Combat Academy (1986) Movie Script
1
COMBAT ACADEMY
Women
Men
- Hey!
- What are you doing?!
Get out of here!
- Get out of here!
- Go! Get out!
Creep!
Women
No one said to sit down, Mr. Mendelsson.
Are you sure?
'Cause I could have sworn...
No, no, I know what it is.
I know what it is.
Last year, you told us to sit down.
Or, uh, take a seat.
Well, you made some kind of
reclining request, so I was just...
Gentlemen, this vacation,
I decided that I desperately
needed to get away
from running this school.
So I gathered my little family, and
we all went down to the Grand Canyon.
And in the midst of all this beauty and
serenity, all I could think about was,
what are those two maniacs going to do to
my school this year?
Oh, gee whiz, Mr. Thompson.
I mean, why are you blaming all this on us?
Don't insult my intelligence.
This morning has your
names written right across it.
I mean, why can't you do something simple?
Like stealing toilet paper from the
faculty lounge, or placing Lindberger
cheese in the stairwells?
No, no, no.
That's too easy for you, isn't it?
No, no. You had to go and fill
up the library with a herd of pigs!
Oh, no, no.
Wait a minute, Mr. Thompson.
I can't believe you
still blame us for that.
Now, if you remember, we were prepared to
present, in our defense, all sorts of very
real-sounding evidence
implicating Mrs. Kushner.
Mrs. Kushner?
The school d-dietician.
That woman should not be
allowed near children's food.
She's a classic wacko.
That's enough, Max.
Did you honestly think that I was going to
let this incident go unpunished?
But it's the first day.
Precisely.
I'm suspending you both for two weeks.
Two weeks?
Now, I want you to fill out
a couple of these forms.
Hi.
M-My name is... P-Perry.
Creep.
What's...
Don't let it get to you, okay?
It's the first one of the day...
No, it's-it's when I stutter the...
All right, well, hey, look, some
women are gonna like that.
You know, think of that.
Perry, look out!
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Are you sure?
I think so.
You okay?
Yeah. I'm okay.
What happened?
It's... It's j-just my p-pants.
It's... It's just his p-pants.
Hey, Chucklehead, you shut your face, okay?
Where'd you learn
how to drive, anyway?
Well, you children shouldn't
be playing in the street.
Children?
Let me clue you in
on something, okay?
We ain't the ones wearing your
Winnie-the-Pooh-back-to-military-school
collection clothing.
Nice.
I'm okay, really.
Kevin, tell him you're sorry.
Oh, no, no.
Don't bother, Kevvy.
Don't bother.
Don't bother.
'Cause sorry don't smoke
the Admiral's pipe, okay?
Sir, will you just let me
take control of this situation?
Return to the truck, Captain.
But I know I could
straighten out this wise guy.
That's an order.
Have a nice life, Kevin.
And while you're at it, buy
yourself a personality.
What the hell's the matter
with you people, huh?
I mean, don't your
little war games up at
your military school
give you enough jollies?
You gotta come into town
and try to run down pedestrians?
We're here for supplies, that's all.
Uh-huh. Not the meeting
of the Hitler Youth, right?
Come on, come on, be nice.
Come on!
So you're really okay, right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Okay, good.
Principal Thompson, Eastfield High.
Dear sir, Perry and I are very sorry
about the situation we've caused.
And as soon as we can figure
out which one of us is responsible
for your daughter's child, we'll
immediately give you a call.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Neo-Greatness.
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.
Max, haven't we gotten into
enough trouble for one day?
Define enough.
Come on, Max.
Can't we just once act like a-adults?
What are you, my mother?
No.
What are you, Peter Pan?
I like the idea of growing up.
It'll look good on a resume.
Perry, come.
Hey, what?
Whoever's in charge here
get over here right now.
Now, we were just sent down from the head
construction office to check up on how you
boys are doing, and it
appears we got a situation here.
'Cause you boys are digging on
the wrong side of the street.
What do you mean?
What do I mean?
What I mean is what side of the street
are you supposed to be digging on?
- West.
- Uh-huh.
And what side of the street
you think you are digging on?
West?
Now, I don't know
about where you're from,
but around these
parts, north, is that way.
Now, where would
that put west, huh, son?
Over there.
Bingo.
Yeah, chief. They're blocking
traffic on both sides of the street.
Alright, just be calm. It's no problem.
Stop! I was, it's just
a joke, I was kidding!
Yes! Digging!
No! No! Kidding! Kidding!
Yes! Digging! Digging!
We hit a water main!
Who's responsible?
He is!
No, he is!
Alright, wise guy.
You have the right to remain silent
and you have the right to an attorney.
If you choose to make a statement...
I never ever want to go to jail again.
Oh, it was horrible. It was horrible.
With these big rats
the size of Aunt Frida.
And they kept trying to carry off Perry.
It was dark and wet, and
there were these fat murderers.
And all I could think of is, if I just get to
go home and see Mom and Dad and my little
non-existent baby
brother, I'll be so happy.
Oh, Mother, I'm scared.
Oh, my God.
Max, we're not buying any of this.
Okay. Well, then, would you buy that
we were just walking...
Max!
Let's go home.
But really, we're just walking down the
street through these guys drilling, okay?
And then suddnely there were cops,
and, then you know, I'm in jail.
I mean, that's my luck all the time.
Oh, by the way, um, I've been
suspended from school again.
I've got a thousand tiny
explosions going on inside me,
and kid, and your name is
on every single one of them.
Daddy-
You're the only person in the entire
family who's ever spent a second in jail.
Dad.
You'll be the only kid in
your high school yearbook
whose picture has both
a front and a side view.
Let's take the stairs!
So, we dumped 800 pounds of jello
into the school swimming pool, and, uh,
by night, it should be
ready to eat, you know?
Hey, Dad.
Banana peel.
Watch out, you know you've
got your back problem, you know?
Well, let's see what
we've got for breakfast.
Oh, we've got Mr. Happy Meal.
Look at this.
Let's put a little toupee on him there.
Max!
Stop it, Max!
Thank you. I'm good.
You're good.
I never had the guts to do
these things when I was your age.
Why do you keep encouraging him?
Marty's only letting off a little steam.
It's healthy.
Digging up a public street is healthy?
Beverly, he didn't dig it up.
How do we punish you, Max, huh?
I mean, what do we
do to you so it sinks in?
I don't know, Ma.
Look, if you're looking for
suggestions, better ask Dad.
Max, I'm your father.
What you do kills me,
but you just can't get
away with these
things in the real world.
Look, Dad, I know I'm the cause
of your prostate trouble, okay?
And yours too, Mom.
But-
But I'm a kid.
It's a phase.
Be patient.
I love the way you think.
Look, I know I'm a
problem child, okay?
So if you want to keep
telling the neighbors that
I got a brain aneurysm
or something, I'll play along.
Yeah, right.
Son of a gun.
That's great.
Terrific.
Mr. Mendelsson, Mr. Barnett, we
have a complicated matter here.
According to the laws of this
state, impersonating construction
workers has not yet been
labeled a criminal offense.
However, in addition to that, I have in
front of me a report from your high school
listing 238 separate disruptions
over the last three years.
Your Honor, Your Honor, that
is clearly an exaggeration, okay?
I mean, I think we're talking
about maybe 235, 236 max.
Your kid has turned my
kid into a complete idiot.
Your kid was an
idiot when he started.
This kind of behavior cannot go without
some type of retribution, Mr. Mendelsson.
Okay, tell you what.
How about if we solemnly swear
to be the bestest boys that
we could ever possibly be?
No.
I don't think that
would be sufficient.
I can understand why you and Beverly
stopped having children after Max.
At least we knew when to quit.
You're still cranking 'em out.
Last week, the state agreed to fund a test
program for those young men and women
who are right on the verge of
becoming full disciplinary problems.
I think you two fall
into that category.
And so I am sentencing you, Maxwell
Mendelsson, and you, Percival Barnett,
to the full school year at the
Kirkland Military Academy.
What, you're serious?
No, Your Honor, Your
Honor, there's a mistake here.
We can't go to
military school, okay?
We can't go to combat high.
Can't go.
- That's it.
- No, no.
No, no, it's not it.
Because I'd like to stay alive, so
it's not it as far as I'm concerned.
I'm just not going.
Mom?
Right.
Dad?
Dad?
Yeah.
Max?
Got enough money?
Um, could you
give me another 10?
And, in fact, can you make it 20? 'Cause...
Actually, can you do 50?
Because Perry's dad didn't
want to give him a cent.
Actually, can you make it 100?
Because I'm going to
need to bribe someone.
Here you go, buddy.
Thanks, Mr. Mendelsson.
My... dad didn't even
want to drive me up here.
I'm gonna miss you, Max.
Me too.
Hey, hey, you know, it's not too late
for you to try to get us out of this thing.
Hey, Mom.
Ma, look, I'm gonna appeal
to you as a mother, okay?
You really want to see your
little baby go off to war?
Yes, I do.
Thank you.
Take care, Max.
Thank you very much.
Good luck, Perry.
Thanks for the loan.
- I'll get it back to you.
- Forget it.
Well, this just makes me
proud to be an American.
Bye, Dad.
Bye, Nancy.
Everybody, it's party time!
If he lasts here more than
a week, it'll be a miracle.
All right, Larry, what
do you got for me now?
Here is a list, Ed, of everything
that was reported stolen so far.
Whoever this cadet is, he moves around
like a monkey on a barbed-wired fence.
That's disgusting as
well as humiliating.
Right.
In Da Nang, if I caught one of our guys
stealing so much as a bootlace off a dead
Charlie, that soldier would
have wished he'd have been shot.
Well, you know, I'll do my level
best to raise a breeze over this, Ed.
Yeah, stay on it, Larry.
Stand on it, because they're
gonna be coming soon.
And they're gonna
send us their very best.
That's what we're
going to be up against.
I want this thievery to stop
now, pronto, if not sooner.
Yes.
Mendelsson and Barnett
are here, General Woods.
Should I send them in now,
or do you want them to wait?
Send them in.
Cadets will come to attention in
the presence of a superior officer.
What?
You are cadets.
Barnett and
Mendelsson, are you not?
We're cadets.
We're cadets.
That's like a step up
from Mouseketeer.
Let's get one thing
perfectly clear.
I will not tolerate any form of
insubordination in my school.
Is that perfectly clear?
Well, like, could you
define insubordination?
Is that clear?
Yeah.
Yes.
What?
Yes, it's clear.
It's crystal clear.
It's transparently...
Yes.
Sir.
Thank you.
Yes, sir.
It's crystal clear.
It's transparently clear.
You will speak when spoken to and
then only in response to a direct question.
Is that clear?
- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.
Good.
Now, boys.
I want you to know that
my parents placed me
in this academy when
I was about your age.
And it was hard.
Very hard for me, but I went
on to a career in the military
and I served our country
in combat all over the world.
It takes time.
But you can adjust.
Excuse me, General Woods?
Yes.
Sergeant Pritchett
has arrived, sir.
Send the sergeant in.
Cadet Sergeant
Pritchett reporting, sir.
This is Sergeant Pritchett.
She will accompany you
on the rest of your orientation.
Uh, sir, how many people
have you offed with this thing?
Penalties for accumulation
of demerits are as follows.
Deprivation of all privileges, confinement
to quarters, and confinement to campus.
You got it?
Yo, sir.
Come on, Barnett.
Get your rear in gear.
Hey, Sergeant.
Let me ask you a question.
How are you gonna make us do any of
this military junk if we don't want to?
Mendelsson, if you don't obey, I
will personally disable you for life.
You're gonna disable me, huh?
I'll hit you so hard,
you'll be wiping up
your vital organs off
of this cracked cement.
Does that register with you?
You're very persuasive for your size.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Move it.
Come in.
Sergeant Pritchett reporting
with Private Mendelsson, sir!
At ease, Sergeant.
Okay, let's see
what you brought me.
Attention!
I don't believe it.
You two know each other?
Oh, we've minced words.
You will speak when spoken to, Private,
and you will salute a superior officer.
That sounds very familiar.
Does everybody around
here talk like this?
Sergeant Pritchett, for every five seconds
Private Mendelsson does not salute,
you will add five
demerits to his sentence.
When you reach a hundred,
you'll start tacking on ten.
Begin now.
Five demerits.
Ten.
Okay. Fine.
You want me to salute you?
All right.
But first, you salute this.
What is it?
Sergeant Pritchett, reporting
with Cadet Barnett, sir.
At ease, Sergeant.
There is a god.
Cut it out.
This is gonna be a g-g-g-g-good year.
Huh, Barnett? Huh?
Hey!
Hey, you two, keep it up.
Keep moving.
Quit laughing.
Okay, this is your squad.
Oh man, will you get a
load of these pieces of work?
Nature can be very cruel.
Mendelsson, can it.
Cadets, fall back!
You two fit right in there.
Well, not really, but...
Hi, sailor.
Attention!
Right face!
Left step, forward!
Excuse me.
Mendelsson.
Up. Now.
I said now.
Ten-hut!
Present arms!
Order arms!
Merciful Lord, we thank you for
the food we are about to consume.
Um, boys, does that
work with all food
or just the stuff that stays
on the fork real easy?
Regulations state everything
be eaten by the square.
By the square?
Really, 'cause I would
think that a pentagon
motion would be
more politically correct.
No laughing, Barnett.
Mendelsson, let's go.
Get up and get dressed.
Come on.
- What time is it, man?
- That means you, Private.
Mendelsson, according to regulations,
all cadets must wear pajamas to sleep.
Where are yours?
Well, this private prefers to
sleep in his privates, Major.
From this moment
on, you are Feebs.
Nothing.
Zero.
You are the lowest
form of life there is.
You will learn to fear
us, you will see us in your
worst nightmares, and
you will wake up screaming.
Well, pardon me, boys,
but if I am gonna wake up
screaming, I'm gonna
need plenty of extra sleep.
Mendelsson!
Hey! Hey!
Hi, boys.
All right.
Now, since this is the first
night of many we'll be
spending together, let's start
out with something simple.
Feebs will drop and
give me 100 push-ups.
And Mendelsson, I
want 200 from you.
Let's go! Move it!
That's right. Get down!
Move it!
Get down!
Hey!
Stop! You're hurting him!
Shut up, Feeb!
Perry, it's okay.
Now, count 'em out.
Count 'em out.
One.
That's right.
Thirty.
Sixty.
Ninety.
Hey, Candy, I hope you're getting off on
this, 'cause I'm having a really good time.
I'm gonna break
you this time, all right?
'Cause I'm getting
real sick of you.
Do you hear me?
Mm-hmm.
All right.
Count 'em out.
And a-one.
- And a-two.
- Yeah.
- And a-three.
And a-four.
That's right.
You're my best cadet, Major.
The best of the best.
Do you understand the nature of
your responsibility in this situation?
Yes, sir.
Good.
Because this is the most important
command that you may ever be given.
I'm putting all of
my faith in you.
I won't let you down, sir.
If only your mother could have seen
what a fine soldier you've grown into.
She would be very, very proud.
Sleeves rolled up?
That's ten demerits.
Oh, and collar unbuttoned, huh?
That's another ten demerits.
What's that?
Where's the pin?
Twenty-five demerits.
Well, Kev, can I
ask you something?
How many demerits is it for
not wearing any underwear?
Max Mendelsson?
Yeah?
Hunter Davies, I'm
here to help you.
Uh-huh.
Uh, I don't need any help.
How about a watch?
You wanna buy a watch?
$10.95, plus three
hundred percent sales tax.
That's all right.
I don't plan to be here
long enough to tell time.
I'm getting out of Dodge, and I'm
taking the marshal here with me.
Ten, hut!
Present arms!
Order arms!
Stand at ease.
As you know, for the
last several years, this
academy has been ranked
number one in the nation.
As a result, this year, a great honor
has been bestowed upon Kirkland.
We have been asked by the State Department
to participate in a nationwide tour
that is being given for a
group of Russian cadets.
During their stay here, they
will face us in a mock war game.
Now there's not much time left to
prepare for this endeavor, nevertheless.
We will be ready...
...and we shall prevail.
Kirkland!
Kirkland!
Kirkland!
Kirkland!
Kirkland!
Kirkland!
Kirkland!
Kirkland!
Kirkland!
Perry, this place is a loony bin.
Yeah, just promise me one thing.
If we get kicked out of here, let's
not get kicked into some place w-worse.
There is no place worse.
This is hell.
All right.
The object of this
game is to use military
tactics to capture the
opposing team's flag.
Now, in this exercise, we'll be using
paint pellet guns representing the orange
and the yellow teams.
If you are hit, you are considered
dead and out of the game.
All right, let's move out.
Move out.
Go.
Stay low.
Keep looking out
around you, okay?
Be sure you stay
low in position.
Look!
It's Johnny Reb!
Mendelsson, Barnett!
What are you two doing?
Get back here!
It's a civil war all over again.
We're going to
emancipate the thieves.
Look, here's one of
those poor fellers now.
Go, my child!
You are free!
Keep your hands off me!
And when Johnny comes
marching home again, hurrah, hurrah!
You're dead!
When Johnny comes marching
home again, hurrah, hurrah!
Will you two dicks get
back into position now?
Incoming!
Oh, oh, oh.
Hold still.
It's all over now.
That's right.
You got down.
Come on!
Move, move, move!
Come on, come on, come on!
Get down!
Fire!
Come on, man!
Keep firing, guys!
Cross aim!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
You'll never take
me alive, Coppers!
I'm on top of the world, Ma!
Mendelsson, you're dead!
Just a flesh wound!
There are no flesh wounds!
You're a dead man!
Company, fall back!
Oh, yeah?
Can a dead man do this?
Barnett!
- Let's go! Let's go!
- All right!
I got the other side!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Move, move, move! Go, go!
Yeah!
Come on, come on, come on!
Go, go, go, come on!
Are you okay?
I don't know. I heard
something snap.
All right, die, Barnett.
I said die.
Kevin, she's really hurt.
We gotta help her.
Hey, you are given
a direct order now.
Comply!
Forget you!
Hey, man, get off of his back.
Just stay out of
this, Mendelsson.
Hey, I'm in it!
Yeah, you sure are, all right?
Up to your butt!
All right, that'll
be 50 demerits.
Hey, great, another 50,
I get the toaster oven.
Come on! Get down!
Give me 50!
Get down, Mendelsson!
Move it!
Come on!
Here we go again!
- Come on!
- One.
- Five.
- That's right.
- Twelve, thirty-four.
- Come on.
The foot isn't helping me.
Get you to the nurse.
Hey, boys, does this mean
that we're going steady now?
We are Alpha!
And we like to party!
And we like to party!
Party!
Party!
You're still here?
Yeah.
Uh, it's just a bad sprain.
Nothing major.
Good.
Good.
- Well...
- Thank you for being so sweet.
I really hate to ask this, but would you
mind carrying my rifle, just to the dorm?
No.
Sure.
You don't say very much, do you?
No.
Yes.
I...
I...
St-stutter a lot.
When I'm...
With... New people.
Oh.
You can't really tell.
People...
Tend to feel s-sorry for me.
I don't n-need that.
You think I feel sorry for you?
Is that why I let you pick me up and
carry me all the way to the infirmary?
Dumb, right?
What you did in some countries
would be grounds for getting married.
W-which countries?
Open your books to page 137...
Today's lesson will begin with an
oral examination of the elements.
Your symbols.
Your atomic numbers.
I smell bacon.
Does anybody here smell bacon?
I love bacon.
And I love a hard mattress.
We're gonna
have a movie today.
Hydrogen.
Number one.
Lithium.
Number three.
Beryllium.
Which is my wife's
name, by the way.
Number four.
Sodium.
Na, 11.
Am I missing anything?
No, but he is.
Scandium.
You bet you that's a good one.
That's 21.
So what happened to you?
I was w-walking
Mary-B-Beth back to the dorm.
Mary-Beth?
Oh, she's...
Phenomenal.
Define phenomenal.
I can't.
S-she's just, she's cute and sweet and...
But not like...
Beautiful.
She's got this real
down-to-earth look about her.
And she's got great ears.
Wait a minute.
Are you trying to tell me
that, uh... You're in love?
I...
Don't know.
Well, it's gotta be
something 'cause that's,
that's the first time I've ever seen you
smile where I actually saw all your teeth.
Beryllium.
Sodium.
Magnesium.
Potassium.
Calcium.
Scandium.
Potanium.
Repidium.
Strathium.
And that's what we
call doing the bop.
But look.
I mean, I think it's become real clear
that this place is fatal to our life forms.
You know, I think it's time
to put into effect operation
"Let's get the hell outta here."
You...
Got a plan?
What?
You forgot who
you're talking to?
I got a million.
We're gonna drive
Woods out of this galaxy.
Nitrogen.
Seth, who is coughing?
Raise your hand.
Why I oughta...
Never cough during the elements.
Aah!
Watch out!
You might get what you're after
Cool, babies
Strange but not a stranger
I'm an ordinary guy
Burning down the house!
Hold tight
Wait till the party's over
Hold tight
We're in for nasty weather
There has got to be a way
Burning down the house!
Here's your ticket; pack your bag
It's time for jumping overboard
The transportation is here
Close enough but not too far
Maybe you know where you are
Fighting fire with fire
Aah!
All wet
Here, you might need a raincoat
Shake-down
Dreams walking in broad daylight
Three hundred sixty-five degrees
Burning down the house!
Aah!
It was once upon a place
Sometimes I listen to myself
Gonna come in first place
People on their way to work say
"Baby, what did you expect?"
Gonna burst into flame!
Aah!
Burning down the house!
My house
Is out of the ordinary
That's right
Don't wanna hurt nobody
Some things sure can
sweep me off my feet
Burning down the house!
I just wanted you both to know that
your parents have been notified and their
insurance companies will be held responsible
for all the damage to the mess hall.
Okay.
So when do we leave?
You don't.
The people who sent you here won't allow me
to throw you out under any circumstances.
Eddie.
Edward.
Ted.
- Max.
- Look.
Max.
Give me that.
Don't you understand?
This...
doesn't do any good.
Okay.
Then I'll put it another way.
Unless you throw us out of here
right now, you're gonna regret it.
And not just in this life, but when you die
and you're reincarnated, in that life too.
Listen!
You little weasel!
You are never...
ever getting out of here!
So!
If you pull one more of your little
pranks, you are gonna regret it not only
in this life, but even if you
chicken out and die on me!
Am I getting through?
You gather my meaning!
No.
But if you had one,
I'm sure I would.
I hope...
the two of you like running
because you're gonna do a lot of it.
Now get out.
Both of you, get out.
He thinks he can't
kick us out of here.
He doesn't know us.
We've been kicked out
of worse places than this.
We're not gonna
take this like men.
Max, stop.
Stop what?
We're here.
We might as well
m-make the best of things.
Perry, in case you didn't
notice, this is military school.
We don't wanna be here.
But we have to be, Max.
Hey, I don't have
to do anything.
Fine.
I d-do.
And I've decided that it's m-much
easier just to play it straight, okay?
Man, what is the
matter with you today?
I mean, you wanna be like them?
Or you wanna be like us?
You mean like you, Max.
Do I wanna be like you?
You know...
Sometimes...
You can just be so
o-obnoxious and self-centered.
Hey, hey, what is this?
The new Barnett vocabulary?
Where are you picking this up?
Mary-Beth?
M-Mary-Beth has
n-nothing to do with this.
Oh, great.
Now it's Porky Pig time.
You know, you haven't stuttered this
badly with me since we were little kids.
You know, you... Now
you sound like just...
W-Wounded animal.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm trying my best not to
sound like a wounded human.
Don't you get it?
What?
Get what, Perry?
Even w-when we were little kids.
I always listen to t-the stupid
things y-you came up with.
I'm s-still listening to them.
Hey, I would be happy to listen to your
stupid ideas if you ever came up with any.
Really?
Yeah, really.
What ab-bout this?
From now on, just do me a
favor and s-stay away from me!
Okay, Perry.
You were right.
I was wrong.
I mean, you can come
up with good ideas.
Good for you.
We'll sing a toast to KMS
- Her honor well uphold
- I can't hear you, Johnson.
The fellowship that we enjoy
We value more than gold
The love we hold for KMS
In words can ne'er be told
So let's honor Kirkland now
The yellow, black and gold
We'll sing a toast to KMS
Her honor well uphold
Okay! Come on, let's go!
Take off!
That's right, keep it straight!
Faster!
Come on!
Go Mendelsson!
Please do not make me do this,
I cannot swim.
Get in the pool!
I will sink to the
bottom, I will not sink up!
I said get in the pool!
Help, I'm drowning!
It's okay, hey, hey, you're
good. You're good. Doing good.
It's alright, it's okay, buddy. It's okay.
That's another 50 demerits, private.
What kind of knobhead pushes a guy
who can't swim in a pool?
I said leave him alone and get back to the
exercise, Mendelsson, that's an order.
Ooh, direct hit!
Well, Major, it appears as if
you've had a minor accident.
Sir, let me give you a
little assistance.
I don't need any help, Kevin!
Get out of the pool, Private.
Well, Biffy, why don't you come on in?
I mean, I think you'll be right
at home in the shallow end.
I'm running out of patience
with you, Mendelsson.
Hey, Biff, what you're waiting
for, for me to straighten out?
It's never gonna happen, 'cause
I'm just an undisciplined kind of guy.
Get out of the pool,
Private, that's a direct order.
No way!
Got it?
Major, if you don't do
something about this, I'll have to.
Tomorrow, Mendelsson,
0600 hours on the parade field.
We'll settle this once and for all.
Class is dismissed!
Let's go, come on, move it out!
On the double!
All of you, let's go!
You know, you're never
gonna get any sound out of it
blowing in this end.
Mendelsson,
what are you doing here?
Well, I was hoping to
get a look in this cannon,
but, seems like I'm gonna
have to wait in line, huh?
I heard you picked a fight with Biff at
the pool today. Are you out of your mind?
Well, I thought the
answer to that was obvious.
I don't get you, Mendelsson.
I mean, you're obviously a bright guy. You
could do very well at this academy.
Well, has it ever occurred to you that I
might not want to do well at this academy?
I mean, why are you so
thrilled about this place?
Oh, my parents are both in the military.
They expect me to
follow in their footsteps.
See, that would be kind of hard for me.
Because my dad's a podiatrist.
So, I'm supposed to follow
in other people's footsteps.
Uh...
I'm curious about something.
Why are you out here by yourself?
I like to come here to think.
Think.
Yeah, well, good place, quiet
You got this, uh, big
gun here to protect you.
What's on your mind?
None of your business.
Hmm.
Could he be about six feet tall?
Blonde hair, blue eyes, and a
haircut you could land a helicopter on?
No, I'm not thinking about him.
Ah, so you are thinking about him.
Why do you
let Kevin torture you?
The guy's a warmonger.
I don't know what
it is I like about him.
He's handsome.
He's disciplined.
He's a perfect
fighting machine.
Yeah, but...
How does he stack up with
the rest of the male species?
You know, animals included.
I don't know.
Well...
How does he compare with
other guys you've been out with?
I've never been on a date
with anyone before.
Hey...
Hey...
That's nothing to be
ashamed of, okay?
I wouldn't even know what
to do on a date if I had one.
Well...
Floor resurfacing is definitely
out, I know that much.
I'm sorry.
This conversation is now over.
- Can I say one more thing?
- No!
Andrea, you're barking up
the wrong tree with Kevin.
The guy is just gonna hurt you.
Good night, Mendelsson
Hey! Alright, Biff!
Are you gonna stop it?
Nope. Mr. Mendelsson needs a
lesson he can't learn in class.
- There he is!
- Yeah, alright, Mendelsson!
Yo! Biff!
You're the disease,
and I'm the cure.
Come on!
Come on, Biff!
Come on, Biff!
Hit this!
Okay, it's foot boxing gone wrong!
Come on, come on! Hit my shoe, I dare you!
Come on, suck my heel you big guy!
Come on! You can do it man, come on!
Don't let it scare ya!
Just hit him!
Hit him.
Hit. Him.
For God's sake, what the
hell is going on out there?
What are you waiting for?
Let's breakdance!
What's he doing?
Get him!
Shut up, Kevin.
What did you say?
- Nothing.
- What'd you say?
Nothing.
Ed, we should be down there putting
an end to this. Not encouraging it.
It's an exercise in discipline, make
'em strong.
For the Russians.
This Russian business, you're
pushing these boys too hard.
I'm gonna stop it.
You stay right where you are.
So, Biff, has this been
embarrassing enough or what?
Wanna shake hands?
We'll get a beer, come on.
Make him bleed!
Make 'em bleed!
Finish him off now, Biff!
Finish him off now, man!
Do it again, man!
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
You just had him!
It's embarassing!
Finish him off, man!
- Get back in there!
- Mendelsson, will you get up?
What are you doing?
You're pathetic!
- Yeah!
- Boo!
You scared, Biff?
- That's pitiful.
- Alright, that's it, break it up.
On the double.
- Come on, Sergeant.
- That was the worst excuse for a fight
I think I've ever seen.
Are you kidding me? I'd like to fight 'em.
Max, are you okay?
Yeah, Per. I'm great. Just great.
Private Getz, clean this
room, looks like a pigsty!
Come on, get ready for inspection!
Dust, dirty floor. Nice room, cadet.
Come on, let's move it!
Let's go, inspection in five minutes!
Russian cadets will be here tomorrow!
Let's show those boys why
they came to Kirkland, huh?
Where's my hat?
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Major Woods, ready for inspection.
I want you to clean the whole room.
Start with my side.
Flight 182 from New York
is now arriving at gate 38.
Thank you for flying Eastern.
Hi.
Hello.
Hello.
- Hello.
- How are you?
Who are you?
We are from the Soviet Union.
Oh, I thought you'd be shorter.
Who are the short people?
The Italians?
Will you be my friend?
I like your hat.
An absolute idiot.
You can have mine. Good.
In Soviet Union, the cadets do
not feel the pressures of being soldiers.
So that's why the Soviet army is
unquestionably superior to yours.
Could somebody
pass me the bread?
Yeah, Max.
Would you like some
butter, some cheese?
I could go to the kitchen
and get you some jelly.
Hey there, hello, there. Hi.
The bread's fine.
No, Max, you saved my life.
You saved me from drowning.
In my country, I am in your debt forever,
as is my little brother if you want him.
And believe me, you don't.
Why don't we make a deal here?
Rent out Jai for parties.
Split the profits.
Hey, that's not bad.
No, no. And you know who we
can invite to the party, right?
Is the wacky Russian boys.
No, really.
Hey, these are party animals.
No, trust me.
These are quasi-fun fellas.
I mean, look at the guy
on the end with the icicles.
He just got back from Siberia.
He looks like he enjoys
turning in his welder.
Mary-Beth.
Mary-Beth, wait up.
Look, what's different
about this picture?
- I don't know.
- This.
I'm a corporal now.
Oh.
Nice.
You don't sound too excited.
Mary-Beth, at the
d-dance Friday night,
you're gonna be walking
arm-in-arm with a corporal.
Perry.
I can't go to the
dance with you.
What?
I...
I have a boyfriend back home.
We've been going
together for a couple years.
He knew about the dance.
How could I say no?
You lied to me.
But I did it because I
knew this would happen.
No.
Because you felt sorry for me.
I t-told you I don't need that.
Motor pool duty?
Yeah, well, you know me.
I'm a good example
of a bad example.
What's your excuse?
I've... volunteered.
Very nice.
Oh, Perry.
Oh, Perry.
You tell me that this little
decoration isn't what I think it is.
I'm a... corporal now.
That's why they sent me here.
For corporal punishment.
I'm sorry, my disgust has
reduced me to embarrassing puns.
Max, look.
I'm... sorry about everything.
If it makes you feel any better,
M-Mary-Beth and I are history.
That's why you're talking to me.
You screwed up with her, so you
wanna be friends with me again.
Hey, I said I'm sorry.
You think I know
w-what I'm saying?
I just w-want to get through this.
Perry, you ain't the same guy
you packed up in your suitcase.
Come on, Barnett.
Got another job for you.
The battlefield needs
painting for Sunday's game.
Ready, sir.
Wait, wait, wait.
One minute, corporal.
I want you to order Mendelsson
here to drop and give you 20.
What?
You heard me.
Come on, give 'em the order.
- But, sir, I don't...
- Come on, do it!
And have 'em count
'em out for you, too.
Speak it out, corporal.
Private M-M-
M-Mendelsson,
drop and give me 10.
No, no, no.
I said 20.
Drop and give me 20.
One, corporal.
Two, corporal.
Three, corporal.
Four, corporal.
Five, corporal.
Six, corporal.
Seven, corporal.
Hey, Major. I brought you those three
pairs of blue jeans you wanted.
Plus, the videocassette
tapes of the Bill Cosby Show.
I love Bill Cosby.
- Kills me.
- $150.
Iris. Glen.
And after tomorrow, back to
Leningrad in body bags. You got that?
Yes, sir.
Hi, Dad.
Son!
Come here.
Dad, I am here.
That's right, you are here.
Larry, I'd like you to
meet my son, Felix Jr.
Hello, Larry.
Hello, young Felix.
Excuse me, I'm just
studying the resemblance.
You know, your son
looks nothing like you.
You're right.
How do you suppose
that happened?
He finds your school well run, but
not good enough to beat us on Sunday.
I think our cadets may
surprise you, General.
He says that you
may be surprised.
No way.
Our cadets are stronger,
much smarter, stronger soldiers.
There is no way they can lose.
No way.
Swaying room as the music starts
Strangers making the most of the dark
Two by two their bodies become one
I see you through the smoky air
Can't you feel the weight of my stare?
You're so close, but still a world away
What I'm dying to say
Whoo!
Who is this, huh?
Any wisecracks, Mendelsson,
and you're prairie oysters.
Did I say anything?
No, but I could hear it coming.
You look great.
You really do.
Well, you put the "et" in cadet.
And you put the "cad" in cadet.
Thank you very much.
Look, uh... If your dance
card isn't totally full...
I'd be very honored if you trip
over the light fantastic with me.
Uh-uh.
Thank you, but no.
Oh, come on.
Will you forget about Kevin?
I mean, his arm has been
surgically attached to his date.
Well, then I'll
ask him to dance.
No, you won't.
Tonight, you are a lady.
You're gonna act like one.
Now.
Can I have that dance?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Dad, I think it's time we
take our medication now.
You're right.
Little Fel and I always take
all our medication together.
Such a father and
son thing to do.
If you read my mind, you'll see
I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
God, I hate these socials.
Everybody's looking at us.
Who would look at us?
We don't know how to dance.
You're the craziest
person I've ever met.
I mean that.
You talk tough.
You act tough.
I don't know.
Maybe you even are tough.
But somehow, somebody, somewhere...
Pieced all these terrific things...
...in this teeny little person.
I'm crazy for you
Does this kiss mean anything?
Well, I don't know about you, but...
I plan to run home and put my lips
between the pages of my scrapbook.
My watch is gone.
Did he take it from you?
Uh, Andy. Look.
I know this is real bad timing, but
can you just... Wait here for a minute.
It's okay.
I'll be right back. Alright?
- Okay.
- Alright?
Biff, I think you
oughta put that back.
I thought I straightened
you out, Mendelsson.
Hey, come on, man. I saw
you lift it off the Russian.
Are you accusing me of stealing?
Absolutely.
Then it's your
duty to report me.
You want me to report
you to your father?
That's right.
You know, Biff, I always
thought this about you
but I wasn't absolutely
sure until just now.
You've got a commemorative
plate in your head, don't you?
Come on, give me the watch.
No, give me that!
Don't be an idiot, man!
This is my watch!
Major...
This officer has suggested
that you've stolen his watch.
Is that true?
Is that true?
It is his watch, sir.
But, sir, I have a
confession to make.
I am the thief.
I took the watch.
Well, you did it.
You're outta here.
I don't care about state
support or the money.
It's not worth it.
Let's see how the inside
of a prison suits you.
General.
Major.
I don't know why you're doing
this, Max, but it's not right.
What is going on
between you two?
I'm the thief, Dad, not Max.
Everything that's
been stolen, it's all me.
That's impossible. You're
the ranking student officer.
Oh, so that means I can't steal?
Dad, you think I'm
the perfect soldier.
I'm not.
All of it.
And I lied.
I disgraced the honor of
your precious academy.
Why, Major?
Why would you do this?
What's my name?
What?
What is my name?
Come on, Dad, you
remember, you gave it to me.
- What is wrong...?
- What's my name?
Biff.
That's right.
You know how long I wanted you
to call me something besides Major?
Well, why would you
disappoint me this way?
Oh, you want to know something?
Disappointing you
makes me feel great.
I have no choice, but...
to relieve you of
rank and all duties.
Including your command of...
your company and
tomorrow's war game.
Is that all?
Why couldn't...
being my father...
be more important than
being my commanding officer?
Hey there.
I bet I know who
you're trying to kill.
I'm not in the mood
for you, Mendelsson.
Hey.
Anybody ever really in the
mood for a Mendelsson?
I miss my mom.
I don't...
I do miss my dad, though.
When I was a kid, he was...
always doing stuff
to get me to laugh.
I think that's why I do a
lot of the stuff that I do now.
Because I know when he
hears about it, he's gonna laugh.
So?
So I think he wishes
he was more like me.
You know?
I, I get the feeling
he used to be.
And I think that I'm all he's
got left to remind him of that.
See, I, I feel like I owe the
guy something, you know?
Yeah, well see, I don't
owe my dad anything, right?
Because I'm not his
son, I'm his soldier.
Hey, Biff.
I'm not trying to
defend your father.
Okay?
But he's your father.
This is never gonna
happen to me again.
I promise you that.
So you'll both end
up real losers, huh?
Real nice.
Real nice.
Here are the extra
goggles you needed.
Thanks.
- Perry.
- What?
What are you doing?
I want you to listen
to what I have to say.
M-Mary-Beth, I have to...
finish this requisition.
Listen to me.
I told Arlen at the dance I
didn't want to see him anymore.
It was a mistake.
That's good.
I told him we were going out.
Mm-hmm.
You are making this so hard.
I'm m-making this hard on you?
I was the one who had to d-dance
last night all by myself.
When you left the
dance, it hurt me.
I knew that I didn't
want to be with Arlen.
I wanted to be with you.
Why didn't you come after me?
I...
I should've.
Let me tell you something.
I'm tired of being the
heavy around here.
I keep doing everything to everybody and
they end up getting hurt and I get hurt.
So that's it.
I mean, I can take care
of myself without any help.
Say that again.
What?
What you just said.
Say it again.
Why?
Listen to yourself.
You're not stuttering.
I'm... I'm not.
There wasn't a stutter.
I guess I'm just mad.
Perry.
Do you really want to
have this fight with me?
No.
I...
wouldn't mind kissing you.
My lips are yours.
I fell on a sword.
Hey, how you doing?
Like I care.
Hey, great uniform.
You know, you guys
really know how to dress.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take it easy, take it easy.
I just want to know, can
Ivan come out and play?
'Cause we're having this game of
red light, green light and we need a red.
Okay.
Well, look, maybe we'll
make merry some other time.
Hey, boys.
Hang in there.
That's right.
Shut your doors.
Don't want to talk to old Biff.
He's a thief.
He's got no honor.
I said shut your doors!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey.
You made your money here.
Come here.
Come here, come here, Biff.
Come here, Biff.
Whoa.
Looks like we've had a
little too much of Mr. Beer.
Maybe we should take you
over to Mr. Bed and sit you down.
- Mr. Bed?
- Yeah, Mr. Bed.
The world will feel a lot better.
It'll stop spinning around.
You might feel like you want to throw up.
Come here.
Okay, let's take off Mr. Shoes.
I can't figure you
out, Mendelsson.
Well, it's the alcohol.
Kills brain cells.
Makes you think you're an adult.
No, I mean...
What do I mean?
I don't know.
You lied for me.
For my dad.
Yeah.
Well...
I figured I had a lot
less to lose than you did.
There we go.
Is he okay?
Yeah.
Poor guy.
His father really
worked him over.
I d-didn't know you and
B-Biff had gotten to be such...
g-good friends.
Long-term exposure to Mendelsson
rays will do that to a person.
- Max, look.
- Don't say it.
Don't say what?
What you're about to say.
You don't have to say it.
But I...
n-need to say it.
Okay.
Okay, you need to say
it, then say it with a look.
Give me that look
you're so good at.
Come on, give me a
little standard Perry here.
That's the one.
Apology accepted.
Don't ever let it happen again.
Max?
Look, Per.
You met a girl.
I should have been
happy for you. It's just...
I don't know, I'm
having a lousy time.
And that's the problem
with pain, is that it
takes all the fun out
of pleasure, you know?
So... th-that's it?
We're okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, of course we're okay. What
am I gonna do? Stay mad at you?
You're responsible for 60% of
the greatest moments of my life.
Max.
How am I ever gonna
get rid of you?
Per, look at it this way.
I'm a suction cup.
You're anything
with a flat surface.
We've got work to do.
Come, Perry.
That's C-Corporal Perry to you.
Yeah.
Come on, guys.
Move it.
Get those weapons loaded.
Let's go.
Hurry it up.
Sir, may I have a couple of moments
of your time, Captain Hewlander, sir?
Get out of here, Mendelsson.
Come on.
But, sir, I have brought
you something, sir.
I said beat it.
Sir, this was with the stuff
that Major Woods stole.
It's in Russian, and I think it
just might be their battle plan, sir.
This has gotta
be a joke, Mendelsson.
I mean, if this is for real, why
would you give it to me, huh?
Sir, I've changed.
I've turned over
a new leaf, sir.
I feel that I'm part of Kirkland
now, and I'm darn proud of it.
And golly, this is just
my way of saying... jeepers, I'm...
I'm sorry for having been
so gosh darn unruly, sir.
Unbelievable.
Sooner or later this place
gets to you, doesn't it?
Huh?
You're gonna be alright, Private.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
And, may I say, good luck, sir.
We might not need
it now, will we, huh?
Alright.
Dismissed, Mendelsson.
Yes, sir.
Okay, guys, let's
get the truck out.
Come on, move it.
Kevin, you're hit!
Kevin!
Help!
Get down on the ground, boys!
Over here, everybody! Come on!
This way! Everybody, come on!
Keep it together! Come on, move it!
Come on, let's go.
I don't understand.
They weren't
supposed to be here.
Sir, how could you know that?
I have... Mendelsson!
Damn!
Fall back! Come on, retreat! Retreat!
Sir, you can't say that.
You're dead.
Are you questioning
my authority?
Sir, you're not
playing by the rules.
The object is to beat
the Russians at all costs.
There are no rules.
Now let's go!
Come on, retreat!
- Come on!
- Kevin, come back!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Come on, this way!
Keep going!
Hey! There it is!
That's it! Alright!
Blue Squirrel to
Gray Fox, come in.
Blue Squirrel to Gray Fox.
- Do you read me?
- Wait a minute.
I think D-Destiny is calling.
Well, I left a message.
Blue Squirrel to Gray
Fox, come in, over.
This is Gray Fox.
Go ahead, Blue Squirrel, over.
- Gray Fox?
- Yeah.
Blue Squirrel.
Good, good.
Where do you get the names?
First engagement with enemy.
Entire company is
either dead or captured.
Over.
Say again, Blue Squirrel, over.
First engagement with enemy.
Entire company dead or captured.
Did they get the flag?
Over.
Negative, Gray Fox.
Flag is secure.
Over.
Very well, Blue Squirrel.
Report back to base.
Wait for further instructions.
Gray Fox out.
Biff.
Biffy boy.
Time to get up.
You don't wanna be late for your
first day of global domination, do you?
Oh, God, my head.
Good morning, Major Woods.
What are you all
doing in my room?
Good morning, Major Woods.
What's this forest
doing in my room?
Well, Major, there's not a lot of time
to explain, but here's the story so far.
While you were asleep, Kevin's entire
squad was captured by the Russians,
but our happy little group is ready to
be led to victory under your command.
What are you, nuts?
I can't lead anyone anywhere.
I stopped being
a Major last night.
You'll always be
a Major to us, sir.
A Major what?
We still don't know.
Oh.
Well, do we at least
have a tactical plan?
Well, see, Biff, my
philosophy has always been
that the key to success
is total unpreparedness.
Now, we have no
practical experience,
no real soldiers,
and absolutely no strategy whatsoever.
Hey, buddy, how can we fail?
Ed,
there's a message
coming in for you from the field.
- Is it Blue Squirrel?
- Negative.
Someone calling
themselves Quazy Wabbit.
This is Gray Fox.
Who is this? Over.
Hewwo, I'm Elmer Fudd.
Gway Fox, this is Quazy Wabbit.
Mendelsson?
Where are you?
Over.
Now, General, I'm here
with my band of amiable
zanies, and we plan
on ending this war.
Mendelsson, your presence there
constitutes a violation of the rules.
Over.
Uh, look, General, we gotta go make
some plans, so I'm not gonna talk now,
but we'll call you back
when the rates go down.
Oh, and by the way, you'll be interested
to know, I'm not in charge of this mess.
Your son Biff is.
Well, that's it for me.
Love ya.
Bye.
Ed, don't do this to yourself.
You have to give him a chance.
No more chances,
I'm going down there.
No.
Your son is one of the finest
young men I've ever met.
Ed,
he's your son.
The only part of
Diane you have left.
For God's sakes,
don't shut him out.
Okay, quick, get out of
sight and wait for my signal.
We capture you in the name of
the Kirkland Military Academy.
Surrender or we'll be
forced to blow you away.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on.
Yes, alright. Right on.
Max, hi.
Max, hi?
In the middle of World War III, you
step out of nowhere, you say, Max, hi?
Well, yeah.
Let's go...
Why not?
Just asking.
Let's go, guys.
Come on, let's go.
Head to camp.
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Ah...
Did anyone see a little
white golf ball come this way?
No.
Um...
My name and address is
written real small on the bottom.
I'll guarantee postage.
Whoa.
He's nuts.
Come on, Max, grab the gun.
Over there, come on, easy.
Get his gun. Give me the gun.
Come on, let's go.
Arm yourselves, come on.
Get a rifle, come on!
Hey, that's against the rules.
To hell with the rules, let's go.
- Take cover, alright.
- They're in the bushes!
Back up. Back up.
- There, come on, go, go, go.
- Get back. Get back.
Come on, let's go.
All right, all right, get cover.
There's one. Get him, over there, go.
Hold it, hold it.
Fire! Come on, wait him out!
Come on!
Get down.
Get down.
Hey, hey.
- See?
- There.
There, I got one.
They're out of ammo.
Come on. They're out.
Alright.
Yeah.
We got him, we got him.
Hold your fire, hold your fire, let's go.
We got him.
Let's move it, over here.
Come on, come on, faster.
Let's go, move it.
- Come on!
- Alright!
- Get him over there!
- One on the other side!
There's no victory if
you must win by cheating.
Shut up.
You're a dead man.
How can dead man
tell me to shut up?
Oh, hell.
You're the dead man.
No!
No way.
That would make
me as bad as you.
You alright, man?
If I say no, you
not kiss me too?
Okay, that's it, sports fans.
This game is over.
It's Miller time.
Guns, please.
Hey, who won?
We both won.
We're all winners.
This is a glorious
day for all mankind.
We cannot both be victorious.
You don't like that?
All right, uh,
we're both losers.
We all lost.
It's a sad day for
all mankind, okay?
Here, there you go.
Don't wave it all in one place.
That's not acceptable.
Why does there have to
be a winner and a loser? Look.
We played a game.
We had a good time.
Now, we should all be sitting in a
restaurant somewhere having some pizza and
borscht and having some
man-to-man women talk.
But you are enemies.
Define enemies.
How am I your enemy?
You are American.
That's it?
I'm an American?
Man, you don't even know me.
Now, the next time you're in town, you
come to my house and you eat off my table.
And if I had a sister, which I
don't, I wouldn't let you take her out.
But that's only
because I like you.
He's on a roll.
I mean, if you guys can't think for
yourselves enough to see that we don't
know each other well enough to
hate each other, then you go on home.
And you tell your fathers to come
over here and beat up our fathers.
And then when they're
all done with each other,
we'll let the mothers
decide the fate of the world.
My friend, I would like to come to
your house and eat off your table.
And not to date your
sister, who you don't have.
She's gonna be
very disappointed.
Yeah, yeah.
Alright, let's go home!
What have you done?
Well, we brought you peace.
Peace?
What are you
talking about, peace?
A soldier's job is to win the
war, win the battle, win anything.
Hell, don't you listen
to yourself anymore?
I mean, I remember when I was a kid, you
used to tell me,
"To win a battle with honor,
was to find the best way to
avoid fighting the battle at all."
You're so much like your mother.
She knew me better
than I knew myself.
My son, I want you to know...
I know.
So, Thanksgiving with
Mary-Beth and her father.
How quickly we are worming
our way into the Wagner household.
When do I start
getting fitted for my tux?
It would r-really shock you if I
told you we were getting married.
Perry, you would be peeling
me out of the carpeting.
Nah.
We're just g-good friends.
At least for now.
Well?
You going home for Thanksgiving?
Oh, I don't know.
Somehow Thanksgiving at my house
has always been a contradiction in terms.
What's that?
Oh, this, I was gonna
burn this, but, uh,
I'm having a hard time
bringing myself to do it.
What is it?
Well, it's my notebook.
A couple of thousand stupid
ideas for practical jokes.
I mean, I don't
need this anymore.
As amazing as it
sounds, you were right.
I was?
About what?
This place.
You know, it's not so bad
once you get used to it.
I think a little discipline
has done me a lot of good.
Wait a minute.
Are you on the level with this?
Absolutely.
Because if you are, and i-it's true, I
think I'm gonna miss the old Wacky Max.
But now there's a new and improved
Wacky Max, and he's safe for fabrics.
I've... gotta go.
Okay.
See you in a couple
of days, buddy boy.
Okay.
Have a great Thanksgiving, Max.
You too, buddy.
Thanks, pal.
And take this.
Are you sure about this?
Nah, yeah.
Okay.
- Are you sure?
- I'm sure.
Just burn it.
Just burn it.
Burn it all.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- I'll see you, Max.
- Okay.
Have a good time.
Perry!
I'm sorry.
I'm a l-little late.
I had to p-pack and everything.
And then I had to mess
with this whole thing with...
Well, you look great.
Oh, excuse me.
Could you burn this?
Thanks.
Hi.
Oh, hi, Mr. Wagner.
How are you, young man?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa.
Put it out. Come on.
I don't know.
Come on, get back, get back.
COMBAT ACADEMY
Women
Men
- Hey!
- What are you doing?!
Get out of here!
- Get out of here!
- Go! Get out!
Creep!
Women
No one said to sit down, Mr. Mendelsson.
Are you sure?
'Cause I could have sworn...
No, no, I know what it is.
I know what it is.
Last year, you told us to sit down.
Or, uh, take a seat.
Well, you made some kind of
reclining request, so I was just...
Gentlemen, this vacation,
I decided that I desperately
needed to get away
from running this school.
So I gathered my little family, and
we all went down to the Grand Canyon.
And in the midst of all this beauty and
serenity, all I could think about was,
what are those two maniacs going to do to
my school this year?
Oh, gee whiz, Mr. Thompson.
I mean, why are you blaming all this on us?
Don't insult my intelligence.
This morning has your
names written right across it.
I mean, why can't you do something simple?
Like stealing toilet paper from the
faculty lounge, or placing Lindberger
cheese in the stairwells?
No, no, no.
That's too easy for you, isn't it?
No, no. You had to go and fill
up the library with a herd of pigs!
Oh, no, no.
Wait a minute, Mr. Thompson.
I can't believe you
still blame us for that.
Now, if you remember, we were prepared to
present, in our defense, all sorts of very
real-sounding evidence
implicating Mrs. Kushner.
Mrs. Kushner?
The school d-dietician.
That woman should not be
allowed near children's food.
She's a classic wacko.
That's enough, Max.
Did you honestly think that I was going to
let this incident go unpunished?
But it's the first day.
Precisely.
I'm suspending you both for two weeks.
Two weeks?
Now, I want you to fill out
a couple of these forms.
Hi.
M-My name is... P-Perry.
Creep.
What's...
Don't let it get to you, okay?
It's the first one of the day...
No, it's-it's when I stutter the...
All right, well, hey, look, some
women are gonna like that.
You know, think of that.
Perry, look out!
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Are you sure?
I think so.
You okay?
Yeah. I'm okay.
What happened?
It's... It's j-just my p-pants.
It's... It's just his p-pants.
Hey, Chucklehead, you shut your face, okay?
Where'd you learn
how to drive, anyway?
Well, you children shouldn't
be playing in the street.
Children?
Let me clue you in
on something, okay?
We ain't the ones wearing your
Winnie-the-Pooh-back-to-military-school
collection clothing.
Nice.
I'm okay, really.
Kevin, tell him you're sorry.
Oh, no, no.
Don't bother, Kevvy.
Don't bother.
Don't bother.
'Cause sorry don't smoke
the Admiral's pipe, okay?
Sir, will you just let me
take control of this situation?
Return to the truck, Captain.
But I know I could
straighten out this wise guy.
That's an order.
Have a nice life, Kevin.
And while you're at it, buy
yourself a personality.
What the hell's the matter
with you people, huh?
I mean, don't your
little war games up at
your military school
give you enough jollies?
You gotta come into town
and try to run down pedestrians?
We're here for supplies, that's all.
Uh-huh. Not the meeting
of the Hitler Youth, right?
Come on, come on, be nice.
Come on!
So you're really okay, right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Okay, good.
Principal Thompson, Eastfield High.
Dear sir, Perry and I are very sorry
about the situation we've caused.
And as soon as we can figure
out which one of us is responsible
for your daughter's child, we'll
immediately give you a call.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Neo-Greatness.
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.
Max, haven't we gotten into
enough trouble for one day?
Define enough.
Come on, Max.
Can't we just once act like a-adults?
What are you, my mother?
No.
What are you, Peter Pan?
I like the idea of growing up.
It'll look good on a resume.
Perry, come.
Hey, what?
Whoever's in charge here
get over here right now.
Now, we were just sent down from the head
construction office to check up on how you
boys are doing, and it
appears we got a situation here.
'Cause you boys are digging on
the wrong side of the street.
What do you mean?
What do I mean?
What I mean is what side of the street
are you supposed to be digging on?
- West.
- Uh-huh.
And what side of the street
you think you are digging on?
West?
Now, I don't know
about where you're from,
but around these
parts, north, is that way.
Now, where would
that put west, huh, son?
Over there.
Bingo.
Yeah, chief. They're blocking
traffic on both sides of the street.
Alright, just be calm. It's no problem.
Stop! I was, it's just
a joke, I was kidding!
Yes! Digging!
No! No! Kidding! Kidding!
Yes! Digging! Digging!
We hit a water main!
Who's responsible?
He is!
No, he is!
Alright, wise guy.
You have the right to remain silent
and you have the right to an attorney.
If you choose to make a statement...
I never ever want to go to jail again.
Oh, it was horrible. It was horrible.
With these big rats
the size of Aunt Frida.
And they kept trying to carry off Perry.
It was dark and wet, and
there were these fat murderers.
And all I could think of is, if I just get to
go home and see Mom and Dad and my little
non-existent baby
brother, I'll be so happy.
Oh, Mother, I'm scared.
Oh, my God.
Max, we're not buying any of this.
Okay. Well, then, would you buy that
we were just walking...
Max!
Let's go home.
But really, we're just walking down the
street through these guys drilling, okay?
And then suddnely there were cops,
and, then you know, I'm in jail.
I mean, that's my luck all the time.
Oh, by the way, um, I've been
suspended from school again.
I've got a thousand tiny
explosions going on inside me,
and kid, and your name is
on every single one of them.
Daddy-
You're the only person in the entire
family who's ever spent a second in jail.
Dad.
You'll be the only kid in
your high school yearbook
whose picture has both
a front and a side view.
Let's take the stairs!
So, we dumped 800 pounds of jello
into the school swimming pool, and, uh,
by night, it should be
ready to eat, you know?
Hey, Dad.
Banana peel.
Watch out, you know you've
got your back problem, you know?
Well, let's see what
we've got for breakfast.
Oh, we've got Mr. Happy Meal.
Look at this.
Let's put a little toupee on him there.
Max!
Stop it, Max!
Thank you. I'm good.
You're good.
I never had the guts to do
these things when I was your age.
Why do you keep encouraging him?
Marty's only letting off a little steam.
It's healthy.
Digging up a public street is healthy?
Beverly, he didn't dig it up.
How do we punish you, Max, huh?
I mean, what do we
do to you so it sinks in?
I don't know, Ma.
Look, if you're looking for
suggestions, better ask Dad.
Max, I'm your father.
What you do kills me,
but you just can't get
away with these
things in the real world.
Look, Dad, I know I'm the cause
of your prostate trouble, okay?
And yours too, Mom.
But-
But I'm a kid.
It's a phase.
Be patient.
I love the way you think.
Look, I know I'm a
problem child, okay?
So if you want to keep
telling the neighbors that
I got a brain aneurysm
or something, I'll play along.
Yeah, right.
Son of a gun.
That's great.
Terrific.
Mr. Mendelsson, Mr. Barnett, we
have a complicated matter here.
According to the laws of this
state, impersonating construction
workers has not yet been
labeled a criminal offense.
However, in addition to that, I have in
front of me a report from your high school
listing 238 separate disruptions
over the last three years.
Your Honor, Your Honor, that
is clearly an exaggeration, okay?
I mean, I think we're talking
about maybe 235, 236 max.
Your kid has turned my
kid into a complete idiot.
Your kid was an
idiot when he started.
This kind of behavior cannot go without
some type of retribution, Mr. Mendelsson.
Okay, tell you what.
How about if we solemnly swear
to be the bestest boys that
we could ever possibly be?
No.
I don't think that
would be sufficient.
I can understand why you and Beverly
stopped having children after Max.
At least we knew when to quit.
You're still cranking 'em out.
Last week, the state agreed to fund a test
program for those young men and women
who are right on the verge of
becoming full disciplinary problems.
I think you two fall
into that category.
And so I am sentencing you, Maxwell
Mendelsson, and you, Percival Barnett,
to the full school year at the
Kirkland Military Academy.
What, you're serious?
No, Your Honor, Your
Honor, there's a mistake here.
We can't go to
military school, okay?
We can't go to combat high.
Can't go.
- That's it.
- No, no.
No, no, it's not it.
Because I'd like to stay alive, so
it's not it as far as I'm concerned.
I'm just not going.
Mom?
Right.
Dad?
Dad?
Yeah.
Max?
Got enough money?
Um, could you
give me another 10?
And, in fact, can you make it 20? 'Cause...
Actually, can you do 50?
Because Perry's dad didn't
want to give him a cent.
Actually, can you make it 100?
Because I'm going to
need to bribe someone.
Here you go, buddy.
Thanks, Mr. Mendelsson.
My... dad didn't even
want to drive me up here.
I'm gonna miss you, Max.
Me too.
Hey, hey, you know, it's not too late
for you to try to get us out of this thing.
Hey, Mom.
Ma, look, I'm gonna appeal
to you as a mother, okay?
You really want to see your
little baby go off to war?
Yes, I do.
Thank you.
Take care, Max.
Thank you very much.
Good luck, Perry.
Thanks for the loan.
- I'll get it back to you.
- Forget it.
Well, this just makes me
proud to be an American.
Bye, Dad.
Bye, Nancy.
Everybody, it's party time!
If he lasts here more than
a week, it'll be a miracle.
All right, Larry, what
do you got for me now?
Here is a list, Ed, of everything
that was reported stolen so far.
Whoever this cadet is, he moves around
like a monkey on a barbed-wired fence.
That's disgusting as
well as humiliating.
Right.
In Da Nang, if I caught one of our guys
stealing so much as a bootlace off a dead
Charlie, that soldier would
have wished he'd have been shot.
Well, you know, I'll do my level
best to raise a breeze over this, Ed.
Yeah, stay on it, Larry.
Stand on it, because they're
gonna be coming soon.
And they're gonna
send us their very best.
That's what we're
going to be up against.
I want this thievery to stop
now, pronto, if not sooner.
Yes.
Mendelsson and Barnett
are here, General Woods.
Should I send them in now,
or do you want them to wait?
Send them in.
Cadets will come to attention in
the presence of a superior officer.
What?
You are cadets.
Barnett and
Mendelsson, are you not?
We're cadets.
We're cadets.
That's like a step up
from Mouseketeer.
Let's get one thing
perfectly clear.
I will not tolerate any form of
insubordination in my school.
Is that perfectly clear?
Well, like, could you
define insubordination?
Is that clear?
Yeah.
Yes.
What?
Yes, it's clear.
It's crystal clear.
It's transparently...
Yes.
Sir.
Thank you.
Yes, sir.
It's crystal clear.
It's transparently clear.
You will speak when spoken to and
then only in response to a direct question.
Is that clear?
- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.
Good.
Now, boys.
I want you to know that
my parents placed me
in this academy when
I was about your age.
And it was hard.
Very hard for me, but I went
on to a career in the military
and I served our country
in combat all over the world.
It takes time.
But you can adjust.
Excuse me, General Woods?
Yes.
Sergeant Pritchett
has arrived, sir.
Send the sergeant in.
Cadet Sergeant
Pritchett reporting, sir.
This is Sergeant Pritchett.
She will accompany you
on the rest of your orientation.
Uh, sir, how many people
have you offed with this thing?
Penalties for accumulation
of demerits are as follows.
Deprivation of all privileges, confinement
to quarters, and confinement to campus.
You got it?
Yo, sir.
Come on, Barnett.
Get your rear in gear.
Hey, Sergeant.
Let me ask you a question.
How are you gonna make us do any of
this military junk if we don't want to?
Mendelsson, if you don't obey, I
will personally disable you for life.
You're gonna disable me, huh?
I'll hit you so hard,
you'll be wiping up
your vital organs off
of this cracked cement.
Does that register with you?
You're very persuasive for your size.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Move it.
Come in.
Sergeant Pritchett reporting
with Private Mendelsson, sir!
At ease, Sergeant.
Okay, let's see
what you brought me.
Attention!
I don't believe it.
You two know each other?
Oh, we've minced words.
You will speak when spoken to, Private,
and you will salute a superior officer.
That sounds very familiar.
Does everybody around
here talk like this?
Sergeant Pritchett, for every five seconds
Private Mendelsson does not salute,
you will add five
demerits to his sentence.
When you reach a hundred,
you'll start tacking on ten.
Begin now.
Five demerits.
Ten.
Okay. Fine.
You want me to salute you?
All right.
But first, you salute this.
What is it?
Sergeant Pritchett, reporting
with Cadet Barnett, sir.
At ease, Sergeant.
There is a god.
Cut it out.
This is gonna be a g-g-g-g-good year.
Huh, Barnett? Huh?
Hey!
Hey, you two, keep it up.
Keep moving.
Quit laughing.
Okay, this is your squad.
Oh man, will you get a
load of these pieces of work?
Nature can be very cruel.
Mendelsson, can it.
Cadets, fall back!
You two fit right in there.
Well, not really, but...
Hi, sailor.
Attention!
Right face!
Left step, forward!
Excuse me.
Mendelsson.
Up. Now.
I said now.
Ten-hut!
Present arms!
Order arms!
Merciful Lord, we thank you for
the food we are about to consume.
Um, boys, does that
work with all food
or just the stuff that stays
on the fork real easy?
Regulations state everything
be eaten by the square.
By the square?
Really, 'cause I would
think that a pentagon
motion would be
more politically correct.
No laughing, Barnett.
Mendelsson, let's go.
Get up and get dressed.
Come on.
- What time is it, man?
- That means you, Private.
Mendelsson, according to regulations,
all cadets must wear pajamas to sleep.
Where are yours?
Well, this private prefers to
sleep in his privates, Major.
From this moment
on, you are Feebs.
Nothing.
Zero.
You are the lowest
form of life there is.
You will learn to fear
us, you will see us in your
worst nightmares, and
you will wake up screaming.
Well, pardon me, boys,
but if I am gonna wake up
screaming, I'm gonna
need plenty of extra sleep.
Mendelsson!
Hey! Hey!
Hi, boys.
All right.
Now, since this is the first
night of many we'll be
spending together, let's start
out with something simple.
Feebs will drop and
give me 100 push-ups.
And Mendelsson, I
want 200 from you.
Let's go! Move it!
That's right. Get down!
Move it!
Get down!
Hey!
Stop! You're hurting him!
Shut up, Feeb!
Perry, it's okay.
Now, count 'em out.
Count 'em out.
One.
That's right.
Thirty.
Sixty.
Ninety.
Hey, Candy, I hope you're getting off on
this, 'cause I'm having a really good time.
I'm gonna break
you this time, all right?
'Cause I'm getting
real sick of you.
Do you hear me?
Mm-hmm.
All right.
Count 'em out.
And a-one.
- And a-two.
- Yeah.
- And a-three.
And a-four.
That's right.
You're my best cadet, Major.
The best of the best.
Do you understand the nature of
your responsibility in this situation?
Yes, sir.
Good.
Because this is the most important
command that you may ever be given.
I'm putting all of
my faith in you.
I won't let you down, sir.
If only your mother could have seen
what a fine soldier you've grown into.
She would be very, very proud.
Sleeves rolled up?
That's ten demerits.
Oh, and collar unbuttoned, huh?
That's another ten demerits.
What's that?
Where's the pin?
Twenty-five demerits.
Well, Kev, can I
ask you something?
How many demerits is it for
not wearing any underwear?
Max Mendelsson?
Yeah?
Hunter Davies, I'm
here to help you.
Uh-huh.
Uh, I don't need any help.
How about a watch?
You wanna buy a watch?
$10.95, plus three
hundred percent sales tax.
That's all right.
I don't plan to be here
long enough to tell time.
I'm getting out of Dodge, and I'm
taking the marshal here with me.
Ten, hut!
Present arms!
Order arms!
Stand at ease.
As you know, for the
last several years, this
academy has been ranked
number one in the nation.
As a result, this year, a great honor
has been bestowed upon Kirkland.
We have been asked by the State Department
to participate in a nationwide tour
that is being given for a
group of Russian cadets.
During their stay here, they
will face us in a mock war game.
Now there's not much time left to
prepare for this endeavor, nevertheless.
We will be ready...
...and we shall prevail.
Kirkland!
Kirkland!
Kirkland!
Kirkland!
Kirkland!
Kirkland!
Kirkland!
Kirkland!
Kirkland!
Perry, this place is a loony bin.
Yeah, just promise me one thing.
If we get kicked out of here, let's
not get kicked into some place w-worse.
There is no place worse.
This is hell.
All right.
The object of this
game is to use military
tactics to capture the
opposing team's flag.
Now, in this exercise, we'll be using
paint pellet guns representing the orange
and the yellow teams.
If you are hit, you are considered
dead and out of the game.
All right, let's move out.
Move out.
Go.
Stay low.
Keep looking out
around you, okay?
Be sure you stay
low in position.
Look!
It's Johnny Reb!
Mendelsson, Barnett!
What are you two doing?
Get back here!
It's a civil war all over again.
We're going to
emancipate the thieves.
Look, here's one of
those poor fellers now.
Go, my child!
You are free!
Keep your hands off me!
And when Johnny comes
marching home again, hurrah, hurrah!
You're dead!
When Johnny comes marching
home again, hurrah, hurrah!
Will you two dicks get
back into position now?
Incoming!
Oh, oh, oh.
Hold still.
It's all over now.
That's right.
You got down.
Come on!
Move, move, move!
Come on, come on, come on!
Get down!
Fire!
Come on, man!
Keep firing, guys!
Cross aim!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
You'll never take
me alive, Coppers!
I'm on top of the world, Ma!
Mendelsson, you're dead!
Just a flesh wound!
There are no flesh wounds!
You're a dead man!
Company, fall back!
Oh, yeah?
Can a dead man do this?
Barnett!
- Let's go! Let's go!
- All right!
I got the other side!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Move, move, move! Go, go!
Yeah!
Come on, come on, come on!
Go, go, go, come on!
Are you okay?
I don't know. I heard
something snap.
All right, die, Barnett.
I said die.
Kevin, she's really hurt.
We gotta help her.
Hey, you are given
a direct order now.
Comply!
Forget you!
Hey, man, get off of his back.
Just stay out of
this, Mendelsson.
Hey, I'm in it!
Yeah, you sure are, all right?
Up to your butt!
All right, that'll
be 50 demerits.
Hey, great, another 50,
I get the toaster oven.
Come on! Get down!
Give me 50!
Get down, Mendelsson!
Move it!
Come on!
Here we go again!
- Come on!
- One.
- Five.
- That's right.
- Twelve, thirty-four.
- Come on.
The foot isn't helping me.
Get you to the nurse.
Hey, boys, does this mean
that we're going steady now?
We are Alpha!
And we like to party!
And we like to party!
Party!
Party!
You're still here?
Yeah.
Uh, it's just a bad sprain.
Nothing major.
Good.
Good.
- Well...
- Thank you for being so sweet.
I really hate to ask this, but would you
mind carrying my rifle, just to the dorm?
No.
Sure.
You don't say very much, do you?
No.
Yes.
I...
I...
St-stutter a lot.
When I'm...
With... New people.
Oh.
You can't really tell.
People...
Tend to feel s-sorry for me.
I don't n-need that.
You think I feel sorry for you?
Is that why I let you pick me up and
carry me all the way to the infirmary?
Dumb, right?
What you did in some countries
would be grounds for getting married.
W-which countries?
Open your books to page 137...
Today's lesson will begin with an
oral examination of the elements.
Your symbols.
Your atomic numbers.
I smell bacon.
Does anybody here smell bacon?
I love bacon.
And I love a hard mattress.
We're gonna
have a movie today.
Hydrogen.
Number one.
Lithium.
Number three.
Beryllium.
Which is my wife's
name, by the way.
Number four.
Sodium.
Na, 11.
Am I missing anything?
No, but he is.
Scandium.
You bet you that's a good one.
That's 21.
So what happened to you?
I was w-walking
Mary-B-Beth back to the dorm.
Mary-Beth?
Oh, she's...
Phenomenal.
Define phenomenal.
I can't.
S-she's just, she's cute and sweet and...
But not like...
Beautiful.
She's got this real
down-to-earth look about her.
And she's got great ears.
Wait a minute.
Are you trying to tell me
that, uh... You're in love?
I...
Don't know.
Well, it's gotta be
something 'cause that's,
that's the first time I've ever seen you
smile where I actually saw all your teeth.
Beryllium.
Sodium.
Magnesium.
Potassium.
Calcium.
Scandium.
Potanium.
Repidium.
Strathium.
And that's what we
call doing the bop.
But look.
I mean, I think it's become real clear
that this place is fatal to our life forms.
You know, I think it's time
to put into effect operation
"Let's get the hell outta here."
You...
Got a plan?
What?
You forgot who
you're talking to?
I got a million.
We're gonna drive
Woods out of this galaxy.
Nitrogen.
Seth, who is coughing?
Raise your hand.
Why I oughta...
Never cough during the elements.
Aah!
Watch out!
You might get what you're after
Cool, babies
Strange but not a stranger
I'm an ordinary guy
Burning down the house!
Hold tight
Wait till the party's over
Hold tight
We're in for nasty weather
There has got to be a way
Burning down the house!
Here's your ticket; pack your bag
It's time for jumping overboard
The transportation is here
Close enough but not too far
Maybe you know where you are
Fighting fire with fire
Aah!
All wet
Here, you might need a raincoat
Shake-down
Dreams walking in broad daylight
Three hundred sixty-five degrees
Burning down the house!
Aah!
It was once upon a place
Sometimes I listen to myself
Gonna come in first place
People on their way to work say
"Baby, what did you expect?"
Gonna burst into flame!
Aah!
Burning down the house!
My house
Is out of the ordinary
That's right
Don't wanna hurt nobody
Some things sure can
sweep me off my feet
Burning down the house!
I just wanted you both to know that
your parents have been notified and their
insurance companies will be held responsible
for all the damage to the mess hall.
Okay.
So when do we leave?
You don't.
The people who sent you here won't allow me
to throw you out under any circumstances.
Eddie.
Edward.
Ted.
- Max.
- Look.
Max.
Give me that.
Don't you understand?
This...
doesn't do any good.
Okay.
Then I'll put it another way.
Unless you throw us out of here
right now, you're gonna regret it.
And not just in this life, but when you die
and you're reincarnated, in that life too.
Listen!
You little weasel!
You are never...
ever getting out of here!
So!
If you pull one more of your little
pranks, you are gonna regret it not only
in this life, but even if you
chicken out and die on me!
Am I getting through?
You gather my meaning!
No.
But if you had one,
I'm sure I would.
I hope...
the two of you like running
because you're gonna do a lot of it.
Now get out.
Both of you, get out.
He thinks he can't
kick us out of here.
He doesn't know us.
We've been kicked out
of worse places than this.
We're not gonna
take this like men.
Max, stop.
Stop what?
We're here.
We might as well
m-make the best of things.
Perry, in case you didn't
notice, this is military school.
We don't wanna be here.
But we have to be, Max.
Hey, I don't have
to do anything.
Fine.
I d-do.
And I've decided that it's m-much
easier just to play it straight, okay?
Man, what is the
matter with you today?
I mean, you wanna be like them?
Or you wanna be like us?
You mean like you, Max.
Do I wanna be like you?
You know...
Sometimes...
You can just be so
o-obnoxious and self-centered.
Hey, hey, what is this?
The new Barnett vocabulary?
Where are you picking this up?
Mary-Beth?
M-Mary-Beth has
n-nothing to do with this.
Oh, great.
Now it's Porky Pig time.
You know, you haven't stuttered this
badly with me since we were little kids.
You know, you... Now
you sound like just...
W-Wounded animal.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm trying my best not to
sound like a wounded human.
Don't you get it?
What?
Get what, Perry?
Even w-when we were little kids.
I always listen to t-the stupid
things y-you came up with.
I'm s-still listening to them.
Hey, I would be happy to listen to your
stupid ideas if you ever came up with any.
Really?
Yeah, really.
What ab-bout this?
From now on, just do me a
favor and s-stay away from me!
Okay, Perry.
You were right.
I was wrong.
I mean, you can come
up with good ideas.
Good for you.
We'll sing a toast to KMS
- Her honor well uphold
- I can't hear you, Johnson.
The fellowship that we enjoy
We value more than gold
The love we hold for KMS
In words can ne'er be told
So let's honor Kirkland now
The yellow, black and gold
We'll sing a toast to KMS
Her honor well uphold
Okay! Come on, let's go!
Take off!
That's right, keep it straight!
Faster!
Come on!
Go Mendelsson!
Please do not make me do this,
I cannot swim.
Get in the pool!
I will sink to the
bottom, I will not sink up!
I said get in the pool!
Help, I'm drowning!
It's okay, hey, hey, you're
good. You're good. Doing good.
It's alright, it's okay, buddy. It's okay.
That's another 50 demerits, private.
What kind of knobhead pushes a guy
who can't swim in a pool?
I said leave him alone and get back to the
exercise, Mendelsson, that's an order.
Ooh, direct hit!
Well, Major, it appears as if
you've had a minor accident.
Sir, let me give you a
little assistance.
I don't need any help, Kevin!
Get out of the pool, Private.
Well, Biffy, why don't you come on in?
I mean, I think you'll be right
at home in the shallow end.
I'm running out of patience
with you, Mendelsson.
Hey, Biff, what you're waiting
for, for me to straighten out?
It's never gonna happen, 'cause
I'm just an undisciplined kind of guy.
Get out of the pool,
Private, that's a direct order.
No way!
Got it?
Major, if you don't do
something about this, I'll have to.
Tomorrow, Mendelsson,
0600 hours on the parade field.
We'll settle this once and for all.
Class is dismissed!
Let's go, come on, move it out!
On the double!
All of you, let's go!
You know, you're never
gonna get any sound out of it
blowing in this end.
Mendelsson,
what are you doing here?
Well, I was hoping to
get a look in this cannon,
but, seems like I'm gonna
have to wait in line, huh?
I heard you picked a fight with Biff at
the pool today. Are you out of your mind?
Well, I thought the
answer to that was obvious.
I don't get you, Mendelsson.
I mean, you're obviously a bright guy. You
could do very well at this academy.
Well, has it ever occurred to you that I
might not want to do well at this academy?
I mean, why are you so
thrilled about this place?
Oh, my parents are both in the military.
They expect me to
follow in their footsteps.
See, that would be kind of hard for me.
Because my dad's a podiatrist.
So, I'm supposed to follow
in other people's footsteps.
Uh...
I'm curious about something.
Why are you out here by yourself?
I like to come here to think.
Think.
Yeah, well, good place, quiet
You got this, uh, big
gun here to protect you.
What's on your mind?
None of your business.
Hmm.
Could he be about six feet tall?
Blonde hair, blue eyes, and a
haircut you could land a helicopter on?
No, I'm not thinking about him.
Ah, so you are thinking about him.
Why do you
let Kevin torture you?
The guy's a warmonger.
I don't know what
it is I like about him.
He's handsome.
He's disciplined.
He's a perfect
fighting machine.
Yeah, but...
How does he stack up with
the rest of the male species?
You know, animals included.
I don't know.
Well...
How does he compare with
other guys you've been out with?
I've never been on a date
with anyone before.
Hey...
Hey...
That's nothing to be
ashamed of, okay?
I wouldn't even know what
to do on a date if I had one.
Well...
Floor resurfacing is definitely
out, I know that much.
I'm sorry.
This conversation is now over.
- Can I say one more thing?
- No!
Andrea, you're barking up
the wrong tree with Kevin.
The guy is just gonna hurt you.
Good night, Mendelsson
Hey! Alright, Biff!
Are you gonna stop it?
Nope. Mr. Mendelsson needs a
lesson he can't learn in class.
- There he is!
- Yeah, alright, Mendelsson!
Yo! Biff!
You're the disease,
and I'm the cure.
Come on!
Come on, Biff!
Come on, Biff!
Hit this!
Okay, it's foot boxing gone wrong!
Come on, come on! Hit my shoe, I dare you!
Come on, suck my heel you big guy!
Come on! You can do it man, come on!
Don't let it scare ya!
Just hit him!
Hit him.
Hit. Him.
For God's sake, what the
hell is going on out there?
What are you waiting for?
Let's breakdance!
What's he doing?
Get him!
Shut up, Kevin.
What did you say?
- Nothing.
- What'd you say?
Nothing.
Ed, we should be down there putting
an end to this. Not encouraging it.
It's an exercise in discipline, make
'em strong.
For the Russians.
This Russian business, you're
pushing these boys too hard.
I'm gonna stop it.
You stay right where you are.
So, Biff, has this been
embarrassing enough or what?
Wanna shake hands?
We'll get a beer, come on.
Make him bleed!
Make 'em bleed!
Finish him off now, Biff!
Finish him off now, man!
Do it again, man!
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
You just had him!
It's embarassing!
Finish him off, man!
- Get back in there!
- Mendelsson, will you get up?
What are you doing?
You're pathetic!
- Yeah!
- Boo!
You scared, Biff?
- That's pitiful.
- Alright, that's it, break it up.
On the double.
- Come on, Sergeant.
- That was the worst excuse for a fight
I think I've ever seen.
Are you kidding me? I'd like to fight 'em.
Max, are you okay?
Yeah, Per. I'm great. Just great.
Private Getz, clean this
room, looks like a pigsty!
Come on, get ready for inspection!
Dust, dirty floor. Nice room, cadet.
Come on, let's move it!
Let's go, inspection in five minutes!
Russian cadets will be here tomorrow!
Let's show those boys why
they came to Kirkland, huh?
Where's my hat?
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Major Woods, ready for inspection.
I want you to clean the whole room.
Start with my side.
Flight 182 from New York
is now arriving at gate 38.
Thank you for flying Eastern.
Hi.
Hello.
Hello.
- Hello.
- How are you?
Who are you?
We are from the Soviet Union.
Oh, I thought you'd be shorter.
Who are the short people?
The Italians?
Will you be my friend?
I like your hat.
An absolute idiot.
You can have mine. Good.
In Soviet Union, the cadets do
not feel the pressures of being soldiers.
So that's why the Soviet army is
unquestionably superior to yours.
Could somebody
pass me the bread?
Yeah, Max.
Would you like some
butter, some cheese?
I could go to the kitchen
and get you some jelly.
Hey there, hello, there. Hi.
The bread's fine.
No, Max, you saved my life.
You saved me from drowning.
In my country, I am in your debt forever,
as is my little brother if you want him.
And believe me, you don't.
Why don't we make a deal here?
Rent out Jai for parties.
Split the profits.
Hey, that's not bad.
No, no. And you know who we
can invite to the party, right?
Is the wacky Russian boys.
No, really.
Hey, these are party animals.
No, trust me.
These are quasi-fun fellas.
I mean, look at the guy
on the end with the icicles.
He just got back from Siberia.
He looks like he enjoys
turning in his welder.
Mary-Beth.
Mary-Beth, wait up.
Look, what's different
about this picture?
- I don't know.
- This.
I'm a corporal now.
Oh.
Nice.
You don't sound too excited.
Mary-Beth, at the
d-dance Friday night,
you're gonna be walking
arm-in-arm with a corporal.
Perry.
I can't go to the
dance with you.
What?
I...
I have a boyfriend back home.
We've been going
together for a couple years.
He knew about the dance.
How could I say no?
You lied to me.
But I did it because I
knew this would happen.
No.
Because you felt sorry for me.
I t-told you I don't need that.
Motor pool duty?
Yeah, well, you know me.
I'm a good example
of a bad example.
What's your excuse?
I've... volunteered.
Very nice.
Oh, Perry.
Oh, Perry.
You tell me that this little
decoration isn't what I think it is.
I'm a... corporal now.
That's why they sent me here.
For corporal punishment.
I'm sorry, my disgust has
reduced me to embarrassing puns.
Max, look.
I'm... sorry about everything.
If it makes you feel any better,
M-Mary-Beth and I are history.
That's why you're talking to me.
You screwed up with her, so you
wanna be friends with me again.
Hey, I said I'm sorry.
You think I know
w-what I'm saying?
I just w-want to get through this.
Perry, you ain't the same guy
you packed up in your suitcase.
Come on, Barnett.
Got another job for you.
The battlefield needs
painting for Sunday's game.
Ready, sir.
Wait, wait, wait.
One minute, corporal.
I want you to order Mendelsson
here to drop and give you 20.
What?
You heard me.
Come on, give 'em the order.
- But, sir, I don't...
- Come on, do it!
And have 'em count
'em out for you, too.
Speak it out, corporal.
Private M-M-
M-Mendelsson,
drop and give me 10.
No, no, no.
I said 20.
Drop and give me 20.
One, corporal.
Two, corporal.
Three, corporal.
Four, corporal.
Five, corporal.
Six, corporal.
Seven, corporal.
Hey, Major. I brought you those three
pairs of blue jeans you wanted.
Plus, the videocassette
tapes of the Bill Cosby Show.
I love Bill Cosby.
- Kills me.
- $150.
Iris. Glen.
And after tomorrow, back to
Leningrad in body bags. You got that?
Yes, sir.
Hi, Dad.
Son!
Come here.
Dad, I am here.
That's right, you are here.
Larry, I'd like you to
meet my son, Felix Jr.
Hello, Larry.
Hello, young Felix.
Excuse me, I'm just
studying the resemblance.
You know, your son
looks nothing like you.
You're right.
How do you suppose
that happened?
He finds your school well run, but
not good enough to beat us on Sunday.
I think our cadets may
surprise you, General.
He says that you
may be surprised.
No way.
Our cadets are stronger,
much smarter, stronger soldiers.
There is no way they can lose.
No way.
Swaying room as the music starts
Strangers making the most of the dark
Two by two their bodies become one
I see you through the smoky air
Can't you feel the weight of my stare?
You're so close, but still a world away
What I'm dying to say
Whoo!
Who is this, huh?
Any wisecracks, Mendelsson,
and you're prairie oysters.
Did I say anything?
No, but I could hear it coming.
You look great.
You really do.
Well, you put the "et" in cadet.
And you put the "cad" in cadet.
Thank you very much.
Look, uh... If your dance
card isn't totally full...
I'd be very honored if you trip
over the light fantastic with me.
Uh-uh.
Thank you, but no.
Oh, come on.
Will you forget about Kevin?
I mean, his arm has been
surgically attached to his date.
Well, then I'll
ask him to dance.
No, you won't.
Tonight, you are a lady.
You're gonna act like one.
Now.
Can I have that dance?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Dad, I think it's time we
take our medication now.
You're right.
Little Fel and I always take
all our medication together.
Such a father and
son thing to do.
If you read my mind, you'll see
I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
God, I hate these socials.
Everybody's looking at us.
Who would look at us?
We don't know how to dance.
You're the craziest
person I've ever met.
I mean that.
You talk tough.
You act tough.
I don't know.
Maybe you even are tough.
But somehow, somebody, somewhere...
Pieced all these terrific things...
...in this teeny little person.
I'm crazy for you
Does this kiss mean anything?
Well, I don't know about you, but...
I plan to run home and put my lips
between the pages of my scrapbook.
My watch is gone.
Did he take it from you?
Uh, Andy. Look.
I know this is real bad timing, but
can you just... Wait here for a minute.
It's okay.
I'll be right back. Alright?
- Okay.
- Alright?
Biff, I think you
oughta put that back.
I thought I straightened
you out, Mendelsson.
Hey, come on, man. I saw
you lift it off the Russian.
Are you accusing me of stealing?
Absolutely.
Then it's your
duty to report me.
You want me to report
you to your father?
That's right.
You know, Biff, I always
thought this about you
but I wasn't absolutely
sure until just now.
You've got a commemorative
plate in your head, don't you?
Come on, give me the watch.
No, give me that!
Don't be an idiot, man!
This is my watch!
Major...
This officer has suggested
that you've stolen his watch.
Is that true?
Is that true?
It is his watch, sir.
But, sir, I have a
confession to make.
I am the thief.
I took the watch.
Well, you did it.
You're outta here.
I don't care about state
support or the money.
It's not worth it.
Let's see how the inside
of a prison suits you.
General.
Major.
I don't know why you're doing
this, Max, but it's not right.
What is going on
between you two?
I'm the thief, Dad, not Max.
Everything that's
been stolen, it's all me.
That's impossible. You're
the ranking student officer.
Oh, so that means I can't steal?
Dad, you think I'm
the perfect soldier.
I'm not.
All of it.
And I lied.
I disgraced the honor of
your precious academy.
Why, Major?
Why would you do this?
What's my name?
What?
What is my name?
Come on, Dad, you
remember, you gave it to me.
- What is wrong...?
- What's my name?
Biff.
That's right.
You know how long I wanted you
to call me something besides Major?
Well, why would you
disappoint me this way?
Oh, you want to know something?
Disappointing you
makes me feel great.
I have no choice, but...
to relieve you of
rank and all duties.
Including your command of...
your company and
tomorrow's war game.
Is that all?
Why couldn't...
being my father...
be more important than
being my commanding officer?
Hey there.
I bet I know who
you're trying to kill.
I'm not in the mood
for you, Mendelsson.
Hey.
Anybody ever really in the
mood for a Mendelsson?
I miss my mom.
I don't...
I do miss my dad, though.
When I was a kid, he was...
always doing stuff
to get me to laugh.
I think that's why I do a
lot of the stuff that I do now.
Because I know when he
hears about it, he's gonna laugh.
So?
So I think he wishes
he was more like me.
You know?
I, I get the feeling
he used to be.
And I think that I'm all he's
got left to remind him of that.
See, I, I feel like I owe the
guy something, you know?
Yeah, well see, I don't
owe my dad anything, right?
Because I'm not his
son, I'm his soldier.
Hey, Biff.
I'm not trying to
defend your father.
Okay?
But he's your father.
This is never gonna
happen to me again.
I promise you that.
So you'll both end
up real losers, huh?
Real nice.
Real nice.
Here are the extra
goggles you needed.
Thanks.
- Perry.
- What?
What are you doing?
I want you to listen
to what I have to say.
M-Mary-Beth, I have to...
finish this requisition.
Listen to me.
I told Arlen at the dance I
didn't want to see him anymore.
It was a mistake.
That's good.
I told him we were going out.
Mm-hmm.
You are making this so hard.
I'm m-making this hard on you?
I was the one who had to d-dance
last night all by myself.
When you left the
dance, it hurt me.
I knew that I didn't
want to be with Arlen.
I wanted to be with you.
Why didn't you come after me?
I...
I should've.
Let me tell you something.
I'm tired of being the
heavy around here.
I keep doing everything to everybody and
they end up getting hurt and I get hurt.
So that's it.
I mean, I can take care
of myself without any help.
Say that again.
What?
What you just said.
Say it again.
Why?
Listen to yourself.
You're not stuttering.
I'm... I'm not.
There wasn't a stutter.
I guess I'm just mad.
Perry.
Do you really want to
have this fight with me?
No.
I...
wouldn't mind kissing you.
My lips are yours.
I fell on a sword.
Hey, how you doing?
Like I care.
Hey, great uniform.
You know, you guys
really know how to dress.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take it easy, take it easy.
I just want to know, can
Ivan come out and play?
'Cause we're having this game of
red light, green light and we need a red.
Okay.
Well, look, maybe we'll
make merry some other time.
Hey, boys.
Hang in there.
That's right.
Shut your doors.
Don't want to talk to old Biff.
He's a thief.
He's got no honor.
I said shut your doors!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey.
You made your money here.
Come here.
Come here, come here, Biff.
Come here, Biff.
Whoa.
Looks like we've had a
little too much of Mr. Beer.
Maybe we should take you
over to Mr. Bed and sit you down.
- Mr. Bed?
- Yeah, Mr. Bed.
The world will feel a lot better.
It'll stop spinning around.
You might feel like you want to throw up.
Come here.
Okay, let's take off Mr. Shoes.
I can't figure you
out, Mendelsson.
Well, it's the alcohol.
Kills brain cells.
Makes you think you're an adult.
No, I mean...
What do I mean?
I don't know.
You lied for me.
For my dad.
Yeah.
Well...
I figured I had a lot
less to lose than you did.
There we go.
Is he okay?
Yeah.
Poor guy.
His father really
worked him over.
I d-didn't know you and
B-Biff had gotten to be such...
g-good friends.
Long-term exposure to Mendelsson
rays will do that to a person.
- Max, look.
- Don't say it.
Don't say what?
What you're about to say.
You don't have to say it.
But I...
n-need to say it.
Okay.
Okay, you need to say
it, then say it with a look.
Give me that look
you're so good at.
Come on, give me a
little standard Perry here.
That's the one.
Apology accepted.
Don't ever let it happen again.
Max?
Look, Per.
You met a girl.
I should have been
happy for you. It's just...
I don't know, I'm
having a lousy time.
And that's the problem
with pain, is that it
takes all the fun out
of pleasure, you know?
So... th-that's it?
We're okay?
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, of course we're okay. What
am I gonna do? Stay mad at you?
You're responsible for 60% of
the greatest moments of my life.
Max.
How am I ever gonna
get rid of you?
Per, look at it this way.
I'm a suction cup.
You're anything
with a flat surface.
We've got work to do.
Come, Perry.
That's C-Corporal Perry to you.
Yeah.
Come on, guys.
Move it.
Get those weapons loaded.
Let's go.
Hurry it up.
Sir, may I have a couple of moments
of your time, Captain Hewlander, sir?
Get out of here, Mendelsson.
Come on.
But, sir, I have brought
you something, sir.
I said beat it.
Sir, this was with the stuff
that Major Woods stole.
It's in Russian, and I think it
just might be their battle plan, sir.
This has gotta
be a joke, Mendelsson.
I mean, if this is for real, why
would you give it to me, huh?
Sir, I've changed.
I've turned over
a new leaf, sir.
I feel that I'm part of Kirkland
now, and I'm darn proud of it.
And golly, this is just
my way of saying... jeepers, I'm...
I'm sorry for having been
so gosh darn unruly, sir.
Unbelievable.
Sooner or later this place
gets to you, doesn't it?
Huh?
You're gonna be alright, Private.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
And, may I say, good luck, sir.
We might not need
it now, will we, huh?
Alright.
Dismissed, Mendelsson.
Yes, sir.
Okay, guys, let's
get the truck out.
Come on, move it.
Kevin, you're hit!
Kevin!
Help!
Get down on the ground, boys!
Over here, everybody! Come on!
This way! Everybody, come on!
Keep it together! Come on, move it!
Come on, let's go.
I don't understand.
They weren't
supposed to be here.
Sir, how could you know that?
I have... Mendelsson!
Damn!
Fall back! Come on, retreat! Retreat!
Sir, you can't say that.
You're dead.
Are you questioning
my authority?
Sir, you're not
playing by the rules.
The object is to beat
the Russians at all costs.
There are no rules.
Now let's go!
Come on, retreat!
- Come on!
- Kevin, come back!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Come on, this way!
Keep going!
Hey! There it is!
That's it! Alright!
Blue Squirrel to
Gray Fox, come in.
Blue Squirrel to Gray Fox.
- Do you read me?
- Wait a minute.
I think D-Destiny is calling.
Well, I left a message.
Blue Squirrel to Gray
Fox, come in, over.
This is Gray Fox.
Go ahead, Blue Squirrel, over.
- Gray Fox?
- Yeah.
Blue Squirrel.
Good, good.
Where do you get the names?
First engagement with enemy.
Entire company is
either dead or captured.
Over.
Say again, Blue Squirrel, over.
First engagement with enemy.
Entire company dead or captured.
Did they get the flag?
Over.
Negative, Gray Fox.
Flag is secure.
Over.
Very well, Blue Squirrel.
Report back to base.
Wait for further instructions.
Gray Fox out.
Biff.
Biffy boy.
Time to get up.
You don't wanna be late for your
first day of global domination, do you?
Oh, God, my head.
Good morning, Major Woods.
What are you all
doing in my room?
Good morning, Major Woods.
What's this forest
doing in my room?
Well, Major, there's not a lot of time
to explain, but here's the story so far.
While you were asleep, Kevin's entire
squad was captured by the Russians,
but our happy little group is ready to
be led to victory under your command.
What are you, nuts?
I can't lead anyone anywhere.
I stopped being
a Major last night.
You'll always be
a Major to us, sir.
A Major what?
We still don't know.
Oh.
Well, do we at least
have a tactical plan?
Well, see, Biff, my
philosophy has always been
that the key to success
is total unpreparedness.
Now, we have no
practical experience,
no real soldiers,
and absolutely no strategy whatsoever.
Hey, buddy, how can we fail?
Ed,
there's a message
coming in for you from the field.
- Is it Blue Squirrel?
- Negative.
Someone calling
themselves Quazy Wabbit.
This is Gray Fox.
Who is this? Over.
Hewwo, I'm Elmer Fudd.
Gway Fox, this is Quazy Wabbit.
Mendelsson?
Where are you?
Over.
Now, General, I'm here
with my band of amiable
zanies, and we plan
on ending this war.
Mendelsson, your presence there
constitutes a violation of the rules.
Over.
Uh, look, General, we gotta go make
some plans, so I'm not gonna talk now,
but we'll call you back
when the rates go down.
Oh, and by the way, you'll be interested
to know, I'm not in charge of this mess.
Your son Biff is.
Well, that's it for me.
Love ya.
Bye.
Ed, don't do this to yourself.
You have to give him a chance.
No more chances,
I'm going down there.
No.
Your son is one of the finest
young men I've ever met.
Ed,
he's your son.
The only part of
Diane you have left.
For God's sakes,
don't shut him out.
Okay, quick, get out of
sight and wait for my signal.
We capture you in the name of
the Kirkland Military Academy.
Surrender or we'll be
forced to blow you away.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on.
Yes, alright. Right on.
Max, hi.
Max, hi?
In the middle of World War III, you
step out of nowhere, you say, Max, hi?
Well, yeah.
Let's go...
Why not?
Just asking.
Let's go, guys.
Come on, let's go.
Head to camp.
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Ah...
Did anyone see a little
white golf ball come this way?
No.
Um...
My name and address is
written real small on the bottom.
I'll guarantee postage.
Whoa.
He's nuts.
Come on, Max, grab the gun.
Over there, come on, easy.
Get his gun. Give me the gun.
Come on, let's go.
Arm yourselves, come on.
Get a rifle, come on!
Hey, that's against the rules.
To hell with the rules, let's go.
- Take cover, alright.
- They're in the bushes!
Back up. Back up.
- There, come on, go, go, go.
- Get back. Get back.
Come on, let's go.
All right, all right, get cover.
There's one. Get him, over there, go.
Hold it, hold it.
Fire! Come on, wait him out!
Come on!
Get down.
Get down.
Hey, hey.
- See?
- There.
There, I got one.
They're out of ammo.
Come on. They're out.
Alright.
Yeah.
We got him, we got him.
Hold your fire, hold your fire, let's go.
We got him.
Let's move it, over here.
Come on, come on, faster.
Let's go, move it.
- Come on!
- Alright!
- Get him over there!
- One on the other side!
There's no victory if
you must win by cheating.
Shut up.
You're a dead man.
How can dead man
tell me to shut up?
Oh, hell.
You're the dead man.
No!
No way.
That would make
me as bad as you.
You alright, man?
If I say no, you
not kiss me too?
Okay, that's it, sports fans.
This game is over.
It's Miller time.
Guns, please.
Hey, who won?
We both won.
We're all winners.
This is a glorious
day for all mankind.
We cannot both be victorious.
You don't like that?
All right, uh,
we're both losers.
We all lost.
It's a sad day for
all mankind, okay?
Here, there you go.
Don't wave it all in one place.
That's not acceptable.
Why does there have to
be a winner and a loser? Look.
We played a game.
We had a good time.
Now, we should all be sitting in a
restaurant somewhere having some pizza and
borscht and having some
man-to-man women talk.
But you are enemies.
Define enemies.
How am I your enemy?
You are American.
That's it?
I'm an American?
Man, you don't even know me.
Now, the next time you're in town, you
come to my house and you eat off my table.
And if I had a sister, which I
don't, I wouldn't let you take her out.
But that's only
because I like you.
He's on a roll.
I mean, if you guys can't think for
yourselves enough to see that we don't
know each other well enough to
hate each other, then you go on home.
And you tell your fathers to come
over here and beat up our fathers.
And then when they're
all done with each other,
we'll let the mothers
decide the fate of the world.
My friend, I would like to come to
your house and eat off your table.
And not to date your
sister, who you don't have.
She's gonna be
very disappointed.
Yeah, yeah.
Alright, let's go home!
What have you done?
Well, we brought you peace.
Peace?
What are you
talking about, peace?
A soldier's job is to win the
war, win the battle, win anything.
Hell, don't you listen
to yourself anymore?
I mean, I remember when I was a kid, you
used to tell me,
"To win a battle with honor,
was to find the best way to
avoid fighting the battle at all."
You're so much like your mother.
She knew me better
than I knew myself.
My son, I want you to know...
I know.
So, Thanksgiving with
Mary-Beth and her father.
How quickly we are worming
our way into the Wagner household.
When do I start
getting fitted for my tux?
It would r-really shock you if I
told you we were getting married.
Perry, you would be peeling
me out of the carpeting.
Nah.
We're just g-good friends.
At least for now.
Well?
You going home for Thanksgiving?
Oh, I don't know.
Somehow Thanksgiving at my house
has always been a contradiction in terms.
What's that?
Oh, this, I was gonna
burn this, but, uh,
I'm having a hard time
bringing myself to do it.
What is it?
Well, it's my notebook.
A couple of thousand stupid
ideas for practical jokes.
I mean, I don't
need this anymore.
As amazing as it
sounds, you were right.
I was?
About what?
This place.
You know, it's not so bad
once you get used to it.
I think a little discipline
has done me a lot of good.
Wait a minute.
Are you on the level with this?
Absolutely.
Because if you are, and i-it's true, I
think I'm gonna miss the old Wacky Max.
But now there's a new and improved
Wacky Max, and he's safe for fabrics.
I've... gotta go.
Okay.
See you in a couple
of days, buddy boy.
Okay.
Have a great Thanksgiving, Max.
You too, buddy.
Thanks, pal.
And take this.
Are you sure about this?
Nah, yeah.
Okay.
- Are you sure?
- I'm sure.
Just burn it.
Just burn it.
Burn it all.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- I'll see you, Max.
- Okay.
Have a good time.
Perry!
I'm sorry.
I'm a l-little late.
I had to p-pack and everything.
And then I had to mess
with this whole thing with...
Well, you look great.
Oh, excuse me.
Could you burn this?
Thanks.
Hi.
Oh, hi, Mr. Wagner.
How are you, young man?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa.
Put it out. Come on.
I don't know.
Come on, get back, get back.