guess it's a good
time to tell you, Gina...
My real name is Colonel Bowman.
Welcome aboard.
I got some bad news
for you, Colonel.
I'm running errands
for you now?
What do you need, a PowerBook,
an AC adaptor or something?
You're not
gonna like this.
Here's your
Colonel Bowman.
It's your favorite game.
Okay okay, so maybe
I got the name wrong,
but explain
these skills, huh?
You learned the moves from
the video game, Jake.
It's just
coincidence.
- Be careful of The Rat.
- I mean that don't prove nothing, Gina.
- This ain't what you want.
- Okay? I'm a master!
It takes years of training
to do what I do.
Jake, you leave me
no choice.
We had you
under surveillance.
Wait, what?
Y'all were looking in my house?
That ain't right.
We caught you in one of your
training sessions.
You were spying on
a spy? Damn!
Oh, it gets worse.
Okay, will you
turn that off?
Not pretty.
Ha-aa, this ain't
what you want.
Turn the thing off.
Turn it off.
- Turn... turn this thing off.
- Okay, okay.
Let's go.
All right, but we're
going back your place.
Prepare to die,
Colonel Bowman.
Wow, what a dump!
This is your place.
Does it look familiar?
This my place?
Huh? No.
Hey, Gina.
Since you're really FBI, I guess
you never really were my Boo, huh?
Sorry.
Hmm, you acting jealous,
you... you were just
faking that too, right?
Jake, let's just say you made
it easy for me to keep my cover.
Another place,
another time.
Hey, you never know.
- Did I treat you right?
- Always.
# Am I the lover
that I think I am? #
You're sweet.
You make me laugh.
- And we love to eat together.
- I took you ice-skating?
Yeah, you're
pretty romantic.
Look how cute you are
in those tights.
Yeah, but I couldn't get
a extra large?
- Hey, you've got messages.
- Yeah?
Hey, Jake, it's Steve,
from Quiznos. Bad news...
someone jacked our bread truck.
No worries, bro.
Your sandwich will be delivered
as usual. Just how you like 'em...
triple oven-baked...
"Spies gotta eat. "
That's
what I'm saying.
- That's what I'm saying.
- Jake, it's Riley.
Sector Seven
is just not working yet.
You can't kill the man in the
black coat before the eagle strikes.
I need more help with this. I hope your
friends at the agency don't mind.
You see? You see, that's
what I'm talking about.
That's some real
spy talk right there.
- I knew it, I knew it.
- It's Riley.
- Mm-hmm.
- You're right.
Hauck must be in on this.
When you meet the FBI,
remember: No names, no IDs.
Only contact me on my cell.
You gotta come through on this.
From here on out
you're "The Cleaner. "
- Did you hear that?
- Yeah, I did, actually.
I'm "The Cleaner,"
I'm "The Cleaner"!
I knew it!
I told you!
It's Riley again.
Did you leave town?
You mentioned Boca Raton.
Where are you, Jake?
- Boca Raton?
- Were you planning a trip there?
No! No.
Boca Raton is a city
north of Miami in Florida.
Nothing.
Boca Raton...
"the mouth of the rat. "
- Huh?
- Spanish for "mouth of the rat. "
"Mouth of the rat. "
Mouth of The Rat...
yes!
- I know where the chip is!
- You know where the chip is?
That's what I'm saying.
- You're sure?
- Yes, yes! I'm positive! Come on!
- What?
- Would you put th...
- bac... those are mine!
- Stop it!
Look, I don't wanna be noticed.
Well, I guarantee you're gonna
get noticed in that getup.
Look, would you
put those back?
The plan is we get in,
we get out. It's simple.
Maybe you're right.
I mean it is after hours.
Nobody'll recognize me.
Hey, can you open
the gate?
Well, if it isn't
Mr. Jake Rodgers.
You know everybody
is looking for you?
I could get $75 for turning you in.
What's going on?
I know, baby, okay? But right
now, I need you to let me in.
Baby, I know you didn't
just call me "baby"!
How about calling me "Jacuzzi"?
How about that, Jake?
Why would
I call you that?
'Cause it's my name.
- It's French.
- French?
- You don't know nothing about that.
- Look, okay, whatever.
Jacuzzi, would you open
the gate, please?
No! You didn't even
remember my name.
I guess you also forgot how you
was all up on a sister
at the Christmas party?
Just all up in through here.
No no, I wasn't with you
at no company Christmas party.
What? Okay, hold on.
Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.
Oh! What? Bam!
But uh...
Huh-uh.
What the hell!
- Hmm?
- No!
Is that a goat?
Whoo!
Are we in the manger?
Okay, wait, hold on.
Is it all coming back
to you now?
Damn, do everybody
got pictures of me?
You promised me dinner,
Jake, and I want it.
- Look, fine.
- And I don't want no damn nine-piece.
I wanna go to a nice restaurant
where they got the salad bar
- and free refills.
- Okay, free refills, you got it, okay?
But right now, I'm gonna
have to ask you
- to get in the trunk.
- What?
Look, this is for your benefit
so you don't get fired
or nothing, okay,
from your job. Get in the trunk.
No, I ain't getting
in no trunk.
- Get in the trunk.
- No!
Get in the trunk.
You went with Asian?
- Hello, Riley.
- Hello.
So tell us... what was
your meeting with Jake about?
Oh, we were discussing how
to get you behind bars.
What happened to you?
You used to be
a real team player.
Well, that was when the team
made video games, not weapons.
You shouldn't have
called the FBI.
At the time I didn't know
that you'd bought a few agents.
One less, thanks
to your friend Jake.
What? What are you
talking about?
Eric, I think you should
take a look at this.
Shh!
It's this way.
How do you know?
I just do.
Bad memory and
an attitude.
Okay, this is it.
Colonel Bowman's
revenge.
Remember...
we get in, we get out.
Okay.
This is the motion capture stage
for the game designers.
I remember
sneaking in here.
Check this out.
This is it.
This is the throne
of the drug lord,
code name "The Rat. "
I knew it! I knew
all this stuff was real!
So now what?
"Boca Raton," baby.
You said it yourself...
"the mouth of the rat. "
I hid the X-1
right here.
- The chip!
- How do you like me now?
- You did it!
- That's right, I did it.
Okay, come on.
Let's get out of here.
So nice of you to come,
Mr. Rodgers.
So nice of you to come,
Mr. Rodgers.
So nice of you to come,
Mr. Rodgers.
Thanks for calling the FBI
on such an important matter.
Anything I can do
to help my country.
You fellas
got some ID?
You're a cautious man.
That's good.
Now hand over the chip.
Got a little something
for me?
Here it is...
$1/4-million
in thanks.
Obviously, this is
just between us.
It seems a little more
than a thank you.
Seems like a payoff.
I was just testing you.
Something's not right here.
Don't get too clever,
janitor.
Give us the chip
and take your gift.
I got a feeling
if I give you this chip
I ain't getting no gift.
Am I right?
I ain't leaving
this room either, am I?
Ah.
Man, I ain't got
the chip with me.
I mean, do I look
like a sucker?
I mean, do you think
I'm gonna come into a strange room
with the thing
in my pocket?
No, man!
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, I remember
everything now.
Y'all in some shit.
Yeah, you... I'm gonna
take my right elbow
and hit you in the
Adam's apple, knock it out.
Then you... I'm gonna
kick you with my size-12 shoe...
And then you... I'm gonna
hit you with him!
And there ain't gonna be
a damn thing you can do about it,
because I'm with the CIA! Ha!
Jake, what are you
talking about? The CIA?
You said it on the answering
machine... I'm with the Agency.
The Agency for
Custodial Professionals.
Jake, you're a janitor!
Wha...?
Uh-oh.
We're gonna die!
Run!
Shoot!
Argh!
How are we supposed
to get in and get out now?
Hey, wh... wh...
We're trapped, Gina.
They got us!
They got us!
So I'm just a janitor.
I don't fight crime,
I fight grime!
I get it, I get it.
I'm running out
of bullets.
We should just give up.
Hey, we give up!
We're coming out!
Jake, I need you to pull yourself
together right now, okay?
Okay.
All right, all right.
- I need your help!
- Oh!
Okay.
Okay.
This ain't
what you want!
I'm out.
Go!
I knew it was a weapon.
What are you doing?
Jake?
Come on.
Come on, let's go.
You, go!
Go on!
Ooh.
Wow.
Go on, go!
Oh.
Jake!
- Come on!
- Go go! Go go go go!
Give it up, Jake.
You can't win.
You're just a janitor.
Yahh! Yeah, you're
being mopped by The Cleaner!
- Huh.
- Damn, he hit me!
Stop right there,
Mr. Hauck!
Do you know who I am?
Yes, sir.
We're just doing our job.
Too bad.
Huh?
- Ooh!
- Damn, girl.
Get 'em, girl!
Oh, shit.
How do you like that?
You all right?
Hand over the chip,
mop boy.
Mop boy?
This ain't what you want.
And that's for wearing
pink underwear,
you freak.
Come on.
Oh.
You all right?
Oh, Jake,
that was amazing.
Well, people do some
pretty incredible things
when they're scared
out of their minds.
Don't make me laugh.
It hurts.
Am I bleeding?
No.
He... he hit me
in the mouth.
I wish I had
my nunchucks. Yeah.
Get out of my way.
...stomach.
He hit me, and it kind of hurt.
- Yeah, but then you came back.
- Then I'm... bow!
He was on me...
There he is.
Jake!
- Hey-hey!
- Good work.
- Yeah, man.
- I'm never gonna forget this.
Hey, I'm just
happy to help.
So you two were working
together all along?
Well, Jake discovered the X-1,
he came to me,
and together we planned
how to flush these guys out.
Gina...
I never should have
doubted you.
- Nice work.
- Thank you, sir.
I couldn't have done it
without Jake Rodgers.
This is my boss,
Martin Crane.
So you're "the" Jake?
Jake Rodgers.
How are you?
The Bureau thanks you.
Well, everybody except
for Shaw, right?
Listen, we could use
a good man like you.
How would you like
to join our training program?
What? Me?
The FBI?
Like, with... with the whole
badge and everything?
I don't know.
L...
No, sir,
I'm gonna stick
with the Agency.
Somebody's gotta
keep this place clean.
It's what I do.
Jake, I don't think that needs
to concern you anymore.
I trusted you
and you came through.
I got a little surprise
for you.
What are you talking about?
Don't do this, man.
I don't like
surprises.
Where do you think
you're going?
You again?
Wow.
Two ladies fighting
over a janitor.
- #... Far as I know,
you're a freak #
# Look nasty girl that shake
her ass to the beat #
- # To the beat, phat phat
skee skee... #
# 'Cause I'm ready for the girl,
but she don't come cheap #
# Aha, far as I know,
you're a freak... #
Come on, get up.
Had enough?
- Jake. Jake!
- Huh?
Are you just gonna
stand there and watch?
Hell yeah!
Okay.
Don't blink.
Hey, babe, I don't think
we're gonna make it.
And you...
you can use some hot cocoa
and a nap. Come on.
Easy.
You!
Hey hey, Jacuzzi.
Do you have any idea
what being locked in
a trunk for eight hours
does to a black
woman's hair?
I'm guessing
not good, right?
Mmm, you guess right.
A sister is not happy if her hair
is nappy, all right?
You owe me a visit
to my stylist Kiki
over at the salon called
"Hair This. " Why?
'Cause a sister needs
to get her hair did.
I want some highlights,
and I'm thinking
the highlights
make a sister look
a little more Latin.
- Eh?
- Latin?
Ah!
Okay, you got it.
You know, yes, definitely.
All right.
Do you salsa?
Ooh, he cute.
Uh!
What's up, fellas?
There he is.
There he is...
Look, before you get
started, man...
...Mr. Big Hotshot
Video Game Maker.
I can't believe you gave up
your mop for this suit.
Look, fellas, this was
a really hard decision.
I mean, not really,
but if... for real...
but I'll make us
some good games and...
G- g-games? I got game ideas.
I've been holding them in.
I'm gonna let 'em out.
What... what about the one...
"The Deadbeat Daddies. "
The objective of the game is to avoid
your baby mama... her legal team...
you gotta keep switching
your social security number,
and they can't get a DNA sample.
They take you on them talk shows about...
"Look at his face, look at his eyes,
look how much they look alike. "
"Look how much they look alike. "
That's how the game gonna say it...
"Look how much they look alike. "
- And you gotta avoid all that.
- That's good, man, that's good.
I heard it was based
on a true story, too.
- Ronnie, I'm gonna have to go, man.
- Whoa, wait, whoa whoa,
one more... what about the mad
janitor versus the co-worker
with the promotion? Yeah. I'll
t... I'll track you down and...
I mean, he... in the game...
will track you down...
- Hey, look...
... and he take care of you,
and... and... and... and...
and take you out.
I'm... I w...
I'm gonna call you, okay?
Wait, I got, like,
Just don't forget
where you came from.
Yeah, because the broom
don't wait on nobody, baby.
You understand?
This is mop life, mop life!
So sweep on!
You think he liked
my ideas?
Oh, yeah yeah.
Hey.
How's the game?
Eh, working on it.
Level five's too damn easy,
but, uh, we're tweaking it.
Okay, we'll bring that up
at Thursday's meeting.
Thanks a lot, boss.
I appreciate everything
you've done for me.
How about a raise?
No.
Oh.
Just checking. I didn't
think you was going to...
Mmm?
Hey, Jake,
what's up?
Hey, what are you
doing here?
Surprise!
This is nice. Thank you.
That's beautiful.
Oh, wow.
"'The Cleaner'
Saves the Day! Love, Gina. "
That's right,
with the help of his
waitress-slash-agent-
slash-almost-Boo.
How about...
almost-getting-closer-Boo?
Oh, really? I thought you
just would have forgot about me.
How could I forget
about you?
Technically, this is
another time, another place.
True.
What are you thinking?
Dinner and ice skating?
Ice skating?
On no!
You are not getting me into
those tight pants again.
I was thinking more like
moonlight under the stars
in the Bahamas.
Sounds pretty romantic.
First class all the way.
Sounds expensive.
Why don't you
let me worry about that?
- Okay.
- Come on.
The waitress and
the janitor take on the world.
That's right.
Uh... hold on.
A spy's gotta eat,
right?
Eh? Let's spend
some of this money.
Ow!
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, if you don't mind,
could you pick me up
a little box of kittens
and a rainbow Afro?
And if you could get my eighth-grade
schoolteacher on the phone...
I'd really like
to talk to her.
One other thing...
some brown shoe polish
with a little sponge tip.
That's the kind I like.
And a Simon and Garfunkel album...
just the... just the album cover.
I don't need
the actual album.
I mean, if it's no trouble. You
can get yourself something nice,
maybe some
animal crackers or something.
Maybe, like, a little sparkly...
a little spinning hat or something
with little... little helicopters on top.
I'm sorry, Oprah,
I can't take you
to the Grammys, okay?
You know why?
'Cause I need
a dirty girl.
Give me that. Stop!
Okay? That causes shrinkage.
Keep the freezie
off the deezie.
Enough with the ice
on the dice.
You gotta be real dirty.
Can you be dirty?
Can you be dingy?
Can you not brush
your teeth for me?
I have a computer chick
in my hotel?
You have the hottest...
- computer chick ever.
- Computer chick in your hotel ever!
Nobody... nobody's...
...but I can't even go in
to pretend to give him a kiss?
Nyah!
You want me to take
your temperature?
That's right.
All the dirty girls, make noise!
"Please, Dirty Clean Rapper,
be with me!"
L... I'll think about it.
Here we go.
Ow! Ooh! Yeah!
- Lower.
- Do you think that's...
Hey, lady! Take these.
I'm going to still
tell your wife.
Your breath smells
like sauted ass.
...like trash date.
...smells like hot garbage.
Eww!
I got two words for you...
Al-toids!
Lady, get your junk
in the trunk!
Are you the girl
from "Charlie's Angels"?
That's all I need.
# Everybody, bounce
if you know what I'm doin' #
# Get 'em up,
get 'em up, put 'em up #
# HP, KG, light 'em up #
# All the ladies got you
going crazy #
# All the fellas
gettin' that gravy #
# Get 'em up, keep 'em high #
# Once again, it's on
'cause everything is live #
# Live at the PJs #
# But it's the nine-nine independent
Mo Treader Hot's way #
# Yeah, if you're looking for
the boogie, you're looking for me #
# Everybody wanna party
with the R.O.C. #
# 'Cause, uh, we could
get tipsy, get busy #
# Hands up against me,
tell me that you with me #
# Ladies on the floor...
hands in the sky #
# Keep 'em up high,
keeping the party live #
# Baby, we don't stop,
baby, we don't quit #
# Now get a little closer,
come on, that's it #
# Making more and more hits,
everybody know #
# I keep 'em out of control
wherever I go #
# Now let me
hear you say "Ho... " #
# Look, baby #
# I'm sorry
I can't stay longer #
# I gotta do it, baby,
I gotta do it to you #
# I gotta go go #
# When time's on my tail,
better bail #
# It's either that
or go to jail #
# Professional,
so I leave no trail #
# They wanna see me
locked up in a cell #
# Run run run
from the ghetto bird #
# The whole precinct
on high alert #
# Tryin' to give me time
that I don't deserve #
# But my breakthrough
is full of dirt #
# Gotta go,
so I'm jumpin' fences #
# Being followed
by Doberman pinschers #
# Being watched
by TV, lasers #
# Gotta think quick
like a game of Tetris #
# You wanna catch the menace,
but I don't think I'ma let this #
# I'ma steal me a Lexus,
put pedal to the metal #
# So I'm gone
in 60 seconds #
# They wanna see me
locked up... #
Tiptoe, hello.
Pow!
Shit!
Shit!
Breathe beauty in,
breathe nasty out.
Beauty in...
nasty out.
Ah.
My head is bleeding?
Damn!
"Pacific Crest"...
What am I doing here?
Who hit you?
I can't remember
a thing.
What's your name?
What is your name?
Why can't you
remember anything, huh?
Happy birthday, G...
Gggh...
Hello, this is...
It's okay, rela... okay,
I... I oughta have a wallet.
I'm missing my wallet!
Should have some ID.
What's this?
"Storage check. "
Who are you, man?
Come on. Come on, man.
No! No no no.
Shit.
What the hell is this?
Holy shit!
No way!
Wait a minute.
This is a lot of money, man.
This ain't right,
this ain't right.
Hello, front desk.
Eh, um...
- Hello?
- It-it...
- Sir?
- It-it...
- Hello?
- Bye.
Hel...
Refill minibar?
- What?
- Refill minibar?
- Refill the minibar?
- Yes.
No, man...
some other time.
Help!
Police!
Hello.
Let's go!
Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go!
- God, ma'am, I'm sorry.
- Ssh!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Shhh...
Hmm?
Bye.
- Jake? Jake!
- Huh?
You know me?
- Are you kidding?
- No, I'm not kidding.
Hey, what happened
to your head?
- I gotta go.
- Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa.
Just relax, you're
gonna be fine.
I'm here to help you.
Over here.
Hmm?
Roger, Dispatch...
Come on.
- Huh?
- Let's go!
Okay.
In the car.
Wait wait wait
wait wait wait.
What the hell is going on
and who are you anyway?
You really don't know
who I am?
No. I mean,
I have no damn idea
- who you are.
- You don't remember anything?
I think that's been
established, okay? L...
What were you
doing at the hotel?
I came to pick you up.
- You called me.
- I did?
Wh... what was I doing
at the hotel?
I don't know. What were you
doing at the hotel, Jake?
You really have
no idea who I am?
No, I have no idea!
What are you doing?
Are you crying?
Don... don't cry.
Why are you crying?
I can't believe you don't
remember your own wife.
Wife?
I'm married?
To a white woman?
Yes, to a white woman!
Look, okay, a'ight, look look
look, calm down,
don't cry, okay?
Don't cry, um...
um uh uh,
whatever your name is.
Diane.
My name is Diane.
Of course. I call you "Dynamite,"
"Di Baby," "Di Baby. "
No no. You don't call me that.
You call me Diane.
Of course I call you "Diane. "
There's no... okay, Diane.
Don't cry, baby,
all right? It's okay.
Everything's o... come over here
and give your man a big kiss.
We are definitely
married
'cause that's
some bullshit. Ow.
Jake, we are gonna have
to get you all fixed up.
Yeah, why don't we do that?
Get me fixed up.
I need a doctor to check out
Jake immediately.
Right, he's had
an injury.
I'm bringing
my husband home.
Yes. Yes,
to the country house.
- A dead FBI agent and 250 Gs...
- Yes. We're gonna be there shortly,
...and I'm married!
- So get the staff ready, okay?
It's been a hell
of a morning.
Yes, sir. Did you notice
if your window...
Tell me something.
The attendant said he saw
someone leave the room.
Any description?
He was black.
Oh, well, now that
you solved the case,
- could you tell me what happened?
- I don't know.
That's all you can say?
That man was part of your team.
Look, I know.
Find out who this room
is registered under.
It wasn't registered
to anyone.
- What, they just let themselves in?
- Apparently.
How could you not know what one
of your agents was doing up here?
Look, with... with... with
all due respect, all he did was phone.
He left me a message saying
that he'd come up with a lead,
but he wasn't
on a secure line and...
- And?
- And then that... that's it.
He said he was gonna call me later
and that's the last I heard from him.
I want you to search every
surveillance tape in the hotel.
Whoever did this has to have
been seen leaving the building.
I'm on it.
Oh, what's all this?
This is where
we live.
Wait wait wait... you're trying
to tell me I got it like this?
- That's what I said, baby.
- This is where I live
and ain't none of my cousins
or nothing living all up in here?
All these cars is mine,
all that lawn is me,
and all this house
is mine?
Well, that is,
until you die...
then it's all mine.
My mama know
about you?
Come on, baby.
Come on.
Yoo-hoo,
Daddy's home.
Hey hey, what are
you doing, man?
Sorry, sir. I was trying
to take your briefcase.
That's all you're gonna be
doing, is trying.
You ain't taking no
briefcase around here...
Jake! Simon's
our butler.
- Our butler?
- Oh...
my husband's having
slight memory problem.
- Memory problem, sir?
- Yes, memory problems.
Look, Simon, I can't
remember a thing right now,
but don't you worry, all right?
I'm just going to settle in
and try to get all this to work
for me, you know what I'm saying?
Now you're gonna leave me
hanging. Okay.
- Very good, sir.
- Thank you, Simon.
Thank you, madam.
So, uh...
what is it that I do
around here all day?
- You don't really have to do much.
- Why is that?
Honey, you're rich!
- I'm rich?
- Hmm.
I'm rich... I guess you don't
have to do much if you rich.
In that case, I ain't doing
nothing for the rest of the day.
As a matter of fact, I ain't gonna do
a damn thing tomorrow, either.
Except remember.
Right, angel?
Yeah. Where
the bedroom?
Mmm?
Wait a minute...
I'm rich,
I got a big house,
married
to a white woman.
Am I Lionel Richie?
Whoo...
this is
all right, huh!
- So this is my bedroom?
- Our bedroom.
Yeah.
And this is my chair?
You know, it could
use some plastic,
and these curtains...
these, uh...
All yours.
I mean, they
don't seem like me.
I mean, they real frilly.
Well, that's because
I picked them out.
Oh, sorry, babe.
You have
exquisite taste.
Thank you.
- So those are my trophies?
- Mm-hmm.
So I'm karate man, huh?
Who are all
these white people?
That's my family, Jake.
Don't you recognize anyone?
Why am I not
in the picture?
- You took it, remember?
- I took it.
Of course, I took it,
I took it.
I mean, what are you,
Creole?
- That's right, baby.
- That's what I thought.
Them red beans
and rice is working!
Doctor Soames, madam.
- Oh, the good doctor.
- Hello.
This is Dr. Soames.
He's gonna examine you
and make you
all better.
Ahem. Good.
Good, 'cause I need
to remember something.
Like, first of all, where is
the bathroom around here?
- Right through that door, sir.
- Cool.
I'm gonna be ready
for the examination
in a couple of minutes...
or a half hour.
You got any magazines?
Of course.
Here they are.
- Where's my "Jet"?
- "Jet," sir?
Yeah, the small, little magazine,
like a pamphlet...
a lot of pictures,
"Beauty of the Week"...
for people that like to read,
but not too much.
I'll get one immediately.
Anything else, sir?
- I got a craving for Skittles.
- Skittles, sir?
Yeah, man, I love those
little bite-size, chewy candies...
They're delicious!
They get stuck in your teeth, though.
- Right away, sir.
- Good.
Oh, and if you
don't mind,
can you pick me up
some frozen Tater Tots?
Right away, sir.
This may be asking
for too much...
but two birthday balloons
and a pony?
And a Spiderman kite?
Spiderman kite, sir.
And get yourself
something nice.
You know, maybe... maybe get some
color contacts or something.
- Thank you, sir.
- It'd look nice with your outfit.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, nice.
Oh hell, no.
I know I wear
no pink underwear.
Uh-uh... no,
this ain't right.
That ain't right.
Okay. Now, show me
the lobby.
There it is...
that's it, right there.
- Okay, I'm gonna need the master tape.
- Right.
- Okay, that does it.
- Your Skittles, sir.
That's what I'm talking
about, right there!
- Can I have a word, Diane?
- I'll be right back.
- Mm-hmm. Have a Skittle, brother.
- No thank you, sir.
Come on, man,
taste the rainbow.
- Good, ain't they?
- Mmm.
Mm?
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Here...
here's the "Jet"
Beauty of the Week. Fine.
- There's a sister.
- Lovely.
Says this girl's hobby
is slapboxing and archery.
Fascinating.
- Those my golf clubs?
- Yes, sir.
Well, let's fire
them puppies up.
Yeah. Ha.
Okay.
Here we go.
That would be
a slice, sir.
Slice of what?
Pizza?
- Son of a bitch!
- Uh-oh. Sorry.
Here we go.
Here we go...
What on earth
is he doing?
One wing of his brain
has shut down.
Some recent events,
recent acquaintances
have been
temporarily lost.
He still knows how to eat
with a fork, drive a car,
go to the bathroom...
and play golf.
Swing, batter!
Usually, the recovery
transpires in waves
or flashes over a
three-to-five day period.
Any number of things
can trigger his recovery...
a person's face, a certain
smell, a familiar sound.
We don't have five days.
How do we speed it up?
Arousal sometimes
can do it.
Oh my.
Whew, well...
That's about
enough of this.
Simon, I think
I'll take a little nap.
- Jake?
- Oh! Whoo!
Are you feeling
better?
Hell yeah!
I mean...
but I think I'm gonna have
the good doctor come back
and take my
blood pressure again.
Why?
'Cause of these?
You bought them
for me.
Remember?
Oh, yeah.
Still can't believe
that you don't remember me.
Well, big Jake can't
remember shit right now,
but little Jake is
screaming, "I'm home!"
Oh, come on.
Think hard.
Yeah, try and
remember something.
Anything.
Come on,
for me, baby.
Ooh! Like what?
Like...
the computer chip
you had at the hotel.
Computer chip?
I don't...
You went there
to return it,
- remember?
- Well, computer chip,
potato chip, chocolate chip... I don't
know what you're talking about.
I'm just so happy I'm
married to a freak!
Come on, baby.
Give me one memory.
Okay, baby, talk and
blow now, talk and blow.
Okay, a memory...
sure sure. Um...
Oh, yeah. I remember,
uh uh, combat.
Really?
Uh, oh, some place
called "Digital Arts. "
- Keep it coming, baby.
- No, you keep it coming. Come here.
- I wanna tell you something.
- Hmm?
You know what? You wait here,
I'll be right back.
Where are you going?
Did I cross the line?
Don't take too long!
Little Jake
can't be alone right now.
- That's it. I'm not going any further.
- Fine.
- Plan B then?
- Yes, do it.
What's in it?
It's a hot mix of speed
and sodium pentothal.
Will it make him talk?
Oh, he'll talk, all right.
But I have to tell you,
there is a chance that it could
cause his brain to scramble
- and send him into cardiac arrest.
- Cardiac arrest?
Hopefully, you'll get what you
need before his heart explodes.
Shit!
Whoa.
Help me.
Yes!
Damn, that was smooth.
# Get 'em up,
put 'em up #
# HP, KG,
light 'em up... #
#... All the ladies
got you going crazy #
# All the fellas
getting that gravy #
# Get 'em up,
keep 'em high #
# Once again, it's on
'cause everything is live #
# Live at the PJs #
# But it's the nine-nine
independent Mo Treader Hot's way #
# Yeah, if you're looking for
the boogie, you're looking for me #
# Everybody wanna party
with the R.O.C. #
Gotta see what this
is all about.
Ah, man, the cops are still here!
Damn!
Huh?
Tulip Tour?
Okay. Hmm, what is that?
I'll take these.
Uh, excuse.
- Oh, yes sir.
- I have a...
how do you say?
Ticket for you to find something
- I... I would not lose.
- Oh, of course.
There you go.
This is it?
So you're Dutch?
Of course, yeah.
You have never heard
of Dutch chocolate?
Ricola!
Hold the door,
hold the door.
Klompen Dancers!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Klompen Dancers.
Oh-hh...
Shake it.
# Hey! #
# Hey! #
- # Hey! #
- # Hey! #
# Hey! #
Hey!
You're great!
# Hey! #
# Hey! #
Klompen Dancers!
"Digital Arts
Research Technologies. "
Yes!
An address... "1221
Casshern Avenue. " Oh, yeah.
What the...
It must be a message.
You giving me
a signal?
Maybe.
Are you Hotbuns69?
What?
I'm Sweatyandready...
from the chat room.
Oh hell, no. No, you got
the wrong surfer, buddy.
Too bad.
Your loss, Mandingo.
- Weirdo.
- Hey, I work out.
Do you work out?
Go, Brown Sugar, dance it up!
Okay.
A'ight... who am I?
I'm wealthy,
got a phat crib.
Oh, yeah. Yeah yeah
yeah, got a hot wife...
hot hottie.
Diane.
My underwear's too small.
I don't wear no pink thong.
I know I don't wear
a pink thong.
Love Skittles.
Especially
the green ones.
I wonder what
that means.
Wow.
# Well #
- # Who's that lady? #
- Hmm.
# Who's that lady? #
# Sexy lady,
who's that lady? #
# Beautiful lady,
who's that lady? #
# Real fine lady,
who's that lady? #
Hey hey hey!
Damn, what is this, your first
day on the job?
Oh, you wanna play?
Hey hey hey,
hey hey hey!
You're making
the willy chilly.
Why haven't you
called me?
Lady... miss,
ma'am...
- I have been busy.
- Oh, you have been busy?
Too damn busy
for your Boo?
Damn, I got
a Boo too?
- Oh, you are gonna get it!
- That's... stop it.
Gina, stop!
Oh, so now it's coming
back to you.
No, I just read your
name tag, crazy waitress lady.
What the hell is wrong
with you?
You... attack all
your customers?
Look, I've already
been traumatized.
What the hell
happened to your head?
Ehh... besides you
trying to smack me,
I... I got hit
with something.
Ow, ah, ah-hh.
Toast up, Gina.
- A'ight, I'll be right back.
- Yeah.
And...
"fine ass girlfriend. "
Crazy, but fine.
Hey, Gina,
that building across the
street means something to me.
That's where you do
your business, fool.
I do? Like,
is that my company?
- Your company.
- Yeah, like, do I own that place?
- Why are you messing with me?
- I'm not messing with you.
Otherwise, how would I know
that this place only has three exits?
Or that that woman eats a
short-stack of blueberry pancakes
every morning without syrup?
How would I know that?
That this guy drinks two cups of
coffee, then steals the sugar packets
when no one's looking?
Oscar, put the
Sweet'N Low down... now!
Gina! Gina.
Look,
some strange stuff has
been happening to me.
There's only one
explanation... am I...?
- A fool?
- No.
- Seriously!
- What...
Look, Gina,
am I a secret agent,
- you know, licensed to kill...
- Shh shh shh.
Shh.
We shouldn't even be
talking about this.
Of course, I mean, this place
could be bugged. Sure.
Go ahead,
tell me more.
- You're a killer.
- A killer...
like... like Green Beret,
Navy Seal, Army Ranger?
No, you're in
a class by yourself.
- By myself.
- You've got a code name...
"The Cleaner. "
The Cleaner.
Listen, the government
calls you in to mop up.
Okay, I see where
they going with this...
The Cleaner
mops up trouble.
Gina, how many men
have these hands killed?
Oh, they've taken out
a lot of trash.
Of course... keeping the world
safe from human debris.
- Destroyed millions of germs.
- Germ warfare.
Cleaned countless
toilet seats!
"Cleaned countless
toilet sea... "
- What?
- You're a janitor, dumbass.
- No.
- I don't have time for this.
No no no no,
I am special ops!
Try special "mops. "
"Broom Raider"!
Let me break it down for you...
you're a janitor.
You work at Digital Arts.
Huh? Nah.
No no no no no no.
- You had to see me yesterday.
- Check, please.
- Oh, one second.
- I'm, like, flipping off balconies,
I cannonballed onto a truck
and landed like a cat.
I was like James Bond
on Red Bull.
Jake, you know people can do
incredible things when they're scared.
Scared? Who said anything
about being scared?
- Ain't nobody scared.
- Eggs still up, Gina!
Boo!
Scramble this, Charlie.
There he is. I know the back
of that head any damn where.
Hey, and with
your church clothes on.
Where the hell
have you been, Jake?
- I know you guys, right?
- Yeah, I'm your daddy.
Come on, Jake,
don't play dumb.
He not playing.
Look at his face.
What's going on?
Y'all... y'all mad at me?
I've been in shit water
all morning.
- I'm mad at everybody!
- So I really am a janitor.
Yeah, you. But me,
I got bigger dreams.
I'm a rapper inside.
I'm about to explode.
Come on, the "Clean
Dirty Doo"?
# It's all about doo-doo,
they're trying to flush me #
# I ain't diarrhea
so you can't rush me #
# It's doo-doo! Listen to me closely,
wiping me like paper #
# Can't throw me around,
can't flush me! #
Excuse me, guys.
# We're rolling money like toilet paper,
money like toilet paper, yeah... #
I went from ballin'
to not-at-all-in'.
- A couple of coffees here.
- Gina,
I feel like
I'm losing my mind.
Now, I think
you're my friend.
- Can you help me? Please?
- Sure.
Show me where I live.
- Can we leave now?
- Okay.
Jake, I need you
for the video.
Jake?
Good morning,
Digital Arts.
Good morning.
- He's waiting for you, Diane.
- Thank you.
- What happened?
- I told you...
I took him to your house,
got him to trust me,
- but he didn't remember anything.
- You really believe that?
Yes, he believed
I was his wife.
So where do we stand?
We've got a janitor out there
that's breached our security
with company property
and has absolutely
no memory
of any of it.
Really? A janitor is really
putting you through all this trouble.
We have Jake's
place covered.
We're tracking Riley down and
we've issued a warrant for his arrest.
My buyers expect
the product by Monday.
I'm handling it.
Here we are.
No! That's my crib?
You should've seen
where I lived yesterday.
It was on a whole
'nother level!
Cops!
- I gotta take you somewhere familiar.
- Oh, I believe
I'm there right now.
# I'll kill you
with my plunger #
# I'll pull your heart
with my plunger #
# You ain't never
seen a plung... #
Oh-oh. Hey hey hey,
don't come in here now.
I'm cleaning, okay?
Oh, no, you look like
you gotta go bad.
Do not use
that last stall.
I need to talk
to you about uh...
- Jake Rodgers.
- Oh, Jake?
- Yes.
- Jake is my man!
Yeah, we got big plans!
- What sort of plans?
- He's gonna manage me.
It's me, Ronnie, the Dirty
Clean Rapper... me.
It's a metaphor, see?
Can you feel me?
Shut up!
Tell me about Jake Rodgers.
Is he really a janitor?
Uh, not a good one. Otherwise
he'd be here now, right?
I wouldn't be here by myself,
cleaning up this whole bathroom.
So he could be doing
something else?
Right?
We all could be doing
something on the side.
On the side?
You're asking a whole lot
of questions,
um... agent...
- Sir.
- Sir.
- Uh-huh.
- You want me to call you "sir" now?
Like "mass-sir,"
like I'm a slave?
And even though I don't like
the way Jake cleans up around here,
I'm not a snitch
nor a rat...
either one of them
put together...
I'm not a snat or a rit!
Okay?
You done hit the wrong
janitor! Come on!
Oh.
So you're gonna
shoot me?
I was thinking about it.
Shoot me.
Shoot me... you gonna
shoot me in the bathroom.
That's what I've
been waiting on.
This is my street credibility
right here! I ain't been shot yet!
That's why I ain't
sellin' no albums!
What was I thinking?
That's why I'm not sellin' no albums.
If I die, I'm Tupac.
If I live, I'm 50 Cent.
What if I end up somewhere
in the middle, like in a coma?
Yeah! I can write all my rhymes
in a coma, just...
"beep... "
"How does he do it?"
And writing to the beat
of the... "beep... "
And every now and then
I can show a little struggle
and come out...
and go back in.
Oh, man, selling records
and laying down!
Oh, shoot me, shoot me
in the shoulder.
Come on...
the top part.
No, shoot me in my side,
like right here.
Dude, like, shoot
a piece of fat off.
You know what I mean?
No, man, that'll hurt.
I know... shoot me in my ass.
In my ass!
'Cause that will be
like what the police do anyway...
shooting brothers in the backside.
And at the end of my concert
I can pull my pants down
and show my ass
like... "This is what y'all
did to me, America!"
Shoot me in the ass!
Gotta be in the ass.
Shoot me right there!
Give me another pocket!
Put it in
my ass, come on!
Come on! Shoot me
in the ass, come on!
Shoot me in the ass,
right in the middle.
Come on, put it in my ass!
Put it in my ass!
Put it in my ass! I can take it...
Put it in my ass! Put it in my ass!
Come on!
Right here, in the ass!
You know, I...
I don't even
know you anymore.
Oh, damn.
All right, here we are.
Damn, girl, you kind
of a slob, ain't you?
Are you always
on the job?
You've been having
a rummage sale?
You know you're too cute
to be living like this, right?
Oh, this is
your cell phone.
- This is my cell phone?
- Check the call log.
Maybe it'll help you
remember something.
Good good good good.
This will prove I know
what I'm talking about.
I'm sure all the numbers in here
are classified... CIA, everything.
All right, recent calls, here we go...
Papa John's,
Papa John's,
Quiznos,
El Pollo Loco,
uh...
Crazy Chicken.
Spies gotta eat,
right?
Right. This is your
work shirt. Explain this.
Yeah. You know, it is obvious
that I'm undercover as a janitor.
- Undercover?
- Look,
you are a waitress,
all right?
So this may be
over your head,
but is there's some serious,
serious super-spy stuff going on here.
- This is what I do!
- Okay, super-spy,
- let's take a look at this.
- Ow!
Such a baby.
You know...
you really could use
a janitor in your life.
Look at this mess...
Oh, man.
Riley gave you those.
- Who's Riley?
- You don't remember your friend Riley?
He's an exec
at Digital Arts.
Well why would he give me
these games?
You're a freak
for video games, Jake.
Digital Arts manufactures them.
You even gave Riley ideas on
how to make them better.
- I did?
- Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
You came in here a few
days ago in a big hurry.
You said it wasn't safe
to go back to your place.
You said a whole lot of stuff
is gonna make sense to me soon.
- Do you remember any of this?
- Ack!
Sorry.
I remember alcohol stings
like a bitch. Damn!
You said, "We're gonna get away for
the weekend, maybe go on a vacation,"
- remember?
- You and I?
Where... where, like,
like the Bahamas?
I can see that...
a couple of mai tais,
- maybe a little coconut oil.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, Gina,
how long have I been
uh, you know,
- hittin' it?
- "Hittin' it"?
Trust me, you ain't
hit nothing yet.
You would remember
hittin' Mama.
- What kind of girl you think I am?
- Well, damn,
if I could remember what kind
of woman you are, I would remember
what kind of man I am. Then I would
know why my clothes are over here
and I ain't hittin' it.
Hey, you have left your
super-spy watch on the sink.
Hey hey hey,
don't touch that.
This is government-issued,
I'm sure.
You push the wrong button
on this thing and boom!
Pah! Goodbye,
New Guinea.
You know, Jake, I've got a bad feeling...
I think we need to get out of here.
- Hey, Gina?
- Mm-hmm?
This may not be a good time
to bring this up because, uh,
well, it involves
another woman.
Another what?
- Another woman.
- Oh, I heard you!
What about
this other woman?
Okay, all right, she told
me her name was Diane.
The "who-what-and-why"
of Diane right now!
Well, I met her at the hotel
yesterday and then she took me
- to this big-ass estate.
- Mm-hmm.
And then she had
a doctor check me out.
That's it?
- Then her clothes came off.
- What?
- I'm gonna smack you.
- Would...
Would you stop... hold on
just a second, okay?
It wasn't like she was naked, okay?
She had on some lingerie.
- Ah...
- you know? Little cool,
little pink thing, you know,
with the glittery lotion, you know?
Damn it.
It wasn't like
it was dirty.
She was my wife!
Your wife?
She was your wife?
Okay, quit it with
the haymakers.
Thank you.
- Hmm.
- That's what she told me, all right?
I didn't believe her, though,
because in my subconscious mind
there was a voice saying, "Jake,
don't do this, man.
There's somebody out there
that loves you more than your wife. "
- You expect me to believe that?
- Yeah.
You know she tried to kill me,
right?
- Come on.
- Shit!
Roger that.
No luck duplicating
the chip?
Not by Monday.
Know what I've got
in my hand? Security footage
showing Jake Rodgers leaving
the Pacific Crest Hotel.
And you know who else
is on it?
You're just lucky that I got
this before any other agent saw it.
You're lucky
you're still here.
Hey, I'm not
your employee.
I'm not your head of security
that you're dating on the side.
You get the chip,
I set up the buyers
and I keep the rest of
the FBI off your case.
So far, I've kept
my end of the deal.
A janitor can't outrun
a citywide manhunt.
What if he's not?
Not what?
A janitor? What if he's
not just a janitor?
What if he's an
undercover agent?
You said you knew all of the FBI
assigned to this case.
If he's not CIA, NSA,
or Military Intelligence,
they're not gonna tell us
they're on our turf.
They're gonna want that
bust for themselves, right?
- You're serious?
- Yeah, it happens all the time.
- Parallel investigations.
- I questioned him up close, okay?
There's no way
this guy is faking.
Maybe he played you.
Or he is hurt... did lose his memory,
but he's running on instinct.
What better cover to infiltrate
your company than a janitor?
Janitors go anywhere, everywhere,
nobody pays any attention to them.
They're hired help.
They are the only people who have
key cards to every room in the building.
Total access.
Janitors work after hours, after
everyone else has gone home.
If I was looking
for the perfect cover,
that'd be it.
He started work here
a year and a half ago.
That's when we started
developing the X-1 chip.
No, it's coincidence.
A lot of
coincidences.
A spy pretending
he is a janitor
or a spy who thinks
he's a janitor,
either way he's a lot more
dangerous than we ever anticipated.
It doesn't matter.
I want the chip,
then I want him dead.
Yes.
Where?
Stay on him.
A lead on Riley.
Shut up, you idiot!
- Did you get him?
- Hey,
I'm just trying to make
sure things are tight...
protecting you,
show you some love.
That's what I do.
And I'm, uh, also good
at a few other things.
Oh, hell no. You
are still in cheaters' jail.
Look, you need to tell me
what's going on here.
All right.
All right,
all right, all right.
I found this briefcase
at the hotel yesterday.
- It's full of money.
- How much money?
Well, minus a double
mochaccino,
and a couple
of lottery tickets...
about $250,000.
Oh my, dog,
you nicked this cash
for a mochaccino and
a couple of Quick Picks?
Eh... still think
I'm a janitor?
Look, Diane mentioned
something about a computer chip.
And I think they
think I have it.
Maybe that's what
they want.
Well, if they want it,
they can have it!
I just don't wanna end up
like the dead guy at the hotel.
Dead guy?
You didn't mention anything
to me about a dead guy.
It's not the best icebreaker...
"How you doing, Miss Waitress Lady?
I just woke up
next to a dead FBI agent.
- What's your special?
- FBI?
Jake, this is serious.
You're in a lot of trouble.
- You need to tell me everything.
- That's it.
I mean, that's
all I know.
We need to get you back to your
place... that'll help you remember.
I'm gonna change.
I'll be right back.
Who is Riley?
Diane...
freaking wife!
Gina...
fine-ass girlfriend
saying I ain't hit it.
Question mark.
Computer chip.
Digital Arts,
Digital Arts...
Quiznos, Quiznos...
must be a code...
Be careful of The Rat.
We're in his territory now.
Prepare to die,
Colonel Bowman.
This ain't
what you want!
Yeah.
Gina,
- I remembered something.
- What?
I am definitely
not a janitor.
I'm some kind of bad-ass
Special Forces,
like...
like Black Rambo.
Okay, "Blambo",
what else?
I'm a colonel.
- Hello?
- Where have you been?
- Who's this?
- It's Riley.
- Who do you think it is?
- Riley?
Listen, you were right about
everything. Don't trust anyone.
You meet me at the airport
as fast as you can,
SEATAC terminal number one
and come alone.
Janitor, my ass.
- Who was that?
- Get your stuff, let's go.
Okay, now he thinks I'm coming
alone so I need you to sit tight.
- But I wanna help.
- You wanna help, you...
look, I don't know how
to say this. Gina,
you're just a waitress,
I'm the agent.
If I wanna know what
the soup of the day is, I'll ask you.
But until then I need
you to sit in the car
and just wait for me, okay?
It's dangerous in there.
- But, Boo...
- No no no. No no no no.
Don't "but Boo" me
right now.
Stay in your lane,
okay?
Oh.
...your baggage
unattended.
All your personal items must
remain with you at all times.
This is the last call
for boarding
for flight #486, nonstop
service from Seattle to Phoenix...
- Hey, Jake.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You're Riley, right?
Of course.
What is wrong with you?
- I got hit in the head.
- Where's the X-1, Jake?
- The computer chip?
- Yes yes. Where is it?
Everybody is looking
for this thing.
So that's why
I was at the hotel?
- You aren't kidding, are you?
- No.
- I can't remember shit.
- You went to talk to the Bureau.
You went to meet with the FBl...
you remember that?
I promise, man.
I, I-I, I don't know.
The last thing that you said was
that you were headed to Boca Raton.
Go! Go go go.
Hi, honey.
- Move it.
- Don't do it. Stop.
Let's go.
Get your hands off.
- Hi, baby. I tried to call you.
- In the car.
L... put...
uh, hey... stop!
Get your hands off me.
- Look, this ain't what you want...
- Get in!
Hey hey...
- you don't have to push me.
- Move.
- Hey hey hey. Come on, man.
- Jake,
you might not believe this,
but I'm here to help you.
I'm telling you, this is
your last chance.
Obviously, our marriage
is not based
on trust and
communication.
Jake, we're not
really married.
What?
- No.
- Look, you took something.
Give it to me or I can't
help you anymore.
You call this help?
You call this help?
Who are you supposed
to be, more help?
You don't
recognize me?
- You don't know who I am?
- Hell, no.
He still doesn't
remember anything.
Or maybe his memory is
back and he's just faking it.
No way you can bullshit
Stick him.
Oh, ooh-ooh.
No no no no.
Come on and get it.
Aye, you got me.
This drug is only
effective for a few moments.
Start to question him.
Jake? Jake!
Whoo-whoo.
Where did you hide
the chip?
Oh, I hid the chip in...
in my treasure chest,
under the castle,
with my pet dragon, Gus.
You'll like Gus.
He breathes fire.
You gotta
be more specific.
- Hello.
- Now Jake,
you got a secret and you're
gonna feel a whole lot better
if you just give it up and just tell us
what we wanna know. Come on.
I have a secret?
I know I have
a secret, I...
I admit it, I admit it.
But you gotta admit it too.
Martha Stewart's hot.
- She's hot.
- We don't wanna hear this, Jake!
I don't wanna hear this!
I want the truth!
Just tell me
the truth!
Whoo, the truth is...
your breath smells like ass.
Whew!
Funky time!
Okay, that's it.
Shut him up.
What the hell is that?
He's having a reaction to the drug.
You gave him too much.
Hey!
Don't!
Don't kill him.
- What are you looking at? Go get him!
- Run!
- Yeah yeah.
- This way.
- Boy, am I glad to see you!
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
- Hang on.
Sweet Jesus!
Damn, they're shooting.
Get d... get out!
Grab the wheel!
Hyah!
Hey hey hey.
Damn, girl!
You got skills.
So I take it you're not
just a waitress?
I'm a federal agent, Jake.
Federal agent?
Why didn't you tell me?
You're on a strictly
need-to-know basis...
like the soup of
the day, super-spy.
Okay.
The man that shot at you back there,
his name is Richard Shaw.
So wait... wait,
you know him?
Yes, unfortunately
he's with the FBI too.
- Crane here.
- Martin, we have a situation here.
Uh-huh. I just had a very
disturbing conversation with Shaw.
Now, you need to turn yourself
in immediately.
You don't understand.
Shaw has turned.
That's exactly what
he said about you.
Just tell me exactly where you are.
We'll straighten this whole thing out.
- I can't do that, Martin.
- Gina?
Gina!
Shaw got to Crane.
We're on our own.
Whoa whoa whoa, what does
this mean, "We're on our own"?
- I've been working undercover, Jake.
- Damn.
We discovered that by altering the
encoded chip in the X-1 video game,
classified information can be
transferred undetected.
Damn! Espionage.
That's what it is.
Someone at Digital Arts wants to
sell the chip on the black market.
You get the picture.
I was assigned to you.
You were assigned to me? For what?
Why would you be assigned to me?
- Because you have the chip, Jake!
- I have the chip.
I have the chip.
- Riley, did you check out the chip?
- Yeah, I checked it out.
You were right, Jake...
the processor chip for
our new gaming console, the X-1,
it's got another chip
engraved inside its circuitry.
Somebody's been
developing a spy chip
using our gaming
research as a cover.
You just change around a couple
of polarities, you go from video games
to making unbreakable
codes, you understand?
The CIA, NSA... nobody
could break these encryptions.
So if somebody can get
ahold of this thing...
they could smuggle in
anything, plan an attack,
and we couldn't even
track 'em down!
We gotta stop 'em, Jake.
Of course. Of course
I have the chip.
That's what this operation
is all about!
And you must be a support-level
agent assigned to assist me
in this thing.
Also, I guess it's a good
time to tell you, Gina...
My real name is Colonel Bowman.
Welcome aboard.
I got some bad news
for you, Colonel.
I'm running errands
for you now?
What do you need, a PowerBook,
an AC adaptor or something?
You're not
gonna like this.
Here's your
Colonel Bowman.
It's your favorite game.
Okay okay, so maybe
I got the name wrong,
but explain
these skills, huh?
You learned the moves from
the video game, Jake.
It's just
coincidence.
- Be careful of The Rat.
- I mean that don't prove nothing, Gina.
- This ain't what you want.
- Okay? I'm a master!
It takes years of training
to do what I do.
Jake, you leave me
no choice.
We had you
under surveillance.
Wait, what?
Y'all were looking in my house?
That ain't right.
We caught you in one of your
training sessions.
You were spying on
a spy? Damn!
Oh, it gets worse.
Okay, will you
turn that off?
Not pretty.
Ha-aa, this ain't
what you want.
Turn the thing off.
Turn it off.
- Turn... turn this thing off.
- Okay, okay.
Let's go.
All right, but we're
going back your place.
Prepare to die,
Colonel Bowman.
Wow, what a dump!
This is your place.
Does it look familiar?
This my place?
Huh? No.
Hey, Gina.
Since you're really FBI, I guess
you never really were my Boo, huh?
Sorry.
Hmm, you acting jealous,
you... you were just
faking that too, right?
Jake, let's just say you made
it easy for me to keep my cover.
Another place,
another time.
Hey, you never know.
- Did I treat you right?
- Always.
# Am I the lover
that I think I am? #
You're sweet.
You make me laugh.
- And we love to eat together.
- I took you ice-skating?
Yeah, you're
pretty romantic.
Look how cute you are
in those tights.
Yeah, but I couldn't get
a extra large?
- Hey, you've got messages.
- Yeah?
Hey, Jake, it's Steve,
from Quiznos. Bad news...
someone jacked our bread truck.
No worries, bro.
Your sandwich will be delivered
as usual. Just how you like 'em...
triple oven-baked...
"Spies gotta eat. "
That's
what I'm saying.
- That's what I'm saying.
- Jake, it's Riley.
Sector Seven
is just not working yet.
You can't kill the man in the
black coat before the eagle strikes.
I need more help with this. I hope your
friends at the agency don't mind.
You see? You see, that's
what I'm talking about.
That's some real
spy talk right there.
- I knew it, I knew it.
- It's Riley.
- Mm-hmm.
- You're right.
Hauck must be in on this.
When you meet the FBI,
remember: No names, no IDs.
Only contact me on my cell.
You gotta come through on this.
From here on out
you're "The Cleaner. "
- Did you hear that?
- Yeah, I did, actually.
I'm "The Cleaner,"
I'm "The Cleaner"!
I knew it!
I told you!
It's Riley again.
Did you leave town?
You mentioned Boca Raton.
Where are you, Jake?
- Boca Raton?
- Were you planning a trip there?
No! No.
Boca Raton is a city
north of Miami in Florida.
Nothing.
Boca Raton...
"the mouth of the rat. "
- Huh?
- Spanish for "mouth of the rat. "
"Mouth of the rat. "
Mouth of The Rat...
yes!
- I know where the chip is!
- You know where the chip is?
That's what I'm saying.
- You're sure?
- Yes, yes! I'm positive! Come on!
- What?
- Would you put th...
- bac... those are mine!
- Stop it!
Look, I don't wanna be noticed.
Well, I guarantee you're gonna
get noticed in that getup.
Look, would you
put those back?
The plan is we get in,
we get out. It's simple.
Maybe you're right.
I mean it is after hours.
Nobody'll recognize me.
Hey, can you open
the gate?
Well, if it isn't
Mr. Jake Rodgers.
You know everybody
is looking for you?
I could get $75 for turning you in.
What's going on?
I know, baby, okay? But right
now, I need you to let me in.
Baby, I know you didn't
just call me "baby"!
How about calling me "Jacuzzi"?
How about that, Jake?
Why would
I call you that?
'Cause it's my name.
- It's French.
- French?
- You don't know nothing about that.
- Look, okay, whatever.
Jacuzzi, would you open
the gate, please?
No! You didn't even
remember my name.
I guess you also forgot how you
was all up on a sister
at the Christmas party?
Just all up in through here.
No no, I wasn't with you
at no company Christmas party.
What? Okay, hold on.
Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.
Oh! What? Bam!
But uh...
Huh-uh.
What the hell!
- Hmm?
- No!
Is that a goat?
Whoo!
Are we in the manger?
Okay, wait, hold on.
Is it all coming back
to you now?
Damn, do everybody
got pictures of me?
You promised me dinner,
Jake, and I want it.
- Look, fine.
- And I don't want no damn nine-piece.
I wanna go to a nice restaurant
where they got the salad bar
- and free refills.
- Okay, free refills, you got it, okay?
But right now, I'm gonna
have to ask you
- to get in the trunk.
- What?
Look, this is for your benefit
so you don't get fired
or nothing, okay,
from your job. Get in the trunk.
No, I ain't getting
in no trunk.
- Get in the trunk.
- No!
Get in the trunk.
You went with Asian?
- Hello, Riley.
- Hello.
So tell us... what was
your meeting with Jake about?
Oh, we were discussing how
to get you behind bars.
What happened to you?
You used to be
a real team player.
Well, that was when the team
made video games, not weapons.
You shouldn't have
called the FBI.
At the time I didn't know
that you'd bought a few agents.
One less, thanks
to your friend Jake.
What? What are you
talking about?
Eric, I think you should
take a look at this.
Shh!
It's this way.
How do you know?
I just do.
Bad memory and
an attitude.
Okay, this is it.
Colonel Bowman's
revenge.
Remember...
we get in, we get out.
Okay.
This is the motion capture stage
for the game designers.
I remember
sneaking in here.
Check this out.
This is it.
This is the throne
of the drug lord,
code name "The Rat. "
I knew it! I knew
all this stuff was real!
So now what?
"Boca Raton," baby.
You said it yourself...
"the mouth of the rat. "
I hid the X-1
right here.
- The chip!
- How do you like me now?
- You did it!
- That's right, I did it.
Okay, come on.
Let's get out of here.
So nice of you to come,
Mr. Rodgers.
So nice of you to come,
Mr. Rodgers.
So nice of you to come,
Mr. Rodgers.
Thanks for calling the FBI
on such an important matter.
Anything I can do
to help my country.
You fellas
got some ID?
You're a cautious man.
That's good.
Now hand over the chip.
Got a little something
for me?
Here it is...
$1/4-million
in thanks.
Obviously, this is
just between us.
It seems a little more
than a thank you.
Seems like a payoff.
I was just testing you.
Something's not right here.
Don't get too clever,
janitor.
Give us the chip
and take your gift.
I got a feeling
if I give you this chip
I ain't getting no gift.
Am I right?
I ain't leaving
this room either, am I?
Ah.
Man, I ain't got
the chip with me.
I mean, do I look
like a sucker?
I mean, do you think
I'm gonna come into a strange room
with the thing
in my pocket?
No, man!
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, I remember
everything now.
Y'all in some shit.
Yeah, you... I'm gonna
take my right elbow
and hit you in the
Adam's apple, knock it out.
Then you... I'm gonna
kick you with my size-12 shoe...
And then you... I'm gonna
hit you with him!
And there ain't gonna be
a damn thing you can do about it,
because I'm with the CIA! Ha!
Jake, what are you
talking about? The CIA?
You said it on the answering
machine... I'm with the Agency.
The Agency for
Custodial Professionals.
Jake, you're a janitor!
Wha...?
Uh-oh.
We're gonna die!
Run!
Shoot!
Argh!
How are we supposed
to get in and get out now?
Hey, wh... wh...
We're trapped, Gina.
They got us!
They got us!
So I'm just a janitor.
I don't fight crime,
I fight grime!
I get it, I get it.
I'm running out
of bullets.
We should just give up.
Hey, we give up!
We're coming out!
Jake, I need you to pull yourself
together right now, okay?
Okay.
All right, all right.
- I need your help!
- Oh!
Okay.
Okay.
This ain't
what you want!
I'm out.
Go!
I knew it was a weapon.
What are you doing?
Jake?
Come on.
Come on, let's go.
You, go!
Go on!
Ooh.
Wow.
Go on, go!
Oh.
Jake!
- Come on!
- Go go! Go go go go!
Give it up, Jake.
You can't win.
You're just a janitor.
Yahh! Yeah, you're
being mopped by The Cleaner!
- Huh.
- Damn, he hit me!
Stop right there,
Mr. Hauck!
Do you know who I am?
Yes, sir.
We're just doing our job.
Too bad.
Huh?
- Ooh!
- Damn, girl.
Get 'em, girl!
Oh, shit.
How do you like that?
You all right?
Hand over the chip,
mop boy.
Mop boy?
This ain't what you want.
And that's for wearing
pink underwear,
you freak.
Come on.
Oh.
You all right?
Oh, Jake,
that was amazing.
Well, people do some
pretty incredible things
when they're scared
out of their minds.
Don't make me laugh.
It hurts.
Am I bleeding?
No.
He... he hit me
in the mouth.
I wish I had
my nunchucks. Yeah.
Get out of my way.
...stomach.
He hit me, and it kind of hurt.
- Yeah, but then you came back.
- Then I'm... bow!
He was on me...
There he is.
Jake!
- Hey-hey!
- Good work.
- Yeah, man.
- I'm never gonna forget this.
Hey, I'm just
happy to help.
So you two were working
together all along?
Well, Jake discovered the X-1,
he came to me,
and together we planned
how to flush these guys out.
Gina...
I never should have
doubted you.
- Nice work.
- Thank you, sir.
I couldn't have done it
without Jake Rodgers.
This is my boss,
Martin Crane.
So you're "the" Jake?
Jake Rodgers.
How are you?
The Bureau thanks you.
Well, everybody except
for Shaw, right?
Listen, we could use
a good man like you.
How would you like
to join our training program?
What? Me?
The FBI?
Like, with... with the whole
badge and everything?
I don't know.
L...
No, sir,
I'm gonna stick
with the Agency.
Somebody's gotta
keep this place clean.
It's what I do.
Jake, I don't think that needs
to concern you anymore.
I trusted you
and you came through.
I got a little surprise
for you.
What are you talking about?
Don't do this, man.
I don't like
surprises.
Where do you think
you're going?
You again?
Wow.
Two ladies fighting
over a janitor.
- #... Far as I know,
you're a freak #
# Look nasty girl that shake
her ass to the beat #
- # To the beat, phat phat
skee skee... #
# 'Cause I'm ready for the girl,
but she don't come cheap #
# Aha, far as I know,
you're a freak... #
Come on, get up.
Had enough?
- Jake. Jake!
- Huh?
Are you just gonna
stand there and watch?
Hell yeah!
Okay.
Don't blink.
Hey, babe, I don't think
we're gonna make it.
And you...
you can use some hot cocoa
and a nap. Come on.
Easy.
You!
Hey hey, Jacuzzi.
Do you have any idea
what being locked in
a trunk for eight hours
does to a black
woman's hair?
I'm guessing
not good, right?
Mmm, you guess right.
A sister is not happy if her hair
is nappy, all right?
You owe me a visit
to my stylist Kiki
over at the salon called
"Hair This. " Why?
'Cause a sister needs
to get her hair did.
I want some highlights,
and I'm thinking
the highlights
make a sister look
a little more Latin.
- Eh?
- Latin?
Ah!
Okay, you got it.
You know, yes, definitely.
All right.
Do you salsa?
Ooh, he cute.
Uh!
What's up, fellas?
There he is.
There he is...
Look, before you get
started, man...
...Mr. Big Hotshot
Video Game Maker.
I can't believe you gave up
your mop for this suit.
Look, fellas, this was
a really hard decision.
I mean, not really,
but if... for real...
but I'll make us
some good games and...
G- g-games? I got game ideas.
I've been holding them in.
I'm gonna let 'em out.
What... what about the one...
"The Deadbeat Daddies. "
The objective of the game is to avoid
your baby mama... her legal team...
you gotta keep switching
your social security number,
and they can't get a DNA sample.
They take you on them talk shows about...
"Look at his face, look at his eyes,
look how much they look alike. "
"Look how much they look alike. "
That's how the game gonna say it...
"Look how much they look alike. "
- And you gotta avoid all that.
- That's good, man, that's good.
I heard it was based
on a true story, too.
- Ronnie, I'm gonna have to go, man.
- Whoa, wait, whoa whoa,
one more... what about the mad
janitor versus the co-worker
with the promotion? Yeah. I'll
t... I'll track you down and...
I mean, he... in the game...
will track you down...
- Hey, look...
... and he take care of you,
and... and... and... and...
and take you out.
I'm... I w...
I'm gonna call you, okay?
Wait, I got, like,
Just don't forget
where you came from.
Yeah, because the broom
don't wait on nobody, baby.
You understand?
This is mop life, mop life!
So sweep on!
You think he liked
my ideas?
Oh, yeah yeah.
Hey.
How's the game?
Eh, working on it.
Level five's too damn easy,
but, uh, we're tweaking it.
Okay, we'll bring that up
at Thursday's meeting.
Thanks a lot, boss.
I appreciate everything
you've done for me.
How about a raise?
No.
Oh.
Just checking. I didn't
think you was going to...
Mmm?
Hey, Jake,
what's up?
Hey, what are you
doing here?
Surprise!
This is nice. Thank you.
That's beautiful.
Oh, wow.
"'The Cleaner'
Saves the Day! Love, Gina. "
That's right,
with the help of his
waitress-slash-agent-
slash-almost-Boo.
How about...
almost-getting-closer-Boo?
Oh, really? I thought you
just would have forgot about me.
How could I forget
about you?
Technically, this is
another time, another place.
True.
What are you thinking?
Dinner and ice skating?
Ice skating?
On no!
You are not getting me into
those tight pants again.
I was thinking more like
moonlight under the stars
in the Bahamas.
Sounds pretty romantic.
First class all the way.
Sounds expensive.
Why don't you
let me worry about that?
- Okay.
- Come on.
The waitress and
the janitor take on the world.
That's right.
Uh... hold on.
A spy's gotta eat,
right?
Eh? Let's spend
some of this money.
Ow!
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, if you don't mind,
could you pick me up
a little box of kittens
and a rainbow Afro?
And if you could get my eighth-grade
schoolteacher on the phone...
I'd really like
to talk to her.
One other thing...
some brown shoe polish
with a little sponge tip.
That's the kind I like.
And a Simon and Garfunkel album...
just the... just the album cover.
I don't need
the actual album.
I mean, if it's no trouble. You
can get yourself something nice,
maybe some
animal crackers or something.
Maybe, like, a little sparkly...
a little spinning hat or something
with little... little helicopters on top.
I'm sorry, Oprah,
I can't take you
to the Grammys, okay?
You know why?
'Cause I need
a dirty girl.
Give me that. Stop!
Okay? That causes shrinkage.
Keep the freezie
off the deezie.
Enough with the ice
on the dice.
You gotta be real dirty.
Can you be dirty?
Can you be dingy?
Can you not brush
your teeth for me?
I have a computer chick
in my hotel?
You have the hottest...
- computer chick ever.
- Computer chick in your hotel ever!
Nobody... nobody's...
...but I can't even go in
to pretend to give him a kiss?
Nyah!
You want me to take
your temperature?
That's right.
All the dirty girls, make noise!
"Please, Dirty Clean Rapper,
be with me!"
L... I'll think about it.
Here we go.
Ow! Ooh! Yeah!
- Lower.
- Do you think that's...
Hey, lady! Take these.
I'm going to still
tell your wife.
Your breath smells
like sauted ass.
...like trash date.
...smells like hot garbage.
Eww!
I got two words for you...
Al-toids!
Lady, get your junk
in the trunk!
Are you the girl
from "Charlie's Angels"?
That's all I need.
# Everybody, bounce
if you know what I'm doin' #
# Get 'em up,
get 'em up, put 'em up #
# HP, KG, light 'em up #
# All the ladies got you
going crazy #
# All the fellas
gettin' that gravy #
# Get 'em up, keep 'em high #
# Once again, it's on
'cause everything is live #
# Live at the PJs #
# But it's the nine-nine independent
Mo Treader Hot's way #
# Yeah, if you're looking for
the boogie, you're looking for me #
# Everybody wanna party
with the R.O.C. #
# 'Cause, uh, we could
get tipsy, get busy #
# Hands up against me,
tell me that you with me #
# Ladies on the floor...
hands in the sky #
# Keep 'em up high,
keeping the party live #
# Baby, we don't stop,
baby, we don't quit #
# Now get a little closer,
come on, that's it #
# Making more and more hits,
everybody know #
# I keep 'em out of control
wherever I go #
# Now let me
hear you say "Ho... " #
# Look, baby #
# I'm sorry
I can't stay longer #
# I gotta do it, baby,
I gotta do it to you #
# I gotta go go #
# When time's on my tail,
better bail #
# It's either that
or go to jail #
# Professional,
so I leave no trail #
# They wanna see me
locked up in a cell #
# Run run run
from the ghetto bird #
# The whole precinct
on high alert #
# Tryin' to give me time
that I don't deserve #
# But my breakthrough
is full of dirt #
# Gotta go,
so I'm jumpin' fences #
# Being followed
by Doberman pinschers #
# Being watched
by TV, lasers #
# Gotta think quick
like a game of Tetris #
# You wanna catch the menace,
but I don't think I'ma let this #
# I'ma steal me a Lexus,
put pedal to the metal #
# So I'm gone
in 60 seconds #
# They wanna see me
locked up... #