Coffee Wars (2023) Movie Script

Triple shot, extra hot,
non-fat latte.
Almond, rice or soy?
Uh, no, just milk.
You know, from a cow.
Some people recycle.
We're Plant-arium.
We don't serve that here.
You're a coffee place, and you
don't serve regular milk-milk?
Some people carry their
own bags to the grocery store.
I assume that you can read,
because your nose has been
buried in your two phones
since you walked in here.
Some people
occasionally hug trees.
Some people cry at the sight of a
lumberyard for no apparent reason.
So why don't you use your
eyeballs and read the sign, okay?
- That's a joke, right?
- Uh, a joke?
She's not really
having a good day.
Some people swore off parmesan
on pasta even though they love it
because it's a milk product.
'Cause people like you, lining
up to kick the planet in the teeth,
demanding cow's milk...
Some people live
in a solar-powered home
and live on battery power
at night.
Which is just pure
straight-up cruelty to animals.
Dairy farmers
artificially inseminate cows
so that they stay in a perpetual
pregnant state of milk production.
And then
when their babies are born,
they are torn away from them
and sold for veal.
Some people
collect their own rainwater
and take showers heated
by the sun, or cold baths.
And then they are milked
and milked and milked
until their bones are so brittle
that they can't even stand.
- Did you know that?
- Wow.
And some people
want to make a difference,
even if they are
often certifiable.
Don't even get me started on the
feed and the grain that they consume!
- Okay, when the oceans are filling with acid...
- Holy shit.
And there's an asshole ripped
in the ozone layer all because
- arrogant, head-in-the-sand pricks like you...
- Wow.
Want a little cow's milk
in your coffee,
don't come crying to me!
'Cause I'm too busy in here
trying to save the planet
for you and your kids!
I don't have kids.
Get out!
- Hey.
- Go to Buckstars.
- Hey.
- My coffee is too good for you.
I, I just wanted a coffee!
Hey, Jo, do you think I can get
an advance on my paycheck?
Is this a fucking charity?
Meet Jo Hanson.
That will be a no then.
This is her single source,
organic, plant-based,
100% compostable,
lactose-free coffee shop.
And this is the planet Earth.
So very warm.
This is a cheeseburger.
So very juicy.
Some people believe
global warming is a hoax.
And some people could care less
if we burn down the Amazon
as long as they get more big,
juicy cheeseburgers.
Okay, so the planet
is getting warmer,
the ice is melting,
people love cheeseburgers.
I'm not Morgan Freeman,
but heroes come
in all shapes and sizes.
This one is from a small farm
on the outskirts of London,
where our story
of true valor begins.
Her name is Josephine.
She prefers Jo.
It's wrong.
Pulling and pushing at you
like you're a piece of meat.
The way they yank
and twist your privates.
You feel violated?
You don't need
to say anything, Daisy.
I want you to know,
from this moment on,
I will never drink so much
as a thimbleful of the milk
they extract from you.
I appreciate these one-on-ones.
Fist bump?
It's not Daisy anymore.
That's a nice bit of
T-bone, that. Quality stuff.
I will never eat it.
Never is such
an awfully long time.
Is that the way you think
she should be remembered?
As not good enough to eat?
The trauma of that had a
lasting impression on her.
She grew up,
traded the Stingray
with the banana seat
for an electric scooter.
Her motto: Zero, neutral,
non-GMO, locally sourced,
fair trade, pesticide free,
happy planet,
happy cow, anti-plastic,
with shoes hand-stitched
by free-range workers
making a living wage
under the eco-friendly glow
of LED,
energy-efficient light bulbs.
Cappuccino with rice milk.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy.
Why does she always do that?
That's Angelo Moriondo,
the inventor of, like,
the espresso machine.
Jo believes he's, like, the patron
saint of coffee or something.
But I don't know.
- Is that a penis?
- No.
It's a, it's a tree stump with
two rocks on either side of it
and a cascade of wispy flowers
flowing from the split at the top.
Professional competitive
baristas make patterns in the milk,
and generally
not pornographic ones.
So perhaps this one is a tree
stump with wispy white flowers
flowing from the split in
the top and not a ding-dong.
Roopa, maybe we should stick
to hearts and ferns,
- rosettas, you know, in the milk.
- Fine.
World Barista Championship.
50,000 cash prize. Enter today.
World Barista Championship.
Could pay off that loan.
Hi, Mom.
I was just about to call you.
She was just gonna ring us
- when we called.
- And pigs fly south for the winter.
Jo's mother and father
are simple dairy farmers,
yet they share the same passion for
quality coffee with patterns in the milk.
Is everything all right, petal?
It's just a little bit tough
at the moment, but...
Oh, no, what's the matter?
- It's money, Joan. She needs money.
- Shut up, Raymond.
- What did he say?
- Oh, he's just grinding his beans.
You know how much
he loves his coffee.
Double tamp and twist.
Well, maybe it's time
you went back to college
and finished
that accounting degree.
And then you can come
and take over the dairy.
And you can always make
your coffee here.
- Your dad does.
- Bye, Mom.
Tell Dad not to burn his beans,
- yeah?
- Bye, love.
She makes a good coffee,
but without milk.
Bloody hopeless.
Do you want one? It's a swan.
Boss wants you
to sign for the beans.
And if you don't pay
for this one,
I'm not allowed
to deliver to you next week.
- I don't make the rules.
- Well, that's fair enough, Ray.
Talking about the details
and minutiae
of caffeinated beans
really turns her on.
Well, I mean,
you might be able to
slide one, maybe two weeks.
Don't suppose you wanna tell me
anything about these sexy coffee beans?
Well, maybe a couple
of odd tidbits.
I've discovered a correlation
between the flavor profiles
of beans picked
at different altitudes
and the taste preferences
of the people
consuming the coffee
made by those beans.
People who live at sea level
prefer bolder,
more dominant flavors.
Whereas those living
at high altitudes,
they like their coffee softer
gentler, more, um, sensuous.
More coffee talk, please.
Let's start with Arabic a beans.
Oh, God.
Hi, Stoney.
I'm very busy.
Can't see you right now.
More like...
Oh, just stop it. Sit down.
I never used a bong.
My name is Katina McQueen.
Stoney is pregnant.
One night in high school,
while completely wasted
on the ganja, Jo kissed her.
Stoney has been in love
with Jo ever since.
I haven't been Stoney McQueen
for a very long time.
- Since school!
- Sorry.
Oh, wow, look at this.
"Assistant manager."
Yes, I am. Look, I can't
keep doing you favors.
I mean, what is next, you know?
Manager of this
magnificent establishment?
I'm not fucking around. You have to
make a payment now or you're done!
I've got 100 quid, all right?
So we're square?
No, not even close.
Maybe I will let it slide for a couple
of weeks until my boss gets back.
He's at a conference in Ibiza.
They got one of those dance
floors that fills up with foam.
- I love foam.
- What, up to your neck?
It's fucking scary.
You could drown.
They wouldn't find you
for weeks. They party 24/7.
And when the boss gets back?
Well, then you're
entirely fucked.
Look, why don't you
compete again?
Jo Hanson, Plant-arium Roasters.
Worked for Rudy
down at Avante Garden.
Um, Rudy got lucky, okay?
- He entered in a weak year.
- Oh, what, twice?
Hello, Josephine.
Come to see
how the professionals do it?
It's Jo.
And I just wanna make sure
you're not fucking
things up around here.
Right, right.
I'm fucking things up.
That's why the line runs
all the way out the door
and round the block at
five o'clock in the afternoon.
- What, you got some kind of coupon voucher giveaway going?
- No.
I know last time was a complete
and utter disaster,
but if you can hold it
together this time...
Well, you know, if you ever
wanna sell that La Marzocco,
I could use a second machine,
especially in the late afternoons.
Piccolo, doppio Ethiopian
with almond milk.
- Wow, good memory.
- Well, I am a professional.
And two-time United Kingdom
barista champion, so...
England is hardly
the United Kingdom.
- And you lost at World's.
- Well, there's always this year.
Rudy's very talented. He
could teach you a thing or two.
Excuse me. Not about coffee!
Maybe about posing with that
stupid barbershop quartet beard
and matching nose ring.
I'll make you one. On the house.
Concentric circles are askew.
You're slipping.
Let's hope
the taste is satisfactory.
Yeah, well, uh
the taste is acceptable.
Bye, Josephine.
Or Jo.
Good luck with that vegan thing.
Have you got anyone
that you can go to for a loan?
'Cause otherwise the dream
is beep, beep, beeeeeeeeep.
Okay, let's rewind
the story here.
Oh, hello, Jo.
In addition to despising Rudy
because he is
so utterly obnoxious,
a few months ago when
she was even more destitute
than she currently is now,
rather than go crawling
to her parents,
she went to the one person
she knew who had money,
Rudy Wintergreen,
and took out a cash loan
against her beloved
espresso machine.
It was a moronic move.
You know that machine
is worth twice that.
You know that I know
that you know
that I know that
you know that I know that,
but no one else
really knows that.
Wow. You guys got a tip.
No, I put that in there.
You know, prime the pump.
- Okay. Where's Mike?
- He died.
Oh. Yeah, you guys
are crushing it.
It's only a matter of time.
So, so, so sorry I'm late.
My girlfriend's got me babysitting
a family of Welsh polecats.
And don't touch them.
It's like a ferret
with a white, scruffy snout.
- Really?
- I was chilling like Bob Dylan until two of them got out.
Oh. Hey, where you going?
So that's not
a shaving cut then?
- You think I'd lie about something like this, Jo?
- All right, what did you do?
- I tackled one of them by the bootstraps.
- I got you.
Full-on Welsh
international rugby fashion.
But then the other one
attacked me.
Rabid crazy son of a bitch.
It's hiding underneath
the four-poster now.
Come here!
- So that's why I'm late.
- Wait, is it, it's still there?
Uh-huh. I put out
a plate of warm brie.
Well, my girlfriend's brie.
Carefully infused it
with crushed up sleeping pills.
Oh. Actually,
maybe I should have told her.
She's on a low-fat, low-carb
diet, and it's not really working out.
- Brie!
- What if it attacks her?
Nah, she's pretty scary.
Worst thing that happens,
she eats the snacks
and passes out, right?
Probably should have told her,
- shouldn't I?
- Yeah, probably.
One triple shot, activated
almond with the caramel drizzle.
Enjoy off the planet, right?
Oh, uh, hang on
a sec there, girlfriend.
I'll make you another.
These circles
are slightly abstract.
- And, not to be picky, but the milk down the side...
- I got bumped.
Even if it tastes unbelievable,
which I'm sure it does,
but we have to be
absolutely perfect.
One triple shot almond, caramel.
You know, sometimes it takes
years to find your coffee doojee.
When will I know
that I've found it?
Doojees, like mojos,
are elusive.
You'll know when you've
found yours. You, you just feel it.
Where will I feel it?
Well, here, here, and here.
Jo, my mother wants me to,
like, focus on my schoolwork.
Her study on Neolithic Britain
and the architectural significance
of, like, Stonehenge is ending.
She wants me to go
to college in the US.
I don't know
what she's freaking out about.
I already crushed the SAwith double 800s.
So she wants me to go to Harvard
and not end up
at some other
trashy shitbox college.
I don't know how much longer
I can, like, work for you.
UH, That's, like, cool, Maja.
- Can I ask you a favor?
- Sure.
- Can I ask you a favor?
- Sure.
Do you think you could spare, like,
100 advance off my next paycheck?
Could you spare 100 quid
against my paycheck?
- You have to make a payment now.
- It's for my mom's birthday.
I'm not allowed to deliver
to you next week.
Then you're entirely fucked.
Five hundred
for the sofa and the telly?
Maybe it's time
you went back to college.
- I put you out of business.
- Get a loan.
Advance on my paycheck?
Is this a fucking charity?
- Oh, hello, Jo.
- Fuck!
Hi. Uh, Jo Hanson,
Plant-arium Coffee Roasters.
Hey, aren't you that nutter
from Nationals
a few years back
that went completely mental?
What? What?
No. No, that wasn't me.
Is this check-in, love?
And this is the feature I am
so loving about this model.
This bloke's fucking good.
Depends what
he's being judged on.
He spilled a few drops of milk
from the steam nozzle.
That's a point deduction.
- They write you down for that?
- Yeah, of course, they do.
Next up, 62.
Hey, good luck out there.
I don't need luck.
62. Jo Hanson,
Plant-arium Roasters.
Good afternoon, judges.
Quick clarification.
Here at prelims,
it's two drinks, correct?
Pulled espresso
and a signature drink?
That is correct.
The order is up to you.
Uh, you didn't bring
along a team today.
On my own. Shall we begin?
Il espresso.
- She's good.
- I could never juggle.
A coffee in its rawest and
yet arguably most pristine form.
As my father always taught me,
a twist to the left,
a gentle tap
to release static electricity,
then another half twist
to the right.
Espresso should be
equal parts bitter yet sweet.
Robust yet tender.
From its origins in Turin,
the way the masters of espresso
envisioned it.
I could never speak Italian.
I can hardly speak English.
Fucking hell. We're toast.
Jo did win
at South Gloucestershire,
but taking the win at Regionals
was just the first step.
A step in the right direction.
- Perfect start to a perfect day.
- Thank you.
One unsweetened
organic oat milk latte with,
hmm, let's make it easy, a swan.
Clarification, if you will.
Is that a white swan
in crema clouds
or a crema swan in relief
against white clouds?
Uh, crema swan.
Tired of the shite they serve
down at Event Garden?
Avante Garden.
Nationals released
its list of competitors.
I see you're on it.
But did you forget rule 2.2.2?
A latte consists of a single shot of
espresso with steamed cow's milk.
Perhaps this time around when
you go mad as a bag of ferrets,
you'll actually hit a wheelchair-bound
judge with a flying saucer.
This is a coffee competition,
not a milk competition!
I had no idea
he was handicapped.
- You, madam, are disqualified!
- What?
- I think the correct term is disabled.
- I knew that.
- Get her out of here!
- You're disqualified!
- You're all disqualified!
- Out!
Anyway, you're the one
that's gonna shit themselves
- when I beat you.
- Really?
Well, you can always click
your ruby slippers together,
find a pot of gold
at the end of a rainbow,
or a leprechaun
in your undergarments drawer.
But milk substitutes like the
ones you waste good coffee on
will never manage the rich,
creamy perfection achieved
when, like Canadian
Olympic pair ice skaters,
real milk
and single origin coffee
embrace to form
a flying figure eight
of flavor pirouettes
on your tongue.
Wow. And they say
I'm long-winded.
- Doojee.
- What was that?
If I have to explain it.
Say, is that a swan
or a western screech owl?
Not bad
for an inferior milk substitute.
- Toodle-loo.
- You cannot let him get under your skin.
Specially if you plan to go
all the way at Nationals.
Well, that's the plan,
but keep it down, okay?
Jo is going
to Nationals, people!
- Hey!
- So cool.
- Sweet.
- Right.
- Subtle.
- All right, Jo!
Knew I could confide
in you, Roopa.
- Oh, texting.
- Mom?
Oh, darling.
What are you doing here?
Happy birthday.
It's not for another month.
Sixty-five quid
and some shopping vouchers.
That's completely unnecessary.
Your dad and I
wanted to see the caf.
The old man's here?
Well, he's parked
out in the alley.
You know,
the whole vegan thing, so...
It's a little shabby,
but, uh, it's functional. Hm.
Oh, he's got beads in his beard.
- Mom! Oh, my God.
- Hello.
Welcome to the Plant-arium
family! See you later, Mom.
Drive all the way here and, uh,
didn't wanna come inside?
Well, I couldn't leave the
old girl in the alley, darling.
Oh, right. I suppose you'd get
a ticket or something.
Or towed.
Quad shot,
single origin, oat milk.
- Is that a swan?
- Yeah, it is, yeah.
Nicely done.
- Bye, darling.
- Bye, Mom.
Here we go!
Whoa, slow down, darling!
I don't have a top!
Sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry, I'm late.
Oh, meet Petunia.
Yeah, the studded chihuahua
collar was all that Pet Planet had.
All right, it made me feel
all warm inside.
Do you think I'm metrosexual?
Is that even still a term?
And you couldn't have left
Petunia at home?
She suffers from a severe case
of separation anxiety.
Yesterday, before her brekky
of red ants and crickets,
she got so pumped up on
adrenaline, shot out of her cage,
and let me tell you, this baby hums
like Usain Bolt when she gets spooked.
- Does it bite?
- Oh, a little.
Things that look like food.
Earlobes, nose, fingers.
- Okay.
- I'll just go put her in the sink.
Two things win at Nationals:
Great coffee
and an equally great story.
So, no idea's off the table.
Just throw anything out there.
Uh, I went online and watched
some of the winners from last year
and compared them to the potential
results of the registered judges
based on their socio-political histories
and ethnic backgrounds and so forth.
Okay, you have me aroused.
I thought we could do this
as a team, all of us.
We? Me too?
The Plant-arium Coffee Pit Crew?
Well, I wouldn't classify us
under those terms.
Oh, come on.
Master Roaster here.
And, Ray, no one is better at
analytics and strategy than you.
And, Roopa...
You know...
Uh, I mean, you are Miss...
Come on, you're
Miss Measurement and Cleanup.
I have a London Fog Cambridge four-piece
Spinner Luggage set in olive green.
I've had it for four years,
and it's still in the plastic.
Okay, so, hm,
for our signature drink...
I see
a grand political statement
about the times we live in.
Take the southwest
American border.
Texas, we hire a coyote.
He brings across six, no, four,
four undocumented immigrants
from Mexico,
or deeper into Central America.
Nicaragua, Honduras, Guatemala,
it, it doesn't really matter. It's
up to you. One for each judge.
They might have children.
Then we bring them along too.
No one gets left behind.
Each immigrant,
in soiled clothing,
carries a 25-pound burlap sack
of single-farm Panamanian beans
on their backs.
We use the beans from the sweat
of their backs to make the coffee.
Don't you think that's a little
bit down there in the weeds?
We could make it
Syrian refugees.
Boat people carrying across
bags of coffee on sinking rafts.
Immigration is such
a hot-button topic.
Okay, don't ever say
boat people again.
Don't you think this is
just a little bit exploitative?
Yeah, no,
it is a bit political, actually.
My girlfriend works
in animal rescue.
- Thus the leathery finger-biter.
- Yeah.
Did you know the most
expensive coffee bean
is found in the high-altitude
Indonesian rain forest covered in feces?
Wait, I think
I've heard about this.
The civet cat
eats the coffee cherries,
shits out the beans,
and the locals collect the shit,
clean the shit off the beans
and roast them.
The enzymes
inside the cat's stomach
create a distinctively pungent
yet savory flavor.
- Is that even vegan?
- Damn it.
It's an animal secretion,
just like cow's milk.
Hold on a sec, girlfriend.
Milk is an edible secretion,
isn't it? Like cum.
But I wouldn't know.
This is poo.
And poo isn't edible.
I mean,
my mom's dog Harry eats it,
but he does whatever he wants.
Uh, in this rescue place,
my girlfriend has
one of these crazy,
hopped-up-on-coffee civet cats.
I get the cat,
feed it coffee beans,
and when it shits,
we have rare coffee gold.
Shrinking habitats,
rare cats eating beans,
facing extinction,
biosphere under threat?
And then we feed them
the cat poo coffee?
Come on, guys. Jo, what are you?
Female owner, operator, barista
earning about 15,000 quid
a year after taxes?
Who's trying to save the world
one cup of coffee at a time.
You're spearheading
a revolution.
- A female Pancho Villa.
- Pancho Villa was a vegan coffee
- revolutionary too?
- Seems unlikely, but let's just go with it.
The competition rules
clearly state
that the use of cow's milk
in the latte is mandatory.
But your almond milk latte is so
ridiculously, resoundingly good,
it won't matter
if you break the rules.
And if they disqualify you,
that doesn't matter either.
- Exactly.
- Because you made a stand for what you believe in.
And we stand with you.
Money and glory may be scarce,
but what we have,
that's priceless.
Friendship and trust.
A well of it
that digs so deep into the earth
and reaches so high up
into the sky.
How does a well reach up
into the sky, Roopa?
Lock it up, people.
- Bye-bye, guys.
- Good night.
- You wanna hang out?
- Uh, no, I've got a thing.
- A thing?
- Yeah. A thing.
Sounds like you're trying
to keep something from me.
'Cause last time I checked,
we weren't
officially dating, so...
- Go and do your thing then.
- Yeah?
- I've got a thing as well actually.
- Have you?
- Yeah. On my own.
- Okay.
All right, bye.
- Out of power?
- Piece of shit, fuck.
How you doing, Tammy?
Looking good.
- This is gonna be fun.
- Fucking asshole.
Fucking piece of shit.
It is double elimination,
Loser owes 300 pounds!
Last week's champ,
Ridiculous Ray,
gets a buy-in
for the first round
because we have
an odd 15 tonight!
Then you've got room
for one more.
Oh, look what the cat
dragged in.
A late entry from the vegan side
of the tracks.
Struggling Josephine Hanson.
- Just Jo.
- First up, we have Touchy Jo against Magical Megan.
Three minutes, one latte,
room decides.
No spills,
immediate disqualification.
Must have a clean, white, unbroken
circle around the edge of the cup.
Competitors must name
their art beforehand.
Are we ready?
Call out and begin!
- Rosetta.
- Unicorn.
Come on, Ready?
And the winner is...
Jo! Jo! Jo!
Butterfly or eye?
The eye!
Salamander or scorpion?
Bye, Dan!
So long, Robbie!
Piss off, John!
It's a dragon!
Loser Logan! Bye, Bob!
Luscious Loretta
against Magical Megan!
It's Edvard Munch's
Screaming Woman!
And Rambunctious Robbie
against Cock Happy Charlie!
Oh, she's got the broken heart.
Broken heart's the winner!
Tree stump or killer whale?
Killer whale!
Lying John
against Fucking Frank!
Eiffel Tower!
She's the winner!
Mo... Mo... Mona Lisa!
Mount Rushmore!
Giant Pacific octopus,
endangered species!
- Edward Hopper! A masterpiece!
- Wow.
Pablo Picasso, Cubist Woman!
Bye, Jesse. Only two remain!
Ridiculously Good Ray
and Watery Milk Jo!
Just Jo, please.
Both of you have one loss
apiece, so this settles it.
Do you even have 300 pounds, Jo?
Would I enter this sham
of a contest if I did not?
That's a no!
Call out the artwork
and let the clocks go!
- A school of jellyfish.
- A bridge.
- Just a bridge?
- Yeah.
London Tower Bridge!
School of jellyfish!
I mean, it's a bit overdone.
Queen Elizabeth
when she first took rule
and the old regal one,
you know, today.
I tried to capture the benevolent
indifference in her smile.
Well, I mean, I concede.
And the loser is the loser!
Okay, well...
Uh, you owe me 300 quid.
I'm good for it. Actually, I'm,
I'm gonna have to owe you.
- I live here now.
- Is that a single bed futon?
I'm maximizing efficiencies.
Yeah, well,
you could live with me.
- We could talk about coffee all the time then.
- Yeah.
Good morning!
Jo was a fighter,
but she would need
an outstanding and unique
specialty coffee drink in order to win.
Her cause, to save the planet
one cup at a time,
was hanging in the balance.
Someone pick up
these beans, please.
Love foam.
a hint of plum and pomegranate,
a dash of agave,
and, um, a passing wisp
of sour lime
around the rim of the glass.
I, I think this is the one.
- Uh...
- Stop what you're doing. I'm about to change your lives.
Roasted these bad boys at 450
degrees Fahrenheit until they cracked,
let them cool, sprayed them with
water, and roasted them again.
- Aww.
- Nice kitty!
Paradoxurus hermaphroditus.
Otherwise known
as the Asian palm civet cat.
On loan from the Pamela Anderson
Film & Television Animal Rescue.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
a coffee-making machine.
Oh, and by the way, Pamela
is vegan too. I thank you.
She answers to Powderpuff.
Don't you?
- Is it friendly?
- No.
So, I got a bushel of coffee
cherries and made the cat eat them.
So you shoved them
down its throat.
Does Pamela know you did this?
She lives in Malibu.
Nine time zones away.
And, no, I gave it a choice.
Crisps, bananas, pizza,
or coffee cherries.
That beauty pounced
on those coffee cherries
like a fat kid
on a burst piata.
Ooh, coffee cherries.
Drink up.
I can't place the flavor.
Well, it's, it's got something.
It's interesting, right?
It's definitely unique.
I'm picking up maybe seafood?
It tastes like...
It's oddly like garlic?
Spicy garlic.
- Spicy garlic.
- Yeah, did the cat eat
a bunch of garlic chili paste
as well as the cherries?
Uh, no, that was me.
I had this killer
Thai garlic chicken.
Seitan garlic, Seitan,
in a spicy chili curry paste.
So, it turns out this
pampered cinema industry cat
grew up on canned tuna, right?
It ate those coffee cherries
and vomited.
Oh, my... Ugh.
It couldn't digest
its own natural cuisine.
So I did.
these coffee beans come
come from you?
And discovered it's all about
what you eat first.
Next time, I'm thinking
I should eat
a big block of chocolate.
So the question is what flavor
profile are you after?
I like it.
It reminds me of this tea my mom
used to give me when I was a kid.
Welcome, everyone,
on YouTube, Facebook,
and anyone lucky enough to be
seeing this on penitentiary telly.
This is the British National
Barista Championships,
coming to you live and edited
for our fans incarcerated.
I'm Bernie Du Boucher
- and this is Lisa San...
- And I am Lisa San Germaine.
- Yeah.
- And do we have a treat for you.
Oh, yes, we do.
The La Marzocco representative
and German champion,
all the way from Dusseldorf,
it's Hans Schittschuhlaufen.
Schlittschu... Just tell me you're not gonna
chuck me out of bed if I say it incorrectly.
Well, how many competitors
do we have with us today, Lisa?
Forty-one. From all over
the United Kingdom.
England, Ireland, Scotland, and
Wales. And even the Isle of Man.
We're gonna follow
each and every one of them
as they attempt
to pull their best shot.
I call it
Mexican Spiced Chocolate Galore.
Uh, melted chocolate de Mesa...
Is it true that
each of the contestants
has a maximum of 825 points?
Skillfully dried summer
pepperoncini, shaken over...
Is that right?
Oh, I love the way you say my
name. Really rolls off your tongue.
- Lisa!
- What?
Wild forest thyme infusion.
This is...
So I shall blend it with, uh...
Can we get a medic in here?
Each competitor has 15 minutes to
create three coffees for four judges.
You've got a way
with words, Hans.
- Hands, Hans.
- What?
What kind of specialty drinks
do they make?
It's whatever they want.
Yeah, it is a no-holds-barred
coffee tastebud take down.
A few drops of milk
over the side of a cup,
going over the allotted time,
or even an audible shite
can doom their quest
for barista immortality.
Hans, coffee has a
really grand history.
Tell me, do you know
how Moses likes his coffee?
Hebrews it!
Well, if it's not Miss Hanson.
- I...
- Wait for it.
- I should probably...
- I said wait.
- I was just...
- Stop.
You aren't planning on tossing
any Royal Doulton my way, are you?
Fuck! This is a coffee
competition, not a milk...
I hadn't considered tossing
anything around this time, actually.
I'd hate to have to deduct
points for errant flying china.
No, of course. That would be
if you were judging my round,
which I assume you're not?
Oh, my. It's Jo Hanson from
Plant-arium Coffee Roasters,
and I am the judge.
And if you're thinking
of serving me nut juice
in your cow's milk latte,
you might want to reconsider.
Fuck. Fuck. Mother fuck.
Grab yourself a construction
hardhat, because next up
is Jo Hanson from Plant-arium
Coffee Roasters, London.
I've roasted and flavor-checked
the high-altitude Ethiopian,
the high-altitude Guatemalan,
and the low-altitude Panamanian.
I have precisely measured each
one of the exact pulls of the beans
selected by my colleague Andrew.
Each one is color-coded,
and the machines,
the carafes, the utensils,
well, they're
spit-shine spotless.
- Did you actually spit on my gear?
- Hm.
The way Angelo Moriondo
would have wanted it.
All right, the judges.
Three live sea level,
so I'd go bold for them.
The fourth spent 30 years at
Chamonix as a snowboard instructor
who fancied hip-hop
on the weekends.
Which suggests a preference
for milder flavors.
Roast it!
Oh, look, some team spirit!
Lock it up, people.
That looks warm, doesn't it?
Looks fun, doesn't it, Hans?
We could do that up here.
We could slap each other,
or I could slap you.
We could pat each other
on the ass.
You could start with me.
Hey, let's keep those ghosts in
the closet where they belong, eh?
- Yes.
- Judges ready?
Timer ready. Let's begin.
Coffee has always been
about revolution.
Jorge, you look like a man who
can appreciate a good revolution.
The Arab world,
the 13th century.
Coffeehouses were popular
meeting places
where discussions bloomed
about music, religion,
stoning of adulterers.
Run your fingers along the edge.
- like the coffee served in this period.
- Hm.
Spiced with cumin, cinnamon,
swinging big blades here,
mind your fingers,
and traditionally honey.
Cumin, that is
one of my favorites.
You like it salty
and sticky, eh?
All right, keep your hair on.
The essence of these
danger-filled Arabian nights,
I have blended with ice and
strained through Moroccan muslin.
A few drops are all we need.
We dive ahead, 1884.
The revolution comes to coffee.
Angelo Moriondo invents the
world's first espresso machine.
This one, I prepared at home.
Using a spectrometer to untangle
its flavor components,
I discovered that the molecules
of a caramelized date leaf,
when deep frozen
in liquid nitrogen,
powdered and carbonized,
mirrored the desperation
of the Orient,
fallen hordes
at the Great Wall of China.
Sweet ginger,
macadamia, and lychee.
A single drop, and we recall
those tormented times.
Perfect hand.
Steady, impressive.
It's like watching David Blaine
shove a crochet needle
through his cheek.
And I present to you
my signature coffee drink.
Eight centuries of revolution.
And now, the way
my revolutionary Italian friend
Angelo Moriondo envisioned it,
il espresso.
Take your first sip.
Taste the florals of Ethiopian coffee
cherries picked at high altitudes.
In your second sip, taste
the creamy quality of coffee
grown in harsh,
unwavering volcanic soil.
Now, drain your cups
and feel the warmth
of an equatorial paradise.
Today, the revolution continues.
Global warming.
Here we go.
Billions of lattes
are consumed every year.
And the milk from the cows
that goes into those lattes,
the trillions
of gallons of water
that is used
to produce that milk,
is having adverse effects
on our fragile planet!
Bring it home, Jo.
So I proffer a question.
Is it not criminal to add
cow's milk to perfection?
The revolution must continue.
The revolution for oat milk,
almond milk, soy milk,
and all other plant-based milks.
- Oh, she has left the building, Lisa.
- Yes.
That nut milk
has turned her into a nutter.
Oh, nut puns.
They're new for this year,
Bernie. They're hilarious.
We don't make the rules.
We just follow them.
However, the, uh
the pairing of cow's milk
with great coffee
is still the way that competitions
like this are constructed.
It's wrong.
It's not Daisy anymore.
That's a nice bit
of T-bone, that.
And so, I must comply.
Did I mention
that Jo is extremely broke?
- What?
- And did I also mention
that Jo is prone
to bad decisions?
Well, she is.
Where we going?
Guys, wait, where are you going?
Oh, we're out of here,
because our friend stabbed us
and the planet in the back.
I started eating cashew
cheese because of you.
And I actually
really, really like it.
After all that bullshit about saving
the planet one cup of coffee at a time.
What do you say, Birmingham?
Shall we brew up some
of baristas best of the best?
Shall we announce our five runners-up
and crown our British champion?
I had a chance to win.
But I knew Jorge
- would disqualify me again.
- Jorge.
- And I am broke.
- Jo,
a principle is not a principle
- unless it costs you something.
- Yeah.
How do you think
Colin Kaepernick feels now?
Oh, I don't know who that is,
but I agree.
Becky, it's fantastic. Mm, yeah.
- Third place...
- Third. Three.
Better get back in there,
by the way, in case you win,
which will confirm the complete
destruction of your moral compass.
Zombies have more conviction
in their ideals,
and they've only got
half a brain.
- Ray! Andy, come on.
- Our final two from London!
It's like my mother always says.
You are not being honest
if your burn your tongue,
and you do not tell everyone
else that the soup is hot.
Rudy Wintergreen
of Avante Garden
and Jo Hanson from
Plant-arium Coffee Roasters!
You lose even if you win.
Oh, and they just
called your name.
- And now, the moment of truth.
- Truth.
Our winner is gonna be taking
home a trophy too large to be practical.
Sounds like
a swanky fade haircut
you'd get from a Russian barber.
- What does our runner-up get, Lisa?
- Absolutely nothing, Bernie.
- Welcome to the stage, Rudy and Jo!
- Yeah.
That's him.
That's him. That's him.
And Jo?
The tall, green vegan woman.
- Jo Hanson!
- Jo?
The pairing of cow's milk
with great coffee
is still how competitions
like this are constructed,
and so I must comply.
And the first runner-up...
Which makes Jo Hanson our Royal.
National Barista Champion!
Jo Hanson!
Go get your trophy!
See you in Dubrovnik, sellout.
She had gone against
everything she believed in.
She won and lost.
The journey back would be
difficult even for her.
- Hey, uh, what's going on here?
- We're waiting for it to open.
- Well, what to open?
- The coffeehouse.
Lassie won
best coffee in the world.
- You mean in the UK.
- Yeah, that too.
- Hello, everyone.
- I'm Jo, the owner.
Uh, I'll be opening up
right away.
Thank you all
so much for waiting.
Oh, uh, so as not
to disappoint anyone,
we're a vegan operation here.
Is that no milk?
No milk? For real?
Well, I hope it's as good
as they say it is.
Okay, just give me
one second here.
Hey, girl.
May I present Cameron and
this other guy,
I don't know his name.
They're the only two dudes
I could, like, get, so...
Maja, you, like, handle
the till.
Cameron and friend,
either of you two have
any hot liquid experience
at all?
No, but she said you'd pay us.
Okay. Come with me.
Shit. Double shot decaf latte
and a piccolo soy caramel.
Thank you very much.
Oh, Roopa, hi.
W... wait, w... wait, um,
let me make you a coffee
the way you like it,
for old time's sake.
Triple shot oat milk latte with
a sprinkle of dark chocolate?
Here you go.
It's gone.
- What?
- Your doojee.
- My doojee?
- It's not here or here or here.
But you'll know
when you find it.
- Bollocks!
- What? Whoa.
Where's my doojee?
I never got the chance
to congratulate you.
- What's this?
- It's a gift. I thought you might need it.
You know how I feel
about cow's milk.
It's a moral issue
you feel very passionate about.
Except for the days you don't.
It's funny how that works,
isn't it?
Second place had to hurt.
Second place in the UK.
Did I not mention
I have dual citizenship?
Yeah, I won the Canadian title
a month and a half ago.
I'm gonna be representing
Canada, and I'm gonna win.
What were you even doing
in Birmingham at Nationals then?
Practicing. How about a piccolo
doppio Ethiopian with almond milk
from the Royal United
Kingdom champion?
I'll even pay for it.
- So, have you sourced your beans?
- No.
Yeah, I have. Found a little
finca high in the hills of Guatemala.
San Marcos region.
Maybe you've heard of it.
The Farm of the Two Marias?
- La Finca Dos Marias?
- Yes!
Is that an elephant trunk?
It's a tulip.
Ugh. No. Uh, no. It's horrible.
What happened?
You used to be so talented.
Lovely La Marzocco.
Yeah, that will look quite
handsome over at my place. Hm.
I'll use it myself. Toots.
- I don't want this.
- Whoa.
Maybe it is a bit big
for a paperweight.
Or maybe a doorstop.
- Oh, you really did it, Jo.
- Yay.
You put
your personal beliefs aside
and let your business sense
rule you.
Oh, God, is it hot in here?
Oh. Do you want
some edamame pesto?
It's 100% vegan. It's good.
You've had a very big effect
on me, Jo.
As your oldest
and dearest friend,
I am incredibly proud of you.
Oldest and dearest? Ah.
- What, am I not?
- Marcy Simpson.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hannah Williamson, Bridget Fonger.
- Yeah.
- Then maybe you.
Well, as the assistant manager,
and soon to be full manager,
don't go worrying
about the loan right now.
You need to focus those high
beams on the World Championships.
Next two payments in full
in advance.
- So we're caught up?
- Well, no, no.
You're extremely deep in debt.
Look, you win
the World Championships...
- Yeah.
- You collect the 50,000 euros,
and then you parade back into
merry old London Town the hero.
We franchise the Plant-arium.
I'll be your business partner,
of course.
Well, me and the bank.
And then perhaps
we move in together.
- We raise this baby together.
- Baby?
Have you, um, you ever thought
about being a parent?
Look, I'm, I'm tired.
My hands are shaking.
My concentric circles are
completely and totally wonky.
Besides, I've,
I've lost my team.
Oh, teams? Teams come and go.
Just like friendships.
But not this little black duck.
I'm here with you for life.
- Mm. Smells nice.
- Thank God.
Okay. Um, do you mind taking
your hand off my shoulder now?
Collect half of what you need
to compete in Dubrovnik,
and I will double it.
I mean, the bank will double it.
Have I gone up a little bit on your
list of oldest and dearest mates?
- Second.
- Yeah.
- Maybe a close third.
- Yes! Yes!
Come on, go.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Watch it!
Oh, shit.
And that will be
two caramel cocoa,
watermelon cluster Coffuccinos
with extra whipped cream
and one bubble gum Coffuccino
with crushed sour candy apple
sprinkle, thank you.
Welcome to Buckstars.
Are you looking for a coffee?
Jo had lost her team,
and with it, her doojee.
Not even Angelo Moriondo
could help her now.
What? I don't understand!
You got this.
Come on.
Tight as possible.
Come on.
Piece of shit.
Come on!
You're staring at me
with them
beady little fucking eyes!
No! Fuck!
Angelo, I didn't mean it.
I'm so sorry.
Hi, Ray. It's Jo.
I know you don't wanna talk to
me, but please just call me back.
Mom and Dad.
So headstrong.
Vegan cookies.
Vegan whiskey and cookies.
Oh, Daisy.
I'm such a terrible shit.
Daisy, I let them down.
Your brothers and sisters, and
grandfather, and uncle and aunt,
second cousin twice removed.
I let you down. I'm sorry.
Oh, coming.
Oh, hold your horses.
Hans Schlittschuhschlaufen.
Don't be daft. You know it's me.
You've called here 20 times before.
Can you cover your John Thomas?
This is downright pornographic.
I'm extremely busy here, Hans,
so what do you need?
Yeah, well, that was
a long time ago.
The coffee was simple, yet rich.
Sharp and dominant when hot.
Oh, yeah.
Yet tangy and nippy when cool.
La Finca Dos Marias is where
I first fell in love
with becoming a barista.
La Finca Dos Marias.
- Orale, orale.
- Hola.
La Finca Dos Marias?
Is this seat taken?
Oh. Oh. Ooh.
Ah, ah. Okay.
I left London yesterday morning.
Sixteen-hour layover in Houston.
Bargain airline.
Used my friend's credit card
and a bunch
of frequent flyer miles.
Quite a journey.
I've been here before.
- Cigaro?
- Oh, uh, no, thank you.
Asthma, don't smoke.
- Buena?
- Si.
Well, that's, that's what
I'm trying to tell you.
Coffee is the one luxury item
that many human beings,
myself included, agree
that they cannot live without.
There's the thing.
This wonderful contrivance,
consumed daily by the billions,
adds to the problem
of global warming.
Can't, can't live without it,
can't live with it, right?
That's why we need
plant-based milks, Hugo.
Whoa, this is, uh,
this is my stop.
Here's your chicken.
- Adios.
- Bye!
Orale, bye-bye.
La Finca.
Okay. I've, I've never helped in
the birthing of livestock before.
My pet rabbit had babies,
but they, they just pop out.
Do we wear scrubs?
I, I came all the way
from London.
It was a really long trip.
The finca is as beautiful
as I remember.
Help me! Help me!
I count three, okay?
Uno, dos...
Es una nia.
So, who are you?
Josephine Hanson.
- No.
- I interned with you for a year.
There was a German man here
for some of that time.
German man? Yeah.
The German man with, with big
uh, dreams of, of making coffee.
I want to enter the world coffee
championships, and I was hoping to...
You, I don't remember.
Him, I, I remember.
Oh, big, long
name. Schlittschuhlaufen.
You, uh, you remember his name.
- Oh, jah.
- He was here for two weeks.
I was here for an entire year.
- Nothing?
- No.
You taught me
that the best beans
come from plants
at high altitudes,
in Guatemalan volcanic soil
beneath the cap of the clouds
in the heat of the direct
sunlight all day every day.
You would say,
"My beautiful coffee plants.
They find it so, so, so
very hard to survive."
And then you would tell me about
all the male strippers in El Salvador
and how that one gave you a black
eye with his helicopter pork sword.
And they talked
and talked and talked.
Jo spent four days listening
to Isabella's stories,
from her bouts
of yeast infections
to the proper method
of rolling a tamale.
Jo regained something
she had lost,
as well as getting her mitts on
the high-altitude coffee beans
that changed her life.
Well, you see, this,
this one hectare here
is very special.
It is the best of my finca.
Only for my family and,
and people
who remember my stories.
Well, you see, these, these
cherries, they are denser, harder,
much more full of flavor.
They are the very best
of the best of the best.
The best of the best.
The best of the best!
- Yeah.
- The best of the best.
The best of the best.
- This is, this is exactly what I need.
- Ah.
Well, I think you have
a, a bigger problem.
My, my doojee?
How can you tell
from just looking at me?
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
- No, no, no.
- Three.
I think you're going
to need something else.
I think, uh,
you're also going to need this.
This was...
This was my father's
and his father before him.
Great men, great coffee growers.
- It's going to bring you good luck.
- Hm.
Goat milk for the road?
- Oh, I don't do dairy.
- Too bad.
Bye, Isabella.
Roopa, garbage.
You want me
to take the rubbish out?
How could you?
I cannot talk right now.
I'm working.
Working at Buckstars? Really?
Well, they're
socially conscious.
They provide pension plans
for part-time employees,
healthy vegan options, and they're
trying to be ethical and eliminate straws
so that sea turtles don't get them stuck up
their nasal holes. And they're helping shrink
- the GPGP.
- What are you even talking about?
- The Great Pacific Garbage Patch!
- Okay, don't,
don't change the subject, Roopa!
Piss off. I'm busy.
- Hey, Andy.
- If I was expecting visitors, I'd have tidied up.
Oh, really?
No, probably not.
What are you doing here?
Do you mind?
- Can we talk?
- I've got nothing to say.
Take off that apron.
That visor as well.
They'll charge me for it
if I don't return it.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
I see it under
these medical supplies!
Oh, there's a little
tomato sauce on there.
Or blood.
It's probably not blood.
There aren't any more polecats
running around here, are there?
Sheila left me.
She says I have no drive.
But I do have drive.
I've almost got the highest score
on Riviera Racer New Millennium,
42,345,000 and counting.
Some snotty-nosed 12 year-old
from Topeka, Kansas, has got the lead,
and he calls himself
Six more days, he's mine.
How long you been
on this sofa for, mate?
- What's today?
- It's Thursday.
Since last Monday.
Ah. No wonder I got bedsores.
I got one.
- Oh.
- Uh, I don't need your help either.
I'm competing at Worlds.
You come here to take the piss?
No. I, I can't do it
without you.
I'm a man. I'm a working man.
I've got my timetable.
If you're not ready to commit, then
I've got to find someone else who is.
It's as simple as that.
Guatemalan high-altitude,
double-shot, extra hot almond
with a splash of vanilla.
- Macchiato?
- Of course.
Oh, God, I've missed you.
I better go.
The boss will write me up
if he's in a bad mood,
and I'll get the sack.
You really buggered things up,
didn't you?
And to be honest, you made
me reconsider all this vegan thing.
These corporate people are
sticklers for schedules and breaks.
It's all trust
and friendship with us.
I suppose you're offering
my old job back too?
I am.
Can we start making
blended drinks?
Because those cotton candy
coffees are really good,
- and I really like them.
- No.
But I'm getting the team
back together.
Come hear me out tonight
at the Plant, okay?
Oh, God,
it's so great to see you.
- This was a shit idea.
- Wait.
Roopa! Hey, you made it.
Just the two of us?
Obviously, this one didn't have
the nerve to ask Ray to join us.
Good to see you.
- Please come sit at the bar.
- Sure.
Oh, tablecloth. Fancy.
Ooh, candles.
Please cleanse your palates.
Hiya, Team Jo.
I was just finishing up some
reports on account of we are going
to the World Barista
Championships in Dubrovnik.
What the bloody hell
is Stoney doing here?
She goes by Katina now,
and she's a bank manager.
Uh, not quite, but almost.
Well, her bank
is funding the endeavor.
This is the drink
that wins it all.
Most people associate coffee
with breakfast, right?
But suppose
coffee was breakfast.
- Does the apology come before brekkie or after brekkie?
- -Yeah.
The coffee I'll be using today
combines the...
It is night.
I just wanted to point that
to everyone
so that we're all aware.
Which is confusing because
breakfast is usually in the a.m.
I'm backing Andy on this one.
- Is it a morning thing or a night thing?
- Hm.
- Um, I have to say, I'm completely lost.
- Shut up, Stoney.
The coffee I'll be using
the deep rich undertones
of La Finca Dos Marias
with the floral top-notes
of Ethiopia.
A smorgasbord of flavor.
- Smorgasbord?
- I went to one with my mum.
- It had these tiny vegan meatballs.
- Huh.
I would, I would like
to meet your mum.
I pour the shot
over half a teaspoon
of homemade
burned orange maple marmalade
- already in the base of the glass.
- Oh.
- Hm.
- Now, I add a caramelized baked-oat cluster.
Eleven green cardamom seeds
are then crushed
and blended with 200 grams
of whipped cashew milk cream.
Topped with a wafer-thin
bittersweet dark chocolate.
Breakfast is served.
Before you drink, note the aroma
as it moves across
your tongue rhythmically
like a Brazilian carnival troupe of
sweaty half-naked samba dancers.
Now take a small sip.
- You'd really meet my mum?
- Yeah.
Now, be rewarded
with the satisfying crunch
of the oat cluster bathed in
burned orange maple marmalade.
- You know, meeting my mum is a big step.
- Oh.
It's fucking fab.
It's better than that Mary Jane
Mr. Gummer sold us at school.
All joking aside, it would,
it'd really mean a lot to me
if you did meet my mum.
Honestly, one hit, I was on
all fours dishing out blowjobs
to the whole
of the junior rugby team.
Oh, the baby, it kicked.
- Ha.
- One clarification. The half-naked samba dancers.
- Which half of them is naked?
- Top?
See, I was picturing
the bottom half.
Jo, I have but one word for you.
You have rediscovered
your doojee.
Okay, that's five words.
Five-and-a-half if you hyphenate doojee.
- Well...
- Ray?
You got a name for it?
I call it Morning Glory Crunch.
- Ha.
- Sounds like a morning trip to the loo.
- Yeah.
- So what do you guys say?
- Are you with me?
- I am.
Not you, I know you are.
If you're trying to make up
for what you've done,
it's gonna take more than coffee
and granola in a mug.
Yep, toodle-oo. I'm off too.
My shift at Buckstars
starts at 5:00 a.m.,
and you know I need
my eight hours, so...
Wait, guys, wait. Wait!
Ten thousand lattes.
Tons of greenhouse gases
that you personally had a hand
in stopping polluting
the atmosphere with.
And that's just you, Roopa.
Go back to Buckstars,
that all ends.
Some people at Buckstars
drink almond milk
or soy milk or rice milk.
I mean, it's not as common
as cow's milk, but it is changing.
And, Ray, how many tons of beans
have you delivered to the Plant-arium
for the exclusive enjoyment
of socially aware customers?
I lost count.
And, Andy, come on.
How many of those beans
have you roasted?
And how many of my coffees
have you enjoyed
while working
at the Plant-arium?
I like your coffee, Jo.
I really do.
But I've got that snot-nosed wanker
Double Thrust Turbo kid to beat.
These are the sacrifices
that we make.
Thanks to you and you and you,
vegan coffee is winning in
this little corner of the world.
We didn't win.
You tossed in the towel.
There's a bigger mountain
out there to climb,
and I can't climb it alone.
And it's windy.
It's freezing.
And I'm reaching
my hand out to you.
Oh. Oh, not you, Katina.
This is for them.
Oh, I'm pregnant. I just, I
just lose track. Just carry on.
Andy, I'm pulling you
off that sofa.
I'm saving your life
because you saved mine.
Okay, but the sofa and the
video game is pulling me back.
Uh, I feel a metaphor coming.
The World Barista Championship
is the Everest
of coffee excellence,
and there's only one way
to scale it. Together.
So that we don't
lose our balance.
Why don't you tie on to one of those
llamas so you don't go ass over tit?
That makes a great deal
more sense,
because I'm afraid of heights.
I get nauseous.
Oh, this isn't about Everest,
or climbing coffee mountains.
It's about being honest
with your mates.
Are you gonna do this
the right way or not?
- You have my word.
- Which is bankrupt.
And you say you're gonna
meet my mum? She's Jamaican
and practices
an ancient voodoo magic, Obeah.
If you disappoint her, all of the hair
on your scalp will burn and fall off.
And that would not be pretty.
- Buckstars. I haven't had my coffee today.
- Me too.
- Yeah.
- Oh, come on, guys.
The corporatization
of quality coffee.
I mean, I still do have
my 30% company discount.
Oh, well, in that, in that case.
You can really taste
the bubble gum.
I haven't had cotton candy
since I went to the circus
and an elephant rolled
on a juggling clown
and squished his head.
Dad shoved cotton candy
down my throat
to shut me up from crying.
The robust taste
of machine-burned coffee beans
and sickly sweet mocha syrup,
all blended with ice.
All that with 30% discount.
It's financially responsible.
You were kidding, right, when
you said no cow's milk before?
You were kidding?
- No.
- What?
This woman, Jo Hanson,
has filed an emergency
injunction against WBC
stating the mandatory use
of cow's milk is discriminatory.
Hey, discriminatory against who?
Relax, okay?
The judge is an old friend.
He likes coffee,
and he hates the Brits.
- They don't seem happy to see us at all.
- Mm-mm.
Perhaps it's the legal papers
I filed in High Croatian Court.
- Hello.
- Maybe they'll poison us in our sleep.
Hello. Love your country.
Can you believe this?
They show up now?
- Um...
- What just happened?
It's, like, an obvious
breach of the peace.
Like an act
of forcible repossession.
These big dudes are here,
they're taking away
the espresso machine.
Well, well, stop them.
Don't let them take it.
No, that's not gonna happen.
They are very scary
no-neck dudes.
They literally have
no discernable neck.
They said you, like, defaulted
on a loan to the Avante Garden,
- so they're taking it.
- Fuck.
Rudy took the La Marzocco,
and with it,
my ability to provide a place
where the socially conscious
can relate
over a great cup of coffee.
Well, you better bloody
fucking win this thing then.
Well, you better bloody
fucking win this thing then.
Yeah, bloody fucking win.
When the going gets tough,
the tough brew single-origin,
fair-trade beans.
- Yes.
- Yes, that's it, Jo.
Come on!
Your Honor,
this woman has suggested
some sort of discrimination
based on a set of pre-conceived
notions that she has forfeited
by agreeing to participate
in this barista competition,
thereby waving her right
to argue against them.
Did you sign such a document?
I ticked that box. It was part
of the official application.
But you did check it, no?
Do you, Seka,
as the court-appointed lawyer,
disagree with this,
what Mr. Novak
has argued here today?
Uh, well, Your Honor, uh,
it's pretty much
the way she describes it, um,
and we have nothing more to add.
- Then I must rule...
- Wait. I have something to say.
This is about more than
caffeinated brown liquid.
This is about our children
and our grandchildren.
- This is nonsense.
- Go on.
You have my attention,
but keep it short.
I have two divorces
and a bankruptcy after this.
The World Barista Championship
must represent all milks,
including almond and soy,
to the world of coffee.
But why?
Greenhouse gases, to be exact.
Did you know that it takes
1,000 gallons of water
to produce just one gallon
of cow's milk?
Do we not have the duty to make the
world aware, on this international stage,
that other choices of milk
are viable, taste good,
and are healthier
for those who consume them?
You say these other milks
are healthier?
Almond milk, for example,
is cholesterol-free,
saturated fat-free
and promotes a healthy heart.
You and you,
in my chambers right now.
"Nice touch with the Croatian,
but your accent is terrible."
I love rich, creamy latte
in the morning.
But this, I have not had
for a long time
since I'm having
a heart problem.
Quadruple bypass.
You know these things?
I love coffee,
but I cannot spoil it
with milk squeezed from... nuts.
I'm not sure when you last tried
it, but things have really changed.
The nut milk that I use
is soft and creamy.
Like a woman's thighs.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Uh, well, I suppose
that depends on the woman.
Oh, of course.
Depends on the woman.
- Novak, you agree?
- Well, I...
If health and taste
are your issues,
please let me make you a coffee.
- I must protest.
- Enough. Latte, now, you make.
Hurry, hurry.
over there in the corner.
Novak, you are lawyer, sit here.
Seka, you are lawyer, here.
I am the judge.
I will sit in the middle.
He is from Dubrovnik,
sea level, bolder.
- Okay.
- Guatemalan, high mountain.
22 grams exact pull.
I don't want you to go all wonky,
but you remember when I told you
I was using the bank's corporate
credit card to put all the expenses on?
- Yeah, I do.
- I lied.
It's my personal credit card,
and it's maxed out.
And I'm a pregnant woman
experiencing hot flashes
and, and emotional imbalance.
- Okay.
- So, no pressure.
- Good luck.
- Okay.
Come on, Stoney, let's go.
Your Honor, imagine this is
your first visit to my coffeehouse.
This is how we start
our coffee friendship.
The latte, creamy
like a woman's thighs.
The one you've been missing?
- Objection.
- Uh, overruled. Continue.
Thank you.
The coffee, an elegantly
expressive Guatemalan
single-farm La Finca Dos Marias.
Handpicked yellow and red fruit
from above 4,000 feet.
This is the first
specialty coffee
I personally fell in love with
many years ago.
- Yes.
- Ooh.
- Go on.
- Cool.
she's leading the witness.
I'm not the witness.
I am the judge.
Please, to continue.
By using 22 grams in the basket
and getting 36 out,
the tangy strawberry notes play like wanton
river nymphs cavorting in your mouth.
River nymphs. They were in this
Coen Brothers film which I enjoyed.
- Right.
- Yeah, that's O Brother, Where Art Thou?
It's a great movie. It's...
- Sorry.
- With three and a half ounces of total milk volume
and a lower temperature
we create
a dessert-like character
reminiscent of soft,
melting chocolate ice cream.
Your Honor,
renew your love affair
with coffee.
This is ridiculous.
This is not ridiculous.
This is good.
This is almond milk?
Yeah, it is, only the finest.
And where do you get
such almond milk?
- Whole Foods.
- Whole Foods?
Yes. Uh...
I am decided,
from this day forward,
the World Barista Championship
will allow milk beverages of all kinds,
including but not limited
to almond milk.
Let's go.
I have a divorce at one o'clock.
I need lunch. Go, go, go, go.
- Yes!
- Yes, you did it!
- We did it!
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Ciao.
- Ciao.
- Hi, I'm...
- Hi, I am Lisa San Germaine,
and that is Bernie Du Boucher,
and we are welcoming you
to the World Barista
Broadcast live on
the worldwide web, on YouTube,
and also at your nearest petrol
pump for Petrol Station Television.
So, Bernie, tell me,
you excited about today?
- Well, I am...
- Now, he's very excited.
He's always excited, actually,
but he's more excited about today
because the World Barista Championships
is the premiere coffee competition
for coffee creativity
and excellence.
Yes, that is correct.
First up is Kaito Mitsakawa
from Mount Fuji Coffeerama,
Hakusan-dayk, Japan.
- Hakusandake.
- Hakusandake.
- Japan.
- Japan.
- Oh, bugger.
- Oh, God.
The fight against cow's milk
will just have to carry on
without you
now you've lost your
Plant-arium espresso machine.
Oh, but, hey, thanks
for changing the rules.
Oh, well done.
So perfectly
and utterly pointless.
You and him?
- Wow.
- Lovely machine.
No, it's my natural body scent.
This drink from Canada's
Rudy Wintergreen
is so intricate and involved,
it may very well require
a four-part engineering plan
and a degree from MIto complete.
You know, Bernie, I really think
this could be our winner.
- Yes.
- It is a gastronomic extravaganza.
He takes a juiced Granny Smith
apple, reduced and clarified,
to which he adds
whole milk, brown sugar,
xanthin gum
and calcium lactate gluconate,
which has been blended together
and frozen overnight.
He then creates a bath of
sodium alginate and distilled water,
into which he spoons a scoop of
the Granny Smith sugar concoction
where it forms a sphere
onto which he sprinkles
charred, crumbled pecans.
And over this knobbly ball,
he pours
fair-trade Guatemalan coffee.
I present... an espresso
with charred, crunchy pecans,
and a surprise ball
of Granny Smith apple reduction.
And now, we watch
as the judges attempt to consume
what is now really quite
a complex, solid, gooey ball.
It's like trying
to swallow a large, warm,
slippery raw oyster.
All right,
and the British judge,
um, the one
who uses a wheelchair
because he can't use his legs,
but he can use his hands,
he does appear to be having...
Is he... He may be choking.
It's okay.
Swallow. Swallow it up.
I think he is choking, Lisa.
- But he's smiling.
- And gagging.
- Swallow.
- Part of the experience.
He's got it down.
He loves it. He loves it.
Smiles all around.
And I think that is going to be
a very high score
for Rudy Wintergreen of Canada.
I think he just said
"I wanna have sex" in German.
I am all in.
You could be his mum, Lisa.
- That was a bit uncalled for.
- Yes.
That fucking ball bag
stole your drink.
That name though, sex in German,
that's inspired.
How the fuck
did he get my drink?
All right, I was compromised.
- What?
- It was late last night, and I came here to set things up.
Hans and I both discussed
how we liked to work out
and, you know, eat well.
Right, when you're not sitting in your
underwear playing computer games
and eating three-day-old
pepperoni pizza!
He was shocked to hear that me
and my girlfriend had split up, actually.
I cried. And he asked if I like
to make the zoom-zoom
with the boom-boom,
and if I missed it
now that she was gone.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Uh, Jo is a very,
very dear friend.
Wait, so his shirt was off?
When did that even happen?
Just before we started eating the
strawberries and cream. They were delicious.
And we moved on
to other lovely exotic fruits.
I didn't know what they were. I just had
my eyes closed, so he started feeding me.
And I just ate them. I swallowed
every little last drop of them.
They were delicious
and juicy, they were.
One thing
was quite prickly, actually.
And, you know, we started
wrestling, like real men do.
We got hot and sweaty,
so we cooled each other down.
Oh, she calls it
Morning Glory Crunch.
Then I got thirsty.
We drank champagne,
and... one thing led to another.
Oh, come on, Andy! You expect me
to believe that you and Hans got naked,
you made him my specialty drink,
and then the two of you f...?
All right. We had a couple of
beers, and we played table football.
And I must have told him. I'm
sorry, Jo. I don't remember doing it.
- Andy!
- Did nail that name though, didn't he?
- Ow, sorry.
- You're pathetic.
Oh, my God.
- What the hell is that?
- It's a touchstone to my, to my roots.
Yeah, you're gonna wanna
clean your hands after that.
Ah, scheisse.
A costly premature
erroneous milk spurt
coming from the German chap.
Oh, so unfair, that.
I hate it when that happens.
It's just so frustrating.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Our fragile planet.
Roopa, how did you do this?
I prepared, just in case.
Roopa, I'm so impressed.
You may have actually
found your doojee.
Okay. La Finca Dos Marias,
raw sugar, agave, kumquats,
and black currant foam.
60/40 black currant jam
to rose water under pressure.
- But what's it called?
- Night Movement. No.
- No.
- Still sounds like poo.
It does. It sounds like a poo.
- I'll work on the name. Hands in.
- Jo Hansen...
- Roast it!
- Night Movement!
- No, you need to change the name.
- It's just not working.
I am here
to take you on a journey.
A journey to save our
magnificent and fragile planet.
It's quite brave
that she's grappling
with the issue
of global warming.
Perhaps there is something
more important than coffee.
What could possibly be
more important than coffee?
Il espresso. For my signature
drink, I will test your palate
with tender flavor notes
that recall the polar,
temperate and equatorial zones
of the planet
that we must strive
to preserve at all costs.
What do you call it?
I call it Fragrant Relief.
Oh, Jo.
I will finish with a latte.
Simple, clean, and vegan.
The coffees have been made,
the judges have been
ca... ca... caffeinated,
and the scores have been
ca... ca... ca... ca...
- In.
- Ca... ca... calculated.
In sixth place,
Seo-yun Gwok from South Korea!
- Yes!
- Come on up!
Fifth place,
Bart Cooper from Australia!
Fourth place,
Manny Shapiro, Bolivia!
In third place, Hans
Schlittschuhlaufen from Germany!
- Schlittsschuhlaufen!
- Go, Hans!
Now, our winner and runner-up!
Oh, my.
Never before in the history
of the WBC. We have a tie!
Rudy Wintergreen,
come on up here!
Go Rudy!
Jo Hanson, come on up here!
Come on, Jo!
- Yes!
- Both have a perfect score of 825 points,
which means these two
will go into a sudden death.
Take down of lattes!
It's the first ever
tie-breaker for WBC.
- Bernie, what are the rules?
- Three minutes head-to-head,
same machine,
five judges, five lattes.
The only difference tonight
is one is vegan,
the other is rich,
luscious cow's milk.
It really is white-knuckle,
heart-stopping stuff.
It's actually quite
exciting stuff here tonight.
It was do or die for Josephine,
and not even
some half-baked belief
in Angelo Moriondo
could help her now.
- Good luck.
- I don't need luck.
I have full-fat cream,
and you have juiced nuts.
- Latte! Latte!
- Three minutes, one latte.
Contestants, begin.
Today I'll be making you
a cashew milk beverage...
I will be making a milk beverage
single origin,
naturally processed Ethiopian
from a state farm in Guatemala
with flavor notes of chocolate
with tones of caramel
- stone fruit...
- and hazelnut.
And jasmine.
Latte! Latte! Latte!
Quiet, please.
Latte! Latte! Latte!
- Order.
- Cappucinno!
Espresso, Espresso.
Unbelievable. Rudy Wintergreen
has created five gorgeous lattes.
Can Jo Hanson come anywhere
near his caffeine rapture
with a thin, watery nut juice?
Jo has put her cups together like a
Japanese Himitsu Bako puzzle box.
Shout? Shout?
Shave, shave me?
For God's sake, it's "Save Me."
As in save the bloody planet.
The weight of the world
in a cup of coffee.
I agree, it's a hard sell.
Quiet, please.
Haruto Kobayashi, Japan.
One for Wintergreen.
Chuck Jones, USA.
One for Hanson.
Well done, Jo!
Quiet, please.
Ronald Gorelick, Poland.
One for Wintergreen.
Ife Nwachukwu, Ethiopia.
One for Hanson, two apiece.
- Latte! Latte! Latte!
- Quiet, please.
Jorge Smythe-Biggins,
United Kingdom.
Bravo! Bravo!
Three to two.
That makes Jo Hanson
from Plant-arium Coffee Roasters
our winner.
And the first ever
female winner of the WBC.
Apart from the Polish lady.
Apart from the Polish...
Oh, yeah.
Apart from the Polish lady
who won last year.
Coffee pit crew, get up here!
You see all this? It's me.
I'm her financial backer,
uh, soon-to-be
franchise underwriter.
And I'm her third best friend.
But I'm moving up.
Hi, can I have a latte?
The way you make it.
Triple shot, extra hot,
almond, right?
Triple shot latte, please.
With oat milk.
- Is that your trophy?
- Yeah, it is, Dad.
Go on, Raymond.
Tell her your plan.
I've decided to plant
oats and grains.
Oat milk, it's, it's the future.
You need a hand, Ray?
Yeah, sure.
So perhaps when you have
your next cup of joe,
consider having it Jo's way.
The planet and the cows
will thank you.
And by the way,
I'm still not Morgan Freeman.
So it turns out that
pampered cinema industry cat.
No that was me.
It ate those coffee charity...
Was that right? Was that
grew up on coffee. Oh, fuck off.
Sorry, sorry, sorry I'm late.
Fuck, it fell.
Good boy.
This is my dog bark. Ready.
Come by for a cow's milk latte.
- On the house.
- I love your machine.
I love your machine.
You did that in a German accent.
That was kinda cute.
- I know.
- I love the cow's milk cappuccino.
- I know.
- You taste...
I know.
The only nuts I want in my cup
belong to Hans.
It's a joke. It's a joke.
- It's new for this year.
- I'm just going to the, to the, to the toilet, everyone.
- Yes.
- Do you need any help?